This week, Joe and Brian talk about the new Black Guy Fieri movie, Ralphie May, and how he's taking social media to a whole new level on the internet. Also, we talk about how a black guy can do a black voice, and it's not even close to as good as Keira Knightley's. Joe also talks about why he thinks Ralphie is a douchebag, and why he doesn't have a clue what he's doing on social media. The Joe Rogan Experience is brought to you by The Fleshlight. If you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link that says "Fleshlight" and enter in the code "ROGAN" you get 15% off. And with that said, buckle up, bitches! The Experience is the Joe Rogans Experience. Hosted by , and . is a comedy podcast based in Los Angeles, California. Produced by , and , is a production of , which means , in addition to being , it s , we are , also known as , the , a , an podcast that a podcast. is , hosted by . . and is . Also, on the Travel Channel. , on an podcast on the Travel Channel, which is a travel channel. on on a travel channel on the travel channel, which channel, on The Travel Channel which also also known on Travel Channel on the History Channel, and on TALKER with , TALKING about travel, and other ? & TALK about travel and travel, and so much more! on this episode of the Travel channel in this episode. and this is the episode of The podcast of the show, The Journey that is The JOE ROGAN EXPERIENCES from the JOE JOGAN EPISODE. the JOB JOB EXPERIENCE EPISODES. (featuring , THE JOB RAGAN EXODUS . , Burt the Conqueror, Burt Kreischer and the JOB THE Conqueror are .
00:09:19.000So now, everyone just go on to Lil Twist, ask Lil Twist trend topic, and ask very insightful questions that you know Lil Twist doesn't have the answer for.
00:09:56.000Those stupid rumors that you heard about, dude, I heard that Rod Stewart had to get his stomach pumped and there was a gallon of sperm inside.
00:10:06.000Those stupid fucking stories only lingered and worked because we didn't have anything else.
00:11:11.000As you'll see, my later work, much like Lil Wayne's...
00:11:16.000So your early inspired shit was really good.
00:11:18.000I just started getting to the next level.
00:11:20.000Adam Richman started doing them too, and then he started challenging me on Twitter, and then people were like, dude, you guys are fucking...
00:11:27.000And then I started really thinking out of the box, and I got into this Jackson Pollock hyper...
00:14:06.000I just tweeted all these folks, and if you're listening to this on the podcast, go back to the day that we recorded this, which is April 5th on Tuesday, 3.30 p.m., Pacific time, so if you want to find those tweets, because they'll get lost in the mix.
00:14:23.000I feel like, and then I was talking to Heffron the other day on doing radio, and he was in Pittsburgh, and Heffron's like, I love those pictures.
00:15:25.000If you were playing this game, I'd be like, this guy's playing this game way seriouser than I am.
00:15:30.000Bert, you need to have a part on your website that has a collection of these because if that becomes big, which it seems like it would be, you need to be the center home base of that.
00:15:37.000So you should go home and immediately do that.
00:15:39.000The Travel Channel got a hold of it and they're like, we love it.
00:15:42.000We want to use it to promote the show.
00:15:59.000And I was sitting in Mexico, fucking no TV, listening to the Joe Rogan podcast experience on my iPad, in bed with me, in a pillow next to me.
00:16:52.000He's the most unique human being I've ever met.
00:16:54.000When he tells that story about his mom, his stories, he tells a story, and he's one of the best storytellers because he leaves out the parts that make you stop and wonder, and then right when you're wondering, he hits you with a fucking joke.
00:17:05.000He tells you the story about them playing cards.
00:20:18.000That's why comedy there, it's such a good place to grow up and start doing comedy because you learn very early on to appreciate people's attention spans because they will fucking boo you off the stage with the quickness.
00:20:53.000And Billy Gardell was like, Billy, I mean, this is, I probably shouldn't talk about out of school about Billy, but Billy had just quit drinking.
00:21:00.000And he's sober now, but had just quit drinking, like, that Thursday.
00:21:04.000And was like, I'm never touching it again.
00:21:52.000When you live in a place where it's that fucking harsh, you know, that kind of an environment, you know, I mean, but you think, you know, a lot of good comics come out of L.A. too, so that argument kind of sucks.
00:22:02.000But don't start in L.A.? Yeah, some of them do.
00:22:24.000My first time ever on stage, this guy, Louis Schaefer, was like, I said I wanted to be a comic.
00:22:29.000It's a long story, but my dad gave me one of those phone calls you don't ever want to have from a parent where he called me one morning on my birthday.
00:22:36.000I'm expecting a birthday phone call, and he calls me.
00:22:43.000You said you were going to be a comic.
00:22:45.000Rolling Stone wrote an article about you and you said you were going to move and be a comic and you've been there eight months and you haven't done shit.
00:23:15.000I just didn't, I didn't have the, like, I was like, I want to be a comic, but I didn't know how to go about getting it because I felt like I was too good to work the door or to, you know, does that make any sense when I say that?
00:23:26.000I felt like I was too, I was, I was too good to just get in at the ground level.
00:23:59.000You know what I've always found ironic about alternative comedy is that a lot of alternative comics were like outcasts and they, you know, they felt like, you know, they were kind of in, you know, nerds or whatever you would...
00:24:09.000And meanwhile, they are like the least welcoming.
00:25:14.000UCB. And see how, like, I know Tom said he went and did the, they have a comic book company.
00:25:19.000I did a set there once and I had a great time.
00:25:21.000I only did it once and I remember somebody pointed me to a thread somewhere where the people said they actually enjoyed the show but they were like, what the fuck is Joe Rogan doing here?
00:26:40.000And I would not, that guy, I'd just hang out in the back of the club and You know, in their defense, in anybody's defense, when it comes to hanging out with new people, man, I try to be as friendly and as open with everybody that I can.
00:26:50.000New comics, I love talking to new comics.
00:26:52.000But man, there's a certain point in time, sometimes in the middle of a conversation, when you realize, oh, I'm stuck talking to this dummy.
00:26:59.000That's annoying, man, when you have a good group and a good vibe.
00:30:08.000But when you're young and no one knows who you are and you go on stage, if you're used to doing the UCB and getting those really polite laughs and chuckles in the back of the room with some witty...
00:30:18.000You know, reference that you made, you know, to some, you know, fucking Dune novel, you know?
00:30:29.000They'll throw bottles at you, motherfucker.
00:30:31.000You know, there's a problem with, you know, when no one knows who you are, man, that's when it's really tough.
00:30:36.000When you're not bringing in your own crowd.
00:30:38.000You can get really soft easily if you're a name and, you know, you have a bunch of people that come to see you all the time and, you know, they give you...
00:31:06.000Yeah, well, he's big in the alternative comedy scene because he's a comic book nerd and he loves science fiction and, you know, he fits in physically, you know, so they accept him, but he's a great writer.
00:31:21.000I haven't read it yet, but I picked it up.
00:31:22.000So now to put it in perspective, now to get to what, to bring it full circle, if this is possibly at all possible.
00:31:30.000So that is who I was in New York in 1997, trying to fit in, trying to break my way into comedy through having beers with comics and not fitting in an alternative and not having the gumption or the gregariousness to break in.
00:32:32.000I'd take off my clothes and start working out and just like do push-ups, sit-ups, fucking curls with boxes, hold books out and do fucking these fucking jobs, front rows, and I'd work out.
00:32:42.000And then there was no AC, so then I'd wait until I cooled down, put all my clothes back on, get in the freight elevator.
00:32:47.000Walk up, and I just killed like 30 minutes.
00:32:49.000When you have a job like that, to kill 30 minutes is a...
00:33:32.000And I was like, Dwayne, I can explain.
00:33:35.000He goes, no, I can't have someone getting into their underwear in the basement, working out when they should be working, and then coming back up, and then interacting with people.
00:33:45.000And I was trying to be a comic, so I was trying to think alternatively, and I'm on speed, which is...
00:33:51.000So theoretically, I would do funny shit, but it was crazy if you didn't know me exactly.
00:33:58.000Some guy told me the other day we were doing a promo shoot for Ace Team TV, and I did a joke at the end of the day.
00:35:53.000A lot of people, it's way easier for them if you're a failure.
00:35:57.000Way easier for them if you're not ambitious, if you're not...
00:35:59.000Like, when you're a guy and this poor fuck was like, you know, he's in his late 30s and he smokes cigarettes and he just looked like a broken dream.
00:37:28.000Just to be able to come into your sexuality, to realize you're straight, and then everyone in the straight community is like, let's just fuck this shit out of this guy.
00:39:02.000Go in tonight and give him the same speech you gave him last night and say, you're going to do this until he fucking folds and gives you a job.
00:39:19.000And he said, okay, if you can stand out front and bring in 20 people throughout the night, and then if there's still people in the room after Godfrey goes on, I'll let you go up on stage.
00:40:46.000And he goes, come here every night at 7, unlock the place, set the chairs up, and bring in people all night long, and I'll give you a spot.
00:40:51.000Six months later, literally, and this brings it to Bill Burr, six months later, I get a development deal with Will Smith.
00:40:57.000Do work in the door, six months later, like that, and Bill Burr told me, he was like, it happens, don't feel guilty, everyone's going to dislike you.
00:41:45.000You know, but the fact that you, like, kept going after it, you know, and that you started out in New York, in the village, you know, it's, like, one of the hardest places you could ever start doing stand-up.
00:41:55.000I always assimilate the two, like, because then I moved to L.A., because I got a TV show, and then tried doing a comedy in L.A., and it was just totally different.
00:42:04.000And I remember Bobby Kelly came out, and he was like, I don't fucking...
00:42:07.000I remember Bobby was like, I don't have this fucking witty shit.
00:42:32.000I think both are working out, but New York is working out in prison.
00:42:38.000Where you're like, it's just a fucking steel bar with two cinder blocks and you're just kind of trying to get sized so you don't get fucked in the ass in the shower.
00:42:44.000And LA is like doing like Taibo or like spin class.
00:44:47.000You know, as opposed to just coming to any club.
00:44:49.000But that's how you develop your voice too, by doing those clubs.
00:44:53.000But then you have to always think that if you're doing these clubs and no one knows who you are and you're trying to get them to like you, you know, there's a danger of maybe becoming something that you're not because you want them to like you, you know, because you want to be more successful.
00:45:05.000Like it almost like it hinders your ability to become yourself on stage.
00:45:58.000I would emulate, when I'd write a joke, I'd be like, I got a funny premise.
00:46:02.000Because I was hammered on a flight to Scotland, and a stewardess was trying to cut me off, and I knew she was cutting me off, and I didn't want her to say anything.
00:46:09.000And so I just went, took my fingers to her lips, and I went, shh.
00:46:12.000Like, I didn't want her to cut me off, and then I got really cut off.
00:48:14.000You know another thing I heard too that I don't know if this is true or not I think we already talked about this but like how when you're skydiving it's really hard to breathe because it's so much air so the whole time you're just going like you can't you're just trying to breathe you're focusing so much on breathing now I'm starting to sweat yeah no no it's just really hot don't bring up how hard this guy's sweating like a pig seriously he's really sweating man I'm really sweating right now I'm thinking about it it is hot in here yeah yeah it's not that hot in here you guys are both fat oh I will definitely this is what's going on right here So you really
00:49:35.000That's the first thing I'm thinking of.
00:49:37.000What a dumb fuck I would feel if I'm pulling that thing and the parachute's not coming out and I see that barn and I know I'm going to make a fucking Scooby-Doo hole through it in the shape of my body with my outstretched arms.
00:50:22.000This show is a real mindfuck for you because you have to do a lot of dangerous shit on this show.
00:50:26.000Yeah, we were doing a concrete toboggan race where you get a 300-pound concrete toboggan, put five kids in it, and then you race it down a mountain against another team who has a 300-pound concrete toboggan.
00:55:05.000I mean, if you're standing on top of a really tall building, you can fucking see that you're really high up because you can see other things at the same level or below or higher.
00:55:13.000So it gives you more of an idea that you're really high up.
00:57:12.000Norton did 50. I saw him do 50 in Austin.
00:57:14.000And he made me think, because I was doing a lot of long sets where I do this question and answer thing at the end.
00:57:19.000But the problem with the question and answer thing is that it doesn't have the same pop as the regular show, and so the show always would kind of end on some weird note, like I'd be crushing for an hour, and then I'd do this question and answer thing for an hour, and then people would be tired.
00:57:31.000So the experience of a show was not the same.
00:57:35.000And I thought I was just giving them more show.
00:57:37.000I thought I was being more generous and giving them more show.
00:57:39.000But I realized the best way to do it, really, is to give them an hour, hour and ten max, and just smash it.
00:58:43.000No, it might have been that too, but I opened my book bag up and there was a bowl, there was a joint and a bag of weed in the secret pocket I didn't even know existed.
01:00:05.000Yeah, he wanted to scare you into giving up the weed.
01:00:08.000I walked into Brave Stadium and I said to the lady, just out of curiosity, it's the moments that you don't have drugs that you want to find out how it would go down if they busted you.
01:00:18.000And I said to the lady, she was checking my fanny pack, When I firmly believe in fanny packs, by the way.
01:00:23.000Fuck yeah, give me some knuckles on that shit.
01:02:30.000If you want to shoot your own meat instead of getting it from some fucking slaughterhouse, you're a potential domestic terrorist because you believe in the rights to keep guns.
01:02:39.000You think that adults should be able to have guns just like adults can have fucking cars, okay?
01:02:43.000Just like adults can have a lot of shit that can fuck you up, alright?
01:02:46.000Yeah, people should have guns, alright?
01:03:13.000Where do you draw a connection between someone who owns a gun?
01:03:15.000Well, the idea is that people want to overthrow the government.
01:03:19.000They're thinking about people who rise the fuck up and realize this goddamn corrupt government that's running this country needs to be held accountable for all their bullshit.
01:03:28.000I finally finished watching that Inside Job last night.
01:03:47.000It's all about the financial collapse.
01:03:48.000And it's all interviewing all these economists and all these people that didn't predict it, all these people that fucking profit from it.
01:03:54.000And it talks about one of the most disturbing things is how corrupt economics has become the study of economics at the university level.
01:04:02.000Because all these fucking guys who are teaching economics at Harvard and at Columbia, they all wind up working for the presidents.
01:04:09.000They all wind up working for governments and they wind up going on these speaking engagements where they're making millions of dollars.
01:04:14.000And they showed this, like how fucked it is that everyone is just stealing and everyone is getting away with it because everyone is protecting everyone.
01:04:22.000Everyone is making sure that no one is held accountable for all this.
01:04:33.000If you want to get crazy, go and see how fucked up this country is and how fucked up the unfixable foundation of this country is, the financial foundation of this country.
01:04:46.000And these motherfuckers that got bonuses, man, just the brazen...
01:04:52.000That asshole-ishness to ask for hundreds of millions of dollars in the middle of a gigantic financial collapse that you were at least partially responsible for.
01:05:00.000And the fact that nobody holds him to the fire.
01:05:07.000This guy who's running the documentary, too, he's asking some of the questions, one of the guys, and he catches a lot of these guys, like one of the guys that worked for Bush.
01:05:14.000And, you know, he was an economic advisor for Bush.
01:05:17.000And he's also for, I think, I believe he teaches at Harvard.
01:05:20.000And they caught this guy and they were talking to him and asking him questions.
01:05:22.000And you see the frustration when they're hitting him with logic and facts and like, how could you not know?
01:05:28.000And then they're hitting him with all this information about things that he said and how wrong it was.
01:05:33.000Why did you think that this economy was stable?
01:05:35.000Why did you think that these funds should be rated at AA? Meanwhile, they crashed the very next day.
01:05:56.000I mean, we're in the middle of like a giant trillion dollar heist and these bankers have literally ripped off everyone.
01:06:03.000It's one of the most incredible things I think I've ever seen.
01:06:06.000It's really explained in detail when they talk about it from the point of the stock market and where people were banking on things to fail yet selling them and promoting them with their clients.
01:07:30.000This is Miyamoto Musashi fighting a tiger.
01:07:32.000And one of the reasons why I got that tattoo is because I read something when I was a little kid that really sunk into my head.
01:07:38.000Once you understand the way broadly you can see it in all things, is what he said.
01:07:42.000And the idea is that once you find greatness in anything, whether it's painting or sculpture or music, when you find something, you just nail it, you get to the core of it, you understand what greatness is, and you can see it in everything.
01:07:54.000You can see it not just in your chosen Field, but in everything and it really is like a way of you know of channeling brilliance and it made me think that As I was a kid that if I just really threw myself into martial arts I could be successful at life because even if it wasn't martial arts that I wound up pursuing There would I would if I could get greatness if I could really figure out what greatness is If I could really understand the way really tap into it I could transfer that on to my life, which has actually been true Do you think you're better at comedy or martial arts?
01:08:42.000I remember playing baseball with him all growing up, and the way that parents looked at him playing baseball, I remember thinking, like, no one looks at me like that.
01:08:49.000No one's, like, pulling me aside, like, hey, great game today, Pert.
01:08:52.000Like, I still made all-stars, and I still got recruited to play, like, at high school, but I never had that it.
01:09:00.000And then the first time I did stand-up, I was like, okay, that's the it.
01:09:34.000I started kickboxing when I was 21. That's what fucked up everything.
01:09:37.000And that's one of the reasons why I stopped doing, why I stopped competing.
01:09:40.000It's because I started realizing that there was a bunch of holes in my martial arts game because I was just doing one style of martial art, which was Taekwondo.
01:09:47.000And when I switched from Taekwondo to boxing and kickboxing, I realized there's big holes in my game.
01:09:52.000So then it made me not respect Taekwondo as much as an individual martial art.
01:09:57.000And then competing in Taekwondo seemed sort of ridiculous to me because, well, now I know that I'm vulnerable to punches.
01:10:03.000So now, in my mind, I would have to start kickboxing because otherwise I would be practicing something that wasn't as effective.
01:10:09.000So then I started kickboxing and I realized, okay, there's not even any money in this.
01:10:49.000I used to walk down the street by myself with my own thing.
01:10:52.000I was thinking I was seven or eight, and I had like a little magic show that I got for Christmas, and I would put a Fucking hat on and a cape and I'd set up a stand and I would do a show.
01:11:25.000So I realized I had thrown my whole life into martial arts from the time I was 15 until I was 21. But when I was 20, I started teaching at this place in Revere.
01:11:35.000There was a Nautilus fitness place in Revere, and they had a big extra side room.
01:12:01.000When I started boxing, I started realizing, man, I've got all these holes in my fucking martial arts game.
01:12:07.000At Taekwondo, I was really good at Taekwondo, but you added in boxing, and then eventually leg kicks, and I'm like, man, I've got a lot of fucking flaws in my game.
01:12:15.000So it made me not want to ever compete in Taekwondo again, and then since there was so much work to do to become a competent kickboxer, and then it was like, well, what am I going to do?
01:13:36.000Take a nap, and then I would drive limos, and then I would go train.
01:13:39.000And then I was still trying to do comedy at the same time.
01:13:41.000So that made me really realize I had to pick a path.
01:13:44.000And I'm like, you know, this was a good wake-up call for me.
01:13:46.000And my ego wanted me to get back in there and go smash and, you know, show that it was a bad, you know, that I really didn't train right for that fight, and I was out of shape, and I was sick.
01:13:55.000You know, but I thankfully figured out a way to shut my ego up long enough to get some distance.
01:16:56.000I'm nothing compared to a lot of people that I've ever met, man.
01:16:58.000I've met some really crazy motherfuckers that if you pick them, you're the wrong guy, and you wind up saying something to them, they're like, oh, thank you, Jesus, you just brought me someone to kill.
01:18:52.000For me, I always feel like, I got this monkey.
01:18:55.000And if I don't let this monkey out of the cage, he's going to throw shit at me and he's going to fucking start rattling the cage and lighting things on fire.
01:20:18.000If I tell them off, nothing's going to come of this.
01:20:20.000But if I make them feel like they won, then maybe they'll continue this behavior until they run into the guy who beats a living fuck out of them.
01:21:39.000I had a Brian Callen story where Brian used to always date these really fucked up girls and try to fix them.
01:21:46.000And Brian's been one of my best friends since 94. When I hosted Mad TV, I met Brian and we instantly became best friends.
01:21:52.000And when we were hanging around, the first thing I noticed when we were hanging around together was like, this motherfucker dates some broken bitches!
01:21:59.000I mean, his current wife is a very nice person, but he's had some disasters in his past.
01:24:19.000You can't always think you're good at that.
01:24:22.000You always got to be open to the possibility that you haven't picked it up yet.
01:24:25.000You always got to be open to the possibility that some people are better at covering their bullshit or they have different motivations for being crazy.
01:24:39.000Deceptive crazy is strange because sometimes deceptive crazy, there's like a sociopathic element of it where they're not concerned about how they come off so they'll really play to your strengths and all of a sudden you're like, this guy really compliments me.
01:24:53.000Meanwhile, what he is is just a certain type of manipulative crazy that you haven't picked up yet.
01:29:35.000You're sitting in first class to Moscow.
01:29:37.000And I'm like, holy shit, this is what I'm talking about.
01:29:39.000And I bring another guy, John Bolshoi, Big John, I bring him with me to go sit in first class.
01:29:44.000Sure enough, man, we're a fucking first class.
01:29:46.000Just me, these two Igors, John, the conductor, I shit you not, the conductor, before the train takes off, comes into the room, I swear to you, rips off the band on this thing, says, this is a present for the machine.
01:29:58.000It would be an honor to do a shot with you.
01:30:00.000And I'm like, oh, this is fucking right.
01:30:02.000So I do a shot with the conductor, and we pound this vodka within like fucking 30, 45 minutes.
01:32:22.000We robbed my whole class, and then they end up taking off and going into the car, and me and John are sitting in the first class car just thinking, we're fucked, man.
01:32:54.000I'm like, ugh, I'm going to fucking go to the gulag.
01:32:58.000Sure enough, man, the cops are sitting on the middle, like, the middle, you know, where people get off the train, that little receiving area.
01:34:40.000How many nights did you party with these guys?
01:34:42.000Oh, I partied with Igor and Igor on the train only, and then I partied with the cops in Moscow with John for one night, and then we hid from them.
01:37:42.000Yeah, just farm it out to other, like, you know, if there's some Mexican comics in town, sort of like surrogate jokes, you can have them carry your joke for you into, you know, term.
01:37:52.000But yeah, so I don't party like that really anymore.
01:37:56.000You were just telling us how much hammered you get lately because you're trying to avoid this.
01:38:02.000That's me trying to handle whatever I've done to my brain so that I can get from fucking LA to New York.
01:38:07.000Do you feel like some guys don't want to lose that anxiety because they're worried that if they become evolved, some whatever, you know, enlightened, however you want to say, that they wouldn't be funny anymore.
01:38:50.000A class of antidepressants called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors that works at increasing the amount of serotonin, a natural substance.
01:38:59.000You know, my thing with all this stuff is, first, get your body in order.
01:39:04.000Whenever I talk to anybody and they're like, oh, I'm thinking about getting on something, I'm not completely opposed to people doing any sort of antidepressant.
01:39:12.000I know people that's changed their fucking life.
01:39:14.000I know people where it's helped them dramatically, including one buddy of mine who got on it, changed his life, and then slowly weaned himself off of it and literally has a different way of thinking now.
01:42:29.000I think if anyone had my lifestyle or my life, like where you travel, you're gone all the time, you're jumping off buildings, you're jumping out of planes.
01:42:36.000I think if anyone had my life, they'd go through this shit.
01:42:39.000Has it noticeably changed since you started doing this show?
01:45:45.000Go down dark roads, especially like South Comedy Hole.
01:45:47.000I love that place because it's like 80 people and we, you know, I can just fuck around and talk about anything and bits will come out of that.
01:45:53.000So there's that, but you've got to write and you've got to review your shit.
01:46:25.000I always sort of slowly built up an act.
01:46:27.000You know, over the next few years because I kind of had to, you know, but now the way I do it, I just, you know, and I kind of like got inspired by Louis C.K. talking about how he comes up with a new hour every year.
01:46:39.000So I, you know, I just tried to attack it and write as much shit as possible.
01:46:44.000And in doing that and trying to put together a new hour in a year, you have to review material.
01:46:50.000You have to be more disciplined about it.
01:46:51.000You have to be more professional about it.
01:46:53.000Yeah, but I know it's your new hour thematic of who you are right now.
01:46:57.000It's the best thing I've ever done, for sure.
01:47:00.000But I also think that's part of the reason is because of this podcast.
01:47:04.000Like, I don't feel like the need to extrapolate or to expand on, like, philosophical ideas or try to make something funny that might not necessarily be funny.
01:47:14.000Like, all I'm really concerned about is being funny, as opposed to, you know, like, sometimes I'd have bits about something I just wanted to talk about.
01:47:21.000Why don't I have to worry about that now?
01:47:22.000Because I just talk about it on the podcast.
01:49:13.000No, I can't write a story because then it loses...
01:49:16.000The story always works the first time I tell it on stage and if I ever could have ever videotaped it, I'd be like, bam, that's how I need to tell it every time.
01:49:46.000So you'd literally never sit down with a laptop and say, you know, I'm going to do the Russian mob story, then I'm going to do the Gary King story.
01:49:52.000The Russian mob story has been the hardest one for me to tell on stage.
01:50:55.000I traded whatever brain I have that is the guy that gets a job at Dean Witter or whatever and has those luncheon stories and tells a story about golf last week.
01:51:05.000I traded in them for every story is fucking funny.
01:51:08.000Every story is funny and I'm fucking willing to mind anything.
01:51:13.000And if it takes it quick, like the Russian mob story, I obviously shorten a massive chunk of that because the real story is a little depressing.
01:51:21.000The real story gets really depressing.
01:51:23.000But if you tell it to people, then they fucking...
01:51:25.000But there's something crazy about you robbing people.
01:51:28.000Do you tell the story about you working out in the bookstore?
01:52:33.000When I was growing up I tried tagging in my neighborhood so I got a can of spray paint and I was all I was like, son of a bitch, I'm the only Bert that lives in this neighborhood.
01:57:35.000This is like 1992, 91, and we're both pretty much scrubs.
01:57:39.000And, you know, we're both starting out, and we're doing these stupid gigs.
01:57:42.000And I did this college, and they were all excited to see me because I had done the NACA thing, and you get on stage, and I killed at the NACA conference, and I got all these bookings, and I was so excited.
01:58:14.000These people were crying, and there was a kid walking around calling out for his dog, and he's walking over these burnt-down foundations with smoke coming out, and they're calling every five seconds, Mike!
01:58:27.000Calling out for whatever the fuck the dog's name is, and there's a guy who's a fireman, and he's crying, and he's crying talking about this house is the only thing that, you know, he worked his whole life to build this fucking house.
01:58:37.000Well, the opener hasn't come, so we're just gonna throw you up.
01:58:53.000When you're 21, or whatever the fuck I was, and no one's telling you what to do, you can kind of develop really loose habits when it comes to your stand-up.
01:59:03.000So I went up there, dude, and I did not know how to start the show off.
01:59:07.000I didn't expect to be starting the show off, so I didn't prepare for that.
01:59:10.000I prepared to be following a guy, so I didn't have anything.
01:59:12.000When you start a show off from scratch, you've got to settle everybody in, you've got to calm everybody down, get control of the room, then start with some jokes and open strong.
01:59:22.000Open strong so that they think it's worth following you and paying attention.
02:01:51.000And so I get done, and I tell it on stage, and then I get off, and Tony Woods goes, alright, number one, don't ever tell that story ever again.
02:07:39.000I don't know if you saw it or not, but he was talking about how he grew up being a huge drug addict, homeless, meth head, and he did Doug Stanhope's show while he was on meth, and Doug would have talked to him for five years.
02:07:52.000It's a pretty interesting interview, but the one thing he says, he's like, everything else, I haven't touched anything for five years or anything, but Fucking cigarettes?
02:09:20.000If someone would come into our lounge and our fraternity or into my apartment and be like, dude, you're never going to believe what happened, I'd be like, give me a second, let me get a dip.
02:10:19.000But what's really interesting is how many celebrities go there and see, like, look, it's David Caruso, who looks a million years old, by the way.
02:10:26.000It's like, wow, that's the guy from NYPD Blue?
02:10:29.000Now he's become this weird sort of a caricature with his sunglasses and that CSI Miami.
02:10:37.000Those shows, man, you're doing one of those shows, man, you want to talk about a life-changing thing.
02:10:43.000Your new life, it revolves around this show that you're doing because you're going to film it most of the year and you're going to film it most of the day, most of the week.
02:10:50.000Almost the entire week, you're going to be spending filming five, six days a week, 12-hour days, sometimes more, depending on which shots need to get done.
02:11:10.000You don't seem like a five-year playing kind of guy.
02:11:13.000The more time goes on, man, the more I am just enjoying doing comedy, doing the podcast, and doing the UFC. And I wish the UFC... I would like to do less of those.
02:11:23.000I love doing it, but sometimes I travel just a bit too much.
02:11:26.000I would love it if it was in LA or something like that.
02:12:23.000But during those three days, I would wish I was doing something else.
02:12:26.000And I did it, you know, happily, because it was a lot of money, but there's never a time when I'm doing a podcast, never a time when I'm doing stand-up, never a time when I'm doing the UFC, where I go, wow, I wish I was doing something else.
02:12:36.000Every time there's a UFC, I'm like, fuck yeah, here we go.
02:12:39.000You know, the boom, boom, the sound comes on, the lights dim, first fight starts, I'm like, woo!
02:12:44.000I punch knuckles with Mike Goldberg, here we go!
02:12:46.000Every time, man, I'm like a little kid, I love it.
02:12:49.000There's never a time when I'm like, God.
02:12:51.000I can't believe I'm sitting here watching fights.
02:13:34.000But I was doing like Thursday through Sunday, you know.
02:13:37.000Maybe news radio was getting, it was a little more than that towards the end because it was 99 when I put out my CD and that definitely helped.
02:13:44.000And I was getting paid better in clubs.
02:13:45.000And there were some places where I could sell out.
02:13:47.000But it was inconsistent and it's few and far between.
02:13:50.000So like when something like Fear Factor came up, it was like, well, here's a good chance to make really good money.
02:13:55.000And when you say $2,500, people go, wow, that's a lot of money.
02:13:58.000But then when you take away agent's fees, manager's fees, and also business manager.
02:14:03.000And consider you're also in a different tax bracket because you're on news radio.
02:14:07.000So I can tell you exactly how much you walk away with $2,500.
02:15:33.000Out of all the things in your career, I would say this is probably the most...
02:15:38.000And this is just as a person who's Who's obviously been a fan of yours and I'd say a friend somewhat, but this is probably the most representative of you.
02:15:48.000And this is the one thing that I think when you pass, people will go, dude, his podcast was fucking...
02:16:02.000Your stand-up's your personality, but it also has to be delivered in a one-two set.
02:16:08.000There is a payoff at every moment in your stand-up, so you will compromise, despite how much people will argue this, you will compromise your voice for a joke.
02:16:19.000And I don't feel like I have to get my voice out anymore.
02:16:21.000You know, I used to feel like there were certain things that I wanted to say on stage that maybe I couldn't say because I couldn't condense it into a joke form.
02:16:29.000You know, there's a lot of stuff that I have.
02:16:30.000There's a lot of weird thoughts that I have that I've expressed on the podcast and I've explored, you know, in depth that almost have no payoff as far as humor.
02:16:37.000You know, like my idea about the whole...
02:16:39.000Universe being some complex mathematical problem.
02:16:42.000Every literal thing that goes on is just a part of some giant fucking algorithm.
02:16:46.000This is something I've been dwelling on for a long, long time.
02:19:53.000I could maybe consider that if I had taken an Ambien and had one of those sleepwalking episodes, and my wife's like, you woke up in the middle of the night and ate my pussy.
02:20:50.000She's one of those girls that always grabs your hand when you're just in the middle of conversation and she just puts her hand in her pussy and it's just like juicy.
02:22:47.000Maybe I got our demographic off, but I could swear...
02:22:49.000As far as, I mean, obviously you can make a lot of money if you're Oprah, but as far as the people that spend the most, it's 18 to 34-year-old males.
02:22:57.000That's the 18 to 49 occasionally, depending on how far they want to stretch their demographic.
02:23:01.000I want to say we're like 23 to 52. I bet Travel and Food Network, and there's a couple of those that all do women.
02:28:24.000Dude, the best testament to this show, and I swear this on my children, when I'm on the road, I'll put on the podcast and put it on low in the pillow next to me and just feel like I'm listening to friends talk in the other room.
02:28:33.000And it puts me to sleep, and I just go...
02:28:35.000But a lot of times, I had to stop because I would...
02:32:01.000Thank you very much for coming out to all the shows and for everything you do and for being a part of this fucking crazy experience we're all going through together.
02:32:06.000Burt Kreischer's in the motherfucking house, ladies and gentlemen.