The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #955 - Al Madrigal

00:00:06.000 For sure?

00:00:07.000 Live? 1.00

00:00:08.000 You're a fucking responsible guest. 0.99

00:00:11.000 I just want to give you props for that. 1.00

00:00:13.000 You took your phone, you shut that bitch off, and you put it aside. 1.00

00:00:15.000 Well, it's a big thing for me, also, just as a comedian in comedy clubs, you start seeing the comedy store become popular, and I started noticing a bunch of chicks in there just looking at their phones nonstop. 0.99

00:00:27.000 And I even put this thing on my phone.

00:00:29.000 It's an app called Moment that tracks how long I'm using it and what I'm using. 0.92

00:00:33.000 So if I get over a certain amount, I'm like, I gotta fucking put this thing down. 0.57

00:00:37.000 That's very smart. 0.99

00:00:39.000 We're all monkeys.

00:00:40.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:00:40.000 Fucking looking down at this thing. 1.00

00:00:42.000 It's fascinating. 1.00

00:00:43.000 The dopamines.

00:00:44.000 I mean, I have a 15-year-old son and nonstop.

00:00:49.000 Yeah.

00:00:49.000 Whitney Cummings is explaining all the actual chemical responses that go on.

00:00:54.000 You literally do become addicted to that phone.

00:00:56.000 Sure. 1.00

00:00:57.000 And there's a lot of good shit on there. 1.00

00:00:58.000 Yes. 1.00

00:00:59.000 That's the problem.

00:01:00.000 Yeah.

00:01:00.000 But I mean, how many times do you find yourself about to go to bed and just like...

00:01:04.000 Hitting refresh.

00:01:06.000 Checking Twitter feeds.

00:01:07.000 Maybe some interesting news stories coming up.

00:01:09.000 Maybe there's something I missed.

00:01:10.000 Let me go check Instagram.

00:01:11.000 Maybe there's a crazy picture that I didn't see.

00:01:12.000 It's okay to miss it.

00:01:13.000 It is okay to miss it.

00:01:15.000 It's totally okay to miss it.

00:01:16.000 I go, I admire what Ari did. 1.00

00:01:17.000 He stepped away from the whole fucking smartphone completely.

00:01:20.000 Just had a full conversation with him about it yesterday because I said you had three things happen that allowed you to completely check out and go on this trip of yours. 0.99

00:01:29.000 I go, you have no kids.

00:01:32.000 You have no kids, you have no wife, you have no family. 1.00

00:01:34.000 No dog, no cat, no fucking nothing. 1.00

00:01:37.000 He moved to New York. 0.99

00:01:39.000 I gave him all of my furniture because he was moving to New York when I was leaving New York. 0.99

00:01:45.000 So I'm like, dude, have all this shit. 0.98

00:01:48.000 Oh, that's right. 1.00

00:01:48.000 You were there for The Daily Show. 1.00

00:01:49.000 There for The Daily Show and then I took off.

00:01:51.000 I was commuting back and forth.

00:01:53.000 Because I left my family in LA, and I took the gig.

00:01:56.000 So on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, I'd work in New York. 0.98

00:01:59.000 And then I'd fucking fly back. 0.99

00:02:00.000 Oh, Jesus. 0.99

00:02:01.000 It was a horrible mistake.

00:02:02.000 Trust me.

00:02:03.000 We talked about that before you did it.

00:02:04.000 And I was like, man, I don't believe you're doing this.

00:02:06.000 I killed myself. 1.00

00:02:07.000 My back is all fucked up. 1.00

00:02:09.000 I was telling Callan, like I said, I was cashew-shaped. 1.00

00:02:14.000 Oh, you're humping Ford?

00:02:15.000 Oh, my God. 0.65

00:02:15.000 It's horrible. 0.65

00:02:16.000 Like, if I crack my whole back... 0.96

00:02:19.000 When you're in an airline seat constantly, and you're just constantly all stressed out, and your sleep is all fucked up, it's not good. 0.97

00:02:27.000 So, I got cast in another show, I got the fuck out of there, and I gave Ari all my things. 0.92

00:02:32.000 But Ari has, like you said, no fish. 1.00

00:02:35.000 Nothing. 0.99

00:02:36.000 And then he has financial freedom, because he's got the show on Comedy Central, he's got a great podcast, he's got all that kind of shit going on. 0.95

00:02:44.000 And then he also... 0.82

00:02:47.000 Has this attitude that allows him to do something like that because I don't have those three things.

00:02:53.000 I mean the financial freedom I got, but I have these three dependents.

00:02:56.000 I have two dogs.

00:02:58.000 And I don't have the attitude.

00:03:00.000 Like, if I'm not working non-stop, I feel crazy.

00:03:04.000 You should tell people what you're talking about, because a lot of people that are tuning into this podcast probably don't realize that Ari, our good friend, checked out of Civilization for three solid months at least, right?

00:03:15.000 I think maybe more.

00:03:16.000 First of all, he's rocking a flip phone.

00:03:18.000 He doesn't have any apps, so he doesn't...

00:03:21.000 He has no smartphone, but then he just decides to go away and Check out he no one's communicated with him, you know, we're sort of in business together on this all things comedy thing and He's on our board of directors and I need to tell him about shit and didn't even buy like he we did a Skype and he's like I'm gone and then people on his show The Comedy Central show,

00:03:47.000 they're trying to get a hold of him. 0.98

00:03:49.000 Nobody can get fucking a hold of Var. 0.98

00:03:50.000 And he loves it. 0.98

00:03:52.000 And me, if I seriously, I had to buy books.

00:03:57.000 Like, you know, I read a lot of Jack Reacher.

00:04:00.000 Do you really?

00:04:02.000 Yeah, do you know that?

00:04:02.000 Best character of all time.

00:04:04.000 Yeah?

00:04:04.000 Yeah, 6'4", 240 pounds.

00:04:07.000 I know people are associated with the Tom Cruise movie, but this guy is the most badass.

00:04:11.000 He's a military cop.

00:04:13.000 Yeah, how is Tom Cruise, the little tiny dude?

00:04:14.000 He just optioned the movies.

00:04:16.000 Is that what happened?

00:04:17.000 My uncle, Skip Tarantino, came up to me.

00:04:19.000 I didn't even know anything about Jack Reacher at my brother's wedding.

00:04:22.000 And he walks up and he goes, Can you believe they made Tom Cruise Jack Reacher?

00:04:27.000 And I go, what are you talking about?

00:04:28.000 There's a problem?

00:04:29.000 And he broke the whole thing down.

00:04:30.000 He goes, let me tell you something about Jack Reacher.

00:04:32.000 Jack Reacher's six foot four.

00:04:34.000 Jack Reacher is like this total badass.

00:04:37.000 He's an expert marksman.

00:04:39.000 He's ten steps ahead.

00:04:41.000 He's a big numbers guy.

00:04:43.000 This guy, Lee Child, created the perfect character.

00:04:45.000 So I read all those books, but I have to force myself to read those books so I can chill the fuck out because, again, and this is something that people of other comics have pointed out, I can't be alone with my own thoughts.

00:05:01.000 Why is that?

00:05:02.000 I don't know.

00:05:03.000 Because... 0.95

00:05:05.000 I've had some crazy shit happen lately. 0.98

00:05:08.000 Dad passed away. 0.97

00:05:11.000 A lot of comics have passed away.

00:05:13.000 I have friends with a ton of comedians that have...

00:05:15.000 Freddy Soto was one of my good, good buddies.

00:05:19.000 He's gone to...

00:05:20.000 Dude, I started comedy with, passed away early on.

00:05:25.000 So you and Freddy Soto passed me, you know, got me sponsored at the comedy store.

00:05:30.000 Yeah.

00:05:30.000 And I was very close to him.

00:05:32.000 Like, me and Sebastian were his openers.

00:05:35.000 And so I think that might have something to do with it.

00:05:37.000 It's like I'm trying to, it's a lot of great stuff happening, but I feel like I distract myself with work. 0.97

00:05:44.000 So I just keep busy as fuck. 0.93

00:05:46.000 Do you enjoy work? 0.99

00:05:48.000 I love it.

00:05:48.000 I love the satisfaction of making stuff and having people enjoy it.

00:05:57.000 It seems like you love doing stand-up.

00:05:59.000 When I see you at the store and you're going up, it looks like you're having a great time.

00:06:02.000 Oh, I just have a great time hanging out with other comics.

00:06:04.000 I love the comedy store.

00:06:05.000 I love what the comedy store is.

00:06:06.000 I love what it always has been.

00:06:08.000 I love how it's had this resurgence.

00:06:09.000 I love the fact that they don't let everybody in there.

00:06:12.000 Yeah.

00:06:13.000 Yeah.

00:06:14.000 Isn't that great?

00:06:15.000 It is great.

00:06:15.000 There's a lot of people that are trying to get in there, and they're like, eh, we're good.

00:06:19.000 Yeah, and there's a lot of comics that you think are great comics.

00:06:23.000 Mitzi had a weird thing, like, she didn't pass Louie.

00:06:25.000 Like, that's crazy.

00:06:27.000 And then there was gatekeeper Tommy there for a while, who wouldn't pass, like, was holding a torch for Mitzi and what her, you know, when he had a weird thing with black eyes.

00:06:37.000 He was not the best dude.

00:06:40.000 But now this Adam Egan is coming.

00:06:42.000 I'm being so polite.

00:06:46.000 But then I love the fact that, like, me and you got to hang out at that back bar.

00:06:51.000 Like, they made that for us.

00:06:52.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:06:53.000 It was really fucking smart. 0.94

00:06:54.000 That's within the last two years. 0.95

00:06:55.000 They made this, if you guys don't know what we're talking about, they made this video room that was just a room in the back behind the kitchen.

00:07:03.000 And they said, the comics love hanging out here.

00:07:05.000 Let's create a special little back bar just for the comedians and their friends.

00:07:11.000 And we get to have conversations in there.

00:07:13.000 And you had some weird thing. 0.99

00:07:14.000 Somebody told me the other night when I was in there, like, fucking some chick was in here taking pictures. 0.99

00:07:19.000 No, she was filming. 0.99

00:07:20.000 Oh, yeah, you can't do that.

00:07:20.000 She was filming Santino and I having a conversation.

00:07:25.000 And Brian Redband caught her filming.

00:07:28.000 Yeah, you can't do that.

00:07:28.000 See, that's the place where you can't do that.

00:07:30.000 It's a private bar.

00:07:32.000 Yeah.

00:07:33.000 You're not even supposed to be back there unless you're a comic.

00:07:35.000 Or a friend of a comic.

00:07:36.000 Exactly.

00:07:37.000 And that's great for us.

00:07:39.000 I enjoy talking to people as much, but sometimes it just gets overwhelming.

00:07:45.000 And also, I want to have a conversation With you or any of my friends.

00:07:50.000 A real one.

00:07:51.000 Yeah.

00:07:51.000 A normal conversation where you can talk at length to somebody and you can't do that.

00:07:55.000 And it's like you're getting interrupted nonstop.

00:07:58.000 Just, again, happy to...

00:08:00.000 I'm still the type of guy after shows, I'll go out, say hello to everybody, talk, you know, and...

00:08:06.000 But when all my friends are around, that's one of the great parts about the Comedy Store.

00:08:10.000 And again, another part about the Comedy Store is that you have to get past.

00:08:14.000 You have to be a paid regular.

00:08:16.000 Yeah.

00:08:17.000 Love it.

00:08:18.000 It is also, there's a bunch of hot spots there where you get stuck.

00:08:23.000 Like, if you're trying to do your set, and you're leaving the back bar, and you're trying to get to the OR, and you're going through that hallway, you'll just get stuck by people with cameras.

00:08:31.000 They just want to take pictures.

00:08:32.000 They just wait.

00:08:33.000 They're just waiting like owls.

00:08:35.000 Ready to swoop down and snatch a rabbit.

00:08:37.000 They're just waiting, waiting, waiting.

00:08:38.000 There's Owl's Magical!

00:08:39.000 And they're just, Owl, can I get a picture?

00:08:41.000 Can I get a picture, Owl?

00:08:42.000 And you're like, I gotta do my set.

00:08:43.000 And you're like, literally walk outside, just real quick, just real quick!

00:08:45.000 Like, walking to the stairs, I've seen it.

00:08:48.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:08:48.000 It's like, fucking Christ. 1.00

00:08:49.000 But it really is when it's the... 0.99

00:08:52.000 The Comedy Cellar in New York and the Comedy Store in Los Angeles are the best comedy clubs in the country, and if you're a comedy fan listening to this, you've got to make the trip.

00:09:02.000 You really do, because it's worth it.

00:09:03.000 On Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Thursday night, you're going to see an amazing show that could be in a stadium.

00:09:08.000 Yeah.

00:09:09.000 Oh, yeah, for sure.

00:09:10.000 Yeah.

00:09:10.000 I mean, some of the lineups.

00:09:12.000 Like, you guys have a show there next Wednesday, All Things Comedy.

00:09:15.000 It's you, Burr, Kreischer.

00:09:18.000 Who else is on?

00:09:19.000 No, I'm actually not even on it because I'm going to go to Mexico.

00:09:22.000 Oh.

00:09:23.000 No, it's Burr.

00:09:25.000 And Bill.

00:09:26.000 And then, you know, a couple other ATC comics that you might see.

00:09:30.000 But the last one we did, you did.

00:09:32.000 And then Sarah Silverman was on it.

00:09:34.000 Yeah.

00:09:34.000 So it was you, Sarah Silverman, Eddie Pepitone, like this great mix.

00:09:39.000 I think Burr was on that one.

00:09:40.000 Yeah.

00:09:41.000 They're insane.

00:09:42.000 Yeah, it's a great, great place to hang out.

00:09:46.000 So I love that, and I love doing stand-up, and I love hanging out with my friends, and that's a huge part of it for me.

00:09:53.000 But you feel like you're distracting yourself with work.

00:09:55.000 I brought something.

00:09:56.000 You made a great point the other night, because we were talking about having an assistant.

00:10:02.000 You go, I don't want to be busy enough to have an assistant.

00:10:06.000 Yeah.

00:10:06.000 I don't want to be that busy.

00:10:07.000 When I get to assistant level and I start thinking about assistant, you take it down.

00:10:12.000 Well, that's my manager.

00:10:13.000 They came up to me and they said, we think you should get an assistant. 0.99

00:10:16.000 I said, I'll definitely start doing less shit. 0.98

00:10:18.000 I go, let's just stop doing whatever I'm doing that I'm doing too much that I need an assistant. 0.99

00:10:22.000 Just stop.

00:10:23.000 And they're like, well, sometimes it's hard to get ahold of you.

00:10:25.000 I go, well, that's on purpose.

00:10:26.000 Yeah.

00:10:26.000 Like, do you understand that?

00:10:27.000 It's like Bill Murray has a 1-800 number.

00:10:30.000 Does he?

00:10:30.000 Yeah.

00:10:32.000 If you want to get a hold of Bill Murray, you get the 1-800 number, and then maybe he'll call you back.

00:10:39.000 Really?

00:10:40.000 Yep.

00:10:40.000 So people leave messages on the 1-800 number or something?

00:10:43.000 Yeah.

00:10:43.000 Wow.

00:10:44.000 I mean, if you're calling about him being in a major motion picture, that's how you get a hold of Bill Murray.

00:10:49.000 Well, Bill Murray apparently checked out of relationships a few years ago.

00:10:53.000 He said, no more relationships.

00:10:54.000 I don't want a girlfriend.

00:10:55.000 I don't want a wife. 1.00

00:10:57.000 I'm done.

00:10:57.000 He He has a kid, I guess, apparently.

00:10:59.000 He's got an older kid.

00:10:59.000 Yeah.

00:11:00.000 Checked out, and he moved to, like, North Carolina or South Carolina, like one of those fucking places. 0.99

00:11:06.000 And Anthony Bourdain interviewed him on his show. 0.98

00:11:09.000 You know, he had him on his show, and he's like, what are you doing down here?

00:11:12.000 And he's like, I love it.

00:11:13.000 It's great.

00:11:14.000 The people are nice.

00:11:14.000 Yeah, and he also, for a while, was living in upstate New York, like up the Hudson.

00:11:19.000 He would live up there.

00:11:20.000 Same sort of deal.

00:11:21.000 Just...

00:11:22.000 I'm done.

00:11:24.000 I'm just gonna live in weird spots and by myself. 0.99

00:11:28.000 So that's another reason why I'm working my ass off is I want that I'm done fuck you money and I want to be able to chill out. 0.99

00:11:35.000 I got kids on the back end of this thing where they're almost out of the house. 0.99

00:11:39.000 I'm looking forward to that where they're both gonna be in college. 0.98

00:11:42.000 I'm trying to get these little fuckers ready for life to the point where they don't need to come back because you hear a lot of people are living in their homes with their parents until they're 30. And later? 1.00

00:11:51.000 What the fuck is that about? 0.99

00:11:52.000 Not acceptable. 1.00

00:11:53.000 I'm going to push you out the door. 0.99

00:11:55.000 I know someone who's 36. Not good. 0.99

00:11:57.000 Yeah, what?

00:11:58.000 Well, they're making life is too good, I guess.

00:12:02.000 Yeah, it's too easy.

00:12:04.000 Yeah, there's no...

00:12:04.000 I was listening to Dr. Drew talk about this on Howard Stern Wrap-Up Show, and he was saying, like, kids don't have grit.

00:12:12.000 Grit. 1.00

00:12:13.000 Fucking grit. 1.00

00:12:14.000 Associate Dr. Drew with grit. 1.00

00:12:16.000 Well, it's just, you know, he knows about, you know...

00:12:20.000 Hustle.

00:12:21.000 And he goes, my kids are coddled, but he thinks the only thing is the educational system.

00:12:26.000 Pushing education makes somebody work their ass off.

00:12:28.000 If you don't have that inner drive and a reason, like, you know, getting with me, and this was where also, you know, if you...

00:12:36.000 I don't see a therapist. 0.98

00:12:37.000 I probably should, because I got a lot of shit going on. 1.00

00:12:40.000 But fucking... 1.00

00:12:41.000 My mom was cleaning houses, making $6 an hour. 1.00

00:12:47.000 My dad, Teamster, warehouse foreman.

00:12:50.000 And they were poor growing up, lower middle class, and then went to the school.

00:12:57.000 He sent me to a school in San Francisco with all these rich kids.

00:13:00.000 So I was in all these rich houses, and houses in, if people know San Francisco, Pacific Heights is really nice, and sold it. 0.88

00:13:07.000 Now it's like fucking $12 million houses, and that's where we were hanging out. 0.99

00:13:11.000 Parents would abandon them on the weekends, and we'd have run of these fucking houses. 1.00

00:13:16.000 Just crazy. 0.99

00:13:17.000 Like, my buddy broke a $25,000 vase. 0.99

00:13:20.000 Like, let's get the fuck out of here. 0.98

00:13:21.000 What the hell are you going to make us pay for it? 0.98

00:13:23.000 And we were in all these...

00:13:25.000 I was, like, smoking some guy's Cubans, sitting in his chair.

00:13:28.000 And so I'm a kid from the Inner Sunset District who shouldn't be in all these places. 0.99

00:13:32.000 But I think that's what lit a fire under my ass because... 0.99

00:13:37.000 And I'm working for the... 0.99

00:13:39.000 My mom eventually has this great rags-to-riches story where... 1.00

00:13:42.000 She was working at this company, and then she became an account rep, and then she became the head account rep, then she became the vice president, then she bought the company and quadrupled the company in size.

00:13:54.000 Wow.

00:13:55.000 And that's where I went to work for her, even though I wanted to be a stand-up comic.

00:13:58.000 I go to work for her. 0.99

00:14:00.000 I am firing people for a living, which is a whole other fucking thing. 0.99

00:14:05.000 I really was forced into this very tough... 0.99

00:14:09.000 My dad and my mom were very fucking brutal. 0.99

00:14:12.000 Half Mexican, half Sicilian. 1.00

00:14:15.000 That's what I am.

00:14:16.000 And then my mom, Sicilian, like just the youngest sister with all boys in the family. 1.00

00:14:24.000 Just a brutal lady who can't tell you how many times she said, like, fuck them! 1.00

00:14:31.000 Just fuck them. 1.00

00:14:33.000 Like, okay. 1.00

00:14:34.000 They're going to, you know, just a client giving her shit. 1.00

00:14:36.000 Like, no, no, no. 1.00

00:14:37.000 Fuck them. 1.00

00:14:38.000 And they don't appreciate me. 1.00

00:14:40.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:14:42.000 It's like, so it was like that with us. 1.00

00:14:45.000 And then my dad, same thing.

00:14:46.000 They found each other for a reason because they both have that attitude.

00:14:49.000 And so I was working there and then I was supposed to be this eldest son taking over this family business. 0.98

00:14:55.000 So when I met you in 1999, You came up to my apartment, which was, in Telegraph Hill, it was a nice fucking apartment. 0.97

00:15:03.000 I'm like the opener with a great place. 0.93

00:15:06.000 And I lived, I had a wet bar.

00:15:08.000 Remember?

00:15:08.000 Yeah, you had a cool spot.

00:15:10.000 Yeah, we smoked pot and watched old Oprah's.

00:15:12.000 Old Oprah's with, she had big hair. 1.00

00:15:14.000 Huge hair, no work done at all.

00:15:16.000 No.

00:15:16.000 Just old Oprah.

00:15:18.000 And we were just baked watching fucking old Oprah. 0.99

00:15:21.000 I had even, like, I had just met my wife at that point. 0.97

00:15:24.000 And so, yes, it's 1999. And, um...

00:15:28.000 I was working a regular job.

00:15:30.000 So I would do shows on the weekend, host at Cobbs or the Punchline, and go right back to work.

00:15:36.000 And at one point, I think I remember the world started to collide, like I'm doing stand-up and I look out and everybody's laughing except like three dudes with their arms crossed. 0.99

00:15:44.000 I'm like, oh shit! 1.00

00:15:46.000 I fired those fucking guys. 1.00

00:15:47.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:15:48.000 All the time.

00:15:49.000 Dudes that you fired were sitting in the audience upset at you?

00:15:52.000 Yeah.

00:15:52.000 Started to make it into...

00:15:53.000 Did they go to see you?

00:15:55.000 No.

00:15:55.000 Nobody found me.

00:15:57.000 Oh, wow. 0.99

00:15:58.000 They must have been fucking steaming. 0.99

00:16:00.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:16:00.000 Just like, fuck that guy. 1.00

00:16:02.000 Everybody's laughing. 1.00

00:16:02.000 I'm having a good set and look at just one dude fucking scowling at me. 1.00

00:16:07.000 So... 0.99

00:16:07.000 How creepy was that? 0.99

00:16:08.000 Did it mind fuck you? 1.00

00:16:09.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:16:10.000 No, but I had such a good attitude at that point.

00:16:12.000 I was like, hey, fellas.

00:16:14.000 How are ya?

00:16:14.000 Yep.

00:16:15.000 It's a little weird, huh?

00:16:16.000 Did you talk about it?

00:16:17.000 Yeah.

00:16:17.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:16:19.000 Well, I definitely acknowledged them and said hello.

00:16:21.000 Like, I knew their names and...

00:16:23.000 But you didn't say, like, hey, I fired you guys.

00:16:25.000 No, no, no.

00:16:26.000 That would have been hilarious.

00:16:26.000 I didn't round him talking to everybody in the entire room, which I probably would do now.

00:16:31.000 So, not experienced enough to handle it.

00:16:34.000 When I met you, how long had you been doing stand-up?

00:16:37.000 A year.

00:16:38.000 Oh, wow.

00:16:38.000 That's crazy.

00:16:39.000 I just had my 19th anniversary was fucking on Tuesday. 0.98

00:16:44.000 Wow. 0.99

00:16:45.000 That's crazy.

00:16:46.000 First, Tuesday in May, did my first set.

00:16:49.000 Went up in front of, like, half homeless people in San Francisco.

00:16:52.000 At Cobb's?

00:16:53.000 No.

00:16:53.000 At this place called The Luggage Store, which was on Market Street.

00:16:57.000 Wow.

00:16:58.000 Just tenderloin.

00:16:58.000 Full tenderloin.

00:17:00.000 Walked up.

00:17:01.000 I worked with you the first time I did the Old Cobbs.

00:17:03.000 Yeah.

00:17:03.000 That place was great.

00:17:04.000 We got matched up, because it was Tom Sawyer.

00:17:07.000 He would make matches of...

00:17:10.000 He really...

00:17:11.000 He would pride himself in creating lineups that people would go together.

00:17:16.000 Yeah, and let me just tell you something.

00:17:18.000 It worked once.

00:17:19.000 With you.

00:17:20.000 That's it. 1.00

00:17:21.000 All the other times were a fucking disaster. 0.99

00:17:22.000 I know, because I heard about it afterwards. 0.98

00:17:24.000 Even when I was up there, because I'd find him, I'm like, hey, what's up? 0.99

00:17:27.000 He's like, who the fuck is this guy? 1.00

00:17:29.000 You're just totally fucking... 1.00

00:17:31.000 Yeah, he put me with this fucking asshole. 1.00

00:17:33.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:17:34.000 He put me with some...

00:17:36.000 You know, there's some people that you think have potential and then they just don't.

00:17:40.000 You know, we've all...

00:17:41.000 We met guys like that.

00:17:42.000 I mean, there's a few guys that I could...

00:17:43.000 I wouldn't name them.

00:17:45.000 You used to come up with...

00:17:46.000 I opened for you.

00:17:46.000 It was Matty Kirsch.

00:17:47.000 Yeah.

00:17:48.000 Right?

00:17:48.000 Sure.

00:17:49.000 And then Eddie Bravo fucking came up. 0.99

00:17:51.000 Well, he'd come to hang. 0.99

00:17:52.000 He wasn't...

00:17:53.000 No, he wasn't doing any stand-up, but he was like totally come to hang.

00:17:56.000 And then...

00:17:59.000 I think it was down here that I met Brian, and then Brian started going around with you super early on.

00:18:06.000 That was when I moved down here in 2004. Ari and Duncan, but that was the new Cobbs.

00:18:11.000 That was once they started moving to the new spot.

00:18:13.000 In the old one, I think it was just Matt.

00:18:15.000 Yeah, Matty Kirsch.

00:18:17.000 Early days.

00:18:18.000 Matty Kirsch stopped doing stand-up for a long time.

00:18:21.000 I think he's done.

00:18:22.000 I think he just completely stopped.

00:18:24.000 He started doing TV stuff.

00:18:26.000 He stopped doing stand-up, then he went back to it again, but I never saw him.

00:18:30.000 I think he's done. 0.96

00:18:31.000 Yeah, I don't think you can dick around with that. 0.99

00:18:33.000 I was with... 0.92

00:18:34.000 Me and my buddies were watching Tim Allen come back.

00:18:38.000 Yep.

00:18:39.000 And you know what I did?

00:18:40.000 What?

00:18:40.000 He was such a nice guy.

00:18:42.000 He watched my set and came up and said a bunch of stuff afterwards.

00:18:46.000 He was super cool to me.

00:18:48.000 And it was so rough watching that set. 0.99

00:18:51.000 He made all these Santa Claus movies and he made Home Improvement and all this shit. 0.98

00:18:55.000 And me and Kevin Christie sat in the balcony and I said, you know what? 0.98

00:18:58.000 Let's do something for this guy. 0.97

00:18:59.000 And we wrote him nine pages of jokes and fucking just handed them to him. 0.98

00:19:04.000 Really? 0.99

00:19:05.000 And he goes, thank you!

00:19:06.000 Oh my god! 0.99

00:19:07.000 And then we came back the next night and he did a bunch of this shit and got an applause break on one of my picks. 0.99

00:19:12.000 Wow! 0.99

00:19:13.000 I felt so good.

00:19:14.000 That's so cool.

00:19:15.000 I saw him one night at the comedy store when he hadn't done stand-up in forever, and he came back, and he was doing a joke about his Ferrari breaking down.

00:19:24.000 Yeah, a lot of stuff people can relate to.

00:19:25.000 And I wanted to pull him aside and go, listen, man, don't do that.

00:19:29.000 Whatever.

00:19:30.000 Just don't do that.

00:19:30.000 I don't care if it's about a Ferrari breaking down.

00:19:33.000 Don't tell everybody you have a $250,000 car.

00:19:36.000 Well, that's a big George Carlin thing is that when he got so wealthy and he had people going to the post office for him, he's like, I can't do the post office bit now because I don't even go to the fucking post office and I can't talk about the bank because I never go to the bank for myself. 0.99

00:19:51.000 You gotta do all your own shit. 0.98

00:19:53.000 And you have to stay relatable. 0.99

00:19:54.000 It goes the other way, too.

00:19:55.000 I was in New York, and when I was out there, and a comic goes up, and he was like, he goes, you know when you do an angel dust?

00:20:02.000 And I'm like, nobody knows.

00:20:04.000 Nobody knows when you do an angel dust.

00:20:05.000 What are you talking about?

00:20:07.000 But talk about a niche audience.

00:20:08.000 Yeah, totally.

00:20:09.000 So, you know, stand-up, like, Matt jumped out, and it's like, I don't think you can jump out.

00:20:14.000 Like, it's one of those things where... 0.98

00:20:15.000 Well, you can, but goddamn, you love it. 0.97

00:20:17.000 Like, Dana Gould jumped out for a long time and wrote for The Simpsons, and then came back. 0.99

00:20:20.000 You can do it.

00:20:22.000 But, you know, arguably Dana Gould should have been a huge superstar as a stand-up comedian. 0.90

00:20:27.000 He was a San Francisco guy who was like, I listened to, if you guys know who that comic is, I mean, again, go find it because so good, so many voices, so many characters, so smart stories, like...

00:20:39.000 Well, I met him in Boston in 88. Holy shit. 0.96

00:20:42.000 And he was already big then. 1.00

00:20:44.000 Like, he was a headliner then.

00:20:46.000 And doing really well.

00:20:48.000 He was like Rodney Dangerfield young comedian special big, right?

00:20:52.000 He had a Showtime special.

00:20:54.000 I remember that.

00:20:55.000 He had a Showtime special before I moved to LA. Because I remember watching it.

00:21:00.000 And it was really interesting.

00:21:02.000 It was like the way he did it was like kind of unique.

00:21:05.000 The way he shot it was unique.

00:21:06.000 And it was good.

00:21:07.000 It was really good.

00:21:08.000 And I was like, this guy is going to be giant.

00:21:09.000 And I figured it was going to be like, from there, HBO specials, from there, giant theaters, from there.

00:21:15.000 You know, he was going to go the Brian Regan route, you know, where he was selling out all over these places.

00:21:20.000 He married the woman who ended up becoming the president of HBO. That ain't good.

00:21:26.000 Can't do that.

00:21:27.000 Only, I have another thing.

00:21:29.000 One headshot per household.

00:21:31.000 Yes!

00:21:32.000 Dude, if you see like two...

00:21:34.000 I think Tom Segura and Christina are the ones that can pull it off too.

00:21:37.000 The only ones.

00:21:38.000 Yeah.

00:21:39.000 I've not seen anyone else do this successfully.

00:21:42.000 And I'm still standing back like this on that one.

00:21:45.000 Like, well, okay, this might blow up.

00:21:47.000 Yeah, totally.

00:21:48.000 You got this?

00:21:49.000 You got it?

00:21:50.000 All right.

00:21:51.000 Yeah.

00:21:51.000 Over here.

00:21:52.000 Well, there was a kid on The Daily Show that him and his wife auditioned for The Daily Show at the same time, and he got it, and she didn't.

00:22:00.000 Oh! 0.60

00:22:01.000 Yep, super weird.

00:22:02.000 That must have been a fun time in that house.

00:22:04.000 Not good.

00:22:05.000 Not good at all.

00:22:06.000 Somebody starts becoming super popular and then the other person is like, oh, what do I do?

00:22:10.000 Do I pull a Matt Kirsch?

00:22:11.000 Do I jump out now or find other work?

00:22:15.000 And that's also been a difficult thing with me. 0.88

00:22:17.000 So back to what we were talking about, it's like, so now I leave this parent's family business and I come to L.A., I could have, again, I could have been up there and miserable, fucking with, you know, firing people nonstop and, like, taking on other people's problems.

00:22:32.000 Because that's what I did is, like, if you have a business or you work somewhere, we'd employ everybody working there so you didn't have to deal with any of the headaches. 0.75

00:22:38.000 But then I got all the headaches.

00:22:40.000 So I've been chased.

00:22:42.000 Like, I had a guy who was a Taiwanese, like, he was sick, this bad, he was working in a doctor's office, but on the weekends we found out he was pretending he was the doctor. 1.00

00:22:55.000 So he was seeing patients, booking his own patients, but he was a physical therapist in an orthopedist's office.

00:23:03.000 So I go in there, and I've been doing this a while.

00:23:06.000 And again, I've been in so many awkward situations.

00:23:08.000 Now I'm doing stand-up, and I'm even in more awkward situations, and I just go up, and I go, hey, Twan.

00:23:15.000 You know, jig is up.

00:23:17.000 I go, today's your last day.

00:23:18.000 We found out what you're doing.

00:23:19.000 He grabs me, puts me up against the wall.

00:23:22.000 He gets one of those physical therapy sticks.

00:23:24.000 You know, the big, like the pole that you use to stretch with behind your back and stuff.

00:23:29.000 And he has one of those cut in half.

00:23:31.000 And he sticks it right up to my throat.

00:23:34.000 And I'm cool.

00:23:36.000 And so I go, Twan, you got two choices here. 0.86

00:23:40.000 You're going to hit me with that stick.

00:23:42.000 And I'm going to call the cops. 0.97

00:23:44.000 And I'm going to press charges and you're going to go to jail. 1.00

00:23:46.000 Because I'm going to be pissed that you hit me with that fucking stick. 1.00

00:23:49.000 Or you can take the final check that's in my breast pocket right here and walk away. 1.00

00:23:53.000 What's it going to be? 1.00

00:23:54.000 And I'm held up against the wall by my throat with the fucking stick in my face. 0.99

00:23:58.000 And so I had some crazy situations. 0.98

00:24:01.000 What did you say to him?

00:24:02.000 You said the jig is up.

00:24:03.000 I know you're not a real doctor.

00:24:05.000 Yeah, I go, hey...

00:24:06.000 How you doing?

00:24:07.000 You shouldn't be here right now.

00:24:08.000 What was his response?

00:24:10.000 No, this is not true.

00:24:13.000 He barely spoke English?

00:24:14.000 Yeah.

00:24:15.000 He's a physical therapist.

00:24:16.000 Was he banging chicks, too?

00:24:17.000 I have no idea.

00:24:18.000 I would like it to be that way.

00:24:20.000 Yeah, he's just banging them.

00:24:21.000 Yeah, that's a better story if he is.

00:24:22.000 There's a way to heal you. 1.00

00:24:24.000 It's to your vagina. 1.00

00:24:25.000 Use my cock. 1.00

00:24:27.000 So I had Russian nurses running from me and just crazy stories. 1.00

00:24:31.000 What were they trying to do to you?

00:24:33.000 Well, this Russian nurse was in an allergist's office and she was giving wrong doses to the kids and stuff of shots. 1.00

00:24:40.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:24:41.000 So I had all my documentation, like these yellow pads I go.

00:24:44.000 There's, you can see right here, I'm 22 years old.

00:24:47.000 You can see right here that she tries to grab it. 1.00

00:24:49.000 Now it's a tug of war across a desk and I don't know what the fuck is going on. 0.98

00:24:53.000 And she takes off and runs down a hallway. 1.00

00:24:57.000 And I'm 22, and I go, shit! 1.00

00:24:59.000 And I fucking run down the hallway after her, and she goes into a patient room, and then she locks the door, and then I get the door open, and she's in there, and she's talking to her husband on the phone, and she goes, Andrew, there is a man here who's telling me lies. 1.00

00:25:11.000 He's telling me lies, Andrew. 0.99

00:25:13.000 And I didn't want to tell you this, but I am pregnant. 0.52

00:25:17.000 And I'm going to lose the baby because of this man.

00:25:20.000 Like that, I'm going...

00:25:21.000 Oh my god.

00:25:23.000 Yeah, totally.

00:25:24.000 Freaking out.

00:25:25.000 Oh my god. 1.00

00:25:26.000 So, I had to teach a bunch of Vietnamese people how to shit. 1.00

00:25:30.000 There was one day I got a call. 1.00

00:25:32.000 Wait.

00:25:32.000 Yeah?

00:25:32.000 Wait.

00:25:34.000 I got a call from this guy.

00:25:35.000 What was the issue?

00:25:36.000 Well, they were humungs.

00:25:37.000 Okay.

00:25:38.000 You know, humung is like this.

00:25:39.000 If you saw Gran Torino, that movie with Clint Eastwood.

00:25:42.000 I think the H is silent.

00:25:44.000 I think they're just called humungs. 0.57

00:25:45.000 Yeah, you're right.

00:25:46.000 The H-M-O-U-N-G? Yeah. 1.00

00:25:49.000 And then there are people without a land.

00:25:52.000 Yeah.

00:25:53.000 And then they all came to San Jose, California to work in assembly plants.

00:25:58.000 So they're in this cable assembly plant called Cable Co.

00:26:03.000 That was a big client of ours.

00:26:04.000 And I got a call from this really cool guy.

00:26:06.000 His name was Chip.

00:26:07.000 Chip Bronk.

00:26:08.000 And he goes, Al, you got to get down here. 0.99

00:26:10.000 You're not going to fucking believe it. 0.97

00:26:11.000 And I got a situation. 0.98

00:26:12.000 And I go, what is it?

00:26:13.000 And he goes, better you see. 0.99

00:26:17.000 And I go into the bathroom, shit everywhere. 0.99

00:26:20.000 What? 0.98

00:26:21.000 Because they had never been used to toilets.

00:26:22.000 So they were standing on the toilet seats.

00:26:25.000 I found out that's what was going on.

00:26:27.000 They all had fake names.

00:26:28.000 Like, the name is Fook Lee, but you can call me Keith. 0.99

00:26:32.000 And shit like that. 0.96

00:26:33.000 So I was like, hey Keith, Fook Lee, can you come here for a second? 0.99

00:26:36.000 Can I talk to you about this? 0.99

00:26:37.000 So where was the shit? 0.99

00:26:39.000 Everywhere. 1.00

00:26:40.000 Like on the ground?

00:26:41.000 Yeah, they were missing! 0.98

00:26:43.000 Because the toilet seat is not meant to fucking hold you up. 0.97

00:26:47.000 So they're waddling up there. 0.98

00:26:48.000 So they were standing on the toilet seat.

00:26:50.000 Standing on the toilet seat. 0.99

00:26:51.000 So they were just used to, like, shitting in holes? 0.99

00:26:53.000 They're shitting in holes. 0.99

00:26:54.000 Oh, my God. 0.99

00:26:54.000 If they're lucky, you know, in the woods or whatever. 0.99

00:26:57.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:26:58.000 If they're lucky.

00:27:00.000 If they're not lucky, what, they hold it forever?

00:27:02.000 Yeah, just backed up.

00:27:03.000 It becomes a brick.

00:27:05.000 Yeah.

00:27:06.000 So, um...

00:27:07.000 Anyway, I gathered everybody around.

00:27:09.000 I just appointed a bathroom monitor. 1.00

00:27:11.000 Oh, my God.

00:27:12.000 A bathroom monitor?

00:27:13.000 So I had one of the guys who was a supervisor.

00:27:15.000 I had a clipboard.

00:27:16.000 I put a lock on the bathroom door.

00:27:19.000 So you become this corporate fixer.

00:27:21.000 That's what I was doing.

00:27:23.000 And I always wanted to do stand-up comedy.

00:27:24.000 I love stand-up comedy.

00:27:25.000 I grew up in the city with just listening to comedians on the radio and all the great comics.

00:27:30.000 There were two comics who lived on my block.

00:27:31.000 Who lived on your block?

00:27:33.000 Mike Pritchard and Michael Meehan.

00:27:35.000 Two great comics.

00:27:36.000 Mike Pritchard won the first San Francisco comedy competition and Robin Williams looked up to him.

00:27:42.000 He was like Robin Williams.

00:27:43.000 That was his idol.

00:27:45.000 And he was on my block.

00:27:46.000 And you know Monty Hoffman?

00:27:47.000 Yeah.

00:27:48.000 Monty Hoffman.

00:27:48.000 I would be eight years old on my bike and I'd ride down the block and Monty Hoffman and Mike Pritchard used to put their t-shirts over their heads.

00:27:56.000 You know how you can do it?

00:27:56.000 Like just the face pops out of the hole.

00:27:59.000 And they used to pretend they were the California raising guys.

00:28:03.000 I was like, you guys are hilarious.

00:28:05.000 This is amazing.

00:28:06.000 They lived on your block?

00:28:07.000 On my block.

00:28:08.000 And I remember...

00:28:09.000 Where's Pritchard now?

00:28:11.000 I think he's a motivational speaker still up in the Bay Area.

00:28:13.000 He lives in Marin.

00:28:14.000 He came to the last night at Cobb's Comedy Club in that little spot.

00:28:18.000 Why?

00:28:19.000 He stopped doing stand-up?

00:28:20.000 He just speaks.

00:28:21.000 Wow, weird.

00:28:22.000 Yeah.

00:28:23.000 So, well, you know, that's another tempting thing for me, too, is because I do a ton of corporate stand-up.

00:28:29.000 You can get paid, you know, five figures to...

00:28:33.000 deep five figures to speak at 3.30 p.m.

00:28:36.000 and do stand-up at a thing...

00:28:39.000 And, you know, if your stand-up career, like, you're in a good, amazing spot because people come to see you.

00:28:45.000 Like I'm still at the stage where I go out and 40% of the people there come to see me and it's a weird cross-section of people who love stand-up or you know heard me you know heard me on Burt's podcast or your podcast you know whatever and then it's a weird cross-section of daily show people and then sitcom people and then you know what I mean it's like this weird crowd coming together and And then it's people who like comedy.

00:29:13.000 It's that Stanhope bit.

00:29:14.000 Right.

00:29:14.000 How many people came here to see me?

00:29:20.000 And how many people came here to see comedy?

00:29:23.000 Yeah.

00:29:23.000 And it's like music isn't like that.

00:29:25.000 And so for me to do a corporate gig and get paid a gazillion, you know, like a lot of money is fucking tempting to switch over to that side.

00:29:34.000 So I could see why people do that.

00:29:35.000 That's what Jay Leno did.

00:29:37.000 He just gets paid 250 grand.

00:29:39.000 That's why he doesn't put out any content.

00:29:41.000 Jay Leno doesn't have- So he can do the same act.

00:29:42.000 He has no body of work.

00:29:45.000 He had a Showtime special that he did that I saw in the 90s, and I'm pretty sure, other than his Tonight Show monologues, which of course is numerous, I think that's the last stand-up that he ever put out as far as a full act.

00:29:59.000 Talk to him about it.

00:30:00.000 Yeah, he's got a weird philosophy about it.

00:30:03.000 I did randomly got a phone call to present him with his Mark Twain award at the Kennedy Center.

00:30:13.000 Oh, wow. 0.99

00:30:14.000 It was me, fucking Seinfeld. 0.98

00:30:17.000 Jimmy Fallon, Seth Meyers, like crazy people, you know, Wanda Sykes, you know, I had no business being there, Chelsea Handler, whatever, just like all stars, and I'd never met them before. 0.98

00:30:30.000 And I think they just wanted to color it up. 0.95

00:30:33.000 But I'm going to say yes, because it's fucking Kennedy Center and super, super cool. 0.96

00:30:38.000 And I go there, and I meet them for the first time. 0.94

00:30:42.000 And then my act was like, what are you doing?

00:30:46.000 Like, you have $250 million or something like that, and you steal every Sunday.

00:30:52.000 You go to the Comedy Magic Club.

00:30:54.000 You don't turn over your act.

00:30:56.000 You get separate comedy money and TV money and this car collection.

00:31:00.000 I go, what?

00:31:02.000 What?

00:31:03.000 Just chill out, man.

00:31:05.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:31:06.000 And I go, you give me fucking $4 million. 1.00

00:31:09.000 You never see me again. 1.00

00:31:10.000 And he goes, sold!

00:31:12.000 I got it from the balcony.

00:31:14.000 And then we had a long conversation about it afterwards, which was super weird.

00:31:19.000 And talked about that exact same thing that you just discussed, is that he has an act that he wants to keep doing.

00:31:26.000 And if it never appears on TV, you gotta go see him to see it.

00:31:30.000 Yeah.

00:31:31.000 But people get mad when they see him twice.

00:31:34.000 Oh, yeah!

00:31:35.000 Like, he was in Edmonton, he did the River Cree, and then he did it again a year later, and he did the same act.

00:31:42.000 And the people there were mad.

00:31:45.000 Well, that's just...

00:31:45.000 I mean, for those old school guys, that's how you did it.

00:31:48.000 I mean, it's not...

00:31:49.000 No knock against him.

00:31:50.000 That's how everybody did it.

00:31:52.000 Catskills guys and vaudeville guys.

00:31:54.000 All those guys would do the same act for 10 years.

00:31:58.000 And it was...

00:31:59.000 Also, you could do other people's acts.

00:32:02.000 Yes.

00:32:03.000 Right?

00:32:03.000 Yeah.

00:32:03.000 They just did.

00:32:04.000 They did that.

00:32:06.000 You know, there was no social media.

00:32:08.000 When the...

00:32:12.000 Abbott and Costello did Who's On First on TV. 20 other guys were pissed because they also did that exact same bit.

00:32:24.000 Really?

00:32:25.000 Yeah.

00:32:25.000 And they're like, thanks a lot, fellas.

00:32:27.000 I could never fucking do that thing again.

00:32:29.000 So Who's On First wasn't an Abbott and Costello original? 0.97

00:32:31.000 Nope.

00:32:32.000 Whoa. 1.00

00:32:33.000 There were fucking 20 other duets doing that exact same fucking material. 1.00

00:32:37.000 Wow. 0.99

00:32:38.000 Yeah.

00:32:39.000 So now it's completely...

00:32:40.000 So Jay Leno, of course, is carrying that...

00:32:42.000 You're pissed.

00:32:43.000 When I started in San Francisco, there was this great guy, Jimmy Cornette, who ran the punchline.

00:32:48.000 We were talking about other people coming through and not changing their act.

00:32:52.000 And he goes, dude, you need a new 20 minutes at least every time you come through here.

00:32:59.000 People are going to be pissed.

00:33:00.000 They want to see the hits.

00:33:01.000 And that's what Bobby Slayton would say.

00:33:03.000 When you go see The Stones, you want to see Brown Sugar. 0.99

00:33:06.000 But you got to mix in some fucking new shit every once in a while, too. 0.97

00:33:11.000 With comics, I feel like they less want to see the hits more than anything. 0.99

00:33:14.000 Like, with music, like, they actually just want to see the hits. 0.96

00:33:17.000 Like, if you go to see The Stones, they don't want to hear any new Stone shit. 0.97

00:33:20.000 New stuff. 0.99

00:33:20.000 I thought that. 0.99

00:33:21.000 Yeah, I want satisfaction.

00:33:22.000 Yeah.

00:33:23.000 But if you go to see Burr, you want to see all his new stuff.

00:33:27.000 Yeah, you're familiar with his stuff.

00:33:28.000 If you saw his last Netflix special.

00:33:30.000 Exactly.

00:33:30.000 Yeah.

00:33:31.000 Yeah, it's interesting.

00:33:33.000 But it keeps you creative.

00:33:34.000 It keeps you fresh.

00:33:35.000 You have to constantly be hustling.

00:33:37.000 Totally.

00:33:38.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:33:38.000 That's why I say when I saw you the other night when you did that ATC show, you had that fucking no vagina bit. 1.00

00:33:47.000 It was just fucking good. 1.00

00:33:50.000 Thanks, man. 0.96

00:33:51.000 Because again, and that's another thing, it's like you grow up in San Francisco and you become, like you see guys coming through.

00:33:57.000 And I watched, I went to see everybody.

00:33:59.000 So I lived in between Cobbs and the Punchline.

00:34:02.000 And that's where I did, you know, Outliers, 10,000 Hours.

00:34:06.000 I walked to the Cobbs.

00:34:09.000 I did this for maybe 13 months straight almost every single night.

00:34:14.000 I walked to cops, then I'd walk to the punchline.

00:34:17.000 And I saw every single act.

00:34:19.000 I saw Damon Wayans, Carlos Mencia, Scott, you know, from the kids in the hall, what's his face, Scott Thompson.

00:34:25.000 Yeah.

00:34:26.000 Just anybody would come through, I'd go see.

00:34:28.000 I could see every single night.

00:34:29.000 And I watched the good ones, and I took something from everybody.

00:34:30.000 But then I started to watch people come through a second time and not change anything.

00:34:35.000 Yeah. 0.95

00:34:35.000 I stopped to watch features that were better than the headliner and the feature, you know, the conversation over in the corner and fucking just watching it all. 0.95

00:34:44.000 And again, you see what people are doing and how much work people put into this. 0.86

00:34:50.000 It's a tremendous amount of work.

00:34:52.000 But to do the bits also, and that's another thing, it's like San Francisco, they wouldn't put hacky comics up.

00:35:00.000 Right.

00:35:01.000 They wouldn't get to play there. 0.98

00:35:03.000 Sawyer wouldn't fucking work yet. 0.99

00:35:05.000 You just would. 0.99

00:35:06.000 For good reason.

00:35:07.000 Yeah.

00:35:07.000 I really appreciate that about him.

00:35:09.000 It's one of the reasons why I was willing to go back to his club so many times.

00:35:12.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:35:12.000 So, again, that's when you come to LA and you're like, what the fuck is going on? 0.99

00:35:17.000 There's some of that. 1.00

00:35:18.000 Like what we were talking about, we don't need to name any names with that one person who just memorizes a bunch of shit and says it fast. 0.99

00:35:23.000 And then you're like, okay, what are you doing? 1.00

00:35:26.000 You're ruining the night.

00:35:28.000 There's a lot of tricks.

00:35:29.000 Yeah.

00:35:29.000 Yeah, tricks.

00:35:30.000 You're saying a bunch of pop culture references and a bunch of shit, but there's no like... 0.82

00:35:36.000 It's so hard to be judgmental about someone else's craft or art, but there's times when you know whether someone or not is actually trying to work something out or whether they're trying to trick the audience. 0.92

00:35:48.000 Yeah.

00:35:48.000 So there's a bunch of stuff, you guys, that you can do to elicit laughter.

00:35:53.000 Yeah.

00:35:54.000 You can memorize a huge string. 0.81

00:35:56.000 It's called, yeah, it's a string where you can just fucking rattle some bunch off. 0.81

00:35:59.000 And you get done, and then they applaud. 0.96

00:36:00.000 Oh, my God, a big applause break.

00:36:04.000 Did you hear what I did?

00:36:05.000 Did I tell you what I did after that? 1.00

00:36:06.000 I'm fucking such an asshole sometimes. 0.99

00:36:08.000 I'm sorry. 1.00

00:36:09.000 I don't want to be like this, you guys. 0.93

00:36:11.000 I just want to read Jack Reacher on my deck and fucking chill out. 0.95

00:36:14.000 And I bought that FJ-62 Land Cruiser. 0.99

00:36:17.000 And I want to fucking just... 0.96

00:36:18.000 I want to get a little trailer behind that. 0.98

00:36:21.000 I want to go to Big Sur with my wife.

00:36:22.000 Just go chill out by the ocean.

00:36:24.000 Just chill out.

00:36:24.000 Yeah.

00:36:24.000 I want to be that guy.

00:36:26.000 But you're not.

00:36:27.000 But I'm not.

00:36:30.000 I'm not.

00:36:31.000 I really want to be...

00:36:32.000 Anyway, I followed that one comic we're talking about.

00:36:37.000 And I walked out and I go, how about it?

00:36:40.000 I go, name.

00:36:41.000 I go, what was that last applause break all about?

00:36:44.000 Did she offer to donate some money to charity?

00:36:49.000 No reason.

00:36:51.000 I shouldn't have done it. 1.00

00:36:52.000 You shouldn't talk shit. 1.00

00:36:54.000 The only time you should talk shit is when someone's doing something I mean, we've all been there before where you see someone go up and you go, okay, that's not even your act. 1.00

00:37:05.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:37:08.000 Less now than ever before.

00:37:10.000 Don't you think this is like the cleanest time for comedy as far as like...

00:37:14.000 You still hear little stories pop up here and there, but I think it's also now it's like subjective and there's a lot, there's so much stand-up.

00:37:22.000 I was thinking like I have this hour special coming out and This weekend on Showtime.

00:37:28.000 And I was talking to somebody about it. 0.91

00:37:31.000 And there's a special coming out like every fucking two days. 0.90

00:37:35.000 Yeah, they're not that special anymore. 0.95

00:37:36.000 They're not.

00:37:37.000 But it's a great time for content.

00:37:39.000 Like if you want to see comedy.

00:37:41.000 Like you go on Netflix or Showtime or CISO or any of these different providers.

00:37:46.000 Dude, CISO. That Stan Hope special.

00:37:50.000 And I watched the...

00:37:51.000 And mentioned this.

00:37:52.000 I go...

00:37:53.000 The Doug Stanhope special on CISO, if you have not seen this, I feel like it's one of the best things I've ever seen.

00:38:01.000 And I walked in to the comedy club and I saw Punchline for the very first time.

00:38:07.000 And I saw Arge Barker on stage kill.

00:38:11.000 He's a great comic. 1.00

00:38:12.000 He's just fucking murdered. 0.99

00:38:14.000 And I had the same feeling... 1.00

00:38:16.000 When I watched that Doug Stanhope special.

00:38:19.000 I haven't seen it.

00:38:20.000 I need to see it.

00:38:21.000 Oh my god.

00:38:22.000 The bits just... 0.96

00:38:23.000 Again, and it's like next level shit that I hope people can really appreciate the callbacks and the intricacies of this whole thing and the story and somebody who's working on something and saying something. 0.92

00:38:37.000 Well, Doug did two of them in his hometown. 0.97

00:38:39.000 He did them both in Bisbee, right?

00:38:42.000 Yeah, this is one that was shot in Bisbee by Hennigan.

00:38:48.000 I just love the fact that he's doing that.

00:38:49.000 We talked about it a couple of years ago.

00:38:51.000 It was, I can't work in my town. 0.99

00:38:53.000 I've got to fucking see these people at the Safeway. 1.00

00:38:56.000 And then apparently he just said, fuck it. 1.00

00:38:58.000 Why not? 1.00

00:38:59.000 Why can't I do it in my town?

00:39:00.000 And then eventually his town stopped being the town it was, and there's a bunch of people who move there because they know Doug lives there.

00:39:06.000 Oh, dude.

00:39:07.000 First of all, he's a real estate mogul.

00:39:10.000 Every house that comes up, they're all like $30,000.

00:39:12.000 He just buys it.

00:39:13.000 He's just buying houses.

00:39:15.000 So he owns like, I think he owns six or seven houses in town.

00:39:18.000 This is turning into a Jack Reacher novel where he's going to own the town. 1.00

00:39:23.000 Fuck, dude. 1.00

00:39:24.000 If I got divorced, I'd seriously consider moving there. 1.00

00:39:27.000 There's already a house I'm looking at.

00:39:28.000 It's a cave.

00:39:30.000 No way.

00:39:30.000 A house in a cave?

00:39:31.000 Yeah, it's built into a cave.

00:39:33.000 Oh, yeah.

00:39:34.000 Now I can't buy it because people know.

00:39:36.000 They show up at my door and, dude, let's do DMT. Let me in your cave. 0.56

00:39:40.000 But he...

00:39:41.000 So many people moved to...

00:39:43.000 He used to give out his address and say, come to my Super Bowl party. 0.99

00:39:46.000 So people would come from all over the world to his fucking Super Bowl party. 1.00

00:39:50.000 And it was ridiculous. 0.99

00:39:51.000 It'd be 500 people that he didn't know at his house for his Super Bowl party. 0.97

00:39:55.000 Crazy.

00:39:56.000 So he stopped doing that.

00:39:58.000 He rescinded that invitation.

00:39:59.000 That's what me and Bert were talking about is doing...

00:40:02.000 A thing called a caravan comedy tour.

00:40:05.000 And getting a bunch of RVs or trucks and trailers.

00:40:09.000 And just going.

00:40:10.000 A bunch of guys.

00:40:11.000 Because also it's like...

00:40:12.000 It's a special kind of comic.

00:40:14.000 And you're one of those comics.

00:40:16.000 It's like...

00:40:16.000 You have kids.

00:40:18.000 You have a family.

00:40:19.000 You have life.

00:40:19.000 You have stuff outside of stand-up.

00:40:21.000 You know?

00:40:22.000 It's like...

00:40:22.000 To get those guys together, and Bert is one of those, you know, where it's like you have a couple kids, and like get the kids and the wives.

00:40:29.000 It takes a lot to be a comedian wife. 0.95

00:40:31.000 Right.

00:40:32.000 And they all have that in common. 1.00

00:40:33.000 So I'm sure everyone will get along great, because they have to deal with fucking us. 0.99

00:40:38.000 And so the wives and the kids, everybody in an RV, and then we all go out and do shows. 0.99

00:40:44.000 And then everybody gets to go to the Grand Canyon the next day.

00:40:48.000 It's not a bad idea.

00:40:49.000 It's not a bad idea.

00:40:50.000 I'm in.

00:40:51.000 Let's do it.

00:40:51.000 I think Duncan, we talked about...

00:40:53.000 Duncan?

00:40:53.000 He doesn't have any kids.

00:40:54.000 I know, but...

00:40:55.000 He's got a dog.

00:40:55.000 He'll still be fun on the road.

00:40:57.000 They're looking at RVs.

00:40:57.000 Yeah, he'll be great on the road.

00:40:58.000 Yeah.

00:40:58.000 That's a great idea, man.

00:40:59.000 You know, I just wanted an excuse to buy one of those Airstreams.

00:41:02.000 Totally.

00:41:03.000 I just think they look badass.

00:41:04.000 You can pull it behind your FJ62. Oh, my God.

00:41:07.000 Yep.

00:41:08.000 Don't think I haven't been...

00:41:09.000 I got business cards.

00:41:10.000 I'm looking at...

00:41:11.000 There's a place called Off The Grid Rentals.

00:41:14.000 And just to test out.

00:41:16.000 But it's too small.

00:41:17.000 It's like this teardrop.

00:41:18.000 It's a 4x4 teardrop.

00:41:19.000 Yeah, I've seen those.

00:41:19.000 And you can put a rooftop tent on top and it has a ladder that goes up.

00:41:23.000 Yeah.

00:41:23.000 And then I could just have everybody...

00:41:24.000 I'm thinking I want a little bit more.

00:41:27.000 A real one.

00:41:28.000 Well, I've been going to...

00:41:29.000 The difference is Sportsmobile. 0.98

00:41:30.000 If you go to sportsmobile.com, which is fucking... 0.97

00:41:34.000 They've been doing it for a long time. 0.98

00:41:35.000 But you can get one of those Dodge Sprinter vans, a diesel, like, tricked out.

00:41:40.000 Oh.

00:41:41.000 Yeah.

00:41:41.000 And get that 4x4'd out and just go.

00:41:44.000 And then you can still Well, there's this company called, fuck, what is this company called?

00:41:49.000 There's an expedition vehicle that they take, and they take like a Ford F-250, and then they put this thing on top of the roof, like above the front cab. 0.88

00:42:00.000 It goes up and then back, and the whole thing. 0.99

00:42:03.000 It's got solar power and a generator, and you can live in those fucking things. 0.98

00:42:08.000 It's like there's the rock climber guys. 1.00

00:42:11.000 Look at that fucking thing. 1.00

00:42:12.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

00:42:14.000 Oh my god, I'm in love.

00:42:16.000 Isn't that awesome?

00:42:16.000 Look at a rooftop tent.

00:42:17.000 Yeah.

00:42:18.000 Well, they do that too.

00:42:19.000 They take vans, and there's a company called U-Joint Off-Road. 0.99

00:42:24.000 They take a van like that, they remove the natural suspension, or the suspension that comes with it, and put a full-on, dual, solid axle, four-wheel drive suspension set up in it, and you could just drive that motherfucker. 0.80

00:42:38.000 Go to sportsmobile.com and take a look at this now, because this is what they used to do, and they're still doing with some of these. 0.75

00:42:45.000 The vans will do this with Chevy vans.

00:42:48.000 Wow, that looks amazing.

00:42:49.000 But if you look at what they're doing with the Mercedes and the Dodge Sprinter, that's when it just goes up to a whole other level.

00:42:56.000 Their sight is downsized.

00:42:57.000 Oh, their sight's downsized?

00:42:58.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, but you can see some of them.

00:42:59.000 Yeah, look at it. 0.99

00:43:00.000 It's fucking... 0.99

00:43:01.000 I like. 1.00

00:43:02.000 I like.

00:43:03.000 I have those same ideas.

00:43:05.000 But I do go on these trips for hunting where I go out, you know, I'm in the woods five, six days at a time, and most of the time there's no cell phone service.

00:43:13.000 I just did Bourdain with the crew that you guys shot with in Montana.

00:43:20.000 Oh, yeah.

00:43:21.000 Yeah, what'd you do?

00:43:22.000 I did his, uh, no reservations.

00:43:25.000 Yeah.

00:43:25.000 Well, it's called, um...

00:43:26.000 What is it called now?

00:43:27.000 Parts Unknown?

00:43:28.000 Parts Unknown.

00:43:28.000 Yeah.

00:43:28.000 Where'd you go?

00:43:29.000 What'd you do with it?

00:43:30.000 It was Mexican food down on Oliveira Street.

00:43:32.000 Oh, nice.

00:43:33.000 Nice.

00:43:34.000 Yeah, we went bird hunting in Montana.

00:43:36.000 It was fun.

00:43:36.000 It was interesting.

00:43:37.000 That guy still goes hard.

00:43:39.000 Hard.

00:43:39.000 Like, wham!

00:43:40.000 Throwing them back.

00:43:41.000 We got so high.

00:43:42.000 I could feel the earth spinning.

00:43:44.000 Well, he had just come from...

00:43:45.000 He was super late.

00:43:46.000 I got drunk. 0.99

00:43:47.000 If you watch this, parts of note, I'm fucking wasted. 0.98

00:43:51.000 Because I really am. 0.95

00:43:53.000 People are like, why is El Madrigal's eyes closed?

00:43:56.000 I'm super drunk.

00:43:57.000 He was four hours late, and I just went to bars with that crew.

00:44:01.000 While we were waiting for him, because he got a tattoo.

00:44:04.000 And then he showed up super late, and then we ate taquitos.

00:44:07.000 And by the time we got there, I was just trashed.

00:44:10.000 I'm the biggest lightweight of all time.

00:44:12.000 It really is true.

00:44:13.000 I did a show with you at the Comedy Magic Club.

00:44:17.000 We walked around the corner and got baked with Red Band.

00:44:21.000 And then I went back in, and I had to apologize to your audience.

00:44:24.000 I go, I'm so happy.

00:44:27.000 I just don't understand. 0.87

00:44:29.000 I've been so busy I haven't been able to get baked like I used to and it just fucking snuck up on me. 0.99

00:44:34.000 I don't know what the fuck is going on. 0.97

00:44:36.000 We can sneak up on you easy today. 1.00

00:44:39.000 Yeah.

00:44:40.000 And people are productive. 1.00

00:44:41.000 Doug Benson is a productive motherfucker. 0.99

00:44:43.000 He gets a lot done. 1.00

00:44:45.000 I can't speak.

00:44:47.000 I'll just leave that there.

00:44:49.000 All right.

00:44:51.000 Yeah, I get it.

00:44:53.000 I mean, some people are much more comfortable like Joey.

00:44:55.000 Joey Diaz is constantly in that state.

00:44:57.000 I saw him...

00:44:59.000 I don't know if it was...

00:45:00.000 Who sent me a picture of it?

00:45:02.000 If it was...

00:45:02.000 Somebody showed me something that he was in.

00:45:04.000 One of those big gummy bears?

00:45:06.000 Dude.

00:45:07.000 That has 3,000...

00:45:09.000 Yeah, 3,000 milligrams.

00:45:10.000 Milligrams of THC in that thing.

00:45:13.000 And he'd like chomped the head off.

00:45:15.000 He does that all the time. 0.70

00:45:17.000 He stopped doing that, though, by the way.

00:45:18.000 Joey backed off the edibles.

00:45:20.000 Oh, really?

00:45:21.000 Yeah.

00:45:21.000 See, that's all I do.

00:45:23.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:45:24.000 I've been waking up.

00:45:25.000 I just went to the doctor.

00:45:26.000 I had a little bit of health scare, and this is two days ago, because I've been waking up in the middle of the night out of breath.

00:45:32.000 Ooh.

00:45:32.000 Yeah.

00:45:33.000 Oh, you probably have sleep apnea.

00:45:34.000 That, or I got a sleep study that's being done, and then they're saying I have anxiety.

00:45:40.000 We definitely have anxiety.

00:45:41.000 Yeah, a lot of it.

00:45:42.000 You ever thought about doing like yoga or anything?

00:45:44.000 I try to go to the gym.

00:45:46.000 I go to the gym like every morning, but I don't like I need to meditate and People have talked to me about Transcendental Meditation and stuff like that that I need to settle the fuck down Yeah, but you know that you have this thing and you're not doing anything.

00:46:00.000 I'm not doing anything about it and the doctor said that this is good that now you're finally being compelled to talk about it with somebody that this is a problem and you feel like you're angry at yourself for being so anxious.

00:46:13.000 Because if I go to the airport with my wife and kids, I can feel it.

00:46:19.000 Feel the anxiety?

00:46:20.000 I feel myself freaking the fuck out.

00:46:22.000 Out.

00:46:23.000 Wow.

00:46:23.000 What's the thought?

00:46:25.000 What are you worried about?

00:46:26.000 We gotta get through and everybody's slowing us down.

00:46:29.000 I go early.

00:46:30.000 I know.

00:46:31.000 That's what I started doing.

00:46:32.000 That's why I'm trying to prepare myself for this.

00:46:35.000 It's so huge. 0.99

00:46:35.000 Just leave an hour earlier than you need to and you don't worry about shit. 0.99

00:46:38.000 I give myself plenty of time. 0.98

00:46:39.000 And I still look at my wife and I'm like, And the last couple times, like, I'm doing pretty good.

00:46:43.000 I'm doing it.

00:46:45.000 I'm working on it.

00:46:46.000 That's weird.

00:46:47.000 It seems like maybe you were set up for this from, like, your early career.

00:46:50.000 Like, this, like, tension.

00:46:52.000 Yeah.

00:46:52.000 You know?

00:46:53.000 And then the desire for success, like, to be a successful comic is a lot of hustling, and there's a lot of, like, you gotta fucking, you gotta be on your point. 0.98

00:47:01.000 You gotta be on your game. 1.00

00:47:02.000 Can't fuck around. 1.00

00:47:03.000 Can't fuck around. 1.00

00:47:04.000 Yeah, go, go, go. 0.99

00:47:06.000 And now with ATC, again, I feel so much responsibility for all these comics.

00:47:12.000 We have 50 podcasts.

00:47:14.000 We have 50...

00:47:15.000 Trimmed that thing down for sure. 0.91

00:47:16.000 I tried.

00:47:17.000 That's another thing where you've got to make some tough calls.

00:47:19.000 I did.

00:47:20.000 20% at least, right?

00:47:22.000 Everybody is like... 0.99

00:47:23.000 Okay, here's a perfect fucking example. 0.99

00:47:27.000 Ian Edwards has a podcast called Soccer Comic. 0.99

00:47:30.000 I'm not going to...

00:47:31.000 I love Ian Edwards to death, right?

00:47:33.000 Yeah.

00:47:35.000 He's on that network. 1.00

00:47:35.000 I don't care if four people listen to that fucking show. 1.00

00:47:38.000 He's on that network. 1.00

00:47:39.000 I don't give a shit. 1.00

00:47:40.000 Yeah, I feel the same way. 0.99

00:47:41.000 And so I don't care about the numbers as much as I believe in the comics.

00:47:44.000 There's two comedians, Michael Kosta and Chris Fairbanks, that I want to start making TV. They're not on TV. Kosta's a funny dude, too.

00:47:52.000 Kosta's a funny motherfucker. 0.98

00:47:54.000 And I have a great story with Kosta. 0.99

00:47:58.000 This is how we met.

00:48:00.000 Me and Bill, Burr first comes to Comedy Store, sees me, we become friendly, then sees me on stage, did some bit about how my wife's half Korean, half Greek, and I go,

00:48:15.000 this Korean mother-in-law, and I don't do any jokes about her because then I'd be doing Margaret Cho's act in Who Wants That? 0.99

00:48:24.000 Shithead. 0.99

00:48:28.000 He loves it. 1.00

00:48:31.000 That's fucking hilarious. 0.98

00:48:33.000 That's a good point. 0.99

00:48:37.000 So, we go.

00:48:38.000 Now, I'm at the point in LA, you guys.

00:48:41.000 I'm doing spots.

00:48:42.000 I'm not doing anything else.

00:48:43.000 And so, I'm working on these TV shows as much as I can.

00:48:46.000 But when I'm not, I'm at the comedy store, two sets.

00:48:49.000 Then I go to the laugh factory.

00:48:50.000 Then I go to the improv.

00:48:51.000 I'm doing that triangle.

00:48:52.000 And I'm hitting them all. 1.00

00:48:53.000 And I'll hit the guy's house. 1.00

00:48:55.000 Like, I'm going everywhere. 0.51

00:48:56.000 I'm a guy who's doing like 12 sets a week.

00:48:59.000 And this is from 2004 until I get The Daily Show pretty much. 0.99

00:49:03.000 Like, this is a good solid six or seven years of just fucking going. 0.95

00:49:07.000 And then I go to the improv. 0.98

00:49:10.000 And Bill, again, knew.

00:49:13.000 I go, let's go to the improv. 0.99

00:49:14.000 Let's fucking go down there. 0.99

00:49:15.000 And so he jumps in my car. 0.99

00:49:16.000 We drive down the improv.

00:49:18.000 It's a show that they're doing.

00:49:20.000 Where they show a sketch comedy video and then they bring up a stand-up.

00:49:25.000 And then they show a sketch comedy video and a stand-up.

00:49:28.000 And Mike Costa is the host.

00:49:30.000 So I go up in between these sets and I look at them and I go, Hey, do you know if they're going to show another video or are they going to bring me up?

00:49:37.000 And then he responds.

00:49:38.000 I forget what he says.

00:49:39.000 But then he goes up on stage.

00:49:41.000 And he goes, Okay, this next comedian...

00:49:45.000 I guess it's Al Madrigai.

00:49:48.000 If you want me to pronounce your name right, you've got to come introduce yourself to me before the set.

00:49:52.000 I can't be expected to...

00:49:54.000 I don't know if it's a guy or a girl, and I'm on the side losing it. 1.00

00:49:59.000 And I go, fuck you! 1.00

00:50:01.000 And he goes, what? 1.00

00:50:02.000 And I go, you heard me. 1.00

00:50:03.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:50:04.000 This is a room full of, it's Asian night or something. 1.00

00:50:07.000 Like, there's all these Chinese people there.

00:50:08.000 And so I go, everybody turns.

00:50:10.000 And I go, you heard me. 1.00

00:50:12.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:50:13.000 I go, do your job. 1.00

00:50:14.000 I introduce myself to you. 1.00

00:50:15.000 Like, just get the fuck off stage. 1.00

00:50:17.000 Okay. 0.99

00:50:19.000 And I go, what the...

00:50:20.000 Because he's like, I don't know if it's a guy or a girl.

00:50:22.000 Who are you? 1.00

00:50:23.000 I go, dude, you're the fucking host. 1.00

00:50:26.000 Figure it out. 1.00

00:50:27.000 Right. 1.00

00:50:28.000 Asshole. 1.00

00:50:29.000 So I walk up and I proceed to just lay into him. 1.00

00:50:35.000 Just fucking 15 minutes are about, I don't know if it's a guy or a girl. 0.97

00:50:40.000 I go, you're the host. 1.00

00:50:41.000 You have one fucking job. 1.00

00:50:44.000 The deal, Bill's hunched over laughing on this side. 1.00

00:50:47.000 All the comics in the back are just, there's tables in the back are on the floor. 0.99

00:50:52.000 And it was a fucking Asian night. 1.00

00:50:55.000 This is the worst crowd I've ever fucking seen. 1.00

00:50:58.000 Just going crazy. 0.99

00:51:00.000 And I can't help it.

00:51:01.000 Again. 1.00

00:51:02.000 If anyone's listening, like, this guy's an asshole. 1.00

00:51:04.000 I don't want to be... 1.00

00:51:05.000 I don't want to do that.

00:51:07.000 Right.

00:51:07.000 It just came out.

00:51:08.000 It's compelled. 1.00

00:51:10.000 Uncontrollable fucking burst of fucking telling people to fuck off. 1.00

00:51:14.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:51:14.000 Asshole. 1.00

00:51:15.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:51:16.000 Cuntiness. 0.98

00:51:16.000 Yeah, right. 0.98

00:51:17.000 Yeah.

00:51:17.000 And...

00:51:19.000 I could've gone, I'm right here!

00:51:21.000 Sorry about that.

00:51:22.000 Right.

00:51:23.000 Magical!

00:51:23.000 My name's Magical.

00:51:24.000 My name's Magical.

00:51:24.000 No problem.

00:51:25.000 Right.

00:51:25.000 Just bring me up, yeah.

00:51:26.000 But that puts you in a bad position.

00:51:28.000 You go up there, like, sort of...

00:51:29.000 Yeah, like, they can't...

00:51:30.000 Submitting.

00:51:31.000 Yeah, so Willie Barsena had those stories about, like, head-butting somebody in the hallway because they brought up Charles Fleischer instead of him, you know?

00:51:39.000 Well, Willie's crazy.

00:51:40.000 Well, yeah, yeah. 0.79

00:51:41.000 That's a whole other thing. 1.00

00:51:43.000 Like, I think I told that story last time I was on this podcast, where I told him to fuck off. 1.00

00:51:49.000 And he's an East L.A. street fighter. 1.00

00:51:52.000 So, yeah, it doesn't matter. 1.00

00:51:55.000 When I see red, I fucking start telling everybody, fuck you. 1.00

00:51:58.000 Right. 1.00

00:51:58.000 So, anyway, me and Mike Costa, very good friends. 1.00

00:52:02.000 To this day, I came up.

00:52:04.000 I see the air in my ways right away, and I apologize.

00:52:08.000 I go, dude, I'm so sorry.

00:52:09.000 Yeah.

00:52:10.000 I can't control it.

00:52:11.000 I'm sorry. 0.99

00:52:12.000 I say crazy shit to people. 0.99

00:52:14.000 And so, again. 1.00

00:52:15.000 Well, you and I have never had a weirdness.

00:52:17.000 No.

00:52:17.000 We've never had a weird moment.

00:52:18.000 We're always cool.

00:52:19.000 It happens with very few people.

00:52:22.000 But when it doesn't...

00:52:22.000 When you feel slighted.

00:52:24.000 That's what it is.

00:52:25.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:52:25.000 I've never slighted you.

00:52:27.000 Zero.

00:52:27.000 And if, you know, no.

00:52:29.000 You haven't.

00:52:30.000 Yeah.

00:52:30.000 But, yeah, I don't know.

00:52:32.000 Again, I want to just fucking sit on a chair. 0.95

00:52:35.000 Yeah, I know that feeling, though. 0.99

00:52:35.000 There's a feeling, especially like the anxiety before you're performing, you're ready to go, and then you feel like someone's fucking with you, and you're like, oh, okay. 0.99

00:52:43.000 I've had that happen before, where a host will purposely say some dicky things about you, thinking they're going to chop down your set.

00:52:50.000 I've done the same thing.

00:52:51.000 I just go after them.

00:52:52.000 A hundred percent.

00:52:53.000 Totally.

00:52:53.000 Yeah.

00:52:55.000 Because Brendan Schaub told me his story.

00:52:57.000 Because, you know, he's a big guy.

00:53:03.000 He's new to stand-up.

00:53:04.000 He's new to stand-up. 0.99

00:53:05.000 And somebody went up on stage at the Improv and he said, who the fuck is that guy? 0.99

00:53:10.000 Like, you can't be that handsome. 1.00

00:53:12.000 And fucking started just tearing into him for being... 0.99

00:53:16.000 Being a fighter, too. 1.00

00:53:18.000 Yeah, this is not for you.

00:53:19.000 Yeah.

00:53:19.000 Well, that was Eric Griffin.

00:53:20.000 Was it?

00:53:21.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:53:21.000 He was just fucking around. 0.99

00:53:23.000 I mean, it was just like, that's what you say. 1.00

00:53:25.000 You know, the guy goes up and he does stand up and he's got this perfect haircut. 1.00

00:53:29.000 And you're like, hey, fuck you. 1.00

00:53:30.000 You know, Eric goes up with his spare tire around his waist and, you know, he's a big jolly guy. 1.00

00:53:35.000 Like, get the fuck out of here with this. 0.99

00:53:37.000 Fatty with glasses and a mustache. 0.99

00:53:38.000 I have the same thing.

00:53:39.000 He's got a great mustache, though.

00:53:41.000 He looks like he puts on the glasses and mustache together in one piece.

00:53:45.000 He does!

00:53:46.000 He does!

00:53:48.000 It's like, yeah.

00:53:49.000 But when he was doing that, I was trying to tell Brendan, I go, dude, that's what we do.

00:53:52.000 I go, you gotta understand that. 0.99

00:53:54.000 Like, you go up, you do your set, the guy's gonna shit on you. 0.99

00:53:56.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

00:53:57.000 That's like, I would've shit on you too, probably. 0.99

00:53:59.000 Especially New York, same thing. 0.99

00:54:01.000 Oh, more.

00:54:02.000 Way more. 0.90

00:54:02.000 In New York, if you don't do two or three minutes of what's going on in the room and what just happened, you're gonna have a shitty set. 0.90

00:54:11.000 Like, that's what I learned right away.

00:54:13.000 You had to be like...

00:54:14.000 You know, start if I can hold everyone's attention and just start launching into material.

00:54:19.000 Yeah.

00:54:20.000 To comment on what's happening.

00:54:22.000 Well, you know what that is from?

00:54:23.000 I noticed that, too, when I lived in New York.

00:54:25.000 I was like, it's because the crowds are small and the stage is small.

00:54:28.000 It's a way more intimate experience.

00:54:30.000 It's like the belly room. 0.88

00:54:32.000 You know, the belly room is a totally different experience than the OR, which is a totally different experience than the main room.

00:54:37.000 It's one of the beautiful things about doing the hat trick at the comedy store.

00:54:40.000 If you do all three rooms in a night, you get to feel the different, like, the belly room is so much more intimate and so much more intense because there's only 70 people in the room.

00:54:49.000 And they're jammed in there.

00:54:50.000 And they're right in front of you.

00:54:51.000 And that's like a New York room.

00:54:52.000 So I'm doing that show on Showtime about stand-up comedy.

00:54:57.000 I'm dying up here.

00:54:58.000 You get to meet that guy in the back that's helping me.

00:55:02.000 He's making that show.

00:55:04.000 And we were talking about The Belly Room and interviewing people about that just to figure it out.

00:55:08.000 And that used to be...

00:55:09.000 It was called The Belly Room because it was for women. 1.00

00:55:13.000 And then, like a pregnant woman, you know? 1.00

00:55:15.000 Like a womb. 0.59

00:55:16.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:55:17.000 That's like Mitzi literally thought of it as a comedy womb.

00:55:20.000 Yep.

00:55:20.000 Yeah.

00:55:21.000 And then they used to put overflow.

00:55:23.000 So if Richard Pryor or somebody huge was in the main room, they put all the overflow up in the belly room.

00:55:28.000 And then a comic would be on stage, and they'd come in, if like a table opened up, they'd go, mid-act.

00:55:35.000 Thompson, party of four.

00:55:38.000 Like, you're doing stand-up on stage, you know, a waitress would come in and go, the Thompson's here, and then the Thompson's are sitting in the front, and they just get up and walk out.

00:55:46.000 And go to see Richard Pryor in the main room.

00:55:48.000 Yeah, totally.

00:55:48.000 Wow.

00:55:49.000 So that place, you know, and then I work on that with Eric Griffin.

00:55:53.000 So I didn't really know him that well before, and hilarious. 0.99

00:55:58.000 Just fucking fucks with people non-stop. 1.00

00:56:01.000 So of course he was the guy that said that shit. 1.00

00:56:03.000 Of course. 1.00

00:56:03.000 But he's a great dude. 1.00

00:56:04.000 He's a nice guy. 1.00

00:56:05.000 He's not doing it because he's an asshole. 1.00

00:56:07.000 He's just being silly. 1.00

00:56:07.000 And that's what I was trying to tell Brendan. 1.00

00:56:09.000 He's like, you went at me hard, bro.

00:56:10.000 And I'm like, that's what we do.

00:56:13.000 Like, Brendan's new to this whole world, you know, because he started out doing podcasts.

00:56:17.000 He's a funny guy.

00:56:18.000 And then he started doing these live podcasts with Callan.

00:56:21.000 And they would do...

00:56:22.000 Sort of like a little sketch routine, like a comedy routine, and then he would do a few minutes on his own, just doing kind of stand-up, like telling his story.

00:56:32.000 And he's funny.

00:56:32.000 He has some funny ideas.

00:56:34.000 So now he's doing sets, like on a regular basis.

00:56:37.000 And then he's doing sets in front of people who don't know him, which is the right way to do it.

00:56:42.000 Totally.

00:56:42.000 One of the bad things that people do is they only do their own crowd over and over and over again.

00:56:47.000 Not smart. 0.99

00:56:47.000 You gotta go out and do those shows that I was saying, like, when you start doing stand-up comedy, you invite all your friends out, and it takes you three sets to figure out, oh, shit, I better stop inviting my friends out. 0.99

00:56:59.000 Yeah. 0.94

00:57:00.000 Just do it.

00:57:01.000 Well, not only that, but if you invite your friends out, and they're a significant part of the audience, they've already seen your jokes.

00:57:06.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:57:07.000 It goes bad right away.

00:57:08.000 And you're like, oh, I want to make strangers laugh.

00:57:10.000 I want to make a complete stranger's life.

00:57:12.000 And if I can do that, it just makes you a better comic. 0.99

00:57:15.000 I got a bunch of shit, and we were talking about this before. 0.99

00:57:17.000 I got a bunch of shit for fucking heckling Steve-O. Did you heckle him in the audience? 1.00

00:57:23.000 At the improv.

00:57:23.000 I was on stage.

00:57:24.000 I told a story.

00:57:25.000 I said, again, I don't want to be this guy.

00:57:29.000 I really don't.

00:57:30.000 You don't understand.

00:57:31.000 It is a problem, and I'm trying to...

00:57:33.000 I'm going to go to a cognitive behavioral...

00:57:36.000 That's what the doctor prescribed me. 0.99

00:57:37.000 He's a cognitive behavioral specialist that's going to stop me from doing shit like this. 0.99

00:57:41.000 Really? 0.99

00:57:42.000 Yeah.

00:57:42.000 But I said...

00:57:44.000 I don't feel that bad about this.

00:57:47.000 I said...

00:57:48.000 He was in the audience, and I said...

00:57:51.000 I go, I don't want to care about stand-up this much.

00:57:55.000 I really don't.

00:57:55.000 I'm so passionate about this.

00:57:57.000 You guys don't fucking understand. 0.99

00:57:58.000 Like, so-and-so stole this joke and stole that joke. 0.99

00:58:02.000 And I go, I just got to come to grips with the fact that what I feel like is my life's calling is somebody else's last resort. 0.58

00:58:10.000 And then, because I talk about like Dustin Diamond does stand-up, I go fucking, you know, Skippy from Family Times does stand-up, like, and then...

00:58:20.000 People don't even know what that is anymore. 0.86

00:58:21.000 I know.

00:58:21.000 Does he still do it?

00:58:23.000 Skippy?

00:58:23.000 Yeah.

00:58:24.000 I think so.

00:58:25.000 Dustin Diamond was in jail.

00:58:27.000 Oh, he stabbed somebody.

00:58:28.000 Yeah.

00:58:29.000 Well, Skippy was doing stand-up, like, when Family Ties sort of ended, he was doing stand-up...

00:58:38.000 When I was an open-miker, I was just starting out, and he was headlining these places, and he had this big smile, Skippy from Family Ties, and he just would go on the road.

00:58:48.000 But I never heard from him again.

00:58:50.000 Yeah, I don't want to hear what that guy's doing.

00:58:52.000 At some point, the audience just goes away, and then people stop booking you, and then you have to go away, I guess.

00:58:58.000 What do you do?

00:58:59.000 I don't know.

00:59:00.000 I guess, hopefully you invested your money properly, and then you bought some real estate.

00:59:05.000 Skippy?

00:59:06.000 Skippy's just a real estate baron.

00:59:07.000 You know who talks me down and has...

00:59:09.000 Callan has talked me down a couple times.

00:59:12.000 He's like, no, just relax.

00:59:13.000 He's a nice guy.

00:59:14.000 Don't worry about it.

00:59:14.000 Yeah, Callan's a calm guy.

00:59:15.000 Yeah.

00:59:16.000 But you know, the thing is, like, it is your life calling, and for some people it isn't.

00:59:20.000 Some people it's like something that came along after they had been doing a bunch of other stuff.

00:59:24.000 But that's okay.

00:59:25.000 Yeah, whatever.

00:59:26.000 Who cares?

00:59:27.000 There's an audience for everybody here.

00:59:28.000 A lot of people will say, like, that guy's not really a comic.

00:59:31.000 Like, if you're doing stand-up, you're a comic.

00:59:33.000 And although most of them don't ever become comics you respect, it's not like it's outside the realm of possibility.

00:59:39.000 If you could do it or I could do it, how come they can't do it?

00:59:42.000 Somebody said this about Caratomp. 1.00

00:59:44.000 Like, that fucker carried around, say what you will, but that fucker carried around that bag for a long fucking time. 1.00

00:59:50.000 Not only that, he monopolized that genre. 1.00

00:59:54.000 That was a legit genre when we started out.

00:59:56.000 Yep.

00:59:56.000 You remember?

00:59:56.000 There were prop comics.

00:59:58.000 I mean, buddies with Rusty Dooley.

01:00:01.000 Rusty Dooley was a prop comic.

01:00:04.000 But there's no prop comics anymore. 0.99

01:00:06.000 There's fucking Carrot Top. 0.99

01:00:07.000 He killed the genre. 1.00

01:00:08.000 Wow.

01:00:09.000 Dude, when I first started in 88, you would have a prop comic on every other show.

01:00:16.000 Three or four shows, you do three or four shows, one of those shows would have a prop comic on it.

01:00:21.000 Now they don't exist anymore.

01:00:23.000 So I really feel like in this I'm Dying Up Here, we did a good job of bringing all that stuff back.

01:00:28.000 And this is set in 1973, but we got Ventriloquist.

01:00:33.000 I can't wait for you to see this show.

01:00:35.000 That's another thing.

01:00:35.000 There's no more Ventriloquist.

01:00:36.000 Who killed that?

01:00:39.000 Probably, well, Jeff Dunham.

01:00:40.000 Yes, that's who it was.

01:00:41.000 He owns it.

01:00:42.000 He owns it.

01:00:43.000 He owns it.

01:00:44.000 And then there was...

01:00:45.000 You saw Otto and George, right?

01:00:46.000 Oh, I worked with Otto.

01:00:47.000 No way.

01:00:48.000 Many times.

01:00:49.000 We did prom shows together in New York.

01:00:50.000 Oh, my God.

01:00:51.000 At Dangerfields.

01:00:52.000 If people don't know what Otto and George is, maybe you can explain since you worked with them, because I only saw them. 0.99

01:00:56.000 The puppet would say, the most vicious, vile, racist shit, and then he would go, I can't believe you're saying that. 1.00

01:01:04.000 And he'd go, cunt! 1.00

01:01:05.000 Hey, look at this fucking lady's a cunt! 1.00

01:01:07.000 Hey, cunt! 1.00

01:01:08.000 Hey, cunt! 1.00

01:01:09.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:01:09.000 Just walk an entire room. 1.00

01:01:11.000 He would say, ruthless, ruthless shit. 1.00

01:01:14.000 He was a great guy, too. 1.00

01:01:16.000 Dead.

01:01:17.000 Yeah, he died.

01:01:18.000 And Sawyer had him in that small room, and we watched tourist after tourist walk away, and Tom Sawyer looked at me and the rest of the comics, again, or just hunched over on the floor, and he goes...

01:01:30.000 I'm losing money this weekend, guys, but this is for us.

01:01:33.000 Yeah, that's great. 0.97

01:01:35.000 Well, his act was ridiculous. 0.93

01:01:37.000 We did Jersey Shore shows for this guy Bob Gonzo. 0.78

01:01:42.000 I did a lot of shows with Otto. 0.99

01:01:44.000 He'd go looking for whores and crack. 1.00

01:01:47.000 Oh, he would go off. 1.00

01:01:48.000 Yeah, he would get crazy.

01:01:50.000 He would get crazy.

01:01:51.000 Yeah, but they're saying, so we have a ventriloquist in the show.

01:01:55.000 It's like the petty fights. 0.99

01:01:57.000 I get to write on it, so I get to incorporate all my fucking weirdness in there. 1.00

01:02:01.000 It's like petty bullshit, bad intro, fuck you. 1.00

01:02:06.000 Oh, that's nice. 1.00

01:02:07.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.91

01:02:08.000 Well, you also got 1970s wardrobe and hair, which is fucking badass. 0.69

01:02:12.000 I saw some photos of it. 0.53

01:02:14.000 My daughter walked up to me and on set didn't say anything about my hair.

01:02:18.000 I'm rocking the biggest mustache for you.

01:02:20.000 I'll post a picture.

01:02:21.000 I'm just rocking the biggest.

01:02:22.000 I think it's online.

01:02:23.000 Jamie could probably find it.

01:02:25.000 Huge, real mustache, big sideburns that are mine, and then this wig.

01:02:30.000 My daughter walks up and she goes, um, why are you wearing a towel? 1.00

01:02:35.000 It's a Terry Clough shirt.

01:02:39.000 That towel's the thing that bothered her.

01:02:41.000 Why is your shirt made out of a towel?

01:02:42.000 I don't understand.

01:02:45.000 This is like kids growing up.

01:02:47.000 How are your kids growing up with like, do they know stand-up comic dad?

01:02:51.000 They're figuring it out.

01:02:52.000 Yeah.

01:02:53.000 I brought my, living in New York, practicing for a Comedy Central special that I don't think one person saw.

01:03:02.000 Was it an hour or half?

01:03:03.000 Hour.

01:03:04.000 Hour.

01:03:04.000 When did you do it?

01:03:05.000 I did it in 2014, 2013. So something they gave you once you started doing the Daily Show?

01:03:10.000 Daily Show special came out.

01:03:12.000 How many times did you hear it?

01:03:13.000 Why is the rabbit crying?

01:03:14.000 Twice. 0.99

01:03:14.000 Just fucking midnight on a Friday. 0.99

01:03:16.000 Those motherfuckers. 1.00

01:03:17.000 Yep. 1.00

01:03:18.000 You burn a special with them.

01:03:19.000 Yeah.

01:03:20.000 Yeah, it's a problem.

01:03:21.000 Well, you know what?

01:03:22.000 And then they're like, but you can catch it online at ComedyCentral.com.

01:03:25.000 Nobody can.

01:03:25.000 Nobody's going there.

01:03:26.000 No one is going there.

01:03:27.000 It's not happening.

01:03:27.000 You know what I want them to do?

01:03:29.000 Sell them to Netflix.

01:03:30.000 Sell them to Netflix or...

01:03:32.000 Have a billboard.

01:03:33.000 Really have a campaign that says Dave Attell, Jim Gaffigan, Joe Rog- like all these names of just every comic that you love and watch.

01:03:42.000 All available here.

01:03:43.000 Two dollars.

01:03:45.000 Right.

01:03:45.000 Like you know what or something like- But they're not gonna do that because no one's gonna do it.

01:03:48.000 They're not- like you have to have something on a platform that people already use.

01:03:51.000 Sell them all to see so.

01:03:52.000 You have Amazon, you have Netflix, and you have like Apple.

01:03:56.000 That's it.

01:03:57.000 Yeah.

01:03:57.000 No one else is going anywhere else.

01:03:58.000 Yeah.

01:03:59.000 It's just not gonna happen.

01:04:00.000 Yeah.

01:04:00.000 It's too easy to do those things.

01:04:01.000 So anyway, I just burned that special.

01:04:04.000 Anyway, so I'm practicing for that.

01:04:06.000 I go up to Rochester, New York, bring my wife and kids with me.

01:04:12.000 We stay in a Holiday Inn and Suites.

01:04:15.000 And this is a six-year-old little girl goes over to the curtains, opens them up, and she goes, um, why am I looking at the parking lot?

01:04:24.000 And I go, everybody gather around.

01:04:27.000 This is the road!

01:04:29.000 Okay?

01:04:29.000 Yeah, that's what I do.

01:04:30.000 This is what daddy does.

01:04:31.000 You think I'm having a great time?

01:04:34.000 Flying around?

01:04:35.000 It's depressing.

01:04:35.000 It really gets sad.

01:04:36.000 We're going to fight a businessman for a waffle tomorrow morning. 0.99

01:04:40.000 Everybody shut up. 0.51

01:04:43.000 Those Rochester road gigs are rough. 0.66

01:04:45.000 Like those spots where people don't necessarily want to go.

01:04:47.000 Albany, Rochester.

01:04:49.000 Woof.

01:04:50.000 Woof.

01:04:50.000 Yeah, it was a bar.

01:04:52.000 It was attached to a country western bar called Daisy Dukes.

01:04:57.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:04:58.000 Yeah, look that up. 0.99

01:04:59.000 It's fucking brutal. 0.98

01:05:01.000 There was a place in Youngstown, Ohio that I did that was attached to a disco and there was a back door. 0.99

01:05:07.000 And every time the back door would open up, like when people would go to the bathroom and hear...

01:05:15.000 And the door would slowly close.

01:05:20.000 Okay, so...

01:05:22.000 It was rough.

01:05:23.000 I did this place, Laughs, in Kirkland.

01:05:26.000 Washington?

01:05:27.000 Washington.

01:05:27.000 And I go there, and I'm doing this...

01:05:30.000 Again, if you watch these, these are like longer stories, tangents, characters, shit like that for the most part. 0.93

01:05:36.000 Like, my closer is 25 minutes long. 0.98

01:05:40.000 Jesus.

01:05:40.000 In this special.

01:05:41.000 It starts with this...

01:05:42.000 This is the 2014 special?

01:05:43.000 No, this is the one I'm doing right now that comes out this weekend.

01:05:45.000 Oh, the one that comes out this weekend?

01:05:46.000 20 minutes long.

01:05:47.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:05:48.000 So it's this big, long fucking bit that I've been working on forever about revenge and my anger and fucking... 0.99

01:05:53.000 I did seafood revenge. 0.99

01:05:55.000 I shrimped the place.

01:05:56.000 That's why it's called shrimping and easy.

01:05:58.000 Okay. 0.99

01:05:58.000 So I'm a fucking just mess. 0.99

01:06:03.000 And I forgot. 0.98

01:06:05.000 I just got off track. 0.99

01:06:06.000 I forgot what I was fucking talking about. 0.98

01:06:07.000 The road, opening up the parking lot, fighting someone over a waffle, Kirkland, Washington. 0.99

01:06:13.000 Kirkland.

01:06:13.000 So I'm at Kirkland in the middle of a big, long story.

01:06:17.000 And they bring out these trays that have neon lights around them with jello shots on them.

01:06:24.000 And everybody in the entire audience looks at these trays.

01:06:27.000 They look like UFOs.

01:06:29.000 They got Jell-O shots on them.

01:06:31.000 And I go, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to interrupt this crafted bit that took me five years to master to bring you Jell-O shots!

01:06:41.000 Who wants a Jell-O shot?

01:06:42.000 Let's everybody do Jell-O shots, ladies and gentlemen. 1.00

01:06:44.000 Jell-O shot time! 1.00

01:06:45.000 And I just started fucking selling the shit out of Jell-O shots as a bit because I'm like, this guy fucked up. 0.99

01:06:52.000 I need everyone concentrating. 0.99

01:06:54.000 Who was bringing out the jello shots?

01:06:55.000 The owner and the waitresses are bringing out these trays.

01:06:58.000 Did they tell you they were going to do this?

01:06:59.000 Nope.

01:07:00.000 Just UFO trays of jello shots.

01:07:01.000 This is at a comedy club?

01:07:02.000 At a comedy club.

01:07:03.000 Lose every single person in the audience.

01:07:05.000 This is a standard thing they do?

01:07:06.000 I guess so.

01:07:07.000 I just went with it.

01:07:08.000 Is it like what they do at the end of the night to wrap up?

01:07:10.000 This is the big push at the end of the night.

01:07:12.000 We're going to get some extra dollars in our coffers.

01:07:15.000 I can't believe it was happening.

01:07:16.000 I was shocked at the time. 0.99

01:07:17.000 And then the owner comes up like I was serious and he goes, holy shit. 0.99

01:07:21.000 He goes, we sold out of Jell-O shots. 0.99

01:07:23.000 You were amazing.

01:07:24.000 That was unbelievable.

01:07:26.000 And then I walk in the next night.

01:07:28.000 He's got more Jell-O shots.

01:07:29.000 I mean, the kitchen is filled with them.

01:07:31.000 And those Jell-O shots come out and I don't say a thing.

01:07:38.000 Hey, I thought we were in business with selling jello shots together.

01:07:41.000 We had a good thing going on.

01:07:43.000 I don't know if you know this.

01:07:44.000 He goes, you didn't mention the jello shots.

01:07:47.000 What are you doing?

01:07:48.000 I go, yeah. 1.00

01:07:50.000 I don't know if you can tell, but I really hate the fucking jello shots. 0.99

01:07:54.000 Like, I go, it was just, it's horrible. 1.00

01:07:57.000 You should not be selling them.

01:07:58.000 I don't know, it's a huge distraction.

01:08:00.000 What did he say?

01:08:01.000 And it was just to teach you a lesson.

01:08:03.000 Whoa.

01:08:04.000 Did he sell any jello shots?

01:08:05.000 No.

01:08:05.000 When you weren't pushing them?

01:08:07.000 Nope.

01:08:07.000 Zero.

01:08:07.000 None.

01:08:08.000 So he just had a huge, like, he had...

01:08:09.000 Whoa.

01:08:10.000 You should have probably explained that to him on the first night, and then he would have got it.

01:08:14.000 But he probably still would have sold him anyway. 1.00

01:08:16.000 Fuck you, I made money. 1.00

01:08:17.000 Fuck you, I made money. 1.00

01:08:18.000 And he was a nice guy, and it was just... 1.00

01:08:20.000 I don't know, man.

01:08:22.000 I can't...

01:08:23.000 It's hard for me to do, and...

01:08:26.000 Again, if you have people coming out that know you and you're going out to see something and you collectively are a group of people that love an individual comic, it's a great place to be.

01:08:38.000 But again, if you're up there winning over 60% of the audience, it's not good.

01:08:45.000 I'd rather just go hang out at the store.

01:08:47.000 Well, it's good to do the road, though, because, like, you can...

01:08:50.000 I think, like, every time you do a set in a new place, you get a new experience, a new vibe, a new feel, new crowds, new...

01:08:58.000 And I think places also have, like, a different personality.

01:09:01.000 Like, I feel like Portland, Oregon has a different personality than a lot of places.

01:09:06.000 Like, you go up to Portland, it feels different.

01:09:08.000 The audience feels different.

01:09:09.000 And then you go to Austin, Texas.

01:09:11.000 Different feeling.

01:09:12.000 Like, a little lighter there.

01:09:14.000 A little lighter.

01:09:15.000 A little more fun. 0.98

01:09:16.000 A little more silly. 0.90

01:09:17.000 I like doing shows in Canada. 0.95

01:09:18.000 I do too. 0.97

01:09:19.000 In Toronto, one of the best sets I've ever had in my entire fucking life. 0.95

01:09:22.000 Toronto, Vancouver is fun for me to go to. 0.98

01:09:25.000 Canadians are just great audiences.

01:09:27.000 I don't know what it is.

01:09:28.000 It's loose.

01:09:29.000 They're not uptight about anything. 0.95

01:09:31.000 20% less douchebags. 0.92

01:09:33.000 Really? 0.97

01:09:33.000 Yeah, that's my theory about Canada. 0.97

01:09:35.000 They have 20% less douchebags than us. 0.90

01:09:37.000 It must be what it is.

01:09:38.000 There's always douchebags. 1.00

01:09:39.000 Yeah.

01:09:40.000 But they have 20% less.

01:09:41.000 I was in that Vancouver comedy club.

01:09:44.000 Mix?

01:09:45.000 Comedy Mix, yeah.

01:09:45.000 Great spot.

01:09:46.000 Awesome spot.

01:09:47.000 You go right to your hotel.

01:09:49.000 It's in the hotel.

01:09:50.000 It's perfect.

01:09:51.000 You go down to the bottom floor, walk right into the club.

01:09:53.000 All clubs underground.

01:09:54.000 Comedy Works, DC Improv.

01:09:56.000 If you have that old Cobbs that we talked about.

01:09:59.000 Just all these great places.

01:10:01.000 Yep.

01:10:01.000 Just underground comedy club.

01:10:03.000 There's something about it.

01:10:04.000 It's just fun.

01:10:05.000 Anyway, so I think there's three guys in the front row.

01:10:11.000 And I look at them, and they keep going around the bathroom.

01:10:13.000 I'm like, you guys are doing coke, huh?

01:10:15.000 And they're like, yeah, we're doing coke!

01:10:17.000 And I'm like, I look at the bouncer, and I'm like, these guys are clearly doing coke!

01:10:22.000 Like that, no one, you shot them in the front row?

01:10:24.000 And then he goes, well, they paid...

01:10:26.000 To sit in the front row.

01:10:28.000 Yeah.

01:10:28.000 They got coke money.

01:10:29.000 They got coke money!

01:10:31.000 Well, Vancouver's a big Coke town.

01:10:33.000 Really?

01:10:33.000 Yeah, it's a big weed town, but it's also a big Coke town.

01:10:37.000 That was one of the points where I... It's Sunday night after that set, and I go after that weekend.

01:10:44.000 It's the last...

01:10:45.000 I'm hanging out with this great comic up there, Graham Clark.

01:10:49.000 And bearded guy looks like the young Santa Claus, like all, you know, Vancouver comics.

01:10:55.000 And we go and we're having drinks at a bar nearby.

01:10:58.000 And these two girls send over these two shots of Jack Daniels. 1.00

01:11:05.000 And he's not an attractive fella.

01:11:09.000 I'm no Brenton Chobb.

01:11:11.000 And so we go, what?

01:11:13.000 Really?

01:11:14.000 And they look over our shoulders.

01:11:15.000 Is this for us?

01:11:17.000 And I go, okay.

01:11:18.000 They must have been at the show.

01:11:19.000 That's what must have been at the show.

01:11:21.000 They weren't at the show.

01:11:22.000 Hmm.

01:11:22.000 Weird.

01:11:23.000 There's a lot of chicks in that town. 1.00

01:11:25.000 Maybe they wanted your liver. 1.00

01:11:26.000 Yeah, that's what I was thinking. 1.00

01:11:27.000 I immediately go to fucking me in the bathtub. 1.00

01:11:30.000 Right. 1.00

01:11:30.000 Fucking with no organs. 1.00

01:11:31.000 Wake up, ice is on you. 1.00

01:11:32.000 Totally.

01:11:33.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:11:34.000 I'm very suspicious.

01:11:35.000 Right.

01:11:36.000 Rocking a wedding ring.

01:11:37.000 Right.

01:11:37.000 Exactly.

01:11:38.000 Not people's sexiest man alive.

01:11:41.000 You know, my wife is very attractive. 1.00

01:11:44.000 But...

01:11:45.000 It is what it is.

01:11:46.000 I'm not pulling any chicks after shows.

01:11:49.000 And I'm no, you know, Brian Callen's outgoing, nice guy.

01:11:53.000 You're not.

01:11:54.000 I'm not Brian Callen.

01:11:55.000 So why is this, why are they?

01:11:56.000 I don't know.

01:11:56.000 So then they come over.

01:11:58.000 And this is, I've never felt so bad about, like, these two chicks, they're hot. 1.00

01:12:05.000 And I immediately go to, we're going to die. 1.00

01:12:07.000 Like, they're trying to drug us and take some shit. 1.00

01:12:09.000 And then, because I can't offer any explanation for it. 0.99

01:12:13.000 And neither can Graham.

01:12:14.000 And so we send them back shots.

01:12:16.000 And we don't go over there.

01:12:17.000 We're just like, okay, it's even now.

01:12:19.000 And then they come join us at a table.

01:12:22.000 And then the one girl starts talking to us.

01:12:24.000 We're like, were you guys at the show?

01:12:25.000 And they're like, what show?

01:12:26.000 And then I go, we're chit-chatting.

01:12:29.000 And the one girl goes, she goes, I really want to go to strip clubs right now. 1.00

01:12:34.000 And I was like, fucking, this is like a fucking fantasy for me to fucking go to strip clubs with these hot chicks. 1.00

01:12:40.000 And Graham looks at me and I go, well, I got a flight to catch and I guess I'll just see you guys later. 1.00

01:12:49.000 And I just, we fucking walked away. 0.88

01:12:52.000 And that's never happened. 0.97

01:12:54.000 This happened in Vancouver.

01:12:56.000 You walk around that city and there's this place called the Cactus Club.

01:13:00.000 Have you been there?

01:13:01.000 No.

01:13:02.000 Oh my God.

01:13:03.000 What is it?

01:13:03.000 They cast with headshots.

01:13:06.000 They staff their whole place with headshots.

01:13:08.000 Really?

01:13:09.000 It's the most gorgeous women you've ever seen in your entire life working at a place. 0.99

01:13:12.000 The Cactus Club.

01:13:13.000 The Cactus Club.

01:13:14.000 Why do they call it the Cactus Club?

01:13:15.000 I don't know where they came up with their name.

01:13:17.000 A lot of pricks?

01:13:17.000 Yeah.

01:13:18.000 So, yeah, it's a lot of just hot chicks, and that's what I saw in Vancouver. 1.00

01:13:23.000 It was just talking hot chicks. 1.00

01:13:25.000 I think prostitution is legal, right? 0.99

01:13:29.000 Oh, so do you think they were prostitutes? 0.99

01:13:30.000 They might have been prostitutes. 1.00

01:13:34.000 So they got you drinks thinking to get these guys intoxicated. 0.98

01:13:38.000 Look at him.

01:13:38.000 He's got glasses on.

01:13:39.000 He looks like an executive or something. 1.00

01:13:42.000 He's got some whore money. 1.00

01:13:43.000 Yeah, he's got a little... 1.00

01:13:45.000 Whore stash. 1.00

01:13:46.000 Speaking of whores, I just went to the Beverly Wilshire Hotel. 1.00

01:13:51.000 Where's that? 1.00

01:13:52.000 I did a private gig.

01:13:53.000 It's on the end of Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills.

01:13:57.000 Okay.

01:13:57.000 And then it's on Wilshire and it hits.

01:13:59.000 And it's an old hotel and me and Tom Papa did a charity gig on Monday night.

01:14:05.000 Yeah.

01:14:23.000 Well, there's that crazy Beverly Hills money.

01:14:26.000 You know, just the other day I was looking at real estate in Beverly Hills for a goof.

01:14:30.000 You ever look at like the Redfin app?

01:14:31.000 Oh, I love that.

01:14:32.000 I love to do that every now and then.

01:14:34.000 Me too.

01:14:34.000 If I was going to move to Beverly Hills, let's see what I could afford.

01:14:37.000 Nothing!

01:14:38.000 I could afford nothing!

01:14:39.000 It's all like $17 million house?

01:14:42.000 85 million, 100 million, 200 million.

01:14:46.000 Dude, that's exactly who's buying it.

01:14:49.000 Well, I went to dinner with my wife and one of her friends, her friend's husband, and we went in Beverly Hills, and this guy pulled up in a million dollar car.

01:14:59.000 He had a Bugatti Veyron.

01:15:01.000 It's a million dollar car, and it has Saudi Arabian license plates on it.

01:15:05.000 Gold plated.

01:15:06.000 Which is totally illegal.

01:15:08.000 It's totally illegal to have Saudi Arabian license plates.

01:15:10.000 Like, they're taking these cars.

01:15:11.000 They either fly them over or they put them on a boat.

01:15:14.000 They have them registered in Saudi Arabia.

01:15:16.000 They bring them to America, and they drive around with these plates on it.

01:15:20.000 They had palace plates. 1.00

01:15:22.000 Like, it said, like, palace on the fucking plate. 1.00

01:15:25.000 And cops don't fuck with those guys because they're foreign dignitaries. 1.00

01:15:28.000 Well, because there's so much money. 0.99

01:15:29.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:15:30.000 Like, you remember that one guy that was like some sort of a foreign dignitary guy and he was banging his maids or like forcing him to suck his dick or something like that and they called the cops on him and they arrested him and then, you know, they were gonna process him and, you know, charge him with rape and he just fucking hopped in a private jet and flew out of the country. 0.99

01:15:47.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:15:47.000 And they were saying, why did you let this guy go? 0.99

01:15:49.000 Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! 1.00

01:15:51.000 It's like diplomatic immunity. 1.00

01:15:52.000 He was crying diplomatic immunity.

01:15:54.000 Yeah.

01:15:54.000 Yeah, but forcing maids.

01:15:56.000 I'm just thinking about my maid. 1.00

01:15:57.000 It's this old fucking Mexican lady. 1.00

01:15:59.000 Forcing her to suck one day. 1.00

01:16:00.000 So these, the money... 1.00

01:16:01.000 I always think of Arnold, what he did.

01:16:04.000 But the money in that area, in Beverly Hills area, is just, it's catastrophic.

01:16:09.000 I mean, it's stratospheric, rather.

01:16:11.000 It's off the charts.

01:16:12.000 Like, you can't even understand.

01:16:13.000 Like, a guy who makes good money is poor there.

01:16:17.000 I'm a poor person there.

01:16:18.000 I do well, but I'm poor there.

01:16:20.000 Sure.

01:16:20.000 It's when you get into oil money, or people who own any...

01:16:25.000 Hologarge money.

01:16:26.000 Yeah.

01:16:26.000 And even in the United States, when you have people that have been here for so long and generated, you know...

01:16:32.000 Trumps. 1.00

01:16:34.000 Mayflower fucking shit, where it's like, oh yeah, we own... 1.00

01:16:37.000 My family used to own Pasadena. 1.00

01:16:40.000 Ooh.

01:16:41.000 That's another trippy thing.

01:16:42.000 We've talked about that, is where there was so much money in Pasadena that they put that 210 freeway there. 0.94

01:16:50.000 That's why it is where it is, so they keep the black people on the other side. 1.00

01:16:54.000 What? 0.95

01:16:55.000 That's exactly why that freeway is there. 0.99

01:16:57.000 Where do they keep the black people? 1.00

01:16:59.000 On which side? 0.97

01:16:59.000 On the other side, down north of Pasadena, that 210. Separates them? 0.97

01:17:05.000 Altadena. 0.97

01:17:06.000 That's where the black people are? 1.00

01:17:07.000 That's where the black people are. 1.00

01:17:08.000 That's why they call it Crimadina. 0.98

01:17:10.000 Really?

01:17:10.000 They call it Altadena Crimadina.

01:17:12.000 No way.

01:17:12.000 Yeah.

01:17:13.000 Yeah, it's rough up there.

01:17:14.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:17:14.000 We were playing this youth basketball league when my son was maybe like a fifth grader, and the nicest man in the world who ran the basketball league just got hit by a bullet in the head and fucking dead. 0.99

01:17:26.000 Whoa. 0.99

01:17:26.000 Yeah, Pasadena streets. 0.99

01:17:28.000 There was this park.

01:17:29.000 He got shot in Pasadena?

01:17:31.000 Just a stray bullet.

01:17:32.000 A stray bullet?

01:17:34.000 Yeah.

01:17:34.000 Who are they shooting at?

01:17:36.000 Just each other.

01:17:36.000 You know, gangs.

01:17:37.000 Whoa.

01:17:38.000 In Pasadena?

01:17:39.000 There's gang violence in Pasadena? 0.93

01:17:41.000 A shitload of it.

01:17:42.000 What?

01:17:43.000 Like near the Ice House?

01:17:44.000 Not near the Ice House.

01:17:46.000 Ice House is on the right side.

01:17:48.000 South side.

01:17:49.000 This is a freeway. 0.95

01:17:50.000 Go fucking north of that freeway and go up into the hills right there. 0.99

01:17:55.000 And there's a shitload of crime. 1.00

01:17:56.000 Shitload. 0.98

01:17:57.000 Wow! 0.99

01:17:58.000 I saw there's this place called Villa Park where my son was playing soccer.

01:18:03.000 And we went there and I saw guys getting their hair cut in the street.

01:18:06.000 Like a guy sitting down and just buzzing and a dude lines people just giving haircuts in the street.

01:18:11.000 Everybody watch out. 1.00

01:18:13.000 Like this fucking rough neighborhood. 1.00

01:18:15.000 We ever see dudes getting haircuts in the street, and you're like, fucking everybody look alive. 1.00

01:18:19.000 It's rough. 0.99

01:18:20.000 It's a lot of Latinos, you know, and there's also a lot of black on Mexican crime. 0.96

01:18:25.000 Remember when that was happening in LA? The Mexican guys were just shooting black people? 0.99

01:18:30.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:18:31.000 Any black people?

01:18:32.000 Really?

01:18:32.000 Any of them?

01:18:33.000 Yep.

01:18:33.000 Why?

01:18:34.000 Trying to run them out of neighborhoods.

01:18:35.000 Whoa.

01:18:36.000 Yep. 1.00

01:18:38.000 When you get into, like, MS-13 shit, that's where it starts to get scary. 1.00

01:18:43.000 Well, that's where, like, white people get really pro-Trump. 0.99

01:18:47.000 You know, they get very excited about Trump, and MS-13 is one of the things they keep bringing up, and all these...

01:18:54.000 Illegal immigrants that have formed these gangs.

01:18:57.000 For the most part, when you look at all of the people coming in to work, they don't want any trouble.

01:19:05.000 Everybody wants to keep their head down, give themselves a chance, no trouble.

01:19:13.000 With anything, there's going to be bad apples.

01:19:15.000 There's going to be the guy in San Francisco that everybody keeps referring to.

01:19:19.000 There's going to be gangs.

01:19:21.000 You know what I see everywhere I go? 0.99

01:19:24.000 That is a huge fucking problem that is just spreading like wildfires. 1.00

01:19:29.000 Fucking meth. 1.00

01:19:30.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:19:31.000 Meth.

01:19:32.000 Oh, yeah.

01:19:32.000 It's like when you go...

01:19:33.000 Meth and Adderall, by the way.

01:19:35.000 Adderall's bad?

01:19:36.000 Oh, it's a huge problem.

01:19:37.000 And it leads people to meth.

01:19:38.000 Really?

01:19:39.000 Oh, yeah.

01:19:39.000 For sure.

01:19:40.000 Adderall and meth are closely related.

01:19:42.000 Wow.

01:19:42.000 Very closely related.

01:19:44.000 They're both amphetamines.

01:19:45.000 I took a half of Adderall once.

01:19:48.000 And I was like, oh, yeah, never doing that again.

01:19:52.000 I'm not good on drugs.

01:19:55.000 I took Freddy Soto, gave me an Ambien.

01:19:59.000 He was an Ambien, unfortunately. 0.67

01:20:01.000 That's what did him in, wasn't it?

01:20:03.000 It had to be.

01:20:04.000 Sleep apnea and Ambien together?

01:20:04.000 He was fat.

01:20:06.000 He was fat and just like, you know, drugs. 0.94

01:20:09.000 Well, when you have Ambien and sleep apnea, apparently it's a lethal combination because you don't feel yourself choking. 0.72

01:20:14.000 Yeah, he gave me an Ambien.

01:20:17.000 We moved.

01:20:19.000 I took it.

01:20:20.000 I was just like I needed to take a nap.

01:20:22.000 And I was all wound up.

01:20:24.000 I slept for five hours straight in the middle of the day. 0.98

01:20:27.000 I was like, I'm never fucking taking that again. 0.99

01:20:29.000 And then took this Adderall and just felt all fucked up. 0.99

01:20:35.000 And just never. 0.97

01:20:36.000 I don't think my body...

01:20:39.000 I don't know.

01:20:40.000 I don't do anything.

01:20:42.000 I was getting really tired.

01:20:44.000 During the day, and I remember you told me to take some vitamin D, and so I started taking a multivitamin.

01:20:49.000 And that really helps me.

01:20:51.000 And I take a lot of B12. That helps.

01:20:54.000 You know what else will help you in a big way?

01:20:55.000 Cut out all the bread and sugar and carbs.

01:20:58.000 Cut out all that stuff.

01:21:00.000 Because then the insulin spikes.

01:21:01.000 You're not getting these big spikes, which is a big reason why people crash at the end of the day.

01:21:05.000 It's bread.

01:21:06.000 Bread, pasta, all that stuff. 1.00

01:21:08.000 Your body goes, fuck! 1.00

01:21:10.000 And your body has to process that, and you get this big slump. 1.00

01:21:13.000 As soon as you cut all that out, you experience a much more even flow of energy through the day.

01:21:19.000 Yeah.

01:21:20.000 So if I could just learn to do like that.

01:21:24.000 Again, I'm such a glutton, man.

01:21:28.000 It's like, I can just...

01:21:31.000 Bread.

01:21:31.000 When the kids...

01:21:33.000 My wife is making fresh loaves with this artisan bread that she has.

01:21:37.000 And then they may bring peanut butter and jelly.

01:21:41.000 I'm just like a scavenger.

01:21:42.000 I'm a family goat.

01:21:43.000 I'll just eat the crusts.

01:21:46.000 That all the kids leave behind. 1.00

01:21:48.000 Sometimes I stop ordering food for myself at a restaurant because I know everyone's going to leave half their shit. 1.00

01:21:55.000 Really? 0.99

01:21:55.000 Or I'll order myself a full entree and then somebody will have half a chicken parmesan or something over on it because my son and daughter insist on ordering off the kids menu. 0.99

01:22:05.000 And so now I got somebody eating a full chicken parmesan, but they'll only eat half of it, and I'm not going to let that go to waste, and so I'll start digging into that, and then there's pasta there, and I'm like, let me just try one of those raviolis. 0.98

01:22:15.000 And then all of a sudden, I ate, like, fucking three dinners. 0.89

01:22:19.000 I weigh more than I ever have weighed in my entire life right now. 0.99

01:22:22.000 Wow.

01:22:23.000 193 and I'm 5'10".

01:22:25.000 Jesus, dude.

01:22:25.000 Yeah.

01:22:26.000 Wow. 0.97

01:22:26.000 And I think, again, I go to the gym on a regular basis and I lift and stuff like that, but yeah, I'm fucking 193 pounds. 0.97

01:22:35.000 Yeah, it's that pasta and bread, man. 0.89

01:22:37.000 If you just cut all that stuff out, you'll drop a shitload of weight right away. 0.82

01:22:40.000 Quit being a family goat. 0.97

01:22:41.000 That'll help.

01:22:42.000 That'll help.

01:22:43.000 You know, one of the things we were talking about that I think is kind of important, like when you're talking about immigration and like bad apples and stuff like that, I look at immigration the same way I look at gun control.

01:22:53.000 Like most people that have guns are law-abiding citizens and it's not going to be a problem.

01:22:57.000 The vast, vast majority.

01:22:58.000 And I think that's the same case with...

01:23:01.000 Immigration, in the same case, people coming to America, even illegally.

01:23:04.000 They want to do better.

01:23:06.000 That's why they're coming here.

01:23:06.000 They're not coming here because they want to start crime.

01:23:09.000 Sure.

01:23:09.000 Most of them are coming here because they want opportunities.

01:23:13.000 With guns, I totally agree.

01:23:14.000 I want a shotgun so badly.

01:23:16.000 I want a double-barrel.

01:23:17.000 I want a shotgun.

01:23:18.000 Yeah.

01:23:19.000 And I've shot a lot of guns, especially for The Daily Show.

01:23:23.000 Shot guns for The Daily Show?

01:23:24.000 Oh, my God.

01:23:24.000 Is that, like, mandatory?

01:23:26.000 You guys are going to be telling jokes? 0.99

01:23:27.000 You're going to have to learn how to fucking clear a room. 0.99

01:23:29.000 You've got to learn how to defend yourself. 0.99

01:23:30.000 Okay.

01:23:31.000 All right.

01:23:32.000 Follow me.

01:23:33.000 Now, this is a Thompson machine gun.

01:23:35.000 Trigger discipline!

01:23:36.000 It's very important for the Daily Show.

01:23:38.000 I've shot.50 caliber, sniper busters. 0.98

01:23:41.000 .50 calibers are ridiculous. 0.99

01:23:43.000 Yeah. 0.90

01:23:43.000 Dude, I'll show you a video after this. 0.90

01:23:46.000 Actually, maybe this hasn't really even aired because it was part of a pilot that I did.

01:23:52.000 I did a pilot for Comedy Central when I left The Daily Show.

01:23:55.000 It was an anti-travel show called This Place Sucks.

01:23:58.000 laughter That didn't go?

01:24:01.000 Dude, I'll send it to you.

01:24:02.000 That's a great idea just in concept. 0.92

01:24:04.000 Dude, it's the fucking funny, you know what they said? 0.97

01:24:06.000 What? 0.99

01:24:06.000 Too mean. 0.99

01:24:07.000 Everybody said it was too mean. 0.99

01:24:09.000 It's fucking hilarious. 0.98

01:24:11.000 I go, we stayed in Kansas City. 0.98

01:24:12.000 I go, hey everybody, my name's Al Madrigal.

01:24:14.000 I'm in Kansas City. 0.99

01:24:15.000 I'm going to tell you why this place sucks. 1.00

01:24:17.000 Fucking just shit all over it. 1.00

01:24:19.000 You need to just do that online. 0.99

01:24:21.000 Oh yeah, I should just put them out.

01:24:23.000 That is a great idea for all things comedy.

01:24:25.000 Why don't you just buy up the idea?

01:24:26.000 Start making them.

01:24:27.000 I totally should.

01:24:28.000 Do you own the idea?

01:24:29.000 It's my idea, yeah.

01:24:30.000 Oh my god, that's a great idea.

01:24:32.000 That idea, like, as soon as you set it up, bing! 0.98

01:24:34.000 You know, someone says an idea and a light bulb goes off, like, that's a real idea.

01:24:37.000 And I do it in San Francisco. 0.99

01:24:39.000 When I do it, San Francisco's fucking filthy. 0.99

01:24:41.000 It is one of the dirtiest cities I've ever been to in my entire life. 0.99

01:24:44.000 And also, it's, like, filled with rich douchebags now because of the, you know, internet boom and all this tech boom. 0.81

01:24:50.000 Oh, yeah.

01:24:51.000 Poor people are getting moved out.

01:24:52.000 There's so much stuff to make fun of.

01:24:54.000 So anyway, I made fun of... 1.00

01:24:56.000 I went to this place, OMB Guns, and I shot fucking machine guns, handguns. 0.99

01:25:02.000 Like, I shot everything. 0.99

01:25:03.000 And then for the Daily Show, I went and I drove a tank.

01:25:08.000 I got to drive tanks.

01:25:09.000 I was doing these chieftain tanks that I was driving.

01:25:11.000 I got to run over two Saturns in a tank.

01:25:14.000 Really? 0.99

01:25:14.000 Yeah, it was fucking awesome. 0.99

01:25:16.000 Whoa. 0.98

01:25:16.000 How do you drive a tank? 0.98

01:25:17.000 Like, what do you...

01:25:18.000 Is there a gas?

01:25:19.000 Yeah, it's levers.

01:25:20.000 And there's a...

01:25:21.000 So, yeah, you can watch.

01:25:24.000 And there was this hot chick. 1.00

01:25:26.000 That they had that was working there that was on it with me and at the same place I got to fire machine guns. 0.99

01:25:33.000 But I feel like when it comes to automatic weapons and the.50 caliber sniper buster and all that shit. 0.94

01:25:40.000 I don't understand why you need to own that. 0.99

01:25:43.000 I liked shooting it. 0.77

01:25:44.000 I'll go shoot that stuff again.

01:25:46.000 I really enjoyed it.

01:25:47.000 You're going to see me shoot that.50 caliber thing?

01:25:49.000 Right.

01:25:50.000 Like, there was a shockwave.

01:25:51.000 Oh, yeah.

01:25:52.000 Like, your head flies back. 1.00

01:25:54.000 You can watch my arms and the skin on my arms ripple after I fucking shoot it. 0.99

01:26:00.000 Because I wore a sleeveless shirt to shoot it. 1.00

01:26:04.000 And I'm like, fuck it. 1.00

01:26:05.000 Boom! 1.00

01:26:06.000 Wow.

01:26:06.000 And I enjoyed it.

01:26:08.000 I like shooting that shit. 1.00

01:26:10.000 I want the shotgun to defend my house when everything goes to hell. 1.00

01:26:14.000 Zombie apocalypse.

01:26:14.000 Yeah, zombie apocalypse.

01:26:16.000 I need a shotgun. 0.99

01:26:16.000 I want just somebody to hear, get the fuck away from the door. 0.99

01:26:21.000 You know what I have by my bed right now? 0.99

01:26:24.000 Hammers.

01:26:26.000 A hammer?

01:26:26.000 I have a hammer.

01:26:28.000 Like, Bill makes fun of me like he thinks it's the craziest thing.

01:26:31.000 You keep it by your bed? 0.99

01:26:32.000 I keep a hammer under my bed, like I'm gonna fucking get up and close contact, like hammer somebody to death. 0.99

01:26:39.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:26:40.000 That seems like you thought it through like really Really, like, on a surface level.

01:26:46.000 I have a magnum flashlight, and I got...

01:26:49.000 A magnum flashlight?

01:26:50.000 Yeah.

01:26:50.000 That always kills me, that people think they're going to club somebody with a flashlight.

01:26:53.000 No, no, I want a flashlight in one hand, and blind them, and then fucking run in and hammer. 0.99

01:27:00.000 Why not a real weapon? 0.99

01:27:02.000 I want a real weapon.

01:27:03.000 I got knives.

01:27:04.000 I have all close contact.

01:27:05.000 How come you never got a gun?

01:27:06.000 Oh, my wife.

01:27:08.000 Oh, one of them.

01:27:10.000 I'll get one.

01:27:11.000 I'm working on her.

01:27:12.000 She gets it.

01:27:13.000 What you got to do is a false flag in the house.

01:27:15.000 Hire some friends to break in.

01:27:17.000 Oh, yeah.

01:27:17.000 That's a good idea.

01:27:21.000 A false flag.

01:27:22.000 You're like the Dick Cheney of households.

01:27:24.000 Oh, my God.

01:27:25.000 So, yeah, I want the gun badly, but I feel like with an AK-47, and maybe, you know, people can write, like, only bad things have happened with people, you know, sure, there's responsible gun owners, but you look at Dylann Roof and you look at,

01:27:40.000 you know, Columbine, you look at all these, you know, people getting shot up everywhere and Sandy Hook.

01:27:46.000 Like, I don't want that to happen.

01:27:48.000 I don't want my kids...

01:27:49.000 I was walking along...

01:27:51.000 You put your guns in a safe.

01:27:52.000 Why do you need an AK-47?

01:27:54.000 You don't.

01:27:55.000 You don't need an AK-47.

01:27:58.000 I'm saying have all the handguns.

01:27:59.000 But the thing is, who should be able to decide who gets what?

01:28:03.000 That's where it gets weird.

01:28:04.000 Yeah.

01:28:05.000 And what about silencers, too?

01:28:07.000 Well, here's the thing.

01:28:09.000 In Europe, silencers are thought of as a polite thing.

01:28:14.000 Because we're over in America worried about shooting people.

01:28:16.000 They're worrying about noise.

01:28:18.000 So, like, if you have what they call a suppressor, they call a suppressor. 0.99

01:28:21.000 Like, if you're hunting, you would hunt with a suppressor on because you don't want to blow your fucking ears out, man. 0.95

01:28:25.000 I'll put the links out to these two pieces that I did, Daily Show Spots. 0.99

01:28:29.000 I'll do the one...

01:28:30.000 If you go to my thing, the Twitter, I'll...

01:28:35.000 I'll put it out.

01:28:35.000 I'll send them to you.

01:28:36.000 Then when I drove the tank and fired all those guns, and then I did a silencer piece as well.

01:28:41.000 And the guy was saying he wanted to protect kids' ears with the silencers.

01:28:47.000 And that's what Donald Trump Jr. is saying.

01:28:49.000 Kids. 0.99

01:28:51.000 The reality is though, and this is true, I know a lot of friends that are hunters that shot guns as kids and they're fucked up now. 1.00

01:28:58.000 Their ears are a mess. 0.99

01:29:00.000 Shouldn't they wear the...

01:29:01.000 Yeah, they should.

01:29:02.000 But they didn't when they were younger because they didn't know any better.

01:29:05.000 See, 20 years ago...

01:29:07.000 People didn't know that you were going to do permanent damage to your ear.

01:29:10.000 You never heard about it.

01:29:12.000 These people just shot guns. 0.99

01:29:13.000 But I think also the unfortunate reality now is that you could have somebody walking around undetected and fucking shooting people in a college, in a community college. 0.99

01:29:24.000 I was on KCRW and walking around the Santa Monica campus, and I really did think. 0.98

01:29:31.000 I'm like, okay, who's the shooter?

01:29:34.000 And that shouldn't be a thought.

01:29:37.000 No, it shouldn't.

01:29:39.000 Yeah, I mean, it's a mental health issue. 0.98

01:29:41.000 Because, like, the only person that's capable of doing that is a person who's sick. 0.96

01:29:44.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:29:45.000 You know, and that's the other thing that doesn't come up when you're talking about mass shootings is whenever you hear about it in the news, nobody makes the correlation, the inescapable correlation between psychoactive drugs and And mass shootings, because there's a lot of fucking mass shooters, 0.72

01:30:01.000 like almost all of them, that are either on pharmaceutical drugs, like SSRIs, disassociative drugs, or they're getting off of them, antipsychotic drugs. 0.52

01:30:11.000 So what can be done?

01:30:12.000 Is there, like, there is no common ground?

01:30:14.000 You start having people make, we live in this country where you should be able to do whatever you want and have whatever you want, but then who gets to decide who gets what guns?

01:30:26.000 That's a good question.

01:30:26.000 Well, Texas is sort of taking the idea that everybody has a gun.

01:30:32.000 A well-armed society is a polite society.

01:30:35.000 What am I, Ron White all of a sudden?

01:30:36.000 And then teachers should have guns in the classroom. 1.00

01:30:39.000 And bulletproof helmets.

01:30:41.000 Full vests.

01:30:43.000 Jesus.

01:30:43.000 AK-47s right there.

01:30:45.000 Right there.

01:30:46.000 Put down the chalk!

01:30:46.000 Da-da-da-da-da-da-da!

01:30:48.000 I don't know, man. 1.00

01:30:49.000 It sucks. 0.99

01:30:50.000 It sucks that you have to think about this. 0.99

01:30:51.000 There's no easy solution. 0.92

01:30:53.000 Every time one of those things happens, everybody buckles down and wants to take away guns and try to figure out legislation.

01:31:01.000 I just feel like the root of the problem is not the tools that people are using.

01:31:04.000 It's the fact that someone's willing to use those tools.

01:31:07.000 It's the fact that someone is willing to do that.

01:31:08.000 The fact that those guns are more accessible is a genuine issue.

01:31:13.000 But I think we can all agree that no one came for the guns.

01:31:16.000 But Obama, everybody's like, Obama's coming for the guns!

01:31:19.000 Well, do you know why?

01:31:20.000 Because the NRA. Because the NRA is too strong.

01:31:23.000 The lobby's too strong.

01:31:25.000 They've spent a shitload of money and continue to spend a shitload of money to make sure they protect the Second Amendment rights.

01:31:30.000 Yeah, but so you're saying if not for the NRA, that they would have taken all the guns.

01:31:37.000 They would have definitely done something similar to what Australia did.

01:31:40.000 Australia essentially made gun ownership very, very, very difficult.

01:31:44.000 They took away guns, they enacted very strict laws, and they had, like, one mass shooting a long time ago.

01:31:50.000 They had a big mass shooting a long time ago.

01:31:52.000 That's the thing that they don't have is, like, these big mass shootings.

01:31:55.000 You know, when you see...

01:31:57.000 But Australia has the same amount of people as California, and it's the size of the United States.

01:32:01.000 Mm-hmm.

01:32:02.000 Yeah, they just saw a thing.

01:32:03.000 It was the map comparisons that blow your mind.

01:32:06.000 It's the exact same size.

01:32:07.000 Yeah, it's crazy.

01:32:08.000 And people are spread, you know.

01:32:09.000 Way spread out.

01:32:10.000 And it's the same amount of people as Los Angeles. 1.00

01:32:13.000 And it's in this giant-ass fucking country. 0.99

01:32:15.000 So when you think about being able to take people's guns in Australia, it's different. 1.00

01:32:21.000 The culture's different.

01:32:22.000 The idea of independence is different over there.

01:32:24.000 We have a different attitude over here.

01:32:26.000 Yeah, I just don't want to...

01:32:28.000 When you have little kids, again, everything changes. 0.99

01:32:34.000 I don't ever worry about them growing up in a society where a teacher does have to think about wearing a fucking helmet. 0.99

01:32:40.000 Of course, of course. 0.99

01:32:41.000 I mean, nobody wants to think that.

01:32:43.000 I don't know what the solution is, but the solution...

01:32:46.000 Look, getting the guns away from the people, there's more guns than there are human beings in America.

01:32:54.000 And they're not going to stop making guns.

01:32:57.000 No, it's a good business.

01:32:59.000 Yeah, I don't think the guns are the problem.

01:33:00.000 I really don't.

01:33:01.000 I mean, I support gun ownership.

01:33:02.000 I really do.

01:33:03.000 I just don't think that's the issue. 1.00

01:33:05.000 I think the issue is, look, we saw in France, in Nice, that some crazy fuck can take a car and kill 100 people by plowing over people. 1.00

01:33:13.000 Yeah, and just start stabbing people, too. 1.00

01:33:15.000 Get out of the car and just fucking start stabbing folks. 0.99

01:33:18.000 There's ways that people lose their fucking minds and do horrible things to people, and the ways are not things you have to take away. 1.00

01:33:24.000 You have to figure out a way, and I don't... 0.99

01:33:26.000 Take away all hammers?

01:33:26.000 No.

01:33:27.000 Right.

01:33:27.000 I don't know what the solution is, but I don't think anybody does.

01:33:30.000 No, obviously not.

01:33:31.000 The idea of taking all those guns away.

01:33:32.000 I think what you're getting at with the mental health stuff is there, I'm not opposed to there being a screening process and seeing if you have a history of violence.

01:33:39.000 Of course, yeah.

01:33:40.000 And if you show up on a terrorist watch list, and that's where I I think the NRA goes overboard. 0.99

01:33:47.000 If you're on a fucking terrorist watch list, who doesn't agree with that? 0.98

01:33:51.000 Well, the only problem with that is who gets to decide who's on that terrorist watch list. 1.00

01:33:55.000 Because there was people that were from the Green Party that were put on terrorist watch lists after 9-11 because they were anti-war protesters.

01:34:04.000 And they were put on no-fly lists. 0.86

01:34:06.000 There was a lot of weird shit that happened where people were put on lists because they pissed off the wrong people. 0.84

01:34:15.000 But then you go to buy a gun, and then they say, I'm sorry, you can't purchase this weapon because you're on this list. 0.98

01:34:21.000 Go to a gun show.

01:34:23.000 That's part of the problem.

01:34:23.000 You go to a gun show and you can buy a gun far easier.

01:34:27.000 They're trying to tighten that down, though.

01:34:29.000 Kansas, you can go and...

01:34:32.000 People correct me if I'm wrong.

01:34:33.000 I didn't choke up. 1.00

01:34:35.000 This place sucks. 1.00

01:34:35.000 What am I? And so you go to Kansas... 1.00

01:34:39.000 And then you can get a gun with just an ID, Kansas ID, and get it in maybe like five minutes, zero train.

01:34:50.000 It's nothing.

01:34:51.000 Just you get it right away.

01:34:52.000 You don't have to have a background check?

01:34:54.000 Nothing.

01:34:55.000 Is that true?

01:34:55.000 Yes.

01:34:56.000 Was that true, like, when you did in 2014?

01:34:58.000 When I did this piece, yeah.

01:35:00.000 But you can look at...

01:35:01.000 Can we check that?

01:35:02.000 Yeah, gun laws, access...

01:35:03.000 Kansas gun law, no background check.

01:35:05.000 No background check, I'm pretty certain.

01:35:07.000 So...

01:35:08.000 But wouldn't people...

01:35:08.000 You have to live in Kansas City?

01:35:10.000 Well, listen to what this guy does with his grandma.

01:35:11.000 He walks into this place, and he goes, uh...

01:35:16.000 I can't...

01:35:17.000 The guy says, I can't buy the gun.

01:35:18.000 But she can. 0.66

01:35:20.000 Like that, and he buys these four guns or something, and he kills a bunch of people.

01:35:41.000 Yeah, it's crazy.

01:35:42.000 No training, no background check.

01:35:43.000 Hold on.

01:35:43.000 Hold on a second.

01:35:44.000 Concealed weapons license holders.

01:35:46.000 Like, you have to have a concealed weapons license, which is difficult to acquire.

01:35:51.000 It's not easy to get a concealed weapons license unless they have a different law there.

01:35:56.000 Background checks in Kansas.

01:35:57.000 That's concealed weapons, but I think you can just get it.

01:35:59.000 But concealed weapons is like the hardest thing to get is a concealed carry.

01:36:03.000 Federal law provides states with the options of serving a state.

01:36:07.000 Kansas has no law requiring firearms dealers to initiate background checks prior to transferring a firearm.

01:36:13.000 As a result, in Kansas, firearms dealers must initiate the background check required by federal law by contacting the FBI directly.

01:36:21.000 Kansas is not a point of contact state.

01:36:24.000 Huh.

01:36:25.000 So they have to contact the FBI. Federal law does not require dealers to conduct a background check if a firearm purchaser presents a state permit to purchase or possess firearms that meet certain conditions.

01:36:37.000 So it seems like there's definitely some wiggle room.

01:36:40.000 Yeah, yeah, for sure.

01:36:41.000 And then, you know, that's what he was talking about, these gun shows where you can just go gobble up a bunch of firearms, and then you can bring them into...

01:36:48.000 That's what they just transport them across state lines and...

01:36:51.000 It's one of those things like many human issues where there's not a whole lot of like clear paths.

01:36:57.000 It's like there's so many guns, you're never going to take them all away from people.

01:37:01.000 And should you take them all away from them? 0.99

01:37:02.000 Like if a guy like you has a gun, I don't feel like you're a danger or a threat unless you get in one of your goddamn tirades. 0.99

01:37:10.000 Maybe I'm not the best example. 1.00

01:37:11.000 You might shoot a hack.

01:37:12.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.99

01:37:13.000 But fucking stealing what? 1.00

01:37:16.000 He's got a gun! 1.00

01:37:19.000 Did you hear that bit?

01:37:21.000 Not a bit, the video.

01:37:22.000 Carlos Mencia was on Joey Diaz's show saying he thought about bringing a gun around and going to the comedy store and shooting people and he was carrying a gun in his car.

01:37:30.000 No way. 0.98

01:37:32.000 Crazy. 0.59

01:37:33.000 Well there, maybe he shouldn't have a gun. 0.98

01:37:35.000 Yeah, Jesus.

01:37:36.000 That's where I started thinking about Ojai, which brings me back and then I started thinking about, you know, I look at Redfin or I look at Trulia.

01:37:43.000 I would go to Ojai. 0.97

01:37:44.000 Living out there, you mean?

01:37:44.000 Living in Ojai.

01:37:45.000 Ojai's weird.

01:37:46.000 Checking out.

01:37:47.000 I was in Ojai recently.

01:37:48.000 It's weird.

01:37:49.000 Really?

01:37:49.000 Yeah.

01:37:50.000 Everybody talks about how great it is.

01:37:51.000 I think the resort is great.

01:37:53.000 Oh, yeah.

01:37:53.000 We did an Airbnb out there in Ojai.

01:37:56.000 I was like, yeah, I don't have to.

01:37:57.000 Not feeling it?

01:37:58.000 Yeah.

01:37:59.000 What about...

01:37:59.000 Nice restaurants.

01:38:01.000 What about when you get out to like...

01:38:04.000 Montecito? 0.97

01:38:05.000 Oh, that's fucking just... 0.99

01:38:06.000 Beautiful. 0.99

01:38:07.000 That's like 1%.

01:38:08.000 That's like $12 million house territory.

01:38:10.000 Yeah.

01:38:11.000 That Saudi Arabian chic has a... 1.00

01:38:13.000 Beautiful.

01:38:14.000 Beautiful view.

01:38:15.000 No, rich people found the good spots.

01:38:17.000 That's a good spot.

01:38:18.000 Yeah, they really did.

01:38:19.000 I like that Santa Barbara.

01:38:21.000 I like that Santa Ynez.

01:38:22.000 Yeah.

01:38:22.000 I like to go up the coast.

01:38:24.000 If everybody looks at this, you want to go look at Cambria?

01:38:27.000 Where's that?

01:38:27.000 It's in the middle of California.

01:38:29.000 It's just a coastal town.

01:38:31.000 There's a place called Avila Beach.

01:38:32.000 It's all that gets into, like, San Luis Obispo County.

01:38:35.000 Right in the middle, people have it.

01:38:37.000 It's a little bit too far to drive.

01:38:39.000 It'll take you, like, three and a half hours out of L.A. Little town, walk to the coffee place with the dogs.

01:38:45.000 My buddy John Hackleman lives in San Luis Epispo.

01:38:48.000 He's Chuck Liddell's old karate trainer.

01:38:51.000 I went to Paulie with Chuck Liddell.

01:38:55.000 Did you really?

01:38:55.000 I didn't know him.

01:38:56.000 I just knew. 1.00

01:38:57.000 I was like, oh, that fucking guy. 1.00

01:38:59.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:38:59.000 What is this? 1.00

01:39:01.000 It's the Ambria.

01:39:01.000 That's Cambria?

01:39:02.000 That's Cambria. 0.99

01:39:03.000 That's pretty.

01:39:04.000 Is that off the 101?

01:39:05.000 Yep.

01:39:06.000 Yeah, that's pretty.

01:39:07.000 It looks quiet. 0.99

01:39:09.000 But San Luis Obispo is fucking great. 0.96

01:39:12.000 There's no one there. 0.97

01:39:12.000 It's just a college and it's real quiet and calm. 0.97

01:39:15.000 There's Morro Bay.

01:39:16.000 There's also another.

01:39:17.000 They got that big rock.

01:39:18.000 And then you can just go fish. 1.00

01:39:20.000 You can do a bunch of shit like that. 0.99

01:39:22.000 So that's, again, I'm... 0.99

01:39:24.000 I am so high-strung, and I do feel like I'm prone to... 1.00

01:39:29.000 I can't be walking around telling dads at my school to fuck off. 1.00

01:39:33.000 Do you do that? 1.00

01:39:34.000 I told one guy to go, you're a real fucking asshole. 1.00

01:39:37.000 What happened? 1.00

01:39:38.000 He's a fucking dick to my son. 1.00

01:39:41.000 The dad was? 1.00

01:39:42.000 The dad was.

01:39:42.000 He was a basketball coach.

01:39:44.000 And I saw him, and I go, hey, you're a real asshole. 1.00

01:39:47.000 You know that? 1.00

01:39:48.000 Whoa.

01:39:50.000 Because no dads talk to each other like that. 1.00

01:39:52.000 And, yeah, I call this guy an asshole. 1.00

01:39:56.000 And I felt bad. 1.00

01:39:57.000 Again, I feel fucking bad. 0.95

01:39:58.000 I don't want to do it, but I did it. 1.00

01:40:01.000 And he's a dick. 1.00

01:40:03.000 And everybody knows he's a fucking dick. 1.00

01:40:05.000 And, well, is he a coach? 1.00

01:40:06.000 He was a coach for a couple years.

01:40:08.000 At a school?

01:40:08.000 Yeah.

01:40:08.000 Is he still there?

01:40:09.000 Or is he done?

01:40:10.000 He's done.

01:40:11.000 Yeah, he's done.

01:40:12.000 Yeah, well, there's a lot of people that can't.

01:40:13.000 I mean, the stress of being a comic, right, is one kind of stress. 0.98

01:40:16.000 Imagine the stress of dealing with hormonally active 17-year-olds every fucking year. 0.99

01:40:22.000 New ones coming in, just chaos. 1.00

01:40:24.000 These are much younger.

01:40:25.000 Okay, 14?

01:40:26.000 No, not even that. 1.00

01:40:28.000 This is like being an asshole to an 11-year-old. 1.00

01:40:30.000 Oh, well, he's a piece of shit then. 1.00

01:40:31.000 Yeah, yeah, exactly. 1.00

01:40:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:40:32.000 Well, there's a lot of fucking stress in raising people and teaching kids and dealing with the problems that kids present, you know? 0.98

01:40:39.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:40:39.000 A lot of people that just... 0.98

01:40:40.000 Here's another thing that's going on today.

01:40:42.000 People think they can have a kid and then have careers, too, and everyone has a career.

01:40:47.000 The mom has a career, the dad has a career, everybody has a career.

01:40:49.000 You ditch the kid.

01:40:50.000 When are you watching the kid?

01:40:51.000 Who's paying attention to the kid?

01:40:52.000 I went to a party, and I've talked about this on the podcast before, this one little kid was just running around hitting everybody and doing...

01:40:57.000 The parents are inside drinking.

01:40:59.000 They were in the party drinking.

01:41:00.000 And the kid's out there with the other kids.

01:41:02.000 And then finally the guy comes out and apologizes.

01:41:04.000 I'm sorry.

01:41:04.000 He's a good kid.

01:41:05.000 I'm like, he's not a good kid.

01:41:06.000 Like, he's hit three kids.

01:41:07.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:41:08.000 I told him what the kid did.

01:41:09.000 He goes, he never did that.

01:41:10.000 I go, I saw him do that. 1.00

01:41:12.000 Watched your son be an asshole. 1.00

01:41:13.000 And the guy's like, I said I'm sorry. 1.00

01:41:14.000 I'm like, oh my God, I want to kill you. 0.99

01:41:16.000 Like, do you understand? 1.00

01:41:17.000 I want to grab your neck and choke the life out of you. 1.00

01:41:19.000 I'm containing myself, you fucking cunt. 1.00

01:41:21.000 Yeah, so I get into putting those. 1.00

01:41:23.000 But I keep it cool.

01:41:25.000 I keep it cool out.

01:41:27.000 How do you do it?

01:41:27.000 I don't know.

01:41:28.000 Because I practice murder on a daily basis.

01:41:31.000 Oh my god. 0.97

01:41:32.000 I just murder a punching bag or I run out pills. 0.88

01:41:34.000 I get it out of my system.

01:41:36.000 Bert just told me this story about you exercising such calm.

01:41:43.000 You and Tate.

01:41:45.000 And that guy with his shirt off.

01:41:47.000 That was trying to get into your hotel room. 1.00

01:41:50.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

01:41:51.000 And I would have fucking... 0.98

01:41:54.000 I don't know what I would have done. 0.98

01:41:56.000 You know, that's the other thing.

01:41:57.000 Well, that guy wound up being unconscious.

01:42:00.000 Yeah, because Tate put him to sleep, right?

01:42:02.000 Yeah, Tate choked him unconscious.

01:42:04.000 But Tate was nice to him.

01:42:05.000 He could have taken his life. 1.00

01:42:06.000 That guy was a real piece of shit. 1.00

01:42:08.000 He was a big giant dude. 1.00

01:42:09.000 He was like 6'6", and he was a bully. 0.69

01:42:12.000 And he thought, you know, because he was so tall, he thought the people were scared of him.

01:42:15.000 But... 0.99

01:42:16.000 You know, he fucked with the wrong guy in Tate. 0.98

01:42:20.000 First of all, a guy who's been arrested, been around bad people his whole life, been in numerous street fights, was a professional fighter, was on the Ultimate Fighter, was a black belt in Jiu Jitsu. 0.98

01:42:32.000 I mean, everything was wrong.

01:42:33.000 And Tate was trying to be calm with the guy.

01:42:36.000 And the way Tate handled it, they fought in a hotel lobby right in front of the elevator. 1.00

01:42:43.000 And the guy was pounding on his door saying, you're in my fucking room. 1.00

01:42:46.000 The guy was just a cunt. 1.00

01:42:48.000 And Tate was like, no, look, my key works here. 1.00

01:42:51.000 It's definitely my room.

01:42:52.000 And he shuts the door on me. 1.00

01:42:53.000 He goes, hey, you fucking faggot. 1.00

01:42:54.000 You think you can get away with shutting this fucking door? 1.00

01:42:56.000 He goes, open this fucking door. 1.00

01:42:58.000 I told you you're in my room. 1.00

01:42:59.000 And then we all went outside.

01:43:01.000 It was me and Eddie Bravo and Tate.

01:43:03.000 We're looking at this guy and we're looking at his friend and we're trying to figure out how we're gonna do this.

01:43:07.000 Like, this has to be dealt with.

01:43:09.000 Like, this is not a guy that's gonna go away. 1.00

01:43:11.000 He was a big, drunk, dumb guy. 0.99

01:43:13.000 And Tate decides the way to handle it is, you know, there's a bunch of words being exchanged. 0.99

01:43:19.000 So Tate decides He kicks the guy in the leg, and then he grabs him and pulls him on top of him.

01:43:29.000 So the guy, like, literally has no idea, like, why he's doing this.

01:43:32.000 So he buckles.

01:43:33.000 He kicks his leg, grabs him, and pulls him on top of him, and pulls him into what's called a guard, you know, like in jiu-jitsu, and then wraps him up in something called an omoplata, which is a shoulder lock.

01:43:44.000 So he throws, I mean, this is all instantaneous.

01:43:47.000 Kick, pull, whap! 1.00

01:43:49.000 Throws his shoulder over him.

01:43:50.000 Then the security guards show up. 0.99

01:43:52.000 The security guards show up and they go, hey, hey, hey, what the fuck is going on? 0.98

01:43:57.000 And I go, relax. 0.97

01:43:58.000 I go, everything's going to be fine.

01:44:00.000 He's just going to choke him to sleep.

01:44:02.000 And the security guard goes, Joe Rogan?

01:44:04.000 Are you Joe Rogan? 0.99

01:44:05.000 Holy shit, man, what are you doing here? 1.00

01:44:07.000 While I said this, like he's just going to choke him to sleep, Tate goes, all right, I guess I'm going to choke him to sleep now. 1.00

01:44:12.000 So I mean, this is all happening within seconds.

01:44:15.000 Tate sinks a rear naked choke on this guy and just squeezes him unconscious. 1.00

01:44:19.000 Gets off of him.

01:44:20.000 Doesn't hurt the guy at all.

01:44:22.000 Doesn't hit him.

01:44:23.000 All he does is kick his leg out from under him, take him down, choke him unconscious. 1.00

01:44:27.000 The guy, his friend, picks his friend up and I go, get your fucking cunt friend and sober him up and get him out of here. 1.00

01:44:34.000 And he's lucky nothing happened. 0.99

01:44:35.000 And he's like, I'm sorry, man. 1.00

01:44:37.000 My friend's a piece of shit. 1.00

01:44:37.000 I'm sorry. 1.00

01:44:38.000 His friend picks his friend up.

01:44:40.000 The guy's like delirious.

01:44:42.000 They push him in an elevator.

01:44:43.000 Elevator door closes.

01:44:45.000 He disappears from life.

01:44:46.000 Never see him again.

01:44:47.000 That's it.

01:44:48.000 It's the end of it. 1.00

01:44:48.000 I take pictures with the fucking security guards. 1.00

01:44:51.000 They're smiling. 1.00

01:44:51.000 I go, it's fine. 1.00

01:44:52.000 I go, he's a drunk asshole. 1.00

01:44:53.000 Do you think we should call the cops? 1.00

01:44:54.000 I go, no.

01:44:55.000 I go, that guy's humiliated.

01:44:57.000 I go, unless he comes back. 1.00

01:44:58.000 If he comes back, he's gonna get fucked up. 0.99

01:45:01.000 But right now, everything's fine. 0.99

01:45:02.000 Don't call the cops.

01:45:03.000 So they're laughing and everyone's laughing.

01:45:05.000 We took a couple pictures together, went back in the room, got some dinner, and we were laughing.

01:45:10.000 Yeah, but when that dad is in your face at the party, that exercise that calm, that's again, that's the thing that I struggle with.

01:45:21.000 When Mike Costa is on stage, and I'm being completely honest, again, this is how I feel, and it's just something that takes over, and I can't help but say, hey, your son is hitting that guy.

01:45:34.000 This is not cool.

01:45:35.000 This is not okay.

01:45:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:45:37.000 Parents don't watch their kids, and then their kids are just complete assholes. 0.98

01:45:40.000 Well, they go to parties, and they drink, and they leave the kids outside, and these particular parents, they don't watch the kid ever. 0.99

01:45:48.000 This is what they're famous for, apparently, in their group.

01:45:50.000 They just don't watch this kid.

01:45:52.000 They don't want to be parents.

01:45:54.000 They became parents in their 40s.

01:45:55.000 They didn't really plan it out.

01:45:58.000 I don't know if the parents get along.

01:46:00.000 I don't know.

01:46:01.000 But the whole thing looks like a disaster. 0.82

01:46:03.000 And the kid's a little monster.

01:46:04.000 And they just are not disciplining him, paying attention.

01:46:08.000 He literally went out and talked to the kid and there was some commotion going on where people complained about the kid hitting somebody.

01:46:14.000 He talked to the kid and then he high-fived him.

01:46:16.000 And then the kid went back to doing it again.

01:46:18.000 I mean literally he went back inside to drink the kid went back outside again So at the end of the night when this guy apologized to me Like it the kid was doing it all night.

01:46:26.000 Go.

01:46:26.000 Hey, man.

01:46:26.000 Your kid is really aggressive He's like, I'm sorry.

01:46:29.000 I'm sorry about the kid.

01:46:30.000 I go your kid is really aggressive.

01:46:31.000 No, he's a good kid I go look he hit three people.

01:46:34.000 I saw him hit people. 0.98

01:46:35.000 I saw him push a kid and call him a loser I go he said fucking six and he's doing this he goes that never happened I'm like I understand consequences. 0.99

01:46:46.000 This is why I bite my tongue. 1.00

01:46:48.000 I understand the actual consequences of smacking this guy in his fucking mouth, which is what I wanted to do. 0.99

01:46:54.000 Of course, if there was no consequences to doing anything, and I didn't think of him as a person, I didn't think of him as a guy who just never raised a kid before, hasn't really thought about it well, has a big career, probably busy all the time, wife's busy all the time, just not doing a good job, 0.99

01:47:10.000 raising a little monster.

01:47:13.000 Drinking to try to drown out the fact.

01:47:15.000 Who knows why?

01:47:16.000 Drinking because he doesn't like being married, drinking because he doesn't like being a dad, drinking because he doesn't like being sober.

01:47:22.000 Who knows?

01:47:22.000 I don't know.

01:47:23.000 I don't know the guy.

01:47:24.000 But in that moment when he's looking at me and going, that never happened. 1.00

01:47:28.000 The fucking sheer ignorance and incompetence and irresponsibility. 1.00

01:47:35.000 It was just so infuriating. 1.00

01:47:36.000 Because I watch my kids like a...

01:47:38.000 I watch them.

01:47:39.000 I talk to them.

01:47:40.000 I communicate with them.

01:47:41.000 I didn't have a good childhood.

01:47:42.000 So for me, it's important to be a good dad and to spend as much time as I can communicating with them. 0.99

01:47:47.000 Yeah, explaining shit. 1.00

01:47:48.000 Explaining shit. 1.00

01:47:49.000 Talking to them. 0.99

01:47:49.000 Treating them like I'm not just their dad, but also I'm their friend and I care about them. 0.99

01:47:53.000 My wife is a first grade teacher and she's becoming an educational therapist right now.

01:47:57.000 And so I'm like living with just the master at consequences.

01:48:02.000 Like if you don't eat in our house or decide you don't like broccoli, nothing else is coming.

01:48:10.000 Good.

01:48:10.000 Kitchen is closed.

01:48:13.000 And that's when people create monsters when they cater to them so much.

01:48:17.000 That's okay. 1.00

01:48:18.000 And that's when your kid only eats fucking rice. 1.00

01:48:21.000 I have a friend and he keeps feeding his fucking kid sugar. 1.00

01:48:24.000 This kid just eats nothing but sugar all day. 1.00

01:48:26.000 He goes, he doesn't eat.

01:48:26.000 He doesn't eat.

01:48:27.000 I go, what do you mean he doesn't eat?

01:48:28.000 He's always eating cookies.

01:48:29.000 It's because he won't eat his food.

01:48:30.000 I gotta feed him something.

01:48:31.000 I go, no, dude, you gotta tell him you can't eat the cookies.

01:48:35.000 You got food.

01:48:36.000 You got actual food. 1.00

01:48:37.000 This fucking kid is just eating nothing but candy. 1.00

01:48:39.000 I mean, it's bananas. 1.00

01:48:41.000 He's always got a soda in his hand, and he's six. 0.99

01:48:44.000 He's fucking six, and he's drinking a full Coke. 0.99

01:48:46.000 Like, you go over to the house, the kid has a root beer. 1.00

01:48:48.000 We saw these kids, we were on a flight, and saw these two parents sit in first class, And then come back and check.

01:48:58.000 We didn't know what was going on.

01:48:59.000 They put the kid in coach.

01:49:00.000 They put three next to each other in coach. 1.00

01:49:03.000 These motherfuckers! 1.00

01:49:05.000 I know. 1.00

01:49:05.000 Crazy, right? 1.00

01:49:06.000 And then everybody else has to deal with their kid.

01:49:08.000 They gave each of them iPads.

01:49:10.000 Oh my god.

01:49:11.000 Right?

01:49:12.000 And then the waitress, the waitress, the stewardess comes by and she looks at these three kids and looks around for who they're with and the one that was...

01:49:21.000 How old are the kids?

01:49:22.000 I'm telling you, eight is the oldest one.

01:49:25.000 Eight, maybe six, and four, three, just in a row.

01:49:30.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

01:49:31.000 And the oldest one goes, three sprites!

01:49:34.000 Three sprites!

01:49:36.000 This is a red-eye.

01:49:37.000 This is an overnight flight.

01:49:38.000 They're on iPads like just animals, just go...

01:49:44.000 Don't stop trying to win something.

01:49:49.000 We're sort of laughing at first, but everybody in our family wants to go to sleep.

01:49:55.000 Everybody's exhausted from being out all day.

01:49:58.000 This was a while ago.

01:49:59.000 I'll never be on this flight again.

01:50:01.000 No red eyes for me.

01:50:02.000 Oh, they're horrible. 1.00

01:50:03.000 They fuck you up for days. 1.00

01:50:05.000 Two days afterwards, you're fucked. 1.00

01:50:06.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:50:07.000 Try to do anything in your power to avoid a red eye.

01:50:10.000 Also try to do everything in your power to avoid...

01:50:13.000 If you can fly non-stop, that's what we're doing.

01:50:18.000 100%.

01:50:18.000 Yep.

01:50:19.000 So, they get in a fight after a while.

01:50:23.000 The kids start fighting.

01:50:24.000 Because they're all hopped up on sugar and they've been staring at the screen.

01:50:28.000 So then they start fighting.

01:50:30.000 And I think the mom or dad hears, or somebody has to tap them to get up.

01:50:34.000 And me and my wife are like...

01:50:36.000 This is not okay.

01:50:37.000 It's just not...

01:50:39.000 Nothing was said.

01:50:40.000 Because, again, we just want to mind our own business, ideally.

01:50:45.000 Right.

01:50:45.000 Again, ideally everyone minds their own business.

01:50:49.000 This is a new world, though.

01:50:50.000 This world of electronic babysitters and the world of putting the kids and coach and you go into first class, like ignoring kids.

01:50:57.000 And it's these career people.

01:50:58.000 There's a lot of people that, look, their career requires all their time.

01:51:03.000 They justify it by going, look, someone's got to make the money in this household so we can keep up this lifestyle. 0.98

01:51:07.000 And so they're out there fucking grinding all day. 0.97

01:51:10.000 What do I do? 0.99

01:51:11.000 Who's raising me?

01:51:12.000 Full circle to my dad passing away is that every single weekend, and this is why I bought that FJ-62 Land Cruiser, because every single weekend we went on a little family trip.

01:51:24.000 And I looked at myself, and we'd go on family vacations and stuff, but the amount of time that my family really spent together...

01:51:32.000 Like, a mom and a dad, like, he would take us to Yosemite.

01:51:35.000 He would take us up the coast to Mendocino.

01:51:37.000 We'd go to Marin or Stinson Beach and all these places.

01:51:41.000 Even to Golden Gate Park.

01:51:42.000 Like, he would just take us places.

01:51:44.000 Little adventures, you know?

01:51:45.000 And so, I feel like we need to...

01:51:49.000 I get caught up in work.

01:51:50.000 Working because, you know, just non-stop.

01:51:53.000 And I gotta take a step back and really spend as much time as I possibly can.

01:51:59.000 So, after that happened, this is June.

01:52:00.000 This is almost a year ago.

01:52:02.000 I just really try to trim back.

01:52:05.000 I go to every single volleyball game.

01:52:07.000 I go to every practice I possibly can.

01:52:11.000 You know, and just force yourself to say, this is not, it doesn't matter that much.

01:52:16.000 Because you look at all these deathbed, that's why I started looking at all these deathbed regrets.

01:52:20.000 Those are a bunch of lists that are out there.

01:52:22.000 Jesus.

01:52:23.000 Too much time spent at work.

01:52:26.000 Yeah.

01:52:26.000 Not enough time spent with people that I love.

01:52:30.000 You know, and you look at all these things, it's like, fuck it. 0.98

01:52:33.000 I'm not having any of these regrets. 0.99

01:52:35.000 So that's what I'm thinking.

01:52:36.000 I start looking at the real estate and trying to look at getting away, you know, just really checking out.

01:52:42.000 And that's why I'm trying to hustle and make as much money as I can.

01:52:45.000 And kids are out of the house.

01:52:47.000 Where are you going to go?

01:52:49.000 That's what I'm checking into.

01:52:50.000 That's why I know a lot about Cambria.

01:52:52.000 Big Sur.

01:52:53.000 Big Sur.

01:52:54.000 One of those places I can go up there and you're away and just live on the coast and then be able to come back.

01:52:59.000 If I get an acting gig, I love acting.

01:53:01.000 I really enjoy it.

01:53:03.000 I love writing, too.

01:53:05.000 I luckily had some success recently as a comedy writer.

01:53:10.000 And...

01:53:12.000 It's one of the CBS people.

01:53:14.000 I was trying to match up with the Latino showrunner.

01:53:17.000 And two years ago, they go, no, no, that's you.

01:53:21.000 You're going to be that guy.

01:53:23.000 And there aren't really any, but we're grooming you to be that.

01:53:25.000 And I wrote two big scripts.

01:53:27.000 And then with that business background, I have the ability to sort of do that.

01:53:33.000 I like working with people. 0.99

01:53:35.000 And I just think I could staff up and do all that shit. 0.99

01:53:37.000 So I could see myself splitting my time, keeping a little house in L.A. And then having a place in Cambria or Santa Barbara and just fucking... 0.99

01:53:46.000 Go back and forth. 0.95

01:53:47.000 Santa Barbara's easy.

01:53:48.000 It's only an hour.

01:53:49.000 Yeah.

01:53:49.000 Hour and ten.

01:53:50.000 Just live on the beach and have, you know...

01:53:52.000 Yeah.

01:53:53.000 A blue healer.

01:53:54.000 Well, also just be able to sit back and watch the ocean.

01:53:58.000 Just calm yourself.

01:54:00.000 You know? 0.99

01:54:00.000 And that's what, again, fucking Ari Shaffir said that when he was walking on a beach and he needed to walk to a restaurant 40 minutes... 0.99

01:54:11.000 That he had this feeling in his head that, oh, I need to be doing something right now. 0.99

01:54:16.000 And that he needed to curb that, and he needed to just watch the waves.

01:54:21.000 That was it.

01:54:24.000 Not think about it.

01:54:25.000 And that's what I have is the problem I have.

01:54:29.000 When you try to meditate, people have said there's a river of 20,000 thoughts that you get just non-stop.

01:54:37.000 I've been waking up every single night at 2 o'clock in the morning.

01:54:39.000 Every night?

01:54:41.000 Not every night, but four or five nights a week.

01:54:44.000 Why?

01:54:46.000 Different reasons?

01:54:48.000 Different thoughts?

01:54:49.000 And then just thinking about stuff non-stop.

01:54:53.000 Well, you see, you're saying to me two different contradictory things.

01:54:57.000 You're saying that you want peace, and you want calm, and then you're saying you want to start running shows.

01:55:02.000 And then you're saying you want to start having multiple careers.

01:55:06.000 No, no.

01:55:06.000 I want to be able to work, come into town, do a gig.

01:55:11.000 You can't be a showrunner.

01:55:13.000 Work on a thing for like...

01:55:14.000 See, the show that I'm on is ten episodes.

01:55:16.000 Right.

01:55:17.000 And we worked on that for five months.

01:55:21.000 And then I wanted to do nothing else.

01:55:23.000 Right, but you know that when you work on a show, you're working 16-hour days.

01:55:27.000 Like, if you want to be a showrunner for a successful show, the amount of time that's required to actually make something take off is massive.

01:55:34.000 And you have to manage a bunch of different people and expectations.

01:55:38.000 But it's a portion of your year.

01:55:41.000 Yeah.

01:55:41.000 So it'd be like working seasonal work, almost.

01:55:45.000 Right.

01:55:46.000 For me, that's the ideal version is to...

01:55:50.000 Act on a show that has an episode order and then go back to Santa Barbara and then do nothing.

01:55:58.000 It's not a bad idea.

01:55:59.000 And then come back and be able to just control your own work is really what I want to do.

01:56:06.000 You need the financial freedom to be able to do that.

01:56:09.000 And then those shows pay really well.

01:56:12.000 So I'm just trying to map out, and I don't have the answer.

01:56:15.000 I'm thinking, and this is certainly not something I'm doing right now, but again, when you work seasonally, then you can really take some time to just hang out and read on a deck and make dinner. 0.71

01:56:26.000 And that's your go shop for an individual meal every day or go and fish and do shit like that. 0.54

01:56:32.000 Yeah, you seem like you're longing for this idealistic view of peace and quiet while pursuing chaos. 0.96

01:56:40.000 Yeah.

01:56:42.000 They're very contradictory.

01:56:43.000 Do you understand what I'm saying?

01:56:44.000 Oh, totally.

01:56:45.000 Well, this is something I promised myself. 0.99

01:56:47.000 I was going to bust my ass until I was 50 and I'm about to turn 46 and then just take it as it comes. 0.98

01:56:55.000 When realistically I should just take it as it comes right now and not... 0.99

01:57:00.000 I hustle really hard, you know.

01:57:04.000 Ten things going on.

01:57:06.000 Yeah, it's a weird balancing act, trying to figure out how to manage your life for ultimate happiness.

01:57:11.000 And then sometimes, like, the real ultimate happiness comes after you've had struggle.

01:57:18.000 Like, you only really appreciate sunlight if you get a lot of rain.

01:57:22.000 Like, I went to Prince of Wales Island in Alaska for six days once, and we were up there camping. 0.98

01:57:28.000 It's fucking miserable, pouring rain every day. 0.99

01:57:31.000 But when I came back to L.A., God damn, I was happy. 1.00

01:57:35.000 The sunlight felt so good. 0.98

01:57:37.000 I mean, it felt, it's like the sunlight's out there right now. 0.98

01:57:40.000 It doesn't feel like shit. 0.96

01:57:41.000 I get in my car. 0.96

01:57:42.000 God, it's hot.

01:57:43.000 I drive off.

01:57:43.000 I don't appreciate it.

01:57:45.000 But when I came back from Alaska, I really fucking appreciated it. 0.84

01:57:48.000 And I feel like some amount of the peace and quiet that we seek and we enjoy, you're only going to appreciate if you struggle. 0.99

01:57:56.000 Like, you're only gonna appreciate, like, real relaxation, feet up at the beach, if you've been busting your ass. 0.97

01:58:02.000 For me, what I think, a tremendous amount of... 0.95

01:58:07.000 Calm comes from is, and this is, I don't know, you can tell me, is just financial freedom.

01:58:14.000 Like I don't have a house payment hanging over my head and I don't have all this stuff that I'm just worried about.

01:58:19.000 And I tend to worry a lot about that stuff.

01:58:23.000 That's why I work my ass off.

01:58:25.000 Like I really want to just, and I'm overcomplicating my life. 0.91

01:58:29.000 But I am, and you see me, I'm a happy guy, but I just, when you're waking up in the middle of the night at 2 o'clock in the morning, thinking about all the shit that you have to do, you have to pare some stuff down.

01:58:41.000 Yeah, there's that for sure.

01:58:42.000 When you're financially free, it removes a gigantic burden.

01:58:47.000 I remember my first development deal.

01:58:49.000 That was the first thing I felt.

01:58:50.000 I got a development deal way back in the 90s.

01:58:53.000 And the first thing that happened, they sent me this big fat check, and all of a sudden I felt lighter.

01:58:58.000 Like something like I took a backpack off filled with rocks.

01:59:02.000 Like, now I knew that I could pay my bills.

01:59:05.000 For the foreseeable future, I was gonna be able to pay my bills for the next, like, more than a year if I wanted to.

01:59:11.000 Do nothing!

01:59:11.000 Sit back for a year and live the way I'm living, I'd have no problem paying my bills.

01:59:15.000 And, uh, it was a very tangible feeling, like, okay.

01:59:20.000 Now that I have this momentum, I've got to keep this going because I don't ever want to go back to that feeling of not being able to pay my bills.

01:59:26.000 Because that's the real struggle.

01:59:28.000 The real struggle is like financial independence.

01:59:31.000 Once you become financially independent, then there's levels to it. 0.96

01:59:35.000 You know, like you want to have one of those Montecito houses or have a fucking private jet or you want to get crazier and crazier and crazier. 0.97

01:59:41.000 You're just overly complicating yourself. 0.99

01:59:43.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:59:43.000 It's like the assistant thing.

01:59:46.000 Exactly.

01:59:47.000 That's because, so I feel like this level right here, so I'm living in the house that I want to live in.

01:59:53.000 I'm not, I'm never moving.

01:59:55.000 We're good.

01:59:56.000 In terms of the LA, sort of raising my kids' house, like, we're in a great little place.

02:00:02.000 Love it.

02:00:03.000 I live in Pasadena.

02:00:05.000 You have wildlife in your yard.

02:00:07.000 You send me pictures of deer in your yard.

02:00:08.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:00:09.000 There's deer, coyotes, you know, and all kinds of stuff.

02:00:13.000 Bobcat jumped out behind me the other day.

02:00:15.000 Jesus.

02:00:15.000 There's bears in Pasadena.

02:00:17.000 Do you know that?

02:00:18.000 They jump into people's pools. 0.99

02:00:19.000 Only in those black neighborhoods. 1.00

02:00:22.000 Racist. 1.00

02:00:23.000 Black bears, too. 0.99

02:00:24.000 How weird.

02:00:25.000 Totally.

02:00:29.000 I'm cool.

02:00:30.000 I don't need to fly private.

02:00:33.000 I'm sure that's nice.

02:00:34.000 I have no aspirations.

02:00:36.000 Again, I just want to live comfortably.

02:00:39.000 But once you fly in first class, It's difficult to go sit by the bathroom in between two other people.

02:00:46.000 So there's certain luxuries that I want to be able to afford. 0.94

02:00:50.000 But again, I just want to chill out, hang out in the backyard, have a drink with my wife, and fucking have people over and barbecue. 0.97

02:00:58.000 Right. 0.97

02:00:59.000 That's it.

02:00:59.000 That's all I'm after.

02:01:01.000 That's totally doable.

02:01:02.000 If you can be content with that, that's very peaceful and that's a great thing.

02:01:05.000 And then also getting satisfaction out of creating stuff and making stuff and working at the same time. 0.94

02:01:11.000 And even if it's shit that this guy that I bought this house from left me his table saw. 0.94

02:01:17.000 And all a bunch of wood. 0.99

02:01:20.000 Is he making furniture?

02:01:21.000 What are you doing?

02:01:22.000 Are you making furniture?

02:01:23.000 I'm not doing anything with it.

02:01:24.000 Are you thinking about doing something with it?

02:01:25.000 I'm thinking about, like, I gotta use this stuff.

02:01:27.000 Do you know how to use a table saw?

02:01:28.000 No.

02:01:29.000 Well, learn. 1.00

02:01:30.000 Don't cut your fucking fingers off. 1.00

02:01:31.000 No, never. 1.00

02:01:31.000 No, no, no, no. 1.00

02:01:32.000 I was like, just no thumbs.

02:01:36.000 No.

02:01:37.000 What are you going to make?

02:01:39.000 He left some birdhouse stuff there.

02:01:42.000 I just want to be the old man that tinkers and makes shelves and stuff like that for people.

02:01:48.000 My dad was an artist and my uncle John is an artist.

02:01:53.000 And, you know, put together these sculptures with all wood and he was like a very skilled carpenter. 0.99

02:01:59.000 So I always like looked at those guys thinking I got to do this shit. 0.99

02:02:04.000 And I just want to like, yeah, there's a bunch of shit I like to do like that. 0.99

02:02:07.000 Like I want to tinker. 0.94

02:02:08.000 I want to fly fish.

02:02:10.000 Fly fishing is fun.

02:02:11.000 See?

02:02:12.000 I used to fly fish a lot.

02:02:13.000 There's a casting thing in the Arroyo in Pasadena where there's a Arroyo casting club where it's all these old men just practicing. 0.95

02:02:22.000 Where do they fly fishing in Pasadena?

02:02:24.000 Is there a river there?

02:02:25.000 No, there's a whole place where it's like they've...

02:02:28.000 It's just a body of water where they...

02:02:31.000 Oh, just like a little pond?

02:02:33.000 Yeah.

02:02:34.000 Oh, so then they go out, they take trips to places?

02:02:37.000 Yeah, they'll go out and they'll go to the Sierra and...

02:02:39.000 I was in Bozeman this summer, Bozeman, Montana, and we went by this place where all these people were fly fishing, and it made me so excited.

02:02:48.000 I'm like, God, I want to go back and do that.

02:02:49.000 But it was weird because they catch and release.

02:02:53.000 And I was like, okay, now you're weirding me out.

02:02:55.000 Because you're just putting a hole in that fish's face, and you're letting them back. 1.00

02:02:58.000 Like, this is kind of fucked up. 0.99

02:03:00.000 My buddy, Daily Show guy, just went to Russia to go fly fishing. 0.99

02:03:04.000 He's super into it.

02:03:05.000 And he bought a place in upstate New York that has a river right by it.

02:03:09.000 He's in it all the time.

02:03:10.000 That's what he goes up for. 0.58

02:03:11.000 Well, if you can do like a place where you can catch the fish and eat it, god damn, on the shore, if you have a little cast iron frying pan, make a little campfire and have some shore lunch, oh, it's so delicious.

02:03:22.000 See, for me, that is the sort of ultimate, hanging out with my wife, having a glass of wine, doing that, reading, and then going to bed.

02:03:31.000 But do you really want to do it, or do you like the romantic idea of doing it? 0.97

02:03:35.000 We're going to fucking find out.

02:03:37.000 But right now, it's just the romantic idea of doing it. 0.98

02:03:40.000 Oh, totally.

02:03:40.000 Yeah, but I do like going, we've gone away in a couple times, like, my kids are just at the point where they went away for a sleepover, and this only happened one time.

02:03:48.000 And me and my wife drove up into Altadena and heard about this hike that people do and took the dogs and went on this hike and we had a blast.

02:03:57.000 And I know that if I can mix in the proper amount of work and the proper amount of just chilling out, I'll love it.

02:04:05.000 I have three hammocks in my backyard that I don't use.

02:04:07.000 I barely land them.

02:04:09.000 Yeah, so this is what I'm getting out of you.

02:04:10.000 I'm getting that you're thinking about this romantic idea of relaxation and peace and quiet.

02:04:17.000 Look at RVs constantly.

02:04:18.000 Look at vacation homes nonstop.

02:04:20.000 But meanwhile, you're also planning on doing a bunch of shows and being an executive producer and a showrunner and a writer and a stand-up performer and you're acting and... 0.99

02:04:31.000 Yeah, I got a ton of shit going on. 0.99

02:04:32.000 And you're yelling at people. 1.00

02:04:33.000 Yelling at people unnecessarily.

02:04:36.000 Talking about eventually getting to a cognitive therapist and eventually starting meditation.

02:04:42.000 It's like you have this idea that you- Just do it now.

02:04:43.000 Yeah.

02:04:44.000 Well, yeah, for sure.

02:04:45.000 Yeah, you should have already done it.

02:04:46.000 All these things you should have already done.

02:04:49.000 So this is the problem with me is money.

02:04:51.000 Okay, so the ATC I don't do for any money.

02:04:54.000 I've put nothing but money in, so that's not about money at all.

02:04:57.000 So that's starting like I started my stand-up career.

02:05:00.000 Eventually, that'll be great.

02:05:02.000 I know it will.

02:05:03.000 It takes a lot of work, but that's just...

02:05:05.000 What is the idea behind it?

02:05:08.000 All Things Comedy, by the way.

02:05:10.000 All Things Comedy is...

02:05:12.000 Me and Bill came up with the idea that comedians should own and distribute all of their own content.

02:05:19.000 When I first showed up in LA, I worked on a TV show with Cheech from Cheech and Chong, who told me to do two things.

02:05:27.000 He goes, be nice to every single person you meet out in the public. 0.98

02:05:31.000 Every busboy who's going to have the Cheech is an asshole story if you're a dick to anybody, so try to be nice to as many people as you can. 0.96

02:05:38.000 And then he goes, also, you want to own every single piece of content you ever put out there. 0.99

02:05:44.000 And he goes, I owned all the movies and I owned all the albums.

02:05:48.000 So every single day there's all this mailbox money.

02:05:52.000 But as comedians, everybody's starting all these podcasts.

02:05:55.000 And this is 2010. So we do all the paperwork.

02:05:59.000 We finally get the company.

02:06:01.000 And we take a big chunk of the company.

02:06:03.000 And we say, okay, everyone that participates in this network, this is the board of directors, Tom Segura, Bert Kreischer, Hari Shafir, Dave Anthony, myself, Bill Burr.

02:06:16.000 And we help guide this place in the right direction.

02:06:20.000 So when a new comic wants to come on, all of us sort of go, do we want this person on now?

02:06:25.000 For example, John Reap and Sarah Tiana are going to start a podcast.

02:06:29.000 I approached...

02:06:30.000 John Reap called me and I talked to Sarah and put them together.

02:06:33.000 Felipe Esparza saw that no Latinos are doing podcasts. 0.95

02:06:37.000 I know Felipe's fucking hilarious. 0.99

02:06:39.000 And instead of being all alike to the other Latino comedians or competitive, I was like, Felipe, you've got to do a fucking podcast. 0.99

02:06:45.000 And he started one called What's Up, Fool? 0.99

02:06:47.000 Does Great. 0.89

02:06:49.000 And it's helped out as numbers and everything like that.

02:06:52.000 So we all collectively own this company together that distributes our content.

02:06:57.000 So this content starts with podcasts, but then eventually we're going to start our own studio.

02:07:01.000 We are redoing our website right now.

02:07:04.000 We are going to start selling our own TV shows. 0.99

02:07:08.000 Bert did a cooking show called Something's Burning with fucking... 0.99

02:07:14.000 Tom and Bill watching. 1.00

02:07:15.000 The most unsanitary chef you've ever seen in your entire fucking life. 1.00

02:07:18.000 I heard he was playing with his nose. 1.00

02:07:19.000 He was touching his nose.

02:07:21.000 While he was cooking.

02:07:22.000 And Bill's like, can you touch your nose one more time? 1.00

02:07:25.000 I'm not going to eat any of that shit. 1.00

02:07:26.000 No one's going to eat that shit. 1.00

02:07:28.000 And they're fucking yelling at each other while they're cooking. 1.00

02:07:31.000 And Bert just dumped a bunch of oil down the sink. 0.99

02:07:34.000 Yeah.

02:07:36.000 We're making that.

02:07:37.000 And we shot for an hour and Tom and Bill were hunched over laughing.

02:07:42.000 I was in the back just cracking up because I couldn't believe what I was watching.

02:07:47.000 What are you doing with it?

02:07:48.000 That should be a show.

02:07:50.000 Is it on anything right now?

02:07:51.000 So it's going to be on ATC.com or we're going to sell it as an individual thing.

02:07:56.000 But you did it a long time ago.

02:07:57.000 No, we just shot it.

02:07:58.000 This was like three weeks.

02:07:59.000 A couple months ago.

02:08:00.000 Three weeks ago.

02:08:00.000 Yeah, two weeks ago, three weeks.

02:08:02.000 Not two weeks ago.

02:08:02.000 Three, four weeks ago.

02:08:04.000 And you just haven't edited it?

02:08:06.000 They're editing it right now.

02:08:07.000 They're just putting it together.

02:08:08.000 So do you have a group of editors and stuff?

02:08:10.000 So we partner with this company called Soapbox Films that has 15 editors, animators, all these people on staff.

02:08:16.000 So when you come by, you'll see that we have two full stages.

02:08:20.000 We have a green screen, white psych.

02:08:22.000 You have color corrections, sound mixing studios.

02:08:27.000 And then they gave us...

02:08:29.000 Our podcast studio, two different offices, and then other meeting rooms as part of an investment in us.

02:08:37.000 Wow.

02:08:38.000 So anyway, but everybody owns everything.

02:08:41.000 We have ATC Records that, again, I haven't had the time.

02:08:44.000 We're just staffing up right now because we took on a little bit of money.

02:08:48.000 You took on money?

02:08:49.000 You mean you got investors?

02:08:50.000 Yeah, we got investors.

02:08:52.000 Somebody's given us a million bucks.

02:08:55.000 Jesus.

02:08:56.000 Yeah.

02:08:56.000 So the idea behind it is you're kind of acting as a network.

02:09:00.000 We're going to turn it into our own network.

02:09:02.000 It's going to be like United Artists, and when the shows sell, it's going to be full transparency.

02:09:09.000 When, let's say, something's burning, goes up, and people start buying it, Bert is going to look at his back end and know exactly, you know, the money has to be recouped, and then, you know...

02:09:22.000 The money is split.

02:09:23.000 Interesting.

02:09:24.000 He'll just get access.

02:09:25.000 Like, Burt will own that.

02:09:26.000 If there's a TV show that gets made out of that and it becomes popular...

02:09:31.000 And is the idea behind it that there's strength in numbers?

02:09:35.000 Yeah, we all really help each other out, too.

02:09:37.000 Like, if, for example, I get the special coming out, everyone's going to help me get behind it.

02:09:42.000 When Burt's special comes out, everybody, you know, goes crazy.

02:09:45.000 We all sort of do that anyway.

02:09:46.000 Yeah, we all do that anyway.

02:09:47.000 That's what I'm saying.

02:09:48.000 But this is a collection.

02:09:49.000 This is like...

02:09:51.000 This is an association of comics working together to promote each other.

02:09:58.000 And so, like, if you guys have a podcast on the All Things Comedy label, everyone knows, well, this is going to be pretty high quality because a bunch of comedians are...

02:10:06.000 It's going to be a better show.

02:10:07.000 We're going to rein that in a little bit, like you said.

02:10:10.000 But for the most part, we have a lot of people contacting us, and it's all a community of our peers that we all really like and...

02:10:18.000 Are you enjoying that or is that bringing you extra stress?

02:10:21.000 It brings me a little extra stress because I put some money in.

02:10:24.000 It's definitely something I'm looking at getting to a point and empowering other people who have some other comics coming in to help me.

02:10:31.000 We work on creative stuff.

02:10:33.000 But is it making money?

02:10:34.000 Or is it...

02:10:35.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

02:10:35.000 So we just, you know, we haven't put out any of our TV shows yet.

02:10:39.000 I mean, I hope to have TV shows on the air.

02:10:41.000 It's like Funny or Die makes money off branded.

02:10:45.000 I got to have companies come to us and want scripts written, and I was able to give...

02:10:52.000 Gigs to guys I knew on The Daily Show where they get paid $45,000 to write a script for a corporation.

02:10:59.000 Oh, wow.

02:11:00.000 And all those types of gigs, we can serve as the agency for that.

02:11:05.000 I can match Tom Papa up with a company so he can write their ad copy just to bring him extra side money.

02:11:13.000 We can... 0.93

02:11:16.000 Do branded content, integrated marketing and all that shit and have the comedians own the company that does that. 1.00

02:11:21.000 Comedians are responsible for so much fucking content. 0.99

02:11:24.000 It's books, it's TV shows, it's movies. 0.99

02:11:27.000 It's just like you think about these comics are producing so much great shit that why shouldn't all the comics have a company that distributes all that stuff? 0.62

02:11:36.000 Well, it's interesting because there's a bunch of groups that are coming along right now that are trying to capitalize on podcasting. 0.98

02:11:41.000 And one of the things that's fascinating, I had a conversation with A friend of ours who's got a podcast and his agency or his management company that suck.

02:11:50.000 Now are telling him they want a piece of the podcast. 1.00

02:11:53.000 Fuck you. 1.00

02:11:54.000 And for the longest time, they were telling him he was wasting his time doing a podcast. 1.00

02:11:59.000 And they were saying, you need to worry about getting a scripted show, getting a this and a that.

02:12:04.000 And he was like, I really think that there's something in podcasts.

02:12:07.000 So they were negative.

02:12:10.000 And they were criticizing his efforts.

02:12:12.000 And now they want a piece of it.

02:12:14.000 And he's baffled.

02:12:15.000 And he doesn't know what to do.

02:12:16.000 I'm like, you've got to leave them.

02:12:17.000 You've got to leave them.

02:12:19.000 Absolutely not.

02:12:20.000 Yeah, they're not doing anything for you.

02:12:21.000 Yeah, haven't talked to me.

02:12:22.000 There's no sense, and you're doing it.

02:12:26.000 It's like, this is something, just like your stand-up career, that you really don't, now because of the technology, you don't need an intro to the establishment.

02:12:36.000 When you're a young stand-up comedian, you need a manager and an agent to usher you into the established group of people.

02:12:47.000 Decision makers.

02:12:48.000 Right.

02:12:48.000 When you're a podcaster and your podcast becomes popular, it's you and a room and that microphone and the people that listen.

02:12:56.000 And there's really, because you're putting out a good product, you don't need somebody to tell you, like, it's okay to do it or you're going to be on this network.

02:13:05.000 Like, it doesn't matter.

02:13:07.000 You can do it by yourself.

02:13:08.000 And that's another thing that I encourage all people to do.

02:13:11.000 And this is why I'm able to, like...

02:13:14.000 Even though I'm stressed out.

02:13:15.000 I wake up in the middle of the night. 0.81

02:13:17.000 There's a lot of contradictory shit going on, and I'm looking at vacation homes. 0.93

02:13:21.000 I love it. 0.97

02:13:23.000 I fucking love doing what I'm doing.

02:13:25.000 I really do. 0.97

02:13:26.000 Well, that's great.

02:13:27.000 I love doing stand-up.

02:13:28.000 I love the acting.

02:13:29.000 I love it all.

02:13:31.000 And to follow your bliss, you know, and to really...

02:13:34.000 I was firing people, and like you said, you have to be up in the rain to appreciate the sunshine.

02:13:38.000 It's like...

02:13:39.000 That's where I was when I was working for somebody else, even though that somebody else was my parents.

02:13:43.000 And so I got down into stand-up. 0.99

02:13:46.000 I'm like, look at all this great shit. 0.99

02:13:49.000 Even writing jokes are free for Tim Allen. 0.99

02:13:51.000 I didn't have to do that.

02:13:52.000 I love doing all this stuff.

02:13:54.000 And so I'm really thrilled.

02:13:57.000 The people that we get to associate with and the people we get to meet and what happens when you do something you love, it all just sort of comes together. 0.99

02:14:05.000 So, I feel very fortunate that way that I get to do all this shit. 0.98

02:14:09.000 And even though I need to say no and I need to pare it down, I'm still having a fucking blast. 0.99

02:14:14.000 Well, it's good that you're having a blast, but my advice to you is just do all those things that you're talking about. 0.90

02:14:19.000 Like, especially do all those things as far as, like, meditation.

02:14:22.000 Do all those things, like, whatever the cognitive therapy issue that you have to deal with.

02:14:26.000 Just go do that. 0.90

02:14:27.000 Yeah.

02:14:27.000 Because you talk about it too much.

02:14:29.000 I know.

02:14:30.000 Yeah, like, you and I have had, like...

02:14:32.000 30 conversations about your temper?

02:14:34.000 Yeah.

02:14:34.000 You know, over like 10 years?

02:14:36.000 Like, that's crazy.

02:14:38.000 And nothing's changed.

02:14:42.000 It's less.

02:14:43.000 Because you've gotten more and more aware of it, right?

02:14:46.000 I'm totally aware of it.

02:14:47.000 Right.

02:14:47.000 Yeah.

02:14:48.000 I've been so cool.

02:14:50.000 There has not been an incident in a while.

02:14:53.000 Except that other night with Steve-O. Well, that was a long time ago.

02:14:57.000 Okay.

02:14:58.000 That was a long time ago.

02:14:59.000 The other night, we were talking about the person that got an applause break.

02:15:02.000 Oh, yeah.

02:15:06.000 That was last week. 1.00

02:15:07.000 That's just fucking me being an asshole. 1.00

02:15:10.000 I get it. 1.00

02:15:11.000 And again, also, you know me for a long time.

02:15:13.000 I'm not.

02:15:14.000 It's also you caring about comedy.

02:15:16.000 It's me really caring too much about comedy. 0.96

02:15:19.000 It's me being, again, sacrificing a lot to do what I'm doing and then seeing other people just trying to fucking take advantage. 0.94

02:15:30.000 Yeah.

02:15:30.000 Like, I love the idea of all things comedy, but I don't want to do anything like that myself.

02:15:35.000 It seems to me like, God, you're invested in yourself and a whole bunch of other people's problems.

02:15:39.000 You know, what I've kind of done is form a network without having an actual network.

02:15:43.000 Whereas all the people that I'm friends with, whether it's Tom or Joey or Duncan, I help them.

02:15:49.000 I promote them just by just doing it.

02:15:52.000 I don't want any...

02:15:54.000 I don't want any financial connection to it. 0.98

02:15:57.000 You know, I don't even have a fucking contract with my manager. 0.97

02:16:00.000 We've been together for so long. 0.98

02:16:02.000 I don't either.

02:16:03.000 Our contract came up, and I go, I don't need a contract.

02:16:06.000 Do you need a contract?

02:16:07.000 He's like, no.

02:16:08.000 I'm like, good.

02:16:08.000 Shook hands, gave him a hug.

02:16:10.000 So we don't have to fucking nonsense, legal shit. 1.00

02:16:13.000 I'm never leaving him. 1.00

02:16:14.000 I've been with him since I was an open-miker.

02:16:16.000 I'm not going anywhere.

02:16:17.000 And that's also, when we shot that Bert thing again, there's no contract.

02:16:26.000 Beautiful.

02:16:26.000 Shake hands.

02:16:27.000 Again, I would die before I fucked anybody over. 1.00

02:16:32.000 I really would die. 0.99

02:16:33.000 And so there's no contracts with us.

02:16:35.000 We're going to put that out there, whether it's for free or whatever. 0.99

02:16:41.000 We're going to start making shit. 0.98

02:16:42.000 And the most important thing is you're having a good time. 0.99

02:16:44.000 Having a great time.

02:16:45.000 That's the most important thing.

02:16:46.000 Hunched over laughing.

02:16:47.000 Couldn't stop.

02:16:48.000 Isn't that like the best part about this whole thing is that you get a chance to hang out with comics.

02:16:52.000 You get a chance to have a good time.

02:16:54.000 And the more you do that, the better stuff you put out.

02:16:57.000 The more you're in that vibe, in that group of humans.

02:17:01.000 Just having a good time.

02:17:02.000 You're putting out those good vibes.

02:17:04.000 You're getting them back.

02:17:05.000 Everybody's producing good stuff. 0.68

02:17:07.000 Again, I can't stress enough to people listening and just finding that thing that you really like to do and doing it is so fucking important.

02:17:18.000 I don't know what it is, but if you've had something itching at you, because that's the thing with my parents' family business and even knowing I wanted...

02:17:25.000 I knew I wanted to be a stand-up comic forever.

02:17:28.000 And it took me a while to figure it out.

02:17:31.000 So that's when I come down here and I'm racing around like really trying to cram it all in or whatever is behind it.

02:17:37.000 But I just wish that's a regret I do have.

02:17:40.000 I just started earlier.

02:17:42.000 How old were you when you started standing up?

02:17:44.000 28. Yeah, I was 21. It's one of those things though, man.

02:17:49.000 I mean, Robert Schimmel started when he was 36. You start whenever you start.

02:17:53.000 Yeah.

02:17:54.000 You know, it doesn't matter.

02:17:55.000 And I think oftentimes whatever extra life that you have before you start is probably going to help you.

02:18:01.000 Because when I started, I was a baby. 0.96

02:18:04.000 You know, I didn't know shit about life. 0.91

02:18:06.000 Yeah, when I did start, I was doing sales and shit like that. 0.89

02:18:09.000 I was calm and cool on stage.

02:18:10.000 You've met life.

02:18:11.000 You've met life.

02:18:12.000 You've hung out with life.

02:18:13.000 You've been there.

02:18:14.000 You got down in nitty gritty.

02:18:16.000 I went essentially a couple years out of high school.

02:18:19.000 I became a comic.

02:18:21.000 You know, and I was out there doing the life.

02:18:23.000 I've never done anything but. 0.99

02:18:24.000 You know, I've done a bunch of shit along with it. 0.57

02:18:27.000 But if there was ever, like, a question, someone said, oh, you have to quit everything except one thing. 0.63

02:18:32.000 What's it gonna be?

02:18:32.000 I'm like, pfft, that's easy.

02:18:35.000 Stand up. 1.00

02:18:36.000 Everything else can go fuck itself. 1.00

02:18:37.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

02:18:38.000 Without a doubt.

02:18:38.000 For sure.

02:18:39.000 Because that's the thing, as a stand-up comic, we just always have this, the skills to go out, earn a living.

02:18:46.000 For all Jay Leno's faults, he has said some pretty great stuff about...

02:18:51.000 There's a book called Comic Insights by Franklin Ajay, where he used to teach this at UCLA. And if you go through his interviews with Richard Jenny and Chris Rock and Jay Leno, and Jay Leno says it takes you seven years...

02:19:05.000 It's like a law degree.

02:19:06.000 It takes you seven years to get your law degree, and then it takes you another seven years to be a good lawyer.

02:19:11.000 And then it takes you seven years to sort of figure out who you are as a comic, and then another seven years to be a great comic.

02:19:18.000 So around year 14, 15, you really start hitting your stride because you're great at it.

02:19:23.000 You're getting better at it.

02:19:26.000 To do that at around seven years, he goes, you can start making a living.

02:19:31.000 You can start really...

02:19:32.000 You can quit your day job and really start making a fine living for your family.

02:19:37.000 He goes, you can make at least like 70 to...

02:19:39.000 This is a long time ago, like 70 grand a year.

02:19:41.000 Oh, yeah.

02:19:42.000 It's great living.

02:19:43.000 Yeah.

02:19:43.000 You could live...

02:19:44.000 I've had a bunch of comics on the road that's just living in Indiana, fucking... 1.00

02:19:49.000 The house costs $180,000, a couple kids. 0.99

02:19:53.000 Yeah.

02:19:54.000 Totally happy.

02:19:54.000 It can be done.

02:19:55.000 No question.

02:19:56.000 And it's certainly better than doing something you don't want to do.

02:19:59.000 Exactly.

02:19:59.000 And for whatever, you know, the people that are listening to this and they're like, what is my thing?

02:20:04.000 It's got to be something, man.

02:20:05.000 It's got to be something.

02:20:06.000 It might be making canoes. 0.99

02:20:08.000 Who knows what the fuck it is? 0.99

02:20:09.000 I was so miserable doing that family business. 0.99

02:20:11.000 I started doing stained glass.

02:20:14.000 Stained glass is cool.

02:20:15.000 Yeah.

02:20:15.000 My dad did it.

02:20:16.000 And then I started doing...

02:20:18.000 I was looking for a thing.

02:20:18.000 I volunteered with the big brothers, big sisters.

02:20:21.000 I was just out there like really...

02:20:24.000 And this is, again, when I'm single and had the extra time to do anything.

02:20:28.000 This is when I'm out...

02:20:30.000 And I was just looking for it.

02:20:31.000 And then I knew if I turned 30 and I didn't try stand-up, because it had always been itching at me and people always told me I should do it, then I would never be able to live with myself.

02:20:41.000 So I forced myself to do it, even though I was sort of uncomfortable.

02:20:46.000 Well, this life is like this weird quick blip and it seems long when you're young.

02:20:51.000 But as you get older, I'm pushing 50. I'll be 50 this year.

02:20:55.000 It happens fast.

02:20:57.000 It happens very fast.

02:20:58.000 And if you're not doing what you want to do, it's not a fun time.

02:21:01.000 It's not a good feeling.

02:21:03.000 And we all know that person.

02:21:04.000 We all know that one person that's not doing what they want to do and it eats away at them all the time.

02:21:09.000 Instead of the people that you know that are fulfilled, that are doing things they enjoy, and they're working hard and they're pushing, but they get that good feeling out of it.

02:21:16.000 They're actually pursuing what they love.

02:21:18.000 They actually feel like they're making a difference in their life.

02:21:20.000 They're actually creating something or accomplishing something.

02:21:24.000 That's what you want to do, man.

02:21:26.000 That's the key to getting those good brain chemicals, those good feelings.

02:21:30.000 Having good people in your life, having good friends, being kind to people, enjoying your time in this life, and then doing that thing that is actually interesting to your personality and your mind.

02:21:41.000 It's so important.

02:21:42.000 And, yeah, taking a step away from work.

02:21:48.000 Again, those deathbed lists, you've got to look at these deathbeds.

02:21:51.000 I don't want to.

02:21:51.000 No?

02:21:52.000 Nope.

02:21:53.000 Don't want to look at regret.

02:21:54.000 I get it.

02:21:56.000 Yeah, I get it.

02:21:57.000 I work hard.

02:21:58.000 I know what I'm doing.

02:21:59.000 I mean, I'm no perfect person by any stretch of the imagination, but I don't need to look at regret.

02:22:04.000 I'm focused on that all the time.

02:22:06.000 I'm trying to focus on positive things.

02:22:08.000 I'm absolutely aware of the consequences.

02:22:10.000 You know, I've contemplated it enough.

02:22:13.000 It's just not... 1.00

02:22:13.000 I think you could spend enough time focusing on negative shit like what people should have done and it can fuck with your head. 1.00

02:22:21.000 Yeah, I just don't want to look up when I'm 70 and go, we're... 1.00

02:22:26.000 Don't.

02:22:26.000 You won't.

02:22:27.000 You won't.

02:22:27.000 I'm not gonna.

02:22:29.000 If I died tomorrow, I wouldn't.

02:22:32.000 I'm good.

02:22:33.000 You just gotta keep going.

02:22:34.000 You just gotta keep enjoying it.

02:22:35.000 You know, and who knows what this thing really even is.

02:22:38.000 It's the weirdest thing about this life.

02:22:40.000 It's like, what is it?

02:22:41.000 I mean, we look at it in terms of this, like...

02:22:45.000 Sort of solidified structure of waking up with the alarm clock, getting in your car, driving to work.

02:22:50.000 Meanwhile, the entire time this is going on, you're a finite life form on a planet in an infinite universe.

02:22:57.000 I mean, all of it is preposterous from the beginning to the end. 0.97

02:23:00.000 All of it's ridiculous. 0.96

02:23:01.000 And the more you look into it and the more you really contemplate the absolute Just massive scale of this universe that we live in, the more it seems ridiculous. 0.83

02:23:14.000 And the little things that are keeping you up at night and waking you up at 2 o'clock in the morning, the anxiety.

02:23:19.000 Yeah, it's like insurance. 0.83

02:23:20.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

02:23:21.000 Yeah, it's ridiculous shit. 1.00

02:23:22.000 Ridiculous shit. 1.00

02:23:23.000 It's just a matter of perspective. 1.00

02:23:25.000 But I think it's also a matter of the human body.

02:23:27.000 I think the human body is designed to have a certain amount of stress, a certain amount of worries.

02:23:31.000 The reason why we survived is because we worried about predators or invaders and all these different things.

02:23:36.000 Those things don't exist anymore.

02:23:38.000 So we give ourselves issues.

02:23:40.000 We give ourselves problems.

02:23:41.000 And I think the way to mitigate that is to...

02:23:45.000 Exercise, both in a sense of like a physical sense, but also like almost in like a demonic exorcist.

02:23:52.000 Like get, exercise all that stress out of your body.

02:23:56.000 Like your body does not want to be like this overflowing battery of stress and tension and energy.

02:24:05.000 And when it is, it starts fucking with you to try to give you pressure and stress and give you like consequences for this anxiety.

02:24:13.000 Yeah, I just have this... 0.64

02:24:14.000 It's an insatiable drive that leads to that sort of debilitating stress and anxiety that I don't like.

02:24:26.000 So I think it's like what we're talking about, this is actually very helpful. 0.99

02:24:29.000 You know, I don't talk to anybody about this shit. 0.99

02:24:32.000 I just talked to a doctor about it for the first time. 0.99

02:24:34.000 Why are you talking to the whole world then?

02:24:35.000 I don't know.

02:24:38.000 Five million people are going to listen to this.

02:24:40.000 Jesus Christ.

02:24:41.000 All right, I'm working on it, everybody.

02:24:42.000 All right?

02:24:43.000 I know I'm an absolute mess.

02:24:44.000 If you listen this far, I'm- You're definitely not an absolute mess.

02:24:48.000 I'm working on it.

02:24:48.000 You, like all of us, have issues.

02:24:50.000 Yeah.

02:24:50.000 Everybody listening has issues.

02:24:51.000 There's no perfect people.

02:24:53.000 And I really, at this doctor's appointment, I just looked at it, and my wife is aware of all this.

02:25:01.000 And close friends are.

02:25:03.000 But I talked to this doctor for the first time.

02:25:05.000 I was talking to a complete stranger about it.

02:25:07.000 And all you people about it is very, very new.

02:25:11.000 I don't...

02:25:12.000 And people are always aware that, you know, everybody laughs at me. 1.00

02:25:14.000 Fucking stories of me telling people to go fuck off. 1.00

02:25:18.000 And they're funny. 1.00

02:25:19.000 Well, you know why it's funny?

02:25:21.000 You're not violent. 0.92

02:25:23.000 If you meet me, by the way, at the comedy store, and it's like, I really am the fucking nicest guy. 0.67

02:25:30.000 I am.

02:25:31.000 I'm a very nice dude. 0.99

02:25:33.000 But when pushed and pushed and pushed, I fucking lose my mind. 0.98

02:25:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:25:37.000 And when I see that there's comedy injustice going on, I'm like, fuck that asshole. 1.00

02:25:44.000 Fuck that dick. 1.00

02:25:46.000 Yeah, because it's important to you. 1.00

02:25:47.000 It is.

02:25:48.000 I get it.

02:25:49.000 Well, this is a consequence of all your ambition.

02:25:51.000 I mean, that's where all the stress is coming from.

02:25:52.000 It's a consequence of you, and it's also one of the reasons why you've been so successful, that you're constantly pushing and making things happen and getting things done.

02:25:59.000 But occasionally, you're going to spin your wheels.

02:26:00.000 I like to come back.

02:26:03.000 Like a complete person?

02:26:05.000 No, but improved.

02:26:06.000 That's not going to happen.

02:26:07.000 But the next time I come back on this show...

02:26:09.000 Okay.

02:26:10.000 You're gonna, like...

02:26:12.000 Timeline.

02:26:13.000 There's gonna be a little timeline, actually.

02:26:14.000 Give me a timeline.

02:26:15.000 Oh! 0.60

02:26:16.000 Um... 1.00

02:26:17.000 Shit. 1.00

02:26:18.000 I'm going on vacation. 1.00

02:26:19.000 A long vacation.

02:26:21.000 I used to flip out on vacation.

02:26:22.000 How long are you going on vacation for?

02:26:24.000 I'm gonna go away for ten days.

02:26:25.000 Is that a long time?

02:26:26.000 Oh.

02:26:28.000 On day three, I start getting fidgety.

02:26:30.000 Do you start feeling like you have work to do?

02:26:32.000 Yep.

02:26:33.000 I should be doing work.

02:26:34.000 If you go on vacation in Los Angeles, you will get a call to be in a movie. 0.99

02:26:40.000 You'll get a call to do all this other shit. 0.99

02:26:43.000 And that's always what happens to me. 0.98

02:26:46.000 See, I've gotten past that because I don't do anything anymore.

02:26:50.000 I just do podcast and stand-up.

02:26:53.000 And then ten times a year, and that's it.

02:26:55.000 I work for the UFC. That's all I brought.

02:26:58.000 I brought it down to ten times a year.

02:26:59.000 You're a very great spot.

02:27:01.000 Your spot...

02:27:03.000 Is the spot that a lot of us comics want to get to.

02:27:07.000 I mean, let's be honest.

02:27:07.000 You are able to do those things because you have, you know, worked and you put in a lot of time to that.

02:27:16.000 I mean, you working on talk radio and then working on...

02:27:22.000 News radio.

02:27:22.000 News radio, sorry.

02:27:23.000 Newsradio, working on...

02:27:27.000 Fear Factor.

02:27:28.000 Fear Factor and all the UFC stuff.

02:27:30.000 Being a great comic has led to this.

02:27:32.000 You're able to be independent.

02:27:35.000 And that's fantastic.

02:27:37.000 I hope...

02:27:39.000 You definitely can.

02:27:40.000 The Fear Factor thing taught me a lot because it wasn't independent, and I didn't like doing it.

02:27:44.000 And it was a great job, and it was a lot of money, and I would definitely do it again.

02:27:47.000 But it taught me the consequences of doing something that you don't really enjoy.

02:27:52.000 I don't have a passion for it.

02:27:53.000 I love the people I worked with, and again, it was a great job.

02:27:56.000 I'm not complaining.

02:27:57.000 It's like, woe is me.

02:27:58.000 I had a TV gig that won 148 episodes.

02:28:01.000 Crazy.

02:28:02.000 Yeah, I mean, it's a crazy successful show.

02:28:05.000 It wasn't what I wanted it to do.

02:28:06.000 No.

02:28:07.000 So while I was doing it, it made me realize, like, okay, this is not the good feeling.

02:28:11.000 The good feeling is when you're doing things you want to do.

02:28:13.000 So figure out a way, when this is over, never do this again.

02:28:17.000 And so when Fear Factor was over, of course I did it again.

02:28:20.000 When it came back again, because they came with the money.

02:28:25.000 It's so hard because you start thinking, I'm going to squirrel that money away, and then, you know, it's only three days a week.

02:28:29.000 What's the big deal?

02:28:30.000 You work four days, you know, you have four days off, you work three days.

02:28:34.000 You know that guy who's on Big Bang?

02:28:36.000 You know the show Big Bang Theory?

02:28:38.000 Mm-hmm.

02:28:38.000 The sixth lead, the guy, if you guys know the guy with the bowl cut, his name is like Simon Heldberg, I think.

02:28:45.000 He, I heard that he got his deal...

02:28:50.000 For syndication, they wrote him a check for $85 million.

02:28:56.000 Whoa.

02:28:57.000 Yeah.

02:29:01.000 That's a lot of cash.

02:29:04.000 There's the two guys and the main guys.

02:29:06.000 Right.

02:29:06.000 There's the Indian guy.

02:29:08.000 Right.

02:29:08.000 And then he's like the fifth or fourth guy.

02:29:11.000 Okay.

02:29:12.000 Yeah.

02:29:13.000 And you hear about all these shows and backing up the money truck.

02:29:16.000 There's not a lot of those shows anymore, though.

02:29:18.000 There used to be Friends, Seinfeld, all these different shows.

02:29:21.000 Frasier.

02:29:21.000 All those shows.

02:29:22.000 Cheers.

02:29:23.000 Yeah.

02:29:23.000 All those shows.

02:29:24.000 Well, news radio went to syndication, but news radio was never the kind of commercial success that any of these other shows were.

02:29:30.000 It actually became a success in syndication.

02:29:33.000 When news radio was on television, this is when there was not a lot of shows on TV, by the way.

02:29:39.000 There was one time where my friend Lou Morton's one of the writers he would Lou would wear a t-shirt that had the number that we were ranked for the week You know like our Ratings and he came in with the number 88 on his shirt. 0.99

02:29:53.000 I went fuck dude. 0.99

02:29:54.000 We're 88. He's like 88 God damn it. 1.00

02:29:58.000 Are we gonna get cancelled? 0.98

02:30:00.000 And the only time we got cancelled is when I didn't think we were gonna get cancelled which is crazy but I don't remember what my point was.

02:30:08.000 No, it's just you're working on all these shows and you're not doing ideally what you want.

02:30:13.000 But then, you know, you have a wife and kids and the money is so good.

02:30:17.000 I was thinking for the longest time that I wanted to be like an ethnic lab rat on one of those NCIS shows. 0.94

02:30:26.000 Those are the worst.

02:30:27.000 The guy just comes, they come in, the cops come in, and I go, you guys aren't going to like this.

02:30:31.000 Yeah.

02:30:32.000 Those are the worst gigs. 0.99

02:30:34.000 Your sperm came back. 0.99

02:30:35.000 It's not the sperm you think it is. 0.73

02:30:39.000 I always think of guys like David Caruso when I think of those shows.

02:30:42.000 Where they're just kind of sending it in.

02:30:45.000 They're just mailing it in.

02:30:46.000 Do that thing with his glasses.

02:30:47.000 Phoning it in.

02:30:48.000 Yeah, every time.

02:30:49.000 You ever see that compilation of him?

02:30:50.000 Just taking them off.

02:30:51.000 Of just saying corny one-liners and pulling off his glasses?

02:30:55.000 Yep.

02:30:55.000 Yeah.

02:30:56.000 That's what happens to you.

02:30:57.000 Sure.

02:30:58.000 When you do one of those shows, those shows are just designed to keep Grandma awake for another hour. 1.00

02:31:03.000 Sell her Tide and Toyota trucks or whatever the fuck they're selling in the commercials. 0.95

02:31:08.000 And then this brings me back to all things comedy. 1.00

02:31:10.000 So ATC is going to allow just funny people to make their own shit. 0.98

02:31:17.000 And make it and sell it directly to the people without having to worry about this network rigmarole that we've all been piped into. 0.98

02:31:27.000 Right.

02:31:27.000 The network rigmarole that was like a real...

02:31:30.000 There was that option at one point in time that you thought that there was going to be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, like a syndication deal.

02:31:36.000 And now that stuff is almost non-existent.

02:31:39.000 They cut all those deals out.

02:31:41.000 Yeah, for good reason.

02:31:42.000 I heard an awesome Ray Romano story about him getting his check...

02:31:45.000 And he's sitting in one of these Daily Grill type places.

02:31:49.000 It's like Beverly Hills lunch spots where all the agents go.

02:31:54.000 And they go, his agents say, this is a check that you need to probably want to just go walk away.

02:32:03.000 Take a look and privately just walk away.

02:32:06.000 And he goes into the bathroom and he goes in and he opens up the check and he looks at it and he puts it back in.

02:32:12.000 It's for, you know, over $10 million type of thing.

02:32:16.000 And he washes his face and he can't believe it, you know, because this is a guy that was working at a bank.

02:32:22.000 And then he was walking back to the table and four old ladies are sitting there and they go, excuse me! 0.98

02:32:32.000 And he thinks, oh, everybody loves ramen.

02:32:34.000 These ladies say, can you get us some more bread, please, when you have a chance? 1.00

02:32:41.000 And it sort of fucking made him feel like, oh, okay. 1.00

02:32:47.000 Fucking Jesus. 1.00

02:32:48.000 Like, this is crazy that this is happening. 1.00

02:32:51.000 These ladies have no idea who the fuck I am. 1.00

02:32:53.000 They think I'm a waiter. 1.00

02:32:53.000 They're asking me for more water or bread. 1.00

02:32:56.000 And it really took the air out of everything and made him laugh because he just got the fucking sweats. 0.99

02:33:01.000 This is a crazy thing. 0.98

02:33:04.000 There is this pot of gold for some.

02:33:06.000 When I started doing stand-up, and I still have all these deals, that's what's been happening with CBS. I've had my own family sitcom script seven times.

02:33:19.000 And so, like, are they development deals?

02:33:20.000 They give you a...

02:33:21.000 A deal.

02:33:22.000 Slab of cash.

02:33:23.000 Slab of cash and a script.

02:33:25.000 And matched up with the showrunner.

02:33:27.000 Showrunners.

02:33:27.000 Last one is called Call Me Al.

02:33:30.000 Then I wrote another one called Mr. Macho.

02:33:33.000 Mr. Macho.

02:33:34.000 It was a good script.

02:33:36.000 Why the name, though?

02:33:37.000 Oh, flip out. 1.00

02:33:39.000 Hey, if Mexicans making fun of me, you're fucking losing my mind. 1.00

02:33:42.000 Hey, Mr. Macho! 1.00

02:33:43.000 Hey, what's up, bro?

02:33:46.000 Exactly me.

02:33:47.000 Me living in Latino neighborhood, stuff like that.

02:33:49.000 Good stuff.

02:33:50.000 It could be a show.

02:33:52.000 Do you want to do that?

02:33:53.000 Oh, man, to write and have my own single-camera comedy on the air?

02:33:58.000 Yeah.

02:33:58.000 You like that as much as stand-up?

02:34:00.000 I love acting. 0.99

02:34:01.000 I love writing and making shit, yeah. 0.99

02:34:03.000 That's awesome, man. 0.99

02:34:05.000 Yeah.

02:34:05.000 No, I really enjoy it.

02:34:07.000 I got to be in the writer's room when I'm dying up here.

02:34:10.000 It's one of the best experiences I've ever had.

02:34:12.000 And when does that come out?

02:34:13.000 When is that on Showtime?

02:34:13.000 June 4th on Showtime.

02:34:15.000 Beautiful.

02:34:15.000 Yeah, you're going to love it so much.

02:34:16.000 I'm sure.

02:34:17.000 And it's kind of... 1.00

02:34:18.000 Look at you, sexy bitch. 1.00

02:34:20.000 Look at you in that goddamn amazing outfit and that beautiful mustache. 1.00

02:34:24.000 Whoa! 1.00

02:34:25.000 I love it.

02:34:26.000 We should start dressing like that again.

02:34:27.000 Totally feel it.

02:34:28.000 Why not?

02:34:29.000 Look better.

02:34:29.000 Beautiful lapels.

02:34:32.000 All right, brother.

02:34:32.000 So this Friday, Cinco de Mayo, which is tomorrow, Shrimpin' Ain't Easy on Showtime.

02:34:39.000 Is it going to be available online at all?

02:34:41.000 Well, this is the thing.

02:34:43.000 They gave me a code.

02:34:45.000 So if you go to showtime or show.com forward slash shrimpin, and I put this up.

02:34:52.000 So this is on my Twitter.

02:34:53.000 You get a free 30 days of Showtime.

02:34:56.000 Oh, okay.

02:34:56.000 Beautiful.

02:34:57.000 You can watch a special.

02:34:58.000 You can watch it all on the app.

02:34:59.000 And then that's the same is true for I'm Dying Up Here.

02:35:04.000 I think I'm going to have another code for that.

02:35:06.000 So you can really get two months of showtime free out of this thing.

02:35:10.000 I'll put the codes up and people can just grab the codes.

02:35:13.000 You know what I'll do is I'll throw the codes in my Instagram and my Twitter, like the bio or something.

02:35:20.000 Okay.

02:35:20.000 I'll just grab them from there.

02:35:21.000 Beautiful.

02:35:22.000 Watch it.

02:35:23.000 That's it.

02:35:24.000 All right.

02:35:24.000 Now imagine, ladies and gentlemen, shrimping ain't easy tomorrow.

02:35:28.000 Enjoy it! 0.99

02:35:29.000 God damn it. 1.00

02:35:29.000 Look at that. 1.00

02:35:30.000 Back a new man.

02:35:32.000 He'll be back a new man.

02:35:34.000 Hopefully.

02:35:34.000 Yeah.

02:35:35.000 Or not.

02:35:37.000 Probably not.

02:35:37.000 Or just more fun.

02:35:38.000 All right.

02:35:39.000 We'll see you.

02:35:39.000 Bye.

02:35:42.000 Jesus Christ.

02:35:43.000 I seriously...

The Joe Rogan Experience - May 04, 2017

Joe Rogan Experience #955 - Al Madrigal

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Summary

Transcript