The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #98 - Daryl Wright, Brian Whitaker

00:00:00.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast.

00:00:02.000 First of all, hello.

00:00:03.000 Hi, my friends.

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00:00:26.000 And with that said, here we go.

00:00:28.000 Buckle up, bitches. 1.00

00:00:30.000 Shit's about to get freaky.

00:00:33.000 The Joe Rogan Experience The Joe Rogan Experience You know, people complaining about that drum thing in the beginning, that don't, don't, smash.

00:00:57.000 They're complaining, man, the fuck's in my hearing, dude.

00:01:00.000 I don't like it.

00:01:01.000 It makes me, blows my speakers up.

00:01:03.000 It's there to let you know you're alive.

00:01:05.000 Wake up.

00:01:06.000 You know, it's like.

00:01:07.000 Yeah, it's uncomfortable.

00:01:07.000 It's there to let you know.

00:01:09.000 Yeah, it doesn't feel right.

00:01:10.000 It doesn't sound good.

00:01:12.000 That would be better than you just talking like, hi, I'm here.

00:01:16.000 Oh, come on. 0.87

00:01:16.000 Maybe. 0.87

00:01:17.000 I don't know.

00:01:17.000 Maybe that's better.

00:01:18.000 Who knows?

00:01:18.000 Is there a better?

00:01:19.000 Drum beat is out there.

00:01:20.000 There's no better.

00:01:20.000 There is no better.

00:01:21.000 There's no better, ladies and gentlemen.

00:01:23.000 That drum beat is tight, man.

00:01:24.000 Brian Whitaker and Daryl Ryder in the house, ladies and gentlemen.

00:01:27.000 What's up, guys?

00:01:28.000 Two mad savages attacking the comedy scene in Los Angeles, out there fucking making shit happen. 0.56

00:01:35.000 You guys are in the grind.

00:01:36.000 You're out there biting.

00:01:39.000 Scratching.

00:01:40.000 Yeah, man.

00:01:41.000 First of all, thank you for having me on this.

00:01:42.000 Thanks for being on, my friend.

00:01:43.000 Dog, I appreciate it.

00:01:44.000 I'm glad you're both here.

00:01:45.000 And it's funny.

00:01:46.000 Well, it's accidental that Brian's here.

00:01:48.000 Like, Joe's like, who the fuck is that?

00:01:50.000 I'm like, oh, Daryl might have brought some crazy friend.

00:01:52.000 No, it's not.

00:01:54.000 Lucky we want to put my friend, too.

00:01:55.000 I couldn't see your face, man.

00:01:57.000 I saw the sunlight.

00:01:57.000 I was like.

00:01:59.000 Last time we had someone here, Pete Joe Hanson brought his wife.

00:02:01.000 She just started talking while we were in the middle of conversation.

00:02:03.000 We had to give her a microphone. 0.95

00:02:05.000 I've met her, man.

00:02:06.000 She's nice.

00:02:08.000 it was squirrely.

00:02:11.000 I've met dudes that are attached to their wives.

00:02:13.000 And some dudes, you never see that motherfucker without her. 1.00

00:02:15.000 It's like, this is the unit.

00:02:17.000 They come as a unit.

00:02:18.000 They don't come individually.

00:02:21.000 It is what it is, man.

00:02:22.000 And it's always our turn to talk.

00:02:23.000 That's like Ralphie and Lana now.

00:02:25.000 Yes.

00:02:25.000 That's like Ralphie and Lana now.

00:02:27.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:02:28.000 Yeah, they're like attached at the hip.

00:02:30.000 Yeah.

00:02:31.000 She's a sweetheart, but you don't see him without her.

00:02:33.000 Brian, is his microphone not on or something?

00:02:35.000 Yeah, it's on.

00:02:36.000 It's just he's so part of it.

00:02:38.000 How's that?

00:02:39.000 No, his is not on.

00:02:40.000 No, but Daryl's.

00:02:41.000 Daryl's doesn't sound right.

00:02:42.000 Daryl's is on.

00:02:44.000 Oh, it doesn't sound right to me either, but now it does.

00:02:47.000 Now it does?

00:02:48.000 Now it's on slaughter.

00:02:49.000 Okay.

00:02:50.000 What the fuck?

00:02:50.000 Folks at home.

00:02:51.000 At all this time, over a year, trying to get our technical fucking shit done.

00:02:56.000 Work with us, man.

00:02:57.000 Dude, I had technical envy when I went to Adam Carolla's place.

00:03:00.000 I went to Adam Carolla's house to do the podcast.

00:03:02.000 That motherfucker's got his shit wired.

00:03:04.000 I'm an amateur, man.

00:03:06.000 He's got stacks of compressors.

00:03:08.000 I mean, stacks of audio compressors.

00:03:10.000 Not just one, but we don't even have one.

00:03:13.000 When it gets loud, it hurts your ear.

00:03:14.000 Sorry.

00:03:16.000 Like, when Joey Diaz is over here, you fuck.

00:03:18.000 Oh, that's different.

00:03:20.000 When he starts going off like that, Brian has to dive on the microphone thing.

00:03:23.000 It's like a staff of, what, how many?

00:03:25.000 He's got a lot of people working for him.

00:03:26.000 Well, he's doing that.

00:03:28.000 Adam does his 12 jobs right now.

00:03:30.000 No, you're not.

00:03:31.000 Adam does his jobs.

00:03:32.000 He's got a totally different setup.

00:03:33.000 First of all, unimpressed.

00:03:34.000 He's got people.

00:03:37.000 Ghetto after ghetto. 0.90

00:03:39.000 This is ghetto as fuck. 1.00

00:03:40.000 Disgusting.

00:03:41.000 He's got people working like the cameras.

00:03:43.000 He's got like individual cameras on each individual person, and there's someone manning a switch inside.

00:03:48.000 So there's a person who does that.

00:03:49.000 Then there's a person who looks up stuff on the web and pulls it up as you're talking about it.

00:03:53.000 So like, I have to Google shit myself.

00:03:55.000 He's got dudes who pull shit up on some giant big screen.

00:03:58.000 And then he's got a sound effects board, which is that was the one thing that I would cut.

00:04:02.000 Like in the middle of the conversation, a dude hits buttons and it sounds like a jail cell closing or another one sounds like a dog in darkness.

00:04:09.000 He does his podcast with Lovis's Club.

00:04:12.000 And dog, it's like an hour and a half set up.

00:04:14.000 But it's tight.

00:04:15.000 Like if people go to see it live, it's fucking wild.

00:04:18.000 Carola can rant like the best of them. 1.00

00:04:21.000 That motherfucker can go off on anything. 0.97

00:04:23.000 He went off on the public school system in LA.

00:04:26.000 By the time he was done, I was ready to vote for mayor.

00:04:28.000 I was like, dude, I'll register.

00:04:30.000 You're the mayor now.

00:04:31.000 You're the mayor of L.A. When is the last time that you voted, man?

00:04:34.000 I voted for Obama.

00:04:35.000 I didn't, didn't.

00:04:35.000 Okay, good.

00:04:36.000 I'm not happy about it now.

00:04:38.000 I feel like I got duped.

00:04:39.000 I feel like a dumbass.

00:04:41.000 I feel like it's all the same.

00:04:42.000 I feel like I went against my own thinking on all this stuff.

00:04:46.000 I've always said that politics are like pro wrestling.

00:04:49.000 It might make you feel like you're rooting on pro-wrestling.

00:04:53.000 You might feel like you're participating, but I don't really think it counts.

00:04:56.000 I think you got to kind of give him a break.

00:04:58.000 And for those y'all that don't know me, Joe knows me.

00:05:02.000 Race is not an issue with me.

00:05:04.000 Like, I'm a NASCAR fan.

00:05:07.000 I'm a country music fan.

00:05:09.000 So it ain't one of those things.

00:05:10.000 But I think in this particular case, he's the first black president, and he doesn't want to overstep his bounds.

00:05:16.000 That's what I'm hoping that it is.

00:05:18.000 Oh, that's silly.

00:05:19.000 He's fucking treading really lightly, dog.

00:05:22.000 He's a president.

00:05:23.000 He's really treading really lightly.

00:05:25.000 Because what he should have said when he first got in and people started bitching is calm the fuck down.

00:05:29.000 I'm cleaning up some of a nigga's shit. 1.00

00:05:31.000 All right.

00:05:32.000 Give me some time.

00:05:32.000 Yeah, it's more.

00:05:33.000 But he hasn't even done that, man.

00:05:35.000 He hasn't even fucking, he hasn't really, he hasn't really stepped on nothing, man.

00:05:39.000 He's been walking around real light.

00:05:41.000 Like he ain't.

00:05:42.000 Well, he's making calls now.

00:05:43.000 I mean, you know, we're going to fucking Libya.

00:05:45.000 I mean, like, he's got this whole new.

00:05:47.000 Honestly, I'm offended.

00:05:47.000 Well, now.

00:05:49.000 I'm offended that we're even talking about this.

00:05:51.000 Like, we're even pretending we have a fucking clue.

00:05:54.000 Oh, I can't vote.

00:05:55.000 It's mad speculation.

00:05:57.000 I don't really care because I can't vote.

00:05:59.000 So, either way, I mean, it don't matter to me, man.

00:06:00.000 Daryl did some bad things in the past.

00:06:05.000 I know that's coming.

00:06:06.000 I wonder why my mother's going to be a little bit more. 1.00

00:06:07.000 Half of Joey Diaz is acting.

00:06:08.000 Let's talk about what shit we know about it.

00:06:09.000 Half of Joey Diaz is act.

00:06:11.000 It was.

00:06:12.000 Listen, I can't vote, motherfucker.

00:06:13.000 All right.

00:06:13.000 I got felonies.

00:06:16.000 No, it's fucked up, man.

00:06:17.000 I don't know whether Obama's real or not.

00:06:19.000 I don't know what it is, but all this Wall Street shit, watching Inside Job and reading all of them.

00:06:24.000 You know who Matt Taibbi is?

00:06:26.000 He's a writer for Rolling Stone.

00:06:28.000 He writes some independent stuff too, but He writes these brilliant articles for Rolling Stone where he sort of like details the depths of the corruption that's involved in the financial institution.

00:06:39.000 And it's like, wait a minute, first of all, if this is true, how the fuck is this the only guy talking about this, man?

00:06:45.000 How is this the only guy screaming in the streets?

00:06:48.000 How is Matt Taibbi the only bad motherfucker who's writing these articles that's exposing everything?

00:06:54.000 I mean, there's the guys who made that inside job movie.

00:06:57.000 There's Matt Taibbi.

00:06:58.000 And then where the fuck are the politicians?

00:07:00.000 Where are all these guys?

00:07:01.000 Why are they getting paid?

00:07:02.000 Like, no, it's money.

00:07:04.000 It's money.

00:07:05.000 It's about money, bro.

00:07:06.000 It's the truest example of corruption we've ever seen.

00:07:08.000 It's all about money.

00:07:09.000 And the whole funny part is, just like you would tell somebody to put a weed dealer in jail, the first Wall Street dude that has to do hard time, it's over with.

00:07:21.000 They will stop doing this shit.

00:07:22.000 They think you're crazy.

00:07:23.000 No, they won't.

00:07:23.000 They'll start killing people.

00:07:24.000 That's what they'll start doing.

00:07:25.000 They'll start killing people to put people in jail.

00:07:27.000 Cops will come up missing.

00:07:29.000 Dude, these are billions of dollars here.

00:07:33.000 You're talking about money that's beyond our comprehension.

00:07:36.000 You're getting into like where guys are getting fired because their bank failed and they're getting hundreds of millions of dollars in bonuses.

00:07:43.000 That's what I forget, man.

00:07:44.000 It's just now, see, y'all are on some deeper thinking than I am.

00:07:49.000 When is it that people are going to just grab the pitchforks and start chopping these dudes' heads? 0.99

00:07:53.000 As long as they're comfortable, man.

00:07:55.000 As long as there's enough comfort where people can sleep and they can watch cable and they can get fucking Wendy's, you know, and get the double cheeseburger.

00:08:02.000 You know, as long as that's all there for them, people aren't going to freak out.

00:08:05.000 When shit gets bad is when people don't have food, when people don't have gas, when people, then riots in the streets happen.

00:08:12.000 As long as they can keep the infrastructure up and keep supermarkets stuffed and keep a reasonable amount of jobs available, they can just keep fucking us.

00:08:19.000 Have you guys noticed the fucking increase lately in these asshole bums who drive up with a car, like asking you for spare change at the fucking gas station? 1.00

00:08:27.000 You've had a guy pull up in a car asking you for change?

00:08:30.000 No, they want money from you to make their car go further.

00:08:33.000 They're begging you at the gas station now from a car.

00:08:36.000 Have you had that?

00:08:36.000 Run a road trip.

00:08:37.000 No, no, no, not on a road trip.

00:08:38.000 Especially I'd imagine it happens real bad in LA.

00:08:40.000 No, no, what he's saying is that's their sad story.

00:08:42.000 That's their sad story.

00:08:44.000 That's a sad story.

00:08:45.000 No, no, no.

00:08:46.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:08:46.000 Well, yeah, I'm stranded.

00:08:47.000 Blah, blah, blah.

00:08:48.000 You're stranded from home.

00:08:49.000 Go the fuck back. 1.00

00:08:49.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:08:50.000 No, I'm talking about just guys who want money to make their car go further.

00:08:50.000 You're homeless.

00:08:54.000 That's insane.

00:08:55.000 That's it.

00:08:55.000 They just pull up.

00:08:56.000 They pull into a gas station and they stay there and they take up a pump and they just want your fucking money. 0.95

00:09:00.000 They're just asking anything.

00:09:01.000 I've never seen this.

00:09:01.000 Never seen this once.

00:09:03.000 I don't know.

00:09:04.000 Maybe I live in the right neighborhood.

00:09:06.000 So you guys are getting asked at the gas station all the time?

00:09:09.000 This is a regular game.

00:09:10.000 This is more and more lately.

00:09:11.000 Where the fuck do you live, man?

00:09:12.000 I live on top of a mountain around, yeah.

00:09:14.000 I live around Franklin, like by the Capitol Records building.

00:09:16.000 Okay, so you're in the hood.

00:09:18.000 I mean, in Hollywood, rather.

00:09:20.000 The hood, I should say.

00:09:21.000 Not the hood.

00:09:21.000 He's in the wood.

00:09:22.000 I didn't mean the hood.

00:09:24.000 You're right in the heart of things.

00:09:26.000 Trendy Boulevard.

00:09:27.000 Yeah, trendy, whatever.

00:09:28.000 So you get fit up.

00:09:29.000 Whatever, man.

00:09:30.000 You know what, man?

00:09:30.000 You're white.

00:09:31.000 That's one of the things that comes to being a white guy.

00:09:33.000 You got to deal with that, bro.

00:09:36.000 That's never happened to me, man.

00:09:37.000 No one's eat you up for money? 0.78

00:09:39.000 Not like that, dog.

00:09:40.000 They might hit me up for change to fucking get something to drink, but just drive your car up to a gas station and ask somebody else for gas.

00:09:47.000 No, and they take up the damn pump and they stay there until they get something. 0.96

00:09:50.000 See, somebody would have been slapped by then, man.

00:09:52.000 Somebody hit me up for money at Disneyland.

00:09:54.000 Really?

00:09:55.000 While I was carrying my kid.

00:09:56.000 Yeah, I'm in Disneyland.

00:09:58.000 Some guy comes up to me.

00:09:59.000 And he's in Disneyland too.

00:10:01.000 Yeah, yeah, he's in Disneyland too.

00:10:02.000 He tells me some story about his parents.

00:10:04.000 I could do it.

00:10:05.000 Get the fuck out of here.

00:10:06.000 That's what I said to you.

00:10:07.000 He's some young kid.

00:10:08.000 He's like 19, 20 years old.

00:10:10.000 And he came up to me and just with this fucking stupid story about his parents and he needs to get them somewhere.

00:10:17.000 That's not all.

00:10:17.000 I don't even want to hear it.

00:10:18.000 Did he know it was true?

00:10:19.000 I have no idea what he knew.

00:10:20.000 I didn't want to hear it.

00:10:21.000 I was like, this is retarded. 1.00

00:10:22.000 You know, you need to get a fucking job or shut the fuck up.

00:10:25.000 It's one or the other.

00:10:26.000 Either you're ripping people off because you're faking all this story or you need to get your shit together. 0.81

00:10:30.000 And that's part of life.

00:10:31.000 You don't always have your shit together from the get-go.

00:10:33.000 And when you're short on money, sometimes you have to have peanut butter sandwiches or roll pennies to make your shit.

00:10:37.000 I want to fucking tell these assholes at the gas stations that you guys have apparently never had to deal with.

00:10:40.000 I don't know, in case anybody else has who's listening, it's like, if you can't afford a fucking car, you know, just get a bigger car called a fucking bus.

00:10:46.000 You know what I mean?

00:10:48.000 People are out there on the ground.

00:10:50.000 It's just really, it's just really weird, man.

00:10:52.000 I'm trying to work for my car, too.

00:10:53.000 Like, one of the things that I think that I go through, and I've been blessed in that type of concept, is just what you're saying, and that's personal responsibility.

00:11:03.000 Like, it's no secret.

00:11:04.000 I fucked up earlier in life.

00:11:06.000 Well, let's tell people what you did.

00:11:08.000 Tell people what you did.

00:11:09.000 I shot a crackhead.

00:11:12.000 What's the story?

00:11:14.000 Hold on, let me tell you.

00:11:15.000 Do you want to hear the joke or you want to hear the real story?

00:11:15.000 Let me tell the story.

00:11:17.000 I want to both.

00:11:18.000 Give me the joke first.

00:11:20.000 Well, anyway.

00:11:20.000 To not ruin it.

00:11:21.000 Tell me the real story and then tell me the joke.

00:11:22.000 It won't be as good, right?

00:11:24.000 The joke is the real story.

00:11:24.000 No what?

00:11:26.000 What happened was I was selling dope back in DC and this guy, I had fronted him some dope.

00:11:34.000 Actually, it was crack.

00:11:35.000 And it was a crackhead.

00:11:37.000 And he was across the street from me and my boys.

00:11:39.000 And we were drunk on this patio and shit.

00:11:42.000 And he was across the street.

00:11:43.000 And I was like, give me my money, motherfucker, drunk.

00:11:45.000 And everybody's like, ha ha ha.

00:11:47.000 And this jackass is going to say, fuck you.

00:11:48.000 I ain't paying you shit.

00:11:50.000 I think he owed me like $10.

00:11:52.000 So all of my boys were like, oh, so you're just going to let that crackhead talk to you like that.

00:11:56.000 And I'm drunk with the fucking gun.

00:11:59.000 So I shot across the street to scare this motherfucker, but I hit him.

00:12:03.000 Yeah.

00:12:04.000 The rest is history.

00:12:05.000 Wow.

00:12:06.000 How old were you then?

00:12:07.000 I was, let's see, I was 25 when that happened.

00:12:11.000 Did you realize, like, after you pulled the trigger, were you like, what the fuck am I doing?

00:12:11.000 God damn.

00:12:15.000 No, because I didn't kill him.

00:12:17.000 I just shot his ass.

00:12:18.000 You still didn't think, like, what the fuck am I doing?

00:12:19.000 I just shot a guy?

00:12:20.000 It didn't freak you out?

00:12:21.000 No, I was too drunk.

00:12:22.000 How drunk could you get?

00:12:24.000 No, when you're.

00:12:25.000 How long were you selling crack for?

00:12:26.000 How many years?

00:12:27.000 Crack, like a year and a half, but I was selling drugs, like all types of drugs.

00:12:31.000 Like just exclusively crack, like a year and a half.

00:12:34.000 What got you into that?

00:12:36.000 I don't know, man.

00:12:38.000 Did you like listen to too many iced T songs?

00:12:40.000 No, it had nothing to do with fucking rap music or nothing.

00:12:44.000 It was just like, this is the thing that pisses me off.

00:12:48.000 And I'll the culture that you come from, it's no, well, not me.

00:12:56.000 I mean, not you, but me.

00:12:58.000 The culture tries to dictate That you can't do nothing but certain things and be successful.

00:13:03.000 Now, I'm not a dumb motherfucker, as y'all know, because you've heard my comedy and stuff like that.

00:13:08.000 But that's pretty bold of you.

00:13:10.000 Fuck it.

00:13:13.000 But it's like, you know what?

00:13:14.000 When you're a certain age.

00:13:16.000 You just talk about shooting a crackhead and it didn't really bother you that much.

00:13:20.000 And then you're like, I'm obviously very intelligent.

00:13:22.000 I am.

00:13:22.000 You guys know this.

00:13:24.000 Well, I know.

00:13:25.000 I don't fucking look at it.

00:13:27.000 I have to be pretty smart because I only did two years for that shit.

00:13:30.000 Brian and I are the only people that are high right now.

00:13:31.000 I just want to let you know.

00:13:32.000 So the folks at home going, there's two different frequencies going on here.

00:13:35.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:13:37.000 I got Daryl high once.

00:13:38.000 And I was high for four fucking days.

00:13:40.000 Like, I'm used to smoking dirt weed, and Joe got the good shit.

00:13:43.000 Him and Ralphie had that good shit.

00:13:45.000 We put him on Pluto.

00:13:46.000 Dog, I think I was seeing shit.

00:13:49.000 Like, I was talking to people that was dead and having a conversation with them, just chilling, dog.

00:13:53.000 Jesus Christ.

00:13:55.000 Dog, that's some Superman shit that he smokes, man.

00:13:58.000 I'm not used to that shit, dog.

00:13:59.000 I can't fuck with that.

00:14:00.000 It's the real weed, bro.

00:14:02.000 That's the real weed.

00:14:02.000 That other stuff is fake.

00:14:04.000 That other stuff is just to get you to find the real weed.

00:14:06.000 It's like you found it, motherfucker.

00:14:08.000 This feels good.

00:14:09.000 The other stuff is like, wow, this feels kind of good.

00:14:11.000 Wow, I'm kind of hungry.

00:14:12.000 Wow, things are so funny.

00:14:13.000 I'm giggly.

00:14:15.000 I was like, wow, what is this?

00:14:16.000 This is another kind of weed.

00:14:17.000 This weed's called Trainwreck.

00:14:19.000 No, it was funny.

00:14:20.000 I wasn't laughing as shit.

00:14:21.000 Everything was cool.

00:14:22.000 Everything was serious,'cause I was having conversations that was fucking Yeah.

00:14:29.000 While watching NASCAR.

00:14:31.000 While watching NASCAR?

00:14:32.000 I watch NASCAR sober.

00:14:33.000 Don't try that shit.

00:14:34.000 You don't fuck around.

00:14:35.000 NASCAR is a serious thing.

00:14:36.000 Is that a NASCAR cap you're wearing right now?

00:14:38.000 What is it?

00:14:39.000 You better not ask that question.

00:14:40.000 I don't know.

00:14:41.000 He's just like numbers.

00:14:42.000 Don't feel bad.

00:14:43.000 I don't know shit about any sports.

00:14:44.000 Jale Earnhurt?

00:14:46.000 Okay, I heard he's dead.

00:14:47.000 That guy's dead?

00:14:47.000 Yes.

00:14:48.000 Yes, he's dead.

00:14:49.000 His son's still racist.

00:14:50.000 Yes, his son's still racist.

00:14:51.000 You don't know.

00:14:51.000 There's a lot of money in NASCAR.

00:14:52.000 I just thought you're like free.

00:14:53.000 There's a lot of money in that shit.

00:14:54.000 Wow, you really didn't know that this was Dale Earnhardt?

00:14:57.000 For real?

00:14:57.000 How the fuck am I supposed to know that a number is some particular man's number?

00:15:01.000 How would I know that?

00:15:02.000 That's a very good question.

00:15:04.000 Because the UFC doesn't have numbers on there.

00:15:06.000 No, I don't, literally, I don't even know the rules to basketball.

00:15:10.000 I don't know when someone gets mad at someone.

00:15:12.000 I'm like, what did someone do?

00:15:13.000 I'm like, wait a minute, you're mad that he touched you, you fucking pussy? 1.00

00:15:16.000 What kind of whack-ass sport is this?

00:15:19.000 I think we're in the same way, Linda.

00:15:20.000 You and me, we follow fighting mostly.

00:15:22.000 I mean, like, and every other sport, at least I don't know about you, but I mean, like to me, it's like every other sport is just kind of like a delusion of, you know, like, I don't know, it's just a, and like, you've talked about it.

00:15:32.000 Like, if somebody gets into a fight in a game, I'm interested.

00:15:35.000 Do like, do, like, do like, do, like, your fans know how much you really fucking follow fighting?

00:15:40.000 Like, just.

00:15:41.000 Yeah, they pretty much know.

00:15:43.000 Because it's like, no.

00:15:44.000 The thing about sports is that what sports don't have, what fighting doesn't have, that sports do have, like team sports, is the joy of seeing all these people work together.

00:15:52.000 There's something beautiful about a basketball game where one dude makes a call and the other dude fakes a pass, runs in, passes it off, and the other dude hits the three and everything falls in line like they practiced it.

00:16:04.000 And you're like, look at that, man, look at that.

00:16:06.000 And everybody gets crazy and they all high-five each other.

00:16:09.000 You don't get that in fighting.

00:16:10.000 It doesn't exist.

00:16:11.000 So there's something about teamwork.

00:16:13.000 There's something beautiful about watching a soccer team pull off some crazy pass that they've rehearsed many times and the guy shoots the goal in.

00:16:21.000 There's something about that when everybody gets together and hugs and cheers.

00:16:24.000 You don't quite ever get that in fighting.

00:16:27.000 In fighting, it's very much me.

00:16:29.000 It's individual.

00:16:30.000 I still love the competition of, like, I think even in comedy, certain comedians, that competitive nature drives them more than others.

00:16:40.000 A lot of people.

00:16:41.000 Eliza Schlesinger, man, she was talking about how it was her number one thing that she's so competitive. 0.78

00:16:46.000 Like, dog, I have no problem with it.

00:16:48.000 Like, dog, I think it makes for great comedy because you can be friends offstage.

00:16:53.000 But, dog, when it's you and that microphone, that gets your juices going.

00:16:58.000 Like, I've had.

00:16:59.000 So you get real competitive too.

00:17:00.000 You get competitive with other friends and not competitive in a negative way.

00:17:04.000 Like, I don't dog other people's comedy because I'm not the comedy police.

00:17:08.000 But what I do do is if you just killed, I'm not dying, dog.

00:17:12.000 That ain't happening because it's that competition.

00:17:14.000 Like, I'm not going to be the one that brings the show down.

00:17:16.000 You know what I mean?

00:17:17.000 It's funny.

00:17:18.000 Yeah, I think I used to think about it like that.

00:17:21.000 I used to feel like that.

00:17:22.000 I used to feel like, well, I don't want everyone to bomb me to go up there and kick ass.

00:17:25.000 But now I don't think about it like that at all.

00:17:27.000 Now I only always think about, I'm like, what's the best thing to think about?

00:17:30.000 The best thing to think about, regardless of the circumstance, is the act.

00:17:34.000 What am I going to say?

00:17:35.000 Where's my head at?

00:17:36.000 What am I talking about?

00:17:37.000 That's the best thing to think about.

00:17:38.000 As soon as you start thinking about weird peripheral shit, like he killed, and what if they like him more than me?

00:17:45.000 I want to make sure they don't.

00:17:46.000 That's not necessarily the competition that I'm thinking of, but probably because of the fact of this.

00:17:52.000 You know, I'm just getting to the point where I'm starting to even, people started to even think about me headlining.

00:17:58.000 Once you know that you are the show, it doesn't matter no more.

00:18:03.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:18:04.000 And just like you said, I'm still scrapping out here, you know what I'm saying?

00:18:08.000 As far as getting to the point where I'm headlining.

00:18:11.000 So I got to kind of think that a little bit.

00:18:13.000 But once I know that I'm the show, it doesn't matter whether the opener pulls a monkey out of his ass.

00:18:19.000 It really doesn't matter.

00:18:20.000 How long you been doing comedy now?

00:18:21.000 It'll be nine years this year.

00:18:23.000 Nine years.

00:18:23.000 What about you, Brian?

00:18:25.000 I'd only count three.

00:18:26.000 Three years?

00:18:27.000 Yeah, three years.

00:18:28.000 I mean, that was just pretty much, that was, yeah, it was March, March 08.

00:18:32.000 I started working at the improv.

00:18:33.000 I was a bouncer.

00:18:34.000 I came into this on total fucking accident.

00:18:37.000 I was a bouncer right off Skid Row in downtown LA for two years, like in those little, those bars they got out there to move the hipsters in and make it safe and everything and just make the area.

00:18:45.000 And I'm not familiar with that.

00:18:46.000 What do they do?

00:18:47.000 All right.

00:18:47.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:18:48.000 Well, basically, they've been slowly, slowly, slowly pushing Skid Row and downtown LA a little bit further, like just towards the fucking river.

00:18:54.000 If you've never seen this, by the way, we filmed Fear Factor down there.

00:18:58.000 We used to do downtown LA shit all the time.

00:19:01.000 And I used to drive up Skid Row.

00:19:02.000 It is.

00:19:02.000 Yeah, it's some Fear Factor shit.

00:19:04.000 That's fucking crazy.

00:19:06.000 For the folks that don't know, there's areas of downtown LA that are like a fucking George Romero zombie.

00:19:13.000 This is a better world.

00:19:14.000 Especially at night.

00:19:17.000 I'm talking block after block of just crazed out homeless people who are sleeping right there on the ground with shopping carts and, you know, one shoe on and tattered and everyone's cracked out.

00:19:31.000 That's made it illegal after a while.

00:19:33.000 Oh, go ahead.

00:19:34.000 Well, they made it illegal after a while for them to put the tents up during the day, but they were always up at night.

00:19:38.000 They made it illegal.

00:19:38.000 No, no, no, no shit.

00:19:39.000 You have to take your tent down.

00:19:40.000 You have to take your tent down.

00:19:41.000 But I don't want to say that.

00:19:42.000 There's another fucking thunderdome.

00:19:44.000 It's a whole goddamn thunderdome of just homeless practice.

00:19:46.000 Poor shitty politicians.

00:19:48.000 We made a law.

00:19:49.000 You've got to take those tents down during the day.

00:19:51.000 Yeah, no, it's nighttime.

00:19:52.000 Unsettling.

00:19:53.000 And I was just working out there as a bouncer for a while, and it got depressing after a fucking bit.

00:19:57.000 So I was looking for a positive environment to go to to offer my services.

00:20:00.000 So I went to, there's actually a comic Steve Simone Heat told me, hey, go try at the comedy club.

00:20:05.000 You know, go be a security guy there.

00:20:07.000 At the improv.

00:20:08.000 Yeah, I went to the improv.

00:20:09.000 And then you started going on stage.

00:20:11.000 Yeah, I mean, well, really, because, yeah, I just got a little bit pissed because I was stuck in the showroom watching.

00:20:16.000 At first, I was so stoked because I was working around, you know, all this laughter and everything like that.

00:20:19.000 And then I go into the showroom and I had to be making sure that everybody was behaving during a show.

00:20:23.000 And so many of these comics just such a bunch of heartless hokey crap.

00:20:27.000 And you can tell they're just looking to, they're not up there for the audience.

00:20:30.000 They're not up there to make people laugh.

00:20:31.000 They're up there to get their fucking little, you know, sitcom career going and all that.

00:20:34.000 And I got pissed and it was anger that drove me towards the stage.

00:20:37.000 So you went up because of bad comedy.

00:20:40.000 That's interesting.

00:20:40.000 Yes.

00:20:41.000 And then I had to...

00:20:42.000 Daryl met me from the dead kill.

00:20:43.000 He's actually weird because...

00:20:46.000 You're hilarious saying you've calmed the fuck down.

00:20:48.000 Do you know how wired you are?

00:20:49.000 Yeah.

00:20:50.000 These fucking homeless people want to fucking fucking want my fucking money.

00:20:52.000 Fuck you, man.

00:20:53.000 You can't have my fucking money.

00:20:54.000 You know, I saw these fucking comics and they're all heartless.

00:20:56.000 And Daryl knows I've calmed down.

00:20:58.000 Daryl knows you've calmed down and Daryl also knows that everybody knows he's smart.

00:21:01.000 This is a strange group you guys.

00:21:02.000 Calm me smile.

00:21:03.000 I am smart.

00:21:04.000 That's our little duo act.

00:21:05.000 Calm and smart.

00:21:08.000 We need to get a new Farrelly Brothers script around YouTube, Fox.

00:21:11.000 No, but it's like, I actually do some comedy shows like three times a year down there.

00:21:17.000 It's a big-ass homeless shelter down there.

00:21:19.000 And I'll do comedy shows there like three times a year.

00:21:22.000 I'm telling you, man, it's fucking, it's a zoo, man.

00:21:22.000 Really?

00:21:26.000 It is a zoo.

00:21:27.000 It's a human zoo. 0.99

00:21:28.000 But doing comedy in there is fun as shit.

00:21:31.000 Yeah.

00:21:33.000 Just imagine.

00:21:33.000 Really?

00:21:35.000 I can't imagine.

00:21:36.000 That's people who have made gigantic mistakes.

00:21:40.000 Every step of the way has been a mistake.

00:21:42.000 Well, yeah, and that's a lot of human beings, man.

00:21:45.000 There comes a point where they don't consider themselves human anymore.

00:21:48.000 Well, no, they're not.

00:21:49.000 I mean, at the end of the day.

00:21:50.000 I had to shoo them away for a living for a long time.

00:21:52.000 It's just like shit.

00:21:53.000 Being human is just like some program that you run over the animal system that runs the body.

00:21:59.000 You know, being human, it's just that's so fucking fragile.

00:22:03.000 So when do you think that the humanity leaves?

00:22:07.000 As soon as shit gets ugly.

00:22:08.000 Honestly.

00:22:09.000 As soon as the power goes out, as soon as there's no food, as soon as your baby's crying, as soon as this guy's got it, you don't.

00:22:14.000 As soon as shit gets ugly, man.

00:22:16.000 Look at New Orleans, man.

00:22:17.000 New Orleans, we saw how ugly that got.

00:22:19.000 There was so many murders in New Orleans during after Katrina.

00:22:23.000 They can't even tell.

00:22:25.000 They don't even know what to do.

00:22:26.000 But the niggas was murdering people in New Orleans when the lights was on. 1.00

00:22:29.000 They were, but it got worse.

00:22:30.000 It got way, way, way, way, way worse.

00:22:32.000 It got worse with the cops, too.

00:22:33.000 The cops went all zombie vigilanteism.

00:22:36.000 Cops were driving around in pickup trucks, picking people off with guns.

00:22:38.000 There's a lot of crazy shit went down in New Orleans, man.

00:22:41.000 A lot of people were killed.

00:22:42.000 And that's just, look, yeah, New Orleans is bad as it is.

00:22:45.000 But so is LA, man.

00:22:46.000 Look what happened with Ronnie King, with the Ronnie King verdict.

00:22:49.000 People forget about how crazy it got down here.

00:22:52.000 Fires and all over the place.

00:22:53.000 I mean, I went all around the country.

00:22:54.000 They had different riots in different cities and all that.

00:22:56.000 Hold on, you guys can't talk at the same time.

00:22:58.000 I'm still in my hands.

00:22:59.000 All right, I'll get him down and let him be smart.

00:23:01.000 This is the whole theory.

00:23:02.000 This is the whole theory with that, though.

00:23:02.000 Oh, thank you.

00:23:05.000 That shit went crazy until it got to about Beverly.

00:23:08.000 And then that's when they were like, y'all niggas got to go back the way y'all came from. 0.99

00:23:12.000 Y'all can burn down.

00:23:13.000 Is that true?

00:23:13.000 Y'all can burn down Englewood and you can burn down Compton.

00:23:16.000 But once it got to like Beverly-ish, that's when the National Guard was like, y'all ain't coming up here.

00:23:22.000 Is that what happened?

00:23:23.000 I was here during the LA riots.

00:23:25.000 I was living here.

00:23:26.000 I was living in Palos Verdes at the time.

00:23:28.000 I was 13 years old, and I can say that you— Palace Verdes is out by, it's basically like South Bay area.

00:23:35.000 It's the peninsula.

00:23:36.000 So where is it in relationship to Carl?

00:23:39.000 To the ghetto, I mean like basically it's, Palace Verdes doesn't mean shit.

00:23:44.000 Technically, it's about 10 minutes away from here.

00:23:45.000 10 minutes away.

00:23:46.000 So you're close.

00:23:47.000 So you got to be nervous.

00:23:48.000 This is a freeway area.

00:23:49.000 I mean, like, really, you're eating a freeway, so it's not like they're going to march down the freeway straight on the fucking area.

00:23:53.000 They're scary people.

00:23:53.000 Exactly.

00:23:54.000 You know what I mean?

00:23:59.000 But I remember, I mean, like, I think it could be kind of like a physical barrier that's more than just cops when it comes to these.

00:24:05.000 I mean, LA is kind of like this, it's like this big circle.

00:24:09.000 And on the inside of the circle is like, this is the pit of shit and all that.

00:24:12.000 And on the outside, like, you're kind of safe, like the beach and then the hills and everything like that.

00:24:16.000 And it's like this physical barrier.

00:24:18.000 That's an illusion.

00:24:19.000 That's only for level one situation.

00:24:21.000 Level two and three situations, everything's off limits.

00:24:24.000 There's chaos in the streets.

00:24:26.000 The cops abandon their positions.

00:24:27.000 No, but we were talking about this earlier up here.

00:24:29.000 Robbers just stop.

00:24:30.000 When you come to a hill like this, you stop because you're thinking, if I get caught up here, I'm fucking, I'm not getting out of it.

00:24:35.000 Right, but listen to what I'm saying.

00:24:36.000 This is only level one stuff.

00:24:37.000 You're talking about no chaos.

00:24:39.000 You're talking about no loss of civility.

00:24:41.000 You're talking about, it's basically society is running and it's just a few fuck ups that are going crazy and booty.

00:24:46.000 Well, when the shit hits the fan, if this shit ever hits the fan, it's not going to be like that.

00:24:50.000 It's not going to be like that.

00:24:51.000 There's not going to be civility.

00:24:53.000 No, of course not.

00:24:54.000 I mean, because like just being in jail, like, dog, it's a whole nother world.

00:24:59.000 And it's like, I think a lot of times that I'm still kind of institutionalized with like just little shit.

00:25:06.000 Like, I can't sleep in my house without a door or like a window open, like a patio door.

00:25:10.000 Why?

00:25:11.000 I don't know.

00:25:12.000 It's just something that, you know, it is.

00:25:13.000 So someone can sneak in your house in the middle of the night if they want to.

00:25:16.000 Is that what you're telling people?

00:25:17.000 You don't want people to come in and kiss you.

00:25:18.000 Come on in.

00:25:19.000 But guess what?

00:25:20.000 Your ass ain't leaving. 0.94

00:25:21.000 Come on in.

00:25:22.000 You can leave.

00:25:22.000 I mean, come in, but you ain't leaving.

00:25:24.000 You're scared of kisses.

00:25:26.000 Oh, fuck that.

00:25:27.000 Well, yours.

00:25:28.000 I don't understand what this is is this a freedom thing?

00:25:30.000 Yeah, it's like it's like being able to know, even subconsciously that I'm not trapped.

00:25:36.000 Yeah.

00:25:36.000 That's like, yeah.

00:25:36.000 Wow.

00:25:37.000 How many years were you in jail for?

00:25:38.000 Two?

00:25:39.000 Damn.

00:25:39.000 Two.

00:25:39.000 Yeah.

00:25:40.000 And it's like, even with what you were saying, like, I hate when people use the term subtle to anything.

00:25:46.000 It's like, it's just terminology nowadays is just pissing me off because it's like, dog, I'm a firm believer that it ain't no such thing as racism no more as you know it.

00:25:57.000 Are you talking about?

00:25:58.000 I'm crazy.

00:25:59.000 That's the most ridiculous shit ever.

00:26:01.000 Those NASCAR motherfuckers got you brainwashed. 1.00

00:26:03.000 There's racism everywhere.

00:26:03.000 No, it's true.

00:26:06.000 There's sexism and there's racism and there's black people hate light brown people.

00:26:11.000 It's not.

00:26:11.000 It's dude.

00:26:13.000 That is some shit that people make up so that they can make money off of that shit, dog.

00:26:18.000 Jesse Jackson has a W. Jesse Jackson has a W too, man.

00:26:22.000 I'm not.

00:26:23.000 You two need.

00:26:24.000 We need to pause this thing.

00:26:25.000 You both, both, you need to get high.

00:26:27.000 This is ridiculous shit.

00:26:29.000 Because listen, Joe.

00:26:30.000 Joe, listen to this, though.

00:26:31.000 Listen to my theory, okay?

00:26:33.000 My theory is this.

00:26:35.000 When you give yourself an excuse to fail, then you have that excuse.

00:26:41.000 Whereas there was a time that my race could stop me from accomplishing certain things.

00:26:48.000 Those days are over with now.

00:26:50.000 So as far as the racism as we think it is, I don't think it's that anymore.

00:26:54.000 My race can't stop me from doing anything that I want to do.

00:26:57.000 It's certainly less intense, but it doesn't, just because it can't stop you from accomplishing your goals doesn't mean it's not there.

00:27:04.000 No matter what you do, it is human nature.

00:27:07.000 It is a genetic imperative that we judge.

00:27:11.000 We look at genetics.

00:27:12.000 We look at the shape of a woman's body. 0.85

00:27:14.000 Your body tells you this is sexually attractive because this is a woman who's going to have good babies. 1.00

00:27:19.000 Our entire society is set up.

00:27:21.000 You look at people that are bigger than you, you become intimidated.

00:27:24.000 That person can dominate you physically.

00:27:24.000 It's natural.

00:27:26.000 All this shit is in place.

00:27:27.000 You look at people that aren't you.

00:27:28.000 They're black and I'm white.

00:27:29.000 Maybe they'll side with themselves and maybe they're on their own team and I should be afraid of them because this is a different team.

00:27:34.000 It's almost completely natural.

00:27:37.000 Now, as an intelligent person, you're supposed to be able to recognize this is just a human being that was born Chinese and this is a human being that was born African and this and it's all just some crazy lottery and we're all in this together and you should judge people in their actions. 0.98

00:27:50.000 That's the intelligent evolved approach.

00:27:53.000 But how many fucking people are intelligent and evolved?

00:27:56.000 It is natural that racism is going to exist.

00:27:58.000 It's going to exist just like being stupid is always going to exist.

00:28:02.000 It is.

00:28:03.000 It's a human instinct.

00:28:04.000 Well, maybe, well, I could be racist right now if I wanted to.

00:28:08.000 You could be?

00:28:08.000 Yeah, if I wanted to, but I'm not going to.

00:28:10.000 Oh, but that's exactly.

00:28:11.000 But it exists in this room.

00:28:12.000 It could exist.

00:28:13.000 That's insanity.

00:28:14.000 Well, that's it.

00:28:14.000 Easily.

00:28:17.000 But to me, it's still insanity.

00:28:20.000 You're saying two totally different things.

00:28:22.000 And on one hand, I totally agree with you that you can accomplish anything you want to do.

00:28:26.000 And oftentimes you put limitations on yourself, saying, you know, hey, as a black man, I'm never going to get past this.

00:28:31.000 Hey, as a guy who was born up here, I'm never going to be on television.

00:28:34.000 I'm never going to do that.

00:28:35.000 You can impose those limitations on you.

00:28:37.000 And those are self-fulfilling prophecies, man.

00:28:39.000 You can really decide.

00:28:40.000 Your life is going to be a shitty life.

00:28:43.000 You're absolutely correct about that.

00:28:45.000 No one can stop you from doing what you want to do, but they will try.

00:28:48.000 Don't think they won't try.

00:28:50.000 Don't think they won't say things.

00:28:51.000 Don't think racism is.

00:28:53.000 No, it's not fair, but you can't say racism isn't real.

00:28:56.000 Fuck yeah, it's real.

00:28:58.000 But it doesn't mean that it has to stop you.

00:29:00.000 And it doesn't mean we have to tolerate it, but it means that slowly we're moving away from the animal.

00:29:05.000 But how long have we been a human?

00:29:08.000 I mean, when you go back, at what point in time does it stop being a human?

00:29:12.000 Is it Australia Pithecus?

00:29:14.000 What the fuck?

00:29:15.000 Which monkey is it?

00:29:16.000 Where you say that's not a human anymore?

00:29:18.000 So everything from that is trying to get away from being an animal.

00:29:22.000 So the animal's still here, though.

00:29:24.000 It takes some time to get all that shit out of your system.

00:29:27.000 Well, you also have to be, I think, forward thinking in that type of concept because, you know what?

00:29:34.000 For instance, I'll give you a great example of this.

00:29:36.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:29:38.000 Just the fact, and this is going to sound weird.

00:29:40.000 Just the fact that I'm on this podcast, for instance, it's plenty of comics that I respect and I love, but they would not let me into their home.

00:29:54.000 So what is that?

00:29:55.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:29:55.000 Is that racism or is that just- Like, you say, like, every time we've hung out, you're like, man, I'm so happy you're hanging out with me.

00:30:02.000 I'm like, what the fuck you talking about?

00:30:03.000 We're all hanging out together.

00:30:04.000 You said that to me when I've gotten you on stage before.

00:30:07.000 You said, you know, this guy.

00:30:10.000 We all go on stage.

00:30:11.000 You know what?

00:30:12.000 You're putting that shit on yourself.

00:30:13.000 No, but you don't understand the stages that I normally get on.

00:30:18.000 I do, though, because I've seen you at the improv.

00:30:19.000 I mean, you get at the improv, bro.

00:30:21.000 It's not like you only get on stage these shitty places.

00:30:24.000 But I was saying that to say this.

00:30:26.000 It's not a matter of what race I am as far as that's concerned.

00:30:32.000 It's just the comfort level.

00:30:33.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:30:34.000 And where you were saying that people see stuff a certain way, I think that I programmed myself to put racism out of the picture and just handle myself a certain way so that I can't.

00:30:47.000 I understand you've done that with your mind.

00:30:49.000 I understand that you're doing that.

00:30:51.000 So maybe me making that blanket statement was a little bit too much.

00:30:55.000 But in my mind, I can't see racism as an option for me to blame something or something exterior for me not doing what I got.

00:31:02.000 I guarantee you we could have an awesome TV show where it take you and put you in a fucking bow tie and bring you around white neighborhoods in the South. 0.98

00:31:08.000 And you will see some fucking racism like you wouldn't believe.

00:31:14.000 I've like been to the South, man.

00:31:15.000 I know you have.

00:31:16.000 I've been to the South.

00:31:17.000 I love the South because what I'm saying, you by yourself with a clipboard going through white neighborhoods. 1.00

00:31:22.000 My whole theory.

00:31:22.000 Now, see, now.

00:31:24.000 Write down every time someone calls you a nigger.

00:31:25.000 Hmm.

00:31:27.000 You need more paper.

00:31:32.000 Shit, I'm out of paper.

00:31:33.000 Bro, you need a fucking phone book.

00:31:37.000 What he's getting, though.

00:31:38.000 I'm like, I wouldn't say racism is dead either.

00:31:40.000 I think that's always a bold statement he's making.

00:31:42.000 But I mean, like, honestly, like, we're at a point now where it's like, like, all right, when the, when, when people, Wiggers, for instance, okay, Wiggers, people say, all right, Wiggers, it's a very dangerous word to say, right?

00:31:52.000 No, they wish they were black. 1.00

00:31:53.000 Do you feel bad saying Wigger?

00:31:54.000 Wigger? 1.00

00:31:54.000 No, I don't say no. 1.00

00:31:56.000 I feel when I say Wigger to somebody, I feel like I kind of sort of said nigger. 1.00

00:31:59.000 Well, no.

00:32:00.000 Yeah, but you pulled that motherfucking trigger.

00:32:02.000 Wiggers don't want to be black folks. 1.00

00:32:04.000 No, you got to remember, I'm trying to tell you.

00:32:07.000 I mean, like, wiggers aren't anymore just trying to be black people. 1.00

00:32:09.000 This is like an older.

00:32:10.000 You're taking this way too seriously.

00:32:12.000 This motherfucker ain't laughing with us.

00:32:14.000 He's got his wigger point that he wants to get through. 1.00

00:32:16.000 I want to make my fucking wigger point. 1.00

00:32:18.000 God damn it.

00:32:18.000 Is it more powerful when I say fucking wigger too?

00:32:20.000 No.

00:32:21.000 But no.

00:32:22.000 They don't want to be black. 1.00

00:32:22.000 All right. 1.00

00:32:24.000 They're wiggers. 0.80

00:32:25.000 We're not talking about they want to be African Americans. 0.96

00:32:27.000 They want to be their wiggers. 0.74

00:32:28.000 You know what I mean?

00:32:28.000 Like, they're not looking to take Obama's place one day.

00:32:30.000 They're trying to be these thug-ass retards, like the lowest of what the black race could possibly have to offer. 1.00

00:32:36.000 And I mean, like, basically, this is just something that is getting generalized in the old school thought.

00:32:41.000 Whereas nowadays, we can say, like, no, any fucking you're talking about, man, you're speaking some nonsense, bro.

00:32:47.000 You're just talking jazz right now.

00:32:48.000 For those of y'all at home, for those of y'all at home, Joe is like, go ahead and let him make his point so I can get higher.

00:32:55.000 Yeah, I'm firing up.

00:32:58.000 You're talking nonsense, son.

00:32:59.000 Joe is like, go ahead and talk because I'm getting listen.

00:33:02.000 It's important to get called on nonsense talk because you can go your whole life talking nonsense talking and get away with that shit.

00:33:08.000 I'm starting to have heart palpitations right now.

00:33:10.000 About this show?

00:33:10.000 About what?

00:33:11.000 From being higher.

00:33:12.000 From what?

00:33:13.000 From being so high right now.

00:33:14.000 Really?

00:33:14.000 See, tell me.

00:33:15.000 No.

00:33:15.000 Tell me that.

00:33:16.000 Coffee.

00:33:17.000 Coffee.

00:33:18.000 But I could always get higher.

00:33:19.000 Joe, I had the most crazy thing happen to me last night.

00:33:22.000 I found out about a whole new sex fetish that I had no idea existed.

00:33:29.000 And it's the most disturbing fucking thing in the world.

00:33:31.000 It's for kids when you're a kid and your mom yells at you and you liked it.

00:33:36.000 You know, like, you know, when your mom used to yell at you, you hated it.

00:33:39.000 But there's people out there that when their mom yelled at them, they loved it.

00:33:43.000 And so when they grew up, they liked these things called gigantic women. 1.00

00:33:47.000 And so, you know, like the old sci-fi videos of like, you know, the attack of the sci-fi.

00:33:51.000 R-Crumb type women. 1.00

00:33:52.000 Yeah.

00:33:53.000 Like, or the attack of the 50-foot women and stuff like that. 0.91

00:33:56.000 So there's now fetish websites where it's like little G.I. Joe characters and like naked girls. 0.76

00:34:02.000 And it's fucking so creepy, the lifestyle that there is.

00:34:08.000 So the fetish is women with dolls? 0.97

00:34:12.000 Women with small dolls that they kind of pretend that it's a person. 1.00

00:34:15.000 Yeah, and like they're back.

00:34:17.000 They like command them to do things.

00:34:18.000 They lock them up in cages.

00:34:20.000 And they have full-on movies.

00:34:21.000 Wait a minute.

00:34:22.000 The women command the dolls to do things? 1.00

00:34:23.000 Yeah.

00:34:24.000 Or they're yelling at the dolls, like, you know, kind of like as a mom.

00:34:27.000 Like, I was talking to one of the girls that was in one of these movies, and they're like, yeah, it's really weird because like you're yelling at these dolls and then like one would knock over and then you have to kind of set it back up while you're in scene and stuff like that.

00:34:39.000 So I went to this website and this is a beautiful website.

00:34:42.000 At first I was shocked, but now I think I love this shit and I think it's the coolest shit ever.

00:34:46.000 It's called giantess.net.

00:34:49.000 G-I-N-T-E-S-S. 1.00

00:34:51.000 G-I-N or G-I-A-N? 0.98

00:34:52.000 G-I-A-N-N. 1.00

00:34:54.000 T-E-S-S.net.

00:34:56.000 Okay, Giantess.

00:34:56.000 Giantess.

00:34:57.000 And they have forums, they have chat rooms, and they have everything like that.

00:35:00.000 But the crazy thing is that they sell clips of like, like girls.

00:35:05.000 Oh, what the fuck?

00:35:07.000 Girls in small. 0.98

00:35:08.000 Look at this shit.

00:35:10.000 Joe, just look at this.

00:35:11.000 I like it.

00:35:12.000 What the fuck?

00:35:13.000 Dolls with little penises that. 1.00

00:35:15.000 They're sucking on the dolls. 0.84

00:35:17.000 Yeah, and then there's like parts where like they're putting dolls in them, each other.

00:35:21.000 Are they still yelling at the dolls when they put them in each other?

00:35:24.000 But why is it dolls?

00:35:26.000 I don't get it.

00:35:27.000 It's because it's the little man, big.

00:35:31.000 Yeah, but they pretend that that's them or something.

00:35:31.000 It's a big show doll.

00:35:34.000 Yeah, people sit there.

00:35:35.000 Okay, you know what?

00:35:36.000 It's a little green doll.

00:35:37.000 I mean, the doll doesn't even look human.

00:35:38.000 It's a stupid looking thing.

00:35:39.000 It's got a big flat bottom where it has to stand up, you know, like it's surfing.

00:35:43.000 You know, that always bugged me out about those dolls.

00:35:43.000 That's creepy.

00:35:45.000 Like, you can't even make a doll, like army men.

00:35:48.000 You can't even make one that stands on its own.

00:35:51.000 You have to have a surfboard under it everywhere.

00:35:52.000 That's creepy.

00:35:53.000 You can't even present.

00:35:54.000 My favorite shit's the Emily Parker ones.

00:35:56.000 If you look at it, search that website for the Emily Parker.

00:35:59.000 It's also on sizefetishzone.com.

00:36:01.000 And you'll just become addicted to this shit.

00:36:04.000 Well, I'm looking at the forums, right?

00:36:05.000 I'm afraid not.

00:36:06.000 Look at this.

00:36:07.000 I'm afraid.

00:36:07.000 Giantess and small men.

00:36:09.000 Oh my God, this forum is stuffed.

00:36:11.000 Yeah, and it's just so strange.

00:36:13.000 It's all these girls, and they're sucking the dicks of these little tiny men. 1.00

00:36:17.000 Yeah.

00:36:17.000 They have like little dicks that they put on them.

00:36:19.000 This is so strange.

00:36:20.000 Oh, this is on some other shit.

00:36:22.000 It's super popular.

00:36:23.000 And it's weird.

00:36:24.000 Like, when you see these sci-fi movies with, you know, attack the 50-foot woman, most guys just go, wow, that's kind of cool, a big woman.

00:36:30.000 But there's people addicted to that shit.

00:36:32.000 Like, that's what that gets them off.

00:36:34.000 Wow.

00:36:35.000 So I spent all night watching shit.

00:36:37.000 There's a lot of people with a lot of time on their fucking hands, though.

00:36:40.000 Is it a time thing, man?

00:36:42.000 That's a time thing, Joe.

00:36:44.000 Developing a human being from child to adult is very, very complicated.

00:36:49.000 And all sorts of things are set up in place, you know, to make sure that you become a successful person or to encourage you.

00:36:54.000 And when those things get hijacked and weird shit happens like abuse, you know, weird little fucking fetishes develop in the mind.

00:37:02.000 Look at this.

00:37:03.000 Check this out.

00:37:04.000 If you go on YouTube and type in giantest trailer 2009, this is kind of give you a sample where it shows a really big woman and little people. 1.00

00:37:04.000 This is a trailer. 1.00

00:37:14.000 What the f-And it's- Oh, my God.

00:37:20.000 She just crushed him.

00:37:21.000 Yeah.

00:37:22.000 And look at this.

00:37:23.000 It's just giant women and small men. 1.00

00:37:26.000 There's small women in their underwear. 1.00

00:37:29.000 And the women are stomping on them and they're swallowing them and stuffing them in their pussies. 1.00

00:37:33.000 Yeah.

00:37:33.000 And this only came from their moms yelling at them.

00:37:36.000 That's what supposedly, like, the people that are into this thing has a mommy. 1.00

00:37:39.000 Look how small these ones are.

00:37:41.000 Yeah.

00:37:41.000 That's a big bitch.

00:37:42.000 That just goes to show it's how you're built, man.

00:37:44.000 You can put any kid through anything.

00:37:46.000 I guess it's just how you're built.

00:37:47.000 That is insane.

00:37:49.000 Okay, you know what?

00:37:49.000 That's amazing.

00:37:50.000 That's insane.

00:37:51.000 That's fucking insane.

00:37:52.000 And I'm addicted to it now.

00:37:53.000 I now have that fetished, and it's not for a boner.

00:37:56.000 I can totally see where that's going.

00:37:57.000 I can totally see where that's going.

00:37:58.000 I don't get that.

00:37:59.000 That's strange.

00:38:00.000 Yeah, and I've always thought about that because, you know, like the Indian in the cupboard, I was always thinking, like, wow, you know, this is a book for kids about a naked, half-dressed man that is put in, he kept him in his pocket, and his name is like Big Bear or something like that.

00:38:15.000 And there was something weird and sexual about that naked Indian guy and your kid. 1.00

00:38:20.000 If your kid, if you, your kid came up to you and you had a naked Indian man in your pocket, you'd be fucking pissed. 0.99

00:38:24.000 Was he a naked one or was he one of those Indians with all the feathers and shit? 1.00

00:38:27.000 Well, no, he had, I think he just had like that little, you know.

00:38:30.000 Yeah, a little loincloth with a little feather and his ball hanging out on one side.

00:38:30.000 That little loincloth on it.

00:38:34.000 Weird little naked man hiding in your fucking plates. 0.98

00:38:36.000 And the kid was like, never tell your parents about our secret.

00:38:38.000 Come on.

00:38:39.000 That's like fucking...

00:38:43.000 They don't make sex stories like that. 0.99

00:38:47.000 Was there a movie by Indian in the cupboard?

00:38:50.000 Who was in that movie?

00:38:52.000 Somebody romantic.

00:38:53.000 No, no.

00:38:55.000 Fucking movie.

00:38:56.000 Don't let a girl down.

00:38:58.000 Know who was in it?

00:38:59.000 The guy from the oh my god.

00:39:04.000 Well, let's just find out.

00:39:05.000 The guy from the what's the movie with Hugh Grant?

00:39:09.000 No, the guy from the movie where they keep going to weddings and fucking bitches oh wedding crashers yeah the wedding crashers the one guy from the wedding crashers went in that because he because he played a movie from 1995 i think he played a cowboy in that pal skardino lightfoot and lindsey crow are listed as the actors so i don't know who oh no he was in no he was in the smithsonian movie never mind okay telling you we're gonna have a new rule no no more sober people when 0.99

00:39:40.000 When they come over here, they don't smoke weed.

00:39:41.000 Okay, look.

00:39:42.000 Here's what the deal was.

00:39:43.000 All right, let's be perfectly blunt.

00:39:45.000 I am a drinker.

00:39:46.000 You were about to say perfectly blunt, but you don't even say that word, do you?

00:39:49.000 No, I don't even say it.

00:39:50.000 I am a drinker, but I wasn't going to come to Joe's house fucked up.

00:39:54.000 You bitches need to get on some comedy steroids. 1.00

00:39:57.000 That's what's going on.

00:39:58.000 You need to get on this weed.

00:39:59.000 Stop playing around.

00:40:01.000 You're playing games.

00:40:02.000 You're playing games with your future.

00:40:03.000 You're risking your future talking nonsense.

00:40:07.000 Who?

00:40:08.000 It can save you from this.

00:40:08.000 I'm not talking about it.

00:40:11.000 We can save you from this.

00:40:12.000 We're talking about pedophilia shit and all that.

00:40:14.000 No, no, no.

00:40:15.000 I'm still tripping out.

00:40:16.000 Who the fuck?

00:40:17.000 Pedophilia is important. 1.00

00:40:18.000 What that is, whatever that is, we need to find out about that.

00:40:21.000 We need to investigate.

00:40:22.000 Who the fuck has time for that shit, man?

00:40:24.000 It's not a time thing, man.

00:40:24.000 I know.

00:40:25.000 It's like that's what they like best.

00:40:27.000 If they had all the time in the world, they would do that.

00:40:30.000 If they had an hour a day, they would do that.

00:40:31.000 How do you find out that you like that shit?

00:40:33.000 That's a good question.

00:40:34.000 Your mom yells at you.

00:40:35.000 No, it's no.

00:40:36.000 It's more than your mom yells at you.

00:40:37.000 It's deeper than that.

00:40:38.000 Your mom spanked you and then she felt bad about it, so she jerked you off. 1.00

00:40:42.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:40:43.000 It's like something like that has to happen early on.

00:40:45.000 It's deeper than that, man.

00:40:46.000 That's some shit where you have to discover that you like that shit, man.

00:40:52.000 Yeah, you have to discover that.

00:40:53.000 The crazy thing about the internet is if you like something, there's got to be a website out there where there's a gang of other people that love it, too.

00:40:59.000 It's not like the old days.

00:41:01.000 I saw that documentary before you mentioned it, Joe.

00:41:03.000 Zoo? 0.98

00:41:04.000 Yeah.

00:41:05.000 Oh, my God.

00:41:06.000 That's crazy, right?

00:41:07.000 Yeah, because they were talking about how they thought they were alone, and then the internet came out.

00:41:11.000 And then there are other people who fuck horses, too.

00:41:12.000 And it's okay.

00:41:13.000 And I can be part of a club now.

00:41:15.000 Yeah, Zoo is one of the weirdest documentaries ever.

00:41:18.000 And it's weird how they did it, too, because it was like a reenactment.

00:41:21.000 They didn't really have footage, so they had a reenactment of everything.

00:41:24.000 I thought they were just cutting away real quick.

00:41:26.000 The editing was weird.

00:41:27.000 Who was in the reenactment of fucking a... 0.57

00:41:28.000 No, they had the actual video of the dude getting fucked to death by the horse, and then the noises were fucking disturbing.

00:41:34.000 I mean, I'm sure you can imagine that much, but I mean...

00:41:36.000 I admit it.

00:41:37.000 I got rock hard, though.

00:41:38.000 Did you get hard?

00:41:39.000 Which part?

00:41:40.000 What part got you hard?

00:41:41.000 During a fucking other horse?

00:41:42.000 Oh, the guy died.

00:41:44.000 Hit that shit, kid.

00:41:46.000 Stop playing around.

00:41:47.000 These motherfuckers want to come here and stay sober. 1.00

00:41:50.000 Going small.

00:41:51.000 What kind of shit is this?

00:41:52.000 Get some of that, Daryl.

00:41:53.000 Stop.

00:41:53.000 Daryl, stop playing around.

00:41:55.000 Stop fucking around.

00:41:55.000 Everyone needs to calm down here.

00:41:57.000 Daryl, just have a little.

00:41:58.000 It's better for you.

00:41:59.000 I'm telling you.

00:42:00.000 You'll see the world in a better light.

00:42:02.000 I see it in a perfectly good light, man.

00:42:04.000 All right.

00:42:04.000 Don't be scared of weed, bro.

00:42:05.000 It's not real weed.

00:42:07.000 I took a little pussy. 1.00

00:42:08.000 It's like Nick Diaz says.

00:42:09.000 Don't be scared, homie. 1.00

00:42:10.000 The reason I quit the weed, Joe, I mean, really, it's not because, you know, it's a fear.

00:42:14.000 It's a fear thing, anything like that.

00:42:15.000 I just, the last time I think it was, it was my old boxing trainer and he was leaving the gym.

00:42:19.000 And I was like, oh, okay.

00:42:19.000 You know, he wanted to smoke.

00:42:20.000 So it's like a little bonding session that we'd have.

00:42:22.000 And so we smoked out.

00:42:23.000 And then after we were done smoking out, I mean, he's a stoner.

00:42:26.000 And I forget.

00:42:26.000 He's totally used to it.

00:42:27.000 So he's just like, all right, get out of my truck.

00:42:28.000 And I'm like, you're going to leave me alone?

00:42:29.000 I'm just high as shit.

00:42:30.000 And I ended up going home, eating all my food.

00:42:33.000 And I watched America's Got Talent for an hour and a half.

00:42:35.000 And then I woke up going, that was the most useless fucking night of my life.

00:42:38.000 That sounds like a good day.

00:42:38.000 I mean, I just.

00:42:39.000 Depending on who the contestants are in America's Got Talent.

00:42:43.000 It's like I should have gone and tried to do something.

00:42:43.000 I'm sitting there broke in my studio apartment.

00:42:45.000 So that ruined you, this one time smoking weed?

00:42:48.000 So you said, that's it?

00:42:49.000 No, I'd stopped years before.

00:42:50.000 But then I went back and I was like, well, that was dumb.

00:42:52.000 I was just like.

00:42:53.000 For real, it's not for everybody.

00:42:54.000 But a lot of people, they give it up too quick.

00:42:57.000 No, I think, you know what?

00:42:59.000 I was just telling him this before we went on.

00:43:02.000 I'm like, someday I probably will go back to smoking weed.

00:43:05.000 Because I don't find nothing wrong with it.

00:43:06.000 It's just at the time where I'm at right now, I'm on grind mode.

00:43:10.000 So it's like, dog, I don't have time to just be high.

00:43:14.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:43:15.000 So it's like.

00:43:15.000 Well, it depends on what you're trying to do.

00:43:16.000 You know, some people, they're trying to get high because they just want to get fucked up.

00:43:20.000 And they just want to kick back.

00:43:21.000 And they just want to just chill out and get fucked up. 0.79

00:43:24.000 And just sort of skate their life away.

00:43:26.000 And just like, but weed makes me more ambitious.

00:43:29.000 I mean, I don't know about you.

00:43:31.000 But weed makes me realize like, damn, I got to get some shit done.

00:43:35.000 I would be scared to be more ambitious than I am right now.

00:43:38.000 Are you real ambitious?

00:43:38.000 Yeah, though.

00:43:39.000 It's like.

00:43:40.000 But not in a Hollywood type of way.

00:43:43.000 Just like a life type of way.

00:43:45.000 It's so much stuff that I'm using comedy for in my life.

00:43:45.000 Yeah.

00:43:50.000 More than just like TV or some shit like that.

00:43:50.000 You know what I mean?

00:43:55.000 It's just, you know, I look at comedy sometimes as penance.

00:43:58.000 I look at it as.

00:44:00.000 Oh, yeah.

00:44:00.000 As penance?

00:44:01.000 What do you mean?

00:44:02.000 I've done some evil shit, though.

00:44:03.000 So you think comedy is somehow or another your punishment for doing this evil shit?

00:44:07.000 Like penance as far as payback for the evil shit that I've done.

00:44:07.000 No.

00:44:10.000 Making people.

00:44:11.000 Laugh.

00:44:12.000 Yeah.

00:44:12.000 Laugh is like penance.

00:44:14.000 Or like, is that the right word?

00:44:15.000 Penance?

00:44:16.000 Maybe.

00:44:16.000 Not quite.

00:44:17.000 I see what you're saying, though.

00:44:18.000 It's okay.

00:44:19.000 Whatever the word is.

00:44:20.000 I know exactly what you're saying.

00:44:21.000 I have a penance.

00:44:22.000 I guess you were right about me saying that I was smart.

00:44:26.000 Because I'm using wrong fucking words and everything.

00:44:28.000 Well, you're not a dumb guy, man.

00:44:30.000 Emancipation.

00:44:30.000 You know?

00:44:32.000 Emancipation.

00:44:33.000 You said that in a black voice, you racist fuck.

00:44:37.000 No, but it's like, you know.

00:44:37.000 Motherfucker.

00:44:37.000 What's wrong with you, Brian?

00:44:39.000 Like, for instance, I was lucky enough to get with the managers that I got.

00:44:48.000 You already know who they are.

00:44:49.000 No, I don't.

00:44:50.000 Who's your manager?

00:44:51.000 Oh, you see.

00:44:51.000 I don't pay attention to shit.

00:44:53.000 I don't know anybody's business.

00:44:55.000 I'm managed by George Collins'manager, man.

00:44:57.000 Jerry Hamza.

00:44:58.000 Oh, okay.

00:44:59.000 Wow.

00:44:59.000 Yeah, that's cool.

00:45:00.000 And I got with them.

00:45:01.000 That's pretty huge.

00:45:02.000 Yeah, and it's like, dog.

00:45:04.000 So, as far as me being.

00:45:06.000 What kind of advice they give you?

00:45:08.000 Dog, it sucks for me.

00:45:10.000 Stop being so black. 1.00

00:45:11.000 Try to grow your ponytail out.

00:45:12.000 out can you can you lighten your skin and no it's can you do a clean set no it's actually just the opposite man really go blacker no get a tan no no nigger it up a little dog i've had i've actually had people tell me that prior to them dog what did they tell you i've had a dude tell me right there was a manager that told me because i do based on the news And he was like, you know what? 0.99

00:45:38.000 You really should stop reading the newspaper because black people don't read newspapers. 1.00

00:45:42.000 And I'm like, what?

00:45:43.000 Well, who told you this?

00:45:45.000 Dog, it's a fucking agent that told me.

00:45:47.000 I've had some of the worst advice ever from agents and managers.

00:45:50.000 Here's my favorite.

00:45:51.000 The Kevin James old manager said, Kevin, when you lose weight, you're losing roles.

00:45:56.000 He told him to not lose weight because if you lose weight, you're going to lose parts.

00:46:00.000 You won't be able to go out for roles.

00:46:03.000 That's what he's saying.

00:46:03.000 You won't be the fat guy.

00:46:05.000 Fuck being healthy.

00:46:06.000 No, you're not capable of doing it on your own.

00:46:09.000 You're here and you're going to get lucky.

00:46:11.000 We're not going to find some special talent in you.

00:46:13.000 He also said that he would never be the lead in anything.

00:46:16.000 I understand just because of your body type.

00:46:18.000 You'll never be the lead.

00:46:19.000 Meanwhile, the fuck, man.

00:46:20.000 Dude's on can of queens for seven years.

00:46:22.000 He's in movies that make hundreds of millions.

00:46:24.000 I just shut the fuck up. 0.98

00:46:25.000 But no, it's just, it's always the motherfuckers.

00:46:27.000 It's always the motherfuckers that can't do it that tell you what you can't do. 0.99

00:46:31.000 Well, they may, see, the reason being is they make money from you and they want to figure out what is the way they can make the most money from you.

00:46:37.000 What is the way you're going to be the most successful?

00:46:39.000 And they think that they can kind of mold you and get you to become something that you're not.

00:46:43.000 And that thing will be more successful.

00:46:45.000 But they don't understand.

00:46:46.000 You'll never achieve greatness that way.

00:46:48.000 Not that we ever will, but you know, I mean, you never hit the zone.

00:46:50.000 Instead of achieve greatness, it sounds very grandiose, and I never think about myself that way, honestly.

00:46:54.000 But I do think of hitting the zone.

00:46:56.000 And I think you can't hit the zone if you're trying to pretend to be something that you're not or you're putting on some sort of an act.

00:47:02.000 I think you hit the zone when you have the purest expression of your thoughts on stage in an entertaining form.

00:47:09.000 It's your real thoughts.

00:47:11.000 It's not like you acted to try to get someone to like you more.

00:47:16.000 I've done that before, dressed away to get people to like you more.

00:47:19.000 Because you touch people in more of an authentic type of way if it's you.

00:47:24.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:47:24.000 Yes.

00:47:27.000 Honestly, it's the only way you touch them.

00:47:29.000 It's the only way you really touch them.

00:47:31.000 Like, and I'm, and just the opposite with my manager is he has so much money from Carlin that he's not really in a hurry to make money, which sucks for me.

00:47:31.000 Yeah.

00:47:42.000 But in a way, it doesn't suck for you.

00:47:44.000 Well, because he doesn't, like, this is.

00:47:44.000 What do you mean?

00:47:47.000 He's probably listening right now.

00:47:49.000 Well, this is one of his favorite sayings because I was like, you know, it was some stuff happening and it was some stuff that I wanted to try out for.

00:47:56.000 And he was like, dog, that's not good for your career in the long haul.

00:47:59.000 And I'm like, well, I need the money.

00:48:01.000 And he's like, will you stop thinking like a broke ass nigga and think like a fucking nigga? 1.00

00:48:05.000 He said that to you?

00:48:06.000 Broke ass nigga? 1.00

00:48:07.000 Whoa.

00:48:07.000 Yes.

00:48:08.000 Is he a white guy?

00:48:09.000 Wow.

00:48:09.000 Maybe he just took you on just so he could use those words.

00:48:13.000 I know what I did.

00:48:14.000 It's his fetish.

00:48:15.000 It's his giant woman. 0.99

00:48:17.000 Maybe I'm not.

00:48:17.000 I was trying to say what I was saying.

00:48:18.000 No, because it's like, dog.

00:48:21.000 And he's right.

00:48:23.000 Okay, but what was it that he told you not to do?

00:48:25.000 I wanted to try out to try to do Def Jam on like Comedy Jam?

00:48:29.000 Yeah, on like Comedy Central.

00:48:31.000 And he was like, no, you aren't going to do that shit.

00:48:34.000 He's like, you aren't going to dumb down your comedy to be on this bullshit.

00:48:34.000 Yeah.

00:48:39.000 Here's the deal, dude.

00:48:40.000 You don't have to dumb it down.

00:48:41.000 You just have to do your best shit.

00:48:43.000 Do some shit that's tight.

00:48:44.000 Do some shit that's funny and tight.

00:48:46.000 That's silly.

00:48:47.000 But what wound up happening is I wound up getting this special on Showtime instead.

00:48:53.000 That's uncensored.

00:48:54.000 That's basically me doing a spot that's me.

00:48:57.000 It's everything that I do, which is what is what is that for?

00:48:59.000 What is it?

00:49:01.000 Oh, it's on next Saturday, April 23rd on Showtime.

00:49:05.000 It's actually with John Lovitz.

00:49:07.000 Is it a John?

00:49:07.000 Okay.

00:49:08.000 What is the John Lovitz presents?

00:49:12.000 Okay.

00:49:13.000 And it's a bunch of comics.

00:49:14.000 Yeah, it's me, Quinn Dale, and Ian Back.

00:49:17.000 Yeah, it's going to be fun, man.

00:49:17.000 Okay, nice.

00:49:18.000 And it's like uncensored.

00:49:19.000 It's all of us doing 15 with John each and shit.

00:49:24.000 But here's the thing about Def Jam, to just to counter your manager's, what he said.

00:49:29.000 Dave Chappelle did Def Jam.

00:49:31.000 Okay?

00:49:31.000 Yeah, but that was when it was necessary, though, Joe.

00:49:34.000 You did, right?

00:49:34.000 Didn't everybody do Def Jam?

00:49:36.000 Martin Lawrence did Def Jam.

00:49:37.000 Those guys.

00:49:38.000 But that was when it was necessary.

00:49:40.000 Yeah, but bro, it doesn't matter if it's necessary, unnecessary.

00:49:43.000 It matters.

00:49:44.000 Is there a microphone?

00:49:44.000 Is there a stage?

00:49:46.000 Do you want to do it?

00:49:47.000 Then go do it.

00:49:48.000 Really?

00:49:48.000 Yeah, you're just doing stand-up, man.

00:49:50.000 Who gives a fuck if it's on Def Jam?

00:49:52.000 It's you.

00:49:53.000 When they say, ladies and gentlemen, Darrell Wright, and you take that microphone, it doesn't fucking matter if it's on Def Jam or if it's on anything.

00:49:59.000 It's just you.

00:50:00.000 It's you with a microphone and a stage and a camera on you.

00:50:03.000 Chappelle's done it a few times.

00:50:04.000 He even did the poetry jam.

00:50:05.000 He's done like multiple.

00:50:06.000 Did you do the poetry jam?

00:50:07.000 Yeah, he was doing it.

00:50:08.000 That was some ridiculous shit.

00:50:10.000 You want to talk about some self-end shit?

00:50:11.000 If you want to write all that slop, you better give me some fucking laughs in there.

00:50:15.000 I am a strong woman.

00:50:16.000 Grow up in the projects.

00:50:18.000 By the time I was six, strong like wood.

00:50:21.000 By the time I was eight, iron instead.

00:50:24.000 I am what I am.

00:50:25.000 Rise from the fire flames inside of me.

00:50:28.000 Wanting to burst out, not wanting to accept my lower clap.

00:50:33.000 I just made that shit up.

00:50:34.000 And you can go up there and you can write those.

00:50:37.000 They're easy and they're stupid.

00:50:39.000 Stop it.

00:50:40.000 Shut up. 0.95

00:50:41.000 Why is it always the light-skinned people? 1.00

00:50:43.000 Why is it always the light-skinned black people that write the fucking? 1.00

00:50:46.000 Because they're confused.

00:50:47.000 There's a white mom and the black dad, and the white mom is really into yoga and tofu. 1.00

00:50:52.000 What are you mad about, man?

00:50:53.000 Black dad didn't want to stick around. 1.00

00:50:54.000 There's a lot of issues.

00:50:56.000 She can't really quite rock dreadlocks.

00:50:59.000 She tries, but she get up there with that nose ring and spit out that fucking poetry jam. 1.00

00:51:03.000 That's not poetry.

00:51:04.000 That's bullshit.

00:51:05.000 So this, I should clarify, I'm bullshitting mostly.

00:51:07.000 I'm just playing around.

00:51:09.000 I went to a poetry jam reading once in Venice, and it was kind of interesting.

00:51:13.000 There was a few people that were legit.

00:51:14.000 It's like they had some legit thoughts.

00:51:16.000 You know, it's like most poetry you say, well, what is it?

00:51:19.000 It's just horseshit.

00:51:19.000 It's like, it's a bunch of self-indulgent, you know, wishy-washy nonsense.

00:51:25.000 But then you read like Bukowski.

00:51:26.000 Like Bukowski had some poetry that you're like, whoa.

00:51:28.000 Like he had a great fucking story about taking his shit, having a beer shit, and then his wallet falling into the shit.

00:51:34.000 And it was really fucking funny.

00:51:36.000 But it was basically poetry.

00:51:38.000 I mean, it was poetry in these little short stories.

00:51:40.000 Did you ever write poetry to like women or ex-girlfriends or anything like that?

00:51:43.000 Because I would die.

00:51:44.000 I would pay money to read one of your fucking poems.

00:51:48.000 They're probably so.

00:51:50.000 I must have.

00:51:51.000 I can't remember specifically.

00:51:52.000 I know I left some weak ass voicemails.

00:51:54.000 Oh, right.

00:51:55.000 Oh, for real?

00:51:56.000 Well, when you're a kid, first of all, you get dumped and you don't want to accept it.

00:52:00.000 And you want to figure out there's got to be a way to get this chick back.

00:52:02.000 And so you start trying to pretend and trying to manipulate the situation and pretend you have feelings other than the ones that you do.

00:52:11.000 It's not even that he wants a pussy, I think.

00:52:13.000 It's like your self-esteem doesn't want to accept that this person doesn't like you anymore.

00:52:16.000 So you just start pretending to be someone who you're not.

00:52:18.000 It's natural.

00:52:20.000 At one point in time, it becomes a game.

00:52:22.000 It's like when you teach a chimp that if he puts a bunch of little pegs in order, then a piece of fruit comes out. 1.00

00:52:28.000 Well, that chimp's going to figure that's that's his reward thing, you know. 1.00

00:52:31.000 And for a dude, like you start getting pussy and you start getting love, and then all of a sudden this person breaks up and you're like, damn, what little buttons do I have to press to get my apple back? 0.97

00:52:41.000 I played a song once for a chick. 0.99

00:52:42.000 I don't play any fucking instruments.

00:52:44.000 Yeah, you know what's me.

00:52:44.000 A fucking song.

00:52:45.000 I didn't know.

00:52:46.000 Because it was so unlike me and so like non-tuffy.

00:52:49.000 Do you talk about it on stage?

00:52:50.000 Oh God, I have to start because I mean I never had to sing it.

00:52:53.000 I swear to God, I could have sworn at the time I was thinking like, well, if she sees this come out of me, I'll just sing it to her without any fucking instruments or something like that.

00:53:01.000 She'll sit like, oh my God, he really is.

00:53:03.000 I cannot remember.

00:53:04.000 so fucking thankful I never got around to singing that song because I would like shot myself.

00:53:08.000 I cannot remember whether I ever...

00:53:20.000 You write a song and you go, listen, if you don't talk to me after today for the rest of your life, I just want you to know that I wrote this for you.

00:53:26.000 Please listen to this.

00:53:26.000 Just sit down.

00:53:27.000 And then after the end, she's like, that was fucking terrible.

00:53:30.000 I am so glad I dumped you.

00:53:32.000 You are sad.

00:53:33.000 That's what I was talking about.

00:53:33.000 You pathetic fuck.

00:53:35.000 You made a shitty stone for me.

00:53:36.000 Hey, Joe, you want some like, you want some like man shit.

00:53:39.000 Now, this is.

00:53:40.000 I'm on some man shit.

00:53:41.000 Yeah, you want some man shit. 0.99

00:53:42.000 I'm going to put that on my Wikipedia.

00:53:43.000 Somebody, I know, look, by the way, I've never edited my Wikipedia.

00:53:47.000 I don't touch it.

00:53:48.000 I don't correct bad things.

00:53:48.000 I've never even read it.

00:53:50.000 So if you want to just make some shit up, if you want to put, please feel free.

00:53:54.000 But I want that on there.

00:53:55.000 Use that.

00:53:56.000 Joe's on some man shit.

00:53:57.000 I'm on some man shit.

00:53:59.000 Now, that's my only request.

00:53:59.000 Okay.

00:54:03.000 You don't have to write any credits that I don't really have.

00:54:05.000 You should make a t-shirt that says I'm on some man shit.

00:54:07.000 I don't have Crohn's disease either, so please stop emailing me.

00:54:10.000 Oh, yes, you.

00:54:11.000 Fellow Crohn's sufferers, I appreciate your illness, but I just feel bad that all these people think Wikipedia, they just make shit up.

00:54:20.000 Wikipedia, it also says Brian Callan's my brother.

00:54:23.000 So I don't change it.

00:54:24.000 He's my brother, as far as I'm concerned.

00:54:26.000 I've had like 10 Wikipedias, and they automatically just get deleted because it's the most retarded shit. 1.00

00:54:32.000 There's not even one sentence that was ever real.

00:54:34.000 And then it just worst.

00:54:36.000 The absolute worst is when you know a dude wrote his own Wikipedia.

00:54:40.000 Is there anything creepier in life than reading some dude's thing like, you know, an honored and cherished member of the comedy community?

00:54:49.000 He has been like, fuck yeah, they do.

00:54:52.000 Fuck yeah, they do.

00:54:53.000 Yeah, I've read sportscasters that I've known, like fight commentators that I know they wrote their own shit.

00:54:59.000 I've read it for comedians where I know they wrote their own shit.

00:55:01.000 You read it and you're like, what the fuck is this nonsense?

00:55:06.000 A breath of fresh air in a stagnant comedy community.

00:55:09.000 Okay, like dude, what are you talking about?

00:55:09.000 What?

00:55:13.000 What am I doing wrong where I would never do no shit like that?

00:55:15.000 No, no, no.

00:55:16.000 What are you doing right?

00:55:17.000 That's insane.

00:55:17.000 Of course you wouldn't.

00:55:18.000 That's insane.

00:55:19.000 Listen, man, you got to spend as little time as possible projecting who you want people to think you are.

00:55:26.000 Do that shit through your work.

00:55:27.000 If you've got somebody that wants to write a bio for you, or if you write a bio of your own, it better be silly.

00:55:32.000 Duh.

00:55:33.000 You're blowing yourself up.

00:55:33.000 Better help you.

00:55:35.000 It's my third time on stage.

00:55:37.000 I let the presenter know this was going to be the next big star of comedy.

00:55:41.000 I held myself up to that standard.

00:55:43.000 I've had it ever since.

00:55:44.000 That would be hilarious.

00:55:46.000 That's actually what I'm going through right now is like this management team, they want me to help write a bio.

00:55:52.000 And I'm like, what the fuck am I supposed to say, man?

00:55:54.000 Well, you know, I mean, look, you should help write it because it's your.

00:55:57.000 I gave him some info, but it's like, what am I supposed to say?

00:56:00.000 Jason Murlow.

00:56:00.000 I don't know what.

00:56:02.000 Just be funny, man.

00:56:03.000 Just be funny about it.

00:56:05.000 If you're going to write a bio, man, this is what I say.

00:56:07.000 If you're a com I don't, I didn't write my bio.

00:56:08.000 My bio is written by someone else and it's embarrassing and I don't like it.

00:56:11.000 Some sparrows, Taekwondo stuff in there and shit that I would never put in there.

00:56:15.000 If I was going to rewrite my bio, I would definitely have to make it funny.

00:56:19.000 You have to make it silly, as silly as possible.

00:56:22.000 You know, make up some shit.

00:56:23.000 Make up some shit about unicorn wrestling.

00:56:26.000 You know, whatever the fuck you're going to do.

00:56:28.000 But, you know, when you read someone's like really self-congratulatory bios and how they really view themselves, like, ugh, it's disgusting.

00:56:39.000 You can't even enjoy them on stage because you think all this guy's doing is he just wants you to think he's a bad person.

00:56:43.000 He's jacking himself off.

00:56:44.000 It's like, I can't, he's just jacking himself off vertically.

00:56:47.000 One of the most unpleasant things is someone who takes himself way too seriously.

00:56:52.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:56:52.000 Oh, that's insane.

00:56:53.000 They're sitting up there, you know, trying to make you laugh.

00:56:55.000 And everything's a joke except them.

00:56:58.000 How about comics that try shit out on you?

00:57:01.000 Hey, man, how about this bit?

00:57:02.000 I'm thinking about doing this on stage.

00:57:04.000 Hey, folks, have you ever noticed that when you, you know, like, and they're like trying it on you?

00:57:09.000 You know what?

00:57:10.000 What I suffer from is I hate when you're off stage and you can tell it's coming.

00:57:17.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:57:18.000 It's like, this isn't a conversation.

00:57:20.000 This is a setup.

00:57:21.000 It's like, you got your setup, right?

00:57:22.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:57:23.000 He's faking a conversation.

00:57:25.000 Yeah, and then here's the story.

00:57:26.000 Just to get to his joke.

00:57:27.000 Exactly.

00:57:27.000 And they're like, motherfucker, you practicing materials on me?

00:57:30.000 Yeah, at least if, like, you're a comic and you say, hey, dude, I got a problem with this bit.

00:57:33.000 Tell me that thing.

00:57:34.000 Exactly.

00:57:34.000 I don't know how to get out of this bit.

00:57:36.000 You know, I mean, we all have bits, right?

00:57:37.000 Don't you have bits?

00:57:38.000 I mean, I've had a few bits where I'm like, damn, how do I get out of this motherfucker?

00:57:42.000 Like, I got all these laughs, but how do I get out of this?

00:57:44.000 There's no way to get out of it.

00:57:45.000 It's like a segue, where is it?

00:57:47.000 It just ends on a cliff, you know?

00:57:49.000 And then sometimes that's good.

00:57:51.000 See, that's why I really don't hang out as much.

00:57:55.000 Like, you see me at comedy clubs, but I really don't hang out with like a whole bunch of comics because it's like, I like real conversations.

00:58:02.000 Like, I like going to bars and just hanging out and stuff like that.

00:58:06.000 Just talking to people.

00:58:07.000 You can have real conversations with comics.

00:58:08.000 It's just a lot of people.

00:58:10.000 You got to find the right comics.

00:58:12.000 Well, see, this is what happened to me.

00:58:14.000 Like, when I moved out to Los Angeles, like you and some other comics and guys were lucky because you have comics in your class per se.

00:58:23.000 It's like dudes that you came up through the ranks with.

00:58:26.000 Well, I moved out to LA and I was in a weird circumstance because I was like kind of by myself moving out here by myself and I really didn't fit in on the open mic circuit but I wasn't a headliner so I was right in the middle because I had spent so much time in New York kind of getting seasoned so I wasn't quite an open micer as far as my skill but as far as my notoriety but I wasn't a headliner because I didn't have that type of pull so I was really stuck in the middle of some shit and then you have classes of comics that all grow up together so

00:58:56.000 I really can't bounce shit off of.

00:58:58.000 I know what you're saying.

00:58:59.000 Yeah, it's hard if you don't have someone that's with you in that same area.

00:59:02.000 Like, that's the one thing that I wish that I had come to L.A. earlier or maybe later, not when I did, is because if I had come earlier, I would have that group of people.

00:59:12.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:59:13.000 You have that group that you go through with.

00:59:14.000 Man, you should never think like that.

00:59:15.000 You came at the exact right time for you.

00:59:17.000 You can't ever think like that, you know?

00:59:19.000 There's self-defeating thoughts like that don't get you anywhere.

00:59:21.000 Like, man, if I had just come this, you know, it's good to be around a group of people, but it's also good to be around some people that are way ahead of you and you're forced to pick up the pace and accelerate to their frequency.

00:59:33.000 I've been lucky as hell on that level because, and that goes back to the competition aspect of me.

00:59:40.000 It's like, just as far as, man, working with you, I've done shows with Bill Burr, just fucking fire-ass comics and it's like, dog, it's just, these dudes are so tight that it's just like it makes you look at your own shit and say, I gotta tighten this shit up.

00:59:57.000 Yeah.

00:59:57.000 That's what I'm supposed to be doing.

01:00:00.000 Not the jokes, but that's how it's supposed to be.

01:00:02.000 And this is what I'm doing, so I'm doing something wrong.

01:00:05.000 You know what I mean?

01:00:06.000 Right, right.

01:00:07.000 I know what you mean.

01:00:07.000 It's like that type of shit.

01:00:08.000 Yeah, that's one of the best things about being around high-level comedians like in L.A. You get to see real high-level stuff and be inspired by it and it makes your own, you recognize what you like about that.

01:00:20.000 What is it?

01:00:21.000 Oh, man, he's got very little time in between his punchlines.

01:00:23.000 He hits you hard with it.

01:00:24.000 And they're like, oh, you see that.

01:00:26.000 You're like, what am I enjoying?

01:00:27.000 And how come I'm not, my pace, I need to pick my pace up.

01:00:30.000 I need to do this.

01:00:31.000 Maybe I have too many words in these jokes.

01:00:32.000 It's fine.

01:00:35.000 And then the whole one thing that really trips me out about you is, and I'll tell him that, dog, it's so cool to know Joe because the funny part is he doesn't have to be funny, but he works at being funny.

01:00:49.000 Like looking at all these stars doing comedy nowadays, you could go out just as the UFC dude and make money.

01:00:56.000 I mean, that's not you, but you could do that.

01:00:59.000 But for you to even bother to work at this craft and actually be funny and work at it, dog, that says something about your personality, dog, because you really don't got to do it.

01:01:10.000 Well, sort of, but I do because it's what makes me better at everything I do.

01:01:14.000 It makes me a better commentator.

01:01:17.000 Doing stand-up, I think, makes me better as a human being.

01:01:20.000 It forces me to think about things on a whole other level.

01:01:23.000 It forces me to consider every single angle of every single subject, whether it's something that's going, a nuclear problem in China or financial bullshit, whatever the fuck it is.

01:01:33.000 When you're a comic, man, you start probing things, not just because you're curious about it, but also because, like, is there a joke in here?

01:01:40.000 What's the angle of this fucking thing?

01:01:41.000 It's really...

01:01:42.000 What's wrong?

01:01:43.000 How could this have been avoided?

01:01:43.000 Well, what the fuck?

01:01:44.000 How come they didn't do that?

01:01:46.000 Boom, there's the joke.

01:01:47.000 That's a lot of times.

01:01:47.000 You know what I mean?

01:01:49.000 It's really expanded my view on life.

01:01:53.000 Yeah.

01:01:53.000 And just a lot of things that I never thought about.

01:01:54.000 And you'll do it just like me.

01:01:55.000 You'll do it forever.

01:01:56.000 No matter whatever else comes, that's the one thing that you'll realize is that comedy is the most fun.

01:02:01.000 It's the most rewarding.

01:02:02.000 And, like, even a fucking hundred people, or 80 tomorrow night, or tonight, rather.

01:02:06.000 We're doing Sal's Comedy Hall.

01:02:07.000 There'll be 80 people there tonight.

01:02:08.000 Are you coming?

01:02:09.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:02:09.000 You gonna do it?

01:02:10.000 It's an awesome place.

01:02:11.000 Sal's Comedy Hall is the shit.

01:02:12.000 If you've never been, we're there tonight.

01:02:14.000 We're there almost every Wednesday.

01:02:15.000 I won't be there next week.

01:02:16.000 But almost every Wednesday, it's on Melrose Street, and it's this fun little tight-ass club.

01:02:21.000 And we go in there, and we fuck around.

01:02:23.000 And it's, what was my point?

01:02:24.000 What the hell was I talking about before that?

01:02:26.000 As far as expanding your mind as far as how you think, and then doing comedy forever, and that's the most fun that you have.

01:02:33.000 Yeah, it's the most fun.

01:02:34.000 The point was, yeah, it doesn't matter if it's 80 people, or if it's fucking, you know, Toronto, April 29th, I'm doing.

01:02:40.000 That's 2,500 people, you know?

01:02:42.000 It's almost sold out, too.

01:02:43.000 2,500 fucking people.

01:02:44.000 I did 1,800 in Seattle.

01:02:46.000 You know, you do these giant fucking shows.

01:02:48.000 They're fun as shit.

01:02:50.000 But guess what?

01:02:51.000 It's also fun to do 50 fucking people.

01:02:53.000 It's fun.

01:02:53.000 It's fun to do a late-night show.

01:02:55.000 You stop in on a Wednesday night at the...

01:02:57.000 improv and you go on last and it's the 10 p.m show and there's a hundred people in that audience and they're tired and it's still fun as shit it doesn't matter if it's on television it doesn't when you start getting good at comedy you will realize that that is the number one fun thing to do as an entertainer so all my other shit that i do i kind of do like also but if i had to choose one it would be comedy that's what i was thinking like if like if like if somebody took everything away and said all you can do is one thing it wouldn't even be close there's i wouldn't say there's no way i would just

01:03:27.000 commentating for the UFC.

01:03:28.000 Because I'm a fucking fan of fighting, of MMA.

01:03:31.000 I would be a fan just as big if I never worked for the UFC a day in my life.

01:03:36.000 If tomorrow the UFC called me up and said, go fuck yourself, we're hiring Mario Lopez.

01:03:41.000 You know, you're getting old, dude, it's over.

01:03:44.000 If they did that, I'd be like, all right, I guess I'm just watching on TV from now on.

01:03:49.000 I would watch the same amount of fights.

01:03:51.000 I wouldn't be there for the prelims because I wouldn't see the live shows.

01:03:53.000 But dude, I'd probably watch the same amount of televised fights.

01:03:56.000 And that's one of the theories that I've always had.

01:04:01.000 It's like, dog, I want to do this for the rest of my life.

01:04:03.000 So that's why I guess I'm not...

01:04:05.000 You're an artist.

01:04:06.000 I guess that's why I'm not really in a hurry for a lot of things.

01:04:09.000 Like, this is going to be my first TV credit of any kind ever, man.

01:04:14.000 Your comedy will make you better at everything else you try to do, too.

01:04:16.000 See, if you want to try to do something else, like say if you try to, one day you want to host a talk show or one day you want to do some other kind of a television show, you're going to get better at it because you're a comic.

01:04:26.000 It makes you...

01:04:26.000 It's the hardest...

01:04:27.000 It's the most rewarding, but it's also the most difficult form, in my opinion, of talking.

01:04:32.000 So how do you feel about these dudes that just run out here because they put together a comedy tour just because?

01:04:40.000 I think as I've gotten older, one thing that I've gotten really good at is finding who to get mad at and who it's a waste of time to get mad at.

01:04:46.000 And one of the things that's a waste of time to get mad at is some person just trying to make it.

01:04:50.000 Who gives a fuck what they're doing?

01:04:53.000 Whether they're doing some stupid fucking game show on television like I did, they're doing you know they're they're Trying to do stand-up comedy when they're 37 years old and they're just coming off a sitcom and they never did stand-up ever.

01:05:04.000 What just fucking look at Charlie Murphy, who's a good friend of mine, man.

01:05:08.000 Charlie Murphy, I admire the fuck out of what he did.

01:05:11.000 Charlie Woods.

01:05:13.000 Charlie Murphy jumped right in as a headliner.

01:05:15.000 Right, dude.

01:05:16.000 He and I went on the road.

01:05:17.000 We did 22 gigs together, okay?

01:05:19.000 And this guy had only been doing comedy for like a couple of years, right?

01:05:22.000 It was like two years.

01:05:22.000 Jesus.

01:05:23.000 We're doing thousands of seeders, you know, 2,000, 2,500 seeders, giant fucking places.

01:05:30.000 And Charlie's going on after me, and I'm doing an hour.

01:05:32.000 I'm doing an hour.

01:05:34.000 We're co-headlining.

01:05:35.000 We went back and forth and back and forth.

01:05:35.000 We did this.

01:05:37.000 That motherfucker's got balls. 1.00

01:05:39.000 He just jumped into the fire.

01:05:41.000 So, I mean, you know, there's people who go, these fucking guys, I hate these fucking guys.

01:05:45.000 They think you're a comic.

01:05:46.000 You're not a comic yet.

01:05:47.000 Yo, that guy's trying to be a comic.

01:05:48.000 And so is Steve-O, and so is, you know, other people that get into it, man.

01:05:52.000 It's fun.

01:05:53.000 There's room for more.

01:05:55.000 Everybody can be a comic.

01:05:56.000 You can be an 80-year-old doctor.

01:05:58.000 And one day you decide, you know what?

01:05:59.000 I want to do some fucking stand-up.

01:06:01.000 And I'll tell you what, if you go on stage and you kick some ass, comics will take you right in, right?

01:06:05.000 Don't you see that?

01:06:06.000 Like, you and I, when we met, here's the language that we understood.

01:06:10.000 You're funny.

01:06:11.000 You're funny.

01:06:12.000 I'm a comic.

01:06:13.000 You're a comic.

01:06:14.000 Like, this kid's a comic.

01:06:15.000 He's fucking funny.

01:06:16.000 Boom, you're in.

01:06:17.000 You know, that's how it is.

01:06:18.000 Real comics don't ever like say, oh, this guy's a headliner, but this guy's an opener.

01:06:22.000 We can't talk to him.

01:06:23.000 And with real comics, you're in when you're in.

01:06:26.000 Yeah, funny is funny.

01:06:27.000 But that's the thing that I think helped me out a lot is when I stopped getting mad at everybody.

01:06:34.000 At the end of the day, I'm still a comedy fan, man.

01:06:37.000 I love a good laugh.

01:06:38.000 Even if they suck.

01:06:39.000 I love a good laugh.

01:06:39.000 Even if they suck.

01:06:40.000 Just don't listen.

01:06:40.000 Just get out of the room when they're on stage.

01:06:42.000 There's guys that suck, man.

01:06:43.000 I can't watch them on stage because it hurts my head.

01:06:46.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:06:47.000 Like, it hurts what they're doing is so out of whack and it's not funny and so unaware.

01:06:53.000 it almost like screws up my sense of comedy.

01:06:55.000 And I get confused and I don't wanna go on stage and have, You're on their frequency, whether it's, you know, Joe Diaz or Louis C.K. Louis C.K. is a great example of that.

01:07:10.000 He's a great comic, but one of the things he does that's really great is he pulls you into the way he's thinking.

01:07:16.000 He pulls you into how he's looking things, and you start thinking the way he thinks as he's doing it.

01:07:21.000 And it's hilarious.

01:07:22.000 And that's one of the reasons.

01:07:23.000 But when someone's got some whack ass thoughts and they're unedited and they're sloppy and they're stupid and the shit they're saying makes no fucking sense and it's, oh, shut up. 0.51

01:07:33.000 You just got to leave the room.

01:07:34.000 But you can't be mad at them.

01:07:35.000 The guy's just trying to do his thing.

01:07:37.000 He just can't do it.

01:07:38.000 But I used to get mad at them.

01:07:38.000 Oh, no, definitely.

01:07:40.000 I used to get mad at people that sucked.

01:07:42.000 I used to get mad, especially if they were more successful than me.

01:07:44.000 I would get mad.

01:07:45.000 See, I am so glad that I'm past that because I got a problem with if I'm on stage and I'm bitter, I suck.

01:07:53.000 As long as I'm having fun, I'm good.

01:07:55.000 Well, not necessarily fun, but as long as I don't have, I had to take the bitterness out of my act because it was funny, but it wasn't, it was like people were like, that might be too much.

01:08:06.000 So once I got that bitterness out where, you know what, to each his own.

01:08:09.000 And just like you had said, it's room for all of us.

01:08:13.000 But I just wish that, you know, like for instance, one of my big pet peeves is, dog, I wish that white comics could say whatever they want to.

01:08:23.000 Because that would free black comics up in a way. 0.56

01:08:27.000 And I know it sounds crazy, but...

01:08:31.000 Yeah, but y'all can't say the N-word.

01:08:34.000 You can't say fact.

01:08:36.000 I can get away with saying faggot a lot easier than your average white comic could, just because I'm a black guy.

01:08:42.000 I disagree.

01:08:43.000 When Jim Norton says faggot, it comes out.

01:08:45.000 It's like poetry.

01:08:46.000 It's like music.

01:08:47.000 Well, that's, I mean, but that's one of the baddest comics going.

01:08:47.000 True.

01:08:51.000 I'm talking about even...

01:08:53.000 Any real comic can say what they're saying.

01:08:55.000 But even sorry black comics can say faggot and not have a point, and they don't get in any type of trouble. 0.95

01:09:01.000 It's not a type of trouble, but what they do do is the audience loses a little bit of respect for them.

01:09:05.000 Yeah, it still doesn't.

01:09:06.000 Especially if it doesn't belong.

01:09:07.000 If it doesn't belong in what they're saying.

01:09:09.000 Yeah, if they're just doing it for shock or they're doing it, it's an ignorant thing that they're saying.

01:09:12.000 It's a silly thing they're saying.

01:09:14.000 You lose value with the audience.

01:09:16.000 They don't respect the connection that you've made.

01:09:18.000 They'll let you keep going, but they've lost a piece of respect.

01:09:23.000 And that's really what's going on, man.

01:09:25.000 If you go up there with your thoughts, your thoughts are, you know, you have to hone them down to the best of your abilities to get them into these people's minds with the least ego possible, the most amount of respect for the person's attention span, and the most amount of focus on the material, like the most amount, so that you can hit points and notes and have ideas that they didn't come up with.

01:09:48.000 Like they didn't even, wow, I never even looked at it that way.

01:09:50.000 That's one of the best things about comedy, man.

01:09:52.000 When someone makes you laugh about some shit, and then they point out one thing, and you're like, fuck it, that's so true, man. 0.99

01:09:58.000 That is so ridiculous.

01:09:59.000 Why are they doing that?

01:10:01.000 You know, what the fuck?

01:10:02.000 Why aren't they, you know, why aren't they doing this?

01:10:05.000 Just like what happens with me a lot of times is like you I'll I'll talk about jail, but I'll also talk yeah how do you bring that up?

01:10:17.000 I'm shut a crackhead, whatever.

01:10:19.000 Well, it actually comes after me talking about it actually talks about me paying taxes now, which is a concept that is fascinating to me.

01:10:28.000 Like, I just started paying taxes like three years ago, and this whole taxpaying concept fascinates me.

01:10:34.000 And people find it weird, but what you got to understand is, oh, you don't pay taxes on dope money.

01:10:49.000 Come and get it because I don't know how much I fucking made it.

01:10:53.000 What if they go bring crackheads and bring them in the courtroom?

01:10:56.000 They would never be able to talk about it.

01:10:57.000 You could just say I was just kidding.

01:10:58.000 They bought off you.

01:11:00.000 I was just joking.

01:11:02.000 I bought a million dollars off of crack off this motherfucker. 0.50

01:11:04.000 Really?

01:11:06.000 Where did you get the million dollars?

01:11:07.000 I robbed a bank and this motherfucker sold me a million dollars worth of crackhead. 1.00

01:11:10.000 That's the beauty of comedy too.

01:11:11.000 It's a joke.

01:11:12.000 It's not a speech.

01:11:13.000 It's a joke.

01:11:13.000 Yeah, it's like, and then, but that's where the whole, that's where the whole thing about going to jail comes in is after I talk about paying taxes now.

01:11:20.000 How can you only go to jail for two years for shooting somebody?

01:11:23.000 Because it was an intent.

01:11:23.000 What's that all about?

01:11:24.000 It was miserable.

01:11:26.000 Well, I mean, you weren't trying to kill the guy.

01:11:26.000 Oh, yeah, it was.

01:11:28.000 I can't really talk about this.

01:11:29.000 You can't prove that.

01:11:29.000 Okay, but.

01:11:30.000 They aren't going to be able to do that.

01:11:31.000 Put it like this.

01:11:32.000 Put it like this: they never found a gun, so it's one of those things where the guy knew that I shot him, but they never found a gun.

01:11:38.000 And everybody did you say I didn't shoot him, I didn't bother.

01:11:42.000 That was that was me making a deal.

01:11:44.000 Like, I wasn't gonna fight this shit two fucking years for shooting somebody is pretty fucking good.

01:11:50.000 So, I just took the deal, and I'm like, fuck that.

01:11:52.000 I can do two.

01:11:53.000 I'm not what is it like doing two years in the pokey?

01:11:56.000 Dog, it's fucking.

01:11:57.000 Did you see a lot of rape?

01:11:58.000 Yes, really?

01:11:59.000 Yeah.

01:12:00.000 Like, what'd you say?

01:12:00.000 What's that smell?

01:12:01.000 No, just fucking.

01:12:02.000 What's it smell like?

01:12:03.000 Smells like rape. 1.00

01:12:04.000 No, just smell like.

01:12:05.000 Rape and poop. 1.00

01:12:06.000 Well, not even, well, it's your car.

01:12:08.000 Well, smells like giant women with not like, not like rape. 1.00

01:12:13.000 Not like rape, but just motherfuckers giving up that ass. 1.00

01:12:15.000 Like, just.

01:12:16.000 Really?

01:12:16.000 Yeah, it was just, it was just accepted for some motherfuckers.

01:12:20.000 Like.

01:12:21.000 A lot of it is like.

01:12:22.000 I was just thinking, coming up here, I remember playing a game of spades, right?

01:12:26.000 I was playing a spades game.

01:12:28.000 Yeah, cards, spades.

01:12:29.000 Please let him win at the end of this game.

01:12:31.000 No, no, no.

01:12:32.000 And then there was a dude sitting to my left like Joe is.

01:12:36.000 Another dude walked up behind him, tapped him on the shoulder.

01:12:38.000 Dude got up, pulled his pants down, and then went to his cell because that, because it's time.

01:12:42.000 It's just time for you to get fucked.

01:12:42.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:12:44.000 Whoa, whoa, whoa.

01:12:45.000 So the guy comes over, taps the dude.

01:12:47.000 You're playing cards with this dude.

01:12:48.000 And what does the guy look like?

01:12:49.000 He's just a regular looking dude.

01:12:51.000 Doesn't look like makeup on, nothing crazy.

01:12:53.000 And so he taps him, and the guy just pulls his pants down before he starts walking.

01:12:53.000 None of that shit.

01:12:56.000 Yeah.

01:12:57.000 So to let everybody know this is what's going on.

01:13:00.000 I guess it's just.

01:13:00.000 Not even that.

01:13:01.000 The way he do it.

01:13:03.000 I guess that was his choice, but he just.

01:13:04.000 So he goes in there, pulls his pants down, and the guy just starts fucking him in front of everybody?

01:13:07.000 Well, he well, he went into the cell.

01:13:10.000 Like he had a he had a cell over there, but he went into his cell and got done.

01:13:15.000 So the cells, a lot of times the cells are open and everybody's just wandering around.

01:13:18.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:13:19.000 What the fuck?

01:13:20.000 So it's like prison, how much time are you wandering around?

01:13:25.000 Okay, you got count like three times a day.

01:13:27.000 Well, the jails I was in, we had count four times a day.

01:13:31.000 So unless you had somebody do something stupid on what they call the tier, you'd be out for the rest of that day until it was either time to go to lunch, dinner.

01:13:40.000 So you get to hang out all day.

01:13:42.000 Yeah.

01:13:42.000 So basically jail is like you got a cell and the cell's open most of the time.

01:13:46.000 And you guys are just wandering around playing checkers and doing whatever the fuck you want.

01:13:46.000 Most of the time.

01:13:49.000 Tickling each other.

01:13:50.000 Sucking dicks.

01:13:51.000 Yeah, basically.

01:13:52.000 I was always curious about this.

01:13:53.000 I've had, you know, family members and I've never been able to ask them exactly.

01:13:55.000 And like as far as the prison rules, what's the socially acceptable allotment of time that you got to be in there before it's just socially acceptable to start fucking another dude?

01:14:02.000 Well, if you go in there for life, first day, you can start raping. 0.99

01:14:06.000 do this.

01:14:06.000 Yeah, that's a gift for you.

01:14:07.000 Let's do everything we never thought we'd do.

01:14:09.000 That's like a, well, I can't speak for every jail, but all I do know is- I was in jail in DC and then Maryland and then I was in Baltimore City.

01:14:21.000 They moved you around?

01:14:22.000 Yeah.

01:14:23.000 Wow.

01:14:24.000 And I can't speak for every jail.

01:14:27.000 Why did they move you?

01:14:28.000 Did you do some gangster shit?

01:14:33.000 For what?

01:14:33.000 For tickling.

01:14:34.000 No, not for tickling player.

01:14:38.000 Is that the first time you've ever said that?

01:14:40.000 Not for tickling player?

01:14:41.000 Yeah, that's a rare sentence.

01:14:45.000 That's a strange combination of words.

01:14:49.000 I just popped your now, you're tickling player.

01:14:52.000 Not for tickling player.

01:14:54.000 Yeah, that's a very rare statement.

01:14:56.000 That's a hardcore statement, right there.

01:14:59.000 No, but.

01:15:00.000 Why did you move you?

01:15:01.000 Okay, I went in, right, and I had some shoes, tennis shoes.

01:15:06.000 And these dudes wanted them. 0.92

01:15:08.000 And I had to fight them every day to keep my fucking shoes.

01:15:10.000 And then I got sick of fighting these guys.

01:15:12.000 So I had a bright idea that instead of fighting them, I'll just hit the CEO so niggas will think that I'm crazy. 1.00

01:15:18.000 Well, I did that.

01:15:20.000 And what happened was they got these people called this, they got these cops called the stormtroopers.

01:15:25.000 Like they'll run into the tier in riot gear if anything break out, like full riot gear, fucking all that shit.

01:15:31.000 I hit the CEO and these dudes roll in.

01:15:35.000 And when I woke up, I was in the infirmary.

01:15:37.000 I had broken ribs.

01:15:38.000 Like they fucked me up.

01:15:40.000 Damn.

01:15:41.000 So when I got out of the infirmary, they sent me to solitary for 45 days.

01:15:46.000 You should have asked somebody about that plan.

01:15:48.000 But who am I going to talk about?

01:15:51.000 I'm thinking about going crazy and fucking up a cop.

01:15:54.000 I didn't have a chance to fuck him up.

01:15:56.000 I hit that cop one time.

01:15:58.000 Just a body shot.

01:15:59.000 Just so niggas think, dog, before I think I drew my fist back, I had like 10 motherfuckers in right now. 1.00

01:16:05.000 So they said I want to take your shoes after that?

01:16:07.000 Yeah.

01:16:09.000 Oh, the cops fucked me up.

01:16:09.000 No, no, no.

01:16:11.000 people thought I was nuts and it's like but the whole Yeah.

01:16:18.000 And then once I...

01:16:23.000 No, no, nobody.

01:16:23.000 Not every day.

01:16:24.000 I would just poop on my shoes and then no one would want it.

01:16:26.000 Doesn't work.

01:16:27.000 Brian, like think in advance.

01:16:29.000 I like the way you can.

01:16:30.000 You know, you like pee on your own shit.

01:16:31.000 It doesn't wear your peepee.

01:16:32.000 They'll clean them off.

01:16:33.000 They'll just clean it off.

01:16:34.000 You're in jail.

01:16:35.000 You aren't here, dog.

01:16:38.000 It's a whole different mentality.

01:16:39.000 They'll just clean them off. 0.97

01:16:40.000 Big deal.

01:16:41.000 Yeah, they'll clean that shoe off. 0.99

01:16:42.000 I would fucking rub it into the inside of the shoe.

01:16:46.000 I'm not my balls on the outside of the shit or something.

01:16:48.000 That's not your way.

01:16:49.000 No, they liked it.

01:16:51.000 No what always kills me is whenever somebody say how they would survive in jail, it's always wrong.

01:16:58.000 Well, Brian has a whole way to get away from rape.

01:17:01.000 Yeah, Brian has a bunch of raw.

01:17:01.000 Yeah, when some guy's trying to make me suck his dick, I'll just grab his balls and run as fast as I can the opposite direction.

01:17:07.000 He'll pull the ball off the ball.

01:17:09.000 He feels like he can't.

01:17:10.000 I can dig my nails in there and grab a vein or two and just fucking pop it.

01:17:14.000 Where are you going to go when you run away?

01:17:16.000 Huh?

01:17:16.000 I'm going to be ripping his balls and wearing it as a mask down the fucking whatever it's called, the stairway.

01:17:21.000 But there's tomorrow.

01:17:22.000 Huh?

01:17:23.000 Yeah, I'll have the mask on my head still, and no one will fuck with me because I'll rip your balls off. 0.91

01:17:27.000 But there's tomorrow.

01:17:28.000 Mask.

01:17:29.000 And then by the mask, some guy starts front me, I'll tickle him.

01:17:29.000 And guess what?

01:17:32.000 There's no happy end to this conversation.

01:17:33.000 Yeah, because he's not going to be afraid of that.

01:17:34.000 Especially not for our listeners.

01:17:36.000 Our listeners right now are hemorrhaging.

01:17:38.000 They're in the cars going, shut him the fuck up.

01:17:43.000 Shut him up.

01:17:44.000 I swear to God, I'll unsubscribe to this fucking stupid podcast.

01:17:47.000 This ridiculous boy.

01:17:49.000 You already hear this ridiculous idea.

01:17:50.000 Nobody's asked.

01:17:51.000 17 podcasts ago.

01:17:55.000 He didn't even hold it.

01:17:56.000 It's still just as he already tried this idea.

01:17:58.000 Yes, this is his idea.

01:17:59.000 Look, it's what he's going to do.

01:18:00.000 It's his plan.

01:18:01.000 God bless you.

01:18:01.000 It's my plan.

01:18:02.000 you never know, man.

01:18:03.000 He might have a killer grip.

01:18:04.000 Some dudes have a grip that's very shocking.

01:18:04.000 I do.

01:18:06.000 Every now and then, like you do, jiu-jitsu with a guy who grabs your wrist and you go, God damn, this motherfucker's got a grip.

01:18:11.000 You know, I can't even get my fucking hand frame on my ball.

01:18:15.000 Some guys, some guys can hold on to you, man.

01:18:16.000 Brian, maybe, maybe Brian's got that kind of grip.

01:18:18.000 I hope so, because that idea sucked.

01:18:21.000 I can tell you, that shit sucked.

01:18:22.000 Well, listen, at least he's got a plan.

01:18:24.000 He do have a plan.

01:18:25.000 Like a lot of people don't have a plan.

01:18:28.000 Know what a much better plan is?

01:18:29.000 Don't fucking go to jail.

01:18:30.000 Yeah, avoid trade, I guess.

01:18:32.000 It's like the absence heath.

01:18:33.000 Is this Japanese nuclear power plant, is that the worst plan that human beings have ever made? 1.00

01:18:38.000 As far as plans that didn't work out?

01:18:40.000 Plans that were a huge disaster?

01:18:42.000 Is there a single worse plan than building a nuclear reactor on a fucking I don't think that's how AIDS happened, bro.

01:18:52.000 I don't think anybody really fucked a monkey.

01:18:52.000 Yeah.

01:18:54.000 I think that's just a Sam Kinnis.

01:18:57.000 Did they actually know that that shit was on a fault line?

01:19:00.000 Oh, for sure.

01:19:00.000 So, yeah, they built it to last, to take it up to an 8.2.

01:19:04.000 They thought that was pretty generous.

01:19:06.000 You know, that's a pretty extravagant earthquake.

01:19:08.000 They got a fucking nine.

01:19:08.000 That's on the same time.

01:19:10.000 After yesterday's podcast, a lot of people are saying that it's not as bad in Japan as everyone's saying.

01:19:14.000 That's nonsense.

01:19:15.000 That's not true at all.

01:19:15.000 They've just upgraded it to Chernobyl status.

01:19:18.000 It's bad.

01:19:19.000 I knew that the other day.

01:19:21.000 Here's the thing about it being bad.

01:19:22.000 It's not getting better.

01:19:23.000 Okay?

01:19:24.000 It's getting better maybe in 100,000 years.

01:19:26.000 And it's getting more and more fucked up.

01:19:28.000 And more and more nuclear materials is leaking.

01:19:31.000 The reason why it keeps getting worse and now it's at level seven Chernobyl levels is because it's getting worse.

01:19:36.000 It's not, it's like, well, it's going to get to a certain point, then it's just going to stop.

01:19:40.000 This is a bad situation.

01:19:42.000 It's bad.

01:19:43.000 And Japan is not big, man.

01:19:45.000 It's not like this shit is happening in Nebraska and you're living in Alaska and it never really hits you.

01:19:45.000 It's not big.

01:19:50.000 No, this is, Japan is fucking tiny, man.

01:19:53.000 It's a latest place.

01:19:54.000 So let me take a wild guess.

01:19:56.000 They built it on a fault line because the land was cheap or whatever.

01:19:59.000 So they decided to build it.

01:20:00.000 Well, all of Japan, I mean, Japan is an island, you know, and it's not that big.

01:20:05.000 So there's a lot of spots in Japan where the fucking ground moves.

01:20:07.000 Like, what are you going to do?

01:20:08.000 You're just going to hope that you've got it figured out where it doesn't go bad if the ground moves.

01:20:13.000 But they never knew the ground was going to go to a nine.

01:20:15.000 I mean, nine for five minutes.

01:20:17.000 I mean, it just broke everything.

01:20:18.000 And then the tsunami came in and killed the generators, and they couldn't cool the rods down.

01:20:23.000 They didn't cut a break there, did they?

01:20:24.000 Jesus.

01:20:25.000 Not only that, but they didn't plan it out well.

01:20:26.000 It's like one of the worst plans ever.

01:20:28.000 We're going to create some sort of a reactor that harnesses the power of the fucking sun, but we don't know how to shut it off.

01:20:36.000 Yeah, just in case.

01:20:38.000 Yeah, we don't know what happens if the power goes out.

01:20:39.000 We're good for about eight hours.

01:20:42.000 They had battery backup for eight hours.

01:20:45.000 Yeah.

01:20:46.000 So in those eight hours, you got a fucking bunch of people.

01:20:49.000 Okay, how fucking greedy are these motherfuckers?

01:20:52.000 Like, nobody thought, like, hey, it's possible for acceptable risks they were willing to take, what they felt were acceptable risks.

01:21:00.000 And the acceptable risks just really aren't that planned out.

01:21:03.000 Human beings have such a narrow, we have such a narrow window of reference because our lives are only 30, 40, you know, 50 years by the time we're making these choices.

01:21:12.000 You don't learn that much in those 50 years.

01:21:14.000 You just don't.

01:21:15.000 And then when you add those 50 years to all the fucking, the previous people that have lived to be 50, 60 years old in human history and all they've figured out, and you're at the forefront of it, and you've created this new thing called nuclear power.

01:21:26.000 And you're the guy who's like, you know, people are listening to you.

01:21:28.000 Like, how do we do this?

01:21:29.000 Well, this is what we do.

01:21:30.000 We've got this thing and it cools the rods.

01:21:32.000 What happens when it goes off?

01:21:33.000 We've got fail safes.

01:21:33.000 Well, don't worry.

01:21:34.000 Everything's going to be fine.

01:21:35.000 Okay, this guy says it's good.

01:21:36.000 Let's go with him.

01:21:37.000 Well, he's a clueless fuck.

01:21:38.000 Just like we're all clueless fucks.

01:21:40.000 It's been around for about, what, one human lifetime?

01:21:42.000 Yes, we don't have enough fucking... 0.89

01:21:46.000 Sometimes, yes, sometimes.

01:21:49.000 And sometimes it eats a hole through the earth and kills everything within 100 miles.

01:21:53.000 You know, yeah, sometimes it's fucked.

01:21:55.000 I hate to sound like a dickhead, but like, how does that affect us?

01:21:59.000 It just affects us very badly.

01:22:01.000 Because first of all, there's nuclear reactors in Orange County, and they're on fault lines.

01:22:06.000 And anything over an 8.2, shit gets very tricky, and you don't know what the fuck happens.

01:22:10.000 If they have a big 8.2 down in fucking the OC, and that nuclear power plant gets fucked, and the power can't come back on, they can't cool the rods, and it just, and it goes into a meltdown, whoa, we're fucked.

01:22:22.000 Mexico's fucked.

01:22:23.000 San Diego's fucked.

01:22:24.000 Everyone's fucked.

01:22:25.000 You know, these guys that are doing this in Japan, they don't know how to shut this off.

01:22:29.000 And they've got engineers that are willing to risk their lives going in there trying to shut things down.

01:22:33.000 There's over 50 guys have gone in there knowing for sure that it's a death sentence, knowing for sure that they're going to get cancer, they're going to die horrible, terrible deaths because of radiation exposure.

01:22:43.000 And they're still doing it.

01:22:44.000 They're still doing it.

01:22:45.000 They took chances.

01:22:46.000 They went there until they couldn't take it anymore, and then they went to the hospital for radiation poisoning.

01:22:49.000 And they're fucked.

01:22:50.000 And they still get 100% death wish.

01:22:52.000 Guess what?

01:22:52.000 They wouldn't do that in America.

01:22:54.000 No one's going to do that here.

01:22:55.000 Can't they take that Honda robot and make him do whatever that has to be done?

01:22:58.000 Honda robot's a retard, bro. 1.00

01:23:00.000 He can't do shit.

01:23:01.000 He's good at, like, he plays basketball.

01:23:02.000 That's it.

01:23:04.000 You can't get him to fucking drill rods and pull rods.

01:23:07.000 Who was the fucking robot that was the Honda?

01:23:08.000 They're playing basketball.

01:23:09.000 They're a bunch of robots.

01:23:10.000 Well, they don't really play basketball.

01:23:11.000 They have different things that they do.

01:23:12.000 Like one of them.

01:23:13.000 Can't he dribble a ball?

01:23:14.000 I think they could dance.

01:23:15.000 I can think they could do everything.

01:23:16.000 I mean, they could throw an armatron.

01:23:18.000 Obviously, it's programmed.

01:23:20.000 I'm like, if that fucker can dance, send him down there.

01:23:24.000 Ooh, your way down there and make it more positive.

01:23:27.000 Eventually, that's no doubt that's going to happen.

01:23:29.000 Eventually, there's going to be a robot that can do every single thing, any movement and articulation that a human being can.

01:23:34.000 Because, look, we know how a human works.

01:23:36.000 We know how to do it.

01:23:37.000 I'm scared of that type of shit.

01:23:38.000 Hopefully, like, that type of shit scares me.

01:23:40.000 That's some Terminator robots.

01:23:42.000 Not necessarily robots.

01:23:43.000 It's just getting to the point where I'm that dependent on a robot.

01:23:48.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:23:49.000 Because I know that I'm lazy.

01:23:51.000 So if I had a robot to do that shit, I would do it.

01:23:54.000 Fuck, you know, I like do that and do that and do that.

01:23:57.000 And then it turns out I'm not doing shit no more.

01:24:00.000 Like, basically.

01:24:01.000 And I'm.

01:24:02.000 Yeah, but what makes you think you would do that?

01:24:03.000 You know, because I'm fucking lazy, Joe.

01:24:06.000 Yeah, but believe me, man.

01:24:07.000 Robots are expensive.

01:24:09.000 It's going to be hard to get that robot.

01:24:10.000 It's not going to be easy.

01:24:11.000 Oh, no.

01:24:13.000 In your lifetime, robots are never going to be cheap.

01:24:15.000 By the time a robot's cheap, you'll be dead.

01:24:17.000 Thank you, man.

01:24:18.000 Or you'll be downloaded into a robot.

01:24:20.000 It'll be like that movie in Molly, though.

01:24:21.000 That's possible, too.

01:24:23.000 Downloaded into a robot.

01:24:24.000 There's a movie that's out right now, no, Transcendent Man?

01:24:30.000 Yeah, Transcendent Man, the Ray Kurzweil documentary, and it's out right now on iTunes.

01:24:35.000 Yeah, Transcendent Man.

01:24:36.000 I watched half of it today before the podcast.

01:24:38.000 I'm going to watch the rest of it later.

01:24:40.000 It's fascinating shit.

01:24:41.000 And Ray Kurzweil is this super genius who's made a bunch of different inventions.

01:24:46.000 And he's at the forefront of the idea of the exponential growth of technology eventually coming to a point where there's some sort of a singularity, an artificial intelligence, and a potential, like potential download of the human consciousness into computers.

01:25:06.000 You will live forever as long as the power stays on, as long as you can figure out a way to have a power source.

01:25:13.000 That is a bit much for me, man.

01:25:15.000 It's a bit much, but it's fascinating because it's all about, first of all, it's about nanotechnology and the idea of these little tiny computers that are going to be the size of a cell of blood, a blood cell, and they're going to be in your bloodstream repairing things and fixing cancer and doing all kinds of crazy shit.

01:25:30.000 That's the, that's the awesome shit.

01:25:31.000 That's the scary shit.

01:25:32.000 That's the type of shit that I was saying.

01:25:34.000 Like, only in comedy, only in comedy would I've ever heard about this shit.

01:25:38.000 Because I'm telling you, as far as building my mind and expanding that shit, oh, you don't hear about this shit when you're on the corner in DC fucking slinging crackers like that.

01:25:47.000 Yeah, you don't hear this.

01:25:48.000 It's in the cubicle.

01:25:49.000 It's fucking nanotechnology and shit like that.

01:25:52.000 Yeah, a lot of people don't hear about this stuff until they hear about it on Twitter or they hear about it on Facebook or they hear about on this podcast.

01:25:58.000 And I hear about a lot of this shit, a lot of the things that I hear about.

01:26:00.000 Like I found out Transcendent Man was out.

01:26:02.000 I knew it was coming out on DVD, but I thought it was like in a few months.

01:26:06.000 But it came out on iTunes first.

01:26:07.000 And the only reason I found out is somebody put it up on Twitter.

01:26:10.000 I mean, it's, and I find out so much on Twitter.

01:26:13.000 So many different weird, fucking, interesting stories.

01:26:16.000 Well, because I like, because I like follow you on Twitter and you'll be posting some shit.

01:26:19.000 And I'll go to it and I'm like, what in the hell?

01:26:22.000 It's like, you'll post stories that ain't nobody would even think of.

01:26:27.000 and I'm just like, what the fuck?

01:26:28.000 Just from the...

01:26:34.000 Well, what it is, is that computers are eventually going to get stronger and stronger and smaller and smaller.

01:26:40.000 I mean, that's just the trend they've always done.

01:26:42.000 And they're going to be able to do more and more and more.

01:26:44.000 And eventually what they're going to be able to do is they're going to be able to figure out what are the components of a human being and how can we reproduce that.

01:26:51.000 Because they can make artificial flesh already.

01:26:53.000 They've already figured out a way to make artificial ham.

01:26:56.000 They've figured out a way to make artificial, like, they've grown ears on rats.

01:26:59.000 You ever seen that?

01:27:00.000 Like, grow a human ear on a mouse's body?

01:27:02.000 Oh, I don't buy.

01:27:03.000 They haven't done a human yet.

01:27:04.000 They know how to do so much that eventually it's going to get better.

01:27:08.000 And as it gets better, it's going to be an artificial human being.

01:27:11.000 Well, if they can do all those things.

01:27:13.000 It was a goat or a lamb or something in Japan.

01:27:15.000 They had that feedback.

01:27:15.000 Oh, clone it.

01:27:16.000 Oh, Dolly the Sheep.

01:27:17.000 No, they cloned it, but that's not an artificial one.

01:27:19.000 That's just a duplicate.

01:27:20.000 Well, if they can do all of that, then why the fuck is there still a skid rope?

01:27:26.000 Well, here's a question.

01:27:27.000 Like, if you can do all of that stuff, you can't fix a human's development once it's developed.

01:27:34.000 That's when it's a real, it's like fixing a dog that's already fucking crazy.

01:27:38.000 You know, you got a dog that's already attacking babies and fucking bites cars and shit. 0.99

01:27:43.000 Man, try fixing that dog.

01:27:45.000 But to keep that dog from becoming that dog, that you can do.

01:27:49.000 If you treat the dog with love and respect and you train him and you train him that he's your buddy and you know, then you get a happy dog.

01:27:54.000 And when he meets people, he'll associate people with being happy.

01:27:57.000 You know, it'll be like a positive experience.

01:27:59.000 So you don't have to worry about retraining them.

01:28:00.000 It's retraining people that's hard.

01:28:02.000 You get the skid bro, they're already fucked. 1.00

01:28:05.000 So then would you consider somebody like me an exception to that rule that you just made?

01:28:10.000 Well, me, I'm an exception to it too.

01:28:12.000 I wasn't a perfect human being when I was a child.

01:28:13.000 I was fucking crazy.

01:28:14.000 I was crazy through most of my young 20s, you know, like legitimately crazy.

01:28:19.000 Right.

01:28:20.000 You know, and if you, if you know, you look at who you are now and who you used to be, and there's evolution, but it has to be from yourself.

01:28:26.000 You have to decide to do it on your own.

01:28:28.000 It's very difficult.

01:28:29.000 You got to be objective.

01:28:30.000 You're going to have to probably do drugs.

01:28:31.000 You're going to have to fucking find yourself for real.

01:28:33.000 You're going to need mushrooms.

01:28:34.000 Well, that's what, know what?

01:28:35.000 That's what.

01:28:35.000 You won't really get there on your own.

01:28:36.000 No what?

01:28:37.000 That's what, well, I beg to differ a little bit.

01:28:40.000 I think that's what me being in isolation did for me when I was in jail.

01:28:46.000 Makes sense.

01:28:47.000 Because it's no, like, dog, like.

01:28:49.000 You have to think.

01:28:50.000 You have to.

01:28:51.000 I mean, after you blame the lawyers and God and your parents, you still got 43 days left to fucking analyze yourself.

01:28:59.000 Here's the deal, man.

01:29:00.000 Here's the deal with your life.

01:29:00.000 You can blame everybody for your problems in life and you might be right, but you can't change that.

01:29:07.000 What you can change is what you think and how you react and what power you give other people's actions and thoughts over you.

01:29:15.000 That's what I was saying from getting pissed off at them by using that energy for yourself, using that energy for positive shit, using that energy to try to accomplish shit.

01:29:15.000 Right.

01:29:24.000 Like, that could either drive you crazy or it could make you a better person.

01:29:29.000 And that's why, you know, I know that I brought a lot of shit on myself, but I'm glad that I was able to use the time that I was in jail to say, dog, you can't keep doing this dumb shit, man.

01:29:42.000 You have to try to do something, be it comic.

01:29:45.000 And the reason that I even bothered to think that I could be a comic is because that was one of my survivals while I was in jail.

01:29:52.000 I've always been this size.

01:29:53.000 So I was the guy that if somebody did something or said something, I had something quick to say that kept brothers smiling.

01:30:00.000 Because, dog, that's a long time to be anywhere.

01:30:03.000 So just a smile for that one day or like a laugh, especially in jail, means a whole lot more than just us talking and laughing here.

01:30:12.000 Because dog, it's a miserable existence.

01:30:15.000 It really is.

01:30:16.000 No, not to say that I didn't deserve to be there, but dog, it fucking sucks.

01:30:22.000 It's like, don't let rappers fool you.

01:30:24.000 That shit sucks, man.

01:30:26.000 It's nothing hard about doing something stupid and winding up in jail.

01:30:30.000 It's fucking dumb.

01:30:31.000 It's really stupid to do something to wind up in jail.

01:30:35.000 And it's just fucking awful.

01:30:37.000 Joey Diaz has the same story that when he was in jail, making people laugh in jail is what got him into being a stand-up comedian.

01:30:43.000 They would have show movies or something.

01:30:44.000 The movie would suck.

01:30:45.000 They'd say, Coco, get up there.

01:30:46.000 Get up there and tell stories.

01:30:48.000 And he would get up there and he'd start making everybody laugh.

01:30:50.000 And that's like what started him off on the road to being a comic.

01:30:53.000 Well, see, I, but then the other part of it, I also stuttered.

01:30:58.000 So what would happen is Like if I said something that was slick, people would laugh.

01:31:03.000 And sometimes I would try to talk and stutter and people would laugh.

01:31:06.000 So either way, I'm cool.

01:31:08.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:31:09.000 So, but with that, with just that laughter, man, like laughter is something that I think that we as comics shouldn't take for granted.

01:31:17.000 It's a powerful thing.

01:31:18.000 Like, if it can help somebody get through jail, like just laughing once a day, just like, dog, it's very powerful.

01:31:25.000 It's a very powerful thing.

01:31:27.000 We don't think about it because it seems frivolous.

01:31:29.000 It seems like, oh, you're just laughing.

01:31:30.000 You're silly.

01:31:31.000 You're a silly person.

01:31:33.000 It's important for your health.

01:31:34.000 It really, mental health also.

01:31:36.000 It's like, dog, some shit, just fucking let it ride, man.

01:31:40.000 Like, let it ride.

01:31:41.000 And even with what I'm doing as far as comedy, man, it's like, dog, it's really cool to make people laugh.

01:31:52.000 Like, I've gotten to that point.

01:31:54.000 I've been the angry dude, but now it's really cool to make people laugh, man.

01:31:59.000 It's really fucking cool.

01:32:00.000 Well, you're pushing positive instead of negative, you know?

01:32:03.000 That's what it is.

01:32:03.000 I mean, you have to find some shitty things in your life to figure out what you don't want to be doing, learn from your mistakes, and then you move on.

01:32:09.000 Yeah, and just like, just like, for instance, and something else with being in solitary confinement is I'm not as concerned with what goes on around me as far as which was that first statement that I was making as far as racism, but we already cleared that up.

01:32:26.000 No, I don't care.

01:32:28.000 I'm a country music fan.

01:32:30.000 Why do you like country music?

01:32:32.000 No, I love it.

01:32:32.000 Probably because I'm a drinker first, but I like country music.

01:32:36.000 I don't even know why, though.

01:32:38.000 I like Dwight Yoakum.

01:32:41.000 I like mostly all of it, man.

01:32:44.000 Other than that country pop shit where you got pop stars that couldn't make it as pop, so they try to do country now.

01:32:51.000 I think that's a little bit much.

01:32:52.000 But other than that, like straight country, I love it, man.

01:32:54.000 Well, I'm a big Johnny Cash fan, but I never even think of Johnny Cash as being country.

01:32:58.000 Johnny Cash is like some weird white rap.

01:33:01.000 I'd say I'm a Johnny Cash fan.

01:33:02.000 I wouldn't say I'm a country music fan.

01:33:03.000 But yeah, I like country music.

01:33:06.000 Sue, that song, man, that's not really a country music song, man.

01:33:10.000 My name is Sue.

01:33:11.000 How do you do?

01:33:12.000 That's like the thumb he's talking about.

01:33:14.000 Yeah, it's like you take a sad story and you do something good with it.

01:33:17.000 How did he get away with that back then, dog?

01:33:19.000 Cut off a piece of my ear.

01:33:21.000 He has a fucking song about a knife fight with his dad where his dad cuts off a piece of his ear.

01:33:27.000 You know, it was written by, what's his name?

01:33:28.000 Shel Silverstein, the poet.

01:33:30.000 Oh, Shelberst.

01:33:31.000 Yeah, man.

01:33:31.000 Really?

01:33:32.000 He didn't write that.

01:33:32.000 It's like his song.

01:33:33.000 He made it his, but he didn't write that.

01:33:35.000 Silverstein mother.

01:33:36.000 Now I have to respect Shel Silverstein.

01:33:38.000 Hey, I'm so stunned, but I've noticed that you say the word dog a lot.

01:33:41.000 Is that something you've been doing your whole life for?

01:33:45.000 I know, but I don't have a word like that, I guess.

01:33:47.000 You need to get one, son.

01:33:48.000 No, that's my word.

01:33:50.000 I need to get a word.

01:33:51.000 Son, cat.

01:33:52.000 Yo, cat.

01:33:54.000 Cat, I can say cat.

01:33:55.000 Hey, cat.

01:33:56.000 No, I guess it's a DC thing, too, man.

01:33:59.000 We like Stevens.

01:34:00.000 He's a DC.

01:34:00.000 That's a drainer.

01:34:02.000 That and like player.

01:34:03.000 Player.

01:34:04.000 Players.

01:34:04.000 Yeah.

01:34:05.000 That might have been one of the funniest things that's ever been said on the podcast.

01:34:07.000 Not for tickling, player.

01:34:12.000 It might have been one of the top lines.

01:34:14.000 Please don't make a t-shirt out of that because I would die laughing.

01:34:16.000 Awesome.

01:34:17.000 Not particularly.

01:34:19.000 If there's a demand, we might have to start doing podcast quote t-shirts.

01:34:23.000 Yeah, that's a pretty good one.

01:34:24.000 Not for tickling, player.

01:34:25.000 Or the one with you on the Wikipedia, too.

01:34:27.000 Yeah, I'm on my man.

01:34:29.000 Oh, there's already 10 entries in the Wikipedia where people put that in.

01:34:32.000 Of course.

01:34:33.000 I'm on some man shit.

01:34:35.000 I like that.

01:34:36.000 But, dog, that's how I like see you as because, you know, dealing with comics is basically like dealing with females for the most. 1.00

01:34:43.000 Like strippers. 1.00

01:34:44.000 Yeah.

01:34:46.000 So like, so like talking to Joe is cool because that's what I call it.

01:34:49.000 Like Joe is on some man shit, so we can just talk as two men without me having to worry about hurting his feelings or saying something that now you in a corner fucking crying or some shit like that.

01:34:59.000 So it's like, that's why I say it's some man shit. 1.00

01:35:02.000 It's like, dog, it's just two men fucking conversating. 0.99

01:35:05.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:35:05.000 Conversating.

01:35:06.000 I love that word.

01:35:07.000 For those of you listening at home and you hear that crackling in the background, what the fuck is that?

01:35:13.000 That is the volcano.

01:35:14.000 The sound was the...

01:35:18.000 The crackling?

01:35:19.000 The crackling is the plastic bag that contains the pure THC mint.

01:35:24.000 All right, it's okay, I'm back.

01:35:25.000 People actually wrote that on his Wikipedia.

01:35:28.000 He's on some man shit.

01:35:29.000 That's the exhale.

01:35:31.000 People wrote that on your Wikipedia.

01:35:33.000 Yeah, people wrote it like 10 times, man.

01:35:36.000 Somebody wrote on his man shit.

01:35:39.000 What's up with this playout?

01:35:40.000 I'm alright, good.

01:35:42.000 Don't be scared.

01:35:43.000 All right, good.

01:35:44.000 I guess that means I had it.

01:35:45.000 This is the home stretch.

01:35:45.000 Come on, man.

01:35:46.000 Okay, fuck it.

01:35:47.000 You know what?

01:35:49.000 That's what I'm talking about.

01:35:49.000 What do I do?

01:35:50.000 Just inhale.

01:35:51.000 Push it in and take a deep breath.

01:35:51.000 Just doing that.

01:35:53.000 It's just real life.

01:35:54.000 Take a deep breath, deep breath, and then blow it out.

01:35:57.000 That's what I'm talking about, dog.

01:35:59.000 You probably be good with one.

01:36:01.000 Yes, I think.

01:36:02.000 Keep you at one.

01:36:02.000 We don't want anybody going crazy here and trying to claw.

01:36:05.000 That is for the podcast right there.

01:36:07.000 Do you want anybody trying to claw the walls up?

01:36:07.000 All right.

01:36:11.000 So you know Tony Woods because you were a DC guy?

01:36:13.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:36:14.000 I met Tony Woods.

01:36:15.000 Tony did.

01:36:16.000 Tony's a funny guy.

01:36:17.000 Dog, he is incredible.

01:36:18.000 Tony Woods, if you're out there, holler at me.

01:36:19.000 If you're ever in LA, I'd love to have you on the podcast.

01:36:21.000 Tony's one of the funniest comics that I've ever seen.

01:36:25.000 I was in New York one night and Tony was doing the old Boston, right?

01:36:29.000 It was four people in the audience, right?

01:36:31.000 Tony is crushing.

01:36:33.000 Some lady has to go to the bathroom. 1.00

01:36:35.000 She's like, could you wait a second?

01:36:36.000 He waits for her to come back.

01:36:38.000 That's hilarious.

01:36:39.000 He does 20 more minutes.

01:36:40.000 He's the only guy I've ever seen get a standing oath from four people.

01:36:43.000 That's hilarious.

01:36:44.000 Yeah, there's something about doing those fucking sets.

01:36:46.000 We used to talk about that at the comedy store, too.

01:36:48.000 Those sets that you would get where there's only like 10 people in the audience or less.

01:36:51.000 It's so much fun.

01:36:52.000 I did two with Dangerfields once.

01:36:54.000 Me and a bunch of other dudes.

01:36:56.000 It was like three other comics that also did sets in front of fucking two people.

01:37:01.000 It was one of those gigs where Dangerfields was a weird place.

01:37:04.000 You know, it was like, it was Rodney Dangerfields.

01:37:07.000 Was it still down the street from the comic strip?

01:37:10.000 Because now it is.

01:37:11.000 I just remember it.

01:37:12.000 I don't even remember what street it was on.

01:37:14.000 I know it was somewhere on the east side.

01:37:15.000 I did a lot of gigs there, though.

01:37:16.000 Yeah, it was the east side.

01:37:17.000 But when I lived in New York, that was like one of my main spots because they gave you what they call prom shows.

01:37:22.000 And what prom shows were, and I did these with Al Lou Bell and I did these with Otto and George and a couple other guys.

01:37:30.000 I can't remember their names, but what we did was we were forced to do, they never took the audience out.

01:37:37.000 They would stuff them in with kids.

01:37:38.000 They were all like 17 and drunk and throwing up and falling out of their chairs and then violent.

01:37:43.000 Like one big football player got on stage and blew his fucking cigar smoke in Alou Bell's face and took the microphone from him.

01:37:51.000 And no one did shit about it, man.

01:37:52.000 He was a big ass kid.

01:37:53.000 He was a big kid.

01:37:54.000 And, you know, what they would do is these kids would be, they would do their prom.

01:37:58.000 They would, you know, have their prom, and then they would come to a comedy show.

01:38:00.000 And they never took the audience out.

01:38:02.000 They just kept pumping more people in.

01:38:05.000 So they wanted you to come up again.

01:38:07.000 You would do five or six shows in a night.

01:38:09.000 So they would have a rotation.

01:38:10.000 They would have a host and then they would have like an opener and then a second guy and the third guy.

01:38:15.000 And then you would go back up again.

01:38:17.000 And the same people would be there.

01:38:19.000 They would be there.

01:38:19.000 And they would say, you have to do the same act because we want to get rid of them.

01:38:22.000 But you're not going to do the same act.

01:38:24.000 You're not going to want to eat it, man.

01:38:26.000 You're not going to want to bomb.

01:38:27.000 So they would tell you to do the same act.

01:38:28.000 And I was like, look, man, you hired me to do comedy.

01:38:30.000 You can't tell me what comedy to do.

01:38:32.000 All right.

01:38:32.000 You know, once you, you're going to throw me up five times a night.

01:38:35.000 That's all good.

01:38:35.000 But you can't tell me what comedy to do.

01:38:37.000 I'm not going to die up there.

01:38:38.000 So the kids were still there.

01:38:40.000 Yeah, kids were still there.

01:38:40.000 And you would do half-hour sets and you would, or it depends.

01:38:44.000 Sometimes we do 20 minutes.

01:38:45.000 Depends on how many people are on the show.

01:38:46.000 But the kids were there and you would do your set.

01:38:49.000 And they wanted you to go and do the exact same set for the exact same kids in an hour and a half.

01:38:55.000 Because they wanted to get rid of the kids.

01:38:57.000 That's insanity.

01:38:57.000 And people would just pull up in limos.

01:39:00.000 And then the guy would come in every now and then.

01:39:02.000 Have you seen the show?

01:39:02.000 This guy's Bobby.

01:39:03.000 Have you seen the show?

01:39:04.000 Have you seen the show?

01:39:04.000 If you've seen it, please leave.

01:39:06.000 If you've seen it, please leave.

01:39:07.000 And these kids are just running around like fucking animals.

01:39:10.000 So I did that place.

01:39:10.000 So Danger Fields was a weird club, man.

01:39:13.000 It was real weird.

01:39:14.000 It was real dark and nobody went there, man.

01:39:16.000 It was fucking small crowds all the time.

01:39:19.000 And not the best comics, to be honest.

01:39:21.000 It wasn't like the highest level guys.

01:39:22.000 The highest level guys were the strip and the catch rising star back then.

01:39:26.000 So anyway, this fucking couple comes in. 1.00

01:39:28.000 We're all sitting around.

01:39:29.000 My spot was at like eight o'clock and I got there and everybody was just sitting in the in the bar area and the show was already supposed to have started.

01:39:37.000 I'm like, what the fuck's going on?

01:39:39.000 And they're like, there's no one here.

01:39:40.000 I go, there's no one here?

01:39:41.000 No one.

01:39:42.000 And then right when we were saying that, two people showed up.

01:39:42.000 Zero.

01:39:44.000 Right this way, ladies and gentlemen, right this way.

01:39:46.000 And they lead him into the showroom.

01:39:48.000 Like these people have no idea.

01:39:49.000 We're here to see the show.

01:39:50.000 And they pay their money and they get their tickets.

01:39:51.000 They think there's a fucking show going.

01:39:53.000 Of course, of course.

01:39:53.000 They walk in there.

01:39:54.000 It's dead empty.

01:39:56.000 And they sit down by themselves.

01:39:58.000 And ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your MC for this evening.

01:40:01.000 And he brings up the MC.

01:40:02.000 And the MC was some dude who had a little keyboard on stage.

01:40:06.000 You used to do this kind of a musical thing.

01:40:07.000 So he goes up in front of two fucking people.

01:40:10.000 And then another comic goes up and he does his set.

01:40:12.000 And then I went up and I did my set.

01:40:13.000 And then another guy went up.

01:40:14.000 And we did a real full show for two people.

01:40:17.000 Cool.

01:40:17.000 Sweet.

01:40:18.000 But when you do those, man, it's like you get a weird connection with people that you don't get.

01:40:23.000 You don't get in a big ass crowd.

01:40:25.000 I've done something very similar a couple of times, but I don't do my regular shit then.

01:40:30.000 I ended up just fucking around and being real sarcastic.

01:40:34.000 Yeah.

01:40:34.000 So I went to the store.

01:40:37.000 I do it completely different.

01:40:39.000 Just because I don't even want to bother trying.

01:40:42.000 I went to the store.

01:40:43.000 Well, you actually could do the opposite and it would help your act.

01:40:46.000 And the opposite being, realize how much of your act seems fake and you can get away with it because there's 200 people.

01:40:53.000 As opposed to when you're telling it just to one person, you can really trim the fat off your material that way.

01:40:58.000 For me, I find small crowds really make you trim the fat because you're not putting on a show anymore.

01:41:04.000 You're talking to people.

01:41:05.000 So conversation.

01:41:06.000 And when you're doing that, you really get to the real meat of the topic better instead of like some bullshit show stuff where you're saying things like, so first I not really.

01:41:06.000 Yeah.

01:41:17.000 Well, I thought.

01:41:19.000 Plus the fact that me personally, I think that if you paid your money, it doesn't matter if it's two or like $100.

01:41:26.000 Dog, y'all paid just as much as the rest of these people.

01:41:29.000 So why not give y'all something other than me fucking around? 0.88

01:41:32.000 Like, that's one thing I personally hate coming from New York is when people are like, oh, it's a full house tonight.

01:41:38.000 Who gives a fuck?

01:41:40.000 It's five people here, and all of them are paying $8 a fucking drink.

01:41:45.000 Let's have some fun.

01:41:46.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:41:46.000 That's how I look at it.

01:41:47.000 That's always the worst when the conversation is like.

01:41:50.000 There is no disappointment, especially with me at the stage that I'm at.

01:41:54.000 I know that y'all didn't come to see me anyway.

01:41:57.000 So for me to be arrogant, that's even more of me being a jackass.

01:42:01.000 Yeah, it just, you feel like more pressure.

01:42:03.000 That's what it feels like.

01:42:04.000 Doesn't it feel more pressure for you when there's like only a couple of people?

01:42:06.000 No, I don't even try.

01:42:09.000 But why not?

01:42:10.000 Why don't you try?

01:42:11.000 Because it's just, to me, that's just, I don't know.

01:42:13.000 I just not even want to.

01:42:15.000 But you clearly taught it through.

01:42:17.000 This motherfucker needs coffee more than anything. 1.00

01:42:19.000 I've done it three times, and all three times.

01:42:21.000 I just was like, fuck, there's two people here.

01:42:24.000 But then, all right, all right.

01:42:24.000 I don't give a shit.

01:42:25.000 But why wouldn't you give a shit?

01:42:26.000 Why wouldn't you treat those two people like it's a real show?

01:42:29.000 I don't know.

01:42:31.000 It seems like too much energy to waste on two people.

01:42:34.000 But dog, okay.

01:42:35.000 But all right.

01:42:36.000 If it's two people there, like didn't those what makes, I don't know, like, aren't they still special?

01:42:43.000 Here's the thing with me.

01:42:44.000 I started comedy completely different.

01:42:46.000 I, I, I, you know, I think of it as like I could jump on Ustream and talk to two people.

01:42:52.000 But I, I, I jump on you stream and I talk to like a hundred people immediately.

01:42:55.000 You know, to me, that's, that's way worth it than going to a comedy club and doing the same thing in front of two people that they're like, who's this guy on stage?

01:43:03.000 You know, like that person's not never going to follow me.

01:43:06.000 That person's not, if I do good, those two people are just going to, most likely just going to go away and not even remember that night.

01:43:12.000 Oh, that's a weird way of looking at it.

01:43:14.000 Yeah, that's pretty negative.

01:43:15.000 That's not a headache.

01:43:16.000 That's how I do it.

01:43:17.000 That's like, you know what?

01:43:18.000 But you're absolutely right.

01:43:20.000 Hold on, guys.

01:43:21.000 We can't talk over each other like this.

01:43:22.000 Okay.

01:43:22.000 You're absolutely right, though, man, because when you say that you started comedy differently, that's true because, like, I've had to do those shows.

01:43:32.000 Right.

01:43:33.000 Like, I've had to do a show for two people, period.

01:43:36.000 And you haven't had to do that.

01:43:38.000 So I guess.

01:43:39.000 Well, I do.

01:43:39.000 No, I mean, I do.

01:43:40.000 I do open mic almost every day and I do it in front of two people.

01:43:40.000 I do.

01:43:44.000 I've done what's even worse is five people that have seen your act a million times because they're all comics and they're not a servant audience.

01:43:50.000 But you also know that you're doing that.

01:43:52.000 So, like, doesn't he work with you a lot, Joe?

01:43:55.000 So then, if you're doing that, you already know that it's practice for you to perform in front of a lot of people.

01:43:55.000 Yeah, sometimes.

01:44:01.000 It's too easy for you to get on stage.

01:44:03.000 You don't appreciate it enough.

01:44:04.000 If you were really grinding, if you were really trying to really be a comic.

01:44:08.000 No, I'm talking about the situations I'm in, which is open mics.

01:44:12.000 It's like most of the time, if there's two people on stage.

01:44:14.000 If There's two people in that audience, man.

01:44:16.000 You got to treat those two people like that's a crowd.

01:44:18.000 You can do it.

01:44:19.000 It's harder to do.

01:44:20.000 Yeah, but you're not doing a real show in open mics.

01:44:22.000 You're just fucking around.

01:44:23.000 So like when I go on stage, I'm not going to do a full act.

01:44:25.000 You're doing material.

01:44:26.000 But you're doing material, right?

01:44:28.000 I don't just sit there with a thumb up my ass.

01:44:30.000 I'm just saying I don't do my normal shit.

01:44:32.000 I fucking just sit there and be like, so, you know, I do it like a completely different act.

01:44:36.000 It's like, hey, I'm not going to do that.

01:44:37.000 What I'm saying is that you don't have to do that.

01:44:40.000 You can do a version of your act that's better.

01:44:44.000 You know, you could trim it down and trim it down for two people.

01:44:47.000 Sometimes it feels weird, you know, and you realize what jokes that stand out in your act as being like artificial.

01:44:52.000 You know, when you're talking to two people, man, you can really, you feel like the jokes aren't good.

01:44:52.000 Exactly.

01:44:57.000 You know, they're like, man, this one needs work.

01:45:00.000 This shit's clunky.

01:45:01.000 It feels weird to talk to people.

01:45:02.000 What I'm saying is you can benefit.

01:45:04.000 If you really want to truly keep doing stand-up, you can benefit from that just by doing your real set.

01:45:09.000 If you get a laugh from two people, man, you know that joke is gone.

01:45:13.000 You can put that one in the set, too.

01:45:15.000 That's the same thing.

01:45:16.000 I guess the biggest reason why I think, this is why I think of it.

01:45:20.000 There's been so many times doing Open Mic where you do a new bit that you believe in and you like it and it fucking no response at all.

01:45:28.000 So you try it again.

01:45:29.000 Same exact thing.

01:45:30.000 No response at all.

01:45:31.000 Then you get a real show and then you try that same bit and it fucking kills and you're like, God damn, I almost lost that bit because that bit failed because you're in this horrible atmosphere of like two people or like other comics and stuff like that.

01:45:44.000 It's all a part of the vibe.

01:45:47.000 You got to tune it all in.

01:45:48.000 It's all a part of the process of being a stand-up comic.

01:45:51.000 You can't really develop only in front of large audiences.

01:45:54.000 Once you get your shit together, then you can pretty much do any kind of audience.

01:45:58.000 I think you're thinking I'm saying something completely different because you're making it.

01:46:01.000 I'm saying that you don't like to perform when there's two people.

01:46:04.000 You like to perform.

01:46:05.000 No, no, no, see, that's not what I'm saying.

01:46:07.000 I'm saying that when there's two people in the audience, I'm not going to fucking do a whole like, hey, so I went down the street.

01:46:13.000 I'm going to just kind of fuck around.

01:46:14.000 I'm not going to do my regular material.

01:46:15.000 I'm going to just, I'm not going to give them the...

01:46:19.000 So let's break that down.

01:46:21.000 Why break it down?

01:46:22.000 Because it's kind of interesting.

01:46:23.000 No, it's not pretty basic.

01:46:25.000 It's kind of interesting.

01:46:26.000 Let's break that down.

01:46:27.000 Because what you're saying is that you're not going to give them this like, hey, like really animated right now.

01:46:33.000 No, no, I'm not saying that I, like, how I considered like the act that I do takes a lot of like timing and like it's a whole process.

01:46:45.000 It's not just sitting out there going blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

01:46:47.000 It's kind of like it's more work than just saying, you know what, I'm just going to fuck around and do some bits, you know, just try some stuff or, you know, just fuck around.

01:46:56.000 So why would that?

01:46:57.000 Because if there's two people in the audience, I'm not going to bother trying to change my whole act to go around two people, you know?

01:47:05.000 But what I'm saying is, why does it have to be changed?

01:47:08.000 Exactly.

01:47:09.000 Because it's funnier if you say certain things when there's an audience.

01:47:12.000 It's funnier.

01:47:13.000 If you say the same thing in front of two people, you should say it different.

01:47:16.000 You agree if there's a group of people, right?

01:47:19.000 Sometimes it depends on what you're talking about.

01:47:21.000 Timing's completely different in front of 400 people than two people.

01:47:24.000 Yeah.

01:47:25.000 Right, right.

01:47:26.000 Why even fuck around trying to even do the math of how it would work best when you just want to be like, hey, there's two people here.

01:47:32.000 I'm just going to fuck around with some new shit.

01:47:33.000 Well, some people are going to be able to do that.

01:47:36.000 I think you have to address the fact, obviously, this is only two people.

01:47:39.000 You have to make some light of that.

01:47:40.000 But then once you do that, you can pretty much, if your act is tight, you can pretty much do your act.

01:47:45.000 You could, or you could just fuck around.

01:47:47.000 You know, why even try to change things?

01:47:50.000 Man, I wish.

01:47:50.000 Because what I'm saying is, for me, when I do small crowds, it makes me well aware of the space that I have on my act that I need to trim out.

01:47:58.000 Like, I'm talking too much here, or this is too disingenuous, or this seems a little fake.

01:48:02.000 Yeah, you can tell me lying.

01:48:04.000 Yeah, this is like my segue.

01:48:05.000 This segue is like ham-handed.

01:48:07.000 You know, this punchline is like a little sticky.

01:48:11.000 Like, I feel the difference when I do it.

01:48:13.000 But that could be because, I mean, like, me personally, I wish that I knew when I did the shows for four people that I would be playing for 200 sometime in the near future.

01:48:26.000 So that's why I was more like, whenever I get on stage, no matter how many people it is, I got to make the most of this being on stage.

01:48:34.000 Even in New York, where you get on stage a lot more, even there, it's like, dog, I used to always just be like, I'm so grateful to be on stage at all, first of all.

01:48:46.000 Second of all, maybe I just appreciate that these people would even listen to my bullshit.

01:48:55.000 Who in the fuck am I that I'm looking at y'all like it should be more of y'all? 0.92

01:49:00.000 Well, if you really want to do it, you have to think about it like that.

01:49:03.000 You have to be almost obsessed with it.

01:49:06.000 I'm saying about this doing shows and not appreciating it as much or not thinking about as much.

01:49:15.000 Brian has one point that's really important is that when you're starting out and you start eating, anytime you eat it, it chips away a big chunk of your confidence.

01:49:23.000 And when you can look at something and you go, well, this is just not even set up for comedy.

01:49:26.000 Why am I fucking running uphill with sandbags?

01:49:29.000 You know, like this is going to give me a bad feeling.

01:49:32.000 I'm going to go up there and do some jokes that I have some, you know, some hope for and they're going to die because it's not an easy crowd.

01:49:37.000 So there's that point too.

01:49:38.000 I see that point too.

01:49:39.000 But there's both.

01:49:41.000 It's really, it's not either or.

01:49:42.000 There's both.

01:49:43.000 And it's just, it's a completely personal preference.

01:49:45.000 Like last time I was on stage was right after we got out of Portland.

01:49:49.000 I decided to do an open mic at Sal's.

01:49:51.000 And I decided, you know what?

01:49:52.000 Just as an idea, because I had just done five shows in a row a certain way.

01:49:56.000 I'm going to do the exact same way at Sal's.

01:50:00.000 So there was about eight people in the audience.

01:50:02.000 I did the exact, like almost a recorded version of what I just did the whole weekend just to see what happens.

01:50:09.000 And it was the most awkward fucking thing ever.

01:50:12.000 I'll let you listen to the audience.

01:50:13.000 It's so weird.

01:50:15.000 I started, like, I have a part of my act where I just started doing this where I have a really uncomfortable pause, you know, and then mostly like there would be like a couple people that start get it like, okay, I get it now.

01:50:26.000 This is creepy.

01:50:26.000 Like, and then a bunch of people start laughing.

01:50:29.000 I did that there in front of eight people.

01:50:30.000 No one, there was never that one person that just started giggling to get it, to make the other people laugh.

01:50:36.000 And so it was just like complete silence.

01:50:37.000 It was a lot of fun.

01:50:38.000 So do you blame the audience or do you blame the way you perform?

01:50:41.000 No, no, I think the whole idea of that bit, that one particular bit, is that there's going to be a few people that get it and start giggling.

01:50:47.000 And then the other person is a little bit more.

01:50:48.000 I don't know what bit you're talking about.

01:50:50.000 I really can't really comment on it.

01:50:51.000 It's just the mob mentality of everyone to laugh if one person gets heard laughing.

01:50:54.000 It's where I said, you're a fucking porn star. 0.98

01:50:57.000 Right.

01:50:58.000 I just sit there.

01:50:59.000 Just sit there.

01:51:00.000 And suddenly a couple people giggle.

01:51:01.000 And then suddenly everyone starts fucking giggling.

01:51:03.000 It's like this new thing I started in Portland.

01:51:05.000 So I did that at Sal's.

01:51:07.000 He was not that one little giggler.

01:51:08.000 Sometimes people are giggling just because they want to laugh.

01:51:11.000 Sometimes people are giggling because they're at a comedy show and they've had a few drinks and they just want to laugh.

01:51:15.000 And if you give them a pause and they're laughing at some stuff before, they'll just start laughing.

01:51:18.000 Right, right.

01:51:19.000 But that's not what in this case.

01:51:21.000 This case is the whole bit.

01:51:23.000 I can't give away my bit, but you know that.

01:51:25.000 I know what you're saying.

01:51:26.000 So people put it together ways like comparing that with, wait, you're a fucking porn star.

01:51:30.000 So one person starts giggling.

01:51:31.000 Not making enough sense without saying the bit.

01:51:33.000 Yeah, I have to explain that.

01:51:34.000 So anyways, I know what you're saying.

01:51:36.000 I've heard the bit though, but I know what he's saying.

01:51:39.000 It's like it's something like if you have a picture of it.

01:51:42.000 But you got to adjust when there's a small crowd.

01:51:44.000 It's that simple.

01:51:45.000 I know what you're saying.

01:51:46.000 So you just wanted to try it as an experiment to not adjust?

01:51:48.000 Yeah, I tried to not adjust.

01:51:50.000 To do exactly what you're doing.

01:51:52.000 And it worked on some bits.

01:51:53.000 Some bits completely worked fine.

01:51:54.000 Did you feel like bailing out halfway into it, though?

01:51:56.000 No, no, because it's eight people and most of these people were just other comics.

01:52:00.000 So I was just like, you know, I'm going to experiment with this.

01:52:02.000 That's one good thing about doing every day is just experimenting.

01:52:04.000 You know, like, that's just an experiment.

01:52:06.000 See what happens.

01:52:06.000 It's like a video game.

01:52:07.000 Like, I'm going to try jumping over this platform once.

01:52:10.000 I would recommend whatever you do, don't try to bomb.

01:52:13.000 And it's not like...

01:52:13.000 Oh, I don't try to bomb.

01:52:15.000 And it's not like...

01:52:16.000 Right?

01:52:19.000 I'm just thinking about going up there and bombing on purpose.

01:52:21.000 Well, you know what?

01:52:22.000 That's the beauty of Open Mic, though.

01:52:25.000 That's one of those things where it's though, because you lived in New York for a while, right, Joe?

01:52:29.000 Yeah.

01:52:30.000 That's one of the things that being out here and being in New York, I think when you are in New York doing comedy, stage time, it's like, yes, you get on stage more, but it's kind of harder to, because when I was there, I had to pay to go up on open mics.

01:52:46.000 I had to either pay $5 or buy a couple drinks or do something to get on open mics.

01:52:50.000 That was like six years ago.

01:52:52.000 I don't know if it's changed since then, but you had to spend money to get on that stage.

01:52:57.000 So no matter what or who was there, you just spent some money to talk and now you're going to fuck around.

01:53:05.000 So I think at my level, we didn't have time to play because I just paid to get on this stage.

01:53:11.000 So I'm going to try to get better.

01:53:12.000 How much did you have to pay?

01:53:14.000 When I was there, you had to either buy two drinks, which for comics was like $6, or else you had to pay $5.

01:53:21.000 For mostly every open mic at a comedy club.

01:53:24.000 You have to pay to go on stage.

01:53:25.000 $5.

01:53:26.000 Cajot Cafe.

01:53:26.000 Yeah.

01:53:26.000 Wow.

01:53:27.000 Or most.

01:53:29.000 Most places make you buy a drink.

01:53:31.000 Sal's makes you buy a drink.

01:53:32.000 I think it's a good thing.

01:53:33.000 Well, comics have to buy a drink?

01:53:35.000 You have to spend $5 and you get a ticket and then you're allowed to go on stage.

01:53:39.000 But actually, Sal's.

01:53:40.000 That's common.

01:53:40.000 Sal house.

01:53:41.000 Common.

01:53:42.000 It's common.

01:53:43.000 It's not common, but in LA, it's common.

01:53:46.000 Look, the most important thing is that there is some sort of an open mic system.

01:53:49.000 It's unfortunate when you get an open mic system, it makes you pay, though.

01:53:52.000 I don't mind it because I'm going to fucking buy a beer.

01:53:55.000 But still, some guys don't have five bucks every day.

01:53:58.000 I told Boone, you guys know Boone.

01:54:00.000 He's a homeless guy.

01:54:02.000 I think he's homeless, but he's a micer, and I think he's hilarious.

01:54:07.000 And he's like, I'm like, why aren't you going to Sal's anymore?

01:54:09.000 And he goes, well, because I can't afford five bucks.

01:54:12.000 And I'm like, look, I have one or two beer.

01:54:14.000 I have two or three beers at least every time I go to Sal's.

01:54:17.000 You just let me know.

01:54:18.000 I'll buy you a beer, get you a ticket.

01:54:20.000 So you can mooch off my beers.

01:54:22.000 Yeah, it's fucking wow.

01:54:24.000 It's really crazy.

01:54:25.000 Yeah, it's really crazy because in New York, like I remember talking to Sal whether he was going to start charging, he's like, yeah, might as well.

01:54:36.000 Because it's like, nobody, that's not really common from what I've seen here when I first got here.

01:54:40.000 But now it's coming.

01:54:42.000 People are going to have to kick out.

01:54:44.000 And I think a lot less of that plan will be going on as far as, well, I can just play around because, dog, you just kicked out.

01:54:53.000 Well, if you're going to do it, if you're going to have a place to go up, five bucks is not bad.

01:54:57.000 And if, you know, if that's the difference between having an open mic night and not having an open mic night, then it's worth the five bucks because it's the most important thing, man.

01:55:04.000 Stage time, getting good spots, getting a bunch of people around you.

01:55:08.000 There's no substitute for it in the beginning, right?

01:55:10.000 No, not at all.

01:55:11.000 Yeah, you got to just hustle.

01:55:13.000 You got to do it all.

01:55:14.000 Even the stuff that sucks, just jump up there, dude.

01:55:16.000 Well, that's why I see with the two people crowds we were talking about.

01:55:18.000 I mean, like, you know, you got to be up there.

01:55:20.000 You got to be practicing no matter what.

01:55:21.000 I mean, like, I know shit.

01:55:22.000 I'm pretty much at, you know, we're the same level almost.

01:55:24.000 I mean, like, just, I'm right above the open mic phase at my fucking point.

01:55:27.000 But when two people show up, that means it was either them or nobody.

01:55:31.000 Right.

01:55:31.000 And they're doing you a favor just by being there.

01:55:33.000 So, I mean, the least you can do is give them your fucking all and adjust yourself to the room and all that.

01:55:38.000 Yeah, the most appreciative you are in every situation, the better.

01:55:42.000 The most that you appreciate every opportunity, the better.

01:55:45.000 And that's, you know, there's negative to it, but it's also you can, you can turn that around.

01:55:50.000 One person can go up in front of that same crowd and kill.

01:55:52.000 You know, I mean, I've seen that before where I didn't like something.

01:55:55.000 I didn't, the room was not to my liking or whatever.

01:55:57.000 And I went up with a shitty attitude.

01:55:59.000 Then a dude will go on after you and kill. 1.00

01:56:01.000 And you're like, okay, I was an idiot.

01:56:03.000 You know, I was young and stupid.

01:56:03.000 You know, now I know.

01:56:05.000 And here, now I've made a mistake.

01:56:06.000 And now I learned from that shit.

01:56:07.000 Some inner shit.

01:56:08.000 Yeah.

01:56:09.000 Because it's like, I guess, to be honest, I'm just appreciative of the fact that, dog, it's legal.

01:56:17.000 First of all, this is legal.

01:56:19.000 And second of all, people let me talk some shit to them, man.

01:56:22.000 Like, if you had told me when I was in jail that I'd ever be doing this or like anything of this nature, I'd have told you you was crazy.

01:56:30.000 How much you getting worked out?

01:56:31.000 You getting road work and shit?

01:56:33.000 You've been the CD that just came out, too, right?

01:56:34.000 Oh, it's coming out.

01:56:35.000 They actually pushed the date back, but it's coming out on August the 1st now.

01:56:41.000 iTunes?

01:56:43.000 Yeah, but it's actually the first CD that's coming out on George Carlin's label other than his work.

01:56:54.000 Your manager situation, this guy who keeps giving you shit advice.

01:56:58.000 This motherfucker.

01:56:59.000 Who got Lucky with George Carlin.

01:57:02.000 No, it didn't take much work.

01:57:04.000 Jerry, I'm just kidding.

01:57:05.000 Whoever you are, fella.

01:57:06.000 No, Jerry.

01:57:07.000 Jerry has a good.

01:57:08.000 But it's the only CD other than George's work to ever come out on his.

01:57:13.000 It's called Wildly Inappropriate.

01:57:13.000 What's it called?

01:57:16.000 Wildly Inappropriate.

01:57:18.000 And yes, your mother's going to get autographed copies.

01:57:20.000 But it's like that.

01:57:23.000 And I'd like to thank Kelly, man.

01:57:25.000 Kelly is great.

01:57:27.000 Kelly Carlin is awesome.

01:57:29.000 She's awesome. 0.83

01:57:30.000 Who's Kelly?

01:57:31.000 George's.

01:57:32.000 George's daughter.

01:57:32.000 Our daughter here.

01:57:33.000 Kelly Carlin.

01:57:35.000 She was the producer for Paul's show.

01:57:37.000 Oh, Paul Provenza's show.

01:57:38.000 Yeah, she's one of the producers for that. 0.93

01:57:40.000 Right, right, right.

01:57:40.000 She's awesome because she heard my CD and she's like, all right, cool.

01:57:43.000 Like, because you have to clear it with all of these people because it's their father.

01:57:46.000 So are you doing Stand Up on the Road now?

01:57:50.000 I still don't have a TV credit.

01:57:52.000 According to a lot of comedy club owners, I don't have a TV credit.

01:57:55.000 You can't even get middle work?

01:57:56.000 Nobody's going to let me middle for him.

01:57:58.000 What?

01:57:59.000 What are you talking about?

01:58:00.000 Dog, nobody's going to let me middleform.

01:58:02.000 Well, who says that?

01:58:03.000 Why do you say that?

01:58:04.000 It's happened too many times.

01:58:05.000 I've gotten complaints from middles. 1.00

01:58:08.000 And what's the complaint?

01:58:10.000 First is that I'm too dirty.

01:58:12.000 And then the second show, I'll do my whole act clean.

01:58:16.000 And then the third show, I'll take out certain jokes that they don't want done.

01:58:19.000 And by the fourth show, it's normally just, fuck them.

01:58:22.000 It's just like, we can't stop this dude from doing what he does.

01:58:28.000 So you're saying they don't want you middling because you're too good?

01:58:30.000 Is that what you're saying?

01:58:31.000 That's what I would think, but that's kind of arrogant.

01:58:39.000 Call them out.

01:58:40.000 Dog, it's been a while.

01:58:40.000 Who are they?

01:58:44.000 Oh, yeah, that one was a good one.

01:58:46.000 That was funny.

01:58:47.000 I'm not in the position to call out, motherfuckers.

01:58:49.000 Okay, well, why don't you tell me their name and I'll call them out?

01:58:52.000 I'm not doing that either.

01:58:53.000 Dog, you actually.

01:58:54.000 Pick them with some subtle chess shit.

01:58:56.000 Two moves ahead.

01:58:56.000 Nah.

01:58:57.000 I didn't go three.

01:58:58.000 I went to the moon.

01:58:58.000 You got to go three on me, man.

01:58:59.000 No.

01:59:00.000 Got to go three on me.

01:59:01.000 But it's some dudes like, I have some fucked up stories, man.

01:59:04.000 So guys take you on the road with them.

01:59:04.000 And it's like.

01:59:06.000 No.

01:59:07.000 I'm just talking about just from Hollywood, people have seen my act and they're like, there's no way in hell I'm taking them on the road with me.

01:59:07.000 No, no, no.

01:59:13.000 And it's just because you're too dirty?

01:59:14.000 What is it called?

01:59:15.000 Because you're too funny?

01:59:16.000 Maybe, you know what?

01:59:17.000 I'll just say because I'm too dirty.

01:59:18.000 Even though I don't consider myself a bad person.

01:59:19.000 I take the dirtiest dude on the world with me.

01:59:22.000 Joey Diaz.

01:59:22.000 You know what?

01:59:23.000 I'm not a human being dirtier than Joey that's ever existed.

01:59:25.000 Yeah, you're not supposed to see his balls in the green or something.

01:59:28.000 I don't want to say it's because I'm too funny because who knows?

01:59:31.000 Funny is too funny.

01:59:32.000 Well, if you're following shit comics, there are comics that want only scrubs to go on before them.

01:59:36.000 It's a real common thing.

01:59:37.000 Like, there's a lot of people that get surprised when they come to see some of my shows.

01:59:41.000 I'm like, dude, you got Arasure Fear and Joey Diaz going on in front of you?

01:59:44.000 Like, those guys are both headliners.

01:59:46.000 Which is because I think because you're like a comic.

01:59:52.000 I mean, you're a comedian.

01:59:53.000 You aren't somebody that's just here to just say a couple jokes and get on a sitcom.

01:59:58.000 Like, you really take this as an art.

02:00:00.000 And as part of the art of comedy, you don't want Scrubs up in front of you.

02:00:04.000 Yeah, I don't want anybody to suffer through any bad comedy.

02:00:07.000 I don't agree with you.

02:00:07.000 Exactly.

02:00:08.000 I don't understand why you would even think like that.

02:00:10.000 Because to me, I think it's like writing waves.

02:00:12.000 Like, wouldn't you want the best?

02:00:14.000 Let me tell you something, dude.

02:00:15.000 If you have a guy who goes on in front of you and barely gets by for 20 minutes or whatever, and the crowd gets uncomfortable, and then the comic, the main event guy comes out and just comes out guns blazing and crushes, it makes you look like a fucking superhero.

02:00:28.000 You know, and the other guy bombed and you just destroyed.

02:00:28.000 Yeah, it does.

02:00:31.000 There's some guys like that and they need it.

02:00:33.000 And the last thing they want to do is be in the green room, ready to go on and hear some guy out there killing.

02:00:37.000 Like it fucks with them.

02:00:38.000 They're taking away from my crowd.

02:00:40.000 There was a comic he wouldn't even allow.

02:00:42.000 He wouldn't let our buddy, who's a black dude, open for him because it was in his claws with his manager that no other black comic will go on before me because I want to black it up.

02:00:42.000 It was a black comic.

02:00:50.000 Well, there was a really funny we used to always talk about that on the East Coast.

02:00:54.000 It was funny how if you would go on the road and there's two white guys and one black guy, the black guy is always like, yo, yo, I was supposed to headline. 0.64

02:01:01.000 I was supposed to headline.

02:01:02.000 But if there's the black guy shows up and there's two other black guys, like, yo, I got to go on first. 0.99

02:01:07.000 I got to go on first.

02:01:08.000 Because they're doing the same material.

02:01:09.000 I don't care because I haven't heard no black guy say some of the shit that I say. 0.83

02:01:15.000 So I don't care.

02:01:16.000 And even with some of the comics, like you were talking about road work.

02:01:21.000 Like I'm in Vegas.

02:01:23.000 The next gig that I got booked is for Vegas like the first week of June, dog.

02:01:28.000 I get no work because I'm in that nexus of he's not funny enough to headline by himself.

02:01:34.000 I'm going to be honest.

02:01:36.000 You set yourself up.

02:01:38.000 You got like some negative little roadblocks in your head.

02:01:40.000 And you go down them and you're like, people ain't going to let me and this is going to happen.

02:01:44.000 And I got to, because people want to fuck with me.

02:01:47.000 You have this little thing in your head.

02:01:49.000 You automatically are in conflict with people.

02:01:52.000 You're like, people don't want to head me.

02:01:53.000 People don't want to middle me.

02:01:55.000 You just got to do your shit, man.

02:01:57.000 Don't worry about that.

02:01:58.000 The people that are going to, the people who are going to be intimidated by you, don't dwell on them.

02:02:01.000 Don't even think about it.

02:02:02.000 Well, I'm not.

02:02:03.000 And that's why I think that things are getting better for me as far as career-wise and mentally-wise.

02:02:09.000 Yeah, don't even bring that stuff up in conversation.

02:02:11.000 Just abandon those thoughts.

02:02:12.000 That was some shit that I was talking about just because you asked that question.

02:02:15.000 Nobody's holding you back, man.

02:02:16.000 That's what I'm telling you.

02:02:17.000 Nobody's trying to hold you back.

02:02:19.000 I know that because the whole thing is I don't care if they were.

02:02:24.000 It's my job to be the best that I can be on that stage.

02:02:27.000 That's all.

02:02:28.000 But that's all that I can control.

02:02:30.000 Like, I can't control who wants to take me on the road.

02:02:34.000 I can't control who wants to make me.

02:02:36.000 But how many times have you been on the road?

02:02:37.000 By myself?

02:02:38.000 Or period?

02:02:40.000 Do you go on the road a lot?

02:02:41.000 No, I just work.

02:02:42.000 Like, Bud books me at his improv's.

02:02:45.000 Where's Bud's improv?

02:02:46.000 Oh, his is Vegas in Tahoe.

02:02:48.000 He's still.

02:02:48.000 Oh, he still books Vegas?

02:02:49.000 He still books.

02:02:49.000 Yep.

02:02:50.000 I thought he was retired.

02:02:51.000 I thought that was it.

02:02:52.000 Bud saw me one night, and I guess he was.

02:02:54.000 We're talking about Bud Friedman.

02:02:56.000 Bud Friedman, the legendary guy from the improv with the monocle.

02:02:58.000 Remember those evening of the improvs?

02:03:00.000 Put on his monocle?

02:03:00.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:03:01.000 So I play improvs and like Bud's improvs, and then I play Vegas some, but that's about it, man.

02:03:10.000 As far as me and traveling, that's about it.

02:03:12.000 I really haven't gotten on the road with any.

02:03:15.000 Like, I've never worked with anybody on the road, on the road.

02:03:18.000 Well, now that you got the Showtime special, you'll be able to get some gigs, right?

02:03:21.000 Hopefully, yeah.

02:03:23.000 Worge Carlin's manager and the Showtime special, bro.

02:03:25.000 Yeah, hopefully, yeah.

02:03:26.000 Put it all together.

02:03:27.000 Yeah, hopefully.

02:03:28.000 So if people want to get a hold of you, they get you on Twitter.

02:03:31.000 It's Daryl underscore Wright.

02:03:32.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:03:33.000 And Brian is Brian Whitaker.

02:03:35.000 And, of course, Redband.

02:03:37.000 Redband is very upset of his Twitter follower.

02:03:40.000 Yeah, I don't have it.

02:03:40.000 It's so low, though.

02:03:41.000 So, so low.

02:03:42.000 I don't get it.

02:03:43.000 Nobody loves me.

02:03:44.000 So many people hate me.

02:03:46.000 Yeah, I got a dog collar today, Joe.

02:03:48.000 I don't know.

02:03:49.000 For yourself?

02:03:50.000 No, for the girlfriend.

02:03:52.000 But it has like 10 levels.

02:03:54.000 And like the first level, you know, it's very mild.

02:03:56.000 And then if it keeps on barking, it gets higher and higher and goes up to these 10 levels, right?

02:04:01.000 So we had Mayhem Miller on today's skeptic tank with Ari Shafir.

02:04:05.000 And we decided, like, hey, my Pekinese is wearing this.

02:04:08.000 It's not going to be that bad.

02:04:09.000 So Mayhem puts it around his neck, barks, and fucking, he's just like, this is awful.

02:04:15.000 This is awful.

02:04:15.000 And I'm like, all right, Ari, you have to try.

02:04:17.000 Didn't think that it went up another level because of that, because he barked.

02:04:22.000 Every time he do it, and it had already, because my dog had made it go up to like level two or three or something like that.

02:04:27.000 So it was already on like level three.

02:04:29.000 Then Ari puts it on right on his throat, like on his neck and barks. 1.00

02:04:33.000 Shocks the fuck out of him.

02:04:34.000 I'm like, all right, it's not that bad.

02:04:35.000 But I wasn't going to do that.

02:04:36.000 I was like, fuck that.

02:04:38.000 I went to hold it and they were laughing so hard and I started laughing that it vibrated and it made the noise and it shocked me in the hand.

02:04:38.000 So I was holding.

02:04:44.000 My hand still feels numb.

02:04:47.000 It's pretty shocking.

02:04:49.000 Doesn't fucking, what the hell's his name?

02:04:52.000 Jason Ellis, doesn't he do like fights where dudes wear dog collars and shock them remotely?

02:04:57.000 That's why we decided to do it because Mayhem was talking about he just did it with Nick Schwartzen where they had fights and then they had him like wrap it around the legs and stuff and it would just drop you.

02:05:06.000 That.

02:05:07.000 Just drop you.

02:05:08.000 Dude, I am not down with that.

02:05:09.000 Those guys are crazy.

02:05:10.000 I think that played today Jason Ellis show.

02:05:12.000 Jason Ellis.

02:05:13.000 Yeah, he's electrocuting himself.

02:05:15.000 That's ridiculous.

02:05:16.000 I want to get Ellis on here, man.

02:05:18.000 I'm supposed to do his show, too.

02:05:18.000 I will, dude.

02:05:20.000 Where we have it in planning.

02:05:22.000 Why is he electrocuting his show?

02:05:23.000 Because it's hot, man.

02:05:25.000 Ladies and gentlemen, so next week will be on Monday and Tuesday next week.

02:05:30.000 And times and guests and all that shit to follow.

02:05:33.000 This weekend, Joey and Ari and I are at Helium in Philadelphia.

02:05:40.000 I almost said Phelium.

02:05:42.000 Philadelphia.

02:05:44.000 That's what happens at the end of the show, folks.

02:05:46.000 Your brain is done.

02:05:47.000 So if you're in Philly, come on down.

02:05:49.000 It's all sold out, I think.

02:05:51.000 There was only a couple tickets left for Thursday night late show.

02:05:53.000 That was all that was left.

02:05:54.000 We added a late show Thursday.

02:05:56.000 We're like Gabriel Iglesias, but white.

02:05:56.000 That's how we roll.

02:06:01.000 Gabriel will do five shows on a Monday.

02:06:03.000 Hell yeah.

02:06:04.000 That motherfucker rakes it. 1.00

02:06:05.000 So if people want to get a hold of you, Best Way, Twitter?

02:06:08.000 Yeah, just Twitter.

02:06:09.000 Twitter?

02:06:09.000 Yeah.

02:06:10.000 Twitter's fine.

02:06:10.000 Best way.

02:06:11.000 Facebook, whatever.

02:06:12.000 Facebook, Facebook, and Brian.

02:06:13.000 Please follow Brian.

02:06:15.000 He gets so sad.

02:06:16.000 He gets sad.

02:06:17.000 What are you up to now?

02:06:18.000 What are you up to now?

02:06:18.000 Huh?

02:06:19.000 I think I'm about 18,000.

02:06:21.000 Still 10,000 away from Michael.

02:06:23.000 I was telling them before you came in, Joe, I got a stalker before I got any fans.

02:06:27.000 I got somebody who made a fake page on me on Facebook, and I checked it yesterday, and I was thinking, oh, maybe I got some other fans I didn't hear about.

02:06:33.000 There's one follower on this fake page.

02:06:35.000 Wow.

02:06:36.000 It was just so depressing.

02:06:37.000 It was like, damn, somebody made a fake page out of me, and I got one fake fan.

02:06:41.000 Check out DeathSquad.tv, though, for the Death Squad podcast, and subscribe to that.

02:06:46.000 Please.

02:06:46.000 Do whatever the fuck you want to do, folks.

02:06:48.000 Don't listen to anybody, including him.

02:06:50.000 Please.

02:06:51.000 See you guys in Philly.

02:06:52.000 See you next week, Monday and Tuesday, for the podcast.

02:06:55.000 And that's what I'm going to say something real quick, though.

02:06:56.000 Tell me what you want.

02:06:58.000 For all of the podcast guys that hung around through all of this craziness, thank y'all for watching, guys.

02:07:03.000 This was fun.

02:07:03.000 Thank you, Joe, for having me.

02:07:04.000 Ray.

02:07:05.000 How's it going?

02:07:05.000 Thanks for being on, guys.

02:07:06.000 Thank you, man.

02:07:07.000 See you, bitches. 1.00

02:07:07.000 Powerful. 1.00

02:07:08.000 Love you.

02:07:09.000 Oh, yeah.

02:07:09.000 Flashlight.

02:07:10.000 Our sponsor is if you go to joerogan.net and click on the link, the little flashlight link, and enter in the code name Rogan, you get 15% off.

02:07:19.000 So you get a discount on your masturbation.

02:07:21.000 It's a quality product made by nice people.

02:07:24.000 White and blue only, unfortunately, and clear.

02:07:26.000 What's that?

02:07:27.000 White, blue, and clear only, though, unfortunately.

02:07:29.000 No black. 1.00

02:07:30.000 There's no black vaginas yet? 1.00

02:07:32.000 Blue, white, and clear.

02:07:32.000 I don't think so.

02:07:34.000 Really?

02:07:36.000 Now you know.

02:07:37.000 Joe, can I plug a tour?

02:07:38.000 I got it.

02:07:38.000 Sure.

02:07:38.000 What do you got?

02:07:38.000 I'm plugging Smile and Die Comedy.

02:07:41.000 We're going with Rick Shapiro up north, Bay Area for a few days, coming up this Saturday.

02:07:45.000 We've started the Purple Onion and then off, I think, somewhere else in San Francisco.

02:07:49.000 I don't know, but you can follow that shit on Twitter too.

02:07:51.000 Just Smile and Die Comedy.

02:07:52.000 Smile and Die Comedy.

02:07:53.000 That's what it is on Twitter.

02:07:54.000 It'll be a small show.

02:07:56.000 All right, bitches. 1.00

02:07:57.000 Love you.

02:07:57.000 See you.

The Joe Rogan Experience - April 14, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #98 - Daryl Wright, Brian Whitaker

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Summary

Transcript