'Made In His Image' ｜ Finding Love After The Lust Of Pornography
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Summary
In this episode of Integrity Restored, Fr. Jim O'Day, Director of the Priory of St. Michael the Archangel and Director of Interrogation at the Archdiocese of Indianapolis, joins Fr. John Henry to discuss the growing problem of sex addiction in the Catholic Church.
Transcript
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This is everybody's problem. This is the problem of our priesthood, of our marriages,
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of our future generations. How can we not address this?
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Thank you so much, John Henry. This is an honor for me to be on your show.
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Wow, likewise. Let's begin as we always do, with the sign of the cross. In the name of the Father,
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For this show, I almost think we should start with the St. Michael prayer, only because
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this is the number one weapon Satan uses to bring people to hell, as we were told by Sister Lucy,
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as revealed to her by Our Lady of Fatima. So, you know what? If you don't mind, we'll just
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say the St. Michael prayer. I think it's a great idea.
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St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in the day of battle. Be our safeguard against the wickedness,
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the snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly
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Host, by the power of God, cast into hell Satan, and all evil spirits, who prowl about the world,
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Actually, in this ministry, we have dedicated this ministry to the three archangels. And we did that
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when we started about 10 years ago. And I can't imagine where we would be without their intercession.
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Yeah, you are really in the battle. This is where Satan has taken most people. This is his
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sacred territory, if you will. The quote from Our Lady, through Sister Lucy,
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more people go to hell because of sins of the flesh than for any other reason. Expounded by St.
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Lucy, this is about impurity. And we see it now more than ever before.
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Why don't you start telling us about that? What does this problem look like today?
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Well, I want to say, first of all, when we talk about the spiritual battle component of this,
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and here at Integrity Restored, we have what we call three pillars of recovery. The first is the
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science, strong counseling and therapy. The second is an increase in the spiritual life,
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frequent reception of the sacraments, and spiritual direction. And then the third is community and
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accountability, because we can't do it alone. When we talk about the spiritual battle here, you were
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absolutely 100% right when you said that this is Satan's playground. And why is that? Because he is
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inherently lazy. He doesn't have to work hard to get people to fall to sins of the flesh. And there's
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really scientific reasons why that happens. Our brains are built in a certain way, and God was
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incredible in his design. And those chemicals that are released when we are aroused, when we are
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intimate, are powerful, powerful chemicals that become addicting. And so unlike alcohol or drugs, which is an
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external substance that we have to bring in our body to get those feelings, with pornography addiction,
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we're carrying our own source of supply in our brains 24 hours a day. So the devil is very smart
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in knowing I don't have to really work hard to make people fall to this sin. Now, the good news is
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you can rewire your brain. Our brains are neuroplastic. They will rewire. In fact, throughout our lives,
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they're constantly rewiring. We're learning new things. We're experiencing new things. So don't
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feel, ladies and gentlemen, that if you're struggling with this, you're stuck with it for the rest of your
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life, because nothing could be further from the truth.
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Hmm. Let's unpack that a little bit. First of all, the science.
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God created us, as you said, so there must be a good end to that. What happens? How is it supposed
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to be directed to the good? And what happens when it goes off kilter?
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Great question. The way our brain works and some of the common chemicals that are released,
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dopamine, delta-fosb, a number of different endorphins, oxytocin,
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these are all chemicals that God created in order to make us behave in a certain way.
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And when we are intimate with our spouse in our Catholic understanding of what a healthy
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relationship looks like, it's amazing how those chemicals actually do bond us to one another.
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You know, years ago, when I came back to the Catholic Church, I had crucifixes everywhere in
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my house, holy statues everywhere in my house. I was so on fire. And I was talking to a priest one time
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because they were everywhere in my house except the bedroom. And he said a great thing to me. He said,
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Jim, you're making a huge mistake. Who do you think invented sex? You? No, this is from God.
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And so now, before my wife and I are intimate, I actually pray. And it's a simple prayer. Lord,
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help me touch her how she needs to be touched. Help me love her how she needs to be loved.
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And you'd be amazed when you invite the Holy Spirit into that intimacy, how much better it is.
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Yeah, I think that concept is going to be mind-blowing for people.
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And literally, for married couples, you got to try it. You got to do this. Obviously,
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prayer is supposed to be part of everything of who you are. There's nothing hidden from God.
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And you shouldn't be trying to conceal something or do something outside of him. He's blessed this.
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Pray. I know it sounds mind-blowing for people. It's not. It's because we have a pornified culture
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that that seems almost crazy to do. It's not crazy. We've got to reclaim
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God's charge over our whole selves, including our marital embrace.
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Absolutely. Absolutely. And if people have not yet read, watched, whatever theology of the body,
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please do. It is an incredible resource to understand our human sexuality. And God created
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our sexuality to be a good thing. Arousal is not a bad thing. Being turned on is not a bad thing.
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What we do with it can be a bad thing. But the fact that our bodies respond in a certain way
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is never bad. God made it that way. The problem with pornography is it's a complete lie.
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Now, when I was growing up, if you saw a Playboy magazine, it was a big deal. And I found some of
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them in the garbage growing up in New York City, and I kept them, and they were hidden under my bed.
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And even at a young age, I knew that was shameful. Hide it. That's your first indication it's not from
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God. God does not create anything shameful, nothing to be hidden. And when we fall to the lie of
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pornography, what ends up happening as a chemical reaction in our brains is that we actually start
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bonding to those pixels, to those images on the screen. I know it sounds completely crazy, but I promise
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you, ladies and gentlemen, if I let you watch pornography, and then I do a chemical test, and I test your brain
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chemicals, you're going to see it's happening. And that's a scary thing. When the average age in the
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United States of first exposure to pornography is between 8 and 10 years old, and their usage amount
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ramps up the older they get, we are creating a generation of individuals who cannot connect
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physically or emotionally to another human being, because they've bonded so heavily to the screen.
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So, this is a difficult problem. A lot of people feel totally trapped. This is a situation where you feel
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you have no control. Obviously, I'm talking from personal experience. After my initial sort of
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conversion, I thought, well, I'm going to give God Sunday mornings. And I actually found myself
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walking to, back in the day, it was a porn store.
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And I stopped myself and I said, wait, I thought I was doing the God thing. And I realized, oh, crap.
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This has control over me. I don't have control over this. And so, that recognition, that realization
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actually got me to do the very thing that is probably one of the most successful spiritual tools
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in this whole arsenal. And I'd like to talk to you about that. It got me to read True Devotion to Mary.
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But it was stunning because it was that very thing, the recognition that, whoa, I don't have control.
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You know, you're always thinking as a, in your early 20s or late teens, I'm fully in control. I know everything.
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It's funny, John Henry, because you don't even have to be early teens, early 20s. We always think
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we're in control and we're not. We're not. God's the only one in control, truly. And so, when people
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are struggling with this, depending on the level of addiction, there's going to be a lot of different
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things that they may have to do. There's no one silver bullet. Have there been miraculous healings
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that I've personally seen? Yes, absolutely. Where somebody goes, makes an incredible confession,
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maybe for the first time in 20 years, gets in front of the blessed sacrament and prays, and God lifts
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that temptation. That happens, but it's rare. And it's rare because I think that God wants our
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cooperation. Just like He did with you, in order to break free, you had to do something. That devotion
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to Mary opened your eyes, opened your heart. He wants our cooperation in this recovery.
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Take a look at this. This is Cardinal Burke talking in 2017 about demonic forces entering
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the church at that time in 2017. Hard to believe that's so long ago. This was given at Rome Life
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Forum, a conference that LifeSite has been running since 2014, actually. Do you know that we're running
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another one this year, October 31st of November 1st? That is right at the end of this horrific
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synod on synodality. October 31st, November 1st, 2023. Come join us in Rome. Go to romelifeforum.com
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for more information. Watch Cardinal Burke give this snippet on demonic forces entering into the
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Vatican from his talk at Rome Life Forum in 2017. It seems clear from the most respected studies of
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the apparitions of our Lady of Fatima that it has to do with the diabolical forces unleashed upon the
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world in our time and entering into the very life of the church. For the recovery of peace will be a
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gift from heaven. But it is not properly speaking the triumph of the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Her victory
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is of another order, supernatural, and then temporal by addition. It will first be the victory of the
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faith, which will put an end to the time of apostasy and the great shortcomings of the church's pastors.
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Let's, and for different people, it's probably different things, but give us the program, if you
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will, that you know, that's been successful for most people. There's always going to be some
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differences, of course, but there is a general pattern that seems to be very successful for people
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and what's that? Amen, absolutely. And again, that goes back to our three pillars that I mentioned
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before. The first step is the hardest step, ladies and gentlemen, and that is admitting you have a
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problem. That is very difficult for us as human beings to do for a number of reasons. Shame and guilt
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is a big one. We need to take that stigma away. I tell people all the time in my talks, you know, in our
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church, in a Christian church, probably even in a synagogue, doesn't matter, if somebody comes
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up after service and says, hey, I'm struggling with alcohol, I'm struggling with drugs, you know what,
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we've got people jumping over the pews to go talk to that person, to help that person. If that same
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person comes up and says, hey, I'm struggling with a pornography addiction or a sex addiction, well,
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everybody drops their eyes and quietly walks away. That has to stop. This is the biggest threat to our
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church today. Period. End of story. If you want to get healthy, you have to make that admission. That's the
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first thing. Admit you're powerless and you need help. The second is reaching out. You have to reach out to
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somebody. And here at Integrity Restored, we like to make sure that people are reaching out not only on the
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scientific side, through a counselor or a coach or a therapist, but also on the spiritual side, to a
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priest or a qualified spiritual director. Because those two things together are what is going to help
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heal your brain. We hear far too often from people who are struggling with this. One of the core beliefs
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of the addict is that if anybody knew them, they couldn't love them, even God. And so you can't just work on the
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brain chemical science trauma part of it, without including that mercy and forgiveness and love that you get
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from the spiritual part. So the first thing I would say is, is reach out to a therapist or a counselor, or a coach.
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Reach out to your confessor, your priest, another priest, if you're too embarrassed, doesn't matter.
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Get a priest on your team. And then finally, find some people. If you're a guy, find other men who are
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fighting this battle. If you're a woman, find other women who are fighting this battle. If you're a woman
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suffering from betrayal trauma because of her husband's usage, find other women. We need community
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to recover. You can't do this alone. The definition, I'm sorry, the definition of not
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being an addict is not sobriety, it's community. Because when you're an addict, you're isolated.
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One of the most dangerous things today is public therapy. Because most of psychology is way on the
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other side of this battle. They're encouraging self-abuse, which is what is properly named
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masturbation, or self-abuse is actually a better term. They encourage porn use. In fact, they give it
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as therapy for various mental disorders. I remember, already years ago, more than 20 years ago,
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a relative of mine who was suffering mental issues was prescribed this as a therapy.
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So tell us what kind of counselors, what kind of therapists are you talking about?
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So generally speaking, I'm talking about Catholic or Christian counselors. The key thing, there's two
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key things you want to find out in this counselor. Number one, do they have experience or certifications
00:18:00.000
in dealing with porn and sex addiction? That's very important because there are some nuances to this
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struggle that your general off-the-shelf counselor may not be able to navigate with you. So you find out
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those credentials. And we're generally looking for two. The first one is SATP, sexual addiction treatment
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provider. The second is CSAT, C-S-A-T-P, certified sexual addiction treatment provider. So you look for
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that. The second thing is, if you can find a Catholic one in your local area, home run. If you can't find a
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Catholic, look for a Christian. Great. If you can't find a Christian, at least look for a therapist that
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is open to incorporating your faith beliefs into recovery. And those are questions you just have to
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ask. Hey, look, I'm a practicing Catholic. It's going to be very important to me to incorporate my
00:19:05.280
faith beliefs and my spiritual direction into this recovery. Are you okay with that? Unfortunately,
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many of them will say no. But then you have your answer and you move on and you look for the next
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one. People can always reach out to Integrity Restored and we'll put you in touch with the
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therapists we're affiliated with or visit sites like the Catholic Psychotherapy Association,
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CatholicPsych.com. There's a number of them. Just Google it and look for therapists in your area.
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It's difficult to find, but it is worth it in the recovery journey.
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There are even some in Canada. The therapists here have to be more circumspect about what they admit
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because parts of the therapy that they would give are illegal in Canada, as they are in some states
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in the United States. Because part of this sexual addiction problem relates to people wanting to
00:20:06.520
come out of homosexuality, for which you can get criminal charges in Canada, should the therapists
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assist you that way. Although, if you want to go the other way, that's perfectly fine.
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Well, and interestingly enough, I don't want to scare the audience, but there is kind of a continuum
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of porn use. And for most people, you know, start young. I was 11, 12 years old. That's old in today's
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standards. They just start out looking at naked pictures of the opposite sex because it's curiosity.
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But that gets boring. And then they're looking at couples and then they're looking at groups and then
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they're looking at violent stuff because the brain is always looking for something novel. And you cannot
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imagine the amount of people who have contacted me, mostly men, married kind of in their 40s, 50s,
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who now the only thing that turns them on is gay porn. Everything else has gotten boring.
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And so it's very interesting that the brain just wants something new all the time and doesn't think
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of the cost to the heart, to the soul, to the relationships.
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Here's an interesting question for you then. How then does that work into achieving
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fulfillment, satisfaction, whatever, in your marriage? Because where's the novel?
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It's a huge, it's a huge problem. Look, Viagra was invented, I don't know how many years,
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a couple decades ago, actually, as a heart drug when it was first invented. It is now probably
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the most prescribed drug in the world. And when they decided, when they learned that this would help
00:22:10.480
with erectile dysfunction, they started using it. And in almost all cases, if you look at the medical
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studies, it was 65 and above that was using this drug because there is natural drops in certain
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chemicals that create erections in men, you know, as you age. Today is being prescribed to 40-year-olds,
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30-year-olds, 20-year-olds. I just read an article in England, boys as young as 14, 15 are no longer
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able to get erections because of the amount of porn they're consuming. And the body shuts down,
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it says it's too much. And so instead of the doctors looking at the root cause and saying, hey,
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just knock off porn for 30 days, everything will start to work again. No, let's prescribe this child
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a little blue pill. It's insane. Your question is a good one. What ends up happening in the marital
00:23:14.080
relation is that generally speaking, the man will suffer from erectile dysfunction and not be able to
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perform unless he is in front of his computer, getting those constant images, bombarding, scrolling
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and scrolling and scrolling. And I've spoken to many couples where the wife has said, well, I don't want
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him to leave me. I want him to be fulfilled. So they bring that into the bedroom and she feels used
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and dirty and almost as if she's not even there. And unfortunately, that's the truth of what is
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happening in this man's brain at that moment. You know that here on LifeSite, we love to tell
00:24:05.140
amazing stories. There are a few so heroic and amazing as the story we're about to tell you that's
00:24:17.100
When I was in seminary, I was reading a book by Henry Nowen. He talked about a nuclear man, you know,
00:24:23.320
and people who grew up in the 1980s were kind of formed by that immediate and constant threat of
00:24:29.880
nuclear annihilation. My generation has grown up, you know, under the specter of priestly sexual
00:24:39.000
abuse. I think that for many of us, that has also been all-encompassing. You know, I mean,
00:24:49.100
I entered the seminary in January of 2004 and it's basically been there for me from in the beginning.
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One priest's sacrifice for many priestly sins. The story of Father John Hallowell.
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This is stunning because the science fits so perfectly. It shouldn't be surprising for anybody,
00:25:21.000
but God did to make us after all. But it fits absolutely perfectly with the Catholic teaching.
00:25:30.880
I tell you, he who looks at another woman with lust commits adultery in his heart.
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So there's no way to do this, this kind of in the bedroom, watch something else and just be with
00:25:45.380
you. That's complete insanity. That is adultery. So there's no way around it. There are a lot of
00:25:54.180
people, unfortunately, who believe that this is an okay thing. There are priests who counsel that this
00:26:01.980
is an okay thing. It is mortally sinful and harms your marriage massively. There's no way to do this.
00:26:09.920
So, yeah, it's, it's a challenge. What's your message to priests who are confused on this issue
00:26:17.940
and sort of counsel people to, ah, this is okay. It's probably a thing to do.
00:26:25.540
Father, we are all going to stand in front of the Lord one day. We're going to all answer and, and,
00:26:32.500
and Lord knows I have a list of things to answer for. Um, but I do have a lot of compassion for these
00:26:41.160
priests because they were never taught in the seminary about these issues at all, never came up,
00:26:49.880
uh, here at integrity restored. We, we've done over the years, um, numerous in-person kind of four day
00:26:57.900
intensives where we train the priests, how to deal with this in, in the confessional and spiritual
00:27:04.940
direction and sacramental prep in just everyday conversations, going to a parishioners barbecue
00:27:11.400
because is that ubiquitous now? I mean, even mainstream TV talks about pornography and jokes
00:27:18.100
about it. Like it's no big deal. So our priests need to be trained. So we're building right now.
00:27:24.160
And I would ask for prayers because we are hitting every wall possible. Uh, the, the enemy does not
00:27:31.580
want this to happen, but we are building an 18 hour online certification program for our priests
00:27:37.900
that is going to be asynchronous. They can do the studies anytime they're available, uh, and,
00:27:46.260
and really get this information that they need to run an effective ministry in today's world.
00:27:52.680
So please pray for that. Ladies and gentlemen, we'll do that. That's, that's huge of all the
00:27:59.120
things they need to do. Um, that's so central. So basic. It's what they deal with every single day
00:28:05.300
without fail in the confessional. And when you talk to a priest or a bishop, I promise you,
00:28:11.460
you know, they're not going to break the seal, but if you just ask them, what's the most confessed sin?
00:28:16.780
It's this, it's this, it's this, we have people reaching out to us for help who are daily communicants
00:28:25.500
and who have been struggling with this silently for years because of the shame and the guilt.
00:28:31.500
Ladies and gentlemen, we have to stop that. I tell people all the time when I'm out giving public
00:28:37.060
talks. If you yourself are not struggling, you absolutely know and love someone who is.
00:28:45.900
That's just the statistics. That's the numbers.
00:28:49.960
There is a portion, um, a very, very small proportion of people who still understand some
00:28:59.120
of the church's teaching on this. It's ancient church teaching, but it's hardly known at all.
00:29:10.800
Nobody talks about that anymore. Um, part of it is because, well, quite honestly, it would make life
00:29:17.280
very difficult. We are surrounded by literally pornographic images or images that, that put one foot
00:29:28.800
foot on a banana peel, that you're going to go down the road. That is social media is a huge problem.
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Television, advertisements, billboards, it's surrounding us all the time. So the conversation
00:29:43.440
about custody of the eyes has really gone out of our preaching, uh, in, in the church. And it's really
00:29:50.540
unfortunate because one of the negative things that happens when we don't talk about it in, in God's
00:29:58.200
understanding of it is that we start to blame the women. Well, it's the woman's fault. She's dressed
00:30:05.140
provocatively. That's wrong. She's tempting me, blah, blah, blah. When I, when I first came back to
00:30:12.080
the church, uh, I would, you know, when you're going up to receive communion, oh my goodness, especially
00:30:19.480
when now you finally understand what it means. You're just, your heart is so full and you, and
00:30:26.320
you're, you're so excited to receive our Lord and savior body, blood, soul, and divinity. And so I'm
00:30:34.360
walking up there and I am just so excited and I'm pious as can be. And then, oh my goodness, what a
00:30:41.360
but just like that, I'm distracted by a beautiful young lady. I was talking to my spiritual director
00:30:51.160
years ago about this. And he said, wow, that's pretty awesome, Jim. What do you mean, father?
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He said, look how amazing God made you that you can recognize, even in that moment, when you're so
00:31:06.260
focused, you can recognize true beauty. Now, what you do with that thought is your problem.
00:31:15.040
And so we talked about it for a while and we came up with this strategy and I've shared it in men's
00:31:20.400
conferences all over the country. When that happens to you, whether it's at mass, which can happen,
00:31:26.780
or on the street, or even watching a program on television, when you see an image like that of a
00:31:33.080
beautiful woman and right away, your mind goes to her body parts or a lustful thought, stop, pray for
00:31:42.040
her. And the prayer is very simple. Lord, I don't know what this woman needs. I thank you for making
00:31:49.320
this incredibly beautiful sister. I pray for her now that you will grant her what she's looking for at
00:31:57.940
this moment. Done. Takes the lust out of it. I cannot look at that woman the same way if I have
00:32:06.460
just prayed for her. It's amazing how the spirit changes and our brain, again, being neuroplastic,
00:32:14.980
changes. You turn off the deepest part of your brain, the reptile brain, I like to call it,
00:32:20.500
and you turn on the frontal lobe where you're actually thinking. The deepest part of our brain
00:32:27.780
is four F's, I call it. Flight, freeze, fight, and fornicate. That is in the deepest part of our brain.
00:32:40.680
God made it that way. That's how we stayed alive and propagated the human race.
00:32:47.220
But we need to turn that off or it can just become a lust driver. So when you're stuck
00:32:55.040
dealing with that issue where my eyes are constantly looking, okay, recognize it's a good
00:33:01.640
thing and pray for that person. It's amazing how your thoughts will change.
00:33:07.040
It's amazing. There's another thought that's comparable to that. It was the testimony of a
00:33:13.780
former porn actress. And she said, guys, if you're looking at porn, you have to stop.
00:33:23.660
You have to remember, you're looking at someone's daughter, perhaps your own daughter,
00:33:33.080
As I've gotten older and had kids of myself, my own, the daughter thing.
00:33:44.520
That does more than thinking of just some random person, even sister, child of God, whatever,
00:33:51.800
daughter. Because then you get that from a wholly different perspective.
00:33:56.360
Absolutely. From providing and protecting, which is, as Catholic men, what we're supposed to be
00:34:03.760
doing. You're not providing and protecting if you're watching this kind of material. You're
00:34:08.880
actually part of the problem. If there wasn't demand, they wouldn't be making 39 new movies
00:34:15.640
every single day in the United States. Many of those women are drug addicts. Many of those women
00:34:23.100
are economically disadvantaged and being forced. Many of those women are trafficked in the truest
00:34:29.800
definition of the word. I wrote a number of years ago a book, a little e-book that you could get for
00:34:37.360
free called Porn Slaves. And this is stories of what happens to these people, not just the women,
00:34:44.920
the men as well. They're being abused all the time. And we as Catholic men say, well, that's okay,
00:34:52.920
because I'm not cheating on my wife. Number one, you are. And number two, it can never be okay
00:34:58.920
to allow someone to be abused like that. If we lower the demand, they will stop reducing. It's all
00:35:07.180
about money. It's a multi hundred billion dollar industry. Yeah.
00:35:11.640
So let's go back to your thought from earlier, because there is a portion to it that is about
00:35:20.360
modesty as well. And I know you didn't mean to dismiss that. It's just on the part of us guys,
00:35:28.000
when we're dealing with it in the marketplace, as you might say, or in the public square,
00:35:33.260
we have to practice custody of the eyes. Absolutely. We have to recognize in that
00:35:39.140
daughter of our Lord, our own child or our own sister, however you want to look at it, that
00:35:45.720
enables you to get there. And it's a powerful mind shift, as you said. But talk to us about
00:35:52.980
modesty as well. What does it mean in this whole war?
00:35:57.040
It's one of many things that that literally breaks my heart. I, too, am a father. And I have a
00:36:06.120
daughter. And unfortunately, the message that our young girls, women are receiving today is their
00:36:16.340
value is only in the collection of their body parts and how they look. And that's heartbreaking.
00:36:24.860
And so, of course, many of our young girls and unfortunately, our parents, the parents of
00:36:30.720
these girls don't know any better either. They've fallen for the lies that in order to be popular or
00:36:37.680
successful, they have to dress immodestly and show their, quote unquote, assets to to be attractive.
00:36:47.860
How can we allow as fathers, at least I can't talk for moms, but as fathers, how can we allow our
00:36:56.340
daughters to be distilled down to just the sum of their body parts and physical attributes, how they
00:37:03.640
look? It enrages me, honestly, that we allow that. Women need to be modest. There's no question.
00:37:13.440
It's important for their own well-being, their own self-esteem to to be modest. It makes them feel
00:37:23.480
much better. They don't like being ogled. They want the attention, but not in that way. So why don't
00:37:31.380
we treat our young, I teach our young ladies to dress beautifully, attractively, but modestly? It
00:37:41.600
doesn't have to be opposites. Yeah, it's, it's unbelievable. You know, part of this disconnect
00:37:51.460
is about women not understanding guys and guys not understanding women as well, but I can speak
00:38:01.040
in the one direction much more easily than the other. Um, I've said it so many talks to young
00:38:07.460
people. So, and this is for a mixed audience. So I'd like the guys to come up, whoever wants to
00:38:17.860
say what you think of when you see a girl walking down the street, mini skirt, high heels, you know,
00:38:26.260
crop top, whatever, all those wonderful words that you think of in your mind when you see that and
00:38:32.300
you're looking after her, come on up and tell us. No one volunteers. I had once one guy, uh, I was in
00:38:42.720
New Zealand giving a talk and one of these guys thought he was real cool and came up to the front
00:38:46.500
and he just said a swear word. I won't even repeat it here. And I said, thank you. Thank you for being
00:38:55.160
honest. Now, young ladies, that's what the guys are thinking. Not a single one of them is ever going
00:39:03.640
to go, wow, she is so beautiful. She's such a gift of God. I wish I could meet her and get married.
00:39:10.000
I think we would make beautiful children together. Sorry. No, that's not what happens.
00:39:16.100
Not at all. There was a, there was a study a few years ago and I, I, I was wracking my brain trying
00:39:21.640
to think of it while you were speaking and I can't at the moment, but they showed guys in, in kind of
00:39:27.460
an MRI machine, um, to, to study the areas of the brain, uh, that lit up with certain imagery.
00:39:34.200
And this was kind of, uh, incredible, but not surprising when they showed very scantily dressed
00:39:43.680
women to the men, the same area of the brain lit up when they showed them a hammer.
00:39:50.700
When they showed a scantily dressed woman to a man, the same area of the brain lit up when they showed
00:40:03.460
them a hammer and people go, I don't understand the correlation. It's unfortunate and simple. It's
00:40:11.560
something to be used. Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of crazy, but that's what happens, uh, particularly in
00:40:21.960
adolescent males brains. The more they're exposed to those images, the more women just become something
00:40:29.320
for their pleasure, something to be used, uh, for their benefit. And let me tell you something,
00:40:36.700
ladies and gentlemen, and I'm sure you will agree that is not how marriage works. And then we wonder
00:40:43.480
why the divorce rate is what it is. The American association of matrimonial lawyers, a nice way of
00:40:51.540
saying divorce lawyers. And, and by the way, these are not probably the most moral people in the world
00:40:56.460
has said in up to 60% of divorces, pornography usage has played a significant role.
00:41:04.200
Wow. Unreal. So do we get to freedom? I mean, this problem sounds so ubiquitous. Um, it,
00:41:22.940
it really is stunning. The, the numbers when you first give us those numbers, what does it actually
00:41:27.460
look like in terms of where the public is actually at? Given how stunning it is, is, is, is freedom
00:41:34.160
so possible, actual freedom. Um, so the, the numbers are what I said before without, and I'll
00:41:41.440
give you some stats in a moment, but, uh, without the numbers, if you yourself, I can almost make this
00:41:47.060
promise guaranteed. If you yourself are not struggling today, you absolutely know and love
00:41:52.480
someone who is, that's how widespread it is. Some studies say between 80 and 90% of men, uh,
00:42:00.300
under the age of 65. So, and they're studying between 18 and 65, 80 to 90% of men have used
00:42:08.440
pornography in the last week. Um, and now increasingly up to 40% of women, uh, in that,
00:42:15.860
in that similar age group. So, uh, the woman's number is growing rapidly. Men's number has always
00:42:22.940
kind of been steady. The fact of the matter is Sunday's a church in the pews. There are people
00:42:30.680
struggling. And who's helping them. I kind of take it as a challenge that we have to help everybody
00:42:38.940
because, um, this is everybody's problem. This is the problem of our, of our priesthood,
00:42:48.760
of our marriages, of our future generations. How can we not address this? When, when most of these
00:42:56.880
people are starting to doubt their relationship as a son or daughter of a loving God, because they
00:43:03.840
haven't been able to break free. So that means God doesn't care or he doesn't care about me.
00:43:12.860
Your second question is freedom possible. Absolutely. Is it going to be easy? No.
00:43:21.700
Is recovery a straight line? Do this, do this, do that? No, not at all. Particularly with this issue,
00:43:28.240
because again, we're carrying our own source of supply, those addictive chemicals, uh, that the
00:43:34.980
body craves, the society that we live in, that, that constantly bombards us with hyper-sexualized
00:43:43.820
imagery and language. So it's not going to be easy, but it is possible here at Integrity Restored.
00:43:51.820
I've been doing this work for eight years now. Um, thousands, we've seen thousands of, of people
00:43:58.320
healed from this addiction, uh, hundreds, if not thousands of marriages healed, uh, children
00:44:05.060
protected who were, who were struggling with this. And the parents, thanks be to God, got involved
00:44:11.800
and, and got them help. Um, there's a lot of hope too. And I can promise you when you speak to somebody
00:44:20.960
who's in recovery or recovered, when you speak to a marriage that has been healed of, of this damage,
00:44:30.700
it's never been better. You see, God will allow us to go through this struggle, but boy, he has
00:44:39.480
something so much better in mind for us. And once we get to that other side, the gifts are incredible
00:44:48.580
in our own lives and in our relationships. Yeah. There is another side. There is an ability
00:44:57.800
to get to purity. God wants that for us. He wouldn't put that want in us without giving us
00:45:03.800
that ability and the resources are there. Tell us please, Jim, where can we find the resources that
00:45:09.860
we need? Sure. Um, I would recommend you go to integrityrestored.com, uh, to start your search.
00:45:18.580
And, uh, if you have any specific questions, you can always send us an email info at integrityrestored.com.
00:45:27.100
We've got a weekly podcast that talks about this. We have a great online integrity circle coaching
00:45:33.840
program, um, for people to learn more about this addiction, how it works, the scientific,
00:45:40.540
the spiritual, and the relational, uh, aspects of it. Uh, we have a program for wives called bloom for
00:45:47.520
Catholic women for women suffering from betrayal trauma. So, um, that'd be a great first step.
00:45:54.600
And the one thing I tell people all the time, continue to educate yourself. This problem is
00:46:02.360
everywhere in every family, in every parish, in every community, make sure you are educated
00:46:09.720
so that you can help those that God puts in your circle of influence.
00:46:16.000
One of the big questions people are going to have is for their children, for their youth,
00:46:21.060
um, their teens and whatnot. Is there stuff specifically for parents there as well?
00:46:26.460
There is on our website. Um, we have a really, there's a whole section on our website just for
00:46:31.380
that. Uh, we have a really cool resource in our store. Uh, it's a little tiny book. It's called
00:46:37.380
Plunging Pornography, a Catholic bathroom book for teens. And, uh, the concept behind the book
00:46:44.240
is the parents read it first, and then you drop it in the kid's bathroom. And we all know that
00:46:50.140
teenagers spend an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom. It doesn't matter if they're boys or
00:46:54.560
girls. They hang out in the bathroom a lot. At some point, you're going to hear that kid giggling
00:46:59.540
because this book is really funny. That's a great time to start the conversation.
00:47:04.980
Here's the things, mom and dad. This is not a one and done conversation. This is not the birds
00:47:13.000
and the bees talk. This is something your child is going to be battling every day for the rest of
00:47:21.200
their life. The world doesn't want this to go away. So you have to equip your children with the tools
00:47:29.300
and the understanding how to navigate that. So this is a constant conversation. And what I tell
00:47:36.440
parents all the time, please, please, for heaven's sake, please do not react with anger. If you find
00:47:46.720
out your child is using porn, has been exposed to porn, react with mercy because it's not their fault.
00:48:01.660
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Unbelievable. It is a sugar. I want to give you this one funny little story. It comes to me from a great
00:48:54.280
friend of mine, Michael Ryan. He talks about a monastery. A guy in his 30s goes, finally enters
00:49:02.040
the monastery. And he has this problem. And he's there a couple years. And he goes to the director, who's
00:49:11.100
80 years old. And he says, Father, Father, can I talk to you privately? They go over the corner. Yes, my son.
00:49:18.760
I've been struggling with this, these thoughts, these impurities for like the last two years. I thought when I
00:49:24.200
came here, it'd be much better. But you, you, you, Father, you, you've been here many, many years and
00:49:29.080
you're, you're a man of advanced years and, and holiness. Tell me, when does it end?
00:49:36.040
The father looks at him and replies, you better go speak with brother Dominic. He's 99.
00:49:44.340
Moral of the story is this, this battle continues.
00:49:49.420
Absolutely. And, and, and particularly as parents, I, you know, you're going to need to
00:49:54.720
start having these conversations younger than you want to. Um, and I tell parents all the time
00:49:59.940
when you're having these conversations with your kids, leave your own broken sexual narrative at the
00:50:08.380
door. We all have that. We live in a fallen world. We've all had struggles or thoughts or difficulties
00:50:16.900
or, or done things that maybe we wish we didn't. Don't bring that into the conversation with your
00:50:23.160
child. They don't have that. They're pure, they're innocent, and they're like a sponge.
00:50:30.780
So start early talking to them about their bodies and sexuality and what it means in God's eyes,
00:50:38.080
what God's plan for sexuality is for their life and have that conversation regularly. And when your
00:50:45.660
child does come across porn, because they will, you'll be the first person they come to, not their
00:50:52.880
buddy on the playground. And that's what you want.
00:50:58.120
Unbelievable. Jim, O'Day, thank you so much for all the work that you're doing.
00:51:03.240
You are attacking Satan head on. Our prayers are with you. It's a, it's a great work. It's a
00:51:10.960
courageous work. That's one that's so needed in our society today. IntegrityRestored.com. Go check it
00:51:18.480
out. God bless you, Jim. God bless you. Thank you so much for having me.
00:51:24.280
And God bless all of you. We'll see you next time.
00:51:27.540
Hi, everyone. This is John Henry Weston. We hope you enjoyed this program. To see more like it,
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