In this episode, Dr. Phil McGraw talks about his new book, "We've Got Issues," and why he believes we're under attack, both psychologically and socially, in the West. He also discusses the role technology plays in society and the role it plays in shaping it, and why we should all be concerned about the impact it can have on our ability to communicate and connect with each other. Dr. McGraw is a clinical psychologist, author, and media personality, and has worked with some of the world's most famous celebrities and media personalities. He's been in the business for over 40 years, and is one of the most well-known clinical psychologists in the world. He has been on TV for over 30 years and is a regular contributor to the New York Times, CNN, CBS, NPR, and many other media outlets. He is also the author of a number of books, including "We're All Under Attack" and "Free Speech Is Yours: How We're Under Attack." and "We Have Issues." He is a frequent guest on CNN and NPR, as well as being a frequent contributor on Fox News and NPR. Let's talk about how we're all under attack by technology, and what we can do to defend ourselves, both personally and collectively, from the tyranny of the fringe, and from the forces that are pushing us all to the edge of our understanding. of what's really going on in our society. and how we need to speak up and speak up to stop the loudest and loudest to speak out. about what's going on the truth and speak the truth. in order to have a better, and to make a better version of ourselves in the 21st century. We're all in this, and we can all have a brighter future you deserve a brighter, better, more of a brighter and more peaceful, more productive, more prosperous, more beautiful, more woke, more kinder, more thoughtful, more informed, more compassionate, and kinder world. Let's all get together, and let's all be kinder and more aware of the truth, shall we all get better at listening to each other, and more awake, more aware, more awake and more understanding each other so we can hear each other out loud, and see more of each other's ideas and less of our thoughts and thoughts, so we don't have to be so loud, we can be more like that.
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00:01:10.340I have the opportunity today to talk to Dr. Phil McGraw, who's probably perhaps the world's most well-known practicing clinical psychologist,
00:01:19.220certainly on the media side of things, and he's been doing that with extreme success for decades,
00:01:25.500and that's quite something to pull off.
00:01:27.300And he's come leaping forward once again, not only with a new network that's going to launch on cable and elsewhere on April 2nd,
00:01:36.260but also with a new book called We've Got Issues, which is definitely the case, both psychologically and socially, in the West.
00:01:44.260And so that's what we're going to walk through.
00:02:47.780And thank you for agreeing to talk to me today.
00:02:50.280It seems like you're everywhere at the moment.
00:02:53.040And I want to talk about how you managed that.
00:02:55.460But I suspect it has something to do, at least with the topic of your new book, which is We've Got Issues.
00:03:02.240Yeah, well, that certainly seems to be the case.
00:03:04.720And you start the book by outlining in your estimation, by making the case that there is something that's under attack or a set of things that are under attack.
00:03:14.680And you concentrate on free speech, faith, and family.
00:03:18.520And so I guess the first obvious question is, why do you believe that we're under attack, so to speak?
00:03:26.060Why that metaphor, under attack by what?
00:03:28.700And why did you pick those three principles as the central focus of your alert and your defense?
00:04:43.700I mean, there are great benefits from it, of course, but there are a lot of unintended side effects as well.
00:04:50.260And when I look at what's going on in this country, I think that the backbone of any society is the family.
00:05:01.040I think that's the strength of any society.
00:05:03.760And when I say it's under attack, I think it's under attack in part unintentionally by technology and in part because there are people that are pushing narratives in current society that have nothing to do with reality, have nothing to do with science, have nothing to do with fact, nothing to do with history.
00:05:26.620They're just running an agenda that's very self-referential and it is not in our best interest at all to sit silently by and allow these people to hijack what's going on, the narrative of this country.
00:05:41.460And I'll tell you further that I believe that if we don't speak up, I call it the tyranny of the fringe.
00:05:50.420I think if we don't speak up, they're going to hijack and start taking over.
00:05:57.700They're going to take over priorities and how those priorities are pursued.
00:06:05.120And I hear I'm talking about things that I think could absolutely undermine society, like this equality of outcome concept.
00:06:17.740To me, I can't think of anything more destructive to a society than teaching everybody that we're going to work towards an equality of outcome.
00:06:30.160We've got 100,000 corpses to prove that doesn't work.
00:06:35.760And so I think that we've been just the same in America and in Canada.
00:06:44.360It's been built on a meritocracy where hard work was rewarded, talent was rewarded, added value was rewarded.
00:06:52.720And now all of a sudden, we're violating some of the most fundamental principles of the psychology, like just simply don't reward bad behavior.
00:07:02.000Don't support things you don't want to see more of.
00:07:04.500I mean, this is Psych 101, but it seems like people skipped that course.
00:07:11.400It seems like those that are trying to run some of these agendas don't understand that you have to have an insight into how people are motivated, what gets them passionate, what gets them moving forward.
00:07:27.300And when I see these things happening, I say, well, somebody's got to step up and call this out for what it is, which is lunacy.
00:07:33.840And, but, you know, we're, people are three times as unwilling to speak up now as they were in 1950.
00:07:44.020I mean, the number of people unwilling to take the risk has tripled since 1950.
00:07:48.960Okay, so let me walk through these things again.
00:07:51.320I'll lay out a bit of my understanding.
00:07:53.380And then if you could push back and elaborate on that, that would be helpful.
00:07:57.800So it seems to me with regard to family, so human beings are unique biologically because of the unbelievably extended dependency period of our children.
00:08:08.420And so we are, we have a particular reproductive strategy.
00:08:13.160Other creatures have that reproductive strategy to some degree, but we are the ultimate exemplars of low reproductive rate, high investment strategies.
00:08:24.420And it seems to me that the corollary of that is that raising children is sufficiently challenging and difficult and also important that one person can't do it well on average.
00:08:38.200And so the rule seems to be both morally and perhaps arguably biologically that the nuclear family is the necessary minimum of social arrangement that allows for propagation.
00:08:54.160And so if we fragment the family below the level of the nuclear, then things fall apart.
00:08:59.920Now, maybe the nuclear family is also too fragmented, but we can start with it as a minimal basis.
00:09:06.080And so any attempt to, for example, put forward the claim that all familial structures are of equal value is counterproductive if it's the case that raising children is so complex that a minimum of two people have to engage in it.
00:09:22.360On the free speech side, I don't think there's any difference between free speech and thought fundamentally.
00:09:29.120Thought can be awkward because critical thought requires that people dispense with their foolish ideas and that can be painful.
00:09:36.820And people who push the no offense agenda would like to believe that we can think and we can think critically without any emotional consequences.
00:09:46.880And I don't think that's true because it's actually painful to have your ideas exposed as foolish and then to dispense with them.
00:09:54.680And so we seem to have entered a situation where compassion for short-term consequences means that we're willing to allow foolish things to propagate even though that will cause long-term catastrophe.
00:10:08.980And there's a technical description of morality in there too, which I think you kind of point to when you talk about your working principles.
00:10:17.820Don't reward bad behavior, support conduct you do not value, for example.
00:10:23.200That's an injunction not to let foolish things occur in the present, even if stopping them causes some emotional disruption because then worse things will happen in the future.
00:10:33.760And then the last one is faith and faith is a hard thing to defend in some ways because people say faith in what?
00:10:41.940But my sense is that we have to move forward in faith because we're ignorant and that means that we have to bet on some things rather than others.
00:10:52.460And so the question there starts to become, you know, what is it that we should bet on?
00:10:56.820And so with regard to faith, how do you negotiate that?
00:11:01.160You're a scientifically oriented thinker as well.
00:11:03.580And so when you're making the case that if faith is under attack, we're in trouble, how do you justify that claim?
00:11:11.540Going online without ExpressVPN is like not paying attention to the safety demonstration on a flight.
00:11:17.160Most of the time you'll probably be fine, but what if one day that weird yellow mask drops down from overhead and you have no idea what to do?
00:11:24.820In our hyper-connected world, your digital privacy isn't just a luxury.
00:11:29.780Every time you connect to an unsecured network in a cafe, hotel or airport, you're essentially broadcasting your personal information to anyone with a technical know-how to intercept it.
00:11:39.280And let's be clear, it doesn't take a genius hacker to do this.
00:11:42.460With some off-the-shelf hardware, even a tech-savvy teenager could potentially access your passwords, bank logins and credit card details.
00:11:49.900Now, you might think, what's the big deal?
00:14:34.400What we're doing is saying, we're going to give you these psychometrics, and what we're going to do is tell you that you have an awful lot in common with people who have been observed to be depressed.
00:14:48.860They spend more time with flat affect or whatever.
00:14:52.320So we can't tell you you're depressed, but we can tell you you answered these items consistent with an awful lot of people who are depressed and that we have observed.
00:15:01.220And so, you know, again, there's a certain extrapolation from that that we have to rely on.
00:15:08.800We can't measure it like we do with an x-ray or an MRI with a brain scan.
00:15:12.680And it's not a big leap to me to say that I do have faith.
00:15:23.200I've never seen a conflict between that and my approach to science.
00:15:28.840I just look at this as something that we don't yet have observable measurement for, just like we didn't for the molecule or other smaller units of function.
00:15:42.940So I don't have trouble reconciling that, but I guess I take it on faith, which is kind of defining something by itself.
00:15:52.080And I know that's circular in nature, but it works for me.
00:15:58.160And I think an awful lot of people find comfort in the belief system that there is a higher power that I choose to call God that is kind of involved in our lives on as active a basis as we want to acknowledge.
00:16:19.260And I'm one of those Christians, Jordan, that believes in pray to God, but row for the shore.
00:16:28.240So that's why I don't see it as conflict.
00:16:30.980I'm still going to do everything I can do.
00:16:34.520I'm still going to work as hard as I can work.
00:16:37.140I'm going to do everything because I believe that if there is a God, and I believe there is,
00:16:45.200then I think I've been given certain gifts, talent, skills, abilities, and free will to do what I can and will do.
00:16:55.040So to me, I don't see that there is equity in creating a conflict between science and faith.
00:17:04.800So I'm going to elaborate on the faith idea here too, because you pointed out that because we're ignorant,
00:17:14.320we have to rely on our judgment to move forward.
00:17:20.560And we're permanently ignorant because we actually can't predict the future.
00:17:25.240The future is actually not predictable.
00:17:27.640The world is not deterministic, and we know this for a number of reasons, many of which are scientific.
00:18:07.620The Pharisees are hypocrites, the scribes are academics, and the lawyers, well, they're still lawyers.
00:18:12.500And what they're essentially trying to do continually in the Gospel account is to trap Christ into making a heretical statement so that they can have him arrested and destroyed.
00:18:21.760And so they're attempting to reputation savage, essentially.
00:18:26.000And so at one point, this is a very famous scene, and I'm sure you know it.
00:18:31.620One of his opponents challenges Jesus to describe which of the commandments is the primary commandment.
00:18:43.420And the hope there is that he'll pick one, and by picking one, we'll denigrate the others.
00:18:48.620And because he's denigrating the others in comparison, they can bring him up on charges of heresy.
00:18:53.940And he says something quite remarkable.
00:18:56.580He says that the Ten Commandments are manifestations of an underlying unity of moral conceptualization, and that they circulate around a particular theme.
00:19:06.940And the theme, you can express the theme quite concisely in a twofold manner.
00:19:21.140And then number two, you should treat other people as though as you would like to be treated.
00:19:25.680You should put yourself in their position and work for that harmonious unity that would emerge if you treated other people the way you would want to be treated if you were treating yourself properly.
00:19:38.520So really what he's doing, it's so interesting, he's taking a cloud of conception, which is the Ten Commandments, which were themselves derived from an analysis.
00:19:47.800It's an analysis like you said you conducted in some ways by listening to the tens of thousands of comments that you've received from the people who've been watching and listening to what you've been doing.
00:19:57.240You accumulated all of this cries from the people, let's say.
00:20:02.460You derive a set of principles as a consequence of that, but those principles themselves orient around something that's central.
00:20:10.520That central point of orientation, I think, is equivalent to God, and it's also equivalent to what we should have faith in.
00:20:18.040And so I would say, you tell me what you think, but this is where the question is.
00:20:21.760Now, you outlined a set of problems, attack on free speech, faith, and family, and then you identified ten working principles.
00:20:29.040So what do you think of the idea that that which you have faith in, and I'm speaking personally here, that which you have faith in, is equivalent to the spirit that all of these principles point to?
00:20:42.140You see what I mean, that there's an underlying unity there that makes those principles coherent.
00:20:49.260It does strike me as plausible, and I leave room for that to be defined differently by each person.
00:20:59.040That is sorting through the events of their life.
00:21:02.100You know, the first principle that I have in, we've got issues, how you can stand strong for America's soul and sanity, which is, I think that the subtitle of this book is as important as the title because the book is very prescriptive.
00:21:18.100You know, any jackass can kick down a barn, but it takes a carpenter to build one back, and I don't like it when people criticize and then don't offer a better alternative.
00:21:29.540If you don't have a better alternative, why don't you just shut up?
00:21:32.520Because all you're doing is just poking holes in something, and I think you need to have an alternative.
00:21:38.660And I think it begins with something that—the reason I say that I think it's each person comes at it from a different point of view, even though there is a unifying principle, is I think we all have a personal truth.
00:21:51.520And that personal truth is what we think, feel, and believe about ourselves when nobody else is looking, nobody else is listening, we've taken off the social mask, and we're being honest with ourselves.
00:22:08.400And unless people have made a concerted effort to do some repairs, we all have a damaged personal truth.
00:22:19.360And so, I mean, it's—I think about it like a brand-new, shiny, yellow cab rolling out in New York the first day, and it looks great, and it's shiny, and everything is perfect.
00:22:34.300And you catch up with it 20 years later, it's going to look like a dog's been chewing on it out in the backyard.
00:22:52.940And some of us, more than others, I think the reason personal truth is so important in getting to that unifying principle is we generate the results in life we think we deserve.
00:23:08.200And so, if we think we're a second-class citizen, if we think we don't measure up to everybody else in some way, we're going to generate the results that are consistent with that.
00:23:22.640And, you know, this will sound arrogant, but I think most people are capable of doing this.
00:23:29.260There are certain people I can see just walking down the sidewalk, and without any other information than just what I'm looking at, there are certain things that I know about that person.
00:23:40.040I mean, if there's somebody that, A, doesn't take care of themselves, their clothes are unkept, doesn't matter how nice they are, it's just they're unkept.
00:23:48.920You know, they're kind of heads down, they're shuffling along.
00:23:51.660It just seems like every step is barely what they can do.
00:23:56.780I know for one thing for certain in my mind is that person has a damaged personal truth, because they're generating that existence in their life.
00:24:08.640They're not walking with their head up and their shoulders back.
00:24:11.760They're not out in the middle of the sidewalk.
00:24:13.820They're just kind of skulking along the side.
00:24:15.700They're generating exactly what they think they deserve.
00:24:18.280And I think that 80% of society can wind up in that role if they feel guilty about what they think and believe.
00:24:28.600And we have evidence of this in that the number of people willing to speak out has tripled, unwilling to speak out has tripled in the last 75 years.
00:24:40.000So there's a lack of passion and conviction, perhaps, and a fear of being canceled, attacked.
00:25:25.940And it's why our young people right now, I'll get to that in a minute maybe, but it's why our young people right now are experiencing a mental emotional crisis.
00:25:33.540With high levels of anxiety, depression, loneliness, suicidal ideation, and suicidality.
00:25:41.240Because people compare their personal truth with other people's social masks.
00:25:47.860And I could go to school and I know that I just left a house that was in chaos.
00:25:58.760And I'm sitting next to a kid with a pressed shirt on and a washed face and his hair's all combed.
00:26:05.480And if I compare my reality to his social mask, I'm going to lose every single time.
00:26:11.820Now, he may have it worse off than I ever thought of having.
00:26:16.000But if you compare your reality to his social mask, you're going to lose.
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00:27:30.180You know, we elaborated on the idea that, you know, you elaborated out a set of principles and that there's a unifying theme behind them.
00:27:37.560And then you said you bought that explanation, but then you pointed to the fact that other people may come to the table with a different set of principles.
00:27:47.620And so there's a way that the universal particularizes itself in each life.
00:27:53.800You know, I would say, tell me what you think of this proposition.
00:27:56.960So imagine that another person might generate a different list of 10 working principles, but that the higher order principle from which those are derived would remain essentially constant.
00:28:09.560And I would think that would be equivalent to the undamaged car that you described.
00:28:16.120You know, so there's an Old Testament account of the prophet Elijah.
00:28:19.800And Elijah is the first prophet who posits that God is the voice of conscience.
00:28:27.280Now, when you, you made the case that, you made the case at least by inference that people are blessed with the ability to find, to establish a relationship with something that calls to them from within.
00:28:42.680That might be slightly, that might happen in a different way for each person.
00:28:46.040I mean, that's really the difference between people's personality and their temperament.
00:28:49.800Then you made the case that if they deviate from that, that becomes so obvious that you can even see it in their day-to-day behavior.
00:28:56.700You can see it when you're watching people when you walk down the street.
00:29:00.140You know, Dr. Phil, one of the things I've noticed is that most people don't watch other people when they walk down the street, right?
00:29:08.420They look at the ground or they're in their own little bubble.
00:29:10.440I mean, if you watch people on the street, you can get an eyeful of who they are very, very rapidly.
00:29:15.980And, you know, if people are particularly angry and bitter and they're walking down the street and you pay attention to them, that actually sometimes makes them angry, which is why people will avoid eye contact.
00:29:25.660Because you reflect back to them the hell that they've trapped themselves in, and they find that very unpleasant.
00:29:32.120You know, part of the reason I wrote in my first book, I wrote the injunction to people to stand up straight with their shoulders back,
00:29:39.040was to reflect in the microcosm of their behavior an orientation upward and towards what the good was.
00:29:47.020And that that is embedded in everything that people do and every glance they make and every step they take forward.
00:29:54.640So, I think it is the case that people can have their own set of principles.
00:30:02.360That would be the same in some ways is that they come to what is highest in their own personal way.
00:30:08.460But that doesn't indicate that the landscape is morally relative or that there's no unity towards which our conscience and our moral orientation point.
00:30:20.160So, that's a way of reconciling that plurality.
00:31:13.600Treat yourself with dignity and respect.
00:31:18.720Because I believe you can't give away what you don't have.
00:31:22.440So, if somebody doesn't treat themselves with dignity and respect, if they don't heal that damaged personal truth,
00:31:34.360and however that damage came about, maybe it's a woman that has been sexually abused growing up by an uncle or whatever.
00:31:45.140And, you know, we know 95% of molestation is by someone they know to the family.
00:31:50.060It's not the predator in the raincoat at the schoolyard saying, you know, see some pictures and candy.
00:31:57.100I mean, it's somebody we know and trust usually in these situations.
00:32:00.900But let's say it's a woman that has been molested and raped in her childhood, and that's never been healed in her.
00:32:12.540Well, if she doesn't deal with that trauma, if she doesn't heal that trauma, then her children are not going to get 100% of their mother.
00:32:25.560They're not going to get 100% of the woman that is that mother, or if it happened to the father.
00:32:30.880They're not going to get 100% of who he could be, who they could bring to the table, the mother or the father bring to the parenting table,
00:32:41.740unless they heal that damaged personal truth.
00:32:45.100And, you know, for me and my situation growing up with that, I had to heal that personal truth.
00:32:51.840My father died when I was 42 years old, and by that time, I had graduated number one in my class with a double core of Ph.D. programs,
00:33:04.740one medical psychology and one clinical psychology.
00:34:18.900I deserve that as much as anybody else does.
00:34:20.920And unless and until you can do that, you're cheating everybody around you that loves you, cares about you, or interfaces with you out of all of who you are.
00:34:31.600And I think right now, what I'm seeing in this country, in this society, is intimidation.
00:34:40.000People are not necessarily yet willing to step up and say, I deserve for my values to be considered.
00:34:55.020And I think they are intimidated because we've got these fringe factions that have weaponized certain ideals and turned them into attack strategies.
00:35:10.460And I think we have to fortify these people and then treat others with dignity and respect.
00:35:17.880But as I say, you can't give away what you don't have.
00:35:20.340So, you know, it all starts with yourself.
00:35:23.100Now, if you do that, if you look at number one, which is be who you are on purpose.
01:09:20.860Or this metamarxism we have now is every single dimension of potential comparison between people devolves into explanation of power, right?
01:09:31.700It's that all there are, there's an infinite number of dimensions of oppression.
01:09:36.760And it's an interesting explanation because when systems deteriorate, they do deteriorate in the direction of power and oppression.
01:09:47.460So there's almost no system that you can point to that can't be explained in part with a power narrative.
01:09:53.260And alternatively, you can have a narrative of instantaneous gratification, something like that.
01:10:02.660And it's better to replace that with, well, that's what we're struggling with in this conversation, right?
01:10:09.180Is that you want to replace those narratives of power and gratification with a higher order narrative that offers more and explains more simultaneously.
01:10:20.120You at least want to replace it with a social system where you're not in a situation where you've, I would, and I'm not the first one to say this,
01:10:34.780and it's been said better than I can say it, but I would a lot rather have questions I can't answer than answers I can't question.
01:10:45.020And right now we're in a situation too often where we have answers we can't question because if you question an answer, you're labeled a hater, you're labeled some kind of phobe, you're labeled some kind of heretic.
01:11:01.520Just by asking a question, God forbid you disagree, but I would a lot rather have a whole set of questions we haven't found the answers for yet than have a whole set of answers I'm not permitted to even challenge, question, dig in on.
01:11:21.200And I think that's where we are when we're dealing with cults, when we're dealing with power mongers.
01:11:27.060So imagine that it's easy to confuse a questioner with a deconstructionist, right?
01:11:32.560So let's say I'm in a comfortable delusion and you come along and start asking questions.
01:11:37.820Now, my objection to you could be, you're doing nothing but poking holes.
01:11:43.300Now, you're making the claim, and I think this is actually a pointer to what the higher part of identification should be.
01:11:51.380You know, is that, so for example, the ancient Egyptians worshipped the open eye, right?
01:12:20.660But it's easy for people who are entrenched in the delusion to treat every questioner as if he's nothing but an agent of destruction.
01:12:28.160And, you know, you mentioned something here, which is work hard to understand the way others see things.
01:12:37.240Because if you're a questioner and you're using your questioning to do nothing but destroy the other person's belief system, to elevate your moral stature, right?
01:12:49.260To show that you're smarter, to show that you have all the answers.
01:12:52.740That's like the sin of intellectual pride, I would say.
01:12:56.120It's easy to be viewed as a deconstructive agent.
01:12:58.740And then you can understand why people get defensive about their beliefs.
01:13:01.860So, you need to question in the attempt to replace what's insufficient with something better, right?
01:13:09.680So, you have to be a builder and a questioner.
01:13:11.720And it seems to me that that conception of who you are that's part and parcel of treating yourself and others with dignity and respect or even being who you are on purpose,
01:13:26.240that means something like the recognition that you're a building questioner, right?
01:13:33.500Not a destroying questioner and putting that at the center.
01:13:36.200I think that requires you to do something that most people, I don't think, come to naturally.
01:13:44.220And that is, we have to determine what other people's currency is.
01:13:50.880Because we assume that people have the same currency as ourselves.
01:13:58.380And that not only is not true, it's often not the case.
01:14:03.800For example, I think, and I work a lot with law enforcement.
01:14:09.520And I've done training with law enforcement on interrogation techniques, how to do deception detection, things of that nature.
01:14:25.080And I always love talking to the negotiators about how to get where you want to get in a negotiation.
01:14:35.120And Chris Voss, who's probably the most experienced negotiator with the FBI, who's now retired, will tell you this very thing.
01:14:51.020He will tell you that your best shot of ever getting hostages out from a hostage taker is if you can get that hostage taker to fully and completely believe that you understand why they took that hostage to begin with.
01:15:11.220Whether it's a domestic violence situation or a political situation or whatever, if they understand that you get why they did what they did to begin with, so they feel heard that a big part of their currency is, I want to be heard.
01:15:33.000I want people to understand and get why I felt driven to this desperate act, that if you can convince them that, hey, I get it.
01:15:43.620I'm not saying I agree with you, but I see through your eyes how the world looked and why you did what you did.
01:15:50.800Not saying I agree with it, not saying you're going to get away with it.
01:15:53.740I'm just telling you I understand how this looked from your point of view.
01:15:58.320And, I mean, that's true all the way down to a teenager wanting to have a later curfew.
01:16:05.740They can assume, well, my mom and dad just want to control me, and they're saying he's just wanting to be more independent.
01:16:16.380And if you really listen, you can find out, wait a minute, they're being motivated by the currency of safety.
01:16:23.740They know that most of the accidents happen between when the bars let out and the next two hours.
01:16:31.580They want me off the street for safety purposes.
01:16:34.340And if they understand, he wants to be with his friends when all the fun's happening right at the end of the evening.
01:16:40.020And they could negotiate where they both get what they want.
01:16:44.000If they can just agree you're going to be at somebody's house, verifiably, hanging out during that time, then we can negotiate something in between.
01:16:53.060You're off the street, but I don't have to be home with mommy and daddy.
01:16:56.940So if they understand they each have a different currency, giving becomes much easier.
01:17:03.500But to do that, you've got to really listen and learn from somebody to know what's important to them.
01:17:07.620Right. Well, and you're pointing to something there that's a source of inestimable reward in relationship to listening.
01:17:15.900Because, you know, a skeptic might say, well, for example, why should I listen to you if I can just force you to do what I want?
01:17:23.640And there's a couple of answers to that.
01:17:26.100I mean, the first answer is, well, you might be able to force the person now, but that doesn't mean you're going to be able to force them tomorrow.
01:17:33.140And it certainly doesn't mean you're going to be able to force them once they come along with all their friends and tell you to go to hell.
01:17:40.240And so solutions imposed by force tend to be unstable.
01:17:48.500So, you know, I interviewed Chris Voss, by the way, but I also interviewed Franz De Waal about chimpanzees.
01:17:55.540And he's one of the world's foremost primatologists.
01:17:58.080And he's pointed out quite clearly that chimp alphas who use force have very short-term and violent reigns.
01:18:06.260And they reign over very fractured and destabilized chimp troops.
01:18:10.440So you can use force for a while, but it'll come back to haunt you.
01:18:15.480So then you might say, well, what's the alternative?
01:18:17.860And you laid that out to some degree with work hard to understand the way others see things.
01:18:24.520If I can understand what it is that you value, and then I can negotiate with you a solution that enables you to move forward to what you value,
01:18:36.080while I move forward simultaneously toward what I value,
01:18:39.820then we've instantly created a relationship that will survive without supervision, right?
01:18:47.800That's one of the things that's so cool about that is that if you pay attention to someone and you understand what motivates them,
01:18:54.900and then that's built into your agreement,
01:18:58.160you don't have to be a tyrant and you don't have to micromanage because
01:19:01.300you and the person will walk side by side without mutual supervision, right?
01:19:07.060So Jean Piaget figured this out, by the way, when he was studying children.
01:19:11.140You know, he figured this out technically.
01:19:13.040He said, if you put, imagine you put two systems in head-to-head competition with one another.
01:19:18.480One system was like an aristocratic tyranny, top-down using force,
01:19:24.220and another system was bottom-up using voluntary agreement.
01:19:29.220The system based on voluntary agreement will always out-compete the system based on force
01:19:34.220because the system based on force will waste energy in enforcement.