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00:10:45.120And so, we're looking forward to that.
00:10:46.960I'm on a bit of a vacation during August, which is the first time I've had off for about two years, with the exception of one week last year.
00:10:56.180And I'm going to a family reunion in Vancouver Island and then to Saskatchewan to see my family.
00:11:01.140I'm going to do two talks in Saskatchewan while I'm there, one in Saskatoon and one in Regina.
00:11:05.880And I have a lot of family coming to the one in Saskatoon.
00:12:22.540All this interest in these complicated matters and complicated discussions.
00:12:28.280And it's so nice to see people concentrating on psychological and philosophical issues and leaving the idiot politics as far behind as possible.
00:12:37.520Because it's certainly a, what would you call it, a distraction and a dangerous one at that.
00:12:44.000So, it's so funny talking to the mainstream media types because everything they talk about has to be viewed through a political lens.
00:12:53.120And although I continue to insist, I did BBC Hard Talk, which was aired today.
00:12:58.940And that was a classic example of an interviewer being entirely scripted and trying to push everything that's happening around me, I suppose, into a political narrative.
00:13:08.340And it isn't political as far as I'm concerned.
00:13:11.060Not everything is political, despite the insistence of people who feel that the personal is always political.
00:13:17.600It's like, no, there's philosophical domain and a theological domain and a psychological domain.
00:13:23.460Those should be kept the hell separate from politics.
00:13:37.800And I would say, first of all, that's a very common question that people who go into psychotherapy ask.
00:13:44.120I think the most common problem that psychotherapists deal with, apart from anxiety and depression, is probably assertiveness training.
00:13:54.680So, the first thing I would say is you really need to figure out what you want.
00:13:59.700And I would recommend doing the self-authoring program, the future authoring program in particular.
00:14:04.420Because if you want to stand up for yourself, you have to have your goals and your vision well laid out and well defined.
00:14:12.340And then you have to have a strategy that is matched to those goals so that you know what you want.
00:14:21.300So that you know when you're not getting it.
00:14:23.720Otherwise, you're left with a vague sense of dissatisfaction and resentment.
00:14:27.680And that's a very, very difficult thing to articulate.
00:14:30.100And if you can't articulate it, then you can't negotiate.
00:14:33.260If you know what you want and you know why, then you can make a case for yourself.
00:14:37.580Okay, so let's assume now that you've laid out a vision and a counter vision, which the future authoring program also helps you do.
00:14:44.100So you know what kind of hell you want to avoid that you might drift into if you were too agreeable for the rest of your life.
00:14:49.800And that would be a hell that consisted mostly of people taking advantage of you all the time and you feeling resentful and bitter about it.
00:14:58.620See, I think that women are agreeable because it helps them deal with infants.
00:15:04.560But it's not a great temperamental strategy for dealing with complex organizations in the adult world.
00:15:13.540So I think it's a price that women pay for also being adapted to have plenty of patience for very young children.
00:15:19.960And then you have to overcome that to some degree to put yourself forward properly in more complex hierarchies of accomplishment.
00:15:28.700So I would say once you have your vision established, your vision for the future and your counter vision,
00:15:34.460so you're afraid of what will happen if you don't stand up for yourself, then you need to consult your resentment.
00:15:39.480Because if you're resentful about something, as far as I can tell, there's generally only two reasons.
00:15:45.140One is you should grow the hell up and quit whining.
00:15:48.260So you've got to find out first if you're just feeling sorry for yourself.
00:15:51.340And you can think that through, make a pro and con case, and you can talk to somebody that you care about about that.
00:15:56.880I'm not assuming that that's the reason, but that's one potential reason.
00:16:00.740If you're not merely feeling sorry for yourself, then you probably have something to say and something that you need.
00:16:06.640And you need to figure out what that is, and then you have to develop a strategy to put that forward.
00:16:12.000I've seen lots of people in my personal life and in my private practice not get what they want because, well, A, they don't specify it, and B, they don't ask for it.
00:16:21.980And if you're negotiating, say, for a raise or for a promotion and so forth, you have to put yourself forward.
00:16:27.980You need to tell the person you're working for why you should be treated with more consideration or respect or have more resources devoted to you or more authority, what's shifted to you.
00:16:41.140And you have to make a case for that, a compelling case, so that they have a reason to attend to you.
00:16:46.400And they're not going to notice because most managerial types are so overloaded with work that they never notice when anything's going right.
00:16:55.560They just notice the things that are going wrong.
00:18:11.160So that's the other thing I would say is gird up your loins and allow yourself to act courageously and truthfully.
00:18:21.940Truth is your best bet if you're too agreeable.
00:18:24.840So, you know, you also might find that you have a pretty good critical intelligence, but that you think it's mean and so that you keep it hidden.
00:18:30.980Some of the smartest women I knew who were very, very agreeable had unbelievably good instincts with regards to figuring out what other people's motives were.
00:18:39.600But they were ashamed of their suspicions.
00:18:42.600And really what that meant was they ended up being ashamed of their critical intelligence because they were so agreeable.
00:18:47.860So it may be that the darker part of you, the shadow part of you, knows things that you could know if you were willing to admit that they were true.
00:18:54.900And so you have to give some credence to your to your darker element, I would say.
00:19:00.680How do you know if you're communicating with the actual person or a mask?
00:19:20.240I sometimes wonder if I can ever really know someone.
00:19:22.640Well, you can't ever thoroughly know someone because people are too complicated.
00:19:30.340How do you know if you're communicating with the actual person or a mask?
00:19:33.360Well, if you're communicating with an actual person, then you're actually having a conversation.
00:19:38.600You know, and the conversation transforms as a consequence of participating in it.
00:19:43.260And it tends to be engaging and meaningful.
00:19:45.280If what's happening is an exchange of ideological platitudes or just platitudes themselves for that matter, then you're probably engaging with a mask.
00:19:55.440So if the conversation is compelling and meaningful and it transforms as it progresses and you can see that give and take, that dance like give and take, then you're communicating with an actual person.
00:20:07.540The other thing I would say is that when you're communicating with an actual person rather than a mask, the person that you're communicating with tends to be quite interesting.
00:20:17.740You know, if people talk about what they know, which means you're really communicating with them.
00:20:22.080If they talk about their own personal experience instead of wandering off into the domain of cliches and ideological platitudes, then people tend to be extraordinarily interesting.
00:20:32.980And so that's another good tactic and a good hint that you're that you're where you should be when you're conversing.
00:20:40.700One of the rules I had when I was seeing clients actively was that if the conversation I was having wasn't interesting and if my attention started to wander, then we weren't discussing issues that were sufficiently vital.
00:20:54.820Because if we were discussing vital issues, then the conversation basically flew by.
00:21:00.340And so I think that's a good, that's a good marker.
00:21:09.100What new wisdom have you acquired in the past few months that you want to share with us?
00:21:15.020I've thought up a bunch of new things, but this one I'm really happy with.
00:21:18.440I figured out why, you know, some of you know that there's a mythological trope that I discuss fairly frequently about rescuing your father from the belly of the dragon or the belly of the beast.
00:21:33.000It's a motif that you see, you see it in the lion king.
00:21:37.620You see it when Simba is being initiated by the baboon.
00:21:41.360I don't remember, Nafiki, I think his name is, after Nela humiliates him because he's still a pathetic adolescent.
00:21:50.280He follows the baboon, I think it's a mandrill actually, down underground essentially through a long tunnel.
00:21:59.520There's a lot of kind of scary music in the background.
00:22:01.440And he ends up contemplating himself in a dark pool.
00:22:05.140And then his father appears in the sky.
00:22:07.400And so that's one example of the reconstruction of the mythology of encountering your father in the abyss.
00:22:15.420You look into the abyss and you see your father.
00:22:17.860And then in the Pinocchio story, Pinocchio, of course, when he's trying to become a genuine human being,
00:22:23.480instead of a marionette pulled by other people's strings or a neurotic or a liar or a jackass,
00:22:30.600because those are his alternate destinies,
00:22:33.140he goes down to the darkest place he can find, the bottom of the ocean,
00:22:37.220and finds the biggest monster he can look at.
00:22:39.160And inside he finds his father and then rescues him.
00:22:43.060And the question is, why do you find your father when you look into the abyss?
00:22:47.980And I really do think I figured this out.
00:23:33.060And what happens as a consequence of that is that the person usually is able to overcome those fears and develop the necessary skills and to prevail.
00:23:45.060And that's partly because, not so much because they get less afraid, but because they get more skilled and more courageous.
00:23:51.980And so imagine that if you bite off a little more than you can chew, you get stronger as a consequence.
00:23:59.380And you do that in the gym, for example.
00:24:02.000When you go lift weights, you lift weights that are a little heavier all the time.
00:24:05.240And as a consequence, you develop yourself physically.
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00:39:29.300And I don't know of any research specifically pertaining to this.
00:39:34.620Now, I know that people who are high in neuroticism are more likely to miss work and to visit the doctor
00:39:40.320and to be unhappy in their marriages and so forth.
00:39:44.740And that may also account for why 75% of divorces are initiated by women.
00:39:51.400And I think women are more sensitive to negative emotion, partly because they have to take care of infants and need to be more sensitive to threat.
00:39:57.560And perhaps because sexuality is more dangerous to women and perhaps because women are physically smaller.
00:40:05.560All of this seems to kick in at puberty.
00:40:07.440Anyways, it isn't obvious to me that you want to match someone with regards to neuroticism if you're high in neuroticism.
00:40:14.600I think if you're high in neuroticism, you need to find someone who's low in neuroticism because then you have someone around to calm you down.
00:40:22.720Now, apart from that, the research literature does indicate that match is better.
00:40:28.320And you can see why it's hard for extroverts and introverts to get along, especially if they're extreme extroverts and extreme introverts.
00:40:36.460Because an extreme extrovert always wants to be with other people and in groups.
00:40:41.540And an extreme extrovert hardly ever wants that.
00:40:44.640And that's a very, very difficult thing to negotiate.
00:40:47.920And then with conscientiousness, same thing.
00:40:50.820If you're really high in orderliness, it's very hard to be married to someone who's very low in orderliness.
00:40:55.240You're going to end up doing all the cleaning, for example.
00:40:58.840And if you're high in industriousness, same thing.
00:41:01.940Now, if you're super high in industriousness and orderliness, you might want someone who's maybe moderate in both to kind of temper you a bit.
00:41:09.220Because one of the problems with being too high in conscientiousness is that you can't stop working.
00:41:13.940And you should probably stop working from time to time.
00:41:18.800Hard for an agreeable and disagreeable person to get along.
00:41:21.440You know, the disagreeable person who won't shy away from conflict is likely to dominate the agreeable person quite badly.
00:41:34.840So, that's a tough chasm to bridge as well.
00:41:40.420So, you look for temperamental similarity.
00:41:43.560Now, it's complicated because, like, if you're really, really low in industriousness and you marry someone else who's really low in industriousness,
00:41:52.220well, that's going to be trouble for both of you because there isn't going to be anyone around who's going to do the work.
00:41:57.500So, you might understand each other better, but as a long-term strategy, it's not a very good one.
00:42:03.360So, it seems like your message is primarily positive masculine, whereas the positive feminine is not elaborated with near the same resolution.
00:42:19.220I think that might be somewhat true of 12 Rules for Life, although I'm not convinced of that.
00:42:23.780The message in 12 Rules for Life is to find a balance between order and chaos, and there's plenty of discussion in there about the danger of an excess of both.
00:42:34.300Certainly, Maps of Meaning is elaborated out more with regards to the positive masculine, or with regards to...
00:42:44.600Maps of Meaning is elaborated out more completely than 12 Rules with regards to the positive role of the masculine and the feminine.
00:42:53.780I think it's complicated in part because the feminine, classically speaking, is associated with smaller-scale, intimate, familial groupings.
00:43:07.940And so, in a world that's obsessed with adaptation to large-scale social systems,
00:43:19.700it's harder to make a case for the role of the feminine.
00:43:24.600We don't really understand the role of the feminine in large-scale social structures.
00:43:29.180So, and you know, we don't have a cultural myth, apart from Beauty and the Beast, let's say,
00:43:35.820that describes the role of an independent female operating in the fundamentally masculine social world.
00:43:46.000And we don't even know what something like that would look like.
00:43:48.940And there aren't guiding stories to some degree, because women haven't been able to do that except in the last hundred years.
00:43:57.800So, I don't know what the positive feminine, on a large scale, would look like.
00:44:06.220And we don't have guiding stories for that.
00:44:08.900This is partly to underline the absolutely radical nature of the birth control pill.
00:44:16.200And not only that, but the provision of technological devices that aid women in dealing practically with their monthly menstrual cycle,
00:44:28.780which was also a huge impediment to women in terms of interacting in the, let's say, the patriarchal world.
00:44:36.140So, now women can take their place in the broader cultural world.
00:44:39.840And we don't know what the model for that is.
00:44:42.040So, you know, you might say, well, they should adopt the heroic masculine perspective.
00:44:48.320And certainly, to some degree, that's true.
00:44:50.060But that's not a particularly fruitful archetype when it comes to having a family.
00:45:00.360And having a family is actually extraordinarily important.
00:45:03.300And it's certainly the thing that dominates the thoughts of the majority of women as they approach their 30s.
00:45:08.900It's all cultural noise to the contrary.
00:45:12.860So, it's something we're still puzzling out.
00:45:15.600And I suppose I'm still puzzling it out, too.
00:45:17.580I mean, with my daughter, I tried to encourage her to be as sharp and as intelligent and critically minded and ambitious as she could be.
00:45:27.940But also, to let her know that, and she was always interested in having kids,
00:45:35.860but to also let her know that having a family is an extremely important thing.
00:51:20.580Now, whether that's synchronicity or whether it's the attempt by the collective imagination of human beings to align everything under a single truth,
00:57:17.980And certainly my experience has been that the response to my improved wardrobe has indicated that the investment was clearly worth it, indisputably and clearly worth it.
00:57:29.960And it's nice to be dressed sharply to go in front of an audience.
00:57:34.060It's a sign of respect to the audience.
00:57:36.240There's other ways of showing respect to an audience, but that's certainly one.
00:57:39.680And so it's been extraordinarily worthwhile.
00:57:41.720I would say if you're going for a job interview, if you're at any critical point in your life, then you should dress the part because you want to do everything you can to tip the scales, not in your favor exactly, but in favor of having the right thing happen.
00:57:57.180So you have written an article on how to write.
00:59:00.880And then basically I organize, say, a dozen stories around that.
00:59:05.360And I can kind of arrange them in it as a journey.
00:59:08.960And it's a journey that circles the main point.
00:59:12.420And so I'm trying to explore it to say what I think about courage, let's say, but to take what I'm thinking farther than I've taken it already.
00:59:20.880And so then I can plot out, you know, little five-minute stories that I have that are associated with courage.
00:59:48.540It's also very good to speak directly to the audience, to the individuals in the audience.
00:59:53.980Because I'm always looking at a single person, one after another, and focusing on them and talking to them, just like you'd have a conversation with someone.
01:00:02.480And that way I can see if they're following along.
01:00:04.800And I'm always listening to the audience.
01:00:07.780What I really like to hear from the audience is no noise at all, silence.
01:00:11.460Because if the audience, especially, you know, if it's a couple hundred or a couple of thousand people, if the audience is dead silent, then I know that I'm on the right track.
01:00:21.600And so, the other thing I would say is you're telling stories.
01:00:30.560So, every fact that you relate or every set of facts has to be tied to a story.
01:00:36.400There has to be a meaningful output, which is something like, why is it important to your life that you know this fact?
01:00:44.620How is it related to how you're going to conduct yourself moving forward or how you're going to see the world?
01:00:49.220So, that's kind of the essence of meaning.
01:00:51.560How does this fact change the way you perceive the world or act in the world?
01:02:03.600It's like a colloquy between the conscious mind and the unconscious source of inspiration.
01:02:08.740And the novel is actually a journey through a characterological landscape.
01:02:14.820And the author shouldn't know where he or she's going to end up at the beginning.
01:02:19.120Same with an artist who's writing a song or a piece of music or a piece of visual art.
01:02:26.300There has to be play and exploration along the way.
01:02:29.440And so, you also don't want to deliver an over-prepared talk, in my estimation, or at least that's not how I do it.
01:02:35.940You want to have a theme, you want to have a body of knowledge from which you can draw on, and then you want to be actively exploring the idea in front of the audience.
01:02:45.040And that's very gripping for everyone, including you.
01:02:47.960And you should learn something from the talk.
01:02:50.260It's an opportunity to think on your feet.
01:02:53.260And anyways, that's my style of lecturing.
01:02:55.660It's a trapeze act without a safety net, I would say.
01:03:01.120And that's part of what makes it gripping, is that there's a high probability of failure.
01:03:06.180And I would say with any performance that's going to be gripping, that on the edge of the seat gripping, there has to be a high probability of failure.
01:03:19.060And that's why I don't speak with notes.
01:03:21.780If you speak with notes, which you might have to if you're a beginning speaker, then you cannot fail, because you can always read the notes.
01:04:23.060And so, I have a central concern, or deeper than that, in some sense.
01:04:28.200My central concern was how to ensure, personally, that if I was tempted in a situation like the situations that arose in the Soviet Union and Nazi Germany,
01:04:39.900that I wouldn't fall prey to those totalitarian systems and act in the reprehensible manner that so many people acted in.
01:04:48.440And that's really been a driving concern of mine.
01:04:51.440And that bleeds over into the relationship between meaning and responsibility and perception.
01:04:56.200So, there's a core set of problems that I'm working on.
01:04:58.840And every talk is an attempt to further develop those.
01:05:01.920So, you also have to have a problem, you know.
01:05:06.460You think, well, you don't want to have a problem.