The Jordan B. Peterson Podcast


Family Conflicts, Difficult Children & Overcoming Resentment ｜ Answer The Call Ep. 2


Summary

In this episode, my dad and I answer a question from Danit in Vermont, who is struggling to navigate the world of early motherhood and dealing with the pressures of being a new mom. We also answer a call-in question from a woman who is dealing with a difficult situation with her younger brother, who recently came out to her family of origin.


Transcript

00:00:00.000 Pay attention to your resentment.
00:00:01.780 Determine whether that's you or the situation.
00:00:05.280 Sort out the issue.
00:00:06.700 Hand more responsibility to your kids.
00:00:09.260 Do not do anything for your children that they could do themselves.
00:00:13.700 The other possibility is that you're immature and you're not shouldering your responsibility properly.
00:00:18.500 Well, and I'm not accusing you of that at all.
00:00:22.100 Do an exhaustive inventory.
00:00:24.100 Here's all the reasons I'm guilty about being a mother.
00:00:27.040 The adversary is making his case.
00:00:29.200 Now you know what you're up against.
00:00:31.120 Next thing is, why might this be wrong?
00:00:33.880 I was way more intense than I was expecting.
00:00:35.960 The questions were very high quality and very deep and difficult.
00:00:39.860 This is where you make a decision of conscience and you decide whether you're going to stick to what you believe to be right, come hell or high water.
00:00:48.460 You have to decide what you're going to stake yourself on.
00:00:59.200 Hi, I'm Michaela Fuller, formerly Peterson.
00:01:05.380 You may wonder why I'm on my dad's YouTube channel.
00:01:08.360 Well, I'm thrilled to announce that given the response to our last call-in episode filmed in my studio and because we had a great time doing it.
00:01:15.840 I assume you had a great time doing it.
00:01:17.200 I had a great time doing it.
00:01:18.340 Okay, good.
00:01:19.460 We've decided to make this call-in thing a regular occurrence.
00:01:22.640 So I'll be joining my dad for our new show, Answer the Call, where we answer your questions live.
00:01:27.940 We're going to be covering a wide range of topics and we both hope this will be useful to a lot of people.
00:01:32.900 Today, we're focusing on early motherhood, which is incredibly special to me because I had a baby about a month ago, my third kiddo.
00:01:40.180 We have a great lineup of callers ready to share their questions today that hopefully apply to you guys as well.
00:01:45.480 Our first caller today is Danit in Vermont.
00:01:49.120 Danit, are you there?
00:01:51.020 Hi.
00:01:51.760 How are you doing?
00:01:53.060 I'm great.
00:01:53.920 How are you doing?
00:01:54.720 I hear you have a question.
00:01:56.660 I do have a question.
00:01:57.860 All right, fire away.
00:01:59.020 Yeah, yeah.
00:02:00.200 So I just gave birth to my first child three weeks ago and I have a very unusual challenge that has to do with my family of origin.
00:02:09.040 So last year, my little brother came out as a woman and he's 16 years younger than me.
00:02:17.000 So I kind of helped raise him.
00:02:19.180 So I really, really love him like he's my own.
00:02:21.680 And I'm the only one in the family that doesn't call him by his new name and pronouns.
00:02:26.280 And honestly, I don't really call him anything.
00:02:28.700 I just like use workarounds to not offend him or, you know, lie to him as per your advice.
00:02:37.040 So he thinks he's going to be called auntie and I'm not planning on lying to my daughter about gender.
00:02:44.960 So how do I tell him that he's going to be uncle without blowing up my relationship with him and maybe everybody in my family?
00:02:53.080 And how do I protect my daughter from her ideologically adult relatives?
00:02:58.940 Yes.
00:03:00.060 Wow.
00:03:00.640 Yeah.
00:03:02.200 Yeah.
00:03:02.760 I guess we're going to start out with an easy question, are we?
00:03:07.240 Okay.
00:03:07.760 Let me ask you a question.
00:03:09.860 Why have you decided to take the stance that you're taking?
00:03:13.020 Like you said that you love your brother and I'm not questioning that.
00:03:18.060 And, you know, an argument could be made and people will make this that if you loved him, you know, you would go along with what he is acting out.
00:03:28.440 But you've decided that you're not going to do that.
00:03:31.060 And so why have you done that?
00:03:32.580 My intuition and you, honestly.
00:03:37.140 Like I think I, you know, have been watching enough of your videos and everything that I am starting to see.
00:03:47.120 I'm starting to see things clearly.
00:03:50.540 And I don't think it's right.
00:03:52.660 I don't think what he's doing is right.
00:03:54.180 How do you know you're seeing things clearly?
00:03:57.980 Like what, what makes you inclined to believe that?
00:04:00.520 I think because it's the only thing that feels right.
00:04:05.560 I mean, I was, I think if you took who I was five or ten years ago and pasted it over this situation, I, I might still have the same reaction.
00:04:19.240 I might be a little more willing to just kind of go with it.
00:04:23.680 I think I'd be more willing to fall for the, you know, he's going to hurt himself if I don't refer.
00:04:29.680 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:04:30.440 That's nonsense.
00:04:31.620 That's, that's nonsense.
00:04:32.900 And okay, so let me, okay.
00:04:34.800 So let me address this issue now that you've told me that.
00:04:38.220 So what I would say to you is that the truth is a medium to long-term game, right?
00:04:48.640 So it, it's the best strategy because it falls in accordance with reality, but you can game reality in the short term, which is why people lie and why they go along with false consensus and why they try to gather things for themselves that they don't deserve.
00:05:10.340 But that doesn't work in the medium to long run.
00:05:14.180 It's a very bad strategy.
00:05:15.700 And so I would say that your best bet for maintaining your relationship with your brother over the long run, and that could be decades.
00:05:25.160 And what would also be in his best interest is to stick to the truth.
00:05:29.500 Now you're, you're going to pay a price for that in the short term, right?
00:05:33.960 You know, that the price is going to be the resistance you're going to get from everybody who's going along with them.
00:05:40.220 They'll be annoyed at you because your stance runs contrary to theirs and there'll be flack from him as well.
00:05:49.220 But this is where you make a decision of conscience and you decide whether you're going to stick to what you believe to be right, come hell or high water.
00:05:58.540 In the hopes that that's the best strategy, all things considered over the longest period of time, that that's what faith in the truth is.
00:06:08.700 So I could define it.
00:06:10.220 Faith in the truth is the belief that whatever happens when you tell the truth is the best thing that could happen, regardless of how it looks to you in the moment and maybe to others.
00:06:24.260 Now, the alternative would be faith in falsehood.
00:06:26.960 You could say, well, I'll go along with the illusion that'll make everyone happy and apparently, and it'll reduce conflict and that's the best pathway.
00:06:38.620 You don't have any evidence, so to speak, for either of those because you don't know how it's going to play out.
00:06:44.040 And so you have to decide what you're going to stake yourself on and then you have to pay the price.
00:06:50.340 You're going to pay a price of one form or another.
00:06:52.220 Yeah, Danit, can I take a stab at this?
00:06:56.580 Please, yeah.
00:06:57.200 Yeah, thank you so much for your call.
00:06:59.580 That's a heavy topic.
00:07:02.540 I think from my perspective, if that was happening to me, especially after having a baby,
00:07:06.920 your baby is so, so important that you want to get everything right because you're going to get a number of things wrong anyway, right?
00:07:15.400 And I think the political landscape is also changing enough that this might only be a problem for another year or two.
00:07:22.700 That's the hope anyway because I think people are realizing that that is a lie and that a bunch of people got brainwashed.
00:07:28.460 And so I think maybe, hopefully, the problems with your family would resolve because of the political changes in the next couple of years anyway.
00:07:38.640 But what should be your number one priority right now is teaching your daughter what's true and what's false.
00:07:44.020 And that is objectively not true and, unfortunately, it's confused a number of people, which is just heartbreaking and terrible.
00:07:55.540 And hopefully it'll resolve.
00:07:56.840 I think it's already resolving, which is the positive thing.
00:07:59.920 But going based on your intuition, especially as a new mom, it's so strong.
00:08:04.020 And so I think what you're doing is definitely the right thing, saying no to that.
00:08:11.680 It's a complicated decision, but I don't think you have an option.
00:08:14.580 It'll just destroy your soul otherwise.
00:08:16.320 A huge part of what's fallen apart in the last year is all the lies that the gender-affirming care advocates have put forward as scientific data.
00:08:27.260 Yeah, thank goodness.
00:08:28.020 The large-scale studies indicate with absolute clarity, as was inevitable, that there's no evidence whatsoever that gender-affirming care produces any improvement in any of the things it was supposed to magically cure.
00:08:41.640 Which is only to say that radical and often surgical and hormonal intervention in someone's life when they're depressed and anxious and confused.
00:08:51.300 And a teenager.
00:08:52.260 And a teenager.
00:08:53.440 Yeah.
00:08:53.660 Right, is somehow not helpful.
00:08:57.140 What a shock.
00:08:58.300 Yeah.
00:08:58.600 It's also ridiculous that this has happened with the mental health crisis that's been going on.
00:09:02.700 Like, what, one in five people have a mental illness?
00:09:05.900 How are you supposed to differentiate that from this trans phenomena?
00:09:09.840 Yeah, well, like you said, maybe we've run out the vast, what?
00:09:15.760 I think so.
00:09:16.340 We've run out the foolishness on this, or at least some of it.
00:09:18.880 We'll see.
00:09:19.720 Yep.
00:09:20.300 We'll see.
00:09:20.920 Yep, we'll see.
00:09:21.960 Right, right.
00:09:22.820 Just when you think things can't get any stupider, you know, they're likely to.
00:09:27.800 But yeah.
00:09:29.260 Yeah.
00:09:29.760 Well, good luck to her.
00:09:31.480 Yeah.
00:09:31.780 And that discussion of the truth was particularly relevant because it is important to understand that faith in the truth is a long-term game.
00:09:40.940 Yeah.
00:09:41.160 And it is soul-crushing if you don't say what's true.
00:09:45.200 Like, she's out of options, really.
00:09:47.120 What is she going to do?
00:09:47.960 Sacrifice her soul?
00:09:49.900 Like, that's what it feels like, I think, when you know you're lying or you don't say something.
00:09:55.180 It isn't just your soul either.
00:09:56.900 It would just.
00:09:59.360 You corrupt the social environment by going along with the lies, right?
00:10:04.860 That's why in the story of Abraham, you know, when Abraham is talking to the angels and to God about the potential destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, so the pathological city.
00:10:16.640 God agrees to save the city if there's 10 people who still walk the righteous path.
00:10:24.120 It starts with 50.
00:10:25.740 That's Abraham's first request.
00:10:27.640 And he bargains God down to 10.
00:10:29.660 There's this very specific meaning to that, and the meaning is that if the society in question that's headed for perdition and destruction at its own hands is still together enough to allow 10 people to say the truth, there's hope, right?
00:10:50.100 And so you're supposed to be one of those 10, right?
00:10:53.420 Well, you're going to pay for that, but you pay for everything.
00:10:56.360 So, like, what's the point?
00:10:57.560 I think I was really fortunate when I was a kid.
00:11:00.980 One of my favorite things that you taught me, probably because I'm disagreeable as well, was don't listen to stupid rules.
00:11:08.200 You taught me that when I was, I think I was in grade two, and that went haywire for a while as a kid trying to interpret what on earth does that mean?
00:11:15.220 But don't listen to stupid rules, but be aware that there are going to be consequences for not listening to those stupid rules.
00:11:22.980 Well, we told, that's exactly what we told you.
00:11:24.820 You said, look, you have, you can follow your conscience and oppose the stupid rule, but you have to pay the price for your opposition.
00:11:33.160 And what that was, was a recognition that a commitment to rebellion, let's say, without sacrifice is a lie.
00:11:44.060 Yeah, it's not going to be easy.
00:11:45.840 No, no.
00:11:46.940 If it's easy, maybe you're not on the rebellious side.
00:11:50.340 Well, it's easy if you get someone else to perform the sacrifice.
00:11:53.540 You know, that's what the activists do all the time.
00:11:58.560 Someone else has to change.
00:12:00.460 No, it's you that has to.
00:12:01.700 You have to pay.
00:12:03.900 Maybe you should.
00:12:05.200 And maybe there'll be a benefit to paying, but you have to pay.
00:12:09.560 You have to be willing to.
00:12:10.120 Yeah, yeah.
00:12:10.560 Well, that also stops you from doing it casually.
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00:12:30.960 And just like that, your HIPAA protection is worthless.
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00:13:24.620 Are you ready?
00:13:27.360 Ready.
00:13:28.400 Call number two.
00:13:29.160 Wow.
00:13:29.640 That was an intense one to come with.
00:13:30.780 Yeah, that's for sure.
00:13:31.260 Oh my gosh.
00:13:32.400 Okay.
00:13:33.060 Yeah.
00:13:33.380 A lot of people are facing this situation.
00:13:35.820 That's horrible.
00:13:36.340 Yeah.
00:13:36.500 Yeah.
00:13:36.760 A lot of people.
00:13:38.320 Up next, we've got McKay in Ohio on the line.
00:13:41.780 Hello, McKay.
00:13:43.220 Hi.
00:13:43.940 How are you doing?
00:13:47.080 Well, how are you?
00:13:48.440 Good.
00:13:49.140 Let's hear your question.
00:13:50.800 Yeah.
00:13:51.680 I have five kids.
00:13:53.740 I'm 26.
00:13:54.660 I have five kids.
00:13:55.740 Wow.
00:13:56.180 Good for you.
00:13:58.480 Good for you.
00:13:59.580 Two of those are foster.
00:14:01.200 Oh, yes.
00:14:02.520 Wow.
00:14:02.840 You're an ambitious creature.
00:14:05.380 Okay.
00:14:05.740 Two foster kids, three of your own kids?
00:14:08.840 Yeah.
00:14:09.560 Okay.
00:14:10.300 And my question is, what are some tangible ways to regulate your temper when dealing with
00:14:18.600 young, especially young kids and avoid feeling kind of resentful to them for the demands
00:14:26.100 they make on your time and attention?
00:14:28.400 Yeah.
00:14:28.600 That's a very good question.
00:14:30.340 Okay.
00:14:30.900 Are you married?
00:14:32.940 Yes.
00:14:33.520 Okay.
00:14:33.900 And okay.
00:14:34.720 I have a very specific reason for asking that.
00:14:37.100 So look, resentment is an extremely useful emotion.
00:14:42.140 Okay.
00:14:42.680 It's very dangerous.
00:14:43.720 And it's one of the three things that really hurt people.
00:14:47.720 Resentment, arrogance, and deceit are like the evil triad.
00:14:51.240 But resentment is extremely useful because it only means one of two things if you're experiencing
00:14:55.880 it.
00:14:56.480 One is that you are being taken advantage of and you have something to say and something
00:15:01.360 to sort out.
00:15:02.440 So that's one possibility.
00:15:03.840 The other possibility is that you're immature and you're not shouldering your responsibility
00:15:07.920 properly.
00:15:08.480 Well, and I'm not accusing you of that at all.
00:15:12.900 I'm just saying that that's what the emotion indicates.
00:15:16.500 Okay.
00:15:16.820 So now, then the question is, if you notice that you're resentful, which you should notice
00:15:21.760 and which is quite likely if you're an agreeable and self-sacrificing person, then you have
00:15:27.480 to think, okay, am I being irresponsible and immature or is too much being asked of me?
00:15:34.920 Okay.
00:15:35.520 Now, one way of figuring that out is to talk to your partner, your husband or your wife
00:15:40.380 and say, look, I noticed that under these circumstances, I feel resentful and I need to figure out if
00:15:47.460 I'm not standing up for myself enough and allowing myself to be taken advantage of, or if I'm, if I
00:15:55.340 have some residual irresponsibility and immaturity and I'm just, you know, trying to avoid my duty.
00:16:01.460 And that's a very hard thing to sort out, but really necessary.
00:16:05.420 And having a truthful dialogue with your husband, when that happens can be extremely useful.
00:16:12.700 Your goal should be to move forward without resentment.
00:16:18.220 Okay.
00:16:18.920 Now let's put that aside for a moment.
00:16:21.880 Now, the next issue would be, you know, how old are your kids?
00:16:26.360 So my biological ones are five, three, and one, and then the foster children are eight
00:16:35.080 and three.
00:16:36.220 Eight and?
00:16:37.520 And three also.
00:16:38.960 Eight and three.
00:16:39.340 Okay.
00:16:39.520 So you, so you have a handful, you know, there, you have a lot, you have a large number of
00:16:45.620 young children.
00:16:46.260 And so you are going to have a lot of demands on you.
00:16:49.960 Now, you, it's incumbent on you to organize your environment, the environment of your children,
00:16:58.120 the disciplinary environment, so that you aren't exhausted and harried.
00:17:03.840 And, and that's going to mean that you have to determine, likely with your husband and
00:17:10.520 with your children, just how much you can be asked to provide and give.
00:17:17.180 Now, if, you know, you might say, well, I should give everything to my children.
00:17:21.780 It's like, hey, fair enough.
00:17:23.060 But you have to give everything in a sustainable manner.
00:17:26.280 You can't give so much that you're exhausted and miserable and things degenerate, right?
00:17:32.260 That's just not helpful.
00:17:33.400 And you're going to have natural limits and the limits are being indicated by the resentment.
00:17:39.740 Okay.
00:17:40.440 So now what that might mean is that you're inadvertently doing too much for your kids, right?
00:17:48.780 You're not requiring them to pick up some of the load themselves.
00:17:53.900 The situation isn't sorted out optimally with your husband in terms of division of childcare.
00:18:00.300 You don't have enough help.
00:18:02.020 You're not doing enough for yourself.
00:18:04.760 Like any of those are possibilities and all of them should be investigated.
00:18:09.900 A good rule of thumb with regards to children and caretaking in general is do not do anything
00:18:17.320 for your children that they could do themselves.
00:18:21.440 Right?
00:18:21.920 Because there's a reason for that.
00:18:23.600 It's not cruel.
00:18:24.340 The reason for that is it's going to be better for everyone, including your children and certainly
00:18:29.540 you, if they become competent as rapidly as possible.
00:18:35.560 And the way that that happens is by handing them responsibility.
00:18:40.900 You know, even an 18-month-old can help set the table, right?
00:18:47.340 Everyone's got to pitch in, especially with that many young kids and the complexity of that
00:18:52.920 situation.
00:18:53.920 So, okay.
00:18:54.760 So let me just summarize that.
00:18:58.160 Pay attention to your resentment.
00:18:59.920 Make a goal of getting rid of it.
00:19:04.780 Determine whether that's you or the situation.
00:19:07.900 Now, I would assume that it's the situation first and you second, right?
00:19:12.480 So don't be down on yourself.
00:19:14.320 Talk to your husband when you get resentful and sort out the issue.
00:19:20.200 Hand more responsibility to your kids.
00:19:22.420 And work to attain a state where you're not giving more than you can.
00:19:31.020 You see, if you're resentful, it could easily be that you're doing too much for your kids
00:19:35.320 and that that emotion is a marker of that.
00:19:38.200 Well, I think also, just to step in there, five kids at those ages, especially with the
00:19:44.360 one and the three-year-olds, that is a lot.
00:19:47.280 It is.
00:19:47.740 It's a lot.
00:19:48.320 How sane person can handle that if they're doing 90% of the child care?
00:19:55.320 So if that's what's going on for you, that's not a problem with you.
00:19:59.800 Yeah.
00:20:00.120 Now, the resentment part, like I had some issues with resentment when I had my first baby
00:20:05.480 and I only had one baby, but I was at home all the time.
00:20:08.460 I didn't have any time for myself.
00:20:10.060 I was very sleep deprived.
00:20:11.560 And after a number of months, I wasn't resentful at the baby, but I was definitely resentful.
00:20:17.220 And I didn't, and I thought I wasn't trying hard enough.
00:20:21.140 That's kind of how it played out in my mind.
00:20:22.940 And that's not what was going on.
00:20:24.280 And that was with one kid, albeit the first kid is like, it's a lot for people.
00:20:29.340 But I mean, I would say that situation, I think primarily you probably need more help.
00:20:35.980 Yeah.
00:20:36.340 Like you need to talk to your husband and figure out how to get somebody there for like a couple
00:20:42.920 of hours a day to give you a breather.
00:20:45.560 Otherwise, I don't know how you're going to do it.
00:20:47.920 This isn't some will you can bring up, especially if you're sleep deprived and with five kids.
00:20:52.780 Like you need a family member to come in or you need to figure out how to get like two
00:20:59.040 hours a day to be by yourself or do something for yourself.
00:21:03.800 Even that would be helpful.
00:21:05.440 So I don't think it's a you thing, but you definitely need some communication with your
00:21:08.880 husband.
00:21:09.340 Like freak out a little bit.
00:21:10.600 Be like, this is a huge problem.
00:21:11.960 I don't want to be resentful.
00:21:13.140 I'm really tired.
00:21:14.540 Like I'm not enjoying myself.
00:21:16.240 I'm not the mom I could be if I had a couple of hours to myself.
00:21:19.860 And that's not fair to your kids either.
00:21:22.040 Yeah.
00:21:22.340 So.
00:21:23.260 Okay.
00:21:23.780 So the key wisdom in Michaela's comment is that because you're situate, because there
00:21:31.600 are a lot of demands on you and the demands are real, that the first analysis of your
00:21:37.580 situation should be situational, right?
00:21:40.680 Not enough sleep, not enough time for yourself, not enough help, just too much.
00:21:45.820 Now.
00:21:46.480 And so that's not a psychological problem.
00:21:48.920 That's a practical problem.
00:21:50.600 And so you should approach this and you and your husband should approach this as if it's
00:21:56.200 a practical problem first with the resentment as a marker for whether or not the problem has
00:22:01.860 been solved properly and you want to work to work to not be guilty about trying to rearrange
00:22:08.820 things so you're not resentful.
00:22:10.780 That will be very good for you.
00:22:12.260 It'll be very good for your kids.
00:22:13.500 It'll be very good for your husband.
00:22:14.640 There's nothing in that that isn't positive.
00:22:17.000 And so you're wise to address it.
00:22:19.440 And I'll just reiterate one more time.
00:22:23.140 Resentment is unbelievably useful if you use it properly because it's a marker for when things
00:22:30.640 are out of harmony.
00:22:32.780 So don't be guilty at all for fixing that.
00:22:35.840 You'll do everyone a great favor.
00:22:38.140 Good luck, McKay.
00:22:40.120 Thanks.
00:22:40.720 Thanks a lot for the question.
00:22:42.180 Yeah.
00:22:42.480 Thank you.
00:22:43.640 Oh, one thing I forgot to mention too.
00:22:46.600 Um, and I'm a huge proponent of this, obviously, but not feeding your kids sugar and eating whole
00:22:53.680 foods turns them from little psychos that are probably driving you crazy into much calmer
00:22:58.940 children.
00:22:59.320 So I don't know how anybody would deal with five kids who eat sugar all the time and not
00:23:07.800 be crazy themselves.
00:23:09.360 So that, that's the other thing I would probably mention is like change around their diet.
00:23:13.760 So they're not eating processed foods.
00:23:15.260 It makes so much difference.
00:23:17.480 It's crazy.
00:23:18.760 Yeah.
00:23:19.020 You're going to flatten out the insulin drops and spikes by doing that.
00:23:23.780 And the tantrum, the random screaming fits like Scarlett had zero of those.
00:23:29.120 George is this little, I like, I can't even imagine giving him sugar because I think he'd
00:23:34.360 be a complete monster because he's, he already like does what he wants and doesn't really listen.
00:23:40.260 Yeah.
00:23:40.520 And if you take one of those kids that's already pretty strong willed and then feed them a high
00:23:45.960 processed food, high sugar diet, there, there's, you can't even like discipline that out of
00:23:52.380 them very well.
00:23:53.200 You're magnifying the effect of their emotions by putting them in a state where they're, they're
00:24:00.380 having low blood sugar from insulin overproduction.
00:24:03.960 Yeah.
00:24:04.240 So that's definitely not good.
00:24:06.360 Yeah.
00:24:06.640 No, not do it at all.
00:24:07.360 No, a high carbohydrate, high sugar diet's a very bad idea.
00:24:11.220 Yeah.
00:24:11.420 And that would help a lot with just calmness overall in the household.
00:24:14.540 Yeah.
00:24:15.140 But also getting some help.
00:24:16.420 I think there's this like kind of traditional pushback, which is totally reasonable against
00:24:22.640 the hyper like boss, babe, what's the, what's the.
00:24:27.180 Career focus.
00:24:28.100 The career focus like woman.
00:24:29.480 So there's a pushback to traditional wives, but it's the traditional wife from the fifties,
00:24:35.440 which was like a decade period that after a war that I don't really know if that's particularly
00:24:41.720 replicable across time.
00:24:45.180 And so I think there are people, especially Gen Z people in the situation where they are
00:24:50.660 at home with a whole bunch of kids and are like, this is not doable.
00:24:54.340 And then this is what I've seen anyway.
00:24:56.680 And then the men are like, well, that's the woman's job because there's this push traditional
00:25:00.680 pushback, but it's not sustainable with no help.
00:25:04.060 There's a reason that human beings have the lifespan they have, right?
00:25:09.120 The reason we have the lifespan we have is because mothers need grandmothers like, or mothers
00:25:18.800 and fathers need grandparents.
00:25:20.800 Yeah.
00:25:21.320 So, so our species is set up so that raising children is actually a two generation job,
00:25:27.460 not a one generation job.
00:25:29.040 Right.
00:25:29.540 And so the idea that it can just, I would, I'm an advocate of the nuclear family, the
00:25:34.040 traditional nuclear family, but only as the minimal sustainable unit.
00:25:38.920 That doesn't mean it's optimal.
00:25:40.580 And when you have little kids, having someone else around to help is very useful and necessary
00:25:46.760 and you shouldn't be guilty about it.
00:25:48.580 And it's fine for the kids, especially if the additional people are, well, family members
00:25:53.420 help if they're not completely out of their mind, but also stable.
00:25:57.160 So, but the resentment discussion already has been very enlightening and practical because
00:26:03.360 it's the right marker.
00:26:04.840 How much help do you need?
00:26:06.080 Depends on how much work you have and how complicated the situation is.
00:26:11.100 What's the marker?
00:26:12.520 Well, if you're miserable, frustrated, and resentful, well, then maybe that's too much.
00:26:19.960 Right.
00:26:20.480 Maybe you're immature as well and you want to sort that out, right?
00:26:24.000 Because you can nurse your resentment.
00:26:27.400 That's what Cain does in the biblical story.
00:26:29.420 You can nurse your resentment and you can fall in love with it and you can let it dominate
00:26:34.060 your life.
00:26:34.580 And that's a super bad idea.
00:26:37.440 But by the same token, especially if you're agreeable, and so that's more of an issue with
00:26:42.060 women, especially child-oriented women, it's very easy for them to self-sacrifice themselves
00:26:47.360 into a state of resentment.
00:26:49.680 And that's toxic, terrible.
00:26:53.700 Yeah.
00:26:54.040 Yeah.
00:26:54.560 So, situational analysis before personality analysis.
00:26:58.720 Always, right?
00:26:59.960 One of the fundamental mistakes that people make when they're trying to assess each other's
00:27:03.300 behavior is to attribute to personality what's actually a consequence of situation.
00:27:09.320 There's something to know.
00:27:10.300 Well, that puts all the blame on them.
00:27:11.960 There's something wrong with you, obviously.
00:27:13.360 Well, it's also very simple.
00:27:15.780 Yeah.
00:27:16.120 The problem with the situational analysis is it's complex and it's a lot easier to collapse
00:27:20.220 it to a single variable.
00:27:21.580 You see this in couple disputes often.
00:27:23.580 It's like if there's tension in the household, it's easy for the husband or the wife to assume
00:27:30.360 that it's the personality fault of their partner.
00:27:33.180 It's like the probability that there are faults is quite high on both sides and maybe you should
00:27:38.780 look to your own damn faults first.
00:27:40.700 But one of the practical ways out of this is to learn before we go at each other, let's look at what
00:27:48.860 might be contributing to this situationally, right?
00:27:52.300 And that's kind of like the presumption of innocence.
00:27:55.140 Yeah.
00:27:55.760 It's really useful.
00:27:56.840 You have to learn that because it's a very strong human proclivity to go to attribute to personality.
00:28:03.980 So you don't have to say, this is what's wrong with you and you were born with it.
00:28:08.700 You can say, this is what you're doing that's wrong.
00:28:11.320 Well, that's helpful too, to say what...
00:28:13.800 That was a joke.
00:28:14.580 I don't know if that would, that wouldn't like smooth out an argument at all, but...
00:28:17.920 It smooths it out somewhat because it makes it more situational than temperamental.
00:28:23.260 But I wouldn't even say, this is what you're doing.
00:28:26.160 I would say, this is how we are reacting to the situation at hand.
00:28:30.580 That you've caused.
00:28:31.300 Okay, next question.
00:28:34.200 Okay, next question.
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00:30:53.420 Now we're going to Kate in Connecticut.
00:30:58.140 Hello, Kate.
00:30:59.800 Hello.
00:31:00.800 How are you doing?
00:31:01.980 I'm good.
00:31:02.640 How about yourself?
00:31:03.580 Good, good.
00:31:04.340 So tell me about your situation and ask me your question.
00:31:10.800 Sure.
00:31:11.180 So I currently have split custody of my nine-year-old son and my husband and I are currently expecting
00:31:19.040 I'm 34 weeks pregnant and I am grappling with the prospect of leaving my newfound career
00:31:26.100 that I enjoy to become a stay-at-home mom, which is daunting.
00:31:29.900 I'm planning on homeschooling my children.
00:31:31.920 I was previously fired from what I thought was my dream job at a prestigious art museum
00:31:37.400 for questioning DEI policies and that led me to what I realized is more akin to my dream
00:31:43.060 career, but staying at home raising the children is my true dream job.
00:31:47.780 So I was wondering how I navigate this transition in my life and be the best spouse, parent, teacher
00:31:55.060 for my children while also planning for the future of my family.
00:31:58.580 I have a program called Future Authoring at selfauthoring.com that helps people develop
00:32:05.060 a vision for five years.
00:32:07.320 It's very inexpensive and it's very nicely laid out and it will really help you.
00:32:13.540 And I'll tell you why it will help.
00:32:16.760 First of all, it doesn't take that much time to do given its benefits.
00:32:21.980 So it's very efficient.
00:32:23.120 But what it asks you to do, and this is what you need to do in the situation that you're
00:32:27.000 describing, is to look five years down the road, okay, and to make the assumption that
00:32:32.540 you could have what you want and you need if you were taking care of yourself properly,
00:32:39.280 if you specify it.
00:32:41.460 And then it asks you to write out a vision for that that's kind of general, like what
00:32:46.960 could your life be?
00:32:47.880 What would your life be like if you had what you needed and wanted?
00:32:50.480 And you fleshed that out to some degree in our discussion already.
00:32:53.160 And then it asks you very specific questions and helps you strategize.
00:32:58.140 So the questions would be, what would you want in your family?
00:33:03.300 What would you want from your friends?
00:33:05.140 What would you want from your career?
00:33:07.000 How would you continue to educate yourself?
00:33:09.240 How would you take care of yourself physically and mentally?
00:33:11.920 How would you contribute to the community?
00:33:15.140 How would you avoid the kinds of temptations that often destroy people, drug and alcohol
00:33:20.320 abuse, sexual misbehavior, that sort of thing.
00:33:22.680 So it differentiates it.
00:33:24.540 And so, see, the reason it would be useful for you to do that is because you're making,
00:33:29.900 as you pointed out, a radical shift in identity, okay?
00:33:34.040 And that leaves a period of chaos, right?
00:33:37.140 The chaos is, well, who am I?
00:33:39.560 And what am I doing?
00:33:40.680 Where am I going?
00:33:41.720 And you need an answer to that.
00:33:44.340 If you have an answer to that, even if it's a provisional answer, because it will be,
00:33:49.160 because you'll have to learn as you go.
00:33:51.740 If you even have a provisional answer to that, you will be less anxious, because anxiety emerges
00:33:57.660 in consequence of chaos.
00:33:59.440 And you'll be more motivated, because you'll be working towards something that you truly
00:34:03.480 believe in.
00:34:04.080 So, it's not surprising.
00:34:07.360 Now, and you are making a dramatic shift, and so it's not surprising that you have concerns
00:34:12.360 about it.
00:34:12.860 That's, of course you do, because you've thrown everything up in the air.
00:34:16.520 And you've also pointed out something that's making your life even more complicated, which
00:34:20.620 is that you had a social role that you found meaningful, and you ran headlong into ideological
00:34:29.100 tyranny, and it blew up your life.
00:34:33.840 And so, now I suspect that that also has something to do with your decision to stay home and school
00:34:39.760 your kids.
00:34:41.160 Yes, it does.
00:34:41.660 Okay, well, right.
00:34:42.560 So, that adds an additional level of complexity.
00:34:44.740 So, what are you envisioning protecting them against the, what, the ideological onslaught
00:34:52.020 that's characteristic of the school system?
00:34:54.280 Like, how does that enter into it?
00:34:56.720 That's definitely a concern, is making them aware that there are these things out there,
00:35:01.700 but there are these ideologies that they could get sucked into, and how do they educate
00:35:09.900 themselves as well?
00:35:11.660 Yeah, yeah.
00:35:12.660 Okay, now, you implied that the job you had was a very good job, and my suspicions are
00:35:20.920 you wouldn't have thought that if you weren't good at it.
00:35:23.360 Is that reasonable to say?
00:35:25.520 I would say so.
00:35:26.380 Okay.
00:35:27.000 So, then, take that professional attitude that you used in your job, and put it to work
00:35:32.800 in this plan that you have now.
00:35:35.900 Now, what you're going to find, if you're a person of competence and commitment, is that
00:35:42.420 you'll start working for your children, but that will morph into something that's career
00:35:49.600 related way faster than you think.
00:35:51.820 Because you're already wired that way, and you have a proclivity for that.
00:35:55.740 And so, if you put everything that you have to offer on the professional front into this
00:36:03.760 plan, you'll solve your profession problem, too.
00:36:08.860 Not in ways you necessarily predict.
00:36:11.080 Partly because there are a lot of women out there, a lot of families who are facing the
00:36:14.660 same issue you are, and they're trying to find their way.
00:36:17.220 And if you figure out how to do that, you'll have a marketable, that'll be a marketable
00:36:24.680 solution very quickly.
00:36:26.960 So, try the future authoring program.
00:36:30.220 And I would say, you can do a bad job of it, right?
00:36:34.600 Don't assume you're going to get it right.
00:36:37.000 Because you don't know enough about the future to get it right.
00:36:39.620 But you can lay out a map, and then you can adjust it as need be as you move towards it.
00:36:46.100 That'll help a lot.
00:36:47.520 It'll help with anxiety, and it'll help with motivation.
00:36:50.260 And so, the goal is to write it to the point where you think, I would really like to work
00:36:57.320 towards all those goals.
00:36:58.660 Like, it's a dialogue with yourself, right?
00:37:00.920 So, don't force yourself.
00:37:02.920 Don't convince yourself.
00:37:05.360 Ask yourself.
00:37:06.380 You get to have what you want, but you have to figure out what that is.
00:37:11.320 You have to admit to it, and then you have to work toward it.
00:37:14.320 And that's a process that involves humility and openness to revelation, and then some
00:37:20.780 critical thinking.
00:37:21.920 And, you know, discuss it with people that you love.
00:37:25.620 Once you flesh it out.
00:37:28.460 Do you think my husband should do it as well?
00:37:30.140 Um, I, it's a very useful thing for people to do, period.
00:37:37.500 It's particularly useful in a state of transition.
00:37:40.740 The most productive way of approaching it would be for him to do his, for you to do yours, for
00:37:47.940 you to swap, to see where it matches, to see where there's discordance, and then where
00:37:54.980 there's discordance, see if you can jointly produce a plan that's better than either of
00:38:01.360 your individual plans, right?
00:38:03.420 That's the right attitude to have towards.
00:38:05.260 It's like, let's say you want A and he wants B.
00:38:08.180 One way of approaching that is, well, you compromise and you pursue B, or he compromises
00:38:13.080 and you pursue A.
00:38:14.180 That's the wrong way to approach it.
00:38:15.920 The right way to approach it is to think, well, we're a couple, and one of the advantages
00:38:20.240 is we have twice the brain power.
00:38:22.500 Let's see if we can put our heads together and make a better plan so that we both get
00:38:27.080 more than we had hoped for from the original plan.
00:38:30.680 And you can do that.
00:38:31.980 Like, that's a great way of conceptualizing the negotiation frame within a marriage.
00:38:37.440 You know, because you could come and say, I want this, and he can come and say, I want
00:38:40.980 this, and then you could fight or compromise or tyrannize each other or turn into slaves, or you
00:38:47.100 could say, let's do something creative here and see if we can put our heads together and
00:38:52.500 figure out how we can both get more than we wanted, right?
00:38:56.400 And that's, you can do that.
00:38:57.800 Like, the world's full of possibility.
00:38:59.640 There are ways of solving problems that way, and that's not compromise.
00:39:03.380 That's the production of a joint vision that you're both thrilled with.
00:39:08.160 And that's worth some, you know, that's worth some strenuous discussion.
00:39:14.600 But structuring that way, both of you write your plans, swap, and be patient and assume
00:39:20.300 that it's going to, you know, you're going to work it out over time.
00:39:22.500 It's a complicated thing to map the next five years.
00:39:25.780 It's not going to be without discussion and discovery and conflict.
00:39:30.740 But man, if you can get it right, the benefits will roll in.
00:39:35.880 Yeah, just in regards to mapping out plans.
00:39:39.060 So I think from you talking about future authoring when I was a kid and everything, every year
00:39:44.180 I've done these, like, year-long plans to try and figure out what do I want to accomplish
00:39:48.780 by next December.
00:39:51.480 And I usually shoot as high as I can, so I miss a number of them.
00:39:56.200 But then it's something to aim for.
00:39:58.240 Even if you don't revisit those plans, you can accomplish a lot of it just by setting the
00:40:03.200 goals, which I think is how people who say manifestation works, like, that's what they're
00:40:08.700 doing is making a goal and they're just, yeah, aiming reality to that goal.
00:40:13.340 Well, look, this is how your perceptual systems work.
00:40:16.160 This is an unbelievably crucial realization.
00:40:18.620 So the world you see is the pathway to your aim.
00:40:25.980 You might not even know that.
00:40:27.800 Okay, well then.
00:40:29.000 That's a crazy thing.
00:40:30.320 It's crazy.
00:40:30.820 People need to, like, think, seriously think about that.
00:40:34.360 Yeah.
00:40:34.920 You know, because this, the people, I don't, you know, I think there's a lot of frauds
00:40:39.020 online talking about manifestation or, like, these kind of woo-woo things.
00:40:42.220 Yeah.
00:40:42.420 But there really is something to aiming at something because the opportunities that pop
00:40:48.680 up that you notice guide you in that direction.
00:40:51.380 It's crazy.
00:40:52.620 You say it so casually though, you're like.
00:40:54.400 But it's literally the case.
00:40:56.440 Yeah.
00:40:56.560 Like, so it, it, all you have to do is think about how you navigate.
00:40:59.780 Like, your eyes face forward so you can see where you're going.
00:41:04.800 Okay, so how do you see when you look at the world?
00:41:07.920 You look at where you're going.
00:41:09.960 Okay.
00:41:10.340 Okay, what then do you see?
00:41:13.040 The pathway forward.
00:41:15.380 Things that get in the way.
00:41:17.120 Things that help.
00:41:18.500 Friends.
00:41:19.600 Those are people that help.
00:41:21.320 Foes.
00:41:22.080 Those are people that get in the way.
00:41:23.740 The other element, which I think is remarkably comical, is you also see agents of magical
00:41:28.940 transformation.
00:41:30.200 Those are like the dwarves and elves and wizards in fairy tales.
00:41:34.340 Why magic?
00:41:35.920 Because they change your aim.
00:41:38.220 So they're from another world.
00:41:40.340 And that's their magic.
00:41:42.620 And so that's the, that's the landscape of perception.
00:41:45.120 And so you, you structure that landscape of perception optimally when you aim at the stars.
00:41:54.300 Right?
00:41:54.960 This is, there's nothing the least bit.
00:41:57.620 Well, there's everything and nothing mystical about that.
00:42:00.560 Right?
00:42:00.980 It's practical as you can possibly be.
00:42:03.220 And that's actually how the world works.
00:42:05.780 Agreed.
00:42:06.380 Yep.
00:42:07.000 This is why people online tell you you're nuts though.
00:42:09.360 Yeah.
00:42:09.700 Yeah.
00:42:09.960 Well.
00:42:10.200 Agents of magical transformation.
00:42:11.980 Like, okay, Dr. Peterson.
00:42:13.540 Yeah.
00:42:13.720 Yeah.
00:42:14.000 Wait till you encounter one.
00:42:15.580 I know.
00:42:16.040 Especially.
00:42:16.360 Yeah.
00:42:16.540 Well, you have to notice.
00:42:17.540 Especially a dark one.
00:42:19.680 Right.
00:42:20.700 Yikes.
00:42:21.300 That's what causes trauma.
00:42:23.380 Yeah.
00:42:23.680 I've experienced enough of those.
00:42:24.880 We don't have to get into that.
00:42:25.980 Yeah.
00:42:26.260 Yeah.
00:42:26.660 Okay.
00:42:27.200 Dark magic that.
00:42:28.580 Yeah.
00:42:29.460 All right.
00:42:30.420 Up next, Naomi from Texas.
00:42:32.760 You're on the line now.
00:42:34.860 Hello, Naomi.
00:42:36.160 So tell, tell me a little about your situation and then ask your question.
00:42:41.560 I am a mother of two young toddlers, a three-year-old, 18-month-old, and I'm excited to have more
00:42:47.340 children in the future, but I feel like mothering shows me the worst parts of me, which is something
00:42:56.020 I didn't recognize before becoming a mom.
00:42:59.300 And it leaves me feeling guilty quite often.
00:43:02.340 And so I wondered how you don't hate yourself when you're going through the process of parenting.
00:43:10.280 How do you not hate that?
00:43:11.700 Okay.
00:43:12.040 So let's do a situational analysis of that first.
00:43:17.380 Okay.
00:43:17.900 So first of all, you're right, because obviously the worst part of you is going to emerge when
00:43:24.860 you're dealing with utterly dependent creatures who want something from you all the time and
00:43:31.040 need it.
00:43:31.640 Right.
00:43:32.420 So any flaws that you have are going to, man, they're going to come out.
00:43:36.200 Oh, your parents' flaws.
00:43:37.420 Well, oh yeah.
00:43:38.340 That freaked me out.
00:43:39.180 Oh, definitely.
00:43:39.800 I was like, oh, I just did the thing my mom, I hate that my mom did when I was a kid.
00:43:43.520 Oh no.
00:43:44.460 Oh yeah, definitely.
00:43:45.100 Oh my gosh.
00:43:45.760 Oh, definitely.
00:43:46.320 No offense to my mom.
00:43:47.280 Yeah, yeah.
00:43:47.860 So, so of course, of course.
00:43:49.840 And then you, you, okay.
00:43:51.300 So now, now having said that, well, then you think, um, make sure that you're not down on
00:44:01.160 yourself unreasonably because you're overtired or stressed or not taking care of yourself
00:44:10.060 or hungry.
00:44:10.720 So one of the things you want to watch is to see whether your guilt is exaggerated when
00:44:19.880 you're under too much duress.
00:44:22.380 Okay.
00:44:22.820 Because that's likely.
00:44:23.740 Then the next thing you might ask yourself is, it's fine to be self-critical, but not
00:44:29.860 too much.
00:44:30.480 So you might have a conscience that's a little on the, you know, demanding side and that has
00:44:35.900 to be rectified.
00:44:37.080 But I would also encourage you to, you could, you could write down, this would be helpful.
00:44:45.480 You could write down everything that makes you a good mother.
00:44:50.020 You know, so here, here's a rule of thumb.
00:44:52.820 It, it's instantiated in the law miraculously because it is a miracle that this is the case.
00:44:59.220 So the rule is innocent before proven guilty.
00:45:05.180 And you have to be proven guilty beyond a shadow of a doubt.
00:45:08.220 Now, so the first thing you might understand is that just because you accuse yourself doesn't
00:45:14.960 mean you're right.
00:45:16.600 So I'm doing like my own jury against me.
00:45:20.160 You're definitely doing that.
00:45:21.800 Probably the harshest jury.
00:45:23.700 So, so yeah, exactly.
00:45:24.820 So many people are their own worst judge and jury.
00:45:30.100 Many people, you know, like a narcissist is someone who never thinks they're wrong.
00:45:35.600 The typical person, the typical good person is much more likely to err in the other direction,
00:45:41.800 which is to persecute themselves more than they would persecute someone that they loved,
00:45:46.720 for example.
00:45:47.860 So one of the things you could do that you might find extremely useful is write down every
00:45:53.960 accusation that you levy against yourself and then write out a defense.
00:46:00.820 Like imagine that you're, and maybe you have to do that as if you're doing it on behalf
00:46:05.840 of someone that you love.
00:46:07.100 Like imagine that you're not defending you, you're defending your sister, you're defending
00:46:11.140 your best friend or your husband, because that'll put you in the right frame of mind.
00:46:15.000 Now that doesn't mean the defense is correct or that the accusation has no merit, but what
00:46:23.340 it does allow for is that you get to have a defense.
00:46:27.140 Now you may find, likely you will find that when you do that, some of the accusations will
00:46:35.260 stick.
00:46:36.740 Many of them won't, some of them will.
00:46:39.100 Well, fix those, you know, with minimal force, but you need to know what you're doing that's
00:46:48.120 good and you need to give yourself credit for that and you need to reward yourself for that
00:46:53.560 and you need to develop a defense for yourself.
00:46:57.060 Now, people who have more of a proclivity to negative emotion, which is a feminine tendency,
00:47:04.620 there are people who are also more susceptible to depression and anxiety.
00:47:08.320 And if you fall in that category, which makes you kind of a sensitive alarm system and which
00:47:14.700 is something that has utility in looking out for threats for children, for example, if you
00:47:21.440 have that proclivity, you're going to suffer more than is strictly useful from recognition
00:47:27.880 of your own faults.
00:47:30.940 And so that's particularly, that is a tendency that makes this ability to defend yourself
00:47:39.880 particularly useful.
00:47:43.160 So do an exhaustive inventory.
00:47:46.340 Here's all the reasons I'm guilty about being a mother.
00:47:49.280 Maybe there's 20 and these would be ones that recur, you know?
00:47:53.320 So now you've got the adversary, the adversary is making his case.
00:47:59.940 Okay.
00:48:00.640 So you, now you know what you're up against.
00:48:03.160 Next thing is, why is, why might this be wrong?
00:48:08.120 How could I best be defended?
00:48:10.220 That's a very useful exercise.
00:48:11.840 That's what a cognitive behavioral therapist would do if they were assessing and helping
00:48:19.700 you restructure your, your kind of automatic assumptions.
00:48:26.500 So, you know, give yourself some credit.
00:48:29.640 You've got two kids.
00:48:30.680 You want more.
00:48:31.640 You're obviously committed to being a mother.
00:48:33.780 You're not going to be perfect.
00:48:35.380 And you don't have to be.
00:48:37.260 Like one of the things that you want to model for your children is error, recognition of
00:48:43.240 error, rectification of error, and persistence.
00:48:47.680 Like if the rule is that you can only be loved when you're perfect, well.
00:48:52.920 That's not going to work.
00:48:54.520 No, and it's not something that your kids, you don't want to have your kids observe that.
00:49:01.320 No one will love me unless I'm perfect.
00:49:05.060 Part of perfect is improving.
00:49:08.420 So, go ahead.
00:49:10.840 I would also say, just to wrap this question up, I don't know any mom that doesn't have
00:49:15.680 mom guilt.
00:49:16.200 Yeah.
00:49:16.740 It's horrible.
00:49:18.540 And it just exists.
00:49:20.540 And I don't know, like your ideas are amazing.
00:49:25.260 I don't even know if that'll fix the mom guilt thing.
00:49:28.160 I think it's hormonal.
00:49:29.180 And it's just, it doesn't matter what you do.
00:49:32.120 You could be doing better.
00:49:33.640 And it's probably to keep your kids healthy and safe and things.
00:49:36.180 But it's like, it doesn't matter if you have one of those days where everything goes well
00:49:40.200 and you spend all your time with your kids and you get your sleep, things could still
00:49:46.520 be improved somehow.
00:49:48.260 And so, I don't think, I think you kind of have to just deal with the mom guilt, have
00:49:52.720 more kids.
00:49:53.240 You know what I found actually?
00:49:54.580 So, I just had my third.
00:49:57.200 Congratulations.
00:49:58.040 Thank you.
00:49:59.100 And there's something about the third baby.
00:50:02.080 And I've talked to a bunch of moms that have had three babies.
00:50:04.140 There's something about the third baby where you have one baby and you're like, okay, I
00:50:07.460 have to devote all my energy to this one baby.
00:50:09.420 Then you have two and you're like, well, I'm going to do the same thing I did with number
00:50:12.800 one with two kids.
00:50:14.500 But you don't have the same amount of time.
00:50:16.220 So, then you're just not living up to what you did with the first kid.
00:50:19.380 So, that's a problem.
00:50:20.540 And by the time you have three, you just give up.
00:50:23.820 You're like, you know what?
00:50:24.880 No one's getting enough attention.
00:50:26.040 And I guess that's how it's going to be if I have multiple children.
00:50:30.100 And it's just like this weight goes away.
00:50:32.360 So, when you see those women that have multiple children, like three or four or five children,
00:50:38.520 and you're like, how on earth can you do that?
00:50:40.260 Or do you have enough time for each kid?
00:50:41.860 They don't.
00:50:43.580 But it's okay because they do.
00:50:46.340 Like, it's enough time.
00:50:47.900 So, you're probably just holding yourself to a standard that's too high.
00:50:51.280 And I feel like another baby might fix that.
00:50:53.740 It did for me.
00:50:54.800 I was like, well, they're fine.
00:50:56.140 The first one survived.
00:50:57.080 The second one's doing well.
00:50:58.700 They also take care of each other more if you set that up properly.
00:51:02.560 So, you know, it is easier in many ways with more kids because they amuse each other then.
00:51:08.320 And they should be encouraged to do that.
00:51:10.020 But, you know, it could ease.
00:51:12.320 Michaela's comments are that you have an impossible, your job, it's impossible for you to do your job perfectly, but you have to.
00:51:19.840 Well, of course you're going to be guilty.
00:51:22.900 Okay.
00:51:23.740 And that guilt is part of that protective instinct.
00:51:27.880 I have to do this right.
00:51:29.380 Well, of course you have to do it right.
00:51:31.200 But you also have to be defended against that guilt becoming pathological and burdensome.
00:51:37.280 And this, so defend yourself, right?
00:51:41.300 Assume innocence to begin with and work out a defense for all of the accusations.
00:51:47.880 Yeah.
00:51:48.420 And that'll help.
00:51:49.260 That'll help.
00:51:49.960 And then if you think you've got some things to improve, well, of course you do.
00:51:53.380 And you can negotiate a pathway to that, like with a vision and in conversation with your husband.
00:52:02.040 So, or someone close to you.
00:52:04.620 And, yeah.
00:52:05.860 You're probably doing fine.
00:52:07.280 Yeah.
00:52:08.300 Thank you both so much.
00:52:10.740 Okay.
00:52:11.440 Our last caller today.
00:52:13.460 Well, that's been fun.
00:52:15.000 Yeah, I think.
00:52:15.820 I've enjoyed this a lot.
00:52:16.560 Yeah.
00:52:17.140 And mom guilt is real.
00:52:18.220 I don't know what you can do about it.
00:52:20.360 And I think the more conscientious you are, the worse it is.
00:52:23.960 Yeah.
00:52:24.400 Well, conscientious people are guilt prone.
00:52:26.740 Yeah.
00:52:27.540 That's why activists can manipulate them.
00:52:30.520 Ah.
00:52:31.560 Psychopathic activists.
00:52:32.660 It's like, you might be doing something wrong.
00:52:34.420 Like, I am doing everything wrong.
00:52:36.380 Yeah.
00:52:38.680 Which one is it?
00:52:39.840 Yeah.
00:52:40.040 Yeah.
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00:54:29.900 Fun, Joe.
00:54:31.040 Pretty bad.
00:54:31.400 Yeah.
00:54:31.580 Our last caller today is Shauna in Missouri, who sent in a pre-recorded message.
00:54:42.360 Hi, Dr. Peterson.
00:54:43.940 My name is Shauna.
00:54:45.140 And my question is, it seems like mothers from Gen X or before were made of sterner stuff and handled lots of responsibilities really well.
00:54:56.180 And it seems like to me, I'm a wife, I'm a mom, I'm involved in our community, in our church pretty heavily.
00:55:02.840 And sometimes I feel like I have bitten off more than I can chew.
00:55:07.800 So my question is, how can I basically assimilate all this responsibility in a way that's not overwhelming?
00:55:17.100 And or what do we think is the secret sauce that older women understood that I may be missing now for how to juggle or manage all of the responsibilities that I have purposefully taken on, but that sometimes can seem overwhelming?
00:55:32.840 Thanks, and that's all.
00:55:34.540 Okay, so the first thing I would say is sometimes seems overwhelming isn't too bad.
00:55:41.040 And that's especially true if you have really little kids, because that's overwhelming.
00:55:48.740 The first year in particular is overwhelming, and anything you do on top of that is going to be additionally overwhelming.
00:55:55.020 So one of the things that you can understand is that the first year is going to be overwhelming, and that it will get progressively less overwhelming, but the first three years are pretty overwhelming.
00:56:07.880 And that's particularly the case if you have multiple children.
00:56:10.580 However, even though it seems like when you're in that, that that's been that way forever, and it's going to last forever, it doesn't.
00:56:19.120 And three years is not very long.
00:56:21.080 It's a weird thing, because when you have kids, it isn't very long until it seems like you've always had them, and it's always just going to be like it is with these little kids.
00:56:28.660 And that's just not true.
00:56:29.920 That flies by in a flash.
00:56:31.320 And so the first thing I would say is that your proclivity to feel overwhelmed is probably just accurate.
00:56:40.580 And the fact that it's only sometimes, it's like, well, congratulations, because, you know, if you were clinically depressed, for example, or had an anxiety condition, you would feel overwhelmed all the time, and it would be paralyzing.
00:56:53.520 And so the fact that it's, you know, phasic, that it's sometimes, I would just attribute that to situational issues.
00:56:59.260 Do you think that back in the day, so she was saying Gen X before that, do you think those mothers had more help from family?
00:57:10.100 Like, you see a lot of families now that have either moved to a different city, and they're the nuclear family, but they don't have any friends with kids.
00:57:17.060 There's no aunts and uncles.
00:57:18.360 There's no grandparents around.
00:57:19.880 So it's really just them raising their kids.
00:57:21.880 Do you think if you just look backwards, there was more help?
00:57:25.080 Because that might be what she's seeing.
00:57:27.180 Yes, I do think that.
00:57:28.400 But I think that one of the things that's happened, you know, I've talked to people like Jonathan Haidt about the free-range child idea.
00:57:35.620 Yeah.
00:57:35.940 Yeah, but the thing is, is that when I grew up, for example, or even when you grew up, but more particularly me.
00:57:43.220 Are you putting us in the same age group now?
00:57:45.560 Well.
00:57:45.920 Is this because I have three children?
00:57:47.260 Yeah, yeah, fundamentally.
00:57:49.440 Everyone between 30 and 70 is the same age.
00:57:52.520 Yeah.
00:57:52.800 Yeah, okay.
00:57:53.460 So there were networks of mothers that were the neighborhood.
00:58:00.060 Yeah.
00:58:00.280 Well, that's all gone.
00:58:01.480 I know.
00:58:01.800 And so it's a lot harder.
00:58:02.860 Like, it was easy to let your kids out on the street when every single person on the street knew who your kids were, or maybe everyone in a four-block radius.
00:58:10.800 Well, that's all gone.
00:58:12.560 That's all fractured.
00:58:13.800 And it's because it's one of the consequences of women entering the workforce en masse and staying there for a long time.
00:58:22.960 Now, I'm not down on women because of that.
00:58:25.800 I mean, it's really complicated because-
00:58:28.000 Grandparents are also missing.
00:58:29.120 Well, there's that too, and that's partly because people are mobile, right?
00:58:33.360 And they move to where the economic opportunities are.
00:58:36.060 So, I mean, what we did when we went to Boston, when we moved to Boston, your mom and I, is we developed a network of family, of friends, other people with little kids quite quickly.
00:58:49.880 And, you know, we babysat for each other, and your mom took care of kids from the neighborhood.
00:58:55.080 That was her job for a while.
00:58:57.140 Well, you have to, if you're overwhelmed, distributing the load is a worthwhile aim.
00:59:05.960 And you can certainly do that by sharing child care with friends.
00:59:10.960 Make some friends who have children.
00:59:13.120 Now, that often is difficult for people too.
00:59:15.820 When we were in Boston, we were the youngest people with the oldest kids that we knew.
00:59:21.980 And we didn't start having kids till, well, we were in our late 20s.
00:59:27.140 So, you know, you don't know how much the situation has changed.
00:59:31.660 And so, and were people before more resilient?
00:59:35.820 Probably not.
00:59:37.240 Well, maybe.
00:59:38.400 I'm not sure.
00:59:39.960 Torn on that.
00:59:41.960 It's very, very hard to say.
00:59:43.940 I think their expectations for comfort were probably much lower.
00:59:49.420 You know, like if I think of my grandmother, on my dad's side, Bernice.
00:59:54.920 Oh, you can't choose that as an example.
00:59:56.800 Well, you can to some degree.
00:59:58.900 I mean, she lived in a log cabin that was insulated with cardboard through the Saskatchewan winter.
01:00:07.840 Cooked for threshing crews, took care of multiple kids, worked as a cleaning woman for families in the neighborhood, and took care of a bunch of animals.
01:00:21.340 Plus, she split all the wood for the winter.
01:00:23.720 Like, her expectations for comfort were remarkably minimal.
01:00:29.480 And that is a form of resilience, you know.
01:00:32.300 Makes you a little mean, though.
01:00:34.040 Well, there might be a resentment that goes along with that, you know.
01:00:39.360 Ah, possibly.
01:00:41.060 So, I would be aware of comparing yourself negatively, generically, to, say, women in the past.
01:00:48.520 Like, the situations are very different.
01:00:51.700 If you're overwhelmed, well, first of all, you do a situational analysis.
01:00:55.780 Maybe it's expected that I'm overwhelmed because I have little kids.
01:00:59.720 And that's a three-year problem, fundamentally.
01:01:02.320 And so, just assume that, of course.
01:01:05.400 And then, look for help.
01:01:07.220 Yeah, help.
01:01:07.960 Help, help, help.
01:01:08.600 A lot of these people...
01:01:10.320 Trade help.
01:01:11.320 ...sounded like they're expecting too much of themselves and do need some help.
01:01:16.340 Yeah.
01:01:16.540 Which I know is tricky because most of the time you have to pay for help, but...
01:01:19.840 I'll close.
01:01:20.760 We can close with another biblical story.
01:01:22.480 So, when Moses is called upon by God to be a leader after he has the interaction with the burning bush, God says, okay, you're no longer now just a shepherd, which was already something useful to be.
01:01:37.000 You could take care of yourself.
01:01:38.060 You could fight off the wolves.
01:01:39.300 You could protect the innocent.
01:01:40.620 So, you're a good man.
01:01:41.880 Now, you're a leader.
01:01:42.580 Moses says, I can't be a leader because I can't speak.
01:01:46.360 And no one knows why, if he had a speech impediment or if he just wasn't very articulate or whatever.
01:01:51.920 It doesn't matter.
01:01:53.020 And God basically says two things, three things.
01:01:56.720 He says, it doesn't matter what your problem is.
01:01:59.520 You still have to do this.
01:02:00.720 So, like, that's your problem.
01:02:01.920 And then he says, and don't be thinking that I can't operate under those conditions because I made the heavens and the earth.
01:02:10.000 And so, your speech impediment just really doesn't disturb me much.
01:02:13.140 And then third, he says, and, like, couldn't you get some help?
01:02:17.400 Like, your brother, Aaron, he can speak.
01:02:21.180 Bring him along.
01:02:22.560 What does that mean?
01:02:23.220 There's more than enough for everybody to do, you know?
01:02:25.580 And you're not exactly asking for help when you reach out to other people.
01:02:29.780 You're trading help.
01:02:31.920 Right?
01:02:32.900 You're engaging in a...
01:02:35.120 Benjamin Franklin said this, for example, when you move into a new neighborhood.
01:02:38.560 He said, the first thing you should do is ask a neighbor for a small favor.
01:02:42.760 A cup of sugar.
01:02:44.880 Something trivial.
01:02:46.360 Why?
01:02:47.100 Well, because they've done something for you.
01:02:50.920 And you can get the trading game going.
01:02:54.160 And so, you're not asking for help.
01:02:56.980 You're developing a community where you can share resources.
01:03:01.920 And that's beneficial to everyone.
01:03:03.520 It's not a favor.
01:03:05.260 Churches are probably a good place for that.
01:03:07.220 Well, that's...
01:03:08.460 Yes.
01:03:08.880 You know, if you have no idea what to do.
01:03:10.480 Well, probably in...
01:03:11.900 Hypothetically and in reality.
01:03:14.500 Right.
01:03:15.120 Yes.
01:03:15.480 Go to church.
01:03:16.340 Find some young families.
01:03:18.160 And get the ball rolling.
01:03:20.660 You know, if you have a problem as a mother of kids of a certain age,
01:03:24.800 you can be certain that 80% of the mothers have the same problem.
01:03:29.840 Yeah.
01:03:30.140 Yeah.
01:03:30.480 Yeah.
01:03:30.720 So, that's...
01:03:32.580 There's absolutely no reason to assume you made this comment with the trad wife movement.
01:03:37.800 It's like, well, lone woman on the prairie taking care of six kids.
01:03:42.660 Well, no.
01:03:46.040 Right.
01:03:46.740 Community.
01:03:47.640 Yeah.
01:03:48.080 Right.
01:03:48.780 Right.
01:03:49.200 And with that, thank you so much for joining us today.
01:03:53.760 We'll be back with more episodes.
01:03:56.200 That was fun.
01:03:57.460 It was fun.
01:03:57.680 That was way more intense than I was expecting.
01:04:00.040 I was like, I can interject some things, but that was intense.
01:04:02.680 Yeah.
01:04:02.920 Well, the questions were very high quality and very thoughtful.
01:04:07.040 Yeah.
01:04:07.260 And very deep and difficult.
01:04:09.060 And so, yeah, that was good.
01:04:10.620 So, thanks very much to the people who participated.
01:04:13.640 Yeah.
01:04:13.840 They put a lot of thought into that.
01:04:15.480 And thank you to the people who did the screening for the questions as well.
01:04:18.700 The crew here, because that worked very well.
01:04:21.660 Well, we will be back with many other shows like this to answer all sorts of questions.
01:04:27.340 That's the plan, right?
01:04:28.480 We're going to do this on a regular basis and we'll do a bunch of it if it works.
01:04:32.920 Sounds like a plan.
01:04:33.900 Yeah.
01:04:34.320 Good.
01:04:34.800 Thank you to everyone watching and listening.
01:04:38.920 Do you have a question you'd like us to explore?
01:04:42.040 Share it with us at the link in the video's description.
01:04:45.060 And let's face life's challenges together.
01:04:48.700 We'll be right back.