The Matt Walsh Show - Deep Tweets by Matt Walsh - Season 1

Matt Walsh is a comedian, writer, podcaster, and podcaster. His work has been featured on Comedy Central, NPR, and the New York Times. He is married to a woman who is a pediatric neurologist, and they have a 7-year-old daughter named Sundance.

00:00:00.380 And now, Deep Tweets, by Matt Walsh.

00:00:08.900 Earlier I tweeted that emojis are for children and women and that grown adult men shouldn't use them.

00:00:14.520 I'm trending on Twitter now because many people are rightly angry about it.

00:00:18.440 I apologize.

00:00:20.000 I should have mentioned that emojis are also for illiterates.

00:00:23.320 Forgive my oversight.

00:00:30.000 My seven-year-old pan-gendered child, Sundance, just came right up to me and asked,

00:00:35.060 Matt, what happens if there's another January 6th?

00:00:37.980 Can our democracy survive?

00:00:39.980 I looked them right in the eyes and said, my child, it's already dead.

00:00:44.840 We just held each other and sobbed.

00:00:52.260 My pronouns are me and myself.

00:00:55.140 When you refer to me, you must say me, which means you'll be talking about yourself.

00:01:00.140 Because I identify as you and also me.

00:01:03.200 I identify as everyone.

00:01:04.940 Your identity has been collapsed into mine.

00:01:07.220 You must respect this or else you are transphobic.

00:01:15.480 Today my son drew in red marker all over his face, then got scared that we'd be mad,

00:01:20.060 so he tried to hide it by wrapping toilet paper around his head like a mummy.

00:01:23.700 Then he promptly ran into a wall and nearly knocked himself unconscious.

00:01:26.920 Update, I'm told that his sister came up with a toilet paper solution.

00:01:31.340 Now it's all starting to make sense.

00:01:33.460 Update, I dropped a very clever, you must be red in the face about this joke, but no one left.

00:01:38.600 I would like to sincerely apologize for the reckless comments that got me suspended.

00:01:48.700 I now realize that biology doesn't exist, science is a myth, men are women, women are men, 1.00

00:01:54.840 penises are vaginas, and vaginas are penises. 1.00

00:01:57.740 It all makes sense to me now. 1.00

00:01:59.560 I regret the error.

00:02:00.520 Parenting young children is just shouting,

00:02:08.900 where are your shoes, over and over again, into a void,

00:02:12.640 until the words seem to lose all meaning.

00:02:20.240 The government literally admitted that we're being invaded by space aliens today,

00:02:24.560 and you people don't even care.

00:02:26.000 Well, they may not have admitted it exactly,

00:02:29.320 but I choose to interpret the events in this way and live my truth.

00:02:38.620 Announcement.

00:02:39.420 I didn't do it for the accolades,

00:02:41.160 but if anyone does want to nominate me for a Nobel Peace Prize

00:02:43.900 in recognition of my philanthropic endeavors,

00:02:46.280 I will not turn down the award.

00:02:47.780 Look, sometimes kids grab steak knives and stab other kids in the driveway.

00:02:56.840 We've all been there.

00:02:57.680 Just innocent kid stuff.

00:02:59.320 Can't believe the cops had to get involved at all.

00:03:01.220 Let kids be kids.

00:03:07.840 My son told me that a kid was teasing him by rhyming his name in insulting ways.

00:03:12.840 I asked him the other kid's name and gave him some ideas for rhymes he could use against him.

00:03:17.780 My wife does not agree with my parenting strategy,

00:03:20.280 but I feel that name rhyming in self-defense is ethical.

00:03:22.660 I am able to see him from my former mom.

00:03:24.300 Thank you.

The Matt Walsh Show - November 26, 2022

Deep Tweets by Matt Walsh - Season 1

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