A 23-year-old Christian woman writes in to ask if monogamy is "unnatural" and if it's possible to be open and monogamous in a healthy, monogamous relationship. Is open relationships more possible than monogamy?
00:00:00.000Well, since it's Friday, I thought that it could be fun to reach into the mailbag. Not a literal mailbag, I wish. I wish I had just had a bag of mail with envelopes that I could reach into. But no, metaphorical mailbag and tackle a subject that was suggested to me via email.
00:00:17.340And by the way, I always enjoy these kinds of emails. So anytime there's a topic that you'd like me to hear me babble about and I haven't babbled about before, you can always suggest it. It also does my job for me by providing me with content. So I really appreciate that as well. All right. So here is the email. It says, Hi, Matt. First of all, huge fan. I'm going because of my incredible humility. I will skip the first paragraph that compliments me. And I'll go to the next one.
00:00:45.500As a 23-year-old Christian girl, getting married and starting a family of my own is something I'm really looking forward to in life. However, recently I've heard and read so many things about how it's unnatural for men to be monogamous. I even watched a Netflix documentary about why monogamy is not meant for humans, specifically men. I'd like to say that these studies don't bother me, but I'd be lying. Like most millennials, my biggest fear is a failed marriage. And this is just fuel to the fire.
00:01:12.940Anyway, I would love to hear your take on this matter.
00:01:17.080So monogamy is unnatural is the subject. This obviously is an increasingly popular idea. And it's something that rather frequently you'll see passed around on social media. You'll see an article being passed around claiming that monogamy is unnatural, that monogamous relationships are doomed to failure, that being polyamorous is
00:01:42.300is the more enlightened choice. In fact, I saw an article on Facebook recently that I guess was related to a new show on the BBC about a couple who are seeking to save their marriage by having an open relationship, that is by cheating on each other consensually.
00:01:57.440And the article is promoting the idea of having an open relationship. So I think the attack on monogamy is often direct. You have people directly saying that monogamy is unnatural, implausible, not feasible.
00:02:14.700So you have that kind of attack. But then I think you have the more common sort of attack on monogamy that is implicit and sort of just cultural and environmental.
00:02:25.100Where people in my generation have grown up in an environment where that is just hostile to monogamy and where if you didn't know any better and you looked around, you may reach the conclusion that monogamy is somehow an impossibility.
00:02:45.060There are a lot of people in my generation who were growing up as kids, they really never encountered a faithful, healthy, monogamous relationship.
00:02:58.000Their own parents were divorced. Their friends' parents were divorced. It was just divorce all over the place. And so that's how a lot of people were raised.
00:03:04.520And it's no surprise that a lot of them now, as adults, have decided that, you know, marriage, a healthy, stable marriage is impossible. So there's no reason to even try.
00:03:16.580Now, I think there are a few different aspects of this discussion that need to be tackled or a few different questions that need to be answered.
00:03:24.680Number one, is monogamy actually unnatural? Number two, is something like an open marriage more natural or even possible, logically?
00:03:37.840And number three, is monogamy possible? So I'll try to tackle these one at a time.
00:03:43.880Number one, is monogamy unnatural? I think the short answer is yes and no.
00:03:50.580It depends on what you mean by natural and thus what you mean by unnatural.
00:03:57.500Now, I think, and the way we talk about things being natural, it's very convoluted and confused.
00:04:04.340And people seem to be very inconsistent in the times when they'll use this idea of something being natural as a justification for doing it.
00:04:15.480Like, we're very selective about that. And I think part of the confusion is that the word natural, as it pertains to humans, can mean one of two things.
00:04:27.060So when we say natural, we could mean it in the lower sense. That is, it's natural because it's what we instinctively crave.
00:04:35.760It's natural because it satisfies some base urge that we have.
00:04:42.520So in that way, being polyamorous or sleeping around, being unfaithful, that is a natural thing in that sense.
00:04:51.940It's natural like lying is natural, like jealousy is natural, like hatred and gossip and pride are all natural.
00:05:01.140They're natural like it's natural to get angry and punch a wall.
00:05:05.760They're natural in the sense that you could experience that urge.
00:05:09.760And if you have no discipline or self-control, you could easily slip into that.
00:05:32.360And in that sense, monogamy is unnatural in the same way that it's unnatural to suppress your anger or to exercise humility or to refrain from lying and to tell the truth, even when the truth is painful or inconvenient or uncomfortable.
00:05:49.680So I think natural in this sense, in the sense that being non-monogamous is natural, would be better called maybe base or even animalistic.
00:06:01.700Animalistic because animals are going to experience a compulsion or an instinct.
00:06:07.020And then that's just how they're going to act.
00:06:10.620They're not going to choose to do something else.
00:06:13.100An animal is never going to say, well, I really have the urge to do this, but I think that's wrong, so I'm going to do this instead.
00:06:21.500And so a person who says, well, I can't be monogamous because it's not natural, what they're saying is basically they don't want to live like a human.
00:06:32.680They don't aspire to be a human being.
00:06:35.420They want to live like a dog, like an animal.
00:06:38.480But then there is natural in the other sense.
00:07:30.480It's not like they have made this promise and this commitment to each other that I'm going to stick by this person or this other creature for the rest of my life.
00:07:46.520It's a greater, more beautiful, more enriching thing.
00:07:48.860But like all higher things, like all greater things that requires effort and work and sacrifice and discipline, fidelity goes against our baser urges.
00:08:01.180But not because it perverts those urges or those instincts.
00:08:07.740So it's not like someone who hurts themselves on purpose, someone who's a self-mutilator.
00:08:15.180And so they go against the instinct for self-preservation and the instinct to avoid pain.
00:08:21.180But in that case, they go against it in that they pervert it.
00:08:25.700Monogamy, fidelity, it goes against our instincts by reaching for something beyond instinct.
00:08:32.980And in that way, I would argue that it is the most natural, the most human, because it's our ability to reach beyond instinct and to act according to a higher standard that makes us human.
00:08:46.960So in pursuing this path, we really become ourselves.
00:08:54.860It's, you know, by just having sex with random people, living a life of selfishness, you're losing your human identity and becoming this small and pathetic little thing.
00:09:06.100I don't want to get off on a, you know, I don't want to get sidetracked here, but this is also why I find the argument against free will so completely stupid.
00:09:17.600I mean, it's the stupidest argument that you'll hear that even very smart people will make, trying to deny free will.
00:09:45.800In the known universe, we're the only ones.
00:09:47.740We could really have an urge to do something and yet do the opposite.
00:09:52.180So I think when people who argue against free will, what they're really revealing about themselves is that they are total, absolute cowards and wimps, and that they, in their own lives, have never actually resisted an urge, have never exercised any self-restraint, and have therefore decided that it's impossible for everyone.
00:10:29.980I mean, talk to a couple that's been married for 50 or 60 or 70 years.
00:10:37.220I think often what you'll find when you talk to some people like that is that they, you know, it's like they've reached a higher mode of existence.
00:10:45.820You know, you'll find a certain peace, a certain wisdom that's grown from a life of love and devotion.
00:10:52.800And you can contrast that with someone who's older and has gone, you know, is also older, like the old married couple.
00:11:00.720But let's take someone who's older and has gone from marriage to marriage, lived a life of self-seeking, of self-involvement, never managed to have really a healthy, faithful relationship.
00:11:15.640And what you'll notice about that kind of person is that they've kind of caved in on themselves and they've become like shells.
00:11:23.560And all that was real and vital and awesomely human about them has been eaten away.
00:11:29.940And that is what being natural has gotten.
00:12:05.880And I think something similar is the case with an open marriage.
00:12:08.300Now, of course, it's hard to make this case in modern times when people don't recognize that marriage has any particular definition or purpose.
00:12:17.480And if marriage is just literally any kind of arrangement, if it's just whatever you want it to be, then marriage is nothing.
00:12:38.600That was the whole argument about, that was the argument that the supporters of so-called traditional marriage have always made.
00:12:48.260It's an argument of definite, it's an argument of logic saying, look, marriage is a certain thing, serves a certain purpose.
00:12:55.940If you erase those lines and say, well, it's not that thing anymore, it doesn't serve that purpose anymore, then you have to come up with a new definition that can still exclude all other definitions.
00:13:11.960Because if it's not a definition that excludes other definitions, then it's not a definition.
00:13:15.900The problem is that the people who have advocated for this new definition of marriage, they never actually came up with a new definition.
00:13:26.500The old definition is very simple, very straightforward.
00:13:29.420A marriage is a lifelong commitment between a man and a woman.
00:13:34.620That is a lifelong, fruitful commitment between a man and a woman that serves as the foundation for a family.
00:13:52.220Well, if you're coming in and saying, well, it doesn't need to be lifelong, it doesn't need to be monogamous, it doesn't need to be fruitful, it doesn't need to serve as a foundation of a family.
00:14:22.260Even if we don't recognize it as a culture, even if we don't recognize it legally, marriage is still marriage.
00:14:26.340Between a man and a woman, and that part is important because one of the primary functions, I said, of a marriage is to serve as the basis for the family, and only a man and a woman can biologically create a family.
00:14:36.460And the lifelong and monogamous part is important because that is what a family requires in order to be stable, happy, and healthy.
00:14:43.100Now, you might say, what about polygamy?
00:14:45.860Which obviously has plenty of historical precedent.
00:14:47.840Well, I think polygamy is a primitive kind of arrangement that we have grown past.
00:14:54.140I think also that polygamy could have arguably been necessary in the earlier days, the very early days of human civilization, when human beings had to do quite a lot of reproducing in order to reach stable population numbers.
00:15:09.120And anyway, polygamy, in the traditional sense, is not the same as this modern idea of an open marriage, where a spouse goes out and has sex with whoever they want just for fun, for recreation, and then comes home to their spouse and pretends that they love them.
00:15:25.280And it also isn't the same as the modern system of marrying and divorcing a whole string of people, so at the end of your life, you have a, you know, at the end of your life, you can look back and see that you have four or five spouses, but you just had them in succession instead of all at once.
00:15:39.860I think even the polygamists of old would have found both of those arrangements to be absurd and horrifying.
00:15:46.880So, you know, open marriage is, it's a, you know, it's a dry lake, it's a, it's a square circle, it's a contradiction in terms.
00:15:58.260The thing that makes, if a marriage is a marriage, if it means anything, one of the central things that make it a marriage is that it is closed.
00:16:07.680That it is a bond between two people, man and woman, closed off from others.
00:16:23.880Is it possible or feasible to get married and stay married and remain faithful to one person for your whole life?
00:16:30.720And for that, let me, let me offer an emphatic yes.
00:16:35.140And this is one of the most frustrating things to me, that people who have failed in their relationships and failed in their marriages will very often argue that essentially their experience is universal.
00:16:46.880You know, nobody can be sure in their marriage.
00:16:54.260That's the message that newlyweds and people who are, you know, discerning marriage, that's the message that they hear.
00:16:59.340And they'll hear that, well, if you're happily married right now, or if you're about to get married, watch out, because it could happen to you at any time.
00:17:35.040Anytime I've talked about this publicly, about the issue of divorce and, you know, being faithful to your spouse and so on, or I've talked about myself and I've said, you know, been married for seven years.
00:17:47.700I have had, in so many cases, I've been told by people who have been divorced and they've said, they said, well, pride comes before the fall.
00:18:23.200I think there are a lot of people who have, you know, experienced a lot of misery in their life, in their lives, much of it self-inflicted, and they really do wish it on others.
00:18:32.520They want other people to experience it.
00:18:55.640Here's an absolute fact about marriage.
00:18:57.680If both of you are 100% committed to it and you remain committed to it, and above all, you remain totally faithful to one another, your marriage will last as long as you live.
00:20:54.060Now, little sacrifices are required to maintain such a life.
00:20:58.240And in the moment, like when you are choosing to have broccoli and you compare that to the choice to eat ice cream, seems like a harder choice.
00:21:08.660And when you're going for a jog and you compare that to the choice of sitting on the couch, the jog seems like the harder choice.
00:21:16.060But if you look at it in its totality, objectively, you see that the other option to be a lazy glutton who eats ice cream all the time and just lays around on the couch,
00:21:25.900that will lead to huge complications down the road, all kinds of health problems, and ultimately to the biggest sacrifice of all, your life.
00:21:51.560There's a great line at the end of Graham Greene's book, Power and the Glory, that I think I've mentioned before, one of my favorite books.
00:21:59.820And there's a line, it's a scene where a priest is in jail, he's awaiting execution, martyrdom.
00:22:08.180And though this priest has done a heroic thing by, in the end, sticking to his faith, even when faced with death, up until that point, he had lived a sinful life, he was a drunk, he had an illegitimate child.
00:22:19.600And so as he was in his cell awaiting execution, Greene has this line to describe his state of mind.
00:22:25.680The line is, it seemed to him at that moment that it would have been quite easy to have been a saint.
00:22:32.060It would only have needed a little self-restraint and a little courage.
00:22:35.600And I've always thought, I've always loved that line, and that whole scene, because of how deeply true it seems.
00:22:45.680And you can really imagine yourself in a cell awaiting execution and having the exact same thought.
00:22:53.240That really, to be a saint, to be a good person, is actually really easy when you look at it objectively.
00:23:00.300All it requires in any given situation, most of the time, is a little bit of self-restraint, a little bit of courage, a little bit of selflessness.
00:23:09.22099% of the moments in our lives only require the smallest little smidgen of saintliness.
00:23:16.56099% of the time, that is all that's required.
00:23:19.580So that to be a bad person, to live a bad life, it means that you have to consistently refuse,
00:23:26.260even in the pettiest situations, you have to refuse to even be a little bit selfless and a little bit honest.
00:23:35.140And you have to consistently make that refusal.
00:23:39.460Where you see, after a while, it's almost like it requires more effort to be a bad person.
00:23:44.240Because you have to be so consistently bad.
00:23:47.820At a certain point, you think you just give up on it and say, fine, I'll just be a good person.
00:23:51.260It's so much easier to just be a good person.
00:23:53.160And I think a similar thing is the case with marriage.
00:23:58.580Marriages most often fail because one or both people, usually both, refuse to stop being selfish for even two seconds.
00:24:50.340I think if in all of these really small, easy situations, if we exercise a little bit of patience, a little bit of selflessness, our marriages will be fine.
00:25:02.920Now, there's still going to be that 1%.
00:25:04.980There's going to be that small minority of really difficult, challenging situations.
00:25:09.540Those moments when doing the right thing, responding the right way might require even something like heroism.
00:25:18.280But the 99% won't require anything close to that.
00:25:22.580And if you get into the habit of being selfless in the 99%,
00:25:26.160then probably you'll react the right way or close to the right way when the 1% creeps up on you.
00:25:39.540That there might be plenty of marriages that appear to have ended because of some cataclysmic thing that occurred
00:25:46.940or some great challenge that the couple faced.
00:25:51.920And it may seem on the outside, it may even seem to them,
00:25:55.340that this huge challenge is the thing that destroyed the marriage.
00:26:00.840But I think probably in most cases that's not true.
00:26:03.380I think what you'll find is that it was kind of a, that one or both of them had been in the habit for a long time leading up to that.
00:26:13.900They've been in the habit of selfishness and pettiness and impatience and all of that.
00:26:20.340And so there had been this kind of cumulative effect.
00:26:22.680And then the big thing happens and it's an explosion that blows them apart because they have no stability.
00:26:31.020They have no strength at all in their, in their marriage and in the relationship.
00:26:34.500And so they don't have the foundations to survive this big challenge.
00:26:38.720And also they themselves personally, because they haven't gotten into the habit of being good, you know, being a good husband or being a good wife.
00:26:47.520When this huge challenge arises, they have no idea how to approach that in the right way.
00:26:55.620So I think that's, that's all that's needed to be monogamous and faithful.
00:26:58.840And, and by the way, I don't, I don't say any of this as a person, you know, I've been married for going on seven years.
00:27:06.100So I'm hardly a marriage expert compared to someone who's been married for 30 years.
00:27:12.760And I also certainly have not mastered the art of, of doing what I would call the easy thing, you know, and, and, and being selfless and patient in the small situations.
00:27:23.620I have not at all, I have not, I have not myself mastered the 99%.
00:27:27.440But that's part of the reason why I know this.
00:27:34.380Because so many times if I, you know, you know, if, if I am impatient or if I do the wrong thing in one of these small situations, you know, where there's a fight or something like that, I can look back on it later and say, what, I mean, why did I do that?
00:27:47.580I mean, it would have been so much easier to simply do the, you know, it would have been so much easier to have a little bit of patience or to be a little bit selfless.
00:27:57.920So that's what I would say to the emailer.
00:27:59.720Don't, don't be afraid of, of marriage.
00:28:05.240Don't be afraid of it, but, but be, be discerning about who you ultimately end up with.
00:28:10.660And, and, and you do absolutely have to go into it yourself, completely ruling out the possibility of divorce, and knowing that your future spouse has also ruled out the possibility, completely ruled it out.
00:28:24.200Um, and then at that point you, you, uh, charge out into the great unknown and see what awaits you.