The Matt Walsh Show - June 20, 2023


How To Deal With Your Smoking Spouse - Matt Walsh Advice


Episode Stats

Length

8 minutes

Words per Minute

211.14897

Word Count

1,880

Sentence Count

120

Misogynist Sentences

3

Hate Speech Sentences

7


Summary

Jennifer wants her husband to stop smoking weed in the house before they have kids, but she doesn t want him to smoke while they're trying to have kids. How should she approach him about this without potentially causing problems in their marriage?


Transcript

00:00:00.000 All right, we're going to do a little bit of advice today.
00:00:03.560 Jennifer says, hi, Matt.
00:00:04.720 I'm married to a wonderful conservative man,
00:00:06.580 and he and I are on the same page on almost everything
00:00:08.660 and share the same values.
00:00:09.840 We're both in our mid-20s and getting ready to have kids,
00:00:12.260 but I have one problem I'd like to try and solve before we do.
00:00:15.400 My dear husband smokes weed,
00:00:17.400 and I really don't want him to be doing that once we have kids
00:00:20.720 or while we're trying for that matter
00:00:22.000 because I know smoking can impact fertility.
00:00:24.340 He doesn't smoke very frequently, a couple of days a week,
00:00:26.520 but it's enough to bother me.
00:00:27.720 I know he used to smoke in his teen years,
00:00:30.120 but he stopped and didn't smoke for most of the time
00:00:31.940 we were dating and engaged.
00:00:33.340 So I didn't really think it was a problem before marriage.
00:00:35.500 How should I go about approaching him about this
00:00:37.500 without potentially causing issues?
00:00:40.220 There's no way to approach it
00:00:41.240 except to just tell him everything you've told me.
00:00:43.820 The only issue, he might not want to hear it,
00:00:46.300 but I think it's perfectly valid for you to raise it,
00:00:49.880 especially if, from what you're telling me,
00:00:53.340 when you knew him and you were engaged
00:00:55.000 and you first got married,
00:00:55.800 he didn't have this weed habit.
00:00:58.820 So he can't say,
00:00:59.960 oh, this is something that you knew about
00:01:01.160 and now you're switching up on me.
00:01:03.680 So this is a change that apparently,
00:01:05.860 from what I'm getting from this,
00:01:06.820 he has made since you got married,
00:01:09.020 which gives you all the more reason to object.
00:01:14.380 And I'd feel the same way about it.
00:01:16.180 I know that there are plenty of people
00:01:18.160 who smoke weed and they get very upset
00:01:20.400 if there's any criticism made against it.
00:01:25.020 And generally, what you'll hear from them is that,
00:01:29.400 well, it's no different.
00:01:30.200 What's the difference between smoking a little bit of weed
00:01:31.960 or having a drink at the end of the day,
00:01:33.700 having a beer?
00:01:34.240 What's the difference?
00:01:35.680 I think that there is a difference,
00:01:37.540 you know,
00:01:38.280 on a few different levels.
00:01:39.900 One is like the psychological effect
00:01:42.140 that marijuana can have
00:01:43.340 and it can have it in a more sort of potent way.
00:01:46.500 Now, obviously, alcohol,
00:01:48.080 if you overdo it and you get drunk,
00:01:50.380 then that has all kinds of physical
00:01:51.460 and psychological effects
00:01:52.300 and that's no good.
00:01:53.520 But I think that the psychological effect
00:01:55.220 of marijuana,
00:01:56.060 even used casually,
00:01:57.720 is much more potent and pronounced.
00:02:00.060 And there have been plenty of studies done
00:02:01.500 linking marijuana to things like schizophrenia
00:02:03.100 and those sorts of things.
00:02:04.380 Those studies are out there.
00:02:05.720 And I also think it's like,
00:02:06.540 it's less of a social,
00:02:07.980 you know,
00:02:08.280 if you're in a social environment,
00:02:10.380 you're all sitting down,
00:02:11.320 you have a couple of drinks,
00:02:12.720 it's like a,
00:02:13.520 it's a social thing
00:02:15.180 and it opens you up to be a little bit more so.
00:02:16.760 Again, as long as you're not overdoing it,
00:02:18.700 kind of is a social lubricant.
00:02:20.920 Whereas marijuana is not that,
00:02:22.800 it kind of brings you into yourself.
00:02:24.860 It's a very,
00:02:25.200 it's a more of an isolating thing,
00:02:26.920 which would make it all the more of a problem
00:02:29.840 in the context of a marriage
00:02:31.160 or if you have kids.
00:02:31.960 And so I think
00:02:33.560 all you could do
00:02:35.480 is just communicate this to him
00:02:36.960 and say that this,
00:02:38.620 that you're not comfortable
00:02:39.600 with this in the house.
00:02:42.760 And you have every right to say that.
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00:03:45.520 All right, here's one from Reddit.
00:03:49.880 Interesting one.
00:03:51.080 It says,
00:03:51.400 I've been divorced from my ex-wife
00:03:53.060 for seven years.
00:03:53.760 We were together for eight before that
00:03:55.260 and married for four years.
00:03:56.960 We have two children together,
00:03:58.000 ages 14 and 12.
00:03:59.100 We co-parent and each get our own week
00:04:00.860 with the children.
00:04:02.240 I love my wife deeply,
00:04:03.420 but the sad truth is that
00:04:04.340 she couldn't stay away
00:04:05.140 from the male attention.
00:04:06.400 She's a very beautiful woman.
00:04:07.500 She has been her whole life.
00:04:08.800 Men would always look when they walked by
00:04:10.340 and I used to think how lucky I was
00:04:11.860 that she was mine
00:04:12.520 till I found out
00:04:13.600 she was entertaining these men as well.
00:04:15.780 I had found texts in her phone multiple times.
00:04:18.220 I let go of that
00:04:19.260 because it was over the phone.
00:04:21.340 That was a mistake.
00:04:22.480 Then I find out that she allowed them
00:04:23.720 to take her on dates
00:04:24.860 or to bars secretly
00:04:26.340 after her work shift ended.
00:04:27.740 She promised it was never sexual.
00:04:29.600 Yeah, okay.
00:04:30.480 And I never had any proof that it was,
00:04:32.060 but who knows?
00:04:32.680 Well, no, we know.
00:04:33.560 We all know.
00:04:34.300 It was.
00:04:35.580 She said that she just liked the compliments
00:04:37.460 and the idea of how many guys
00:04:38.800 like to pay attention to her
00:04:39.740 and it gave her some weird high.
00:04:41.800 That wasn't my cup of tea,
00:04:42.840 so I ended the marriage.
00:04:45.440 I'm already seeing some of the problems here.
00:04:47.560 The way that he's even phrasing this
00:04:48.800 is so passive.
00:04:49.840 It wasn't my cup of tea.
00:04:51.300 You know, having a wife cheat on me
00:04:52.420 wasn't really my cup of tea.
00:04:53.300 It wasn't my thing.
00:04:54.280 You know, I tried it out
00:04:55.400 and didn't really like it.
00:04:56.700 That just makes you a beta cook.
00:04:58.780 She spent the last years in therapy
00:05:00.440 in which she has been diagnosed
00:05:01.500 with histrionic personality disorder
00:05:03.280 and OCD.
00:05:04.180 She claims she's doing really well.
00:05:05.660 At our last drop-off with the kids,
00:05:07.040 she told me that she told her therapist
00:05:08.480 that she'd like to reconcile
00:05:09.500 her marriage a year ago
00:05:10.640 and she hasn't been on any dates
00:05:12.480 or tried to be flirtatious.
00:05:14.240 She said that her goal was to fix us,
00:05:16.140 that she wanted to be a family again,
00:05:17.780 if I was willing to try.
00:05:18.700 Knowing she has a diagnosis
00:05:20.280 for why she wants this attention so badly
00:05:22.120 and her actively getting help
00:05:23.480 to contain these behaviors
00:05:24.600 opens my mind up greatly
00:05:26.280 of the possibility of a happy marriage,
00:05:27.860 but I'm also not fully sure
00:05:29.840 that I can trust her.
00:05:30.800 I want nothing more than my family back,
00:05:32.580 but I don't want a repeat of the first time.
00:05:35.380 Yeah, this is an interesting one
00:05:37.300 because, you know,
00:05:38.280 first of all,
00:05:39.560 I would never discourage someone
00:05:41.680 from trying to repair a marriage,
00:05:43.840 especially when you have kids.
00:05:44.760 And if there's a way to repair a marriage
00:05:47.200 and reconcile,
00:05:48.420 then, you know,
00:05:49.700 that's always ideal
00:05:50.920 and it's a beautiful thing.
00:05:52.560 But there are a bunch of red flags
00:05:54.460 in this case,
00:05:55.500 aside from the obvious ones
00:05:56.600 that she was cheating.
00:05:57.340 But, you know,
00:05:58.780 some of this is like the timing of it.
00:06:00.480 So they've been divorced for seven years
00:06:02.180 and while they were together,
00:06:04.840 she was out, you know,
00:06:06.260 it wasn't sexual,
00:06:07.200 I was just flirting with other men.
00:06:08.440 Yeah, sure.
00:06:09.000 But what that tells me is that
00:06:10.340 she says she's 37 years old now
00:06:12.100 and so she's getting older
00:06:14.280 and, you know,
00:06:16.200 as you get older,
00:06:16.940 I'm 37, you're still young,
00:06:18.040 you know,
00:06:18.240 it's like I'm only 36,
00:06:19.600 but as you get older,
00:06:20.600 your looks start to fade a little bit.
00:06:22.080 You don't have the same kind of
00:06:23.440 youthful beauty that you once had
00:06:25.600 and so this tells me
00:06:26.920 that's something,
00:06:27.980 that's part of what's going on here,
00:06:29.860 which would mean that
00:06:30.740 it's like it's less likely
00:06:32.480 that there was a conversion moment.
00:06:35.920 People can be reformed,
00:06:36.920 they can change.
00:06:37.900 That seems less likely here
00:06:39.520 and more likely that
00:06:40.640 the attention is drying up
00:06:42.500 from all the random guys
00:06:45.140 and she was getting a lot more attention
00:06:46.840 in her 20s
00:06:47.460 and she's not in her 20s anymore
00:06:48.520 and so now,
00:06:49.720 and she's starting to feel lonely
00:06:50.680 and so that's why she is going back,
00:06:53.300 crawling back to the ex-husband,
00:06:55.500 which would tell us
00:06:56.000 that there's a good chance
00:06:57.440 there wasn't any actual
00:06:58.860 personal reformation that happened.
00:07:01.940 And then the other big one,
00:07:03.060 the other big red flag,
00:07:04.160 this kind of hiding behind a diagnosis
00:07:05.880 and the diagnosis makes her feel better
00:07:08.660 and it makes the ex-husband feel better
00:07:11.060 because they say,
00:07:12.280 oh, well, that explains it.
00:07:13.700 That's why you were,
00:07:14.720 that's why you were,
00:07:15.860 you were a disloyal liar.
00:07:19.280 You were a horrible,
00:07:20.520 disloyal, unfaithful woman.
00:07:22.660 Bitch, bitch, bitch, dirty bitch.
00:07:24.740 But it's only because you were,
00:07:25.720 it's because you had
00:07:26.180 histrionic personality disorder
00:07:28.120 and OCD.
00:07:30.520 And so you just, what,
00:07:31.360 you get some therapy,
00:07:32.300 you take some drugs for that
00:07:33.100 and you're fine,
00:07:33.780 you're cured.
00:07:35.300 No, that's not the way it works.
00:07:36.420 You know, we cannot medicalize everything.
00:07:39.140 All right.
00:07:39.760 Well, we can.
00:07:40.640 I mean, we have medicalized everything,
00:07:41.900 but we shouldn't.
00:07:43.260 And people make choices,
00:07:44.880 they make decisions,
00:07:45.780 they do things.
00:07:47.420 There are things called character flaws.
00:07:49.660 You know, there are sins,
00:07:51.620 there are evil choices people make.
00:07:54.080 All that exists.
00:07:55.860 And that's what happened here.
00:07:57.860 It's not, it's not,
00:07:58.440 flirting with other men
00:07:59.400 is not a symptom of a mental disease.
00:08:02.560 It is a choice that you made.
00:08:05.720 It's a symptom of a character defects
00:08:07.840 and your own choices.
00:08:10.200 You don't see,
00:08:10.600 you had reasons that you chose
00:08:11.940 to act that way
00:08:12.700 because you like the attention.
00:08:14.180 You know, there's,
00:08:14.760 there were actually kind of
00:08:16.360 bad reasons,
00:08:17.600 but rational,
00:08:18.580 there was a rationale behind it.
00:08:20.240 It's not like it was psychotic behavior.
00:08:22.500 You like attention.
00:08:23.420 That's why you acted that way.
00:08:24.840 And the fact that she goes
00:08:26.300 and goes for the diagnosis
00:08:28.340 and takes some comfort
00:08:30.620 in being diagnosed that way,
00:08:31.780 that only tells me
00:08:32.680 that actually she has not
00:08:33.940 been willing to confront
00:08:34.980 what she actually did
00:08:36.020 because she doesn't want to admit
00:08:36.920 that she did these things
00:08:37.920 and she made these choices.
00:08:39.120 She wants to,
00:08:39.600 she wants to believe that,
00:08:40.480 oh, it was all the,
00:08:41.160 it was all the mental illness doing that.
00:08:43.400 So, I don't think that there's a,
00:08:46.560 there does not appear
00:08:47.380 to be at this point
00:08:48.380 a chance of any real reconciliation
00:08:50.140 for those reasons, unfortunately.
00:08:52.100 And that'll do it for us.
00:08:52.820 So we'll talk to you tomorrow.
00:08:53.940 Godspeed.