Matt Walsh Ranks The Worst Disney Songs
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
184.50264
Summary
In honor of the new Little Mermaid song, we re-listen to a bunch of other terrible Disney songs, including "The Song" by Moana and "I'll Find a Treasure" by The Little Mermaid. Plus, a new Pinocchio remake.
Transcript
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Look, everyone, I brought my thingamabob, my weapons-grade thingamabob.
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Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
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You know, a couple days ago, we talked about the new Little Mermaid movie, which is atrocious.
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And I haven't seen it, but of course I can say that. You don't need to see it in order to say that.
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One of the songs in that movie that went viral for all the wrong reasons, if you're Disney,
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because it's potentially the worst song ever made. It's just terrible.
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And so it was suggested to me by McKenna that because I so hated having to suffer through that song,
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what we should do today is play a bunch of other terrible Disney songs.
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So let's just start with this. This one's from Moana. Let's watch a little bit of it.
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Shiny, like a treasure from a sunken pirate wreck. Scrub the deck and make it look shiny.
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I will sparkle like a wealthy woman's neck. Just a sec, don't you know.
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Fish are dum-dum-dum. They chase anything that glitters. Beginners.
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Oh, and here they come, come, come to the brightest thing that glitters.
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All right. No, it's not five. Turn it off. Stop.
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So here's the thing. I saw Moana. I believe I've seen Moana.
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I think I took, I probably, I think I took my kids to see it when it was,
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And I remember thinking that it's not terrible. I remember thinking that.
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It's not a remake. So that was my first thing going in.
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It's not a remake. They're actually making original content.
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You know, there's nothing, there's nothing woke in it.
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I must've, I must've blocked this from my memory.
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I must've suppressed this deep down in the recesses of my memory.
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Cause I have no recollection of this awful song or I don't know what's happening in this scene.
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That is pretty bad, but it's not, it doesn't rise to the level of the Little Mermaid song.
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So let's keep going. This one is from, uh, okay.
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This is from the new Pinocchio, I guess. Let's listen.
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And then we'll sing and dance the whole day through.
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That's in the running. That's, that's competing.
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And the other thing about the Pinocchio remake is how many Pinocchio movies do we actually need?
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Like this movie, there are so many versions of this movie.
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And I know this because recently I was trying to, uh, put Pinocchio on for my kids.
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Like the original, you know, the, the one from the sixties or the fifties or whenever that came out.
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There's like, there's 15 versions of this movie.
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Every year they come out with a Pinocchio remake.
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Is it really the kind of movie that it's like, there's so much in that story that we need to keep retelling it over and over again?
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I'll bet a lot of you folks don't believe that.
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Gilbert said that, uh, Gilbert said that, uh, Gilbert said that, uh, Gilbert said that, uh, my.
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So I think Pinocchio exists as the kind of story and the kind of movie that kids hate.
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Kids hate it, but then they become parents and their perception of the story changes.
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So Pinocchio was never great, but they somehow made it worse with that song.
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Clip three is, I don't know what this is, Diane Guerrero, Encanto.
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It sounds like a modern pop song, and I mean that in the worst possible way.
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It just sounds like the kind of, just like, it's not aggressively obnoxious, I don't think.
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It doesn't make your, it doesn't make you nauseous listening to it.
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You know, the old Disney movies, those songs, you still remember those songs, because there's
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a certain kind of charm to them, and all this stuff, when they make these remakes in
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the new Disney movies, they're not able to capture that charm and that enchantment anymore.
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Because all of these movies are made by, they're not made by storytellers, okay?
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They're made by like, it's like, these are corporate products, and they're made by marketing
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departments, and they sit around in rooms, in meetings, and they come up with these stories
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based on, you know, what's going to make those money, and how can they merchandise it, and
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Now I know she'll never leave me, even as she runs away, she will still torment me, calm
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me, hurt me, move me, come what may, wasting in my lonely tower, waiting by an open door.
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It sounds like it's their impression of the kind of a Disney song.
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They're doing a, it's like they're doing, it's a parody.
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It's a parody of a 90s Disney song, but it can't actually capture the essence.
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You take the beast, and you try to make it realistic.
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And I'm not going to get into the whole thing about Beauty and the Beast.
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All my problems, my many problems with the story to begin with, you know, and the fact
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But she goes, she gets kidnapped by a beast, like an animal.
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It's not even a human, and falls in love with it.
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Remember, she falls in love with that thing before she doesn't even know.
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So it's not even like she falls in love with the potential, or she knows that he used to
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She thinks that he's literally just like a buffalo creature.
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Disney's been woke for a while, because they were promoting bestiality, even all the way
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Should we finish this up by watching that Little Mermaid song again, listening to it?
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No, the gossip, the buzz, the who said what, who does that, yeah, that's scat-o-butt.
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Well, I was flying over land and seeing ear to the ground.
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Then I came flying here for you to see and hear what I found.
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When you listen to that again, you realize that it's just, that exists on a tier that
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none of these other songs, none of the songs are bad.
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There are a lot of, bad songs are a dime a dozen.
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A strange new respect that you could make a song that terrible.