Matt Walsh Reacts To Reality Show Trailers
Episode Stats
Words per minute
184.42458
Harmful content
Misogyny
8
sentences flagged
Hate speech
3
sentences flagged
Summary
Joey Fatone hosts a reality show where couples go on a journey to find out if they should live with each other or with a new partner, and at the end of the journey, they have to choose to marry the person they've arrived here with, or split forever.
Transcript
00:00:00.000
Well, to be honest with you, I didn't really know that reality shows existed still, really.
00:00:05.740
That's how plugged into the entertainment world I am.
00:00:09.380
My producers inform me that reality shows are still very much a thing, and they're all the rage, in fact.
00:00:14.660
And they had the bright idea to have me watch some reality show trailers and react to them.
00:00:20.440
And I can only assume, because they're the ones who suggested it, that I will hate every minute of this,
00:00:25.060
because that's the only type of content they ever do suggest, because I guess everyone enjoys watching me in pain, watching me suffer.
00:00:33.220
So, I've steeled myself. I think I'm ready. As ready as I can be. Let's go.
00:00:39.140
I love you to death, but I just cannot wait any longer. That is why I'm giving this ultimatum.
00:00:45.180
You're here because someone in your relationship has issued an ultimatum.
00:00:50.140
You're not sure you want to marry your current partner. The risk is that they're going to find someone else who is.
00:00:55.720
I think it's natural to wonder what it would be like to be in a different relationship.
00:01:07.220
you guys will have to choose to marry the person you've arrived here with, or to split forever.
00:01:13.880
Today, we get to move in with someone completely different.
00:01:16.920
Living with a guy that's not you will be a weird change.
00:01:27.600
This is the first time I felt like, okay, this guy's okay.
00:01:30.720
From what he said about you, I was not happy about this at all.
00:01:36.300
We came here as a couple, but it's about figuring out what's best as individual people.
00:01:40.240
Okay, I'm already 20 points, 20 IQ points dumber, and we just started.
00:01:45.600
I'm going to be a, I'm going to be a sea sponge by the end of this thing.
00:01:54.420
So you've got, you've got, uh, what's his name?
00:01:56.640
Joey Fatone hosting this, and you've got couples who want to get married, and so they come on
00:02:01.480
a reality show, and they shack up with somebody else for a while on camera to find out if they
00:02:09.240
We want to get married, and to find out if we should get married, we're going to go
00:02:12.040
and live with somebody else on a, well, I can answer the, I can answer the question
00:02:19.020
Okay, spoiler, all of you are awful, um, none of you should get married, you should
00:02:24.700
all move into the wilderness by yourselves, and save society from having to endure your
00:02:32.860
How is it that reality shows are dumber now than I remember them being?
00:02:36.060
I think I just, I, I couldn't handle living in a world where this kind of stuff exists,
00:02:39.920
so I blocked it out of my mind, and I, and I went to a, I went to my safe space, my happy
00:02:43.740
space, and now, um, now I have to confront this, and it's even worse than I remember.
00:02:50.340
I've met the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.
00:03:20.740
I'm really starting to emotionally connect with you.
00:03:38.580
I am engaged to somebody I've never seen before.
00:03:43.580
Can they just lock the cubes and just leave them in there?
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They have him chained up in a basement somewhere and they bring him out like the Gimp and Pulp Fiction whenever there's a new Netflix reality show.
0.51
00:04:00.760
And I say new reality show, but really there has never been a new reality show, I think.
00:04:05.320
All these ideas are just versions of each other.
00:04:07.280
What about American Idol, but they have to write their own songs?
00:04:12.300
Oh, what about American Idol, but they have to write their own songs?
00:04:16.400
We're going to match a bunch of attractive people up and have them get married, even though they haven't seen each other.
1.00
00:04:25.140
Second of all, the drama and suspense is taken out, right?
00:04:34.240
I mean, for a concept like this to work, you need to mix in some ugly ducklings.
00:04:41.740
So you should have like a guy who's 600 pounds and they wheel him out on a forklift for the big reveal.
00:04:48.520
You've already gotten married and you're married to a 600 pound guy on a forklift.
00:04:53.980
Instead, everybody is in the seven to nine range as far as physical looks go.
00:04:58.500
So the show is, what will happen when these sevens to nines meet other sevens to nines?
00:05:09.540
All day long, I watch, debunk, and cancel stupid people.
00:05:12.560
Some days, my producers make me sit behind this desk for hours on end watching purple-haired weirdos attempt to explain their gender-neutral pronouns to me.
00:05:20.180
And the only way that I've found to cope with all this torture is with Halo.
00:05:24.360
Halo is the number one Christian prayer app in the U.S.
00:05:27.520
It's like Calm or Headspace, but rooted in Catholic faith as opposed to the religion of leftism.
00:05:32.940
Halo offers over 5,000 audio-guided prayers, meditations, and Christian music tracks.
00:05:37.900
Some of the most popular daily prayers are the daily rosary, gospel reading, the daily psalm with Bishop Barron, and so much more.
00:05:45.400
Halo helps me find peace and calm throughout the day, even as crazy leftists yell at me through a tiny screen.
00:05:50.380
Go to halo.com slash mattwalsh and get an extended three-month free trial, during which you'll have access to all 5,000-plus meditations and prayers.
00:05:59.700
That's halo.com slash mattwalsh for three months free.
00:06:07.960
Deep in the remote jungles of Columbia, a new species has been spotted at the watering hole.
00:06:16.780
These humans are using animal mating techniques in their search for true love and are forbidden to speak to one another.
00:06:32.560
My inner animal is an otter because they're super playful.
00:06:39.860
Ducks are kind of like majestic, but also kind of goofy.
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Okay, things about to get interesting, a little spicy.
00:06:59.240
I guess mating rituals work because I've never been so attracted to Stefan before.
00:07:27.520
It's possible that I've accidentally been polite to somebody who watches this show.
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Girls that look like me don't get representation.
1.00
00:07:57.180
Time to pull up my sleeves and find them myself.
00:08:01.720
We thick and we pretty and we know what we've got.
00:08:08.280
To be a background dancer for Lizzo would just mean everything.
00:08:23.980
And I feel like that has been detrimental in how I approach dance.
00:08:30.120
That's actually refreshing compared to the others.
00:08:32.480
Lizzo and a bunch of obese dancers in thongs and spandex.
00:08:36.320
That's a sight for sore eyes compared to what we saw before.
00:08:40.820
Compared to the mental sewage that came before it.
00:08:45.320
I want to see the contestants of that show mixed in with the contestants on the Love is Blind show.
00:08:55.240
I want to see one of the guys on the Love is Blind.
00:09:03.000
He assumes it's some dime that he's going to be matched up with.
00:09:06.140
And then one of these Lizzo background dancers comes out.
0.99
00:09:16.700
And so he's going to be stuck in this marriage forever now.
00:09:23.160
I don't want to be doing this with anyone but you.
00:09:31.200
This is the first time in a long time that I'm open to love.
00:09:36.860
Spending time with you and getting to know you.
00:09:40.020
So what are you guys expecting from this island?
00:09:43.080
Oh, I guess that means Too Hot to Handle is back.
00:10:02.940
Each time the rules are broken, money will be deducted.
00:10:20.440
But watching that trailer, I have never in my life rooted for a tsunami so much.
00:10:34.680
Tell them it's a reality show called Boob Island or whatever.
00:10:46.640
Maybe wash some of the herpes and genital crabs off.
00:10:51.240
And if anybody drowns in the process, that was not the intention.
00:11:04.800
I actually feel that I am dumber than I was at the start.
00:11:07.260
Maybe this last one will be, this will be a bright spot to end on maybe.
00:11:25.080
I think that's the hardest part about being a judge.
00:11:34.340
Okay, so first of all, nothing happens in that show at all.
00:11:43.580
And the one highlight is Chrissy Teigen saying she's naked.
00:11:46.580
That's like if I went to a restaurant and I said that the highlight of the restaurant,
00:11:50.400
my restaurant experience, was that the chicken was undercooked and gave me food poisoning.
00:11:53.980
If that's the highlight, how low is the low light is the question.
00:11:57.160
I want a judge show where I'm the judge and everybody gets the death penalty for coming on the show.
00:12:05.060
The fact that you would come to a judge show in the first place to settle your problem means you deserve the death penalty.