Matt Walsh Relives The Most Annoying TikToks Of The Year
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
178.30377
Summary
TikTok has been a scourge on society. It s ruining our kids' minds and souls. China is spying on us. But it s been great for content, and that s all that really matters. And so this is a little bit of a retrospective for TikTok as we head into the new year. Let s go back and watch again and reflect briefly upon the worst TikToks of the year.
Transcript
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Well, we all know that TikTok has been a scourge on society.
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It's ruining our kids' minds and souls, turning them into zombies.
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But it's been great for content, and that's all that really matters.
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And so this is a little bit of a retrospective for TikTok as we head into the new year.
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Let's go back and watch again and reflect briefly upon the worst TikToks of the year, or best, depending on how you look at it.
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No introduction needed for these videos. You'll remember many of them.
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These are the, I guess we'll do the six worst TikToks.
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Why six? Because it brings to mind 666, the number of Satan seems to apply.
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Controversial opinion, but if you have a token white, and you're hanging out with your friend group of color,
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you need to ask permission from everybody in the group to bring your white friend.
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Like, don't just bring them. Ask for explicit permission from everyone.
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Because just because you're comfortable with them doesn't mean that everybody's comfortable with them.
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I might not be in the mood to deal with white shenanigans that day. That's all I'm saying.
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Like, don't let them think they're a good white person.
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Don't give them that card to use against other people. Please don't do that.
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I do appreciate at least the phrase white shenanigans.
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Maybe that'll be my, one day that'll be the title of my memoir, White Shenanigans.
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The irony here, of course, is that this person, what is her name?
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See? Exactly. That's the person nobody wants to be around.
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So whenever someone is like, oh, hey, should I invite Sriracha Lesbian out tonight?
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Everyone goes, her? No. Why would you do that? We don't want to be around her.
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You know, if this is a white woman doing a video about how if you are in a white friend group,
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you should ask permission before inviting your black friend,
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because not all of your white friends will be in the mood for black shenanigans.
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If she said that, it would just, she'd literally go to prison for that.
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Hi, kids. There's no such thing as a boy or a girl, and I can prove it.
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So gather around the family, the parents, everybody, answer my questions.
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Everything you can think of that makes a boy or makes a girl is usually, but not always.
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Maybe you're even like me, and you're not a boy or a girl.
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Yes, it's our friend from Silence of the Lambs there.
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In a way, I'm always impressed with this guy because it's not easy to be the creepiest son of a bitch on the internet.
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It's a bit like being the fattest guy at Golden Corral.
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But let's not allow that to distract us from the fact of just how nonsensical his point is in this video.
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There is no such thing as a boy or a girl because some girls don't like the color pink, and some boys aren't taller than girls.
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I once saw a midget elephant that was smaller than a horse.
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Like, in order for boys to exist and girls to exist, that doesn't mean that every single boy has to look.
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It doesn't mean that they all have to be identical twins.
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No one's claiming that the entire world is made up of identical.
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There's identical boys and identical girls, and that's all that exists in the world.
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It's a category, and then there are many variations within the category.
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Welcome to a day in my life as a Twitter employee.
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So, this past week, went to SF for the first time at a Twitter office, badged in.
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Honestly, took a moment to just soak everything in.
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Also, started my morning off with an iced matcha from the perch.
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So, quickly scheduled one of these little pod rooms, which were so cool.
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I don't know what this is, but it was really cool.
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Played some foosball with my friends to kind of unwind a bit.
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Um, also found this really cool meditation room that I thought was super neat.
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Um, I didn't do any yoga, but they have this yoga room if you are a yogi.
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Um, had a couple more meetings in the afternoon.
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Had a ton of projects that we needed to knock out.
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Um, went to the, went to the library to kind of get some more work done.
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And, obviously, had to have our afternoon coffee, so made some espresso.
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All right, that was what, simpler times for that Twitter employee.
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Assuming that, uh, she's one of the ones who got fired.
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Because, I mean, after all, she apparently had projects she needed to knock out.
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And yet, she had spent the entire day up until that point meditating and playing foosball.
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And I was, I had a, went for a picnic, played some video games, took a quick nap.
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Like, you are, you are not an indispensable member of the team if you have time in the
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And many Twitter employees, after that video, shortly after the video was published, they
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00:06:23.740
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00:06:28.460
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00:06:33.740
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00:06:42.380
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00:06:46.900
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00:07:00.960
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00:07:04.300
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00:07:07.340
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00:07:12.320
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00:07:14.780
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00:07:24.480
So much of what I'm doing online is reliving the moments of girlhood that I missed out on,
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including sleepovers, where I could be silly with my friends all night long without a care
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So I put together a Dylan's Sleepover Essentials list on Instacart that y'all can shop to get
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And I'm warning you beforehand, I eat mostly junk food, but we're having a sleepover, so
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I actually have to correct myself because I said that the other guy was the creepiest son
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of a bitch on the internet, but actually Dylan Mulvaney holds that title, so I do apologize
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I totally want to cut off your skin and wear it to my birthday.
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The other guy is then, you know, analogous to only the second fattest guy at Golden Corral,
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You might as well just be skinny at that point.
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And Dylan Mulvaney, of course, famous for his imitation, woman face, probably one of the
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defining things of 2022, which tells you everything you need to know about this year, I suppose.
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Hey, Veronica, I'm going to have you take this home and work on it tonight, okay?
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Respectfully, Susan, I'd rather spend time with my family.
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Veronica, did you just decline the Zoom meeting that's at 6.30 tonight?
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Yeah, because it's outside of my working hours, 9 to 5, so I won't be attending.
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All right, Veronica, I do need you to be available during your vacation, okay?
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Susan, you'll be blocked on my vacation because I won't be answering.
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Okay, Veronica, I'm going to need you to complete all of this today.
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Oh, okay, just making sure, because that looks like the work of two people, right?
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This is the, of course, the act-your-wage phenomenon, otherwise known as quiet quitting.
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You know, it's not going to benefit you to be both obnoxious and lazy on the job.
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You might be able to get away with one or the other, okay?
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So if you're lazy, but you're also really a pleasure to be around, and you're very personable and very nice and people like you, then you might survive.
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You might actually be able to coast through and find some measure of success in life just based on it.
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On the other hand, if you're totally obnoxious and miserable and people hate you, but you work hard and you're very good, then you might be able to skate by that way because they can't get rid of you because of the work that you do.
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So combining both of those things together, as this woman has done, then you're totally relying on affirmative action and diversity, equity, and inclusion to save you and to bring you to, you know, be the thing that escorts you towards success in life.
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If you're a white man, that's not on the, that's not in the cards, not on the table.
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I don't think she checks enough identity boxes to get away with it.
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If you decide to live that way, don't come back around complaining when you are a total failure in life because this is the path that you have chosen.
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And also don't ask for me to pay for your student loans.
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Because there are people who are fatter than me.
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When I go on a plane, I might need a seatbelt extender.
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But I don't need to buy a second seat or risk getting kicked off the plane.
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That means that I have privilege compared to people who have that experience.
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If that's the case, then you have privilege compared to me.
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Somebody who is a model size may have privilege compared to you.
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But that doesn't mean you don't have any privilege.
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You have thin privilege if you only need one seatbelt extender on the plane.
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If you don't need a second seatbelt extender, then you count as thin now.
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Once that happens, it's just like the game is over and there are no standards anymore.
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All that being said, there are, if you would like, privileges to being actually thin or at least not morbidly obese.
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You don't have to turn sideways to fit through a doorframe.
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That's, you might say, a privilege compared to the alternative.
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This is not the privilege of someone who's, you know, a trust fund baby.
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Kind of thing that's not accessible to everyone.
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So if there is thin privilege, if that concept makes sense, the good news is anyone can have it.
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Price of admission is a salad and some sit-ups.
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Price of admission is a salad and some sit-ups and some sit-ups and some sit-ups and some sit-ups.
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All the brands of crazy, I think, covered in these TikToks.
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It was, all in all, a psychotic year on TikTok and across the country.
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And we're looking forward to an even more darkly insane and depressing year next year.