Matt Walsh Reviews Adorable Dog Videos
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
155.73845
Summary
We're back on TikTok, and this time we're watching some crazy dog owner videos on Tik Tok, and we're even crazier than ever before. We're talking about dumb dog owners, and the crazy things they do to their dogs, and how they treat them.
Transcript
00:00:00.000
Today we go back to my favorite place on the internet, TikTok. And I say that both ironically
00:00:05.380
and also sort of not ironically. It's kind of confusing. And I have a feeling we're about to
00:00:09.740
be a lot more confused because today we will be watching and reviewing some crazy dog owner
00:00:15.480
videos on TikTok. There are a lot of these there, apparently, no surprise. And I'm a well-known dog
00:00:22.820
loather, not lover, but loather. Nothing against dogs personally. I just, I find them irritating
00:00:28.460
and useless and disgusting. What are you doing?
00:00:34.540
That's how I roll. I don't blame them for that. There's nothing personal against their animals.
00:00:39.300
They can't help affect their hairy, mangy, useless beasts. I blame instead the dog owners
00:00:45.080
and also America's obsession with dogs, which has become, I think, a sort of mental illness
00:00:52.600
in this country. No offense to any dog owners out there. So we'll go through and we'll see
00:01:03.920
We've been seeing these tiny little glasses all over TikTok, so I knew I had to get Ducky
00:01:07.600
a pair. These frames are from the Pawwag company and they're $12.99. I got him two frames, one
00:01:13.280
in a size small and one in a size medium to see which ones would fit him better. These
00:01:17.080
ones are the size small. It's the round glasses in black. I think they're so stinking cute on
00:01:21.820
him. It also comes with a connector that helps the glasses stay on his face.
00:01:25.400
I personally like the size small frames better on him, but we're going to try on the medium
00:01:30.640
ones next. These ones are the round glasses in gold in a size medium. These are definitely
00:01:35.620
still cute, especially if you're going for a more hipster oversized look. These are Ducky
00:01:40.140
approved and we give these a 10 out of 10 and we can't wait to get more.
00:01:45.160
Dog glass. Does the dog need glasses? Did you take him to LensCrafters and he got an eye exam?
00:01:50.280
No, probably not. Because he has no vision problem at all, I assume, right? He's not
00:01:55.600
visually disabled. You're forcing him to live like that. You're forcing a trans-abled identity
00:02:01.520
on this poor dog because you think glasses are cute. As a visually impaired American myself,
00:02:08.520
you see these glasses? This is not for show. I need these.
00:02:13.020
I just want to say my culture is not a damned costume for a dog, you bigot. Also, now that
00:02:21.220
poor dog has to run around with this thing attached to his face, which serves no medical
00:02:26.300
purpose at all. And come to think of it, we could probably all relate. Let's keep going.
00:02:43.020
What? Was that the noise coming from a dog? This is sickening to me. You know, there's
00:03:04.500
a book that came out recently. It's a good book called The Decadent Society. And I think
00:03:08.880
that these videos are all the proof you need that we live in a decadent. A tie? What is
00:03:19.820
What does a dog need a tie for? And just because he's putting his paw on something, that doesn't
00:03:24.660
mean that he's choosing to wear it, okay? The dog is a dog. He's just randomly putting
00:03:30.280
his paw on something. This is something we always do. We ascribe human intentions to animals.
00:03:36.640
It's one of the reasons why people always say, oh, look at the dolphin in the ocean jumping
00:03:41.800
around. He's so happy. Look, he's smiling. No, his mouth is just like that. He can't help
00:03:46.940
it. Or you see a video of like a lion cuddling a tortoise and everyone says, isn't that so nice?
00:03:54.640
They're friends. No, as soon as the video cut off, he ripped that tortoise's head off.
00:03:59.340
Your dog is fine. He's a dog. He wants to run around in the fur God gave him. That's
00:04:05.880
what your dog wants to do. You hear me? You wacko pet owners. That's all he wants.
00:04:11.380
The animals just want to, they want to be animals and they want to live like animals because
00:04:15.040
they're animals. He doesn't want to be your baby doll. I don't even like animals and I'm
00:04:20.340
the one sticking up for their rights here. These people are going to turn me into a PETA activist
00:04:24.460
before too long. Um, I think it gets even worse. Let's, let's keep watching.
00:04:29.160
That, that to me is creepy. That freaks me. I actually find, I'm not even kidding. I find
00:04:54.680
this deeply on a real visceral level. I find that very disturbing. That whole scene
00:04:59.360
because you see the look in the dog's face. I know. Oh, I just said we can't ascribe human
00:05:03.460
emotions and intentions to animals, but there, I think there are times when you can just tell
00:05:08.220
and the look on the dog's face was, was a look of saying, help me. He's pleading with
00:05:12.140
the camera to the pleading with the public, come and rescue me from this serial killer I'm
00:05:18.940
living with. Cause you know, the dog didn't shoot dogs. Don't lie down like that. That's
00:05:24.560
not how a dog went. She forced that dog to lay there. You know how many takes it probably
00:05:28.500
took. She's, she's got her belt out, whipping the dog, get into bed and be cute. That's what
00:05:36.280
happened. You don't see that part on camera. Listen, man, if you're dating a woman and she
00:05:40.060
has a little dog, like in fact, if she has a little dog at all, that's a good reason to
00:05:43.760
run away. But especially if she has a literal bed with a nightstand and a lamp that by the way,
00:05:48.300
the dog can't turn that lamp on and off, then that's a, that's a good indication that this
00:05:52.680
woman will murder you in your sleep. There's actually statistically it's, and there's been
00:05:56.780
studies on this statistically 95% of owners of small dogs have at least one human body
00:06:05.020
in a freezer in the basement. I don't know if you knew that, but that's, that's pure science
00:06:18.300
So the dog has a TV and a fireplace, you know, the vast majority of, and this is true. This is
00:06:33.300
like true. The vast majority of, of the world's population does not live as well as that dog.
00:06:39.520
And I don't mean that as a compliment to the owner. This is a larger systemic problem.
00:06:45.140
Did you know Americans, and this, this also is true. Americans spend close to a hundred billion
00:06:52.680
dollars a year on their pets. True figure. One hundred billion. We could solve world hunger
00:07:01.340
in a month. If you maniacs would stop taking your dog to the spa, that's all it would take.
00:07:07.980
Now, now's probably a good time to mention if you haven't, if I haven't already emphasized this,
00:07:25.600
that your dog is a dog. He's not your child. He's not your baby. There's nothing worse than people
00:07:33.360
when they talk about their, or they treat their dog like a child. And it's even worse when it's a
00:07:37.520
person who actually has kids. And you hear this all the time. Someone will say, oh, uh, you know,
00:07:42.820
we have three kids. And then you find out that, no, they have two kids and a labradoodle.
00:07:47.340
What you're saying is that you view your child as a, you view your children as dogs. It's not so
00:07:53.980
much elevating the dog to the status of human. You are, you are degrading. You are demoting the humans
00:08:00.780
in your families to the status of dogs. Um, okay. We've got a couple of others
00:08:05.080
that we'll play for some reason. Let's do that. Here's one of a dog bathing. This'll be fun.
00:08:09.660
What? Why? Rose petals in a bath for a dog. I've never understood the rose petals in the bath thing
00:08:33.280
at all. I don't understand baths at all. Like why would I want to sit in a stew of my own grime
00:08:39.640
and filth for 45 minutes? I don't see the point of that, but if you're going to do it, you know,
00:08:45.500
for, for a dog, you know, a dog, you just take the dog outside with a hose and that's it. Use some
00:08:50.940
Dawn dish soap, squirt the thing down, spray him with the hose done. You're done in two minutes.
00:08:57.100
Rose petals gives us a very uncomfortable sort of intimate sort of vibe.
00:09:00.340
And it, and it makes me concerned that things are happening in that home
00:09:04.360
that are illegal in 37 States, except Texas. Um, all right, let's, let's continue.
00:09:30.340
What you put that much effort into a meal for your dog and money that, that lunch probably cost
00:09:49.780
$115. And meanwhile, your dog would eat literal shit. Okay. That's what your dog would like to eat.
00:09:58.500
How long does it take? If that, if it takes that long to make your dog's lunch, how long does it
00:10:03.320
take you to make yours? Six hours? By the time you're ready to eat lunch, it's already dinner time.
00:10:07.260
Or maybe I'm, I'm, I could be, I'm getting this wrong because it's, it's, I wouldn't put it past
00:10:12.860
these self-flagellating obsessive dog owners, uh, to just, you know, they give the dog that meal
00:10:18.840
and then they eat dog food themselves. Cause these are the same people who always go on about,
00:10:22.780
Oh, we don't deserve dogs. We don't deserve them. This is why dogs are overrated. It's not about,
00:10:28.160
it's not about dogs themselves. Dogs are overrated because we, just because we rate them so high,
00:10:32.900
we rate them like literal angels. This is why, if you're going to own a pet, stick with something
00:10:37.780
simple, low maintenance, like, uh, I don't know, a sea sponge or an amoeba. I had a pet amoeba when I
00:10:44.540
was a kid. I couldn't see it, but I knew it was there. That was a good pet or just don't own pets at all.
00:10:51.820
That's also good. And live your life with dignity as a human at the top of the food chain,
00:10:57.100
where you belong, not debasing yourself in service to some lowly beast.