Matt Walsh Taste Tests Pumpkin Beers
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
184.01782
Summary
Happy Thanksgiving! On today's episode of the podcast, we're celebrating all things pumpkin spice. We have pumpkin spice beer, pre-cooked bacon, frozen meatloaf, and pumpkin spice latte. We also have disgusting food, which has nothing to do with the theme.
Transcript
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Okay, wonderful. So happy that we could be together today on, you know, as we celebrate
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Thanksgiving and we're well into the fall, we get into the holiday season, and that's a time
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when I guess a lot of people enjoy pumpkin spice everything. Now, I am against pumpkin spice for a
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number of reasons. The first is that pumpkin spice stuff doesn't taste like pumpkins at all.
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Have you ever actually eaten like a piece of a real pumpkin? It doesn't taste anything like
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pumpkin spice stuff. And it just tastes bad. And the other thing that I hate though also is
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beer is not beer. I love beer, but holiday themed or any kind of like creative flavor on a beer. I
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don't like any of that. And so my team here, of course, they hate me and they like to watch me
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suffer. They had an idea for content, which will be me trying different versions of pumpkin spice
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beer. Combining two things that I hate and like, let's let me suffer through it on camera. Now,
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I was told that just for a little bit of background, I was told that, well, why don't you taste some of
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the pumpkin spice beer and, you know, we'll use it for content. And I said, okay. And then I walk in
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here and what they didn't tell me is that we would also include disgusting food as well, which has
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nothing to do with the pumpkin spice theme. There's no reason why this was not explained to me. Why am I
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eating the food to go along with it? I don't understand that. And the worst thing is that the food we have
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foods that I like, but it's the worst kind of version of the foods that I like. So it's just
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an insult to me personally. Take offense to it. All right. So let's go through these. Our first one
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is pumpkin stout with pre-cooked bacon. Oh my God. That actually is really, really bad.
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It's very chemical. It's like a very, I don't even taste the pumpkin. I don't even taste pumpkin spice
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there at all. It's a very chemical, like almost it's like it's got a Drano. It's got a Drano
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flavor to it. I don't know if I'm being poisoned on camera. It's how desperate they are for content
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right here. That's going to kill me on camera. And then we've got the pre-cooked bacon, which
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obviously is going to be an insult. It's just what I thought. I mean, it's actually not that bad,
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really. I got to be honest with you. But pre-cooked, you know, that's actually better than I thought it was
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going to be. That's not too bad. I mean, it's, it's not, it's not real bacon, but if you had to
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choose between, if you don't have real bacon, you got to choose between no bacon or this stuff. I'd go
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with that stuff. That's actually not so bad. Okay. I'll give that a passing grade. Next we have pumpkin
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spice latte with frozen meatloaf. Has it been unfrozen at least for me? Oh dear God.
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That's not, what is that? That's not even beer. That's just tastes sour. It tastes like, um, like a
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candle. I feel like I'm tasting like a liquefied candle, a scented candle. I don't understand what
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there's no way anybody buys this stuff on purpose and drinks it. All right. Now we've got the frozen,
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the frozen meatloaf. Okay. Why are we doing this? What's the point of this part of this? This is not
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even Thanksgiving themed. Oh, they didn't even cook it. Thanks guys.
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You know, I actually have, I have like a successful podcast now. I don't need to be doing this stuff.
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Why am I doing this? Okay. We're not this desperate for content. Are we? I wouldn't even give that to
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my dog. I would not give that to my dog. I mean, I would, I hate my dog, but I wouldn't give that to
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a dog. I liked what the f**k. I could never be, I would starve rather than eat that. I would just
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die. Like I, like I've been broke in my life before and, but I've never been broke enough for
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Okay, this is pumpkin stout with canned chili. Literally in the can. Nobody does this. Nobody,
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what is this like depression era times right now? Who's eating? You can't even put it in a bowl for me
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first. Is that even safe to eat it like that? All right. I mean, that one's, man, that's bad.
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Okay. For a second, I thought it was tolerable, and then I realized, no. So there's a brief moment
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with this when it hits the front of your palate, and you're like, that's not terrible, but then the
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despair is that it washes over your palate, the despair. So there's the aftertaste of despair that
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comes with it. And then we got this. Do I really have, do you need to see me eating cold canned
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chili out of a, right out of the can? Like I'm on a, like I'm on a, a merchant ship in the 1400s?
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Okay. Yep. That's terrible. Just as I suspected. And I love chili. Like this is, this is,
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this is blasphemy to me to make me eat that. And they know that too, that chili is my, it's my,
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it's my, one of my great loves in life. And I don't have very many. And then you've just forced
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me to endure that. That's bad. Finally, pumpkin donut harpoon. This is a pumpkin donut beer with a
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jelly donut. And I love donuts, but my least favorite kind of donut is a jelly donut. Anytime
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there's a box of donuts in the office, whoever gets them, they always get at least two jelly
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donuts and the two jelly donuts are always sitting there last. Like someone is forced to eat them
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because all the better donuts went before them. But my point is that just skip that. Why take up
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real estate in a donut box with the donut that's always last because nobody wants it? Just substitute
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that for just a regular glazed donut. The glazed donuts go first because everyone likes a glazed,
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no one dislikes a glazed donut. Okay. Pumpkin donut harpoon.
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Yeah. It's like a, it's like, it tastes a little bit like a pump. I never even had a pumpkin spice
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latte, but it tastes a little bit like a pumpkin spice latte that's been sitting for three weeks,
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like in someone's garage, you know, old tin bucket. And then you come in and drink it. That's what it
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tastes like to me. So I don't like it. In other words, is what I'm trying to say. All right. Then I,
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so you need to see me eating a jelly donut just for, why? Do I have to do this?
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Oh, whoops. I just spilled on it by accident. Well, we can't do that.
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Um, Oh man, that's a, we could reshoot this entire thing, but I don't think we want to do that. We've
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had enough time for that. So that's it. I just, I spilled on it by accident. It was an accident.
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That's it. I'm not eating the jelly donut. You don't need to see me eat the jelly donut. Okay.
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I don't like them. There's no reason why I have to eat it. It's not like that's good content to see
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Matt. Like everyone come and watch Matt eat a donut. All right, fine. Damn it. Fine. I'll just eat it.
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I'll eat it dipped in beer. Maybe that makes it better.
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Nope. Doesn't make it better. Makes it worse. Actually turns out. So don't spill beer on your
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donut. It does not improve the flavor at all, but not that, you know, it can't get any worse than a
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jelly donut. All right. I'm getting irrationally angry through this entire thing. And so that's it.