The Matt Walsh Show - December 24, 2022


Matt Walsh Tries Vegan Milk And Cookies...and likes it？


Episode Stats

Length

9 minutes

Words per Minute

175.05597

Word Count

1,616

Sentence Count

164

Hate Speech Sentences

2


Summary

It's Christmas time, and what better way to celebrate than with a taste test of fake milk and fake cookies? Well, guess what? It's not cookies or milk. It's fake milk, and it's fake cookies.


Transcript

00:00:00.080 What the f***? People would eat this on purpose?
00:00:02.740 If you leave this f*** for Santa Claus, you're not getting any presents this year.
00:00:10.300 Christmas time, and what is something you think about Christmas time?
00:00:13.340 You think about Santa Claus, and you think about Santa Claus,
00:00:16.080 you think about milk and cookies that we all leave out for Santa Claus,
00:00:19.340 and it's a wonderful, joyous thing.
00:00:23.340 And of course, my producers, because they hate me,
00:00:26.440 are always thinking of ways that we can take wonderful and joyous things
00:00:29.600 and make them miserable and force me to suffer for the enjoyment of the audience.
00:00:36.120 And so that's what we're doing today.
00:00:37.320 Instead of, you know, doing a taste test of regular milk and regular cookies,
00:00:41.620 I don't know if that would be good content, but I would enjoy it anyway.
00:00:44.580 Instead, we have fake milk and fake cookies.
00:00:47.360 Okay, this is like the vegan fake stuff.
00:00:49.900 We've got different kinds.
00:00:51.100 They call it milk, but it's actually not really milk.
00:00:54.420 Milk, by definition, is a dairy product that is secreted by mammals.
00:01:02.140 So milk is a mammal's secretions.
00:01:05.820 It should say that on the damn carton.
00:01:08.740 And if what you're drinking is not secreted from a mammal...
00:01:12.060 Stop saying that word!
00:01:13.160 ...then it's not milk.
00:01:14.720 It's a cashew milk, coconut milk, walnut milk.
00:01:18.180 That's like nut juice, okay?
00:01:20.440 There's a difference between nut juice and mammal secretions.
00:01:23.160 I can understand why maybe they don't call it nut juice, as I'm saying it out loud.
00:01:26.620 But still, it's what it really is.
00:01:27.940 So we've got that, and then we've got different kinds of vegan cookies.
00:01:31.520 And we'll...
00:01:32.180 Who knows?
00:01:33.000 Maybe I'll try one of these, and I'll say,
00:01:34.580 you know, being a vegan isn't so bad.
00:01:37.360 All right.
00:01:38.200 We'll start with cashew milk and keto chocolate chip.
00:01:42.120 I don't even know what keto is.
00:01:43.280 I mean, I've heard it, but is that a...
00:01:45.860 So that's like a non-dairy thing?
00:01:47.940 Is that what it is?
00:01:49.300 Okay.
00:01:49.800 So this is a cookie without carbs.
00:01:57.060 It's not even convincing.
00:01:58.400 Like, nothing...
00:01:59.140 That's the other thing.
00:01:59.800 And people that drink this stuff, they always say,
00:02:01.100 oh, it tastes just like real milk.
00:02:02.440 You ever had real milk?
00:02:03.340 This is not...
00:02:04.560 It tastes like...
00:02:07.280 Yeah, it tastes like...
00:02:09.420 It takes like if you had a bottle of water,
00:02:11.640 and you put a bunch of cashews in it,
00:02:13.700 and you left it, like, in your car for three days,
00:02:17.360 and then drank the water that's been stewing around with the cashews.
00:02:20.920 That's what it tastes like.
00:02:22.680 All right.
00:02:22.920 Next, we have...
00:02:23.980 And as for the cookie, this is the keto carb-free cookie.
00:02:27.440 This doesn't even look like a cookie.
00:02:28.980 I don't know what this looks like.
00:02:30.100 It's, like, got a yellowish, almost, tint to it.
00:02:33.420 It's spongy.
00:02:35.640 Oh, no, it's terrible.
00:02:41.640 Okay.
00:02:42.220 It fools you for a second.
00:02:44.500 Just for a moment, I'm trying it.
00:02:46.380 I'm like, well, this isn't too bad.
00:02:47.560 No, no, at the end.
00:02:48.320 You feel it on the back end.
00:02:49.740 I don't know what this is made of,
00:02:51.380 but it's not food.
00:02:52.980 You know, at the very end of it,
00:02:54.700 kind of the aftertaste,
00:02:55.680 you can tell that you're eating something
00:02:57.120 that's not meant to be consumed by human beings.
00:02:59.560 And at the end of the day, it tastes like it looks.
00:03:01.860 It tastes like a sponge.
00:03:02.600 It tastes like if you just grab a sponge,
00:03:04.900 maybe put a little bit of chocolate syrup on it,
00:03:06.640 and take a bite of that,
00:03:08.240 and that's what this tastes like.
00:03:08.940 Next, we have plant-based milk
00:03:11.900 and gluten-free chocolate chip.
00:03:14.520 But it's not milk, though,
00:03:15.600 because is a plant a mammal?
00:03:17.380 No, it's not.
00:03:18.920 Do we know what plant this is coming from?
00:03:21.020 Can I at least know that?
00:03:21.700 So just any plant,
00:03:24.120 is that what it says on the carton?
00:03:26.640 There are millions of kinds of plants out there.
00:03:28.680 Who would ever,
00:03:29.280 in what other context,
00:03:30.180 would you just,
00:03:31.080 what if someone was,
00:03:32.140 there's like a salad,
00:03:33.420 and all it says is plants.
00:03:36.240 You're at Olive Garden,
00:03:37.500 and you're looking at the salad menu,
00:03:39.340 and there's the plant salad.
00:03:41.100 I want to know what kind of plant this is.
00:03:48.440 Whatever plant it is,
00:03:49.540 it tastes like s***.
00:03:50.160 It's the s*** plant,
00:03:51.020 is what it is.
00:03:53.760 That's like a Pepto-Bismol.
00:03:55.280 It's like,
00:03:55.700 is this even milk?
00:03:56.640 Is this,
00:03:57.240 this tastes like,
00:03:57.880 it tastes like something,
00:03:58.780 it's got a chalky,
00:04:00.800 like a Pepto thing going on.
00:04:03.860 All right,
00:04:04.040 now we have the gluten-free cookie.
00:04:09.020 Yeah, it's not bad.
00:04:09.880 I mean,
00:04:10.120 it's bad,
00:04:10.780 don't get me wrong.
00:04:11.640 But if you're talking about like,
00:04:12.820 the store-bought Chips Ahoy,
00:04:15.200 you know,
00:04:15.440 which I would never eat that kind of cookie,
00:04:16.580 in the first place,
00:04:17.240 but,
00:04:17.640 this is a step below that.
00:04:19.960 It's definitely not good.
00:04:20.980 I still,
00:04:21.720 I'm not just saying this to be funny,
00:04:22.900 I have no idea what gluten is,
00:04:24.600 but whatever it is,
00:04:26.000 I love it.
00:04:26.760 It's great.
00:04:27.260 Because,
00:04:27.760 any food I've ever had,
00:04:29.560 that excludes it,
00:04:31.180 tastes like garbage.
00:04:32.220 So,
00:04:32.500 I don't know what,
00:04:33.340 gluten is the magic fairy dust,
00:04:35.200 that makes food,
00:04:36.640 not taste like garbage,
00:04:37.720 I guess.
00:04:38.560 If I have a gluten allergy,
00:04:39.860 well,
00:04:40.120 if I had a gluten allergy,
00:04:41.260 I would just,
00:04:41.760 I would just deal with it.
00:04:43.160 I would,
00:04:43.620 I would deal with the consequences.
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00:05:44.180 All right,
00:05:44.840 what's next?
00:05:45.960 Flax milk,
00:05:46.960 and vegan chocolate chip cookie.
00:05:49.120 I don't know,
00:05:49.740 what flax is either.
00:05:50.980 Can someone tell me,
00:05:51.540 what flax is?
00:05:53.060 You plant flax seed,
00:05:54.320 in the ground,
00:05:54.660 what do you get?
00:05:56.360 So you just get more seeds?
00:05:57.600 It just,
00:05:57.920 it just makes,
00:05:58.700 seeds erupt,
00:05:59.840 out of the ground?
00:06:00.260 Yeah.
00:06:00.480 Yeah.
00:06:00.540 Yeah.
00:06:00.680 Yeah.
00:06:00.760 Yeah.
00:06:00.800 Yeah.
00:06:00.860 Yeah.
00:06:00.880 Yeah.
00:06:00.940 Yeah.
00:06:01.360 Yeah.
00:06:01.380 Yeah.
00:06:01.940 Yeah.
00:06:02.380 Oh my God.
00:06:06.420 That's terrible.
00:06:08.540 That is really,
00:06:09.520 really bad.
00:06:10.200 There's no way anyone chooses to drink this.
00:06:13.060 What,
00:06:13.300 and what,
00:06:13.800 why would you do that to yourself?
00:06:15.380 I just don't drink the milk.
00:06:16.580 Like,
00:06:16.740 you don't need this in your life.
00:06:18.180 Why would you ever need this in your life?
00:06:19.840 That's what I don't understand.
00:06:20.720 If you,
00:06:21.040 if you like milk,
00:06:23.380 but you can't drink it because you're lactose intolerant or something like that,
00:06:26.420 and this is the only option,
00:06:28.140 you're just better,
00:06:28.560 just don't have the milk.
00:06:29.620 This is like,
00:06:30.260 this is barnyard.
00:06:31.440 This has a,
00:06:33.400 tastes like it was made out of hay.
00:06:36.220 It's like a bunch of hay that's on the,
00:06:38.340 been sitting around decomposing in a,
00:06:40.400 in a barn somewhere.
00:06:42.500 That's bad.
00:06:43.380 Okay.
00:06:44.780 The vegan chocolate chip cookie.
00:06:46.620 So that means it has no butter,
00:06:48.160 no eggs,
00:06:48.720 like all of the best parts of the cookie is not in here.
00:06:54.020 Hmm.
00:06:54.600 Wait a sec.
00:06:57.580 It was not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be.
00:06:59.280 I'm not saying it's good,
00:07:02.300 but I'm a little bit,
00:07:03.040 um,
00:07:03.740 I'm having all kinds of strange feelings now.
00:07:06.720 I don't know what's happening to me.
00:07:08.200 How are you?
00:07:09.100 The vegan cookie is not terrible.
00:07:10.520 I mean,
00:07:10.740 I,
00:07:11.080 I,
00:07:11.240 well,
00:07:14.420 I need to think more about that.
00:07:18.280 Cause I'm just telling you,
00:07:19.120 it's not terrible.
00:07:19.600 It's like a,
00:07:20.020 it's a C minus,
00:07:21.020 you know?
00:07:21.420 Um,
00:07:23.340 all right.
00:07:24.020 Finally,
00:07:24.640 walnut milk and flax chocolate chip cookies.
00:07:27.620 So I don't even know what the hell flax is,
00:07:29.100 but I'm going to be consuming it again.
00:07:30.920 I'm actually starting to feel sick.
00:07:32.400 I have like that,
00:07:32.900 whatever the opposite of lactose intolerant is.
00:07:35.100 I have an intolerance for things that are supposed to be lactose and aren't.
00:07:42.660 That just,
00:07:43.320 that's just pure walnuts.
00:07:44.420 That's just tastes like walnuts.
00:07:45.540 That's liquefied walnuts.
00:07:46.940 It's not even,
00:07:47.460 you can see the,
00:07:48.000 you can't see it in the camera,
00:07:49.140 but it's like a,
00:07:49.840 it's a darker brown consistency.
00:07:52.960 All right.
00:07:54.300 Finally,
00:07:54.840 this is our flax chocolate chip cookie.
00:07:57.760 And I have a feeling this is going to be truly terrible.
00:08:05.360 That's not,
00:08:06.760 what the f***?
00:08:09.480 That is so bad.
00:08:11.500 People would eat this on purpose.
00:08:13.640 I don't even know how to describe that.
00:08:15.320 It definitely tastes like flaxseed.
00:08:16.840 And I don't even know what it is.
00:08:19.040 That's,
00:08:20.240 oh,
00:08:20.500 and it's even worse on the aftertaste.
00:08:22.300 It lingers with you.
00:08:23.380 It doesn't,
00:08:23.760 it doesn't,
00:08:24.000 it doesn't let you,
00:08:25.020 it clings on.
00:08:25.780 It doesn't let you escape.
00:08:29.080 Okay.
00:08:30.520 Well,
00:08:30.880 good.
00:08:31.540 So the lesson here is that,
00:08:33.460 uh,
00:08:34.100 if you leave this f*** for Santa Claus,
00:08:37.200 um,
00:08:37.640 you're not getting any presents this year.
00:08:40.620 Okay.
00:08:41.140 Merry Christmas.
00:08:46.640 Mm.
00:08:47.900 Thank you.
00:08:48.200 Europos.
00:08:50.140 Bye.
00:08:50.840 Bye.
00:08:51.120 Bye.
00:08:52.600 Bye.
00:08:53.920 Bye.
00:09:12.940 Bye.
00:09:13.040 Bye.