The Matt Walsh Show - More Relationship Advice For The Reddit Crowd

00:00:00.000 So today we're going to go back to the Reddit relationship forum and answer some more questions

00:00:04.440 from some more hopelessly clueless people looking for relationship guidance on Reddit.

00:00:09.640 And look, you guys know I'm coming at this from the perspective of a married man 10 years in,

00:00:14.360 four kids. So, you know, I think I'm pretty realistic if nothing else. My advice may not

00:00:19.540 be comforting, may not be polite, it may not be correct, but I'm going to give it to you straight.

00:00:24.800 So let's take a look. First question. I feel like my girlfriend is cheating on me and 0.99

00:00:29.840 messaging other guys on Instagram. Does anyone know how I can get into her account since she

00:00:34.540 doesn't give me her phone and changes the topic every time? By the way, there are no periods or

00:00:39.380 any punctuation at all in that whole question. Anyway, is your girlfriend cheating on you?

00:00:45.520 Probably. Yeah, she probably is. I mean, chances are pretty good. Look, it's not her responsibility

00:00:49.660 to hand her phone over to you in the first place. She's not your child. But if you're noticing some

00:00:54.200 weird secrecy around phones and messaging and that sort of thing, 99% chance that it's exactly

00:01:01.100 what you think it is, I hate to tell you. So this is one where I would say probably best to break up.

00:01:08.020 Probably heading that way anyway, regardless of the cheating or the potential cheating. So I would

00:01:12.960 simply break up. Okay, next question. So I've been on three dates with this girl and we're really

00:01:17.940 clicking and I really like her and she just agreed to a fourth date tomorrow and it's been about less

00:01:22.360 than two weeks since we started talking. Point is, every now and then she goes off for a good

00:01:26.380 few hours and I don't know. I'm in all sorts of stress. I don't want to say anything to her about

00:01:31.480 it because I don't want to overwhelm or seem needy, but I need to be able to healthily deal with this

00:01:35.620 and I just instantly run through scenarios that she's not into me or so-and-so.

00:01:40.500 Are some people just not into texting? I don't know. Do I just need to chill the F out? Listen,

00:01:46.620 there's nothing more repulsive to a woman than neediness in a man. That is the most repulsive

00:01:52.760 trait is to be needy. So you are being repulsive in the eyes of this woman. Well, the problem is 0.99

00:02:00.660 that phones and text messaging and all of that stuff just ignites this kind of neediness in people.

00:02:06.000 So I'm not really blaming you for this. And like everyone is like this to a certain extent at this

00:02:11.900 point, not just in relationships. The very fact that the other person has their phone on them at

00:02:17.000 all times means that you feel like, and not just you, but universally, you feel like you're entitled

00:02:22.440 to their attention all the time because they have on them the means by which you can get their

00:02:28.000 attention, right? But you aren't. I mean, you can't just barge in on someone at all hours of the day,

00:02:34.020 relentlessly, whenever you feel like it, and expect that they'll drop everything they're doing

00:02:37.240 and respond to you. It's insane, but it's an insanity that you're in, you're in good company

00:02:42.000 because like most of the country, this is how they operate. If they send a text message,

00:02:46.000 they expect an immediate response. You know, I frequently get text messages and I don't respond

00:02:50.700 to them for days. I treat text messages like, like they're letters and I'm living on the frontier

00:02:56.860 in 1835 and the mail comes by horseback every four months. I give myself that kind of time

00:03:05.160 to respond to a text message. That's what I do. You know why? Because I don't owe you a response.

00:03:10.800 I don't owe you my attention. I'm doing something. I'm in the middle of something. Leave me alone.

00:03:16.720 Or maybe I'm in the middle of nothing. Maybe I'm literally just sitting on a chair, staring at a wall

00:03:22.540 and you send me a text message. You know what I'm still going to do? I'm going to look at my phone

00:03:26.620 and just put it down and not respond. Because I don't feel like talking right now. If I felt like

00:03:31.420 talking, I'd be texting you. You see? Look, the point is this girl doesn't exist simply to respond 1.00

00:03:38.100 to you. If you want that, go ask for a date from Siri. Okay. See if Alexa is still single. 1.00

00:03:45.460 You want a human being, then let them live a life apart from your constant surveillance.

00:03:52.380 Get a grip. But yeah, she might be cheating on you too. That's also possible. All right.

00:03:57.120 This says, my boyfriend and I are compatible, but not soulmates. Not sure what to do.

00:04:02.620 When we first met, I knew he wasn't the one for me. We have literally nothing in common.

00:04:06.760 He likes football, computers, staying home, quiet time movies. I like adventuring, outdoors,

00:04:12.800 art, exploring. Okay. So when you first met, you knew he wasn't the one for you, but you started

00:04:17.160 dating. Got it. Good, good, good plan. When we go out and do anything together, it's never fun.

00:04:22.640 It's never spontaneous. Okay. So let me stop again. You met this guy. You knew he wasn't the

00:04:28.140 one for you. You never once had fun with him. And yet you decided to date him. Okay. It's never

00:04:34.380 anything we both like to do. The only activity we can both agree on is watching TV. We have

00:04:38.980 differing senses of humor. I can't remember the last time he's genuinely made me laugh. Okay. Let me

00:04:42.720 stop again. You met this guy. You knew he wasn't the one for you. You never had fun with him. He

00:04:46.140 never made you laugh yet. You still dated him. Okay. I'm not saying he has no sense of humor. He tells jokes

00:04:50.400 that I can chuckle at, but I can never have that deep belly laugh. I know I'm supposed to want to

00:04:54.600 be with him. And I do. I find it comforting to always have someone by your side at all times.

00:04:58.640 I love him with all my heart, but I know deep down that we will never be able to just get each other.

00:05:02.760 And I crave that so, so, so much. When I see couples on social media or in real life,

00:05:07.080 sharing the same type of humor, looking completely at ease with each other, I feel deeply resentful.

00:05:11.240 I feel like that feeling of romantic bliss was taken from me. It wasn't taken from you. You chose

00:05:16.280 a different path. You chose not to pursue it. Nothing was taken from you. This is a choice that

00:05:21.180 you made yourself. Don't blame anybody else. It's not this guy's fault for being how he is.

00:05:26.880 You knew how he was. You know who he was, how he was. You chose to date him. So it sounds like you're

00:05:32.200 just not into this guy and you weren't from the beginning. So the answer is to break up. Obviously,

00:05:36.340 you never should have been in the relationship to begin with. And by the way, no, you don't love him with

00:05:40.020 all your heart and soul. This is a common theme that I read a lot on Reddit. And I hear from people too,

00:05:44.700 like, yeah, you know, I'm with this person and I don't get along with them. I'm not into them.

00:05:49.660 I have no interest in them at all. And I want to leave them, but I love them deeply. No, no, you

00:05:55.900 don't. I mean, you obviously don't. That's not really what loving someone is all about, unless you

00:06:00.500 mean in like the universal empathetic sense of love in the same way that you, you know, love your

00:06:05.180 neighbor type of thing, but you don't love them in any way aside from that. With that said, 0.96

00:06:09.740 another point, of course, he's not your soulmate. Nobody is your soulmate. You have no soulmate.

00:06:19.660 If, if by soulmate, you mean somebody who you were destined to be with somebody who's, whose fate is

00:06:26.720 tied to yours, like it's written in the stars. Okay. That doesn't exist at all. I'll tell you when you

00:06:33.980 meet your soulmate at the altar in marriage. Okay. You become a soulmate when you say I do.

00:06:41.820 And your souls at that point become bonded through that shared commitment. That's when the soulmate,

00:06:49.260 that's when you become someone's soulmate is in marriage, but not before that. And this is a really

00:06:54.780 important thing to realize. You know why? Because if you go on thinking that you're looking for that

00:06:59.400 one individual person who the universe wants you to be with, then, then what happens when you do meet

00:07:06.080 somebody and you marry them? And then after the marriage, you meet someone else and you say, oh,

00:07:12.400 wait a second. No, this other dude is my soulmate. Turns out I married the wrong person. That's when

00:07:20.200 affairs happen, betrayal, heartbreak, all because of this ridiculous Disney idea of soulmates.

00:07:27.340 There are no soulmates. Pre-marriage. The problem with this guy isn't that he isn't your soulmate.

00:07:34.440 It's that you don't like him at all. And you never did. And yet you dated him. Nicely done.

00:07:41.460 This one says, we've been together for six years. And throughout those, I always put all my energy

00:07:45.860 into this relationship. He wouldn't initiate more than two minutes of chat per day on his own.

00:07:50.520 And if I tell him it bothers me that only I make sure our relationship consists of more than that,

00:07:55.200 he gets angry with me. I've spent the past week trying to match up to his amount and it's been

00:07:59.780 very distant and he seems to be okay with it. I can't communicate with him about it because he

00:08:03.960 gets very angry. And I've tried many times over the last six years. I don't know if it's a reasonable

00:08:08.040 cause to break up though. And after so long, we're also supposed to move in together in a month.

00:08:12.820 I just know I've been really unhappy and I don't know what to do. Moving in together is a terrible

00:08:17.680 idea to do. That's a terrible idea before marriage. Don't do that. If you're not married to someone,

00:08:21.780 you don't need to be around them 24-7. Trying to play fake marriage, to play house with someone

00:08:25.780 is a bad idea. It doesn't work out. I wouldn't do that. But in any case, as for your issue here,

00:08:31.740 look, there's no use in trying to even the talking score with a guy. As a woman, you are going to do 1.00

00:08:38.700 almost all the talking because you're the woman. That's your job. Men could go literally eight 0.89

00:08:44.240 months at a stretch and never say a word to anyone if you let them. I used to live alone before I got

00:08:49.900 married. And if I didn't have plans over the weekend, which I didn't most of the time,

00:08:55.120 I could literally stay at home and go the whole weekend without saying a single word to anybody.

00:08:59.860 My wife could not do that. The words accumulate in her brain. And if she doesn't let them out, 1.00

00:09:06.700 if she doesn't open the valve and let them out, then her brain would explode. 0.99

00:09:10.040 So this is why I always thought, by the way, that Cast Away, the movie, got it wrong. Because a man

00:09:18.320 could easily live on a deserted island for three years with no social interaction and be fine.

00:09:24.620 It's a woman who would need to make friends with a volleyball. 1.00

00:09:27.180 And it would be a tumultuous, it'd be like a tumultuous friendship too. You know,

00:09:32.420 very hot and cold. They'd have a falling out for a few weeks, a lot of fights. She'd start talking

00:09:37.960 behind the volleyball's back to like the coconuts. There'd be all kinds of complex social interactions

00:09:43.880 and dynamics on the island, even though there's only one human there. A man on the island would be

00:09:49.580 fine. He'd be rescued after three years and the rescuer would run up on the island and say,

00:09:54.400 hey, we found you. We've been looking for you for three years. And he would go, really? It's

00:09:58.040 for three years? Did I just get here last week? Finally, this says, this is pretty weird and makes

00:10:05.000 me feel bad, but I can't help it. And I'm concerned it highlights something underneath. Basically,

00:10:10.100 whenever my significant other gets me a present or recommends me a movie, things like that,

00:10:13.680 I tend to dislike it immediately without giving it the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes in very

00:10:18.160 irrational ways, like say they get me a book I wanted to read or a present I was actually planning on

00:10:23.060 buying myself, I'll be reading it or using the present and subconsciously looking for reasons

00:10:26.800 to dislike it in a way I know I wouldn't if I had gotten it myself, as if it coming from the other

00:10:32.740 person created a dark cloud in my brain or something. I usually try to hide these feelings.

00:10:37.520 I just can't relax and enjoy the thing and judge it the way I would if I had bought it or chose it

00:10:41.800 myself. It happened in the past with other people like members of my family and friends,

00:10:45.460 but much more intensely with my partner. Has anyone experienced something similar? It's a huge problem

00:10:49.900 because it often gets in the way of us connecting or enjoying stuff together. 0.99

00:10:53.640 Yeah, this is called being a miserable, narcissistic person. This would be my advice 0.98

00:10:57.440 if I was your therapist and you were laying down on the couch and describing this. I would just say,

00:11:01.840 stop being that. It's bad. Don't be that way. That'll be $100, please. And also probably you should break up.

The Matt Walsh Show - March 18, 2021

More Relationship Advice For The Reddit Crowd

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