'My Husband Constantly Complains' Matt Walsh Gives Advice
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218.6287
Summary
In this episode, we discuss the common toddler phase of whining and crying and how to deal with it. How do you discipline a toddler when they become so defiant about everything? What do you do when they start testing boundaries and trying to get you to do something you're not sure what to do about it?
Transcript
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he's kind and he's funny and he's also mustachioed he solves all your problems by the end of every
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episode tv dad everyone loves tv dad well we got some questions uh in the inbox asking for advice
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okay from anonymous our daughter and middle child is going through the common toddler phase of
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whining and crying and is super defiant s-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-p-p-p-p-p-e-r-r-r-r so super
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super defiant about everything what do i do i feel like i'm always getting after her to quit acting
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that way but i feel like i'm talking to a brick wall is this something i need to fix in myself
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or our daughter is this middle child behavior toddler behavior girl behavior or a combination
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of all three thanks for everything and thank you sean for asking matt the question sean's not here
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thank you sean for asking matt the question you definitely need it you definitely need and
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deserve a raise uh okay so this is uh uh this is toddler behavior that's what the toddler years
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are all about and uh girl or boy you know we've we've gone through this as you know with several
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kids and uh and it's it's the same thing toddlers are toddlers you know saying things like you said
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you get after her to quit acting that way and we all we all lapse into this sometimes you know it's
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just natural as a parent but saying something like quit knock it off like to actually say that
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to a toddler is totally pointless it doesn't they it doesn't mean anything to them and what we also
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have to remember with with children at that age is that uh is is that you know their brains are very
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far from fully developed and so they're actually not they're not they're not capable of controlling
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themselves perfectly all the time and really nobody is even adults no one is perfect about it
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but for for for toddlers you know it's like they're this is why people talk about the terrible
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twos and everything i think i think that the terrible two phase is way overblown but the reason
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why you can and i also you know not to be like the overly sensitive type i'm not usually that but i
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also i don't love putting a label like terrible onto a whole phase of life especially when they're
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little kids you know i don't think that's quite fair you sure about that you sure about that
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but you know you have this kind of perfect storm where they're um obviously moving around now
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completely and they're walking around and so they have their um they're able to you know move around
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that way um and they're able to develop like they they've kind of figured out that there is an option
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to say no you know when they're younger like when a kid's like one one year old or something
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they haven't even quite figured out that that knows even an option
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and then now they're kind of figuring that out and they're they're starting to test boundaries a
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little bit does it feel good ah so you've got that going on they can speak now but they don't have all
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of their language skills developed yet so they're not able to really explain themselves and what
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they're actually feeling have you ever had the dreams that that you um you had you you what you
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could you do and so they can be frustrated about something and they don't even know what they're
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frustrated about and they're not able to explain it to you it's all these things come together to
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create the toddler temper tensions but that's also why just saying hey pipe down stop it like
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stop it it doesn't do anything okay you know what you need to relax they can hear that they're not
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going to say oh oh i should stop it well okay then father i will stop it right away so what do we do
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about it i think that um the first thing is to is to realize that this is a natural part of childhood
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doesn't doesn't mean that we accept it all the time it doesn't mean you let your kid act crazy all
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the time uh but to realize that it is part of a natural development process so it's not like um
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it's not it's not it's not a problem in the sense of something you need to worry about that it's a
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it's a reflection of what's going to be in the future this is just a toddler but as i said you also
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don't let them i can let them run the house and you you do still want to teach them discipline and all
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of that so um i think that involves on your end just being firm and being consistent and being
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simple in the instructions that you give to the child um and if you put rewards in place if you
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put punishments in place being consistent about those things so firmness consistency patience
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being calm you know yelling at a toddler never works it does it's not going to get the reaction
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that you want hey i want a lawyer i am the law parents yell sometimes it happens but it's not
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actually going to to help the situation that's just you letting off steam and also we are modeling
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this is the biggest challenge for parents and i always have to remind myself of this because i'm
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far from perfect as a parent but uh it is true that the best thing i can do for my kids is actually
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model the behavior that i want to see in them so yes i'm going to set rules in place and i'm going to
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say this is what you need to do and i'm going to give instructions and we're going to do all that as a
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parent but we also have to model it and so particularly for a toddler if you want them to
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be patient if you want them to control their emotions if you want them to um listen to
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instructions if you want all that stuff out of a toddler the best way to get it is to show that and
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i think for a lot of parents they get overwhelmed by the toddler phase and they start getting angry
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and they yell a lot um but now you're you're just demonstrating that to the kid and so you're saying
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something but they don't hear that all they see is what you're doing and so now they're emulating it
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um so leading by example is and then and things like you know redirecting i think is often a good
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strategy for for toddlers they really want something they're freaking out about it because they can't get
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it redirect them to something else doesn't mean that you're bribing them all the time you know i'm
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not saying that they're freaking out because they want to do something you don't want to do it and
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you say oh here's a lollipop and you try to bribe them that's that's not going to be a good
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strategy but redirecting them to something their energies to something more something better uh
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and ignoring is all is is a tool in the parenting arsenal that has to be used sometimes uh as long
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as you know that you know you've addressed their concern they're not hurt there's nothing serious
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going on um they're still having an attitude having a temper tantrum sometimes it's like you
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gotta just ignore it in certain circumstances not not like when you're out at the grocery store and
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they're having a temper tantrum and you let them do it and disrupt everybody around you that's when
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you have to get them out of the situation but um there are circumstances where you do that like
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yesterday when i was putting my three-year-old down for for bed and uh she was very very upset
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about going to bed even though it was actually past her bedtime and i did try to explain that to
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her i said this is 30 minutes past your bedtime so you know you should be should be thanking me
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but for some reason she was not persuaded by that she's very upset about going to bed
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and uh she was not a full-on meltdown but she was like whining about it and you know i explained to
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her this is bedtime you're going to bed brought her up gave her a kiss said goodnight
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left her let and she was still whining but i'm not going to sit there and negotiate with you it's
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like this is bedtime and then and then i left and she was fine and she got over you know men hate
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all right from ray says dear matt please help me figure out my marriage i've been married just over
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five years and have four kids five and under we recently moved states to utah he's got a better
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job here and i don't have to work i used to be the heavy earner i love being able to stay at home with
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my three little boys and my nursing baby girl i cook all the meals to save money the house is clean
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i homeschool and i'm involved in several church groups i don't dump all the hardships of my daily
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life on my husband because of your advice not to do this good advice if i do say so myself i share
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stories of the sweet things our little babies do and general news and some fun things i think that
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he'd like to hear about that's all very good my husband constantly complains he complains about
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work he complains that we have to buy a house in this state how it'll be so expensive and he'll have
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to pay for it alone he complains about the kids interrupting him while he's looking at the phone
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he complains about stubbing his toe he complains about the weather i try not to be hurt or offended by
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this because we did leave his childhood home to come here i had to leave mine when we were married
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because california is not a good place it's just so so hard to stay positive if i'm happy when he comes home
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he'll say things like well i'm glad you're happy because that commute is an absolute killer
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then he'll keep on about little things like the food being pricey or the beer being the wrong kind
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the baby being cranky until i'm crying then he'll say well you wanted to move here so stop crying
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i don't know what to do i try so hard to be supportive and uncomplaining but i can't i can tell
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he's really unhappy i've asked him to try to give me the same courtesy of being just happy when he comes
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home but he says then he just says what i'm not allowed to have feelings now then he'll yell at our
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boys or for whatever they're doing what do i say what do i do i don't even know where to start
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i want to be supportive but i actually hate being around him because of how much he nags at me and
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yells at the kids please advise so the first thing always is to look at yourself that that's the first
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person you can control in your marriage it's the only person you can directly control in the in the
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entire universe so that's always the first place that you want to look and i'm not saying this is
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your fault i don't know anything about you so um you have presented a pretty one-sided version of
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events here and it could be totally accurate no indication that it isn't but um nine times out of
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ten or maybe like 9.9 times out of ten you hear a story like this if i were to talk to your husband
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he would have his own tale of woe uh related to you and and what you do and um that that would also
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probably be rather one-sided and then between those two pictures maybe we would get a clearer picture
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of what the truth is and that's not again not any criticism of you that's just how people are
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you know that's that's how that's how i tell anybody is um if i were to complain about somebody
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in my life and you talk to that person they would have their own complaints that's the way it goes so
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the way that you have laid this out this version of the story he comes he's totally the bad guy
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he's being completely unreasonable you are not you know you're trying to be happy and supportive and
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you're doing all these things at home and the house is clean you're making food you're taking care of
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the kids and you're happy to see him and you're you tell him happy stories and and all of that and
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but he's complaining all the time about everything he's whiny and self-pitying my only point is that
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as a matter of statistics uh it's very likely that the story is not as one-sided as you
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have made it out to be boom roasted so i would look at yourself is it actually true this is this is this
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is this true or is this a story you're telling about yourself and then after you've you've done that
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inventory um you know there is a question about is there something else going on in his life
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you know is this is this just childish whining or is there something more serious going on is
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something going on at work um some major stress some major burden that he's carrying that he doesn't
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want to tell you about uh because he doesn't want to put it on your shoulders but then unfortunately
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he's not putting that on your shoulders but then he's he's putting everything else on your
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shoulders because it comes out in these little ways that's a possibility i would try to talk to him
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about that once you have covered those bases um and if it is true that this is basically a one-sided
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thing there's nothing else more serious going on with him um then we are left with in that case
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that on his part this is this is just simply self-centeredness this is being a being super whiny
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and and being self-pitying you know this is someone who wants pity who wants attention and wants pity
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and there are people like that in the world there are a lot of people like that and unfortunately
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there are men like that um and it is uh a real problem especially when men become this way because
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it's not respectable it's not respectable behavior it's very hard to respect someone
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who's who desires pity all the time and uh even when you're trying to have a positive conversation
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you're telling him about the kids and he and all he wants to do is complain he doesn't want to
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see you happy like he's up he comes home and you're happy and he's like upset about that
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so he wants to tell you about oh you're happy well here's what happened to me
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what's the matter nothing's the matter if that's all the case then that that's that's not a good
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thing he had a tough day at work and he comes home and everybody's happy that should make him even
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happier that's like that's a great thing to come home to happiness my my goodness so if that's the
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case then then it really becomes a man up situation for him and i know there are guys like in the
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manosphere and all that that they don't like that phrase they don't want to hear about that um
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they never want to hear that answer but sometimes that is the answer like sometimes for a man
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just get the hell over it be a man but really that that's the only solution in that case and
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if that's it then uh then you still need to have a talk to him and with him and and um you know that's
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when you're talking about things like respect and you want to respect him but it's hard to respect
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this kind of behavior you start using language like that that that really now he might react to
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you might get angry at first but that will resonate there's a chance of getting through
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it's going to be when you start using language like that you're not being vicious to him you're
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not saying you don't respect him you're just saying i can't respect this behavior so that's
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what i would say uh finally for michelle i'm married to a very kind and godly man he's both my husband
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and my best friend my entire family loves him except for my sister every time i see her she has
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something negative to say about him she has never brought anything concerning or serious to me about him
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i believe she just doesn't get along with him because they're they have clashing personalities
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i feel disloyal listening to her say unkind things about my husband however i don't want to cause
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drama with my sister what should i say when she comes to me with complaints about my husband uh you
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you can't listen to complaints about your husband at all um if if there's something really serious going
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on that someone in your life is concerned about um and they bring that to you that's one thing but
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you're saying there's nothing serious here he's a very good man and so she's just whining about him
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and and nagging you know and like nitpicking and that sort of thing um no i don't i don't think you
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don't you don't you don't have those kinds of conversations about your about your husband
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with with anybody um complaining about them listening to complaints you can talk to our
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complaint department it's a trash can it's not appropriate you know you should not be the
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sounding board for anyone's complaints about your husband just like he shouldn't be
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for any complaints about you um so that's what you tell your your sister because i'm not going to
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listen to this it's not appropriate it's not right um i love and respect my husband we're not
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going to have this conversation and i don't want to hear it anymore um and then she just has to do it
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okay well we'll leave it there thanks for listening talk to you tomorrow god's meeting