The Matt Walsh Show - January 28, 2023


Sneak Peek Inside What Happens In The Walsh Home Part 2


Episode Stats


Length

10 minutes

Words per minute

203.04071

Word count

2,070

Sentence count

137

Harmful content

Misogyny

6

sentences flagged

Hate speech

1

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

When your kid has a bad dream and you're the one on the hook to console them, do you let them stay in bed with you or do you send them back to their own bed to sleep? What do you do when they wake up in the middle of the night with a scary dream about a faceless man?

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 I had hoped to be more rested today. I was intent on catching up on some sleep last night,
00:00:09.480 but that plan was foiled when our four-year-old came into the room at about one in the morning
00:00:14.000 because he had a bad dream. And now my wife is nicer in these situations than I am. And it's
00:00:21.760 not that I'm mean. I do take it seriously. When there's a bad dream situation and I'm on the hook
00:00:28.060 for it, I try to console the dream victim, especially because kids really do have terrifying
00:00:34.680 dreams. If you ever listen to them describe their dreams, it's like something out of a horror movie.
00:00:40.180 So like the other day, again, my four-year-old had a different bad dream. And he told me about it.
00:00:46.900 And he said that in his dream, he heard something in the basement. And so he opened the door to the
00:00:52.660 basement and there was a man standing at the bottom of the steps, staring up like silently,
00:00:56.840 not saying anything. And I said, well, who was the man in the dream? I mean, maybe it was,
00:01:01.920 you know, maybe it was Santa Claus or something coming to, you know, try to look at, try to,
00:01:06.520 try to see this in a positive light. And he said, well, I don't know who the man was, daddy,
00:01:11.180 because he didn't have a face. And I said, wow, that is, yeah, that's terrifying. I am scared
00:01:16.940 now, actually. You're spreading the bad dream to me. Now I'm infected. Stop talking about it.
00:01:22.700 Keep this to yourself. So I get it with the dreams, but I, so, but I'll, I'll try to console
00:01:27.580 the child and then send them back to their own bed to sleep, or, or I'll bring them back to the
00:01:31.880 bed. I'll put them to bed and, and, and I'll say, good luck with the faceless guy. I got to go
00:01:35.660 back to bed. But my wife, she'll always let the scared child sleep in our bed. And that's what she 1.00
00:01:42.760 did last night. So our four-year-old ended up in bed with us. And if you know anything about young
00:01:48.640 children and how they sleep, you know how this goes? Like they little kids, when they sleep,
00:01:53.120 they're like wind up toys that are still wound up, but knocked over on their side. So their legs and
00:01:58.540 their arms are still flailing around. So this kid is thrashing all over the bed all night. He's like
00:02:03.620 pummeling me in the side of the face, karate chopping me, kicking me, dropping elbows. I felt like I was
00:02:10.960 trying to take a nap in the middle of a mosh pit or something. Meanwhile, the kid, you know, he's, 0.84
00:02:15.960 he's drooling all over the pillows. And then morning finally comes and you, as the parent,
00:02:22.540 you're like a zombie, sleepless, battered, broken. And the kid bounds out of bed full of energy.
00:02:29.060 Well-rested.
00:02:34.920 We're experiencing kind of a contentious moment in our household, um, which I share with you
00:02:39.740 because why wouldn't I just share it with a bunch of strangers? You know, I went into my,
00:02:42.980 my daughter's room, uh, this, this morning before I left for work to say, uh, say bye to her like I
00:02:47.920 always do. And she, um, she told me that she had, uh, she had lost a tooth the night before
00:02:54.000 and she didn't, she didn't tell us that she had lost a tooth because she was, she was running a 0.92
00:03:00.440 test. She's a smart girl. She's smart. And she was running a test. She's like, daddy, I lost a tooth.
00:03:06.880 I didn't tell you. She, she was, she was running a test because she wanted to see like, yeah, the
00:03:12.820 tooth fairy comes allegedly. But if I don't tell mommy and daddy that I lost a tooth, will the
00:03:20.160 tooth fairy still come? Because the tooth fairy should still come. If the tooth fairy exists,
00:03:25.040 even if mommy and daddy don't know about it, tooth fairy should know. And so she told me that night,
00:03:30.220 you know, I'm kind of like scrambling and I'm like, well, yeah, well we, we communicate with the
00:03:34.760 tooth fairy or something. I don't know. We have to send her an email. I was trying to
00:03:37.560 think of an excuse. And of course the whole time I'm thinking in my head like what, why
00:03:40.360 are we doing this? This has been my point all along. If I, if I could go back and redo
00:03:46.220 one thing as a parent, go back to the beginning, it would probably be this. I don't, I don't
00:03:51.280 think I would do the, the fantasy. I don't think I, you know, I, I think I might not introduce
00:03:56.800 tooth fairy, Santa, Easter bunny, all that. And the problem is, or maybe you pick
00:04:04.340 one, like just do Santa, not the others. Cause the problem is now they're a package
00:04:08.780 and the tooth fairy is a lot more frivolous than Santa. And it feels not as important
00:04:14.100 and also somehow even weirder and crazier and harder for kids to believe. Like they're
00:04:19.660 going to figure out tooth fairy before they figure out Santa, but now it's a package.
00:04:24.600 So I was talking to my wife about it. She's like, oh, we can't tell her about tooth fairy
00:04:27.160 because then Santa goes and I want to get another Christmas out of that.
00:04:29.820 It's, it's not, it's not worth the trouble. And then you're just lying to your kid's face
00:04:35.500 about it. All for what? All for what is what I ask.
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00:05:34.060 Well, you know, the Tooth Fairy saga continues, by the way. Speaking of, I just said the truth
00:05:38.220 matters. Well, here's an example of not telling the truth. I was saying yesterday, my daughter is
00:05:42.980 very smart, critical thinker, and which I'm proud of her for that. But she's starting to figure the
00:05:48.900 tooth fairy thing out. And yesterday, you know, I went into her room before I left in the morning
00:05:53.560 and she told me that she'd lost her tooth. And, um, and she didn't tell us the night before that
00:05:59.440 she lost it because she wanted, she was running a test to see if the tooth fairy would still come,
00:06:03.500 even if she doesn't tell mom and dad. And of course, the tooth fairy didn't come with a
00:06:06.100 coincidence because she didn't tell us. And, uh, and then, so the problem is that my, my wife,
00:06:12.680 she, she really wants to, she, she realizes that it's a house of cards. And if you lose the tooth
00:06:17.300 fairy and the Easter bunny, then you lose Santa Claus. And she really wants to hang on to Santa 0.98
00:06:20.240 Claus for the kids for one more Christmas. It's really, you know, she, she just wants one more
00:06:24.140 Christmas out of it, which means we got to keep the tooth fairy going. And this is becoming
00:06:28.080 difficult because last night, my daughter, I'm not making this up. This is, she came up with this
00:06:34.000 on her own because she's really trying to figure this out. And so she came up with a plan last night
00:06:40.780 where she, um, first of all, she had the tooth under the pillow, of course, and she, uh, put out 0.86
00:06:46.900 some food for the tooth fairy. I don't know. That's not usually part of the tooth fairy deal. The
00:06:52.040 tooth fairy doesn't usually eat. Um, but so she put out so like a little bowl of water and I think 1.00
00:06:56.580 some peanuts, maybe the tooth fairy eats peanuts. You know, why not? Everyone likes peanuts. And then
00:07:01.120 she put out some, um, some baking soda around the dish so that she could get the footprints of the
00:07:07.720 tooth fairy. Really tooth fairy is probably, probably flying, but still. And then she also
00:07:13.840 said, yeah, she asked if we, she could use one of our phones and put up, like put a camera there so
00:07:20.300 she could capture the tooth fairy coming in. And this was this whole plan she concocted.
00:07:26.380 And my wife told her, yes, you could, let's do all that. And of course I'm saying to my wife,
00:07:30.620 what are you, what's your plan here with the camera part of this? How are you going to make that?
00:07:34.920 So apparently there's an app for the, there is an app for this exact situation where a little girl
00:07:42.680 is trying to figure out the tooth fairy is real. And, um, anyway, there's an app where you can have
00:07:47.340 like a tooth fairy come in and show it to the kid. So, um, we got her. She's, we, we fooled her for
00:07:54.040 another, another few months. Yay us. I'm so proud of us.
00:07:58.020 Well, I hope you had a blessed and happy Easter. Uh, we had a, you know, a lot of fun in my house
00:08:07.440 started with a, started the day with a 6am Easter egg hunt outside, um, before church. We had to get
00:08:14.340 it in before church and, you know, it wasn't going to work to hold the kids off on the Easter egg hunt
00:08:18.120 until after church. We figured, uh, we, we do it before. So I apologize to our neighbors for that,
00:08:23.440 um, because we were outside doing an Easter egg hunt at like 6am. Fortunately, my kids are,
00:08:28.540 you know, they're only about as loud as a busload of coked up spider monkeys. So it probably wasn't
00:08:34.460 that much of a disturbance. I have to say though, Easter egg hunts have become, uh, they've kind of
00:08:40.080 gone downhill for me in terms of how fun they are ever since I got fired from the job of filling the
00:08:45.400 eggs, um, before the Easter egg hunt. So now I'm the guy, my job is to go hide them, but I don't get
00:08:52.060 to fill them. And the reason I got fired from that job is a few years ago, you know, I had the idea
00:08:57.800 to fill because my wife, you know, made the mistake of, of giving the job to me. And she, like, she,
00:09:04.160 she left me unattended and gave me all the empty eggs and said, yeah, fill these and we're gonna do 1.00
00:09:08.840 the Easter egg hunt. And so I filled half of the eggs with things that no kid would ever want,
00:09:14.560 you know, like olives. Some of them just had rocks and grass and stuff. And then I also put real raw
00:09:21.660 eggs in some of the eggs. And I thought it would be hilarious. And it was, um, until one of the
00:09:28.240 kids opened one of the eggs with an egg inside and dropped it and it splattered all over the place
00:09:32.540 and got on his shoes and everything. And, um, and then it was a big scene. And my wife gave me that
00:09:36.960 look that said, you know, you're, you're banned from doing this again. But I still think, I believe
00:09:41.280 the game, it lent the game some necessary intensity when the eggs contain both good and bad surprises.
00:09:48.760 That's my feeling. Now you, you might, there are, there are those who theorize
00:09:54.720 that filling the eggs is a tedious task. And so I did that on purpose so that I would be banned from
00:10:03.480 it forever in the future. And I would never have to do it again. That's also a theory. I'm not,
00:10:08.740 I'm not going to speculate on whether that's true or not.