00:00:56.860All right. So today we'll go back to our lost souls of Reddit to deliver some life advice
00:01:03.180based on questions that are posed over on Reddit. And I can't promise that my advice is good.
00:01:09.720It's not legally, I can't be held legally responsible if anyone takes my advice and
00:01:14.820it goes poorly for them. But I can say that the advice I give is at least better than what you
00:01:19.060would get from the community at Reddit, which is as low a bar as it can possibly get.
00:01:24.280Okay. Is parenting supposed to be this hard?
00:01:26.860I, 30 female, have two kids age five and three. I love them so much, but I also feel like they're
00:01:32.000making me so down all the time. I feel like a terrible parent. My husband has gone on holiday
00:01:36.040for a week with some friends and I've really struggled. I ended up getting so angry at my
00:01:39.540three-year-old yesterday because she asked me to take her to the toilet three times whilst I was0.88
00:01:43.500trying to eat my dinner. I know it's not her fault if she needs the toilet, but I was so tired and I
00:01:47.680wanted to eat my dinner in peace and I felt terrible afterwards. I really missed my pre-child
00:01:51.560life. Everything was so much easier and I was happier. I'm so stressed and tired all the time
00:01:55.600Now, even trying to get them to go to bed in the evening is such a battle. Sometimes I just want
00:01:59.700to leave and have my freedom back. Does everyone feel like this? Or am I just not supposed to be
00:02:04.720a mum? I'm picking up on British from whilst and mum. So that's my, you know, I'm really good at0.99
00:02:13.800these kinds of things. Okay. Well, I can answer the last question. You're supposed to be a mom
00:02:19.900because you are a mom. So that solves the riddle. You know, if you're a parent, you don't need to
00:02:24.380sit around thinking, was I supposed to be a parent? Well, you are, like you are. So yeah,
00:02:30.340you're supposed to. In fact, most people are supposed to be parents. So you're doing a thing
00:02:35.060that billions of people have done before you. It is the basic path that almost everybody follows.
00:02:43.840And most of the people who don't follow that path, it's only because they weren't able to
00:02:47.300for one reason or another. So yeah, you were supposed to. And as to your other question,
00:02:51.040does everybody feel like this? Well, if by like this you mean occasionally frustrated, stressed
00:02:55.780out, irritated, sure. If you mean wanting to be able to eat a meal in peace, again, sure, definitely.
00:03:05.740But if you mean like pining for your childless past, constantly missing the times before you
00:03:14.060had kids, sort of wishing that you weren't a parent, well, no, not every parent feels that
00:03:20.220way. I know that because I don't feel that way. And so that's one parent who doesn't. And I think
00:03:26.040there are many millions more in my camp. And I'm not saying that to make you feel bad. Is that
00:03:30.880because I'm a better person than you? No, almost certainly not. You could easily be a better person
00:03:35.560than me. That wouldn't be hard to do. Very low bar. It's not about that. But as a parent myself
00:03:42.760with two of our six who are now teenagers, I certainly get annoyed with my kids, but I really
00:03:49.380do deeply enjoy being a parent. I don't miss at all the days of not being a parent, but I enjoy
00:03:59.420it now more than I did, say, 10 years ago. I've grown into the role, which is something that for
00:04:06.740some reason isn't talked about enough, I don't think, but you grow into it. For sure, I enjoy
00:04:16.960the job of being a parent now more than I did a decade ago. Definitely. And that's part of the
00:04:23.420story, I think, is that you do grow into it, that you get better at it as you go. Or it should work
00:04:30.940that way. I mean, it doesn't always, but it should. It often does. That's the way it's meant to work.
00:04:36.560And we don't really allow for that. We don't take that into account. And we forget to tell
00:04:41.120young parents, we forget to say to them that like, hey, you're going to suck at this at first.0.98
00:04:46.960you're going to be really bad at this. Just like you suck at doing anything when you first start0.99
00:04:52.980doing it. And when you suck at doing something, it's not as enjoyable. When you're bad at doing0.98
00:04:58.180a thing, it's not nearly as enjoyable as when you get good at it. When you're bad at it,
00:05:04.600there's a lot of frustration. It's like picking up a hobby. Okay, being a parent is not a hobby,
00:05:10.480but I'm just for comparison saying, picking up a hobby. It's like one of the reasons why people
00:05:14.800don't often develop hobbies is that when you're kind of interested in it, so you start doing it,
00:05:20.980whatever the hobby is, and you're bad at it at first. And so it's actually not that fun.
00:05:27.020You have to push through the part where you're bad at it to get to the point where this hobby
00:05:31.420is enjoyable. And most people don't, and so they just never pick up hobbies and they don't become
00:05:36.320interesting people who do interesting things. And it's like that with parenting,
00:05:40.600where at first you're not very good at it. And, uh, and so you're frustrated by things that later
00:05:47.680on in life won't be nearly as frustrating, but here it is. And so you just have to give it some
00:05:51.880time. Um, this is what I'm always telling parents in general, just give it time, relax a little bit,
00:05:56.440relax a little bit, and just give it some time. Your oldest kid is five years old. You only have
00:06:02.060two. You've been a parent for 10 seconds, basically. I mean, you know, your oldest kid
00:06:07.720is barely kindergarten age, right? I mean, it's like, you just started doing this. You just
00:06:14.960started. Just give it some time. So many, so many of the challenges you face as a parent
00:06:21.960are solved just by giving them time and a lot less time than you think. Like the time that it
00:06:29.380takes for this problem. And it's not just like, you can just leave it alone. You keep trying and
00:06:34.200keep doing your best. And also you trying and doing your best combined with time will make
00:06:41.040most of these problems go away. Most of them. And parenting is a skill. It's not just a skill,
00:06:47.360but it's also a skill. And skills take time to develop. So I'm a much more skilled parent today
00:06:52.720than I was a decade ago. I had no idea what I was doing a decade ago. I was fumbling around,
00:06:57.560often stressed out and flustered and overwhelmed. I still get that way sometimes. Anyone can,
00:07:02.440But once you've done it for a while, you're just much better at it.
00:07:08.620And so it's like if I'm having dinner, especially with two kids, five and three, it would be very difficult for me to get so flustered in that situation that I'm plunging into despair like it is for you.
00:07:26.900Again, not because I'm a better person, just I have more experience with it.
00:07:30.000You just have to have more experience.
00:07:31.040And it's not just about getting more skilled, though.
00:07:33.920It's also about the wisdom that comes with age and experience.
00:07:37.020It's about coming to understand a few things.
00:07:49.920And the first, and you hear both of these in the post.
00:07:53.380The first is that just because something is harder does not mean that it has to be less enjoyable.
00:08:01.040In fact, harder things can and should usually be more enjoyable, right?
00:08:08.580The challenge is what makes it enjoyable.
00:08:11.320And you can think of a million analogies that make that point, right?
00:08:15.660If you went out to shoot some hoops, if you went down to a basketball court to shoot some hoops,
00:08:20.240and you had a genie granted a wish to make it so that every single shot you took would automatically go in from anywhere,
00:08:29.140then yeah that'd be great you go to the nba and you know make a hundred million dollars
00:08:34.180but it wouldn't be fun like that would be fun for five minutes and then it's not fun anymore
00:08:41.000where there's no challenge right um and it's you know you take that and apply it to anything when
00:08:47.560you take the challenge out of something it's actually less fun but we're conditioned to assume
00:08:52.460that the easier thing is always the better thing it's like in our culture we define a fun thing a
00:08:58.560pleasurable thing as a thing that can be done easily with no resistance. And then we have kids
00:09:04.960and we discover that lots of things that were easy before that could be done with no resistance
00:09:09.540now have resistance. Now they're difficult, or at least they're more difficult than they were
00:09:14.580before. And so we instinctively categorize them in our heads as not fun, as not enjoyable.
00:09:20.620We think, oh, life with kids is less easy, and therefore it's worse, because that's how we have been conditioned to see things.
00:09:31.720But that's totally wrong. It's just a wrong way of looking at the world.
00:09:36.800In fact, the reality is something closer to the opposite.
00:09:39.980As I said, generally speaking, there's little joy to be found in things that are too easy, in things that can be done with no friction and no resistance.
00:09:50.200There's relaxation in that, but joy is found in achieving something, in doing something.
00:09:57.560And so parenting offers you many of those opportunities.
00:10:00.040It's like Jakey Chesterton said, an inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered.
00:10:07.260So in other words, you have an obstacle, an inconvenience, but you choose to see it as
00:10:16.400an inconvenience when you could see it as an adventure. And maybe that sounds trite or
00:10:20.620cliched, but I think it's one of the, I think it's one of the, if it's a cliche, it's one of
00:10:25.100the wisest cliches that's ever been uttered. And, um, and if you really take it to heart,
00:10:29.940you realize that, uh, many of the things that make you miserable in life, it only make,
00:10:35.600it only makes you miserable because of how you choose to see it because you choose to see it in
00:10:41.300a way that is guaranteed to make you miserable. And that certainly applies to parenting.
00:10:48.880And the other misconception you see in this post, which is common, is that being a parent
00:10:52.540means losing freedom. So this idea that non-parents have more freedom just isn't true at all.
00:10:59.460You actually have more freedom as a parent in that you are able to do things and experience
00:11:04.980things that you couldn't when you didn't have kids. As I've said many times, there's nothing
00:11:12.340that a non-parent can do. There's nothing that they can experience that I can't and haven't.
00:11:21.120There's plenty that I can do as a parent that they can't. There's plenty of things I can
00:11:25.700experience that they can't. There's an entire category of joy that is open and available to
00:11:32.540me and to you that is not available to non-parents. The distinct joy of being a parent. The love that
00:11:40.200you feel for your children. Non-parents do not have the freedom to experience that. So in what
00:11:48.400way do they have more freedom? Again, there's nothing they can do that you can't. It may take
00:11:55.300a little more effort on your part, but so what? Is that freedom? Is freedom the ability to do
00:12:00.720things without effort? Is that all that freedom is? What kind of definition of freedom is that?
00:12:07.540I mean, by that definition, prison is freedom. Like if freedom is just like
00:12:12.720not having to put in a lot of effort, then in some ways, prison is the most free place you
00:12:19.920could ever go because there's really no effort. You just sit there. They don't even make you do
00:12:25.440hard labor anymore. You just sit there. A lot of freedom, I guess.
00:12:31.680Or is freedom the ability to do whatever you want? Well, if that's the definition,
00:12:37.320then none of us are free but God, because none of us can literally do whatever we want.
00:12:42.960There are laws, first of all. There are many physical constraints that prevent us from
00:12:47.500fulfilling all of our wildest fantasies. So what is freedom? I mean, in what way did you
00:12:55.160have your freedom before you had kids? What kind of freedom did you have before you had kids that
00:13:03.020you now have less of? Because I would say that freedom could be defined more like
00:13:09.800the capacity, the opportunity to participate in meaningful human experiences. I think that's
00:13:20.900kind of what freedom is. Maybe not a perfect definition, but there's something to it, I think.
00:13:26.460And by that definition, as a parent, you are considerably more free because you have a greater
00:13:32.620capacity and greater opportunity to participate in meaningful human experiences. But this is all
00:13:44.200academic. You can hear it and understand it, but over time, you can... Well, you can hear it. You
00:13:50.020can hear what i'm saying but over over time you begin to understand it um but you just have to
00:13:55.380give it time for centuries john milton's paradise lost has been considered one of the great works
00:14:00.660of literature that's ever been written a christian epic that wrestles with timeless questions about
00:14:06.560temptation freedom pride and god's relationship with mankind in one of its most famous lines
00:14:12.440satan declares better to reign in hell than serve in heaven it's a line that cuts to the heart of
00:14:17.840rebellion, and Milton's response to it is one of the most powerful in all of Western literature.
00:14:23.140That's why Hillsdale College offers a free online course on Paradise Lost taught by real
00:14:27.680Hillsdale professors. Paradise Lost gets at something true about human nature the most
00:14:32.480modern writing won't touch. Milton understood that the root of every rebellion, every act of
00:14:37.680pride, every rejection of God, traces back to the same lies Satan tells himself in that line.
00:14:43.060The poem carries 1,500 years of Western and Christian thought, and most people have never read it.
00:14:49.460In this course, Professor Stephen Smith guides you through Milton's masterpiece
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00:15:09.040Start reading, learn the classics, rediscover the West.
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00:16:28.980how much you can save. That's policygenius.com slash Walsh. Okay, finally, got into an argument
00:16:35.960with my wife because I don't take initiative. How do I learn to take the lead and not be a
00:16:40.880passenger in my own life? We had been together almost 20 years now, married for 15, grown kid.
00:16:45.360We're on vacation and had not planned anything I really wanted to see. Well, it was a working
00:16:49.140vacation. She was doing a training and I had driven us there to go along. When the weekend
00:16:53.700came, she asked what I would like to do. I had not really planned or looked into anything and
00:16:57.100she got a little irritated. This led to an argument. I guess more of a vent session than
00:17:01.800an argument, I didn't really say much back, to be honest. She said I need to be more proactive and
00:17:06.240take the lead more in our lives and not be a passenger along for the ride, pointing out how
00:17:10.240I rarely pick movies to watch or how I had not even bothered to look up any places to eat or
00:17:14.160things to do around the city we were in. This went for a little while, and she said that it gets old
00:17:18.160having a cardboard cutout of a husband, that she wants a person who has opinions and is curious
00:17:22.560about the world around, not just along for the ride. I will admit that I had not thought of
00:17:26.840things to do while we were on this trip, and I could have. I had lots of spare time while she
00:17:30.440was in training. She didn't really talk much to drive home. I think this has been stirring for a
00:17:34.600while. It's probably more than not looking up things to do on the trip. I always thought letting
00:17:38.400her take the lead would allow her to get what she wants and make her happy. I guess it is not what
00:17:42.020she wants, and now I am kind of lost on how to take more initiative and be more proactive in life
00:17:47.040and our relationships. I really don't have many close friends to ask things like this of and
00:17:51.200probably wouldn't even if I did. My question is, how do I learn to be more proactive in my
00:17:55.000relationship before it's too late? Yeah, this is interesting. You know, this is an interesting
00:17:58.420point here, but I think vacation is the wrong place to make the point. Because on vacation,
00:18:03.600I'm a big believer in not planning things. I think the whole point of a vacation is to not
00:18:09.580have stuff planned. I'm not a planner on vacation. This is a source of disagreement with my wife.
00:18:16.260She is the planning type on vacation for sure. So she'll say, okay, on the first day of vacation,0.61
00:18:21.820let's get up at 4 45 a.m. and go do this activity and you say what kind of activities do they even
00:18:29.340have at what godforsaken place have we gone to where they have activities at five in the morning
00:18:35.920what is happening you want me to get less sleep on vacation that this is totally backwards
00:18:42.280and then you know and she'll have the whole thing and i'll say hey relax i got a better idea let's
00:18:50.320not do any of that. She'll have the whole plan, like we're going to do this, and then we got this
00:18:55.100activity, and then there's going to do lunch. And I'll say, let's not do any of that. Here's a
00:18:59.780better plan. Let's do none of the things you just said at all. Let's not do anything. Let's do
00:19:05.740nothing. Because vacations are meant, I believe, to be focused around a particular body of water,
00:19:12.340a lake or an ocean, and all you do is you go sit at that body of water
00:19:19.420and you do activities that are focused on or around the body of water, like fishing
00:19:27.480or swimming. You could go snorkeling. Well, snorkeling is too involved. We're not going
00:19:33.840to do that. There's too many things involved. It's got to be something that can just easily
00:19:37.120be done. It can't be like, it can't require, you know, more than about five minutes of setup and
00:19:42.560preparation. So snorkeling is out. Last time we did a beach vacation, my wife's like, let's rent
00:19:49.420some jet skis. And I said, yeah, you got to go all the way down there and like do the whole rental1.00
00:19:54.460and you got to like fill out forms. I don't want to fill out a form. We're on vacation.
00:19:59.760vacation. So he didn't do that. But I'm a little extreme when it comes to vacation. I'm an extreme
00:20:08.700non-planner. So on vacation, I'm on the husband's side, but it's clear that this is a general issue
00:20:14.560that goes beyond vacation, as he admits. And yes, generally speaking in life, you need to take the
00:20:20.060initiative as the man. And that's what women want you to do. Allowing the wife to take the lead in0.98
00:20:27.700your family is about the worst thing you can do as a husband. It's not going to make anybody0.99
00:20:32.640happier, at least of all her. It's not going to make you happier. It's not going to make the kids
00:20:38.020happier. And this goes for big things and small things. And the small things in some ways are
00:20:43.400more important or at least, you know, have elevated importance because there's more of them.
00:20:49.360You know, they happen more often. And if you're asking her to be proactive or, you know, if you're
00:20:55.660asking how to be more proactive and take the initiative, then start with the small things.
00:21:01.480So do this, try this. And this is like, it's kind of, it's, it's surprising to me how few
00:21:08.900husbands do this. I think, but I think, and I think this is much more common, you know,
00:21:13.240in the old days. So do this very simple. Tell your wife, Hey, we're going to go out on Friday night,
00:21:21.820right? Six o'clock, I have reservations. Just make the reservation. Don't ask her where she
00:21:27.940wants to go. Just do it on your own. Call a place up. You can go online. Just make a reservation,
00:21:34.180whatever. Don't even need to tell her where you're going. Then on Friday night, you drive her there.
00:21:40.180You sit down. You've already looked at the menu ahead of time online, right? Every restaurant has
00:21:46.520menus online. Takes 10 seconds. Look at the menu. You have been with your wife for 15 years. You
00:21:52.520know what she likes. I assume you've been to a billion restaurants. You know the kinds of things
00:21:57.840she likes to eat. Every person has like three things they order at a restaurant. And so you1.00
00:22:03.520picked a place that has one of those three things. And so you sit down at the table and you say,
00:22:09.020this place has a really good salmon. You'll probably like that. The waiter comes. You place
00:22:14.880an appetizer order. You don't even ask her what she wants. You don't consult her. When the waiter
00:22:21.900comes, you just give your drink order and say, hey, we'd like to put in an order of the whatever,
00:22:27.280right? Because you know what she likes to eat. So you don't need to ask. You already know what1.00
00:22:33.180kind of appetizer she likes. Just put the order in. And then you go home and you tell your wife,1.00
00:22:41.980hey, there's a movie that just came out on streaming. Let's watch it. I think you'll like
00:22:47.840it. Why don't you go get changed? I'll get the movie queued up. And then while she's doing that,
00:22:52.940you go get her a drink. You know what kind of thing she likes to drink at night, whether it's
00:22:56.240chamomile tea or wine or whatever. And you pour the drink and you give it to her. And these are
00:23:02.400all small things. These are just all the things that your wife wants you to do. Be the man, take
00:23:07.200the lead, make the decisions, be confident, you know. And once you're doing that with the small
00:23:15.120things, then it becomes easier and more natural to take the lead on the bigger things, right?
00:23:20.260Now, I will say one thing, a point for the other side of the situation. If you're the wife in this0.81
00:23:28.060situation and you want your husband to take the lead, which every wife at some level does,0.86
00:23:32.560you then have to take the backseat and not interfere when he does take the lead.0.88
00:23:42.160Because here's what often happens. The wife will say to the husband, who's a bit of a pushover,0.90
00:23:46.640I want you to lead. And then the husband will say, maybe he'll try. He'll give it a shot.
00:23:53.560And he'll do what I just said. I'll pick the restaurant. And then you show up at the restaurant
00:23:58.300and you say, oh, I don't want to eat at this place. Oh, I'm not in the mood. Oh, you should
00:24:02.460have known. No, oh, I don't like that. I heard this place was bad. Don't do that. Don't complain
00:24:08.400that your husband doesn't lead and then whine and micromanage when he does. You can't have it both
00:24:11.920ways. You cannot have it both ways. Him leading means that you're following, okay? Be a good
00:24:18.820follower. Don't put him in a lose-lose scenario where you're mad at him for not leading and then
00:24:25.000annoyed at him because he leads. Because guess what? Wanting someone to lead and then trying
00:24:31.660to dictate the way that they lead means that they're not leading, you are. Right? You're still
00:24:39.520leading. You actually, so he's, you know, on the horse and you're behind him, but you're reaching
00:24:45.620around him to grab the reins. You're not actually letting him just, you know, guide the horse,
00:24:50.160ride the horse. So you got to take your hands off the reins. You can't have it both ways.
00:24:57.600Okay. And if all you want is like a figurehead, if all you want is someone who
00:25:02.180pretends that they're leading, but you're really calling all the shots, then that's a you problem.
00:25:09.820Okay. And I suspect, I mean, I don't know anything about this couple. I suspect it's
00:25:13.680a little bit of that also, right? You got the wife who's got the business thing. She's a
00:25:18.440businesswoman and she's going to the training and the husband's like, the husband's already0.71
00:25:21.620kind of like tagging along for her thing. And so it's a little bit, and, um, you know, and she's
00:25:26.420calling him a cardboard cutout. Like it's being very disrespectful. It's the kind of thing you
00:25:30.380should never say your husband, no matter what. So even just from this, I'm getting vibes of this
00:25:35.600being a woman who claims, claims, I want you to take the lead. But the moment he tries, she's0.99
00:25:41.520going to say, Oh, not that way. Oh, I want you to lead, but I want you to lead exactly as I want