Who's The Biggest A-Hole？ Episode 1
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
188.58286
Summary
Am i the ahole for forcing her son to call her his real name instead of his birth mother's? Am i the asshole for making her son refer to her as his mom? Am I the a hole for allowing my daughter to legally change her name to match her gender identity?
Transcript
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am i the a-hole for forcing my son to call me mom oh here's a good one okay this is a meaty one
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when my husband and i wanted a child we decided to pursue surrogacy instead of a traditional
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pregnancy it was a hard decision that took a lot of late night talks and fighting because he wanted
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to be involved in the pregnancy and everything but i was terrified of ppd postpartum depression
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the postpartum body and all the morning sickness that came with it finally we went through an
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agency to find a suitable gestational carrier otherwise known as a human being i'd like to
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think we were pretty involved throughout the pregnancy process and we somewhat befriended the
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carrier befriended the carrier um nowadays we're not closed by any means but we send each other
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birthday and holiday wishes and such tuesday my son found out about the surrogacy it wasn't really a
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secret by any means but the topic just never came up he was talking about how he learned about it in
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biology how i thought it was weird i told him no it's completely normal and that he came from a
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surrogate i didn't think it would be that big of a deal but for the next few days he started pestering
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me about the details of who the surrogate was and why i went through with it well i told him my reasons
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and he took from the conversation that i was too lazy to have him myself yes he's now insisting that
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i'm not his mom my husband told me that it's just a phase that's probably because our son's a little
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raw from an unrelated argument we had earlier this month however i'm honestly really hurt and
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disrespected that he doesn't think of me as his mom when i tried to have a discussion about it he
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escalated after and now only calls me by my real name instead of mom his argument that is that it's
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his choice to decide who he wants to call his parents i kind of like this kid i gotta be honest with
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you uh no i mean you're not an a-hole for for forcing your son to call you mom um but you are
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the a-hole for choosing surrogacy in the first place so that's where you went wrong but you're
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an asshole you rented out a womb like you're renting a room you know you treated another person's body
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like a like an airbnb and yeah they they they volunteered for it i mean they they like sold
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their body to you literally i mean they sold their womb to you and because you didn't want to deal
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with the physical changes that come with motherhood um you're right your son was exactly correct in fact
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you shouldn't talk to his mom that way uh but but he's right that you were just too lazy to carry the
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child yourself now you're reaping some of the consequences that your child doesn't feel connected
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to you in the same way because he's not now this is different from something like adoption
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where you're giving up comfort for the sake of the child you're bringing the child into your
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family but surrogacy is is the opposite because rather than being born from sacrifice it comes
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from an unwillingness to make a sacrifice so i i think it's a i think it's a horrific practice
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honestly and dehumanizing even the way you refer to this the carrier we befriended the carrier
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let's see my daughter came out as transgender a few years ago and for her birthday this year we
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legally changed her first name to a feminine name of her choosing my wife and i have always supported
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her and her transition but my daughter seemed disappointed that her surname wasn't also changed
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i am icelandic american um if you don't know surnames are quite different than in other countries
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one surname is their father's first name and a suffix related to their gender the son of jokul
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would be jokul son and the daughter of jokul would be jokul doter when my american wife and i married she
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took my last name per american custom and gave that same masculine surname to our daughter when she was
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born all of us have the same masculine last name my daughter wishes to change her surname to jokul
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doter in order to align with her gender expression as well as icelandic naming customs i hadn't
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considered this for her as we live in the united states and use the local customs my wife and i are
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on the fence about changing her legal name again as processes like this are very expensive and time
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consuming i told her that her mother and i would be more than happy to help with the paperwork if she
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paid for the processing our daughter doesn't accept our reasoning and claims that we're only
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contributing to her existing dysphoria by not going through the process again so am i the a**hole for
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making my transgender daughter pay for her own surname change but no absolutely not you are not the a**hole
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for that you are the a**hole for everything else in this story what a**hole starting with the fact that
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you were supportive of your son pretending to be a girl so your son and did you say how old your son is
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17 okay uh your son has two problems here and this is your son we're dealing with your son is um a
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self-entitled narcissist demanding you have to pay for everything or my dysphoria is going to be worse
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this is emotional blackmail um and this is in in gender ideology it's very common this is one of
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you know the the propagandists that that that foist this stuff on kids they encourage this kind of
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emotional blackmail oh to get everything you want just tell your loved ones that you know you're
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gonna that uh you're gonna have dysphoria and you'll be in emotional pain if they don't do literally
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everything you want so this is self-entitled narcissism and it's also you know a certain
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element of of you know just sincere confusion as well and you as the the parent as the adult you're
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supposed to be a voice of reason you're supposed to be a clarifying presence
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and by supporting your son in his delusions his narcissism his confusion uh you are dooming him
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to a life of despair and that's what makes you an asshole
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am i the asshole for wanting my son to get along with my boyfriend sean is my 13 year old child and
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i am a single mother connor my current boyfriend of course his name is connor and i have been together
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for two years sean has disliked connor for as long as you can remember he would go upstairs and ignore
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connor whenever he came to my place even though i let connor drop sean off at school sean has never
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once expressed appreciation or bonded with connor connor pretended to be unconcerned by his actions
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but i could tell he was hurt by all of it i asked him why he despised connor so much he gave a list of
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various reasons some of which i seriously doubt to begin with he claims that when connor dropped him
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off at school a couple of times he made derogatory remarks about his asian friends calling him a
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little kung pao chicken etc so it's not funny sean mentioned the time connor didn't give his
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guinea pig water and when he and i were at the beach a year ago he was house sitting for three days
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sean also mentioned how connor advised him to man up in a number of circumstances i basically told him
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straight up that i don't believe anything he's saying i confronted connor after that and he denied all of
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it so because sean lied i took away his gaming consoles as punishment i also lectured him about
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abusing connor who might be his new stepdad one day sean told his father my ex what had happened
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now my ex is cursing at me for being unfair towards my son am i the okay yeah you're the a-hole look i
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don't know your situation i don't know why you aren't married to sean's dad but what i do know is that
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what sean wants what all kids want is for their parents to live together in the same house and
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have a real intact family like they're real parents both of them like that's that's what sean wants
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that's what your kid wants and like if you can't handle that grow the hell up and if they can't have
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that for whatever reason you can't blame them for being upset or for not being especially fond of the
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runner-up prize hey sean uh your dad and i you know you can't have a real dad but here's connor
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why don't you settle on that instead and besides he's just your boyfriend so sean doesn't know if
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this guy will be actually a permanent fixture in your life have you thought about that how many
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let me ask you how many boyfriends have you had since the father of your child i'm guessing more than
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one so how many times has sean been expected to develop a father-son relationship with the new guy
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in your life who just ends up getting you know ends up out of the picture in a year or two anyway
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you might have your hands full once i'll pick up the controller have you ever thought about the fact
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that that there's this continual uh effect of abandonment that your son is going through and so
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now he's putting up defense defenses against that because he's tired of being abandoned by one man after
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another whether it's the man's fault or yours or a combination probably a combination have you thought
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