The Megyn Kelly Show - Biden, Fauci, Kardashian, Baldwin, ＂Trans Trump,＂ and More, with Kyle Dunnigan ｜ Ep. 291

00:00:00.000 Now streaming on Paramount Plus.

00:00:02.860 Someone is trying to frame us.

00:00:05.160 Until our names are cleared.

00:00:07.720 We're fugitives from Interpol.

00:00:09.480 Like Bonnie and Clyde with better snacks.

00:00:12.880 Espionage?

00:00:13.560 You still as good a shot as you used to be?

00:00:16.600 Better.

00:00:17.400 Is there love language?

00:00:18.860 We like to walk that fine line between techno-thriller

00:00:21.380 and romantic comedy.

00:00:24.180 We make up our own rules.

00:00:25.940 NCIS Tony and Ziva.

00:00:27.400 Now streaming on Paramount Plus.

00:00:30.000 When I found out my friend got a great deal

00:00:32.300 on a wool coat from Winner's,

00:00:33.920 I started wondering,

00:00:35.580 is every fabulous item I see from Winner's?

00:00:38.680 Like that woman over there with the designer jeans. 1.00

00:00:41.400 Are those from Winner's?

00:00:42.940 Ooh, or those beautiful gold earrings.

00:00:45.380 Did she pay full price?

00:00:46.740 Or that leather tote?

00:00:47.740 Or that cashmere sweater?

00:00:48.940 Or those knee-high boots?

00:00:50.420 That dress?

00:00:51.220 That jacket?

00:00:51.880 Those shoes?

00:00:52.900 Is anyone paying full price for anything?

00:00:55.800 Stop wondering.

00:00:56.760 Start winning.

00:00:58.080 Winners.

00:00:58.460 Find fabulous for less.

00:01:00.860 Welcome to The Megyn Kelly Show.

00:01:02.660 Your home for open, honest, and provocative conversations.

00:01:12.060 Hey everyone, I'm Megyn Kelly.

00:01:13.600 Welcome to The Megyn Kelly Show.

00:01:14.980 We have a big show for you today.

00:01:16.320 In fact, this might be our biggest show ever.

00:01:19.580 We've got Kim Kardashian, Caitlyn Jenner,

00:01:22.060 Donald Trump is here,

00:01:23.000 along with Vladimir Putin and President Joe Biden.

00:01:25.360 It's not exactly an April Fool's, actually.

00:01:29.480 We've got comedian Kyle Dunnigan,

00:01:31.220 and he does spot-on impressions of all of them.

00:01:37.240 In addition to writing and performing great comedy,

00:01:40.080 his impressions are scary good.

00:01:42.760 He's an Emmy, a Peabody,

00:01:44.580 and a Writers Guild Award-winning comedy writer and performer,

00:01:48.340 and this is his first time on the show.

00:01:50.280 Kyle, welcome.

00:01:51.660 Hello.

00:01:53.300 What's going on with that background there?

00:01:55.660 You look like you're in Versailles.

00:01:57.660 I'm redoing my house.

00:01:59.720 I actually, I just put that chandelier in myself.

00:02:03.480 My house is actually a disaster.

00:02:05.020 I have to put in fake backgrounds,

00:02:06.840 because it's embarrassing.

00:02:08.940 My house is like a crack den,

00:02:11.160 and I'm thinking of moving, actually.

00:02:14.040 I'm looking at some other real estate,

00:02:16.460 because I was going to redo it,

00:02:17.660 but it's so bad,

00:02:18.960 and you can't get anybody to work in your house anymore.

00:02:21.020 I knew you didn't actually live at Versailles,

00:02:23.720 because I've heard you talk about your tiny,

00:02:26.180 well, at least back in the day,

00:02:27.580 your tiny apartment where you have to,

00:02:29.400 you know, your couch has to double as a bed,

00:02:30.960 and it makes bedding a woman a little awkward.

00:02:33.760 Oh, that's so, that is so long ago.

00:02:36.280 That's a deep track.

00:02:37.180 I forgot about that joke.

00:02:38.240 I've done my homework.

00:02:39.640 It was on Conan.

00:02:40.340 Oh, they said, oh, I did that, okay.

00:02:43.140 Yes, the creaking old bed.

00:02:45.480 So you've moved up in the world,

00:02:46.660 but not yet to Versailles.

00:02:48.340 Yeah, I have a bed.

00:02:49.860 Have you watched that, by the way?

00:02:51.200 Because I heard, I have to watch that.

00:02:53.840 What, Versailles?

00:02:54.960 The new Versailles is a new one.

00:02:57.140 No, no, no.

00:02:58.720 I love generally period pieces.

00:03:01.560 I haven't even, I don't actually know,

00:03:02.780 even know what you're talking about.

00:03:03.840 I assume it's a period piece.

00:03:04.880 It's called Versailles.

00:03:06.080 But like the only one I couldn't tolerate was Bridgerton,

00:03:08.360 where like they were suddenly making like people of different races

00:03:11.620 who were in like, it was so woke.

00:03:13.480 I'm like, and peace out.

00:03:14.780 Give me some Julian Fellows.

00:03:16.360 That's all I need.

00:03:17.400 I'll be asleep in two minutes.

00:03:19.080 This is like, it's called the Queen of Versailles.

00:03:21.400 I told you the wrong name.

00:03:23.160 And it's a woman who built this like really expensive house 1.00

00:03:26.580 and they went broke and there was a documentary.

00:03:29.700 And that was a new one where they got the money,

00:03:31.960 I guess, to finish it.

00:03:33.020 Oh, okay.

00:03:33.960 Well, I'm into that.

00:03:34.880 I like overspenders.

00:03:36.240 Yes, I'm here to plug that.

00:03:37.820 There's a huge delay, by the way.

00:03:40.180 Oh, no.

00:03:40.460 Well, that'll be awkward.

00:03:41.700 I'll try to keep my mouth shut.

00:03:43.900 I'm going to keep going like this.

00:03:47.740 I'm seeing myself in two different screens.

00:03:50.240 Okay.

00:03:50.400 How do you look?

00:03:51.600 You like it?

00:03:52.320 You know, it's funny because Danny,

00:03:53.980 I guess when you're producers, she was very sweet.

00:03:56.520 And she goes, you know, just take, you know,

00:03:57.800 be in like 10 minutes, maybe like comb your hair.

00:03:59.960 She actually threw that in.

00:04:02.100 God bless her, Danny.

00:04:03.700 I'm not paying her enough.

00:04:05.600 No, she was right.

00:04:07.040 And now my hair looks great.

00:04:08.560 I think we all were thinking that.

00:04:10.600 Yeah.

00:04:10.800 You look hot.

00:04:11.540 I don't know what happened with those other girls. 0.99

00:04:13.400 It was wrong.

00:04:14.680 I've actually, I've always wanted to be considered hot.

00:04:17.900 And my whole life I've tried.

00:04:19.880 And I gave up a few years ago, but just growing up,

00:04:23.700 I don't know.

00:04:25.360 I thought it could happen eventually.

00:04:26.940 And you actually get uglier as you get older.

00:04:28.940 Did you know that?

00:04:29.540 I am aware.

00:04:30.820 I'm fighting it every step of the way.

00:04:32.220 Like, you look great.

00:04:34.480 What is that like to give up on trying to be hot?

00:04:37.420 What does that entail?

00:04:40.240 It's freeing.

00:04:40.760 In a way it's freeing, you know?

00:04:43.500 Cause I used to like, when I leave to go out,

00:04:46.080 I'd look in the mirror, you know,

00:04:47.240 you check yourself out and you're like, all right, cool.

00:04:49.420 I don't even look in the mirror anymore.

00:04:51.460 I leave.

00:04:52.200 And sometimes I'll feel the top of my head

00:04:54.560 and I'll feel there's like a hair way up

00:04:56.420 and I look like alfalfa or something.

00:04:58.720 But I just, it's freeing

00:04:59.840 cause I don't think about what I look like.

00:05:02.840 Well, how, how does that manifest?

00:05:04.360 Cause you know, sometimes you come home,

00:05:05.760 if that happens, I can, I never do that,

00:05:08.360 but I can relate just if I take the dogs out in the morning

00:05:10.880 and then you come back in

00:05:11.700 and suddenly you realize you've got like some patch of dry skin

00:05:14.180 that's very unsightly.

00:05:15.940 Like, has that ever happened to you?

00:05:17.100 Or you're like, I should stop in front of the mirror.

00:05:20.280 No, yes.

00:05:21.120 It's, it's, it's a terrible idea.

00:05:24.180 I don't recommend it.

00:05:26.380 You're not married.

00:05:28.240 No, no.

00:05:30.440 I do need a girlfriend.

00:05:31.800 That's, that's also why I'm here.

00:05:34.580 Great.

00:05:35.260 I need more of like a nanny. 1.00

00:05:37.460 I need a nanny. 1.00

00:05:38.660 That's what I need.

00:05:39.440 Which women aren't into apparently. 1.00

00:05:41.940 It's not a lot.

00:05:43.380 No, I'm very busy.

00:05:45.360 And I think, I busy myself cause I, I don't date much.

00:05:49.780 I don't go out much at all, actually.

00:05:52.020 So when you say you need a nanny, let's run through that.

00:05:54.140 Cause Danny actually is available

00:05:55.600 and she's on all of the dating sites.

00:05:57.720 So I'm going to, I'm going to run a little interference for her.

00:06:00.040 What specifically is it that you would like?

00:06:03.060 Danny's been very, so far she's been like a nanny. 0.98

00:06:05.540 She said, fix your hair. 1.00

00:06:07.240 She has that kind of nanny. 1.00

00:06:08.600 Just, she needs to go like, look, you, you have to, 0.99

00:06:12.480 you know, iron your shirt, just kind of taking care of me,

00:06:17.860 walking around, you know, zip up your fly.

00:06:20.260 And then sort of like, you have to pay your insurance.

00:06:23.460 That bill's, you know, been sitting there for three months.

00:06:26.720 Things like that.

00:06:27.600 Like keep, keep me on track.

00:06:29.860 What you really need is not a Danny.

00:06:31.560 You need an Abby. 0.77

00:06:32.520 Abby's my assistant.

00:06:33.580 And that's what she does. 0.90

00:06:34.300 She does everything for me.

00:06:35.320 It's one, I mean, today I sent her just a random text saying

00:06:39.400 this night in April, Yardley play.

00:06:42.120 That's it.

00:06:42.540 Like no information.

00:06:43.760 She's just got to figure it out from that point.

00:06:45.820 I'm turning into Anna Wintour, you know, right?

00:06:48.100 She's like, bore someone else with your questions,

00:06:50.880 but you need an Abby.

00:06:52.400 You need an assistant.

00:06:54.180 I really do really bad.

00:06:56.040 I think maybe I need both of them.

00:06:57.260 I also want a night nanny. 0.99

00:06:58.720 And what that is, you know, you're on the couch

00:07:00.460 and you're really tired,

00:07:02.440 but you have to get up and floss and brush your teeth

00:07:05.260 and get your bed.

00:07:06.460 I just want someone to pick me up,

00:07:08.740 you know, like a child and then floss for me.

00:07:11.740 Like put me in bed and just floss my mouth

00:07:13.420 and brush my teeth as my bed.

00:07:15.260 And then, cause you can go from like tired couch

00:07:17.060 right into your bed.

00:07:19.960 So you need, you need a large woman, 1.00

00:07:22.280 a large size woman who doesn't want to ever have sex with you. 1.00

00:07:26.980 Cause I don't believe any woman wants to have sex with a man 1.00

00:07:28.960 that she sees floss. 0.98

00:07:30.620 Yeah.

00:07:32.260 Flossing is disgusting when you really think about it

00:07:35.260 and you're flicking like food, all of your house,

00:07:38.180 your mirror, right?

00:07:39.240 It's like, you really got to do cleanup after the floss.

00:07:42.520 I've been married to Doug for almost 15 years now.

00:07:45.600 Never once have I seen him floss.

00:07:47.200 In fact, he almost did it last week.

00:07:49.260 And I was like, we've made it 15 years.

00:07:51.120 What are you doing?

00:07:51.860 No, wait until I get out of the bathroom.

00:07:54.080 No, he knows.

00:07:54.800 I don't want to see that.

00:07:55.640 And I would never even try doing that in front of him.

00:07:57.340 Cause I, I think it's important even after 15 years

00:07:59.960 and I'm 51 years old to try to keep the, you know, heat alive.

00:08:03.760 Try to keep it at least possible.

00:08:05.440 I think that's great.

00:08:06.340 I think that's smart.

00:08:07.420 And I, I wonder why there isn't a floss invention.

00:08:12.020 That's mostly hard to do,

00:08:13.120 but just like something you just put in your mouth,

00:08:14.720 it does it and take it out.

00:08:16.160 You know what I mean?

00:08:17.320 That's brilliant.

00:08:18.660 I mean, wouldn't that be the, everyone would get that.

00:08:21.720 Well, cause what do you do at the restaurant

00:08:23.200 when you realize that there's food in your teeth,

00:08:25.300 but you're not supposed to pick your teeth.

00:08:27.180 So then you get up and you go to the bathroom

00:08:28.780 and you take care of the issue.

00:08:30.740 Then you come back, you eat more.

00:08:32.720 And then what if you get more in there?

00:08:34.120 Then you get like, people keep,

00:08:35.240 you go into the restroom 20 times.

00:08:36.980 People think you have a cocaine habit.

00:08:38.760 Do you bring, people do think that about me.

00:08:41.340 Do you bring floss to the restaurant?

00:08:43.240 Always.

00:08:43.620 I've always got it in my bags.

00:08:46.560 Cocaine?

00:08:47.680 Oh, floss. 0.99

00:08:48.240 Do you know, I've never, my audience knows

00:08:51.420 that I'm kind of a goody two-shoes. 0.82

00:08:53.320 I've literally never tried a drug.

00:08:56.540 Really?

00:08:57.200 Yeah.

00:08:57.800 I'm sure that's strange in the comedy world,

00:08:59.920 but like never, never.

00:09:01.860 I've never tried a drug.

00:09:02.220 I'm not a big druggie.

00:09:03.140 Alcohol?

00:09:03.940 Yes.

00:09:04.300 That's my only drug of choice.

00:09:05.880 Yes.

00:09:06.280 All day long.

00:09:06.920 Yes.

00:09:07.140 As much as humanly possible.

00:09:09.280 I'm too drunk to find my cocaine.

00:09:13.160 Yeah.

00:09:13.520 I'm not a big drug person.

00:09:14.620 I never tried cocaine or heroin.

00:09:16.520 At this point, I feel like it's dangerous

00:09:20.060 for me to try that stuff.

00:09:21.680 Well, what do you make up?

00:09:22.380 I was just reading, there's this great guy.

00:09:25.380 His name is Rav Arora, and he's a writer,

00:09:27.660 and he's only 20 years old.

00:09:29.140 He's Canadian, but he's very provocative, 0.99

00:09:31.820 and he's written a lot of great pieces

00:09:33.580 over COVID and so on about being young.

00:09:36.240 He's anti-woke.

00:09:38.220 He's a man of color, but he's anti-woke, 1.00

00:09:40.240 and he's written some pretty brave pieces.

00:09:42.080 Anyway, he recently wrote a piece

00:09:43.360 about dealing with his depression,

00:09:45.360 and he tried, I'm going to screw up the letters,

00:09:48.900 but is it MDNA, like ketamine, that kind of thing?

00:09:52.860 And more and more people are trying this,

00:09:54.200 where it's like this psychedelic

00:09:55.360 that you take in the presence of a doctor,

00:09:58.620 some sort of a psychiatrist or what have you.

00:10:00.620 They give it to you.

00:10:01.700 You're under their supervision the whole time,

00:10:03.980 and it's supposed to really help with depression.

00:10:06.900 I almost took that.

00:10:08.680 I was too scared,

00:10:09.360 because the high, or whatever you want to call it,

00:10:12.220 is it sounds terrifying to me.

00:10:14.480 You sort of lose your ego and your sense of being in your body,

00:10:20.180 and they say it's like a near-death experience.

00:10:22.440 I guess it's the same drug that gets released

00:10:24.780 when you die in your brain.

00:10:27.060 I might be wrong about that, 0.53

00:10:28.700 but it sounds terrifying to me.

00:10:31.920 If it looks like I'm looking over,

00:10:34.620 you're in two different spots on my computer.

00:10:36.960 I'm trying to handle this.

00:10:38.400 Let's see.

00:10:38.960 I'm not looking away from you.

00:10:40.020 I'll tell you when you're looking into the camera.

00:10:41.940 Not now.

00:10:43.500 You're here and here,

00:10:44.540 so I'm not looking at you.

00:10:45.820 Look up.

00:10:46.100 I'm always looking at you.

00:10:47.660 Just know that.

00:10:48.120 Don't look at me.

00:10:49.300 Try to look into the camera,

00:10:51.260 which means...

00:10:51.960 Sorry.

00:10:52.480 Yeah.

00:10:52.800 Oh, you just had it.

00:10:54.180 Look.

00:10:54.420 Yes.

00:10:55.040 There.

00:10:55.900 That's camera.

00:10:56.480 You're just looking into a void.

00:10:58.480 Welcome to my world.

00:10:59.500 Me too.

00:11:00.040 Well, here I'm at Sirius today.

00:11:01.840 All the power in my house.

00:11:02.760 I normally do the show from my house,

00:11:03.760 but all the power in my house was shut down today.

00:11:05.940 And so I came into Sirius,

00:11:08.260 and now the television monitor,

00:11:10.860 like the camera that is,

00:11:12.040 is like two feet above the actual monitor.

00:11:14.480 So if I want to read a prompter,

00:11:15.700 because sometimes they put stuff in the prompter,

00:11:17.260 the advertisements and so on,

00:11:19.420 I'm not looking at the camera.

00:11:20.480 It's a little awkward.

00:11:21.920 I'm going to draw a picture of you

00:11:22.980 and then put it at the top of my computer.

00:11:25.160 All right?

00:11:25.720 Could you just shave off like 15 years?

00:11:28.120 That'd be awesome.

00:11:29.280 You look great.

00:11:30.000 I'll show you.

00:11:31.140 Oh, God.

00:11:31.540 You're doing it now.

00:11:32.520 Yeah, I got that.

00:11:33.540 So I'm going to put this at the top

00:11:35.220 so we can see Megan.

00:11:40.520 It's like a ghost.

00:11:44.540 No, this actually helps in a weird way.

00:11:46.500 All right.

00:11:46.920 Okay.

00:11:47.800 There we go.

00:11:48.680 There we go.

00:11:49.120 Hi, Megan.

00:11:49.620 It's a mystery to me

00:11:50.900 why you flubbed your audition for SNL.

00:11:53.420 Oh, my God.

00:11:54.220 That was so painful to talk about until recently

00:11:58.480 because, you know, for many years,

00:12:02.060 I just thought I had to go back

00:12:03.880 and live with my mother, you know?

00:12:05.680 Like this was not working out.

00:12:07.460 In Connecticut.

00:12:08.860 In Connecticut.

00:12:09.700 Wow.

00:12:10.640 Wow.

00:12:11.060 You do your research.

00:12:11.900 Well, I recently moved there

00:12:13.220 and I read you said something like,

00:12:16.100 I can't remember how you put it,

00:12:17.780 but it was like,

00:12:18.320 I grew up with absolutely no edge.

00:12:19.880 Yes.

00:12:22.260 I don't remember saying that,

00:12:23.220 but that is true.

00:12:24.400 Where in Connecticut are you?

00:12:26.440 So I don't reveal that publicly.

00:12:28.520 We'll talk later.

00:12:30.040 What's your exact,

00:12:31.540 what's your social security number?

00:12:34.340 How much do you weigh? 1.00

00:12:35.160 I'm a fat piece of ass. 1.00

00:12:39.660 I'm afraid of saying swears. 1.00

00:12:41.920 What's the thing on here?

00:12:43.000 I get demonetized all the time,

00:12:44.320 so I try to be careful for other people.

00:12:45.920 No, you're allowed.

00:12:46.400 We have the explicit rating on our show,

00:12:49.320 so you're allowed to swear. 1.00

00:12:50.480 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:12:50.980 I'm not going to be joining you 1.00

00:12:52.620 because I took a vow,

00:12:54.680 my Lenten vow,

00:12:55.940 to give up swearing for Lent 0.99

00:12:57.340 and I have done the worst fucking job at it. 0.99

00:13:00.720 What? 0.99

00:13:03.640 Yeah.

00:13:04.540 It sounds like you're having a tough time,

00:13:07.400 but I think that is a good idea.

00:13:08.760 I would like to stop saying like.

00:13:10.600 So if I say like,

00:13:12.320 maybe you could admonish me.

00:13:13.540 If you swear,

00:13:14.920 I don't,

00:13:15.260 I could give you a dollar

00:13:16.320 if I say like

00:13:17.500 and you give me a dollar

00:13:18.440 and you swear.

00:13:19.300 I like that.

00:13:19.700 I need somebody to get me

00:13:21.100 the little taboo buzzer.

00:13:22.400 You know, the taboo buzzer.

00:13:24.100 You need a shot caller, 0.95

00:13:25.080 like a dog, 0.98

00:13:25.840 you know,

00:13:26.180 when they walk out of your yard area.

00:13:28.380 Don't get me started.

00:13:30.480 My audience doesn't.

00:13:31.120 So I have two dogs.

00:13:32.820 One is three.

00:13:33.980 What kind?

00:13:34.660 They're both English labs.

00:13:36.300 One's yellow and one's red

00:13:37.580 and little red is almost a year old

00:13:40.960 and he's so bad.

00:13:42.600 His name is Strudwick

00:13:43.380 or as my mom calls him,

00:13:44.460 Shruti or Schroeder or Stud.

00:13:46.800 She has no idea.

00:13:48.700 So Strudwick is a weird name.

00:13:50.160 I grant my mom that.

00:13:51.380 Anyway, he's so bad.

00:13:52.980 He literally will jump up

00:13:54.440 on the counter

00:13:54.820 and eat the food

00:13:55.480 just this morning.

00:13:56.200 It's Friday.

00:13:56.940 So my husband makes pancakes

00:13:57.960 for the kids on Fridays

00:13:58.780 and literally ate

00:14:00.600 my daughter's three pancakes

00:14:02.480 right off of the plate

00:14:03.800 as he took them off the griddle.

00:14:05.460 And all my audience is like, 1.00

00:14:06.920 you are the dumbass. 1.00

00:14:08.480 Put your dog in the crate. 1.00

00:14:09.440 So we tried that.

00:14:10.160 He barks all morning.

00:14:11.020 Put him outside.

00:14:11.640 He barks all morning.

00:14:12.780 Okay.

00:14:13.100 Walk around the kitchen

00:14:13.920 with him on the leash.

00:14:15.160 I did that.

00:14:15.760 He still jumps up like you can't

00:14:17.420 can't get anything done.

00:14:18.600 I don't know what to do.

00:14:20.060 Have you tried a trainer

00:14:21.340 like someone to come

00:14:22.200 like that Cesar Milan guy?

00:14:23.980 Yes.

00:14:24.560 We spent a lot of money

00:14:26.180 to send him away

00:14:27.220 to what I call

00:14:28.240 military reform school.

00:14:30.040 And he apparently flunked out.

00:14:31.520 He came back

00:14:32.000 and for a week, Kyle,

00:14:33.180 he was amazing.

00:14:34.380 And then he went right back to

00:14:35.520 and I know that's you.

00:14:37.220 I know it.

00:14:37.900 But like he wasn't doing

00:14:39.060 any of the bad stuff

00:14:39.800 until he did the bad stuff.

00:14:40.960 And you can't just sit there

00:14:42.180 all day long in the kitchen.

00:14:43.480 I got things to do

00:14:44.280 waiting to shock him

00:14:46.200 if he gets up

00:14:47.000 on those hind legs.

00:14:48.840 Yeah.

00:14:49.880 Are you afraid to be mean?

00:14:52.280 Do you feel like

00:14:52.640 you're being mean to your dog?

00:14:54.040 I was at first.

00:14:55.120 I didn't at first

00:14:56.020 want to use that shock collar

00:14:57.000 because my good friend

00:14:57.700 at dog training was like,

00:14:58.620 no, it's inhuman.

00:14:59.400 I was like, you're right.

00:15:00.400 And then he kept trying 0.99

00:15:01.840 to eat my other dog's crap. 0.97

00:15:03.660 And I was like, 0.99

00:15:04.580 one flew over the cuckoo's nest.

00:15:07.840 Yeah.

00:15:08.220 Yeah.

00:15:08.620 It doesn't work.

00:15:09.420 I had my last night

00:15:11.920 I gave my dog a bone

00:15:13.540 and she had this,

00:15:15.940 a shard came off

00:15:17.180 like two inches

00:15:17.940 and it was sharp.

00:15:19.220 And I saw it in her mouth

00:15:20.740 and I went over

00:15:21.520 because I was really scared

00:15:22.300 she'd swallow it.

00:15:23.580 And she saw me coming

00:15:24.900 thinking I would want 0.96

00:15:25.720 a disgusting bone 0.87

00:15:26.900 and she swallowed it. 0.94

00:15:28.440 She's a tiny dog.

00:15:29.620 So I'm just monitoring her.

00:15:30.980 What kind of dog is she? 1.00

00:15:31.920 She's a pug chihuahua. 1.00

00:15:33.800 Oh, right.

00:15:34.760 She doesn't have any room in there.

00:15:36.540 No.

00:15:36.920 And she's very bad

00:15:37.960 and it's my fault.

00:15:38.760 I'm not a good discipliner.

00:15:41.940 I think it's funny

00:15:42.540 when she does bad things.

00:15:44.140 Like what?

00:15:44.940 What else does she do? 1.00

00:15:45.580 What's she do that's funny bad? 1.00

00:15:46.620 I would love funny bad.

00:15:47.800 I have truly distressing bad.

00:15:50.160 Yeah.

00:15:50.320 Yours sounds pretty bad.

00:15:51.840 Mine,

00:15:52.140 she just like growls 1.00

00:15:53.020 and barks at me.

00:15:54.020 She always wants food 0.99

00:15:56.120 and she's just a brat 1.00

00:15:57.600 about food

00:15:58.220 and just constantly barking

00:15:59.340 at me.

00:15:59.760 I don't know.

00:16:00.200 And growling. 0.67

00:16:01.280 I think it's funny.

00:16:02.720 She's probably trying

00:16:04.000 to give you a warning

00:16:04.580 about your hair.

00:16:06.660 We have good friends

00:16:07.540 who have Bernese mountain dogs.

00:16:09.780 You know,

00:16:09.960 those big old hairy dogs.

00:16:12.520 They kind of look

00:16:12.960 like one step removed

00:16:14.220 from a St. Bernard.

00:16:15.360 They're beautiful.

00:16:16.640 And their one dog,

00:16:17.380 and I guess these dogs,

00:16:18.420 it's the thing with these dogs,

00:16:19.460 they love to eat socks.

00:16:21.020 And even when you're that big,

00:16:22.380 socks are a real problem.

00:16:24.020 So their one dog

00:16:24.780 ate a big sock

00:16:25.900 and they brought it

00:16:27.000 to the vet

00:16:27.380 and the vet was like,

00:16:28.700 yeah,

00:16:28.900 he's going to need an operation.

00:16:30.160 I'm like,

00:16:30.420 what?

00:16:31.120 So it's going to be

00:16:31.680 an operation to take it out

00:16:32.780 and it's going to be $8,000.

00:16:34.940 Our friends are like,

00:16:35.640 oh my God.

00:16:36.840 So they paid it.

00:16:37.940 We love our animals.

00:16:38.660 They paid it.

00:16:39.820 And a couple months later,

00:16:41.920 he did it again.

00:16:44.080 Oh my God.

00:16:44.560 So the husband looks

00:16:45.580 at the wife,

00:16:46.020 and he goes,

00:16:46.800 so like the dog's totaled,

00:16:48.820 right?

00:16:49.340 He's totaled.

00:16:50.440 Did they just kill the dog?

00:16:53.260 No,

00:16:53.780 of course not.

00:16:54.460 They wound up paying

00:16:55.140 another $8,000

00:16:57.240 and now no one

00:16:58.180 in their family

00:16:58.620 can wear socks.

00:17:00.620 What about,

00:17:01.280 like what is the price?

00:17:02.600 Because there must be a price

00:17:04.000 where you wouldn't

00:17:04.740 save your dogs.

00:17:05.740 I think about that.

00:17:06.960 There definitely is.

00:17:07.920 What is the price?

00:17:09.460 I don't know.

00:17:10.280 There is.

00:17:10.760 I don't know what

00:17:11.500 the answer is.

00:17:12.680 I don't,

00:17:13.100 you know,

00:17:13.280 I had a biter. 0.96

00:17:14.540 This dog bit 17 people

00:17:15.960 and I didn't have the heart

00:17:17.060 to put him down.

00:17:17.680 I couldn't do it.

00:17:18.680 So I gave him to my sister.

00:17:20.520 God bless my sister. 1.00

00:17:22.720 She took him,

00:17:23.580 but so I just,

00:17:24.320 I don't think I could ever

00:17:25.200 like put the dog down

00:17:26.600 because of what if it was

00:17:27.600 like 15.

00:17:28.460 It was like all of your money

00:17:30.020 and you'd be homeless.

00:17:31.180 Would you?

00:17:32.380 There's always a different

00:17:33.340 solution.

00:17:33.960 Come on.

00:17:34.280 I mean,

00:17:34.380 like why,

00:17:35.260 how could that be

00:17:35.820 the only option?

00:17:37.040 This is in my scenario,

00:17:38.500 in my fun scenario,

00:17:39.920 you have to choose.

00:17:41.780 I mean,

00:17:42.300 the dog's probably got,

00:17:43.180 let's say the dog

00:17:43.760 has like three years left

00:17:45.140 and it's like $30 million.

00:17:47.140 All right.

00:17:47.540 Well,

00:17:47.620 then I Doug has to do it.

00:17:49.780 Okay.

00:17:50.260 Get someone else to do it.

00:17:50.960 Or Abby. 0.92

00:17:52.300 Yeah.

00:17:52.820 There was a dog

00:17:53.700 who attacked me

00:17:54.220 when I was younger.

00:17:55.260 I was going to see

00:17:56.240 its puppies.

00:17:57.420 Oh,

00:17:57.580 it's,

00:17:57.740 it's siblings puppies.

00:17:59.180 It was like a mother

00:17:59.740 and there was like a brother

00:18:01.020 and then she had a new litter

00:18:02.280 and I walked to my friends

00:18:04.120 and then suddenly

00:18:05.340 my two friends

00:18:05.980 in front of me,

00:18:06.800 they split

00:18:07.560 like that.

00:18:08.860 They both ran

00:18:09.560 and I looked

00:18:10.260 and there's a dog

00:18:11.460 in my ear

00:18:11.840 at this English pointer

00:18:12.760 with its mouth open

00:18:13.600 and I put my arm up,

00:18:15.380 you know,

00:18:15.520 to protect my face

00:18:16.420 and it just clamped on

00:18:17.800 and just was like shaking

00:18:18.920 and like tore

00:18:20.700 like my arm here.

00:18:22.300 I'm fine.

00:18:22.800 But I was like 12

00:18:23.900 and I was in shock

00:18:24.900 and then the owner

00:18:26.740 was like,

00:18:27.160 give him a treat

00:18:27.760 so he knows you're friendly

00:18:28.660 which is insane.

00:18:30.300 And so I was trembling

00:18:31.220 and I gave the dog

00:18:32.380 like a treat

00:18:32.980 and I was like,

00:18:33.500 and then the dog disappeared.

00:18:36.980 I don't know what happened

00:18:37.720 but my father was a lawyer

00:18:39.740 and I think

00:18:40.660 it's like something

00:18:41.800 went on.

00:18:43.340 Don't ask.

00:18:44.040 My father was gone.

00:18:45.220 I didn't ask.

00:18:46.300 That's the thing.

00:18:47.060 Like my parents,

00:18:47.800 we had a biter

00:18:48.400 when I was growing up.

00:18:49.200 Bozo was his name

00:18:50.000 and he went to the farm

00:18:50.980 and I literally,

00:18:52.160 I think I was 30

00:18:52.740 by the time I realized

00:18:53.520 there was no farm.

00:18:54.400 That was a lie.

00:18:56.200 Yes.

00:18:57.360 The farm.

00:18:58.580 My father,

00:18:59.360 I'm making my father awful

00:19:00.580 but we were in the Dominican Republic

00:19:01.900 and on vacation

00:19:03.200 and my parents wanted us to see

00:19:05.060 like there's people

00:19:05.820 that are like very impoverished

00:19:08.480 and you have a very lucky,

00:19:09.800 you know,

00:19:09.940 they were trying to show us

00:19:10.620 and so we were in a rental car

00:19:13.180 and there was a dog

00:19:14.320 ahead of us running in circles

00:19:15.900 like kind of around its owner

00:19:17.700 and my dad just didn't see

00:19:19.700 that that was happening

00:19:20.440 and he thought the dog

00:19:21.620 was running out into the road

00:19:22.900 so he tried to swerve

00:19:23.840 around the dog

00:19:24.900 like this way

00:19:26.300 but the dog was like

00:19:27.260 doing a circle

00:19:27.880 and he just hit the dog

00:19:29.800 and then we just kept on going

00:19:31.600 because it was like

00:19:32.200 a dangerous neighborhood

00:19:33.140 and like no one,

00:19:35.340 we just didn't speak

00:19:36.240 in the car at all

00:19:37.360 and it was his birthday

00:19:38.300 the next day

00:19:38.860 my mother wrote dog killer

00:19:40.280 on Happy Birthday Dog Killer.

00:19:41.700 It was a hit and run?

00:19:43.180 It was a hit and run.

00:19:44.720 And your dad is named Joe Biden.

00:19:47.220 And that man is Joe Biden.

00:19:49.060 Come on, man.

00:19:50.340 Yes.

00:19:50.760 I'm sorry,

00:19:51.260 but the stuff with like

00:19:52.440 our leaders and their dogs,

00:19:53.700 it's weird.

00:19:54.500 Like why did Joe Biden,

00:19:56.540 like the German Shepherd

00:19:57.680 suddenly was gone?

00:19:58.900 It was like,

00:19:59.560 it was kind of like-

00:20:00.360 Oh, is that right?

00:20:00.960 Remember?

00:20:01.460 Yeah, the dog was problematic.

00:20:02.620 It was like,

00:20:03.060 it had bitten some people

00:20:04.240 and suddenly it was gone

00:20:05.280 and they had a new one.

00:20:06.500 It was like,

00:20:06.760 what happened to the old one?

00:20:07.780 Champ,

00:20:08.100 I can't remember his name.

00:20:09.120 And what about Mitt Romney

00:20:10.140 putting his dog

00:20:10.860 in the crate

00:20:11.760 on the top of his car

00:20:12.980 for long-

00:20:13.780 Oh, that's right.

00:20:14.680 Like on the highway road trips

00:20:16.700 and he's like,

00:20:17.120 the dog liked it.

00:20:18.780 Challenge.

00:20:20.840 Yeah,

00:20:21.280 they always have to have

00:20:22.280 like a pet

00:20:23.360 that's part of the,

00:20:24.920 like the family,

00:20:27.020 the president family.

00:20:28.180 What's that called?

00:20:29.040 I think it's a tell.

00:20:30.040 Like people who don't 1.00

00:20:30.700 treat their dogs well.

00:20:31.620 And for the record,

00:20:32.520 I do treat Stradwick well.

00:20:34.160 I only joke about

00:20:35.280 the one flew over

00:20:36.460 to the cuckoo's neck.

00:20:37.980 They're really nice.

00:20:38.780 Exactly.

00:20:39.400 But I just,

00:20:40.240 I'm not a good trainer.

00:20:41.060 That's obvious.

00:20:41.560 But there's something wrong

00:20:42.320 with people who don't

00:20:42.800 treat their dogs right.

00:20:43.540 Or they're like,

00:20:45.200 I don't like,

00:20:45.980 they don't like,

00:20:46.520 I don't like dogs.

00:20:47.540 They go,

00:20:47.880 oh,

00:20:48.220 it makes me nervous.

00:20:49.880 Then I can't like you.

00:20:51.780 There is something,

00:20:52.800 I've dated girls 0.94

00:20:53.740 that have big dogs

00:20:54.880 and I don't like that.

00:20:56.820 Why?

00:20:57.180 To be honest.

00:20:57.820 Why?

00:20:58.000 Because like,

00:20:59.200 if they like have the dog

00:21:00.640 in bed with them,

00:21:01.460 it's like the three of us

00:21:02.560 in the bed

00:21:03.120 and it's like, 0.99

00:21:04.380 the dog has like balls 0.98

00:21:06.380 and, 0.98

00:21:07.080 I'm sorry.

00:21:07.760 Like,

00:21:08.020 you know,

00:21:08.420 the dollar.

00:21:09.780 Oh no,

00:21:10.020 that's me.

00:21:10.460 I have to pay the dollar

00:21:11.180 for bad language.

00:21:11.920 Oh, sorry.

00:21:12.420 Like there,

00:21:13.860 there's like a giant

00:21:14.980 other dude in the bed.

00:21:16.800 Do you know what I mean?

00:21:17.720 No,

00:21:18.200 that's not.

00:21:18.960 No,

00:21:19.200 I don't.

00:21:19.860 It's a dog.

00:21:20.700 Yeah,

00:21:20.840 you do.

00:21:21.400 Yeah,

00:21:21.660 you do.

00:21:23.780 I'm not sure.

00:21:24.620 Like those big dogs,

00:21:25.240 like there's another guy there.

00:21:27.220 I don't know.

00:21:28.480 Maybe I'm wrong.

00:21:29.300 I could be wrong.

00:21:30.040 So here's a,

00:21:30.520 here's an inappropriate question.

00:21:32.060 Unlike all the other ones

00:21:32.940 I've asked.

00:21:33.400 Yeah.

00:21:33.560 What about like having action

00:21:35.120 when the dog's in the room?

00:21:37.300 Yeah,

00:21:37.940 that,

00:21:38.260 no,

00:21:38.540 yeah,

00:21:38.700 that's not good.

00:21:39.620 No.

00:21:40.000 Well,

00:21:40.120 like,

00:21:40.300 have you done it?

00:21:41.780 I mean,

00:21:42.760 it's been a long time.

00:21:44.240 Is it on your mind?

00:21:45.400 Like,

00:21:45.620 you shouldn't be seeing this.

00:21:47.220 Yes.

00:21:47.620 Some,

00:21:48.000 some dogs,

00:21:49.120 if they're not,

00:21:50.260 some might to get involved.

00:21:51.820 Like my dog cannot be in the room

00:21:53.880 because she wants to be part of it.

00:21:57.220 And so she has to be locked up.

00:21:59.400 So there's a lot of barking.

00:22:00.600 So what,

00:22:01.000 I'm really making myself look good.

00:22:03.300 You would,

00:22:03.720 you would,

00:22:04.280 you might be on the,

00:22:05.220 you might get a letter.

00:22:05.940 You might be quote queer 0.99

00:22:07.000 and deserve a letter for that. 0.62

00:22:08.580 There's gotta be some new letter for that.

00:22:10.380 I would love to get a letter.

00:22:12.180 Oh my God.

00:22:13.440 I mean,

00:22:13.860 half of the country wants one.

00:22:15.280 I don't understand it.

00:22:16.100 I think they're glommers. 0.80

00:22:17.100 It's like,

00:22:17.560 there's the original LGBTQ 1.00

00:22:18.980 and now it's like,

00:22:20.580 I'm two spirit.

00:22:21.220 I'm tree spirit.

00:22:22.000 I'm moon spirit.

00:22:22.720 No,

00:22:22.840 you're not.

00:22:23.180 That's a lie. 0.98

00:22:23.700 You're a glommer. 0.98

00:22:25.220 It,

00:22:25.640 it is amazing how it never,

00:22:29.080 it's sort of like we put people in category.

00:22:30.300 So we can bunch people in like folders

00:22:32.900 on your computer on the desktop.

00:22:35.940 And then it,

00:22:36.960 once it started,

00:22:37.520 like you can open that folder.

00:22:38.820 It just,

00:22:39.540 it's like those Russian dolls where it's like,

00:22:41.220 well,

00:22:41.300 you can just keep defining people.

00:22:44.200 Everybody's completely,

00:22:45.400 everybody's an individual.

00:22:47.220 Like you just go,

00:22:48.100 you can go as deep as you want

00:22:49.040 and have everyone have their own thing.

00:22:51.040 It's so true. 0.84

00:22:52.200 Wait,

00:22:52.440 when we come back,

00:22:52.960 I'm going to squeeze in a break.

00:22:53.640 When we come back,

00:22:54.120 I got to ask my team to pull that Justin Trudeau soundbite

00:22:56.280 that we all love so much,

00:22:57.260 where he tries to list all the latest letters.

00:22:59.440 And even Justin Trudeau can't do it.

00:23:01.560 It's actually very amusing.

00:23:03.000 Stand by,

00:23:03.620 Kyle,

00:23:03.960 I'll pay a bill.

00:23:05.060 And more with comedian Kyle Dunnigan right after this.

00:23:08.020 Don't go away.

00:23:08.480 Now streaming on Paramount Plus.

00:23:15.160 Someone is trying to frame us.

00:23:17.400 Until our names are cleared.

00:23:19.900 We're fugitives from interval.

00:23:21.680 Like Bonnie and Clyde with better snacks.

00:23:25.180 Espionage.

00:23:25.760 You still as good a shot as you used to be?

00:23:28.900 Better.

00:23:29.580 Is there love language?

00:23:31.060 We like to walk that fine line between techno thriller

00:23:33.540 and romantic comedy.

00:23:36.400 We make up our own rules.

00:23:38.160 NCIS Tony and Ziva.

00:23:39.860 Now streaming on Paramount Plus.

00:23:47.100 Okay,

00:23:47.680 can we play the Justin Trudeau soundbite

00:23:49.100 of him trying to say all the letters

00:23:50.500 because it's too delicious not to run

00:23:51.940 as often as possible.

00:23:53.640 Here it is.

00:23:54.020 I will never apologize

00:23:55.660 for standing up

00:23:57.280 for an

00:23:58.240 LGBTQ

00:23:58.840 plus

00:24:04.540 kids' rights

00:24:06.680 to not have to undergo

00:24:09.120 conversion therapy.

00:24:11.560 Oh my God.

00:24:12.660 That is,

00:24:13.120 I have not seen that.

00:24:14.300 That's pretty good.

00:24:15.020 Isn't it amazing?

00:24:16.080 It's one of my absolute favorites.

00:24:18.420 There's more too.

00:24:19.540 Like he didn't even get through

00:24:20.540 half of them.

00:24:21.440 No,

00:24:21.760 that when I was saying like

00:24:22.600 tree spirit,

00:24:23.180 moon spirit,

00:24:24.060 that's actually a thing.

00:24:26.020 I only,

00:24:26.300 I only know,

00:24:26.900 or moon gender

00:24:27.940 and tree gender.

00:24:28.720 I only know what my gender is

00:24:30.200 when the moon comes out.

00:24:33.080 That's really interesting.

00:24:35.720 Have you ever tried to think about like,

00:24:38.000 maybe I'm something else

00:24:39.960 and thought about like,

00:24:41.380 maybe I'm a tree.

00:24:42.780 You ever open yourself up to that?

00:24:44.580 No,

00:24:45.080 no,

00:24:45.520 I'm pretty linear

00:24:46.420 in my approach to most,

00:24:47.680 most issues.

00:24:48.840 And you know,

00:24:49.680 the thing,

00:24:50.180 it bothers me

00:24:50.920 because they dangle it now

00:24:52.280 in front of these kids.

00:24:53.160 It's like,

00:24:53.780 it's an option.

00:24:54.280 Like maybe you're,

00:24:55.260 maybe you're a tree.

00:24:56.380 You know,

00:24:56.520 you might.

00:24:56.840 That's what I think about.

00:24:57.580 Like when,

00:24:57.980 when I was a kid,

00:24:59.160 if someone was like,

00:25:00.380 you know,

00:25:00.740 you could be whatever.

00:25:01.820 I mean,

00:25:02.040 maybe,

00:25:02.420 yeah,

00:25:02.960 maybe,

00:25:03.180 maybe I am like a,

00:25:04.440 uh,

00:25:05.140 matchbox car.

00:25:06.100 Give it some thought.

00:25:07.840 Well,

00:25:07.980 now just today,

00:25:09.120 no,

00:25:09.700 is it Wednesday?

00:25:10.480 I think,

00:25:10.780 um,

00:25:11.020 HHS just announced that,

00:25:12.580 you know,

00:25:12.900 this big push to sort of recognize,

00:25:15.220 you know,

00:25:15.600 that some kids are trans,

00:25:16.880 which is true.

00:25:18.000 Um,

00:25:18.440 but they're,

00:25:19.180 they're looking to fund so-called top surgery.

00:25:21.820 And I love that they call it top surgery.

00:25:23.560 Like,

00:25:23.820 it's just this like sort of fun thing that you do on top.

00:25:25.820 Yay.

00:25:26.260 I love to be on top.

00:25:27.600 Sure.

00:25:28.320 You know,

00:25:28.660 but if they're talking about double mastectomy for young girls or breast

00:25:33.520 implants for young boys,

00:25:34.880 which I have to tell you,

00:25:36.740 knowing a lot of women who have had double mastectomies,

00:25:39.360 usually they get it because they have that,

00:25:41.280 the gene,

00:25:41.820 you know,

00:25:42.060 the,

00:25:42.420 um,

00:25:43.360 the,

00:25:43.500 the gene that makes it very likely you're going to get breast cancer. 0.73

00:25:46.200 It is traumatic.

00:25:47.820 It is not an easy surgery.

00:25:50.140 And like to just,

00:25:51.020 Oh,

00:25:51.480 top surgery.

00:25:52.160 No,

00:25:52.360 no,

00:25:52.460 no.

00:25:52.720 It's very difficult with a lot of side effects.

00:25:56.320 Yeah.

00:25:57.200 Yeah.

00:25:57.640 It's major.

00:25:58.580 major surgery.

00:26:00.400 And I think about like,

00:26:02.120 I was younger,

00:26:04.260 you know,

00:26:05.080 it's,

00:26:05.540 you kind of,

00:26:06.440 you're trying to find yourself in your,

00:26:08.840 you want attention.

00:26:09.740 I was talking about myself,

00:26:10.600 but like,

00:26:11.320 you know,

00:26:11.560 I want attention. 0.90

00:26:12.080 And the most boring thing is to be a straight white male.

00:26:15.060 And I'd probably be like,

00:26:16.060 gosh,

00:26:16.360 let me try to figure something else out.

00:26:17.880 I might,

00:26:18.200 I might think that.

00:26:19.360 And from new England.

00:26:20.420 I mean,

00:26:20.540 it's like,

00:26:20.920 and new.

00:26:21.740 Oh,

00:26:22.000 so boring.

00:26:23.160 I'm raising two of those right now.

00:26:24.900 I don't understand.

00:26:25.900 I'm married to any,

00:26:27.480 there's no more,

00:26:28.400 boring state than Connecticut.

00:26:30.320 It's trees and like no sports team.

00:26:34.700 And you better get to New York as soon as possible.

00:26:36.760 Well,

00:26:36.900 they're big into ice hockey,

00:26:38.460 very big into ice hockey.

00:26:39.560 Meanwhile,

00:26:39.940 my kids have been living in New York city for the first 10,

00:26:42.300 12 years of their lives.

00:26:43.320 Not,

00:26:43.440 we can't even ice skate.

00:26:44.400 Nevermind play ice hockey.

00:26:45.720 It's hard.

00:26:46.300 I think ice skating is the hardest thing to do.

00:26:49.120 I'm terrible at that.

00:26:51.200 We grew up in,

00:26:51.980 I grew up in Weston,

00:26:53.020 which is right.

00:26:53.900 My mother's in Westport now.

00:26:55.080 She grew up,

00:26:55.800 she's back in the house.

00:26:57.180 She grew up in.

00:26:57.920 Oh,

00:26:58.120 nice.

00:26:58.640 Westport's really nice.

00:26:59.980 It's just,

00:27:00.660 it's just such a nice thing,

00:27:02.020 but there's just nothing there for a child.

00:27:04.200 So I will tell you,

00:27:06.240 I love it.

00:27:06.960 I like,

00:27:07.680 we left Manhattan in September and I have not looked back even a little.

00:27:12.480 I grew up in upstate New York,

00:27:14.020 right?

00:27:14.220 So that's like,

00:27:15.120 I'm sure,

00:27:15.660 you know,

00:27:15.820 where you grew up in Connecticut.

00:27:16.980 And what I love about it,

00:27:18.760 I love driving my kids to school.

00:27:20.140 I love looking out the window and seeing the trees.

00:27:22.200 I love seeing these pretty houses and people out there working on their lawns.

00:27:26.480 You know,

00:27:26.640 that just,

00:27:26.960 it makes me happy.

00:27:27.700 I love seeing kids lined up for the bus stop.

00:27:29.260 I love being able to go to the grocery store and park my car without any stress.

00:27:33.260 And then go inside.

00:27:35.300 And,

00:27:35.420 and it's not like a game of chicken.

00:27:37.200 You know,

00:27:37.640 when you go down the aisle,

00:27:38.640 like it's a fat aisle and I have a fat cart and I can fill it with as much as I want.

00:27:41.920 And then I can put it in my car in the,

00:27:44.060 in the parking lot,

00:27:45.300 as opposed to like trying to hail a cab on Broadway while it's raining and you can't hold your umbrella

00:27:50.360 and your grocery bags and your arms are burning.

00:27:53.340 I don't miss that at all.

00:27:55.020 No,

00:27:55.460 you got it.

00:27:55.920 Those are good points.

00:27:56.940 I'm like I said,

00:27:57.860 looking to move.

00:27:58.720 And I keep imagining here's the thing.

00:28:00.540 Put up for a single guy in Connecticut.

00:28:03.600 Cause it's just so much family.

00:28:05.240 I imagine like it might be lonely for me to just be there and see all these families.

00:28:09.720 And then,

00:28:10.280 well,

00:28:10.740 I mean,

00:28:10.960 I think you need to be near a metropolis,

00:28:12.860 right?

00:28:13.060 Like it would be nice to be near a big city.

00:28:15.460 So you could like scratch that itch and get out and you know,

00:28:18.260 the bar restaurant scene in Manhattan is second to none.

00:28:20.800 That would be good for somebody who's near 20 minutes near or near like an hour and 20 minutes,

00:28:25.480 like 40,

00:28:26.480 50.

00:28:27.140 That would,

00:28:27.400 that'd probably be,

00:28:28.320 but I mean,

00:28:28.900 you're my age,

00:28:29.780 aren't you?

00:28:30.100 51.

00:28:30.760 Yeah,

00:28:31.100 I'm 50.

00:28:31.700 Yeah.

00:28:32.000 So you shouldn't be meeting your wife there anyway. 0.90

00:28:33.920 You should be like a lot younger than you.

00:28:35.780 I'm months younger than you.

00:28:37.240 Wait a minute.

00:28:37.880 Let's get that clear.

00:28:38.460 What month were you born in?

00:28:40.120 May.

00:28:41.700 Wait a minute.

00:28:43.520 You are,

00:28:44.140 I am younger than you.

00:28:45.080 Are you born in 1970?

00:28:46.840 71. 1.00

00:28:47.480 Oh shit. 1.00

00:28:48.060 Yeah. 1.00

00:28:48.440 Oh,

00:28:48.660 a dollar.

00:28:49.680 When's your birthday?

00:28:51.220 November 18th,

00:28:52.040 1970.

00:28:53.440 Okay.

00:28:54.120 Yeah. 1.00

00:28:54.740 Damn. 1.00

00:28:55.180 Good year. 0.99

00:28:55.780 I'm nine years,

00:28:56.780 nine months older than my husband too,

00:28:58.980 man.

00:28:59.180 He rubs it in whenever he can.

00:29:02.500 But anyway,

00:29:03.360 yeah,

00:29:03.600 I think when you're 51,

00:29:04.540 you gotta be set up.

00:29:05.820 You gotta like,

00:29:06.760 I think you and Danny might have a thing.

00:29:08.120 Although she's much younger than you are.

00:29:09.800 She hates my hair. 0.99

00:29:11.480 She hates it.

00:29:13.600 Yeah.

00:29:13.960 I really do think about,

00:29:15.080 I've got to settle down.

00:29:16.020 I got to get my life in order.

00:29:18.200 It's,

00:29:18.540 I don't know what,

00:29:19.120 I feel like I was in a coma for 20 years.

00:29:22.100 You know those people and they wake up,

00:29:23.840 and they go,

00:29:24.560 Oh,

00:29:24.620 it's 2022.

00:29:25.700 And they're like,

00:29:25.900 what?

00:29:26.440 That's what I feel like.

00:29:27.740 I don't know.

00:29:28.540 Time,

00:29:28.980 my life flew by so fast.

00:29:30.480 No,

00:29:30.680 I can relate.

00:29:31.700 And can I tell you,

00:29:32.240 I look around now and it's like,

00:29:33.960 I used to say,

00:29:34.500 you know,

00:29:34.640 you're old when all the NFL football players are younger than you.

00:29:38.460 Like that for me was the moment.

00:29:39.500 I'm like,

00:29:39.780 Oh my God,

00:29:40.080 I'm older than every single one of those guys.

00:29:42.080 My mom used to say, 0.98

00:29:42.980 it's when Mr.

00:29:44.140 Rogers starts to look hot.

00:29:48.060 Has that happened to you yet?

00:29:49.820 No,

00:29:50.340 but I did cross over from looking at Michael Landon on Little House on the Prairie from like,

00:29:54.360 Oh,

00:29:54.780 like he's like a dad to,

00:29:57.020 Oh,

00:29:57.280 he's hot.

00:29:57.980 It looks good.

00:29:58.680 Where are the ones with his shirt off?

00:30:00.720 Yeah.

00:30:00.980 I like that.

00:30:01.620 Mary on that show,

00:30:02.560 but she was,

00:30:02.820 she was blind.

00:30:03.540 I can't see.

00:30:06.480 Pa,

00:30:07.200 pa.

00:30:07.700 That was my favorite episode.

00:30:09.480 I'm getting LASIK next week.

00:30:10.720 I I'm worried.

00:30:11.380 I might become like her.

00:30:12.160 Oh,

00:30:12.180 you are.

00:30:12.720 Yes.

00:30:13.160 I am so scared to get LASIK.

00:30:14.900 I know everyone.

00:30:15.540 It's very safe.

00:30:16.340 I don't want to scare you,

00:30:16.920 but like the only thing I heard about laser beams before LASIK surgery was don't look at a laser beam.

00:30:23.460 And now they're just going to fire it right into your eyeball.

00:30:27.200 Right.

00:30:27.400 Isn't that what they know?

00:30:28.000 I don't know.

00:30:28.680 I don't know.

00:30:29.060 Maybe I have that wrong.

00:30:29.620 This doctor was like,

00:30:30.800 he performs them right in his office.

00:30:32.380 So when I had my consult,

00:30:33.560 he's like,

00:30:33.880 would you like me to watch me do one now?

00:30:36.140 Absolutely not.

00:30:37.560 I,

00:30:37.960 I just want to pretend it's not even happening until I sit there and then it happens.

00:30:42.120 And then I recently found out that you have either bloodshot or bloody eyes for maybe weeks thereafter.

00:30:50.720 So I may be pulling a Ray Charles on this set starting next week.

00:30:55.500 Do you have to look at it while it's happening?

00:30:57.680 Or do you,

00:30:58.220 are you knocked out?

00:30:59.400 They offered like a Valium.

00:31:02.460 I don't know what they offer.

00:31:03.220 They said they,

00:31:03.680 they will offer you some sort of a,

00:31:05.320 you know,

00:31:06.100 chill out kind of drug beforehand.

00:31:08.860 So I don't know that I'm going to need that,

00:31:10.460 but.

00:31:11.260 You're going to see like,

00:31:12.380 okay.

00:31:13.540 Do you,

00:31:13.820 you're going to see it like happening?

00:31:16.620 I'd rather not think about it,

00:31:17.900 Kyle.

00:31:18.200 Let's not get into this.

00:31:18.900 Sorry,

00:31:19.240 sorry,

00:31:19.300 sorry,

00:31:19.540 sorry,

00:31:19.760 sorry,

00:31:19.980 sorry,

00:31:20.160 sorry.

00:31:21.120 I mean,

00:31:21.540 it's safe.

00:31:22.340 Who was the first guy though,

00:31:23.520 to do that?

00:31:24.260 There must've been a first guy that they're never tried before.

00:31:27.060 And we tried it on a mouse and we think he could see better.

00:31:29.800 Had to be an ophthalmologist,

00:31:31.200 right?

00:31:31.420 Had to be one guy practicing it on another the same way.

00:31:34.300 You're like,

00:31:34.640 who's the first person to do a perm on her hair? 1.00

00:31:37.160 Like that's scary to lower stakes though.

00:31:41.640 You think then burning your eyeball with a laser beam.

00:31:45.540 I'm talking to a man who doesn't even own a brush.

00:31:47.480 I this,

00:31:47.800 I should not be getting your opinion.

00:31:48.940 I shouldn't have told you that.

00:31:49.720 Cause now you don't respect me.

00:31:50.960 I could feel it the whole interview.

00:31:52.640 There's been no respects.

00:31:53.920 And I told you about my hair.

00:31:55.140 I'm more concerned that we have the same glasses.

00:31:57.640 Now that I know that you don't care at all about.

00:31:59.840 These are women's glasses. 1.00

00:32:01.160 You're safe.

00:32:02.360 I get,

00:32:02.960 I get,

00:32:03.420 I,

00:32:03.860 I'm not joking.

00:32:04.800 I've bought,

00:32:05.480 I go packs on Amazon.

00:32:08.440 They're like $3 a pair.

00:32:10.020 And I think I've bought 40 or 50 of these.

00:32:12.700 I just keep losing them.

00:32:13.760 And they're just all around my house.

00:32:15.000 Some are broken.

00:32:16.200 I just don't like to ever not be able to grab glasses.

00:32:19.260 So I just put them everywhere.

00:32:20.740 So those are readers.

00:32:22.700 Yeah.

00:32:23.700 See,

00:32:24.200 mine are for distance.

00:32:24.960 I haven't lost the up close stuff yet.

00:32:27.840 But yeah,

00:32:28.680 it's all getting taken care of next week.

00:32:30.560 So now listen,

00:32:31.180 speaking of your love life,

00:32:32.240 you did have two very famous girlfriends,

00:32:36.000 Sarah Silverman and Amy Schumer.

00:32:37.780 Not at the same time.

00:32:38.580 Well,

00:32:39.560 no,

00:32:39.980 is it not true?

00:32:41.660 It wasn't the same time.

00:32:43.340 No,

00:32:43.700 um,

00:32:44.140 Amy,

00:32:44.700 I didn't,

00:32:45.360 she was never my girlfriend.

00:32:47.220 Sarah,

00:32:47.540 I dated for a couple of years,

00:32:48.560 but Amy, 0.77

00:32:49.460 we,

00:32:49.960 we were friendly.

00:32:51.720 This is years and years ago,

00:32:53.500 by the way.

00:32:54.560 Um,

00:32:54.920 now I heard you on Howard show saying she was your ex. 0.97

00:32:58.540 Cause you were living with Amy Schumer and her then current husband.

00:33:02.340 And he was giving you jazz for like being the ex boyfriend who wouldn't leave.

00:33:06.300 This has gotten all out of control.

00:33:08.160 That and D that's like my top Google now.

00:33:10.740 And what happened was.

00:33:15.620 It's a long story,

00:33:16.820 but,

00:33:17.220 um,

00:33:18.220 we had a little bit of a falling out,

00:33:20.140 you know,

00:33:20.420 we don't agree on,

00:33:21.180 on everything,

00:33:21.720 but,

00:33:22.480 but we were friendly years ago.

00:33:24.160 And,

00:33:24.480 um,

00:33:25.200 then we had like a falling out.

00:33:27.100 And then she asked me to write for her show.

00:33:30.600 And I was like,

00:33:31.540 I can't,

00:33:32.680 uh,

00:33:33.560 go to New York.

00:33:34.380 It's like really expensive.

00:33:36.020 I got a mortgage here.

00:33:37.020 And she's like,

00:33:37.840 just stay with us.

00:33:39.180 We was,

00:33:39.540 she has a top floor to a whole building that she has. 1.00

00:33:43.220 And she don't really like in her,

00:33:44.420 it's not like in a place.

00:33:45.900 Like,

00:33:46.500 you know what I mean?

00:33:46.960 Like there's a,

00:33:47.480 uh,

00:33:48.740 elevator and a thing.

00:33:49.980 It's like totally.

00:33:50.840 So anyway,

00:33:51.760 it sounds like I was in like some apartment with them and it was to write for her show.

00:33:56.940 We were never boyfriend and girlfriend and it was such a short,

00:34:01.180 nothing thing.

00:34:02.560 And now anyway,

00:34:03.840 all right.

00:34:04.280 Did you,

00:34:04.880 or did you not have relations with Amy Schumer?

00:34:08.380 I mean,

00:34:08.780 a long time ago.

00:34:09.820 So yes,

00:34:10.360 you were,

00:34:10.900 there was something.

00:34:12.320 So there was,

00:34:13.180 there was a hookup,

00:34:14.380 but it was like,

00:34:15.260 I don't even want to get into it.

00:34:17.200 I don't want to get into it.

00:34:18.480 Cause I don't blame you instead of my business.

00:34:21.240 Um,

00:34:21.640 so my point is I have an interesting question for you because top Google,

00:34:24.740 by the way,

00:34:25.220 I know,

00:34:26.140 I know some people who have dated some very famous women in particular.

00:34:31.080 And I think it's hard for some guys after dating super famous or rich women to like,

00:34:38.740 find someone after that.

00:34:40.420 Cause I don't know why maybe you always want somebody who's famous.

00:34:43.380 Maybe you want somebody with a big career.

00:34:44.580 Maybe you want somebody who's got a lot of dough,

00:34:46.220 who attracts a lot of attention.

00:34:48.140 I,

00:34:48.380 that may or may not be the case for you,

00:34:49.840 but do you,

00:34:50.420 is that a factor in your life?

00:34:51.820 I,

00:34:52.340 well,

00:34:52.840 I don't think I had problems before them.

00:34:54.760 So I don't think it was,

00:34:56.520 uh,

00:34:56.880 um,

00:34:59.400 with Sarah,

00:35:00.380 it,

00:35:00.880 uh,

00:35:01.500 you know,

00:35:02.140 we barely,

00:35:02.920 we didn't even see each other that much.

00:35:04.160 Like every four days we'd see each other.

00:35:05.920 It was,

00:35:06.260 we're both really independent people.

00:35:08.280 And,

00:35:08.720 um,

00:35:09.820 so I've always just been like pretty independent and I think it's tough for a woman to get into 1.00

00:35:16.060 my life and feel,

00:35:17.880 I I'm aware of this now.

00:35:20.520 So I think I,

00:35:22.100 my next relationship,

00:35:23.120 I'm going to,

00:35:23.480 I'm going to be better at it,

00:35:24.780 but I think I,

00:35:25.860 you know,

00:35:26.920 work too much and,

00:35:29.020 um,

00:35:30.240 don't didn't pay enough attention to the girls I was dating. 0.97

00:35:33.580 I wasn't like a,

00:35:34.380 a good boyfriend.

00:35:35.780 I wasn't a cheater,

00:35:36.620 but I wasn't like a good.

00:35:37.780 Okay.

00:35:38.180 But I will submit without knowing anything,

00:35:40.260 you would have paid more attention and been a better boyfriend if you'd been more into them.

00:35:45.240 I mean,

00:35:46.380 this is possible.

00:35:47.280 This is possible.

00:35:48.720 That's true.

00:35:49.340 Actually.

00:35:49.500 I did.

00:35:50.300 There were girls I paid a lot of attention to and they wanted nothing to do with me. 0.99

00:35:52.920 So I do have that capability.

00:35:54.920 Danny.

00:35:56.320 Are you listening?

00:35:57.720 No,

00:35:57.900 but that's the thing.

00:35:58.660 It's like,

00:35:58.980 you know,

00:35:59.120 that movie,

00:35:59.640 he's just not that into you.

00:36:01.140 I mean,

00:36:01.300 that really is a truism.

00:36:02.880 Like if the guy's into you,

00:36:04.940 you don't have to,

00:36:05.700 you don't have to beg him to call you.

00:36:07.080 You don't have to worry about him asking you out.

00:36:09.340 He will call.

00:36:10.280 It is in the male nature to pursue. 0.88

00:36:13.480 And I think it's in the female nature to be pursued. 1.00

00:36:15.720 And we both like being in those roles.

00:36:18.480 And if your instincts are not telling you to do that,

00:36:21.160 this is not the right person for you.

00:36:22.860 But the ones that I do and I have pursued,

00:36:25.560 there is something that's turning.

00:36:27.360 I'm doing something wrong as turning them off.

00:36:29.540 Well,

00:36:29.780 like what?

00:36:30.240 Walk me through it.

00:36:30.820 What are your steps?

00:36:32.660 I just constantly call.

00:36:34.960 And then I call crying.

00:36:37.340 No,

00:36:37.720 I think I'm being cool.

00:36:40.100 And I try to be cool.

00:36:40.940 Maybe that's the problem.

00:36:41.780 I'm trying to be too cool.

00:36:43.200 Well,

00:36:43.440 do you wait for a signal before you initiate the calls?

00:36:46.760 Like there,

00:36:47.240 you know,

00:36:47.620 the woman sort of lays the trap and then you're supposed to fall into it and 1.00

00:36:51.560 then keep chasing and chasing.

00:36:53.260 I thought I'm thinking of this one girl that I liked and it was a long

00:36:56.880 process.

00:36:58.140 And we finally like kind of went out and we hooked up.

00:37:01.560 And then I,

00:37:03.620 I don't know.

00:37:04.300 It just like fell apart.

00:37:05.340 I don't know.

00:37:06.340 Like what,

00:37:07.020 what,

00:37:07.280 well,

00:37:07.720 were you needy?

00:37:08.540 Needy is bad.

00:37:09.400 Remember that line from broadcast news with Oliver Brooks?

00:37:11.540 Like,

00:37:11.700 wouldn't it be great if,

00:37:12.860 well,

00:37:12.960 how does he say it?

00:37:13.480 Like if desperation and insecurity made us more attractive,

00:37:16.060 if needy were a turn on.

00:37:18.620 She ended up dating like a famous person.

00:37:20.380 I think actually that's what happened.

00:37:21.800 She,

00:37:22.340 a famous,

00:37:23.200 a good looking,

00:37:24.180 famous guy approached her.

00:37:25.560 And then I was,

00:37:26.480 well,

00:37:26.580 that's another thing you need to worry about,

00:37:28.020 right?

00:37:28.220 You don't want the star effort.

00:37:30.500 Forgive me.

00:37:31.380 No,

00:37:31.800 I got to get out of that.

00:37:33.540 You don't owe me a dollar for that one.

00:37:34.940 I had to,

00:37:35.560 I had to get out of LA probably.

00:37:37.280 It's probably not a great dating scene.

00:37:39.080 Cause I do feel like there is a,

00:37:40.800 like I said,

00:37:42.120 like, 1.00

00:37:42.560 damn it. 0.99

00:37:43.560 We're going to owe each other. 1.00

00:37:44.560 Let's make a big donation to charity at the end of the show.

00:37:47.620 I know.

00:37:48.460 Abby's going to keep a tally. 1.00

00:37:52.040 There's just,

00:37:52.940 this is not,

00:37:53.700 not the right dating scene.

00:37:55.240 There's everyone's trying to like,

00:37:56.580 it feels like a lot of people are trying to.

00:37:59.000 Right.

00:37:59.820 Well,

00:38:00.000 I've been settled.

00:38:00.860 Everyone's trying to get to another place.

00:38:02.380 And they're like,

00:38:02.900 can you help?

00:38:04.000 I've been to LA many times and I've been to a lot of these big events.

00:38:06.940 And it is so disgusting how so many of the people in the entertainment industry will be talking to you and will literally do the thing you see in the movies of like looking over your shoulder for the,

00:38:19.700 for like the next best or more interesting or more famous person to talk to. 0.83

00:38:24.120 It's so gross. 0.76

00:38:26.720 Yeah.

00:38:28.000 Yeah.

00:38:28.980 So,

00:38:29.420 yeah,

00:38:29.540 not a place you're going to find your future wife, 0.93

00:38:32.000 but where else do you have to be based in LA?

00:38:33.920 I was on a date where I was,

00:38:35.220 I'm sitting across from her at this dinner and she's on her phone just like for a long time.

00:38:42.080 And so I took a picture of her on her phone and I texted it to her,

00:38:46.960 you know,

00:38:47.120 thinking that she would laugh and go like,

00:38:49.320 oh,

00:38:49.920 sorry,

00:38:50.380 I had this important thing,

00:38:51.940 but she just looked at the picture and was like,

00:38:54.020 oh,

00:38:54.140 I do look cute.

00:38:56.940 She thought I was being like,

00:38:58.140 look how cute you are.

00:38:59.500 And I was like,

00:39:00.520 I gotta get out of here.

00:39:02.460 Peace out.

00:39:03.120 I'll be a confirmed bachelor before I live with someone like that. 0.85

00:39:06.700 Yeah.

00:39:07.140 Yeah.

00:39:07.520 I don't blame you.

00:39:08.100 There are a million women who would love to be with you, 1.00

00:39:10.900 Kyle.

00:39:11.180 It's just a question of keeping your standards high and then definitely don't be needy.

00:39:15.480 Nobody wants that in a man or a woman. 1.00

00:39:17.340 I mean,

00:39:17.560 women forget that too. 1.00

00:39:18.620 Women forget that too. 1.00

00:39:19.480 Like,

00:39:20.060 is this not your, 0.99

00:39:20.900 now that you finally had sex with the person,

00:39:22.600 this is not your opportunity to tell him all the things that are wrong with you and the ways in which you expect him to fix you.

00:39:28.280 He's going to run.

00:39:29.820 Yes.

00:39:30.240 Yes.

00:39:30.500 I,

00:39:30.940 I don't think I come off needy.

00:39:33.100 I think,

00:39:33.800 um,

00:39:34.800 if anything,

00:39:35.320 I'm too aloof.

00:39:36.960 Oh no.

00:39:37.600 Aloof is good.

00:39:39.020 No,

00:39:39.540 I don't accept that.

00:39:40.780 I aloof is hot for maybe for a little bit,

00:39:44.700 but then like when you're in the relationship,

00:39:46.020 then you got to dial in a little bit.

00:39:48.560 True.

00:39:49.080 You have to just with her here or there,

00:39:51.620 you got to let the guard down and let her know like you really want her and you think she's amazing.

00:39:55.220 And you know,

00:39:55.740 you might want a future with her and then go back to aloof.

00:39:58.540 Yeah.

00:39:58.860 Do you think marriage,

00:39:59.580 I mean,

00:39:59.740 you're married.

00:40:00.320 Do you think,

00:40:01.260 I don't know if marriage is for everyone though.

00:40:04.540 I don't think,

00:40:05.100 I don't think it is either.

00:40:06.040 I mean,

00:40:06.440 I know that you do a great Bill Maher impression,

00:40:08.940 but I had this discussion with Bill Maher where I was on his show.

00:40:12.360 Okay.

00:40:12.660 Oh,

00:40:13.040 Megan,

00:40:13.360 let's talk about it.

00:40:14.400 Okay.

00:40:15.200 It's amazing.

00:40:16.060 New rule.

00:40:16.760 No more swearing on your show.

00:40:18.520 Okay.

00:40:20.880 I had a conversation with him backstage at a show where I was saying,

00:40:24.100 I disagree with your philosophy on love.

00:40:26.500 I know you think the cost of love is lust.

00:40:29.380 That's not true.

00:40:30.360 I think if you found the right woman and he was basically like, 1.00

00:40:33.040 you're an insane person. 0.98

00:40:34.560 You don't know me at all. 1.00

00:40:35.940 STF you.

00:40:37.420 He,

00:40:38.080 I've heard no good stories about every story about Bill Maher is this funny.

00:40:43.720 I met him too.

00:40:44.960 And yeah.

00:40:46.300 And what did he say to you?

00:40:47.700 He really aggressively ignored me.

00:40:52.260 I was,

00:40:54.080 we went to Hawaii.

00:40:56.960 This is,

00:40:57.660 and he invited Sarah onto his plane and plane.

00:41:02.300 We'd missed our flight.

00:41:03.600 And then I,

00:41:05.340 I mean,

00:41:05.940 on,

00:41:06.800 in his defense,

00:41:08.120 like I'm sure he didn't want me there.

00:41:09.420 He wanted Sarah there.

00:41:10.300 And I was like this barnacle,

00:41:11.620 but he just sick. 0.75

00:41:13.940 I would try to be in the conversation.

00:41:15.440 His back would just bump me out of the circle kind of stuff.

00:41:18.940 So rude.

00:41:20.960 I mean,

00:41:21.260 were you doing the Bill Maher impression prior to that exchange?

00:41:25.080 You know what?

00:41:25.740 No,

00:41:25.980 I was just.

00:41:27.900 And,

00:41:28.340 and Sarah said,

00:41:29.020 he's not being nice.

00:41:29.740 You know,

00:41:30.000 I was like,

00:41:30.260 no.

00:41:30.520 And then I kind of clocked his voice.

00:41:32.700 And I was like,

00:41:33.100 I'm,

00:41:33.420 I,

00:41:33.800 I honestly,

00:41:35.160 like you rarely get someone back in life.

00:41:37.220 And I feel bad.

00:41:38.820 The amount that he's had to see people come up to him all the time.

00:41:43.240 And I've had people and also on,

00:41:46.100 he was on Joe Rogan.

00:41:47.040 He brought me up out of nowhere.

00:41:48.480 Cause it bothers me.

00:41:49.860 He hates my impression.

00:41:50.860 He hates it.

00:41:51.960 Yeah.

00:41:52.280 And he,

00:41:53.000 out of nowhere on Joe Rogan,

00:41:54.080 he goes,

00:41:54.580 and this guy doing a terrible impression of me,

00:41:57.280 blah,

00:41:57.460 blah.

00:41:57.720 And Joe was like,

00:41:58.480 no,

00:41:58.640 it's a good impression.

00:41:59.420 Play it.

00:41:59.920 And then he goes,

00:42:00.380 if you play that,

00:42:00.980 I'm leaving.

00:42:02.520 Really mad about it.

00:42:03.640 Yeah.

00:42:04.040 And I was in whole foods the other day.

00:42:05.480 And this woman came out to me and she's like,

00:42:06.760 I was on a private plane.

00:42:08.120 I'm a stewardess.

00:42:08.980 And I went up to Bill Maher and I said,

00:42:11.020 do you know Kyle Donegan?

00:42:11.900 He does a really good impression of you.

00:42:13.340 And he,

00:42:14.140 she said he turned away from her.

00:42:15.560 And then she was told not to talk to Bill Maher for the rest of the flight.

00:42:19.180 No way.

00:42:20.240 I'm shocked by that.

00:42:22.280 And the thing is,

00:42:22.980 when I first did it,

00:42:23.800 it really wasn't mean to him.

00:42:25.240 It was like Bill Maher reading to children.

00:42:27.360 Like hair.

00:42:27.820 Let's hear it.

00:42:29.840 What was the stories?

00:42:35.220 I'm trying to have one.

00:42:36.420 I remember.

00:42:37.420 I,

00:42:37.680 I,

00:42:38.060 I was,

00:42:38.580 I've done my homework.

00:42:39.660 Green eggs and ham.

00:42:40.320 Green eggs and ham.

00:42:42.220 I do not like them.

00:42:43.280 Okay.

00:42:44.100 And it's like,

00:42:44.460 should you really be eating eggs?

00:42:45.940 They're green.

00:42:47.060 That kind of thing.

00:42:48.460 Hilarious.

00:42:48.980 But anyway,

00:42:49.500 it was just pretty mild.

00:42:51.040 And then once he went on Joe Rogan,

00:42:55.380 I was like,

00:42:56.740 you know,

00:42:57.260 and I felt a little bit more free.

00:42:59.020 And then the next video I did was not probably,

00:43:02.060 I probably shouldn't have.

00:43:02.680 I probably went a little too far.

00:43:04.180 It was like a Bill Maher gang bang.

00:43:05.560 But anyway,

00:43:07.140 I feel,

00:43:07.940 I'm not mad at him.

00:43:09.620 I feel like I've gotten back.

00:43:12.080 I feel like I was being petty and everything's fine.

00:43:14.820 Oh,

00:43:15.200 well,

00:43:15.780 I've listened to it.

00:43:16.980 I listened to you on Corolla and it was brilliant.

00:43:19.220 And,

00:43:19.540 uh,

00:43:20.220 I would say that my only guess as to why he's offended is there's like a 0.91

00:43:25.240 slight gay lilt to your Bill Maher. 0.60

00:43:28.940 So, 0.98

00:43:29.280 Oh,

00:43:29.400 is that what it is?

00:43:31.400 Okay,

00:43:32.140 people,

00:43:32.620 let's get fabulous.

00:43:37.060 Here's my,

00:43:37.940 here's my Bill Maher face.

00:43:39.740 What do you think Bill is?

00:43:40.900 Oh,

00:43:41.100 cool.

00:43:41.820 Oh,

00:43:41.960 you get people got to watch this on YouTube later.

00:43:43.300 He's changed his face to look like Bill Maher.

00:43:44.940 Bill,

00:43:45.160 what,

00:43:45.380 why haven't you gotten married in all these years?

00:43:47.740 Because I can't love.

00:43:49.680 My heart is black like coal.

00:43:52.480 Okay,

00:43:53.380 let's move on.

00:43:55.460 This,

00:43:55.680 this face swap looks like a potato.

00:43:57.180 I couldn't find a good one.

00:43:58.120 I have to,

00:43:58.520 I build these face swaps.

00:44:00.320 It's so weird.

00:44:01.520 So what part of the person's face do you put on your face?

00:44:05.480 You have to get a straight on shot with no shadows and them not smiling.

00:44:10.460 That's the key to it.

00:44:11.820 So you take not just their eyes,

00:44:13.440 but their lips too.

00:44:15.300 Yeah.

00:44:15.480 You take just a picture of them and that you bring into this program.

00:44:20.480 And it's sort of does a face mask.

00:44:23.180 It's like,

00:44:23.720 we're going to do these starting at the top of the hour.

00:44:25.840 Cause we've got to,

00:44:26.720 we've got to see these because some of them are crazy good.

00:44:29.860 Like they're disturbingly accurate.

00:44:32.660 Who's your fave?

00:44:35.140 Um,

00:44:35.960 geez.

00:44:36.960 I like doing Jeff Goldblum.

00:44:38.440 He's too fun.

00:44:40.180 He talks in a fun way.

00:44:42.140 Most people have a vocal range of like four notes.

00:44:44.920 And he is just like an octave and a half the way he talks.

00:44:48.620 You're so busy worrying about whether you could,

00:44:50.960 you didn't stop to think about whether or not you should.

00:44:53.400 What's that from?

00:44:54.360 Jurassic Park.

00:44:56.540 Oh,

00:44:57.760 you sounded nothing like that.

00:44:59.600 No,

00:44:59.700 I wasn't even trying.

00:45:00.520 I can't do,

00:45:01.000 I cannot do imitations,

00:45:02.860 you know,

00:45:03.020 but some people have that gift.

00:45:04.580 I have a friend,

00:45:05.340 Joelle,

00:45:05.660 who's very good.

00:45:06.620 She doesn't do like the voices, 0.97

00:45:08.240 but she's got the mannerisms down perfectly.

00:45:12.120 She nails it.

00:45:12.740 She does the,

00:45:13.860 I don't,

00:45:14.100 she just gets in your face and you can see like the person come alive.

00:45:16.640 Thanks to the mannerisms.

00:45:18.100 You've got that.

00:45:19.100 And the voice,

00:45:20.820 I don't know how you must have this gifted voice that can go any octave and

00:45:24.660 the ear,

00:45:25.400 the ear to translate,

00:45:26.600 you know,

00:45:27.020 how it's supposed to sound.

00:45:28.820 Yeah.

00:45:29.140 I think there's a couple,

00:45:30.160 you have to have,

00:45:31.000 um,

00:45:31.840 uh,

00:45:33.360 hear pitches have like relative pitch.

00:45:38.460 Um,

00:45:38.940 and then also I have a,

00:45:40.460 this is a weird thing,

00:45:42.080 but I have a really long neck and I,

00:45:45.460 I can move my vocal box.

00:45:47.840 Like this is a quick story,

00:45:49.800 but I was,

00:45:50.160 I was having,

00:45:50.620 this is a crazy turn,

00:45:52.000 but I'm,

00:45:52.380 I swear I'll get back to this point.

00:45:53.940 I was having a dream.

00:45:54.800 I was twisting a giant Coke bottle cap off,

00:45:57.960 like a six foot Coke bottle cap.

00:45:59.140 And I woke up with my hands around my neck in agonizing pain.

00:46:02.680 I was like twisting my own head.

00:46:04.420 We'll get into that later.

00:46:05.700 But I went to the doctor and I took an x-ray and he was looking at the x-ray

00:46:09.060 and rubbing his chin,

00:46:10.820 which is terrifying.

00:46:12.520 See a doctor,

00:46:13.200 look at your bones and be like,

00:46:14.520 what?

00:46:15.280 And then he called another doc and he was like,

00:46:17.200 Mark and this other guy,

00:46:18.520 and they're both like mumbling.

00:46:19.700 And I go,

00:46:20.200 what is it?

00:46:21.420 Thinking he,

00:46:22.180 I was dead,

00:46:23.080 you know?

00:46:23.940 And he goes,

00:46:25.580 you have the neck of a seven foot man.

00:46:29.020 Anyway.

00:46:30.280 So weird.

00:46:31.360 I,

00:46:31.940 I understand your feeling.

00:46:33.500 I remember being in the Hamptons and seeing a doctor and he said,

00:46:36.040 I'm concerned,

00:46:37.300 I'm concerned about like some mole.

00:46:38.960 I'm like,

00:46:39.180 you're using a C word.

00:46:40.360 Don't,

00:46:40.620 don't use a C word.

00:46:41.920 Yeah.

00:46:43.200 Well,

00:46:43.480 I'm glad.

00:46:43.840 Did you get it removed?

00:46:45.180 I did.

00:46:46.000 I'm Irish.

00:46:46.660 So I'm constantly getting these,

00:46:47.980 you know,

00:46:48.320 freckles or moles or whatever looked at or removed.

00:46:50.560 It's a never ending battle.

00:46:52.260 My doctor told me I have an excellent chance of dying from skin cancer.

00:46:55.680 Oh,

00:46:56.160 really?

00:46:56.580 Yeah.

00:46:56.760 I had one removed.

00:46:57.760 Yeah.

00:46:58.000 I'm Irish to half Irish and we can't go out in the sun.

00:47:01.160 I don't know how we didn't evolve.

00:47:02.600 We couldn't be in the sun.

00:47:03.840 I guess we had that cloud over our Island of all things.

00:47:07.260 And it's all over you.

00:47:08.560 You know,

00:47:08.780 your skin,

00:47:09.340 it's like,

00:47:09.680 it's everywhere.

00:47:11.420 Hopefully.

00:47:13.460 All right.

00:47:14.820 So this is a good tea.

00:47:15.640 So right when we come back,

00:47:16.700 I'm going to ask him to do that.

00:47:17.700 Jeff Goldblum impression.

00:47:18.840 And many,

00:47:20.420 many more.

00:47:20.960 We'll do some characters and you will not be sorry.

00:47:23.240 You heard this Kyle Dunnigan and more with him right after this.

00:47:27.540 And by the way,

00:47:27.900 folks,

00:47:28.080 you can watch this.

00:47:29.280 You can watch it on video.

00:47:30.440 You can find our full video shows and clips by subscribing to our YouTube

00:47:33.700 channel,

00:47:34.780 youtube.com slash Megan Kelly.

00:47:37.740 And I've got some thoughts for you on that in one second.

00:47:41.460 Okay.

00:47:41.840 An update for you.

00:47:45.840 Now streaming on Paramount plus.

00:47:48.840 Someone is trying to frame us until our names are cleared.

00:47:53.400 We're fugitives from interval like Bonnie and Clyde with better snacks.

00:47:58.840 Espionage.

00:47:59.460 You still as good a shot as you used to be.

00:48:02.600 Better.

00:48:03.300 Is there love language?

00:48:04.780 We like to walk that fine line between techno thriller.

00:48:08.560 And romantic comedy.

00:48:10.080 We make up our own rules.

00:48:11.340 We're going to have more with Kyle Dunnigan after this,

00:48:22.340 but I just wanted to take a minute and say this to you before we bring Kyle

00:48:26.140 back.

00:48:26.360 On Monday,

00:48:27.640 when we got back from what was a vacation for me,

00:48:31.380 I offered the story about what happened to my eight year old Thatcher while we were on

00:48:36.460 vacation in Montana.

00:48:37.880 He fell hiking on a ski mountain on a ski run,

00:48:42.800 taking quote,

00:48:43.380 a break and injured his spleen very badly.

00:48:46.700 So I posted this on YouTube.

00:48:49.120 I mean,

00:48:49.380 I did it on,

00:48:50.120 I talked about on the show and we posted on YouTube and it's got an overwhelming

00:48:53.520 response.

00:48:53.720 I've seen it in the Apple comments,

00:48:56.200 which I do read all of and read them every morning.

00:48:58.920 So I've read you guys today and I read a lot of the comments on YouTube and I've been

00:49:03.840 so moved by the parents on there who have shared their own family's stories about scares with

00:49:10.640 their children,

00:49:12.020 even the loss of their children and relating on some of the stuff we discussed on Monday

00:49:18.020 about,

00:49:18.480 you know,

00:49:18.620 the enormous parental responsibility you feel and the vulnerability and,

00:49:23.100 you know,

00:49:23.200 just how,

00:49:23.700 what a scary situation it can be when things start to spiral out of control and,

00:49:26.640 you know,

00:49:26.760 there's a limit to your parental powers.

00:49:29.520 Anyway,

00:49:30.040 thank you so much for the outpouring of love and support and comments and the views and

00:49:35.200 the subscriptions too.

00:49:36.060 That's awesome.

00:49:36.760 And God bless all of you.

00:49:38.780 All right.

00:49:39.060 We'll be right back with Kyle.

00:49:43.420 Now streaming on Paramount plus someone is trying to frame us until our names are

00:49:49.640 cleared.

00:49:50.840 We're fugitives from interval.

00:49:52.340 Like Bonnie and Clyde with better snacks.

00:49:56.260 Espionage.

00:49:56.860 You still as good a shot as you used to be.

00:49:59.980 Better.

00:50:00.700 Is there love language?

00:50:02.200 We like to walk that fine line between techno thriller and romantic comedy.

00:50:07.000 We make up our own rules.

00:50:09.280 NCIS,

00:50:09.960 Tony and Ziva now streaming on Paramount plus.

00:50:16.020 Kyle.

00:50:16.700 All right.

00:50:17.000 We promised Jeff Goldblum.

00:50:18.320 What does Jeff Goldblum think of what happened with Will Smith at the Oscars this week?

00:50:25.520 Yes,

00:50:26.100 yes,

00:50:26.360 yes,

00:50:26.640 yes.

00:50:27.740 Nice to be here with you,

00:50:30.700 Megyn Kelly.

00:50:32.780 If you were a dinosaur,

00:50:34.720 you would be the gorgeous ex.

00:50:37.880 let's see.

00:50:39.800 Let's see.

00:50:41.700 Will Smith.

00:50:43.260 Yes,

00:50:43.840 well,

00:50:44.540 Will Smith,

00:50:46.160 that the slap heard around the world.

00:50:49.280 Yes,

00:50:49.540 yes,

00:50:49.740 yes.

00:50:50.220 But,

00:50:50.860 but,

00:50:51.280 but,

00:50:51.400 but,

00:50:51.660 but we have to remember,

00:50:53.260 Chris told a joke about his wife.

00:50:58.680 Yes.

00:50:59.180 It's saying that,

00:51:00.820 that she is gorgeous and looks like another gorgeous actress.

00:51:06.520 That's a bridge too far.

00:51:08.100 Yes.

00:51:10.180 Well,

00:51:10.780 you know,

00:51:11.020 Jeff may not be aware of the latest headlines on this just to get you up to speed.

00:51:15.260 Apparently the Academy Award team actually did tell him to leave the studio that night.

00:51:23.260 the,

00:51:23.420 the arena,

00:51:24.060 whatever it was,

00:51:24.640 where they were watching the Oscars.

00:51:26.620 They went and told him you should step out and he refused.

00:51:30.660 And,

00:51:31.220 um,

00:51:31.840 there were plans.

00:51:32.800 Apparently there were discussions of plans to physically remove Will Smith from the venue.

00:51:37.780 Uh,

00:51:38.220 and they,

00:51:38.820 I guess,

00:51:39.060 decided not to create a situation about make a bad situation worse by creating a scene.

00:51:45.240 Should they have ejected him?

00:51:46.980 Yes.

00:51:47.400 Uh,

00:51:47.720 wonderful security.

00:51:49.680 Uh,

00:51:50.000 they're at the Oscars.

00:51:52.000 We,

00:51:52.620 we,

00:51:52.800 we can,

00:51:53.260 trust them to keep us safe.

00:51:55.600 Obviously.

00:51:57.920 I don't know that Chris Rock feels that way.

00:51:59.880 Not at all.

00:52:00.460 No.

00:52:01.120 Uh,

00:52:01.400 the LAPD was prepared to arrest Will Smith.

00:52:04.480 Uh,

00:52:04.920 they actually apparently said,

00:52:06.480 this is all according to an Oscars producer named Will Packer,

00:52:09.420 who spoke on GMA,

00:52:10.520 that,

00:52:11.420 uh,

00:52:11.800 they were telling him this is battery.

00:52:14.280 That was the word they used in the moment.

00:52:15.340 He said,

00:52:15.860 and they said,

00:52:16.600 we'll go get him.

00:52:17.220 We're prepared.

00:52:17.780 We're prepared to get him right now.

00:52:19.120 If you,

00:52:19.500 if you want to press charges,

00:52:20.440 we will arrest him.

00:52:21.860 And Chris Rock said,

00:52:22.580 no,

00:52:23.120 I'm fine.

00:52:24.060 No,

00:52:24.460 no.

00:52:24.800 And he also told his audience,

00:52:26.600 one of whom cursed out at a live comedy,

00:52:28.560 uh,

00:52:28.980 event this past weekend,

00:52:29.960 calling Will Smith a name saying F Will Smith.

00:52:33.180 Rock said,

00:52:33.780 no,

00:52:34.260 no,

00:52:34.700 no,

00:52:34.920 no,

00:52:35.140 no,

00:52:35.260 no.

00:52:35.440 he shut that down.

00:52:36.760 What do you even make of it?

00:52:38.780 Uh,

00:52:39.260 yes.

00:52:39.800 Uh,

00:52:40.020 well,

00:52:40.300 Chris Rock is a class act,

00:52:42.540 uh,

00:52:43.020 I would say because I would probably have not only slapped back,

00:52:48.560 but I would have probably sued the fresh, 0.99

00:52:52.900 um,

00:52:53.880 Prince of Bel Air.

00:52:55.320 This is so good.

00:52:58.700 Sorry,

00:52:59.140 this is weird.

00:53:00.100 No,

00:53:00.320 it's amazing.

00:53:01.120 It's so good.

00:53:02.400 All right.

00:53:02.640 So I'd like to call it,

00:53:03.740 this is like speaking to one of those,

00:53:04.920 like,

00:53:05.360 you know,

00:53:05.600 people,

00:53:05.920 those mediums.

00:53:06.640 If you could just call up,

00:53:07.740 if you could call up Kim Kardashian.

00:53:09.160 You know,

00:53:09.680 we can call up Michael.

00:53:11.440 I came with Kim.

00:53:12.480 Hold on a second.

00:53:13.380 Megan.

00:53:16.220 We're the children.

00:53:17.980 Oh my God.

00:53:18.880 Yeah.

00:53:19.300 This is my Kim face.

00:53:21.140 Yeah.

00:53:21.720 Oh,

00:53:21.920 it's good.

00:53:22.740 Well,

00:53:22.980 I wonder if,

00:53:23.940 if Kim is,

00:53:25.100 you know,

00:53:25.280 how are you feeling Kim?

00:53:26.160 Because they took a shot at you.

00:53:27.600 Here's what happened for the audience.

00:53:29.140 She gave an interview to vanity fair in which she said,

00:53:32.060 I've got advice for people who want to be successful.

00:53:34.580 Women who want to be successful. 1.00

00:53:36.080 She said,

00:53:37.040 get your effing. 0.59

00:53:38.740 A.

00:53:39.420 up and work.

00:53:41.660 Yeah.

00:53:43.160 Yeah.

00:53:43.720 You have to work harder.

00:53:46.000 Like Megan,

00:53:47.200 you should work harder.

00:53:49.200 It would be great if I could be born to a momager who wanted to leverage

00:53:52.700 her fame to make me have millions too. 1.00

00:53:55.860 Yeah.

00:53:56.220 Well,

00:53:56.700 why don't you have a makeup line? 1.00

00:53:59.720 You don't do enough.

00:54:03.260 All girls should work. 1.00

00:54:05.300 Like I work.

00:54:06.840 When I go to the makeup company,

00:54:08.680 I point to the color I like,

00:54:10.360 and then they put my name on it.

00:54:12.300 It's hard.

00:54:13.480 It's not,

00:54:13.780 it's not easy to make those decisions.

00:54:15.920 Yeah,

00:54:16.300 baby.

00:54:17.180 Oh God.

00:54:18.000 That's Caitlin.

00:54:18.720 This is terrifying.

00:54:19.780 Caitlyn Jenner,

00:54:20.400 baby.

00:54:21.480 Yeah.

00:54:23.100 Caitlin,

00:54:23.500 what happened when you saw Lady Gaga outside of that night of the Oscars?

00:54:28.580 She snubbed you. 1.00

00:54:29.780 What a bitch, 1.00

00:54:29.800 right? 1.00

00:54:30.320 She was a bitch. 1.00

00:54:31.000 What the hell is wrong with her? 1.00

00:54:31.940 Yes. 1.00

00:54:32.840 She was so nasty. 1.00

00:54:34.500 There's cameras everywhere. 0.90

00:54:35.680 Just pretend you like me.

00:54:36.760 Jesus.

00:54:38.480 I was being nice.

00:54:39.840 I could have been,

00:54:40.440 you know,

00:54:40.740 I could have been sassy myself.

00:54:42.760 I showed class like Chris Rock,

00:54:44.500 baby.

00:54:45.320 Wait,

00:54:45.640 stand by.

00:54:46.580 Let's lay soundbite 15 of your awkward exchange with Lady Gaga outside of the Elton John AIDS Foundation's 30th Annual Academy Awards Viewing Party Sunday Night.

00:54:55.700 Watch.

00:55:05.740 Caitlin's saying,

00:55:06.720 I haven't seen you at the Starbucks in a while.

00:55:08.980 And Lady Gaga is saying, 0.93

00:55:10.760 oh,

00:55:10.880 I changed baristas and gives her a glare, 1.00

00:55:13.860 gives you a glare,

00:55:15.180 Caitlin,

00:55:15.440 and walks away.

00:55:16.500 She physically abused me with her words. 1.00

00:55:20.540 I should have,

00:55:21.600 I've got a,

00:55:22.720 I've got a lawsuit there.

00:55:24.600 You think so?

00:55:25.400 I really do.

00:55:26.700 It's one of the segments you could discuss in your new gig as a contributor on Fox News.

00:55:29.900 Are you excited about that?

00:55:30.820 Oh my God.

00:55:31.540 I'm so excited.

00:55:33.540 Oh my,

00:55:34.260 how was it?

00:55:34.820 It's wonderful working over there,

00:55:36.160 isn't it?

00:55:36.540 Yeah.

00:55:36.900 Well,

00:55:37.660 it's got its pluses and it's a few minuses.

00:55:40.540 Oh,

00:55:40.860 I doubt that highly. 1.00

00:55:42.660 I hope everyone doesn't try to fuck me though. 0.99

00:55:44.360 That's what I'm worried about. 0.99

00:55:45.420 You know,

00:55:46.400 all the girls jealous of Caitlin.

00:55:49.260 I think you're,

00:55:50.480 I think you're safe.

00:55:51.560 I could go out on a limb.

00:55:53.280 You're just being nice.

00:55:56.740 I'm in danger,

00:55:57.640 baby.

00:55:59.220 I'll wear like,

00:56:00.020 you know,

00:56:00.360 I won't wear any low cut stuff,

00:56:01.700 you know,

00:56:02.240 I'll dress classy.

00:56:03.280 Well,

00:56:03.420 they'll like that.

00:56:04.080 I mean,

00:56:04.240 I think they'll encourage you to wear it.

00:56:05.500 You know,

00:56:05.600 they like bright colors at Fox.

00:56:06.780 Can you do bright colors?

00:56:07.460 Not going to tolerate for this black sweatshirt stuff.

00:56:10.440 Oh yeah.

00:56:10.800 I'm going to be the best dressed person there.

00:56:12.660 Absolutely.

00:56:13.200 Excellent.

00:56:13.540 I mean,

00:56:13.720 we all know that.

00:56:14.320 Who are you most looking forward to being interviewed by?

00:56:19.080 Is the Pope still alive?

00:56:22.120 I'd say the Pope.

00:56:23.640 He's the closest one to God,

00:56:25.060 baby.

00:56:25.480 Have you got a lot of requests from the Vatican?

00:56:29.700 I mean,

00:56:30.260 I'm assuming they're not going to look meaty,

00:56:33.280 but I'm sure they want me to talk to them.

00:56:34.900 Well,

00:56:35.060 look,

00:56:35.540 if it doesn't work out,

00:56:36.640 if you do the gig over there and it doesn't work out,

00:56:38.240 perhaps you'll be in the running for the next white house press secretary role.

00:56:41.940 And then you could do the reverse of what most of them do,

00:56:44.160 which is their white house press secretary.

00:56:46.080 And what they're really trying to do is get a job working cable news.

00:56:48.580 Like we just heard about Jen Psaki, 0.97

00:56:50.300 who's leaving the white house in the spring to host a show on MSNBC.

00:56:54.720 Jen Psaki.

00:56:55.740 She's obsessed with me.

00:56:57.260 Isn't she?

00:56:58.300 Fascinating.

00:56:59.040 In what,

00:56:59.340 in what?

00:56:59.900 Jen Psaki.

00:57:00.440 What's your evidence of that?

00:57:02.360 It's just like the vibe she gives off,

00:57:04.440 you know,

00:57:05.160 she's trying to be,

00:57:07.020 she's trying to just have that sort of, 0.99

00:57:08.860 uh,

00:57:10.060 you know,

00:57:10.580 uh,

00:57:10.900 classy,

00:57:12.500 sassy lady thing. 0.99

00:57:13.980 And that's the market that I've covered.

00:57:15.780 Yeah.

00:57:16.140 Yeah.

00:57:16.360 That is baloney.

00:57:17.940 Well,

00:57:18.240 I don't like shocking.

00:57:19.180 Speaking of sake,

00:57:20.160 shocking.

00:57:20.900 Speaking of her,

00:57:22.160 um,

00:57:22.520 is her boss,

00:57:23.300 Joe Biden available?

00:57:24.060 Because I've got,

00:57:25.200 he,

00:57:25.440 he won't give me an interview,

00:57:26.900 but I have,

00:57:27.460 I have reason to believe he's going to come today and I can ask him my tough questions.

00:57:31.440 Let me see if I can find him here.

00:57:33.480 There's a lot to go over.

00:57:35.260 Uh,

00:57:36.680 I see you here.

00:57:37.980 Joe.

00:57:38.380 Joe.

00:57:40.900 Oh my God.

00:57:41.980 Hey,

00:57:42.920 Hey,

00:57:44.460 look who it is.

00:57:46.780 Kelly,

00:57:47.520 Kelly Megan,

00:57:48.320 man.

00:57:49.280 How are you?

00:57:50.680 Sorry.

00:57:51.360 I,

00:57:51.600 I wasn't able to set up an interview with you earlier.

00:57:54.400 I'm great.

00:57:55.120 You're,

00:57:55.400 you're a classy lady. 1.00

00:57:56.700 No,

00:57:57.160 you're very sweet.

00:57:58.600 Uh,

00:57:58.760 can I ask you about the war with Ukraine and ask you whether you believe the latest Russian

00:58:02.880 representations that they're actually doing some sort of a withdrawal?

00:58:06.180 Because today the,

00:58:07.580 the NATO secretary general suggested those were lies.

00:58:11.260 Yeah,

00:58:11.720 man.

00:58:12.100 It's our crane,

00:58:13.160 man.

00:58:13.440 I,

00:58:13.800 I,

00:58:14.360 I,

00:58:14.660 I told,

00:58:15.340 I told him that.

00:58:16.640 And,

00:58:16.940 uh,

00:58:17.340 uh,

00:58:17.800 uh,

00:58:18.700 uh,

00:58:19.140 Vladimir,

00:58:19.820 uh,

00:58:20.260 Pukin is not,

00:58:21.520 not,

00:58:21.920 not,

00:58:22.200 not Pukin.

00:58:23.260 The guy,

00:58:24.660 the guy without the shirt,

00:58:25.860 man,

00:58:26.260 he's a bad dude. 1.00

00:58:28.440 It's a liar, 1.00

00:58:29.220 man. 1.00

00:58:30.640 Not to be trusted.

00:58:31.780 So I,

00:58:32.780 I don't believe a word that guy says.

00:58:35.260 He's like,

00:58:36.120 he's like corn pop.

00:58:38.080 Some guys in the world,

00:58:40.280 man,

00:58:40.460 you just,

00:58:41.040 you just can't.

00:58:43.700 Yeah.

00:58:44.320 It can't trust him,

00:58:45.500 man.

00:58:46.220 Hey,

00:58:46.940 Hey,

00:58:47.640 did you,

00:58:48.300 did you, 1.00

00:58:48.400 did you shit my pants or did I? 1.00

00:58:52.360 What's going on here? 1.00

00:58:55.360 What happened?

00:58:57.940 Kagan Mellie,

00:58:58.900 the classiest gal in,

00:59:00.460 in the new,

00:59:01.080 in the news.

00:59:02.320 I think Mr.

00:59:03.520 President,

00:59:03.900 what,

00:59:04.340 what happened when you,

00:59:05.940 you seem to call for regime change earlier this week,

00:59:08.640 something that is not U S policy and actually could place other world

00:59:12.520 leaders,

00:59:12.840 including men like yourself in danger.

00:59:15.160 Why'd you do that?

00:59:16.480 Huh?

00:59:18.420 Well,

00:59:18.700 what did I do?

00:59:21.600 You said it.

00:59:22.720 You said it,

00:59:23.460 pal.

00:59:24.200 I,

00:59:24.680 I didn't say nothing about that.

00:59:27.520 See,

00:59:28.060 my boy Hunter,

00:59:31.140 is he's,

00:59:32.140 is he's,

00:59:33.180 he's lost his job over there in the cranes.

00:59:35.540 He's,

00:59:35.820 he had a great,

00:59:36.560 nice cushy job.

00:59:37.480 They're working for $80,000 a week.

00:59:39.820 And this,

00:59:40.800 this guy made blew it all. 0.75

00:59:42.680 Blew it all for,

00:59:43.520 for self-centered reasons.

00:59:45.260 Who,

00:59:45.700 who,

00:59:45.760 who Hunter blew it all?

00:59:47.940 Hunter?

00:59:48.360 No,

00:59:48.640 no.

00:59:50.220 Pluto,

00:59:50.720 man.

00:59:51.040 Pluto blew it for my boy.

00:59:53.800 Well,

00:59:54.080 you know,

00:59:54.340 the thing,

00:59:54.960 the guy.

00:59:55.580 Yeah.

00:59:56.340 It's a problem.

00:59:57.240 Yeah.

00:59:57.500 I'm sure Hunter was very upset about that.

00:59:59.140 I mean,

00:59:59.520 you know,

00:59:59.860 did you step in?

01:00:01.140 Cause the,

01:00:01.460 the reports of that,

01:00:02.180 when you got that one prosecutor file,

01:00:04.000 forgot,

01:00:04.360 got him fired over there in the Ukraine,

01:00:05.820 you did that not to clean up corruption,

01:00:07.920 but to get him off of Burisma,

01:00:09.820 the company that was paying Hunter 50 grand a month.

01:00:12.580 Is that true?

01:00:13.260 Yeah.

01:00:13.800 Let me tell you something.

01:00:15.300 I love,

01:00:15.700 I love my boy.

01:00:17.180 He's my boy,

01:00:17.800 Hunter.

01:00:18.160 I'd do any,

01:00:18.700 anything for that little, 1.00

01:00:19.840 little bugger. 1.00

01:00:21.280 Yeah. 0.99

01:00:21.440 He's had a few problems,

01:00:23.080 but he's highly qualified to sit on the,

01:00:26.000 on the board of petroleum over there in,

01:00:27.920 in the Ukraine.

01:00:28.960 Highly qualified.

01:00:30.140 How so?

01:00:30.880 How specifically what,

01:00:32.100 what qualifies him?

01:00:34.960 Huh?

01:00:38.780 Cause he's got the,

01:00:39.960 got the knowledge,

01:00:41.080 the know-how to,

01:00:42.600 to,

01:00:43.000 to figure out on the fly.

01:00:44.580 That's a skill you can't put on a resume.

01:00:47.460 And with all due respect,

01:00:48.860 I don't feel like I'm getting real answers.

01:00:51.040 And so if you wouldn't mind,

01:00:52.240 I'd love to speak to the,

01:00:54.060 if one of your handlers could take the microphone and pass it to Kamala Harris, 0.97

01:00:58.840 I might do better with the vice president since the president has fallen asleep again.

01:01:03.760 I don't have Kamala Harris here. 1.00

01:01:05.480 It'd be wonderful if I could just speak with someone who might actually be in charge.

01:01:11.360 And,

01:01:11.380 and why?

01:01:12.660 Is anybody out there,

01:01:15.320 man?

01:01:15.640 What's going on here?

01:01:17.600 Oh,

01:01:17.800 let's say,

01:01:18.400 hey,

01:01:19.800 just,

01:01:21.720 it's trans Trump. 0.50

01:01:23.080 It's a new,

01:01:23.520 uh,

01:01:24.000 Oh,

01:01:24.140 that's true.

01:01:25.220 Okay.

01:01:26.020 Trans Trump.

01:01:26.920 It's so stunning.

01:01:28.820 So terrific.

01:01:29.980 Trans Trump.

01:01:31.120 No,

01:01:31.580 you got,

01:01:33.040 look,

01:01:33.340 look,

01:01:33.580 you got to vote for me.

01:01:34.900 You got no choice.

01:01:36.120 You got to do it.

01:01:37.420 You got to do it.

01:01:38.880 Look like Leah Thomas,

01:01:41.140 the greatest swimmer of all time. 0.99

01:01:43.560 I will be leaving all those fat losers in my wake. 1.00

01:01:48.180 Trans Trump. 1.00

01:01:49.820 I have to tell you,

01:01:50.880 Mr.

01:01:51.120 Trump,

01:01:51.600 you know,

01:01:51.880 I know that you prize beauty used to own and run a beauty contest. 1.00

01:01:55.040 I'm not sure you'd be winning any of those awards like this.

01:01:58.220 Look,

01:01:58.900 Oh,

01:01:59.080 Megyn Kelly.

01:01:59.940 Look at her attacking me again. 1.00

01:02:01.760 You know,

01:02:01.920 this is yours.

01:02:02.560 So nasty to me.

01:02:03.640 I don't know why.

01:02:04.740 Look,

01:02:05.380 look,

01:02:06.080 look.

01:02:06.980 It's so nasty. 1.00

01:02:08.240 Nasty woman. 1.00

01:02:09.140 You're a nasty lady. 1.00

01:02:10.800 But look, 1.00

01:02:11.740 I've always thought you were terrific.

01:02:13.740 So terrific.

01:02:14.800 And,

01:02:15.360 uh,

01:02:15.540 I will continue to support you and follow you on Twitter.

01:02:19.860 Excellent.

01:02:20.800 How,

01:02:21.280 how's your new social media,

01:02:22.580 uh,

01:02:23.480 adventure going?

01:02:24.680 The mainstream media says it's crashing,

01:02:26.500 but you know,

01:02:26.840 I never,

01:02:27.300 I never know whether to believe negative things about you in the mainstream press.

01:02:30.820 Fake news.

01:02:31.560 Fake news.

01:02:32.400 Okay.

01:02:32.700 Fake news.

01:02:34.460 Fake news.

01:02:35.240 I need to do a hair lady. 1.00

01:02:36.600 What's happening with that hair there,

01:02:38.260 Mr.

01:02:38.620 President.

01:02:38.840 I need to go do it over there.

01:02:40.220 I need to do a hair lady. 1.00

01:02:42.160 Okay.

01:02:42.480 So.

01:02:43.460 Maybe Melania could help you. 1.00

01:02:44.800 Cause honestly,

01:02:45.260 she's like,

01:02:45.720 there's one of the most beautiful women in the world. 1.00

01:02:47.540 She's a pig. 1.00

01:02:49.220 She's a terrible, 1.00

01:02:50.480 terrible person. 1.00

01:02:51.860 Look, 0.98

01:02:52.280 it's all sham.

01:02:53.680 We know this.

01:02:54.180 Okay.

01:02:54.700 We know this.

01:02:55.640 It's a sham marriage.

01:02:57.240 It's not working out,

01:02:58.580 but you got to look up,

01:02:59.880 you know,

01:03:00.220 appearances.

01:03:00.740 You got to pretend you love your wife,

01:03:02.180 pretend you love Jesus.

01:03:03.060 The whole thing,

01:03:03.900 the whole shebang.

01:03:05.340 In order to become president.

01:03:07.620 Exactly.

01:03:08.300 For the third and fourth time.

01:03:10.500 How many times can I be president?

01:03:12.520 At least three times,

01:03:13.340 right?

01:03:13.960 Do you think this is going to hurt your chance with sort of the evangelical Christians who may not be entirely behind your, your transition?

01:03:21.900 Look,

01:03:22.640 this,

01:03:23.320 their heads are tied.

01:03:24.680 Okay.

01:03:24.960 There's nothing they could say.

01:03:27.160 It's the perfect plan.

01:03:29.100 It's the perfect way.

01:03:30.380 There's no way trans Trump can lose.

01:03:33.660 Such a beautiful woman.

01:03:34.960 Okay.

01:03:36.220 Stunning and terrific.

01:03:37.960 And also a brilliant business person.

01:03:40.120 How could you not vote?

01:03:41.300 You're transphobic. 0.95

01:03:42.580 If you don't vote trans Trump. 0.91

01:03:44.640 Okay.

01:03:46.020 Oh, 1.00

01:03:46.520 shit. 1.00

01:03:46.740 So for the audience at home. 1.00

01:03:50.200 I got to get out of here.

01:03:51.020 He's wearing like the worst wig ever.

01:03:53.680 And his face looks just like Donald Trump's face.

01:03:56.600 But you've got to go look at this on YouTube later.

01:03:58.800 I'm so confused.

01:04:00.000 I don't know what's happening.

01:04:01.340 The voice.

01:04:01.560 You were attracted to trans Trump. 0.89

01:04:03.440 I feel like a little bit.

01:04:05.740 I might have a cocktail with her.

01:04:07.160 I don't know.

01:04:07.420 She was entertaining.

01:04:08.440 She thinks I'm terrific.

01:04:09.200 She's fun. 0.93

01:04:09.240 That was amazing.

01:04:13.280 All right.

01:04:13.740 Yes.

01:04:13.920 I do want to.

01:04:14.480 You don't have to do Kamala Harris.

01:04:16.980 I can't.

01:04:17.960 I don't think I'm allowed to do Kamala Harris.

01:04:20.540 I'm going to do Kamala Harris.

01:04:21.700 I'm not actually going to do Kamala Harris,

01:04:22.980 but I'm going to play you a soundbite of Kamala Harris and ask you if this woman is in the right job. 1.00

01:04:27.840 This is her.

01:04:28.780 She went to.

01:04:29.740 She was speaking with the prime minister of Jamaica.

01:04:32.540 And her dad is from Jamaica.

01:04:34.880 So,

01:04:35.280 you know,

01:04:35.440 she'd be nice.

01:04:36.060 She'd be sort of friendly.

01:04:36.920 She'd be easy because there's a lot of love for her.

01:04:39.240 And yet you tell me what was going on in this word salad that is soundbite 18.

01:04:47.980 We also recognize just as it has been in the United States for Jamaica,

01:04:52.960 one of the issues that has been presented as an issue that is economic in the way of its impact has been the pandemic.

01:04:59.460 So to that end,

01:05:01.300 we are announcing today also that we will assist Jamaica in COVID recovery by assisting in terms of the recovery efforts in Jamaica that have been essential to,

01:05:14.240 I believe,

01:05:14.560 what is necessary to strengthen not only the issue of public health,

01:05:19.420 but also the economy.

01:05:21.880 In the words of Archie Bunker.

01:05:25.940 She seems drunk or there's another clip of her where she talks about the Ukraine.

01:05:31.740 I don't know if you've seen it,

01:05:32.980 but she's explaining the war in Ukraine.

01:05:35.440 Oh,

01:05:35.600 yes.

01:05:35.920 Ukraine is a country country.

01:05:38.200 Yes.

01:05:38.600 Russia is bigger and that's not good. 1.00

01:05:42.720 That one,

01:05:43.640 at least I could understand.

01:05:44.920 This one was just Clay Travis tweeted out something like she talks like a high school student who has to reach a 20,000 word minimum.

01:05:53.280 Bill,

01:05:54.200 Bill.

01:05:54.880 Yeah.

01:05:55.080 Or like you have to do a book report,

01:05:56.880 an oral book report and just didn't read the book.

01:05:58.900 But she's got all the hand movements and the pausing. 1.00

01:06:02.200 She has the confidence.

01:06:03.820 This I'm this person shall remain nameless.

01:06:06.240 Okay.

01:06:06.480 But while I was on Fox news,

01:06:07.740 there was a person there who used to come on as a commentator.

01:06:11.500 And this is the kind of stuff that this person would do.

01:06:14.500 They'd say it's inappropriate.

01:06:16.640 It's improper.

01:06:17.680 It's out of line and it will not be tolerated anymore.

01:06:20.900 The lines have been crossed.

01:06:22.260 There needs to be a reaction because this was just wrong.

01:06:25.120 Again,

01:06:25.760 inappropriate,

01:06:26.700 not tolerable.

01:06:27.860 And the people must stand up.

01:06:30.240 Like absolutely nothing has been said.

01:06:33.560 People love this person.

01:06:35.300 I used to say to myself,

01:06:36.280 is anyone actually listening?

01:06:38.080 There's,

01:06:38.400 there's not even a hook to hang on.

01:06:40.260 There's no meat at all to climb onto.

01:06:42.820 They become professional talkers.

01:06:46.140 I noticed this on CNN too.

01:06:47.840 They'll go,

01:06:48.420 look,

01:06:48.940 when they've completely lost the argument and they have nothing,

01:06:51.580 they'll look.

01:06:52.800 There's that word constantly.

01:06:54.140 It's when I heard someone go,

01:06:55.480 look,

01:06:55.900 I just stopped listening and tune out.

01:06:57.560 Tune right out.

01:06:59.020 I mean,

01:06:59.160 to me,

01:06:59.420 Kamala Harris is just,

01:07:00.880 you know,

01:07:01.160 she's clearly in over her head.

01:07:02.660 She was an attorney general.

01:07:04.360 I can speak to this.

01:07:05.620 I practiced law for 10 years.

01:07:07.680 That doesn't make you a politician.

01:07:09.920 It doesn't make you a natural leader.

01:07:12.260 It makes you know how to litigate cases.

01:07:14.080 And those skills don't necessarily translate,

01:07:16.340 but I don't know.

01:07:17.840 I was going to say next to Biden,

01:07:19.780 she's looking more competent,

01:07:21.020 but I'm not sure I really believe that.

01:07:22.960 That was the plan.

01:07:23.620 I,

01:07:23.900 I know this will never happen,

01:07:25.580 but we should elect our leaders in a completely different way.

01:07:28.740 More like American idol where it's like,

01:07:30.360 okay,

01:07:30.760 IQ test.

01:07:31.740 I just wean out anyone with IQ below like 140 or something.

01:07:35.860 Really smart people.

01:07:36.780 And then have like a moral vetting before they even run.

01:07:41.460 This whole thing happens.

01:07:43.240 So you get the top human beings that have had,

01:07:46.820 you know,

01:07:47.200 no violence.

01:07:48.540 They've they're very intelligent.

01:07:51.240 They're thoughtful.

01:07:51.920 They're not,

01:07:52.500 they don't have narcissism,

01:07:53.820 anything.

01:07:54.920 They've been completely vetted by psychology.

01:07:56.860 And,

01:07:57.100 and,

01:07:57.340 and then the top 10 human beings in our country run for office.

01:08:03.360 Is that a good idea?

01:08:04.100 No,

01:08:04.420 no,

01:08:05.240 no,

01:08:05.500 there are all sorts of problems with that,

01:08:09.160 including you need somebody who's like been dumped or done the dumping or,

01:08:14.660 you know,

01:08:14.780 you need real life people who have been out there living amongst the people and

01:08:18.680 the super brainiacs,

01:08:20.220 right?

01:08:20.380 The super brainiacs who have never morally misstepped those.

01:08:23.180 That's not them.

01:08:24.780 But that,

01:08:25.100 but that's the thing.

01:08:25.920 There's 10 people who have,

01:08:27.320 have the whole package.

01:08:28.860 They've lived a life.

01:08:29.800 Name one.

01:08:30.380 They have what you're saying,

01:08:31.780 but they're also very smart.

01:08:33.240 Like I don't know anybody.

01:08:34.300 Like,

01:08:34.460 right.

01:08:34.800 That's the problem.

01:08:36.020 But out of 330 million,

01:08:37.380 there's gotta be 10.

01:08:38.760 You look at somebody like Jeff Bezos,

01:08:40.440 right?

01:08:40.620 And he's incredibly accomplished.

01:08:42.100 And not,

01:08:42.420 not only does it,

01:08:43.220 you know,

01:08:43.440 you create and run Amazon,

01:08:44.400 but now he's got the whole spaceship.

01:08:46.040 It's like,

01:08:46.560 wow,

01:08:46.700 this is amazing.

01:08:47.260 And I do love Amazon.

01:08:48.380 It's very,

01:08:48.740 very convenient.

01:08:49.620 Although I understand the controversy in the mom,

01:08:51.280 pop stores and so on,

01:08:52.380 but then like his behavior now,

01:08:55.180 like getting rid of the wife. 0.98

01:08:57.200 And now with the younger,

01:08:58.260 you know,

01:08:59.080 hot woman who left her and like, 1.00

01:09:00.980 the wheels are falling off.

01:09:02.220 Yes.

01:09:02.540 And all the paparazzi engaged photos,

01:09:04.820 they're obviously allowing it.

01:09:06.280 They like it.

01:09:06.840 And they're bathing suits like with his weird tan is weird.

01:09:09.960 I don't know if those are steroid muscles.

01:09:11.480 I can't tell,

01:09:12.260 but I think you're into it.

01:09:13.720 Like,

01:09:13.860 this is the kind of thing you do when you're into somebody,

01:09:15.780 you're,

01:09:15.980 you're trying to play it off,

01:09:17.160 but you're into Jeff Bezos.

01:09:18.700 You think he's hot,

01:09:20.300 not hot stuff,

01:09:21.300 even a little.

01:09:23.380 Why are you smiling?

01:09:24.880 If you're not in love with Jeff Bezos,

01:09:26.520 just the thought of it is amusing to me.

01:09:28.520 Although do you do a Jeff Bezos? 0.98

01:09:30.580 Cause he could use a little gay lilt too. 0.98

01:09:33.300 You know, 0.98

01:09:33.940 I should do a Jeff Bezos.

01:09:35.380 He's talks like kind of Kermit.

01:09:37.060 Doesn't he talk like,

01:09:38.500 sort of like this?

01:09:39.460 Yes.

01:09:39.920 Going to outer space with my cowboy hat.

01:09:42.480 The cowboy hat,

01:09:43.480 um,

01:09:43.980 outer space outfit was my favorite.

01:09:46.820 You did.

01:09:47.220 You like it more or less than the shape of it.

01:09:48.700 The shape of his actual rocket.

01:09:51.120 That is,

01:09:52.060 they really should have a meeting where they go,

01:09:54.480 look, 0.99

01:09:54.680 can we make it not look like a penis? 0.99

01:09:56.340 Right. 0.99

01:09:56.780 Because,

01:09:58.580 or is that good for,

01:10:00.160 you got more advertised,

01:10:01.560 got more eyeballs on it.

01:10:02.780 No,

01:10:03.360 somebody should have said,

01:10:04.440 we have to keep it at least PG 13.

01:10:06.460 Like it's got a,

01:10:07.140 you know,

01:10:07.360 we have to put something on it and not a bunch of round stuff at the bottom.

01:10:10.760 We has to be like,

01:10:11.660 we have to add something more angular someplace.

01:10:17.240 Is somebody,

01:10:18.400 that's a sign when you have too many yes people around you.

01:10:21.220 Like someone in the team was like, 1.00

01:10:22.880 that looks a lot like a penis, 0.99

01:10:24.200 but was afraid to tell him that, 1.00

01:10:25.940 you know,

01:10:26.660 it's like,

01:10:27.060 it's perfect.

01:10:28.320 100% true.

01:10:29.360 Well,

01:10:29.500 I'll tell you the other problem you get,

01:10:30.520 if you just go with somebody who's got ostensibly a high IQ and,

01:10:33.920 um,

01:10:34.140 you know,

01:10:34.320 knows something really well and is ready to talk to us about it is you wind up

01:10:37.900 with the Dr.

01:10:38.420 Fauci's of the world.

01:10:39.120 And,

01:10:39.800 and they're singularly focused on one thing to the exclusion of all the other

01:10:43.940 things that matter.

01:10:44.640 Go ahead.

01:10:44.840 But I,

01:10:45.840 I am not saying this was like a series of 20 things.

01:10:49.440 One of them is they have to not be, 1.00

01:10:51.200 they have to not be stupid. 1.00

01:10:52.560 I'm not saying just get a person who's completely intellectual and has no life 1.00

01:10:56.780 experience.

01:10:57.260 I'm not saying we vet the person,

01:10:59.420 the people that run in a psychological way where they have to have some depth and

01:11:03.760 thoughtfulness and they're not self-centered and all these other things.

01:11:06.280 And they're also very smart.

01:11:08.040 They have a knowledge of history and how wars start and how they don't go well.

01:11:12.720 And then you run where I,

01:11:15.760 I want to see 10 people up there that are,

01:11:19.200 are the people that I would be,

01:11:22.020 I would say,

01:11:22.500 I don't know anybody in my life that that's better than them to run.

01:11:25.760 And I,

01:11:26.200 I don't see that.

01:11:27.560 It would be nice if we could get them there kicking and screaming rather than

01:11:30.960 having spent their whole life trying to audition for the role.

01:11:33.920 You know,

01:11:34.160 someone like a George Washington who didn't want the job.

01:11:37.340 Yeah.

01:11:37.820 Isn't that the problem where to be a politician,

01:11:39.880 you have to lie. 0.98

01:11:40.760 You have to be a liar to get to the top. 0.98

01:11:43.980 I mean, 0.99

01:11:44.480 if you're not religious,

01:11:45.180 you have to say you love Jesus.

01:11:46.580 You have to lie.

01:11:48.180 We can't have an atheist in office. 1.00

01:11:51.300 Yeah.

01:11:51.780 You can't have,

01:11:52.760 not an open one.

01:11:53.840 That's for sure.

01:11:54.900 Well,

01:11:55.300 I'm going to pick it up with Nancy.

01:11:57.120 Pelosi after the break,

01:11:58.160 because I don't know if you think she's a liar,

01:12:00.120 but we're going to talk to her.

01:12:01.020 Cause I have breaking news that she's here.

01:12:03.500 And,

01:12:04.000 and Dr.

01:12:04.860 Fauci as well.

01:12:05.540 And there may or may not be some time spent with Alec Baldwin right after

01:12:09.900 this quick break.

01:12:10.940 When we pick it back up with Kyle Dunnigan on a very fun April fool's day.

01:12:15.780 Now streaming on Paramount plus.

01:12:18.600 Someone is trying to frame us.

01:12:20.860 Until our names are cleared.

01:12:23.380 We're fugitives from interval.

01:12:25.160 Like Bonnie and Clyde with better snacks.

01:12:28.680 Espionage.

01:12:29.240 You still as good a shot as you used to be.

01:12:32.380 Better.

01:12:32.820 Is there love language.

01:12:34.560 We like to walk that fine line between techno thriller.

01:12:37.980 And romantic comedy.

01:12:39.880 We make up our own rules.

01:12:41.640 NCIS,

01:12:42.320 Tony and Ziva now streaming on Paramount plus.

01:12:45.160 Kyle,

01:12:48.680 let me ask you this as yourself.

01:12:51.040 Uh,

01:12:51.360 we touched on Will Smith,

01:12:52.500 but you know,

01:12:53.200 you're a standup comedian here.

01:12:54.920 Guys,

01:12:55.480 you know,

01:12:55.720 devoted your life toward this profession.

01:12:57.520 And I know there have been many terrible idea,

01:13:00.060 but there've been a lot of guys expressing some concern about sort of the

01:13:04.360 precedent.

01:13:04.800 This sets obviously half the job when you're up there is to offend.

01:13:07.480 I mean,

01:13:07.960 it's not to like stroke and please.

01:13:11.180 So,

01:13:11.420 you know,

01:13:11.940 what did you make of it?

01:13:13.720 Yeah,

01:13:13.960 I,

01:13:14.160 I do worry a little bit about,

01:13:16.360 um,

01:13:17.460 I,

01:13:17.960 I don't think I'm contra.

01:13:20.940 I guess I am a little controversial,

01:13:22.200 but I definitely don't try to do things that hurt people's feelings.

01:13:26.060 I,

01:13:26.520 I just don't think it's that,

01:13:27.340 that funny for me.

01:13:28.520 I don't think I do it in a good way,

01:13:30.320 like roasting people.

01:13:31.760 So I don't really do it.

01:13:33.120 So I'm not too concerned about myself,

01:13:34.780 but I do think when you see something like that,

01:13:37.300 it opens the door to a possibility.

01:13:40.500 It's almost like when Columbine happened and people are like,

01:13:43.520 oh, 0.99

01:13:43.620 you can go in your school and just shoot a bunch of people. 0.99

01:13:45.360 And then they started to happen. 0.98

01:13:47.300 Um,

01:13:47.840 it,

01:13:48.100 it might open up,

01:13:49.300 you know,

01:13:49.840 if someone insults someone in a comedy club and they're really,

01:13:52.220 um,

01:13:53.380 upset,

01:13:54.100 that image will run through their head as a possibility.

01:13:57.760 You know,

01:13:58.720 it's just that I'm a little concerned about,

01:14:01.380 but it's true.

01:14:02.860 And I hadn't thought about that.

01:14:03.880 I bet these comedy clubs will now be adding like a little bit more security or 0.91

01:14:07.680 just be a little bit more careful.

01:14:08.940 Let's somebody pull quote a Will Smith.

01:14:11.460 Yeah.

01:14:11.660 Some clubs are great.

01:14:13.000 And some clubs you're like,

01:14:14.060 I am on my own.

01:14:15.780 Uh,

01:14:16.580 where's the escape route?

01:14:18.060 Got my pepper spray.

01:14:19.960 Can you imagine if,

01:14:21.060 if Chris rock pepper sprayed him on his way?

01:14:23.160 That would have been amazing.

01:14:24.160 If he knew and just immediately just dropped him with,

01:14:26.540 or like with a taser or that dog collar we talked about earlier,

01:14:29.320 went down.

01:14:30.800 That would teach him.

01:14:31.520 Don't come up on stage when I'm hosting.

01:14:34.260 Um,

01:14:34.380 what a scary moment.

01:14:36.080 Like Chris rocked brain was working so hard,

01:14:39.180 trying to figure out and just understand this really happened.

01:14:43.100 And what this all means.

01:14:44.260 You could see that his brain was using so much power.

01:14:47.580 He couldn't even read.

01:14:49.340 Well,

01:14:49.820 he was such a pro.

01:14:50.880 I mean,

01:14:51.040 he somehow managed to like crack a joke and stand there with his dignity intact.

01:14:55.560 But I couldn't help,

01:14:57.140 but feel that any man would be completely humiliated,

01:15:00.380 would feel completely humiliated,

01:15:02.440 humiliated.

01:15:03.560 And I think when he said,

01:15:05.440 um,

01:15:05.940 I could,

01:15:07.080 he said something like that.

01:15:08.200 Like I could,

01:15:09.080 and he stopped himself.

01:15:10.720 My guess is he had a lot of Jada jokes loaded.

01:15:14.740 Cause you write a bunch of jokes and you go,

01:15:16.760 that one's too mean.

01:15:17.700 That one's too mean.

01:15:18.600 I mean,

01:15:18.820 the GI Jane joke,

01:15:20.060 I know she has alopecia,

01:15:20.960 but like,

01:15:21.800 she's a gorgeous person,

01:15:23.880 Jada.

01:15:24.500 And she's been told her whole life.

01:15:26.540 Um,

01:15:26.840 Demi Moore is gorgeous. 0.54

01:15:27.720 And you're comparing a gorgeous person to a gorgeous person.

01:15:30.300 It's not that harsh in my opinion.

01:15:34.060 You know,

01:15:34.560 there's,

01:15:34.900 I don't think,

01:15:35.500 and if you see the video of Jada,

01:15:38.200 there's another angle of her where she's still kind of laughing.

01:15:40.360 She's really not,

01:15:41.620 um,

01:15:42.500 I don't know what's in her brain,

01:15:43.380 but this is a good point.

01:15:44.940 You're making the point that Will Smith might've been able to hurt,

01:15:48.060 uh,

01:15:48.800 Chris rock physically,

01:15:49.620 but Chris rock has rhetorical gifts that Will Smith probably doesn't have in

01:15:53.800 terms of quick comebacks,

01:15:55.600 jokes in the pocket,

01:15:56.600 ways to humiliate you back in a different way.

01:15:59.240 And he didn't unleash them.

01:16:01.000 I think that's what he was doing.

01:16:02.160 He said I could,

01:16:03.200 and then he stopped himself.

01:16:06.400 Um,

01:16:06.840 but yeah,

01:16:07.140 I felt,

01:16:07.520 I felt really,

01:16:08.020 I think a lot of people just felt really bad for,

01:16:10.320 for Chris.

01:16:11.140 Cause it's,

01:16:11.760 it is humiliating.

01:16:13.120 Right.

01:16:13.640 Uh, 1.00

01:16:13.840 when someone's bitch slaps you in front of a billion people. 1.00

01:16:17.360 Right. 1.00

01:16:17.720 It shouldn't be.

01:16:18.480 I think,

01:16:18.900 you know,

01:16:19.180 obviously had that been a woman, 0.99

01:16:20.920 he never would have done it and she wouldn't have been quote humiliated.

01:16:25.040 Why is it humiliating for him?

01:16:26.300 Because he's a man and we don't expect,

01:16:28.060 you know,

01:16:28.840 men to take a punch or a slap without fighting back,

01:16:32.080 but he was in this impossible position.

01:16:34.000 He wasn't,

01:16:35.000 if he had fought back,

01:16:36.100 it would have been a true nightmare for everyone involved.

01:16:38.640 Thank God he didn't.

01:16:40.440 Yeah.

01:16:40.660 And I wonder if one of them was white,

01:16:42.340 like it would have probably gotten all the talk would have been racial.

01:16:45.840 100%.

01:16:46.240 It made it more like of a racial thing.

01:16:48.140 Unless the,

01:16:49.020 unless the person who got slapped was white,

01:16:50.380 in which case everyone would have ignored it.

01:16:52.960 Yeah.

01:16:53.700 100%.

01:16:54.060 I,

01:16:54.260 it's,

01:16:54.860 I understand the Academy.

01:16:56.440 When this thing happens,

01:16:57.440 you need time to go process.

01:16:59.440 I'm like,

01:16:59.620 what do we do about this?

01:17:00.700 I get not doing something right away,

01:17:03.480 but I'm,

01:17:03.920 I'm just curious what happens to Will Smith.

01:17:06.480 There's also the problem where,

01:17:08.600 okay,

01:17:08.820 if you take his Oscar away,

01:17:10.380 what do you do with Roman Polanski's?

01:17:12.080 And you got to start to take away the other Harvey Weinstein.

01:17:15.060 You got to take them all away.

01:17:16.200 Agreed.

01:17:16.580 Agreed.

01:17:16.940 Although their bad behavior wasn't at the Academy Awards,

01:17:19.700 but still there's going to be some sort of a punishment.

01:17:21.820 I don't agree that it should be taken away the award.

01:17:24.160 You know who,

01:17:24.480 I would love to know what Alec Baldwin thinks about it.

01:17:26.280 Cause he's also somebody who has anger management issues.

01:17:28.580 Oh yeah,

01:17:29.100 he is.

01:17:29.860 And like,

01:17:30.420 he's wrestled with them for a long,

01:17:31.880 long time,

01:17:32.380 not necessarily at the Oscars,

01:17:33.660 but you know,

01:17:34.000 he's right now accused of,

01:17:35.460 well,

01:17:35.640 he,

01:17:35.800 we know he actually shot and killed a woman,

01:17:38.040 a cinematographer.

01:17:39.420 Alec,

01:17:39.640 what did,

01:17:39.900 what did you,

01:17:40.800 it's not true.

01:17:41.480 These are all lies.

01:17:42.800 what you're saying.

01:17:43.620 I mean,

01:17:43.900 we saw it,

01:17:44.380 we saw it on camera.

01:17:45.640 You know,

01:17:46.700 you know,

01:17:47.000 nothing,

01:17:47.680 but we saw,

01:17:48.440 I was given a crazy gun.

01:17:52.080 So it wasn't,

01:17:52.920 all I did was point it and pull the hammer back and let it fly.

01:17:56.820 The gun did the rest.

01:17:58.580 We all know this.

01:17:59.660 But you're,

01:17:59.980 you're remorseful.

01:18:00.780 You feel guilty.

01:18:02.100 No,

01:18:02.360 I feel no,

01:18:02.900 I feel no guilt at all.

01:18:04.700 Why?

01:18:06.720 Well,

01:18:07.200 because I'm the victim here.

01:18:09.920 I'm an,

01:18:10.440 I'm an actor.

01:18:11.880 I'm a father. 0.97

01:18:12.800 A fat little piggy and a victim of this horrible event. 0.97

01:18:17.840 She's my friend. 0.96

01:18:18.720 She's my best friend.

01:18:19.980 We went to dinner once before the ship.

01:18:22.200 She's my best friend.

01:18:24.420 You know,

01:18:24.720 one of the,

01:18:24.960 Montana was my best friend.

01:18:28.580 What,

01:18:29.120 what do you make of,

01:18:30.760 you know,

01:18:31.280 your life turning around now?

01:18:32.720 Cause it seems like things you're getting back on track.

01:18:34.460 You're,

01:18:34.640 we just heard about your seventh child with Elaria,

01:18:38.980 is on his or her wife.

01:18:40.720 Yeah.

01:18:41.020 Yeah.

01:18:41.940 My wife.

01:18:44.120 Who's born in España in a small town called Boston,

01:18:48.480 Massachusetts.

01:18:49.160 Yeah.

01:18:49.340 No,

01:18:49.560 not Spain.

01:18:50.140 No,

01:18:50.360 that you,

01:18:50.640 that will,

01:18:50.880 you know,

01:18:51.080 that wasn't true.

01:18:51.740 That was a lie.

01:18:52.380 She made up to make,

01:18:53.240 and you helped.

01:18:54.640 No,

01:18:55.020 no,

01:18:55.180 no.

01:18:55.440 This is all.

01:18:56.340 Now you're the fake news.

01:18:57.900 You're the fake news.

01:18:59.640 You're just trying to grab a sound bite here.

01:19:04.440 Elaria was born and raised in Spain.

01:19:06.020 We all know this.

01:19:06.540 We all know this.

01:19:10.360 Well,

01:19:10.820 listen,

01:19:11.120 let me shift gears because I'm,

01:19:12.660 I think you have enough to deal with.

01:19:13.680 You got to go to manage your 25 children.

01:19:16.080 And you may also working on rust too.

01:19:18.400 Oh,

01:19:18.580 really?

01:19:19.280 How's that going to go?

01:19:19.940 It's going to be great.

01:19:21.640 It's going to be a great film.

01:19:22.960 It's about a victim who's surrounded by crazy guns.

01:19:27.940 He has to survive.

01:19:32.240 All right.

01:19:32.760 Someone who really is surrounded by crazies and may or may not be one

01:19:35.680 herself,

01:19:36.220 depending on your viewpoint is Nancy Pelosi.

01:19:38.760 I'm going to ask you to see if she's around,

01:19:40.800 but before you get her,

01:19:42.280 can I just show the audience?

01:19:43.880 This is,

01:19:44.300 it's too good not to play sound by 10 with Kyle doing a Pelosi bit,

01:19:47.880 which is the reason you need to check them out on YouTube.

01:19:50.680 Stand by.

01:19:51.340 Watch.

01:19:53.000 It should probably be a lure against Congress people trading stocks,

01:19:58.060 but we just haven't gotten around to it.

01:20:01.160 Okay. 1.00

01:20:01.760 Let's get bat shit. 1.00

01:20:05.100 Hey, 1.00

01:20:05.520 from Toledo, 1.00

01:20:06.100 let's get bat shit. 1.00

01:20:07.340 Booyah, 1.00

01:20:07.720 Nancy.

01:20:08.840 Booyah.

01:20:09.780 I read your husband bought Google just before the antitrust bill vote.

01:20:13.080 You guys made $5 million.

01:20:15.480 So was that like lock?

01:20:18.240 Yes,

01:20:18.860 it was a miracle.

01:20:20.680 Thank you,

01:20:21.500 George Floyd.

01:20:26.760 Oh my God.

01:20:27.480 She's typing with a skeleton hand,

01:20:29.780 Nancy.

01:20:30.300 I mean,

01:20:30.560 Madam Speaker,

01:20:31.340 it's a pleasure to have you.

01:20:32.320 Thank you for being here.

01:20:33.140 Hello.

01:20:33.460 Hello.

01:20:35.900 You know,

01:20:36.800 I have a better stock bracket than Warren Buffett does.

01:20:41.720 It's pretty impressive.

01:20:42.640 It's obviously how you can afford all those expensive ice creams in your

01:20:46.180 freezer.

01:20:46.440 And all my hair appointments,

01:20:50.600 those bills add up,

01:20:52.000 sweetheart.

01:20:52.600 Right.

01:20:53.020 Right.

01:20:53.260 That money's got to come from somewhere.

01:20:55.180 You know,

01:20:55.320 speaking of the hair appointment,

01:20:56.240 you took some flack during the pandemic for telling the rest of us,

01:20:59.280 we couldn't go into the hair salon either at all.

01:21:02.560 Or if we did,

01:21:03.460 we had to wear a mask the entire time.

01:21:04.900 And yet there you were.

01:21:06.320 Right.

01:21:06.920 No mask.

01:21:08.520 Well,

01:21:09.140 if you,

01:21:09.580 if you knew what was going on there,

01:21:12.060 you'd,

01:21:12.640 you would have understood why I did that.

01:21:16.060 There was only 30 or 40 people in there.

01:21:19.180 And my hair looked awful.

01:21:22.140 So it was desperate times.

01:21:24.100 It was an emergency,

01:21:26.620 a hair emergency,

01:21:28.180 as I call it.

01:21:29.340 I can understand that.

01:21:30.880 And,

01:21:31.100 you know,

01:21:31.380 I,

01:21:31.620 I do.

01:21:32.340 Can I just ask you,

01:21:33.320 this is an inappropriate question,

01:21:34.960 but you know,

01:21:35.680 some people write a lot about plastic surgery and,

01:21:39.220 you know,

01:21:39.560 whether you've had any and whether maybe you've had a little too much.

01:21:43.900 Is that something you care to comment on?

01:21:46.240 It's,

01:21:46.660 it's all lies.

01:21:48.320 I mean,

01:21:49.420 this puppy face is natural.

01:21:51.880 God given fillers.

01:21:53.840 God given fillers.

01:21:54.940 That's amazing.

01:21:55.720 How does,

01:21:56.240 how does one get those?

01:21:57.820 Because they seem to appear later in life for you.

01:22:00.240 It's a miracle.

01:22:01.360 My face just gets,

01:22:03.120 keeps getting fatter and fatter.

01:22:04.880 Oh gosh,

01:22:05.920 that's a,

01:22:06.280 you're such a lucky,

01:22:07.420 lucky person.

01:22:08.520 And let's hope.

01:22:08.980 Let's hope for you that luck continues in November.

01:22:12.080 Cause you know,

01:22:12.820 things aren't looking so good right now.

01:22:14.320 According to the polls for the Democrats,

01:22:15.840 any chance you think you might hold on to the house and the speakership?

01:22:20.280 Yes.

01:22:20.720 We have some surprises up our sleeves,

01:22:23.840 sweetheart.

01:22:24.860 Sweet.

01:22:25.300 Don't you worry.

01:22:26.300 We'll be okay.

01:22:27.400 Oh,

01:22:27.720 well,

01:22:27.960 I I'm excited to see what those are.

01:22:30.700 Stand by.

01:22:31.300 Cause I do really want to chat with another Democrat who's been in the news

01:22:34.280 lately.

01:22:34.580 And his name is Andrew Cuomo.

01:22:36.400 I'm going to play a soundbite.

01:22:37.460 This is a man.

01:22:38.320 You may not know him,

01:22:39.080 Nancy,

01:22:39.340 but his name is Kyle and he does the best impressions.

01:22:42.080 And he did this one of governor Andrew Cuomo.

01:22:44.780 This is soundbite nine.

01:22:46.280 And then I'm going to interview him.

01:22:47.600 Here it is.

01:22:49.180 Here is a chart of your grandmother's sexual attraction to me over the past

01:22:54.660 year.

01:22:55.380 We start off with a spike.

01:22:57.420 When I start to do my daily briefings,

01:22:59.620 we then have another spike.

01:23:02.620 When I start to show charts, 0.98

01:23:04.320 here's the point where I killed a bunch of old people. 1.00

01:23:07.320 Bit of a dip. 0.98

01:23:08.280 Then sexual assault claims.

01:23:09.660 One,

01:23:09.800 two,

01:23:09.860 three,

01:23:09.980 five,

01:23:10.100 five,

01:23:10.280 six,

01:23:10.540 et cetera.

01:23:11.020 Okay.

01:23:11.900 That is all the time we have today.

01:23:14.760 Until next time,

01:23:16.240 keep your head in the clouds and your eyes in the charts.

01:23:19.860 Governor,

01:23:20.580 governor,

01:23:21.120 it's wonderful to have you here.

01:23:22.740 I never thought you'd have the guts to actually show up.

01:23:24.340 It's wonderful to be here.

01:23:25.940 Of course I have the guts.

01:23:27.020 Of course.

01:23:27.540 Of course.

01:23:27.660 Italians have guts. 0.95

01:23:30.040 They're filled with meatballs,

01:23:31.240 but we got them.

01:23:32.280 Well,

01:23:32.620 let me ask you first,

01:23:33.340 cause you know,

01:23:33.700 it's more recently in the news about the downfall of your brother at CNN.

01:23:37.020 Chris,

01:23:37.320 what do you make of that?

01:23:38.780 Yeah.

01:23:38.980 What was that?

01:23:40.440 They look,

01:23:40.860 he's a bad kid.

01:23:41.980 I didn't want to tell people, 0.68

01:23:43.320 but he's no good. 0.99

01:23:44.880 He's rotten from the inside. 0.98

01:23:47.000 Okay.

01:23:47.980 That's why you were mom's favorite.

01:23:50.280 Absolutely.

01:23:51.160 My mother loved me best.

01:23:52.620 And she told us.

01:23:54.140 Okay.

01:23:55.020 Next story.

01:23:55.740 Explains a lot.

01:23:56.380 One day,

01:23:57.920 Christopher came home from school.

01:23:59.240 He had cheated on his test.

01:24:02.480 Okay.

01:24:03.380 My grandfather,

01:24:05.220 who was in the adult circus,

01:24:07.340 circus for adults.

01:24:09.660 He showed,

01:24:10.780 he brought him down to work.

01:24:12.500 Okay.

01:24:13.360 Cause we were going to have Chris work in the adult circus.

01:24:16.060 My grandfather had this very famous act. 0.98

01:24:19.240 He would take his testicles out and go through the aisles, 0.99

01:24:22.240 smacking people in the face. 1.00

01:24:24.580 One day, 0.81

01:24:25.720 Christopher sees him backstage and he's putting,

01:24:28.720 you know, 0.99

01:24:29.380 oils has testicles. 1.00

01:24:31.520 He says to him, 1.00

01:24:32.580 Gramps,

01:24:32.880 what are you doing?

01:24:33.800 He says,

01:24:34.560 I do this. 0.98

01:24:35.860 So when I smack the peoples in the face with the Polish car wash, 1.00

01:24:40.180 it moisturizes the skin.

01:24:42.680 He was doing this for other people,

01:24:46.020 teaching Christopher to do for others,

01:24:48.200 not just for yourself.

01:24:49.300 Brilliant man.

01:24:50.940 But it didn't work. 1.00

01:24:52.280 He's a piece of crap. 1.00

01:24:53.460 Well, 1.00

01:24:53.840 you know,

01:24:54.100 some would say that you were the one who took that lesson to heart.

01:24:56.480 You know,

01:24:56.580 you got booted out of office for harassing a bunch of women. 0.99

01:25:00.440 That was a smear job because I have pierced nipples. 0.99

01:25:04.120 Oh, 0.93

01:25:04.840 did you know this?

01:25:06.160 No.

01:25:07.160 Well,

01:25:07.440 I think I actually did read something about that.

01:25:09.800 You actually do.

01:25:10.440 Don't you?

01:25:11.080 Yes,

01:25:11.420 I do.

01:25:11.880 Look at pictures online.

01:25:13.220 You could see through the shirt.

01:25:14.760 No,

01:25:15.060 thanks. 0.99

01:25:15.500 I pierced my nipples. 0.96

01:25:18.240 Did it hurt? 0.99

01:25:18.900 Insanity.

01:25:20.320 Of course.

01:25:21.120 But I like the hurt.

01:25:23.160 Pain and sexual pleasure are one and the same.

01:25:26.340 Okay.

01:25:26.740 Okay.

01:25:27.240 Two sides of the same coin.

01:25:29.500 What,

01:25:29.840 what,

01:25:30.220 what about these rumors that you're plotting a political comeback?

01:25:36.080 These are true stories.

01:25:38.340 Okay.

01:25:38.620 I will let the cat out of the bag and you show I'm running for office again.

01:25:43.080 You just need a little time to let things cool off.

01:25:45.840 The way things work now,

01:25:46.860 so many things that come at the peoples,

01:25:49.280 you know,

01:25:49.720 they forget,

01:25:50.820 you know,

01:25:51.160 that you sexually harassed people.

01:25:53.660 You know,

01:25:54.220 it hasn't even been a year since you got booted out of office.

01:25:56.560 So what makes you think people want you back?

01:25:59.400 They have no choice.

01:26:01.340 I am too charming and terrific for them to resist the Cuomo. 0.55

01:26:06.100 A lot of Cuomo sexuals out there.

01:26:07.660 I'm not sure if you wear this. 0.80

01:26:08.440 Still?

01:26:09.900 Absolutely.

01:26:10.820 They're even more attracted to a bad boy.

01:26:13.620 That's why I wear this hat.

01:26:15.820 Bad boy hat.

01:26:17.620 Okay.

01:26:18.200 What do you make of the,

01:26:19.140 you know,

01:26:19.380 the claims online that people look at your brother,

01:26:21.140 Chris,

01:26:21.360 and they say he's the Fredo of the family.

01:26:24.200 He is.

01:26:25.160 He's the Fredo of the family.

01:26:26.200 So you don't find that racist as he claimed.

01:26:29.420 No.

01:26:30.100 I mean,

01:26:30.680 it's true.

01:26:31.460 If it were not true,

01:26:32.720 it would be racist.

01:26:34.240 But he is the Fredo.

01:26:35.800 I,

01:26:36.320 of course,

01:26:36.620 am the godfather.

01:26:37.980 Ah,

01:26:38.580 I see.

01:26:39.020 Pulling the strings of the puppets of the Cuomo family.

01:26:42.920 Okay.

01:26:44.180 Well,

01:26:44.380 can I ask you one other thing as a lifelong New Yorker?

01:26:46.360 And I was living in New York when your father,

01:26:47.960 Mario,

01:26:48.300 was the governor.

01:26:49.060 I don't agree with the renaming of the Tappan Zee Bridge,

01:26:52.100 the Mario Cuomo Bridge.

01:26:53.260 I don't like it.

01:26:54.060 And I think,

01:26:54.480 you know,

01:26:54.700 given your disgrace and your brother's disgrace, 0.95

01:26:56.580 we shouldn't be,

01:26:57.300 have to be going across that bridge every day,

01:26:59.140 seeing the Cuomo name.

01:27:00.240 Is there anything,

01:27:00.940 you know,

01:27:01.300 you could do to undo that?

01:27:02.760 That's terrible.

01:27:03.260 That's terrible.

01:27:03.820 I'm saying it might soften me on you a little bit.

01:27:05.400 What's wrong with that?

01:27:05.680 What's wrong with the Cuomo Bridge?

01:27:06.580 I don't want to be reminded.

01:27:07.340 It's a beautiful name.

01:27:08.180 You like Tappan Zee?

01:27:09.520 Yeah,

01:27:09.820 I like Tappan Zee.

01:27:10.300 It sounds like a pudding.

01:27:11.880 What would you call it?

01:27:13.220 The Megan Kelly Bridge?

01:27:14.760 I was fine with Tappan Zee.

01:27:16.220 It's been the Tappan Zee my whole life. 0.73

01:27:18.140 I don't need to honor Mario Cuomo with my car.

01:27:21.160 You should honor him.

01:27:23.200 He built this city.

01:27:24.860 You think?

01:27:26.180 Absolutely.

01:27:27.080 Challenge.

01:27:28.440 Without him,

01:27:29.520 what would it be?

01:27:30.540 Now,

01:27:30.920 listen,

01:27:31.700 it would be Boston.

01:27:33.080 I love talking to you,

01:27:33.980 but I got a lot of other guys I got to get to with equally large egos.

01:27:37.460 And they include some very important people.

01:27:39.940 So thank you for being here,

01:27:40.860 Governor,

01:27:41.120 but I'm going to turn the page and talk to Dr. Fauci.

01:27:46.540 And I just want to tell the audience as we get Dr. Fauci mic'd up that there's been news by

01:27:51.300 Fauci this week in which he's announced to the world that we better get ready and that we might

01:27:56.480 have to reinstate potential lockdowns and masks indoors, depending on how things go with COVID.

01:28:03.920 So, you know, we're always living in a perpetual state of worry for those at home who are listening,

01:28:10.160 not watching.

01:28:11.520 Kyle has now shrunk down to where we can only see his eyes and nose.

01:28:15.000 I'm not very tall.

01:28:17.300 Hi,

01:28:17.880 hi,

01:28:18.340 Megan.

01:28:19.220 I'm shorter than the others.

01:28:21.180 Dr. Fauci.

01:28:22.560 Why?

01:28:23.500 Why?

01:28:23.940 Why didn't you sit on like a big man's chair?

01:28:26.720 Big boy chair.

01:28:27.360 I'm sitting on three Apple boxes,

01:28:29.640 but I still only got this tall.

01:28:33.800 It's a sad thing.

01:28:35.080 It's nothing to laugh at.

01:28:36.600 Dr. Fauci is a very tiny man.

01:28:38.840 They constantly have to,

01:28:40.400 you know,

01:28:40.840 put boxes down for me at the press conferences and all of these things.

01:28:44.560 So I could see.

01:28:45.580 It explains a lot though,

01:28:47.000 really,

01:28:47.260 if you think it through from a psychological matter,

01:28:49.520 right?

01:28:49.900 It's a disability to be a short person.

01:28:52.360 And there's no much for us.

01:28:55.360 If you notice,

01:28:56.920 there's no March.

01:28:57.700 Oh,

01:28:57.880 there's no March for short people.

01:29:00.140 Right.

01:29:00.660 Why is that?

01:29:01.440 Ain't built for us.

01:29:02.940 And no letter.

01:29:04.100 You don't get a letter.

01:29:05.580 There's no letter.

01:29:06.820 There's nothing.

01:29:08.340 There's just abuse and very high microphones.

01:29:12.800 What do you make of it?

01:29:13.780 Dr.

01:29:14.040 Fauci.

01:29:14.320 Do you think that we're going to be finding another variant that causes us to

01:29:17.500 lock down and mask up and more mandatory vaccines?

01:29:20.840 Let's hope so.

01:29:21.800 Cause I don't have a job.

01:29:23.200 If we,

01:29:23.820 if nothing else happens here,

01:29:25.460 you admit it.

01:29:26.960 I,

01:29:27.060 I pray every day for more bat soup from China, 1.00

01:29:31.440 wherever it's coming from.

01:29:33.840 Bat soup. 1.00

01:29:35.120 Yeah.

01:29:35.520 Wow.

01:29:35.660 There are a lot of people who believe you were responsible in some way for

01:29:39.140 that original bat soup that got us all sick funding gain of function 1.00

01:29:42.260 research,

01:29:42.840 including in the Wuhan lab.

01:29:45.040 What do you say?

01:29:45.720 Well,

01:29:46.100 you didn't hear it from me.

01:29:47.960 Let's just say that.

01:29:48.980 No comment from me today on that.

01:29:52.820 Hmm.

01:29:53.080 I don't know,

01:29:53.800 Dr.

01:29:54.040 Fauci.

01:29:54.360 I feel like over the course of this pandemic,

01:29:55.780 you've gotten a little drunk on your own.

01:29:57.140 Why would you think it came from the Wuhan lab?

01:30:00.300 It just happened to come from a town called Wuhan where the Wuhan lab is.

01:30:05.940 I don't know why you draw that conclusion.

01:30:08.600 Well,

01:30:08.920 I mean,

01:30:09.200 you've done your level best to make me not right.

01:30:11.560 I mean,

01:30:11.780 there's been,

01:30:12.480 we've seen the papers where you try to get all those virologists to reverse

01:30:15.660 their opinions that it came from the lab.

01:30:18.200 And within 24 hours,

01:30:19.740 suddenly after talking to you,

01:30:20.820 they were like,

01:30:21.380 didn't come from a lab,

01:30:23.020 came from an animal.

01:30:24.440 Hey,

01:30:24.760 look,

01:30:25.160 you can't prove nothing over there.

01:30:27.540 Let's see you prove it.

01:30:29.180 Hmm.

01:30:29.620 It's been pretty well proven.

01:30:31.480 I mean,

01:30:31.700 it's like,

01:30:32.220 you know,

01:30:32.880 they didn't actually catch you with the gun in your hand.

01:30:34.820 This is short abuse,

01:30:35.780 right?

01:30:35.980 What we're hearing right now is short abuse.

01:30:38.660 You're being a shortest right now.

01:30:42.500 Abusing a man for being smaller. 0.67

01:30:45.940 What a,

01:30:46.160 you should feel some shame yourself.

01:30:48.420 Dr.

01:30:48.660 Fauci.

01:30:49.040 I mean,

01:30:49.380 almost 6 million people are dead.

01:30:51.060 Do you feel no shame for funding?

01:30:52.860 I mean,

01:30:53.080 if you think about the whole world and there's 7 billion trillion people,

01:30:57.240 6 billion,

01:30:57.980 it's not that many.

01:31:00.720 It could be worse.

01:31:01.840 You gotta do ratios,

01:31:03.380 Megan.

01:31:04.820 You gotta ratio it out.

01:31:06.220 There is a man who looks at human life and its value in a similar way.

01:31:10.900 And his name is Vladimir Putin.

01:31:12.420 I've actually interviewed Vladimir Putin three times.

01:31:14.500 This will be the fourth.

01:31:16.160 He's coming on in a moment and there's a lot going on.

01:31:18.680 I mean,

01:31:18.820 as I said earlier,

01:31:19.540 there are reports now that he's withdrawing from Kyiv and some other major

01:31:23.740 portions more in the Western part of Ukraine.

01:31:27.140 But now NATO is saying that's a lie.

01:31:29.800 Don't believe a thing that the Russians say and that they're, 1.00

01:31:32.180 they appear to be rearming,

01:31:33.560 not retreating.

01:31:35.480 Amazingly.

01:31:35.840 I got Vladimir Putin again this time via Zoom.

01:31:39.000 He's here.

01:31:40.660 President Putin,

01:31:41.340 thank you so much for being here.

01:31:42.480 And,

01:31:42.660 and is it true that you are withdrawing from the Western part of Ukraine?

01:31:46.860 Hello.

01:31:47.660 Hello,

01:31:48.220 Maggie.

01:31:49.120 No,

01:31:49.520 this is not true.

01:31:50.460 None of this story,

01:31:51.480 not withdrawing or going back in.

01:31:53.440 Neither one of those things are happening.

01:31:55.260 No,

01:31:55.580 you're not withdrawing.

01:31:56.040 One of those things are happening.

01:31:57.720 Why are you not going in or withdrawing or staying where we are?

01:32:01.160 No,

01:32:01.660 none of those.

01:32:02.460 None of those.

01:32:03.280 Okay.

01:32:03.480 So,

01:32:04.000 so what about,

01:32:04.820 um,

01:32:05.320 what about all these sanctions that have been levied on you?

01:32:07.320 Must be tough time to be living in Russia.

01:32:09.780 No,

01:32:10.280 Russia,

01:32:10.760 beautiful country,

01:32:12.140 Russia.

01:32:13.300 This is my Russian accent.

01:32:14.760 I'm just actually working on it.

01:32:17.480 As good as I'd hoped.

01:32:19.100 It's all part of your KGB past.

01:32:20.860 So you're always trying to throw me off.

01:32:21.880 Aren't you?

01:32:22.700 People don't know that I'm not really Russian.

01:32:25.120 I just got here a few months ago.

01:32:26.800 Is that right?

01:32:27.440 Where are you from originally?

01:32:29.400 Kansas City.

01:32:29.920 Kansas City.

01:32:31.440 Oh,

01:32:31.880 the best dupe of them all.

01:32:34.040 I feel like you might be playing a little April Fool's joke on me,

01:32:37.060 Mr.

01:32:37.260 President.

01:32:37.600 No,

01:32:37.860 no,

01:32:38.080 you got me.

01:32:38.780 You got me.

01:32:39.400 April Fool's to you.

01:32:41.760 Can I just ask you,

01:32:42.700 cause you know,

01:32:43.140 you're not married and there are lots of reports sometimes about,

01:32:45.760 you know,

01:32:46.140 the young dancers or whomever that,

01:32:48.120 you know,

01:32:48.280 you might be partnering up with in the news.

01:32:50.340 Is there any truth to any of that?

01:32:53.140 Uh,

01:32:53.720 there's some girls, 1.00

01:32:54.940 you know,

01:32:55.220 that I see here and there,

01:32:56.800 but,

01:32:57.080 uh,

01:32:57.320 right now,

01:32:57.740 no commitment from me.

01:32:59.400 But I do know how to do as a woman.

01:33:02.320 I take the shirt off.

01:33:03.320 I get on a horse,

01:33:04.200 you know,

01:33:04.740 sort of get sweaty for them.

01:33:07.380 I know that's your thing.

01:33:08.300 I mean,

01:33:08.540 I'm,

01:33:08.780 when I interviewed you at the Kremlin,

01:33:10.200 I said,

01:33:10.720 what's with all the shirtless photos and your answer.

01:33:12.460 I don't know if you remember,

01:33:13.080 but you looked at me and said,

01:33:14.320 I give the people what they want.

01:33:16.240 That's right.

01:33:16.940 I did that to you.

01:33:17.940 I remember that.

01:33:19.080 I said,

01:33:19.500 I give them what I want and they get you,

01:33:21.540 you know,

01:33:21.940 that's how you stay on top,

01:33:23.760 you know,

01:33:24.200 keep the ladies happy,

01:33:25.520 give them what they want.

01:33:26.880 Well,

01:33:27.220 I'll tell you this,

01:33:27.940 that,

01:33:28.220 uh,

01:33:28.480 if you find a young lady and,

01:33:29.940 you know,

01:33:30.060 it doesn't work out or,

01:33:31.860 you know,

01:33:31.980 you don't see her as a long-term prospect.

01:33:33.660 I've got a pal,

01:33:34.640 Kyle Dunnigan,

01:33:35.180 who could really use a setup.

01:33:36.580 So maybe,

01:33:37.380 you know,

01:33:37.680 in an act of kindness,

01:33:39.600 some sort of,

01:33:40.340 you know,

01:33:40.800 olive branch,

01:33:42.280 you,

01:33:42.520 you could,

01:33:42.960 you know,

01:33:43.520 create a union,

01:33:44.980 like put some love out there into the world instead of so much hatred.

01:33:48.600 I would love to help him and,

01:33:50.440 uh,

01:33:50.780 put some love out there.

01:33:52.120 Maybe I'll change my tone.

01:33:54.320 Stop being a dictator, 1.00

01:33:55.840 jerk, 1.00

01:33:56.740 and be a matchmaker, 0.98

01:33:58.360 like the million dollar matchmaker.

01:34:00.300 This is amazing.

01:34:01.740 This,

01:34:02.280 this is amazing.

01:34:03.320 I think we really made some progress here and I,

01:34:05.320 I appreciate it.

01:34:06.520 I want to apologize for all my terror on this problem.

01:34:11.420 Thank you.

01:34:12.180 Yeah.

01:34:12.660 Apology not accepted,

01:34:13.660 but we appreciate the attempt.

01:34:15.440 Um,

01:34:16.520 all right.

01:34:16.860 Now,

01:34:17.040 Kyle is,

01:34:17.720 is he,

01:34:18.040 is Kyle around?

01:34:18.720 Could you tap him on the shoulder?

01:34:19.720 Ask him if he could come back.

01:34:21.620 Hey,

01:34:21.740 it's not the greatest Russian accent.

01:34:23.200 I am still working on that.

01:34:25.720 It's amazing.

01:34:26.780 You're incredibly talented.

01:34:29.060 So is it?

01:34:29.380 We got to go,

01:34:29.880 but I,

01:34:30.340 I,

01:34:30.720 I would be disserving my audience if I didn't ask you to tell them where they can find more of you.

01:34:37.520 Um,

01:34:37.920 youtube.com slash Kyle Dunnigan is,

01:34:41.540 uh,

01:34:41.800 where I am mainly.

01:34:42.820 I do a weekly show there,

01:34:44.240 weekly live show,

01:34:45.080 it's like an insane thing,

01:34:46.980 but it's a weekly live sketch show and it's a lot of fun and,

01:34:50.600 uh,

01:34:50.800 check it out.

01:34:51.800 Well,

01:34:52.120 listen,

01:34:52.400 it's growing right now.

01:34:53.460 And,

01:34:53.740 uh,

01:34:54.380 it's,

01:34:54.860 um,

01:34:55.360 the really nice group of people,

01:34:57.260 like a community,

01:34:57.740 they watch live and they talk to each other and it's,

01:35:00.720 uh,

01:35:00.840 really been fun.

01:35:01.560 It's really stressful though,

01:35:02.460 to be honest,

01:35:02.920 like it's so much work.

01:35:05.080 They're there to see you.

01:35:06.720 I mean,

01:35:06.860 that's why this is better than having gotten cast on SNL for so many reasons.

01:35:10.860 This is better.

01:35:12.140 It is in a lot of ways.

01:35:13.200 Like they can't cancel it.

01:35:14.220 I can't get fired.

01:35:14.940 And,

01:35:15.360 uh,

01:35:15.720 yeah,

01:35:15.960 I have total control.

01:35:16.860 And also,

01:35:17.440 I mean,

01:35:18.380 SNL,

01:35:18.820 you have to be,

01:35:20.480 you couldn't do 90% of the sketches I do.

01:35:23.700 That's right.

01:35:24.460 NBC.

01:35:25.380 So that's exactly right.

01:35:26.500 There's no competition in what I'm doing.

01:35:28.660 Like no one else seems to be doing a live sketch show.

01:35:32.040 Wow.

01:35:32.500 Is that right?

01:35:33.900 I don't see any live sketches other than like SNL.

01:35:36.800 I didn't realize that.

01:35:38.240 Well,

01:35:38.720 you're incredibly talented and thank you.

01:35:41.300 Thank you for all the laughs on a Friday.

01:35:42.840 We needed them.

01:35:44.080 Thank you.

01:35:44.720 Thanks for having me.

01:35:45.520 Yeah.

01:35:45.780 To be continued.

01:35:46.340 Hope you come back.

01:35:47.600 Absolutely.

01:35:48.220 All the best.

01:35:48.960 Kyle Dunnigan,

01:35:49.520 everybody go to Kyle Dunnigan,

01:35:51.240 D U N N I G A N. 1.00

01:35:53.340 Dot com for tour dates and his weekly show.

01:35:56.280 Before we go,

01:35:56.780 I want to tell you quickly,

01:35:57.500 don't miss the show on Monday because we've got the ruthless guys back.

01:35:59.680 And guess what?

01:36:00.600 Toddler mask mandate in New York city,

01:36:02.340 just ruled arbitrary,

01:36:03.500 capricious and void.

01:36:05.220 Score one for the good guys.

01:36:06.200 Michael Chessa was on the show talking about it.

01:36:08.020 He won New York better not appeal.

01:36:10.620 Have a great weekend and we'll see you Monday.

01:36:15.080 Thanks for listening to the Megan Kelly show.

01:36:16.960 No BS,

01:36:18.060 no agenda and no fear.

01:36:26.780 Now streaming on Paramount plus.

01:36:33.660 Someone is trying to frame us.

01:36:35.920 Until our names are cleared.

01:36:38.260 We're fugitives from interval.

01:36:40.300 Like Bonnie and Clyde with better snacks.

01:36:43.660 Espionage.

01:36:44.400 You're still as good a shot as you used to be.

01:36:47.360 Better.

01:36:48.220 Is there love language?

01:36:49.560 We like to walk that fine line between techno thriller and romantic comedy.

01:36:55.000 We make up our own rules.

01:36:56.780 NCIS,

01:36:57.480 Tony and Ziva now streaming on Paramount plus.

The Megyn Kelly Show - April 01, 2022

Biden, Fauci, Kardashian, Baldwin, ＂Trans Trump,＂ and More, with Kyle Dunnigan ｜ Ep. 291

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