The Megyn Kelly Show - December 23, 2025


Meghan Markle, Ryan Reynolds, Oprah and Others Compete with Fellow Offenders at The Nerve Awards!


Episode Stats


Length

53 minutes

Words per minute

136.89899

Word count

7,288

Sentence count

675

Harmful content

Misogyny

30

sentences flagged

Hate speech

24

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

The NERV Awards are finally here! Join hosts Maureen Callahan ( ) and Teddy Van Halen ( ) as they hand out this year's honorees in categories like "Arsonist, Career or Otherwise" and "Homicidal Celebrity Criminals of the Year."

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 Hello, and welcome to the 2025 Inaugural NERV Awards.
00:00:10.180 I am your host, Maureen Callahan.
00:00:12.780 I'm here with my co-host, Teddy Van Halen.
00:00:16.100 And now is the long-awaited time to give proper recognition to all those recidivists who really 1.00
00:00:23.780 have it coming.
00:00:24.420 In fact, we've actually furloughed some of our top repeat offenders to join us here
00:00:30.320 on set, even if just in effigy.
00:00:33.540 We've got Bill Maher, who really, really made it clear how much he hates red lingerie.
00:00:39.600 We've got Violet Affleck from her masked-up appearance at the UN.
00:00:44.140 And we've got Greta Thunberg with her bangs. 1.00
00:00:47.440 Marlena got Greta's bangs.
00:00:49.460 We've also got Meghan Markle's Psycho Vision Board, which allegedly existed long before
00:00:55.800 she ever met Harry.
00:00:57.180 And we have our Stedman Graham Crime Board.
00:01:02.280 It's our homeland board of his last known whereabouts and our prime suspects in his disappearance.
00:01:08.700 And we have an update here, because this has gone from a search and rescue mission to a
00:01:15.380 search and recovery mission.
00:01:16.620 We all know what that means.
00:01:18.280 And we're going to go live with what we understand is a secret mission that may or may not involve
00:01:29.500 the United States military to recover Stedman's remains.
00:01:34.420 Now, of course, it would not be the Nerve Awards without other categories that no other awards
00:01:41.020 show would ever dream of conceiving, let alone doling out.
00:01:46.000 So are you ready?
00:01:48.040 Teddy, are you ready?
00:01:50.020 Are you ready?
00:01:51.460 Let's go.
00:01:54.980 Do you second guess the nutrition, taste, and sustainability of the seafood that you bring
00:01:59.940 home?
00:02:00.880 Introducing Wild Alaskan.
00:02:02.920 Their seafood is 100% wild-caught, never farmed, which means no antibiotics, GMOs, or additives,
00:02:11.500 just clean, nutrient-rich fish that supports healthy oceans and fishing communities.
00:02:18.260 Wild Alaskan Company delivers perfectly portioned, wild-caught seafood straight to your door.
00:02:24.700 I can attest, I love Wild Alaskan.
00:02:29.180 Their fish is frozen right off the boat.
00:02:31.560 That locks in flavor, texture, and nutrients like omega-3s, which are so good for you.
00:02:37.320 Every order supports sustainable harvesting practices, and their flexible membership includes
00:02:43.600 expert tips and feel-good seafood.
00:02:45.900 My personal favorite is the Wild Sockeye Salmon.
00:02:49.660 It's rich, it's buttery, and it's incredibly fresh.
00:02:53.260 The best part, you can try it risk-free, and if you are not completely satisfied with your
00:02:59.080 first box, Wild Alaskan Company offers a 100% money-back guarantee, no questions asked,
00:03:07.400 just high-quality seafood that you can feel good about.
00:03:10.260 Not all fish are the same.
00:03:11.900 Get seafood you can trust.
00:03:13.660 Go to wildalaskan.com slash nerve for $35 off your first box of premium wild-caught seafood.
00:03:22.360 That's wildalaskan.com slash nerve for $35 off your first order.
00:03:29.480 And thanks to Wild Alaskan Company for sponsoring this episode.
00:03:35.500 We begin tonight's awards with the category called Arsonist, Career, or Otherwise.
00:03:45.040 Our nominees are Jon Hamm for Setting Fire to a Frat Pledge back when he was in college and 0.98
00:03:51.800 getting away with it.
00:03:53.260 Ryan Reynolds for burning down his elementary school in Canada and getting away with it.
00:03:59.620 Meghan Markle for torching what was left of her reputation this year.
00:04:04.300 And Jeremy Irons for this contribution to the culture.
00:04:09.920 Could a father not marry his son? 0.74
00:04:16.680 Well, there are laws against incest. 0.99
00:04:18.860 It's not incest between men.
00:04:21.500 Incest is there to protect us from having inbreeding.
00:04:27.860 But men don't breed. 0.98
00:04:29.500 Therefore, they...
00:04:29.860 So incest wouldn't cover them.
00:04:32.100 Now, if that was so, then if I wanted to pass on my estate without death duties, I could marry
00:04:39.340 my son and pass on my estate to him.
00:04:44.420 I got to give it to Jeremy Irons.
00:04:49.020 Again, he did not just defend incest between fathers and sons, but he mentioned that there
00:04:54.400 are some great tax breaks involved.
00:04:57.100 Now, our winner for arsonist...
00:04:59.600 Oh, sorry, Teddy.
00:05:00.560 Don't be afraid.
00:05:01.340 These people are getting nowhere near you.
00:05:03.480 Arsonist, career or otherwise, is...
00:05:06.420 Ryan Reynolds.
00:05:11.680 Ryan Reynolds, who actually burned an entire elementary school down to the ground and got
00:05:19.080 away with it for years.
00:05:20.920 Congratulations, Ryan.
00:05:23.600 Now, our next category, homicidal celebrity maniac of the year.
00:05:29.380 And trust me when I tell you, this one is packed.
00:05:32.220 It is packed.
00:05:32.940 Our nominees are Elizabeth Gilbert, the self-help author who wrote about her plans to murder
00:05:41.460 her dying girlfriend in her sleep by switching out her chemo pills and then smothering her 0.99
00:05:47.500 to death with a pillow.
00:05:49.780 Priscilla Presley, who has been accused in a lawsuit by two former business partners of
00:05:54.920 prematurely pulling the plug on her daughter, Lisa Marie, who had left as her stated wishes 0.81
00:06:00.360 that she wanted every extraordinary measure taken to preserve her life.
00:06:04.800 And upon unplugging, Lisa Marie's vent, allegedly reportedly said,
00:06:11.060 I am the queen of Graceland now.
00:06:13.520 Gary slash Jerry of The Golden Bachelor, whose first wife died of a mysterious illness and
00:06:19.580 who I believe was cremated awfully quickly.
00:06:21.620 Alec Baldwin, who got into a car crash in East Hampton a few months back on the heels of barely
00:06:32.420 getting away with the shooting death of Rust cinematographer Helena Hutchins.
00:06:38.580 Matthew Broderick, who we revisited for having killed a mother and daughter in a head-on
00:06:44.820 collision in Ireland and then buying a house just miles from where it occurred.
00:06:50.000 Oprah and Gail, currently the prime suspects in the disappearance of one Stedman Graham.
00:06:55.420 And JFK Jr., who we took to our wood chipper at the end of CNN's three-part documentary proving
00:07:03.960 our case that he absolutely was engaged, whether he was dialed in or not, on a murder-suicide
00:07:10.320 mission the night he killed himself, his wife, and her sister.
00:07:13.380 And the winner of Homicidal Maniac of the Year goes to, we think it's the beginning of
00:07:23.500 a sweep, we do, it is Oprah and Gail, who as of now have gotten away, we think, with murder.
00:07:33.040 Now, again, as I stated, we are getting incoming word that a secret live military op is going to
00:07:46.520 begin imminently, and we will cut to it as soon as we can. We have a hot tip on the whereabouts
00:07:53.220 Stedman Graham, or what's left of him. Now, on to our third category, nerve clapbacks. We are very
00:08:02.960 proud here at the nerve to say that we've only been around for eight months, but we're certainly
00:08:07.660 striking some people where it hurts. We begin after our mini, which you guys loved, on Tracy Ellis
00:08:15.260 Ross's solo travel show, in which she proudly dry brushed every single limb in first class. Tracy
00:08:27.400 clapped back. Our second nominee, Sarah Jessica Parker, who we said, was never reading on a subway.
00:08:38.200 Not reading on a subway. No New Yorker is going to read on a subway train. And within like a month,
00:08:45.040 we got this. The New Yorker inaugurated what it called its mini interview series in the fall,
00:08:54.460 as far as we can tell. It's clear. They're ripping off the nerve. It's cool. And then there were no
00:09:00.760 shortage of New York Times headlines, we believe, inspired by the nerve. And we'll show you a few.
00:09:06.260 Trump's wrecking ball strikes a nerve. The troublemaker behind Netflix's biggest gamble. At Hammer Museum,
00:09:15.740 a Hammer lacks nerve. And Jack Schlossberg's seemingly since aborted series that he seems to have also
00:09:26.020 scrubbed from his Instagram account, Ask Not with Jack Schlossberg. And the winner for nerve clapbacks is
00:09:36.820 Tracy Ellis Ross. Tracy, you won something. Okay, you won something. And you know what,
00:09:47.620 Tracy, the nerve has two special episodes upcoming inspired by you. And you know what,
00:09:56.160 it's a travel show. And it's a travel show done right. And we took a little we took a few cues from
00:10:02.640 you. You know, my travel buddy and I, we, we brought some dry brushes to a wholly inappropriate
00:10:08.360 place. So we hope you'll enjoy and watch and give us your feedback. Teddy just flung his hat off. He's
00:10:15.880 already over it. He's already over the bullshit. Joining us now to present the award for best worst
00:10:23.560 actress in a hate watch, the one and only Tim, the celebrity makeup artist. It's Tim McKay. Welcome,
00:10:30.720 Tim. Hi, Maureen. Hello. Mwah. Mwah. You look beautiful. Well, thank you, Tim. Thank you. I need a powder.
00:10:38.460 I'm a little shiny. Sorry. The excitement has already, you know, taken its toll. You look amazing. Oh, you
00:10:44.280 are the, you are the best. Now, Tim. Tim's the real deal, by the way. He's not, you know, one of these,
00:10:50.400 like, you know, people are always just like, oh, you're so great. You're so great. You're so great.
00:10:54.820 He will, he will always correct you if you need it. Okay, now, best worst actress in a hate watch. This was a
00:11:00.700 very, very tough category, Tim. Now, you and I went through these hate watches together and we
00:11:08.200 talked to the troublemaker community about them. Would you like to, why don't I, why don't you read
00:11:15.060 the nominees? Okay. And then I'll share the winner with you and we can react together because we don't
00:11:20.160 know who it is. Okay. Very exciting. Well, the nominees for best worst actress are Sarah Jessica
00:11:27.080 Parker, Jennifer Aniston, and Claire Danes. This is tough. Now, we had Sarah Jessica Parker, our favorite
00:11:37.800 sprightly 900-year-old heroine. I've never experienced a man seeing me as smart first. Sexy, yes. Cute, yes.
00:11:48.100 Humble, no. And we believe her terrible, her terrible acting definitely contributed to the early death of 0.76
00:11:55.340 and just like that, even though they claim it was an artistic decision. We all know the truth.
00:11:59.420 Jennifer Aniston. Tim, you, perhaps more than any guest this year, really identified Jennifer
00:12:07.420 Aniston's tics. Oh, oh. This is like her main one. She loves to do a hand to the head. Oh. Okay,
00:12:15.460 what are we not thinking of, Chip? Come on. Who are we not thinking of? Who could help? Come on.
00:12:20.540 There's got to be somebody we can call. Okay, look. She's just the best with her. 1.00
00:12:25.300 Can you do her stammer, please? I, I, I, I, I, no. I mean, I feel like I could be up there
00:12:33.740 with best worst actress, too. Well, yeah, exactly. That's exactly the point. And our third is Claire
00:12:41.700 Danes, whose cry face has reached critical mass. America is a weary nation. We would like her to 0.99
00:12:51.060 dial it back just a little, right? It's like every, every feature on the face at once, kind of.
00:12:57.600 Yes. One of those.
00:12:58.460 I think you believe the lie. And I think he resents you for it. And we think it's a flex to
00:13:07.040 be like, hey, look at you, the rest of you bitches. I don't get Botox. I'm that dedicated 1.00
00:13:11.600 of an actress. And she is acting. She's putting all of it onto that face. All of it. It is a lot.
00:13:18.140 And the winner in this very crowded category, the first, I can't say first annual, it's the
00:13:25.680 inaugural. Inaugural Best Worst Actress in a Hate Watch goes to Sarah Jessica Parker.
00:13:33.540 Congrats, Sarah. Congrats for killing an entire franchise with your raging ego and your insistence 0.99
00:13:39.160 that you're just a sprightly girl of 28. Thank you, Tim, for joining Minerva Awards.
00:13:45.500 We look forward to our Hate Watch in 2026. As discussed, it's Emily in Paris.
00:13:50.520 Thank you so much, Maureen. Thanks for joining, Tim. And now
00:13:54.780 for the Nerves, very special Sex Crimes Against the Culture Award. We know there is only one winner
00:14:03.700 of this category, and he has been befouling all of us from his subterranean club random,
00:14:11.860 where I often say I can't believe any celebrity goes, but females especially, without luminol and 1.00
00:14:19.420 a blue light. And in honor of Bill and all he has given to women this year from defending Sean Diddy Combs
00:14:28.340 in an op-ed on Real Time and blaming all the women who got beaten the shit out of, you know, 0.99
00:14:35.260 for not leaving right away to telling Drew Barrymore that she was still super fuckable to telling
00:14:42.340 Barbara Eden what OnlyFans is and using the word masturbating in front of this non-Agerian, 1.00
00:14:50.060 classy legend. Bill, not only do we have you in the red lingerie that you made very clear on,
00:14:58.820 Club Random, that you will not abide in the bourgeois. None of your female friends are allowed 1.00
00:15:05.100 to wear red lingerie because you don't like it. And you know what else? We really gave this some
00:15:09.780 thought because we talked about here at Nerve HQ, but you know, Marlena and I especially,
00:15:16.140 what kind of hanger Bill would allow a female guest to use in his house? And then we realized 0.99
00:15:24.940 he doesn't even have anyone around long enough to actually even ask them. And so what Bill would do
00:15:31.540 would hand over one of the cheap dry cleaning wire hangers and tell, especially anyone who dared to
00:15:41.320 cross that threshold wearing anything red, you could hang it on that. Okay. Now we are going to
00:15:48.940 search because I do not think that there is a television studio. Bill Maher has not be fouled
00:15:55.900 coast to coast. We are going to search for evidence that Bill Maher also self-admitted masturbator
00:16:03.040 before any given show, before any given real time episode, he's got to jerk off to get himself in 0.83
00:16:09.280 the mood. We are going to search. We've got our luminol and we've got our blue light and we've got
00:16:15.000 our sperm tracker. And here we go and lo and behold. Okay. I know where of I speak. There is evidence
00:16:23.020 that looks like evidence of Bill Maher's, can I say splooge? Would you guys be offended if I said
00:16:30.760 that? That's what that is. Okay. Marlena is telling me I can say it. You know what? It's time for
00:16:36.340 intervention number two, Marlena. Okay. Bill Maher, consider yourself the winner, the winner this
00:16:42.500 year of the ultra special sex crimes against the culture award. And here's to you keeping it going
00:16:50.160 in 2026. We will see you after a minute.
00:16:56.040 Ever read the label on a typical chip bag? It's a science experiment of seed oils, MSG dyes, and
00:17:06.060 vague natural flavors. Vandy crisps is part of the growing movement to bring back real food. They're
00:17:12.460 made of just three ingredients, 100% pesticide-free potatoes, sea salt, and grass-fed beef tallow. No
00:17:20.440 junk. They taste amazing. And they leave you feeling light, energized, and satisfied. No crash,
00:17:26.420 bloat, or mindless binging. And if you love Vandy, you will love Masa chips, Vandy's sister brand.
00:17:32.840 Their three-ingredient tortilla chips are the best I have ever had. And I consider myself a connoisseur
00:17:38.220 of Mexican food. My go-to flavor is the original, but white, blue, lime, cobonero, churro, they are all
00:17:45.380 delicious. If you are ready to give Vandy or Masa a try, use code Maureen for 25% off your first order
00:17:53.120 at vandycrisps.com or masachips.com, or simply click the link in the video description or scan
00:18:00.360 the QR code to claim this delicious offer. And if you prefer in-person shopping, Vandy and Masa are now
00:18:08.220 available nationwide at your local Sprouts supermarket. So stop by and pick up a couple of bags before they
00:18:15.280 are gone.
00:18:19.800 We are back. As discussed, breaking news. There is a special ops mission to recover the remains of one
00:18:27.680 Stedman Graham. This is a segment we are calling Zero Bark 30. We have heard now, we have word, the Apache
00:18:36.820 helicopter is within seconds of landing at this compound at an unnamed location in the Middle East.
00:18:46.040 And it comes, and it comes, and it comes. It's going to hover and attempt to land without detection.
00:18:54.340 Can it do it? Can it do it? This is make or break. We've only got one, one helicopter on this mission.
00:19:02.100 Can we land? Can we do it? Let's get down quietly. Oh, beautiful landing. We're a little bit off the
00:19:09.120 mark, but it's a beautiful landing. Teddy is now donning his night vision goggles. We're going in.
00:19:16.360 We're going in. We believe that Stedman Graham's remains have been left at this compound in a
00:19:21.740 lot of bad. Okay. Now, this is a nerve award category. Celebrity appendage or plus one, most in
00:19:30.560 need of a SEAL Team 6 extraction. And if you recall in Zero Dark 30, there was a dog on that raid by the
00:19:38.420 name of Cairo. In our nerve raid on this compound, our special dog on this mission is one Teddy Van
00:19:45.400 Halen. There's nothing this dog can't do. And he's been devoted to sniffing out wherever Oprah and Gail
00:19:51.460 left Stedman. And so our nominees are, of course, Stedman Graham. Our second nominee in this category
00:19:59.000 is Thomas Markle. And our third is Brother Craig of the Craig and Michelle Obama, in my opinion,
00:20:08.660 podcast. The winner is, I mean, I don't even need to open an envelope. It's Stedman. That's the whole
00:20:14.900 point of this raid. Now, Teddy is about to go in and to see if he can find the remains and or
00:20:22.740 any evidence that Oprah and Gail have been there. Here we go. Teddy. Teddy. All right. You can do it
00:20:31.740 without your night vision goggles. Go for it. Where are they? Where are they? You see them. You see this.
00:20:40.080 Look, Velveeta cheese, TGI Fridays. What a designer handbag. We've got
00:20:46.980 a Slurpee, a Pizza Hut order. These two have been ordering grub up. You know, they may be on
00:20:55.540 Ozempic, but Teddy is so, you're not very good in the field, dude. You did better in training. He
00:21:02.520 really doesn't want any part of this. And I can't blame him. I will, however, give you some cheese that
00:21:07.660 those two Ozempic fiends left behind. They're shame eating anyway. Stedman's remains nowhere to 1.00
00:21:14.680 be found, but we do have a lead. This is progress. We have evidence that Oprah and Gail have been here.
00:21:20.960 So we're on to them. We're getting closer and closer by the day. Next up, we have, what is our
00:21:30.560 next award? Well, we've got to let Teddy go and change back into his black tie. So let's let's let's
00:21:40.300 let him exit this crime scene with his dignity. Bye, Ted. Thank you for your service. Well, we tried.
00:21:49.060 Nobody has a thing to be ashamed of. And the Apache helicopter is going to take off for safe return
00:21:57.480 back to its base. Oprah and Gail, this isn't the last you're going to hear from the nerve. Okay.
00:22:04.980 Now, moving on, we have black tie Teddy returning to help present our next nerve award of 2025. Come on
00:22:15.840 back in, Ted. Seems you're a little bit worse for wear. You've been through a lot, but you're doing
00:22:20.580 beautifully. By the way, did you guys notice Teddy has actual tails on this thing? It's amazing.
00:22:25.780 Okay, I won't I won't put the hat back on. Don't worry. Now, our next award is dastardly duo of the
00:22:32.820 year. Again, the competition for this one is fierce. Our nominees are Oprah, Oprah, and Gail. Blake
00:22:42.960 Lively and Ryan Reynolds. Blake Lively and Taylor Swift. Kristen's and Dax Shepard. Jennifer Aniston
00:22:50.920 and her hypnotist boyfriend, Jim Curtis. Teddy can't stand any of these people. Lauren Sanchez
00:22:56.780 and Jeff Bezos. Bill Belichick and Jordan Hudson. And last but not least, Megan and Harry. And the
00:23:06.040 award for dastardly duo of the year goes to...
00:23:09.960 I mean, it was a landslide. Oprah and Gail. Where's Stedman? Where's Stedman? Where's Stedman?
00:23:21.160 Stedman, if you are alive for the millionth time, my man, please get in touch. Okay, moving on.
00:23:28.340 Most unlistenable podcast of 2025. We have only three nominees. This is a lean and mean category.
00:23:36.540 Our first nominee with her second iteration of a podcast, that ray of sunshine known as Michelle 0.66
00:23:44.800 Obama. Big way.
00:23:46.920 Why did your chewing annoy me so much? Let's discuss.
00:23:50.920 Jamie Kern-Lima.
00:23:53.900 Hi, and welcome to the Jamie Kern-Lima show. And if we're just meeting for the first time,
00:23:58.940 hi, I'm Jamie.
00:24:00.960 And Chelsea Clinton. 0.99
00:24:02.780 Is it just me? Or are things really weird right now in the world of public health?
00:24:08.880 I'm sorry, I forgot nominee number four. Of course, who else? Also her second iteration of
00:24:15.600 a podcast, Megan Markle.
00:24:19.240 I'm Megan, and this is Confessions of a Female Founder.
00:24:22.740 And our winner of the 2025 Nerve Award for the most unlistenable podcast of the year. Purely for
00:24:34.500 tenor and tone, content aside, inane though it may be, it is one Jamie Kern-Lima. Congratulations,
00:24:44.100 mindless bitch. You just won a Nerve Award. Okay, now on to the award for befouling the lexicon. 1.00
00:24:50.720 I have got to put Teddy down. He is dying over here. It's okay, Teddy. Run free.
00:24:56.520 The award has three nominees. I'm pretty sure. I'll check my notes, but I'm pretty sure. Yes,
00:25:03.860 three nominees. First up, the Cocaine Clause. Now, the Cocaine Clause was introduced to the lexicon
00:25:11.140 as it was announced that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban were getting a divorce.
00:25:16.280 And according to their prenuptial, various reports hold that this clause stipulated that Keith Urban
00:25:23.020 would receive between $600,000 and $900,000 for every year of the marriage in which he remained
00:25:29.560 completely sober from drugs and alcohol. And if he was passing his blood and his urine tests,
00:25:36.080 Keith is in a receipt of, it looks like, $11 million conservatively.
00:25:40.180 Okay. Word number two, befouling the lexicon. Felching. This word was introduced to us
00:25:47.000 in the unfolding, unending Olivia Nuzzi, RFK Jr. scandal. Olivia's ex-fiance, Ryan Lizza,
00:25:58.140 has been penning multiple accounts of their relationship. And he basically outed RFK Jr.
00:26:06.020 and Olivia Nuzzi as enthusiasts of, if not actual practitioners of, felching. According to AI
00:26:15.340 slash Urban Dictionary, felching is a sexual practice. If you have children around,
00:26:21.720 get them out of the room immediately. Involving the oral suction or licking of semen from a 0.99
00:26:26.960 partner's anus, ask Bill Maher all about it, often after anal intercourse. I'm not saying, 0.95
00:26:32.780 Bill, I'm not, calm down. And felching carries significant risks for transmitting sexually
00:26:38.580 transmitted diseases. What else? Who wrote this? Now, it can be an act of intimacy or a fetish for
00:26:46.120 some. Either way, it is considered an unsafe sex practice. And our final word introduced to the
00:26:53.880 lexicon. This year learns. And that came to us via one Meghan Markle in interminable interview after
00:27:03.660 interminable interview in which she talked about what a brilliant entrepreneur slash female founder 1.00
00:27:09.820 she is. Learns, by the way, is not even a word. And we are building a mini word shed wing as we speak.
00:27:18.320 The winner for befouling the lexicon is, I mean, this is such a tough category. It's got to be.
00:27:30.480 Well, I'm going to give it to the cocaine clause. I think it's inventive. I think it is revolutionary.
00:27:37.060 And I love the alliteration. Okay, next up. The Kennedy Widows Award. And again, the competition
00:27:45.860 is fierce. These are women who have had some dealings with the Kennedy family, whether affairs
00:27:54.080 or marriages, what have you. And the competition is who was the closest to the most famous male
00:28:06.140 Kennedy going. Our first nominee from the JFK Jr. three-part quote-unquote documentary series,
00:28:14.160 former real housewife of New York City, Carol Radziwill.
00:28:19.120 John was like resigning to the fact that Anthony was likely not going to make it
00:28:23.740 back to the city at the end of the summer.
00:28:28.120 And then John broke his foot. That was just a disaster.
00:28:33.560 For nearly breaking into tears over John Jr. breaking his foot in yet another wholly preventable
00:28:39.980 accident he caused while some guy she married was dying of cancer. That is the work of one
00:28:45.780 Carol Radziwill. Next up, Olivia Nuzzi, as discussed, who has been peddling her memoir that
00:28:52.880 nobody wants to buy. It sold like a thousand copies in its first week out. That is bad. Okay,
00:28:57.100 that is a bomb, bomb, bomb. She has been cosplaying as Carolyn Bessette Kennedy. And once you see it,
00:29:04.040 you cannot unsee it. And our third nominee, Cheryl Hines, who has been asked very dainty questions
00:29:12.660 about her husband's sordid behavior, allegedly. And this is her response.
00:29:18.460 When you see rumors or speculation about your marriage, how do you keep your cool and decide
00:29:21.840 what's worth responding to versus what's just noise?
00:29:24.100 And the winner in this very difficult category for ultimate Kennedy widow of the year. Not that
00:29:39.860 Cheryl's like a technical widow, nor is Olivia, but you know what I'm saying. It's metaphorical. 0.99
00:29:44.000 Our winner is Carol Radziwill for pretending to be a bastion of journalistic integrity
00:29:51.520 while weeping all over the CNN airwaves about a guy she barely knew, in my opinion,
00:29:57.380 while her real husband was actually dying of cancer. That is class, class, class.
00:30:03.820 We move on. We move on to our Dwarf Minds Award of 2025. And we begin. The thread continues.
00:30:14.200 Would-be Kennedy scion, Jack Schlossberg.
00:30:17.580 Our next nominee is Lori Loughlin, who, according to page six in the run-up to her divorce from her
00:30:32.000 longtime husband, Massimo Giannulli, went to the strip club that her husband frequented all the time
00:30:39.340 to interrogate the strippers as to what her husband was doing there. 0.99
00:30:46.280 Our third nominee, George Clooney. George Clooney, who loves to pretend to be a journalist,
00:30:53.080 loves nothing more. And he did an interview with CBS Mornings. Or was this 60 Minutes? I don't remember.
00:31:00.240 But anyway, George was talking about all the substantial work he tried to do. He's not just a
00:31:05.800 pretty face, but he's trying to bring peace to war-torn nations. It doesn't always work out.
00:31:12.740 Here's George Clooney.
00:31:15.140 I worked on trying to help solve some of the problems in Darfur in the early 2000s.
00:31:21.060 Failed. You failed more often than you succeeded.
00:31:23.420 And the award for Dwarf Mind of the Year goes to Jack Schlossberg, who's currently running for
00:31:33.660 Congress out of, like, the 12th District of New York.
00:31:36.280 Now, as we continue, this is a thread. This is an emerging thread. The nerve loves to pull it.
00:31:45.840 Threads. Our next category, Nepo Spawn of the Year. And trust me, they are all failures.
00:31:52.900 We begin. Apple, Martin, daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow. And Colt plays Chris Martin as she attempts to
00:32:00.580 launch a singing career.
00:32:10.300 Okay, that's enough. That truly, it sounds like an animal dying alone in the wild.
00:32:20.720 Our next nominee, Violet Affleck, who appeared at the UN, masked up to demand that the rest of us 0.89
00:32:29.380 mask up forever. And finally, Jack Schlossberg, in his role as Vogue's political correspondent during
00:32:38.280 the election of 2024, asking Doug Emhoff this deep, original, and incisive question.
00:32:45.260 Hi, I'm Jack. I'm here with two amazing gentlemen. The second gentleman, Doug, and the original
00:32:52.720 gentleman, Dave. And I invented a game and I wanted to see if they would play with me.
00:32:57.500 It's called condiment or sauce. Okay. Catch up.
00:33:00.240 Condiment. Food group.
00:33:02.040 Good. Great point. Sauce.
00:33:03.900 Ranch dressing.
00:33:04.660 That's enough. That's enough.
00:33:06.000 We got the point.
00:33:07.340 The winner of Nepo Spawn of the Year. And again, this is a tight, tight category.
00:33:12.200 The winner is Violet Affleck. Violet wins for originality and inventiveness. 0.76
00:33:20.820 It's certainly easy for the daughter of a pop singer to decide she's going to become a singer,
00:33:26.780 just as it's easy for the scion of a political family disgraced, though it may be,
00:33:31.280 to try to inject himself into presidential politics. But, but, but, for a celebrity Spawn
00:33:37.340 to decide that their mission in life is going to be showing what I believe is a mental illness
00:33:46.860 to the world entire and using the borrowed fame of her parents to go to the UN behind a mask
00:33:53.760 and demand, without a shred of humility or self-awareness, that the entire planet mask up
00:33:59.380 because it would make her inner child feel better. Violet Affleck. And you know what?
00:34:04.400 You're going to be the first winner who we're going to actually present with a solid, solid
00:34:11.580 nerve award. Okay? This is the real deal. If you would like to collect it, let us know your
00:34:18.460 best mailing address. Moving on. The hottest heterosexual couple who definitely has lots of
00:34:26.200 enthusiastic hot heterosexual sex. Barry Diller and Diane Faust von Furstenberg. And here is Barry
00:34:32.980 on his CBS interview earlier this year. It seems to me like one of the points you're trying to make
00:34:38.600 in the book is that it doesn't have to be a mutually exclusive thing, that you can be in love with
00:34:43.960 Diane and at the same time be attracted to men. Yes, I don't see anything mutually exclusive about that.
00:34:51.060 Now, I mean, other people may, but I don't. As the nerve said in one of our very earliest episodes,
00:34:59.200 that is actually the very definition of mutually exclusive. He likes having gay sex with other men 0.99
00:35:05.060 and he happens to be married to a woman. Okay? Those two things are mutually exclusive.
00:35:10.320 Our next couple, Uma Abedin, who probably is still the body woman, body woman to one Hillary Clinton 0.98
00:35:18.600 and Alex Soros, son of Democratic mega donor, George Soros. Let's look at them on their wedding day
00:35:26.900 as discussed when we covered this marriage originally on the nerve. If these photos do not say
00:35:33.280 hot crackling sexual tension, I don't know what does. And our third couple, Senator Corey
00:35:40.260 Booker, who surely is not running, looking at 2028 for a presidential run and his new bride,
00:35:46.580 Alexis Lewis, who look maniacally happy, not at all unnaturally so. And they're not trying to sell
00:35:54.260 this to the rest of us or themselves as a totally organic, beautiful, mutually attracted relationship
00:36:02.660 whatsoever. So to the winner of the hottest heterosexual couple of 2025, the winner is
00:36:12.660 Barry Diller and Diane von Furstenberg, because at least Barry said it. Okay. He's aligning the real
00:36:19.820 truth, but at least he said it. Now on to an award that truly deserves to be given.
00:36:28.500 Again, the abortion is my favorite pastime award. And again, the competition is fierce. We have
00:36:38.320 Cynthia Nixon, who was photographed and posted herself on Instagram, wearing a hat that said, 0.73
00:36:45.820 make abortion great again. And word was that when, and just like that was on the bubble for being
00:36:54.860 renewed, for being renewed, excuse me, HBO execs saw that and they were like, we're done here.
00:37:02.240 Lily Allen, the British pop star who sang about her abortions. And then on her podcast said that she
00:37:11.240 had so many, she lost count and wasn't it all great. Abortions. I've had a few, but then again,
00:37:21.360 I can't remember exactly how many. Really? Yeah. Why didn't this come up in last week's episode?
00:37:27.360 We were just talking about abortions. Because I was just letting you, you run with it. Reveal 0.98
00:37:31.820 everything. I can't remember. That's enough of that. That's enough of that. I could seriously,
00:37:36.340 I could, it's disgusting. It's so disgusting. Our third and final nominee, abortion is my favorite 1.00
00:37:42.940 pastime, Chelsea Handler. Got pregnant a couple of times when I was a teenager and got abortions.
00:37:48.940 Thank God. My parents had the sense to make sure that that happened. And thank God. Okay. That's
00:37:54.140 enough of that. That's enough of that. And we, and by the way, Chelsea is a nominee because it's not 1.00
00:37:58.940 just what she's saying. It's the way in which she's saying it. Yeah. I got pregnant a couple of times
00:38:02.760 and I got abortions. You know, I'm going to bet it was more than two, but anyway, we have got to crown
00:38:07.980 our winner. The abortion enthusiast of 2025 is Lily Allen. And Lily wins this award, not just for her
00:38:18.160 utter heartlessness and complete, just disregard of exactly what she's done, but for celebrating it
00:38:25.320 like it's something to be proud of. And you know what? Take your new album about getting your heart
00:38:30.680 broken by your sleazy husband and shove it up your ass. Okay. Now the award for the most creative
00:38:37.820 blaming of whitey, you know, there's no competition. There's no competition. I think you and I know who 0.92
00:38:44.880 this winner is, but we should revel for a moment in one of her most egregious talks of 2025. Here we go.
00:38:53.040 And let me explain something to white people. Our hair comes out of our head naturally in a curly 0.89
00:39:00.800 pattern. So when we're straightening it to follow your beauty standards, we are trapped by the
00:39:07.500 straightness. That's why so many of us can't swim. Michelle Obama, for your efforts this year,
00:39:15.780 you win the tiniest blow dryer of the year. Use it and blame white women all day long. Now 1.00
00:39:25.620 one of our most, most anticipated categories, the repeat offender quote of the year award. Number one,
00:39:37.340 Gayle King. Here we go. Have y'all been to space? Have you been to space?
00:39:42.100 Yes. Nominee number two, Meghan Markle. Jack in the box because my mom loved their tacos.
00:39:51.160 Uh, I don't think anyone in the world knows that Meghan Markle has eaten Jack in the box.
00:39:56.620 It's so funny too that you keep saying Meghan Markle. You know, I'm Sussex now.
00:40:01.880 Nominee number three, Meghan Markle. When you anchor into your own knowing.
00:40:08.440 Nominee number four, Whoopi Goldberg. Yeah. I think it's very different to live in the United
00:40:15.520 States in 2025 than it is to live in Iran. Not if you're black. Not for everybody. Not if you're 1.00
00:40:19.960 black. Guys. And the winner, the award for most. Oh, sorry. That was creative blaming of Whitey. 0.99
00:40:28.580 That was only one nominee. Quote of the year. Nerve quote of the year. The winner is Gayle King.
00:40:38.380 Gayle King wins not only for inspiring, uh, your faithful troublemaker in chief to join one Meghan
00:40:45.260 Kelly on our own space flight, but it's about to get Gayle fired and liberate America from her presence 1.00
00:40:52.920 on the morning airwaves of CBS. We will be back with three of the biggest awards of the year after this.
00:41:02.840 Are you searching for that thoughtful holiday gift? Cove Pure water purifier is it. I have one of these
00:41:11.340 and I love it. Cove Pure lets you select hot, cold, or warm water instantly. No more waiting for the
00:41:18.680 kettle. Hydration is key as we know, but we don't always meet our body's daily needs. Cove Pure sizing,
00:41:26.120 however, makes it, their sizing presets make it effortless to do so. Just hit the 16 ounce button
00:41:32.480 a few times a day and stay on track. Plus the water tastes pristine. It's pure with no aftertaste.
00:41:41.040 And most importantly, Cove Pure is lab certified to remove up to 99.9% of contaminants like PFAs,
00:41:49.760 pharmaceuticals, fluoride, lead, and arsenic. So if you're looking for a gift that's good for your
00:41:55.680 loved ones and that they'll actually use, don't think twice. It's Cove Pure. And because the nerve has
00:42:02.300 partnered with Cove Pure, they're giving our troublemakers a special $250 holiday discount
00:42:10.800 with link covepure.com slash nerve, that's C-O-V-E-P-U-R-E.com slash nerve to get $250 off
00:42:23.780 covepure.com slash nerve. Hurry before the sale ends.
00:42:33.280 And now for our biggest, most important and consequential nerve awards of the year, our sympathy
00:42:43.820 award, our consolation prize, which fittingly did not arrive in time. And so we're going to show
00:42:53.760 you what it looks like, but trust when I say the physical award is well on its way. It is the rock
00:43:02.000 on award and we are giving it to brother Craig, brother Craig for your service. We all see you in
00:43:11.380 pain on that podcast. We see the fear in your eyes. Every time Michelle Obama has something to say
00:43:19.260 or contradicts you contradicting her or casts a dirty side eye your way. We see your suffering,
00:43:27.500 brother Craig. And, um, you know, the rock on award, it's kind of got a double meaning, you know,
00:43:32.980 because it's like, you could also just sink like a stone. I don't know why brother Craig hasn't gotten
00:43:37.500 himself off that podcast. I wonder if the contractual obligations are just that strict next up our photo
00:43:47.520 of the year. And I said to team nerve that no matter what, I don't care what kind of war torn image you've
00:43:55.000 got. This is the photo of the year. And a troublemaker gave us this appellation, this play
00:44:02.860 on Shakespeare's King Lear. This photo is King Lear, L E E R, as in Prince Harry, that drunken,
00:44:13.620 just my opinion, oaf, leering at Kris Jenner's rack at her 70th birthday party while Meghan Markle
00:44:22.480 smiled maniacally like the idiot she is. She'll overlook anything. We're a duchess now. Okay.
00:44:29.020 Cultural offender of the year, cultural offender of the year. And when I saw this trophy, I said to
00:44:38.540 Marlena, I don't care what it costs because it is perfect. It is for our, our offender who began
00:44:45.000 2025 with a jaunty Instagram post, a real rather in black and white of her all in white running towards
00:44:54.320 the shore in Montecito and scrolling 2025 and underscoring it with a flourish, a calligraphic,
00:45:03.340 is that a word? Calligraphic, whatever, a kind of calligraphy flourish in the sand.
00:45:08.340 Meghan Markle, who ended the year by finally getting a letter to her father who had a leg
00:45:13.000 amputated in the Philippines, basically saying in sum and substance, fuck off. We're not reconciling.
00:45:18.380 And I'm off with my husband to a luxurious new year's vacation, reportedly, allegedly cultural 0.95
00:45:26.240 offender of the year goes to one Meghan Markle. And we love this trophy because it looks demonic. 0.74
00:45:36.520 It looks like an ancient ruin. One might visit and say to oneself, those people worshiped the devil,
00:45:46.180 the goat trophy, the greatest of all time. Meghan, you know, you had many, many, many,
00:45:54.180 many failures this year, but consider yourself a winner here at The Nerve. And this thing is going
00:46:01.280 into the archives and it will come out every single major event we cover. Okay. Now our final award,
00:46:08.940 the Teddy Award, and I must show it. It is the Teddy Award. And we will show a full screen of this
00:46:16.080 because he looks so dapper in his black tie. The Teddy Award goes to Teddy, who served so many roles
00:46:25.880 and put himself in mortal danger in the attempt to find Stedman Graham. Teddy, you are the hero of
00:46:35.640 the nerve this year. Yes, you really are. You get the Teddy Award. Now, before we end our inaugural
00:46:47.260 ceremony, and I can't think of a better way to, you know, we've got new nerves coming. Don't worry,
00:46:55.440 we've got some new nerves next week for you. But to close out this ceremony and what has been
00:47:01.660 a year that has exceeded our wildest hopes and expectations at the nerve, you know, the nerve
00:47:08.140 is nothing without the troublemakers and without all of your contributions. Behind me here is artwork
00:47:14.560 by none other than Paul from New Zealand. And I'm going to read a poem that was written by a nerve super
00:47:22.860 fan named William. William, you know who you are. And William has contributed more than anyone knows
00:47:32.080 to the nerve already. And he came to visit nerve central a few months ago. And with him, he brought
00:47:39.040 a poem that he had written. And he calls it, it's the night before Christmas, but it's nerve style. And so
00:47:47.840 I would like to read it to you now. I will read this to you in character as none other than Mrs.
00:47:55.300 Cocaine Clause. And here is the beautiful, beautiful, look at the effort that William put into this. You
00:48:01.940 know, we're going to show it on socials, and we'll full screen it. It's just incredible. So here we begin
00:48:09.460 troublemakers gather round. Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the nerve house, not a 0.61
00:48:16.560 troublemaker was stirring, not even a mouse. The wood chipper was snug and tucked in its bed,
00:48:23.520 with visions of chipping fakers dancing in its head. When what to my wondering eyes should suddenly
00:48:29.820 appear, but a miniature woodshed and eight tiny nerve deer. At the helm of the shed, there was such a great
00:48:37.940 sight. This troublemaker saw who he calls St. Maureen, happily shouting into the night. Now Oprah,
00:48:46.340 and Gail, please go tie her shoes. Oh, Duchess Megan, with your runny jam and flowers you fake, 1.00
00:48:53.520 don't you know by now no one wants your as ever cake? To Blake, who cried a big sorry fat foul. Let's
00:49:01.100 go Tracy Ross. It's time for your final skin shedding bow. These are but a few who have fallen so low,
00:49:08.420 these beasts of our culture off to the wood shipper you go. And on top of our roof, I heard the prancing
00:49:16.720 and steps of nerve pause. And suddenly St. Maureen was down the chimney leaving me in awe. Oh, that's so
00:49:23.620 nice. She stood there in front of me. William wrote this. Okay, I did not secretly write this.
00:49:29.220 And it was such a beautiful sight. Her blonde hair was blazing on this starlit Christmas night, and
00:49:35.220 there to her side was Megan, Hope, and one link. Mark said hello with a total big wink. Behind them
00:49:42.960 stood tall was Tim with his magic makeup hands. I knew for certain I was surrounded by those who were
00:49:50.160 the prettiest in the land. William, you're so sweet. St. Maureen shared some truths that I still carry
00:49:57.400 with. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Otherwise, you'll end up in the wood shipper one
00:50:03.300 day without further word. And a twinkle of her nose. Suddenly up the chimney, St. Maureen and all the
00:50:11.180 in tow rose. She sprang into action as the wood shipper gained traction on this Christmas Eve night. 0.99
00:50:17.540 It was to see some big action. But then as she came, they all left in a quick dash,
00:50:23.060 exclaiming to all as she drove out of sight, happy holidays, troublemakers, and to all a good night.
00:50:33.940 And that does it for our inaugural nerve awards. We had the most fun putting this together for you,
00:50:42.820 and we hope you had as much fun watching it. Come back and see us tomorrow for the mini nerve.
00:50:50.600 It's one of your favorite subjects, and you haven't seen it in a while, and you haven't seen this friend
00:50:56.460 of the nerve in a while, and we love it, and we think you will too. That drops on YouTube at 10 a.m.
00:51:03.360 Eastern. And the nerve, the nervy traveler. We went on the road, and we've got those adventures coming
00:51:12.320 to you during the holidays. And for now, here is a sneak peek. Welcome to the nerve's very first
00:51:19.400 travel edition. Oh, wow. What a magical place this is. It really is. We're headed to the island of the
00:51:38.120 It does. It does feel a little much. The pyramids of Mexico. I'm taking my inspo from none other
00:51:54.760 than Tracy Ellis. There's no place in the world you can't dry brush, right?
00:52:08.120 We got the beat. We got the beat. We got the beat. Suck it, Tracy Ellis Ross. Try to do that 1.00
00:52:20.020 with a real go-go. We cannot wait to show you what we got up to in Mexico City. And if you haven't
00:52:29.080 already, check out our sub stack at thenervshow.com. Be sure to subscribe. It's super easy,
00:52:36.800 and it's tons of fun. Plus, Nerve merch. Grab something for yourself or pick up something for
00:52:42.480 a fellow troublemaker. We've got holiday editions at thenervshopthenerve.com. It's shopthenerve.com.
00:52:50.280 Also, The Nerve is now available on Megan's podcast playlist every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday
00:52:57.520 at 9 a.m. Eastern on Sirius XM channel 111, the Megan Kelly channel. We will see you tomorrow
00:53:05.860 for the mini. And then again, next week, right here at The Nerve, where you will never guess
00:53:12.520 what we're about to say next.