Meghan Markle, Ryan Reynolds, Oprah and Others Compete with Fellow Offenders at The Nerve Awards!
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
136.89899
Summary
The NERV Awards are finally here! Join hosts Maureen Callahan ( ) and Teddy Van Halen ( ) as they hand out this year's honorees in categories like "Arsonist, Career or Otherwise" and "Homicidal Celebrity Criminals of the Year."
Transcript
00:00:00.000
Hello, and welcome to the 2025 Inaugural NERV Awards.
00:00:16.100
And now is the long-awaited time to give proper recognition to all those recidivists who really
00:00:24.420
In fact, we've actually furloughed some of our top repeat offenders to join us here
00:00:33.540
We've got Bill Maher, who really, really made it clear how much he hates red lingerie.
00:00:39.600
We've got Violet Affleck from her masked-up appearance at the UN.
00:00:49.460
We've also got Meghan Markle's Psycho Vision Board, which allegedly existed long before
00:01:02.280
It's our homeland board of his last known whereabouts and our prime suspects in his disappearance.
00:01:08.700
And we have an update here, because this has gone from a search and rescue mission to a
00:01:18.280
And we're going to go live with what we understand is a secret mission that may or may not involve
00:01:29.500
the United States military to recover Stedman's remains.
00:01:34.420
Now, of course, it would not be the Nerve Awards without other categories that no other awards
00:01:41.020
show would ever dream of conceiving, let alone doling out.
00:01:54.980
Do you second guess the nutrition, taste, and sustainability of the seafood that you bring
00:02:02.920
Their seafood is 100% wild-caught, never farmed, which means no antibiotics, GMOs, or additives,
00:02:11.500
just clean, nutrient-rich fish that supports healthy oceans and fishing communities.
00:02:18.260
Wild Alaskan Company delivers perfectly portioned, wild-caught seafood straight to your door.
00:02:31.560
That locks in flavor, texture, and nutrients like omega-3s, which are so good for you.
00:02:37.320
Every order supports sustainable harvesting practices, and their flexible membership includes
00:02:45.900
My personal favorite is the Wild Sockeye Salmon.
00:02:49.660
It's rich, it's buttery, and it's incredibly fresh.
00:02:53.260
The best part, you can try it risk-free, and if you are not completely satisfied with your
00:02:59.080
first box, Wild Alaskan Company offers a 100% money-back guarantee, no questions asked,
00:03:07.400
just high-quality seafood that you can feel good about.
00:03:13.660
Go to wildalaskan.com slash nerve for $35 off your first box of premium wild-caught seafood.
00:03:22.360
That's wildalaskan.com slash nerve for $35 off your first order.
00:03:29.480
And thanks to Wild Alaskan Company for sponsoring this episode.
00:03:35.500
We begin tonight's awards with the category called Arsonist, Career, or Otherwise.
00:03:45.040
Our nominees are Jon Hamm for Setting Fire to a Frat Pledge back when he was in college and
00:03:53.260
Ryan Reynolds for burning down his elementary school in Canada and getting away with it.
00:03:59.620
Meghan Markle for torching what was left of her reputation this year.
00:04:04.300
And Jeremy Irons for this contribution to the culture.
00:04:21.500
Incest is there to protect us from having inbreeding.
00:04:32.100
Now, if that was so, then if I wanted to pass on my estate without death duties, I could marry
00:04:49.020
Again, he did not just defend incest between fathers and sons, but he mentioned that there
00:05:11.680
Ryan Reynolds, who actually burned an entire elementary school down to the ground and got
00:05:23.600
Now, our next category, homicidal celebrity maniac of the year.
00:05:29.380
And trust me when I tell you, this one is packed.
00:05:32.940
Our nominees are Elizabeth Gilbert, the self-help author who wrote about her plans to murder
00:05:41.460
her dying girlfriend in her sleep by switching out her chemo pills and then smothering her
00:05:49.780
Priscilla Presley, who has been accused in a lawsuit by two former business partners of
00:05:54.920
prematurely pulling the plug on her daughter, Lisa Marie, who had left as her stated wishes
00:06:00.360
that she wanted every extraordinary measure taken to preserve her life.
00:06:04.800
And upon unplugging, Lisa Marie's vent, allegedly reportedly said,
00:06:13.520
Gary slash Jerry of The Golden Bachelor, whose first wife died of a mysterious illness and
00:06:21.620
Alec Baldwin, who got into a car crash in East Hampton a few months back on the heels of barely
00:06:32.420
getting away with the shooting death of Rust cinematographer Helena Hutchins.
00:06:38.580
Matthew Broderick, who we revisited for having killed a mother and daughter in a head-on
00:06:44.820
collision in Ireland and then buying a house just miles from where it occurred.
00:06:50.000
Oprah and Gail, currently the prime suspects in the disappearance of one Stedman Graham.
00:06:55.420
And JFK Jr., who we took to our wood chipper at the end of CNN's three-part documentary proving
00:07:03.960
our case that he absolutely was engaged, whether he was dialed in or not, on a murder-suicide
00:07:10.320
mission the night he killed himself, his wife, and her sister.
00:07:13.380
And the winner of Homicidal Maniac of the Year goes to, we think it's the beginning of
00:07:23.500
a sweep, we do, it is Oprah and Gail, who as of now have gotten away, we think, with murder.
00:07:33.040
Now, again, as I stated, we are getting incoming word that a secret live military op is going to
00:07:46.520
begin imminently, and we will cut to it as soon as we can. We have a hot tip on the whereabouts
00:07:53.220
Stedman Graham, or what's left of him. Now, on to our third category, nerve clapbacks. We are very
00:08:02.960
proud here at the nerve to say that we've only been around for eight months, but we're certainly
00:08:07.660
striking some people where it hurts. We begin after our mini, which you guys loved, on Tracy Ellis
00:08:15.260
Ross's solo travel show, in which she proudly dry brushed every single limb in first class. Tracy
00:08:27.400
clapped back. Our second nominee, Sarah Jessica Parker, who we said, was never reading on a subway.
00:08:38.200
Not reading on a subway. No New Yorker is going to read on a subway train. And within like a month,
00:08:45.040
we got this. The New Yorker inaugurated what it called its mini interview series in the fall,
00:08:54.460
as far as we can tell. It's clear. They're ripping off the nerve. It's cool. And then there were no
00:09:00.760
shortage of New York Times headlines, we believe, inspired by the nerve. And we'll show you a few.
00:09:06.260
Trump's wrecking ball strikes a nerve. The troublemaker behind Netflix's biggest gamble. At Hammer Museum,
00:09:15.740
a Hammer lacks nerve. And Jack Schlossberg's seemingly since aborted series that he seems to have also
00:09:26.020
scrubbed from his Instagram account, Ask Not with Jack Schlossberg. And the winner for nerve clapbacks is
00:09:36.820
Tracy Ellis Ross. Tracy, you won something. Okay, you won something. And you know what,
00:09:47.620
Tracy, the nerve has two special episodes upcoming inspired by you. And you know what,
00:09:56.160
it's a travel show. And it's a travel show done right. And we took a little we took a few cues from
00:10:02.640
you. You know, my travel buddy and I, we, we brought some dry brushes to a wholly inappropriate
00:10:08.360
place. So we hope you'll enjoy and watch and give us your feedback. Teddy just flung his hat off. He's
00:10:15.880
already over it. He's already over the bullshit. Joining us now to present the award for best worst
00:10:23.560
actress in a hate watch, the one and only Tim, the celebrity makeup artist. It's Tim McKay. Welcome,
00:10:30.720
Tim. Hi, Maureen. Hello. Mwah. Mwah. You look beautiful. Well, thank you, Tim. Thank you. I need a powder.
00:10:38.460
I'm a little shiny. Sorry. The excitement has already, you know, taken its toll. You look amazing. Oh, you
00:10:44.280
are the, you are the best. Now, Tim. Tim's the real deal, by the way. He's not, you know, one of these,
00:10:50.400
like, you know, people are always just like, oh, you're so great. You're so great. You're so great.
00:10:54.820
He will, he will always correct you if you need it. Okay, now, best worst actress in a hate watch. This was a
00:11:00.700
very, very tough category, Tim. Now, you and I went through these hate watches together and we
00:11:08.200
talked to the troublemaker community about them. Would you like to, why don't I, why don't you read
00:11:15.060
the nominees? Okay. And then I'll share the winner with you and we can react together because we don't
00:11:20.160
know who it is. Okay. Very exciting. Well, the nominees for best worst actress are Sarah Jessica
00:11:27.080
Parker, Jennifer Aniston, and Claire Danes. This is tough. Now, we had Sarah Jessica Parker, our favorite
00:11:37.800
sprightly 900-year-old heroine. I've never experienced a man seeing me as smart first. Sexy, yes. Cute, yes.
00:11:48.100
Humble, no. And we believe her terrible, her terrible acting definitely contributed to the early death of
00:11:55.340
and just like that, even though they claim it was an artistic decision. We all know the truth.
00:11:59.420
Jennifer Aniston. Tim, you, perhaps more than any guest this year, really identified Jennifer
00:12:07.420
Aniston's tics. Oh, oh. This is like her main one. She loves to do a hand to the head. Oh. Okay,
00:12:15.460
what are we not thinking of, Chip? Come on. Who are we not thinking of? Who could help? Come on.
00:12:20.540
There's got to be somebody we can call. Okay, look. She's just the best with her.
00:12:25.300
Can you do her stammer, please? I, I, I, I, I, no. I mean, I feel like I could be up there
00:12:33.740
with best worst actress, too. Well, yeah, exactly. That's exactly the point. And our third is Claire
00:12:41.700
Danes, whose cry face has reached critical mass. America is a weary nation. We would like her to
00:12:51.060
dial it back just a little, right? It's like every, every feature on the face at once, kind of.
00:12:58.460
I think you believe the lie. And I think he resents you for it. And we think it's a flex to
00:13:07.040
be like, hey, look at you, the rest of you bitches. I don't get Botox. I'm that dedicated
00:13:11.600
of an actress. And she is acting. She's putting all of it onto that face. All of it. It is a lot.
00:13:18.140
And the winner in this very crowded category, the first, I can't say first annual, it's the
00:13:25.680
inaugural. Inaugural Best Worst Actress in a Hate Watch goes to Sarah Jessica Parker.
00:13:33.540
Congrats, Sarah. Congrats for killing an entire franchise with your raging ego and your insistence
00:13:39.160
that you're just a sprightly girl of 28. Thank you, Tim, for joining Minerva Awards.
00:13:45.500
We look forward to our Hate Watch in 2026. As discussed, it's Emily in Paris.
00:13:50.520
Thank you so much, Maureen. Thanks for joining, Tim. And now
00:13:54.780
for the Nerves, very special Sex Crimes Against the Culture Award. We know there is only one winner
00:14:03.700
of this category, and he has been befouling all of us from his subterranean club random,
00:14:11.860
where I often say I can't believe any celebrity goes, but females especially, without luminol and
00:14:19.420
a blue light. And in honor of Bill and all he has given to women this year from defending Sean Diddy Combs
00:14:28.340
in an op-ed on Real Time and blaming all the women who got beaten the shit out of, you know,
00:14:35.260
for not leaving right away to telling Drew Barrymore that she was still super fuckable to telling
00:14:42.340
Barbara Eden what OnlyFans is and using the word masturbating in front of this non-Agerian,
00:14:50.060
classy legend. Bill, not only do we have you in the red lingerie that you made very clear on,
00:14:58.820
Club Random, that you will not abide in the bourgeois. None of your female friends are allowed
00:15:05.100
to wear red lingerie because you don't like it. And you know what else? We really gave this some
00:15:09.780
thought because we talked about here at Nerve HQ, but you know, Marlena and I especially,
00:15:16.140
what kind of hanger Bill would allow a female guest to use in his house? And then we realized
00:15:24.940
he doesn't even have anyone around long enough to actually even ask them. And so what Bill would do
00:15:31.540
would hand over one of the cheap dry cleaning wire hangers and tell, especially anyone who dared to
00:15:41.320
cross that threshold wearing anything red, you could hang it on that. Okay. Now we are going to
00:15:48.940
search because I do not think that there is a television studio. Bill Maher has not be fouled
00:15:55.900
coast to coast. We are going to search for evidence that Bill Maher also self-admitted masturbator
00:16:03.040
before any given show, before any given real time episode, he's got to jerk off to get himself in
00:16:09.280
the mood. We are going to search. We've got our luminol and we've got our blue light and we've got
00:16:15.000
our sperm tracker. And here we go and lo and behold. Okay. I know where of I speak. There is evidence
00:16:23.020
that looks like evidence of Bill Maher's, can I say splooge? Would you guys be offended if I said
00:16:30.760
that? That's what that is. Okay. Marlena is telling me I can say it. You know what? It's time for
00:16:36.340
intervention number two, Marlena. Okay. Bill Maher, consider yourself the winner, the winner this
00:16:42.500
year of the ultra special sex crimes against the culture award. And here's to you keeping it going
00:16:56.040
Ever read the label on a typical chip bag? It's a science experiment of seed oils, MSG dyes, and
00:17:06.060
vague natural flavors. Vandy crisps is part of the growing movement to bring back real food. They're
00:17:12.460
made of just three ingredients, 100% pesticide-free potatoes, sea salt, and grass-fed beef tallow. No
00:17:20.440
junk. They taste amazing. And they leave you feeling light, energized, and satisfied. No crash,
00:17:26.420
bloat, or mindless binging. And if you love Vandy, you will love Masa chips, Vandy's sister brand.
00:17:32.840
Their three-ingredient tortilla chips are the best I have ever had. And I consider myself a connoisseur
00:17:38.220
of Mexican food. My go-to flavor is the original, but white, blue, lime, cobonero, churro, they are all
00:17:45.380
delicious. If you are ready to give Vandy or Masa a try, use code Maureen for 25% off your first order
00:17:53.120
at vandycrisps.com or masachips.com, or simply click the link in the video description or scan
00:18:00.360
the QR code to claim this delicious offer. And if you prefer in-person shopping, Vandy and Masa are now
00:18:08.220
available nationwide at your local Sprouts supermarket. So stop by and pick up a couple of bags before they
00:18:19.800
We are back. As discussed, breaking news. There is a special ops mission to recover the remains of one
00:18:27.680
Stedman Graham. This is a segment we are calling Zero Bark 30. We have heard now, we have word, the Apache
00:18:36.820
helicopter is within seconds of landing at this compound at an unnamed location in the Middle East.
00:18:46.040
And it comes, and it comes, and it comes. It's going to hover and attempt to land without detection.
00:18:54.340
Can it do it? Can it do it? This is make or break. We've only got one, one helicopter on this mission.
00:19:02.100
Can we land? Can we do it? Let's get down quietly. Oh, beautiful landing. We're a little bit off the
00:19:09.120
mark, but it's a beautiful landing. Teddy is now donning his night vision goggles. We're going in.
00:19:16.360
We're going in. We believe that Stedman Graham's remains have been left at this compound in a
00:19:21.740
lot of bad. Okay. Now, this is a nerve award category. Celebrity appendage or plus one, most in
00:19:30.560
need of a SEAL Team 6 extraction. And if you recall in Zero Dark 30, there was a dog on that raid by the
00:19:38.420
name of Cairo. In our nerve raid on this compound, our special dog on this mission is one Teddy Van
00:19:45.400
Halen. There's nothing this dog can't do. And he's been devoted to sniffing out wherever Oprah and Gail
00:19:51.460
left Stedman. And so our nominees are, of course, Stedman Graham. Our second nominee in this category
00:19:59.000
is Thomas Markle. And our third is Brother Craig of the Craig and Michelle Obama, in my opinion,
00:20:08.660
podcast. The winner is, I mean, I don't even need to open an envelope. It's Stedman. That's the whole
00:20:14.900
point of this raid. Now, Teddy is about to go in and to see if he can find the remains and or
00:20:22.740
any evidence that Oprah and Gail have been there. Here we go. Teddy. Teddy. All right. You can do it
00:20:31.740
without your night vision goggles. Go for it. Where are they? Where are they? You see them. You see this.
00:20:40.080
Look, Velveeta cheese, TGI Fridays. What a designer handbag. We've got
00:20:46.980
a Slurpee, a Pizza Hut order. These two have been ordering grub up. You know, they may be on
00:20:55.540
Ozempic, but Teddy is so, you're not very good in the field, dude. You did better in training. He
00:21:02.520
really doesn't want any part of this. And I can't blame him. I will, however, give you some cheese that
00:21:07.660
those two Ozempic fiends left behind. They're shame eating anyway. Stedman's remains nowhere to
00:21:14.680
be found, but we do have a lead. This is progress. We have evidence that Oprah and Gail have been here.
00:21:20.960
So we're on to them. We're getting closer and closer by the day. Next up, we have, what is our
00:21:30.560
next award? Well, we've got to let Teddy go and change back into his black tie. So let's let's let's
00:21:40.300
let him exit this crime scene with his dignity. Bye, Ted. Thank you for your service. Well, we tried.
00:21:49.060
Nobody has a thing to be ashamed of. And the Apache helicopter is going to take off for safe return
00:21:57.480
back to its base. Oprah and Gail, this isn't the last you're going to hear from the nerve. Okay.
00:22:04.980
Now, moving on, we have black tie Teddy returning to help present our next nerve award of 2025. Come on
00:22:15.840
back in, Ted. Seems you're a little bit worse for wear. You've been through a lot, but you're doing
00:22:20.580
beautifully. By the way, did you guys notice Teddy has actual tails on this thing? It's amazing.
00:22:25.780
Okay, I won't I won't put the hat back on. Don't worry. Now, our next award is dastardly duo of the
00:22:32.820
year. Again, the competition for this one is fierce. Our nominees are Oprah, Oprah, and Gail. Blake
00:22:42.960
Lively and Ryan Reynolds. Blake Lively and Taylor Swift. Kristen's and Dax Shepard. Jennifer Aniston
00:22:50.920
and her hypnotist boyfriend, Jim Curtis. Teddy can't stand any of these people. Lauren Sanchez
00:22:56.780
and Jeff Bezos. Bill Belichick and Jordan Hudson. And last but not least, Megan and Harry. And the
00:23:09.960
I mean, it was a landslide. Oprah and Gail. Where's Stedman? Where's Stedman? Where's Stedman?
00:23:21.160
Stedman, if you are alive for the millionth time, my man, please get in touch. Okay, moving on.
00:23:28.340
Most unlistenable podcast of 2025. We have only three nominees. This is a lean and mean category.
00:23:36.540
Our first nominee with her second iteration of a podcast, that ray of sunshine known as Michelle
00:23:46.920
Why did your chewing annoy me so much? Let's discuss.
00:23:53.900
Hi, and welcome to the Jamie Kern-Lima show. And if we're just meeting for the first time,
00:24:02.780
Is it just me? Or are things really weird right now in the world of public health?
00:24:08.880
I'm sorry, I forgot nominee number four. Of course, who else? Also her second iteration of
00:24:19.240
I'm Megan, and this is Confessions of a Female Founder.
00:24:22.740
And our winner of the 2025 Nerve Award for the most unlistenable podcast of the year. Purely for
00:24:34.500
tenor and tone, content aside, inane though it may be, it is one Jamie Kern-Lima. Congratulations,
00:24:44.100
mindless bitch. You just won a Nerve Award. Okay, now on to the award for befouling the lexicon.
00:24:50.720
I have got to put Teddy down. He is dying over here. It's okay, Teddy. Run free.
00:24:56.520
The award has three nominees. I'm pretty sure. I'll check my notes, but I'm pretty sure. Yes,
00:25:03.860
three nominees. First up, the Cocaine Clause. Now, the Cocaine Clause was introduced to the lexicon
00:25:11.140
as it was announced that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban were getting a divorce.
00:25:16.280
And according to their prenuptial, various reports hold that this clause stipulated that Keith Urban
00:25:23.020
would receive between $600,000 and $900,000 for every year of the marriage in which he remained
00:25:29.560
completely sober from drugs and alcohol. And if he was passing his blood and his urine tests,
00:25:36.080
Keith is in a receipt of, it looks like, $11 million conservatively.
00:25:40.180
Okay. Word number two, befouling the lexicon. Felching. This word was introduced to us
00:25:47.000
in the unfolding, unending Olivia Nuzzi, RFK Jr. scandal. Olivia's ex-fiance, Ryan Lizza,
00:25:58.140
has been penning multiple accounts of their relationship. And he basically outed RFK Jr.
00:26:06.020
and Olivia Nuzzi as enthusiasts of, if not actual practitioners of, felching. According to AI
00:26:15.340
slash Urban Dictionary, felching is a sexual practice. If you have children around,
00:26:21.720
get them out of the room immediately. Involving the oral suction or licking of semen from a
00:26:26.960
partner's anus, ask Bill Maher all about it, often after anal intercourse. I'm not saying,
00:26:32.780
Bill, I'm not, calm down. And felching carries significant risks for transmitting sexually
00:26:38.580
transmitted diseases. What else? Who wrote this? Now, it can be an act of intimacy or a fetish for
00:26:46.120
some. Either way, it is considered an unsafe sex practice. And our final word introduced to the
00:26:53.880
lexicon. This year learns. And that came to us via one Meghan Markle in interminable interview after
00:27:03.660
interminable interview in which she talked about what a brilliant entrepreneur slash female founder
00:27:09.820
she is. Learns, by the way, is not even a word. And we are building a mini word shed wing as we speak.
00:27:18.320
The winner for befouling the lexicon is, I mean, this is such a tough category. It's got to be.
00:27:30.480
Well, I'm going to give it to the cocaine clause. I think it's inventive. I think it is revolutionary.
00:27:37.060
And I love the alliteration. Okay, next up. The Kennedy Widows Award. And again, the competition
00:27:45.860
is fierce. These are women who have had some dealings with the Kennedy family, whether affairs
00:27:54.080
or marriages, what have you. And the competition is who was the closest to the most famous male
00:28:06.140
Kennedy going. Our first nominee from the JFK Jr. three-part quote-unquote documentary series,
00:28:14.160
former real housewife of New York City, Carol Radziwill.
00:28:19.120
John was like resigning to the fact that Anthony was likely not going to make it
00:28:28.120
And then John broke his foot. That was just a disaster.
00:28:33.560
For nearly breaking into tears over John Jr. breaking his foot in yet another wholly preventable
00:28:39.980
accident he caused while some guy she married was dying of cancer. That is the work of one
00:28:45.780
Carol Radziwill. Next up, Olivia Nuzzi, as discussed, who has been peddling her memoir that
00:28:52.880
nobody wants to buy. It sold like a thousand copies in its first week out. That is bad. Okay,
00:28:57.100
that is a bomb, bomb, bomb. She has been cosplaying as Carolyn Bessette Kennedy. And once you see it,
00:29:04.040
you cannot unsee it. And our third nominee, Cheryl Hines, who has been asked very dainty questions
00:29:12.660
about her husband's sordid behavior, allegedly. And this is her response.
00:29:18.460
When you see rumors or speculation about your marriage, how do you keep your cool and decide
00:29:21.840
what's worth responding to versus what's just noise?
00:29:24.100
And the winner in this very difficult category for ultimate Kennedy widow of the year. Not that
00:29:39.860
Cheryl's like a technical widow, nor is Olivia, but you know what I'm saying. It's metaphorical.
00:29:44.000
Our winner is Carol Radziwill for pretending to be a bastion of journalistic integrity
00:29:51.520
while weeping all over the CNN airwaves about a guy she barely knew, in my opinion,
00:29:57.380
while her real husband was actually dying of cancer. That is class, class, class.
00:30:03.820
We move on. We move on to our Dwarf Minds Award of 2025. And we begin. The thread continues.
00:30:17.580
Our next nominee is Lori Loughlin, who, according to page six in the run-up to her divorce from her
00:30:32.000
longtime husband, Massimo Giannulli, went to the strip club that her husband frequented all the time
00:30:39.340
to interrogate the strippers as to what her husband was doing there.
00:30:46.280
Our third nominee, George Clooney. George Clooney, who loves to pretend to be a journalist,
00:30:53.080
loves nothing more. And he did an interview with CBS Mornings. Or was this 60 Minutes? I don't remember.
00:31:00.240
But anyway, George was talking about all the substantial work he tried to do. He's not just a
00:31:05.800
pretty face, but he's trying to bring peace to war-torn nations. It doesn't always work out.
00:31:15.140
I worked on trying to help solve some of the problems in Darfur in the early 2000s.
00:31:21.060
Failed. You failed more often than you succeeded.
00:31:23.420
And the award for Dwarf Mind of the Year goes to Jack Schlossberg, who's currently running for
00:31:33.660
Congress out of, like, the 12th District of New York.
00:31:36.280
Now, as we continue, this is a thread. This is an emerging thread. The nerve loves to pull it.
00:31:45.840
Threads. Our next category, Nepo Spawn of the Year. And trust me, they are all failures.
00:31:52.900
We begin. Apple, Martin, daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow. And Colt plays Chris Martin as she attempts to
00:32:10.300
Okay, that's enough. That truly, it sounds like an animal dying alone in the wild.
00:32:20.720
Our next nominee, Violet Affleck, who appeared at the UN, masked up to demand that the rest of us
00:32:29.380
mask up forever. And finally, Jack Schlossberg, in his role as Vogue's political correspondent during
00:32:38.280
the election of 2024, asking Doug Emhoff this deep, original, and incisive question.
00:32:45.260
Hi, I'm Jack. I'm here with two amazing gentlemen. The second gentleman, Doug, and the original
00:32:52.720
gentleman, Dave. And I invented a game and I wanted to see if they would play with me.
00:32:57.500
It's called condiment or sauce. Okay. Catch up.
00:33:07.340
The winner of Nepo Spawn of the Year. And again, this is a tight, tight category.
00:33:12.200
The winner is Violet Affleck. Violet wins for originality and inventiveness.
00:33:20.820
It's certainly easy for the daughter of a pop singer to decide she's going to become a singer,
00:33:26.780
just as it's easy for the scion of a political family disgraced, though it may be,
00:33:31.280
to try to inject himself into presidential politics. But, but, but, for a celebrity Spawn
00:33:37.340
to decide that their mission in life is going to be showing what I believe is a mental illness
00:33:46.860
to the world entire and using the borrowed fame of her parents to go to the UN behind a mask
00:33:53.760
and demand, without a shred of humility or self-awareness, that the entire planet mask up
00:33:59.380
because it would make her inner child feel better. Violet Affleck. And you know what?
00:34:04.400
You're going to be the first winner who we're going to actually present with a solid, solid
00:34:11.580
nerve award. Okay? This is the real deal. If you would like to collect it, let us know your
00:34:18.460
best mailing address. Moving on. The hottest heterosexual couple who definitely has lots of
00:34:26.200
enthusiastic hot heterosexual sex. Barry Diller and Diane Faust von Furstenberg. And here is Barry
00:34:32.980
on his CBS interview earlier this year. It seems to me like one of the points you're trying to make
00:34:38.600
in the book is that it doesn't have to be a mutually exclusive thing, that you can be in love with
00:34:43.960
Diane and at the same time be attracted to men. Yes, I don't see anything mutually exclusive about that.
00:34:51.060
Now, I mean, other people may, but I don't. As the nerve said in one of our very earliest episodes,
00:34:59.200
that is actually the very definition of mutually exclusive. He likes having gay sex with other men
00:35:05.060
and he happens to be married to a woman. Okay? Those two things are mutually exclusive.
00:35:10.320
Our next couple, Uma Abedin, who probably is still the body woman, body woman to one Hillary Clinton
00:35:18.600
and Alex Soros, son of Democratic mega donor, George Soros. Let's look at them on their wedding day
00:35:26.900
as discussed when we covered this marriage originally on the nerve. If these photos do not say
00:35:33.280
hot crackling sexual tension, I don't know what does. And our third couple, Senator Corey
00:35:40.260
Booker, who surely is not running, looking at 2028 for a presidential run and his new bride,
00:35:46.580
Alexis Lewis, who look maniacally happy, not at all unnaturally so. And they're not trying to sell
00:35:54.260
this to the rest of us or themselves as a totally organic, beautiful, mutually attracted relationship
00:36:02.660
whatsoever. So to the winner of the hottest heterosexual couple of 2025, the winner is
00:36:12.660
Barry Diller and Diane von Furstenberg, because at least Barry said it. Okay. He's aligning the real
00:36:19.820
truth, but at least he said it. Now on to an award that truly deserves to be given.
00:36:28.500
Again, the abortion is my favorite pastime award. And again, the competition is fierce. We have
00:36:38.320
Cynthia Nixon, who was photographed and posted herself on Instagram, wearing a hat that said,
00:36:45.820
make abortion great again. And word was that when, and just like that was on the bubble for being
00:36:54.860
renewed, for being renewed, excuse me, HBO execs saw that and they were like, we're done here.
00:37:02.240
Lily Allen, the British pop star who sang about her abortions. And then on her podcast said that she
00:37:11.240
had so many, she lost count and wasn't it all great. Abortions. I've had a few, but then again,
00:37:21.360
I can't remember exactly how many. Really? Yeah. Why didn't this come up in last week's episode?
00:37:27.360
We were just talking about abortions. Because I was just letting you, you run with it. Reveal
00:37:31.820
everything. I can't remember. That's enough of that. That's enough of that. I could seriously,
00:37:36.340
I could, it's disgusting. It's so disgusting. Our third and final nominee, abortion is my favorite
00:37:42.940
pastime, Chelsea Handler. Got pregnant a couple of times when I was a teenager and got abortions.
00:37:48.940
Thank God. My parents had the sense to make sure that that happened. And thank God. Okay. That's
00:37:54.140
enough of that. That's enough of that. And we, and by the way, Chelsea is a nominee because it's not
00:37:58.940
just what she's saying. It's the way in which she's saying it. Yeah. I got pregnant a couple of times
00:38:02.760
and I got abortions. You know, I'm going to bet it was more than two, but anyway, we have got to crown
00:38:07.980
our winner. The abortion enthusiast of 2025 is Lily Allen. And Lily wins this award, not just for her
00:38:18.160
utter heartlessness and complete, just disregard of exactly what she's done, but for celebrating it
00:38:25.320
like it's something to be proud of. And you know what? Take your new album about getting your heart
00:38:30.680
broken by your sleazy husband and shove it up your ass. Okay. Now the award for the most creative
00:38:37.820
blaming of whitey, you know, there's no competition. There's no competition. I think you and I know who
00:38:44.880
this winner is, but we should revel for a moment in one of her most egregious talks of 2025. Here we go.
00:38:53.040
And let me explain something to white people. Our hair comes out of our head naturally in a curly
00:39:00.800
pattern. So when we're straightening it to follow your beauty standards, we are trapped by the
00:39:07.500
straightness. That's why so many of us can't swim. Michelle Obama, for your efforts this year,
00:39:15.780
you win the tiniest blow dryer of the year. Use it and blame white women all day long. Now
00:39:25.620
one of our most, most anticipated categories, the repeat offender quote of the year award. Number one,
00:39:37.340
Gayle King. Here we go. Have y'all been to space? Have you been to space?
00:39:42.100
Yes. Nominee number two, Meghan Markle. Jack in the box because my mom loved their tacos.
00:39:51.160
Uh, I don't think anyone in the world knows that Meghan Markle has eaten Jack in the box.
00:39:56.620
It's so funny too that you keep saying Meghan Markle. You know, I'm Sussex now.
00:40:01.880
Nominee number three, Meghan Markle. When you anchor into your own knowing.
00:40:08.440
Nominee number four, Whoopi Goldberg. Yeah. I think it's very different to live in the United
00:40:15.520
States in 2025 than it is to live in Iran. Not if you're black. Not for everybody. Not if you're
00:40:19.960
black. Guys. And the winner, the award for most. Oh, sorry. That was creative blaming of Whitey.
00:40:28.580
That was only one nominee. Quote of the year. Nerve quote of the year. The winner is Gayle King.
00:40:38.380
Gayle King wins not only for inspiring, uh, your faithful troublemaker in chief to join one Meghan
00:40:45.260
Kelly on our own space flight, but it's about to get Gayle fired and liberate America from her presence
00:40:52.920
on the morning airwaves of CBS. We will be back with three of the biggest awards of the year after this.
00:41:02.840
Are you searching for that thoughtful holiday gift? Cove Pure water purifier is it. I have one of these
00:41:11.340
and I love it. Cove Pure lets you select hot, cold, or warm water instantly. No more waiting for the
00:41:18.680
kettle. Hydration is key as we know, but we don't always meet our body's daily needs. Cove Pure sizing,
00:41:26.120
however, makes it, their sizing presets make it effortless to do so. Just hit the 16 ounce button
00:41:32.480
a few times a day and stay on track. Plus the water tastes pristine. It's pure with no aftertaste.
00:41:41.040
And most importantly, Cove Pure is lab certified to remove up to 99.9% of contaminants like PFAs,
00:41:49.760
pharmaceuticals, fluoride, lead, and arsenic. So if you're looking for a gift that's good for your
00:41:55.680
loved ones and that they'll actually use, don't think twice. It's Cove Pure. And because the nerve has
00:42:02.300
partnered with Cove Pure, they're giving our troublemakers a special $250 holiday discount
00:42:10.800
with link covepure.com slash nerve, that's C-O-V-E-P-U-R-E.com slash nerve to get $250 off
00:42:23.780
covepure.com slash nerve. Hurry before the sale ends.
00:42:33.280
And now for our biggest, most important and consequential nerve awards of the year, our sympathy
00:42:43.820
award, our consolation prize, which fittingly did not arrive in time. And so we're going to show
00:42:53.760
you what it looks like, but trust when I say the physical award is well on its way. It is the rock
00:43:02.000
on award and we are giving it to brother Craig, brother Craig for your service. We all see you in
00:43:11.380
pain on that podcast. We see the fear in your eyes. Every time Michelle Obama has something to say
00:43:19.260
or contradicts you contradicting her or casts a dirty side eye your way. We see your suffering,
00:43:27.500
brother Craig. And, um, you know, the rock on award, it's kind of got a double meaning, you know,
00:43:32.980
because it's like, you could also just sink like a stone. I don't know why brother Craig hasn't gotten
00:43:37.500
himself off that podcast. I wonder if the contractual obligations are just that strict next up our photo
00:43:47.520
of the year. And I said to team nerve that no matter what, I don't care what kind of war torn image you've
00:43:55.000
got. This is the photo of the year. And a troublemaker gave us this appellation, this play
00:44:02.860
on Shakespeare's King Lear. This photo is King Lear, L E E R, as in Prince Harry, that drunken,
00:44:13.620
just my opinion, oaf, leering at Kris Jenner's rack at her 70th birthday party while Meghan Markle
00:44:22.480
smiled maniacally like the idiot she is. She'll overlook anything. We're a duchess now. Okay.
00:44:29.020
Cultural offender of the year, cultural offender of the year. And when I saw this trophy, I said to
00:44:38.540
Marlena, I don't care what it costs because it is perfect. It is for our, our offender who began
00:44:45.000
2025 with a jaunty Instagram post, a real rather in black and white of her all in white running towards
00:44:54.320
the shore in Montecito and scrolling 2025 and underscoring it with a flourish, a calligraphic,
00:45:03.340
is that a word? Calligraphic, whatever, a kind of calligraphy flourish in the sand.
00:45:08.340
Meghan Markle, who ended the year by finally getting a letter to her father who had a leg
00:45:13.000
amputated in the Philippines, basically saying in sum and substance, fuck off. We're not reconciling.
00:45:18.380
And I'm off with my husband to a luxurious new year's vacation, reportedly, allegedly cultural
00:45:26.240
offender of the year goes to one Meghan Markle. And we love this trophy because it looks demonic.
00:45:36.520
It looks like an ancient ruin. One might visit and say to oneself, those people worshiped the devil,
00:45:46.180
the goat trophy, the greatest of all time. Meghan, you know, you had many, many, many,
00:45:54.180
many failures this year, but consider yourself a winner here at The Nerve. And this thing is going
00:46:01.280
into the archives and it will come out every single major event we cover. Okay. Now our final award,
00:46:08.940
the Teddy Award, and I must show it. It is the Teddy Award. And we will show a full screen of this
00:46:16.080
because he looks so dapper in his black tie. The Teddy Award goes to Teddy, who served so many roles
00:46:25.880
and put himself in mortal danger in the attempt to find Stedman Graham. Teddy, you are the hero of
00:46:35.640
the nerve this year. Yes, you really are. You get the Teddy Award. Now, before we end our inaugural
00:46:47.260
ceremony, and I can't think of a better way to, you know, we've got new nerves coming. Don't worry,
00:46:55.440
we've got some new nerves next week for you. But to close out this ceremony and what has been
00:47:01.660
a year that has exceeded our wildest hopes and expectations at the nerve, you know, the nerve
00:47:08.140
is nothing without the troublemakers and without all of your contributions. Behind me here is artwork
00:47:14.560
by none other than Paul from New Zealand. And I'm going to read a poem that was written by a nerve super
00:47:22.860
fan named William. William, you know who you are. And William has contributed more than anyone knows
00:47:32.080
to the nerve already. And he came to visit nerve central a few months ago. And with him, he brought
00:47:39.040
a poem that he had written. And he calls it, it's the night before Christmas, but it's nerve style. And so
00:47:47.840
I would like to read it to you now. I will read this to you in character as none other than Mrs.
00:47:55.300
Cocaine Clause. And here is the beautiful, beautiful, look at the effort that William put into this. You
00:48:01.940
know, we're going to show it on socials, and we'll full screen it. It's just incredible. So here we begin
00:48:09.460
troublemakers gather round. Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the nerve house, not a
00:48:16.560
troublemaker was stirring, not even a mouse. The wood chipper was snug and tucked in its bed,
00:48:23.520
with visions of chipping fakers dancing in its head. When what to my wondering eyes should suddenly
00:48:29.820
appear, but a miniature woodshed and eight tiny nerve deer. At the helm of the shed, there was such a great
00:48:37.940
sight. This troublemaker saw who he calls St. Maureen, happily shouting into the night. Now Oprah,
00:48:46.340
and Gail, please go tie her shoes. Oh, Duchess Megan, with your runny jam and flowers you fake,
00:48:53.520
don't you know by now no one wants your as ever cake? To Blake, who cried a big sorry fat foul. Let's
00:49:01.100
go Tracy Ross. It's time for your final skin shedding bow. These are but a few who have fallen so low,
00:49:08.420
these beasts of our culture off to the wood shipper you go. And on top of our roof, I heard the prancing
00:49:16.720
and steps of nerve pause. And suddenly St. Maureen was down the chimney leaving me in awe. Oh, that's so
00:49:23.620
nice. She stood there in front of me. William wrote this. Okay, I did not secretly write this.
00:49:29.220
And it was such a beautiful sight. Her blonde hair was blazing on this starlit Christmas night, and
00:49:35.220
there to her side was Megan, Hope, and one link. Mark said hello with a total big wink. Behind them
00:49:42.960
stood tall was Tim with his magic makeup hands. I knew for certain I was surrounded by those who were
00:49:50.160
the prettiest in the land. William, you're so sweet. St. Maureen shared some truths that I still carry
00:49:57.400
with. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Otherwise, you'll end up in the wood shipper one
00:50:03.300
day without further word. And a twinkle of her nose. Suddenly up the chimney, St. Maureen and all the
00:50:11.180
in tow rose. She sprang into action as the wood shipper gained traction on this Christmas Eve night.
00:50:17.540
It was to see some big action. But then as she came, they all left in a quick dash,
00:50:23.060
exclaiming to all as she drove out of sight, happy holidays, troublemakers, and to all a good night.
00:50:33.940
And that does it for our inaugural nerve awards. We had the most fun putting this together for you,
00:50:42.820
and we hope you had as much fun watching it. Come back and see us tomorrow for the mini nerve.
00:50:50.600
It's one of your favorite subjects, and you haven't seen it in a while, and you haven't seen this friend
00:50:56.460
of the nerve in a while, and we love it, and we think you will too. That drops on YouTube at 10 a.m.
00:51:03.360
Eastern. And the nerve, the nervy traveler. We went on the road, and we've got those adventures coming
00:51:12.320
to you during the holidays. And for now, here is a sneak peek. Welcome to the nerve's very first
00:51:19.400
travel edition. Oh, wow. What a magical place this is. It really is. We're headed to the island of the
00:51:38.120
It does. It does feel a little much. The pyramids of Mexico. I'm taking my inspo from none other
00:51:54.760
than Tracy Ellis. There's no place in the world you can't dry brush, right?
00:52:08.120
We got the beat. We got the beat. We got the beat. Suck it, Tracy Ellis Ross. Try to do that
00:52:20.020
with a real go-go. We cannot wait to show you what we got up to in Mexico City. And if you haven't
00:52:29.080
already, check out our sub stack at thenervshow.com. Be sure to subscribe. It's super easy,
00:52:36.800
and it's tons of fun. Plus, Nerve merch. Grab something for yourself or pick up something for
00:52:42.480
a fellow troublemaker. We've got holiday editions at thenervshopthenerve.com. It's shopthenerve.com.
00:52:50.280
Also, The Nerve is now available on Megan's podcast playlist every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday
00:52:57.520
at 9 a.m. Eastern on Sirius XM channel 111, the Megan Kelly channel. We will see you tomorrow
00:53:05.860
for the mini. And then again, next week, right here at The Nerve, where you will never guess