＂$9 Million on OnlyFans & God Saved Me＂ ｜ Michael & Nala Ray
Episode Stats
Length
2 hours and 20 minutes
Words per Minute
191.5539
Summary
Nala Ray rose to become one of the top porn performers on the world's most popular porn sites and made a ton of money. Then she decided to quit it all and now she's living a totally different life.
Transcript
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I was a pastor's kid. It started slow. I started OnlyFans. I made like $85,000 the first month.
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What was it about you that was able to make a million dollars a year?
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My biggest thing that I sold was that I'm multiple girls. I put all of that energy into creating
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Nala. How much money do you have at this point?
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Nine million. My parents kind of disowned me. That sounds catastrophic.
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Sorry. I've never really dove into that feeling. Never talked about this. What's the point of all
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this money when I don't have feelings? Is that the moment where you say, all right,
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I got to start getting out of this thing? I was sobbing. I was looking at my fireplace. I grabbed
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the Bible. I was like, God, I need an answer now. I truly need an answer now. And he gave me an answer.
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One of the underappreciated aspects of temptation is that it's very tempting. Money, sex, fame.
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My guest today is someone who has had all of those things in spades and then came to regret it
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and totally cut it all off. And that would be one of the top OnlyFans performers, a former OnlyFans
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performer, Nala Ray. Nala, thank you for coming to the show.
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So I'm not just saying this to seem like goody-goody. I actually am unfamiliar with your work.
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Now you're on a totally different, but this has all happened very, very quickly.
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You rose to fame as one of the top performers on the top, one of the top porn sites in the world,
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and you made a ton of money and you got extremely famous. Then you quit it all. We'll get into that.
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And now you're living a totally different life.
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So the beginning started about five years ago, if we're talking about going back to the beginning
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So as far back as I can remember, I have been in a big family. I was raised with four other
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children and they're all my parents, but we were a family of seven. We weren't always like a
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religious family. It was probably when I was 10 years old that we, like, well, I had lost my
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house in a tornado. And then my parents went through a divorce and we weren't serving the Lord
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then. But it was crazy how God brought us back together. And then my parents remarried within a
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span of a couple of years. So there was a lot of stuff that had happened in my life that was just
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Um, almost 11 years old. Cause we had just lost our house, like completely lost everything
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in the tornado. Um, I was living in Missouri at the time. And then my parents divorced because it
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was like, it was, it was a lot to go through. Honestly, it's a big family and like losing
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everything that you worked for was just gone. I absolutely destroyed. So, and then having to
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provide for kids. So I can understand like the emotional strain that my dad probably carried
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to provide for his family. And then that was just all gone. So my parents divorced and then
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they actually got saved during the process that they were divorced. You know, they really had this
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come to Christ moment. And, um, so I was almost 11 and then they got remarried on Christmas Eve.
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So that was just like, it was really cool. So to see your family like reunited again. And from there,
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my family really started diving into being led by my parents, like religion, um, which was like
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Baptist. We are Baptist Christians. And so interestingly enough, I don't know how this even came up a part
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of my dad's life, but he began preaching. So I, again, I can't even go back that far in my brain to
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when that actually started for my dad, but he had been a, uh, pastor and evangelist for,
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I'd say like 10 years. So after all that happened.
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So he became a, a evangelist pastor after they got remarried or, or so not before.
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That, that was pretty much it. So, um, became a pastor, um, was pastoring a couple churches
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churches. And the, the sorrowful part of that was that like some of the churches had church splits.
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So we went through some church splits through that, like religion of being a Baptist. And
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it wasn't really the religion, I think, but it was just like the people in the church couldn't get
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along. And that's, I don't feel like that's really Christ. You know, that's not Christ's heart is for
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us to divide, but to build and have unity together.
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I am a mackerel snapping papist, uh, a Catholic. And so we've had, I guess we've had some splits,
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but they're like historic schisms, you know, between the East and the West.
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So, but we don't have, I think what you're describing, which is you, you mean like in,
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so it's a relatively small congregation and then they, one day they just decide we're done.
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No, more like the church actually splits in half. No, I'm just kidding.
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That's it. Yes. So people like deacons or, um, the pastors,
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and there's other roles in the church. Um, they disagree continuously for whatever amount of time
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and it gets worse and worse and people tell their sides to half this, the church and other people
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take other sides. And, and after that, the church really just cannot function together because there's
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almost drama involved or it's just other people's opinions and people do not want to be in the church
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because it's uncomfortable now, you know, because everyone knows the situation. Nothing's really
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being spoken about behind, except for like behind backs. And that's just, it's a mess.
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It truly is just like a divorce and the kids are the denomination, you know, like the sheep in the
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church. So we went through a couple of those and it was crazy because some of the people in the
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church just didn't like what my, my dad had to say. He's a very blunt pastor and he's very just like,
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we'll tell you what it is and preaches from the word of God. And some people didn't agree with it.
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And, you know, I was really young too. So I don't understand all of it at the time. Like I was
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probably like 11, 12, 13 years old and while so much had happened. And so it's just, it's like
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going through a divorce after divorce after divorce. And it's really hard because, you know,
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you kind of, you not even kind of, you get to know people in that church and you might not fall
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in love with them, but they became a big part of your life. And then now you see them for something
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very different because they don't like your dad. And then you feel this restraint from wanting to
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be around them, speak to them, or, you know, even consider their viewpoint on it because that's
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your father. So we went through a couple of church splits and moved around. And, you know,
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at the time I never, I was never even considering, oh, it's, it's my dad. And I, I'm not blaming him
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in any manner, but now that I have Christ in my heart as an adult and not a child, I'm looking at
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things differently and just trying to test the spirit. Cause that's what the Bible asks us to do.
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You know, when you're unsure about something, test the spirit, look at the fruit of the spirit.
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And I've been actually going over that in my head. And it's not that I can remember one specific
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sermon of his or anything, but I'm looking at him as a person and his character. And, you know,
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what we did as a pastor's family and being a pastor's family, I have to tell you is one of
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the roughest jobs. You don't get paid for it either, but like, you know, it's a rough place to
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be in, in your life. If your family isn't like in unity and our family just wasn't in unity in any
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manner. This is another area where my potpourri will give me some ignorance, which is, you know,
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priests don't get married in the Catholic church. I did not know that. So that's my ignorance.
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They're celibate and they don't get married. So there's a whole long historical conversation
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about that. But as a result, I'm totally unfamiliar with this idea of a pastor having a family. I
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imagine that would be extremely stressful and very difficult both for him and for the family,
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even what you're, what you're describing, the traditional understanding of the family of a
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marriage is as a symbol of Christ's love for his church. Absolutely. And so everything you're
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describing is just, as you say, a divorce after a divorce after a divorce. One of the four marks of
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the church. There's just no unity anywhere. There's no unity. Yeah, that's supposed to be one of the
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four marks. So how can you feel safe in any atmosphere, including your home atmosphere?
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So you just, I just, I truly never felt safe, you know, because when we go to church, there's like
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some face we have to put on. You can't be like, you need to be the strong people for the church.
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Right. You cannot be the weak ones. You're the face of the church. Absolutely. And that's,
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I have a really big issue with that now, like looking back, like being vulnerable with people is how
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people trust you as well. You can't always put on this strong face and expect people to trust you.
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Yeah. Because I don't trust people like that in my day to day. Like if you're always the same
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consistently and I'm like, hmm, what's going on? Why aren't you opening up to me? Why aren't you
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being vulnerable with me? Because that's a good relationship, right? A priest friend of mine once
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wrote that the problem with the modern idea of the feel-good religion, the real weakness of feel-good
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religion is feeling bad. Wow. Because people feel bad sometimes. Right. Absolutely.
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If your whole religion is about just, you know, strong face, happy-go-lucky, well, then you're
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going to begin to have doubts. That's a really good point, honestly. But there was really not much
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of that. And if I did feel that way, it was at home and secret and private, you know. And again,
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I did not have a good relationship with my parents and I'm not blaming them in any manner. I didn't know
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how to have a relationship with my parents because I was a pastor's kid. Like I don't
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think people understand the roles of a pastor's family. And I'm here to share it truly. As a
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pastor's daughter, you're kind of expected to just like be the front, right? So anytime someone's
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walking in the door when church starts, you're at the front. You're the first ones to get there
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and the last to leave. I ran Sunday schools. I had to be included in anything that the church
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wanted to, like there was, there was people in the church who felt led to open up like
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a puppet class. I had to be a part of it because I had to show support. The choir, I had to
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be a part of that because I had to show support. Sunday school, Bible school, vacation Bible
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school, any program that there was, the family of the church is expected to represent.
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It's like a political family, like a, you know, a congregation.
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That is such a great way to look at it, honestly. And it's so difficult because it's just like
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show face, show face, show face, show face. And that's about it. Like you, you don't truly
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get to be like your own person. You're just, you're, you're family. You know what I mean?
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You're a part of your family. You need to listen to your parents. And I'm really young at this
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point. So it's just like, I have no choice. And growing up in churches, like I didn't have
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very many kid friends at all, unless they were children, children, because I was watching
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them in Sunday school so their parents could be in service. So, which I love personally
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sometimes because I got to eat snacks with them and that was the best part. But like,
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and I love children. So that was, it was, it was fun for sure. It wasn't all gloom and
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doom, nothing. But now as I'm an adult, I look back at this and I'm reflecting for the longest
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time I pushed it away and pushed it away out of my head because it was very painful to go
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back through that. And just like, think about so many times where I struggled and there just
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wasn't anybody there. But the point I was trying to make was growing up, I only truly had like adult
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friends. Like I grew up at 13 years old. Were there not young people in the church community?
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There were. We had very small churches though. It's not like mega churches by any means. Like
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maybe a hundred people in the church, maybe less. Like it was never big, big, which a hundred
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people is a lot. But when you're catering so much to things, like I just, I really grew up at a
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younger age. And the, I do remember this two, these two girls that went to my last church that
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my dad pastored and they went to public school and I was homeschooled like almost my entire life.
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I just could not relate to them. They were worried about like what they were wearing to school
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and what they were getting. And I'm like, I just share my sister's clothing. So I don't know like
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what you're talking about. And I could never, I just never felt like I fit in with them. It was,
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it was that kind of a relationship. So. Well, I've noticed friends of mine who are homeschooled,
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many of them were. They, they are much more mature usually probably because they're spending more
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time around adults. Yeah. A little bit socially awkward though. Sometimes that they have a little
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homeschool kids like that where me and my siblings would be like, man, they're weird. Like, are we
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like that? So, because they don't get out very much, but thankfully, like we were in church. So we
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were just always being social with people, regardless if it was just mainly adults. But yeah, so I do
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realize that homeschool kids can be more mature, but also I think that's because of their studies are
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being very honed in on, you know, like in public school, the teacher can't speak to one student.
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They're teaching a whole class instead of really paying attention to that one child. In homeschooling,
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I was the only one in my grade and my mom was my teacher. So like I was very honed in on as a child.
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Makes prom very awkward, but you know, that's. Oh my gosh. I didn't, I would have loved to go to prom
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for sure. I wanted all of that. I didn't even have like a graduation ceremony. I was just like,
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oh, you're graduated now. That's great. I'm like, okay. So I feel like I did miss out on a lot,
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but I would not take it. I'm very thankful my parents chose that direction. Um, I don't only
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feel kind of book smart, but I do feel very street smart in that manner too. So I'm usually
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you'd hear the opposite. You'd hear a homeschooler say book smart, look, I'm really book smart,
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but I don't have any street smarts in the public. I was a public school kid and you know, I got a
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little bit of book learning because it was a good public school, but you, you get much more
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street smarts from public school than you do book smarts, but you're saying it's the opposite.
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Well, for me, my dad is very, very street smart and my mom is very, very book smart.
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So I got both of their teachings and I'm a very hands-on person instead of more of a bookworm.
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So I do enjoy reading depending on the book, but, um, I am very hands-on to learn. So I feel like
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that's where my critical thinking came in. Like while I was growing up, I started working at a very
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young age, like just turned 15, got a job. What was the job? I worked at Hardee's.
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Hardee's. Oh yeah. Yeah. I'm friends with the former head of Hardee's.
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That's awesome. Maybe you guys worked together. I don't know.
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Different levels. I worked in, uh, it was when I worked in, uh, I was in Illinois.
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So yeah, but, um, I loved it. I love working so much. When I got my first job, I felt so
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independent. I bought my first car by myself. My parents didn't help with that. I just, I wanted
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to be out of the home so bad. And that job provided those hours away.
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Now did, did your siblings want to get out of the home too? They did.
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And so, so at this point, cause I'm trying to track how, how things start to go in another
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direction. You and your family, you're basically all on the same page doing the same kind of
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thing. Yep. This is age 15 ish, 16. Okay. So you want to get out, you want to be independent.
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Then what? Okay. So I was about 15, 16. Um, I had worked at Hardee's for like two years. I got
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another job, um, in fast food that didn't last very long. Cause I knew I didn't want to be in
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fast food anymore. Um, I got a job as a waitress for a breakfast and lunch place. Um, and I loved
00:16:28.520
that job that really helped. That was when I started going to college around 18. So right
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when I graduated, I got right into college and I went, this is a local college or you
00:16:36.780
state college of Florida. So I went there, um, for two years, I was studying to become a dental
00:16:42.660
hygienist because I was like, Hey, I like teeth. This is cool. Like, let's do it. Every time I went
00:16:46.540
to the dentist, I had a great upper experience and I was like, I could do this. What? Who has the,
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every time I go to the dentist, they make my mouth bleed. Cause I go once every five years
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and then they yell at me for not flossing properly. But you had a good, you got, I wanted
00:16:59.860
to be that person that yelled at others. A lot of control. Yeah. But I'm very interested
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in the anatomy of human body and like the face and everything. So I loved my classes. Um,
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unfortunately I didn't stay in, but it was, um, not short after I had gotten a job in surgery
00:17:17.500
scheduling for an orthopedic company. So I'd felt like my medical career was kind of taking off
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actually without a full degree. So I was like, Oh, and I really loved orthopedics again. I just
00:17:28.280
loved the human body. So it just kind of fell into that category. So why do you think you love the
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human body? I'm fascinated. I'm fascinated. Do you have any sense of where that might've come from or
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our creator? I think at the time I didn't know it absolutely being a creation of his. Um, but
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at the time I didn't think about it like that, I was just fascinated by the human body. And when I
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went through my anatomy and physiology classes, I was like, Whoa, like this is crazy. And then I went
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through labs dissecting cats. And I thought that was amazing. And so interesting to hear you say
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that because a lot of modern religion, they tell you body doesn't matter at all. It's all, you know,
00:18:07.240
it's just kind of mamby pamby stuff in your head. But the ancient Christian writer Tertullian famously
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said, the flesh is the hinge of salvation. You know, the faith is a sacramental faith. So you
00:18:17.420
receive the Holy Eucharist or any of the sacraments. And the idea is it's a meeting of the physical with
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the metaphysical. And that's lost on so many people in modern life. But you're saying that
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actually wittingly or unwittingly was, was drawing you to the body.
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I love the human body. I think it's artwork. I really do. Like I, I, um,
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when I started this journey on OnlyFans, I was very prone, like nudity, like, because I,
00:18:48.280
I love the human body. I think we're beautiful. Truly. I have a different form of that love now
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for what I, it's more, I love what God created instead of just nudity, you know? So, and that
00:19:01.080
was, what's the, what, what do you see as the distinction?
00:19:04.700
Perversion. Perversion. That's pretty much the, the distinction I, I feel now is like
00:19:11.200
promiscuity versus, you know, like acceptance of something beautiful and seeing it for what
00:19:18.560
God created it to be and how God wants it to be used instead of being perverted in it.
00:19:23.860
Right. In, in almost a kind of idolatry. Like you think, you know, we could all name aspects
00:19:29.960
of the human body that we, uh, are. Yes. Pro to. But, but if you, you know, so if you consider
00:19:36.100
that, say in the context of marriage, as it ought to be, and you say, okay, really, you
00:19:40.320
know, this part's kind of nice and this part, but if you consider that as part of the integrated
00:19:44.120
whole of the person that is then also a composited body and soul, then that's all great. You
00:19:48.720
know, it's like a song of songs and we, it's really good. We're not trying to suppress that
00:19:52.260
desire. Nope. But if you, if you make an idol, you know, you, you, uh, have a thing for
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this body part or that body part, then you, it really becomes in the, in the true sense
00:20:02.780
of the word, a fetish. It does. Like a fetish is a term that refers to pagan idolatry. Yes.
00:20:08.060
Right. Like, uh, you could have a fetish for some weird, like, you know, idol statue kind
00:20:11.720
of thing. Of course. Just like you can have a foot fetish. Right. Right. Absolutely. Or any,
00:20:15.480
you know, really any physical aspect. Absolutely. Which seems to be so, um, prominent today.
00:20:21.160
Yes. We, we live in a very evil and adulterous generation. So a perversion is a very big
00:20:27.080
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generously as you can. Preborn.com slash Knowles. So you're saying you, you were taken by the body
00:21:29.580
and then led into this perversion. Yes. It started slow, kind of, but in that me being lost. So I was in
00:21:41.020
that job of orthopedics for two and a half years going on three. Um, it was when I got the opportunity
00:21:48.340
to start only fans and it was right before, right after COVID had just gotten out. Like it was still
00:21:57.220
like a mystery kind of, but we were hearing it online. I was hearing about Tik TOK and people were
00:22:01.440
kind of making fun of it, but it hadn't like shut everything down yet. So, um, this was super early
00:22:08.880
2020, like January. Um, I had gotten reached out to by someone on social media and I was not big on
00:22:15.360
social media at any manner. You just had a personal, just a personal Instagram or something. Like
00:22:21.340
soup. I was a nobody pretty much like very low following. Um, didn't have a Twitter, didn't have
00:22:26.500
like a Snapchat, didn't have a Facebook. But it was fitness. Fitness. So there's also that, you know,
00:22:31.160
you're into the orthopedics, you're into fitness. I am. I really love fitness. I've been working out
00:22:36.980
since I was like 18 before my brother went off to the air force. I like, I started working out with
00:22:42.260
him in the gym and it was just awesome. And then I carried all that over after he left for the air
00:22:46.660
force. I worked out once. Once. You didn't take. You didn't like it. Not for me. No. I, um, I enjoy
00:22:54.380
pushing yourself. I enjoy pain in that manner because I have a hard time before, before I met Christ.
00:23:02.580
I have a hard time feeling things. I really do. And what do you mean by that? I feel numb. I felt
00:23:09.000
numb. It's really difficult to, it was difficult for me to feel things like sadness. Like I felt like
00:23:17.160
I never cried. I never, I could get angry and my temper was probably a little worse than it should
00:23:22.720
have been. But crying was like not a big thing for me. I didn't feel very emotional. I felt very numb
00:23:29.480
to things. And I didn't have a lot of friends either. So like, and I chose that. Yeah. So I
00:23:35.480
truly chose that because I, I was sick of having people in my life that would just come to me and
00:23:40.960
complain about things and never want to change. I'm like, I'm the kind of person that will tell you,
00:23:45.360
Hey, you effed up. You would, you should probably do something about that. I'm here, but like,
00:23:51.720
don't come to me and just cry and then cry about the same thing again and come back and do the same
00:23:56.440
thing. I'm not going to listen after a certain, like certain period. Are you a man? You sort of
00:24:00.140
sound like a man. See, this is like, this is a thing I've actually gotten asked before, but not
00:24:05.000
like indirectly. Like, are you a man? I'm definitely a female. I'm a woman from birth. And I love that.
00:24:11.340
But I have, um, very masked like emotions. And I don't know if that's because of like how I was
00:24:16.920
raised or just a lot that I've gone through. When you say you have masked emotions, is it that you
00:24:22.700
have them, but you don't express them? Or you're saying you don't even really have them. You are
00:24:26.780
just actually kind of numb. You know, I do feel as though they're, they were masked because now
00:24:33.080
since I gave my life to Christ, I don't feel like that anymore. So I feel like damage was done in my
00:24:40.980
past that just kind of suppressed. And I felt as though I needed to be strong and I was all my own.
00:24:48.080
So I could be on my own and crying, or I could be on my own and independent and like fearless and
00:24:52.700
strong. What I believed strong looked like. And I didn't have a lot of people in my life,
00:24:58.340
um, including my parents and my siblings. And I, you know, siblings are funny thing because
00:25:03.720
like you like want to kill each other when you're younger. And then when you grow up,
00:25:07.880
you kind of go through this phase sometimes where you don't speak. And then when you're an adult,
00:25:11.460
you're like, there's no reason not to speak. You know, like we want to speak and we want to be
00:25:15.040
cordial. We want to see each other. It's amazing. It's an actual like phenomenon to me.
00:25:19.980
When you see your siblings grow up next to you, you take a little bit of a break. And then the next
00:25:24.460
time you revisit them, in my case, they're full grown adults, right? They're living lives. They have
00:25:29.520
children, they've been married and they're completely different people. So that's more than
00:25:33.840
a little bit of a break. Yes. It was like a couple of years, like three, four years. So, but,
00:25:38.880
but when you were growing up, were your siblings like you in the sense that they didn't know,
00:25:43.160
no. So you were, you were different. A little different, but I'm also the middle child. So I
00:25:47.100
feel like the middle child is just odd. This is an odd ball. So, um, whether that be due to like
00:25:53.940
no love or whatever that is, it's not that my parents didn't love me. They loved me in their
00:25:59.840
own way, but it was like, I, do you know about like the love languages? Uh, a little bit. I always
00:26:05.820
thought of myself as a Casanova, but I don't know the specific jargon. What's that definition?
00:26:09.220
Well, you know, I'm of Italian descent. Are you? That's why we get along. But, but I,
00:26:15.720
when you say love languages, are you referring to a technical kind of thing?
00:26:18.900
Yeah. So there's, uh, there's like equivalently like five love languages, like physical touch,
00:26:23.080
acts of service, gifts, words of affection. And there's one more, um, quality time.
00:26:30.960
Food. Okay. That's somewhere in there. I love food too. I love to cook too. Love to cook. Um,
00:26:37.540
but you know, there's like this love language test that you can take and it just kind of tells you
00:26:43.200
what your physical love language is. You know, um, mine is physical touch. I feel the most loved
00:26:49.440
when I'm physically touched, whether it be holding hands, a pat on the back, a hug. That is how I
00:26:56.460
mainly accept and feel very loved. You know, like you have a love tank, you know, mine gets filled up
00:27:01.460
by physical touch. So, and it's not like sexual. It's, it's completely just really nice physical
00:27:07.860
touch. You know, again, it can just be like a pat on the back or, you know, a touch, but, um,
00:27:13.480
for everyone it's different. And so what I mean by that is like my parents didn't, I don't feel as
00:27:20.620
though they loved me in the way that I feel loved. Didn't give you a hug. My parent, my mom was a very
00:27:26.720
like more stern disciplinarian. She's so sweet, but it's not like, she's not like a hugger or
00:27:34.520
anything like at all, like doesn't touch kind of thing. And then my dad being like respectful
00:27:39.780
because I'm a woman, you know, doesn't do that at all. Like will not touch like that. So, and I was
00:27:45.720
like, okay, I get it. But like, I just need love, you know? So, you know, the craziest thing is I went
00:27:51.160
through counseling at, um, in my teenage years because I was acting out like crazy, like crazy
00:27:56.460
and couldn't explain it to myself. My parents didn't know what was going on with me. And I went
00:28:00.680
to a counselor and she specifically said the reason I was acting out was because I was looking for love.
00:28:07.640
And when you say acting out, what do you mean? So I was like sneaking out of my house when I was 15,
00:28:12.380
16 years old. Um, like sneaking out the window at like one or two in the morning when the whole house
00:28:17.300
had went to sleep, um, meeting boys, meeting random people. I wasn't drinking, doing drugs,
00:28:24.140
partying. I just wanted to be around people and have freedom. I had such a rush from sneaking out
00:28:29.160
of my house because it was like the only form of freedom that I felt like I had control over.
00:28:33.680
And it was, it was just, it was such a dark time in my life. And my parents ended up calling the cops
00:28:38.980
on me. And that was like the last time I did it. How did you even find these people? If you're in this
00:28:42.700
real online, like just random, I had an iPod, um, that I had a phone, but it didn't have internet
00:28:48.620
because my parents were like very strict about that. But I had secretly bought an iPod off of
00:28:54.100
line, like Craigslist or something, and connected it to my wifi and was just like meeting people like
00:28:59.480
that. And that was the most dangerous thing, obviously, but I didn't care. So you're meeting
00:29:04.640
them on Facebook or something or Facebook or like some kind of apps, like a dating app or something
00:29:10.680
like that. I can't remember specifically right now, but one was off Facebook for sure. Um,
00:29:15.860
I just, I did not care. I was just like, or if I met them in person, I'd get their details like
00:29:21.560
secretly. And then like, we talk like that, but, um, I just really wanted attention and I knew it
00:29:27.880
was like physically. So I have been like, I feel as though I'm very like sexual, like hyperactive
00:29:34.780
person. I, you know, that's what I told myself for the longest time because that's what I was
00:29:39.300
craving. But I think truly it was like physical touch, but in like a loving way and not a sexual
00:29:46.760
way. Right. Right. So, but that's what the counselor was like trying to explain to me was
00:29:51.420
that she feels as though I'm acting out in these, these ways, like these dramatic ways to one,
00:29:56.900
get attention and to like, just feel love that love that I'm not feeling at home because my parents
00:30:03.600
are focused on the church and not their kids. So like you can be a shepherd of the sheep in the
00:30:10.080
church, but if you're not being a shepherd in your own home, they're turning into wolves over here,
00:30:14.920
starving. Charity is the most important virtue, but charity begins at home. Love. Yeah. Yeah.
00:30:20.380
Absolutely. So I don't know anything about running a family, so I can't imagine how difficult it could
00:30:24.820
have been for sure. I'm not judging my parents in any manner. I think they did the best they could
00:30:28.740
truly. I'm not blaming them or anyone for my actions at all. It was completely my choice. We
00:30:34.740
all have free will, don't we? We do, though our will is conditioned by our circumstances. I agree
00:30:39.760
with that completely. When I watched your last podcast on that, I was like, wow, speak truth.
00:30:44.980
I know. It's not a very, it's not a very politically correct view now because it's not a very liberal
00:30:49.040
view. Yeah. But no, obviously, you know, this is why education is so important. It's why we call it
00:30:54.420
liberal education. It's not in like the modern political sense, but in the sense that the way
00:31:01.000
that we learn to use our freedom, to make sense of our freedom, is through education and cultivating
00:31:07.540
intellectual virtues, but also moral virtues that are habits. And if something goes wrong in that
00:31:13.980
instruction, you're liable to go wrong. You won't be able to exercise your free will.
00:31:19.400
Absolutely. And if you're not educated well on the topic or which who is at any age, you're not
00:31:24.620
educated on everything, but you back up on things that you were kind of influenced by, you know,
00:31:32.640
like if you don't actively have a knowledge about it, you kind of kick in with, well, this is what I
00:31:37.540
know, you know, this is what I've experienced. That's how I kind of feel about it. And again,
00:31:42.460
it's not blaming my parents in any manner. I'm very thankful for my parents, but.
00:31:47.300
But something went wrong. It really directed me, you know, in a weird way for sure. I really do
00:31:53.720
believe that. I'm really happy that, you know, I wouldn't take any of it back because it still
00:32:01.900
ended up shaping me into the person I am now, no matter what, like hurt. It's, it's a beautiful
00:32:08.760
thing. You wouldn't take what back? Your actions or the way you were raised? Both, actually. The,
00:32:14.080
my actions leading up to OnlyFans, my actions on OnlyFans, of course, I'm ashamed of it. I do want
00:32:19.180
to be very clear about that. In no way, shape or form should anyone go through that and be like,
00:32:23.720
oh, I'll just get saved later. Or it, I'll just get off after that. Or who cares about what my
00:32:28.620
reputation is later? You should absolutely care about who you are, who you're going to be. And
00:32:33.460
I don't think people now being influenced by it understand the direct harm it will do to your
00:32:40.860
mind, your body, and your soul. So it sounds like you're saying you do regret it. You just-
00:32:47.300
Of course. The actions, absolutely. Would I take it back? No. And this is the reasoning. Because I feel
00:32:55.020
like my testimony is very strong now. You know, in Paul in the Bible, or Saul who turned to Paul in the
00:33:01.280
Bible was absolutely persecuting and killing Christians, you know, and holding the coat for
00:33:07.220
people stoning the apostles, right? So he got radically changed on the road to Damascus. Completely
00:33:15.680
changed. You know, was blinded even. And regained his sight, but then radically got saved by God
00:33:22.220
himself and changed and became a living, walking testimony to people who were just like him or so
00:33:33.300
many others. You know, he started writing letters to the churches, you know, bluntly calling them out
00:33:38.880
or praising them for what they're doing in the community of Christ. And I thought that was so bold.
00:33:43.940
But why I say I wouldn't take it back is because God could absolutely use me if I never would have
00:33:49.420
gotten on OnlyFans. I don't need to have that testimony to be able to reach people. But if you
00:33:54.980
were a young girl thinking about starting an OnlyFans and being influenced by this current
00:34:01.680
generation to start an OnlyFans, would you listen to the person that's never been on OnlyFans or never
00:34:06.580
had any direct connection to it saying, don't do it, don't do it? Or would you listen to the person
00:34:10.940
at the top of the hill who's saying, there's a cliff after this?
00:34:17.020
You could, absolutely, depending on so many different things. But I'm stubborn. So, and I'm
00:34:23.700
one of those hands-on people that kind of want to figure it out for myself. I personally would
00:34:30.000
listen to the person at the top of the hill being like, do not come up here. Please, you, this is
00:34:35.860
fatal, you know, other than someone who really doesn't have a whole bunch of knowledge on it and
00:34:40.960
hasn't even, might not even be experiencing the feelings and whatever that person's going
00:34:47.460
through. You know, a lot of insecurities. I say insecurities because that's exactly how I was
00:34:51.580
feeling in my life when I decided to join OnlyFans. About my looks, about how people perceived me,
00:34:58.960
being someone online. Like, there was a lot of pressure.
00:35:01.720
So you weren't, when you say you have insecurities about your looks or had them then,
00:35:05.500
it's not that you joined OnlyFans because you thought, I'm hot and I can make a buck.
00:35:12.720
I needed to be noticed. Yeah. And a lot of people want to point that out about me. Like,
00:35:16.540
oh, you just want attention. Even now, I just want attention. I want God to have the attention,
00:35:21.900
full and foremost, about anything that I say now, it's about him and not me anymore. And I love that.
00:35:27.820
I'm so happy to have him take center stage and me be in the back with a clipboard, you know?
00:35:35.980
So, but then I was in such a horrible place in my mental. Again, not feeling much. Wasn't crying.
00:35:46.480
I went through quite a few really hard relationships that made me feel even worse about myself.
00:35:56.480
Before OnlyFans, yes. So, I went through quite a few relationships. I didn't have good friends
00:36:02.580
at all. I wasn't in contact with my parents like that.
00:36:06.200
So, you already had falling out with your parents at this point? Before OnlyFans.
00:36:10.740
It wasn't as dramatic as the one when I started OnlyFans, but I was not like,
00:36:15.520
I was speaking to my dad, but we weren't like, good, good. And my mom and I just like barely ever
00:36:20.540
spoke. So, her and I have never really had a good relationship, although I do hope that changes.
00:36:25.500
We still don't have a good relationship, and I'm not quite sure why. But, you know, I, in my mind,
00:36:34.420
I expected this change to be like the prodigal son returning, you know? In my mind, I was like,
00:36:42.200
I hope that's something like what it's like to return home whole and not whole. He didn't come
00:36:47.800
back whole. He came back broken, you know? But, and then he comes back to his home, you know,
00:36:53.500
where he belongs and got an amazing welcome. I'm not expecting a piece.
00:36:57.400
Yes. Yes. And I wanted that, but it did not happen at all. And it kind of broke my heart a
00:37:06.080
In fact, they're actually getting another divorce right now. Oh, man, that's brutal.
00:37:19.920
Yeah. And God's overarching providence, all things will be turned to good, doesn't make
00:37:27.180
It doesn't, but this is human feeling, you know? And we all experience things. And honestly,
00:37:32.080
I'm thankful for the feeling, you know? I'm thankful to be able to feel again. I actually
00:37:37.360
praise God that I can feel things. I praise God when I'm crying. I praise God when I'm
00:37:41.600
happy because it all belongs to him anyway. He is our creator.
00:37:44.380
I rejoice in my sufferings. It's a very traditional view.
00:37:47.420
It's also downplayed in modern religion, which is that suffering is sanctifying because it
00:37:52.260
joins us to the sufferings of Christ on the cross.
00:37:54.260
It does. Exactly. I just heard that yesterday too, and I could not be more just shaken by that.
00:38:01.500
I was like, wow. When Christ was suffering on the cross, he was able to forgive people who
00:38:06.340
were killing him. And that was so beautiful. He wasn't rejoicing in the suffering, but thankful
00:38:13.120
for it. And I was like, wow. And he changed the world, completely changed the world.
00:38:20.060
Yes. So I want to be like that, and I want to learn how to recorrect what I believed previously.
00:38:26.600
Um, I'm just really excited for this new learning portion in my life because I thought I was a
00:38:32.500
scholar. Truly. I really did. I thought I had it all down. I'm like, I'm independent. I'm making
00:38:37.300
money. I don't need a man. I am good to go. Like my future, my career, everything is great. Like
00:38:43.860
I got a dog. I'm fine. Classic modern millennials. It's just like, I got everything. I got money and
00:38:51.820
a computer and a dog. What else do I? I drive a Porsche. Like, this is great. So man, my mind could
00:38:58.600
not be more changed. Oh my gosh. My soul is forever changed from that. Um, so.
00:39:06.440
So you, you never had a good relationship with your parents and they keep getting divorced and
00:39:11.280
it's deeply painful and it's very frustrating. And now you, you know, you've kind of gone down
00:39:17.360
this path and, and some guy reaches out to you, whoever that is and says, Hey, you should join
00:39:22.880
OnlyFans and you'll make a lot of money and get famous. Yep. And then that happened.
00:39:27.960
It actually happened. Which doesn't happen for anyone, but it did happen for you.
00:39:31.060
It was crazy because I, the guy was like a recruiter. I don't know if he worked with OnlyFans.
00:39:35.800
I didn't like stay in contact with him along, but he was trying to get me to sign up under
00:39:39.540
this code. So he tried to get me to sign up. I thought it was sketchy. So I didn't use his
00:39:46.160
code. I was like, I'm not going to do that. I don't even know who you are. And then I started
00:39:51.160
OnlyFans. I was doing it all by myself and I made like $85,000 the first month. I had worked
00:39:58.900
my butt off for a month and I knew, I knew that I wanted to create content on Tik TOK,
00:40:06.640
on Instagram. I just like, I'm a creative person and I wanted to make videos for Tik TOK. I wanted
00:40:14.660
to quit my job because my job at the time in orthopedics was going nowhere. I was not getting
00:40:19.620
promoted. I was just kind of in the same spot that I was like two and a half years ago. I was so
00:40:23.780
disappointed in that because I know I'm like a leader. I know I'm like supposed to be the CEO.
00:40:31.240
When I started broadcasting on the internet, I think I made $85 in my first month, maybe my first
00:40:39.840
year, $85,000. So how? I mean, not, this is not, I mean, no way am I, you're a lovely gal. I'm sure
00:40:48.380
you were very good at it. But how is it that what the median income on OnlyFans is like 300 bucks or
00:40:56.680
something a month or I think maybe even lower than that. What was it about you that was able to make,
00:41:04.160
you know, annualized like a million dollars a year starting out for day one?
00:41:08.840
So the biggest thing I think that changed my OnlyFans career was that I had a niche in the system.
00:41:13.620
One, I have red hair. Two, I'm a gamer. Three, I love anime and I'm a cosplayer.
00:41:21.060
So I put all of that energy into creating Nala.
00:41:28.140
Is that what a, is that, so I learned that term because you're the second weeb that's been on
00:41:33.060
this show. The first one was Archduke Edward Habsburg, the Hungarian ambassador to the Holy
00:41:37.700
Sea. And the second one is Nala Ray. So you're into all this weird nerdy stuff.
00:41:43.500
And that's what made you a million dollars a year starting day one.
00:41:45.980
Yeah, I just think that no one was doing stuff like that on OnlyFans at the time. And I was
00:41:51.600
just like, let's try it, you know? And I started in, and I started in mainly on my cosplaying
00:41:58.200
because my biggest thing that I sold was that I'm not just one girl. I'm multiple girls.
00:42:05.640
Changing hair, makeup. I wore fake contacts and outfits. So I completely looked like a different
00:42:11.540
person. And so had characters kind of to each character kind of thing, like their own personality
00:42:22.600
So that was like my selling point was just kind of that. And I was, the first month I was only
00:42:27.480
selling like lewd pictures and that was about it and talking to them on OnlyFans. I didn't get into
00:42:33.500
porn until like quite a few months later. I was like really trying to think about it first
00:42:39.140
before because I was getting so many offers to start porn or doing more and more for more money.
00:42:44.540
So you were making 85 grand a month without, it was just naked pictures basically?
00:42:53.000
And sexualizing talk with them, but that's about it. Like from the comfort of my own home.
00:42:59.060
But that's never, so I don't know. Knowing a little bit about human nature, I know that that
00:43:04.400
would never be enough for anybody because that's not how like lust and desire work.
00:43:08.860
But one could imagine, you say, okay, I'm now going to make a million dollars a year
00:43:14.820
and I've compromised my dignity and I've given myself some reputational damage, but it's only
00:43:20.420
nude pictures. These days, every woman sends naked pictures.
00:43:25.980
And so why wouldn't you then say a million's enough, no more. I'm only going to keep doing
00:43:33.160
this. I'm not going to go further and make, you know, full porn videos.
00:43:37.160
What's crazy is there was like a time in that period before I started porn, um, that my parents
00:43:48.560
So it was, uh, it was a crazy circumstance. I was out to dinner with my parents, um, just
00:43:53.320
me and them. And a waiter came up to our table and was like, are you Nala? And I was like,
00:43:59.020
no, absolutely not. And all my mom had to do was Google the name Nala. There's no other
00:44:07.740
Nala out there. Nothing. And it showed everything like my Twitter.
00:44:12.380
So Nala is your stage name. Okay. I wasn't sure. Okay. So she, she had never heard the
00:44:20.020
I was so angry. I was like, can you not see that? I'm with my parents.
00:44:23.700
But even then, even, even if you were alone or with friends or something, if you're a
00:44:29.020
dude and you see a porn actress, wouldn't you just keep it to yourself? Because basically
00:44:34.420
you're going up and admitting like, Hey, I'm a pervert.
00:44:38.480
You'd be surprised. I have had so many people over the years come up to me out of the blue
00:44:42.260
and just be like, are you Nala? Can I take a photo with you? I'm like, you know what?
00:44:47.040
It's part of the business, unfortunately, but there are a lot of people who have come up to me
00:44:50.980
a lot. And so it's just like, okay, like, what am I going to say? No.
00:44:56.320
Like at the time I'm like, I just need to be kind to everybody. You know, they are my
00:44:59.920
supporters. You know, they're giving me money. So what am I going to say and be mean? Absolutely
00:45:04.780
not. I'm not a mean person anyway. So, but yeah, that's how they found out. My mom like
00:45:09.520
didn't know at the direct time of the dinner that that was who I was. But then like the next
00:45:13.800
couple of days she found out, did research. And that was when I decided to move to California
00:45:18.600
at that time. So I was already going to be leaving Florida, but, um, it was so hard.
00:45:29.680
But why, why did you want to just for my business had started growing and I didn't want to be
00:45:34.220
near my family while I was doing this. I wanted to keep it all separate. And I felt like a big
00:45:39.600
fish in a little pond in Florida. I did. And I wanted to be a little fish in a big pond.
00:45:44.500
So just a network and see where it went. But again, I told you, like, I'm a leader. Like
00:45:49.300
I, whatever I try to put my time and energy into, I do it a hundred percent and I will go
00:45:54.100
hard. So what happened was like my parents kind of disowned me and like I stopped talking
00:46:03.200
Not, not to bring up a bad memory, but you sort of seem to gloss over that a bit. You say,
00:46:07.640
and so my parents disowned me in this, but that sounds like catastrophic. I mean,
00:46:12.620
it was, um, we had this like final talk before I, the day before I left for California and we were
00:46:17.760
just out on my porch in my apartment and my mom didn't say a word to me the whole time when I was
00:46:23.320
like, they knew I was moving the next day, but didn't say anything to me. Wouldn't even look at me.
00:46:28.720
And my dad was just kind of like trying to come to terms with it verbally, but I wasn't saying
00:46:33.940
anything. Cause I was like, I don't know what you're trying to work out here, but I don't like
00:46:37.700
know what you want me to say. Like, um, I know you disapprove. I just want to know if you still
00:46:43.040
love me. Yeah. But I didn't ask that directly. But the one thing that my mom said before they
00:46:49.780
walked out the door was just like, I hope you're happy in your endeavors. And then just left and
00:46:53.920
it broke my heart truly. So, but she, she must've been in some immense pain. Probably felt a bit of
00:47:01.740
guilt. It's all right. Very dreadful thing all around. And, and, and of course they probably
00:47:23.560
felt a bit of guilt because they are thinking of, you know, their own actions and it kind
00:47:27.240
of leads to this. And so what do you say? Can I get your tissue? Um, yeah, thank you.
00:47:35.900
I think, uh, the biggest thing is that I've never really dove into that feeling, never talked
00:47:42.080
about this. Um, because again, it was just something I was like, I can't even deal with
00:47:46.360
this. I can't think about it. It is hurtful to think that your parents actually do have
00:47:52.820
like a line drawn in the sand to what they will accept and not accept. And will they actually like
00:47:59.560
love you past a certain point? And, um, I guess that answer was kind of no. Do you think it was
00:48:06.060
no though? Or do you think they were just kind of, you know, I, I kind of think that because I went
00:48:12.080
three years without speaking to my mom. Like there was absolutely no communication and except for she
00:48:17.580
did send me a letter, like an email, um, that was just saying that I had drifted far from God
00:48:23.320
and that this wasn't his purpose for my life. And I was like, okay, thanks. Appreciate that.
00:48:28.920
Like, that's great. Um, I was very hurt by that because it just didn't feel real. I didn't feel
00:48:34.500
like she was being real with me. I felt like she was judging me and I don't deal well with judgment.
00:48:39.500
I'm a very rebellious person when it comes up to judgment. Um, like that's just kind of who I am
00:48:44.700
sometimes, which I'm not saying is right, but I really came at it. Like,
00:48:49.180
I don't care what you say. Like, that's what you're going to say to me after all. That's what
00:48:53.940
you're going to say to me. I'm already on this path. Why not just keep going? And that point in
00:48:59.160
my life, I remember that was when I was like, I have nothing else to lose. You know, we have the
00:49:05.660
slowest tissue service. Wow. I appreciate you so much. We can just keep going. Thank you.
00:49:11.600
Okay. Thank you. Yeah. I'm so sorry. No, not at all. So you have this heartbreaking moment
00:49:20.020
with your parents and then you move the next day. For good. Did you, did you, uh,
00:49:29.340
did it hit you the significance of that at the, you know, absolutely. I was very hurt,
00:49:34.920
but didn't know how to like express my anything. I had no emotions to express with that. I remember
00:49:41.420
remember standing in my shower, just like letting the hot water go over me and just staring at the
00:49:47.660
floor. I wasn't crying. Wasn't, I felt nothing. And I was just like, okay, like let's move on now.
00:49:57.760
Like, let's go. Because if I let this, I always felt that like emotions could weaken you. Like in that,
00:50:03.940
I really did. I don't know why I can't explain why I felt that, but I, I needed to be strong for
00:50:09.880
myself. And I knew that I needed to continue going on. Do you think there's anything that
00:50:14.080
your parents could have said that would have gotten you not to do it? Absolutely. I said that
00:50:18.520
in my last interview as well. Like if, if, if you could go back and if someone could have said
00:50:23.640
something to you, would you have changed your mind? And the answer is a million percent because
00:50:28.880
I know how I react to, to love, to true love. Like I feel the genuine, genuine nitty in it.
00:50:38.280
I feel that. Yes. I feel like if somebody, I don't know who, but a friend or a boyfriend or my parents
00:50:49.660
or my, one of my siblings could have sat me down and didn't say anything elaborate, but just,
00:51:01.260
the warning in this, like warned me in any manner. Cause I didn't know anyone in the field,
00:51:09.680
nobody in OnlyFans yet. I'd only just kind of had people around me that were in my previous life
00:51:14.320
and that was it. But I didn't have any friends, like no friends at all. I was just kind of working
00:51:18.880
every single day and that was it in my little apartment with my dog. Like that was it. So,
00:51:23.800
um, I wasn't really like in the outside world. I was just kind of in all the time.
00:51:27.840
Just you and a computer basically. That's it. And my iPhone, like that was it. And like I had sets
00:51:32.420
kind of set up around my home to do like different cosplay shoots and stuff, but that was it. Like
00:51:37.280
my home wasn't even looked like a home. It was like a big studio. So, um, if someone would have said
00:51:44.460
like, Hey, you are worth so much more than this, or I was really struggling with insecurity at the
00:51:50.260
time and thought that was like why I needed the attention and the attention did feel good.
00:51:55.200
And for people out there wanting to be like, Oh, she just wanted attention. You're absolutely right.
00:52:00.320
I wanted attention. Um, whatever that attention looked like, I didn't care because I just needed
00:52:05.500
to feel something, you know? And I feel like I craved that so much was just being able to feel
00:52:11.280
something. And that's definitely a wrong way to go about it, but I did it and I can't take it back.
00:52:18.600
But there was a lot of crucial moments in my life, like in only fans, that world that broke me and
00:52:26.500
continued breaking me. And then it was like, it's like when you're in the military, I've never been
00:52:31.260
in the military, but I've heard a lot of stories like you, you get broken and rebuilt the way they
00:52:36.220
want you to be built up. Correct. So I felt like I had just been broken and broken and broken and
00:52:42.480
broken and just needed to heal and get over it, like stuff it back. So what's the progression?
00:52:48.960
So after I started, after that significant thing happened with my parents, I started porn and it was
00:52:55.320
only with my partner. And I do want to clarify something, not that it matters, but I, I get
00:53:00.440
frustrated at the people on the internet saying like, Oh, you have so many bodies in the five years that I
00:53:05.980
was on only fans. I literally slept with three people and two of those were my partners. Like
00:53:12.680
my, I was in relationship with them for over a year. So, because two of them did only fans. So it
00:53:18.860
was like a part of our relationship was that we just did only fans together and sold it.
00:53:23.860
You racked up a lower body count than probably the average American undergraduate in that period of
00:53:28.600
time. That's what I'm saying. So I, I was never about like sleeping around, but my image online
00:53:34.580
needed to be that so that other people like my, okay. So the people that buy my content are what
00:53:40.340
men, men, if they think that they have a chance with me, they'll buy my content because they just
00:53:45.840
want to speak to me. Right? So I'm really good at marketing myself in that manner to think that
00:53:51.180
they could potentially have a chance with me. I never marketed that I had a boyfriend. It was just
00:53:55.680
people I was sleeping with. And that's how I would market my only fans in the messages was like,
00:54:01.020
oh, I met this guy at the bar. It's my boyfriend. Right. I met this guy at the mall. It's my
00:54:05.160
boyfriend. Like, but most of the time they wouldn't show their faces. So you really couldn't tell.
00:54:09.580
So I'm a genius at marketing that way. I really was like, I knew what men wanted. I even read some
00:54:17.060
dating books. Like one of them was called The Game. I can't remember who was like a pickup artist
00:54:21.960
thing. Something like that. And I wanted to understand men's brains to be able to do my work
00:54:26.740
correctly. Like I... Certain kind of male brain, I guess. Yes. A different one for sure. So at this
00:54:34.060
point now, it's no longer just you're taking pictures and basically selling lust or enticing
00:54:41.520
lust. And that's how you... There's now this layer of deceit because you're lying. Absolutely.
00:54:47.580
Absolutely. I'm selling a fantasy. But are you justifying this to yourself? Is it sort of like,
00:54:54.140
well, I'm an actress and I'm playing a role? Or are you not justifying it at all? And you think,
00:54:57.360
who cares? I'm just doing whatever. I think a little bit of both. I didn't think about it that
00:55:02.180
much at the time. I just knew I was in a world of fantasy. Like none of... You're not even touching
00:55:07.960
me anyway. You know what I'm saying? And in porn, it's a fantasy. Right? The man is experiencing a
00:55:16.140
fantasy with the girl that he's watching on screen. You know? So I was like, I'm a storyteller.
00:55:22.320
That's how I kind of looked at it. So who's this boyfriend though? This boyfriend... He had his
00:55:26.620
own OnlyFans? OnlyFans, yes. Men have OnlyFans? Oh yeah. Absolutely. They don't do half as well or
00:55:33.080
even a quarter of well as women do because women don't buy porn. Men buy porn. I had a thought that
00:55:38.060
I would start in OnlyFans and I would read Italian poetry. They were fully clothed. That would be
00:55:43.380
beautiful. That would be beautiful. Now the problem is I'd be giving money to OnlyFans because they'd get a
00:55:47.540
cut of it. Yep. So I couldn't... But now you're telling me I would only... At best, I'd do a
00:55:51.920
quarter as well. I'm sure that there is a crowd that would love to see you. But that means what?
00:55:56.200
I'll make 20 grand a month? I don't know. I don't know. It's not worth it. With the amount of people
00:56:00.860
on OnlyFans, I think you would have a good shot, honestly. So he had his own thing and that's got to
00:56:05.800
be just for gay guys. Yep. There's no way it's women. It was just called gay baiting. And it was a very
00:56:10.900
disturbing thing that I had to witness for sure. Wow. So you're dating this guy who is doing gay
00:56:19.140
or gay adjacent stuff on OnlyFans. And he's your boyfriend and he's your... But he's your secret
00:56:25.580
boyfriend because he's also your scene partner. Yes. And did you have this sense... I don't purport to
00:56:32.700
have female psychology or even desire at work, but do you have the sense of like, hmm, this guy ain't
00:56:39.520
Prince Charming. This guy ain't the man of my dream. Oh, absolutely. I knew I was not going to
00:56:42.900
marry that man. I just thought it was like more of a work relationship. It was like, cool, we both do
00:56:47.720
the same thing. That's great. Like, I didn't care. And again, I had this crazy feeling inside that I
00:56:54.480
would probably never get married because of like what I did. And I was like, you know, if I have to
00:57:00.140
accept that, I just need to accept that. I did not by any means think that that was going to be my
00:57:04.960
husband or anything. Like I knew it was a short-lived relationship. Had you wanted to get
00:57:09.620
married as a kid or a young kid? Yeah, absolutely. Most girls, they dream of their wedding day. I did
00:57:14.680
for sure. And then, but at some point though, you start pursuing this thing because it's going to
00:57:20.000
lead you to your other goals and it's going to make you rich and famous. But then you end up,
00:57:24.340
I guess this is how a Faustian bargain works. The thing that you were aiming at, you end up losing.
00:57:29.040
So you say, okay, well, to have this life, which includes getting married, I got to do porn.
00:57:34.860
And then, but actually the porn is going to preclude me from getting married. But oh,
00:57:38.160
well, nevermind. At least I'm still doing porn. At least I'm still doing porn. In my mind,
00:57:42.040
it wasn't, I'm doing porn. It was like, at least I can be financially independent. Like I was like,
00:57:49.120
I made so much more money than my partner at the time. So much more money. I would imagine.
00:57:53.420
And so I, in my head, it was just hard to see like a man who would be able to accept that.
00:57:59.180
Like a woman making more money and being the complete breadwinner. Like I could come into
00:58:03.900
your life and spoil the F out of you. Just like everything, you know, could give you whatever
00:58:08.160
you wanted. And that, I'd love if the Tech Philippe watch would be good. Maybe like a,
00:58:12.720
some kind of a nice briefcase or I'm just, you know. I heard you like the Kiehl's lip balm.
00:58:18.080
That's probably the most expensive thing I have around here. Those things are like a thousand
00:58:22.040
dollars. Yeah. Yeah. So, right. So you're saying it's not even just, I want to be financially
00:58:27.000
independent compared to my family growing up. Say you're saying even compared to this guy I'm
00:58:33.420
dating, this guy's a schlub. He's poor. Absolutely. And I'm so. I had very little respect for him.
00:58:39.320
Very little. Fair enough. Right. Well, you're gay baiting. I thought that was really gross. Honestly,
00:58:43.680
like, but he didn't do that the whole relationship. He had just started that almost by the end of our
00:58:48.180
relationship. I was so against it. I didn't know how to feel about it. I was like. How homophobic of
00:58:54.360
you. Very homophobic. Yes. Of course. Obviously it was very hard to deal with for the short amount of
00:59:00.740
time that I did deal with it, but I really didn't understand it. But why, again, I don't purport to
00:59:06.720
understand female psychology. Why, why was it so important to be financially independent? Like why not just
00:59:13.460
you know, you're obviously a charming, smart, good looking girl. Why not just like go
00:59:20.020
marry a rich hunk? You know, I was told that by people, including my dad, like you could be a
00:59:26.740
trophy wife. I was like, ew. Do we literally have a Gucci bag flung in front of my face and be like,
00:59:34.860
ah, ew. No, I'm a very independent person at heart and I never wanted to be controlled. I have a very
00:59:41.640
hard time being controlled. Like I feel like a bird. I want to fly, you know? And I was like,
00:59:47.100
I will not absolutely do that. But so many people that I met in my life were trophy wives or little
00:59:52.480
like sugar babies. I was so. A sugar baby. Yeah. I've heard about that on the whatever podcast.
00:59:57.220
I could never. Oh my gosh, never. I feel like I would overtake that man in a heartbeat. Like,
01:00:02.300
oh, I'd be like, nope. But I guess, sure, you don't want to be just a trophy wife or something
01:00:09.840
like that. But I guess in modernity, it seems like those are the two options that people think
01:00:16.560
they have. You can either be totally independent. I am woman, hear me roar. I'm going to go make all
01:00:21.340
the money. Or you can just be, you know, the Stepford wife or something. But like in a healthy
01:00:27.460
marriage, there is a mutual dependence. Yes. I'm very dependent on my wife. I consider myself
01:00:33.040
the head of my household. When rubber meets the road, you know, I'll step up. I'll be the macho man.
01:00:38.700
But in terms of practical life, my wife does a lot. I'm extremely dependent. She's the nurturer.
01:00:44.420
I would starve. She's like the homemaker. I would. I would be emaciated if my wife were not. Or,
01:00:48.560
you know, I don't know that I actually physically pay a single bill in my home. I don't. Could you
01:00:55.380
imagine if I were left with the kids for two days? What would happen? They'd probably have me tied up,
01:00:59.980
you know, hostage. And they just went around like crazy. You know, meaning, and beyond these very
01:01:04.960
practical things, there are even deeper kind of dependencies that I have for my wife. And she
01:01:09.500
has many for me too. You know, not to, I don't want to seem like I'm being falsely modest.
01:01:14.140
Right. You both bring a lot to the table. But it's like, it fits perfectly. Because again,
01:01:18.860
the wife is like the neck and the body, and the man is the head. You know, you can't walk around
01:01:24.580
without a head and the head cannot walk around without a body. Right. That's precisely, in fact,
01:01:29.960
that's the perfect image for it. So meaning at this time in your life, you think, well, I don't want
01:01:35.180
to be dependent on a man, particularly this schlub that I'm dating. So, but did you not have a sense
01:01:40.660
that you could have a good marriage? At the time, absolutely not. I was, I was just so, again,
01:01:50.560
numb. I was just like, you know, this is what I did. I need to accept the, you know, there's
01:01:57.120
consequences to your actions. I need to accept the consequences to these actions. And I had no idea
01:02:04.400
I was going to get radically saved by Christ. So in that form in my life, in that period of time,
01:02:09.800
I was like, you know what? I need to potentially understand that I could definitely be single for
01:02:15.320
the rest of my life. And that was a, it wasn't, it was a hard pill to swallow. So it did, that saddened
01:02:20.920
you to come to that realization. It did, absolutely. I was like, man, maybe I should have thought about
01:02:25.820
this a little more, you know? And again, I've had people in the industry who are still in the industry
01:02:31.860
get married, but I didn't want that. I didn't, I wanted to be out of the industry to get married.
01:02:37.620
I did not want my husband to have to accept that, you know, like, accept me, but not that.
01:02:45.080
Like, I didn't want to be married and be on OnlyFans, like, at all. What kind of a marriage is that?
01:02:49.700
What kind of, I don't, I would not understand that. One could, if one were in that predicament,
01:02:53.980
one could have a proper marriage, but you couldn't do it at, but you would have to quit OnlyFans.
01:03:00.500
Absolutely. You couldn't do it. Absolutely. Like, if I was a husband and my wife was on OnlyFans,
01:03:04.540
I'd be shocked. It'd be insane. It would be the insecurities that that door brings
01:03:10.900
for a husband and a wife. And the husband becomes a pimp. He's just a pimp, basically.
01:03:14.260
That's exactly what it is. A million percent. And that's like, you're encouraging it because what?
01:03:18.980
Your wife's making you money? Is money really that important? It was to me then, but oh my gosh,
01:03:24.880
my viewpoints have changed so much since then. Why was money so, I mean, look, I like having money.
01:03:29.920
It's nice. Yeah. But, and when I grew up, I didn't, we didn't have a lot of money. Me neither.
01:03:35.840
And I have more money now, certainly. And it's great. But actually, practically speaking,
01:03:42.120
I still wear pretty much the same clothes. My sweaters are a little nicer. And I still eat
01:03:48.140
pretty much the same food. Shaggy dog once a year. And, you know, I don't know. I still drink pretty
01:03:54.580
much the same drinks and smoke pretty much the same cigars. And practically, like, I guess there's a
01:03:59.120
number on a screen that is larger. But practically, it doesn't, at a certain point, it really doesn't
01:04:05.240
affect your life that much. I understand. It really doesn't. And I came to that point,
01:04:08.480
that conclusion that, you know, I was making millions and I didn't feel any different. I could
01:04:14.340
buy anything that I wanted and I still felt the exact same. And that feeling that I was feeling
01:04:21.340
was empty. You know, all that numbness was emptiness, like, complete and total emptiness
01:04:27.880
and unaware of that, for sure. But loneliness, emptiness, not feeling fulfilled. You know,
01:04:35.820
I was like a creator and I was like, oh, I'm being creative. But that's such a lie. Like,
01:04:41.040
that's not creative to spread your legs. It's not. It's not at all.
01:04:45.800
It's not even procreative. Not at all. Absolutely not. And I went through this really crazy time
01:04:53.400
where, you know, this was very recently, where for ending my OnlyFans career, I was feeling that
01:05:00.600
more and more on a day-to-day basis. And I had met my current husband now on TikTok.
01:05:08.720
Yes, that's good news. Yes, it's, it's very, very new news. Um, I have a husband. I got married.
01:05:22.720
So we're, we're filming this on, what day is it? Wednesday?
01:05:27.380
So, and have you made a public announcement about this?
01:05:30.280
So am I, I'm, I like the 15th person to find this out or something?
01:05:39.660
That's great. Well, one does, one does not congratulate a woman on getting married because
01:05:44.680
even though popularly people do it, but it's very, it's sort of offensive because you're
01:05:48.580
basically saying, oh, what, some man picked you? So really one says, best wishes. This
01:05:52.720
is marvelous. One congratulates the man who I haven't, I haven't met yet. I'm presumably
01:06:01.140
This was Easter Sunday, resurrection day. What better day to get married? But we were ready.
01:06:05.540
We were so ready. We knew months ago, like we wanted to get married to each other.
01:06:09.680
That saying truly stands where when you know, you know, like I could not be more sure,
01:06:16.380
like absolutely not. And this man was the one who introduced me to Christ again. You know,
01:06:21.680
I have this past with Christ where like I was a pastor's kid, but I never truly had a relationship
01:06:27.100
with God. I was just a pastor's kid under like some umbrella. And that's not a relationship at
01:06:32.160
all. That's like religion umbrella. So for me, he was the one who started speaking to me and praying
01:06:40.200
over me. We were just friends, like nothing romantic at all.
01:06:48.040
Is that the first good thing that's ever come out of TikTok?
01:06:51.520
A million percent. But it started as such an amazing friendship. And he lived in Virginia.
01:06:56.320
I lived in California. We didn't like touch or meet for months. We only spoke on FaceTime
01:07:02.720
almost every single day, all day long. Like I just, we got to know each other without any
01:07:09.100
physical touch, which is like my love language. So that was crazy for me.
01:07:17.880
Okay. This was crazy. So he does like live battling on TikTok. And I was just swiping one
01:07:23.700
night and he had, he's prior Air Force. And he had this like battle helmet on and like a bulletproof
01:07:31.640
like vest on. It was, it was amazing. And so he was in his like live room wearing that. And I was
01:07:39.200
just so curious. I was like, why does this guy look like he's about to go into battle?
01:07:41.860
Wait, you're telling me you marry this like giga Chad Air Force, like military guy, but he's also
01:07:50.400
Yes. I'm so lucky. I swear. Not even lucky. I'm blessed.
01:07:53.480
There's kind of a parallel with your, with your interest.
01:07:55.080
Yes. He's so blessed. But we met because I, I found him so funny on live. I was like,
01:08:01.760
who is this guy? Because every time he got a big gift, he'd like throw his chair. I just loved
01:08:08.000
his character. I was like, what? I have to get to know this guy. So we were just talking
01:08:12.680
nothing sexual at all, which was odd for me because of my past. And I had been single then
01:08:19.780
for about almost two years. I had taken a huge break from dating anyone. I was just like,
01:08:26.020
I'm done. I'm so done because of how my last relationship ended with the gay bader.
01:08:34.800
Anyway. So, um, we just started talking and it was a couple months before we met. We met in
01:08:40.240
Nashville for the first time. That's what we decided to meet. Yeah. So it was, it was so special.
01:08:45.660
Um, and again, he was not sexual with me in the least bit. He would barely hug me. And I loved that.
01:08:52.420
It was something about that that just like, I was like, wow. Like I was enthralled by it. I was so
01:08:58.880
happy and thankful, but I got to love him in such a different way. And it was like a being best
01:09:04.620
friends first. And he even said it. Um, he was like, you're my best friend. I don't talk to anyone
01:09:09.220
this much. I don't get along with anyone like this. And again, we're both kind of nerds. We both played
01:09:14.780
call of duty together, like while we were on FaceTime. And so it was, I've never played call of
01:09:20.240
duty. Really? We're both big gamers. Wow. That's cool. That's really cool. And then you meet up here
01:09:27.000
and hit the honky tonks or something. We stayed in two separate rooms. Yeah. I didn't want to do
01:09:33.420
anything. So were you, at this point you were off OnlyFans or you're still on? No, I was still on.
01:09:37.320
You're still on it, but you're, you're prudish about the sharing a hotel room with your boyfriend.
01:09:42.160
Oh, we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend. The first time we met, we were just friends. He had not asked
01:09:46.140
me to be his girlfriend yet. So, which is again, why I was very thankful. This is so, um, this is
01:09:52.260
really charming to me in a way, but you're, you're coming at this, at this point in your life,
01:09:57.680
you're a, you're a pornographic actress. You, you, you know, you kind of have some worldly wisdom at
01:10:03.940
this point, but you're, but you're saying like, well, you know, Teehee, he didn't ask me to go
01:10:09.360
steady yet. I didn't, he didn't pin me on his varsity jacket. So we weren't tech, but you know,
01:10:13.320
a boy and a girl meet up in the middle of the country, you know, probably it's not just to go get a
01:10:17.600
milkshake. They probably like each other and they- We do. We, we really found out then the first
01:10:22.240
time meeting in person, you know, okay, there's, there's some feelings. I'm not saying there wasn't
01:10:27.220
any feelings, but. Okay. So it wasn't just, because there's something very charming about this idea
01:10:32.400
that on the one hand, you know, you're, you've been kind of damaged by this awful career, but then
01:10:37.900
you, you also have this kind of innocence to, you know, like, does he like me? He likes me not.
01:10:42.920
I love exactly how I felt. And it was because of the way he treated me was so respectful.
01:10:47.300
You know, I, we were not in a relationship. And again, I hadn't been in a relationship for almost
01:10:51.960
two years. And I was, look, if, if I were to get into another relationship, I knew that it needed
01:10:58.800
to be different. Knew that from the bottom of my heart. So put a pause there. We'll return to Nashville
01:11:04.820
and the wedding. But then rewinding, you say two years, I was not in a relationship because I had this
01:11:11.100
like weirdo, uh, pimp slash gay performer boyfriend. And, uh, so at that point you say,
01:11:19.160
why wouldn't you say, instead of saying, I don't want to date another guy, why wouldn't you say,
01:11:24.640
well, I just want to date a better guy? Oh, that was probably part of it. But at the time I was just
01:11:29.660
so done. I was like, I really need a break. Whatever this break looks like, however long this break is,
01:11:35.000
I'll respect it. Did something happen? I mean, you mentioned all these steps. It's just the
01:11:38.540
relationship ended in such a weird and bad manner. Like we were so toxic. And so it was just like,
01:11:45.040
it was such an ick. Like I was like, I really need to be alone for a while. So, and I wanted to
01:11:51.100
grow and I'm okay being alone. I really am. So again, I'm an independent woman, so I can do anything.
01:11:58.080
So, um, but you mentioned, you say things kept getting worse and worse. And there were these
01:12:01.180
traumas and traumas that broke me down and built me up. Yeah. I assumed the breakup was one of
01:12:06.060
those. Oh, absolutely. It was. Okay. It was a very toxic, like year and a half with him. Very,
01:12:12.560
very toxic. Like he was much older than I was like in his thirties. And I'm, I was like 23, 23,
01:12:21.720
24, 24. So I was just like, he, he brought in a lot of different kind of life experience that I wasn't
01:12:30.400
like prone to or used to, or didn't know anything about. And it was very perverted. So I, it's just
01:12:38.440
like, how do you mean other than he's sexually perverted and, um, just the way he treated people
01:12:46.240
was very weird. And I didn't understand it because I treat people very well. I think I
01:12:53.280
really do. Cause I have, even at that time, did you? Yes, absolutely. I don't treat anyone with
01:12:57.640
disrespect. Uh, I really don't, I don't feel the need to. Um, but he, he just introduced me into a
01:13:04.260
lot of like weird things and yes. So it was a very toxic relationship. And so after that happened,
01:13:11.420
it was a very breaking point for me too. I think it was C.S. Lewis has an essay on sex versus love.
01:13:18.680
I could be, it's one of those guys like C.S. Lewis and, uh, no, no, I'm sorry. It's Fulton Sheen
01:13:23.580
in, uh, three to get married, Archbishop Fulton Sheen. And he says, uh, the difference here is
01:13:29.380
sex as we think of it is all about the self, right? It's about self-gratification. It's about
01:13:34.040
whatever weird stuff he was into that was perverse and whatever, you know, with you. And, uh, it's,
01:13:39.000
uh, just totally self-centered and love is, you know, willing the good of the other person for
01:13:44.120
his or her own sake. Um, and I, so to what do you ascribe this weirdo's, um, perversions? Is it just
01:13:54.180
like porn brain? He just, it's just that. Okay. Oh yeah. He had admitted from like multiple times
01:14:01.240
that he had been watching porn from such a young age and never stopped, never stopped. And just was
01:14:06.980
like, I guess curious or whatever. And at the time in my brain, I, I didn't see that as a red flag
01:14:12.220
until the end for sure. Um, but it's a, such a big red flag. Like his disassociation from what
01:14:21.120
love and sex, you know, it actually is, is not correct at all. So. But that probably, I mean,
01:14:28.740
you say he saw porn at a young age. Isn't the median age of exposure like 10 or 10? Yeah.
01:14:35.780
Absolutely. It is. So, so that's true for 90 plus percent of American men, maybe more.
01:14:42.220
Yeah. Uh, so the problem you're describing is not just with this particular weirdo, but it's
01:14:46.640
probably ubiquitous. Yeah. I would agree with that. Um, I don't know what percentage of men
01:14:52.040
that I've met that were that intense on that. So was he, he was like a full on, he just watch a ton
01:14:59.100
of porn, not just performing it, but watch it. Yes. Okay. Yes. Um, even down to say like when he even
01:15:05.560
told me like when we were intimate that he was thinking of other women and it, I, I, I'm speechless
01:15:13.740
still. I have nothing to say to that. That's delusional. Well, not just, it's not, it's very
01:15:23.420
disrespectful certainly to say it. Oh, for sure. And very disordered to do it. But also it truly then
01:15:29.120
just turns you into like a, uh, piece of meat, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a sex doll.
01:15:37.380
Yeah. I'm not special at all. Like he could put a, uh, like a picture. Yeah. Yeah. And when he told
01:15:42.000
me that that was very near the end of our relationship, but it's stuck in my head. So
01:15:46.020
hardcore. I was like, so this whole time I have not been anything much to you understood. Like I get
01:15:52.800
it. So yeah, that was, oh yeah. Icky. Very icky. Very icky to put it diplomatically. But yeah.
01:16:02.180
Well, that's just awful. So, okay. So you give him the boot mercifully and then,
01:16:07.740
and then that's it. I mean, is that the moment where you say, all right, I got to start getting
01:16:12.460
out of this thing or no? I got out of porn. I stopped doing porn actively. Like I, because at
01:16:17.420
that point I had made so much content. I was just like, I don't even care. Like. So just passive
01:16:21.740
income. Just passive income. Truly. Um, I really started slowing down on things a little bit.
01:16:27.140
I just, I really needed some clarity after that relationship. And I traveled a lot. I went to
01:16:33.560
Europe for the first time by myself. I picked up some crazy hobbies like martial arts, um, speaking
01:16:39.240
Japanese, um, bow staffing, nunchucks, like weapons training and fight choreography. It was very odd.
01:16:46.360
But again, I'm like, uh, I'm an anime watcher and I love fight scenes. So I was just like,
01:16:51.520
so enthralled in that world. And I took martial arts as a kid and I just really wanted to get
01:16:56.060
back into it. So I started like spending time on my self-growth instead of growing someone else,
01:17:04.020
Or even, even the porn thing. One time a friend of mine was making money streaming,
01:17:11.740
And you've done that too. Okay. This is like a novel idea to me. And so, and he was making a lot
01:17:16.540
of money. And he said, well, I'm not going to do it anymore. I said, why not? It's free money,
01:17:20.240
man. I don't know. You're getting... Like if I got paid to smoke cigars... Actually,
01:17:22.760
I do kind of get paid to smoke cigars. But that's a recent turn of it.
01:17:26.380
Right. I do it all the time though, right? And, uh, but he said, no, but the problem is
01:17:30.680
you spend a lot of time getting really good at playing the video game and maybe you make
01:17:35.480
some money doing it. But the skill is not transferable and it doesn't lead to anything
01:17:42.920
Absolutely. It is exactly like porn. There, it's not a college degree. You don't graduate
01:17:47.820
away from anything. You don't learn anything. You just wasted so much time on the internet.
01:17:51.980
Like that's it. Like porn is the exact same thing. It is a waste of time. And then the
01:17:58.680
things that you're introduced to into porn, even if you don't go into like mainstream
01:18:02.300
porn or anything like signing with companies or whatever, which I never did.
01:18:06.800
Never did. I, I, my thought process was I want to be exclusive. You know, again, I'd only
01:18:11.660
had three partners in five years. So I was like, I don't want, I don't care if I'm offered
01:18:18.660
a lot of money. I'm already making great money and I don't want to be out there like that.
01:18:23.860
Even though I'm on the internet in that terrible fashion, I didn't want to be signed. And then
01:18:30.360
that stuff be used, even if I didn't want it to be used.
01:18:35.560
Like, but surely whatever videos and pictures you made, it's still leaked.
01:18:41.840
So they're still circulating, right? It's not like you can actually, yeah, I can, I actually
01:18:45.700
have a lawyer working on that now for me because they can write legal letters to the sites that
01:18:50.360
have leaked them and be like, it's stated in my OnlyFans that you cannot copy and repost
01:18:55.660
this so they could get charged for that. So it's, I'm literally working on that right
01:19:01.040
now with my lawyer to get that stuff off the internet as much as I possibly can.
01:19:05.920
So, and it's free to me, you know what I'm saying? They stole it and are liable for it.
01:19:12.620
So you, you decided to stop actively making porn at this point and you're not even posting
01:19:18.960
I was, but it was just stuff that I had already had. Like at that point I had been on OnlyFans
01:19:24.140
for like almost four years. So it's like four years of content that I just, I didn't have
01:19:29.140
to do anything. You know, I just throw it back. It's recycling.
01:19:32.720
But it's basically called. And so I just kind of took a little bit of a break and was working
01:19:37.600
the site, but not making anything for it. You know what I'm saying? So again, I just
01:19:57.420
So, and you do all this and then, but you're alone and you're not dating anyone. So then
01:20:07.480
That was the next thing. Some time had passed, obviously, but that was it. Like that was like
01:20:12.300
I took a lot of time off and then we, I felt not whole, but I had felt like I had gotten
01:20:20.160
some healing and some real life experience to be able to, you know, meet somebody and
01:20:27.060
create a relationship with them, a friendship with them. And it was the opposite sex, but
01:20:33.200
he had treated me in such a respectful way that I was able to respect him.
01:20:38.560
Like in no way that I've been able to anyone else, you know, because of the way he treated
01:20:46.020
And not about my body or what I looked like or what he could get from me. He never asked
01:20:50.980
for anything from me. And he knew like everything from day one. I told him like from day one,
01:20:58.880
Do you know I do this? I wanted to be very open and honest.
01:21:02.340
Well, if we were going to have anything, I wanted this to be truthful. I didn't want
01:21:09.080
to go into anything in a lie. I'm a very truthful person anyway. Like I was just like, hey, this
01:21:14.900
is what it is. If it doesn't work out, at least I don't know you for that long and it won't
01:21:18.640
hurt that bad. Right. So I wanted to just rip off the bandaid fairly fast. His response
01:21:23.000
was so nonchalant. It was just basically like, okay, all right. All right. And then-
01:21:35.580
Absolutely. Absolutely. He had no idea who I was and like was just kind of like crazed
01:21:40.600
that I came in his life kind of thing, which is like, who is this person kind of thing?
01:21:44.300
And we've talked about it a couple of times after and just been like going back to that
01:21:48.540
point of when you met kind of thing is just so, it creates another spark again, you know?
01:21:52.940
Just gets to really re-fall in love with them. But so he had no idea until I told him and
01:21:59.340
you know, his first reaction was like, okay, cool. But then, you know, as time came, a question
01:22:04.040
started coming and I was all like, bet I knew questions were going to come. And I was very
01:22:09.300
here, very much so here to answer you honestly, because I want you to know. And so, you know,
01:22:14.580
once we started kind of getting a little bit more serious, like, I was like, we need to
01:22:20.160
really dive into this. You know what I'm saying? But the whole time he was like sending me verses,
01:22:26.040
like Bible verses, sending me videos of him saying like, hey, I'm praying for you. I just,
01:22:30.840
I want to just like be here for you no matter what. You are my best friend, no matter if this
01:22:35.320
goes anywhere or not, we're best friends. And he literally said this. He was like, in 10 years,
01:22:40.160
I'm going to prove you wrong. Like, I will be here in 10 years. Like, and no one, I have never
01:22:45.480
had anyone in my life other than my family be there for me in 10, you know, for 10 consecutive
01:22:49.320
years. So I was like, what? Like, what is this guy talking about? This guy sounds great and I look
01:22:54.060
forward to meeting him after the interview. The only spot where I'd say maybe he and I see things
01:22:59.040
differently is, this has been a debate with my wife. Okay. Who is, I've known my wife since we were
01:23:04.120
about 10 years old. Yeah. And she had a crush on me in eighth grade, but you know, star-crossed and
01:23:09.740
then I had a crush on her ninth grade, star-crossed. But then we got together and, you know, the whole
01:23:13.920
story. I love every moment that I spend with my wife. Some married couples don't actually like
01:23:21.220
spending time together. No, my parents are one of them. Apparently, yeah. But she and I really do.
01:23:26.680
That said, she'll say, Mac, am I your best friend? I'll say, no, you're not my best friend. My best
01:23:34.100
friend is my best friend. In other words, the best friend is an office in my life. It is a role that I
01:23:42.260
have in my life. And my buddy is my best friend. And maybe your best friend maybe is the best man
01:23:48.560
in your wedding. Maybe, you know, you're the godfather of each other's kids. Maybe you're,
01:23:52.600
you know, something like that. But that that's a role. And you, my dear, you are something in a way
01:23:57.740
better than my best friend. You're my wife. Yeah. And there's, there are different types of love and
01:24:04.460
that involve friendship and erotic love and the divine love and all these things. But whatever
01:24:11.600
it is, yours is a little bit different. I promise you, I do not love him in the way that I love you.
01:24:16.300
Right. But for you and your husband, you would say, no, we are. I did marry my best friend. Yes.
01:24:21.980
Okay. The only reason being because I think you can have different roles in a relationship.
01:24:25.740
You, uh, in marriage specifically, like you can be a mentor to that person as well.
01:24:32.360
You can be in a friendship, a best friend friendship kind of with that person because
01:24:37.480
like, you're not always just like two love birds. You go through things. And the things that I find
01:24:43.800
with my husband is that we take very long walks together and we love to talk about things. And when
01:24:50.480
he has an issue or something, he comes directly to me. And when I have an issue, I go directly to him.
01:24:55.740
Like we tell each other literally everything. And that is like a best friend. Um, but also he takes
01:25:02.500
on other roles as being the protector, the provider, and I'm here to be the nurturer, the homemaker,
01:25:09.180
the supporter in like emotionally supportive, you know? And, um, when I say emotional support,
01:25:15.720
I am so thankful that God truly met me where I was because I now feel emotions. Like it was crazy.
01:25:26.320
Like the minute I, God met me in my living room, I started feeling like it was crazy because it was
01:25:34.700
a phenomenon of years and years and years of being numb and then feeling alone. And I, it was like a
01:25:42.040
puzzle piece with a piece missing. And that piece was like the best part of it. You know,
01:25:47.800
like the actual heart of it was gone. And I had this moment with God where I was like
01:25:54.060
feeling all of this. And I was sobbing in my living room, sobbing. This was after I met Jordan
01:25:59.960
before we became boyfriend and girlfriend, but I was at my wits end. I had everything around me.
01:26:06.160
I lived in a 4,200 square foot home, which was like $3.5 million. I drove a Porsche. I had any
01:26:11.760
designer bag that you could want. I have a ginormous closet. I have everything.
01:26:29.660
Yeah. But man, that was the biggest point of all of this was like money doesn't matter.
01:26:36.200
It did not bring me true joy. Like you can be happy. Like, oh, I just got a new bag. Cool.
01:26:42.900
But that's not joy. Like the joy that the Lord gives you is like, well, one, he says it's your
01:26:48.320
strength. But the joy that I have now is nothing compared to worldly happiness. Like worldly things
01:26:55.820
will tell you like, oh, you need these things truly, which is crap. Materialistic things are crap.
01:27:01.100
You know, for me, that's how I feel. I'm not trying to offend anybody on that manner.
01:27:05.560
I mean, I like certain, actually the main thing that I spend money on, I literally light on fire.
01:27:12.820
But otherwise, I don't, I really don't like it. And like if I, if I saw a woman,
01:27:18.320
like the thing you're describing is what I would say. I don't like it. I don't, I have no desire to
01:27:22.640
have a Porsche. I have no desire to have a, you know, a Prada handbag. I guess most men don't.
01:27:27.440
I, but that kind of thing. And if I saw a woman walking around, you know, with like rocks all over
01:27:32.680
her hand and bags and in a Porsche, I would actually find that repellent.
01:27:38.320
Yeah, absolutely. And I, I got to look at myself in like this magnifying glass or like God did,
01:27:44.100
I want to say, like with a flashlight in the darkness, you know? Um, and I didn't understand
01:27:49.600
what I was feeling, but I just knew it was like this outpour of emotion that I had not felt in
01:27:54.600
such a long time. So I was like, wow. Like, and what's crazy is I was in my living room, my huge
01:28:00.280
living room. And I, the couple of days prior, I had gotten my Bible out to sit on a shelf because I
01:28:06.700
needed something in that shelving cabinet and it was just out.
01:28:09.920
It was like an old Bible you had as a kid or more recently?
01:28:11.960
It was a Bible that I had since 2009. It was a birthday gift from my parents. So I,
01:28:17.160
I wrote the date and everything, which is why I remember that, but it was out and I was sobbing
01:28:22.100
in my living room and I just wanted an answer for why I was feeling this way, why I never felt
01:28:29.180
anything and like why my life just felt like it probably wasn't going to go anywhere. Right.
01:28:35.220
At this point, I'm like, what's the point of all this money when I don't have feelings
01:28:40.240
or I don't have a person or I don't have kids. I have nothing but materialistic things that
01:28:51.360
Like monetary worth is worth truly nothing. But the special part is, is that like I was
01:28:56.780
sobbing. I was looking at my fireplace. I grabbed the Bible and I just like sat there and I was
01:29:01.540
just like praying. I was just like, God, I wasn't blaming God. I was just like, God,
01:29:08.400
why do I feel this way? Like, what is it that I'm doing wrong? Obviously porn, bling, bling,
01:29:19.220
But it was this special point where God decided to truly meet me where I was. And it's not like
01:29:24.500
he was far from me. It was that I was far from him and that I was like, God, I need an answer
01:29:31.540
now. I truly need an answer now. And he was like, all you ever needed was me. So all I ever
01:29:38.500
needed was him. I literally not only saw that in my brain, but like heard it. And that was all he
01:29:46.140
needed to say to me for it to like manifest and to like to sink into my heart and my brain. And I
01:29:52.680
just kept thinking that over and over and over again. And it wasn't in that moment that I had
01:29:57.160
truly repented or anything. It was that I needed an answer. And he gave me an answer.
01:30:02.180
What's funny about that answer, St. Thomas Aquinas, a very famous story about St. Thomas Aquinas' life,
01:30:07.540
one of, if not the most intelligent person ever to walk the earth. And he writes the Summa Theologiae
01:30:13.140
Theologiae and many other works. And at the end of his life, it's a vision of God. And God says,
01:30:19.180
you have written well of me, Thomas. What would you have? What would you like me to give you?
01:30:23.840
And his answer is nothing but you, Lord. Wow. And that's the same answer that you got.
01:30:28.400
Amen. It's so amazing how simple God answers you. And it speaks so much power in life. It spoke life
01:30:36.960
into me because I was like, at that point, I was like, okay, God, strip me now. Like this is now
01:30:44.180
time to like start peeling away the onion. You know, it's going to make my eyes water, which I'm
01:30:49.620
crying, but I need this stripped away. No matter what this next part looks like, I am ready for,
01:30:56.280
because I know I need a change. I cannot do this anymore. So I told Jordan, my husband now,
01:31:03.740
that I needed, I had that interaction with God. He was so rejoiced, like had told his mom even
01:31:11.080
about it. And his mom is an amazing mother-in-law to me and is a full, full believer in Christ and
01:31:18.740
has helped me in this journey so much by praying, giving me scripture, being there for me. And it was
01:31:25.420
truly a domino effect after that. After that moment, I had one, we had went to a new church and it was
01:31:31.620
crazy because God always provides because they were doing baptisms in that, that church that we
01:31:37.580
had just, this was the first Sunday we were going there. They were doing baptisms and the baptisms
01:31:41.860
were just ending when we got there. And I felt so heavily that God was telling me, go get baptized
01:31:48.900
right now. I was in jeans and like a collared shirt. And I was like, I got to go get baptized right
01:31:54.420
now. Like right this very second, I need to be saved. I need to be rededicated to Christ.
01:32:02.560
Probably when I was like seven, something like that. So many years ago. But then they were done
01:32:09.320
baptizing people. Like the guy was out of the pool. And I went over there in like tears. And I was like,
01:32:16.360
I need to get baptized. Please baptize me. And they were just so sweet and so heartwarming and just took
01:32:25.100
me in. And they were like, here's a t-shirt. Here's some shorts. Like go get changed and we'll
01:32:30.100
baptize you right now. And I was like, thank you, Jesus. So I got baptized and I want people to
01:32:36.160
understand like when you truly accept Jesus in your heart, it is like a, you know, when Jesus died on
01:32:42.360
the cross, the veil tore, correct? Like it was the separation was now completely divided between like
01:32:48.700
the old law, you know, is now no longer. And that Jesus had covered everyone's sins in his blood.
01:32:55.820
So it was like this veil had torn. I was like blinking. And I was like, why does everything
01:33:02.920
look different? Like this is the same room, but it looks different. And then when I go outside,
01:33:08.320
the sun is even brighter and the trees are even greener and it is, I can smell. And I was crying
01:33:17.340
and I have feelings. And I was like, shocked for the next couple of days I spent just basically crying.
01:33:26.040
Like I was so overwhelmed with emotion again. And I was okay with it. It wasn't sadness. It was just,
01:33:31.940
I have so much emotion. It wasn't like I'm PMSing. It was true emotion, which anyone,
01:33:38.260
out there wants to say I'm like on my period or something, it wasn't anything like that.
01:33:43.300
It was raw emotion and joy for what God had helped me get through and put the peace in the puzzle
01:33:52.540
that was missing. And again, I wasn't, I wasn't dating Jordan yet. Like we were still just best
01:33:58.060
friends. And so, but he's there, he's there. He was recording and he hugged me right out of the pool.
01:34:03.920
I soaked him, but he was there full heartedly leading me, telling me like, I am so proud of you,
01:34:12.320
mama. That's why he calls me mama. And he is just so supportive in that. And after that, like our,
01:34:19.640
my relationship with Christ continued. And then I felt, I felt a big weighing on my heart
01:34:26.680
to delete my OnlyFans and to, it started kind of slow. But after that, like once the Holy Spirit,
01:34:34.080
you know, comes inside you and like really resides with you, you really start feeling conviction for
01:34:40.940
things that like are wicked inside of you. And I asked God, like, what is it that I can do?
01:34:46.940
You know, every day it was like more my prayer. Like, you know, what is it that I can do to be better?
01:34:51.900
What's curious about this to me is you mentioned, well, at this point, you know, the Holy Spirit is
01:34:56.580
with me, but, but obviously the Holy Spirit was, was there with you previously because he spoke to
01:35:01.400
you. And, and you know, the, the traditional view, the reason I asked about if you had been
01:35:06.080
baptized earlier is the traditional view is that one is baptized once for the forgiveness of sins,
01:35:10.580
but yet this second expression, you know, of the sacrament clearly had a, at the very least,
01:35:18.420
a psychological effect on you. Meaning you said, oh, you know, I'm, because we're incarnate creatures
01:35:23.180
because the body matters, right? So you're, you're saying I've come through this. I'm sopping,
01:35:27.200
sopping wet. And I see in 3D now and everything's vivid and colorful. And I feel God in an even
01:35:33.820
closer way, but he was, he was there talking to me before and, oh, right. I've got to delete my
01:35:39.020
OnlyFans. At this point, you still had your OnlyFans. Yeah. But you weren't producing new content,
01:35:43.160
but it was still there. Anything. Making you money. You know, the biggest thing about when I got
01:35:46.620
baptized when I was seven was one, I barely remember it. And two, I was seven. Like how
01:35:51.540
many sins was I doing other than potentially lying to my parents about certain things and like,
01:35:56.400
you know, stealing a cookie or, but I was seven. Like, I really don't remember being seven years
01:36:02.400
old. So, and it wasn't my relationship with Christ. I remember my parents being like, oh my,
01:36:07.920
all their kids are getting baptized, you know? And that was it. Like, I'm under my parents.
01:36:11.820
It doesn't either. Oh, okay. I don't. I was about seven days old, I think.
01:36:16.380
Oh, okay. Well, that explains it. But I don't, maybe at some point I'll have a recollection.
01:36:20.660
But, but, but, so what you're, it seems to me you're saying, I, I've lived this whole life
01:36:26.660
and I felt that I didn't, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but it seems like you're saying
01:36:30.780
you felt you couldn't have a connection with him. You had, all these sins were accumulating and you felt no
01:36:36.740
valve to the, you know. Well, sin, if you're living in sin, sin feels fine. You don't feel
01:36:42.680
convicted for it because you're, you're like, why, the Holy Spirit wasn't gone from me. It was,
01:36:47.660
I was not listening to the Holy Spirit. Right. And you had severed, I mean, you're, you're describing
01:36:51.200
severing, sanctifying grace, right? I mean, you're, so you, and, but, and you just kind of go along
01:36:55.560
with it and you're like, oh, well. Oh, well, it feels good. Pleasure and sin feels good for a time.
01:37:01.040
Right. But like it, it, like when that veil like tore, it was my relationship with Christ.
01:37:09.460
Like it wasn't me being seven years old because my parents told me to get baptized kind of
01:37:13.600
relationship. It was, I choose Christ. I choose to believe in Jesus Christ, um, that he died on
01:37:19.940
the cross for my sins. Father, I'm sorry for my past. I'm sorry for what I'm currently doing
01:37:25.600
and I'm sorry for my future sins. But that's the amazing thing about Christ is because he
01:37:30.780
died on the cross for not just our past sins, but our present and future sins. Like he knew
01:37:36.100
we were going to mess up over and over and over and over again. But it's not like a one
01:37:40.080
time, I'm sorry. It is a, you repent and then you listen to the Holy Spirit to live in Christ's
01:37:48.880
steps. It is not like, I'm forgiven, go back. Right. It is not that at all.
01:37:54.220
In antiquity, sometimes emperors and rulers would delay baptism, uh, because, you know,
01:38:03.020
there are seven sacraments traditionally in the church. One of which is, uh, reconciliation,
01:38:07.520
confession, you know, you get on the knees and you receive absolution, but baptism. But in,
01:38:12.000
in antiquity, sometimes a baptism would be delayed or, or confession would be delayed.
01:38:18.020
Because, uh, there was a sense that, um, you know, you couldn't really do it all the
01:38:22.280
time. And so you wanted to, if you're, if you're a Roman emperor, say, um, you're going
01:38:27.380
to, you might be doing some bad things. You might, it might happen. And so there was a kind
01:38:32.080
of a sense of, all right, I'm going to delay this a little bit. Uh, at least, um, at least
01:38:36.420
that's, that's how we think of it historically. But to your point, uh, no, you, so you, you receive
01:38:42.540
baptism, but, and you've repented and you've changed your mind, but there's still going
01:38:47.500
to be an inclination to commit sins. And you actually almost certainly will commit sins.
01:38:51.440
So there has to be some, the, you know, the Catholic traditional view is that there's a,
01:38:55.680
the sacrament of reconciliation, but, uh, even, even if you ignore the sacramental view for
01:39:02.160
a second, it's like a, it's like a continual repentance, right? That you're living, you're
01:39:08.520
Right. You are, and you are made very aware of your sins because the Holy Spirit is with
01:39:13.200
you and convicting you of them. But it's not like, oh, I messed up. And now like, I've
01:39:18.280
already asked for forgiveness. I will not be forgiven.
01:39:20.920
You need to continue asking for forgiveness and growth and help ask God to help you grow
01:39:27.140
in the areas that you continue to sin in, whether it be sexual or lying or hopefully not
01:39:33.060
murdering people. Like God help me stop murdering people.
01:39:43.300
Yeah. But I mean, it's in a way where you really, you could do it. You could not, you
01:39:48.060
could be only vaguely aware that you're doing it and then.
01:39:50.240
Right. But it's being downplayed so much in your brain because you don't want to believe
01:39:55.380
But then you imagine, you know, imagine the horror. You wake up and you think, oh man,
01:40:00.080
My, and they're my babies too. And that, you know, so there's really no, um, no limit to,
01:40:07.240
to the, I mean, this is partially why it's a quirk of history that, uh, many of the greatest
01:40:13.660
saints thought they were the worst sinners. And we look at them and we say, oh, you were
01:40:17.780
wrong. But actually probably they had a better perception of sin.
01:40:23.960
Because when you live under Christ's ruling, you understand and like you see sin for what
01:40:29.140
it is. Like when Paul says, I'm the cheapest of sinners, I feel very similar to that because
01:40:33.160
of what I was doing, what I have done. I'm like, wow, I am such a sinner. Like I feel
01:40:41.440
So then what, what do you do with, you've been living this particular lifestyle and, and
01:40:47.240
cultivating all sorts of habits and tastes and desires. Even put the sex step aside for
01:40:52.120
the handbags and the Porsche and the money or whatever. How much money are you walking
01:40:56.940
Wow. Not a lot, especially after taxes. So I, um, I haven't paid taxes this year yet,
01:41:01.280
but I made like 2.6 million last year. So I have to pay taxes on that.
01:41:08.580
You have to sell some handbags depending on how the whole thing goes.
01:41:09.480
Yeah. Thankfully I was very smart with my money since the beginning as in, uh, investing
01:41:14.100
it in like a brokerage account, um, life insurance policy, stuff like that.
01:41:17.980
I was very, uh, in tune with that part because I do know so many people when they make money
01:41:23.140
like this, they blow it and I could never understand why. But a lot of my reasoning for
01:41:28.620
doing this, making this kind of money was like, oh, I'm providing for my future, you
01:41:33.480
But, but I mean, even, so look, you're, you're walking away from a lot of money, uh, but also
01:41:39.300
you've cultivated all these habits and desires over the years. I'm just speaking from my own
01:41:45.620
experience. I was an atheist for 10 years, lived like kind of a, you know, not a liberal,
01:41:49.660
but like a libertarian. So, you know, uh, you do you kind of stuff, you know, go out,
01:41:56.140
hit the bar, hit the parties. And, um, it's very difficult to tamp down a bad habit and it's
01:42:05.620
I definitely have an opinion on that. So it's not even opinion. I think that when Christ really
01:42:13.060
saved me or when I accepted Jesus into my heart, those bad habits like got cut. It was
01:42:23.580
And I know that's crazy to think of, but when you're living fully in sin and then you get
01:42:30.880
saved, it is literally black and white. You know what I'm saying? I, I find those things
01:42:37.400
repelling now. Yeah. If I, even, oh, I'd say it took like a full month of really, because
01:42:46.460
like I was asking God, like, okay, like in Psalm 139, it talks about, instead of calling
01:42:51.160
out what's wrong with your neighbor and asking God, like fix my neighbor, ask what like is
01:42:56.420
wrong with you kind of thing. But like, where's like, draw the wickedness in my heart so that
01:43:01.000
I can get closer to Christ. So that's what I was doing. And he spoke to me, like even
01:43:06.200
about down to like my clothing, like I was like, I need to be more modest. Like I am
01:43:11.720
not here to make others lust, like not even just online, but when I walk in person and in
01:43:17.400
public, I need to be modest. And that was something I could never capture in my brain.
01:43:22.340
Um, but like now it is so, I'm so aware of it. Like I find myself like, even when I'm
01:43:29.820
shopping online, I'm so critical of it. Like, I love it. I'm so happy about these like changes.
01:43:36.520
I literally sold all of my designer bags. I sold my Porsche. I literally drive a Jeep now.
01:43:43.100
Um, I'm very, very happy. It's a great car. I love that car. I'm an off-road girl. So I love it.
01:43:50.180
But, um, it's funny you mentioned the clothing. I remember I was like 13. I was taking a standardized
01:43:58.220
test in school and all these girls in class at this time, the solo company had these very tight
01:44:07.620
pants that all the girls started wearing. It's like they were wearing tights, but it was supposedly
01:44:11.680
pants. And I remember I'm looking around, we're all trying to take this test. And I said, I have
01:44:16.260
an unfair disadvantage here because all these girls are like barely wearing anything. It's all
01:44:21.420
like the skin tight stuff. And I'm a, I'm a boy in puberty. I'm a teenage boy and I'm going to be,
01:44:27.920
they're not distracted by my, you know, like leather jacket, but I am very distracted. This is wrong.
01:44:33.620
This is wrong for them to do this. I don't think they did it intentionally. No, I love that point of
01:44:38.620
view though. I'm so interested in the male point of view, you know, because it talks about how like
01:44:43.920
men fall in love because they're seeing women fall in love because they're hearing. Right, right.
01:44:50.440
Right. So like, that's why women wear makeup. They dress nice. They want to be appealing to the eyes
01:44:56.260
of men. Correct. So like, and women can be fooled by men sometimes. You say women, women fall in love
01:45:04.300
because they're hearing. Well, this justifies all my cigars over the years, you know, so I can deepen
01:45:08.700
my voice a little. I've actually, I've always understood that men are more visual, but I'd never
01:45:14.760
understood that about women. I think so. We'll think about like words of affirmation. Like women
01:45:18.900
want to be told they're beautiful and blah, blah, blah. Like, does it really matter to you very much
01:45:23.620
about if like your wife calls you handsome? I'm sure it means something. Sexy all the time. She needs to
01:45:27.960
wake me up. She says, hey, hunk, get over here. You sexy, you. Come open this bottle of pickles for me,
01:45:34.180
you. Yeah. Alpha male. I want to hear that every day. Yeah. No, it's, it's not top on the list.
01:45:40.180
Oh my God. Like we care, like women care about what a man looks like. Yeah, yeah. But it's not
01:45:46.540
like what we fall in love with. Right. Right. Like the swooning of it all. Right, right. So, um,
01:45:53.740
that's a great insight. And I'm, I'm impressed by the, by the notion that, uh, that the bad habits
01:46:03.240
go away overnight. For me, I had a kind of a rat. I, when you say I had this moment,
01:46:07.080
like in my room where the, I had a very similar experience. Really? I was in New York. I was in
01:46:11.980
the Bronx, actually. It was kind of the culmination of a few things. But then there really was this
01:46:16.300
moment. I called my grandmother. I said, I just had an epiphany. Went home and I made a sauce. I was
01:46:21.400
just kind of processing everything and, uh, opened up a Bible and it was, it was one of those moments.
01:46:25.680
But there was a disconnect for me between intellectual conviction. Okay. Uh, no,
01:46:33.580
like logic. Yeah. Logic and seeing things differently. Okay. The world actually looked
01:46:37.340
different. But the fact that I cultivated certain habits and desires, especially living in New York
01:46:44.180
where, you know, everyone goes out and parties and drinks and gallivants all night. I had,
01:46:51.000
the, the habits were a little slower than the intellect and which is a view that, you know,
01:46:57.600
Aristotle observed way back when, which is that, you know, that you, you learn the intellectual
01:47:02.560
virtues through teaching, but the moral virtues, you got to kind of just do them and it takes a
01:47:07.060
little time. So now we're talking about a reversion that was 10 years ago for me. So happy to say,
01:47:13.560
you know, I feel much more in control of my, uh, will now, but at first I felt actually something
01:47:21.280
of a chasm between what I now saw to be true incontrovertibly and my own behavior or at the
01:47:29.520
very least my own desires. Understood. But not for you. So I, it's funny you speak about logic because
01:47:35.500
I went through this very tough point before my OnlyFans was gone was that I'm thinking,
01:47:41.660
I'm trying to think logically and spiritually, right? So I'm a baby Christian again and I'm like,
01:47:47.660
but I need to make money. Logic. Yeah. You know, I, you need to be financially stable somewhat.
01:47:53.760
That's my logical side. I mean, you've done pretty well. But then there's your spiritual side. Yeah.
01:47:57.460
Right. You might, maybe not retire, but you could maybe, you know, you, you could take a few months.
01:48:01.220
Not retire for sure, but for sure, maybe, maybe a year. A few, yeah. Yeah. So, um,
01:48:06.400
but for me, like that was my logic, my humanly logic being like, oh, I need to make money. Like
01:48:13.340
Miss fear almost about the future and what it looked like without this kind of finances. And
01:48:19.640
so this is what I encourage other women in. Cause I've had quite a few women after I came out,
01:48:24.120
um, of OnlyFans being like, Hey, how do I quit OnlyFans? And I know this is something they're
01:48:30.200
thinking about finances. This is the whole point of getting on OnlyFans is for finances. Correct?
01:48:35.900
Well, is it? Oh, okay. I think it's a very split conversation there, but like attention and
01:48:42.700
finances, feeling loved that you didn't have. Feeling loved, um, whatever rebellion they're
01:48:47.280
coming out of or going into. Yes, for sure. But finances are a key factor, right? Cause I don't
01:48:53.300
know anyone who is in the OnlyFans industry doing it for free. I don't know one person. I really don't.
01:48:59.020
So, uh, but, um, for me, that was the logic side. And then there's the spiritual side where God is
01:49:05.420
literally telling me to let it go and let God, but I don't mean that as a cliche, but like,
01:49:10.220
how can he bless me when I'm holding onto the things of this world and yet proclaiming to be
01:49:15.500
a Christian? You know, how can I be wearing sinful looking, immodest clothing and being like,
01:49:22.860
I live for Christ. When other men are watching me on the, like when I would just walk into Walmart
01:49:27.420
or something and lusting after me, like I couldn't help it if I'm wearing baggy clothes and they're like,
01:49:32.760
wow, I don't know how that would work. But like, if I'm just wearing baggy clothes and I'm just,
01:49:37.440
you know, chilling and they're lusting, that's not my fault. I've done everything at that point
01:49:41.620
to cover myself and be modest. But it's funny, logic does not always align with the spiritual
01:49:48.980
and it just doesn't. I find that it does. In the opening lines of the gospel of St. John,
01:49:57.720
in the beginning was the logos, the word. And the word was with God.
01:50:03.640
The word was with God and was God. But the word for word there is logos, from which we get logical.
01:50:09.240
So at least in my view, I'm not a theologian, but it seems to me that reason and faith are in fact
01:50:17.280
united. Right. And certainly in Christianity. And so if there ever appears to be a discrepancy
01:50:26.040
between the two, you've got an error in one or the other. So I'm not disputing the feeling that
01:50:34.760
you're describing. But it does seem to me that, like, there's a modern poem, I forget the name
01:50:44.280
and who wrote it, that observes that sin is so much, there's all the suffering and all this terrible
01:50:51.800
stuff. But it's just so stupid. It's such a waste of time. It's so illogical. When, if you can think
01:50:57.940
about sins, especially like the weird sex stuff, and you can just kind of zoom out, take the pain
01:51:02.160
and the suffering and just kind of look at it, the people look absurd, right? It's like a guy in his
01:51:08.340
dark room with a lot of blinds, looking at like you, making a funny face. It's so illogical. It's
01:51:16.220
so absurd. And our Lord, when you read the scriptures, and especially when you read his
01:51:21.740
words in the gospels, I don't know, it strikes me as this is the most logical man that's ever lived.
01:51:27.600
I agree with that point of view completely. Like, yes, this makes sense. It's logical
01:51:33.240
when I'm reading in the Bible and then applying it to my life and it's working. Like, you know what
01:51:38.900
I'm saying? That's logical, absolutely. But what I'm saying is there were people who I came to who
01:51:45.260
were, I was like, I'm quitting, I'm going to be quitting OnlyFans, like friends of mine who were
01:51:50.120
like, that's not logical. You're not even producing content on it, but you're making money. It's not
01:51:55.480
logical. It's free money. That's exactly what I heard. So when I compare logic, that was their logic.
01:52:01.660
But theirs is the logic of the free lunch, you know? Well, there's no such thing as a free lunch.
01:52:06.820
Always strings attached or like, you know, the cafeteria lady has hair in it, you know?
01:52:11.380
Like that is the free lunch. But I understand that you're, if I were in your shoes, I would
01:52:16.160
have been very tempted to say, look, I already made this stuff. It's already out there. It's free
01:52:20.820
money. I was tempted, but then I really had to pray about it and was like, I'm struggling with
01:52:28.160
this God. Like this is my logic about it, but it is not, it is not what God has for my life.
01:52:35.860
You know, this is not what God calls like a woman of God doing at all. Like I am supposed to be
01:52:43.280
truly diving into Christ and his love and modesty and learning what a wife looks like, like a Proverbs
01:52:51.200
31 woman, you know, in God's eyes and getting closer to God by reading my Bible and praying.
01:52:58.060
And I have through that time gotten to know God on such a level of deepness that is, again,
01:53:05.260
continues to change my life. It directs my decision-making in such an amazing way because,
01:53:11.660
you know, God says, or in the Bible, it talks about how you're supposed to put God first in
01:53:16.300
everything. And I think that's very true because it's the first thing I do when I wake up, I speak
01:53:22.460
to God. Like the first thing I do before I am on my phone or anything, it's inviting God into my day.
01:53:28.680
The first thing I do before I eat, you know, I pray, I thank God for just this food in front of me,
01:53:33.700
whether it's fried or not, you know, I'm like, thank you. So, but it's in every step of your life,
01:53:39.480
you're supposed to put God in it and he will direct your path. Like it's crazy how real that
01:53:46.260
actually is. When I could not make a decision by myself that didn't lead me to harm, you know,
01:53:54.440
when I was making decisions, it led me to so much hurt and harm and numbness. When I ask him to make
01:54:01.900
the decision for me, it's not that he's like, I'm like a puppet. It is that I am reaching out to him
01:54:08.060
for help and guidance first and he gives it. So. Do not two sparrows sell for a farthing and yet a
01:54:15.360
sparrow does not fall without your father. Honestly, the way that you speak is so great.
01:54:20.740
Like you have so much book knowledge, which I really love here. But that's the point that you're
01:54:25.500
describing and it's right there in scripture, which is, you know, you're worth a lot more than a sparrow
01:54:29.560
and these things all fall in providence, which. More than precious rubies, the Bible says,
01:54:35.400
the Proverbs woman. Yeah. You know, she's more than precious rubies. You have ruby colored hair.
01:54:40.160
Yes, I do. But so I interviewed. Which I know is controversial to some people, but. So I was
01:54:45.560
actually going to mention. I had an odd experience, Nala, which is that I really, not only was I not
01:54:53.660
familiar with your past career, but I wasn't even really familiar with the story of, you know,
01:54:58.560
your conversion, this wonderful story. I just wasn't aware of it. I'm interviewing someone
01:55:04.100
and I mentioned how there have been a couple people in the chat of my show. So we're talking
01:55:10.280
about people who are full members, who are commenting every day, who worked in varying degrees
01:55:16.880
of pornography and who kind of came out of it. And I was thinking of one person in particular
01:55:21.200
who, you know, I, I've just sort of interacted with in the show and maybe on Twitter a little
01:55:25.280
bit. And, uh, but this person I was interviewing, Pearl Davis, I, I think she thought I was talking
01:55:32.320
about you. Yes. And I got that vibe very heavily when I watched the interview. So she never said
01:55:37.480
your name and I didn't know who you were. And she's saying, oh, that person is a fake. She
01:55:42.720
didn't really get out. And I'm thinking of this other person from my chat. I said, I don't
01:55:45.660
know, I think pretty sure I've followed this. I'm pretty sure. But what do I know?
01:55:49.420
You're on such a different wavelength. We're talking about totally different things. And
01:55:52.980
then later, maybe she or you, someone had posted about this and I said, oh, it's about
01:55:57.800
this girl. Okay. Well, I don't know. Maybe she's a fake. Maybe I don't know anything about
01:56:01.900
her. And then, but then I kind of looked into it a little bit and now we've been chatting
01:56:05.380
for, you know, I don't know, 10 hours. And, uh, it feels like 10 minutes.
01:56:09.540
It feels like five minutes. Right. And, and, uh, you, you seem sincere. It totally seems
01:56:14.660
real. So. I feel like that's to test the spirits. You know, you, we are asked to test
01:56:18.900
the spirits and look at the fruit of the spirit and not to judge that person. Like a true
01:56:24.040
Christian, a true believer of Christ will watch and observe and listen and not jump to
01:56:30.920
a conclusion. I had a very big, I wouldn't say issue, but I just, I had a, it was a very
01:56:38.740
controversial video that she made about me. And I had to just pray. I was, I needed to
01:56:45.420
pray because I felt like I was getting heated about it. And that wasn't the right attitude
01:56:49.820
to have at all. Like I really wanted to respond more in kindness than anything.
01:56:53.400
That is the time to put away Twitter or X now. The moment you start to actually get angry,
01:56:58.520
put it away. Put it away. It was, it wasn't even, I deleted my Twitter. I don't have Twitter.
01:57:02.380
I didn't know I was being spoken about on Twitter at all. I had just watched her YouTube video
01:57:07.040
on me and it was, I, I couldn't even finish it because there were so many loose ends and
01:57:14.560
I don't want to say it this way, but lies, outright lies being said about me that I felt
01:57:20.500
the need to correct. But that was like my flesh. My flesh was like, oh, you know, that's wrong.
01:57:27.060
Like I, I'm, I don't know why I'm being perceived this way by this woman who's never spoken to me,
01:57:31.780
never reached out to me. And I am only now in her eye because of my change. Right. And she does
01:57:38.160
say that she's a Catholic. Yeah. I don't know that she, um, assents to the doctrines of the Catholic
01:57:45.200
faith, but as we discussed, I mean, one can go back and watch the interview. Yeah. But, uh,
01:57:52.180
at the very least she said this thing. I really don't mean to beat up on her for it because a lot
01:57:56.740
of people say this, but they said like, look, I was raised Catholic. I went to Catholic school.
01:58:00.980
And, but, you know, and the minute you ever hear that preface, you, you can be 100% certain you
01:58:08.400
were about to hear the least Catholic thing you ever heard in your life. Absolutely. Now listen
01:58:11.980
here. I met the nuns once when I was in eighth grade. And so anyway, but I was raised as a monk,
01:58:17.660
but. But so I was, I was very confused when I saw it. And I, and I, but I said, I ought to keep an
01:58:23.940
open mind. Who knows? There are charlatans out there. Yeah. I think you have a very good attitude
01:58:28.040
about it, which, and it's, it's an attitude that I've tried to take, which is, uh, you know,
01:58:32.940
our Lord, when he's on trial and they're making up all this stuff about him, he just, he just
01:58:37.800
doesn't say anything. He's silent. He's silent. What are you going to? So this is my theory about
01:58:41.480
it. So when someone has a hot cup of coffee and they spill it all over themselves, but you're right
01:58:46.340
next to them and a little bit gets on you. Are you more concerned with that tiny bit of coffee
01:58:50.780
spilt on you or how, or how they are burning right now? Right. Are you, which one are you more
01:58:56.820
concerned about? And that's how I feel about the situation. I can be upset about that little bit
01:59:00.800
of coffee on me. That's barely burning me, but still got on me, maybe got on my shirt. And I'm
01:59:05.440
like, ah, but that person is in pain. That person doesn't know what they're doing. Lord, forgive them.
01:59:13.940
Right. That's my only answer to this at the moment, because my flesh wants to be upset
01:59:18.800
because of the false accusations, but I can't be upset. Like my spirit cannot hold that against
01:59:25.220
her because I feel as though she may be lost and maybe hasn't received love like that, like
01:59:32.660
that I have received from Christ. Sure. Like maybe hasn't been able to experience or hasn't
01:59:37.420
experienced it yet. Yeah. Or, you know, our Lord says this too, you know, don't worry about what goes
01:59:43.520
into the mouth, but care much more about what comes out of the mouth. And this is...
01:59:48.500
It's a pure representation of what's in your heart. Yeah. I mean, in the Gorgias, Socrates,
01:59:54.920
another wise figure, not kind of a, you know, I think he and Plato and Aristotle actually kind
02:00:04.160
of intuited a lot of Christianity, even though they come before. But Socrates says it's much,
02:00:11.500
it's much worse to do an injustice to someone than to experience an injustice. Because the one
02:00:17.220
is just a fact of life. You know, we all suffer and everything. It hurts maybe your corruptible
02:00:20.700
flesh. But to commit an injustice harms your soul, right?
02:00:23.780
It does. I just heard that the other day too. And it was crazy. Like, I was like, wow. Like,
02:00:30.860
again, that's why you're supposed to turn the other cheek. You know, I'd rather be slapped again
02:00:35.220
than hit you back. Because one, I can hit very hard. And I'm just kidding.
02:00:45.560
Yeah. But like, again, yeah, we are not here to harm people, but to show them God's love.
02:00:53.140
But does it bother you? So you're not smacking, which is good. But does it bother you when they
02:00:57.660
say you're a big fake? This whole thing is just about getting attention. You realized, you know,
02:01:04.040
OnlyFans was coming to an end. And now you want to get married. And it's also convenient. You're a big
02:01:10.700
It makes me giggle, actually. Because again, I know what the Bible says about,
02:01:15.440
you know, those who judge. And I have been set free. Not by them, but by Christ. Christ set me
02:01:22.280
free. Like, Jesus of Nazareth. You know, that's the God I believe in, you know. I have been set free
02:01:27.720
from that. So I can understand why people think that, you know, I was either at my wit's end or
02:01:33.860
whatever it may be. Yes, I was, for sure. But I knew that I couldn't do it on my own. And you should
02:01:40.120
be looking at the fruit of the Spirit. What is the fruit that I'm producing right now? Is it bitter
02:01:45.300
and dying? Or is the fruit that I'm producing sweet? And is it growing in the soil that I have
02:01:53.120
in right now? You know, which one is it? You know what I'm saying? So these changes that I'm talking
02:01:58.260
about making, like modesty, and I'm now married, which so many people think that it was more impossible
02:02:04.780
That seems to me kind of like the proof that it's all real, right? You did just get,
02:02:08.860
and we get to break some news. That's fabulous.
02:02:12.060
That's, that's an amazing thing. So I don't know. I don't know what else they,
02:02:16.940
You know, I don't mind judgment because the world hated, the Bible says this,
02:02:21.220
and it's such a great reminder that like, don't worry about them, the world, if they hate you,
02:02:26.580
because they hated me first. Like, that gives me so much strength inside. Like,
02:02:33.000
they hated my Jesus first, and I don't care if you hate me. Like, I would have more of a problem
02:02:40.180
if everyone was accepting me. I would really have a problem with it because like, who, why? Why would
02:02:46.340
they all accept me? You know what I'm saying? So I must not be doing something right if everyone's
02:02:51.680
accepting me for this change. It is, it's definitely stirring something in people's hearts, whether they
02:02:57.020
can explain it or not. But I'm here to say, your explanation is Christ. Go to Christ. If you really
02:03:04.100
believe that I am fake, you go to Christ with that. You know what I'm saying? And you should be praying
02:03:10.000
for me. It's okay if you can't, but you know, if you genuinely believe in your heart, soul, and mind.
02:03:14.920
Hold on. What do you mean it's okay if you can't? Why can't you?
02:03:17.840
Why couldn't one pray for you? You said it's okay if you can't.
02:03:20.960
Yeah, I don't think it's okay if they can't. They better.
02:03:22.400
Physically cannot pray for me. That's okay. I don't, you know, I'm praying for myself for sure.
02:03:27.940
And I have amazing people like my mother-in-law praying for me and my husband. So like, I have,
02:03:34.620
I have trouble praying for my dad if I'm being so honest. Like this fact that they're now getting
02:03:39.840
divorced again. I'm, it's hard. It is so hard to pray for him because I'm like, I don't want to go
02:03:46.860
into it directly, but you know, he's caused so much hurt in my faith, my family that is like
02:03:52.560
deeply affected me. And it is hard to not forgive as much as pray for him. Like I, I'm almost
02:04:01.620
speechless at the throne of God. I'm like, God, you know, my heart, it is hurting. How should I pray?
02:04:07.780
You know, it's, it's awesome to be able to ask our father, like, how do I pray about this? You know,
02:04:12.460
give me patience and mercy and kindness towards this man who is my earthly father, not my heavenly
02:04:19.580
father. So that's what like has helped separate it for me is that this is my earthly father. He will
02:04:24.520
sin. He will continue to sin. He will continue to mess up. But like, I want him to have the interaction
02:04:29.760
with God that I have the, not the exact one, but that overwhelming love, that agape love, you know,
02:04:38.040
that unconditional love that Christ has for us and that people cannot give. People cannot give that.
02:04:45.160
You know what I'm saying? So. I do. And as you describe it, doesn't make it less painful.
02:04:51.400
It doesn't. But pain is so beautiful because it's all, look, we're a creation of Christ. We were able
02:04:58.120
to, we were given these feelings, you know, how, like, what would it be like if we were just like
02:05:03.080
walking bodies, you know, like, and not, not have anything else like joy or peace or
02:05:08.440
anger, even, you know, happiness, like sadness. It's all so beautiful and part of his plan,
02:05:14.840
but he wants us to come to him for everything that we're going through. And it is, man,
02:05:21.000
I can't stop smiling about it because there is pain going on in my life that hurts. But the minute
02:05:27.060
I even think about Christ, I am so overwhelmingly happy, joyful, I should say, because I know that
02:05:34.280
God's going to help me get through it. And it's crazy. When I, when I had given my life to Christ,
02:05:40.000
so much had happened. My parents got divorced. I got into a car accident. I found out some crazy
02:05:46.980
things. I don't really want to mention right now, but like some crazy stuff happened. But amazing
02:05:52.940
things happened on top of that. Like I reconnected with all four of my siblings and we're all speaking
02:05:58.260
and have a really good relationship now. Like, and everything that I was going through had an
02:06:04.580
answer. Like God provided the answer. Like my car accident, it wasn't even my fault, but I got hit
02:06:10.520
and God provided an answer. And I wanted to move to South Carolina. I was praying about it and praying
02:06:15.700
about it. God provided a way out of California safely. Like it was crazy because no one could have
02:06:21.160
ever given me these answers except for Christ. You know, of course I could have done it on my own
02:06:26.520
will, but it wouldn't have been, I feel like it would have been more harmful. So yeah, right. It's
02:06:31.980
not, it's not grounded from my past. You can see how harmful I can be to myself. You know, I'm not
02:06:37.400
self-cutting or anything like that, but I am like going deeper and deeper in this like numbness hole,
02:06:43.480
you know, which is obviously very destructive. I mean, it was very destructive. You don't feel anything.
02:06:48.420
What do you have to lose? You know, like after you've lost everything there, wow. It's like
02:06:54.860
Homelander. Have you seen the, the boys? There's this point in that movie where he's like Superman,
02:07:00.100
right? He's like, he's tells the girl, if I lose everything, if you tell the world that I'm this
02:07:05.380
evil person, really, I have nothing to lose and I will take this world down. You know, I felt exactly
02:07:11.720
that way. Like, man, if I keep pushing, I will take it all down. Like, you know, nothing matters
02:07:18.340
at that point. Like my life doesn't even have purpose. So that's the scariest place I've ever
02:07:23.160
been in my life. It wasn't suicidal at all, at all. I've never felt like suicidal. It was homicidal.
02:07:30.400
Potentially, honestly. But it was, it was crazy. I didn't hate people, but I just, I didn't feel any.
02:07:38.440
You didn't like them either? No, I did not. I just, I didn't feel like anyone could relate to me.
02:07:44.300
You know, I'm just like this wild, crazy redhead, you know? Right. It's very, yeah, very, very alienating.
02:07:49.920
Yes. So then what, you've gone through all of this and it's all very fresh and you've been married for
02:07:53.460
three days and so what now? What's the? Wow. You know, the biggest thing is that I'm just trusting in
02:08:00.800
God and his will for my life and not jumping ahead of the gun. That logic that I'm talking about,
02:08:06.100
like not working in my own strength, but working with God's strength. I will continue to get closer
02:08:11.900
to God. I'm still like a baby Christian, but I'm ready for some meat now. Like, you know, I know
02:08:17.560
what God can do. I've seen it. Like, let's keep moving forward in this relationship. The biggest
02:08:22.340
way I like to describe it is like when you go to church once a week for a couple hours and you call
02:08:27.360
that a relationship with Christ, what if we compare that to a human? You only saw that human a couple hours
02:08:32.060
a week on Sunday. Would you have a very good relationship with that person? No, you wouldn't.
02:08:37.660
Absolutely not. But if you spend time with God every single day reading your Bible, maybe for even
02:08:43.140
five, ten minutes a day, you are still actively getting to know your creator. So that's my biggest
02:08:49.520
goal is to continue getting closer with Christ, letting him be the ruler of my thoughts, my decisions,
02:08:56.680
my actions, and learning how to be a wife. Like, I'm so thankful that the Bible has this amazing set
02:09:05.200
of direction in how to be a godly wife. And I'm looking forward to learning that. And it's not like
02:09:13.520
a set of rules, but it's like direction. And that will help me have a better relationship with my
02:09:19.520
husband now. So being a better wife, learning to cook a couple more things. We are actually starting
02:09:26.300
a TikTok agency. We just started it. It's called Rebel. We want to, we're like a Christian-based
02:09:32.600
agency, but we want to help other creators. And my biggest purpose for it was like, there's a lot
02:09:39.220
of OnlyFans girls reaching out to me being like, okay, I'm going to quit OnlyFans, but like, what are
02:09:44.100
you doing now to make money? And I just go live on TikTok now. And I actually just talk about God,
02:09:48.800
you know, and I make pretty decent money on that. It's nothing like millions at all,
02:09:53.060
but it is sufficient. You know what I'm saying? And I'm very thankful for that.
02:09:57.180
It's not Porsche money, but it's Honda Accord money.
02:10:02.240
Jeep Wrangler. Okay. That's good. That's a great car.
02:10:04.160
So we started this agency. We started this clothing line called Be The Change. And it all starts with
02:10:10.060
you kind of thing. That's the slogan of it. But it could not apply more to me and him,
02:10:14.040
like in his testimony. But my testimony is truly be the change that you want to
02:10:18.800
see. And I could have been like, oh, I got saved and continued to be on OnlyFans,
02:10:23.940
continued to be in modest, continued to speak and act and walk like the world.
02:10:28.380
But I had to be the change. You know, I had to be.
02:10:33.840
Absolutely. No one would have believed me. But it's not about people believing me.
02:10:41.040
Absolutely. So yes, that's that's beautiful, because I've interviewed a couple times a friend
02:10:47.460
of mine who was a guy. He was a guy in the porn industry. And he says last time I talked to him,
02:10:54.240
I think he said 32 or 34 of the women he knew when he was working in porn have killed themselves.
02:11:01.000
Yep. I know a few people. They weren't like my best friends or anything, but I met them in person
02:11:07.560
and then got that news. I was like, you really get to see how dark it is. And it's so scary. Like,
02:11:15.440
I went into a world where I did not know I was going to see and hear and do things that I never
02:11:20.560
would have thought I would have ever experienced. And it's so scary. You are not ready for that as a
02:11:25.840
human. Yeah. At all. It doesn't matter what it is. You're not ready for that. Right. At all.
02:11:30.680
I remember, again, not having ever done porn. But the more I would, you know, sin in my wayward
02:11:37.600
youth, the kind of like the more you lose your innocence. I mean, this is so your purity, the
02:11:45.760
truism. But and and so you you see things that the existence of which you didn't even understand or
02:11:51.260
the presence of which you didn't even understand. And it kind of I think that's what you're describing
02:11:55.420
here. And from what I've heard, you know, for people who have been in the industry, the story
02:12:00.000
almost always ends very badly. Yeah. So do you have any advice for girls who are considering
02:12:05.460
that career path? Oh, absolutely. Run. My big run. Absolutely. But reach out to one. You can always
02:12:15.620
reach out to me like my my platforms are very open and available for that purpose right now, for sure.
02:12:21.260
I receive messages from women all the time on TikTok, Instagram and Facebook, like very actively
02:12:29.100
almost every single day talking about this situation, this problem that they're going
02:12:32.800
through. I would love to help in any way that I could. But the biggest thing is like realizing
02:12:37.620
that you will be going down a path that is something you cannot.
02:12:42.980
You can't take back. And like the money should not be the drive at all. Like if you're looking for
02:12:52.680
money, there are great jobs out there that you don't need a college education for going on live
02:12:57.520
with TikTok. And that was the biggest point of me starting this agency with my husband is that I want
02:13:02.480
to help other women who are like, I need to make some money. I'm thinking about OnlyFans.
02:13:07.180
You know, go live on TikTok. Like there are so many amazing things that our society
02:13:13.120
has right now to utilize for making money that you don't need to go to school for.
02:13:18.700
You don't need to work a nine to five for it as your own schedule. But there it's not worth it.
02:13:24.140
And if I could shake myself five years ago, I would. I would absolutely shake her and just tell her how
02:13:31.920
worth it she is. Cause I feel like these people even considering going in, there's something going
02:13:37.700
on in your heart and mind and your spirit that's like disturbed or you are, you're hurting or you're
02:13:43.780
insecure or you're lost completely. And just, this looks easy. It's easy, but it's hard. The price you pay
02:13:54.800
is not worth the money. It is not because there was this moment I had in New York. I love New York,
02:14:01.420
but I had just gone on a huge shopping spree when I was on in OnlyFans and I'd came back to my hotel
02:14:07.400
room completely alone. And I had all this stuff around me. I sat on my bed. It was like looking
02:14:13.680
out the window and it was dark out. I could not have felt more alone in my life. I was like looking
02:14:20.660
at all this crap and I was like, it brings me no joy. In the moment of purchasing it, I was like
02:14:26.860
little adrenaline rush, little dopamine high, but then I have it and it's nothing. It does not hug me.
02:14:34.560
It does not hold me. It does not warm me. It does not love me. Facts. So it is, it's so important to
02:14:43.400
realize your worth. And I'm here to tell them you have worth. You, even if you don't know me and I don't
02:14:48.900
know you personally, you are worth it because God created you. God says that you are beautifully and
02:14:54.740
wonderfully made. Like you are his creation. God did not intend for us to do this with our bodies,
02:15:00.000
to help others sin and get lost. Like it's not just about you at this point. When you put yourself
02:15:06.640
out there like that, you are actively putting men at risk. Do you feel bad about the guys? Yes. Oh my gosh.
02:15:13.500
Yes. I want to cry because I've, I've thought about this so heavily because of what I've made
02:15:19.340
them do. You know, I can't take it back. And that's the worst thing about this because you do,
02:15:26.000
when you realize it, you cannot take it back. Right. And it's, I really want to start crying.
02:15:31.560
It's like, like I helped you do that. I helped you destroy yourself and you paid a price for it,
02:15:39.420
which is even worse. Like. Well, a literal, like a financial price. Financial price for it. And it
02:15:46.920
felt so innocent in my head at the time. Like I didn't think anything of it. But now that like,
02:15:54.320
I have like accepted Jesus in my heart, it's like this heaviness. God's not condemning me for it. No,
02:16:01.020
no. But it's conviction for sure. And you're so, you're recognizing something that is sometimes
02:16:05.620
missing in the feel good religion, which is either missing the point of absolution, total
02:16:13.480
absolution given to you by God, or missing the simultaneous reality, which is the temporal
02:16:24.420
And you can't take it back. You can receive total absolution.
02:16:29.500
But there is, there is still the temporal effects of sin. And that's, that's just reality.
02:16:35.680
It is. You can't hold that against yourself, but because God has forgiven you once you ask
02:16:41.940
not ultimately. Yes. God's not sitting there being like, I remember. No, God puts it in a sea of
02:16:48.500
unforgiveness or forgiveness and forgetfulness because it's not like he's holding that over you.
02:16:53.580
But we have brains. We know. We understand what we did is wrong. And it's-
02:17:00.460
It does. Actions always have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's a bad action or a good
02:17:05.240
action. It will have a consequence, no matter if that consequence is good or bad. It has a
02:17:10.460
consequence. You know, there's a domino effect.
02:17:13.080
But I wish I could tell them I'm sorry. And if this is my opportunity to, like, I'm so sorry. Like,
02:17:21.980
I helped damage you. You are not damaged, but I helped cause, like, a collision. You know,
02:17:31.160
a disassociation to what love is. Your attention span might be off now. You cannot have a relationship
02:17:39.140
now. You, whatever it may be that they're really struggling with, I feel as though I have a part to
02:17:45.040
play in that. And it really hurts my heart and my mind. And I'm a very empathetic person now. So
02:17:52.200
it's a reality that's harsh. And again, that goes back to speaking to young women. Like, don't. Just
02:18:01.660
don't do it because the feelings I feel for it now is a burden. It's a burden. Like-
02:18:08.260
That's the thing about temptation. It's very tempting.
02:18:14.960
But look at Adam and Eve in the garden. You know, it's tempting.
02:18:21.480
When you had so many around you already, that would suffice, be more than sufficient for you.
02:18:25.860
And yet, you now are aware of your shame and your nakedness. And you're like, I have to cover.
02:18:33.260
That's exactly how I feel. Like, shameful. Like, when I think about
02:18:38.220
the whatever podcast and what I said on it, I cannot even believe that's me. You know,
02:18:44.780
it's like a, it's like an alternate reality. I'm like, what? I said that? What was I even
02:18:52.240
feeling at the time? And when I did post that, when that got posted, I had just gotten out of
02:18:57.340
that toxic relationship. And I had found out that he had cheated on me a few times. And so
02:19:04.480
my anger was heated. It was boiling. The pot was screaming kind of thing. Like, I wanted to hurt
02:19:15.940
because I was so broken. And I was just like, at this point, I didn't think I had anything to lose,
02:19:24.040
but now I really don't have anything to lose. So like, I just couldn't understand why I couldn't
02:19:29.840
hold on to anything. Everything I was trying to keep was literally slipping through my fingers
02:19:34.160
like sand. Like, in that portion of my life, I was like, I can't hold on to anything. Like,
02:19:40.640
it all leaves me, you know? But Christ's love stayed, you know? And I'm a new creature in Christ.
02:19:48.200
Very refreshing to hear a story like this that has a happy ending. A great line from St. John Vianney,
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the saints did not all start well, but they all ended well. In heaven, yeah. Their deaths were
02:20:02.680
horrible. Absolutely horrible. But yeah. They all ended well. Yeah. Spiritually, yes. Like,
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their soul went to heaven, but their physical bodies, not so much. But in the middle here of
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your journey, probably even earlier than the middle, you're very young, nice to see that turning point.
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And marvelous to chat with you. Thank you for coming in. Thank you so much, Michael.