The Michael Knowles Show - April 06, 2024

＂$9 Million on OnlyFans & God Saved Me＂｜ Michael & Nala Ray

Episode Stats

Length

2 hours and 20 minutes

Words per minute

191.5539

Word count

26,904

Sentence count

2,369

Harmful content

Misogyny

26

sentences flagged

Hate speech

37

sentences flagged

Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Nala Ray rose to become one of the top porn performers on the world's most popular porn sites and made a ton of money. Then she decided to quit it all and now she's living a totally different life.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).

Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .

Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .

00:00:00.000 I was a pastor's kid. It started slow. I started OnlyFans. I made like $85,000 the first month.

00:00:06.960 What was it about you that was able to make a million dollars a year?

00:00:12.060 My biggest thing that I sold was that I'm multiple girls. I put all of that energy into creating

00:00:18.960 Nala. How much money do you have at this point?

00:00:21.840 Nine million. My parents kind of disowned me. That sounds catastrophic.

00:00:27.500 Sorry. I've never really dove into that feeling. Never talked about this. What's the point of all

00:00:36.900 this money when I don't have feelings? Is that the moment where you say, all right,

00:00:41.080 I got to start getting out of this thing? I was sobbing. I was looking at my fireplace. I grabbed

00:00:45.600 the Bible. I was like, God, I need an answer now. I truly need an answer now. And he gave me an answer.

00:00:52.760 What did he say?

00:00:57.500 One of the underappreciated aspects of temptation is that it's very tempting. Money, sex, fame.

00:01:10.320 My guest today is someone who has had all of those things in spades and then came to regret it

00:01:17.000 and totally cut it all off. And that would be one of the top OnlyFans performers, a former OnlyFans

00:01:25.680 performer, Nala Ray. Nala, thank you for coming to the show.

00:01:30.600 Thank you, Michael.

00:01:31.740 So I'm not just saying this to seem like goody-goody. I actually am unfamiliar with your work.

00:01:40.020 Oh, that's okay.

00:01:40.580 Your former work?

00:01:41.680 Good. That's probably great.

00:01:42.700 Now you're on a totally different, but this has all happened very, very quickly.

00:01:46.640 Yeah.

00:01:47.040 You rose to fame as one of the top performers on the top, one of the top porn sites in the world,

00:01:55.780 and you made a ton of money and you got extremely famous. Then you quit it all. We'll get into that.

00:02:03.200 And now you're living a totally different life.

00:02:05.360 Yes, sir.

00:02:06.740 Take me back to the beginning.

00:02:09.640 So the beginning started about five years ago, if we're talking about going back to the beginning

00:02:13.560 of when I started porn.

00:02:15.240 I want to go back to the beginning.

00:02:16.560 Oh, like little Nala. 0.99

00:02:18.460 Yeah.

00:02:19.640 So as far back as I can remember, I have been in a big family. I was raised with four other

00:02:26.840 children and they're all my parents, but we were a family of seven. We weren't always like a

00:02:32.840 religious family. It was probably when I was 10 years old that we, like, well, I had lost my

00:02:38.980 house in a tornado. And then my parents went through a divorce and we weren't serving the Lord

00:02:45.220 then. But it was crazy how God brought us back together. And then my parents remarried within a

00:02:51.680 span of a couple of years. So there was a lot of stuff that had happened in my life that was just

00:02:56.440 absolutely crazy for a kid to go through.

00:02:58.860 How old were you when your parents divorced?

00:03:00.960 Um, almost 11 years old. Cause we had just lost our house, like completely lost everything

00:03:07.040 in the tornado. Um, I was living in Missouri at the time. And then my parents divorced because it

00:03:13.680 was like, it was, it was a lot to go through. Honestly, it's a big family and like losing

00:03:18.920 everything that you worked for was just gone. I absolutely destroyed. So, and then having to

00:03:23.460 provide for kids. So I can understand like the emotional strain that my dad probably carried

00:03:28.200 to provide for his family. And then that was just all gone. So my parents divorced and then

00:03:33.960 they actually got saved during the process that they were divorced. You know, they really had this

00:03:40.000 come to Christ moment. And, um, so I was almost 11 and then they got remarried on Christmas Eve.

00:03:46.760 So that was just like, it was really cool. So to see your family like reunited again. And from there,

00:03:53.600 my family really started diving into being led by my parents, like religion, um, which was like

00:04:00.180 Baptist. We are Baptist Christians. And so interestingly enough, I don't know how this even came up a part

00:04:07.840 of my dad's life, but he began preaching. So I, again, I can't even go back that far in my brain to

00:04:13.500 when that actually started for my dad, but he had been a, uh, pastor and evangelist for,

00:04:19.840 I'd say like 10 years. So after all that happened.

00:04:24.580 So he became a, a evangelist pastor after they got remarried or, or so not before.

00:04:31.280 No, not before.

00:04:31.720 Zeal of a convert.

00:04:32.600 Yes.

00:04:32.940 Okay.

00:04:33.240 That, that was pretty much it. So, um, became a pastor, um, was pastoring a couple churches

00:04:38.880 churches. And the, the sorrowful part of that was that like some of the churches had church splits.

00:04:44.220 So we went through some church splits through that, like religion of being a Baptist. And

00:04:49.380 it wasn't really the religion, I think, but it was just like the people in the church couldn't get

00:04:53.860 along. And that's, I don't feel like that's really Christ. You know, that's not Christ's heart is for

00:04:58.660 us to divide, but to build and have unity together.

00:05:02.160 Forgive my ignorance on a church split.

00:05:04.020 I am a mackerel snapping papist, uh, a Catholic. And so we've had, I guess we've had some splits,

00:05:09.920 but they're like historic schisms, you know, between the East and the West.

00:05:13.000 Yes.

00:05:13.340 So, but we don't have, I think what you're describing, which is you, you mean like in,

00:05:18.940 so it's a relatively small congregation and then they, one day they just decide we're done.

00:05:23.940 No, more like the church actually splits in half. No, I'm just kidding.

00:05:27.460 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:05:28.540 Lightning strikes.

00:05:29.600 That's it. Yes. So people like deacons or, um, the pastors,

00:05:34.020 and there's other roles in the church. Um, they disagree continuously for whatever amount of time

00:05:42.160 and it gets worse and worse and people tell their sides to half this, the church and other people

00:05:47.140 take other sides. And, and after that, the church really just cannot function together because there's

00:05:53.140 almost drama involved or it's just other people's opinions and people do not want to be in the church

00:05:59.160 because it's uncomfortable now, you know, because everyone knows the situation. Nothing's really

00:06:03.440 being spoken about behind, except for like behind backs. And that's just, it's a mess.

00:06:08.840 So it's like a divorce.

00:06:10.000 It truly is just like a divorce and the kids are the denomination, you know, like the sheep in the 0.97

00:06:15.720 church. So we went through a couple of those and it was crazy because some of the people in the

00:06:22.320 church just didn't like what my, my dad had to say. He's a very blunt pastor and he's very just like,

00:06:27.840 we'll tell you what it is and preaches from the word of God. And some people didn't agree with it.

00:06:33.340 And, you know, I was really young too. So I don't understand all of it at the time. Like I was

00:06:39.440 probably like 11, 12, 13 years old and while so much had happened. And so it's just, it's like

00:06:46.100 going through a divorce after divorce after divorce. And it's really hard because, you know,

00:06:50.860 you kind of, you not even kind of, you get to know people in that church and you might not fall

00:06:56.640 in love with them, but they became a big part of your life. And then now you see them for something

00:07:01.040 very different because they don't like your dad. And then you feel this restraint from wanting to

00:07:06.240 be around them, speak to them, or, you know, even consider their viewpoint on it because that's

00:07:11.480 your father. So we went through a couple of church splits and moved around. And, you know,

00:07:17.240 at the time I never, I was never even considering, oh, it's, it's my dad. And I, I'm not blaming him

00:07:24.000 in any manner, but now that I have Christ in my heart as an adult and not a child, I'm looking at

00:07:32.800 things differently and just trying to test the spirit. Cause that's what the Bible asks us to do.

00:07:37.460 You know, when you're unsure about something, test the spirit, look at the fruit of the spirit.

00:07:40.720 And I've been actually going over that in my head. And it's not that I can remember one specific

00:07:47.080 sermon of his or anything, but I'm looking at him as a person and his character. And, you know,

00:07:53.080 what we did as a pastor's family and being a pastor's family, I have to tell you is one of

00:07:57.820 the roughest jobs. You don't get paid for it either, but like, you know, it's a rough place to

00:08:03.060 be in, in your life. If your family isn't like in unity and our family just wasn't in unity in any

00:08:09.420 manner. This is another area where my potpourri will give me some ignorance, which is, you know,

00:08:16.020 priests don't get married in the Catholic church. I did not know that. So that's my ignorance.

00:08:19.780 They're celibate and they don't get married. So there's a whole long historical conversation

00:08:25.000 about that. But as a result, I'm totally unfamiliar with this idea of a pastor having a family. I

00:08:32.260 imagine that would be extremely stressful and very difficult both for him and for the family,

00:08:37.580 even what you're, what you're describing, the traditional understanding of the family of a

00:08:44.260 marriage is as a symbol of Christ's love for his church. Absolutely. And so everything you're

00:08:50.200 describing is just, as you say, a divorce after a divorce after a divorce. One of the four marks of

00:08:55.540 the church. There's just no unity anywhere. There's no unity. Yeah, that's supposed to be one of the

00:08:59.400 four marks. So how can you feel safe in any atmosphere, including your home atmosphere?

00:09:05.400 So you just, I just, I truly never felt safe, you know, because when we go to church, there's like

00:09:11.000 some face we have to put on. You can't be like, you need to be the strong people for the church.

00:09:15.980 Right. You cannot be the weak ones. You're the face of the church. Absolutely. And that's,

00:09:19.660 I have a really big issue with that now, like looking back, like being vulnerable with people is how

00:09:24.360 people trust you as well. You can't always put on this strong face and expect people to trust you.

00:09:30.020 Yeah. Because I don't trust people like that in my day to day. Like if you're always the same

00:09:34.040 consistently and I'm like, hmm, what's going on? Why aren't you opening up to me? Why aren't you

00:09:38.740 being vulnerable with me? Because that's a good relationship, right? A priest friend of mine once

00:09:43.700 wrote that the problem with the modern idea of the feel-good religion, the real weakness of feel-good

00:09:50.300 religion is feeling bad. Wow. Because people feel bad sometimes. Right. Absolutely.

00:09:56.340 If your whole religion is about just, you know, strong face, happy-go-lucky, well, then you're

00:10:01.140 going to begin to have doubts. That's a really good point, honestly. But there was really not much

00:10:06.320 of that. And if I did feel that way, it was at home and secret and private, you know. And again,

00:10:11.060 I did not have a good relationship with my parents and I'm not blaming them in any manner. I didn't know

00:10:16.620 how to have a relationship with my parents because I was a pastor's kid. Like I don't

00:10:21.580 think people understand the roles of a pastor's family. And I'm here to share it truly. As a

00:10:29.500 pastor's daughter, you're kind of expected to just like be the front, right? So anytime someone's

00:10:34.640 walking in the door when church starts, you're at the front. You're the first ones to get there

00:10:38.420 and the last to leave. I ran Sunday schools. I had to be included in anything that the church

00:10:44.960 wanted to, like there was, there was people in the church who felt led to open up like

00:10:48.560 a puppet class. I had to be a part of it because I had to show support. The choir, I had to

00:10:53.200 be a part of that because I had to show support. Sunday school, Bible school, vacation Bible

00:10:57.760 school, any program that there was, the family of the church is expected to represent.

00:11:04.240 It's like a political family, like a, you know, a congregation.

00:11:06.380 That is such a great way to look at it, honestly. And it's so difficult because it's just like

00:11:13.960 show face, show face, show face, show face. And that's about it. Like you, you don't truly

00:11:20.540 get to be like your own person. You're just, you're, you're family. You know what I mean?

00:11:25.740 You're a part of your family. You need to listen to your parents. And I'm really young at this

00:11:29.260 point. So it's just like, I have no choice. And growing up in churches, like I didn't have

00:11:34.200 very many kid friends at all, unless they were children, children, because I was watching

00:11:38.920 them in Sunday school so their parents could be in service. So, which I love personally

00:11:44.060 sometimes because I got to eat snacks with them and that was the best part. But like,

00:11:48.260 and I love children. So that was, it was, it was fun for sure. It wasn't all gloom and

00:11:52.980 doom, nothing. But now as I'm an adult, I look back at this and I'm reflecting for the longest

00:11:58.100 time I pushed it away and pushed it away out of my head because it was very painful to go

00:12:02.900 back through that. And just like, think about so many times where I struggled and there just

00:12:08.340 wasn't anybody there. But the point I was trying to make was growing up, I only truly had like adult

00:12:14.280 friends. Like I grew up at 13 years old. Were there not young people in the church community?

00:12:21.060 There were. We had very small churches though. It's not like mega churches by any means. Like

00:12:26.360 maybe a hundred people in the church, maybe less. Like it was never big, big, which a hundred

00:12:32.180 people is a lot. But when you're catering so much to things, like I just, I really grew up at a

00:12:38.640 younger age. And the, I do remember this two, these two girls that went to my last church that

00:12:45.180 my dad pastored and they went to public school and I was homeschooled like almost my entire life.

00:12:50.300 I just could not relate to them. They were worried about like what they were wearing to school

00:12:55.600 and what they were getting. And I'm like, I just share my sister's clothing. So I don't know like

00:13:02.660 what you're talking about. And I could never, I just never felt like I fit in with them. It was,

00:13:07.680 it was that kind of a relationship. So. Well, I've noticed friends of mine who are homeschooled,

00:13:12.780 many of them were. They, they are much more mature usually probably because they're spending more

00:13:18.460 time around adults. Yeah. A little bit socially awkward though. Sometimes that they have a little

00:13:22.940 homeschool kids like that where me and my siblings would be like, man, they're weird. Like, are we

00:13:28.340 like that? So, because they don't get out very much, but thankfully, like we were in church. So we

00:13:35.200 were just always being social with people, regardless if it was just mainly adults. But yeah, so I do

00:13:40.500 realize that homeschool kids can be more mature, but also I think that's because of their studies are

00:13:45.580 being very honed in on, you know, like in public school, the teacher can't speak to one student.

00:13:50.860 They're teaching a whole class instead of really paying attention to that one child. In homeschooling,

00:13:55.620 I was the only one in my grade and my mom was my teacher. So like I was very honed in on as a child.

00:14:01.580 Makes prom very awkward, but you know, that's. Oh my gosh. I didn't, I would have loved to go to prom

00:14:06.740 for sure. I wanted all of that. I didn't even have like a graduation ceremony. I was just like,

00:14:11.680 oh, you're graduated now. That's great. I'm like, okay. So I feel like I did miss out on a lot,

00:14:17.420 but I would not take it. I'm very thankful my parents chose that direction. Um, I don't only

00:14:23.260 feel kind of book smart, but I do feel very street smart in that manner too. So I'm usually

00:14:28.700 you'd hear the opposite. You'd hear a homeschooler say book smart, look, I'm really book smart,

00:14:32.420 but I don't have any street smarts in the public. I was a public school kid and you know, I got a

00:14:37.280 little bit of book learning because it was a good public school, but you, you get much more

00:14:41.420 street smarts from public school than you do book smarts, but you're saying it's the opposite.

00:14:45.980 Well, for me, my dad is very, very street smart and my mom is very, very book smart.

00:14:51.520 So I got both of their teachings and I'm a very hands-on person instead of more of a bookworm.

00:14:57.320 So I do enjoy reading depending on the book, but, um, I am very hands-on to learn. So I feel like

00:15:04.980 that's where my critical thinking came in. Like while I was growing up, I started working at a very

00:15:09.760 young age, like just turned 15, got a job. What was the job? I worked at Hardee's.

00:15:15.340 Hardee's. Oh yeah. Yeah. I'm friends with the former head of Hardee's.

00:15:20.220 That's awesome. Maybe you guys worked together. I don't know.

00:15:22.880 Different levels. I worked in, uh, it was when I worked in, uh, I was in Illinois.

00:15:26.780 So yeah, but, um, I loved it. I love working so much. When I got my first job, I felt so

00:15:33.180 independent. I bought my first car by myself. My parents didn't help with that. I just, I wanted

00:15:38.920 to be out of the home so bad. And that job provided those hours away.

00:15:43.600 Now did, did your siblings want to get out of the home too? They did.

00:15:48.680 Yes. Absolutely.

00:15:49.480 And so, so at this point, cause I'm trying to track how, how things start to go in another

00:15:55.300 direction. You and your family, you're basically all on the same page doing the same kind of

00:16:00.640 thing. Yep. This is age 15 ish, 16. Okay. So you want to get out, you want to be independent.

00:16:10.420 Then what? Okay. So I was about 15, 16. Um, I had worked at Hardee's for like two years. I got

00:16:18.180 another job, um, in fast food that didn't last very long. Cause I knew I didn't want to be in

00:16:23.140 fast food anymore. Um, I got a job as a waitress for a breakfast and lunch place. Um, and I loved

00:16:28.520 that job that really helped. That was when I started going to college around 18. So right

00:16:33.080 when I graduated, I got right into college and I went, this is a local college or you

00:16:36.780 state college of Florida. So I went there, um, for two years, I was studying to become a dental

00:16:42.660 hygienist because I was like, Hey, I like teeth. This is cool. Like, let's do it. Every time I went

00:16:46.540 to the dentist, I had a great upper experience and I was like, I could do this. What? Who has the,

00:16:52.160 every time I go to the dentist, they make my mouth bleed. Cause I go once every five years

00:16:55.900 and then they yell at me for not flossing properly. But you had a good, you got, I wanted

00:16:59.860 to be that person that yelled at others. A lot of control. Yeah. But I'm very interested

00:17:05.580 in the anatomy of human body and like the face and everything. So I loved my classes. Um,

00:17:11.720 unfortunately I didn't stay in, but it was, um, not short after I had gotten a job in surgery

00:17:17.500 scheduling for an orthopedic company. So I'd felt like my medical career was kind of taking off

00:17:22.800 actually without a full degree. So I was like, Oh, and I really loved orthopedics again. I just

00:17:28.280 loved the human body. So it just kind of fell into that category. So why do you think you love the

00:17:33.940 human body? I'm fascinated. I'm fascinated. Do you have any sense of where that might've come from or

00:17:39.320 our creator? I think at the time I didn't know it absolutely being a creation of his. Um, but

00:17:47.700 at the time I didn't think about it like that, I was just fascinated by the human body. And when I

00:17:52.860 went through my anatomy and physiology classes, I was like, Whoa, like this is crazy. And then I went

00:17:57.380 through labs dissecting cats. And I thought that was amazing. And so interesting to hear you say

00:18:02.440 that because a lot of modern religion, they tell you body doesn't matter at all. It's all, you know,

00:18:07.240 it's just kind of mamby pamby stuff in your head. But the ancient Christian writer Tertullian famously

00:18:12.120 said, the flesh is the hinge of salvation. You know, the faith is a sacramental faith. So you

00:18:17.420 receive the Holy Eucharist or any of the sacraments. And the idea is it's a meeting of the physical with

00:18:22.660 the metaphysical. And that's lost on so many people in modern life. But you're saying that

00:18:27.460 actually wittingly or unwittingly was, was drawing you to the body.

00:18:34.080 I love the human body. I think it's artwork. I really do. Like I, I, um,

00:18:40.520 when I started this journey on OnlyFans, I was very prone, like nudity, like, because I,

00:18:48.280 I love the human body. I think we're beautiful. Truly. I have a different form of that love now

00:18:54.860 for what I, it's more, I love what God created instead of just nudity, you know? So, and that

00:19:01.080 was, what's the, what, what do you see as the distinction?

00:19:04.700 Perversion. Perversion. That's pretty much the, the distinction I, I feel now is like

00:19:11.200 promiscuity versus, you know, like acceptance of something beautiful and seeing it for what

00:19:18.560 God created it to be and how God wants it to be used instead of being perverted in it.

00:19:23.860 Right. In, in almost a kind of idolatry. Like you think, you know, we could all name aspects

00:19:29.960 of the human body that we, uh, are. Yes. Pro to. But, but if you, you know, so if you consider

00:19:36.100 that, say in the context of marriage, as it ought to be, and you say, okay, really, you

00:19:40.320 know, this part's kind of nice and this part, but if you consider that as part of the integrated

00:19:44.120 whole of the person that is then also a composited body and soul, then that's all great. You

00:19:48.720 know, it's like a song of songs and we, it's really good. We're not trying to suppress that

00:19:52.260 desire. Nope. But if you, if you make an idol, you know, you, you, uh, have a thing for

00:19:57.220 this body part or that body part, then you, it really becomes in the, in the true sense

00:20:02.780 of the word, a fetish. It does. Like a fetish is a term that refers to pagan idolatry. Yes.

00:20:08.060 Right. Like, uh, you could have a fetish for some weird, like, you know, idol statue kind

00:20:11.720 of thing. Of course. Just like you can have a foot fetish. Right. Right. Absolutely. Or any,

00:20:15.480 you know, really any physical aspect. Absolutely. Which seems to be so, um, prominent today.

00:20:21.160 Yes. We, we live in a very evil and adulterous generation. So a perversion is a very big

00:20:27.080 part of that. I think there's so much more to say first though, go to preborn.com slash

00:20:32.360 Knowles. I am here today because exactly 34 years ago, almost to the minute, my mother

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00:21:14.780 baby or go to preborn.com slash Knowles. I really support this organization. Please donate as

00:21:22.040 generously as you can. Preborn.com slash Knowles. So you're saying you, you were taken by the body

00:21:29.580 and then led into this perversion. Yes. It started slow, kind of, but in that me being lost. So I was in

00:21:41.020 that job of orthopedics for two and a half years going on three. Um, it was when I got the opportunity

00:21:48.340 to start only fans and it was right before, right after COVID had just gotten out. Like it was still

00:21:57.220 like a mystery kind of, but we were hearing it online. I was hearing about Tik TOK and people were

00:22:01.440 kind of making fun of it, but it hadn't like shut everything down yet. So, um, this was super early

00:22:08.880 2020, like January. Um, I had gotten reached out to by someone on social media and I was not big on

00:22:15.360 social media at any manner. You just had a personal, just a personal Instagram or something. Like

00:22:21.340 soup. I was a nobody pretty much like very low following. Um, didn't have a Twitter, didn't have

00:22:26.500 like a Snapchat, didn't have a Facebook. But it was fitness. Fitness. So there's also that, you know,

00:22:31.160 you're into the orthopedics, you're into fitness. I am. I really love fitness. I've been working out

00:22:36.980 since I was like 18 before my brother went off to the air force. I like, I started working out with

00:22:42.260 him in the gym and it was just awesome. And then I carried all that over after he left for the air

00:22:46.660 force. I worked out once. Once. You didn't take. You didn't like it. Not for me. No. I, um, I enjoy

00:22:54.380 pushing yourself. I enjoy pain in that manner because I have a hard time before, before I met Christ.

00:23:02.580 I have a hard time feeling things. I really do. And what do you mean by that? I feel numb. I felt

00:23:09.000 numb. It's really difficult to, it was difficult for me to feel things like sadness. Like I felt like

00:23:17.160 I never cried. I never, I could get angry and my temper was probably a little worse than it should

00:23:22.720 have been. But crying was like not a big thing for me. I didn't feel very emotional. I felt very numb

00:23:29.480 to things. And I didn't have a lot of friends either. So like, and I chose that. Yeah. So I

00:23:35.480 truly chose that because I, I was sick of having people in my life that would just come to me and

00:23:40.960 complain about things and never want to change. I'm like, I'm the kind of person that will tell you,

00:23:45.360 Hey, you effed up. You would, you should probably do something about that. I'm here, but like,

00:23:51.720 don't come to me and just cry and then cry about the same thing again and come back and do the same

00:23:56.440 thing. I'm not going to listen after a certain, like certain period. Are you a man? You sort of

00:24:00.140 sound like a man. See, this is like, this is a thing I've actually gotten asked before, but not

00:24:05.000 like indirectly. Like, are you a man? I'm definitely a female. I'm a woman from birth. And I love that.

00:24:11.340 But I have, um, very masked like emotions. And I don't know if that's because of like how I was

00:24:16.920 raised or just a lot that I've gone through. When you say you have masked emotions, is it that you

00:24:22.700 have them, but you don't express them? Or you're saying you don't even really have them. You are

00:24:26.780 just actually kind of numb. You know, I do feel as though they're, they were masked because now

00:24:33.080 since I gave my life to Christ, I don't feel like that anymore. So I feel like damage was done in my

00:24:40.980 past that just kind of suppressed. And I felt as though I needed to be strong and I was all my own.

00:24:48.080 So I could be on my own and crying, or I could be on my own and independent and like fearless and

00:24:52.700 strong. What I believed strong looked like. And I didn't have a lot of people in my life,

00:24:58.340 um, including my parents and my siblings. And I, you know, siblings are funny thing because

00:25:03.720 like you like want to kill each other when you're younger. And then when you grow up,

00:25:07.880 you kind of go through this phase sometimes where you don't speak. And then when you're an adult,

00:25:11.460 you're like, there's no reason not to speak. You know, like we want to speak and we want to be

00:25:15.040 cordial. We want to see each other. It's amazing. It's an actual like phenomenon to me.

00:25:19.980 When you see your siblings grow up next to you, you take a little bit of a break. And then the next

00:25:24.460 time you revisit them, in my case, they're full grown adults, right? They're living lives. They have

00:25:29.520 children, they've been married and they're completely different people. So that's more than

00:25:33.840 a little bit of a break. Yes. It was like a couple of years, like three, four years. So, but,

00:25:38.880 but when you were growing up, were your siblings like you in the sense that they didn't know,

00:25:43.160 no. So you were, you were different. A little different, but I'm also the middle child. So I

00:25:47.100 feel like the middle child is just odd. This is an odd ball. So, um, whether that be due to like

00:25:53.940 no love or whatever that is, it's not that my parents didn't love me. They loved me in their

00:25:59.840 own way, but it was like, I, do you know about like the love languages? Uh, a little bit. I always

00:26:05.820 thought of myself as a Casanova, but I don't know the specific jargon. What's that definition?

00:26:09.220 Well, you know, I'm of Italian descent. Are you? That's why we get along. But, but I,

00:26:15.720 when you say love languages, are you referring to a technical kind of thing?

00:26:18.900 Yeah. So there's, uh, there's like equivalently like five love languages, like physical touch,

00:26:23.080 acts of service, gifts, words of affection. And there's one more, um, quality time.

00:26:29.440 For mine, it's food for me.

00:26:30.960 Food. Okay. That's somewhere in there. I love food too. I love to cook too. Love to cook. Um,

00:26:37.540 but you know, there's like this love language test that you can take and it just kind of tells you

00:26:43.200 what your physical love language is. You know, um, mine is physical touch. I feel the most loved

00:26:49.440 when I'm physically touched, whether it be holding hands, a pat on the back, a hug. That is how I

00:26:56.460 mainly accept and feel very loved. You know, like you have a love tank, you know, mine gets filled up

00:27:01.460 by physical touch. So, and it's not like sexual. It's, it's completely just really nice physical

00:27:07.860 touch. You know, again, it can just be like a pat on the back or, you know, a touch, but, um,

00:27:13.480 for everyone it's different. And so what I mean by that is like my parents didn't, I don't feel as

00:27:20.620 though they loved me in the way that I feel loved. Didn't give you a hug. My parent, my mom was a very

00:27:26.720 like more stern disciplinarian. She's so sweet, but it's not like, she's not like a hugger or

00:27:34.520 anything like at all, like doesn't touch kind of thing. And then my dad being like respectful

00:27:39.780 because I'm a woman, you know, doesn't do that at all. Like will not touch like that. So, and I was

00:27:45.720 like, okay, I get it. But like, I just need love, you know? So, you know, the craziest thing is I went

00:27:51.160 through counseling at, um, in my teenage years because I was acting out like crazy, like crazy

00:27:56.460 and couldn't explain it to myself. My parents didn't know what was going on with me. And I went

00:28:00.680 to a counselor and she specifically said the reason I was acting out was because I was looking for love.

00:28:07.640 And when you say acting out, what do you mean? So I was like sneaking out of my house when I was 15,

00:28:12.380 16 years old. Um, like sneaking out the window at like one or two in the morning when the whole house

00:28:17.300 had went to sleep, um, meeting boys, meeting random people. I wasn't drinking, doing drugs,

00:28:24.140 partying. I just wanted to be around people and have freedom. I had such a rush from sneaking out

00:28:29.160 of my house because it was like the only form of freedom that I felt like I had control over.

00:28:33.680 And it was, it was just, it was such a dark time in my life. And my parents ended up calling the cops

00:28:38.980 on me. And that was like the last time I did it. How did you even find these people? If you're in this

00:28:42.700 real online, like just random, I had an iPod, um, that I had a phone, but it didn't have internet

00:28:48.620 because my parents were like very strict about that. But I had secretly bought an iPod off of

00:28:54.100 line, like Craigslist or something, and connected it to my wifi and was just like meeting people like

00:28:59.480 that. And that was the most dangerous thing, obviously, but I didn't care. So you're meeting

00:29:04.640 them on Facebook or something or Facebook or like some kind of apps, like a dating app or something

00:29:10.680 like that. I can't remember specifically right now, but one was off Facebook for sure. Um,

00:29:15.860 I just, I did not care. I was just like, or if I met them in person, I'd get their details like

00:29:21.560 secretly. And then like, we talk like that, but, um, I just really wanted attention and I knew it

00:29:27.880 was like physically. So I have been like, I feel as though I'm very like sexual, like hyperactive

00:29:34.780 person. I, you know, that's what I told myself for the longest time because that's what I was

00:29:39.300 craving. But I think truly it was like physical touch, but in like a loving way and not a sexual

00:29:46.760 way. Right. Right. So, but that's what the counselor was like trying to explain to me was

00:29:51.420 that she feels as though I'm acting out in these, these ways, like these dramatic ways to one,

00:29:56.900 get attention and to like, just feel love that love that I'm not feeling at home because my parents

00:30:03.600 are focused on the church and not their kids. So like you can be a shepherd of the sheep in the

00:30:10.080 church, but if you're not being a shepherd in your own home, they're turning into wolves over here,

00:30:14.920 starving. Charity is the most important virtue, but charity begins at home. Love. Yeah. Yeah.

00:30:20.380 Absolutely. So I don't know anything about running a family, so I can't imagine how difficult it could

00:30:24.820 have been for sure. I'm not judging my parents in any manner. I think they did the best they could

00:30:28.740 truly. I'm not blaming them or anyone for my actions at all. It was completely my choice. We

00:30:34.740 all have free will, don't we? We do, though our will is conditioned by our circumstances. I agree

00:30:39.760 with that completely. When I watched your last podcast on that, I was like, wow, speak truth.

00:30:44.980 I know. It's not a very, it's not a very politically correct view now because it's not a very liberal

00:30:49.040 view. Yeah. But no, obviously, you know, this is why education is so important. It's why we call it

00:30:54.420 liberal education. It's not in like the modern political sense, but in the sense that the way

00:31:01.000 that we learn to use our freedom, to make sense of our freedom, is through education and cultivating

00:31:07.540 intellectual virtues, but also moral virtues that are habits. And if something goes wrong in that

00:31:13.980 instruction, you're liable to go wrong. You won't be able to exercise your free will.

00:31:19.400 Absolutely. And if you're not educated well on the topic or which who is at any age, you're not

00:31:24.620 educated on everything, but you back up on things that you were kind of influenced by, you know,

00:31:32.640 like if you don't actively have a knowledge about it, you kind of kick in with, well, this is what I

00:31:37.540 know, you know, this is what I've experienced. That's how I kind of feel about it. And again,

00:31:42.460 it's not blaming my parents in any manner. I'm very thankful for my parents, but.

00:31:47.300 But something went wrong. It really directed me, you know, in a weird way for sure. I really do

00:31:53.720 believe that. I'm really happy that, you know, I wouldn't take any of it back because it still

00:32:01.900 ended up shaping me into the person I am now, no matter what, like hurt. It's, it's a beautiful

00:32:08.760 thing. You wouldn't take what back? Your actions or the way you were raised? Both, actually. The,

00:32:14.080 my actions leading up to OnlyFans, my actions on OnlyFans, of course, I'm ashamed of it. I do want

00:32:19.180 to be very clear about that. In no way, shape or form should anyone go through that and be like,

00:32:23.720 oh, I'll just get saved later. Or it, I'll just get off after that. Or who cares about what my

00:32:28.620 reputation is later? You should absolutely care about who you are, who you're going to be. And

00:32:33.460 I don't think people now being influenced by it understand the direct harm it will do to your

00:32:40.860 mind, your body, and your soul. So it sounds like you're saying you do regret it. You just-

00:32:47.300 Of course. The actions, absolutely. Would I take it back? No. And this is the reasoning. Because I feel

00:32:55.020 like my testimony is very strong now. You know, in Paul in the Bible, or Saul who turned to Paul in the

00:33:01.280 Bible was absolutely persecuting and killing Christians, you know, and holding the coat for 1.00

00:33:07.220 people stoning the apostles, right? So he got radically changed on the road to Damascus. Completely

00:33:15.680 changed. You know, was blinded even. And regained his sight, but then radically got saved by God

00:33:22.220 himself and changed and became a living, walking testimony to people who were just like him or so

00:33:33.300 many others. You know, he started writing letters to the churches, you know, bluntly calling them out

00:33:38.880 or praising them for what they're doing in the community of Christ. And I thought that was so bold.

00:33:43.940 But why I say I wouldn't take it back is because God could absolutely use me if I never would have

00:33:49.420 gotten on OnlyFans. I don't need to have that testimony to be able to reach people. But if you

00:33:54.980 were a young girl thinking about starting an OnlyFans and being influenced by this current

00:34:01.680 generation to start an OnlyFans, would you listen to the person that's never been on OnlyFans or never

00:34:06.580 had any direct connection to it saying, don't do it, don't do it? Or would you listen to the person

00:34:10.940 at the top of the hill who's saying, there's a cliff after this?

00:34:15.120 Right. You might listen to both.

00:34:17.020 You could, absolutely, depending on so many different things. But I'm stubborn. So, and I'm

00:34:23.700 one of those hands-on people that kind of want to figure it out for myself. I personally would

00:34:30.000 listen to the person at the top of the hill being like, do not come up here. Please, you, this is

00:34:35.860 fatal, you know, other than someone who really doesn't have a whole bunch of knowledge on it and

00:34:40.960 hasn't even, might not even be experiencing the feelings and whatever that person's going

00:34:47.460 through. You know, a lot of insecurities. I say insecurities because that's exactly how I was

00:34:51.580 feeling in my life when I decided to join OnlyFans. About my looks, about how people perceived me,

00:34:58.960 being someone online. Like, there was a lot of pressure.

00:35:01.720 So you weren't, when you say you have insecurities about your looks or had them then,

00:35:05.500 it's not that you joined OnlyFans because you thought, I'm hot and I can make a buck.

00:35:09.600 You're saying, I think I'm ugly or something.

00:35:12.720 I needed to be noticed. Yeah. And a lot of people want to point that out about me. Like,

00:35:16.540 oh, you just want attention. Even now, I just want attention. I want God to have the attention,

00:35:21.900 full and foremost, about anything that I say now, it's about him and not me anymore. And I love that.

00:35:27.820 I'm so happy to have him take center stage and me be in the back with a clipboard, you know?

00:35:33.360 Yeah, yeah. Coupio dissolvi, to quote.

00:35:35.980 So, but then I was in such a horrible place in my mental. Again, not feeling much. Wasn't crying.

00:35:46.480 I went through quite a few really hard relationships that made me feel even worse about myself.

00:35:52.880 And I understand that it was my choice.

00:35:55.560 This is before OnlyFans.

00:35:56.480 Before OnlyFans, yes. So, I went through quite a few relationships. I didn't have good friends

00:36:02.580 at all. I wasn't in contact with my parents like that.

00:36:06.200 So, you already had falling out with your parents at this point? Before OnlyFans.

00:36:10.740 It wasn't as dramatic as the one when I started OnlyFans, but I was not like,

00:36:15.520 I was speaking to my dad, but we weren't like, good, good. And my mom and I just like barely ever

00:36:20.540 spoke. So, her and I have never really had a good relationship, although I do hope that changes.

00:36:25.500 We still don't have a good relationship, and I'm not quite sure why. But, you know, I, in my mind,

00:36:34.420 I expected this change to be like the prodigal son returning, you know? In my mind, I was like,

00:36:42.200 I hope that's something like what it's like to return home whole and not whole. He didn't come

00:36:47.800 back whole. He came back broken, you know? But, and then he comes back to his home, you know,

00:36:53.500 where he belongs and got an amazing welcome. I'm not expecting a piece.

00:36:56.260 And had a delicious fatted calf.

00:36:57.400 Yes. Yes. And I wanted that, but it did not happen at all. And it kind of broke my heart a

00:37:04.020 little bit.

00:37:04.720 With either of your parents, it didn't happen.

00:37:06.080 In fact, they're actually getting another divorce right now. Oh, man, that's brutal.

00:37:15.460 Yeah. But it's okay, you know? It's okay.

00:37:19.920 Yeah. And God's overarching providence, all things will be turned to good, doesn't make

00:37:25.840 it any more pleasant at the time.

00:37:27.180 It doesn't, but this is human feeling, you know? And we all experience things. And honestly,

00:37:32.080 I'm thankful for the feeling, you know? I'm thankful to be able to feel again. I actually

00:37:37.360 praise God that I can feel things. I praise God when I'm crying. I praise God when I'm

00:37:41.600 happy because it all belongs to him anyway. He is our creator.

00:37:44.380 I rejoice in my sufferings. It's a very traditional view.

00:37:47.420 It's also downplayed in modern religion, which is that suffering is sanctifying because it

00:37:52.260 joins us to the sufferings of Christ on the cross.

00:37:54.260 It does. Exactly. I just heard that yesterday too, and I could not be more just shaken by that.

00:38:01.500 I was like, wow. When Christ was suffering on the cross, he was able to forgive people who

00:38:06.340 were killing him. And that was so beautiful. He wasn't rejoicing in the suffering, but thankful

00:38:13.120 for it. And I was like, wow. And he changed the world, completely changed the world.

00:38:19.380 And created it.

00:38:20.060 Yes. So I want to be like that, and I want to learn how to recorrect what I believed previously.

00:38:26.600 Um, I'm just really excited for this new learning portion in my life because I thought I was a

00:38:32.500 scholar. Truly. I really did. I thought I had it all down. I'm like, I'm independent. I'm making

00:38:37.300 money. I don't need a man. I am good to go. Like my future, my career, everything is great. Like

00:38:43.860 I got a dog. I'm fine. Classic modern millennials. It's just like, I got everything. I got money and 0.99

00:38:51.820 a computer and a dog. What else do I? I drive a Porsche. Like, this is great. So man, my mind could

00:38:58.600 not be more changed. Oh my gosh. My soul is forever changed from that. Um, so.

00:39:06.440 So you, you never had a good relationship with your parents and they keep getting divorced and

00:39:11.280 it's deeply painful and it's very frustrating. And now you, you know, you've kind of gone down

00:39:17.360 this path and, and some guy reaches out to you, whoever that is and says, Hey, you should join

00:39:22.880 OnlyFans and you'll make a lot of money and get famous. Yep. And then that happened.

00:39:27.960 It actually happened. Which doesn't happen for anyone, but it did happen for you.

00:39:31.060 It was crazy because I, the guy was like a recruiter. I don't know if he worked with OnlyFans.

00:39:35.800 I didn't like stay in contact with him along, but he was trying to get me to sign up under

00:39:39.540 this code. So he tried to get me to sign up. I thought it was sketchy. So I didn't use his

00:39:46.160 code. I was like, I'm not going to do that. I don't even know who you are. And then I started

00:39:51.160 OnlyFans. I was doing it all by myself and I made like $85,000 the first month. I had worked

00:39:58.900 my butt off for a month and I knew, I knew that I wanted to create content on Tik TOK,

00:40:06.640 on Instagram. I just like, I'm a creative person and I wanted to make videos for Tik TOK. I wanted

00:40:14.660 to quit my job because my job at the time in orthopedics was going nowhere. I was not getting

00:40:19.620 promoted. I was just kind of in the same spot that I was like two and a half years ago. I was so

00:40:23.780 disappointed in that because I know I'm like a leader. I know I'm like supposed to be the CEO.

00:40:28.340 I just know, like I feel it in my bones.

00:40:31.240 When I started broadcasting on the internet, I think I made $85 in my first month, maybe my first

00:40:39.840 year, $85,000. So how? I mean, not, this is not, I mean, no way am I, you're a lovely gal. I'm sure

00:40:48.380 you were very good at it. But how is it that what the median income on OnlyFans is like 300 bucks or

00:40:56.680 something a month or I think maybe even lower than that. What was it about you that was able to make,

00:41:04.160 you know, annualized like a million dollars a year starting out for day one?

00:41:08.840 So the biggest thing I think that changed my OnlyFans career was that I had a niche in the system.

00:41:13.620 One, I have red hair. Two, I'm a gamer. Three, I love anime and I'm a cosplayer.

00:41:21.060 So I put all of that energy into creating Nala. 0.97

00:41:25.900 You're a weeb.

00:41:27.360 I'm a weeb.

00:41:28.140 Is that what a, is that, so I learned that term because you're the second weeb that's been on

00:41:33.060 this show. The first one was Archduke Edward Habsburg, the Hungarian ambassador to the Holy

00:41:37.700 Sea. And the second one is Nala Ray. So you're into all this weird nerdy stuff.

00:41:42.760 Weird stuff, yeah.

00:41:43.500 And that's what made you a million dollars a year starting day one.

00:41:45.980 Yeah, I just think that no one was doing stuff like that on OnlyFans at the time. And I was

00:41:51.600 just like, let's try it, you know? And I started in, and I started in mainly on my cosplaying

00:41:58.200 because my biggest thing that I sold was that I'm not just one girl. I'm multiple girls.

00:42:03.980 So cosplaying is?

00:42:05.640 Changing hair, makeup. I wore fake contacts and outfits. So I completely looked like a different

00:42:11.540 person. And so had characters kind of to each character kind of thing, like their own personality

00:42:17.140 almost. So I was like multiple women in one.

00:42:21.080 Two for the price of one. There you go.

00:42:22.420 Yeah.

00:42:22.600 So that was like my selling point was just kind of that. And I was, the first month I was only

00:42:27.480 selling like lewd pictures and that was about it and talking to them on OnlyFans. I didn't get into

00:42:33.500 porn until like quite a few months later. I was like really trying to think about it first

00:42:39.140 before because I was getting so many offers to start porn or doing more and more for more money.

00:42:44.540 So you were making 85 grand a month without, it was just naked pictures basically?

00:42:50.820 That's it. That's literally it.

00:42:52.080 So, wow.

00:42:53.000 And sexualizing talk with them, but that's about it. Like from the comfort of my own home.

00:42:59.060 But that's never, so I don't know. Knowing a little bit about human nature, I know that that

00:43:04.400 would never be enough for anybody because that's not how like lust and desire work.

00:43:08.580 Yeah.

00:43:08.860 But one could imagine, you say, okay, I'm now going to make a million dollars a year

00:43:14.820 and I've compromised my dignity and I've given myself some reputational damage, but it's only

00:43:20.420 nude pictures. These days, every woman sends naked pictures. 1.00

00:43:23.400 That was definitely my logic at the time.

00:43:25.980 And so why wouldn't you then say a million's enough, no more. I'm only going to keep doing

00:43:33.160 this. I'm not going to go further and make, you know, full porn videos.

00:43:37.160 What's crazy is there was like a time in that period before I started porn, um, that my parents

00:43:45.420 had found out. And how did they find out?

00:43:48.560 So it was, uh, it was a crazy circumstance. I was out to dinner with my parents, um, just

00:43:53.320 me and them. And a waiter came up to our table and was like, are you Nala? And I was like,

00:43:59.020 no, absolutely not. And all my mom had to do was Google the name Nala. There's no other

00:44:07.740 Nala out there. Nothing. And it showed everything like my Twitter. 0.96

00:44:12.380 So Nala is your stage name. Okay. I wasn't sure. Okay. So she, she had never heard the

00:44:17.780 name Nala.

00:44:18.160 Nothing.

00:44:18.580 But this guy also, what a creep.

00:44:20.020 I was so angry. I was like, can you not see that? I'm with my parents.

00:44:23.700 But even then, even, even if you were alone or with friends or something, if you're a 1.00

00:44:29.020 dude and you see a porn actress, wouldn't you just keep it to yourself? Because basically

00:44:34.420 you're going up and admitting like, Hey, I'm a pervert.

00:44:36.540 I watch you.

00:44:37.120 Yeah. I'm a freak, man.

00:44:38.480 You'd be surprised. I have had so many people over the years come up to me out of the blue

00:44:42.260 and just be like, are you Nala? Can I take a photo with you? I'm like, you know what?

00:44:45.320 Sure.

00:44:45.980 Wow.

00:44:47.040 It's part of the business, unfortunately, but there are a lot of people who have come up to me

00:44:50.980 a lot. And so it's just like, okay, like, what am I going to say? No.

00:44:55.920 Yeah. Yeah.

00:44:56.320 Like at the time I'm like, I just need to be kind to everybody. You know, they are my

00:44:59.920 supporters. You know, they're giving me money. So what am I going to say and be mean? Absolutely

00:45:04.780 not. I'm not a mean person anyway. So, but yeah, that's how they found out. My mom like

00:45:09.520 didn't know at the direct time of the dinner that that was who I was. But then like the next

00:45:13.800 couple of days she found out, did research. And that was when I decided to move to California

00:45:18.600 at that time. So I was already going to be leaving Florida, but, um, it was so hard.

00:45:24.720 Why were you going to move to California?

00:45:26.400 What's that?

00:45:27.040 You said you were going to move to California.

00:45:28.360 I was in Florida at the time.

00:45:29.680 But why, why did you want to just for my business had started growing and I didn't want to be

00:45:34.220 near my family while I was doing this. I wanted to keep it all separate. And I felt like a big

00:45:39.600 fish in a little pond in Florida. I did. And I wanted to be a little fish in a big pond.

00:45:44.100 Yeah.

00:45:44.500 So just a network and see where it went. But again, I told you, like, I'm a leader. Like

00:45:49.300 I, whatever I try to put my time and energy into, I do it a hundred percent and I will go

00:45:54.100 hard. So what happened was like my parents kind of disowned me and like I stopped talking

00:46:00.280 to all my siblings and it broke me.

00:46:03.200 Not, not to bring up a bad memory, but you sort of seem to gloss over that a bit. You say,

00:46:07.640 and so my parents disowned me in this, but that sounds like catastrophic. I mean,

00:46:12.620 it was, um, we had this like final talk before I, the day before I left for California and we were

00:46:17.760 just out on my porch in my apartment and my mom didn't say a word to me the whole time when I was

00:46:23.320 like, they knew I was moving the next day, but didn't say anything to me. Wouldn't even look at me.

00:46:28.720 And my dad was just kind of like trying to come to terms with it verbally, but I wasn't saying

00:46:33.940 anything. Cause I was like, I don't know what you're trying to work out here, but I don't like

00:46:37.700 know what you want me to say. Like, um, I know you disapprove. I just want to know if you still

00:46:43.040 love me. Yeah. But I didn't ask that directly. But the one thing that my mom said before they

00:46:49.780 walked out the door was just like, I hope you're happy in your endeavors. And then just left and

00:46:53.920 it broke my heart truly. So, but she, she must've been in some immense pain. Probably felt a bit of

00:47:01.740 guilt. It's all right. Very dreadful thing all around. And, and, and of course they probably

00:47:23.560 felt a bit of guilt because they are thinking of, you know, their own actions and it kind

00:47:27.240 of leads to this. And so what do you say? Can I get your tissue? Um, yeah, thank you.

00:47:35.900 I think, uh, the biggest thing is that I've never really dove into that feeling, never talked

00:47:42.080 about this. Um, because again, it was just something I was like, I can't even deal with

00:47:46.360 this. I can't think about it. It is hurtful to think that your parents actually do have

00:47:52.820 like a line drawn in the sand to what they will accept and not accept. And will they actually like

00:47:59.560 love you past a certain point? And, um, I guess that answer was kind of no. Do you think it was

00:48:06.060 no though? Or do you think they were just kind of, you know, I, I kind of think that because I went

00:48:12.080 three years without speaking to my mom. Like there was absolutely no communication and except for she

00:48:17.580 did send me a letter, like an email, um, that was just saying that I had drifted far from God

00:48:23.320 and that this wasn't his purpose for my life. And I was like, okay, thanks. Appreciate that.

00:48:28.920 Like, that's great. Um, I was very hurt by that because it just didn't feel real. I didn't feel

00:48:34.500 like she was being real with me. I felt like she was judging me and I don't deal well with judgment.

00:48:39.500 I'm a very rebellious person when it comes up to judgment. Um, like that's just kind of who I am

00:48:44.700 sometimes, which I'm not saying is right, but I really came at it. Like,

00:48:49.180 I don't care what you say. Like, that's what you're going to say to me after all. That's what

00:48:53.940 you're going to say to me. I'm already on this path. Why not just keep going? And that point in

00:48:59.160 my life, I remember that was when I was like, I have nothing else to lose. You know, we have the

00:49:05.660 slowest tissue service. Wow. I appreciate you so much. We can just keep going. Thank you.

00:49:11.600 Okay. Thank you. Yeah. I'm so sorry. No, not at all. So you have this heartbreaking moment

00:49:20.020 with your parents and then you move the next day. For good. Did you, did you, uh,

00:49:29.340 did it hit you the significance of that at the, you know, absolutely. I was very hurt,

00:49:34.920 but didn't know how to like express my anything. I had no emotions to express with that. I remember

00:49:41.420 remember standing in my shower, just like letting the hot water go over me and just staring at the

00:49:47.660 floor. I wasn't crying. Wasn't, I felt nothing. And I was just like, okay, like let's move on now.

00:49:57.760 Like, let's go. Because if I let this, I always felt that like emotions could weaken you. Like in that,

00:50:03.940 I really did. I don't know why I can't explain why I felt that, but I, I needed to be strong for

00:50:09.880 myself. And I knew that I needed to continue going on. Do you think there's anything that

00:50:14.080 your parents could have said that would have gotten you not to do it? Absolutely. I said that

00:50:18.520 in my last interview as well. Like if, if, if you could go back and if someone could have said

00:50:23.640 something to you, would you have changed your mind? And the answer is a million percent because

00:50:28.880 I know how I react to, to love, to true love. Like I feel the genuine, genuine nitty in it.

00:50:38.280 I feel that. Yes. I feel like if somebody, I don't know who, but a friend or a boyfriend or my parents

00:50:49.660 or my, one of my siblings could have sat me down and didn't say anything elaborate, but just,

00:50:56.140 Hey, like, this is not it. Like expressed the,

00:51:01.260 the warning in this, like warned me in any manner. Cause I didn't know anyone in the field,

00:51:09.680 nobody in OnlyFans yet. I'd only just kind of had people around me that were in my previous life

00:51:14.320 and that was it. But I didn't have any friends, like no friends at all. I was just kind of working

00:51:18.880 every single day and that was it in my little apartment with my dog. Like that was it. So,

00:51:23.800 um, I wasn't really like in the outside world. I was just kind of in all the time.

00:51:27.840 Just you and a computer basically. That's it. And my iPhone, like that was it. And like I had sets

00:51:32.420 kind of set up around my home to do like different cosplay shoots and stuff, but that was it. Like

00:51:37.280 my home wasn't even looked like a home. It was like a big studio. So, um, if someone would have said

00:51:44.460 like, Hey, you are worth so much more than this, or I was really struggling with insecurity at the

00:51:50.260 time and thought that was like why I needed the attention and the attention did feel good.

00:51:55.200 And for people out there wanting to be like, Oh, she just wanted attention. You're absolutely right.

00:52:00.320 I wanted attention. Um, whatever that attention looked like, I didn't care because I just needed

00:52:05.500 to feel something, you know? And I feel like I craved that so much was just being able to feel

00:52:11.280 something. And that's definitely a wrong way to go about it, but I did it and I can't take it back.

00:52:18.600 But there was a lot of crucial moments in my life, like in only fans, that world that broke me and

00:52:26.500 continued breaking me. And then it was like, it's like when you're in the military, I've never been

00:52:31.260 in the military, but I've heard a lot of stories like you, you get broken and rebuilt the way they

00:52:36.220 want you to be built up. Correct. So I felt like I had just been broken and broken and broken and

00:52:42.480 broken and just needed to heal and get over it, like stuff it back. So what's the progression?

00:52:48.960 So after I started, after that significant thing happened with my parents, I started porn and it was

00:52:55.320 only with my partner. And I do want to clarify something, not that it matters, but I, I get

00:53:00.440 frustrated at the people on the internet saying like, Oh, you have so many bodies in the five years that I

00:53:05.980 was on only fans. I literally slept with three people and two of those were my partners. Like

00:53:12.680 my, I was in relationship with them for over a year. So, because two of them did only fans. So it

00:53:18.860 was like a part of our relationship was that we just did only fans together and sold it.

00:53:23.860 You racked up a lower body count than probably the average American undergraduate in that period of

00:53:28.600 time. That's what I'm saying. So I, I was never about like sleeping around, but my image online

00:53:34.580 needed to be that so that other people like my, okay. So the people that buy my content are what

00:53:40.340 men, men, if they think that they have a chance with me, they'll buy my content because they just

00:53:45.840 want to speak to me. Right? So I'm really good at marketing myself in that manner to think that

00:53:51.180 they could potentially have a chance with me. I never marketed that I had a boyfriend. It was just

00:53:55.680 people I was sleeping with. And that's how I would market my only fans in the messages was like,

00:54:01.020 oh, I met this guy at the bar. It's my boyfriend. Right. I met this guy at the mall. It's my

00:54:05.160 boyfriend. Like, but most of the time they wouldn't show their faces. So you really couldn't tell.

00:54:09.580 So I'm a genius at marketing that way. I really was like, I knew what men wanted. I even read some

00:54:17.060 dating books. Like one of them was called The Game. I can't remember who was like a pickup artist

00:54:21.960 thing. Something like that. And I wanted to understand men's brains to be able to do my work

00:54:26.740 correctly. Like I... Certain kind of male brain, I guess. Yes. A different one for sure. So at this

00:54:34.060 point now, it's no longer just you're taking pictures and basically selling lust or enticing

00:54:41.520 lust. And that's how you... There's now this layer of deceit because you're lying. Absolutely.

00:54:47.580 Absolutely. I'm selling a fantasy. But are you justifying this to yourself? Is it sort of like,

00:54:54.140 well, I'm an actress and I'm playing a role? Or are you not justifying it at all? And you think,

00:54:57.360 who cares? I'm just doing whatever. I think a little bit of both. I didn't think about it that

00:55:02.180 much at the time. I just knew I was in a world of fantasy. Like none of... You're not even touching

00:55:07.960 me anyway. You know what I'm saying? And in porn, it's a fantasy. Right? The man is experiencing a

00:55:16.140 fantasy with the girl that he's watching on screen. You know? So I was like, I'm a storyteller.

00:55:22.320 That's how I kind of looked at it. So who's this boyfriend though? This boyfriend... He had his

00:55:26.620 own OnlyFans? OnlyFans, yes. Men have OnlyFans? Oh yeah. Absolutely. They don't do half as well or 1.00

00:55:33.080 even a quarter of well as women do because women don't buy porn. Men buy porn. I had a thought that

00:55:38.060 I would start in OnlyFans and I would read Italian poetry. They were fully clothed. That would be

00:55:43.380 beautiful. That would be beautiful. Now the problem is I'd be giving money to OnlyFans because they'd get a 1.00

00:55:47.540 cut of it. Yep. So I couldn't... But now you're telling me I would only... At best, I'd do a

00:55:51.920 quarter as well. I'm sure that there is a crowd that would love to see you. But that means what?

00:55:56.200 I'll make 20 grand a month? I don't know. I don't know. It's not worth it. With the amount of people

00:56:00.860 on OnlyFans, I think you would have a good shot, honestly. So he had his own thing and that's got to

00:56:05.800 be just for gay guys. Yep. There's no way it's women. It was just called gay baiting. And it was a very 0.90

00:56:10.900 disturbing thing that I had to witness for sure. Wow. So you're dating this guy who is doing gay 1.00

00:56:19.140 or gay adjacent stuff on OnlyFans. And he's your boyfriend and he's your... But he's your secret 0.81

00:56:25.580 boyfriend because he's also your scene partner. Yes. And did you have this sense... I don't purport to

00:56:32.700 have female psychology or even desire at work, but do you have the sense of like, hmm, this guy ain't

00:56:39.520 Prince Charming. This guy ain't the man of my dream. Oh, absolutely. I knew I was not going to

00:56:42.900 marry that man. I just thought it was like more of a work relationship. It was like, cool, we both do

00:56:47.720 the same thing. That's great. Like, I didn't care. And again, I had this crazy feeling inside that I

00:56:54.480 would probably never get married because of like what I did. And I was like, you know, if I have to

00:57:00.140 accept that, I just need to accept that. I did not by any means think that that was going to be my

00:57:04.960 husband or anything. Like I knew it was a short-lived relationship. Had you wanted to get

00:57:09.620 married as a kid or a young kid? Yeah, absolutely. Most girls, they dream of their wedding day. I did

00:57:14.680 for sure. And then, but at some point though, you start pursuing this thing because it's going to

00:57:20.000 lead you to your other goals and it's going to make you rich and famous. But then you end up,

00:57:24.340 I guess this is how a Faustian bargain works. The thing that you were aiming at, you end up losing.

00:57:29.040 So you say, okay, well, to have this life, which includes getting married, I got to do porn.

00:57:34.860 And then, but actually the porn is going to preclude me from getting married. But oh,

00:57:38.160 well, nevermind. At least I'm still doing porn. At least I'm still doing porn. In my mind,

00:57:42.040 it wasn't, I'm doing porn. It was like, at least I can be financially independent. Like I was like,

00:57:49.120 I made so much more money than my partner at the time. So much more money. I would imagine.

00:57:53.420 And so I, in my head, it was just hard to see like a man who would be able to accept that.

00:57:59.180 Like a woman making more money and being the complete breadwinner. Like I could come into 1.00

00:58:03.900 your life and spoil the F out of you. Just like everything, you know, could give you whatever

00:58:08.160 you wanted. And that, I'd love if the Tech Philippe watch would be good. Maybe like a,

00:58:12.720 some kind of a nice briefcase or I'm just, you know. I heard you like the Kiehl's lip balm.

00:58:18.080 That's probably the most expensive thing I have around here. Those things are like a thousand

00:58:22.040 dollars. Yeah. Yeah. So, right. So you're saying it's not even just, I want to be financially

00:58:27.000 independent compared to my family growing up. Say you're saying even compared to this guy I'm

00:58:33.420 dating, this guy's a schlub. He's poor. Absolutely. And I'm so. I had very little respect for him.

00:58:39.320 Very little. Fair enough. Right. Well, you're gay baiting. I thought that was really gross. Honestly,

00:58:43.680 like, but he didn't do that the whole relationship. He had just started that almost by the end of our

00:58:48.180 relationship. I was so against it. I didn't know how to feel about it. I was like. How homophobic of

00:58:54.360 you. Very homophobic. Yes. Of course. Obviously it was very hard to deal with for the short amount of

00:59:00.740 time that I did deal with it, but I really didn't understand it. But why, again, I don't purport to

00:59:06.720 understand female psychology. Why, why was it so important to be financially independent? Like why not just 1.00

00:59:13.460 you know, you're obviously a charming, smart, good looking girl. Why not just like go 1.00

00:59:20.020 marry a rich hunk? You know, I was told that by people, including my dad, like you could be a

00:59:26.740 trophy wife. I was like, ew. Do we literally have a Gucci bag flung in front of my face and be like,

00:59:34.860 ah, ew. No, I'm a very independent person at heart and I never wanted to be controlled. I have a very

00:59:41.640 hard time being controlled. Like I feel like a bird. I want to fly, you know? And I was like,

00:59:47.100 I will not absolutely do that. But so many people that I met in my life were trophy wives or little

00:59:52.480 like sugar babies. I was so. A sugar baby. Yeah. I've heard about that on the whatever podcast.

00:59:57.220 I could never. Oh my gosh, never. I feel like I would overtake that man in a heartbeat. Like,

01:00:02.300 oh, I'd be like, nope. But I guess, sure, you don't want to be just a trophy wife or something 1.00

01:00:09.840 like that. But I guess in modernity, it seems like those are the two options that people think

01:00:16.560 they have. You can either be totally independent. I am woman, hear me roar. I'm going to go make all

01:00:21.340 the money. Or you can just be, you know, the Stepford wife or something. But like in a healthy

01:00:27.460 marriage, there is a mutual dependence. Yes. I'm very dependent on my wife. I consider myself

01:00:33.040 the head of my household. When rubber meets the road, you know, I'll step up. I'll be the macho man.

01:00:38.700 But in terms of practical life, my wife does a lot. I'm extremely dependent. She's the nurturer. 0.99

01:00:44.420 I would starve. She's like the homemaker. I would. I would be emaciated if my wife were not. Or, 1.00

01:00:48.560 you know, I don't know that I actually physically pay a single bill in my home. I don't. Could you

01:00:55.380 imagine if I were left with the kids for two days? What would happen? They'd probably have me tied up,

01:00:59.980 you know, hostage. And they just went around like crazy. You know, meaning, and beyond these very

01:01:04.960 practical things, there are even deeper kind of dependencies that I have for my wife. And she 0.97

01:01:09.500 has many for me too. You know, not to, I don't want to seem like I'm being falsely modest.

01:01:14.140 Right. You both bring a lot to the table. But it's like, it fits perfectly. Because again,

01:01:18.860 the wife is like the neck and the body, and the man is the head. You know, you can't walk around 1.00

01:01:24.580 without a head and the head cannot walk around without a body. Right. That's precisely, in fact,

01:01:29.960 that's the perfect image for it. So meaning at this time in your life, you think, well, I don't want

01:01:35.180 to be dependent on a man, particularly this schlub that I'm dating. So, but did you not have a sense

01:01:40.660 that you could have a good marriage? At the time, absolutely not. I was, I was just so, again,

01:01:50.560 numb. I was just like, you know, this is what I did. I need to accept the, you know, there's

01:01:57.120 consequences to your actions. I need to accept the consequences to these actions. And I had no idea

01:02:04.400 I was going to get radically saved by Christ. So in that form in my life, in that period of time,

01:02:09.800 I was like, you know what? I need to potentially understand that I could definitely be single for

01:02:15.320 the rest of my life. And that was a, it wasn't, it was a hard pill to swallow. So it did, that saddened

01:02:20.920 you to come to that realization. It did, absolutely. I was like, man, maybe I should have thought about

01:02:25.820 this a little more, you know? And again, I've had people in the industry who are still in the industry

01:02:31.860 get married, but I didn't want that. I didn't, I wanted to be out of the industry to get married.

01:02:37.620 I did not want my husband to have to accept that, you know, like, accept me, but not that.

01:02:45.080 Like, I didn't want to be married and be on OnlyFans, like, at all. What kind of a marriage is that?

01:02:49.700 What kind of, I don't, I would not understand that. One could, if one were in that predicament,

01:02:53.980 one could have a proper marriage, but you couldn't do it at, but you would have to quit OnlyFans.

01:03:00.500 Absolutely. You couldn't do it. Absolutely. Like, if I was a husband and my wife was on OnlyFans,

01:03:04.540 I'd be shocked. It'd be insane. It would be the insecurities that that door brings

01:03:10.900 for a husband and a wife. And the husband becomes a pimp. He's just a pimp, basically.

01:03:14.260 That's exactly what it is. A million percent. And that's like, you're encouraging it because what?

01:03:18.980 Your wife's making you money? Is money really that important? It was to me then, but oh my gosh,

01:03:24.880 my viewpoints have changed so much since then. Why was money so, I mean, look, I like having money.

01:03:29.920 It's nice. Yeah. But, and when I grew up, I didn't, we didn't have a lot of money. Me neither.

01:03:35.840 And I have more money now, certainly. And it's great. But actually, practically speaking,

01:03:42.120 I still wear pretty much the same clothes. My sweaters are a little nicer. And I still eat

01:03:48.140 pretty much the same food. Shaggy dog once a year. And, you know, I don't know. I still drink pretty

01:03:54.580 much the same drinks and smoke pretty much the same cigars. And practically, like, I guess there's a

01:03:59.120 number on a screen that is larger. But practically, it doesn't, at a certain point, it really doesn't

01:04:05.240 affect your life that much. I understand. It really doesn't. And I came to that point,

01:04:08.480 that conclusion that, you know, I was making millions and I didn't feel any different. I could

01:04:14.340 buy anything that I wanted and I still felt the exact same. And that feeling that I was feeling

01:04:21.340 was empty. You know, all that numbness was emptiness, like, complete and total emptiness

01:04:27.880 and unaware of that, for sure. But loneliness, emptiness, not feeling fulfilled. You know,

01:04:35.820 I was like a creator and I was like, oh, I'm being creative. But that's such a lie. Like,

01:04:41.040 that's not creative to spread your legs. It's not. It's not at all.

01:04:45.800 It's not even procreative. Not at all. Absolutely not. And I went through this really crazy time

01:04:53.400 where, you know, this was very recently, where for ending my OnlyFans career, I was feeling that

01:05:00.600 more and more on a day-to-day basis. And I had met my current husband now on TikTok.

01:05:06.040 So that's, is that news?

01:05:08.720 Yes, that's good news. Yes, it's, it's very, very new news. Um, I have a husband. I got married.

01:05:16.900 Marvelous.

01:05:18.240 So, yeah.

01:05:19.020 And when did that happen?

01:05:19.940 This last Sunday.

01:05:22.040 Yeah.

01:05:22.720 So we're, we're filming this on, what day is it? Wednesday?

01:05:26.240 Yeah.

01:05:27.380 So, and have you made a public announcement about this?

01:05:29.740 Nope.

01:05:30.280 So am I, I'm, I like the 15th person to find this out or something?

01:05:34.120 You're like the 7th person to find this out.

01:05:36.840 Right. Wow.

01:05:37.840 Not even my parents know.

01:05:39.660 That's great. Well, one does, one does not congratulate a woman on getting married because 0.97

01:05:44.680 even though popularly people do it, but it's very, it's sort of offensive because you're

01:05:48.580 basically saying, oh, what, some man picked you? So really one says, best wishes. This

01:05:52.720 is marvelous. One congratulates the man who I haven't, I haven't met yet. I'm presumably

01:05:57.060 somewhere.

01:05:57.580 You will for sure.

01:05:58.720 That's marvelous. And this was Easter Sunday.

01:06:01.140 This was Easter Sunday, resurrection day. What better day to get married? But we were ready.

01:06:05.540 We were so ready. We knew months ago, like we wanted to get married to each other.

01:06:09.680 That saying truly stands where when you know, you know, like I could not be more sure,

01:06:16.380 like absolutely not. And this man was the one who introduced me to Christ again. You know,

01:06:21.680 I have this past with Christ where like I was a pastor's kid, but I never truly had a relationship

01:06:27.100 with God. I was just a pastor's kid under like some umbrella. And that's not a relationship at

01:06:32.160 all. That's like religion umbrella. So for me, he was the one who started speaking to me and praying

01:06:40.200 over me. We were just friends, like nothing romantic at all.

01:06:44.060 How'd you meet?

01:06:45.140 We met on TikTok actually. It was crazy.

01:06:48.040 Is that the first good thing that's ever come out of TikTok?

01:06:50.480 Absolutely.

01:06:51.000 Might be the only.

01:06:51.520 A million percent. But it started as such an amazing friendship. And he lived in Virginia.

01:06:56.320 I lived in California. We didn't like touch or meet for months. We only spoke on FaceTime

01:07:02.720 almost every single day, all day long. Like I just, we got to know each other without any

01:07:09.100 physical touch, which is like my love language. So that was crazy for me.

01:07:13.900 Oh, right, right.

01:07:14.260 Right.

01:07:14.640 But how does one meet on TikTok?

01:07:17.880 Okay. This was crazy. So he does like live battling on TikTok. And I was just swiping one

01:07:23.700 night and he had, he's prior Air Force. And he had this like battle helmet on and like a bulletproof

01:07:31.640 like vest on. It was, it was amazing. And so he was in his like live room wearing that. And I was

01:07:39.200 just so curious. I was like, why does this guy look like he's about to go into battle?

01:07:41.860 Wait, you're telling me you marry this like giga Chad Air Force, like military guy, but he's also

01:07:47.840 a total nerd who's like playing video games?

01:07:50.400 Yes. I'm so lucky. I swear. Not even lucky. I'm blessed.

01:07:53.480 There's kind of a parallel with your, with your interest.

01:07:55.080 Yes. He's so blessed. But we met because I, I found him so funny on live. I was like,

01:08:01.760 who is this guy? Because every time he got a big gift, he'd like throw his chair. I just loved

01:08:08.000 his character. I was like, what? I have to get to know this guy. So we were just talking

01:08:12.680 nothing sexual at all, which was odd for me because of my past. And I had been single then

01:08:19.780 for about almost two years. I had taken a huge break from dating anyone. I was just like,

01:08:26.020 I'm done. I'm so done because of how my last relationship ended with the gay bader. 1.00

01:08:31.540 The gay performance.

01:08:32.460 Yeah. The schmutz. 0.65

01:08:33.980 Yeah.

01:08:34.800 Anyway. So, um, we just started talking and it was a couple months before we met. We met in

01:08:40.240 Nashville for the first time. That's what we decided to meet. Yeah. So it was, it was so special.

01:08:45.660 Um, and again, he was not sexual with me in the least bit. He would barely hug me. And I loved that.

01:08:52.420 It was something about that that just like, I was like, wow. Like I was enthralled by it. I was so

01:08:58.880 happy and thankful, but I got to love him in such a different way. And it was like a being best

01:09:04.620 friends first. And he even said it. Um, he was like, you're my best friend. I don't talk to anyone

01:09:09.220 this much. I don't get along with anyone like this. And again, we're both kind of nerds. We both played

01:09:14.780 call of duty together, like while we were on FaceTime. And so it was, I've never played call of

01:09:20.240 duty. Really? We're both big gamers. Wow. That's cool. That's really cool. And then you meet up here

01:09:27.000 and hit the honky tonks or something. We stayed in two separate rooms. Yeah. I didn't want to do

01:09:33.420 anything. So were you, at this point you were off OnlyFans or you're still on? No, I was still on.

01:09:37.320 You're still on it, but you're, you're prudish about the sharing a hotel room with your boyfriend.

01:09:42.160 Oh, we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend. The first time we met, we were just friends. He had not asked

01:09:46.140 me to be his girlfriend yet. So, which is again, why I was very thankful. This is so, um, this is

01:09:52.260 really charming to me in a way, but you're, you're coming at this, at this point in your life,

01:09:57.680 you're a, you're a pornographic actress. You, you, you know, you kind of have some worldly wisdom at 1.00

01:10:03.940 this point, but you're, but you're saying like, well, you know, Teehee, he didn't ask me to go

01:10:09.360 steady yet. I didn't, he didn't pin me on his varsity jacket. So we weren't tech, but you know,

01:10:13.320 a boy and a girl meet up in the middle of the country, you know, probably it's not just to go get a

01:10:17.600 milkshake. They probably like each other and they- We do. We, we really found out then the first

01:10:22.240 time meeting in person, you know, okay, there's, there's some feelings. I'm not saying there wasn't

01:10:27.220 any feelings, but. Okay. So it wasn't just, because there's something very charming about this idea

01:10:32.400 that on the one hand, you know, you're, you've been kind of damaged by this awful career, but then

01:10:37.900 you, you also have this kind of innocence to, you know, like, does he like me? He likes me not.

01:10:42.920 I love exactly how I felt. And it was because of the way he treated me was so respectful.

01:10:47.300 You know, I, we were not in a relationship. And again, I hadn't been in a relationship for almost

01:10:51.960 two years. And I was, look, if, if I were to get into another relationship, I knew that it needed

01:10:58.800 to be different. Knew that from the bottom of my heart. So put a pause there. We'll return to Nashville

01:11:04.820 and the wedding. But then rewinding, you say two years, I was not in a relationship because I had this

01:11:11.100 like weirdo, uh, pimp slash gay performer boyfriend. And, uh, so at that point you say,

01:11:19.160 why wouldn't you say, instead of saying, I don't want to date another guy, why wouldn't you say,

01:11:24.640 well, I just want to date a better guy? Oh, that was probably part of it. But at the time I was just

01:11:29.660 so done. I was like, I really need a break. Whatever this break looks like, however long this break is,

01:11:35.000 I'll respect it. Did something happen? I mean, you mentioned all these steps. It's just the

01:11:38.540 relationship ended in such a weird and bad manner. Like we were so toxic. And so it was just like,

01:11:45.040 it was such an ick. Like I was like, I really need to be alone for a while. So, and I wanted to

01:11:51.100 grow and I'm okay being alone. I really am. So again, I'm an independent woman, so I can do anything.

01:11:58.080 So, um, but you mentioned, you say things kept getting worse and worse. And there were these

01:12:01.180 traumas and traumas that broke me down and built me up. Yeah. I assumed the breakup was one of

01:12:06.060 those. Oh, absolutely. It was. Okay. It was a very toxic, like year and a half with him. Very,

01:12:12.560 very toxic. Like he was much older than I was like in his thirties. And I'm, I was like 23, 23,

01:12:21.720 24, 24. So I was just like, he, he brought in a lot of different kind of life experience that I wasn't

01:12:30.400 like prone to or used to, or didn't know anything about. And it was very perverted. So I, it's just

01:12:38.440 like, how do you mean other than he's sexually perverted and, um, just the way he treated people

01:12:46.240 was very weird. And I didn't understand it because I treat people very well. I think I

01:12:53.280 really do. Cause I have, even at that time, did you? Yes, absolutely. I don't treat anyone with

01:12:57.640 disrespect. Uh, I really don't, I don't feel the need to. Um, but he, he just introduced me into a

01:13:04.260 lot of like weird things and yes. So it was a very toxic relationship. And so after that happened,

01:13:11.420 it was a very breaking point for me too. I think it was C.S. Lewis has an essay on sex versus love.

01:13:18.680 I could be, it's one of those guys like C.S. Lewis and, uh, no, no, I'm sorry. It's Fulton Sheen

01:13:23.580 in, uh, three to get married, Archbishop Fulton Sheen. And he says, uh, the difference here is

01:13:29.380 sex as we think of it is all about the self, right? It's about self-gratification. It's about

01:13:34.040 whatever weird stuff he was into that was perverse and whatever, you know, with you. And, uh, it's,

01:13:39.000 uh, just totally self-centered and love is, you know, willing the good of the other person for

01:13:44.120 his or her own sake. Um, and I, so to what do you ascribe this weirdo's, um, perversions? Is it just

01:13:54.180 like porn brain? He just, it's just that. Okay. Oh yeah. He had admitted from like multiple times

01:14:01.240 that he had been watching porn from such a young age and never stopped, never stopped. And just was

01:14:06.980 like, I guess curious or whatever. And at the time in my brain, I, I didn't see that as a red flag

01:14:12.220 until the end for sure. Um, but it's a, such a big red flag. Like his disassociation from what

01:14:21.120 love and sex, you know, it actually is, is not correct at all. So. But that probably, I mean,

01:14:28.740 you say he saw porn at a young age. Isn't the median age of exposure like 10 or 10? Yeah.

01:14:35.780 Absolutely. It is. So, so that's true for 90 plus percent of American men, maybe more.

01:14:42.220 Yeah. Uh, so the problem you're describing is not just with this particular weirdo, but it's

01:14:46.640 probably ubiquitous. Yeah. I would agree with that. Um, I don't know what percentage of men

01:14:52.040 that I've met that were that intense on that. So was he, he was like a full on, he just watch a ton

01:14:59.100 of porn, not just performing it, but watch it. Yes. Okay. Yes. Um, even down to say like when he even

01:15:05.560 told me like when we were intimate that he was thinking of other women and it, I, I, I'm speechless

01:15:13.740 still. I have nothing to say to that. That's delusional. Well, not just, it's not, it's very

01:15:23.420 disrespectful certainly to say it. Oh, for sure. And very disordered to do it. But also it truly then

01:15:29.120 just turns you into like a, uh, piece of meat, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a sex doll. 0.52

01:15:37.380 Yeah. I'm not special at all. Like he could put a, uh, like a picture. Yeah. Yeah. And when he told

01:15:42.000 me that that was very near the end of our relationship, but it's stuck in my head. So

01:15:46.020 hardcore. I was like, so this whole time I have not been anything much to you understood. Like I get

01:15:52.800 it. So yeah, that was, oh yeah. Icky. Very icky. Very icky to put it diplomatically. But yeah.

01:16:02.180 Well, that's just awful. So, okay. So you give him the boot mercifully and then,

01:16:07.740 and then that's it. I mean, is that the moment where you say, all right, I got to start getting

01:16:12.460 out of this thing or no? I got out of porn. I stopped doing porn actively. Like I, because at

01:16:17.420 that point I had made so much content. I was just like, I don't even care. Like. So just passive

01:16:21.740 income. Just passive income. Truly. Um, I really started slowing down on things a little bit.

01:16:27.140 I just, I really needed some clarity after that relationship. And I traveled a lot. I went to

01:16:33.560 Europe for the first time by myself. I picked up some crazy hobbies like martial arts, um, speaking

01:16:39.240 Japanese, um, bow staffing, nunchucks, like weapons training and fight choreography. It was very odd. 1.00

01:16:46.360 But again, I'm like, uh, I'm an anime watcher and I love fight scenes. So I was just like,

01:16:51.520 so enthralled in that world. And I took martial arts as a kid and I just really wanted to get

01:16:56.060 back into it. So I started like spending time on my self-growth instead of growing someone else,

01:17:02.240 you know, trying to be in a relationship.

01:17:04.020 Or even, even the porn thing. One time a friend of mine was making money streaming,

01:17:09.400 playing video games.

01:17:10.160 Yeah.

01:17:10.480 Which was a...

01:17:11.060 I've done that.

01:17:11.740 And you've done that too. Okay. This is like a novel idea to me. And so, and he was making a lot

01:17:16.540 of money. And he said, well, I'm not going to do it anymore. I said, why not? It's free money,

01:17:20.240 man. I don't know. You're getting... Like if I got paid to smoke cigars... Actually,

01:17:22.760 I do kind of get paid to smoke cigars. But that's a recent turn of it.

01:17:25.460 I do it all the time.

01:17:26.380 Right. I do it all the time though, right? And, uh, but he said, no, but the problem is

01:17:30.680 you spend a lot of time getting really good at playing the video game and maybe you make

01:17:35.480 some money doing it. But the skill is not transferable and it doesn't lead to anything

01:17:40.960 else.

01:17:41.200 It doesn't.

01:17:41.720 It's a total dead end.

01:17:42.460 It's kind of like porn.

01:17:42.920 Absolutely. It is exactly like porn. There, it's not a college degree. You don't graduate

01:17:47.820 away from anything. You don't learn anything. You just wasted so much time on the internet.

01:17:51.680 Yeah.

01:17:51.980 Like that's it. Like porn is the exact same thing. It is a waste of time. And then the

01:17:58.680 things that you're introduced to into porn, even if you don't go into like mainstream

01:18:02.300 porn or anything like signing with companies or whatever, which I never did.

01:18:06.240 You never did that.

01:18:06.800 Never did. I, I, my thought process was I want to be exclusive. You know, again, I'd only

01:18:11.660 had three partners in five years. So I was like, I don't want, I don't care if I'm offered

01:18:18.660 a lot of money. I'm already making great money and I don't want to be out there like that.

01:18:23.860 Even though I'm on the internet in that terrible fashion, I didn't want to be signed. And then

01:18:30.360 that stuff be used, even if I didn't want it to be used.

01:18:33.240 Right.

01:18:33.600 OnlyFans is like my full control.

01:18:35.560 Like, but surely whatever videos and pictures you made, it's still leaked.

01:18:41.840 So they're still circulating, right? It's not like you can actually, yeah, I can, I actually

01:18:45.700 have a lawyer working on that now for me because they can write legal letters to the sites that

01:18:50.360 have leaked them and be like, it's stated in my OnlyFans that you cannot copy and repost

01:18:55.660 this so they could get charged for that. So it's, I'm literally working on that right

01:19:01.040 now with my lawyer to get that stuff off the internet as much as I possibly can.

01:19:05.560 Right.

01:19:05.920 So, and it's free to me, you know what I'm saying? They stole it and are liable for it.

01:19:10.600 So, you know what I'm saying?

01:19:12.620 So you, you decided to stop actively making porn at this point and you're not even posting

01:19:17.920 pictures or anything.

01:19:18.960 I was, but it was just stuff that I had already had. Like at that point I had been on OnlyFans

01:19:24.140 for like almost four years. So it's like four years of content that I just, I didn't have

01:19:29.140 to do anything. You know, I just throw it back. It's recycling.

01:19:32.520 Right.

01:19:32.720 But it's basically called. And so I just kind of took a little bit of a break and was working

01:19:37.600 the site, but not making anything for it. You know what I'm saying? So again, I just

01:19:44.400 traveled. I just wanted to learn.

01:19:46.340 Learn Japanese.

01:19:47.440 Yeah.

01:19:47.900 Ni hao. 0.99

01:19:48.680 Ni hao. 0.99

01:19:49.240 Shishi ma minza. But that's Chinese. 0.99

01:19:50.720 We're all right.

01:19:51.700 Konichiwa. Watashi no numa aiwa nala desu.

01:19:55.080 Philadelphia rule.

01:19:57.020 Sensei.

01:19:57.420 So, and you do all this and then, but you're alone and you're not dating anyone. So then

01:20:02.500 what?

01:20:03.180 I met my husband now, Jordan.

01:20:06.220 So that was it. That was the next thing.

01:20:07.480 That was the next thing. Some time had passed, obviously, but that was it. Like that was like

01:20:12.300 I took a lot of time off and then we, I felt not whole, but I had felt like I had gotten

01:20:20.160 some healing and some real life experience to be able to, you know, meet somebody and

01:20:27.060 create a relationship with them, a friendship with them. And it was the opposite sex, but 1.00

01:20:33.200 he had treated me in such a respectful way that I was able to respect him.

01:20:38.200 Right.

01:20:38.560 Like in no way that I've been able to anyone else, you know, because of the way he treated

01:20:43.200 me was so loving, like true love.

01:20:45.620 Right.

01:20:46.020 And not about my body or what I looked like or what he could get from me. He never asked

01:20:50.980 for anything from me. And he knew like everything from day one. I told him like from day one,

01:20:57.260 do you know I'm on OnlyFans?

01:20:58.600 Really?

01:20:58.880 Do you know I do this? I wanted to be very open and honest.

01:21:01.140 Probably save some time, you know?

01:21:02.340 Well, if we were going to have anything, I wanted this to be truthful. I didn't want

01:21:09.080 to go into anything in a lie. I'm a very truthful person anyway. Like I was just like, hey, this

01:21:14.900 is what it is. If it doesn't work out, at least I don't know you for that long and it won't

01:21:18.640 hurt that bad. Right. So I wanted to just rip off the bandaid fairly fast. His response

01:21:23.000 was so nonchalant. It was just basically like, okay, all right. All right. And then-

01:21:29.540 Did he know?

01:21:30.000 Nope. Nope. He hadn't known at that point.

01:21:32.300 Do you believe him?

01:21:32.760 He didn't know. What's that?

01:21:33.980 Do you believe him?

01:21:35.080 That he didn't know?

01:21:35.580 Absolutely. Absolutely. He had no idea who I was and like was just kind of like crazed

01:21:40.600 that I came in his life kind of thing, which is like, who is this person kind of thing?

01:21:44.300 And we've talked about it a couple of times after and just been like going back to that

01:21:48.540 point of when you met kind of thing is just so, it creates another spark again, you know?

01:21:52.820 Yeah, yeah.

01:21:52.940 Just gets to really re-fall in love with them. But so he had no idea until I told him and

01:21:59.340 you know, his first reaction was like, okay, cool. But then, you know, as time came, a question

01:22:04.040 started coming and I was all like, bet I knew questions were going to come. And I was very

01:22:09.300 here, very much so here to answer you honestly, because I want you to know. And so, you know,

01:22:14.580 once we started kind of getting a little bit more serious, like, I was like, we need to

01:22:20.160 really dive into this. You know what I'm saying? But the whole time he was like sending me verses,

01:22:26.040 like Bible verses, sending me videos of him saying like, hey, I'm praying for you. I just,

01:22:30.840 I want to just like be here for you no matter what. You are my best friend, no matter if this

01:22:35.320 goes anywhere or not, we're best friends. And he literally said this. He was like, in 10 years,

01:22:40.160 I'm going to prove you wrong. Like, I will be here in 10 years. Like, and no one, I have never

01:22:45.480 had anyone in my life other than my family be there for me in 10, you know, for 10 consecutive

01:22:49.320 years. So I was like, what? Like, what is this guy talking about? This guy sounds great and I look

01:22:54.060 forward to meeting him after the interview. The only spot where I'd say maybe he and I see things

01:22:59.040 differently is, this has been a debate with my wife. Okay. Who is, I've known my wife since we were

01:23:04.120 about 10 years old. Yeah. And she had a crush on me in eighth grade, but you know, star-crossed and

01:23:09.740 then I had a crush on her ninth grade, star-crossed. But then we got together and, you know, the whole

01:23:13.920 story. I love every moment that I spend with my wife. Some married couples don't actually like 0.99

01:23:21.220 spending time together. No, my parents are one of them. Apparently, yeah. But she and I really do.

01:23:26.680 That said, she'll say, Mac, am I your best friend? I'll say, no, you're not my best friend. My best

01:23:34.100 friend is my best friend. In other words, the best friend is an office in my life. It is a role that I

01:23:42.260 have in my life. And my buddy is my best friend. And maybe your best friend maybe is the best man

01:23:48.560 in your wedding. Maybe, you know, you're the godfather of each other's kids. Maybe you're,

01:23:52.600 you know, something like that. But that that's a role. And you, my dear, you are something in a way

01:23:57.740 better than my best friend. You're my wife. Yeah. And there's, there are different types of love and

01:24:04.460 that involve friendship and erotic love and the divine love and all these things. But whatever

01:24:11.600 it is, yours is a little bit different. I promise you, I do not love him in the way that I love you.

01:24:16.300 Right. But for you and your husband, you would say, no, we are. I did marry my best friend. Yes.

01:24:21.980 Okay. The only reason being because I think you can have different roles in a relationship.

01:24:25.740 You, uh, in marriage specifically, like you can be a mentor to that person as well.

01:24:32.360 You can be in a friendship, a best friend friendship kind of with that person because

01:24:37.480 like, you're not always just like two love birds. You go through things. And the things that I find

01:24:43.800 with my husband is that we take very long walks together and we love to talk about things. And when

01:24:50.480 he has an issue or something, he comes directly to me. And when I have an issue, I go directly to him.

01:24:55.740 Like we tell each other literally everything. And that is like a best friend. Um, but also he takes

01:25:02.500 on other roles as being the protector, the provider, and I'm here to be the nurturer, the homemaker,

01:25:09.180 the supporter in like emotionally supportive, you know? And, um, when I say emotional support,

01:25:15.720 I am so thankful that God truly met me where I was because I now feel emotions. Like it was crazy.

01:25:26.320 Like the minute I, God met me in my living room, I started feeling like it was crazy because it was

01:25:34.700 a phenomenon of years and years and years of being numb and then feeling alone. And I, it was like a

01:25:42.040 puzzle piece with a piece missing. And that piece was like the best part of it. You know,

01:25:47.800 like the actual heart of it was gone. And I had this moment with God where I was like

01:25:54.060 feeling all of this. And I was sobbing in my living room, sobbing. This was after I met Jordan

01:25:59.960 before we became boyfriend and girlfriend, but I was at my wits end. I had everything around me.

01:26:06.160 I lived in a 4,200 square foot home, which was like $3.5 million. I drove a Porsche. I had any

01:26:11.760 designer bag that you could want. I have a ginormous closet. I have everything.

01:26:18.760 How much money do you have at this point?

01:26:20.620 At this point I had grossed 9 million.

01:26:27.220 That is a lot of money.

01:26:29.660 Yeah. But man, that was the biggest point of all of this was like money doesn't matter.

01:26:36.200 It did not bring me true joy. Like you can be happy. Like, oh, I just got a new bag. Cool.

01:26:42.900 But that's not joy. Like the joy that the Lord gives you is like, well, one, he says it's your

01:26:48.320 strength. But the joy that I have now is nothing compared to worldly happiness. Like worldly things

01:26:55.820 will tell you like, oh, you need these things truly, which is crap. Materialistic things are crap.

01:27:01.100 You know, for me, that's how I feel. I'm not trying to offend anybody on that manner.

01:27:05.560 I mean, I like certain, actually the main thing that I spend money on, I literally light on fire.

01:27:10.760 Yeah. And burns. It burns.

01:27:12.820 But otherwise, I don't, I really don't like it. And like if I, if I saw a woman, 1.00

01:27:18.320 like the thing you're describing is what I would say. I don't like it. I don't, I have no desire to

01:27:22.640 have a Porsche. I have no desire to have a, you know, a Prada handbag. I guess most men don't.

01:27:27.440 I, but that kind of thing. And if I saw a woman walking around, you know, with like rocks all over 1.00

01:27:32.680 her hand and bags and in a Porsche, I would actually find that repellent. 0.99

01:27:37.380 Repelling. Yeah.

01:27:38.320 Yeah, absolutely. And I, I got to look at myself in like this magnifying glass or like God did,

01:27:44.100 I want to say, like with a flashlight in the darkness, you know? Um, and I didn't understand

01:27:49.600 what I was feeling, but I just knew it was like this outpour of emotion that I had not felt in

01:27:54.600 such a long time. So I was like, wow. Like, and what's crazy is I was in my living room, my huge

01:28:00.280 living room. And I, the couple of days prior, I had gotten my Bible out to sit on a shelf because I

01:28:06.700 needed something in that shelving cabinet and it was just out.

01:28:09.920 It was like an old Bible you had as a kid or more recently?

01:28:11.960 It was a Bible that I had since 2009. It was a birthday gift from my parents. So I,

01:28:17.160 I wrote the date and everything, which is why I remember that, but it was out and I was sobbing

01:28:22.100 in my living room and I just wanted an answer for why I was feeling this way, why I never felt

01:28:29.180 anything and like why my life just felt like it probably wasn't going to go anywhere. Right.

01:28:35.220 At this point, I'm like, what's the point of all this money when I don't have feelings

01:28:40.240 or I don't have a person or I don't have kids. I have nothing but materialistic things that

01:28:47.220 are cold and sitting in my closet.

01:28:49.160 And that will decay.

01:28:50.400 Absolutely.

01:28:51.360 Like monetary worth is worth truly nothing. But the special part is, is that like I was

01:28:56.780 sobbing. I was looking at my fireplace. I grabbed the Bible and I just like sat there and I was

01:29:01.540 just like praying. I was just like, God, I wasn't blaming God. I was just like, God,

01:29:08.400 why do I feel this way? Like, what is it that I'm doing wrong? Obviously porn, bling, bling,

01:29:14.560 bling. But you know,

01:29:15.900 What is it? I just can't put my finger on it.

01:29:17.560 I can't put my finger on it.

01:29:19.220 But it was this special point where God decided to truly meet me where I was. And it's not like

01:29:24.500 he was far from me. It was that I was far from him and that I was like, God, I need an answer

01:29:31.540 now. I truly need an answer now. And he was like, all you ever needed was me. So all I ever

01:29:38.500 needed was him. I literally not only saw that in my brain, but like heard it. And that was all he

01:29:46.140 needed to say to me for it to like manifest and to like to sink into my heart and my brain. And I

01:29:52.680 just kept thinking that over and over and over again. And it wasn't in that moment that I had

01:29:57.160 truly repented or anything. It was that I needed an answer. And he gave me an answer.

01:30:02.180 What's funny about that answer, St. Thomas Aquinas, a very famous story about St. Thomas Aquinas' life,

01:30:07.540 one of, if not the most intelligent person ever to walk the earth. And he writes the Summa Theologiae

01:30:13.140 Theologiae and many other works. And at the end of his life, it's a vision of God. And God says,

01:30:19.180 you have written well of me, Thomas. What would you have? What would you like me to give you?

01:30:23.840 And his answer is nothing but you, Lord. Wow. And that's the same answer that you got.

01:30:28.400 Amen. It's so amazing how simple God answers you. And it speaks so much power in life. It spoke life

01:30:36.960 into me because I was like, at that point, I was like, okay, God, strip me now. Like this is now

01:30:44.180 time to like start peeling away the onion. You know, it's going to make my eyes water, which I'm

01:30:49.620 crying, but I need this stripped away. No matter what this next part looks like, I am ready for,

01:30:56.280 because I know I need a change. I cannot do this anymore. So I told Jordan, my husband now,

01:31:03.740 that I needed, I had that interaction with God. He was so rejoiced, like had told his mom even

01:31:11.080 about it. And his mom is an amazing mother-in-law to me and is a full, full believer in Christ and

01:31:18.740 has helped me in this journey so much by praying, giving me scripture, being there for me. And it was

01:31:25.420 truly a domino effect after that. After that moment, I had one, we had went to a new church and it was

01:31:31.620 crazy because God always provides because they were doing baptisms in that, that church that we

01:31:37.580 had just, this was the first Sunday we were going there. They were doing baptisms and the baptisms

01:31:41.860 were just ending when we got there. And I felt so heavily that God was telling me, go get baptized

01:31:48.900 right now. I was in jeans and like a collared shirt. And I was like, I got to go get baptized right

01:31:54.420 now. Like right this very second, I need to be saved. I need to be rededicated to Christ.

01:32:00.160 Had you been baptized before?

01:32:02.560 Probably when I was like seven, something like that. So many years ago. But then they were done

01:32:09.320 baptizing people. Like the guy was out of the pool. And I went over there in like tears. And I was like,

01:32:16.360 I need to get baptized. Please baptize me. And they were just so sweet and so heartwarming and just took

01:32:25.100 me in. And they were like, here's a t-shirt. Here's some shorts. Like go get changed and we'll

01:32:30.100 baptize you right now. And I was like, thank you, Jesus. So I got baptized and I want people to

01:32:36.160 understand like when you truly accept Jesus in your heart, it is like a, you know, when Jesus died on

01:32:42.360 the cross, the veil tore, correct? Like it was the separation was now completely divided between like 0.60

01:32:48.700 the old law, you know, is now no longer. And that Jesus had covered everyone's sins in his blood.

01:32:55.820 So it was like this veil had torn. I was like blinking. And I was like, why does everything

01:33:02.920 look different? Like this is the same room, but it looks different. And then when I go outside,

01:33:08.320 the sun is even brighter and the trees are even greener and it is, I can smell. And I was crying

01:33:17.340 and I have feelings. And I was like, shocked for the next couple of days I spent just basically crying.

01:33:26.040 Like I was so overwhelmed with emotion again. And I was okay with it. It wasn't sadness. It was just,

01:33:31.940 I have so much emotion. It wasn't like I'm PMSing. It was true emotion, which anyone,

01:33:38.260 out there wants to say I'm like on my period or something, it wasn't anything like that.

01:33:43.300 It was raw emotion and joy for what God had helped me get through and put the peace in the puzzle

01:33:52.540 that was missing. And again, I wasn't, I wasn't dating Jordan yet. Like we were still just best

01:33:58.060 friends. And so, but he's there, he's there. He was recording and he hugged me right out of the pool.

01:34:03.920 I soaked him, but he was there full heartedly leading me, telling me like, I am so proud of you,

01:34:12.320 mama. That's why he calls me mama. And he is just so supportive in that. And after that, like our,

01:34:19.640 my relationship with Christ continued. And then I felt, I felt a big weighing on my heart

01:34:26.680 to delete my OnlyFans and to, it started kind of slow. But after that, like once the Holy Spirit,

01:34:34.080 you know, comes inside you and like really resides with you, you really start feeling conviction for

01:34:40.940 things that like are wicked inside of you. And I asked God, like, what is it that I can do?

01:34:46.940 You know, every day it was like more my prayer. Like, you know, what is it that I can do to be better?

01:34:51.900 What's curious about this to me is you mentioned, well, at this point, you know, the Holy Spirit is

01:34:56.580 with me, but, but obviously the Holy Spirit was, was there with you previously because he spoke to

01:35:01.400 you. And, and you know, the, the traditional view, the reason I asked about if you had been

01:35:06.080 baptized earlier is the traditional view is that one is baptized once for the forgiveness of sins,

01:35:10.580 but yet this second expression, you know, of the sacrament clearly had a, at the very least,

01:35:18.420 a psychological effect on you. Meaning you said, oh, you know, I'm, because we're incarnate creatures

01:35:23.180 because the body matters, right? So you're, you're saying I've come through this. I'm sopping,

01:35:27.200 sopping wet. And I see in 3D now and everything's vivid and colorful. And I feel God in an even

01:35:33.820 closer way, but he was, he was there talking to me before and, oh, right. I've got to delete my

01:35:39.020 OnlyFans. At this point, you still had your OnlyFans. Yeah. But you weren't producing new content,

01:35:43.160 but it was still there. Anything. Making you money. You know, the biggest thing about when I got

01:35:46.620 baptized when I was seven was one, I barely remember it. And two, I was seven. Like how

01:35:51.540 many sins was I doing other than potentially lying to my parents about certain things and like,

01:35:56.400 you know, stealing a cookie or, but I was seven. Like, I really don't remember being seven years

01:36:02.400 old. So, and it wasn't my relationship with Christ. I remember my parents being like, oh my,

01:36:07.920 all their kids are getting baptized, you know? And that was it. Like, I'm under my parents.

01:36:11.820 It doesn't either. Oh, okay. I don't. I was about seven days old, I think.

01:36:16.380 Oh, okay. Well, that explains it. But I don't, maybe at some point I'll have a recollection.

01:36:20.660 But, but, but, so what you're, it seems to me you're saying, I, I've lived this whole life

01:36:26.660 and I felt that I didn't, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but it seems like you're saying

01:36:30.780 you felt you couldn't have a connection with him. You had, all these sins were accumulating and you felt no

01:36:36.740 valve to the, you know. Well, sin, if you're living in sin, sin feels fine. You don't feel

01:36:42.680 convicted for it because you're, you're like, why, the Holy Spirit wasn't gone from me. It was,

01:36:47.660 I was not listening to the Holy Spirit. Right. And you had severed, I mean, you're, you're describing

01:36:51.200 severing, sanctifying grace, right? I mean, you're, so you, and, but, and you just kind of go along

01:36:55.560 with it and you're like, oh, well. Oh, well, it feels good. Pleasure and sin feels good for a time.

01:37:01.040 Right. But like it, it, like when that veil like tore, it was my relationship with Christ.

01:37:09.460 Like it wasn't me being seven years old because my parents told me to get baptized kind of

01:37:13.600 relationship. It was, I choose Christ. I choose to believe in Jesus Christ, um, that he died on

01:37:19.940 the cross for my sins. Father, I'm sorry for my past. I'm sorry for what I'm currently doing

01:37:25.600 and I'm sorry for my future sins. But that's the amazing thing about Christ is because he

01:37:30.780 died on the cross for not just our past sins, but our present and future sins. Like he knew

01:37:36.100 we were going to mess up over and over and over and over again. But it's not like a one

01:37:40.080 time, I'm sorry. It is a, you repent and then you listen to the Holy Spirit to live in Christ's

01:37:48.880 steps. It is not like, I'm forgiven, go back. Right. It is not that at all.

01:37:54.220 In antiquity, sometimes emperors and rulers would delay baptism, uh, because, you know,

01:38:03.020 there are seven sacraments traditionally in the church. One of which is, uh, reconciliation,

01:38:07.520 confession, you know, you get on the knees and you receive absolution, but baptism. But in,

01:38:12.000 in antiquity, sometimes a baptism would be delayed or, or confession would be delayed.

01:38:17.540 For what reason?

01:38:18.020 Because, uh, there was a sense that, um, you know, you couldn't really do it all the

01:38:22.280 time. And so you wanted to, if you're, if you're a Roman emperor, say, um, you're going

01:38:27.380 to, you might be doing some bad things. You might, it might happen. And so there was a kind

01:38:32.080 of a sense of, all right, I'm going to delay this a little bit. Uh, at least, um, at least

01:38:36.420 that's, that's how we think of it historically. But to your point, uh, no, you, so you, you receive

01:38:42.540 baptism, but, and you've repented and you've changed your mind, but there's still going

01:38:47.500 to be an inclination to commit sins. And you actually almost certainly will commit sins.

01:38:50.860 Absolutely.

01:38:51.440 So there has to be some, the, you know, the Catholic traditional view is that there's a,

01:38:55.680 the sacrament of reconciliation, but, uh, even, even if you ignore the sacramental view for

01:39:02.160 a second, it's like a, it's like a continual repentance, right? That you're living, you're

01:39:07.480 living in a new way.

01:39:08.520 Right. You are, and you are made very aware of your sins because the Holy Spirit is with

01:39:13.200 you and convicting you of them. But it's not like, oh, I messed up. And now like, I've

01:39:18.280 already asked for forgiveness. I will not be forgiven.

01:39:20.580 We're done.

01:39:20.920 You need to continue asking for forgiveness and growth and help ask God to help you grow

01:39:27.140 in the areas that you continue to sin in, whether it be sexual or lying or hopefully not

01:39:33.060 murdering people. Like God help me stop murdering people.

01:39:36.060 Many women have for abortion, right? 1.00

01:39:38.000 Oh my gosh.

01:39:38.780 And many are not even aware of it.

01:39:39.840 Absolutely.

01:39:40.580 Yeah.

01:39:40.840 Oh, that's a topic.

01:39:43.300 Yeah. But I mean, it's in a way where you really, you could do it. You could not, you

01:39:48.060 could be only vaguely aware that you're doing it and then.

01:39:50.240 Right. But it's being downplayed so much in your brain because you don't want to believe

01:39:53.600 it.

01:39:53.800 Right.

01:39:54.080 That you're actually doing that.

01:39:55.380 But then you imagine, you know, imagine the horror. You wake up and you think, oh man,

01:39:58.220 I.

01:39:58.720 Have murdered four babies.

01:40:00.080 My, and they're my babies too. And that, you know, so there's really no, um, no limit to,

01:40:07.240 to the, I mean, this is partially why it's a quirk of history that, uh, many of the greatest

01:40:13.660 saints thought they were the worst sinners. And we look at them and we say, oh, you were

01:40:17.780 wrong. But actually probably they had a better perception of sin.

01:40:22.060 Yeah.

01:40:22.560 Living much more in accord with God's will.

01:40:23.960 Because when you live under Christ's ruling, you understand and like you see sin for what

01:40:29.140 it is. Like when Paul says, I'm the cheapest of sinners, I feel very similar to that because 0.93

01:40:33.160 of what I was doing, what I have done. I'm like, wow, I am such a sinner. Like I feel

01:40:39.920 below dirt.

01:40:41.440 So then what, what do you do with, you've been living this particular lifestyle and, and

01:40:47.240 cultivating all sorts of habits and tastes and desires. Even put the sex step aside for

01:40:52.120 the handbags and the Porsche and the money or whatever. How much money are you walking

01:40:55.720 away from at this point?

01:40:56.940 Wow. Not a lot, especially after taxes. So I, um, I haven't paid taxes this year yet,

01:41:01.280 but I made like 2.6 million last year. So I have to pay taxes on that.

01:41:07.180 So that'll be fun.

01:41:08.580 You have to sell some handbags depending on how the whole thing goes.

01:41:09.480 Yeah. Thankfully I was very smart with my money since the beginning as in, uh, investing

01:41:14.100 it in like a brokerage account, um, life insurance policy, stuff like that.

01:41:17.980 I was very, uh, in tune with that part because I do know so many people when they make money

01:41:23.140 like this, they blow it and I could never understand why. But a lot of my reasoning for

01:41:28.620 doing this, making this kind of money was like, oh, I'm providing for my future, you

01:41:32.360 know? So.

01:41:33.480 But, but I mean, even, so look, you're, you're walking away from a lot of money, uh, but also

01:41:39.300 you've cultivated all these habits and desires over the years. I'm just speaking from my own

01:41:45.620 experience. I was an atheist for 10 years, lived like kind of a, you know, not a liberal,

01:41:49.660 but like a libertarian. So, you know, uh, you do you kind of stuff, you know, go out,

01:41:56.140 hit the bar, hit the parties. And, um, it's very difficult to tamp down a bad habit and it's

01:42:04.340 very difficult to cultivate virtue.

01:42:05.620 I definitely have an opinion on that. So it's not even opinion. I think that when Christ really

01:42:13.060 saved me or when I accepted Jesus into my heart, those bad habits like got cut. It was

01:42:19.980 crazy.

01:42:20.980 Did they disappear or they really?

01:42:22.580 Yes.

01:42:23.580 And I know that's crazy to think of, but when you're living fully in sin and then you get

01:42:30.880 saved, it is literally black and white. You know what I'm saying? I, I find those things

01:42:37.400 repelling now. Yeah. If I, even, oh, I'd say it took like a full month of really, because

01:42:46.460 like I was asking God, like, okay, like in Psalm 139, it talks about, instead of calling

01:42:51.160 out what's wrong with your neighbor and asking God, like fix my neighbor, ask what like is

01:42:56.420 wrong with you kind of thing. But like, where's like, draw the wickedness in my heart so that

01:43:01.000 I can get closer to Christ. So that's what I was doing. And he spoke to me, like even

01:43:06.200 about down to like my clothing, like I was like, I need to be more modest. Like I am

01:43:11.720 not here to make others lust, like not even just online, but when I walk in person and in

01:43:17.400 public, I need to be modest. And that was something I could never capture in my brain.

01:43:22.340 Um, but like now it is so, I'm so aware of it. Like I find myself like, even when I'm

01:43:29.820 shopping online, I'm so critical of it. Like, I love it. I'm so happy about these like changes.

01:43:36.520 I literally sold all of my designer bags. I sold my Porsche. I literally drive a Jeep now.

01:43:43.100 Um, I'm very, very happy. It's a great car. I love that car. I'm an off-road girl. So I love it.

01:43:50.180 But, um, it's funny you mentioned the clothing. I remember I was like 13. I was taking a standardized

01:43:58.220 test in school and all these girls in class at this time, the solo company had these very tight 0.81

01:44:07.620 pants that all the girls started wearing. It's like they were wearing tights, but it was supposedly 0.65

01:44:11.680 pants. And I remember I'm looking around, we're all trying to take this test. And I said, I have

01:44:16.260 an unfair disadvantage here because all these girls are like barely wearing anything. It's all 1.00

01:44:21.420 like the skin tight stuff. And I'm a, I'm a boy in puberty. I'm a teenage boy and I'm going to be,

01:44:27.920 they're not distracted by my, you know, like leather jacket, but I am very distracted. This is wrong.

01:44:33.620 This is wrong for them to do this. I don't think they did it intentionally. No, I love that point of

01:44:38.620 view though. I'm so interested in the male point of view, you know, because it talks about how like

01:44:43.920 men fall in love because they're seeing women fall in love because they're hearing. Right, right.

01:44:50.440 Right. So like, that's why women wear makeup. They dress nice. They want to be appealing to the eyes 1.00

01:44:56.260 of men. Correct. So like, and women can be fooled by men sometimes. You say women, women fall in love 0.97

01:45:04.300 because they're hearing. Well, this justifies all my cigars over the years, you know, so I can deepen

01:45:08.700 my voice a little. I've actually, I've always understood that men are more visual, but I'd never

01:45:14.760 understood that about women. I think so. We'll think about like words of affirmation. Like women

01:45:18.900 want to be told they're beautiful and blah, blah, blah. Like, does it really matter to you very much

01:45:23.620 about if like your wife calls you handsome? I'm sure it means something. Sexy all the time. She needs to 0.99

01:45:27.960 wake me up. She says, hey, hunk, get over here. You sexy, you. Come open this bottle of pickles for me, 1.00

01:45:34.180 you. Yeah. Alpha male. I want to hear that every day. Yeah. No, it's, it's not top on the list.

01:45:40.180 Oh my God. Like we care, like women care about what a man looks like. Yeah, yeah. But it's not 0.98

01:45:46.540 like what we fall in love with. Right. Right. Like the swooning of it all. Right, right. So, um,

01:45:53.740 that's a great insight. And I'm, I'm impressed by the, by the notion that, uh, that the bad habits

01:46:03.240 go away overnight. For me, I had a kind of a rat. I, when you say I had this moment,

01:46:07.080 like in my room where the, I had a very similar experience. Really? I was in New York. I was in

01:46:11.980 the Bronx, actually. It was kind of the culmination of a few things. But then there really was this

01:46:16.300 moment. I called my grandmother. I said, I just had an epiphany. Went home and I made a sauce. I was

01:46:21.400 just kind of processing everything and, uh, opened up a Bible and it was, it was one of those moments.

01:46:25.680 But there was a disconnect for me between intellectual conviction. Okay. Uh, no,

01:46:33.580 like logic. Yeah. Logic and seeing things differently. Okay. The world actually looked

01:46:37.340 different. But the fact that I cultivated certain habits and desires, especially living in New York

01:46:44.180 where, you know, everyone goes out and parties and drinks and gallivants all night. I had,

01:46:51.000 the, the habits were a little slower than the intellect and which is a view that, you know,

01:46:57.600 Aristotle observed way back when, which is that, you know, that you, you learn the intellectual

01:47:02.560 virtues through teaching, but the moral virtues, you got to kind of just do them and it takes a

01:47:07.060 little time. So now we're talking about a reversion that was 10 years ago for me. So happy to say,

01:47:13.560 you know, I feel much more in control of my, uh, will now, but at first I felt actually something

01:47:21.280 of a chasm between what I now saw to be true incontrovertibly and my own behavior or at the

01:47:29.520 very least my own desires. Understood. But not for you. So I, it's funny you speak about logic because

01:47:35.500 I went through this very tough point before my OnlyFans was gone was that I'm thinking,

01:47:41.660 I'm trying to think logically and spiritually, right? So I'm a baby Christian again and I'm like,

01:47:47.660 but I need to make money. Logic. Yeah. You know, I, you need to be financially stable somewhat.

01:47:53.760 That's my logical side. I mean, you've done pretty well. But then there's your spiritual side. Yeah.

01:47:57.460 Right. You might, maybe not retire, but you could maybe, you know, you, you could take a few months.

01:48:01.220 Not retire for sure, but for sure, maybe, maybe a year. A few, yeah. Yeah. So, um,

01:48:06.400 but for me, like that was my logic, my humanly logic being like, oh, I need to make money. Like

01:48:13.340 Miss fear almost about the future and what it looked like without this kind of finances. And

01:48:19.640 so this is what I encourage other women in. Cause I've had quite a few women after I came out, 1.00

01:48:24.120 um, of OnlyFans being like, Hey, how do I quit OnlyFans? And I know this is something they're

01:48:30.200 thinking about finances. This is the whole point of getting on OnlyFans is for finances. Correct?

01:48:35.900 Well, is it? Oh, okay. I think it's a very split conversation there, but like attention and

01:48:42.700 finances, feeling loved that you didn't have. Feeling loved, um, whatever rebellion they're

01:48:47.280 coming out of or going into. Yes, for sure. But finances are a key factor, right? Cause I don't

01:48:53.300 know anyone who is in the OnlyFans industry doing it for free. I don't know one person. I really don't.

01:48:59.020 So, uh, but, um, for me, that was the logic side. And then there's the spiritual side where God is

01:49:05.420 literally telling me to let it go and let God, but I don't mean that as a cliche, but like,

01:49:10.220 how can he bless me when I'm holding onto the things of this world and yet proclaiming to be

01:49:15.500 a Christian? You know, how can I be wearing sinful looking, immodest clothing and being like, 1.00

01:49:22.860 I live for Christ. When other men are watching me on the, like when I would just walk into Walmart

01:49:27.420 or something and lusting after me, like I couldn't help it if I'm wearing baggy clothes and they're like,

01:49:32.760 wow, I don't know how that would work. But like, if I'm just wearing baggy clothes and I'm just,

01:49:37.440 you know, chilling and they're lusting, that's not my fault. I've done everything at that point

01:49:41.620 to cover myself and be modest. But it's funny, logic does not always align with the spiritual

01:49:48.980 and it just doesn't. I find that it does. In the opening lines of the gospel of St. John,

01:49:57.720 in the beginning was the logos, the word. And the word was with God.

01:50:03.640 The word was with God and was God. But the word for word there is logos, from which we get logical.

01:50:09.240 So at least in my view, I'm not a theologian, but it seems to me that reason and faith are in fact

01:50:17.280 united. Right. And certainly in Christianity. And so if there ever appears to be a discrepancy

01:50:26.040 between the two, you've got an error in one or the other. So I'm not disputing the feeling that

01:50:34.760 you're describing. But it does seem to me that, like, there's a modern poem, I forget the name

01:50:44.280 and who wrote it, that observes that sin is so much, there's all the suffering and all this terrible

01:50:51.800 stuff. But it's just so stupid. It's such a waste of time. It's so illogical. When, if you can think

01:50:57.940 about sins, especially like the weird sex stuff, and you can just kind of zoom out, take the pain

01:51:02.160 and the suffering and just kind of look at it, the people look absurd, right? It's like a guy in his

01:51:08.340 dark room with a lot of blinds, looking at like you, making a funny face. It's so illogical. It's

01:51:16.220 so absurd. And our Lord, when you read the scriptures, and especially when you read his

01:51:21.740 words in the gospels, I don't know, it strikes me as this is the most logical man that's ever lived.

01:51:27.600 I agree with that point of view completely. Like, yes, this makes sense. It's logical

01:51:33.240 when I'm reading in the Bible and then applying it to my life and it's working. Like, you know what

01:51:38.900 I'm saying? That's logical, absolutely. But what I'm saying is there were people who I came to who

01:51:45.260 were, I was like, I'm quitting, I'm going to be quitting OnlyFans, like friends of mine who were

01:51:50.120 like, that's not logical. You're not even producing content on it, but you're making money. It's not

01:51:55.480 logical. It's free money. That's exactly what I heard. So when I compare logic, that was their logic.

01:52:01.660 But theirs is the logic of the free lunch, you know? Well, there's no such thing as a free lunch.

01:52:06.820 Always strings attached or like, you know, the cafeteria lady has hair in it, you know? 1.00

01:52:11.380 Like that is the free lunch. But I understand that you're, if I were in your shoes, I would

01:52:16.160 have been very tempted to say, look, I already made this stuff. It's already out there. It's free

01:52:20.820 money. I was tempted, but then I really had to pray about it and was like, I'm struggling with

01:52:28.160 this God. Like this is my logic about it, but it is not, it is not what God has for my life.

01:52:35.860 You know, this is not what God calls like a woman of God doing at all. Like I am supposed to be

01:52:43.280 truly diving into Christ and his love and modesty and learning what a wife looks like, like a Proverbs 1.00

01:52:51.200 31 woman, you know, in God's eyes and getting closer to God by reading my Bible and praying.

01:52:58.060 And I have through that time gotten to know God on such a level of deepness that is, again,

01:53:05.260 continues to change my life. It directs my decision-making in such an amazing way because,

01:53:11.660 you know, God says, or in the Bible, it talks about how you're supposed to put God first in

01:53:16.300 everything. And I think that's very true because it's the first thing I do when I wake up, I speak

01:53:22.460 to God. Like the first thing I do before I am on my phone or anything, it's inviting God into my day.

01:53:28.680 The first thing I do before I eat, you know, I pray, I thank God for just this food in front of me,

01:53:33.700 whether it's fried or not, you know, I'm like, thank you. So, but it's in every step of your life,

01:53:39.480 you're supposed to put God in it and he will direct your path. Like it's crazy how real that

01:53:46.260 actually is. When I could not make a decision by myself that didn't lead me to harm, you know,

01:53:54.440 when I was making decisions, it led me to so much hurt and harm and numbness. When I ask him to make

01:54:01.900 the decision for me, it's not that he's like, I'm like a puppet. It is that I am reaching out to him

01:54:08.060 for help and guidance first and he gives it. So. Do not two sparrows sell for a farthing and yet a

01:54:15.360 sparrow does not fall without your father. Honestly, the way that you speak is so great.

01:54:20.740 Like you have so much book knowledge, which I really love here. But that's the point that you're

01:54:25.500 describing and it's right there in scripture, which is, you know, you're worth a lot more than a sparrow

01:54:29.560 and these things all fall in providence, which. More than precious rubies, the Bible says,

01:54:35.400 the Proverbs woman. Yeah. You know, she's more than precious rubies. You have ruby colored hair. 1.00

01:54:40.160 Yes, I do. But so I interviewed. Which I know is controversial to some people, but. So I was

01:54:45.560 actually going to mention. I had an odd experience, Nala, which is that I really, not only was I not

01:54:53.660 familiar with your past career, but I wasn't even really familiar with the story of, you know,

01:54:58.560 your conversion, this wonderful story. I just wasn't aware of it. I'm interviewing someone

01:55:04.100 and I mentioned how there have been a couple people in the chat of my show. So we're talking

01:55:10.280 about people who are full members, who are commenting every day, who worked in varying degrees

01:55:16.880 of pornography and who kind of came out of it. And I was thinking of one person in particular

01:55:21.200 who, you know, I, I've just sort of interacted with in the show and maybe on Twitter a little

01:55:25.280 bit. And, uh, but this person I was interviewing, Pearl Davis, I, I think she thought I was talking

01:55:32.320 about you. Yes. And I got that vibe very heavily when I watched the interview. So she never said

01:55:37.480 your name and I didn't know who you were. And she's saying, oh, that person is a fake. She

01:55:42.720 didn't really get out. And I'm thinking of this other person from my chat. I said, I don't

01:55:45.660 know, I think pretty sure I've followed this. I'm pretty sure. But what do I know?

01:55:49.420 You're on such a different wavelength. We're talking about totally different things. And

01:55:52.980 then later, maybe she or you, someone had posted about this and I said, oh, it's about

01:55:57.800 this girl. Okay. Well, I don't know. Maybe she's a fake. Maybe I don't know anything about

01:56:01.900 her. And then, but then I kind of looked into it a little bit and now we've been chatting

01:56:05.380 for, you know, I don't know, 10 hours. And, uh, it feels like 10 minutes.

01:56:09.540 It feels like five minutes. Right. And, and, uh, you, you seem sincere. It totally seems

01:56:14.660 real. So. I feel like that's to test the spirits. You know, you, we are asked to test

01:56:18.900 the spirits and look at the fruit of the spirit and not to judge that person. Like a true

01:56:24.040 Christian, a true believer of Christ will watch and observe and listen and not jump to

01:56:30.920 a conclusion. I had a very big, I wouldn't say issue, but I just, I had a, it was a very

01:56:38.740 controversial video that she made about me. And I had to just pray. I was, I needed to

01:56:45.420 pray because I felt like I was getting heated about it. And that wasn't the right attitude

01:56:49.820 to have at all. Like I really wanted to respond more in kindness than anything.

01:56:53.400 That is the time to put away Twitter or X now. The moment you start to actually get angry,

01:56:58.520 put it away. Put it away. It was, it wasn't even, I deleted my Twitter. I don't have Twitter.

01:57:02.380 I didn't know I was being spoken about on Twitter at all. I had just watched her YouTube video

01:57:07.040 on me and it was, I, I couldn't even finish it because there were so many loose ends and

01:57:14.560 I don't want to say it this way, but lies, outright lies being said about me that I felt

01:57:20.500 the need to correct. But that was like my flesh. My flesh was like, oh, you know, that's wrong.

01:57:27.060 Like I, I'm, I don't know why I'm being perceived this way by this woman who's never spoken to me,

01:57:31.780 never reached out to me. And I am only now in her eye because of my change. Right. And she does

01:57:38.160 say that she's a Catholic. Yeah. I don't know that she, um, assents to the doctrines of the Catholic

01:57:45.200 faith, but as we discussed, I mean, one can go back and watch the interview. Yeah. But, uh,

01:57:52.180 at the very least she said this thing. I really don't mean to beat up on her for it because a lot

01:57:56.740 of people say this, but they said like, look, I was raised Catholic. I went to Catholic school.

01:58:00.980 And, but, you know, and the minute you ever hear that preface, you, you can be 100% certain you

01:58:08.400 were about to hear the least Catholic thing you ever heard in your life. Absolutely. Now listen 0.96

01:58:11.980 here. I met the nuns once when I was in eighth grade. And so anyway, but I was raised as a monk,

01:58:17.660 but. But so I was, I was very confused when I saw it. And I, and I, but I said, I ought to keep an

01:58:23.940 open mind. Who knows? There are charlatans out there. Yeah. I think you have a very good attitude

01:58:28.040 about it, which, and it's, it's an attitude that I've tried to take, which is, uh, you know,

01:58:32.940 our Lord, when he's on trial and they're making up all this stuff about him, he just, he just

01:58:37.800 doesn't say anything. He's silent. He's silent. What are you going to? So this is my theory about

01:58:41.480 it. So when someone has a hot cup of coffee and they spill it all over themselves, but you're right

01:58:46.340 next to them and a little bit gets on you. Are you more concerned with that tiny bit of coffee

01:58:50.780 spilt on you or how, or how they are burning right now? Right. Are you, which one are you more

01:58:56.820 concerned about? And that's how I feel about the situation. I can be upset about that little bit

01:59:00.800 of coffee on me. That's barely burning me, but still got on me, maybe got on my shirt. And I'm

01:59:05.440 like, ah, but that person is in pain. That person doesn't know what they're doing. Lord, forgive them.

01:59:13.940 Right. That's my only answer to this at the moment, because my flesh wants to be upset

01:59:18.800 because of the false accusations, but I can't be upset. Like my spirit cannot hold that against

01:59:25.220 her because I feel as though she may be lost and maybe hasn't received love like that, like

01:59:32.660 that I have received from Christ. Sure. Like maybe hasn't been able to experience or hasn't

01:59:37.420 experienced it yet. Yeah. Or, you know, our Lord says this too, you know, don't worry about what goes

01:59:43.520 into the mouth, but care much more about what comes out of the mouth. And this is...

01:59:48.500 It's a pure representation of what's in your heart. Yeah. I mean, in the Gorgias, Socrates,

01:59:54.920 another wise figure, not kind of a, you know, I think he and Plato and Aristotle actually kind

02:00:04.160 of intuited a lot of Christianity, even though they come before. But Socrates says it's much,

02:00:11.500 it's much worse to do an injustice to someone than to experience an injustice. Because the one

02:00:17.220 is just a fact of life. You know, we all suffer and everything. It hurts maybe your corruptible

02:00:20.700 flesh. But to commit an injustice harms your soul, right?

02:00:23.780 It does. I just heard that the other day too. And it was crazy. Like, I was like, wow. Like,

02:00:30.860 again, that's why you're supposed to turn the other cheek. You know, I'd rather be slapped again

02:00:35.220 than hit you back. Because one, I can hit very hard. And I'm just kidding.

02:00:40.160 Right. And you do, you throw spears.

02:00:42.140 Martial arts. Bow staffing is like...

02:00:44.260 Bow staffing. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

02:00:45.560 Yeah. But like, again, yeah, we are not here to harm people, but to show them God's love.

02:00:51.340 And love does not smack.

02:00:53.140 But does it bother you? So you're not smacking, which is good. But does it bother you when they

02:00:57.660 say you're a big fake? This whole thing is just about getting attention. You realized, you know,

02:01:04.040 OnlyFans was coming to an end. And now you want to get married. And it's also convenient. You're a big

02:01:09.160 fake. Does it bother you?

02:01:10.700 It makes me giggle, actually. Because again, I know what the Bible says about,

02:01:15.440 you know, those who judge. And I have been set free. Not by them, but by Christ. Christ set me

02:01:22.280 free. Like, Jesus of Nazareth. You know, that's the God I believe in, you know. I have been set free

02:01:27.720 from that. So I can understand why people think that, you know, I was either at my wit's end or

02:01:33.860 whatever it may be. Yes, I was, for sure. But I knew that I couldn't do it on my own. And you should

02:01:40.120 be looking at the fruit of the Spirit. What is the fruit that I'm producing right now? Is it bitter

02:01:45.300 and dying? Or is the fruit that I'm producing sweet? And is it growing in the soil that I have

02:01:53.120 in right now? You know, which one is it? You know what I'm saying? So these changes that I'm talking

02:01:58.260 about making, like modesty, and I'm now married, which so many people think that it was more impossible

02:02:03.780 for me to get married.

02:02:04.780 That seems to me kind of like the proof that it's all real, right? You did just get,

02:02:08.860 and we get to break some news. That's fabulous.

02:02:10.440 I'm very thankful.

02:02:12.060 That's, that's an amazing thing. So I don't know. I don't know what else they,

02:02:15.960 what else you can do now.

02:02:16.940 You know, I don't mind judgment because the world hated, the Bible says this,

02:02:21.220 and it's such a great reminder that like, don't worry about them, the world, if they hate you,

02:02:26.580 because they hated me first. Like, that gives me so much strength inside. Like,

02:02:33.000 they hated my Jesus first, and I don't care if you hate me. Like, I would have more of a problem

02:02:40.180 if everyone was accepting me. I would really have a problem with it because like, who, why? Why would

02:02:46.340 they all accept me? You know what I'm saying? So I must not be doing something right if everyone's

02:02:51.680 accepting me for this change. It is, it's definitely stirring something in people's hearts, whether they

02:02:57.020 can explain it or not. But I'm here to say, your explanation is Christ. Go to Christ. If you really

02:03:04.100 believe that I am fake, you go to Christ with that. You know what I'm saying? And you should be praying

02:03:10.000 for me. It's okay if you can't, but you know, if you genuinely believe in your heart, soul, and mind.

02:03:14.920 Hold on. What do you mean it's okay if you can't? Why can't you?

02:03:17.100 Can't you what?

02:03:17.840 Why couldn't one pray for you? You said it's okay if you can't.

02:03:20.480 No, they can't.

02:03:20.960 Yeah, I don't think it's okay if they can't. They better.

02:03:22.400 Physically cannot pray for me. That's okay. I don't, you know, I'm praying for myself for sure.

02:03:27.940 And I have amazing people like my mother-in-law praying for me and my husband. So like, I have,

02:03:34.620 I have trouble praying for my dad if I'm being so honest. Like this fact that they're now getting

02:03:39.840 divorced again. I'm, it's hard. It is so hard to pray for him because I'm like, I don't want to go

02:03:46.860 into it directly, but you know, he's caused so much hurt in my faith, my family that is like

02:03:52.560 deeply affected me. And it is hard to not forgive as much as pray for him. Like I, I'm almost

02:04:01.620 speechless at the throne of God. I'm like, God, you know, my heart, it is hurting. How should I pray?

02:04:07.780 You know, it's, it's awesome to be able to ask our father, like, how do I pray about this? You know,

02:04:12.460 give me patience and mercy and kindness towards this man who is my earthly father, not my heavenly

02:04:19.580 father. So that's what like has helped separate it for me is that this is my earthly father. He will

02:04:24.520 sin. He will continue to sin. He will continue to mess up. But like, I want him to have the interaction

02:04:29.760 with God that I have the, not the exact one, but that overwhelming love, that agape love, you know,

02:04:38.040 that unconditional love that Christ has for us and that people cannot give. People cannot give that.

02:04:45.160 You know what I'm saying? So. I do. And as you describe it, doesn't make it less painful.

02:04:51.400 It doesn't. But pain is so beautiful because it's all, look, we're a creation of Christ. We were able

02:04:58.120 to, we were given these feelings, you know, how, like, what would it be like if we were just like

02:05:03.080 walking bodies, you know, like, and not, not have anything else like joy or peace or

02:05:08.440 anger, even, you know, happiness, like sadness. It's all so beautiful and part of his plan,

02:05:14.840 but he wants us to come to him for everything that we're going through. And it is, man,

02:05:21.000 I can't stop smiling about it because there is pain going on in my life that hurts. But the minute

02:05:27.060 I even think about Christ, I am so overwhelmingly happy, joyful, I should say, because I know that

02:05:34.280 God's going to help me get through it. And it's crazy. When I, when I had given my life to Christ,

02:05:40.000 so much had happened. My parents got divorced. I got into a car accident. I found out some crazy

02:05:46.980 things. I don't really want to mention right now, but like some crazy stuff happened. But amazing

02:05:52.940 things happened on top of that. Like I reconnected with all four of my siblings and we're all speaking

02:05:58.260 and have a really good relationship now. Like, and everything that I was going through had an

02:06:04.580 answer. Like God provided the answer. Like my car accident, it wasn't even my fault, but I got hit

02:06:10.520 and God provided an answer. And I wanted to move to South Carolina. I was praying about it and praying

02:06:15.700 about it. God provided a way out of California safely. Like it was crazy because no one could have

02:06:21.160 ever given me these answers except for Christ. You know, of course I could have done it on my own

02:06:26.520 will, but it wouldn't have been, I feel like it would have been more harmful. So yeah, right. It's

02:06:31.980 not, it's not grounded from my past. You can see how harmful I can be to myself. You know, I'm not

02:06:37.400 self-cutting or anything like that, but I am like going deeper and deeper in this like numbness hole,

02:06:43.480 you know, which is obviously very destructive. I mean, it was very destructive. You don't feel anything.

02:06:48.420 What do you have to lose? You know, like after you've lost everything there, wow. It's like

02:06:54.860 Homelander. Have you seen the, the boys? There's this point in that movie where he's like Superman,

02:07:00.100 right? He's like, he's tells the girl, if I lose everything, if you tell the world that I'm this

02:07:05.380 evil person, really, I have nothing to lose and I will take this world down. You know, I felt exactly

02:07:11.720 that way. Like, man, if I keep pushing, I will take it all down. Like, you know, nothing matters

02:07:18.340 at that point. Like my life doesn't even have purpose. So that's the scariest place I've ever

02:07:23.160 been in my life. It wasn't suicidal at all, at all. I've never felt like suicidal. It was homicidal.

02:07:30.400 Potentially, honestly. But it was, it was crazy. I didn't hate people, but I just, I didn't feel any.

02:07:38.440 You didn't like them either? No, I did not. I just, I didn't feel like anyone could relate to me.

02:07:44.300 You know, I'm just like this wild, crazy redhead, you know? Right. It's very, yeah, very, very alienating.

02:07:49.920 Yes. So then what, you've gone through all of this and it's all very fresh and you've been married for

02:07:53.460 three days and so what now? What's the? Wow. You know, the biggest thing is that I'm just trusting in

02:08:00.800 God and his will for my life and not jumping ahead of the gun. That logic that I'm talking about,

02:08:06.100 like not working in my own strength, but working with God's strength. I will continue to get closer

02:08:11.900 to God. I'm still like a baby Christian, but I'm ready for some meat now. Like, you know, I know 0.82

02:08:17.560 what God can do. I've seen it. Like, let's keep moving forward in this relationship. The biggest

02:08:22.340 way I like to describe it is like when you go to church once a week for a couple hours and you call

02:08:27.360 that a relationship with Christ, what if we compare that to a human? You only saw that human a couple hours

02:08:32.060 a week on Sunday. Would you have a very good relationship with that person? No, you wouldn't.

02:08:37.660 Absolutely not. But if you spend time with God every single day reading your Bible, maybe for even

02:08:43.140 five, ten minutes a day, you are still actively getting to know your creator. So that's my biggest

02:08:49.520 goal is to continue getting closer with Christ, letting him be the ruler of my thoughts, my decisions,

02:08:56.680 my actions, and learning how to be a wife. Like, I'm so thankful that the Bible has this amazing set

02:09:05.200 of direction in how to be a godly wife. And I'm looking forward to learning that. And it's not like

02:09:13.520 a set of rules, but it's like direction. And that will help me have a better relationship with my

02:09:19.520 husband now. So being a better wife, learning to cook a couple more things. We are actually starting

02:09:26.300 a TikTok agency. We just started it. It's called Rebel. We want to, we're like a Christian-based

02:09:32.600 agency, but we want to help other creators. And my biggest purpose for it was like, there's a lot

02:09:39.220 of OnlyFans girls reaching out to me being like, okay, I'm going to quit OnlyFans, but like, what are

02:09:44.100 you doing now to make money? And I just go live on TikTok now. And I actually just talk about God,

02:09:48.800 you know, and I make pretty decent money on that. It's nothing like millions at all,

02:09:53.060 but it is sufficient. You know what I'm saying? And I'm very thankful for that.

02:09:57.180 It's not Porsche money, but it's Honda Accord money.

02:09:59.580 Let's go. It's Jeep Wrangler Rubicon money.

02:10:02.240 Jeep Wrangler. Okay. That's good. That's a great car.

02:10:04.160 So we started this agency. We started this clothing line called Be The Change. And it all starts with

02:10:10.060 you kind of thing. That's the slogan of it. But it could not apply more to me and him,

02:10:14.040 like in his testimony. But my testimony is truly be the change that you want to

02:10:18.800 see. And I could have been like, oh, I got saved and continued to be on OnlyFans,

02:10:23.940 continued to be in modest, continued to speak and act and walk like the world.

02:10:28.380 But I had to be the change. You know, I had to be.

02:10:31.240 Yeah. It just would have been insincere.

02:10:33.840 Absolutely. No one would have believed me. But it's not about people believing me.

02:10:37.980 It's truly about my walk with God.

02:10:39.940 Right. But it would have been fruitless.

02:10:41.040 Absolutely. So yes, that's that's beautiful, because I've interviewed a couple times a friend

02:10:47.460 of mine who was a guy. He was a guy in the porn industry. And he says last time I talked to him,

02:10:54.240 I think he said 32 or 34 of the women he knew when he was working in porn have killed themselves.

02:11:01.000 Yep. I know a few people. They weren't like my best friends or anything, but I met them in person

02:11:07.560 and then got that news. I was like, you really get to see how dark it is. And it's so scary. Like,

02:11:15.440 I went into a world where I did not know I was going to see and hear and do things that I never

02:11:20.560 would have thought I would have ever experienced. And it's so scary. You are not ready for that as a

02:11:25.840 human. Yeah. At all. It doesn't matter what it is. You're not ready for that. Right. At all.

02:11:30.680 I remember, again, not having ever done porn. But the more I would, you know, sin in my wayward

02:11:37.600 youth, the kind of like the more you lose your innocence. I mean, this is so your purity, the

02:11:45.760 truism. But and and so you you see things that the existence of which you didn't even understand or

02:11:51.260 the presence of which you didn't even understand. And it kind of I think that's what you're describing

02:11:55.420 here. And from what I've heard, you know, for people who have been in the industry, the story

02:12:00.000 almost always ends very badly. Yeah. So do you have any advice for girls who are considering

02:12:05.460 that career path? Oh, absolutely. Run. My big run. Absolutely. But reach out to one. You can always

02:12:15.620 reach out to me like my my platforms are very open and available for that purpose right now, for sure.

02:12:21.260 I receive messages from women all the time on TikTok, Instagram and Facebook, like very actively

02:12:29.100 almost every single day talking about this situation, this problem that they're going

02:12:32.800 through. I would love to help in any way that I could. But the biggest thing is like realizing

02:12:37.620 that you will be going down a path that is something you cannot.

02:12:42.980 You can't take back. And like the money should not be the drive at all. Like if you're looking for

02:12:52.680 money, there are great jobs out there that you don't need a college education for going on live

02:12:57.520 with TikTok. And that was the biggest point of me starting this agency with my husband is that I want

02:13:02.480 to help other women who are like, I need to make some money. I'm thinking about OnlyFans. 0.84

02:13:07.180 You know, go live on TikTok. Like there are so many amazing things that our society

02:13:13.120 has right now to utilize for making money that you don't need to go to school for.

02:13:18.700 You don't need to work a nine to five for it as your own schedule. But there it's not worth it.

02:13:24.140 And if I could shake myself five years ago, I would. I would absolutely shake her and just tell her how

02:13:31.920 worth it she is. Cause I feel like these people even considering going in, there's something going

02:13:37.700 on in your heart and mind and your spirit that's like disturbed or you are, you're hurting or you're

02:13:43.780 insecure or you're lost completely. And just, this looks easy. It's easy, but it's hard. The price you pay

02:13:54.800 is not worth the money. It is not because there was this moment I had in New York. I love New York,

02:14:01.420 but I had just gone on a huge shopping spree when I was on in OnlyFans and I'd came back to my hotel

02:14:07.400 room completely alone. And I had all this stuff around me. I sat on my bed. It was like looking

02:14:13.680 out the window and it was dark out. I could not have felt more alone in my life. I was like looking

02:14:20.660 at all this crap and I was like, it brings me no joy. In the moment of purchasing it, I was like

02:14:26.860 little adrenaline rush, little dopamine high, but then I have it and it's nothing. It does not hug me.

02:14:34.560 It does not hold me. It does not warm me. It does not love me. Facts. So it is, it's so important to

02:14:43.400 realize your worth. And I'm here to tell them you have worth. You, even if you don't know me and I don't

02:14:48.900 know you personally, you are worth it because God created you. God says that you are beautifully and

02:14:54.740 wonderfully made. Like you are his creation. God did not intend for us to do this with our bodies,

02:15:00.000 to help others sin and get lost. Like it's not just about you at this point. When you put yourself

02:15:06.640 out there like that, you are actively putting men at risk. Do you feel bad about the guys? Yes. Oh my gosh.

02:15:13.500 Yes. I want to cry because I've, I've thought about this so heavily because of what I've made

02:15:19.340 them do. You know, I can't take it back. And that's the worst thing about this because you do,

02:15:26.000 when you realize it, you cannot take it back. Right. And it's, I really want to start crying.

02:15:31.560 It's like, like I helped you do that. I helped you destroy yourself and you paid a price for it,

02:15:39.420 which is even worse. Like. Well, a literal, like a financial price. Financial price for it. And it

02:15:46.920 felt so innocent in my head at the time. Like I didn't think anything of it. But now that like,

02:15:54.320 I have like accepted Jesus in my heart, it's like this heaviness. God's not condemning me for it. No,

02:16:01.020 no. But it's conviction for sure. And you're so, you're recognizing something that is sometimes

02:16:05.620 missing in the feel good religion, which is either missing the point of absolution, total

02:16:13.480 absolution given to you by God, or missing the simultaneous reality, which is the temporal

02:16:20.660 effects owing to sin. Yes.

02:16:22.800 That still exists. It does.

02:16:24.420 And you can't take it back. You can receive total absolution.

02:16:27.760 Forgiveness, yes. And repentance.

02:16:29.500 But there is, there is still the temporal effects of sin. And that's, that's just reality.

02:16:35.680 It is. You can't hold that against yourself, but because God has forgiven you once you ask

02:16:41.940 not ultimately. Yes. God's not sitting there being like, I remember. No, God puts it in a sea of

02:16:48.500 unforgiveness or forgiveness and forgetfulness because it's not like he's holding that over you.

02:16:53.580 But we have brains. We know. We understand what we did is wrong. And it's-

02:16:59.320 It has social consequences.

02:17:00.460 It does. Actions always have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's a bad action or a good

02:17:05.240 action. It will have a consequence, no matter if that consequence is good or bad. It has a

02:17:10.460 consequence. You know, there's a domino effect.

02:17:12.900 Right.

02:17:13.080 But I wish I could tell them I'm sorry. And if this is my opportunity to, like, I'm so sorry. Like,

02:17:21.980 I helped damage you. You are not damaged, but I helped cause, like, a collision. You know,

02:17:31.160 a disassociation to what love is. Your attention span might be off now. You cannot have a relationship

02:17:39.140 now. You, whatever it may be that they're really struggling with, I feel as though I have a part to

02:17:45.040 play in that. And it really hurts my heart and my mind. And I'm a very empathetic person now. So

02:17:52.200 it's a reality that's harsh. And again, that goes back to speaking to young women. Like, don't. Just 1.00

02:18:01.660 don't do it because the feelings I feel for it now is a burden. It's a burden. Like-

02:18:08.260 That's the thing about temptation. It's very tempting.

02:18:10.640 It is.

02:18:11.220 You don't-

02:18:11.840 But-

02:18:12.160 And it feels good at first, for sure.

02:18:13.940 Right.

02:18:14.960 But look at Adam and Eve in the garden. You know, it's tempting.

02:18:17.940 That delicious apple.

02:18:18.980 Yeah.

02:18:19.180 That succulent, delicious apple.

02:18:21.480 When you had so many around you already, that would suffice, be more than sufficient for you.

02:18:25.860 And yet, you now are aware of your shame and your nakedness. And you're like, I have to cover.

02:18:33.260 That's exactly how I feel. Like, shameful. Like, when I think about

02:18:38.220 the whatever podcast and what I said on it, I cannot even believe that's me. You know,

02:18:44.780 it's like a, it's like an alternate reality. I'm like, what? I said that? What was I even

02:18:52.240 feeling at the time? And when I did post that, when that got posted, I had just gotten out of

02:18:57.340 that toxic relationship. And I had found out that he had cheated on me a few times. And so

02:19:04.480 my anger was heated. It was boiling. The pot was screaming kind of thing. Like, I wanted to hurt

02:19:15.940 because I was so broken. And I was just like, at this point, I didn't think I had anything to lose,

02:19:24.040 but now I really don't have anything to lose. So like, I just couldn't understand why I couldn't

02:19:29.840 hold on to anything. Everything I was trying to keep was literally slipping through my fingers

02:19:34.160 like sand. Like, in that portion of my life, I was like, I can't hold on to anything. Like,

02:19:40.640 it all leaves me, you know? But Christ's love stayed, you know? And I'm a new creature in Christ.

02:19:48.200 Very refreshing to hear a story like this that has a happy ending. A great line from St. John Vianney,

02:19:54.680 the saints did not all start well, but they all ended well. In heaven, yeah. Their deaths were

02:20:02.680 horrible. Absolutely horrible. But yeah. They all ended well. Yeah. Spiritually, yes. Like,

02:20:11.240 their soul went to heaven, but their physical bodies, not so much. But in the middle here of

02:20:18.060 your journey, probably even earlier than the middle, you're very young, nice to see that turning point.

02:20:23.660 And marvelous to chat with you. Thank you for coming in. Thank you so much, Michael.

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