The Michael Knowles Show - Michael Knowles Can't Stop Laughing With Comedian Jeff Dye ｜ YES or NO

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00:00:30 Can you believe we were just pantsing people?

00:00:32 Yeah, you'd wait for your friend who trusts you

00:00:34 to be like holding a tray of food or something

00:00:38 and then you would just pants him. 1.00

00:00:39 If he told on you, you'd act incredulous.

00:00:41 Like, oh, God.

00:00:43 Here we go.

00:00:44 All we did was pull his pants and underwear down

00:00:47 and now he told on us? 1.00

00:00:50 We're going to have to beat the shit out of that guy. 0.99

00:01:00 Welcome to Yes or No, the bibulous battle to discover who knows whom better. 0.99

00:01:12 My guest today is comedian Jeff Dye.

00:01:15 Sorry, I'm Googling bibulous.

00:01:17 Bibulous, it's a great word.

00:01:18 What does that mean?

00:01:19 That's a $10 word when a nickel would have done.

00:01:21 He is a stand-up comedian and an actor, and here is how it works.

00:01:25 I'm going to ask Jeff a yes or no question to lock in his answer away from my prying eyes.

00:01:30 them. I will try to guess what he chose. If I guess correctly, I get a point. If I guess

00:01:35 incorrectly, I will lose a point. No matter what, I usually say I'll end up drinking,

00:01:40 but mercifully, Jeff took pity on me today because it's in the morning, and I don't have

00:01:45 to slam a martini right when I wake up. I'm having a tasty little smoothie. Then it'll

00:01:49 be Jeff's turn. Neither of us has seen the questions beforehand. Whoever has the most

00:01:53 points at the end of the game wins. The stakes could be higher. Do you have a wager, Jeff?

00:01:58 First of all, thank you for coming on the show.

00:01:59 Thanks for having me.

00:02:00 I'm a big fan.

00:02:02 I'm excited to be here.

00:02:03 Yeah, pleasure's all my...

00:02:04 Smoothies.

00:02:04 Hey, my alcoholism worked out to your advantage.

00:02:07 You don't have to drink today. 0.98

00:02:08 I am so happy you're an alcoholic.

00:02:10 I did not...

00:02:11 And the fact that you come on...

00:02:13 The one thing I'm irritated about,

00:02:14 you had two sold-out shows at Zaney's last night.

00:02:16 Yes.

00:02:17 Nobody informed me of this fact.

00:02:19 I got to work on your team.

00:02:20 I know.

00:02:20 So the shows went great.

00:02:22 Yeah.

00:02:22 Now you're here.

00:02:23 We're smoking nice, tasty breakfast cigars.

00:02:24 Yes, I'm very excited.

00:02:25 Cheers.

00:02:26 Cheers.

00:02:26 What's the wager?

00:02:28 Oh, I thought about this all morning.

00:02:30 You know, when you prep for a show like Yes or No, you can't stop thinking about it.

00:02:35 A little bit of nerves, you know, a little excitement.

00:02:37 I was racking my brain.

00:02:39 I figured a fair wager.

00:02:42 You live in Nashville.

00:02:43 I live in Los Angeles.

00:02:45 Whoever loses has to move to Iran.

00:02:50 I think that is.

00:02:52 That's a pretty fair wager.

00:02:53 You know, because we both love where we live.

00:02:55 Yeah.

00:02:55 But, you know, if this is going to mean something, I think that is...

00:03:00 Look, all right, that's fair, because I was going to say,

00:03:02 I was going to say, if I lose, I'll give you, like, a box of cigars or something.

00:03:07 Oh, yeah, we'll go with cigars for a cigar.

00:03:09 Yeah, and if I...

00:03:10 But now...

00:03:12 What, are you afraid about real estate in Iran?

00:03:14 Yeah, and on top of that.

00:03:16 Can't afford it with your big fancy show?

00:03:19 Oh, what are the prices in Iran?

00:03:21 I don't know what that...

00:03:22 I can't wait.

00:03:22 I'd rather live in Tehran post-Rubio than at the Trump Hotel and Casino in Gaza, which also will be built.

00:03:30 So, we have the stakes on the table.

00:03:33 Okay, got it.

00:03:34 You know the rules?

00:03:35 Yes, sir.

00:03:36 I don't really.

00:03:37 I ask every time.

00:03:38 I was lying when I said that, but I just figured, you know, say it with confidence.

00:03:42 We'll roll through it, edit it, you know.

00:03:44 This is live.

00:03:45 Of all the modern medical diagnosis fads, which increasingly seem to be ways to dodge

00:03:51 personal accountability, is dyslexia just an excuse for not wanting to proofread text

00:03:57 messages?

00:03:58 That is absurd.

00:04:00 Now, I have to guess how you would answer.

00:04:02 Right.

00:04:03 It's well written.

00:04:05 It's very funny.

00:04:06 It was written by a dyslexic.

00:04:07 I'm not even joking.

00:04:08 I know, but it's very...

00:04:09 That actually was written.

00:04:10 Well, I just like, which increasingly seems to be ways to dodge personal accountability.

00:04:14 It's very funny.

00:04:15 Now, do you have your answer?

00:04:18 I haven't locked in.

00:04:18 This is how you would.

00:04:19 Yeah.

00:04:19 It is locked in.

00:04:20 No, I said now I'm locked in, but I feel like you kind of saw my thumb.

00:04:23 Yeah, so it's not just an excuse, but Newsom, is Newsom dyslexic, do you think?

00:04:29 I don't know.

00:04:30 He says he is? 0.82

00:04:31 I think he's retarded, and we should never, ever conflate dyslexia with retardism. 1.00

00:04:39 It'd be unfair. 0.94

00:04:40 It'd be insensitive.

00:04:41 Yeah, also, it's just like the medical colleges don't teach that.

00:04:45 Right.

00:04:45 Dyslexia and retardism are very different. 0.99

00:04:49 And we got to see, I'm a sensitive guy.

00:04:51 I'm trying to be sensitive to these subjects.

00:04:53 Yeah, I have dyslexia.

00:04:55 Do you know that?

00:04:55 Do you?

00:04:56 Yeah.

00:04:56 But it's fine.

00:04:59 Can you, because Newsom said,

00:05:00 it flares up every once and again.

00:05:02 Not a big deal.

00:05:04 You're looking at yes or no, and then it switches.

00:05:06 Yeah.

00:05:07 But times I've noticed it in my life is like,

00:05:10 one time I was, it's a glass door,

00:05:14 and on this side it said pull.

00:05:17 But because it's a glass door,

00:05:18 the pull was backwards

00:05:20 and I'm sitting there pulling

00:05:21 and I think I'm going crazy.

00:05:23 I'm like, am I not?

00:05:24 It says pull.

00:05:25 My friend's like, yeah, it's on the other side.

00:05:27 And I was like, oh, but like,

00:05:28 those are the kind of moments

00:05:30 where I see it rear its head,

00:05:31 but who cares?

00:05:32 Do you find,

00:05:33 so I've found that my buddies who are dyslexic

00:05:36 actually are better at show business

00:05:38 because they have better spatial reasoning.

00:05:41 It's not a punchline, it's not a joke.

00:05:42 I actually think their brains work in a different way.

00:05:45 So Newsom said because he's dyslexic, he doesn't read.

00:05:49 He can't read.

00:05:49 Do you read?

00:05:50 I read all the time, yeah. 0.99

00:05:51 So he's just, it's a completely ridiculous. 0.96

00:05:53 I think it is true. 0.97

00:05:54 People use it as an excuse.

00:05:55 I used it as an excuse growing up.

00:05:56 I would go, I can't do this.

00:05:57 I have dyslexia.

00:05:58 I would go, oh, I got a little excuse to not have to do the thing.

00:06:02 But I listen to books.

00:06:04 Yeah.

00:06:04 That's better.

00:06:05 I'm a better listener than a reader.

00:06:06 Also, you can multitask.

00:06:07 You can't, like, hold a book and, like, drive your car.

00:06:10 You can put it on the thing, yeah.

00:06:12 So I find dyslexia is kind of an advantage.

00:06:16 I don't know.

00:06:17 I have dysphoria.

00:06:18 I have gender dysphoria.

00:06:19 Oh, you do?

00:06:20 Oh, that's huge right now.

00:06:21 It is.

00:06:22 It's a big one. 0.93

00:06:23 It's a new excuse to be a pervert, actually. 0.72

00:06:25 That's really what it's for. 0.95

00:06:26 Okay, you're up.

00:06:27 All right.

00:06:28 So I'm going to unlock no.

00:06:31 Are you comfortable with the fact that if you died today,

00:06:35 your tombstone, in public opinion, would read, 0.86

00:06:38 the guy who wanted to eradicate trannies from public life entirely. 1.00

00:06:44 Public life?

00:06:48 Old Moderate Michael, straddling the fence again.

00:06:51 What does that mean?

00:06:54 Like, my tombstone in public opinion?

00:06:56 What does that mean?

00:06:57 Yeah.

00:06:58 My obituary?

00:06:59 I don't know, I don't know.

00:07:00 But yeah, I think that they're suggesting that if you died right now,

00:07:04 this is what would be on your tombstone.

00:07:06 Wow.

00:07:06 Which I disagree with the premise, but if that is true, would you be comfortable with that?

00:07:11 I got my answer.

00:07:12 Yeah, I'm going to go with no.

00:07:14 Yeah, all right, get that point.

00:07:15 You're moving to Tehran.

00:07:17 Wait, you said yes?

00:07:19 Yeah, I did say yeah.

00:07:20 You'd be comfortable with that?

00:07:20 That's okay, it doesn't bother me.

00:07:21 No, you wouldn't.

00:07:22 That's fine, whatever.

00:07:23 First of all, I'd be dead, so I'd either be in heaven, in which case I'm comfortable with anything,

00:07:28 or I'd be burning in hell, in which case I couldn't ever be comfortable.

00:07:31 It isn't, are you comfortable now in that state?

00:07:35 It's are you comfortable with what is on that tombstone?

00:07:37 Am I today, or would I be comfortable?

00:07:40 Are you comfortable with the fact that it's on the tombstone?

00:07:42 Okay, yeah.

00:07:43 Okay, all right, that's fair.

00:07:45 You're not dyslexic.

00:07:46 You read that better than I read that.

00:07:47 Well, I'm obsessed with words, you know.

00:07:51 But it's like...

00:07:54 Am I comfortable with it?

00:07:55 I would be angry for you if that's how you were remembering.

00:07:57 Yeah, okay.

00:07:58 Look, I'm comfortable with it in the sense that I rejoice in my sufferings. 1.00

00:08:04 You know, if I even merit an obituary in the New York Times or something, some liberal paper, it's going to say, like, this ugly, stupid jerk died today. 1.00

00:08:18 And, you know, look, an ISIS commander dies. 1.00

00:08:21 They say the austere, brilliant, beautiful, religious scholar, the poet, whatever.

00:08:25 And then Scott Adams dies.

00:08:27 And they say, like, a racist cartoonist dead.

00:08:29 Celebrations today.

00:08:30 It happened this week, actually.

00:08:31 Chuck Norris' thing was like

00:08:34 maybe his politics

00:08:36 will take away from his

00:08:38 being remembered.

00:08:41 But you see what they wrote about

00:08:42 Rob Reiner and it was like the most sweet

00:08:44 nice thing. Or the Ayatollah.

00:08:47 Yeah.

00:08:48 I guess I'm comfortable with it in the sense that

00:08:50 yeah, if I even

00:08:52 merit an obituary

00:08:53 it's going to be the guy who wanted to 0.69

00:08:56 genocide the trannies 1.00

00:08:58 Merit an obituary?

00:09:00 Yeah, I don't know.

00:09:01 My Uncle Al got an obituary, and you're way more successful than him. 0.74

00:09:06 He was just some creep.

00:09:07 Yeah, what did they say about Uncle Al?

00:09:09 Nothing good.

00:09:10 He was survived by his fifth wife.

00:09:14 Yeah.

00:09:17 You're right.

00:09:17 I'm more comfortable with the tranny thing than some of that. 0.94

00:09:19 Despite all the holes in his resume, he said he had money.

00:09:25 I'm not comfortable with that for you. 0.99

00:09:27 I think you're a great man, and I hate that people write weird shit like that. 0.88

00:09:30 Thank you. 0.98

00:09:30 I appreciate that.

00:09:31 Yeah.

00:09:32 Actually, I guess my obituary is going to be in Farsi if I lose this game, so we'll find out.

00:09:37 This is a video prompt that we have to watch before I...

00:09:40 Oh, cool.

00:09:41 He's like, oh, you know that they're going to let a trans chick fight a biological female? 0.91

00:09:46 I'm a go-along guy.

00:09:47 I'm going, hey, I don't, you know, hey.

00:09:50 Hey, man.

00:09:51 You know, hey, why do you care, man?

00:09:53 She wants to fight.

00:09:54 She can fight whatever she believes.

00:09:56 She is beautiful.

00:09:56 You know, that's nice.

00:09:58 Right?

00:09:59 That's good.

00:09:59 That's nice.

00:10:00 go along guy that's good trying to be nice want to be everybody's friend want everyone to get

00:10:04 along you say let her you know and then you the fight came on and they were like in this corner

00:10:09 tamika she's like hi i'm a regular lady i'm happy to be here happy to be here and they're going in

00:10:16 this corner felon fox she's like oh god they're gonna fight and brendan's like that's what we're 0.87

00:10:25 telling you earlier i was like i think i have some opinions actually i've suddenly formed a few

00:10:30 opinions i'm no longer go-along guy they shouldn't do this the fight went exactly how you think it

00:10:38 went it was about 12 seconds of fallon fox going tamika's skull is breaking into 1.00

00:10:49 we agree men shouldn't beat up women right side question will gina carano beat ron 1.00

00:10:55 Ronda Rousey on May 16th.

00:10:57 All right.

00:10:58 What you're going to say is...

00:11:05 No, I got it wrong.

00:11:06 You think Gina Carano's going to beat Ronda Rousey? 0.99

00:11:07 Well, the big reveal on these is very strange.

00:11:11 I know, yeah.

00:11:11 They just kind of tell you.

00:11:13 Yeah, I think Gina Carano's going to win. 1.00

00:11:15 Why do you think that?

00:11:16 Because I bet with my heart, not with my brain.

00:11:19 Yeah, do you know why I actually...

00:11:21 Look, I love Gina.

00:11:22 She's been on this show.

00:11:24 Gina, though, how do I say this?

00:11:26 Because I'm a married guy.

00:11:28 I don't want it to seem like I'm saying.

00:11:30 She's hot. 1.00

00:11:30 Yeah, she's slimmed even a little bit, and I just fear.

00:11:34 And she's always been gorgeous.

00:11:36 She's always been beautiful.

00:11:37 She's very beautiful.

00:11:37 I fear that now her even being a little trimmer, that's going to give her a disadvantage in the fight. 0.98

00:11:43 Oh, by the way, I should be very clear on this.

00:11:46 When I'm talking about her body, it isn't about weight fluctuation.

00:11:49 It's just like I'm not into big, strong chicks. 1.00

00:11:52 There was the muscle thing.

00:11:54 It's like there were times where Gina was like,

00:11:56 hey, maybe that's not as hot.

00:11:58 She beat the hell out of me.

00:12:00 But she's always beautiful.

00:12:01 She's always been cool.

00:12:02 I'm going to that fight, by the way.

00:12:04 Can I?

00:12:05 I love Gina Carano.

00:12:06 Yeah.

00:12:06 That's my preference. 0.98

00:12:08 I hate watching women fight. 1.00

00:12:11 Really? 0.88

00:12:11 Yeah, I mean, I like watching them fight in kind of like in the office

00:12:14 when they're just being catty to each other.

00:12:15 But in physical fights, I have to walk.

00:12:18 If I go to UFC and the girls start fighting, I go get a drink. 1.00

00:12:22 Interesting.

00:12:23 I cannot watch it.

00:12:24 I don't know.

00:12:25 Maybe I'm, I can't tell if that makes me chivalry.

00:12:26 Why do you think that is?

00:12:28 I can't tell if it's chivalry.

00:12:29 Yeah.

00:12:29 It might be just chivalry.

00:12:30 I don't want to say, or I don't know, maybe I'm just nuts.

00:12:32 What if we gave them weapons?

00:12:34 Yeah.

00:12:35 Then would you be in?

00:12:35 Well, yeah. 0.85

00:12:36 If I didn't have to look the loser in the face afterwards, because she would be splayed 1.00

00:12:41 out, you know, splattered on the mat, then maybe I could do it.

00:12:44 I'll admit this here.

00:12:45 I'm not really into any fighting.

00:12:48 Even the guys, I'm going, Jesus, if these were dogs, this would be against the law.

00:12:52 You know, like, this is crazy.

00:12:54 Like, I watch fake wrestling.

00:12:56 Like, I watch WWE and AEW and stuff like that.

00:12:58 Like, I like that it's predetermined.

00:12:59 I like that it's a show.

00:13:02 You know, I know they're not really hurting each other.

00:13:03 I know they're buddies.

00:13:04 So, to be honest, any kind of fighting makes me a little, you know, not comfortable.

00:13:10 But I'm friends with Joe and I'm friends with Brendan Schaub and all these guys who love it.

00:13:13 And so, they've kind of made me into it just because I like them and I like being around them.

00:13:17 But I also have, I'm a hater when it comes to Ronda Rousey. 0.99

00:13:21 I've always been a hater.

00:13:22 I don't like her attitude.

00:13:24 I know that she's a badass, and she's the best at what she does, and I respect that.

00:13:29 And Joe loves her and defends her and says that she's like a competitor.

00:13:32 But I like people that are nice.

00:13:34 Could you beat up Ronda Rousey?

00:13:36 No.

00:13:36 No, I don't think so.

00:13:37 I don't, see, I remember we asked this.

00:13:39 Let's get, let's get that up.

00:13:40 Let's get that going.

00:13:41 Man, that would be a great game.

00:13:43 Yeah, you'd watch that.

00:13:44 I would watch it.

00:13:46 I'm learning stuff about myself.

00:13:48 We asked some millennial, this was 10 years ago,

00:13:51 one of the millennial staffers back when we were young,

00:13:54 when millennials were young, and we're like,

00:13:55 do you think that a woman can beat up a man? 1.00

00:13:58 And he said, absolutely.

00:13:59 I was like, I don't think that basically any woman can beat up basically any man. 0.89

00:14:05 It's like when that tennis player, Karsten Brosh, played this.

00:14:08 Yes, they really buried that.

00:14:10 Yeah, yeah.

00:14:11 You can't almost find that anywhere on the internet.

00:14:13 You've got to do some deep diving to find that.

00:14:15 All right, so the only way to find out if Ronda Rousey could beat you up 1.00

00:14:19 is to film it on this show.

00:14:21 I think I could knock her out. 1.00

00:14:22 Here's what I think.

00:14:24 I think I could knock.

00:14:25 I got the reach.

00:14:26 I got big fists, whatever.

00:14:27 But I think that she would try to do some wormy thing 1.00

00:14:30 where she gets me on the ground, and then she'd break my arm, 1.00

00:14:33 and then everyone would laugh in my face.

00:14:35 That's what I think would happen.

00:14:36 Because she knows judo. 0.82

00:14:38 She knows what she's doing.

00:14:39 So, like, I would say if we fought, she would indefinitely win, for sure. 0.52

00:14:43 Because she'd get wormy.

00:14:44 Yeah.

00:14:45 All right.

00:14:45 Yeah, she's all squirrely and all that. 1.00

00:14:47 But I think I could maybe just rack her one, and then people would be like, oh, dude.

00:14:51 But that's, these kind of conversations are tricky, you know?

00:14:55 Like, one time, you remember.

00:14:55 When you're talking about beating women. 0.86

00:14:56 Yeah, you know?

00:14:57 I mean, I see it on Mortal Kombat all the time.

00:15:00 Yeah.

00:15:01 Sony Blade gets beat up by Sub-Zero, and no one says anything.

00:15:03 This is like that.

00:15:04 I talk about knocking out Ronda Rousey, and everyone's like, can you believe what he said to Michael Knowles?

00:15:07 Yes. 0.84

00:15:08 This is the trash talk before the fight. 1.00

00:15:11 Yeah, she's going to get wormy and squirrely, but I'll knock her with a right hook. 1.00

00:15:14 Okay, you're up. 0.66

00:15:15 I know all my X's and O's with that talk, don't I?

00:15:18 Well, me and my buddy were always laughing about one time.

00:15:21 He's always coming up with these things.

00:15:22 He goes, man, you think a chimp could beat up a guy? 1.00

00:15:25 And then everybody talks about, you know, these monkeys, how strong they are and all this stuff.

00:15:29 And I go, dude, it wouldn't go the way you think it would go, dude.

00:15:32 What would happen is they'd have some guy out there like Bobby Lashley, like, I'm going to beat up this monkey. 0.94

00:15:37 and then the monkey just kind of doesn't even know

00:15:39 he's in a fight.

00:15:41 Smoking a sink.

00:15:42 Yeah, and Bobby Lashley's like, 0.65

00:15:43 poof, just kills the monkey's dead,

00:15:46 and then everyone's like, 0.98

00:15:47 we shouldn't have done this

00:15:48 because the monkey don't know he's going to fight a guy.

00:15:51 Yeah, yeah.

00:15:53 Wow, you can't communicate.

00:15:54 Now everyone's just standing by the cage going,

00:15:56 oh, God, he just killed that child.

00:15:59 If at least the monkey put up a fight, 0.98

00:16:02 I can tolerate it.

00:16:03 Everyone just goes, why did we do this?

00:16:05 Yeah, yeah.

00:16:06 We gave him lessons.

00:16:07 We kept saying, you're going to fight this guy, and he wasn't listening.

00:16:10 He wasn't eating an apple.

00:16:12 That's sad.

00:16:13 This is sad.

00:16:15 You got to clear your answer.

00:16:19 It's a video or photo prompt.

00:16:22 Oh, dear.

00:16:24 That's your past guest.

00:16:26 Man, it's hot in Africa out there.

00:16:30 What's up, Fat Oliver?

00:16:31 Listen, I need a couple lighters.

00:16:34 You got a couple lighters? 0.99

00:16:35 You're walking around with that f***ing phone. 1.00

00:16:37 You know who the f*** you are, man? 1.00

00:16:40 Don't get your pennies in a bunch. 1.00

00:16:41 You need to step the f*** out. 0.98

00:16:42 I'm telling you right now. 0.99

00:16:42 I don't understand your lingo.

00:16:43 You like it?

00:16:47 That is Ari Shaffir from The Amazing Racist,

00:16:50 which was live on MySpace.

00:16:54 Man, that really takes me back, too.

00:16:56 It's old.

00:16:57 Nice old internet.

00:16:58 So here's your question.

00:16:59 In the year of our Lord, 2026,

00:17:02 is this racist?

00:17:06 Hmm.

00:17:07 I have to think what you're going to answer.

00:17:10 I said no.

00:17:11 Yeah, give me that point.

00:17:12 All right.

00:17:13 What do you mean no?

00:17:14 No, it's not.

00:17:14 Because truly that to me is the peak un-racist.

00:17:19 No, it's not.

00:17:20 When you get the Klansman and the black guy, it's not because. 0.76

00:17:24 But yeah, let's just be clear.

00:17:25 Yeah, I want to start with the Klansman.

00:17:27 When you have the Klansman calling a black guy Fat Albert and boy.

00:17:32 Boy.

00:17:32 And he's carrying a crucifix that he needs lighter fluid for.

00:17:38 Yeah, lighter, yeah.

00:17:39 No, because as I can tell, the 90s into the 2000s,

00:17:44 actually probably pretty much right up to Obama, there was no racism.

00:17:48 The racism was kind of over.

00:17:50 Starting, I would say, post-Rodney King, pre-Obama,

00:17:54 there was this period where race relations were as good as they've ever been. 0.89

00:17:58 and so the joke here 0.70

00:18:01 is that like a black guy 0.84

00:18:02 and a white guy

00:18:03 will be in this sketch

00:18:03 and it's totally fine

00:18:05 even that's supposed

00:18:06 to be kind of offensive

00:18:07 but it was all fun and games

00:18:08 whereas now

00:18:09 it got more real

00:18:12 I don't know

00:18:13 like it seems

00:18:13 it seems like all of the

00:18:14 really edgy accounts online

00:18:16 all the stuff they're posting

00:18:18 is like hey

00:18:19 hey

00:18:19 do you know about

00:18:20 IQs and stuff

00:18:22 and you're like

00:18:22 here we go

00:18:23 hey do you know about

00:18:24 do you know that in Somalia

00:18:25 the IQs

00:18:26 it's like yeah I know

00:18:26 I get what you're saying

00:18:27 that some black people

00:18:29 yeah I know what you're saying man

00:18:31 but they mean it really seriously

00:18:33 I think whereas there was this kind of

00:18:35 but is racist mean seriously?

00:18:38 yeah I think

00:18:39 to be a real racist

00:18:40 because things are racist that are funny

00:18:42 that's racist but it's also hilarious

00:18:44 and it's satire and it's absurd

00:18:46 because like Yosemite Sam

00:18:48 is absurd but he kind of

00:18:50 circles back around to funny because it's so

00:18:52 like

00:18:53 there's racism that

00:18:57 is terrible, and then there's some racism

00:18:59 that's just funny, like a racist joke, 0.99

00:19:01 but it's damn sure racist. Well, you have to 0.97

00:19:03 start with the premise that all stereotypes

00:19:05 are true. Every stereotype

00:19:07 is true. By definition, that's how it became

00:19:09 a stereotype. And so,

00:19:11 if you say,

00:19:13 I don't know, I can't think of a good example. I'm standing, of course, from a comedian.

00:19:15 I can't think of a good, like, funny example.

00:19:17 But if you were to make some stereotypical

00:19:19 observation about a black guy or a Mexican or whatever,

00:19:21 it's like, oh, you know, here we go, Jamal

00:19:23 over here, and your

00:19:25 pals about it,

00:19:27 I don't I think racism implies animosity, you know, I think it implies okay

00:19:32 So that's what you meant that that there's no animosity and yeah, not it's a really the opposite event. Whereas today

00:19:38 like

00:19:40 if you

00:19:42 If you make even the IQ thing or like, you know, hey cross the street when that guy's walking in the yeah

00:19:46 Yeah, you're gonna say it like this like, you know, right now that you know

00:19:50 13% of population commits 51% or whatever it is because we whisper when we do statistics. Yes

00:19:55 Yes, we do, we do.

00:19:57 The whispering does, I think, give away a little of the animosity.

00:20:01 So I think that, no, I think that was probably the least racist America ever was.

00:20:05 And it was downhill from there.

00:20:07 Yeah, I agree with that.

00:20:08 But I think that, like, I dabble in, like, in jokes.

00:20:13 Because I live in joke world, you know?

00:20:15 So, like, I'm just trying to have a good time and be playful.

00:20:17 But, like, that's why people go, that's sexist.

00:20:19 And you go, yeah, sexism's funny. 0.53

00:20:21 Yeah, right.

00:20:21 Like, it's bad to be sexist, but it can be funny.

00:20:24 And that's kind of the point is we're taking the light out of things.

00:20:28 So it's like, yes, racism is bad.

00:20:30 Don't be racist.

00:20:31 But it's funny.

00:20:32 And, like, we can use jokes and make light of it.

00:20:35 You can, there's a nice side of these things that you can use.

00:20:40 That could be the next special, the nice side of racism.

00:20:42 Yeah.

00:20:42 What do you think, to me, the case in point is that Chris Rock bit,

00:20:45 that famous Chris Rock bit from the 90s where he's like, you know, 0.96

00:20:48 I love black people, but I hate. 1.00

00:20:51 He's talking about. 1.00

00:20:52 What's the rest?

00:20:53 What's that word?

00:20:54 I don't know this bit.

00:20:57 Where's Kramer when you need him?

00:20:59 So he does this bit, and it's very, very famous.

00:21:02 He does it for years.

00:21:04 And then at some point, he stops doing it.

00:21:06 Right.

00:21:06 And he said he stopped doing it because the wrong kind of people were laughing a little too hard.

00:21:11 Interesting.

00:21:12 And when he did it in the 90s, it was all good.

00:21:15 Yeah.

00:21:15 But then it's not that the bit changed.

00:21:18 It's not that white people and black people changed, but the culture changed.

00:21:21 Yeah.

00:21:21 To the point that he was like, you know, all right, this is no longer, it doesn't land quite like it used to be.

00:21:26 Right, that's interesting.

00:21:27 The times kind of change around it.

00:21:29 Yeah, I just think that jokes are such a good thing for all that.

00:21:33 That's why it's weird that people get so mad at comics and me in general for making these things.

00:21:38 You're like, well, that's kind of the point.

00:21:40 People are going to hear these opinions.

00:21:43 They don't want to hear CNN talk about trans people.

00:21:45 They don't want to hear Fox News talk about trans people.

00:21:48 It's going to be considered so tumultuous and angry.

00:21:51 But, like, you'll go listen to a comic talk about it, you know, and be like, oh, I get that.

00:21:54 Like, you'll hear it if it's coming through a joke or a comedy club.

00:21:58 Right, right.

00:21:58 And that's kind of a fun, you know, thing for us.

00:22:02 Yeah, yeah, that's true.

00:22:04 So then I guess the follow-up would be, like, what's your least favorite race?

00:22:08 Good question.

00:22:12 I got to go with the Filipinos, I think. 1.00

00:22:16 That's, like, the nicest one.

00:22:17 I know, yeah, yeah.

00:22:18 it's just fresh in my brain because like theo von always is talking about the filipinos being

00:22:22 the best and i just go worst yeah no i don't have a worst i got a favorite mexicans my favorite

00:22:28 really why yeah their culture is the best they're very no i'm being sincere i go to mexico all the

00:22:34 time yeah the the mexicans have the best sense of humor right as far as they like they're never 0.99

00:22:39 complaining they're always working really hard they're always they'll do anything like as far

00:22:44 as like that nothing's above them or beneath them when it comes to like a job or a family

00:22:48 they always got a nice family family values they're very they like pro wrestling you know

00:22:54 they've always got a that's true they usually have two families one but they left behind

00:22:58 one in the states you know um i just i really value mexican culture i like it they seem to be

00:23:07 um grateful and happy and i really like that wow yeah you can go up to i'll give you an example

00:23:12 because I used to have a travel show on NBC.

00:23:14 We'd go to all these different countries.

00:23:15 You can go up to a bunch of strangers in Mexico 1.00

00:23:17 and be like, there you are, you pieces of shit. 1.00

00:23:19 Like, they're just happy. 1.00

00:23:21 They didn't even hear what you said.

00:23:22 You know, but try that in Russia.

00:23:24 Yeah.

00:23:24 If you go up to just some guy,

00:23:26 he's drinking vodka with oranges,

00:23:28 like, in a parking lot, 1.00

00:23:29 and he's calling pieces of shit, 1.00

00:23:30 they'll kill you. 1.00

00:23:31 Yeah, the northern peoples, 1.00

00:23:33 they are more alcoholic.

00:23:34 I think the most alcoholic country in the world is Iceland.

00:23:36 Icelanders are great people,

00:23:37 but they're very kind of dark, ironic, alcoholic.

00:23:42 And, yeah, maybe those southern people.

00:23:44 They've got that kind of, like, everybody's sullen kind of commie look.

00:23:48 Jaded.

00:23:49 Yeah, like an 80s villain.

00:23:52 But I think Mexican culture is very light.

00:23:54 It's very, like, even just going into a restaurant.

00:23:58 You're a tourist, right, which every country somehow now hates tourists for some reason.

00:24:02 But I don't know why that's a trend.

00:24:03 Give us too much money.

00:24:04 Yeah, I don't know.

00:24:05 I hate that they come here and love what we do and give us money.

00:24:07 But that's the new thing is to hate tourists, but not in Mexico.

00:24:10 They're like, how are you guys?

00:24:11 And like, there's a good morning.

00:24:12 And yeah, I remember like one time I drank too much, which is why I'm clean now.

00:24:17 But I just woke up on the ground in Mexico with like a sore jaws.

00:24:21 Like I must have said something and someone punched me, you know.

00:24:23 And so I just wake up in the gravel and I was just like, whatever.

00:24:26 And this dude coming from a resort that worked at the resort goes, hola, amigo.

00:24:30 And I was like, hello, friend.

00:24:33 He just saw some loser that got knocked out the night before who's clearly got a drinking problem.

00:24:39 and he's working at a resort 0.85

00:24:40 and he saw me and thought,

00:24:42 hello, friend.

00:24:43 Like, that's, like, so nice.

00:24:44 That's nice.

00:24:45 They're the best race. 0.74

00:24:46 All right, because I previously hated Mexicans. 0.99

00:24:48 But you're convincing me. 0.65

00:24:49 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:24:50 All right.

00:24:50 Comedy wins.

00:24:51 Okay, all right.

00:24:52 If you had to choose a struggle

00:24:54 between being Spanish, French-Canadian,

00:24:58 German, and of Jewish descent,

00:25:01 would being Canadian be the heaviest burden?

00:25:05 Funny question.

00:25:06 If you had to choose,

00:25:07 I know I'm trying to figure out what it means.

00:25:09 If you had to choose a struggle, a conf, as some have called it, between the Spaniards, the French Canadians, the Germans, and the Jews, do the Canadians have it the worst?

00:25:20 Well, this is more of a joke than a question, isn't it?

00:25:24 So now, hold on. You've got to put your answer. I'll guess your answer.

00:25:27 All right, ready?

00:25:29 According to Wikipedia, the Canadians have the heaviest burden.

00:25:35 If you had to choose it, it would be a good cigar, by the way.

00:25:38 thank you thanks i appreciate that how often do you smoke cigars on this i very rarely actually

00:25:43 on this show nice this but when you came in you said oh i wish we were having a cigar i was like

00:25:48 cigars i know go to the humidor immediately one time i had a meeting here and uh and and i asked

00:25:53 if i could meet you and i went into your thing and you were just in the middle of working or

00:25:57 something i was like hey i'm like walking around hey what is this like i was touching everything

00:26:02 and it's like i'm really into cigars and you're like all right i can tell you like i'm dude who

00:26:05 Who is this guy that's wandering?

00:26:07 But I remember thinking, I'll smoke a cigar with this guy.

00:26:10 Another solicitation for cigars coming by.

00:26:13 Yeah, yeah, I'm glad.

00:26:14 We got some extra.

00:26:15 But we did it.

00:26:15 Yeah, we're smoking cigars.

00:26:17 OK.

00:26:20 What do you think I wrote to this verbal nonsense?

00:26:26 This plithy display of words.

00:26:29 OK, I say yes.

00:26:32 Nope.

00:26:34 Point, Jeff.

00:26:35 Who is it? The Jews? 1.00

00:26:36 No, French Canadians. 0.86

00:26:37 French Canadians.

00:26:38 And you know what it is?

00:26:42 Everything in my life is valued by kindness.

00:26:45 You can make whatever joke.

00:26:46 You can do whatever you'd like, really.

00:26:48 You could have terrible values.

00:26:50 But if you're kind, that's what I like.

00:26:52 I like nice, kind people.

00:26:55 And so that's why I like the Mexicans, 1.00

00:26:56 as I was saying earlier.

00:26:58 But French Canadians are... 1.00

00:26:59 They're so mad all the time.

00:27:02 I'm always trying to cheer them up the whole time I'm there.

00:27:04 I'm like, what's your problem?

00:27:05 And they're like, no, no, no.

00:27:06 Like, they're just always, they hate Americans.

00:27:08 They hate, I don't know.

00:27:10 Everything.

00:27:10 They hate Canada.

00:27:11 Yeah.

00:27:11 So they, that's the greatest.

00:27:15 Oh, so the Canadians don't have, well, hold on. 0.96

00:27:17 But it's the heaviest burden.

00:27:18 Like, they're the most put upon people.

00:27:20 The French Canadians behave like the most put upon people, but they're not really.

00:27:23 No, they're not. 1.00

00:27:23 They have a silly little province and a silly country. 0.99

00:27:26 Right, they're safe because of us. 1.00

00:27:27 Yeah.

00:27:28 Yeah.

00:27:29 So that's, it's sort of like.

00:27:30 These Canadians, somebody's got to put them in check. 1.00

00:27:32 My argument.

00:27:33 We could take over that place in, I don't know, 30 minutes.

00:27:36 You want us to come get it, Canada?

00:27:38 Hold on.

00:27:39 Tighten up.

00:27:40 I'm getting another interruption in my ear.

00:27:41 Davies says that's not what I mean by the question.

00:27:43 What do you mean?

00:27:44 You want to pull up a chair, Mr. Davies, to explain your question?

00:27:46 Yeah, who is this creep?

00:27:48 Bring him out here.

00:27:48 According to Wikipedia, he says.

00:27:50 The old Wizard of Oz is going, that's not what I meant.

00:27:53 He's like, pay no attention, eh?

00:27:56 Okay, according to Wikipedia, what?

00:27:58 Oh, so he says, so Davies, who didn't write any of this in the question,

00:28:03 He says, you.

00:28:04 Oh, me.

00:28:05 You are Spanish, French, Canadian, German, and Jewish.

00:28:07 Dude, it's hilarious that I read all those

00:28:09 and didn't even put that together.

00:28:12 That's wild.

00:28:13 This falls on me.

00:28:16 I didn't even know.

00:28:17 I just see myself as a white guy

00:28:18 and didn't even think about where my parents are from.

00:28:22 Yeah, wow.

00:28:22 Okay, fair enough.

00:28:23 But don't edit this out.

00:28:24 I think all that was fun.

00:28:25 Which of you.

00:28:26 Okay, that was my fault.

00:28:28 Which of all of those, which do you most identify with?

00:28:31 Oh, that's hilarious.

00:28:32 none of them really no because my mom does genealogy so she's and if you don't know what

00:28:37 genealogy is it's she just finds everything your whole all your family tree and it becomes so

00:28:44 uninteresting yeah yeah you know like it sounds interesting and then your mom's like did you know

00:28:49 that your great great great great great grandfather worked in a store there's no one famous no one

00:28:58 gives the whole family tree is a joke and so the truth is we're just super like american at this

00:29:06 point and like even that lineage of french canadian and spanish and jewish and german

00:29:11 goes so far back yeah that i don't really link any of it at all and also like my mom she's always

00:29:18 finding new information now that the internet is growing so rapidly they're like i'm not even sure

00:29:22 how jewish we are yeah you know like it's like we you know but being jewish is somehow this like

00:29:27 starlet thing in Hollywood, so like when she 1.00

00:29:29 said it, I go, am I Jew? Yeah, did you

00:29:31 Whoopi Goldberg it, like pretend to be Jewish?

00:29:33 No, never. Never. No, never.

00:29:35 Hi, Jeffrey Diber. Yeah, because it's

00:29:37 so not anything. We don't celebrate

00:29:39 none of it. I think my mom just mentioned

00:29:41 it. It's like so far back that, you know.

00:29:43 Jeffrey Goldblum Diber, nice to meet you.

00:29:46 Wait, I get to go to Israel for free?

00:29:47 Yeah, I'm one. I'm one.

00:29:49 Yeah, the other thing about

00:29:51 the genealogy stuff is if you

00:29:53 get the websites or the apps

00:29:55 like Ancestry.com

00:29:56 it'll say

00:29:57 you'll like do it

00:29:58 because a bunch of people

00:29:58 just add their trees to it

00:30:00 it'll say like

00:30:00 you're descended

00:30:01 from Henry VIII

00:30:02 and Genghis Khan

00:30:03 oh yeah

00:30:03 eventually

00:30:04 and it's like

00:30:05 I emailed

00:30:06 this is embarrassing

00:30:07 I emailed the College of Arms

00:30:09 in the UK

00:30:09 to see if I could use

00:30:10 the Knowles Crest

00:30:11 because I was descended

00:30:12 from this guy

00:30:13 Sir Francis Knowles

00:30:13 who was the keeper

00:30:14 of the privy purse

00:30:15 and I emailed them

00:30:16 and I was like

00:30:16 I just found this out

00:30:17 and then they responded to me

00:30:19 and they were like

00:30:19 actually no you're not

00:30:21 you're not

00:30:22 you made that up

00:30:22 that's not

00:30:23 he was like

00:30:23 all those websites are bogus

00:30:25 and it's not true and you don't get to use

00:30:27 the arms. Isn't it weird?

00:30:29 First of all, that sucks that that happened to you. I'm sorry.

00:30:31 Thank you.

00:30:33 But also, isn't it crazy that we live

00:30:35 in the most conspiracy

00:30:36 obsessed world, right?

00:30:39 The internet has really turned us on to all these things

00:30:41 where we're going, oh, did you know maybe this?

00:30:43 These people are lizard people and, you know, 1.00

00:30:45 this is all, everyone's freaking the heck out.

00:30:47 But then we're so comfortable

00:30:48 just sending our DNA to some

00:30:51 warehouse. Where am I

00:30:53 from. They're just racking up everyone's DNA in these buildings. They can frame you for

00:30:59 any crime, any time, any place. Or just make another one of you. Yeah. Well, I'm not worried

00:31:03 about another Jeff, but I'm worried about them sprinkling it on some girl that's missing

00:31:07 and going, hey, his DNA is all over this chick, and I don't even know that lady. That's what 1.00

00:31:13 I'm afraid of. That's a very specific example. Hold on. Well, it's making a murderer. When

00:31:18 And they found that Steve and Avery, like, they found that they had punctured the samples from his prison DNA.

00:31:25 Really?

00:31:25 Yeah.

00:31:25 So, like, they found blood on the girl's car.

00:31:29 And they're like, well, his DNA was on it.

00:31:30 But then they went to the prison and somebody had tampered with all of his blood samples from the prison.

00:31:37 This is going to be what the cops point to when you get arrested for killing that lady. 0.72

00:31:43 and you'll say, no, but my defense is

00:31:46 I talked about how I definitely didn't do that

00:31:49 on Michael's show, so therefore...

00:31:51 This clears me.

00:31:51 I'm innocent.

00:31:52 Yeah, okay.

00:31:54 You're up, and I'm clearing my answer, okay?

00:31:56 All right.

00:31:57 Of course, and also apologies

00:31:59 to the Wizard of Oz on the last question.

00:32:02 You made a good question,

00:32:03 and we all ran him over the coals.

00:32:05 We did.

00:32:06 Increasingly, of all the conspiracy theories

00:32:08 about strange humanoid beings,

00:32:11 aliens, Kandahar giants,

00:32:13 Bigfoot. Is Bigfoot now

00:32:16 actually the most ridiculous? 0.97

00:32:19 And I have to say 0.99

00:32:20 what you're going to think. Yeah.

00:32:24 Correct. You got that right.

00:32:26 Nice. Did you...

00:32:27 Because there's way more absurd ones than Sasquatch.

00:32:30 Yeah. Also, there were...

00:32:32 You'd have to be... You're way too

00:32:33 smart to think that that's the most absurd.

00:32:36 Thank you. There were

00:32:37 just reports of Bigfoot.

00:32:40 Like, again, that's

00:32:42 probably not real, but...

00:32:43 What's the craziest one? Well, actually before we just mull over that that's ridiculous 0.83

00:32:49 There's always reports all the time just because it made it to Yahoo News

00:32:54 Doesn't mean that you know, they just had a few reports in Ohio. Yes

00:32:57 Every day people are seeing bipedal hominids in the woods 1.00

00:33:02 Also monkeys that walk upright isn't that absurd especially if they're nocturnal

00:33:08 Yeah living in the woods. I think there's thousands of them

00:33:11 It's just a descendant of Gigantopithecus when the Asian land was like, I think they migrated over here. 0.98

00:33:18 These are just descendants of Gigantopithecus. 0.87

00:33:21 So you're totally Bigfoot-filled. Bigfoot's real.

00:33:23 Yes, and also I'm happy to talk about Bigfoot with anyone who thinks it's real or not real if they've done any homework.

00:33:30 That's the problem is people go, oh, that's all made up.

00:33:32 And I go, but you don't know f*** about it. 0.79

00:33:34 Yeah. 0.91

00:33:34 You've not read a single thing.

00:33:36 Yeah.

00:33:37 You've not looked into it.

00:33:38 You've never asked Indians or loggers or people that are out in the woods all the time.

00:33:44 You don't ask any of these guys that are out there.

00:33:47 It's wildly likely that there's creatures in our caves that we don't know about,

00:33:52 that there's hominids or primates that we just haven't discovered.

00:33:56 We have people we haven't discovered yet.

00:33:58 And yet we think that, like, oh, Bigfoot's not real.

00:34:01 It's like, you live in Sherman Oaks.

00:34:02 What the hell do you know about Bigfoot?

00:34:04 So it's always people that know nothing about it who want to tell me that it's fake.

00:34:08 Yeah, they're a weird multicolor light-up fish at the bottom of the ocean that we just discovered like six minutes ago.

00:34:14 Well, you know, pandas, people in China are going, yeah, we're seeing these black and white bears, 1.00

00:34:17 and everyone's like, you guys are idiots. 1.00

00:34:19 And like, so pandas were just considered like nonsense until not that long ago. 1.00

00:34:23 And then even gorillas was like 1890 or something, which is a long time ago.

00:34:28 But that means all the way up until 1890, people were like, oh, sure, there's a giant human-looking thing with muscles.

00:34:36 And you're like, and now what's going to happen is Bigfoot's going to get discovered or killed

00:34:39 or put in a zoo, and everyone's going to go, oh, yeah, we knew.

00:34:44 What do you mean?

00:34:44 You're calling me crazy forever. 0.93

00:34:46 Yeah, they're going to gaslight you.

00:34:48 Are you, where do you stand on aliens?

00:34:50 Oh, aliens are definitely real.

00:34:52 They're real.

00:34:52 I think they're totally real.

00:34:53 I think they're here.

00:34:54 I think they've been here.

00:34:55 I think there's lots of different types of aliens.

00:34:57 Do you think they're, okay, because I think if it's a real thing that people are seeing,

00:35:03 I think it's probably demons.

00:35:04 They're not physical beings, spiritual beings.

00:35:09 Are you, you think they're physical, little gray men? 1.00

00:35:13 I don't know much about it.

00:35:14 No, that's the thing.

00:35:15 My favorite thing about conspiracies is not pretending to know the answer,

00:35:18 but just knowing that there's a possibility of it being, you know what I'm saying?

00:35:21 Like, I don't know that 9-11 was an inside job.

00:35:25 I just know that what they're telling us isn't true.

00:35:27 But that doesn't mean I pretend I know what's real.

00:35:29 You know who I think was behind it?

00:35:30 It's just when you show me a thing and we can prove that it's not, 0.98

00:35:32 I go, well, that's bullsh**. 0.80

00:35:33 And then the news might have lied about that. 0.97

00:35:35 It doesn't mean I think there's some coup or that America did it or anything.

00:35:39 I just know that like some of the things they're telling us happened aren't true.

00:35:43 That's all.

00:35:43 You know, I think so we're talking about your ancestry and everything.

00:35:46 Yeah.

00:35:46 And because some people said, oh, it was the Taliban was harboring these people who came from Saudi Arabia.

00:35:51 And there were 19 hijackers who.

00:35:53 But speaking of your ancestry, no one ever talks about the French Canadians.

00:35:58 That's right, dude.

00:35:59 No one ever points.

00:35:59 They were right here.

00:36:01 Yeah.

00:36:02 No, we know how we know it wasn't the French Canadians. Oh wow, because that would just be us

00:36:08 Canada is like a woman, you know mmm Canada's like keep us safe keep us safe 1.00

00:36:13 And then you're like are we together?

00:36:18 Can't keep talking about America when we've been keeping them safe forever. Yeah, how about a little gratitude and you know

00:36:24 Like they talk so much trash about us. I'm like we love Canada. Yeah, we we love them. We keep them safe

00:36:30 Like, I don't understand.

00:36:31 They're like, oh, Xi Jinping, it's so nice.

00:36:33 Wow, thanks for looking at me.

00:36:34 They just did it.

00:36:35 It was like three weeks ago.

00:36:36 I hate it.

00:36:37 They're looking over at China.

00:36:38 Yeah, well, like I said, it'll take us 30 minutes,

00:36:41 and all my Canadian friends are going to be like, 0.97

00:36:43 dang it, we shouldn't have talked all that trash. 0.99

00:36:44 Yeah. 0.97

00:36:45 Yeah, we're going and liberating Tim Hortons.

00:36:48 Abortion happens fast, folks. 1.00

00:36:49 Speaking of death, right now, in towns and cities across the country,

00:36:52 women, that was an amazing transition. 1.00

00:36:55 Talking about women.

00:36:56 In your opinion.

00:36:58 Some say.

00:36:59 You said, what an amazing transition.

00:37:00 I go, I was a little jarred by it.

00:37:05 This is a serious topic.

00:37:06 Women are being pushed to make life-changing decisions in moments of fear and confusion. 1.00

00:37:10 Many of them feel trapped, like there's no real choice at all.

00:37:12 But because of people like you, there is.

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00:37:33 They fundraise for their administrative costs separately. So every dollar you give goes to

00:37:37 saving babies. When a woman sees that baby on the ultrasound screen, it more than 80% of the time 0.76

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00:38:00 code Knowles, K-N-O-W-L-E-S. That is preborn.com slash Knowles. Or if you are more digitally

00:38:05 inclined, like your finger digits, type in pound 250. You say keyword baby. However you like to

00:38:11 do it, preborn.com slash Knowles. It's not just a product. I'm a customer.

00:38:17 Yeah, are you? When you were a little baby. I keep getting this ultrasound. They said men

00:38:22 can have babies, and I got nothing. 0.83

00:38:25 Sir, that is actually

00:38:26 a club sub for Jersey Mike's.

00:38:28 Yeah, this is not a baby,

00:38:30 Jeff. You don't have to keep coming in here.

00:38:32 You're a guy.

00:38:34 Oh, so conservative.

00:38:36 That's fine. Here's another 28 bucks.

00:38:38 Give me my ultrasound. Didn't know my hospital was

00:38:40 so Republican.

00:38:42 This is Chipotle again.

00:38:45 I want

00:38:46 a baby.

00:38:48 Are you ready for the

00:38:50 rapid fire round.

00:38:52 Let's do it.

00:38:53 Three questions,

00:38:54 30 seconds.

00:38:54 No time to outthink

00:38:56 each other.

00:38:57 The score,

00:38:57 wow.

00:38:58 Score right now

00:38:59 is tied.

00:38:59 We're both at

00:39:00 negative one.

00:39:01 That means neither of us

00:39:02 are going to Iran.

00:39:04 Iran,

00:39:05 what is it?

00:39:05 I,

00:39:06 very.

00:39:07 It's Iranian,

00:39:07 but it's Iran.

00:39:09 Yeah.

00:39:10 So that's a fun,

00:39:11 weird phonetic thing.

00:39:12 I change it

00:39:13 based on how American

00:39:15 I want to sound.

00:39:16 That's interesting.

00:39:17 Remember Obama

00:39:18 really shifted.

00:39:18 It was Iran, 0.92

00:39:19 Pakistan.

00:39:20 You did that whole thing.

00:39:22 And so then we reflexively, on the right, shifted to Iran or whatever.

00:39:26 I go back and forth.

00:39:26 I'm smug about that stuff.

00:39:27 Like when a girl will be telling a sentence about it, she'll be like, 1.00

00:39:31 oh, and my, she's like Hispanic, and she's like, 1.00

00:39:34 my grandma makes the best tortas. 0.99

00:39:36 And you go, why did you say tortas like that?

00:39:38 Like she'll say just tortas in the Spanish dialect.

00:39:42 Yeah, I hate that.

00:39:43 And it's like, so I think if you're saying the whole sentence in English,

00:39:46 you should be like, my grandmother makes the best tortas.

00:39:48 Yes.

00:39:48 But if you're saying it in Spanish, then definitely hit all those things.

00:39:52 Yeah, no, when I do, they'll yell at me sometimes on the show and say, actually, it's Pakistan or whatever.

00:39:57 Actually, it's paella or whatever.

00:39:59 I speak English.

00:40:00 Yes, I think, I go to an Italian restaurant.

00:40:01 I'm an Italian extraction.

00:40:03 I go to an Italian restaurant.

00:40:04 I don't sit there and say, you know what?

00:40:06 I would like a glass of iced tea and I would like a plate of the spaghetti alla carbonara.

00:40:14 They'd be insulting.

00:40:16 Yeah, you don't do that. 0.96

00:40:17 It's very silly.

00:40:17 Yeah, but what's your funny, like you don't do all the things for, like, wine? 0.91

00:40:23 You know, that's annoying.

00:40:24 You can't do that, no.

00:40:25 I don't like it.

00:40:26 No, I do, though, when I go to laundromats.

00:40:28 His example is better.

00:40:31 When I go to laundromats, I do speak the only Chinese I know.

00:40:33 They probably hate that.

00:40:35 And my grandma taught it to me when I was a little boy.

00:40:37 Oh, really?

00:40:38 And it is, of course, no tiki, no washi.

00:40:42 You ever learned that when you were a kid?

00:40:43 I don't think that's Chinese at all. 0.94

00:40:45 Cantonese, I think it is.

00:40:46 Okay, ready, here we go.

00:40:47 Yep.

00:40:47 Are eggs meat?

00:40:53 Correct.

00:40:54 Yeah.

00:40:54 Davey's once asked me during Lent, he says, I said I had eggs for breakfast on a Friday.

00:40:59 He said, is eggs not meat?

00:41:01 That was the direct quote.

00:41:02 Is eggs not meat?

00:41:03 That's a very arrogant way to ask that.

00:41:06 Yeah.

00:41:07 No, they're not. 0.91

00:41:08 It's not fertilized, dummy. 0.92

00:41:11 Thank you.

00:41:11 Yeah.

00:41:12 I'm going to take that clip out and just text it to me.

00:41:14 Is anything worth stealing, worth stealing twice?

00:41:17 oh you got it wrong answer oh i got it wrong that was your answer did you put your answer

00:41:27 or my answer i put my answer yeah okay all right you say no shoot i'm gonna have to yeah because

00:41:31 i don't think people should steal anything ever once twice 20 times well yes thieves are pieces

00:41:36 so i initially just went to know i think it's the lowliest crime i think we should cut people's

00:41:43 hands off when they steal they used to do that they should you know where else they stole you're 1.00

00:41:47 You're the scum of the earth when you steal. 1.00

00:41:49 And it starts small, you steal like candy, 1.00

00:41:52 and you think, oh, you know,

00:41:53 oh, I'm only stealing this because it's gross.

00:41:57 And you can teach people about ethics

00:41:58 real easy with thief.

00:42:00 Is it the worst crime? 0.93

00:42:02 No, but it's just like this scumbaggery kind of thing. 0.94

00:42:05 It's like a little rape just taking someone's thing. 0.99

00:42:07 Yeah, a little rape. 1.00

00:42:09 It is. 0.99

00:42:10 They call an orgasm the little death.

00:42:11 It feels so like intrusive, 0.78

00:42:15 Like someone's rummaging through your things

00:42:17 and they took your stuff.

00:42:19 And yeah, and it's so grubby

00:42:20 because they're only focused on a material good.

00:42:22 They just want stuff.

00:42:24 You just take it from someone?

00:42:25 Like obviously, you know, there's levels of it,

00:42:28 but I think it's the worst.

00:42:29 Yeah, okay, all right.

00:42:30 I might.

00:42:32 Yeah, sorry, Davey's still wants to have a conversation.

00:42:34 You can make time with my assistant

00:42:37 if you want to have a meeting with me afterward,

00:42:39 but right now I'm speaking to my friend Jeff Dye, okay?

00:42:41 So can we, can I continue?

00:42:43 I love the dynamics of the place around you.

00:42:44 It's just unbelievable.

00:42:45 I was really clocking the hair and makeup, the dynamic between those gals. 1.00

00:42:52 It's my favorite.

00:42:53 That's the highlight of my day.

00:42:54 Then I get thrown in with my producer.

00:42:56 This is a real rapid-fire rant.

00:42:59 Last question.

00:43:00 Is gatekeeping men's spaces and hobbies from women necessary to preserve them? 0.95

00:43:08 Yeah, certainly.

00:43:09 yes you have to it's not in there's some people say well you know and women can have their own 0.94

00:43:16 cigar club or whatever but i think no the whole point you need if you want to have a space just

00:43:22 for one group you have to exclude sure people you gotta say no sometimes yeah i think and also i

00:43:28 think there's nothing wrong with men's spaces there's nothing wrong with women's spaces yeah

00:43:33 that's healthy yeah like i don't understand like uh you know people talk about like men's sport

00:43:38 It's men's sports.

00:43:40 Yeah.

00:43:41 Sorry.

00:43:41 That's a men's space. 0.93

00:43:43 No, they won't let us in the locker room to interview the boys.

00:43:46 Yeah, well, this is a men's space. 0.99

00:43:47 Yeah. 1.00

00:43:48 Stupid. 1.00

00:43:49 Yeah. 1.00

00:43:49 You don't go, oh, man, I can't interview the girls while they're showering. 1.00

00:43:53 No.

00:43:54 Yeah.

00:43:54 Well, I got to get the best beat on Angel Reese's seven-point game, you know?

00:44:00 It's okay to have girl things and guy things.

00:44:03 Yeah. 0.99

00:44:03 Don't be a jerk about it. 1.00

00:44:05 It's fine. 1.00

00:44:05 And it's like you join the country club and it's like, look, this is a whites only space. 0.99

00:44:09 That's where we get carried away.

00:44:11 But like men and women's space is like, that's just totally normal.

00:44:15 Yeah.

00:44:15 Like, like I go to the cigar lounge by my house and I listen to these men complain about their wives and kids, which they love.

00:44:23 Yeah.

00:44:23 They love their wives and kids.

00:44:25 They just need a place to kind of go get it off their chest.

00:44:29 They don't mean it.

00:44:30 They just want to go, hey, you know, my wife bought a blender that's $500.

00:44:34 They don't really care.

00:44:37 Yeah.

00:44:37 But they just want a guy to go, yeah, my wife, don't get me started. 1.00

00:44:41 And then they go home to their wives and kids who they love.

00:44:43 Yes.

00:44:43 And I imagine women are doing that also. 1.00

00:44:45 Like my husband's being annoying and there's like some space for that.

00:44:49 That's very healthy.

00:44:50 You need to because I know I remember I was watching you do a whole bit on this.

00:44:54 And I was like, that's so true.

00:44:56 Where I, a little confession here, I get very sappy with my wife and kids.

00:45:00 I'm a real softie.

00:45:01 You're nice.

00:45:02 Yeah.

00:45:02 Thank you.

00:45:03 But you do need

00:45:05 To be able to be like

00:45:07 You know, let me tell you

00:45:08 The old ball and chain

00:45:10 Yeah, it's just healthy

00:45:11 Well, I mean, we think about my dog

00:45:14 He couldn't be more perfect

00:45:16 But I'm still like, I gotta take this thing out

00:45:18 To pick it up

00:45:19 In a bag, you know

00:45:21 But it doesn't mean I don't like my dog

00:45:23 Same thing with kids

00:45:24 And I don't want to say that in front of my dog

00:45:26 And I don't want to say it in front of your wife

00:45:28 I think those are comparable

00:45:29 People we love

00:45:32 And the other sad thing, too, it's kind of like the monkey in the boxing match.

00:45:36 The dog's probably not even going to notice.

00:45:38 See, you're going to feel bad.

00:45:39 He's going to hear him talking smack about it.

00:45:41 He can feel that energy.

00:45:43 All right, you're up.

00:45:45 Hold on.

00:45:46 Mr. Davies wants to talk again.

00:45:47 Please.

00:45:48 Please tell me this is the yes or no game with Mr. Davies.

00:45:50 Please.

00:45:52 Only you can hear him, so you sound like you're going crazy.

00:45:54 Wait, hold on. 0.98

00:45:54 He's bringing something up about rape.

00:45:56 Wait, what?

00:45:57 Oh, doctor.

00:45:59 Is that another ad rage? 0.99

00:46:00 Did you rape the jersey? 1.00

00:46:02 Mr. Davies wants to know, because this is his show now, I guess. 0.98

00:46:04 Yeah. 0.95

00:46:05 He wants to know, did you rape the jersey that you stole twice? 0.57

00:46:09 Oh, yeah, yeah. 0.95

00:46:10 Well, that was more of a funny gag.

00:46:14 See, everything gets dismissed when it's a joke in my life, you know?

00:46:17 Whenever I do something, I'm like, I was playing around, you know?

00:46:20 Yeah, that was more, I guess, yeah, yeah.

00:46:24 But wasn't it gross, you know, when I stole that jersey?

00:46:27 Yeah, that'd be a great gag, like, when you get in the boxing room with the monkey.

00:46:30 and you just kill the mugging

00:46:31 and you're just like, 0.99

00:46:32 ah!

00:46:32 What a game!

00:46:33 Isn't this funny?

00:46:34 What a game!

00:46:36 All right.

00:46:37 Could AI eventually replace

00:46:39 stand-up comedians entirely?

00:46:42 And that's a...

00:46:43 We do that one?

00:46:44 Ask him.

00:46:45 That's my answer.

00:46:48 I think you think.

00:46:51 I'm hoping.

00:46:53 Yeah, no, it cannot.

00:46:54 Yeah, good, good, good.

00:46:55 No, it can't.

00:46:56 Really, I don't even think

00:46:58 specials could

00:46:59 replace the actual

00:47:01 club work of comedians

00:47:02 because it's so

00:47:03 interpersonal

00:47:04 it actually

00:47:05 even if you're not

00:47:07 Don Rickles or something

00:47:07 well you do it

00:47:08 you do crowd work

00:47:08 it's like the

00:47:09 you actually

00:47:11 the comedy does come

00:47:12 from an interplay

00:47:13 of the real people

00:47:14 sure it's a dialogue

00:47:15 which people don't think

00:47:16 it is but it is

00:47:16 also

00:47:17 comedy's too tricky

00:47:21 you know you're playing

00:47:22 with too many

00:47:23 nuanced things

00:47:25 mixed with like

00:47:26 you're saying a thing

00:47:28 that like it'd be we don't ever do that with the bible right like jesus goes uh you know forgive

00:47:33 your enemies and we don't go but we don't know how he said it you know maybe he maybe he was like oh

00:47:38 forgive your enemies you know like you don't there's too many different ways to say a thing

00:47:43 that i don't think ai is smart enough to be able to uh figure out the other the other thing it's

00:47:50 the same reason ai can't really write a poem is to to do comedy you have to create a fresh image

00:47:57 in people's minds, like not a dead metaphor, not a cliche. It has to startle people by its

00:48:01 incongruity or its absurdity or something like that. So it has to be a sincerely new metaphor

00:48:07 a lot of the time. And AI actually can't do that because an AI is only trained on language that

00:48:14 exists, so dead metaphors, and it has no sensory experience, so it can't really make those new

00:48:19 connections. It would have to steal some stuff that's already out there. That's all AI is a big

00:48:23 search engine right it just is like how it's accumulating all the things that are already out 0.97

00:48:27 there and then it's a search in it right and a rape it's a thief and a rapist yeah okay uh there's

00:48:34 a bunch of stuff on here do i keep asking anyone's on here okay uh is podcasting just therapy for men 0.75

00:48:40 who won't go to therapy what do i think you'll say

00:48:45 you got it wrong it's not as close there's some confession is therapy for men who won't go to

00:48:53 therapy and it's good. I highly recommend confession, but no, you know what's even said

00:48:57 or podcasting is, uh, it's, it's often a social life for men who increasingly don't have social

00:49:06 lives. Sure. Women still to some degree, which is weird because women don't have deep friendships 1.00

00:49:10 and men do, but women still do social things. They go out and see people. Whereas men increasingly

00:49:15 do not. And I mean this both for the podcaster and the podcast D people who listen to them,

00:49:20 But every, at least every white man in America now legally has to have a podcast.

00:49:24 So they're actually the same group of people.

00:49:26 And they, so it's this, it is social in a certain sense, but it's kind of one step removed.

00:49:34 It's almost parasocial.

00:49:35 It's not, so you replace your, like you'd go hang out with the guys, you go to the cigar club, whatever.

00:49:39 You replace it with, like, I feel like I am friends with a lot of people because I listen to their podcasts.

00:49:45 Yeah.

00:49:46 And often I haven't even met them.

00:49:49 Yeah.

00:49:49 I speak to them.

00:49:50 Right.

00:49:50 I think therapy, I think podcasting, at least my podcast, is therapy for sure.

00:49:56 For me.

00:49:57 Because to steal from the great Jordan Peterson, to talk is to think.

00:50:04 Do you do a Jordan Peterson impression?

00:50:05 No, but I respect him too much.

00:50:07 I actually get mad when people do an impression.

00:50:10 Yeah, because I like him so much that I got to stop making him sound.

00:50:16 It'd be like I just love him too much to receive any good impression of him.

00:50:20 I don't have a good sense of humor about it.

00:50:23 You know, so that's all it is.

00:50:24 Those impressions are hilarious, and he does kind of sound like Kermit and all that.

00:50:28 Someday we'll find it, the Rainbow Connection.

00:50:30 Yeah, but it'd be like if I'm like, hey, check out this impression of your wife. 1.00

00:50:35 And you'd go, hey, Jeff, that's not really funny to me.

00:50:38 I love my wife.

00:50:39 That's how I feel about Jordan Peterson.

00:50:41 I'm like, yeah, I get it, but knock it off.

00:50:43 The guy changed my life.

00:50:45 But Jordan talks about, I don't know if it's even his idea,

00:50:48 but he says that uh you know we're going around thinking we're thinking all day but we're not

00:50:53 really thinking we're kind of going through like mental habits you're just kind of going about your

00:50:56 day but when you podcast or when you talk to a good friend or when you talk to someone

00:51:01 you're forced to articulate all of your ideas and thoughts and um ideas and that is therapy

00:51:08 having to put it into the words to explain or defend your position or justify your idea or

00:51:14 justify your your moral stance on something and that is therapy because now you're like wow like

00:51:20 like some things that you think are normal once you articulate you realize are absurd yeah like

00:51:26 my therapist we're talking about the 90s and i'm like can you believe we were just pantsing people

00:51:32 you know like i've never really thought about it it was just like yeah you pants but when you

00:51:36 really had to explain what it was where you're like yeah you'd wait for your friend who trusts

00:51:41 you to be, like, holding a tray of food or something, and then you would just pants him

00:51:46 in front of the whole school, which is a trauma for sure, and then if he told on you, you'd

00:51:53 act incredulous, like, oh, God.

00:51:56 Here we go.

00:51:57 All we did was pull his pants and underwear down in front of the whole school, and now

00:52:03 he told on us? 1.00

00:52:05 We're going to have to beat the shit out of that guy. 0.99

00:52:08 He snitched on us for the crimes we did to him. 0.99

00:52:13 And then now your friend starts wearing

00:52:16 his sister's eyeliner to school.

00:52:18 He gets really into the cure.

00:52:20 And he starts working at GameStop for 30 years

00:52:23 all because you and your buddies wanted to pay.

00:52:26 It's insane.

00:52:27 Once you have to say it,

00:52:28 then it becomes, you realize the gravity of all these things.

00:52:32 You know, like explain why you feel this way

00:52:34 about your daughter or something.

00:52:36 And when they have to like really say it,

00:52:37 they're really thinking about it and that's why they get choked up or that's why so i think to

00:52:42 speak is to truly think and that's what therapy is supposed to be yeah it's right yeah it's but

00:52:47 it's not like philosophy which you know that's it's like a kind of introspective yeah uh social

00:52:53 uh thinking and that's why young people have when like you see these man on the street things we

00:52:58 might dismiss these things on daily wire or any of these things when you some guy goes and asks a

00:53:02 college kid to be like you know and and those are kind of fun gotcha reels like look this kid's an 0.99

00:53:07 idiot but it's because that young person 1.00

00:53:09 has probably never had to 1.00

00:53:11 really explain

00:53:13 how or why they think the thing they do

00:53:15 and so it's really healthy to make them do that

00:53:17 because then they're going damn it like I've never

00:53:19 I don't know I'm just I'm working on feelings 0.88

00:53:21 it feels right to defend these marginalized

00:53:23 groups or it feels right to defend trans 0.98

00:53:25 people but when I really have to

00:53:27 put it into words the logic

00:53:29 isn't there and

00:53:31 all that stuff isn't there

00:53:33 so like the feelings are good I'm glad these kids have

00:53:35 all these great feelings. I guess the heart is good, but now we're forcing them to use the brain,

00:53:40 you know? Yes. No, because the question clearly meant to deride podcasting by comparing it to

00:53:45 therapy, but you actually made it seem good. Yeah. I think it's healthy. Yeah. And even,

00:53:49 it reminds me when I was a freshman in college, I was talking to my roommate and we were talking

00:53:54 about politics, what we were thinking about. I was like, oh yeah, well I'm on the right side

00:53:58 because I think this and that. And why is this good? Well, because I think this. And why is

00:54:02 this good? Because it leads to this. And finally, we got down to, I said, well, because it's about

00:54:06 liberty. And my roommate asked me this question that floored me. He goes, well, why is liberty

00:54:12 good? And I got really angry. I said, what are you, you're being a tuse. But I said, oh, it's

00:54:18 actually a good question. Why is liberty, I had never, I was at that time a libertarian. I had

00:54:24 never even considered why liberty is good. Yeah. I can go a step further. Having to explain,

00:54:32 if you just start going, why, why, why, having to explain why it would be immoral for someone

00:54:37 to be attracted to young people or children or animals or something, trying to defend

00:54:43 that position of why that is immoral, which we all think is absurd.

00:54:47 You would never even have to do that.

00:54:48 But by having to explain why it is, obviously I'm correct.

00:54:52 You shouldn't be hooking up with animals and children and things or minors.

00:54:55 Especially young animals.

00:54:56 but by explaining it i did get this overwhelming sense of compassion for people who might struggle

00:55:04 with that yeah because now the feelings got involved where i'm like man i can't imagine

00:55:08 being in a position where you're so where you're conflicted with these attractions to things that

00:55:13 are immoral and unjust and i think that's where conservatives struggle i'm a conservative and i

00:55:17 struggle with i'm so right about a lot of these issues because i've brain busted the words and

00:55:23 the articulating and the defending and the arguing,

00:55:25 but I haven't been very nice about it because I'm so, 1.00

00:55:30 it's liberty, stupid. 1.00

00:55:31 Yeah, yeah, right. 1.00

00:55:33 But then that forces you to go, okay, you know,

00:55:35 this is a fair question and I need to work on my heart about this.

00:55:38 Like I'm being a little hard on these trans people and I should be more 1.00

00:55:41 sensitive and then they're going to hear it because I've got all the facts.

00:55:45 No, it's so right.

00:55:46 It's very easy to be nice to Mother Teresa.

00:55:49 Sure.

00:55:49 It's actually hard to be nice to the guy in prison or the thief or whatever. 0.99

00:55:52 And then you think, well, the grimiest, most wicked type of criminal is a pedo. 0.75

00:55:58 You think, well, hold on, but aren't I supposed to at least be somewhat gracious in how I think about things, even as I'm trying to explain something profoundly evil? 0.97

00:56:08 Like, because, you know, you can convince people as to why it's bestiality or something like this.

00:56:13 But then, when you have to explain to someone, a brother and a sister, they're both 65 years old, well past childbearing age, they want to have an incestuous relationship.

00:56:27 Is that wrong?

00:56:28 Right.

00:56:29 It is.

00:56:29 But why is it wrong?

00:56:31 That you have to defend it.

00:56:32 That's what I'm saying, right.

00:56:32 You have to explain why that's wrong.

00:56:34 And you can't, based on how most people think about it, the reason they think it's wrong to sleep with animals or children or something is because, well, there's no consent.

00:56:41 Yeah.

00:56:41 But in the case of the 65-year-old siblings who want to be freaky, they can consent.

00:56:47 What if the animal is entering the person?

00:56:49 That's consent?

00:56:50 Yeah.

00:56:51 That's an image in my mind now that I did not really expect or desire.

00:56:54 Because you could say that's too, do you know what I'm saying?

00:56:58 But these are the kind of conversations you have to, like, really defend your position on.

00:57:02 There's a play about it.

00:57:02 Equus.

00:57:03 Or no, maybe the...

00:57:04 One thing that I think with, like, what you just reminded me of while we were talking about it is that, like, you know, like racists.

00:57:10 like, racist people.

00:57:12 There are very evil racist 1.00

00:57:14 people. Or not evil, but they're racist 1.00

00:57:16 people. And we're taught, and we're 0.65

00:57:18 teaching young people to just hate them.

00:57:20 They're the worst, and that's the worst thing you can 0.76

00:57:22 be. Or,

00:57:24 be nice and teach them that being racist 1.00

00:57:26 is ignorant and stupid. 1.00

00:57:28 Where's your compassion for these people? 1.00

00:57:30 And called for only in certain circumstances.

00:57:32 Let's reform them. Let's make

00:57:34 them not racists. Let's not

00:57:36 just go, eh, beat them up, and 0.64

00:57:38 that's just probably 0.98

00:57:40 going to make them

00:57:40 a little more racist.

00:57:41 Yeah, yeah.

00:57:43 So I think that

00:57:44 you have to have

00:57:45 all angles of those things.

00:57:47 Like you can say,

00:57:47 you'd be like,

00:57:47 look, racists are 0.96

00:57:48 very, very bad. 0.98

00:57:50 Yeah.

00:57:50 They're not as bad

00:57:51 as gypsies. 0.85

00:57:52 You know?

00:57:53 Yeah.

00:57:53 Okay, all right.

00:57:54 You get it.

00:57:54 All right, there's one more.

00:57:55 One more, okay.

00:57:56 Generally speaking,

00:57:57 is a relationship

00:57:58 between a 37-year-old woman

00:58:00 and a 24-year-old TikToker

00:58:03 too large of an age gap?

00:58:05 And I have to think

00:58:06 what you would say.

00:58:08 Hmm.

00:58:08 And this started with generally speaking, by the way.

00:58:15 Yeah, it is.

00:58:16 Ooh, it's called it.

00:58:18 But only because he's 24 and she's 37.

00:58:24 Like if he were 54 and she were 67, it wouldn't matter.

00:58:29 But because he would, ostensibly the point of the relationship is to get married if you're a 24-year-old guy.

00:58:37 And probably the point of getting married is to have kids.

00:58:40 And if you get married, let's say they get married 38, 39,

00:58:44 the odds of having kids are very, very low.

00:58:45 And so you'd be subverting the very purpose of the marriage.

00:58:49 And so the relationship would be pointless.

00:58:53 Yeah, but do we need to be making more TikTokers? 1.00

00:58:57 That's a good point.

00:58:58 Yeah, yeah.

00:58:59 This says of an age gap for what, though?

00:59:01 For a healthy relationship?

00:59:04 For a nice family?

00:59:06 who knows who knows yeah who cares no you're right that's a good way to take the tiktokers 1.00

00:59:11 out of the blood yeah and also it's like it's like for what i don't know like people date all

00:59:16 the time i'll see some old guy with some young chick and i roll my eyes but if they're happy

00:59:21 yeah right but if you see an old lady with some young guy everyone be like you go girl look at

00:59:25 her you guys so it's like who cares yeah yeah yeah i but i got that right so you're going right

00:59:31 right okay this is rough i have one chance to redeem myself before we get to that though you

00:59:38 watch the show you love the show you know you need unique new york well you can get your hands

00:59:44 on the game the yes or no game yeah here it is best selling most important game with the daily

00:59:49 wire only available dailywire.com slash shop it's simple it's addictive it will tell you exactly

00:59:55 how well you really know the people in your life hundreds of cards up to nine players no liberal

01:00:00 nonsense. Plus, you can add

01:00:02 on to the fun with the conspiracy

01:00:04 expansion pack, with the

01:00:08 politics, religion, and philosophy

01:00:10 expansion pack, with all the expansion

01:00:12 packs. Whether you are testing your family

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01:00:20 For a limited time, go to dailywire.com slash shop

01:00:22 and order a Yes or No game

01:00:24 today. Are you ready

01:00:26 for the final round?

01:00:30 This prompt will be read. We will both lock in our answers, and then we will move our glasses to yes or no to see if we can read the other person's mind.

01:00:42 The round is worth double points. It could change everything. The score right now, we're tied at zero.

01:00:50 This was all pointless.

01:00:51 Okay, so we put the glasses.

01:00:56 So here, I'll put mine on Knoll's. 0.98

01:00:57 I'll put the crap all under it. 0.98

01:00:57 Yeah, you put yours on. 0.99

01:00:59 No, you put yours on dye.

01:01:00 Oh, dye. 1.00

01:01:01 Okay.

01:01:03 I'm going to read the prompt.

01:01:04 You lock in your answer, and then you move my glass to where you think I would go.

01:01:07 You got it.

01:01:08 Here's a video prompt.

01:01:09 Okay.

01:01:10 Today's the day.

01:01:11 My boy.

01:01:12 I spent the last two years studying every post, every video, monitoring likes, engagements,

01:01:16 who's being rewarded, and who's being punished.

01:01:18 I'm just going to order one bottle of champagne.

01:01:20 I called my agent, got the okay.

01:01:21 They said they don't love it, but they understand.

01:01:23 They've already had other clients drop something similar.

01:01:25 It is for a celebration, so if you have sparklers too, that'd be good.

01:01:28 Benefits of supporting Israel are a relic of the past. 0.88

01:01:31 And today, it is I who will drop my pro-Palestine post.

01:01:36 One flag, no words.

01:01:38 Simple.

01:01:39 Elegant.

01:01:40 Some even might say courageous. 0.99

01:01:42 Who the f*** is Venezuela? 0.98

01:01:47 Post-October 7th. 0.98

01:01:48 Is this the most difficult time in history for people in entertainment to take a clear political stance?

01:01:56 Is this the most difficult time?

01:01:58 Yeah. Everyone talks about, oh, this is bad for the Jews. Oh, this is bad for the Palestinians.

01:02:02 What about the people in show business?

01:02:03 Is this the most difficult time for people in entertainment to take a clear political stance?

01:02:08 And I put what I think you'll say.

01:02:12 No, you put what you think.

01:02:14 Oh, I put what I think.

01:02:15 Yeah, the...

01:02:17 Okay.

01:02:23 And now we move the glasses to where you think the other person would go.

01:02:36 We might be tied again.

01:02:38 We both lost.

01:02:40 Or we both won.

01:02:41 It is.

01:02:42 I was going to say the harder time was in communism when all the Hollywood people were communists.

01:02:49 Yes.

01:02:49 You know, the Committee on American Activities and McCarthyism and all.

01:02:53 But there, it was easy.

01:02:53 They all pretended not to be communists.

01:02:55 Sure.

01:02:55 They were communists.

01:02:55 Right.

01:02:56 This one is hard because you go, you've got to find a guy on the right, a guy on the left, a Democrat, a Republican, whatever.

01:03:01 You don't really know, especially with young people, you really don't know what they think about Israel, Palestine.

01:03:07 Sure.

01:03:08 You just have no idea. 0.98

01:03:08 Yeah, and also, they're all, like, they're all liars. 0.77

01:03:13 Like, that's how Hollywood works. 0.89

01:03:16 They're actors.

01:03:17 They'll say, like, whatever they think that they will get cheers for.

01:03:21 What are they going to get cheers for?

01:03:23 Nice.

01:03:23 And they're like, aha.

01:03:24 So then they go, oh, I know to say that one.

01:03:26 You know, and I know to say this one.

01:03:28 And they learn all those things because they're these little, like, nightcrawler shapeshifters.

01:03:32 Yeah.

01:03:33 And then the truth is, like, I can't tell you how many Hollywood actors I've met.

01:03:38 very famous all the way down to like D-list reality stars who are liberal this, liberal that,

01:03:44 and then they get me and they go, hey, you know, actually, they're all closeted conservatives.

01:03:50 The thing with the left right now is some of the power players, some of the elite libs are still

01:03:56 pro-Israel. The whole base, the whole group of young people and many of the eccentric people

01:04:02 are pro-Palestine.

01:04:04 On the right,

01:04:05 the boomers,

01:04:06 very, very pro-Israel.

01:04:08 Yeah.

01:04:09 Except some of the boomers, 0.99

01:04:11 the old paleocons,

01:04:12 don't really like Israel.

01:04:13 And then you get

01:04:13 to the young people,

01:04:15 and it depends

01:04:15 how edgy and online they are.

01:04:17 Most of them

01:04:18 probably anti-Israel.

01:04:19 Sure.

01:04:19 Some of them still like,

01:04:21 you know,

01:04:21 Young Republican Club,

01:04:23 Red Tie,

01:04:24 pro-Israel.

01:04:25 So you're doing a show,

01:04:26 let's say you're doing a show

01:04:27 for, it's a split house,

01:04:29 you've got some libs there, 1.00

01:04:30 maybe you've got

01:04:30 a lot of conservatives there,

01:04:31 and you need to make a joke yeah what do you i just go for the joke whatever it is yeah no matter

01:04:39 what those are the rules but i think why i'm having success is because i don't talk about

01:04:43 things that are that complex i'm kind of your everyday man as far as just in general not not

01:04:49 by design it's just who i am like i am i've you you'll never hear a joke from me about israel

01:04:55 palestine yeah but because i don't know it's very complex i can find 10 reasons on this side why

01:05:00 these people can justify their behavior i can find 10 people or 10 reasons on this side and so for

01:05:05 me it makes it very tough to to make a joke but you don't have to be a genius to go that guy

01:05:10 shouldn't be swimming with those girls right like and so that's kind of an obvious one and then 1.00

01:05:15 people hear my comedy and go oh yeah like because it's it's i'm a simple dude you know like it

01:05:20 doesn't take much to go yeah but seinfeld in the early part of the trump era he famously said he

01:05:26 was asked why he doesn't do jokes about trump and he said he's like i don't want to do jokes about

01:05:29 Trump. I want to do jokes about strawberries. Right. Which makes total sense. Yeah. I think

01:05:33 the Israel-Palestine thing also, furthermore, is like really helping politics in a way because

01:05:39 it's forcing people to kind of get out of their tribes. All these Jewish people who thought they 0.83

01:05:43 were liberals for so long are now going, oh, this is interesting. This is how people think.

01:05:47 Be like these libs hate Jews, but also some of these conservatives hate Jews. Right. I need to 0.94

01:05:52 move to Iran after, yeah, because maybe now it'll be a kind of... And it's the first time they've

01:05:59 ever been like maybe i'm not a democrat yeah ever in their entire lives and i like the only

01:06:04 argument i've ever heard against that was uh my buddy alex who's a very funny comedian he said uh

01:06:10 he goes well i have anti-semitism's been on both sides forever and i'm like what a great excuse to

01:06:14 just to stay tribal you know yeah yeah yeah it reminds me of because like norm would do he would 0.99

01:06:22 do uh he would tackle political issues sure but it was always in the craziest way so he instead

01:06:28 of just kind of making a little bit of a joke

01:06:30 about, you know, Jews

01:06:32 or Palestinians or whatever, he would just

01:06:34 do a 15-minute bit

01:06:36 needling someone on, like, a Holocaust 0.69

01:06:38 denier, you know, and it would just, you'd go

01:06:40 so far. Well, that's how my show is.

01:06:42 Like, I'm talking about, everything's

01:06:44 political now, so, like, it's, you know,

01:06:46 essentially, 100% of my act is political.

01:06:48 But I just think it's better to

01:06:50 go after things

01:06:52 that aren't as complex

01:06:54 as that. I mean, if you want to really, like,

01:06:56 do you remember during COVID,

01:06:57 when, like, people are, like, in the stores, like, in early COVID.

01:07:01 Yeah.

01:07:01 And you have, like, you know, the liberal ladies wearing, like, a space suit 1.00

01:07:05 while she's at Whole Foods.

01:07:06 And then you had, like, a guy like my dad who's just, like, no mask.

01:07:09 Yeah.

01:07:10 He's like, I'm not doing it.

01:07:11 Eating tango in the store.

01:07:12 Yes, yeah, and he's, like, spitting.

01:07:14 And he's like, this is all a scam.

01:07:16 And, you know, like, and you're listening to the space suit lady go, 0.98

01:07:20 you got to wear your mask.

01:07:21 And the guy like my dad's like, I'm not doing it, boy.

01:07:23 And she's like, girl.

01:07:24 And they're arguing or whatever.

01:07:26 And I remember thinking when I'd see those videos on the internet or see it happen in

01:07:29 real life that I'm like, this psycho, I don't agree with her.

01:07:33 And this psycho, I don't agree with him.

01:07:34 It's like, can we both just work this out?

01:07:36 We're going through something together.

01:07:37 Can we both just figure this out?

01:07:40 And that's how I think about Israel and Palestine.

01:07:42 And I'm like, can we just figure this out? 0.98

01:07:45 What, a thousand more years of this warring crap? 0.98

01:07:48 Yeah, it's like, no, I think similarly with COVID, I think like, can't we just inflict 0.98

01:07:51 a bioweapon on the entire region and then we don't have to worry about it anymore?

01:07:55 Yeah, we fixed it.

01:07:56 Yeah, exactly.

01:07:56 Okay.

01:07:58 Last one.

01:07:59 Final question.

01:08:01 Cue the lights.

01:08:05 If you had to repeal one amendment in the hopes of a greater flourishing and safety for people in America,

01:08:12 would it be the 19th Amendment?

01:08:18 Now, if we could just get a quick refresher on the 19th Amendment.

01:08:22 You know, for the audience.

01:08:24 Yeah.

01:08:24 not for jeff jeff knows lots of stuff yeah yeah very smart guy i once had the right to bear arms

01:08:31 everyone knows that yeah yeah yeah you know we all know the 16th 17 18th and just just for

01:08:37 refreshing um so people i had this debate with a major politician and it was people always go for

01:08:46 women voting but it was an implicit debate because we were talking about all sorts of different

01:08:56 amendments there's how many of them something like 26 that's what i heard somewhere around

01:09:00 there maybe yeah okay i already told him what the 19th this guy doesn't understand can we please

01:09:06 get a new producer to this show he tells he goes you should tell jeff what the 19th amendment oh

01:09:11 I just very graciously did that.

01:09:12 Women's suffrage. 1.00

01:09:13 Yes.

01:09:14 You see how I did that?

01:09:15 These broads voting on stuff that they don't even want to. 1.00

01:09:18 And then he says, tell them it's women voting. 0.99

01:09:21 Let us vote, let us vote, but we refuse to go to battle.

01:09:25 Let us vote, let us vote, but I don't want to plumb or be a construction worker

01:09:29 or do any of what the real workforce is.

01:09:31 I like the verb plumb.

01:09:34 Like one who goes a-plumbing.

01:09:35 Yeah, I'm a plumb guy.

01:09:36 I'm a plumber.

01:09:37 You need plumbing?

01:09:37 I'm a plumb man.

01:09:38 Okay, so I give my answer.

01:09:41 and now what would you say i wrote yes

01:09:49 you got to move where mine would go

01:09:55 this is tricky

01:09:59 you got it wrong yeah no it wouldn't it would be the 14th amendment the 14th amendment which

01:10:06 is that it'll get me in trouble because that's like equal protection and all this stuff yeah

01:10:10 They're going to call me racist also because of the whole rest of our show.

01:10:12 Yeah, they'll kill you because Charlie Kirk said something about civil rights and nobody ever listens to the second sentence of his argument.

01:10:20 Yeah, that was all going around. 0.96

01:10:21 They called him a racist.

01:10:22 They still do.

01:10:23 It's just so insane.

01:10:25 But, no, the 14th Amendment is really bad because it basically just blows up the whole Constitution.

01:10:29 And it actually changes the structure of the Constitution.

01:10:33 And then it lets these libs do whatever they want. 1.00

01:10:35 It's like, we're going to redefine marriage and we're going to, you know, execute the president.

01:10:39 because of the penumbras and the shadows of the 14th Amendment.

01:10:44 Equal protection, substantive due process.

01:10:46 Well, let's talk about the 19th.

01:10:48 Yeah, that would be the second one we repeal.

01:10:50 But the first one would be the 14th.

01:10:52 Maybe the 17th.

01:10:52 Not the first one.

01:10:53 Did it say first?

01:10:54 Yeah, is that if there were one?

01:10:56 Wow, that's crazy.

01:10:57 So the final score, because of that, we're tied until the last one.

01:11:00 Yeah.

01:11:01 Because of that, the final score is zero, me, to negative four.

01:11:06 Negative four? 0.93

01:11:07 Yeah, that.

01:11:08 I would say it would probably just be 0-0.

01:11:10 Isn't that how scores work?

01:11:11 Yeah.

01:11:12 So you, all I'm saying is when you move to Iran, 1.00

01:11:16 I'm going to teach you one little phrase that you're going to have to use around the,

01:11:20 I assume you don't speak Farsi.

01:11:21 No.

01:11:22 Write this one down.

01:11:24 Okay.

01:11:24 No ticky, no washi.

01:11:26 Yeah, there it is.

01:11:27 Be sure to check out Jeff's new podcast, Die Hard with Jeff Dye,

01:11:31 available now on YouTube.

01:11:32 Also, from Dating Disasters to Brutally Honest Takes on Modern Life,

01:11:36 You do not want to miss Jeff Dye's tour happening right now.

01:11:39 Fast, fearless, just a little bit inappropriate.

01:11:42 You are going to want to see this live.

01:11:44 Get your tickets now.

01:11:45 I already said it.

01:11:46 Did you buy them already?

01:11:47 Get them now.

01:11:48 While they last, jeffdye.com.

01:11:49 We don't have a teaser from his current tour.

01:11:52 It's too fresh.

01:11:52 It's too real.

01:11:53 But here is a clip from The Last Cowboy in L.A. to give you a taste of what you will miss if you don't grab your tickets right now.

01:12:00 I hit rock bottom in Hollywood, California.

01:12:03 That is a bad place for rock bottom 0.65

01:12:05 because everyone is mean to you there.

01:12:07 In Hollywood, everyone, my entire career,

01:12:09 everybody in Hollywood's been like,

01:12:10 you're not even famous.

01:12:11 I've never heard of you.

01:12:12 You're not famous.

01:12:13 You're not even famous.

01:12:14 You're not famous.

01:12:15 I have never heard of you.

01:12:16 You're not famous.

01:12:17 You're not even famous.

01:12:18 Right?

01:12:18 And then I have one bad day,

01:12:20 and it's like, famous comedian,

01:12:21 crash his car, fights God. 1.00

01:12:23 I'm like, God damn it. 1.00

01:12:26 $30 is a lot for a smoke. 0.99

01:12:29 Yes, yes.

01:12:31 Also, if I'm honest,

01:12:32 i actually like trans women better than i like regular women i do have you ever talked to a 0.93

01:12:37 trans woman they're great they're like dudes this is brave what i'm doing right now hit them with

01:12:53 the poetry like no i like her she likes naughty words you know probably not a smart subject to 1.00

01:13:00 do on my first special, but you know, I like to start at Kansas, man. I like to start at Kansas.

01:13:07 All right.

01:13:11 I will say, first of all, Jeff, thanks for coming. Thank you, man. You're the best. This was

01:13:14 excellent. Absolutely. I'll see you on the next episode of Yes or No.

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The Michael Knowles Show - March 28, 2026

Michael Knowles Can't Stop Laughing With Comedian Jeff Dye ｜ YES or NO

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Summary

Transcript