The Podcast of the Lotus Eaters - Monkey News

00:00:00.000 Hello there, and today I'm going to be going over the much-anticipated monkey news for 2025.

00:00:21.020 By the way, you can stop messaging me about it now. At least twice a week I get a message like,

00:00:25.700 when are you doing monkey news? When are you doing monkey news? Nice gestures you're doing there, Harry.

00:00:30.440 And now I'm doing it, alright? I said I did it at Christmas, and here you are, my gift to you.

00:00:34.560 I'm going through all of the year's monkey news sequentially, starting from January to November,

00:00:40.720 because we're pre-recording this at the end of November, so I can't do December's monkey news

00:00:45.040 because I don't have my monkey news crystal ball, but I will roll that into next year's, I'm sure.

00:00:50.160 The great heartbreak about monkey news, of course, is that it can only be a Christmas treat.

00:00:54.520 It can't be all year, because we don't want to spoil you with monkey news.

00:00:59.080 And also, monkeys aren't that industrious. It takes a whole year to accrue enough news for one segment.

00:01:04.660 Monkeys are comparable with Ents from Lords of the Rings in that way. They take their time to do things.

00:01:10.500 Yeah, that's the reason we've never been able to figure out their language, is that they just take a really long time.

00:01:15.740 But anyway, there is a bit of a running theme.

00:01:18.400 Last year's monkey news was a little bit whimsical and fun.

00:01:22.440 This one is a story of a war between monkeys and people, starting in January of this year.

00:01:29.420 Man versus monkey.

00:01:30.800 I know. Who's your bets on?

00:01:34.240 Monkey, honestly.

00:01:35.960 Pet monkey jumps through drive-thru window and attacks Starbucks worker in Mobile, Alabama.

00:01:41.660 Or mobile. I don't know how you would say it there, but I would say mobile.

00:01:46.080 And it is an aotus monkey.

00:01:47.400 You've announced it Alabama as well.

00:01:49.280 I know. I'm English.

00:01:50.580 Alabama. Please, editor, insert picture of Barack Obama with a big red arrow pointing at him.

00:01:57.580 It is my right as an Englishman to pronounce it that way.

00:02:00.200 I respect it.

00:02:00.900 So it was an aotus monkey jumped through a Starbucks drive-thru window and attacked a barista, biting and scratching her.

00:02:08.900 And apparently a co-worker pulled the monkey off and the police responded, but no charges were filed as the monkey was able to escape with its pet human.

00:02:16.560 And as a word of warning, the box isn't working.

00:02:22.140 Even on Christmas.

00:02:23.160 Even on Christmas.

00:02:24.540 This is what the monkey looks like.

00:02:26.240 This is a small monkey, still at large.

00:02:28.040 If you see this monkey, call the authorities.

00:02:30.420 You've been out for a year.

00:02:32.100 Yeah, I know. He's been on the run for a long time.

00:02:33.680 This is what this little guy looks like.

00:02:36.120 I wouldn't turn him in.

00:02:37.760 No.

00:02:38.340 Look at those eyes.

00:02:39.640 Look at him. He's such a little sweetheart.

00:02:42.040 I know.

00:02:43.180 I don't believe it. This was a stitch job. 0.79

00:02:46.540 He's been set up.

00:02:49.280 Well, it's not all bad news because the world in March noticed the world's first human running monkey.

00:02:58.040 Do you know what that means?

00:02:59.600 As in, no, running on its hind legs.

00:03:03.820 Well, I'm sorry for this being on TikTok, but it's the best video I could find.

00:03:08.600 I spent, believe me, I actually spent 45 minutes looking for the best video.

00:03:12.000 Is this going to be running like, oh my God.

00:03:14.740 As he got closer to the camera, it's like he realised.

00:03:25.300 It's like, stay in character. I'm just a monkey.

00:03:27.280 So, the story behind this monkey is actually a little bit sad.

00:03:33.000 It was born with both of its arms missing, I think, or it lost them.

00:03:36.960 Oh, alright. And that's why it runs over it.

00:03:39.420 But it does run like a Japanese anime character.

00:03:44.420 No, that would be hunched over with both arms stretched behind its back.

00:03:48.240 It doesn't have any arms, Harry.

00:03:49.500 Exactly.

00:03:50.240 Not very sensitive to the monkey.

00:03:51.900 But you get the idea.

00:03:54.120 It looks like he's running away from these cameramen and these people chased by him.

00:03:59.640 He wasn't actually able to run like this until the cameras were out and then he was running away.

00:04:03.840 That's how he developed it.

00:04:05.120 But it's a nice wholesome story of how a monkey has adapted.

00:04:08.420 And now people take care of the monkey because it's become a big internet phenomenon.

00:04:13.740 Oh, good.

00:04:14.740 So, it's a feel-good story.

00:04:17.140 And from feel-good to feel-bad.

00:04:20.460 Of course, the box still isn't working.

00:04:22.380 I should have learnt from the last time.

00:04:24.580 The most Scottish monkey in the world. 1.00

00:04:27.040 Stressed monkey with marshmallow addiction rescued from birdcage.

00:04:30.840 And this was somewhere in Scotland, I believe. 0.96

00:04:35.600 So, shame on you, Scottish person that did this. 1.00

00:04:38.420 I was going to say, what a bizarre series of words put in front of one another until you mentioned that it was in Scotland.

00:04:43.500 In which case, it all makes sense.

00:04:45.520 Actually, that monkey was probably eating a healthier diet than any Scot in at least a mile radius.

00:04:50.620 At least the marshmallows weren't deep fried.

00:04:52.520 That's true.

00:04:53.620 That was the most healthy thing they could find.

00:04:55.680 So, some leeway should be given to the people of Scotland.

00:04:58.740 And all of you, apparently, collectively blamed for this.

00:05:01.920 Josh is Scottish.

00:05:02.600 You can say this.

00:05:03.720 Half Scottish.

00:05:04.760 I can only half say it.

00:05:06.160 So, apparently, monkey rights campaign has pointed to the case of Steve, the name of the monkey, a four-year-old marmoset,

00:05:12.620 as an example of why laws in the UK should be tightened around monkeys.

00:05:16.060 And I think that probably keeping them in a birdcage, stressing them out and feeding them marshmallows is not the best thing for them.

00:05:23.660 I don't think that's a particularly good simulation of their natural environment, to be honest.

00:05:28.580 And the worst of all, they have to live in Scotland in the cold, which is probably not good for a monkey.

00:05:33.800 They're not used to it.

00:05:34.480 And how about something a little bit weird?

00:05:39.440 Stop trying the box.

00:05:40.920 I can't.

00:05:41.520 I can see you doing it.

00:05:43.240 It's so habitual.

00:05:44.260 I've been here so long.

00:05:45.780 So, I'm just going to play this.

00:05:47.820 I'm not going to give it any explanation.

00:05:49.300 You figure it out.

00:05:50.040 On an island off the coast of Panama, in an unusual population of capuchin monkeys, the only one of their kind to use stone tools,

00:06:06.180 we made a really surprising observation.

00:06:08.960 Immature male monkeys were stealing and carrying infants of a different species on their backs, sometimes for days at a time.

00:06:15.300 Why they do this is totally unclear.

00:06:17.080 What we have been able to document is that this strange behaviour, which started with a single animal and is now spread throughout the entire population,

00:06:24.940 seems to have no clear benefit.

00:06:26.700 As far as we can tell, it's a fad.

00:06:29.080 The tradition is clearly...

00:06:30.500 Okay, I think that's enough.

00:06:32.660 But I find it interesting here that they finally found the sort of Madonna of monkeys.

00:06:37.400 So, the monkeys are carrying other species of infants on their backs, kind of in the same way that Paris Hilton would carry around that tiny dog in her bag. 0.61

00:06:49.660 A little bit, yeah.

00:06:50.520 It's a fashion accessory.

00:06:52.400 Perhaps we're not so different after all.

00:06:54.860 So, apparently, capuchins and howler monkeys cohabit mostly without issue because their diets don't conflict and therefore they don't have to compete with one another.

00:07:04.700 And so, it isn't like a, we hate these monkeys, you know, we're taking something out on them.

00:07:10.100 And what's really weird is that it started off with a young male and spread to the other young males before spreading to the whole group, which is weird.

00:07:19.320 Sort of Dave Rubin of monkeys.

00:07:21.420 Yeah, it's the young men.

00:07:22.360 A bit weird, isn't it?

00:07:25.740 But, yeah, it's also the young men in which tool use originated.

00:07:31.520 So, it could be, as some of the researchers have speculated, and this is some top-ed, you know, cutting-edge science, that the monkeys are bored.

00:07:41.260 They're just doing things to amuse themselves.

00:07:43.980 Yeah.

00:07:44.140 Apparently, in the span of 15 months, 11 infant howler monkeys were carried by juvenile or sub-adult male capuchin monkeys for periods of up to nine days.

00:07:53.800 The reason it's periods of up to nine days is because they don't have breasts to feed them, and therefore the monkeys slowly die.

00:08:01.460 And when they stop being able to grip because they're so weak, the monkeys carry them for a bit in their arms, and when they stop being able to carry them, they leave them for dead. 0.97

00:08:10.460 Ho, ho, ho, merry Christmas.

00:08:14.560 Merry Christmas, everyone.

00:08:17.540 That was depressing.

00:08:18.780 I was, like, this woman's here, like, oh, this is such an exciting and interesting development. 0.97

00:08:23.440 I can't wait to find, oh, they just killed them. 0.90

00:08:25.800 Monkey planned parenthood, yeah. 0.99

00:08:27.200 They're just, pfft.

00:08:27.840 But anyway, something a bit more interesting and a little bit more light-hearted.

00:08:34.380 In Hong Kong, I believe, there was a banner saying, don't feed the monkeys, otherwise you will face this 5,000-something currency fine.

00:08:45.660 And you can notice here in the picture, the monkey is tearing the part with the fine.

00:08:52.360 Are the monkeys learning?

00:08:54.320 Apparently so.

00:08:55.180 So this happened on the 16th of June, and it is targeting a sign that's saying, fixed penalty, 5,000, says dollars here, that's obviously not right, leaving the fine amount conspicuously torn away.

00:09:10.180 And people were speculating that this suggests monkey intelligence, but knowing what monkeys are like, this was probably just a coincidence.

00:09:17.440 This was probably just monkey vandalism.

00:09:19.720 Monkeying around, some might say.

00:09:21.140 Okay, so another thing that I found interesting, that isn't depressing, thankfully, is some parallels between long-tailed macaques and human beings.

00:09:32.520 Basically, they showed lots of videos to these macaques and tried to follow what they paid most attention to.

00:09:40.800 And they paid most attention to videos of aggression, which makes sense.

00:09:45.500 You sort of want to pay attention to that, don't you?

00:09:47.960 I mean, human beings are much the same.

00:09:50.000 You know, I've seen Stelios look at many fight videos in the office.

00:09:54.120 Stelios is always on the lookout for potential threats.

00:09:56.740 It only makes sense.

00:09:58.320 Being next door to Turkey and all. 0.99

00:10:01.120 That is true.

00:10:02.000 And they preferred watching known group members over strangers, so monkeys have in-group preference. 0.96

00:10:08.740 Racist monkeys confirmed. 0.96

00:10:10.360 Mm-hmm. 0.70

00:10:11.200 And low-ranking, less aggressive monkeys watch more closely than dominant individuals.

00:10:16.040 And so the moral of the story is, if you're a dominant male, don't watch television.

00:10:21.240 That's what I got from this.

00:10:23.300 Just don't watch television at all, really.

00:10:25.100 My favourite thing of all about this isn't the findings itself.

00:10:28.000 I tried the box again.

00:10:29.040 The most interesting at all is, no matter how many times we shock Josh, his behaviour never changes.

00:10:36.300 He's a man incapable of learning.

00:10:38.400 Hassan Piker's dog. 0.95

00:10:40.640 Is this picture of the monkeys sat around a laptop.

00:10:45.520 And I'm pretty sure this is actually what they did.

00:10:48.600 Me and the boys.

00:10:51.020 Watching cat videos on YouTube at 3am on a Saturday morning.

00:10:55.440 And, uh, from, uh...

00:11:00.140 This was literally university.

00:11:02.500 Yes, it was.

00:11:03.440 Just all round a narrow screen.

00:11:05.240 Huddling.

00:11:06.320 Well, maybe not that.

00:11:07.220 Yeah, we were doing this instead of coursework.

00:11:11.400 So, from light-hearted to a bit more serious.

00:11:15.080 Um, there has been a monkey crime ring exposed in Bali. 0.90

00:11:20.180 Josh, you're really testing my ability to hold my tongue with some of these headlines.

00:11:26.740 Remember which country you're in, Harry.

00:11:28.540 I don't...

00:11:29.100 Keir Starmer will show up personally at my house if I say anything that I want to.

00:11:34.420 So, okay, I'll hold my tongue.

00:11:35.660 So, long-tailed macaques have taken over, um, this temple here.

00:11:40.660 And are using it as a base to run shakedowns on tourists.

00:11:43.800 So, they steal the possession, then require you to barter its value in bananas, mango, or some other, um, fruit, um, for the object's return.

00:11:52.360 And researchers have found that the monkeys can distinguish between objects that we highly value, like smartphones, prescription glasses, and wallets, and those that we don't, like hats, flip-flops, and hair clips, and will barter accordingly to how we value it, which, um...

00:12:08.640 It's quite clever.

00:12:09.740 It is quite clever.

00:12:10.600 It's very clever, in fact.

00:12:11.620 And this is from the University of Leftbridge, um, a team that spent years filming the monkeys.

00:12:15.660 I wonder how many times they got shaken down, um, while they were filming the monkeys.

00:12:19.520 That's how they learned the bartering system.

00:12:22.360 Yeah, just monkeys bullying a bunch of academics. 0.96

00:12:25.740 A bunch of nerds. 0.99

00:12:27.280 Monkeys at the top of the social hierarchy. 0.95

00:12:29.960 Life finds a way.

00:12:32.040 But what this demonstrates is that these monkeys were able to make clear economic decisions.

00:12:38.060 You know, they have economic decision-making, which is more than can be said for many human beings.

00:12:42.020 They immediately established a bartering system using various means of exchange and exchange currencies.

00:12:50.320 Austrian economics.

00:12:52.360 Economists are, like, high-fiving themselves right now. 0.74

00:12:55.320 Marxists on suicide watch when monkeys invent capitalism.

00:12:59.680 But in the worst and the most exploitative way possible, to be fair.

00:13:03.500 So maybe Marxists vindicated?

00:13:05.740 Perhaps.

00:13:06.360 I'm not doing it again.

00:13:07.360 I'm turning it away.

00:13:08.060 Um, so, from bad to worse, um, another criminal was this.

00:13:15.480 About, uh, this got lots of news reports in Japan.

00:13:18.660 One-armed monkey terrorising Japan.

00:13:21.740 Apparently, um, it was randomly appearing around Tokyo.

00:13:25.400 Vandalised buildings, attacks the locals and tourists, and escapes before getting caught.

00:13:30.260 And apparently, he's been doing it across ten months and across three different prefectures.

00:13:36.760 This is an anime plotline.

00:13:38.720 It genuinely is.

00:13:39.780 This monkey is actually searching for vengeance to find the person that took its arm from him.

00:13:46.440 I hope it'll get a bionic arm and then have its redemption at the end.

00:13:50.740 Obviously.

00:13:51.420 There's the only way that this can go.

00:13:52.680 And then it'll turn out that he's going to have to defeat some demonic god in some form or another.

00:13:56.820 Mm-hmm.

00:13:58.180 And, uh, there is also some more monkey mischief.

00:14:01.380 And the best kind of monkey mischief, that of Indian monkey mischief, um, which is always some of my favourite. 1.00

00:14:07.500 And, uh, this is, is fantastic.

00:14:09.960 Uh, I'm going to read this in its original broken English because it's hilarious.

00:14:14.320 Um, so, it says,

00:14:16.640 Locals in UP's area witnessed an unexpected money reign after a monkey flung currency notes it stole from a man at some office in some place.

00:14:28.080 And the monkey's actions caused the owner, uh, Rohitash Chandra, to lose, uh, 28,000 rupees.

00:14:34.840 So, that's probably about 15 pence.

00:14:36.960 I don't know.

00:14:37.820 Um, I don't know the exchange rate.

00:14:39.320 After people present at the scene scrambled for cash,

00:14:41.840 the primate took cash from inside a bag kept in his motorcycle boot and started tossing it.

00:14:46.640 The bag contained 80,000 rupees, but only 52,000 was recovered.

00:14:53.020 Which is kind of hilarious that the monkey just went on a tree and was just like,

00:14:57.000 There you go, Indians. 1.00

00:14:59.800 Commit theft for me for my own entertainment. 0.98

00:15:03.540 I've actually seen videos of this.

00:15:05.660 This isn't, uh...

00:15:06.400 This was actually a very charitable monkey.

00:15:08.720 It was.

00:15:09.340 The monkey sees the caste system in India and determines that it's a series of, 0.69

00:15:13.460 it's a system of oppression that can't go on.

00:15:16.000 And decided to spread the wealth.

00:15:19.000 Monkeys, of course, not a fan of human hierarchy because they want to be the top.

00:15:23.660 Obviously.

00:15:24.440 We're all equal under the monkey.

00:15:26.740 Mm-hmm.

00:15:27.520 And, uh, there are some violent reprisals.

00:15:30.200 This happened in August of a man died after being attacked by 20 monkeys, uh,

00:15:35.580 apparently, um, he was collecting fodder for his livestock and, uh, he just got jumped by

00:15:42.600 a bunch of monkeys when he was minding his own business.

00:15:45.320 Didn't expect it.

00:15:46.620 And in an unprovoked attack, all of these monkeys, uh, just attacked him for no reason.

00:15:52.040 Presumably for being a human.

00:15:54.740 Yeah.

00:15:55.660 The truth of the matter is monkeys are quite dangerous.

00:15:59.400 They are, yes.

00:16:00.220 The first major monkey news story I ever heard was from my friend in secondary school who 1.00

00:16:06.040 told me that when his dad was younger, he'd gone on a trip to Thailand or somewhere in

00:16:10.340 that area where you naturally find monkeys and decided to take mushrooms while he was

00:16:14.740 climbing up a mountain.

00:16:16.940 Uh-oh.

00:16:17.400 And who then, I don't know how, somehow while on his trip managed to antagonize the local

00:16:23.100 monkeys that were on the mountain path up and ended up getting chased down the mountain

00:16:27.800 by a large gang of angry monkeys.

00:16:30.800 Or at least that's what he thought he saw.

00:16:32.400 So immediately, so my first major monkey lesson, because that's what we're here for at 0.98

00:16:37.380 Monkey News is to impart on you monkey wisdom and monkey lessons for your monkey future.

00:16:43.340 Uh, it was the don't mess with monkeys.

00:16:45.520 Yeah.

00:16:46.100 Man and monkey cannot coexist, some might say.

00:16:49.960 So, here's a very good example.

00:16:53.100 This was from 2018, just to show how dangerous these monkeys are.

00:16:57.300 Um, a man was stoned to death by monkeys, which sounds actually really quite brutal.

00:17:03.560 Um, yeah, Merry Christmas.

00:17:04.640 He was 72 years old as well. 0.94

00:17:06.240 Well, yeah, they're targeting an old man, these horrible monkeys.

00:17:10.320 Um, but yeah, apparently they're throwing stones at him.

00:17:13.240 Um, which is a bit unfortunate.

00:17:16.740 But, uh, I'm going to pivot to something a bit more lighthearted, because I don't want

00:17:19.800 to dwell on Indians getting stoned to death by monkeys.

00:17:23.480 Um, but what I can do is show you this.

00:17:26.780 So, this is in a North Carolina zoo called Zoo-tastic Park, um, which, uh, you know, well done for

00:17:34.100 naming that.

00:17:34.980 I wonder how long that took you.

00:17:36.640 But, uh, this is...

00:17:39.380 Pun.

00:17:39.980 I know.

00:17:40.440 Zoo-tastic. 1.00

00:17:42.120 This is a capuchin monkey.

00:17:44.000 They've been in the news a lot this year.

00:17:45.440 Um, who escaped.

00:17:47.020 Loose, north of Charlotte, in North Carolina.

00:17:48.980 Oh, shish. 1.00

00:17:50.060 No.

00:17:52.120 He didn't immediately start messing with the power lines, did he?

00:17:55.280 No, um, this was not, uh, any point of concern for the monkey.

00:18:00.360 And in fact, the monkey escaped for some days.

00:18:04.560 Uh, until, until you might ask, this happened.

00:18:09.100 Um, they were hit by a car.

00:18:11.940 But it's okay.

00:18:13.220 They were fine, and they were taken back to the zoo.

00:18:15.640 So actually getting hit by the car was sort of a blessing.

00:18:18.340 It was kind of a lesson.

00:18:19.580 It was.

00:18:20.260 As well.

00:18:20.580 This was cosmic justice.

00:18:21.900 It was cosmic monkey justice from the big monkey up in the sky.

00:18:25.860 Don't get beyond your remit.

00:18:27.300 Don't explore the world.

00:18:28.240 Don't get back in your pen.

00:18:29.720 That is the lesson.

00:18:32.960 But, I mean, that is an adorable looking monkey, to be fair.

00:18:35.820 I'm not sure it's the same one.

00:18:37.640 Stock photo.

00:18:38.760 But still, white-faced capuchin monkeys.

00:18:41.060 Cute little guys.

00:18:41.500 They do all look the same anyway, so there is that.

00:18:44.800 And, um, there is an actual positive news story.

00:18:49.280 That, um, scientists were able to, uh, I'll get lost.

00:18:53.140 Uh, excuse me.

00:18:54.940 Right, I was staying up there then.

00:18:56.440 Um, there was an anti-aging breakthrough, and stem cells were able to reverse the signs

00:19:01.220 of aging in monkeys, so it seems like scientists...

00:19:04.740 Great immortal monkeys.

00:19:06.600 So they're going to become...

00:19:07.940 Peter Thiel is watching this with great interest.

00:19:11.060 As is that Brian Johnson, the guy who shares the name with ACDC's vocalist.

00:19:16.360 That guy is actually kind of funny.

00:19:18.160 He's got a sense of humor about him.

00:19:19.780 He does, even if he does, like, track him and his son's boners at night.

00:19:24.600 Now that's some monkey business right there.

00:19:27.780 Some weird father-son bonding experiences there.

00:19:31.660 Bit of friendly competition between father and son.

00:19:34.680 Yeah.

00:19:35.380 That's what the whole thing is about, is so that he can prove to his son that he gets stronger

00:19:40.840 morning glory.

00:19:41.980 Oh, he is funny, though.

00:19:45.960 He is funny.

00:19:46.880 Um, if not a little bit strange.

00:19:49.500 So, apparently, Chinese scientists have genetically engineered stem cells capable of rejuvenating

00:19:53.920 the health, including the cognition, of aged macaques.

00:19:57.720 Um, super stem cells, as they call them, improve the memory of monkeys while protecting against

00:20:01.960 neurodegeneration.

00:20:03.660 The super stem cells prevented age-related bone loss while rejuvenating over 50% of 61 tissues

00:20:09.120 analysed, and treatment with stem cells reduced inflammation and senescent cells, which are

00:20:15.300 cells which accumulate to promote ageing.

00:20:18.360 So, it's pretty comprehensive.

00:20:21.180 So, presumably, this might lead to anti-ageing breakthroughs in human beings as well.

00:20:28.320 Well, because, uh, you know, we are indeed primates, unfortunately.

00:20:33.640 Although, I haven't been throwing rocks at Indian people.

00:20:38.120 Never say never.

00:20:39.060 Not that you could prove.

00:20:40.260 Not that anyone can prove in a court of law.

00:20:42.820 Um, but, uh, speaking of which, um, this isn't really, um, that much in the way of news,

00:20:50.680 but I thought it was funny, and I wanted to include anyway.

00:20:52.820 Um, that in October, a monkey stole a little girl's phone.

00:20:56.480 This isn't serious monkey news, Josh.

00:20:58.360 What are you wasting our time with here?

00:21:00.740 So, some girl was doing a cringe dance, and, uh, and she sort of backs away.

00:21:07.440 I presume she saw a monkey, and she ran away.

00:21:10.360 People think, like, oh my...

00:21:11.620 And then the monkey runs away with the phone, just like, enough of this cringe.

00:21:18.860 Yeah, get a real job, says the monkey.

00:21:22.700 The monkey is the cringe police, and, uh, I think this warms my heart.

00:21:27.180 Monkey's enforcing, you know, no cringe policies on young kids.

00:21:32.360 I don't know whether she got her phone back.

00:21:34.640 I mean, the fact that we've got the video, was this being filmed live?

00:21:37.580 Was it being broadcast?

00:21:38.820 If she was streaming...

00:21:39.400 This could have been published on the monkey's Instagram, who knows?

00:21:41.920 Only makes sense.

00:21:42.940 But if this was being filmed live, if you were watching the live stream,

00:21:46.660 if you wanted, like, three people watching the live stream,

00:21:49.360 can you imagine, like, seeing her, like, the fear?

00:21:52.220 She starts to back away. 0.94

00:21:53.320 Oh my god, what am I about to see?

00:21:55.160 Monkey.

00:21:57.800 Many such cases.

00:21:59.840 So, monkeys don't even have to be real to cause problems.

00:22:03.200 In New Jersey, um, I think people were sending AI videos to the police

00:22:08.400 and telling them that there were wild monkeys on the loose in New Jersey.

00:22:11.620 And, uh, apparently they realised it was a, uh, hoax.

00:22:17.380 That actually people were using AI to fool the police.

00:22:21.160 So this was not a wild goose chase, this was a wild monkey chase.

00:22:24.440 Mm-hmm.

00:22:24.940 Except there were no wild monkeys.

00:22:26.780 They were all made up.

00:22:27.900 Oh my god.

00:22:29.920 Mind-blowing. 0.67

00:22:30.820 Nastardly.

00:22:31.480 Mm-hmm.

00:22:32.220 Now, I think for the most anticipated story, monkey news of the year.

00:22:36.520 And, uh, this is one that I got sent incessantly, by the way.

00:22:40.600 So please stop sending it to me, please.

00:22:42.500 Um, no more sending me this story.

00:22:44.480 But we're gonna see it in full.

00:22:46.220 Um, I'm sure you must have heard about this one, Harry.

00:22:49.200 I'm gonna play this a little bit.

00:22:50.400 And this is a story that sounds like it came out of a movie.

00:22:53.440 Officials in Mississippi...

00:22:54.380 Oh, the 28 Days Later story.

00:22:55.920 ...had to conduct an urgent search for dangerous research monkeys

00:22:58.640 who escaped from a crash wreckage on a highway.

00:23:02.400 Authorities say a truck carrying nearly two dozen rhesus monkeys

00:23:06.060 from Tulane University overturned.

00:23:09.020 Authorities warning they might be aggressive towards people

00:23:11.820 and were potentially affected with hepatitis C, herpes, and COVID.

00:23:18.600 That's not a good cocktail, is it?

00:23:20.880 Watch out for the AIDS monkeys. 1.00

00:23:22.880 AIDS monkeys on the loose. 0.97

00:23:25.180 Do not get bitten by the AIDS monkeys.

00:23:27.200 If you see the AIDS monkeys, do not go and take a photo with the AIDS monkeys. 0.99

00:23:31.560 Might bite you.

00:23:32.820 Also, this phone call's hilarious.

00:23:34.340 21 monkeys that was on this...

00:23:36.420 They may have to neutralize something out here in a minute. 0.99

00:23:41.900 We're gonna have to shoot the AIDS monkeys? 1.00

00:23:46.160 That guy sounds drunk. 1.00

00:23:50.360 He probably thinks he's imagining the whole thing.

00:23:53.460 And one of my favorite things...

00:23:54.980 Sorry for another news report,

00:23:56.340 but I couldn't find the original clip anywhere,

00:23:58.420 was this cop's reaction to this.

00:24:02.100 So they're rhesus monkeys.

00:24:04.360 R-H. 0.55

00:24:05.840 That's how it's spelled.

00:24:06.800 Not a different way.

00:24:08.580 But let's hear what he has to say.

00:24:10.000 Dude, they're everywhere out here.

00:24:11.360 There's freaking like ten of them.

00:24:14.060 Deputies in Mississippi rolled up to a scene

00:24:15.960 they seemingly couldn't believe. 0.55

00:24:18.060 What kind of monkeys are in AIDS, Cornell?

00:24:20.340 They say rhesus.

00:24:21.540 Rhesus?

00:24:22.280 Like the peanut butter cup? 0.99

00:24:23.060 They're racist monkeys. 0.99

00:24:24.140 Oh, he says like the peanut butter cup. 1.00

00:24:28.020 Racist monkeys. 0.99

00:24:28.760 It sounds like racist monkeys. 0.99

00:24:31.400 There are racist monkeys on the loose 1.00

00:24:33.400 and they've got AIDS. 1.00

00:24:34.200 The racist AIDS monkeys will only approach white people 1.00

00:24:37.920 if you are black. 1.00

00:24:39.240 You will not be approached by the racist AIDS monkeys. 1.00

00:24:41.800 And now, 0.99

00:24:44.060 pair for what I can only describe as

00:24:47.960 a scene from a video game.

00:24:49.720 Oh my god.

00:24:51.200 I've played this mission before.

00:24:53.460 It's a lost mission from Doom, I think.

00:24:56.620 Bloody hell.

00:24:58.640 Contain the area.

00:25:01.780 They're everywhere.

00:25:06.200 Coming in through the walls, man.

00:25:08.640 There he goes again.

00:25:10.160 It's the noise as well.

00:25:12.880 Jump scare warning for the audience.

00:25:16.060 It's like,

00:25:17.080 you know those sort of old arcade games

00:25:19.420 that you play

00:25:19.960 where you had to point the gun at the screen?

00:25:21.960 Yeah, this is.

00:25:22.520 And the things would just jump out at you?

00:25:24.660 This is like the secret lost level

00:25:26.180 of House of the Dead 2

00:25:27.720 where the zombie monkeys begin to swarm and attack.

00:25:32.740 I couldn't believe this one.

00:25:34.200 This is proper 28 days later stuff.

00:25:38.140 It really is. 0.97

00:25:38.680 What ever happened to the racist AIDS monkeys? 0.86

00:25:41.540 Oh, we'll be getting to that. 0.97

00:25:42.560 Oh, okay.

00:25:43.400 So,

00:25:44.140 there were 21 that crashed.

00:25:46.440 Eight

00:25:46.660 managed to escape.

00:25:49.600 Five of those

00:25:50.620 were fatally shot on the scene.

00:25:53.460 But three of them

00:25:54.480 escaped.

00:25:55.400 Monkey rights groups

00:25:56.440 are saying that this was an injustice.

00:25:58.020 The ACLU

00:25:58.800 is taking the police

00:25:59.940 to court over this.

00:26:02.280 Yeah,

00:26:02.460 the police practices

00:26:03.280 were barbaric.

00:26:04.280 One monkey was knelt on

00:26:07.900 for nine minutes.

00:26:10.000 To overt.

00:26:12.000 So,

00:26:13.320 one of the three escaped monkeys

00:26:15.480 was

00:26:16.640 shot

00:26:17.740 by a mother.

00:26:20.140 Fox News with breaking news.

00:26:21.880 this morning

00:26:22.600 we're hearing

00:26:23.600 from the Mississippi mother 0.98

00:26:24.600 who shot

00:26:25.240 and killed

00:26:25.860 one of those escaped 0.87

00:26:26.880 lab monkeys.

00:26:27.920 You know,

00:26:28.140 a lot of people are saying,

00:26:29.080 why?

00:26:29.940 Right?

00:26:30.800 She said

00:26:31.600 she did it to protect her kids.

00:26:33.180 This happened Sunday

00:26:34.020 at the home

00:26:34.480 in Heidelberg, Mississippi

00:26:35.780 between Meridian

00:26:37.300 and Hattiesburg

00:26:38.060 and real close to

00:26:38.860 I.

00:26:38.960 Blimey.

00:26:40.180 Listen, 0.99

00:26:40.500 this was a racist AIDS monkey. 1.00

00:26:42.860 If it bit her children 1.00

00:26:43.780 they would be infected 1.00

00:26:44.620 with AIDS and racism.

00:26:46.400 The mums got to protect 1.00

00:26:47.420 their kids,

00:26:48.040 okay?

00:26:49.760 That's just

00:26:50.080 how it goes.

00:26:52.480 And what made me laugh

00:26:53.280 is this did transform

00:26:54.640 into a sort of film

00:26:56.200 because

00:26:56.600 a small town preacher

00:26:58.040 shot one of

00:26:58.900 the last lab monkeys,

00:27:00.080 the second one

00:27:00.800 that was escaped.

00:27:02.160 I wonder if I can

00:27:03.100 find the video.

00:27:05.060 There he is.

00:27:06.600 This guy.

00:27:07.160 Small town preacher.

00:27:08.220 He went out

00:27:09.060 hunting the monkey.

00:27:10.880 I just like the idea

00:27:11.840 that the monkey

00:27:12.540 he's been like

00:27:13.680 hunting him for days.

00:27:14.720 In my head

00:27:15.280 there's an entire movie here.

00:27:17.180 This guy's been like

00:27:18.160 the monkey's attacked

00:27:19.660 one of his family members.

00:27:21.220 He swears revenge.

00:27:23.660 He's out in the woods

00:27:24.460 for days

00:27:25.020 hunting him down.

00:27:26.340 There's a few near misses

00:27:27.500 and eventually

00:27:28.380 one night

00:27:29.600 he almost gets him

00:27:31.320 but he's out of ammo

00:27:32.300 and he puts his hands up

00:27:33.660 and the monkey

00:27:34.500 thinks he's got him.

00:27:35.420 The monkey's about 0.78

00:27:36.100 to go in for the kill 0.74

00:27:37.120 and he flicks his wrist

00:27:38.780 and out of the sleeve

00:27:39.800 of his

00:27:40.160 preacher robes

00:27:42.900 there's a small pistol 0.62

00:27:44.740 and he gets one shot off. 0.99

00:27:47.060 Right in the head. 0.99

00:27:48.100 Yeah, right between the eyes

00:27:49.760 and it's done.

00:27:51.080 And it's a transformative

00:27:52.120 experience, you know.

00:27:53.360 Something like that

00:27:54.100 you go through

00:27:54.600 you don't know

00:27:55.080 if you can come back

00:27:56.100 but revenge

00:27:57.460 is served cold. 0.99

00:28:00.260 The last racist monkey 0.99

00:28:01.540 is off the streets. 0.98

00:28:02.780 Well, actually

00:28:05.460 the last one

00:28:06.160 Someone's got to make that

00:28:07.180 someone's got to make that film.

00:28:08.760 Michael Bay

00:28:09.380 if you're interested

00:28:10.120 in the rights to that film

00:28:11.340 hit me up.

00:28:13.160 So, some good news is

00:28:14.400 that the last AIDS monkey 1.00

00:28:15.680 was captured safely

00:28:17.180 and not shot.

00:28:18.440 I don't know who did that

00:28:19.560 but respect to you.

00:28:21.620 They might have been bitten

00:28:22.920 but at least it has

00:28:25.240 a somewhat happy ending

00:28:26.120 I suppose.

00:28:27.580 So, getting to November

00:28:30.160 this is getting towards

00:28:31.140 the end of our monkey news

00:28:32.600 I found this very amusing

00:28:35.540 and this was a story

00:28:36.800 from the Associated Press

00:28:38.360 you know, known for

00:28:40.060 very important journalism

00:28:41.280 talking about

00:28:42.140 in Japan's Northern Alps

00:28:44.200 residents were battling monkeys

00:28:45.900 to protect their homes

00:28:46.920 and farms

00:28:47.500 and apparently

00:28:48.700 they've now employed

00:28:51.060 people who catch the monkeys

00:28:53.800 and put GPS trackers on them

00:28:55.660 and they're called

00:28:57.660 monkey chasing squads 0.95

00:28:59.040 and they actually heard

00:29:00.320 the macaques

00:29:01.260 away from farms and homes

00:29:02.660 because the monkeys

00:29:04.020 were damaging the crops

00:29:05.160 estimated to be worth

00:29:06.740 billions of yen

00:29:07.640 around the area

00:29:09.520 and apparently

00:29:11.180 this is a direct quote

00:29:12.160 from the article

00:29:12.840 wearing bright orange vests

00:29:15.500 the human ring bells

00:29:16.740 humans

00:29:18.360 even

00:29:18.840 not human

00:29:19.560 sorry

00:29:19.900 I've been spending

00:29:20.440 too much time

00:29:21.680 with the monkeys

00:29:22.160 blow whistles

00:29:23.080 and strike rocks

00:29:23.960 and trees

00:29:24.940 with walking sticks

00:29:25.840 as they weave through

00:29:26.600 the bamboo and brush

00:29:27.560 using GPS trackers

00:29:29.020 they follow the monkeys

00:29:29.780 movements

00:29:30.280 and radio teams

00:29:31.160 to close in

00:29:32.600 when nearby

00:29:33.140 the aim is

00:29:34.740 to herd the animals

00:29:35.440 back into the mountains

00:29:36.320 away from the farms

00:29:37.180 and homes

00:29:37.640 but it sounds like

00:29:38.420 they've got a whole

00:29:38.920 military operation here

00:29:40.380 like tracking the monkeys

00:29:42.040 they're cutting them off

00:29:42.840 ambushing them

00:29:43.560 predator style

00:29:44.320 yeah these monkey squads 0.77

00:29:46.980 are hiding in the woods

00:29:48.420 covered in mud

00:29:49.340 like blending in

00:29:50.400 with the environment

00:29:51.020 invisible high tech monkeys

00:29:53.440 so

00:29:56.820 something a bit more

00:29:59.100 wholesome

00:29:59.680 apparently

00:30:00.580 the first kiss

00:30:03.180 dated back

00:30:03.900 21 million years

00:30:05.120 say scientists

00:30:05.980 and apparently

00:30:06.720 this goes on

00:30:08.300 for quite some time

00:30:09.040 I'm not going to read

00:30:09.520 all of it

00:30:10.020 but

00:30:11.640 they found that

00:30:14.040 kissing is in

00:30:15.360 lots of other primates

00:30:17.600 and they presume

00:30:18.520 that

00:30:19.060 our last common

00:30:20.640 ancestor

00:30:21.760 with other

00:30:22.600 primates

00:30:23.540 may well have kissed

00:30:25.160 and so they're using

00:30:25.860 this to estimate

00:30:26.700 that it is

00:30:28.460 21 million year old

00:30:29.900 behaviour

00:30:30.360 and so it's very

00:30:31.600 ingrained into us

00:30:32.440 according to them

00:30:33.100 but also

00:30:33.620 they are just inferring it

00:30:35.180 based on

00:30:35.740 speculation

00:30:36.620 so this isn't

00:30:38.020 the best finding

00:30:39.280 in the world

00:30:39.800 they're basically

00:30:40.380 saying we looked

00:30:41.080 at some DNA

00:30:41.640 and we thought

00:30:42.740 about some stuff

00:30:43.520 which isn't

00:30:45.340 the most scientific

00:30:46.040 thing in the world

00:30:46.820 to be honest

00:30:47.080 it's what a lot

00:30:47.540 of scientists

00:30:48.120 do though

00:30:49.180 yeah there's

00:30:51.280 it's just an

00:30:52.780 interesting tidbit

00:30:53.640 don't take it too

00:30:54.680 seriously

00:30:55.020 a lot of science

00:30:56.020 is just inference

00:30:57.180 aww 0.78

00:30:58.240 see

00:30:59.380 so there you go

00:31:00.520 heartwarming monkey

00:31:01.840 news to end

00:31:02.620 the year with

00:31:03.900 heartwarming for

00:31:05.760 the monkeys as well

00:31:06.740 because this was

00:31:07.480 announced only a few

00:31:08.300 days before I put

00:31:09.160 this together

00:31:09.700 that the CDC

00:31:11.240 or the Centre for

00:31:12.100 Disease Control

00:31:12.800 is to end all

00:31:14.000 monkey research

00:31:15.040 and so

00:31:16.580 and that study's

00:31:17.340 related to HIV

00:31:18.300 so once and for all

00:31:20.060 the threat of AIDS

00:31:21.020 monkeys can be

00:31:21.960 eliminated 0.99

00:31:22.520 from the United

00:31:23.880 States

00:31:24.400 but don't forget

00:31:25.780 the AIDS monkeys 0.98

00:31:26.500 are still out there

00:31:27.660 in China

00:31:28.880 probably

00:31:29.440 Chinese

00:31:30.500 Africa certainly

00:31:31.420 Chinese and

00:31:32.120 African AIDS monkeys 0.98

00:31:33.200 and so

00:31:36.020 with that said

00:31:37.880 I heard Samson 0.96

00:31:39.760 laugh

00:31:40.020 why did you

00:31:40.500 why did you

00:31:40.940 laugh at that

00:31:41.460 Samson

00:31:41.860 there's nothing

00:31:43.460 funny here

00:31:43.980 oh okay

00:31:44.380 alright

00:31:44.760 but on that

00:31:46.600 nice heartwarming

00:31:47.340 note

00:31:47.640 I hope you

00:31:48.760 have a nice

00:31:49.100 Christmas

00:31:49.460 and watch out 0.82

00:31:50.560 for AIDS monkeys

The Podcast of the Lotus Eaters - January 01, 2026

Monkey News

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript