The Roseanne Barr Podcast - Bit＊h Better Have My Money W⧸ Michael Malice

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00:00:58.720 Greetings, Earthlings!

00:01:00.420 And welcome, Roseanne Archis.

00:01:03.160 Today, I have a premier genius, a friend of mine, one of the only people on Earth who I'm never, ever bored talking to

00:01:11.220 because he asks me all about me.

00:01:14.020 And as you know, all you all know, I love to talk about me.

00:01:18.900 But also, I don't get how smart this guy is.

00:01:21.660 He's over my head.

00:01:23.020 So I'm going to ask him to break it down for myself and my audience.

00:01:27.100 We're not no college-educated motherfuckers.

00:01:29.860 You know, we're just regular people.

00:01:31.420 Welcome to the Roseanne Barr Podcast.

00:01:33.880 Oh, you see, my patience is growing thin.

00:01:40.500 Well, my guest today is, I guess he's famous and everybody knows him,

00:01:46.080 but I just think of him as the guy I met at the mothership there in Austin,

00:01:51.360 who I thought was a delightful person and asked me a lot of questions

00:01:56.220 so I could go off on my stories, which my family's bored of hearing.

00:02:01.100 But anyway, Jake told me, he goes, Mom, you have no idea, Michael Malice is famous.

00:02:07.320 He's like one of the, what did you call him, one of the premier thinkers of our time.

00:02:12.220 I would say that.

00:02:13.300 I mean, don't get a big head.

00:02:14.160 But no, I'm a huge Malice fan.

00:02:15.480 In fact, I didn't know it was you when I met you at the mothership either.

00:02:18.020 I remember I was talking to you for like 10 minutes and I'm like, what's your name?

00:02:20.980 Because I followed you, but I never looked at your face.

00:02:23.200 So he's like, my name's Michael Malice.

00:02:24.940 I said, I know Michael Malice.

00:02:25.980 But I think there's also a difference in telling Roseanne Barr that I'm famous

00:02:29.200 because let's have some perspective.

00:02:30.500 Well, you're the one that told her the first time, to be fair,

00:02:32.660 when we were at your apartment and you had that comic that Harvey Peekar or whatever wrote.

00:02:36.320 Harvey Peekar wrote a whole fucking comic about you.

00:02:39.620 That's when I go, hey, this guy has some freaking large ass.

00:02:43.060 No, he said it. He said I'm famous.

00:02:43.980 After like a year of us being friends.

00:02:46.020 Yeah.

00:02:47.380 Harvey Peekar wrote a whole comic about you.

00:02:50.000 That's right.

00:02:50.380 So I have hanging over my desk, Harvey and you, like my mentor and like mom.

00:02:56.820 Oh, over your desk?

00:02:58.060 Yeah, like looking down on me, like good luck.

00:03:00.160 Yeah.

00:03:00.680 Oh, that is true.

00:03:01.700 Watching over me.

00:03:02.420 Yeah.

00:03:03.060 It's good energy.

00:03:04.340 Man, you've lived a life.

00:03:06.100 Look who's talking.

00:03:07.280 Yeah, I know.

00:03:08.320 Well, that's got to feel good for her to be impressed by you, right?

00:03:11.080 I'm impressed.

00:03:12.020 Yeah.

00:03:12.420 And you're so damn smart.

00:03:13.820 I tried to read some of your shit so I could talk to you about some of your, you know, things you claim.

00:03:22.160 She researched you just yesterday.

00:03:25.640 Your thesis.

00:03:28.240 And I'm like, I can't even understand a word of this shit.

00:03:31.040 That's because the book was upside down on the shelf.

00:03:33.780 So that's why.

00:03:35.500 Are you reading it like Hebrew from right to left?

00:03:38.380 No, I read from left to right.

00:03:39.920 I'm a Jew.

00:03:40.840 You're a Jew too.

00:03:41.920 How do you like them apples?

00:03:43.440 A Jew from the Ukraine.

00:03:44.680 Yeah, you said the, huh?

00:03:49.080 Not the Ukraine, just Ukraine.

00:03:50.780 Well, I don't care, but like it's a big thing.

00:03:53.880 It is a big thing.

00:03:54.760 I'm sorry.

00:03:55.460 No, don't apologize to me.

00:03:56.420 I'm here.

00:03:56.820 I'm not Ukrainian.

00:03:58.900 I thought you said you were born in Ukraine.

00:04:01.020 Yeah, but the Ukrainians were like, if you go to Ukraine as, first of all, an American, right?

00:04:06.260 Right.

00:04:06.840 And there was a-

00:04:07.580 But you wasn't born here.

00:04:08.800 I was born there, but there was a huge amount of anti-Semitism there.

00:04:12.180 So they will always remind you, you're not Ukrainian.

00:04:15.380 You're a Jew?

00:04:16.360 Yes.

00:04:18.420 Is that what it was like?

00:04:19.960 Well, I was two.

00:04:20.780 I don't know.

00:04:21.100 But my parents, yeah.

00:04:21.900 I mean, that's why a lot of Jews got to escape.

00:04:24.300 Because it was bad, even by Russian standards.

00:04:27.180 Yeah, the Russians didn't like the Jews too much.

00:04:29.320 But the Ukrainians had a whole Azov battalion thing.

00:04:32.320 Well, they killed my whole family there.

00:04:34.100 In Lithuania, right?

00:04:35.080 Yeah, in Lithuania.

00:04:36.540 Buried them alive.

00:04:37.700 Is that right?

00:04:38.400 Yeah.

00:04:38.820 They marched them six miles out of their village.

00:04:42.460 They were farmers.

00:04:43.120 They shot them into a-

00:04:45.000 Well, they shot some, and the rest they just buried alive.

00:04:49.540 Aren't they lovely people?

00:04:51.580 Thank God we're supporting them, aren't we?

00:04:53.280 But in their defense, if you're living under Stalin, and you have the Holodomor, anyone

00:04:58.740 who comes in and frees you from that, you're going to look at them as the good guys.

00:05:01.900 I can wrap my head around it.

00:05:03.600 I can wrap my head around it too.

00:05:04.820 Yeah, very easily.

00:05:05.420 I mean, being between Stalin and Hitler, I mean, the Jews were between Stalin.

00:05:10.720 Of course, yeah.

00:05:11.140 They say Stalin killed more Jews than Hitler did.

00:05:13.760 In my last book, The White Pill, which you haven't heard of.

00:05:17.860 No, I did hear of it, but I said, what is the white pill?

00:05:19.980 But continue, and then I'll ask you.

00:05:21.620 There's a Russian historian whose name escapes me at the moment, and he goes, he was reading

00:05:29.840 another book talking about Stalin's atrocities.

00:05:33.320 And he goes, according to this book, Stalin killed more communists than all the fascists,

00:05:40.260 capitalists, socialists combined.

00:05:42.200 And he goes, this can't be right.

00:05:45.000 He goes, I sat down and did math, and he goes, you don't need to be good at math to do the

00:05:49.340 math.

00:05:49.680 And it was true.

00:05:50.980 Like, the number on, and I think this is something why I wrote the book, The White Pill, about

00:05:55.320 the Soviet Union, is this is a relic of World War II that Stalin's the good guy.

00:06:02.180 And it's just like, this is not a good guy.

00:06:05.200 He's a real evil person, and more people need to know about what he did to the Soviet Union

00:06:12.140 for decades.

00:06:13.480 And my friend Curtis, Curtis Yarvin, has the comment.

00:06:16.700 He goes, which genocidal ideology should I be more worried about?

00:06:20.200 The one that lost or the one that won?

00:06:22.260 Yeah, no kidding.

00:06:23.800 Yeah, he went after the Jews, remember?

00:06:27.800 I remember reading about the Night of the Long Knives and the Night of the Murdered Poets.

00:06:32.680 I mean, he went around and basically killed comedians.

00:06:36.140 Well, that Long Knives was Hitler.

00:06:38.900 No, that was Stalin.

00:06:40.100 No?

00:06:40.840 Okay, I have it mixed up.

00:06:42.020 Yeah, yeah.

00:06:42.760 Okay, so it's Night of the Dead Poets.

00:06:47.220 There's a lot.

00:06:47.780 He went after the arts, and he tortured people who defended art.

00:06:51.940 It's all in my book.

00:06:54.320 Americans are very naive.

00:06:55.140 I mean, that was the beginning of real cancel culture.

00:06:58.040 Yeah.

00:06:58.620 You got killed, too.

00:07:00.820 You didn't only get deplatformed or sent to a mental institution by Stalin's regime,

00:07:07.120 but you got murdered.

00:07:08.380 And all your associates.

00:07:09.080 You were saying the wrong thing, especially if it was funny.

00:07:11.860 Yes, and your associates do.

00:07:13.140 Some people think I have a drinking problem.

00:07:15.260 And the truth is, I did.

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00:07:47.680 Look at that.

00:07:52.200 And a Drain the Swamp Chardonnay.

00:07:56.280 That's my personal favorite.

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00:08:03.580 Not only are they bottled right here in America, but it's pretty damn good wine, too.

00:08:08.680 Take my word for it.

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00:08:30.880 and toast the golden age of America.

00:08:34.300 Hey, I just got to get this in business first.

00:08:37.720 You lost the bet, Michael Malice, about the election on Tim Poole.

00:08:41.080 I was trying to delay that.

00:08:42.620 No, let's get it over with.

00:08:43.640 All right.

00:08:44.100 I said there wouldn't be an election.

00:08:45.800 It was $1,000.

00:08:46.620 I bet Michael $1,000.

00:08:48.600 And, you know, I'm a woman of my word.

00:08:51.540 And I'd like to pay you back.

00:08:53.000 Wait, hold on.

00:08:53.420 Before you do that, I want to talk about this at length a little bit.

00:08:57.000 Because it was something that bothered me a lot.

00:08:59.180 I'm sure bothered you a lot.

00:09:00.140 But you're a professional, Barinsky.

00:09:03.800 Like, that was like your shtick.

00:09:05.300 But it bothers me, and I'm sure you, when people stick their nose in

00:09:07.880 when they don't belong.

00:09:09.060 The bet was between me and you.

00:09:10.680 Right?

00:09:11.280 And we both understood what the bet was.

00:09:13.340 You said they're going to cancel the election.

00:09:15.160 I said no.

00:09:16.280 The people were like, well, if it's Kamala Harris, it's not a real election.

00:09:19.920 Or, oh, if Trump gets pushed out of the race, it's not a real election.

00:09:22.820 That wasn't the bet.

00:09:24.160 We both understood what the bet was.

00:09:25.920 Why are people opening their mouths and saying, well, you lost.

00:09:29.120 Well, some people thought I lost the bet.

00:09:31.340 Like, have you paid Roseanne yet?

00:09:32.580 I'm like, what do you think?

00:09:33.780 No, I lost the bet because there was an election and Trump won.

00:09:39.280 Right.

00:09:39.940 So I was wrong.

00:09:41.140 I thought they were going to have a fake election or no election at all.

00:09:45.260 Can you tell us what you actually thought?

00:09:46.720 Because you didn't want to get into it on Tim Pool.

00:09:49.260 Well, I thought that, you know, there would be martial law before because I thought, you

00:09:53.860 know, Democrat terrorism would have taken over every blue city.

00:09:57.560 And so they would have to cancel the election because nobody would be able to vote.

00:10:02.320 It's not a ridiculous hypothesis.

00:10:03.920 The terrorism that the Democrats were going to unleash when they knew, yeah, like they're

00:10:08.540 doing now when they knew they weren't going to win because everything they do is to protect

00:10:12.840 their grift.

00:10:13.720 Right.

00:10:14.420 And you can't blame them.

00:10:16.560 No, I wouldn't want to be caught.

00:10:18.260 Right.

00:10:19.140 Or give up my luxurious lifestyle if it was based on grift and fraud.

00:10:23.380 Right.

00:10:23.760 Who wants to get caught with fraud?

00:10:25.340 Right.

00:10:25.460 But, you know, circling back, as Saki would say, you should not have been doing no fucking

00:10:34.980 fraud anyway.

00:10:36.060 Right.

00:10:36.340 That's true.

00:10:37.040 There's a question for you.

00:10:38.920 But anyways, I told you there wasn't going to be no election because I thought it'd be

00:10:42.300 martial law no election.

00:10:44.100 Well, there was an election.

00:10:45.500 Trump won.

00:10:46.280 Blah, blah, blah.

00:10:47.020 So I owe you a thousand clams.

00:10:48.500 So before we do that, it's even funnier because people remember this.

00:10:51.600 We made this bet on Tim Pool and I turned to Jake.

00:10:54.220 I'm like, does she have the money or is this like a Britney Spears conservatorship?

00:10:58.720 And you're like, yeah, I have it.

00:11:00.400 I have a thousand dollars.

00:11:01.860 I do have a thousand dollars.

00:11:02.840 That's actually my money.

00:11:03.740 I had to get it from Jake.

00:11:06.280 You have to ask nicely.

00:11:07.540 She signs out.

00:11:08.920 Yeah, exactly.

00:11:09.980 Jake's my handler, my CIA handler.

00:11:12.340 I'm doing a great, let's hear it for Jake.

00:11:13.780 I've been doing a great job the last couple of years.

00:11:15.680 He is doing a great job on handling me.

00:11:18.520 He tries to keep me directed on this show too.

00:11:20.900 So I don't go off in a million sputtered directions, but that's how I am.

00:11:26.540 And that's why I love me and why I'm my biggest fan.

00:11:29.820 But let's get down to the money.

00:11:31.520 Yes.

00:11:32.180 Here's your money.

00:11:33.360 You got to count it out.

00:11:35.200 You're counting it out.

00:11:36.320 No, you're counting out.

00:11:37.020 You lost.

00:11:37.680 Here it is.

00:11:38.280 Oh, take your money.

00:11:40.620 She put it in a nice wrapping.

00:11:42.360 It's not used.

00:11:43.060 No, I thought it was.

00:11:44.520 It's a clean adult diaper.

00:11:47.180 A clean overnight.

00:11:49.360 That's a Roseanne Bar adult diaper.

00:11:51.420 It's a presidential diaper.

00:11:53.120 It's presidential.

00:11:54.620 That's what I wear in my bed when I go to sleep because I don't want any slippage.

00:11:59.880 That one's not used.

00:12:00.840 I said it ain't used.

00:12:01.820 It smells like residuals.

00:12:07.060 Count it out.

00:12:08.020 You have to count it.

00:12:09.000 You lost.

00:12:09.700 All right.

00:12:10.060 Give me the money and I'll count it.

00:12:11.620 And he asked me for 50s, but then I said, what about 20s?

00:12:14.720 He said, that'd be way funnier.

00:12:16.320 20s?

00:12:16.640 He really wants to enjoy and savor this moment.

00:12:18.680 I want to make a gif of this.

00:12:20.900 Come on.

00:12:21.820 Get over here.

00:12:23.580 Well, where do you want me to count into your hand or onto my leg?

00:12:27.540 Come over here.

00:12:28.180 All right.

00:12:30.980 20, 40, 60, 80, 1, 20, 40, 60, 80, 2, 20, 40, 60, 80, 3,

00:12:41.620 20, 40, 60, 80, 4, 20, 40, 60, 80, 5, 20, 40, 60, 80, 6, 20, 40, 60, 80, 7, 20, 40, 60, 80, 8, 20, 40, 60, 80,

00:12:55.740 60, 80, 7, 20, 40, 60, 80, 8, 20, 40, 60, 80, 9, 20, 40, 60, 80, 1.

00:13:12.140 We heard it.

00:13:13.420 Yep, there you go.

00:13:14.260 I'm going to take, now that you had your gastric bypass, I could do this.

00:13:17.520 I'm going to take $1,000, $100, and I'm going to put it toward dinner for us.

00:13:21.660 Oh, okay.

00:13:22.500 $100, that's it?

00:13:23.980 No drinks?

00:13:24.680 Oh, you're a sober.

00:13:26.540 Christ, I forgot.

00:13:27.280 You could have some drinks.

00:13:28.280 You're a sober.

00:13:29.160 You could have some drinks.

00:13:30.300 I like to hike that price up at dinner.

00:13:33.020 Okay, you've earned it.

00:13:33.920 With my good wines.

00:13:35.040 You've earned it.

00:13:36.360 Thank you.

00:13:37.800 Thanks for, yeah, baby.

00:13:41.300 You know what's worth more than $1,000?

00:13:43.140 What?

00:13:43.680 Having, being the first man on earth, I hear Roseanne tell you, you were right and I was wrong.

00:13:48.980 It is kind of true.

00:13:50.060 I feel like this is end times.

00:13:51.700 Like Roseanne barred, but she's wrong to a man.

00:13:53.860 Yeah, what's that like?

00:13:54.880 It's like, I feel like the seven seals are breaking, the lamb with the horns.

00:13:59.460 It's going to be bad.

00:14:01.280 Like this money is not going to be worth anything.

00:14:03.460 It could be good.

00:14:04.140 That's true.

00:14:04.720 You know?

00:14:05.520 It's going to be good in the long term, really bad in the short term.

00:14:08.060 Well, it's a good thing that you won this bet because that means-

00:14:12.480 Oh, that's true.

00:14:13.000 We won the election.

00:14:14.040 There was one and Trump is in charge.

00:14:16.600 And I've been enjoying this administration so far.

00:14:20.360 I don't know about you guys.

00:14:20.660 It is kind of exciting.

00:14:21.860 You never know what's going to happen the next day.

00:14:24.220 Oh, it's like Roseanne.

00:14:25.200 It's like how you talk.

00:14:26.960 It's like, what the hell's next?

00:14:28.540 Like, did you see what he did with Denmark?

00:14:31.140 What did he do with Denmark?

00:14:32.420 No, I didn't see it.

00:14:33.160 So he's on the phone.

00:14:34.280 I thought this was a joke.

00:14:36.240 And then it really happened.

00:14:37.220 I'm like, all right, sure.

00:14:37.920 This is what we're doing now.

00:14:39.000 He was on the phone with the prime minister of Denmark.

00:14:41.900 And I'm caricaturing it a little, but not entirely.

00:14:45.760 And he's like, look, sweetheart, we're getting Greenland.

00:14:48.500 And she's like, what are you talking about?

00:14:50.340 It's like, it's not for sale.

00:14:51.580 He goes, okay, look, listen, we're getting it nice.

00:14:54.880 We're going to get it not so nice.

00:14:56.640 What's the price?

00:14:57.320 She goes, Mr. President, you're not getting Greenland.

00:15:00.120 Let's have this conversation.

00:15:01.260 He's like, you're not listening to me, honey.

00:15:03.280 Like, we're the United States.

00:15:04.820 We want it.

00:15:05.460 We need it.

00:15:05.900 It's good for our military, strategic reserves, natural resources.

00:15:09.220 You only got 30,000 people there.

00:15:10.380 You're Denmark.

00:15:11.680 You'd be speaking German if it wasn't for us.

00:15:13.640 And she's like, you're crazy.

00:15:14.840 He goes, okay, maybe I'm crazy, but I still want it.

00:15:17.880 And it was a huge thing.

00:15:19.820 I remember.

00:15:20.240 And when are we getting Greenland?

00:15:22.780 Like, imminently.

00:15:24.620 He's not joking.

00:15:25.760 No, I know he's not.

00:15:26.740 We need Greenland.

00:15:27.600 Yeah, but that's like, holy shit.

00:15:29.380 No, I mean, he puts it in, you know, everyday language where you can't bullshit your way out of it with your college education.

00:15:38.040 But I loved your solution for reparations for African Americans.

00:15:43.560 Tell us a bit about that.

00:15:45.180 I thought it was brilliant.

00:15:46.800 It shows you think outside the box.

00:15:48.480 So I was dicking around on the internet, and I did some reparations, right?

00:15:54.340 The concept of reparations is you have to make the person whole.

00:15:57.800 So if I wreck your $5,000 car, I can't just give you $2,500.

00:16:01.340 I've got to give you $5,000, and maybe if there's some damages with pain and suffering, I've got to compensate you for that.

00:16:06.420 Right.

00:16:06.800 So how can you possibly compensate people for slavery?

00:16:09.840 Like, if you give someone a check.

00:16:11.100 For 400 years of it.

00:16:12.440 Like, here's 100 grand, now it's okay that I owed your grandma?

00:16:16.240 That's not a thing.

00:16:17.040 It's not enough, yeah.

00:16:17.780 So I'm like, look, I did the math.

00:16:20.720 There's 41.5 million African Americans, according to Google, in the United States.

00:16:25.520 There's 40 million Canadians.

00:16:27.400 They've made it clear they don't want to be free.

00:16:29.600 All their voting and words and choices.

00:16:32.280 Voted to be Chinese slaves.

00:16:34.020 Yes.

00:16:34.420 They like being slaves.

00:16:35.300 We invade and enslave Canada.

00:16:38.060 Hashtag Enslave Canada.

00:16:39.460 Yeah.

00:16:39.680 Every African American gets one Canadian, and that's reparations.

00:16:43.600 Your estate was enslaved, and now you have a slave to kind of wipe it clean.

00:16:48.600 Brilliant.

00:16:48.960 And it works out.

00:16:49.560 And the thing is, it has to be African American.

00:16:51.400 So Barack Obama, he's African.

00:16:53.700 You're SOL.

00:16:54.520 Michelle, you know, she could get like, I don't know, like a Trudeau.

00:16:59.100 She should get Trudeau.

00:17:00.620 Yeah.

00:17:01.420 He'd go along with her real good, wouldn't he?

00:17:03.420 I feel like she'd be more of use in the field than him, you know, because of the strength.

00:17:08.140 But that's a whole separate account.

00:17:09.640 What about her?

00:17:11.000 Let's get into her.

00:17:12.180 What's her story?

00:17:13.620 Did you know she was raised in Jesse Jackson's household?

00:17:16.800 Wait, is that true?

00:17:17.480 Yeah.

00:17:18.000 I'm going to look that up.

00:17:18.700 I have heard that he was a big influence on her.

00:17:20.860 Yeah, she was in that push.

00:17:21.420 I don't know if she was in that household.

00:17:23.180 She's all in that, you know.

00:17:25.600 Are there pictures of this?

00:17:26.580 Pretty much royalty in Chicago.

00:17:27.960 I hope that's true because I'd rather deal with a Jesse Jackson just like I got a con artist than someone who's an ideologue.

00:17:35.600 Hey, folks, it's Roseanne here.

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00:18:46.920 Well, he wasn't just a con artist.

00:18:48.700 He's having sex with 14-year-old girls in Push, too.

00:18:51.780 But the point is...

00:18:52.420 But he never got Me Too-ed unbelievably.

00:18:54.700 Yeah, he did.

00:18:55.560 He did?

00:18:56.200 He had a mistress.

00:18:57.200 Well, he did have a baby with somebody.

00:18:58.460 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:18:59.860 But I don't think he had to pay anything, did he?

00:19:02.200 It looks like she was best friends with his daughter.

00:19:04.520 Oh, wow.

00:19:04.880 Yeah, and she lived in their house.

00:19:06.080 So she was over a lot like a friend would be.

00:19:07.840 Oh, wow.

00:19:08.320 That's so interesting.

00:19:09.500 Yeah, I didn't know that.

00:19:10.140 Well, what about the hairdo she sported the other day with them to bird nests, or was it

00:19:15.760 three bird nests things?

00:19:17.200 Hold on.

00:19:17.300 Jake, you've got to put this on screen when we edit this.

00:19:19.580 Yeah, you do.

00:19:20.160 I sent it to you.

00:19:20.880 Barack Obama has been tweeting out photos of Michelle, and she looked horrible.

00:19:25.240 Yeah.

00:19:25.400 And I'm like, there's no way this isn't passive aggression, because anyone who's ever been

00:19:28.820 in a relationship, you put an ugly picture of your-

00:19:31.020 Of your wife?

00:19:31.760 Yeah.

00:19:32.060 Like, you're not going to see the light of day.

00:19:34.260 And to do it twice, I'm like, mm-mm, something's not right here.

00:19:38.140 My friend, Megan McCain, she announced that there's rumors that they're getting divorced.

00:19:42.040 Yeah, no, it's all over the place.

00:19:43.580 And I'm with you.

00:19:44.240 I saw the pictures he's posted of her, and I think that's more telling of a divorce.

00:19:48.340 I've never seen a bad picture of her before.

00:19:50.420 Uh-uh.

00:19:50.840 No, they've carefully scrubbed shit.

00:19:52.020 Yeah, she really is, like, polished, you know-

00:19:53.680 She had a whole airplane full of makeup people that went everywhere she went.

00:19:56.340 Yeah, yeah.

00:19:56.360 It's like, and now she's looking like, like, fucking Pirates of the Caribbean or something.

00:20:00.900 Yeah, she does look like Pirates of the Caribbean.

00:20:02.880 It's bad.

00:20:03.140 And you see her new podcast?

00:20:05.800 I did.

00:20:06.340 No one saw it.

00:20:06.520 When it was her brother, her and her brother, and it's like, hey, you always thought I was

00:20:10.860 Michelle.

00:20:11.840 All those pictures, they put hair on me so I'd look like Michelle.

00:20:15.120 Did you know this?

00:20:15.640 This is just so I can show.

00:20:17.800 I'm not Michelle.

00:20:18.900 She really has a brother.

00:20:19.980 So those pictures you saw, that wasn't Michelle.

00:20:22.800 That was me with a wig.

00:20:24.420 And he's so gay that it's unbelievable.

00:20:27.740 Or it was like a Three's Company thing where she'd take the wig on or off, switch cameras.

00:20:33.340 Remember Three's Company?

00:20:34.200 No.

00:20:34.540 I think she's a woman.

00:20:35.860 I don't think she's a man.

00:20:37.120 She's a woman.

00:20:37.960 But he's openly, like, you saw on those letters where he talked about being obsessed with men.

00:20:43.180 Yeah.

00:20:43.460 Yeah.

00:20:44.000 And that's kind of swept under the rug.

00:20:46.140 It's very odd.

00:20:46.640 He probably didn't even feel that way until he got with Michelle.

00:20:49.980 That's what happens to a lot of husbands.

00:20:52.920 My girlfriend's husband turned gay after 19 years with her.

00:20:56.220 Yeah.

00:20:56.440 And I said, see?

00:20:57.860 I don't blame him because you're horrible.

00:21:01.720 Well, you remember President, not President, when he was Donald Trump, he tweeted that about

00:21:05.680 Arianna Huffington.

00:21:07.520 What did he say?

00:21:08.140 He said, I can see why Arianna Huffington left her for a man.

00:21:12.140 He made a smart choice.

00:21:13.280 Oh, yeah.

00:21:15.960 Yeah.

00:21:16.360 She knew the guy was gay when she married him.

00:21:19.180 That happens a lot.

00:21:19.520 You know, I helped her start that Huffington poll.

00:21:21.580 Did you?

00:21:22.200 Yeah.

00:21:22.820 Oh, well.

00:21:23.280 Let's not go into those stories.

00:21:24.640 You're the one who brought it up.

00:21:26.900 I just like to give an aside here and there.

00:21:29.480 What's the white pill?

00:21:31.220 The concept of the book.

00:21:33.300 Yeah.

00:21:34.120 Oh, both.

00:21:35.260 The concept, and I don't understand why this, you're acting like this is complicated.

00:21:40.900 Yeah, I don't even get what you're saying.

00:21:42.600 In one word, it's hope.

00:21:44.640 And broadly spelled out, it's possible we'll lose.

00:21:49.020 You got that?

00:21:49.840 Mm-hmm.

00:21:50.560 It's possible we may lose.

00:21:52.520 Right.

00:21:53.440 It's impossible that we must lose.

00:21:57.840 So people tell you.

00:21:59.460 It's impossible that we must lose.

00:22:02.800 That's a part I don't get.

00:22:04.260 Because a lot of people are saying it's a wrap, you can't win, there's no one home.

00:22:09.620 That's not possible.

00:22:11.060 Right.

00:22:11.360 Even as darkest things can ever get, the idea that it's over, and people are saying it's

00:22:17.060 a lot less since the election, even if she had won, it still wouldn't be a wrap in America.

00:22:21.880 This is America.

00:22:22.800 Right.

00:22:23.460 So is white pill optimistic and black pill pessimistic?

00:22:25.520 White pill is hope, not optimism.

00:22:27.720 Okay.

00:22:28.040 Because you could be hopeful and pessimistic.

00:22:29.800 Yeah.

00:22:29.980 Yeah, that's how I am.

00:22:30.340 I'm hopeful this marriage will work out, but I'm not optimistic it will.

00:22:33.280 Right.

00:22:33.480 Right.

00:22:33.980 Right.

00:22:34.180 Right.

00:22:35.840 Okay.

00:22:36.120 Okay, that's the white pill.

00:22:37.420 Yeah.

00:22:37.820 And what's the book about?

00:22:39.160 It's about the rise and fall of the Soviet Union, which is like the most, and the thing

00:22:44.620 is, as you know, you're older than me, this was the only foreign policy issue for decades,

00:22:50.960 and now people don't talk about it.

00:22:52.260 Yeah.

00:22:52.640 And this was, it was a peaceful victory, and half the world was liberated from tyranny,

00:22:57.160 and it's kind of like a joke now.

00:22:59.140 And it's like, what these people went through, it was not funny.

00:23:02.460 No.

00:23:03.960 To overthrow the USSR?

00:23:06.640 Yeah.

00:23:07.200 Yeah, I know.

00:23:08.800 No, I mean, I'm 47.

00:23:10.880 I'll be 47 in June.

00:23:11.800 Like, we were taught that year after year.

00:23:15.140 It was very important in school.

00:23:17.020 I don't think they're teaching kids that at all.

00:23:18.280 I don't think they are.

00:23:19.300 Which is really weird.

00:23:20.240 When I was writing the book, I was like...

00:23:22.580 What about detente?

00:23:24.180 What about detente?

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00:23:41.860 You could go to jail just for saving your own damn life.

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00:24:37.580 It seems like they joined up, because a lot of Stalinists came over here.

00:24:42.260 Sure, but detente was like the Nixon for harder years.

00:24:48.300 What is detente? I don't know.

00:24:49.240 Detente is this idea that, look, you've got a lot of nukes pointing at us.

00:24:53.820 We've got a lot of nukes pointing at you.

00:24:55.640 It's a stalemate.

00:24:57.640 This is just how it's going to be.

00:24:59.440 This is why you have Chekhov on Star Trek, because the Soviet Union is not going anywhere.

00:25:04.340 It's going to be around forever.

00:25:05.560 And do you know what Reagan said before he became president?

00:25:07.820 You want to hear my strategy for the Soviet Union?

00:25:10.120 It might be simple, and some may even say a little simplistic.

00:25:12.920 Here it is.

00:25:13.760 We win, they lose.

00:25:15.960 And he and Thatcher, who I know you're not a big fan of, but I have her bookcases in my house.

00:25:20.320 No, I'm not a fan.

00:25:23.840 I just said she protected so many pedophiles in her government that it's disgusting.

00:25:29.580 Well, that's pretty bad.

00:25:31.140 Yeah.

00:25:32.020 But they were just like, this is not, this cannot last, and we're going to do something about it.

00:25:37.280 And they did.

00:25:38.620 And the fact that it had this peaceful landing is a miracle.

00:25:41.640 Yeah.

00:25:42.020 And it's really kind of sick.

00:25:43.360 And this, I think, ties into your old kind of lefty hippie upbringing, is the glorification of war in this country is so gross.

00:25:52.300 Yeah.

00:25:52.600 And the huge sacrifices in World War II and World War I, okay, shouldn't be forgotten, no one's saying that.

00:25:57.220 But isn't it better when a Cold War is won peacefully?

00:26:01.360 Yeah.

00:26:01.460 Isn't that like, should there be more statues?

00:26:03.500 Should there be more celebration that, you know, it wasn't all great for certainly the Russians, but it's certainly preferable to like the butchery of the World Wars.

00:26:12.480 Or God forbid, nuclear war.

00:26:14.700 You know, without, you know, you want to hear a cool story that was in the book that I learned?

00:26:17.660 Yeah.

00:26:18.480 So, Reagan and Gorbachev, you know, both, Gorbachev came into, I think, 86 or 85.

00:26:23.920 Reagan in 81 became president.

00:26:25.460 And they took Reagan through a simulation about, here's what you're going to do if the Soviet Union nukes us.

00:26:33.440 And he sat there, he goes, so, like, I do this, like, I'm killing, like, tens of millions of people.

00:26:37.980 They're like, yeah.

00:26:38.440 He's like, huh.

00:26:39.280 And his answer, like, he's not going to, they're like, he's not going to push the button.

00:26:42.080 And Gorbachev, later, they went down to the button, the simulation, and they showed him through it.

00:26:50.220 He goes, I'm not pushing this button even in a simulation.

00:26:53.640 He goes, if they're nuking us, we're not retaliating.

00:26:56.980 Neither of them knew the other had this position.

00:26:59.420 And they both had to act like tough asses that, like, if she hits the fan, we're going to nuke you.

00:27:04.280 But both of them are committed.

00:27:05.560 I'm not going to have the blood of tens of billions of innocent people on my hands.

00:27:09.020 I'm just not doing it.

00:27:09.800 Isn't that great?

00:27:10.480 So their advisors wouldn't back channel that?

00:27:13.780 They had no idea?

00:27:15.080 Well, Gorbachev said it explicitly.

00:27:16.660 Reagan didn't say it, but it was pretty clear to those around.

00:27:18.900 Because that's why when he was in the office, he goes, this is, this is, Trump's doing this also.

00:27:22.840 And we said very recently with China and Russia, he goes, this is crazy.

00:27:25.980 We could kill everyone on Earth 100 times over.

00:27:27.860 Let's get it down to 10.

00:27:29.240 Like, what are we talking about?

00:27:31.260 And, you know, they were trying to push, when Reagan was doing Star Wars, which one of his advisors later wrote a book,

00:27:39.720 it was this idea that we're going to have lasers in space that are going to shoot nuclear weapons.

00:27:44.500 And the advisor's like, the only two people on Earth who thought this would work were Reagan and Gorbachev.

00:27:48.300 And Gorbachev's like, if you do this, we're going to be fully vulnerable, right?

00:27:53.600 Because if your lasers are knocking out ours, and we don't have a response, then you can nuke us with impunity.

00:27:59.700 And his advisors are Russians.

00:28:00.960 They're very smart.

00:28:01.660 He goes, here's what we do.

00:28:03.060 We can make, like, tens of thousands of dummy missiles.

00:28:06.640 So the lasers can only knock out a bunch of the dummies.

00:28:09.760 They're not going to know which are the real ones.

00:28:11.440 And he's like, okay, this is the wrong trajectory.

00:28:14.260 Like, this is not where we need to go.

00:28:16.760 You know, so they sat down in Reykjavik in, I think it was 86, and had this big meeting about denuclearization.

00:28:22.160 And it was kind of funny, because Thatcher was the one.

00:28:24.700 She's like, Reagan's lost his mom.

00:28:26.620 She's like, you can't denuclearize.

00:28:27.920 You can't uninvent something.

00:28:29.440 You can't denuclearize the world.

00:28:31.560 And she had this great moment.

00:28:32.800 She goes, how do you know Gorbachev's not going to cheat?

00:28:35.100 I would cheat.

00:28:36.160 So it's just really kind of funny, this idealism versus realism between the three of them.

00:28:41.180 And it's one of the great stories of the 80s.

00:28:42.800 With the world on the line.

00:28:43.860 Well, also, it was Trump was talking to everybody about denuclearization.

00:28:49.820 And then, you know, we got the fake president.

00:28:53.100 Right.

00:28:53.800 You know, because they wanted to definitely stop that.

00:28:56.460 They're the war party.

00:28:57.580 It's also kind of funny how every president, and Hillary said this to the Secretary of State,

00:29:02.380 when they talk about, like, all these other countries, they're like, every option's on the line.

00:29:06.660 You're saying we'll nuke you if we feel like it.

00:29:08.740 Yeah.

00:29:08.900 So why are you surprised North Korea wants nukes to defend themselves?

00:29:11.980 Ukraine gave up their nukes.

00:29:13.140 Look what's happening to them.

00:29:14.200 So, of course, this is going to lead to nuclear escalation.

00:29:16.760 If I was Iran, I'd want to nuke.

00:29:18.500 Wouldn't you?

00:29:18.880 Yeah, absolutely.

00:29:19.700 Of course.

00:29:20.320 Like, are you kidding me?

00:29:21.320 You're killing my top general and, like, laughing about it?

00:29:24.460 I fucking want to defend myself.

00:29:26.360 Well, you shouldn't go around saying, you know, Jews have to die.

00:29:30.320 Then maybe you wouldn't get a nuke.

00:29:32.300 Sure, yeah.

00:29:32.940 I mean, you know, cause and effect.

00:29:34.280 Sure, sure.

00:29:35.460 Why don't they ever think of that?

00:29:37.620 Well, I don't know.

00:29:39.160 You'd have to ask the Iranians.

00:29:40.680 But the Iranian people think like that.

00:29:43.280 They're not for the mullahs.

00:29:45.680 No.

00:29:46.220 Overall.

00:29:46.620 But that's the other question.

00:29:48.280 I've always wondered, cause this is part of the big, like, Cold War propaganda.

00:29:51.980 The Russians want to be free and they hate the communists.

00:29:54.980 But then the Soviet Union falls and a lot of them were happy voting for the commies.

00:29:58.320 Absolutely.

00:29:59.000 And we saw this during, like, everyone in this room.

00:30:01.260 Because they're all working, they're getting paid to work for the government.

00:30:03.980 Right.

00:30:04.420 Just like here.

00:30:05.420 I think all three of us were probably surprised by how docile the American people were during COVID.

00:30:12.800 I was, I'm still shocked.

00:30:14.040 Right.

00:30:14.280 If it was 2019, we all sat down and we'd go, would they be able to pull this over?

00:30:17.300 Like, hell no.

00:30:18.240 No.

00:30:18.440 There's a lot of people with guns.

00:30:19.420 You'd be like, fuck you.

00:30:20.280 You're not doing this.

00:30:21.080 And they bent the knee.

00:30:22.480 In a, in a, like, an hour.

00:30:23.360 And this is America.

00:30:24.100 Because they got the Democrats to do it instead of the Republicans.

00:30:27.080 If they had gotten the Republicans to do it.

00:30:29.280 It happened under Trump.

00:30:30.160 It started under Trump.

00:30:31.380 I know.

00:30:31.940 But he didn't do the lockdown and he didn't do the.

00:30:34.040 He did the quarantine.

00:30:34.760 He did the lockdown.

00:30:35.380 Well, it's, he was, he called it a hoax and that's how they got him.

00:30:38.880 Because they're like, no, people are really dying.

00:30:40.220 So then he had to acquiesce.

00:30:41.800 But the first, the lockdowns were under Trump.

00:30:43.220 He didn't even call it a hoax.

00:30:44.260 He said, use the word hoax.

00:30:45.420 Democrat hoax, I thought.

00:30:46.360 Yeah.

00:30:46.640 He said, yeah.

00:30:47.600 He didn't call it a hoax.

00:30:48.860 They, like, took that out of context.

00:30:49.920 Yeah.

00:30:50.060 No, he just said it's the latest Democrat hoax.

00:30:51.780 Like, they're blowing this out of.

00:30:53.140 And they did.

00:30:53.760 He was right.

00:30:54.500 They totally blew it out of context.

00:30:55.620 So, but he, just to be clear for the audience.

00:30:57.320 Yeah.

00:30:57.660 He didn't say, it's a hoax.

00:30:59.260 This is bullshit.

00:30:59.880 He said, it's a hoax, the reaction.

00:31:02.080 Yeah.

00:31:02.300 And he was right.

00:31:03.060 Okay.

00:31:03.300 But he didn't say mandatory vaccines.

00:31:06.100 Correct.

00:31:06.420 He didn't.

00:31:07.160 But Biden did.

00:31:08.500 Yes.

00:31:09.020 So, they, if they would have made Trump say that, nobody would have got a vaccine.

00:31:14.040 Right.

00:31:14.220 Because my own daughter was like, I won't get a Trump vaccine.

00:31:17.560 But as soon as, yeah, she said it.

00:31:19.700 But as soon as they made the Democrats say it, my daughter ran to get one.

00:31:23.820 Does she regret it?

00:31:25.320 Well, of course, they never say they made a mistake.

00:31:27.680 I know people who say that.

00:31:29.260 I do too.

00:31:29.980 Not in our family.

00:31:30.320 But not my family.

00:31:31.600 Your family, people don't admit they're wrong?

00:31:34.100 No.

00:31:34.720 Where did they get it from?

00:31:35.420 I don't know.

00:31:37.040 It's some, like, Jew from Utah thing.

00:31:39.600 Now, my sister vaccinated her five, six-year-old daughter.

00:31:42.740 I don't understand that.

00:31:43.520 I don't either.

00:31:44.600 And she told my mom that I'm going to, because we weren't doing it, you're not taking this

00:31:48.540 seriously enough.

00:31:49.180 It's just going to be me that has to take care of everyone after you guys die.

00:31:52.520 And we're like, we're not going to die.

00:31:54.880 First of all, we're not 90.

00:31:56.580 Here's the other thing.

00:31:57.680 Like, if they're, let's.

00:31:59.620 They all got sick, too.

00:32:00.880 Yeah.

00:32:01.100 Let's look at the argument from their point of view.

00:32:03.320 Yeah.

00:32:03.540 Their point of view, and I still can't wrap my head around this, is you're going to give

00:32:07.820 this child a shot, which kids, we know how much kids love shots, every six months in

00:32:13.460 perpetuity for disease they can't get?

00:32:15.080 This is your argument?

00:32:15.780 I don't understand it.

00:32:16.860 Yeah.

00:32:17.040 No, I never understood it either.

00:32:18.840 Well, we weren't allowed to question it.

00:32:20.600 That's why.

00:32:21.380 But I mean, within your family, I don't understand her logic.

00:32:24.160 Because they didn't see it on CNN or Rachel Maddow.

00:32:27.720 Sure, sure.

00:32:27.920 Because they're all farmed to those two venues.

00:32:30.180 But everybody knew it wasn't a danger to kids.

00:32:33.220 We all, like, they were, even Fauci was talking, like, they were honest about it.

00:32:36.900 It doesn't really affect kids.

00:32:38.220 It doesn't matter.

00:32:39.220 It had something to do with Obama, and they're not racist.

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00:34:07.000 Yeah, sure.

00:34:07.520 No, I think it was like they wanted that.

00:34:09.960 Remember, I got vaccinated thing on their Facebook profile.

00:34:12.020 I think it just, it was more virtue signaling, but I would never inject anything into my

00:34:16.100 kid with virtue signal.

00:34:17.340 Are you fucking kidding?

00:34:18.320 Especially experimental?

00:34:19.380 But especially for something she can't get.

00:34:21.040 No.

00:34:21.700 That's the thing.

00:34:22.660 Well, because it's a gene therapy, so anytime they want to activate it, you'll get sick.

00:34:27.920 The whole family got sick.

00:34:29.580 My youngest sister died from it.

00:34:32.020 And they're still like, you know, it was her time to go.

00:34:35.040 Time to say allegedly for you, too.

00:34:36.660 Allegedly.

00:34:37.540 Yeah.

00:34:38.620 Oh, that must have been horrible.

00:34:40.000 Awful.

00:34:40.240 It was horrible.

00:34:40.880 Have you talked about it before?

00:34:42.280 I'm not allowed to because I have a, I'm a tinfoil hat type of conspiracy theorist.

00:34:47.420 What do you mean you're not allowed to?

00:34:49.040 With my family, they won't hear it.

00:34:50.660 But your family's not here except for Jake.

00:34:52.160 You want to talk about it now?

00:34:54.720 Well, I think there are many families in America that that happened to.

00:34:57.780 Of course there are.

00:34:58.820 You know, they became very ill and they faded away.

00:35:02.780 She weighed less than 80 pounds.

00:35:04.520 Oh, my God.

00:35:05.480 So, you know, it happened in a lot of families.

00:35:07.980 Was it quick?

00:35:08.680 Was it slow?

00:35:09.360 It was slow.

00:35:10.460 About a year.

00:35:11.760 What was that?

00:35:12.440 Can you talk about that?

00:35:13.480 I mean, this is, we don't talk about it.

00:35:15.380 Her own kids think, you know, it was something else.

00:35:18.500 So.

00:35:18.640 She was in a lot of pain and she, she accelerated.

00:35:21.760 Don't even, so.

00:35:23.060 Okay.

00:35:23.880 She already had anorexia really bad in her life.

00:35:26.800 Oh, Jesus.

00:35:27.160 And she told me before she died, it was a vax.

00:35:30.180 You were right.

00:35:31.840 And so I told everyone that and they're like, no, she didn't say that.

00:35:35.180 Hey.

00:35:36.000 I'm like, is there nothing in your history as Jews that is bothered by a government mandating,

00:35:43.140 like, you to take a gas into your body?

00:35:47.320 Is there nothing in your collective memory that, that bothers you at all?

00:35:51.880 Okay.

00:35:52.180 I'm sorry.

00:35:52.900 Like maybe this is, I used to coauthor book with celebrities, right?

00:35:56.460 And a lot of times they'll tell a story and there'd be like a moment like, whoa, whoa,

00:35:59.440 whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:35:59.880 Like you're skipping over something really important.

00:36:02.880 I would love to hear what's going through your head because there's positive of you were

00:36:09.820 right, but then you wish you were wrong.

00:36:12.240 I mean, no one wants to be right in that circumstance.

00:36:13.740 Yeah, you don't want to be right.

00:36:14.920 So like, what would that feel like for you?

00:36:18.480 It's the conundrum that everything is in this bullshit fucking world.

00:36:23.560 You know.

00:36:24.460 I'm not trying to make you cry.

00:36:25.440 I'm sorry.

00:36:26.040 I'm not crying.

00:36:26.780 Okay.

00:36:27.080 Well, let's turn it up then.

00:36:27.900 It's all a bullshit fucking world.

00:36:29.740 It's good for the people.

00:36:30.040 And people are addicted to bullshit and they love their bullshit more than they love reality

00:36:35.180 or their children.

00:36:36.540 That's the conclusion I've come to.

00:36:37.840 But how did you react when she said that?

00:36:39.520 I just felt sorry for her.

00:36:45.520 I felt so sorry for her.

00:36:47.580 So awful.

00:36:49.040 Yeah.

00:36:49.780 And I thought about all my friends who had a similar story with someone in their family

00:36:54.260 over that COVID horseshit.

00:36:57.300 The rich got richer.

00:36:59.300 It was a huge transfer of wealth during that time.

00:37:01.500 Yeah.

00:37:02.000 Carol Roth wrote a great book about that called The Warren Swole Business.

00:37:04.760 Was there a part of you, I don't know how to ask this.

00:37:08.440 It was a PSYOP.

00:37:09.560 All the way a fucking Chinese PSYOP in America.

00:37:13.240 And then they followed that up with, what is that drug they're bringing over here?

00:37:17.700 I always say Fioranol.

00:37:19.100 Fentanyl.

00:37:19.340 Fentanyl.

00:37:19.940 They followed it up.

00:37:20.880 They just don't want us to be here.

00:37:22.380 They hate us and they want us gone.

00:37:24.780 I want to hear more about you because is there, what's that like?

00:37:29.120 Well, this ain't your show, bitch.

00:37:31.480 I want to hear about you.

00:37:32.880 Well, maybe you should ask me some questions, Roseanne.

00:37:35.140 Well, I'd like to.

00:37:36.300 Can I ask one more question?

00:37:37.640 Yes.

00:37:40.160 It's kind of like how it's so hard for a parent to bury a kid because that's just not what's

00:37:43.300 supposed to happen, right?

00:37:44.800 So she's younger than you, right?

00:37:47.120 Yeah, she was my baby.

00:37:48.760 She was like, I was 11 when she was born.

00:37:51.640 My mom gave her to me.

00:37:53.140 So while this, is there like a part of your brain that's like, this isn't right, this

00:37:56.660 should be me?

00:37:57.960 You know what I mean?

00:37:58.580 I'm not saying those words, but you know what I mean?

00:37:59.960 No.

00:38:01.060 Because I'm not stupid.

00:38:02.140 But I mean like it's sense of injustice.

00:38:04.660 No, it's stupidity that you would be so stupid.

00:38:08.080 This is terrible to say about your sacred dead.

00:38:11.640 But if you wasn't so damn stupid and you would have listened to reason and fact rather than

00:38:17.140 emotion of, you know, the Democrats shovel bullshit on you every day.

00:38:22.960 If you would have just listened to fact and reason, it wouldn't have happened.

00:38:26.780 And the mind control is what pisses me off.

00:38:30.660 The fucking Nazi mind control of the Democrat Party.

00:38:33.920 And boy, they're moving into full Nazism now.

00:38:37.560 I mean, I knew they were in 2012.

00:38:40.020 I knew that the Green Party was a Nazi party and that its goal, as I ran for president, I

00:38:47.620 realized they were going to invade the Democrats next, which they did.

00:38:53.460 And, you know, because that shit really works with leftists.

00:38:58.680 That anti-Semitism really works with leftists.

00:39:02.320 And, you know, I was appalled and tried to be a voice against it.

00:39:06.960 And now I see, well, they destroyed the Democrat Party and the entire left with their anti-Semitic

00:39:12.520 bullshit, which is a tool of power to divide people and fuck their minds up.

00:39:21.060 And now I'm seeing it happen on the right.

00:39:22.820 It's all going anti-Semite of these influencers or podcasters that are falling back on medieval

00:39:31.500 tropes.

00:39:32.860 I mean, it's just, well, I guess they want that gone, too.

00:39:35.980 So there won't be any party that's really MAGA.

00:39:40.340 It'll just be a closed isolationist Nazi party.

00:39:45.340 But here's the thing.

00:39:49.320 This Naziism has never taken root in America.

00:39:53.700 Well, that's why I was happy about them electing Trump, because I felt...

00:39:57.260 I'm sorry, I thought I could talk to you.

00:39:58.140 Shut up.

00:39:58.740 You can talk in a minute.

00:39:59.640 Shut up.

00:39:59.740 It's her show.

00:40:00.560 But I felt like the election was America rejecting anti-Semitism of the left by voting for Trump.

00:40:07.380 I did.

00:40:08.460 So now you can talk.

00:40:09.880 Thanks, Mom.

00:40:11.020 You're welcome, dear.

00:40:11.800 Even in the 30s and 40s, when it would have been acceptable, it was never a thing.

00:40:17.280 The Klan used to be pro-Jewish, the guy who found the Klan.

00:40:21.360 They were?

00:40:21.640 Yes.

00:40:21.840 I didn't know that.

00:40:22.460 Thomas Dixon, who wrote The Klansman, which was the novel which inspired Birth of a Nation,

00:40:27.020 they were Philo-Semites originally.

00:40:29.340 One of the biggest figures in...

00:40:30.880 What is Philo-Semite?

00:40:32.300 It's absolutely anti-Semite.

00:40:33.480 Love.

00:40:33.760 Philo.

00:40:34.740 Philio.

00:40:35.080 Oh, love it.

00:40:35.900 Jesus.

00:40:37.000 Judah Benjamin was like number three in the Confederacy.

00:40:39.760 This was not a thing.

00:40:40.360 Oh, I knew that.

00:40:41.040 I didn't know this.

00:40:42.380 You know the story about...

00:40:42.940 I didn't tell...

00:40:43.380 I told you the Judah Benjamin story, didn't I?

00:40:45.020 No.

00:40:45.200 How he escaped the...

00:40:46.400 I told this story to Jared Taylor when I was researching my book, and you're right.

00:40:49.820 So Judah Benjamin was like number two or number three in the Confederacy.

00:40:52.860 He had different jobs.

00:40:54.860 The Confederacy's falling apart.

00:40:56.520 He's got to get out of Dodge because they don't know if they're going to hang them.

00:40:59.360 You know?

00:40:59.800 They might want some kind of evictor's justice.

00:41:02.400 So he makes his way to the Florida Keys because if he goes from there, he goes to Cuba.

00:41:05.720 He can go to England.

00:41:06.700 He gets on a ship.

00:41:09.780 The Union boys are on his tail, and he dirty himself up and pretends he's a cook.

00:41:14.400 And they inspect it.

00:41:15.360 They don't see anything.

00:41:16.420 They're not looking for him specifically.

00:41:17.660 Just, you know.

00:41:18.360 And he hears one of them go to the other.

00:41:20.320 I've never seen a Jew do manual labor before.

00:41:23.560 And he got to Cuba and ended his days in England as a prominent attorney.

00:41:28.800 That's the most Jewish story I've ever heard.

00:41:30.000 Isn't that amazing?

00:41:30.820 And Jared Taylor's like, oh, come on.

00:41:32.280 And it's on his Wikipedia.

00:41:33.260 This is real.

00:41:33.720 I didn't know they were tied with the Confederacy.

00:41:35.300 This is news to me.

00:41:36.460 Well, a lot of them were, you know, plantation owners.

00:41:40.120 Sure.

00:41:40.620 Yeah.

00:41:40.880 I mean, it makes sense.

00:41:41.800 But it's not just the – it's also in the North.

00:41:43.840 Like, Jew hatred was never a thing in America.

00:41:46.820 It's not a thing.

00:41:47.220 No, I just assumed abolitionists were a Jew.

00:41:48.540 Really?

00:41:49.040 Yes.

00:41:49.320 You don't think it's growing here?

00:41:52.100 It's manifesting.

00:41:53.720 There's anything saying something is growing and saying something has a historical basis.

00:41:59.100 It's not – there's never been anything like it's been in Europe here in the States.

00:42:03.360 Right.

00:42:03.620 Ever.

00:42:04.180 Right.

00:42:04.560 That's true.

00:42:05.860 I mean, America's designed so that it really can.

00:42:08.580 It can.

00:42:09.460 I mean, there's been racism here.

00:42:10.700 Yeah.

00:42:12.060 Like, it's crazy racism.

00:42:13.520 I just finished Langston Hughes' second autobiography.

00:42:15.580 There's, like, lots of insane stuff there.

00:42:16.980 Oh, Langston Hughes.

00:42:17.680 Oh, my God.

00:42:18.180 I love Langston.

00:42:19.320 So good.

00:42:20.100 But, I mean, eventually America worked out – worked away from slavery.

00:42:23.560 I'm just saying that –

00:42:24.480 I forget – I'm not even talking about slavery.

00:42:26.040 Racism, whatever.

00:42:26.720 I think we're trying to progress out of racism.

00:42:29.060 I think it's part of the American spirit to at least pretend to.

00:42:31.840 I'm just saying, America's modeled to not want to just stay and be racist.

00:42:37.440 America always tries to get better and do better.

00:42:39.680 Yeah, sure, sure.

00:42:39.880 That's what I'm saying.

00:42:40.480 Sure.

00:42:41.680 Sure.

00:42:42.180 It doesn't mean they do it, but that's part of our culture.

00:42:44.780 But the aim is to be better, be greater, do better.

00:42:49.100 That's what's great about it, you know?

00:42:51.140 Yes, of course.

00:42:51.960 I'm here for a reason.

00:42:53.020 Yeah.

00:42:53.360 Yeah.

00:42:53.980 But with Operation Paperclip and stuff, they did bring Nazis here.

00:42:56.360 They found – they were a big part of NASA.

00:42:59.460 I think the leader of NASA was a Nazi.

00:43:01.080 I mean, it's German scientists.

00:43:02.340 So, it never took hold necessarily, but they are here.

00:43:05.700 They are in –

00:43:06.300 But hold on a second.

00:43:07.260 A lot of –

00:43:07.460 No, MKUltra took hold.

00:43:08.780 Yeah.

00:43:08.920 And that's Nazi programming.

00:43:10.180 A lot of what –

00:43:11.400 I know they weren't like Nazis.

00:43:12.740 Right.

00:43:13.080 So, like –

00:43:13.340 I understand.

00:43:13.860 Right.

00:43:14.140 So, people need to understand, like, a lot of people were in the party just for political

00:43:17.240 reasons.

00:43:17.620 They weren't actually Nazis.

00:43:18.180 But sometimes it's not –

00:43:19.220 Are you talking about the Klan?

00:43:20.360 No, we're talking about Operation Paperclip.

00:43:21.740 They weren't like, you know, die in the wall.

00:43:24.120 They were just like –

00:43:24.720 I'm also not going to say that.

00:43:25.840 Sure, sure.

00:43:26.320 That's true.

00:43:26.960 No, that's not true.

00:43:28.460 That's not true.

00:43:29.360 No, it's not true.

00:43:29.420 A lot of those Nazis were perfectly defiant when it fell.

00:43:32.500 They were like, fuck you.

00:43:33.460 I'm going to – this is true.

00:43:35.040 This is what I'm going to view to my dying day.

00:43:37.340 They went to Argentina.

00:43:37.780 Yeah.

00:43:38.220 Yeah.

00:43:38.920 Plenty of them were defiant.

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00:44:59.040 And they all sort of congregated at Penn State University.

00:45:02.680 Is that right?

00:45:03.380 Yes.

00:45:03.700 And then they brought out MKUltra mind control in the American population through media.

00:45:09.780 And you can see it like, I mean, CNN and Rachel Maddow and all them, those are anti-Semitic tropes that they sell every day on there.

00:45:21.280 Well, it's also just mind control, whether it's anti-Semitic.

00:45:22.820 It is mind control.

00:45:23.700 But MKUltra's German mind control is peculiarly anti-Semitic because that is a tool of power that really works.

00:45:39.420 It works.

00:45:40.280 It divides people immediately.

00:45:42.560 Yeah, it does.

00:45:42.840 Because it accesses their religious upbringing and twists that around and makes all the religions hate each other.

00:45:52.180 Right?

00:45:52.740 And what a great divide that is.

00:45:55.100 Sure.

00:45:55.520 Just to start with.

00:45:56.440 Let's talk fun stuff, though.

00:45:58.440 I think this is fun.

00:45:59.380 I mean, look.

00:46:00.040 I think it's fun.

00:46:01.000 I do, too.

00:46:01.480 I think I'm worried.

00:46:03.020 I'm 72 and I've never been so worried about America falling for anti-Semitism.

00:46:10.440 I'm worried about the right falling for it again.

00:46:13.040 Yeah, I don't want that to happen to my magus.

00:46:15.100 Yeah.

00:46:15.260 I think, I'm not saying you're wrong to be worried, but I'm saying Trump's daughter converted.

00:46:25.680 Ivanka practice keeps kosher.

00:46:27.100 I don't keep kosher.

00:46:27.760 You guys don't keep kosher.

00:46:29.420 So, I don't.

00:46:30.180 No, she's like really.

00:46:33.420 Right.

00:46:34.000 So, it's like I had Cernovich on my show and he made the point.

00:46:37.140 He goes, a lot of these people come from places they've never been a Jew before.

00:46:41.080 So, this whole character.

00:46:41.780 Trump's from New York.

00:46:42.880 New York City, right?

00:46:43.960 So, it's like you can't be in New York.

00:46:45.580 I'm sure he's got this low-key anti-Semitism like anyone who works in New York City real estate is going to have.

00:46:50.460 Yeah.

00:46:50.640 But, these are his people.

00:46:52.220 He grew up with.

00:46:53.320 We're not saying, what we're saying is there seems to be, let me just put it this way.

00:46:55.980 There seems to be a factioning happening in the right.

00:46:57.780 Yes, there is.

00:46:58.240 That's not even a question.

00:46:59.060 And there's.

00:46:59.380 That's what we don't like.

00:47:00.020 Trump, I think, is on the right side.

00:47:01.780 I think a lot of magus are.

00:47:02.420 Yeah, we think he's on the right side.

00:47:03.440 But, there are a lot that aren't.

00:47:04.600 That's true.

00:47:04.980 And, I don't want to get anyone in trouble or put you on the spot, but a lot of people in our influence circle of friends are definitely factioning different than where we're factioning.

00:47:13.600 Sure.

00:47:13.940 We've noticed that we've been factioning.

00:47:15.780 Sure.

00:47:16.320 Different.

00:47:16.540 You know, the left is faction still.

00:47:18.440 It doesn't exist.

00:47:19.400 Well, they're factioning us now.

00:47:20.580 And, now we're factioning.

00:47:21.700 And, I think they're doing it intentionally because we won and they knew they couldn't beat us.

00:47:24.260 I just have this theory now.

00:47:25.080 I think this is their thing.

00:47:26.260 Okay.

00:47:26.540 I disagree in this regard.

00:47:27.980 So, my book, The New Right, the thesis was, all these groups on the right have nothing in common except for opposition to progressivism, right?

00:47:37.820 Right.

00:47:38.140 So, if you forget anti-semitism completely, like the thing with Vivek, right, when they were talking about H-1B visas and immigration.

00:47:44.560 This is a big issue whether, okay, let's cut down immigration and Americans get jobs first or do we want the best immigrants from all over?

00:47:53.840 These are two different views on the right.

00:47:55.920 You can't reconcile those two.

00:47:57.300 They're just two.

00:47:57.980 People honestly think one.

00:47:58.980 People honestly think the other.

00:48:00.360 A lot of these things on the right are just like, okay, let's beat the progs.

00:48:04.420 But, once you beat them, what are you going to do next?

00:48:06.040 It's not obvious.

00:48:06.820 There's two paths in all these different issues.

00:48:08.560 I want to talk more about your stuff, though.

00:48:15.460 All right.

00:48:15.660 He's over there, too.

00:48:16.580 All right.

00:48:20.100 Well, how do you want to get there?

00:48:21.680 What's the transition?

00:48:23.040 We don't need a transition.

00:48:24.060 I was just watching a lot of your stuff, and I'm just curious to hear your thoughts about different parts of your career.

00:48:29.620 And I don't know why you don't like talking about this stuff.

00:48:31.480 He's right.

00:48:32.020 Well, my family is sick of hearing it, so I love saying it to you.

00:48:36.900 That's why I love hanging out with you, because you always ask me about myself.

00:48:40.320 My kids don't.

00:48:41.740 They just blabber off about their own problems.

00:48:44.920 Where do they get it from?

00:48:46.040 Huh?

00:48:46.320 Rick, I wonder where they get it from.

00:48:48.040 No, I like it for the podcast, because I do think we should talk about it on the podcast.

00:48:50.760 I agree with Michael.

00:48:51.080 I was just watching a clip where you were at Dangerfields, and Rod is introducing you.

00:48:56.620 And it's really funny, because what's your first line like?

00:48:58.340 I never go nowhere.

00:48:59.700 Never, never, never, never, never, never, because I'm a housewife.

00:49:02.400 And I'm like, bitch, you're on stage in New York, and then you're like, well, this was

00:49:05.460 my second or first trip.

00:49:07.240 Yeah.

00:49:07.520 So walk us through that.

00:49:09.120 Well, that was my act, you know.

00:49:10.880 Of course, that was your act, but I'd be like, walk us through what it's like coming to New

00:49:13.120 York as a comedian.

00:49:14.240 This is a big moment.

00:49:15.980 Yeah, it was huge, because Rodney had this show, Young Comedians, on HBO, and I was on

00:49:21.900 that night.

00:49:22.360 He introduced Young Comedians to the audience, and I was on with Jerry Seinfeld, Andrew Dice Clay,

00:49:28.940 Sam Kennison, me, and somebody else that I can't remember, and I apologize.

00:49:35.360 But that was a big, big night in comedy.

00:49:38.320 And all of us became, you know, successful comedians from that night.

00:49:42.260 And it was just very exciting.

00:49:47.500 We'd watched the person who was, I think I was third.

00:49:53.160 And...

00:49:53.560 Does the order really matter, or is that a...

00:49:56.260 The order really matters to the person who makes the order.

00:49:59.800 Okay.

00:50:00.480 And then that matters to you, because they're telling you how they see you.

00:50:04.160 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:50:05.100 Okay.

00:50:05.340 You know.

00:50:06.240 So it's like, they don't see you as an opener, but then they want an opener that warm up the

00:50:11.420 audience, and then they want the show to go boom, boom.

00:50:14.680 They want the show to crescendo.

00:50:16.300 Okay.

00:50:17.060 So they put me in the middle, because they thought, you know, I mean, nobody can follow Sam

00:50:21.660 Kennison.

00:50:22.400 Right.

00:50:22.680 And nobody could follow Dice either.

00:50:26.500 Those two guys are, nobody could follow.

00:50:29.900 And so I was happy to be in the middle, and I thought that was respectful to me, you know.

00:50:36.200 So they treated me well, and I had the swagger, you know, because I knew it worked.

00:50:42.660 I had already been on tour a lot, and I knew which jokes killed.

00:50:46.840 So it was great.

00:50:48.240 I had the swag.

00:50:50.100 Swag is about 90% of comedy.

00:50:52.280 Really?

00:50:53.200 Yeah.

00:50:54.600 Explain that.

00:50:56.520 Can I say one more thing, which just blew my mind?

00:50:59.340 So I was toying with the idea of going into stand-up, and I was going to have you critique

00:51:04.240 my act, and I just did like three sentences, and you dissected it like a surgeon.

00:51:08.540 I'm like, holy shit.

00:51:09.840 Like, I didn't realize, like, I knew, obviously, comedy legend, you're like a surgeon, but I'm

00:51:13.500 like, I need to record this and sit it down, because it was such useful information.

00:51:18.560 One of the things when I started out being an author, and this is advice to people starting

00:51:22.020 on anything, don't ask your dopey friends for advice, and they don't know.

00:51:25.940 Ask someone who actually has been there walking, and you don't have validation.

00:51:30.040 You want, change this, change that, change that.

00:51:32.620 I had to help my friend write his book.

00:51:34.080 Like, he went to Harvard, he got a book deal, and his editor was like, you got this, keep

00:51:40.640 it up.

00:51:40.940 And he goes, I don't know what I'm doing.

00:51:42.820 I can't deduce how to write a book.

00:51:44.620 Just tell me.

00:51:45.660 Do more like this, less like this.

00:51:47.420 Give me orders, right?

00:51:48.540 Yeah, I understand that.

00:51:48.820 And he brought me on to do that for him, and the book was very successful and very great.

00:51:53.060 So it's just kind of amazing when I'm sitting down, and you're just like tearing it apart,

00:51:57.860 but not in a hurtful way at all.

00:51:59.280 You're like, just do this, this, this.

00:52:00.280 And I'm like, holy shit, it's just, it's just, it's just watching the legend's brain.

00:52:05.820 They tell them, yeah.

00:52:06.620 Well, 40 years, I've been, 42 years.

00:52:09.040 There's lots of people who do shit and never learn.

00:52:11.160 No, you're a master level.

00:52:13.360 You're absolutely a master, 100%.

00:52:14.900 Well, I do love it, and you do learn things, watching and doing.

00:52:18.740 Of course.

00:52:19.380 You know, of course you still fuck up, but that's the fun part.

00:52:22.360 I love to fuck up.

00:52:23.700 Why?

00:52:23.940 Because I love sometimes to bomb, because I have to dig my way out.

00:52:31.100 Yeah, okay.

00:52:31.800 So learning to dig your way out is a huge part of it.

00:52:35.420 That's why I used to love watching Johnny Carson, because when his jokes would bomb, you know,

00:52:40.720 bombing is horrible and lonely and frightful.

00:52:44.000 And I guess I learned, me and Bill Maher talk about Johnny all the time, but when his joke

00:52:50.440 would bomb, he would dig his way out so brilliantly that it actually made the bomb funny.

00:52:57.400 Do you know, it's interesting you're saying this, because I was talking to my friend Akash,

00:53:00.640 who's a comedian, and my friend Bridget, who's also a comedian, and they both, the advice

00:53:05.060 they both had goes, be ready for when it doesn't land.

00:53:07.760 Yeah.

00:53:08.140 Because when that silence hits, like that's, it's panning.

00:53:11.000 Like, you're going to be very lonely, very scary, everyone knows what's happened, and

00:53:15.840 if it killed yesterday, it might bomb today, you've got to know what to do in that moment.

00:53:20.420 That's the worst part.

00:53:22.400 Yeah, okay.

00:53:23.380 Yeah, you've got to figure out how you're going to dig your way out of hell.

00:53:26.880 Yeah, yeah.

00:53:28.280 With everyone watching.

00:53:29.840 Yeah, with everyone watching, yeah.

00:53:32.100 And they know just what happened.

00:53:33.140 You can't fool, you know, everyone knows what happened.

00:53:34.960 No, you can't hide it.

00:53:35.820 I was going to say, Buck tried stand-up and did really, my little brother, did really well

00:53:39.560 the first time he tried it, and I remember, first and second, and mom told him, like,

00:53:43.360 I remember her, you know, I heard about this, but it was awesome advice.

00:53:46.680 I helped him with his act, too.

00:53:47.720 She said, that's great that you're doing well, but really, it doesn't really help you

00:53:51.420 until you bomb.

00:53:52.500 Yeah.

00:53:52.820 And then he bombed, and I don't know if he's gone back, sadly.

00:53:55.300 He said, I'm done with it.

00:53:56.940 That's when, that's the test, if you can get through the bombing and come back.

00:53:59.880 I don't know, you've got to learn from the bombing and come back better.

00:54:03.040 Yeah.

00:54:03.460 I don't want to.

00:54:04.180 He's a millennial.

00:54:04.880 They're not going to do that.

00:54:05.840 He's over it.

00:54:07.440 But you do learn more post-bombing.

00:54:08.560 Post-bombing, I mean, that's true.

00:54:10.380 Bombing teaches you so much.

00:54:11.600 It's like, then you have to sit there.

00:54:13.380 It's a great way to exercise self-reflection, which a lot of people lack, but then you have

00:54:19.360 to be real honest with you.

00:54:20.520 Because a lot, I don't know who it was, Ben Bankus was on, and he said, you know, it's

00:54:24.520 like those comics that they die a dog's death, and they come out, and they go, I killed.

00:54:29.140 Yeah.

00:54:29.360 It was a great show.

00:54:30.540 He's saying Trudeau is a terrible comic that thinks he killed.

00:54:33.620 Oh, my.

00:54:33.900 He comes out, and he's like, I fucking killed, and I'm going to do a whole tour.

00:54:37.460 And he bombs every night.

00:54:39.580 It was hilarious.

00:54:40.700 And it's true.

00:54:41.760 It's true about Trudeau.

00:54:42.720 But like, to know that you didn't do as well as you usually do or did, and you go, why

00:54:49.820 didn't it work?

00:54:50.820 And then you go, I know why, because I was really arrogant and thought it was going to

00:54:56.240 work.

00:54:56.840 Okay.

00:54:57.620 Because that is death.

00:54:59.460 When you're really arrogant, and you know it's going to work, it never works.

00:55:03.320 Wait a minute.

00:55:03.820 Hold on.

00:55:04.580 What's the difference between arrogance and swag?

00:55:06.000 You just said swag is 90% of it.

00:55:07.380 Well, swag ain't arrogant.

00:55:08.460 Okay.

00:55:08.700 Explain it to me.

00:55:09.660 Swag is like, I can fucking do this.

00:55:12.300 If somebody comes up here and kicks me in the face, I'm going to kick them back.

00:55:16.340 I can protect my space.

00:55:18.120 My space are these jokes, and this space here on this stage that everybody paid to see

00:55:23.020 me.

00:55:23.780 Swag.

00:55:24.300 Swag, I'll fight my way out of the fucking shit heap I create.

00:55:30.520 I will.

00:55:31.300 By the end, you'll be standing up for me.

00:55:33.560 How's that different from arrogance?

00:55:36.800 Arrogance is like, God, I'm so great.

00:55:39.780 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:55:40.500 I can't fail.

00:55:41.980 Right, okay.

00:55:42.860 Then God strikes you down, you know.

00:55:44.980 But the other one is like, I can play.

00:55:47.200 I can do this.

00:55:48.040 I can play.

00:55:49.220 Because it is play when you've got your audience and you're playing with them.

00:55:52.820 And that's my favorite part now.

00:55:54.800 When I went on stage in L.A., I just, you know, all I want to do now is psychic readings

00:56:00.800 for the audience.

00:56:02.500 That's all I care about.

00:56:03.940 Because it's a way to talk to them and stuff.

00:56:07.680 And, you know, I just love crowd work.

00:56:11.120 I used to ask Rodney and Phyllis and other comics that I admired, Dick Gregory and people

00:56:17.120 who were my friends, and they all passed on to that big comedy club in the sky.

00:56:23.420 But I said, how long does it take before you can really stand there on your feet and

00:56:28.760 do the crowd work off the top of your head?

00:56:31.180 Rodney said, it takes 35 years to make a comic that can do that.

00:56:36.480 Oh, my God.

00:56:37.040 But we had comics in L.A. who could do it, like this guy Jimmy something like that.

00:56:42.040 I'm sorry, I don't remember his name.

00:56:43.720 But his whole act was crowd work.

00:56:45.980 Most coffee is weak, just like the cowards running this country.

00:56:50.700 But 1775 coffee, well, it's bold, strong, and unapologetically American, just like yours

00:56:57.640 truly.

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00:57:11.140 on the Ellen show.

00:57:13.400 Vitality mushroom blend, it fires up your brain so fast you'll be able to understand all the

00:57:18.840 brilliant shit I say on this podcast.

00:57:20.580 Finally, this isn't woke corporate dirt water, it's real coffee for real people.

00:57:27.720 Hand-picked, small batch, roasted fresh in Miami.

00:57:31.900 Go to 1775coffee.com, use code ROSEANNE for 15% off, and get yourself some coffee that actually

00:57:40.100 stands for something.

00:57:42.100 Oh, and every dollar you spend enters you to win a Cybertruck plus $30,000 cash.

00:57:48.300 Wake up, drink up, and never let them make you shut up.

00:57:53.980 Alan and your friends, Alan Steven.

00:57:55.440 Alan Steven can do crowd work.

00:57:57.660 But that's a different kind of breed of comic.

00:58:00.620 But I always wanted to get there to be able to write on stage in real time, and the psychic

00:58:05.660 readings are, because it's, you know, I'm able to satisfy my nosy old Jewish lady questions,

00:58:12.000 and it's always fun.

00:58:15.040 You know, but I know I gotta do jokes too.

00:58:18.300 You know.

00:58:19.580 It's the balance.

00:58:20.700 I'm excited for you to try to stand up.

00:58:22.400 Yeah.

00:58:22.680 What made you decide to want to do that?

00:58:25.320 I'll tell you.

00:58:26.140 It's actually a funny story.

00:58:27.380 By the way, like, I don't want to say miracle.

00:58:31.640 I don't know what the right word is.

00:58:33.100 But when I was on your deck, and I'm telling you some of my jokes, and having Roseanne Barr

00:58:36.880 dissect them, I'm just like, what a, I'm, I'm, I'm, listen, I know you don't get sick

00:58:41.260 of people kissing your ass, but like, what a fucking, I was like, hold, I must have done

00:58:45.240 something right if I'm at this point where I have access, and that you're actually willing

00:58:48.480 to do it, instead of being like, oh yeah, you're great, go on stage, stop, leave me alone,

00:58:53.080 you know, that you actually cared enough to give me, you know, useful advice.

00:58:55.380 No, I love you.

00:58:56.520 I know, but it's just, it's a privilege.

00:58:57.920 I think you're a genius, even though I, you're over my head.

00:59:01.240 I'm not.

00:59:01.420 I don't get, I don't get your, it's not time to lose if we can't lose, or some shit.

00:59:06.080 I know, he could have just said helpful.

00:59:06.940 Whatever the fuck you're talking about, but I just love you.

00:59:10.280 Oh, so I, I was dating this chick who had autism.

00:59:15.380 Uh-huh.

00:59:15.960 This is already great.

00:59:17.120 And, well, actually, no, it takes, I went with her.

00:59:19.900 What kind of autism?

00:59:21.160 It's just, they all have one now, it's under one umbrella.

00:59:24.160 It's not a spectrum anymore.

00:59:25.660 Yes, it's a spectrum, but if they.

00:59:27.060 Are they, you mean, because they, what do they do?

00:59:29.640 They're there, go like, uh.

00:59:31.720 Yeah, but she like Rain Man?

00:59:33.200 What kind?

00:59:34.080 Did you take advantage of a mentally retarded person?

00:59:36.220 I'm doing it right now.

00:59:39.640 Fucker.

00:59:40.460 No, how?

00:59:40.900 I meant Jake.

00:59:41.860 I'm autistic.

00:59:43.280 Jake's autistic.

00:59:45.060 Hold on, let me tell you.

00:59:46.240 Okay.

00:59:47.240 So, it was two things that happened.

00:59:49.300 So, actually, the reason I became a commentator on TV, I remember when I was a teenager watching

00:59:54.980 I Love the 90s, all those shows on VH1, and I thought to myself, I could do this.

00:59:59.240 Yeah.

00:59:59.400 And I can, and I did, right?

01:00:01.000 Yeah, and you should.

01:00:01.960 And I do.

01:00:03.080 I know you don't know what I do for a living, but I do that.

01:00:05.140 No, I do.

01:00:05.460 I want you.

01:00:06.380 Okay.

01:00:07.220 So, I.

01:00:07.600 What do you do for a living, actually?

01:00:08.560 Who are you?

01:00:09.400 I just get in my house.

01:00:11.000 You're Michael Fishman, right?

01:00:14.280 So, I went to see a show at a comedy club here with her on a date, and it was terrible.

01:00:21.400 And it was terrible, but it was like, I don't understand how you would think this would

01:00:26.100 be funny on a stage, right?

01:00:28.720 And I'm sitting there thinking, like, because whenever people ask me, I've written many

01:00:33.180 books.

01:00:33.740 Whenever people ask me for advice, I go, go to any, because when I first started out trying

01:00:37.380 to be an author, I read this amazing book called Jesus' Son by Dennis Johnson.

01:00:41.580 And it was so beautifully written and superb.

01:00:43.860 I'm like, I can never do this.

01:00:44.960 What's it called?

01:00:45.720 Jesus' Son.

01:00:46.500 It's a reference to the Velvet Underground lyrics, right?

01:00:49.160 Jesus' Son?

01:00:50.060 Jesus' Son.

01:00:51.580 Jesus' Son.

01:00:52.480 Yeah.

01:00:52.620 I love the Velvet Underground.

01:00:54.180 Uh-huh.

01:00:55.240 And I later learned that he's a poet, so that's why the writing is so good.

01:00:58.980 They made it into a superb movie.

01:01:00.180 And then I'm like, wait a minute.

01:01:01.100 I don't need to be Dennis Johnson.

01:01:02.800 And I say to kids, I go, go to, if you're worried about being an author, go to any bookstore

01:01:07.580 and look at all those shitty books that people are like, how did this asshole get a book

01:01:12.440 feel?

01:01:12.600 That could be you.

01:01:13.600 You could be that terrible author that everyone's like, how'd this become a book, right?

01:01:17.160 So I was watching the bad stand-up.

01:01:18.540 I'm like, okay, I already have enough of an audience that could fill a room.

01:01:22.040 Yeah.

01:01:22.240 I could do this.

01:01:23.840 And with her, she had just been recently diagnosed with autism.

01:01:29.520 And now she had to reevaluate how she talks to people, eye contact, body language, all

01:01:34.900 these things, which meant she basically gaslit herself.

01:01:38.820 Yeah.

01:01:39.220 Which was a terrible amount of power for me to have.

01:01:41.340 And I decided to have some fun with it.

01:01:43.080 And I'm like, wait a minute.

01:01:44.160 This is something.

01:01:45.080 I could go somewhere with this.

01:01:46.920 And that's what kind of inspired me to, like, I can get an act together.

01:01:51.440 About your artistic girlfriend.

01:01:52.720 That was part of it, yeah.

01:01:53.860 Yeah.

01:01:55.280 That is so fucking funny.

01:01:56.960 I can't even laugh.

01:01:57.840 You can't give a joke.

01:01:58.720 I wish you could tell a joke.

01:01:59.620 I have to dissect that because it is so fucking funny.

01:02:03.400 It's really funny because I actually-

01:02:04.940 Because I'm autistic.

01:02:05.920 I'm on the spectrum.

01:02:07.420 Are you?

01:02:07.840 Oh, hell yeah.

01:02:08.920 Because I'm like a dog with a bone.

01:02:11.340 I can't let go until I get there, you know?

01:02:13.700 Okay, sure.

01:02:14.940 You know, I got weird autism.

01:02:18.480 I thought that was OCD.

01:02:19.840 Yeah, that sounds like OCD.

01:02:20.820 I got that too and all the other stuff.

01:02:22.600 I got everything.

01:02:23.640 It's all Venn diagram.

01:02:24.580 And it's all self-diagnosed too.

01:02:26.220 It's all self-diagnosed.

01:02:27.320 It ain't self-diagnosed.

01:02:28.000 Did you know I'm president?

01:02:32.120 I am though because I declared myself in 2012.

01:02:36.100 I never conceded to Obama because I ran against him because he's a monster.

01:02:41.860 And I said, I won't concede.

01:02:45.020 In fact, I declare myself president for life, just like Castro and them.

01:02:51.880 Right.

01:02:51.980 And I made a thing that I'm president of Americans, Inc. for life.

01:02:59.840 That's why I do what I do because I'm talking for Americans, Inc.

01:03:03.940 Do you guys know who Emperor Norton is?

01:03:05.800 Who?

01:03:07.080 I love him.

01:03:07.920 I don't know these fucking people.

01:03:09.620 Emperor Norton was-

01:03:10.620 No, who's that?

01:03:12.480 I'll be happy to tell you.

01:03:13.860 Yeah, who?

01:03:15.840 Shut up.

01:03:16.500 Who is it?

01:03:18.100 Talk.

01:03:18.840 You know what I love?

01:03:20.160 I have imaginary conversations with her all the time.

01:03:22.580 And one of the things that I love about you is I'm positive you were exactly like this

01:03:28.760 when you were six.

01:03:29.720 Like I still see that little fat little Jewish kid from Utah.

01:03:32.480 Like the same attitude, the same mouth, anything.

01:03:36.540 Emperor-

01:03:37.020 You know what my nickname was?

01:03:38.400 What?

01:03:39.200 Bossy.

01:03:39.820 No, it wasn't.

01:03:40.560 Yes, it was.

01:03:42.060 Everybody in the neighborhood called me Bossy.

01:03:44.620 Oh, my God.

01:03:45.200 But they said, Bossy the cow.

01:03:47.600 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

01:03:48.940 Because I was fat.

01:03:50.240 Yeah.

01:03:51.120 You're bossy.

01:03:52.260 Like bossy because they would deliver milk bottles to everybody's porch every day and

01:03:57.540 the dairy was Bossy the cow.

01:03:59.700 Wait, did they call you Bossy because of the cow or because you were bossy?

01:04:02.280 Both.

01:04:03.280 Wait, the cow's name was Bossy?

01:04:04.520 Yeah.

01:04:05.020 Bossy the cow.

01:04:06.520 Really?

01:04:06.920 That's what they called me.

01:04:07.340 How do you know the cow's name?

01:04:08.320 Was it the brand you made of?

01:04:09.160 It was on the bottle.

01:04:10.280 Bossy the cow says, mmm, mmm, good.

01:04:13.480 Did you, like, take the cream from the top?

01:04:16.000 Was that a thing?

01:04:17.180 I loved that.

01:04:18.040 Yeah.

01:04:18.520 When you take off that paper cap thing.

01:04:21.300 Ah, it was so good.

01:04:23.160 Back in the 1800s.

01:04:24.500 Yeah, I didn't even know it.

01:04:25.860 Before pasteurization, yeah.

01:04:27.480 This is a thing.

01:04:28.480 I read these old children's books and they're all into it.

01:04:31.700 That's like all these kids could die.

01:04:35.800 I fucking know it.

01:04:36.940 You know, I love making you laugh.

01:04:41.900 It's so fun.

01:04:43.600 Wait, what were we talking about?

01:04:44.440 So Emperor Norton was a guy who lived in San Francisco in the 1800s, I believe, and he

01:04:49.320 declared himself Emperor of the United States, Emperor Norton I, and he issued currency.

01:04:53.680 And he was just like one of these quirky San Francisco characters.

01:04:56.260 Love.

01:04:56.780 Yeah.

01:04:57.160 Oh, I love him already.

01:04:59.000 Yeah.

01:04:59.260 Because I'm going to do the Roseanne coin.

01:05:01.500 Are you?

01:05:02.300 Yeah, but I think I'm going to call it, what am I going to call it?

01:05:05.500 Bitch coin.

01:05:06.200 They have that already.

01:05:07.500 Bitch coin.

01:05:08.060 They already have bitch coin.

01:05:09.080 I don't know.

01:05:09.520 I haven't looked into it.

01:05:10.580 But I'm going to get some kind of coin.

01:05:11.980 You could call it Roseanne coiner.

01:05:14.020 That's not bad.

01:05:15.220 That's good, actually.

01:05:18.020 They'll sue me.

01:05:18.600 Roseanne gold bar nut.

01:05:20.320 Coiner's good.

01:05:21.360 I did try to start Roseanne coin way back when I was with Max, whoever started that Bitcoin

01:05:28.040 shit.

01:05:28.600 Max.

01:05:29.560 What's his name?

01:05:30.620 Max and what's her face?

01:05:32.540 They used to be good friends of mine.

01:05:34.500 Stacey.

01:05:35.080 What's it?

01:05:35.420 They started the whole fucking Bitcoin deal.

01:05:38.300 I have no idea.

01:05:39.440 Max.

01:05:39.880 She has a good day.

01:05:40.900 She has a good day.

01:05:41.580 No, I can't remember.

01:05:42.440 Let's get you back to bed.

01:05:43.300 He knows who he is and I love him.

01:05:46.000 We don't know who he is.

01:05:47.020 I don't.

01:05:47.460 He invented Bitcoin.

01:05:49.060 Satoshi Nakamoto invented Bitcoin.

01:05:50.600 No one knows who he is, so this is not Max.

01:05:54.720 Max.

01:05:55.080 Is this the thing where you, yeah.

01:05:57.860 Sometimes she combines.

01:05:59.580 I'm going to look it up.

01:06:00.140 Everyone knows who he is.

01:06:01.480 No.

01:06:02.300 At least two people in this room don't.

01:06:03.200 It's like Max Kaufman.

01:06:04.860 Max.

01:06:05.220 Max inventor of Bitcoin.

01:06:06.980 I'm going to look this up.

01:06:07.820 Oh.

01:06:08.460 Inventor of, what was his wife's name or girl?

01:06:10.960 Stacey.

01:06:11.540 Max and, here I'll look it up.

01:06:12.900 I just called him Max and Stacey.

01:06:14.140 Max and Stacey.

01:06:15.220 Stacey something.

01:06:16.100 Inventor of Bitcoin.

01:06:19.760 Max and his wife, Stacey Herbert, were among the, oh no.

01:06:22.360 They were among the first to extensively highlight Bitcoin back in 2000.

01:06:26.220 So they were like the first like OG investors.

01:06:28.280 Okay.

01:06:28.460 They were not the.

01:06:29.160 What's his name?

01:06:31.920 Max Kaiser.

01:06:33.520 Kaiser?

01:06:34.160 Wow.

01:06:35.160 And Stacey.

01:06:36.980 Herbert.

01:06:37.640 Herbert.

01:06:38.860 Okay.

01:06:39.320 So they made money on Bitcoin.

01:06:40.540 Sure, sure.

01:06:41.220 Yeah.

01:06:41.300 So they wanted me to do a Roseanne coin.

01:06:44.820 Yeah, I don't know if we should do it.

01:06:45.480 And then it turned into NTFS, some BSCIA, LGBTQ, or shit.

01:06:52.600 I don't know.

01:06:53.200 Okay.

01:06:53.460 A lot of letters.

01:06:54.500 You shouldn't do it.

01:06:55.620 We shouldn't, right?

01:06:56.260 And I'll tell you why.

01:06:57.080 Why?

01:06:59.680 Because a lot of celebrities are doing, they're doing a pump and dump.

01:07:02.700 Yeah.

01:07:03.140 I don't like, I don't want to rip off my fans.

01:07:05.300 And your fans are the ones who are left holding the bag.

01:07:07.140 No, I'm not going to rip off my fans.

01:07:08.500 So don't do it.

01:07:08.940 Well.

01:07:09.180 I was always trying to invent something where my fans could make money by being my fans.

01:07:14.360 That's what I'm trying to figure out.

01:07:15.400 You know what that would be?

01:07:16.780 It would be writing that book I've been yelling about for over a year.

01:07:19.740 I told you I wrote a whole paragraph.

01:07:21.840 That's great.

01:07:23.640 I was like, I was born lucky because I was completely suicidal.

01:07:33.560 But my parents were always trying to kill me.

01:07:37.780 Yet, I had, what do you call it?

01:07:41.880 Oppositional disorder.

01:07:42.780 Oppositional disorder.

01:07:44.060 So it kept me going.

01:07:46.020 That's great.

01:07:46.460 I told you the opening line.

01:07:47.900 What?

01:07:49.160 My family was trying to kill me.

01:07:51.020 Yeah.

01:07:51.580 It has to be about the Connors, that first chapter.

01:07:54.540 Oh, the Connors?

01:07:55.440 That's how you start.

01:07:56.400 The first line is my family was trying to kill me.

01:07:58.840 Oh, I like that.

01:07:59.920 I know.

01:08:01.040 They were trying to kill me.

01:08:02.580 I know, Roseanne.

01:08:03.140 I mean, they was gaslighting me the whole fucking time like my real family that wasn't on TV.

01:08:08.580 This is the book.

01:08:10.480 It's coming.

01:08:11.260 Don't yell at me.

01:08:11.880 Put on paper.

01:08:12.300 No, no.

01:08:12.700 Okay.

01:08:13.320 I just got to tell you.

01:08:14.260 We have to wait.

01:08:15.300 I know.

01:08:15.660 I know.

01:08:16.040 But it's like, it's such a.

01:08:17.460 No, I know.

01:08:18.180 But it's better.

01:08:18.560 I'm going to do that right after I do geriatric porn shows.

01:08:21.940 Yeah.

01:08:22.400 Shows.

01:08:22.620 I'm getting on the.

01:08:25.380 I don't know how this shit works.

01:08:27.240 Michael laughs.

01:08:28.040 He's like, God, you're such a boomer.

01:08:29.860 What did I say?

01:08:31.180 I don't know how to.

01:08:32.000 I don't think boomers talk about porn.

01:08:33.540 No, I don't know how to text or anything.

01:08:35.480 Oh, she was trying to edit a PDF.

01:08:37.100 I'm like.

01:08:37.980 Yeah.

01:08:39.140 She's come a long way.

01:08:40.200 I remember the.

01:08:40.840 Do you remember screaming at me and calling me a retard when I was trying to teach you how

01:08:44.180 to email?

01:08:44.760 This was like.

01:08:45.280 Oh, the email.

01:08:46.080 It was like 97.

01:08:47.120 Oh, the email.

01:08:48.400 She couldn't write an email.

01:08:49.700 And she verbally abused me for like an hour.

01:08:51.980 I could not write an email.

01:08:52.460 My favorite thing was.

01:08:53.500 But she's great now.

01:08:54.200 She was better.

01:08:55.960 I mean, she can email now.

01:08:57.340 I can email.

01:08:57.920 I can text.

01:08:57.940 One of the best things was we had to delay having her on my show because she was in Hawaii.

01:09:01.820 You were here.

01:09:02.400 Yeah.

01:09:02.680 And I said, Roseanne, even if you couldn't figure out how to get on the computer, somehow

01:09:07.520 it's going to be Jake's fault.

01:09:08.740 Yeah, it's true.

01:09:10.760 I don't get this whole new world that doesn't agree with me.

01:09:14.280 She does Zoom by herself now.

01:09:15.720 I don't think the old world agreed with you much either.

01:09:19.060 When's it been easy for you?

01:09:21.060 Never.

01:09:21.340 It's easy now.

01:09:22.040 You're right.

01:09:22.700 It's never been easy.

01:09:23.540 I think it's easy for you now.

01:09:25.460 I know you're tired.

01:09:27.080 It's easy for you now.

01:09:28.020 It's easy now.

01:09:28.140 I'd like to think I've made your life easy the last couple of years.

01:09:30.680 He has relieved a lot of my stress.

01:09:33.320 But it's still a simple word.

01:09:34.720 I also feel like a lot of your career, you're also alone.

01:09:41.320 Yeah.

01:09:41.980 Yeah.

01:09:42.800 I think it's different.

01:09:43.320 I's the only one that thought like me.

01:09:45.200 Yeah.

01:09:45.440 I think it's different now.

01:09:46.480 I think there's a lot more respect and reverence.

01:09:49.820 Nah.

01:09:50.760 There is.

01:09:51.400 Come on.

01:09:51.700 Stop.

01:09:52.280 I think people are nice.

01:09:54.140 Nicer to me than they were in the past.

01:09:56.020 Yes.

01:09:56.280 If that's respect and reverence, I don't know.

01:09:58.540 But I just call it nice.

01:10:00.240 They're nice to me.

01:10:01.600 They used to never be nice to me.

01:10:03.660 They used to be so rude right to my face.

01:10:06.860 And I'd be like, what?

01:10:08.640 Yeah.

01:10:09.240 Don't you have any frigging manners at all?

01:10:12.340 Right.

01:10:12.920 And they didn't.

01:10:13.880 I've seen it.

01:10:14.540 I saw.

01:10:15.020 Can you give an example?

01:10:16.160 Well, I don't want to name it.

01:10:17.500 Oh, Stalker Channing's a whore.

01:10:18.840 Well, yeah.

01:10:19.420 I'll tell about her.

01:10:19.860 You tell the example.

01:10:20.540 It's a better example coming from me.

01:10:21.560 I've just seen people in Hollywood parties 20, 25 years ago, like literally turn their

01:10:25.300 back to you.

01:10:25.840 It'd be rude.

01:10:26.420 Are you serious?

01:10:27.380 Yeah.

01:10:27.860 She was like this weird fucking, like she wasn't in all the Hollywood parties.

01:10:31.540 She wasn't eating babies.

01:10:32.280 That I know, but like to literally turn their back on someone.

01:10:34.480 Oh, whore.

01:10:34.940 Yeah, no.

01:10:35.360 They've been insanely rude.

01:10:37.380 They go out of their way.

01:10:39.260 Well, there was a couple of times where that happened.

01:10:40.880 I was like, that was so mad.

01:10:41.840 And then I think it might've been Madonna or something.

01:10:44.240 Oh, I gotta hear this.

01:10:45.060 And you're like, well, I did call her a whore a couple of weeks ago on something.

01:10:49.120 Yeah, there's that.

01:10:49.700 But that would happen a lot.

01:10:50.880 Okay.

01:10:51.080 That's different though.

01:10:51.880 But I know, but Stalker Channing, I met her, Barbara Walters and I were in the four seasons

01:10:57.140 and Stalker Channing, she's one of the worst.

01:11:00.620 She comes out and she goes, hello, Barbara.

01:11:04.060 Slobbering all over old Babs there and fucking Babs.

01:11:08.540 So I have to, well, whatever.

01:11:10.960 She steered me wrong in many ways.

01:11:12.940 Anyways, so she goes, Stalkald, whatever.

01:11:19.320 She had a weird accent.

01:11:20.840 I think they said she had a lisp.

01:11:23.280 Impediment.

01:11:23.960 Yeah, she did.

01:11:24.500 Impediment.

01:11:25.100 She did.

01:11:25.920 Stalkald.

01:11:27.040 He's a little, I don't know, however she tell her.

01:11:29.400 I don't know.

01:11:29.760 Barbara Wawa.

01:11:30.620 Huh?

01:11:31.040 Remember Barbara Wawa.

01:11:33.000 And Stalker goes like this, steps back and goes like this.

01:11:38.540 Yeah.

01:11:40.260 Oh, elevator eyes?

01:11:41.600 Yeah.

01:11:41.920 And I look to the side.

01:11:45.300 Yeah, and I go, nice to meet you too.

01:11:49.100 How'd that make you feel?

01:11:49.920 Did you care?

01:11:51.120 I was like, bitch, I'll tear your fucking throat out, you phony motherfucker.

01:11:54.440 Okay.

01:11:55.060 Well, to be fair, she's not being phony.

01:11:56.480 She's being very sincere.

01:11:57.280 That's true.

01:11:58.020 I guess.

01:11:58.400 Yeah.

01:11:59.000 Good point.

01:11:59.340 I hate sincerity.

01:12:02.240 No, they were rude.

01:12:03.200 She was just like this weird outsider.

01:12:05.600 They thought, she's trash.

01:12:07.140 Yeah, she's from a trailer.

01:12:08.580 She doesn't matter.

01:12:09.080 Like all them lived under a trailer before they were famous.

01:12:13.020 The story I was always told is that you're number one on TV, everyone's going to kiss

01:12:17.420 your ass.

01:12:17.820 That's the myth, at least.

01:12:18.940 It's a myth.

01:12:19.820 Nobody kissed my ass.

01:12:21.000 They tried to put me in my place.

01:12:22.420 Maybe if she was a man, they would have, but they certainly did not kiss her ass.

01:12:24.620 They kiss all the men's ass, but for me, it was like, how dare you?

01:12:29.400 How very dare you?

01:12:31.660 There's a story you told me that broke my heart because I have this person's picture

01:12:34.620 framed and signed in my living room.

01:12:36.620 You want to tell the Amy Sedaris story?

01:12:38.540 I don't know this one.

01:12:40.240 Oh, it was horrible.

01:12:42.960 Yeah.

01:12:43.560 I was friends with Kevin Acoyne, the big makeup guy.

01:12:46.720 We were best friends, and he said, oh, you should meet Amy Sedaris and this and that,

01:12:53.160 and I called her.

01:12:54.100 I thought you were friends with David, you were saying.

01:12:56.300 Well, I was friends with David because he's a great writer, and I talked to him all the

01:13:00.900 time, you know, in Paris and stuff, and so I thought she'd be nice, too, but she was

01:13:06.400 so not nice when I called her, and she goes, this isn't Roseanne.

01:13:14.200 She did that whole thing.

01:13:15.200 I go, yeah, it is.

01:13:17.340 Why would you be calling me?

01:13:20.260 I go, because I'm a fan of yours, and, you know, I just wanted to talk to you about comedy,

01:13:24.780 and maybe we could do something together.

01:13:26.440 I thought we could do something funny together.

01:13:29.220 Why would I do that?

01:13:30.820 She said that?

01:13:31.740 Yeah, and I was like, okay, bye.

01:13:34.460 Yeah, it was stunning.

01:13:36.320 Yeah, and that's just one story of so many where I, you know, never went anywhere because

01:13:43.520 they were all vicious and horrible.

01:13:45.620 Did it get to you?

01:13:47.380 It didn't get to me because the way I thought was, well, they're on that side.

01:13:52.060 Okay, oh, yeah, yeah.

01:13:52.880 And so I'm on this side, and, of course, they have to do that because I'm me, and I'm saying

01:14:00.440 this, and it's not saying that.

01:14:03.520 But you know what else is interesting?

01:14:04.760 Like, you have such a reputation.

01:14:05.940 I would think that somebody would be scared of you.

01:14:07.900 They are now.

01:14:08.820 Oh, but even back then.

01:14:09.600 Sometimes they were scared of me.

01:14:11.580 When I was number one, they were scared of me.

01:14:13.520 Well, the execs were, but I don't think other starlets or actors were.

01:14:17.240 My favorite one is, I can't remember her name, but I had her on my show, and then she got

01:14:21.600 a sitcom, Jennifer somebody.

01:14:24.920 And I saw her at a, my friend, that same one whose husband went gay.

01:14:29.440 She took me to the Scientology party with John Travolta and Kelly Preston, who, I liked

01:14:36.500 them, and we were sitting there, and she comes up, I can't remember her name.

01:14:41.440 She has a famous last name.

01:14:42.740 But anyway, she comes up, and I thought she was going to go, as some people do, you gave

01:14:49.060 me my first job, and, you know, now I've got a number two.

01:14:52.960 Like Norm.

01:14:52.980 You have Norma's first job.

01:14:53.680 Yeah, he always thanked me, though.

01:14:55.440 But I thought she's going to go, you know, thank you for, and she comes up, and she goes,

01:14:59.960 I know you.

01:15:03.820 Rosette Barr?

01:15:04.660 Yeah, she goes, I know you.

01:15:07.060 You're the one that gave me a job.

01:15:11.020 That's what she said.

01:15:12.860 I'm like, yeah.

01:15:14.200 I wonder who this is.

01:15:15.460 But they're, they're demented.

01:15:17.680 They're not right in the head.

01:15:18.900 I always felt like they didn't think she belonged there, and they were like, what are you doing

01:15:22.920 here?

01:15:23.940 Like, this is horrible.

01:15:24.540 Yeah, because I remember when I first show went to number one, Esquire wrote a huge piece

01:15:29.200 about me, how I wasn't funny.

01:15:30.940 I wasn't an actual comic, and my whole thing was that I was fat.

01:15:37.500 Yeah.

01:15:37.540 That wasn't your whole thing.

01:15:38.260 Your whole thing is, oh, I want to trigger you.

01:15:41.020 Okay.

01:15:41.960 There's two things.

01:15:42.980 Can we talk about the, talk about whatever you want.

01:15:45.320 We can edit this out later.

01:15:46.980 No, we don't edit.

01:15:47.820 I was the one who got to tell you that the condos got canceled.

01:15:50.480 Oh, yeah.

01:15:50.860 You told me that.

01:15:51.860 So I was excited about that.

01:15:52.860 Before, before I get to that, though, I was triggered on your behalf.

01:15:56.980 Because the BBC, hold on.

01:15:59.880 This is going to be later.

01:16:00.780 You mean Hamas?

01:16:01.840 The BBC.

01:16:02.620 I'm already triggered.

01:16:03.460 Was doing a piece on Meghan Markle's new show.

01:16:07.200 Oh, God.

01:16:07.900 And how it's going to be a big hit.

01:16:10.160 And here's, this is the one that really I was like, you people need to be set on fire.

01:16:14.600 She goes, she's patting her show on the original domestic goddesses like Martha Stewart.

01:16:20.780 And I'm like, are you?

01:16:22.540 Well, they sell my trademark.

01:16:24.080 That's you.

01:16:24.400 That's you.

01:16:24.880 That's what you were known.

01:16:25.720 That was you.

01:16:26.200 That was your own stick.

01:16:27.240 That was your stick.

01:16:27.860 That big fat.

01:16:28.460 Nigella Lawson wrote a book, How to Be a Domestic Goddess.

01:16:31.820 Oh, she did.

01:16:32.220 Did she really?

01:16:33.080 I sued her.

01:16:33.780 That's my fucking trademark, whore.

01:16:36.040 And then she changed it to some other word.

01:16:37.940 Yeah, you won that one, I think.

01:16:38.980 Are you actually sued?

01:16:39.840 Yeah.

01:16:40.240 Yeah.

01:16:40.840 Okay, good.

01:16:41.840 They're all stealing domestic goddess from me, who I stole it from Helen B. Andalyn, How

01:16:48.560 to Be a Domestic Goddess in Fascinating Womanhood.

01:16:51.580 Yeah.

01:16:51.980 At least I thanked Helen B. Andalyn, because my mom used to read that book, you know, when

01:16:56.600 I was a little girl.

01:16:57.480 If this is anyone under the Helen B. Andalyn, you're stealing my bit.

01:17:01.480 My mom and her friends used to read Fascinating Womanhood in the living room.

01:17:06.640 And they had a little cabal there of the housewives.

01:17:10.660 And they, and I was appalled, because I was only like four or five.

01:17:15.460 And they had this one chapter in there, How to Be a Domestic Goddess.

01:17:18.840 And my sister was a big dyke, even though she, I guess I was six and she was one, but she's

01:17:25.160 already a big dyke at one, you know.

01:17:27.700 She had a belt loop on her diaper and shit.

01:17:31.100 And she greased her hair back.

01:17:34.200 No, she didn't.

01:17:35.380 But she always carried marbles.

01:17:37.040 Okay.

01:17:37.500 In a pouch.

01:17:39.300 My sister.

01:17:39.660 But anyway, she loved to beat up boys.

01:17:42.220 It was great.

01:17:43.280 But anyways, they were studying this, How to Be a Domestic Goddess.

01:17:47.580 And they'd read it out loud.

01:17:49.060 And they'd go, notice how your five or six-year-old daughter stamps her foot and shakes her curls.

01:17:56.720 And that will get her daddy to do anything for her.

01:18:00.740 Or you need to pattern that, because that's how you'll get your husband to buy you a blender.

01:18:07.780 And I remember I was only five, and I go, God, why don't you just get a job and buy your own blender?

01:18:12.200 Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, yeah.

01:18:13.580 And I was like, they all looked at me with that horrified look like, oh my God, you're not right.

01:18:20.820 But that's where Domestic Goddess came from.

01:18:23.560 You should get a signed copy of that book.

01:18:25.240 Oh, I have.

01:18:26.140 You have a signed copy?

01:18:26.980 Yes, and I met with her and thanked her and told her the story.

01:18:29.900 Did she sue you for treatment?

01:18:30.580 She's a lovely Mormon woman.

01:18:31.840 Did she sue you?

01:18:32.780 No, I always plug her book, and it still sells.

01:18:36.080 Oh, wow.

01:18:36.820 That's wonderful.

01:18:37.460 Fascinating womanhood.

01:18:38.340 Wait a minute.

01:18:38.840 So let's talk about this.

01:18:40.100 Holy shit.

01:18:41.300 You met with the woman who gave you the term Domestic Goddess?

01:18:45.640 Yeah.

01:18:45.900 Were you nervous?

01:18:46.340 Were you famous already?

01:18:47.280 Like, what happened?

01:18:47.820 Yeah, I was famous already.

01:18:49.820 And I just thanked her for giving me this.

01:18:52.000 How did you get this meeting set up?

01:18:53.400 I just was famous so I could get anyone's phone number.

01:18:56.500 Okay.

01:18:56.760 Like when I got Schwarzkopf phone number, and I used to do all those prank calls.

01:19:01.900 Yeah, that's true.

01:19:02.160 And Tom Arnold walked in when I was prank calling Schwarzkopf, General Schwarzkopf.

01:19:06.620 And he's like, good God fucking almighty, are you insane?

01:19:11.320 Of course I was.

01:19:11.760 This was during Desert Storm, too, wasn't it?

01:19:13.440 Yeah.

01:19:13.740 Yeah, he was busy.

01:19:14.640 And I was like, I was calling all these famous Hollywood guys, I've had your baby.

01:19:20.240 Hey, I'm in London, and remember the night we were in a hot tub together over in England

01:19:27.460 where I've had your baby.

01:19:29.540 And then my assistant would get on the phone, and she'd go, Daddy, when are you coming home?

01:19:38.800 We were having a blast.

01:19:41.240 And Tom walks in, he goes, you're not going to call General Schwarzkopf in the middle of

01:19:46.300 Desert Storm.

01:19:47.700 Hang that phone up right now.

01:19:50.240 You and Tammy, I loved her.

01:19:55.040 You guys would, they had, Mom had the best Rolodex, as you can imagine.

01:19:58.540 And that was a real Rolodex.

01:19:59.960 And they would go through and be like, let's call in.

01:20:01.920 We called Buddy Hackett every night.

01:20:03.320 You called Travolta, I think.

01:20:04.660 You called everybody.

01:20:05.500 Yeah, we crank called everybody.

01:20:06.540 What I do for a Rolodex.

01:20:07.060 Buddy Hackett was the best crank call ever.

01:20:09.940 You know what's amazing about this?

01:20:11.360 It's like, you come from Trailer Park, whatever, with Bill, right?

01:20:17.740 Maybe I can be funny.

01:20:18.720 Maybe I can make a few dollars on stand-up.

01:20:21.180 You start getting an audience.

01:20:22.820 You have a special that does really well.

01:20:24.440 It was at HBO, right?

01:20:25.640 Like, people have a following.

01:20:26.720 You've got some commercials for that.

01:20:27.860 Like, was that Ralph's?

01:20:28.760 Whatever.

01:20:29.760 Pizza Hut.

01:20:30.680 I won all the commercial awards.

01:20:32.200 You have your own show.

01:20:32.840 It's a huge success out of the gate.

01:20:34.900 You know, this is the dream.

01:20:36.100 What do you do?

01:20:36.580 It was the dream.

01:20:38.200 Hold on.

01:20:38.700 What do you do when you have this whole dream come true?

01:20:41.900 I know.

01:20:42.620 Let's call General Schwarzkopf and do a stupid London accent.

01:20:46.940 Like, that's what's amazing.

01:20:48.240 This is the payoff for you.

01:20:49.800 It was.

01:20:50.540 Crank calls.

01:20:51.240 Because my mom, when we were little, my mom, we used to do crank calls with my mom.

01:20:55.940 And we used to do fake robberies at the store with my mom.

01:20:59.240 Like, she'd go, go in there.

01:21:01.440 And we'd take squirt guns to AG Food Market around the corner.

01:21:05.480 And we'd go in there and we'd pay for it.

01:21:08.760 But we'd come out and act like we were robbing the store with our guns.

01:21:12.700 And my mom would be in the alley with the doors open.

01:21:15.320 And we'd jump in.

01:21:17.060 And she'd tear out of there.

01:21:18.520 So funny.

01:21:19.860 And we always did crank calls.

01:21:22.020 Like, we'd call people up and go, we'd call up everyone in the phone book named Fish.

01:21:28.400 And we'd go, is Goldie there?

01:21:31.280 So stupid.

01:21:33.660 Just stupid shit.

01:21:35.400 So it was always fun.

01:21:37.260 And when I got famous, I'm like, of course I want to do crank calls.

01:21:41.200 So I called up everybody.

01:21:42.720 Buddy Hackett, we called him every night.

01:21:44.880 He was the nicest celebrity to crank call.

01:21:48.440 Why is that?

01:21:49.120 Should we crank call a celebrity right now?

01:21:50.540 No, because now, when they put in that Star 69, my whole world was over.

01:21:56.600 Because I think I had called John Travolta.

01:21:59.080 And I hung up.

01:22:00.660 And then the phone rang.

01:22:01.800 And I answered.

01:22:02.400 And it goes, Star 69.

01:22:04.100 And I was in trouble.

01:22:05.660 I'm like, oh, fuck.

01:22:06.800 Because I just had a baby.

01:22:08.840 And I'm like, oh, fuck.

01:22:10.120 I can't do this again.

01:22:11.480 I love how she's had a kid.

01:22:12.700 This is her priority.

01:22:14.420 Frank calling John Travolta.

01:22:15.900 It was.

01:22:16.320 They would do this every night.

01:22:18.260 It was awesome.

01:22:18.800 That was so fun.

01:22:19.780 It was great theater.

01:22:20.420 I had everyone's number.

01:22:22.260 Barbara Streisand.

01:22:23.400 I call her up.

01:22:24.840 Hello, Bobs.

01:22:26.740 You know.

01:22:27.500 It was awful.

01:22:28.440 Do you want to hear my impression of Barbara Streisand?

01:22:31.000 Oh, yeah.

01:22:31.440 On the tonight show.

01:22:32.280 Burger!

01:22:32.920 I'm a dumb leftist.

01:22:34.800 Oh, that's now.

01:22:36.240 I know.

01:22:37.200 Now, mine was.

01:22:38.280 I know.

01:22:38.700 I'd like to give you my impression of Miss Barbara Streisand.

01:22:42.100 I think she's very talented and seems like a nice person.

01:22:47.380 But she doesn't seem like a nice person.

01:22:49.080 She never did.

01:22:50.360 She was so nice to me.

01:22:51.920 Really?

01:22:52.240 I loved her.

01:22:53.300 She was a lovely gal.

01:22:55.120 I went to her wedding.

01:22:56.300 I love her.

01:22:57.200 I know several people who worked with her.

01:22:58.760 They said the meanness just emanated from every pore.

01:23:01.360 No, she's just shy.

01:23:04.600 No, she's not.

01:23:05.380 No, I know her.

01:23:06.580 I went alligator hunting with her and all the police in New Orleans.

01:23:11.840 Right.

01:23:12.060 So, yeah.

01:23:12.640 She's a sweet girl that is very shy.

01:23:17.180 And she, you know, doesn't want people.

01:23:21.280 She reacts to people like.

01:23:24.360 You know, they're tearing at her.

01:23:27.280 Yeah.

01:23:27.800 They're in her driveway.

01:23:29.340 She's shy.

01:23:30.300 But she's a beautiful, beautiful, who cares how she is?

01:23:35.960 Listen to her sing.

01:23:37.440 My dad used to listen to Bab sing and tears would be running down his face.

01:23:43.160 My dad, you know, he was a maniac.

01:23:46.160 But she made him cry and he'd go, not bad for a Jewish girl.

01:23:53.840 And the other one that made him cry was the opera singer.

01:24:00.720 What?

01:24:00.920 My dad loved opera.

01:24:02.400 Well, my fucking dad crazy.

01:24:04.540 What are you callous?

01:24:05.520 No.

01:24:06.420 Luciano.

01:24:07.640 You know.

01:24:08.840 The guy.

01:24:10.180 Luciano Pavarotti.

01:24:11.100 Yeah.

01:24:12.660 Oh, my God.

01:24:13.460 You weren't even.

01:24:14.020 You didn't get one letter.

01:24:15.600 And I figured it out.

01:24:16.780 Yeah.

01:24:17.060 How did you get that?

01:24:18.000 Like, am I learning how to speak boomer?

01:24:20.560 I'm speaking boomer now.

01:24:21.960 Like, I could translate Roseanne to English.

01:24:24.860 This is amazing.

01:24:25.680 I don't know names anymore.

01:24:27.160 I used to.

01:24:28.160 Okay.

01:24:28.380 But the older you get, it's hard to remember names.

01:24:31.360 Okay, Mr. President.

01:24:32.520 Luciano Pavarotti.

01:24:33.920 Yes.

01:24:34.460 But this one girlfriend of mine fucked him.

01:24:37.060 She was a makeup and hair gal.

01:24:39.240 And she told me that Pavarotti, she was having an affair with him.

01:24:42.540 I won't even go into, but he's disgusting.

01:24:44.900 Well, go into it.

01:24:45.660 Yeah.

01:24:46.000 I want to hear.

01:24:46.520 Was he, like, freaky?

01:24:48.960 Yeah.

01:24:49.860 Well, I'll get sued.

01:24:51.140 No, you won't.

01:24:51.820 Allegedly.

01:24:52.220 Well, she said allegedly that he sent her a note with Rose's.

01:24:57.520 I left a memento of our love on the bed.

01:25:01.400 Was it a turd?

01:25:02.300 A load?

01:25:02.800 No.

01:25:03.440 Yeah.

01:25:04.200 Okay.

01:25:04.460 He left a load on, a napkin on the bed.

01:25:07.120 Well, that's nice, man.

01:25:07.960 That's fine.

01:25:08.560 Yeah.

01:25:08.860 It is?

01:25:09.460 I do that all the time.

01:25:10.380 That's vomitous to me.

01:25:12.000 You just gave me my money in a diaper.

01:25:13.780 Let's calm down.

01:25:16.500 It's a very good point.

01:25:18.880 If a guy ever said that, me and I went home and there was a frigging loaded.

01:25:23.760 You were fucking Tom Arnold.

01:25:25.620 That is true.

01:25:26.460 That's what Sue Menger said, dude.

01:25:28.920 Did you ever hear that story?

01:25:30.160 No.

01:25:30.180 What?

01:25:31.360 It is the greatest Sue Menger's.

01:25:33.540 Love her.

01:25:35.120 She was my mom.

01:25:37.700 And she goes, listen, Jake, go get me a cigarette.

01:25:41.220 I'm out.

01:25:41.500 Where's your cigarette?

01:25:42.240 In my bedroom.

01:25:42.780 Maybe it's a, okay.

01:25:44.320 She's sitting there because all she did was smoke, especially after she got after over lung

01:25:48.740 cancer of the throat.

01:25:50.020 And I'm going, you're fucking still smoking.

01:25:52.840 She goes, what else am I going to do?

01:25:56.780 We're sitting there in our house watching the OJ trial and we're faxing shit to Carrie

01:26:02.180 Fisher to send to the prosecutors, especially when they did, if it does not fit, you must

01:26:09.300 acquit.

01:26:09.820 Right.

01:26:09.940 So we did all these rhymes, you're full of shit and stuff.

01:26:14.200 And we send it to, what's his name?

01:26:16.200 We love, we love them.

01:26:17.460 Anyway, he still got off.

01:26:19.820 But anyways, she's sitting there in our house smoking one after another.

01:26:24.560 And I was bitching to her about what a prick Tom Arnold turned out to be.

01:26:30.620 And she goes, listen, and how much I had to pay him.

01:26:34.100 She goes, listen, let's be real.

01:26:38.260 She's about 80.

01:26:40.880 Let's be real.

01:26:44.120 He got it up for you.

01:26:47.320 And at the time, you are not as, shall we say, gorgeous as you are now.

01:26:53.100 You owe him millions.

01:26:56.100 Oh my.

01:26:58.800 What did you say?

01:27:00.160 I just laughed.

01:27:01.600 Oh.

01:27:03.100 You owe him millions, he got it up for you.

01:27:09.920 That's what's so funny is people don't realize how short you are.

01:27:12.940 So when you look at those photos, it looks like someone who's like 5'9", I guess.

01:27:16.960 How tall are you, 5'4"?

01:27:17.520 Because I'm so fat.

01:27:19.000 It's because I'm as tall as I am one.

01:27:21.400 Yeah.

01:27:21.660 As you look at it, you're like 5'3", right?

01:27:24.660 You're like a little.

01:27:25.480 I'm 5'2 1⁄2".

01:27:26.700 Yeah, you're like a little sphere.

01:27:28.100 Yeah, I am a ball.

01:27:29.700 Ball of confusion.

01:27:32.440 That's what the world is today, the Isley Brothers.

01:27:35.780 She's got to be wearing out.

01:27:36.780 Yeah, we are.

01:27:37.360 I just had to say, we were leading into the fact that now people treat you different,

01:27:41.600 that you're a legend status now.

01:27:43.200 What's that?

01:27:43.400 I want to know what that's like.

01:27:44.200 Yeah.

01:27:44.540 She's oblivious to it.

01:27:45.900 She doesn't know.

01:27:46.940 That's what the thing.

01:27:47.700 We got to...

01:27:48.100 I'm just me.

01:27:48.620 I don't know what the fuck.

01:27:49.760 People come up to me at the Nutty Brown there.

01:27:54.200 What the Nutty?

01:27:54.820 H-E-B in Texas.

01:27:55.860 H-E-B here in Texas.

01:27:57.580 They're just nice.

01:27:59.080 She doesn't understand.

01:27:59.700 People are just nice.

01:28:00.460 They'll go, ma'am, would you like me to get that pasta on the top shelf for you?

01:28:05.340 Thank you, sir.

01:28:06.580 I mean, they're so nice.

01:28:07.520 Well, it's Texas.

01:28:08.220 They're all nice like that to everybody, but when they recognize her, they know to back

01:28:12.340 off, and then when they do come up, it is the nicest.

01:28:15.520 Oh, they're so nice to me.

01:28:17.120 I brag to all my friends.

01:28:18.260 Of course.

01:28:19.020 Yeah.

01:28:19.880 Really?

01:28:21.060 Yeah.

01:28:21.540 Are you crazy?

01:28:21.960 I don't know.

01:28:22.780 Hannah always says to her every day, you need to remember who the fuck you are.

01:28:26.340 We tell her this every day.

01:28:27.660 She doesn't forget it.

01:28:28.260 But I don't think she ever thought she was Roseanne.

01:28:30.460 No, I think she's got a huge ego.

01:28:33.140 But it's also this huge sense of humility.

01:28:34.920 This is so fascinating.

01:28:35.840 It is.

01:28:36.300 Well, she's a walking fucking contradiction.

01:28:39.420 She's the most.

01:28:40.180 When I was on my show, there's just all these things.

01:28:41.620 No, I think I did good work.

01:28:44.120 I mean, I love that people like my work and that my work was successful, but they probably

01:28:49.340 wouldn't like me if they knew me.

01:28:50.880 I'm nothing but a bitch.

01:28:52.140 I'm nothing but a loud, goddamn opinionated, nosy Jew bitch.

01:28:56.320 That's what they like about you.

01:28:56.880 They wouldn't like me.

01:28:57.860 You're not a bitch, though.

01:28:59.000 No, you're not.

01:28:59.560 At all.

01:28:59.780 You're actually very nice in person.

01:29:00.520 Sorry.

01:29:01.040 Well, I try to be nice.

01:29:02.420 I fake like I'm nice.

01:29:03.700 No, you're not faking it.

01:29:05.440 I think it's true.

01:29:06.320 Wait, so was she ever like, don't you know who I am?

01:29:09.360 No.

01:29:09.860 The one time she ever was an asshole, famous asshole, was...

01:29:13.920 Because I've done that.

01:29:14.640 When?

01:29:15.000 No, you've never done that.

01:29:16.880 I don't even know if this is a good story, but I just still have trauma.

01:29:19.660 When was I an asshole?

01:29:20.760 We went to a restaurant.

01:29:21.900 It was you and me.

01:29:22.440 We were going to have like mother, son.

01:29:24.160 Well, that was just being a regular asshole.

01:29:26.580 Yeah, but it was like, we went to Third Street Promo to have lunch.

01:29:29.080 She was number one.

01:29:30.780 And the lady's like...

01:29:31.420 In LA?

01:29:31.840 Yeah.

01:29:32.240 And the lady, the hostess comes out, and she's like, how many?

01:29:35.320 And my mom, instead of just going two, she was like, let's see.

01:29:40.000 One, two.

01:29:42.300 To me.

01:29:43.360 To the poor hostess.

01:29:44.540 But there could be the third person who's not there.

01:29:46.100 Well, that's what I try to tell mom.

01:29:47.160 Yeah.

01:29:47.300 Like, they have to ask.

01:29:48.120 But she was so offended.

01:29:49.320 But that wasn't even...

01:29:50.100 Well, they're stupid.

01:29:50.480 That wasn't really a celebrity thing.

01:29:51.860 Yeah.

01:29:52.200 But she was an asshole.

01:29:53.340 That's...

01:29:53.540 No, she never...

01:29:54.360 Well, I am an asshole, but it's not because I'm famous.

01:29:55.660 She never did that.

01:29:57.260 Sometimes she'll be like...

01:29:58.140 It's just that when they do stupid shit, I can't stand it.

01:30:00.260 No, sometimes people go, who are you?

01:30:02.020 What's your name?

01:30:02.520 There's two people standing there.

01:30:03.760 How many?

01:30:05.180 Roseanne, they agree with someone parking the car.

01:30:06.340 They have to.

01:30:06.680 Yeah, they don't know.

01:30:07.500 But sometimes people go, what is your name?

01:30:09.340 And she does get a little...

01:30:10.300 She's like, Roseanne Barr.

01:30:12.240 She'll do that.

01:30:12.800 That's fun.

01:30:13.040 And then they go, who?

01:30:13.960 Yeah.

01:30:14.580 That's fun.

01:30:15.380 Rosie O'Donnell.

01:30:16.380 Yeah.

01:30:16.620 She did that the other day.

01:30:17.160 Yeah, they always think I'm Rosie O'Donnell.

01:30:18.560 That just happened to you last week.

01:30:19.920 She ran off to fucking Ireland.

01:30:21.120 Did you see that?

01:30:22.360 You've heard of...

01:30:23.000 She's trying not to get caught for her shady activities.

01:30:24.860 Have you heard of the Irish potato famine?

01:30:27.560 Well, get ready for the Irish everything family.

01:30:31.660 I thought she ran over there because the Irish loves the Hamas.

01:30:35.680 She ran over there because she tweeted a lot of anti-Semitic fucking bullshit.

01:30:41.260 So she had to go to Ireland where they're all Hamas over there where they're fucking...

01:30:45.720 They're still IRA over in fucking Ireland.

01:30:49.060 God damn it.

01:30:50.700 Too bad because I love it over there.

01:30:52.780 So when I get recognized...

01:30:53.940 Sometimes that happens to me, right?

01:30:55.300 I'm not Roseanne famous, but I'm more famous than you realize.

01:30:58.460 And I was at the airport here in Austin.

01:31:01.660 And it's the part where you have the passport and the ticket.

01:31:04.500 Yeah.

01:31:04.620 And there was a guy there and lady behind him.

01:31:06.040 He's like, hey, I love your work.

01:31:07.540 And she goes, who is he?

01:31:09.120 I go, oh, I'm the guy who shot a pulse.

01:31:11.080 And he laughs.

01:31:14.500 And she just waves through.

01:31:15.980 And in fact, that happened to me on Hinge.

01:31:18.520 I matched with this chick.

01:31:19.600 She thought it was a catfish.

01:31:21.220 Let's have dinner.

01:31:22.400 And I'm like, when people recognize me, I'm the guy who shot a pulse.

01:31:27.480 And she goes, dude, what the fuck?

01:31:29.180 Like, exclamation parts, question mark, like a whole thing.

01:31:32.360 And I'm like, you know who I am.

01:31:33.440 Like, how is this?

01:31:34.060 And I'm like, all right.

01:31:34.900 I might as well double down.

01:31:36.280 And I go, wait, was it you?

01:31:40.360 Unmatched.

01:31:41.140 I can only imagine Michael Miles on a dating app.

01:31:44.160 I mean, I'm just reading this shit.

01:31:45.420 I should go on that.

01:31:45.440 What's it called, Hinge?

01:31:46.540 Yes.

01:31:47.120 I would love to read your DM someday.

01:31:48.880 Would you ever let me do that as your friend?

01:31:50.240 They're not that interesting.

01:31:51.140 I have a hard time believing that.

01:31:52.800 I follow you.

01:31:54.640 You troll.

01:31:55.560 You know what you are as a troll?

01:31:57.120 That's what Jake explained to me.

01:31:58.500 Yeah, she was like, explain.

01:31:59.520 He's a troll.

01:31:59.820 I go, what is he doing?

01:32:02.100 He's the greatest troll of all time.

01:32:03.740 And Jake goes, he's the most intellectual expert next to Noam Chomsky in the world,

01:32:08.820 who I love Noam Chomsky, except for his fucking Epstein shit I don't like him for.

01:32:14.900 And, you know, he's a fucking Hamas.

01:32:17.280 But I'm like, what?

01:32:19.480 Malice that I know is smart?

01:32:21.340 I didn't know he was smart.

01:32:22.280 He's smart, famous, and well-respected.

01:32:23.480 I hang out with him, but he doesn't even know anything about Judaism.

01:32:26.400 He knows a lot.

01:32:27.460 I have to teach him about Judaism all the time.

01:32:28.600 Yeah, I didn't know Vashti was trans.

01:32:30.740 I told you Vashti was trans.

01:32:32.520 I brought that up.

01:32:33.440 I thought I just said it.

01:32:34.260 He doesn't want to get into that stuff too much.

01:32:36.700 We can get into it.

01:32:37.600 I don't want to do that to you.

01:32:38.840 I don't care.

01:32:40.120 Listen, I love you.

01:32:41.040 No, you listen.

01:32:42.120 I love you.

01:32:44.040 And I'm so glad that you are famous and a, what do you call it?

01:32:48.660 Not an insulter.

01:32:50.060 Troll.

01:32:50.620 A troll and an influencer.

01:32:52.380 And you're putting the shit out there that America needs to hear about how shitty communism is.

01:32:58.360 It's true.

01:32:59.120 It's true.

01:32:59.620 They better fucking wise up before they, they're all fucking commies.

01:33:03.880 I can't stand it.

01:33:05.160 Yeah.

01:33:05.840 Right?

01:33:06.380 Yes.

01:33:06.780 I wrote a book about it.

01:33:07.680 This is KGB bullshit.

01:33:10.460 I don't know about that.

01:33:11.840 It is.

01:33:12.560 I don't know about that.

01:33:13.360 It's all KGB.

01:33:14.960 Can I ask you a question with the USAID stuff?

01:33:19.340 Have you, obviously you've followed it.

01:33:21.000 Does that vindicate you on any level?

01:33:22.500 Are you excited about it?

01:33:23.180 Or do you think it's not enough?

01:33:24.120 Cause I know you're like a anarchist and shit.

01:33:26.860 Like the USAID for, for me was like, yes, we finally proved it.

01:33:30.220 You're an anarchist, but I'll tell you.

01:33:31.960 No, but I mean, do you feel like this is proven?

01:33:33.820 Roseanne wants to answer for me.

01:33:34.400 Go ahead, Roseanne.

01:33:34.940 No, you answer.

01:33:35.780 No, but like, I wonder for Michael Malice when this stuff's breaking.

01:33:38.380 Cause you obviously already knew it.

01:33:40.060 Yeah.

01:33:40.220 I'll tell you.

01:33:40.820 For me, it was awesome.

01:33:42.140 But is it old happening?

01:33:42.880 There's two, there's two things happening at once.

01:33:45.800 What's that?

01:33:47.000 I'm about to tell you, Roseanne.

01:33:48.420 This isn't, we're going to cut to commercial.

01:33:49.920 All right.

01:33:50.420 I'm not leaving you with the fucking.

01:33:51.440 You made fun of me cause I said my YouTube ratings are not good.

01:33:55.540 Yes.

01:33:56.680 Cause they're views.

01:33:57.040 And I made fun of it correctly.

01:33:58.740 Cause ratings is not a thing.

01:33:59.780 It's not ratings.

01:34:00.200 Your ratings are actually very good.

01:34:01.600 I get it.

01:34:02.120 You don't get it.

01:34:02.960 She still doesn't get it.

01:34:03.760 I don't get it.

01:34:04.060 She doesn't get it.

01:34:05.020 Your views are down.

01:34:06.120 Your ratings are good.

01:34:06.780 We're 4.8 or 4.9 in Apple.

01:34:08.840 People like the show.

01:34:10.380 Nobody watches it.

01:34:11.180 But those aren't ratings like Nielsen ratings.

01:34:12.880 No.

01:34:13.020 They're just like Yelp.

01:34:15.140 People like the show.

01:34:16.640 So anyway.

01:34:17.140 Wait, wait, wait.

01:34:17.640 I'm sorry.

01:34:18.240 I realized what you meant.

01:34:19.060 Oh, AID.

01:34:19.860 USAID.

01:34:20.300 Okay.

01:34:20.400 So there's two things happening at once.

01:34:22.160 Okay.

01:34:22.540 Is it USAID or USAID?

01:34:24.300 Who cares?

01:34:24.980 Okay.

01:34:25.660 USAID.

01:34:26.180 There was this show.

01:34:27.080 Jake?

01:34:27.700 There was a.

01:34:28.760 It's gone.

01:34:30.560 There was this.

01:34:31.480 Yeah.

01:34:32.080 You want a beer?

01:34:33.700 No, I don't like beer.

01:34:35.040 Go for it.

01:34:35.900 Is this the rest of mine?

01:34:37.080 Yeah, I'll take the rest of yours.

01:34:38.820 Sorry.

01:34:39.180 There was this show once called Russian Dolls.

01:34:44.300 I remember that show.

01:34:45.300 It's not that one you're thinking of.

01:34:46.660 It's about Brighton Beach.

01:34:47.640 It was like the Russian Jewish community in Brooklyn.

01:34:50.800 It was a reality show.

01:34:52.420 And there was this one scene where it was in a, I think they're getting their nails done,

01:34:56.440 a mom and a daughter.

01:34:57.720 And the daughter goes, because she was having trouble figuring out what she wanted to major

01:35:01.820 in.

01:35:02.760 And she goes, Mom, I took an aptitude test and I figured out what I'm good at.

01:35:06.340 I'm going to go pre-law.

01:35:07.700 I'm going to be a lawyer.

01:35:08.480 Like, I'm glad I finally figured out what I want to do.

01:35:10.620 And the first thing out of her mom's mouth, Russian mom, is how are you going to pay for it?

01:35:13.420 And the girl has this, like, breakdown, which if you're not from a Russian household, makes

01:35:17.560 no sense.

01:35:19.100 I'm like, I see you because every single positive thing in this girl's life, the first reaction

01:35:24.820 from mom is pulling the rug out.

01:35:26.400 Well, don't get too excited.

01:35:27.440 Oh, I had a great first date.

01:35:28.380 Oh, you don't know if you're going to marry me.

01:35:29.420 I just want dad to have a good first date.

01:35:31.560 Like, everything has to, and I had to grow up with a lot of that.

01:35:33.940 It's very, very difficult.

01:35:34.600 So, why I bring that up is all of these things are enormous wins.

01:35:40.220 And I hate being the guy who's like, kids don't have too much fun at the party.

01:35:44.240 Right.

01:35:44.560 But these are drops in the bucket.

01:35:46.060 I agree.

01:35:46.960 The budget is what, like $6 trillion or some crazy number.

01:35:50.440 So, even when we cut $1 trillion, whatever, we're not even back to the budget where it

01:35:54.640 was where Trump was president.

01:35:55.860 Right.

01:35:56.260 So, I hate being the guy who's like, don't get too excited because this is the first

01:36:00.640 time there have been cuts like this ever, and they are great, but keep the context in

01:36:06.540 mind.

01:36:06.900 And I think people are receptive to that because they're like, it's going to be a long

01:36:09.980 issue.

01:36:10.540 You can't expect anyone to solve this in three months, and that's fair.

01:36:13.460 I'm just saying take the wins, but just like, this is the first quarter, literally, of his

01:36:17.920 turn.

01:36:19.780 Don't start spiking the football yet.

01:36:21.540 No, I don't think we are, but I'm just wondering if you were enjoying it.

01:36:24.160 I have a Twitter thread, and I'm going to do a book about this shortly.

01:36:29.040 And every day, it's a new headline.

01:36:30.640 Of, like, winning.

01:36:31.460 Yeah.

01:36:31.700 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:36:32.300 It's been nonstop.

01:36:34.020 But I'm not really sure yet what's happening.

01:36:36.960 Do you know what else is interesting?

01:36:38.020 What?

01:36:38.440 I said this, and I thought people were going to push back at me, and no one did.

01:36:41.580 I said it on Gutfeld, and the whole panel's like, yeah, you're right.

01:36:43.880 I said, there's a lot of people in the Democratic Party and the Democratic base who would love

01:36:49.220 to return to a COVID-style regime.

01:36:51.120 Yeah.

01:36:51.600 And everyone's like, yep.

01:36:53.000 100%.

01:36:53.320 No one disagreed.

01:36:54.280 No.

01:36:54.360 I thought they'd be like, you're crazy.

01:36:55.600 They're like, nope, you're absolutely right.

01:36:56.620 Yeah, because that's Stalinism.

01:36:57.780 They want it.

01:36:58.440 Yeah.

01:36:58.700 That was their Woodstock, really.

01:37:00.080 That was their best moment of their life.

01:37:03.100 They were like, we fucking did it.

01:37:04.620 The trans are Stalinists.

01:37:06.920 The trans.

01:37:08.040 Yeah, they're all fucking Stalinists.

01:37:09.320 She's like, don't say the Jews.

01:37:11.100 I don't think.

01:37:11.400 I mean, who?

01:37:12.840 I mean, there's a crazy trans.

01:37:13.740 Trans activists.

01:37:14.900 The activists, of course.

01:37:15.940 Yeah, they're Stalinists.

01:37:16.820 They're Maoists.

01:37:17.580 Yes.

01:37:18.000 Yeah.

01:37:19.880 That's terrifying.

01:37:21.020 Yes.

01:37:21.860 And they have impunity, total impunity.

01:37:23.640 Not anymore.

01:37:24.520 I hope not.

01:37:25.420 Not anymore.

01:37:27.280 Not anymore.

01:37:27.940 Were you turned on when Trump was yelling at the main governor?

01:37:32.460 Loved it.

01:37:33.020 Of course you did, yeah.

01:37:34.940 Loved it.

01:37:35.940 I did, too.

01:37:36.700 How could you not?

01:37:37.680 I beat a bitch ass, you know?

01:37:39.980 She come in here telling me what it's like to be a woman when she's never had fucking hemorrhoids

01:37:45.520 from giving birth to a 10-pounder like I did with Jake.

01:37:48.440 It's like hemorrhoids fucking six inches out of my asshole.

01:37:52.260 Yeah.

01:37:52.960 Her butt came out like an onion.

01:37:54.380 My whole anus came out.

01:37:56.180 Are you picturing it right now?

01:37:56.800 And none of these bitches have anything like that.

01:37:58.440 I have a whole joke about Matthew Shepard being like Anne Frank with a prolapse that

01:38:02.920 wrecked him.

01:38:04.920 What's the joke?

01:38:06.040 That's the joke.

01:38:06.680 They made a secular statement at him.

01:38:08.060 He was like Anne Frank with a prolapse in his.

01:38:10.980 You don't like that?

01:38:12.140 You know who that was, Matthew Shepard?

01:38:13.820 I do.

01:38:14.080 And I'm like considering it's one of those things that is so darkly funny that I'm going

01:38:21.320 to have to roll it over in my mind because you are a terrible person.

01:38:29.700 I agree.

01:38:30.160 You're a terrible person, but I can't wait to see you do stand-up.

01:38:34.360 Okay.

01:38:34.620 I'll do it for you.

01:38:35.100 Because I have heard some of your jokes because you did tell me, and I can't wait.

01:38:40.260 I want to fix it so that it goes perfectly like this.

01:38:47.260 What an honor.

01:38:47.960 It's a craft, but this might be the way to get you back to the mothership, too.

01:38:50.760 You do it at the mothership, I assume.

01:38:52.920 Well, yes.

01:38:53.520 That's right.

01:38:53.900 Yeah.

01:38:54.060 Because they take your phones.

01:38:56.080 Yeah.

01:38:56.280 They do?

01:38:56.820 Yeah.

01:38:57.040 They lock phones because I don't want to get my life ruined.

01:38:59.120 No, it will.

01:38:59.960 Especially I've heard some of the jokes.

01:39:01.400 Yeah.

01:39:02.320 No.

01:39:02.720 I want to see you do it.

01:39:03.740 I'll do it.

01:39:04.080 I want to see how it hits an audience.

01:39:05.720 I don't like it.

01:39:06.580 Because they're ready for something different and big and new with a crook in its leg.

01:39:11.900 I'll come back for dinner sometime.

01:39:13.720 Okay.

01:39:14.120 Because it's been forever since I've seen you guys.

01:39:15.720 Yeah.

01:39:15.920 We miss you.

01:39:16.580 And I'll have the whole set, and I'll do it.

01:39:18.320 Okay.

01:39:18.520 And we'll record it.

01:39:19.400 I want to hear every note because everything you say is going to be good advice.

01:39:23.560 How long do you have now?

01:39:24.840 Like 15 minutes.

01:39:26.720 You should.

01:39:28.240 15?

01:39:28.680 I want to hear it.

01:39:29.380 I don't even know.

01:39:30.060 Because I think if you've got 15, what that means, you have seven.

01:39:34.400 No, I think I've got, it's like 20 pages.

01:39:36.940 Really?

01:39:37.300 I want to see it then.

01:39:37.360 I'll do it.

01:39:38.120 It's long.

01:39:39.200 I can't wait to see it.

01:39:40.620 Okay.

01:39:40.860 I can't wait to show it to you.

01:39:41.580 I'm fascinated by you.

01:39:43.260 I love spending time with you.

01:39:45.300 I'm never bored with you.

01:39:46.940 You are one in a million.

01:39:49.460 Oh, that's great.

01:39:49.720 You're a very interesting person.

01:39:52.380 And I see why you're more famous than I ever thought.

01:39:56.600 I'm not Roseanne famous.

01:39:58.420 Let's have some context here.

01:39:59.180 Well, no one is.

01:40:00.360 But still, you are a delight.

01:40:04.000 And thank you so much for being on today.

01:40:06.380 Oh, this is such a privilege, of course.

01:40:08.080 It's your second time.

01:40:09.180 And he was like, you're like our second or third guest.

01:40:11.400 This is now 91 or 92, I think, is our episode.

01:40:15.780 It's fucking awesome to have you back.

01:40:18.020 Yeah, well, you've even talked about the Conner's being canceled.

01:40:20.200 I'm by your piece of meat.

01:40:21.060 Thanks for letting me know.

01:40:22.120 Is it really canceled?

01:40:23.200 I think they're doing a final season.

01:40:24.820 But it's the end.

01:40:25.700 It's a six-episode final season.

01:40:27.660 I can't wait to see that.

01:40:29.320 You know, I laughed my ass off when Goodman broke his hip and his house burned.

01:40:33.500 You did?

01:40:34.240 I did.

01:40:35.160 That's terrible of me.

01:40:36.080 No, it's not terrible.

01:40:36.720 I had to repent on Purim for thinking those terrible thoughts.

01:40:40.760 I was waiting.

01:40:41.560 I had a line ready for you because I was waiting for you to tell me, don't quit your day job.

01:40:45.760 And I could be like, you quit your day job so hard they killed you off.

01:40:51.100 That is a good line.

01:40:52.240 I was over it.

01:40:53.460 That's a good line.

01:40:54.360 No, it is a good line.

01:40:55.640 But I was over it that night when I figured out what they were doing.

01:41:00.700 I'm like, you know what?

01:41:01.680 I'm going out with a bomb-ass bomb tweet about the fucking Obama goddamn anti-Sammite motherfuckers.

01:41:09.220 Put it for the book.

01:41:10.260 Okay.

01:41:11.180 I mean, the Muslim Brotherhood is the number one enemy of America right now.

01:41:15.820 And nobody's talking about it.

01:41:16.840 And they're all in control.

01:41:18.260 Well, yeah, obviously, because you can't talk about it.

01:41:20.020 In control of everything, talking about APAC.

01:41:22.460 Yeah.

01:41:23.400 Fucking paying off everybody.

01:41:25.940 Hey, whatever.

01:41:26.860 Well, that's another show.

01:41:28.540 Whatever.

01:41:29.780 So you see, my patience is running thin.

01:41:37.220 In this synthetic bullshit world, we're living in.

01:41:47.240 Hey, thank you, Michael.

01:41:48.880 I'm just going to have to grab my crotch now.

01:41:50.700 And spit on the American flag.

01:41:53.040 Remember they said you did that?

01:41:54.680 I know you didn't.

01:41:55.720 That's just another Roseanne famous moment where they got it wrong.

01:42:01.180 You know.

01:42:01.660 They get it wrong every time.

01:42:03.520 They'll always get it wrong.

01:42:05.100 And I won't never give up.

01:42:07.960 Good.

01:42:08.480 Exactly.

01:42:08.880 Exactly.

01:42:09.860 Oh, you see, my patience is growing thin.

01:42:17.240 With the synthetic world, we're living in.

01:42:26.880 You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad heard only in Canada.

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The Roseanne Barr Podcast - March 28, 2025

Bit＊h Better Have My Money W⧸ Michael Malice ｜ The Roseanne Barr Podcast #092

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