The Roseanne Barr Podcast - Jeff Dye ｜ The Roseanne Barr Podcast #080

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00:01:01.600 Greetings, earthlings, humans, nephilums, what's the other one, Jake?

00:01:07.240 Anunnaki. 0.64

00:01:08.140 Anunnaki, clones, what else you got, whatever. 1.00

00:01:13.900 People from the Philippines, I don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:01:16.940 Welcome to the Roseanne. 1.00

00:01:18.220 Oh, and, of course, animals who are by far the most intelligent life form on this planet

00:01:24.440 because they don't need to bullshit themselves, unlike the human species and all related life forms.

00:01:31.560 Welcome to the Roseanne Barr Podcast.

00:01:33.760 Oh, you see, my patience is growing thin.

00:01:40.060 Hey, everybody, we got a b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-banger show today.

00:01:45.140 I'm so excited because I'm sick of talking politics, and I'm sure you are, too.

00:01:50.780 I'm sick of talking about God and redemption. 0.97

00:01:53.800 That gets fucking old. 0.97

00:01:55.240 And I'm happier than hell to be talking about comedy, the God-given craft of comedy. 0.98

00:02:03.680 And I have a great comic with me who I met on the Greg Gutfeld show.

00:02:09.200 Mazel tov to the Greg Gutfeld family on the arrival of a beautiful baby girl.

00:02:15.280 That's wonderful.

00:02:16.920 Anyway, here we are with a comic favorite of mine, Jeff Dye.

00:02:22.660 Hi, Jeff.

00:02:23.460 Thank you, thank you.

00:02:24.720 I love what you've done with the place.

00:02:26.820 Thank you for wearing the gold shoes with the gold hats.

00:02:29.440 It's my Trump shoes.

00:02:30.880 Look it.

00:02:31.260 Yeah, I was very impressed with this Christmas outfit.

00:02:35.640 Do you think the T is for Trump or for trolling?

00:02:39.180 Do you think the T stands for I'm trolling everybody with my new Trump shoes?

00:02:42.640 It's kind of that.

00:02:43.620 Yeah, it feels good.

00:02:44.540 T or Tesla.

00:02:45.520 Oh, I love that. 0.83

00:02:46.420 Tesla Trump troll. 0.62

00:02:47.680 It's good for a good victory lap, you know?

00:02:49.400 That's what these shoes are good for. 0.99

00:02:50.680 I'm taking a son of a bitch of a victory lap. 0.99

00:02:53.560 I am so happy. 1.00

00:02:54.940 Me too.

00:02:55.380 Oh, I try not to rub it in everybody's face, but it's hard.

00:02:58.600 It's hard not to.

00:02:59.220 Yeah.

00:02:59.740 It's been so long since we got to win, you know?

00:03:01.980 And now we're winning.

00:03:03.080 It feels like it just keeps coming, you know?

00:03:04.620 It's been very nice.

00:03:05.820 Isn't it great?

00:03:06.740 Yeah. 1.00

00:03:06.940 Isn't it great to see the woke just crying and fucking feeling like shit? 1.00

00:03:13.600 Yeah, they are throwing a fit. 1.00

00:03:15.040 Yeah, they're like temper tantrums on Instagram.

00:03:17.200 I'm just giggling, you know?

00:03:18.540 I told Joe this too, but I literally, like, after Trump won the election, the next morning

00:03:24.100 I woke up, it felt kind of like the pressure had popped, you know?

00:03:27.060 Yeah.

00:03:27.600 Even on both sides, no one's campaigning anymore.

00:03:29.960 It's just settled.

00:03:30.860 Thank God, yeah.

00:03:31.500 There's no more.

00:03:32.080 You don't have to have arguments anymore.

00:03:33.760 Right.

00:03:34.000 It's just, whether you like it or you don't, it's over.

00:03:36.400 So there's kind of this peace.

00:03:37.820 And before I turned on my phone from Do Not Disturb and before I opened my email or Instagram,

00:03:42.400 I remember just sitting there going, probably going to lose some friends today.

00:03:46.840 Like, this is going to be tough, you know?

00:03:48.580 Like, just watching everybody and my replies.

00:03:51.280 But it was great.

00:03:52.120 I feel great.

00:03:52.420 Did you lose friends?

00:03:53.260 No, luckily I didn't.

00:03:54.880 That's cool.

00:03:55.480 I was like, I don't know how I'm going to be able to deal with this without looking like

00:04:00.660 I'm rubbing it in or look like I'm celebrating too hard.

00:04:03.380 I just didn't mention it to the people in my family.

00:04:06.300 I didn't say one word.

00:04:07.680 Yeah, that's good.

00:04:08.560 I just gloated in private.

00:04:10.120 You're a good winner.

00:04:10.980 Yeah, I think that's the thing.

00:04:12.480 They're bad winners. 0.93

00:04:14.900 Yeah, bad winners and good losers. 0.77

00:04:16.580 Well, maybe I don't know if they're good losers because they're throwing fits. 0.99

00:04:18.700 Yeah, they're bad losers too. 0.97

00:04:19.180 But I remember when my people didn't win, I was just like, this is the state of the 0.98

00:04:23.120 world.

00:04:24.500 Okay.

00:04:25.080 Biden's in office now.

00:04:26.220 I was not happy about it, but I also didn't yell in my car on TikTok.

00:04:31.060 There's a big difference. 0.98

00:04:32.320 I would just go, oh, this sucks. 0.97

00:04:33.760 My guy didn't win. 0.91

00:04:34.720 Yeah, because we have some modicum of self-control and self-respect.

00:04:38.620 Yeah, we tried to.

00:04:39.560 Yeah.

00:04:39.860 Right?

00:04:40.360 I just don't think that's the right.

00:04:42.000 So even if I were to sit in my car and throw a temper tantrum over something, I would have

00:04:47.140 the shame to not record it and post it.

00:04:50.580 Right?

00:04:51.140 Right?

00:04:51.440 I'm not above throwing a fit or crying, but I wouldn't record myself crying and then post

00:04:57.260 it for the internet to judge.

00:04:58.560 That seems strange.

00:04:59.760 What are they doing that for?

00:05:01.520 No idea.

00:05:02.040 Are they proud of their, they're proud of their emotion, they're proud of their ability

00:05:06.520 to overact their emotions.

00:05:08.860 I think it was very performative.

00:05:10.460 Yeah, I think that they wanted, they wanted you to go, me too.

00:05:14.480 Wow, me too.

00:05:15.540 I'm sad too.

00:05:16.360 And it's like, no, you're finding community and misery and yeah, very weird.

00:05:20.300 I think they're trying to signal Hollywood.

00:05:23.300 Yeah.

00:05:23.600 Oh my God, that's an actress that can harness all of her emotion and bring it right to the 1.00

00:05:28.900 surface.

00:05:29.340 Yes, we've got to get her on Friends.

00:05:32.100 I think the most performative is when they have like celebrities make these videos.

00:05:37.740 Oh, I love that.

00:05:38.280 They'll give them like a script, they'll all read the same script and then they'll cut

00:05:41.040 sentence to sentence together.

00:05:42.660 Yeah.

00:05:42.940 Those are the cringiest things I've ever seen in my life.

00:05:45.660 It's so bad.

00:05:46.680 Do you remember Imagine when they sang Imagine?

00:05:48.600 So bad.

00:05:49.260 That was the worst thing I've ever, do you remember this?

00:05:51.380 Oh yeah, that's when I knew they were all under MKUltra German mind control. 0.75

00:05:56.940 Yeah, something's going on.

00:05:57.240 What about the worst?

00:05:58.160 Let's talk about the worst.

00:05:59.340 Sharon Stone.

00:06:00.340 How about going, some of these, some of these deplorables don't even have passports.

00:06:07.840 Yeah.

00:06:08.200 And they think they represent the working people of America.

00:06:11.900 Well, what about us actors?

00:06:14.440 Yeah.

00:06:14.760 We portray working people all the time when we're flying around in our private jets and

00:06:19.880 land.

00:06:20.360 There was one with Walter White from Breaking Bad.

00:06:24.600 I don't know the actor's name.

00:06:25.800 Bryan Cranston.

00:06:26.500 Oh.

00:06:26.900 It was Bryan Cranston and Rainn Wilson who plays Dwight Schrute on The Office or whatever.

00:06:31.140 Both great actors.

00:06:32.080 But they're just actors.

00:06:33.420 You know, the same way you could just dismiss all the things I'm saying because I'm a comedian.

00:06:37.260 Like, at the end of the day, they're just a bunch of theater kids, you know, who have

00:06:41.520 like million dollar homes now and stuff.

00:06:43.500 And they're just like everyone else, I guess.

00:06:45.400 Yeah.

00:06:45.600 But like, they're sitting there in their white guilt being like, and slavery this.

00:06:50.800 And some people don't understand.

00:06:52.540 They don't know their history.

00:06:53.520 I was like, I don't think you guys know your history.

00:06:55.700 Also, this is like a multi-million dollar podcast studio that you're trying to tell people.

00:07:00.560 I was like, I just thought it was the strangest.

00:07:02.500 And you know, they didn't do it for free.

00:07:04.000 I mean, the Kamala campaign proved they don't do it for free.

00:07:06.740 Oh, yeah.

00:07:07.040 They got paid pretty good.

00:07:08.020 Yeah. 1.00

00:07:08.280 Or else they're out on fucking bail. 0.99

00:07:10.640 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:07:11.380 You know, they're forced to.

00:07:13.000 It was confusing times.

00:07:14.520 I'm so happy it's over. 1.00

00:07:15.800 I love seeing Hollywood have to eat its own shit. 1.00

00:07:19.700 I fucking love it. 1.00

00:07:21.300 I love it, too. 0.98

00:07:22.540 So you think there's a shift to common sense in the country?

00:07:25.760 That's what I'm hoping.

00:07:26.380 Yeah.

00:07:26.800 I think that I've never like not liked the left or Democrats ever.

00:07:32.660 But I think that smart people go, oh, this has gone too far.

00:07:36.740 You know, like Jordan Peterson always talks about it.

00:07:38.200 He's like, we know when the right goes too far.

00:07:40.400 We'll all literally go, that's the right going too far.

00:07:44.260 Right.

00:07:44.560 But it seems like no matter what the left does, everyone goes, isn't it virtuous?

00:07:48.580 Oh, they're cutting kids' wieners off. 0.90

00:07:50.300 Or they're warmongering.

00:07:52.560 Yeah.

00:07:52.720 Or they're saying that big pharma knows your body better than you.

00:07:56.880 And it's just anything the left does, we go, isn't that great?

00:07:59.360 No, we don't.

00:08:00.360 No, it's not great.

00:08:01.040 No, it isn't.

00:08:02.440 They do.

00:08:03.120 They say.

00:08:03.460 That's what he's saying.

00:08:04.280 Yeah.

00:08:04.660 They say it's great.

00:08:05.740 We don't.

00:08:06.520 I know.

00:08:06.780 And that's why we got to push back.

00:08:08.120 Yeah.

00:08:08.220 And I think that the common sense went, oh, this is them going too far.

00:08:11.520 Yeah.

00:08:11.660 It's okay to call the left out on some things, you know?

00:08:14.200 Yeah.

00:08:14.560 And I think that.

00:08:15.260 They're shocked because they didn't think they'd ever have to account for nothing.

00:08:18.240 I know.

00:08:18.660 And I think that, like, that's when I really left the left is when I was like, dude, this

00:08:22.500 has gone insane.

00:08:23.700 It's gone too far.

00:08:24.800 Yeah.

00:08:25.100 Way too far.

00:08:26.000 My buddy, I won't say his name on here because he's not famous anyways, but he wouldn't want

00:08:29.700 me to say his name.

00:08:30.660 I text him.

00:08:31.280 I said, oh, you know, happy about the election?

00:08:32.900 He's in Florida.

00:08:33.960 And he's like, oh, I'm not like a Trump guy.

00:08:36.700 And I go, oh, you didn't vote for Trump?

00:08:38.100 He goes, I didn't say that.

00:08:39.380 And I was like, oh, that's interesting.

00:08:40.800 He goes, this wasn't about Donald Trump.

00:08:42.960 This was about common sense.

00:08:44.020 And I was like, oh, that's really a reasonable way to, like, just see the both options, not

00:08:48.960 just be blinded by your party.

00:08:50.800 Yeah.

00:08:51.240 Did you see Rob Schneider's speech at TPUSA?

00:08:54.620 He introduced Trump.

00:08:56.380 He said, it isn't, you didn't, he addressed the left.

00:09:00.300 He said, you didn't lose because of homophobia, transphobia, or misogyny, nor racism.

00:09:06.800 You lost because, and then he listed the things they really did, of which I'm blank on now,

00:09:13.000 but they were hilarious.

00:09:14.120 That's great.

00:09:14.740 It was a great thing.

00:09:15.260 Because you said, you said, men can have babies. 0.97

00:09:18.520 Oh, yeah.

00:09:18.960 You know, and he listed them all.

00:09:20.000 You're letting, you know, biological men beat up women in sporting events. 0.99

00:09:24.000 Yeah.

00:09:24.180 That was one he mentioned.

00:09:25.360 And you called parents terrorists just because they don't want porn in kindergarten.

00:09:30.620 Yeah. 0.96

00:09:30.860 It's crazy.

00:09:31.660 It's a great speech.

00:09:32.380 It was a great speech.

00:09:33.180 Yeah.

00:09:33.420 It's very fascinating what is and isn't, like the mental, I know that's like a fun term, 0.90

00:09:37.920 like the mental gymnastics people will go through to like defend their things.

00:09:41.460 Yeah, it is that.

00:09:43.000 The holidays are here, which also means it's sick season, sinus infections, strep throat,

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00:11:21.280 I think it was all a sigh up to see how far they could push people before people said no.

00:11:27.640 I could see that, and I'm shocked it went this far, if I'm honest.

00:11:30.560 Yeah, Tim Urban's got a great book called What Is Our Problem?

00:11:34.380 And it's very, like, reasonable.

00:11:37.120 It has nothing to do with, like, conspiracy.

00:11:39.620 He just believes that the plan for, like, DIE, like diversity and inclusion and all this stuff, was well-intentioned. 1.00

00:11:45.960 I don't think it was, ever.

00:11:48.020 You don't think so?

00:11:49.240 You did at the time, affirmative action, when you were liberal.

00:11:51.960 Oh, when I was a lebtard, I did. 0.99

00:11:54.120 Well, me too.

00:11:54.800 I think that, like, I think it blossomed out of, like, nice people being like, oh, we're doing the right thing.

00:11:59.820 Not realizing how nefarious it really is.

00:12:04.160 And that maybe the powers that be had.

00:12:06.240 I think, you know, when my liberal friends in Seattle say these things, they think they're being good people.

00:12:11.340 They just, they don't have any, like, they're not good at questioning things or making their own decisions.

00:12:16.380 They're not good at methodology.

00:12:18.400 Yeah.

00:12:18.620 They don't have any sense of that, you know, to create, why they create chaos.

00:12:25.360 Yeah.

00:12:25.700 So they can make it, then bring in the structures of order, which are always fascist.

00:12:32.240 So the left always serves the fascist right, because they're the same thing.

00:12:36.600 Oh, 100%.

00:12:37.320 It's a full, like, yeah, it's like a loop.

00:12:39.020 I think also, too, it's like, it all is, it's all feelings over logic.

00:12:44.140 Yeah.

00:12:44.460 You know?

00:12:44.840 And sometimes your feeling is, oh, you know, this heavyset person, you know, feels uncomfortable

00:12:51.160 on an airplane, because without doing, like, the logical thinking of, like, you can't just

00:12:55.320 make seats for every type of body.

00:12:58.000 Yeah.

00:12:58.100 This is just, they just made a seat.

00:12:59.520 They didn't think about the small percentage of people who are, you know, larger bodied or

00:13:05.160 whatever.

00:13:05.300 So it's, like, morbidly obese.

00:13:07.000 Yeah.

00:13:07.240 Like, when you start, like, going, oh, if I'm a manufacturer and I'm making a chair, I

00:13:10.900 don't, I don't factor children, because there's, you know.

00:13:14.880 Right.

00:13:15.260 And I don't factor, like, the obese.

00:13:17.120 I don't, I don't do any of these things.

00:13:19.520 And so, like, if you just think of it that way, there was no ill intent.

00:13:22.840 No one's being mean to you.

00:13:24.180 It wasn't, like, and I think that the left is so feely touchy.

00:13:27.440 Yeah, but that was just part of, what do you call it, Jake?

00:13:32.160 Mass mind control.

00:13:33.440 Right.

00:13:33.660 They were really herding people into the pens.

00:13:36.520 It's.

00:13:36.980 You know, okay, your hair looks like this, so you go here.

00:13:40.740 Yeah.

00:13:41.140 Your nose looks like this, so you go here. 0.50

00:13:44.200 I mean, it was like, you know, it was so automatized, just purely fascist. 0.97

00:13:49.620 It's terrible.

00:13:50.300 But I like some aspects of fascism, like book burning.

00:13:54.220 Oh, yeah?

00:13:54.480 I'm so into that, and I was going to say.

00:13:56.320 You're into book burning?

00:13:56.700 Yeah.

00:13:57.100 Today, I thought, you know what would be a step forward to use fascist things?

00:14:01.700 All diet books burned on bonfires across America, starting for that, you know.

00:14:07.940 And then all self-help books.

00:14:09.620 See, this shows how open-minded you are.

00:14:11.580 I am.

00:14:11.940 You're looking for the positive in fascism. 1.00

00:14:14.220 I can go the full gamut, bitch. 1.00

00:14:15.920 There's some positives of fascism. 1.00

00:14:18.380 Yeah, yeah.

00:14:18.680 I like that.

00:14:18.980 You know, some books should be burned.

00:14:22.180 Yeah, White Fragility, that should be burned, for sure. 1.00

00:14:24.940 Have you ever read it?

00:14:25.360 The Bell Curve.

00:14:25.460 D.L. Hughley's book, Burn That Up.

00:14:27.780 It's a terrible book.

00:14:29.240 I read it. 0.99

00:14:30.080 It's a bunch of nonsense. 0.99

00:14:31.060 Oh, my God. 1.00

00:14:32.520 They got some shit on D.L. 1.00

00:14:34.680 I know they do. 1.00

00:14:35.460 Dude, D.L.'s book was the most victim-y.

00:14:38.620 It was basically White Fragility 2.0. 0.60

00:14:41.380 He used to be my friend, too, but he went too far.

00:14:45.520 Yeah, it's very strange.

00:14:46.380 Why did he go so far?

00:14:47.780 I don't know.

00:14:48.060 You know, I know why.

00:14:49.820 No, it's because you're getting-

00:14:51.440 That's the only way you get the money.

00:14:53.340 Yeah, which is crazy. 0.96

00:14:54.700 You know, nobody is gonna hire, like, it's so fucking racist, really, that I can't get 0.97

00:15:00.800 hired by any black organization, because, you know, and he can't get hired by any Jewish 1.00

00:15:07.400 organization. 0.92

00:15:08.660 You know, because they all have to have their demographic niche, which is nothing more than 1.00

00:15:14.020 fucking racism. 1.00

00:15:15.260 100%. 1.00

00:15:15.820 You know, preaching to the fucking converted. 0.99

00:15:18.360 Yeah. 1.00

00:15:18.500 Who gives a shit? 1.00

00:15:19.640 Right. 1.00

00:15:20.060 When I used to go on TV, I used to fight with these motherfuckers at the top all the time. 1.00

00:15:25.400 I go, what are you talking about, demographics? 0.99

00:15:28.320 Look at my demographics.

00:15:29.740 And that's why they hated me, because I had every kind.

00:15:32.820 Yeah.

00:15:33.100 Of every age.

00:15:33.840 Which is great.

00:15:34.780 That's what you want.

00:15:35.300 But it was a-

00:15:35.960 They used to care about ratings.

00:15:37.360 No, that was a con.

00:15:39.140 What?

00:15:39.840 That I had that many demographics.

00:15:42.060 Oh.

00:15:42.260 Because I was supposed to only have women 18 to 35, because that's where they figured 1.00

00:15:48.040 all the money was. 0.98

00:15:49.000 And I used to get so mad, and I go, god damn it. 0.86

00:15:52.340 That is not where the money is. 1.00

00:15:54.120 It's the baby boomers that are buying the shit for their kids of that age. 1.00

00:15:58.500 Yeah. 1.00

00:15:58.700 You guys are too fucking stupid to read demographics the right way. 1.00

00:16:02.960 Yeah. 1.00

00:16:03.100 And they were.

00:16:03.860 Yeah, 100%. 0.99

00:16:04.480 And they fucking destroyed everything. 0.99

00:16:05.080 Well, look at TV now. 0.99

00:16:05.920 It's over anyways.

00:16:06.860 Yeah. 1.00

00:16:07.080 Yeah, it's stupid. 1.00

00:16:07.660 It's dead. 1.00

00:16:08.500 Like, Hollywood is dead.

00:16:09.340 I love it. 1.00

00:16:10.020 As soon as I left, I knew it was going to die, because I go, who the fuck are they going 0.99

00:16:13.760 to steal from if I'm not there? 1.00

00:16:15.580 Yeah, no shit. 0.99

00:16:16.900 I'm so sad. 0.99

00:16:17.880 Like, I got to say, like, I grew up watching Roseanne.

00:16:22.420 It was like part of whatever that block of television was.

00:16:26.140 Tuesday night. 1.00

00:16:26.940 In the 90s, we all watched the same shit. 1.00

00:16:29.400 Yeah. 1.00

00:16:29.560 Even if there was a show you didn't like, you still watched it.

00:16:32.140 There was like four channels.

00:16:33.120 You didn't have a chance.

00:16:33.340 Yeah, and we liked them all.

00:16:34.660 And then there was one that we didn't like as much as the other ones, but we watched them

00:16:37.660 all.

00:16:37.860 Yeah.

00:16:38.460 But the rebrand of Roseanne was so smart.

00:16:43.020 Thank you.

00:16:43.780 You know what?

00:16:44.300 All my good comic friends like Norm and Bob Einstein and Louis C.K. would go, man, you hit it on every

00:16:53.600 level.

00:16:54.120 Because everyone has a relative that they disagree with politically, no matter what that

00:16:57.800 politics is.

00:16:59.040 And you were willing to make that show, and you were willing to make that position.

00:17:03.280 It was really, really, really smart.

00:17:05.620 Then you also had the opportunity to, because it's written, it's scripted, that you could

00:17:11.200 make these conversations that families should be having.

00:17:14.220 And these kind of, it was so smart.

00:17:15.620 Oh my God, it was way too smart.

00:17:16.500 It was such a tragedy to, you know, punish you or a show for a tweet, which I also thought

00:17:23.940 was fascinating.

00:17:24.980 It's so fascinating.

00:17:26.020 Like, words are evidently more offensive to modern times than actual acts of violence

00:17:34.480 or, you know, drinking and driving or crimes.

00:17:38.080 Sexual assault.

00:17:38.720 Yeah.

00:17:38.980 Or like allegations of like really nefarious things.

00:17:42.680 Evidently, one tweet is more, which I, and here's the second part of the tragedy that

00:17:48.380 I used to say about this before I met you, was that like, let's say we looked through all

00:17:52.960 your tweets, right?

00:17:54.000 Every tweet you've ever had.

00:17:55.360 Yeah.

00:17:55.700 I, I, I did it.

00:17:57.300 Thank God we didn't.

00:17:58.080 Deleted 20,000 of them before I went back to TV because they were horrible.

00:18:02.220 Just in case.

00:18:02.640 Yeah, yeah.

00:18:03.060 But also, let's look through all your 20,000, let's, 20,000 tweets.

00:18:06.680 Not one of those would have made you a dollar.

00:18:09.320 Right.

00:18:10.140 But some of them, definitely one of them, cost you a lot of reputation and money.

00:18:16.580 So it's like, at a certain point you go, well, why am I even tweeting?

00:18:20.220 Yeah.

00:18:20.880 If, if, if it's all risk and zero reward.

00:18:23.980 Right.

00:18:24.380 Now, if I'm Kendall Jenner or something, I can tweet and they give me 50 grand because

00:18:27.720 I promoted Dunkin' Donuts or something, that's different.

00:18:29.780 But like for us, we're just throwing out ideas in the ether, just talking to our fans

00:18:34.720 and it makes us zero.

00:18:36.080 Right.

00:18:36.320 And then you, you drink some wine or whatever and you tweet like a funny thing.

00:18:40.000 And you're done.

00:18:40.640 And it's, the next day you're like, oh, now I have to like be in trouble.

00:18:44.320 Yeah.

00:18:44.380 It's like being a kid again.

00:18:45.600 So I just, I remember thinking, there's so many tragedies in that one thing.

00:18:49.920 It's so, it's so unfortunate.

00:18:51.060 Well, I, I'm very proud of the tweet.

00:18:53.180 Yeah.

00:18:54.200 Because I realize now it's been seven, eight years.

00:18:57.300 Yeah.

00:18:57.880 And some guy's making a whole documentary about it.

00:19:01.200 Oh, great.

00:19:01.900 Because it was very prescient and nobody got it.

00:19:05.420 Right.

00:19:05.700 And instead they just total freaked out like libtards do. 1.00

00:19:09.900 Sure.

00:19:10.280 Because they put their meaning on it.

00:19:12.560 Yep.

00:19:12.720 Their Western.

00:19:14.260 Sorry.

00:19:14.980 Their Western, liberal, chauvinistic, imperialistic viewpoint on what it meant, which it meant

00:19:22.320 nothing like they said it did.

00:19:23.660 If you just make everything racist.

00:19:25.320 Right.

00:19:25.500 Then you, then you can do anything you want.

00:19:27.180 Just call everything racist.

00:19:29.300 And then that's what they did to you.

00:19:30.700 And that's what they do with everything.

00:19:31.980 Like Sam Harris has a great book where he talks about how like he came downstairs and

00:19:36.120 his daughter was putting on blackface because her and her friend were going to go to school

00:19:41.460 as salt and pepper.

00:19:42.760 So her friend was putting on white paint and was dressing with a big S on her stomach and

00:19:47.400 she was going to be pepper. 0.91

00:19:48.380 So she's just putting black.

00:19:49.320 And as he's trying to describe to this little girl why she can't do that, he's realizing

00:19:54.700 it doesn't even make sense why I'm telling her.

00:19:58.240 She's not going in blackface.

00:20:00.060 Yeah.

00:20:00.440 She's pepper. 1.00

00:20:00.720 She's just being pepper, you know, like it, but like, and then you start to go, well,

00:20:05.320 back in the old days, minstrels and you're like, well, this really isn't the same thing.

00:20:09.540 Yeah.

00:20:09.740 And also that's not real.

00:20:10.900 So they're just, they've just re they've branded everything to be like, it's racist. 0.98

00:20:14.700 You're racist.

00:20:15.840 Athletes are allowed to literally hit their girlfriends and they're not allowed. 0.95

00:20:20.680 They get, they get less sanctioned than you do for hitting people in crosswalks with

00:20:27.060 their automobiles while they're on drugs.

00:20:29.540 Absolutely.

00:20:29.900 And, and they get less punishment than something that was. 1.00

00:20:33.700 What about all the pedos at Disney that they hired back after they got rid of my ass? 1.00

00:20:37.540 Oh, crazy. 1.00

00:20:37.820 Yeah.

00:20:37.980 That's crazy to me.

00:20:39.280 Yeah.

00:20:40.180 James Gunn.

00:20:41.020 So much like, there's just so much hypocrisy. 0.99

00:20:44.500 He had pedo jokes. 0.98

00:20:45.460 Just so we don't get in trouble.

00:20:47.020 He wasn't a pedo.

00:20:47.940 He made pedo jokes. 0.99

00:20:48.560 No, he made like 20,000 pro pedophile tweets. 0.95

00:20:51.420 He got a 10 month. 1.00

00:20:52.080 They hired his ass back. 0.99

00:20:54.160 What were the tweets like? 0.99

00:20:55.320 I like it when young boys touch me in my funny place.

00:20:59.780 You're kidding. 0.91

00:21:00.600 Oh, no, they're horrible.

00:21:01.200 No, I'm worse.

00:21:02.200 That's really?

00:21:03.300 Because I was thinking like maybe I was trying to like be a diplomatic.

00:21:06.060 No, he's like, and he was, no, he wasn't. 1.00

00:21:07.300 He was like, I like to fuck little boys in the asshole. 1.00

00:21:09.040 It was really, really explicit. 1.00

00:21:10.340 Yeah, he said that.

00:21:11.160 Uh-huh.

00:21:11.720 And he got a 10 month suspension and then Disney hired him back.

00:21:14.560 But this is, I'll just say this real quick.

00:21:15.980 When they were calling a race and stuff, there was all these articles about Hollywood when

00:21:19.860 it goes bad.

00:21:20.540 And it would be like Harvey Weinstein because that story broke.

00:21:22.840 Yeah.

00:21:22.980 And it would be all these like sexual assaults and then my mom. 0.93

00:21:24.740 They put me in with all the rapists. 0.89

00:21:26.160 Yeah, which is crazy.

00:21:27.240 No, but they included me with the rapists.

00:21:29.180 It's unfair.

00:21:30.220 Like at the end of the day, you got it.

00:21:31.920 Like one of these was just a tweet.

00:21:33.760 Yeah, it's weird.

00:21:34.760 Also, is racism so magic that we put it above everything else?

00:21:38.440 Yeah.

00:21:38.900 Like let's say it was racist.

00:21:40.340 Yeah.

00:21:40.720 Is that somehow worse than beating up your girlfriend?

00:21:45.640 Like as a New York jet?

00:21:47.840 I would argue any violence is worse than any words.

00:21:51.680 I agree.

00:21:51.840 Even if the words might be construed as racist.

00:21:54.520 I agree.

00:21:54.780 No, they couldn't have been racist. 0.99

00:21:56.240 There's no fucking way they were racist. 0.99

00:21:58.380 Yeah. 1.00

00:21:58.700 But, you know, I thought the bitch was white, as I've said 1,000 fucking times. 1.00

00:22:04.700 And she did look exactly like Helena Bonham Carter. 1.00

00:22:08.880 I compared Michael Jackson to the girl monkey from Planet of the Apes. 1.00

00:22:12.580 You get in trouble.

00:22:13.640 Do you know who I'm talking about? 0.86

00:22:14.720 Same girl monkey. 1.00

00:22:15.380 Yeah, Helena Bonham Carter. 0.80

00:22:16.680 Yeah, she looked just like that monkey. 0.76

00:22:19.300 Well, that wasn't a monkey. 0.99

00:22:20.620 That's the point.

00:22:21.840 Like I said, when I looked at the picture of Valerie Jarrett next to Helena Bonham Carter

00:22:26.620 in makeup as a science fiction character, certainly she was not an ape.

00:22:32.080 She was a science fiction hybrid character.

00:22:35.260 I didn't assume either of them to be a black woman. 1.00

00:22:38.860 Right, right, right.

00:22:39.640 Yeah.

00:22:39.760 Because I'm not a racist. 0.51

00:22:40.640 Because one's a monkey and one's a...

00:22:42.260 Yeah, because neither of them was an ape.

00:22:45.620 Right. 0.95

00:22:46.260 And neither of them was a black woman in my estimation. 0.73

00:22:51.500 Yeah.

00:22:51.940 I did not think Valerie Jarrett was a black woman because she was born in Iran.

00:22:56.520 Right. 1.00

00:22:56.980 And she looks like my fucking family. 1.00

00:22:58.940 Yeah. 1.00

00:22:59.220 Except for my family has the decency not to wear a hairstyle like that.

00:23:04.580 You know?

00:23:05.040 Well, even if the tweet would have gone unnoticed, it would have made you zero dollars.

00:23:08.920 Yeah, that's a good point.

00:23:09.840 It would have cost me my whole life's work.

00:23:12.160 Yeah.

00:23:12.560 It's so unfair.

00:23:12.820 How about that?

00:23:14.060 On the dream powder, the beam, it's given you like a second life.

00:23:17.780 You have so much more energy.

00:23:18.980 I do, even though I'm sick.

00:23:21.120 You've been sick.

00:23:21.820 I got a little bit of a cold.

00:23:22.820 I know.

00:23:23.260 But the dream and the beam are keeping me on the scene.

00:23:26.600 It's not like you're taking drugs to be up.

00:23:28.600 You're just actually getting good, deep sleep.

00:23:31.260 I wake up and have another milkshake and go right back to sleep.

00:23:34.920 Yeah, it's the best.

00:23:36.360 Yeah, it's just...

00:23:37.380 And it's good sleep because it's all natural stuff that's all been proven to help you sleep

00:23:41.980 and you're going to get a good night's sleep.

00:23:43.280 And really, at the end of the day, as a father of two girls, you really learn that there's

00:23:47.340 nothing more important.

00:23:47.900 And that is why I am so excited to talk about Beam's Dream Powder, a science-backed, healthy

00:23:54.520 nighttime blend for sleep that is actually clinically shown to improve sleep and have you waken up

00:24:00.700 refreshed.

00:24:01.380 Other sleep aids can cause next-day grogginess, but Dream contains a powerful all-natural blend

00:24:08.500 of reishi, magnesium, alpheanine, api-german, and melatonin to help you fall asleep, stay

00:24:19.260 asleep, and wake up totally refreshed.

00:24:22.340 The ultimate sleep refresh for the new year.

00:24:25.860 Try Beam's best-selling Dream Powder and get up to 40% off for a limited time when you

00:24:32.760 go to shopbeam.com slash Roseanne and use the code Roseanne at checkout.

00:24:38.980 That's shopbeam.com slash Roseanne and use code Roseanne for up to 40% off.

00:24:49.020 But that's how the left is.

00:24:51.060 Also, when we opened the show, you said you were doing all the greetings to all the different

00:24:54.840 types of species.

00:24:55.880 You gave a special shout-out to animals.

00:24:57.840 I love animals.

00:24:58.280 How the hell do you know what Nephilim are?

00:25:01.020 I am shocked that you even...

00:25:02.360 That was like the third one, Nephilim.

00:25:04.160 Oh, yeah?

00:25:04.440 Well, because my daughter's all into the Nephilim. 0.94

00:25:06.860 Oh, okay.

00:25:07.920 She's one of those. 0.98

00:25:08.200 I was going to say, not a lot of people know about...

00:25:09.300 Like, I was pretty impressed with that.

00:25:11.040 Well...

00:25:11.160 That's how we got Sam Tripoli on.

00:25:12.320 We tracked him down.

00:25:13.040 Yeah, he talked to us about the Nephilim.

00:25:14.320 Oh, yeah, he did?

00:25:15.000 I didn't really know what they were until he told me.

00:25:17.320 Yeah, it's pretty...

00:25:18.600 Like, they're not real.

00:25:19.440 There's not a lot about them in the Bible, but it's...

00:25:21.920 Well, it says they're the fallen angels or something.

00:25:24.360 They're joining up with the devil or something.

00:25:26.240 Some people believe they're Bigfoot.

00:25:28.180 Is that right?

00:25:28.920 That's why I know about them.

00:25:29.900 Yeah.

00:25:30.200 I'm like a big Bigfoot guy.

00:25:31.560 Are you?

00:25:31.720 And there's like a sect of Bigfoot believers who are like, oh, it's probably the Nephilim.

00:25:35.480 Like, that's how we'll describe...

00:25:37.340 Look at that technique.

00:25:37.920 ...what people are seeing is probably, you know...

00:25:40.880 Well, they were giants.

00:25:41.660 Yeah, that would make sense.

00:25:42.700 ...described as Nephilim from them.

00:25:43.820 That's the only reason I know about it.

00:25:44.920 Do you think there's beings other than human beings that we are not really aware of yet

00:25:50.320 going around here?

00:25:51.620 Yes, 100%.

00:25:52.580 I do, too.

00:25:53.320 Yeah.

00:25:53.660 Do you think they're in germs over New Jersey?

00:25:55.560 I think that Bigfoot or Sasquatch is just like a big primate that lives in the woods

00:25:59.560 and in caves and also when we go in the woods, we don't go in the woods at nighttime if they're

00:26:04.420 like nocturnal, right?

00:26:05.480 Like, you know...

00:26:06.420 Well, you can be in the woods and be right next to a bear sometimes and not even know.

00:26:09.820 So, let alone if this thing is pretty smart, just hiding, I think, and very rare, like

00:26:13.860 a small species.

00:26:14.900 You believe in...

00:26:15.960 I'm not judging.

00:26:16.540 I'm asking.

00:26:16.820 You really believe in Bigfoot?

00:26:17.620 Oh, yeah.

00:26:18.020 I do, too.

00:26:18.480 I think there's a bunch of them, you know.

00:26:20.160 A bunch of evidence.

00:26:21.240 Just a bipedal hominid.

00:26:22.440 Also, if you go to the Natural History Museum, they have like a thing called a Gigantopithecus

00:26:26.560 and it's literally a bipedal ape that used to live here.

00:26:29.280 So, it's just that.

00:26:30.080 Yeah.

00:26:30.280 It's just not extinct, you know?

00:26:32.360 Um, but I also think that like there's things maybe we can't see, you know?

00:26:37.600 Like, and like we go, well, it can't be real.

00:26:39.480 Look, there's nothing here.

00:26:40.360 And you're like, well, they're probably invisible.

00:26:42.780 This one old rabbi about 2,000 years ago or even longer, maybe 1,500. 0.88

00:26:48.000 I'm not sure.

00:26:48.540 I can't remember.

00:26:49.620 But he said if we were able to see the things that are all around us, we would go mad.

00:26:55.260 I believe that.

00:26:55.900 And then, if you look under a microscope at like viruses and bugs that are in the air.

00:27:01.860 Just on your hand.

00:27:02.480 And the mites on our body.

00:27:04.300 And they're all monstrous looking.

00:27:05.880 Yeah, yeah.

00:27:06.420 And they're everywhere, but we don't see them.

00:27:08.220 And if those can be invisible, why couldn't something else be invisible?

00:27:12.500 Like, right?

00:27:12.920 Like, because the guy who hypothesized about germs, he was like, maybe there's these invisible

00:27:19.360 things on our hands and we should wash our hands before surgery.

00:27:23.140 Yeah.

00:27:23.240 They put him in a mental institution and he died in the mental institution and it was like

00:27:29.080 20, 30, whatever years later that they were like, he's right, actually.

00:27:33.020 That we should be disinfecting our hands.

00:27:35.460 Well, they say that's why they burned all the witches in Europe because they brought out 0.97

00:27:40.180 male obstetricians at that time and the midwives.

00:27:43.920 It was a war against them because they washed their hands.

00:27:48.000 But these male obstetricians, they went from house to house delivering babies and they did 1.00

00:27:55.580 not wash their hands, which caused childbed fever, which they blamed on the women midwives

00:28:01.860 and then burned them at the stake.

00:28:04.340 It's insane. 0.72

00:28:05.240 Yeah.

00:28:05.680 Everything's too insane.

00:28:07.220 Did you always know?

00:28:08.120 Well, I always maintain that comics see how insane everything is as children.

00:28:13.380 Um, I've always looked at the world different.

00:28:16.980 What I give credit to is that I have dyslexia.

00:28:21.460 I do too.

00:28:22.220 And so like the basic way is like any, when you're teaching a young person, you go A to

00:28:28.220 B to C, you know?

00:28:29.600 And since, you know, no matter what you're teaching them, you teach them A, B to C. Whereas

00:28:34.640 my brain can't do that.

00:28:36.560 So for me to get to C, I took all these strange leaps.

00:28:40.400 And so when you do that, I, cause I remember I'd try to, I try to ask questions in class.

00:28:44.620 I would ask a sincere question to the teacher and the whole class would laugh and I'd be

00:28:49.300 like, Oh, I guess I'm funny.

00:28:50.280 But that wasn't me trying to be funny. 0.67

00:28:51.540 That was me just asking, I guess, a dumb question or seeing it so different that everyone 0.78

00:28:55.700 laughed. 0.93

00:28:56.140 And I remember learning.

00:28:57.280 I was funny long before I ever like learned other things.

00:29:01.120 And I think it's cause of the dyslexia.

00:29:02.700 Like I just didn't, my learning disability made me more interesting to the way everyone

00:29:07.100 else thinks.

00:29:08.000 I always, when I was a kid with dyslexia and every other thing that there is, I used to

00:29:14.520 always read all the books backwards.

00:29:16.480 I always started at the last page and read backwards.

00:29:19.120 Really?

00:29:19.720 Yeah.

00:29:20.000 It's like memento every day for you.

00:29:21.760 Yeah.

00:29:22.120 It kind of was that because I had to know what happened before I could see what caused it.

00:29:27.760 That's a very female trait. 1.00

00:29:29.640 It is?

00:29:30.120 Well, not reading books backwards, but wanting to know if something's going to work before

00:29:34.500 you.

00:29:35.200 Well, maybe.

00:29:36.020 Yeah.

00:29:36.560 They're always planning.

00:29:37.500 Like, well, I want to know if this is going to work out.

00:29:39.020 You're like, we don't know if it's going to work out.

00:29:40.420 We just have to see what happens.

00:29:42.200 Yeah.

00:29:42.560 That is a real difference between myself and my former male partners.

00:29:47.580 Cause you know, it's like, I don't even know, you know how they said women are from 1.00

00:29:52.100 Mars and whatever they said.

00:29:55.160 Yeah.

00:29:55.220 Yeah.

00:29:55.780 I used to have a joke about that.

00:29:57.120 Women are from Venus. 1.00

00:29:57.660 What was it?

00:29:58.240 It was, um, what is the book title called?

00:30:00.900 Men are from Mars.

00:30:01.740 Women are from Venus. 1.00

00:30:02.620 I used to say, uh, you know, the old saying guys, women are from Venus and, uh, men are 1.00

00:30:07.880 from fucking earth. 0.99

00:30:09.120 We're from earth. 1.00

00:30:09.740 Can you, can you just try to get along with us?

00:30:12.500 We're earthlings.

00:30:13.100 You know, I used to have a joke about, uh, men, they're very simple.

00:30:20.800 Yes.

00:30:21.060 Us women are very calculating, conniving and, um, you know, labyrinthine in our thinking, 0.99

00:30:27.440 whereas men are very simple.

00:30:29.160 And so we should learn how to please them.

00:30:32.220 That'll make our life easier. 0.84

00:30:33.880 And, you know, basically what it is, is clean underpants and a big ass bowl of chili. 0.90

00:30:39.440 Yeah, that'll do it. 0.98

00:30:40.560 That's it.

00:30:41.120 Yeah.

00:30:41.280 We're very simple, very predictable creatures, which is.

00:30:45.600 Is it, are you married?

00:30:47.340 No.

00:30:47.880 Have you ever been married?

00:30:48.940 No, but I think this is my dyslexic brain again.

00:30:51.160 Like I've learned a great way to live that works for me.

00:30:54.860 That is unusual to everyone else that I know.

00:30:57.980 Um, I feel like I've really carved out my life in a way that I, um, I am sad.

00:31:07.680 Uh, I don't know if the term, what's the right term.

00:31:10.020 I am, uh, unrepentantly, desperately, painfully alone.

00:31:14.920 You know, like I'm, I'm alone, but there's so many positives and so many negatives of it.

00:31:18.860 So you, you're not a person who wants to couple up.

00:31:22.400 I, uh, I see the perks of that.

00:31:24.580 And I, when I'm with a woman, like, I think I want that.

00:31:27.200 And then also like, I like being alone too.

00:31:30.260 Like I like both.

00:31:31.520 Yeah.

00:31:31.820 Can you ever find that balance with someone?

00:31:34.020 Not yet.

00:31:34.860 Not yet.

00:31:35.440 Yeah.

00:31:35.640 Me too.

00:31:36.200 I'm like that too. 0.99

00:31:37.500 I'm like, can you just sit over there and shut up? 0.75

00:31:41.140 I have these other interests. 0.96

00:31:43.040 Yeah.

00:31:43.520 And they never do.

00:31:44.780 Yeah.

00:31:44.960 They don't want to.

00:31:45.540 They're like, but I have needs and I have things to say. 1.00

00:31:49.880 Ah, fuck off. 1.00

00:31:51.680 I told you to be over there. 1.00

00:31:53.420 Have you heard Patrice's that used to have a bit.

00:31:55.560 Oh God, the greatest.

00:31:56.880 He's the best. 0.96

00:31:57.660 It was, it was something like, I'm going to slaughter it. 0.97

00:31:59.600 Everyone's going to make fun of me in the comments, but it was like, uh, men want a woman 0.96

00:32:03.940 near.

00:32:05.980 Like we want you near, but we don't want you here, but like just around, you know, like

00:32:11.380 somewhere near, you know, if we need something, yeah.

00:32:15.340 Or just like when I want to, you know, like when I want to be, you could date someone from

00:32:19.000 the military cause they have to leave for months at a time.

00:32:22.020 But then I'd complain about that.

00:32:23.300 I know myself so well.

00:32:24.340 I would complain about that.

00:32:25.440 Flight attendants.

00:32:25.880 You'd have to worry about them.

00:32:27.000 Yeah.

00:32:27.500 So that's a bummer.

00:32:28.640 You'd get hurt or cheat on me or something.

00:32:30.220 Yeah. 0.98

00:32:30.360 Or if they get killed.

00:32:32.020 Well, you know what I just thought about.

00:32:33.140 Then you're like, ah, Christ, there goes a three months of my life.

00:32:35.900 Yeah, all over. 0.99

00:32:36.640 I'm fucking grieving when I could be fucking living. 0.98

00:32:41.420 Yeah. 1.00

00:32:41.600 I could have went out this entire time if I was just going to die.

00:32:44.920 That's you need to know the end again.

00:32:46.460 But I mean, comics, we are really self.

00:32:48.460 I mean, we aren't really selfish, but we're self contained kind of.

00:32:52.760 Yeah.

00:32:53.100 I think a genius loves isolation and we have to be.

00:32:57.540 Yeah.

00:32:57.860 It's very like insular.

00:32:59.960 And then we get so much attention on stage.

00:33:03.280 Yeah.

00:33:03.720 That that really fills whatever that hole is for being heard or for, you know, because

00:33:08.940 so many partners need to be heard and they're, oh, my boyfriend doesn't listen or my wife

00:33:13.160 doesn't, you know, really listen to me when I'm sharing.

00:33:15.680 And it's like, well, as a standup, even when I'm wrong, I'm being heard.

00:33:20.400 Like they're all like validating me and that feels very good.

00:33:24.360 Well, this, uh, is it a craving for validation?

00:33:28.940 Um, I've always craved that.

00:33:30.660 Yeah.

00:33:30.920 Yeah.

00:33:31.140 Me too.

00:33:31.680 Yeah.

00:33:32.100 And attention.

00:33:32.840 Yeah.

00:33:33.220 It's good.

00:33:33.700 It's fun.

00:33:34.120 I also, I'm not ashamed of it.

00:33:35.180 I think that's good.

00:33:35.940 I'm not either.

00:33:36.800 And love and approval.

00:33:38.680 All the things you didn't get at home.

00:33:40.460 Exactly.

00:33:41.580 Just got, did you used to get beat?

00:33:43.880 No, I never got beat, but we were just ignored.

00:33:46.800 A lot of ignoring.

00:33:48.440 Yeah.

00:33:48.740 And that makes a comic when you're like, mom, look what I drew and nothing.

00:33:51.620 And then you're like, mom, chill with me.

00:33:52.640 I'm jumping on this thing over here.

00:33:53.960 And like, you're just, you're just always trying to get them to look at you.

00:33:57.360 Yeah.

00:33:57.460 Yeah.

00:33:57.920 Yeah.

00:33:58.320 They ignore you.

00:33:59.320 Yeah.

00:33:59.580 You grew up Mormon, right? 0.97

00:34:00.700 No, I grew up Jew in Mormon, Utah.

00:34:03.880 Oh, Jewish in Mormon, Utah. 1.00

00:34:05.380 Yeah.

00:34:05.760 So that's why I say we stuck out like a sore thumb.

00:34:08.620 We only had the one mother.

00:34:11.020 That's great.

00:34:12.280 But.

00:34:12.760 You know, Mormons love polygamy jokes because it makes them seem cool. 0.99

00:34:19.200 Mormons are such dorks that when you do like, I bet this guy's got three wives, he sits 1.00

00:34:23.340 there like, yeah, I could have three wives. 1.00

00:34:25.220 But really, he's got one wife that hates him.

00:34:28.040 He could have three wives that hate him.

00:34:30.020 Yeah, exactly.

00:34:30.840 He's all like kind of jealous of the polygamists, you know. 0.97

00:34:33.860 We grew up in Salt Lake and about a block and a half from us was a polygamous family.

00:34:39.520 Oh, really?

00:34:40.040 The Jeff's family?

00:34:42.180 Is it the Warren?

00:34:42.680 No, they were in Southern Utah.

00:34:44.420 Oh, okay.

00:34:45.020 This was, I can't remember their name and I wouldn't say it anyway, but they went to our

00:34:49.240 school and the girls, they all had to wear really long dresses that went down to their 1.00

00:34:55.420 ankles and they had those kind of Amish hats.

00:34:58.160 Yeah, they're like Mennonites. 1.00

00:34:59.700 Yeah, a little bit.

00:35:00.880 And they also had four houses that were all connected by hedges and gates.

00:35:05.640 And the moms lived in each house with their kids and the dad lived in the big house with

00:35:10.700 I guess his youngest wife and their kids, but he'd go visit and all that.

00:35:15.080 And the kids were just accustomed to it.

00:35:17.340 Yeah.

00:35:17.640 Trying to go to public school, which was health fun.

00:35:20.140 Tough, yeah, yeah.

00:35:20.980 And I was a horrible girl, always wanting to be, you know, just tell horrible jokes.

00:35:26.780 I couldn't help it.

00:35:27.180 I love that you were always Roseanne.

00:35:28.920 Yeah, I couldn't help it.

00:35:30.360 Yeah, but that's great.

00:35:30.980 You're you.

00:35:31.460 You knew who you were early.

00:35:32.540 No, I didn't.

00:35:33.580 I just thought of myself as bad.

00:35:36.200 I'm a bad girl because I always try to make fun of people's misery.

00:35:41.000 I love that.

00:35:41.780 It made you happy to like be, yeah, yeah.

00:35:43.920 It gave me a boob. 1.00

00:35:45.520 You saw someone fall off the monkey bars, you just start laughing.

00:35:48.300 You're like, oh yeah, that's my evil origin story.

00:35:50.760 Yeah.

00:35:50.840 So this one girl was crossing the street and she got hit by a cart, which God works in mysterious

00:35:58.640 ways.

00:35:59.200 Karma.

00:35:59.300 Because 16 years later, I also was hit by a car.

00:36:02.440 Oh no.

00:36:03.340 It's my karma.

00:36:04.420 But so I.

00:36:05.280 Well, you didn't hit that girl in the car.

00:36:06.820 Like why is it your karma?

00:36:08.040 No, but I made the horrible joke.

00:36:09.300 Oh.

00:36:09.660 And everyone left at school.

00:36:11.300 And I said, you know what happened?

00:36:12.740 She tripped over her skirt. 0.74

00:36:15.260 And that was in seventh grade.

00:36:16.840 Everyone's like, oh, Roseanne is horrible.

00:36:20.120 Yeah. 0.97

00:36:20.940 Oh, Roseanne is awful. 1.00

00:36:22.520 Yeah, that is life, isn't it?

00:36:23.740 They laugh at the joke and then go, you shouldn't have said that.

00:36:26.240 And go, you laugh.

00:36:27.220 Well, two things about the Mormons, I'll say.

00:36:30.240 What?

00:36:30.980 Like, well, polygamists more than anything. 0.99

00:36:33.760 Stop acting like you're normal.

00:36:35.860 Yeah.

00:36:36.040 Have you seen like Sister Wives? 0.99

00:36:37.620 Yes, that is absurd.

00:36:39.320 Every episode, they're like, we're just like a regular family.

00:36:41.760 You're not.

00:36:42.480 No.

00:36:42.800 You're not like a regular family.

00:36:44.300 That's why they gave you a show.

00:36:45.980 Right.

00:36:46.340 Like on TLC, like these little people where it's like, they're like, we're just like everyone

00:36:50.580 else.

00:36:50.960 We can do anything you can.

00:36:52.200 No, you can't.

00:36:53.120 You're little.

00:36:54.200 Like, that's why they gave you a show.

00:36:55.920 You're so different than us that they gave you a show.

00:37:00.340 They're always trying to pretend like they're like us.

00:37:02.440 Well, but they are.

00:37:03.340 Because I remember the little people show, I was drinking with the mom.

00:37:07.140 Yeah.

00:37:07.560 And, oh, she gets drunk faster than I do. 0.90

00:37:10.300 Yeah, because she's little.

00:37:11.360 Yeah.

00:37:11.840 Yeah. 0.99

00:37:12.160 But, you know, when she's all drunk, it was all the same fucking misery as me. 0.99

00:37:15.960 Well, that part's the same. 1.00

00:37:17.060 These motherfucking agents, these Jew bastards. 1.00

00:37:19.880 You know, same. 1.00

00:37:20.980 Well, more similar than not, but also like, don't pretend you're like a regular married family.

00:37:25.920 You have six wives and that guy with the weird balding.

00:37:29.100 No, I was talking about the little people.

00:37:30.740 Yeah, little people are so much similar. 1.00

00:37:32.200 The Mormons, that Cody, he's got some fucking nerve. 1.00

00:37:36.480 Cody's the dad, right? 1.00

00:37:37.720 Yeah.

00:37:37.920 Yeah. 1.00

00:37:38.040 He's got some fucking nerve. 1.00

00:37:39.500 He's weird. 1.00

00:37:40.280 He's weird. 0.98

00:37:40.920 I think he's gay. 1.00

00:37:42.020 I think he's gay, too. 0.88

00:37:43.200 There's like one episode where he was. 1.00

00:37:44.540 Gay as a son of a bitch. 1.00

00:37:45.720 I think he is. 1.00

00:37:46.560 I think a lot of guys that try to have sex with a lot of women, they are gay. 1.00

00:37:51.140 I think so. 0.99

00:37:51.800 Because there was an episode where like his buddy from college came.

00:37:55.160 And, you know, I'm never.

00:37:56.600 I have a lot of guy friends.

00:37:57.680 I'm very bro-y.

00:37:58.600 I like click with dudes well.

00:38:00.160 So, like, I'm making this.

00:38:02.680 Gay. 0.98

00:38:02.880 Yeah, exactly. 0.87

00:38:03.740 That's what I said.

00:38:04.620 It sounded like I was being like, I'm not gay.

00:38:06.340 No, but, so I'm not one to criticize this type of behavior, but it was just creepy.

00:38:11.380 He had a friend come on from college, like on an episode of like Sister Wives.

00:38:15.760 But then he like set up all these pads in the garage and they wrestled.

00:38:20.100 Oh, that's so gay wrestling. 0.99

00:38:21.220 It was really weird. 0.99

00:38:22.460 It was so gay. 1.00

00:38:23.100 Well, we used to wrestle back in high school and now we wrestle and I was just, the whole

00:38:26.680 episodes of these two dudes like sweating and like, it was just like strange.

00:38:31.420 It's like what my dad told me.

00:38:33.760 My dad was a unique individual.

00:38:37.180 Like one time I asked him, Dad, how come Santa Claus don't come to our house?

00:38:41.420 He comes to all the neighbor's house.

00:38:43.280 How come he don't come to our house?

00:38:44.700 I was about five. 0.89

00:38:46.660 He said, because Santa Claus hates the Jews. 0.91

00:38:49.540 That's hilarious. 0.97

00:38:50.920 But.

00:38:51.320 That's a funny answer.

00:38:52.760 Yeah. 1.00

00:38:52.980 Santa Claus is anti-Semitic piece of shit. 1.00

00:38:55.200 I have to buy you guys some gifts. 1.00

00:38:57.140 We never got nothing.

00:38:58.320 Oh.

00:38:58.700 Not even for Hanukkah?

00:39:00.220 Hell no.

00:39:00.920 We got.

00:39:01.200 I thought you got gifts on Hanukkah.

00:39:01.940 We got the lousy Hanukkah guilt of that rotted chocolate and gold foil.

00:39:06.100 You built a fish in chocolate.

00:39:08.500 No, we got the chocolate in the gold foil that tastes like.

00:39:11.640 Oh yeah.

00:39:12.280 Oh yeah.

00:39:12.660 Mothballs.

00:39:13.240 Yeah.

00:39:13.760 The one that's in Little Thing, you see?

00:39:15.300 Yeah. 0.99

00:39:16.840 Damn, I'm still angry over that. 0.99

00:39:18.760 But he said, Roseanne, you should lose weight because the only kind of husband you're going 0.99

00:39:23.380 to get is a $3 bill. 0.99

00:39:26.300 Because that's what he called gay guys. 1.00

00:39:28.680 A $3 bill because they're the only ones that like a fat girl. 1.00

00:39:33.680 Wait, this is your dad that told you this? 0.90

00:39:35.240 What age was this?

00:39:36.760 No wonder you have a dark sense of humor.

00:39:38.860 I agree with you though.

00:39:40.100 All I could get was a $3 bill.

00:39:42.840 That's amazing. 0.97

00:39:43.160 Because they're the only ones that like a fat girl. 1.00

00:39:45.100 That's brutal. 0.96

00:39:45.920 But that is just like Cody. 1.00

00:39:48.400 All his wives are fat. 1.00

00:39:50.220 Yeah. 0.99

00:39:50.500 And it's so funny because like he always is like getting a new one.

00:39:54.300 You know, he's like, I think I'm good.

00:39:55.620 And then he'll get a new one.

00:39:56.700 And then you can watch the other ones pretend like they're not jealous, but they're super

00:39:59.940 jealous.

00:40:00.640 Yeah.

00:40:00.820 It's very strange.

00:40:01.200 They get the new thin one and then she turns. 0.97

00:40:03.500 She gets fat. 0.69

00:40:04.160 She turns fat within two years. 1.00

00:40:06.100 You know why they turn fat.

00:40:07.440 They don't know how to work out.

00:40:09.780 Wow. 0.97

00:40:10.400 It's a sexual reason why women get fat. 1.00

00:40:13.320 What is it?

00:40:13.660 And I'll leave that to the, huh?

00:40:16.220 Armoring?

00:40:17.200 Huh?

00:40:17.800 Armoring?

00:40:18.660 Well, it is armoring up because of, you know, you have to protect yourself from the sexual 0.86

00:40:23.360 disappointment that awaits you.

00:40:26.260 Yeah.

00:40:26.780 Yeah.

00:40:28.140 You know what I don't like about Mormons now that I'm thinking about it? 1.00

00:40:30.900 Here's what I don't like about Mormons. 0.97

00:40:32.240 The not Mormons annoy me more than the Mormons. 1.00

00:40:35.340 So when you're in Utah, these people, they'll be like, are you going to do Mormon jokes? 0.56

00:40:40.440 I'm going, no, no Mormons are coming to the show.

00:40:42.780 It's all these people that are so proud to tell you they're not Mormon because they grew 0.99

00:40:47.200 up Mormon.

00:40:48.380 Oh, Jack Mormons. 1.00

00:40:49.600 So now they're like, look at all my tattoos.

00:40:51.480 I'm so not Mormon. 1.00

00:40:52.880 I say fuck. 1.00

00:40:54.120 I curse. 1.00

00:40:55.620 And you're like, wow, you're so not Mormon. 0.96

00:40:57.260 They're so proud to be not Mormon. 1.00

00:40:58.760 Oh, but they should be proud because I have to say all my friends were Jack Mormons and

00:41:04.820 they are the greatest people on earth.

00:41:07.020 What's a Jack Mormon? 0.97

00:41:08.200 The ones that just go, ah, I was raised Mormon and now let's party.

00:41:13.080 Yeah.

00:41:13.760 Yeah.

00:41:14.380 Yeah.

00:41:14.500 Well, I don't mind that.

00:41:15.620 And I actually, I like, it's just, it's just funny when they're trying to like, we're all

00:41:19.720 not Mormon.

00:41:20.720 I'm not Mormon.

00:41:21.500 You're not Mormon. 1.00

00:41:22.060 But like, they have to like make a big show about how not Mormon they are in Salt Lake.

00:41:25.840 Well, you have to rebel.

00:41:27.220 Yeah.

00:41:27.660 Yeah.

00:41:27.880 It's very childlike rebellion.

00:41:29.560 They all go back when they're 40.

00:41:30.680 They're like, look, a school tattoo.

00:41:32.080 And you're like, wow, you're so not Mormon. 0.96

00:41:35.460 But they are good people.

00:41:36.820 Did you see that play?

00:41:38.820 Book of Mormon?

00:41:39.560 Yeah.

00:41:39.940 I think that's the funniest thing I've ever seen.

00:41:41.140 I agree.

00:41:41.700 Is that the funniest thing you've ever seen in your life?

00:41:43.720 I literally, as like a, you know, a guy.

00:41:45.960 It was genius.

00:41:46.960 It was Pulitzer Prize level comedy.

00:41:49.900 Oh, I thought you said it won one.

00:41:51.480 I think it did.

00:41:52.040 It should have.

00:41:52.480 It won a bunch of Tonys.

00:41:53.620 It's a huge success.

00:41:54.520 It's so brilliant.

00:41:55.180 It's the funniest thing I've ever seen too. 0.84

00:41:56.720 I just remember being like, theater's gay.

00:41:59.240 I don't want to go to like a play. 0.66

00:42:00.740 Yeah.

00:42:00.960 And then I saw that and I was like, I was in wonderment.

00:42:03.640 I was like, this is so creative and funny.

00:42:06.220 And like, um, some of it wasn't, uh, a put down of them.

00:42:10.180 It was, it, it was uplifting.

00:42:12.420 They clearly did their homework.

00:42:13.940 Yeah.

00:42:14.040 I think they, I think one of the writers or several are Mormon.

00:42:18.600 Oh yeah.

00:42:19.160 Well, the Mormon church supported it actually.

00:42:21.200 The play.

00:42:21.460 I don't know if you guys know that.

00:42:22.440 They were behind a lot of it.

00:42:23.340 That was phenomenal and groundbreaking that they supported that.

00:42:26.240 So, so good.

00:42:27.440 I remember, uh, I don't remember where I saw it, but like someone was making the comparison

00:42:30.960 of like, like the Book of Mormon is a great example of how to like deal with life.

00:42:35.120 Yeah.

00:42:35.300 So like those Columbine kids who grew up in like a little mountain town in Colorado, they 0.69

00:42:40.520 have felt like all these reasons like, oh, everyone's mean to us and the girls don't

00:42:44.120 like us and we're being bullied and pushed around in school.

00:42:47.020 We'll go shoot up the school.

00:42:48.920 Whereas Trey Parker and Matt Stone grew up in a Colorado mountain town.

00:42:52.160 Everyone bullied them.

00:42:53.200 Everyone pushed them around.

00:42:54.300 Girls didn't like them. 1.00

00:42:55.300 And the way they got back at the city and the world is by becoming wildly successful about 1.00

00:43:01.840 making a show about their stupid mountain town. 1.00

00:43:04.380 Yeah. 1.00

00:43:04.500 Like they made characters and they made it a show and the script.

00:43:07.340 And like, I always, I always reflect on that.

00:43:09.740 Like such a productive way to deal with trauma.

00:43:12.200 Well, comedy is such a great art form, isn't it?

00:43:14.880 A hundred percent.

00:43:15.600 Yeah.

00:43:15.800 If something pisses you off, you can go make jokes about it.

00:43:18.240 It's great. 0.96

00:43:18.620 Do you, do you feel like I feel it saved my life or I'd probably fucking, I don't know. 0.89

00:43:23.260 A hundred percent. 0.63

00:43:24.060 Yeah.

00:43:24.800 Yeah.

00:43:24.960 It's just such a great feeling.

00:43:26.120 Like if, if a good thing happens to me, what a really nice thing.

00:43:29.600 But if a bad thing happens to me, I get some material out of it.

00:43:32.280 I get a funny story.

00:43:33.460 I can go and be like, you won't believe what just happened.

00:43:35.240 And you know, like it's, it's, I don't know.

00:43:37.100 Everything's good.

00:43:37.780 It's a good coping mechanism.

00:43:40.040 Yeah.

00:43:40.600 Yeah.

00:43:40.820 You go, well, somebody had a line.

00:43:42.900 I can't remember, but it's like, I went through this and it was all horror.

00:43:46.280 But at the end he said, but I got seven minutes.

00:43:49.900 Yeah.

00:43:50.300 A hundred percent.

00:43:51.000 I think about it all the time, but even just like, like, even if you're not a comic and

00:43:54.540 you're watching this, the stories that you can tell your friends or complain about is

00:43:59.260 like, that's always funny.

00:44:00.280 Like if a bad thing happens, great.

00:44:01.920 This is hilarious.

00:44:03.160 And if a good thing happens, that's good.

00:44:04.520 It was a good thing.

00:44:05.160 And that's why I love Trump when he was talking about, he likes to do the weave.

00:44:10.960 The, what is that?

00:44:11.980 When he creates the story and how he tells the story.

00:44:16.160 You know, it's like a comic thinks that way.

00:44:18.480 He also made up words.

00:44:20.820 Yeah.

00:44:20.940 He like made up words to describe it.

00:44:23.180 I think he did it on Rogan, right?

00:44:24.600 And he was like, I call that the, and he was like, you're like, he's doing comedy, but

00:44:28.240 he's got all the words mixed up.

00:44:29.920 Yeah.

00:44:30.120 The weave.

00:44:30.900 I think he's a comic.

00:44:32.440 I think so too.

00:44:33.160 Yeah.

00:44:33.280 He's got a comedic brain for sure.

00:44:34.600 Yeah.

00:44:34.940 Yeah.

00:44:35.400 Which is cool for us comics to see.

00:44:38.900 I agree.

00:44:39.860 That's why I don't understand why woke comics, which they ain't funny. 0.74

00:44:47.060 Not now.

00:44:47.940 God, it's so not funny.

00:44:49.060 How can you be funny and woke?

00:44:50.600 Honestly.

00:44:52.520 That's hard.

00:44:53.600 For real.

00:44:54.440 It's a snare. 1.00

00:44:56.240 Like on Saturday Night Live, those fuckers that are woke on the, you know, the news. 1.00

00:45:02.760 Yeah. 1.00

00:45:03.480 It's just a fucking snare. 1.00

00:45:05.480 It is. 0.99

00:45:05.940 It's all claptor and it's all like, you know, there's people agreeing with what they're saying,

00:45:10.540 but it's not really, it's not a joke.

00:45:12.840 Yeah.

00:45:12.980 It's very strange.

00:45:13.980 Yeah.

00:45:14.240 Because comedy is supposed to take the piss out of power. 0.98

00:45:18.120 Yeah. 0.94

00:45:18.380 There has to be a butt of the joke.

00:45:19.780 And if you just have sympathy for every butt, then you can't make it the butt of the joke.

00:45:24.740 But that's also the point of comedy, right?

00:45:26.360 Like that, like medicine's the best laughter or the, sorry, medicine's the best.

00:45:30.440 Laughter is the best medicine.

00:45:32.100 He's dyslexic.

00:45:33.100 There you go.

00:45:33.920 Well, if laughter is the best medicine.

00:45:34.920 That's true the other way too.

00:45:35.560 You only put medicine on things that are bad, like a sickness, something that hurts. 0.88

00:45:40.460 Like that's why Jews are funny. 1.00

00:45:42.040 That's why black guys are funny. 0.91

00:45:43.460 That's why like we're all facing a battle.

00:45:45.060 We're all can be funny.

00:45:45.960 It's like, well, nobody wants to just hear jokes about, you know, balloons.

00:45:52.240 Like there has to be some stakes.

00:45:54.380 Yeah.

00:45:55.140 Yeah.

00:45:55.820 Did you like Norm?

00:45:57.360 He was my favorite comedian.

00:45:58.720 Mine too.

00:45:59.360 Yeah.

00:45:59.800 I'm obsessed with that.

00:46:00.360 I can tell you liked him.

00:46:01.820 I'm very inspired by him.

00:46:03.200 Yeah.

00:46:03.420 Like very influenced by him.

00:46:04.740 And I used to feel guilt about that.

00:46:06.960 Like, oh, people are going to think I'm stealing from Normie, but it's like, no, I grew up on

00:46:10.940 The Simpsons.

00:46:11.780 I grew up on Norm MacDonald, Patrice O'Neill, Daniel Tosh, as I got a little bit older, was

00:46:17.420 like a huge part of my, and so yes, when you see me perform, you could draw any of those

00:46:22.660 comparisons from the things I really liked growing up.

00:46:26.220 Andy Malinakis.

00:46:28.020 Oh yeah.

00:46:28.800 I liked him too.

00:46:29.620 Tom Green was like a big, so I love like prank stuff.

00:46:31.920 There was just so many things that inspire me.

00:46:35.380 I love Jerry Seinfeld.

00:46:36.560 People are going, oh, that sounded like Jerry.

00:46:38.000 I go, okay.

00:46:38.460 Yeah, I love Jerry.

00:46:39.480 So I'm not ashamed of it as I used to be.

00:46:42.040 I used to be like, oh, I think I'm a thief, but no.

00:46:44.440 How long have you been doing it?

00:46:45.940 Since 2005.

00:46:47.760 So what's that?

00:46:48.960 20 years?

00:46:49.920 Yeah.

00:46:50.180 19, 20 years.

00:46:50.600 20 years.

00:46:50.960 Almost 20 years, yeah.

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00:48:35.980 I see you as a youngster.

00:48:39.000 Yeah, well, I feel like a youngster in this business.

00:48:40.920 Yeah.

00:48:41.220 It took me until like about five years ago to really wake up.

00:48:43.900 How old are you?

00:48:44.720 Uh, 41.

00:48:46.600 I remember when Rodney told me, because I asked him, maybe it wasn't Rodney, it might have

00:48:50.780 been some other old guy, comic, because I hung out with all of them.

00:48:54.740 I loved them.

00:48:55.900 But, maybe it was Rodney.

00:48:58.260 But, he said, uh, you know, because I go, when do you get to the jamming part, you know?

00:49:04.920 Yeah.

00:49:05.480 And, he said, oh, it takes about 30 to 35 years to create a comic.

00:49:11.760 Wow.

00:49:12.300 I love that.

00:49:12.360 And, I'd already been doing it 20 or so years, and I was kind of offended. 0.96

00:49:16.540 And, I was like, well, he goes, you know, it takes that fucking long to arrange your brain

00:49:24.260 to get to that step of knowing the craft and being able to create it in the now. 0.53

00:49:33.800 Right.

00:49:34.220 And, now, you know, it's been 40 years, and I'm really enjoying that feeling of freedom

00:49:41.160 and, like, being able to create in the now.

00:49:43.940 Yeah.

00:49:44.280 On stage.

00:49:45.440 You're like a star, too, so it's a little, like, different.

00:49:48.460 Like, did you take time off from stand-up?

00:49:50.820 Like, what was, like, the long years of time?

00:49:52.960 Oh, years.

00:49:53.020 15 years.

00:49:53.460 Yeah, so there you go.

00:49:54.420 That's, you're gonna have to make up for that.

00:49:56.420 Yeah, because I always, you know, was working, and so, you know, it takes so much focus and 0.88

00:50:06.860 all that shit to get an hour. 0.97

00:50:08.540 Christ. 1.00

00:50:08.780 Oh, for sure, yeah.

00:50:09.620 Well, like, I remember Paul Reiser.

00:50:11.140 You've got so much material.

00:50:12.780 Yeah.

00:50:12.980 I mean, we were talking about how prolific you are.

00:50:15.760 It's because all I do.

00:50:16.720 It's like every day.

00:50:17.440 Well, I don't sit in a writer's room.

00:50:19.020 I don't have, you know, I don't, you know, like, it's the Roseanne show.

00:50:24.600 It's named after you.

00:50:26.000 Like, I mean, and you, that is a tremendous amount of work.

00:50:29.440 Yeah.

00:50:29.760 Like, and then you were doing all these other things.

00:50:32.460 I just have my little stand-up.

00:50:34.420 So, like, I can all day just see things and write things, and so, it's, it's.

00:50:38.680 That's what Tyler Fisher says, too.

00:50:39.940 Yeah.

00:50:40.360 It's just, it's all I have.

00:50:41.720 It's just me.

00:50:42.260 I don't have wife or kids.

00:50:43.540 I got no, so it's just, it's very easy to always be thinking of things and tinkering

00:50:47.520 with things.

00:50:48.360 They go, oh, you sold out the two shows.

00:50:49.740 I go, let's add a third, you know?

00:50:51.020 Like, I'll do more jokes, you know?

00:50:53.580 I always think to myself, like, it's just impressive to watch someone like you do the 0.98

00:50:59.820 stand-up, because I'm like, man, she's doing all this other crap. 0.94

00:51:03.100 There's just all this other stuff. 0.97

00:51:04.320 Yeah.

00:51:04.800 I didn't do a lot for the, about, I guess it was three or four years where I was just 0.96

00:51:12.620 stewing in my shit, you know? 0.99

00:51:14.740 Oh, really? 1.00

00:51:15.420 Well, trying to get back up off the mat.

00:51:19.120 Sure.

00:51:19.560 You know?

00:51:19.960 But I imagine stand-up would have been a great place to just go, hey, here's, you know.

00:51:22.840 That's what I did.

00:51:23.800 Yeah.

00:51:23.940 I went back to stand-up, because, you know, I needed to.

00:51:27.380 You can have a voice.

00:51:28.120 Yeah.

00:51:28.240 You can, like, defend yourself.

00:51:29.600 It's so unfair when those things happen.

00:51:31.940 But it was, you know.

00:51:32.920 Or podcast is a great space for that, too.

00:51:34.720 Yes.

00:51:35.320 Yeah.

00:51:35.700 But just to go back to the relationship with the audience, that live thing.

00:51:42.880 Oh, it's the best.

00:51:43.380 It's so good.

00:51:43.780 And if they came to see you, they like you.

00:51:45.480 Yeah.

00:51:46.200 So it's like, you know, people aren't going to.

00:51:49.440 I like it when they don't like me, too.

00:51:51.540 That was the one thing when I was in Austin at Joe's place before he did the mothership.

00:51:57.620 And somebody was, Ron White or somebody was bringing me up.

00:52:02.400 No, it was my other friend that doesn't talk to me anymore.

00:52:05.300 Who?

00:52:05.800 What's his name?

00:52:07.320 Well, it was Ron White that intro'd you, but. 0.91

00:52:10.020 The other one, the crazy one. 1.00

00:52:11.760 God damn it. 1.00

00:52:13.980 I don't think about it. 0.99

00:52:14.460 Sorry.

00:52:15.520 What, someone done talking?

00:52:17.580 I thought it was Tony. 0.92

00:52:18.140 Yeah, he goes crazy.

00:52:19.200 And then he calls me every five years.

00:52:20.700 Are you mad at me?

00:52:21.780 I go, I thought you were mad at me. 0.99

00:52:24.000 We're just both crazy. 0.97

00:52:25.600 Yeah.

00:52:25.920 But he's a great comic.

00:52:27.840 What's the one that I was going to.

00:52:29.360 I thought it was Tony and Ron White.

00:52:30.900 No, the one that lives in Arizona, Bisbee, Arizona.

00:52:33.940 Oh, you're talking about Doug Stanhope.

00:52:35.100 Yeah, Doug Stanhope. 0.99

00:52:35.820 Oh, yeah, he's crazy. 0.77

00:52:36.560 So he's like, you got to go on. 0.73

00:52:38.080 And my daughter was with me and she goes, don't go on here.

00:52:41.280 It's a blue city.

00:52:42.200 They're going to hate your guts.

00:52:43.820 So I was drunk. 1.00

00:52:44.660 So I go, fuck off. 1.00

00:52:45.900 Yeah, who cares? 1.00

00:52:46.720 So I went up there and I just, and it was a blue city and it went great.

00:52:50.880 That's great.

00:52:51.280 And so I kept doing it because I was like, they're going to hate me.

00:52:54.500 So I have to shift into third gear or something.

00:52:58.020 It just all came back.

00:52:59.460 I love that.

00:53:00.680 Don't you love that?

00:53:01.760 I love it.

00:53:02.300 And I also like people will sometimes see my act.

00:53:04.740 They go, no way you do that in Los Angeles.

00:53:06.720 I go, yes, I do.

00:53:07.660 And also, no matter what the audience is, I give them a lot of credit.

00:53:11.080 Like they're going to recognize if a joke's funny.

00:53:13.520 Yeah.

00:53:13.760 And it's almost better when I have like people watching me that are like,

00:53:16.480 I know they hate me.

00:53:18.300 And then they laugh.

00:53:19.460 And I'm like, that feels great because they didn't want to.

00:53:22.200 Yeah.

00:53:22.420 Like this isn't about agreeing with me.

00:53:25.680 This is about laughter.

00:53:27.620 It's about comedy.

00:53:28.780 Yeah.

00:53:29.060 So I don't need you to agree with me or to vote any certain way.

00:53:33.380 If I went up there and did my job and made you laugh, like that's the job.

00:53:37.080 Yeah.

00:53:37.440 So like, you know.

00:53:38.440 Do you get heckled a lot?

00:53:39.600 No, never.

00:53:40.660 Really?

00:53:41.020 Wow.

00:53:41.120 Yeah.

00:53:41.960 I used to get like, or I didn't used to.

00:53:43.620 The, when I first started, I had as many hecklers as anyone else who's unknown.

00:53:48.980 But as I, as time has progressed and I've gotten up better in my act, I don't talk to

00:53:53.900 the crowd much.

00:53:54.460 So they kind of, they learn early.

00:53:56.000 Like we're just not going to talk to this guy.

00:53:57.640 Yeah.

00:53:57.820 And then two, it's like the people who might be considered hecklers in my audience are

00:54:02.920 just really overexcited people.

00:54:06.040 Yeah.

00:54:06.400 So they're just like happy to be there.

00:54:07.860 So they're like, we love you.

00:54:08.900 Or, you know, they'll say like a joke, take your shirt off or something sexual like that.

00:54:13.160 But that's not heckling.

00:54:14.380 That's just someone who's happy to be there.

00:54:16.680 But you're doing non-woke comedy in California, which you've got a lot of, a lot of comics we

00:54:20.720 know are in a lot of trouble.

00:54:22.120 There was hecklers that got thrown out.

00:54:23.600 I had one guy push back on a joke.

00:54:25.380 I was making fun of the homeless.

00:54:26.600 Yeah.

00:54:27.160 And yeah, I had a great homeless joke.

00:54:29.180 Never punched out.

00:54:29.960 And this guy was, guy got all pissed off to like impress his girlfriend.

00:54:35.560 But then I like basically just ranted to him.

00:54:38.720 What was the joke?

00:54:39.240 What was the joke about the poor homeless?

00:54:40.640 Oh, I've got tons of homeless jokes. 0.96

00:54:41.820 You're horrible to make fun of the homeless. 0.91

00:54:43.500 I want to hear it. 1.00

00:54:44.160 They're terrible.

00:54:44.660 I'm over it.

00:54:45.460 My sympathy's got, I started the joke by, so I was talking about like, you know, traffic

00:54:49.820 or like, you know, whatever mundane subject I was talking about.

00:54:52.400 Then I just kind of like look into the audience kind of like thoughtfully.

00:54:55.340 And I'm like, why do homeless people have so much stuff?

00:55:01.200 You think that'd be the best part about being homeless is you don't have, you know, stuff.

00:55:05.360 You're not a capitalistic social like possessions.

00:55:08.860 But no, they got tons of stuff.

00:55:10.600 Some of it's my stuff.

00:55:12.800 But it's just me.

00:55:13.780 And this guy like threw a big fit.

00:55:15.840 And I then lectured him.

00:55:18.220 I was like, shame on you.

00:55:19.180 I've been up here 15 minutes.

00:55:20.320 I've made fun of alcoholics, right?

00:55:22.720 I'm alcoholism.

00:55:23.740 I made fun of women. 0.79

00:55:25.260 I was very aggressive.

00:55:26.540 And so were all the other comics about everything racial.

00:55:29.440 But then you heard one that you couldn't handle.

00:55:32.340 And you wanted to be a little brave boy in front of your girlfriend.

00:55:35.440 Comedy's about making fun of things.

00:55:37.320 And I just, it wasn't even funny.

00:55:38.440 It was just me lecturing him about comedy.

00:55:40.200 And the place like stood up and clapped.

00:55:42.400 And I was like, all right, I'm out of here.

00:55:43.460 Yeah, we're sick of being held down and told, you can't make fun of the powerful.

00:55:48.740 Yeah.

00:55:49.260 Or punching down.

00:55:50.580 I don't mind. 0.99

00:55:51.160 I'll punch down. 0.99

00:55:51.800 I'm with you. 0.99

00:55:52.200 Thank you.

00:55:52.580 I don't care at all. 0.99

00:55:53.160 Yeah, no shit. 0.99

00:55:53.880 Because I don't see it as down. 0.99

00:55:55.340 No, it's just funny.

00:55:56.060 There is no down.

00:55:57.080 Wait, like, in fact, to imply I'm punching down makes it sound like I think I'm above

00:56:01.320 someone.

00:56:01.580 Yeah, it does.

00:56:02.620 Right.

00:56:02.940 Yeah.

00:56:03.220 And also, I'm not talking about like some boxcar hobo with like a bindle stick. 0.93

00:56:07.420 Like, I'm talking about the 7,000 pill addled drug addicts jerking off in front of the school. 0.98

00:56:13.500 But enough about Congress. 0.84

00:56:17.260 So, I love your whole alcoholic trajectory.

00:56:21.600 I want to go there because it's so dark and hilarious.

00:56:23.500 Let's talk about it, yeah.

00:56:24.380 So, how do you worm your way into becoming a full-blown alcoholic?

00:56:29.280 Well, we talked about it before the podcast is that like I only kind of have like one gear.

00:56:34.720 You know, I was a church kid and a pretty late bloomer.

00:56:38.740 So, like kind of like nerdy and goofy and skinny and a church kid.

00:56:43.680 So, I didn't have a lot of opportunities with women. 1.00

00:56:47.780 You know, they weren't like throwing themselves at me.

00:56:49.260 But then also my brain, I was like, I'm waiting until I'm married.

00:56:51.660 And so, then once I had sex for the first time ever, like at 21 years old.

00:56:56.180 Oh, is that your first time?

00:56:57.700 Oh, my gosh.

00:56:58.080 That created a monster.

00:56:59.320 Because I'm like, now I'm going to do this as often as possible with any woman who wants to.

00:57:03.060 You know, like that created a monster.

00:57:04.720 And then same with alcohol.

00:57:06.300 I didn't have a drop of alcohol until I was 21.

00:57:08.660 And then that created a monster.

00:57:10.920 I'm like, I'm going to drink every day.

00:57:12.100 Like it felt cool to have a beer.

00:57:13.540 Did you combine alcohol with having sex?

00:57:16.960 Oh, all the time.

00:57:17.580 Because that's kind of the thing that makes you into alcohol.

00:57:20.220 And towards the end, pills and alcohol.

00:57:22.220 Oh, good.

00:57:22.820 Because all my friends.

00:57:23.620 Oh, good.

00:57:25.220 Because all my friends were partying at my house and they're doing cocaine.

00:57:29.280 And so, they're up all night.

00:57:30.720 But since I was just drinking, I would like pass out.

00:57:33.380 You know, bring a girl upstairs and go to bed or whatever. 1.00

00:57:36.000 And then I'd hear them partying until like 6 a.m.

00:57:38.400 And I'd be like so jealous.

00:57:39.700 Like, man, those guys are, I'm missing out on the party.

00:57:42.500 You know?

00:57:42.620 So, then I started like popping like Adderall while I'd drink.

00:57:47.760 And then that's when all the problems got like darker as far as like sending texts I 0.80

00:57:54.300 don't remember, ranting about some shit I knew nothing about just to like sound, you 0.92

00:57:59.500 know, smart or something. 0.98

00:58:01.240 Or drinking and driving.

00:58:03.140 You know, all those kind of like things.

00:58:04.980 You know, that's when it started.

00:58:06.280 Was that to get girls? 0.77

00:58:07.900 What?

00:58:08.040 Did you get more girls when you was acting that way than you did without?

00:58:13.640 I think I did.

00:58:14.540 Yeah.

00:58:14.900 Because the opportunity presented itself more often.

00:58:17.620 Well, maybe you were more courageous to approach them.

00:58:20.060 That's it.

00:58:20.620 And it was more like the setting of drinking is a sexual setting.

00:58:24.620 Like, oh, this is heading in a direction, you know?

00:58:26.820 Whereas opposed to like if there's a woman I'm interested in now, I'm like, let's hang 1.00

00:58:30.940 out.

00:58:31.400 And then you're kind of like waiting for the other person.

00:58:33.620 You don't really know.

00:58:34.340 Like, I know the moves when you're drinking, you know?

00:58:36.880 Yeah.

00:58:37.260 It's tricky.

00:58:38.580 Um, yeah, that would be weird.

00:58:40.760 So, you know, yeah, it's to, it's so funny because it's like you have so much courage

00:58:47.160 to go on stage.

00:58:48.340 Oh, yeah.

00:58:48.800 But then in one to one interactions, there's none of that courage, right?

00:58:53.260 Yeah, it is strange.

00:58:54.920 It's like, um, uh, I'm, I blame young people for this, but I'm also guilty of it. 1.00

00:59:01.140 It's like, I have way more game messaging symbol.

00:59:05.120 Yeah.

00:59:05.300 Because then there's, for whatever reason, maybe I've just practiced that more, but like,

00:59:09.100 I take way more risks verbally.

00:59:11.380 Well, because you don't have to see them.

00:59:13.080 Yeah.

00:59:13.540 You don't have to see how they're looking.

00:59:15.260 Like when they go, you know, you just keep going.

00:59:19.080 Like, oh, that hurt my feelings.

00:59:21.380 Yeah.

00:59:21.800 I don't know what it is.

00:59:22.420 I hate talking on the phone or face to face to people.

00:59:25.680 I love to text.

00:59:26.880 Oh, I love doing this.

00:59:27.980 I love a face to face conversation.

00:59:29.460 I'm good.

00:59:29.720 Like if I can get her to coffee, I'm good.

00:59:31.560 But it's like the, like, let's say there's a beautiful woman across from me at the bar. 0.99

00:59:35.700 Right.

00:59:36.600 And I've had this happen thousands of times.

00:59:39.700 I won't just walk over to her and go, hi, I'm Jeff.

00:59:42.520 Like, like a normal, like that sounds so easy the way I'm describing it.

00:59:45.880 Instead, I just stare at her like, like the whole time.

00:59:49.140 I probably look like weirdo.

00:59:50.680 Like, why is this guy just staring?

00:59:51.880 When you drink, when you were drinking.

00:59:53.360 When I was drinking, like at bars and stuff.

00:59:54.920 But I would, like, my friends would be like, Jeff, she's looking back at you and smiling.

00:59:59.320 That's her kind of dropping her nap or her like. 1.00

01:00:02.420 Yeah.

01:00:03.140 Her kerchief.

01:00:03.920 Her kerchief going like, you know, yes, come on.

01:00:06.340 And I just wouldn't.

01:00:07.340 Yeah.

01:00:07.660 And I'd end up leaving the bar after like an hour of just staring at a poor girl. 1.00

01:00:11.720 Creep.

01:00:11.820 But like, I don't know what that is.

01:00:13.340 Well, that's part of dyslexia and misreading social cues and not knowing how to interact.

01:00:18.860 I was just too afraid of what, I don't know what I thought would happen.

01:00:23.000 I don't know.

01:00:23.400 No, the intro is the hardest part.

01:00:24.860 Yeah.

01:00:25.120 Like, we were even talking about stand-up.

01:00:27.160 Remember, it was Sam Tripoli.

01:00:28.140 I find my best pick-up line is always worked for me.

01:00:32.020 And I was going to use it on you today. 0.97

01:00:34.160 What the hell is your problem? 0.97

01:00:36.140 Yeah. 0.92

01:00:36.500 It really works.

01:00:38.900 Always. 0.87

01:00:40.920 And what the hell is your problem? 0.97

01:00:42.940 So what the hell is your deal? 1.00

01:00:44.620 What's your fucking problem, pal? 1.00

01:00:46.720 It is funny. 1.00

01:00:48.040 But what is your problem, Jeff?

01:00:49.040 What do you got to say for yourself, Roseanne?

01:00:51.100 That's what I say.

01:00:51.860 What do you got to say for yourself? 1.00

01:00:53.320 What is your fucking problem, pal? 1.00

01:00:54.660 Oh, I got lots of problems, but I'm really happy with them. 1.00

01:00:57.600 That's cool.

01:00:58.340 Yeah.

01:00:59.460 Booze was a problem towards the end.

01:01:01.220 It was so fun until it wasn't.

01:01:04.060 What's your last...

01:01:05.440 Did you have that realization at some point, which I think is the real deal, where you're

01:01:11.080 like, you know what?

01:01:11.880 I can't numb myself one more second.

01:01:15.160 I think life is twice as exciting when you're present for it.

01:01:19.700 And as fun as booze was, it was really great.

01:01:22.360 And if you like drinking, drink.

01:01:24.160 You know, there's a reason people do it.

01:01:25.980 All these vices.

01:01:26.840 We don't live here long.

01:01:27.760 Enjoy yourself.

01:01:28.780 But if it starts interfering with life itself, then, you know, take a look at yourself and

01:01:33.460 ask yourself if it's worth it.

01:01:34.580 Because I got so much time back by being sober.

01:01:37.440 Well, I want to hear about your...

01:01:38.520 I spent so much blackout.

01:01:39.340 I want to hear about your last time where you're like, okay, God.

01:01:42.580 You want rock bottom. 0.91

01:01:43.300 I'm going to get...

01:01:43.780 I want rock bottom. 0.89

01:01:44.680 Oh, I'll tell you rock bottom.

01:01:45.400 I'm going to get sober.

01:01:46.560 Yeah, I'll tell you rock bottom.

01:01:47.460 Oh, boy.

01:01:47.940 I love these stories.

01:01:48.800 So I was drinking and popping pills until late at night.

01:01:52.720 What kind of pills?

01:01:53.740 Just Adderall.

01:01:54.720 Oh.

01:01:55.120 And I had people at my house.

01:01:56.660 But I knew I was going to go meet my ex-girlfriend the next morning.

01:02:00.400 Now, to give you some context on that, I hadn't seen her for two years.

01:02:05.500 Um, in Jeff brain, I'm still in love with her.

01:02:09.540 I think that she's, you know, the best woman I've ever been with.

01:02:13.420 I was very, very enamored by her.

01:02:16.880 For in her brain, I was just some distraction she had while she went through a divorce.

01:02:21.220 You know, I wasn't even really her boyfriend.

01:02:22.640 And that's okay.

01:02:23.220 That's just where she was.

01:02:24.240 Like, she just...

01:02:24.940 I wasn't as important to her as she was to me.

01:02:28.640 But for some reason in my brain, I'm like, she wants to get coffee with me.

01:02:33.080 And she's in California.

01:02:34.540 Maybe.

01:02:35.440 Maybe this will...

01:02:36.620 So I'm celebrating in a bit.

01:02:38.460 Like, in a way, I'm celebrating the night before.

01:02:40.540 Like, I'm going to meet with my ex-girlfriend tomorrow.

01:02:42.180 It's going to go great.

01:02:43.280 I'm going to...

01:02:43.840 She'll see me.

01:02:44.580 We're going to get married. 1.00

01:02:45.200 Yeah, you know, I'm just an idiot. 1.00

01:02:47.660 But I was like a little puppy dog, just excited. 0.99

01:02:50.420 But because I drank so much the night before, I went to bed at a decent hour, you know, for

01:02:55.040 an alcoholic.

01:02:56.060 You know, it was like 1 a.m. or whatever.

01:02:57.780 And for a, you know, Saturday night, that's pretty good for me.

01:03:00.880 I'm thinking I'm going to bed early.

01:03:02.360 So I wake up at like, you know, 8 a.m. or 9 a.m. or something like that.

01:03:07.940 And my phone is ringing off the hook.

01:03:10.000 I'm late.

01:03:10.920 I slept through my alarm.

01:03:12.620 Bad first impression if I'm trying to win her back is now she's waiting at a coffee shop 1.00

01:03:16.880 for me.

01:03:17.140 Oh, no. 1.00

01:03:17.700 So I'm like an idiot. 1.00

01:03:18.680 I'm afraid she's going to say like, I'm just... 1.00

01:03:20.520 We'll do this another time or, you know, whatever.

01:03:22.500 Throw a little fit.

01:03:23.700 So I, just as quick as I could, jumped in my car.

01:03:27.340 And I'm driving my car.

01:03:28.680 I'm whizzing in and out of traffic, trying to get there as quick as possible.

01:03:32.480 Lose control.

01:03:33.720 Oh, no.

01:03:34.560 Hit a tree.

01:03:35.480 Oh, no.

01:03:36.480 So embarrassing.

01:03:37.920 The car is, I mean, a wreck.

01:03:40.060 Like, I went through a bunch of lanes of traffic, smashed into the street.

01:03:43.200 Windshield smashed.

01:03:44.360 All the things smashed.

01:03:44.920 Were you still drunk or just tired?

01:03:46.640 I think that was, yeah, from the night before.

01:03:48.640 And also, you get up in a hurry.

01:03:50.080 But I did sleep for like 7 or 8 hours.

01:03:52.420 That ain't enough.

01:03:53.380 That ain't enough.

01:03:53.960 Especially how much my tolerance was from being an alcoholic for so long.

01:03:58.560 I could drink a lot.

01:03:59.620 And that's not a brag.

01:04:00.580 It's just I'm a big guy.

01:04:01.740 And, you know, if you drink as often as I was from morning to night, you get a pretty high tolerance.

01:04:05.760 So anyways, I was like, well, I don't want to miss this opportunity to see my ex.

01:04:10.900 And also, I've always been a runner.

01:04:13.300 So I ran from the car.

01:04:16.280 Oh, it gets way worse.

01:04:17.000 That's just the beginning.

01:04:18.680 So it's not like no one saw this.

01:04:22.440 It's a huge car crash in front of a tree.

01:04:25.300 So people are coming out of buildings.

01:04:27.720 People are coming out of like the laundromat.

01:04:29.580 Like, are you okay?

01:04:30.700 And I'm like, I'm fine.

01:04:31.820 And I'm just running.

01:04:32.920 I run down the street.

01:04:34.400 That's a hit and run, isn't it?

01:04:35.000 Yeah.

01:04:35.360 Well, I guess it's a tree.

01:04:36.880 So I don't know if it counts as a hit and run.

01:04:38.320 But like just left the scene of an accident.

01:04:41.080 And it's like the car's on fire, you know.

01:04:43.680 And I'm just like, just going to do a quick jog.

01:04:45.520 You know, just trying to like hope nobody saw me.

01:04:47.580 But everyone saw me.

01:04:48.720 And there's cameras everywhere.

01:04:49.660 Also, the Tesla footage, it's just me going, the cars record you.

01:04:55.520 So that's embarrassing.

01:04:56.920 And God knows what I said in the thing.

01:04:59.000 And so I run like, it's probably over a mile.

01:05:02.980 But it's all adrenaline.

01:05:03.980 Just adrenaline.

01:05:04.920 So it just felt like nothing to me.

01:05:06.420 So I get to the coffee shop and there's my ex-girlfriend. 1.00

01:05:09.280 And I'm like, hey.

01:05:10.480 I just give her.

01:05:10.980 I act like nothing happened.

01:05:12.720 But I'm in my mind going, what am I going to do?

01:05:14.880 Like this is, you know, I was probably going to tell her once we sat down and had coffee or something.

01:05:19.020 But in my mind, I'm just like, I don't know what to do here.

01:05:21.920 And she's like, how have you been?

01:05:22.900 I'm like, I'm good.

01:05:23.600 You know, I just, you know, I don't know what to say.

01:05:25.500 It's all adrenaline.

01:05:26.700 I order my coffee.

01:05:27.980 I go to this coffee shop all the time.

01:05:29.440 So I know the baristas, which is a big part of me picking that is I wanted her to see like, oh, I'm cool.

01:05:33.800 I know everyone here.

01:05:35.020 So I'm talking to the baristas.

01:05:37.320 We order our coffee.

01:05:39.100 And then I'm just sitting there.

01:05:40.180 And all of a sudden, a cop comes in.

01:05:41.400 He goes, hey, do you drive here?

01:05:43.300 And I'm not a good liar or nothing.

01:05:46.260 I was like, huh?

01:05:47.620 I just kind of like turned away from him.

01:05:49.240 Like I tried to ignore him or something.

01:05:51.420 And then he goes, hey, did you two drive here together?

01:05:54.380 And then I looked at her and I was like, I wanted her to like lie maybe before.

01:05:57.900 I didn't know what to do.

01:05:58.860 So finally just turned to him and I go, can we do this outside?

01:06:01.420 And he's like, huh?

01:06:02.800 I was like, can we do it?

01:06:03.600 Because I didn't want the baristas to see it.

01:06:05.240 I didn't want her to see it.

01:06:06.480 So then I'm trying to get him to go down the street.

01:06:10.800 I'm like, let's go down the street.

01:06:12.240 Like, I don't want to do this in front of them.

01:06:13.980 Because even the people at that coffee shop, although I don't know them by name or anything,

01:06:17.860 they know I'm like a regular.

01:06:19.200 We see the same customers and all this different stuff.

01:06:21.440 So all the baristas are looking out the window.

01:06:23.280 So my ex, who I'm in love, not my ex, a girl I dated that I was in love with is now looking

01:06:27.920 out the way.

01:06:28.260 Everyone's trying to figure out what's going on.

01:06:29.560 And I'm like, let's go down the street.

01:06:31.260 And this guy's like, whoa, man, whoa.

01:06:33.000 And he's like, starts to put like, it got a little handsy and all this different stuff.

01:06:36.660 It was very weird.

01:06:38.540 And then I went to jail for 15 hours.

01:06:42.260 For leaving the scene of the crime or driving drunk?

01:06:44.500 I was over the limit.

01:06:46.680 He made me do the brother.

01:06:47.540 We did all the tests.

01:06:48.480 I sat there for a minute after we wrestled around.

01:06:50.820 I don't know.

01:06:51.780 Jesus.

01:06:52.220 Well, what happened with the girl?

01:06:54.440 So, because they take your phone right away.

01:06:57.580 So in jail, all I was doing is just thinking, like, does everyone know about this?

01:07:03.040 And I'm like the laughing stock of my friend group.

01:07:05.900 Oh, she saw everything.

01:07:06.780 She saw them put me in the thing.

01:07:08.320 It was more to me.

01:07:09.280 Also, I tried every angle with the cops.

01:07:12.160 I tried with like, hey, man, you know, like, this is nothing.

01:07:15.880 It's not going to happen.

01:07:16.540 Then I went to like stage two.

01:07:18.020 I'm like, hey, she's famous, you know.

01:07:19.320 That girl in there, she's famous. 0.98

01:07:20.920 And so that didn't work.

01:07:22.560 And I tried.

01:07:23.120 I was like, well, you know, I'm a comedian.

01:07:24.260 That didn't work. 0.99

01:07:24.880 You don't give a shit what I do. 0.99

01:07:26.100 And then I tried like, I tried, I tried like literally every kind of like whatever I could 0.99

01:07:30.760 get.

01:07:31.120 It didn't work.

01:07:31.720 He still took me to jail.

01:07:32.900 Also, jail's scary.

01:07:34.220 You ever been to jail?

01:07:34.980 Yeah. 1.00

01:07:35.180 Dude, those people suck. 1.00

01:07:36.740 Yeah, they do. 1.00

01:07:37.540 Everyone in there.

01:07:38.360 I was like, oh, I'm, these are like, I don't ever want to come back to this place again.

01:07:41.980 Yeah, that's what I thought too.

01:07:42.460 Like, they're so scary.

01:07:43.900 I never saw women like that before or after in my whole life. 1.00

01:07:49.580 Mom, we keep telling people to do precious metals.

01:07:51.680 We tell them for a reason.

01:07:52.800 We don't need to get into it.

01:07:53.760 People that watch the show know that we talk about it all the time.

01:07:56.400 And with good reason, it's real money.

01:07:58.200 Everybody's talking about it.

01:07:59.200 Everybody does.

01:07:59.900 And especially now with, you know, Trump winning and the stock market, it's doing well

01:08:04.920 now.

01:08:05.200 But it's just a crazy time.

01:08:06.980 And everybody's seen how crazy it is finally.

01:08:09.420 I think the Great Awakening happened, so to speak.

01:08:11.880 And you really want to put your money in precious metals as much as you can afford to protect

01:08:16.700 your wealth.

01:08:17.340 It's not an investment.

01:08:18.560 It's to protect your wealth.

01:08:20.020 That's really that simple.

01:08:21.140 So, I urge y'all to do it.

01:08:23.860 Don't wait till it's too late.

01:08:25.700 Visit noblegoldinvestments.com now and bag up to 10 one ounce silver Trump coins or a

01:08:34.640 10 ounce silver American flag bar with a qualifying account.

01:08:40.120 That's rosanbargold.com.

01:08:44.740 Noble Gold Investments.

01:08:46.840 Protect your wealth while you still can.

01:08:49.280 Yeah, you can buy silver and gold or roll your IRA over lots of smart things to do.

01:08:55.740 Well, they put me in detox.

01:08:57.400 Oh.

01:08:57.920 So, at first.

01:09:00.240 And I'm detoxing from the night before alcohol that I'm not even feeling, really.

01:09:05.000 They're detoxing. 0.94

01:09:05.660 Like, these are like homeless guys and shit that are like detoxing from like, you know, 0.98

01:09:09.880 meth or heroin or something. 0.98

01:09:11.180 So, they're like having a physical reaction to the detox.

01:09:14.920 Yikes.

01:09:15.140 They're like head butting the glass until they bleed. 0.99

01:09:17.400 Oh, shoot. 0.99

01:09:17.860 Yeah.

01:09:18.060 I mean, it was really scary in there at first, especially.

01:09:20.700 Um, so, yeah.

01:09:23.020 And so, when I got out, I looked at my phone and no one had heard or known anything about

01:09:27.740 it.

01:09:27.780 They thought I just was being quiet and not texting that day.

01:09:30.620 So, luckily, I wasn't like the laughing stock of the world.

01:09:34.380 And so, I was like, oh, the worst day of my life is I'm not going to be humiliated by

01:09:39.820 everybody.

01:09:40.220 It's only who I tell are going to know about it.

01:09:42.700 And then, I texted her.

01:09:44.120 I said, hey, you know, I tried to play it down because I was so humiliated.

01:09:47.800 I was like, oh, yeah.

01:09:49.040 I crashed my car and then I ran because I started thinking to myself like, the real reason I

01:09:53.400 ran too is because I thought, oh, they're going to start asking questions if I was drinking.

01:09:56.920 Right.

01:09:57.400 You know, I could suspect that that's where that was headed.

01:10:00.240 Right. 1.00

01:10:01.060 Long story short, she was like, oh, my gosh, you're nuts. 0.99

01:10:03.520 And she seemed like she was like so like, you know, nice about it because I thought we 0.99

01:10:07.940 had a friendly relationship.

01:10:09.100 I must have been wrong.

01:10:10.620 But she was like, oh, man, that's crazy. 1.00

01:10:12.340 You know, like you're a nut. 0.99

01:10:13.920 You just left your car. 0.99

01:10:14.780 And I was like, yeah, I was scared.

01:10:15.860 I was just like, you know, trying to get to this date or whatever.

01:10:18.700 And she's like, oh, you know, and it seemed like it was no big deal.

01:10:21.260 I'm going through everything.

01:10:22.200 My manager takes me to the courthouse, the whole thing.

01:10:25.360 You know, I had to go went and bought a new car the next day.

01:10:27.960 And then she told it on her podcast.

01:10:31.460 Uh-oh.

01:10:32.160 Yeah. 0.99

01:10:32.580 And made me look like a pretty big loser. 0.57

01:10:34.960 Like, and also the thing too is like she didn't say my name or whatever.

01:10:39.100 But like the, have you ever, have you ever listened to someone talk about you and they

01:10:42.780 don't, they're not aware that you're listening to it?

01:10:46.720 Yeah.

01:10:47.100 The way she spoke about me like crushed my heart.

01:10:50.120 Oh, this is hurt.

01:10:50.660 Yeah.

01:10:51.080 She was like, the way she was like talking about me, she was like, I don't even know why

01:10:54.340 I agreed to go to coffee.

01:10:55.960 Oh, no.

01:10:56.380 Yeah.

01:10:56.620 And then her like co-host is like, yeah, why would you go to coffee with him?

01:10:59.960 She's like, never again. 0.93

01:11:01.040 Like the, she talked about me like I was the biggest loser stranger in the world.

01:11:06.940 And then obviously the tabloids and everybody knew exactly who she's talking about.

01:11:10.340 So it became this big story.

01:11:12.460 And that was so humiliating that I was like, I'm going to have to be sober.

01:11:14.840 I'm going to start telling her secrets on everything.

01:11:17.520 I'm going to start, you know, and I didn't want to, I didn't want to drunkenly deal with

01:11:21.900 the mess.

01:11:22.860 Yeah.

01:11:23.040 But didn't the judge tell you you had to get sober?

01:11:26.040 No, that's just in my act.

01:11:27.620 I love that joke.

01:11:29.080 Yeah.

01:11:29.240 I love that joke.

01:11:30.800 Although I did have to go see a therapist.

01:11:32.940 So sometimes in my act, I'll use it for that part.

01:11:34.840 I'll be like, I'm in therapy.

01:11:35.920 It's court ordered.

01:11:38.060 But, but the actual sobriety was my choice.

01:11:40.580 And then I just started feeling so much better because as you age, you know, you get the aches

01:11:44.540 and the pains and I like waking up without alcohol.

01:11:48.280 I was like, man, I feel like a superhero.

01:11:49.860 Like it's crazy.

01:11:51.260 So you like it.

01:11:52.520 I really love it.

01:11:53.260 Yeah.

01:11:53.340 And so how long has it been since you've been sober?

01:11:55.680 14 months.

01:11:56.980 Congrats.

01:11:57.320 That's over a year.

01:11:58.200 Yeah.

01:11:58.580 A year and a year and two months.

01:11:59.700 Do you go to all them funky meetings?

01:12:01.640 Sometimes.

01:12:02.340 Yeah.

01:12:02.600 But only because I go to one meeting only and it's all comics.

01:12:06.820 Oh yeah.

01:12:07.560 So I love it.

01:12:08.260 I used to love to go there because you can steal material.

01:12:11.660 No, I'm kidding.

01:12:12.820 But no, they have good stories.

01:12:14.520 Yeah.

01:12:14.860 And also there are people who love me and they're like, they understand like the business and

01:12:18.680 like we will bitch about the same things. 0.62

01:12:21.040 You know, like people are in the shares.

01:12:22.340 It's like a two minute share, three minute share.

01:12:24.200 And they'll be like, this week is Netflix is a joke and I wasn't invited to it.

01:12:28.600 You know, like we're all kind of complaining about like the business in a way too.

01:12:31.680 But like we're all addicts.

01:12:32.860 So it worked out.

01:12:33.720 That sounds like a great podcast if you film that.

01:12:35.620 Oh, it was.

01:12:36.220 But it's anonymous.

01:12:37.820 It was a joke.

01:12:38.480 I used to, I used to, I was married.

01:12:40.700 But it would be.

01:12:41.320 I was married to a drug addict, alcoholic, you know, who shall remain nameless.

01:12:46.780 Very liberal. 0.62

01:12:48.700 Oh yeah.

01:12:51.380 Yeah.

01:12:53.040 And he used to have the AA meetings at our house because, you know, they were all a lot

01:12:59.600 of famous guys and him.

01:13:01.420 Yeah.

01:13:01.620 But no, um, like all these rock star guys and they have it down in my living room and

01:13:07.780 I'm horrible.

01:13:09.420 And so I would like listen through the heating bed.

01:13:12.860 So what they were saying.

01:13:14.460 And, um, then later I would say all these guys came to my house for Alcoholics Anonymous

01:13:20.280 and I would.

01:13:21.900 Oh, that's funny.

01:13:23.720 You know, it was here.

01:13:25.020 Yeah.

01:13:25.380 Naming the guys.

01:13:27.040 Yeah.

01:13:27.440 For the, I do like, I made a, I made the names up.

01:13:30.100 But still funny.

01:13:31.080 Yeah.

01:13:31.300 I like doing the, um, I like saying, uh, Jeff Dye, alcoholic.

01:13:36.580 Like that's always my favorite thing to do first and last name and like point to myself

01:13:39.700 enthusiastically before I share that you shouldn't be proud of being an alcoholic, but that's

01:13:45.700 fun.

01:13:46.640 But, uh, I did hear like, uh, like really big stars talk about like my favorite one I heard

01:13:54.660 down the heating bed.

01:13:56.560 There's this one.

01:13:57.620 He's dead now.

01:13:58.440 So it's okay.

01:13:59.120 Okay.

01:13:59.380 And, but he's like, well, yeah, but, uh, I guess I shouldn't say his name either, but

01:14:06.200 I will. 0.99

01:14:06.780 He's like, yeah, well, Ringo was saying, well, I'm getting a blowjob from Miss Sweden. 0.99

01:14:12.840 That's one of the ones I heard. 0.99

01:14:14.180 They're just comparing like, yeah. 0.99

01:14:16.400 Who they're getting a blowjob from. 0.98

01:14:18.400 And I, it's weird that your resume would be part of that. 0.99

01:14:21.080 You know, they're still bragging.

01:14:22.120 And I was like, yeah, it's like, aren't you supposed to be talking about your relationship

01:14:26.700 with your higher power?

01:14:28.080 Yeah.

01:14:28.340 And that's supposed to be some sort of thing. 0.99

01:14:29.780 They was all just talking about who they got blowjobs from. 0.98

01:14:32.240 They're all bragging in a way. 0.99

01:14:33.620 Yeah.

01:14:34.000 Yeah.

01:14:34.520 I feel like that with the church.

01:14:35.880 I grew up like in the church.

01:14:37.160 Uh, and anytime someone would tell me their testimony.

01:14:40.800 Yeah.

01:14:41.220 It was like, they were like, I feel like they were a little too proud of it.

01:14:44.960 Yeah.

01:14:45.280 They're like, Oh buddy, me back in my twenties.

01:14:47.840 I had fun.

01:14:48.800 Dude.

01:14:49.180 I was really lost.

01:14:50.760 You know, they would like mask it.

01:14:51.940 They would like use these buzzwords for the church.

01:14:54.160 Yeah.

01:14:54.440 I was just a lost sinner, Jeff. 1.00

01:14:57.060 I was having sex with some of the most beautiful girls. 1.00

01:14:59.480 You're like, you're just bragging to me. 0.98

01:15:01.320 Yeah, right?

01:15:01.860 Yeah, it's very weird.

01:15:02.340 That's what I always thought too. 1.00

01:15:03.680 Your testimonies suck. 1.00

01:15:06.320 It sounds more exciting than, you know. 1.00

01:15:08.520 That's what I used to say.

01:15:09.600 You guys are just all getting together.

01:15:11.420 Talk about the fun you used to have.

01:15:12.920 Yeah, exactly.

01:15:13.900 It's pretty easy to get clean when you've lived like that for so long. 0.99

01:15:16.300 Yeah, no shit. 1.00

01:15:17.500 Getting blowjobs from Miss Sweden. 1.00

01:15:18.380 You got it all out of your system. 1.00

01:15:19.980 Yeah, yeah.

01:15:20.340 Now you can't have that life and now you've chose to.

01:15:24.280 That's pretty funny.

01:15:24.760 But they would do good things, you know.

01:15:27.360 AA's been really beautiful for me, but I think it's because they're all comics.

01:15:30.960 I think that's why I've taken to it so much.

01:15:33.020 Did it change your comedy to get sober and go through that?

01:15:36.060 Yeah, sobriety's helped my comedy a lot.

01:15:37.940 Because I used to always joke that I'd be, I would have been more successful if I stopped

01:15:41.800 drinking earlier because the early show is always great and everyone in the early show

01:15:45.200 is like, man, this guy should be more successful.

01:15:46.660 He was really funny.

01:15:47.460 But then the late show, you know, everyone's like, we want our money back.

01:15:51.180 That guy's just drunk up there. 0.99

01:15:52.760 I'm just like in the front row going, cool tits. 1.00

01:15:54.400 You know, just like literally like I was a terrible comic because I would just get hammered 0.99

01:15:57.680 in between shows.

01:15:59.900 It'd be like if everybody-

01:16:01.020 Ron White tells the best story about that, like doing one show where he killed, so he 0.99

01:16:05.740 got all fucked up. 0.99

01:16:07.140 And then the next show was death. 1.00

01:16:09.320 Yeah, it's terrible.

01:16:10.260 And that's when the press came to review it.

01:16:12.400 Oh no.

01:16:13.540 All those stories.

01:16:15.260 Well, that's what it feels like.

01:16:16.340 It'd be like if you were like a car salesman and you're like, man, you know, Jake's really

01:16:21.740 selling a lot of cars. 0.99

01:16:22.840 Let's go get him fucked up at lunch. 1.00

01:16:24.640 And then like your second half of your shift, you're just terrible. 0.99

01:16:27.840 And that's what it feels like in comedy for sure.

01:16:29.660 Plus we have such a fun job.

01:16:31.480 It's so fun.

01:16:32.000 Our bosses are like shocked when we don't do drugs.

01:16:35.220 Right.

01:16:35.460 Like the bosses of these comedy clubs, they're not like a very professional boss.

01:16:38.740 No.

01:16:39.240 They just give you free alcohol.

01:16:40.640 They like give you free drugs.

01:16:42.320 If you do poorly, right.

01:16:43.640 The only standup comedy is the only job where even if I do bad, my manager or my, like the 1.00

01:16:47.960 manager of the comedy club will be like, ah, fuck them. 0.99

01:16:49.800 You know, they don't even care if I did good or not. 1.00

01:16:52.080 It's crazy.

01:16:53.140 Till you don't sell tickets.

01:16:54.460 That's different.

01:16:55.200 Yeah. 0.99

01:16:55.540 But I'm saying the actual standup part, they don't give a shit about. 0.98

01:16:58.540 Not till you don't sell tickets. 0.98

01:17:00.180 Yeah.

01:17:00.380 You got to still make them some money.

01:17:02.020 Then it's like, nah, you won't be back.

01:17:03.780 Yeah.

01:17:03.940 But if it was sold out.

01:17:04.820 We thought you were funny.

01:17:06.500 But if it was sold out, then you could do anything you want up there.

01:17:10.380 Yeah.

01:17:11.180 I've been through the up and down and the whole thing over 40 years.

01:17:14.760 I can't imagine you being in the down.

01:17:15.900 Oh, honey.

01:17:16.920 Well, in life I can, or like in your temperament or your whatever.

01:17:20.640 But I'm saying like in ticket sales, when would anyone not pay to see your shows?

01:17:24.680 You know, in the 15 years when I didn't do it, people, you know, thought, well, they thought

01:17:30.380 I was the TV character and they forgot that I did stand up.

01:17:34.600 So I had to go out there and start all over again, you know?

01:17:37.580 Oh, interesting.

01:17:38.040 And they're like, we didn't even, we didn't even know you did that.

01:17:42.720 Well, in, I don't know what timeline that is, but at least when I was watching you on

01:17:48.500 television, every show was just a standup comic.

01:17:52.200 Everybody Loves Raymond was Ray Romano's.

01:17:54.360 Right.

01:17:54.640 You know, standup sitcom.

01:17:56.020 It's a Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Reiser, literally Brett Butler.

01:18:01.020 Yeah.

01:18:01.240 Right.

01:18:01.440 Mark Curry for Hanging with Mr. Cooper.

01:18:03.620 Right.

01:18:04.040 What was it, Thea even had a show? 0.99

01:18:05.500 Yeah.

01:18:06.060 She was a standup.

01:18:06.820 But those were all standups.

01:18:07.720 A very good show, yeah.

01:18:08.340 Just got a sitcom.

01:18:10.400 Yeah.

01:18:10.780 Yeah.

01:18:11.260 Even Bob Saget.

01:18:12.200 I mean, he was a comic and then he was on America's Funniest videos in Full House.

01:18:16.680 He was really funny.

01:18:17.740 I love that guy.

01:18:18.840 Yeah.

01:18:19.020 Very funny.

01:18:20.000 Do you ever follow all that Bob Saget conspiracy theories? 0.99

01:18:24.360 Very shit about how he died. 0.97

01:18:25.860 I looked into, you know, it's actually funny you're bringing that up because I used to 0.99

01:18:29.760 always say that like, shouldn't we look into that?

01:18:32.800 Mm-hmm.

01:18:33.320 Yeah.

01:18:33.840 People are afraid to look into a thing out of like, they'll say like, so for example,

01:18:37.940 if you thought 9-11 was an inside job, you'd be socially pressured to keep that to yourself

01:18:46.120 out of respect for people who are dealing with the tragedy, right?

01:18:51.420 Right.

01:18:51.680 But it doesn't help those people dealing with the tragedy if it really was an inside job.

01:18:58.200 Yeah.

01:18:58.420 We only tend to care about things, or not care about things, but we only tend to look

01:19:02.500 into things once it's too late.

01:19:04.880 Yeah.

01:19:05.220 You know, like the JFK thing, like we're now, everybody's on the same page, but now nobody

01:19:09.060 can be held accountable for it because it took too long.

01:19:11.500 Well, they're waiting for all that.

01:19:12.280 Bob Saget, you might ruffle some feathers by saying that Bob Saget might've had a suspicious

01:19:16.380 death, but if it was something else, we should be looking into it now when it matters.

01:19:23.000 Yeah.

01:19:23.360 Not 20 years from now.

01:19:25.340 Well, they wait till the guilty are dead.

01:19:27.920 Yeah.

01:19:28.020 But that's unfair. 0.98

01:19:28.660 That sucks. 0.64

01:19:29.940 Yeah, but- 0.94

01:19:30.660 I want justice.

01:19:31.740 I do too, but I don't know if they'll ever get it.

01:19:34.800 That's what I hate about karma, Roseanne.

01:19:36.500 Yeah. 0.98

01:19:36.900 Takes too fucking long. 0.98

01:19:38.800 You think it does. 0.99

01:19:40.060 I feel like it does. 1.00

01:19:41.000 But yeah, it looks that way when all these perverts and shit die happy in their bed, 1.00

01:19:46.280 in their mansions. 1.00

01:19:47.900 Yeah.

01:19:48.320 Right?

01:19:48.820 Yeah.

01:19:49.640 But I guess everybody says, oh, you never know, but then you kind of do know, hey, they

01:19:54.360 died happy in their mansions.

01:19:55.820 Yeah, exactly. 1.00

01:19:56.800 So what the fuck is that karma shit? 1.00

01:19:58.540 Right, exactly. 1.00

01:19:59.500 Well, they go, well, he probably was in a lot of suffering of guilt.

01:20:04.200 No, he wasn't. 0.99

01:20:04.900 No, he didn't give a shit. 0.99

01:20:06.100 Yeah, like, and he's literally thought, yeah, it's crazy. 0.99

01:20:08.500 But then you got to think, well, this literally is hell.

01:20:11.980 So of course the bad guys are going to finish first.

01:20:15.360 Yeah, I guess. 0.98

01:20:16.300 I hope that hell is real for people like that. 0.93

01:20:18.920 It's just crazy that they just get rewarded.

01:20:20.760 Don't you think this whole world is just hell? 1.00

01:20:22.560 Like the fucking good people die and the criminals profit. 0.99

01:20:27.000 And, you know, the only thing that keeps it from being, the only thing that keeps it just 0.99

01:20:33.560 in any way is comedy.

01:20:35.480 Yeah.

01:20:36.120 I mean, I've never looked at it that way.

01:20:37.600 I do ponder, if we're going to talk about this, that maybe heaven and hell is here.

01:20:42.980 Yeah.

01:20:43.280 And like you choose it every day.

01:20:44.900 And I've seen people in hell.

01:20:46.020 And I feel like I live in heaven.

01:20:47.460 Like my life is really beautiful.

01:20:48.860 I'm very happy, you know?

01:20:50.060 Like it's so cool for me to do this.

01:20:51.980 Yeah.

01:20:52.120 This is my day, you know?

01:20:53.280 And then I get to go watch the Lakers game.

01:20:54.900 And like, that's heaven.

01:20:56.140 Like I get to like literally be with people that make me happy.

01:20:59.540 And I think that some people- 0.87

01:21:01.680 You get to tear shit apart and put it back together in a whole new way to make everybody 0.98

01:21:06.240 happy and have a minute of joy. 1.00

01:21:09.500 And like laughter unscrambles all the bullshit. 0.99

01:21:12.540 Yeah, it's great. 0.99

01:21:13.340 For that minute.

01:21:13.900 And it's all about just a higher level of thinking.

01:21:17.600 And I think it lifts people-

01:21:20.120 100%.

01:21:20.880 To laugh with a whole group of people that don't look exactly like them. 0.98

01:21:25.980 Yeah.

01:21:26.420 And also, even if they disagree with me politically, they'll listen to me more telling a joke about

01:21:32.900 it than they would maybe turning on CNN or Fox News.

01:21:36.920 Right.

01:21:37.200 Well, those are funny.

01:21:37.800 Like they're at least more open to it.

01:21:39.600 Well, those are funny.

01:21:40.440 Comedically.

01:21:41.060 But they're not that funny.

01:21:42.600 What's that?

01:21:43.140 CNN.

01:21:43.580 Well, yeah, but I'm saying like, if I was a full Trumper Republican, I would never even

01:21:49.980 consider listening to CNN.

01:21:52.000 Right.

01:21:52.220 And if I'm a real lefty Kamala person, and I wouldn't even consider turning on Fox News

01:21:56.860 to hear what they have to say.

01:21:58.100 But both of those parties would go to a comedy show.

01:22:00.780 Right.

01:22:01.000 Yeah.

01:22:01.300 And listen to a comic.

01:22:02.400 Yeah.

01:22:02.640 On either side of the aisle.

01:22:03.680 So, even if someone disagrees with me politically, they would still hear me out and go, that

01:22:08.240 guy's funny.

01:22:08.920 Or that guy tried to be funny.

01:22:10.580 Yeah.

01:22:11.060 Because I always ask the audience who's happy with the election, who's not happy.

01:22:16.860 Yeah.

01:22:17.120 Just to see how it's, you know, the split of who's who.

01:22:20.700 Where have you done that?

01:22:21.960 Like what cities?

01:22:22.440 Oh, where did I go last?

01:22:23.660 San Antonio and Austin's the last comedy you've done.

01:22:25.560 Yeah, San Antonio.

01:22:26.500 Do you like Mothership?

01:22:29.480 Well, I had a horrible last set there.

01:22:32.080 Oh, really?

01:22:32.440 So, I never went back.

01:22:33.540 Well, I went back once to try to make amends to God.

01:22:37.720 But I had like a psychotic break.

01:22:40.500 Oh, really?

01:22:40.880 Well, you ate too many mushrooms.

01:22:42.500 Yeah.

01:22:42.920 That'll do it.

01:22:43.500 That green room's full of good stuff.

01:22:44.900 Don't ever go in the green room and then-

01:22:46.140 That green room's full of good stuff.

01:22:47.780 I smoked their pot and ate their mushrooms.

01:22:51.960 And then I went on stage.

01:22:52.500 And then I went on stage and I should not have done that.

01:22:54.380 Yeah, but that happens.

01:22:55.660 If anybody should understand, it's all those Austin comics.

01:22:57.940 Absolutely.

01:22:58.740 But, you know, Tony Hinchcliffe roasted me.

01:23:03.160 Back in the day on Comedy Central or-

01:23:04.980 The night I bombed.

01:23:05.560 Oh, that night.

01:23:06.420 Right after.

01:23:06.940 And he came off stage after.

01:23:08.680 He didn't think I was there.

01:23:09.820 He thought I was up getting effed up in the green room.

01:23:12.580 Yeah.

01:23:13.000 But I was backstage listening.

01:23:14.760 Yeah.

01:23:15.080 And he came off stage and saw me and his eyes go like this.

01:23:19.420 Yeah, exactly.

01:23:20.460 Yeah. 1.00

01:23:20.680 And I go, you dirty motherfucker. 1.00

01:23:23.300 I will get so fucking even with you at SPAC day. 1.00

01:23:27.200 The time is- 0.99

01:23:28.280 But he had a great joke about me.

01:23:30.280 He goes, Christ, if I wanted to see an old lady bomb, I would have voted for Hillary Clinton. 1.00

01:23:36.140 That's good.

01:23:37.320 What's your favorite insult anybody's ever hit you with?

01:23:40.920 With her personally?

01:23:42.400 I just-

01:23:43.000 Yeah, like-

01:23:43.680 I love to be insulted.

01:23:45.520 I think it's hilarious.

01:23:46.200 Me too.

01:23:46.600 That's why I said, like, what's your favorite?

01:23:47.940 I know you've got a good sense of humor.

01:23:49.100 Oh, they always go off on me for crazy, being married to Tom Arnold.

01:23:54.380 Yeah.

01:23:54.580 You know, just the crazy thing always cracks me up.

01:23:58.920 I've got a special on YouTube right now called The Last Cowboy in L.A.

01:24:02.240 So I was booking all these podcasts, again, kind of like a clump.

01:24:05.740 So I did like Matt McCuskers.

01:24:07.400 I did Joe Rogan.

01:24:08.500 I did Your Mom's House with Tom Zagirian.

01:24:10.260 Kind of the normal run of good podcasts.

01:24:13.060 And one of my favorite comments was a guy who wrote, he wrote, this dude's already ruined

01:24:18.200 three podcasts for me this week.

01:24:21.760 I just thought that was the best insult.

01:24:23.900 I was like, I didn't just hate this guy, but every podcast I listen to, he keeps being

01:24:28.260 the guest on.

01:24:29.040 I just thought that was so funny.

01:24:29.920 I got people who love to hate me.

01:24:32.160 Yeah.

01:24:32.500 My fans that hate me.

01:24:34.340 I love them.

01:24:35.040 And this one person goes everywhere that I'm on and posts the same thing, and it's hilarious.

01:24:43.060 I always give him the thumbs up.

01:24:45.140 But it goes, The Conners is my favorite show.

01:24:49.800 Oh, that's good.

01:24:51.740 That was, did you make, I don't know if you've already, you've probably already talked about

01:24:55.520 this on your podcast a million times, but did you make, do they have to pay you or anything

01:24:59.420 for The Conners?

01:24:59.820 No, they stole it.

01:25:00.500 They stole it.

01:25:00.900 You're kidding.

01:25:01.220 They're allowed to do that?

01:25:01.960 No, they stole the whole thing.

01:25:02.820 And then they, oh my God, don't get me started.

01:25:05.480 Yeah, it's very sad.

01:25:06.100 They stole the whole thing and I don't make a dollar off them six years.

01:25:09.200 That's wild.

01:25:09.960 Isn't it?

01:25:10.140 It's horrible, isn't it?

01:25:10.880 Yeah.

01:25:11.160 Was Whitney Cummings a part of The Roseanne Show?

01:25:13.660 She thought she was.

01:25:14.900 I was going to. 0.99

01:25:15.780 Me and her gotten some fucking knocked down drag outs. 1.00

01:25:19.400 That fucking. 1.00

01:25:20.120 Well, she was the, she worked on it that 10 season. 1.00

01:25:22.700 She did.

01:25:23.060 She worked on it.

01:25:24.160 On the reboot or on the original?

01:25:25.760 Yeah.

01:25:25.780 On the reboot.

01:25:26.240 She worked on the reboot.

01:25:27.200 I thought she was part of the original.

01:25:28.540 No.

01:25:29.040 No.

01:25:29.260 Well, Tom Warner hired her to be one of the head writers.

01:25:34.900 I think she was one of the head writers.

01:25:37.520 She really knew how to draw an outline on the blackboard.

01:25:43.180 I've never seen anyone so adept at drawing an outline on the blackboard such as act one,

01:25:51.380 scene one, scene two, scene three, act two, scene one.

01:25:55.480 Was there stuff after that or was it just the colon and that was it?

01:25:57.900 Just the outline.

01:25:58.660 Yeah.

01:25:59.240 She's good at that. 0.97

01:26:01.660 None of the story.

01:26:02.920 Just the outline.

01:26:03.960 She didn't get asked that.

01:26:05.080 She could break down a story, but, you know, I thought she could break down a story, but 1.00

01:26:10.260 she was a complete fucking out of her fucking mind. 1.00

01:26:13.640 Oh, really? 1.00

01:26:14.680 Yeah.

01:26:15.420 Which is crazy.

01:26:16.480 Yeah.

01:26:16.620 I don't know her very good.

01:26:17.260 She reminds me of...

01:26:18.860 I just thought, like, she was, like, a writer on it, because I remember...

01:26:21.700 Yeah, she was.

01:26:22.220 She was, yeah.

01:26:23.020 You can let it fall.

01:26:23.440 But she would say things like... 0.99

01:26:26.460 Just let it fall.

01:26:27.500 Just let it fall. 1.00

01:26:28.180 Imagine the most classist fucking thing you could think that a libtard would say about 1.00

01:26:38.840 deplorable, toothless, working class people. 1.00

01:26:44.960 Yeah.

01:26:45.360 And she would say that.

01:26:46.340 Yeah.

01:26:46.860 Really?

01:26:47.680 Yeah.

01:26:48.080 You know she's a Trumper now, right? 1.00

01:26:50.260 Have you seen that?

01:26:50.760 Oh, she is? 0.68

01:26:52.140 It's not out, but you can see it.

01:26:53.840 And she does talk a lot about being pushed a little bit more conservative.

01:26:56.560 This is like Sarah Silverman claiming that she's not woke now.

01:26:59.580 That's what they do, because they realize it's not cool anymore.

01:27:00.600 It's like every one of these people turned on me during COVID lockdowns, because I was

01:27:06.420 the only one who was willing to say on screen, plenty of people were willing to say it off

01:27:10.540 screen.

01:27:10.880 Right. 1.00

01:27:11.280 I was the only one on my Instagram going, this is bullshit. 0.99

01:27:13.400 I'm not going to get the vax, and I'm not going to wear the mask, and I'm not going 0.99

01:27:16.020 to lock down in my house.

01:27:17.140 And then when I put the cherry on the top was when Black Lives Matter happened, and I

01:27:22.140 go, this is wrong.

01:27:23.120 Yeah.

01:27:23.320 What's happening is wrong.

01:27:24.560 Right.

01:27:24.700 This is...

01:27:25.340 Like, I'm not doing this. 0.89

01:27:26.520 I'm not going to apologize for a bunch of shit I didn't do, and you can't just make 0.83

01:27:30.380 us look like villains just for being existing. 0.96

01:27:33.620 Right.

01:27:33.880 And that's when everyone was like, we got to step away from Jeff.

01:27:36.160 Jeff's gone crazy.

01:27:37.340 And now the same...

01:27:38.720 They did that to her, too.

01:27:39.680 And now they're like, hey, this Trump, this being conservative is pretty cool.

01:27:43.340 Yeah.

01:27:43.580 Oh, we could say anything.

01:27:44.680 And they talk about how they were canceled.

01:27:46.460 Yeah. 0.99

01:27:46.640 I don't want to talk shit. 0.99

01:27:47.460 I won't name names, but the wife of someone's podcast you did, old family friend, she goes 0.99

01:27:52.980 all on about how she was canceled and so edgy, and she didn't say shit when my mom got 0.98

01:27:57.360 canceled. 0.99

01:27:57.640 Yeah.

01:27:57.800 She was a family friend.

01:27:58.780 And now they're all moving to the right, and they're like, yeah, this is edgy comedy.

01:28:02.360 It makes me so mad.

01:28:03.760 I'm sorry. 0.96

01:28:04.080 It is so very hypocritical.

01:28:05.060 Yeah, where were you when we actually, when comics were getting canceled, when I was getting

01:28:08.280 canceled? 1.00

01:28:08.680 You were a fucking libtard. 1.00

01:28:09.920 Yeah, it's crazy to me. 1.00

01:28:10.940 Yeah, they were all, but you know, that's how things go.

01:28:14.000 I'm just glad they moved more center away from the extremes.

01:28:19.180 Yeah.

01:28:19.480 Yeah.

01:28:19.620 Because, you know, I was there when I thought that it was going too far extreme right.

01:28:24.200 Oh, for sure.

01:28:24.800 I always like to make sure it doesn't go extreme.

01:28:27.820 That's good.

01:28:28.340 Either way.

01:28:28.760 Yeah.

01:28:29.180 Correct.

01:28:29.380 Right?

01:28:29.680 That's what comedy is about, the middle.

01:28:31.880 When also, like, I don't know if it's as middle as much as it is just being, like,

01:28:37.400 reasonable.

01:28:38.620 Like, you know.

01:28:39.280 That is a middle, common sense.

01:28:40.980 Yeah, just common sense.

01:28:42.220 And, like, very often, you know, like, you'd say, like, every issue could have, like, a

01:28:47.520 nice middle to it.

01:28:48.500 You didn't have to point out, like, an obvious exception to defend your position.

01:28:52.100 Right.

01:28:52.340 You know, like, I don't know.

01:28:53.340 Maybe Christians could be like, hey, plan B's fine. 1.00

01:28:56.540 Right. 0.97

01:28:56.700 Or maybe, like, you know, maybe we could agree on maybe not killing a baby at seven months.

01:29:02.640 Yeah.

01:29:02.740 Or, like, I think we could all agree on that, couldn't we?

01:29:05.000 But who is going to stand their argument at, like, an eight-month baby?

01:29:09.440 I know.

01:29:10.200 So, or fetus, or whatever the hell.

01:29:12.400 So, it's like, if you just, was anyone who just realistically have the conversations, yes,

01:29:16.640 cut whatever body part you want off, maybe don't have the taxes pay for it. 0.89

01:29:21.380 Maybe it's not covered by healthcare from other people.

01:29:23.620 Maybe don't do it to kids.

01:29:25.080 Yeah.

01:29:25.180 Yeah, maybe, yeah, exactly.

01:29:26.160 Those conversations could happen, and we could meet a reasonable-

01:29:29.280 Absolutely.

01:29:29.880 Instead, they just want to stay in their parties and argue and yell at each other. 0.99

01:29:34.060 Well, because they're just completely insane. 0.71

01:29:36.060 Yeah, it's tribal. 0.86

01:29:37.200 They find their tribe, and they just go, this is what.

01:29:40.160 No, it's not tribal, because tribal's for self, you know-

01:29:45.500 Survival?

01:29:46.580 Yeah.

01:29:47.160 Yeah.

01:29:47.480 Tribal is people banding together to live.

01:29:50.240 Yeah.

01:29:50.680 So, they're not tribal.

01:29:52.060 Yeah.

01:29:52.240 I said they're, like, suicidal.

01:29:53.900 Good point.

01:29:54.420 That's a good point. 1.00

01:29:54.960 Fucking suicidal empathy. 0.99

01:29:56.900 It is weird. 0.99

01:29:57.920 Yeah, it's very, um, I don't understand it.

01:30:01.820 Because, I mean, it's for survival in there.

01:30:03.240 I mean, think about it.

01:30:04.220 It's like, we want to be sterilized by the government.

01:30:08.340 Yeah, we'd like to.

01:30:09.320 We want to take, we want to take, uh, experimental drugs that may kill us.

01:30:14.600 Yeah.

01:30:15.600 And we want to pay for it, too.

01:30:17.660 What does this government doesn't have the right to tell us that we don't have the right 0.99

01:30:21.720 to work for shit wages in dangerous places? 0.99

01:30:26.080 That's the libertarians to me. 1.00

01:30:27.220 That's exactly the libertarians, yeah.

01:30:28.820 I used to think I was a libertarian at first. 1.00

01:30:30.980 They're all fucking crazy. 0.99

01:30:31.720 And then I really, like, because it sounds good. 1.00

01:30:33.480 If you only listen to a little bit of libertarians, they, like, seduce you, you know?

01:30:36.540 Yeah, it's pretty cool.

01:30:37.100 They're like, hey, why should the government tell you what to do with your, with your house?

01:30:40.920 And I go, hell yeah.

01:30:42.100 Yeah.

01:30:42.480 And then they go, why should the government give you water?

01:30:45.060 And you're like, wait, how am I going to get water?

01:30:46.540 Like, wait, wait, wait.

01:30:47.040 Like, at first I was on board and now I'm going, wait, what the hell is going on here?

01:30:50.680 Yeah.

01:30:50.720 It's like, oh, good. 0.99

01:30:51.540 Let's not have a government so then the billionaires can just run every fucking thing we do. 1.00

01:30:57.700 Yeah, exactly. 0.97

01:30:58.120 Yeah, let's not have any government to protect us.

01:31:00.960 Yeah, exactly. 1.00

01:31:01.460 Yeah, stupid fucking lemming. 1.00

01:31:03.360 Well, the government gets rich off these things, too. 1.00

01:31:05.580 It's like everyone's looking for their answers in the government on the left.

01:31:08.480 Like, they're like, well, we should make a system.

01:31:10.040 It's like, those systems fail over and over.

01:31:12.400 And they're very expensive systems.

01:31:14.300 Yeah, because it's built in for chaos.

01:31:16.340 It's built in to make money.

01:31:17.800 Yeah.

01:31:18.000 Well, also, I mean, it's so evil.

01:31:20.960 It's just a, it's just an evil. 1.00

01:31:24.180 Because evil is stupidity. 1.00

01:31:27.960 Sanctioned stupidity is evil. 1.00

01:31:30.300 Because that's against the better interests of everyone alive. 1.00

01:31:33.780 Yeah.

01:31:34.380 Yeah, it's very weird that people, like, I just don't think, I don't understand how people

01:31:39.160 don't question more things.

01:31:41.900 Like, they just kind of trust it all, I feel like.

01:31:44.720 Yeah, don't they?

01:31:45.480 That, like, I'll say, well, why wouldn't you believe in aliens?

01:31:48.340 And they're like, because.

01:31:49.460 I go, I know, but why?

01:31:51.040 And they're like, do you need to see it on the news?

01:31:54.140 Like, what would do it for you?

01:31:57.080 Like, if there's all these sightings of Bigfoot or aliens or something, like, what do you need

01:32:02.900 before you acknowledge it?

01:32:04.460 And it's like, well, I don't know if it was in a zoo.

01:32:06.320 You're like, okay, I guess.

01:32:07.800 Like, why is that your measurement of what is real or not real?

01:32:11.760 It's just a strange thing.

01:32:12.440 It's like they just want to do what they're told.

01:32:15.000 Yeah.

01:32:15.420 It's very strange.

01:32:15.920 What do you think of those orbs?

01:32:18.060 The drones.

01:32:18.660 Yeah, I think that they're, I think that's how things travel.

01:32:21.720 I think that's how, like, spirits travel.

01:32:23.220 I think that's how, like, beings travel that we don't understand.

01:32:26.800 Yeah.

01:32:26.920 I think that's how you get from things is light.

01:32:30.460 I figured, yeah, I do too.

01:32:32.120 Yeah. 0.99

01:32:32.320 And then I was thinking, hey, maybe they're thought bubbles in this fucking cartoon we're 0.99

01:32:38.060 living in. 0.99

01:32:38.400 You're talking about the drones, right?

01:32:40.040 Huh?

01:32:40.280 No, you're talking about the orbs or the drones?

01:32:42.280 The orbs.

01:32:42.500 Oh, okay.

01:32:42.960 Yeah.

01:32:43.060 You're talking about the drones.

01:32:43.780 Sorry.

01:32:44.400 No, the drones has got to be a military thing.

01:32:46.220 Yeah.

01:32:46.740 I think, what I'm worried about is what they're looking for.

01:32:50.080 So, if all those drones, whether they're from, there's no way that they're foreign.

01:32:54.660 No, they're ours.

01:32:55.160 I think they're domestic.

01:32:55.660 100%.

01:32:56.020 But, like, what are they looking for?

01:32:58.260 Is there, like, a nuke in New Jersey that we don't know about?

01:33:00.400 Yeah, like, what are they possibly scanning for?

01:33:02.720 Dude, send him that article that you sent me.

01:33:05.460 Yeah.

01:33:05.520 Do you know Tori?

01:33:06.700 Mm-mm.

01:33:07.860 But we'll play it later because it's too late to get out.

01:33:09.760 Yeah.

01:33:10.100 But, essentially, it's AI.

01:33:12.260 This is a belief.

01:33:13.380 It's surveillance drones, but they're AI.

01:33:16.180 So, they don't really, they're just looking for threats.

01:33:18.980 Interesting.

01:33:19.340 They know how to avoid radar.

01:33:20.340 Some people say they're looking for radioactivity.

01:33:22.680 Well, they might be looking for, they might be programmed to look, like, the weirdest

01:33:26.240 thing was Trump's.

01:33:26.620 They might be looking for that uranium that's missing.

01:33:29.240 Yeah, maybe.

01:33:30.020 Well, they could also, their program, you saw that Israeli assassination last year with 0.96

01:33:35.280 the drone, right?

01:33:36.200 Yeah.

01:33:36.880 The face scan drone.

01:33:38.300 Yeah.

01:33:38.600 Yeah.

01:33:39.080 So, all I'll say is.

01:33:41.260 I am so proud of the Jewish people as a Jew.

01:33:43.980 Oh, here we go.

01:33:44.320 I just have to say, because, I mean, I'm really proud that they can blow up people with the

01:33:50.780 pagers and stuff.

01:33:51.880 Yeah, it's awesome. 0.99

01:33:52.320 That's, like, next level shit. 0.99

01:33:54.080 Yeah, really tech. 1.00

01:33:54.900 High tech.

01:33:55.440 High tech.

01:33:56.200 Yeah.

01:33:56.480 It's next level.

01:33:58.720 Yeah.

01:33:59.200 Right?

01:34:00.800 I'm surprised. 0.95

01:34:01.440 It's like, you thought you were smarter than the Jews, but you're not. 1.00

01:34:04.940 No. 0.99

01:34:05.340 Now that they've got these murder drones. 0.57

01:34:08.140 Yeah.

01:34:08.380 Well, that's what I'm saying. 0.98

01:34:09.120 There's no fucking way. 0.99

01:34:09.880 I don't understand why people who blame the Jews for everything and say the Jews control 0.99

01:34:14.820 everything and then say, you know, and I'm against that. 1.00

01:34:19.160 How stupid is that? 1.00

01:34:20.580 Yeah. 1.00

01:34:21.020 To get out there in public. 1.00

01:34:22.680 The damn Jews control everything, including the weather, and I'm against them. 1.00

01:34:27.760 Well, you stupid motherfucker. 1.00

01:34:29.540 They control it. 1.00

01:34:30.340 They're going to fall in line. 1.00

01:34:32.000 They're going to come for you, you stupid bastards. 1.00

01:34:33.920 And then I'm like, why would they taunt a people that are so PTSD and have nukes? 1.00

01:34:41.940 I'm surprised more Jewish people haven't come to the right politically. 0.87

01:34:48.340 Me too.

01:34:48.520 I tried to get them there.

01:34:49.820 After all the, after the Middle East stuff, you would think for sure they would abandon 1.00

01:34:55.860 the left.

01:34:56.560 No, but they are.

01:34:57.760 No, but they are.

01:34:58.780 Because Israel has their deep state just like we do, and it's the same people.

01:35:02.860 Oh, okay.

01:35:03.500 And so over there, they voted out all the leftists and woke up and they go, these people are getting 0.98

01:35:08.600 us killed. 0.98

01:35:09.380 Yes.

01:35:09.960 Yeah.

01:35:10.200 It would be pretty easy for me to like, if I was, you know, my mom's Jewish, but like

01:35:14.820 we don't know much about it really.

01:35:17.220 But like, it would be pretty easy for me to go, oh, this is pretty anti-Semitic.

01:35:21.060 This is pretty egregious.

01:35:22.080 What's happening?

01:35:22.780 Like, I don't know.

01:35:23.860 Surprised more.

01:35:24.580 I'm surprised not all Jews aren't just Republican. 1.00

01:35:26.560 I am too.

01:35:27.900 Yeah.

01:35:28.280 It's a horrible psyop.

01:35:29.920 Yeah.

01:35:30.180 It's very strange.

01:35:31.080 It's a psyop to destroy the Western world.

01:35:34.440 Like Libya and Syria just fell to caliphate, and so everybody on the right and left is

01:35:40.980 blaming Israel.

01:35:42.000 I mean, hello?

01:35:43.360 Yeah.

01:35:44.340 I don't know.

01:35:45.260 I literally, the Middle East thing is the most puzzling of all the current events for

01:35:50.600 me. 0.99

01:35:50.880 It's because it's commie fucking controlled. 0.99

01:35:53.280 It's frightening. 0.99

01:35:53.840 Like, I think it's like one of the things you, like all the other things I go, this

01:35:56.800 will just be a thing that us Americans will bicker about in policy and bills. 0.95

01:36:00.680 And then whenever I look, like read whatever's happening every hour in the Middle East, it's

01:36:06.420 terrifying.

01:36:07.120 Like, I'm actually scared.

01:36:08.520 Yeah.

01:36:08.600 I'm like-

01:36:08.960 It's never going to stop.

01:36:09.640 Like, this isn't a thousand years ago.

01:36:11.100 Like, this is now.

01:36:12.560 Yeah.

01:36:12.580 And you just go, this is frightening.

01:36:13.100 It's the same story forever.

01:36:14.440 Yeah, it's frightening.

01:36:15.080 But, I mean, I think that it is about intelligence and technology, and nobody can beat Israel. 1.00

01:36:25.160 And Israel works with Saudi Arabia, and nobody can beat Saudi Arabia either. 0.93

01:36:29.600 Yeah.

01:36:29.860 And the U.S.

01:36:30.380 It's going down.

01:36:31.860 Yeah.

01:36:32.360 You know?

01:36:32.900 Well, the U.S. just does what Israel tells them to do. 0.61

01:36:35.280 Well, and vice versa.

01:36:36.200 I mean, it's mutually beneficial. 1.00

01:36:36.580 No, I think it's the other way, and I think the U.S. under Biden is too stupid, and Israel's 1.00

01:36:43.240 like, okay, we've hung with you for this long, but bitch, you're wrong. 1.00

01:36:47.500 Yeah. 0.99

01:36:47.720 And we're not listening anymore.

01:36:49.120 So, against the advice of the Biden-Obama-Bush administration, they just went, we're going

01:36:58.280 to have to do it ourselves.

01:36:59.540 And I love that the people of Syria were cheering, as are the people in Iran, as are the Druze 1.00

01:37:05.200 people, going, we're sick of this fucking leftist shit, too. 1.00

01:37:08.640 I love it. 1.00

01:37:09.040 Because it always brings a caliphate.

01:37:11.000 Yeah.

01:37:11.500 Every time.

01:37:12.620 I think, again, maybe we just need more common sense everywhere.

01:37:16.300 We do.

01:37:16.920 And what about God?

01:37:18.200 Do you like God?

01:37:19.120 Big God guy, yeah.

01:37:20.480 Yeah.

01:37:21.040 Yeah.

01:37:21.840 He's like changing everything, and he's in control, don't you think?

01:37:26.500 A hundred percent. 1.00

01:37:27.520 We might be too stupid to see it yet. 1.00

01:37:30.180 I'm the only, I don't know a lot of comics who talk about religion or God. 1.00

01:37:35.360 I do.

01:37:36.200 I talk to all the comics about that.

01:37:38.200 Well, but they don't do it in their act, at least.

01:37:40.020 No.

01:37:40.080 Or they don't talk about it very comfortably, even in AA.

01:37:44.300 They'll say, well, I don't do the whole God thing, or I really struggle with the whole

01:37:48.900 God, but it's almost trendy for them to start by saying they reject the God part, but it's

01:37:54.620 the prayer has helped them.

01:37:56.620 And you're like, well, why did you need to do that disclaimer about God?

01:37:59.200 Also, AA is about God.

01:38:00.700 It's supposed to be.

01:38:01.420 Well, they always go, that's the part I really, because they're just so afraid to associate

01:38:05.120 with religion or dogma or Jesus or God.

01:38:09.460 And it's like, what's the problem?

01:38:11.180 Yeah.

01:38:11.680 I don't know.

01:38:11.920 Well, it's like, I cannot fathom that anything could be smarter than me.

01:38:17.760 Yeah.

01:38:18.420 That's flustering.

01:38:19.460 You're like, oh, God thinks he's so great, smarter than me.

01:38:22.080 I talk about God in my act.

01:38:24.560 I do all the time.

01:38:25.440 Do you?

01:38:25.880 Yeah.

01:38:26.180 I love it.

01:38:26.560 I haven't seen you do that.

01:38:27.560 I have a bunch of Jesus stuff and a bunch of God stuff.

01:38:30.280 I do a whole bit about Muslims and why our God's better.

01:38:33.860 Oh, boy, I want to hear it.

01:38:35.080 One of the punchlines is, bite it, Muslims, we win. 1.00

01:38:38.200 Best God.

01:38:40.260 My favorite joke in that bit is that I say, I talk about all the things I like about Jesus

01:38:45.180 because I start about Muslims and then I go, no, but Jesus is way better because he died. 0.97

01:38:49.580 We don't have to die.

01:38:50.400 We don't have to blow ourselves up or anything.

01:38:52.380 He died for us.

01:38:53.500 So we get to live.

01:38:54.500 That's pretty good.

01:38:55.540 Also, you can draw him.

01:38:56.880 Which is a real strong perk.

01:39:00.480 I don't know if you know that.

01:39:01.560 Many have died for threatening to even draw the prophet Muhammad or Allah.

01:39:06.700 And I'm like, but not Jesus.

01:39:07.860 He don't even care.

01:39:09.360 You don't even have to draw him correctly.

01:39:11.640 Most don't.

01:39:13.020 I'll be drawing Jesus. 0.78

01:39:14.100 Jesus himself could be like, hey, you know, I was from the Middle East. 0.99

01:39:17.780 And I'm like, yeah, yeah, shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:39:19.200 I draw him with a white nose. 1.00

01:39:22.060 Cowboy boots.

01:39:24.760 I did a joke this weekend that was a little risky.

01:39:26.600 But the crowd loved it.

01:39:28.360 Maybe that's because I was in Indiana.

01:39:30.100 But I was like, so many people like to talk to me and other Christians about how Jesus wasn't white.

01:39:36.380 They think that that's some great argument.

01:39:38.520 Like, you know, Jesus wasn't white. 0.54

01:39:40.240 He was from the Middle East.

01:39:42.040 One, nobody's religion rests on the race of any of our heroes.

01:39:47.420 And then secondly, we only know the genetical makeup of Mary.

01:39:51.140 He was half God, half human.

01:39:54.640 You know, he was from the Holy Spirit.

01:39:57.260 And, you know, God's white. 0.70

01:39:58.620 So, for sure.

01:40:00.140 For sure.

01:40:01.340 So good.

01:40:02.580 At least half white.

01:40:04.740 All those assumptions.

01:40:06.580 That's good.

01:40:07.020 Things we've piled on to our, you know.

01:40:10.880 And then, that's all to keep us from knowing what we're supposed to do.

01:40:15.140 Yeah.

01:40:15.860 Right?

01:40:16.520 Yeah.

01:40:16.760 Because we're supposed to do something here.

01:40:18.940 Don't you think?

01:40:19.860 Yeah.

01:40:20.160 But I think it's to inspire and to, like, figure out why we're here.

01:40:23.820 Yeah.

01:40:24.060 You figured it out. 0.99

01:40:24.860 And also, it's to fix our own damn self. 0.99

01:40:27.800 Yeah. 0.97

01:40:28.140 You know, Jesus said, when you get the desire to pick a splinter out of somebody else's eye, 0.99

01:40:34.820 that is a slight indication you've got a big fucking beam in yours. 0.99

01:40:39.240 A plank in your eye. 1.00

01:40:40.020 Yeah, exactly.

01:40:40.960 Yeah.

01:40:41.060 Isn't that so smart true?

01:40:44.360 Yeah.

01:40:45.180 That's why comedy's so great, because I think that's what we're doing.

01:40:50.900 I think so, too.

01:40:51.700 Like, it's pointing out the truth, and that's why we're so obsessed with it.

01:40:54.880 Like, we're tapping into a thing, I think.

01:40:58.140 And do you like Rumi?

01:40:59.700 Do you know who that is?

01:41:00.280 The Persian poet?

01:41:01.980 Yeah.

01:41:02.320 Yeah.

01:41:02.460 Till Bianche named one of her kids after him.

01:41:06.560 She named her kid Rumi?

01:41:08.240 Yeah.

01:41:08.360 I didn't know that.

01:41:09.020 That's wild.

01:41:10.100 So, that put a damper on it.

01:41:12.160 But, yeah, I do love Rumi.

01:41:13.340 I love him.

01:41:14.080 I think that he's infinitely brilliant, but one of my favorite poems he has is called

01:41:20.440 Moses and the Shepherd.

01:41:22.740 And I'm going to do a terrible version of summarizing the poem.

01:41:26.660 Good, everyone else has, so go for it.

01:41:28.740 Yeah, exactly.

01:41:29.360 But the poem is something like that Moses is in, like, a caravan or whatever,

01:41:35.220 and he sees a shepherd praying.

01:41:37.040 And the shepherd's praying to God, and the shepherd's praying, like, oh, Lord, I want to sweep your room while you sleep.

01:41:45.080 I want to feed you milk.

01:41:47.420 I want to pick the lice from your hair. 1.00

01:41:49.560 I want to put little socks on your tiny feet. 1.00

01:41:52.500 And then finally Moses is like, who are you praying to?

01:41:56.220 And then the shepherd's like, huh?

01:41:57.860 And he's like, you're talking to God like he's your uncle or something.

01:42:01.780 This is a very blasphemous way to pray.

01:42:04.060 And the shepherd was so humiliated that he had offended God or embarrassed himself praying like that,

01:42:09.880 that he rips his clothes and he flees.

01:42:12.320 And Moses is, you know, that guy's prayed wrong, you know.

01:42:16.040 And then God appears to Moses and says, what are you doing?

01:42:20.120 Why would you?

01:42:21.220 People pray to me in different ways.

01:42:23.000 The Hindus see me the way Hindus do. 1.00

01:42:25.820 The Jews see me in a Jewish way. 0.55

01:42:28.020 The Christians see. 0.70

01:42:28.980 Everyone's, I am above your labels and above your languages. 0.98

01:42:33.360 I'm above your ideas of these things.

01:42:37.040 And it's just so smart to look at religion that way.

01:42:39.380 Is that like water is a lot of things.

01:42:42.680 We call water H2O.

01:42:44.140 We call it Vassar.

01:42:45.200 We call it Agawai.

01:42:46.380 But it doesn't have a word.

01:42:47.840 It just is.

01:42:48.640 It just is this thing.

01:42:49.820 And I think that's how God or religion is.

01:42:51.500 Is that like we know right and wrong.

01:42:53.460 And we know when we're hurting someone or when we're helping someone.

01:42:55.980 And I think that like you, we put our like Christian labels or our Jewish labels on these things that are bigger than us.

01:43:02.320 Yeah.

01:43:03.000 I think so too.

01:43:04.180 And it's such a beautiful poem.

01:43:05.440 I mean like you should listen to it.

01:43:06.300 It's called Moses and the Shepherd.

01:43:08.060 But it's like.

01:43:08.400 I will listen to it.

01:43:09.400 So pretty.

01:43:10.240 And like just a smart way of thinking about our divine.

01:43:15.000 It is about divine, isn't it?

01:43:16.580 Yeah.

01:43:17.460 Comedy's divine.

01:43:18.700 100%.

01:43:19.140 It's definitely mine.

01:43:20.260 I love to watch all comics and talk to them about that.

01:43:23.960 Because it's so deeply spiritual to me.

01:43:26.080 Yeah.

01:43:26.480 And I can see it in other comics.

01:43:28.140 Just the creative process.

01:43:30.060 And all artists.

01:43:31.440 It makes us.

01:43:32.140 Well, yeah.

01:43:32.540 I think especially all artists, like musicians and stuff, like generally you're a thinker if you do these kind of things, you know?

01:43:38.400 Like you're wondering about where we come from, you know?

01:43:40.880 Like I remember even really young being like obsessed with like why we're here.

01:43:45.400 Like for whatever reason, that was an interesting question to me.

01:43:48.220 Like what's the point of all this?

01:43:51.160 Thinking that way.

01:43:52.160 Do you remember your first thought of that?

01:43:55.300 I remember my first, what age I was questioning it was like third grade.

01:44:02.760 Because my friends had no.

01:44:03.660 What's that, eight?

01:44:04.840 Yeah.

01:44:06.180 But like because my friends had no answers.

01:44:07.800 I was like disappointed in them.

01:44:09.180 I was like, what do you mean?

01:44:10.080 Like they had all the answers when I asked about Hulk Hogan or like Ken Griffey Jr.

01:44:14.400 Like my friends had so many answers.

01:44:16.720 I couldn't get my mind around.

01:44:17.520 What was your question?

01:44:18.820 I was just going like, why are we here?

01:44:20.160 Like what's the point?

01:44:21.340 What are we supposed to do?

01:44:23.460 Like what?

01:44:23.740 Like, like I just, I liked those kind of, what happens when we die?

01:44:27.480 I think that's a big one, you know?

01:44:28.600 Like I was always so afraid of death.

01:44:30.380 My grandma died.

01:44:31.000 I'm like, oh, what happens?

01:44:31.980 Where'd she go?

01:44:32.680 You know, like what does that mean?

01:44:34.440 But I guess those just aren't questions that many people stress themselves out about.

01:44:39.520 They say you get those existential questions at about eight years old.

01:44:43.260 There you go.

01:44:43.580 Your consciousness is formed to where you start having those.

01:44:47.160 Yeah.

01:44:48.460 Kind of thoughts at that age or even younger.

01:44:51.340 Yeah.

01:44:51.700 Because we are so, we are like born conscious beings.

01:44:56.020 Well, but I know grownups that don't care about those questions.

01:44:58.960 Well, they probably did when they were little, but it got like scared out of them or beaten

01:45:03.420 out of them to not ask anymore, you know?

01:45:06.720 Yeah.

01:45:06.860 So they lose the awe.

01:45:08.640 I talked to RFK about it.

01:45:09.780 Like the first time we ever met.

01:45:11.280 I love talking to him about this stuff.

01:45:13.340 He's the best.

01:45:13.700 Yeah.

01:45:13.880 He was like really like, he was recommending all these books and like links to articles

01:45:18.180 that he has read about like what happens when someone like gets into like a really bad

01:45:21.820 accident or like this woman's like canoe went over a waterfall and she was like technically 1.00

01:45:26.740 dead.

01:45:27.240 But like her experience of like what happened during that, he's like really into like those

01:45:32.180 kind of sub, but I'm like, I wish my friends were more like this.

01:45:35.240 Like the first time we're meeting, we're able to have like this.

01:45:38.140 It doesn't make him uncomfortable or it doesn't make people feel weird to talk about it.

01:45:41.880 I love talking about it.

01:45:43.400 My one friend, Colleen Kemp, she gave me this book like 30 years ago.

01:45:48.120 Remember her book by Dr. Dink?

01:45:51.280 Oh God, yes.

01:45:52.340 It was like how you can tell what needs to be fixed in your life by the marks on your car.

01:46:02.740 The dents.

01:46:03.560 That's pretty good.

01:46:04.480 It's like Louise Hayes, but for car dents.

01:46:06.160 But it was like, okay, you have a dent on the left side of your bumper.

01:46:09.760 It means this.

01:46:11.000 Oh, that's funny.

01:46:12.400 But after you read it, you're like Dr. Dink.

01:46:16.200 But then when you read it, it was like every word of this is like makes sense.

01:46:21.480 Well, I think that that's what like Jesus knew that we were so simple that he talked to us

01:46:24.940 like, you know, he'd be like, he couldn't just go, hey, everyone, treat everyone kindly

01:46:30.280 and like, you know, love each other and help each other.

01:46:32.700 That's the answer.

01:46:33.680 They would be like, they'd look at him like, what are you doing?

01:46:36.160 So he'd have to be like, all right, you're a shepherd, right?

01:46:39.240 Okay. 0.99

01:46:39.600 If you had a flock of, like, he'd almost have to like break it down into dumb person, whatever 0.99

01:46:44.760 their job was for them to understand. 0.98

01:46:47.280 But then he would do these things.

01:46:48.940 Dr. Dink did it like Jesus, you know?

01:46:50.560 But then he would do these things that defied logic and the physical world too.

01:46:56.200 Yeah.

01:46:56.500 That helped.

01:46:57.400 Yeah.

01:46:57.620 But I mean, how awesome is that?

01:46:59.660 That's pretty sweet.

01:47:00.600 Yeah.

01:47:00.800 And they'd sit there.

01:47:02.160 Oh, this is something we have no idea about, which is like now going in a rocket ship to

01:47:08.400 Mars.

01:47:09.000 Yeah.

01:47:09.420 Something just mind blowing.

01:47:10.760 That stuff happens every day now.

01:47:12.860 And we're like, oh yeah, they're going in a rocket ship to Mars.

01:47:17.020 Yeah.

01:47:17.500 It's crazy.

01:47:18.120 All the stuff that we're living in.

01:47:21.240 I think that like, uh, that's so, I don't stress about the Mars thing much because like

01:47:26.940 it's so far removed.

01:47:28.640 Let's say like in 10 years, Elon gets us to Mars.

01:47:31.580 Yeah.

01:47:31.800 I want to go.

01:47:32.360 There's nothing there.

01:47:33.580 Yeah.

01:47:34.140 So now.

01:47:35.540 You really think that?

01:47:36.260 What?

01:47:36.640 That there's nothing there?

01:47:37.280 That there's nothing on Mars?

01:47:37.880 I meant that there's nothing for me there.

01:47:39.860 Okay.

01:47:40.560 You know, there's, there's, I'm not going to be able to get out and eat.

01:47:43.520 Yeah.

01:47:43.640 I'm not going to be able to, uh, you know.

01:47:46.300 What if there's a big dome?

01:47:46.780 There's no hotel.

01:47:48.120 I bet there is. 1.00

01:47:49.260 They'd have to build all that shit. 1.00

01:47:51.020 I think they did. 1.00

01:47:51.580 I think they used all our money and it's a big ass dome with a KFC and strip club. 0.96

01:47:57.620 Oh, you think it's already colonized? 0.95

01:47:58.980 It's already ready?

01:47:59.700 Oh yeah.

01:48:00.040 I think so.

01:48:00.560 That'd be great.

01:48:01.120 So then I'm in.

01:48:01.780 Now I want to go.

01:48:03.140 I'm in some elite group going to Mars.

01:48:05.180 That's good.

01:48:05.600 But like, for me, it's like, like, uh, William Shatner, I did a show with him.

01:48:08.760 So people always like tweet at me anytime he does anything.

01:48:11.100 He went to like space, right?

01:48:13.080 When he's one of the first people.

01:48:14.760 Oh yeah, he did.

01:48:15.400 But like, why?

01:48:18.020 So what is the point?

01:48:19.640 Well, why do you want to go to space?

01:48:20.980 The only part about going to space is to brag to everyone that you went to space.

01:48:26.940 Yeah.

01:48:27.340 There's nothing for us up there going up in this thing.

01:48:30.920 It's basically like taking a flight to Florida and they never land.

01:48:34.540 And then they just turn back around and you go, what?

01:48:36.620 You just looked out the window or something like, like there's nothing up there.

01:48:40.000 People make fun of like Fort Wayne, Indiana, Fort Wayne, Indiana at least has restaurants

01:48:45.380 and people and Fort Wayne, Indiana is infinitely more interesting to me than the moon or Mars.

01:48:51.120 Yeah, you have a point there.

01:48:53.040 There's nothing there.

01:48:53.800 Well, it's cool to see the earth maybe, the perspective, the view.

01:48:57.260 You're still pretty close once you're in orbit.

01:48:59.140 But I mean, it's just, you know, rare, rarefied air.

01:49:02.000 I think people just go to brag about it.

01:49:03.520 Yeah, for sure.

01:49:04.100 And I'm beyond that.

01:49:04.940 Like, I'm like over trying to brag.

01:49:06.440 Like, I don't want to go to the Super Bowl to show Instagram that I went to the Super

01:49:10.780 Bowl.

01:49:11.020 I'd rather be at someone's house watching the Super Bowl with like 50 of my friends.

01:49:14.380 Well, you say that me and Jake went to the Super Bowl.

01:49:17.760 Yeah, we did.

01:49:18.080 And we combined, we prayed, we were praying to God.

01:49:23.680 We made it happen.

01:49:24.740 Our team won because of our prayers.

01:49:25.960 And we prayed to God that the Broncos would win the Super Bowl.

01:49:29.660 What year was that?

01:49:30.320 That was 97, John Elway, a helicopter.

01:49:32.000 I was going to say, because I went to the Super Bowl and my Seahawks beat the Broncos.

01:49:35.080 No, I don't want to talk about that one.

01:49:35.920 Well, we weren't there.

01:49:36.860 I was at that one, the New York one.

01:49:38.240 The one me and Jake was at, we was against the cheese heads, whatever they are.

01:49:42.300 They was all wearing cheese on their head.

01:49:44.220 Cheese heads. 1.00

01:49:44.920 And so we're like, we're not going to lose to these fucking cheese heads. 0.99

01:49:50.040 And so I go, come on, Jake, we're going to use our biblical strength. 0.99

01:49:54.460 And we did.

01:49:55.040 And we're going to pray.

01:49:55.640 And we were going like this.

01:49:56.960 And John Elway had the thing.

01:49:58.460 And so I'm going, I'm focusing and sending and manifesting. 0.99

01:50:04.460 And the fucker, he kicked the thing, right? 0.99

01:50:07.080 Well, it was the helicopter play. 1.00

01:50:08.300 But what's funny is we were in Packers territory.

01:50:10.620 And we were in the box.

01:50:11.940 You know, mom took me.

01:50:12.820 It was really sweet.

01:50:14.100 And we were sitting there like praying and meditating with all these Packers.

01:50:17.420 They ended up liking us.

01:50:18.660 But we were really kind of-

01:50:19.440 Why did you guys root for the Broncos?

01:50:21.380 We're from Denver.

01:50:22.200 We're from Denver.

01:50:22.680 Oh, okay.

01:50:23.040 I didn't know.

01:50:23.380 I've been a born Bronco fan.

01:50:24.480 Oh, yeah.

01:50:24.960 We was all about the Broncos.

01:50:25.980 I was there the first time the Broncos ever won the, what was it?

01:50:30.160 The Orange Crush in 77.

01:50:31.660 I was born in 78.

01:50:32.560 So, you know, we're a long time Bronco fans.

01:50:33.660 Yeah, real Bronco fans.

01:50:34.680 Real Bronco fans.

01:50:36.100 Oh, yeah.

01:50:36.580 Your geography confuses me.

01:50:38.360 Oh, why?

01:50:39.320 Well, because I know that you're from Utah.

01:50:40.920 Yeah.

01:50:41.060 Which is why I assumed you were Mormon earlier.

01:50:42.860 Yeah.

01:50:43.020 But then also, you know, Hollywood, your giant star.

01:50:46.660 Then I moved to Denver.

01:50:47.660 Then I hear Austin.

01:50:49.320 Well, that's now.

01:50:49.740 Well, Denver.

01:50:50.360 Then I went to Hollywood.

01:50:53.680 Then I moved to Hawaii because his younger brother had to go to a special school for-

01:51:00.820 For Hawaiians.

01:51:02.000 For-

01:51:02.740 Rich kids that are-

01:51:03.660 Rich kids that are ADHD.

01:51:08.660 And then I went to Texas.

01:51:11.280 Then Texas.

01:51:11.940 Yeah.

01:51:12.160 All over.

01:51:12.600 So, I'm all over the place.

01:51:13.880 Yeah, yeah.

01:51:14.120 Yeah.

01:51:14.540 But Broncos.

01:51:15.340 That's interesting.

01:51:16.240 We still love the Broncos.

01:51:16.780 You know, what's funny is that Russell Wilson for the Seahawks really hurt the Broncos

01:51:20.260 in that Super Bowl.

01:51:21.280 Then he goes to the Broncos.

01:51:23.080 Destroys our friend.

01:51:23.680 Destroys you guys from the inside.

01:51:25.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:51:25.380 He's the evil. 0.60

01:51:26.080 He's the angry.

01:51:26.180 It's almost like they were like, just keep working for the Seahawks, but you're going

01:51:29.340 to be a Bronco.

01:51:30.320 I think that's what happened.

01:51:31.340 For real.

01:51:31.960 But we got a good young guy now.

01:51:33.960 Yeah.

01:51:34.380 I'm excited.

01:51:34.660 Jake is so happy that they won.

01:51:36.760 Well, they're winning, but they-

01:51:38.440 I was there at the Charger game last week. 1.00

01:51:39.780 My little girl was only two, and she's standing in front of the TV and yelled, fuck! 1.00

01:51:44.420 Yeah. 1.00

01:51:45.400 Oh, your daughter?

01:51:46.460 Yeah, it's my job as a dad.

01:51:47.920 Well, that's how I was raised.

01:51:49.520 He said, I-

01:51:50.320 What did you say?

01:51:51.500 I said, fudge.

01:51:53.180 Yeah, I tried to cover it up, but then I sweared five seconds later.

01:51:56.520 That's part of-

01:51:57.240 I mean, my best childhood memories are watching dad scream about Bronco games.

01:52:00.940 His dad would put his fist through the wall all the time.

01:52:03.420 Oh, one of these guys.

01:52:04.180 He had holes in our wall from his dad.

01:52:05.520 He was the Charger game last week.

01:52:06.740 I used to always joke that girls will say, women in our lives will go, these boys, they're

01:52:13.600 so into their sports.

01:52:14.980 And I'm like, I have a terrible gambling problem.

01:52:18.600 This isn't sports.

01:52:20.540 You think I care about these boys from Kansas City?

01:52:23.500 I put a lot on this.

01:52:25.640 That's the worst.

01:52:26.060 Did you bet on the election?

01:52:27.500 No, but I should have.

01:52:28.880 I should have, too.

01:52:29.640 I know.

01:52:30.260 Because I wasn't as confident that Trump was going to win.

01:52:33.880 Really?

01:52:34.420 No, I wanted him to.

01:52:35.180 I wasn't either.

01:52:35.660 But I didn't believe he would.

01:52:37.440 I didn't either.

01:52:37.940 I knew he wouldn't.

01:52:39.180 I didn't believe he wouldn't either.

01:52:40.980 I was just not confident either way.

01:52:42.920 Well, I knew they were going to cheat, and I didn't think they were going to let him

01:52:44.800 be president.

01:52:45.440 That's what I thought.

01:52:45.740 I knew 100% who I wanted to win.

01:52:47.720 No, I knew he was going to win.

01:52:49.400 That's great.

01:52:49.940 You should have bet on it.

01:52:50.620 I knew their cheating wasn't going to work this time.

01:52:53.300 But anyway, I should have bet on it, Jake.

01:52:56.960 You should have.

01:52:57.560 Well, you did bet on it.

01:52:58.760 You bet that there would not be an election among them.

01:53:00.620 Oh, yeah.

01:53:01.200 I owe a guy $1,000 because I said they wouldn't have an election.

01:53:04.500 Tim Pool, I saw this weekend.

01:53:06.440 He still wants you on the show.

01:53:06.960 Oh, my God.

01:53:07.620 Tim Pool.

01:53:08.680 He wants you and Malice at the Vulcan or the mothership to do a live show.

01:53:12.220 Yeah, Tim Pool is a strange guy.

01:53:14.440 He is strange.

01:53:15.280 He's special.

01:53:15.620 You know why he's strange? 1.00

01:53:16.880 Because he's bald as a motherfucker under the hat. 1.00

01:53:19.520 Yeah. 1.00

01:53:20.180 Well, he's just like always got like such a strange temperament.

01:53:23.380 He's autistic, I think.

01:53:24.560 He'll like criticize something I say as a joke.

01:53:27.300 Oh, he does?

01:53:27.640 He goes after you?

01:53:28.020 Or like misconstrue the bit entirely.

01:53:30.820 Or then he like stole one of my jokes.

01:53:33.360 Really?

01:53:33.700 And like tweeted it.

01:53:34.380 I'm like, I can't tell if this guy likes me or if he's trolling me or what the hell.

01:53:37.240 I can't tell if he likes me either because I went all the way there to be on his show 1.00

01:53:41.580 because fucking Michael Malice, that Jew bastard, told me to go. 1.00

01:53:45.880 Yeah. 1.00

01:53:46.620 And he'd love it.

01:53:47.540 He said, oh, Tim will be so happy to see you and it'll be the biggest surprise.

01:53:51.980 I walk in and he goes like this.

01:53:53.840 Oh, hi.

01:53:54.480 Yeah, it was weird.

01:53:55.440 You're kidding.

01:53:55.860 No, I flew all the way there.

01:53:56.740 He goes, hi, Roseanne Barr, and then played poker with this girl.

01:53:59.340 You're kidding.

01:53:59.940 No.

01:54:00.360 It's word of God.

01:54:00.760 So I was like.

01:54:01.460 Then she did this show and she's, you know, she's conspiracy out there and everything 0.98

01:54:05.300 said he'd correct her right away.

01:54:06.620 He's like, well, that did not happen.

01:54:07.620 That's not true.

01:54:08.420 But why do you have Roseanne Barr in your podcast?

01:54:09.920 But he was correcting me with bad information because I was saying, you know, well, we won't

01:54:14.880 even go into it.

01:54:15.740 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:54:15.980 But whatever. 1.00

01:54:16.620 He sold his shit to Daily Wire, right? 1.00

01:54:19.460 Right. 1.00

01:54:19.800 I hope he got rich.

01:54:21.140 When did that happen?

01:54:22.220 Recently.

01:54:22.760 Or he's, yeah, he's doing it now.

01:54:24.400 Oh, yeah.

01:54:24.940 I didn't know that.

01:54:25.700 What were we talking about?

01:54:26.340 The betting and the election thing.

01:54:27.720 So I go to the cigar lounge.

01:54:29.800 I love cigar lounges and there's one by my home.

01:54:32.540 And whenever I go there, it's just a bunch of guys and they're all like, you know, we

01:54:36.620 all act like we know a lot about sports when probably most of us don't know what we're

01:54:40.100 talking about.

01:54:40.880 But there'll be a guy arguing or like celebrating a touchdown.

01:54:43.660 And this guy over here is going, boo, you know, and then this guy gets a touchdown and

01:54:46.980 we go, boo.

01:54:47.880 But that's how the cigar lounge.

01:54:49.640 The night of the election was the only time I saw 100% of the cigar lounge rooting for

01:54:55.400 the same thing.

01:54:56.140 Yeah.

01:54:56.560 And I'm in Sherman Oaks, but we're all just rooting for Trump.

01:54:59.220 There wasn't like a single person watching a TV that wanted a different outcome.

01:55:03.180 And that's the first time that's ever happened at that cigar lounge.

01:55:05.440 It was hilarious.

01:55:06.840 It's very tough.

01:55:07.280 In the valley?

01:55:07.840 Yeah.

01:55:08.340 With safe space, you know.

01:55:09.720 That's cool in the valley.

01:55:11.220 It's not common.

01:55:11.940 They're pretty libtard out there. 1.00

01:55:13.320 Yeah, they are.

01:55:14.020 But not at the cigar house.

01:55:15.660 Good.

01:55:17.080 Well, what would you like to, I'm giving you the floor for the wrap up smear as Nancy 0.59

01:55:22.700 Pelosi calls it.

01:55:23.440 Oh, yeah.

01:55:23.900 Yeah.

01:55:25.060 I'm just happy to be here.

01:55:26.600 Thanks for having me.

01:55:27.680 I'm happy you were here too.

01:55:29.100 Yeah.

01:55:29.220 And we want you to come back too.

01:55:30.440 Yeah.

01:55:30.720 Let's keep in touch for sure.

01:55:32.100 I'm very close.

01:55:33.240 Are you working anywhere?

01:55:33.700 I am, I got a bunch of dates that I, uh, here I mean, uh, not around here, but if you

01:55:38.460 go to jeffdow.com, I'm touring all over, uh, I'm doing the Laugh Factory soon.

01:55:42.240 I like all local spots.

01:55:43.300 Whenever I'm home here, I just do like the Laugh Factory, the improv.

01:55:46.320 Um, I'm trying to think I'm doing Yamashiro.

01:55:49.060 Oh, that's where my little son goes.

01:55:52.260 Oh, really?

01:55:52.840 He's doing standup.

01:55:53.940 Oh, it's great.

01:55:54.700 Yeah.

01:55:54.880 It's a good, it's a good spot.

01:55:56.140 I really like it.

01:55:56.880 Um, so, but, but jeffdow.com has all my dates.

01:55:59.540 And then on YouTube, I have a special called the last cowboy in LA.

01:56:02.740 I like that title.

01:56:03.920 Yeah, it's good.

01:56:04.660 I love it.

01:56:05.200 I'll have to watch it.

01:56:06.140 I've been watching all your clips.

01:56:07.620 I would love if you watched it.

01:56:08.420 Because I loved meeting you on, uh, Greg Gutfeld's show.

01:56:11.300 It was, you, it was so, yeah, that was, I was actually really excited about it because

01:56:14.320 it was like, they always send me the list of the people.

01:56:16.140 It's the same people.

01:56:17.080 Like, all right, this cat, this wrestler, you know, it's like, it's, and that's fine,

01:56:21.560 but I, I've, I've met them.

01:56:23.260 So whenever I see a name that's like somebody else, I'm like, I wonder who that extra, who the,

01:56:27.700 and I was like, Roseanne.

01:56:29.180 I texted Greg.

01:56:30.140 I was like, so excited.

01:56:30.900 He goes, you'll love her.

01:56:31.560 She's the best.

01:56:32.540 So I was very excited.

01:56:34.820 Well, I'm excited to, uh, get to know you a little bit better and hear about your process

01:56:40.600 and all that fun stuff.

01:56:42.360 Absolutely.

01:56:42.940 Do you like Westerns?

01:56:43.980 Are you like any of the, okay.

01:56:45.380 So my next tour is going to be called the Vendetta Ride, which is based off of Tombstone.

01:56:49.500 Love it.

01:56:49.920 Oh, I love that.

01:56:50.940 Yeah.

01:56:51.200 So, uh, when Wyatt Earp just decided like enough's enough and he went and tried to shoot

01:56:55.400 all those cowboys.

01:56:56.540 Oh, I love it.

01:56:57.560 Yeah.

01:56:57.940 That's my next tour.

01:56:58.880 You tell him I'm coming.

01:56:59.820 The Vendetta Ride.

01:57:00.700 Hell's coming.

01:57:01.160 And where are you from? 0.74

01:57:02.140 You're not from the West. 0.93

01:57:03.200 I'm from a town of 45 minutes South of Seattle, Kent, Washington.

01:57:08.140 You know, Kent, you heard of it?

01:57:09.620 No, but, uh, Seattle's pretty libtard. 0.99

01:57:13.880 Yeah.

01:57:14.100 But Seattle used to be good liberal.

01:57:15.340 Like it used to be like artists and happy and like these free thinkers who just wanted

01:57:20.900 to like do pot and like mushrooms and create art and love each other.

01:57:25.140 When I used to go up there.

01:57:25.740 Those same hippies got pissed off. 0.98

01:57:27.340 Now they're all grumpy. 1.00

01:57:28.080 I used to go up there and Kurt Cobain and all that shit was happening. 0.99

01:57:31.280 Yeah. 0.96

01:57:31.300 The grunge.

01:57:31.760 And now it's like, yeah, cause he, he credited me with the flannel shirt, you know?

01:57:36.620 Really?

01:57:37.020 Yeah, cause I used to wear that on the Roseanne show and, and he said that, you know, whatever.

01:57:42.340 I love that.

01:57:43.020 But now, uh, you know, now it's just a bunch of elitist hacks that pretend to be leftists.

01:57:49.200 Exactly.

01:57:49.560 They pretend to be intellectuals too.

01:57:51.020 They think they're smarter than us just cause they have an old hat and they, and they've got

01:57:54.780 cat hair all over their shirt.

01:57:56.140 It's like, you're not smarter than us.

01:57:57.880 Like just cause you're smug.

01:57:59.980 Right?

01:58:00.400 Very strange.

01:58:00.840 It is the arrogant thing.

01:58:02.340 Yeah.

01:58:02.740 I don't like it.

01:58:03.340 I like it when they were nice.

01:58:04.700 Me too.

01:58:05.160 I miss it.

01:58:05.580 Well, thanks for having me.

01:58:09.060 You're the best.

01:58:10.340 You're the best.

01:58:11.520 Time for me to go back to bed.

01:58:13.320 I, I got up just for you.

01:58:15.660 I love it.

01:58:16.140 Yeah.

01:58:16.300 Well, you're all with my Trump.

01:58:17.520 Take the gold off.

01:58:18.620 Thank you.

01:58:19.240 Jamie from Boston.

01:58:20.520 I know I owe you money.

01:58:22.080 I'm been mowing it.

01:58:23.700 Wait, that's the person you owe money.

01:58:24.960 The guy that sent you shoes.

01:58:25.940 Yeah.

01:58:26.360 Unbelievable.

01:58:26.760 I love my Trump shoes and my barrel hat and, uh, you know, whatever.

01:58:33.420 So you see, my patience is running thin with this synthetic world we're living in.

01:58:46.760 Can I just say something?

01:58:47.840 I think you're one of the best stand-ups out there.

01:58:50.340 Thank you very much.

01:58:50.820 I mean that sincerely.

01:58:51.920 I was very excited about this.

01:58:53.080 Oh, thanks, Jake.

01:58:53.900 That's really nice.

01:58:54.600 Highly underrated.

01:58:55.500 I mean, and you're successful.

01:58:56.620 Everyone knows you.

01:58:57.180 You're great.

01:58:57.400 Yeah.

01:58:57.580 But I think you're underrated still.

01:58:58.480 Well, that means a lot.

01:58:59.140 Thank you very much.

01:58:59.920 We're happy to have you.

01:59:00.920 Thank you.

01:59:01.320 Thank you.

01:59:01.520 Yeah.

01:59:01.760 Oh, wait.

01:59:02.080 So what's your youngest son's name that does comedy?

01:59:04.400 Buck.

01:59:05.360 Buck.

01:59:05.680 Buck Barr?

01:59:06.220 Buck Thomas.

01:59:07.120 Buck Thomas.

01:59:08.040 Okay.

01:59:08.460 Cool.

01:59:08.580 But he's just starting.

01:59:09.280 He's only gone a couple times, right?

01:59:10.380 Keep an eye out for him.

01:59:11.380 Yeah.

01:59:12.180 He bombed last time.

01:59:13.980 He's like me, so you don't want to do it again. 1.00

01:59:16.140 I go, bitch, you got to get back out there. 1.00

01:59:18.040 You got to bomb constantly. 1.00

01:59:19.540 I bombed for like ever.

01:59:21.120 That's how that works.

01:59:22.140 That's how you get better.

01:59:22.960 It's also like, I think that anybody who just kills would never be a good comic.

01:59:27.920 No, never.

01:59:28.640 Yeah.

01:59:28.920 You got to get your licks in.

01:59:30.340 Me and Norm always talked about, I remember one time I got booed off stage in Springfield,

01:59:36.480 Illinois.

01:59:37.980 I always say Illinois.

01:59:39.140 And I was so pissed because Norm did the same thing.

01:59:44.340 I went and stood by the door when they was all walking out, you know, and I looked every 0.99

01:59:48.680 bitch right in her eye because there was no women. 1.00

01:59:51.820 You didn't want to hide. 1.00

01:59:52.700 You just wanted to.

01:59:53.640 I was, you know, not going to let him get me.

01:59:56.480 And I looked at him. 1.00

01:59:57.720 I go, thanks, bitch. 1.00

01:59:59.920 No surrender. 1.00

02:00:01.580 Because you have to be that way.

02:00:03.580 And Norm, he, he got booed off too and said that he shook everybody's hand at the door

02:00:09.360 after booing them off. 0.98

02:00:10.700 But that's the kind of, whatever it is, balls. 1.00

02:00:16.800 Mental illness. 1.00

02:00:17.440 I hate to say balls. 1.00

02:00:18.420 Yeah, mental illness. 1.00

02:00:19.440 Yeah, yeah, exactly. 0.95

02:00:20.440 The mental illness that you have to have to.

02:00:23.000 I love it. 0.71

02:00:23.480 We got it.

02:00:24.460 We are so damn brave.

02:00:26.360 I love it up there.

02:00:28.340 I think it's, I can't believe we get away with it, if I'm honest.

02:00:31.260 I'd love to see you work live.

02:00:33.000 Yeah.

02:00:33.540 Let's figure it out.

02:00:34.560 Oh, you see, my patience is growing thin.

02:00:45.040 With this synthetic world, we're limited.

The Roseanne Barr Podcast - December 27, 2024

Jeff Dye ｜ The Roseanne Barr Podcast #080

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