The Roseanne Barr Podcast - Ron White ｜ The Roseanne Barr Podcast #006

00:00:00.000 get ready for las vegas style action at bet mgm the king of online casinos enjoy casino games at

00:00:06.900 your fingertips with the same vegas trip excitement mgm is famous for when you play classics like mgm

00:00:13.180 grand millions or popular games like blackjack baccarat and roulette with our ever-growing

00:00:18.300 library of digital slot games a large selection of online table games and signature bet mgm service

00:00:24.380 there is no better way to bring the excitement and ambience of las vegas home to you than with

00:00:29.760 bet mgm casino download the bet mgm casino app today bet mgm and game sense remind you to play

00:00:36.260 responsibly bet mgm.com for t's and c's 19 plus to wager ontario only please play responsibly if you

00:00:44.180 have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you please contact conax ontario

00:00:49.280 at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge bet mgm operates pursuant to an operating

00:00:57.820 agreement with eye gaming ontario hi everybody it's roseanne and i'm very excited on my podcast

00:01:04.360 today on the roseanne bar podcast as you've noted um because i have a great guest uh he's a fantastic

00:01:12.780 comedian a very nice man and i can't wait to uh talk to him here today mr ron white

00:01:20.320 yay thank you thank you very much for having me roseanne thanks for coming over

00:01:27.980 is it okay if i smoke this in here oh yeah let's let's get that going fire that up

00:01:33.320 it's always fun to oh i will i don't mind if i do

00:01:38.740 you have some i smoked your pot when i went on joe rogan's stage and i i couldn't remember any of

00:01:52.760 my punch lines i didn't know how to be funny this is really mild outdoor weed that uh just kind of

00:02:02.120 trippy you'll like this stuff it's really light i smoked that william the redheaded guy's pot

00:02:08.240 yeah and i said god this is like viet kong pot it made me want to dig a big old tunnel and shoot

00:02:16.380 down helicopters with a pea shooter you don't go on stage that way right do you smoke pot before you

00:02:23.400 go on stage yeah you know it you know how we work it up at the mothership it's uh it's uh every man

00:02:30.160 for himself and uh uh but yeah we you know i i like to kind of do the first one a little more uh

00:02:37.940 sober but that second show when we got that gap in there i get pretty wasted for that one so yeah

00:02:43.600 the whole comedy green room is set up for that kind of thing yeah that's what it's set up for

00:02:48.240 ain't it fun it's like the comedy store used to be they told me that uh i mean there's other guys

00:02:53.220 that have rooms they're asking me to come play them in austin and i'm like well if you build a room

00:02:58.320 between the fat man and the little boy then i might stop by but right now i could do four sets

00:03:05.660 a night yeah and never leave the couch hardly except for to get up and walk over and do the set

00:03:10.760 that's just the most amazing thing if i was a young comic there i would say there'd be no place to live

00:03:15.660 other than austin texas that's how i felt when i went down there you were there that night when i went

00:03:21.040 on stage and that was like my first time on stage for a long time i was there with my son jake say hi

00:03:27.520 jake hello everybody and my daughter uh jenny who's very funny and a writer and uh she's a libtard and uh

00:03:36.820 my three daughters are libtards i don't know where i went wrong but anyways so uh weren't you a libtard

00:03:43.380 oh yeah i was a terrible i was all the way like double retard yeah libtard sorry but uh i'm a center

00:03:51.140 left republican yeah that's what i am now i hear you yeah so uh i you know there's there's some few

00:04:01.480 things that i vote for i mean in a in a presidential candidate but i need to have a regular fucking

00:04:07.980 person in there you know that i can depend on but i'm not seeing the guy you know or the girl i'm

00:04:13.740 just not seeing the i'm not seeing the answer right now so you're not a trumper no good god almighty

00:04:20.280 really no can't stand him you can't stand trump no oh my god that's freaky is it over is our podcast

00:04:28.840 over no it's not but you know we don't i just love him i just do i i totally relate to him and he was so

00:04:36.240 nice to me he's like one of the only people that was ever nice to me in hollywood he's like a real

00:04:42.000 guy yeah yeah you know and he's like us he shoots from the hip but he's got good ideas and he won't

00:04:49.560 let nobody say you can't that can't be done that's why i like him you know i could go into why i don't

00:04:57.760 like him do it the list is just extremely long you know i never take a stand one way or the other

00:05:03.460 because i don't want people to to decide how they think because of something i said especially

00:05:08.840 about politics so yeah you know um but i'm a but i'm a republican i just but i'm i'm a never

00:05:15.920 never trump republican oh my god well they teach their own yeah right well don't you remember back

00:05:23.180 when nobody gave a shit who you voted for i mean just nobody cared you know you just voted for

00:05:28.520 somebody now it's really divisive right and we were talking about that earlier inside of families

00:05:33.980 are kind of torn apart by uh by these political differences well you know it's all bullshit though

00:05:39.660 it's like a unified field of bullshit not one thing's true anywhere you look that's what i think

00:05:46.200 i know that's what you think you don't think that

00:05:49.900 the news is a commodity and it's valuable and uh there are people out there that sole purpose is to

00:06:01.700 seek out the news uh now it needs to be you know whether it's true or not and but but if you if you

00:06:10.740 can convince somebody that all the news is bad it's all fake and the fact checkers are also fake

00:06:16.720 then uh then where do you go for for information so i think that if

00:06:22.380 i just think that uh that if you go to not a new spin doctor like you don't watch cnn or fox or any of

00:06:31.540 that stuff but you read the news from bloomberg and reuters or whatever however you pronounce that

00:06:37.600 and and uh uh they have people they pay to gather the news and it's worth money so they're really good

00:06:44.160 at it so i a lot of times i'll hear these wild conspiracies a lot of times from you but

00:06:49.660 i have another friend from uh that was i did stand up with for years and she's just full-blown

00:06:55.300 human on and believes every word of it and and i'm like why what what on earth and i try to talk her

00:07:03.240 out of it and she's just uh you know she is so stuck in that place because of things she read on the

00:07:12.400 internet right they can't be validated uh and except for other things that were on the internet

00:07:18.960 they're getting i believe that you're getting fed this stuff because it's what you like to eat and

00:07:24.460 there's money in feeding people that are hungry you know and that's so i you know and i i have 15 news

00:07:30.880 sources and i read them all well that's what i do too i read a variety of news sources like i'll read

00:07:36.420 far left and right you know i don't just read you know internet stuff but i do like huge variety

00:07:43.820 and uh i do like government documents and you know uh declassified that's my favorite thing

00:07:51.040 anything to do with uh profiling too uh fbi profiling of psychotics and shit like that right

00:07:59.000 it's my favorite murder solving murders you spend way more time on it than i do so maybe you're right

00:08:05.080 no but i mean i know that the government's corrupt i mean you've got to give it you've got to know

00:08:11.200 that right i know that uh i know that the government is corrupt i know that okay i do know we agree on

00:08:19.100 so we don't need to go no further than that no that's fine okay and they're all like just like

00:08:25.640 getting paid and it don't have nothing to do with the american people i believe that and it's scary

00:08:32.760 because i don't know what in the fuck they're doing they don't listen to anything and are you

00:08:38.460 scared that they're letting terrorists over the border to come and kill us uh no oh i'm not i'm not

00:08:45.960 worried about it at all really that's good to hear no because they're going to walk around texas you

00:08:50.660 know you can't come into texas and start shooting people we'll shoot you back that's our policy

00:08:56.620 uh we will just everybody in texas that's why they're rarely a club shooting or a bank robbery

00:09:04.980 with guns because everybody has guns here you know and and so there is a i would love to see some gun

00:09:12.100 control but uh but my position with gun control is let's just make the club a little harder to join

00:09:19.300 you know i'm not going to give up my guns and i'm not asking anybody else to because they've already

00:09:23.560 proven that they're responsible gun owners right because they've owned a gun for years an ar whatever

00:09:28.080 haven't killed anybody with it so right and uh i'm from the panhandle of texas and nobody up there

00:09:34.420 hunts with an ar-15 they've all got them right they don't hunt with them it's just for protection

00:09:39.220 and so and i genuinely believe in every case it is but i would just like to make that so we're in a

00:09:46.560 club we all have right we all have these guns and uh but i think we make that club hard to join

00:09:51.240 so you can't just waltz in and uh and waltz out well you know they steal guns all over the place

00:09:58.580 and you can buy them at those anybody can get them no no no yeah that's why they're the the the very

00:10:05.180 thought of somebody saying yeah we got to get rid of guns well that's ridiculous yeah there you can't

00:10:09.880 get rid of something that's already here you know right and it's and it's embedded in our society

00:10:14.600 it's a right we have as citizens uh to carry these guns so i i love guns uh yeah maybe you

00:10:22.360 got flagged because you did get arrested for pot i love that story it had like a tiny minuscule amount

00:10:29.060 i had seven eighths of a gram of uh marijuana they pulled me off uh my plane i used to have a plane

00:10:36.320 wow and uh and uh and it was just me on the plane i was looking out the window we landed in fort pierce

00:10:42.860 florida and i'm looking out the window and there's man there's like a swat team out there with dogs and

00:10:48.360 vests and you know and i'm like wow what's going on i wonder as i'm looking out the window and

00:10:54.020 and uh these pilots that i've fired for being dickheads uh there's a number you can call

00:11:01.500 that uh that's an anonymous number that you can say hey that plane is a drug plane

00:11:08.160 and uh then if you know the tail number of plane you have a software called flatterware you can

00:11:12.700 follow any plane in the world anywhere it goes and so right before i would land somewhere they would

00:11:17.300 call the dea or whatever and tell them it was a drug plane and the cops would come out and talk with

00:11:22.180 me that's pretty funny and uh they they pulled me off the plane and they told me what happened and i

00:11:28.720 told them what happened and uh and the guys that the cops that were there they were fans and they

00:11:33.500 were like sorry about this they knew i was there to do a show they knew i wasn't a drug smuggler

00:11:38.080 and uh they said can we put our dogs on the plane and i'm like i put them on there and of course the

00:11:43.320 dogs were because i smoked pot on the plane and uh then they come off and then uh the guy goes uh

00:11:52.720 the dog needs to sniff that bag on your shoulder and i was like row row and uh so whenever he they

00:12:00.040 i said yeah here this is all it's only a little bitty tiny bit and they guess oh they're not gonna

00:12:05.680 do anything about that and then the guy the sheriff that they called uh yeah they said bring him in

00:12:11.740 he's a flight risk because he has a plane and i'm like this is ridiculous and they took me to city

00:12:17.580 jail and i sat in there and uh it was kind of funny i back then i used to get five grand a night

00:12:25.000 in cash because i don't understand money and i like to see it yeah and especially back then so i'd

00:12:30.920 done seven or eight shows so i had like 35 000 bucks in that bag and so i get to jail and the guy goes i

00:12:39.100 need to count that money he goes one mississippi oh my god two mississippi i said no you can't

00:12:46.640 count it like that just count it off stacks of uh just stacks of a hundred just count off a hundred

00:12:51.800 at a time there there there's five thousand i said i'm teaching him how to count and uh come on man and

00:12:58.060 uh so then they moved me over right you've got a show to do yeah i got a show to do at the theater and

00:13:04.040 uh they moved me over to county jail and they were just they're just making announcements at the

00:13:09.240 theater okay he's out of city but they're putting him in county jail but he's gonna come to the show

00:13:13.760 the crowds were like yeah so i when i got out there was a truckload of kids this is how fast news moves

00:13:21.680 and they had made these signs that said free tater and they were in the back of this truck and i wish i

00:13:29.060 would have i was i was freaked out because i was too going to be two hours late for the show which i've

00:13:33.620 never a minute late for anything and uh so uh i got there in the crowd one person left uh wow that

00:13:44.440 had a babysitter issue and they said and they apologized for leaving so the whole crowd was

00:13:49.120 still there and next time i went there and it just bumped because it was such a ridiculous arrest

00:13:54.580 i mean they they drove by three meth labs and a dead hooker just to get to where i was right you know

00:14:00.800 and uh it was it was just a you think it just bumped all sales ticket sales book sales uh you know

00:14:11.560 and the next time i came back in there i did five shows because it was just ridiculous a ridiculous use

00:14:17.520 of manpower or whatever sometimes that shit when they're trying to get you it backfires and helps

00:14:23.420 you out huh sometimes sometimes sometimes it don't i was still pissed the guy the the cop in the

00:14:31.200 newspaper the sheriff said uh he he may not have had uh many drugs with him but how do we know how

00:14:38.760 much he did have well how do we know i didn't kill somebody why don't we just put me in jail for murder

00:14:44.560 so he just oh yeah and i just wanted to i wanted to beat that guy out of his job so bad i would i made it

00:14:52.380 open i would support any candidate that wanted to run against him for the election of sheriff and i

00:14:57.320 was gonna make that my i was so mad i was just spending way too much time and energy just

00:15:01.960 but that's really bad that's a that's a violation of your civil rights because he's trying to poison

00:15:08.360 the jury pool you know he really was and then we ended up making a deal with him so you know just so

00:15:14.820 i could get out i mean just eventually if i didn't get arrested in six months it would be off the record

00:15:19.320 and and i didn't need a marijuana arrest because i travel a lot you know so i want my you know quick

00:15:25.420 through the airport stuff and you know global entry and all that stuff you can lose that with a

00:15:31.780 misdemeanor you know uh conviction one time i was uh in italy and i had some illegal drugs and we was

00:15:40.460 going to fly to uh uh another country and uh oh god oh no that was a long story i don't even want to

00:15:49.600 tell it but anyway i was running away from my ex-husband you know and he shows up fucking in

00:15:55.780 italy that fucking guy with a uh newspaper crew didn't he that he hired yeah photographer the inquirer

00:16:02.040 can you tell that story no he won't want it it's a war it is it's not okay so i was over there in

00:16:09.540 sardinia this is a island off of italy beautiful place and i was run away from my husband and uh

00:16:18.540 you know i'm like fuck i'm leaving that motherfucker and i was like okay i gotta count

00:16:24.420 it down because i still had season what what part of your life is this uh that's my tom arnold

00:16:30.140 marriage oh at the end of that you know and i'm like i gotta get the fuck out of here

00:16:35.200 i'm gonna i'm gonna go to prison if i don't get out of here you know because i'm gonna have to kill

00:16:40.940 that guy because he got on my nerve my last nerve my last fucking uh frazzled fucking nerve you know

00:16:51.820 what i mean so i'm like i'm getting out of here before i go to prison so anyways i go over to italy

00:16:58.220 and uh and is it just you no i took my bodyguard that tom hired and then we had a baby

00:17:05.860 what made you think i didn't want to hear this story talk about how just tell just tell it real

00:17:12.960 quick that tom came with the press because oh yeah so i was hiding out from tom and uh

00:17:19.280 because he was so gross trying to get me back which he always tried to do and i always went back too

00:17:25.980 because i was stupid he flies over there i'm living in a fucking cave inside a mountain a house that

00:17:34.440 was built into a mountain and i hired the uh police force of sardinia there to sit on my roof with guns

00:17:42.180 i was a little paranoid right oh they had me on so many meds by then i didn't know what reality was

00:17:50.980 so anyways here he comes with the inquirer photographers they call me in my house they go

00:17:59.900 your your husband is here uh he just landed at the airport and we thought you'd want to know

00:18:05.400 i'm like oh fuck so anyways he calls me up an hour later i'm coming down on a white horse holding

00:18:15.600 three dozen red roses i'm coming into the yard and i'm going to you're going to get on the horse with

00:18:24.900 me and they're going to take pictures you're fucking crazy you tell me i'm crazy and but you're fucking

00:18:36.700 crazy i go you better not or they'll shoot your ass and they'll shoot the fucking horse too and your

00:18:43.240 brother and the photographer don't even fucking do it so he doesn't instead he gets a boat he gets a

00:18:50.900 fucking motorboat and he he comes by the house back and forth back and forth in the motorboat

00:18:58.340 it was we had the craziest relationship well it was insane the thing about tom that always bothered

00:19:04.740 me is everything was always like a photo op and when when they very first started dating he actually

00:19:09.620 sold stories to the inquirer about them dating so he had a long history but that's why i find this

00:19:14.160 funny and he called me crazy but i was crazy because i got with another crazy person who kept

00:19:20.880 on gaslighting me and saying you're crazy right until i realized oh you married your like kind of

00:19:28.220 psychic crazy twin it's like you're both fucking nuts and you should have nothing whatsoever to do

00:19:35.560 with each other because we were both comics he loved you didn't he he loved the fuck out of me and i

00:19:40.880 loved the fuck out of him and of course i was a i was a jew and i was like i can get this guy to give

00:19:46.900 me jokes and i'm never gonna pay him you know all right because he likes me and he'll just do it

00:19:53.680 because he'll want to hang out with me so i can use him

00:19:57.560 and he would cry to me he'd go like you've got to pay me and i'd be like okay i will i'll pay you

00:20:08.580 you know and then i never would pay him it was horrible did you ever pay him are you shitting me

00:20:14.960 you walked off with half everything i had oh did he really of course oh because i always do the

00:20:20.980 wrong thing you know what i mean you know what i mean yeah i why now why would i know about that

00:20:28.520 get ready for las vegas style action at bet mgm the king of online casinos enjoy casino games at

00:20:35.980 your fingertips with the same vegas trip excitement mgm is famous for when you play classics like mgm grand

00:20:42.580 millions or popular games like blackjack baccarat and roulette with our ever-growing library of

00:20:48.120 digital slot games a large selection of online table games and signature bet mgm service there is

00:20:54.200 no better way to bring the excitement and ambiance of las vegas home to you than with bet mgm casino

00:21:00.140 download the bet mgm casino app today bet mgm and game sense remind you to play responsibly

00:21:06.060 bet mgm.com for t's and c's 19 plus to wager ontario only please play responsibly if you have

00:21:13.400 questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you please contact conx ontario at 1-866-531-2600

00:21:22.120 to speak to an advisor free of charge bet mgm operates pursuant to an operating agreement with

00:21:27.760 eye gaming ontario light up black friday with freedom mobile and get 50 gigs to use in canada

00:21:34.340 the u.s and mexico for just 35 bucks a month for 18 months plus get a one-time gift of five gigs of

00:21:40.980 rome beyond data conditions apply details at freedom mobile.ca you know you told that story when you

00:21:46.980 hated that critic and you oh you know yeah no what happened was this guy named duncan strauss i think

00:21:55.360 was booking the uh laugh stop or either that way or he or he may have been the critic i can't

00:22:01.360 remember now it's been a while but uh it's been 35 years and uh but he came out and saw me do 15

00:22:08.820 minutes at the laugh stop here in austin and uh i've been doing stand-up for three years and the 15 was

00:22:14.580 great you know i just murdered the place and so he books me to headline the newport laugh stop and the

00:22:21.080 the guys that were there the two weeks before me were slayton and seinfeld and then ron white's

00:22:25.560 three-year-old uh act and i was really nervous and uh i hadn't performed within 1500 miles of there and

00:22:32.800 i knew that slayton was just murdering clubs and seinfeld was murdering clubs and i'm like i don't

00:22:40.500 think i'm ready for this and uh i went on stage right before i went on stage a waitress came up to me

00:22:47.040 she goes yeah that she goes that's duncan strauss he's the he's here to interview to review the show

00:22:53.000 for the uh la times and i'm like that doesn't make me feel better at all and so i had some

00:23:01.340 couple of shots and i went on stage and i thought all the jokes landed you know and i'm like i walked

00:23:08.200 away from the show sat feeling pretty good and uh but he was already gone when i got off stage because

00:23:14.380 i figured he'd want to sit down and talk to me and you know speculate on my success it was about

00:23:19.440 to come and uh it was pretty good and and then uh the next night the they had like an open mic night

00:23:28.780 there was a guy named mike epps from texas he was there and i just slayed the room that was the best

00:23:34.820 set i'd ever had that night and uh and afterwards i've got them all gathered around me i'm giving them

00:23:40.200 advice you know and just trying to i just i was thinking about calling and getting a divorce you

00:23:46.500 know hooking up with somebody new you know hotter and uh because this is definitely going to go places

00:23:53.760 and then get really drunk that night with those guys and i'm staying in the in the nicest hotel room

00:24:01.180 you know at that point i'd ever stayed in it's called the marriott suites on the bay and uh and

00:24:06.940 it had a bathroom with a phone and you know just things i hadn't really seen before big views of the

00:24:13.960 bay and uh i woke up the next morning i was really excited about seeing that review because that was

00:24:19.500 going to be the start you know to the whole thing and uh and i so i walked down to the to the uh club

00:24:27.680 and the uh and i walked in there and i'd i'd hung out there i'd gone a couple times so they knew who i

00:24:35.280 was i mean they we knew him a little bit and i walk in they go don't read it ron and i'm like what

00:24:40.540 he goes don't read it it's not true the guy's a he's a hatchet man i'm like what are you talking

00:24:45.620 about oh uh the the review don't read it it's it's just there's no he just just what he does

00:24:53.500 it's horrible and i'm like let me see it oh yeah so there's a big picture of me making a face i swear

00:25:02.480 i've never made you know just some stupid look that i was mugging for a laugh i don't know what it

00:25:08.860 was and uh but there it was and and that was that big in the orange county edition of the la times and

00:25:15.600 and in a big black print it said even when white's not blue he's not funny that's a headline

00:25:22.980 yeah oh that's that yeah in big big black length that's exactly what it said i read it a thousand

00:25:28.740 times it said it was like like watching a polar bear lumber around on stage something eventful or

00:25:35.260 comical happening only occasionally and uh and literally i dropped the i dropped it twice

00:25:42.820 out of my hands uh because it was making me sick and i truly believed that i had been found out as a

00:25:52.700 phony and i had bought that story myself and uh and and so it was it was that devastating so

00:26:01.600 i went across the street and uh and i bought a bottle of tequila and a pack of razor blades

00:26:11.640 and i went back up to my hotel room and i mailed the razor blades to him with a note that said just

00:26:17.940 in case you're ever in the mood and uh which and then i sat there and read it over and over and

00:26:27.720 just drank that bottle of tequila i had a big fucking bag of weed all day long and i figure

00:26:33.700 the shows are canceled uh you know there's no way that they'll do the shows there'll be nobody there

00:26:40.300 and uh and then i'm thinking well they gotta pay me for monday or two tuesday and wednesday or whatever

00:26:47.660 it was the days that i'd work because it's friday now and uh and so i passed out and i woke up about

00:26:56.280 seven or something and i thought well i'll go down there and ask them about the 180 dollars they owe

00:27:02.480 me or whatever it was and of course the fucking place is packed nobody gave a shit about the review

00:27:07.500 nobody read the fucking review already wrapped around the bass in somebody's fucking freezer and

00:27:11.960 and uh and it was it was you know late 80s the clubs were packed and uh so but i was in no shape

00:27:21.540 to do a show i was so hung over drunk shitty and all i could do is get drunker and shittier there

00:27:30.720 was no way to pull out of it you know through the other side so i went up and just proved everything

00:27:37.440 the guy said to be done god's honest truth horrible set oh no the guy that booked me called the club

00:27:43.420 to and just to see how i was doing because he read it and they're like oh he's not okay at all and uh

00:27:50.980 and then that you know the next night wasn't as bad because i didn't have i mean i just wasn't so

00:27:57.680 trashed and and uh and the second show the second night was like that one that was really good and

00:28:05.060 then sunday was really strong and uh but i uh and then i of course i called my wife and told her how

00:28:12.980 much i loved her and i needed her support to help me through these times after i was ready to dump her

00:28:18.460 two days ago now i'm for you know you mean everything to me you're my world you're my world

00:28:26.320 and uh i don't want to be alone right now and so and i and it was it was the absolute best thing that

00:28:37.240 could have happened because he was right he was 100 right i had no business there and i knew it

00:28:43.660 and uh so i just got a big smack in the face from this guy and i realized right away you need to go

00:28:51.720 back to the midwest where you came from and you need to sharpen the blade for as long as it takes

00:28:59.600 uh because you are good at this you're just not there yet and uh so you know that's what i did i

00:29:07.440 went back to the you know the funny bone chain and the punchline chain and did clubs for years and years

00:29:14.100 and and got real good at it and uh so when foxworthy came along and uh you know he and i hit it off from

00:29:23.500 the beginning and and when he got big enough to take somebody with him he took me with him which was

00:29:28.580 an amazingly gracious thing for him to do and and uh he's a very nice person now that is a nice guy

00:29:35.840 i mean just polite just a great friend and so he did that for me and uh so the blue collar thing

00:29:46.140 hit and you know that's what made my career and that you know it was uh was it like in a minute

00:29:53.660 i mean what was the minute like when you went wow i did it well we started off doing doing the tour and

00:30:01.580 we really uh i remember the first time we ever talked about doing it and me being part of it and

00:30:07.200 uh jeff was like uh uh well there's this big thing coming up and if you play your cards right you can

00:30:14.980 be part of it and i'm like why don't i just give you my cards and you play them anyway you want to

00:30:19.860 and i'm in and uh and then he told us about combining a tour and the four of us going out and i'm like

00:30:26.060 that's retarded and uh turns out it wasn't retarded at all it's huge business and uh and i was the

00:30:33.420 opening act and it was jeff's tour you know and uh we had another guy and then we got dan whitney

00:30:39.600 larry the cable guy which was a really good fit for us and yeah and uh you know we did these huge

00:30:44.960 venues and then warner brothers signed us up to do a movie and i didn't even know what it meant

00:30:49.140 you know like sounds good to me and uh that was the catalyst you know there has to be a catalyst

00:30:55.660 how fun was it way back when you were just starting you know i i uh i had such a blast uh i i

00:31:04.460 i knew that i had a special brain how old were you when you first knew that uh

00:31:14.160 yeah yeah well i i knew it was i didn't know what was the upside was going to be about it

00:31:21.620 and uh but i didn't i didn't graduate from high school but then i wrote the best joke about

00:31:29.360 uh having a ged that's ever been written what is it so i didn't graduate from high school

00:31:37.420 uh i do have a ged and if you don't know what ged stands for you've probably got one too

00:31:45.460 i do have one so but i but i couldn't do traditional school work almost at all and a

00:31:58.300 horrible attention deficit disorder and and most mostly i was in uh in slow classes

00:32:05.560 and uh i also had some dyslexia oh shit and uh where was this at where were you growing up

00:32:13.520 deer park texas suburb of houston the smellier chemicalier side of houston and uh but i knew that

00:32:24.600 i could hold court at a party or a function or and i also could write funny songs and uh which i did

00:32:36.360 and uh and so i and and i always got laughs you know i was always knew that there was something

00:32:42.100 about it that was good but i had no idea that if you wanted to be a comedian all you got to do is go

00:32:47.720 start being a comedian uh you do have to do that though you got to go do it all the time immerse

00:32:52.880 yourself in it but you can do it i didn't know it was an option they didn't talk a lot about the arts

00:32:57.280 a career day at deer park yeah you know junior high and uh so when they uh they opened a comedy club

00:33:08.420 uh funny bone between where i lived and where i worked so i saw the sign every day and

00:33:13.060 right soon after it opened this guy named sam bartholomew that i worked with he went to the first

00:33:19.280 open mic night or first yeah open mic night and he came back the next day and goes you're funnier than

00:33:25.100 these people wow you should go down there and give this a try and i and i and i had also always been

00:33:31.380 a comedy fan so i had uh you know all the you know all the cosby stuff and uh prior and i mean i had

00:33:39.420 flip wilson oh those are all my favorite new heart and new heart yeah uh andy griffith yeah i had him

00:33:46.400 too i had all the malpums yeah so and i and i know that that what i loved about him was uh the laughter

00:33:54.880 just listening to the laughter because as a kid i couldn't have got the jokes but i loved listening

00:33:59.240 to them when i was a kid and there wasn't a lot of laughing going on over my place and and uh so i think

00:34:05.000 that's what kind of hooked me ron what year did you start stand up 86 86 yeah that's when you started

00:34:11.700 that's the year i got the carson show oh really christ yeah that's weird i'm sorry to laugh but

00:34:19.380 he's already told the story but i remember when you talked coming to la and your your rise to success

00:34:24.900 was so quick and i remember just looking at rob we were the vulcan and you're almost receiving

00:34:29.660 because you're it took how long from the time you started till the blue collar tour

00:34:34.500 i was about 15 years i think that happened right around 2000 and you had the razor blade 2001 stuff

00:34:43.020 like it was it was a heart it was a long yeah 15 years that nobody gave a fiddler's fuck that's what

00:34:48.780 you said yeah but and you know what and that and that's okay too yeah you know here we are because i was

00:34:56.700 so ready you know i just had in blue collar i was only on it the first album for 10 minutes

00:35:01.940 and i was sitting there thinking about that i'm like you know that i got a shot at getting famous

00:35:08.420 with 10 minutes of material that's amazing and uh because most people burn what their best stuff

00:35:13.920 getting you know on hbo or whatever but but then i've got this big old show that nobody's ever seen

00:35:20.860 and and the the blue collar stuff was all clean because jeff was jeff's show and jeff's work clean so i had

00:35:26.260 to do work pretty clean on that so a lot of the crowd wasn't ready for the it's not near as wholesome

00:35:32.280 in its bigger view you know the uh but for the most part it worked great so but i kind of saw that

00:35:40.020 coming down well man that's got to be about perfect right to be able to get famous without burning all

00:35:45.900 this stuff that's amazing but you didn't burn a lot of material before you got famous either right

00:35:50.820 well i did that my first hbo special i burned all my material okay that was before i got my show

00:35:56.900 i had you know a good oh that was before roseanne yeah that was kind of like the pilot for my tv tv show

00:36:05.180 oh okay but i did my full hour clean fairly clean you know and then uh i wrote that other show that i

00:36:15.760 told you i got can't my first cancellation and i did a special out of that too so i i've done like

00:36:22.660 four or five hbo specials yeah and then i just did this box i think that was my fifth one

00:36:28.840 so i got five hours of comedy and i'm working on my sixth i just love it it's so great to do it again

00:36:36.540 i didn't do it for a really long time yeah right well you could tell i wish we could build a club

00:36:42.520 like right in our backyard we did but you moved to blanco instead of austin i know but i'm gonna get

00:36:50.240 a place in austin for an old lady i'm gonna get me an old lady place so i can work the uh because i

00:36:58.400 enjoy hanging out with the comics i really do they just melt when you walk on stage they just go crazy

00:37:04.980 crazy crazy with love and they want to let you know they want to let you know they do yeah it just

00:37:11.520 feel so nice what would what would that uh what would that guy if you were you when you were looking

00:37:19.520 back and it was a time machine what would that guy with the razor blade shit what would he think if he

00:37:26.380 had a vision of how you are right now would he even imagine it uh you know no i don't think he saw it

00:37:33.420 coming that's my success i mean i don't think he saw that coming uh are you talking about from my

00:37:41.720 perspective yeah your old your young self no you know even later on after jeff got real big and because

00:37:54.320 i knew him both before and after that and i still never thought it would happen to me i thought i kind

00:38:01.060 saw myself like willie nelson's harmonica player just a good job over there every week just blowing

00:38:08.440 a harmonica i would open for jeff forever you know uh that was a good enough job for me and i didn't

00:38:14.280 need a lot and uh but i never really ever considered that i didn't think i had done the work i didn't

00:38:22.960 think i was good enough i didn't think all these things you know that most people do i guess but

00:38:27.020 uh so i was completely surprised and thrilled you know when i did work and uh i've never quite

00:38:35.740 understood it but that doesn't matter you know uh but i don't really think i'll do any more extensive

00:38:42.840 touring i may go out and do some dates it's it's fun but you know it's fun doing what we're you know

00:38:50.440 doing here in town so i don't think i'm gonna yeah i i i'm thinking about it i could do just a few

00:38:56.540 here and there because i don't want to lose it now that i found it again right it's just too fun

00:39:01.420 it's just too fun to keep your brain firing on that level because it's people like us you know that

00:39:07.660 the people who are thinkers like we are how we put shit together for a bit we're the ones that gets

00:39:14.640 alzheimer

00:39:15.420 yeah i wouldn't be a bit goddamn surprised i think that's how it'll go right yeah something

00:39:24.380 like that i don't know oh i know that in my uh directive uh i want so i want to be kept alive

00:39:30.580 as long as i could possibly be kept alive and i want somebody wiping my ass until i'm in my

00:39:36.260 early hundreds and uh even if all i can do is chew oatmeal i don't want you to pull the plug on me i

00:39:43.120 want to live forever that's that's interesting you're the opposite i want to be an imposition

00:39:49.160 yeah i want to be an imposition i should look at it that way my worst nightmare is that i would

00:39:55.480 need my kids to take care of me and when i'm like incapable of taking care of myself because you

00:40:01.900 know i know they'd go like remember that time you you know right i'm not doing anything i'm not

00:40:08.360 changing a diaper or anything i'll say that right now i'm not doing it you're you're a better man than

00:40:12.640 me so i just want to go right if i get sick fuck it man i'm i'm out of here bring me a carton of

00:40:20.000 cigarettes and propofol that's what you want yeah i want the michael jackson drugs call those people

00:40:25.780 at hospice they bring a suicide kit to your house they do leave it on the counter not in i mean

00:40:32.320 that's what they all your big pain meds they just you're going a bag there if uh i love that shortcut

00:40:40.340 to this little thing i think they should offer that but no they always act like hospice is depressing

00:40:45.820 but it's like it literally they just want you to be comfortable while you die that's the whole thing

00:40:49.160 so you just sit and people bring the drugs you mean that's the best thing i think that everyone

00:40:53.760 should have that option if they're terminally ill you know or not just you probably don't be in a

00:41:00.240 freaking anti-trumper you probably oh boy what a guy can i ask you both i'm sorry can i ask you

00:41:12.220 both the question no yes as from like a plebe um you guys could could each one of you just give

00:41:19.800 advice to in your own words to like up and coming young comics that maybe haven't broken yet they're

00:41:25.500 gonna watch this that's a sweet question yeah but give me a lighter so i i gotta tell them i'll go

00:41:32.300 first okay i'll give you the last word yeah people gotta fucking huh you gotta smoke a lot of pot okay

00:41:38.760 that's rule number one and and uh i i always say my advice is don't do it unless you have to

00:41:48.780 unless you want to go unless you're willing to go through the negative side of it the pain of it

00:41:56.480 there's a lot of pain but it helps you grow you just keep plugging if you have to

00:42:02.920 well i would say not have to but if you want to if it sounds like it would be fun to you and you're

00:42:13.400 okay with doing it as a hobby and not making a dime off of it but if you think you're going to be

00:42:20.260 sitting on a couch someday with roseanne bar and ron white you're not so you're probably going to suck

00:42:26.300 at it but that doesn't mean it won't be fun so uh and then the big piece of advice and uh the common

00:42:33.840 denominator i think between but that all the only thing that all big comics have in common is that

00:42:40.940 they're true to their nature and uh because nothing else is interesting who you pretend to be is not

00:42:47.460 interesting to anybody but who you really are which is tougher than it sounds but if you can be who you

00:42:54.500 really are that is interesting so those two things don't expect anything out of it be willing to

00:43:01.240 give it everything and be true to who you are if you can and i'm going to tell you right now you can't

00:43:06.940 well is that the hardest one because you you know because you don't know who the fuck you are anyway

00:43:13.540 that's why you're a comic sometimes you don't you don't know how honest we'll be until you've heard

00:43:18.300 from somebody else you know oh i do that too you know i but i know that that's if you look at

00:43:26.000 kenison and cosby and and uh prior and and you and and uh that basically they were that's who they

00:43:36.380 were you know except for the raping that bill did well that was also who he was to be fair right

00:43:43.220 that's right that's right that was his nature but it never leaked into the show right no not at all

00:43:49.000 don't be yourself all the way have you ever well i think he had two two or three sounds have you

00:43:54.880 ever heard my bill cosby joke no let's hear it it's really short good let's hear it oh how do i do it

00:44:02.860 the bill cosby what bill did used to do was he would give women drugs and when they passed out he

00:44:09.600 would have sex with them but in bill's defense he explained to us years ago how much he hates

00:44:15.500 cursing and no one curses more than a wide awake woman who's being raped the language ladies

00:44:24.300 that's that's really good

00:44:27.320 oh my god he i think he's got two or three he's a severely divided person but you know what

00:44:37.500 you never didn't learn how to do stand-up watching bill cosby we all learned we all did bill cosby

00:44:43.620 himself was the best comedy special i believe ever made ever made and that was just a tight shot of

00:44:49.160 bill's face you know you can learn a lot about a comedy special by watching that one because it

00:44:54.840 wasn't complicated you know it was we all learned everything from him yep but he is like a tortured

00:45:01.500 soul well isn't that i mean i hear that a lot about comics like in general do you think ron

00:45:09.420 it's a just bunch of tortured souls damaged yeah i mean can you be funny if you're like

00:45:16.820 completely privileged your whole life you know just a question i guess you can in some way

00:45:22.660 get ready for las vegas style action at bet mgm the king of online casinos enjoy casino games at

00:45:30.100 your fingertips with the same vegas strip excitement mgm is famous for when you play classics like mgm

00:45:35.980 grand millions or popular games like blackjack baccarat and roulette with our ever-growing library

00:45:42.320 of digital slot games a large selection of online table games and signature bet mgm service there's no

00:45:48.940 better way to bring the excitement and ambience of las vegas home to you than with bet mgm casino

00:45:54.260 download the bet mgm casino app today bet mgm and game sense remind you to play responsibly

00:46:00.280 bet mgm.com for t's and c's 19 plus to wager ontario only please play responsibly if you have questions

00:46:06.260 or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you please contact connects ontario at 1-866-531-2600

00:46:14.260 to speak to an advisor free of charge bet mgm operates pursuant to an operating agreement with

00:46:19.140 i gaming ontario get ready for las vegas style action at bet mgm the king of online casinos enjoy

00:46:26.480 casino games at your fingertips with the same vegas strip excitement mgm is famous for when you play

00:46:32.400 classics like mgm grand millions or popular games like blackjack baccarat and roulette with our ever-growing

00:46:38.880 library of digital slot games a large selection of online table games and signature bet mgm service

00:46:44.960 there is no better way to bring the excitement and ambience of las vegas home to you than with

00:46:50.320 bet mgm casino download the bet mgm casino app today bet mgm and game sense remind you to play

00:46:56.840 responsibly bet mgm.com for t's and c's 19 plus to wager ontario only please play responsibly if you

00:47:04.760 have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you please contact conx ontario at

00:47:10.140 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge bet mgm operates pursuant to an operating

00:47:18.400 agreement with i gaming ontario not really not the wounded kind of funny yeah that's the best yeah not

00:47:26.460 good stuff that's a real pain not the real agony of it who do you think let's let's get into this

00:47:34.540 for a few yeah who's the who do you think was the most tortured comic you ever knew well i knew i knew

00:47:42.180 headberg you know uh that was pretty pretty tortured fella and uh but just could not shake heroin to save

00:47:51.580 his life and and uh literally so what about you uh sam well sam was tortured sam kennison was really

00:48:04.220 tortured i thought yeah yeah uh mentally tortured um did you work with him yeah just at the store or did

00:48:14.460 you yeah uh he kind of came to colorado and you know helped me go to see mitzi him and louie anderson

00:48:22.660 oh okay i didn't know that was the sam you were talking about yeah but he he's mentally tortured

00:48:28.220 i mean i saw him do some weird shit at the store what you know he did weird shit at the store right i

00:48:35.860 don't know what weird shit he did well like with guns and drugs and shit well i know everybody was

00:48:42.060 doing drugs well everybody was doing that though right having guns and the cops coming hanging out

00:48:47.480 with them snorting coke and fucking conjuring up demons and stuff in the green room you know they

00:48:55.840 was doing all that kind of shit demons they were yeah praying to satan and all kind of shit

00:49:01.500 jeez uh i had a little weird i got a call one time and i and uh

00:49:08.300 one day and uh kennison was coming to town and labov uh poor carl uh was in rehabbers i forget why

00:49:18.320 he couldn't make it but it was last minute thing that he couldn't make it and so they said is there

00:49:22.980 anybody around that could do this spot and they're going around why it's all right you know and so they

00:49:27.320 gave me the spot at dallas county convention theater two thousand people sold out and it was a

00:49:32.620 remake so he'd already canceled it once and he was back again and uh and i get there his brother bill's

00:49:39.280 there and uh and he kind of explains that you know sometimes the opening act with sam is like a

00:49:45.420 sacrificial lamb so don't get thrown off if they hate you because they really just want to see sam

00:49:50.460 they want to scream they're going to start screaming and uh so uh well okay well you know and sam

00:49:58.880 wasn't there so they started the show and uh and i killed it was a great set he was looking out there

00:50:04.260 wow so he was going to stretch because sam still wasn't there well i didn't have much to stretch

00:50:09.620 with so you know i got to like 18 or 19 minutes and i'm like flat out of shit you know and uh leave

00:50:16.560 and sam's still not there and i'm sitting back in my little dressing room i got a little ice chest with

00:50:22.120 some beer and alec remundo and my first wife they were back there and then sam shows up now there's 15

00:50:28.220 people back there limos pull up and a big party and he had a two-room little dressing suite with

00:50:33.960 lobster and shit and and uh and his bodyguard came straight to get me now these people been waiting

00:50:39.680 20 minutes and uh said mr kennison wants to meet you and uh so uh it takes me back there and uh he

00:50:48.040 looks at me he's got a vial of blow and he's banging it on the table got a lock rock stuck in it and

00:50:54.020 uh he looks at me he goes heard you killed him cowboy and i said yeah that's a great uh crowd

00:50:59.460 you're gonna love him sam and he goes how about a cup of coffee like yeah why not you know sam

00:51:06.880 kennison fuck yeah so he did i did a rail and uh and then he did a huge rail and then he faked a

00:51:13.780 heart attack and nobody believed it but me because i guess they'd seen it all the time yeah so i was

00:51:19.900 about to start sucking face with him and he jumps up and let me show you how it's done and goes out

00:51:27.560 there and just annihilates this crowd and afterwards there were people there from the funny bone in the

00:51:31.940 and the laugh stop and the punch line at that show and they get the afterwards i was talking to them

00:51:39.160 and they and they were like let's go out to dinner and talk about your career that was on one shoulder

00:51:43.420 on the other shoulder was kennison going titty bars cocaine i'm like yeah i'm gonna have to talk to y'all

00:51:49.340 tomorrow i'm gonna go with shoulder b here and uh he was fucking great wasn't he yeah he was i mean

00:51:57.180 he was really in his prime uh at that show and i opened another one where he was just bouncing into a

00:52:04.620 club before a bigger date and uh horrible sad just uh he got there i was supposed to do 10 minutes and

00:52:11.820 he was gonna do all that was the headliner in the club that week and uh and i knew he wouldn't

00:52:15.240 remember me and he didn't but uh but i was supposed to do 10 minutes i did an hour and 20 minutes waiting

00:52:20.760 for him to get there and he got there and he had on his sunglasses like cookie crumbs down his shirt

00:52:25.860 and he was just a wreck and uh i mean barely got a laugh the whole time and then really

00:52:33.060 and then went in the office and slept on the floor and you know he was and that wasn't that long i don't

00:52:38.160 think before he passed away yeah didn't he get clean before he died he said he was got sober for a few

00:52:45.560 months and then he died and yeah he got hit by a drunk driver and they said his last words he looked up to

00:52:53.700 heaven and goes why now because it's like fuck now i'm sober right i wanted to go out like a rock star

00:53:00.320 right now i look like a pussy going out if i can get hit by a drunk driver sober right anybody can do that

00:53:06.400 it's easy but he he was just great to watch on stage you know that brings me to the subject of the comedy

00:53:13.960 store the the comics i saw there just you know i look back on my life and think

00:53:20.540 i saw richard pryor perform live i saw rodney dangerfeld i saw sam kennison i saw uh i think i saw

00:53:29.480 no i didn't see jerry seinfeld i saw him at the improv and i saw um just fucking great performers

00:53:37.100 um right there at the comedy store and i i have the feeling that that's how

00:53:43.040 the mothership's gonna be i mean it kind of is now but it'll probably grow in that that direction

00:53:50.760 yeah i wish some of the older ones would come out you know when i started going to the store

00:53:56.620 uh it was after i'd i'd already become a big comic and uh for years and uh but i'd moved to beverly hills

00:54:06.140 because i was gonna do something with hbo that didn't happen and so i started going down there

00:54:11.160 and doing sets but i really didn't know who the younger comics were and uh and i mean like anybody

00:54:18.540 so i was i didn't know sebastian maniscalco i was like patting him on the shoulder going you should

00:54:25.780 keep doing this he's playing the same fucking rooms i am you know then and i'm sure he's like fuck you

00:54:32.020 old man get the fuck away from me and ali wong i was just trying to encourage him because i had no

00:54:37.120 idea how fucking big they were because i just don't i'm i'm out of the loop yeah i'm out of the

00:54:42.360 loop i don't watch stand-up hardly at all so i don't either but you know it's cool to be back and

00:54:48.040 watching some young ones and going damn they're funny doing something different too i like that they

00:54:54.540 do something different right if you can see that yeah every time i write something it sounds like an

00:54:59.560 old man wrote it i know i was gonna say it is kind of like my references are so old like i last night

00:55:08.160 i talked about the jingles that are stuck in your head for for no reason like winston taste you're

00:55:14.560 probably no i remember like a cigarette should sure yeah for no reason it's in my head and it lives

00:55:21.120 there yeah rent-free none of them knew what i was talking about yeah i never i never heard that one

00:55:26.820 what about ayahuasca i need to know about that because i want to try it well i had a little

00:55:33.960 problem with alcohol and uh just a little one yeah just a little tiny one and uh and then i owned a

00:55:39.900 tequila company called number one tequila buy it at your store i have drank that that's wonderful

00:55:45.900 stuff i didn't know that was yours yeah it is oh cool and uh but um i just had a problem i was just

00:55:54.360 i beat my head against an alcohol wall every night for 50 years and or whatever and uh and i don't

00:56:03.160 know why to this day and it was just getting worse and i didn't think i could stop ever because it was

00:56:09.680 also ingrained in my personality and my show yeah it's what i was famous for you know and uh and

00:56:17.560 and i really just didn't think there was a life for me and i started getting really bad numbers

00:56:23.880 on my liver and uh so i'm like all right well i've heard that you know ayahuasca you know you but i

00:56:32.820 called ayahuasca the ayahuasca place which is the one i went to it's called rhythmia and that's in

00:56:37.740 costa rica and i told them how much i was drinking and they said nah you really can't come here because

00:56:43.140 we're not a detox facility and uh uh so you have to like not drink for a couple of weeks before you

00:56:50.140 come here and i'm like i can't do that that's crazy that ruins my plan so i knew about this hypnotist

00:56:57.240 uh that another guy that was real famous at my one of my assistants had worked for that he went to

00:57:04.840 this guy because he was out of control in every way he could be and he quit doing all of it so i'm

00:57:10.160 like well maybe i'll go to that guy so i went to that guy over in santa monica and his little house

00:57:14.460 he's in his garage so uh i went through it's four sessions with him the first one you don't

00:57:21.320 quit drinking he said at the end of you don't have to quit drinking now i'm like great great great i can

00:57:24.840 do that and then after the second one he was like now you don't drink and uh and uh i haven't had a

00:57:32.420 drink for two and a half years so wow i led by that led me to the ayahuasca i couldn't have set it up

00:57:39.960 any better you know i mean just the the way this place was was it's not expensive wow uh and air

00:57:48.220 conditioning the room yeah great air conditioning in the room that you that you do the ceremony in

00:57:54.040 is a it's probably there were like 50 of us i guess and everybody has their own little bed that's

00:57:59.800 really well made nice you know blankets and pillows and then a bucket to throw up in and uh

00:58:06.560 yeah don't you like throw up and shit yourself well you you either throw up or you shit yourself i was

00:58:13.020 uh i was one of the shitters and uh you do the way you do this in a room with 50 people

00:58:18.760 yeah and i would walk in after taking a shit seeing a bunch of people throwing up going

00:58:23.660 lucky because you can do that right in your bed you know you got a puke bucket you don't have a

00:58:28.940 shit bucket you got to get up and go but uh the guy it's it's pretty ceremonial you know now is that

00:58:37.960 just to empty you of all things in your it's the poison system i think it's whatever it is just

00:58:44.380 makes you puke i don't know i don't know i don't know why no ayahuasca makes you vomit and shit

00:58:49.140 yourself i know is that to empty out your system i think it's because it's a poison like alcohol it's

00:58:53.840 a poison certainly well they're all all things that get you higher technically a poison it certainly

00:58:58.320 emptied out my system if that was its intention okay that's what it did so then what well i stood

00:59:03.640 in line to get it my dose and i the the shaman there guys look at feathers and and what was the

00:59:09.980 dose in liquid or yeah liquid uh kind of a real thick really nasty stuff how much maybe an ounce and

00:59:18.760 a half like a shot glass and i did that i said so what do you do and he goes well outside there's

00:59:23.840 all these hammocks and a big fire it's really fucking pretty and he goes he just to go out

00:59:28.820 there and get in one of those hammocks until it's time to come in and i said well how do you know when

00:59:33.240 it's time to come in the guy goes oh you'll know and i was out there and i was coming on to these

00:59:39.220 things and i was like oh it's kind of like a light mushroom buzz kind of smooth and easy and then i

00:59:45.700 and i opened my mouth and the entire forest rushed down my throat and i was like it's probably time

00:59:52.400 to go in i bet that's the signal and uh right there so i went back in and laid down and on the bed

01:00:00.340 and it was just really really intense hard tripping uh what do you mean by tripping i've never done that

01:00:07.580 yeah well do you mean seeing things yeah like you know like somebody's skull if you looked at them

01:00:14.160 too close you'd see their skull instead of their face and it wasn't very pleasant at all i didn't

01:00:19.220 think and uh in fact it was so intense that i i couldn't even figure out how to i had my head it

01:00:26.580 so i just couldn't figure it out i'm like i know i have hands i know they're hooked to arms i know i've

01:00:32.600 got fingernails i could use one of those to scratch my head i give up i don't know and then somebody was

01:00:39.580 walked by and i that worked there and i said could you scratch my head i just don't have it

01:00:44.520 and they're like sure and i was i was fine but uh but i really you couldn't move so let me just

01:00:53.900 understand you you had no control of your body i think i could have done it but your brain didn't

01:01:00.120 want to kick in to say do it right yeah yeah just it we just it was i was just piece it together

01:01:05.740 off into it so deep because all your brains were involved in what thinking of what were they thinking

01:01:14.900 of uh these really dark images uh from my i guess from my past i don't know so you were seeing your

01:01:24.300 kind of your trauma passed before your eyes you know living it or what it's really kind of just

01:01:30.940 hard to describe and i considered not doing it again and because it was like just traumatic yeah

01:01:38.500 just really a traumatic evening of tripping how long did it go on shitting and tripping well that's the

01:01:44.480 beautiful thing about it that i didn't know is that it only lasts for a while and like how long it's

01:01:50.240 like two and a half hours or something like that too long uh but you can keep doing doses of it but

01:01:57.060 once it gets close to midnight they'll quit giving it to you and uh and also not everybody's having the

01:02:02.520 same experience that i am i'm laying on there just uh i can't get up at all and uh and there are people

01:02:09.300 dancing you know there's live music they get sitars and drums and stuff that'd make me want to kill

01:02:15.760 somebody if there's a fucking sitar well i don't know if that's exactly what it is a 12 string

01:02:21.200 something i think it was a sitar actually but it was you know just kind of groovy uh trip music so it

01:02:28.900 was nice uh but the next night it was uh i just had this overwhelming feeling of love

01:02:37.980 so you did it again after the traumatic night you go back yeah geez you're a trusting son of a gun

01:02:45.860 well you know i'd already bought the e-ticket so oh yeah you gotta go might as well go and

01:02:51.400 did you shoot yourself again the second night i still had the shits but but none of the really

01:02:56.960 downside of the trip it was all really light and lovely and oh and uh i was dancing and swaying and

01:03:05.060 and they have so your body worked you could give oh cool fully functioning and and uh but they also

01:03:12.060 have a rule that you can't talk to the other people oh i love that which is a great rule yeah

01:03:17.820 yeah that's a good one somebody trying to explain to you what's going on in their fucking head

01:03:21.480 yeah no kidding so you kind of you're with everybody but you don't talk to anybody that's cool

01:03:26.200 and then after on that one i could wander outside and get back in the hammocks and you know all kinds

01:03:31.220 of monkeys and shit oh i'd love to see monkeys oh they're monkeys costa rica is your place then

01:03:36.700 but uh and then i did it two more nights in a row and then the last night what was the third night

01:03:43.660 like like the nothing was like the first night oh they said it was like a death and a rebirth oh and

01:03:51.140 uh and then like an ego death or something i think so maybe you know then you come into love

01:03:59.200 and forgiveness oh cool third night what was the lesson third night uh i think they were just overall

01:04:08.120 uh lessons i mean i just i walked away from it well mostly you know forgiving myself oh that's great and

01:04:20.660 uh for any number of things that we can't get into and but but there you know there was plenty of

01:04:28.260 reasons for me to to be able to give myself a break you know that's cool and uh isn't that the

01:04:33.680 hardest fucking thing i was able to forgive everybody except one divorce lawyer and i just hate that

01:04:38.720 motherfucker so bad i just can't do it i'm like i i gave you everybody else i'm keeping this

01:04:43.880 motherfucker i'm gonna torture his ass in my hatred for him and uh and he deserves it so fuck him

01:04:51.160 but i forgave everybody else so that was pretty good and then yourself that's awesome that's the

01:04:56.960 hardest thing yeah yeah just how did that change you did that now how did that make you quit drinking

01:05:02.360 you know uh i'm not sure if that's what did it or if it was the hypnosis or i just came up with a

01:05:08.900 magical program that works which is hypnosis ayahuasca combo platter but that's that's what

01:05:14.580 i would be well maybe unloading your your sad baggage and trauma i think it's also helped don't

01:05:20.320 you think people drink or take too many drugs because they're trying to medicate the pain

01:05:24.700 i think so you know i think that you people want blinders they don't want to see and they don't want

01:05:30.160 to deal with it and you know too busy and but i think part of it is that i i you know i think that

01:05:38.360 that that that that that i needed both of those things i needed that medical information to stick

01:05:43.500 in my head that reminds you of the day your liver starts barking and i'm not preaching sobriety i don't

01:05:49.460 give a fuck in fact go buy number one tequila and get trashed with it every night for the rest of your

01:05:54.980 life and but once your liver actually makes a noise then your life has changed forever yeah it is

01:06:02.300 because you know it's it's very the liver is very quiet until it's too late and then and and so and i

01:06:09.220 know that right i didn't like i don't think i learned anything new uh but i learned it under hypnosis and

01:06:16.560 now i can't i can't unlearn it so i went to this fucking hypnosis shit i'll tell you what happened to me

01:06:23.420 um well i was going to hypnosis to quit smoking this was way before i quit smoking i've quit

01:06:30.920 smoking like 15 times for years yeah you're good at quitting yeah i'm really good at quitting

01:06:35.520 anyway and uh it was to quit smoking and lose weight hypnosis it was mrs brady's husband

01:06:44.720 on the brady bunch's husband the real guy yeah the actor florence henderson florence henderson's

01:06:51.480 husband had his own hypnosis clinic oh okay he was known for he's a big one so i go over there i'm

01:06:59.280 getting for losing weight and quit smoking well it happens to be across the street from tommy's big

01:07:04.740 boy hamburgers so before i go in there of course i go over there get a double cheeseburger and fries

01:07:12.760 the whole thing and eat it and then go over and get hypnotized to lose weight and uh quit smoking

01:07:19.580 that's like when people go into rehab loaded that's your version every week i always was always

01:07:26.480 would self-sabotage you know right well you know people say you know that uh it's weird that i'm

01:07:32.880 sober i'm not sober i just don't drink you know i i of course i smoke pot i just got through smoking

01:07:37.800 some but you know i also do but i mean it's good that you don't drink because you know if you did

01:07:43.620 it'd kill you you'd fuck up everything you'd lose everything you know it yeah it's good yeah alcohol's

01:07:50.800 a fucking demon it really is and you know it's kind of this younger generation's not drinking that much

01:07:56.740 is that true yeah they're not what are they doing taking fentanyl ketamine xanax yeah but they're not

01:08:04.240 drinking that's uh i just see i hear about it all the time and uh then the bar owners hate it because

01:08:09.240 they'll come in and drink water and oh ketamine party have you ever done ketamine yeah i did it too

01:08:16.800 i love it i you know what i i think i did too much uh and uh and it was right before it set

01:08:24.880 and uh and i'd never done it before and it was just a little overwhelming and i didn't that

01:08:30.740 i haven't really done it since but i asked my head shrinker if i can get some and get on it can you

01:08:37.500 yeah they prescribe it but you got to go to uh treatment but i'm gonna go because i just didn't

01:08:44.720 feel any of dark you know the dark fog that depressive dark fog it cut that right out and i was like

01:08:52.240 personable well i have enjoyed so much talking to you and having you here thank you so much for

01:09:05.880 coming you're interesting as fuck you're a great comic you're a good person thanks for having me

01:09:14.740 you're so sweet to ask uh you know that's uh the uh you know the first time that i that i saw you

01:09:23.040 was on the tonight show set and i knew for a fact that i'd never seen anybody this good on stage

01:09:29.960 before and such an original approach to stand-up comedy and uh was an instant fan so when you

01:09:36.360 first started coming down to the to the vulcan that was a big thrill you know for all of us and to

01:09:41.900 see you still had chops it was just the greatest thing so sweet and uh so we're glad to have you

01:09:48.180 down here and it was an absolutely uh pleasure to come down and do your podcast thank you and uh

01:09:54.840 and eat your food the food was right we haven't even started eating let's go finish let's go do it

01:09:59.980 we got the meat now all right thank you sweetheart thank you

01:10:03.060 i know that a lot of americans are concerned with rising inflation rates with the banks collapsing

01:10:11.620 with china taking over with biden being a complete criminal um you're probably not feeling secure

01:10:17.340 in your investments in your future and uh you're not wrong to be scared um i highly suggest that you

01:10:26.040 look into taking whatever retirement you have whatever money you have aside um whatever you're

01:10:32.740 thinking about doing don't keep it in the bank because a hundred thousand dollars today that you've

01:10:38.940 saved that you feel good about in 10 years is going to be worth about fifty thousand dollars or so

01:10:43.600 the smartest thing you can do is invest in precious metals gold and silver it is smart people have been

01:10:51.720 telling you this your grandfather probably told you this i'm going to tell you right now to go to

01:10:55.380 bh-pm.com that's beverly hills precious metals sign up a free consultation let them know roseanne sent you

01:11:02.960 um and if you are interested and you are smart you will think very very strongly about getting your

01:11:09.640 money out of the corrupt banking system and uh away from the corrupt stock market and invest in your

01:11:15.800 future in a safe way which is precious metals

01:11:18.560 the word imitation on labels across the nation what's real has become a freak

01:11:23.840 some one's trying to make me weak

01:11:28.360 strange initials to keep me blind psychedelic music that blow my mind so you see

01:11:36.960 my patience is growing thin

01:11:41.360 get ready for las vegas style action at bet mgm the king of online casinos enjoy casino games at

01:11:54.320 your fingertips with the same vegas strip excitement mgm is famous for when you play classics like mgm grand

01:12:00.920 millions or popular games like blackjack baccarat and roulette with our ever-growing library of digital

01:12:06.800 slot games a large selection of online table games and signature bet mgm service there is no better way

01:12:13.360 to bring the excitement and ambiance of las vegas home to you than with bet mgm casino download the

01:12:19.540 bet mgm casino app today bet mgm and game sense remind you to play responsibly bet mgm.com for t's and c's

01:12:26.980 19 plus to wager ontario only please play responsibly if you have questions or concerns about

01:12:32.900 your gambling or someone close to you please contact conx ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak

01:12:41.000 to an advisor free of charge bet mgm operates pursuant to an operating agreement with i gaming

01:12:46.580 ontario tim's holiday smile cookie is here until november 24th 100 of proceeds are donated to local

01:12:53.400 charities community groups and tim's camps get one to give back to your community at participating

01:12:58.040 restaurants in canada light up black friday with freedom mobile and get 50 gigs to use in canada

01:13:07.840 the u.s and mexico for just 35 bucks a month for 18 months plus get a one-time gift of five gigs of

01:13:14.480 roam beyond data conditions apply details at freedom mobile.ca

The Roseanne Barr Podcast - July 20, 2023

Ron White ｜ The Roseanne Barr Podcast #006

Episode Stats

Length

Words per Minute

Word Count

Sentence Count

Misogynist Sentences

Hate Speech Sentences

Summary

Transcript