The Roseanne Barr Podcast - Roseanne artificially inseminates Kim Congdon

00:00:00.000 I hate hockey. Seriously, I can't stand it.

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00:00:30.600 Greetings, humans and earthlings.

00:00:35.060 I'm excited to have you here with me

00:00:38.700 to discuss female comedy genius,

00:00:44.420 which the world needs to be so much more aware of

00:00:49.000 as it is the only hope for the future of humanity.

00:00:53.920 And my guest is the perfect guest to discuss that with me,

00:00:57.600 Kim Congdon.

00:00:59.320 Yeah, you got it.

00:01:00.500 I said it right.

00:01:01.320 No one ever gets it.

00:01:02.920 Yeah, it's an unusual name.

00:01:04.860 Welcome to the podcast.

00:01:06.340 Thank you for having me.

00:01:07.400 This is fucking awesome.

00:01:09.240 Now we're going to cut to the...

00:01:11.020 There's no cut?

00:01:12.160 Oh, I thought you did that.

00:01:13.420 That guy comes in.

00:01:14.720 So you see...

00:01:15.720 Oh, yeah, but I do that in Hitler.

00:01:17.980 My patience is wearing thin

00:01:20.540 In this synthetic bullshit fucking world

00:01:25.420 We're living in

00:01:28.000 Listen, I love you and I wanted to go right into the first night I ever met you.

00:01:40.260 It was at the magical vortex, otherworldliness of Mitzi Shore's karmic comedy store on Sunset Boulevard.

00:01:52.560 Yes, yeah.

00:01:53.780 It was...

00:01:54.620 What a night.

00:01:55.820 I was so excited when you were there and I tried to be really cool about it.

00:02:00.600 And...

00:02:00.760 I thought you were really cool.

00:02:02.320 I'm glad you thought because I stalked you to the back.

00:02:04.940 I saw you go back there.

00:02:05.820 I said, I'm going to let her get a little high and then I'm going to go say hello.

00:02:08.840 I'm going to let her get stoned first and then I'm going to say hello.

00:02:12.200 But I wanted to say hi to you so bad.

00:02:13.820 I've been a fan forever.

00:02:15.580 And we were talking about this earlier.

00:02:17.860 Comedians are narcissistic.

00:02:19.100 So I've always been like, she's just like me.

00:02:21.280 I love her.

00:02:22.560 I love her.

00:02:23.460 That's how you know if somebody's really funny.

00:02:26.040 Hey, they remind me of me.

00:02:28.500 Exactly.

00:02:29.820 Exactly.

00:02:30.440 Pure narcissism.

00:02:31.840 Pure narcissism.

00:02:32.660 Doesn't that, isn't that what makes a comic?

00:02:35.060 Yeah, it is.

00:02:36.220 It's a crazy thing.

00:02:36.820 It's like, it's like if narcissism and self-hatred had a baby.

00:02:41.840 Yeah.

00:02:42.320 That's what a comedian is.

00:02:43.660 Yeah, exactly.

00:02:45.140 I said it's like a fucking virus or something.

00:02:48.360 I said it's a curse, but it's also a blessing because you can't stop it.

00:02:52.300 You always have to have the snappy thing.

00:02:54.780 If you get slapped a million fucking times, it don't stop.

00:02:58.320 I know.

00:02:58.540 It's always a, yeah, you think so.

00:03:00.340 Are you, and it comes out the snappy comeback.

00:03:03.020 Yeah, I know.

00:03:04.600 I know.

00:03:04.820 It's a virus.

00:03:05.880 I know.

00:03:06.460 It just is so natural.

00:03:07.780 And to hold it in feels like you're going to get ill.

00:03:11.360 If I have to hold an opinion about someone, I'm like, oh God, I think about it and I really

00:03:16.080 have to let it go.

00:03:16.780 I think it's also, you were right.

00:03:17.900 It's a little bit of, we probably have all a little OCD where the thought we have in our

00:03:22.040 head, we have to put it out.

00:03:23.520 That sounds like Tourette's.

00:03:24.900 More like Tourette's.

00:03:25.060 It is a Tourette's thing.

00:03:26.280 Yeah, something like that.

00:03:27.200 Yeah, because I found out I do have Tourette's.

00:03:29.560 Oh, really?

00:03:30.040 Yeah, because all mental illness is on a scale like autism.

00:03:33.780 Is that the excuse you used to just say the N word on this podcast?

00:03:37.280 No.

00:03:37.380 Pretty much.

00:03:37.900 I have a medical Tourette's.

00:03:40.460 My doctor says I can't help it.

00:03:42.640 No, but then there's the issue of knowing that you're taking your life in your hands.

00:03:47.960 Yeah.

00:03:48.220 So then you don't really have that severe a case of Tourette's.

00:03:53.340 Right.

00:03:53.960 However, I do, but I refuse to be triggered by the fascist fucking government that wants

00:04:02.940 to trigger me so they can take my life.

00:04:05.940 Hence, I keep my mental illness on the scale.

00:04:09.840 You see?

00:04:10.140 Yeah, you got to control your mental illness.

00:04:12.280 At being a comic.

00:04:13.400 Yeah.

00:04:13.700 Now, it's one thing to be a crazy bitch, but to be a crazy bitch and a comedian, that's

00:04:20.960 out of hand.

00:04:21.880 Oh, God.

00:04:22.820 I can't think of anything least attractive for a straight man.

00:04:26.120 It's a woman with a microphone who amplifies her own voice and has strong opinions.

00:04:32.300 It's so unattractive.

00:04:33.460 I'm so scared I'll never get married.

00:04:35.600 Never.

00:04:36.200 Never do.

00:04:37.280 Don't try it.

00:04:37.500 You got married like five times, Mom.

00:04:39.580 Huh?

00:04:39.900 Yeah, you did it.

00:04:40.880 Well, but that was before I was famous, though.

00:04:43.600 No.

00:04:44.220 Two of them were after.

00:04:44.860 I only had one child post-fame.

00:04:47.960 But you had two husbands.

00:04:48.660 Ironically, he's the most balanced.

00:04:51.180 That's interesting.

00:04:52.400 But that's because I created him in the test tube, which brings me to the night we met at

00:04:57.040 the comedy store.

00:04:58.080 Yes.

00:04:58.460 And I said, I don't know what brought it up, but we ended up...

00:05:04.220 I knew that I had known you.

00:05:07.160 I got the feeling like I knew you.

00:05:10.580 So I don't even remember.

00:05:13.760 I remember.

00:05:14.320 You asked me how old I was.

00:05:15.640 Uh-huh.

00:05:15.860 And we mentioned you...

00:05:16.900 And then you had your kids with you that night.

00:05:19.300 And then I think you asked if we had kids.

00:05:21.220 Do you guys have any kids?

00:05:22.380 And I said, no, I want some, but I need to freeze my eggs.

00:05:25.300 I can't afford them.

00:05:26.020 And I just straight up said, can I have one of yours?

00:05:27.920 Or you said, I have eggs.

00:05:29.080 I do have eggs.

00:05:30.300 I said, I have six on ice.

00:05:32.380 I said, that sounds like you only need five.

00:05:34.620 I'll take one.

00:05:35.840 Yeah.

00:05:36.320 You don't need six.

00:05:37.420 Yeah.

00:05:37.980 And I told you, you could have one of my fertilized eggs if you really wanted to have a child.

00:05:45.800 You could have one of my fertilized eggs.

00:05:48.840 And I might take her up on it.

00:05:50.140 The next podcast episode we're doing, we're implanting the egg inside of me.

00:05:55.120 So keep a lookout.

00:05:55.840 We used to do that back in the 70s.

00:05:59.040 All the lesbians in the collective I was in, I was in a woman's collective.

00:06:03.380 Wait, were you a lesbian at some point?

00:06:04.960 No, I was the housewife then.

00:06:06.920 They let straight women in then.

00:06:09.660 But we made the horrible mistake, the straight women, the mothers, we made the horrible mistake

00:06:14.880 and let more than two lesbians in and they took over.

00:06:19.220 Oh, yeah.

00:06:19.660 They're like rabbits.

00:06:21.460 They take over and push you out.

00:06:23.420 Yeah.

00:06:23.560 But then we were, we kind of had everybody, but they drove everybody out with their, you

00:06:31.480 know, what are they used to, that's where it all started, the politically correct horse

00:06:36.900 shit.

00:06:37.600 That's why I'm a comic.

00:06:39.020 It was always against that.

00:06:41.440 They told me, you can't tell your jokes.

00:06:44.680 Can you say the word lover instead of husband?

00:06:47.920 Yeah.

00:06:49.080 That's what they said to me when I was doing my act on stage.

00:06:52.780 Like I wasn't going through enough shit where no man would let me on any fucking stage.

00:06:57.660 You see what I'm saying?

00:06:58.980 Yeah.

00:06:59.240 But then the bitches that are supposed to be on my side go, can you not say husband?

00:07:04.380 Can you say lover?

00:07:05.760 Or we can't allow you stage time here.

00:07:08.340 I go, you fascist bitch.

00:07:10.320 You fucking just the same.

00:07:12.360 I'll say what I fucking want to say.

00:07:14.820 Oh God, it is, it is a blessing and a curse not to have a filter.

00:07:18.620 I, you know how many meetings I've been in with like, like big, you know, the networks

00:07:22.860 and stuff and I'll pitch something and they'll go like, oh, we're just like looking for something

00:07:27.240 more like with social justice.

00:07:29.100 And I go, oh, all right.

00:07:30.540 More unfunny TV.

00:07:31.800 I'll just say it.

00:07:32.900 I was like, there's already so many good things out.

00:07:35.140 Keep doing that.

00:07:35.900 That's working.

00:07:36.980 TV sucks.

00:07:38.020 Have you seen TV?

00:07:39.160 That's horrible.

00:07:39.720 There is nothing good.

00:07:41.100 I can't watch the shows anymore.

00:07:43.040 It's like, I, I, I don't really give a fuck what people do personally with their own lives.

00:07:48.780 I, and it's not even like, I'm trying to be like, I don't care what people do.

00:07:51.940 Be you.

00:07:52.540 I could care if you live or die.

00:07:54.480 Like I don't give a fuck.

00:07:56.040 So I don't care what people do, but like to push, to push the shit so far to where it

00:08:01.380 feels unnatural and forced.

00:08:04.480 It's like, it's making for bad TV.

00:08:06.020 We don't need like two, uh, two lesbian cops, one black, one white named the fosters who

00:08:12.680 are fostering children.

00:08:14.080 And like, like, and one of them is trans and the other one's dating like a drag queen.

00:08:19.160 Like we don't need the episode to be like that.

00:08:21.500 It could be a little bit of everything.

00:08:23.160 Yeah.

00:08:23.580 We could, we could put, throw it in like a seasoning every once in a while.

00:08:28.180 Right.

00:08:28.840 I agree.

00:08:29.560 People deserve to have freaky trans sex if they want to, but like, let's not oversaturate

00:08:34.000 the market with anything.

00:08:35.700 It's just all about the outraged television by the outraged.

00:08:41.000 People overcompensate with every opinion they have.

00:08:44.440 If you just like were just chill, add your opinion and just kind of didn't care, we'd

00:08:48.220 all be fine.

00:08:49.040 Yeah.

00:08:49.260 But everybody is like, this is the thing and it's only that.

00:08:52.080 Right.

00:08:52.720 And so I'm like, who cares?

00:08:54.280 It's the lesbians.

00:08:55.540 I'm telling you.

00:08:56.360 It's nothing, but they don't think nothing's funny.

00:08:59.680 My sister's a fucking lesbian.

00:09:01.900 Mine too.

00:09:02.800 Is she?

00:09:03.460 Yeah.

00:09:03.800 They don't hardly think nothing's funny.

00:09:07.960 They're known for not having a sense of humor.

00:09:09.920 They're against humor.

00:09:10.120 You're not the first to say that.

00:09:11.500 Some of them are still my fans and they come up and they say, thank God for you, Roseanne,

00:09:17.260 because I'm never going to go with a mother kind.

00:09:20.620 You know, we understand humor and freedom of speech.

00:09:24.240 Yeah.

00:09:24.560 We're not fucking Nazis like them.

00:09:27.160 Yeah.

00:09:27.520 And you look at them and they all look like, what's her name with the pink hair?

00:09:31.200 It looks like a fucking Nazi.

00:09:32.880 Oh, yeah.

00:09:33.700 With pink hair and a pussy hat.

00:09:36.360 And my daughter, the pussy hat thing.

00:09:39.140 Oh, this is the best joke I ever wrote.

00:09:42.040 Tell me.

00:09:42.620 Okay.

00:09:43.200 Okay.

00:09:44.300 Oh, my God.

00:09:45.160 I go, looking back when y'all were in the street with them pussy hats, little dad, you all fucking were transphobic because not every woman has a pussy.

00:10:01.780 Pussy, you transphobic bitching.

00:10:05.060 Right?

00:10:05.500 Yeah.

00:10:05.940 Am I right?

00:10:06.640 It should have been pussy dick hats.

00:10:08.020 You're right.

00:10:09.080 There was nobody walking around with a big old dick on their head.

00:10:12.680 No one.

00:10:13.260 Except me.

00:10:13.900 And I did that video years ago where I actually got one of those rubber dicks that they wear.

00:10:22.660 I filmed that.

00:10:23.860 Yeah.

00:10:24.380 Yeah.

00:10:24.560 This is the most traumatizing.

00:10:25.500 She's a lesbian.

00:10:26.020 All her friends are lesbians.

00:10:28.020 So quite a few of them have appendages.

00:10:31.780 It's no fucking big deal.

00:10:34.280 What do you mean?

00:10:35.180 Huh?

00:10:35.300 Oh, you mean like sex toy appendages?

00:10:37.500 Are you talking like...

00:10:38.300 Trans men.

00:10:39.620 Oh, yeah.

00:10:39.800 It's no fucking big deal.

00:10:41.120 Half of my rabbis up there in Marin County.

00:10:44.840 So do you feel like out of like all the people that are comedy fans, lesbians get the most offended?

00:10:50.800 Yes.

00:10:51.720 Yes.

00:10:52.200 They are the hardest to make laugh unless they're drunk.

00:10:55.700 But when they're drunk, they are the best audience.

00:10:59.600 And that is why I charge them so much.

00:11:03.020 I think it's white women that are the worst.

00:11:05.360 White women right now are the worst.

00:11:08.080 The Karens?

00:11:08.460 The Karens.

00:11:09.300 White women are the worst.

00:11:09.920 For me, my worst audiences have always been like when I do shows at like Soho houses.

00:11:14.000 Yeah.

00:11:15.040 You know, like those shows, like really rich young elites.

00:11:19.980 Ugh.

00:11:21.100 Disgusting.

00:11:21.660 They are.

00:11:22.080 They're horrible.

00:11:22.360 They'll come up to you after a show and be like, I really liked your set, but I just

00:11:25.940 have a quick note.

00:11:27.180 Oh, no.

00:11:28.620 Are you talking about women?

00:11:30.200 Yeah.

00:11:30.780 Yeah.

00:11:31.260 And I was like, get out of my fucking face.

00:11:34.720 Like, what are you talking about?

00:11:36.580 What are the notes like?

00:11:37.680 Is it like the same note?

00:11:38.660 I won't even hear them.

00:11:39.660 I'm like, stop talking to me immediately.

00:11:41.780 I don't want one note.

00:11:43.060 Isn't it crazy?

00:11:44.060 Yeah.

00:11:44.880 It's crazy.

00:11:45.960 I don't want a note from you.

00:11:47.040 You've never had a job.

00:11:48.900 Yeah.

00:11:49.360 Well, that's why.

00:11:50.260 That's why they're so bored.

00:11:51.660 This is the shit they come up with because they're not working.

00:11:53.780 Yeah.

00:11:54.140 That's what it is.

00:11:54.880 Can we just go back to the egg thing?

00:11:56.580 Because I think you guys brushed over.

00:11:57.620 It's also what we said.

00:11:58.620 This is a big deal.

00:11:59.040 It's also what we said.

00:11:59.440 Yeah.

00:11:59.620 It's bitch on bitch crime.

00:12:01.880 It is bitch on bitch crime, which is why I like that we united and you're giving me

00:12:05.860 one of your eggs.

00:12:06.480 This is really happening.

00:12:07.000 That's women empowerment.

00:12:08.220 Yeah.

00:12:08.360 That's right.

00:12:08.720 That's women empowerment.

00:12:09.920 I'm going to-

00:12:10.220 You guys are really doing this, right?

00:12:11.640 I want to have Roseanne's baby.

00:12:12.760 Are you really into this?

00:12:13.660 Because I'm being serious.

00:12:14.840 I don't think it's a joke.

00:12:15.660 I'm kind of into the thought of-

00:12:17.540 Well, she would nurture the-

00:12:20.040 You know, because I went to a lot of expense to create those-

00:12:24.280 Let's do a contract.

00:12:25.040 And I'm Puerto Rican, so I would just love a free egg.

00:12:30.540 You know it's fertilized, though.

00:12:32.080 You didn't know that when you got here.

00:12:33.080 I didn't know it came with cum on it.

00:12:34.580 Yeah.

00:12:34.940 It's pre-cum.

00:12:35.600 It's already a human.

00:12:37.100 Yeah.

00:12:37.920 Is it STD tested?

00:12:39.380 Yeah.

00:12:39.680 Yeah.

00:12:39.960 It's all tested.

00:12:40.560 It's all fine.

00:12:41.100 That's why I introduced you to my son, because they're his siblings.

00:12:43.980 It's going to be his brother.

00:12:45.500 It'll look just like him.

00:12:46.440 Yeah.

00:12:46.780 Or sister.

00:12:47.540 Yeah.

00:12:47.880 Whatever.

00:12:48.600 Are you still into it there?

00:12:49.660 I'm still into it.

00:12:50.760 Yeah, he's cute.

00:12:51.760 He's really cute.

00:12:52.360 No, he's very cute.

00:12:53.200 But did you want-

00:12:54.080 You wanted to meet a man and have a kid with a man?

00:12:55.820 Because he's half Norwegian.

00:12:57.940 I was wanting to meet a man for the-

00:13:00.720 The cum.

00:13:01.340 Yeah.

00:13:01.700 Yeah.

00:13:01.880 But what's the father?

00:13:04.140 What are the genetics here?

00:13:05.860 Okay, Norwegian.

00:13:06.980 Yeah.

00:13:07.160 I don't really know what that is.

00:13:09.460 Switzerland, you're there?

00:13:11.220 His IQ is probably 85.

00:13:12.660 Norway, Finland.

00:13:14.000 It's in the high 80s.

00:13:14.960 Yeah, yeah.

00:13:15.600 White.

00:13:15.760 They were called the Enfants in the Russian Revolution.

00:13:19.660 They called them the Enfants.

00:13:21.640 Okay.

00:13:22.060 Which meant the soldiers.

00:13:23.740 Okay.

00:13:23.960 Because they used them because they were fierce.

00:13:26.780 Yeah.

00:13:27.440 Battle goers.

00:13:29.000 Okay.

00:13:29.260 So that's why I biologically engineered my son to be that because the other half of them

00:13:35.380 is Jewish and, you know, that's all mental with a withered body and aching joints.

00:13:40.180 Ancestral trauma.

00:13:41.480 Yeah.

00:13:42.060 I mean, I don't know.

00:13:43.060 Just aching and groaning and schlepping.

00:13:45.500 Whining.

00:13:46.100 So I wanted him to-

00:13:47.260 Balance it.

00:13:47.660 Yeah.

00:13:47.940 I wanted a human that didn't have all the shit and it was-

00:13:53.740 You wanted him rich but strong.

00:13:55.840 Yeah.

00:13:56.400 I wanted him mentally fit.

00:13:59.700 Yeah.

00:14:00.740 In every way.

00:14:01.880 Like, what would it be like?

00:14:03.780 I have no idea.

00:14:04.860 You know?

00:14:05.420 Yeah.

00:14:06.120 So, okay.

00:14:07.180 So there's that.

00:14:08.440 He's my genius creation.

00:14:10.420 That's beautiful.

00:14:11.580 And he's like MMA fighting fucking bad, ugly motherfucker.

00:14:17.340 You know?

00:14:17.660 Like, I seen his dad.

00:14:19.380 Here's why I bred with him.

00:14:21.200 Because his dad used to be my bodyguard.

00:14:23.460 One time I seen him go down the hallway ahead of me.

00:14:26.440 We were drunk.

00:14:27.560 He did two flips in the air, came down, and then turned around and kicked the door in backward.

00:14:34.660 Yeah.

00:14:34.860 That would have got me pregnant.

00:14:36.480 Yeah.

00:14:37.000 That would have done it.

00:14:38.140 Right?

00:14:38.580 Yeah.

00:14:39.400 Yeah.

00:14:39.700 That's impressive.

00:14:40.300 So that's in the egg, plus all this shit going through stand-up comedy for 40 fucking years

00:14:47.640 of torture.

00:14:49.420 Yeah.

00:14:50.260 But it'll have none of your genetic coding.

00:14:52.160 That's fine.

00:14:52.760 I'm wondering.

00:14:53.400 But she'll be the nurture.

00:14:55.400 Yeah.

00:14:56.120 I'm even wondering.

00:14:57.020 Nurture or nature.

00:14:58.140 So it'll be nature nurtured by.

00:15:02.380 And how I would describe you is Iconoclosta.

00:15:11.440 Iconoclosti.

00:15:12.000 What does that mean?

00:15:13.340 What does that mean?

00:15:13.960 I don't know.

00:15:14.120 It means you are a supreme iconoclast, which means a deep, deep thinker that can hold two

00:15:22.080 disparate opinions in your mind at one time.

00:15:25.140 It's brilliant.

00:15:27.200 And that's why I just love you.

00:15:30.200 And you're a genius because tell about how you did your special all on your own.

00:15:36.940 Talk about you didn't wait for anybody coming and saying you.

00:15:41.940 Yeah.

00:15:42.360 I am.

00:15:43.020 I mean, normally I think you sell, you do deals and then you sell the special and then you film

00:15:47.200 it.

00:15:47.400 But I just, I hooked up with this place called Jam in the Van.

00:15:50.600 They do really great content, have the best cameras.

00:15:52.900 And we, I went up to them.

00:15:54.420 I was like, this would be a great place to do a special.

00:15:56.380 We should work together.

00:15:57.860 And I filmed it myself.

00:15:58.960 I did it like exactly how they film the specials and I have it all cut up and then I'm just

00:16:03.560 going to bring that to people.

00:16:04.840 Cause I feel like it's easier to show people what you already have than to give them this

00:16:09.280 idea.

00:16:09.740 Cause every, if I waited on people's ideas, also if I waited on people's ideas, they would

00:16:15.620 never happen.

00:16:16.420 I have people that are like, Hey, don't work on this show.

00:16:18.300 Cause I have a better idea for you.

00:16:19.640 And I've been like cool and still worked on the show and don't hear for them for three

00:16:23.700 years.

00:16:24.100 I'm like, I would have been waiting for you.

00:16:25.840 And then they stole everything you told them.

00:16:28.060 Exactly.

00:16:28.760 And they got 15 sitcoms off it.

00:16:31.040 Everyone's a liar and a thief, including me.

00:16:33.500 This is your wallet.

00:16:34.480 No, I'm just kidding.

00:16:35.440 So you've already filmed the special.

00:16:37.380 That's what you did this last week.

00:16:38.120 I did it two nights ago.

00:16:39.200 How did it go?

00:16:39.640 Now she's going to own her shit and she's going to sell her own shit.

00:16:44.520 Yeah.

00:16:44.760 Yeah.

00:16:45.100 That's great.

00:16:45.700 Yeah.

00:16:45.940 How did it go?

00:16:46.480 That's the way to go.

00:16:47.520 Awesome.

00:16:48.020 It was so fun.

00:16:48.660 It's called childless milf and hoping that it'll be somewhere around Valentine's

00:16:52.720 day.

00:16:53.220 Okay.

00:16:54.260 Childless milf is a very paradoxical childless milf.

00:17:00.700 Jake.

00:17:01.220 Yeah.

00:17:01.800 I mean, she's a childless milf.

00:17:04.420 Milf, you don't have to be a mom.

00:17:05.820 You just have to be over 30.

00:17:06.960 Yeah.

00:17:07.260 That's how it is in the porn categories.

00:17:08.440 I was trying to explain this to her earlier.

00:17:09.960 Yeah.

00:17:10.680 I wanted you to say what you were telling me about.

00:17:12.900 No, it's not just me.

00:17:13.680 I mean, this is just the way it is.

00:17:14.740 If you're, how old are you?

00:17:15.740 I'm 33.

00:17:16.500 So in porn, I think when you turn like 24, you're a milf.

00:17:19.080 It's 25.

00:17:19.460 Which is sad.

00:17:20.120 Yeah.

00:17:20.440 It's what?

00:17:20.980 21?

00:17:21.180 It's like 28.

00:17:22.140 My friend Mercedes Carrera is a porn star and she was making porn.

00:17:25.400 And then one day she was in the milf category and she's like, oh, it must be 28.

00:17:29.280 I must be 28 now.

00:17:30.340 And that's what she is.

00:17:30.740 It's like when you're, when you die at 27, you're a legend, but when you're in porn at

00:17:35.000 28, you're just a milf.

00:17:36.140 You're just a milf.

00:17:36.900 Yeah.

00:17:37.500 You're a stepmom.

00:17:38.580 Yeah.

00:17:39.240 Well, it is over the hill for, you know, for the, uh, I guess for the porn industry.

00:17:45.740 It is.

00:17:46.100 Yeah.

00:17:46.340 The younger, the better, I guess.

00:17:47.560 But I think people look younger now than they ever have before.

00:17:50.500 You ever see like high schoolers in like the 1930s?

00:17:52.960 Yeah, they're in their 40s.

00:17:53.780 Are you 85 years old?

00:17:54.700 Yeah, they did look old.

00:17:55.820 They looked old as fuck.

00:17:57.000 I don't know what's going on, but it was disgusting.

00:17:59.820 Yeah, they did look old.

00:18:00.940 Well, people died earlier.

00:18:03.800 You aged.

00:18:04.460 I think they aged faster.

00:18:06.360 Yeah, that's true.

00:18:07.900 Like you got, if you was 30 and not married, you was old maid.

00:18:10.800 Yeah.

00:18:11.200 Yeah.

00:18:11.480 You were a spinster at this age.

00:18:13.340 Is that what they called it?

00:18:14.160 A spinster?

00:18:14.560 You would be a spinster back in the day.

00:18:16.220 Yeah.

00:18:16.460 33 and not married with kids.

00:18:17.800 Yeah.

00:18:17.940 But I'm glad you're not married because if you were married, you wouldn't be doing stand

00:18:22.160 up.

00:18:22.440 Am I right?

00:18:23.080 No.

00:18:23.460 And I am like, I kind of don't even really like who I become when I'm in a relationship.

00:18:26.960 I am like, I get so obsessed with my boyfriends and I want to spend all my time with

00:18:31.640 them and like work doesn't matter.

00:18:33.420 I'm like a lover.

00:18:34.260 So if I'm in love, I'm like fully in and it's really bad for work, which is why I'm

00:18:39.020 either going to be funny or end alone.

00:18:41.780 Funny or die.

00:18:42.520 Yeah.

00:18:42.820 Or not funny with someone.

00:18:44.080 Those are the choices it feels like.

00:18:46.460 So isn't it part of the whole crazy to be?

00:18:50.020 It's also CD almost.

00:18:51.480 Yeah, it is OCD.

00:18:51.900 Like your relationships are obsessive compulsive.

00:18:53.920 But then when you want to, here's the bad part.

00:18:55.980 When you start wanting to tell jokes again, you deliberately sabotage that relationship to get

00:19:02.020 rid of that.

00:19:03.220 Absolutely.

00:19:04.040 Isn't that sad?

00:19:05.000 It is sad.

00:19:06.040 There's like a.

00:19:07.020 But it's almost a you have to tell the jokes again.

00:19:09.680 And it's almost like a panic.

00:19:10.880 Like if you don't leave in the next two days, stand up is done forever.

00:19:14.020 Like you have to go.

00:19:15.400 It's like crazy.

00:19:16.400 When you feel like you have to do stand up, you have to do it quick.

00:19:19.120 Or like I start panicking like internally.

00:19:21.600 I get like very anxious and I don't know.

00:19:25.140 What is it?

00:19:26.000 I don't know.

00:19:27.260 God, I don't know.

00:19:29.460 It's all of us have it too, huh?

00:19:31.320 Yeah.

00:19:31.640 And the thing that makes me really sad.

00:19:33.700 Is it the hearing the laughter?

00:19:35.740 What is it?

00:19:38.260 I don't know.

00:19:40.400 Whenever you're on stage and you're riffing and you think of something, doesn't it feel

00:19:45.400 like it pops out of the air and like, like it just pops right.

00:19:50.040 Like you didn't think of it.

00:19:51.380 Yeah.

00:19:51.800 It wasn't from you.

00:19:53.060 Yeah.

00:19:53.300 It literally is.

00:19:53.980 I think it comes from God.

00:19:54.660 Me too.

00:19:55.000 The hotline of God they call.

00:19:55.820 Which is, which is, I like because I've thought of some sick shit.

00:20:00.100 Yeah.

00:20:00.220 I'm like, God's kind of funny.

00:20:01.600 God's the funniest comic of all.

00:20:03.600 Yeah, he is.

00:20:04.360 And he goes, okay, try topping this.

00:20:07.080 Oh my God.

00:20:07.980 The best.

00:20:08.920 I remember me and my podcast partner like six months ago, we were at the airport and we ran

00:20:13.020 into another comedian who's like pretty much like, you know, blown up on YouTube and, and

00:20:18.700 has a lot of following and he sat down in front of us and he was talking to us and someone

00:20:22.780 came up and was like, Hey, are you whatever to him and asked him for a picture while we

00:20:26.980 were sitting there.

00:20:28.220 And then we already kind of felt like dang about it.

00:20:31.360 And then when they walked away, I got a notification on my phone and it popped up and it was a payment

00:20:36.380 plan for the flight I bought right when he got recognized.

00:20:40.120 It was like, you pay, you owe the second part of your payment plan for your $200 flight.

00:20:44.900 And my friend looked at my phone and she went, God's a comedian.

00:20:48.100 Like he just shit on me.

00:20:50.080 My friend got recognized and then my payment plan for the flight I couldn't afford came in.

00:20:54.360 And it is just so, his timing is impeccable.

00:20:58.800 Impeccable.

00:20:59.200 That's incredible that you would, that you would know it too.

00:21:02.960 Yeah.

00:21:04.020 The, like the depression that I have.

00:21:06.920 Like, do you, like my depression, cause I have it.

00:21:11.740 Do you have it?

00:21:12.640 Um, I get depressed.

00:21:13.960 I don't get into full seasons of depression or like weeks at a time.

00:21:17.380 It's like a wave for you.

00:21:18.500 Yeah.

00:21:18.880 That's me too.

00:21:19.500 You'll stay sometimes for a while.

00:21:21.540 Yeah.

00:21:21.820 Yeah.

00:21:22.180 Uh, but then like I get the message from God that goes, you idiot, can't you see the perfect

00:21:31.360 world I've created for you?

00:21:33.260 The jokes just write themselves.

00:21:35.320 All you have to do is open your eyes and see it.

00:21:39.020 Just stand up and open your mouth.

00:21:41.180 He's like, I'm making it easy.

00:21:42.780 It's also fucking absurd, isn't it?

00:21:45.080 It is.

00:21:45.640 Are you scared at all?

00:21:47.460 I mean, yes and no.

00:21:49.760 I'm like, um, I'm with stand up now.

00:21:52.580 I kind of, I have reached this place just in the last like year or so where I almost don't

00:21:56.700 care what happens anymore.

00:21:58.440 To you, you mean?

00:21:59.620 To me, not like safety wise.

00:22:01.460 I just am like with my career, I'm like, what the fuck ever?

00:22:05.580 Whatever happens is going to happen.

00:22:07.200 That's how I feel.

00:22:08.080 We're all going to be fucking toasty.

00:22:09.500 We're all dying.

00:22:10.720 Like there's like wars and famine and like the solar flares and the aliens and like,

00:22:16.460 why do I give a shot?

00:22:18.100 Why do I care if I got just for laughs?

00:22:19.940 Yeah.

00:22:20.160 Truly.

00:22:21.340 Who gives a shit?

00:22:22.520 That's what I thought.

00:22:23.320 Have you ever been, have you ever seen these festivals, these networks put?

00:22:27.260 It's fucking five comedy, dead comedy rooms, a fucking salami bar for the comics and you

00:22:33.780 do a 10 minute set and no one says anything to you.

00:22:36.780 A couple people come up and go, great set and you never hear from them again.

00:22:40.360 It sucks.

00:22:41.100 Nothing's real.

00:22:41.800 People are just putting things together so they feel like they have a worthy life.

00:22:46.300 People are overdoing everything so they feel worthy instead of just finding the thing

00:22:50.320 they like.

00:22:51.100 Right.

00:22:51.560 And then they're oversaturating the world with bullshit.

00:22:54.960 Yeah.

00:22:55.520 Because they're scared to be themselves.

00:22:57.460 Well, do you think it's just that people just aren't generating anything creative?

00:23:02.360 People are not authentic.

00:23:03.960 That's right.

00:23:04.760 It's the biggest mistake.

00:23:05.880 People say what they think everybody wants them to hear instead of just saying how they

00:23:09.980 feel.

00:23:10.340 They're cowards.

00:23:10.920 They're scared.

00:23:11.780 Yeah.

00:23:12.140 Well, I don't blame them, man.

00:23:14.560 I don't blame them.

00:23:15.360 No, I get it.

00:23:15.900 They'll come for you.

00:23:16.700 It's a thing.

00:23:17.660 Oh my God.

00:23:18.400 But I'm like, I'm a glutton for punishment.

00:23:20.240 So I'm like, come for me.

00:23:21.540 I don't know.

00:23:22.440 Can I ask you guys a question since you-

00:23:23.960 Of course.

00:23:24.660 You're a female standup comedian and you did it.

00:23:27.020 I am?

00:23:27.540 Yes, you were.

00:23:28.380 I used to be.

00:23:29.000 In the 80s and you're doing it now.

00:23:30.740 Can we talk about the differences or the similarities?

00:23:33.080 I would love to know.

00:23:34.100 Oh yeah.

00:23:34.500 I would love to know.

00:23:35.560 I mean, for me, people say that it's tough being a woman in comedy, but my personal opinion

00:23:39.960 is if you're funny, it's a little easier.

00:23:42.100 Yeah.

00:23:42.460 There's not, if you're really funny and because now it's probably different in your day, but

00:23:46.740 now people have the pressure to put women on the lineup.

00:23:48.800 So they have to.

00:23:49.840 Yeah.

00:23:50.140 Yeah.

00:23:50.440 Do they do that?

00:23:50.960 So if you're funny, it's easy to get up there.

00:23:51.580 Are they overt about that?

00:23:52.680 Yeah.

00:23:53.020 They, people are like, I mean-

00:23:54.820 They want to see women.

00:23:56.200 Yeah.

00:23:56.320 They want to see women.

00:23:57.200 Yeah.

00:23:57.420 And so it's, women have been scared off.

00:24:00.060 There's not that many of them.

00:24:01.220 They're just like scared to even try stand up, I think.

00:24:03.680 Yeah.

00:24:04.300 I would think it's easier today as a woman to do, to break into comedy.

00:24:08.500 I would think.

00:24:08.880 For me, it was really easy.

00:24:09.720 Yeah.

00:24:10.160 That's cool to hear.

00:24:10.680 You know, it's been a long journey and it was like me sleeping on the floor and being

00:24:14.460 broke and crying.

00:24:15.260 It's not easy in a sense, but like-

00:24:16.940 Every comic goes through that.

00:24:18.340 Yeah.

00:24:18.780 It's like the same grind that people have for any dream that they have.

00:24:22.200 It's not anything special I'm doing.

00:24:23.980 I've just found my talent and then I worked.

00:24:26.320 Right.

00:24:26.720 And I think everyone has their own weird thing.

00:24:28.440 I told my sister, I'm like, if you like fucking gluing seashells to your face, you better

00:24:31.980 get on YouTube and be the funniest seashell gluer and just do that.

00:24:35.360 Do it better than anybody else.

00:24:36.760 Yes.

00:24:37.200 Yeah.

00:24:37.520 I'm like just-

00:24:37.980 You've got no excuse anymore.

00:24:39.120 You had a hard time though.

00:24:40.860 You always talk about it in the early 80s when you started as a woman.

00:24:45.040 Yeah, it must have been different then.

00:24:46.060 There weren't really many women doing it.

00:24:47.580 It was you and what?

00:24:48.580 Paula Poundstone basically?

00:24:49.760 No, Paula came way later.

00:24:51.320 Oh, she did?

00:24:51.920 Who was doing it when you started?

00:24:53.820 Well, I started in 1980.

00:24:56.580 Betty Boop.

00:24:58.080 She and Betty Boop.

00:25:00.580 Phyllis Diller.

00:25:01.420 I mean, there already had been Joan Rivers, Phyllis Diller.

00:25:04.200 You know, there have been so many.

00:25:05.560 And of course, the greatest Mae West.

00:25:07.980 Yeah.

00:25:08.220 She busted everybody's balls.

00:25:09.760 But they did stand-up, but the stand-up era, most people think is like the 80s.

00:25:13.540 You know, oh my God, I'm going to forget everybody's name that I should remember.

00:25:18.460 Elaine Boosler.

00:25:19.660 Yeah.

00:25:19.840 There was just a lot of good names.

00:25:22.120 Lily Tomlin.

00:25:23.520 There was a lot, you know.

00:25:24.760 Carol Burnett.

00:25:25.740 I just can't remember everybody great that I was one of.

00:25:31.880 So many of it wasn't that hard.

00:25:33.140 But Marlo Thomas.

00:25:37.320 But was it hard?

00:25:38.460 I'm asking like, did you have a hard time breaking in or?

00:25:41.480 How did you start?

00:25:42.500 Yeah.

00:25:42.760 How'd you even start?

00:25:43.600 What was the?

00:25:44.600 Oh.

00:25:44.820 She's a younger comic.

00:25:46.860 Give her some.

00:25:47.820 Well, yeah, it was holy hells on earth.

00:25:51.200 It was?

00:25:51.740 It was fucking hells on earth.

00:25:54.300 But I was young and pissed.

00:25:59.480 Yeah.

00:25:59.700 You know, I was pissed because it was right there coming not too far out of the 60s where

00:26:08.840 I still had marched and my friends and I mean, we fought and we still believed and we saw

00:26:17.300 the whole Vietnam thing and we still believed.

00:26:22.320 And then, you know, Reagan and like, what the?

00:26:25.300 And then the social safety net gets cut and we just lived through all of it, you know?

00:26:32.180 Did you start?

00:26:33.180 So in 1980, when they put Reagan, I was pretty left.

00:26:38.260 Yeah.

00:26:38.880 And I was like going, oh, Christ, this is a slide, a real slide to a real.

00:26:48.420 Hurt people.

00:26:49.940 Yeah.

00:26:50.360 Put people on the street.

00:26:51.040 I think.

00:26:51.620 Mm-hmm.

00:26:53.100 So I was like, fucking, I got to get out there.

00:26:57.060 And I didn't want to.

00:26:59.700 It was crazy.

00:27:00.980 I don't even know where it starts.

00:27:03.240 Who wants to hear any of this shit?

00:27:04.900 I do.

00:27:05.480 Everybody.

00:27:05.740 I'm very curious.

00:27:06.460 Okay.

00:27:06.600 I was at the time I was in this woman's group, you know?

00:27:11.260 It was a cult.

00:27:11.540 The lesbians.

00:27:11.940 With the lesbians.

00:27:12.500 Well, before it was all lesbian.

00:27:14.860 Okay.

00:27:15.140 When it was just basically kind of Jewish and black and, you know, it was just moms of

00:27:23.540 mixed moms, you know?

00:27:27.700 You already had kids when you started stand-up?

00:27:29.680 Mm-hmm.

00:27:30.340 Yeah.

00:27:30.940 Wow.

00:27:31.640 She had three.

00:27:32.680 Four.

00:27:33.260 What?

00:27:34.200 Are you serious?

00:27:35.220 Yeah, I was born in 78.

00:27:36.280 She started in 1980.

00:27:37.720 I was two.

00:27:38.680 That is crazy.

00:27:39.020 She was really a housewife when she was doing that.

00:27:40.800 Like, my dad worked at the post office.

00:27:42.000 She was an actual housewife that would go Saturday night or Friday night and do stand-up.

00:27:46.800 How long were you doing stand-up before you got the show?

00:27:49.480 The show?

00:27:50.740 Well, it was four years until she got The Tonight Show, I believe.

00:27:54.140 No.

00:27:54.620 You tell it.

00:27:55.120 I'll tell the whole thing.

00:27:56.020 Thank you.

00:27:56.220 I started stand-up in 1980.

00:27:58.400 Okay.

00:27:59.760 And then I started doing gigs around the place.

00:28:06.380 And then, like, 85, I came to California.

00:28:13.700 Mm-hmm.

00:28:14.480 And 86, I got on TV.

00:28:17.800 Six years.

00:28:18.240 Okay.

00:28:18.500 And then 88, I got my show.

00:28:22.320 Wow.

00:28:23.240 So, it was eight years total.

00:28:24.920 Wow.

00:28:25.720 Yeah.

00:28:26.320 From Jump Street to eight, you know?

00:28:29.020 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:28:29.820 A lot of it was overnight, because once I came to LA, it was like I was on stage, and

00:28:35.800 the Tonight Show guy saw me, put me on.

00:28:39.120 I was on with Julio Iglesias, who took me out for 18 weeks to open for him.

00:28:46.600 That got me my sitcom.

00:28:48.300 It was like one after the other.

00:28:50.480 It was a God thing, God-given blessing thing.

00:28:54.580 You really have to be, like, equal parts talented and lucky.

00:29:01.320 Yeah.

00:29:01.720 Well, I think you can adjust your luck and kind of make it favor you by, like, the places

00:29:07.280 you are and the situations you put yourself in.

00:29:09.080 But I've noticed a lot of my breaks, I've been like, I was just here this night.

00:29:13.420 I was just here.

00:29:14.420 But if I didn't show up, it wouldn't happen.

00:29:16.520 So, that is part of the hard work.

00:29:17.900 But just to be, my very first night of stand-up, I popped into the belly room, and Tony had

00:29:23.220 just, I just started this show called Kill Tony.

00:29:25.180 It was three episodes in, I think.

00:29:27.120 And then I became a regular on that show.

00:29:28.860 And I'm like, if I didn't even, if I didn't have the weird feeling to go up stickers, that

00:29:33.560 I'd never been up there before.

00:29:36.060 Your first stand-up was on Kill Tony?

00:29:37.660 My very first night of stand-up, I got pulled for potluck at the comedy store in the OR.

00:29:42.660 And I was so hyped.

00:29:43.860 I had a great set.

00:29:44.900 It was three minutes.

00:29:45.500 I got like two laughs, and I was like, this is the best.

00:29:49.300 That was the best.

00:29:50.360 And then someone said, there's another show upstairs if you want to go watch.

00:29:53.300 And it was Kill Tony.

00:29:54.760 And then Tony was like, you can actually sign up for it and go up again.

00:29:58.440 So, the very first night I did stand-up, I went up twice at the comedy store.

00:30:02.360 It was awesome.

00:30:02.680 Oh, I'll tell you that story.

00:30:04.520 I went to the comedy store because everybody came to Denver that we had a club there, the

00:30:10.440 comedy shop or works.

00:30:12.400 And they said, you got to go to the comedy store in LA and let Mitzi sure see you, you

00:30:18.660 know.

00:30:19.240 So, okay, it was Monday night, amateur night.

00:30:24.580 Everybody told me go.

00:30:25.960 Sam Kennison, Louie Anderson, Alan Steven, everybody who came through Denver, they knew I was coming

00:30:33.840 and they would show up for me, you know, and they came to see me audition for Mitzi.

00:30:40.300 And I knew they were there and it was cool, my friends, you know.

00:30:45.080 It's crazy to think that this was before flyers or computers.

00:30:48.060 Like, people were just calling, like, Roseanne's coming in.

00:30:49.680 That's what I wanted.

00:30:50.660 Yeah, it was before.

00:30:51.500 Crazy.

00:30:52.320 And it was all word of mouth, you know, comics to comics.

00:30:56.100 And I knew it was, you know.

00:30:57.380 Yeah, no website, just the sign outside the comics.

00:30:59.120 Just the lights in the air.

00:31:00.640 Yeah, and all the comics were there then.

00:31:02.980 Everybody was outside, they all came in.

00:31:05.460 And I knew it and I went up and I knew.

00:31:10.000 It's beyond anything you can ever explain to anybody, but I knew it.

00:31:18.960 Yeah.

00:31:19.080 I knew I, like Blair White said, because I knew I was it.

00:31:25.020 I knew I had it.

00:31:27.240 I knew I would be it.

00:31:29.520 And I knew I am it.

00:31:34.420 And it was all there.

00:31:37.420 Hey, guys, look it.

00:31:38.740 Introducing the Performance Package 5.0 Ultra from Manscaped.

00:31:44.560 The ultimate grooming bundle designed to treat your big hairy balls.

00:31:50.100 Look it.

00:31:50.620 You get your crop preserver.

00:31:53.840 Yeah.

00:31:54.160 And your Manscaped crop soother.

00:31:57.860 Yeah.

00:31:58.160 I guess that's like pre-shaven, after-shaven type thing.

00:32:01.020 Exactly.

00:32:01.480 So you get these two different kind of razors for it.

00:32:05.900 I tried shaving my arms with this and it really did work.

00:32:08.900 It does work.

00:32:09.580 And this one is, I don't know.

00:32:11.160 That's a nose one.

00:32:12.120 Yeah.

00:32:12.300 Oh, this is for your nose and your ears.

00:32:13.280 This one's good.

00:32:13.920 I have this one.

00:32:14.460 That's called the Weed Whacker.

00:32:15.960 Yes, I have this one.

00:32:16.520 That's the Weed Whacker 2.0 for your nose hair.

00:32:19.060 For your nose?

00:32:19.480 Yeah, stick it right in there.

00:32:20.680 Oh, do it.

00:32:21.100 You'll hear the sound of it chopping your hair.

00:32:22.560 Yeah.

00:32:22.900 Is it weird?

00:32:23.340 Put it in your ears.

00:32:23.640 Put it in the mic.

00:32:24.400 Do it.

00:32:24.620 No, you'll hear it.

00:32:25.940 Yeah, do it.

00:32:26.600 It's satisfying.

00:32:28.400 Do it.

00:32:29.700 You've got to turn it on.

00:32:30.400 I'm going to scare myself.

00:32:32.260 Turn it on.

00:32:32.920 No, I'm too scared.

00:32:33.560 Do it, do it, do it, do it.

00:32:34.340 No, I'm too scared.

00:32:35.200 Tim, will you do it?

00:32:37.480 I'm too scared.

00:32:38.260 Do it, do it, do it.

00:32:38.920 Oh, my God.

00:32:40.440 It sounds good.

00:32:43.040 Oh.

00:32:44.160 Oh, it's weird.

00:32:45.140 No, let me get that.

00:32:45.800 I want to sell it on eBay.

00:32:46.520 It's like a shop.

00:32:47.240 You want your guy to be groomed, right?

00:32:51.600 You have to do it.

00:32:52.540 Christ, you have to get your nails done, your butt waxed, and all that other crap.

00:32:58.280 Not that I do.

00:32:59.120 That's why I'm man free.

00:33:00.400 Yeah, you shave your butt.

00:33:01.340 I got a beard.

00:33:02.160 I don't give a shit.

00:33:03.380 But, you know, for you people who have sex for some reason and want to be attractive to each other,

00:33:09.100 that's what you got to do.

00:33:10.100 It's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use the code ROSANNE.

00:33:16.000 His balls will be singing, Baby, It's Cold Outside.

00:33:20.800 I don't even know who wrote.

00:33:22.380 That isn't even funny.

00:33:23.720 It's not.

00:33:26.900 Every single thing I worked for and every fucking joke killed.

00:33:32.620 Every fucking joke.

00:33:34.080 All five minutes of it was gold and I had worked so hard and picked them five fucking minutes so tight

00:33:41.680 and went through so much to do it.

00:33:43.720 Rewriting all night.

00:33:46.000 All the shit, you know.

00:33:47.580 And then she goes, go do 20 in the big room.

00:33:51.440 And I go, Christ, I was speechless.

00:33:54.760 And all the waitresses go, she's never did that before.

00:33:57.760 Ever took anybody from audition to the main stage.

00:34:03.720 That's pretty incredible.

00:34:06.720 I was going, fuck.

00:34:09.040 I go, I don't even know if I have 20 clean.

00:34:12.920 I was like, I don't even know if I have 20 fucking clean minutes.

00:34:16.040 I'm going to have to bullshit my way through four minutes because that's all the filth that I don't want her to see.

00:34:23.400 Because when I get into my butt fucking jokes and shit, I can't do that to her.

00:34:27.160 You have to hide the butt fuck jokes, by the way.

00:34:29.160 Not on the first one.

00:34:30.240 Not on the first date with Mitzi.

00:34:32.080 You got to work in the butt fuck.

00:34:33.300 You save the butt fucks for the third set.

00:34:34.960 And then I came off the stage and she goes, I'm opening a place in Vegas and you have work.

00:34:41.520 That was my first night.

00:34:42.720 What 20 minutes did you do?

00:34:44.160 Wow.

00:34:44.480 You didn't have 20 minutes?

00:34:45.640 I did.

00:34:47.800 I had 40, but a lot of it was dirty.

00:34:50.700 I was just trying to reorganize all my shit 20 clean.

00:34:54.360 You know how you think.

00:34:55.660 Yeah.

00:34:56.260 So I'm like, I'm not going to get up there.

00:34:58.040 Oh, every time I'm about to do a set, I'm like, I don't even know if I have one minute.

00:35:01.180 This thought comes in my head.

00:35:02.300 I'm like, who knows if this is even.

00:35:03.700 I feel like I made up how to write jokes.

00:35:05.840 I was like, this is how you do it.

00:35:07.020 And I guess.

00:35:07.900 And everyone laughed.

00:35:09.020 And I've been like faking it this whole time.

00:35:10.900 And it keeps working.

00:35:11.980 I don't know why.

00:35:12.760 Sometimes I feel that way too.

00:35:14.220 Yeah, I do it.

00:35:15.140 I'm like, okay.

00:35:15.840 And then they all laugh.

00:35:16.740 And I kind of have this feeling where I go, okay, like, if you believe it, I'll believe it.

00:35:21.440 Because I'm like, I almost feel like I'm past my own jokes.

00:35:24.660 Like I hear my jokes and I already had that thought and opinion and I'm so over it.

00:35:28.780 Yeah.

00:35:29.320 I go, oh, Christ, I've heard this one a hundred times.

00:35:32.180 Not this shit again.

00:35:34.220 Yeah, because you're just listening to what's coming out.

00:35:37.240 I watched Dave Attell have that feeling one time at the cellar and I'll never forget it

00:35:42.000 because I know exactly how he felt.

00:35:43.040 He was just crushing in the cellar and you could tell he was a perfected set.

00:35:47.540 He's done a million times.

00:35:48.700 And he said a joke and everyone laughed and he went, like, I was like, that is the best.

00:35:55.700 I feel that when they laugh and you're like, yeah, okay, fine.

00:36:00.260 How do you feel about the special you did?

00:36:02.960 I feel great.

00:36:04.680 I feel, well, I've also, it's actually the first thing in standup that I've ever felt ready for.

00:36:10.080 Wow.

00:36:10.420 Cool.

00:36:10.640 In 11 years, I've never felt ready.

00:36:12.500 I've done things and I've been nervous.

00:36:14.540 And the day of the taping, I was so calm.

00:36:16.800 My set was ready.

00:36:17.840 I ran it a hundred thousand times before in different ways.

00:36:22.960 I would sit on the stool, stand up, wore a jacket, make myself be cold.

00:36:26.740 I put myself in every, I got too high one time.

00:36:29.140 I got drunk and did it.

00:36:30.340 I put myself in any uncomfortable situation to see if I could run the set.

00:36:33.540 You're actually the reason I have really bad ADD and I stopped chewing gum in the beginning of standup.

00:36:40.280 Someone said it was unprofessional.

00:36:41.760 And then I watched your special and you were chewing gum and I put gum right in the back of my mouth and it helped my set so much just to not.

00:36:48.820 It does.

00:36:49.260 The timing.

00:36:49.720 I think and the timing is going to slow you down.

00:36:52.600 You don't want to spit the gum out.

00:36:53.640 It slows you down.

00:36:55.160 It's great.

00:36:55.960 It is great.

00:36:56.800 Yeah.

00:36:57.020 And someone's like, you should never do it.

00:36:58.400 And I remember probably like a year later I was watching you.

00:37:00.940 I was like, Roseanne does it.

00:37:02.020 I'm doing it.

00:37:03.020 I don't give a fuck.

00:37:03.760 It keeps, it is that OCD thing because you just want to go chop, chop, chop, chop, chop.

00:37:08.720 And you slow.

00:37:09.600 You get nervous.

00:37:10.460 Yeah.

00:37:11.800 There's a rhythm to it too, huh?

00:37:14.160 It's a godly rhythm to it when you got the right thing to say.

00:37:17.820 And it goes like, it's like music because I've talked to a lot of musicians, you know.

00:37:22.020 And it's like, the joke, the way and the poetry of it.

00:37:29.220 Oh, I was doing the test, the camera test for my special and they're like, go through

00:37:33.380 the thing.

00:37:33.780 But I didn't want to do my set.

00:37:34.980 Yeah.

00:37:35.280 So I was going, and they're like, it's crazy how you're not saying words, but it sounds

00:37:41.620 like a set.

00:37:42.400 I'm like, yeah, because it's like a, it's a sound you make.

00:37:44.960 It's about the sound.

00:37:45.960 They need to hear the sounds.

00:37:47.020 They're like babies.

00:37:48.040 Is it harder?

00:37:48.700 Can I ask you a question?

00:37:49.220 Is it, is it harder or is it, how hard is it to break into comedy now with, with the

00:37:53.740 woke culture?

00:37:54.620 I saw a thing you did on, on stage, which I loved when you're basically like, what is

00:37:58.760 wrong with you?

00:37:59.320 You pay the ticket, you come to a standup set and you get offended.

00:38:02.180 Like there's something fucking wrong with you.

00:38:03.760 This is a comedy club.

00:38:04.520 You know what we're doing.

00:38:05.600 Do you put up with that a lot?

00:38:06.900 The woke thing?

00:38:07.480 Or is that, cause I know my mother deals with that obviously.

00:38:10.440 Yeah.

00:38:10.800 Oh, I just get even more dirty.

00:38:12.600 Cause I, the thing I think is, well, they, you're just not being dirty enough for them.

00:38:17.940 Yeah.

00:38:18.440 No, I doubled down too.

00:38:20.100 I'm like, well, they're getting the worst stuff.

00:38:22.160 Yeah.

00:38:22.600 They're getting the worst stuff cause they need like the break.

00:38:25.060 They need to break or hear the worst.

00:38:27.020 So that maybe when they hear something less bad, they're like, that's not that bad.

00:38:30.360 I'll do my worst shit.

00:38:32.120 And if it's a bad crowd, I'll do my most offensive shit up top.

00:38:35.320 And then after the last joke, I go, all right, well that was my clean stuff.

00:38:38.460 And, and then it loosens them up for the, the easier stuff.

00:38:44.420 But I don't, I don't care.

00:38:46.120 I truly do not care.

00:38:47.960 What's wrong with them?

00:38:48.820 Why do they go?

00:38:49.860 This is just judging.

00:38:50.940 No, but they'll try and ruin your career.

00:38:52.340 There's people that go to restaurants, they pay money and then they hate every time they

00:38:55.680 eat the food.

00:38:56.280 There's just people that aren't happy no matter what they do.

00:38:58.860 They're paying their own money and they're just pissed.

00:39:00.800 But it's like, I really don't care.

00:39:03.340 I do stand up.

00:39:04.460 I don't do stand up for anybody else.

00:39:06.420 I don't do it for the audience.

00:39:07.660 I don't do it.

00:39:08.620 I, I, I guess like now it's become my people feel better when they listen to my jokes and

00:39:14.500 it is a good thing for the world.

00:39:16.080 But I just do it because when I do it, I feel happy.

00:39:19.000 And I feel like if everyone focused on that, on themselves, if everyone was a little more

00:39:23.020 selfish and really was like, I'm going to make myself happy for six months.

00:39:26.860 I think that's a good point.

00:39:27.620 That's a really good point.

00:39:29.060 Yeah.

00:39:29.340 It's like, we almost are like too giving to where we've become fake.

00:39:32.920 Yeah.

00:39:33.180 And it's really me and Alex, me and my friend, Alex Scarlato, the, my friend that's a

00:39:37.600 producer, we keep talking about the most important thing to do is be authentic.

00:39:41.560 It's better for the world.

00:39:43.080 It's better for you.

00:39:43.940 That's better for you.

00:39:45.020 And, and being better for you is better for the world.

00:39:47.440 Well, trying to fix yourself and get better, trying to make yourself get better or do better,

00:39:53.740 you know, fix your broken places instead of like going out and looking at other people's

00:39:59.560 broken shit.

00:40:00.680 Yeah.

00:40:01.420 That is the hardest thing in the world to do.

00:40:04.160 If people, if we would ever talk about the truth about that is that's the hardest thing.

00:40:08.520 Nobody can do that.

00:40:09.960 That's only like 2% of people can even do that.

00:40:13.560 I know.

00:40:13.800 Because it is so hard, but that's why you got to try to do it.

00:40:17.460 Yeah.

00:40:17.640 But if you're, if you're constantly trying to fix yourself, you're too distracted to be

00:40:21.880 an asshole.

00:40:23.360 Yeah.

00:40:24.020 You're all too busy working on yourself.

00:40:25.880 Even if you'll never get it, the whole point is to work on yourself so you're not a dick

00:40:29.740 everywhere else.

00:40:30.520 Yeah.

00:40:31.080 Right.

00:40:31.200 I'm too busy.

00:40:31.960 Yeah.

00:40:32.240 Yeah.

00:40:32.400 I'm literally too busy.

00:40:34.120 10 years ago, I was having fights with comedians all the time.

00:40:36.940 I'd bicker with them.

00:40:37.760 If they said something on social media I didn't like, I would comment like, this is dumb.

00:40:40.920 You know what I mean?

00:40:41.440 Like I would.

00:40:42.420 I'd snap back.

00:40:43.360 Even if someone had an opinion that I thought was insane or they were saying something inappropriate,

00:40:48.220 I'd be like, what the fuck?

00:40:49.560 Right.

00:40:49.740 And now I'm like, I am so busy.

00:40:51.480 I just don't care.

00:40:52.740 Yeah.

00:40:53.220 You have to just not care as much.

00:40:54.840 Did you ever get in any fist fights?

00:40:58.700 Yes.

00:40:59.760 Well, I got.

00:41:00.260 Cool.

00:41:00.760 I've been in a couple in college.

00:41:04.480 Yeah.

00:41:05.080 When I was 18 years old, I was in college and I went to Panama City to the beach for spring

00:41:10.240 break and I was at a concert and I met this guy and we were both drunk and it was at the

00:41:14.940 beach at a concert.

00:41:15.640 He put me on his shoulders and we were just dancing on his shoulders.

00:41:18.520 I was like, this is fun.

00:41:19.500 And then I guess he had a girlfriend there and she came up.

00:41:23.360 Bitch on bitch crime.

00:41:24.180 Yeah.

00:41:24.640 And she took a Coors Light can and she chucked me in the face with it.

00:41:28.300 And I was out of nowhere.

00:41:29.320 I thought he was single.

00:41:30.120 He just picked me up.

00:41:31.040 I was like, I didn't know.

00:41:32.340 And she chucked me and then he took me, grabbed me by the ass and threw me on top of her.

00:41:36.200 And so it created like a fight.

00:41:37.600 Like he kind of made it happen.

00:41:39.440 So it was just a fight.

00:41:40.680 A wrestling move.

00:41:41.080 Oh my God.

00:41:42.080 Yeah.

00:41:42.200 And the crazy thing is that was six hours away from my college, that trip I went on.

00:41:47.200 And me and that girl got broken up and separated and I got like one look into her eyes before

00:41:51.660 we got separated.

00:41:52.880 And two weeks later when I was back at school, I went to a bar and I saw her standing outside

00:41:57.540 the bathroom door.

00:41:58.520 Oh my God.

00:41:58.860 The same girl.

00:41:59.880 And I did just sucker punch her.

00:42:02.920 Wow.

00:42:03.340 You did?

00:42:03.960 Yeah.

00:42:04.320 Right in the face.

00:42:05.500 That's what she did to me.

00:42:07.600 And then, yeah, I sucker punched her.

00:42:09.560 We got separated at the bar.

00:42:11.220 And then two days later she found my social media and she messaged me and she said, can

00:42:15.700 we never do that again?

00:42:16.900 Oh wow.

00:42:17.220 And I said, yeah, we're good.

00:42:18.320 Better than a lawsuit.

00:42:19.020 Oh, that's cool.

00:42:20.320 Yeah.

00:42:20.480 Y'all solved your, that's good.

00:42:22.460 It was solved.

00:42:23.340 Yeah.

00:42:23.520 But I had to get my lick back.

00:42:25.160 You do.

00:42:25.980 Absolutely.

00:42:26.340 Yeah, you do.

00:42:27.340 I love it when women get in a fist fight with other women.

00:42:30.800 It's so much cleaner and better than the mental war women put other women through trying

00:42:36.420 to ruin your credit and get your kids to look away.

00:42:39.980 Fucking all that shit.

00:42:41.120 That is a woman thing to call CPS on another woman.

00:42:44.400 Yeah.

00:42:44.460 Women are way worse.

00:42:45.940 Bitch on bitch crime don't play.

00:42:48.020 Yeah.

00:42:48.840 Just go punch a bitch out and then she'll get you back.

00:42:52.240 That's how men fight.

00:42:53.000 And that's it.

00:42:53.660 Period.

00:42:54.240 It's over.

00:42:54.540 That's how men are.

00:42:54.880 One time I was dating a male comedian about 10 years ago and we got into a fight at the

00:43:00.840 comedy store, like an argument.

00:43:02.920 He was making fun of my friends or something.

00:43:05.420 Oh no, my friends made fun of his set and he was just like being really, they were like,

00:43:09.540 that joke was like interesting.

00:43:11.060 And he was like, you don't fucking know anything.

00:43:13.220 Fuck you.

00:43:13.860 And it was being really shitty.

00:43:15.460 And I was kind of stood up for them and he poked me.

00:43:18.560 Like he was like at the comedy store and he was trying to be like, don't you ever and

00:43:22.020 did this and was like backing me up?

00:43:23.900 He was doing it so hard.

00:43:24.920 And I punched him in the face, squared in the eye at the comedy store.

00:43:28.440 Oh yeah, you need to.

00:43:29.080 And I remember the moment I did it, I was like three years in, I was like, I'll never

00:43:31.760 be allowed in this place again.

00:43:33.080 And the way that I just keep going in there, they don't, before they got cameras in there,

00:43:38.240 it was the, you know, you know, you got, you guys set it off.

00:43:41.240 But before they had the cameras, oh, they had the guns and the knives.

00:43:45.640 I saw the guns and the knives.

00:43:47.120 Oh shit.

00:43:47.700 I saw the, I saw worse than guns and knives.

00:43:49.560 Didn't you smash a guy's head on a bar, I heard?

00:43:51.920 Oh, they did all kinds of shit.

00:43:53.220 No, you did that.

00:43:54.120 I heard you grabbed a guy's head.

00:43:55.420 Oh, that was in Vegas.

00:43:57.220 I hit, I smashed a guy's head in the bar.

00:44:00.200 Why did you do that?

00:44:01.640 Because he's saying shit I didn't want to hear.

00:44:04.180 So you grabbed the back of his head and smashed him on the bar.

00:44:06.520 I heard this from Alan.

00:44:07.540 Were you chewing gum?

00:44:08.280 Do you trust anything that's being parroted out of the mouth of so-called experts on the TV?

00:44:17.080 No, when I hear trust the experts, I know they're lying.

00:44:19.500 After the last three years, I just don't trust anybody.

00:44:22.800 Me either.

00:44:23.360 That's why I'm very excited to introduce you guys to the wellness company

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00:44:38.640 It comes with meds like, um, what?

00:44:43.800 Tamoxicillin is the one.

00:44:44.800 Tamoxicillin.

00:44:45.320 You read those, Jake.

00:44:46.800 Ivermectin.

00:44:47.420 Oh yeah, that's the big one.

00:44:48.780 Z-Pack.

00:44:49.340 That's the horse paste.

00:44:50.180 Z-Pack.

00:44:51.260 And it also has a 22-page guidebook, which is basically like having a doctor on call.

00:44:55.460 Yeah.

00:44:55.680 You don't have, you don't have to go on web, MD, and see if you have cancer.

00:44:58.880 They scare the shit out of you.

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00:45:03.800 Yeah.

00:45:04.060 Natural disasters to supply chain shortages.

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00:45:32.100 Listen to this.

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00:45:34.180 But Biden's new budget proposes 4.7 trillion dollars.

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00:45:44.300 4.7 trillion dollars in new taxes.

00:45:54.860 Trillion?

00:45:55.860 What is that?

00:45:56.560 Like that's a billion, billion, or three times a billion, billion.

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00:46:39.560 Yeah.

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00:46:54.180 That's what it's about.

00:46:54.920 It's not an investment.

00:46:56.020 I don't tell people to buy gold and silver because like, oh, you're going to make billions

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00:47:10.020 This is what God has asked us to do.

00:47:11.620 That's why we were chosen.

00:47:12.660 But really, it's about protecting what you have.

00:47:15.400 No, I had removed my gum because I was drinking.

00:47:19.360 And he came up and said some nasty shit to me.

00:47:24.620 Like, you know, I guess they, some guys, some guy comics think talking nasty is a turn

00:47:34.140 on, I guess.

00:47:35.660 Well, yeah.

00:47:36.460 I hate when guy comics talk in general.

00:47:39.140 I do too.

00:47:39.740 Just like shh.

00:47:40.060 In person.

00:47:41.300 Yeah.

00:47:41.640 I like when they're on stage.

00:47:43.200 Me too.

00:47:43.620 They're horrendous in person.

00:47:45.160 Yeah.

00:47:45.180 They're all kind of crazy.

00:47:46.940 Crazy.

00:47:47.380 But they're not crazy like women comics.

00:47:50.060 Who do you think's crazier, women comics or men comics?

00:47:53.820 That's a good question.

00:47:54.940 I honestly, and this is not even me hating on men.

00:47:58.260 I think it's the men.

00:47:59.280 I do too.

00:48:00.040 I do too.

00:48:00.420 Men, you made a good point.

00:48:01.860 I think we've talked about this.

00:48:03.380 We're both crazy, but the men are degenerates.

00:48:06.140 Yeah.

00:48:06.620 They're degenerates on top of the shit.

00:48:08.660 You were right about that.

00:48:09.540 They're just hanging in their self and jacking off and all that kind of crazy shit.

00:48:13.300 What the fuck?

00:48:14.520 They're also so horny.

00:48:15.600 I think they asked.

00:48:17.960 What?

00:48:18.940 I think they asked Pamela Anderson one time, would you rather date a rock star or a comedian?

00:48:23.140 And she said a rock star.

00:48:24.340 Yeah.

00:48:24.460 She said comedians are too hard to deal with.

00:48:26.220 Yeah.

00:48:26.600 They are.

00:48:27.440 They're crazy.

00:48:28.780 Poor guys.

00:48:29.280 They got a, I don't know.

00:48:31.080 They got too many things going on there.

00:48:33.660 Too many wires are.

00:48:35.220 But also at the same time, how.

00:48:37.400 How, don't you feel like you're on like an island of misfit toys and you belong in the

00:48:43.040 toy box?

00:48:44.640 I know that I'm a misfit too.

00:48:46.860 Yeah.

00:48:47.380 But I don't think two misfits should ever get together.

00:48:50.540 Yeah.

00:48:50.700 That's my whole thing.

00:48:51.840 If you're a girl comic, don't get with the boy comic.

00:48:54.860 Yeah.

00:48:55.240 There's my head.

00:48:56.060 It's hard not to.

00:48:57.600 It's so hard not to.

00:48:59.360 Yeah.

00:48:59.540 Give Kim some advice.

00:49:00.520 You just can't.

00:49:01.840 You've got to get with a mental health professional.

00:49:05.060 You should.

00:49:06.800 That is my whole life.

00:49:08.160 Do you know?

00:49:09.160 Well, do you, well, it's hard because we deserve to laugh too.

00:49:14.200 I know.

00:49:14.940 But then that kind of laugh, you don't need that.

00:49:16.120 Comics aren't the only people that are funny.

00:49:17.920 Well, if you can, I'll tell you what.

00:49:19.860 A writer would be good.

00:49:21.400 No.

00:49:21.620 A comedic writer.

00:49:22.660 You'd think so.

00:49:23.060 But remember that Hollywood Boulevard movie where the writers drown in her pool?

00:49:28.920 My favorite movie.

00:49:30.020 No.

00:49:30.580 Yeah.

00:49:30.860 She uses the writers and then drowns them in her pool.

00:49:34.520 Look how excited you are.

00:49:36.040 I kind of expected when I walked into your house that you'd have young, naked men that

00:49:41.240 we'd sit on as furniture.

00:49:42.800 You'd have this.

00:49:44.260 Mom doesn't really like men or sex anymore.

00:49:46.760 I don't really.

00:49:47.700 I'm so over the goat urge.

00:49:50.040 Yeah.

00:49:50.280 She thinks people who have sex are like retarded.

00:49:53.340 I look down on them.

00:49:54.540 Yeah, she does.

00:49:54.860 Really?

00:49:55.380 Yeah.

00:49:55.760 I'm like, why would you?

00:49:57.040 I mean, but I'm 71.

00:49:58.600 Yeah.

00:49:58.940 So I'm bored.

00:50:00.080 I've done it.

00:50:00.940 I've, it's nothing.

00:50:02.740 Yeah.

00:50:03.240 She's not on hormones.

00:50:04.220 Well, I also think, you know what really freaks me out?

00:50:06.180 Have you ever met someone that's like too sexual?

00:50:09.220 Yeah.

00:50:09.840 They're scary.

00:50:10.340 It's creepers.

00:50:10.900 Yeah.

00:50:11.400 They're scary.

00:50:12.540 One time we went all into the strip club in Texas after like one of the shows.

00:50:18.320 Uh-huh.

00:50:18.580 And it was fun and I enjoy it.

00:50:21.400 And like, you know, some of the girls are cute and fun and whatever.

00:50:25.020 But there was this one stripper that was like just so aggressively horny in our section.

00:50:30.760 And she kept like, I was just like, please, like I can feel your molestation energy.

00:50:37.420 It's just like creepy.

00:50:38.940 It's creepy.

00:50:39.540 To you?

00:50:40.200 To me.

00:50:40.760 I don't like over sexual energy.

00:50:42.480 If I have a boyfriend, I don't like PDA.

00:50:44.340 I also have like, I don't like PDA at all.

00:50:47.980 I'll sit on a lap maybe and do a kiss every once in a while.

00:50:51.120 But I'm like not into like making out in public and stuff like that.

00:50:54.380 I also like, as a child, my mom used embarrassment as punishment, which is very interesting that I became a comedian.

00:51:00.860 How would she do that?

00:51:01.720 Like, she would punish me by like showing up to my school and like, you know, throwing my clothes like in the middle of the street.

00:51:12.320 Oh, I didn't do that.

00:51:12.980 Or like.

00:51:13.840 In front of the other kids?

00:51:14.740 Yeah.

00:51:15.000 I remember one time when I was 15, I threatened to kill myself.

00:51:17.640 Well, that's rough.

00:51:18.680 Yeah, and my mom brought all over the neighborhood guys and the one I had a crush on and like brought them into my room.

00:51:25.100 I was like, tell them how you said you're going to kill yourself.

00:51:27.040 Wow.

00:51:27.600 And so she would like embarrass me.

00:51:29.240 Did she want you to kill yourself or something?

00:51:30.740 No, I, no, that should have pushed me to the edge, to be honest.

00:51:33.900 But it honestly made me never threaten it again.

00:51:35.920 It kind of worked.

00:51:36.680 I was like, that was embarrassing.

00:51:38.820 But now I have a.

00:51:40.120 That kind of might be calling your bluff to the nth degree there.

00:51:43.940 It is.

00:51:44.720 But that's a risky maneuver because that could go the other way.

00:51:47.500 It could have, and I should have punished her and just off myself.

00:51:49.920 You have to keep escalating.

00:51:51.160 Yeah, but that would have showed her.

00:51:53.840 Try that again, bitch.

00:51:54.740 She's lucky I'm not a little more.

00:51:56.500 She's a sociopath.

00:51:57.920 Yeah.

00:51:58.160 That sounds pretty fucked up.

00:51:59.140 So I get very embarrassed, which is so crazy that I'm a comedian because I get humiliated.

00:52:05.180 Me too.

00:52:05.900 By anything.

00:52:06.500 Then you'll get up there on stage and do that.

00:52:07.740 Maybe that's part of it.

00:52:08.980 Because we all say you're mentally ill.

00:52:10.460 It is kind of that.

00:52:10.900 I've wondered that.

00:52:12.160 Your dad did that.

00:52:13.480 Grandpa Jerry would humiliate us.

00:52:15.780 He would do that to me too.

00:52:16.660 It was hilarious.

00:52:17.840 Oh, my God.

00:52:18.300 Remember he put his teeth in my hand and shit?

00:52:20.220 Oh, my dad.

00:52:21.420 There's nobody like mine.

00:52:21.880 He would embarrass you horribly.

00:52:23.340 Maybe that's what it is that makes people comics is like a parent that abuses you that

00:52:29.040 way.

00:52:29.240 Well, you want to, you kind of, well, I don't want to get too psychiatric.

00:52:32.840 I like to get into that stuff.

00:52:34.160 Well, you kind of want to make your vulnerabilities seen so they don't find them on their own.

00:52:40.820 Oh, that's smart.

00:52:41.980 But then you got other ones behind them ones.

00:52:44.680 Oh, my God.

00:52:45.080 So you just put the ones out that you think is a...

00:52:48.080 And you hide the good ones.

00:52:49.160 Yeah, you hide the real ones.

00:52:51.000 You hide the good stuff.

00:52:51.820 It's like a lightning rod.

00:52:52.900 Huh?

00:52:53.220 You're using it like a lightning rod.

00:52:54.540 Yeah, because you know that they'll laugh at themselves that way.

00:52:57.940 Right.

00:52:58.740 But there's other things behind it that are, you know, where the real jokes come from.

00:53:05.420 Yeah.

00:53:06.060 Yeah.

00:53:06.420 I always love that someone told me that Mitzi used to say, like, when you go on stage,

00:53:11.540 don't tell a joke.

00:53:12.300 Tell the truth.

00:53:13.440 Yeah, she did say that.

00:53:14.580 And that's one of my favorite things.

00:53:15.940 And that's like the authenticity thing again.

00:53:17.900 It makes for the funny.

00:53:18.900 You ever see a comic go on stage and they're just trying to be funny?

00:53:21.740 Did you know her?

00:53:22.740 Did you ever meet her?

00:53:24.000 No, she's gone.

00:53:24.920 It's like the saddest thing of my life that I've never met.

00:53:27.300 Here's what she told me.

00:53:29.920 No Puerto Ricans.

00:53:31.680 No, she loved everybody.

00:53:33.220 Oh, okay.

00:53:33.600 She'd tell you to play up your identity.

00:53:38.880 She'd probably say, like, they've never seen a Puerto Rican sexy gal.

00:53:45.740 She'd tell you to play it up, you know.

00:53:47.700 I love it.

00:53:48.280 But she told me, yeah, you're, I don't know why I'm doing the voice.

00:53:53.160 Because I whine just as much.

00:53:54.940 No, you're channeling her.

00:53:56.140 I'm channeling her.

00:53:57.060 She goes, you're kind of like a farmer.

00:54:00.360 That's why you need to wear overalls and stuff.

00:54:03.160 Like, it's your Midwestern farmer.

00:54:05.900 Yeah, that's your.

00:54:07.840 I think she was right.

00:54:08.920 I think she was right, too.

00:54:09.820 I'm not going to lie to you.

00:54:10.840 It's a good note.

00:54:11.040 The first four years of my stand-up, I also wore overalls because I was obsessed with you.

00:54:14.980 Really?

00:54:15.520 That's so cute.

00:54:15.640 I wore overalls and chew gum because I just thought you were the coolest.

00:54:18.960 Yes.

00:54:19.060 See, I like that.

00:54:19.880 Overalls are the shit.

00:54:20.800 They're the shit.

00:54:21.280 They're so comfortable and cool.

00:54:22.340 They're making, what do they call them, jumpsuits.

00:54:25.800 They're making a huge comeback.

00:54:27.320 The romper.

00:54:28.220 Yeah.

00:54:28.580 They're the best stand-up outfits for women, I think.

00:54:30.720 I'm like, I always say, like, overalls are cute and they cover everything and you're

00:54:35.200 comfortable in them.

00:54:36.640 You look so chic.

00:54:38.300 I know.

00:54:38.660 This is, I'm trying, like, a new thing because I'm trying to, like, find a husband.

00:54:42.620 You don't want a husband.

00:54:43.480 I look like a lesbian most of the time.

00:54:45.040 Yeah, but you don't want, you just, you know, it's so.

00:54:50.040 I want one.

00:54:50.620 I'm so sick of, like, carrying my own shit.

00:54:53.620 Yeah.

00:54:54.180 I want someone to just hire an assistant.

00:54:56.000 Get a male assistant.

00:54:57.180 Get a gay one.

00:54:57.460 I will when I can afford one in a year.

00:55:00.160 Yeah.

00:55:00.520 Well, they'll work for free if they think you're going somewhere.

00:55:02.600 That's true.

00:55:03.340 You should leverage that.

00:55:04.240 That's true.

00:55:05.440 That's a good point.

00:55:06.040 Who?

00:55:06.820 A guy.

00:55:08.160 A gay guy will do it.

00:55:09.640 Yeah, then you have to pay a gay guy.

00:55:10.760 A straight guy.

00:55:11.720 You do have to pay a gay guy.

00:55:13.020 A straight guy that's got a crush on you, you could get a free year out of him.

00:55:16.100 If he's rich, he'll work for free if he has a crush on you.

00:55:19.920 You'll be fine.

00:55:20.240 Oh, my God.

00:55:20.920 If I would tell you the kind of shit women used to do.

00:55:24.560 What?

00:55:24.980 But I don't know if they do it anymore.

00:55:26.540 Well, let's find out.

00:55:27.620 Yeah, I might do it.

00:55:29.140 Help her out.

00:55:30.340 No, I think women have changed a lot.

00:55:32.280 I've seen the change in women.

00:55:33.700 Like what?

00:55:34.460 Particularly through women comics.

00:55:37.960 Just women have a way to make their own way in the world now.

00:55:42.540 And that was kind of rare.

00:55:44.600 Like OnlyFans?

00:55:46.260 Yeah.

00:55:47.100 It is kind of that.

00:55:48.600 Yeah.

00:55:49.120 What do you think about that?

00:55:50.200 What's your opinions on OnlyFans and women doing like sex work like that?

00:55:55.160 Well, I think that's, you know, like a fast way out.

00:55:59.940 It is.

00:56:00.980 So, you know, if you got it, you might.

00:56:02.820 You're in a pinch.

00:56:03.400 Yeah, if you're in it, you might as well not be, you know, that song.

00:56:08.620 Might as well sell it instead of just sitting on it.

00:56:11.140 Oh, my God.

00:56:12.500 I've never heard that.

00:56:13.600 That's from the 50s.

00:56:14.500 That's, instead of sitting on it, it's a visceral image.

00:56:18.880 Might as well sell it instead of just sitting on it.

00:56:21.900 Damn.

00:56:22.760 You know, if you need a way out.

00:56:25.680 But are you talking about.

00:56:26.480 Unfortunately, you know, these women, they're going to college and getting five degrees in

00:56:33.200 this and that and they can't make a living anyway.

00:56:35.960 Because they're getting stupid bullshit degrees.

00:56:37.680 They're not getting real degrees.

00:56:38.820 Yeah.

00:56:39.100 No.

00:56:39.560 No, I say don't go to college unless you need a degree for your job.

00:56:43.100 Like really look into your job and ask yourself, are they going to look up if I have a degree?

00:56:47.800 Yeah.

00:56:47.900 And if it's a no, quit.

00:56:49.700 Yeah.

00:56:50.280 Make the connection.

00:56:51.140 Go for a few semesters.

00:56:52.180 Make some connections.

00:56:53.380 Meet some lawyer sons and some people that are doctors.

00:56:55.860 And in college, the only benefit, I dropped out of college my senior year to do stand

00:57:00.240 up.

00:57:00.920 I came to LA for the summer off an internship, popped in, did the OR and then did Kill Tony.

00:57:07.760 And the next day I dropped out of school.

00:57:09.260 I completely dropped out.

00:57:10.200 And the only thing.

00:57:11.040 Good for you.

00:57:11.660 That benefited me was the connections I made.

00:57:14.140 That's why you go.

00:57:14.780 The three years.

00:57:15.260 The friends I had.

00:57:15.880 I had doctors.

00:57:16.720 I had lawyers.

00:57:17.380 Yeah.

00:57:17.940 I knew people from around the country.

00:57:19.420 I can go to 10 different states now and have somewhere to stay.

00:57:22.660 That's all good and well, but you don't really need a degree for stand up.

00:57:26.020 No.

00:57:26.520 No.

00:57:26.900 Anything.

00:57:27.420 I think my advice to young women, drop out of college, learn how to do stand up comedy

00:57:32.060 or become a pool, a really good pool player.

00:57:36.200 Because women do have a thing with seeing angles on a board.

00:57:40.900 I love pool.

00:57:41.620 And they should, women are good pool players.

00:57:44.460 And I think those two things are really good.

00:57:47.660 Stand up and pool.

00:57:49.040 Are good, far better than going to college.

00:57:52.080 I agree with that.

00:57:52.960 College is a way to do that.

00:57:53.520 And learning to go get a craft, or not a craft, but I mean like-

00:57:57.460 A skill.

00:57:58.060 Being a skill.

00:57:59.000 Yeah.

00:57:59.900 Plumbers.

00:58:00.440 Women aren't going to do that.

00:58:02.840 Electricians.

00:58:03.620 Those people work forever.

00:58:05.620 No, I know.

00:58:06.320 They always have a job.

00:58:07.320 Those are things women need to do.

00:58:10.040 Welding.

00:58:10.360 Labor jobs.

00:58:11.400 Welding.

00:58:11.900 Yeah.

00:58:12.580 Yeah.

00:58:12.820 There's a lot of really good jobs out there that women can make a lot of money on.

00:58:16.480 One of them is construction management.

00:58:18.640 You don't even have to be on the site.

00:58:20.100 You show up and make sure everyone's working.

00:58:22.200 And then you make a bunch of money.

00:58:23.820 Yeah.

00:58:24.080 I was trying to get my sister to do that.

00:58:25.720 But yeah, I love pool.

00:58:27.200 I love poker.

00:58:28.500 Poker's good.

00:58:29.160 I love to gamble.

00:58:29.560 Women have the mind for gambling.

00:58:31.440 So I have this.

00:58:32.240 I wanted to do this thing.

00:58:33.540 I've been trying to teach my sister how to play poker.

00:58:35.240 Because I'm like, when I go, I go to the casino sometimes, Commerce or the other one

00:58:40.760 over here at Hollywood Park.

00:58:43.060 And I used to wear sweatpants and a sweatshirt and dress like a boy, glasses, ponytail.

00:58:48.740 And I'd play and it'd be fun.

00:58:50.380 The last time I went, I was like, let me try dressing sexy.

00:58:53.940 So I went full cleavage out.

00:58:55.640 And I'm telling you, I must have gotten $200 worth of free money.

00:58:59.360 If I lost a thing and I'd be like, well, I got to go, the guys would be like, no, stay.

00:59:03.560 And they'd throw chips.

00:59:04.520 And I told my sister, I'm like, why don't we, the place is open all night.

00:59:09.560 They say, open 24-7.

00:59:10.760 I'm like, why don't we go to bed at 5 o'clock, wake up at midnight, dress up like we've been

00:59:15.860 partying all night, mess up our hair, but like we're fresh brain.

00:59:19.040 And then go wipe out the table of dudes that have been there for eight hours.

00:59:23.180 They'd be tired.

00:59:24.280 They're ready to go home.

00:59:25.080 Of course, now you're thinking.

00:59:25.640 Yeah, I'm like, we should do that.

00:59:27.280 That's smart.

00:59:27.940 You want to join me?

00:59:28.940 I would go.

00:59:29.860 I would go.

00:59:30.800 Let's go.

00:59:31.000 Yeah, I would go.

00:59:33.020 Because why not?

00:59:34.520 And give them a thrill.

00:59:37.380 Give them a, they'll pay to have a little entertainment.

00:59:39.720 They're bored and they're surrounded by other men.

00:59:42.000 They're like dying to have some feminine energy after a few hours.

00:59:45.220 Men miss women.

00:59:46.620 It doesn't matter how badly they treat us.

00:59:48.720 When we're gone and we come around, you can tell they miss you.

00:59:51.420 It's true.

00:59:51.860 And I'm telling you what, they miss, you know, men miss a broad, it used to be called.

00:59:59.680 Yeah.

01:00:00.300 You know, like Mae West type with the jokes.

01:00:04.220 Yes.

01:00:04.560 Cool chicks.

01:00:05.260 Yeah, cool chicks or whatever.

01:00:06.900 They miss the jokes.

01:00:08.800 See, but they're forced to be in the room with the lesbians.

01:00:12.660 And hence, they're like laugh shamed by the lesbians who are anti-humor.

01:00:20.040 You see where I'm going with this?

01:00:21.340 Yeah.

01:00:21.620 You're very anti-lesbian.

01:00:22.860 You should make merch that says lesbians killed comedy.

01:00:25.500 They did.

01:00:26.720 They did.

01:00:27.700 They did.

01:00:28.280 Do you know how all the publicists in Hollywood are lesbians?

01:00:33.580 I thought they were gay guys.

01:00:35.060 No, they used to be gay guys, but now they're not.

01:00:38.540 Gay guys are running the organizations.

01:00:40.860 But all the publicists are lesbians now, which is why you're not able to say anything without

01:00:49.160 fucking pissing somebody off and, you know, being called out for it.

01:00:54.080 Yeah, I agree with you.

01:00:55.020 For me, it's like less lesbian, but I call them in LA.

01:00:58.420 I hate when I'm driving, I see them.

01:01:00.360 I call them white knight cucks.

01:01:01.860 Yeah, that's perfect.

01:01:02.520 It's LA white knight cucks.

01:01:03.720 It's people that are like just fucking, they get off on being righteous.

01:01:08.000 Like it makes, they're missing something internally and they didn't get some sort of validation.

01:01:12.360 So they just want to side with whatever the bigger number is.

01:01:16.740 And when I was driving, oh my gosh, this really happened to me.

01:01:20.000 I was driving.

01:01:20.620 I rarely.

01:01:21.020 Isn't it a self-righteous shit thing?

01:01:22.760 It's self-righteous.

01:01:23.760 It's actually more selfish than not.

01:01:25.540 I want to hear the story you're driving.

01:01:26.620 I was driving, and I've noticed this because LA, you could tell the temperament and how

01:01:33.560 like woke and rule following the city is by the traffic.

01:01:38.320 If you're driving in LA, and I want you to notice this next time, the right lanes will

01:01:43.620 always be open.

01:01:45.600 Always.

01:01:46.160 It'll be miles of traffic and the right lane is open because the people are scared to,

01:01:50.380 when you're illegally allowed to, to go in and merge back in away from the cars.

01:01:55.220 And the whole town is so scared to have to get in front of someone because that's who

01:01:59.040 they are.

01:01:59.600 We shouldn't get in front of others.

01:02:01.220 And I'm like, you're actually creating more traffic by staying in this lane than just being

01:02:05.860 cool and going with the flow.

01:02:07.320 And I feel like that is kind of the whole thing.

01:02:09.440 Yeah.

01:02:09.600 You're looking at like an anthropologist through traffic.

01:02:11.740 That's fascinating.

01:02:12.700 I never thought of that.

01:02:13.620 Because I, I remember being like driving when I was younger was much more aggressive.

01:02:17.720 And I've noticed that too.

01:02:18.980 People are much more positive.

01:02:19.520 And they're causing more traffic.

01:02:21.140 No, they're hesitant.

01:02:21.540 The more careful they are.

01:02:22.440 It's like people that get mad when you're, when you go, like you're going to go on the

01:02:25.500 exit and merge back in.

01:02:26.740 Those people get so mad at you.

01:02:28.440 But if you look up the statistics, that's actually helps flow traffic better than people

01:02:33.080 that don't do that.

01:02:34.140 And it's like, why are you mad at me for just going quicker than you?

01:02:37.780 Why are you mad that I'm quicker than you?

01:02:39.620 You're mad at yourself because you were too scared to do that.

01:02:42.380 You're not mad at me.

01:02:43.160 You're mad at you.

01:02:44.140 Yeah.

01:02:44.480 And then if you're like one second over the time when, when the light changes, they can't

01:02:51.840 wait.

01:02:52.320 They live for it.

01:02:53.560 Oh, the rule happened.

01:02:54.880 You're breaking the rules.

01:02:55.940 I hate it.

01:02:56.640 I was driving.

01:02:57.560 There is me, me driving a guy in front of me, no traffic behind me.

01:03:03.440 And the guy in front of me, I see there's, you know, those prisoners that work on the

01:03:06.980 side of the roads.

01:03:07.720 They're working on the side of the road and they're trying to cross the street, but I can

01:03:10.780 see that they're waiting for me and this guy to pass so that they, there's no traffic

01:03:14.020 behind us.

01:03:14.460 They can cross the guy in front of me.

01:03:16.380 Because he's a white knight cuck slams on, slams on his brakes to let these people go

01:03:21.260 by because he has to be righteous.

01:03:22.540 He has to be the person that lets them go because they're prisoners.

01:03:25.280 I already know.

01:03:26.160 I see the fucking stickers on the car.

01:03:28.180 I already know who he is.

01:03:29.200 Right.

01:03:29.920 The coexist.

01:03:30.980 I see it.

01:03:31.700 I hate those fucks.

01:03:32.880 I hate those fucks.

01:03:33.280 And so he slams on his brakes.

01:03:34.900 I almost hit him.

01:03:36.340 And then.

01:03:36.820 I wish you had.

01:03:37.740 Yeah.

01:03:37.880 I wish I had to.

01:03:38.900 And all the prisoners after this, because I slam on the brakes.

01:03:43.200 Then he's going like this to the prisoners and they're going like, no, you go.

01:03:47.240 We're waiting for the cars to go by.

01:03:48.920 And he's going, you go.

01:03:50.480 So then I fucking honk and I rolled down my window.

01:03:53.380 I go, one of you fucking go.

01:03:55.580 Yeah.

01:03:55.920 Good.

01:03:56.100 And then the dude, then they all turn on me.

01:04:00.460 They all turn on me.

01:04:01.440 Now they're working together and they're like, fuck you.

01:04:03.600 And I go to go around the driver and he blocks me.

01:04:05.860 So now he's being aggressive.

01:04:07.300 So I wait.

01:04:08.300 The prisoners go.

01:04:09.220 They're laughing.

01:04:10.000 And that guy comes up to the window and he rolls down the window and he's like, have a heart.

01:04:15.480 Oh, fuck you.

01:04:15.920 Have a heart.

01:04:16.960 And I just went, you're a cock.

01:04:18.920 I was like so angry.

01:04:20.280 But it's like, it's actually not about having a heart because in my heart, I was going to go

01:04:24.820 so they could cross the street easier.

01:04:26.780 But I didn't have the need to need validations from the prisoners that I did something for them.

01:04:32.860 You did.

01:04:33.760 Right.

01:04:34.100 And it's like that, that I hate.

01:04:35.820 I hate that shit.

01:04:36.620 I hate it.

01:04:37.300 It's so fake.

01:04:38.500 It's that pretense shit.

01:04:40.480 I used to, I want, used to wanted to do a thing where you showed the, cause I hate Hollywood.

01:04:47.300 Once I got in there, it was like, yeah, God.

01:04:50.960 And, but, uh, I wanted to show where the one thing they will, um, support their charity.

01:04:58.920 I want to have a graph that this is the charity they support.

01:05:03.380 Uh, and this is the sin they actually commit.

01:05:07.040 And here's the graph where they meet.

01:05:09.960 That's what it is.

01:05:11.280 That's how I saw it.

01:05:12.560 That's how it is.

01:05:13.380 It is like that.

01:05:14.320 It's dark.

01:05:15.180 It is really dark.

01:05:16.100 It's really dark.

01:05:16.820 But comedy is the light of it all, you know, and those are the only movies that makes any

01:05:22.040 money for the rest of their shit.

01:05:24.880 You know.

01:05:25.280 It's the comedies and that's what they're, they're just ruining comedy and that just incenses

01:05:30.580 me.

01:05:31.300 That's what I want to talk about.

01:05:31.960 But we'll get it back some other way.

01:05:33.880 Well, you guys are fighting the younger comics.

01:05:35.640 I've noticed you, like Kill Tony or The Mothership.

01:05:38.800 Like that's one of the things I want to do.

01:05:39.760 I'm talking about movies.

01:05:41.020 No, I know.

01:05:41.660 But there's a, there's a movement now to, to, to push back.

01:05:45.060 Oh my God.

01:05:45.780 I just wrote the most offensive, funny movie.

01:05:48.180 Oh my God.

01:05:48.620 I want to read it.

01:05:49.580 I'm so excited about it.

01:05:50.980 I'll, I, I feel like it's not bad to say your ideas out loud.

01:05:53.960 Is it?

01:05:54.280 It's very bad.

01:05:55.060 You should do an indie.

01:05:55.820 Well, sort of because someone will steal it.

01:05:57.800 Even if it's already written?

01:05:59.280 Is it trademarked?

01:06:00.540 No.

01:06:01.120 No, don't do it.

01:06:01.860 Trademark it.

01:06:02.500 And then, see, cause they're like this.

01:06:04.920 Mail it to yourself.

01:06:05.120 Everything you're saying.

01:06:06.820 Tell us off there.

01:06:08.420 Yeah.

01:06:08.880 Or you can write it.

01:06:09.660 Mail it to yourself.

01:06:10.660 Certified mail.

01:06:11.240 Don't open it.

01:06:11.420 Yeah.

01:06:11.660 I wrote a movie about cancel culture.

01:06:13.120 I love it.

01:06:13.740 Oh, I love it.

01:06:14.560 I want to make it.

01:06:15.600 Yeah.

01:06:15.760 Can you make it?

01:06:16.380 Yeah.

01:06:16.920 I want to make it.

01:06:17.660 No, it's not done.

01:06:18.340 It's just fully written out.

01:06:19.720 Me and my, my, my podcast partner, Sarah Weinshank, we wrote it together.

01:06:23.460 Well, can I read it?

01:06:24.560 Yes.

01:06:24.680 And can I put notes on it?

01:06:26.240 Absolutely.

01:06:26.800 She loves notes.

01:06:27.420 You know I'll put some fucking notes on it.

01:06:29.320 Yes.

01:06:29.660 Yes.

01:06:30.140 And if it gets made, can you be in it?

01:06:32.500 Of course.

01:06:32.980 Well, you're the queen of cancel culture.

01:06:34.520 You're the only one that actually got canceled.

01:06:35.740 I'm the queen of skank cancel culture.

01:06:38.080 It's, I'm the skankiest skank and cancel skank.

01:06:43.420 Well, that's the thing I always want to say is like, you know, I'm glad comics are stepping

01:06:47.180 up now and fighting back, but when she was going through that, no one said shit.

01:06:50.900 And that's why I'm still pissed.

01:06:51.820 Like nobody backed you up when you were going through your cancel.

01:06:55.620 Comics were pussies.

01:06:56.860 And now they're all going out there and like, look at me.

01:06:58.920 I'm not, not that you did this, but other ones are like, I'm anti-cancel culture.

01:07:02.000 It's like, where the fuck were you four or five years ago?

01:07:04.280 Say shit about me.

01:07:05.200 That's why I get mad.

01:07:05.920 I'm not going to name names, but that's why I'm mad.

01:07:07.740 No, I know what you mean.

01:07:08.680 Yeah.

01:07:09.040 And I'm glad that you're authentic about it.

01:07:10.900 Yeah.

01:07:11.180 No, I would have, but I just, uh, I don't, I don't tweet like that.

01:07:14.780 Yeah.

01:07:15.040 I post and ghost.

01:07:16.220 I'm in and out.

01:07:16.940 But I'm like, you know, uh, bitch, you wasn't there.

01:07:21.960 Yeah.

01:07:22.320 So I'm like, for whatever the fuck I'll say.

01:07:24.700 I got to tell you, every time I heard.

01:07:26.380 From now on, I just go, bitch, you wasn't there.

01:07:30.060 I'll say that for everybody.

01:07:31.400 And that goes way back because people used to, here's how it was.

01:07:37.000 One thing when I, when I was doing my act, people used to come up to me and go, I love

01:07:43.740 what you do.

01:07:44.500 Women.

01:07:45.000 They're scared to say that.

01:07:45.920 I love parties.

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01:08:17.940 I love what you're doing.

01:08:20.380 Yeah.

01:08:20.900 But I don't think they do that no more, do they?

01:08:23.500 But that's, I used to hear that and I'd be like, what a freak show.

01:08:27.860 And then I'd go to the Midwest, you know, everybody's like in Iowa.

01:08:32.060 I mean, I love Iowa because I was thin there.

01:08:35.900 Oh yeah.

01:08:36.680 And they're all like, fuck yeah, let's go.

01:08:39.820 You're telling the truth.

01:08:41.500 Yeah.

01:08:41.740 Fuck them.

01:08:42.960 They're big, strong women.

01:08:44.600 But out in Hollywood, I love what you're saying.

01:08:47.780 They're scared.

01:08:48.520 Yeah.

01:08:49.020 They're scared.

01:08:50.580 They're scared of.

01:08:51.820 They're scared to be truthful.

01:08:52.780 They're scared of real women.

01:08:54.660 Yeah.

01:08:55.280 Ain't they?

01:08:56.180 Yeah.

01:08:56.720 We're scary.

01:08:57.420 We're powerful.

01:08:59.060 Rare.

01:08:59.460 We're some scary fucking.

01:09:00.400 We're scary as fuck.

01:09:01.300 We're scary as fuck.

01:09:01.840 Dude, if I watched a woman, if I didn't know what giving birth was and I watched a woman

01:09:05.400 give birth, I'd be like, that's a demon.

01:09:07.480 That's a demon.

01:09:08.360 Like, that's crazy.

01:09:09.860 Yeah.

01:09:10.160 That's crazy that that happened.

01:09:11.660 Or if I didn't know what that was, like the fact, women are insane.

01:09:15.420 They are.

01:09:15.660 In a good way.

01:09:16.480 Yeah.

01:09:16.800 Not always.

01:09:17.240 You don't ever want to, you don't ever want to go through that if you get the choice

01:09:21.040 of whether to do that or not, don't.

01:09:23.580 Really?

01:09:24.080 No.

01:09:24.220 Well, do you want to have kids?

01:09:24.660 Is it not worth it to be, I definitely want to have kids.

01:09:27.360 I don't know if I want to be pregnant.

01:09:28.860 It kind of grosses me out.

01:09:29.920 Yeah.

01:09:30.100 The whole process.

01:09:30.680 It's really gross.

01:09:31.260 You got to be pregnant though because you saw like, was it Khloe Kardashian that did the

01:09:35.040 surrogate?

01:09:35.500 She didn't have a bond with the baby at first.

01:09:37.480 Yeah.

01:09:37.960 Maybe ever.

01:09:39.040 You got to, I mean, that's just, I'm a man.

01:09:41.440 A lot of people don't bond with the kid they have too.

01:09:43.660 They don't have kids.

01:09:44.220 They throw it against the wall and kill it.

01:09:45.840 Yeah.

01:09:46.080 It's a good point.

01:09:46.940 Let's take the mystery out of the shit.

01:09:48.420 It's true.

01:09:49.240 People are fucking psychotic.

01:09:50.540 You have to want to do it.

01:09:52.060 Yeah.

01:09:52.540 Some people make good parents and some people, they just, you know, what does it matter?

01:09:57.320 We're all going to be dead soon.

01:09:58.600 We're all going to be fucking dead soon.

01:10:00.800 Dead as a fucking doorknob.

01:10:03.260 Dead.

01:10:03.460 No one's going to care.

01:10:04.860 How's it going to happen?

01:10:06.120 What do you put, 20 years or less?

01:10:09.180 Oh God, I think less.

01:10:11.160 I think we've got six hours.

01:10:13.760 We got to make that movie.

01:10:15.360 Yeah, we do.

01:10:16.420 We got to get on that movie.

01:10:17.200 We got to piss people off before we go.

01:10:19.080 Let's fucking drop a big fucking nugget.

01:10:22.260 Yeah.

01:10:22.600 I want to go out in a fit of rage.

01:10:25.900 I think that's a great, what's the most rage-filled thing you could say to end this psyop we've

01:10:35.100 been perpetrating on humanity this hour?

01:10:38.640 Conjoined twins were the original they-them's.

01:10:45.900 I think you're right.

01:10:49.080 Yeah.

01:10:49.780 They're the first ones.

01:10:52.420 It's their thing.

01:10:53.700 They're the they-them's.

01:10:54.960 And it should only be they-them.

01:10:57.380 There's two of them.

01:10:58.520 Yeah.

01:10:59.620 You didn't see when we were little.

01:11:02.740 Oh, but in Utah, you know, that wasn't that unusual.

01:11:06.240 Because of the embryo.

01:11:06.680 The conjoined twin thing in Salt Lake City.

01:11:09.480 Why?

01:11:10.300 It was so every day.

01:11:12.600 Ew, what do you mean you saw conjoined twins every day?

01:11:15.060 All the time in Salt Lake.

01:11:16.860 They have a lot of disabled people in Salt Lake.

01:11:18.440 All the time.

01:11:19.420 I got to tell you how unhinged it is that you both are casually telling me that there's

01:11:22.680 an-

01:11:22.800 I can't believe you don't know this.

01:11:23.500 Overconsumption of conjoined twins in Salt Lake City.

01:11:26.260 What the fuck is happening with the Mormons?

01:11:28.640 They're inbreeding.

01:11:29.140 I grew up.

01:11:29.940 No, I don't know what-

01:11:31.400 Well, they do marry their cousins like the Jews.

01:11:32.540 There's 40 of them in a desert 100 years ago, and now there's millions.

01:11:35.580 You don't get there without fucking your sister.

01:11:37.860 Well, it's the same dad and 40 wives.

01:11:39.440 It's an ancestry that gets them conjoined?

01:11:42.200 Well, I'm just telling you what I saw.

01:11:43.860 There's a lot of-

01:11:44.580 There was the Nelson conjoined twins when I grew up, and they was joined at the head.

01:11:51.120 See, a lot of them, another pair of them was conjoined at the chest, so they couldn't

01:11:56.520 separate them because there was only one heart between them.

01:12:00.100 Yeah.

01:12:00.420 So in order to separate them, they had to actually kill one of them.

01:12:05.560 So they just let them live that way, and they got along fine, you know?

01:12:09.960 They have to.

01:12:10.780 I know.

01:12:11.320 They didn't have any problems.

01:12:12.220 Jesus.

01:12:12.500 And they live to be like in their 20s.

01:12:15.100 They shouldn't.

01:12:15.560 We need some conjoined twin stand-ups.

01:12:18.520 A couple 20s.

01:12:18.940 I know.

01:12:19.200 That would definitely be-

01:12:20.960 They have two mics, and they're connected backwards at the head, and then they could have

01:12:24.680 different faces when they come around.

01:12:26.760 He said, she said.

01:12:28.020 One says the setup.

01:12:28.940 The other one does the punchline.

01:12:30.320 That'd be great.

01:12:31.200 That would really, really-

01:12:32.680 That would get me.

01:12:33.620 Everyone could be all scared.

01:12:34.960 That could go on America's Got Talent.

01:12:37.040 Simon Cowell would nut at seeing that.

01:12:40.220 That would be a big deal.

01:12:41.620 Yeah.

01:12:42.180 If that would ever happen.

01:12:44.520 We could probably make it happen, but that would be offensive, and it would be wrong.

01:12:49.760 It'd be hilarious.

01:12:50.800 It would be funny.

01:12:52.440 Oh, man.

01:12:53.180 I think the most offensive thing I could say is maybe we won't get lucky and die.

01:13:03.840 Yeah, we will have to live too.

01:13:04.920 Maybe we'll have to live.

01:13:06.220 Yeah.

01:13:06.740 Maybe we'll have to live like this forever.

01:13:09.840 Can I tell you, I have a theory-

01:13:11.560 What?

01:13:11.860 That this is really narcissistic.

01:13:15.100 That nobody else has ever existed.

01:13:18.140 We're the only ones.

01:13:19.240 It's all simulation.

01:13:20.600 History has been made up.

01:13:21.760 We're the only ones, and when we get old, we go back to the beginning and just start over.

01:13:26.620 You mean you're the only, just you?

01:13:28.220 Not even me, whoever's in this world, and maybe I created them, so they're real in my own mind

01:13:33.940 or whatever it is, but-

01:13:35.520 They're holograms that you created out of your perceptions and fears.

01:13:39.140 Yeah, maybe.

01:13:39.580 Maybe.

01:13:40.240 Whatever it is, I have a theory that by the time it's time to go, it's going to go back again,

01:13:45.640 and it just keeps going.

01:13:47.360 It's possible.

01:13:48.100 Possible and probable.

01:13:49.720 Because who knows?

01:13:51.760 Yeah, who does know?

01:13:53.740 This probably isn't even this.

01:13:55.860 No.

01:13:56.820 I could be hallucinating in a prison right now.

01:13:59.180 I could be with padded walls around me thinking I'm talking to Roseanne, and they're like,

01:14:02.420 she thinks she's with Roseanne again.

01:14:04.100 Poor girl.

01:14:04.440 That's kind of how I feel.

01:14:05.880 It's like, she thinks she is Roseanne.

01:14:08.420 You're not even Roseanne.

01:14:10.640 I am.

01:14:14.080 That's how fucking delusional she is.

01:14:16.880 Oh, God.

01:14:17.700 I know that'll be the way it ends for me at some point.

01:14:20.760 You just-

01:14:21.320 What it ends?

01:14:21.820 Or I'll be in a nut house, and they'll go, that fucking old fat bitch thinks she's Roseanne.

01:14:26.860 She's so fucking nuts.

01:14:29.200 She thinks she's Roseanne.

01:14:31.200 She's Roseanne.

01:14:31.960 As if the real Roseanne would ever sink that low.

01:14:37.440 Oh, my God.

01:14:38.400 And then they're like, poking me and putting me in the, I don't know.

01:14:45.520 I don't know.

01:14:46.740 Something horrifying.

01:14:48.000 Are you scared to die?

01:14:49.980 No, I'm not afraid to die, because I almost, you know, I'm not afraid of that.

01:14:54.080 I'm afraid of what happens just before.

01:14:56.820 If, here's my real thing.

01:14:59.540 If I was on a desert island, I'd have no fear.

01:15:02.940 But to have people that you're supposed to love and trust around you is my worst fear.

01:15:09.520 Because you think you're going to say something horrible?

01:15:11.600 Well, because you never know.

01:15:14.160 And that's their last chance to fuck with you.

01:15:19.380 That's their last fucking chance to fuck with you.

01:15:22.100 Like I told my son today, the one you met, I go, wait till you all fucking find out at

01:15:28.040 the reading of the will.

01:15:29.720 Oh, I don't think I won't have the last laugh.

01:15:34.220 But you're not going to do that because you want to be there when the will's red and everyone's

01:15:38.580 pissed.

01:15:38.880 So you're going to have to fake your death because you're not going to miss that.

01:15:41.420 There's no way you would miss that.

01:15:42.360 That's the movie I want to write.

01:15:43.980 And I kind of am writing about a woman that fakes her own death because she's tired of being

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01:17:18.800 I love that.

01:17:20.480 That's great.

01:17:21.320 I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

01:17:23.020 Yeah, I want to read to it.

01:17:24.080 Can you tell me a little without giving the...

01:17:26.320 He already did.

01:17:27.520 We just said cancel culture.

01:17:28.400 It's a female version of The Hangover.

01:17:30.300 Oh, I love it!

01:17:31.360 Yeah.

01:17:32.320 And instead...

01:17:32.960 I get to play the Mike Tyson part.

01:17:34.840 Yeah, please.

01:17:36.340 Definitely.

01:17:36.900 Please.

01:17:37.480 Please.

01:17:38.480 Yeah.

01:17:39.060 And instead of looking for a missing groom, we're looking for something that can get us

01:17:43.780 canceled.

01:17:44.940 That went missing.

01:17:46.800 Yeah.

01:17:47.120 I wonder what that is.

01:17:48.180 Oh my God.

01:17:48.880 That reminds me of when I had to give up an organ to get off the ABC reality show I was

01:17:56.420 on.

01:17:56.680 It's a true story.

01:17:56.840 Wait, what?

01:17:57.400 Yeah.

01:17:57.900 Yeah.

01:17:58.320 What organ?

01:17:59.460 I had to give up my uterus.

01:18:00.960 I had to demand that they take out my uterus so I could get off this ABC reality show.

01:18:07.320 This is a true story.

01:18:08.320 It's 100% true, Kim.

01:18:09.420 They had me on.

01:18:10.480 I was there.

01:18:10.860 Wait, why?

01:18:11.060 And then I went back to ABC after that.

01:18:15.360 That's very Jewish.

01:18:16.720 Isn't it?

01:18:17.620 Isn't it so fucking Jewish?

01:18:20.080 It is.

01:18:20.400 Well, you know, I forgive them.

01:18:23.220 Wow.

01:18:23.540 Why would you forgive Nazis?

01:18:25.940 Oh my goodness.

01:18:26.640 You stupid cow.

01:18:29.240 Oh my goodness.

01:18:29.500 This is my internal dialogue show.

01:18:32.460 I thought you were my mother talking to me.

01:18:34.040 Sorry.

01:18:35.680 But I had to give up a fucking organ.

01:18:39.180 Well, I'll just tell the story real quick.

01:18:40.940 We'll tell that another.

01:18:41.440 She was having problems.

01:18:43.560 It was the night the show aired and it didn't do well.

01:18:46.120 It got canceled like in three weeks.

01:18:47.360 But we already knew that the show wasn't going to do well and they were going to air

01:18:51.300 all 14 episodes and they did a really bad job.

01:18:54.300 So she went.

01:18:55.080 She was having complications.

01:18:55.860 I realized they were fucking me over.

01:18:57.280 And they wanted her to do all the press.

01:19:00.060 So we went to the doctor because she was bleeding and they said, you need to have a hysterectomy

01:19:03.340 but we can wait until the press tour is done.

01:19:06.040 We could do a DNC and put off your hysterectomy.

01:19:08.480 And mom said, can you do it?

01:19:09.840 Are you shitting me?

01:19:10.100 Can you do it Monday?

01:19:11.540 And get me out of it.

01:19:12.280 So she elected to have the surgery and then got out of the show.

01:19:15.260 All the press tour.

01:19:16.520 But she didn't have to.

01:19:17.780 Right.

01:19:18.280 She actually gave up organ.

01:19:19.660 Well, I was in my 50s and I didn't need any more.

01:19:21.620 She didn't need any more.

01:19:23.020 You know, God, I can't wait to get rid of mine.

01:19:25.480 I'm going to pop out a kid and get rid of mine because it causes a lot of issues to be honest.

01:19:30.020 Popping out a kid is a lifetime thing, girl.

01:19:32.740 I know.

01:19:33.160 Once you do it, it's not like a dog.

01:19:35.540 You can't take it to the shelter.

01:19:37.060 Well, I don't want a dog.

01:19:38.760 I have no urge for a dog.

01:19:40.280 Dogs are harder than babies.

01:19:40.760 I have no patience for dogs.

01:19:42.060 No, they're harder than kids.

01:19:42.980 I love kids.

01:19:43.820 I'm not crazy about pets.

01:19:45.220 Yeah.

01:19:45.520 I've always been like that.

01:19:46.440 And I like, I feel like if I don't have a kid, I will be missing out.

01:19:49.760 It's like, there's two things I've always wanted.

01:19:52.060 I didn't want to be a stand-up.

01:19:53.020 Okay, then you'll have to get a man.

01:19:54.540 You can't have a kid without a man.

01:19:56.620 That's what I, I know.

01:19:57.680 No, don't even try it.

01:19:59.460 Yeah, don't.

01:19:59.800 I know.

01:20:00.100 It looks like a nightmare without a man.

01:20:01.520 It looks like a nightmare.

01:20:02.420 It's not good for the kid either.

01:20:03.800 No, it's horrible for the kid.

01:20:05.160 So you've got to get a man and ask to be a strong man and not a pussy in disguise.

01:20:11.400 I could never be with a pussy, even in disguise or not.

01:20:15.280 I do not like the men that are now.

01:20:18.140 So you can't get nobody in Hollywood.

01:20:19.920 No, the last breakup I had, the guy, I had to break up with him because the motherfucker wanted to split a meal with me when he took me on a date.

01:20:26.660 I was like, are you fucking kidding me?

01:20:28.440 Are you kidding?

01:20:29.380 Are you kidding me?

01:20:30.500 So you're not a feminist.

01:20:31.300 And he was like, well, I just noticed a lot of times, especially since moving to LA, that a lot of the women expect you to pay for a date.

01:20:36.420 I'm like, yeah, your nails aren't done.

01:20:38.220 Your hair is not done.

01:20:39.020 You don't have a pussy that I can fuck.

01:20:41.960 Like, what are you bringing to me?

01:20:43.580 Yeah.

01:20:44.300 I'm like, you should just want to pay because it makes you feel good because you're a man.

01:20:47.940 You do know that.

01:20:48.640 It should make you feel good to buy a woman a meal.

01:20:50.640 It should make you feel like, like I'm a man.

01:20:53.060 I provided this woman with a meal.

01:20:54.820 If not, like you're like, something's wrong biologically.

01:20:58.360 There's something going on.

01:20:59.480 I agree.

01:20:59.880 But I'll tell you, as a man that grew up in the 80s and post-feminism, like we've also been told as men, like, don't do this.

01:21:05.400 It's offensive.

01:21:05.920 Everything's offensive.

01:21:06.560 You want to be sensitive.

01:21:07.880 And a lot of us bought that shit.

01:21:09.180 I'm straight up.

01:21:10.080 And a lot of them are just assholes.

01:21:12.260 Well, they say they like feminism, so then let them pay.

01:21:16.680 A lot of them are just assholes.

01:21:17.220 Well, that's because they're cheap and they were like, thank God.

01:21:19.540 They're cheap assholes.

01:21:20.600 That's why I was pro-feminism, so I wouldn't have to.

01:21:23.520 Yeah, they're just cheap assholes.

01:21:25.260 Yeah, no, I want a guy to provide so much that when we break up, I have nothing.

01:21:29.260 You don't even know how to take care of yourself?

01:21:30.680 Like the olden days, you know?

01:21:31.400 I want to be left with nothing because I had to do nothing for the last three years.

01:21:34.600 And that's worth.

01:21:35.680 I dated a guy once.

01:21:37.360 He paid for everything.

01:21:38.320 When we broke up, I had nothing.

01:21:39.560 But I was like, the last three years were awesome.

01:21:41.520 Yeah.

01:21:42.420 Who needs nothing?

01:21:43.360 I started over.

01:21:44.260 It was awesome.

01:21:44.800 Well, yeah, I got on the other side of that where I was like, fuck, that's where I started

01:21:51.340 hating women.

01:21:52.840 Yeah.

01:21:53.080 Well, that's what I'm getting at.

01:21:54.020 It was like my son said, I really hate women.

01:21:55.820 Once I was on the losing side of the divorce, the moneymaker, and seeing how that shit goes.

01:22:02.740 And like with the child custody stuff, too, is really unfair for men.

01:22:07.360 It's horrible.

01:22:07.760 Oh, it's horrible.

01:22:08.840 Yeah, it's really sad.

01:22:09.820 So it's just all a yank.

01:22:11.580 Everything's a fucking yank.

01:22:12.820 I like that the new thing about my acting, you know, I see young women doing it, is just

01:22:22.420 making fun of women.

01:22:25.000 It's so the right thing, the great thing.

01:22:28.000 I love it.

01:22:28.700 Yeah.

01:22:29.000 We're very funny and funny to make fun of.

01:22:31.800 Yeah.

01:22:32.160 We're so crazy.

01:22:33.060 And no more of that sisterhood horseshit.

01:22:36.080 No, you guys need to call each other out.

01:22:37.880 Yeah, right.

01:22:38.400 We need to call women out.

01:22:39.160 Because we can't do it.

01:22:40.120 I do it all the time, and everyone just gets mad at me.

01:22:42.180 Well, because you have no right.

01:22:45.100 No, I have.

01:22:46.800 I'm the only one that does have a right.

01:22:48.420 I have to date women.

01:22:49.880 I'm a man.

01:22:50.600 I'm the one that has to put up with your bullshit.

01:22:52.160 You guys aren't nearly as fucked up to each other as you are to the person you're in a

01:22:54.780 relationship with.

01:22:55.740 I would suggest you watch what you're saying to me.

01:22:59.840 He weighed almost 10 pounds.

01:23:01.480 Oh, she does this every podcast.

01:23:03.000 Almost 10 pounds.

01:23:04.340 Oh, God.

01:23:04.500 Well, I'm talking about dating.

01:23:05.520 I'm saying crazy women.

01:23:06.480 I mean, he doesn't have a right to open his mouth to me when he came out weighing 10 pounds.

01:23:11.320 10 pounds is crazy.

01:23:12.400 It was.

01:23:13.000 I didn't do it.

01:23:13.880 He doesn't have the right.

01:23:14.720 Not my fault.

01:23:15.660 He don't have the right to say, ever correct me.

01:23:18.840 You ate too much.

01:23:19.660 Stand in.

01:23:20.440 Correct me.

01:23:21.100 Nothing.

01:23:21.620 He don't have that right.

01:23:22.640 No.

01:23:22.980 I'm just saying.

01:23:23.660 Those are rights for a seven-pound baby.

01:23:25.360 I'm sorry.

01:23:26.120 Who do you think, when a woman's crazy, who do you think is victimized from her craziness

01:23:31.120 more?

01:23:31.480 A man or a woman?

01:23:32.320 Her children?

01:23:33.600 Yeah.

01:23:34.600 Absolutely her children.

01:23:36.060 Her son.

01:23:36.720 What if she doesn't?

01:23:37.220 I think everyone around her.

01:23:38.720 Yeah.

01:23:39.200 I think everyone around her, including herself.

01:23:40.760 Her sons get a particular punishment, but what she does to her daughters, oh, my God.

01:23:46.500 You really fuck up your daughters.

01:23:48.460 You do.

01:23:48.740 Because you're like, bitch, don't you, you know.

01:23:52.140 And then they're just bitches.

01:23:54.320 Yeah.

01:23:54.560 Your daughters are nothing but dirty bitches.

01:23:56.760 I wish I was smart enough to go into the psyche of whatever happens between a mother

01:24:01.220 and a daughter.

01:24:01.680 It is sick and twisted and like this deep connection where you.

01:24:06.620 Because there's two women.

01:24:07.300 It feels the same.

01:24:07.960 You know when I said being a comedian feels like narcissism and self-hatred?

01:24:11.640 That feels like the same relationship.

01:24:13.480 It is.

01:24:13.840 My mother, like we could be getting along great and she could take a sip of my drink

01:24:19.140 and piss me off.

01:24:20.040 I'm like, why?

01:24:20.760 Like, I don't know what it is.

01:24:22.040 It's like this weird competitive trigger thing.

01:24:25.100 Trigger thing.

01:24:25.920 When you're two women.

01:24:26.200 And then there's this guilt after where you're like, she's going to die one day.

01:24:29.740 And then you're like, well, this is her fault too.

01:24:32.860 I got to tell you, the happiest thing happened to me.

01:24:36.400 What?

01:24:36.820 It's starting to happen and I knew it would.

01:24:39.620 My daughter that you remind me of, she had a daughter and I knew.

01:24:45.200 It was going to happen.

01:24:46.080 I knew she's going to get hers.

01:24:48.720 My mom tells me that.

01:24:49.420 Oh, yeah.

01:24:50.620 So the daughter says, I said, I'm going to go over there and visit, you know.

01:24:56.920 And the little girl says to her mom, my daughter, oh, I can't wait till she gets here because

01:25:03.760 I need a break from you.

01:25:07.200 Oh, my God.

01:25:08.160 My heart swolled.

01:25:09.860 It swolled in joy.

01:25:11.560 Oh, I knew I lived a life for that.

01:25:15.940 I heard it comes back harder to you.

01:25:17.720 Oh, so great.

01:25:18.780 How fun.

01:25:19.780 Well, I hope I have a daughter.

01:25:22.680 Yeah, but.

01:25:23.340 Over a son, I think.

01:25:24.400 I mean, there's a lot.

01:25:26.540 But there's something about having a daughter in my head.

01:25:28.780 I'm like, I want to sculpt them to be like cooler than me.

01:25:31.080 Like, I feel like I'm pretty cool.

01:25:32.660 Yeah, you do.

01:25:33.180 You kind of do.

01:25:34.020 You can't help it.

01:25:34.960 You want to fix yourself in them.

01:25:36.520 Yeah, you try, but then they end up a fucking psychotic, neurotic, fucking fat asshole just

01:25:44.380 like you.

01:25:45.020 That's what the tension is.

01:25:46.060 You want to fix yourself, and then when it doesn't work, you get frustrated with each

01:25:49.620 other.

01:25:50.080 Yeah, because they turn out just like you.

01:25:52.440 And they're already you anyway, so they're like, why are you even trying?

01:25:54.880 They hate you, and then they know you.

01:25:56.960 They hate themselves.

01:25:57.720 They know they are you.

01:25:59.260 Yeah.

01:25:59.720 It's too much karma.

01:26:01.240 It's a lot.

01:26:02.000 The whole thing is a lot.

01:26:03.300 Please.

01:26:04.180 Can we have some answers?

01:26:05.080 I'm done with the fucking mystery.

01:26:08.380 I bet you, I bet you and me could do a, I should, we should do this another time, but

01:26:13.220 I wrote a sketch.

01:26:15.000 We should do, I would ask you to do that sketch with me.

01:26:17.980 I would love to.

01:26:18.600 It's a mother-daughter sketch about kind of this exact thing we're talking about, but it's

01:26:24.960 like, yeah, I wrote a sitcom.

01:26:29.480 I don't want to do it, but they're trying to make me do it anyway.

01:26:33.980 I'm down.

01:26:35.080 Uh, I don't know.

01:26:36.300 I'll never do it.

01:26:37.800 Don't do it.

01:26:38.460 They're trying to make me do it.

01:26:38.900 I don't want, I'm not.

01:26:39.660 But it's such a good scene because it's a mother, a daughter, and a granddaughter.

01:26:44.280 You could do sketches.

01:26:45.600 I just want to do sketches.

01:26:46.480 Yeah, do a five minute short.

01:26:47.500 I could never do the same thing every week for 10 fucking years again.

01:26:53.220 I never could do that.

01:26:54.180 I want to do it so bad.

01:26:55.560 You do?

01:26:55.860 The sitcom?

01:26:56.220 Well, you know, I did a little bit of-

01:26:58.020 Well, if you're going to have a kid, you would.

01:26:59.360 I really want to act.

01:27:00.540 It's the first thing I ever wanted to do was be an actor.

01:27:03.900 And so I'm like, I really want to.

01:27:05.060 I've been auditioning lately and I love it.

01:27:07.820 Oh, that's so cool.

01:27:09.160 Love it.

01:27:09.680 It's so fun and it's like, I thought stand-up was the only thing I'm good at.

01:27:13.580 And I'm pretty self-aware.

01:27:14.700 I know when I'm bad at something and I can recognize if it's for fun or if I want to do it.

01:27:19.540 I feel like I am such a good actor.

01:27:22.400 Oh, that's cool.

01:27:23.600 And I think part of it is probably being a sociopath.

01:27:25.620 Absolutely.

01:27:26.260 Right, exactly.

01:27:27.320 Not until I started acting.

01:27:28.620 For me, it's really hard for me to see other people's perspectives, I think, sometimes.

01:27:35.200 And when I'm acting, a lot of people are like, oh, when I'm acting, I get to be somebody else.

01:27:39.060 I'm like, no, when I'm acting, I get to be myself but this person.

01:27:43.700 And I didn't even know how to be that.

01:27:45.720 And the character taught me how to be a different version of myself.

01:27:49.800 It's like, it doesn't change me.

01:27:51.120 No.

01:27:51.500 It's still like your own feelings.

01:27:52.560 It's very interesting.

01:27:53.800 It is.

01:27:54.280 It's fun.

01:27:54.940 It's fun.

01:27:57.920 Well.

01:27:58.680 Well.

01:27:59.040 You'll have to come back.

01:28:00.280 I'll come back.

01:28:01.180 I loved having you.

01:28:02.720 This was so fun.

01:28:03.800 Thank you for coming.

01:28:04.800 This is a dream come true.

01:28:06.480 Thank you.

01:28:06.960 I love the respect you pay my mother.

01:28:08.860 I've always wanted to tell you that.

01:28:10.300 She's awesome.

01:28:11.200 I mean, this is really cool for me.

01:28:14.320 This is one of the coolest things I've ever done.

01:28:16.100 Thank you very much.

01:28:17.280 You're very sweet.

01:28:18.500 And we'll talk in nice shoes.

01:28:22.240 Thank you.

01:28:22.720 Thank you.

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The Roseanne Barr Podcast - December 14, 2023

Roseanne artificially inseminates Kim Congdon ｜ The Roseanne Barr Podcast #026

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