The Roseanne Barr Podcast - December 14, 2023


Roseanne artificially inseminates Kim Congdon ｜ The Roseanne Barr Podcast #026

Topics
being authentic embarrassment as punishment overalls connections made pool cancel culture
Hosted by
Roseanne Barr
Mentioned
Roseanne Kill Tony Mitzi Paula Poundstone Phyllis Diller Alex Scarlatos Alan Stevens Betty Boop Blackjack Roulette Reagan Puerto Ricans Mercedes Carrera Khloe Kardashian Pamela Anderson Sarah Weinshank Childless Milf Elaine Boosler Julio Iglesias Louie Anderson and 24 more
Live from the bedroom! ｜ The Roseanne Barr Podcast #025 Dr. Drew tells Roseanne she is dead inside ｜ The Roseanne Barr Podcast #027

Episode Stats


Length

1 hour and 29 minutes

Words per minute

197.07

Word count

17,585

Sentence count

2,493

Harmful content

Misogyny

162

sentences flagged

Toxicity

570

sentences flagged

Hate speech

104

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Kim Congdon is a stand-up comic, writer, and all-around hilarious human being. She's funny, smart, and smart as hell. And she's also got Tourette's, which makes her even funnier. In this episode, we discuss how to deal with your mental illness, and how it's a curse and a blessing at the same time, and why you need to learn to use it to your advantage. You're in good hands with Kim Congdon, and you're not going to want to miss this one! If you don't know who Kim is, then you're in for a treat. Kim is the perfect guest to discuss mental illness and comedy, and she's here to talk about it with you, the audience. She's also here to tell you all about her own mental illness. And you're gonna love her for it. You don't have to be a comedian to be funny, you have to have a mental illness to have the ability to laugh at it, right? Kim is here to teach you how to manage it, because she's got it all, and it's not a curse or a disease, it's just a disease. And it's okay to laugh about it, you can do it, baby girl. Thank you for being funny and smart and being smart and funny and being a bitch and being kind and being cool and being an overall beautiful human being, you deserve to be the best version of yourself. Enjoy this one. -William Woodhams, CEO of Fitstairs, the world's oldest bookmaker and sportsbook betting company, and we're here to help you win at hockey and have a good time at it. Go to fitstairs.ca/FITTERTSGAYLETS/FATTSETTERING/PODCAST/PATREON/HAPPY HAPPY THANK YOU FOR LISTENING TO THIS EPISODE OF THE PODCAST AND WELL-FAST AND GIVING YOU A FRIENDSOME SUPPORTED AND ENJOYING IT ATTRACTIVITY AND FAST FOLLOWING IT? -AND YESTERDAYS AND KIM'SOME OTHER THAN THAT'S WHAT'S GOOD ENOUGH TO DO SOMETHING FUN! -FATTERING TO DO THAT AND MORE AND MORE OF THAN JUST THAT AND OTHER THINGS THAT DON'T DO THAT?

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 I hate hockey. Seriously, I can't stand it.
00:00:03.720 I'm William Woodham, CEO of the British-born sportsbook Fitstairs.
00:00:07.080 We've been over in Ontario for over a year now.
00:00:09.880 We haven't made a loony from hockey.
00:00:11.960 It's impossible to outsmart Canadians on the ice.
00:00:14.640 So at Fitstairs, the world's oldest bookmaker,
00:00:17.040 play with us on anything, anything except hockey.
00:00:19.880 With our world-class casino and 150 years of experience,
00:00:23.160 you're in great hands.
00:00:24.280 So stop pucking around.
00:00:25.760 Go to fitstairs.ca.
00:00:27.260 19+, Ontario only. Please play responsibly.
00:00:30.600 Greetings, humans and earthlings.
00:00:35.060 I'm excited to have you here with me
00:00:38.700 to discuss female comedy genius,
00:00:44.420 which the world needs to be so much more aware of
00:00:49.000 as it is the only hope for the future of humanity.
00:00:53.920 And my guest is the perfect guest to discuss that with me,
00:00:57.600 Kim Congdon.
00:00:59.320 Yeah, you got it.
00:01:00.500 I said it right.
00:01:01.320 No one ever gets it.
00:01:02.920 Yeah, it's an unusual name.
00:01:04.860 Welcome to the podcast.
00:01:06.340 Thank you for having me. 0.95
00:01:07.400 This is fucking awesome. 0.96
00:01:09.240 Now we're going to cut to the... 0.98
00:01:11.020 There's no cut?
00:01:12.160 Oh, I thought you did that.
00:01:13.420 That guy comes in.
00:01:14.720 So you see...
00:01:15.720 Oh, yeah, but I do that in Hitler. 0.94
00:01:17.980 My patience is wearing thin 1.00
00:01:20.540 In this synthetic bullshit fucking world 1.00
00:01:25.420 We're living in 1.00
00:01:28.000 Listen, I love you and I wanted to go right into the first night I ever met you.
00:01:40.260 It was at the magical vortex, otherworldliness of Mitzi Shore's karmic comedy store on Sunset Boulevard. 0.81
00:01:52.560 Yes, yeah.
00:01:53.780 It was...
00:01:54.620 What a night.
00:01:55.820 I was so excited when you were there and I tried to be really cool about it.
00:02:00.600 And...
00:02:00.760 I thought you were really cool.
00:02:02.320 I'm glad you thought because I stalked you to the back.
00:02:04.940 I saw you go back there.
00:02:05.820 I said, I'm going to let her get a little high and then I'm going to go say hello. 1.00
00:02:08.840 I'm going to let her get stoned first and then I'm going to say hello. 1.00
00:02:12.200 But I wanted to say hi to you so bad.
00:02:13.820 I've been a fan forever.
00:02:15.580 And we were talking about this earlier. 0.96
00:02:17.860 Comedians are narcissistic.
00:02:19.100 So I've always been like, she's just like me.
00:02:21.280 I love her.
00:02:22.560 I love her.
00:02:23.460 That's how you know if somebody's really funny.
00:02:26.040 Hey, they remind me of me.
00:02:28.500 Exactly.
00:02:29.820 Exactly.
00:02:30.440 Pure narcissism.
00:02:31.840 Pure narcissism.
00:02:32.660 Doesn't that, isn't that what makes a comic?
00:02:35.060 Yeah, it is.
00:02:36.220 It's a crazy thing.
00:02:36.820 It's like, it's like if narcissism and self-hatred had a baby.
00:02:41.840 Yeah.
00:02:42.320 That's what a comedian is.
00:02:43.660 Yeah, exactly. 1.00
00:02:45.140 I said it's like a fucking virus or something. 0.99
00:02:48.360 I said it's a curse, but it's also a blessing because you can't stop it. 0.99
00:02:52.300 You always have to have the snappy thing. 0.99
00:02:54.780 If you get slapped a million fucking times, it don't stop. 0.99
00:02:58.320 I know. 1.00
00:02:58.540 It's always a, yeah, you think so.
00:03:00.340 Are you, and it comes out the snappy comeback.
00:03:03.020 Yeah, I know.
00:03:04.600 I know.
00:03:04.820 It's a virus.
00:03:05.880 I know.
00:03:06.460 It just is so natural.
00:03:07.780 And to hold it in feels like you're going to get ill.
00:03:11.360 If I have to hold an opinion about someone, I'm like, oh God, I think about it and I really
00:03:16.080 have to let it go.
00:03:16.780 I think it's also, you were right.
00:03:17.900 It's a little bit of, we probably have all a little OCD where the thought we have in our
00:03:22.040 head, we have to put it out.
00:03:23.520 That sounds like Tourette's.
00:03:24.900 More like Tourette's.
00:03:25.060 It is a Tourette's thing.
00:03:26.280 Yeah, something like that.
00:03:27.200 Yeah, because I found out I do have Tourette's.
00:03:29.560 Oh, really?
00:03:30.040 Yeah, because all mental illness is on a scale like autism.
00:03:33.780 Is that the excuse you used to just say the N word on this podcast?
00:03:37.280 No.
00:03:37.380 Pretty much.
00:03:37.900 I have a medical Tourette's.
00:03:40.460 My doctor says I can't help it.
00:03:42.640 No, but then there's the issue of knowing that you're taking your life in your hands.
00:03:47.960 Yeah.
00:03:48.220 So then you don't really have that severe a case of Tourette's.
00:03:53.340 Right. 1.00
00:03:53.960 However, I do, but I refuse to be triggered by the fascist fucking government that wants 1.00
00:04:02.940 to trigger me so they can take my life. 1.00
00:04:05.940 Hence, I keep my mental illness on the scale. 0.97
00:04:09.840 You see? 0.99
00:04:10.140 Yeah, you got to control your mental illness. 0.99
00:04:12.280 At being a comic. 0.99
00:04:13.400 Yeah. 1.00
00:04:13.700 Now, it's one thing to be a crazy bitch, but to be a crazy bitch and a comedian, that's 1.00
00:04:20.960 out of hand. 1.00
00:04:21.880 Oh, God.
00:04:22.820 I can't think of anything least attractive for a straight man.
00:04:26.120 It's a woman with a microphone who amplifies her own voice and has strong opinions. 1.00
00:04:32.300 It's so unattractive.
00:04:33.460 I'm so scared I'll never get married.
00:04:35.600 Never.
00:04:36.200 Never do.
00:04:37.280 Don't try it.
00:04:37.500 You got married like five times, Mom.
00:04:39.580 Huh?
00:04:39.900 Yeah, you did it.
00:04:40.880 Well, but that was before I was famous, though.
00:04:43.600 No.
00:04:44.220 Two of them were after.
00:04:44.860 I only had one child post-fame.
00:04:47.960 But you had two husbands. 1.00
00:04:48.660 Ironically, he's the most balanced.
00:04:51.180 That's interesting.
00:04:52.400 But that's because I created him in the test tube, which brings me to the night we met at
00:04:57.040 the comedy store.
00:04:58.080 Yes.
00:04:58.460 And I said, I don't know what brought it up, but we ended up...
00:05:04.220 I knew that I had known you.
00:05:07.160 I got the feeling like I knew you.
00:05:10.580 So I don't even remember.
00:05:13.760 I remember.
00:05:14.320 You asked me how old I was.
00:05:15.640 Uh-huh.
00:05:15.860 And we mentioned you...
00:05:16.900 And then you had your kids with you that night.
00:05:19.300 And then I think you asked if we had kids.
00:05:21.220 Do you guys have any kids?
00:05:22.380 And I said, no, I want some, but I need to freeze my eggs.
00:05:25.300 I can't afford them.
00:05:26.020 And I just straight up said, can I have one of yours?
00:05:27.920 Or you said, I have eggs.
00:05:29.080 I do have eggs.
00:05:30.300 I said, I have six on ice.
00:05:32.380 I said, that sounds like you only need five.
00:05:34.620 I'll take one.
00:05:35.840 Yeah.
00:05:36.320 You don't need six.
00:05:37.420 Yeah.
00:05:37.980 And I told you, you could have one of my fertilized eggs if you really wanted to have a child.
00:05:45.800 You could have one of my fertilized eggs.
00:05:48.840 And I might take her up on it.
00:05:50.140 The next podcast episode we're doing, we're implanting the egg inside of me.
00:05:55.120 So keep a lookout.
00:05:55.840 We used to do that back in the 70s.
00:05:59.040 All the lesbians in the collective I was in, I was in a woman's collective. 1.00
00:06:03.380 Wait, were you a lesbian at some point? 0.93
00:06:04.960 No, I was the housewife then.
00:06:06.920 They let straight women in then. 1.00
00:06:09.660 But we made the horrible mistake, the straight women, the mothers, we made the horrible mistake 0.97
00:06:14.880 and let more than two lesbians in and they took over. 1.00
00:06:19.220 Oh, yeah. 1.00
00:06:19.660 They're like rabbits.
00:06:21.460 They take over and push you out.
00:06:23.420 Yeah.
00:06:23.560 But then we were, we kind of had everybody, but they drove everybody out with their, you 1.00
00:06:31.480 know, what are they used to, that's where it all started, the politically correct horse 0.99
00:06:36.900 shit. 0.99
00:06:37.600 That's why I'm a comic. 1.00
00:06:39.020 It was always against that.
00:06:41.440 They told me, you can't tell your jokes.
00:06:44.680 Can you say the word lover instead of husband?
00:06:47.920 Yeah.
00:06:49.080 That's what they said to me when I was doing my act on stage. 0.99
00:06:52.780 Like I wasn't going through enough shit where no man would let me on any fucking stage. 0.99
00:06:57.660 You see what I'm saying? 1.00
00:06:58.980 Yeah. 0.99
00:06:59.240 But then the bitches that are supposed to be on my side go, can you not say husband? 1.00
00:07:04.380 Can you say lover? 1.00
00:07:05.760 Or we can't allow you stage time here. 1.00
00:07:08.340 I go, you fascist bitch. 1.00
00:07:10.320 You fucking just the same. 1.00
00:07:12.360 I'll say what I fucking want to say. 0.99
00:07:14.820 Oh God, it is, it is a blessing and a curse not to have a filter. 0.98
00:07:18.620 I, you know how many meetings I've been in with like, like big, you know, the networks
00:07:22.860 and stuff and I'll pitch something and they'll go like, oh, we're just like looking for something
00:07:27.240 more like with social justice.
00:07:29.100 And I go, oh, all right.
00:07:30.540 More unfunny TV.
00:07:31.800 I'll just say it.
00:07:32.900 I was like, there's already so many good things out.
00:07:35.140 Keep doing that.
00:07:35.900 That's working. 1.00
00:07:36.980 TV sucks. 0.99
00:07:38.020 Have you seen TV? 1.00
00:07:39.160 That's horrible.
00:07:39.720 There is nothing good.
00:07:41.100 I can't watch the shows anymore. 0.94
00:07:43.040 It's like, I, I, I don't really give a fuck what people do personally with their own lives. 0.86
00:07:48.780 I, and it's not even like, I'm trying to be like, I don't care what people do. 0.96
00:07:51.940 Be you.
00:07:52.540 I could care if you live or die. 1.00
00:07:54.480 Like I don't give a fuck. 1.00
00:07:56.040 So I don't care what people do, but like to push, to push the shit so far to where it 0.99
00:08:01.380 feels unnatural and forced. 0.99
00:08:04.480 It's like, it's making for bad TV. 0.95
00:08:06.020 We don't need like two, uh, two lesbian cops, one black, one white named the fosters who 1.00
00:08:12.680 are fostering children. 0.99
00:08:14.080 And like, like, and one of them is trans and the other one's dating like a drag queen. 1.00
00:08:19.160 Like we don't need the episode to be like that.
00:08:21.500 It could be a little bit of everything.
00:08:23.160 Yeah.
00:08:23.580 We could, we could put, throw it in like a seasoning every once in a while.
00:08:28.180 Right.
00:08:28.840 I agree. 0.99
00:08:29.560 People deserve to have freaky trans sex if they want to, but like, let's not oversaturate 1.00
00:08:34.000 the market with anything. 0.98
00:08:35.700 It's just all about the outraged television by the outraged.
00:08:41.000 People overcompensate with every opinion they have.
00:08:44.440 If you just like were just chill, add your opinion and just kind of didn't care, we'd
00:08:48.220 all be fine.
00:08:49.040 Yeah.
00:08:49.260 But everybody is like, this is the thing and it's only that.
00:08:52.080 Right.
00:08:52.720 And so I'm like, who cares? 0.98
00:08:54.280 It's the lesbians. 1.00
00:08:55.540 I'm telling you. 0.97
00:08:56.360 It's nothing, but they don't think nothing's funny. 1.00
00:08:59.680 My sister's a fucking lesbian. 1.00
00:09:01.900 Mine too. 1.00
00:09:02.800 Is she?
00:09:03.460 Yeah.
00:09:03.800 They don't hardly think nothing's funny.
00:09:07.960 They're known for not having a sense of humor.
00:09:09.920 They're against humor.
00:09:10.120 You're not the first to say that.
00:09:11.500 Some of them are still my fans and they come up and they say, thank God for you, Roseanne,
00:09:17.260 because I'm never going to go with a mother kind.
00:09:20.620 You know, we understand humor and freedom of speech.
00:09:24.240 Yeah. 0.99
00:09:24.560 We're not fucking Nazis like them. 0.99
00:09:27.160 Yeah. 0.99
00:09:27.520 And you look at them and they all look like, what's her name with the pink hair? 1.00
00:09:31.200 It looks like a fucking Nazi. 1.00
00:09:32.880 Oh, yeah. 1.00
00:09:33.700 With pink hair and a pussy hat. 1.00
00:09:36.360 And my daughter, the pussy hat thing. 1.00
00:09:39.140 Oh, this is the best joke I ever wrote. 0.99
00:09:42.040 Tell me.
00:09:42.620 Okay.
00:09:43.200 Okay.
00:09:44.300 Oh, my God. 1.00
00:09:45.160 I go, looking back when y'all were in the street with them pussy hats, little dad, you all fucking were transphobic because not every woman has a pussy. 1.00
00:10:01.780 Pussy, you transphobic bitching. 1.00
00:10:05.060 Right? 1.00
00:10:05.500 Yeah.
00:10:05.940 Am I right? 1.00
00:10:06.640 It should have been pussy dick hats. 1.00
00:10:08.020 You're right. 1.00
00:10:09.080 There was nobody walking around with a big old dick on their head. 1.00
00:10:12.680 No one. 1.00
00:10:13.260 Except me.
00:10:13.900 And I did that video years ago where I actually got one of those rubber dicks that they wear.
00:10:22.660 I filmed that.
00:10:23.860 Yeah.
00:10:24.380 Yeah.
00:10:24.560 This is the most traumatizing. 0.99
00:10:25.500 She's a lesbian. 1.00
00:10:26.020 All her friends are lesbians. 0.99
00:10:28.020 So quite a few of them have appendages. 1.00
00:10:31.780 It's no fucking big deal. 0.98
00:10:34.280 What do you mean? 0.99
00:10:35.180 Huh? 0.99
00:10:35.300 Oh, you mean like sex toy appendages? 0.99
00:10:37.500 Are you talking like... 1.00
00:10:38.300 Trans men.
00:10:39.620 Oh, yeah. 1.00
00:10:39.800 It's no fucking big deal. 0.97
00:10:41.120 Half of my rabbis up there in Marin County. 0.99
00:10:44.840 So do you feel like out of like all the people that are comedy fans, lesbians get the most offended? 1.00
00:10:50.800 Yes.
00:10:51.720 Yes.
00:10:52.200 They are the hardest to make laugh unless they're drunk.
00:10:55.700 But when they're drunk, they are the best audience.
00:10:59.600 And that is why I charge them so much. 1.00
00:11:03.020 I think it's white women that are the worst. 1.00
00:11:05.360 White women right now are the worst. 1.00
00:11:08.080 The Karens? 1.00
00:11:08.460 The Karens. 1.00
00:11:09.300 White women are the worst. 1.00
00:11:09.920 For me, my worst audiences have always been like when I do shows at like Soho houses. 0.99
00:11:14.000 Yeah.
00:11:15.040 You know, like those shows, like really rich young elites.
00:11:19.980 Ugh. 1.00
00:11:21.100 Disgusting. 1.00
00:11:21.660 They are. 1.00
00:11:22.080 They're horrible.
00:11:22.360 They'll come up to you after a show and be like, I really liked your set, but I just
00:11:25.940 have a quick note.
00:11:27.180 Oh, no.
00:11:28.620 Are you talking about women?
00:11:30.200 Yeah.
00:11:30.780 Yeah. 1.00
00:11:31.260 And I was like, get out of my fucking face. 1.00
00:11:34.720 Like, what are you talking about? 1.00
00:11:36.580 What are the notes like?
00:11:37.680 Is it like the same note?
00:11:38.660 I won't even hear them.
00:11:39.660 I'm like, stop talking to me immediately.
00:11:41.780 I don't want one note.
00:11:43.060 Isn't it crazy?
00:11:44.060 Yeah.
00:11:44.880 It's crazy.
00:11:45.960 I don't want a note from you.
00:11:47.040 You've never had a job.
00:11:48.900 Yeah.
00:11:49.360 Well, that's why.
00:11:50.260 That's why they're so bored. 1.00
00:11:51.660 This is the shit they come up with because they're not working. 1.00
00:11:53.780 Yeah. 1.00
00:11:54.140 That's what it is.
00:11:54.880 Can we just go back to the egg thing?
00:11:56.580 Because I think you guys brushed over.
00:11:57.620 It's also what we said.
00:11:58.620 This is a big deal.
00:11:59.040 It's also what we said.
00:11:59.440 Yeah. 1.00
00:11:59.620 It's bitch on bitch crime. 1.00
00:12:01.880 It is bitch on bitch crime, which is why I like that we united and you're giving me 1.00
00:12:05.860 one of your eggs. 0.99
00:12:06.480 This is really happening.
00:12:07.000 That's women empowerment. 1.00
00:12:08.220 Yeah.
00:12:08.360 That's right.
00:12:08.720 That's women empowerment. 1.00
00:12:09.920 I'm going to-
00:12:10.220 You guys are really doing this, right?
00:12:11.640 I want to have Roseanne's baby.
00:12:12.760 Are you really into this?
00:12:13.660 Because I'm being serious.
00:12:14.840 I don't think it's a joke.
00:12:15.660 I'm kind of into the thought of-
00:12:17.540 Well, she would nurture the- 0.91
00:12:20.040 You know, because I went to a lot of expense to create those-
00:12:24.280 Let's do a contract.
00:12:25.040 And I'm Puerto Rican, so I would just love a free egg.
00:12:30.540 You know it's fertilized, though.
00:12:32.080 You didn't know that when you got here. 0.97
00:12:33.080 I didn't know it came with cum on it. 0.98
00:12:34.580 Yeah. 0.98
00:12:34.940 It's pre-cum.
00:12:35.600 It's already a human.
00:12:37.100 Yeah.
00:12:37.920 Is it STD tested?
00:12:39.380 Yeah.
00:12:39.680 Yeah.
00:12:39.960 It's all tested.
00:12:40.560 It's all fine.
00:12:41.100 That's why I introduced you to my son, because they're his siblings.
00:12:43.980 It's going to be his brother.
00:12:45.500 It'll look just like him.
00:12:46.440 Yeah.
00:12:46.780 Or sister.
00:12:47.540 Yeah.
00:12:47.880 Whatever.
00:12:48.600 Are you still into it there?
00:12:49.660 I'm still into it.
00:12:50.760 Yeah, he's cute.
00:12:51.760 He's really cute.
00:12:52.360 No, he's very cute.
00:12:53.200 But did you want-
00:12:54.080 You wanted to meet a man and have a kid with a man?
00:12:55.820 Because he's half Norwegian.
00:12:57.940 I was wanting to meet a man for the- 0.99
00:13:00.720 The cum. 0.99
00:13:01.340 Yeah. 0.95
00:13:01.700 Yeah.
00:13:01.880 But what's the father?
00:13:04.140 What are the genetics here?
00:13:05.860 Okay, Norwegian.
00:13:06.980 Yeah.
00:13:07.160 I don't really know what that is.
00:13:09.460 Switzerland, you're there?
00:13:11.220 His IQ is probably 85.
00:13:12.660 Norway, Finland.
00:13:14.000 It's in the high 80s.
00:13:14.960 Yeah, yeah.
00:13:15.600 White. 0.81
00:13:15.760 They were called the Enfants in the Russian Revolution.
00:13:19.660 They called them the Enfants.
00:13:21.640 Okay.
00:13:22.060 Which meant the soldiers.
00:13:23.740 Okay.
00:13:23.960 Because they used them because they were fierce.
00:13:26.780 Yeah.
00:13:27.440 Battle goers.
00:13:29.000 Okay.
00:13:29.260 So that's why I biologically engineered my son to be that because the other half of them 1.00
00:13:35.380 is Jewish and, you know, that's all mental with a withered body and aching joints. 1.00
00:13:40.180 Ancestral trauma. 0.99
00:13:41.480 Yeah.
00:13:42.060 I mean, I don't know.
00:13:43.060 Just aching and groaning and schlepping.
00:13:45.500 Whining.
00:13:46.100 So I wanted him to-
00:13:47.260 Balance it.
00:13:47.660 Yeah. 1.00
00:13:47.940 I wanted a human that didn't have all the shit and it was- 1.00
00:13:53.740 You wanted him rich but strong. 1.00
00:13:55.840 Yeah.
00:13:56.400 I wanted him mentally fit.
00:13:59.700 Yeah.
00:14:00.740 In every way.
00:14:01.880 Like, what would it be like?
00:14:03.780 I have no idea.
00:14:04.860 You know?
00:14:05.420 Yeah.
00:14:06.120 So, okay.
00:14:07.180 So there's that.
00:14:08.440 He's my genius creation.
00:14:10.420 That's beautiful. 1.00
00:14:11.580 And he's like MMA fighting fucking bad, ugly motherfucker. 1.00
00:14:17.340 You know? 1.00
00:14:17.660 Like, I seen his dad.
00:14:19.380 Here's why I bred with him.
00:14:21.200 Because his dad used to be my bodyguard.
00:14:23.460 One time I seen him go down the hallway ahead of me.
00:14:26.440 We were drunk.
00:14:27.560 He did two flips in the air, came down, and then turned around and kicked the door in backward.
00:14:34.660 Yeah.
00:14:34.860 That would have got me pregnant. 1.00
00:14:36.480 Yeah.
00:14:37.000 That would have done it.
00:14:38.140 Right?
00:14:38.580 Yeah.
00:14:39.400 Yeah.
00:14:39.700 That's impressive. 0.99
00:14:40.300 So that's in the egg, plus all this shit going through stand-up comedy for 40 fucking years 1.00
00:14:47.640 of torture. 1.00
00:14:49.420 Yeah.
00:14:50.260 But it'll have none of your genetic coding.
00:14:52.160 That's fine.
00:14:52.760 I'm wondering.
00:14:53.400 But she'll be the nurture.
00:14:55.400 Yeah.
00:14:56.120 I'm even wondering.
00:14:57.020 Nurture or nature.
00:14:58.140 So it'll be nature nurtured by.
00:15:02.380 And how I would describe you is Iconoclosta.
00:15:11.440 Iconoclosti.
00:15:12.000 What does that mean?
00:15:13.340 What does that mean?
00:15:13.960 I don't know.
00:15:14.120 It means you are a supreme iconoclast, which means a deep, deep thinker that can hold two
00:15:22.080 disparate opinions in your mind at one time.
00:15:25.140 It's brilliant.
00:15:27.200 And that's why I just love you.
00:15:30.200 And you're a genius because tell about how you did your special all on your own.
00:15:36.940 Talk about you didn't wait for anybody coming and saying you.
00:15:41.940 Yeah.
00:15:42.360 I am.
00:15:43.020 I mean, normally I think you sell, you do deals and then you sell the special and then you film
00:15:47.200 it.
00:15:47.400 But I just, I hooked up with this place called Jam in the Van.
00:15:50.600 They do really great content, have the best cameras.
00:15:52.900 And we, I went up to them.
00:15:54.420 I was like, this would be a great place to do a special.
00:15:56.380 We should work together.
00:15:57.860 And I filmed it myself.
00:15:58.960 I did it like exactly how they film the specials and I have it all cut up and then I'm just
00:16:03.560 going to bring that to people.
00:16:04.840 Cause I feel like it's easier to show people what you already have than to give them this
00:16:09.280 idea.
00:16:09.740 Cause every, if I waited on people's ideas, also if I waited on people's ideas, they would
00:16:15.620 never happen.
00:16:16.420 I have people that are like, Hey, don't work on this show.
00:16:18.300 Cause I have a better idea for you.
00:16:19.640 And I've been like cool and still worked on the show and don't hear for them for three
00:16:23.700 years.
00:16:24.100 I'm like, I would have been waiting for you.
00:16:25.840 And then they stole everything you told them.
00:16:28.060 Exactly.
00:16:28.760 And they got 15 sitcoms off it. 0.99
00:16:31.040 Everyone's a liar and a thief, including me. 0.99
00:16:33.500 This is your wallet. 1.00
00:16:34.480 No, I'm just kidding.
00:16:35.440 So you've already filmed the special.
00:16:37.380 That's what you did this last week.
00:16:38.120 I did it two nights ago.
00:16:39.200 How did it go? 1.00
00:16:39.640 Now she's going to own her shit and she's going to sell her own shit. 1.00
00:16:44.520 Yeah. 1.00
00:16:44.760 Yeah.
00:16:45.100 That's great.
00:16:45.700 Yeah.
00:16:45.940 How did it go?
00:16:46.480 That's the way to go.
00:16:47.520 Awesome.
00:16:48.020 It was so fun.
00:16:48.660 It's called childless milf and hoping that it'll be somewhere around Valentine's
00:16:52.720 day.
00:16:53.220 Okay.
00:16:54.260 Childless milf is a very paradoxical childless milf.
00:17:00.700 Jake.
00:17:01.220 Yeah.
00:17:01.800 I mean, she's a childless milf. 0.99
00:17:04.420 Milf, you don't have to be a mom. 0.77
00:17:05.820 You just have to be over 30.
00:17:06.960 Yeah.
00:17:07.260 That's how it is in the porn categories.
00:17:08.440 I was trying to explain this to her earlier.
00:17:09.960 Yeah.
00:17:10.680 I wanted you to say what you were telling me about.
00:17:12.900 No, it's not just me.
00:17:13.680 I mean, this is just the way it is.
00:17:14.740 If you're, how old are you?
00:17:15.740 I'm 33. 0.99
00:17:16.500 So in porn, I think when you turn like 24, you're a milf. 0.98
00:17:19.080 It's 25. 0.99
00:17:19.460 Which is sad.
00:17:20.120 Yeah.
00:17:20.440 It's what?
00:17:20.980 21?
00:17:21.180 It's like 28. 0.97
00:17:22.140 My friend Mercedes Carrera is a porn star and she was making porn. 1.00
00:17:25.400 And then one day she was in the milf category and she's like, oh, it must be 28.
00:17:29.280 I must be 28 now.
00:17:30.340 And that's what she is. 0.87
00:17:30.740 It's like when you're, when you die at 27, you're a legend, but when you're in porn at 0.99
00:17:35.000 28, you're just a milf. 1.00
00:17:36.140 You're just a milf. 0.98
00:17:36.900 Yeah. 0.56
00:17:37.500 You're a stepmom.
00:17:38.580 Yeah.
00:17:39.240 Well, it is over the hill for, you know, for the, uh, I guess for the porn industry.
00:17:45.740 It is.
00:17:46.100 Yeah.
00:17:46.340 The younger, the better, I guess.
00:17:47.560 But I think people look younger now than they ever have before.
00:17:50.500 You ever see like high schoolers in like the 1930s?
00:17:52.960 Yeah, they're in their 40s.
00:17:53.780 Are you 85 years old?
00:17:54.700 Yeah, they did look old. 1.00
00:17:55.820 They looked old as fuck. 1.00
00:17:57.000 I don't know what's going on, but it was disgusting. 1.00
00:17:59.820 Yeah, they did look old.
00:18:00.940 Well, people died earlier.
00:18:03.800 You aged.
00:18:04.460 I think they aged faster.
00:18:06.360 Yeah, that's true.
00:18:07.900 Like you got, if you was 30 and not married, you was old maid.
00:18:10.800 Yeah.
00:18:11.200 Yeah.
00:18:11.480 You were a spinster at this age.
00:18:13.340 Is that what they called it?
00:18:14.160 A spinster?
00:18:14.560 You would be a spinster back in the day.
00:18:16.220 Yeah.
00:18:16.460 33 and not married with kids.
00:18:17.800 Yeah.
00:18:17.940 But I'm glad you're not married because if you were married, you wouldn't be doing stand
00:18:22.160 up.
00:18:22.440 Am I right?
00:18:23.080 No.
00:18:23.460 And I am like, I kind of don't even really like who I become when I'm in a relationship.
00:18:26.960 I am like, I get so obsessed with my boyfriends and I want to spend all my time with
00:18:31.640 them and like work doesn't matter.
00:18:33.420 I'm like a lover.
00:18:34.260 So if I'm in love, I'm like fully in and it's really bad for work, which is why I'm
00:18:39.020 either going to be funny or end alone.
00:18:41.780 Funny or die.
00:18:42.520 Yeah.
00:18:42.820 Or not funny with someone.
00:18:44.080 Those are the choices it feels like.
00:18:46.460 So isn't it part of the whole crazy to be?
00:18:50.020 It's also CD almost.
00:18:51.480 Yeah, it is OCD.
00:18:51.900 Like your relationships are obsessive compulsive.
00:18:53.920 But then when you want to, here's the bad part.
00:18:55.980 When you start wanting to tell jokes again, you deliberately sabotage that relationship to get
00:19:02.020 rid of that.
00:19:03.220 Absolutely.
00:19:04.040 Isn't that sad?
00:19:05.000 It is sad.
00:19:06.040 There's like a.
00:19:07.020 But it's almost a you have to tell the jokes again.
00:19:09.680 And it's almost like a panic.
00:19:10.880 Like if you don't leave in the next two days, stand up is done forever.
00:19:14.020 Like you have to go.
00:19:15.400 It's like crazy.
00:19:16.400 When you feel like you have to do stand up, you have to do it quick.
00:19:19.120 Or like I start panicking like internally.
00:19:21.600 I get like very anxious and I don't know.
00:19:25.140 What is it?
00:19:26.000 I don't know.
00:19:27.260 God, I don't know.
00:19:29.460 It's all of us have it too, huh?
00:19:31.320 Yeah.
00:19:31.640 And the thing that makes me really sad.
00:19:33.700 Is it the hearing the laughter?
00:19:35.740 What is it?
00:19:38.260 I don't know.
00:19:40.400 Whenever you're on stage and you're riffing and you think of something, doesn't it feel
00:19:45.400 like it pops out of the air and like, like it just pops right.
00:19:50.040 Like you didn't think of it.
00:19:51.380 Yeah.
00:19:51.800 It wasn't from you.
00:19:53.060 Yeah.
00:19:53.300 It literally is.
00:19:53.980 I think it comes from God.
00:19:54.660 Me too.
00:19:55.000 The hotline of God they call. 1.00
00:19:55.820 Which is, which is, I like because I've thought of some sick shit. 1.00
00:20:00.100 Yeah. 0.99
00:20:00.220 I'm like, God's kind of funny.
00:20:01.600 God's the funniest comic of all.
00:20:03.600 Yeah, he is.
00:20:04.360 And he goes, okay, try topping this.
00:20:07.080 Oh my God.
00:20:07.980 The best.
00:20:08.920 I remember me and my podcast partner like six months ago, we were at the airport and we ran
00:20:13.020 into another comedian who's like pretty much like, you know, blown up on YouTube and, and
00:20:18.700 has a lot of following and he sat down in front of us and he was talking to us and someone
00:20:22.780 came up and was like, Hey, are you whatever to him and asked him for a picture while we
00:20:26.980 were sitting there.
00:20:28.220 And then we already kind of felt like dang about it.
00:20:31.360 And then when they walked away, I got a notification on my phone and it popped up and it was a payment
00:20:36.380 plan for the flight I bought right when he got recognized.
00:20:40.120 It was like, you pay, you owe the second part of your payment plan for your $200 flight.
00:20:44.900 And my friend looked at my phone and she went, God's a comedian. 1.00
00:20:48.100 Like he just shit on me. 0.99
00:20:50.080 My friend got recognized and then my payment plan for the flight I couldn't afford came in. 0.99
00:20:54.360 And it is just so, his timing is impeccable.
00:20:58.800 Impeccable.
00:20:59.200 That's incredible that you would, that you would know it too.
00:21:02.960 Yeah.
00:21:04.020 The, like the depression that I have.
00:21:06.920 Like, do you, like my depression, cause I have it.
00:21:11.740 Do you have it?
00:21:12.640 Um, I get depressed.
00:21:13.960 I don't get into full seasons of depression or like weeks at a time.
00:21:17.380 It's like a wave for you.
00:21:18.500 Yeah.
00:21:18.880 That's me too.
00:21:19.500 You'll stay sometimes for a while.
00:21:21.540 Yeah.
00:21:21.820 Yeah. 1.00
00:21:22.180 Uh, but then like I get the message from God that goes, you idiot, can't you see the perfect 1.00
00:21:31.360 world I've created for you? 1.00
00:21:33.260 The jokes just write themselves.
00:21:35.320 All you have to do is open your eyes and see it.
00:21:39.020 Just stand up and open your mouth.
00:21:41.180 He's like, I'm making it easy. 0.99
00:21:42.780 It's also fucking absurd, isn't it? 0.98
00:21:45.080 It is. 0.99
00:21:45.640 Are you scared at all?
00:21:47.460 I mean, yes and no.
00:21:49.760 I'm like, um, I'm with stand up now.
00:21:52.580 I kind of, I have reached this place just in the last like year or so where I almost don't
00:21:56.700 care what happens anymore.
00:21:58.440 To you, you mean?
00:21:59.620 To me, not like safety wise. 0.97
00:22:01.460 I just am like with my career, I'm like, what the fuck ever? 0.89
00:22:05.580 Whatever happens is going to happen. 0.87
00:22:07.200 That's how I feel. 0.98
00:22:08.080 We're all going to be fucking toasty. 0.99
00:22:09.500 We're all dying. 0.98
00:22:10.720 Like there's like wars and famine and like the solar flares and the aliens and like,
00:22:16.460 why do I give a shot?
00:22:18.100 Why do I care if I got just for laughs?
00:22:19.940 Yeah.
00:22:20.160 Truly. 1.00
00:22:21.340 Who gives a shit? 0.99
00:22:22.520 That's what I thought. 0.99
00:22:23.320 Have you ever been, have you ever seen these festivals, these networks put? 0.99
00:22:27.260 It's fucking five comedy, dead comedy rooms, a fucking salami bar for the comics and you 0.99
00:22:33.780 do a 10 minute set and no one says anything to you. 1.00
00:22:36.780 A couple people come up and go, great set and you never hear from them again. 0.98
00:22:40.360 It sucks. 0.92
00:22:41.100 Nothing's real. 0.99
00:22:41.800 People are just putting things together so they feel like they have a worthy life.
00:22:46.300 People are overdoing everything so they feel worthy instead of just finding the thing
00:22:50.320 they like.
00:22:51.100 Right. 1.00
00:22:51.560 And then they're oversaturating the world with bullshit. 1.00
00:22:54.960 Yeah. 1.00
00:22:55.520 Because they're scared to be themselves.
00:22:57.460 Well, do you think it's just that people just aren't generating anything creative?
00:23:02.360 People are not authentic.
00:23:03.960 That's right.
00:23:04.760 It's the biggest mistake.
00:23:05.880 People say what they think everybody wants them to hear instead of just saying how they
00:23:09.980 feel. 0.99
00:23:10.340 They're cowards. 0.99
00:23:10.920 They're scared. 1.00
00:23:11.780 Yeah.
00:23:12.140 Well, I don't blame them, man.
00:23:14.560 I don't blame them.
00:23:15.360 No, I get it.
00:23:15.900 They'll come for you.
00:23:16.700 It's a thing.
00:23:17.660 Oh my God.
00:23:18.400 But I'm like, I'm a glutton for punishment.
00:23:20.240 So I'm like, come for me.
00:23:21.540 I don't know.
00:23:22.440 Can I ask you guys a question since you-
00:23:23.960 Of course.
00:23:24.660 You're a female standup comedian and you did it. 1.00
00:23:27.020 I am?
00:23:27.540 Yes, you were.
00:23:28.380 I used to be.
00:23:29.000 In the 80s and you're doing it now.
00:23:30.740 Can we talk about the differences or the similarities?
00:23:33.080 I would love to know.
00:23:34.100 Oh yeah.
00:23:34.500 I would love to know.
00:23:35.560 I mean, for me, people say that it's tough being a woman in comedy, but my personal opinion
00:23:39.960 is if you're funny, it's a little easier.
00:23:42.100 Yeah.
00:23:42.460 There's not, if you're really funny and because now it's probably different in your day, but
00:23:46.740 now people have the pressure to put women on the lineup. 1.00
00:23:48.800 So they have to.
00:23:49.840 Yeah.
00:23:50.140 Yeah.
00:23:50.440 Do they do that?
00:23:50.960 So if you're funny, it's easy to get up there.
00:23:51.580 Are they overt about that?
00:23:52.680 Yeah.
00:23:53.020 They, people are like, I mean-
00:23:54.820 They want to see women.
00:23:56.200 Yeah.
00:23:56.320 They want to see women.
00:23:57.200 Yeah.
00:23:57.420 And so it's, women have been scared off.
00:24:00.060 There's not that many of them.
00:24:01.220 They're just like scared to even try stand up, I think.
00:24:03.680 Yeah.
00:24:04.300 I would think it's easier today as a woman to do, to break into comedy.
00:24:08.500 I would think.
00:24:08.880 For me, it was really easy.
00:24:09.720 Yeah.
00:24:10.160 That's cool to hear.
00:24:10.680 You know, it's been a long journey and it was like me sleeping on the floor and being
00:24:14.460 broke and crying.
00:24:15.260 It's not easy in a sense, but like-
00:24:16.940 Every comic goes through that.
00:24:18.340 Yeah.
00:24:18.780 It's like the same grind that people have for any dream that they have.
00:24:22.200 It's not anything special I'm doing.
00:24:23.980 I've just found my talent and then I worked.
00:24:26.320 Right.
00:24:26.720 And I think everyone has their own weird thing. 0.99
00:24:28.440 I told my sister, I'm like, if you like fucking gluing seashells to your face, you better 1.00
00:24:31.980 get on YouTube and be the funniest seashell gluer and just do that. 0.99
00:24:35.360 Do it better than anybody else.
00:24:36.760 Yes.
00:24:37.200 Yeah.
00:24:37.520 I'm like just-
00:24:37.980 You've got no excuse anymore.
00:24:39.120 You had a hard time though.
00:24:40.860 You always talk about it in the early 80s when you started as a woman.
00:24:45.040 Yeah, it must have been different then.
00:24:46.060 There weren't really many women doing it. 1.00
00:24:47.580 It was you and what?
00:24:48.580 Paula Poundstone basically?
00:24:49.760 No, Paula came way later. 0.99
00:24:51.320 Oh, she did?
00:24:51.920 Who was doing it when you started?
00:24:53.820 Well, I started in 1980.
00:24:56.580 Betty Boop.
00:24:58.080 She and Betty Boop. 1.00
00:25:00.580 Phyllis Diller.
00:25:01.420 I mean, there already had been Joan Rivers, Phyllis Diller.
00:25:04.200 You know, there have been so many.
00:25:05.560 And of course, the greatest Mae West.
00:25:07.980 Yeah. 0.99
00:25:08.220 She busted everybody's balls. 1.00
00:25:09.760 But they did stand-up, but the stand-up era, most people think is like the 80s. 0.97
00:25:13.540 You know, oh my God, I'm going to forget everybody's name that I should remember.
00:25:18.460 Elaine Boosler.
00:25:19.660 Yeah.
00:25:19.840 There was just a lot of good names.
00:25:22.120 Lily Tomlin.
00:25:23.520 There was a lot, you know.
00:25:24.760 Carol Burnett.
00:25:25.740 I just can't remember everybody great that I was one of.
00:25:31.880 So many of it wasn't that hard.
00:25:33.140 But Marlo Thomas.
00:25:37.320 But was it hard?
00:25:38.460 I'm asking like, did you have a hard time breaking in or?
00:25:41.480 How did you start?
00:25:42.500 Yeah.
00:25:42.760 How'd you even start?
00:25:43.600 What was the?
00:25:44.600 Oh.
00:25:44.820 She's a younger comic.
00:25:46.860 Give her some. 1.00
00:25:47.820 Well, yeah, it was holy hells on earth.
00:25:51.200 It was? 1.00
00:25:51.740 It was fucking hells on earth. 0.99
00:25:54.300 But I was young and pissed. 1.00
00:25:59.480 Yeah.
00:25:59.700 You know, I was pissed because it was right there coming not too far out of the 60s where
00:26:08.840 I still had marched and my friends and I mean, we fought and we still believed and we saw
00:26:17.300 the whole Vietnam thing and we still believed.
00:26:22.320 And then, you know, Reagan and like, what the?
00:26:25.300 And then the social safety net gets cut and we just lived through all of it, you know?
00:26:32.180 Did you start?
00:26:33.180 So in 1980, when they put Reagan, I was pretty left.
00:26:38.260 Yeah.
00:26:38.880 And I was like going, oh, Christ, this is a slide, a real slide to a real.
00:26:48.420 Hurt people.
00:26:49.940 Yeah.
00:26:50.360 Put people on the street.
00:26:51.040 I think.
00:26:51.620 Mm-hmm. 0.99
00:26:53.100 So I was like, fucking, I got to get out there. 0.99
00:26:57.060 And I didn't want to. 0.99
00:26:59.700 It was crazy.
00:27:00.980 I don't even know where it starts. 1.00
00:27:03.240 Who wants to hear any of this shit? 1.00
00:27:04.900 I do. 1.00
00:27:05.480 Everybody.
00:27:05.740 I'm very curious.
00:27:06.460 Okay.
00:27:06.600 I was at the time I was in this woman's group, you know?
00:27:11.260 It was a cult. 0.84
00:27:11.540 The lesbians. 0.99
00:27:11.940 With the lesbians. 1.00
00:27:12.500 Well, before it was all lesbian. 1.00
00:27:14.860 Okay.
00:27:15.140 When it was just basically kind of Jewish and black and, you know, it was just moms of 0.95
00:27:23.540 mixed moms, you know?
00:27:27.700 You already had kids when you started stand-up?
00:27:29.680 Mm-hmm.
00:27:30.340 Yeah.
00:27:30.940 Wow.
00:27:31.640 She had three.
00:27:32.680 Four.
00:27:33.260 What?
00:27:34.200 Are you serious?
00:27:35.220 Yeah, I was born in 78.
00:27:36.280 She started in 1980.
00:27:37.720 I was two.
00:27:38.680 That is crazy.
00:27:39.020 She was really a housewife when she was doing that. 1.00
00:27:40.800 Like, my dad worked at the post office.
00:27:42.000 She was an actual housewife that would go Saturday night or Friday night and do stand-up. 1.00
00:27:46.800 How long were you doing stand-up before you got the show?
00:27:49.480 The show?
00:27:50.740 Well, it was four years until she got The Tonight Show, I believe.
00:27:54.140 No.
00:27:54.620 You tell it.
00:27:55.120 I'll tell the whole thing.
00:27:56.020 Thank you.
00:27:56.220 I started stand-up in 1980.
00:27:58.400 Okay.
00:27:59.760 And then I started doing gigs around the place.
00:28:06.380 And then, like, 85, I came to California.
00:28:13.700 Mm-hmm.
00:28:14.480 And 86, I got on TV.
00:28:17.800 Six years.
00:28:18.240 Okay.
00:28:18.500 And then 88, I got my show.
00:28:22.320 Wow.
00:28:23.240 So, it was eight years total.
00:28:24.920 Wow.
00:28:25.720 Yeah.
00:28:26.320 From Jump Street to eight, you know?
00:28:29.020 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:28:29.820 A lot of it was overnight, because once I came to LA, it was like I was on stage, and
00:28:35.800 the Tonight Show guy saw me, put me on.
00:28:39.120 I was on with Julio Iglesias, who took me out for 18 weeks to open for him.
00:28:46.600 That got me my sitcom.
00:28:48.300 It was like one after the other.
00:28:50.480 It was a God thing, God-given blessing thing.
00:28:54.580 You really have to be, like, equal parts talented and lucky.
00:29:01.320 Yeah.
00:29:01.720 Well, I think you can adjust your luck and kind of make it favor you by, like, the places
00:29:07.280 you are and the situations you put yourself in.
00:29:09.080 But I've noticed a lot of my breaks, I've been like, I was just here this night.
00:29:13.420 I was just here.
00:29:14.420 But if I didn't show up, it wouldn't happen.
00:29:16.520 So, that is part of the hard work.
00:29:17.900 But just to be, my very first night of stand-up, I popped into the belly room, and Tony had
00:29:23.220 just, I just started this show called Kill Tony.
00:29:25.180 It was three episodes in, I think.
00:29:27.120 And then I became a regular on that show.
00:29:28.860 And I'm like, if I didn't even, if I didn't have the weird feeling to go up stickers, that
00:29:33.560 I'd never been up there before.
00:29:36.060 Your first stand-up was on Kill Tony?
00:29:37.660 My very first night of stand-up, I got pulled for potluck at the comedy store in the OR.
00:29:42.660 And I was so hyped.
00:29:43.860 I had a great set.
00:29:44.900 It was three minutes.
00:29:45.500 I got like two laughs, and I was like, this is the best.
00:29:49.300 That was the best.
00:29:50.360 And then someone said, there's another show upstairs if you want to go watch.
00:29:53.300 And it was Kill Tony.
00:29:54.760 And then Tony was like, you can actually sign up for it and go up again.
00:29:58.440 So, the very first night I did stand-up, I went up twice at the comedy store.
00:30:02.360 It was awesome.
00:30:02.680 Oh, I'll tell you that story.
00:30:04.520 I went to the comedy store because everybody came to Denver that we had a club there, the
00:30:10.440 comedy shop or works.
00:30:12.400 And they said, you got to go to the comedy store in LA and let Mitzi sure see you, you 0.84
00:30:18.660 know.
00:30:19.240 So, okay, it was Monday night, amateur night.
00:30:24.580 Everybody told me go.
00:30:25.960 Sam Kennison, Louie Anderson, Alan Steven, everybody who came through Denver, they knew I was coming
00:30:33.840 and they would show up for me, you know, and they came to see me audition for Mitzi.
00:30:40.300 And I knew they were there and it was cool, my friends, you know.
00:30:45.080 It's crazy to think that this was before flyers or computers.
00:30:48.060 Like, people were just calling, like, Roseanne's coming in.
00:30:49.680 That's what I wanted.
00:30:50.660 Yeah, it was before.
00:30:51.500 Crazy.
00:30:52.320 And it was all word of mouth, you know, comics to comics.
00:30:56.100 And I knew it was, you know.
00:30:57.380 Yeah, no website, just the sign outside the comics.
00:30:59.120 Just the lights in the air.
00:31:00.640 Yeah, and all the comics were there then.
00:31:02.980 Everybody was outside, they all came in.
00:31:05.460 And I knew it and I went up and I knew.
00:31:10.000 It's beyond anything you can ever explain to anybody, but I knew it.
00:31:18.960 Yeah.
00:31:19.080 I knew I, like Blair White said, because I knew I was it.
00:31:25.020 I knew I had it.
00:31:27.240 I knew I would be it.
00:31:29.520 And I knew I am it.
00:31:34.420 And it was all there.
00:31:37.420 Hey, guys, look it.
00:31:38.740 Introducing the Performance Package 5.0 Ultra from Manscaped. 0.99
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00:31:50.620 You get your crop preserver.
00:31:53.840 Yeah.
00:31:54.160 And your Manscaped crop soother.
00:31:57.860 Yeah.
00:31:58.160 I guess that's like pre-shaven, after-shaven type thing.
00:32:01.020 Exactly.
00:32:01.480 So you get these two different kind of razors for it.
00:32:05.900 I tried shaving my arms with this and it really did work.
00:32:08.900 It does work.
00:32:09.580 And this one is, I don't know.
00:32:11.160 That's a nose one.
00:32:12.120 Yeah.
00:32:12.300 Oh, this is for your nose and your ears.
00:32:13.280 This one's good.
00:32:13.920 I have this one.
00:32:14.460 That's called the Weed Whacker. 0.99
00:32:15.960 Yes, I have this one.
00:32:16.520 That's the Weed Whacker 2.0 for your nose hair. 1.00
00:32:19.060 For your nose?
00:32:19.480 Yeah, stick it right in there.
00:32:20.680 Oh, do it.
00:32:21.100 You'll hear the sound of it chopping your hair.
00:32:22.560 Yeah.
00:32:22.900 Is it weird?
00:32:23.340 Put it in your ears.
00:32:23.640 Put it in the mic.
00:32:24.400 Do it.
00:32:24.620 No, you'll hear it.
00:32:25.940 Yeah, do it.
00:32:26.600 It's satisfying.
00:32:28.400 Do it.
00:32:29.700 You've got to turn it on.
00:32:30.400 I'm going to scare myself.
00:32:32.260 Turn it on.
00:32:32.920 No, I'm too scared.
00:32:33.560 Do it, do it, do it, do it.
00:32:34.340 No, I'm too scared.
00:32:35.200 Tim, will you do it?
00:32:37.480 I'm too scared.
00:32:38.260 Do it, do it, do it.
00:32:38.920 Oh, my God.
00:32:40.440 It sounds good.
00:32:43.040 Oh.
00:32:44.160 Oh, it's weird.
00:32:45.140 No, let me get that.
00:32:45.800 I want to sell it on eBay.
00:32:46.520 It's like a shop.
00:32:47.240 You want your guy to be groomed, right?
00:32:51.600 You have to do it. 0.99
00:32:52.540 Christ, you have to get your nails done, your butt waxed, and all that other crap. 1.00
00:32:58.280 Not that I do. 0.99
00:32:59.120 That's why I'm man free. 1.00
00:33:00.400 Yeah, you shave your butt. 1.00
00:33:01.340 I got a beard. 1.00
00:33:02.160 I don't give a shit. 0.99
00:33:03.380 But, you know, for you people who have sex for some reason and want to be attractive to each other, 0.99
00:33:09.100 that's what you got to do.
00:33:10.100 It's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use the code ROSANNE. 0.96
00:33:16.000 His balls will be singing, Baby, It's Cold Outside. 0.95
00:33:20.800 I don't even know who wrote. 0.99
00:33:22.380 That isn't even funny.
00:33:23.720 It's not. 0.99
00:33:26.900 Every single thing I worked for and every fucking joke killed. 1.00
00:33:32.620 Every fucking joke. 0.99
00:33:34.080 All five minutes of it was gold and I had worked so hard and picked them five fucking minutes so tight 0.99
00:33:41.680 and went through so much to do it. 0.96
00:33:43.720 Rewriting all night. 1.00
00:33:46.000 All the shit, you know. 1.00
00:33:47.580 And then she goes, go do 20 in the big room. 1.00
00:33:51.440 And I go, Christ, I was speechless.
00:33:54.760 And all the waitresses go, she's never did that before. 0.99
00:33:57.760 Ever took anybody from audition to the main stage.
00:34:03.720 That's pretty incredible. 1.00
00:34:06.720 I was going, fuck. 0.99
00:34:09.040 I go, I don't even know if I have 20 clean. 1.00
00:34:12.920 I was like, I don't even know if I have 20 fucking clean minutes. 0.99
00:34:16.040 I'm going to have to bullshit my way through four minutes because that's all the filth that I don't want her to see. 1.00
00:34:23.400 Because when I get into my butt fucking jokes and shit, I can't do that to her. 1.00
00:34:27.160 You have to hide the butt fuck jokes, by the way. 1.00
00:34:29.160 Not on the first one. 1.00
00:34:30.240 Not on the first date with Mitzi. 1.00
00:34:32.080 You got to work in the butt fuck. 1.00
00:34:33.300 You save the butt fucks for the third set. 1.00
00:34:34.960 And then I came off the stage and she goes, I'm opening a place in Vegas and you have work. 0.99
00:34:41.520 That was my first night.
00:34:42.720 What 20 minutes did you do?
00:34:44.160 Wow.
00:34:44.480 You didn't have 20 minutes?
00:34:45.640 I did.
00:34:47.800 I had 40, but a lot of it was dirty. 0.99
00:34:50.700 I was just trying to reorganize all my shit 20 clean. 0.98
00:34:54.360 You know how you think. 0.99
00:34:55.660 Yeah.
00:34:56.260 So I'm like, I'm not going to get up there.
00:34:58.040 Oh, every time I'm about to do a set, I'm like, I don't even know if I have one minute.
00:35:01.180 This thought comes in my head.
00:35:02.300 I'm like, who knows if this is even.
00:35:03.700 I feel like I made up how to write jokes.
00:35:05.840 I was like, this is how you do it.
00:35:07.020 And I guess.
00:35:07.900 And everyone laughed.
00:35:09.020 And I've been like faking it this whole time.
00:35:10.900 And it keeps working.
00:35:11.980 I don't know why.
00:35:12.760 Sometimes I feel that way too.
00:35:14.220 Yeah, I do it.
00:35:15.140 I'm like, okay.
00:35:15.840 And then they all laugh.
00:35:16.740 And I kind of have this feeling where I go, okay, like, if you believe it, I'll believe it.
00:35:21.440 Because I'm like, I almost feel like I'm past my own jokes.
00:35:24.660 Like I hear my jokes and I already had that thought and opinion and I'm so over it.
00:35:28.780 Yeah.
00:35:29.320 I go, oh, Christ, I've heard this one a hundred times. 1.00
00:35:32.180 Not this shit again. 1.00
00:35:34.220 Yeah, because you're just listening to what's coming out. 1.00
00:35:37.240 I watched Dave Attell have that feeling one time at the cellar and I'll never forget it
00:35:42.000 because I know exactly how he felt.
00:35:43.040 He was just crushing in the cellar and you could tell he was a perfected set.
00:35:47.540 He's done a million times.
00:35:48.700 And he said a joke and everyone laughed and he went, like, I was like, that is the best.
00:35:55.700 I feel that when they laugh and you're like, yeah, okay, fine.
00:36:00.260 How do you feel about the special you did?
00:36:02.960 I feel great.
00:36:04.680 I feel, well, I've also, it's actually the first thing in standup that I've ever felt ready for.
00:36:10.080 Wow.
00:36:10.420 Cool.
00:36:10.640 In 11 years, I've never felt ready.
00:36:12.500 I've done things and I've been nervous.
00:36:14.540 And the day of the taping, I was so calm.
00:36:16.800 My set was ready.
00:36:17.840 I ran it a hundred thousand times before in different ways.
00:36:22.960 I would sit on the stool, stand up, wore a jacket, make myself be cold.
00:36:26.740 I put myself in every, I got too high one time.
00:36:29.140 I got drunk and did it.
00:36:30.340 I put myself in any uncomfortable situation to see if I could run the set.
00:36:33.540 You're actually the reason I have really bad ADD and I stopped chewing gum in the beginning of standup.
00:36:40.280 Someone said it was unprofessional.
00:36:41.760 And then I watched your special and you were chewing gum and I put gum right in the back of my mouth and it helped my set so much just to not.
00:36:48.820 It does.
00:36:49.260 The timing.
00:36:49.720 I think and the timing is going to slow you down.
00:36:52.600 You don't want to spit the gum out.
00:36:53.640 It slows you down.
00:36:55.160 It's great.
00:36:55.960 It is great.
00:36:56.800 Yeah.
00:36:57.020 And someone's like, you should never do it.
00:36:58.400 And I remember probably like a year later I was watching you.
00:37:00.940 I was like, Roseanne does it.
00:37:02.020 I'm doing it. 1.00
00:37:03.020 I don't give a fuck. 0.99
00:37:03.760 It keeps, it is that OCD thing because you just want to go chop, chop, chop, chop, chop. 1.00
00:37:08.720 And you slow.
00:37:09.600 You get nervous.
00:37:10.460 Yeah.
00:37:11.800 There's a rhythm to it too, huh?
00:37:14.160 It's a godly rhythm to it when you got the right thing to say.
00:37:17.820 And it goes like, it's like music because I've talked to a lot of musicians, you know.
00:37:22.020 And it's like, the joke, the way and the poetry of it.
00:37:29.220 Oh, I was doing the test, the camera test for my special and they're like, go through
00:37:33.380 the thing.
00:37:33.780 But I didn't want to do my set.
00:37:34.980 Yeah.
00:37:35.280 So I was going, and they're like, it's crazy how you're not saying words, but it sounds
00:37:41.620 like a set.
00:37:42.400 I'm like, yeah, because it's like a, it's a sound you make.
00:37:44.960 It's about the sound.
00:37:45.960 They need to hear the sounds.
00:37:47.020 They're like babies.
00:37:48.040 Is it harder?
00:37:48.700 Can I ask you a question?
00:37:49.220 Is it, is it harder or is it, how hard is it to break into comedy now with, with the
00:37:53.740 woke culture?
00:37:54.620 I saw a thing you did on, on stage, which I loved when you're basically like, what is
00:37:58.760 wrong with you?
00:37:59.320 You pay the ticket, you come to a standup set and you get offended. 1.00
00:38:02.180 Like there's something fucking wrong with you. 0.99
00:38:03.760 This is a comedy club. 0.99
00:38:04.520 You know what we're doing.
00:38:05.600 Do you put up with that a lot?
00:38:06.900 The woke thing?
00:38:07.480 Or is that, cause I know my mother deals with that obviously. 0.93
00:38:10.440 Yeah.
00:38:10.800 Oh, I just get even more dirty.
00:38:12.600 Cause I, the thing I think is, well, they, you're just not being dirty enough for them.
00:38:17.940 Yeah.
00:38:18.440 No, I doubled down too.
00:38:20.100 I'm like, well, they're getting the worst stuff.
00:38:22.160 Yeah.
00:38:22.600 They're getting the worst stuff cause they need like the break.
00:38:25.060 They need to break or hear the worst.
00:38:27.020 So that maybe when they hear something less bad, they're like, that's not that bad. 1.00
00:38:30.360 I'll do my worst shit. 1.00
00:38:32.120 And if it's a bad crowd, I'll do my most offensive shit up top. 1.00
00:38:35.320 And then after the last joke, I go, all right, well that was my clean stuff. 0.99
00:38:38.460 And, and then it loosens them up for the, the easier stuff.
00:38:44.420 But I don't, I don't care.
00:38:46.120 I truly do not care.
00:38:47.960 What's wrong with them?
00:38:48.820 Why do they go?
00:38:49.860 This is just judging.
00:38:50.940 No, but they'll try and ruin your career. 0.98
00:38:52.340 There's people that go to restaurants, they pay money and then they hate every time they
00:38:55.680 eat the food.
00:38:56.280 There's just people that aren't happy no matter what they do.
00:38:58.860 They're paying their own money and they're just pissed.
00:39:00.800 But it's like, I really don't care.
00:39:03.340 I do stand up.
00:39:04.460 I don't do stand up for anybody else.
00:39:06.420 I don't do it for the audience.
00:39:07.660 I don't do it.
00:39:08.620 I, I, I guess like now it's become my people feel better when they listen to my jokes and
00:39:14.500 it is a good thing for the world.
00:39:16.080 But I just do it because when I do it, I feel happy.
00:39:19.000 And I feel like if everyone focused on that, on themselves, if everyone was a little more
00:39:23.020 selfish and really was like, I'm going to make myself happy for six months.
00:39:26.860 I think that's a good point.
00:39:27.620 That's a really good point.
00:39:29.060 Yeah.
00:39:29.340 It's like, we almost are like too giving to where we've become fake.
00:39:32.920 Yeah.
00:39:33.180 And it's really me and Alex, me and my friend, Alex Scarlato, the, my friend that's a
00:39:37.600 producer, we keep talking about the most important thing to do is be authentic.
00:39:41.560 It's better for the world.
00:39:43.080 It's better for you.
00:39:43.940 That's better for you.
00:39:45.020 And, and being better for you is better for the world.
00:39:47.440 Well, trying to fix yourself and get better, trying to make yourself get better or do better,
00:39:53.740 you know, fix your broken places instead of like going out and looking at other people's 0.99
00:39:59.560 broken shit. 0.99
00:40:00.680 Yeah. 1.00
00:40:01.420 That is the hardest thing in the world to do.
00:40:04.160 If people, if we would ever talk about the truth about that is that's the hardest thing.
00:40:08.520 Nobody can do that.
00:40:09.960 That's only like 2% of people can even do that.
00:40:13.560 I know.
00:40:13.800 Because it is so hard, but that's why you got to try to do it.
00:40:17.460 Yeah.
00:40:17.640 But if you're, if you're constantly trying to fix yourself, you're too distracted to be 1.00
00:40:21.880 an asshole. 1.00
00:40:23.360 Yeah. 1.00
00:40:24.020 You're all too busy working on yourself. 0.99
00:40:25.880 Even if you'll never get it, the whole point is to work on yourself so you're not a dick 0.99
00:40:29.740 everywhere else. 0.98
00:40:30.520 Yeah.
00:40:31.080 Right.
00:40:31.200 I'm too busy.
00:40:31.960 Yeah.
00:40:32.240 Yeah.
00:40:32.400 I'm literally too busy.
00:40:34.120 10 years ago, I was having fights with comedians all the time.
00:40:36.940 I'd bicker with them. 0.99
00:40:37.760 If they said something on social media I didn't like, I would comment like, this is dumb. 0.99
00:40:40.920 You know what I mean? 0.98
00:40:41.440 Like I would.
00:40:42.420 I'd snap back.
00:40:43.360 Even if someone had an opinion that I thought was insane or they were saying something inappropriate, 1.00
00:40:48.220 I'd be like, what the fuck? 0.99
00:40:49.560 Right. 0.99
00:40:49.740 And now I'm like, I am so busy.
00:40:51.480 I just don't care.
00:40:52.740 Yeah.
00:40:53.220 You have to just not care as much.
00:40:54.840 Did you ever get in any fist fights?
00:40:58.700 Yes.
00:40:59.760 Well, I got.
00:41:00.260 Cool.
00:41:00.760 I've been in a couple in college.
00:41:04.480 Yeah.
00:41:05.080 When I was 18 years old, I was in college and I went to Panama City to the beach for spring
00:41:10.240 break and I was at a concert and I met this guy and we were both drunk and it was at the
00:41:14.940 beach at a concert.
00:41:15.640 He put me on his shoulders and we were just dancing on his shoulders.
00:41:18.520 I was like, this is fun.
00:41:19.500 And then I guess he had a girlfriend there and she came up. 1.00
00:41:23.360 Bitch on bitch crime. 1.00
00:41:24.180 Yeah. 1.00
00:41:24.640 And she took a Coors Light can and she chucked me in the face with it. 1.00
00:41:28.300 And I was out of nowhere.
00:41:29.320 I thought he was single.
00:41:30.120 He just picked me up.
00:41:31.040 I was like, I didn't know. 0.99
00:41:32.340 And she chucked me and then he took me, grabbed me by the ass and threw me on top of her. 1.00
00:41:36.200 And so it created like a fight. 0.99
00:41:37.600 Like he kind of made it happen.
00:41:39.440 So it was just a fight.
00:41:40.680 A wrestling move.
00:41:41.080 Oh my God.
00:41:42.080 Yeah.
00:41:42.200 And the crazy thing is that was six hours away from my college, that trip I went on.
00:41:47.200 And me and that girl got broken up and separated and I got like one look into her eyes before
00:41:51.660 we got separated.
00:41:52.880 And two weeks later when I was back at school, I went to a bar and I saw her standing outside 0.99
00:41:57.540 the bathroom door.
00:41:58.520 Oh my God.
00:41:58.860 The same girl. 0.98
00:41:59.880 And I did just sucker punch her. 0.98
00:42:02.920 Wow. 0.98
00:42:03.340 You did?
00:42:03.960 Yeah.
00:42:04.320 Right in the face.
00:42:05.500 That's what she did to me. 1.00
00:42:07.600 And then, yeah, I sucker punched her. 0.92
00:42:09.560 We got separated at the bar.
00:42:11.220 And then two days later she found my social media and she messaged me and she said, can
00:42:15.700 we never do that again?
00:42:16.900 Oh wow.
00:42:17.220 And I said, yeah, we're good.
00:42:18.320 Better than a lawsuit.
00:42:19.020 Oh, that's cool.
00:42:20.320 Yeah.
00:42:20.480 Y'all solved your, that's good.
00:42:22.460 It was solved.
00:42:23.340 Yeah.
00:42:23.520 But I had to get my lick back.
00:42:25.160 You do.
00:42:25.980 Absolutely.
00:42:26.340 Yeah, you do.
00:42:27.340 I love it when women get in a fist fight with other women. 1.00
00:42:30.800 It's so much cleaner and better than the mental war women put other women through trying 1.00
00:42:36.420 to ruin your credit and get your kids to look away. 1.00
00:42:39.980 Fucking all that shit. 1.00
00:42:41.120 That is a woman thing to call CPS on another woman. 1.00
00:42:44.400 Yeah. 1.00
00:42:44.460 Women are way worse. 1.00
00:42:45.940 Bitch on bitch crime don't play. 1.00
00:42:48.020 Yeah. 1.00
00:42:48.840 Just go punch a bitch out and then she'll get you back. 1.00
00:42:52.240 That's how men fight. 1.00
00:42:53.000 And that's it.
00:42:53.660 Period.
00:42:54.240 It's over.
00:42:54.540 That's how men are.
00:42:54.880 One time I was dating a male comedian about 10 years ago and we got into a fight at the
00:43:00.840 comedy store, like an argument.
00:43:02.920 He was making fun of my friends or something.
00:43:05.420 Oh no, my friends made fun of his set and he was just like being really, they were like,
00:43:09.540 that joke was like interesting. 0.99
00:43:11.060 And he was like, you don't fucking know anything. 1.00
00:43:13.220 Fuck you. 1.00
00:43:13.860 And it was being really shitty. 1.00
00:43:15.460 And I was kind of stood up for them and he poked me.
00:43:18.560 Like he was like at the comedy store and he was trying to be like, don't you ever and
00:43:22.020 did this and was like backing me up?
00:43:23.900 He was doing it so hard. 0.88
00:43:24.920 And I punched him in the face, squared in the eye at the comedy store. 0.87
00:43:28.440 Oh yeah, you need to. 0.55
00:43:29.080 And I remember the moment I did it, I was like three years in, I was like, I'll never
00:43:31.760 be allowed in this place again.
00:43:33.080 And the way that I just keep going in there, they don't, before they got cameras in there,
00:43:38.240 it was the, you know, you know, you got, you guys set it off.
00:43:41.240 But before they had the cameras, oh, they had the guns and the knives.
00:43:45.640 I saw the guns and the knives. 1.00
00:43:47.120 Oh shit. 1.00
00:43:47.700 I saw the, I saw worse than guns and knives. 1.00
00:43:49.560 Didn't you smash a guy's head on a bar, I heard? 1.00
00:43:51.920 Oh, they did all kinds of shit. 1.00
00:43:53.220 No, you did that. 1.00
00:43:54.120 I heard you grabbed a guy's head.
00:43:55.420 Oh, that was in Vegas.
00:43:57.220 I hit, I smashed a guy's head in the bar.
00:44:00.200 Why did you do that? 0.99
00:44:01.640 Because he's saying shit I didn't want to hear. 0.99
00:44:04.180 So you grabbed the back of his head and smashed him on the bar. 1.00
00:44:06.520 I heard this from Alan.
00:44:07.540 Were you chewing gum?
00:44:08.280 Do you trust anything that's being parroted out of the mouth of so-called experts on the TV?
00:44:17.080 No, when I hear trust the experts, I know they're lying.
00:44:19.500 After the last three years, I just don't trust anybody.
00:44:22.800 Me either.
00:44:23.360 That's why I'm very excited to introduce you guys to the wellness company
00:44:27.880 and specifically their medical emergency kit.
00:44:31.680 The kit is, it has eight potentially life-saving medications so you can feel safer.
00:44:38.640 It comes with meds like, um, what?
00:44:43.800 Tamoxicillin is the one.
00:44:44.800 Tamoxicillin.
00:44:45.320 You read those, Jake.
00:44:46.800 Ivermectin.
00:44:47.420 Oh yeah, that's the big one.
00:44:48.780 Z-Pack.
00:44:49.340 That's the horse paste.
00:44:50.180 Z-Pack.
00:44:51.260 And it also has a 22-page guidebook, which is basically like having a doctor on call.
00:44:55.460 Yeah.
00:44:55.680 You don't have, you don't have to go on web, MD, and see if you have cancer. 0.97
00:44:58.880 They scare the shit out of you.
00:45:00.160 But it's everything from tick bites to COVID.
00:45:03.800 Yeah.
00:45:04.060 Natural disasters to supply chain shortages.
00:45:07.780 Because that's a big one, supply chain shortages.
00:45:11.040 Yeah.
00:45:11.400 They've got it covered.
00:45:12.040 Everything's covered.
00:45:12.760 Go to twc.health.
00:45:17.680 Forward slash RB.
00:45:19.260 And use the code RB.
00:45:22.640 And you'll save 10% at checkout.
00:45:25.160 That's twc.health forward slash RB. 0.52
00:45:28.220 And use the promo code RB for 10% off.
00:45:32.100 Listen to this. 0.99
00:45:33.040 I know you won't give a shit. 0.99
00:45:34.180 But Biden's new budget proposes 4.7 trillion dollars. 0.99
00:45:42.340 That's T trillion.
00:45:44.300 4.7 trillion dollars in new taxes.
00:45:54.860 Trillion?
00:45:55.860 What is that?
00:45:56.560 Like that's a billion, billion, or three times a billion, billion.
00:46:00.340 It's a thousand billion.
00:46:01.760 Good Lord.
00:46:03.120 For those with retirement accounts, they're offering Roseanne podcast listeners and supporters
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00:46:24.360 So like, okay, if you're going to buy $15,000 worth of precious metals, you'll get $750 in bonus silver.
00:46:33.720 That's pretty cool.
00:46:34.380 I haven't ever heard of that, but that's pretty cool.
00:46:37.440 Anyway, they've created a page for you.
00:46:39.560 Yeah.
00:46:40.120 It's called rblikesgold.com.
00:46:43.380 Yes.
00:46:43.960 That's me.
00:46:46.100 rblikesgold.com.
00:46:47.560 You've got your own landing page.
00:46:48.980 So this.
00:46:49.300 That's cool.
00:46:49.860 So you go there.
00:46:50.860 So you can find out more and just fill out the form.
00:46:53.240 Yeah.
00:46:53.460 Protect your wealth.
00:46:54.180 That's what it's about.
00:46:54.920 It's not an investment.
00:46:56.020 I don't tell people to buy gold and silver because like, oh, you're going to make billions
00:46:58.560 of dollars.
00:46:59.120 It's not that. 0.99
00:47:00.280 It's not Bitcoin where it's bullshit thing that's going to collapse. 0.91
00:47:03.700 It's just protecting. 0.99
00:47:04.560 It's a real Jew selling real gold. 0.99
00:47:07.120 This is like, this is what you do when you're a Jew is you sell gold. 1.00
00:47:10.020 This is what God has asked us to do.
00:47:11.620 That's why we were chosen.
00:47:12.660 But really, it's about protecting what you have.
00:47:15.400 No, I had removed my gum because I was drinking. 0.99
00:47:19.360 And he came up and said some nasty shit to me. 0.99
00:47:24.620 Like, you know, I guess they, some guys, some guy comics think talking nasty is a turn 1.00
00:47:34.140 on, I guess.
00:47:35.660 Well, yeah.
00:47:36.460 I hate when guy comics talk in general.
00:47:39.140 I do too.
00:47:39.740 Just like shh. 0.88
00:47:40.060 In person.
00:47:41.300 Yeah.
00:47:41.640 I like when they're on stage.
00:47:43.200 Me too.
00:47:43.620 They're horrendous in person.
00:47:45.160 Yeah. 1.00
00:47:45.180 They're all kind of crazy. 1.00
00:47:46.940 Crazy. 0.99
00:47:47.380 But they're not crazy like women comics. 0.99
00:47:50.060 Who do you think's crazier, women comics or men comics? 1.00
00:47:53.820 That's a good question.
00:47:54.940 I honestly, and this is not even me hating on men.
00:47:58.260 I think it's the men.
00:47:59.280 I do too.
00:48:00.040 I do too.
00:48:00.420 Men, you made a good point.
00:48:01.860 I think we've talked about this. 1.00
00:48:03.380 We're both crazy, but the men are degenerates. 1.00
00:48:06.140 Yeah. 1.00
00:48:06.620 They're degenerates on top of the shit. 1.00
00:48:08.660 You were right about that. 1.00
00:48:09.540 They're just hanging in their self and jacking off and all that kind of crazy shit. 1.00
00:48:13.300 What the fuck? 1.00
00:48:14.520 They're also so horny. 1.00
00:48:15.600 I think they asked.
00:48:17.960 What?
00:48:18.940 I think they asked Pamela Anderson one time, would you rather date a rock star or a comedian? 0.97
00:48:23.140 And she said a rock star.
00:48:24.340 Yeah.
00:48:24.460 She said comedians are too hard to deal with.
00:48:26.220 Yeah.
00:48:26.600 They are. 1.00
00:48:27.440 They're crazy. 1.00
00:48:28.780 Poor guys. 0.99
00:48:29.280 They got a, I don't know.
00:48:31.080 They got too many things going on there.
00:48:33.660 Too many wires are.
00:48:35.220 But also at the same time, how.
00:48:37.400 How, don't you feel like you're on like an island of misfit toys and you belong in the
00:48:43.040 toy box?
00:48:44.640 I know that I'm a misfit too.
00:48:46.860 Yeah.
00:48:47.380 But I don't think two misfits should ever get together. 1.00
00:48:50.540 Yeah.
00:48:50.700 That's my whole thing.
00:48:51.840 If you're a girl comic, don't get with the boy comic. 0.73
00:48:54.860 Yeah.
00:48:55.240 There's my head.
00:48:56.060 It's hard not to.
00:48:57.600 It's so hard not to.
00:48:59.360 Yeah.
00:48:59.540 Give Kim some advice.
00:49:00.520 You just can't.
00:49:01.840 You've got to get with a mental health professional.
00:49:05.060 You should.
00:49:06.800 That is my whole life.
00:49:08.160 Do you know?
00:49:09.160 Well, do you, well, it's hard because we deserve to laugh too.
00:49:14.200 I know.
00:49:14.940 But then that kind of laugh, you don't need that.
00:49:16.120 Comics aren't the only people that are funny.
00:49:17.920 Well, if you can, I'll tell you what.
00:49:19.860 A writer would be good.
00:49:21.400 No.
00:49:21.620 A comedic writer.
00:49:22.660 You'd think so.
00:49:23.060 But remember that Hollywood Boulevard movie where the writers drown in her pool?
00:49:28.920 My favorite movie.
00:49:30.020 No.
00:49:30.580 Yeah.
00:49:30.860 She uses the writers and then drowns them in her pool. 1.00
00:49:34.520 Look how excited you are. 0.95
00:49:36.040 I kind of expected when I walked into your house that you'd have young, naked men that 0.67
00:49:41.240 we'd sit on as furniture.
00:49:42.800 You'd have this.
00:49:44.260 Mom doesn't really like men or sex anymore. 0.99
00:49:46.760 I don't really.
00:49:47.700 I'm so over the goat urge.
00:49:50.040 Yeah. 1.00
00:49:50.280 She thinks people who have sex are like retarded. 1.00
00:49:53.340 I look down on them. 1.00
00:49:54.540 Yeah, she does.
00:49:54.860 Really?
00:49:55.380 Yeah.
00:49:55.760 I'm like, why would you?
00:49:57.040 I mean, but I'm 71.
00:49:58.600 Yeah.
00:49:58.940 So I'm bored.
00:50:00.080 I've done it.
00:50:00.940 I've, it's nothing.
00:50:02.740 Yeah.
00:50:03.240 She's not on hormones.
00:50:04.220 Well, I also think, you know what really freaks me out?
00:50:06.180 Have you ever met someone that's like too sexual?
00:50:09.220 Yeah.
00:50:09.840 They're scary.
00:50:10.340 It's creepers.
00:50:10.900 Yeah.
00:50:11.400 They're scary.
00:50:12.540 One time we went all into the strip club in Texas after like one of the shows.
00:50:18.320 Uh-huh.
00:50:18.580 And it was fun and I enjoy it.
00:50:21.400 And like, you know, some of the girls are cute and fun and whatever. 1.00
00:50:25.020 But there was this one stripper that was like just so aggressively horny in our section. 1.00
00:50:30.760 And she kept like, I was just like, please, like I can feel your molestation energy. 0.85
00:50:37.420 It's just like creepy.
00:50:38.940 It's creepy.
00:50:39.540 To you?
00:50:40.200 To me.
00:50:40.760 I don't like over sexual energy.
00:50:42.480 If I have a boyfriend, I don't like PDA.
00:50:44.340 I also have like, I don't like PDA at all.
00:50:47.980 I'll sit on a lap maybe and do a kiss every once in a while.
00:50:51.120 But I'm like not into like making out in public and stuff like that.
00:50:54.380 I also like, as a child, my mom used embarrassment as punishment, which is very interesting that I became a comedian.
00:51:00.860 How would she do that? 0.94
00:51:01.720 Like, she would punish me by like showing up to my school and like, you know, throwing my clothes like in the middle of the street. 0.89
00:51:12.320 Oh, I didn't do that.
00:51:12.980 Or like.
00:51:13.840 In front of the other kids?
00:51:14.740 Yeah.
00:51:15.000 I remember one time when I was 15, I threatened to kill myself.
00:51:17.640 Well, that's rough.
00:51:18.680 Yeah, and my mom brought all over the neighborhood guys and the one I had a crush on and like brought them into my room.
00:51:25.100 I was like, tell them how you said you're going to kill yourself.
00:51:27.040 Wow.
00:51:27.600 And so she would like embarrass me. 0.99
00:51:29.240 Did she want you to kill yourself or something?
00:51:30.740 No, I, no, that should have pushed me to the edge, to be honest.
00:51:33.900 But it honestly made me never threaten it again.
00:51:35.920 It kind of worked.
00:51:36.680 I was like, that was embarrassing.
00:51:38.820 But now I have a.
00:51:40.120 That kind of might be calling your bluff to the nth degree there.
00:51:43.940 It is.
00:51:44.720 But that's a risky maneuver because that could go the other way.
00:51:47.500 It could have, and I should have punished her and just off myself.
00:51:49.920 You have to keep escalating.
00:51:51.160 Yeah, but that would have showed her. 1.00
00:51:53.840 Try that again, bitch. 1.00
00:51:54.740 She's lucky I'm not a little more. 1.00
00:51:56.500 She's a sociopath. 1.00
00:51:57.920 Yeah. 1.00
00:51:58.160 That sounds pretty fucked up. 0.99
00:51:59.140 So I get very embarrassed, which is so crazy that I'm a comedian because I get humiliated. 0.99
00:52:05.180 Me too.
00:52:05.900 By anything.
00:52:06.500 Then you'll get up there on stage and do that.
00:52:07.740 Maybe that's part of it. 1.00
00:52:08.980 Because we all say you're mentally ill. 1.00
00:52:10.460 It is kind of that. 0.98
00:52:10.900 I've wondered that.
00:52:12.160 Your dad did that.
00:52:13.480 Grandpa Jerry would humiliate us.
00:52:15.780 He would do that to me too.
00:52:16.660 It was hilarious.
00:52:17.840 Oh, my God. 1.00
00:52:18.300 Remember he put his teeth in my hand and shit? 1.00
00:52:20.220 Oh, my dad. 1.00
00:52:21.420 There's nobody like mine.
00:52:21.880 He would embarrass you horribly.
00:52:23.340 Maybe that's what it is that makes people comics is like a parent that abuses you that
00:52:29.040 way.
00:52:29.240 Well, you want to, you kind of, well, I don't want to get too psychiatric.
00:52:32.840 I like to get into that stuff.
00:52:34.160 Well, you kind of want to make your vulnerabilities seen so they don't find them on their own.
00:52:40.820 Oh, that's smart.
00:52:41.980 But then you got other ones behind them ones.
00:52:44.680 Oh, my God.
00:52:45.080 So you just put the ones out that you think is a...
00:52:48.080 And you hide the good ones.
00:52:49.160 Yeah, you hide the real ones.
00:52:51.000 You hide the good stuff.
00:52:51.820 It's like a lightning rod.
00:52:52.900 Huh?
00:52:53.220 You're using it like a lightning rod.
00:52:54.540 Yeah, because you know that they'll laugh at themselves that way.
00:52:57.940 Right.
00:52:58.740 But there's other things behind it that are, you know, where the real jokes come from.
00:53:05.420 Yeah.
00:53:06.060 Yeah.
00:53:06.420 I always love that someone told me that Mitzi used to say, like, when you go on stage,
00:53:11.540 don't tell a joke.
00:53:12.300 Tell the truth.
00:53:13.440 Yeah, she did say that.
00:53:14.580 And that's one of my favorite things.
00:53:15.940 And that's like the authenticity thing again.
00:53:17.900 It makes for the funny.
00:53:18.900 You ever see a comic go on stage and they're just trying to be funny?
00:53:21.740 Did you know her?
00:53:22.740 Did you ever meet her?
00:53:24.000 No, she's gone.
00:53:24.920 It's like the saddest thing of my life that I've never met.
00:53:27.300 Here's what she told me.
00:53:29.920 No Puerto Ricans. 1.00
00:53:31.680 No, she loved everybody.
00:53:33.220 Oh, okay.
00:53:33.600 She'd tell you to play up your identity.
00:53:38.880 She'd probably say, like, they've never seen a Puerto Rican sexy gal. 1.00
00:53:45.740 She'd tell you to play it up, you know.
00:53:47.700 I love it.
00:53:48.280 But she told me, yeah, you're, I don't know why I'm doing the voice.
00:53:53.160 Because I whine just as much.
00:53:54.940 No, you're channeling her.
00:53:56.140 I'm channeling her.
00:53:57.060 She goes, you're kind of like a farmer.
00:54:00.360 That's why you need to wear overalls and stuff.
00:54:03.160 Like, it's your Midwestern farmer.
00:54:05.900 Yeah, that's your.
00:54:07.840 I think she was right.
00:54:08.920 I think she was right, too.
00:54:09.820 I'm not going to lie to you.
00:54:10.840 It's a good note.
00:54:11.040 The first four years of my stand-up, I also wore overalls because I was obsessed with you.
00:54:14.980 Really?
00:54:15.520 That's so cute.
00:54:15.640 I wore overalls and chew gum because I just thought you were the coolest.
00:54:18.960 Yes.
00:54:19.060 See, I like that. 1.00
00:54:19.880 Overalls are the shit. 1.00
00:54:20.800 They're the shit. 1.00
00:54:21.280 They're so comfortable and cool. 1.00
00:54:22.340 They're making, what do they call them, jumpsuits.
00:54:25.800 They're making a huge comeback.
00:54:27.320 The romper.
00:54:28.220 Yeah.
00:54:28.580 They're the best stand-up outfits for women, I think.
00:54:30.720 I'm like, I always say, like, overalls are cute and they cover everything and you're
00:54:35.200 comfortable in them.
00:54:36.640 You look so chic.
00:54:38.300 I know.
00:54:38.660 This is, I'm trying, like, a new thing because I'm trying to, like, find a husband.
00:54:42.620 You don't want a husband. 1.00
00:54:43.480 I look like a lesbian most of the time. 0.56
00:54:45.040 Yeah, but you don't want, you just, you know, it's so.
00:54:50.040 I want one. 0.99
00:54:50.620 I'm so sick of, like, carrying my own shit. 1.00
00:54:53.620 Yeah. 1.00
00:54:54.180 I want someone to just hire an assistant. 1.00
00:54:56.000 Get a male assistant. 1.00
00:54:57.180 Get a gay one. 1.00
00:54:57.460 I will when I can afford one in a year. 0.98
00:55:00.160 Yeah.
00:55:00.520 Well, they'll work for free if they think you're going somewhere.
00:55:02.600 That's true.
00:55:03.340 You should leverage that.
00:55:04.240 That's true.
00:55:05.440 That's a good point.
00:55:06.040 Who?
00:55:06.820 A guy. 0.99
00:55:08.160 A gay guy will do it. 1.00
00:55:09.640 Yeah, then you have to pay a gay guy. 1.00
00:55:10.760 A straight guy. 0.99
00:55:11.720 You do have to pay a gay guy. 0.99
00:55:13.020 A straight guy that's got a crush on you, you could get a free year out of him.
00:55:16.100 If he's rich, he'll work for free if he has a crush on you.
00:55:19.920 You'll be fine.
00:55:20.240 Oh, my God. 1.00
00:55:20.920 If I would tell you the kind of shit women used to do. 1.00
00:55:24.560 What? 1.00
00:55:24.980 But I don't know if they do it anymore.
00:55:26.540 Well, let's find out.
00:55:27.620 Yeah, I might do it.
00:55:29.140 Help her out. 0.97
00:55:30.340 No, I think women have changed a lot. 1.00
00:55:32.280 I've seen the change in women. 1.00
00:55:33.700 Like what?
00:55:34.460 Particularly through women comics. 0.99
00:55:37.960 Just women have a way to make their own way in the world now. 1.00
00:55:42.540 And that was kind of rare.
00:55:44.600 Like OnlyFans?
00:55:46.260 Yeah.
00:55:47.100 It is kind of that.
00:55:48.600 Yeah.
00:55:49.120 What do you think about that?
00:55:50.200 What's your opinions on OnlyFans and women doing like sex work like that? 1.00
00:55:55.160 Well, I think that's, you know, like a fast way out.
00:55:59.940 It is.
00:56:00.980 So, you know, if you got it, you might.
00:56:02.820 You're in a pinch.
00:56:03.400 Yeah, if you're in it, you might as well not be, you know, that song.
00:56:08.620 Might as well sell it instead of just sitting on it.
00:56:11.140 Oh, my God.
00:56:12.500 I've never heard that.
00:56:13.600 That's from the 50s.
00:56:14.500 That's, instead of sitting on it, it's a visceral image.
00:56:18.880 Might as well sell it instead of just sitting on it. 0.99
00:56:21.900 Damn. 0.99
00:56:22.760 You know, if you need a way out. 1.00
00:56:25.680 But are you talking about.
00:56:26.480 Unfortunately, you know, these women, they're going to college and getting five degrees in 1.00
00:56:33.200 this and that and they can't make a living anyway. 1.00
00:56:35.960 Because they're getting stupid bullshit degrees. 1.00
00:56:37.680 They're not getting real degrees. 1.00
00:56:38.820 Yeah.
00:56:39.100 No.
00:56:39.560 No, I say don't go to college unless you need a degree for your job.
00:56:43.100 Like really look into your job and ask yourself, are they going to look up if I have a degree?
00:56:47.800 Yeah.
00:56:47.900 And if it's a no, quit.
00:56:49.700 Yeah.
00:56:50.280 Make the connection.
00:56:51.140 Go for a few semesters.
00:56:52.180 Make some connections.
00:56:53.380 Meet some lawyer sons and some people that are doctors.
00:56:55.860 And in college, the only benefit, I dropped out of college my senior year to do stand
00:57:00.240 up.
00:57:00.920 I came to LA for the summer off an internship, popped in, did the OR and then did Kill Tony.
00:57:07.760 And the next day I dropped out of school.
00:57:09.260 I completely dropped out.
00:57:10.200 And the only thing.
00:57:11.040 Good for you.
00:57:11.660 That benefited me was the connections I made.
00:57:14.140 That's why you go.
00:57:14.780 The three years.
00:57:15.260 The friends I had.
00:57:15.880 I had doctors.
00:57:16.720 I had lawyers.
00:57:17.380 Yeah.
00:57:17.940 I knew people from around the country.
00:57:19.420 I can go to 10 different states now and have somewhere to stay.
00:57:22.660 That's all good and well, but you don't really need a degree for stand up.
00:57:26.020 No.
00:57:26.520 No.
00:57:26.900 Anything.
00:57:27.420 I think my advice to young women, drop out of college, learn how to do stand up comedy 0.99
00:57:32.060 or become a pool, a really good pool player.
00:57:36.200 Because women do have a thing with seeing angles on a board. 1.00
00:57:40.900 I love pool.
00:57:41.620 And they should, women are good pool players. 1.00
00:57:44.460 And I think those two things are really good.
00:57:47.660 Stand up and pool.
00:57:49.040 Are good, far better than going to college.
00:57:52.080 I agree with that.
00:57:52.960 College is a way to do that.
00:57:53.520 And learning to go get a craft, or not a craft, but I mean like-
00:57:57.460 A skill.
00:57:58.060 Being a skill.
00:57:59.000 Yeah.
00:57:59.900 Plumbers.
00:58:00.440 Women aren't going to do that. 1.00
00:58:02.840 Electricians.
00:58:03.620 Those people work forever.
00:58:05.620 No, I know.
00:58:06.320 They always have a job.
00:58:07.320 Those are things women need to do. 1.00
00:58:10.040 Welding.
00:58:10.360 Labor jobs.
00:58:11.400 Welding.
00:58:11.900 Yeah.
00:58:12.580 Yeah.
00:58:12.820 There's a lot of really good jobs out there that women can make a lot of money on. 1.00
00:58:16.480 One of them is construction management.
00:58:18.640 You don't even have to be on the site.
00:58:20.100 You show up and make sure everyone's working.
00:58:22.200 And then you make a bunch of money.
00:58:23.820 Yeah.
00:58:24.080 I was trying to get my sister to do that. 1.00
00:58:25.720 But yeah, I love pool.
00:58:27.200 I love poker.
00:58:28.500 Poker's good.
00:58:29.160 I love to gamble.
00:58:29.560 Women have the mind for gambling. 1.00
00:58:31.440 So I have this.
00:58:32.240 I wanted to do this thing.
00:58:33.540 I've been trying to teach my sister how to play poker. 1.00
00:58:35.240 Because I'm like, when I go, I go to the casino sometimes, Commerce or the other one
00:58:40.760 over here at Hollywood Park.
00:58:43.060 And I used to wear sweatpants and a sweatshirt and dress like a boy, glasses, ponytail.
00:58:48.740 And I'd play and it'd be fun.
00:58:50.380 The last time I went, I was like, let me try dressing sexy.
00:58:53.940 So I went full cleavage out.
00:58:55.640 And I'm telling you, I must have gotten $200 worth of free money.
00:58:59.360 If I lost a thing and I'd be like, well, I got to go, the guys would be like, no, stay.
00:59:03.560 And they'd throw chips.
00:59:04.520 And I told my sister, I'm like, why don't we, the place is open all night.
00:59:09.560 They say, open 24-7.
00:59:10.760 I'm like, why don't we go to bed at 5 o'clock, wake up at midnight, dress up like we've been
00:59:15.860 partying all night, mess up our hair, but like we're fresh brain.
00:59:19.040 And then go wipe out the table of dudes that have been there for eight hours.
00:59:23.180 They'd be tired.
00:59:24.280 They're ready to go home.
00:59:25.080 Of course, now you're thinking.
00:59:25.640 Yeah, I'm like, we should do that.
00:59:27.280 That's smart.
00:59:27.940 You want to join me?
00:59:28.940 I would go.
00:59:29.860 I would go.
00:59:30.800 Let's go.
00:59:31.000 Yeah, I would go.
00:59:33.020 Because why not?
00:59:34.520 And give them a thrill.
00:59:37.380 Give them a, they'll pay to have a little entertainment. 0.99
00:59:39.720 They're bored and they're surrounded by other men.
00:59:42.000 They're like dying to have some feminine energy after a few hours. 1.00
00:59:45.220 Men miss women.
00:59:46.620 It doesn't matter how badly they treat us.
00:59:48.720 When we're gone and we come around, you can tell they miss you.
00:59:51.420 It's true.
00:59:51.860 And I'm telling you what, they miss, you know, men miss a broad, it used to be called.
00:59:59.680 Yeah.
01:00:00.300 You know, like Mae West type with the jokes. 0.77
01:00:04.220 Yes.
01:00:04.560 Cool chicks. 1.00
01:00:05.260 Yeah, cool chicks or whatever. 1.00
01:00:06.900 They miss the jokes. 0.98
01:00:08.800 See, but they're forced to be in the room with the lesbians. 1.00
01:00:12.660 And hence, they're like laugh shamed by the lesbians who are anti-humor. 1.00
01:00:20.040 You see where I'm going with this? 0.97
01:00:21.340 Yeah.
01:00:21.620 You're very anti-lesbian. 1.00
01:00:22.860 You should make merch that says lesbians killed comedy. 1.00
01:00:25.500 They did. 0.99
01:00:26.720 They did.
01:00:27.700 They did. 0.90
01:00:28.280 Do you know how all the publicists in Hollywood are lesbians? 1.00
01:00:33.580 I thought they were gay guys. 0.91
01:00:35.060 No, they used to be gay guys, but now they're not. 0.99
01:00:38.540 Gay guys are running the organizations. 1.00
01:00:40.860 But all the publicists are lesbians now, which is why you're not able to say anything without 1.00
01:00:49.160 fucking pissing somebody off and, you know, being called out for it. 0.99
01:00:54.080 Yeah, I agree with you. 1.00
01:00:55.020 For me, it's like less lesbian, but I call them in LA.
01:00:58.420 I hate when I'm driving, I see them. 0.99
01:01:00.360 I call them white knight cucks. 0.98
01:01:01.860 Yeah, that's perfect. 0.99
01:01:02.520 It's LA white knight cucks. 1.00
01:01:03.720 It's people that are like just fucking, they get off on being righteous. 1.00
01:01:08.000 Like it makes, they're missing something internally and they didn't get some sort of validation. 0.99
01:01:12.360 So they just want to side with whatever the bigger number is.
01:01:16.740 And when I was driving, oh my gosh, this really happened to me.
01:01:20.000 I was driving.
01:01:20.620 I rarely. 0.99
01:01:21.020 Isn't it a self-righteous shit thing? 0.99
01:01:22.760 It's self-righteous. 1.00
01:01:23.760 It's actually more selfish than not.
01:01:25.540 I want to hear the story you're driving.
01:01:26.620 I was driving, and I've noticed this because LA, you could tell the temperament and how
01:01:33.560 like woke and rule following the city is by the traffic.
01:01:38.320 If you're driving in LA, and I want you to notice this next time, the right lanes will
01:01:43.620 always be open.
01:01:45.600 Always.
01:01:46.160 It'll be miles of traffic and the right lane is open because the people are scared to,
01:01:50.380 when you're illegally allowed to, to go in and merge back in away from the cars.
01:01:55.220 And the whole town is so scared to have to get in front of someone because that's who
01:01:59.040 they are.
01:01:59.600 We shouldn't get in front of others.
01:02:01.220 And I'm like, you're actually creating more traffic by staying in this lane than just being
01:02:05.860 cool and going with the flow.
01:02:07.320 And I feel like that is kind of the whole thing.
01:02:09.440 Yeah.
01:02:09.600 You're looking at like an anthropologist through traffic.
01:02:11.740 That's fascinating.
01:02:12.700 I never thought of that.
01:02:13.620 Because I, I remember being like driving when I was younger was much more aggressive.
01:02:17.720 And I've noticed that too.
01:02:18.980 People are much more positive.
01:02:19.520 And they're causing more traffic.
01:02:21.140 No, they're hesitant.
01:02:21.540 The more careful they are.
01:02:22.440 It's like people that get mad when you're, when you go, like you're going to go on the
01:02:25.500 exit and merge back in.
01:02:26.740 Those people get so mad at you.
01:02:28.440 But if you look up the statistics, that's actually helps flow traffic better than people
01:02:33.080 that don't do that. 0.71
01:02:34.140 And it's like, why are you mad at me for just going quicker than you?
01:02:37.780 Why are you mad that I'm quicker than you?
01:02:39.620 You're mad at yourself because you were too scared to do that.
01:02:42.380 You're not mad at me.
01:02:43.160 You're mad at you.
01:02:44.140 Yeah.
01:02:44.480 And then if you're like one second over the time when, when the light changes, they can't
01:02:51.840 wait.
01:02:52.320 They live for it.
01:02:53.560 Oh, the rule happened.
01:02:54.880 You're breaking the rules.
01:02:55.940 I hate it.
01:02:56.640 I was driving.
01:02:57.560 There is me, me driving a guy in front of me, no traffic behind me.
01:03:03.440 And the guy in front of me, I see there's, you know, those prisoners that work on the
01:03:06.980 side of the roads.
01:03:07.720 They're working on the side of the road and they're trying to cross the street, but I can
01:03:10.780 see that they're waiting for me and this guy to pass so that they, there's no traffic
01:03:14.020 behind us.
01:03:14.460 They can cross the guy in front of me.
01:03:16.380 Because he's a white knight cuck slams on, slams on his brakes to let these people go 1.00
01:03:21.260 by because he has to be righteous.
01:03:22.540 He has to be the person that lets them go because they're prisoners.
01:03:25.280 I already know. 1.00
01:03:26.160 I see the fucking stickers on the car. 1.00
01:03:28.180 I already know who he is. 1.00
01:03:29.200 Right.
01:03:29.920 The coexist.
01:03:30.980 I see it. 1.00
01:03:31.700 I hate those fucks. 1.00
01:03:32.880 I hate those fucks. 1.00
01:03:33.280 And so he slams on his brakes. 1.00
01:03:34.900 I almost hit him.
01:03:36.340 And then.
01:03:36.820 I wish you had.
01:03:37.740 Yeah.
01:03:37.880 I wish I had to.
01:03:38.900 And all the prisoners after this, because I slam on the brakes.
01:03:43.200 Then he's going like this to the prisoners and they're going like, no, you go.
01:03:47.240 We're waiting for the cars to go by.
01:03:48.920 And he's going, you go. 0.98
01:03:50.480 So then I fucking honk and I rolled down my window. 1.00
01:03:53.380 I go, one of you fucking go. 1.00
01:03:55.580 Yeah. 1.00
01:03:55.920 Good.
01:03:56.100 And then the dude, then they all turn on me.
01:04:00.460 They all turn on me. 1.00
01:04:01.440 Now they're working together and they're like, fuck you. 1.00
01:04:03.600 And I go to go around the driver and he blocks me. 1.00
01:04:05.860 So now he's being aggressive.
01:04:07.300 So I wait.
01:04:08.300 The prisoners go.
01:04:09.220 They're laughing.
01:04:10.000 And that guy comes up to the window and he rolls down the window and he's like, have a heart. 1.00
01:04:15.480 Oh, fuck you. 1.00
01:04:15.920 Have a heart. 1.00
01:04:16.960 And I just went, you're a cock. 1.00
01:04:18.920 I was like so angry. 0.99
01:04:20.280 But it's like, it's actually not about having a heart because in my heart, I was going to go
01:04:24.820 so they could cross the street easier.
01:04:26.780 But I didn't have the need to need validations from the prisoners that I did something for them.
01:04:32.860 You did.
01:04:33.760 Right.
01:04:34.100 And it's like that, that I hate. 1.00
01:04:35.820 I hate that shit. 1.00
01:04:36.620 I hate it. 1.00
01:04:37.300 It's so fake. 1.00
01:04:38.500 It's that pretense shit. 0.99
01:04:40.480 I used to, I want, used to wanted to do a thing where you showed the, cause I hate Hollywood. 0.99
01:04:47.300 Once I got in there, it was like, yeah, God.
01:04:50.960 And, but, uh, I wanted to show where the one thing they will, um, support their charity.
01:04:58.920 I want to have a graph that this is the charity they support.
01:05:03.380 Uh, and this is the sin they actually commit.
01:05:07.040 And here's the graph where they meet.
01:05:09.960 That's what it is.
01:05:11.280 That's how I saw it.
01:05:12.560 That's how it is.
01:05:13.380 It is like that.
01:05:14.320 It's dark.
01:05:15.180 It is really dark.
01:05:16.100 It's really dark.
01:05:16.820 But comedy is the light of it all, you know, and those are the only movies that makes any 0.99
01:05:22.040 money for the rest of their shit. 0.99
01:05:24.880 You know. 0.99
01:05:25.280 It's the comedies and that's what they're, they're just ruining comedy and that just incenses
01:05:30.580 me.
01:05:31.300 That's what I want to talk about.
01:05:31.960 But we'll get it back some other way.
01:05:33.880 Well, you guys are fighting the younger comics.
01:05:35.640 I've noticed you, like Kill Tony or The Mothership.
01:05:38.800 Like that's one of the things I want to do.
01:05:39.760 I'm talking about movies.
01:05:41.020 No, I know.
01:05:41.660 But there's a, there's a movement now to, to, to push back.
01:05:45.060 Oh my God.
01:05:45.780 I just wrote the most offensive, funny movie.
01:05:48.180 Oh my God.
01:05:48.620 I want to read it.
01:05:49.580 I'm so excited about it.
01:05:50.980 I'll, I, I feel like it's not bad to say your ideas out loud.
01:05:53.960 Is it?
01:05:54.280 It's very bad.
01:05:55.060 You should do an indie.
01:05:55.820 Well, sort of because someone will steal it.
01:05:57.800 Even if it's already written?
01:05:59.280 Is it trademarked?
01:06:00.540 No.
01:06:01.120 No, don't do it.
01:06:01.860 Trademark it.
01:06:02.500 And then, see, cause they're like this.
01:06:04.920 Mail it to yourself.
01:06:05.120 Everything you're saying.
01:06:06.820 Tell us off there.
01:06:08.420 Yeah.
01:06:08.880 Or you can write it.
01:06:09.660 Mail it to yourself.
01:06:10.660 Certified mail.
01:06:11.240 Don't open it.
01:06:11.420 Yeah.
01:06:11.660 I wrote a movie about cancel culture.
01:06:13.120 I love it.
01:06:13.740 Oh, I love it.
01:06:14.560 I want to make it.
01:06:15.600 Yeah.
01:06:15.760 Can you make it?
01:06:16.380 Yeah.
01:06:16.920 I want to make it.
01:06:17.660 No, it's not done.
01:06:18.340 It's just fully written out.
01:06:19.720 Me and my, my, my podcast partner, Sarah Weinshank, we wrote it together.
01:06:23.460 Well, can I read it?
01:06:24.560 Yes.
01:06:24.680 And can I put notes on it?
01:06:26.240 Absolutely.
01:06:26.800 She loves notes. 1.00
01:06:27.420 You know I'll put some fucking notes on it. 1.00
01:06:29.320 Yes. 1.00
01:06:29.660 Yes.
01:06:30.140 And if it gets made, can you be in it?
01:06:32.500 Of course.
01:06:32.980 Well, you're the queen of cancel culture. 1.00
01:06:34.520 You're the only one that actually got canceled.
01:06:35.740 I'm the queen of skank cancel culture. 1.00
01:06:38.080 It's, I'm the skankiest skank and cancel skank. 1.00
01:06:43.420 Well, that's the thing I always want to say is like, you know, I'm glad comics are stepping 0.99
01:06:47.180 up now and fighting back, but when she was going through that, no one said shit. 0.98
01:06:50.900 And that's why I'm still pissed. 0.98
01:06:51.820 Like nobody backed you up when you were going through your cancel. 0.99
01:06:55.620 Comics were pussies. 0.99
01:06:56.860 And now they're all going out there and like, look at me. 0.99
01:06:58.920 I'm not, not that you did this, but other ones are like, I'm anti-cancel culture. 0.98
01:07:02.000 It's like, where the fuck were you four or five years ago? 1.00
01:07:04.280 Say shit about me. 1.00
01:07:05.200 That's why I get mad. 1.00
01:07:05.920 I'm not going to name names, but that's why I'm mad.
01:07:07.740 No, I know what you mean.
01:07:08.680 Yeah.
01:07:09.040 And I'm glad that you're authentic about it.
01:07:10.900 Yeah.
01:07:11.180 No, I would have, but I just, uh, I don't, I don't tweet like that.
01:07:14.780 Yeah.
01:07:15.040 I post and ghost.
01:07:16.220 I'm in and out. 0.99
01:07:16.940 But I'm like, you know, uh, bitch, you wasn't there. 1.00
01:07:21.960 Yeah. 1.00
01:07:22.320 So I'm like, for whatever the fuck I'll say. 0.99
01:07:24.700 I got to tell you, every time I heard. 1.00
01:07:26.380 From now on, I just go, bitch, you wasn't there. 1.00
01:07:30.060 I'll say that for everybody. 0.98
01:07:31.400 And that goes way back because people used to, here's how it was.
01:07:37.000 One thing when I, when I was doing my act, people used to come up to me and go, I love
01:07:43.740 what you do.
01:07:44.500 Women. 0.81
01:07:45.000 They're scared to say that.
01:07:45.920 I love parties.
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01:08:17.940 I love what you're doing.
01:08:20.380 Yeah.
01:08:20.900 But I don't think they do that no more, do they?
01:08:23.500 But that's, I used to hear that and I'd be like, what a freak show.
01:08:27.860 And then I'd go to the Midwest, you know, everybody's like in Iowa.
01:08:32.060 I mean, I love Iowa because I was thin there.
01:08:35.900 Oh yeah. 0.99
01:08:36.680 And they're all like, fuck yeah, let's go. 0.99
01:08:39.820 You're telling the truth. 0.99
01:08:41.500 Yeah. 1.00
01:08:41.740 Fuck them. 1.00
01:08:42.960 They're big, strong women. 1.00
01:08:44.600 But out in Hollywood, I love what you're saying.
01:08:47.780 They're scared.
01:08:48.520 Yeah.
01:08:49.020 They're scared.
01:08:50.580 They're scared of.
01:08:51.820 They're scared to be truthful.
01:08:52.780 They're scared of real women. 1.00
01:08:54.660 Yeah.
01:08:55.280 Ain't they?
01:08:56.180 Yeah.
01:08:56.720 We're scary.
01:08:57.420 We're powerful.
01:08:59.060 Rare. 1.00
01:08:59.460 We're some scary fucking. 1.00
01:09:00.400 We're scary as fuck. 1.00
01:09:01.300 We're scary as fuck. 1.00
01:09:01.840 Dude, if I watched a woman, if I didn't know what giving birth was and I watched a woman 1.00
01:09:05.400 give birth, I'd be like, that's a demon. 0.96
01:09:07.480 That's a demon. 0.97
01:09:08.360 Like, that's crazy.
01:09:09.860 Yeah.
01:09:10.160 That's crazy that that happened. 1.00
01:09:11.660 Or if I didn't know what that was, like the fact, women are insane. 1.00
01:09:15.420 They are. 1.00
01:09:15.660 In a good way.
01:09:16.480 Yeah.
01:09:16.800 Not always.
01:09:17.240 You don't ever want to, you don't ever want to go through that if you get the choice
01:09:21.040 of whether to do that or not, don't.
01:09:23.580 Really?
01:09:24.080 No.
01:09:24.220 Well, do you want to have kids?
01:09:24.660 Is it not worth it to be, I definitely want to have kids.
01:09:27.360 I don't know if I want to be pregnant.
01:09:28.860 It kind of grosses me out.
01:09:29.920 Yeah.
01:09:30.100 The whole process.
01:09:30.680 It's really gross.
01:09:31.260 You got to be pregnant though because you saw like, was it Khloe Kardashian that did the
01:09:35.040 surrogate?
01:09:35.500 She didn't have a bond with the baby at first.
01:09:37.480 Yeah.
01:09:37.960 Maybe ever.
01:09:39.040 You got to, I mean, that's just, I'm a man.
01:09:41.440 A lot of people don't bond with the kid they have too.
01:09:43.660 They don't have kids. 0.99
01:09:44.220 They throw it against the wall and kill it. 1.00
01:09:45.840 Yeah. 0.92
01:09:46.080 It's a good point. 1.00
01:09:46.940 Let's take the mystery out of the shit. 1.00
01:09:48.420 It's true. 1.00
01:09:49.240 People are fucking psychotic. 1.00
01:09:50.540 You have to want to do it. 1.00
01:09:52.060 Yeah.
01:09:52.540 Some people make good parents and some people, they just, you know, what does it matter?
01:09:57.320 We're all going to be dead soon. 1.00
01:09:58.600 We're all going to be fucking dead soon. 1.00
01:10:00.800 Dead as a fucking doorknob. 1.00
01:10:03.260 Dead. 1.00
01:10:03.460 No one's going to care.
01:10:04.860 How's it going to happen?
01:10:06.120 What do you put, 20 years or less?
01:10:09.180 Oh God, I think less.
01:10:11.160 I think we've got six hours.
01:10:13.760 We got to make that movie.
01:10:15.360 Yeah, we do.
01:10:16.420 We got to get on that movie.
01:10:17.200 We got to piss people off before we go. 1.00
01:10:19.080 Let's fucking drop a big fucking nugget. 1.00
01:10:22.260 Yeah. 1.00
01:10:22.600 I want to go out in a fit of rage.
01:10:25.900 I think that's a great, what's the most rage-filled thing you could say to end this psyop we've
01:10:35.100 been perpetrating on humanity this hour?
01:10:38.640 Conjoined twins were the original they-them's. 0.99
01:10:45.900 I think you're right.
01:10:49.080 Yeah.
01:10:49.780 They're the first ones.
01:10:52.420 It's their thing.
01:10:53.700 They're the they-them's. 1.00
01:10:54.960 And it should only be they-them. 1.00
01:10:57.380 There's two of them.
01:10:58.520 Yeah.
01:10:59.620 You didn't see when we were little.
01:11:02.740 Oh, but in Utah, you know, that wasn't that unusual.
01:11:06.240 Because of the embryo.
01:11:06.680 The conjoined twin thing in Salt Lake City.
01:11:09.480 Why?
01:11:10.300 It was so every day.
01:11:12.600 Ew, what do you mean you saw conjoined twins every day?
01:11:15.060 All the time in Salt Lake.
01:11:16.860 They have a lot of disabled people in Salt Lake.
01:11:18.440 All the time.
01:11:19.420 I got to tell you how unhinged it is that you both are casually telling me that there's
01:11:22.680 an-
01:11:22.800 I can't believe you don't know this.
01:11:23.500 Overconsumption of conjoined twins in Salt Lake City. 1.00
01:11:26.260 What the fuck is happening with the Mormons? 1.00
01:11:28.640 They're inbreeding. 1.00
01:11:29.140 I grew up.
01:11:29.940 No, I don't know what-
01:11:31.400 Well, they do marry their cousins like the Jews. 1.00
01:11:32.540 There's 40 of them in a desert 100 years ago, and now there's millions. 1.00
01:11:35.580 You don't get there without fucking your sister. 1.00
01:11:37.860 Well, it's the same dad and 40 wives. 1.00
01:11:39.440 It's an ancestry that gets them conjoined?
01:11:42.200 Well, I'm just telling you what I saw.
01:11:43.860 There's a lot of-
01:11:44.580 There was the Nelson conjoined twins when I grew up, and they was joined at the head.
01:11:51.120 See, a lot of them, another pair of them was conjoined at the chest, so they couldn't
01:11:56.520 separate them because there was only one heart between them.
01:12:00.100 Yeah. 0.98
01:12:00.420 So in order to separate them, they had to actually kill one of them.
01:12:05.560 So they just let them live that way, and they got along fine, you know? 0.56
01:12:09.960 They have to.
01:12:10.780 I know.
01:12:11.320 They didn't have any problems.
01:12:12.220 Jesus.
01:12:12.500 And they live to be like in their 20s.
01:12:15.100 They shouldn't.
01:12:15.560 We need some conjoined twin stand-ups. 1.00
01:12:18.520 A couple 20s.
01:12:18.940 I know.
01:12:19.200 That would definitely be-
01:12:20.960 They have two mics, and they're connected backwards at the head, and then they could have
01:12:24.680 different faces when they come around.
01:12:26.760 He said, she said.
01:12:28.020 One says the setup.
01:12:28.940 The other one does the punchline.
01:12:30.320 That'd be great.
01:12:31.200 That would really, really-
01:12:32.680 That would get me.
01:12:33.620 Everyone could be all scared.
01:12:34.960 That could go on America's Got Talent.
01:12:37.040 Simon Cowell would nut at seeing that.
01:12:40.220 That would be a big deal.
01:12:41.620 Yeah.
01:12:42.180 If that would ever happen.
01:12:44.520 We could probably make it happen, but that would be offensive, and it would be wrong.
01:12:49.760 It'd be hilarious.
01:12:50.800 It would be funny.
01:12:52.440 Oh, man.
01:12:53.180 I think the most offensive thing I could say is maybe we won't get lucky and die.
01:13:03.840 Yeah, we will have to live too.
01:13:04.920 Maybe we'll have to live.
01:13:06.220 Yeah.
01:13:06.740 Maybe we'll have to live like this forever.
01:13:09.840 Can I tell you, I have a theory-
01:13:11.560 What?
01:13:11.860 That this is really narcissistic.
01:13:15.100 That nobody else has ever existed.
01:13:18.140 We're the only ones.
01:13:19.240 It's all simulation.
01:13:20.600 History has been made up.
01:13:21.760 We're the only ones, and when we get old, we go back to the beginning and just start over.
01:13:26.620 You mean you're the only, just you?
01:13:28.220 Not even me, whoever's in this world, and maybe I created them, so they're real in my own mind
01:13:33.940 or whatever it is, but-
01:13:35.520 They're holograms that you created out of your perceptions and fears.
01:13:39.140 Yeah, maybe.
01:13:39.580 Maybe.
01:13:40.240 Whatever it is, I have a theory that by the time it's time to go, it's going to go back again,
01:13:45.640 and it just keeps going.
01:13:47.360 It's possible.
01:13:48.100 Possible and probable.
01:13:49.720 Because who knows?
01:13:51.760 Yeah, who does know?
01:13:53.740 This probably isn't even this.
01:13:55.860 No.
01:13:56.820 I could be hallucinating in a prison right now.
01:13:59.180 I could be with padded walls around me thinking I'm talking to Roseanne, and they're like,
01:14:02.420 she thinks she's with Roseanne again.
01:14:04.100 Poor girl. 1.00
01:14:04.440 That's kind of how I feel.
01:14:05.880 It's like, she thinks she is Roseanne.
01:14:08.420 You're not even Roseanne.
01:14:10.640 I am. 0.99
01:14:14.080 That's how fucking delusional she is. 1.00
01:14:16.880 Oh, God. 0.99
01:14:17.700 I know that'll be the way it ends for me at some point.
01:14:20.760 You just-
01:14:21.320 What it ends? 1.00
01:14:21.820 Or I'll be in a nut house, and they'll go, that fucking old fat bitch thinks she's Roseanne. 1.00
01:14:26.860 She's so fucking nuts. 1.00
01:14:29.200 She thinks she's Roseanne. 1.00
01:14:31.200 She's Roseanne.
01:14:31.960 As if the real Roseanne would ever sink that low.
01:14:37.440 Oh, my God.
01:14:38.400 And then they're like, poking me and putting me in the, I don't know.
01:14:45.520 I don't know.
01:14:46.740 Something horrifying.
01:14:48.000 Are you scared to die?
01:14:49.980 No, I'm not afraid to die, because I almost, you know, I'm not afraid of that.
01:14:54.080 I'm afraid of what happens just before.
01:14:56.820 If, here's my real thing.
01:14:59.540 If I was on a desert island, I'd have no fear.
01:15:02.940 But to have people that you're supposed to love and trust around you is my worst fear.
01:15:09.520 Because you think you're going to say something horrible?
01:15:11.600 Well, because you never know. 1.00
01:15:14.160 And that's their last chance to fuck with you. 1.00
01:15:19.380 That's their last fucking chance to fuck with you. 1.00
01:15:22.100 Like I told my son today, the one you met, I go, wait till you all fucking find out at 1.00
01:15:28.040 the reading of the will. 0.97
01:15:29.720 Oh, I don't think I won't have the last laugh.
01:15:34.220 But you're not going to do that because you want to be there when the will's red and everyone's
01:15:38.580 pissed.
01:15:38.880 So you're going to have to fake your death because you're not going to miss that. 0.99
01:15:41.420 There's no way you would miss that.
01:15:42.360 That's the movie I want to write.
01:15:43.980 And I kind of am writing about a woman that fakes her own death because she's tired of being
01:15:49.320 famous.
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01:17:18.800 I love that.
01:17:20.480 That's great.
01:17:21.320 I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
01:17:23.020 Yeah, I want to read to it.
01:17:24.080 Can you tell me a little without giving the...
01:17:26.320 He already did.
01:17:27.520 We just said cancel culture.
01:17:28.400 It's a female version of The Hangover. 0.99
01:17:30.300 Oh, I love it!
01:17:31.360 Yeah.
01:17:32.320 And instead...
01:17:32.960 I get to play the Mike Tyson part.
01:17:34.840 Yeah, please.
01:17:36.340 Definitely.
01:17:36.900 Please.
01:17:37.480 Please.
01:17:38.480 Yeah.
01:17:39.060 And instead of looking for a missing groom, we're looking for something that can get us
01:17:43.780 canceled.
01:17:44.940 That went missing.
01:17:46.800 Yeah.
01:17:47.120 I wonder what that is.
01:17:48.180 Oh my God.
01:17:48.880 That reminds me of when I had to give up an organ to get off the ABC reality show I was
01:17:56.420 on.
01:17:56.680 It's a true story.
01:17:56.840 Wait, what?
01:17:57.400 Yeah.
01:17:57.900 Yeah.
01:17:58.320 What organ?
01:17:59.460 I had to give up my uterus. 0.73
01:18:00.960 I had to demand that they take out my uterus so I could get off this ABC reality show. 0.98
01:18:07.320 This is a true story.
01:18:08.320 It's 100% true, Kim.
01:18:09.420 They had me on.
01:18:10.480 I was there.
01:18:10.860 Wait, why?
01:18:11.060 And then I went back to ABC after that.
01:18:15.360 That's very Jewish. 0.93
01:18:16.720 Isn't it? 1.00
01:18:17.620 Isn't it so fucking Jewish? 1.00
01:18:20.080 It is. 1.00
01:18:20.400 Well, you know, I forgive them.
01:18:23.220 Wow.
01:18:23.540 Why would you forgive Nazis? 0.81
01:18:25.940 Oh my goodness. 1.00
01:18:26.640 You stupid cow. 1.00
01:18:29.240 Oh my goodness. 1.00
01:18:29.500 This is my internal dialogue show.
01:18:32.460 I thought you were my mother talking to me.
01:18:34.040 Sorry. 1.00
01:18:35.680 But I had to give up a fucking organ. 0.99
01:18:39.180 Well, I'll just tell the story real quick. 0.99
01:18:40.940 We'll tell that another.
01:18:41.440 She was having problems.
01:18:43.560 It was the night the show aired and it didn't do well.
01:18:46.120 It got canceled like in three weeks.
01:18:47.360 But we already knew that the show wasn't going to do well and they were going to air
01:18:51.300 all 14 episodes and they did a really bad job.
01:18:54.300 So she went.
01:18:55.080 She was having complications. 0.99
01:18:55.860 I realized they were fucking me over. 0.98
01:18:57.280 And they wanted her to do all the press. 0.99
01:19:00.060 So we went to the doctor because she was bleeding and they said, you need to have a hysterectomy 0.53
01:19:03.340 but we can wait until the press tour is done.
01:19:06.040 We could do a DNC and put off your hysterectomy.
01:19:08.480 And mom said, can you do it? 0.99
01:19:09.840 Are you shitting me? 0.97
01:19:10.100 Can you do it Monday? 0.99
01:19:11.540 And get me out of it.
01:19:12.280 So she elected to have the surgery and then got out of the show. 0.89
01:19:15.260 All the press tour.
01:19:16.520 But she didn't have to.
01:19:17.780 Right.
01:19:18.280 She actually gave up organ.
01:19:19.660 Well, I was in my 50s and I didn't need any more.
01:19:21.620 She didn't need any more.
01:19:23.020 You know, God, I can't wait to get rid of mine.
01:19:25.480 I'm going to pop out a kid and get rid of mine because it causes a lot of issues to be honest.
01:19:30.020 Popping out a kid is a lifetime thing, girl. 0.99
01:19:32.740 I know.
01:19:33.160 Once you do it, it's not like a dog.
01:19:35.540 You can't take it to the shelter.
01:19:37.060 Well, I don't want a dog.
01:19:38.760 I have no urge for a dog.
01:19:40.280 Dogs are harder than babies.
01:19:40.760 I have no patience for dogs.
01:19:42.060 No, they're harder than kids.
01:19:42.980 I love kids.
01:19:43.820 I'm not crazy about pets.
01:19:45.220 Yeah.
01:19:45.520 I've always been like that.
01:19:46.440 And I like, I feel like if I don't have a kid, I will be missing out.
01:19:49.760 It's like, there's two things I've always wanted.
01:19:52.060 I didn't want to be a stand-up.
01:19:53.020 Okay, then you'll have to get a man. 1.00
01:19:54.540 You can't have a kid without a man. 0.77
01:19:56.620 That's what I, I know.
01:19:57.680 No, don't even try it.
01:19:59.460 Yeah, don't.
01:19:59.800 I know.
01:20:00.100 It looks like a nightmare without a man.
01:20:01.520 It looks like a nightmare.
01:20:02.420 It's not good for the kid either.
01:20:03.800 No, it's horrible for the kid. 1.00
01:20:05.160 So you've got to get a man and ask to be a strong man and not a pussy in disguise. 1.00
01:20:11.400 I could never be with a pussy, even in disguise or not. 1.00
01:20:15.280 I do not like the men that are now. 1.00
01:20:18.140 So you can't get nobody in Hollywood. 0.99
01:20:19.920 No, the last breakup I had, the guy, I had to break up with him because the motherfucker wanted to split a meal with me when he took me on a date. 0.99
01:20:26.660 I was like, are you fucking kidding me? 1.00
01:20:28.440 Are you kidding? 0.99
01:20:29.380 Are you kidding me?
01:20:30.500 So you're not a feminist. 1.00
01:20:31.300 And he was like, well, I just noticed a lot of times, especially since moving to LA, that a lot of the women expect you to pay for a date.
01:20:36.420 I'm like, yeah, your nails aren't done.
01:20:38.220 Your hair is not done. 1.00
01:20:39.020 You don't have a pussy that I can fuck. 1.00
01:20:41.960 Like, what are you bringing to me? 1.00
01:20:43.580 Yeah.
01:20:44.300 I'm like, you should just want to pay because it makes you feel good because you're a man.
01:20:47.940 You do know that.
01:20:48.640 It should make you feel good to buy a woman a meal. 1.00
01:20:50.640 It should make you feel like, like I'm a man.
01:20:53.060 I provided this woman with a meal. 0.98
01:20:54.820 If not, like you're like, something's wrong biologically.
01:20:58.360 There's something going on.
01:20:59.480 I agree.
01:20:59.880 But I'll tell you, as a man that grew up in the 80s and post-feminism, like we've also been told as men, like, don't do this.
01:21:05.400 It's offensive.
01:21:05.920 Everything's offensive.
01:21:06.560 You want to be sensitive. 1.00
01:21:07.880 And a lot of us bought that shit. 1.00
01:21:09.180 I'm straight up. 1.00
01:21:10.080 And a lot of them are just assholes. 1.00
01:21:12.260 Well, they say they like feminism, so then let them pay. 1.00
01:21:16.680 A lot of them are just assholes. 1.00
01:21:17.220 Well, that's because they're cheap and they were like, thank God. 1.00
01:21:19.540 They're cheap assholes. 1.00
01:21:20.600 That's why I was pro-feminism, so I wouldn't have to. 1.00
01:21:23.520 Yeah, they're just cheap assholes. 0.99
01:21:25.260 Yeah, no, I want a guy to provide so much that when we break up, I have nothing. 1.00
01:21:29.260 You don't even know how to take care of yourself?
01:21:30.680 Like the olden days, you know?
01:21:31.400 I want to be left with nothing because I had to do nothing for the last three years.
01:21:34.600 And that's worth.
01:21:35.680 I dated a guy once.
01:21:37.360 He paid for everything.
01:21:38.320 When we broke up, I had nothing.
01:21:39.560 But I was like, the last three years were awesome.
01:21:41.520 Yeah.
01:21:42.420 Who needs nothing?
01:21:43.360 I started over.
01:21:44.260 It was awesome. 0.99
01:21:44.800 Well, yeah, I got on the other side of that where I was like, fuck, that's where I started 1.00
01:21:51.340 hating women. 1.00
01:21:52.840 Yeah. 0.96
01:21:53.080 Well, that's what I'm getting at. 0.99
01:21:54.020 It was like my son said, I really hate women. 1.00
01:21:55.820 Once I was on the losing side of the divorce, the moneymaker, and seeing how that shit goes. 1.00
01:22:02.740 And like with the child custody stuff, too, is really unfair for men. 0.99
01:22:07.360 It's horrible.
01:22:07.760 Oh, it's horrible.
01:22:08.840 Yeah, it's really sad.
01:22:09.820 So it's just all a yank. 0.99
01:22:11.580 Everything's a fucking yank. 0.99
01:22:12.820 I like that the new thing about my acting, you know, I see young women doing it, is just 0.99
01:22:22.420 making fun of women.
01:22:25.000 It's so the right thing, the great thing.
01:22:28.000 I love it.
01:22:28.700 Yeah.
01:22:29.000 We're very funny and funny to make fun of.
01:22:31.800 Yeah.
01:22:32.160 We're so crazy. 0.99
01:22:33.060 And no more of that sisterhood horseshit. 0.99
01:22:36.080 No, you guys need to call each other out. 0.97
01:22:37.880 Yeah, right.
01:22:38.400 We need to call women out. 1.00
01:22:39.160 Because we can't do it.
01:22:40.120 I do it all the time, and everyone just gets mad at me.
01:22:42.180 Well, because you have no right.
01:22:45.100 No, I have.
01:22:46.800 I'm the only one that does have a right.
01:22:48.420 I have to date women. 1.00
01:22:49.880 I'm a man. 1.00
01:22:50.600 I'm the one that has to put up with your bullshit. 1.00
01:22:52.160 You guys aren't nearly as fucked up to each other as you are to the person you're in a 1.00
01:22:54.780 relationship with. 0.99
01:22:55.740 I would suggest you watch what you're saying to me.
01:22:59.840 He weighed almost 10 pounds.
01:23:01.480 Oh, she does this every podcast. 1.00
01:23:03.000 Almost 10 pounds.
01:23:04.340 Oh, God.
01:23:04.500 Well, I'm talking about dating. 0.99
01:23:05.520 I'm saying crazy women. 1.00
01:23:06.480 I mean, he doesn't have a right to open his mouth to me when he came out weighing 10 pounds. 0.96
01:23:11.320 10 pounds is crazy.
01:23:12.400 It was.
01:23:13.000 I didn't do it.
01:23:13.880 He doesn't have the right.
01:23:14.720 Not my fault.
01:23:15.660 He don't have the right to say, ever correct me.
01:23:18.840 You ate too much.
01:23:19.660 Stand in.
01:23:20.440 Correct me.
01:23:21.100 Nothing.
01:23:21.620 He don't have that right.
01:23:22.640 No.
01:23:22.980 I'm just saying.
01:23:23.660 Those are rights for a seven-pound baby.
01:23:25.360 I'm sorry.
01:23:26.120 Who do you think, when a woman's crazy, who do you think is victimized from her craziness 1.00
01:23:31.120 more? 0.89
01:23:31.480 A man or a woman? 0.98
01:23:32.320 Her children?
01:23:33.600 Yeah.
01:23:34.600 Absolutely her children.
01:23:36.060 Her son.
01:23:36.720 What if she doesn't?
01:23:37.220 I think everyone around her.
01:23:38.720 Yeah.
01:23:39.200 I think everyone around her, including herself.
01:23:40.760 Her sons get a particular punishment, but what she does to her daughters, oh, my God. 1.00
01:23:46.500 You really fuck up your daughters. 1.00
01:23:48.460 You do. 1.00
01:23:48.740 Because you're like, bitch, don't you, you know. 1.00
01:23:52.140 And then they're just bitches. 1.00
01:23:54.320 Yeah. 1.00
01:23:54.560 Your daughters are nothing but dirty bitches. 1.00
01:23:56.760 I wish I was smart enough to go into the psyche of whatever happens between a mother 1.00
01:24:01.220 and a daughter. 0.82
01:24:01.680 It is sick and twisted and like this deep connection where you.
01:24:06.620 Because there's two women. 1.00
01:24:07.300 It feels the same.
01:24:07.960 You know when I said being a comedian feels like narcissism and self-hatred?
01:24:11.640 That feels like the same relationship.
01:24:13.480 It is.
01:24:13.840 My mother, like we could be getting along great and she could take a sip of my drink 0.95
01:24:19.140 and piss me off. 0.96
01:24:20.040 I'm like, why?
01:24:20.760 Like, I don't know what it is.
01:24:22.040 It's like this weird competitive trigger thing.
01:24:25.100 Trigger thing.
01:24:25.920 When you're two women.
01:24:26.200 And then there's this guilt after where you're like, she's going to die one day.
01:24:29.740 And then you're like, well, this is her fault too.
01:24:32.860 I got to tell you, the happiest thing happened to me.
01:24:36.400 What?
01:24:36.820 It's starting to happen and I knew it would.
01:24:39.620 My daughter that you remind me of, she had a daughter and I knew.
01:24:45.200 It was going to happen.
01:24:46.080 I knew she's going to get hers.
01:24:48.720 My mom tells me that.
01:24:49.420 Oh, yeah.
01:24:50.620 So the daughter says, I said, I'm going to go over there and visit, you know.
01:24:56.920 And the little girl says to her mom, my daughter, oh, I can't wait till she gets here because
01:25:03.760 I need a break from you.
01:25:07.200 Oh, my God.
01:25:08.160 My heart swolled.
01:25:09.860 It swolled in joy.
01:25:11.560 Oh, I knew I lived a life for that.
01:25:15.940 I heard it comes back harder to you.
01:25:17.720 Oh, so great.
01:25:18.780 How fun.
01:25:19.780 Well, I hope I have a daughter.
01:25:22.680 Yeah, but.
01:25:23.340 Over a son, I think.
01:25:24.400 I mean, there's a lot.
01:25:26.540 But there's something about having a daughter in my head.
01:25:28.780 I'm like, I want to sculpt them to be like cooler than me.
01:25:31.080 Like, I feel like I'm pretty cool.
01:25:32.660 Yeah, you do.
01:25:33.180 You kind of do.
01:25:34.020 You can't help it.
01:25:34.960 You want to fix yourself in them. 1.00
01:25:36.520 Yeah, you try, but then they end up a fucking psychotic, neurotic, fucking fat asshole just 1.00
01:25:44.380 like you. 1.00
01:25:45.020 That's what the tension is.
01:25:46.060 You want to fix yourself, and then when it doesn't work, you get frustrated with each
01:25:49.620 other.
01:25:50.080 Yeah, because they turn out just like you.
01:25:52.440 And they're already you anyway, so they're like, why are you even trying?
01:25:54.880 They hate you, and then they know you.
01:25:56.960 They hate themselves.
01:25:57.720 They know they are you.
01:25:59.260 Yeah.
01:25:59.720 It's too much karma.
01:26:01.240 It's a lot.
01:26:02.000 The whole thing is a lot.
01:26:03.300 Please.
01:26:04.180 Can we have some answers? 0.99
01:26:05.080 I'm done with the fucking mystery. 0.99
01:26:08.380 I bet you, I bet you and me could do a, I should, we should do this another time, but 0.99
01:26:13.220 I wrote a sketch.
01:26:15.000 We should do, I would ask you to do that sketch with me.
01:26:17.980 I would love to.
01:26:18.600 It's a mother-daughter sketch about kind of this exact thing we're talking about, but it's
01:26:24.960 like, yeah, I wrote a sitcom.
01:26:29.480 I don't want to do it, but they're trying to make me do it anyway.
01:26:33.980 I'm down.
01:26:35.080 Uh, I don't know.
01:26:36.300 I'll never do it.
01:26:37.800 Don't do it.
01:26:38.460 They're trying to make me do it.
01:26:38.900 I don't want, I'm not.
01:26:39.660 But it's such a good scene because it's a mother, a daughter, and a granddaughter.
01:26:44.280 You could do sketches.
01:26:45.600 I just want to do sketches.
01:26:46.480 Yeah, do a five minute short. 0.98
01:26:47.500 I could never do the same thing every week for 10 fucking years again. 0.98
01:26:53.220 I never could do that. 0.99
01:26:54.180 I want to do it so bad.
01:26:55.560 You do?
01:26:55.860 The sitcom?
01:26:56.220 Well, you know, I did a little bit of-
01:26:58.020 Well, if you're going to have a kid, you would.
01:26:59.360 I really want to act.
01:27:00.540 It's the first thing I ever wanted to do was be an actor.
01:27:03.900 And so I'm like, I really want to.
01:27:05.060 I've been auditioning lately and I love it.
01:27:07.820 Oh, that's so cool.
01:27:09.160 Love it.
01:27:09.680 It's so fun and it's like, I thought stand-up was the only thing I'm good at.
01:27:13.580 And I'm pretty self-aware.
01:27:14.700 I know when I'm bad at something and I can recognize if it's for fun or if I want to do it.
01:27:19.540 I feel like I am such a good actor.
01:27:22.400 Oh, that's cool.
01:27:23.600 And I think part of it is probably being a sociopath. 0.77
01:27:25.620 Absolutely. 0.81
01:27:26.260 Right, exactly.
01:27:27.320 Not until I started acting.
01:27:28.620 For me, it's really hard for me to see other people's perspectives, I think, sometimes.
01:27:35.200 And when I'm acting, a lot of people are like, oh, when I'm acting, I get to be somebody else.
01:27:39.060 I'm like, no, when I'm acting, I get to be myself but this person.
01:27:43.700 And I didn't even know how to be that.
01:27:45.720 And the character taught me how to be a different version of myself.
01:27:49.800 It's like, it doesn't change me.
01:27:51.120 No.
01:27:51.500 It's still like your own feelings.
01:27:52.560 It's very interesting.
01:27:53.800 It is.
01:27:54.280 It's fun.
01:27:54.940 It's fun.
01:27:57.920 Well.
01:27:58.680 Well.
01:27:59.040 You'll have to come back.
01:28:00.280 I'll come back.
01:28:01.180 I loved having you.
01:28:02.720 This was so fun.
01:28:03.800 Thank you for coming.
01:28:04.800 This is a dream come true.
01:28:06.480 Thank you.
01:28:06.960 I love the respect you pay my mother.
01:28:08.860 I've always wanted to tell you that.
01:28:10.300 She's awesome. 0.83
01:28:11.200 I mean, this is really cool for me.
01:28:14.320 This is one of the coolest things I've ever done.
01:28:16.100 Thank you very much.
01:28:17.280 You're very sweet.
01:28:18.500 And we'll talk in nice shoes.
01:28:22.240 Thank you.
01:28:22.720 Thank you.
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