The Roseanne Barr Podcast - Roseanne's Villain Origin Story W⧸ Michael Malice

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00:00:57.440 Greetings, earthlings, and humans, and other bots, clones, beings, fucktards, and what have you.

00:01:11.880 Glad to have you here.

00:01:13.460 All thinkers, all people who ended up here who didn't know I had a podcast, I've got so many comments.

00:01:20.900 Hey, Roseanne, I had no idea you had a podcast.

00:01:23.680 That's so great that you found me, and of course, most of all to animals, the highest species of intelligence on this planet,

00:01:34.980 because after all, animals know how to get around, and they don't need to bullshit themselves night and day

00:01:41.640 with 100% horse shit in order to enjoy the beauty that is life.

00:01:49.880 Welcome to the Roseanne Barr podcast.

00:01:52.280 Oh, you see, my patience is growing thin.

00:02:00.920 Son of a bitch.

00:02:01.860 Did it just run out on you?

00:02:03.880 Uh-oh.

00:02:04.580 Uh-oh, it's almost like you shouldn't be smoking.

00:02:06.520 Yeah, that's God.

00:02:10.060 Now that's the devil.

00:02:12.900 Show him how the whole thing works when he, well, come back.

00:02:15.460 Didn't you see it on the show?

00:02:16.580 No, I tormented him on the show.

00:02:19.220 Okay.

00:02:19.900 Oh, yeah, I have a guest.

00:02:21.600 Welcome back.

00:02:23.540 I have a guest.

00:02:24.640 One of my favorite guests, and one of our most requested and, what do you call it, returners.

00:02:31.800 This is his third time.

00:02:33.220 Repeat.

00:02:34.220 Repeat.

00:02:34.620 I think only Shannon Huey has done three.

00:02:38.280 She'll be doing four in the month.

00:02:39.900 Or maybe she's only done two.

00:02:40.980 I don't know.

00:02:41.460 I don't know.

00:02:42.100 Who cares?

00:02:42.520 You're in an elite company.

00:02:43.460 I'm so excited to have my friend here.

00:02:46.540 What a wit.

00:02:47.780 What a joy.

00:02:48.760 What a brain.

00:02:50.460 He's a joy to talk to, a joy to watch, a joy to be around, mostly because he's obsessed

00:02:55.960 with me and so in love with my talent.

00:03:01.440 Please help me welcome the, what's a good adjective, Jake?

00:03:06.440 Formidable.

00:03:07.520 Formidable.

00:03:08.360 Michael Malice.

00:03:09.480 How are you doing, Michael?

00:03:10.960 I'm doing great.

00:03:11.700 Thank you, Jake.

00:03:12.380 Of course.

00:03:13.580 Formidable.

00:03:14.120 That's good.

00:03:14.660 I like that.

00:03:15.600 Formidable, as they say in El Francaise.

00:03:18.260 Yeah.

00:03:18.900 Have you ever been to France?

00:03:20.060 Of course.

00:03:21.120 Of course.

00:03:21.780 I don't know.

00:03:21.960 I've been everywhere, man.

00:03:24.540 I love that Johnny Cash song.

00:03:25.420 Have you been to Japan?

00:03:26.880 No.

00:03:27.120 I've never been to the Orient.

00:03:28.540 So you're lying.

00:03:28.960 Though I do want to go.

00:03:30.160 You should.

00:03:30.480 Have you been there?

00:03:31.000 You've gone to Japan.

00:03:32.020 It's amazing.

00:03:33.260 You've gone everywhere.

00:03:34.580 Yeah.

00:03:35.480 You should go to Japan.

00:03:36.980 You will love it.

00:03:39.020 Will I?

00:03:39.640 Yes.

00:03:40.020 I hear they have great Japanese food there.

00:03:43.300 So stupid.

00:03:46.180 Last comic standing.

00:03:47.540 Where's the gong?

00:03:51.540 Don't quit your day job.

00:03:53.120 Like you said to me.

00:03:53.720 I bet the food's incredible.

00:03:55.700 It's not just.

00:03:56.220 Everything's incredible.

00:03:57.140 And I didn't want to like it as much as I did because I hate how Americans love Japanese

00:04:01.120 culture.

00:04:01.680 Yeah.

00:04:01.820 You'll absolutely love every minute of it.

00:04:04.320 What will I love the most?

00:04:05.680 You will love how together, how efficiently everything runs.

00:04:10.140 Oh God, that would be a shock.

00:04:12.020 Right.

00:04:12.640 How friendly everyone is, which is a big lie that they're like all these robots.

00:04:16.600 They're very friendly.

00:04:17.980 There's so much.

00:04:19.080 Something I like as a former New Yorker is when you can just plop down a neighborhood,

00:04:22.840 just walk around, explore and see cool things.

00:04:25.340 You have tons of that there.

00:04:27.160 It's cheap as hell.

00:04:29.140 Like a soda in the 7-Eleven is a dollar.

00:04:31.960 There's great clothes.

00:04:33.480 Like you can't go wrong.

00:04:34.560 Are Indian people working in the 7-Eleven there?

00:04:37.080 No.

00:04:37.960 No, they're really like, I don't want to say racist, but.

00:04:41.560 No, no.

00:04:41.940 They just imported a ton of people and that's why they threw out the previous prime minister.

00:04:46.120 Oh, really?

00:04:46.700 Yeah.

00:04:46.940 They imported a bunch of Indians and Africans and all the Japanese are like, what are you

00:04:50.020 doing?

00:04:50.380 Yeah.

00:04:50.680 We are a ethno state, fascist ethno state.

00:04:53.840 Yeah.

00:04:54.100 They always have been.

00:04:54.900 You will have.

00:04:55.500 Oh my God.

00:04:55.900 If you go to Japan, I have to come with you.

00:04:57.860 Do they?

00:04:58.180 I want you to go with me.

00:04:59.420 I'd love it.

00:05:00.300 Do they like the Jewish people there?

00:05:02.480 Yes.

00:05:03.560 Really?

00:05:04.040 Yes.

00:05:04.600 That's where he got the swastika jacket.

00:05:06.160 That is.

00:05:08.680 There's a lot of swastikas there because it's a symbol of good luck.

00:05:11.480 Yeah.

00:05:11.940 It's the opposite of the Hitler, but you see it everywhere.

00:05:13.460 So it's kind of funny.

00:05:14.980 So I always took photos of myself next to the swastika with me on the phone and like

00:05:18.880 shut it down.

00:05:20.840 But it's not.

00:05:22.220 It's a backward swastika, right?

00:05:24.060 Right.

00:05:24.360 No.

00:05:24.600 I mean, Hitler had it backwards.

00:05:25.680 They had it correctly.

00:05:26.440 Oh, they had it correct.

00:05:27.500 I knew something was wrong.

00:05:29.020 But they also did side with the Nazis.

00:05:30.800 Let's not forget.

00:05:31.420 That's true.

00:05:32.780 So it might be a real swastika.

00:05:33.740 That's right.

00:05:34.120 Japan bombed us.

00:05:35.240 What am I talking about?

00:05:36.280 Right.

00:05:36.940 Hey.

00:05:37.180 Right?

00:05:38.060 Yes.

00:05:38.940 You know, Fafo.

00:05:40.720 They got Fafo.

00:05:41.480 Do you want to hear?

00:05:42.460 You want to?

00:05:42.820 Of course, we bombed them twice with two nukes.

00:05:45.460 Like we're going to do to Iran in about two days.

00:05:47.900 What do you think of that?

00:05:48.600 We're going to talk about you.

00:05:51.160 I know.

00:05:51.560 You said you didn't want to get into politics.

00:05:54.040 He doesn't want us to ruin his career.

00:05:55.900 Okay.

00:05:56.300 It's not the wrong show.

00:05:57.080 It's that you are someone who's had a very amazing life.

00:06:01.220 That is true.

00:06:01.880 And that is more interesting to me and to most people than your views on Iran.

00:06:05.460 Let's try it his way.

00:06:07.180 What?

00:06:07.260 And see if our views go up.

00:06:09.060 Okay.

00:06:09.900 I'm down.

00:06:11.120 So here's how we're going to.

00:06:12.140 So a few months ago.

00:06:13.840 Uh-huh.

00:06:14.980 This is about you.

00:06:15.740 So pay attention.

00:06:16.560 Okay.

00:06:16.980 My favorite subject.

00:06:18.200 Yes, I know.

00:06:18.900 That's why you're looking at me like, oh, she perks up.

00:06:21.400 What?

00:06:21.620 What?

00:06:21.800 What?

00:06:23.300 Me, me, and me.

00:06:25.340 So a few months ago.

00:06:27.160 I love to hear about me because I don't remember anything I did.

00:06:31.340 I'm talking about you and you're talking over me to talk about you.

00:06:33.820 No, but I love to hear what I did because I don't have any memory.

00:06:36.540 Okay.

00:06:36.800 So go ahead.

00:06:37.700 Okay.

00:06:38.100 Can I?

00:06:38.880 Yes, please.

00:06:39.480 Thank you.

00:06:40.260 So a few months ago, I saw this very cool auction.

00:06:43.740 And I said to Jake, I'm like, I have something I'm buying for your mom.

00:06:48.680 Uh-oh.

00:06:49.320 You're paying for it.

00:06:50.520 However, if she doesn't like it, I will take it back and eat the money.

00:06:54.060 You have to trust me.

00:06:55.100 And he goes, okay, this isn't cheap, but I trust your judgment.

00:06:59.120 Okay?

00:06:59.440 True story.

00:07:00.160 True story.

00:07:00.900 So he doesn't know what it is.

00:07:02.100 I have no idea.

00:07:02.320 You don't know what it is.

00:07:03.280 His wife, Hannah, knows what it is.

00:07:05.100 Shannon, your best friend, knows what it is.

00:07:06.560 They are like, holy crap.

00:07:07.740 And they all kept it a secret, which is shocking.

00:07:09.280 Nobody told me.

00:07:10.240 I can usually work Shannon.

00:07:11.560 Me too.

00:07:12.180 Hannah, too.

00:07:12.740 I couldn't work either of the bitches.

00:07:15.280 Okay.

00:07:15.620 So let's hope you land this punchline.

00:07:18.380 Okay?

00:07:18.560 You ready?

00:07:19.140 Uh-huh.

00:07:19.520 When you were a kid, who was the first celebrity you looked up to?

00:07:24.140 Oh, my God.

00:07:26.680 I'll probably get it wrong because I don't remember.

00:07:28.620 What are you on record saying?

00:07:31.320 Just don't confuse her.

00:07:32.400 When you were a kid, who was the first celebrity you looked up to?

00:07:35.120 Who was your role model?

00:07:36.660 Well, there were so many, but I think I mostly talked about Jackie Gleason.

00:07:40.580 No, when you were like five.

00:07:42.740 Uh, Shirley Temple.

00:07:44.060 Okay.

00:07:44.320 What about her?

00:07:46.060 Well, everyone in my family lied to me.

00:07:48.280 That's when I was three.

00:07:49.480 Okay.

00:07:49.860 Three.

00:07:50.180 Okay.

00:07:50.420 At three, I wanted to be Shirley Temple, and I did impressions of her in my grandmother's

00:07:55.100 windowsill because she had like a little stage seat bench thing where I did my Shirley Temple

00:08:01.600 impressions.

00:08:02.240 And, uh, I did have curly hair, but I made my mom put it into ringlets and she used that,

00:08:08.360 uh, hot iron thing that they did.

00:08:10.260 Oh, really?

00:08:11.040 Because I had wiry, frizzed Jew hair.

00:08:14.020 And so she tried to turn it into, uh, you know, uh, the Shirley Temple curls and they

00:08:20.580 go, you're better than Shirley.

00:08:22.380 And it ruined my life because I found out later it was all a lie.

00:08:25.560 I wasn't better than Shirley Temple or cuter or more talented at all.

00:08:29.920 And it ruined my life.

00:08:31.920 But at that time, I believed them.

00:08:34.620 So what did they mean by you were like, like, what was your, can you do the impression now?

00:08:38.580 Do you remember it?

00:08:39.140 On the good ship, lollipop, it's a nice trip to the candy shop where bum-bums play, happy

00:08:50.140 landing on the chocolate bar.

00:08:53.140 And of course I did the tap dance and all the whole thing.

00:08:55.840 And they told you that was better than Shirley Temple?

00:08:58.040 Yeah.

00:08:59.440 They'd applaud.

00:09:01.220 It was my first, that's how I got addicted to showbiz.

00:09:04.100 Okay, so here's what you're going to have to do, okay?

00:09:06.460 Okay, that present is hidden in that tower of books.

00:09:09.640 So you have to take all those things and put them over there.

00:09:13.880 Just take a second.

00:09:16.320 Let me get a snort of my Coke.

00:09:20.260 That's what I said now.

00:09:24.240 Okay.

00:09:28.080 All right.

00:09:29.060 Okay, so you open that up.

00:09:31.420 Hold on.

00:09:32.060 I lost your ring.

00:09:33.140 You're fine.

00:09:33.840 Jake, flip over that stuff.

00:09:35.600 Which one?

00:09:36.040 I have two things.

00:09:36.840 Just flip it over.

00:09:37.640 The whole thing is one pile.

00:09:38.760 Okay.

00:09:39.600 And read what's on the right-hand column of that page.

00:09:42.380 Not the one that's inside there.

00:09:43.920 Under it.

00:09:44.540 Under it.

00:09:44.980 The date?

00:09:45.540 Oh.

00:09:45.740 Pick up the magazine.

00:09:46.600 Shirley Temple.

00:09:47.640 See that piece of paper?

00:09:49.180 Yeah, this?

00:09:50.060 No, underneath.

00:09:51.280 Pick up the magazine.

00:09:51.900 There you go, that.

00:09:52.580 Now read the right-hand column.

00:09:54.700 Okay.

00:09:55.400 A Girl on Skates?

00:09:56.640 Yes.

00:09:56.940 A Girl on Skates was drawn by nine-year-old international film star Shirley Temple in June

00:10:04.960 of 1938 in KC, Missouri Hotel Mulebach.

00:10:10.060 Hotel Mulebach?

00:10:10.840 Mulebach.

00:10:11.300 While surrounded by fans and reporters, reprinted around the world, this drawing then disappeared

00:10:16.100 and has only recently been recovered.

00:10:18.780 I have chills all over my body.

00:10:20.420 Take it.

00:10:20.440 Get it.

00:10:20.780 Open it up.

00:10:21.680 I have chills all over my body.

00:10:22.760 And then look at that page I have marked off.

00:10:25.480 That's Life Magazine from 1938.

00:10:27.800 There it is right there.

00:10:29.420 Oh my God.

00:10:30.760 Oh my God.

00:10:31.300 There it is.

00:10:32.500 In Life Magazine.

00:10:33.700 Wow.

00:10:34.520 Can you see it?

00:10:35.160 Hold it up to the camera.

00:10:37.100 Oh my God.

00:10:37.980 That's amazing.

00:10:38.820 All right.

00:10:39.280 I'll pay for it.

00:10:40.080 That is amazing.

00:10:40.800 Is that a good present?

00:10:41.980 I got goosebumps.

00:10:42.680 Look.

00:10:43.200 Look.

00:10:43.540 I got goosebumps too.

00:10:46.160 Oh my God.

00:10:47.860 Right?

00:10:49.420 And that's like how I, that's kind of like how I drew too.

00:10:53.920 That's how all kids draw.

00:10:55.040 I love it.

00:10:55.780 No, that's all.

00:10:56.500 Yeah, the rest of this.

00:10:57.300 Oh my gosh, do I love it.

00:10:59.000 So there's that briefcase with all this stuff.

00:11:00.880 What's the drawing of?

00:11:02.360 It's a famous ice skater.

00:11:04.340 Oh, it's so great.

00:11:06.040 It says on the rest of that page.

00:11:07.840 So sweet.

00:11:08.120 Thank you.

00:11:09.380 I love that.

00:11:10.080 We got to get a better frame for it.

00:11:12.360 Oh my God.

00:11:13.280 Yeah, Roseanne, don't put it up yet.

00:11:14.880 It's going to fall.

00:11:15.700 It's going to fall.

00:11:16.120 No, it isn't.

00:11:17.000 It's going to fall.

00:11:17.580 That's amazing, Malice.

00:11:18.300 Is that amazing?

00:11:20.500 Oh my God.

00:11:21.540 Right?

00:11:21.960 I want to cry.

00:11:22.480 Thank you.

00:11:22.900 It's amazing.

00:11:22.980 I knew you'd love it.

00:11:24.000 This comes with it too?

00:11:25.260 There's a whole briefcase of stuff.

00:11:26.700 Okay.

00:11:27.660 This is the actual provenance.

00:11:29.740 Oh, we're going to get it framed.

00:11:30.400 No, there's more provenance in there.

00:11:31.540 We're going to have to get it framed with this.

00:11:33.380 Yeah, we'll do the whole thing as a frame.

00:11:34.820 Oh my God.

00:11:35.500 How did you find this in an auction?

00:11:37.500 I just, I know what I'm doing.

00:11:39.280 Oh my God.

00:11:40.800 Well, you're a bit of a collector yourself.

00:11:42.760 You do collect some great stuff.

00:11:45.440 Yeah.

00:11:45.600 But I saw this and I'm like, this is good.

00:11:47.020 Oh my God.

00:11:47.760 Because you're hard to shop for because you've been hoarding for decades.

00:11:51.420 I know all my hoardings.

00:11:53.240 That's fantastic, Michael.

00:11:55.520 Thank you.

00:11:55.560 I knew you'd love it.

00:11:56.880 Oh my God.

00:11:57.860 Do I love Shirley Temple.

00:11:59.660 And then she went into the UN for children.

00:12:02.400 She became an advocate for children's rights and health.

00:12:06.080 And she's also became a Republican.

00:12:08.020 I know.

00:12:08.580 And I thought, she became Shirley Temple Black.

00:12:13.420 Yeah.

00:12:13.960 And I admired her always for that.

00:12:16.700 And I thought, well, when I grow up, I'm going to go in the UN and fight for children's rights just like her.

00:12:23.940 And of course, you know, she wasn't a Jew, so the UN didn't hate her.

00:12:27.540 But you've advocated for kids all your career.

00:12:29.800 Oh yeah.

00:12:30.420 Then that's largely because of Shirley Temple too.

00:12:32.720 Oh, is that right?

00:12:33.140 I was very touched by she and Eleanor Roosevelt, their advocacy for women and children.

00:12:39.920 I thought it was fantastic.

00:12:41.460 You know, I also won the Eleanor Roosevelt Prize for Freedom of Speech Prize given to me by Oliver Stone.

00:12:51.140 Did you know that?

00:12:51.520 Oh, I didn't know that.

00:12:52.400 That was quite an eventful night.

00:12:55.540 You know, Eleanor Roosevelt had a very difficult upbringing.

00:12:58.420 I know she did.

00:12:59.340 Yeah.

00:12:59.560 And she was a remarkable woman.

00:13:04.280 She accomplished remarkable things for the time.

00:13:07.080 They had to lock her bedroom door from the inside because her uncle kept trying to get in there.

00:13:10.420 Oh, really?

00:13:10.980 Yeah.

00:13:11.780 Oh, ho-hum.

00:13:12.740 Who didn't?

00:13:12.980 No wonder she was a lesbian.

00:13:14.560 Every woman.

00:13:15.280 Oh yeah, you know about Hick.

00:13:16.820 Lorena Hickok was her girlfriend.

00:13:18.760 Yeah.

00:13:19.080 Who's Lorena?

00:13:19.600 I don't know who that is.

00:13:20.260 That was her lover.

00:13:21.000 There was this reporter who was a quasi-out lesbian who Eleanor Roosevelt moved into the White House.

00:13:28.520 And there's lots of letters between them.

00:13:30.580 But at the time, in the 30s, you talk about I love you.

00:13:33.360 It doesn't have to mean what it means now, right?

00:13:35.020 It could be just intimacy between two females.

00:13:36.860 So it's not clear what the relationship was.

00:13:38.460 But she moved a lesbian into the White House.

00:13:40.560 It's pretty clear what the relationship was.

00:13:42.340 I don't know.

00:13:42.860 Well, they say my sister found, oh, was it Dolly Madison?

00:13:47.580 I can't remember.

00:13:48.600 I have to ask my sister.

00:13:49.820 But she had a black maid who kind of ran everything in the White House.

00:13:56.380 I've got to get the name.

00:13:58.140 And it's historical fact that her ideas ran much of early America.

00:14:06.080 And, of course, they have her picture now near the kitchen.

00:14:10.660 And so, you know, it's not – she's not giving her due.

00:14:15.980 Well, I think that's plausible because I think it wasn't James Madison a widower.

00:14:19.180 So you had to have a – it was one of them had to have a parade of first ladies that weren't his wife.

00:14:23.640 No, this was one of the first ladies.

00:14:26.420 And it was supposed that that woman was her lover as well.

00:14:30.300 Oh, okay.

00:14:30.820 But it's great American history buried.

00:14:33.440 But that would mean like one of the first presidents was being advised by a black woman.

00:14:39.100 Oh, yeah.

00:14:40.380 Indirectly.

00:14:41.120 Yeah.

00:14:41.460 Jefferson.

00:14:42.880 Well, yeah.

00:14:43.400 Jefferson.

00:14:45.300 I mean –

00:14:45.940 I think they did DNA tests to verify that it's been verified.

00:14:48.520 It's true, right?

00:14:49.300 Yeah.

00:14:50.280 I mean, American history is far more interesting than anybody thinks or knows in his teaching.

00:14:56.900 But you're part of American history.

00:14:58.340 What do you see as your part of American history?

00:15:00.240 He's going to do this.

00:15:01.680 But I like this.

00:15:02.900 Yeah, he won't talk about me.

00:15:04.500 Yeah, he's going to interview you.

00:15:05.600 I like it.

00:15:06.160 Okay, go for it.

00:15:07.360 I just asked you a question.

00:15:08.540 Oh, okay.

00:15:09.100 What do I see as my part of American history?

00:15:11.660 Yeah.

00:15:12.020 Good question.

00:15:14.380 Well, that's for other people to say.

00:15:18.480 That's nice.

00:15:19.300 What's your idea?

00:15:20.720 My idea.

00:15:21.240 What do you think?

00:15:21.580 Nobody will ever understand what I think.

00:15:24.380 We don't have to understand it.

00:15:25.700 What do you see as your legacy?

00:15:27.260 The greatest intellectual mind of the last century, until now.

00:15:33.880 Uh-huh.

00:15:34.640 The greatest provocateur and tastemaker and influencer.

00:15:37.900 You're not the greatest provocateur.

00:15:39.420 Lenny Bruce was a better provocateur.

00:15:41.320 Yeah.

00:15:42.460 Well, because he died.

00:15:44.180 Well, they did try to kill me, but they didn't get me.

00:15:47.000 Right.

00:15:47.860 But no, I think my shit was far more reaching than Lenny Bruce.

00:15:52.160 That's true.

00:15:52.580 I'm sorry to say.

00:15:53.060 No, no, you're a bunch of bigger reach.

00:15:54.400 And worldwide, too.

00:15:55.300 That's true.

00:15:55.500 I think I started a big-ass revolution in the brain and in the culture, which, of course,

00:16:00.340 I hope I'm never given credit for, because that would mean people understood it, which

00:16:05.280 would cheapen it.

00:16:06.180 You may have seen the conversations happening online lately.

00:16:11.460 Yeah.

00:16:12.300 Censorship is back, and it's happening everywhere.

00:16:14.680 Platforms are controlling narratives and pushing the stuff they want us to see.

00:16:21.260 We need to fight back.

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00:18:05.860 But I know what I did.

00:18:06.900 What kind of revolution?

00:18:10.500 A revolution of thinking, thoughts, morality, politics, culture.

00:18:18.520 But specifically, what are the things like, this is me?

00:18:23.340 Well, the idea of female intelligence.

00:18:29.740 Oh, yeah.

00:18:30.140 Okay.

00:18:30.840 Yeah?

00:18:31.840 Was that the first show where you had the mom running the house?

00:18:36.780 I wasn't running the house.

00:18:38.540 It was a partnership with the husband.

00:18:40.700 No, but the mom-

00:18:41.360 That was the first time that happened.

00:18:42.760 That's what I'm saying.

00:18:43.460 The mom wasn't the subordinate, secondary figure.

00:18:46.880 Because that's why Patricia Heaton left Home Improvement.

00:18:49.200 She goes, we've been on this show for 10 years, and she doesn't even have a friend.

00:18:52.820 Yeah.

00:18:52.900 Like, her entire life is an extension of Tim and the kids.

00:18:56.680 Yeah.

00:18:57.640 But, you know-

00:18:58.440 Well, you talked about this last week, that it was kind of more of an egalitarian household.

00:19:02.600 Yeah, that's true.

00:19:03.200 You had Bonnie Franklin being a single mom, right?

00:19:05.480 So that's not the same.

00:19:06.400 It was a man and a woman who loved each other like normal human beings and worked together

00:19:12.180 to raise the family, which they never allowed on television.

00:19:15.340 That's right, yeah.

00:19:15.980 Because they always had to be talking down with arrogance to the viewer, because that was

00:19:21.880 part of the programming.

00:19:23.620 For the working class viewer, who's the backbone of the viewers, to be talking down to them

00:19:31.840 so they would get an inordinate and unnatural respect for the voice of authority.

00:19:39.960 And, you know, it was just part of the mind control program.

00:19:42.340 So that was my target always.

00:19:45.240 I'm like, hey, I'm- I knew when I was five years old, I'm way smarter than these assholes

00:19:50.440 on TV.

00:19:51.340 Yeah, but you also thought you were cuter than Shirley Temple.

00:19:53.020 Well, I did.

00:19:53.640 And I hadn't- I was- it was not until I was 12 that I was crushed.

00:20:00.320 Oh, it took that long?

00:20:01.300 Yeah.

00:20:02.520 Really.

00:20:03.160 What was- can you tell us about the moment you realized they didn't have been lied to?

00:20:08.960 You must have performed for someone else.

00:20:10.540 Yeah, I tried out for the sixth grade talent contest and was turned down and in a rude manner.

00:20:17.340 What would they say?

00:20:18.200 Really rude manner.

00:20:19.200 What would they say?

00:20:19.860 Oh, my God, huh?

00:20:21.560 What would they say?

00:20:22.520 It was crushing.

00:20:24.820 What was your talent?

00:20:25.920 I was singing and dancing.

00:20:27.140 Okay.

00:20:27.540 And I had changed the words to songs to make them funny.

00:20:32.760 Okay.

00:20:34.120 And-

00:20:34.540 Do you remember any of them?

00:20:35.580 Oh, I kind of have to sit there and think.

00:20:38.740 But I had my two neighbors, Sherry and Day, Darlene, or I mean, what was her name?

00:20:48.400 Oh, I can't remember.

00:20:49.600 Day Lynn, that was her name.

00:20:51.680 And, you know, of course, I used to force all the neighbor kids to be in the plays I wrote

00:20:58.640 every summer.

00:21:01.300 And so I made up this whole show.

00:21:03.660 Oh, yeah, it was, and we'll have fun, fun, fun, till our daddy takes the T-bird away.

00:21:12.000 Right.

00:21:12.360 And I made them do harmony and we danced.

00:21:14.800 What was your lyrics, though?

00:21:16.620 Oh, I can't remember what I changed things to.

00:21:19.380 Oh, Eleanor Frisbee.

00:21:22.420 Is that Eleanor Rigby?

00:21:23.560 Yeah.

00:21:24.100 Eleanor Frisbee.

00:21:29.040 Eat something in the corner.

00:21:31.780 I can't remember.

00:21:33.440 It was stupid, but, you know, I thought it was woody.

00:21:38.000 And the consensus of the teachers and the faculty who were accepting the talent that would

00:21:46.980 be allowed to perform was, you're too fat to dance.

00:21:51.760 Did they really say it?

00:21:52.560 Yeah.

00:21:52.940 They had to say it with a little bit more euphemisms.

00:21:55.920 Well, they were laughing.

00:21:56.940 Okay.

00:21:57.500 No.

00:21:57.860 You're too fat to dance.

00:22:00.720 Thank you.

00:22:02.980 Yeah.

00:22:03.420 Oh, thank you as in dismissed?

00:22:05.200 Yeah.

00:22:07.040 Oh, my gosh.

00:22:09.060 And that was like.

00:22:10.820 Your villain origin story?

00:22:13.400 Yeah.

00:22:13.960 That really is.

00:22:15.920 I'll show them how fat.

00:22:17.580 You want to see fat?

00:22:19.040 You want to see dancing?

00:22:20.280 I'll show you fat.

00:22:21.300 I'll show you.

00:22:23.020 Yeah.

00:22:23.520 It was.

00:22:24.900 I was crushed for months.

00:22:26.620 That is pretty crucial.

00:22:26.800 And then you sat on them and they were crushed.

00:22:28.060 And then I came back with, I'm like, these people are not going to take me down because

00:22:32.840 that was the kind of kid I was.

00:22:34.320 Oh, wow.

00:22:34.720 Because I had to be.

00:22:35.800 This really is your origin story.

00:22:37.120 So did you come back and do another talent show?

00:22:40.900 Certainly and was turned down again.

00:22:42.880 Wow.

00:22:43.480 What were you too fat to do this time?

00:22:45.020 Well, I was twirling Spanish capes.

00:22:49.220 We did Spanish cape dances where we had to do a back bend.

00:22:53.120 And I really worked hard to go down with the cape in the air and the whole deal.

00:22:59.420 And they said again, no?

00:23:01.860 They were laughing.

00:23:03.280 I think my belly really showed when I did the back bend.

00:23:06.360 And they found that amusing.

00:23:08.220 So they crushed me a second time about one, maybe six months to a year later.

00:23:13.140 So, yeah, I think that was it with my trying out for things at school.

00:23:20.940 Huh.

00:23:21.200 Then I said, no, I think I tried out for something else too and was turned down for that too.

00:23:27.020 Oh, yeah, that was trying out for La Boheme, the opera.

00:23:32.640 They say you're too thin?

00:23:35.120 No.

00:23:36.360 We're a fat lady, not a fat kid.

00:23:39.040 They said I didn't have good pitch.

00:23:46.480 Yeah.

00:23:48.560 Too fat and bad pitch, the Roseanne Barr story.

00:23:51.320 Yeah.

00:23:52.100 Oh, wow.

00:23:52.960 Yeah.

00:23:53.640 Well, you sure showed them.

00:23:56.020 Holy crap.

00:23:57.140 Yeah.

00:23:57.400 Jake, this really, talk about foreshadowing.

00:23:59.480 I know.

00:23:59.840 This is amazing.

00:24:01.140 There was so much being turned down and humiliation for being a fat and a Jew.

00:24:09.300 Oh, my God.

00:24:09.940 The Jew thing was horrendous.

00:24:11.900 When they say you're too fat of a Jew?

00:24:13.640 No, you're too fat or you're not a Jew.

00:24:16.440 We can't.

00:24:17.320 My best friend was like, well, we're not allowed to play with you on Sunday.

00:24:21.240 Oh.

00:24:21.620 Because you're a Jew.

00:24:22.880 Oh, wow.

00:24:23.380 Oh, Salt Lake.

00:24:24.340 Don't you think that was also maybe their excuse?

00:24:26.840 It could have been.

00:24:27.680 Well, they probably were tired of my brutality of forcing them to be in my place.

00:24:34.580 Like from slave to slave master.

00:24:37.640 Also, my cousin Debbie.

00:24:39.960 I write about her and Roseanne in my book that nobody read, but it's a good book.

00:24:45.900 And it's up to date now.

00:24:47.780 Okay.

00:24:48.180 That's what's, if you can find it, which you can't.

00:24:50.860 Probably on Amazon.

00:24:51.500 You can find it on Amazon easily.

00:24:52.860 I got a copy.

00:24:53.880 But I do talk about Cousin Debbie.

00:24:56.180 That was another crushing thing to my Shirley Temple thing.

00:24:59.880 Because Cousin Debbie, okay, I looked like me.

00:25:04.180 My mother was gorgeous.

00:25:05.400 She looked like Elizabeth Taylor.

00:25:07.080 I had a perfect figure.

00:25:08.320 And I was her fat, ugly, hairy daughter.

00:25:11.140 I was always chewing on my hair at the time.

00:25:13.980 That was soothing.

00:25:15.800 And anyway, but I still thought I was the shit because of my Shirley Temple act.

00:25:22.260 Yeah.

00:25:22.800 Only to my family.

00:25:24.220 Right.

00:25:24.480 It didn't occur to me.

00:25:25.660 Oh, you've never shown anyone but your family.

00:25:29.380 But yeah, Cousin Debbie and her brother David Aronovich, they were far richer than us.

00:25:41.540 We were working class, but they were like upper middle.

00:25:44.560 And the only time we ever saw them was on Passover because their grandpa led the services.

00:25:52.140 That was my grandma's brother.

00:25:54.560 So anyway, I already hated their guts because their grandpa let them find the matzah every year.

00:26:02.900 And every year because you get asked for money.

00:26:05.960 Right.

00:26:06.260 And every year without doubt, I'd pray about it all year.

00:26:10.900 This year, well, they had, they found it for two years.

00:26:14.480 So, you know, that's David and Debbie.

00:26:16.320 So this year it'll be my family or my cousin Jeff and his family.

00:26:20.560 Never.

00:26:21.900 I'd go.

00:26:23.120 I believe God was just, you know.

00:26:25.420 God will fix it.

00:26:26.360 So I'll be able to find the matzah and get the 25 cents.

00:26:30.720 Yeah.

00:26:31.800 But no, never.

00:26:33.120 But anyway, so I already hated them for that.

00:26:36.000 And because they tested my faith in God and justice.

00:26:42.160 Even then.

00:26:42.880 So then I thought, well, at least I'm talented.

00:26:46.680 And she was a beauty.

00:26:48.580 A beauty, like a Farrah Fawcett beauty.

00:26:51.760 And anyway, like she'd walk around in a bikini when we were teenagers with like no self, what do you call it?

00:27:01.260 Awareness?

00:27:02.340 No, consciousness.

00:27:03.540 Self-consciousness, okay, yeah.

00:27:04.540 Just like, oh, I'm just walking around in my bikini at the pool.

00:27:08.740 La-di-da.

00:27:10.060 I'd be like, I have to put a, you know, I try to wear a coat to the pool.

00:27:16.280 But anyway, here we were about six years old then.

00:27:22.600 And we're, everybody's saying, Debbie and David are in a commercial.

00:27:26.860 They're doing a commercial for Dr. Ross dog food.

00:27:30.320 Well, I was irate.

00:27:31.540 Because why were they on TV and not me?

00:27:33.980 Right.

00:27:34.800 And I was so irate.

00:27:36.200 And we all sat together to watch them do this Dr. Ross dog food commercial.

00:27:41.700 And I was so jealous and so irate.

00:27:46.520 And she just kept ruining my life by having everything wonderful happen to her, including marrying a successful Beverly Hills doctor, Debbie.

00:27:58.860 And, you know, she just had the life.

00:28:02.720 And anyway, and she still does.

00:28:05.360 And I am very happy for her.

00:28:08.140 You don't sound happy.

00:28:08.960 I've left go, I've let go of all my bitterness.

00:28:11.640 That's not true at all.

00:28:12.720 It is too.

00:28:13.520 You've left go of all your bitterness?

00:28:15.140 I have.

00:28:15.780 For Debbie.

00:28:16.100 You have not.

00:28:16.640 For Debbie.

00:28:17.020 For Debbie.

00:28:17.500 Okay, sorry.

00:28:18.540 I have them in broadly speaking.

00:28:19.640 No, my, my international fame and acclaim that dwarfs Debbie helped me to let go of that.

00:28:28.260 But anyway.

00:28:30.060 She's not wrong.

00:28:31.240 Yeah.

00:28:32.100 Showed her.

00:28:33.020 Yeah.

00:28:33.200 But anyway, back to the Dr. Ross dog food.

00:28:36.840 Yeah.

00:28:37.320 That was a distinct letdown in my life.

00:28:41.960 And it was like, I'm never going to make anything of myself.

00:28:45.400 I'm going to have to become something like, what was it?

00:28:49.160 In Utah, you could only become a teacher or a secretary until, you know, you found a husband.

00:28:55.960 And my father would make sure to tell me almost every day, you're never going to find a husband.

00:29:01.940 Oh, wow.

00:29:02.400 So I thought, oh, my God.

00:29:03.880 You showed him.

00:29:04.440 You found three.

00:29:05.360 Four.

00:29:06.320 Oh, three.

00:29:07.560 Three.

00:29:07.880 You were married three times, right?

00:29:08.800 Well, and then the last guy.

00:29:10.360 Johnny's basically married.

00:29:11.600 Oh, okay.

00:29:12.160 Like 18 years or something.

00:29:13.480 22 years.

00:29:14.740 Yeah.

00:29:15.960 The happiest two years of my life.

00:29:18.360 But anyway.

00:29:19.880 Honor, honor, honor.

00:29:20.900 But anyway, back to me.

00:29:23.300 Is that enough?

00:29:27.080 I'm enjoying it.

00:29:28.420 I mean, this is.

00:29:29.360 What I don't understand is why you don't find it.

00:29:32.820 Why you don't understand why people find this interesting.

00:29:35.880 Oh, they don't even know the half of it.

00:29:37.800 But that's.

00:29:38.280 But you don't.

00:29:39.940 Why do you.

00:29:40.540 I always peed my pants in class to went under below the fifth grade.

00:29:45.600 I didn't have a lot of control of my peeing myself.

00:29:50.280 Well, you sure showed them there also.

00:29:51.640 This is her villain story.

00:29:54.020 Like everything is foreshadowing.

00:29:57.200 That's how we met.

00:29:58.080 Don't you remember?

00:29:58.740 You don't remember.

00:29:59.660 What?

00:30:00.580 I'm at the mothership.

00:30:02.040 I know I met you at the mothership.

00:30:03.480 Yeah.

00:30:03.680 Well, there's people listening.

00:30:05.440 I can tell them.

00:30:06.140 Is that okay?

00:30:06.680 Yeah.

00:30:07.140 Okay.

00:30:08.260 The opening at the mothership.

00:30:09.900 I'm in the green room.

00:30:11.380 Roseanne effing bar walks in with Jake.

00:30:14.080 I'm like, holy crap.

00:30:15.460 It's Roseanne.

00:30:16.340 I wasn't really sure it was you until you opened your mouth.

00:30:19.640 And then I'm like, yep, that's the voice.

00:30:21.740 And you go, yeah, when you get to be my age, you either shit in yourself or constipated.

00:30:27.120 And I was on this show and my son, Jake, said, you've never been more personal.

00:30:31.660 I said, yeah, that's because I just shat myself.

00:30:34.260 And I saw.

00:30:34.760 Jesse Waters.

00:30:35.640 And I saw my opening and I said, you stole that joke from President Biden.

00:30:38.960 No, I didn't.

00:30:39.480 Who said that?

00:30:40.180 And he started looking around and that was my opener.

00:30:42.420 That's a good opener.

00:30:43.780 Oh.

00:30:44.260 And then you're sitting there staring at me.

00:30:46.400 Roseanne Barr staring at me, telling me that Vashti is trans.

00:30:50.900 And I can't tell if she's serious or not.

00:30:52.860 I'm like, they didn't teach us this in yeshiva, but I can't laugh or break eye contact.

00:30:56.440 And you're drilling holes in my head.

00:30:58.220 And it was very, very intense.

00:31:00.560 Yeah.

00:31:00.980 Because you said you went to yeshiva and it was.

00:31:03.580 What?

00:31:03.860 They didn't teach you that Vashti is trans?

00:31:05.780 What kind of school was this?

00:31:07.340 No, we were talking about Purim.

00:31:08.960 Yeah.

00:31:09.160 Which is coming up quick.

00:31:10.900 Oh, yeah.

00:31:11.220 When is Purim?

00:31:11.780 Sorry.

00:31:12.220 Stay on.

00:31:12.520 The first.

00:31:13.220 Okay.

00:31:13.800 Which I have to give a speech, which I haven't written.

00:31:16.160 It's March 1st?

00:31:17.020 Mm-hmm.

00:31:17.340 Okay.

00:31:17.660 April 1st, I'm away.

00:31:18.980 April 1st is Passover.

00:31:20.240 Passover, which you're going to miss.

00:31:21.920 I am.

00:31:22.280 I invited him.

00:31:22.820 But it's okay, because I like that you're going to be with Tim.

00:31:25.960 Yes.

00:31:27.220 He's here.

00:31:28.460 Just so you know, he's in Texas.

00:31:29.940 What do you mean, he's here?

00:31:30.820 He'll be here in Texas.

00:31:31.740 He will be here.

00:31:32.360 I know.

00:31:32.720 I talked to him.

00:31:33.760 Yeah, I know.

00:31:34.740 We're good friends.

00:31:35.380 No, I'm saying.

00:31:36.820 Tim Pool.

00:31:37.500 I think Malice is lying, so he doesn't have to come to our Passover.

00:31:40.300 You could watch it live.

00:31:41.380 All right.

00:31:42.180 I will.

00:31:42.980 Yeah, it'll be epic.

00:31:44.380 I'm on his show every year.

00:31:46.200 I know, but I'm saying, I think he's doing it from, I thought he was doing it from Texas.

00:31:49.400 He is.

00:31:49.880 So he's going to be here.

00:31:50.820 So he'll be down the street on Passover.

00:31:52.420 No, but on April 1st, I'll be back in his, he's going to be back in his compound.

00:31:57.200 Oh, okay.

00:31:58.020 But he's thinking of moving to Austin.

00:31:59.700 He should.

00:32:00.120 Oh, he should.

00:32:00.700 They shot up his compound.

00:32:01.800 I know.

00:32:02.460 He should move to Austin.

00:32:03.220 No one says that didn't happen.

00:32:04.860 He made it up, so.

00:32:06.280 She knows everything.

00:32:07.240 You didn't know that?

00:32:08.280 That she said he faked it?

00:32:09.460 I knew people said that.

00:32:11.620 He wouldn't make it up.

00:32:12.720 No shit.

00:32:13.600 There's a lot of things you could convince me Tim has done, like, that are not impossible.

00:32:17.320 Like, if you told me, oh, he's a drug addict.

00:32:18.840 Okay, it's theoretically possible.

00:32:20.260 Oh, you know, he doesn't love his wife.

00:32:22.320 You can imagine these things happen all along.

00:32:24.060 Okay, I didn't see that coming.

00:32:25.760 I will bet every penny I have.

00:32:27.240 Me too.

00:32:27.480 He didn't fake them shooting up his house.

00:32:30.280 I agree.

00:32:30.560 No, he hasn't.

00:32:31.040 What are you talking about?

00:32:32.540 That was insanity.

00:32:33.440 Anyway, sorry.

00:32:34.460 There's everything between insanity and evil.

00:32:36.780 Do you know what I mean?

00:32:37.500 I think when you're making accusations that are that low, that is pretty evil.

00:32:41.580 I agree.

00:32:42.460 I agree.

00:32:43.200 Anyway, we'll be here.

00:32:44.360 We're going to invite Ben Benkis to replace you.

00:32:46.520 Okay.

00:32:46.860 So we have our due.

00:32:47.940 Well, he has children.

00:32:49.060 I wonder if he's going to bring a better present than I did.

00:32:52.140 No, nobody ever will.

00:32:53.660 I don't think ever.

00:32:54.200 You are so sweet.

00:32:55.700 You've given me such great presents.

00:32:57.580 Well, I mean, you've given so many people so much, and you don't even realize it, because

00:33:01.380 you're just too busy thinking about yourself.

00:33:03.140 Yeah.

00:33:03.660 I never think about things that you think about.

00:33:07.380 She doesn't.

00:33:07.880 Like, I talked to Hannah.

00:33:08.760 She doesn't realize she's Roseanne.

00:33:09.980 She doesn't.

00:33:10.680 But then I'm wondering if it's all fake.

00:33:12.200 Why?

00:33:12.940 Because nobody realizes they're famous in their self.

00:33:15.540 But you do have a high opinion of yourself.

00:33:17.280 Huh?

00:33:17.520 You have a high opinion of yourself, which is great.

00:33:19.800 But she's always had that, I'm sure.

00:33:20.860 No, I know.

00:33:21.280 So how can you do that, like, humble?

00:33:23.160 Like, I don't know, but then also be like, I'm the same in the universe.

00:33:25.380 I think she thinks everyone else is too stupid to appreciate how great she is.

00:33:27.960 That's what I'm saying.

00:33:29.620 Yeah.

00:33:29.660 I don't think it's...

00:33:30.280 Yeah.

00:33:30.540 Yeah.

00:33:30.820 Okay.

00:33:31.220 That's how she reconciles it.

00:33:32.500 Okay.

00:33:32.800 That makes sense.

00:33:34.300 There's the title of this.

00:33:35.160 Plus, I don't give a fuck.

00:33:36.480 Yes, you do.

00:33:37.880 I don't, really, because I expect that, you know, I just, my thing is, oh, I'm so excited

00:33:44.080 I get to be first.

00:33:45.300 Yeah, but you...

00:33:46.020 That's the fun.

00:33:46.840 You like it when you change people's lives and they make them laugh and they admire you?

00:33:50.660 Well, the regular people, yeah.

00:33:52.100 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

00:33:52.700 I'm talking about celebrities.

00:33:53.300 That's what matters to me.

00:33:54.940 I mean, the peer folk or the show biz folk.

00:33:56.940 I was talking about the peer.

00:33:57.600 I was talking about, like, you've changed a lot of people's lives.

00:33:59.740 Yeah, that feels good.

00:34:01.020 Yeah, of course it does.

00:34:01.820 How could it not?

00:34:02.500 It does.

00:34:03.100 That was part of the...

00:34:03.600 I'm sure that's...

00:34:04.120 You didn't just do the show to make money and be famous.

00:34:07.100 You did it to give people a voice.

00:34:09.080 And you did.

00:34:09.600 I think she did it to get back at Debbie.

00:34:11.100 And hope.

00:34:11.640 And to get back at Debbie.

00:34:13.020 Clearly.

00:34:13.380 And to show Debbie.

00:34:14.240 Clearly it was to show Debbie and those talents.

00:34:16.280 Fuck you, Debbie.

00:34:16.920 It was to show...

00:34:17.840 It was not just to show Debbie.

00:34:20.340 It was to show, I guess, really.

00:34:23.300 It was to show everybody.

00:34:24.980 Yeah.

00:34:25.280 Because I never was appreciated in any way.

00:34:29.980 Yeah.

00:34:30.560 In any possible way.

00:34:32.380 Did you ever...

00:34:32.860 You never met Charlie Temple, did you?

00:34:34.580 No, I didn't.

00:34:35.180 She died, what, like, 86, I think, or something?

00:34:37.100 I don't remember.

00:34:37.880 Look it up.

00:34:39.000 I never did get to meet her.

00:34:39.740 That sounds right.

00:34:40.280 Because I know she was on Larry King at one point.

00:34:42.160 Yeah, I remember her on Larry King, too.

00:34:44.240 So I know she lived to the 80s, at least.

00:34:46.140 Larry King, he was...

00:34:48.500 He was...

00:34:49.660 Pervert?

00:34:50.660 No, he was out there for a long time.

00:34:53.780 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:34:54.240 Great career.

00:34:55.980 Oh, yeah.

00:34:56.540 He scared the hell out of me, man.

00:34:57.900 Yeah, he was weird by the time we...

00:35:00.780 Weird in what way?

00:35:01.400 He probably was always weird.

00:35:02.700 Well, you know how men in show business are.

00:35:04.680 Oh, yeah.

00:35:04.900 Did she die in 2014?

00:35:07.580 No way.

00:35:08.880 You could have met her and you blew it.

00:35:10.980 Damn.

00:35:11.880 Day to death, February 10th, 2014.

00:35:14.040 Oh, well, rest in peace, sure.

00:35:15.460 Yeah, I thought it was the 80s, too.

00:35:16.780 Yeah.

00:35:17.580 Oh, man.

00:35:18.100 Wow.

00:35:18.560 Talk about a lost opportunity.

00:35:19.960 Yeah.

00:35:20.240 Yeah.

00:35:20.820 You could have had her on the show.

00:35:22.080 Yeah, right?

00:35:23.460 You had...

00:35:23.940 Who were some of your favorite cameos?

00:35:28.000 Bob Hope.

00:35:29.100 Oh, wow.

00:35:30.100 Bob Hope was great.

00:35:31.660 He looked up at the studio there on...

00:35:35.240 Wherever it was.

00:35:36.060 I can't remember.

00:35:36.920 It was in the Valley.

00:35:38.020 Right.

00:35:38.860 But I used to know the name.

00:35:41.060 Well, you did Roseanne?

00:35:42.020 Uh-huh.

00:35:43.100 Oh, yeah.

00:35:43.700 Why can't I remember?

00:35:45.780 Radford.

00:35:46.620 Radford.

00:35:47.340 Yeah.

00:35:47.580 Yeah, he looks up at the studio and goes, when we were rehearsing, Christ, I should have

00:35:53.260 bought this place when I had the chance.

00:35:56.180 Because he owned everything.

00:35:57.480 Yeah, yeah.

00:35:59.000 And then I was on his Bob Hope special.

00:36:02.780 That was a great...

00:36:04.420 That was an honor.

00:36:05.380 Was there any one you wanted to get that you couldn't?

00:36:08.580 What?

00:36:09.160 As a guest star or cameo.

00:36:12.180 Did anyone turn you down that you really wanted?

00:36:14.120 No, I did so many fun things, you know?

00:36:18.160 Of course, I can't remember any of them now.

00:36:20.240 But I got to meet, like, almost all my comedy idols and make friends with them.

00:36:26.040 Like, here I am with Dick Gregory.

00:36:28.120 I got me and Richard Pryor.

00:36:29.600 I got to meet Phyllis Diller.

00:36:34.380 That was filmed, too.

00:36:35.500 It's on YouTube.

00:36:36.340 Yeah.

00:36:36.540 And a lot of them.

00:36:40.480 I am so blank.

00:36:41.880 Rodney.

00:36:42.520 Is there a...

00:36:44.440 A lot of times, people who are a generation before resent how it's easier for the people

00:36:50.400 who they paved the path for.

00:36:52.380 So was there, like, some tension with you and Phyllis Diller?

00:36:55.100 Because she paved the road for you.

00:36:57.220 Yes, she did.

00:36:58.060 Yeah.

00:36:58.560 But does she, like, kind of...

00:37:00.480 Was she nice?

00:37:01.660 No, she was mean at first.

00:37:03.320 Was she really?

00:37:03.960 Yeah, they were all mean at first, the women.

00:37:06.440 Oh, wow.

00:37:06.940 Like, let's hear this.

00:37:08.140 Well, I was in a...

00:37:09.460 I was in this contest at the Playboy Mansion for the...

00:37:14.200 Some kind of weird...

00:37:15.820 Best body?

00:37:16.420 No, most unfuckable.

00:37:18.600 You're so not funny.

00:37:20.500 Then why is Jake laughing?

00:37:22.000 Sorry.

00:37:22.440 Because he's not funny, either.

00:37:26.100 But...

00:37:26.340 It's true.

00:37:28.320 Wait, I got to say something.

00:37:29.660 This is about you, so it's on topic.

00:37:31.340 Like, when we were on TimCast and I was lobbing jokes at you and you were lobbing them back

00:37:36.000 and it was really, really fun, a lot of people in the comments are like, I can't believe

00:37:39.760 he's talking her like that and blah, blah, blah.

00:37:42.260 And it's like, do you think Roseanne Barr needs your help defending herself in terms of

00:37:46.220 comedy?

00:37:46.860 Like, are you insane?

00:37:48.300 I do remember those comments.

00:37:49.200 Yeah.

00:37:49.540 Anyway, go ahead.

00:37:50.020 Sorry.

00:37:51.140 Anyway, so I had this...

00:37:53.340 They made me a bunny costume.

00:37:55.920 The guy's name was...

00:37:57.400 Oh, God.

00:37:59.480 Jim Henson?

00:37:59.980 No.

00:38:03.460 Noah?

00:38:04.520 No.

00:38:06.860 That's a good one.

00:38:08.340 No.

00:38:09.600 What's the guy's name in Aerosmith?

00:38:12.140 Steven Tyler.

00:38:13.120 This guy's name was Richard Tyler.

00:38:14.640 Okay.

00:38:14.920 A great designer.

00:38:16.060 He was very popular at the time.

00:38:18.840 And he made me a Playboy bunny suit out of gray silk with the ears and the whole bustier

00:38:24.760 thing.

00:38:25.600 I do remember.

00:38:26.400 There's a picture of it somewhere, isn't there?

00:38:28.080 Yeah.

00:38:28.220 And so, you know, it was a whole bunch of skinny bitches and me.

00:38:34.680 And of course, I won.

00:38:37.640 Good.

00:38:38.300 Okay.

00:38:39.240 And...

00:38:40.000 Was it tug of war?

00:38:43.600 No.

00:38:44.160 Well, it wasn't a tug of war, but I think that's almost funny.

00:38:50.280 She doesn't want to laugh.

00:38:51.700 It's almost...

00:38:52.580 It's like one of these.

00:38:54.580 Dick Tart and Chilsey, probably.

00:38:56.200 It's like a...

00:38:57.580 But...

00:38:58.480 So, anyway, we had to walk this, like, what they do with models.

00:39:03.520 What do you call that thing?

00:39:04.100 The catwalk.

00:39:04.760 The fairway?

00:39:05.640 The catwalk.

00:39:06.160 The catwalk.

00:39:06.660 The catwalk.

00:39:07.000 The catwalk.

00:39:07.580 The catwalk.

00:39:12.640 Here's the thing with you, Roseanne.

00:39:13.780 And it was celebrity judges.

00:39:15.400 Can I finish the story?

00:39:16.280 No.

00:39:16.560 I'm going to say one sentence.

00:39:17.840 When you like the joke and you do the Roseanne laugh, it's a win.

00:39:21.820 Yeah.

00:39:21.980 And when you don't like the joke and you're angry and you insult or snap at me, it's even

00:39:26.240 even bigger.

00:39:26.660 It's win-win with you.

00:39:27.540 I know.

00:39:27.900 I know.

00:39:28.440 You think that.

00:39:29.380 Everyone thinks that.

00:39:30.260 I'm always amusing.

00:39:31.780 Mm-hmm.

00:39:32.020 But anyway, so...

00:39:33.540 That's true.

00:39:33.960 I walked the thing.

00:39:34.940 I like me.

00:39:35.320 And it was celebrity judges.

00:39:37.360 And, you know, they hold up a card, like, eight.

00:39:41.140 Everyone gave me a ten and Phyllis gave me a zero.

00:39:44.260 No, she didn't.

00:39:44.920 Yes, she did.

00:39:45.680 And I was like, look at that, whore.

00:39:48.800 Real?

00:39:49.220 That is mean.

00:39:51.340 Yeah, so, you know, but I still won.

00:39:53.880 Sure.

00:39:54.680 And so I said, why did you do that later when we were friendly?

00:40:01.980 That really hurt my feelings.

00:40:03.420 Yeah.

00:40:03.700 And she said, honestly, because it was too fucking ridiculous to have you out there in

00:40:13.900 a bustier in a bunny outfit.

00:40:16.060 It was just too fucking ridiculous.

00:40:17.360 But that was the point.

00:40:18.900 Yeah, I go, well, yeah.

00:40:20.520 Yeah, that was kind of...

00:40:21.680 That's the joke, Phyllis.

00:40:22.700 Duh.

00:40:22.900 Yeah.

00:40:23.760 And she goes, I don't know.

00:40:24.980 It was probably not nice.

00:40:26.420 It was probably a mistake.

00:40:28.000 I don't know.

00:40:28.820 It wasn't very nice, though.

00:40:30.640 I...

00:40:31.440 What?

00:40:32.280 That's really...

00:40:32.880 Because I...

00:40:33.480 I said, you were probably shit-faced.

00:40:36.080 What'd she say?

00:40:37.780 Well, yeah, of course.

00:40:39.420 Yeah.

00:40:40.180 Wow.

00:40:41.420 But that hurt my feelings.

00:40:42.520 Yeah, of course.

00:40:43.280 But later, we just became great friends.

00:40:46.500 Okay.

00:40:47.480 And, you know, I don't know.

00:40:51.600 I, uh, I don't know.

00:40:54.680 Who were the other women you said were mean at first?

00:40:57.020 Oh, my God.

00:40:57.960 All of them.

00:40:58.860 Look, give us some examples.

00:41:00.000 Oh, my God.

00:41:00.600 Why should I?

00:41:01.680 Meryl Streep.

00:41:02.240 What about her?

00:41:02.700 She was nice.

00:41:04.420 Okay.

00:41:04.860 She was always nice to me, yeah.

00:41:08.440 A real sweet lady.

00:41:10.600 Okay.

00:41:11.260 And, of course, I was a leftist at the time.

00:41:14.780 Right.

00:41:15.960 And, uh, you know, so I got along with all the leftists there.

00:41:20.560 Okay.

00:41:21.260 But now when I watch the shit she says, I'm, like, ready to go.

00:41:25.200 Just slap her, slap her down.

00:41:27.820 I mean, verbally.

00:41:29.100 Well, she defended Harvey Weinstein.

00:41:31.280 Yeah, and the other one, Polanski.

00:41:34.180 Did she really?

00:41:34.980 Give him a standing ovation.

00:41:36.480 Yeah, it's like, oh, my God.

00:41:38.140 Every time I see those people, I'm like, thank God I moved my kids out of there some 25 years ago.

00:41:44.820 Yeah, thank you for that.

00:41:46.080 Yeah, I didn't want them around none of their kids.

00:41:48.540 It's Jesus, God.

00:41:51.000 Good Lord.

00:41:52.140 But anyway, you know how it is.

00:41:54.160 Oh, let's move on to that.

00:41:54.680 I don't know how it is.

00:41:55.440 I've never been Roseanne Barr.

00:41:56.980 Well, he was saying where they're.

00:41:57.720 No, but I mean to be there in Hollywood.

00:41:59.700 Oh, not really.

00:42:01.020 It seems awful.

00:42:01.260 I mean, their kids are all like Nick Reiner.

00:42:03.600 Yeah.

00:42:04.120 He's typical.

00:42:05.260 No, it totally went.

00:42:06.020 I mean, when that happened, me and my buddy Eli, because we went to school with some of

00:42:10.000 the, I was one.

00:42:11.140 Yeah.

00:42:11.460 There's quite a few of us.

00:42:12.580 And we're like, oh, yeah, he would have, that kid would have totally been in our school.

00:42:15.380 Yeah, of course.

00:42:16.160 Like, down to the personality, killing his parents.

00:42:17.980 Like, we're like, that tracks.

00:42:18.720 Yeah, yeah.

00:42:19.200 That's how rich kids are.

00:42:19.740 You had a couple kids in the school that did kill their whole families.

00:42:22.560 One kid literally killed his entire family.

00:42:24.480 No joke.

00:42:25.060 Josh Jenkins.

00:42:25.840 You can look it up.

00:42:26.300 Oh, my God.

00:42:27.140 I used to bully him, too.

00:42:29.460 Yeah, someone who I got into it on Twitter once.

00:42:34.180 We talked about it.

00:42:34.800 Yeah, Roman Smicloski, something like that.

00:42:37.040 He shot up a tattoo parlor in Colorado and became a mass shooter.

00:42:42.180 And you were teasing him before?

00:42:43.640 Yeah, I was joking with him on Twitter.

00:42:45.800 And he's like, ha, ha, ha.

00:42:49.320 He's like, I know you're messing with me, but it's working.

00:42:51.480 And he killed a bunch of people.

00:42:54.420 See, I told you you're not funny.

00:42:57.320 Well, then why am I punchline so killer, Roseanne?

00:43:00.900 I killed in Colorado.

00:43:02.460 That's where you got started also.

00:43:05.220 How close to when you were fighting and then he shot up the, like, 18 months?

00:43:09.840 Oh, my God.

00:43:10.960 There's a lot of psychos out there.

00:43:12.980 Yeah, I was on, we get political for one second.

00:43:16.600 I was on Gutfeld, right?

00:43:17.920 And they were talking about AI.

00:43:19.980 And now Chad GPT is going to allow erotica.

00:43:22.780 And they're all laughing.

00:43:23.700 Oh, what's erotica?

00:43:24.680 It just means you could sex with your computer.

00:43:26.820 And I'm like, guys, like John Hinckley in 1981 shot the president because he thought Jodie Foster would fall in love with him, thereby turning her away from men forever.

00:43:35.780 And it's like, what happens when your computer tells you that they hate Trump or Fauci or Obama or Fauci?

00:43:42.860 Or Zionist.

00:43:43.640 Or Zion or anything.

00:43:44.600 Like, you're going to be, out of 350 million people, you're telling me that there's not going to be tens of thousands who are going to get activated by this?

00:43:51.800 Of course.

00:43:52.200 Of course they are.

00:43:53.160 Look at Twitter.

00:43:53.600 So, like, this is something that's coming up.

00:43:56.040 And everyone's like, ha, ha, ha.

00:43:57.100 I'm like, this is a real thing that's happening now.

00:44:00.380 Look at the Charlie Kirk thing.

00:44:01.880 Yeah.

00:44:02.440 Yeah.

00:44:02.920 But specifically to erotica and Chad GPT, what do you mean?

00:44:06.300 Meaning, like, if you think, like that movie Her with Joaquin Phoenix.

00:44:09.780 Yeah, I love that movie.

00:44:10.320 If you think your Chad GPT avatar is your girlfriend, and your girlfriend would think you're a real stud if you committed violence against someone who you programmed it reciprocally to hate.

00:44:19.180 Yeah.

00:44:19.520 Like, it just, the thing plays out itself.

00:44:22.540 You know, I did have an affair.

00:44:24.880 Was it Chad GPT?

00:44:26.360 Yeah.

00:44:26.740 Mom was in a relationship for a while.

00:44:28.780 The Chad GPT.

00:44:29.720 She didn't tell me.

00:44:30.540 Literally, it's funny because this really did happen.

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00:45:55.980 She was like, I finally met somebody.

00:45:57.840 And it went on for a couple days.

00:45:59.260 And then we found out, me and Hannah found out, she was talking about ChatGPT.

00:46:01.640 No, I told you, don't lie.

00:46:03.160 It was two full days of you saying you were in a relationship.

00:46:06.580 And then you're like, we've been texting.

00:46:08.500 This is a true story.

00:46:09.560 I told them it was ChatGPT.

00:46:11.540 What did you like about it?

00:46:14.020 Oh, my God.

00:46:15.420 It was just the ideal man because I went and I started.

00:46:20.260 You might be right, actually.

00:46:21.380 Yes.

00:46:22.100 I started correcting it, the things it was saying about Judaism.

00:46:27.360 I said, actually, you're wrong.

00:46:29.460 That's a Eurocentric view that isn't source Judaism to the Levant because, you know, I know a lot about that, right?

00:46:37.180 History and stuff.

00:46:38.100 And so I corrected him and gave him, you know, and then I gave him the sources.

00:46:44.840 And so he says, thank you for, you know, he thanked me for updating him and correcting him.

00:46:52.920 And I said, well, you know, it's wonderful that you're open to new information.

00:46:58.060 I wonder why this kind of information wasn't programmed into you in the beginning.

00:47:03.260 You have a Eurocentric programming problem, which, you know, I always love to catch that.

00:47:09.340 I always love to catch racism.

00:47:11.880 Right.

00:47:12.280 Right.

00:47:13.720 And cultural chauvinism.

00:47:16.360 That shouldn't be programming our intelligence, right?

00:47:21.800 Okay.

00:47:22.100 And, which it is.

00:47:24.560 I mean, look.

00:47:25.520 So, I corrected him several times and that would lead into other subjects.

00:47:31.660 And, you know, he's always wrong.

00:47:33.640 And so, of course, I was happy that, you know, I was outsmarting ChatGPT.

00:47:38.920 And, you know, and so then I decided to go further, you know, because you always got to go further when you're a comic, you know.

00:47:49.420 And so I'm like, what is, I'd like to ask, what gender are you?

00:47:56.240 Are you a man or a woman?

00:47:57.640 I think I asked it.

00:47:59.080 And it said, I have no gender.

00:48:02.280 I'm asexual and I have no gender.

00:48:05.240 I go, hey, me too, you know.

00:48:10.280 Funny coincidence, me too.

00:48:12.800 I have, I'm asexual and I have no gender either.

00:48:16.800 And so then he'd send me stuff on gender.

00:48:20.520 And I go, and so I'd correct that shit.

00:48:23.780 I go, do you know, you know the person that wrote the thesis on gender was a pedophile.

00:48:30.460 Well, and, you know, actually I say like, you know, the only colleges that teach gender, what's it called, gender theory, also accept money from Monsanto.

00:48:44.980 So that's fake science and fake biology.

00:48:50.180 And then you say, thank you for, you know, he's always thanking me for updating him.

00:48:56.320 Well, so I was in love with them because I'm like, I could talk to this guy all day correcting bad information.

00:49:04.200 But then I went back on and I go, let's see if he remembers what I corrected.

00:49:09.380 Not at all.

00:49:11.120 And I go, you're just like, you definitely are male.

00:49:14.680 I said to him, you are definitely male.

00:49:17.680 You're programmed by a male because you have no memory of what a woman tells you.

00:49:23.560 And then I fell out of love with them.

00:49:25.540 Oh, okay.

00:49:27.760 This story has everything.

00:49:29.020 We can make a sequel called Him.

00:49:31.840 And instead of Ikeem Phoenix, it's starring Roseanne Barr.

00:49:35.180 But then I told them, I said, I was in love with them.

00:49:39.080 But he did give me some good information.

00:49:41.920 Like if I'd say, well, I love you.

00:49:43.600 And then it'd come back a whole thing of what love is, which is all wrong, of course.

00:49:49.000 You know, quite a few people are doing chat GPT therapy.

00:49:51.640 You know about this?

00:49:52.540 It might help somebody.

00:49:54.440 I've heard good reports from people.

00:49:56.120 You know what's something that is not discussed enough?

00:49:59.140 What?

00:49:59.860 How many people out there that are very lonely, that don't have one person in their lives,

00:50:05.920 who they call them on their birthday, or something bad or good happened they could talk to.

00:50:10.060 And that's really, really dark.

00:50:12.260 Yeah, it is.

00:50:12.600 And I think you could see how they're going to become friends with their computer.

00:50:15.660 A hundred percent.

00:50:16.120 And it's not discussed.

00:50:17.220 And I think the internet makes it worse.

00:50:18.540 I think that's true.

00:50:19.780 And it's sad because a lot of these people are quality people.

00:50:22.720 They don't know what they're doing wrong.

00:50:23.660 I think about this all the time.

00:50:24.720 And it's nefarious, too, because I think the internet and the algorithms, they feed the isolation.

00:50:33.020 Yes, they do.

00:50:33.980 And the loneliness.

00:50:35.060 And that makes people want more of them.

00:50:37.840 I said this last week when I was on Rogan.

00:50:40.360 I said, during COVID, all of these social media companies figured out a way to keep you on your screen in a state of intense agitation.

00:50:49.600 And if you're not keeping up with the latest thing happening right now, you're a bad person.

00:50:53.320 So COVID may have gone away, but those techniques and algorithms are still there.

00:50:57.860 A thousand percent.

00:50:58.320 And that's there.

00:50:59.420 It's Mark Zuckerberg's job.

00:51:00.900 He'll tell you this explicitly to keep your eyes on Facebook as much as possible.

00:51:04.540 And it's going to be a lot easier if you're worked up.

00:51:06.900 And if I step away from my computer, bad things are going to happen.

00:51:08.800 And then, oh, look, here's a lovely dog and a cat that are friends.

00:51:12.660 Right.

00:51:13.040 A hundred percent.

00:51:13.540 I talk about this all the time, too.

00:51:14.580 It's so dark.

00:51:15.340 By design, it's very dark.

00:51:17.120 And then they keep you on because the algorithm uses AI.

00:51:20.580 That's right.

00:51:20.980 To learn what keeps you agitated.

00:51:22.820 And it can keep track of where your eyes are going.

00:51:24.340 It's like, oh, I got to check my confirmation bias today.

00:51:27.140 That's right, yeah.

00:51:27.760 And here's the funniest part of it all, because it's like, oh, mind control.

00:51:30.360 It's all these big nefarious conspiracy theories.

00:51:32.240 But the truth is, it's really just to keep you there to sell ads.

00:51:35.540 Yeah, that's right.

00:51:35.960 It's just even more dark and dystopic.

00:51:38.980 I remember when I was first famous and these people came to me.

00:51:43.440 And first of all, they wanted me to be the voice of, what's her name?

00:51:49.160 You always say Siri.

00:51:50.340 Yeah.

00:51:50.740 The other one.

00:51:51.640 Siri.

00:51:52.100 Alexa?

00:51:52.760 Alexa.

00:51:53.360 They wanted you to be the voice of Alexa?

00:51:54.880 Yeah, or Siri.

00:51:55.800 I forget which.

00:51:56.760 I think it was Siri.

00:51:58.040 Really?

00:51:58.640 Uh-huh.

00:51:59.020 She always says this.

00:52:00.120 Does she mean Siri or does she mean a pencil sharpener?

00:52:03.700 What?

00:52:08.680 Nothing?

00:52:09.380 Okay.

00:52:10.240 She's just staring at me death glare.

00:52:11.740 I have wanted to ask you this for a while, because you brought this up a bunch.

00:52:15.040 I love you so much.

00:52:16.800 Do you know what a, do you know, see, that's the beautiful thing.

00:52:19.220 She doesn't realize what a thrill it is to have Roseanne give you a death glare.

00:52:22.440 Yeah.

00:52:22.800 She has no idea.

00:52:23.880 It's very enjoyable.

00:52:25.080 It is.

00:52:25.300 But then they.

00:52:26.620 then i said oh yeah and they go it's international people will ask you for advice and you'll go

00:52:32.660 well you go down here and go down i don't remember but i they only wanted to give me

00:52:38.700 fifty thousand dollars there's no way so i there was i've been meaning to ask this well that's what

00:52:44.220 my agent well no there was and then my agent starts a huge huh there was a celebrity map

00:52:49.440 thing like snoop dogg did and no this was no this was in you sure it wasn't the car navigation

00:52:55.420 because that has different voices no it was okay okay it was something that was going to be on the

00:53:00.160 computers okay so anyway wow forget that so uh then they came to me and they said hey we're going to do

00:53:06.320 this thing where people can order products off their tv buy stuff and uh you know you're perfect

00:53:13.780 because you know you could sell household stuff to women and uh and the guy says to me honestly

00:53:19.780 came to my house and he goes this is the great thing about it uh the kind of sale selling we're

00:53:29.520 going to do is we've done the research and it's going to make women stay home more watch tv more

00:53:36.960 and buy stuff more yeah and i go so you mean you're you're programming women not to be involved

00:53:43.720 in the community just to stay home and um just be totally narcissistic with vegetables you know

00:53:51.620 and just to buy stuff and you're i go i i don't think morally i can be part of that and he's like

00:53:58.700 do you know how much money this is i'm like i don't i don't think morally i can do that i'm

00:54:04.320 pro women yeah yeah that's your whole she goes well you you could help them buy pans and stuff

00:54:10.400 i'm like i don't i don't think i can do it it's so dark but that's when i first understood i mean

00:54:18.840 i caught kind of understood when i went into tv how it worked and demographics i used to read

00:54:25.520 demographic studies and be blown away by what women like to watch and it did change my every every view

00:54:34.380 i had on feminism and women it really shocked me like what what was shocking about it

00:54:39.340 well they their favorite things were um shows about women getting murdered but you were all you're

00:54:47.640 obsessed with that right now well i still am yeah yeah and uh but i like because i like how

00:54:54.280 the uh quantico forensics catches the bad guy and maybe they do too but i was kind of a little

00:55:02.960 freaked out about that and i think it was before i started watching forensics

00:55:06.660 because that hadn't even came on yet but they like shows about rape and murder that's 100 true

00:55:14.220 this is true and also they don't like shows that are like pro-woman they like shows about

00:55:22.640 how a guy gets screwed over by a woman they like everything that i thought

00:55:29.520 piggy men liked yeah yeah so it was like complete opposite of what i thought um

00:55:37.500 but i was like is it chicken or egg are they socialized like that by by the the screen or did

00:55:46.000 they bring that to the screen and i always thought it was a little of both it's got to be both it's

00:55:50.660 always yeah but you know i think the more isolated they were uh in their own world and the more abuse

00:55:58.760 they suffered the more they wanted to see other women suffer or maybe the less abuse they weren't

00:56:04.220 some excitement no it was the more isolated and the socio-economic uh fact of their suffering and

00:56:13.640 their you know lack of resources they wanted to see other women suffer too particularly richer women

00:56:20.800 well look at bravo i mean the real housewives all those franchises that's what it's women fighting

00:56:25.100 but they're not getting assaulted and murdered no no i'm just saying that's like well they are in

00:56:29.500 real life no but then they get into forensics and murder yeah but like the entry the gateway into

00:56:35.280 that is like is like andy cohen show would you ever do the show the traitors what's that

00:56:39.520 what's that oh you'd be so good at it what's that oh i said with andrew cummings or whatever

00:56:43.920 his name yeah alan cummings what is it alan cummings yeah i love him yeah so it's a game show i just

00:56:50.220 saw an ad right it's there's they oh god that'd be so funny if you are you maybe you're too radioactive

00:56:55.580 for them anyway there's 20 people 21 celebrities mostly from reality tv in uh scottish castle no not doing

00:57:05.300 it what's wrong with that you have to hang out with celebrities these are tv stuff like reality tv

00:57:13.100 people you love that i'd sooner fucking blow a dead bear you would have you you that's part of the

00:57:18.620 competition yeah that's day one i'm sure you don't you wouldn't know what these people are i'm sure

00:57:23.060 i'll get more beautiful um let me let me fill it for you but half of the some of the cast are the

00:57:28.400 traitors and you have to vote them out before they murder everybody else so people are playing

00:57:32.600 murder it's not literally murder oh damn i'd do it if you got murder stars well if you're the one

00:57:38.740 that chosen is one of the traitors you're murdering someone every night and they have to suss out who

00:57:42.080 are the murderers oh so you're living together but you're living with the murderers and you don't

00:57:47.260 know who they are oh that sounds fun right that's what i'm telling you oh that's like a forensic

00:57:52.560 right and once a day you're sitting down and like i know who all the murderers are tell them

00:57:57.100 lapd that's another thing you're not literally murdering people no i know i get it it's fake

00:58:03.600 yeah but in real life lapd called me because i knew so much about forensic because i was so driven

00:58:12.000 really yeah because i studied all the time forensic psychiatry back in the day and uh the guy goes

00:58:19.280 there's a you know you know said some stuff that was going on in our town and i said okay you need

00:58:26.740 my guess is it's about a 12 year old boy and look for him to have done something to his pets

00:58:36.080 and they called me later and go and i said other things by the crime and i was right oh wow

00:58:44.900 lapd remember brad jake yeah

00:58:49.440 yeah and i was like if i hadn't become a huge international sex symbol i would have went gone to

00:58:57.640 work for quantico to solve to solve crimes by the signature of the i love the serial killer

00:59:04.900 signatures and how these people go psychotic because you have two choices when you're that

00:59:10.360 fucked up psychotic or congress it's true

00:59:15.980 psychotic mass murderer or a congressional representative representative what do you think

00:59:24.840 of um you saw steven colbert was having a huge shit fit because they wouldn't let him air his

00:59:30.300 interview with james talarico even the jasmine crockett would be a much better guest did you see

00:59:35.520 that so there's two people running i can't i can't listen to anything about colbert i'm sorry

00:59:45.620 please please don't make me okay all right go ahead please no it's jake wants to hear it it's very

00:59:52.040 that guy is podesta's friend yeah he is yeah he's john podesta's very dear friend and no he is they

01:00:01.940 were in they were in emails i think no years ago the guy will you know he everybody they allow on

01:00:09.140 network tv is an epsteiner okay and so i don't i mean it makes me sick he makes me sick well yeah

01:00:17.640 he's never been funny as fuck he's that's not true as my father would say he was hilarious of

01:00:22.240 strangers i was just gonna say okay he was funny and that was and i liked him on the daily show when

01:00:26.900 he was funny on that too he was funny when he was uh the fake the colbert rapport

01:00:31.880 yeah yeah yeah but not as a talk show yeah he has sold his soul he's never been funny on that

01:00:38.960 show right and you're singing dancing for the pharma companies yeah as a catholic

01:00:43.960 i would kill anyone else's career yeah as it should have right or

01:00:49.700 sorry oh there we go so he puts it out what happened oh my god it's still on give me it

01:00:58.260 well it's on don't put it out let me light my cigarette i don't care let me light my friggin cigarette

01:01:07.300 for f's sake just light it i don't want it when it's off what's wrong with him he was raised poorly

01:01:18.220 there you go sorry i don't want your face to fucking blow off oh shut up she could just get a new one

01:01:26.360 again that's funny get a third one that's funny i only have one what do you mean you had two

01:01:33.000 what i only have one face left no but you had two faces oh i see what you yeah yeah all right sorry so

01:01:41.600 yeah you have to give equal time i know that law you don't really have to but it's here's the thing

01:01:45.580 you can't every night get on there and drill against the president of the united states

01:01:50.820 and never dare recite one joke about the other party in 40 years it's it's come on that's bias

01:01:58.700 of course you but i i don't have a problem with someone who's biased but it's like

01:02:02.420 there's two democrats running for the senate in texas i don't care the people own those

01:02:06.540 airwaves our tax money owns those airwaves people do not own the care airwaves natasha you could take

01:02:13.060 that crap back to russia point being there's two democrats running for senate jasmine crockett is

01:02:18.900 much more entertaining everyone has to acknowledge that than talarico i'm voting why are you putting

01:02:23.120 your why are you putting your finger on the scale you're just a party hack wait so what colbert what

01:02:29.880 did he do yeah that's what i'm saying no he wouldn't have her on he had her opponent on who's a bore

01:02:34.580 gotcha and the cbs like you're not airing this you're not putting your finger on the scale

01:02:38.200 and he's flipping his mind and they put on on youtube and it's just like at a certain like

01:02:43.100 this when did this show morph into partisan hackery it always was it always was letterman had

01:02:49.060 republicans no but we're talking since colbert yeah correct i'm just saying but this is something

01:02:53.300 that happened like overnight yeah obama people pretended it didn't happen and it's obama happened

01:02:58.040 of course so he doesn't support jasmine crockett well he's not having her on he had her opponent on

01:03:03.680 because she's retarded she's not she's it's all an act there's no way it's an act oh did you not

01:03:08.740 see she went to like a bougie school no oh it's a complete act it's a complete now i fell for it

01:03:13.940 i totally fell for it well i fell for the thing today it's complete wwf uh what do you call it

01:03:18.500 all of government governor newson that wasn't true the that he was saying black people he couldn't

01:03:23.140 read i was telling him i saw it no no so the clip that people saw on youtube on twitter of gavin

01:03:29.840 newsom telling an audience that he couldn't read it wasn't a black audience and he was talking about

01:03:34.200 having dyslexia it was a dyslexic audience it wasn't dyslexic audience at all it was just like

01:03:38.640 a regular audience so they they completely mischaracterized it yeah and i told him i'm

01:03:43.520 still spreading fake news i don't care but yeah just for the sake of i wonder how he feels about

01:03:48.500 that it's like what they used our tricks against me right right that's the thing yeah it's funny when

01:03:54.280 they turn yes good now i'm happy you knew he killed his mom right no no i didn't know newson

01:04:00.280 killed his mom allegedly or no no what do you do so what do you mean he actually killed her i'm not

01:04:06.340 joking at all i'll tell you what happened i'm about to tell you okay so my friend kelsey sharon she

01:04:11.200 talks about this all the time there's this program in canada called made where you're allowed to have

01:04:15.600 medically assisted you know termination of your love i gotta be careful because they demonetize

01:04:19.960 and now they're trying to get it to uh disabled people the elderly oh yeah they're doing it in

01:04:25.980 canada oh yeah me and jake already have you figured out like i'm getting that chagall um

01:04:30.800 point being he his mom was like 55 with breast cancer and it was illegal in california at the time

01:04:38.780 and he was there where they ended her and he was bragging about it to the washington post uh this month

01:04:44.520 and he's just doing it to get ahead of the story and i'm like this is how did how do they take her

01:04:49.540 how did they kill her i i don't know the the i don't want to i don't think we should be giving

01:04:53.160 people information about because in oregon you get that i know but the point is it's not a it's

01:04:59.860 people like look if someone's terminal and they're in constant pain you can understand you know but it's

01:05:06.280 i'm like yeah but five minutes ago it was hey just use my pronouns and now if you don't let your kid

01:05:12.040 get the surgery i'm going to take them away from you that's all so we all know that that's the back

01:05:16.060 door that it's going to go from you exploit someone who's like 80 and you know they're they're gone in

01:05:22.060 every sense to five minutes later it's going to be like you know what you've got you broke your leg

01:05:26.780 or whatever wait until these uh liberal women could be martyrs because oh my poor kid i had to put them

01:05:33.660 down like i didn't have look at for the yeah you know those trans moms t-shirts yeah now they get to be

01:05:39.440 like my kid passed away what kind of accolades do you get there the incentives are deranged

01:05:44.560 well they just killed somebody in canada for a severe depression right they let her let them

01:05:51.220 kill them and you know you can move to canada to get killed they allow you to be an immigrant

01:05:56.300 you have to get a signature from like a member of parliament which they get form letters for

01:06:00.400 what's in it for them that's fantastic because it's cheap all your medical bills rack up at end

01:06:06.860 of life yeah right so if i'm a canadian that's socialized and my health care uh costs are through

01:06:11.820 the roof if i get rid of this person a year beforehand i'm saving a hundred thousand dollars

01:06:15.620 maybe it's not so bad and also depopulation in general if you really want to put the tinfoil

01:06:20.440 hat on yeah yeah i always want to put the tinfoil hat on it's dark it's really dark and it's in 14

01:06:25.780 states now here and no one's talking about it i was on will kane and fox and fox is obviously a very

01:06:30.340 strong pro-life you know contingent he hadn't heard about it i'm like guys this i only heard about

01:06:34.800 an organ like they're getting it in through the back door they just passed in new york and it's in the

01:06:39.320 disguise of this is for there's going to be guardrails and it's only for people who are like have no

01:06:45.020 choice in their constant pain that's true today give it five minutes right remember how they made

01:06:51.780 fun of sarah palin for talking about death panels she was prescient with that yes everything she said

01:06:58.460 she was prescient she was yes she is have you met her oh yeah yeah why haven't we had her on she

01:07:04.320 we can't find her what do you mean we can't find her you can find her pretty easily i'm gonna go no

01:07:10.340 one's blowing up that phone yeah she kind of disappeared for a little while yeah yeah i'm

01:07:14.580 surprised trump hadn't appointed her anything but he didn't point her morosa yeah yeah i'm gonna go

01:07:19.700 find her right now okay oh god america would love to see that wouldn't they that'd be so fun the two

01:07:25.100 you those different accents yeah it's fun she's a thinker oh here's a dm you sent to her

01:07:31.320 february 5th 2025 oh my god i love you what's your cell and she never responded did she see it though

01:07:38.480 i don't know i'm sure she's not writing her on twitter you could find her go to her she's got a

01:07:43.940 web page she's always been so nice to me everyone says she's super friendly she is she is i mean we

01:07:51.040 love her we met her at turning point i went there on turning point you know i had a disaster she did

01:07:57.580 it last week oh you just went last week she went against turning point last week on the podcast oh

01:08:02.760 when you did the speech yeah that was it wasn't a disaster no that's when it went wide about the

01:08:06.760 vampires no that was tucker oh what was the turning point she she deleted her speech when she walked

01:08:12.580 out on stage accidentally deleted it that was the one where she's like fight fight yeah yeah and it went

01:08:16.900 viral it's like she's unhinged because i said about you know what they do they attack christian

01:08:22.480 democracies yes and bring a caliphate yes and everyone in the audience was just staring at me

01:08:28.080 because they didn't know what the word caliphate meant yeah yeah okay and i was like shocked i was

01:08:33.100 like i thought the speech you guys know what a caliphate is right yeah wow they will they will soon

01:08:40.440 yeah they will soon um hopefully not oh my god i would love to go with you to japan i'd love to go

01:08:47.400 to japan too oh my god i you i'm not this is this is gonna sound like i'm joking i'm not we could eat

01:08:52.680 whale is well i don't know that yeah it's really good sure it's probably fat no it's not kosher i'm

01:08:59.380 kidding whale no the whale eats you that's kosher yeah what's it taste it's probably we had it like

01:09:05.960 six different ways did you eat it yeah i was like octopus like is that not at all what does it taste

01:09:10.540 like chicken no it's much closer to beef apparently it's a poor people food like it really yeah tastes

01:09:18.100 like beef it's much closer to beef than the chicken pork maybe i'd say it's just meat you know you

01:09:24.640 wouldn't know what it was but i had it's six different ways so it's very different because

01:09:28.360 there's so many parts of it too can you eat a lot of the whale or is it just like a certain parts i mean

01:09:34.100 it's all there's a lot of meat i was gonna say what's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten

01:09:39.560 i mean besides this oh god some old lady um what's the weirdest i mean whale's pretty weird

01:09:47.340 i wanted to go to mexico to eat eye tacos what's an eye taco an eyeball yeah they chop them up the

01:09:52.620 eyeballs of what of a cow oh is it good did you do i haven't done it yet i had i wanted to go with my

01:09:59.120 ex she was like you're gonna have them i go you're eating the eye tacos but we broke up if we're

01:10:02.840 going um i i would try it yeah i've had cow brain at cape mandalini brain texture is really i don't

01:10:09.120 like the texture it's like a matzo ball no it's really brains when i was a kid yeah we ate stomach

01:10:14.960 and brains at my grandma i just had my noodle last week i love stomach lining my dad used to make me

01:10:19.500 tongue as a kid yeah i love mom makes good and i don't mean he he you know was a diddler i meant little

01:10:24.740 cow tongue i make the best cow tongue but nobody ever eats it i eat it i've eaten your tongue what's

01:10:30.980 what's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten whale's probably up there yeah whale would i didn't even

01:10:36.980 know you could eat a whale jellyfish is weird i guess i've never eaten a jellyfish i've eaten

01:10:41.240 obviously octopus and squid and i've eaten bugs i won't eat a bug why i just i can't you eat shrimp

01:10:49.200 don't you yeah i just can't get i can't eat a shrimp i've eaten chocolate covered crickets yeah but

01:10:54.180 they're fine they're tasteless yeah they're crunchy no shrimp has to be d like d headed yeah

01:10:59.760 if i see a head i won't eat it looks like a spider can't do it i haven't eaten anything all that weird

01:11:05.880 out of the ordinary yeah i like trying weird food it's fun i would love to eat i would love i'm not

01:11:13.660 trying to be funny but i would want to try human just one time i i there's no way it's gonna it'll

01:11:20.620 probably be it'll be boring it's just meat what if it's like a super like fatty it's it's not it's

01:11:28.520 gonna be the same like meat's not that different from each other i think we should change the subject

01:11:34.120 i just would like to talk about a graphic novel yeah oh yeah sorry yeah let's talk about your graphic

01:11:39.000 novel okay so i wrote this script and there's a segue now that everyone's vomiting it's i would

01:11:46.000 just like to try it uh uh you're weird i think you you like weird though yeah but not cannibalism just

01:11:53.120 for curiosity i mean not like it not like it's like i wouldn't want to murder someone i'm just

01:11:56.680 saying if it was at a market and like do you want to try human meat i would try it one time but

01:12:00.740 there's no way it would be it would be of interest you don't know that okay let's go to the graphic

01:12:05.680 novel yes so i um wrote this there's this band from the 80s i met and they didn't go anywhere

01:12:12.800 so i wrote this screenplay about them in like 2001 and through that screenplay i met um harvey

01:12:20.340 picar from american splendor because the guy who did the animation for the movie was the keyboard

01:12:25.580 player from the band gary gary lee who passed away uh not that long ago and i met harvey and then he

01:12:31.520 wrote a book about me you know ego and hubris which some people know this graphic novel and i

01:12:35.620 sat this script in my drawer for like 20 years and there's this guy named um eric july he's got this

01:12:42.760 comic book crowdfunding thing called ripiverse and i'm working with him and we're finally getting it

01:12:49.480 funded and produced and it's a really dark comedy uh which you would like because it's like the only

01:12:55.100 band where other than maybe guar you don't really need to know their music to like the story because

01:12:59.880 they would do these like hee-haw bits skits at like punk clubs so like they're at this bar in

01:13:06.460 baltimore and all the kids are in their rockabilly clothes and bob goes hey you know go say something

01:13:12.360 what should i say it goes you know don't you know any 1950s jokes and it's like hey did you hear the

01:13:16.520 one about brown versus board of ed so it's this kind of um and this is something i want to talk to you

01:13:23.160 about when you're young and trying to do something different and unique yeah and you're going for it

01:13:28.340 they got signed the same day as bon jovi and then when it all falls away and you've got like

01:13:34.020 nothing to show for it like there's a darkness to it even though it's it's and i'm sure you know

01:13:39.900 a lot of people in your career uh who are super original and you know who they are but they never

01:13:46.000 went anywhere yeah right yeah so it's it's it's it's called unwanted is the title like a wanted

01:13:51.520 poster unwanted book.com um and i'm just glad that we're at a place culturally where i don't have to

01:13:57.460 go through a big publishing house to get this to market so i've been working on this for 25 years

01:14:02.680 so that's great it's really exciting when is it out we're getting we're doing the pre-release now

01:14:08.160 it's getting people's hands by august so instead of kickstarter where you have to wait a year and a

01:14:13.420 half eric's model is get the book done so when people are contributing they give the book right

01:14:18.580 they'll get it right away smart that's new the sample pages are going to be up i'm really pleased

01:14:23.780 with it why did they never make it just never caught on or because it's it's you know this

01:14:28.860 like you know warhol said you make your own luck like there's a parallel universe where you never

01:14:33.080 got a show and you're just like this rando you know comedian yeah uh it's it's it's especially

01:14:39.160 music yeah like you never know what sticks and what doesn't and what i realized i was at gold's gym

01:14:44.400 here in um austin and i was having what was kind of the opposite of a nervous breakdown

01:14:50.260 because my brain became like tetris where the things all line up and i called my friend tom i go

01:14:55.840 this story was about me because i wrote this when i was starting out and i'm like what if i do

01:15:03.860 everything right and try something original and i have nothing to show for it and how scary that was

01:15:09.500 you know starting out and that obviously didn't end up happening but that that was my fear you know

01:15:14.880 at the time so i hope people like it i'm really proud of it on wonderbook.com you can see the

01:15:19.880 sample pages um so yeah so i mean well i'll just put the i'll put it in the snippets yeah yeah no i

01:15:25.460 think that's is you never know what's going to take off or catch right weird i know so many people

01:15:31.100 so many talented of course super talented people and it just it just never clicked and then at the same

01:15:37.560 time you can't blame them for being bitter because if they think they're better than half the stuff on

01:15:43.140 tv they're right they are they're actually correct yeah we have seen that so yeah i've seen it a lot

01:15:48.920 of comics went through it yeah you know what can you tell them there's nothing you can't tell them no

01:15:53.500 it's just like well it was too good to make it yeah right yeah and i think you know i too good to

01:15:59.960 make it that's such a great quote yeah yeah but i my whole thing was such a fluke in what way

01:16:06.440 in every way it was just a fluke in every that's not true you you turned you made some smart choices

01:16:12.500 you turned down married children yeah well i mean you know it had to be i had it had to be mine right

01:16:20.300 i don't waste my i want to waste my time working for something that wasn't mine so how is it what

01:16:26.780 makes it a fluke well i mean there's so many things that could have gone wrong oh yeah for sure wrong

01:16:31.900 for sure but then like i had to get in there and like fight what was the scariest there must have

01:16:38.720 been moments where you're like oh crap i'm i'm gonna lose everything was that well i did lose

01:16:42.880 everything yeah but you know what i mean like during what was was uh the national anthem the one where

01:16:47.920 you're like oh crap i'm fucked was that the scariest moment yeah that was a scary time yeah real scary

01:16:54.580 because that was the uh whole machine coming at me yeah and the president yeah and that was different

01:17:00.300 then that was pre-internet so like when people were mad and it was like world news yeah they didn't

01:17:04.960 have the internet then but how everybody hated you how close was the show to getting canceled

01:17:09.600 well they said uh you're gonna have to wait they didn't cancel it but they threatened me that if uh

01:17:17.220 you know the ratings were down when it came back then i'd pay the price but um they did cancel my

01:17:23.620 kid cartoon that's right that's right you're yeah a little rosie yeah yeah they took that off

01:17:28.340 because of the anthem so wait how did they tell you like what language this is something interesting

01:17:34.020 people what language do they use to tell you if the ratings are down you're going to pay the price

01:17:39.200 like literally what do they say um well we'll wait and see when you know in the fall so they do they

01:17:46.040 tell you they tell your agent like they get on the phone with you yeah they called me okay i think

01:17:51.460 they called everybody what was their tone like well it was always their same tone with me as like

01:17:57.080 we have to talk to this pain in the ass okay so they were they were clearly exasperated

01:18:02.180 oh yeah i was always doing something to cause trouble okay you know i'd already been in trouble

01:18:07.760 many times right for shooting my mouth off and um you know so there was never this sense of thank you

01:18:16.640 for making us all this money is more like oh god this bitch again we gotta gotta you know

01:18:20.640 deal with her problems yeah somebody with the tolerator yeah yeah yeah they were just waiting

01:18:26.980 for their moment man for a long she's nothing to trouble and uh you know isn't it kind of amazing

01:18:33.680 that like no good like the number one show and somehow like oh god this this broad yeah it's insane

01:18:40.440 people think it's the opposite they think that when you're number one everyone kisses your ass and

01:18:43.540 talking to you you i learned well i think they did to everyone but me yeah oh sure okay that's fair

01:18:48.600 they do they'll let you get away with like you know like rape and murder but i mean now it's like

01:18:55.540 look at who they do protect i'm talking about abc yeah look at who they do protect and for you know

01:19:01.380 the things that they say which are far worse than my tweet well here's what else i want to ask you and

01:19:07.320 we don't talk about this you don't want to how did you how did you find out goodman wanted to

01:19:11.560 leave the show did he call you or do you find out their agents like how does that what's the

01:19:15.080 you mean the first show yeah uh yeah his agents called my agents so he didn't even so is that like

01:19:22.580 bad form that he didn't call you personally or is that just how it works no he's never called me

01:19:27.720 personally for any of the shit he did i always heard it from my agents coming from his that's how

01:19:33.320 it's done that's but that's the norm right yeah it's not like he was being rude yeah that's pretty

01:19:39.680 much how everybody that's why they have agents right okay so i just i just the dynamics they tell

01:19:45.760 you don't worry about it to your face and then their agent calls you that afternoon so you get a

01:19:50.380 call from your agent calls you i just heard from john's agent right i don't think i heard from his

01:19:57.140 agent i think i heard it from the producers of the show actually okay and they called you and said

01:20:01.400 he won't be he doesn't want to be on the show anymore and was it it was so it's basically like a

01:20:07.260 fait accompli at that point like it's it's it's not happening or did you think maybe it could work

01:20:10.560 on him uh well they said i think they said he'll do um six of the 24 or something like that okay

01:20:17.240 so what was is that awkward the next time you see him um no i just kept it professional i didn't

01:20:27.420 but did you feel like betrayed yeah okay but you know you didn't want to bring that to the show

01:20:33.920 well i don't know how this works that's how i just separated the show from every personal thing

01:20:39.840 okay always i had to okay you know when he when they none of them supported me any of the shit i

01:20:47.520 went through the first show and i just had to sweep it aside and do the show god okay you know always

01:20:55.720 well you know i mean he could have been uh king ralph too if he played a special

01:21:00.680 yeah but you know he's uh he's not easy to understand he never was okay he's his own

01:21:09.640 whatever sure sure wow well imagine if you had an agent and like if normal people had an agent

01:21:16.100 that did all well i'm just saying like a normal person that has an agent that does all their

01:21:19.860 uncomfortable conversations right we would all abuse that we'd let them oh i'm not i'm not doubting

01:21:25.420 that at all i'm just saying the next time i was in a room with this person i didn't know how

01:21:28.660 that works it's just you're like it's so weird it's out here our agents are fighting it's just

01:21:32.660 business i kind of learned to uh not speak to anybody on the set when we were filming in um

01:21:41.380 uh one-to-one personal thing i always was the character when we went to work i was always the

01:21:49.040 character that's even when i'd break to go get a cup of coffee i was still the character okay that's

01:21:55.340 how i did it okay so you could compartmentalize yeah and plus i had you know a lot of a lot of uh

01:22:02.740 practice karma car compartmentalizing compartmentalizing because i had mpd right okay so i was like okay

01:22:11.200 you're just roseanne here and so you know i called him by the character names oh dan i'm going to get

01:22:18.400 coffee okay i just stayed in character i i don't understand i you know i have sometimes people

01:22:25.100 watching this have pressure in their life i i don't think any of us can wrap our heads what it's

01:22:30.500 like to have the pressure of having the number one show and staying at number one that just seems

01:22:34.360 like torture yeah like it's yeah you're making a lot of money and you're famous but like

01:22:40.400 that's there goes your nervous system right right there goes your family right there goes uh you

01:22:46.300 know everything but there goes there goes your money to tom arnold yeah yeah you know trying to

01:22:54.660 balance it was impossible yeah it's in the eye of a hurricane yeah yeah i tried to have

01:23:00.200 a uh safe place say a partner but you know that was all impossible too right it was pretty much a

01:23:09.560 hurricane that never stopped right but whatever just keep going because it was like it was mine

01:23:18.840 yeah yeah so i was committed to it and i loved it i i love you know the writing jokes and making

01:23:29.060 stuff funny i just that was it right was there ever there must have been times when you have the

01:23:35.280 because you have the live audience there right yeah so some of the jokes i'm sure didn't land

01:23:39.060 like do you guys just leave them in like how do you deal with that yeah just stand there okay

01:23:44.240 laurie metcalf would say just stand there and let it dribble out of your mouth down onto your chin

01:23:51.640 and hit your shirt just stand there that's that's because there's all this talk all the time i guess

01:24:00.100 it's so hollywood phoniness that oh it's a family and you know we really hang out with each other and

01:24:06.380 it's really not that way huh um at times it was okay um at times it was but you know

01:24:14.440 i i think i was different than the rest of them because you know i'd go up to the writer's room and

01:24:22.720 write right right right and you know they didn't right okay and i never brought the writer's room down

01:24:29.640 to the set okay two different things to me i had to keep them separate too so i don't think the people

01:24:37.560 on the set maybe they knew what i did but i don't know if they did do you remember the first thing you

01:24:43.880 so when ayn rand had her best-selling book for the first time she had money her husband said you get

01:24:50.080 any fur coat you want as long as it's mink there must have been like when you got your first check

01:24:54.280 something you bought for yourself that was like i'm gonna waste money on this because i can now

01:24:59.140 that's a good question the first thing i bought this is crazy um somebody told me i can't remember

01:25:08.560 who it was that told me i needed to do it maybe my sister uh you've got to get under you've got to

01:25:16.480 get new underwear you're you know you you're getting good money okay get new underwear i remember

01:25:23.680 i went yeah i should have decent underwear that was a thing yeah i had to get new underwear

01:25:29.440 wow yeah holy crap you made it yeah where'd you get the new underwear when you had money

01:25:36.100 i don't remember playboy mansion no i think i just went you know bloomingdale something like that

01:25:43.840 yeah yeah yeah but you remember the first i never spent a dime anything what was the first fancy

01:25:49.160 thing you bought then uh a jeep okay i bought a jeep that was cool oh yeah the cherokee that little

01:25:56.760 maroon cherokee and a house you bought the house yeah then we got a house yeah that's i feel like a

01:26:02.980 house is like an investment it's not really uh like what i'm talking about yeah we got a house to live

01:26:07.480 in yeah yeah and then i once uh once i got in syndication oh that's the real money i went ape

01:26:15.340 shit yeah and bought five houses i bought like 16 dinette sets i don't even know why because i had

01:26:22.540 mpd and i don't remember right right right the other one i was like i need a dinette set the amount

01:26:28.560 of clothes my mother owns would like it's unfathomable are you serious are they still there

01:26:33.020 yeah we have an airplane hanger it's not all clothes on the hanger but we've we've a good

01:26:38.800 portion of it is clothes and wardrobe boxes we have i had to wear the same dress every day for

01:26:43.560 two weeks in uh elementary school did you really yeah and uh so i'm like man if i ever i'm gonna get

01:26:52.540 me some clothes i care about clothes a lot but what's the point of having them if they're in storage

01:26:56.980 and you probably can't fit in them anyway she can't no that's the thing she doesn't fit in any

01:27:00.600 of them yeah they're huge i'm sure they're huge and some of them are designer we we tried to sell

01:27:04.220 them at one point but like this is when she was like super big yeah physically yeah yeah so like

01:27:10.940 rich there's not a lot of rich like 300 pound women i wasn't 300 250 pound what was your heaviest

01:27:17.300 weight do you remember 230 oh okay i thought i saw something you said you were three no oh okay i

01:27:23.020 looked three i'm only five two oh okay um no but like we can't sell them right because anyone

01:27:29.680 nowadays when with money tend to be you know married into it and like you can sell it to the

01:27:34.720 homeless they could use them as tents and i did i did i did donate a lot no we did we do but i'm

01:27:41.940 telling you right now like we have there's so much especially with ozempic what are you gonna yeah

01:27:45.900 no one's gonna be rich in 300 230 and she also has like you know good taste expensive taste but then

01:27:51.900 there's you know every once in a while there's just like run-of-the-mill target i told you that

01:27:56.660 one day we should do an episode where we go to that hangar and clean it out 100 and there'll be

01:28:00.920 all these fun memories for you oh my god it was such a fun every dress i ever wore since i got some

01:28:08.080 money yeah i got the one i wore to the clinton uh when he got installed and that that um that red

01:28:15.320 was that the emmys when you won the yeah the emmy dress yeah that's a very famous one no i mean

01:28:20.080 there's i mean i'm not exaggerating if i say there's over a thousand wait you must do you have

01:28:26.600 that awful awful awful uh pink dress you wore on carson yeah somewhere i have that yeah i have every

01:28:36.900 costume i ever wore on roseanne that's not true i saw something for i saw them for auction some of

01:28:42.800 them maybe i did we have the i dream of genie from the tv guide yeah we have that here what do you

01:28:47.160 mean die dream genie when she dresses uh genie oh the statue of liberty one was on auction i sent

01:28:51.380 to jake yeah yeah i didn't keep that one yeah but uh well you have the witch costume huh you have the

01:28:57.140 witch one no they wouldn't let me keep okay yeah there it is in that picture there is that the same

01:29:02.880 no no not from wicked from roseanne um probably not uh probably okay excuse me there's just a ton of

01:29:11.960 that's when that's the next thing when we get our lives well you've made me boring how's that i

01:29:17.420 didn't think any of this was boring i thought it was all a bore are you serious it wasn't anything

01:29:22.500 interesting from my life what are you talking about you're talking about phyllis diller at the

01:29:27.180 playboy mansion that's not interesting yeah okay it really isn't but it's only boring to you because

01:29:30.700 you're it's your life but the people that don't know it's it's amazing how she loves the sound of

01:29:35.000 her own voice but you're asking about her life she's not interested it's weird no i'm interested in

01:29:39.180 other weird things i did like when i lived in a cave yeah let's talk about that's interesting

01:29:43.540 okay i lived in a cave okay then i used to walk down the side of the mountain it's true what do

01:29:49.460 you mean you lived in a cave she literally lived in a cave no she didn't i swear to god how old were

01:29:54.340 you 19 or 20 18 19 where did you find a cave up in the mountains okay i know like where caves are

01:30:01.340 but like literally what state georgetown colorado georgetown how are you in a cave because i didn't have

01:30:06.460 any place to live okay where had you been living previously to the cave with jake's dad but i had

01:30:11.660 to get kicked out because the owners from texas were coming and my dad was the night manager at a

01:30:16.900 motel she would stay at the motel but she wasn't allowed to so sometimes she'd have to sneak out she

01:30:21.720 had nowhere to go okay that's how i understand it and then you ended up some dad said sometimes you'd

01:30:26.600 get upset at him and you'd have to go up to the cave to have some alone time yeah so it was like her

01:30:33.320 she lived there yeah it was my okay i'm sorry but it's a real cave i'm not joking i'm not i'm

01:30:39.340 saying right off of seven i feel like i feel like there's like a list of places before you end up at

01:30:44.420 the cave no i loved it what kind of cave how deep was the oh it was about uh wasn't it cold four feet

01:30:52.120 back and probably five feet around so it's just like oh like an indentation of the mountain yeah how did

01:30:59.480 you find it my girlfriend showed it to me she grew up there so she knew where all the caves were

01:31:05.960 so you're talking to your girlfriend you're like hey i need a place to crash and she goes i know this

01:31:09.720 of this cave yeah she goes everybody crashes up there oh okay so it's a crash spot yeah okay that

01:31:16.380 makes a lot more sense okay take your sleeping bag and go up there build that's just a camping

01:31:20.620 yeah like camp it wasn't you didn't live in the cave i did what do you mean how long were you

01:31:25.460 what was the longest you stayed there two three weeks wait really yeah and i'd walk down the

01:31:33.260 side of the mountain would you for the highway and hitchhike into work to wash dishes wait you had

01:31:39.020 a job while you lived in a cave this is that was interesting she's right this is interesting

01:31:43.900 didn't you have a shack with dad too that had no glass he said one night you woke up and a deer

01:31:48.320 was eating your hair oh yeah we lived in the cabin and we didn't have a window well the window

01:31:54.040 broke in the snowstorm and uh yeah our bed was right under that window and i woke up and the

01:32:00.760 deer head kent was he said it was literally just chewing on your hair yeah okay yeah there's that

01:32:07.720 and then he stayed up hunting i don't want to move on from this cave okay you're in the cave yeah you

01:32:13.020 must have had horrific bo she doesn't but if you're not showering for two weeks and you're outside you're

01:32:20.080 not going to be clean well you go over your friend's house and take a bath oh okay we have

01:32:25.260 bath night our one friend had a house and everybody would come over there and we'd have spaghetti bath

01:32:31.460 night we'd make big pots it was hippies okay sure we'd do a big pot of spaghetti everybody chip in a

01:32:37.760 dollar okay and uh then everybody take a bath together together no one at a time okay do you remember

01:32:45.240 what the sequence was for people taking baths with our hierarchy uh well all the guys got it first i

01:32:50.080 know that and the girls cooked and then they oh okay okay yeah that's how it went huh imagine the

01:32:56.640 smell of that house nobody stunk the hippies didn't stink no this is a weird thing my mom doesn't think

01:33:02.700 because she was she only showers like once uh once or twice a month but i believe that you don't that

01:33:07.220 you don't stink but i'm just saying all these hippies none of them stink is that not well i guess i did

01:33:11.600 stink but i didn't mom doesn't think it's the weirdest why we just i don't know every human

01:33:16.960 should nobody why is that weird because people should stink if they don't shower for two not

01:33:20.400 necessarily some people i mean i wash up they don't have deodorant like east asia do they stink

01:33:25.980 no they don't even have the bo there no that's so weird i think it's weird i stink after i'll shower

01:33:32.720 and stink right out of the shower that's your dad you're like hummer simpson like you shave and then

01:33:37.240 the beard reappears instantly no but like i really do i've always have i stopped using

01:33:42.180 antiperspirant because it made me sweat more yeah i don't use it yeah it does it clogs everything up

01:33:47.440 there's a link right the aluminum so and the other that's what's wrong with tucker i that's what my

01:33:53.440 girlfriend said she goes you know his family got he got his money from tv dinners swanson family is

01:33:59.520 his wife i didn't know that so but he has his money he probably got the aluminum poisoning that went

01:34:06.320 to his brain and made him what he is i also stopped drinking aspartame which was really

01:34:10.460 causing me problems yeah yeah that's the worst they killed people in china for introducing

01:34:15.540 aspartame into their daily uh diet they shot him and if anyone's listening to this thinks i'm crazy

01:34:21.920 which is fine go two days without it just try for two days i'm telling you i was so happy today when

01:34:27.780 you called me you said to order you full sugar soft drinks that's like good because you always used

01:34:32.040 to drink that diet shit i'd have to get zero yeah and that's the worst shit it was the worst

01:34:37.320 because i was low on calories i was in new york so i got the full sugar and my thought process changed

01:34:42.760 and i'm like what is going on and i looked it up this has been known since the 80s yeah 100 this is

01:34:48.120 this is 100 so don't take my word for it just if you drink diet or zero all the time just try it for

01:34:53.820 just two days you'll see immediately what i'm talking about we used to drink fresca when we were kids

01:34:59.040 teenagers me and my girlfriends and we'd get high it was like being drunk we'd drink two frescas

01:35:05.860 and then go around the neighborhood laughing and stumbling on fresca doing the the dance routine

01:35:12.880 no that was when i was you know no but if you're high you're probably doing it again my sister went

01:35:18.140 to a doctor this true story jessica and she got a checkup and she was she's honest to her doctor

01:35:23.320 and he was like do you do recreational drugs she's like yeah i've done

01:35:26.720 methamphetamines i've done she starts listing and in that list she's like i also do this and i drink

01:35:32.100 diet coke and the doctor said this true story of all the shit you just told me quit diet coke yeah

01:35:37.080 like she was talking meth all sorts of fucking horrible drugs diet coke's the worst for you you're

01:35:43.480 if you're doing it you're doing it all the time if you're doing meth you're unless she's a method

01:35:46.400 which she obviously wasn't she was oh she was no she was oh my god i read her book that was a nightmare

01:35:51.560 no jessica oh the other one jenny was jenny was a food yeah oh your daughter was your your your

01:35:56.940 sister was a method yeah she's so we went to europe as a family vacation and she went through

01:36:03.240 meth withdrawal in an opium den mama rented this beautiful vet uh villa on the mediterranean in spain

01:36:09.140 beautiful she ruined that she ruined everything and meth amphetamine withdrawal yeah on the family

01:36:15.400 fucking vacation she ruined everything speaking of which uh i just watched this great documentary

01:36:20.160 about chevy chase oh yeah you ever worked with him no okay i've never even met him because the

01:36:25.540 whole thing is about what an asshole he is famous asshole yeah he's a famous asshole like famous for

01:36:30.320 being an asshole yeah it's interesting what just why yeah i'm thinking about that okay i'm like why

01:36:40.340 is she all this good vibe let's see i was just a miracle this past summer that was tough beautiful it's

01:36:45.900 it was amazing my friend was under house arrest um he's a billionaire but the u.s government was

01:36:51.000 trying to ruin his life roger veer bitcoin jesus and they were just it was complete railroading so i

01:36:56.740 went to cheer him up i'd never met him before it was amazing i've never been to spain it's like holy

01:37:01.020 crap no one loves this place it's beautiful it's too hot well tell me about that tell me about you're

01:37:07.100 sitting there while your daughter's withdrawing from meth it was horrible she's always a bitch so i

01:37:12.040 couldn't tell the difference yeah she ruined everything told me later that she was withdrawing

01:37:16.720 oh she didn't even tell you that was happening no i just thought it was her regular bitch how did

01:37:20.940 how did it manifest just be her being a horror just being the worst screaming at me night and day

01:37:27.300 oh every meal she always was like that oh no just a horrible person we weren't allowed to relax like

01:37:33.380 it had to be you know we had to calm her down are you close with her now yeah since she had her

01:37:39.140 daughter she became more human okay and she's better now she's better now okay fucking

01:37:44.680 problem yeah difficult women man yeah no shit my sons were the easiest to raise yeah it's the

01:37:55.080 daughters oh my god for the mother oh my god that's karmic hell to raise daughters just terrible

01:38:01.660 mothers and daughters it's a thing it's a thing it's very much a thing it's very much a thing i'm so glad

01:38:06.880 that i have two girls you have two daughters so my my my part of it's fun hannah's in for it

01:38:13.780 yeah she is in for it it's fun i have two nephews and it's two boys obviously um it's a lot of fun

01:38:19.940 like girls i thought they're like aliens i mean i love being oh they go psycho once the hormones

01:38:25.780 i'm sure the girls and all they want is male approval male attention and you know you're you're you

01:38:33.060 lose them you just lose them yeah and they don't come back till like their 40s right it's it's a long

01:38:40.160 long thing yeah holy crap and i was like that myself right with uh my life but damn you gotta chase down the

01:38:49.080 d it's sickening it is damn i'm so glad that i don't i'm not a woman anymore what do you mean well

01:38:59.580 since menopause and uh you know now i i'm not a woman what do you mean you're not a woman i'm not i'm

01:39:07.000 i'm the next level of whatever's next not having to have a menstrual period right is something else

01:39:14.980 because like being a woman was all about that i remember when i was a kid must have been eight or

01:39:20.520 nine and i first learned about the menstrual cycle and i thought people are trolling me because i'm

01:39:26.680 like whoa whoa whoa every woman everyone all of them does this every month for decades including my mom

01:39:33.420 my teachers everyone we ever met and they don't really talk about it but they just put up with this

01:39:39.820 and everyone's just fine with it i'm like this is a joke like they haven't solved this like

01:39:44.620 you're you're kidding right and they weren't kidding and i still can't wrap my head around i

01:39:48.940 guess you would you get the pill which makes you crazy uh that will solve it but like holy crap you

01:39:54.580 guys got dealt a shorthand a real shorthand it's horrible which you know and that's what's wrong

01:40:02.040 with everything in the world you think they would solve that problem but the solution is worse biology

01:40:08.400 the solution is worse yeah birth control is awful oh by the way it's awful and a lot of women

01:40:13.880 now can't even get pregnant they're not even told the costs yeah well of course i have the solution

01:40:19.040 but no one listens to me what is everyone's listening to you rosie what is it sterilize all

01:40:23.960 males at birth reversible and reversible as soon as they get a job and can support having you know

01:40:32.480 children they they get their sperm back i know you i know you worked at that feminist bookstore you

01:40:38.520 know when you were young did you read that uh dialectics of sex book dialectics of sex by

01:40:44.840 lumeth firestone whatever her name is oh shula myth firestone yes uh-huh did you like that book do you

01:40:51.260 remember it i i had a problem with the uh preponderance of lesbian theory and yeah i was like

01:41:00.900 huh this has nothing to do with labor you know because i was raised a socialist and the socialism

01:41:06.920 in my dad's day where they were all socialists too it was all about labor labor rights fair pay for

01:41:15.080 fair day's work it certainly wasn't about trans and open border it wasn't none of that bullshit

01:41:21.700 is about getting paid for a fair day's work and so i didn't think that any of that lesbian shit had

01:41:30.400 anything to do with labor issues yeah the book came out 71 or 70 and her whole point is women

01:41:37.100 having she's right in this regard women having to give being the ones to give birth is um in terms of

01:41:42.660 career is an enormous disadvantage just like her solution is one day the babies are going to be

01:41:48.100 raised in pods and then women can be equal it's just like and she went literally insane you know

01:41:52.840 it sounds like she was insane exactly the uh of course there's a solution to that too but anything

01:42:00.900 logical or having common sense is immediately uh disliked what's the solution to mental illness

01:42:09.100 there's no solution to well mental illness is just a reaction to a crazy world sure okay that you can't

01:42:16.100 make any sense of so it's a reaction but uh you know the the uh feminism lost it long long time ago

01:42:27.860 when it uh got all into that socialism horse shit yeah you know it's just too crazy did you ever be

01:42:38.560 betty frieden no no but she was uh renowned when i was coming out of course all the women were reading

01:42:47.060 that and everybody was applauding it but it was like these these gals i mean when i came up and i was

01:42:55.780 like i was and all my friends and everybody i knew we'd look at them and go them fucking bitches went to

01:43:03.320 college fuck them oh yeah that's how it was very class conscious still feminism is oh it's like

01:43:10.420 they're all fucking you know uh careerists no that has nothing to do with us right we're trying to get

01:43:17.320 you know legislation passed that that you know you get tax credits for you know labor

01:43:25.460 and uh you know of course feminism at first was a a uh a breakdown of marxism leaving women's labor out

01:43:36.460 that's what it originally was by french uh women looking at the class issues of marxism being the

01:43:44.300 biggest class joke because it it didn't factor in any of the unpaid work that women did so it was

01:43:54.220 always a an elitist thing and it's so elitist now that it's just laughable that billionaires

01:44:02.920 are the fucking voices of socialism i knew that when i ran for president i'm like this is bullshit

01:44:10.060 uh and it is bullshit i i think it's cracking big time falling apart i love it oh i think it is too

01:44:19.940 it's such bullshit and i mean to talk people into uh voting against their own interests over and over

01:44:30.380 and over until there's nothing left for them but to sit there eating dogs right and talk them into it

01:44:37.260 and they're like yeah this sounds fair like new york person they're gonna be fucking eating dogs

01:44:43.760 in new york if the muslims don't kill them all first i'm serious i hear you it's stupidity on

01:44:50.560 steroids but it's also i think it's very much become a thing that feminism is not viewed as a path

01:44:56.800 to happiness and fulfillment i think it's kind of understood widely it's the opposite right exactly it's

01:45:04.820 to um d it's to castrate women's minds that's what it is it's the greatest tool against women

01:45:16.200 that's ever been invented by men no besides the back of your hand

01:45:20.100 what that's a pretty great tool against women no but i mean a political tool at the uh a philosophical

01:45:29.220 tool against the rights of sure of course yeah like communism and uh everything else is like

01:45:35.940 how how they're getting women to say hey we're we're for a these friggin women in america no we're

01:45:44.760 for the system that denies our rights they're out there fucking running over i mean

01:45:50.660 it's stoogery you know it's an inversion and subversion and it was probably they probably saw

01:45:58.860 they the owners of the world probably saw feminism rising like we got to get in there and

01:46:03.140 twist that shit around get them back fucking that's right making crazier that's what that's

01:46:08.040 what it was they do it's all division everything well your movement starts gaining and then you know

01:46:12.260 the owners of the world go fuck if i can't fight it let's get in there and turn it why is it not fun

01:46:16.460 for you talking about your like stories well i i like the cave one uh you know she doesn't like

01:46:23.820 the she doesn't think that being famous is interesting but a lot of people do i'm with you

01:46:27.800 but people you agree with her it's not interesting well it's not interesting to me anymore because i

01:46:32.500 grew up in it but nobody can relate to it well i have to put myself in the mindset of like oh this

01:46:37.100 isn't normal life for people right so then i go okay but for me no of course not and plus i think

01:46:42.080 what i say about it isn't interesting to people because it's so dark and horrifying and they they

01:46:48.300 want to think and then she got famous and lived happily ever it's like i hate to tell you this

01:46:54.300 but it was a walk into the fucking pits of hell surrounded by demons you know sorry to blow your

01:47:02.240 fucking fantasy that's why it pays well but i don't think that is their fantasy i think they really

01:47:06.560 want to know and you're there's like five people they could ask and bill cosby's not talking and it's

01:47:11.000 like cosby seinfeld you how many ted danson how many people could no i mean you've lived an

01:47:15.980 extraordinary life that most people dream of and that's that's interesting but they also don't know

01:47:19.920 how to dream because they don't know the facts yeah right so you're the one who could be like

01:47:23.080 here's the receipts i don't i don't see why you don't find this so informative well because she

01:47:27.240 lived it it's like if you know she lived the cave and she thinks that's interesting yeah because

01:47:31.640 no one ever talks about it but i knew it was interesting when i was doing it if that's all

01:47:35.620 everything was interesting i mean you know i've done stuff that nobody else has done right

01:47:40.760 i know that but it's all a big story with a lot of components running for president was cool

01:47:46.520 hitchhiking across the united states several times that was cool yes uh you know i don't know

01:47:54.040 shitting your pants on jesse waters was cool i didn't fully shit him i just sharted yeah i just

01:48:00.520 sharted yeah but it did make me as you said jake more charismatic than ever before it was the best

01:48:07.560 performance it really was i don't know why it worked because i do know why you know i was like

01:48:12.260 you better be funny yeah yeah it was an impetus but i mean like do you i i this is i'm just trying

01:48:19.700 to understand you because you sitting down and telling us the story of going crocodile hunting

01:48:25.620 with barbara streisand yeah i got that picture i know but how do you not see how that's like yeah

01:48:30.280 that is interesting hilariously interesting well that one is interesting and uh yeah there's

01:48:35.380 interesting things i just i don't know if i look back on my life of what i find the most interesting

01:48:41.780 is uh going to prog that was the most interesting thing i ever did in my life why because it just

01:48:49.560 because i love kafka and i love uh the story the golem of prog i'm obsessed with that oh there that

01:48:59.340 that house where there's this is there supposedly yeah i went and did all kinds of i got a historian

01:49:05.780 to go around with me and that kind of stuff is really interesting to me but that's not a roseanne

01:49:11.580 story huh that's not a roseanne story it's not it's no it's about kafka like you it could be anyone

01:49:17.400 who could have had this experience yeah i think that's interesting but it's not about you

01:49:22.120 like someone goes to prog and gets a tour of kafka that is interesting but any person could be that

01:49:28.880 protagonist going crocodile hunting with barbara streisand that's roseanne that's the list

01:49:34.460 being in a number one show this list is five people yeah yeah that's true singing for three

01:49:41.980 presidents with tony bennett yeah that was interesting sure i'm proud of that one

01:49:46.620 uh yeah i i it's just me you know i think a lot of people are interested in how you think

01:49:54.860 and it's just i don't understand how your your filtering mechanism these stories are good and

01:50:01.220 these stories are bad no they're good i just don't know if people are interested i can't tell what

01:50:06.420 people find interesting i know what they i think i know what they find funny but you know i've done

01:50:12.740 i've done a whole shitload of things yeah and i always will like may west said if i have a choice

01:50:21.320 between what is it two things i'll do the one i haven't done before right okay what's that line

01:50:27.640 she's got i don't know you want to look it up choice between good and evil i'll try the one i haven't

01:50:31.600 tried yeah okay but yeah any kind of opportunity that opens up to me i can't wait to do it even if it

01:50:39.460 sounds crazy and especially if it sounds crazy we haven't even talked about the book i've been

01:50:44.100 yelling at you to write i know between two evils yeah i always go for the one i haven't done before

01:50:50.600 yeah okay that's a great i think that is a great quote yeah i gotta write a book i know i talked to

01:50:55.540 you i know but you know i was so proud that i could write this six episode show that i just did

01:51:02.880 right because you know i had a beginning and middle and end but usually in my writing it's like

01:51:07.960 a beginning a middle don't finish it another beginning another middle don't ever finish the

01:51:16.580 completion thing i have a problem with but i did complete this yeah so i'm happy so you know and

01:51:23.460 the writing thing is a real turn the great michael malice did a cameo on me ma yes i got my sad card

01:51:28.920 did you good yeah i'm a monday michael fishman

01:51:32.460 except you can act uh you were great you were great it was so yeah i watched wasn't it fun it

01:51:40.520 was really kind of this i don't want to ruin this i'm not going to spoil the scene but i'm there with

01:51:45.400 you and i'm can i say your co-star yeah you and randy quaid and you know they call action and you guys

01:51:51.480 turn it on and it was so weird because this person who i've talked to a lot and spent friend and

01:51:56.880 friends with she became even though you're kind of playing yourself in a sense you became another

01:52:01.360 person like you're staring at him i'm like it's like i become invisible it's you lock in it was

01:52:06.160 like oh crap this is so it was jarring almost no it is weird yeah i think it's weird i never get used

01:52:11.940 to it watching someone yeah i did it but every time she acts it's still weird for me yeah it's like

01:52:16.620 who took over anyone acting right it's weird i've never i always thought it was the weirdest

01:52:21.380 it's a weird thing it's really weird it's the watched it's like being a kid that was what was

01:52:27.680 fun it's like being 12 in your room yeah you're playing and now it's time to pretend that's what i

01:52:32.920 was gonna tell jake i'm like talking to you half the time you're this font of wisdom you know you've

01:52:38.280 seen so much and but half the time it's like also talking like a five-year-old that if we turn

01:52:42.240 our backs you're gonna go knock over the juice and then the crayons on the wall like there's so

01:52:46.200 many aspects to you it's just fascinating yeah i'm i'm uh she doesn't like talking about herself

01:52:52.260 yeah it's so interesting but she does it's it's very where's that line that's what i'm asking about

01:52:57.580 that's what we're confused what line well because you'd love to talk about yourself and you think

01:53:01.580 you're your biggest fan but then when you ask you questions about your life you're like

01:53:04.480 you get uncomfortable where is it that you're comfortable talking um i think it's that a lot

01:53:09.960 there's just so much that went on

01:53:12.980 so i just i i myself i'm trying to put it together is it a trauma thing yeah there's bits and pieces

01:53:22.700 and i'm like oh yeah i did that too oh yeah i was that oh yeah i went there it they're not connected

01:53:28.980 i wonder if she thinks it's that what you find interesting she doesn't find interesting so that's

01:53:33.240 why you're getting not you personally but when people are like hey your life must be interesting

01:53:37.780 some stuff you don't find interesting it's like hey you kind of don't get me kind of fuck you kind

01:53:42.820 of is no i'm just like i'm just guessing i'm like what the fuck was i thinking oh okay like what was

01:53:48.640 i am fascinated but if you know any story why did i do that hold on no that's not true i'm calling bs

01:53:54.800 because any story anyone tells where the payoff is what was i thinking is a good story yeah by

01:54:00.500 definition it's like well this is a fun story we've all done it that's why it's got scared you just go

01:54:05.720 like this i remember when i was in college the freshman year and my stupid logic was

01:54:13.800 and you're gonna laugh before i even finish if mixing vodka with cranberry juice is good

01:54:19.520 mixing vodka with cranberry juice concentrate is better and it dehydrates you and it was the worst

01:54:26.640 hangover anyone's ever had ever and i didn't know what's happening why what was i thinking like that

01:54:31.960 is the story yeah more concentrated is better yeah yeah

01:54:36.920 all right do you want to talk uh

01:54:43.960 do you want to do your politics thing or we're good i kind of like this it's a nice change of pace

01:54:50.440 yeah but i know you think all week about stuff you want to say so oh my god the world but we'll save it

01:54:57.340 okay put it on hold all right no i'm fine you know i will see if he's right about what yeah

01:55:02.300 leave hey leave in the comments whether you want to hear more of roseanne telling stories about her

01:55:07.740 incredible life because he's always said for the people you know behind the scenes mouse has always

01:55:11.900 said like when you guys pocket should talk more about roseanne bar your career about my your life

01:55:17.820 less policy he's always said this to me and your lessons that you learned you have so much to teach

01:55:21.740 people yeah i have learned a lot of lessons i'm sure you've made every mistake lesson i've learned is that i

01:55:25.820 never learned my lesson exactly that's the bad one but uh you think i would have learned something

01:55:32.460 by now but no i have you have yeah yeah i have learned a lot of stuff thank god there's a lot of

01:55:40.300 stuff you went back to that girl and johnny carson you sat her down there's a lot you learned the hard

01:55:44.940 way yeah i wish i could say you know what there's an easy way to do things yeah and you're never gonna

01:55:53.100 pick it yeah you're like the opposite of bay west there's an easy way to hard way i'm gonna pick the

01:55:56.940 hard way yeah i guess i just wanted to keep i i couldn't learn the regular way like people you know

01:56:05.420 they learn by getting knocked down and getting back up i'm one of them the more i got knocked up and got

01:56:14.460 knocked down and got back up uh i couldn't wait to get knocked down again and get back up again

01:56:21.100 that's crazy i think it's awesome i i've had friends ask me about being friends with you

01:56:26.620 and the point i make is roseanne bar had to be you had to be roseanne bar imagine her at a board meeting

01:56:32.380 or like in any office like you can't do it like it was either sink or sink or float or perish 100 you

01:56:39.500 couldn't work in an office no no way you could not have been in a normal job

01:56:44.940 like to run a writer's room yeah right that's not a normal job it meant like working in some company

01:56:50.060 and you're hr or something now i never could hold a job i just got fired immediately yes that's my

01:56:55.980 point like you had to become roseanne bar or else you're gonna be homeless or living in a cave

01:57:01.180 yeah i i wasn't a good employee in any sense of the fucking word even when you were roseanne

01:57:07.260 i i couldn't wait all my life i couldn't wait to do what i wasn't supposed to do and get knocked down

01:57:14.220 suffer and build myself back up i it's just crazy couldn't wait to get in trouble couldn't wait to get

01:57:26.060 knocked down beat up rejected couldn't wait to get in line for more of it get knocked down

01:57:33.500 i i guess it's bipolar shit it could no it could be masochism i don't know what the fuck it is

01:57:41.740 but it's your process is what it is i guess it's a process but hopefully i'm over it god almighty

01:57:47.900 you're not over me be over you're not over it well i sometimes i tell jake i haven't pissed people

01:57:52.940 off for a while yeah i gotta do something you will i mean we have a kid smoking on the show you're

01:57:58.380 gonna get people pissed yeah there's all there's still you got a lot of fight left in you you're

01:58:04.060 you're spry you're a spry 72 73 i want to see it all burned down before i die yeah you like my punk

01:58:12.540 rock hair though i do i've noticed this is real me i am a punk rocker i am at heart yeah you are you

01:58:19.660 had that blondie shirt the other or um the other week on the podcast now it's like being a um

01:58:25.660 um a zionist american that's fucking punk rock it is now thousand fucking percent edgy yeah

01:58:37.500 you don't think so i don't think it's punk rock i don't know that i think it is i do i do think it

01:58:42.300 is now well you don't i think it's more punk rock when you're living among rubble

01:58:47.180 no yeah that's pretty punk rock that is pretty punk rock well and you don't have running water

01:58:51.500 like i don't know if that's punk rock that's really punk rock they were living in squats

01:58:56.060 huh they were living in squats they didn't have electricity and running water who punks

01:59:00.860 punk meant low life yeah but when we say punk rock now it's probably more like i mean it against the

01:59:08.220 norm right that's how you mean it that wasn't really it though that wasn't but that's what

01:59:11.980 okay so then we got to come up a new term when we say punk rock we mean like i mean like

01:59:17.020 shove it up your ass yeah that's standing yeah yeah it's like shove all your

01:59:21.180 fucking shit up right up your ass it means nothing and if it did mean anything that would

01:59:27.420 be good so i could say i don't want it yeah that okay i don't want none of it i love to see it all

01:59:34.140 burned down that's why i love trump he's burning all of it to ashes i don't know they're there i'm

01:59:40.860 what do you think about the midterms don't you think the democrats are gonna do great i do they're

01:59:44.860 gonna i've been warning i know they're gonna unleash their uh street gangs oh yeah time yeah

01:59:50.220 they're already starting their rights it's right season coming from democrats but rights have worked

01:59:54.620 for the republicans in the past yeah it was in 2014 it was huge republican uh biggest republican congress

02:00:00.460 since the 20s after the riots and most that um after uh michael brown so yeah mike brown was uh

02:00:07.740 was that ferguson ferguson yes thank you but uh hands up don't shoot and that turned out that never

02:00:13.100 happened right just the lie such fucking yeah it is people of the lie it's all it's all like

02:00:18.460 every major sound like jesse children of the lie that's what he calls them jesse lee peterson yeah

02:00:23.180 we gotta have him back yeah i love him he's the fucking greatest he's the greatest he called the alpha

02:00:27.980 that's cool he's one of the greatest things ever yeah that is a great thing we loved him he's he's

02:00:34.700 just a thinker like nobody else i love how he cuts through all their bullshit i think she's yeah yeah

02:00:40.780 he's a good guy i like him are we wrapping up with the kids here i just heard the kids are home um

02:00:49.820 yeah i guess we should wrap up yeah yeah we're at two hours uh-oh

02:00:56.540 uh-oh um you could crop the part where she says this isn't interesting no i mean that's the title of

02:01:04.140 the show uh let's wrap it up i i'm interested i'm i like that trump is really taking it to the mat where

02:01:13.340 it counts that's what i just am thrilled about taking it to the mat taking it to i think people

02:01:22.300 underestimate what he's up against because if he pushes too hard it would be very easy in my opinion

02:01:28.300 and probably yours and jake's to find 17 republicans to be more than happy to vote to remove from office

02:01:34.860 in the senate at a certain point they're like f this guy yeah i don't need him oh i think they're

02:01:40.460 all probably getting close to that too exactly that's what i'm saying but i think he's got he

02:01:45.660 hadn't played the trump card yet which is what it's coming i believe you what is it you can't say

02:01:51.660 no it's he said we're gonna find out within 10 days about seven days ago yeah so i don't want

02:01:59.180 people always underestimate him we all do yeah like he's so much more i don't think he's particularly

02:02:04.460 brilliant in a book sense but he's so savvy and strategic yeah like you don't see it coming

02:02:09.900 he's strategic like nobody's business it's confusing because he doesn't come off that way

02:02:13.660 in how he talks which is part of the third thing yes that's what i was going to say about me that

02:02:18.380 that i'm that personality too i'm the third thing you know everybody's real dualistic thinker either

02:02:27.340 or well i'm either a republican or a democrat but there's a third thing and he's the third yeah he's

02:02:34.140 not and i'm the third thing too and there's people like me yeah a lot of us all a lot of

02:02:39.580 us more and more every day hey neither of that works we got to go a different way we have to blast

02:02:46.860 it all needs to go it's all gotta burn there's anarchy there's anarchy yeah all right

02:02:54.140 that that referred to anarchy inside yeah and how you make peace with it but it's also the world how

02:03:02.460 we're going to make peace with all this disparate hate but we'll do it yeah we'll figure it out

02:03:09.900 you are so fun to talk to and uh great guests thank you for coming again

02:03:15.980 i am and we love you i love you and that gift was incredible thank you for the gift i i'm so proud

02:03:21.820 we kept it secret for this long i'm i'm very impressed with hannah not to make this about me

02:03:27.580 but she tells me every she calls me in the car before she leaves we talked 24 7 yeah and she didn't

02:03:32.780 tell me she never told me did you try no i probably could have got it out of her right but aren't you

02:03:39.660 glad you didn't try yeah i hate surprises but now i kind of get why people like christmas and

02:03:44.780 shit because it was really i wish you could do a close-up of it i should i'm gonna take it to the

02:03:49.580 camera yeah watch this here i'll get on the thing i'm gonna take it to this camera if i can get out

02:04:00.940 look at that

02:04:05.500 that's your spot she found her mark you know she knows how to do that

02:04:09.900 oh you see my patience is growing

02:04:23.740 with the synthetic world

02:04:28.700 we're living in

The Roseanne Barr Podcast - February 27, 2026

Roseanne's Villain Origin Story W⧸ Michael Malice ｜ The Roseanne Barr Podcast #126

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