The Roseanne Barr Podcast - We were Rock Stars with Allan Stephan ｜ The Roseanne Barr Podcast #072

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00:01:52.760 Mom, how are you feeling, by the way, in L.A.? Well, I'm getting better. My voice is getting

00:01:57.700 better too. Let's get right into it. So it's election season's driving us all absolutely

00:02:02.980 batshit crazy. This is our last episode before the election and we were going to do a big old

00:02:10.000 election thing. But, you know, we decided we just needed a break. And this is an episode we filmed

00:02:14.640 a few months ago with your dear friend, Alan Steven, your friend of 44 years or something

00:02:19.140 like that. He was a producer on Roseanne, stand-up with Sam Kinison, great old Hollywood stories.

00:02:25.280 And we invited him. We filmed this a long, long time ago. And we've been holding onto it because

00:02:29.380 the world got so crazy. We never got to do it. So we decided to give America and our followers just

00:02:33.980 a break from the madness. It's going to get crazy in November, December, and January. So just sit back

00:02:38.840 and listen. There's some intel about the Roseanne show. There's a John Goodman cocaine story in here

00:02:44.220 that I think your fans are going to love. The second hour of the show is phenomenal. Like I said,

00:02:50.560 I've already edited it. That's where you get the Roseanne insights and stories. You guys get a little

00:02:56.740 bit more into what happened backstage with the politics. And it's just, it's for Roseanne fans,

00:03:02.040 this is going to be, this can be a really good one for you. So I hope you enjoy it.

00:03:05.240 Well, I just want to say Alan is my oldest friend and he's my writing partner. And we just finished

00:03:13.160 writing a whole new thing for me and everybody's liking it. So maybe I'll, maybe I will be coming

00:03:20.740 back to TV. I don't know. We'll see how I feel, but everybody likes the show. So anyway, here's the

00:03:27.660 new beginnings. This is, you know, new beginnings and don't, don't let anybody stop you from getting

00:03:35.180 out there and voting for Trump. That's right. Bring 10 of your friends, vote early. This has

00:03:41.980 got to be too big to rig. We're, we're seeing good positive signs, but never let up. You got to vote.

00:03:47.380 We don't know what they're going to do, but we know that they're going to try everything they can

00:03:51.660 because they don't want, uh, they don't want the constitution of the Republic of the United States

00:03:57.000 of America. And that's what we're fighting for. So that's, I'm sorry. That's absolutely right. So

00:04:03.140 the next time you see us, uh, we will have an update on the election as will the whole world,

00:04:07.900 but for now to sit back, enjoy and listen to a couple old Hollywood people, old as in old friends,

00:04:14.020 not old people, uh, in Hollywood, that too. But before we go, ma, since the election is coming,

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00:04:43.040 So tell the people. I call it Trump for all 50 States. Trump for all 50. How much money are you

00:04:49.480 going to put on that? Um, 10 K. All right. There it is. We'll, we'll follow up on that too,

00:04:56.040 but tell the people a little bit more cause they might want to get involved too. Okay. I'm excited

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00:05:52.620 Well, that's pretty exciting. All right. Well, let's play some bets people and let's see what,

00:05:56.720 what happens and go Trump. Hopefully we pull this one off. Hopefully it's too big to rig

00:06:00.800 and enjoy the episode. You might want to do that. Hopefully God wins. Hopefully God wins.

00:06:06.600 Greetings, earthlings and human beings and any animals, uh, who are intelligent, of course,

00:06:12.580 and attracted to the sound of my melodious voice. People are sending me videos of their animals

00:06:18.120 sleeping soundly because they finally heard an intelligent human. So keep sending those to me.

00:06:24.500 I put them up on my Instagram. Welcome to the Roseanne Barr podcast.

00:06:28.880 Well, today's show is going to be a b-b-b-b-b-b-b-banger, a real banger. I have, um, my oldest friend

00:06:45.020 in the whole world on as my guest. He's a fellow comic. Uh, we met in 1982 in Denver,

00:06:53.080 Alan Steven. Hi, Alan. Hello. Thanks for being here. Hey, thank you. So let's go back to that

00:07:01.260 fateful night. As I informed you, Alan, of course, this whole interview is just about me.

00:07:06.860 That night in 82? Yeah. Or what? Tell about, because you changed my life. You're kidding.

00:07:13.720 Why would I be kidding? I just thought you were funny. Well, I mean, I couldn't get on. They

00:07:20.380 wouldn't put me on. Well, here's what happened in those days. No woman was funny. I think we had 1.00

00:07:25.820 two in LA, maybe. Boosler, Sandra hadn't even shown up yet, Bernard. And every now and then there

00:07:33.360 was twins that used to sing sisters. Sister, terrible. And that was it. So audiences, especially

00:07:41.420 the men, weren't used to seeing a woman tell jokes. You know, they had Phyllis Diller. That's, 1.00

00:07:45.880 that's all they had to go by. Yeah. And that's it. And that's, they're mostly followed by women. 1.00

00:07:53.800 So I would go in early and it was a Monday night. You know, I could drink for free.

00:07:57.840 So I went there and I'm sitting. And I remember you had like a muumuu thing on and you, you

00:08:04.200 walked out and it, but the walk to the mic had attitude. And it was all the jokes, you

00:08:11.020 know, the husband and the cheese things in the couch. And I thought it was funny. And

00:08:15.720 then at the end, you just looked him right in the face. Well, some people say I'm not

00:08:20.900 feminine. Well, they can suck my dick. Yeah. And you walked off stage and I went over to 1.00

00:08:26.620 the guy and I go, Hey, can she work here with me this week? Because you were in town 0.92

00:08:31.600 headlining. Yeah. You were one of the gods of comedy to us young comics in Denver. You

00:08:37.380 had a full hour. We all had 10 minutes. Well, I had 10. I would stretch to a full hour. You

00:08:44.760 know, I like to talk to them. So nobody was doing it then. You know, they hold classes for

00:08:49.880 it now. When I did it, the TV people would go, What is it you do? Back to me. Yes.

00:08:56.620 Well, you did come work. And then I think we did a few gigs on the road. Well, then

00:09:01.000 you tell them you got to put that girl on. She's funny. I not only told him that, but

00:09:06.160 when he said no, I go, All right, well, I got to go home. He said, What? I said, I'm

00:09:12.020 going home. And in those days, they, you know, they couldn't just pick up the phone. Well,

00:09:16.340 okay, you know. Is that true? I never heard this. And reluctantly would never give it to

00:09:22.000 me. You know what I mean? Then I found you funny. But thank God, they don't mean anything.

00:09:28.880 You know what I mean? Yeah. As time passes, right? Well, and also, I think sometimes when

00:09:34.200 you get people like that, it just makes you better. It kind of does because you have to

00:09:39.280 rise to the challenge and show on, right? Isn't that a big part of comedy? That's exactly what

00:09:44.780 it is. Is it 40 years that you've been doing stand-up? Over. How long? Oh, 43. Good Lord.

00:09:52.540 Did you think you'd live this long? Well, I never thought I'd be funny. And I had a real crisis

00:09:57.280 at 30. I had no plan after that. And that's when the clubs opened and I started to make

00:10:03.540 money. And I, I wonder what the next step is. I didn't want to do Carson, which turned

00:10:09.780 your life around. Because I remember you took me on the road for Gregory Hines, which is a

00:10:16.060 lot of fun, and Atlantic City, and then Julio Iglesias. Yeah. Yeah. So, and that was like

00:10:23.300 right after the Tonight Show, I mean, that's the impact you made. And in those days, if

00:10:28.220 you made that impact, the phone never stopped ringing the next day. And if Carson liked you,

00:10:33.520 which he did, it's double that. All right, Mom. Well, like we said, the world is on edge

00:10:40.700 now. This election season's coming. And we call it election season now because it lasts three

00:10:44.360 months and there's multiple riots. Well, it lasts four years. Yeah. As soon as we have one, we

00:10:49.060 start fighting for the next one. That's true. We're the only country where that happens.

00:10:54.060 No, it's, it's a, it's a full industry in itself, if you really think about it. And it's just,

00:10:58.600 it's going to be so much upheaval, no matter who wins, it's going to be dangerous. And,

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00:12:23.300 control of your health, especially your mental health. So you don't have to worry. How come you

00:12:29.600 didn't want to do Carson? I always wanted to be just a lounge act in Vegas. You know, I saw

00:12:34.900 Rickles before he was famous. And those lounge acts, it was Louis Prima. I mean, great acts.

00:12:40.660 Yeah, they were great acts. And I thought, what a great gig. Five nights a week, you sit here,

00:12:44.580 go on three times and go home. Nobody knows you across the border. I loved it. And that's all I

00:12:50.740 dreamed of doing. I don't think comedy translates in five minutes on a talk show. I just don't.

00:12:57.200 I know some people, it's their six minute where they're really funny. Right. And they make

00:13:03.400 you, they always have a guy that tells you what you have to say. Right. That's true.

00:13:09.080 And they're not funny either. No, never. You know what I mean? And they're scared because

00:13:14.340 they don't want to upset whoever the host is. You know, we know what he likes and they get

00:13:19.680 the most milk toast nonsense. So when somebody would come out with any kind of balls and 0.95

00:13:25.400 funny, boom. Like I just watched Eddie Murphy's first appearance. Not that funny, but he's 0.54

00:13:32.400 killing. You know, it was the times and he had Saturday Night Live and he was charming.

00:13:38.980 Well, he saved Saturday Night Live. It was about ready to go down the drain, right?

00:13:44.360 Right. Every one of his characters. James Brown. That was the one. That was so great.

00:13:51.860 With the hot dog. Yeah. So great. Buckwheat. He had a lot of good characters. Buckwheat was

00:13:57.700 great. Yeah. Mr. Roger, what was it? Robinson's. Mr. Robinson's neighborhood. Yeah. That was

00:14:03.820 the best. Wasn't that great? The landlord. That's when the show was funny. I mean, they have

00:14:10.140 like somebody that'll stand out every year, every other year. But for the most part, I

00:14:17.300 would like to know what Lauren Michaels has on NBC. Well. He must have some pictures hidden

00:14:23.060 away somewhere. Right. They just think, you know, do it again and we'll see in it. What's

00:14:27.440 he, 50, 51 years? Well, it's at 1130 at night on Saturday. Like what, what kind of rating

00:14:31.800 does he even have to work? Well, originally, all he had to do is beat the movie they put on

00:14:36.480 at 1130 back then. And on a bad day, he does that. Right. So it's kind of. That's

00:14:42.560 what it is. And I think he has a lot of power now. It's like the Carson show brought in a

00:14:47.160 lot of money. I think Saturday Night Live does for them. Well, he made a lot of money

00:14:52.380 in the movies. I don't know if he ever made money. Yeah, he did. He made it. That's where

00:14:54.760 his power is. And then NBC went into promoting movies. That's why they put Friends on Thursday

00:14:59.940 because Thursday was the night where they did all the movie, uh, what do you call it? Ads.

00:15:06.140 Yep. Yep. Isn't it just one great big hustle, the olive show business? 0.91

00:15:12.520 Sorry. Yes. And I miss like the old agents and managers that knew that and handled it that

00:15:18.160 way. And, and, you know, now when I used to pitch something, they say, okay, write it up.

00:15:25.700 They'd pay you. Make this change. They'd pay you. Now it's all free. They want everything. The art,

00:15:32.940 the characters, the script. Yeah. And I go, and I always complain. I go, I'm not doing all that.

00:15:40.360 They have the script. You either like it or you don't. That's how things have changed.

00:15:44.180 Aren't they just a bunch of fucking thieves, Alan? They can't get an idea between them. 1.00

00:15:49.480 There are a bunch of people that are afraid to make a decision without somebody else saying yes.

00:15:53.960 You ever notice when you go in, there's always an assistant. And when you leave, they have an

00:15:59.400 opinion. So they're all. Yeah, they're probably the one with the real power to greenlight.

00:16:04.940 But the old cigar chompers, I'll fuck you up. You're going to book them. You know what I mean? 1.00

00:16:10.320 I miss those guys. I caught the tail end of that with, uh, APA.

00:16:15.300 Oh God, I remember APA. Well, when was the first time you went on stage as a comic?

00:16:22.100 How old were you? The very first time?

00:16:26.520 20. 20. Yeah, 20.

00:16:30.220 And I was working. No, I was 21.

00:16:32.440 I was dating a girl that worked in a steak and brew. And it was two steak rooms and a lounge. And she was in the lounge. And I'd go in there, have a couple cocktails. And the band was a guy who played keyboards. And his sister was the drummer. And I'd sit in on the drums. And one night I took the mic. And it's boys from South Philly would come over with the white shoes and the white belt.

00:16:57.440 And I'd sit in there and go, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like what my act eventually became. And the owner said, hey, it's your room, Fridays and Saturdays. I'll pay you. Do whatever you want.

00:17:08.800 Wow. 0.99

00:17:09.260 And I'd go on stage and heckle the hell out of these guys. It was so much fun. And here's the mistake. They're having New Year's. The band Wild Cherry, I think it was playing another funky song, White Boy. Why don't you open for them, Alan?

00:17:22.720 Well, now I panic. And I take two jokes from Woody, two jokes from somebody else. I have a sandwich in my pocket to eat, a banana to peel. I'm so lost.

00:17:32.740 And it's about 200 people. And the table closest to me is my mother, my father, and their friends. It is completely silent. I am there with a guy I knew since second grade. And all you hear is my dad's laughter.

00:17:48.000 The show ends and I'm in the parking lot. My friend Jay says something and I puke everywhere. And I get home and I say to my father, what is wrong with you? Why would you do that to me? Because, Alan, you don't know how funny it is when somebody doesn't know how shitty they are.

00:18:06.620 What a dad. I love that guy. He goes, you didn't feel their anger? 0.96

00:18:17.460 And I swore I'd never do it again. And everybody in my family is a joke teller. I can't even remember jokes.

00:18:23.520 So, I go to California and meet Mitchell and a guy named Robert Lord, who I think lost his mind.

00:18:30.380 And I had all this crazy energy. Like, they'd go to a market and open the freezer and I'd be sitting there and hand them the peas.

00:18:37.780 And they just, they kept laughing. They said, you ought to come to the store.

00:18:41.480 Well, they needed bodies back then.

00:18:43.160 So, I went on and I did the midnight special news where I was Wolfman Jack and Tina Turner with a wig.

00:18:54.720 It was, I can't believe how bad it was.

00:18:59.460 And somebody says, yeah, you're a regular.

00:19:02.280 I go, regular what?

00:19:03.860 And you didn't get paid then, but it became your life.

00:19:06.760 We were there seven nights a week and we were inseparable, which was Ollie, Mike Binder, the original Argus, and a couple other guys.

00:19:21.100 But we were always together, 24-7. Then Robin came, it was the same.

00:19:26.120 I had the key to the big comedy store.

00:19:29.320 One time, it's got to be 81 or 80 because I have this black Jeep.

00:19:34.500 When you say Robin, you're saying Robin Williams, for people who don't know.

00:19:37.640 Oh, yeah, Robin Williams, the mork. He hadn't morked yet.

00:19:40.480 Yeah, gotcha.

00:19:41.500 Morked.

00:19:42.080 So, we went to the comedy store to get more beer.

00:19:45.700 Like, 2.30 in the morning, I had the key and we're loading it into the Jeep and the hood's on.

00:19:50.800 And there's too many people in my Jeep and cases of beer.

00:19:55.260 And I don't get two feet off the curb and the police lights go on.

00:19:59.840 And he comes over and he goes, you know, you're parked in the red.

00:20:04.500 How many people you got in that car?

00:20:07.640 Nanu, Nanu.

00:20:10.180 Is Robin in there?

00:20:11.640 Yes, sir, he is.

00:20:12.760 You think I can get an autograph?

00:20:14.580 I go, am I getting a ticket?

00:20:16.220 Oh, hell no.

00:20:17.560 And he gets a paper.

00:20:18.620 Robin signs it.

00:20:19.720 And he goes like this.

00:20:21.380 I'll be off for 20 minutes.

00:20:23.340 And he escorted us to Benedict Canyol, where I live.

00:20:26.240 Wow. 0.99

00:20:26.580 And we're shit-faced. 0.99

00:20:30.960 But when comedy hit in those days, everybody wanted to touch you. 0.99

00:20:35.900 I just can't explain it.

00:20:37.640 It was like magic, wasn't it?

00:20:39.400 It was the rock and roll.

00:20:41.320 It really was.

00:20:42.720 We were rock stars.

00:20:44.140 You'd come off stage and they'd just want to touch you or they'd put a joint in your pocket, drugs in another.

00:20:49.240 It was unpacked seven nights a week.

00:20:52.580 This is at the store?

00:20:53.540 Well, all clubs were once it caught on.

00:20:57.780 Yeah.

00:20:58.260 Like when I saw your mom, they had become a comedy club.

00:21:01.840 Right.

00:21:02.060 Before that, they were a jazz club across the street, basins up.

00:21:05.860 Oh, really?

00:21:06.240 And I was the second comic in.

00:21:08.320 And I finished the show.

00:21:10.300 I have one joke left that I don't want to do that's a terrible Wizard of Oz thing.

00:21:14.500 And I'm in the dressing room.

00:21:15.960 They go, they're going to love you next show.

00:21:17.760 They go, how many tickets did we sell?

00:21:19.320 He goes, what do you mean?

00:21:21.020 I go, for the next show.

00:21:22.360 But tickets, we don't turn the room over because it was so new.

00:21:28.200 So I have to go do another 45 with one joke.

00:21:32.660 And this is why not nickels, the other owner, hated me. 0.72

00:21:35.800 I did an hour.

00:21:37.460 And when I came off, he goes, you're just making it up.

00:21:39.600 Like, they seem to enjoy it.

00:21:43.300 Do you like crowd work the best of all?

00:21:46.840 I get bored.

00:21:49.380 And how I write is, if I like it, I keep it.

00:21:52.400 And I don't keep files.

00:21:55.300 So sometimes I go, oh.

00:21:57.200 I saw a guy, a new guy, do a thing about, you know, when you go to San Diego, and the sign is, instead of animals, it's Mexicans.

00:22:06.600 You know, watch them crossing the highway.

00:22:10.000 Well, I had a whole routine when I used to work at La Jolla.

00:22:12.580 And recently I saw a guy, and I was pretty close to it.

00:22:16.520 And I went, all right, well, he saw the sign, too.

00:22:19.960 But in those days, when I went to La Jolla, I had a middle and take care of Pauly Shore.

00:22:27.440 That was the exchange.

00:22:28.820 You had to babysit Pauly?

00:22:30.500 He lived with me.

00:22:31.580 I lived in her condo with him.

00:22:33.720 How old was he when?

00:22:34.860 Twelve.

00:22:35.440 Oh, God.

00:22:36.260 Mitzi Shore's son.

00:22:37.400 I know, yeah, they know Pauly Shore's son.

00:22:39.100 Was he like that at twelve?

00:22:41.020 It was not quite there yet.

00:22:44.060 But a year later, I remember we were having dinner, and he got up and said to his mom, I got a harsh out of here.

00:22:50.080 I got a donut.

00:22:52.320 And she just stared at him.

00:22:53.700 I go, he's in a rush.

00:22:55.120 He's meeting a girl.

00:22:56.880 He goes, how do you know?

00:22:57.900 I go, I've lived with him.

00:23:01.040 And he would surf, and there was sand everywhere, and I'm going to bring people home.

00:23:06.500 So I took all the sandy clothes and put it in his bed.

00:23:10.020 He got in there at night, and he was screaming.

00:23:12.080 He comes out cursing at me, and I go, you have mistaken me for a butler.

00:23:18.120 I said, this place, I don't care what your room looks like, but this place is good.

00:23:21.600 You know, he's never had discipline.

00:23:23.220 You lived with Mitzi and him, just the three of you?

00:23:25.420 No, Mitzi sent me down to San Diego.

00:23:27.900 She made him take Pauly.

00:23:29.200 Permanently.

00:23:30.080 I hope you hear it.

00:23:30.800 See, get into the story a little bit more.

00:23:32.400 Yeah, nobody's played San Diego longer than I have.

00:23:35.060 The deal was, you go down there in middle, and I really didn't know what I was about quite yet,

00:23:41.020 but you're taking Pauly.

00:23:44.640 As soon as we get down there, I'm in a Jeep with no cover, and I go in, and Pauly goes to the beach and comes back and goes,

00:23:51.540 hey, where's my luggage?

00:23:54.040 I go, well, if you're lucky, it's still in the Jeep.

00:23:56.120 Then he had Ryan O'Neal's son over Griffin, you know, another spoiled kid.

00:24:07.320 Griffin has two dogs on the couch.

00:24:09.260 I go, let's keep the dogs on the carpet. 1.00

00:24:13.980 Fuck you. 1.00

00:24:14.960 I go, what did you say to me, kid? 1.00

00:24:16.740 He goes, fuck you. 1.00

00:24:17.440 I go, I'll knock you the fuck out of you. 1.00

00:24:18.720 My dad will kick your ass. 1.00

00:24:21.100 I go, Ryan O'Neal? 1.00

00:24:22.680 He goes, yeah, I go, he's three hours from here. 1.00

00:24:24.760 Get the fucking dogs on the floor. 1.00

00:24:27.180 From that point, Griffin, he wouldn't leave me alone. 1.00

00:24:30.940 No discipline, these kids.

00:24:33.000 When they got it, they loved you.

00:24:35.540 Now, Pauly decides to be funny, and I'm talking to two girls at two in the morning on a Saturday night,

00:24:43.100 going fairly well, and he comes down the aisle rubbing this.

00:24:48.000 Dad, when can we go home? 0.99

00:24:52.140 Those two girls went, you're a horrible person. 1.00

00:24:56.020 That's your kid, and they're gone. 0.93

00:24:59.620 So the whole ride home, he goes, are you angry?

00:25:02.960 I go, yeah. 0.99

00:25:04.340 You'll know what you did years from now, but damn, you're funny. 0.98

00:25:08.640 And he started to do little things to make me laugh, and I could see he was going to be funny. 0.99

00:25:13.900 And, you know, George Miller called her up and goes, I don't want to follow Allen.

00:25:21.860 Then the next headliner, and then I headlined down there for four months, and KGB, the number one station,

00:25:29.400 I replaced their morning team when they went on vacation.

00:25:32.440 They'd wait in line and bring me gifts, and nobody recognizes me ever.

00:25:37.360 And they're in line to see me, so I'd go out the back door, stand three quarters in that line, 0.99

00:25:42.380 and I'd go, who is this fucking guy? 1.00

00:25:46.660 And I'd go up to the ticket lady and go, fuck, you know, is this a line? 1.00

00:25:51.060 Is it going to move? 0.99

00:25:52.700 Until the people would start going, why don't you just get out of here?

00:25:55.320 And I'd go back, and I would have to wait ten minutes for that laugh to die down.

00:26:01.220 Because they have to sit through two acts.

00:26:03.280 They introduce me, and I come up, and I'm like, wait a minute.

00:26:07.420 That's a good bit.

00:26:09.080 Well, so, okay, so, okay.

00:26:13.620 Now, you come to the Comedy Store not in 82.

00:26:16.700 No, in 85.

00:26:18.220 After you went out with Louie, because Louie fell in love with you, Louie Anderson.

00:26:23.640 Yeah.

00:26:24.240 And he was the other big actor at the time.

00:26:27.500 Yeah, in Denver.

00:26:28.940 And he came to my rescue, too.

00:26:33.000 Well, he was like me.

00:26:34.380 I remember him going, did you see that?

00:26:36.420 I go, yes, I did.

00:26:38.060 And, you know, he knows funny.

00:26:39.440 He really does funny.

00:26:41.180 And then I think, oh, God, you came out with the kids first, right?

00:26:46.380 Yeah, I came out with the kids, and she made us go live at La Jolla in the condo.

00:26:54.000 When did you live in an apartment?

00:26:56.420 Well, I lived in the apartment when I first moved out there and brought my kids.

00:26:59.840 Do you remember Jess wrote something on the guys?

00:27:05.100 No, Jake's the one that wrote it on the gay guys.

00:27:07.480 That was me.

00:27:07.980 And I went like this, I'll take care of this.

00:27:11.040 And I go over there, and there's a screen, and I'm talking.

00:27:14.840 He ripped that door.

00:27:16.440 You ever, my kid again.

00:27:18.920 And I'm standing there, and I go, yeah.

00:27:21.480 For people who don't know what happened, I had spray painted high in the parking garage.

00:27:25.340 Yeah, harmless kid crying.

00:27:26.680 And I went into the thing, and this old man walked up to me. 1.00

00:27:29.140 He's a stupid kid and smacked me in the back of the head. 1.00

00:27:31.660 And I went and told him. 1.00

00:27:32.120 Oh, that's what infuriated me.

00:27:33.600 Yeah, so you guys.

00:27:34.160 Well, I'm standing in the door trying to come out.

00:27:34.960 Did you guys beat up the old man?

00:27:36.040 Your mother went right at him.

00:27:38.300 I pull over, open his screen door. 1.00

00:27:40.560 I go, if you ever lay your hands on my kid again, I think I said I'll kill you. 1.00

00:27:45.620 Absolutely. 1.00

00:27:46.560 See, I never knew this happened.

00:27:49.060 Oh, you did?

00:27:49.740 No.

00:27:51.040 I knew that I got hit in the head, and I told you.

00:27:52.920 Well, the funny for me is, you know, I'm going to be the man.

00:27:55.960 Yeah.

00:27:56.160 I'm at the screen door, and let me turn it out of my way.

00:27:59.700 Yeah, I know.

00:28:00.040 Mom, I remember when I was a kid, the neighbor beat us up.

00:28:04.300 Jimmy, remember?

00:28:05.180 He beat up Jessica with a baton and swung me around. 0.93

00:28:07.360 He hit you in the head with those. 0.68

00:28:08.320 He grabbed my hoodie and swung me around. 0.98

00:28:09.720 He was inbred.

00:28:10.420 I remember, just real quick, one time I was talking to him.

00:28:12.960 I was trying to be nice because I was so scared of him.

00:28:14.620 You know, you're trying to, like, be friends with the bully.

00:28:16.340 And he was just chewing on it.

00:28:17.480 And I was like, do you have more gum?

00:28:18.600 He's like, no, that's my mom's toenail.

00:28:20.600 Fell off of the public pool.

00:28:22.560 So that was Jimmy.

00:28:24.240 Oh, God.

00:28:24.340 That was him.

00:28:24.920 So anyway, he beat me and Jessica up.

00:28:27.320 And I remember mom went out and confronted them.

00:28:29.640 We had, like, a family feud standoff.

00:28:31.560 I do remember this.

00:28:32.280 I was probably, like, five.

00:28:33.780 It was me, Jenny, and Jess, and mom.

00:28:35.260 And then his mom, and him and his sister, I think.

00:28:38.380 And they called mom fat. 0.96

00:28:40.200 Like, what are you going to do about fatty or something? 0.97

00:28:42.140 And she goes, I'm going to sit on you and squash you like a potato chip. 1.00

00:28:45.300 I said, I'm going to snap your spine in half like a fucking pig. 1.00

00:28:48.560 Potato chip, that's what I'm going to do. 1.00

00:28:50.460 And we laughed.

00:28:51.260 And they walked.

00:28:52.280 They took their head down and went inside because she got the bigger laugh. 0.98

00:28:55.280 It was a big life lesson, actually.

00:28:56.960 It was cool.

00:28:57.580 I just remember that.

00:28:58.200 It was like, hell no, you're not going to.

00:28:59.160 It was very funny. 0.98

00:29:00.400 Yeah, mom's butch. 1.00

00:29:01.620 Right by me. 0.85

00:29:02.320 I'm so butch when it comes to my kids or anything.

00:29:05.520 Didn't we stay in a hotel when we traveled that had a goofy theme?

00:29:09.200 Was it a chuck wagon hotel?

00:29:11.520 You know the one I mean?

00:29:12.600 I think it was in Colorado.

00:29:14.680 It had a theme.

00:29:15.680 It was an old place, but it was a western theme, maybe.

00:29:19.800 I can't remember.

00:29:21.020 Where were we going?

00:29:22.300 We were in another place in Colorado.

00:29:24.960 And that's where they put us up.

00:29:26.580 And it just came to me.

00:29:28.320 What did we do when we were there?

00:29:30.680 We did a show somewhere.

00:29:32.260 A couple shows somewhere.

00:29:33.440 No, I don't remember.

00:29:34.540 That must have been Aspen.

00:29:37.340 Was it when we went up to Aspen?

00:29:39.020 What a strange place.

00:29:41.360 Or we went.

00:29:42.040 We also went to.

00:29:44.040 You ever worked Vail?

00:29:45.600 Yeah, Vail.

00:29:46.340 We went there.

00:29:47.000 The room was at the end of the runway.

00:29:50.180 And it was all glass.

00:29:51.920 And the plane would come right up to here.

00:29:55.120 But you don't know that.

00:29:56.300 So you're doing.

00:29:56.720 And then, when it did move, there was this gorgeous mansion on the mountain.

00:30:04.280 And I went, who's that belong to?

00:30:05.980 I went, Webster. 1.00

00:30:07.420 Like a one fucking book. 0.99

00:30:13.260 Can I ask a question? 0.99

00:30:14.680 Because just for your career is kind of fascinating to me.

00:30:18.820 I know you did.

00:30:20.000 Was it The Outlaws it was called, right?

00:30:22.000 Well, actually, my mom was a model. 0.99

00:30:24.300 Right.

00:30:24.660 And at eight, she said, would you like to model?

00:30:27.520 Because I had that it look.

00:30:28.840 Don't go by now.

00:30:29.840 Yeah.

00:30:30.320 I'm surprised to hear this.

00:30:31.820 We did Sears catalogs and runways.

00:30:34.440 Because I can still feel the pins.

00:30:37.140 Because if it didn't fit you, they pinned it till it did.

00:30:40.020 Oh, my God.

00:30:40.580 It would make no difference if you bled. 0.62

00:30:43.120 And you'd walk.

00:30:44.440 Smile.

00:30:47.360 Okay.

00:30:47.800 So we got a new sponsor.

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00:32:41.340 And then at around 10 or 11, my mother said, want to do TV commercials?

00:32:46.280 Does it get me out of school?

00:32:49.060 So she taught me to take the bus to New York, and I briefly had an old lady manager named Florence Creasy. 1.00

00:32:56.460 How old were you?

00:32:58.940 10, 11.

00:32:59.780 And she'd meet me, you know, at the bus. 0.99

00:33:02.900 Then at lunch, proceed to get shit-faced. 0.99

00:33:06.080 And cross me against lights. 0.99

00:33:08.520 And I'd go, could I have a Coke?

00:33:09.920 No.

00:33:10.220 You will have milk and a burger.

00:33:11.760 Nothing else.

00:33:13.240 I'll have a martini.

00:33:16.080 I'll slam five of those.

00:33:18.020 It's New York. 0.87

00:33:19.220 Crossing with red lights. 0.99

00:33:20.940 She didn't give a shit. 0.99

00:33:21.720 And then I went with an agency, Anne Wright, that was pretty good. 0.99

00:33:26.900 And from there, I went with the original Wilhelmina.

00:33:30.700 But I did three commercials that never aired.

00:33:36.400 Maybe one did.

00:33:38.120 I did Aniston, and I was, that was the first one.

00:33:41.740 And you know who my mother is.

00:33:43.480 She's a little out of her mind.

00:33:45.180 I couldn't find her.

00:33:46.400 She found a pay phone that every time you put a dime in, 30 would come out.

00:33:50.940 And she's working that pay phone like a one-armed bandit. 1.00

00:33:54.380 You know?

00:33:54.980 So I go, Mom, what do you think?

00:33:56.160 I had a phone.

00:33:58.040 But they had vibrating beds.

00:34:00.860 And then it stopped, because they wanted me to be normal, and I went to school.

00:34:04.980 Yeah.

00:34:05.200 And then Walt Disney was doing a movie called The One and Only Original Family Band.

00:34:11.120 And they wanted kids that could sing, dance, and play instruments.

00:34:14.500 And I got somehow past his, and he was coming to, you know this story?

00:34:19.040 Yeah, that's my favorite Alan story.

00:34:21.180 He was coming to New York so I could meet him.

00:34:24.120 Walt?

00:34:24.800 Yes.

00:34:25.300 Wow.

00:34:25.880 So the vibrating bed, I'm all excited, and I'm sitting there with my mom.

00:34:29.740 And then my mom, somebody whispers to her, and she goes, Mr. Disney's delayed.

00:34:38.120 You're going to meet, is this right-hand person?

00:34:42.300 And to me, you know, you're a kid, the desk seemed like it was gigantic.

00:34:47.140 And I went in and went right across her desk with drumsticks, saying what a day for a daydream,

00:34:52.360 and did some tap, and she just started crying her ass off. 1.00

00:34:57.180 Didn't dismiss me.

00:34:58.120 Finally, she went. 1.00

00:34:59.740 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:35:02.980 There's bed, and then there's... 1.00

00:35:04.360 And I went out, and I go, Mom, I made her cry.

00:35:08.620 She goes, get in the elevator. 1.00

00:35:10.180 Mr. Disney died.

00:35:12.000 Oh, jeez.

00:35:13.500 He had kept his cancer secret.

00:35:15.360 Oh, my God.

00:35:16.360 But that's how my mom delivers stuff. 0.99

00:35:18.240 Get in the elevator.

00:35:19.140 Disney died.

00:35:21.480 You know, your hopes and dreams are going down as the floors go.

00:35:24.980 Oh, that's awful.

00:35:29.740 And my dad would do this, because I'd always say, quit your job.

00:35:33.200 This is it.

00:35:33.840 So that was his running job.

00:35:36.180 Thank God I didn't quit my job.

00:35:38.100 Now, a couple years go by, and there's a Broadway producer named Hilly Elkins, married to an actress named Claire.

00:35:46.700 Oh, it'll come to me.

00:35:47.780 Pretty lady.

00:35:48.340 And they own the rights to a book called A Hundred Misunderstandings, out of print.

00:35:54.820 But my aunt throws nothing out, and it's in her attic.

00:35:58.480 Oh, Christ.

00:35:59.060 And the pages are brown, and the pages are falling apart. 0.99

00:36:01.620 And it's about a college kid whose grandma sends him a hundred bucks, and he finds a 14-year-old black whore. 0.99

00:36:09.120 This is late 50s. 0.97

00:36:10.640 And one chapter's him, one chapter's her, and her street smarts are ten times better than his education. 0.74

00:36:18.120 That's basically it.

00:36:19.160 And I had to audition, you know, a few times, and sign a paper for nudity, and I auditioned against some black actresses. 0.66

00:36:27.240 And I told my dad, man, this is going to be like the graduate.

00:36:29.900 That's what he said.

00:36:31.180 You know, you ought to quit your job.

00:36:33.980 Two days later, I'm packing to go to New York to finalize this.

00:36:37.240 The phone rings.

00:36:38.380 My mother, uh-huh, uh-huh.

00:36:40.080 I'll tell them.

00:36:42.020 Alan, Hilly and Claire are getting a divorce, and they own that property, and it's part of the divorce.

00:36:47.160 They're fighting.

00:36:48.360 I go, what's happening?

00:36:49.320 They're not doing the movie.

00:36:51.360 You hear my dad go, thank God I didn't quit my job.

00:36:57.460 So by the time I get to comedy, my grandfather saw me somewhere, and I didn't know this until a few years later.

00:37:07.420 He came to Atlantic City, maybe saw the outlaws and were headlining, and afterwards he said, I forgot it was you, which is a great compliment.

00:37:14.260 But a few years prior, he called up my mother and said, you know, you were too young when you had him. 0.98

00:37:21.480 You don't give him enough discipline, and I personally think he's mentally ill. 0.94

00:37:25.840 You have to get him help. 0.98

00:37:28.360 He can't tell a joke.

00:37:30.000 There's nothing funny about him.

00:37:32.180 He sits in the corner his whole life.

00:37:34.040 He says, you've got to get him mental health.

00:37:37.660 So I think it was maybe after I did Thick of the Night, the first TV show, my mom, one time she had a real conversation with me.

00:37:44.900 Just sat down and said, you know, nobody believed in you, and now we get it.

00:37:52.880 But my grandfather, you've got to get him help.

00:37:54.820 And then after he saw me again, and it was really good, he goes, how come you don't do any golf jokes?

00:38:05.240 You're family.

00:38:06.800 But they're all joke tellers.

00:38:08.520 But me and my dad's family were all pseudo gangsters.

00:38:12.480 He had one uncle named Label, who came here in the late 50s and was the boss of Baccarat Caesars, like 40 years.

00:38:21.840 But he had to come here because the East Coast mob already took his leg.

00:38:25.980 Oh, my God.

00:38:26.260 He was standing in between two cars, and they smashed him.

00:38:30.700 And then there was a campaign, make Label able.

00:38:34.400 And he stole all the money and took off for Vegas.

00:38:37.160 When I was being bar mitzvahed, I remember my dad, who was like midnight, he goes, we've got to go to the airport.

00:38:45.100 I go, I just got a surprise.

00:38:47.520 And it's my uncle Label.

00:38:49.000 And he tells me, his label's coming in. 0.99

00:38:50.780 I go, won't they kill him?

00:38:51.720 He goes, who's going to tell him? 0.96

00:38:55.420 And he came to my bar mitzvah. 1.00

00:38:57.240 And he, they're all nuts. 0.98

00:38:59.540 He talked in, I can't even do it. 0.94

00:39:01.620 It's not rhythms or rhymes, but it said, like, my dad was Susan Fats and Tats and Dog Dooms.

00:39:08.320 And he'd get it perfect.

00:39:09.620 Everybody had a name like that.

00:39:11.240 And he'd remember them all.

00:39:13.780 And they were a handful.

00:39:17.260 They were, like, when you say, they sound like gangster gangsters.

00:39:20.720 They were gangsters.

00:39:21.160 You said wannabe gangsters or something.

00:39:22.620 Well, no, they were real gangsters in New Jersey.

00:39:25.240 Well, I had one uncle, maybe two.

00:39:28.580 One uncle in New York used to always get a new car.

00:39:31.200 He'd go, what happened to the last one?

00:39:32.200 He goes, don't dive in the lake.

00:39:35.820 True story.

00:39:38.020 And I had another uncle.

00:39:41.400 His son was a little younger than me.

00:39:43.600 He was living in Vegas.

00:39:44.820 Him and his brother were kind of my age.

00:39:47.640 And they were bookies.

00:39:49.600 Father got them.

00:39:50.660 So when they got in trouble, the father took the fall.

00:39:52.940 And he eventually was able to be a dealer in Vegas.

00:39:56.360 But he had to go through all sorts of hoops.

00:39:59.520 And then my mom had the second largest private title company in Jersey.

00:40:07.400 Title, like for home?

00:40:08.760 Yeah.

00:40:09.100 When you get a house in Jersey, no matter what, you have to have a title clerk.

00:40:14.820 They make sure nothing's held on the house.

00:40:17.920 It's like that everywhere now.

00:40:18.960 And, you know, she did a lot of stuff for the mall.

00:40:25.540 Wow.

00:40:26.720 And she always said, they're very nice and they always pay on time.

00:40:31.160 And one time she said, hey, help me with the stuff in my trunk.

00:40:34.740 And I pop it and it's shoebox after shoebox.

00:40:37.460 I go, what is this?

00:40:38.620 We go in and it's all cash.

00:40:41.040 I couldn't make it to the bank and I didn't want to do it at the teller window.

00:40:44.840 At the, you know, the self thing.

00:40:48.020 I go, who gave you this money?

00:40:50.100 Oh, you know, that family.

00:40:52.440 And they had bought the steak and brew I might have worked in.

00:40:55.920 They might have changed it and bought it.

00:40:57.520 And then, when I left New York, I couldn't cut it as an actor.

00:41:04.560 Nothing was happening.

00:41:05.360 I did a few plays.

00:41:06.720 And again, the one big play I thought I was going to get, they sent me to a famous Russian

00:41:12.080 lady to learn how to sing and make my voice hit the back of the wall. 1.00

00:41:17.780 And she had a gay piano player. 0.93

00:41:20.040 And I'm young.

00:41:20.600 What do I know?

00:41:21.620 But she had a cane. 0.98

00:41:23.740 And she goes, from the diaphragm.

00:41:27.400 Come on.

00:41:29.380 And I had six months of that.

00:41:31.460 And then the show lost its financing.

00:41:34.500 She just got beat for no reason. 0.98

00:41:37.220 Man, I found that.

00:41:38.400 Where is that diaphragm?

00:41:39.680 I'm not letting this happen.

00:41:41.220 Big lump.

00:41:41.940 Well, I remember when I came down, I had my kids after we got kicked out of that place

00:41:49.180 for writing on the wall, hi.

00:41:50.940 Sorry.

00:41:51.620 And also, the other thing was, we were sitting in there.

00:41:54.640 I had my kids and my sister in there.

00:41:57.440 And my other sister was down there by Mitzi's, you know, condo. 0.99

00:42:04.320 And so, Jenny, you know, my daughter, she just couldn't stop screaming.

00:42:11.940 And nobody could stop her from screaming.

00:42:14.160 Right, Jake?

00:42:14.960 Still that way.

00:42:16.020 She, it was like someone was being murdered.

00:42:19.660 Blood-curdling screams.

00:42:21.540 Yeah.

00:42:21.820 And she would scream out the window, call the police, just to torment me. 1.00

00:42:26.820 Yeah, that is true.

00:42:28.240 And she could project to the back of the room.

00:42:30.720 Oh, God, her voice could, she could be an awkward. 0.87

00:42:32.560 She yelled at me one time.

00:42:33.800 Yeah, I'm not surprised.

00:42:34.980 Remember you called her smoking?

00:42:36.680 And you told me.

00:42:38.180 And I think it was New Year's, and your career was taken off,

00:42:41.080 and she was a little full of herself.

00:42:42.840 Mom, I'm having a New Year's party with champagne and caviar.

00:42:47.220 Oh, yeah.

00:42:48.000 And I went like this.

00:42:49.180 Will there be smoking? 0.98

00:42:50.560 I hate him.

00:42:51.640 Why does he have to be here? 1.00

00:42:55.140 Craziness and lips.

00:42:58.900 Sounds like Jenny. 0.90

00:42:59.880 But, so, she's screaming, and a lady comes down. 1.00

00:43:05.160 She goes, ma'am, ma'am.

00:43:07.640 Remember this?

00:43:08.540 Ma'am's through the window. 0.93

00:43:09.560 Ma'am, can you please, it's 10 o'clock Sunday morning, ma'am.

00:43:14.640 Can you please keep your children quiet?

00:43:19.140 Ma'am?

00:43:20.980 What'd you do? 1.00

00:43:22.540 Fuck no! 1.00

00:43:23.620 All right, no one can make her stop screaming. 1.00

00:43:27.580 Yeah, good luck.

00:43:28.560 I was over the top.

00:43:30.140 I'm like, of course, if I could keep her quiet, I would. 1.00

00:43:33.620 And then I go, and aren't you the bitch upstairs with that Arab boyfriend 1.00

00:43:38.840 that I heard two nights ago where he's like, 1.00

00:43:42.800 Debbie Bliss.

00:43:45.360 Debbie Bliss.

00:43:47.400 Down there.

00:43:48.140 And she's like, no, you are non-communicative.

00:43:53.500 Debbie Bliss.

00:43:55.860 No, we cannot communicate. 1.00

00:43:58.900 I go, I was up all night living to your shit. 1.00

00:44:01.460 Get used to it. 1.00

00:44:02.960 And then the landlord came over and made us move.

00:44:06.640 And I told Mitzi, I got nowhere to go and three kids.

00:44:10.340 Well, go down to La Jolla.

00:44:12.380 Right on the beach.

00:44:13.320 Pretty good deal.

00:44:13.980 It was beautiful.

00:44:14.820 And then you was coming down there.

00:44:17.720 That's when the beach was still right under the balcony almost.

00:44:21.720 Right.

00:44:22.040 Before they made the road and ruined it.

00:44:23.820 Right.

00:44:24.380 And I remember my little sister lived down there.

00:44:26.500 She called me up.

00:44:27.180 She goes, my boyfriend broke my arm, remember?

00:44:32.520 I remember she stabbed him with a fork.

00:44:34.600 I was getting to that.

00:44:36.160 You jumped the punchline. 1.00

00:44:37.420 You jumped the fucking punchline. 1.00

00:44:39.160 Well, that's the part I remember. 1.00

00:44:40.380 I didn't know he broke her arm.

00:44:41.520 I would have gone there. 1.00

00:44:42.860 You did go there, fool. 1.00

00:44:44.740 Oh, that sounds like me. 0.99

00:44:46.600 I love a podcast with two old people. 0.99

00:44:48.980 He don't even know what he's saying.

00:44:51.080 Neither of you can remember anything because you both are so old. 0.85

00:44:53.460 It's the best podcast ever.

00:44:54.860 No, I remember every minute of it.

00:44:56.360 So I says to him, Alan, I got to go get my sister.

00:44:59.760 Oh, that's right.

00:45:00.540 You had the gun.

00:45:02.380 That's when you had the gun.

00:45:03.920 I told you.

00:45:05.180 And so I said, her boyfriend has broke her arm and I'm going to go over there. 0.99

00:45:09.420 I told her to pack her shit and I'm going to go get her over here. 1.00

00:45:12.000 And you grabbed the gun? 1.00

00:45:13.180 You skipped over that.

00:45:14.120 You brought a gun to my aunt's house?

00:45:15.380 He always had a gun then.

00:45:16.480 Oh, okay.

00:45:17.540 Just in case somebody didn't like a joke.

00:45:21.280 So I go, Alan, you better bring your gun because we're going to have to go bust her out maybe. 0.97

00:45:28.340 So we were really messed up.

00:45:32.400 I think my kids, it actually wasn't there then because they'd gone home with their dad.

00:45:36.720 Yeah, they went with their dad.

00:45:39.120 So it was just me and kids.

00:45:40.040 I know we got really pissed off.

00:45:42.160 No, wait.

00:45:43.080 So we go in, we park underground, better thing.

00:45:47.620 And then you get out of the car.

00:45:49.860 Nobody's in the underground parking lot.

00:45:51.780 You get out of the car like manics. 0.99

00:45:55.300 You've got the gun up here like this, looking like this in the parking garage.

00:45:59.860 You're like this.

00:46:01.120 I go, Alan, we're not even, she's down the street.

00:46:04.500 Put it away.

00:46:06.060 And so we go down there and I go in there, I go, she had this gorgeous Mexican boyfriend,

00:46:15.740 very tall, very beautiful. 1.00

00:46:17.560 And I go, you broke my fucking sister's arm and we're leaving. 1.00

00:46:22.120 And he goes, Roseanne, do you know why I broke her arm? 1.00

00:46:26.100 You know why her arm's injured? 0.95

00:46:27.580 I go, no.

00:46:28.160 He goes, because I was pulling it away from her, stabbing me in the chest with a fork while

00:46:33.760 I was asleep.

00:46:34.480 Oh, I forgot how bad it was.

00:46:36.800 Yeah, that's, remember?

00:46:38.400 Well, here's what I remember.

00:46:40.240 I remember a few weeks later, let me fix you up with your sister.

00:46:43.860 The fork stabber?

00:46:47.820 Didn't she stab him like 40 times or something?

00:46:50.900 No, she only stabbed him once or twice, but it was her other boyfriend.

00:46:54.800 But he didn't purposely break her arm.

00:46:56.720 He was trying to defend himself.

00:46:58.260 Self-defense.

00:46:58.600 She stabbed another one of her boyfriends back in the day, too.

00:47:01.880 Oh, yeah, Art.

00:47:03.060 No, Art's the one that pushed her arm.

00:47:05.620 Okay.

00:47:05.820 But she had another boyfriend.

00:47:07.060 She stabbed him, too.

00:47:08.900 Yeah. 0.50

00:47:09.440 Yeah, she was bipolar.

00:47:12.100 Well.

00:47:13.200 Whatever.

00:47:14.320 Anyway, so, Outlaws of Comedy.

00:47:17.820 Oh, the Outlaws of Comedy?

00:47:19.020 Yeah.

00:47:19.460 Well, here's how that comes about.

00:47:20.960 Didn't you do that after you worked on Roseanne?

00:47:23.680 No.

00:47:24.300 That was all before.

00:47:25.640 This was before the Roseanne show?

00:47:27.400 The Outlaws of Comedy with, that was with Sam?

00:47:30.100 It started in 85.

00:47:31.400 Yeah, let's talk about who was in that.

00:47:33.300 Carl LeBeau.

00:47:34.320 Well, Sam comes out.

00:47:36.000 Sam Kennison.

00:47:36.660 In 80, Sam Kennison.

00:47:38.460 Married with a little girl, with Carl, Carl's brother, Sam's brother.

00:47:45.140 It's a whole entourage.

00:47:46.280 Yeah.

00:47:47.000 And he's very polite.

00:47:48.900 There's no nuts screaming.

00:47:50.860 I don't even remember him going on.

00:47:52.520 Was it clean?

00:47:52.940 He just said, I want to meet you in Belzer.

00:47:57.600 He wasn't Sam Kennison yet, right?

00:47:59.900 Well, I just know in Houston, when they banned him, he made a cross and hung himself on it

00:48:06.060 across the street.

00:48:07.280 I don't know how sober you are to do that.

00:48:09.320 Yeah, I remember that story.

00:48:10.360 Okay, sorry, go on.

00:48:11.260 True story.

00:48:11.800 No, it's one of the best.

00:48:12.420 And he was very nice, and then he disappeared.

00:48:14.900 And he came back with the entourage, but no wife and no little kid, because it was her 0.96

00:48:19.600 kid.

00:48:21.260 And they all lived together at different times, and sometimes, you know, wherever they could

00:48:26.980 crash.

00:48:27.540 And we always played music, and we said, whoever makes it, we'll make the band.

00:48:34.500 We'll do something.

00:48:36.000 And then, you know, Sam, you cannot, he's very unstable, so we were not friends.

00:48:41.240 And he does his HBO special, and he's touring with Carl.

00:48:46.300 And we bump into each other, and I go up to his house, and at that point, he had twins,

00:48:51.580 blondes with him.

00:48:52.940 And he went to bed, and I see they're going through his pocket, so I pulled a cab and threw

00:48:57.040 them out.

00:48:58.340 So, of course, the next morning, it's angry Sam, and I have to sit him down and say,

00:49:01.660 I protected you, because he trusts nothing.

00:49:05.300 And he goes, well, why don't you and Carl come out?

00:49:07.580 And that's what the outlaws were.

00:49:10.040 And then at some point, we started rotating.

00:49:12.740 It was Mitchell, Anumi, Carl LeBeau, myself, and Sam.

00:49:17.360 And then we had, like, guests.

00:49:19.280 Belzer did it for two nights, but then Sam didn't like his attitude.

00:49:22.620 Lenny Clark did it the longest.

00:49:27.420 Pauly did it a few times, which is a pretty funny story.

00:49:31.540 And Steve Kravitz.

00:49:36.300 And you guys toured?

00:49:38.280 First, it was, like, little theaters.

00:49:41.360 Yeah.

00:49:42.000 And then it went to arenas.

00:49:43.840 Wow.

00:49:44.420 Yeah.

00:49:44.860 What's the biggest arena you all ever played?

00:49:48.000 Well, we did a song with Bon Jovi.

00:49:51.320 We did Wild Thing to 84,000 people.

00:49:54.060 Yeah.

00:49:55.160 That's awesome.

00:49:55.740 In North Jersey.

00:49:56.540 But the biggest one we played might have been 30,000, 35,000.

00:50:00.280 Wow.

00:50:01.560 And that's hard to control, because they're there to see Sam.

00:50:04.940 Right.

00:50:06.140 So it's, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

00:50:08.980 And I just could listen.

00:50:10.020 There's two more after me.

00:50:11.780 You can go to the bathroom. 1.00

00:50:13.380 You got to shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:50:14.840 And always somebody go, run, run, run, run. 1.00

00:50:17.520 That's what it sounds like.

00:50:18.580 Yeah. 1.00

00:50:18.760 And they go, row 101, Cedar, I'll fuck you up. 1.00

00:50:22.960 That was it. 1.00

00:50:23.860 Show it's done.

00:50:25.980 And then, ah, then Roseanne, right?

00:50:29.380 Well, I don't know what happened after that.

00:50:30.820 I'm trying to get the career.

00:50:31.960 How did it go?

00:50:32.360 Yeah.

00:50:32.780 Your career is.

00:50:33.360 When did you come on Roseanne?

00:50:35.980 Sam was gone, and I had no career.

00:50:39.000 I said, you were an outlaw?

00:50:40.460 We're not poking you. 0.99

00:50:41.340 You'll burn our place now. 1.00

00:50:42.400 You're an outlaw. 0.93

00:50:42.920 In fact, I cut my hair, and there was a 400-seat room in Caesars and Tahoe, and I'm on the

00:50:50.300 plane with the entertainment director, and he says, do you know little Kinnison and his

00:50:54.800 boys?

00:50:55.780 No.

00:50:57.220 Yeah.

00:50:57.900 I go, why?

00:50:58.520 He goes, something's wrong with them.

00:51:00.500 You know, we opened the bar in the pool for them.

00:51:02.660 They broke open the bar, and I go, maybe they weren't used to being famous or something.

00:51:07.180 He goes, well, I got a big red X in their pictures. 0.98

00:51:10.660 Every one of them, they will never fucking play season style.

00:51:14.660 I finished my first set, and he's in the wings holding my picture with the X. 0.96

00:51:19.340 He goes, the minute you're not funny or do something, you're out of here.

00:51:23.860 Sam, that was our first headlining casino, tripped on a wire in the back, and they were

00:51:29.180 just panicked.

00:51:30.060 Sam was going up.

00:51:31.320 So, they get the yacht.

00:51:33.540 They have a yacht.

00:51:34.260 So, we're on Lake Tahoe, like in a 200-foot yacht, stocked with shrimp, lobster, and we

00:51:41.080 just kept calling down, we need tickets for Diana Ross, because they were afraid he was

00:51:45.580 going to sue.

00:51:46.920 But here's why it really went down.

00:51:49.980 Steve Kravitz, I told Sam not to take him at the time he was a heroin addict.

00:51:56.300 Okay.

00:51:56.460 Anyway, they did open the pool for us, and Steve has somewhat of a Jewish nose, and I'm

00:52:03.420 a Jew, I can say it.

00:52:04.600 And he dove in high, and he came up, and you saw that nose go, and blood everywhere in the

00:52:11.400 pool.

00:52:12.680 So, they had to drain that pool and have it cleaned.

00:52:16.160 And Sam, you know, Sam, ah, it was an accident.

00:52:20.820 Now, it's New Year's, and we're, the theater where Jerry Seinfeld plays in New York, it's

00:52:26.880 a famous theater.

00:52:28.720 And the show's over, weather sucks, Sam comes out, his limo's not there. 0.99

00:52:35.020 That's what happened to my fucking limo. 0.99

00:52:36.580 I think it's in Harlem right now, buying dope. 1.00

00:52:38.980 And it was, and that's when he went.

00:52:45.000 Oh, he took the limo to Harlem?

00:52:48.500 Didn't he die, Steve Kravitz?

00:52:49.920 No, he's still alive.

00:52:51.200 Is he sober off heroin?

00:52:53.340 Yes, has been for years, and he's back to doing stand-up. 1.00

00:52:56.160 Oh, good for him, poor bastard. 0.99

00:52:57.860 Yeah. 1.00

00:52:58.280 How many guys died from fucking heroin overdoses, comics? 0.99

00:53:03.880 Well, comics, it was overdosing on almost everything, because I know some that died from 1.00

00:53:08.980 alcohol poisoning.

00:53:10.720 There was a guy, a sweet guy, Larry Beezer.

00:53:13.800 I remember Beezer, I opened for him.

00:53:16.140 He was such an alcoholic, I forget what southern state he was in, but the police literally drove

00:53:22.360 him to the edge of the state, pushed him into the next one, do not turn around.

00:53:29.260 He slowly was losing gigs, and he drank himself slowly, and then of course, Ollie Joe, obesity

00:53:36.080 and booze. 0.82

00:53:36.900 You know, they used a crane to move Ollie into the hospital.

00:53:42.160 You know, he got so big towards the end.

00:53:44.300 Did he? 1.00

00:53:45.820 How funny was that son of a bitch? 1.00

00:53:46.720 They took 100 pounds of water off in a day. 1.00

00:53:49.940 Really?

00:53:50.080 That's how big he was.

00:53:51.720 Oh, remember how funny he was, though?

00:53:54.700 Nobody was funnier than him.

00:53:56.480 He'd take a beer.

00:53:57.440 Ollie Joe Prater?

00:53:58.440 Yeah.

00:53:58.840 He'd take a beer.

00:53:59.880 He came to our house for dinner.

00:54:01.220 An unopened beer, put it in his teeth, put it in his mouth, and go like this, and guzzle

00:54:08.060 the whole beer, throw it on the floor, and go, that bears everything I learned in college.

00:54:14.560 With his little tiny cowboy boots.

00:54:17.360 He looked just like his 70s.

00:54:18.600 I remember, I saw him cook a chicken on his radiator.

00:54:21.780 He showed me when he's on the road.

00:54:23.200 All the time.

00:54:24.120 He'd cook a chicken.

00:54:25.000 He either had an old Lincoln or an old Caddy, and he'd pull it over.

00:54:28.960 Chicken or steak.

00:54:32.820 This is the good old days of comedy.

00:54:34.380 I was before my time.

00:54:35.660 I love listening to this.

00:54:36.940 I could hear the show.

00:54:37.300 Ollie Joe.

00:54:37.600 I wanted to go into, like, the strike, when the comics, like, realized that they were building

00:54:43.480 up the comedy store and the improv, and they wasn't getting a dime.

00:54:46.380 Actually, it wasn't build-up.

00:54:48.780 It was just starting to catch on, and she had that main room.

00:54:56.180 It was a Mexican disco, and she redid it, thinking she'll get the Buddy Hackett's, and

00:55:02.740 she winds up with, like, Tiny Tim, because the comics go, hey, Vegas pays us millions. 0.99

00:55:08.600 You're too close.

00:55:09.680 You're talking about Mitzi Shore.

00:55:10.920 So Argus naively says to her, he was the boyfriend at the time, why don't you use your

00:55:16.120 headliners?

00:55:16.860 And there was maybe 15 and 17 that were good, but you'd consider headliners.

00:55:22.580 And she said, yeah.

00:55:24.380 Well, the room was packed, and they went, wait a minute.

00:55:29.080 She's making money. 1.00

00:55:30.620 We should be getting paid.

00:55:33.340 Now, she's maybe a year or two in.

00:55:36.620 I forget.

00:55:37.240 It was before the Jag, but the Pinto was gone. 0.98

00:55:40.240 And all they see is she lives in that mansion, not knowing there's still a big mortgage on

00:55:45.120 her.

00:55:46.940 But I believe a certain comic, this is what Mitzi said to me, slept with her, and she didn't 0.73

00:55:53.680 want him back.

00:55:55.220 And it was his vendetta to keep that thing going.

00:55:57.960 It's not someone we can name, I take it.

00:55:59.960 Huh?

00:56:00.420 It's not somebody you want to name, I take it.

00:56:02.440 Oh, I will after this beer is done.

00:56:05.620 Okay.

00:56:07.300 So, some comic that she didn't want back as her boyfriend?

00:56:11.900 Well, I remember-

00:56:12.780 Agitated for the stride?

00:56:14.100 She slept with the comics from time to time? 0.90

00:56:15.860 Oh, she slept with all of them. 0.51

00:56:17.560 Oh, really?

00:56:18.200 Did you guys sleep with her?

00:56:19.880 I didn't sleep with her.

00:56:20.460 You didn't.

00:56:20.940 Did you?

00:56:21.380 Me either.

00:56:21.920 That's why I was very friendly with her.

00:56:24.100 She would call me with her personal problems.

00:56:26.720 She'd call me at three in the morning.

00:56:27.980 Like, you know, Argus, God bless him, was very much an alcoholic and out of control.

00:56:34.720 And she calls me at three in the morning, you know, I think he could be senator. 1.00

00:56:41.160 And I had to sit and listen to this shit. 1.00

00:56:44.800 And she was sincere. 1.00

00:56:46.540 I mean, he was that brilliant.

00:56:48.500 He threw it all away with that booze.

00:56:51.200 Well, I remember I called his father, who was a preacher. 0.99

00:56:56.560 And he said, well, you and that Jew woman have messed him up. 1.00

00:57:01.320 And I went like this. 1.00

00:57:02.560 I'll send him home with a body bag. 1.00

00:57:04.720 Fuck you. 1.00

00:57:06.620 And he's out of control. 1.00

00:57:11.740 So his father finally comes, and we're walking up to Crest Hill.

00:57:15.420 And he says, you know, Alan, our God.

00:57:18.800 And I go, excuse me, sir? 1.00

00:57:20.340 You didn't have anybody until we fired the fucker. 1.00

00:57:22.900 And he just walked away from me. 0.99

00:57:27.360 Ronnie Kenny catches up to us.

00:57:30.440 The door opens.

00:57:31.620 He realizes it's his father. 1.00

00:57:33.460 And he says, you bagel-faced motherfucker to me. 1.00

00:57:36.720 And Ronnie Kenny sucker punches him in the face. 1.00

00:57:39.640 He goes down on his tighty-whities right across the wax floor.

00:57:43.900 I go, Ron, why would you hit him?

00:57:46.540 You're going to take that?

00:57:47.540 I go, I grew up one of three Jews.

00:57:50.140 That's nothing. 1.00

00:57:52.820 And then the father sent his brother, younger brother, who proceeded to put the mattress out on the balcony and fuck waitresses. 0.99

00:58:00.480 So he was no help. 0.99

00:58:02.180 Jesus.

00:58:03.680 Then, oh, and he's had me tell this story.

00:58:07.920 Mitzi says, you've got to save him.

00:58:10.460 So I take him to county, and it's Halloween, the county hospital. 0.98

00:58:15.380 And they all have masks on, but like the shitty plastic kitty ones. 0.96

00:58:19.440 It's the very Twilight Zone. 0.97

00:58:21.140 Remember the picture?

00:58:22.240 Yeah.

00:58:23.240 And they give him a thing to fill out, and he's filling it out, and he starts crying.

00:58:27.200 Like, what's the matter?

00:58:27.880 It says if you act up, they can give you a lobotomy to county.

00:58:34.420 And they go, you're a comic.

00:58:35.900 Wait a minute.

00:58:36.860 And they go up.

00:58:37.880 Excuse me.

00:58:39.100 Nothing.

00:58:40.260 Fine, I go, hey, Daffy.

00:58:43.020 And the guy doesn't take it off.

00:58:44.720 He talks to me with it.

00:58:46.340 I said, what's this mean?

00:58:48.020 You know, he's a comic.

00:58:49.500 And I just turned and went, Argus, let's go.

00:58:51.360 I'm not leaving you here.

00:58:53.100 And Mitzi went crazy. 0.99

00:58:55.120 So then I took him to another place that didn't work.

00:58:59.960 But then we decided it's going to be Betty Ford, and Mitzi's picking up the tab. 1.00

00:59:03.900 Yeah. 0.99

00:59:04.440 So Fifth Maynard, who's out of his mind and dangerous, just wants to get him high and kill him. 0.99

00:59:09.880 That would solve everything. 0.99

00:59:10.920 And he's dead serious.

00:59:14.760 So Ollie Joe comes over, and he says, I have a quarter of a ounce of cocaine, some beer.

00:59:22.340 Let's tell him we're going to Palm Springs to party.

00:59:26.220 I don't know whose convertible it is. 1.00

00:59:28.300 He's in the back, son of a bitch, in his white suit. 1.00

00:59:34.080 Must be a week it's on him, not a spot. 1.00

00:59:36.640 I don't know how he does it.

00:59:38.440 And Ollie and I, I were up for three days because we had to convince him to get in the car. 1.00

00:59:43.880 And we looked like total shit. 1.00

00:59:47.420 We smell. 1.00

00:59:49.360 And as luck would have it, we stop at a bar in Palm Springs, and it's a guy that was running the store that Mitzi fired that came from the Playboy Club.

00:59:57.100 And he proceeds to just keep giving Argus drinks.

01:00:02.340 So now we go, and he sees the Betty Ford signing, and he says, can I please get a six-pack before I go in there?

01:00:09.500 So we turn around and get him a six-pack.

01:00:12.280 And while he's drinking, and I said, well, Ollie Joe and I will go in and set this up.

01:00:16.700 We're standing at the counter, and the nurse comes out and says, two?

01:00:20.860 Ollie goes, two what?

01:00:22.220 Two people checking in?

01:00:26.220 I go, we're not checking in.

01:00:28.200 You sure?

01:00:30.200 And with that, Argus comes around the corner, straightening that tie like he's the long-lost Kennedy.

01:00:36.560 And I go, it's him. 1.00

01:00:38.520 And she thinks I'm full of shit. 1.00

01:00:41.820 And that worked for him. 1.00

01:00:44.500 Oh, he got him sober?

01:00:45.840 Yes.

01:00:46.260 Who is Argus?

01:00:46.760 He's like 30-some years.

01:00:47.920 Oh, wow.

01:00:48.620 That's awesome.

01:00:49.400 Argus Hamilton was a great comic, and he was, yeah, real political stuff, like the best of it, and was Mitzi's boyfriend.

01:00:58.960 He's still killing at the store.

01:01:00.460 Really cool.

01:01:01.520 So anyway, the strike, we were on that.

01:01:04.020 Oh, the strike?

01:01:04.700 Yeah.

01:01:05.780 All right.

01:01:07.360 So they decide they're going to organize everybody.

01:01:10.260 And between the two coasts, that might be 600, 700 people.

01:01:13.420 Wow.

01:01:13.720 And I'd say 698 of them are questionable at that time.

01:01:20.600 Not funny, you mean?

01:01:22.420 Or not?

01:01:22.820 Beyond not funny.

01:01:24.480 And I'm one of them.

01:01:26.100 But the little people like me, the unknowns.

01:01:30.780 So Elaine Boosler called me up and said, would I organize them?

01:01:33.780 And we went to the Hyatt House upstairs to their big room and had the meeting. 0.99

01:01:39.840 And I remember Gallagher stood up and said, well, let's just get the cunt and everybody else will fall in line. 0.98

01:01:46.360 And I walked right down and into her office and went, Mitzi, they're coming for you. 0.99

01:01:51.840 What can I do?

01:01:53.680 I will never pay them.

01:01:55.760 And that was her stance.

01:01:58.760 And eventually, they organized enough people and found a union called AGVA that was about to go under.

01:02:08.260 It was Circus Clown.

01:02:10.420 For real.

01:02:11.300 I'm not making it up.

01:02:13.860 And once you align with the union, all the other unions have to pretend they agree with it.

01:02:20.340 Yeah, right.

01:02:21.180 Hence the union.

01:02:22.320 Yeah.

01:02:22.540 So SAG would go, we're going to pull cars.

01:02:25.840 Cards.

01:02:26.380 After would do this.

01:02:27.420 It was horrible.

01:02:28.680 So people were afraid.

01:02:30.760 And eight of us crossed the line every night.

01:02:33.820 And it was hard.

01:02:34.380 Leno would go, you want to see this guy's not funny?

01:02:36.980 What are you going to waste your money for?

01:02:39.240 And eventually, he got ugly.

01:02:42.060 And it was on the news every night.

01:02:43.940 And it was embarrassing, I thought.

01:02:45.960 Because for these brilliant comics that want to get paid, their signs are like, no bucks, no yucks.

01:02:52.980 And that was one of the better ones.

01:02:54.880 Painful.

01:02:56.880 Painful.

01:02:57.860 And Paulie would get on the roof, you know, as a kid, and pee on everybody.

01:03:03.260 And then, I think Jay Leno got hit by a car.

01:03:08.440 He was all right.

01:03:10.240 You know, somebody pulled one into that driveway.

01:03:12.040 And then a guy named Steve Labetkin, who was a troubled soul, but nobody realized it, was out front picketing.

01:03:22.140 And Mitzi looked out and went, is that Steve Labetkin?

01:03:24.900 He's supposed to be in La Jolla tonight, working the comedy store.

01:03:28.600 I'm not paying him to strike.

01:03:31.940 And she said, go out there and tell him he's not working tonight.

01:03:35.620 And after a week or two, he got it in his head that she controlled his career.

01:03:41.180 And he jumped off the Hyatt House roof.

01:03:43.820 I remember this.

01:03:44.700 And then they broke in her office and put a dummy in there with a sign that said, you killed Steve Labetkin.

01:03:50.200 Oh, my God.

01:03:50.960 And she was never right after that.

01:03:52.980 Before that, laughed all the time, was fun, was sweet after that.

01:04:00.100 Do you think she felt responsible when they played on it?

01:04:02.640 Or she just couldn't believe they went that low?

01:04:04.360 She couldn't believe these people turned on her.

01:04:06.920 Yeah.

01:04:07.380 It was like a, you know, it starts in 72, and he gives it to her in the divorce, Sammy.

01:04:12.140 Yeah.

01:04:12.700 And he's mean.

01:04:13.360 It's a joke.

01:04:14.000 It doesn't make any money.

01:04:15.840 Art LeBeau has it.

01:04:16.960 She just gets the covers on the door. 1.00

01:04:18.820 Was it a buck, two bucks then?

01:04:20.280 Right.

01:04:20.720 No booze, no nothing.

01:04:21.780 There's a comedy club?

01:04:22.680 Or just, what was it?

01:04:24.100 A comedy club?

01:04:24.600 No, it was the comedy store.

01:04:25.880 Okay, gotcha.

01:04:26.020 But the original room was half its size.

01:04:28.240 Okay.

01:04:28.440 The big room was a Mexican disco, Art LeBeau ran.

01:04:32.480 Okay.

01:04:32.820 Upstairs hadn't been used since 1960.

01:04:35.200 Wow, okay.

01:04:35.780 And she sat at the bottom of the stairs with cigarettes and candy.

01:04:40.560 And would drive her pinto to the house, and her office was up there.

01:04:46.020 That's when the kids were really young, seven and nine, I think.

01:04:48.760 So the divorce, she got it in the divorce.

01:04:50.800 But it was like, ha, ha, ha.

01:04:52.320 Right.

01:04:53.160 And he said, oh, and you can have the house, too, which is the old Dorothy L'Amour house.

01:04:57.100 Except it had a big-ass mortgage.

01:05:00.460 So no matter what somebody might think of Mitzi Schur, whether she was knowledgeable in comedy,

01:05:05.360 but in the right place at the right time, however you want to put it, it's her sweat that made it.

01:05:12.700 Yeah.

01:05:13.060 She didn't quit.

01:05:15.020 And believe me, she shouldn't.

01:05:17.160 I don't know how she was making it.

01:05:19.700 And with kids, with four kids, except Scotty was already making money.

01:05:24.760 He was 21 in real estate.

01:05:26.340 I told her he had a jack on the beach where he'd plug in his phone.

01:05:30.640 And he's my age, and I'm going, what the hell did I, where did I go wrong?

01:05:34.180 I can't even think like that.

01:05:36.640 And the daughter didn't like her, Sandy, from the day I got there.

01:05:41.740 And I remember she was a waitress briefly.

01:05:44.640 Then she learned how to do nails. 0.96

01:05:47.220 Peter was very quiet.

01:05:49.340 And Paulie was a lot of energy.

01:05:51.740 And Steve Landisberg lived in that house with her when I came out.

01:05:56.440 He later gets Barney Miller.

01:05:58.920 But at this point, I don't even know if he did a Tonight Show.

01:06:01.820 And I remember.

01:06:02.140 He always did the Tonight Show.

01:06:04.440 Hmm?

01:06:04.800 He always was on the Tonight Show.

01:06:06.120 Yeah, I'm not sure he had done one at this point yet.

01:06:07.760 Oh, I did it.

01:06:08.520 Or he was getting ready to.

01:06:10.720 And I remember being in the house, and he's talking to me, and Paulie runs by, and he grabs his hand, and he goes, 1.00

01:06:15.700 slow down, or I'm going to rip your dick off. 1.00

01:06:17.640 And he turns the conversation. 1.00

01:06:21.280 All I could think is, well, none of these people are going to be normal in this house.

01:06:26.200 No.

01:06:26.600 I used to call it the Addams film.

01:06:29.520 And so now the comics decide she's making money. 0.94

01:06:34.600 And the real push behind it is the 17 headliners.

01:06:38.140 And they're funny.

01:06:39.220 Leno, Tom Dreesen, Boozler.

01:06:42.000 Now, Tom Dreesen's best friend at the time is Marsha Warfield.

01:06:45.220 Yeah, Marsha's funny, too. 0.78

01:06:46.600 She's back at it.

01:06:47.780 So here's what happens after a few weeks.

01:06:51.020 He goes upstairs to talk to Mitzi, and he comes down, and he goes, the strike's over.

01:06:56.000 And we're sitting in her booth, and Marsha Warfield goes, well, how much are we getting?

01:07:00.860 He goes, what do you mean?

01:07:01.980 You're not getting anything.

01:07:03.560 The 17 of us are going to get a piece of the door.

01:07:06.300 And when you're good enough, Marsha goes, wait a minute.

01:07:09.300 You used us?

01:07:11.240 And he marched back upstairs and started the strike.

01:07:13.800 And at one point, they had to have meetings away from the store.

01:07:19.220 But the improv went, you can do whatever you want here.

01:07:22.080 And I got thrown out of there.

01:07:25.380 Biff got thrown out.

01:07:26.560 Marty Cohen got thrown out.

01:07:28.420 At one point, Tom Dreesen goes, if you don't agree with us, you've got to go.

01:07:32.180 I raised my hand.

01:07:33.060 He goes, what?

01:07:33.900 That's how they got the Jews on the train. 1.00

01:07:35.980 They threw me out.

01:07:38.960 Then Marty Cohen came out, and I said, what did they throw you out for? 0.97

01:07:41.720 He goes, you got me crazy with the Jews on it. 1.00

01:07:44.040 And then Biff came out, and he goes, I just felt like getting thrown out.

01:07:47.840 But I remember they had it in a theater one time, and the Agba guy was going to speak.

01:07:52.660 And it was recently reported that he stole money to build a pool for his house.

01:07:57.540 And I'm sitting with Alan Bersky, who, when he is in the mood, is so annoyingly funny.

01:08:04.580 And it was just like a scene in that Stallone movie, the Union movie.

01:08:08.980 He looks at me, and he goes, what happened to the pool?

01:08:13.120 The guy tries to ignore. 0.98

01:08:14.700 Somebody over there says, shut up. 0.95

01:08:16.780 What happened to the pool? 0.91

01:08:18.880 We disrupted that thing until it broke out in a fistfight. 0.98

01:08:21.680 And, of course, Bersky and I left.

01:08:25.660 And here's another great Bersky story.

01:08:28.680 Right after that, we're all sitting at the door of the original room.

01:08:34.300 We come up the steps, Mitzi and a few commons.

01:08:37.440 And somebody leans in and goes, Mitzi, there's a bomb scare.

01:08:42.140 She goes, what?

01:08:43.740 Somebody says, there's a bomb here.

01:08:45.640 She says, what do you want to do?

01:08:48.060 I go, well, if you get everybody out of here,

01:08:51.020 there's really bad publicity.

01:08:53.180 However, if we kill 200 people, it's not good either. 0.54

01:08:57.160 And with that, Bersky comes through the curtain.

01:08:59.880 And Mitzi, this is how funny she could be.

01:09:02.140 Alan, come sit with us.

01:09:06.000 But she thought we were going to be blown up.

01:09:10.540 Is that the funniest?

01:09:11.820 That's how mean her sense of humor was.

01:09:14.180 Alan, come sit with us.

01:09:18.420 Later on, when I told him, you know, there's a bomb scare,

01:09:20.520 she thought you'd get blown up with her. 1.00

01:09:22.540 Get the fuck out of here. 0.99

01:09:24.940 Well, now, when did you come to work on Roseanne? 0.99

01:09:28.580 Okay.

01:09:29.340 I can't get any work after the outlaws, so I said, well, I'm going to be a writer.

01:09:33.260 And they give you 50 or 100 a joke.

01:09:36.000 Well, I said, I'm a $1,000 retainer, like a lawyer.

01:09:40.880 Thinking, who'd do it?

01:09:43.100 20 people did it.

01:09:44.220 Two guys, they still owe jokes.

01:09:46.820 Mark Price and Scott something.

01:09:51.100 They just wanted to say Alan wrote for them.

01:09:53.940 And one girl paid me $1,000, and I wouldn't give it back.

01:09:58.920 She dated Bobby Kelton and the guy who booked Caesars.

01:10:02.700 But today, she is a multi-millionaire for bras, a Jewish blonde. 1.00

01:10:09.880 She sells bras on TV and stuff for big girls. 1.00

01:10:15.020 And she, back then, was the host of a little show on USA called Up All Night.

01:10:20.260 Oh, yeah.

01:10:20.740 Oh, Rhonda. 0.91

01:10:21.840 Yeah.

01:10:22.580 Rhonda, yeah. 1.00

01:10:24.300 Rhonda.

01:10:24.740 Rhonda Shear.

01:10:25.620 Shear, yeah.

01:10:26.040 She hires me to write for her.

01:10:27.520 I give her 10 jokes, and I go, here's the deal.

01:10:30.660 I don't want Bobby Kelton telling you what's funny.

01:10:35.200 Okay.

01:10:35.980 She calls me the next day.

01:10:37.020 None of them work.

01:10:39.000 I go, you don't have an act that could do two new jokes.

01:10:45.080 Did Bobby tell you they didn't work?

01:10:47.100 Yeah. 1.00

01:10:47.420 I said, well, go fuck yourself. 1.00

01:10:49.460 Told her that was the deal. 1.00

01:10:51.620 Two days later, my doorbell rings, and I open it up, and somebody starts yelling at me.

01:10:55.100 I go, who are you?

01:10:56.300 And it was her without the makeup, the heels. 0.98

01:11:00.160 It was just some loud Jewish girl with a bad nose job screaming at me. 1.00

01:11:04.220 She was so offended when I didn't recognize her. 0.82

01:11:07.540 And then Bobby Kelton called me.

01:11:09.160 I go, Bobby, what do you want to fight me?

01:11:12.260 And he didn't like me because my joke on him was 20 Tonight Shows, and he calls home, and his mom goes, who?

01:11:20.340 So, you know, nobody liked me, except Belzer.

01:11:22.980 It used to be if Alan fought with you, you'd become famous.

01:11:28.840 Letterman comes up to me one night.

01:11:31.220 He goes, I understand you do jokes about a gas station.

01:11:35.000 I go, yeah.

01:11:35.460 He goes, well, I do that.

01:11:38.000 I go, David, there's a lot of gas stations.

01:11:41.940 Which one are you doing?

01:11:43.060 And he walked away from me, and he didn't see me again until I went with you when you were on there.

01:11:49.900 And I think you had stepped out of the dressing room, and I'm eating those gourmet cookies.

01:11:54.900 And he walks in, and it's literally like he saw a ghost.

01:11:58.400 And he goes, well, what are you doing here?

01:12:03.120 I think he thought somebody booked me and didn't tell him.

01:12:06.260 Oh.

01:12:06.560 I said, I work for Roseanne.

01:12:08.420 I produce a show.

01:12:09.260 And he went, what?

01:12:12.000 And walked out.

01:12:13.100 And Leno, after the strike, nobody would speak to me.

01:12:22.580 A bunch of us were blackballed.

01:12:24.420 He'd go to an audition, you know, for a TV show.

01:12:27.700 You're the owl in the comic from the story.

01:12:31.640 We've cast it already.

01:12:34.940 So there was a lot of bad blood afterwards.

01:12:37.380 And she agreed to pay $25 in the original room, and half the door you'd split with the comics in the big room.

01:12:45.480 Well, in those days, you can make $400 or $500 a night.

01:12:48.300 That's good money.

01:12:49.240 So I really didn't have to go on the road.

01:12:51.040 She'd work me every night. 1.00

01:12:53.060 But initially, they were the only ones getting it.

01:12:55.960 So they start the strike again.

01:12:57.680 It gets all ugly.

01:12:59.360 And they finally say they're going to take SAG cards.

01:13:02.480 Well, I'm in it since I'm 10.

01:13:03.980 So I asked to see a vice president.

01:13:08.120 He lets me in, closes the door, locks it, and sits down. 1.00

01:13:12.680 He goes, you fucking asshole, comics. 1.00

01:13:15.940 I hope you're all right in hell. 1.00

01:13:19.160 I go, what? 0.99

01:13:21.900 Agva? 1.00

01:13:23.300 Agva, you motherfucker! 1.00

01:13:26.200 Screaming at me. 1.00

01:13:26.940 I said, I'm from the other side.

01:13:29.800 Are you going to pull SAG cards?

01:13:32.180 Because you didn't hear it here.

01:13:33.280 But wouldn't that be a little illegal, I think?

01:13:35.820 I go, I think so.

01:13:37.620 And I went.

01:13:38.280 It was Marty Koldner, Pryor, Jimmy Walker, Argus Mitzi.

01:13:42.380 They said, they're not pulling cards.

01:13:44.500 And they said, it's just me and somebody else has it anyway. 1.00

01:13:46.600 It's a stupid threat. 1.00

01:13:48.920 And eventually, the eight of us broke their backs. 1.00

01:13:53.500 She gave in.

01:13:54.420 And Bud never honored his deal, which he would do what she did.

01:13:59.840 He paid $17.50 and took out taxes, which is against the law.

01:14:03.460 And from that point on, if you knew her from day one, you could be friendly with her, but not at the store.

01:14:13.760 She went up to the house or in the parking lot.

01:14:16.500 And I think I told her this story.

01:14:20.400 One time in Vegas, after the show, I'm sitting with the comics, and she came in and said, Alan, you ought to wear a white suit.

01:14:27.440 Tell jokes about grape nuts. 0.99

01:14:29.140 And before she could finish, I went, why don't you just hire that fucking guy? 1.00

01:14:32.420 And she turned and walked down, and the comics went, ooh. 0.99

01:14:37.100 And a week later, two days later, she called me up and said, you will not play Vegas for a year or two.

01:14:42.840 I said, what did I do?

01:14:44.180 You cannot let them know that I'm not, they have to be afraid of me.

01:14:49.220 And you let them know.

01:14:51.660 They just think, you know, I was out of line, too.

01:14:56.280 They're not going to do it.

01:14:57.820 They certainly aren't.

01:14:59.020 And she kept me out of there for a year and a half.

01:15:00.820 Wow.

01:15:01.980 She's my friend.

01:15:03.100 Yeah.

01:15:03.820 Well, we'll get to the Roseanne show now.

01:15:06.820 Okay.

01:15:07.780 So now, you leave Tom Arn.

01:15:11.340 Oh, yeah.

01:15:11.900 And I do a talk show in the afternoon out of Chicago with a black girl.

01:15:16.020 I can't remember her name.

01:15:17.600 And I'm supposed to do one segment with the Denver comics.

01:15:21.200 I remember all that.

01:15:22.780 Well, this is how I get to your show.

01:15:25.340 I'm so funny.

01:15:26.400 They go, would you stay for the rest of the show?

01:15:28.180 Not knowing the next group was the Inquirer writers.

01:15:32.040 And they're obnoxious.

01:15:33.360 I was on their movie set and they were all over each other. 0.99

01:15:36.800 And I go, so you don't like to have sex? 0.61

01:15:39.480 And, you know, the audience is screaming. 0.97

01:15:41.740 Well, I don't know.

01:15:42.480 The other guest is Tom's mother.

01:15:44.780 Oh, my God.

01:15:45.740 Really?

01:15:46.060 And she comes out and before they start, she pinches me and goes, you're the enemy.

01:15:50.820 I go, listen, your kid eats goldfish.

01:15:54.520 And they go, okay, we're off.

01:15:56.900 And we went back and forth.

01:15:58.980 I didn't know that.

01:15:59.900 I never saw that.

01:16:00.680 Now, Tom calls me up and I'm with Bob Rubin.

01:16:04.600 And I go, he must be upset how he handled his mother.

01:16:07.600 So the whole day to get Bob to laugh, if he walked by me, I'd bump into him and fall down.

01:16:12.640 I go, what are you doing?

01:16:13.160 And I go, when he hits me, I'm going down, I'm taking every dime from that fat box.

01:16:17.840 So I finally go to the trailer.

01:16:19.800 And I really think that's what's going to happen.

01:16:22.600 And he said, you know, we're separated.

01:16:26.380 Jesus, just everywhere.

01:16:29.220 Well, I think maybe, would you like to be on my show?

01:16:35.900 And in my head, I know he's thinking, well, if I get Alan back, Roseanne will come back.

01:16:39.880 So he says, can you give me like 10 show ideas and be on my show?

01:16:44.820 So I did something on his show.

01:16:46.900 Gave him 10 ideas.

01:16:48.040 And he said, I want all of them.

01:16:49.880 The next call I got is, she's not coming back.

01:16:53.800 I told her, you're a good writer.

01:16:55.560 Good luck.

01:16:56.860 He hung up the phone.

01:16:58.400 And you called a couple of days later.

01:16:59.900 What are you doing on TV talking about me?

01:17:03.280 I said, I defended you.

01:17:04.900 Watch it.

01:17:06.860 And he said, what are you doing?

01:17:08.500 I said, nothing.

01:17:09.360 I'm driving.

01:17:10.600 Oh, my goodness.

01:17:11.340 He's hot right now.

01:17:12.120 Brian Holtzman's bullet ridden Cordoba.

01:17:17.960 God bless him.

01:17:19.260 And he said, well, come right for me.

01:17:21.020 And it wasn't the show.

01:17:22.800 I think for a year and a half, I was in a trailer just punching up, not telling people.

01:17:27.760 And one day, I showed you that I thought the story was wrong.

01:17:31.660 And your face got real serious.

01:17:33.340 And you went, you can write?

01:17:34.540 I mean, yeah.

01:17:35.640 I hate to do this to you, Alan.

01:17:37.580 And I had no idea what you meant.

01:17:39.940 But I'm going to put you on the show.

01:17:42.320 That's great.

01:17:43.120 I don't understand what's so bad about that.

01:17:46.560 First, it starts with your manager's sidekick, Green.

01:17:51.240 Says, I'll handle you, Alan.

01:17:52.800 What do I know?

01:17:54.080 He calls me up and goes, you're getting $8,000 a week.

01:17:56.340 I go, what?

01:17:57.600 The next caller is you. 1.00

01:17:59.060 Oh, fuck. 1.00

01:17:59.760 You're asking $8,000. 1.00

01:18:01.600 I go, I didn't.

01:18:02.800 And Sandra Bernhardt solved that one. 0.95

01:18:05.760 She was with you, and you told her.

01:18:07.160 And she goes, Alan?

01:18:07.980 Our Alan?

01:18:08.900 Oh, no.

01:18:09.540 He'd ask for $50,000.

01:18:11.840 That's right.

01:18:14.380 And then I went, and I took Rich Scheidner with me.

01:18:16.900 And, you know, you just don't want to make waves.

01:18:20.440 And they're already ignoring me because in their minds, I'm Tom.

01:18:24.220 Right.

01:18:24.540 And the third day, your mom had said, see if they'll do some of these ideas.

01:18:29.940 And I said, you know, Roseanne asked me to tell you these ideas.

01:18:34.840 And after that meeting, Miriam Trodden, the woman, took me outside and said, can I speak

01:18:43.700 to you?

01:18:45.620 Oh, yeah?

01:18:46.740 She's right here.

01:18:47.880 You are the lowest thing on the ladder.

01:18:50.040 I'm not even sure there's a rung for you.

01:18:52.560 I said, well, what did I do?

01:18:56.580 You don't come in and tell us what to do.

01:19:00.180 I go, I didn't tell you what to do.

01:19:01.820 I suggested some of the stars I did.

01:19:06.200 Well, that's not the way it works around here.

01:19:09.620 And I just went, well, don't make me change that.

01:19:14.700 She goes, what do you mean by that?

01:19:16.680 I go, listen, I'm playing nice because I know everybody here is waiting for me to be bad.

01:19:23.000 And I'm trying to get along with you. 1.00

01:19:25.920 But I will tell her what piece of shit you are, which I never did. 1.00

01:19:31.420 And they gave us a basketball. 1.00

01:19:34.580 What did you have at that point?

01:19:35.880 15 comics?

01:19:37.460 They gave them a basketball.

01:19:39.340 Six or seven of them, the writers, locked themselves in the room.

01:19:43.940 And these guys played basketball all day.

01:19:46.780 Alan never told me this until last week.

01:19:48.820 They wouldn't let my comics in the writer's room.

01:19:52.220 Yeah, I want to hear.

01:19:53.020 But what season was this?

01:19:54.940 Well, she's on four or five years at this point.

01:19:57.620 Okay, so go on.

01:19:59.060 And they're playing basketball.

01:20:01.760 And if you add it all up, it's a lot of money.

01:20:03.700 Yeah.

01:20:04.020 And I kept saying to them, why can't we go in that room?

01:20:08.820 Well, we're just jokes.

01:20:11.680 So they would do this.

01:20:12.940 There were so many writers, they made five groups of four or five.

01:20:17.300 And they'd go, we need a joke.

01:20:20.420 And each room had to write ten jokes for the one joke.

01:20:24.840 And then the leader of that room would go in and pitch it.

01:20:28.220 And we had a guy named Dave.

01:20:31.660 Barely could talk, right, as far as I'm concerned.

01:20:33.800 And he would pitch a joke.

01:20:35.460 And it was like stabbing it.

01:20:38.260 It was so bad.

01:20:40.460 And, you know, it's just my way I am.

01:20:45.260 About the third time, I made myself a room.

01:20:47.480 Nobody else.

01:20:48.940 And I went in and I pitched.

01:20:50.520 And they all laughed and went, what else do you have?

01:20:53.000 They go, what else do I need?

01:20:54.720 You all laughed.

01:20:56.140 And then they got mad at me.

01:20:57.640 I go, boys, I do this every night off the top of my head.

01:21:01.480 I have to be funny immediately.

01:21:03.500 I'm not going to get any funnier giving you a tenth joke.

01:21:06.840 Nobody is.

01:21:08.020 Thank you, Alan.

01:21:10.400 And they wouldn't tell me until it was in the script.

01:21:14.220 And this went on and on and on.

01:21:17.820 And I go, basketball, they're getting fat from the candy room.

01:21:21.180 It was just horrible.

01:21:22.660 And then we had Rob Ulan.

01:21:25.400 They wouldn't let the writers into the writing room?

01:21:27.940 The comics.

01:21:28.660 The comics she hired.

01:21:30.040 The people I hired.

01:21:31.160 Only the college writers.

01:21:34.140 Of course.

01:21:35.140 With no experience and no fun.

01:21:36.760 And this is four or five, so it's already number one.

01:21:39.740 Okay.

01:21:40.260 Yeah.

01:21:40.540 Tell about that one that you came down and told me went to Vassar.

01:21:45.060 They hire Carsey Warner, I think, next to the last year.

01:21:50.980 Tracy or Stacey.

01:21:52.220 And she would hide behind boxes.

01:21:55.860 She has a disease where she can't look you in the face. 1.00

01:21:58.460 And that's the co-exec Carsey Warner has hired.

01:22:01.500 And your mom says to me one day, who keeps hiding behind the boxes and the walls?

01:22:07.640 I go, your co-executive producer.

01:22:10.120 So, she decides she's going to write a script.

01:22:15.940 You know, they just assign it to each other, the six or seven.

01:22:19.580 And in it is some French.

01:22:22.380 Sure.

01:22:24.080 I think fishy choix, is that how you say it?

01:22:26.460 Something.

01:22:26.920 And something else. 0.99

01:22:29.400 And I go down there and your mom goes, who the fuck thinks the Conners speak French? 0.98

01:22:35.900 I go, well, your co-exec producer went to Vassar, and she's very blue-collar. 1.00

01:22:43.680 And I had to go tell that little girl, you got to take that shit out, man. 1.00

01:22:47.160 At best, make it a Bloody Mary with a lot of lettuce. 1.00

01:22:50.940 I mean, celery.

01:22:52.980 And then I get this from her.

01:22:54.180 You're just not a nice man.

01:22:56.400 Okay.

01:22:56.660 It's not the first time you've heard that, I'm sure.

01:23:00.300 Vassar.

01:23:01.040 Who looks at that resume?

01:23:02.180 With only wrote on one other show for a few years, but one other show.

01:23:05.380 Who says, oh, yeah, she's good for the Conner? 1.00

01:23:07.820 Carsey Warner.

01:23:09.960 So, they, and the head writer at the time, Rob Buell, oh, God.

01:23:14.700 Do you remember?

01:23:16.520 You said to me one day, go up there and straighten him out like Tom would.

01:23:20.780 So, he comes in his office, I'm sitting there, and believe me, to them, I'm like the red-headed stepchild.

01:23:28.740 What are you doing here?

01:23:32.760 Roseanne wanted me to speak to you.

01:23:35.240 You?

01:23:37.500 Yeah.

01:23:38.540 Well, about what?

01:23:40.000 I go, I'll cut to the chase. 1.00

01:23:41.520 This is her shit. 1.00

01:23:42.560 Let her sink it any way she wants. 1.00

01:23:45.500 You got to start addressing her notes.

01:23:47.660 He goes, excuse me.

01:23:49.720 Walks out.

01:23:51.200 I never see him again.

01:23:53.540 So, I leave, and I go down to your trailer.

01:23:55.720 This is what you said to me.

01:23:57.280 You made Rob Buellen cry?

01:24:00.080 He went, when he went, excuse me, he went down to you and went, how dare you send him?

01:24:07.420 Because they knew nothing about me. 0.95

01:24:08.740 It was just another crazy friend. 0.51

01:24:10.540 Right.

01:24:10.840 And he would come in and go in his office and sleep till about six or seven.

01:24:16.340 Then order pies from Dupar's across the street.

01:24:19.700 And that was supposed to appease everybody. 1.00

01:24:23.460 And after about a week, in front of all the writers, unless you're getting lobster, fucker, I'm done. 0.99

01:24:29.920 I don't work past 7.30. 0.99

01:24:35.000 Wake up.

01:24:36.420 So, he hated my guts.

01:24:39.600 But that's what he would do.

01:24:40.940 Can you believe it?

01:24:41.820 And everybody's just like, mm-hmm.

01:24:43.780 There's like 20-some people.

01:24:45.160 Mm-hmm.

01:24:47.280 Then, was it Eric then?

01:24:50.080 I don't know all the stories.

01:24:52.400 I have said every one of them, but it was just common sense.

01:24:55.320 Yeah, it seemed pretty different.

01:24:58.720 I only came to this at school.

01:25:01.180 Oh, when they made me a consultant, I went in that writer's room with the basketball.

01:25:05.940 Well, guess what's up, guys?

01:25:08.060 And I brought in all the comics.

01:25:10.320 And I handed, maybe it was the Amy Sherman.

01:25:13.540 He wasn't married to you.

01:25:14.960 Handed in the basketball.

01:25:19.060 And they hated me for two days.

01:25:20.960 And they went to Carsey Warner and said, he's making us play basketball.

01:25:23.700 So, I brought them back in.

01:25:26.200 And I said, but everybody stays now.

01:25:28.840 Even if we had to have double chairs, everybody stays.

01:25:32.140 Somebody might have a better idea.

01:25:34.540 Yeah.

01:25:35.120 And it killed those writers. 0.99

01:25:36.780 Just killed them. 1.00

01:25:37.120 They're so juvenile. 1.00

01:25:39.320 They were so juvenile.

01:25:39.780 Well, the college writers, I think, not only think they're smarter and have an attitude about them,

01:25:46.040 but I think they thought the comics, what do they know about story?

01:25:49.620 What do they know about the sitcom?

01:25:51.420 Comedy.

01:25:51.820 Yeah.

01:25:52.480 They're just...

01:25:53.700 And stories.

01:25:55.560 Like, I told her that Bob Nickman doesn't like me.

01:25:59.560 He's one of the writers that's a comic, but has gone Carsey Warner.

01:26:04.820 It's like the Civil War.

01:26:07.340 And your mom throws out a script.

01:26:10.280 And there's like two days left.

01:26:13.140 And I'm going down to see what she wants to do.

01:26:15.800 And he runs up to me and goes, here's a script.

01:26:18.380 I go, who wrote this?

01:26:19.480 Me.

01:26:19.720 I go, well, why don't you show them?

01:26:22.680 I showed them two years ago.

01:26:24.900 I go, what's it about?

01:26:26.900 John Goodman was in a band before he marries Roseanne.

01:26:30.120 And once he gets married and leaves the band, they become famous.

01:26:33.880 Like, give me that script.

01:26:35.200 And that's all I said to you.

01:26:36.380 I went, do it.

01:26:37.620 And we got the blues drivers and it was a great show. 1.00

01:26:40.340 Only because that kid went, Alan's crazy enough to tell these people to fuck off. 1.00

01:26:45.280 Two years. 1.00

01:26:47.700 Because they didn't write it.

01:26:49.420 Right.

01:26:50.040 But what about when, well, the thing that real Roseanne Colt viewers love is the 50s show. 0.55

01:26:57.620 How about when, well, didn't we write that in about 20 minutes?

01:27:00.740 Well, you know what happened?

01:27:02.080 And this is why I love you.

01:27:03.300 Whenever I have an idea, you don't poo-poo it.

01:27:06.120 I had had a dream.

01:27:08.180 And, you know, I know every old sitcom and it was Ozzy and Harriet.

01:27:11.880 And there was an episode where Ricky wants to be in the band and Dad wants him to play football.

01:27:18.960 And I thought, wouldn't it be funny to do that with DJ and Goodman?

01:27:24.920 And he said, that's a great idea.

01:27:27.420 And then I was talking and we went, maybe we should just set it then.

01:27:32.740 And then we did the lost episode thing, which I thought was clever because everybody had a lost episode.

01:27:41.040 Carsey Warner sends a note down. 0.99

01:27:42.780 What the fuck is this? 0.99

01:27:45.360 But Bob Meyer got it. 1.00

01:27:47.980 And he's the one that came up with the commercials.

01:27:51.180 And Goodman might have said two words to me.

01:27:53.580 When we were filming that, he pulled me aside and said, this show never won an Emmy.

01:27:58.100 And I believe you just did it.

01:28:00.340 Never talked to me after that.

01:28:01.760 But he was so excited and had so much fun, as did everybody, playing those parts.

01:28:08.420 And the writers say, I say to them, it's going to open with Roseanne in a row.

01:28:14.980 And he said, get you a thing that made the cigarette longer. 0.89

01:28:18.600 And I said, and she's going to say she's crazy.

01:28:20.580 And they went, what? 0.85

01:28:22.140 Well, who's going to tell her?

01:28:23.820 I go, tell her what? 0.99

01:28:24.960 I said, she's got to say she's crazy. 0.95

01:28:26.500 I go, I went down and I go, we got to do a little thing.

01:28:30.940 And he looked at me and says, I got it.

01:28:33.360 And he went, this Tonight Show is a lost episode.

01:28:37.380 Like my mind or something like that.

01:28:39.520 It was very good.

01:28:40.380 And then I got in trouble with Carsey Warner because I broke down the set without asking.

01:28:47.260 We put up a 50s set.

01:28:49.760 So I got to know, that's 250,000, Alan.

01:28:53.180 And I say to Courtney, so I know not to ask, just do it.

01:28:59.580 And they put a white picket fence around the house.

01:29:03.400 They changed the music.

01:29:05.520 And I don't like Carsey Warner.

01:29:08.460 And do you remember they said in the trades when that fight was going on with Goobin?

01:29:12.420 Well, that's our Rosie. 0.90

01:29:14.180 So the name of that episode was That's Our Rosie.

01:29:18.160 It was the 50s show, but it opened with an iris like the old ones.

01:29:21.860 And then when they go to the commercial, they go, that's Our Rosie. 0.99

01:29:26.260 Motherfucker, how's that? 0.99

01:29:28.340 Yes, they were always so supportive of me. 1.00

01:29:30.640 They never even put it up.

01:29:32.360 They would have won an Emmy.

01:29:33.340 They never, because it was me.

01:29:35.220 Even Bob Meyer went, Alan, this is so damn funny.

01:29:38.100 But their thing was, it's not Roseanne.

01:29:39.960 When you say never put it up, that means that.

01:29:42.020 For an Emmy.

01:29:42.460 They never put any of our shows up for an Emmy.

01:29:45.400 That means, how does that.

01:29:46.420 Never was even nominated.

01:29:47.920 You have to, when you say put it up, Carsey Warner has to.

01:29:49.920 Yeah, the actors were.

01:29:50.760 Yeah, the producers have to put up. 0.93

01:29:53.540 Carsey Warner.

01:29:54.520 Yeah, the show never won an Emmy, did it?

01:29:56.080 They did every kind of, everything subtle to take me down as far as they could take me.

01:30:02.580 They did.

01:30:03.280 With everybody they hired, the way they ran the place.

01:30:06.220 It's easier to explain now. 0.99

01:30:08.300 But at the time, I was so caught up on it, I just wanted to kill them all. 0.98

01:30:12.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:30:12.180 They called me behind my back, Luca Brazzi.

01:30:15.860 That's a compliment.

01:30:17.000 Yeah. 0.93

01:30:17.100 The Godfather killer.

01:30:19.720 Because I had no, like, she hired some Denver comics.

01:30:25.460 And Tom was doing McHale's Navy.

01:30:28.020 Oh, God.

01:30:28.720 And I happened to come in early one day, and I see they're writing McHale's Navy three years.

01:30:34.120 On my dime, in my office.

01:30:36.360 But I'm fair.

01:30:37.760 I'm fair.

01:30:38.620 Mm-hmm.

01:30:39.360 But I work for her.

01:30:41.240 Right.

01:30:41.780 And I looked at them, and I said, you know, did he tell you you're going to get credit?

01:30:46.440 And I said, yeah.

01:30:47.040 And I go, let me explain.

01:30:48.500 You have to rewrite three quarters of this script to get credit, not touch it up.

01:30:53.140 He's lying to you.

01:30:55.200 Is he paying you?

01:30:56.280 And we think a little bit.

01:30:58.760 I go, well, then I would do it off of Roseanne's time.

01:31:01.860 I'm not going to say anything, but if she finds out, I'm not denying it.

01:31:06.560 And I waited about three days and told them.

01:31:08.820 Good.

01:31:09.380 That's a good idea.

01:31:10.020 I fired them.

01:31:10.180 And they hated me ever since.

01:31:12.200 I fired them.

01:31:13.020 They all went on to work.

01:31:14.920 It was Matt Berry and the Ager. 0.92

01:31:16.220 Day and night. 1.00

01:31:17.100 And that David idiot with the 18 kids or whatever. 1.00

01:31:21.380 No, he wasn't one of the Denver writers. 1.00

01:31:23.660 No, but he was in that room with them.

01:31:25.460 You know, because he was the, I guess they thought he was the more experienced writer.

01:31:32.280 But when I came there, those Denver guys couldn't believe I was, oh, this guy's so funny.

01:31:36.760 You're going to love him.

01:31:38.680 And then when I saw the attitude of the writers, he played basketball.

01:31:42.800 I could be home getting high.

01:31:44.480 It wasn't even about money.

01:31:45.440 I can waste my time better.

01:31:49.680 You know what I mean?

01:31:51.940 Basketball.

01:31:52.620 Tell about when Goodman came in when he was busy doing Shakespeare down in La Jolla.

01:31:59.580 Yeah, I want some dirt.

01:32:00.360 Couldn't be on the Roseanne Show anymore.

01:32:03.100 Because he's too busy doing Shakespeare. 0.99

01:32:05.080 This is how shitty Carsey Warner is. 0.95

01:32:06.780 It's the last year of the show. 0.87

01:32:08.100 And they say, John Goodman only has to do seven or nine of them.

01:32:13.420 How do you wrap up a show?

01:32:15.160 Yeah.

01:32:15.780 And you guys knew it was the last season.

01:32:17.280 So it was one of my arguments when they didn't want her to win the lottery.

01:32:21.880 Yeah.

01:32:22.400 In fact, we weren't even talking.

01:32:23.760 We were fighting.

01:32:24.280 You called me up and said, they don't.

01:32:25.740 I said, well, it's not their show.

01:32:27.460 And I went and made sure it was that.

01:32:30.840 But my argument was, we don't have John Goodman.

01:32:34.780 How do you wrap up the show? 0.69

01:32:36.000 Can I kill him in the third episode and move on? 0.97

01:32:38.280 Yeah. 0.99

01:32:38.580 Oh, we don't want that.

01:32:40.200 I go, well, what do you want?

01:32:41.960 Right.

01:32:42.440 So then they gave in and I wasn't smart enough to keep pushing.

01:32:46.760 They wouldn't change the set.

01:32:49.060 Who wins 300 million and stays in that house?

01:32:52.380 Right. 1.00

01:32:52.920 And that was their fuck you to us. 1.00

01:32:54.940 Yeah. 1.00

01:32:55.180 Go ahead, do your little fantasy. 1.00

01:32:57.460 And your mom turns to me the third show and goes, they're fucking us. 1.00

01:33:01.000 And we can't make this a dream. 1.00

01:33:03.120 They'll kill us.

01:33:05.140 And just like this, year two, John built me an office in the basement so I could be a writer.

01:33:13.760 Find that clip. 0.96

01:33:17.620 And that's, I think shortly after that is when we decided we're going to kill him off. 0.84

01:33:21.660 And everything would be the book.

01:33:23.460 That year was all the book.

01:33:25.200 And I thought it was very clever.

01:33:26.720 And we got beat up like everybody does with an ending show.

01:33:30.820 Yeah.

01:33:31.060 But if you research it now, everything says, dare you not to cry.

01:33:36.380 Dare you not to cry.

01:33:38.080 Unbelievable.

01:33:39.240 What a positive message at the end.

01:33:41.360 And a couple colleges had a course on it.

01:33:44.860 Yeah.

01:33:45.220 And what happens when poor get rich and use that as an example.

01:33:48.680 I always, because I know you got beat up on that, but like, it's always funny to me.

01:33:54.200 I was, I wasn't working on the show.

01:33:55.920 Well, it was a great way to talk about class.

01:33:58.420 Well, remember when they went to the Kennedy, when the family went to the Kennedy.

01:34:02.840 The best of that was we almost had a Kennedy, that Dina Merle.

01:34:06.420 Yeah.

01:34:07.120 It was American royalty.

01:34:08.840 They're Marjorie Post.

01:34:10.600 Mar-a-Largo was her summer home.

01:34:12.260 Yeah, that was her home.

01:34:13.040 So she had that air of being a Kennedy. 1.00

01:34:17.020 And I got to tell you, I personally liked that episode.

01:34:19.700 It was just.

01:34:20.920 I love it.

01:34:21.980 It's got that Indian guy.

01:34:23.960 That Indian guy is so funny.

01:34:25.200 You know, he's in a lot of movies.

01:34:26.240 He's so famous now.

01:34:28.120 Yeah.

01:34:29.180 I didn't know if you knew that.

01:34:30.280 Or I can't remember like the real like kind of.

01:34:33.180 And one of the terrorists on the train when we did that one was Lawrence Hilton Jacob.

01:34:38.660 I know.

01:34:39.560 So we had some cool people.

01:34:40.680 What I want to say real quick is that the Connors was based off my mother's life.

01:34:46.400 DJ here, sisters. 0.99

01:34:48.280 She really did win the lottery in real life.

01:34:50.880 She was a stand-up, moved to L.A., gets a number one show. 1.00

01:34:54.500 So I always said that last season, because we, you know, sometimes people would say shit. 0.97

01:34:58.780 That was probably the most realistic part of the Roseanne show, because that really happened to us. 0.97

01:35:04.120 If they would have let us do what she really wanted, we would have gotten another two years.

01:35:07.480 Probably.

01:35:08.000 Even if the others left, which they wanted them gone.

01:35:10.480 Yeah.

01:35:10.680 I don't know if you know this.

01:35:11.840 They wanted to keep the show going with your mom and the new baby. 1.00

01:35:15.880 Get rid of everybody else.

01:35:17.400 That's how much they loved everybody.

01:35:19.060 Yeah.

01:35:19.360 Get rid of Goodman.

01:35:20.120 Get rid of all of them.

01:35:21.380 Move her to Vegas with, and I think our idea was you'd be seamstresses for a show, but live in the Vegas ghetto. 1.00

01:35:28.700 And when I'm telling Stu Bloomberg this, he goes, there's no ghetto in Vegas.

01:35:35.240 They go, have you ever been there?

01:35:36.300 He goes, yeah.

01:35:36.680 I go, have you gone off the strip at all?

01:35:39.100 And there was a ghetto.

01:35:40.100 And there was a ghetto.

01:35:42.020 And, you know, Whoopi said she'd do it.

01:35:44.700 We had 30 days.

01:35:45.980 Carsey Warner waited too long.

01:35:47.640 But they're putting in the paper, show's done.

01:35:49.840 Show's done.

01:35:50.860 When they're secretly, they don't want to give up the money.

01:35:53.180 No.

01:35:53.580 Believe me, they don't want to give up the money.

01:35:54.780 Well, not until now.

01:35:55.940 Then they wanted to give it up.

01:35:56.860 And, uh, different time.

01:36:00.620 If they would have let us really change the house and really go for what happens, when all of a sudden you're nothing and you can do anything.

01:36:10.280 That was the whole idea.

01:36:12.020 Yeah. 1.00

01:36:12.420 And, you know, once they put us in that house and then whoever decorated it, that was another fuck you to us. 1.00

01:36:20.160 It was shit didn't even make sense with the dinosaur still on the shelf. 1.00

01:36:24.440 Everything was a fuck you. 1.00

01:36:27.300 Now I look back. 1.00

01:36:28.380 I mean, they did fuck me like they always wanted to. 0.99

01:36:30.220 Well, I thought I was clever because with that deal, I got you two more trailers. 0.99

01:36:35.040 That's why you had a separate wardrobe one and a separate makeup one.

01:36:38.720 And I got that by going, hey, what's that little three-bedroom rancher doing next to the Sybil's studio? 0.99

01:36:46.420 Well, that's her dressing room. 1.00

01:36:49.180 I guess, you know, Roseanne has to walk by her. 1.00

01:36:51.760 Yeah. 0.98

01:36:51.980 And she's been getting her makeup done all these years and squeezing her ass into where they do the clothing. 1.00

01:36:59.900 You build her a three-bedroom ranch house? 1.00

01:37:05.380 This ain't going to be good.

01:37:07.960 And Tom Warner goes, well, how can we keep it quiet?

01:37:12.080 Well, give us a wardrobe trail.

01:37:13.760 You know, give us some room.

01:37:15.520 Well, we're not making that much money.

01:37:19.340 And I would go, I know, I know, you're a charity.

01:37:22.900 I know.

01:37:25.000 And they gave it because I remember your mom.

01:37:27.240 I mean, they must have hated me from the day it went to number one.

01:37:31.280 They hated my best.

01:37:31.560 Here's where they hated you. 1.00

01:37:33.400 First, they screwed you. 0.96

01:37:35.680 It should say, at best, co-created Bob. 0.98

01:37:38.380 No, I knew that.

01:37:39.420 And then they hire a guy who proceeds to think it's his show.

01:37:44.020 Oh, they put me in terrible positions, but I never went down, and they hated me that I didn't go down.

01:37:49.840 Well, it's what I said to that Margaret Cho's manager.

01:37:52.200 Yeah.

01:37:52.840 Why did you hire her if you don't want her to be herself? 1.00

01:37:55.900 Because I remember you telling me, the guy's going, Roseanne wouldn't say that.

01:37:59.300 And you're screaming, I'm Roseanne. 0.99

01:38:01.220 I mean, how dumb do you have to be not to understand that? 1.00

01:38:03.640 They're just sadistic thieves. 0.99

01:38:05.880 Well, they hire comics and then go, but can you do it this way? 0.96

01:38:09.560 What did you hire them for?

01:38:10.960 Yeah, hire that guy. 0.63

01:38:11.560 It makes no sense.

01:38:12.760 Yeah.

01:38:13.880 And then when she went number one, you know, the country only heard one side.

01:38:18.340 Yeah.

01:38:19.240 The side they released.

01:38:20.680 She gives writers numbers.

01:38:22.200 She screams. 0.51

01:38:22.980 She walks off. 0.96

01:38:24.700 When I got there and saw what was really going on, I felt terrible for her.

01:38:30.000 Yeah.

01:38:30.160 Because they had mentally tortured her for a lot of years.

01:38:33.600 They brought her back 20 years later and did it again.

01:38:36.360 Yeah.

01:38:36.600 I saw it. 0.99

01:38:37.200 I was stupid. 0.99

01:38:38.200 I go, oh, all's forgiven. 0.99

01:38:39.820 It's all a beautiful room.

01:38:41.160 No, I'm sure.

01:38:41.620 I'm sure.

01:38:42.460 I'm positive this was one of their conversations. 1.00

01:38:46.700 Well, if she starts her shit again, we'll just get rid of her. 1.00

01:38:49.900 Yeah. 1.00

01:38:51.460 And that's why I'm saying they were just waiting.

01:38:55.460 Yeah.

01:38:55.760 Yeah.

01:38:56.020 That's so weird because you, I mean, why wouldn't they just love you?

01:39:01.060 You've given, like, it's not just a number one show.

01:39:03.820 You know what happened to you. 0.97

01:39:04.840 Because they're sadistic pricks. 0.96

01:39:06.940 And with billionaires, they become know-it-alls. 0.97

01:39:09.240 Right.

01:39:09.680 But this is like one of the most famous shows ever to the greatest television.

01:39:13.040 Listen, Tom calls me in at the end and said, here's how the show's going to end.

01:39:18.500 She's going to become a comedian. 1.00

01:39:21.680 And I said, is that your idea?

01:39:22.520 Exactly like Seinfeld.

01:39:23.880 I go, is that your idea?

01:39:24.860 He goes, yes.

01:39:26.560 And I go, no offense.

01:39:27.380 I put it on your desk two and a half years ago.

01:39:29.640 Yeah. 0.99

01:39:30.060 I don't care whose fucking idea it is. 0.99

01:39:32.940 You make it happen. 0.99

01:39:34.480 You make sure you tell her. 1.00

01:39:36.500 And you know I'm a little shit. 1.00

01:39:38.100 Real comedy. 1.00

01:39:38.860 Oh, you can bet I'm going to tell her, Tom.

01:39:42.180 And I went right to Arrowhead and told you. 1.00

01:39:44.900 That's all the fuck. 0.99

01:39:46.500 I mean, just this- 0.99

01:39:48.520 What about tell- 0.97

01:39:49.460 Arrogant. 1.00

01:39:50.060 They're arrogant. 1.00

01:39:52.720 Which one did you want to hear? 0.97

01:39:53.900 No, I-

01:39:55.280 Want to hear about the joke book?

01:39:57.580 No, that one's sickening. 0.71

01:40:00.020 It's really sickening.

01:40:02.220 Yeah, tell that one.

01:40:04.020 So, all those jokes we would write?

01:40:08.220 When you weren't playing basketball?

01:40:09.880 Yeah.

01:40:10.240 Yeah.

01:40:10.420 I never asked what happened to all the ones they don't use.

01:40:14.380 Well, I'm not privy because I'm not an executive right now.

01:40:18.060 I'm not playing basketball.

01:40:19.340 And she would leave.

01:40:21.060 And she walked off, call us back in and make us write another 50 jokes. 1.00

01:40:25.440 Well, when I became the executive assistant, it would be a little pushy.

01:40:31.700 One day, it just occurred to me, and I said to the lovely girl who was my assistant, what

01:40:36.560 happens to all those jokes?

01:40:39.440 Two of them, just for the season that was happening, it's this thick.

01:40:45.860 And I said, where'd that come from?

01:40:49.380 Oh, it's been here since day one.

01:40:52.660 I went down, put it down.

01:40:54.200 Your mom went, what is this?

01:40:55.760 I go, you tell me.

01:40:56.660 Where'd you get this?

01:40:59.340 And I tell her, I go, from now on, pick a joke you like. 1.00

01:41:03.220 If you don't like any of those, call me direct, and I'll fix it, because they're assholes. 0.99

01:41:09.180 Never walked off again. 0.99

01:41:11.140 She loved going through that book and making the decision, or making a joke better, where

01:41:16.540 they'd make the decision for her, let her walk off, and then tell Carsey Warner she's 0.74

01:41:20.320 crazy.

01:41:20.680 The last year of the show, ABC gets a new girl that has to read the scripts and give 0.99

01:41:28.220 you notes.

01:41:29.660 And of course, no exec's been on that set for years, and no notes are taken, but she's

01:41:36.060 new.

01:41:37.180 And she goes, I was told you want to accept them.

01:41:40.240 I go, well, who told you that?

01:41:43.020 Well, it's a known fact.

01:41:44.700 They're a nightmare over there, and I go, I don't know where you get this.

01:41:48.800 I'll gladly listen to your notes.

01:41:52.680 I don't say a word to your mother.

01:41:54.800 It's Monday.

01:41:56.120 Thursday, every one of her notes have naturally come out in the process.

01:42:03.280 So I call her up and thank her.

01:42:05.100 Really?

01:42:06.460 Now I learn she wanted to be a journalist. 1.00

01:42:08.920 You know, I'm getting shit out of her. 1.00

01:42:11.120 About the fourth time, she says, you know, these jokes, I go, you're not going to win 0.99

01:42:14.720 all of them.

01:42:15.220 I've been pretty good, and I haven't done a thing.

01:42:17.540 But she just doesn't understand the process.

01:42:21.280 So that's how funny your mother is. 0.83

01:42:24.380 I say to her, why don't you come to the show one night?

01:42:27.120 Oh, nobody's allowed on that show.

01:42:30.180 I go, where'd you hear that?

01:42:32.360 And she's sitting in the front.

01:42:34.140 And at the end of the show, I say to your mom, when we go by that lady to say, hey, 0.82

01:42:39.340 hi. 0.99

01:42:40.380 And you turn to me and went, is that a fucking executive? 0.99

01:42:44.040 That's quick. 1.00

01:42:44.920 Didn't even know the woman.

01:42:45.980 She's brand new.

01:42:47.860 But after that, she couldn't go back to the others.

01:42:50.880 She'd go back and go, I don't know what you're talking about. 0.96

01:42:52.640 They're very nice over there.

01:42:55.000 All the years, whatever happened, her fault.

01:42:58.460 Oh, I thought you didn't allow executives.

01:43:00.080 I always thought that.

01:43:01.300 I did.

01:43:02.140 I banned them from the, like, when we went number one.

01:43:05.220 I said, you're no longer welcome here to Tom Warner and Marcy Carsey.

01:43:09.580 I think that's the greatest. 0.99

01:43:10.320 I don't want to take your notes and I don't want to hear your shit. 1.00

01:43:13.240 You tried to kill me. 1.00

01:43:16.500 Yeah.

01:43:17.100 Why would I go back in business with them?

01:43:19.540 Didn't they try to get rid of you, go to John and Laurie?

01:43:22.200 Yeah, they tried to steal my show in the beginning.

01:43:24.080 How would you feel about not having her?

01:43:27.260 What?

01:43:27.780 They tried to kick you off the first season, I thought.

01:43:29.760 Mm-hmm.

01:43:30.480 Well, that show was originally something and stuff.

01:43:35.560 What did they call it? 0.89

01:43:36.180 Oh, Life and Stuff or some other shit. 0.96

01:43:38.620 That was the name of the show. 1.00

01:43:40.600 When I saw that, I went fucking ape shit. 1.00

01:43:43.980 You lived in the house off of Encino. 0.99

01:43:48.480 And I remember saying to you, this isn't good because they had recently got rid of that Valerie Harper.

01:43:54.400 Mm-hmm.

01:43:54.940 Because it wasn't in her name. 1.00

01:43:56.660 And I just remember you went, those motherfuckers. 1.00

01:44:01.840 Then it became Roseanne. 1.00

01:44:03.340 Yeah.

01:44:03.800 Which made it a little harder for them.

01:44:05.920 But they still tried.

01:44:06.660 Not that they didn't try.

01:44:07.440 Well, they eventually succeeded.

01:44:09.340 Yeah, they still.

01:44:10.320 Maybe that was what it was about. 1.00

01:44:11.880 They were sadistic thieves. 0.93

01:44:13.380 I remember Tom Warner took us to New York on his private jet. 0.95

01:44:17.140 And I thought, well, this is going nice.

01:44:19.140 It's going to be different this time.

01:44:21.040 We got in a car on our way to New York and we're talking.

01:44:24.100 And I was saying about, you know, it's great to have a mother-centered home back on TV.

01:44:32.020 And he, this one, my skin went, my blood ran cold.

01:44:37.680 He goes, just like this, looking out the window, I hated my mother. 0.99

01:44:42.120 And I went, oh, God, this is a bad fucking thing right now. 0.98

01:44:47.480 There it is. 0.99

01:44:48.220 He said it's so blood cold.

01:44:51.000 And I was like, something is going to happen.

01:44:54.840 You know, they found a formula.

01:44:56.320 There it is.

01:44:56.840 Get a comic, give them a show.

01:44:58.100 Yeah.

01:44:58.500 And then they proceed to try.

01:45:01.020 It's so, I just don't understand.

01:45:03.780 Even, I used to say this to the writers.

01:45:06.340 She's a comedian. 1.00

01:45:07.760 She goes in front of audiences.

01:45:09.840 You sit here drinking Cokes and talking about it.

01:45:14.400 Yeah.

01:45:14.920 Why do you think you know what's funny?

01:45:18.040 I said, at least hear her thoughts.

01:45:19.900 She's a comedian. 1.00

01:45:21.180 Forget it's her show.

01:45:24.500 That's crazy.

01:45:25.700 It's beyond crazy.

01:45:26.780 Yeah.

01:45:27.420 And to think that that wheel kept turning.

01:45:30.300 And it kept turning because of her.

01:45:32.220 Yeah.

01:45:32.460 I mean, how many magazines, how many everything?

01:45:35.320 She turning that wheel. 1.00

01:45:36.700 I always thought you ran the, everyone always says you ran the writer's room and you were

01:45:40.460 the best. 0.91

01:45:41.800 I mean, even Judd Apatow or fucking Joss Whedon, they give you credit. 0.84

01:45:47.000 I mean, I did, you know, there were friendly times when I went up there, but I always kind 0.93

01:45:51.760 of ran it through Alan.

01:45:53.580 I mean, I took my ideas up there.

01:45:56.100 It's them against her.

01:45:57.380 I mean, I just couldn't go up to the room because when I did, they'd go, or, you know,

01:46:00.880 I'd say my idea, oh, that's so funny. 1.00

01:46:02.980 Or it could happen that a guy comes in and greases you and fucks you in the ass. 1.00

01:46:08.640 I'm like, that one, or like I go, and then this was dark. 1.00

01:46:14.620 Good idea.

01:46:15.800 Or they never.

01:46:18.720 So that's why I needed a man.

01:46:20.920 That's why I got Tom.

01:46:22.520 Yeah.

01:46:22.780 Who never did anything but, you know.

01:46:25.880 And promote himself.

01:46:26.640 Do himself.

01:46:27.800 But then when Alan came, I was like, take these ideas up and get them serviced.

01:46:33.100 And he did.

01:46:33.720 That's crazy. 1.00

01:46:34.160 It's your fucking show. 1.00

01:46:35.300 It's your name. 1.00

01:46:35.840 Yeah, I had to go through all that.

01:46:37.360 And then.

01:46:37.440 Well, that was my line.

01:46:38.400 It's her show.

01:46:39.340 Well, we don't like what she's doing.

01:46:40.940 It's her right to sink it any way she wants if that's what you think she's doing. 1.00

01:46:45.740 But you got to stop it.

01:46:48.240 And.

01:46:48.760 It was everyday torture.

01:46:51.120 And I mean, for real.

01:46:52.140 None of it was as torturous as when I went back.

01:46:55.640 They doubled down. 1.00

01:46:57.240 I thought it was, you know, I believed all that shit. 0.99

01:46:59.480 Well, you know, when they doubled down, it's with the Trump stuff. 0.99

01:47:04.060 Yeah.

01:47:04.680 And they knew it.

01:47:05.940 And I thought they were all for it.

01:47:07.860 Well, here's what you do when you're a writer on a show and it's not your show.

01:47:12.540 At worst, you say to the star, can we show both sides?

01:47:16.320 Can Lori be a Democrat? 1.00

01:47:18.400 No, that was my idea.

01:47:19.660 That's what I'm saying.

01:47:20.860 No, they didn't want.

01:47:21.600 But they didn't want to talk anything but their version of politics.

01:47:25.820 Yeah.

01:47:26.220 Well, they're.

01:47:26.600 But it's not their show.

01:47:28.820 Well, that's just Hollywood.

01:47:30.420 But I do know a really important moment we've talked about a couple of times.

01:47:34.680 I think they just really got off on rubbing my face in the dirt from day one.

01:47:37.700 Well, remember the president said next season before you got fired, it's not going to be as political.

01:47:44.080 Remember?

01:47:44.420 That's why you got mad.

01:47:46.260 That's what I'm saying.

01:47:46.960 They were already hunting.

01:47:48.800 No, that's why.

01:47:49.860 I mean, mom's admitted this on the podcast before, but that was right before the famous tweet.

01:47:55.920 Yeah.

01:47:56.040 She read the president of ABC said it's not going to be political. 1.00

01:47:58.860 It's not her fucking show. 0.99

01:48:00.560 And why wouldn't it be political? 0.99

01:48:01.660 I was like, who told you that?

01:48:02.400 Yeah.

01:48:02.780 So she hinted.

01:48:03.000 And it's not going to be political next year.

01:48:05.040 It's the biggest thing on TV at the time.

01:48:06.980 Biggest thing.

01:48:07.580 And he doesn't get it?

01:48:08.860 No.

01:48:09.820 No, they were mad.

01:48:10.800 It was the same thing.

01:48:11.900 I mean, we've told this story before.

01:48:13.120 They were mad because I wasn't trashing Trump.

01:48:15.240 They were mad because it opened at 24 million and it was.

01:48:18.420 28.

01:48:18.880 28.

01:48:20.120 But even then, it wasn't Trump is Satan.

01:48:22.960 Believe me.

01:48:23.460 He's going to prison.

01:48:23.700 They did not expect what happened.

01:48:25.720 We all did.

01:48:26.460 We all knew.

01:48:27.420 I mean, that's the middle America she started the first season.

01:48:30.280 I knew it was going to win.

01:48:31.040 Not just that.

01:48:31.720 That's middle America. 0.85

01:48:32.640 No, I'm talking about your show.

01:48:33.600 They didn't think it was going to be a success release set.

01:48:36.440 I knew it was going to be huge.

01:48:37.400 I did too.

01:48:37.920 That's America.

01:48:38.920 I don't think they believed it.

01:48:39.440 I think they thought, you know, like the other ones they were redoing.

01:48:43.180 We'll do, you know, half a season or something.

01:48:44.680 No, they didn't.

01:48:45.720 They think Trump has like, it's 40 KKK members that support Trump.

01:48:50.840 That's what they think in LA.

01:48:52.860 It's like, oh, it's just a couple of January Sixers.

01:48:54.900 They don't understand.

01:48:55.860 It's middle America. 0.79

01:48:57.040 It's working class. 0.73

01:48:57.880 But you're also not hired to have an opinion.

01:49:00.280 And when I was up in that room with like a hundred libtard writers. 1.00

01:49:05.300 That's what it was.

01:49:06.320 I mean, it was just racist to the max and I couldn't take it anymore.

01:49:12.880 And then they had, yeah, like ABC was being run by BLM.

01:49:22.320 It seemed like it, didn't it?

01:49:25.400 They give me that look.

01:49:26.600 You know, when you, you know, when a Jew hater looks at you, you can smell it coming from a mile away. 1.00

01:49:32.880 You know, that look was like, you know, it was all the, my Jew dar was off the fucking maps with their shit. 1.00

01:49:41.680 Because they're looking racist, Trump supporter. 1.00

01:49:46.140 Not, I mean, because that's their whole thing is like, Jews are at the top. 1.00

01:49:52.280 They're the whitest of the white. 1.00

01:49:54.260 Because they're fucking Nazis. 1.00

01:49:56.120 You remember the showrunner said to you, because he has no depth. 1.00

01:50:00.920 And he said to you, he said something about a joke.

01:50:03.840 And he goes, their attention span, you got to get right to it.

01:50:06.200 You can't have story.

01:50:08.060 Yes.

01:50:10.620 What?

01:50:11.880 Yeah.

01:50:12.760 Because, you know, the shows he did are all jokey shows.

01:50:16.820 But when she, after that first meeting, I knew there was a problem.

01:50:21.900 Yeah.

01:50:22.480 Because she left there and went, he went there all happy.

01:50:25.180 And he called me afterwards and said, I don't think they're listening to the word I have.

01:50:29.080 No, I remember going to the set.

01:50:30.480 It was really like clicky.

01:50:31.800 It was mom and everybody else. 0.99

01:50:33.860 And they were treating her like some kind of fucking weird leopard. 0.99

01:50:36.300 Where they had to work with. 0.99

01:50:37.560 That's why I'm thinking they were waiting.

01:50:39.740 They were.

01:50:40.700 They were.

01:50:41.360 Of course.

01:50:41.880 Whether it was that or something else. 0.99

01:50:43.620 It was like being black in a Klan meeting. 0.97

01:50:45.060 Yeah. 0.89

01:50:45.800 That's what it felt like every day to go in there.

01:50:47.920 I was like, you've got to do it.

01:50:50.140 And you were so calm.

01:50:51.480 Like, I remember, I was around the first time.

01:50:53.320 Well, there were still some boys and writers from the original show.

01:50:56.180 Yeah.

01:50:56.760 Because that's one of the reasons they didn't want to hire me.

01:50:59.560 Yeah.

01:50:59.740 They went to them and said, no, no.

01:51:01.860 That guy will do exactly what she wants.

01:51:04.760 Right.

01:51:05.160 They don't want that.

01:51:05.940 No. 1.00

01:51:06.940 That's when I realized that I was going to drop the nuke on the whole fucking show. 1.00

01:51:14.840 And you did. 1.00

01:51:15.820 I had it.

01:51:16.680 No.

01:51:17.340 Thank you.

01:51:18.000 Again, I've said this before.

01:51:19.100 Admit this.

01:51:19.380 And I was like, you know what I'm going to do?

01:51:21.160 You did it.

01:51:22.220 I was drunk. 1.00

01:51:23.820 And now I'm being fucking happy and shit. 0.99

01:51:25.000 This is what I want to hear. 0.99

01:51:26.340 This is much better. 0.99

01:51:27.040 I was like, motherfucker, I'm going to say it like it is. 0.99

01:51:31.200 You did. 1.00

01:51:31.660 But it wasn't racist.

01:51:33.140 You never said.

01:51:33.720 Well, nothing to do with words they said you said.

01:51:36.480 No.

01:51:36.720 You know, you had a reporter.

01:51:38.480 You said, well, talk to Alan.

01:51:40.040 You know.

01:51:40.760 And the first thing, you know, nobody likes me because I'm very direct.

01:51:43.880 And I went, wait, is this a hatch a piece?

01:51:47.480 Well, no.

01:51:48.520 By no means.

01:51:50.320 No.

01:51:50.580 And when she called her a monkey, I went, she never said that.

01:51:54.900 The racist tweet. 0.96

01:51:56.040 And I am done talking to you because you're lying. 0.71

01:51:59.540 Yeah.

01:51:59.680 And I hung up one of them.

01:52:00.840 And I called your mom.

01:52:01.640 I go, he's not a good guy.

01:52:02.860 It was a girl.

01:52:03.780 Not a good guy.

01:52:04.580 Everything was Roseanne's racist tweet.

01:52:06.720 They still say it.

01:52:07.320 I said.

01:52:08.200 It's hilarious.

01:52:08.500 And may I reiterate, because it's happening right now.

01:52:12.040 It's the perfect time to say it.

01:52:13.720 But you knew you.

01:52:14.300 I thought I made a mistake because I thought everybody was hip to the Muslim Brotherhood and how they 1.00

01:52:20.540 had control of America because of Obama and Valerie Jarrett and the Iran deal.

01:52:25.380 They still don't.

01:52:26.120 And they still don't.

01:52:27.440 No.

01:52:27.640 Seven years later.

01:52:28.440 It's the Jews. 1.00

01:52:29.120 And I must say, I don't know anybody that didn't know that that woman wasn't white. 0.57

01:52:34.360 Yeah.

01:52:35.260 I thought she was white. 1.00

01:52:36.340 I thought the bitch was white. 1.00

01:52:38.720 That's why I wanted, like, well, you. 1.00

01:52:42.800 I love it because when these people, these protesters and these leftists, well, I wanted to show

01:52:50.400 what racist they are.

01:52:51.460 Thank you.

01:52:52.020 That's what I wanted you to talk about.

01:52:53.400 I wanted it to come back to where, hey, when the militarized police force of the Democrats

01:53:00.820 comes and locks you up because you spoke wrong, think of the movie Planet of the Apes.

01:53:07.160 Or finds you guilty on 34 felonies that didn't exist two years ago.

01:53:10.540 Yeah.

01:53:10.980 And the Muslim Brotherhood, another of their genius plots against America. 1.00

01:53:15.460 Mm-hmm. 1.00

01:53:16.380 Then you can come over here and kiss my rosy red ass. 1.00

01:53:20.060 Yeah. 1.00

01:53:20.340 Well, they're finding out.

01:53:21.380 And I said, and the Iran deal is going to destroy Israel.

01:53:25.840 Well, look what happened on October 6th.

01:53:27.900 But here's the big part.

01:53:29.080 My tweet was a prophecy. 1.00

01:53:31.280 The motherfuckers knew it because I said Muslim Brotherhood. 1.00

01:53:34.500 And that's why I got fired, not because of the other part. 1.00

01:53:38.060 Yeah, you can't call Voldemort Voldemort and you can't say Muslim Brotherhood.

01:53:42.740 You can't do it now because they're in charge.

01:53:44.780 Well, I'm saying it all the time and I'm noticing that a lot more people are saying it.

01:53:48.160 Because we're stepping up.

01:53:48.920 Since I got into saying Muslim Brotherhood, those are the people that are teaching America 1.00

01:53:55.440 to be anti-Semitic.

01:53:56.760 We do it every week here on the Roseanne Bar Podcast. 1.00

01:53:58.620 And Obama's fake peace deal of his horseshit, that warmongering piece of crap. 1.00

01:54:08.180 Well, wasn't that the problem with the ABC president? 1.00

01:54:10.900 Wasn't she like an Obama? 1.00

01:54:12.780 Oh, yeah.

01:54:13.060 She's a BLM. 1.00

01:54:14.600 Yeah.

01:54:14.940 No, they were friends.

01:54:16.160 Michelle Obama called her directly.

01:54:17.760 Michelle Obama's the one that called ABC to fire me.

01:54:19.960 They're all at Netflix now with Susan Rice and the Atlas.

01:54:22.120 That was so funny because Tommy Smothers told me, don't push it because Nixon called CBS

01:54:28.520 and got us fired.

01:54:30.040 Don't push it too far because that's what they're going to do to you.

01:54:33.560 I go, no, they ain't.

01:54:35.260 He goes, girl. 1.00

01:54:36.740 I didn't even remember that.

01:54:39.020 And he was so right.

01:54:40.000 But I guess I wanted to be a martyr.

01:54:42.540 Thank you.

01:54:43.040 I guess I wanted to go like, hey, I'll take the first step.

01:54:46.420 I'm number one. 1.00

01:54:47.980 Fuck it. 1.00

01:54:48.460 I'm number one to the tenth factor. 1.00

01:54:51.980 And you know what? 0.99

01:54:52.960 Like all these motherfuckers that go up to get their Academy Award, they say, we must 1.00

01:54:59.320 free Palestine, all their horse shit. 1.00

01:55:01.780 Well, I was saying, Muslim Brotherhood ain't nothing but goddamn militarized police at your 1.00

01:55:07.980 door if you say the wrong thing. 0.99

01:55:09.600 And their spokesman is Valerie Jarrett.

01:55:13.380 And Obama's brain trust is the Iranian lobbyist, Valerie Jarrett.

01:55:19.700 And so that's what I said.

01:55:21.760 Hey, I'm number one. 1.00

01:55:23.460 Fuck it. 1.00

01:55:24.160 But you never called anybody a monkey. 1.00

01:55:26.280 Because I want to drop the whole bomb.

01:55:27.760 No, I never said to you.

01:55:28.240 The word monkey was never there.

01:55:31.260 Well, it's Planet of the Apes.

01:55:32.600 It's like my ex-publicist said to me, it doesn't matter what you're mad.

01:55:38.500 You use the word apes.

01:55:40.860 How racist is that?

01:55:42.020 That's what I'm saying.

01:55:42.980 It's completely racist.

01:55:43.780 That's the funniest part.

01:55:44.640 I go, what?

01:55:45.240 You hear the word apes and you think of black people? 0.95

01:55:47.980 Yep. 1.00

01:55:48.260 You fucking racist piece of shit. 1.00

01:55:50.340 That's the funniest part of it all. 1.00

01:55:51.460 It's the funniest part of the entire world. 0.97

01:55:52.900 That's racist as hell.

01:55:54.140 It's the funniest part. 0.97

01:55:55.500 It is.

01:55:56.080 That's why I never got mad.

01:55:57.100 I mean, it's hilarious.

01:55:57.900 I hate to say it because I'm not.

01:56:00.060 They're called awful.

01:56:01.120 Yeah, I'm not political. 0.99

01:56:02.240 Fluent, white, feminist, liberal, awful. 0.99

01:56:06.000 Michael Malice. 0.99

01:56:06.920 That was Michael Malice's term.

01:56:08.220 Unbelievable. 1.00

01:56:09.900 And everybody got a chance to apologize for whatever bullshit they did. 1.00

01:56:16.120 Louis C.K. 0.99

01:56:18.120 Well, they ruined him too. 1.00

01:56:19.300 How they lob your mother in with the sexual bullshit. 1.00

01:56:21.700 That was my favorite. 1.00

01:56:23.240 That was my favorite. 1.00

01:56:23.880 It just shows how stupid they are. 1.00

01:56:25.160 Did you know my line, the one time I ever went viral, I said, I wish my mom had sexually 1.00

01:56:28.840 abused someone in Hollywood because then they would have supported her.

01:56:31.000 Well, can I tell you how many times a day somebody says something about Jews?

01:56:34.620 Oh, yeah.

01:56:35.100 On TV, The View.

01:56:36.680 Me.

01:56:37.340 Nothing happens.

01:56:38.520 No.

01:56:39.280 Whoopi was, I'm sorry. 0.97

01:56:40.880 Yeah, it's white people fighting white people. 0.89

01:56:42.320 I think three times she said something about Jews. 0.94

01:56:44.260 She all the time.

01:56:45.300 What about her name, Whoopi Goldberg?

01:56:47.080 She ain't no Jew. 1.00

01:56:48.100 That's black. 0.98

01:56:49.220 That's Jew face. 1.00

01:56:50.420 It is.

01:56:50.720 That's exactly what it is. 0.99

01:56:52.440 Put on blackface and talk about black people and see what happens to you. 1.00

01:56:55.880 It's all just double standard bullshit. 1.00

01:56:58.380 And they can kiss my ass. 1.00

01:56:59.940 They stole everything I worked on, but you know what? 1.00

01:57:02.640 You knew it would piss them off.

01:57:04.300 It's okay. 1.00

01:57:04.440 I was like, fuck it. 1.00

01:57:05.500 I'm not coming back to that bullshit show. 1.00

01:57:07.640 Thank you. 1.00

01:57:07.840 I want you to show that you're a fucking badass partner. 0.99

01:57:09.820 When you come back, they called me. 0.99

01:57:11.340 Tell the truth.

01:57:12.000 They asked you to come back, did they not?

01:57:13.420 They said, come back on the 12th episode of The Conners. 0.99

01:57:17.080 I said, so you're asking me to be a fucking guest star on the show you stole from me? 1.00

01:57:21.700 You can go fuck yourself. 1.00

01:57:23.540 Then they called back again and said, well, we want you to come back as the ghost of Roseanne 1.00

01:57:29.340 Conner on The Conners.

01:57:29.900 Because they weren't getting the ratings.

01:57:31.340 Yeah.

01:57:31.760 Yeah. 1.00

01:57:32.220 I go, the ghost in my ass, you killed the bitch. 1.00

01:57:34.900 Yeah. 1.00

01:57:35.520 She's deader than the fucking door now. 1.00

01:57:36.500 And that was nasty. 1.00

01:57:37.640 I go, she's deader than the fucking door now. 1.00

01:57:41.000 And you know what? 1.00

01:57:41.740 That means she's an angel.

01:57:43.680 She's an angel and she damn sure isn't coming back to the people that killed her. 0.98

01:57:48.760 Or I said, maybe I will come back and be an angel. 1.00

01:57:52.800 And I wanted to come back and go, you motherfuckers ain't nothing but shit. 1.00

01:58:00.720 And I always knew you were a dyke, Darlene. 1.00

01:58:05.200 Fucking whore. 1.00

01:58:05.960 I told you when it happened. 1.00

01:58:07.980 Your fans aren't going anywhere.

01:58:10.420 So at some point.

01:58:11.180 Mom got bigger.

01:58:12.580 That's exactly right.

01:58:13.920 I knew what happened.

01:58:15.100 I loved the tweet.

01:58:17.720 I love the sabotage.

01:58:18.860 I love the murder.

01:58:19.200 I keep telling her to admit to it. 1.00

01:58:20.460 I was like, fuck you, ABC. 1.00

01:58:21.440 I think it's the most badass shit, number one, and you fuck it up. 1.00

01:58:24.160 You are nothing but whores for fucking communist China. 1.00

01:58:26.940 Thank you. 1.00

01:58:27.900 But you understand what I'm saying about- 1.00

01:58:28.640 You can kiss my fucking ass, you communist whores for China. 1.00

01:58:31.880 You know, if they hire you to write Rockford, you don't go in and go, well, now Rockford's 1.00

01:58:35.980 just, you know, you write the character.

01:58:38.860 That's your job.

01:58:39.680 They hated the character because-

01:58:41.880 Because she was a middle class.

01:58:43.320 Because she was a working class mom. 1.00

01:58:46.620 They hate moms. 1.00

01:58:48.080 They hate women. 1.00

01:58:49.240 They do. 0.99

01:58:49.660 They think men can be better women. 1.00

01:58:51.700 They think a woman without a dick is like a duck without a bicycle. 1.00

01:58:56.860 Fucking motherfucking crazy ass sons of a bitch. 1.00

01:59:00.180 They hate working class. 1.00

01:59:02.000 They hate Trump supporters.

01:59:02.840 They hate the working class. 0.99

01:59:03.040 They hate Trump supporters.

01:59:04.520 That's what it is.

01:59:04.920 Well, they don't understand it. 1.00

01:59:06.260 They hate their fucking self. 1.00

01:59:07.800 When we had the rights to AbFab. 1.00

01:59:09.140 No, they ain't nothing but demons from hell's fucking nothing but- 0.99

01:59:12.800 Who was the president of ABC when you got AbFab? 0.98

01:59:15.860 Do you remember him going, I'm doing this show.

01:59:18.020 Ted.

01:59:18.220 We're the future.

01:59:19.720 We sent him a couple episodes and he calls me up and he goes, Alan, these women are unredeemable. 1.00

01:59:25.280 They're terrible people.

01:59:27.200 About AbFab.

01:59:28.300 I go, Ted, that's what we're laughing at.

01:59:30.360 Yeah.

01:59:30.660 Have you never seen AbFab?

01:59:31.440 He goes, well, I'm not like that.

01:59:34.340 I go, I'm not like you.

01:59:37.800 Yeah.

01:59:37.980 He goes, what do you mean?

01:59:38.920 I go, how much is a quart of milk? 0.99

01:59:40.780 He goes, I have no fucking idea. 0.98

01:59:42.360 And I go, then you're never going to get this show. 0.99

01:59:45.040 Well said.

01:59:45.660 That's the funny. 0.99

01:59:47.260 Well, I just think they're ugly people. 0.97

01:59:50.300 We're the future. 1.00

01:59:51.600 Fucking rep bastards, huh? 1.00

01:59:53.620 We're the future. 1.00

01:59:55.640 What do you think of the state of comedy?

01:59:57.360 We'll end on this one.

01:59:59.900 Because we're-

02:00:00.760 Comedy has become what music has become.

02:00:04.140 Like all the great musicians are selling their stuff.

02:00:07.980 Because there's no way to make money really anymore.

02:00:10.860 Unless you're a Taylor Swift and you can do the concerts.

02:00:14.360 Those concerts are very expensive. 1.00

02:00:16.140 I hate that little whore. 1.00

02:00:18.720 I couldn't name a song. 1.00

02:00:20.260 But the state of comedy is, there's four or eight hundred thousand comedians.

02:00:25.380 Now, I told you the strike story.

02:00:27.720 Eight hundred was questionable.

02:00:29.840 Can you imagine?

02:00:30.860 I don't even have to imagine.

02:00:32.320 I see it.

02:00:33.180 Yeah.

02:00:33.360 I go to these clubs in Vegas and stuff.

02:00:35.560 No.

02:00:35.820 And they literally say to you, you know, I'm headlining.

02:00:38.080 I go, yes, but it's Taco John's at midnight.

02:00:41.060 Yeah.

02:00:42.180 I'm not even making that up.

02:00:44.420 A little girl saw me, called me up and said, would you do it?

02:00:47.780 And I go, it's midnight at a taco thing.

02:00:49.560 I did that.

02:00:50.460 I already paid those dues.

02:00:52.160 We pay?

02:00:53.740 Well, how much?

02:00:54.520 It's $50.

02:00:56.460 I went like this.

02:00:57.440 Well, thank God I'm independently wealthy.

02:01:03.620 Well, you should see on Facebook, they all have headlining, headlining.

02:01:08.020 Listen.

02:01:09.800 Listen, I'm going to propose something to you right now.

02:01:13.360 Remember when we went and seen Steve and Edie's show?

02:01:17.120 It was great.

02:01:18.160 It was great.

02:01:19.240 Me and Alan were watching Steve and Edie.

02:01:21.540 And I go, Alan, when we're in our, I said, 60s.

02:01:25.920 I said, when we're in our 60s, we've got to do this show.

02:01:29.920 Because I want to wear the dress where you go like this and the wings, with the wings.

02:01:36.700 He would sing a song, Steve Lawrence and Edie Gourmet.

02:01:41.080 Married couple that were very great entertainers and singers and headliners for years and years.

02:01:46.420 What era?

02:01:47.240 And we went to see them at the Marat.

02:01:48.920 They were in the Rat Pack.

02:01:50.340 We went to see them at the Mirage.

02:01:53.620 And they sing together.

02:01:54.760 And then he does some.

02:01:55.640 Then she does some.

02:01:56.680 But at the end of one of her songs, her arms go up like this.

02:02:00.600 Her gown is like a butterfly with wings.

02:02:02.660 And then when she turns around, as she lifts, it all becomes wings.

02:02:08.520 And your mother and I are just dying.

02:02:10.500 That sounds hilarious.

02:02:11.440 But it's brilliantly done.

02:02:13.060 Yeah.

02:02:13.340 But that's real vague.

02:02:14.540 Does she lift off with, like, a pulley system? 0.94

02:02:16.500 No, then she sang and she had a great jazz voice. 0.76

02:02:18.760 And so did he.

02:02:19.980 But I go, Alan, this is our act in our 60s.

02:02:24.280 And they're like, remember, and they had these tender moments.

02:02:28.860 We'd have to make it all up.

02:02:30.520 Remember our son, Jason?

02:02:32.220 We should do it, just for the hell of it.

02:02:36.100 We should, just for the hell of it.

02:02:37.740 Maybe for my birthday.

02:02:40.100 We should.

02:02:40.740 I want to do that show for my birthday.

02:02:42.900 It's very funny.

02:02:43.820 You remember when our daughter Sandy.

02:02:46.620 It was so show business-y.

02:02:50.920 And they're so brilliantly slick at that point.

02:02:53.460 Because it's 50 years, you know.

02:02:55.820 It's loungy like you like.

02:02:57.880 The loungy thing.

02:02:58.680 And remember how funny he was in the back?

02:03:00.860 He was brilliantly funny.

02:03:02.360 Very funny.

02:03:04.340 And she was a lovely lady. 0.54

02:03:05.760 But that gown, you don't see it coming.

02:03:11.340 I couldn't imagine the hours that went into it.

02:03:15.520 I would wear a gown like that.

02:03:16.160 And the silhouette, the light was coming through the wings.

02:03:19.240 What would be so funny if I had that.

02:03:21.280 And then, like, in really dark silhouette was a perfect, like, really shapely body underneath.

02:03:27.440 Like, that would be brown or something.

02:03:30.260 Take it like this.

02:03:32.200 That's so funny.

02:03:34.040 That's so funny.

02:03:36.540 Oh, boy.

02:03:38.760 Yet the Mirage is gone.

02:03:40.940 They're all gone.

02:03:41.260 We're going to start knocking it down.

02:03:42.360 It's going to be the Hard Rock Giant Guitar Hotel.

02:03:45.980 Is that what it's going to be?

02:03:46.920 Don't they already have a Hard Rock Giant Guitar Hotel in Vegas?

02:03:49.480 No.

02:03:49.820 Well, they had a Hard Rock Casino, but it wasn't a guitar.

02:03:54.700 Their new hotels are a giant guitar, and that's actually the hotel.

02:03:58.840 I thought Con Air and Nicolas Cage flew under that guitar.

02:04:02.160 No, they had a sign.

02:04:03.700 Oh, okay.

02:04:04.360 But this is actually the hotel.

02:04:05.940 So Hard Rock still makes, there's still a restaurant that makes money to get to a hotel?

02:04:09.880 I haven't seen Hard Rock in 20 years.

02:04:11.460 Well, Dice was playing the Hard Rock.

02:04:12.940 Oh, really?

02:04:13.300 Really?

02:04:13.740 Yep.

02:04:14.220 And it was run, the hotel was run by Virgin.

02:04:20.340 That's right.

02:04:20.540 And the casino was run by the Indians, but the Indians just backed out.

02:04:24.220 So I don't know what's happening.

02:04:25.520 Is there still a mob in Vegas?

02:04:27.280 Huh?

02:04:27.540 Is the mafia still in Vegas?

02:04:29.800 On a smaller level.

02:04:31.320 How did they get beat out?

02:04:32.580 How did they get out?

02:04:33.560 No, they got beat.

02:04:34.240 Howard Hughes.

02:04:35.100 What do you mean?

02:04:36.540 Howard Hughes moves to Vegas, and he's at the top of the Desert Inn, and they want him out.

02:04:43.500 And he's Howard Hughes at this point, right?

02:04:45.400 Is he the shoebox of PJRs?

02:04:46.840 They don't know.

02:04:47.220 That's exactly what's happening.

02:04:48.480 Nobody sees him.

02:04:49.420 He just has Mormons that work for him. 0.99

02:04:51.320 Okay.

02:04:52.160 And they say, he's got to get out.

02:04:53.640 He's here too long.

02:04:54.840 And he looks out that window, says to one of the Mormons, buy these casinos. 1.00

02:05:01.140 No shit. 1.00

02:05:01.740 He bought five in one day at a ridiculous, the most money spent on real estate at the time. 1.00

02:05:07.260 He bought out the mob.

02:05:08.140 Just so he could stay at the Desert Inn.

02:05:09.800 Now, what happened is, the mob went, yeah, we'll cash out.

02:05:14.060 And then the Mormons turned to corporate.

02:05:16.880 So, in the old days, the mob only cared about the gambling.

02:05:21.460 If they gave Sinatra a million bucks and they lost money on the tickets, they didn't care.

02:05:25.180 They'd gamble.

02:05:26.260 Right.

02:05:26.420 So, every department didn't have to make money.

02:05:29.760 With the corporates, the hotel doesn't own most of the restaurants anymore.

02:05:34.280 And if they don't pay their rent or if they don't make a certain percentage, they throw them out.

02:05:38.740 And it's the same with the comedy rooms.

02:05:40.820 The casinos have nothing to do with entertainment.

02:05:43.760 There's only maybe two or three.

02:05:45.380 And they're all owned by corporations.

02:05:48.760 Like, there's three corporations that own all the casinos.

02:05:52.440 Yeah, I know.

02:05:53.280 You can tell when you go.

02:05:54.300 It's different.

02:05:54.800 I mean.

02:05:55.240 Now.

02:05:56.000 What do you think of comedy?

02:05:57.400 Is it going to get big again?

02:05:59.180 I think it is.

02:06:00.160 It's like music.

02:06:01.360 It's going to need something.

02:06:03.020 It's going to need something different.

02:06:04.640 Because it's stale as stale can be.

02:06:09.220 And Vegas is changing.

02:06:13.320 It's not Vegas anymore.

02:06:15.800 What do you mean you think that there will need to be a new kind of comic to spur it on?

02:06:22.940 Just a good one that I would settle for.

02:06:25.780 You know, they talk about this one kid that works in the audience who's very pretty.

02:06:30.180 Riff Rife.

02:06:30.960 Yeah, I met Rife.

02:06:31.760 I don't get it either.

02:06:33.320 He's pretty and the women like him.

02:06:35.420 Yeah, I know.

02:06:36.720 I don't get that one.

02:06:37.420 In my day, pretty didn't work for comedy. 0.93

02:06:40.220 No, obviously.

02:06:42.520 But I remember Marty Allen.

02:06:44.660 I had a mustache and I'm like, shave it.

02:06:47.280 Comedy doesn't work with hair on your face.

02:06:50.360 You know, they all had their thing.

02:06:53.140 I think there's some good comics.

02:06:55.060 I do too.

02:06:55.840 I think there's more and more.

02:06:56.740 But they're not breaking through enough.

02:06:58.540 Well, because you know why? 0.99

02:06:59.620 Because they're doing clubs like the Mothership where people lock their fucking phones up. 0.98

02:07:03.020 Well, they're also doing. 0.99

02:07:05.060 Lock their phones.

02:07:06.480 You lock your phones at the Mothership.

02:07:07.980 Well, yeah.

02:07:08.460 We don't want our mistakes out there.

02:07:10.200 That's what I'm saying.

02:07:10.940 So there is electric comedy going on at the Mothership.

02:07:14.200 It's good comedy.

02:07:15.380 You just don't see it.

02:07:16.720 Because they don't let you film it because you get Michael Richards.

02:07:18.920 Can they do an hour, hour and a half?

02:07:21.000 I mean, yeah.

02:07:22.180 Some of them can.

02:07:22.920 Some of them can.

02:07:23.680 I'd be impressed.

02:07:24.760 Because everybody I see farts out after 20 minutes.

02:07:27.600 Bill Burr blows me away.

02:07:29.120 Bill Burr, I like.

02:07:30.480 I like, I mean, not anymore.

02:07:31.640 But Bill Burr is getting a little repetitive.

02:07:33.680 He's a communist.

02:07:34.060 Yeah, I think so too. 0.98

02:07:35.900 His wife blows it. 1.00

02:07:36.740 His wife is pegging him. 1.00

02:07:38.200 His BLM shit, I can't take it. 1.00

02:07:40.240 He's getting pegged. 1.00

02:07:40.960 Tony Hinchcliffe, I've seen him do an hour.

02:07:44.360 Oh, he's the biggest thing in comedy right now.

02:07:46.200 From top to bottom, one hour at the top.

02:07:49.040 How about Brian Holtzman?

02:07:51.160 I haven't seen him, so I can't say.

02:07:53.860 He's making money in comedy like he's never made before.

02:07:58.080 I took him out on the road, oh man, in the early 90s.

02:08:03.800 And you know he can't do the same thing twice.

02:08:06.000 That's the funny part about him.

02:08:08.220 You know, once he gets worked up into those rants, I'm not sure the hamster can keep up.

02:08:12.900 And I took him to a club in Memphis.

02:08:15.980 It was a laugh factory.

02:08:17.060 And the guy who owned it said, listen, no Jesus jokes and no Elvis jokes.

02:08:23.720 And I say to Brian, he says, got it.

02:08:28.220 Oh, no.

02:08:29.780 Oh, no. 1.00

02:08:31.500 Elvis is fucking Jesus. 1.00

02:08:34.060 No lie. 1.00

02:08:35.260 First thing.

02:08:36.460 And the owner standing next to me goes, did you put him up to that?

02:08:39.900 I went, yeah.

02:08:41.060 We won't do it next show. 1.00

02:08:43.040 I went to back, you crazy motherfucker. 1.00

02:08:45.020 I'm trying to take you to get to your career, get you working on the road. 1.00

02:08:48.560 You got to listen.

02:08:51.040 And this is him telling a story.

02:08:52.960 I just remember I kept holding Jack and Cokes.

02:08:56.600 We went out drinking afterwards.

02:08:58.600 And I got drunk and he'd hold it so I could go to the bathroom.

02:09:02.800 That's what he remembers.

02:09:04.540 Then I brought him in for the late night show.

02:09:06.360 I mean, the sketch show.

02:09:07.840 And he goes, I don't know how to do characters.

02:09:12.860 I go, listen, all you have to do, you're a unique man, but you can't show it the way you're auditioning.

02:09:20.060 Pretend you're a drill sergeant and yell.

02:09:22.600 Pretend you're a cop and yell.

02:09:24.200 So he shows up with this little old lady.

02:09:27.960 Apparently he was a late in life baby.

02:09:29.760 I thought it was his grandmother.

02:09:31.000 It was his mother.

02:09:32.080 And I said, that's not going to help.

02:09:33.720 And he goes in.

02:09:35.320 And later on, the casting people come to me and go, would you like to see your friend?

02:09:39.880 They pop it in.

02:09:41.180 And he starts out the first minute.

02:09:43.560 Perfect. 1.00

02:09:43.840 And then he goes, fucking Alan. 1.00

02:09:48.680 Fucking Alan. 1.00

02:09:50.100 Fucking Alan. 1.00

02:09:51.860 Fuck. 1.00

02:09:55.700 And then I turned to them and I go, well, that's one character. 1.00

02:10:02.420 In the 90s, a jetliner went down and wiped out everybody.

02:10:07.560 It's on the news about six in the afternoon.

02:10:10.420 The show's at eight.

02:10:11.780 He's the first one off.

02:10:12.880 And everything's fine.

02:10:14.580 And he goes, something about that plane.

02:10:17.200 And they boo him.

02:10:20.080 And he says something else.

02:10:21.660 He can't shake stuff.

02:10:22.880 And then he goes, what if I tell you the baby wouldn't stop crying?

02:10:28.040 Boo.

02:10:29.340 Boo.

02:10:30.260 And he tells a couple other jokes.

02:10:31.940 He goes, what if I were to tell you the toilets were stuffed?

02:10:35.500 Boo.

02:10:36.300 He just wouldn't stop it.

02:10:38.380 That's what I like.

02:10:39.220 And that's how I see his act.

02:10:40.700 He gets into these rants.

02:10:42.880 And if you follow it, it's funny.

02:10:45.440 Yeah.

02:10:45.780 Even when it's not.

02:10:46.840 Because he's genuinely there.

02:10:49.260 He's autistic. 0.64

02:10:50.780 Yeah.

02:10:51.600 You know, my grandson opened for him.

02:10:54.660 Hey, Todd.

02:10:55.200 My grandson is doing stand-up.

02:10:57.400 He won't let me see it.

02:10:59.060 Let me see some tapes of your act.

02:11:01.700 You know?

02:11:02.140 He's like, no.

02:11:03.420 You're not to see it.

02:11:04.560 And then he was hosting an open mic down here.

02:11:07.600 I said, what if I drop in?

02:11:09.300 He goes, everyone gets five, but you get one.

02:11:15.440 And then I go, well, what are you doing?

02:11:18.400 And so I asked somebody else. 1.00

02:11:19.900 They go, he's talking about wanting to fuck trannies. 1.00

02:11:23.820 Yeah. 1.00

02:11:24.360 Masturbating to transsexual porn. 1.00

02:11:26.020 That's his bit. 1.00

02:11:27.320 Oh, my God.

02:11:28.680 I don't want to see.

02:11:30.660 I'm like, what are you doing?

02:11:33.080 Well, you got to start somewhere.

02:11:35.060 First off, I think it's great.

02:11:36.700 One of them's doing comedy.

02:11:37.880 No, two of them are now, Cosmo and Aton.

02:11:41.520 Oh, my guy Cosmo is?

02:11:43.000 Cosmo.

02:11:43.620 I told you, Cosmo at the talent show.

02:11:46.840 I told you about the joke, he told.

02:11:49.800 I told you at the school talent show.

02:11:51.460 I thought it was the other one.

02:11:53.300 No, that's Cosmo.

02:11:54.840 Aton's doing the stand-up here in Austin.

02:11:58.840 I once had a neighbor that annoyed me.

02:12:01.080 This would be four computers.

02:12:02.760 And in the back of a magazine of the Village Voice,

02:12:05.300 there was a foot fetish ad.

02:12:07.100 And I put his address and answered it.

02:12:09.820 And he used to get mail in those brown envelopes

02:12:12.640 with little feet stamped on it.

02:12:14.900 And he said to the post office,

02:12:16.540 who keeps sending me this stuff?

02:12:22.160 And on that note, I think we'll end this.

02:12:26.100 Thank you so much for being here.

02:12:27.520 Thank you.

02:12:28.060 We have to do more.

02:12:29.260 Yeah, because there's a million stories.

02:12:30.880 You didn't even tell the John Goodman coked up drunk story.

02:12:33.980 Yeah, I want some dirt. 0.99

02:12:35.040 Give me some fucking dirt for clips. 0.99

02:12:37.100 Let's get some clips, man. 0.99

02:12:37.620 Let's get some clips.

02:12:38.540 Because that was the best one.

02:12:39.980 John Goodman only has to do nine shows.

02:12:42.100 Because he's doing Shakespeare rather than the Rosanne show.

02:12:46.300 What Shakespeare was Goodman doing?

02:12:48.220 Down in La Jolla in a 90-seat playhouse.

02:12:51.820 So he only has to do nine shows.

02:12:53.660 So he shows up one day on a tape day,

02:12:55.540 and you know they're 14, 15 hours.

02:12:57.160 Yeah.

02:12:57.340 And I say,

02:12:58.500 John,

02:12:59.180 would you do some pickup stuff

02:13:02.240 so I can put you in more episodes?

02:13:04.980 So I'd have him shoot like five scenes.

02:13:07.340 So it would look like,

02:13:08.640 he's going to get paid a lot of money.

02:13:10.900 The mistake is thinking he could wait around that long.

02:13:14.560 So everybody's gone.

02:13:16.060 It's after the shoot.

02:13:17.220 I keep two cameramen,

02:13:19.220 Drew,

02:13:20.240 who's his friend,

02:13:21.060 and Laurie.

02:13:22.640 And I'm just going to bank stuff.

02:13:24.760 Yeah.

02:13:25.080 So it looks like he's in the show.

02:13:27.200 Right.

02:13:27.800 Future episodes.

02:13:28.780 Yeah.

02:13:29.160 Yeah.

02:13:29.840 So I'm sitting there

02:13:30.920 on the seat,

02:13:32.640 and Laurie never talks to me. 0.99

02:13:34.300 Can I talk to you?

02:13:36.420 Yeah, what's the matter?

02:13:37.800 Can I talk to you over there?

02:13:40.240 Yeah.

02:13:41.040 What's the matter?

02:13:42.420 Look at John.

02:13:43.260 Do you see anything different?

02:13:45.880 And he's leaning on the kitchen counter

02:13:48.240 with his glasses on and his grip.

02:13:49.880 He looked pretty studious

02:13:51.660 and like he was working to me.

02:13:54.820 And I go,

02:13:55.280 what's wrong with him?

02:13:56.600 When have you seen him with a script?

02:13:59.700 When have you seen him put his glasses on

02:14:02.540 and look at a script?

02:14:04.120 Like, what are you saying?

02:14:05.220 He smells,

02:14:06.960 and he's high.

02:14:08.560 I don't want to do this.

02:14:11.640 And I've seen this guy in New York.

02:14:13.460 This is a big boy when he's intoxicated and high.

02:14:17.780 Yeah.

02:14:18.580 So I don't want to confront him,

02:14:20.100 so I go,

02:14:20.680 Laurie,

02:14:21.320 go home.

02:14:23.600 But I go home.

02:14:25.020 Thank you.

02:14:25.740 It's a long day.

02:14:26.660 Thank you.

02:14:29.120 And I go over to a camera guy,

02:14:30.700 and I go,

02:14:31.100 slowly walk backwards

02:14:32.960 and leave.

02:14:35.400 It's like a wild animal.

02:14:36.500 And John's still,

02:14:38.100 and I go to the other camera guy,

02:14:40.600 slowly walk backwards

02:14:42.420 and leave.

02:14:44.800 Now I'm sitting there,

02:14:45.880 and Drew's sitting next to me.

02:14:46.960 He goes,

02:14:47.140 where'd everybody go?

02:14:48.280 I go,

02:14:48.720 home. 1.00

02:14:50.080 He's fucked up, 1.00

02:14:51.160 and you're his friend. 1.00

02:14:52.440 Go get the keys from his dressing room

02:14:54.340 and throw them on the roof. 0.83

02:14:56.720 And he came back,

02:14:57.820 and he goes,

02:14:58.160 now what?

02:14:58.580 And I go,

02:14:58.900 now go tell him.

02:14:59.760 I'm going home.

02:15:00.320 I ran out of there.

02:15:03.260 I ran out of there.

02:15:04.500 But he said he handled it well

02:15:05.720 and spent the night in his dressing room.

02:15:08.800 Wow.

02:15:09.140 But Laurie, 0.91

02:15:10.240 it's the second time she talked to me.

02:15:12.840 But she was scared.

02:15:15.060 Yeah.

02:15:15.420 Did she have reason to be scared?

02:15:16.540 Did he do stuff before?

02:15:17.440 Well,

02:15:18.120 first off,

02:15:18.720 you're tired as hell. 0.83

02:15:19.760 It's almost 16 hours later

02:15:21.220 until we set up these shots.

02:15:22.900 But he would have made

02:15:23.900 a ridiculous amount of money.

02:15:25.940 Yeah.

02:15:27.960 But you know,

02:15:28.720 at that point,

02:15:29.280 he was gone.

02:15:31.020 Yeah.

02:15:31.360 You know,

02:15:31.640 what are you going to do?

02:15:33.120 But,

02:15:33.540 I just thought he was being studious.

02:15:37.400 That's how you know.

02:15:38.260 That's like when you get high

02:15:39.120 and you're trying to pass,

02:15:40.000 and you're like,

02:15:40.340 look,

02:15:40.560 I'm reading. 0.99

02:15:41.800 That's fucking hilarious. 0.98

02:15:43.120 he was really seriously 0.99

02:15:44.000 like moving.

02:15:45.520 I'm like,

02:15:46.080 oh,

02:15:46.420 what's my line?

02:15:47.100 Because usually he's animated,

02:15:48.500 he's loud.

02:15:48.920 I don't recall seeing him

02:15:49.980 with the script.

02:15:51.000 That's hilarious.

02:15:51.760 That's how you know

02:15:52.440 John Goodman's high.

02:15:53.180 Remember Army Archer,

02:15:54.880 the columnist?

02:15:58.020 Yeah.

02:15:58.360 Yeah.

02:15:59.280 He called up and said,

02:16:00.460 my wife needs her insurance. 1.00

02:16:01.940 Can you just stick her

02:16:02.860 in a seat?

02:16:04.180 And I'll never forget this.

02:16:05.600 The show comes on that night

02:16:06.640 and she's holding a script.

02:16:08.760 Do you remember that?

02:16:10.060 No.

02:16:10.560 I went down to the director

02:16:11.820 and I go,

02:16:12.260 you know,

02:16:13.300 do you realize

02:16:14.240 she's holding a script

02:16:15.280 in the scene?

02:16:16.060 Thank God she's in the back 0.99

02:16:17.380 and he can't see it.

02:16:18.600 I said to the director,

02:16:19.600 could you please direct,

02:16:20.800 you know,

02:16:21.260 look at hands

02:16:22.100 and what they're holding?

02:16:22.860 I didn't know that.

02:16:26.660 Hold on your script,

02:16:27.620 little old lady. 1.00

02:16:29.660 She had no lines.

02:16:31.600 That's hilarious.

02:16:34.320 That is so good.

02:16:37.400 Well,

02:16:37.880 on that note.

02:16:38.480 Can we have,

02:16:39.000 are there any more dirt

02:16:39.820 before we hang out?

02:16:40.400 Because I want Roseanne dirt. 1.00

02:16:41.940 We'll have to save the dirt

02:16:43.340 for the next time.

02:16:44.120 Okay.

02:16:44.640 Because there's a lot of it.

02:16:46.700 That's what we want.

02:16:47.420 Oh yeah,

02:16:47.800 that'll be fun too.

02:16:48.040 Or save it for your book.

02:16:50.340 Yeah,

02:16:50.640 or the book.

02:16:51.600 Because we're going to do that.

02:16:53.200 We could never get it all.

02:16:55.380 There's plenty for that book.

02:16:57.580 Oh my God,

02:16:58.400 I can't wait

02:16:59.360 until we start writing it down.

02:17:00.580 That's how you get your revenge.

02:17:02.640 Oh,

02:17:02.920 I'm going to tell every dirty thing 1.00

02:17:04.420 the motherfuckers did. 1.00

02:17:06.120 How they sat there like that 1.00

02:17:07.680 selling me out. 1.00

02:17:09.860 Karma's a bitch. 1.00

02:17:10.720 Whatever, 1.00

02:17:11.340 Karma.

02:17:11.460 It's just hard for me to accept. 1.00

02:17:13.060 Karma's a bitch 1.00

02:17:13.860 and sell him out. 1.00

02:17:14.060 It's like they hire 0.95

02:17:15.000 Harry Belafonte

02:17:16.080 and go,

02:17:16.420 you're not going to do 1.00

02:17:17.000 that Calypso shit, 1.00

02:17:18.120 are you? 1.00

02:17:18.460 Yeah,

02:17:18.760 seriously.

02:17:19.680 You know what I mean?

02:17:20.420 Yeah.

02:17:21.180 It's just nonsense.

02:17:22.860 You're not doing 1.00

02:17:23.700 that Calypso shit. 0.99

02:17:25.240 Do some Sinatra's 1.00

02:17:26.400 and do some jazz standards.

02:17:28.240 Yeah.

02:17:28.900 Crazy.

02:17:29.140 They just love to, 0.98

02:17:30.060 they love to hack away

02:17:32.100 at somebody.

02:17:32.880 Well,

02:17:33.000 they want to feel

02:17:33.560 what it's like to be creative.

02:17:34.640 That's what it is.

02:17:35.240 It's like,

02:17:35.540 they find someone creative

02:17:36.680 and they're like,

02:17:37.060 let me give you a couple ideas

02:17:37.960 and therefore,

02:17:38.540 it'll rub off on me

02:17:39.680 and I'll be just like them.

02:17:41.140 And then not

02:17:41.820 and then they hate you for it.

02:17:43.060 Like Sarah Gilbert

02:17:43.100 sat in the writer's room

02:17:44.300 for three months

02:17:45.240 and all of a sudden 1.00

02:17:46.460 she's a fucking 1.00

02:17:47.280 executive producer 1.00

02:17:48.400 slash writer.

02:17:50.340 How about her?

02:17:51.260 Her claims to fame now

02:17:53.020 are The Talk,

02:17:54.500 which she stole from The View

02:17:56.060 and The Conners,

02:17:57.640 which she stole from You.

02:17:58.780 So she's a TV executive. 1.00

02:18:00.760 None of her shit's original. 0.99

02:18:01.740 It's literally just stolen 1.00

02:18:02.860 from somebody else.

02:18:03.800 I'll tell the best Sarah story ever.

02:18:07.560 So one day I'm talking to her.

02:18:09.180 She's a young girl

02:18:10.060 and she's talking about her family

02:18:12.740 and everything.

02:18:13.300 She goes,

02:18:13.840 well,

02:18:14.100 I used to have a brother.

02:18:15.840 I go,

02:18:17.240 huh?

02:18:18.460 She goes,

02:18:19.240 yeah.

02:18:19.980 I go,

02:18:20.280 what happened to him?

02:18:21.520 Where'd he go?

02:18:22.800 Oh,

02:18:23.180 I don't know.

02:18:23.620 He's 15

02:18:24.380 and just left home one day

02:18:25.920 and we never saw him again.

02:18:27.660 I go,

02:18:28.520 your brother was 15 years old.

02:18:30.980 He just disappeared

02:18:34.340 and y'all never looked for him

02:18:35.960 or found him or nothing.

02:18:37.280 She goes,

02:18:37.740 yeah,

02:18:38.100 you know.

02:18:39.180 No,

02:18:39.840 I don't know.

02:18:40.620 Probably at Epstein Island.

02:18:41.760 No,

02:18:42.420 that's what she said

02:18:43.460 and I just stared.

02:18:46.000 I went home

02:18:47.060 and I had the heebie-jeebies.

02:18:49.720 I couldn't fathom

02:18:51.180 but she goes,

02:18:51.720 yeah,

02:18:52.580 you know,

02:18:52.960 he just left home one day

02:18:54.200 and we never seen him again.

02:18:55.160 She strikes me as a person

02:18:56.360 that has deep trouble.

02:18:58.600 Who?

02:18:59.500 First of all says,

02:19:00.980 I had a brother

02:19:02.220 and then when he was 15,

02:19:05.060 he just disappeared.

02:19:06.920 Whatever happened?

02:19:07.840 Never looked for him?

02:19:09.320 No,

02:19:10.080 we never looked for him.

02:19:10.700 And she's Hollywood royalty

02:19:11.920 and her parents,

02:19:12.760 her sister was on

02:19:13.780 Little House of the Prayer.

02:19:14.420 I know who her sister was.

02:19:15.520 Who were the parents?

02:19:16.340 They were TV writers.

02:19:18.080 Oh,

02:19:18.280 I didn't know that.

02:19:18.560 Weren't they,

02:19:19.020 Mom?

02:19:19.600 Huh?

02:19:20.120 They were famous TV writers.

02:19:22.400 Her grandfather was 1.00

02:19:23.560 while he stole Jackie Gleason's shit. 1.00

02:19:25.540 But my point is, 1.00

02:19:26.260 she was Hollywood royalty.

02:19:28.120 And so she created the honeymooners. 1.00

02:19:29.420 I don't think so.

02:19:30.140 That's probably where she got it. 1.00

02:19:31.220 He probably stole that fucking show too. 1.00

02:19:32.600 Yeah, 1.00

02:19:32.820 that's in her blood. 0.97

02:19:34.080 I'm just saying,

02:19:34.880 they were in Hollywood a long time

02:19:36.100 so kids go missing.

02:19:37.360 That's all I'm going to say.

02:19:38.540 Well,

02:19:38.760 I think she felt because

02:19:39.980 her sister was... 1.00

02:19:40.720 And I sacrificed him 1.00

02:19:41.680 so her chinless ass 1.00

02:19:44.460 could get a career. 1.00

02:19:46.000 That was her sacrifice.

02:19:47.180 Obviously.

02:19:47.600 Yeah.

02:19:48.460 Because she didn't get 0.99

02:19:49.460 fucking hired for her looks. 1.00

02:19:51.620 I hired her 1.00

02:19:52.340 because she's uglier than shit. 1.00

02:19:54.400 And I thought, 1.00

02:19:55.220 fuck Hollywood, 1.00

02:19:56.140 I'm going to get some ugly 1.00

02:19:57.260 motherfuckers. 1.00

02:19:57.460 That's what people go to. 1.00

02:19:58.180 The Roseanne show was so real. 0.97

02:19:59.580 The kids were ugly. 0.84

02:20:00.780 Yeah. 0.99

02:20:01.340 Michael Fishman's the ugliest 0.99

02:20:02.660 human being I've ever seen. 0.99

02:20:04.460 Well, 0.98

02:20:04.800 I wanted to have some ugly 1.00

02:20:06.160 Jew looking kids. 0.99

02:20:07.300 You did a good job. 0.96

02:20:07.860 The Jews are not the most 1.00

02:20:08.900 attractive people 0.98

02:20:09.820 for the most part.

02:20:10.520 It is unfortunate.

02:20:11.680 Am I right?

02:20:12.440 They're either gorgeous...

02:20:13.880 I don't know.

02:20:15.300 No.

02:20:16.020 The Jews are either 1.00

02:20:17.440 the most gorgeous people

02:20:19.460 or just...

02:20:21.460 Well,

02:20:21.800 you could say that

02:20:22.420 about everybody.

02:20:23.480 No,

02:20:23.940 but especially the Jews.

02:20:25.560 Especially those from Europe. 1.00

02:20:26.840 They're usually ugly. 0.99

02:20:28.040 Yeah. 0.91

02:20:28.440 No,

02:20:28.720 the Jews from Europe 0.89

02:20:29.660 are usually either

02:20:31.040 very beautiful

02:20:32.460 or they look like 0.77

02:20:34.360 the devil himself. 0.93

02:20:36.560 They look like

02:20:37.400 the World War II cartoons

02:20:38.820 that Nazis used to drink. 0.92

02:20:40.000 The Jews from the Middle East 0.99

02:20:41.820 are mostly gorgeous.

02:20:43.600 Yes.

02:20:44.020 Well,

02:20:44.220 everyone from the Middle East

02:20:45.020 is gorgeous.

02:20:46.620 I mean,

02:20:47.460 the European Jews,

02:20:49.320 such as Sarah,

02:20:50.960 are either

02:20:51.800 just horrific looking

02:20:54.260 as she is

02:20:55.260 or gorgeous

02:20:57.920 such as

02:20:59.520 Zsa Zsa Gabor

02:21:00.620 was gorgeous.

02:21:01.940 Her sister was

02:21:02.860 very attractive,

02:21:04.300 Melissa Gilbert.

02:21:04.840 until I read 1.00

02:21:07.100 that she fucked 1.00

02:21:07.960 Michael Landon. 1.00

02:21:09.260 Now she's not 1.00

02:21:10.020 a dirty whore too. 1.00

02:21:11.120 Of course she did. 1.00

02:21:12.120 She had sex 0.99

02:21:12.960 with Michael Landon 0.98

02:21:13.920 who portrayed

02:21:14.860 her dad on little 1.00

02:21:16.080 little whore 1.00

02:21:17.540 on the prairie. 1.00

02:21:18.520 He went to school

02:21:19.520 with my dad.

02:21:20.340 Is that alleged?

02:21:21.120 Eugene Horowitz.

02:21:21.540 It's true.

02:21:22.220 I just read that.

02:21:22.760 Speaking of Jews,

02:21:23.740 he's Eugene Horowitz.

02:21:24.860 I don't.

02:21:26.220 No,

02:21:26.580 that's,

02:21:27.440 you read it on the internet?

02:21:28.100 I did read it.

02:21:29.820 She had an affair

02:21:30.440 with Michael Landon

02:21:31.520 on the show.

02:21:32.760 Wow.

02:21:33.660 How old was he?

02:21:34.240 Which makes me

02:21:34.440 not like Michael Landon

02:21:36.060 and not like her.

02:21:37.500 He couldn't have been

02:21:38.060 too old because

02:21:39.080 she was his daughter

02:21:40.600 on the show,

02:21:41.180 wasn't she?

02:21:41.560 Yeah. 1.00

02:21:42.560 Hollywood sucks 1.00

02:21:43.500 a ass. 1.00

02:21:44.960 Remember when they, 1.00

02:21:45.900 well how about

02:21:46.560 the guy that went

02:21:47.240 to jail

02:21:47.680 and then they rehire him?

02:21:48.920 Yeah.

02:21:50.240 Fido at Disney.

02:21:51.440 That was the casting

02:21:52.580 director for children.

02:21:53.600 Went to jail.

02:21:55.780 Disney is nothing 1.00

02:21:57.360 but pedophiles. 0.99

02:21:59.060 Hey, 0.96

02:21:59.520 did you hear

02:22:00.240 of this girl

02:22:00.940 Madeline Soto

02:22:02.240 that they

02:22:02.960 was killed at 13

02:22:04.700 and her step 0.99

02:22:06.820 father,

02:22:08.460 Steven,

02:22:09.140 somebody,

02:22:10.560 they found

02:22:11.160 all this evidence

02:22:12.220 on his phone

02:22:12.860 that he was grooming 1.00

02:22:13.860 and having sex with her 0.98

02:22:14.960 since she was eight 0.96

02:22:16.000 and her mother, 1.00

02:22:18.740 Jen Soto,

02:22:21.060 blah, blah,

02:22:21.760 and I'm reading

02:22:22.200 all this stuff

02:22:22.800 the mother,

02:22:23.600 gave her daughter 0.99

02:22:24.780 to the pervert 0.98

02:22:25.820 and all and I'm reading

02:22:27.700 and at the end

02:22:28.460 it goes,

02:22:28.880 they both worked

02:22:29.600 for Disney.

02:22:31.520 Of course.

02:22:32.200 I was like,

02:22:32.780 oh my God,

02:22:33.840 of course they did.

02:22:34.720 Well, you know,

02:22:35.880 Drew Barrymore's mother

02:22:37.040 worked at the comedy store,

02:22:38.380 worked for me.

02:22:39.120 Uh-uh.

02:22:39.980 Jade.

02:22:41.000 Oh my God.

02:22:42.000 One day she brings

02:22:42.780 in this little girl

02:22:43.520 in the dress

02:22:44.120 and all she does

02:22:45.380 is tell me

02:22:45.780 she's pretty

02:22:46.240 the little girl.

02:22:46.840 She goes,

02:22:47.060 I have an audition

02:22:47.700 with you,

02:22:48.100 watch her,

02:22:48.580 and it's,

02:22:49.460 what's your name?

02:22:50.520 And I remember

02:22:52.140 she said,

02:22:52.700 I'm the actress,

02:22:53.740 Alan,

02:22:53.900 not that kid.

02:22:55.440 Yikes.

02:22:55.980 Because after I babysat,

02:22:57.340 I said,

02:22:57.620 you want to get

02:22:58.120 that kid an agent?

02:22:59.400 I'm the actress.

02:23:01.640 So when she makes it,

02:23:03.340 you heard what happened,

02:23:04.500 they're terrible.

02:23:05.240 And then Corey Feldman

02:23:06.480 ran with us

02:23:07.800 when we were the outlaws

02:23:08.740 for a while

02:23:09.480 when he was underage

02:23:11.340 and doing heroin

02:23:12.220 and his father

02:23:13.600 stole money.

02:23:14.980 It's horrible

02:23:15.560 what they did to them.

02:23:17.160 And he would say,

02:23:18.020 I was abused

02:23:18.760 and nobody would listen.

02:23:19.740 No,

02:23:19.960 he'd said it all the time.

02:23:21.100 I had him on my podcast.

02:23:22.300 He, I.

02:23:22.860 Well, now he does,

02:23:23.760 but at the time,

02:23:24.700 nobody would listen to him.

02:23:25.860 They don't listen to him.

02:23:26.520 So sad.

02:23:28.160 No, they never listen.

02:23:29.200 And then that

02:23:29.960 Nickelodeon documentary

02:23:31.220 comes out

02:23:31.860 and they're like,

02:23:32.600 oh my God,

02:23:33.040 this is weird.

02:23:33.660 People at Nickelodeon 0.97

02:23:34.420 are pedos. 0.90

02:23:35.180 I wrote a pilot

02:23:36.080 for Nickelodeon

02:23:37.000 about a kid

02:23:37.580 who wants a better education.

02:23:39.580 So he pretends

02:23:40.440 to be a girl

02:23:41.060 to go on all girls 0.99

02:23:42.080 school.

02:23:42.620 That's basically it.

02:23:44.000 Good premise.

02:23:44.740 Isn't that sweet?

02:23:45.620 Yeah.

02:23:45.880 Here's what I get back

02:23:46.740 after I write the script

02:23:47.820 and it goes to New York.

02:23:50.020 What makes you think

02:23:51.060 we want to do

02:23:51.700 a cross-dresser?

02:23:53.100 No.

02:23:53.920 What era was this?

02:23:55.240 I went,

02:23:55.480 who?

02:23:56.040 It was about

02:23:56.520 10 years ago.

02:23:57.760 I went, 0.57

02:23:58.260 what crazy person 0.79

02:23:59.780 read this? 0.55

02:24:00.700 Yeah.

02:24:01.200 It's not even,

02:24:02.340 it's bosom buddies.

02:24:03.740 It's Tootsie

02:24:04.340 in high school.

02:24:06.440 But this is what

02:24:07.220 you get back

02:24:07.760 from these people.

02:24:09.080 They're probably like,

02:24:10.120 yeah.

02:24:10.420 Well,

02:24:10.620 because they think

02:24:12.080 pervertedly.

02:24:13.540 Yeah.

02:24:14.040 Yeah, 1.00

02:24:14.320 they're all pervs. 0.96

02:24:15.220 You remember Sparky? 0.72

02:24:16.740 He made a thing

02:24:17.720 called the straw bony.

02:24:19.320 It's two straws

02:24:20.280 and it makes noise.

02:24:21.320 He thinks it's something.

02:24:23.000 So he sends it off

02:24:23.960 to the straw company

02:24:24.960 and this is the letter

02:24:26.760 and this is the letter

02:24:26.780 he gets back.

02:24:28.860 It looks like 0.99

02:24:29.980 you're masturbating 0.99

02:24:31.160 when you play 1.00

02:24:31.960 this instrument.

02:24:35.880 It's two straws

02:24:37.220 and you go,

02:24:38.600 and that's

02:24:40.100 in a letter

02:24:41.140 to Sparky. 0.99

02:24:42.740 Who masturbates 0.99

02:24:43.840 like this? 0.99

02:24:44.380 Who's in charge

02:24:44.980 of straws

02:24:45.660 that thinks that way? 1.00

02:24:46.780 Not a fucking pervert. 1.00

02:24:49.980 That's a leap. 1.00

02:24:51.160 That is a leap.

02:24:52.080 Yeah,

02:24:52.420 what is wrong

02:24:52.920 with you,

02:24:53.540 sir? 1.00

02:24:54.620 They're all degenerates. 0.99

02:24:57.140 They are. 0.99

02:24:57.960 Everybody at the top

02:24:59.040 is a nothing 1.00

02:24:59.500 but a fucking degenerate. 1.00

02:25:01.060 Thank you. 1.00

02:25:01.960 Unbelievable.

02:25:02.740 Now we're getting dirt.

02:25:04.120 This is all that.

02:25:04.600 Can we take a break?

02:25:08.600 Well,

02:25:08.900 we can wrap up.

02:25:10.160 We'll do more again.

02:25:11.240 Thank you.

02:25:12.020 Let's do more.

02:25:13.080 Alan Stevens.

02:25:14.000 Alan Stevens.

02:25:15.280 I love you, Alan.

02:25:16.540 Thank you so much

02:25:17.860 for being here

02:25:18.740 and telling these

02:25:19.420 great stories.

02:25:20.500 We had fun.

02:25:20.740 Thank you for allowing

02:25:21.320 me to work for you

02:25:22.080 to get those

02:25:22.580 horrible stories.

02:25:24.900 I'll play your cards

02:25:26.000 right.

02:25:26.260 It might happen again.

02:25:27.380 Steven.

02:25:27.920 I always say Stevens.

02:25:29.280 All right.

02:25:29.780 See you all.

02:25:30.880 God bless America. 1.00

02:25:32.340 Fuck all these Democrats. 1.00

02:25:33.880 Fuck them, 1.00

02:25:34.200 fuck them, 1.00

02:25:34.700 fuck them. 1.00

02:25:35.400 Oh, you see 1.00

02:25:36.800 my patience is growing thin

02:25:41.900 with this synthetic world

02:25:49.960 we're limited.

The Roseanne Barr Podcast - November 01, 2024

We were Rock Stars with Allan Stephan ｜ The Roseanne Barr Podcast #072

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