A woman is choking to death at a seafood restaurant and her husband is doing his best to help her, but he can t stop her from choking. He doesn't know what to do, so he just sits there and watches her choke to death.
00:03:27.100And they stand up, and everybody's just like sitting down, like pretending somebody's not choking maybe to death.
00:03:36.280And her husband, this guy, no, this lady's choking, you know, when she had kind of a, I don't know if you've ever seen Napoleon Dynamite,
00:03:45.380but Uncle Rico, you ever seen that dude, his uncle, who could throw the football over the mountain?
00:03:50.320And then she had a haircut like his, you know, kind of a haircut that had been blow-dried way too long.
00:04:01.060You ever see somebody, their hair has been blow-dried way too long, and it seems just lightly, not crisp, but just, it seems almost fried a little.
00:04:42.020But I don't want to fuck up their whole, you know, whatever they're trying to do.
00:04:47.220Or he's, you know, if he's, if they're, maybe she's horrible to him, and this is, you know, he, you know, planned ahead on this sandwich,
00:04:55.460and this is, you know, the meal that's going to take her out.
00:04:58.960You know, maybe he can't afford a cruise.
00:05:00.580You know, a lot of people take their spouse on a cruise, and they push him overboard while they've been drinking.
00:05:04.980Maybe this guy's like, you know, I'm going to save money on a $600 cruise ticket and just hit up this, you know, $14, you know, oyster po' boy here in New Orleans.
00:05:17.560This dude's like massaging her shoulders.
00:05:19.160So I'm, I'm like, I'm going to stay out of this because I don't want to, you know, ruin whatever money this dude's trying to make or, you know, whatever.
00:05:47.240So, I mean, this lady's like spitting and like, I don't know if you've ever been choking or not, but it's pretty intense.
00:05:55.200Have you ever been like choking possibly to death?
00:05:58.800That shit is intense, you know, and your face and your throat starts making all this extra saliva.
00:06:04.900You know, you start turning, your whole head turns into like a water slide.
00:06:08.480I mean, you start dripping out of your eyes and your nose and everything because you're, you know, your body's trying to lube your whole universe up so you can get this, whatever's inside of you so it'll pop out.
00:06:22.640She's like crying, and there's, you know, grease coming out her pores, and like, you know, her ears are like saliva's just swirling out her ears and everything.
00:07:25.580And so I've been around these fellas that's jacked up on them uppers, you know, that they call it high diving, you know, when you're on them uppers constantly.
00:07:33.220Because you're living at 60 feet, you know, when it's, I mean, you, your world is just a bouncy board up there.
00:08:01.840And as he pulls on her, his whole body is coming up off of the ground.
00:08:10.160So this, this guy is Heimlich and this lean, this lean fella, dude, he's Heimlich and her, it looked like a skeleton trying to fuck like a big animal.
00:08:21.380As he's pulling, his whole, his whole body is bucking on her.
00:08:26.220Like his, his feet are coming up off the ground, his momentum.
00:08:29.240And she's just, I mean, this, and suddenly there's just kind of like a, like a, like that, like, and just this big splash of like, you know, whatever it was, whatever it jacked her system up, just, just, just kind of just attack, just flew.
00:08:51.180I mean, it had liquid flew out of her eyes, nose and mouth, you know, the trifecta, you know, I mean, it was, it was artful.
00:09:00.020It was something you'd see at Disneyland around suns, around sunset when they do the big water display and the water kind of jumps from one hole to the other.
00:09:08.500And they're playing the music, you know, be our best, be our best, you know.
00:09:12.600And the music's, you know, everybody was Kung Fu fighting and the, just the waters are jumping and landing in other holes.
00:09:25.460It hit the air and it was just like, and just splashed.
00:09:30.640And then everything was done and it was over and it was awkward, man.
00:09:37.480It was so awkward and I didn't know what to do.
00:09:41.040So I started a round of applause because otherwise I'm thinking here, well, first of all, the lady lived, you know, if somebody lives, hell yeah.
00:09:52.480You know, even if her husband had a plan or he was caught up in the dark arts in his brain, you know, he was thinking about murder.
00:09:59.840He'd been Googling stuff that was dangerous and would come back to haunt him, you know, on a Dateline episode, whatever.
00:10:07.160You know, I mean, I could see some, you know, fella thinking about taking his wife out via sandwich.
00:10:15.720That's an easy, that's a $17 kill, you know.
00:10:20.160But this guy, you know, I got started this round of applause.
00:10:23.480There's a round of applause going and that kind of broke the awkwardness, man.
00:10:37.540If I have, and this is like, and I'll know now because I'm giving this secret out to people, but if I have tuna fish and Gatorade, same time, just straight tuna out the can, albacore.
00:10:50.800But if I go albacore, that white meat, you know, that front meat, that breast of the fish, immediately, if I have that with Gatorade, my throat shuts down.
00:12:11.160I want to get, you know, electrolytes and get my protein in.
00:12:14.920So I hit up a 7-Eleven on the way to my room.
00:12:17.500Grabbed me a bag of that snack fish, that low-key snack fish, and a Gatorade.
00:12:24.100And the Gatorade, man, right when it hit my throat and I had the tuna in my mouth and throat, my shit closed up, locked.
00:12:30.560So I'm in my hotel room and my shit is locking, locking, bro.
00:12:36.900You ever see like on those movies where somebody attacks like a, or somebody, you know, tries to, I think like maybe Star Wars, where somebody tries to get onto the, you know, the space vessel.
00:12:48.680And the doors start closing whenever they're, you know, finally are stealing it or whatever.
00:12:53.520And the sliding doors are to start locking down like whoosh, whoosh.
00:13:56.380Could have been a hearty lesbian, you know, a third-degree lesbian.
00:14:00.980And I am pulling on this person's pants, just pulling on the front of their pants by their pockets, like, on my knees, like, basically motioning this toothbrush down my throat.
00:14:16.100And at first, I think the dude or the, I think it's a man now, pretty sure, the more I remember, my memory's getting stronger.
00:14:23.920Because I have one of those memories that gets stronger.
00:14:26.380You know, some people have memory that gets weaker.
00:14:46.460I'm probably in my room, you know, making homemade pesticides and eating fucking barbiturate soup up in my hotel room.
00:14:54.280You know, I'm probably making bathtub gin and fucking, you know, making towels out of, you know, a dead woman's hair or something.
00:15:02.200He probably thinks I'm caught up in something.
00:15:03.960Because if you run out into the hallway and you're motioning the toothbrush down your throat, you know, that has a kind of like an oral sex kind of vibe to it.
00:17:26.660It looks like a bunch of alcoholics kind of surrendering.
00:17:28.340So we did that at the wedding and the wedding took place in an old swingers den.
00:17:34.080The wedding was a, the wedding took place in this old swingers place where swingers used to do, you know, sex, I guess, and adult activities.
00:17:43.040And swingers, I know in LA there's some pretty intense swinger parties.
00:17:46.860I've heard about them, you know, and I've actually been invited to some and I haven't gone yet.
00:17:51.360Because I'm not going because my back's pretty hairy and I'm not taking a hairy back to a damn swingers event.
00:17:55.680I just do not have that kind of confidence.
00:17:58.340You know, and my butt gets kind of hairy too.
00:18:00.520And I'm not taking a hairy ass into a swingers thing.
00:18:03.500So I need to get probably, you know, waxed up and maybe do some, you know, some different leg exercises and some reverse leg curls and stuff before I'm going to go to a swingers thing.
00:18:15.480But I wouldn't mind checking it out sometime.
00:18:17.360One time I was in Lake of the Ozarks, Missouri, and that is swingers country.
00:18:24.160You know, that's a good place to taste another man's wife or, you know, to, you know, really spray out on some, you know, local spouse that's not yours, you know, or to be wild.
00:18:32.920And we went there and me and this man, this other man, we went there.
00:18:38.660We were just comedians, you know, we just show up and we're supposed to stay at Lake of the Ozarks for one night.
00:18:44.180So we check into the hotel because we're doing a comedy show there.
00:18:47.060So we check in at the hotel we always stay at, right?
00:18:50.980And he's the feature, I'm the headliner.
00:19:32.880You know, it's a nice place to probably, you know, be by yourself or, you know, I guess be with somebody else's spouse or whatever.
00:19:39.740But then we start seeing people just bringing in all these little, you know, at hotels and motels, they got the trolleys where you put all your goods on them.
00:19:48.400You wheel them up to your room, you know, and a lot of, you know, a lot of people bring their own food and everything.
00:19:54.020And these people were bringing everything, dude.
00:19:56.780I mean, you would see like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, uh, everything was from, you know, Costco or one of those, you know, everything was Kirkland, like Kirkland brand, you know, that big, like bulk Kirkland brand, you know, Rice Krispies, Kirkland brand lubricant, Kirkland brand, like pool toys.
00:20:19.520And these people, uh, none of them to me were visually appealing, right?
00:20:27.860They weren't appealing to me, but it was swingers, right?
00:20:31.140And then you saw they had this one lady was bringing in the black guy and you could tell he was the fucking hammer, you know, you could tell this dude was flying.
00:20:38.880He might've gotten paid to come here and perform.
00:20:40.900You know, he was that dark dagger, you know, that air, that air, that air meat, you know, that they was FedExing around the fucking country, probably to come in and just satisfy the regional, uh, you know, that regional coont, you feel me?
00:20:57.640So this dude's hitting the airwaves and probably just, you know, just straight up drilling, drilling, drilling in different areas around the country.
00:21:05.460He's popping off, you know, he's sprouting out, you know, he's rooting down.
00:21:10.900And, uh, and some local, you know, local wives.
00:21:14.920I mean, you could already see like these guys probably had posters, you know, that all the white, the white men were going to be like, go get them black guy, you know, like Terrence forever, you know, shit like that.
00:21:25.940Cause this dude was about to pop off on some local wives.
00:21:29.540And, but you had people bust, you know, just people with wheat thins and all kinds of big snacks.
00:21:34.340And I'll tell you this, man, I wasn't into it at all until I'm not even joking till I saw the wheat thins.
00:21:42.640I don't know who did wheat thins or Pringles, but they, they fucking killed it.
00:21:48.900Now those are kind of snacks that would make me want to be at a swingers thing.
00:21:53.140You know, if you, I mean, I don't, I mean, you know, I don't care who I land in.
00:21:59.000If they got a bowl of wheat thins or Pringles next to their orifice or, you know, a little side tray next to the body, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, you know what I'm saying?
00:22:13.580Put a, uh, put some floaties on daddy's dick cause I'm going in.
00:22:35.280But, uh, but anyway, this place, they're like, they're like, oh, well, you, if you guys aren't here with the conference, then you can't be here with the swingers convention.
00:27:25.920She has a husband that got Alzheimer's.
00:27:28.360So, you know, he's always talking about the war and different wars.
00:27:32.260And so if I see him, I always kind of reference, you know, I'll say, you know, welcome back from battle or some shit like that.
00:27:38.460You know, stuff that makes him feel good and makes everybody feel good.
00:27:41.860So that's something that I like to do sometimes, you know, just make him feel like a part of, you know, like they gave him, y'all gave him hell, you know, or, you know, stuff like that.
00:31:18.100I don't know if some people think logger is somebody that's, you know, you know, taking dumps or whatever all over, but logger is somebody that captures trees.
00:31:24.820And I respect loggers, but also, at the same time, pretty easy job.
00:31:29.640You know, if you're a logger, you're hunting, you're hunting trees, dude.
00:32:43.140You know, you had a girl named Big Carrie that was taking, you know, taking on sex locally for, you know, to keep the neighborhood happy and to keep things at bay.
00:32:51.040You know, and I think, I think there always is somebody like that.
00:32:54.160You know, I think there always is somebody like that in every, in every environment, you know, in every time period.
00:33:00.240There's some gal who's taking one for the team and sometimes taking the team for one, you know, who is, you know, who's just, you know, comes into their sexuality, you know, at a point.
00:33:12.840Maybe others aren't and really just pops off and makes it happen for everybody locally.
00:33:17.340And I remember catching up with a couple of those gals at different places.
00:33:47.800Man, she had shoulders like that and she used to set off a bunch of nuts.
00:33:52.440She was always setting people's nuts off, setting off the men's nuts locally and kind of taking one for the team at a certain age.
00:33:58.940So I think we should have a time sometimes when we respect those types of people, you know, because, because, you know, they need, sometimes you need that.
00:34:07.980You know, sometimes you need to take that edge off as a group, as a neighborhood.
00:34:12.740And maybe that's what these swingers were doing.
00:34:14.420And, you know, I'm sitting here judging these people and I would judge and I judged them at the time.
00:34:18.740But, I mean, if to be 50 or 60 and, you know, and not and be pale and to say, you know what, I'm going to take these thighs out and down by the, you know, down into the Ozarks.
00:34:31.820I'm going to take these thighs out there and set them, you know, and warm them up.
00:34:36.260You know, I'm going to get these capillaries going and get the blood flow going.
00:34:40.180And, you know, that's pretty brave, actually.
00:34:42.760It's a lot braver than some of the stuff that I'm doing.
00:34:44.800So maybe I can actually learn when I think back on some of these things instead of, you know, maybe this is where I'm learning, where I'm learning not to really, you know, judge these swingers, you know.
00:34:54.680But that sometimes an area, a specific area needs to just, you know, needs to let out.
00:35:02.420And that there's gals out there like Big Carrie that you just mentioned, sir.
00:35:06.040And that there's just, there's groups getting together just to pop off, you know, just to blow seed and just, you know, feel that vibe.
00:36:56.080I just, you know, I, I don't want to say it's an asexual type thing, but it's definitely a thing to where, you know, getting laid and getting a girlfriend is not my top priority.
00:37:13.360I mean, in fact, it's pretty far down on the list.
00:37:17.060I'd rather, you know, go home and go to work and just have a good day and play some music.
00:37:22.560And, you know, I just kind of wanted to weigh in on that and hear what your thoughts might be.
00:37:29.300And maybe there's other ones out there who just really don't put getting laid on their top priority.
00:37:35.620You know, I appreciate this call, man.
00:37:50.040And I also want to say, I don't know if you were doing an impersonation, but you have, you have, you do a good impersonation mildly of that scientist that's in the wheelchair, the famous wheelchair scientist.
00:38:16.220I've felt like this before, you know, when all these people are chasing this leg and out there, you know, I've felt times where it's like, am I doing this just because it's something that I'm supposed to do?
00:38:34.940You know, am I just being sidetracked?
00:38:38.080Because sometimes I would find that I'm chasing women, not even because, and oftentimes I would find, I don't even say sometimes.
00:38:46.640Oftentimes I would find I'm chasing women just because it's a habit.
00:38:50.820Not even because I'm trying to look for the perfect lady, you know, or that, you know, that I'm searching for love.
00:38:59.340You know, I'd find sometimes it would just be this habit that I fell into that I guess maybe it was my environment or my peers, you know, as I'd listen to other people in there.
00:39:10.120I don't know if it's conquest, but just, you know, well, of course you want to feel attractive to women.
00:39:16.780But there are times where I'm like, is this really what I want?
00:39:21.960Like, what do I, you know, like, do I really have any?
00:39:26.800Because sex a lot of times just bores me, man.
00:39:29.120I just think it's so boring sometimes.
00:39:31.920You know, you're just banging your bodies into each other, just bang, bang, bang, you know, bang, you know.
00:39:39.400Here comes a crazy, here comes a crazy pump right here, bang, bang.
00:39:44.760And it's not even that much joy, you know.
00:39:47.740It's just like, yeah, it's just, you know, it's not like one of you blows up at a certain point and just confetti flies out of you, you know.
00:39:56.580And you win or you defeat them, you know.
00:39:59.880Or, you know, it's not like, I think if there were some prize or something, you know, like if you bang somebody enough, like a trophy, like, you know, popped out of their ass or something crazy.
00:40:10.020I think that would be more, or if there was an old, you know, some guy who never graduated high school, you know, smoking cigarettes and chewing on his last two teeth, you know, who gave you a prize, like a big stuffed animal or a fish with emphysema or something, you know.
00:40:24.900I think if they had something like that, you would find more joy in it.
00:40:28.960But otherwise, I have trouble finding joy in that sometimes, you know.
00:40:34.860Maybe these days we're becoming more asexual.
00:40:37.280I mean, we don't need it to survive that much for sure.
00:40:40.860You know, it used to be you needed a child to help out.
00:40:43.980You know, you need a child to collect wood or get berries.
00:40:47.840You know, you can't make a pie without berries.
00:40:50.480Where's the fucking berries, you know, so you have a son.
00:40:52.880And, you know, you got little Carl or Clark or whatever your son's name is, and he's out there getting them fucking fruits, you know, so you can, you know, cover him.
00:41:04.060You cover him in the distance with a rifle or an archery piece, you know, and you're doing your thing.