11 - 27 - 17 | This Past Weekend #55
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 14 minutes
Words per Minute
167.76431
Summary
Happy Holidays! Happy Holidays from the Shadow Realm of the Universe! This episode is a little bit different than usual, but it's a good change of pace from our normal stuff. This week, we talk about a girl who was born in the late 1800's, a woman who was a witch, and a man who was in a car crash. We also talk about some of the craziest things a kid has ever done in their life.
Transcript
00:00:00.240
Got that baby asthma, bruh. Your cousin got that baby asthma. There we go. Bang, bang. Let's do it.
00:00:48.820
You know, they're talking about let's all have some fun while we all die, these eggs.
00:00:55.100
I'm joking, man. It's not even, that's wrong season.
00:00:58.020
If you're coming in at Easter, boy, if you're trying to put your mouth around a chocolate rabbit, boy, you're being, you are being naughty, you know?
00:01:07.540
Dude, they used to have this girl in our neighborhood at Easter would get them chocolate rabbits and put the whole thing in her mouth and down her throat and everything.
00:01:13.420
And it was, I'm like, I don't, she wouldn't even bite into it.
00:01:17.240
I'm like, I don't think that's, that's, uh, Jesus ain't coming back for that, you know?
00:01:23.740
Jesus ain't coming back for that, for this dark magic.
00:01:29.800
And she, uh, never really developed breasts, was just, I had a big round chest kind of with nipples on the front.
00:01:35.980
And that was just sort of who she was, a real kegerator of a girl.
00:01:42.840
Real solid, almost like a maple or mahogany type of, um, thick, thick skin.
00:01:50.200
Almost like her foot, like a full body staph infection.
00:01:52.980
That's how her, her skin was just thick all over, you know?
00:01:57.100
Like she was a little bit of, you know, kind of skin and something else in there.
00:02:01.480
Like a light, quick crete, you know, like a light.
00:02:27.260
And we are in the 64th shadow realm of the universe.
00:02:32.540
Uh, make sure to get your, uh, uh, to stock up on turquoise.
00:02:38.200
That's a new, uh, reality show, wouldn't it be?
00:02:49.700
But this turquoise haul ain't big enough for the both of us.
00:02:55.020
Could you even imagine that being a damn turquoise hunter?
00:02:59.500
It's just two, like, troubled people out in Tucson, Arizona, just milling around a VFW or an American Legion.
00:03:17.980
You know, sometimes I think about, you know, people listening to this show.
00:03:24.380
You know, I bet there's somebody out there have a baby and they take in their baby, you know, to wherever babies go during the day to be away from their families.
00:03:31.760
You know, dropping them off in the morning or maybe they're, you know, I know we have a Red Bull truck driver out there.
00:03:41.640
We got a man out there who drives a senior citizen wagon.
00:03:47.440
You know, sometimes they have those senior citizen adventure wagons when senior citizens all, because when you get older, you live together in a special dorm or kind of a sorority fraternity house with other seniors.
00:04:00.480
And they have a wagon that will come and pick somebody all up and take you to the mall or to the park.
00:04:05.760
Or sometimes this dude said he called in one time, said sometimes if he gets some of the real incapacitated seniors, he'll just drive them around and tell them they went to the mall, you know, or tell them they went to Asia or somewhere, you know, and make up someplace that sounds pretty fancy.
00:04:20.620
And he said a lot of their joy is just in getting out and about.
00:04:24.140
And he said sometimes he'll even listen to this podcast while he drives them around.
00:04:33.200
I think about a little bus, like a small bus of or special wagon or, you know, a very distinct van, which hopefully have windows on it.
00:04:42.480
There's nothing real sadder to me than thinking about a bunch of seniors in a van with no windows.
00:04:57.520
Maybe I know we have a couple of Middle Eastern listeners.
00:05:01.020
And I think about those guys listening to it out there, you know, playing hacky sack or, you know, collecting, you know, tall pieces of grass to make things to sell on the side of the road.
00:05:12.140
Or I know we got a bunch of, you know, laid up listeners, handicapped, you know, people that's, you know, on disability and whatnot.
00:05:19.420
You know, wheelchairs, you know, you know, people that what are those little things?
00:05:27.060
I've seen a couple of them at my comedy show say that they're fans of the show.
00:05:32.060
And I just think about the unique people, you know, the unique plethora of humanity.
00:05:35.640
We got some mixed people, some brothers and some, we got some ladies out there.
00:05:56.880
And I was just trying to, you know, come up with a little bit of, you know, a little landscape.
00:06:01.180
A couple shorties out there listening, you know, a couple ladies.
00:06:03.660
I'll get some, you know, I've gotten some pics on Snapchat, some breasts and some individual breasts, you know.
00:06:11.700
I never really trust a woman that sends you a picture of both titties at the same time.
00:06:16.920
But, you know, if you have two of something, show one.
00:06:23.760
That's what I've always said if you have a pair of something, you know.
00:06:27.300
If you got two Buicks, you don't show somebody both Buicks at the same time.
00:06:32.200
Because what if you, you know, what if they hate the first one and you're sitting there with another one?
00:07:11.640
You know, I ate one meal outside by candlelight by some cliffs.
00:07:17.200
And this was out in the Hollywood Hills by the cliffs.
00:07:19.700
And they had, you could even hear coyotes in the distance.
00:07:23.880
It could have been a bear with a, you know, with a flute.
00:07:27.320
But it sounded like a kind of a baritone flute.
00:07:51.700
So, I would sack my own deck if I knew there was some knuckle tying in it.
00:08:06.500
Again, it was nice to see Mel Gibson in a movie.
00:08:14.960
I used to date a girl who had the same jawline as Sling Blade, as The Man.
00:08:20.020
And then, I also like that movie, League of Their Own.
00:08:29.680
But you're also talking to a Goo Goo Dolls listener.
00:08:33.380
You're also talking to a guy who almost got molested in a bathroom at a Marilyn Manson show.
00:08:41.240
You're also talking to a guy who used to do steroids on the side of the interstate.
00:08:45.560
With a man that looked like Don Flamenco from Mike Tyson's Punch-Out.
00:08:52.800
And I remember being over at his house and he was crying about Princess Diana died.
00:09:02.420
And I remember trying to be sad and supportive at the same time.
00:09:10.500
But then he, years later, he was doing pills and drove into, I'll give you a second to guess, an embankment.
00:09:26.320
It's way more entertaining than Flakes on a Train or whatever that was.
00:09:34.260
Fucking mystery, train mystery with Johnny Depp.
00:09:41.240
It's not, the directing was bad, but they, you know, it's fun to see, it's fun to see Mel Gibson.
00:09:51.760
It's one of those movies where it's like, you know, you know they're packing it with stars, you know, just to get you into the theater.
00:09:58.700
You know, it's kind of like one of those films that's just like the way it is nowadays, where you feel a little bit taken advantage of every time you go to the movies.
00:10:05.860
Every time I go, I'm like, why the fuck am I just coming back here?
00:10:09.060
It's basically just to see a big screen, I feel like.
00:10:13.820
Actually, what's the movie, the British movie Dunkirk was the last really good movie that I thought I saw.
00:10:24.640
Now, KFC, and that stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken.
00:10:35.740
Think about getting clean and staying dirty at the same time.
00:10:44.080
So you put that bath bomb into the water and suddenly your whole bathroom smells like KFC.
00:10:50.440
You are floating your chicken soup at that point.
00:10:59.280
Even if y'all just roll up your pant legs and stand in the tub with one of those going off.
00:11:04.260
Somebody's going to pop a bit of an erection or, you know, a strong clitoris, you know.
00:11:14.740
If you always wanted to have that, you know, that luxurious chicken feeling wrapped around your skin.
00:11:20.640
If getting that chicken in your stomach isn't enough, you want to be fucking drowning in it, then you can do that now.
00:11:32.000
Some schlubby muppet out there with nine lips and, you know, zero diplomas.
00:11:43.420
Not even, doesn't even own any, just no, doesn't even own a book.
00:11:55.760
You know, that's like, oh, you got to at least, every now and then you should have to, you should have to do a book report.
00:12:03.760
That's one thing they should still have us do as we get older.
00:12:11.760
You're not allowed to leave your house anymore because people are over it.
00:12:14.960
But I saw that Daddy's Home 2, they got the new KFC Bath Bomb.
00:12:22.240
We're on this producer realm right now, this producer, this trial and error with the producers.
00:12:37.460
You can get that Canadian Viagra, make your legs sweat, son.
00:12:41.260
But that stuff would give you that hitter, you know.
00:12:43.560
But these days, can you even have an erection anymore?
00:12:50.520
You're not going to have any, no man is going to be able to fly on an airplane.
00:12:54.520
Dude, is it just me or is every dude on an airplane erect?
00:13:05.260
If I got to go from B to F at the Atlanta airport, I may pop that heat.
00:13:12.100
Man, I may build my own upstairs between my legs, dude.
00:13:21.420
Because you will, it's just, there's something about that airplane.
00:13:25.520
There's something about that, that tram, that jiggle in the machinery or something.
00:13:30.520
Makes your body start to salute the universe with that bone.
00:13:37.680
And I'll tell this story, I've told this story before, but the first time, you know, that, you know, we were in, the first time I saw another man really bring his boner to the attention of a group.
00:13:50.880
You know, that wasn't a pervert, was when we were in the hot tub at this boy's birthday party, Will the Thrill.
00:14:00.920
And I've told this story before, but I'm going to tell it again, man, because sometimes you got to let it go.
00:14:14.280
So, this boy, and we'll call him T.J. Will Carum, because I can't say his real name.
00:14:22.540
But this boy, T.J. Will Carum, he was in a hot tub with us at a birthday, because the boy had a birthday party.
00:14:32.060
And a hot tub, basically, in the south, it's just like, it's basically like making soup out of your family.
00:14:36.860
And it was in the front yard, and he had that hot tub.
00:14:39.880
So, we're all sitting in there, feeling the, just feeling the joy of that hot tub.
00:14:43.320
And that thing is just vibrating and, you know, got the water and just really, I mean, we are just a little damn crockpot of friends.
00:14:51.640
And Big Will Carum, this fella, and this boy was about 30 years old in the 7th grade or 6th grade.
00:15:03.160
And this is back when they'd keep you in school forever.
00:15:05.340
And then eventually, they just made you a janitor if you never graduated from, you know, whatever grade it was.
00:15:10.500
We had two kids go from class to janitor while I was in school.
00:15:15.760
This one black kid named Mr. Larry became a janitor.
00:15:19.800
And one other boy, I don't remember who he was, though.
00:15:24.320
So, and he wasn't deaf or, you know, had sound issues.
00:15:26.600
He just, I guess he didn't have anything to say.
00:15:31.060
You know, he just wasn't real keen on whatever was going on around him.
00:15:34.740
So, anyhow, CJ was under the water in this hot tub pleasuring himself.
00:15:39.660
You know, just petting that old, you know, petting that old nut dolphin.
00:15:46.560
That bone, that bone, that bone, bone, bone, bone.
00:15:52.520
So, and then next, you know, he stands up in the hot tub.
00:15:56.520
And this is when this young fellow starts spraying out.
00:16:00.940
And this boy is just straight suppurating out, you know.
00:16:05.380
Just making freaking liquid ghosts with his wiener into the air.
00:16:09.760
And this one boy whose house it was, named Will the Thrill, he thought that, that CJ Will Caron was basically leaking out of his penis.
00:16:20.840
And was going to die like he was going to get smaller and smaller.
00:16:26.840
So, he grabbed onto that dude's boner to stop it from, you know, ejacking.
00:16:35.380
And I will never, ever forget the sound of that.
00:16:39.740
You never forget the sound of somebody getting punched in the neck when they are holding on to another person's erection.
00:16:52.780
But anyhow, welcome to Monday, November 27th of your life.
00:17:05.380
And do you ever wonder why we continue to get served up the same cookie cutter content?
00:17:11.460
You know, or how many times Hollywood can remake a remake?
00:17:14.340
Or how many new sequels can be milked out of our favorite franchises?
00:17:23.420
It's becoming you go to the theaters and you don't even expect the movie to be good.
00:17:28.720
It's the incredible power that the entertainment industry has amassed.
00:17:38.180
But finally, we consumers can do something about it.
00:17:44.540
LiveTree is changing the entertainment industry by creating a new platform called Adept.
00:17:49.820
The public, listen to me, will be able to fund what they want to watch, own what they help produce,
00:17:56.400
and decide who's in it and what goes on throughout the processes of content creation, funding, and distribution.
00:18:09.860
Imagine being able to help create the amazing content that you want to see and be a part owner of it.
00:18:25.380
I got some good calls that came in this week, man.
00:18:31.080
I've just been dealing with, you know, some dating stuff and not wanting to, I think a lot this week,
00:18:41.280
I've been thinking about a lot of like, just not wanting to grow up, man.
00:18:51.540
I feel like if I do certain things, then I'm giving up my youth.
00:19:00.580
You know, I'm like admitting that my childhood and that my, and I know my childhood is over.
00:19:06.420
It's, as I listen to myself now, it sounds crazy to think that I'm even still thinking about these things.
00:19:22.140
And I think it's just that we have a world out there now where it feels like you don't have to a little bit.
00:19:28.940
But it starts to look really weird if you don't, you know.
00:19:33.600
And I guess it doesn't matter what it looks like to other people and stuff like that.
00:19:36.740
But, you know, you don't, I don't want to end up that old, you know, wrangled old man out there.
00:19:42.520
You know, driving around and laying down in this truck and, you know, just reading romance novels and all of that shit.
00:19:53.040
And trying to do photography and stuff at, like, 60.
00:19:57.000
You know, and just being lonesome and not having any grandkids.
00:20:01.140
Having to pretend other people or other people's kids, grandkids are your grandkids.
00:20:06.760
Or, you know, yeah, these are my step-grandkids.
00:20:15.700
You know, I just don't have to be doing all that.
00:20:17.960
So it just means I got to, you know, get into a place where I can settle down a little bit better.
00:20:28.920
And some of it's about taking risks, I'm finding.
00:20:33.040
You know, it's about taking risks of, like, getting into, like, headlong into a relationship and being stable in it.
00:20:43.040
There's just something sometimes about giving up my freedom that just scares me.
00:20:47.520
I think I think that, like, if I give up my ability to be free, then I'm going to be, I'm not going to be in control of my life.
00:21:04.560
Or I'm not going to be the only one in control of my life.
00:21:09.880
Like, by giving, you know, wholeheartedly into a relationship and stuff that I will be, you know, that I won't be the only one in charge of my life then.
00:21:21.940
And that, I guess, other times in my life when I did that, even times before I even knew I was doing it, you know, probably relationships from growing up as a child,
00:21:35.560
And so, I think there's, like, this innate part of me that's kind of scared to do that.
00:21:41.320
But, but sometimes I guess that's the fear when people say you just have to be brave and just go against the fear.
00:21:48.380
You know, you just have to just know that something is scary and then still go do it.
00:21:57.660
And the tough part is just when it's something you've never done before.
00:22:03.760
Or it's like, say, if you touched a fire when you were a baby or a child and you, and it burned you, then you learned not to.
00:22:10.920
But then as an adult, you know, there's these fires out there that, that they're okay to touch.
00:22:19.380
But we just still, you know, our skin and our insides and our psyche still remember some of the burns that we incurred.
00:22:32.500
Even before we knew what it meant to, like, reach out to a flame or before we knew what a burn even was.
00:22:45.440
Because I think there are things that happen to us when we're so young that we, that we just, you know, that we don't remember, but that our insides do.
00:22:58.220
That our, that our, you know, that parts of us do.
00:23:02.280
Anyhow, I don't want to get all deep, you know, into that kind of stuff, but that's just some stuff that's been on my mind, man.
00:23:08.540
It's just, you know, being okay with growing up.
00:23:15.000
You know, I've spent my money over the years investing in different, you know, real estate projects and things like that here and there.
00:23:23.340
And part of me doesn't, you know, it's like, yeah, I could get a house, but it's like, do I want to do that?
00:23:32.720
You know, have a live-in girlfriend where maybe she leaves her bra or something in the hallway or it falls out of the laundry basket.
00:23:40.060
And then you got a dang brassiere in the hallway, you know, and those types of things.
00:23:44.780
I just don't, and you have plants and you get plants and everything together.
00:23:50.000
I don't know if I'm fucking shopping for damn basil with somebody.
00:23:53.900
You know, I'm not going to be a co, I'm not going to be, you know, I'm not going half in on a damn bougainvillea with a woman.
00:24:04.420
But I think you have to do those things to evolve because I do start to find that I find myself spending in some of the same circles.
00:24:15.120
And if I stay comfortable, then I fear that I won't get to see everything that the world has to offer or get to feel it, you know?
00:24:26.940
And some of those things include, you know, having, you know, grandchildren when I'm older.
00:24:33.340
You know, because you got to, first you have to have your own children.
00:24:36.200
You can't magically just get grandchildren, dude, unless you're a pervert or a kidnapper.
00:24:41.280
You can't just show up with fucking grandchildren if you never had children.
00:24:52.260
Other things people will not believe like, oh, these are my grandkids.
00:25:06.820
But I want to get into a couple of calls here, man.
00:25:09.960
I got to tell you right now, just so you know what's coming up.
00:25:13.980
I had somebody take me to task saying that I'm generalizing black people.
00:25:19.900
But I had somebody to say they've been pleasuring himself and they share a room with an animal.
00:25:25.900
And they're dealing with some of that, you know, how do you deal with self-pleasure if you share a room with an animal?
00:25:36.040
We got a man out there, you know, our own little Dr. Doolittle.
00:25:51.880
I think he sounded a little bit Norwegian, but he could be something else.
00:25:55.020
He hit the hotline and he had to choke out a swan.
00:26:00.160
We got some callers that called in about dating and recovery, being blackout drunk, and a couple of other issues.
00:26:11.260
This gentleman called in from Portland, and he had some thoughts.
00:26:28.720
Hey, I'm just calling about the whole black issue thing you're talking about,
00:26:35.160
which is, you know, from one man to another, I'm not going to tell you what to do or anything.
00:26:41.520
I'm just going to give you kind of my concerns about it, the way you're talking about it.
00:26:45.420
It sounds like you're starting to generalize black people.
00:26:53.620
I could see how that could kind of piss off the whole race.
00:27:02.140
I mean, again, I'm not trying to tell you anything.
00:27:07.080
You know, I'm not trying to say how you should run things or what you should do,
00:27:15.040
And I think he's referring to, I know he's referring to, do black people, do black men get nervous?
00:27:23.500
And I appreciate you calling, man, from Portland, you know, the home of black people,
00:27:28.720
where you had to get the Portland Trailblazers or you never would have even had a black person,
00:27:34.880
probably around, probably within a hundred miles.
00:27:38.400
I'm surprised they don't have Blackdar, that it's an app in your area where you even know
00:27:45.400
I'm surprised that they didn't have to bring one up to the zoo at some point
00:27:48.660
so you guys could come and see as an exhibit, you know, to get to know some.
00:28:05.820
Because I've spent a good deal of my, well, certainly my youth, surrounded by black people.
00:28:12.660
And I think that that's fair for me to, we all have a hypothesis on anything, you know.
00:28:19.880
And people can talk about other races and other cultures.
00:28:25.180
I think it's probably, I can imagine it probably does make you nervous if you live in a white-centric area.
00:28:34.360
Because you probably have never really lived around some real brothers and sisters, you know.
00:28:38.940
You know, I bet you, and I think you should try that.
00:28:44.200
Go spend some time down in New Orleans, you know.
00:28:47.200
Go spend some time down there where, you know, where they have real, some real blacktivity going on, you know.
00:28:56.800
Where there's so much poverty that, you know, that crime is at an all, is at an unreal high in some black areas.
00:29:03.540
You know, where you're afraid to even meet a black friend because the odds of him living long probably aren't very good.
00:29:11.180
I've had two black friends killed in New Orleans in the past decade.
00:29:20.340
So, you know, it's just a funny conversation to think about.
00:29:37.660
And we also asked black people to call in and comment.
00:29:43.080
Because the first batch of calls we got, it was way too many whites, you know.
00:29:50.160
But, look, man, I'd love for you to come down to Louisiana.
00:29:54.520
Go out to, you know, a place where there's a really good mix of diversity.
00:30:01.320
I do appreciate your call, and we'll listen to the rest of it.
00:30:04.600
And I think if you were to make it funny, I guess that's one way to talk about it.
00:30:14.380
I'm just kind of giving you my thoughts about the generalization of a human race.
00:30:19.440
I think that's kind of what pisses off these blacks.
00:30:48.360
around a culture is somebody that I think thinks everything of,
00:30:54.160
anytime you bring up something about them, that it's generalizing,
00:31:00.540
that it's stereotyping, or that it's, you know,
00:31:05.360
I think you just got to get out and spend time a little bit more.
00:31:30.280
I just don't like it when people complain for shit that they're not.
00:32:03.240
While he's sitting there living in some free meditation in his mind at times.
00:32:14.400
It's a little not fair of me to nitpick at you like that
00:32:39.460
having a black guy come through your stereo speakers.
01:09:36.120
I mean I appreciate what you're saying but I don't know if that's best buddies necessarily
01:10:10.960
of course the dog don't want to spend time with you
01:10:36.120
so that's probably some of what's going on brother
01:10:48.340
so I want you to give him a little bit of room in his life man
01:10:50.980
but thank you guys for being with me this week man
01:11:15.680
we're still getting some things out of our system
01:11:37.220
I mean I'm just trying to not kill myself or others