This Past Weekend with Theo Von - 12-19-16 ｜ This Past Weekend #1

00:00:00.000 Oh yeah, you hear that? You hear it? Ah, it's that time, huh? How you doing, guys, you

00:00:25.780 beautiful Muppets, huh? You crispy wiggers, how are you? How are you? I love that song. 0.99

00:00:36.160 You like that one, huh? You got a Christmas carol? Do you like one? Sentimental feeling

00:00:42.660 when you hear your noises ring. Let's be golly. Ah, that's mine. That's mine, huh? Good morning.

00:00:58.160 It is December, Monday the 19th. It is almost Christmas time, guys. And this is this past

00:01:13.240 weekend. It's the first one I ever done. The first one. I'm seeing how it goes. I'm literally

00:01:20.480 sitting in my closet right now in my apartment in Los Angeles. I hung some blankets up on

00:01:30.360 the walls. I don't even know if that's how you make a sound area for recording. I have

00:01:36.780 a luggage bag laying on its side like it was a casualty of war. And then I have this microphone

00:01:43.600 sitting on top of it. I'm sitting in here. And this is this past weekend. It's December,

00:01:51.680 Monday, 19. And I'm getting in the Christmas spirit. You hear it? New old-fashioned way.

00:02:08.120 Hey, that's mine, guys. Everybody has a Christmas carol. Some people don't, actually. I was texting

00:02:16.300 with this girl, this young lady the other day. She said she doesn't like Christmas carols.

00:02:25.600 It hit me a little. You know, it hit me. I mean, how do you not? Well, she said she liked

00:02:33.100 them like fancy. They got to be played by the instruments only. You know? So, but I guess,

00:02:39.540 I mean, it's, hey, to each their own as long as you're not afraid of hearing this just instrumental.

00:02:48.140 There's an instrument. There's an instrument for you.

00:02:52.620 That's nasty on that, uh, what is that? A saxophone. Yeah, man. Happy holidays, everybody. Merry Christmas.

00:03:07.160 Happy Kwanzaa. Happy nothing, if you believe in nothing or if you, you know, you don't like joy.

00:03:14.280 I like the holidays, man. I like Christmas. I'm excited. I'm going back to New Orleans this

00:03:19.020 weekend or to Baton Rouge. Actually, my family all lives there. I got five, count them, five nieces

00:03:28.180 and nephews. They've been, my brother's been spraying out and, uh, my sister's been not from

00:03:35.760 each other, but my sister got two children with her husband. I got five glorious little nieces

00:03:43.840 and nephews and nephews and they are just, just little nihilists, but they're beautiful.

00:03:50.500 Um, we're going to do it all, man. We do it all. When uncle Theo's in town, we do, we make,

00:03:57.540 we do maybe a little bit of crafts, you know, maybe we do some, uh, we'll do some, uh, you know,

00:04:05.540 make some baked goods. Uh, we'll do the sleepover, the ghost stories. Ooh, Christmas ghost stories,

00:04:12.980 bruh. What? Great idea. Great idea. Somebody ring the great idea bell. Christmas ghost stories.

00:04:24.780 Man, I'm smart, dude. You get to hear a little bit more of that just for this. Just, oh, you

00:04:29.580 know what I'm saying? But this is this past weekend, man. Um, that's this coming weekend.

00:04:42.740 I'm gonna go see the family leaving on Wednesday this past weekend. Uh, I had sets at the comedy

00:04:49.900 store here in Los Angeles. Um, it was Ron White's birthday on Saturday night on. Yeah.

00:05:00.020 It was Saturday night. I was in the green room. Um, and Ron, Ron White was talking about

00:05:08.180 how, and if you don't know Ron White, he's one of those guys from the blue collar comedy

00:05:12.960 tour and he's just a funny comedian and he's been spending a lot of time at the comedy store.

00:05:17.360 So, you know, you get to interact with him. I'm not great buddies with him. Um, you know,

00:05:22.380 I might like to be, but we don't, you know, I just see him from time to time. We'll chat a

00:05:27.160 little bit about this and that. I don't know if he could pick me out of a Theo lineup, but,

00:05:34.200 um, but anyway, he was talking about his birthday. He's like, yeah, 55 minutes till I'm 60. Uh,

00:05:44.100 and he had a cigar and just excited. He was excited about his career. That's what we were

00:05:49.100 talking about. You know, is it hard to get excited about your career when you've had so

00:05:53.400 many highlights like him? And he said he's more excited now, uh, doing new material than

00:06:01.440 he has been in the past. That was cool to hear. That was cool to hear, man. Uh, so yeah,

00:06:08.700 it's Monday. I'm up. This is going to be the new deal on Mondays. I'm going to put this

00:06:12.540 up talking about this past weekend, letting some of you guys know some future dates. I'm

00:06:18.300 coming to Virginia beach on the 26th through 29th of January. Uh, and I'll be at the Chicago

00:06:25.840 improv. It sounds like it's in Chicago. It's in Schaumburg, Schaumburg, Illinois. It's about

00:06:35.800 probably about 15 minutes, 20 minutes outside of the city, February 2nd through 4th. And you

00:06:45.300 can check out all my tour dates, theovan.com slash tour. But this past weekend, I, you know,

00:06:52.960 I went to, I did the comedy store. Um, I didn't have any dates, man. I didn't, I didn't have

00:06:59.080 any dates this weekend. You know, I'm looking for, uh, you know, I'm looking for love. They

00:07:04.640 don't look, but you know what? I'm looking, you know, I might hang up a little mistletoe

00:07:08.940 cause it's that time of year.

00:07:16.480 Ah, love that one, man. I love that. Look, man, I'm the kind of guy, this is true about

00:07:24.620 me for karaoke. Some people are good. Oh, that's the way to get a woman laid or a man laid. 1.00

00:07:33.800 If you're into laying men, you take a, you take a, you take somebody to karaoke and you 0.99

00:07:39.840 just slay them, get up there and just drop some sweet throat on them. And I see guys do 0.98

00:07:47.820 that, you know, they're on a date, then they hit up, get up there, hit some Aerosmith or,

00:07:51.640 uh, some young jock, you know, and really set the ladies, uh, get the ladies, you know,

00:07:59.660 crotches to feel them all squirrely, but not me, man. If I do karaoke, the only song I'll

00:08:08.020 do is rocking around the Christmas tree, bro. It could be year round year round. I'll do

00:08:15.480 rocking around a Christmas tree. That's right. Because, because, because of the wonderful things

00:08:23.000 he does, uh, no, because nobody's going to get pissed at you. You know, I think I'm worried

00:08:30.020 about what other people think when it comes to that. So I get up there and, uh, and I'm

00:08:37.460 petrified of karaoke, man. I'll tell Stan, I could do standup jokes all night, but karaoke,

00:08:42.580 ah, somebody help me. I get scared up there. Um, so I do rocking around the Christmas tree

00:08:50.480 because nobody's going to get mad at a guy doing a Christmas carol, you know, and it's

00:08:56.100 a short one. It's two minutes long and you don't have to be able to sing. And you know,

00:09:02.400 there's still a little bit of joy in the air when you're done. At first you might be like,

00:09:06.700 who the fuck is this yo-yo? But by the end, you're like, ah, it's over. You know, kind 1.00

00:09:13.420 of neat. You didn't do a bad job. That's what I'm saying. Christmas carols. If you can't

00:09:19.480 sing, you can Christmas carol your way out of karaoke. Don't forget it, huh? Won't you

00:09:24.500 tell them, Brenda Lee?

00:09:25.380 Yeah, it was a good weekend. Um, I had three nights at the comedy store, so who else did

00:09:48.980 I see up there? I saw Bobby Lee, that beautiful little Viet. Uh, and I know I'm name dropping 1.00

00:09:54.520 here a little bit, but just telling you who was there. Um, I love Bobby Lee. If you haven't

00:10:01.140 seen this beautiful little Korean fucking Ewok, I mean, God, I mean, the dude has a, he has 1.00

00:10:11.340 a penis like a, like a sixth finger. You know, if you keep going down your fingers, they get 1.00

00:10:16.080 smaller and smaller. Bobby's got that secret sixth in his pants. Uh, he's a beautiful guy.

00:10:22.680 Uh, always makes me laugh, makes everybody laugh. He was up at the store. Sebastian Maniscalco

00:10:29.260 was there. Um, I mean, the best. If you haven't seen that guy, you and your wife, or your, if

00:10:36.500 you like men's, get in bed, put on some Sebastian, you'll love it. What else, man? Uh, this past

00:10:45.500 weekend, I did a little bit of Christmas shopping online. A little bit, man. Got some last few

00:10:51.000 things. Uh, if you're in my family or circle of friends, I'm going to, this is a spoiler.

00:10:57.240 So I want to cover your ear holes. You're getting either socks or underwear. That's it. Um, this

00:11:06.520 isn't an ad, but I use me undies. That's what I buy. Only thing I wear right now, me undies.com.

00:11:12.480 Um, and you can go to me undies.com slash Theo. Let's make it an ad and get 20% off your

00:11:19.060 first order. And they are good. I'm not even joking. Um, the 30 pound bag of hamster bones,

00:11:27.520 the new album that's coming out in January. I'm excited. We just locked it down. It'll

00:11:32.700 be on vinyl as well. We're shooting a video for that tonight. Um, it's just like a spoof

00:11:41.200 video from, uh, from Panda. You know that song? Panda, Panda, Panda, Panda, Panda, Panda, Panda.

00:11:49.060 Uh, but we're doing that for the hamster, hamster, hamster, hamster, hamster. So stoked for that

00:11:56.500 this evening. We're getting out there. We've got, uh, my partner in crime, Ken is coming

00:12:02.100 over today and we're going to be working on that. What else, man? I'm tired of comics,

00:12:07.820 man. I'm tired of comics getting political. I see all this political jargon and blast in

00:12:12.560 the president elect and shut the fuck up, man. Tell some jokes, you know, since when do com, 1.00

00:12:19.840 I mean, I know that comics, you know, we have a voice and you can share it, but I mean, just

00:12:25.920 the constant every day. I see these people just tweeting about Trump or blasting Trump

00:12:31.760 or, I mean, it's just, come on, you know, move on. It's hack. I feel like it's hack, you

00:12:39.200 know? Um, I mean, the dude's the president. I mean, I live here in California where people

00:12:45.000 are just crying. They got, they had safe rooms for people who couldn't deal with the election.

00:12:51.180 People saying their kids can't sleep at night because of the election. Your four-year-old

00:12:54.700 can't sleep because of the election. That's your fault. Don't you blame that on society?

00:13:01.920 You know, you tell me your poor, your four-year-old's a, he's a lobbyist. He's active in local unions

00:13:08.160 or something. Get out of here with the bullshit. So, you know, you move forward, man. I'm excited. 1.00

00:13:16.360 The guy, uh, look, I'll be honest. I'm excited that there's a, that, uh, feminism was getting 0.99

00:13:20.860 out of control. Jesus. Especially out here in LA, you couldn't sneeze. If you were a dude,

00:13:25.760 you sneeze near a woman, that's air rape. Oh, you're air raping me. What do you mean? I've 1.00

00:13:32.040 got hay fever. So, I'm excited, uh, you know, I'm just, we're moving on, man. You know, there's

00:13:41.580 a lot of people that are, you know, they call people deplorables during the election. Who's

00:13:46.300 deplorable? Humans? Come on. You're going to call your own country people that? You

00:13:51.660 know? If I grew up, I'm deplorable. I grew up deplorable by definition. Poor, you know,

00:14:00.000 nothing. Eating cereal out of each other's mouths like, like baby birds with bad sugar intake.

00:14:07.660 I remember my mother won a perm on the radio once, and that was the greatest day of my 0.62

00:14:14.000 life, I remember. Man, she won that perm, and she just came home beautiful. Ah! Beautiful.

00:14:23.120 You know, I remember, it looked like somebody deep fried my mother's head for about nine seconds.

00:14:28.940 Just, yeah, you get this for that.

00:14:32.880 Oh, we were dancing around that perm. I mean, it looked like the Lord had just licked my mother's

00:14:45.000 head with his own tongue. Beautiful. Ah, yeah. So, anyway, moving on, moving on. Not gonna stick 0.81

00:14:54.560 into things there. Well, yeah, look, that's a president. Boom, let's go. So what? So, you

00:15:01.280 know, so a lot of America's struggling and suffering, and they want, they want somebody who they think

00:15:07.180 represents them, or they wanted something, they wanted to change, you know? It's the

00:15:12.220 world, bruh, you know? 200 years ago, they had, you know, people was getting beaten in the

00:15:18.220 streets with, with hatchets, bruh. We're moving on. So, get your dick out, you know? Get your

00:15:28.620 dick out, or get your breasts out, and let's move forward, bruh. Don't be a Muppet, you know? 1.00

00:15:33.700 Bunch of squirrely Muppets out here. Adult asthma? Jesus Christ, if I meet one more, you got adult 0.97

00:15:40.920 asthma? You should have beat that, buddy. That's for children. That's for children. You're still 0.73

00:15:49.240 riding around? With children's diseases in your lungs? Somebody needs to pat you on the back really

00:15:57.060 hard. Adult asthma. Maybe, maybe God don't want you breathing anymore if you can't handle it.

00:16:04.900 You thought about that? Ah, frustrating, dude. Oh, it can be frustrating. What else? I haven't been on a date.

00:16:14.740 Haven't been on a date in a while. Somebody was trying to set me up with their friend about two

00:16:19.960 weeks ago, but the girl got sick. She came down with a flu or something, so, you know? I don't date

00:16:28.000 the sick, you know? You know? I'm no Mother Teresa, I guess.

00:16:31.740 Everyone dancing merrily in the new old-fashioned way.

00:16:42.960 That's a good one, huh? What's your favorite Christmas carol? Drop it in here at the bottom.

00:16:47.360 If this is on Facebook or Twitter, let me know. And I'll roast some of them next week before,

00:16:54.400 before, when I put up the new episode, I'll roast a couple of your favorite Christmas carols. If you

00:16:58.600 have one, throw it down. If you have any questions you want me to answer, um, put it at the bottom.

00:17:04.600 Drop it into the bottom or wherever this is. Twitter, Facebook, SoundCloud, whatever.

00:17:09.480 And, uh, and these will be up on Monday morning, man, this past weekend. You'll be able to, you know,

00:17:15.900 get a scoop. But no dates, man. No dates. Uh, no masturbation. I'm laying off the masturbation.

00:17:23.480 Um, you know, I got my reasons for it. Uh, I know it's kind of a personal thing to say, 0.96

00:17:32.280 but hey, that's, you know, that's what's, I'm off it. I'm six days sober off the old jerky jerky,

00:17:39.240 you know? Uh, and I wasn't, I don't know if I was having a problem with it, but I was doing it,

00:17:44.640 you know? I've been doing it since I was a child. You know? I'm ready to give it up.

00:17:49.300 You know? I mean, I had some crazy issues when I was a kid or what. You know, I remember I was at

00:17:55.880 the library one time down there in Covington, Louisiana, and this boy, uh, I'm outside of the

00:18:05.860 library, and this boy slammed me up against a tree, this big fella, and he pushed, he took a picture

00:18:13.580 out of his pocket, like some, and he put it right in front of my face. It was pornography.

00:18:18.960 And he's like, you know what that is, boy? And I didn't know what it was. I never seen the

00:18:23.720 pornography, you know? He's like, you know what that is, boy? That's cooter. That's cooter, boy.

00:18:30.460 That's cooter. And I was like, that's cooter. What is going on, man? And then he slapped me too.

00:18:37.880 So, that was alarming. I mean, that didn't have anything to do with the masturbation, but, 0.97

00:18:42.680 but then I found some pornography in my brother's closet. Uh, me and my buddy, we was burying a dead 0.87

00:18:50.740 animal once, and we found somebody buried a stack of nudie magazines in the dirt. Um, I'll talk about

00:18:58.280 that, actually. That's, that's, some of that story's on the album. That's coming out in January.

00:19:02.540 January. Yeah, man. Yeah, that's what's going on, dude. I mean, that's where, so anyway, I'm six days

00:19:10.520 off the, uh, the masty, masty. I feel good about that, you know? And it's no big, I'm just saying, 1.00

00:19:16.920 hey, man, I'm gonna, I'm gonna test out some willpower here, you know? Now, if I'm doing something

00:19:22.380 fancy, maybe I'm in Florida, you know? Or, you know, if I'm in, like, a exotic land, maybe I'll get into

00:19:29.020 it, you know? But for the time being, I'm just trying, uh, taking some breaks from things here

00:19:35.080 and there, you know? Um, haven't been drinking five months now. Staying off the sauce here.

00:19:44.180 That's good. Uh, we had a couple of questions that came in from some people here. Um, Dio,

00:19:51.180 have you ever hooked up with any of the Vanderpump Rules cast members? No, I haven't. Uh, I have

00:19:58.940 not. I'm friends with some of them. Um, light friends. Uh, Kristen is a friend of mine. Uh,

00:20:06.900 Stassi Schroeder, she's coming on the podcast this Tuesday. I mean, I might have to, you might

00:20:13.100 have to go back to masturbation at that point. I mean, that girl, she's beautiful. Uh, she's 0.99

00:20:18.380 from New Orleans as well. Um, allegedly, I'm not sure, but she'll be on allegedly on the

00:20:22.840 allegedly podcast that comes out on Tuesdays with my buddy, Matthew Cole Weiss. Another

00:20:29.360 question. Um, would you still let Andy Cohen bang you? Uh, that was from the alleged, he

00:20:36.500 came on the allegedly podcast last week. Uh, you know, no is the first question. I mean,

00:20:44.400 I'm not, you know, I'm doing ladies. It's, you know, I'm still in the women at this point 1.00

00:20:48.440 of my life and that's where I plan to be, uh, unless God has another plan for me and

00:20:52.560 he wants me to date men's down the road. But right now, dating women's, you know, I want 0.99

00:20:58.320 to have a wife. I want to have a family. I want to be a grandfather. That's what I want,

00:21:02.760 dude. I want to be a, just a creepy grandfather who wears masks to Thanksgiving and wears eye

00:21:09.700 shadow. How about that? Huh? How about that? The grandpa wearing eye shadow. That's beautiful,

00:21:19.380 dude. That's beautiful. Riding a double bike around the neighborhood with two seats, but

00:21:24.440 never has anybody on the back. Wearing a t-shirt that says, I love ghosts. Yeah, that's who I want

00:21:32.320 to be a real grandfather. A real grandfather. Um, what was the question? Oh, so, but I mean,

00:21:40.680 you got to think, you know, if you're gonna, if you gotta go with a man, who's going to be

00:21:46.240 that gateway man, you know, that gets you over to the other side of that gateway woman that 1.00

00:21:52.400 gets you over to the other side. I mean, is there, would be, would there be any better

00:21:58.180 man than Andy Cohen? He said he's down. He said he's down. Would there be a, I mean,

00:22:05.380 who's, you know, who's your gateway gay? Who is it? If you got a gateway gay, uh, let me 1.00

00:22:11.740 know who it is, man. Drop them in, uh, you know, post it, send me it. Who's your gateway

00:22:16.660 gay, man? Who's a good one? Cause Andy Cohen, the dude's cool. You know, I mean, you probably

00:22:23.500 have more chicks that would want to date you after you dated Andy Cohen, right? But 1.00

00:22:29.080 who's your gateway gay? I'm trying to think. Kirk Cameron, maybe? You know, who else? Corey 0.87

00:22:38.520 Feldman? I don't think he's, actually, neither him or Kirk are gay, I don't think, but that's, 0.99

00:22:43.380 that's an exciting pair. You know, who else? Who else, man? Uh, who's your gateway gay? I

00:22:56.860 don't know. I really don't know. But Andy, I mean, Andy, I don't think you're going to find

00:23:02.240 a better one than Andy Cohen. That's it. So I got no plans to make love to that gentleman

00:23:08.680 or to be, you know, involved in anything sensual, but you know, we'll see what God has planned

00:23:13.600 for me. And if I had to cross over, you know, who's the river to get there? Who else? Who

00:23:21.360 else could I even think of? Nick Cannon, maybe? He's handsome. Nick Cannon? Brad Pitt? Come

00:23:28.500 on. Come on. Dude, I would, I would just hide in that man's mouth if he wanted me to. I would

00:23:36.660 just, dude, I would fold my whole body up into a little piece of gum and get into that 0.99

00:23:41.800 man's mouth. But, but that's that, dude. That's the answer to your question, I think. But 0.97

00:23:50.800 yeah, no dates with all that said. No dates. Looking to meet a gal, you know. I mean, I'm

00:23:59.260 hope, you know, you're hopeful. You know, I want a wife. I want a family. You can't force

00:24:04.880 it, though. Dating out here in L.A.? Pshh. Oh, get out of here. It's tough. It's tough,

00:24:12.940 man. I almost want to go to a foreign country, get a woman from another country. You know, 1.00

00:24:17.040 one of the old-fashioned American women. A lot of them are down in other countries. You 1.00

00:24:21.520 know? I just need a hard-working woman. Life's hard work. What else? I'm thinking about buying 1.00

00:24:28.760 some curtains. That's why I need a wife. One of the reasons right there. I don't like 1.00

00:24:32.300 picking out curtains. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing. So picking

00:24:37.660 out curtains, you know, I'm on a restoration hardware and trying to figure it out. And you

00:24:43.200 got to have the thing that runs along the top that they hang from. I don't know what

00:24:48.140 that thing's called. The pipe. I watched the Saints this weekend. I actually got invited

00:24:54.780 to the game. Should have gone. Huge regret. Didn't go. What a loser. Had a chance to be

00:25:01.300 in the box, brother. In the box. With my buddy Jerry Quay Campbell. He's a comedian. Funny

00:25:10.040 young guy. His brother plays for the Arizona Cardinals. The Saints were playing them. But

00:25:15.300 I'm sick of the Saints, man. I've been sick of them for four years. You know? Giving the 0.91

00:25:20.940 money away to Sean Payton. No. Sean Payton. First of all, Sean Payton's. Why does his mouth

00:25:27.640 look like a sphincter? You notice that? His mouth looks like a sphincter. A b-hole on his

00:25:34.420 f-f on his face. You got the booty hole mouth, Sean. I mean, you know, it's stylish, I guess. 0.99

00:25:41.640 It's the new thing. But I just don't, I don't get what's going on over there. It's just Payton,

00:25:48.940 you know, and Tom Benson's, you know, he's babysitting birds in his head. That guy doesn't,

00:25:53.760 you know, he's mentally incapacitated in there. Oh, I just can't cheer this team, man. I love

00:26:00.920 the Saints, dude. I love the Saints. But I just can't, I just, I don't think it's fair. The product

00:26:09.080 that they're, the choices they've made in these guys still being around. Loomis, Payton, they're

00:26:14.360 just poor decision makers at the top office level. Look at all these players we got. Taking all this

00:26:19.960 money, doing nothing. Breeze says the same thing after every game. Oh, we, you know. Breeze says the

00:26:26.960 same thing after, oh, you know, we, we did, oh, we didn't do it. We did do it. We get them

00:26:31.340 next time. Come on. Doesn't that got to say anything? Just money robots, man. Everybody's

00:26:37.560 a money robot, you know. Everybody's a money robot. What else? This week I'm going back to

00:26:45.760 New Orleans. We got the, we got the family stuff, you know. We'll be by my brother's house.

00:26:53.600 We'll probably do church. We'll probably do Christmas for the kids. I'm going to go up

00:26:58.780 to Mississippi and spend some time with some family that I got up there. I'm going to see

00:27:03.960 some friends. What else, man? Nobody invited me to a Christmas party this year. No Christmas

00:27:13.140 parties, man. Maybe some like, actually maybe I missed out on, maybe I was supposed to show

00:27:19.680 up at one, but no real Christmas parties. So this past weekend it was just work. Uh, well,

00:27:27.180 I saw a dude dressed up like a tree on Sunset Boulevard. This is awesome. I saw a dude, he

00:27:34.640 was dressed up like a Christmas tree and he would squat, totally wrapped in a, like he was

00:27:39.700 in the middle, a little guy and he would squat down and just be there. He had, he had lights

00:27:45.260 on him and a couple of cops, a couple of cops approached this guy, telling him he's causing

00:27:52.920 trouble. I mean, he would just, he would walk along the sidewalk on Sunset Boulevard and he

00:28:03.860 would squat down. He would squat down, you know, and just sit and wait till some people

00:28:09.320 walk by and he would just say nice stuff, you know, good tidings to you. You know, you'd

00:28:15.820 hear it, you'd, what? It was enjoyable. It was enjoyable. Uh, what else? What else, man,

00:28:26.100 this past weekend? Not too much, man. Yesterday I really took it easy. Uh, Saturday I did some

00:28:32.740 work most of the day. Um, and that's it, man. That's really it. You know, I want to wish everybody

00:28:42.080 a Merry Christmas, a Happy Holidays. Uh, I'll get better at this. This is the first time I've done

00:28:47.840 it. You know, think about the first time you did something. First time you rode a bike, you're

00:28:53.040 probably fucking horrible at it. You know, first time you, uh, you know, you made a souffle, 0.99

00:29:00.180 whatever that is. First time you made a souffle, you probably was horrible at it, you little,

00:29:05.560 you little anarchist. You wasn't a good souffle maker. So I'm getting better at this.

00:29:15.040 I'm getting better at this. But the breakdown, I'll give it to you right here, was at the comedy

00:29:19.380 store most of this past weekend. Didn't really get invited to any Christmas parties, maybe one or

00:29:24.460 two. Maybe I forgot to respond to some invites. Okay, I'll take some responsibility. I've been

00:29:30.160 laying off the booze. No dates. We're supposed to go on a date with a girl. About a week and

00:29:34.100 a half ago, she got sick. Uh, great, great. That's the kind of women I'm dating. I'm dating 1.00

00:29:42.000 the sick. Send me your tired, you're poor, you're sick. Um, we got the Hamster Bones album 1.00

00:29:47.640 coming out in January. I'll be in Virginia Beach January 26th through 29th. Chicago Improv

00:29:53.640 February 2nd through 4th. I never slept with any Vanderpump Rules cast members. But we got

00:29:59.560 one of them coming on a podcast on Tuesday on the Allegedly podcast. Last week I had the

00:30:04.520 worst show of my life in Florida. Saturday night, second show. It's usually one of the

00:30:09.980 best. Half the crowd walked out. There was some drunks fighting in the beginning. There

00:30:15.120 was a woman dressed like a tall kind of pit bull with bedazzled sequins, hats, and sunglasses 1.00

00:30:21.660 inside. Anybody who wears sunglasses inside, I hope you get electrocuted, bro. I really 0.99

00:30:27.100 do. I hope you get electrocuted, dude. I hope you don't. I hope you actually do not get 1.00

00:30:35.540 any of this. Let me start it over. That's for you. That's for you. Actually, that's not

00:30:45.120 for you. I hope you get electrocuted. Trying to get some new curtains. I'm sick of the saints, 1.00

00:30:49.940 man. I love them. They're my team. But come on. This defense has been horrible for 10 years.

00:30:56.600 Five defensive coordinators we've gone through now. Five. Five defensive coordinators. Huh?

00:31:03.520 Dude, if I got five dogs at the house and they ain't doing nothing, each one of them, and

00:31:09.460 they're all from different families, different DNA, it's my fault. You know? I just want to 1.00

00:31:15.460 see people take some responsibility, man. That's what it's about, guys. Take responsibility.

00:31:21.780 Move forward. Something's bugging you. You got a hitch in your giddy up? Huh? You dating

00:31:27.040 the sick? Move forward, dude. So, that's it, man. I'll see you guys next time. Next Monday, 0.99

00:31:35.240 I'll post up. It'll be after Christmas, so I'll talk about that. We'll talk about New Year's

00:31:39.380 if you got some resolutions. If you got any questions, post them below. I'll get to them.

00:31:43.720 Thank you for the two people that sent in questions. I forgot to write down their names,

00:31:47.140 but I'll thank them next week. Be good to yourselves, huh? Because nobody else is gonna. Not like

00:31:55.220 you want them to. God bless you guys, man. Happy holidays.

00:31:59.280 Rockin' around the Christmas tree at the Christmas party, huh? Ooh-hoo!

00:32:08.040 Hey, you can see every couple times we stop. Rockin' around the Christmas tree at the Christmas

00:32:18.120 while you're at rain. Later we'll have some fucking pie and we'll do some catering. 1.00

00:32:29.280 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be 0.97

00:32:40.440 sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure

00:32:45.280 your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't.

00:32:52.040 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages.

00:32:57.560 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.

00:33:03.560 Longer than anybody else. So great.

00:33:06.580 Aye, swee-ah. Here's a deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.

00:33:13.480 Jermaine. 1.00

00:33:14.720 Ho-ho! I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

00:33:18.540 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

00:33:20.620 Ho-ho-ho! No! 1.00

00:33:22.180 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

00:33:25.360 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

00:33:29.540 Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

00:33:33.720 Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts, or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

00:33:39.520 And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.

00:33:42.600 Thank you.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - December 19, 2016

12-19-16 ｜ This Past Weekend #1

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