This Past Weekend with Theo Von - February 19, 2018


2-19-18 War of the States ｜ This Past Weekend #75


Episode Stats

Length

1 hour and 24 minutes

Words per Minute

178.37563

Word Count

15,075

Sentence Count

1,397

Misogynist Sentences

55

Hate Speech Sentences

36


Summary

Tiny Sandwhal is back and better than ever. He covers John Mayer's song "Another Kind of Green" and it's just as good as you'd expect from a John Mayer cover of a song that sounds like a pigeon trying to learn to swim.


Transcript

00:00:00.000 This episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza. Gray Block, for that pizza you need.
00:00:06.940 This past weekend.
00:00:16.660 Yeah.
00:00:24.020 It's Monday.
00:00:30.000 It's Monday.
00:01:00.000 And that's Tiny Sand Who.
00:01:01.840 And he sent that to me on my inbox for Valentine's and he said, give this to the people.
00:01:07.700 And actually I'll read the email right here.
00:01:09.620 He said, hey yo, sorry about the tardiness.
00:01:11.680 Hope this shit get there in time.
00:01:14.320 Just crank this out.
00:01:15.920 And I decided to show some respect.
00:01:17.760 Mr. John Mayer, too.
00:01:20.360 With a cover of his song, Another Kind of Green.
00:01:22.880 And so that it is right there from Tiny Sand Who, from me to you right there.
00:01:30.160 Let's hear one more time a little bit of that riff.
00:01:39.040 And that sound, if you notice, it sounds a little bit like a pigeon trying to learn to swim a little bit.
00:01:44.080 If you listen to that.
00:01:45.340 You know what I'm saying?
00:01:45.840 Take that vibe in as you're hearing it.
00:01:56.700 You know, it's got that a little bit of that tinge of it's like somebody trying to jerk you off while you're trying to kind of hold your breath underwater.
00:02:02.620 If that means anything to anyone, take that in while you hear it.
00:02:10.240 You know, you're trying to hold your breath and somebody trying to jerk you off a little.
00:02:18.880 And now then he catapults.
00:02:20.920 Listen to Tiny.
00:02:21.640 He's going to take us up that staircase right here.
00:02:25.520 Come on, Tiny.
00:02:27.040 You can do it.
00:02:27.860 Tiny, get big.
00:02:32.620 And that's that Tiny Sand Who right there.
00:03:03.100 Happy belated Valentines and happy February 19th.
00:03:10.420 And that last riff there by Tiny, man, he just, you know, when he really blows up there at the end and he just lets it all hang out, it sounds a little bit.
00:03:20.060 It sounds like somebody just putting kind of just lukewarm caramel onto a baby's back.
00:03:25.420 If you'll hear this one more time.
00:03:26.700 Take that in while you get this.
00:03:30.580 There he comes in with that knife.
00:03:33.380 He got that jar.
00:03:35.940 And that's that creamy right there.
00:03:40.980 Tiny putting that creamy on that baby's back.
00:03:45.020 Cream that baby up, boy.
00:03:46.560 Put a little bit of chunky on his soft neck.
00:03:54.940 He's spreading that sweet peanut butter, spreading that sweet caramel onto a baby right there.
00:03:59.840 And that's that beautiful hitter right there from Tiny Sand Who.
00:04:03.480 Good to be back with you guys.
00:04:04.820 Sorry, I didn't get a Thursday episode up.
00:04:07.540 But you know what?
00:04:08.340 That's how life does it.
00:04:10.420 Had a crazy week.
00:04:11.540 We're doing the we got a pilot for Comedy Central, you know, and I'm grateful.
00:04:15.840 It's a digital series.
00:04:17.020 You know, they're putting us on the digital, the digital network.
00:04:20.060 You know, we're going to put it out there.
00:04:22.480 And it's based on the podcast, you know.
00:04:24.580 So it's, you know, it's young dudes and young women, you know, and even maybe even people that's, you know, in the middle.
00:04:33.900 People that's running that dual, you know, dual sex citizenship.
00:04:39.260 People that's running both operating systems at the same time.
00:04:42.860 You know, transgender.
00:04:44.700 Everybody's welcome on the show.
00:04:46.040 And it's, but yeah, it's like helping people get, you know, get tight.
00:04:50.620 Because we all running a little bit loose.
00:04:54.020 I'm coming to you from La Jolla.
00:04:55.520 I'm down here in La Jolla, California.
00:04:56.840 Just went for a run.
00:04:58.360 I'm here at the La Jolla Comedy Store.
00:04:59.980 I want to thank everybody that's come out.
00:05:01.900 We've sold all the shows out so far.
00:05:04.180 Just been two shows on Friday.
00:05:06.360 We got two tomorrow.
00:05:08.080 Down here with little Essan.
00:05:10.300 And he is Middle Eastern.
00:05:13.440 And we also have another gentleman named Jeremy Sipio, who is a young black gentleman.
00:05:18.000 Both friends of mine.
00:05:19.700 And Jeremy kind of has that syndrome where it's like a white man kind of stuck into a black man's body.
00:05:24.820 And if you ever met a real, you know, it's like if they had like Death of a Salesman,
00:05:31.840 like Jeremy would play Willie Loman.
00:05:34.220 You know, he's got that, you know, he's that briefcase brother.
00:05:38.340 You know, he's like that.
00:05:40.140 But both very funny men.
00:05:41.600 We've been having a good time.
00:05:43.080 The show's already sold out for, you know, the rest of the weekend, hopefully.
00:05:48.860 So I'm coming to you guys.
00:05:51.200 And it's beautiful.
00:05:52.100 And the sun is hitting this bedroom right now.
00:05:54.340 I just went for a run.
00:05:56.640 Man, La Jolla, you go for a run out here.
00:05:58.960 It's, I mean, everybody's beautiful.
00:06:02.960 They got, I mean, they got tits and ass.
00:06:07.100 And, you know, I saw a girl had a chin implant that was at least a fucking, you know, a small B cup.
00:06:15.960 I'm like, damn.
00:06:18.180 She got them chits, you know, them chin tits.
00:06:21.900 And she had them.
00:06:23.660 And so there's just beauty running up and down.
00:06:26.000 I mean, my goodness.
00:06:29.180 You know, you just see all of it.
00:06:30.920 And people putting, you know, slickener in their hair and gelling their bodies up and getting outside and letting people kind of see their skin.
00:06:38.600 And you could see pets.
00:06:40.100 Even the pets are fucking beautiful.
00:06:42.860 I mean, even the pets are damn.
00:06:44.520 I mean, I saw a, I saw, I think it was a Bichon or something or an Australian terrier.
00:06:52.880 And that thing had some, I mean, that thing had some hip, had some hips on it, to be honest.
00:06:58.140 And I don't look at animals like that.
00:06:59.920 I never have.
00:07:01.080 But that thing had some hips on it.
00:07:03.800 But good to be back, man.
00:07:05.240 Good to be with you guys.
00:07:07.400 You know, I want to update you on a few things.
00:07:09.000 We got the hamster rancher video.
00:07:11.320 It's just been this past week.
00:07:13.120 I didn't get time to rest.
00:07:14.800 You know, I booked too many comedy sets.
00:07:16.960 And I was shooting a pilot all day each day.
00:07:19.760 And then I had to take a train down here to La Jolla.
00:07:22.740 And, you know, I'm grateful.
00:07:24.380 I'm grateful to be busy.
00:07:25.520 But that lifestyle is fast.
00:07:27.860 You know, it's fast.
00:07:28.940 And at the same time, you know, I'm trying to keep my head above water.
00:07:32.620 And I just last weekend, I forgot my medication at home.
00:07:36.300 I don't know if anybody's ever been without a medication.
00:07:40.000 But, man, you'll get bent out.
00:07:41.640 The first day, if I don't take antidepressant, the first day, I'm okay.
00:07:45.020 I don't notice it.
00:07:46.260 But that second day, boy, you know, they could have a bunch of birds outside.
00:07:51.520 And all I'll hear, I'll hear like a, you know, I'll hear, you know, I'll hear like an angry crow.
00:08:00.020 You know, they'll have a bunch of sparrows chirping and doing the, you know, doing the Lord's verbal diligence.
00:08:05.360 But I'll hear like an angry crow like half a mile away.
00:08:10.840 You know, and that's what sometimes being off the antidepressants does for me.
00:08:13.360 It makes me all bent out.
00:08:15.780 It makes me, you know, just real on edge.
00:08:19.320 You know, like I'm, you know, like I'm, like I'm, like I'm, like I'm living on, like my, like my brain is living on an inline roller skate.
00:08:29.360 You know, those inline roller skates where the, the, the wheels are in a row.
00:08:33.600 It's like my brain is riding on one of those.
00:08:36.300 And it's rated, it just, it's just wobbling.
00:08:39.360 It's, you know, it's, it's wobbling.
00:08:42.460 But, so it took me a couple days, man, I had to regroup.
00:08:45.180 And I just hit that run out here.
00:08:47.260 I got that four mile hitter in.
00:08:50.180 Because I'm, one of my goals this year is to get that body pump.
00:08:54.460 You know, and some people, they like that old fashioned body pump.
00:08:57.540 You know, you outside and, you know, putting butter on the legs and pushing, you know, going to prison just to, you know, be able to work out that old kind of, that old school kind of shit.
00:09:08.920 But I like that.
00:09:11.080 I like that, you know, you go to the gym, you get that maybe 70 minute workout in.
00:09:16.860 And you get that full body pump.
00:09:19.340 I like my whole body to feel pumped up.
00:09:22.080 You know, some people want that one muscle group.
00:09:23.920 I want that whole body pump.
00:09:25.280 You know, I want to feel like my, you know, my skin kind of lifted off the bone a little bit.
00:09:31.440 You know, I want to feel kind of light in the legs.
00:09:34.840 You know, I want to feel like, you know, I want to feel my balls kind of bubbling up by the top of my sack.
00:09:41.600 You know, I want to feel that body pump.
00:09:43.620 I want to feel that warmth.
00:09:45.280 I want to feel it inside of me.
00:09:46.920 So, yeah, I'm down here in La Jolla and it's been good.
00:09:50.680 And thank you guys for your support.
00:09:51.900 Had a good time in Portland last week.
00:09:55.100 Some people wrote in like, Theo, what happened in Portland?
00:09:57.580 What was going on?
00:09:59.380 And I didn't comment much on it, you know.
00:10:01.700 And then, you know, I thought more about it.
00:10:03.640 And I'm like, well, some things, you know, I should comment on and some things I shouldn't comment on.
00:10:08.500 And, you know, I had a good experience at Harvey's.
00:10:13.540 You know, we had a lot of great people come out.
00:10:15.580 A lot of people came out.
00:10:17.000 I mean, honestly, and I want to put some photos up.
00:10:19.120 I probably had 10 people that came out.
00:10:20.500 It was their first time ever at a comedy show.
00:10:23.760 You know, and that's pretty amazing, you know, just to have that opportunity to be somebody's inaugural experience.
00:10:30.140 But we just had an issue one night on the stage.
00:10:33.100 It was, I think it was the third show on Saturday or something.
00:10:37.920 The emcee was just going through a tough time.
00:10:40.760 And he and I got into some differences backstage.
00:10:43.880 And he just, you know, he just said some offensive stuff.
00:10:47.600 And then he brought me on the stage.
00:10:48.940 And so it was just awkward.
00:10:51.160 You know, and I'm not, I'm not, look, I'll take responsibility.
00:10:55.140 Like, I probably, you know, could have been kinder to him off stage maybe.
00:10:59.720 Or I could have recognized maybe if he was going through a tough time.
00:11:03.340 You know, I don't think I was as keen as I could have been.
00:11:05.500 But yeah, so then it was just awkward.
00:11:09.260 So this dude's like, you know, you know, F-bomb this, F this guy, fuck D.O., blah, blah, blah.
00:11:15.740 Then I got to come out and perform.
00:11:17.420 So it was the strangest thing I've ever been through.
00:11:22.820 You know, I've never had an issue at any comedy club I've ever been to in my life.
00:11:26.080 Ever.
00:11:27.300 I'm trying to think of one issue that I've had.
00:11:29.120 Maybe, you know, people in the audience being wild.
00:11:31.680 One lady bought a snake one time down near El Paso.
00:11:34.720 One lady bought a rattler.
00:11:36.260 And let that bitch loose.
00:11:38.300 Because it was her birthday or something.
00:11:40.140 Or, you know, her, you know, her brother's quinceanera or something.
00:11:43.620 And they're setting it off.
00:11:44.820 And they let a rattler loose at that club.
00:11:47.600 But outside of that, I've never been involved in anything at a comedy club.
00:11:52.600 You know, one time, actually a long, long time ago, me and a gentleman did get into an argument.
00:11:56.820 He was in the audience.
00:11:58.500 And I got into the crowd and had to choke him down a little.
00:12:02.260 You know, give him that light choke, bro.
00:12:04.260 You know, give him that fucking hard scarf, you know.
00:12:07.380 And the problem was, while we're sitting there wrestling on the ground, I had the microphone with me the whole time.
00:12:12.780 So we're arguing, fighting, rolling around.
00:12:15.560 And the whole audience can hear every little part of it, you know.
00:12:19.480 Even to the point where, you know, when you're like, you know when a fight stalls out and the two dudes are just like,
00:12:24.360 Let me go.
00:12:25.200 You let me go.
00:12:26.040 I'll let you go.
00:12:26.840 Let go of my hair.
00:12:27.660 You let go of my hair.
00:12:28.580 Let go of my hair.
00:12:29.200 All right.
00:12:29.720 One, two, three.
00:12:30.580 Boom.
00:12:30.980 Right?
00:12:31.240 And then everybody lets go.
00:12:32.240 So, the audience was listening to all of that up close because I had the microphone right there with me.
00:12:39.240 So, man, by the time we stood up from that, the audience was howling.
00:12:43.600 Because it was like they were behind the scenes on a fight, you know.
00:12:46.680 They were behind the scenes on a fight.
00:12:49.100 So, but yeah, that was the thing.
00:12:50.800 The guy was like, fuck you.
00:12:52.280 You know, Theo's a fucking asshole.
00:12:54.880 And he brought me up.
00:12:56.620 And it was just, you know.
00:12:59.300 And I didn't say anything on stage.
00:13:00.940 And I probably, that's, well, I just didn't want the crowd to feel uncomfortable.
00:13:04.260 Because it was always, it was really uncomfortable.
00:13:07.620 You know.
00:13:08.580 And I know the guy's probably going through, you know, the dude had had, you know, he hadn't been having a good weekend at all.
00:13:15.420 And, and he was, you know, he was opening up the show.
00:13:18.340 And I'd asked him not to use profanity at the front of the show.
00:13:20.880 Because, you know, I drop, I drop some.
00:13:24.280 And I, you know, one of the rules in comedy is if you're too blue up front,
00:13:27.800 then it doesn't leave room for the dude at the end to be blue, you know.
00:13:31.620 Like if the first guy drops a bunch of F-bombs,
00:13:34.320 then, you know, the crowd might not be ready for all that.
00:13:38.400 And so it just can make it tricky out of the gate.
00:13:41.680 So anyhow, that was the situation.
00:13:43.800 Am I blaming the dude?
00:13:45.840 You know, no, I'm not.
00:13:47.720 But here's the crazy part.
00:13:49.140 The club left him in the building.
00:13:51.080 So here's a dude that was like threatening me.
00:13:55.120 And then brings me up on stage.
00:13:58.760 And then the club just is serving him booze the whole time and left him in the building.
00:14:03.480 So then he brings me off stage at the end.
00:14:05.800 So when I get off stage, he's coming back up.
00:14:08.320 And I'm thinking, does this dude want to wrassle?
00:14:10.600 You know, does this dude have a dagger?
00:14:13.940 You know, is he going to try to, you know, do we have a syringe of bleach?
00:14:16.520 And he's trying to, going to try to get me in the net?
00:14:18.420 You know, is he going to try to give me that ultimate white neck?
00:14:23.580 So it was just, it was just poorly run.
00:14:27.920 You know, I will say that.
00:14:29.120 And the people that booked me and everything were cool, but it was poorly run.
00:14:33.160 And so I want to apologize to my fans that came out
00:14:35.720 and were in an environment that they felt was poorly run.
00:14:40.040 Because, you know, I take responsibility for what my fans come out to see.
00:14:45.360 You know, a lot of my fans are my friends.
00:14:47.580 So I take responsibility for what they come out to see.
00:14:51.340 And if they come out to a show and the emcee, the dude who's, you know,
00:14:55.420 is yelling, fuck this dude.
00:14:57.340 You know, I'll fuck him up, all of this shit.
00:14:59.660 And the club's letting him stay in the building
00:15:01.440 because they're not paying attention to their own stage
00:15:03.640 because they're just worried about whatever else.
00:15:06.660 Then you know what?
00:15:07.500 That's not, it's not a fair way to treat somebody.
00:15:10.680 And it's not a fair way to treat audience members.
00:15:15.340 And I feel like at that point, I'm like, and I'm not whining about it.
00:15:18.680 You know, it's like, you know, the dude was going through a tough time.
00:15:22.020 I get it, man.
00:15:22.600 We all go through tough stuff, you know.
00:15:24.900 And I'm not even generally mad at the guy.
00:15:27.080 I'm really not.
00:15:28.200 You know, I've been there.
00:15:30.940 You know, I've been through, I've been through, I've had a lot of anger.
00:15:33.120 You know, and I'll admit I had some part in it.
00:15:38.260 I probably could have handled myself a little bit better with the guy.
00:15:41.040 You know, recognize he was going through things.
00:15:43.260 But the club that leaves a dude in there, that wasn't cool.
00:15:48.620 It wasn't cool.
00:15:50.380 So outside of that, I think most of the people that came out,
00:15:53.360 we had a great experience.
00:15:56.160 You know, and that was that.
00:15:57.780 And that was that.
00:15:58.440 But everybody's been asking.
00:15:59.880 And so, you know, I wanted to comment on it.
00:16:02.080 But I'm not saying don't go back to the club.
00:16:04.180 I'm not saying that they're not a good place.
00:16:07.780 But I'll say that it was the most awkward experience I've ever had at a club over the weekend.
00:16:12.860 I will say that, you know.
00:16:15.560 Anyhow, what else, man?
00:16:16.560 Let's get into what else.
00:16:18.380 I got that body pumping.
00:16:22.240 And I'm down here in La Jolla.
00:16:24.720 You know, one of the things that happened to me sometimes,
00:16:27.060 this used to happen a lot when I was on the road.
00:16:28.840 You know, you'll get a couple of Muppets that'll reach out
00:16:31.180 trying to catch that meat, you know.
00:16:33.700 You know, you get some ladies you haven't talked to in a while
00:16:36.240 and they hollering at Daddy.
00:16:38.080 They see Daddy's name on a sign.
00:16:39.740 They're dropping, you know, a text, you know.
00:16:42.340 Remember this?
00:16:43.080 I met you, you know, six years ago behind the Mexican grill.
00:16:48.280 You know, remember this?
00:16:50.400 You know, you met, you know, you used to know my girl Janet.
00:16:53.160 You know, we met up by the, you know, we all went over to the park
00:16:59.140 and we're on a swing set drinking liquor.
00:17:02.320 You remember this?
00:17:04.340 You know, it's like, you got to fend some of that off.
00:17:08.660 You know, I noticed as I get in this zone,
00:17:10.320 I got to get a little more focused on my shows, man.
00:17:13.220 You know, now when I was a little bit younger, I'd be out there,
00:17:15.760 you know, and, you know, a lot of these ladies whistling at this meat.
00:17:20.000 And a lot of ladies trying to catch this hit of ham in their jaw.
00:17:25.200 But now I'm trying to, I'm trying to stay focused.
00:17:28.740 I got my eye on the prize.
00:17:30.920 And I just put an orange slice in my mouth.
00:17:34.300 And I'm sorry, I know people don't like to hear people eat,
00:17:37.020 but I just put a beautiful little orange slice in my mouth.
00:17:40.220 And God damn, that thing was beautiful.
00:17:43.080 I mean, I love oranges.
00:17:44.280 Now, some of y'all know,
00:17:46.820 my brother used to eat a lot of oranges when we were children.
00:17:50.000 And I strongly remember, I remember watching him eat oranges.
00:17:53.900 And I just remember thinking, man, that boy, he's got it made, you know.
00:18:00.440 Because my, you know, I was the environment where like,
00:18:04.340 one of your siblings would go off and get something
00:18:06.480 and then bring it back just for them.
00:18:09.840 Nobody was bringing back two oranges.
00:18:13.140 So you'd be like, damn, this motherfucker got an orange, huh?
00:18:17.140 It'd be Christmas and you're like, damn, look at this bitch
00:18:21.680 with that Christmas orange.
00:18:25.640 And you'd watch him eat that thing.
00:18:28.100 And you'd watch him, you know, rip into the shell of that thing,
00:18:31.600 that orange shell and just see some of that skeet just fly out that orange,
00:18:35.400 you know.
00:18:35.720 And that's just the Lord's backwash flying out of that thing.
00:18:41.360 I'm just sad.
00:18:41.900 Oh, man, you try to catch it in your mouth in the air
00:18:44.020 because you knew that was all you were going to get.
00:18:47.380 And you'd sit there and watch your sibling eat something
00:18:49.620 thinking maybe they'd give you that last piece.
00:18:51.640 You remember that?
00:18:53.480 Be like, damn, he down to two slices left on this orange.
00:18:57.220 Oh, I know one of these gotta be for me.
00:19:02.340 And fucking nothing, bro.
00:19:05.760 Nothing, man.
00:19:07.580 Those are the old days, man.
00:19:09.760 Those were the old days.
00:19:12.160 But yeah, what else, man?
00:19:14.080 I'm down here in La Jolla.
00:19:17.100 It's beautiful.
00:19:19.000 If you haven't been to La Jolla and you want to go to a good place,
00:19:21.060 a lot of people come out to Los Angeles and stuff to, you know, do holidays.
00:19:24.480 Get that La Jolla in.
00:19:26.220 This thing's fire, man.
00:19:27.460 This thing is fire.
00:19:29.700 And, you know, I didn't chime in over Valentine's.
00:19:34.360 And I just want to express my love, man.
00:19:36.500 Thank you guys.
00:19:37.180 Thank you guys for all your love and support.
00:19:39.320 You know, we had a call come in about Valentine's.
00:19:40.880 We're going to get into that.
00:19:41.660 We're also going to get into, we had a call come in from, you know,
00:19:46.600 somebody considering adult sexual prostitution, maybe light prostitution,
00:19:54.740 service work.
00:19:55.860 We're going to get into that.
00:19:57.140 We're going to discuss what state would win if all the states went to war,
00:20:03.100 which could happen.
00:20:04.820 Which state's going to win it all?
00:20:06.540 That's what I want to know.
00:20:07.980 And I got some ideas, and I know you guys do too.
00:20:10.360 Some of you guys hit the hotline.
00:20:11.580 And as always, if you have any thoughts or comments from this week's episode,
00:20:15.040 you can hit the hotline, 985-664-9503, and comment on whatever we have going on.
00:20:24.700 And I want to let you guys know that that's it.
00:20:29.120 Let's go, man.
00:20:29.880 Let's get into it.
00:20:31.200 This was a call that we had come in about Valentine's.
00:20:34.440 Here we go.
00:20:35.700 It's your boy, Scotty J, down in West Palm.
00:20:38.640 Scotty J, down in West Palm.
00:20:40.660 And I have spent time down in West Palm.
00:20:42.800 And last time I was there, I won about $800 at the casino there, at the Hard Rock Casino.
00:20:46.960 And also, one of the first girls I ever met off of Tinder, I met down there in West Palm.
00:20:54.400 And she ended up getting married years later.
00:20:58.780 Onward.
00:20:59.380 I wanted to give you my story about how I almost died on Valentine's Day back in...
00:21:03.640 Love hurts, brother.
00:21:05.100 You almost died on Valentine's Day?
00:21:06.460 Love hurts, man.
00:21:07.460 That's a fact, Scotty.
00:21:08.620 That's a fact.
00:21:09.320 Onward.
00:21:09.700 I died on Valentine's Day back in third grade.
00:21:12.320 So I was getting a piggyback ride from one of my homies in school,
00:21:15.040 this bigger black kid named Jason.
00:21:16.960 Whoa.
00:21:18.500 And right there, I'm going to stop you, man.
00:21:21.940 I mean, piggyback ride, probably the least safest form of travel after Greyhound bus.
00:21:28.480 You got Greyhound bus, and then I think you go to piggyback ride.
00:21:33.060 You know, it's like, you know, you got Greyhound bus, then you go to piggyback ride, man.
00:21:38.540 So this is already out the gate, it's dangerous.
00:21:40.580 You riding on a brother.
00:21:42.080 Onward.
00:21:42.660 I said let go.
00:21:43.620 He didn't hear me.
00:21:44.520 I let my hands go.
00:21:45.760 He didn't let my legs go.
00:21:46.760 And I smacked the ever-living shit out of my head.
00:21:49.280 The only thing I remember much of that day is waking up in the nurse's office and then telling me to ride my bike home.
00:21:55.180 Okay, I already got a couple issues in this Valentine's story.
00:21:59.260 First of all, he heard you.
00:22:01.120 He heard you say don't.
00:22:03.140 He heard you say let go.
00:22:05.240 He didn't want to let go, man.
00:22:07.360 Because the funnest thing to do when you're young is to have your boy struggle.
00:22:11.400 And if he can, you know, suddenly he's giving you that reverse wheelbarrow, you know?
00:22:16.740 He's giving you that dirty dancer.
00:22:19.620 You know, he's just holding you, you know, he got your legs up behind his rear waist and he's dragging your hair along the ground.
00:22:27.160 You know, he's giving you that free salon visit.
00:22:30.100 He's just dragging your hair through the dirt.
00:22:31.720 And next thing you know, while your head hit the ground and you end up in a nursing office.
00:22:36.940 Onward.
00:22:37.500 My brother told me I nearly, I hit every garbage can on our street.
00:22:41.740 And when I got home, I couldn't really speak much English.
00:22:44.080 It sounded like a little bit of gibberish.
00:22:45.720 And I couldn't open my hand to take the Advil from my mom.
00:22:48.340 So she rushed me to the hospital.
00:22:51.600 And when I got there, I threw up everywhere immediately walking in.
00:22:55.040 And they took me right back and took care of me.
00:22:57.140 So I guess the moral of the story would be, you got to go to the emergency room.
00:23:00.720 Throw up as soon as you walk in.
00:23:01.940 The guy's no choice not to take you.
00:23:03.860 It's not a bad thought.
00:23:05.280 Puke as you enter.
00:23:06.500 I mean, that could work for a lot of places.
00:23:08.060 You know, your stepmother's house, your aunt-in-law, any of those places, man.
00:23:13.040 Puke as you enter.
00:23:14.860 So, yeah, man.
00:23:17.260 I mean, honestly, it don't sound like that fucking bad, dude.
00:23:19.860 You know, people get murdered on Valentine's.
00:23:21.920 People come home and find their spouse getting, you know, holed out by a big brother.
00:23:26.000 You know?
00:23:27.680 So, I don't know if this is that bad of a circumstance.
00:23:31.200 You know, you hurt your head in third grade, brother.
00:23:33.220 I mean, it's, I think, I mean, I appreciate the call.
00:23:37.740 You know, it's risky.
00:23:38.840 Piggyback.
00:23:39.420 One of the riskiest forms of travel, dude.
00:23:41.080 And we all know that, man.
00:23:42.460 And it's a gateway also to homosexuality.
00:23:44.580 And I'm not saying homosexuality is bad or anything.
00:23:47.760 But I'm just saying it could happen.
00:23:50.600 It could happen.
00:23:53.240 And that's it, man.
00:23:54.540 That's what's up there.
00:23:56.840 You know, dude, I'm running out on this beach.
00:23:58.600 I can't even tell you how nice it is down here in Florida right now.
00:24:01.860 Or La Jolla.
00:24:03.020 I'm looking out and I just see, you know, I see the trees and I see the beach.
00:24:07.380 And it literally looks like Florida.
00:24:09.580 It looks like Florida, man.
00:24:12.660 You know, and, you know, I don't want to get into it, but my heart and thoughts and, you know,
00:24:18.920 and my love goes out to all the people dealing with the tragedy there in Florida.
00:24:22.020 And that's, I know that's a tough time.
00:24:23.400 And it's tough to see that, you know, and it's, I don't know.
00:24:29.800 I don't know how you find the solution.
00:24:32.160 You know, it makes me want, like, I've never been a parent, but I just wonder how hard is it to know if your kids have guns?
00:24:39.420 You know, if your kids are not doing well, you know, maybe it's just really hard to know.
00:24:47.380 You know, because, yeah, I mean, because, look, you can argue the gun thing all day.
00:24:51.300 It would be great if they, I'd love it if they didn't make any more guns.
00:24:54.940 You know, I'd love it if they made a, you know, if they made a law a lot of times that we got enough guns.
00:25:03.240 You know, I'd like it if we went back to bow and arrows and see who's a real boss.
00:25:08.560 You know, I'd like that action sometimes.
00:25:12.220 But even more so beyond that, it's just what's, you know, how do we know if somebody's okay or not?
00:25:20.260 How do we know if a dude's all right?
00:25:23.660 Because everybody says, oh, we had that kid in our cup.
00:25:27.020 We had that guy in our, you know.
00:25:29.060 And I don't think the video games help either when you got these shoot them up type games.
00:25:32.540 But I don't know if that influences people.
00:25:34.580 I don't know.
00:25:35.120 Oh, man, but it's just such a tragedy of just children going to school.
00:25:40.360 And then, you know, and then they're going to heaven.
00:25:45.720 And it's just disheartening.
00:25:48.520 And then the media blows it all out.
00:25:50.840 Now everything is a social, it's a commentary on society.
00:25:54.600 And it's a commentary on, immediately, it's a commentary on politics.
00:26:01.180 And I wish somebody would shoot up one of these news networks.
00:26:06.620 There you go.
00:26:07.540 That'd be somebody with some real balls.
00:26:10.320 But I just, I feel horrible.
00:26:13.200 Because imagine, you know, a lot of these parents, they probably feel, as much as they don't want to,
00:26:18.700 they probably feel some sadness also for the shooter.
00:26:21.820 You know, for the kid.
00:26:23.840 Because obviously something was wrong with him.
00:26:25.940 Obviously he was hurting.
00:26:27.760 And I'm sure as a parent, you just don't want to see any child hurt.
00:26:31.920 All right, man.
00:26:35.820 I didn't mean to bring us into that hole right there.
00:26:38.340 But it's a real thing.
00:26:42.240 You know, they didn't have that when I was young, I don't think.
00:26:44.260 I mean, they had kids do, guns, you know, they had a, one of my friends was playing Russian roulette.
00:26:51.620 His brother, and his brother was playing Russian roulette and accidentally killed himself.
00:26:56.420 Another young man was playing, had a gun out at a party and accidentally killed himself.
00:27:03.200 You know, I mean, definitely when there's a gun in the room, I don't get super, I'm not the guy that gets comfortable.
00:27:08.220 I'm the guy that usually leaves the room.
00:27:09.760 If there's booze and guns in the room, and you're not like in a hunting environment, I'm out.
00:27:16.280 I'm out.
00:27:17.560 Because that's, because it's usually a knucklehead that brings a gun into that type of environment.
00:27:23.100 But talking about that and talking about what's going on in these, and making people mentally healthy.
00:27:28.960 And then I wonder what factor of it is like, do people even, do humans even mean as much to other humans as they used to?
00:27:39.760 You know, like to, is that, is there something there where we're starting to just lose the human connection?
00:27:47.680 Where, where we, we've, you just look at other humans and you don't get that feeling that we're the same thing anymore, or something.
00:27:55.900 You know, I'm talking about something in the air, in the zeitgeist, that just, that we're not, that connectivity isn't there.
00:28:03.400 That used to be there.
00:28:04.760 I mean, you used to need humans.
00:28:08.440 You know, there was a time when you needed, you needed humans for everything.
00:28:13.460 And now, you can kind of not need humans if you want.
00:28:18.260 You can go a whole day and really not need any humans.
00:28:20.820 You can just need machines.
00:28:22.400 They even have something called life support.
00:28:25.940 It's a machine.
00:28:26.700 You can just be on that.
00:28:31.360 You know, back in the day, if you wanted, you know, some support, you had to go to an actual person, have them just, you know, cheer you on, hold your hand, tell you they love you.
00:28:40.420 Now they got a life support, a machine.
00:28:42.120 So it's just maybe, you know, times are changing.
00:28:45.940 I don't know.
00:28:47.960 I don't know, man.
00:28:48.960 It's just a lot.
00:28:49.920 It's a lot if you let it be a lot, I guess.
00:28:52.580 But I guess, you know, what I try to do instead right now, I'm just trying to embrace this, embrace what's going on, embrace, you know, the things that are exciting.
00:28:59.860 I got to ride down on that train yesterday.
00:29:02.500 They had a, and I'm not going to say that this gentleman was a gay man, but he seemed predominantly gay.
00:29:08.000 Kind of an older black gentleman dressed up, and he asked if he could sit on my lap.
00:29:15.760 And look, I don't want a senior to not have a place to sit down, you know, and I said, he goes, I know this is going to sound, you know, crazy or surprising, but the train is so full.
00:29:30.240 I was wondering if I could just kind of just sit right here by you.
00:29:33.720 And, but by, like, by me, he kind of lowered his, you know, buttocks and his, you know, upper leg onto my leg.
00:29:42.340 I'm like, that's not by me.
00:29:43.720 I'm thinking that's on me.
00:29:45.520 And so I was like, well, I'll get up.
00:29:46.500 You can sit down.
00:29:47.020 He's like, no, I don't want you to not to have a seat.
00:29:48.900 You know, we could probably make this work.
00:29:51.460 You know, it was just awkward, man.
00:29:53.280 And then he, you know, when it was obvious that it was uncomfortable for me, he meandered down the train and found another man who was more willing to get into all of that.
00:30:01.380 And it's, I mean, but it was a nice ride.
00:30:05.400 It was a good ride.
00:30:06.540 It was a good ride.
00:30:08.200 So let's talk about this, man.
00:30:09.560 Let's talk about if the world, if America was, you know, because people are getting separated.
00:30:16.620 You got to keep them separated.
00:30:19.060 That's starting to happen.
00:30:21.420 Because places are so different.
00:30:24.260 Places live by different ideals and what means something to them.
00:30:27.920 Things are getting separated.
00:30:31.760 And I don't blame it.
00:30:33.620 I don't think that the congruency that a lot of, you know, there's this whole agenda kind of thing that pushes this, you know, we're all equals.
00:30:42.560 We're all the same.
00:30:44.140 But it's not the reality.
00:30:47.140 It's not the reality.
00:30:48.340 And I think there's people that just want that.
00:30:51.620 I think there's some people that believe in that.
00:30:55.460 And they believe that in that because their perspective of the world is that, that we are all the same in it.
00:31:00.960 Everything in their little world, it makes sense.
00:31:03.380 And then I think there's other people.
00:31:04.480 It's like, that's not what's going on.
00:31:06.860 That's a great idea, but that's not what's going on.
00:31:09.280 And I think people are, you know, kind of getting back to or finding things that make them, you know, will start to take pride in things that are more local.
00:31:18.800 You know, there's been more local news has been watched in the past year.
00:31:21.640 Did you know that?
00:31:22.800 And that hasn't been the case for probably 10 years.
00:31:26.720 I'm sure it's been on the decline, maybe 20.
00:31:28.420 People are just trying to get back to their roots a little bit, find things that are real to them, find things that they know are accurate in their life and latch on to those a little bit more.
00:31:39.220 And that's why I think you can see the states.
00:31:41.140 I think you can see an all-out state versus state war.
00:31:45.540 And who would win?
00:31:46.400 Where would that start?
00:31:47.220 What would that even look like?
00:31:49.740 What would that even look like?
00:31:51.740 Would your state have a chance?
00:31:53.880 What would that look like?
00:31:55.340 We had a couple calls that came in.
00:31:58.420 And I'm going to pepper those in with my own thoughts and ideas.
00:32:01.580 Let's start off with one of those.
00:32:02.740 Here we go.
00:32:04.500 Hey, Theo.
00:32:05.760 It's Chris calling from Waldo, Maine.
00:32:09.920 Waldo, Maine.
00:32:11.860 I'm sure everybody pull a Where's Waldo on it.
00:32:14.120 And I dressed up like Where's Waldo one time for Halloween, more than one time, before everybody else did.
00:32:20.480 And everybody got on to that shit for a while.
00:32:22.360 I did that shit when I was in eighth grade.
00:32:25.080 And my boy, Tickly Todd, drank some gasoline at the gas station.
00:32:30.240 Because we were also on mushrooms and he had to go home early.
00:32:33.440 Onward.
00:32:34.160 Thanks for calling, Chris.
00:32:35.680 I'm just calling about your topic of the states going against each other in like a war scenario.
00:32:44.940 And basically, my idea is Maine, my home state, would be most likely to be successful in this situation because of all the wholehearted people here, you know.
00:32:55.540 Okay, you say Maine's going to be successful because of the wholehearted people?
00:33:01.480 This isn't a bake-off, Chris.
00:33:03.360 Okay, this isn't recipes aren't coming into play.
00:33:06.380 This is a war, brother.
00:33:08.540 This isn't who got the most pecans in their, you know, in their basket.
00:33:13.920 Wholeheartedness ain't going to help.
00:33:14.900 This isn't who owns the most episodes of Little House on the Prairie on cassette.
00:33:19.900 Let's hear more.
00:33:20.740 We have dairy farmers.
00:33:22.800 We have lobstermen.
00:33:24.900 We have everybody out here.
00:33:26.860 Bro, y'all got milk and shellfish.
00:33:29.640 Two of the most things that people are most allergic to.
00:33:34.940 Dairy and shellfish.
00:33:37.260 Y'all going to have gout and diarrhea, bro.
00:33:40.320 By the end of the first battle.
00:33:42.480 Let's hear more.
00:33:44.540 I once knew a lobsterman.
00:33:46.420 He was fishing out there.
00:33:47.660 And he was baiting the trap because there's bait bags that go in the lobster traps.
00:33:53.480 And he broke his finger on that fishing boat.
00:33:57.040 He drank himself a gallon, I think it was, or a half gallon of coffee brandy, and he was good to go.
00:34:03.240 It's their medicine out here.
00:34:04.760 So you give our war force a little bit of coffee brandy, some half and half milk from our strong dairy farmers.
00:34:12.820 And I think, honestly, we would succeed.
00:34:14.800 Succeed at what?
00:34:17.360 Succeed at seasickness?
00:34:19.340 You just named one man who broke his finger trying to fish.
00:34:24.260 So I got to say, out of the gate, Maine would be out.
00:34:27.400 I've been up to Maine.
00:34:28.120 It's a lot of people growing their own weed, arguing with the cops.
00:34:32.340 And the cops are also at home growing their own weed.
00:34:35.340 Okay, I spent some time off of Islesboro Island out there, John Travolta country.
00:34:39.440 Went and we had dinner with Kirstie Alley one time when I was a child.
00:34:42.200 A friend of mine knew her, and I tried to finger bang a chick in an attic out there, who I was in love with, who I first, and also hit a bat with a, hit a, like a vampire, not a vampire bat, but like a regular American bat with a tennis racket.
00:34:59.760 So I've been through some shit out there.
00:35:03.180 You know, Maine is just a bunch of unfinished houses, a lot of rainwater.
00:35:07.440 I mean, it's good people.
00:35:08.240 You got the Black Bears.
00:35:10.000 That's y'all's state mascot for the state, for the college, University of Maine, I think.
00:35:15.720 But I'm going to say this.
00:35:17.100 I don't think you guys get out of that bracket, out of that northeastern bracket.
00:35:20.420 No way.
00:35:20.900 You guys would probably, y'all would escape to Canada, out of the gate.
00:35:26.940 I'm going to say that for Maine.
00:35:28.760 You know, New Hampshire's right there with you guys.
00:35:31.120 I think New, you know, I mean, New Hampshire, I think most of y'all's force would probably be, I'm guessing, wholehearted lesbians.
00:35:39.800 You know, you want to talk about wholehearted.
00:35:41.280 I'm talking about that vitamin D, 100% milk fat lesbians.
00:35:44.740 That would be a lot of that workforce, that war force, out of New Hampshire.
00:35:50.180 And I think that hemp right there, I think that hemp, I mean, here's the thing that Maine does have, though.
00:35:55.840 Maine has a lot of people that are used to living in the woods.
00:35:58.440 So you'd have that kind of militia style.
00:36:01.020 But y'all are a lot of vegans, dude.
00:36:02.660 A lot of people up there eating raspberries and, you know, cultivated scabs, you know, just bad granola.
00:36:11.080 I don't think y'all are going to have the energy to withstand.
00:36:15.480 Y'all know about a lot of roots and stuff like that, so you could live in the woods for a while.
00:36:19.080 So I'd say this, Maine would beat New Hampshire.
00:36:21.280 I think you guys would probably struggle against Vermont.
00:36:25.880 And Vermont and New Hampshire, let's be honest, they're really just the same thing to people.
00:36:30.260 Okay, I know that, you know, New Hampshire, I think, is John Irving country.
00:36:33.840 He wrote a lot of those books, Cider House Rules.
00:36:36.000 You know, you got a lot of wrestlers and a lot of rich kids up there going to private schools and stuff like that.
00:36:41.760 But the truth is, that's a great white north.
00:36:45.080 A lot of people hopped up on syrup, sucking on trees, smoking dope.
00:36:50.180 You know, you got the basketball team up there, the Catamounts.
00:36:52.740 I don't think that's going to help.
00:36:53.820 You know, they're super pale, way pale.
00:36:57.600 You know, people look like they're allergic to the sun.
00:36:59.380 I don't think anybody makes it out of that bracket.
00:37:01.420 Now, I think then you get over to Massachusetts.
00:37:03.060 And I think Massachusetts, I think Connecticut, Connecticut would get their ass kicked by Rhode Island.
00:37:09.620 I'm going to go with that if we're starting in this northeast bracket.
00:37:12.580 Connecticut doesn't have a shot.
00:37:13.940 Connecticut's a lot of, you know, rich people, a lot of people from New York and stuff hiding their money out in Connecticut.
00:37:19.780 They got these really fancy homes.
00:37:21.560 They got these rolling hills outside of Hartford.
00:37:24.080 You know, you got the British out there.
00:37:25.700 It's basically British.
00:37:27.180 It's a lot of people trying to pretend that they're not British and they do look British.
00:37:30.060 They got these little rock walls outside of their houses, fancy.
00:37:34.160 It's richy-rich, a lot of covered bridges out there.
00:37:37.520 So I'll say this.
00:37:38.840 Connecticut could stand back in these homes and protect themselves with some long-range weaponry.
00:37:44.680 But let me say this, man.
00:37:45.760 You get some boys out of Hartford, you give them a little bit of gas money, they take over that countryside, I think.
00:37:52.620 I think.
00:37:54.380 And then they're going to, but Providence, I think, will whoop everybody's ass.
00:37:57.480 Providence is wild.
00:37:58.860 Well, Providence is wild.
00:38:02.700 I mean, I saw a dude one time in Providence, he was shaven, right, and he was thirsty.
00:38:06.300 He cut his tongue with his razor and just took a sip of blood for his own thirst.
00:38:11.300 And that's Providence.
00:38:12.800 I saw a dude one time eat a paper bag, man, with mustard on the outside of it.
00:38:17.300 Spicy mustard.
00:38:19.180 And that's lunch.
00:38:20.100 That ain't lunch to me, but that was lunch to him.
00:38:22.320 And that's Providence out there.
00:38:24.220 You know, people eating paper works.
00:38:25.760 So I think you'd probably have Rhode Island sneak in, but there's just, you know, they might take Connecticut, but Massachusetts is going to take all of that.
00:38:35.420 Massachusetts has them wild alcoholic boys out there in Amherst.
00:38:38.760 A lot of alcoholism.
00:38:40.020 You got Boston, these Patriot fans.
00:38:42.040 And then what's going to happen, you're going to have New York.
00:38:47.560 And New York City, man, it's not the same as it used to be.
00:38:50.700 Let's be honest.
00:38:52.040 You want to talk about a place that's low-key, secretly, as gentrified as possible?
00:38:56.120 We're talking about Manhattan.
00:38:57.300 It's a lot of mookity mooks over there.
00:39:00.600 A lot of high rent.
00:39:02.480 You know, Alphabet City down there on the Lower East Side is the only place you can even get a fucking good gram of dope or anything or heroin or even, you know, you can catch some good hookers or something here and there if you want it.
00:39:12.260 But outside of that, New York City's, man, overall, it's not what it used to be.
00:39:17.660 Now, you get out into the burbs, you got some stuff happening.
00:39:21.160 You know, Williamsburg, Brooklyn, those people probably aren't even going to fight.
00:39:24.080 This ain't like the newsies back in the day when Christian Bale and the boys would argue over, you know, the price of newspapers and what was being printed.
00:39:34.820 These dudes nowadays, a lot of soft cats out there.
00:39:38.120 So you can have a lot of dudes saying, you know, Williamsburg, like, like you're reading Williamsburg and graffiti in the bathroom, you'll read like, you know, Derek sucks dick, but only if he's okay with it.
00:39:52.520 You know, you read shit like that.
00:39:54.020 You're like, who cares?
00:39:55.900 It's just supposed to say Derek sucks dick.
00:39:58.380 You know, it's not real.
00:39:59.240 Nobody even knows who Derek is.
00:40:00.700 It's not a real thing.
00:40:01.640 It's graffiti.
00:40:03.480 But they're too, they'll be too, they'll be, you know, they'll be trying to make too much peace.
00:40:08.980 They'll be trying to make too much peace in a war.
00:40:11.300 They won't realize it's called a war.
00:40:13.200 And they'll be trying to do all this peace stuff and wear all these fancy sneakers.
00:40:16.160 And I think New York is taken out.
00:40:18.980 I think New York is taken out.
00:40:20.360 New York City, I think they get taken out, though, by the real hitters.
00:40:24.100 Rochester, Buffalo, Albany.
00:40:27.260 They had a guy on a Greyhound bus out there outside of Albany cut another man's head off at a rest area.
00:40:34.960 Do you know the savageness have to be in someone to take another man's head off?
00:40:40.800 With probably a not even decent blade.
00:40:44.620 I can barely go pee at a rest area.
00:40:47.300 And this man is doing upper body work?
00:40:51.400 Okay.
00:40:53.240 Okay.
00:40:53.940 So I think New York is going to be going in strong, but it's going to be a lot of them real boys.
00:40:58.500 Out of Buffalo, Rochester.
00:41:00.820 You know, out of Binghamton.
00:41:03.220 You know, it's going to be a lot of real boys coming up there out of Syracuse.
00:41:05.980 Not the people that go to the college, but the people that live in the town.
00:41:08.700 You know what I'm talking about.
00:41:09.540 People with neck tattoos.
00:41:11.220 A lot of blue breaths.
00:41:12.980 A lot of real cats out there.
00:41:15.420 A lot of people that got, you know, a lot of people that have tattoos of other family members on their body.
00:41:21.780 Gang, gang.
00:41:23.940 So that's at Northeast.
00:41:25.160 I think you got New York, but I think a lot of it.
00:41:27.260 And then you got New York and Massachusetts.
00:41:30.600 And I think New York gets that.
00:41:32.020 New York gets that because they just have so many more little pockets of hidden people.
00:41:35.840 In Boston, they tough.
00:41:37.040 But also, Boston's got a lot of, you know, hidden waspy, whatever, you know, fancy pants.
00:41:44.360 You know, it's a lot of, you know, the gateway city of college, the river of colleges, all of this.
00:41:51.220 It's a lot of mookity mooks.
00:41:53.940 You know, it's a lot of people who don't wash their own silverware.
00:41:57.140 So I think that's what you're going to get right there.
00:42:00.120 And you get New York that takes that region.
00:42:01.840 So out of there, you got New York, predominantly upstate New York taking that region.
00:42:05.920 That's where I'm starting at.
00:42:08.500 And that's what I'm going to pull out of that main conversation.
00:42:11.040 Chris, I appreciate your call.
00:42:12.960 Let's take another call right here.
00:42:14.420 Here we go.
00:42:14.880 Hey, Theo.
00:42:16.320 This is Ryan.
00:42:17.760 And even though I'm from the state of Pennsylvania, I'm going to have to say Kauai would probably win the war of the states
00:42:25.200 just due to the fact that they're so isolated from the rest of the country out.
00:42:30.780 And they have the natural defense system of the ocean around them.
00:42:34.580 And I doubt the other states would have, like, a developed Navy or Air Force.
00:42:39.320 So they'd probably just be the last men standing, basically, because no one wants to go and fuck with them.
00:42:44.360 And they could probably even negotiate with Kimboy over in Korea and borrow some nukes maybe to use.
00:42:51.760 So I'm going to have to go with Hawaii.
00:42:55.160 Wow.
00:42:56.060 I didn't even think.
00:42:56.680 Here's the crazy part.
00:42:57.640 And I hate to say this.
00:42:58.540 I'm not trying to be rude.
00:42:59.180 I didn't even think about Hawaii.
00:43:00.460 And the truth is, probably nobody did.
00:43:05.180 It's that secret state.
00:43:07.520 You know, it's that state where you get done counting them all and you're like, damn, what did I forget?
00:43:11.220 And it's Hawaii.
00:43:13.280 And if you're watching on YouTube right now, it's probably getting a little dim in here.
00:43:16.340 That's because the sun went down and the lampage that I'm using in here isn't super solid.
00:43:21.080 But if you're on audio, you're still good.
00:43:24.060 Ryan, that's a great point.
00:43:25.160 I appreciate that call.
00:43:26.440 Yeah, Hawaii, you don't think about that.
00:43:27.940 You guys have all the water.
00:43:28.940 You guys are going to have military vessels that are going to be sitting out there.
00:43:32.840 Now, New York, I don't even give you guys credit.
00:43:34.680 You'll have a little bit of that harbor.
00:43:36.420 But to be able to access that harbor over there in New York, I mean, you're dealing with a lot of other countries.
00:43:41.800 A lot of other, you know, you're dealing with, you know, it's going to be tight over there on the east coast getting out of that harbor.
00:43:48.380 So I think that harbor ends up being kind of nullified over there on the upper east coast.
00:43:52.380 But Hawaii, it's a four-hour flight from California.
00:43:56.480 So yeah, Hawaii would probably become this, this, you guys would just be this safe place, I think, where people, the fight wouldn't come to there.
00:44:08.240 And it would have to be if you guys wanted to go and get into the fight, and I don't think you would.
00:44:13.940 And I think you guys would just be able to find some peace over there on your island or divide into, you know, go off into the separate islands.
00:44:21.180 Kauai and, you know, certain people with certain beliefs and everything end up in those islands and defending their own territories.
00:44:27.880 But that's a great point, man.
00:44:28.840 Hawaii's going to tie no matter who it is.
00:44:30.660 All right, let's get into another call here that came in.
00:44:34.520 Here we go.
00:44:40.560 What's up, Theo?
00:44:41.680 It's your boy, Brian, from Bonita Springs, Florida again.
00:44:45.320 Hey, Brian, thanks for calling in from Bonita Springs.
00:44:47.680 And I've been down there one time.
00:44:49.260 I don't remember what I was doing.
00:44:50.440 But I also remember trying to make love to a woman that worked at a – what was that place called?
00:44:57.680 It was a bakery.
00:45:01.320 Baker's Rack?
00:45:02.320 I'm not sure.
00:45:03.080 Onward?
00:45:03.980 Man, I'm calling about if all the states started fighting each other in a war.
00:45:09.380 Man, I want to say Florida would win, but we're out here sleeping.
00:45:14.140 A lot of people, they're on them pills out here.
00:45:17.180 So I really don't think Florida would even be – even in the top 20.
00:45:22.840 Oh, yeah, that's dilaudid country.
00:45:24.860 You get out there in the mid-Florida, man, you don't even know.
00:45:28.260 The candy machine – the candy machine got opioids in it.
00:45:32.780 You know, you give a kid a nickel and he comes back – you know, he comes back with a couple – a little handful of cinnamon opioids.
00:45:40.420 So, yeah, I think you do deal with some of that over there.
00:45:43.980 Onward, let's hear more of your call.
00:45:45.300 I think Texas would have to win.
00:45:50.080 And you know that's true.
00:45:51.620 They got all them guns out there.
00:45:54.180 Most of the people there are probably drunk on at least 16 beers.
00:45:59.240 So they'd be running around, probably most of them wearing a cowboy hat.
00:46:03.120 Oh, that's speculation, man.
00:46:04.640 And that's hat wear speculation and alcohol speculation.
00:46:07.700 Let's hear more.
00:46:08.240 Got some spurs on the back of a pair of New Balances with a damn revolver on their hips.
00:46:17.800 So I think they're probably already ready for a war.
00:46:21.860 Now, I'll agree with you there that I think I wouldn't be surprised if Texas might already be ready.
00:46:26.860 Let's look at that southeast region.
00:46:28.220 Let's take that into account really quick.
00:46:29.780 Okay, so Florida, you think you guys might be too peeled up.
00:46:34.520 But you have all those bays and outlets to water.
00:46:37.800 You have all that water access.
00:46:40.520 I think there would be a lot of interstate war in Florida before.
00:46:44.420 That's the problem.
00:46:45.160 Some of these states aren't on the same page enough.
00:46:47.620 People from Miami, they're all going to leave and go back to whatever original country that they came from, pretty much.
00:46:55.700 Tampa, I mean, that's pirate country.
00:46:58.540 So a lot of them are going to get their boats out and be ready to rock.
00:47:02.060 So you can have that Navy right there out of Tampa.
00:47:05.320 Orlando, those people are all going to fly back to their original states.
00:47:09.100 Because they're all down there from Instagram.
00:47:10.600 They're all just Instagram and Disney.
00:47:13.000 And then you'll have Jacksonville.
00:47:15.300 Jacksonville's a bunch of hardheads.
00:47:16.640 And I think a lot of Jacksonville, they might roll up to Atlanta and join up with Atlanta.
00:47:23.340 So I think you'd have North Florida versus South Florida.
00:47:26.960 And who's going to win that one?
00:47:28.980 I mean, you have a lot of guns.
00:47:31.560 Actually, from Pensacola to Jacksonville, I think you have a lot of guns.
00:47:35.040 And I think a lot of those people might join forces.
00:47:38.740 Now, Miami, if you've seen the first 48, they've got a lot of guns in Miami.
00:47:42.660 So I think Florida would implode.
00:47:46.740 You would have too many people fighting amongst themselves.
00:47:51.140 I think a lot of these northern cities, Pensacola, Panama City Beach, Tallahassee, Jacksonville.
00:47:57.360 They would probably move off to join other cities.
00:48:02.520 They'd move off to join Atlanta.
00:48:04.040 They'd move off to join Mobile.
00:48:07.060 And also some over to New Orleans.
00:48:08.920 I think you'd have Tampa would also, a fleet would leave.
00:48:12.120 Planning to go attack.
00:48:14.180 But they would probably start drinking.
00:48:16.420 A lot of Buccaneers fans.
00:48:17.700 They've got that cannon.
00:48:18.960 And next thing you know, they would end up in New Orleans and join up with Louisiana.
00:48:22.520 So Louisiana is going to have a little bit of an increased force.
00:48:26.420 All right.
00:48:26.720 Now, you've got Atlanta.
00:48:28.900 And this is, I mean, a lot of this is where a lot of Civil War battles were fought.
00:48:32.600 So you're going to have a lot of nostalgia.
00:48:35.160 You're going to have a lot of people selling, like, you know, Civil War II artifacts and, like, autographed posters.
00:48:41.840 You know, tonight, speaking at the bar, we've got the great-great-grandson of Robert E. Lee.
00:48:47.720 Or, you know, we're playing Glory tonight.
00:48:49.840 And everybody come watch.
00:48:50.880 It's a fundraiser.
00:48:52.260 You're going to have a lot of that.
00:48:54.820 Now, Nashville, you've got, Nashville's pretty split.
00:48:57.420 It's like liberal and conservative.
00:48:58.660 So I think in places like that, you're going to have a lot of, you know, dissension within the ranks.
00:49:03.400 People that want to fight.
00:49:04.360 People that don't.
00:49:05.520 And it's going to be tough to really put together good militia in some of those places.
00:49:09.780 Alabama, you know those people are going to go have guns.
00:49:14.300 You know, I have a brother-in-law from Alabama.
00:49:17.660 And he had on underwear one night.
00:49:19.200 And he said, how many guns do you think I have on me?
00:49:21.280 And he was wearing just underwear.
00:49:23.000 And this man was bodily unattractive.
00:49:26.580 He had kind of, like, cute ears a little bit.
00:49:28.540 But bodily unattractive.
00:49:30.900 And he had two guns on his person at the time.
00:49:34.640 So, you know, that's what's going on there.
00:49:37.960 That's gun country.
00:49:39.240 Mississippi?
00:49:40.460 Mississippi ain't going to do shit, man.
00:49:42.660 You know, no disrespect, but they can't even win an SEC title, really.
00:49:46.340 So they're not going to make it pop.
00:49:48.540 Atlanta could turn up.
00:49:51.000 But Atlanta, if racial tension starts, I don't know if that's going to happen.
00:49:54.380 If racial tension starts in Georgia between black and white, then it might get weird.
00:49:58.580 If people are able to band together, then Georgia could be a real force.
00:50:01.920 South Carolina, North Carolina, they would fight each other.
00:50:06.840 And I think that they would cancel each other out.
00:50:08.880 Because for some reason, they have so much just angst against each other, they wouldn't be able to make it out of there.
00:50:15.100 Nashville, I think that they would implode.
00:50:16.780 They got the mountains, though.
00:50:17.820 So when you got those mountains, that gives you a really high, that high ground is crucial.
00:50:22.680 And that's what's going to help Arkansas.
00:50:25.520 You know, but Arkansas, I think, you know, they're still trying to get a lot of, you know, I don't think, they're still trying to figure out who's family and who isn't family.
00:50:34.460 And there's still too many domestic disputes over there.
00:50:37.420 I think that they would end up fighting each other more.
00:50:40.500 So coming out of that south, I think you're going to have New Orleans down there.
00:50:44.860 But they're so just, they're having so much fun down in New Orleans.
00:50:50.340 You know, a lot of the gunplay down there, a lot of the crime there is black on black.
00:50:54.200 So you'd have, you know, you'd have to really, you know, band together and get a good, you know, black and white militia to band together, I think, for Louisiana to have a good shot.
00:51:05.700 But I think Georgia is going to be your power player, Georgia or Alabama, coming out of that southeast region.
00:51:12.800 And maybe Tennessee, but, you know, I just don't know.
00:51:17.180 Now, Texas, then we get over to Texas, and I'll tell you straight up, Texas is used to defending a border out of the gate.
00:51:22.820 So they're going to have that ability out of the gate.
00:51:26.740 You know, Texas is used to defending a border.
00:51:29.480 So they already have all that experience.
00:51:31.640 Bang, bang.
00:51:32.980 So that's going to be huge.
00:51:35.320 Texas is a lot of hardworking, show-up men.
00:51:38.680 And I don't care what ethnicity or anything, that shit doesn't matter as much in Texas.
00:51:43.100 In Texas, it's about do your shit or get the fuck out of here.
00:51:47.100 And so I think they're going to bring that style of play to this war.
00:51:52.820 And so I think out of the gate, that's going to whoop Louisiana's ass.
00:51:56.440 They'll whoop Arkansas.
00:51:58.900 There's actually a town called Texarkana, which is Texas, Arkansas, Louisiana.
00:52:03.540 It's the corner of all three.
00:52:04.940 And that town would just be called Texas town because they're going to whoop ass.
00:52:09.840 New Mexico, a lot of those people might head back to regular Mexico out of fear.
00:52:15.160 So I think you've got Texas that's going to whoop ass around there.
00:52:19.420 Oklahoma's a lot of bad boys.
00:52:21.060 And it's a lot of Native American people.
00:52:23.340 So you're going to be dodging bullets and ducking arrows.
00:52:27.380 That's going to be hard to do.
00:52:28.860 But I think Texas does that.
00:52:31.100 I think Texas really, really does that.
00:52:33.700 Now over to this west coast, then you've got Arizona.
00:52:36.880 Las Vegas, dude.
00:52:37.780 Las Vegas, they're going to take all that money and run off.
00:52:40.760 They're going to be gone.
00:52:41.580 Nobody's defending that place.
00:52:42.700 Nobody's even from there.
00:52:43.820 Everybody's out of Nevada.
00:52:45.380 Everybody's out of Nevada.
00:52:47.340 Utah, I mean, they're going to be praying for everything to work out for everyone.
00:52:51.260 And I think we will all need that.
00:52:53.020 So I'm hopeful that they'll do that.
00:52:56.600 Arizona, you know, a fifth of that state is probably illegal or maybe a 12th or something.
00:53:03.660 And I'm not saying that to offend anybody.
00:53:05.640 I used to live in Tucson, Arizona.
00:53:07.300 I had a lot of friends there that were not legal citizens.
00:53:09.500 So, you know, whatever.
00:53:13.260 But I think a lot of that group is going to leave.
00:53:15.680 I don't think they're going to be able to hold it down.
00:53:17.800 So then I think you have Texas and California.
00:53:19.520 They're going to have to, you know, really go toe-to-toe at some point.
00:53:23.160 Washington and Oregon will probably refuse to fight.
00:53:26.580 You know, they'll probably try to, you know, have a cook-off or do something more peaceful.
00:53:30.120 Even though you have a lot of cowboys, you've got a lot of bad boys out there.
00:53:35.080 You know, in eastern Washington and eastern Oregon, a lot of real-deal cats.
00:53:38.900 But I think that they're going to merge up in some other group.
00:53:42.640 And they might band together out there in the hills of Idaho.
00:53:45.820 So now you've got men out there in the hills of Idaho, men and women.
00:53:49.420 You've got families just holding up out there.
00:53:51.320 And I think that that will actually just become a group that won't fight as much as they will just start to take care of themselves.
00:53:57.740 But then Texas is going to want a piece of California.
00:54:01.100 You know, just because everybody wants a piece of it, but they're the closest ones.
00:54:06.080 Now, California, man, they've got a lot of hardheads coming out of San Francisco, out of Oakland, Hayward, Sacramento, the home of missing people.
00:54:15.940 San Jose, one of the most peaceful communities.
00:54:18.380 You've got, you know, Los Angeles.
00:54:21.560 Everybody's going to leave Los Angeles and go back to either their home countries or their home cities.
00:54:25.260 Nobody's defending that place.
00:54:27.140 San Diego, a lot of the military is there, right?
00:54:30.060 But that military is from other states.
00:54:33.500 And a lot of that military is, they're gun owners, you know?
00:54:36.860 So a lot of those military, they're going to head back to their original states.
00:54:39.240 So you've got to factor them in elsewhere.
00:54:40.800 That's why I think California folds.
00:54:42.500 I don't think they have the chance.
00:54:43.660 They have a ton of land.
00:54:45.060 It would be some huge battles.
00:54:46.200 But I think at some point, you have Texas taking that whole southwestern border on the north side of Mexico.
00:54:55.160 And I think that, let me look at the Midwest really quick.
00:54:59.820 Wisconsin, cheese is a major ingredient.
00:55:01.760 You can't fight on fucking queso.
00:55:04.000 You're going to be all bowled up.
00:55:05.420 You guys are going to be shitting in the woods.
00:55:07.980 You know, that could be very alarming.
00:55:10.880 You know, also slow.
00:55:12.240 A lot of them Wisconsin boys, they big, but they slow.
00:55:14.400 But they can fight in the winter because they're used to being in the cold.
00:55:20.920 Indiana, where the Ku Klux Klan started.
00:55:23.860 A lot of violence out there in Indiana.
00:55:26.100 I wouldn't be surprised to see them show up.
00:55:28.860 Ohio, they're in the national championship almost every other year.
00:55:31.380 So you're going to think they're going to put something together.
00:55:34.060 I think Ohio beats Michigan.
00:55:36.080 I know everybody from Michigan is going to say,
00:55:37.520 Fuck, no way they beat us.
00:55:38.980 But they beat two of your football teams every year.
00:55:41.100 Michigan and Michigan State.
00:55:42.360 So let's don't pretend like it might not be possible.
00:55:45.460 Ohio beats Michigan.
00:55:47.740 Indiana.
00:55:48.220 The problem with Indiana is a lot of their youth over there and like some of these colleges and stuff.
00:55:53.320 There are a lot of transplants.
00:55:55.340 Indiana University is a lot of transplants.
00:55:57.000 Ohio is going to take Indiana.
00:56:02.580 You go to Ohio taking Indiana.
00:56:04.120 Missouri.
00:56:05.580 A lot of swingers out there.
00:56:06.880 A lot of people eating at the buffet.
00:56:08.540 You know.
00:56:09.460 You know, Wiener and Virginia.
00:56:12.980 So I think Ohio takes that.
00:56:16.900 You know, you got the Dakotas.
00:56:18.140 Minnesota could come down.
00:56:21.040 Kansas, Colorado.
00:56:22.700 Colorado.
00:56:23.060 Now, a lot of these men, they're living on land and prepared to defend themselves.
00:56:28.460 But what does that look like if it really gets wild?
00:56:31.800 I think a lot of those men, they would band together.
00:56:35.600 I think there will be a faction over there in Colorado.
00:56:38.620 So you'll have a group in Colorado.
00:56:40.220 You'll have a group in Idaho up in those mountains.
00:56:42.300 That's kind of that northeastern group.
00:56:45.280 You'll have Texas, which is taking over the southeastern border.
00:56:48.280 You'll have Georgia.
00:56:50.400 You'll have New York, which is a lot of upstaters.
00:56:52.840 A lot of them business cats in the city, they're out.
00:56:56.640 They ain't got the balls to fight, man.
00:56:57.960 They just got the balls to do banking.
00:56:59.880 And then you got that Midwest region.
00:57:02.300 I think Ohio will come over.
00:57:04.440 But that Midwest, they're so, they don't like each other so much that I don't know if they're going to be able to band together.
00:57:11.200 So a lot of them might fizzle out.
00:57:15.180 You know, Wisconsin, you got a lot of cats.
00:57:17.520 It's just, and they're so nice.
00:57:20.980 Minnesota nice.
00:57:21.900 You can't win a war on nice.
00:57:23.680 So I think they're going to fold.
00:57:25.600 You know, Minnesota would like try and beat another place and then send like a get well card.
00:57:30.340 Which is sweet.
00:57:31.540 But not in war.
00:57:33.100 We're talking about war.
00:57:34.960 The Dakotas, North Dakota, South Dakota, they get together.
00:57:37.720 But who gives a fuck?
00:57:39.000 That's still only about 70 people.
00:57:41.680 And Mount Rushmore.
00:57:43.660 But that's just, those four people are made out of stone.
00:57:46.260 Doesn't count.
00:57:47.740 So you got Kansas, Oklahoma.
00:57:49.140 Oklahoma's some bad cats.
00:57:51.240 Now Oklahoma, I think you'll see Oklahoma band up with a faction there from the Northeast.
00:57:56.540 So then that's what I think you got, man.
00:57:58.460 I think you got Georgia.
00:58:00.340 I think you got Texas.
00:58:02.400 I think you got new, you know, that upstate New York.
00:58:04.940 They're going to roll through Philadelphia.
00:58:07.420 Jersey.
00:58:08.960 Nah, man.
00:58:09.620 This ain't everybody doing test 200 and deck.
00:58:12.440 That shit ain't going to fly.
00:58:13.560 It's not going to cut it.
00:58:14.300 You guys are done.
00:58:15.520 Delaware.
00:58:16.680 They'll probably boat back to England.
00:58:18.440 They're done.
00:58:19.880 Maryland's thuggish.
00:58:20.900 But Baltimore is drugged out.
00:58:23.840 It's the walking dead, yo.
00:58:27.120 So Baltimore, I think, will be under.
00:58:28.640 Even though they got that military.
00:58:29.620 But you have that Naval Military Academy.
00:58:32.300 So if them boys choose to stand up and fight for that academy, you could have a real faction right there.
00:58:37.380 So that's where I'm at.
00:58:39.340 You know, that's where I'm at.
00:58:40.500 And I'll finish that up on Thursday.
00:58:41.800 I think I'll talk about it a little bit more about what is the, you know, how does this play out?
00:58:46.080 How does it finish out?
00:58:47.780 You know, if you guys have some thoughts and you want to chime in, hit that hotline.
00:58:50.520 985-664-9503.
00:58:54.680 But I feel like that's kind of where it's at.
00:58:56.840 And to me, I've always kind of felt like Texas would take it.
00:59:00.760 But now that I'm looking at some of the geography, I think you'll just end up with some separate groups here and there.
00:59:08.060 And that would kind of become some of the new, you know, America.
00:59:12.820 And I didn't even think about Chicago.
00:59:15.360 You know, I think Chicago's just going to be kind of this hub where a lot of, you know, whoever wins that Midwest is going to take over Chicago.
00:59:23.340 So whatever state that is.
00:59:24.900 I mean, Illinois, I love.
00:59:27.020 They could do something.
00:59:29.500 I don't know.
00:59:30.340 What do you think?
00:59:31.040 You think I'm crazy?
00:59:32.500 Hawaii's sitting out there on the outside?
00:59:34.060 Man, you're making me want to move to Hawaii.
00:59:35.820 That's for sure.
00:59:36.960 That seems like the place to be.
00:59:39.000 That seems like the place to be, man.
00:59:40.820 All right, let's take one more call here.
00:59:43.400 Here we go.
00:59:43.920 About this.
00:59:44.700 About this issue.
00:59:48.020 Hey, Theo.
00:59:49.220 Tim here from Australia.
00:59:50.620 Just thinking about who was going to win the war between all the states.
00:59:54.480 And Tim is from Australia.
00:59:55.940 And it figures that Tim would be thinking about it because Australia, predominantly criminals.
00:59:59.540 People doing crime.
01:00:01.300 Or people whose grandparents did crime.
01:00:03.860 Because you had to do crime to end up in Australia.
01:00:05.800 Let's hear more.
01:00:07.320 Now, you've got to consider, like, numbers are obviously, you know,
01:00:10.540 the primary sort of driver here.
01:00:13.420 And gun ownership and so on.
01:00:15.640 So, Vermont, first to fall.
01:00:18.500 The fighting men and women of Ben and Jerry's third division.
01:00:21.620 They'll hold out for maybe a good five minutes.
01:00:24.180 They're out early.
01:00:25.500 Right.
01:00:25.920 So, Vermont's out early.
01:00:26.920 They're going to be hopped up on Derry.
01:00:28.260 Onward?
01:00:29.060 Montana.
01:00:30.020 Great fighters.
01:00:31.120 Yes.
01:00:32.600 There's only one million people up there, I think.
01:00:34.540 Something like that.
01:00:36.380 They'll ride this one out in the hills.
01:00:38.140 You know, they'll come back afterwards.
01:00:39.140 But they're not going to be on the podium.
01:00:42.860 Louisiana.
01:00:44.400 Now, low population.
01:00:46.080 High gun ownership.
01:00:47.600 Good fighting disposition.
01:00:49.340 And, importantly, ocean access.
01:00:51.580 Because this isn't just a land war.
01:00:53.120 I mean, you know, if you've got ocean access, you've got to use it.
01:00:55.480 You're going to have your boats out there.
01:00:59.240 Your home state might do better than you think.
01:01:01.240 Now we get to the big number states, and you're thinking, you know, New York, California, squishy sort of, you know, Hillary voting people.
01:01:11.600 But, you know, New York state is around 20 million, I think.
01:01:14.460 California, 40 million.
01:01:15.340 So, even if you have a percentage of those people armed and willing to have a go, they might do better than you think.
01:01:23.960 That's a good point.
01:01:26.160 That's a good point just based on sheer numbers.
01:01:29.560 You know, so say if you have just 25% of 20 million and they're willing to fight, that's 4 or 5 million, I'm not sure, with guns.
01:01:38.720 And, if you put them up against Montana and you arm everyone, that's 5 million against 1 million.
01:01:45.680 So, those numbers are going to play a big, that's going to play a big issue.
01:01:50.060 That's going to be a big deal.
01:01:52.060 That's a really, really good point.
01:01:53.800 That might have to make me reconsider some things.
01:01:55.660 Onward.
01:01:56.260 Do better than you think.
01:01:57.620 Also, ocean access.
01:01:59.680 This is potentially a crucial aspect in the great United States War of 2018, 19, 20, however long it lasts.
01:02:06.260 And, then you get to the big dog here, Texas.
01:02:10.180 And, that's true because that ocean access, you can, if you can get a group to sit out in the ocean, they can just shoot in at another group.
01:02:18.240 They can bomb in.
01:02:19.460 Or, they can just wait and let the fighting subside.
01:02:22.820 Which is what, which is what Ryan's talking about from Hawaii.
01:02:27.860 He's just sitting out there.
01:02:29.360 Out there eating pineapples and, you know, touching each other's assholes, you know.
01:02:33.800 Let's hear more.
01:02:34.440 Indian people, all the oil, all the resources, they can, they can keep this battle up for a long, long time.
01:02:41.160 And, a civilian population, and knowledgeable about weapons.
01:02:47.000 Texas for mine, my friend.
01:02:48.040 And, there you go.
01:02:49.800 And, that's an Australian voting for Texas right there.
01:02:52.420 And, Australia had one fight, I think, a long time ago.
01:02:55.000 And, it was called Gallipoli.
01:02:56.000 And, there's a movie about it where Mel Gibson got in a fight with one of his cousins, I think.
01:03:00.500 It wasn't a home video, I don't think.
01:03:01.920 I think it was an actual film that you can see.
01:03:04.500 And, it was pretty good.
01:03:05.900 But, that's it.
01:03:06.580 If you got some thoughts on who would take, maybe take that next episode.
01:03:09.480 You know, who would take that.
01:03:11.580 You know, is there something I'm not thinking about about one of these states?
01:03:15.380 Because, I mean, look.
01:03:16.820 You never know what can happen.
01:03:19.200 I mean, crazy things have happened.
01:03:23.980 You know, could it happen?
01:03:26.160 You know, and that's another thing.
01:03:27.600 Do you think there could be a state war looming?
01:03:30.540 Am I crazy?
01:03:31.460 Are you crazy?
01:03:33.480 Hit that hotline, man.
01:03:34.740 985-664-9503.
01:03:38.400 And, we're going to get into a couple more calls about other topics right now.
01:03:42.900 Some people called in.
01:03:45.500 And, I'm going to tell you guys, too, that I will be at Fantasy Springs Casino in Indio, California this weekend.
01:03:51.260 The 23rd and 24th of February.
01:03:54.720 I'll be in Tacoma, March 15th and 16th.
01:03:57.460 And, Spokane, the 17th of March.
01:04:02.880 I'll be in Oxnard, the 23rd and 24th and 25th of March.
01:04:07.600 And then, April, I'll be at Bananas Comedy in Hasbrook Heights.
01:04:13.260 April 20th and 21st in Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey.
01:04:17.960 And, those are some of the dates that we have on the books right now.
01:04:22.080 Some other things we'll be getting in.
01:04:23.880 And, oh, Tampa.
01:04:24.840 I'll be in Tampa, April 6th and 7th.
01:04:28.120 And, you can grab those tickets now.
01:04:29.620 All those tickets are available through Theovan.com slash tour.
01:04:34.460 T-O-U-R.
01:04:37.420 But, yeah, there's probably a lot of tactical things that I don't understand.
01:04:41.120 You know, about war and fighting and that sort of thing.
01:04:44.160 And, I'd love to know if some people have things that I'm not even considering that would really affect the way that that would all lay down.
01:04:50.660 Let's take a couple more callers here, man.
01:04:52.500 I appreciate you guys calling and hitting the hotline.
01:04:56.900 And, we will do a follow-up episode this Thursday where we kind of chime in, where we put some of you guys' calls into, you know, just in the response to the states, the war of the states.
01:05:10.640 And, in response to some of this other activity in Nisanet.
01:05:13.900 All right.
01:05:14.520 Praise God.
01:05:15.280 Here we go.
01:05:15.900 Hey, D.O.
01:05:20.460 Just wanted to call and had a question for you because I'm struggling right now.
01:05:28.500 My whole department got laid off last Friday.
01:05:31.600 And, I've been in the dark arts for a while.
01:05:33.700 And, for the last couple of years, since I got back from overseas, things have been good but started off difficult and now it's been going great.
01:05:43.980 And, now that I got laid off and I feel that pull.
01:05:50.260 And, I'm just wondering what you do in addition to talk to other people, you know, who are like-minded.
01:05:59.860 Thanks for calling, man.
01:06:02.540 Yeah, when you get in that tough situation, the dark arts seem to be, sometimes it's that first line of defense.
01:06:08.420 You know, it's that first, it's like the first thing you think to do when things are going tough is to do something that's, you know, not cavalier for yourself.
01:06:17.020 And, not real positive.
01:06:18.580 And, sometimes it's hard.
01:06:23.000 It's hard when, I know, like, for example, if I feel like, you know, I'm doing a good streak of, you know, masturbation, no doing no masty.
01:06:33.320 You know, no doing no masty.
01:06:35.120 And, then next thing you know, you know, I find myself by myself and something happens.
01:06:41.940 I have a bad show or I don't get a job or I don't get on the Tonight Show or just something that makes me feel not good.
01:06:49.360 Then, I resort to, I'm just thinking, oh, fuck it, man.
01:06:53.040 Life sucks.
01:06:53.880 I'm a jerk off all over myself.
01:06:57.220 And, I'll get into that space.
01:06:58.800 But, you know, when I find that those things don't happen as much or when I don't choose to go into those dark art avenues is when I'm with other people.
01:07:10.960 If I spend time with people that I care about, then I notice that my brain doesn't go there.
01:07:17.220 Instead, my brain will bring up the problem to somebody.
01:07:20.740 You know, bring up the problem to a loved one or a friend or something.
01:07:24.620 Say, hey, man, this happened.
01:07:25.680 And, they'll be like, oh, you know, everything's going to be okay.
01:07:28.800 And, the next thing you know, I get back to a comfortable square in my brain.
01:07:32.520 Instead of living out there in that wild, dark art Tetris.
01:07:35.920 You know, where the squares are just coming at you and you're just jerking off.
01:07:39.940 So, that's something that I find is spending time with others.
01:07:43.960 You know, spending time with others.
01:07:47.380 And, there's other little things, you know, and everybody does it different.
01:07:50.440 People do meditations.
01:07:51.580 People go for a walk.
01:07:53.380 You know, people do little things.
01:07:54.660 Because, usually that temptation arises and it'll just sit on you for a little bit.
01:08:00.180 You know, the temptation to act out.
01:08:01.900 The temptation to, you know, run around on your spouse.
01:08:05.780 Or, the temptation, you know, to flirt with a girl.
01:08:07.620 The temptation to cause trouble.
01:08:09.980 Raise hell.
01:08:11.480 That pull.
01:08:12.540 That little pull inside of you.
01:08:15.100 Oh, things didn't go well.
01:08:16.280 I'm going to get fucked up.
01:08:18.200 You know, this didn't happen.
01:08:19.340 I'm going to buy a couple grams of cocaine.
01:08:22.460 And, fucking race rats out there outside of the city limits where you legally can.
01:08:27.400 And, I'm going to make them choices.
01:08:28.620 But, that, usually that's just like about, it's just like about 30 seconds or 90 seconds that that real, that pull is there.
01:08:38.660 And, if you can ride out and you don't give in to that initial pull, usually things are fine.
01:08:44.480 Usually you can get through it and get back to your regular brain.
01:08:47.520 And, your regular brain is, you know, it sounds like one that's doing pretty good.
01:08:52.340 You know, like you've had some good things going for yourself since you got back from service.
01:08:55.740 But, I appreciate your service, man.
01:08:57.840 And, I appreciate you calling in, Austin.
01:08:59.720 Let's go another call right here.
01:09:01.720 Here we go.
01:09:03.560 Hey, Theo.
01:09:04.500 I kind of gated your input and opinion on the fact that I've been basically propositioned by wealthy men to enter in some sort of like relationship.
01:09:16.520 Even before I like turned 18, this has been going on.
01:09:19.240 And, I recently moved to LA.
01:09:21.800 Okay, so you got wealthy men throwing them bucks for them fucks.
01:09:26.720 You got wealthy men offering that booty cash.
01:09:30.140 You know, they're trying to swipe that card between your ass cheeks.
01:09:35.260 And, it's popular, especially out here in Los Angeles.
01:09:38.860 I think a lot of men also, there's this whole new side of that.
01:09:42.100 Where a lot of men are just in fear of being with a woman where there isn't a transaction.
01:09:47.900 Because, then there's no clear terms of what's going on.
01:09:52.260 You know, it makes me wonder if prostitution or if, you know, legalization of prostitution might be on the loom.
01:09:58.900 Looming on the horizon.
01:10:00.520 Because, men are afraid to even, you know, do regular sex.
01:10:06.520 Or, touch regular local cooter.
01:10:09.680 I mean, I get nervous.
01:10:10.960 I won't even jerk off in the city limits anymore.
01:10:12.840 I drive outside of town and jerk off.
01:10:15.000 You know, if you see me jerking off out somewhere outside of town with a group of other men.
01:10:18.940 It's not a gay thing.
01:10:20.420 It's just straight men trying to just survive.
01:10:22.800 That's all that is.
01:10:24.560 You know, I don't come locally, usually, if I can help it.
01:10:27.100 Because it's too, the risk-reward is too much in Los Angeles.
01:10:32.240 But, I appreciate you calling, young lady.
01:10:35.260 And, you've been propositioned by these men.
01:10:36.960 And, let's hear more about it.
01:10:38.300 And, the concentration of this sort of thing is at an all-time high.
01:10:42.920 I don't know if it's like a curse or what.
01:10:44.540 But, it's something I've like always been against.
01:10:47.320 Even when it came to pursuing my own aspirations and dreams, etc.
01:10:51.360 It's just not something that I really believe in.
01:10:54.820 Okay, so it's not something you really believe in.
01:10:57.540 You know, slinging that canal out there to get ahead or to make a little bit of cash.
01:11:03.800 Okay, let's hear more.
01:11:05.000 But, right now, my entire family is in financial strain.
01:11:11.220 Going through a lot of hardships.
01:11:12.440 And, we've never been rich or anything like that.
01:11:14.160 But, it's just really hard to have every single member of my family going through this financial hardship.
01:11:19.660 And, then, earlier today, my sister's dad was in a freak accident in Puerto Rico.
01:11:28.940 Damn, Puerto Rico.
01:11:29.940 And, that's accident country.
01:11:31.920 And, if you ever had a friend, if you have a friend that's very accident prone,
01:11:35.340 I think it's safe at this point to nickname him or her Puerto Rico.
01:11:39.660 Because, you know, they got bad moons rising over there.
01:11:42.800 And, they got that juju hitting the air.
01:11:44.580 And, that voodoo, you know, gripping the people.
01:11:47.200 So, onward.
01:11:49.700 I don't know if he's going to make it or not because the island still has no electricity.
01:11:52.940 And, it's just tragic because we don't even know how we're going to, if my sister's going to get to go.
01:11:57.520 You know, it's just like a whole mess.
01:11:59.700 And, I've just been struggling with, if, you know, this whole, you know, moral compass.
01:12:08.200 And, you know, I would never do such a thing.
01:12:10.180 It's not necessarily me being selfless.
01:12:13.040 I could have been struggling with this voice in my head telling me, like, wow, you're not willing to sacrifice for your family.
01:12:18.000 Because, the amount of money that these gentlemen are offering you, it would make a substantial difference in my family's life.
01:12:24.000 Okay, and that's just where the call ends right there.
01:12:28.100 That's it.
01:12:29.420 Thank you for calling, young lady.
01:12:30.820 That's a, that's a conundrum.
01:12:36.760 That's a conundrum.
01:12:37.720 You know, I mean, my first thought is no.
01:12:45.340 My first thought is no, you don't do that.
01:12:48.480 But, that I think is also an old idea.
01:12:53.740 You know, I think it's, you know, I never had that, you know, I got that decent dick.
01:12:59.600 But, I never had anything that people really wanted real heartily.
01:13:02.380 And, they was coming to pay for it.
01:13:03.620 I never had that pay for, you know, that pay for dick.
01:13:08.420 I've just had that, you know, get it when they get it dick.
01:13:12.800 And, and sex is a commodity.
01:13:16.640 It's one of the biggest commodities out there.
01:13:18.640 It's pushed constantly.
01:13:21.080 In fact, as I was jogging today, I saw so many tits and asses and breasts.
01:13:27.360 And, you know, I mean, you could see outlines of vulvas and you could see trimesters.
01:13:33.800 You could see everything.
01:13:35.700 And, it made me think like, damn.
01:13:39.460 Like, when I was growing up, sex was what you were trying to get.
01:13:43.660 And, now, I don't even know if that's the case anymore.
01:13:45.900 I think, now, sex is available.
01:13:51.100 Readily available.
01:13:53.060 And, what you're trying to get is something real.
01:13:56.080 Something tangible.
01:13:57.300 Something that, you know, when you throw, when you throw, when you throw it down into your heart, it echoes.
01:14:05.060 You know, something that makes a, that reverberates.
01:14:08.980 And, and so, you know, with that thought, look, if you got to get out there and do it, honey, you get out there and do it.
01:14:20.340 You know, I'm not going to be mad at you.
01:14:21.940 There's, you know, there's women doing it for far less reasons.
01:14:25.120 That's for sure.
01:14:26.740 And, there's women doing it for real reasons.
01:14:29.480 And, I know it's a tough world.
01:14:31.680 You know, I know it's a tough world.
01:14:33.320 And, I can't, you know, I'd be lying to you if I didn't tell you I'd let one of these fancy producers, maybe,
01:14:38.060 when I first moved to town, put his thumb in my ass for probably, you know, 30 grand or something.
01:14:44.440 Maybe I would.
01:14:45.220 I don't know.
01:14:45.740 I didn't get that opportunity.
01:14:47.840 You know, I never, I don't get very, I haven't gotten very many opportunities in Hollywood.
01:14:53.700 But, you know, I mean, it's sweet that you're thinking about it for your family.
01:14:59.940 You know, and I, you know, I can't imagine what that's like to have family somewhere struggling.
01:15:04.540 Your sister's father, that part seemed a little wild to me.
01:15:07.000 Your sister's father, is that your father?
01:15:09.460 I mean, if a tree fell on him or something, it's not your father?
01:15:12.160 Let me hear that part again.
01:15:13.440 Here we go.
01:15:14.280 Greens, et cetera.
01:15:14.980 It's just not something that I really believe in.
01:15:17.460 But right now, my entire family is in financial strain, going through a lot of hardships.
01:15:25.160 And we've never been rich or anything like that, but it's just really hard to have every
01:15:29.040 single member of my family going through this financial hardship.
01:15:32.740 And then earlier today, my sister's dad was in a freak accident.
01:15:38.660 And in Puerto Rico, they don't know if he's going to make it or not because the island
01:15:43.100 still has no electricity.
01:15:44.820 Your sister's dad?
01:15:46.560 Yeah.
01:15:47.260 I mean, maybe I'm just getting, you know, picky there with some of the facts and whatever.
01:15:52.580 Or, you know, I'd like to see you try to find other ways to get through it.
01:16:00.360 But these days, if it does, you know, what does it mean to you?
01:16:04.440 I mean, does it mean a lot to you?
01:16:05.740 Does sex mean a lot to you?
01:16:08.380 You know, if you don't care, I mean, if it means a lot to you, then I think you find
01:16:11.440 some other way to fight through it and get through it.
01:16:15.260 If it doesn't mean anything to you, maybe that's what, maybe that's the deal.
01:16:20.600 You know, and I don't say you get a broker or something, but I say you get out there and
01:16:25.420 you get some good money.
01:16:27.920 You know, it just seems like the things that are going to come along with that environment
01:16:31.260 are what really scares me for you.
01:16:33.920 You know, I mean, you know, women selling sex has been from the beginning of time.
01:16:38.660 Everybody's selling sex in some form or another.
01:16:41.820 You know, a lot of these makeup ads, a lot.
01:16:43.820 I mean, there's billboards in Los Angeles that say sugar models on every other corner.
01:16:47.580 You know, while the whole time there's this, you know, time's up movement, there's also
01:16:52.600 this whole other movement where it's just sex is just becoming an item for exchange.
01:17:00.120 And maybe that's a safer place for it.
01:17:03.900 You know, I don't know.
01:17:04.900 I mean, I think this is just another big conversation kind of that, you know, are we in a different
01:17:09.400 time now?
01:17:10.120 Am I living by old ideals?
01:17:12.840 What's going on?
01:17:14.620 Am I out of touch that, you know, now it's like about, it's more about the other side
01:17:20.480 of things, finding the connectivity, finding, you know, making, finding something that's
01:17:26.120 real.
01:17:27.240 When I was young, it was about catching that nut locker, you know, about finding that,
01:17:32.020 finding a little lady that would let you, you know, hide your root up in that nut locker.
01:17:37.940 And now it's changed, it seems like.
01:17:40.560 Now it's more, you know, now it seems more like anybody can fuck, you know.
01:17:46.540 You can, you know, get sex here or there, internet, wherever.
01:17:50.960 What else can I get something that actually, that I can feel?
01:17:57.280 So, that's it.
01:17:59.200 You know, and I don't know if that gives you some suggestions or not.
01:18:01.380 Maybe some of our callers will have suggestions for that.
01:18:03.280 And I think that that's a big topic.
01:18:04.800 That's a big thought.
01:18:05.760 That's a big idea.
01:18:06.640 You know, what does she do?
01:18:09.280 What would you recommend?
01:18:11.460 You know, I mean, if this is my daughter, I'm going to say no.
01:18:15.740 You know, if this is, you know, and people would even say, well, that's fucked up.
01:18:20.940 If this is my sister, I'd say, but it's like, who am I to, you know what I'm saying?
01:18:25.560 I don't know what, you know, if with my sister, I would help her out.
01:18:29.600 I would get her out of those financial situations.
01:18:31.720 You know, I would say, no, we're not doing this shit.
01:18:34.880 You know, so I guess when you put it, when I put it like that to myself, that it's more family, then it makes me really question.
01:18:42.460 You know, I don't know.
01:18:43.700 I mean, I just wonder if it's really gotten to that point where there's no other option.
01:18:49.120 You know, is there another way that you can do it where maybe you try some of these other things?
01:18:55.820 They have these different webcam sites where women are, you know, touching their vagities and all of that and showing, you know, flashing vulve and all of that.
01:19:07.420 Showing tits and, you know, breastfeeding babies and everything on there for $30, $40 an hour.
01:19:13.800 Maybe there's something like that available or some other avenues.
01:19:17.820 I just, I don't know.
01:19:22.400 I mean, the thing with the sister in Portland, like, what are you really going to do there?
01:19:26.240 That's my question.
01:19:26.760 Like, what's the, you know, what are you going to make a couple thousand?
01:19:33.520 I mean, I know that can really help some instances, but how long does that last in a huge case scenario with hospital bills, whatever, a weekend, an hour?
01:19:43.960 You know, when does it, I just feel like, you know, you're really getting into the dark arts and that there might be some better avenues.
01:19:52.400 So I'd ask some other people, I'd ask some friends, I'd ask some, you know, I'd ask around.
01:19:57.380 And then I'd try and ask yourself, really, why?
01:20:00.300 Why?
01:20:01.820 You know, I know you've gotten proposition, but I've been propositioned for things.
01:20:06.420 You know, people want to sometimes get me in a ridiculous, you know, television shows, this and that.
01:20:10.860 I'm like, yeah, that shit isn't for me.
01:20:13.280 You know, I have bigger thoughts or bigger, you know, realms for myself, that realm, the worlds that I want to live in.
01:20:18.560 I got bigger circuses that I want to, you know, fight lions in.
01:20:22.800 But then I have friends that do pornography and that's their world and they're great at it.
01:20:28.380 So I don't want to knock what your world is, but I do want to knock on and bring attention to that you healthily consider what's going on.
01:20:37.440 And considering something from a place of desperation usually isn't good.
01:20:41.260 So that's what I would try and look at for yourself.
01:20:45.500 Those are some of my thoughts, man.
01:20:46.760 I'm sure a lot of our listeners have thoughts.
01:20:48.600 If you have them, hit that hotline, 985-664-9503.
01:20:53.780 I got another show tonight, so I got to actually cruise and do that.
01:20:58.700 I'm sorry about that.
01:21:00.820 You know, I was just kind of getting comfortable into this episode.
01:21:04.100 But I'd love to hear some of you guys' thoughts and information on some of these things.
01:21:09.820 You know, my heart goes out to anybody who had family and friends over there in Florida involved in the tragedy.
01:21:17.640 It just, you know, when people make fun of thoughts and prayers, I don't like that.
01:21:23.120 Because what else am I going to do from where I am?
01:21:26.100 You know, I can vote certain ways.
01:21:27.700 I can donate to things.
01:21:29.640 But to think about something and pray about something, I think there's a lot of value in that as well.
01:21:34.100 I mean, if the whole world stopped right now and was praying for something,
01:21:38.260 imagine how nice the world would be.
01:21:42.340 Nobody would be doing anything except hoping good for others.
01:21:47.920 So you might be like, well, that's a really hopeful idea.
01:21:50.980 And it is.
01:21:51.740 I mean, that's not going to happen.
01:21:53.560 But it's not a bad idea.
01:21:55.960 It's not a bad idea.
01:21:58.920 You guys be good to yourselves, man.
01:22:00.500 You probably deserve it.
01:22:01.260 I'm going to take us out on this beautiful hit from Tiny Sandhu.
01:22:04.560 Wasn't that nice of them to send that in?
01:22:07.160 I mean, wasn't that really, really nice?
01:22:08.960 Thank you, Tiny.
01:22:10.140 And happy belated valentines to everybody.
01:22:13.360 Man, if this state war happens, the war of the states, who's going to take it?
01:22:19.040 Hit that hotline, 985-664-9503.
01:22:24.840 There's that flip.
01:22:55.740 Get that caramel out for that baby back.
01:23:14.740 That's beautiful.
01:23:15.860 This past weekend.
01:23:23.760 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll
01:23:28.480 be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to
01:23:33.160 pleasure your partner.
01:23:34.740 The answer may shock you.
01:23:36.460 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
01:23:38.520 Sometimes I won't.
01:23:39.380 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
01:23:43.220 You have three new voice messages.
01:23:46.160 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
01:23:49.060 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.
01:23:51.740 Longer than anybody else.
01:23:53.400 So great.
01:23:54.000 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
01:24:13.340 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.
01:24:17.680 Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.
01:24:21.920 Third rule.
01:24:22.860 Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.
01:24:25.600 Or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
01:24:27.240 And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.