This Past Weekend with Theo Von - March 20, 2017


3 - 19 - 17 ｜ This Past Weekend #14


Episode Stats


Length

52 minutes

Words per minute

169.77301

Word count

8,863

Sentence count

807

Harmful content

Misogyny

46

sentences flagged

Toxicity

129

sentences flagged

Hate speech

22

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, Theo talks about his birthday and the fear of urinating in your bed when you're in your 30s. Also, he talks about a man who thinks the earth is flat and a guy who believes the moon is round.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.380 What's up you little gristle whistlers, huh? You alive, dude? Knock, knock. Who's there? 1.00
00:00:06.220 Hopefully you. How you living, man? You believe in ghosts, man? You believe in ghosts?
00:00:12.380 Do ghosts believe in you, though? That's the question.
00:00:16.340 Have you done enough in your life for ghosts to believe in you?
00:00:21.600 You ever accidentally urinate on your ex-girlfriend, bro, while y'all was sharing a sofa while you were sleeping over in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, about nine years ago?
00:00:30.000 Have you ever just wet the bed in your 30s, dude, because you got issues that you haven't dealt with?
00:00:36.500 Huh? You ever covered yourself in baby oil and pretended you was back inside your mother's womb?
00:00:42.900 Ooh, hey, mama. 1.00
00:00:44.520 Well, if you have, dude, you're definitely welcome here.
00:00:48.000 This is This Past Weekend.
00:00:51.580 This Past Weekend.
00:00:54.960 Good morning. It is March 19th, 2017.
00:01:01.000 The year of the, I don't even know what it is, man.
00:01:04.100 It could be an animal, Chinese, probably something they thought of, you know, and shared with the rest of us.
00:01:10.620 I'm Theo Vaughn. This is This Past Weekend.
00:01:14.000 And it's my birthday, man.
00:01:15.860 And we'll start off and say that.
00:01:18.200 I know we talked about it last week a little bit on here.
00:01:21.020 I was at my brother's home in Baton Rouge, and we taped the episode in his children's.
00:01:27.600 He has three beautiful children's, and we taped the episode in their playroom, where they keep their toys and capes and just daytime pieces of adventure.
00:01:38.660 So here I am back at home in Los Angeles, and it's my birthday, man.
00:01:44.320 And it feels pretty good, you know.
00:01:48.180 I'm 37.
00:01:49.800 I am 37 years old, man.
00:01:52.020 I'm an adult male.
00:01:53.020 I've made a lot of poor choices, dude.
00:01:56.060 Wet the bed until pretty much, I'd say early 30s, you know.
00:02:00.620 Probably some anxiety, fear of nighttime.
00:02:02.640 Actually, I remember as a child, I would get very scared of going to bed and the darkness and anything that it could, you know, that it could hide inside of itself and expose to me when I least expected it.
00:02:21.780 And I would, I remember at night, at night I used to stand on my bed at night because I had a fear specifically of animals.
00:02:29.520 We had a lot of dangerous animals in our neighborhood.
00:02:34.120 I grew up in the stray animal belt.
00:02:36.240 A lot of people know that.
00:02:38.340 And I remember at nighttime that I would stand on my bed and urinate around my bed, you know, off of my bed, just off onto the floor because I had heard that animals wouldn't attack if another animal had urinated locally.
00:02:55.540 So, yeah.
00:02:58.120 So, anyway, that was some of my youth, you know, right there experimenting with urine and trying to protect myself as a child.
00:03:06.880 And just, I guess, coming through a lot of fear, you know, a lot of fear as a young boy.
00:03:12.240 But, yeah, I'm 37, man, you know.
00:03:15.100 And it feels, it feels scary a little bit.
00:03:19.940 But, you know, it's kind of one of the last fears you can kind of say how old you are.
00:03:24.660 And I haven't done that for a while.
00:03:26.160 I've been hiding.
00:03:27.120 I've tried to hide my age.
00:03:28.560 I think I've had some ashamed about it.
00:03:30.940 You know, just uncertainty.
00:03:33.560 Didn't want people to know how old I was.
00:03:35.540 Felt inferior of my accomplishments that I hadn't done enough in a certain age.
00:03:43.120 But now I'm trying to embrace it.
00:03:45.300 I'm trying to be where I am.
00:03:47.640 And where I am is 37 years of existence on, according to a lot of creeps and a lot of brothers out there really perpetuating the idea of a flat earth.
00:04:00.620 People saying that we've been living on a flat earth.
00:04:03.600 I ran into a gentleman today outside of a Whole Foods type of, you know, clean food store.
00:04:13.900 And he really, he was authentic in his beliefs that the earth is flat.
00:04:18.340 So I had to listen to that for a while.
00:04:20.360 Nice gentleman, though, we'll say that.
00:04:23.760 But, yeah, man, I'm 37.
00:04:25.940 I had a good day.
00:04:27.140 What did I do?
00:04:27.780 I got up.
00:04:29.720 I went and had breakfast with a friend of mine, a rich friend.
00:04:32.580 They well off and beautiful.
00:04:35.960 They got two beautiful children and they, you know, they just have nice hair.
00:04:41.300 And that's one thing about the rich I always noticed growing up.
00:04:45.080 Their hair looked very, like it was bought somewhere or sewn in or like their hair was from France, you know, like they had, you know, France hair.
00:04:58.240 And they just, I remember the rich always seemed, you know, like if you saw a rich dude with bad hair, you were like, this dude ain't, ain't, this dude ain't rich.
00:05:09.460 You know, he's not as rich as he could be.
00:05:11.520 Um, cause I remember rich people always had nice hair.
00:05:16.400 But anyhow, man, it's my birthday.
00:05:18.400 I spent time with my friend this morning.
00:05:21.460 I went bike riding today.
00:05:23.240 My boy Dirt Nasty out there and, um, and a couple of other buddies.
00:05:27.340 We went bike riding on these motorized bicycles.
00:05:30.360 And they can go up to like about 30 miles an hour.
00:05:33.580 You just press a button.
00:05:34.840 So you're on a, on a regular bicycle.
00:05:37.420 And next thing you know, you were just flying, bro.
00:05:40.640 So we did that in Venice all day.
00:05:42.500 I threw a little bit of that video.
00:05:44.380 Um, if you're on the YouTube watching, I threw a little bit of that video at the beginning.
00:05:48.960 But anyhow, thank you for joining me.
00:05:51.240 Um, it's good, man.
00:05:53.540 I've had some good birthdays over the years.
00:05:55.300 I remember a friend of mine has a one-year-old child.
00:06:00.360 Now it's older.
00:06:01.500 But at the time it was one.
00:06:03.500 And he had his birthday party at, uh, Perry Farrell's house.
00:06:07.320 Uh, uh, Perry Perrell?
00:06:10.020 The guy from Jane's Addiction.
00:06:11.760 The lead singer.
00:06:12.740 So that was pretty interesting.
00:06:13.820 Go over there.
00:06:15.000 Celebrating for a one-year-old.
00:06:17.060 My ex-girlfriend threw me a surprise party one year.
00:06:19.920 That was very nice.
00:06:21.160 Uh, I had a roller rink birthday when I was young.
00:06:25.300 And I remember this young, uh, this young black gentleman came to the party.
00:06:30.920 And nobody knew him.
00:06:32.840 You know, we were children.
00:06:34.300 And he showed up.
00:06:35.880 His mother dropped him off.
00:06:37.200 And he was pleasant.
00:06:38.800 You know, um, I think Demetrius or Demetri.
00:06:43.140 He was pleasant.
00:06:44.380 Kind of an Italian black kind of name.
00:06:46.520 And he was pleasant.
00:06:48.360 And he enjoyed the party.
00:06:50.900 And ate.
00:06:52.080 And enjoyed himself.
00:06:53.580 And did roller skating.
00:06:55.300 And then he, his mom came and picked him up.
00:06:57.120 And, and he went home.
00:06:59.000 And he was not.
00:07:00.340 Nobody knew him though.
00:07:01.420 None of the parents knew him.
00:07:02.960 And none of the children knew him.
00:07:04.860 So that's, I mean, I guess that's a way, that's one way to fit in.
00:07:08.360 That is for sure.
00:07:09.140 But I appreciate you guys joining me.
00:07:13.780 Um, what's been going on this past weekend?
00:07:18.400 Um, really just kind of chilled, man.
00:07:20.740 I had about 10 comedy sets.
00:07:22.660 A lot of joy out there.
00:07:24.920 Oh, I met Charlie Sheen.
00:07:26.480 So that was pretty wild.
00:07:28.240 I worked on this thing called Typical Rick.
00:07:30.640 Which is a Comedy Central series with Nick Swartzen and, uh, Simon Rex.
00:07:36.160 And, um, it was season two of that.
00:07:38.600 And it had a small part on there.
00:07:40.660 And I walk over to Wardrobe on the set.
00:07:44.500 And, uh, Charlie Sheen is sitting there.
00:07:46.460 The big dog himself.
00:07:47.640 You know, Mr. Tiger's blood.
00:07:49.520 Uh, HIV.
00:07:51.540 You know, the Superman.
00:07:52.520 Uh, he was smoking a cigarette.
00:07:55.240 And so I got me a cigarette.
00:07:56.500 And we started chatting.
00:07:57.860 And just sharing the breeze.
00:07:59.260 And just, just throwing ideas around.
00:08:02.200 And I had this shirt on that had a picture of, uh, Michael Landon on it.
00:08:06.020 And everybody knows I'm a big Michael Landon fan.
00:08:09.000 And Charlie asked me about the shirt.
00:08:10.820 And I told him about my fanship.
00:08:13.000 And then he said that, um, that one time he was, he was escaping out of a rehab facility.
00:08:19.500 And that, uh, one of Michael Landon's sons, his, one, one of Michael Landon's children was in the, in the facility.
00:08:27.660 And as he was leaving, uh, he saw the door open to the room of Michael Landon's son.
00:08:32.960 And he asked him if he wanted to go party with him.
00:08:35.480 And that they left out and partied for the weekend.
00:08:37.900 So, that was pretty cool, man.
00:08:39.760 And he looked, I mean, he was really captivating.
00:08:43.380 Great energy.
00:08:44.340 Super sweet guy.
00:08:45.640 I mean, just honestly nice as could be.
00:08:48.300 And he looked like he'd been at Spring Break for about 30 years, um, in Cancun.
00:08:55.620 And, uh, and it was, it was just cool, man.
00:08:58.960 It was just interesting to just kind of chat with him and just shoot the breeze.
00:09:02.580 Um, what else did we talk about?
00:09:04.940 That was it, man.
00:09:06.120 That was it, dude.
00:09:06.980 And I'll tell you this.
00:09:07.900 They had a couple ladies there on set. 1.00
00:09:09.840 And I think any lady would have left with him, man.
00:09:12.600 I mean, the dude, he just got that, I don't know.
00:09:17.120 He's got that, he just had the charisma, man.
00:09:19.720 That charisma.
00:09:21.580 And, uh, so that was it.
00:09:22.960 So that was part of, an interesting part of the weekend was just getting a bump into, uh,
00:09:27.120 Mr. Charlie Sheen himself.
00:09:30.000 Ah.
00:09:30.360 And a lot of times I think on my birthday I feel negative, you know, or just like I haven't gotten things done.
00:09:40.800 And then sometimes I'll remember, think about this, that you were a sperm, bro. 0.98
00:09:48.600 Think about a sperm, dude. 0.98
00:09:50.720 There's tons of them. 0.99
00:09:51.820 Um, you were a sperm, and now I was a sperm.
00:09:57.380 Everybody pretty much was a sperm unless, you know, somebody's, you know, doing something different. 0.96
00:10:04.520 But now, look at me, I have, I have, I'm six feet tall.
00:10:08.300 I have hands and arms and, I mean, if anything, I've achieved a lot.
00:10:13.780 I mean, I'm probably 30 million times my original size.
00:10:18.640 Um, I'm really on another level.
00:10:20.760 Um, so even just thinking about that, about how far I've come physically, uh, that's pretty amazing.
00:10:28.480 So that's one thing to even just think about on your birthday, that even just physically, that you've come a long way as a human.
00:10:35.800 As a human.
00:10:38.680 And I really, I felt a lot of joy today because my neighbors made me a nice meal.
00:10:43.680 And I got home and they had made me a meal.
00:10:46.820 And, um, they let me invite a friend.
00:10:49.460 And we went over there and we ate.
00:10:52.160 We had some pieces of London broil.
00:10:54.640 And they had, um, a salad that had all kinds of cranberries and avocados and delectable tidbits and this and that.
00:11:04.640 You know, things that make your face feel good when you put them inside of your mouth.
00:11:08.460 And we also had a little bit of coconut ice cream.
00:11:12.880 You know, as night time set in, we had a little bit of that coconut ice cream. 1.00
00:11:16.760 And god damn, that shit just, ugh. 1.00
00:11:20.880 Just feels like it's just fucking the inside of my mouth, man. 1.00
00:11:23.820 I love, I love coconut. 1.00
00:11:27.160 I love coconut, man.
00:11:28.640 And when I die, I'd be happy to just be packed in it.
00:11:33.100 Just pack me in coconut and astronaut ice cream.
00:11:36.620 If you've ever had that, it's dehydrated ice cream.
00:11:39.480 And they sell it at, um, at museums.
00:11:42.300 And it's a very nice treat to have in a museum or in other buildings elsewhere.
00:11:47.040 I think back to my first birthday in Los Angeles.
00:11:52.940 Uh, I was living with two friends.
00:11:55.480 I was sleeping under a man's bed, actually.
00:11:57.880 And I think I've mentioned this before.
00:11:59.980 For $150 a month on a large pool raft.
00:12:04.260 He had one of those pool rafts.
00:12:07.020 And, um, and I slept under his bed and up under the edge of his bed.
00:12:11.200 Except for if he was out of town, I would, I would, honestly, I'd get into that man's bed.
00:12:15.380 And even though I didn't know him super well, I knew him.
00:12:18.980 You know, we're buddies.
00:12:19.860 But I would lay in his bed, dude.
00:12:22.040 And I would sleep in there.
00:12:23.400 And that's kind of a wild feeling, I think.
00:12:25.440 Um, sleeping in another man's bed and just letting yourself just be natural. 0.98
00:12:32.020 You know, like that.
00:12:33.180 Because it feels, another man's bed feels like another man.
00:12:37.740 You know, it feels like you being bad.
00:12:41.940 You know, and you just Goldilocksing.
00:12:43.980 And a gentleman's, you know, and you don't know.
00:12:47.760 And he didn't make his bed.
00:12:48.940 That's another thing I remember.
00:12:50.760 He didn't make his bed.
00:12:52.560 And getting into another man's bed that he doesn't even make.
00:12:57.120 I mean, it's, oh, it's, it's, it really makes you feel a little bit gutter.
00:13:03.240 You know, it puts the, it puts the, it puts the guh in gutter, dude. 0.85
00:13:09.480 You get in there and it's just not the same as if somebody's bed is made and you get in.
00:13:14.260 That's very, it feels a little less.
00:13:16.860 I don't think it's homoerotic.
00:13:18.760 I just think it's just nasty.
00:13:20.620 It feels less nasty that way.
00:13:22.260 So, yeah, that was my first birthday in L.A.
00:13:26.120 I was paying $150 a month and sleeping under a man's bed.
00:13:30.320 And also, I remember, my responsibility was we didn't have a refrigerator.
00:13:35.100 And my responsibility was to get us a refrigerator.
00:13:39.720 And it happened to be my birthday.
00:13:41.000 And I finally found a refrigerator on Craigslist.
00:13:45.380 I get the dude to bring it over, get it off of his truck.
00:13:49.120 And I'm trying to be friendly. 0.96
00:13:50.500 I'm from the South and I'm, you know, and I'm just fucking at least partly friendly. 0.94
00:13:55.960 And I say, well, I will. 0.95
00:13:57.720 I can get it inside.
00:13:58.920 I don't need any help, guys.
00:14:00.200 You know, I want to be a man.
00:14:01.580 And I've been going to the gymnasium at the time.
00:14:03.660 And, you know, I might have even been on muscular uppers and stuff that were making me feel strong.
00:14:11.000 So, I'm like, I'll get the refrigerator myself.
00:14:14.360 So, next thing you know, I'm trying to get this refrigerator.
00:14:16.620 I'm pushing it down this little side alley by the apartments.
00:14:20.480 Right up to the back door of the apartment we're staying in.
00:14:24.400 And I get it in the doorway.
00:14:26.360 And it gets stuck.
00:14:28.840 And I'm literally running and shouldering this refrigerator.
00:14:34.480 Trying to beat this refrigerator into our apartment.
00:14:37.360 It's all, I mean, you can, the grill thing on the back or the, I don't know what it's called.
00:14:43.640 It looks like a vent kind of thing. 0.80
00:14:45.020 But where the Freon and stuff is, it's all broken up and shit.
00:14:48.480 And I remember just leaning against it at the end. 0.73
00:14:52.160 And just crying, bro.
00:14:54.360 Just crying, man. 0.94
00:14:55.740 Like a little, just like a little labia of, just like a little labia of the world. 0.96
00:15:03.040 And, you know, just like a, just like a, not even a strong labia. 0.95
00:15:08.300 And just crying.
00:15:09.820 And that was my birthday. 1.00
00:15:10.920 I just remember, this is my fucking birthday. 0.99
00:15:13.640 Here I am crying, trying to beat a refrigerator in. 0.99
00:15:17.500 And, uh, into an apartment.
00:15:19.580 And that was, that was a dark one, man. 0.87
00:15:22.680 That was a dark birthday.
00:15:23.760 But this, this wasn't that today.
00:15:25.360 Today was nice and calm and adult.
00:15:27.220 And, it was one of those days where I realized I gotta be, I gotta be an adult, man.
00:15:33.340 You know, I don't want to grow up sometimes.
00:15:36.620 But at some point, you have to do it.
00:15:40.480 You got to adult. 1.00
00:15:42.560 You gotta quit, you know, doing kid shit, man. 0.99
00:15:47.400 And I think in the past year I've done some of those things, you know. 0.99
00:15:50.920 I mean, I quit drinking.
00:15:52.460 Some people don't know that.
00:15:53.620 But I do, uh, I do not drink.
00:15:55.600 I'm eight months now of not drinking.
00:15:58.980 Um, I struggle sometimes with some cigarettes.
00:16:01.240 They know that.
00:16:02.380 And I struggle sometimes as well with, um, you know, trying to stop a pornography.
00:16:07.700 Which is a huge issue.
00:16:09.460 And I'd love, uh, if people are gonna call in next week to give some calls.
00:16:13.740 If you have, if you have some issues with that, I'd love to know about it.
00:16:16.820 I want to delve into that a lot next week.
00:16:19.160 I'm gonna give you that hotline number right now.
00:16:21.500 To leave a voicemail.
00:16:22.740 And it's 985-664-9503. 0.99
00:16:29.000 And if you want to call in, if you're struggling with masturbation, uh, masturbatory activities. 0.96
00:16:34.720 And I just want to know how you're dealing with it, you know. 0.94
00:16:37.280 The ups and downs of it.
00:16:39.100 Um, also if you've had some shitty jobs, I might talk about that as well. 0.99
00:16:43.520 Because at a certain point, masturbating is, is a shitty job, man. 0.99
00:16:48.080 It is a, it's a habit that you get into. 0.99
00:16:52.420 And, uh, and dealing with that pornography and dealing with that.
00:16:55.760 I mean, I'm just amazed at how many people have reached out to me and said,
00:16:59.220 Look, man, I'm really struggling with this, you know.
00:17:01.460 I'm really struggling with that activity.
00:17:02.940 But I'm feeling fortunate today.
00:17:07.760 I'm feeling better this week.
00:17:10.320 And thinking about what do I need to get done in my life to make me feel, you know, of my age.
00:17:19.340 To make me feel 37.
00:17:20.860 There's a lot of things that have been just sitting on the, on the diving board.
00:17:23.720 You know, that I've been afraid to just kind of throw into the pool.
00:17:26.140 And now it's time to cut it up, dude.
00:17:28.360 Now it's time to bust some straight up gunt.
00:17:31.180 You feel me?
00:17:32.480 Now it's time to, now it's time to hum this gunt out into the ether.
00:17:37.100 And that's what I'm going to do.
00:17:38.960 That is what I'm going to do.
00:17:40.880 And I remember, I used to have a lot of dreams of things that I never got done.
00:17:45.180 I remember I wanted to see-do around the world when I was young.
00:17:48.940 And I even, I wrote a letter to See-Do at the time.
00:17:51.960 And that's like a jet ski type company.
00:17:54.580 But that was the only one they had at the time.
00:17:56.420 I think it was called a See-Do, S-E-A-D-O-O, See-Do.
00:18:01.760 And you, and you could go pretty far on them.
00:18:05.440 You know, and I used to live along a river and I would do them there and get on them.
00:18:09.080 And, and I remember emailing them, writing them a letter and saying,
00:18:14.940 I want a See-Do around the world.
00:18:16.860 You know, I can do this.
00:18:18.400 And they never wrote back.
00:18:21.420 So I've had some dreams that haven't really come to fruition.
00:18:24.180 You know, I wanted to be a dancer.
00:18:26.980 I'll be honest about that, dude.
00:18:28.860 You know, it's kind of a, you know, it's a tough thing to admit.
00:18:32.160 I'll admit that.
00:18:33.600 But I wanted to be a dancer.
00:18:35.780 You know, in my, in my 20s, I felt...
00:18:39.960 Dude, I, sometimes I got out of bed and my feet just felt so light.
00:18:44.840 My feet just felt light.
00:18:48.060 Like I could do it.
00:18:50.580 You know, and then I hurt my back, dude.
00:18:54.540 Painting a house and just dangerous, really painting it just in dangerous heat.
00:19:00.900 In over 100 degree heat.
00:19:02.480 Wrapped in, and I was wrapped in this visqueen suit because a bunch of bees were trying to get me. 0.99
00:19:07.200 And, uh, and I hurt my back.
00:19:09.220 And, you know, that ended kind of some of my dancing dreams.
00:19:12.980 But I still have other dreams, you know.
00:19:14.680 I still have other things that I want to get done.
00:19:16.740 But here I am 37, you know.
00:19:20.320 Here I am 37 and I'm looking forward.
00:19:22.580 I'm looking forward to this year.
00:19:24.800 And I'm looking forward to trying to put some safe pressure on myself so that I can get some things done, man.
00:19:31.080 So, anyhow, let's, uh, I want to get into some calls, man.
00:19:34.120 We got some great calls.
00:19:35.440 I appreciate everybody reaching out on the hotline.
00:19:37.720 And that number is 985-664-9503.
00:19:43.000 And I'm not offering advice here.
00:19:45.120 But I will try to offer basic life suggestions based on experiences that I've had.
00:19:50.360 Because I've been out there, man.
00:19:51.700 I've done the, I've been involved in some dirty things, you know. 0.51
00:19:55.540 And I've made love to some busted women out in the, in the existence, you know. 1.00
00:20:00.340 And I've, I've done the drugs and the, you know, and I've done some naughty things.
00:20:07.360 I'll tell you one time, one birthday I had that stands out.
00:20:11.100 I was with this man, David was his name.
00:20:14.980 And he had two different color eyes.
00:20:17.440 And I've always, I've always thought those people were trouble.
00:20:21.700 Honestly, when you see somebody and they got two different color eyes, it's not a, you know, the, it wasn't, they weren't fully designed.
00:20:29.840 I never thought.
00:20:31.280 And this boy, David, we were on this party bus kind of thing.
00:20:36.460 And it was like a tour bus.
00:20:38.440 And I was going to sleep.
00:20:40.200 And he liked to party, you know, and do drugs and do uppers.
00:20:44.220 And he said, hey man, let's go party.
00:20:46.380 It's about 1.30 in the morning.
00:20:48.500 I was like, man, I'm tired, man.
00:20:50.040 You know, I can't.
00:20:51.420 I'm tired.
00:20:52.700 And he goes, well, I'll go get us some drugs, you know.
00:20:54.960 And this is when I was doing drugs and enjoying drugs.
00:20:58.940 And, uh, and so I said, well, look, man, if you come back with drugs, I'll do them with you.
00:21:04.080 You know, trying to be supportive.
00:21:06.760 And then I fall asleep.
00:21:08.860 About 4.30 in the morning, this dude rolls back in.
00:21:12.120 And he's got some, uh, steroids on him.
00:21:15.820 Some Testosterona 400.
00:21:18.920 And that's a steroid, Mexican steroid. 0.98
00:21:21.120 Horse uppers.
00:21:22.640 Uppers for horses and equestrians.
00:21:25.300 And so he's like, let's party, dude. 0.97
00:21:28.200 I'm like, I'm not fucking doing steroids, dude. 0.97
00:21:32.220 First of all, they take about two weeks to get in your system. 0.99
00:21:35.340 So even if we hit a club right now, we're not going to feel the vibe from it, you know. 1.00
00:21:41.280 We're not going to feel the, but he had me, you know, shoot him in the ass with these drugs. 0.98
00:21:46.620 And, uh, and he kind of put on some athletic looking gear and went to like a late rave or something. 0.99
00:21:52.620 Or something that was popping off around 5 a.m.
00:21:55.660 So that was a birthday that I had.
00:21:57.380 That was a bit lonely.
00:21:59.500 All right, man.
00:22:00.480 Let's get into some of these calls, dude.
00:22:01.900 We got some amazing calls that came in.
00:22:03.980 Uh, I want to hear what's up.
00:22:05.580 We're about to hit this hotline right here.
00:22:07.700 All right, we got this call from Franklin, North Carolina.
00:22:12.860 Hey, bruh.
00:22:13.820 My girl has three really long, thick, bristly hairs growing out of her navel. 1.00
00:22:19.160 I plucked one while she was sleeping.
00:22:21.500 The root was really bulbous and girthy and smelled like bone broth.
00:22:26.380 Should I love her or leave her?
00:22:27.820 Wow, man.
00:22:30.620 Um, yeah, that's the hairy navel, dude.
00:22:33.200 I've, you know, I haven't dealt with that.
00:22:37.100 Uh, I've, I've definitely dated, I dated a girl with a very small head, uh, for a while.
00:22:42.740 And even, it was almost just like her neck had gotten real fancy at the top and had a mouth on it and stuff. 0.87
00:22:49.260 And, and I remember her head just felt like a, just like a, like an adventurous kind of melon.
00:22:57.580 It wasn't, it was, it was about a three-quarter head maybe of a regular head.
00:23:03.540 And that made me nervous, dude. 0.89
00:23:05.720 Um, I dated a girl that, she, her mouth smelled like meat around her mouth. 1.00
00:23:10.800 Smelled like different meat.
00:23:11.900 Um, like she was just, you know, just hiding carpaccio under her skin or something around her mouth.
00:23:20.940 Or doing, putting some kind of meats or something on her mouth at night.
00:23:25.640 And I know she wasn't.
00:23:26.620 I mean, that's crazy.
00:23:27.400 She wasn't, she didn't even eat beef jerky or do any of those, nothing like that.
00:23:32.140 But she had this very meat, this kind of barbecue-ish kind of feeling and scent around her lips.
00:23:40.020 That made me nervous.
00:23:41.900 I hooked up with this girl one time in South Carolina or North Carolina who's, her breasts 1.00
00:23:47.300 kind of felt like shit diapers a little bit. 1.00
00:23:50.720 Um, you know, like a baby, like if a baby has like a poop diaper, you can, you can mold the 0.99
00:23:55.080 diaper and it'll stay that way. 0.87
00:23:57.260 And her breasts were like that. 0.99
00:23:58.820 You could shape them and they would stay in whatever shape it, you kind of put them in.
00:24:04.320 Um, so that was very baffling.
00:24:07.940 But I never said a word, you know, uh, I never said a word.
00:24:11.900 Dude, because I've had things that I'm sure and do have things that I'm sure women don't 1.00
00:24:17.200 like about me. 0.91
00:24:18.100 You know, I've had hairy back, um, had hairy buttocks. 0.94
00:24:23.040 You know, sometimes I get it kind of tended to.
00:24:25.200 They got a Persian lady over here who really hates hair and she'll go at it for you for 1.00
00:24:30.340 about $50 and really attack it.
00:24:33.860 And, but I, uh, I, uh, you know, I used to be nervous, self-conscious that I had hair
00:24:41.480 kind of on my buttocks and back.
00:24:43.100 And I even remember I would walk out of the room backwards.
00:24:45.820 Like if I were leaving a bedroom, if I'd been making love with a lady and I'm walking
00:24:49.800 out of the room, I would walk backwards. 0.98
00:24:52.220 Like I'm fucking, like I'm that dude in, uh, in Silence of the Lambs, you know, you know, 0.96
00:24:58.860 but I would like walk backwards like I was Michael Jackson, you know, just like, I gotta 0.98
00:25:03.300 go to the bathroom, you know, just walk out of the room like that, dude. 0.88
00:25:07.400 Cause I was just, I didn't, maybe I was just self-conscious about that.
00:25:12.080 Um, I had a fever one time really bad and made love to a woman. 0.98
00:25:16.300 And I, I know to this day that she questions probably the heat that was coming out of my
00:25:21.580 body.
00:25:22.140 You know, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was beyond normal. 0.83
00:25:27.860 Just, I mean, it was like 103 degree fever I was fucking at, you know, and that's very intense 0.83
00:25:33.480 probably. 0.94
00:25:33.940 So I don't know what she thought.
00:25:34.960 Maybe that I had some type of a rabies or that I was just angry, just so angry, you
00:25:42.020 know, to be coming in that hot physically.
00:25:45.600 So I think you got to think about that, man.
00:25:47.520 Like how many hairs and weird body things do you have?
00:25:50.900 You know, I mean, not to scold you, but to let you know that dude, you probably have countless
00:25:57.380 deficiencies, countless, man.
00:26:00.240 We all do.
00:26:01.780 So you can't really hold your lady to that crazy regard.
00:26:04.800 I don't think, you know, I mean, maybe celebrate it, get her a barrette, you know, get her
00:26:10.080 a barrette up and just pop a beautiful barrette, like a nice church, little church brooch for
00:26:16.240 your hair and put it on the, on those hairs, you know, or gel them down, you know, make
00:26:23.000 a game about it, you know, floss your teeth with them, dude.
00:26:26.540 Celebrate it.
00:26:28.100 Maybe instead of, you know, trying to sneak them out of her body while she's resting. 0.84
00:26:32.900 And how hard does she even sleep if you're able to pull a hair out of her body? 1.00
00:26:36.260 I'd worry about more about, you know, some of her sleep patterns and about some of her
00:26:41.520 hair patterns.
00:26:42.240 And, uh, and just love her, man.
00:26:46.120 That's what I say, dude.
00:26:47.080 Cause here's the thing.
00:26:48.180 If you love her, love her for everything, bro. 0.99
00:26:50.300 If she has one leg or one lip or one, you know, or only one, one, one fucking hat or anything, 0.97
00:27:00.580 dude, love her. 0.99
00:27:01.460 You know, if you're going to love her, love her.
00:27:02.940 That's what I say.
00:27:03.640 If you say you're going to love somebody, then love them. 0.97
00:27:06.380 Otherwise, don't bullshit them up top, man.
00:27:08.440 But if you want to mail that hair in, dude, uh, email me and I'll show the hair to people 0.76
00:27:13.140 just to prove that you're out there doing that, sneaking hairs out of people's body in
00:27:16.820 the middle of the night, bro. 1.00
00:27:18.080 Damn, dog. 1.00
00:27:19.600 That's some Boo Radley shit right there, bro. 1.00
00:27:22.140 But I do appreciate, uh, you checking in. 0.99
00:27:24.520 And I say just embrace her, man. 0.99
00:27:26.840 You know, show her some, some bad hair you have and y'all just be fucking hair bears, dog. 0.99
00:27:32.300 You know, hair bear up. 0.99
00:27:34.480 Hair bear up.
00:27:36.620 All right, I got some, a couple of announcements to make.
00:27:38.840 I'm going to cut to a couple more calls, man.
00:27:40.460 Um, first of all, if you're watching on YouTube or iTunes, go ahead and subscribe.
00:27:45.240 You know, be a subscriber.
00:27:46.980 Uh, rate the podcast.
00:27:49.200 Give me some decent ratings because I'm trying to get enough listeners where I can have some
00:27:53.020 advertisers.
00:27:53.840 I mean, that's just the business side of that.
00:27:56.460 Um, I have some comedy dates coming up.
00:27:58.660 I feel very grateful to have, uh, to have the ability to be at, um, comedy on state this
00:28:04.620 weekend, March 23rd through 25th in Madison, Wisconsin.
00:28:08.720 And then I'm going to be at the punchline in Sacramento, April 21st through 23rd.
00:28:15.900 So I'm excited about that.
00:28:18.240 People have asked me about the shop, uh, TheoVaughn.com slash store.
00:28:22.320 We got some Got Hamps shirts in there.
00:28:25.460 Um, you can still get the album, 30 pound bag of hamster bones.
00:28:29.180 We were doing well on the charts.
00:28:30.460 We're still doing pretty good, but we could pick it up.
00:28:32.680 If you want to grab the album, um, talking about my boy that I grew up with, this boy named
00:28:37.800 Danny, who had some, he had this deficiency in his neck.
00:28:42.060 So I'll talk about that.
00:28:44.020 All right, let's take another call here.
00:28:47.260 And this is from Canada.
00:28:48.740 This is Monica. 0.87
00:28:50.780 Oh, hey Theo.
00:28:51.800 This is Monica. 0.87
00:28:52.820 I'm calling from Vancouver, Canada.
00:28:54.920 And I'm just wanting to get your male perspective on an issue I'm having.
00:29:00.460 So I'm about 27.
00:29:02.940 I've been dealing with depression and social anxiety probably for the last 10 years or so.
00:29:09.300 And last year was especially pretty rough.
00:29:12.100 Probably the last six or eight months, I've been really sad and just feeling lonely and
00:29:19.960 just like empty.
00:29:21.340 And on top of that, I gained a bunch of weight.
00:29:23.980 So you just feel so unattractive and you just want to hide away from everybody.
00:29:29.020 But at this point, I've come to the realization of being alone at this point isn't really good
00:29:35.860 for my psyche.
00:29:36.880 And I know that it's time for me to get out there and pick myself up again and get into
00:29:43.320 the dating world.
00:29:44.700 So I guess I'm just hoping you might have so many looking for some advice from you to, 0.90
00:29:50.700 you know, get some confidence back and get my shit together, hopefully.
00:29:56.300 So any thoughts you have would be greatly appreciated. 0.98
00:29:59.140 Wow.
00:30:01.360 Well, I mean, first, look, Monica, I'll tell you this.
00:30:05.740 You know, I love you. 0.98
00:30:06.700 I'll say that right out of the gate, you freaking little, you thick little muffin. 0.96
00:30:11.960 You know, if you're putting on a pound or two, you could just hug me. 0.98
00:30:16.500 I bet it feels good.
00:30:17.680 That's the good thing about if you do put on a little bit of weight, when you hug somebody,
00:30:22.440 you're really giving them more joy.
00:30:25.320 You know, you ever hug a bony person?
00:30:27.080 It's like, it's like holding on to a pillowcase full of deer antlers, you know, but you hug
00:30:34.600 a real meat, a real meat dog, you know, or a meaty or stronger, thicker, Rubenesque.
00:30:41.280 That's beautiful, you know.
00:30:43.080 So I want to say, first of all, that I love you, you know, and, and I feel you.
00:30:47.660 And it sounds like you got a, you're putting a lot on your plate, you know, I mean, you
00:30:51.460 want to feel better.
00:30:54.300 And then you don't want to be alone.
00:30:57.760 Oh, and I can sympathize with that.
00:31:00.260 Um, regarding the weight, I mean, you would be surprised how much getting in shape and
00:31:08.480 getting your blood going makes everything else better, specifically your mindset.
00:31:14.420 Like you get a little bit of activity, physical activity, your mind is going to, it's going
00:31:19.880 to start to get in shape as well.
00:31:21.820 And I would try to approach your weight loss, not with, I have to lose weight or I'm going
00:31:28.120 to lose weight, but with the idea or the mindset that I'm going to live a healthier lifestyle.
00:31:35.780 Then it's not just about the weight.
00:31:38.280 And I find that people who approach it that way, that I'm going to live a healthier lifestyle,
00:31:44.520 tend to lose weight and actually keep it off because then they're headed in an overall better
00:31:51.660 direction.
00:31:52.300 And this, uh, and this is going to sound kind of silly, but I promise that this works,
00:31:57.800 right?
00:31:58.340 When you see a food that you want, but you shouldn't have, don't say, I can't eat that.
00:32:06.420 I would say, I don't eat that.
00:32:10.240 That way you are taking ownership.
00:32:14.340 You're taking control as opposed to letting the food take the control.
00:32:18.360 If that makes any sense, you know, I don't eat that. 0.99
00:32:22.120 That's way fricking, then you're like a thug. 0.99
00:32:25.380 You're a thug out there. 0.98
00:32:26.840 Whereas if you say, I can't eat that, then you are in this kind of, uh, you're being attacked 0.97
00:32:33.920 kind of by the food.
00:32:35.460 So I don't eat that.
00:32:37.780 It just, it's a lot more power for you.
00:32:40.200 And I feel like that that will just empower you overall.
00:32:43.400 And I think those are some simple things you can do to, to start moving like a physically
00:32:48.280 healthier direction.
00:32:49.520 And in terms of like social anxiety, I, I can a hundred percent relate.
00:32:55.300 I mean, I spent honestly about five years of my life sleeping, uh, in Santa Monica.
00:33:02.180 Just, I was depressed and I was, I would get uncomfortable being in social circles and I
00:33:07.960 would lay in my bed and I would just sleep and I would eat peanut butter and jellies during
00:33:12.840 the daytime and I would hope for the best, but not, but not act for the best.
00:33:18.960 And, uh, and I thought that one day I would just wake up or, or from some nap, I would
00:33:25.480 just wake up and suddenly the world would be better or I would feel better.
00:33:29.740 But that never happened.
00:33:31.340 I mean, all I really did was push my problems like five years down the road.
00:33:34.900 And there's, and there's no magic way to make yourself feel comfortable, you know, like
00:33:41.300 in a social setting.
00:33:42.880 I mean, I think one thing that does help is just trying to make each time you're in a social
00:33:47.900 setting a little bit better than the last time by making more effort, you know, introduce
00:33:55.400 yourself to people.
00:33:56.940 I think that's the best thing.
00:33:58.280 Just, Hey, I'm Theo.
00:33:59.700 Hey, I'm Monica.
00:34:00.460 Like, cause immediately you're taking kind of, you're taking, again, you're taking ownership.
00:34:04.860 You're taking control of the situation.
00:34:06.940 And even if they don't respond well, at least then that's them being antisocial.
00:34:12.540 That's not you being antisocial.
00:34:14.740 And also try to find areas.
00:34:17.300 Maybe you could be looking in the wrong circles.
00:34:19.700 Like, dude, I went to nightclubs for years, bruh.
00:34:23.480 And it was a bunch of Persian people in there.
00:34:25.560 Usually adult men are very tan, like men that had been in the gymnasium and look like their
00:34:31.920 muscles were just trying to climb out of their shirt and leave them because their muscles
00:34:36.140 didn't even like them.
00:34:37.820 Like their muscles just wanted to get divorced from their skeletons and just, just be done
00:34:42.580 with them, you know, and veins blowing up out of their chest and neck.
00:34:46.800 And, and then a lot of Persian men wearing a cologne, heavy cologne. 0.95
00:34:52.560 And, and I would be there and I would feel like something was wrong with me, you know,
00:34:57.680 but really everybody in the club or 90% of the people were miserable.
00:35:01.980 They were just trying to look like they were having a good time.
00:35:05.780 And one of my problems was I was going to clubs.
00:35:08.360 I was looking repeatedly in the same place for social acceptance and a place that really
00:35:13.920 I never did like, I never did like clubs, man.
00:35:16.880 I like more of like being around a fire. 0.99
00:35:19.340 Um, fuck, I even scrapbooked, bruh. 1.00
00:35:22.080 I fucking scrapbooked, dude. 1.00
00:35:23.520 I, so, you know, I'm not saying I'm going to join some scrapbookers club with a lot of 0.99
00:35:27.000 ladies and stuff, but, but I needed to find other areas, uh, to get social in.
00:35:32.300 And once I started doing that, you know, I would just hang out at a comedy club.
00:35:35.980 Those people, it's a, it's just a different vibe.
00:35:37.880 Um, you know, there's no great way to do it, but you got to make an effort.
00:35:43.940 And whether that's the next time I go to a party, I'm going to introduce myself to two
00:35:47.120 people or I'm a pet animal.
00:35:49.520 You could even start off at a petting zoo.
00:35:51.560 You could start off at a petting zoo and get out there or meet children, go to a place where
00:35:57.280 a lot of children are.
00:35:58.840 You know, if you don't, if you know, you don't have any issues with children and meet
00:36:02.660 children because they're going to be accepting.
00:36:05.560 They'll be cool and then just use some of those same skills you learn with children
00:36:09.340 or even with animals, uh, with adults.
00:36:13.140 And also like give yourself permission to be uncomfortable.
00:36:16.600 You don't have to be comfortable.
00:36:18.820 That's another myth.
00:36:20.520 We're not always comfortable, bro.
00:36:22.880 So give yourself permission to not be comfortable.
00:36:27.260 Oh, I'm uncomfortable.
00:36:28.700 Okay. 0.99
00:36:29.600 Instead of like, Oh fuck, I'm uncomfortable. 0.99
00:36:32.000 You know, Oh God. 1.00
00:36:33.500 Oh, I'm so uncomfortable.
00:36:34.340 Mom, this shirt, it doesn't feel these shoes.
00:36:36.440 They don't match this, this. 0.99
00:36:37.960 Otherwise it's like, Oh fuck, I'm uncomfortable. 0.99
00:36:40.080 I don't know why. 1.00
00:36:41.600 Don't pin the tail on your own donkey.
00:36:43.300 If you don't know why you're uncomfortable.
00:36:45.560 I used to do that.
00:36:46.420 Oh, I'm uncomfortable.
00:36:47.440 Bah, bah, bah, bah.
00:36:50.620 But I'll say this.
00:36:51.660 I, uh, I heard a quote once that insecurity is the belief that this is only happening to
00:36:58.940 us.
00:37:00.820 You know, there's, there's so few feelings in so many people that there's a lot of people
00:37:07.380 who are having the same feelings you are.
00:37:09.100 So, you gotta, you gotta voice them.
00:37:12.300 You gotta share them. 0.99
00:37:13.700 Find somebody else that looks awkward as fuck. 0.99
00:37:16.520 And boom. 0.99
00:37:17.420 That's your first friend.
00:37:18.920 If you feel awkward, find somebody else that's awkward.
00:37:21.960 They're easy to pick out.
00:37:23.780 And then bam.
00:37:25.180 Now y'all have dual awkwardness.
00:37:28.140 Two awkwardness.
00:37:29.880 You know what they say.
00:37:30.820 Two awkwardness make a comfort.
00:37:33.220 So, I think that that could help. 0.99
00:37:35.020 I hope some of that shit helps, you know. 0.99
00:37:37.140 Be at the library. 0.99
00:37:38.280 Even though they have a lot of deviant homeless at the library.
00:37:40.760 And a lot of them are, I mean this, I had some insane experiences when I first got to
00:37:46.640 LA. 0.99
00:37:46.980 A lot of homeless, and they do masturbation too at the library. 0.99
00:37:50.500 You know that. 0.99
00:37:54.060 And Monica, I just want to say I love you.
00:37:55.740 You know, I hope you feel better.
00:37:57.180 You know, you're probably a good woman.
00:38:01.140 You probably are.
00:38:02.480 And if you care enough about yourself to reach out to other people, that's a great start.
00:38:08.800 So, you're already doing way better than I was.
00:38:11.300 Those years I was just lying in my bed just eating peanut butter and jellies and, oh, caught
00:38:17.040 up in the throes of pornography and just in the dark, in the dark, in the darkness.
00:38:21.580 So, I'm proud of you there.
00:38:22.820 You got this.
00:38:23.760 Just G up a little.
00:38:24.720 Drink a Red Bull.
00:38:26.360 G up.
00:38:27.580 You know, even something as little as getting yourself a new pair of sneakers or something
00:38:30.360 like that can kind of, it can just excite you.
00:38:33.400 Some small motivation.
00:38:35.520 And don't do it all in one day.
00:38:37.220 You don't have to change today.
00:38:39.160 You just have to progress today.
00:38:42.560 So, progress, not perfection.
00:38:44.140 You know, that's kind of what I'm aiming at overall.
00:38:45.920 All right.
00:38:47.240 We got one more call here from Santa Clarita, California, Spanish town.
00:38:51.380 Hey, Theo.
00:38:52.300 I got a question for you.
00:38:55.120 A little bit of a situation I'm in.
00:38:58.100 My girlfriend, she works at a gym, okay?
00:39:01.480 She's a personal trainer. 1.00
00:39:02.800 When she first got hired on, I kind of had an issue with her becoming that, being a personal 0.99
00:39:09.000 trainer, being that she's extremely attractive.
00:39:13.160 Um, so I knew guys would hit on her. 0.98
00:39:16.800 Um, but anyways, I went forth with it and I let her know, you know, do your thing.
00:39:23.560 And she ended up becoming a personal trainer and so far, everything has been kosher up 0.66
00:39:29.580 until today, actually, where actually she texts me and she told me, by the way, I was
00:39:35.980 at work today and the GM of the gym ends up letting her know like, hey, how'd you get 0.99
00:39:45.180 such a nice ass? 1.00
00:39:47.080 Which in my mind is fucking ridiculous. 1.00
00:39:51.400 That's just offensive. 1.00
00:39:52.580 You're the GM, you're the general manager of the gym.
00:39:56.240 You don't ask a question like that to your employee.
00:39:59.500 And from what I know, this is a, uh, the GM is a, is a generally attractive guy in his
00:40:07.700 younger years.
00:40:09.220 And I just was like, she told me this, which I appreciate it.
00:40:14.080 But my question is, I guess is how would you react to that situation?
00:40:19.800 I mean, you find out this guy's kind of creeping on your girl like that.
00:40:24.140 And I don't even know if it's creeping.
00:40:25.900 I don't know if I should be mad about that.
00:40:29.120 Jealous.
00:40:29.520 What should I be, I guess?
00:40:32.320 I don't know.
00:40:32.920 At first I was mad, but that's the question, man.
00:40:36.760 I'm just wondering what you think of it.
00:40:38.800 Okay.
00:40:39.560 Let me know.
00:40:40.220 Awesome, dude.
00:40:42.440 Well, look, uh, thanks for calling in with that, bro.
00:40:45.600 You got some issues there.
00:40:46.840 Your lady's at the gym. 1.00
00:40:48.540 Um, the owner of the gym is hitting on her, you know, trying to freaking, you know, attack 1.00
00:40:54.740 that gun from the inside.
00:40:56.400 You feel me?
00:40:57.460 And I respect that.
00:40:58.780 I mean, that's nature.
00:40:59.960 You know, he's just being a part of nature.
00:41:02.340 It sounds like he's being inappropriate.
00:41:05.400 Um, but dude, do you really want a girlfriend that's, that other dudes aren't hitting on?
00:41:12.540 You know?
00:41:13.400 I mean, maybe you do, but I don't think you do.
00:41:16.900 You know, like that's one of the consequences.
00:41:19.180 If you're dating a chick that's hot or a chick that works at the gym, bro, any gym, it could
00:41:24.940 just be a, like a single barbell in a basement somewhere in a cavern and men will wander in
00:41:31.600 there and hit on her.
00:41:33.100 If she says she's a personal trainer, there's something sexy about that, you know, about
00:41:37.720 the woman that works at the gym and trying to, you know, be sensual with her. 1.00
00:41:42.220 So that's going to happen.
00:41:43.460 So I think you kind of want that.
00:41:45.220 I mean, you want your girl to be attractive.
00:41:47.360 You want other men to, to want her.
00:41:50.120 I mean, I'll be honest, bro. 0.99
00:41:51.140 Right when you even mentioned your girl that he thought she had a nice ass, I wanted to 0.99
00:41:55.760 see your girl's ass, bro, you know, and I'm not saying I'm proud of that thought, but 1.00
00:42:01.060 I wanted to see your girl's ass, dude. 1.00
00:42:03.580 And I wanted to see that ass. 1.00
00:42:05.280 I wanted to, I was thinking about it. 1.00
00:42:07.700 I was thinking about it, man. 0.99
00:42:08.780 I was picturing, you know, just the, whatever her ass looked like, the beautiful little 1.00
00:42:13.200 globes and the little, just being dirty, bro. 1.00
00:42:17.340 I thought about being dirty.
00:42:18.320 So that's the problem with us, man.
00:42:22.400 There's like, we got the sin inside of us.
00:42:25.080 We got the innermost layer of just dirt ball.
00:42:28.180 It's just that dirt ball.
00:42:29.980 It's almost like we have an extra layer of skin on us and it's just, it's just a bunch
00:42:33.440 of dirt ball cellophane, you know, because we want to be nasty as men, man.
00:42:38.820 You know, I mean, look, I dated a hot chick one time. 0.92
00:42:41.560 You know what she did, bro? 0.99
00:42:42.720 Well, she fucking cheated on me, dude. 1.00
00:42:46.240 So that's what you get, bro. 1.00
00:42:48.640 It can happen.
00:42:49.940 It's one of the risks you get.
00:42:51.240 That's why the old school move date a busted chick and pretend she's hot. 1.00
00:42:58.080 That way, if you pretend well enough, you think she's hot. 0.97
00:43:01.660 She thinks she's hot. 1.00
00:43:03.560 And everybody wins pretty much, you know?
00:43:06.660 I mean, that's one, that's one school of thought.
00:43:10.560 And on another level, I would worry less about how you feel about the situation and think
00:43:17.080 about how she feels.
00:43:18.620 I mean, she's getting lurked on by this, as you said, an aging GM who looked better in
00:43:23.980 the past.
00:43:26.140 You know, she has way creepy situation for her to be in. 1.00
00:43:31.000 So you should, I would just, I would keep your concern right there, you know, just as to
00:43:35.640 how she feels.
00:43:36.820 If she's handling it and she's confident, then you got to show up with that confidence
00:43:41.020 and be supportive right next to her, dude.
00:43:43.280 You can't be getting too insecure.
00:43:45.520 Because women just, it's not in their nature to want to be with an insecure man.
00:43:50.920 It's not in their nature, bro.
00:43:52.600 Not in their nature.
00:43:53.680 If you put an insecure man, or even an insecure baby, I bet, out in a field, and you put a woman 1.00
00:44:01.580 out there who has breast milk in her, and that baby's insecure, he's like, I bet you three
00:44:10.460 out of ten women wouldn't breastfeed that baby. 1.00
00:44:14.120 But you put a tough ass baby out there, a little Italian baby, a German baby, you know, 1.00
00:44:20.460 then women are going to want, they're going to want that because they're going to feel 1.00
00:44:23.200 that security that, oh, that baby knows what he's doing.
00:44:25.700 That baby's combing his hair, you know, that baby's wearing a gold chain, that baby, I'll
00:44:31.820 breastfeed that baby.
00:44:34.540 Yeah, because if you're insecure about other men being interested in her, then that's going
00:44:42.060 to make her question whether or not you believe in yourself.
00:44:46.760 And if she starts questioning that, then immediately she's going to start questioning whether or not
00:44:52.840 she believes in you, and I think that's just nature, you know, that's just the, that's the
00:44:59.040 insecurity food chain, you know, so you want to be secure.
00:45:03.600 That's the, that's the place you want to come from.
00:45:06.660 Confidence, see if she's all right, you know, because she's the one who's got to take that 0.99
00:45:10.720 ass to the gym and do all the work. 0.98
00:45:12.020 I don't even know if you have a job, bro.
00:45:14.040 You didn't mention you're employed.
00:45:15.980 So I don't know really what you're up to.
00:45:18.500 I mean, I'm supportive of you if you don't have a job, but I'd probably, I'd love for you
00:45:22.400 to be working.
00:45:23.780 But yeah, man, I mean, I mean, it's really unwise to ask somebody to be more secure in
00:45:32.340 you than you are. 0.58
00:45:34.640 And then I'd let him know.
00:45:36.420 I'd let that dude know. 0.76
00:45:38.340 You know, I would let him know in like a weird kind of trill, thug, maybe homoerotic way, 1.00
00:45:45.580 dude, I would, here's what I would do.
00:45:47.060 I would send that dude a letter, the GM dude, and just an anonymous letter, doesn't know it's
00:45:52.280 from you, doesn't know what woman it's regarding. 1.00
00:45:54.880 And I would say, if you keep hitting on my woman, I'm going to track you down and fuck 1.00
00:45:59.660 you, bruh. 1.00
00:46:00.780 That's what I would say. 1.00
00:46:02.240 And I would underline fuck, and I would underline bruh. 1.00
00:46:07.840 That way he's going to know you're a little askew. 1.00
00:46:10.300 And then I would hashtag let's fuck. 1.00
00:46:13.840 That's what I would do. 1.00
00:46:14.820 So that way, he's like, wait, you don't want me hitting on your girl, or you're going to 1.00
00:46:19.940 fuck me. 1.00
00:46:20.680 And then you're saying, let's fuck anyway. 1.00
00:46:22.500 Now this dude is going to be, first of all, that makes you seem way secure. 1.00
00:46:27.100 You know, you're so secure in your lady, you'll bang this fucking dude. 1.00
00:46:31.220 Dude, that's secure to me, man. 1.00
00:46:36.440 And second of all, it lets that dude know shit, you know. 0.99
00:46:41.080 If he doesn't want to end up copulating with a man, then he needs to watch what he's doing. 0.99
00:46:49.540 And he could be doing that to other women, so that could really stop a lot of his behaviors,
00:46:54.320 man.
00:46:54.480 So that's kind of a beautiful idea.
00:46:55.940 But those are just some suggestions that I have.
00:47:00.440 What else, guys?
00:47:01.700 I think that's kind of it, maybe, for today, man.
00:47:04.440 It's getting late.
00:47:05.840 Where are we at?
00:47:06.740 It's getting late, bruh.
00:47:10.720 And then actually, I got one more thing.
00:47:12.840 My mother sent me a card.
00:47:15.480 So I'm going to check this card out.
00:47:23.440 It says, happy birthday.
00:47:24.740 Wishing you a wildly wonderful year.
00:47:28.860 I hope 2017, your 37th year, will bring you happiness and self-satisfaction.
00:47:34.860 I love you, Theo, your mom.
00:47:37.860 Really nice of her to send me that beautiful card right there.
00:47:42.560 My mother doesn't have much, but, you know, she doesn't give up.
00:47:48.380 You know, she wasn't equipped with a lot of, sometimes I don't think, all the emotions that I wanted her to have as a mother when I was young.
00:47:57.580 But she never stops working to try and show me that she cares.
00:48:08.860 Even if she can't, and not because it's her own fault, but even if she can't, always make me feel like she cares.
00:48:17.540 And I think that that's pretty remarkable to not give up, man.
00:48:23.020 Hard-working woman out of Illinois. 0.52
00:48:26.100 You know, and I admire a hard-working woman, man. 1.00
00:48:29.080 And, but yeah, my mother and I had some, you know, just weird stuff growing up, you know.
00:48:33.880 We just, I just never felt, just didn't feel her care sometimes, you know.
00:48:40.900 Just got stuck in this care void.
00:48:42.700 But, but she never has stopped, ever, trying to let me know that she does care.
00:48:53.860 And that's pretty remarkable.
00:48:55.360 It's the best we can do sometimes as people, man.
00:48:58.760 I'm not, I don't know, I'll take us out with some music.
00:49:00.760 Let me find a good song.
00:49:01.820 I appreciate you guys being here with me for my birthday.
00:49:05.500 I know I'm a little tired.
00:49:06.800 Maybe Sunday night isn't the night to do this.
00:49:08.600 I don't know.
00:49:09.720 You know, I don't know.
00:49:10.540 But, but thank you also for supporting the album, 30 Pound Bag of Hamster Bones.
00:49:16.260 It's on iTunes.
00:49:18.380 We got a new album that's going to come out soon.
00:49:20.820 The material from the Netflix special will be released on iTunes as well at a fair price.
00:49:27.120 I'm about fair price things and that sort of thing, you know.
00:49:32.520 I'm not out here trying to make a buck, you know.
00:49:35.200 But, but I'm trying to, I'm trying to make something of myself, you know.
00:49:39.960 I'm trying to make something of my 37th year.
00:49:42.760 You know, it's going to be wild, dude.
00:49:47.180 Here's I'll Be Home for Christmas.
00:49:51.560 I will be home for Christmas.
00:49:59.480 God, they're good all year round.
00:50:02.400 It is March.
00:50:03.440 It's still good.
00:50:04.200 You can learn always.
00:50:13.200 That's some of that deep voice.
00:50:14.680 That's somebody's stepdaddy right there.
00:50:16.360 That's mustache.
00:50:18.360 I think I've got a big dong and a mustache.
00:50:20.900 Oh, man, I met Charlie Sheen, too.
00:50:24.780 I'll tell you about it next week.
00:50:25.860 I forgot about that.
00:50:37.780 Merry Christmas, everybody.
00:50:47.300 Merry Christmas, man.
00:50:52.120 See you guys.
00:50:54.720 See you guys under the, uh, under the mistletoe, huh?
00:50:57.940 Good luck out there, Monica.
00:50:59.180 Keep your head up, huh, boo?
00:51:01.080 All right, boo, boo. 0.80
00:51:02.060 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll
00:51:10.020 be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to
00:51:14.700 pleasure your partner.
00:51:16.260 The answer may shock you.
00:51:17.980 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
00:51:20.060 Sometimes I won't.
00:51:21.580 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
00:51:24.660 You have three new voice messages.
00:51:27.640 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
00:51:30.300 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
00:51:34.920 So great.
00:51:36.260 Aye, sweetheart.
00:51:37.920 Easy deal. 1.00
00:51:39.200 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. 1.00
00:51:43.160 Jermaine. 1.00
00:51:44.140 Ho, ho. 1.00
00:51:45.220 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
00:51:48.240 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
00:51:50.340 Oh, ho, ho. 0.96
00:51:51.580 No.
00:51:51.880 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
00:51:54.880 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.
00:51:59.200 Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.
00:52:03.440 Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts, or watch us on YouTube,
00:52:08.580 yeah?
00:52:09.220 And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.