This Past Weekend with Theo Von - 3 - 19 - 17

00:00:00.380 What's up you little gristle whistlers, huh? You alive, dude? Knock, knock. Who's there?

00:00:06.220 Hopefully you. How you living, man? You believe in ghosts, man? You believe in ghosts?

00:00:12.380 Do ghosts believe in you, though? That's the question.

00:00:16.340 Have you done enough in your life for ghosts to believe in you?

00:00:21.600 You ever accidentally urinate on your ex-girlfriend, bro, while y'all was sharing a sofa while you were sleeping over in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, about nine years ago?

00:00:30.000 Have you ever just wet the bed in your 30s, dude, because you got issues that you haven't dealt with?

00:00:36.500 Huh? You ever covered yourself in baby oil and pretended you was back inside your mother's womb?

00:00:42.900 Ooh, hey, mama.

00:00:44.520 Well, if you have, dude, you're definitely welcome here.

00:00:48.000 This is This Past Weekend.

00:00:51.580 This Past Weekend.

00:00:54.960 Good morning. It is March 19th, 2017.

00:01:01.000 The year of the, I don't even know what it is, man.

00:01:04.100 It could be an animal, Chinese, probably something they thought of, you know, and shared with the rest of us.

00:01:10.620 I'm Theo Vaughn. This is This Past Weekend.

00:01:14.000 And it's my birthday, man.

00:01:15.860 And we'll start off and say that.

00:01:18.200 I know we talked about it last week a little bit on here.

00:01:21.020 I was at my brother's home in Baton Rouge, and we taped the episode in his children's.

00:01:27.600 He has three beautiful children's, and we taped the episode in their playroom, where they keep their toys and capes and just daytime pieces of adventure.

00:01:38.660 So here I am back at home in Los Angeles, and it's my birthday, man.

00:01:44.320 And it feels pretty good, you know.

00:01:48.180 I'm 37.

00:01:49.800 I am 37 years old, man.

00:01:52.020 I'm an adult male.

00:01:53.020 I've made a lot of poor choices, dude.

00:01:56.060 Wet the bed until pretty much, I'd say early 30s, you know.

00:02:00.620 Probably some anxiety, fear of nighttime.

00:02:02.640 Actually, I remember as a child, I would get very scared of going to bed and the darkness and anything that it could, you know, that it could hide inside of itself and expose to me when I least expected it.

00:02:21.780 And I would, I remember at night, at night I used to stand on my bed at night because I had a fear specifically of animals.

00:02:29.520 We had a lot of dangerous animals in our neighborhood.

00:02:34.120 I grew up in the stray animal belt.

00:02:36.240 A lot of people know that.

00:02:38.340 And I remember at nighttime that I would stand on my bed and urinate around my bed, you know, off of my bed, just off onto the floor because I had heard that animals wouldn't attack if another animal had urinated locally.

00:02:55.540 So, yeah.

00:02:58.120 So, anyway, that was some of my youth, you know, right there experimenting with urine and trying to protect myself as a child.

00:03:06.880 And just, I guess, coming through a lot of fear, you know, a lot of fear as a young boy.

00:03:12.240 But, yeah, I'm 37, man, you know.

00:03:15.100 And it feels, it feels scary a little bit.

00:03:19.940 But, you know, it's kind of one of the last fears you can kind of say how old you are.

00:03:24.660 And I haven't done that for a while.

00:03:26.160 I've been hiding.

00:03:27.120 I've tried to hide my age.

00:03:28.560 I think I've had some ashamed about it.

00:03:30.940 You know, just uncertainty.

00:03:33.560 Didn't want people to know how old I was.

00:03:35.540 Felt inferior of my accomplishments that I hadn't done enough in a certain age.

00:03:43.120 But now I'm trying to embrace it.

00:03:45.300 I'm trying to be where I am.

00:03:47.640 And where I am is 37 years of existence on, according to a lot of creeps and a lot of brothers out there really perpetuating the idea of a flat earth.

00:04:00.620 People saying that we've been living on a flat earth.

00:04:03.600 I ran into a gentleman today outside of a Whole Foods type of, you know, clean food store.

00:04:13.900 And he really, he was authentic in his beliefs that the earth is flat.

00:04:18.340 So I had to listen to that for a while.

00:04:20.360 Nice gentleman, though, we'll say that.

00:04:23.760 But, yeah, man, I'm 37.

00:04:25.940 I had a good day.

00:04:27.140 What did I do?

00:04:27.780 I got up.

00:04:29.720 I went and had breakfast with a friend of mine, a rich friend.

00:04:32.580 They well off and beautiful.

00:04:35.960 They got two beautiful children and they, you know, they just have nice hair.

00:04:41.300 And that's one thing about the rich I always noticed growing up.

00:04:45.080 Their hair looked very, like it was bought somewhere or sewn in or like their hair was from France, you know, like they had, you know, France hair.

00:04:58.240 And they just, I remember the rich always seemed, you know, like if you saw a rich dude with bad hair, you were like, this dude ain't, ain't, this dude ain't rich.

00:05:09.460 You know, he's not as rich as he could be.

00:05:11.520 Um, cause I remember rich people always had nice hair.

00:05:16.400 But anyhow, man, it's my birthday.

00:05:18.400 I spent time with my friend this morning.

00:05:21.460 I went bike riding today.

00:05:23.240 My boy Dirt Nasty out there and, um, and a couple of other buddies.

00:05:27.340 We went bike riding on these motorized bicycles.

00:05:30.360 And they can go up to like about 30 miles an hour.

00:05:33.580 You just press a button.

00:05:34.840 So you're on a, on a regular bicycle.

00:05:37.420 And next thing you know, you were just flying, bro.

00:05:40.640 So we did that in Venice all day.

00:05:42.500 I threw a little bit of that video.

00:05:44.380 Um, if you're on the YouTube watching, I threw a little bit of that video at the beginning.

00:05:48.960 But anyhow, thank you for joining me.

00:05:51.240 Um, it's good, man.

00:05:53.540 I've had some good birthdays over the years.

00:05:55.300 I remember a friend of mine has a one-year-old child.

00:06:00.360 Now it's older.

00:06:01.500 But at the time it was one.

00:06:03.500 And he had his birthday party at, uh, Perry Farrell's house.

00:06:07.320 Uh, uh, Perry Perrell?

00:06:10.020 The guy from Jane's Addiction.

00:06:11.760 The lead singer.

00:06:12.740 So that was pretty interesting.

00:06:13.820 Go over there.

00:06:15.000 Celebrating for a one-year-old.

00:06:17.060 My ex-girlfriend threw me a surprise party one year.

00:06:19.920 That was very nice.

00:06:21.160 Uh, I had a roller rink birthday when I was young.

00:06:25.300 And I remember this young, uh, this young black gentleman came to the party.

00:06:30.920 And nobody knew him.

00:06:32.840 You know, we were children.

00:06:34.300 And he showed up.

00:06:35.880 His mother dropped him off.

00:06:37.200 And he was pleasant.

00:06:38.800 You know, um, I think Demetrius or Demetri.

00:06:43.140 He was pleasant.

00:06:44.380 Kind of an Italian black kind of name.

00:06:46.520 And he was pleasant.

00:06:48.360 And he enjoyed the party.

00:06:50.900 And ate.

00:06:52.080 And enjoyed himself.

00:06:53.580 And did roller skating.

00:06:55.300 And then he, his mom came and picked him up.

00:06:57.120 And, and he went home.

00:06:59.000 And he was not.

00:07:00.340 Nobody knew him though.

00:07:01.420 None of the parents knew him.

00:07:02.960 And none of the children knew him.

00:07:04.860 So that's, I mean, I guess that's a way, that's one way to fit in.

00:07:08.360 That is for sure.

00:07:09.140 But I appreciate you guys joining me.

00:07:13.780 Um, what's been going on this past weekend?

00:07:18.400 Um, really just kind of chilled, man.

00:07:20.740 I had about 10 comedy sets.

00:07:22.660 A lot of joy out there.

00:07:24.920 Oh, I met Charlie Sheen.

00:07:26.480 So that was pretty wild.

00:07:28.240 I worked on this thing called Typical Rick.

00:07:30.640 Which is a Comedy Central series with Nick Swartzen and, uh, Simon Rex.

00:07:36.160 And, um, it was season two of that.

00:07:38.600 And it had a small part on there.

00:07:40.660 And I walk over to Wardrobe on the set.

00:07:44.500 And, uh, Charlie Sheen is sitting there.

00:07:46.460 The big dog himself.

00:07:47.640 You know, Mr. Tiger's blood.

00:07:49.520 Uh, HIV.

00:07:51.540 You know, the Superman.

00:07:52.520 Uh, he was smoking a cigarette.

00:07:55.240 And so I got me a cigarette.

00:07:56.500 And we started chatting.

00:07:57.860 And just sharing the breeze.

00:07:59.260 And just, just throwing ideas around.

00:08:02.200 And I had this shirt on that had a picture of, uh, Michael Landon on it.

00:08:06.020 And everybody knows I'm a big Michael Landon fan.

00:08:09.000 And Charlie asked me about the shirt.

00:08:10.820 And I told him about my fanship.

00:08:13.000 And then he said that, um, that one time he was, he was escaping out of a rehab facility.

00:08:19.500 And that, uh, one of Michael Landon's sons, his, one, one of Michael Landon's children was in the, in the facility.

00:08:27.660 And as he was leaving, uh, he saw the door open to the room of Michael Landon's son.

00:08:32.960 And he asked him if he wanted to go party with him.

00:08:35.480 And that they left out and partied for the weekend.

00:08:37.900 So, that was pretty cool, man.

00:08:39.760 And he looked, I mean, he was really captivating.

00:08:43.380 Great energy.

00:08:44.340 Super sweet guy.

00:08:45.640 I mean, just honestly nice as could be.

00:08:48.300 And he looked like he'd been at Spring Break for about 30 years, um, in Cancun.

00:08:55.620 And, uh, and it was, it was just cool, man.

00:08:58.960 It was just interesting to just kind of chat with him and just shoot the breeze.

00:09:02.580 Um, what else did we talk about?

00:09:04.940 That was it, man.

00:09:06.120 That was it, dude.

00:09:06.980 And I'll tell you this.

00:09:07.900 They had a couple ladies there on set.

00:09:09.840 And I think any lady would have left with him, man.

00:09:12.600 I mean, the dude, he just got that, I don't know.

00:09:17.120 He's got that, he just had the charisma, man.

00:09:19.720 That charisma.

00:09:21.580 And, uh, so that was it.

00:09:22.960 So that was part of, an interesting part of the weekend was just getting a bump into, uh,

00:09:27.120 Mr. Charlie Sheen himself.

00:09:30.000 Ah.

00:09:30.360 And a lot of times I think on my birthday I feel negative, you know, or just like I haven't gotten things done.

00:09:40.800 And then sometimes I'll remember, think about this, that you were a sperm, bro.

00:09:48.600 Think about a sperm, dude.

00:09:50.720 There's tons of them.

00:09:51.820 Um, you were a sperm, and now I was a sperm.

00:09:57.380 Everybody pretty much was a sperm unless, you know, somebody's, you know, doing something different.

00:10:04.520 But now, look at me, I have, I have, I'm six feet tall.

00:10:08.300 I have hands and arms and, I mean, if anything, I've achieved a lot.

00:10:13.780 I mean, I'm probably 30 million times my original size.

00:10:18.640 Um, I'm really on another level.

00:10:20.760 Um, so even just thinking about that, about how far I've come physically, uh, that's pretty amazing.

00:10:28.480 So that's one thing to even just think about on your birthday, that even just physically, that you've come a long way as a human.

00:10:35.800 As a human.

00:10:38.680 And I really, I felt a lot of joy today because my neighbors made me a nice meal.

00:10:43.680 And I got home and they had made me a meal.

00:10:46.820 And, um, they let me invite a friend.

00:10:49.460 And we went over there and we ate.

00:10:52.160 We had some pieces of London broil.

00:10:54.640 And they had, um, a salad that had all kinds of cranberries and avocados and delectable tidbits and this and that.

00:11:04.640 You know, things that make your face feel good when you put them inside of your mouth.

00:11:08.460 And we also had a little bit of coconut ice cream.

00:11:12.880 You know, as night time set in, we had a little bit of that coconut ice cream.

00:11:16.760 And god damn, that shit just, ugh.

00:11:20.880 Just feels like it's just fucking the inside of my mouth, man.

00:11:23.820 I love, I love coconut.

00:11:27.160 I love coconut, man.

00:11:28.640 And when I die, I'd be happy to just be packed in it.

00:11:33.100 Just pack me in coconut and astronaut ice cream.

00:11:36.620 If you've ever had that, it's dehydrated ice cream.

00:11:39.480 And they sell it at, um, at museums.

00:11:42.300 And it's a very nice treat to have in a museum or in other buildings elsewhere.

00:11:47.040 I think back to my first birthday in Los Angeles.

00:11:52.940 Uh, I was living with two friends.

00:11:55.480 I was sleeping under a man's bed, actually.

00:11:57.880 And I think I've mentioned this before.

00:11:59.980 For $150 a month on a large pool raft.

00:12:04.260 He had one of those pool rafts.

00:12:07.020 And, um, and I slept under his bed and up under the edge of his bed.

00:12:11.200 Except for if he was out of town, I would, I would, honestly, I'd get into that man's bed.

00:12:15.380 And even though I didn't know him super well, I knew him.

00:12:18.980 You know, we're buddies.

00:12:19.860 But I would lay in his bed, dude.

00:12:22.040 And I would sleep in there.

00:12:23.400 And that's kind of a wild feeling, I think.

00:12:25.440 Um, sleeping in another man's bed and just letting yourself just be natural.

00:12:32.020 You know, like that.

00:12:33.180 Because it feels, another man's bed feels like another man.

00:12:37.740 You know, it feels like you being bad.

00:12:41.940 You know, and you just Goldilocksing.

00:12:43.980 And a gentleman's, you know, and you don't know.

00:12:47.760 And he didn't make his bed.

00:12:48.940 That's another thing I remember.

00:12:50.760 He didn't make his bed.

00:12:52.560 And getting into another man's bed that he doesn't even make.

00:12:57.120 I mean, it's, oh, it's, it's, it really makes you feel a little bit gutter.

00:13:03.240 You know, it puts the, it puts the, it puts the guh in gutter, dude.

00:13:09.480 You get in there and it's just not the same as if somebody's bed is made and you get in.

00:13:14.260 That's very, it feels a little less.

00:13:16.860 I don't think it's homoerotic.

00:13:18.760 I just think it's just nasty.

00:13:20.620 It feels less nasty that way.

00:13:22.260 So, yeah, that was my first birthday in L.A.

00:13:26.120 I was paying $150 a month and sleeping under a man's bed.

00:13:30.320 And also, I remember, my responsibility was we didn't have a refrigerator.

00:13:35.100 And my responsibility was to get us a refrigerator.

00:13:39.720 And it happened to be my birthday.

00:13:41.000 And I finally found a refrigerator on Craigslist.

00:13:45.380 I get the dude to bring it over, get it off of his truck.

00:13:49.120 And I'm trying to be friendly.

00:13:50.500 I'm from the South and I'm, you know, and I'm just fucking at least partly friendly.

00:13:55.960 And I say, well, I will.

00:13:57.720 I can get it inside.

00:13:58.920 I don't need any help, guys.

00:14:00.200 You know, I want to be a man.

00:14:01.580 And I've been going to the gymnasium at the time.

00:14:03.660 And, you know, I might have even been on muscular uppers and stuff that were making me feel strong.

00:14:11.000 So, I'm like, I'll get the refrigerator myself.

00:14:14.360 So, next thing you know, I'm trying to get this refrigerator.

00:14:16.620 I'm pushing it down this little side alley by the apartments.

00:14:20.480 Right up to the back door of the apartment we're staying in.

00:14:24.400 And I get it in the doorway.

00:14:26.360 And it gets stuck.

00:14:28.840 And I'm literally running and shouldering this refrigerator.

00:14:34.480 Trying to beat this refrigerator into our apartment.

00:14:37.360 It's all, I mean, you can, the grill thing on the back or the, I don't know what it's called.

00:14:43.640 It looks like a vent kind of thing.

00:14:45.020 But where the Freon and stuff is, it's all broken up and shit.

00:14:48.480 And I remember just leaning against it at the end.

00:14:52.160 And just crying, bro.

00:14:54.360 Just crying, man.

00:14:55.740 Like a little, just like a little labia of, just like a little labia of the world.

00:15:03.040 And, you know, just like a, just like a, not even a strong labia.

00:15:08.300 And just crying.

00:15:09.820 And that was my birthday.

00:15:10.920 I just remember, this is my fucking birthday.

00:15:13.640 Here I am crying, trying to beat a refrigerator in.

00:15:17.500 And, uh, into an apartment.

00:15:19.580 And that was, that was a dark one, man.

00:15:22.680 That was a dark birthday.

00:15:23.760 But this, this wasn't that today.

00:15:25.360 Today was nice and calm and adult.

00:15:27.220 And, it was one of those days where I realized I gotta be, I gotta be an adult, man.

00:15:33.340 You know, I don't want to grow up sometimes.

00:15:36.620 But at some point, you have to do it.

00:15:40.480 You got to adult.

00:15:42.560 You gotta quit, you know, doing kid shit, man.

00:15:47.400 And I think in the past year I've done some of those things, you know.

00:15:50.920 I mean, I quit drinking.

00:15:52.460 Some people don't know that.

00:15:53.620 But I do, uh, I do not drink.

00:15:55.600 I'm eight months now of not drinking.

00:15:58.980 Um, I struggle sometimes with some cigarettes.

00:16:01.240 They know that.

00:16:02.380 And I struggle sometimes as well with, um, you know, trying to stop a pornography.

00:16:07.700 Which is a huge issue.

00:16:09.460 And I'd love, uh, if people are gonna call in next week to give some calls.

00:16:13.740 If you have, if you have some issues with that, I'd love to know about it.

00:16:16.820 I want to delve into that a lot next week.

00:16:19.160 I'm gonna give you that hotline number right now.

00:16:21.500 To leave a voicemail.

00:16:22.740 And it's 985-664-9503.

00:16:29.000 And if you want to call in, if you're struggling with masturbation, uh, masturbatory activities.

00:16:34.720 And I just want to know how you're dealing with it, you know.

00:16:37.280 The ups and downs of it.

00:16:39.100 Um, also if you've had some shitty jobs, I might talk about that as well.

00:16:43.520 Because at a certain point, masturbating is, is a shitty job, man.

00:16:48.080 It is a, it's a habit that you get into.

00:16:52.420 And, uh, and dealing with that pornography and dealing with that.

00:16:55.760 I mean, I'm just amazed at how many people have reached out to me and said,

00:16:59.220 Look, man, I'm really struggling with this, you know.

00:17:01.460 I'm really struggling with that activity.

00:17:02.940 But I'm feeling fortunate today.

00:17:07.760 I'm feeling better this week.

00:17:10.320 And thinking about what do I need to get done in my life to make me feel, you know, of my age.

00:17:19.340 To make me feel 37.

00:17:20.860 There's a lot of things that have been just sitting on the, on the diving board.

00:17:23.720 You know, that I've been afraid to just kind of throw into the pool.

00:17:26.140 And now it's time to cut it up, dude.

00:17:28.360 Now it's time to bust some straight up gunt.

00:17:31.180 You feel me?

00:17:32.480 Now it's time to, now it's time to hum this gunt out into the ether.

00:17:37.100 And that's what I'm going to do.

00:17:38.960 That is what I'm going to do.

00:17:40.880 And I remember, I used to have a lot of dreams of things that I never got done.

00:17:45.180 I remember I wanted to see-do around the world when I was young.

00:17:48.940 And I even, I wrote a letter to See-Do at the time.

00:17:51.960 And that's like a jet ski type company.

00:17:54.580 But that was the only one they had at the time.

00:17:56.420 I think it was called a See-Do, S-E-A-D-O-O, See-Do.

00:18:01.760 And you, and you could go pretty far on them.

00:18:05.440 You know, and I used to live along a river and I would do them there and get on them.

00:18:09.080 And, and I remember emailing them, writing them a letter and saying,

00:18:14.940 I want a See-Do around the world.

00:18:16.860 You know, I can do this.

00:18:18.400 And they never wrote back.

00:18:21.420 So I've had some dreams that haven't really come to fruition.

00:18:24.180 You know, I wanted to be a dancer.

00:18:26.980 I'll be honest about that, dude.

00:18:28.860 You know, it's kind of a, you know, it's a tough thing to admit.

00:18:32.160 I'll admit that.

00:18:33.600 But I wanted to be a dancer.

00:18:35.780 You know, in my, in my 20s, I felt...

00:18:39.960 Dude, I, sometimes I got out of bed and my feet just felt so light.

00:18:44.840 My feet just felt light.

00:18:48.060 Like I could do it.

00:18:50.580 You know, and then I hurt my back, dude.

00:18:54.540 Painting a house and just dangerous, really painting it just in dangerous heat.

00:19:00.900 In over 100 degree heat.

00:19:02.480 Wrapped in, and I was wrapped in this visqueen suit because a bunch of bees were trying to get me.

00:19:07.200 And, uh, and I hurt my back.

00:19:09.220 And, you know, that ended kind of some of my dancing dreams.

00:19:12.980 But I still have other dreams, you know.

00:19:14.680 I still have other things that I want to get done.

00:19:16.740 But here I am 37, you know.

00:19:20.320 Here I am 37 and I'm looking forward.

00:19:22.580 I'm looking forward to this year.

00:19:24.800 And I'm looking forward to trying to put some safe pressure on myself so that I can get some things done, man.

00:19:31.080 So, anyhow, let's, uh, I want to get into some calls, man.

00:19:34.120 We got some great calls.

00:19:35.440 I appreciate everybody reaching out on the hotline.

00:19:37.720 And that number is 985-664-9503.

00:19:43.000 And I'm not offering advice here.

00:19:45.120 But I will try to offer basic life suggestions based on experiences that I've had.

00:19:50.360 Because I've been out there, man.

00:19:51.700 I've done the, I've been involved in some dirty things, you know.

00:19:55.540 And I've made love to some busted women out in the, in the existence, you know.

00:20:00.340 And I've, I've done the drugs and the, you know, and I've done some naughty things.

00:20:07.360 I'll tell you one time, one birthday I had that stands out.

00:20:11.100 I was with this man, David was his name.

00:20:14.980 And he had two different color eyes.

00:20:17.440 And I've always, I've always thought those people were trouble.

00:20:21.700 Honestly, when you see somebody and they got two different color eyes, it's not a, you know, the, it wasn't, they weren't fully designed.

00:20:29.840 I never thought.

00:20:31.280 And this boy, David, we were on this party bus kind of thing.

00:20:36.460 And it was like a tour bus.

00:20:38.440 And I was going to sleep.

00:20:40.200 And he liked to party, you know, and do drugs and do uppers.

00:20:44.220 And he said, hey man, let's go party.

00:20:46.380 It's about 1.30 in the morning.

00:20:48.500 I was like, man, I'm tired, man.

00:20:50.040 You know, I can't.

00:20:51.420 I'm tired.

00:20:52.700 And he goes, well, I'll go get us some drugs, you know.

00:20:54.960 And this is when I was doing drugs and enjoying drugs.

00:20:58.940 And, uh, and so I said, well, look, man, if you come back with drugs, I'll do them with you.

00:21:04.080 You know, trying to be supportive.

00:21:06.760 And then I fall asleep.

00:21:08.860 About 4.30 in the morning, this dude rolls back in.

00:21:12.120 And he's got some, uh, steroids on him.

00:21:15.820 Some Testosterona 400.

00:21:18.920 And that's a steroid, Mexican steroid.

00:21:21.120 Horse uppers.

00:21:22.640 Uppers for horses and equestrians.

00:21:25.300 And so he's like, let's party, dude.

00:21:28.200 I'm like, I'm not fucking doing steroids, dude.

00:21:32.220 First of all, they take about two weeks to get in your system.

00:21:35.340 So even if we hit a club right now, we're not going to feel the vibe from it, you know.

00:21:41.280 We're not going to feel the, but he had me, you know, shoot him in the ass with these drugs.

00:21:46.620 And, uh, and he kind of put on some athletic looking gear and went to like a late rave or something.

00:21:52.620 Or something that was popping off around 5 a.m.

00:21:55.660 So that was a birthday that I had.

00:21:57.380 That was a bit lonely.

00:21:59.500 All right, man.

00:22:00.480 Let's get into some of these calls, dude.

00:22:01.900 We got some amazing calls that came in.

00:22:03.980 Uh, I want to hear what's up.

00:22:05.580 We're about to hit this hotline right here.

00:22:07.700 All right, we got this call from Franklin, North Carolina.

00:22:12.860 Hey, bruh.

00:22:13.820 My girl has three really long, thick, bristly hairs growing out of her navel.

00:22:19.160 I plucked one while she was sleeping.

00:22:21.500 The root was really bulbous and girthy and smelled like bone broth.

00:22:26.380 Should I love her or leave her?

00:22:27.820 Wow, man.

00:22:30.620 Um, yeah, that's the hairy navel, dude.

00:22:33.200 I've, you know, I haven't dealt with that.

00:22:37.100 Uh, I've, I've definitely dated, I dated a girl with a very small head, uh, for a while.

00:22:42.740 And even, it was almost just like her neck had gotten real fancy at the top and had a mouth on it and stuff.

00:22:49.260 And, and I remember her head just felt like a, just like a, like an adventurous kind of melon.

00:22:57.580 It wasn't, it was, it was about a three-quarter head maybe of a regular head.

00:23:03.540 And that made me nervous, dude.

00:23:05.720 Um, I dated a girl that, she, her mouth smelled like meat around her mouth.

00:23:10.800 Smelled like different meat.

00:23:11.900 Um, like she was just, you know, just hiding carpaccio under her skin or something around her mouth.

00:23:20.940 Or doing, putting some kind of meats or something on her mouth at night.

00:23:25.640 And I know she wasn't.

00:23:26.620 I mean, that's crazy.

00:23:27.400 She wasn't, she didn't even eat beef jerky or do any of those, nothing like that.

00:23:32.140 But she had this very meat, this kind of barbecue-ish kind of feeling and scent around her lips.

00:23:40.020 That made me nervous.

00:23:41.900 I hooked up with this girl one time in South Carolina or North Carolina who's, her breasts

00:23:47.300 kind of felt like shit diapers a little bit.

00:23:50.720 Um, you know, like a baby, like if a baby has like a poop diaper, you can, you can mold the

00:23:55.080 diaper and it'll stay that way.

00:23:57.260 And her breasts were like that.

00:23:58.820 You could shape them and they would stay in whatever shape it, you kind of put them in.

00:24:04.320 Um, so that was very baffling.

00:24:07.940 But I never said a word, you know, uh, I never said a word.

00:24:11.900 Dude, because I've had things that I'm sure and do have things that I'm sure women don't

00:24:17.200 like about me.

00:24:18.100 You know, I've had hairy back, um, had hairy buttocks.

00:24:23.040 You know, sometimes I get it kind of tended to.

00:24:25.200 They got a Persian lady over here who really hates hair and she'll go at it for you for

00:24:30.340 about $50 and really attack it.

00:24:33.860 And, but I, uh, I, uh, you know, I used to be nervous, self-conscious that I had hair

00:24:41.480 kind of on my buttocks and back.

00:24:43.100 And I even remember I would walk out of the room backwards.

00:24:45.820 Like if I were leaving a bedroom, if I'd been making love with a lady and I'm walking

00:24:49.800 out of the room, I would walk backwards.

00:24:52.220 Like I'm fucking, like I'm that dude in, uh, in Silence of the Lambs, you know, you know,

00:24:58.860 but I would like walk backwards like I was Michael Jackson, you know, just like, I gotta

00:25:03.300 go to the bathroom, you know, just walk out of the room like that, dude.

00:25:07.400 Cause I was just, I didn't, maybe I was just self-conscious about that.

00:25:12.080 Um, I had a fever one time really bad and made love to a woman.

00:25:16.300 And I, I know to this day that she questions probably the heat that was coming out of my

00:25:21.580 body.

00:25:22.140 You know, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was beyond normal.

00:25:27.860 Just, I mean, it was like 103 degree fever I was fucking at, you know, and that's very intense

00:25:33.480 probably.

00:25:33.940 So I don't know what she thought.

00:25:34.960 Maybe that I had some type of a rabies or that I was just angry, just so angry, you

00:25:42.020 know, to be coming in that hot physically.

00:25:45.600 So I think you got to think about that, man.

00:25:47.520 Like how many hairs and weird body things do you have?

00:25:50.900 You know, I mean, not to scold you, but to let you know that dude, you probably have countless

00:25:57.380 deficiencies, countless, man.

00:26:00.240 We all do.

00:26:01.780 So you can't really hold your lady to that crazy regard.

00:26:04.800 I don't think, you know, I mean, maybe celebrate it, get her a barrette, you know, get her

00:26:10.080 a barrette up and just pop a beautiful barrette, like a nice church, little church brooch for

00:26:16.240 your hair and put it on the, on those hairs, you know, or gel them down, you know, make

00:26:23.000 a game about it, you know, floss your teeth with them, dude.

00:26:26.540 Celebrate it.

00:26:28.100 Maybe instead of, you know, trying to sneak them out of her body while she's resting.

00:26:32.900 And how hard does she even sleep if you're able to pull a hair out of her body?

00:26:36.260 I'd worry about more about, you know, some of her sleep patterns and about some of her

00:26:41.520 hair patterns.

00:26:42.240 And, uh, and just love her, man.

00:26:46.120 That's what I say, dude.

00:26:47.080 Cause here's the thing.

00:26:48.180 If you love her, love her for everything, bro.

00:26:50.300 If she has one leg or one lip or one, you know, or only one, one, one fucking hat or anything,

00:27:00.580 dude, love her.

00:27:01.460 You know, if you're going to love her, love her.

00:27:02.940 That's what I say.

00:27:03.640 If you say you're going to love somebody, then love them.

00:27:06.380 Otherwise, don't bullshit them up top, man.

00:27:08.440 But if you want to mail that hair in, dude, uh, email me and I'll show the hair to people

00:27:13.140 just to prove that you're out there doing that, sneaking hairs out of people's body in

00:27:16.820 the middle of the night, bro.

00:27:18.080 Damn, dog.

00:27:19.600 That's some Boo Radley shit right there, bro.

00:27:22.140 But I do appreciate, uh, you checking in.

00:27:24.520 And I say just embrace her, man.

00:27:26.840 You know, show her some, some bad hair you have and y'all just be fucking hair bears, dog.

00:27:32.300 You know, hair bear up.

00:27:34.480 Hair bear up.

00:27:36.620 All right, I got some, a couple of announcements to make.

00:27:38.840 I'm going to cut to a couple more calls, man.

00:27:40.460 Um, first of all, if you're watching on YouTube or iTunes, go ahead and subscribe.

00:27:45.240 You know, be a subscriber.

00:27:46.980 Uh, rate the podcast.

00:27:49.200 Give me some decent ratings because I'm trying to get enough listeners where I can have some

00:27:53.020 advertisers.

00:27:53.840 I mean, that's just the business side of that.

00:27:56.460 Um, I have some comedy dates coming up.

00:27:58.660 I feel very grateful to have, uh, to have the ability to be at, um, comedy on state this

00:28:04.620 weekend, March 23rd through 25th in Madison, Wisconsin.

00:28:08.720 And then I'm going to be at the punchline in Sacramento, April 21st through 23rd.

00:28:15.900 So I'm excited about that.

00:28:18.240 People have asked me about the shop, uh, TheoVaughn.com slash store.

00:28:22.320 We got some Got Hamps shirts in there.

00:28:25.460 Um, you can still get the album, 30 pound bag of hamster bones.

00:28:29.180 We were doing well on the charts.

00:28:30.460 We're still doing pretty good, but we could pick it up.

00:28:32.680 If you want to grab the album, um, talking about my boy that I grew up with, this boy named

00:28:37.800 Danny, who had some, he had this deficiency in his neck.

00:28:42.060 So I'll talk about that.

00:28:44.020 All right, let's take another call here.

00:28:47.260 And this is from Canada.

00:28:48.740 This is Monica.

00:28:50.780 Oh, hey Theo.

00:28:51.800 This is Monica.

00:28:52.820 I'm calling from Vancouver, Canada.

00:28:54.920 And I'm just wanting to get your male perspective on an issue I'm having.

00:29:00.460 So I'm about 27.

00:29:02.940 I've been dealing with depression and social anxiety probably for the last 10 years or so.

00:29:09.300 And last year was especially pretty rough.

00:29:12.100 Probably the last six or eight months, I've been really sad and just feeling lonely and

00:29:19.960 just like empty.

00:29:21.340 And on top of that, I gained a bunch of weight.

00:29:23.980 So you just feel so unattractive and you just want to hide away from everybody.

00:29:29.020 But at this point, I've come to the realization of being alone at this point isn't really good

00:29:35.860 for my psyche.

00:29:36.880 And I know that it's time for me to get out there and pick myself up again and get into

00:29:43.320 the dating world.

00:29:44.700 So I guess I'm just hoping you might have so many looking for some advice from you to,

00:29:50.700 you know, get some confidence back and get my shit together, hopefully.

00:29:56.300 So any thoughts you have would be greatly appreciated.

00:29:59.140 Wow.

00:30:01.360 Well, I mean, first, look, Monica, I'll tell you this.

00:30:05.740 You know, I love you.

00:30:06.700 I'll say that right out of the gate, you freaking little, you thick little muffin.

00:30:11.960 You know, if you're putting on a pound or two, you could just hug me.

00:30:16.500 I bet it feels good.

00:30:17.680 That's the good thing about if you do put on a little bit of weight, when you hug somebody,

00:30:22.440 you're really giving them more joy.

00:30:25.320 You know, you ever hug a bony person?

00:30:27.080 It's like, it's like holding on to a pillowcase full of deer antlers, you know, but you hug

00:30:34.600 a real meat, a real meat dog, you know, or a meaty or stronger, thicker, Rubenesque.

00:30:41.280 That's beautiful, you know.

00:30:43.080 So I want to say, first of all, that I love you, you know, and, and I feel you.

00:30:47.660 And it sounds like you got a, you're putting a lot on your plate, you know, I mean, you

00:30:51.460 want to feel better.

00:30:54.300 And then you don't want to be alone.

00:30:57.760 Oh, and I can sympathize with that.

00:31:00.260 Um, regarding the weight, I mean, you would be surprised how much getting in shape and

00:31:08.480 getting your blood going makes everything else better, specifically your mindset.

00:31:14.420 Like you get a little bit of activity, physical activity, your mind is going to, it's going

00:31:19.880 to start to get in shape as well.

00:31:21.820 And I would try to approach your weight loss, not with, I have to lose weight or I'm going

00:31:28.120 to lose weight, but with the idea or the mindset that I'm going to live a healthier lifestyle.

00:31:35.780 Then it's not just about the weight.

00:31:38.280 And I find that people who approach it that way, that I'm going to live a healthier lifestyle,

00:31:44.520 tend to lose weight and actually keep it off because then they're headed in an overall better

00:31:51.660 direction.

00:31:52.300 And this, uh, and this is going to sound kind of silly, but I promise that this works,

00:31:57.800 right?

00:31:58.340 When you see a food that you want, but you shouldn't have, don't say, I can't eat that.

00:32:06.420 I would say, I don't eat that.

00:32:10.240 That way you are taking ownership.

00:32:14.340 You're taking control as opposed to letting the food take the control.

00:32:18.360 If that makes any sense, you know, I don't eat that.

00:32:22.120 That's way fricking, then you're like a thug.

00:32:25.380 You're a thug out there.

00:32:26.840 Whereas if you say, I can't eat that, then you are in this kind of, uh, you're being attacked

00:32:33.920 kind of by the food.

00:32:35.460 So I don't eat that.

00:32:37.780 It just, it's a lot more power for you.

00:32:40.200 And I feel like that that will just empower you overall.

00:32:43.400 And I think those are some simple things you can do to, to start moving like a physically

00:32:48.280 healthier direction.

00:32:49.520 And in terms of like social anxiety, I, I can a hundred percent relate.

00:32:55.300 I mean, I spent honestly about five years of my life sleeping, uh, in Santa Monica.

00:33:02.180 Just, I was depressed and I was, I would get uncomfortable being in social circles and I

00:33:07.960 would lay in my bed and I would just sleep and I would eat peanut butter and jellies during

00:33:12.840 the daytime and I would hope for the best, but not, but not act for the best.

00:33:18.960 And, uh, and I thought that one day I would just wake up or, or from some nap, I would

00:33:25.480 just wake up and suddenly the world would be better or I would feel better.

00:33:29.740 But that never happened.

00:33:31.340 I mean, all I really did was push my problems like five years down the road.

00:33:34.900 And there's, and there's no magic way to make yourself feel comfortable, you know, like

00:33:41.300 in a social setting.

00:33:42.880 I mean, I think one thing that does help is just trying to make each time you're in a social

00:33:47.900 setting a little bit better than the last time by making more effort, you know, introduce

00:33:55.400 yourself to people.

00:33:56.940 I think that's the best thing.

00:33:58.280 Just, Hey, I'm Theo.

00:33:59.700 Hey, I'm Monica.

00:34:00.460 Like, cause immediately you're taking kind of, you're taking, again, you're taking ownership.

00:34:04.860 You're taking control of the situation.

00:34:06.940 And even if they don't respond well, at least then that's them being antisocial.

00:34:12.540 That's not you being antisocial.

00:34:14.740 And also try to find areas.

00:34:17.300 Maybe you could be looking in the wrong circles.

00:34:19.700 Like, dude, I went to nightclubs for years, bruh.

00:34:23.480 And it was a bunch of Persian people in there.

00:34:25.560 Usually adult men are very tan, like men that had been in the gymnasium and look like their

00:34:31.920 muscles were just trying to climb out of their shirt and leave them because their muscles

00:34:36.140 didn't even like them.

00:34:37.820 Like their muscles just wanted to get divorced from their skeletons and just, just be done

00:34:42.580 with them, you know, and veins blowing up out of their chest and neck.

00:34:46.800 And, and then a lot of Persian men wearing a cologne, heavy cologne.

00:34:52.560 And, and I would be there and I would feel like something was wrong with me, you know,

00:34:57.680 but really everybody in the club or 90% of the people were miserable.

00:35:01.980 They were just trying to look like they were having a good time.

00:35:05.780 And one of my problems was I was going to clubs.

00:35:08.360 I was looking repeatedly in the same place for social acceptance and a place that really

00:35:13.920 I never did like, I never did like clubs, man.

00:35:16.880 I like more of like being around a fire.

00:35:19.340 Um, fuck, I even scrapbooked, bruh.

00:35:22.080 I fucking scrapbooked, dude.

00:35:23.520 I, so, you know, I'm not saying I'm going to join some scrapbookers club with a lot of

00:35:27.000 ladies and stuff, but, but I needed to find other areas, uh, to get social in.

00:35:32.300 And once I started doing that, you know, I would just hang out at a comedy club.

00:35:35.980 Those people, it's a, it's just a different vibe.

00:35:37.880 Um, you know, there's no great way to do it, but you got to make an effort.

00:35:43.940 And whether that's the next time I go to a party, I'm going to introduce myself to two

00:35:47.120 people or I'm a pet animal.

00:35:49.520 You could even start off at a petting zoo.

00:35:51.560 You could start off at a petting zoo and get out there or meet children, go to a place where

00:35:57.280 a lot of children are.

00:35:58.840 You know, if you don't, if you know, you don't have any issues with children and meet

00:36:02.660 children because they're going to be accepting.

00:36:05.560 They'll be cool and then just use some of those same skills you learn with children

00:36:09.340 or even with animals, uh, with adults.

00:36:13.140 And also like give yourself permission to be uncomfortable.

00:36:16.600 You don't have to be comfortable.

00:36:18.820 That's another myth.

00:36:20.520 We're not always comfortable, bro.

00:36:22.880 So give yourself permission to not be comfortable.

00:36:27.260 Oh, I'm uncomfortable.

00:36:28.700 Okay.

00:36:29.600 Instead of like, Oh fuck, I'm uncomfortable.

00:36:32.000 You know, Oh God.

00:36:33.500 Oh, I'm so uncomfortable.

00:36:34.340 Mom, this shirt, it doesn't feel these shoes.

00:36:36.440 They don't match this, this.

00:36:37.960 Otherwise it's like, Oh fuck, I'm uncomfortable.

00:36:40.080 I don't know why.

00:36:41.600 Don't pin the tail on your own donkey.

00:36:43.300 If you don't know why you're uncomfortable.

00:36:45.560 I used to do that.

00:36:46.420 Oh, I'm uncomfortable.

00:36:47.440 Bah, bah, bah, bah.

00:36:50.620 But I'll say this.

00:36:51.660 I, uh, I heard a quote once that insecurity is the belief that this is only happening to

00:36:58.940 us.

00:37:00.820 You know, there's, there's so few feelings in so many people that there's a lot of people

00:37:07.380 who are having the same feelings you are.

00:37:09.100 So, you gotta, you gotta voice them.

00:37:12.300 You gotta share them.

00:37:13.700 Find somebody else that looks awkward as fuck.

00:37:16.520 And boom.

00:37:17.420 That's your first friend.

00:37:18.920 If you feel awkward, find somebody else that's awkward.

00:37:21.960 They're easy to pick out.

00:37:23.780 And then bam.

00:37:25.180 Now y'all have dual awkwardness.

00:37:28.140 Two awkwardness.

00:37:29.880 You know what they say.

00:37:30.820 Two awkwardness make a comfort.

00:37:33.220 So, I think that that could help.

00:37:35.020 I hope some of that shit helps, you know.

00:37:37.140 Be at the library.

00:37:38.280 Even though they have a lot of deviant homeless at the library.

00:37:40.760 And a lot of them are, I mean this, I had some insane experiences when I first got to

00:37:46.640 LA.

00:37:46.980 A lot of homeless, and they do masturbation too at the library.

00:37:50.500 You know that.

00:37:54.060 And Monica, I just want to say I love you.

00:37:55.740 You know, I hope you feel better.

00:37:57.180 You know, you're probably a good woman.

00:38:01.140 You probably are.

00:38:02.480 And if you care enough about yourself to reach out to other people, that's a great start.

00:38:08.800 So, you're already doing way better than I was.

00:38:11.300 Those years I was just lying in my bed just eating peanut butter and jellies and, oh, caught

00:38:17.040 up in the throes of pornography and just in the dark, in the dark, in the darkness.

00:38:21.580 So, I'm proud of you there.

00:38:22.820 You got this.

00:38:23.760 Just G up a little.

00:38:24.720 Drink a Red Bull.

00:38:26.360 G up.

00:38:27.580 You know, even something as little as getting yourself a new pair of sneakers or something

00:38:30.360 like that can kind of, it can just excite you.

00:38:33.400 Some small motivation.

00:38:35.520 And don't do it all in one day.

00:38:37.220 You don't have to change today.

00:38:39.160 You just have to progress today.

00:38:42.560 So, progress, not perfection.

00:38:44.140 You know, that's kind of what I'm aiming at overall.

00:38:45.920 All right.

00:38:47.240 We got one more call here from Santa Clarita, California, Spanish town.

00:38:51.380 Hey, Theo.

00:38:52.300 I got a question for you.

00:38:55.120 A little bit of a situation I'm in.

00:38:58.100 My girlfriend, she works at a gym, okay?

00:39:01.480 She's a personal trainer.

00:39:02.800 When she first got hired on, I kind of had an issue with her becoming that, being a personal

00:39:09.000 trainer, being that she's extremely attractive.

00:39:13.160 Um, so I knew guys would hit on her.

00:39:16.800 Um, but anyways, I went forth with it and I let her know, you know, do your thing.

00:39:23.560 And she ended up becoming a personal trainer and so far, everything has been kosher up

00:39:29.580 until today, actually, where actually she texts me and she told me, by the way, I was

00:39:35.980 at work today and the GM of the gym ends up letting her know like, hey, how'd you get

00:39:45.180 such a nice ass?

00:39:47.080 Which in my mind is fucking ridiculous.

00:39:51.400 That's just offensive.

00:39:52.580 You're the GM, you're the general manager of the gym.

00:39:56.240 You don't ask a question like that to your employee.

00:39:59.500 And from what I know, this is a, uh, the GM is a, is a generally attractive guy in his

00:40:07.700 younger years.

00:40:09.220 And I just was like, she told me this, which I appreciate it.

00:40:14.080 But my question is, I guess is how would you react to that situation?

00:40:19.800 I mean, you find out this guy's kind of creeping on your girl like that.

00:40:24.140 And I don't even know if it's creeping.

00:40:25.900 I don't know if I should be mad about that.

00:40:29.120 Jealous.

00:40:29.520 What should I be, I guess?

00:40:32.320 I don't know.

00:40:32.920 At first I was mad, but that's the question, man.

00:40:36.760 I'm just wondering what you think of it.

00:40:38.800 Okay.

00:40:39.560 Let me know.

00:40:40.220 Awesome, dude.

00:40:42.440 Well, look, uh, thanks for calling in with that, bro.

00:40:45.600 You got some issues there.

00:40:46.840 Your lady's at the gym.

00:40:48.540 Um, the owner of the gym is hitting on her, you know, trying to freaking, you know, attack

00:40:54.740 that gun from the inside.

00:40:56.400 You feel me?

00:40:57.460 And I respect that.

00:40:58.780 I mean, that's nature.

00:40:59.960 You know, he's just being a part of nature.

00:41:02.340 It sounds like he's being inappropriate.

00:41:05.400 Um, but dude, do you really want a girlfriend that's, that other dudes aren't hitting on?

00:41:12.540 You know?

00:41:13.400 I mean, maybe you do, but I don't think you do.

00:41:16.900 You know, like that's one of the consequences.

00:41:19.180 If you're dating a chick that's hot or a chick that works at the gym, bro, any gym, it could

00:41:24.940 just be a, like a single barbell in a basement somewhere in a cavern and men will wander in

00:41:31.600 there and hit on her.

00:41:33.100 If she says she's a personal trainer, there's something sexy about that, you know, about

00:41:37.720 the woman that works at the gym and trying to, you know, be sensual with her.

00:41:42.220 So that's going to happen.

00:41:43.460 So I think you kind of want that.

00:41:45.220 I mean, you want your girl to be attractive.

00:41:47.360 You want other men to, to want her.

00:41:50.120 I mean, I'll be honest, bro.

00:41:51.140 Right when you even mentioned your girl that he thought she had a nice ass, I wanted to

00:41:55.760 see your girl's ass, bro, you know, and I'm not saying I'm proud of that thought, but

00:42:01.060 I wanted to see your girl's ass, dude.

00:42:03.580 And I wanted to see that ass.

00:42:05.280 I wanted to, I was thinking about it.

00:42:07.700 I was thinking about it, man.

00:42:08.780 I was picturing, you know, just the, whatever her ass looked like, the beautiful little

00:42:13.200 globes and the little, just being dirty, bro.

00:42:17.340 I thought about being dirty.

00:42:18.320 So that's the problem with us, man.

00:42:22.400 There's like, we got the sin inside of us.

00:42:25.080 We got the innermost layer of just dirt ball.

00:42:28.180 It's just that dirt ball.

00:42:29.980 It's almost like we have an extra layer of skin on us and it's just, it's just a bunch

00:42:33.440 of dirt ball cellophane, you know, because we want to be nasty as men, man.

00:42:38.820 You know, I mean, look, I dated a hot chick one time.

00:42:41.560 You know what she did, bro?

00:42:42.720 Well, she fucking cheated on me, dude.

00:42:46.240 So that's what you get, bro.

00:42:48.640 It can happen.

00:42:49.940 It's one of the risks you get.

00:42:51.240 That's why the old school move date a busted chick and pretend she's hot.

00:42:58.080 That way, if you pretend well enough, you think she's hot.

00:43:01.660 She thinks she's hot.

00:43:03.560 And everybody wins pretty much, you know?

00:43:06.660 I mean, that's one, that's one school of thought.

00:43:10.560 And on another level, I would worry less about how you feel about the situation and think

00:43:17.080 about how she feels.

00:43:18.620 I mean, she's getting lurked on by this, as you said, an aging GM who looked better in

00:43:23.980 the past.

00:43:26.140 You know, she has way creepy situation for her to be in.

00:43:31.000 So you should, I would just, I would keep your concern right there, you know, just as to

00:43:35.640 how she feels.

00:43:36.820 If she's handling it and she's confident, then you got to show up with that confidence

00:43:41.020 and be supportive right next to her, dude.

00:43:43.280 You can't be getting too insecure.

00:43:45.520 Because women just, it's not in their nature to want to be with an insecure man.

00:43:50.920 It's not in their nature, bro.

00:43:52.600 Not in their nature.

00:43:53.680 If you put an insecure man, or even an insecure baby, I bet, out in a field, and you put a woman

00:44:01.580 out there who has breast milk in her, and that baby's insecure, he's like, I bet you three

00:44:10.460 out of ten women wouldn't breastfeed that baby.

00:44:14.120 But you put a tough ass baby out there, a little Italian baby, a German baby, you know,

00:44:20.460 then women are going to want, they're going to want that because they're going to feel

00:44:23.200 that security that, oh, that baby knows what he's doing.

00:44:25.700 That baby's combing his hair, you know, that baby's wearing a gold chain, that baby, I'll

00:44:31.820 breastfeed that baby.

00:44:34.540 Yeah, because if you're insecure about other men being interested in her, then that's going

00:44:42.060 to make her question whether or not you believe in yourself.

00:44:46.760 And if she starts questioning that, then immediately she's going to start questioning whether or not

00:44:52.840 she believes in you, and I think that's just nature, you know, that's just the, that's the

00:44:59.040 insecurity food chain, you know, so you want to be secure.

00:45:03.600 That's the, that's the place you want to come from.

00:45:06.660 Confidence, see if she's all right, you know, because she's the one who's got to take that

00:45:10.720 ass to the gym and do all the work.

00:45:12.020 I don't even know if you have a job, bro.

00:45:14.040 You didn't mention you're employed.

00:45:15.980 So I don't know really what you're up to.

00:45:18.500 I mean, I'm supportive of you if you don't have a job, but I'd probably, I'd love for you

00:45:22.400 to be working.

00:45:23.780 But yeah, man, I mean, I mean, it's really unwise to ask somebody to be more secure in

00:45:32.340 you than you are.

00:45:34.640 And then I'd let him know.

00:45:36.420 I'd let that dude know.

00:45:38.340 You know, I would let him know in like a weird kind of trill, thug, maybe homoerotic way,

00:45:45.580 dude, I would, here's what I would do.

00:45:47.060 I would send that dude a letter, the GM dude, and just an anonymous letter, doesn't know it's

00:45:52.280 from you, doesn't know what woman it's regarding.

00:45:54.880 And I would say, if you keep hitting on my woman, I'm going to track you down and fuck

00:45:59.660 you, bruh.

00:46:00.780 That's what I would say.

00:46:02.240 And I would underline fuck, and I would underline bruh.

00:46:07.840 That way he's going to know you're a little askew.

00:46:10.300 And then I would hashtag let's fuck.

00:46:13.840 That's what I would do.

00:46:14.820 So that way, he's like, wait, you don't want me hitting on your girl, or you're going to

00:46:19.940 fuck me.

00:46:20.680 And then you're saying, let's fuck anyway.

00:46:22.500 Now this dude is going to be, first of all, that makes you seem way secure.

00:46:27.100 You know, you're so secure in your lady, you'll bang this fucking dude.

00:46:31.220 Dude, that's secure to me, man.

00:46:36.440 And second of all, it lets that dude know shit, you know.

00:46:41.080 If he doesn't want to end up copulating with a man, then he needs to watch what he's doing.

00:46:49.540 And he could be doing that to other women, so that could really stop a lot of his behaviors,

00:46:54.320 man.

00:46:54.480 So that's kind of a beautiful idea.

00:46:55.940 But those are just some suggestions that I have.

00:47:00.440 What else, guys?

00:47:01.700 I think that's kind of it, maybe, for today, man.

00:47:04.440 It's getting late.

00:47:05.840 Where are we at?

00:47:06.740 It's getting late, bruh.

00:47:10.720 And then actually, I got one more thing.

00:47:12.840 My mother sent me a card.

00:47:15.480 So I'm going to check this card out.

00:47:23.440 It says, happy birthday.

00:47:24.740 Wishing you a wildly wonderful year.

00:47:28.860 I hope 2017, your 37th year, will bring you happiness and self-satisfaction.

00:47:34.860 I love you, Theo, your mom.

00:47:37.860 Really nice of her to send me that beautiful card right there.

00:47:42.560 My mother doesn't have much, but, you know, she doesn't give up.

00:47:48.380 You know, she wasn't equipped with a lot of, sometimes I don't think, all the emotions that I wanted her to have as a mother when I was young.

00:47:57.580 But she never stops working to try and show me that she cares.

00:48:08.860 Even if she can't, and not because it's her own fault, but even if she can't, always make me feel like she cares.

00:48:17.540 And I think that that's pretty remarkable to not give up, man.

00:48:23.020 Hard-working woman out of Illinois.

00:48:26.100 You know, and I admire a hard-working woman, man.

00:48:29.080 And, but yeah, my mother and I had some, you know, just weird stuff growing up, you know.

00:48:33.880 We just, I just never felt, just didn't feel her care sometimes, you know.

00:48:40.900 Just got stuck in this care void.

00:48:42.700 But, but she never has stopped, ever, trying to let me know that she does care.

00:48:53.860 And that's pretty remarkable.

00:48:55.360 It's the best we can do sometimes as people, man.

00:48:58.760 I'm not, I don't know, I'll take us out with some music.

00:49:00.760 Let me find a good song.

00:49:01.820 I appreciate you guys being here with me for my birthday.

00:49:05.500 I know I'm a little tired.

00:49:06.800 Maybe Sunday night isn't the night to do this.

00:49:08.600 I don't know.

00:49:09.720 You know, I don't know.

00:49:10.540 But, but thank you also for supporting the album, 30 Pound Bag of Hamster Bones.

00:49:16.260 It's on iTunes.

00:49:18.380 We got a new album that's going to come out soon.

00:49:20.820 The material from the Netflix special will be released on iTunes as well at a fair price.

00:49:27.120 I'm about fair price things and that sort of thing, you know.

00:49:32.520 I'm not out here trying to make a buck, you know.

00:49:35.200 But, but I'm trying to, I'm trying to make something of myself, you know.

00:49:39.960 I'm trying to make something of my 37th year.

00:49:42.760 You know, it's going to be wild, dude.

00:49:47.180 Here's I'll Be Home for Christmas.

00:49:51.560 I will be home for Christmas.

00:49:59.480 God, they're good all year round.

00:50:02.400 It is March.

00:50:03.440 It's still good.

00:50:04.200 You can learn always.

00:50:13.200 That's some of that deep voice.

00:50:14.680 That's somebody's stepdaddy right there.

00:50:16.360 That's mustache.

00:50:18.360 I think I've got a big dong and a mustache.

00:50:20.900 Oh, man, I met Charlie Sheen, too.

00:50:24.780 I'll tell you about it next week.

00:50:25.860 I forgot about that.

00:50:37.780 Merry Christmas, everybody.

00:50:47.300 Merry Christmas, man.

00:50:52.120 See you guys.

00:50:54.720 See you guys under the, uh, under the mistletoe, huh?

00:50:57.940 Good luck out there, Monica.

00:50:59.180 Keep your head up, huh, boo?

00:51:01.080 All right, boo, boo.

00:51:02.060 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll

00:51:10.020 be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to

00:51:14.700 pleasure your partner.

00:51:16.260 The answer may shock you.

00:51:17.980 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

00:51:20.060 Sometimes I won't.

00:51:21.580 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

00:51:24.660 You have three new voice messages.

00:51:27.640 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

00:51:30.300 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.

00:51:34.920 So great.

00:51:36.260 Aye, sweetheart.

00:51:37.920 Easy deal.

00:51:39.200 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.

00:51:43.160 Jermaine.

00:51:44.140 Ho, ho.

00:51:45.220 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

00:51:48.240 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

00:51:50.340 Oh, ho, ho.

00:51:51.580 No.

00:51:51.880 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

00:51:54.880 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

00:51:59.200 Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

00:52:03.440 Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts, or watch us on YouTube,

00:52:08.580 yeah?

00:52:09.220 And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - March 20, 2017

3 - 19 - 17 ｜ This Past Weekend #14

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