4-10-17 This Past Weekend #17
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 3 minutes
Words per Minute
176.89615
Summary
The first time i got electrocuted and the first time I got on a ride. I m talking about the time I was on a rollercoaster ride and I get shocked by the power of electricity.
Transcript
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what's up you little crispy dick armadillos huh how you guys feeling today man it's monday
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are you ready what you've been doing you've been smelling your own breath huh you've been
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smelling your cousin's breath you ever done that dude get close by your cousin mouth and
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that's air incest bro you ever thought about that you ever thought about that
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that's that smells so naughty should we tell uncle should we tell uncle you guys ready you
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guys ready for this past weekend man i'm ready dude i got electrocuted bro let's get into it
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welcome to this past weekend this past weekend what's up how are you guys doing how are you
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ladies doing uh thank you guys for joining me it is monday april 10th and um and i'm feeling
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gratitude right now man um i got electrocuted i'm just gonna start there i got electrocuted
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and i don't know if you've ever been down this road with electricity uh but it's it's a violent force
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man i mean it's like i mean it's like like poseidon just kind of just finger banged your butt
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you know that's how i felt uh i'm gonna tell you guys what happened i um i hadn't been electrocuted
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in a long time i hadn't been electrocuted in a long time and you forget what it's like you forget
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the power of it i was um well first i'll tell you about the first time i got electrocuted
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i was young i was young i was a boy and i was a young boy and i was i grew up near a fairground
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and a fairground is a place where the fair comes and they have animals there when the fair isn't
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there and people show animals and stuff like that 4h people um and it was a big field and once a year
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uh the fair would come and it was not far from our um our home where we lived at so me and uh some of
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the other boys from the neighborhood uh my friend clark uh would go over there and before the fair
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would open up for the public they had a day where they would let us ride the rides and they charged
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just maybe a quarter i think or 50 cents and to get in and you could ride as much as you want as the
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rides were being put up and functioning and in hindsight i think they were kind of just experimenting
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with us but we didn't see that uh we just saw it as a deal because to get a regular wristband for the
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big fair day it was about eight dollars and um and we didn't usually have that money so we would go the
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day prior and we get out there and they had a lot of you know miscreants and um ne'er-do-wells out there
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and you know men that were running from the law and women that kind of looked like lesbians that but
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that probably weren't lesbians um non-practicing lesbians maybe and uh and we'd get on the rides
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and i got on a ride and my buddy clark was this kind of odd boy he'd had some issues um his
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he hated sound he hated sounds um he hated all just sounds man so he would often you know wear
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something extra on his head to kind of keep the sound out of him he just you know i don't and i
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don't know why he like he was like that um you know everybody's got their thing and he just
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wasn't keen with sounds and you know he'd like to he was more you whispered around him he was just a
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gentle he was gentle when it came to the airwaves and uh and so he'd often have an extra hat on or
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you know some couple of muffs on his ears or um he'd have his head kind of wrapped up in something
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you know wrap an extra cloth or something around his head uh to keep things quiet around him
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but we get on to the rides and and it was pretty good you know i mean some of them it was the first run
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um you know some of the cages would have you know birds would have nested in in some of the
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different pivots and joints of the rides like the zipper and the tilt to whirl um the gravitron
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i remember the gravitron as well i'll tell you a story about that in a second but
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so i was getting off of something i think it might have been the tilt to whirl
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and it was one of those rides where when you get off the back you know there's you can hear a
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generator kind of really just rumbling you can hear a generator really rumbling and and i'm getting
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off and i i was holding on to the rail and then i held another rail and at that point i completed some
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type of a circuit you know some some some sort of loose energy that wasn't being used by the ride
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and it started using me and i remember just like my neck got real straight and everything i knew just
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felt alert and i remember this man was like a tall black man um and everybody was tall to me because i
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was a child but he could have been a basic heighted basic heighted black man he was like you got to get
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off the ride boy and i was like i can't let go you know and he thought that i was um you know uh
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uh take an issue with him or that i was um you know just being kind of a a just a little cunt you know
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and so he put his foot on my back and basically just kicked me off the ride not kicked me pushed me
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with his foot and there is a difference you know some people are always saying they get kicked but
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sometimes you just get pushed with somebody's foot and thank god he did dude because it was
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kind of rude of him but thank god he did because i don't think that i would have survived um
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but that was i hadn't been electrocuted since then since we'd been out there you know experiment
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on these rides the gravitron i remember they had a man in there who looked like slash from guns
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and roses and when the when the uh that was the one where you went in and you laid against the wall
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and then it spun you know like you were in the dryer and and it spun and the whole your the board you
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were leaning against would go just start to just levitate against the wall um you know like you were
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really just on the last cycle of uh of you know of a load of laundry and um and at that point
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you couldn't move hardly you couldn't move your neck or anything you just had to really look just
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straight forward and they had a dj in the middle a rock and roll man and he'd be in there playing
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rock and roll and i remember this guy was had you know had a bit of the pervert in him
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and he would uh he would kind of show his wiener while we were spinning and it was and it was weird
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because you didn't i remember we never discussed it because you were always or i personally felt like
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i was always unsure if i was just spinning so fast that i was that i was like seeing wieners or
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something that i was seeing you know uh adult body pieces and and um but now as i've gotten older i
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know what happened that man was showing was showing out and that wasn't right of him to do that i think
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he was just being like a party guy you know but that was the gravitron because you couldn't move you
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couldn't look and see if everybody else was seeing the same thing so you didn't know if if everybody saw
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it and people i guess were maybe scared to talk about it um and then clark you didn't discuss
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things with him that much because he liked to be silent you know he liked to just be kind of by
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himself uh but anyhow that was the first time i got electrocuted when i was young and and then um
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until now uh i'm okay i want to say that i had a lot of well wishes people reaching out
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you know checking in on me somebody asked how many volts it was um and i'm gonna answer that
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i don't know bro you know like i don't know if that's what you at like i'm not i'm not like a
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tachometer or whatever i don't know i'm not trying to set a fucking record dude i got electrocuted
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by electricity and i'll tell you what happened i had a comedy set on melrose avenue in uh in west
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hollywood and afterwards i was walking a few blocks and they had a food truck
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and i don't like food trucks man you know it's all you know for people out everybody in la and
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all these cities are like oh food trucks food trucks but then they'll like you know but then
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they'll make fun of people who were picking up animals on the side of the road you know like the
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area where i'm from and they're like those people are fucked up you know like some hillbilly
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grilling something in the back of his truck you know but you're eating out of a fucking truck dude
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you know like i've never eaten sushi out of a truck you know like some kind of damn creep
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you know like some kind of just damn fucking calorie lurker you know so i don't like food trucks
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because i don't i don't like to eat when somebody's cooking something right next to the
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gasoline i mean the gasoline in a truck is eight feet from the fucking griddle you know like i don't
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eat around that shit so anyway i've i've had a personal issue i guess and um and i'm sorry if i'm a
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little fired up dude i mean i didn't i didn't expect this and it's just been a long uh it's been a long
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few days so anyhow i saw this food truck they were uh selling lobster lobster rolls which i don't give
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a fuck about those either dude to be honest and so i you know though i was being myself and i they're
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they're selling lobster rolls and i thought they were out of jurisdiction you know i didn't know that
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food trucks were allowed to operate on this certain avenue out here in west hollywood
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so you know being a nosy sob i wander over uh because i'm thinking that these people need to
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know my point of view you know like oh you guys are selling crab or you know seafood out of you know
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out of a proper jurisdiction really and in hindsight that was my fault i should have minded my own
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business uh and kind of around the back of the food truck they had this you ever seen like one of
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those electric things on the wall like just something an outlet they had a huge one of those
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on the ground and i just kind of wasn't paying attention and um like a huge one like like i don't
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know if you've ever seen a um like i think there's a movie maybe it could be home alone where the boy is
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dancing on a one of those pianos that's on the floor like with the big keys they have it at fao
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schwartz they have it at a fancy toy store in new york city where you can step on the keys and make
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the sounds you know and they're like three thousand dollars rich kids have them i guess
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and it was like that man it was that big it was that big of a of an outlet you know just a big outlet
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and i and had a bunch of cables coming out of it and i stepped on it and i i thought it felt
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a me like i was i kind of got straight and then i just got literally crumpled to the ground almost
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like if you've ever seen like one of those videos where they pour some type of liquid over a coke can
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or something and it just crumbles uh that was me man i was like kind of crumbling but one of my legs
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was staying kind of straight and um and i was scared dude it felt like the devil was just
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grabbing me down you know and i didn't know what was going on um and i realized that i was in
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unsafe territory and thank god it just didn't last for too long you know it's probably two or three
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seconds uh which you don't think is long you know i mean if you're a bull rider you know they're
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supposed to stay on for eight seconds that's so you know me riding an outlet for three seconds
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isn't a big deal but when you are unexpected unexpectedly start surfing electricity basically
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riding the lightning it's uh it's real man it gets real pretty fast and so so i was scared dude i
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didn't know if i was gonna i didn't know if i was gonna die for a second you know for one of those
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seconds i probably thought that i was gonna die um uh anyhow i went home um the next day i went to
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the doctor and i went into the doctor's office and this things got even worse in there i went into the
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doctor's office and he kind of like pushed on my ribs from the front and back and made me like turn
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to the left and right because there was this sharp pain in my ribs and uh and they ended up figuring
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out that there's a muscle in there that got damaged or it's called an intercoastal muscle
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and i don't know if maybe the electricity kind of you know all met up right there in my body
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but uh but it hurt man and this guy was like squeezing on it made it hurt even more
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i lost my breath i thought i was gonna die in the office i thought i was gonna die he pushed on
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it and i couldn't breathe and he's like what's wrong and i'm like i can't breathe and he's like
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well what what what what happened and i'm like he had just done this to me i had been able to breathe
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when i was in there before and i'm like i i feel like you know like i'm gonna be killed you know
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um and so he's like just take the smallest breaths you can anyhow fast forward i uh i slowly breathe
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myself back to neutral um they laid me down for a while uh they gave me a tordol shot in my butt
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to get uh some of the muscles to relax and for a little bit of relief and then the dude says uh don't
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i suggest you don't sleep alone you know and i'm not sleeping with anybody right now you know i'm
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bedding up by myself i don't even have a cat or anything so i'm thinking well now i gotta find some
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fucking muppet uh to bed up with me you know like i i don't want and then i'm torn because it's like
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well what if i get some type of fucking you know some straight up fucking you know just animal
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some female you know just just some girl that's out in the grind squad i don't want some last minute
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chick laying up in my bed because then what if i what if i die what if i die in my sleep
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then everybody's like well he's fucking sleeping with this chick um and maybe that's a silly thought
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i just my brain started racing and i got very scared um so anyhow i've been i've been recovering
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from electricity man the dude's like find somebody to sleep with and uh i just braved it out and slept
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alone and here i am man i got electrocuted but i'm still alive and i'm living to tell about it
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and uh and i'm happy you guys are here for this past weekend the news let's get into the news um
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oh also i know i was going to i was going to do a video where i answered more questions uh this past
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week um and once i got electrocuted that went out the window so you because you there's just things
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you can't do man i mean i've been it's been hard to move this part of my body there's a lot of pain
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right here in my ribs i've been jacked up you know i've been what i would definitely refer to as jacked up
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so i'm just happy to be alive i'm feeling a lot of gratitude um and here we are thank you guys for
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joining me uh thank you guys for all the support this is on itunes if it's uh monday morning um
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later in the day it should come up on youtube if you want to get onto the youtube um you can check
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it out there we also do a this past follow-up uh where we'll check in with somebody who called in for
00:17:15.680
uh suggestions and we'll put those calls uh smaller segments onto the youtube as well i didn't have any
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music to kick off the episode this week because uh some people can't apparently can't get the
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the youtube in certain countries if there's copywritten music in it so i'm trying to figure
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that out uh we'll get past that hurdle i'm doing the best that i can and thank you guys for bearing
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with me uh the news um syria bombing i saw that dude sent a couple of missiles over to syria uh
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and what one thing that i felt was some nostalgia because it's been a long time since america had
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like uh since america like bombed something you know that we heard about in the news really
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at a like at a large scale like that and it reminded me of growing up it reminded me of like in the um
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you know in the 80s 90s 2000s even early 2000s when that was just an everyday practice you would
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hear about it all the time during the gulf war um you know you were constantly hearing about bombing
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so it wasn't a big deal uh but it had been a long time and so that really kind of made me feel a little
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bit of nostalgia i don't know if some of you guys felt that or not uh i thought there was an
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interesting video online um on cnn where they'd found a guy in syria who was uh grateful uh for
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the bombing uh or for just the show of force um just because there had been a lot of atrocities
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happening over there and he felt like uh nobody had been helping those people and so he was very
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grateful to uh the administration and to um the u.s military uh and i thought that was interesting
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because you don't see a lot of that from the news these days um what else uh sergio garcia
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sergio garcia won the masters uh i thought that was pretty awesome i watched the last round
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beautiful course man i went to the masters once a long time ago and one thing i remember they had
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ice cream sandwiches there for only one dollar and fifty cents and that's a beautiful price if you're
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at a sporting event to get something um for that price and i felt like that was great and i just
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remember i wasn't a huge golf fan uh i think this guy mike weir won it the year i went or billy weir
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billy he might have been a british man um but but i remember those dollar fifty ice cream sandwiches
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had about nine of those and i saw the hottest chick i've ever saw some lady named debbie fall in the mud
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and because it was a rainy time and it's a lot of the women are wearing high heels and just kind
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of giraffing about you know like just like long animals and and this bitch hit the mud and that
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made me feel it made it made me feel pretty good to be honest with you dude to see you know debbie
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when debbie goes down that shit made me feel pretty damn good reminded me in uh in high school i remember
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one time i hit uh i'll be honest dude i hit a hot chick with my car um and i don't know sometimes
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in hindsight if i did it on purpose or if i could have not hit her but but it there was something in
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it felt pretty pretty damn good dude to uh to just equal the playing field um that i felt at the time
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maybe i felt low of myself and it just you know to see a pretty hot chick you know take a ford
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escort to the to the femur whatever that is to the hip that shit i've really kind of warmed me a little
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at that time so but i do also want to apologize to that young lady i think we're out of the jurisdiction
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of time where there can be a lawsuit uh but at the very least i should come to terms i might have to make
00:21:16.000
a um an amends there what else dude uh but i thought it was cool i thought it was beautiful
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i always wanted to take my stepdad um i got emancipated when i was about 14 because my mother
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and i were not on uh level terms and uh and they had a family that took me in and the dad always loved
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golf and most of my life i've always wanted to take him to the masters uh and i'd still love to
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be able to do that to afford to be able to afford to do that one day um i hope i can get to do that
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it's one of those things that kind of plagues me where i you know it's something you want to do but
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you don't you never get around to it sometimes i worry that i'm not going to get around to it but
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hopefully i will what else man let's see what else is happening um i haven't been watching the
00:22:09.540
actual news very much dude i keyed in uh for the serious stuff because i'll say this dude i hate
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the fucking news bro i hate it man and i'm sorry if i'm antsy or fired up you know i got electricity
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inside of me and i feel like the news it's just all but it's all negative everything on it i feel like
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america is a much better country than the news makes us out to be all they focus on is the bullshit
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i feel like they've they're responsible for more racial bullshit in this country and more racial
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division than than any human or group of people could be uh sometimes i wish the new they'd take
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these newscasters and the the networks that that sponsor them and bring them up on charges because
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some of it is just bullshit we're better people than a lot of these news networks let on that we are
00:23:01.520
i strongly believe that what else happened this past weekend man not i just was feeling survival
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you know i felt a lot about survival and times where you know i didn't know if i was going to make it
00:23:15.720
um i had another near-death experience i ate a bunch of quarters when i was a child
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i ate about eight dollars and a little bit of change maybe in quarters um and it was all changed
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but i don't know how much over eight dollars that i actually ingested but i took in a good deal of
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money and they had to go in and get it out of me and i remember that being you know i was very scared
00:23:44.360
um i think from what i gather talking to my mother i had become envious of a piggy bank
00:23:51.980
and that's a natural thought for a child to have you know that that this pig can have money in it
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and i want to save money you know i was very money conscious as a child we didn't have much money
00:24:03.840
so the money that i had i wanted to hold on to but i remember being scared about that
00:24:09.360
um another time i guess i had to go into the hospital uh my p the hole on the end of my penis
00:24:16.480
wasn't wide enough i had a just a very small opening at the end of my penis and they um and i could
00:24:25.600
piss like a damn i mean dude i could piss severe i mean i could piss bro i could piss into a bird's
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mouth if the branch was only about seven feet up i mean i had i had something special i felt like
00:24:41.400
but it started to cause a lot of pain because as you get older i guess you can hold more liquid and
00:24:46.880
you're trying to you're trying to spray more liquid out of your body and i remember that causing a lot
00:24:52.340
of pain and i had to go in for surgery then uh to get a larger penis hole and uh and thankfully that
00:24:59.060
worked out okay but i remember a lot of fear being around that another time i was very scared for my
00:25:06.220
life was when i got i had appendicitis i had appendicitis i was playing baseball on a very
00:25:17.360
shitty team called the cubs and they didn't let me play they put me out in the field um they had one
00:25:25.420
boy who was out in the field one time and ate a couple of mushrooms psychedelic mushrooms that were
00:25:29.300
growing out there uh this kid named big charles and i don't know if he's ever really been the same
00:25:35.440
kid um so this was before a lot of the fields you know that maybe they properly took care of them
00:25:41.220
or you know maybe cows had been on them at certain times and you know uh and we were dealing
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with the repercussions of that uh big charles ended up using a lot of drugs um and i'm not going to
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say that's where it started as a right fielder but i don't think that that's far-fetched what else
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man but i had been playing for the cubs and we were horrible and um and i was i i was feeling some
00:26:10.000
stomach pain i went up to bat got hit by a pitch that was my big move couldn't swing the bat well
00:26:16.500
but would often get hit by the pitches and i got to second base was in severe pain in my side
00:26:25.920
and between second and third base i fell down hit the dirt and we had a huge thick
00:26:32.880
just a gristly coach you know they didn't make a shirt that could fit him you know sometimes it
00:26:39.920
seemed like he would you know have a shirt but then like some towels kind of sewed around the bottom of it
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you know or have an apron on as well to hide some of himself because he was just all body all gut
00:26:52.780
you know all just just fatty triceps and gut and he uh he was screaming at me he ended up actually
00:27:01.980
i think getting accused of being indecent with children and uh he never did anything to me but
00:27:11.620
he did get accused i know that and i'm still friends with two of the guys actually just did
00:27:17.720
an investment with one of the guys who uh who he tried to make some you know uh sweet gestures towards
00:27:24.580
but anyhow i'm coming through second base and i'm heading towards third and i hit the dirt man i'm in
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pain uh my appendix is ruptured or whatever and i'm laying on the ground and this dude is screaming at me
00:27:37.140
to round the bases and i can't round the bases dude i can't round the bases because part of my body
00:27:44.660
is busted open on the inside and he came out and was dragging me to third base um this coach
00:27:53.920
uh and at third i couldn't do anything else i stayed on the ground i remember holding on to the bag
00:27:59.940
as he tried to pull me down the towards home um the referees or whatever they're called umpires
00:28:06.520
were angry other people got furious and uh i mean it didn't matter we lost the game anyway we lost
00:28:12.900
every game by 10 run rule but i remember that being a really trying time and then i ended up in the
00:28:18.900
hospital for a few days because i had a ruptured appendix and i was very scared of that uh so anyhow
00:28:26.160
that's what's going on man that's what uh this past weekend i didn't have much happen because of
00:28:31.220
that right there i do want to let you guys know coming dates i have the punchline in sacramento
00:28:36.620
and that is april 21st through 23rd may 25th through 28th i'll be at the side splitters comedy club
00:28:46.600
in tampa florida and tampa's an old pirate town if you haven't been over there a lot of spanish
00:28:54.180
moths hookers a lot of you know florida's known for just being it's really the appendix of america
00:29:01.340
in that it just all the gutter and the real trauma really uh just kind of gestates down there so it's
00:29:09.420
definitely a place for a good time and then june 1st through june 4th i will be in pittsburgh
00:29:16.560
at the pittsburgh improv um if you want to support the podcast you can go to theovon.com
00:29:23.160
slash store uh we got some good shirts on there we got some artwork we got some new stuff that'll
00:29:28.300
be coming up on there this week as well later this week i got a new album that'll be online
00:29:33.760
of my early work uh it's going to be it's a classier version um and it's just all the early
00:29:40.400
stuff you know uh so i'm excited about that all right man we got some great calls that came in
00:29:46.640
i want to thank everybody for uh for being a part of this journey with me uh when you guys call in
00:29:52.220
with questions or concerns or or thoughts i mean i learn a lot as well uh so i'm glad that uh that
00:29:58.280
you guys are helping me um i want to thank also uh my buddy adam who's out there there's a guy named
00:30:04.340
adam who i've never even met who gives me advice about this podcast uh there's a guy named cameron
00:30:10.880
who does the artwork who i've never even met in person who does the artwork uh there is a guy named
00:30:18.220
sherb sherb you know who who does who who masters the audio at he's been doing it at 6 a.m the past
00:30:29.160
month um and i've never met him and so the joy that i'm feeling just from you know the kindness of
00:30:36.820
people um it's really awesome man and i want to say that i feel it and and thank you guys and we're in
00:30:43.980
this together and whatever we're doing um let's continue to do it thank you guys so much for the
00:30:49.800
support all right let's uh let's get into some calls here i want to thank you guys for hitting the
00:30:55.400
hotline that number is 985-664-9503 and that uh you can call in and leave a question or a comment
00:31:07.320
anything about you know that you might need some uh you know some some guidance if it's something i
00:31:12.380
can relate to i'll relate to it uh any basic life suggestions that i can offer i will try to offer
00:31:18.360
all right guys let's get into some of that we had some great callers call in here we go
00:31:23.320
what's up the uh i'm calling in from northwest arkansas i just northwest arkansas baby that's uh
00:31:30.460
quartz country and um little abner i think little abner from that area uh onward
00:31:38.140
uh on one of your podcasts you did a couple weeks back you're talking about how uh you whenever you
00:31:45.420
grew up you didn't really have very many relationships with uh men whenever you're a kid and i
00:31:52.560
that's true my brother moved to live with my grandparents when i was young so you know i was
00:31:58.020
in a room you know just with an empty bed across the room um and my father was very old and some of
00:32:05.340
the other they had some adults around us some of them were um you know some of them were pedophiles i
00:32:10.660
talked about that uh one man kept combing his hair all the time you know like he just just he had some
00:32:17.980
issues onward i'm like the opposite uh pretty much all my relationships were with uh with dudes
00:32:24.980
and uh all my friends are dudes and have very many like uh girlfriends and uh because of that it's
00:32:34.300
uh kind of hard for me to talk to the females it's a little difficult to um to not force conversation
00:32:42.080
whenever i'm talking to girls and i'm i can i can i can uh i can relate to that man i remember
00:32:48.420
when i was young i could not talk to girls i just felt embarrassed there was oh i couldn't talk to
00:32:55.560
girls that i liked that was the toughest part um i was just afraid you know i just had this thing
00:33:02.520
built in my head that they hated me or that they just did not like me and i remember one time i this
00:33:08.840
girl i was just in love with as a child i remember that i spit in her hair um because i was so pent up
00:33:16.580
with wanting to just tell her that i liked or maybe or something that i couldn't so i just gathered
00:33:23.740
every bit of genetic ability liquid ability in my face and just deposited on onto her head one time
00:33:32.720
um and i ended up getting suspended for that onward a little better at it now than i used to be i started
00:33:40.260
doing a lot of festivals and honestly just taking a bunch of ecstasy the best time i can talk to
00:33:46.700
to women is whenever i'm rolling my tits off on some good good molly and uh because of that it's helped a
00:33:54.660
little bit i'm a little better at uh carrying on conversations but i was just wondering if you've
00:33:59.880
ever had that problem and uh if you have how you kind of got over that all right um so we got a
00:34:09.680
gentleman in northwest arkansas i love the fact that arkansas you just you assume people don't know any
00:34:15.040
any location in that state so you just sort of label it um as an area you know almost as it's like
00:34:21.940
you know like it's part of space or something um but i appreciate the call man
00:34:27.180
well first of all if you're using drugs to talk to women i've been there you know i you know i used
00:34:37.680
to think that using cocaine uh would make me like a party guy and it can help it can help for a while
00:34:45.780
you know but but at the but but the kind of girls i was meeting were just straight just drug muppets
00:34:55.380
you know and kind of chicks that would wear those you know ewok things on their head with the long
00:35:01.820
bands coming out of them and you know candy necklaces adults wearing candy necklaces and playing in the
00:35:08.460
desert you know and wearing fake furs and dressing up like foxes like dirty foxes and you know doing
00:35:15.620
you know just you know hiding ecstasy and acid inside of their bodies and
00:35:21.600
boofing i remember this one girl was boofing is a thing where you put cocaine in a straw
00:35:28.800
and then you blow it into somebody's buttocks or butt into their right into their butthole really
00:35:34.680
into the hole in their butt and uh and so yeah it was using drugs was cool for a little bit but
00:35:42.220
after a while you can devolve where you're just using drugs and that that can get a little scary so
00:35:49.580
i'm not saying it's a bad idea what you're doing but if your expectations are to continue to carry
00:35:56.580
that behavior on you might run into some issues where you're just doing drugs by yourself
00:36:01.920
and there aren't any girls uh and that that can easily happen you know that can easily happen man
00:36:08.880
um it sounds like you got to find some comfort in talking to women you know and and i used i mean
00:36:19.980
dude i went through a time where i was so nervous to talk to women the only thing i could use were
00:36:25.960
like shitty pickup lines you know garbage ones um you know they had the one are you a polar uh
00:36:32.500
are you a polar bear because you just you know i'm a polar bear i'm about to break the ice you know
00:36:38.840
that garbage you know verbal and then i used to have this one line in hindsight this shit is horrible
00:36:46.460
i was like uh let's play hiroshima i'll lay on my back and you blow the shit out of me
00:36:53.780
so that was but i mean that's where i was i was at a point where personally i couldn't find a comfort
00:37:04.400
level where i could speak to women and how to get through that i would find you gotta you have to you
00:37:13.320
have to get through it and you're gonna have to practice and what i would practice is listening
00:37:18.640
i practice listening man i think you're you you could be thinking because i personally used to
00:37:25.180
think that i had to start the conversation every time sometimes you can just listen just listen i mean
00:37:32.860
a lot of women all they want is a man to listen to them and to care and i think if you start with
00:37:39.160
that with the listening then you'll eventually find spots where you can interject and offer um offer
00:37:47.600
something to the conversation you know and also if you're it's it's and you can just try things also
00:37:56.760
if you want to try little things to talk to a woman i would try little things like i like what kind of
00:38:03.440
candy do you like you know shit that like a five-year-old would say because all it's about is starting the
00:38:10.880
conversation you don't need to think or worry three or four steps in advance just say hello
00:38:17.320
my name is so and so you know um just little things like that are really the starters uh and we got you
00:38:25.840
got you have to get yourself confidence up because if you are thinking that women don't like you then
00:38:31.340
they're just going to sense that you know um because the thing is they probably do like you you know
00:38:36.660
they probably do um and you just have to find some ways to be comfortable around them
00:38:41.360
so comfortability will lead to communication so if you can get to being comfortable you're going to
00:38:48.060
be in a good spot now you also man if you get hooked up on the drugs and that you're going to start weaning
00:38:54.280
yourself off of that you know if the only way you can speak to women is on at a rave on ecstasy
00:38:59.580
dude you might that might not end well you know so i don't know if you need to put on some house music
00:39:06.400
and suck on a clarinet or something at the house you know or start to wean yourself off of that
00:39:11.360
behavior so you can create some regular behaviors where you're actually you know communicating to
00:39:17.240
women in a regular way man you know when you can find a girl that you already know and it doesn't
00:39:23.540
have to be one that you're sexually interested in and just communicate just listen practice bro you
00:39:30.940
know practice and also you don't want to be in a spot where where you just take any girl that will
00:39:38.260
take you and you know for years i spent time in that place uh where i would just any girl that would
00:39:46.720
take me i would accept you know i would take even if she didn't have some of my values or qualities or
00:39:54.920
anything i just felt so less of myself and i'm not saying that you feel this way about you
00:40:02.700
but i felt so less of myself that i just felt like i wasn't worthy of someone
00:40:10.840
who was good for me or who i was good for i was just hopefully worthy of anyone and that was not a fun
00:40:22.360
place to be and uh and you end up with people that you end up with being in a match that's not a real
00:40:28.200
match you know because you want to end up if you want to end up with a woman and if you're looking
00:40:33.540
for something long term you're going to want to find a woman that's real and if you don't always have
00:40:39.180
to agree with girls you know if they don't have your vibe dude then screw them on to the next one you
00:40:44.240
know um but just don't make your if you can get in your head that you have value and you have worth
00:40:52.120
which you do you do bruh you know you sound like a pretty legit dude man i'd probably go party with
00:40:58.300
you bruh you know i'd probably do a couple bumps and put on a wig and let you practice conversation
00:41:04.080
on me you know um but you don't want to end up with someone who doesn't deserve you just because
00:41:11.060
you're afraid to to you're afraid to feel like someone does deserve you so i don't know if any
00:41:21.200
of that helps man but i hope i could relate a little bit and uh and yeah be easy on that drugs man you
00:41:27.020
know um maybe use a placebo you could try that you could try using a placebo you know maybe just fill
00:41:34.000
your mouth with damn you know uh uh uh uh fill your mouth with a little box of good and plenty's
00:41:40.940
and see if you meet a girl on that you know hide a couple lifesavers under your tongue and see who
00:41:47.220
you meet you know and you can practice talking to sisters too man sisters love to chat beautiful dark
00:41:53.500
skinned girl um and and it's good practice you know uh and you might meet a beautiful sister that
00:42:01.000
you fall in love with you know you might be the next gary owen uh or the next bill burr um who are
00:42:06.620
both you know uh great confident men uh good luck with that man let's check out another question here
00:42:14.620
hold on hey theo i got a question for you my name is jose i live in uh new mexico jose new mexico
00:42:26.300
um i'm gonna say this gentleman could be latino thank you for calling sir uh he might be our first
00:42:32.200
latino check-in and um i'm grateful to have you brother onward and uh yeah i just got a question for you
00:42:40.080
i just got out of a relationship and i'm noticing one of my biggest problems is um i'm a jealous
00:42:45.680
motherfucker and i don't know how to get past that shit it's kind of a hindrance to my past
00:42:51.200
relationship because it's not like i'll go out and beat a motherfucker up or anything like that it's
00:42:56.640
just he said he said it's not like he'll go out and beat a motherfucker up so he's not doing that
00:43:03.220
but he did just refer to himself as a jealous motherfucker so that sounds pretty jealous that
00:43:09.560
sounds pretty jealous you know onward i don't know i just just feel like i don't know like
00:43:16.900
i just i'm not in control of some of the things that happened in that sort of situation uh this
00:43:23.720
past relationship i had a extremely beautiful girlfriend she uh she didn't believe that any
00:43:30.200
guys she met that they were trying to get into her pants i tried to give that to her but
00:43:34.920
just wasn't getting through i'm a guy and i know how guys work so that always came to bite me in the
00:43:41.760
ass man yeah man i'll say this it's hard uh if you're just telling your girlfriend that
00:43:50.620
you know that's it's just not going to resonate well you can warn her but you know beating that
00:43:59.680
into her verbally it's not going to help because jealousy equals insecurity and when women
00:44:06.400
sense when they see that you're insecure it makes there's there's naturally women are not
00:44:14.560
are going to have trouble being attracted to insecure men um i've been jealous man i have been jealous
00:44:21.780
uh i'll tell you about my jealousy in just a second let's uh let's finish up the call here
00:44:26.140
but yeah man if you have any any uh any advice or anything i should do to
00:44:31.460
kick this jealousy shit man i don't like it i don't like it but uh cool keep up the good work
00:44:37.620
man podcast is the shit okay he wants to kick the jealousy man well i appreciate you calling in jose
00:44:41.620
because that's a that's a brave thing to admit and it's a brave thing to recognize
00:44:44.980
you know i was extremely jealous of past girlfriends dude i was so insecure i my i had one girlfriend
00:44:57.080
um i ended up breaking into her apartment and putting nair nair which is a hair removal care
00:45:04.140
into her shampoo bottle um when i found out that she had been uh doing sex with another man you know
00:45:13.280
and i think some of that could have in hindsight been deservant um that's also out of the uh out of
00:45:19.220
the jurisdiction of uh prosecutable offenses now that's been about 15 years uh so i'm safe to discuss
00:45:25.920
that but uh but i was extremely jealous of that girl you know um i was jealous i remember my one
00:45:35.520
of my first girlfriends um she'd lost her virginity to someone else right and i'd lost my virginity to
00:45:41.920
her you know and i know losing your virginity it's not a big deal anymore but at the time when i was
00:45:47.900
young it was a big deal you know when i was um at that you know first sex age you know early sex ages
00:45:54.780
and i remember i was so jealous for some reason that she hadn't lost her virginity to me and this
00:46:02.360
seems like a crazy thing for me to talk about um and i don't know if this can relate entirely to your
00:46:07.560
your issues here but i just kind of in a weird way i like held it against her you know i was just so
00:46:15.840
jealous of of you know like why didn't like why not me why didn't you wait for me but this girl
00:46:22.600
didn't even know we weren't even a part of each other's lives so i was so insecure about myself as
00:46:30.660
a man and about being a good boyfriend or sexually confident that i you know wanted to somehow erase
00:46:39.680
any other sexual instances that she'd ever had you know and i wanted to do it by
00:46:46.340
by making her feel bad i guess and that's just bizarre i mean that's because it's unrealistic you
00:46:54.060
know there's no way to go back in time and change things and you can't that's not you know that's not
00:46:59.760
something that can happen you know so it was just me just finding any way i could to make her feel
00:47:06.500
bad and i figured if i was making her feel bad then i would have some type of control over her i guess
00:47:14.100
um you know and it's sad to hear myself say that now because i don't behave that way anymore
00:47:19.260
but you know when i was younger i certainly did and i would just get extremely jealous where were you
00:47:25.300
where you been what's going on um you didn't call you didn't text you know and i was just so insecure
00:47:31.800
i was so unconfident i didn't have the bill i didn't have the ability to be you know i didn't
00:47:38.380
have any self-confidence i didn't have any self-confidence at all um but what i could have
00:47:44.660
done and what i recommend or what i suggest is that if you know what your jealous behavior is which
00:47:52.360
it sounds like you do then if you start to feel that do the opposite do the opposite action now that
00:48:00.700
action might be do nothing that action might be instead of writing where the fuck are you
00:48:06.140
right um you know i hope you're having a nice evening but you have if you know what the action
00:48:12.940
is that's causing that if you know what one of the actions is that's part of your issue then doing
00:48:19.440
the opposite would be the correct thing and a lot of times it's going to be do nothing a lot of times
00:48:25.800
that's going to be absolutely do nothing um and i remember it got to the point sometimes where
00:48:32.560
somebody would ask me how do you feel about this girl the only feeling i even had was jealousy
00:48:38.660
like i'd be in a relationship for a couple years and my main feeling was jealousy
00:48:43.680
like it wasn't oh i love this girl it's like oh i'm i'm just jealous i'm so caught up in myself
00:48:49.640
you know i'm so caught up in using anything i can to keep her because i felt insecure jealousy
00:48:56.940
comes from fear you know it comes from the fear of losing someone it comes from the fear of of
00:49:02.700
thinking that you know your friends are gonna uh think you're weak um if they if that person leaves
00:49:09.420
you uh jealousy comes from fear man so you got to find some ways uh to cure that fear you know there
00:49:15.880
might be some self-help groups out there for jealousy or for anger management where even if
00:49:19.840
you got into one of those or went to a couple meetings you might be able to hear someone who
00:49:24.280
can relate to your story or share your story with some men in there where they can um you know they'll
00:49:30.860
have a similar yeah where they can relate and share some information with you man but you also have to
00:49:36.200
have reasonable expectations so next time you feel like being jealous try being supportive i mean
00:49:43.620
it's going to be hard but just be supportive it you know imagine start to imagine that instead of
00:49:50.480
your girlfriend is doing something wrong that she's doing something right that she cares that she's out
00:49:56.420
you know doing whatever she's supposed to be you know is normally you know doing as part of her daily
00:50:01.960
life and that she's thinking about you in a positive way you know start to imagine that
00:50:07.320
that a healthy connection can actually happen and and that's going to start to create some confidence
00:50:15.600
i feel like inside of you but it's some of that really comes from self-confidence and self-worth
00:50:20.240
and just feeling um feeling insecure so i wish i knew more to suggest to you but but i can certainly
00:50:28.940
relate man i mean i was just i didn't know what else to do i didn't know how to express how much i
00:50:34.380
cared about these women the only thing i knew how to express was um that i felt like i had to control
00:50:42.180
them and i would use uh and that was often fueled i was often fueled by my jealousy um so i don't
00:50:49.040
know i hope some of that you know can resonate a little bit uh let's let's check in with another call
00:50:54.920
here hey ceo thanks for the podcast man dude it is awesome thank you so much bro you bet man you're
00:51:03.240
welcome dude thank you for uh thank you for listening i got a question here um thinking about
00:51:09.760
i live in boston right now and i'm thinking about going out to la and man it just seems like that's
00:51:15.800
the place to be how long have you been living in la and i don't know i'm just thinking about doing
00:51:21.960
that move so just give me some pointers or or not well dude all right man how long have i been
00:51:30.120
living in la i've been living in la for about 14 years man um and i'm gonna say first i'll give you
00:51:37.020
the positives and negatives from what i think this doesn't have to be anybody else's feelings
00:51:42.760
la is lonely to me la is a lonesome city there's very little sense of community a lot of la is a
00:51:52.880
lot of uh you know freaks and dreamers um then i'm not saying these are bad people i'm one of them
00:51:59.560
um it's a lot of freaks and dreamers creeps uh weirdos you know it's la it's like this it's like
00:52:08.060
that porch light that's on that bugs just flock to you know there's a lot of beautiful bugs out here
00:52:15.140
and a lot of real seedy centipedes out here and you spend a lot of time in your car people talk
00:52:22.280
about traffic traffic disconnects humans okay you sit in your car your best friend a coffee dude you
00:52:30.240
better have some good cafe my buddy because your best friend will be a coffee you spend a lot of
00:52:38.240
time in your car so that time you can't spend it with other people so there's not a strong sense
00:52:43.060
of community a lot of people move here to get what they want and then to go so you you never like oh
00:52:51.200
there's tons of pride in los angeles they don't have that um also there's a lot of freaking uh there's a
00:52:59.640
lot of posterity you know it's like all the bars shut at 130 um you know everything just looks good
00:53:07.860
here but the reality is that it's it that's what it's supposed to be for there's lights there's
00:53:12.520
cameras we want to capture everything looking awesome you know so you don't get a lot of sense
00:53:18.020
of how it feels really um there's a lot of uh there's a lot of people raising their raising their
00:53:24.940
kids in like small apartments where the kids don't have room to really get out and explore
00:53:29.240
people care more about animals here than they do about other people um you'll see a you know you
00:53:36.160
see a you know a disabled bichon that thing will have 95 caretakers in a minute you know you see a
00:53:43.340
dude you know beating another dude with an axe people will just be videotaping it you know and and
00:53:50.840
there's just not as much care for for other humans here uh as much as there is for like animals
00:53:56.080
a lot of people have service animals a lot of people don't even have friends here they just
00:53:59.960
have service animals you'll say i saw a lady the other day had maybe six service dogs dude uh what
00:54:06.320
the fuck you know is this some kind of service iditarod you're in lady you know are you are you
00:54:12.400
sledding you know how how sir how much service do you need you know and it's just a lot of people that
00:54:19.400
are just disconnected i feel like from reality uh you see a lot of uh latino women caring for white
00:54:27.320
children if you go to a lot of the parks here a lot of lovely latino motherly type of women
00:54:32.880
um while a lot of uh the parents are off working it's a lot of both parent work cities so uh but a lot
00:54:41.460
of both parents work here you know which is fine but i'd love to one day have a wife that doesn't have
00:54:47.320
to work that can work if she wants to she's an equal but i'd love i think having a mother at home
00:54:53.360
is important i think it's one of the things that we're missing a lot uh so there's a lot of disconnection
00:54:58.400
here with that um there's a lot of gay dudes out here fighting over instagram likes i'll put that out
00:55:04.700
there you know um there's a lot of there's just a lot of disconnection man there's not a long
00:55:12.240
a lot of sense of community there's a lot of lonely people lonely people dude um i mean it's
00:55:21.240
just it can be a very lonely city so i feel like those are a lot of things you get out here in los
00:55:26.920
angeles uh everybody has a you know people have dogs or it's a lot more important that's why animal
00:55:32.360
rights is so huge here because people don't know how to even relate really to other people now those
00:55:38.220
are some of the things that i find about la that are probably negatives positives anything can happen
00:55:45.600
here man you can have friends of all types like it's it's baffling um you know i have so many i know
00:55:54.140
i am you know i know so many amazing and wonderful talented people there's so many talented people
00:55:59.900
that i get to work with at the comedy store all the time or that i you know that i cross paths with
00:56:05.920
in different professions like i mean some of the most talented people in the world so that's that
00:56:11.960
i mean when i look through my phone i'm like wow i'm just so blessed to know so many just superior and
00:56:18.860
unique people so you have tons of unique people here that you wouldn't be able to know
00:56:23.520
in other cities the weather's priceless uh it's great you know i mean it's always great it's so great
00:56:31.500
that you don't even think about the weather i've never looked at a weather report ever been here
00:56:36.940
for 14 years never looked because at 99 of the time it's exactly the same with that said it's also
00:56:44.040
like groundhog's day where you don't have any seasons you don't know what's going on i mean it
00:56:48.180
could be may it could be december it's all the same you start to miss i start to miss a lot of the
00:56:54.280
seasons man you know you miss the colors you miss a night of rain where the you know where you hear it
00:56:59.520
outside and and everybody's more calm and things slow down you just don't have that here uh holidays
00:57:05.460
there's it's so diverse here that nobody gives a fuck what holiday it is you know you don't see any
00:57:11.920
decorations because one decoration is going to offend another ethnicity or another religion and
00:57:18.280
so that to me isn't fun you know i mean you know i like more of a smaller area vibe where everybody
00:57:25.540
if it's christmas you you decorate for christmas you know who gives a fuck if some people don't
00:57:30.120
celebrate christmas or or some people don't celebrate this or that let's decorate for everything
00:57:34.340
so you don't see a lot of that man the only time you know when it's a holiday is when you walk into a
00:57:38.640
cvs um what are some other positives the beach is right there the water's cold as fuck they don't
00:57:45.360
tell you that bro uh it's freezing it's dirty uh but i was raised in dirty water so i don't mind that
00:57:52.200
i would like it to be a little bit warmer uh would i come to la again if i could come out here
00:57:58.600
you know i've been really blessed man it would be hard for me to go back and say i'm uh you know
00:58:06.720
i know i've met so many great and wonderful people that i feel fortunate to have in my life
00:58:11.800
so yeah i would i would move here again i think it's worth trying i think it's worth trying anything
00:58:17.580
new i think new things can come out of making a move like that um i think it's brave to move
00:58:23.780
there's a lot of times where i wanted to move to new york city but i wasn't brave enough to do that
00:58:28.860
you know and sometimes i feel bad about that looking back on my past and i still can and i tried to last
00:58:36.100
year we've been out here pitching some shows um but but i feel like uh yeah i feel like i would do it
00:58:45.600
again if you want to do it man i say do it if you can afford it you're still young enough where it's
00:58:51.280
not gonna you know if one year isn't gonna kill you and it's gonna be a unique experience do it
00:58:55.840
a city that i would recommend definitely living in though is new york city i mean you're already in
00:59:01.160
boston so that might be too close for you but uh but anyhow those are my feelings on it man
00:59:06.600
i um i appreciate you guys joining me this week for this past weekend i'm not gonna have any music on
00:59:13.020
the way out today for you guys i don't know what's happening to me these days i'm just fucking
00:59:17.520
falling apart you know but i shouldn't open my loud mouth you know i shouldn't have went over to
00:59:22.560
that to the lobster truck and let them know what i was thinking they didn't need to know it was a
00:59:27.420
it was a mexican woman working in there she didn't even fucking i don't even think knew what i was
00:59:32.560
talking about um so for me to think that these people are selling food out of jurisdiction when i don't
00:59:39.180
even know the zoning uh that's just sheer ignorance so so what the fuck am i talking about but i'll say
00:59:46.760
this man i love you guys and i appreciate you guys listening uh let's hit the hotline again next week i
00:59:51.800
want to talk a little bit about family man if you have a family what's it like these days to have a
00:59:56.540
family is it hard um to be a man and to run a family um you know to stay in that every weekend and
01:00:04.640
week out uh i didn't have much of a vibe for that when i was growing up but i see now that my brother
01:00:10.380
runs a household he and his wife and they managed to do a pretty good job and that's been a good
01:00:15.500
example for me recently in my life but also it scares me man it scares me to think that you know
01:00:23.120
that that could be part of my future it makes me want to just kind of stay in my zone and my little
01:00:28.600
safe spaces and um and and be afraid of starting a serious relationship or of starting you know
01:00:37.860
heading in that direction you know sometimes i don't want to grow up and i don't want to uh i don't
01:00:43.000
want to take that harder road you know but i'm i'm hopeful that that i'll be able to but i don't know so
01:00:51.100
i'd love to hear from you guys about uh if anybody has you know is dealing with a family what that's
01:00:56.980
like uh you know some of the pitfalls if you want to hit the hotline you can also hit the hotline with
01:01:01.640
anything else you have and uh and we might uh get into it that number again is nine eight five six six
01:01:09.600
four nine five zero three uh hashtag basic life suggestions thank you guys very much for joining
01:01:16.060
me on this past weekend uh you guys be good to yourselves huh won't you try that i bet you deserve it
01:01:23.840
thank you ladies and gentlemen i'm jonathan kite and welcome to kite club a podcast where i'll be
01:01:30.660
sharing thoughts on things like current events stand-up stories and seven ways to pleasure your
01:01:35.780
partner the answer may shock you sometimes i'll interview my friends sometimes i won't and as
01:01:42.620
always i'll be joined by the voices in my head you have three new voice messages a lot of people are
01:01:49.500
talking about kite club i've been talking about kite club for so long longer than anybody else so
01:01:55.620
great hi swia he's a deal anyone who doesn't listen to kite club is a dodgy bloody wanker jermaine
01:02:04.320
i'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a victory sorry sir but our ice cream machine is broken
01:02:10.480
i think tom hanks just butt dialed me anyway first rule of kite club is tell everyone about kite club
01:02:19.560
second rule of kite club is tell everyone about kite club third rule like and subscribe wherever you
01:02:26.340
listen to podcasts or watch us on youtube yeah and yes don't worry my brad pitt impression will get better