This Past Weekend with Theo Von - 5-15-17 This Past Weekend #22

00:00:00.060 What's up you little hamster wrangling scoliosis crab apple eaters? You guys ready?

00:00:06.640 Huh? You ready to play a little bit of junk bump with daddy? 0.97

00:00:10.380 You ready for some powdered sugar up in your butt? 1.00

00:00:12.640 Ooh, diabetes. 0.99

00:00:15.060 We got one of the oldest wiggas in the game coming in studio.

00:00:18.980 We got a wonderful episode. We got some first-time callers talking about crotch touch, their first experience.

00:00:24.460 And it's the Mother's Day aftermath.

00:00:27.040 So, thank you for joining me. Welcome to This Past Weekend.

00:00:31.400 This Past Weekend.

00:00:50.460 Hear that?

00:00:57.040 It's beautiful music, huh?

00:01:04.160 That is the Dragon Challenge by Epidemic Sound.

00:01:08.560 It makes me feel like a queen has just passed by, you know?

00:01:14.180 Like, oh, her majesty, you know?

00:01:18.320 Like a beautiful queen has just gone by on a boat, like a nice boat made out of pearl or something like that.

00:01:24.840 Or something that looks like pearl that would float, you know?

00:01:28.560 Oh, there's the queen. 0.99

00:01:30.440 There's the queen. 1.00

00:01:31.320 I say that because Mother's Day.

00:01:34.760 Mother's Day has come and gone.

00:01:38.120 And everybody's, you know, hopefully, gotten to spend some time with their mother, talk to them, had a nice conversation, or listened to them.

00:01:47.160 I find as I get older, it's about just listening to my mother.

00:01:51.180 You know, I just want to make sure that she's okay.

00:01:53.980 And that she's trying, you know, she's not worrying.

00:01:58.700 I think those are things that start to help me the most.

00:02:02.620 I spoke to my mother today.

00:02:04.480 I sent her some flowers, actually, from Bloom That.

00:02:07.620 You might have heard it.

00:02:08.420 We'd been advertising for them.

00:02:10.400 I sent some flowers to her from there.

00:02:13.180 And she has a husband who has Alzheimer's.

00:02:16.900 And so he don't do much.

00:02:18.780 He was in the war.

00:02:20.140 He was in maybe a couple wars.

00:02:22.020 I think maybe, I want to say, possibly the Korean War.

00:02:26.700 He's got some issues with some Asians.

00:02:28.380 I do know that.

00:02:29.780 It doesn't make him a bad person.

00:02:31.760 They had issues with him as well, I'm sure, during the war.

00:02:35.740 So, but he don't do much.

00:02:39.140 He liked to put on mittens or gloves.

00:02:41.300 And he likes to take them off.

00:02:43.360 So that's one of his hobbies these days.

00:02:46.040 A couple times he would break out of the house and go get himself a little can of liquor or can of beer.

00:02:52.020 And he would have that somewhere being sneaky.

00:02:54.940 And my mother would have to go find him.

00:02:57.480 So that's kind of what he's up to.

00:03:00.780 You know.

00:03:01.980 And he'd have Alzheimer's.

00:03:03.780 So it was nice to speak to my mother and just make sure she was okay.

00:03:07.760 She had some, she enjoyed her flowers.

00:03:09.780 And the flowers came with some caramels.

00:03:12.560 Different, you know, fancy brown candies.

00:03:15.120 But nice ones.

00:03:16.340 They melt in your mouth and make you feel, you know, make your face, make your whole mouth feel kind of almost naughty a little bit.

00:03:26.380 Salty and sweet and kind of just nasty a little bit.

00:03:29.620 Also good and beautiful.

00:03:30.980 So she enjoyed those, I'm pretty sure.

00:03:33.980 And we had a nice time, man.

00:03:36.860 You know, I'm at the age now where I can't, it's not about holding any grudges against my mother.

00:03:44.220 It's about finding solutions if I do have issues.

00:03:46.820 We're more and more a little bit able to talk about things.

00:03:51.920 And, and it's just about kind of just letting her know that I love her, you know.

00:04:00.620 You know, I feel like when I think about it, and I'm sorry, welcome to this past weekend, man.

00:04:05.420 I'm just talking out of the blue, I hear, you know.

00:04:08.920 I want to thank you guys for joining me.

00:04:11.140 I hope your mother's days were beautiful.

00:04:12.740 I hope I saw a lot of pictures on Instagram of people's mothers.

00:04:16.900 I liked as many as I could.

00:04:21.080 And I, you know, it was, but I spoke to my mom and, and I just want her to be happy.

00:04:26.280 That's all I want.

00:04:27.460 You know, when I was young, I thought I was a daddy's boy, you know, or a dad's boy, whatever it's called.

00:04:33.580 I can't remember.

00:04:34.380 Daddy's boy sounds almost like, you know, somebody that's being hired as like a male escort or something.

00:04:41.840 Maybe out in Scottsdale or in Palm Springs.

00:04:45.020 So I'm not that.

00:04:46.040 I just thought I was, my dad wasn't around.

00:04:49.060 So I thought I was a, you know, I just wanted to be that, you know.

00:04:53.080 Because when you, when you're young, you want to be whatever you're not, kind of.

00:04:56.560 You know, you want to be the, you know, you just, you want to raise hell.

00:05:00.940 You want to cause ruckus.

00:05:02.180 So that's, I thought I was a daddy's boy.

00:05:03.840 But I wasn't, man.

00:05:07.680 As I get older, I realize that I'm just, you know, I just want my mother to be happy.

00:05:11.400 And I just, you know, I'm like my mother in a lot of ways.

00:05:17.060 Some good and some bad.

00:05:18.640 But, but I'm, I'm more of a mama's boy.

00:05:20.940 And it took me a long time to realize that.

00:05:24.260 But now I'm realizing it now.

00:05:26.760 But yeah, it's at a certain point, you can't hold grudges anymore.

00:05:29.300 If I'm still holding grudges against my mother, I'm 37 years old.

00:05:33.920 And something's wrong, then it's my issue.

00:05:36.900 It's not our issue anymore.

00:05:39.460 It's my issue.

00:05:40.960 So I have to figure out what's going on.

00:05:42.880 If I am, come to terms with it and get out of it.

00:05:45.960 Because life is short.

00:05:47.820 And our lives are short.

00:05:50.120 And, and I want my, I just want my mother to be happy.

00:05:52.940 You know, when I think about it.

00:05:54.040 But we had a little bit of a tough spell over, over growing up.

00:05:57.520 And I was pretty blessed, man.

00:05:59.480 I found a bunch of different mothers that took me in.

00:06:02.080 Into their families and into their homes. 0.98

00:06:05.140 And made me feel like a, like a, just like a regular kid.

00:06:09.440 You know, and loved me and, and helped me out as much as possible.

00:06:14.420 You know, I got emancipated at 14.

00:06:16.140 And I spent time living with friends and families.

00:06:19.220 And I've just been eternally, when I really think about it, blessed by the, by the grace that people showed me.

00:06:27.080 I mean, I have been shown more joy than, more grace and more, just, I've just, I've been helped.

00:06:38.540 I've been helped.

00:06:40.060 So it's amazing to me that a mother, that they can extend beyond their own children when they have a lot of those qualities.

00:06:46.700 And it's just, it's, it's pretty fascinating.

00:06:49.020 And, and, but these days, you know, I talk to my mother and I just want her to be happy.

00:06:53.680 You know, and she, sometimes she just talks and talks.

00:06:56.780 And I don't know what she's talking about.

00:06:58.920 I just try to listen and be a quiet listener.

00:07:01.960 Try to be supportive.

00:07:05.180 But she got some tulips.

00:07:06.360 That's what I sent.

00:07:06.980 And I hope she enjoyed them.

00:07:09.180 I'm going to jump off that conversation right now.

00:07:13.460 Or actually, I guess when I think about my mother even more, you know, I didn't always treat my mother very good.

00:07:19.240 That's one thing I realized as I get older.

00:07:21.720 I wasn't a good son.

00:07:23.400 You know, I have some responsibilities as a son.

00:07:25.780 You know, I've talked about this before, but, you know, I rejected my mother a lot of times.

00:07:31.340 You know, I wasn't like a proud son a lot of times.

00:07:34.400 I was, you know, I was just uncomfortable and I, I was just selfish.

00:07:40.160 And I know I was a child and you have a right to be selfish as a child because you have to have your needs met when you're a young child.

00:07:47.040 But as you get older, you, you can, you can just be being selfish.

00:07:53.860 You know, if all you're concerned about is getting your needs met, then at a certain point, there's a lot of selfishness there.

00:07:58.920 And, and I, and I, and I was that a lot of times.

00:08:02.280 And I rejected my mother, you know, because we didn't have any money sometimes.

00:08:06.600 And, you know, I rejected her maybe because she didn't, my mother was a hard worker, still is.

00:08:13.060 And she didn't take care of herself that much. 1.00

00:08:14.760 Or she didn't care about beauty. 0.98

00:08:15.940 She didn't care about, you know, looking fancy or putting on makeup or anything.

00:08:19.820 But that made me feel, you know, like I, like she just didn't care about putting on airs for anyone.

00:08:28.000 She was a very real woman.

00:08:29.980 And at the time when I was young, I just, I guess I wanted her to put on airs.

00:08:33.680 I wanted, you know, that idea of a mom that you see. 0.84

00:08:36.900 Like on the televisions, you know, on Leave It to Beavers and stuff like that.

00:08:41.840 Different shows, you know, regular shows.

00:08:44.800 Roseanne, but more of a thin Roseanne.

00:08:46.780 And so, you know, I rejected my mother a lot and I feel bad about some of those things.

00:08:53.000 But I'm old, you know, but now I'm, one of the blessings I still have with my mom is that I'm able to discuss those things with her.

00:08:59.200 And get into them.

00:09:00.700 And, you know, it's never too late to apologize.

00:09:03.300 It doesn't have to be a special phone call that you make to your mom.

00:09:05.760 It doesn't have to be on Mother's Day.

00:09:07.300 It can be on any Monday like today.

00:09:09.660 If you got something to say, just get it out of your heart.

00:09:12.500 Get it out of your soul.

00:09:14.000 Get it into your mother's ears, you know. 0.65

00:09:16.780 And there's no place better for a son's concerns, I don't think, than their mother's ears.

00:09:24.000 Even if she's not going to give you the response you want, I think there's just something about a son or a daughter saying something to their mother.

00:09:32.820 You know, and just putting it on them that, that is innately comforting to us.

00:09:38.360 And I put a lot of pressure on my mom growing up.

00:09:41.840 You know, it was just her.

00:09:43.480 And when you're a child like that, you know, and it's just your mother, you naturally look to your mother for whatever your father is supposed to give you as well.

00:09:54.240 And so it can give you a, it can put, you know, ridiculous, unachievable desires and expectations on your mother because you are looking for a complete circle of parenting.

00:10:09.560 And there's no way your mother can give it all to you because she can't be a man. 0.99

00:10:15.300 She can't be, you know, two parents.

00:10:17.680 So there's all, so, so I have a lot of, you know, I'll probably have some resentments or, you know, some amends to make in that category too.

00:10:27.540 Once I figure out what expectations I put on my mother that I probably was supposed to put on a father, but they weren't there.

00:10:34.680 Because that's not my mother's responsibility, you know, that's my father's responsibility who wasn't around.

00:10:41.820 But anyway, I'm not trying to bring everybody down. 0.97

00:10:43.440 I started shit off bad. 1.00

00:10:45.180 What the fuck, Dio? 1.00

00:10:46.760 I don't know. 1.00

00:10:48.420 I don't know, man.

00:10:49.600 We got a good episode, dude.

00:10:50.980 I got the oldest Wigga in the game coming in, Mr. Roger Rod. 1.00

00:10:54.540 I've been a fan of this man for a long time.

00:10:56.840 And I've seen him here and there.

00:10:58.800 And you guys are going to be excited.

00:10:59.900 We got some great calls that came in from some listeners.

00:11:03.880 I want to do a special episode this week, I think, hopefully.

00:11:09.260 Just about, I think it's going to be about manhood and what that means.

00:11:13.520 We've had a lot of calls about it.

00:11:16.300 And thank you so much for calling and hitting the hotline.

00:11:18.520 That number is 985-664-9503.

00:11:23.760 We got people calling in about the first time they touched some crotch and sharing those experiences.

00:11:28.760 And I'm going to, I mean, I know it's a weird thing on a Mother's After Day special to get into that.

00:11:34.640 But we're going to get into that, some of those crotch calls and take some crotch callers. 1.00

00:11:39.720 So, want to be a baller, crotch caller. 0.98

00:11:44.840 So, I was fascinated by that. 0.94

00:11:46.640 I think, because crutch and, crutch and touch, boy, touching crotch, when you're young, it just, I mean, it is like a dam. 0.59

00:11:57.020 I mean, it's like somebody just, it's like the first time you ever see one of those babies they could hear for the first time on those videos.

00:12:06.140 It's like, this magic baby.

00:12:08.440 They put, you know, they put headphones on this magic baby.

00:12:13.360 And, you know, a baby could see for the first time.

00:12:17.520 Baby gets retinas repaired for the first time.

00:12:21.620 But, when I see that, that's what it is like.

00:12:27.080 For a man, it is anyway.

00:12:29.040 The first time you're down there touching some, we'll say cooter, you know, to keep things comfortable here on this Mother's Day special.

00:12:36.240 We'll say cooter.

00:12:37.700 The first time you're seeing some cooter, you really are touching some.

00:12:42.500 It's like that first time.

00:12:43.720 It's like, it's just like one of those videos on Facebook where, you know, like, dog hears its owner.

00:12:51.120 You know, dog hears its owner for the first time.

00:12:54.340 Dog sees its cousin for the first time.

00:12:57.280 You know, it's like one of those, you know, it's one of those, man.

00:13:00.960 It's that magical moment where it's like this area that you can, and there's so much heat.

00:13:05.920 But, that's what I remember about that crotch heat, bro.

00:13:08.920 It was, I mean, God, it was like somebody had just put a furnace inside of, you know, a woman's pants. 1.00

00:13:17.980 I mean, it was just like, you ever get those mitten packets that keep your hands warm if you do skiing or you do outdoor work in the Kodiak or in the cold weather?

00:13:29.580 You know, or if you don't, if your freezer doesn't have a door, your refrigerator doesn't have a door, and you get, your kitchen gets really cold because you don't have ways to close them up, and you have to use those freezer packets, you know.

00:13:44.140 And I'm sure that's probably erroneous.

00:13:45.860 A lot of people don't have that.

00:13:46.800 I had a friend who didn't have any freezer door or refrigerator door.

00:13:50.760 Someone had stolen the doors to their appliance, many of their appliances, actually.

00:13:55.660 And so, the cold would always be coming out, and so they'd have to wear extra shirts and stuff. 0.59

00:14:03.480 But, you have this, they have these hand warmers you can get, and man, it was like the first time you put your hand down by a girl's crotch. 0.99

00:14:11.860 That's kind of what occurred, I felt like.

00:14:14.020 But, we're going to get into some of those calls, and we're going to get to our guest.

00:14:20.540 We're going to get to it.

00:14:21.380 I'm going to tell you what else.

00:14:21.920 This past weekend, not much, man.

00:14:24.500 You know, to be honest with you, I had a, I probably had like, I think, 16 comedy sets at the different clubs.

00:14:31.560 I hung out with Howie Mandel for a little bit, and it was nice, actually.

00:14:34.820 Howie's always been really nice to me.

00:14:37.200 He's a charming man.

00:14:39.100 And we had a good time.

00:14:40.180 I got to see him and his wife.

00:14:42.200 She's a lovely lady. 0.99

00:14:43.200 We had a nice time, man.

00:14:44.300 Howie's funny, and he's a good, he's got a great heart.

00:14:47.000 If you ever see celebrities on TV and you don't know what some of them are like, that's fine.

00:14:50.200 But, you can know this about Howie Mandel.

00:14:52.280 He may seem bizarre, you know, and maybe his humor is for you or isn't for you.

00:14:56.580 That's not to be judged.

00:14:59.180 I mean, you can judge it.

00:15:00.840 That's fine.

00:15:01.340 But, don't doubt that he's a nice man.

00:15:05.200 He's a very nice man.

00:15:08.520 He's just a good guy.

00:15:10.640 What else happened, dude?

00:15:12.040 I felt better.

00:15:13.140 I appreciate it.

00:15:13.840 I got a lot of calls from people this week, seeing how I was feeling.

00:15:17.800 And I feel a little bit better.

00:15:19.840 Some of that was just being off the road and being able to be at home and just enjoy my environment, man.

00:15:25.080 My plants were dying.

00:15:26.060 I got two plants, and they were dying.

00:15:29.040 So, it just felt a little bit better.

00:15:31.540 I took a walk today.

00:15:34.340 So, I'm going to drop these dates on you guys right now.

00:15:37.120 And then we're going to get into our guest.

00:15:39.800 He's going to be here in studio.

00:15:41.380 And then we're going to get some calls, man.

00:15:42.620 These are some of my favorite calls.

00:15:43.940 I'm really, really excited about this.

00:15:46.820 Next weekend, the 25th through 28th, I'll be at Tampa at the Sidesplitters Comedy Club.

00:15:53.780 And then I'll be in Pittsburgh June 1st through June 4th.

00:15:58.940 Okay.

00:15:59.880 And then I will be at Gotham in New York City June 23rd through June 24th in New York City, New York.

00:16:07.200 They call it the same thing to piss you off right there.

00:16:09.700 And then I'm in Wyoming, Illinois, and that's about an hour from the Quad Cities in Iowa.

00:16:15.560 It's a small town at the Paramount Theater.

00:16:19.540 And those tickets are available on Theovan.com.

00:16:23.140 I also have a new album that came out.

00:16:26.020 It's of my early stuff.

00:16:27.740 Now, if you picked up an album at my show, it might be the same material.

00:16:33.740 So, I'm just letting you know that if you want to check the material before you purchase it.

00:16:37.960 But it's Musket Fire, The Early Years of Satire. 0.70

00:16:42.660 And that's available now on iTunes.

00:16:44.680 It's a lot of the stuff from the Netflix special.

00:16:47.640 So, it's not material that is similar.

00:16:50.900 It's not the same material from the Netflix special, but it's similar material.

00:16:55.720 And it's on sale now.

00:16:58.060 Then I'll be, where else?

00:16:59.520 I'll be at the Improv in Orlando.

00:17:01.160 I think we moved those dates to July 13th through 16th.

00:17:04.060 Also, you can grab a 30-pound bag of Hamster Bones, which is still on sale.

00:17:09.460 And Theovan.com slash store is where you can get most things, t-shirts as well.

00:17:16.820 All right.

00:17:17.700 We got a guest in.

00:17:18.840 I'm excited for him.

00:17:20.540 It's late here, guys.

00:17:21.900 Honestly, it's 1 a.m. here on Pacific Standard Coastal Time.

00:17:28.400 All right.

00:17:34.360 Happy to have him here today, man.

00:17:35.860 Thank you so much for joining me.

00:17:38.240 What I want to say, one of the realest and oldest wiggers in the game, Mr. Roger Rod. 0.71

00:17:43.900 Appreciate that.

00:17:44.700 And it's really a pleasure to work with you, Theo.

00:17:46.480 You have a tremendous reputation, and I can see why.

00:17:48.940 I appreciate that, man.

00:17:49.940 And what do you feel like when I say the term wigger? 1.00

00:17:54.040 Actually, from what I understand of your background, you wouldn't qualify because you actually did assimilate and were accepted with the black culture because they were in your neighborhood.

00:18:04.560 It was about a half and half, as you said.

00:18:06.440 Yeah.

00:18:06.700 I grew up in half black, half white.

00:18:08.220 We've been discussing this before we jumped on the air.

00:18:10.280 Yeah.

00:18:10.460 Absolutely. 0.95

00:18:10.860 And to me, a wigger is the white kid that lives in Beverly Hills with his mom and dad bought him the Hummer. 1.00

00:18:16.760 He has the gold chains, and he sings Living in the Projects, and it's Get Back to Bel Air, Josh. 0.96

00:18:21.300 Right.

00:18:21.700 That's pretty much the way I see it.

00:18:24.060 Okay. 0.97

00:18:24.660 So that is more of an accurate description of a wigger where you're from. 1.00

00:18:28.480 From the perception of the way I hear blacks use that term wigger. 0.86

00:18:32.900 Okay. 0.78

00:18:33.100 And, of course, I've used the joke many times around them. 0.94

00:18:35.860 Listen, okay, wigger, that's for us, all right? 0.97

00:18:38.360 We like wigger. 0.98

00:18:39.080 Now, wigger is okay, but wigger, we put the er on the end, now we're going to fight. 1.00

00:18:43.280 Right.

00:18:43.640 Now that's an issue.

00:18:44.500 Yeah, okay. 0.95

00:18:45.980 So do you feel like that's a term that's accepted in the black community, wigger? 0.67

00:18:49.880 It's very derogatory, really. 0.89

00:18:52.000 They look at it like you're trying to bite our style.

00:18:54.580 Oh, really?

00:18:55.080 You're stealing from us, and we don't accept you, so don't act like we do.

00:18:59.120 Wow.

00:19:00.020 It's just you listen to the music, you wear the clothes, but you're not one of us, so stop trying to act like you are.

00:19:05.000 I see.

00:19:05.540 Which is where you don't fit because you actually were.

00:19:08.260 Right.

00:19:08.560 Yeah, I mean, I grew up in an environment where, I mean, I was in a group called Niggas for Life for a while when I was young.

00:19:14.200 And I'm not saying that that made me black or it was just a group of friends that I could feel, that I felt comfortable around.

00:19:24.360 Right.

00:19:24.520 You know, we all had single, it was all single parent families.

00:19:27.740 We're all poor.

00:19:28.820 We're all out on our bikes, screwing around every day.

00:19:32.620 And I didn't feel really accepted by like a lot of like the redneck culture, and that was a lot around me. 0.86

00:19:38.620 So the only other poor culture around me was black culture. 1.00

00:19:41.700 So, you know, you had to kind of fit in somewhere.

00:19:44.820 So I tried, I tried to fit in there.

00:19:47.200 And a lot of times I felt like I did, you know, and then a lot of times I felt like I didn't.

00:19:52.460 There really isn't any way you can ever cross over into that line to total acceptance.

00:19:56.800 There is a lot more of a line between tolerance and acceptance.

00:20:00.320 Yeah.

00:20:00.780 Yeah, that's what I would say.

00:20:02.120 And it's very understandable because they really, I think we all have a certain preconceived notion and acceptance when we see the same skin color we have.

00:20:11.100 Yeah.

00:20:11.380 That there's a we identify with this because we live the same life with this color all the time.

00:20:15.680 It's not that we socialize and interact with.

00:20:18.120 This is who we are all the time and we can't change it.

00:20:20.780 Right.

00:20:21.340 And that's what I do on stage particularly.

00:20:23.640 I'm not going to plug my act, but I make fun of everybody else's culture because that's really what makes us different.

00:20:28.120 And what you always mention is the big equalizer, which is money.

00:20:32.840 If you're poor, it doesn't matter where you are.

00:20:34.780 There's a really brilliant comic that I run into that makes the point of poverty is really what has everybody sectioned off the way they do.

00:20:43.360 Like everyone has the ability to live on some kind of government assistance. 0.83

00:20:47.260 But if you're black, you live in the hood with other black people. 1.00

00:20:50.760 You could live with the same money in a trailer park, but you're thinking I may be poor, but I ain't that fucking poor that I'm living with those guys. 1.00

00:20:57.460 And the trailer park people the same way. 0.90

00:20:59.520 Hey, look, I may be on section eight here, but I ain't living in there with them people.

00:21:02.760 And that's how it goes.

00:21:04.080 Yeah.

00:21:04.200 I'm not going to make that poor choice then also live outside of my culture.

00:21:08.300 Like if I'm destitute or if I'm very poor, I'm not going to live outside of my culture.

00:21:12.580 You're going to still congregate with the people that share your skin color.

00:21:15.920 Right.

00:21:16.340 That's interesting, man.

00:21:17.280 I got to ask, what happened in your life that made you realize you were so popular with the black community?

00:21:24.320 Because I don't know another comedian.

00:21:26.260 I'll say this.

00:21:26.960 I don't know another comedian that's your age.

00:21:29.700 I don't even know your age, but I know you're older than me.

00:21:32.300 Yeah.

00:21:33.120 That's kind.

00:21:33.800 Thank you.

00:21:34.140 And I don't even know many that are my age that are able to perform for black audiences and fit in with black audiences like you do.

00:21:42.500 What made you realize that that was an audience that was for you?

00:21:47.080 There were a few things.

00:21:48.860 Some of them were based upon the business here in Los Angeles.

00:21:52.900 Some of them were largely associated with football because I played on a lot of all black teams.

00:21:58.720 Okay.

00:21:59.100 And I very much was comfortable with them and had a whole different idea than most white people do about when you really go to war with these guys, you see who they really are.

00:22:08.820 And all of the things you hear about how bad they are just disappear.

00:22:11.740 They're your brothers.

00:22:12.340 You'll die for them.

00:22:13.680 And then there's the other thing. 0.87

00:22:14.680 When I first started dabbling in black clubs, I saw like a 60-minute show.

00:22:20.440 And the guy that was talking said something about white people are terrified to talk about race. 0.89

00:22:26.420 And with black people, race is everything. 1.00

00:22:28.520 And the first thing I thought of was, well, I'm not afraid to talk about race.

00:22:31.520 And there's some kind of a vibe about me that I'm not trying to make myself out to be something mystical, but there's some kind of a vibe in the way I carry myself.

00:22:40.400 The black people look at me and they say, he doesn't hate us.

00:22:44.100 He isn't afraid of us.

00:22:45.740 He just seems like he's comfortable here.

00:22:47.440 And they pick up on that.

00:22:48.920 And I've always felt that way because I give that off because it is the way I feel.

00:22:51.900 I'm not afraid of them.

00:22:52.860 I don't hate them.

00:22:53.600 And I'm comfortable there.

00:22:54.460 Yeah.

00:22:56.600 All right.

00:22:57.340 So, Roger, I got to ask, are you black or white?

00:23:01.520 I would have to say I'm white on the outside and multicolored inside.

00:23:06.800 Okay.

00:23:08.120 Multicolored.

00:23:08.520 And what colors are we going to see in there if we were to crack you open?

00:23:10.860 You're going to crack me open.

00:23:11.720 I probably bleed red.

00:23:12.880 But a lot of me still identifies with black a lot.

00:23:16.220 I do.

00:23:16.620 I don't think I'm black.

00:23:17.620 I don't try to act black.

00:23:18.600 But I very much appreciate that culture.

00:23:20.800 There's parts of it I don't like.

00:23:22.120 But the major portion of it, what I love most about it is the indomitable spirit. 0.95

00:23:27.540 They refuse to be unhappy no matter how many times or ways they get fucked culturally. 0.66

00:23:32.440 They always see the upside. 0.99

00:23:34.280 You know, it's interesting because I sometimes feel like sometimes I'm like, do black people even feel bad?

00:23:40.460 Like, do they even feel sad?

00:23:43.500 You know, like because black people are always pretty upbeat or level. 1.00

00:23:47.680 And sometimes I've – and maybe I've mistook in it as that black people just – do they not have those feelings? 0.86

00:23:56.600 I would say without even knowing what the statistics are, but if you looked at them, they probably got the lowest suicide rate.

00:24:02.640 I have to think so.

00:24:03.400 They always find a reason to keep trying, keep fighting, something to be happy about.

00:24:07.000 Wow.

00:24:07.260 Something to see an upside with.

00:24:08.620 Most positive culture.

00:24:09.960 I remember when I first started playing black clubs, it was at a really low point in my life.

00:24:13.780 I'd gone through a bad romance, I was more poverty stricken than I'd ever been, my career didn't seem to be going anywhere, and I'm playing in black clubs.

00:24:21.080 And I'm in these really low, low, low income neighborhoods, and I'm being as kind as I can and seeing comics that I knew were living in cars and living in very poor conditions.

00:24:32.740 And they would get on stage and say something like, I woke up today, the sun hit my face, it's a beautiful thing to be alive. 0.96

00:24:38.020 And I'm thinking, what the fuck is wrong with me? 0.93

00:24:40.380 That if this guy can see life that way, where did I go wrong? 0.99

00:24:43.100 What's so bad about my life?

00:24:44.560 Wow.

00:24:45.120 Real positivity.

00:24:46.340 Yeah.

00:24:47.040 And you play football with them and you really get it.

00:24:49.080 They never – they're your brothers. 0.89

00:24:50.020 And the other thing I noticed on the football scene is that you would get on these 14-hour bus drives we sometimes had to take, and the white guys would all be sitting around, bored, shitless, maybe reading a book, but most of the time just staring at the front seat. 0.94

00:25:04.100 And the blacks are in back playing dominoes and playing spades and cards, yucking it up, laughing it up, high-fiving. 1.00

00:25:10.100 They always were fucking having more fun than we were, and I started hanging around with them. 0.99

00:25:14.280 Yeah. 1.00

00:25:15.020 Why do black people have more fun than white people? 1.00

00:25:16.960 Because I – yeah, like the most fun sometimes white people, it seemed like – like white people would be like, you know, like, ooh-ooh, you know, like I'm having a good time, you know? 0.94

00:25:26.680 But like black people will really – like you know if they're having a good time. 0.98

00:25:31.800 And they usually are. 0.96

00:25:33.360 They can get a big kick out of a very small thing.

00:25:36.040 Yeah.

00:25:36.340 And that's – what's really funny culturally is some of the times something that you and I would say to each other if we were just kind of exchanging insults in a friendly way, that it wouldn't be anything particularly funny, but it's something their culture has never heard. 0.99

00:25:52.300 Like I called this guy, you snot-nosed little bitch, and that just killed him. 1.00

00:25:56.660 You snot-nosed little bitch. 1.00

00:25:58.340 Just they'd never heard a man call another man a snot-nosed little bitch. 1.00

00:26:02.420 But now some of the names that they come up with that you and I never heard of, you roll on the floor. 1.00

00:26:07.940 It's a – where the fuck did you put that combination of words together? 1.00

00:26:12.180 Now, a lot of white guys are afraid to make love to black women because I feel like – because black women, they fuck back, I feel like, you know? 1.00

00:26:20.460 Like white women, it seems like you kind of fuck them, you know? 1.00

00:26:23.740 But black women, it really seems like they fuck back, you know? 1.00

00:26:28.880 Like they got that real attack pussy at times. 1.00

00:26:31.300 Do you ever feel like that? 1.00

00:26:32.760 Well, you've been with black girls growing up where you did, I'm sure.

00:26:35.600 No.

00:26:36.100 I was with one black girl who had like some crazy mirrors on her ceiling and stuff out here, and that may have been the only one I can't remember at this moment.

00:26:45.100 The culture in general is very aggressive in the way that they do the flirting and the dating game.

00:26:52.120 It's very different than ours.

00:26:53.220 Very, very different.

00:26:54.800 I mean they're just very aggressive, male and female.

00:26:57.320 If they want you, they'll let you know, and they'll make it very clear you're stepping over the line, or you're very welcome.

00:27:02.500 Come on board.

00:27:03.280 Right.

00:27:03.820 It's a very demonstrative thing once again.

00:27:06.160 That's the way they are.

00:27:07.020 Yeah.

00:27:07.460 Culture.

00:27:07.920 I mean when I say they, I hate to say that.

00:27:09.520 Like them, all them people.

00:27:11.020 No, but look, we're talking about black and white culture.

00:27:12.720 We're talking about a culture.

00:27:13.800 Yeah, exactly.

00:27:14.620 That's been my experience.

00:27:15.860 That when a sister wants to get with you, there's no guesswork.

00:27:18.340 She'll let you know.

00:27:18.960 Wow.

00:27:19.500 She'll definitely let you know.

00:27:20.520 And do you have any tips for like a white guy who's trying to get with some sisters out there or really trying to test some of the black women and see if they have a chance with some?

00:27:29.860 Do you have any guidance there?

00:27:31.620 It depends on what you're trying to get with.

00:27:33.700 If you're just trying to get laid, all you need is a lot of money.

00:27:36.380 Yeah.

00:27:36.860 That would probably work and spend a lot of money. 0.97

00:27:38.900 Because that's for any woman. 0.98

00:27:39.900 That's for any woman. 1.00

00:27:40.780 That's the ultimate equalizer.

00:27:42.260 If you're looking to kind of fit in, the first thing that you want to do is just be real.

00:27:46.620 Be you.

00:27:47.160 That's going to work best.

00:27:48.840 Be real. 0.78

00:27:49.140 If you try to act black, there couldn't be a bigger turnoff. 0.96

00:27:52.060 Yeah.

00:27:53.220 Why is it that I feel like a lot of the younger black comics now couldn't make it in a black room?

00:28:00.900 Younger black comics, you mean such as the ones you see in a mainstream club?

00:28:05.460 Yeah.

00:28:05.660 Because they've geared their act towards a white audience.

00:28:09.660 They've geared their act to cross over to a white audience and done material that is very different from the culture that they come from most of the time.

00:28:18.800 Or there's suburb blacks that are more comfortable in the white culture because they're not familiar with the hood. 0.71

00:28:24.260 Right.

00:28:25.020 That's often the case as well. 0.67

00:28:26.380 A suburb black has almost as much disconnect to the black culture as you and I do.

00:28:30.580 Why is it hard even like, I mean, I grew up in like a white hood, you know?

00:28:34.300 I mean, it was, you know, we were right on, we shared, you know, we're right next to the poor black neighborhood was the poor white neighborhood.

00:28:41.500 I mean, there wasn't, we all rode the same school buses together.

00:28:44.780 Um, why is it that it's hard to let go of the hood for people?

00:28:53.860 Do you feel like even if they transcend class or environment, why does like the hood like stick to you? 0.85

00:29:00.260 Do you know what I'm talking about at all?

00:29:01.360 I surely do.

00:29:02.200 And it is a phenomenon that's very difficult for us to understand.

00:29:05.820 And it's something that I think there's a part of it that they like the idea that this is something I rose up from and the friends that I have left behind are now my entourage and my fan club.

00:29:19.500 And the people that I know that I can trust to have the most connection towards like Biggie, when he was at his apex, a lot of times he said he found himself daydreaming about what was going on in the hood.

00:29:30.200 And here's a guy living in penthouse, private jet level wealth.

00:29:34.880 And he was wondering what are the homies doing on the streets?

00:29:38.060 Yeah.

00:29:38.200 And that's just something that is a very difficult thing to disconnect from.

00:29:42.140 Yeah.

00:29:42.600 And I guess because maybe life's so real out there, like, you know, I felt like even in our neighborhood, life was very real for us.

00:29:48.340 Because we all spent time together outdoors, you know, like there wasn't anything going on indoors except like fighting, you know, the air.

00:29:55.000 We couldn't run the air conditioner.

00:29:56.360 So it was like it wasn't even comfortable to be indoors.

00:29:58.700 So everybody was outdoors.

00:30:00.000 And that's where, you know, you just got acclimated in your environment.

00:30:04.820 You were really in your environment.

00:30:06.800 Right.

00:30:07.020 You know, you didn't just meet up for like play dates like kids do now and stuff like that.

00:30:10.760 I mean, we spent our lives outdoors.

00:30:13.240 Absolutely.

00:30:13.660 Yeah.

00:30:14.040 That's one thing you don't see that much of anymore, particularly in white culture.

00:30:17.760 Yeah.

00:30:18.340 I mean, could you imagine probably in the home you grew up in that on a nice, bright, sunshiny day, you're sitting on the couch playing with your Xbox. 0.99

00:30:25.280 My mom and dad would have said, get the fuck outside and go play. 0.99

00:30:28.780 Yeah. 1.00

00:30:28.960 You're not sitting around on that thing all day.

00:30:31.180 Yeah.

00:30:31.600 Yeah.

00:30:31.940 No, yeah.

00:30:32.320 It would have been or given us a set amount of time, but then it's time to go.

00:30:35.780 Then it's time to go.

00:30:36.680 Exactly.

00:30:37.180 Yeah.

00:30:37.420 You guys need to get outside and didn't even really keep tabs.

00:30:39.920 I think now everybody's just scared of like kidnappers, you know, like I was talking about and pedophiles of attacking children, you know, and stuff like that.

00:30:47.540 Yeah.

00:30:47.980 To not even enjoy years of playing outside because of maybe one pedophile, that seems intense to me. 0.99

00:30:54.520 And it really is a sad thing that we have come to that, such as now we're living in a culture that has swung once again with that pendulum too far in one direction where you'll see a parent smack their kid in the ass in the grocery market. 0.99

00:31:07.340 And then 15 minutes later, Child Protective Services is at their front door and they're child abusers. 0.98

00:31:12.540 That was not part of our lives growing up.

00:31:14.840 No.

00:31:14.980 And the kind of thing about walking to and from school at the age of, say, six years old, a six-year-old kid walking to and from school by himself right now, the police are going to show up.

00:31:24.720 Yeah.

00:31:24.960 And they're probably going to harass the parents.

00:31:26.700 There's some kind of child endangerment.

00:31:28.320 Christ, we did it all the time.

00:31:30.060 That was just part of it.

00:31:30.940 Now, I notice sometimes my tone of voice will change when I'm around black people, you know, if I'm around certain black people. 0.89

00:31:36.160 Some black people, it won't. 1.00

00:31:37.820 And maybe that's just nature of just acclimating to an environment.

00:31:41.720 What do you think about that?

00:31:42.740 Because I know this happens a lot with white people and black people.

00:31:45.480 As long as it's not overdone, it's something that I look at it that I get a little jargony because when I'm around Latinos, I speak a little bit of Spanish. 0.90

00:31:54.100 Yeah, I'll even pull on a Latino accent, a Mexican accent or a Spanish accent.

00:31:57.280 When I'm around – when anyone that you're around – if you're around a bunch of blue bloods, you're going to change your whole style. 1.00

00:32:02.440 Yeah. 0.99

00:32:02.640 All you have to really do to change your entire personality is put on a fucking suit sometime and walk out the door and immediately have a different attitude and a whole different demeanor about you. 1.00

00:32:11.600 Yeah, you feel like, shit, dude. 1.00

00:32:12.880 I might have a job. 0.99

00:32:13.880 Yeah.

00:32:15.060 We're all things to all people.

00:32:16.460 There's nothing wrong with it as long as you don't overdo it.

00:32:18.380 Yeah.

00:32:18.980 Yeah.

00:32:19.180 And is there like a kind of a – like what's a good starter kit for a kid these days who wants to kind of, you know, wig up a little and get into black culture?

00:32:30.080 What's a good starter kit kind of?

00:32:31.640 Like what does he need to know?

00:32:32.840 First thing is remember he's white and don't try to act black. 0.96

00:32:36.660 There couldn't be a bigger turnoff. 0.98

00:32:38.040 Right. 0.99

00:32:38.320 Remember you're white and don't try to act black. 0.99

00:32:39.820 And don't try to act black. 0.95

00:32:41.040 Don't try to come with the jargon.

00:32:42.740 Don't try to, what's up, yo?

00:32:44.240 What's up, son?

00:32:44.880 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:32:45.420 Son, you have to stop all that shit. 1.00

00:32:47.120 Yeah. 1.00

00:32:47.260 They can see right through it.

00:32:48.340 They can see right through it.

00:32:48.820 Yeah.

00:32:48.840 That's Seth Green.

00:32:49.580 That's like something Seth Green would do.

00:32:50.600 It's like a bad, bad impersonation of Seth Green.

00:32:54.560 And what else?

00:32:55.520 Like when it comes to like attire or anything like that, cologne, like is there any sort of, you know, any – what else do you need to know?

00:33:03.240 You know, like what else do you have to, you know, do you have to have?

00:33:08.180 Attitude.

00:33:08.580 What about an attitude?

00:33:09.900 Be real.

00:33:10.760 Be real.

00:33:11.240 Don't be afraid.

00:33:12.240 Yeah.

00:33:12.440 Be real.

00:33:12.840 Don't be afraid.

00:33:13.320 And that's the one thing that look a brother right in the face and say, what's up?

00:33:19.180 That'll get you miles because they're expecting you to stare at the ground. 1.00

00:33:22.560 They're expecting you to kiss their ass. 1.00

00:33:24.300 They're expecting you to giggle at everything they say. 1.00

00:33:26.420 Just what's up?

00:33:27.460 Talk to them.

00:33:28.020 Be a person.

00:33:29.520 Just be real.

00:33:30.100 Yeah.

00:33:30.360 Just be real.

00:33:30.920 Just be you.

00:33:31.440 That always works. 0.92

00:33:32.280 Blacks love real.

00:33:34.080 They love real.

00:33:35.120 You know what else they respect? 0.98

00:33:36.760 Balls.

00:33:38.560 Balls.

00:33:38.960 I have said some things on stage I cannot believe I said, and it was one of those, I

00:33:45.420 don't believe you said that, but it was funny type of laughs, and I got out of there alive

00:33:49.600 just fine.

00:33:50.480 Yeah.

00:33:50.640 But I've said some incredibly racy, etchy things.

00:33:53.540 But again, one more of the thing is, and believe me, I'm not trying to come off like

00:33:57.560 I'm the great me, but I am known to the other white comics when they come into the club

00:34:03.420 and they see what I do, and they're newer and they're trying to cross over, and they see

00:34:07.720 what I do, and they think, oh, that's it.

00:34:09.360 All you have to do is be really edgy and be really over the, uh-uh.

00:34:12.500 You've got to know where the lines are, and I found them out the hard way just like

00:34:16.340 anybody else has to.

00:34:17.780 That's the urban update right there from the white side. 0.77

00:34:20.960 From the white guy, yes.

00:34:22.020 The bridge to Terra, the bridge to Blackabithia.

00:34:25.760 That's kind of what you are a little bit for us, man.

00:34:28.380 You know, because you've been out there.

00:34:29.340 You're learning, man.

00:34:30.280 Learning is the best way to put it.

00:34:32.240 Part of the culture, absolutely not.

00:34:34.300 I always say the same thing to the newer white comics when they come into the club. 0.96

00:34:38.080 This is what you need to remember.

00:34:39.740 Act like you're a guest in somebody's home because you are, because when these black comics 1.00

00:34:43.860 go to the mainstream clubs, they get treated like shit. 1.00

00:34:47.020 So don't act like you have some entitlement to be on the stage. 1.00

00:34:50.420 Act like you're a guest in someone's home.

00:34:53.180 It's interesting.

00:34:53.900 I think that's a great thing to remember for almost no matter where we are, you know, but

00:34:58.000 especially, yeah, culturally, you know.

00:35:00.660 We still have to remember that there's, you know, even though we're all Americans, that

00:35:03.760 there's a lot of like, there's a lot of cultural differences, you know.

00:35:06.480 Gigantic.

00:35:07.440 Gigantic at all.

00:35:08.300 And to say the other thing is that we all don't, we all, when people say the term that

00:35:12.960 we're all racist, I don't believe in that because, again, I've said for the umpteenth

00:35:16.180 time, there's one race, the human race.

00:35:18.360 Yeah.

00:35:18.740 But I think we all are guilty of prejudice, those of us that are going to be honest.

00:35:23.800 Prejudice, the root of which is prejudge.

00:35:25.820 We all see somebody of a different culture and prejudge them in some way or another consciously

00:35:31.720 or unconsciously.

00:35:32.740 For example, you're on a plane, somebody walks in with a turban. 0.57

00:35:37.500 What do you think?

00:35:38.580 A turban of what? 0.87

00:35:39.900 Meaning that they walk in with a burka. 1.00

00:35:43.460 They walk in with a scarf.

00:35:44.760 Oh, a headpiece.

00:35:45.040 Yeah, you walk in with something.

00:35:46.080 I'm thinking of a, I don't know what I'm thinking of.

00:35:48.560 Yeah, but you see somebody that's clearly from the Middle East.

00:35:51.360 What's the first thing you're thinking?

00:35:52.680 Oh, yeah, they're probably hiding jewels or something.

00:35:55.920 Or they got a bomb or it's Haji that's going to hijack the plane with a razor blade or 1.00

00:36:00.400 who knows what.

00:36:01.000 But you're not thinking.

00:36:02.400 And I certainly have prejudgings towards people that aren't necessarily non-white skin. 0.87

00:36:07.260 I prejudge the Russian culture. 1.00

00:36:09.540 Oh, yeah.

00:36:10.000 Quite a bit.

00:36:10.540 I do that now.

00:36:11.460 Oh, yeah, I do everyone.

00:36:12.900 I stereotype everyone for sure.

00:36:14.440 I stereotype.

00:36:15.220 I'm a stereotypist.

00:36:16.120 I mean, I'd be a stenographer.

00:36:17.720 You know, I mean, I do.

00:36:20.400 And some of the stereotypes are good and accurate because it gives you healthy ways to approach

00:36:23.360 people.

00:36:24.440 But yeah, when you, I guess, going to a place of judgment sometimes can be, you know, it

00:36:29.080 can be dangerous because you might not get, you might not get the full opportunity out

00:36:35.620 of an opportunity.

00:36:36.380 What it does is it'll make you a better person, just like I think we've discussed anything.

00:36:42.940 I won't say anything out of school, but we're at least both familiar with 12-step groups.

00:36:47.220 Yeah.

00:36:47.360 And the first chance anybody has to ever beat an addiction is they must be able to look

00:36:52.000 to a crowd and say, hi, my name is blank.

00:36:54.380 I am an alcoholic.

00:36:55.400 Yeah.

00:36:55.560 And once you recognize, hi, my name is Roger, and I have prejudice towards other people.

00:37:00.280 And that's your first chance to give yourself at least a fighting opportunity to overcome

00:37:05.740 it and recognize when you're doing it.

00:37:07.420 And the first thing that I can think of is I had a Corvette back in, because it was in

00:37:12.880 98, I had a Corvette that literally caught fire with me inside of it in a pouring down

00:37:18.480 rainstorm.

00:37:19.080 I barely got to the freeway exit, barely got out of the car alive with the thing almost

00:37:24.560 in bursting flames.

00:37:26.560 And it was pouring down rain.

00:37:27.900 It was in the middle of Oakland. 0.54

00:37:29.360 I ran two blocks and I looked like a wet, soaked rat into this liquor store.

00:37:34.180 I didn't have a dime in my pocket.

00:37:36.180 Everything was still in the car.

00:37:37.840 And two Middle Eastern guys that I would have been writing jokes about treated me like I

00:37:41.820 was a long, here, have a cup of coffee, use our phone blanket.

00:37:45.700 Don't worry, my friend, you can always buy another car. 0.99

00:37:48.180 And I felt like a piece of shit because of the way I often speak about that culture. 0.99

00:37:52.540 Wow. 1.00

00:37:53.000 So, you know, we all have to keep our minds open and recognize, yeah, I've got this in

00:37:56.380 me.

00:37:57.120 Yeah, because you never know when you're going to need someone of another culture.

00:37:59.640 You never know when you're going to need anyone else.

00:38:01.020 You never know when you're going to need to have a better opinion of yourself.

00:38:04.380 Yeah.

00:38:04.800 That's a good way to look at it.

00:38:06.260 Yeah.

00:38:06.900 That's a great way to look at it.

00:38:08.680 Well, that's it.

00:38:09.480 Roger Rod, I appreciate you coming in.

00:38:10.860 And people can find you if they want to support the tour, Blue Lives Matter.

00:38:15.080 Blue Lives Matter Comedy Tour.

00:38:16.700 Mm-hmm, Blue Lives Matter Comedy Tour.

00:38:18.560 Yes, and that's .com.

00:38:19.900 And I'm at Roger Rod on Twitter and on Instagram and Facebook, same thing.

00:38:26.080 R-O-G-E-R-R-O-D-D. 1.00

00:38:28.420 R-O-G-E-R-R-O-D-D, all one word.

00:38:30.560 Yeah.

00:38:31.380 So you guys check them out.

00:38:32.280 The oldest wigger in the game here with us today. 1.00

00:38:35.620 And one of my favorite comedians to watch, man.

00:38:38.420 Dude, I appreciate what you do, man.

00:38:39.760 As I really do feel like, you know, you're helping people realize that we can learn, man, you know?

00:38:51.660 Well, as much as I appreciate you for having me on this show, you are very accomplished, certainly a lot further along in this game than I am.

00:38:59.260 And for you to have brought me on board is a big honor.

00:39:01.540 Well, I hope I'm able to sit there one day and be able to rehash so many good stories and have such a good attitude about my career and just about myself and about what's going on and to be able to inspire other people to, you know, to think.

00:39:14.100 They don't have to think differently, but at least inspire them to start by thinking, you know?

00:39:17.640 I think you do that already.

00:39:19.080 Thanks, man.

00:39:19.620 I appreciate it.

00:39:20.260 Appreciate you.

00:39:21.320 All right.

00:39:21.620 We'll be right back.

00:39:22.520 We're going to get some of you guys' questions.

00:39:25.100 We've got some great ones on this Mother's Day episode this past weekend.

00:39:29.360 All right.

00:39:34.260 Let's get to some callers.

00:39:36.120 Guys, I'm so thankful for the calls.

00:39:38.980 Just the questions.

00:39:40.020 I'm going to try to do another episode this week for Wednesday or Thursday.

00:39:43.500 It's just a lot, but I'm going to try.

00:39:46.140 And it's just a lot because, you know, I've got to pay somebody to edit it.

00:39:49.980 And I've got to just to piece it together.

00:39:51.960 There's just a lot of stuff that goes into it.

00:39:54.120 I've got to rent a studio if I need the studio.

00:39:56.940 So there's just a lot of little things that go into it.

00:39:59.480 But I'm overwhelmed with the amount of calls and questions and inquiries.

00:40:06.200 And I just want to say you're welcome.

00:40:08.580 A lot of people have said thank you.

00:40:10.520 I don't feel like I'm doing anything.

00:40:15.960 I feel like I'm kind of a conduit of just trying to make an effort.

00:40:21.640 You know, like, I think a lot of my life I feel like I, I don't know if I felt like I haven't been a good person.

00:40:30.740 But I feel like I've just thought about myself.

00:40:34.780 And, you know, I don't want to be that way always.

00:40:39.660 You know, sometimes selfishness is a, it's a disease a little bit, you know, because it's, sometimes you're selfish.

00:40:51.500 You know, I think I was selfish growing up because I was just worried that if I didn't think about myself, that nobody was going to be.

00:41:03.360 And I may have said this before, but it's just kind of resonating with me right now.

00:41:10.340 Like, I think I was, you know, I was selfish because I was worried.

00:41:15.240 I was afraid.

00:41:16.280 Like, if, if I don't think about me, then nobody is going to be thinking about me in the world.

00:41:22.300 And when you're a kid, that's a scary, that's the scariest thing in the world.

00:41:27.640 You know, to think that no one's going to be thinking about you.

00:41:30.620 Um, that just, you know, I don't know anything more hurtful to a child probably than to feel, than to feel that no one is going to be thinking about them, that they're unthought of.

00:41:44.720 Um, and so I think I definitely developed some selfishness there as a child.

00:41:49.000 You know, I was just worried that if I wasn't thinking about me, that no one was.

00:41:53.100 And then you get addicted to that.

00:41:54.740 You just get used to it.

00:41:55.740 It becomes a habit.

00:41:56.900 I have to think about me, you know, as a child.

00:42:00.200 But then as an adult, you're just still stranded with this habit that's not serving you anymore.

00:42:05.280 Um, and to, to get out of that, I have to do things for other people.

00:42:10.520 And I'm still learning that.

00:42:11.940 And I got to try harder.

00:42:14.020 Um, but it is nice to know that some of you guys think that this podcast is helping to do that because it makes me feel a little less selfish or it makes me feel like I'm battling that leftover bad habit of, um, of just being self-serving.

00:42:29.500 You know, and especially I live in a self-serving city.

00:42:32.400 Um, you know, I have a self-serving job.

00:42:34.940 I feel like people say my job brings laughter to people, but you know, it's hard not to feel like, like that.

00:42:41.440 It's just for me sometimes or I don't know, but, uh, but I love you and I appreciate the calls.

00:42:46.900 And, uh, and I'm grateful, man.

00:42:49.080 There's so many nice messages and stuff.

00:42:50.400 I wish I could play every one for you and I'm gonna try to slowly incorporate them.

00:42:53.380 I save them all.

00:42:54.780 So when they'll fit in, they'll fit in.

00:42:57.000 But, um, but let's get to some calls.

00:42:59.180 Um, we do have some female listeners out there and they're growing. 1.00

00:43:02.640 Our female listener population is growing and I'm excited about that. 0.81

00:43:05.920 And, and we had, uh, we had some callers calling about the first time they touched a little bit of crotch.

00:43:12.020 And when you touch crotch as a child, you know, that's, that is, it's like, I mean, I can't, it's like, it's just like somebody have, you ever see, have like a friend, you know,

00:43:28.520 you ever have to see those mitten packets that keep your hands warm.

00:43:31.760 It's like a special packet that you buy that you put into a mitten or a, if you have a bag or something, you'll put your hands in a bag, but it's cold in the bag.

00:43:41.320 They got these little heat warmer packets that you can break kind of, or bend and it cracks something inside of them.

00:43:47.840 And it makes heat, free heat, small, small amount of heat.

00:43:52.300 And people put those in their mittens or their socks or whatever.

00:43:55.440 And those things warm.

00:43:56.540 They just, it's this intense warm.

00:43:58.820 It's almost like this atomic little slice of rock.

00:44:03.280 Well, that's what it's like for a boy.

00:44:05.460 I felt like the first time you get near that crotch area on a female, you know, the first time you get your hand up near that little female water spout, you know, you just, um, you know, that flat water spout, really, I should say. 1.00

00:44:21.360 It just, you're fired up. 0.98

00:44:23.320 I mean, cause that's just, I mean, it's the really, it's the first time, I mean, you came out of a vagina as a child and then as a teenager or whenever you get to touch some crotch, it's the first time you get back there. 0.98

00:44:34.300 So you've really just been wandering around for a long time away from your, you know, your shuttle bus, you know, the shuttle bus that brought you into existence, the female crotch. 1.00

00:44:47.740 Um, and this is almost oddly kind of fitting for Mother's Day because we all came out of a mother, you know, most of us anyway, unless somebody made you somewhere.

00:44:57.460 But let's get to the call right now.

00:44:58.800 Uh, we got Robin in Atlanta calling us, uh, and you are on the line, Robin.

00:45:07.300 Ooh, I'm nervous.

00:45:08.580 Uh, C.O. Vaughn.

00:45:09.840 My name's Robin.

00:45:10.640 I'm from Atlanta.

00:45:11.700 Ooh, she got a nice voice, huh?

00:45:12.940 You like that? 0.95

00:45:13.800 They used to have these phone sex lines. 1.00

00:45:15.600 They might have them.

00:45:17.080 We could call up at night and spend a bunch of your parents' money and, uh, listen to people talk about dirtiness on the air.

00:45:24.200 And does she have a nice voice like those ladies or it's her onward? 1.00

00:45:28.760 And I want to comment on about everything that you say, but, um, I wanted to comment specifically about the crotch touching. 0.97

00:45:36.360 Um, my first experience with having my crotch touched was.

00:45:40.880 Is this not exciting to everybody? 0.90

00:45:42.520 All of a sudden I'm just like, wow, this is exciting, dude.

00:45:45.680 Cause I want to know what girl's thinking onward.

00:45:48.960 Touched was in the sixth grade.

00:45:51.640 Ooh.

00:45:52.120 Naughty Robin Young.

00:45:55.640 Okay, sorry for interrupting a bunch.

00:45:57.420 Let's go on.

00:45:58.060 In the sixth grade, in my parents' backyard, in a refrigerator box with my boyfriend.

00:46:06.080 Wow.

00:46:07.560 A refrigerator box.

00:46:10.100 Well, um, this is already awesome.

00:46:13.200 Let me just say this is already awesome.

00:46:14.580 I will never, next time I see some kids making a space shuttle out of one of those boxes, I'll never, you know.

00:46:22.120 I'll never second guess that maybe they're up to more than that.

00:46:25.260 That's for sure.

00:46:26.560 Um, onward.

00:46:29.020 And I wasn't concerned about it being bad or nasty.

00:46:34.000 It seemed pretty natural.

00:46:36.780 Um, but I was concerned because I, I knew his hands were dirty and that they might be salty and that, um.

00:46:45.720 Salty hands? 0.79

00:46:47.880 Yeah.

00:46:48.380 I mean, that's a concern.

00:46:49.440 I mean, I mean, it is a concern.

00:46:51.300 It's your concern.

00:46:51.980 And I appreciate you sharing it with us.

00:46:53.700 I mean, this is an intimate story.

00:46:55.680 Um, but yeah, I guess you could worry if they got salt, something gets up there. 0.99

00:47:02.080 You know, you don't want a bunch of, you know, you don't want, you don't want things to start to pearl inside of your vagina. 1.00

00:47:06.880 And I don't know if that can occur or not. 0.97

00:47:09.140 But yeah, I guess if you get a little bit of salt in there, it could start to pearl up over by the time you're about, you know.

00:47:15.120 I mean, that's probably about 12th grade.

00:47:16.400 I think it takes about six years for something to, um, to pearlize.

00:47:20.500 Anyway, onward.

00:47:22.260 Uh, that concerned me a little bit.

00:47:24.060 But it didn't, it didn't end up stinging or anything.

00:47:27.140 Um, it did make me feel funny for about a week.

00:47:32.200 You know, just funny mentally.

00:47:33.900 I felt like I had crossed some threshold.

00:47:37.200 Um, and there's a question for you.

00:47:39.960 What's the definition of fingering?

00:47:43.600 Huh.

00:47:45.020 Wow.

00:47:45.640 So I, well, first of all, it made her feel funny for like a week.

00:47:49.000 She said, that's interesting.

00:47:50.560 I do remember feeling like I'd crossed some sort of threshold.

00:47:54.520 Because you don't have, all you have is a million mental images and ideas and GIFs, I guess.

00:48:04.680 Or GIFs, those little, like, video images that they have now.

00:48:08.700 But back in the time, we used to call them memories.

00:48:10.660 It was like a, or ideas.

00:48:12.600 It was like a quick idea you had in your head of something.

00:48:14.920 And those are kind of like the GIFs that we have now, I feel like. 0.84

00:48:17.980 You know, um, you'd have like this quick idea of maybe what a crotch was like.

00:48:23.440 Or what, you know, um, but the fact that it was salty. 0.84

00:48:29.000 And that, and then, and, but then once you found out, once you found out what a crotch was like. 0.84

00:48:33.180 I lost my train of thought. 0.85

00:48:34.120 Once you found out what a crotch was like, you, yeah, you knew. 0.72

00:48:38.400 You had this knowledge then.

00:48:40.140 You had this, you know, you'd opened up this universe.

00:48:44.720 You know, it's like you'd gotten, like, a special warp zone or a special sword on Zelda or something.

00:48:52.800 Um, anyway, let's go back to Robin's call.

00:48:56.600 Thank you for the call, Robin.

00:48:58.020 Fingering. 0.99

00:48:59.000 Is fingering, when you put your finger in the vagina, is that technically the, the definition? 1.00

00:49:06.200 Is that also third base? 1.00

00:49:07.940 Or is fingering just touching and feeling around on the vagina? 1.00

00:49:13.140 Huh. 1.00

00:49:14.580 You know, I think fingering is, I think fingering is the, yes, you got to go fingers in.

00:49:20.260 You know, you got to be checking levels there.

00:49:22.680 You got to be Mark Twain.

00:49:23.900 And, um, for anybody that knows anything about sea depth or river depth, you got to be, you know, you got to be really, uh, digiting.

00:49:33.700 Getting a little bit of a stenographer's practice, if you will.

00:49:38.000 Um, yeah, I think it's got to be fingers in.

00:49:42.800 And does it have to be one finger or two fingers?

00:49:45.340 I guess it just has to be one.

00:49:47.660 You know, two fingers is always crazy, too. 0.99

00:49:50.740 Like, I remember there were times, you know, personally, I'd put two fingers in a woman's vagina and be like, is this okay or am I being crazy? 0.99

00:50:00.780 Like, am I a crazy guy? 0.99

00:50:02.280 You know, but I do remember, Robin, that, that was a thing for guys.

00:50:07.900 It was like, how many fingers, bro? 0.99

00:50:10.100 It was like, if you touch, it wasn't enough then that you had touched a vagina or that you would put a finger into a local vagina. 0.99

00:50:17.160 It was that you then had to do more fingers. 0.97

00:50:20.140 It was, oh, what about, oh, she could take three fingers. 0.78

00:50:23.000 Like, it became this weird, you know, other thing, this bigger thing then.

00:50:27.960 It was just, it's like everything.

00:50:29.480 It's like once it happens, something happens, more has to happen.

00:50:32.940 You know, you get, you need a bigger fix.

00:50:36.320 But I feel like, yeah, that's third base was fingering. 0.99

00:50:40.540 And then as you grow more adult, you realize that there's more action out, there's, there's more action for the female outside of the vagina. 1.00

00:50:48.340 You know, inside, you're basically just looking for something that's outside. 0.82

00:50:51.620 You know, it's like whenever you, you bring your keys out to the car and you leave and you have them in there, but you don't realize you have them in there and you think you left them inside.

00:50:59.800 Then you go back inside looking for your keys.

00:51:02.300 It's just like that.

00:51:03.700 It's like you go back and it's like you keep, you're inside a woman feeling around trying to get her that pleasure.

00:51:10.380 But really the pleasure is already outside.

00:51:13.020 You passed the pleasure.

00:51:13.920 You had the pleasure.

00:51:15.020 You just didn't realize you had it.

00:51:16.780 So that's either a great analogy or a horrible analogy.

00:51:20.400 I can't even tell.

00:51:21.460 It's 1.30 in the morning.

00:51:22.520 But let's listen to the rest of Robin's question or call.

00:51:25.520 And is that considered Thursdays?

00:51:27.620 What's your opinion about it?

00:51:29.180 Love your show.

00:51:31.160 I don't think you need any guests.

00:51:33.360 I can, I really like to listen to you ramble on whatever state you're in.

00:51:38.700 You are a great philosopher.

00:51:41.400 And you know, dude, sometimes really funny people are just dark. 0.76

00:51:48.620 I hope she doesn't mean black. 1.00

00:51:51.320 She could be a Mike Epps fan.

00:51:53.660 I am a Mike Epps fan.

00:51:55.380 I will say that.

00:51:56.240 I appreciate the nice words, Robin.

00:52:00.180 You know, I don't know.

00:52:01.320 I mean, I appreciate you saying I'm really funny.

00:52:03.720 I appreciate all the nice things you said.

00:52:04.980 I appreciate your call.

00:52:05.920 It was a cool call.

00:52:06.640 Very real.

00:52:07.840 You know, you shared some real thoughts there.

00:52:10.880 Yeah, I don't know if comedians are just dark.

00:52:12.560 People ask me that a lot.

00:52:14.340 Are you just dark?

00:52:15.200 I don't know.

00:52:16.460 I don't know if comedians are that way.

00:52:18.600 But I do know that there, that I have some type of affliction in me where I get depressed.

00:52:24.580 You know, and I battle it much better these days.

00:52:28.220 You know, like this week, I did make some choices.

00:52:31.960 I went out.

00:52:32.920 I didn't want to go to yoga.

00:52:34.180 And I went.

00:52:35.240 And I didn't want to go to the gym.

00:52:37.700 And I went.

00:52:39.160 And it made me feel better.

00:52:42.160 Whereas there were times before, I'm like, I'm just going to lay down.

00:52:44.480 I'm just going to rest.

00:52:45.320 I'm just going to sleep it off.

00:52:46.720 And maybe I would take some naps.

00:52:47.960 But I would just set my alarm.

00:52:49.440 And I'd get back up.

00:52:50.840 And I made some better choices.

00:52:52.820 And it was hard.

00:52:54.820 It was hard.

00:52:55.580 There were times where I did not want to make that choice.

00:52:57.560 But yeah, I think back to your question, Robin, or back to your inquiry.

00:53:00.380 It's third base. 0.97

00:53:01.380 That's touch and crotch. 0.99

00:53:03.400 But the weird thing is for guys, it's just the third base only goes one way.

00:53:08.160 It's not like it doesn't matter what the girl does to you.

00:53:12.300 You know, the third base just only goes one way.

00:53:15.320 And I remember, and I'll tell you, the first time I, you know, the first time that I touched a girl,

00:53:22.060 a gal's crotch, my buddy and I had a sleepover over here out in North, like Franklinton, Louisiana. 0.85

00:53:31.580 I mean, small town. 0.98

00:53:34.140 I don't even know where it was.

00:53:35.200 It's really just a bunch of people that are lost.

00:53:38.000 And there's so many of them that they called it a town.

00:53:40.640 Like it's that rural.

00:53:43.160 And we were out there on a double date.

00:53:44.680 And some gal had a trailer out there. 1.00

00:53:46.440 And her mother or stepmother, I don't know if she had a mother or father,

00:53:49.620 but she might have had a stepmother who was out of town. 0.98

00:53:51.140 Somebody was out of town.

00:53:52.980 And we were over there.

00:53:55.340 And everybody was touching crotch, you know.

00:53:58.820 And the girl I was with, though, was doing, she had menstrual activities going on.

00:54:04.240 So I couldn't be a part of it. 0.96

00:54:05.720 I could just be the outside, just around her legs and crotch, just touching that heat. 0.90

00:54:10.320 But even that was huge. 0.99

00:54:11.540 Just even feeling on that area of a body and realizing that there was no cock right there, you know. 0.99

00:54:17.220 Because I was just used to my own area, where if I put my hands between my legs, cock. 1.00

00:54:22.980 I find cock right there. 1.00

00:54:25.200 But if it's a girl, no cock. 1.00

00:54:28.200 And that alone was a big enough change. 1.00

00:54:31.260 I mean, I was just erect as a damn, I mean, just as a bird beak. 0.99

00:54:36.460 I was hard as a damn cement bird beak. 0.99

00:54:39.820 And that was exciting. 0.99

00:54:41.820 I remember that.

00:54:43.140 And then I remember we went to a dance.

00:54:45.860 I think I've told this story before.

00:54:47.240 And this is a little profane.

00:54:49.280 But I'm going to be real.

00:54:50.060 Robin called in and she was real. 0.96

00:54:52.540 And we'd had a school dance and a buddy of mine had touched some crotch. 0.57

00:54:56.380 He'd finally, you know, gotten a third base. 0.99

00:54:59.660 You know, he was damn Ricky Henderson that night. 0.86

00:55:02.420 And he slid in a third base and the gal left and we were all fired up, you know. 0.98

00:55:09.040 Because one of us had finally gotten, you know, he was damn Neil Armstrong to us.

00:55:14.260 One of us had finally gotten to the moon, you know.

00:55:16.740 And so he's got his, you know, he's out there.

00:55:20.220 He's got his fingers out.

00:55:21.560 And my buddy's dad came out.

00:55:24.580 We're sitting around the fire.

00:55:26.840 And me, being an instigator, I told my buddy's dad what had happened.

00:55:31.700 You know, I just wanted everybody to be a part of what was going on.

00:55:35.600 And my buddy's dad started smelling my buddy's fingers.

00:55:39.740 We're in seventh or eighth grade, no older.

00:55:42.420 And my buddy's dad just started smelling my buddy's fingers over and over again.

00:55:47.580 And that was pretty baffling.

00:55:50.460 And he really kind of smelled them all up.

00:55:53.700 Like I remember at a certain point later, we tried to smell them and there was no smell left on them.

00:55:58.180 And I know that's dirty and I know that's profane.

00:56:01.280 But we are, you know, we're animals in a lot of ways.

00:56:04.640 We are fancy, fancy animals.

00:56:07.360 And I don't really believe that, I don't think.

00:56:09.440 But I do believe that, you know, we have some of the same likenesses as animals.

00:56:14.340 And so that's why we wanted to smell, you know, it's just one of the things.

00:56:17.920 You want to get that scent.

00:56:19.140 You want to know what's going on.

00:56:20.100 You're so curious.

00:56:22.180 You know, you're so curious.

00:56:23.480 But then later, I remember sleeping at my buddy's house and I looked out the window and his dad was out there still by that fire.

00:56:30.640 And his dad was masturbating out into that fire.

00:56:33.540 So that was pretty, that was pretty, pretty intense. 0.90

00:56:38.100 But onward, let's take another call here.

00:56:40.760 And we got another call. 0.98

00:56:42.580 This man calling in with some crotch from Texas. 0.97

00:56:47.580 Hey, Theo. 0.93

00:56:48.660 It's Michael from Patterson, California.

00:56:50.980 If you don't know where that is, it's centrally located.

00:56:56.360 Okay, not Texas.

00:56:58.000 Onward.

00:56:58.880 In the state.

00:56:59.740 But anyway, I was calling in to tell you about my first time I touched a lady part.

00:57:07.420 I was 18.

00:57:09.140 I guess that's a late bloomer, you could say.

00:57:12.300 I don't know if it's a late bloomer.

00:57:14.640 I don't know if it's a late bloomer, you know.

00:57:16.840 It isn't.

00:57:17.520 It's when you bloom, brother, you know.

00:57:19.340 I'm still late blooming on stuff.

00:57:20.760 I can barely use a calculator.

00:57:22.340 So, onward.

00:57:25.660 Anyway, it was this girl I knew from high school.

00:57:28.480 She was a year younger than me.

00:57:30.680 And we went to a party one night.

00:57:34.040 Not together.

00:57:34.880 She was there.

00:57:36.460 And, well.

00:57:38.200 Dude, I miss high school parties, dude.

00:57:40.820 Dude, if I could go back to high school now.

00:57:43.340 And, obviously, not be an adult, because I don't want to be some kind of pedophile, but be like a high school kid. 0.96

00:57:48.360 It was so easy to hook up with chicks. 1.00

00:57:51.500 You just had no idea.

00:57:53.240 That was a problem.

00:57:54.640 You had no idea.

00:57:55.900 You just couldn't see that the look in most girls' eyes was that they were curious.

00:58:01.080 We were just so scared as young boys, I felt like.

00:58:04.160 Anyway, onward.

00:58:04.800 Long story short, I left the party a little early.

00:58:08.820 Well, after dropping my buddy off, I was on my way back to my parents' house.

00:58:13.580 Almost there.

00:58:14.880 And I get a text message.

00:58:16.800 And she says,

00:58:17.600 Why'd you leave so early?

00:58:20.780 I was looking forward to hanging out with you.

00:58:23.460 Well, I don't really remember.

00:58:25.160 This was over 10 years ago.

00:58:26.700 So, I don't really remember what we said.

00:58:29.960 But, she... 1.00

00:58:32.020 So, she wanted you to come back to the party.

00:58:33.760 Okay.

00:58:34.300 Onward.

00:58:35.160 Parked out by the road.

00:58:36.460 This was out in the country.

00:58:37.820 Out in the boonies.

00:58:40.000 And she met me out by the road.

00:58:42.180 And, well, one thing led to another.

00:58:44.340 I popped down the tailgate to my 94 Chevy Silverado.

00:58:49.180 Oh! 0.60

00:58:50.940 God, this is beautiful, dude.

00:58:53.780 Onward!

00:58:55.040 Put her on the back and started making out. 1.00

00:58:59.000 And, uh, I went for it.

00:59:00.740 I can't get too fired up because they're chill.

00:59:02.760 They're only 18.

00:59:03.700 You know, I guess they're legal.

00:59:04.740 I can listen.

00:59:05.360 Go on.

00:59:06.360 Without getting too graphic.

00:59:07.800 I mean, I unbuttoned her pants. 1.00

00:59:09.460 Zipped them down.

00:59:10.020 Didn't take her pants all the way off. 0.99

00:59:11.980 Yeah. 0.98

00:59:12.340 You don't take her pants all the way off if you're going to finger her, bro. 1.00

00:59:15.180 Because that's creepy as fuck, dude. 1.00

00:59:17.960 Okay? 0.99

00:59:18.820 If you're the kind... 0.89

00:59:19.780 That's like the dude who pulls his pants all the way down in the bathroom to urinate.

00:59:25.180 You ever seen that boy when you were growing up?

00:59:27.800 They had some... 0.99

00:59:28.280 Always some creepy fucking pale-ass kid or some big black kid would have their pants all the way down to their feet. 1.00

00:59:38.400 And they're just peeing? 1.00

00:59:39.460 What the fuck? 1.00

00:59:40.860 Anyway, let's hear more. 1.00

00:59:42.340 But I put my hand down there and slipped a finger in her. 1.00

00:59:47.400 And the first thing...

00:59:48.680 Ooh! 0.96

00:59:49.520 Slipped a finger in her! 0.91

00:59:51.260 You heard him?

00:59:52.940 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, onward. 0.99

00:59:56.400 The first time slipping a finger in a girl, first thing I thought was, God damn, this is the wettest thing. 1.00

01:00:04.080 I wasn't expecting it to be so wet. 0.98

01:00:06.720 I mean, it was like a slip and slide.

01:00:08.500 I couldn't believe how wet it was.

01:00:11.080 I mean, that was the only thing that was going through my mind the whole time. 0.99

01:00:13.900 Damn, bro. 0.99

01:00:15.240 I'm just... 1.00

01:00:17.660 Why'd you grow up in a...

01:00:18.720 You must have grown up in a really dry county then.

01:00:22.240 Anyway, onward, dude.

01:00:23.480 That humidity, bruh.

01:00:25.240 Ah!

01:00:25.580 But anyway, so...

01:00:29.120 I'm going to say...

01:00:29.760 It was damp, bro.

01:00:31.520 I remember being like, whoa!

01:00:35.140 Whoa! 0.71

01:00:36.100 This thing has had its thirst quenched.

01:00:40.880 I do remember that.

01:00:41.980 Just being shocked.

01:00:42.900 Like, what is going on?

01:00:45.200 They're hiding water around here, you know?

01:00:48.680 Yeah, I do remember that, dude.

01:00:50.300 I do remember that.

01:00:51.080 And you still catch it occasionally with some older gals. 0.98

01:00:53.440 But some of now, it's like...

01:00:56.100 Some of it's like kind of shuffling a little bit of a deck of cards here on the outside.

01:01:01.300 It can get a little...

01:01:02.440 Get a little...

01:01:05.440 What do I want to say?

01:01:07.960 It can get a little...

01:01:09.440 Velvety on the outside.

01:01:12.400 Anyway, onward.

01:01:14.560 I mean, do you...

01:01:16.500 The first time you did it, were you surprised about how wet it was?

01:01:20.080 I mean, it was unbelievable.

01:01:22.240 It was unbelievable.

01:01:23.980 But, uh... 0.99

01:01:24.360 Damn! 0.99

01:01:25.740 Unbelievable! 1.00

01:01:27.080 You know what?

01:01:27.800 I think I was, man.

01:01:31.080 I think I was, you know?

01:01:35.040 I think I was just...

01:01:37.080 I remember it as being so erect, I thought I was going to faint.

01:01:40.520 Like, so much... 1.00

01:01:41.860 Because I have like a wide penis. 1.00

01:01:43.440 And so much blood ran to my penis that I just... 0.99

01:01:47.520 I always get a little bit faint whenever I get really erect. 0.96

01:01:50.440 So that's like an issue that I've had.

01:01:52.760 Kind of like one of those...

01:01:53.940 You ever see those goats that faint when they get scared?

01:01:56.680 Kind of like that. 0.92

01:01:57.440 I feel like I'm kind of like that sometimes with sex. 0.57

01:01:59.980 Onward. 0.81

01:02:00.680 But, um...

01:02:02.160 Anyway, that... 0.99

01:02:03.760 Ended up leading to my first blowjob. 0.99

01:02:06.340 Same gal, but... 0.99

01:02:07.760 That's a different story for another time.

01:02:09.780 But, uh...

01:02:10.980 But anyway, and one last thing...

01:02:13.100 One thing I didn't like heading back home was, you know, they...

01:02:17.600 You know, some people call it stink finger.

01:02:20.940 My fingers didn't really smell.

01:02:23.340 And I was kind of bummed out.

01:02:24.980 That was the only thing I was bummed out about.

01:02:26.560 They didn't smell.

01:02:27.520 And, uh...

01:02:27.820 To be honest, I... 0.99

01:02:29.380 I wanted to smell my fingers and go home and jerk off, but, uh... 1.00

01:02:32.220 Damn, bro! 1.00

01:02:33.600 You know what? 1.00

01:02:34.420 I gotta say this, man.

01:02:36.340 Thank you for calling.

01:02:38.380 You know?

01:02:39.400 Because, you know what?

01:02:40.560 People could say, oh, that's gross.

01:02:42.080 That's nasty.

01:02:42.760 You could say anything you want about this fellow's call right here.

01:02:46.520 But the truth is...

01:02:48.540 Is that this is what a lot of guys thought.

01:02:52.200 These are thoughts that a lot of guys have.

01:02:54.700 And Robin's call was...

01:02:56.120 It was unique because it was something that girls have. 0.99

01:02:58.560 It's that side of the story from them.

01:03:01.280 You know, you don't...

01:03:01.820 I don't get that side of the story.

01:03:03.100 I don't know.

01:03:04.460 Fascinated.

01:03:04.820 Fascinated by both of these calls.

01:03:07.300 Fascinated by the nostalgia of this second call.

01:03:11.640 And let me get his name again right here so I don't forget.

01:03:13.620 Hey, Theo.

01:03:14.380 It's Michael from Patterson, California.

01:03:17.280 Michael.

01:03:18.220 Yeah.

01:03:18.740 Michael.

01:03:19.760 Just fascinating.

01:03:21.000 Because, yeah.

01:03:22.040 I mean, you gotta...

01:03:23.240 I think that's called like a golden warlord or something.

01:03:26.120 If you don't get a scent on your finger from a woman. 1.00

01:03:29.340 Or a woman that doesn't have a scent in her crotch. 1.00

01:03:31.480 It's called like a golden warlord or like a... 0.99

01:03:33.820 I don't know what it's called.

01:03:35.860 Just like a dam.

01:03:37.800 I mean, it's definitely...

01:03:38.780 That's more bottled water than...

01:03:40.520 Sometimes you get the gals a little tap. 1.00

01:03:42.340 You know, you get more tap water out of them.

01:03:44.160 But that's beautiful, man.

01:03:46.500 You know, it's a beautiful story.

01:03:47.780 And it just...

01:03:48.240 I mean, I just love the fact that you pulled her pants down, dude. 1.00

01:03:54.940 That's fucking... 0.99

01:03:56.660 What? 1.00

01:03:57.420 Crazy, bro.

01:03:58.660 Love it.

01:03:59.280 Michael.

01:04:00.200 You're my hero this week, dude.

01:04:01.960 You just reminded me of what...

01:04:03.880 You know, of a time in my life.

01:04:06.460 You know? 0.54

01:04:06.820 Of being just around that cooter and just being unaware of what another person's crotch was like.

01:04:16.580 You know?

01:04:16.880 And just having just uncertainty and just that magic that was out in the universe.

01:04:22.480 And that's one thing that happens as we get older.

01:04:25.720 Like, we forget that we get used to things.

01:04:29.620 You know?

01:04:30.140 It's crazy. 0.98

01:04:30.840 When you think about how insane you were about touching a crotch of somebody else. 0.85

01:04:40.640 And then how now that's not...

01:04:42.660 I mean, it's still an issue, but it's not as much as it used to be.

01:04:45.700 Baffling.

01:04:46.260 Baffling amount of difference.

01:04:47.800 Thank you so much for that call, man.

01:04:49.240 Just to take me down memory lane.

01:04:50.420 I can't even remember if you had a question for me.

01:04:52.220 I don't even know if that was in there.

01:04:54.320 I'll listen back later, if so, and get back to you.

01:04:56.640 But just fascinating, man.

01:04:59.600 Just fascinating to go back to those days and just that heat.

01:05:03.220 It was like just that body heat coming off just that area of a woman was just fascinating.

01:05:09.480 And I remember one time getting down there and I couldn't tell what was going on. 0.98

01:05:12.760 I thought this one girl didn't even have a vagina. 1.00

01:05:15.520 I thought she just had a bunch of crazy, you know, skin activity. 1.00

01:05:21.160 God, I remember that.

01:05:22.340 Just like, what?

01:05:23.280 What is going on?

01:05:24.360 Where is this?

01:05:26.160 Very scary and very exciting.

01:05:28.080 Very fun being young, man.

01:05:31.700 Let's take one more call, man.

01:05:33.220 We're going to switch gears here.

01:05:34.760 And this one is from Walnut Creek, California.

01:05:38.620 Let's go.

01:05:39.400 Hey, what's up, Dio?

01:05:40.440 My name is Miles.

01:05:43.400 And I was just kind of wondering on, like, how you stay sober.

01:05:49.240 And, man, actually, I know, like, I have some other calls I want to get to more, but I'll try to do some this week.

01:05:55.800 I had a call coming in about sobriety that I do want to answer, but this is already going to be a long episode.

01:06:02.860 And so I just want to take a moment just to say thank you guys so much for being a part of the show, for calling in.

01:06:11.940 And we'll field whatever calls this week.

01:06:14.940 I might put into the Thursday episode some ideas for, you know, for coming up for other calls we can get.

01:06:21.520 I already have people that have left some voicemails about the future and questions.

01:06:25.000 And eventually we'll get it to call in where people can call in and we can talk live.

01:06:28.840 Even though I don't even know if I could have dealt live today with these calls today about the crotches. 0.99

01:06:33.880 Very fascinating, man.

01:06:35.140 Very fascinating.

01:06:36.960 And I just want to thank you guys so much, man.

01:06:39.720 I love you and I appreciate you.

01:06:42.480 And, yeah, and I just, man, I got some really nice calls and voicemails.

01:06:47.820 And I really, really appreciate it.

01:06:50.100 And I'm going to get to some of these questions.

01:06:55.180 You know, this one kid called about some sobriety stuff and I really want to get to it and I will.

01:06:59.420 I will get to it.

01:07:00.400 So hold on, buddy, you know.

01:07:03.020 I promise that I'll get to it and get it out this week.

01:07:06.000 Because I want to share with you whatever I can.

01:07:09.100 You know. 1.00

01:07:11.720 Fuck, do I need to get to it right now? 1.00

01:07:13.400 Let me get to it right now. 0.99

01:07:14.800 Because I'm going to feel bad if I don't, if I let this go.

01:07:19.320 Let's get it.

01:07:20.300 This is, this call.

01:07:22.680 I mean, it's changing the script.

01:07:23.800 You know, we've had like, you know, it's been, whatever.

01:07:26.260 Let's get to it.

01:07:26.880 Here we go.

01:07:27.300 This is from Walnut Creek, California.

01:07:29.960 Hey, what's up, Theo?

01:07:31.320 My name's, my name's Miles.

01:07:33.360 And I was just kind of wondering on like, how you stay sober.

01:07:40.520 Because I've been, I've been taking, you know, some pills here and there.

01:07:46.020 And it's really fun.

01:07:47.080 But, you know, it's, I feel like it's just sort of time to quit.

01:07:51.420 So I was just sort of wondering, like, advice on, on how to, how to deal, I guess, with, you know, being sober.

01:08:00.120 Because, you know, to be honest, it's really boring.

01:08:02.780 Like, oh my God, it's been a whole day.

01:08:06.260 You know, the day seems like two days and one now, now that I've been sober for, for a week.

01:08:12.280 And I was just wondering.

01:08:13.320 That's funny, man.

01:08:14.700 He said being sober is boring.

01:08:17.880 I mean, it's sad.

01:08:19.920 It's sad and perfect and everything.

01:08:23.880 Because it is.

01:08:24.900 It is kind of boring, man.

01:08:27.380 It's boring until you're able to start dealing with some of your feelings and what's going on and whatever made you start to, you know, over-treat yourself with medication.

01:08:39.400 Then it gets interesting, dude.

01:08:41.720 It gets interesting, man.

01:08:43.360 When feelings start coming back and you start, you start having feelings, man, you know, like when I'm talking about my mom earlier and I get, like, teared up, you know, like, that didn't used to happen to me, man.

01:08:59.480 You know, like, I wasn't able to access those feelings, dude.

01:09:02.300 When I, you know, when I see, like, you know, one of my friends posted a picture of her and her baby.

01:09:13.660 She has a new baby.

01:09:14.480 And I remember, like, a couple years ago, like, telling her, like, I almost was going to, like, we were almost deciding that we were going to have a baby together even though, like, we weren't in love or anything.

01:09:25.080 We just were maybe going to have a baby just because she's getting a little older and we've always been friends.

01:09:30.700 And we both wanted just, I thought she'd make a great mother because she's always been, like, a great friend.

01:09:36.460 And she has a baby now, dude, and I looked and saw a picture of her, you know, her first Mother's Day or something today. 0.99

01:09:43.340 Shit teared me up, dude. 0.99

01:09:46.700 So you'll have real feelings, man. 1.00

01:09:49.120 That's one thing.

01:09:50.040 That can be exciting, bro. 0.99

01:09:51.200 I know it sounds crazy and probably gay ass, you know, but it's exciting, bro. 0.99

01:09:57.560 But what was your question? 0.99

01:09:58.600 How do I stay sober?

01:10:00.320 I was just wondering, like, you know, I guess how you deal with it.

01:10:03.480 And I don't know if you've ever, you know, taken pills or anything like that.

01:10:07.940 But, you know, yeah, I was just wondering your advice.

01:10:11.380 I like the show and I actually just got your album, so keep it up, man.

01:10:15.980 Wow, man.

01:10:16.340 Thank you for the support.

01:10:18.040 Let me catch your name again.

01:10:19.160 I'm sorry.

01:10:20.820 Hey, what's up, Theo?

01:10:21.880 My name's Miles.

01:10:24.480 Miles.

01:10:25.220 Thanks for the support, Miles.

01:10:27.820 I do appreciate it.

01:10:31.040 How do I stay sober, dude?

01:10:33.420 Well, I just decided that I'm not going to drink or use, you know, and I didn't decide

01:10:37.880 that I'm going to do it for the rest of my life because that's a huge undertaking.

01:10:42.360 And I can't do anything for the rest of my life.

01:10:44.580 I can't.

01:10:45.620 First of all, I don't know what the rest of my life is going to be.

01:10:48.200 But I know that I cannot drink or use for today, you know.

01:10:52.480 I know that.

01:10:53.780 And look, a lot of you guys out there are like, dude, I drink, I use.

01:10:56.440 That's fine.

01:10:57.020 Look, I have no issue.

01:10:58.380 If you can drink and you can party and you can have a good time and you can live your

01:11:03.480 life and your life's fun and comfortable, that's great.

01:11:06.600 You know, I might be able to do that one day.

01:11:08.640 I don't know.

01:11:09.660 But I do know that for right now, I'm not in that position.

01:11:13.300 So how do I stay sober, man?

01:11:15.980 I listen to people that are more sober than I am.

01:11:22.120 And I try and figure out what my feelings are, you know, because I didn't want to have

01:11:30.300 any feelings.

01:11:31.320 I'm sure that's why you take pills.

01:11:32.440 Do pills, bro.

01:11:33.720 I remember one time I took a pill.

01:11:35.640 Next thing I knew, it was Thursday, bro.

01:11:37.780 And I think when I started, it was Friday.

01:11:41.460 So it was like a long pill, dude.

01:11:44.440 Yeah, I remember one time some dude gave me some somas. 0.81

01:11:47.340 This fellow that was homosexual and he ended up dying. 1.00

01:11:49.780 He drove, I think, a Chevy Cavalier into a semen embankment. 0.98

01:11:55.020 And he was a boxer. 0.98

01:11:56.080 He was a homosexual prize fighter. 0.98

01:11:59.560 But he might have even tried to blow me one time when I was on somas. 0.98

01:12:02.440 I don't even remember.

01:12:03.420 So are pills fun?

01:12:05.220 I don't know.

01:12:06.100 I mean, it was definitely fun not having any feelings and like just spitting up on my

01:12:10.040 shirt all night.

01:12:10.680 It was kind of cool.

01:12:11.800 It was like being in the hospital, but I was just in the back of a Chevrolet Blazer.

01:12:17.780 But overall, long term, is it fun?

01:12:20.600 You know, I just don't think it's good.

01:12:22.660 Because I just would love for you to take a chance and see what you're really like if

01:12:25.880 you don't use.

01:12:26.980 If you don't use pills.

01:12:28.400 You know, just take a chance.

01:12:29.780 Look, dude, if you don't like who you are when you don't use pills, go back.

01:12:33.080 Go back to them, bro.

01:12:34.640 But at least give yourself a shot to see who you are.

01:12:37.740 You're out here.

01:12:39.600 You know, if you got issues, man, look, clean them up.

01:12:43.260 You'll be able to clean them up when you're sober.

01:12:44.800 I promise you.

01:12:46.060 It's going to take some time. 0.99

01:12:47.000 It's going to be a pain in the ass. 0.99

01:12:48.600 You have to sit and think and write and listen to other people. 1.00

01:12:51.540 Probably going to have to cry and listen to some fucking dudes talk in group settings 1.00

01:12:55.560 and stuff where you're like, dude, shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:12:58.520 But you'll get better. 0.99

01:13:00.640 It gets better.

01:13:02.260 I promise you that.

01:13:05.020 And it's fascinating. 0.86

01:13:06.180 And it's the ballsiest thing you could do. 0.93

01:13:07.960 You want to take a pill? 1.00

01:13:09.340 Take a pill of fucking sobriety, bro. 1.00

01:13:12.380 Take a pill of, you know what? 1.00

01:13:15.100 Whatever life throws at me today, I'm going to look it in the fucking face. 1.00

01:13:20.480 You know? 1.00

01:13:21.500 Take that pill.

01:13:22.960 That's a pill, bro.

01:13:24.680 You want a pill?

01:13:25.640 You want a ride?

01:13:27.440 You want a ride?

01:13:28.540 Try feeling everything. 0.98

01:13:30.980 Try having conversations with people when shit's uncomfortable and you can't resort 0.98

01:13:36.420 to anything else. 0.99

01:13:37.820 And you have to just tell them how you really feel.

01:13:41.360 Try that.

01:13:42.480 That's a pill, bro.

01:13:44.340 That's a pill, man.

01:13:46.300 But I'm here for you, Miles.

01:13:47.460 If you need me, you can leave another voicemail, a private one on here that I won't use on

01:13:51.280 the episode.

01:13:53.140 But I don't know how I stay sober, man.

01:13:56.680 You know?

01:13:57.360 I invite a higher power into my life even though I struggle with that every day.

01:14:01.220 And I don't try to stay sober forever.

01:14:02.880 I'm just trying to stay sober for tomorrow.

01:14:06.280 You know?

01:14:07.440 But it's amazing.

01:14:10.020 I started this podcast in sobriety.

01:14:13.260 Dude, if I was still partying, I don't think I would have been able to do it.

01:14:17.340 I don't know, but I don't think so.

01:14:19.600 And I also don't want to pigeonhole myself.

01:14:21.180 And I don't want to tell you that you need it forever.

01:14:23.700 I don't want to tell you any of those things.

01:14:26.060 I don't want to tell you that AA is a be-all, cure-all, end-all.

01:14:30.420 Because if I'm not sober forever, then people are going to be like, well, you know, it didn't

01:14:34.720 work for him.

01:14:35.980 I don't want to tell you any of that, man.

01:14:37.660 I just want to tell you that I think it's worth a try.

01:14:41.980 You know?

01:14:43.000 And I think it's worth the same amount of effort you go, you put into getting pills or using

01:14:46.940 pills, just at least give it that same amount of effort.

01:14:50.280 See how it works, you know?

01:14:51.920 It might work well.

01:14:53.860 But I love you, Miles, man.

01:14:56.720 And, you know, it sounds like you want to at least try to get, I don't know, better, but

01:15:04.980 you want to try to get different.

01:15:07.000 So just try to get different, man.

01:15:08.480 See how different works.

01:15:09.620 Thank you for calling, bro.

01:15:10.480 I really do appreciate it.

01:15:13.200 And happy Mother's Day to all the mothers, man.

01:15:15.080 I'm going to take us out of here, man.

01:15:16.360 It's getting late.

01:15:17.280 God, it's so late.

01:15:17.900 This is going to be up late, guys.

01:15:19.220 It's going to be up late because it's already 2 a.m. here.

01:15:21.860 It's 5 a.m. East Coast.

01:15:23.700 It's not going to be there for people on their drive to work.

01:15:25.860 So I'm sorry about that.

01:15:27.780 It's just, it's going to take a couple hours to edit.

01:15:31.420 All right, man.

01:15:32.380 But I'm going to take you out here, man.

01:15:34.440 It's been a beautiful, it's been a beautiful time chatting.

01:15:37.640 I hope so.

01:15:38.140 Thank you to our callers.

01:15:39.640 Hit the hotline.

01:15:40.560 You know what it is.

01:15:41.680 Check out my tour dates at theovon.com slash tour.

01:15:46.460 And just tell somebody you love them today.

01:15:47.860 Call your mother again today and tell her that you love her.

01:15:51.220 How about that, huh?

01:15:52.760 How about just calling your mother again today and just letting her know you love her.

01:16:02.200 Just let her, you know, hey, Mom.

01:16:05.600 You know, I love you just as much today.

01:16:10.700 I just want to let you know that.

01:16:13.940 You know, I know Mother's Day was yesterday, but there's going to come a day when I might not be able to tell you how much I love you.

01:16:22.240 So today's not that day, and today I'm going to let you know how much I care.

01:16:30.580 You know?

01:16:31.420 Man, we get so caught up, dude.

01:16:34.220 Man, we get so caught up talking to other people.

01:16:39.160 You know?

01:16:39.760 It's hard.

01:16:40.680 It's hard sometimes to listen to our mothers, but I don't know, man.

01:16:48.080 I don't know.

01:16:48.940 And maybe some of you guys don't have the best relationship with your mother, and I'm not trying to make you feel bad or, you know.

01:16:54.040 But I don't either, you know.

01:16:56.960 Sometimes it's hard when my mother says stuff.

01:16:58.580 I don't feel it.

01:17:00.740 But we ought to keep trying, man.

01:17:05.640 You know?

01:17:06.460 We keep trying.

01:17:07.680 So that's all we can do.

01:17:09.060 Just keep trying, man.

01:17:10.740 And love yourself today, you know.

01:17:13.020 And if you don't have a mother, bro, I'll put on a wig and I'll hug you, dude.

01:17:15.820 How about that, dude?

01:17:17.360 We just got to keep it all, you know, first base only, and that's only on the cheek, you know.

01:17:21.440 So that's my motherhood for you.

01:17:24.780 But thank you guys for listening to this past week, and I'll see you guys next time.

01:17:30.520 Be good to yourselves, man.

01:17:31.900 You probably deserve it.

01:17:40.160 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.

01:17:51.440 The answer may shock you.

01:17:53.160 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

01:17:55.260 Sometimes I won't.

01:17:56.920 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

01:17:59.860 You have three new voice messages.

01:18:02.900 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

01:18:05.780 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.

01:18:08.440 Longer than anybody else.

01:18:10.060 So great.

01:18:11.440 Hi.

01:18:12.080 Swee-ah. 0.97

01:18:13.100 Here's a deal. 1.00

01:18:14.380 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. 1.00

01:18:18.380 Jermaine. 0.99

01:18:18.940 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

01:18:23.440 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

01:18:25.520 Oh, no.

01:18:27.800 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

01:18:30.260 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:18:34.400 Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:18:38.640 Third rule.

01:18:39.600 Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.

01:18:42.280 Or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

01:18:43.980 And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - May 15, 2017

5-15-17 This Past Weekend #22

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