Mother's Day has come and gone and with it comes the post Mother's Day aftermath. I talk about how important it is to spend time with your mother and talk to them and make sure they are okay. I hope you all had a wonderful day. I know I did.
00:01:38.120And everybody's, you know, hopefully, gotten to spend some time with their mother, talk to them, had a nice conversation, or listened to them.
00:01:47.160I find as I get older, it's about just listening to my mother.
00:01:51.180You know, I just want to make sure that she's okay.
00:01:53.980And that she's trying, you know, she's not worrying.
00:01:58.700I think those are things that start to help me the most.
00:09:14.000Get it into your mother's ears, you know.
00:09:16.780And there's no place better for a son's concerns, I don't think, than their mother's ears.
00:09:24.000Even if she's not going to give you the response you want, I think there's just something about a son or a daughter saying something to their mother.
00:09:32.820You know, and just putting it on them that, that is innately comforting to us.
00:09:38.360And I put a lot of pressure on my mom growing up.
00:09:43.480And when you're a child like that, you know, and it's just your mother, you naturally look to your mother for whatever your father is supposed to give you as well.
00:09:54.240And so it can give you a, it can put, you know, ridiculous, unachievable desires and expectations on your mother because you are looking for a complete circle of parenting.
00:10:09.560And there's no way your mother can give it all to you because she can't be a man.
00:10:17.680So there's all, so, so I have a lot of, you know, I'll probably have some resentments or, you know, some amends to make in that category too.
00:10:27.540Once I figure out what expectations I put on my mother that I probably was supposed to put on a father, but they weren't there.
00:10:34.680Because that's not my mother's responsibility, you know, that's my father's responsibility who wasn't around.
00:10:41.820But anyway, I'm not trying to bring everybody down.
00:11:46.640I think, because crutch and, crutch and touch, boy, touching crotch, when you're young, it just, I mean, it is like a dam.
00:11:57.020I mean, it's like somebody just, it's like the first time you ever see one of those babies they could hear for the first time on those videos.
00:12:43.720It's like, it's just like one of those videos on Facebook where, you know, like, dog hears its owner.
00:12:51.120You know, dog hears its owner for the first time.
00:12:54.340Dog sees its cousin for the first time.
00:12:57.280You know, it's like one of those, you know, it's one of those, man.
00:13:00.960It's that magical moment where it's like this area that you can, and there's so much heat.
00:13:05.920But, that's what I remember about that crotch heat, bro.
00:13:08.920It was, I mean, God, it was like somebody had just put a furnace inside of, you know, a woman's pants.
00:13:17.980I mean, it was just like, you ever get those mitten packets that keep your hands warm if you do skiing or you do outdoor work in the Kodiak or in the cold weather?
00:13:29.580You know, or if you don't, if your freezer doesn't have a door, your refrigerator doesn't have a door, and you get, your kitchen gets really cold because you don't have ways to close them up, and you have to use those freezer packets, you know.
00:13:46.800I had a friend who didn't have any freezer door or refrigerator door.
00:13:50.760Someone had stolen the doors to their appliance, many of their appliances, actually.
00:13:55.660And so, the cold would always be coming out, and so they'd have to wear extra shirts and stuff.
00:14:03.480But, you have this, they have these hand warmers you can get, and man, it was like the first time you put your hand down by a girl's crotch.
00:14:11.860That's kind of what occurred, I felt like.
00:14:14.020But, we're going to get into some of those calls, and we're going to get to our guest.
00:17:49.940And what do you feel like when I say the term wigger?
00:17:54.040Actually, from what I understand of your background, you wouldn't qualify because you actually did assimilate and were accepted with the black culture because they were in your neighborhood.
00:18:04.560It was about a half and half, as you said.
00:20:02.120And it's very understandable because they really, I think we all have a certain preconceived notion and acceptance when we see the same skin color we have.
00:20:21.340And that's what I do on stage particularly.
00:20:23.640I'm not going to plug my act, but I make fun of everybody else's culture because that's really what makes us different.
00:20:28.120And what you always mention is the big equalizer, which is money.
00:20:32.840If you're poor, it doesn't matter where you are.
00:20:34.780There's a really brilliant comic that I run into that makes the point of poverty is really what has everybody sectioned off the way they do.
00:20:43.360Like everyone has the ability to live on some kind of government assistance.
00:20:47.260But if you're black, you live in the hood with other black people.
00:20:50.760You could live with the same money in a trailer park, but you're thinking I may be poor, but I ain't that fucking poor that I'm living with those guys.
00:20:57.460And the trailer park people the same way.
00:20:59.520Hey, look, I may be on section eight here, but I ain't living in there with them people.
00:21:59.100And I very much was comfortable with them and had a whole different idea than most white people do about when you really go to war with these guys, you see who they really are.
00:22:08.820And all of the things you hear about how bad they are just disappear.
00:22:14.680When I first started dabbling in black clubs, I saw like a 60-minute show.
00:22:20.440And the guy that was talking said something about white people are terrified to talk about race.
00:22:26.420And with black people, race is everything.
00:22:28.520And the first thing I thought of was, well, I'm not afraid to talk about race.
00:22:31.520And there's some kind of a vibe about me that I'm not trying to make myself out to be something mystical, but there's some kind of a vibe in the way I carry myself.
00:22:40.400The black people look at me and they say, he doesn't hate us.
00:24:09.960I remember when I first started playing black clubs, it was at a really low point in my life.
00:24:13.780I'd gone through a bad romance, I was more poverty stricken than I'd ever been, my career didn't seem to be going anywhere, and I'm playing in black clubs.
00:24:21.080And I'm in these really low, low, low income neighborhoods, and I'm being as kind as I can and seeing comics that I knew were living in cars and living in very poor conditions.
00:24:32.740And they would get on stage and say something like, I woke up today, the sun hit my face, it's a beautiful thing to be alive.
00:24:38.020And I'm thinking, what the fuck is wrong with me?
00:24:40.380That if this guy can see life that way, where did I go wrong?
00:24:50.020And the other thing I noticed on the football scene is that you would get on these 14-hour bus drives we sometimes had to take, and the white guys would all be sitting around, bored, shitless, maybe reading a book, but most of the time just staring at the front seat.
00:25:04.100And the blacks are in back playing dominoes and playing spades and cards, yucking it up, laughing it up, high-fiving.
00:25:10.100They always were fucking having more fun than we were, and I started hanging around with them.
00:25:15.020Why do black people have more fun than white people?
00:25:16.960Because I – yeah, like the most fun sometimes white people, it seemed like – like white people would be like, you know, like, ooh-ooh, you know, like I'm having a good time, you know?
00:25:26.680But like black people will really – like you know if they're having a good time.
00:25:36.340And that's – what's really funny culturally is some of the times something that you and I would say to each other if we were just kind of exchanging insults in a friendly way, that it wouldn't be anything particularly funny, but it's something their culture has never heard.
00:25:52.300Like I called this guy, you snot-nosed little bitch, and that just killed him.
00:25:58.340Just they'd never heard a man call another man a snot-nosed little bitch.
00:26:02.420But now some of the names that they come up with that you and I never heard of, you roll on the floor.
00:26:07.940It's a – where the fuck did you put that combination of words together?
00:26:12.180Now, a lot of white guys are afraid to make love to black women because I feel like – because black women, they fuck back, I feel like, you know?
00:26:20.460Like white women, it seems like you kind of fuck them, you know?
00:26:23.740But black women, it really seems like they fuck back, you know?
00:26:28.880Like they got that real attack pussy at times.
00:26:36.100I was with one black girl who had like some crazy mirrors on her ceiling and stuff out here, and that may have been the only one I can't remember at this moment.
00:26:45.100The culture in general is very aggressive in the way that they do the flirting and the dating game.
00:27:20.520And do you have any tips for like a white guy who's trying to get with some sisters out there or really trying to test some of the black women and see if they have a chance with some?
00:28:05.660Because they've geared their act towards a white audience.
00:28:09.660They've geared their act to cross over to a white audience and done material that is very different from the culture that they come from most of the time.
00:28:18.800Or there's suburb blacks that are more comfortable in the white culture because they're not familiar with the hood.
00:28:26.380A suburb black has almost as much disconnect to the black culture as you and I do.
00:28:30.580Why is it hard even like, I mean, I grew up in like a white hood, you know?
00:28:34.300I mean, it was, you know, we were right on, we shared, you know, we're right next to the poor black neighborhood was the poor white neighborhood.
00:28:41.500I mean, there wasn't, we all rode the same school buses together.
00:28:44.780Um, why is it that it's hard to let go of the hood for people?
00:28:53.860Do you feel like even if they transcend class or environment, why does like the hood like stick to you?
00:29:00.260Do you know what I'm talking about at all?
00:29:02.200And it is a phenomenon that's very difficult for us to understand.
00:29:05.820And it's something that I think there's a part of it that they like the idea that this is something I rose up from and the friends that I have left behind are now my entourage and my fan club.
00:29:19.500And the people that I know that I can trust to have the most connection towards like Biggie, when he was at his apex, a lot of times he said he found himself daydreaming about what was going on in the hood.
00:29:30.200And here's a guy living in penthouse, private jet level wealth.
00:29:34.880And he was wondering what are the homies doing on the streets?
00:29:42.600And I guess because maybe life's so real out there, like, you know, I felt like even in our neighborhood, life was very real for us.
00:29:48.340Because we all spent time together outdoors, you know, like there wasn't anything going on indoors except like fighting, you know, the air.
00:30:18.340I mean, could you imagine probably in the home you grew up in that on a nice, bright, sunshiny day, you're sitting on the couch playing with your Xbox.
00:30:25.280My mom and dad would have said, get the fuck outside and go play.
00:30:37.420You guys need to get outside and didn't even really keep tabs.
00:30:39.920I think now everybody's just scared of like kidnappers, you know, like I was talking about and pedophiles of attacking children, you know, and stuff like that.
00:30:47.980To not even enjoy years of playing outside because of maybe one pedophile, that seems intense to me.
00:30:54.520And it really is a sad thing that we have come to that, such as now we're living in a culture that has swung once again with that pendulum too far in one direction where you'll see a parent smack their kid in the ass in the grocery market.
00:31:07.340And then 15 minutes later, Child Protective Services is at their front door and they're child abusers.
00:31:12.540That was not part of our lives growing up.
00:31:14.980And the kind of thing about walking to and from school at the age of, say, six years old, a six-year-old kid walking to and from school by himself right now, the police are going to show up.
00:31:42.740Because I know this happens a lot with white people and black people.
00:31:45.480As long as it's not overdone, it's something that I look at it that I get a little jargony because when I'm around Latinos, I speak a little bit of Spanish.
00:31:54.100Yeah, I'll even pull on a Latino accent, a Mexican accent or a Spanish accent.
00:31:57.280When I'm around – when anyone that you're around – if you're around a bunch of blue bloods, you're going to change your whole style.
00:32:02.640All you have to really do to change your entire personality is put on a fucking suit sometime and walk out the door and immediately have a different attitude and a whole different demeanor about you.
00:32:19.180And is there like a kind of a – like what's a good starter kit for a kid these days who wants to kind of, you know, wig up a little and get into black culture?
00:32:55.520Like when it comes to like attire or anything like that, cologne, like is there any sort of, you know, any – what else do you need to know?
00:33:03.240You know, like what else do you have to, you know, do you have to have?
00:38:39.760As I really do feel like, you know, you're helping people realize that we can learn, man, you know?
00:38:51.660Well, as much as I appreciate you for having me on this show, you are very accomplished, certainly a lot further along in this game than I am.
00:38:59.260And for you to have brought me on board is a big honor.
00:39:01.540Well, I hope I'm able to sit there one day and be able to rehash so many good stories and have such a good attitude about my career and just about myself and about what's going on and to be able to inspire other people to, you know, to think.
00:39:14.100They don't have to think differently, but at least inspire them to start by thinking, you know?
00:41:16.280Like, if, if I don't think about me, then nobody is going to be thinking about me in the world.
00:41:22.300And when you're a kid, that's a scary, that's the scariest thing in the world.
00:41:27.640You know, to think that no one's going to be thinking about you.
00:41:30.620Um, that just, you know, I don't know anything more hurtful to a child probably than to feel, than to feel that no one is going to be thinking about them, that they're unthought of.
00:41:44.720Um, and so I think I definitely developed some selfishness there as a child.
00:41:49.000You know, I was just worried that if I wasn't thinking about me, that no one was.
00:42:14.020Um, but it is nice to know that some of you guys think that this podcast is helping to do that because it makes me feel a little less selfish or it makes me feel like I'm battling that leftover bad habit of, um, of just being self-serving.
00:42:29.500You know, and especially I live in a self-serving city.
00:42:32.400Um, you know, I have a self-serving job.
00:42:34.940I feel like people say my job brings laughter to people, but you know, it's hard not to feel like, like that.
00:42:41.440It's just for me sometimes or I don't know, but, uh, but I love you and I appreciate the calls.
00:42:59.180Um, we do have some female listeners out there and they're growing.
00:43:02.640Our female listener population is growing and I'm excited about that.
00:43:05.920And, and we had, uh, we had some callers calling about the first time they touched a little bit of crotch.
00:43:12.020And when you touch crotch as a child, you know, that's, that is, it's like, I mean, I can't, it's like, it's just like somebody have, you ever see, have like a friend, you know,
00:43:28.520you ever have to see those mitten packets that keep your hands warm.
00:43:31.760It's like a special packet that you buy that you put into a mitten or a, if you have a bag or something, you'll put your hands in a bag, but it's cold in the bag.
00:43:41.320They got these little heat warmer packets that you can break kind of, or bend and it cracks something inside of them.
00:43:47.840And it makes heat, free heat, small, small amount of heat.
00:43:52.300And people put those in their mittens or their socks or whatever.
00:43:58.820It's almost like this atomic little slice of rock.
00:44:03.280Well, that's what it's like for a boy.
00:44:05.460I felt like the first time you get near that crotch area on a female, you know, the first time you get your hand up near that little female water spout, you know, you just, um, you know, that flat water spout, really, I should say.
00:44:23.320I mean, cause that's just, I mean, it's the really, it's the first time, I mean, you came out of a vagina as a child and then as a teenager or whenever you get to touch some crotch, it's the first time you get back there.
00:44:34.300So you've really just been wandering around for a long time away from your, you know, your shuttle bus, you know, the shuttle bus that brought you into existence, the female crotch.
00:44:47.740Um, and this is almost oddly kind of fitting for Mother's Day because we all came out of a mother, you know, most of us anyway, unless somebody made you somewhere.
00:49:47.660You know, two fingers is always crazy, too.
00:49:50.740Like, I remember there were times, you know, personally, I'd put two fingers in a woman's vagina and be like, is this okay or am I being crazy?
00:50:29.480It's like once it happens, something happens, more has to happen.
00:50:32.940You know, you get, you need a bigger fix.
00:50:36.320But I feel like, yeah, that's third base was fingering.
00:50:40.540And then as you grow more adult, you realize that there's more action out, there's, there's more action for the female outside of the vagina.
00:50:48.340You know, inside, you're basically just looking for something that's outside.
00:50:51.620You know, it's like whenever you, you bring your keys out to the car and you leave and you have them in there, but you don't realize you have them in there and you think you left them inside.
00:50:59.800Then you go back inside looking for your keys.
01:08:27.380It's boring until you're able to start dealing with some of your feelings and what's going on and whatever made you start to, you know, over-treat yourself with medication.
01:08:43.360When feelings start coming back and you start, you start having feelings, man, you know, like when I'm talking about my mom earlier and I get, like, teared up, you know, like, that didn't used to happen to me, man.
01:08:59.480You know, like, I wasn't able to access those feelings, dude.
01:09:02.300When I, you know, when I see, like, you know, one of my friends posted a picture of her and her baby.
01:09:14.480And I remember, like, a couple years ago, like, telling her, like, I almost was going to, like, we were almost deciding that we were going to have a baby together even though, like, we weren't in love or anything.
01:09:25.080We just were maybe going to have a baby just because she's getting a little older and we've always been friends.
01:09:30.700And we both wanted just, I thought she'd make a great mother because she's always been, like, a great friend.
01:09:36.460And she has a baby now, dude, and I looked and saw a picture of her, you know, her first Mother's Day or something today.
01:17:40.160Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.