This Past Weekend with Theo Von - #608

00:00:00.000 Today's guest is his first time on the podcast. He's a legendary stand-up comedian and host.

00:00:06.780 He helped give me my start in getting on the airwaves. He has a new special on YouTube called

00:00:13.960 Unconceivable and his own podcast called Jim Norton Can't Save You. Today's guest is the

00:00:22.160 one of one, Mr. Jim Norton.

00:00:30.000 Well, I was just telling you, we can get started if you want to.

00:00:44.960 Yeah, I was just telling you that I feel like, um, all right, just let me know if I'm off

00:00:51.540 Michael. I'm obsessed with that too, with sound, like when I'm interviewing somebody, if they're

00:00:55.080 like, they're off mic, I'm like, fuck on the mic. Oh, I feel horrible. The other day I did

00:00:59.180 and I did somebody's podcast and I chewed gum the whole time.

00:01:03.060 We've had that. Yeah, it happens.

00:01:04.540 But the fact that I did, it's like, I do it for a living.

00:01:06.840 I know. You're like, how did I do that?

00:01:10.580 It haunts, every day it still haunts me a little bit.

00:01:12.880 That you chewed the gum?

00:01:13.640 Yeah, just feel, cause I'm like, I, you know, we came, they came and we all put our time in,

00:01:17.520 you know, just to be there and do it. And I fricking just like, you know, sometimes you

00:01:21.980 show up and you just, you do the most Bush league thing.

00:01:24.500 I'd like to ask them, did you notice it while it was happening? And did you want to say

00:01:28.740 something? Cause we've had like, we had Marin on one time and he was eating like oatmeal

00:01:32.640 or something the whole time or chewing something. And the fans were furious and were like, why

00:01:36.640 didn't we just say something when he was eating? Sometimes when you're hosted, you don't tell

00:01:40.140 the person like you're chewing gum, stop chewing gum.

00:01:42.660 Yeah. He should feel embarrassed.

00:01:44.200 You feel embarrassed.

00:01:45.160 Yeah.

00:01:45.380 But he still should have told you.

00:01:46.580 I mean, I've had instances where somebody was mouth will be very dry.

00:01:50.340 Oh, you know what I'm talking about?

00:01:52.380 Yes. That fucking sticky fruit roll up sound. Yeah.

00:01:56.900 And you know, all you can think of is the listeners being like, this dry motherfucker.

00:02:02.620 This fucking pasty mouth idiot. Yeah.

00:02:06.420 This fire survivor fucking showing up. And it's so true. Like it, but you can't sit over

00:02:12.140 there and like baby bird somebody, some water, but you want to say to them, like, you want

00:02:15.340 some water? And then they don't, they're like, no, it's like when someone's breath stinks.

00:02:17.900 You're like, you want a piece of gum? And they're like, no, I'm good. You're not

00:02:20.200 good. Yeah.

00:02:20.800 But so, you know, but trying to be courteous. Yeah. You want me to pressure wash your face

00:02:24.260 for a second? Like that's another thing you could offer them.

00:02:26.480 But you see like how you just said that now I'm making sure I'm opening my water. People

00:02:30.620 have to be self-aware too. Like anybody who's doing something, if your mouth is pasty and

00:02:35.040 dry and sticky and sounds like shit, you should be aware of it. You have ears.

00:02:38.580 Yeah. Yeah. And then that you just realize, oh, that person is offline. They are just not,

00:02:42.920 they don't know what's going in. Or sometimes it'll be a woman's lipstick is a little thick

00:02:46.740 and it kind of just. A little crack. Yes. A little pop. Yeah. That stuff drives me crazy.

00:02:52.400 I pick up on it and I sniffle a lot. I fucking, like I'm, I, I'm a noisy, uncomfortable to

00:02:58.340 be around fucking person. Like I get it. So I have no right to tell other people, but

00:03:02.720 like, I'm always clear, clear my throat. It's really fucking horrible.

00:03:06.000 Yeah. Well, as we get older too, it's just like, you're just like kind of a, you're just

00:03:11.100 hoping that every now and then you, you're a little bit of the semblance of what you once

00:03:15.540 were. Yeah. Oh no, I've given up on that. I I've thrown in the towel. I will never again

00:03:20.640 be what I once was. And I was only mediocre to begin with. So I went from mediocre to kind

00:03:25.360 of shitty. Um, but it's funny. I like, I'm so self-conscious about how I look. Uh, and my

00:03:30.280 wife is like, oh, you look fine. And, and I got a text from a Gutfeld the other night, a random

00:03:34.780 text. He's like, Hey man, I saw you on that, uh, kill Tony thing. That's a good look for

00:03:38.340 you. That's a good weight for you. Like, and so people are telling me I look okay, but I'm

00:03:41.920 like, I don't feel okay. I feel fucking fat and just mushy. And my neck is fat. I just dropped

00:03:47.520 20 pounds. Oh, you want to drop? Well, I, it's so funny. Cause I saw you last time. I was

00:03:50.700 like, man, Jim, you kind of look, I feel like you have looked better as you've gotten older

00:03:54.720 kind of as you've grown more into an adult. Thank you. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I, I look

00:03:59.820 back on my old pictures. I'm not impressed with them either. So I can't go like, ah, I want

00:04:03.580 to get back to those days. It's like rush, rush back to what, you know what I mean?

00:04:08.920 Do you ever feel like, cause sometimes comedians are so uncomfortable. Um, and I was just, I

00:04:14.280 was watching, you have a, you have a new special that's on YouTube, unconceivable, right? And

00:04:18.620 it's so funny. Cause I've thought of things being inconceivable before, but to go as far

00:04:23.540 to be like unconceivable, like I should never even have been like contemplated. Fuck that's

00:04:30.800 intense, dude. Because I think at the depth of some comedians and artists and not, not

00:04:36.140 trying to sound like, like we're special, but we're fucked up. There's something a little

00:04:40.200 wrong with a lot of people in the world. Yeah. Um, and we choose to try to put it out there.

00:04:44.220 Sometimes all artists do even strippers. I think they do that in their way, but like,

00:04:48.680 like there's something like, God, I should never even have been here. Well, the reason I named

00:04:54.360 it that, honestly, people thought I fucked up and spelled it wrong, but I didn't. It's

00:04:58.180 unconceivable on purpose. It's an old way of saying it. It's actually technically correct

00:05:02.300 in the English language. Uh, but it was also like a nod to my wife, uh, who is, you know,

00:05:06.600 cannot conceive obviously. So it was also gotten that far through it. Oh, okay. Yeah. It was

00:05:11.940 part of, uh, about 20 minutes in. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. I talk about her. It was, it was

00:05:15.800 part, part of it's about her being not able to conceive. That was kind of why I called it

00:05:18.920 unconceivable. Oh, I see what you're saying. I thought, I guess I just took that somewhere

00:05:23.000 in it just because you've always kind of operated on the fringes of like depravity or what's okay

00:05:29.420 in the world sort of in your own space. Is that okay to say that? Oh yeah. It's a hundred

00:05:33.740 percent accurate. But if it was about me and my existence, I would have called it should

00:05:37.640 have been a load in a sock. That's what I would have named it. Yeah. It should have

00:05:42.760 been a practice around. Yeah. I should have been like, I should, yeah. Like I should not

00:05:48.080 have been in the gun. No, no, no. My father should have wiped me out of his belly button

00:05:51.480 with a Dunkin' Donuts napkin. Shemokin. Remember the Dunkin' Donuts? Dude, you turned me on

00:05:59.200 to that. Yeah. The, uh, the, uh. Oh, the iced coffee, cold coffee. Cold coffee. What do

00:06:03.200 they call cold coffee? Yeah. Her name is Edna Faust. Yes. And, uh, I remember we loved them

00:06:08.160 so, the joy we got from them. You gave me that joy, dude. And I've showed that over the

00:06:14.040 years we've had people sitting here and I'm like, you gotta see this. Because the

00:06:18.880 thing that's amazing about Edna is, is, was her, her deductive reasoning was that she

00:06:23.720 knew that like a ice coffee, a cold coffee, like she's just watching her go through the

00:06:29.000 clues as to what to call it is why I love her so much. Yeah. Drop it real quick. Cause

00:06:33.400 I also want to tell you, Dutch came to one of my shows one time. You met Dutch? I met him

00:06:39.600 Dutch and Smith. What's his last name? Dutch. What did he, what did he do? Smith?

00:06:44.040 There you go. A coffee shop in Shemokin is closed following an arson over the weekend.

00:06:49.360 Definitely going to miss it. No doubt about it. A teenager is charged with starting the

00:06:53.980 fire inside the restaurant on Saturday night. Shemokin police officer Ray Psycho says no one

00:06:59.760 was hurt, but the place has extensive damage. Psycho says the fire was started inside the

00:07:05.500 women's bathroom. The toilet paper dispenser was lit on fire and within about a minute,

00:07:10.540 the entire place was filled up with smoke. The mother did explain that she's recently been put

00:07:15.220 on new medication, but as far as for what reason, we're unsure right now. The 13 year old who admitted

00:07:20.480 to setting the fire is currently at a juvenile detention center. Many people who live in Shemokin

00:07:26.480 are upset that Dunkin Donuts is closed. Now I have to rely on myself to go to maybe a Turkey Hill or

00:07:32.420 something where I don't like their donuts. I'd rather the donuts at Dunkin Donuts and I'm kind

00:07:37.600 of dealing with it, but I really miss Dunkin Donuts. I go to every day. I get a chicken baker

00:07:43.140 croissant or I get some coffee, Powerade if I'm dehydrated. I sit there all the time. If I have

00:07:48.660 any like legal work that I need to do, I go there. I meet with my attorneys there. I'm going to miss that

00:07:53.580 place if it don't open up. And a lot of my friends go in there, get the cold coffee,

00:08:01.120 iced coffee, I guess it's called. Oh, there she goes. She figures it out. She knows. Edna Faust's

00:08:08.300 Unsolved Mysteries. She gets to it. And Dutch Smith doing his legal work. I mean, there really is.

00:08:13.440 And by the way, I hate to bum the podcast vibe out, but the first woman at Turkey Hill

00:08:18.720 doing it, she passed away. I'm almost positive we did a deep dive on her. And I do think that

00:08:24.360 unfortunately she is no longer with us. God, she seemed like the most healthy of the three of them,

00:08:28.520 I thought. She did too. She was definitely the one I was, if I had to be attracted to one of the three,

00:08:33.220 it would have been, Faust was a close second. You could play Faust in like a biopic one day.

00:08:39.060 I would love to. Brian Dennehy right now has her, but I think.

00:08:42.220 Like, oh, but Dutch Smith came out to a show, dude. He's doing great now. So, but that was

00:08:50.080 amazing, bro. But yeah, you put me onto this and I, and I've like shared it with so many people

00:08:53.880 over the years. So thank you, dude. It was such a bizarre, I remember it was on with myself and

00:08:58.180 it was on Opie and Jim. And I think that was the show. And yeah, we would play all these weird

00:09:02.960 clips and once in a while you find one, it's like, fuck, that's a gem. Yeah. That's a gem. But I never

00:09:07.820 heard, I never had any follow about Edna Faust. I'm dying to know how she is because I think

00:09:11.860 she's the best. Yeah. Let's put it, we'll put it out on all call. Hopefully somebody can send

00:09:14.920 something in, man. And we'll see if we can get a little follow up. The Faust over there,

00:09:17.940 um, outside of Turkey Hill and Dunkin Donuts and Shemokin. Um, they've rebuilt it by the way.

00:09:23.460 Oh, they have, I have, we did follow up. They have rebuilt the Dunkin Donuts and it's a big thing

00:09:27.600 in Shemokin. Um, I was going to stop in there, go into a gig one time, but I'm like, no, I can't.

00:09:32.480 I just, I cared while I was on the air and then as soon as I was in the car, I said, fuck Shemokin.

00:09:36.140 I'm not stopping. It is funny how you make little plans. You're like, oh, I gotta be. And then things come

00:09:41.640 along and you're like, nah, let's just keep hitting those. Stay on the road. Stay on the

00:09:45.100 road. It was fun in theory. It was fun to think about and to talk about, but now that I'm actually

00:09:49.960 going to be 25 minutes out of my way that way and then 25 minutes out of my way that I'm not doing

00:09:53.400 it. Yeah. Fuck them. Yeah. Fuck them. Yeah. Fuck them, dude. I, uh, yeah. So unconceivable was your

00:10:00.100 wife? Cause your wife can't conceive. You're married now. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And do you feel like you

00:10:05.040 kind of get like, what was it like? Cause you like that was your first marriage? My, yeah.

00:10:09.740 I hope my first and, uh, hopefully my only. Yeah. I only did it because we, when she came

00:10:14.020 into the, the, she was having a hard time. So we did a 90 day fiance, uh, visa to get

00:10:19.860 her in. So we got married 90 days after she came in. Um, otherwise I would have just dated,

00:10:24.520 but it's okay. You fight different when you're married cause you can't just go, fuck you,

00:10:27.800 get out. Like you're there. So you got to resolve it faster. You got to go back to your corner

00:10:31.660 kind of, got to go back to your corner kind of, I used to have three and four, like I would

00:10:35.180 fight with girlfriends and then they would leave. And then for three or four days I would just

00:10:38.400 have hookers come over. Like it really was an ugly scene and this is a lot, a lot easier,

00:10:42.300 a lot cleaner. Yeah. Does this feel easier? Kind of like, does it feel like you kind of

00:10:45.360 escape? Cause I mean, I got like a lot of, I think commitment issues and stuff like that.

00:10:50.120 And I just feel like, man, at some point I got to escape, like not use marriage as an

00:10:54.260 escape, but I would love to not be kind of trapped just in this stupid circle that I get

00:10:59.020 in sometimes. Yeah. It's like, it's almost like it's a, it's a lonely spiral too. Like I forget,

00:11:03.480 like whenever I get pissed at her, I'm like, yeah, but I was really depressed when I was

00:11:06.660 single. Like I wasn't happy when I was single. I was miserable. I hated being alive. So if I fight

00:11:12.060 with her and I'm like, yeah, this kind of sucks. I'm like, yeah, but it's not, it's me. I'm the

00:11:16.280 problem. Cause if I'm single, I'm even worse than I am right now. So no, I don't want to, I like being

00:11:20.700 married. I just, sometimes when you think I'm married, you're like, oh, fucking life is over.

00:11:24.840 But I'd prefer this. Yeah. Yeah. At least you have someone to be there with you in your life.

00:11:29.080 You're like, and you kind of have a donkey to pin the tail and you're like fucking.

00:11:32.920 Yeah. The wife. Yeah. Fuck her. What is she? What? Yeah. If there's things are wrong,

00:11:37.760 it's not my fucking wife. It's also a good excuse though. Like, ah, nah, my wife's not feeling well.

00:11:42.200 I got to go home and see my wife. Like there's little built in things that are kind of advantages

00:11:46.180 that I didn't see. Um, and I'm glad I did it because if I didn't do it, I would still be running

00:11:51.660 in the same. That's why I fattened up because I literally am not doing the same things I used to do

00:11:56.320 on the road to get like those little mini highs you get, you know, now I'm just in the hotel room alone.

00:12:01.520 And what do you do? You order food at two o'clock in the morning instead of having somebody come

00:12:05.300 over. Yeah. It's not as fun. So your, and your wife is, uh, your wife is trans. Yes. Transgender.

00:12:12.980 Yes. Transgender. Yes. Okay. And so what does transgender mean exactly? Cause people use the

00:12:16.920 term all the time and sorry to go to like such rudimentary stuff, but it means a man and a

00:12:21.880 woman. Yeah. Like you born in a male body and you know, they have never, they can't say exactly

00:12:27.720 medically what makes a person transgender. That's why there's so much arguing about it. It's up to,

00:12:31.520 speculation. Some people like, ah, you're just a crazy fucking guy in a dress and other people

00:12:35.580 like, no, you're, you're born this way, but they can't tell you medically exactly what

00:12:39.340 it is in the brain. Um, but yeah, she definitely was born in a male body. But if you talk to

00:12:44.440 her for five minutes, you know, that's a woman's brain. Um, but I don't, I, I would lose the

00:12:48.960 argument in court. I don't have the argument in court. Uh, you know, she definitely does not

00:12:53.480 have a vagina. Yeah. Uh, you know, no, she's not at all. Okay. Hey, you look. Yeah. Oh

00:12:58.580 yeah. Yeah. It's not even a penis. I mean, it's a cock. Oh yeah. Definitely. Wow. Were

00:13:05.460 you able to discern over time why you liked something so unique kind of like, is that a

00:13:12.620 way to ask it? Yeah. Yeah. You ask what you want. I mean, I don't know. Like it's one of

00:13:16.020 those things where, when it comes to sexuality and attraction, what makes a person like what

00:13:21.280 they like, I don't have the answer to that. It's, it's a, it's a, it's a pull. It's like

00:13:25.980 you, you don't choose what direction you're going to get pulled in sometimes. Like for

00:13:30.380 me, attraction has never been like, I'm going to go over there and like that, it's going

00:13:34.720 to be something hits me and I kind of like lock into it and I feel it and it pulls me

00:13:39.080 that way. You know what I mean? But I piece of art kind of in a way. Yeah. Kind of. Yes.

00:13:43.120 Yes. But the living art, one that you can really just, you know, slap against your face.

00:13:47.380 Yeah. Art you can sit on.

00:13:51.280 Dang. Do you ever go places? Um, now do you have, say if you are dating someone who's

00:14:00.840 trans, do they ask questions like, why do you prefer this? Or is that like something

00:14:06.880 you kind of have to make clear to them a certain way so that they feel okay? Is that a, I think

00:14:11.620 it's like any other relationship. It's like in bed sexually, like fucking or not fucking

00:14:15.560 or that type of stuff. No, I think even just like on a person to person basis, like it, do

00:14:19.080 I seem like a trophy to you or do I seem like something like a novelty or like a nice piece

00:14:23.820 of jewelry to like, you know, this artistic collection piece or do I, do you really love

00:14:28.640 me because of who I am? Yes. And I think that any, any person, any person has to like, you

00:14:33.860 know, as a guy with money, you have to wonder, Hey, does this woman like me because of who

00:14:37.140 I am or because I have money? And with her, she could be like, is it because I'm transgender

00:14:40.800 that he wants a transgender? I think that with any person, you kind of like, you just, you

00:14:46.140 know what somebody's motives are after a while. Yeah. Um, and if you're with someone as a trophy,

00:14:50.780 like if I'm just like, Hey, I mean, we've been on and off for like, I mean, back together

00:14:55.760 since 2019. So six years and we were a year and a half before then. So by this point, after

00:15:01.600 seven or eight years, you know, what a person like, I was like, well, does she like me?

00:15:06.160 Does she like because I have money? But there's a lot of guys that have money and there's a

00:15:08.840 lot of trans people. So if that's all we want that we could easily go out and find somebody

00:15:12.800 else who fit that criteria. Yeah. Oh yeah. She's beautiful. Thank you. Um, yeah. And you see

00:15:19.400 you guys live together, huh? We live together. I put her up. She, immigration was very slow.

00:15:25.320 Um, it was just one of those things where she had something she had to get fixed and we

00:15:28.840 did, we did it right, but it's just, you know, it's a slow process. So while she was

00:15:33.100 waiting, I moved her to Montreal and I would drive up and see her and I wound up spending

00:15:37.360 the whole pandemic there. I drove up, they're going to close the Canadian border. So I drove

00:15:42.020 up one day after the radio show and I just stayed for 15 months. I was out of the U S for

00:15:46.960 15 months. It was crazy doing the radio show from there. Just live. It's my first time

00:15:51.720 living with anyone. And it was in the pandemic in a one bedroom in Montreal. Oh my God. And

00:15:56.800 I'm like, if we can do this, I can make this work. Like if we can, cause Canada was even

00:16:00.700 panicky more than the U S about COVID, you know, eight o'clock curfew. Uh, you know, they

00:16:06.500 were really crazy up there about it. So I'm like, if we can make it through this, we can be

00:16:10.920 okay. You know, in New York and having a life together. So was that kind of a moment

00:16:14.980 for you were like, okay, this is a big thing that I was able to do. And that gave you the,

00:16:19.240 cause like sometimes I'm a question, like, how do I get to those next places? I think

00:16:22.960 when you're kind of like, you know, I'm not forties, I'm single. So it's like, you're

00:16:27.280 like, will I ever get there? You know, what's really going to change? Was that like a thing

00:16:31.220 that really made it kind of different for you? Yeah. That, that made it like, okay, this

00:16:34.600 is a real thing. Like I had never done that with anybody in the States, but we were forced

00:16:38.500 to. Cause if I came back to the States once the border was closed, I would not have been

00:16:42.280 allowed back into Canada. So I had to choose between like being in New York or my life with

00:16:47.780 her, like leaving her alone up there for, we didn't know for how long. So it was kind

00:16:52.940 of like a loaded gun to your head, like you're here or it's over. And doing that, I was just

00:16:58.940 so grateful to be with her. And so like grateful to actually have a chance. It was like a test

00:17:03.080 run. You got to do a test run and see like, do I want to be with this person? And we got

00:17:07.280 along like way better than I would have thought. And so life here is fairly easy compared to

00:17:14.040 that. Wow. But easy in a married way. Like everything people told me about marriage is

00:17:18.160 true. Yeah. Yeah. Sucks. I mean, you know, you got to answer to somebody, somebody's in

00:17:22.220 your space. Somebody doesn't like the shit I hang on the walls. Like I don't like answering

00:17:26.200 to a person. Nobody does. No. Well, I think it's one of the reasons, especially like with

00:17:30.280 comedy, you just work for yourself. It's just you up there. There's nobody that's telling

00:17:35.120 you. Yeah. The crowd tells you it's fine. I'll accept it from a group. I'm not taking

00:17:39.220 it from one person. Yeah. You know, it's like, it's a total space of complete control.

00:17:45.020 Yeah. And it's very bit like, I like the fact too, that like when you're with someone,

00:17:48.480 can we talk about our lives on stage? So like I've been with women who got so angry at me

00:17:53.140 for the things I said about our personal life and she, she doesn't care at all, which I

00:17:57.820 love. She loves the stuff I talk about, like our personal life, even matter how, how

00:18:02.140 embarrassing it is or how personal it is or how intimate she doesn't care. She's like,

00:18:06.720 great, go ahead, do whatever you want to do. She doesn't give a fuck. Yeah. I guess if

00:18:09.880 you're cuddling up at night, I mean, both there's people have wieners in the bed. Yeah. Yeah.

00:18:14.720 I mean, I have a wiener. She's like, you know, yeah, you don't, you don't spend a hundred

00:18:17.620 grand on immigration lawyers for a dick smaller than yours. Oh, that's a good point. Oh yeah.

00:18:25.340 Tara Fett, Trump.

00:18:26.460 Wow. Yeah. Yeah. She'll like that. A lot of people get mad. Why does he talk about her

00:18:32.400 genitals? Shut up. Um, do you notice other men, like if you're around other guys, do

00:18:36.840 you think there's like a lot of curious guys who are into that universe that are afraid

00:18:40.600 to talk about it? Yeah. They ask questions. I never mind though. Like I'm not again. And

00:18:44.280 that's why I joke about her the way I do. Cause she's unbendable with that. She doesn't

00:18:47.120 care. And I don't, I couldn't have married a fragile personality. No, not you. No, you've

00:18:51.300 always been very, your own way and like aggressively your own way, but also in a kind of, I'm okay

00:19:01.100 with where I'm at. Yes. You've never been in this apologetic way about yourself. No. And

00:19:05.580 you can't like, you know, I want, you want people to be respectful to your, your partner

00:19:09.680 when you introduce them and everybody's been nice and you don't want people to be dicks,

00:19:12.920 but I don't care what people think. Like you, you can't live your life and care what other

00:19:16.800 people think. I have fun with her. She's my favorite person. Like she's the person I should

00:19:22.200 have married. Like, uh, and do I get guys that are kind of curious? Yes. Um, and I get

00:19:27.740 a tremendous amount of messages from people who are like, Hey man, I'm really glad you

00:19:31.220 talked about that because I, and I don't talk about it in some serious, like nobody wants

00:19:36.780 to be scolded. Nobody wants to be fucking lectured. Just be with whoever you like. Like, you know

00:19:41.500 what I mean? And if you're worried about what other people think and you live your life

00:19:44.280 for other people, you're a weak motherfucker. And then just deal with that fact about yourself.

00:19:48.840 Yeah. I've had moments in my life where I like didn't have certain girlfriends, I think,

00:19:52.280 cause I thought some of my friends wouldn't be impressed with them. Maybe we've all been

00:19:55.660 there. Yeah. You know, it just bumps me out when I look back at it at certain moments

00:19:59.100 and not like in a self pity type of way, like I'm like, but when I look back, I'm like, man,

00:20:03.360 I wish I'd have, cause in some ways I am my own person, but in ways like that, I think

00:20:07.480 I, I don't know. I had some, I had some tough times with it kind of, but growing up,

00:20:11.260 I think it's kind of common too. I mean, you know, I'm, I'm a guy in my fifties now saying

00:20:14.620 this, like, you know what I mean? Coming up when you're a really young guy, it's a little

00:20:17.580 bit different. We're more worried about what other people are going to say about us and

00:20:20.940 more like, what if the, like, you know, that whole, that whole tidal wave of disapproval

00:20:25.600 from people, what are they going to say? And after a while you're like, I've been through

00:20:28.840 it so many times. I just don't care. Yes. Like, you know, but I've had fighters even

00:20:32.840 ask me like, uh, like, uh, Hey bro, does she like, like, but asking legitimate, not

00:20:38.200 trying to asking questions that they'd be afraid to ask publicly because people would

00:20:42.500 think it was rude, but there are things that they wanted to know. Yeah. Um, and I never

00:20:46.840 mind answering that stuff. It's not, it's not some giant sacred subject. You know, you

00:20:52.300 just talk about it like you talk about anything else. You know, it's so funny. I always think

00:20:56.020 like, I know you love UFC and you and Matt, Sarah, Matt Sarah. Yeah. I've had a show for

00:21:00.280 about a decade now. About eight or nine years. Yeah. UFC unfiltered. Um, I, Dana just called

00:21:07.100 me one day. He goes, Hey, we're doing a podcast. Matt's going to do it. You want to do it?

00:21:09.700 I'm like, okay. He goes, all right. And that's how it was done. So cool. It was just a phone

00:21:13.140 call. Um, and I think it was 2016 we started. And did he fight? He fought George St. Pierre

00:21:18.620 a couple of times, didn't he? He took the title from St. Pierre. He's the last guy to beat

00:21:21.900 St. Pierre. And then George beat him in the rematch and took the title back. But Matt, Matt

00:21:27.860 is probably the most exactly how you think he's going to be guy I've ever known. He's a hundred

00:21:34.120 percent genuine. Like there's no bullshit with Matt Sarah. Like if he likes you, he

00:21:39.200 loves you. And if he doesn't like you, he can't pretend he's one of those guys. Like

00:21:43.500 he can't pretend he likes somebody he doesn't like. Uh, I love him. I have such a good time

00:21:47.960 with him. He's really funny. Um, that's awesome. Very grounded guy and fighters respect him.

00:21:53.500 Like when fighters call in, cause he's a legend. I mean, he, he did the impossible. It's the

00:21:57.540 biggest, uh, underdog story in UFC history. So when they, when they come in, they all love

00:22:02.220 talking to Matt. Like, you know what I mean? I'm just kind of there. Yeah. Like

00:22:05.580 they'll go, Oh yeah, you. And then, but Matt, you know, so it's kind of humiliating

00:22:09.020 every week. If you've ever worked with a legend, it's like really like, wow. I mean

00:22:14.120 like you see the respect he gets from fighters. I'm happy to see it. One thing that

00:22:18.140 amazes me about UFC, like, I think I, there's a, there's a, like a symbioticness

00:22:23.360 between, I feel like fighters, comedians, strippers, even like of trying to show

00:22:28.360 yourself to like trying to show something about you to be seen. Right. That's a little

00:22:33.920 bit abnormal. Do you, do you think that makes any sense a little bit? Like, cause I also feel

00:22:39.380 like I relate to some of those people, like on some kind of a, a level of like, we're

00:22:44.760 just trying to be seen somehow. I just, I just, for me, it's that way anyway. You know,

00:22:50.280 like sometimes it's like fight. Would you think like a kid, a young kid really wants to be

00:22:54.880 out there punching his brains out or he's just trying to get seen by like a, somebody

00:22:58.360 in his life or some, you know, I don't know what motivates people to fight. Like some

00:23:02.520 people like come out of poverty and it's just, they see they can do it and it's a way to make

00:23:06.300 a living. Um, and other people, uh, maybe they just realize they're athletic and they

00:23:11.540 fall into it and they start wrestling. I don't, honestly, that's a good question. I don't know.

00:23:14.680 I would equate like what you said about strippers and comics. Like there's something about

00:23:18.920 showing people something that most people keep private and wanting them to like it and,

00:23:25.420 and, and putting it out there in a way where they can like it and they can relate to that.

00:23:29.740 I definitely see a tie into like, how do I expose this thing in myself or this humiliating

00:23:35.600 factor or this insecurity and get people to look at it and kind of laugh and then go, okay.

00:23:41.540 Like you want people to laugh, right? I don't want people in the crowd going, good point,

00:23:45.000 Jim. You know, no one gives a shit about that. It's fucking embarrassing. You know,

00:23:48.020 the applause break doesn't mean anything like you want people, they have to laugh. It's

00:23:51.340 first and foremost, you know, you almost got an applause break last night. Do you feel

00:23:54.840 that one moment or it was like two claps away from an applause break?

00:23:57.480 Oh, I didn't even notice it. Yeah. I did not even notice it. I just, I plow, uh, straight

00:24:02.680 through and, uh, I very rarely get applause breaks. You know what I mean? Um, maybe I move

00:24:07.700 to, I never do either, but then sometimes you see guys, yeah, I mean like watching Louie

00:24:11.060 yesterday too. He gets, but he's on, he goes into so much. Oh, you're so bizarre. By the end

00:24:17.280 of his stories, you're so deep. It's like, what a great brain, like watching him. Uh,

00:24:22.180 we've been out on the road and, uh, we got a bunch more dates coming up and just watching

00:24:26.100 his brain work. Like each bit is crafted. Like some of these things are such ludicrous

00:24:31.180 thoughts. And then they just wind up, the crowd agrees the thought and they go into this

00:24:36.280 strange area. It's so much fun to watch, like how creative a standup can be. Yeah. Yes.

00:24:42.060 Yeah. And it's so inspiring watching both of you guys, man. There's moments where I'm

00:24:45.720 watching the people in the crowd and a lot of times it feels like it's a guy and they

00:24:49.520 usually are holding their girl pretty close. It's kind of like they convince the girl,

00:24:53.000 Oh, it's going to, we're going to have a great time. You're going to love these guys.

00:24:56.360 And they, they're doing extra, like, I'm going to put my arm around my girl and make sure

00:24:59.600 she knows we're here together tonight, even though he can feel them, like maybe really some

00:25:05.000 disdain at some of the material.

00:25:07.060 I feel people pull back sometimes, which is, you know what I mean? I, I, I talk about

00:25:11.680 certain things. I, I feel people, but that's, that's what it is. It is what it is. Um, you

00:25:17.060 know, I don't, one thing I avoid doing, like I never preach politics on, it's so boring to

00:25:23.480 lecture the audience.

00:25:25.020 Oh, I agree.

00:25:25.680 Oh my God. I don't need to convince them of anything.

00:25:28.240 Yeah.

00:25:28.520 Like I want them to have a good time and hopefully see it, my point, even if they don't agree

00:25:32.860 with it, I want them to know why I got there and that's it. Like you can't try to change.

00:25:36.360 Like no one's going to walk out of my fucking show educated.

00:25:39.600 Yeah.

00:25:39.860 It's not my job. I blink a lot. I dropped out of high school. No one's coming to me to teach

00:25:44.080 them a lesson.

00:25:45.120 Ice coffee, cold coffee, cold coffee.

00:25:48.060 Dude, you had the one, uh, I don't know if it was in, in, uh, Unconceivable or if it was

00:25:52.360 on stage last night, it was about, oh, the military and some of them aren't mentally well.

00:25:57.460 That was last night. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:25:59.580 And you're like, that's who we want over there. You think I want the fucking, I don't want mentally

00:26:04.040 with what you would consider mentally healthy. I don't want that to some, yeah, the nervous

00:26:08.060 college kid creeping around with his little gun. Yeah. I want the fucking completely deranged

00:26:13.060 person. The crazier you think somebody is the more likely I want them to be sent over with

00:26:17.360 a fucking weapon. Yeah, you do. You face that like, but a lot of it's common sense pushback

00:26:22.120 against where like, I think progressives were very crazy. And I also think some of it's bigotry.

00:26:26.200 Like people look at like, it's just one thing. It's like anything in life. It's there's, there's

00:26:30.920 look at this. Then you look at that. And then you look at that. Everything is an individual

00:26:33.960 thing to be looked at. There's not one answer that covers all of it.

00:26:37.020 Yeah, I agree. I mean, I'll have people ask me about how could I, um, you know, how could

00:26:42.460 I probably lean more conservative in the last election, but then also be a, uh, a Palestine

00:26:50.480 advocate, you know? It's like, I don't see how any of those things are connected. Like I, I, I,

00:26:56.020 I would never attach myself to one specific, like, so I'm this way for everything. That

00:27:00.380 seems crazy to me. It's because people are dumb and they masquerade as these real brave

00:27:05.560 truth tellers. But a lot of people are very frightened of pushback from the group that

00:27:10.200 they belong to. So they do everything lockstep with the group they belong to. You can have

00:27:15.080 mixed feelings about things. Like you can, you can be an advocate for Palestine and, and

00:27:19.800 then you can also like AOC and you can vote for Trump. Like you, you can have mixed feelings

00:27:24.520 about things. People just want to say you're, you're here or you're there, but that's their

00:27:28.660 own, uh, fear of being left out alone. They're, they're afraid of being isolated. So they need

00:27:34.060 the group. They're joiners, but they're masquerading as brave truth tellers. It's annoying.

00:27:37.840 This episode is sponsored by better help. You know, I do this thing where I'll be at the

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00:30:28.520 So since you ended up marrying a trans woman, cut that out. Sorry.

00:30:32.380 That's what she said too. Cut that off. That's where I was trying to go. It's almost there. I messed it up.

00:30:45.900 Yeah, that's okay. If she wanted to, she could. I'd miss her.

00:30:49.540 Yeah, dude. Do you think we are getting more like, do you think we're getting more, I don't want to say

00:31:00.080 depraved, but it's more in one view it'd be depraved if you looked at like these evangelical

00:31:04.840 type of views or like, you know, like, um, people that came over on the Mayflower, like sexually they'd

00:31:10.880 see us probably as more depraved. Sure. But do you feel like we're just evolving or just adjusting

00:31:16.300 into different, more sexual norms? Yeah, I think so. And it's also like the depravity.

00:31:21.180 Like, I don't believe people's, like, I don't believe the people, some of them sure, but the

00:31:26.860 majority of the ones who are scolding and going, oh, how could you do that? And then you realize

00:31:31.060 that in DC, these prostitutes are going, do you know how many of these senators I fuck or how many

00:31:35.420 of these congressmen I fuck? Like, so I don't, I don't buy any of it. Like there are people who live

00:31:40.140 that way. But, um, as far as again, a moral lecture or, or a sexual, uh, acceptability lecture

00:31:47.000 from some, I just, I don't believe any of them and I don't respect any of their opinions, but yeah,

00:31:51.840 I think we are more open than we used to be. Sure. Yeah. I mean, what's considered the norm now is,

00:31:56.480 is different. I mean, back in the Mayflower days, if you were fucking gay, they'd probably hit you

00:32:00.780 with a rod. I don't know what they'd do, but it wasn't good. They weren't happy to see, but I bet they

00:32:04.300 had, I bet there was low key, a lot of support for gay men on those boats because you're on the ship for a,

00:32:10.020 a long time. In high stockings. I mean, come on, are you going to tell me? You're going to tell me

00:32:15.340 Miles Standish didn't get his asshole played with? I hope that was his name. But yeah, you're telling

00:32:25.220 me you're out there drinking. How many women were on the Mayflower? Let's take a Gantt because

00:32:29.800 that's going to help. I'm going to guess very few or none or none. I think that's a great point.

00:32:35.520 How many women were on the Mayflower? Probably none of them. Probably all men.

00:32:38.020 The number of women, most sources agree that 18 adult women began the Mayflower journey.

00:32:44.700 Only four or five women were still alive by the spring of 1621. Oh my God. I guess there was a

00:32:52.800 long line outside each door. Yeah. Can you imagine that though? Yeah. Hiding pregnancy. Three of the

00:32:58.220 women, Elizabeth Hopkins, Susanna White, and Mary Allerton were pregnant during the voyage.

00:33:02.820 And the crazy part is there's no way to prove whose baby it was back then until it's born and

00:33:07.620 you look at it and go, oh yeah, it's your baby. Because there was no DNA testing. There was no,

00:33:11.560 so 10 guys fuck you and one of them get you pregnant. Oh, oh well. God, can you imagine though?

00:33:18.500 Guys would just be trying to get you drunk so that they could then go approach your wife

00:33:22.000 or they would just be trying to get somebody else, like some other guys, get them and another man

00:33:27.480 so drunk that they could just pretend that they weren't gay for a little while. For a little

00:33:32.960 while. Yeah. Oh, and have sex with the, uh, the woman. Yeah. Or no, or no jerk off the man or have

00:33:37.920 sex with the man, but just be like, oh, Susanna just keeps saying a woman's name during it or

00:33:42.780 something. Oh, and pretend like by that point, you hope that you wouldn't like it. Cause if you're

00:33:47.860 fucking a guy, he's got to know that you're enjoying it. Um, and vice versa. You hope that you

00:33:52.000 wouldn't have to be thinking about a woman just to convince yourself. But you might have to be like,

00:33:57.360 what's going on here? You know, like there's some, I'm sure like astute white males or whatever

00:34:02.460 who were like, you know, in some of these, you know, who were probably getting money from APAC or

00:34:07.940 whatever, who were definitely, you know, who were like banging a guy and be like, what's happening

00:34:12.860 here? This is, you know, like a tremors from an earth. Yeah. Man, the windows or something.

00:34:18.920 Yeah. What's going on there? Yeah. No, I understand. What's going on. I'm going to come

00:34:23.620 in this guy. Oh my God. How did this happen? I must've fallen. Veto. Yeah. But yes, in a way

00:34:28.860 you're right. Because I remember it's fun. When I was a kid, when I first started jerking

00:34:31.800 off, you know, I would always try to think of girls, but sometimes I would think of boys.

00:34:35.220 And if I thought of a boy, I was so filled with shame that when I came, I would throw a woman

00:34:40.600 in there. Like I would like press the button. The last slide would be a girl's face. Like, oh,

00:34:44.760 I just straight, you know, it was just, it was such self delusion. Like, right. But

00:34:49.040 yeah, that, in that way, you're right. It's all about shame and how to, how to stave off

00:34:53.420 the shame you feel about whatever it is. Yeah. And our society does adjust so much

00:34:59.460 of that. And, but it is interesting. Like, you know, I go to recovery meetings, I'm in

00:35:03.880 SLA recovery and stuff like that. And so, and it's interesting because a lot of it's intimacy

00:35:07.800 disorders, porn addiction, like there's so many things like, um, you know, a lot of

00:35:13.860 my, I'd be like, call me or stay away. Like that was a, like, I would want something like

00:35:18.000 a woman to be close to me. But then when they got close to me, I didn't want them to, you

00:35:21.140 know, just like a lot of like, just, just anarchy.

00:35:25.500 It's being addicted to the hunt as well. It's being addicted to the, the lead up to something

00:35:31.860 happening. And then when it's happening, you're right. You're like, get away. Okay. Now, because

00:35:34.740 the lead up was the high, the lead up of the thing. And now that you're here, okay, now

00:35:39.240 it's time for the next drug run, so to speak. Yeah. I definitely get that.

00:35:43.740 Yeah. Maybe that's what it was. For me, it was like, I would literally look at hookers

00:35:47.120 all night. I would ride around for hours listening to Art Bell on, uh, on NPR. Uh, no, he was

00:35:53.800 on, uh, 770 or 660. Was it Russell Limbaugh? No, no. Art Bell was a guy. He was like in

00:35:59.240 Pahrump, Nevada. And he was like very big into like UFOs and. Oh yeah. That's that

00:36:04.580 guy. He was the best. Oh, and he passed away. He did die, but I would ride around the meat

00:36:09.320 packing district and look at prostitutes for hours. I would do the comedy cellar and

00:36:13.000 then ride around. But the ritual for me was looking and talking. And most times I wouldn't

00:36:17.840 pick up. I would just ride around and look and be in that space. So a lot of times it's

00:36:22.540 the whole idea of doing something even more than doing it. Like sometimes you do it, but

00:36:26.880 other times it's just the idea of it. Oh dude. Yeah. Would there be certain things like

00:36:30.920 during the interview process, like with the, when you chat with them, we just kind of

00:36:34.040 say, and you'd, every now and then you just hear a certain thing and you'd be like, I'll

00:36:37.120 spend more time with this person. Oh, when I would talk to them, you know, if I was attracted

00:36:41.140 to them, sure. But if I thought they might be a cop, I was so ritualistic. Like they would

00:36:45.260 have to approach the left side of my window. Like there was weird ritualistic things that

00:36:51.200 had to be clicked. Like any addiction, right? There's this weird, this box is checked, that

00:36:55.340 box is checked and then I can proceed. But if it didn't happen, it would, one box wasn't

00:37:00.160 checked. It would wreck the whole experience. But yeah, that, that whole, that that's addiction

00:37:03.580 is so crazy. Sex is hard. Like porn, I still struggle with porn. I have a hard time. I go

00:37:08.940 into it. I come out of it. It's, it's hard. I know. I just hate the way that I feel after

00:37:12.920 I noticed finally, I hate the way I feel the next day after watching and I just feel a little

00:37:16.860 bit like dissolved. I feel like a, like a, like the day before I was kind of a bit of a

00:37:22.520 Rubik's cube and all the color that were matching on the sides and everything. And then the next

00:37:26.500 day I just feel kind of broken and I, it takes a day for me to get my energy back organized kind

00:37:32.460 of. That's a good way to put it. Dissolved. That's a, that's a really good way to put it.

00:37:35.720 Like you feel like kind of like it's a, it's a collapsed feeling like, and dissolved is the

00:37:41.040 perfect way. You don't feel strong and, and, and whole, you know, and it's not a moral thing. It's

00:37:47.280 just, it's all that weird chemicals from like your own drug administrator. Like when, you know what

00:37:52.500 I mean? I'm sitting there, it's not attractive. It's just me twiddling my nip. Fucking chimp.

00:38:00.320 And Oh, if you had to watch a video of yourself jerking off for over all the years, you'd be

00:38:04.280 like, somebody shut this guy down. Somebody put this kid out of his misery.

00:38:09.720 Yeah. What is he doing? This is long and unpleasant. It'd be like the director's cut of apocalypse

00:38:14.400 now. We're like, I get why they took that stuff out. We didn't need the fucking dinner with

00:38:18.280 the French people sucked. Uh, yeah. If I had, if you had to watch yourself jerk, especially

00:38:22.400 if you could add up all the time. Yeah. The amount of hours or weeks or months, whatever

00:38:26.460 it could immediately. I bet you'd quit immediately. And it is wasted time. Oh yeah. Um, it really

00:38:31.080 is. Oh, the waste. And, but I would do the same thing. Like if I would look at like, I

00:38:35.460 would get high on cocaine, I would look at hookers online. Oh yeah. Yeah. And I would

00:38:40.020 like just be looking, I would look at the photo and I would be like, ah, you know, and then

00:38:44.960 I would barter. I was like just poor and I would barter. And then you're, and then, but

00:38:50.300 then when someone would come over, I would often take the money, put it out of the door,

00:38:58.260 give it to them and have them go home. I was too nervous to have somebody like in my presence.

00:39:03.920 One time a lady came over and she had, she said that she had to get a brain tumor taken

00:39:09.680 out or something. And I was like, well, you know, and I just sat with her for a little

00:39:13.860 while and talked about, talked about some stuff and then just she just went home.

00:39:17.920 Yeah. It, it, sometime when you, you also realize like they're real people and then

00:39:21.960 you realize like, why am I doing this? Like I used to love talking to women after, like

00:39:26.820 I used to love the conversation afterwards, like after sex or whatever, we would just sit

00:39:31.200 and chat or if I would drop them off, we would talk. And I realized it was just, it's

00:39:34.920 a lot of loneliness. Like you're just lonely and you don't know how else to, to, to meet

00:39:39.360 somebody. I didn't know how to go out and talk to people. So that was a way of meeting

00:39:42.480 people. That shit I don't miss. Like being married, the one thing I, I, I like, like

00:39:48.080 I can just call my wife and talk to like, you know what I mean? Like we actually, it's,

00:39:52.460 it's a nice stable thing to have in your life. Like a person who you really like and

00:39:57.540 loving somebody. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, you have to like them too. It's not enough to

00:40:00.820 love somebody. Like you have to like talking to them and you have to enjoy. And we have

00:40:04.780 our dumb dog and I'll just be on FaceTime with her and the dog. And I'm like, this is the

00:40:08.420 life I want. The dog shits all over. It makes me furious, but it's still a nice life. Yeah.

00:40:14.240 You know what I mean? Compared to what was going on before, which was very lonely and

00:40:17.600 isolated. Yeah, it does. It's just interesting. You get kind of like trapped in patterns over

00:40:22.500 time. And when you're a comedian, it feels like you're not, you don't ever have to grow

00:40:26.700 or I don't know if it's a comedian. I don't know. I've struggled at certain points in my

00:40:30.240 life to grow up. You know, I didn't realize for years that I hadn't been growing up really.

00:40:34.240 I was kind of trapped, I think for, and like a child's ways in a lot of times, but they

00:40:39.480 were working out. Okay. Because we're in comedy and it's like, you don't have a ton

00:40:43.160 of responsibility. It's all on you. You have to show up. You know, it's like, you know,

00:40:48.740 it felt almost like a kid could do it. And, but you also, there's something about that

00:40:52.400 that is good too. Like, cause our impression of somebody growing up and getting older was

00:40:57.000 like, you know, you, you, you go up, you retire, you get the gold watch and then you go into

00:41:00.940 a home and you're finished. Like there was a process and there was a definitive end at

00:41:05.720 the end of the tunnel. But when you always feel like I don't have to grow up and follow

00:41:09.320 that pattern, you always feel like, I don't know what's ahead of me. Like you don't see

00:41:13.380 the end. Wait, say that part again. I want to hear it. You don't feel like you can always

00:41:17.160 see the end. You don't know what's ahead because you're not following the pattern of people

00:41:21.000 growing up. So it makes everything more exciting. You think more exciting. Yeah. And you feel

00:41:24.300 like there's an endless amount of time. I don't know which direction this is going to go

00:41:27.580 in. That's the terrifying part of doing things the way like your parents do it is

00:41:32.320 that you see A, B, C, D. But if you're kind of stuck between A and B in some way, you have

00:41:39.920 no idea where you're headed yet. And it still feels like the end is not directly in front

00:41:43.320 of me. And that makes you also continue to feel young because it's that same feeling that

00:41:47.140 you always had when you were young. Yeah, it's kind of, it is. It's a way, and I think it's

00:41:50.640 a healthy way to be. I don't think it's crazy. As long as you're paying your bills and

00:41:53.960 you're decent to the person that you're with, like, you know, it's a fun life. Like

00:41:58.300 we fought to not have a boss, to not have a retirement age. Like that, this is the dream

00:42:03.080 life. This is what I wanted to do. Sometimes I'll be in a hotel mad. I'm like, shut up,

00:42:07.320 you fucking asshole. How many of your friends have to get up and go to a warehouse on Tuesday

00:42:10.980 morning and you're mad you have to drive to Asheville? Shut up. Yeah. Like, I mean, this

00:42:15.840 is like what you wanted and you got it. So even with great jobs, there's annoying parts

00:42:21.220 of it. Yeah, that's the truth. And it's fun. It's fun. You're going to get to go to Asheville.

00:42:25.440 That place is amazing. Did I remember the first time? That's one of the true, the blessings

00:42:29.560 I think of having worked in this job is like, like I got to go to La Crosse, Wisconsin, dude

00:42:34.680 blew my mind. What is it? It's a town in Wisconsin. It's like this beautiful, like hill, like kind

00:42:40.700 of small mountain right on the edge of it. And it's just amazing, man. It's like we were

00:42:46.400 right there, like the weekend before Halloween. So you had like all the kids being like brought

00:42:50.500 home from their parents after school and their costumes and the leaves are all fall.

00:42:54.340 It just looked like you couldn't, it was like the perfect place to grow up is what it looked

00:42:58.820 like. Do you want kids? Yeah. I want to have kids. You do? Yeah. I just think I would like

00:43:04.160 to do it. I would like, I think it'll help me like just not think about me. You know,

00:43:08.100 you start to get exhausted of yourself. Yes. And they say that's the one, that's the thing.

00:43:13.460 Kids open up that thing. And I know that by not having kids and I've never wanted kids.

00:43:17.220 I don't feel like I'm missing. No, never, never. Does Nikki want them?

00:43:20.500 She would love to adopt. She would love to adopt. I could see you getting something

00:43:24.460 cool. I could see me dying and then her doing that, which is great. I told her like when

00:43:29.620 I drop dead, do what you want. Sell my stupid kiss posters and get yourself a kid. But I've

00:43:35.200 never wanted it. I don't feel like, I don't dislike kids, but I don't feel it. But when

00:43:39.240 I hear somebody who wants them like that, it does supposedly open up a part of you and everyone

00:43:44.740 I know who has kids says it. Like it's a good thing. And you start thinking about something

00:43:49.500 other than yourself and your purpose is other than yourself. Yeah. For me, it's, I haven't

00:43:53.800 had that. So maybe that's why I'm half miserable fucking idiot in my fifties on Japanese kiss

00:43:59.960 poster auction sites, like a fucking idiot. Instead of worrying about my kid's soccer game.

00:44:04.400 You know what I mean? Maybe that's, maybe you're right. That's, it's probably, it opens up that

00:44:07.540 part's healthier. Going back to like, um, if you had, if you were able to, if you're, is there

00:44:12.580 part of you like, cause you said that if I died, then, uh, my wife could go ahead and

00:44:17.660 get, if she wants to get kids and that's fine. Is there a little part of you that's like,

00:44:23.120 that still feels like having a family in a weird way? Like at least I was able to help

00:44:29.600 and support somebody and create an environment for them to have a family, like in a weird

00:44:34.600 way. Does that make any sense? No, but it's not, when you say it, it sounds really nice,

00:44:38.620 but it's never occurred to me. Like, um, again, I, I feel like with my wife and a small dog,

00:44:44.620 it's such a different life than I ever had. Like it's a hundred percent different that I feel like

00:44:51.320 that's my family. Okay. Got it. But you're right. Like I am facilitating for someone to have them if

00:44:56.220 she wants them. Cause I tell her I'll be dead long before you. Like, so do what you want when I'm

00:45:00.820 dead. I don't care. Sell my shit and you know, find some young fucking Latin guy and you know,

00:45:05.540 have a great life. And she would believe me while they were still powdering my face in the casket,

00:45:11.340 getting fucked. They should have a tattoo of you on the guy's back though. That would be kind of

00:45:15.980 or on his stomach. So she really has to look at it when they're intimate. Um, no, I, she'll do what

00:45:22.500 she wants. I just never wanted it, man. I don't, I don't have anything against it. I respect it.

00:45:26.440 All my friends who do it are happy. They did it. I watched Bobby Kelly go like from being a single

00:45:31.580 guy. And then, you know, long-term relationship son loves, he loves his life like that. Like

00:45:37.160 it's just not for me. Like I see it and I'm happy for my friends, but I don't envy it. Yeah. Do you

00:45:43.520 know what I mean? Like when I'm around children, I never go like that instinct in me is never,

00:45:48.780 and it doesn't pull me in that direction. Um, even around my nephews who I love very much,

00:45:54.380 I would love them and hang out with them, but it never made me want to go have a kid. Got it.

00:45:58.740 Um, but I don't know. Maybe that's selfish, right? Maybe I'm a selfish, maybe I, maybe

00:46:03.100 it's selfish. So also to have them like, I wouldn't have them just in order to get me

00:46:07.660 out of my own, uh, ego jail that happens sometimes. I mean, I know it's like, yeah, I would like

00:46:14.180 to be able to have like, I think part of me is like, I would like to be able to create

00:46:17.700 a safe experience for a child in the world because I don't know if I felt like I had that

00:46:22.160 a lot of times. I felt like I want to try my best to fill in some of those holes that I didn't

00:46:25.900 have to, because I think our lineage kind of deserves that somewhat. And, and I think

00:46:33.140 since I've really loved, love that childhood stuff and a lot of like the emotional side

00:46:38.580 of it, I think I could probably service that pretty well. Right. So I would like to like

00:46:42.940 respectfully try my hand at that with a woman who is a very loving mom who wants to be a mom

00:46:49.260 and with a kid who is willing to, you know, be, you know, just be my son or daughter.

00:46:55.320 Well, you would actually like, you know, because you have this, like you said, we don't grow

00:46:58.560 up. There's a lot of time to have fun with a kid too. Like, you know what I mean? Like

00:47:02.220 in our life, it does afford us a lot of things that most people can't do. Like you can book

00:47:06.960 a gig on the road. If you want to go to Hawaii, you book Hawaii and you could bring your family.

00:47:11.000 Like most people can't do that. Right. They have to schedule it around. Like I'm not doing

00:47:14.900 radio for the first time in 20 years. And it's so weird not having a schedule. It's

00:47:19.480 so weird not going, okay, well, Labor Day, Memorial Day, like this is when we get off.

00:47:22.960 This is when we don't get off to just be able to go on the road and do what I want to do

00:47:26.920 is a very foreign feeling. I love it. It's nice. And having a kid, you could do that.

00:47:31.780 You could just book a place, not to, you know, having a kid and having a radio show are the

00:47:35.800 same thing. But yeah, I don't know. You got to get up early. Yeah, you're right. It kind

00:47:41.540 of sucks. You kind of don't want to look at the people you're talking to. Yeah. Exactly.

00:47:44.900 Having a kid. It's like any other partnership. The food sucks. The food sucks. Yeah. The

00:47:51.020 hours are kind of annoying. You got to wake up when you don't want to wake up. You're

00:47:54.800 fucking cranky through most of it. Yeah. Yeah. Your partner's there. Fuck them. You

00:47:58.600 know, it's like, yeah. Cause they made it in before I did. You're like, you're happy

00:48:02.560 to be here, aren't you? Yeah. But I do, I do kind of miss it a little bit. Like I miss

00:48:06.060 the structure of it, but I also like not having it. Oh, it was so much fun when you guys

00:48:09.860 had, I mean, I only got to go when it was open. Actually I came when it was Jim and Sam

00:48:12.800 too. Okay. But I never got to go when Anthony was there. Yeah. Um, but it was fun. Like,

00:48:17.620 I mean, that was like some of the first times I ever got to be in a place where like people

00:48:21.240 got to hear my voice that were like paying attention. Yeah. Um, like we talked to Bobby

00:48:25.780 Kennedy on that show, which was on you guys' show, which was crazy. Cause he and I became

00:48:29.180 friends years later, which was wild. Was he in studio? Like I think he was in studio with

00:48:34.200 us, wasn't he? Like, uh, for some reason, did Robert Kennedy just call in? He called

00:48:39.940 in. Oh, it was a phone call. I thought I saw a picture of all of us together. And

00:48:43.220 I'd never heard of him. And I thought he'd been like electrocuted or fucking, you know,

00:48:47.740 or people were fucking him while he was talking or whatever. Like I didn't know what was going

00:48:50.920 on. Those are really bizarre reasons for the voice. Yeah. Wait, is that him right there?

00:48:55.320 Oh, nevermind. I thought I saw that. That's myself. I can't, I don't have my glasses.

00:49:00.800 That's me. And, uh, Florentine and Opie and, uh, yeah. And that's Robert Kennedy. I didn't

00:49:07.040 remember that. Look at how skinny I was. No, I, I know back then I, I look like a weird

00:49:12.220 photoshopped version of what I am now. You look almost feminine there a little bit.

00:49:17.040 Kind of like a white Charlemagne kind of. That is funny. And he would hate that. Uh,

00:49:25.520 he knows I think he's a handsome guy. No, no, no. But nobody wants to be Jim Norton to be

00:49:29.820 like, yeah, you kind of resemble Jim Norton. Uh, but that you're right. I, it is like

00:49:34.840 a little, my, my wife hates me like that. Like, she's like, you fucking look like a

00:49:39.080 little twink. You look sick. I don't like it. She like, you're not a fucking small.

00:49:42.820 You're a medium. She makes me, uh, she never wants me to be like that again, but that's

00:49:47.780 how I want to be. And it does look kind of sickly. Like when I see that, like my neck,

00:49:52.360 my head, like, and I was so depressed at that point in my life. So I wasn't even happy.

00:49:56.560 Well, you seem like you were doing great. And then Daryl Strawberry, that's the day I

00:50:00.340 came in so coked up. Were you coked up that day? Oh bro. That's, that started my, that,

00:50:05.380 that, that day I made a story for Ari Shafir's show. And that story, like that story, like

00:50:13.800 is when people started paying attention to, uh, my comedy. Oh really? Yeah. I ended up on

00:50:19.380 in a taxi cab, driving a taxi cab, high on cocaine. The driver had picked me up.

00:50:24.560 There was a girl in the cab. We're dropping her off. She kind of rejected me. I didn't

00:50:28.960 like make like, I was just like, she was laying in my lap. I was trying to like give her a

00:50:32.560 kiss, you know? Cause you feel like she was flirting. She laid in my lap and like, so I

00:50:36.480 like, you know, whatever. And I didn't get, be aggressive, but she like, was like, what

00:50:40.180 are you doing? And so then I felt some rejection. She, she got dropped off where she was going.

00:50:45.600 It was just me and the driver. And I was like, let's go get some coke. You know, we can get

00:50:49.680 some cocaine. And then it was like next two hours later I'm driving. He has a hooker.

00:50:54.400 He's bought hookers for us. He's in the back of the taxi. We're up in like Washington, Washington

00:50:59.280 Heights, Washington Heights. Yep. And I've, I have to be at the radio station the next

00:51:04.320 morning at like six 30. I get dropped off at my hotel at five 50, right? It's a couple

00:51:10.680 blocks away. I shower and I walk over there, dude. And it was the scariest walk ever. Cause

00:51:16.220 every moment of the walk was so scary. And I just was like rattled and I got inside and

00:51:21.720 I sat on the show. I couldn't even talk. I don't remember Daryl Strawberry was the guest

00:51:25.920 and I'd always thought he was like this drug addict and here he was pure as a driven snow

00:51:30.940 sober. He's clean and sober. I think he still is. I hope he still is. But yeah, he can't

00:51:34.780 Joe Torrey told us about him about the plane going in. It was really bad turbulence and everyone

00:51:39.020 was panicking, but Daryl was reading his Bible in the back. So like he turned around and

00:51:42.680 like has this sober life and it's weird being fucked up around somebody that

00:51:46.120 sober. It's uncomfortable. And I'd always thought he was this way. And I'd always

00:51:50.660 thought I was kind of like toe in the line and do, you know, straight. And then it was

00:51:54.880 this moment where everything, and that's when I got in a, uh, recovery rooms after that.

00:51:59.860 Really? Yeah. Yeah. That was literally the two days after that show. Like, you know, the

00:52:03.760 Opie and Anthony show is, it was a different thing. Like it was, you know, an Opie and I did

00:52:07.180 what we could. It's hard to follow the Opie and Anthony show. I mean, it's a, it's a hard

00:52:11.460 act to follow. Um, especially when it was uprooted without any one of us wanting it

00:52:16.080 to be uprooted. Um, but man, I look back at that show and I'm really glad I was a part

00:52:20.240 of that. Like there was some really funny shit on that show. Great comics coming through

00:52:25.260 everyone being vicious to each other. Like, you know what I mean? It was a really, uh,

00:52:30.300 there was a lot of fun times on that show.

00:52:31.920 God, that was so fun. You got, it felt like the luckiest place in the world. There was

00:52:36.580 no better call you could get at the time in the country, I don't think, than to go

00:52:40.740 on to that show. And some people didn't even recognize it and that's fine. Fuck

00:52:44.580 them. But to go in there and sit in there with guys, DeStefano, Sherrod Small, Pete

00:52:50.520 Davidson, Mark Norman would be in there just like, uh, everybody, Vic Henley, like

00:52:55.840 Greg, um, Florentine. Oh, Jim Florentine. My bad. Yeah. Just all those guys, man. That

00:53:02.280 was magical. It was fun. And it was a good, you would see your friends. I mean, the last

00:53:06.060 time I saw Patrice, I remember he was on, uh, he was on, uh, was on ONA and he was

00:53:10.780 coming in one day and they're like, Hey, Patrice is coming in either Thursday or

00:53:14.620 Friday. And we were just having an after show meeting and they're like, do you have

00:53:17.100 any preference? And I remember going, Hey, let's do Thursday because, uh, I'm traveling

00:53:21.420 Friday. I won't be here. And I wanted to see him. And he came in and he did the

00:53:25.120 show and that was the last time I saw him. Like, so it was like, you saw people

00:53:28.740 that you would not have been likely to see coming through friends that were on

00:53:34.140 the road. Uh, you would always get to see them cause they'd come in the studio

00:53:37.460 that I miss a lot being in the center of that. Like, you know what I mean? And you

00:53:42.680 know, everyone headlines. So you don't see your friends anymore. You'd probably go

00:53:45.180 years without seeing guys that you like. Totally. But you know, there I would see

00:53:49.500 guys come, come through. And, uh, yeah, man, I, I really, I love those days a lot. It

00:53:54.560 was special. Yeah, I felt like it was. Um, you got to go to, uh, you went to Ozzy's

00:54:00.760 last show. Yeah. Me and Jim Florentine. Florentine got me my first paid gig in

00:54:05.060 comedy. He's my oldest friend in comedy. And, uh, we knew Sabbath was doing one

00:54:09.140 more show. So we went to London and Birmingham, booked a couple of gigs just

00:54:13.880 to pay for the trip. Yeah. And we did get to go to the show. I was, I'm so happy we

00:54:18.840 went. Yeah. Yeah. And we said hello to Ozzy briefly at the end. Um, again, he was very

00:54:23.680 frail at that point. Um, he was in a wheelchair, but we still got to say hello. And I'm really

00:54:28.640 happy we got to say hi at least. And Hey man, I love the show. It was great. Um, yeah, it

00:54:33.000 was, it was an unbelievable trip. We went to the black Sabbath house. We did a video

00:54:38.080 where the, you know, you ever see the original black Sabbath album cover. There's a, a woman

00:54:41.240 in front of, uh, this, this ominous house. Um, and we went there and we actually went up

00:54:46.680 and looked inside. It was, it was a really, it was like, you know, again, with your, your

00:54:50.100 dumb friend, it's like, we should have done this 40 years ago. Yeah. Like the fact that

00:54:53.680 we did this in our late fifties, we should both be fucking pushed into a ditch. Idiots.

00:54:59.000 Oh, dude. Yeah. Well, there's also shit you get into on the road. Did you get to see Jack

00:55:04.360 or Kelly or, um, uh, yes, I saw both of them backstage. Um, I don't know Kelly. She's

00:55:10.340 a sweetheart and she, she actually, uh, uh, you know, she told me she was getting married

00:55:15.040 and she was very sweet and Jack is always great. Um, and it's funny the day Ozzy died,

00:55:20.020 I was supposed to be in LA doing Jack's podcast. I was going out after Sabbath to LA for a day

00:55:26.980 to do the podcast. And, uh, the day before, whatever they canceled, they're like, yeah,

00:55:31.100 Ozzy, Ozzy died. So, you know, it sucks. Nobody was expecting it this soon.

00:55:36.260 Did you, do you feel like, like as you get older and people like, like heroes start to kind

00:55:41.400 of disappear. What is that kind of like? You, you do see, it's almost like I look at us

00:55:46.040 like we're on a production line. Like, you know what I mean? Like going this way. And

00:55:49.980 the more of them that drop off the end, you're like, Oh, my turn is coming. Like, but I also

00:55:55.400 am grateful. Like it makes you grateful. Like you get to know people, you get to meet people

00:55:59.000 you love. Who's the biggest hero you've met since you've been doing standup that you actually

00:56:03.280 got to talk to? Um, that's a good question. Or even the first one, probably Chris rock.

00:56:10.600 I think really like for comedic hero for sure. Like getting to meet him was pretty, I thought

00:56:15.900 was pretty special. Chris Pratt. I really liked getting to meet just because I think there's

00:56:19.620 something really special about him. Like, I think he's a great entertainer, but I, there's

00:56:23.600 something I think really special about him. Um, are you shocked when they're fans of yours

00:56:27.920 too? Like if you had anybody that you love, like Jason Momoa, like the other day I was

00:56:32.720 walking through somewhere and this big arm comes out and just pulls me in. It was just

00:56:36.680 like two different areas past and there was an open door in between them. And I was just

00:56:40.080 like, Oh my God. It's like, and I thought, I said, it's the guy from shark tank, right?

00:56:43.400 I fucked up and he just started laughing. He was like, and he said whatever show it was

00:56:50.180 or whatever. Um, but he was just really nice and like, uh, and he likes your show and he

00:56:56.180 just said, Hey man, I'm a, I just want to let you know that I'm a fan of yours. And yeah,

00:56:59.660 yeah. Things like that, especially like if it's sometimes like a male figure, I think it

00:57:03.340 like, um, like I didn't have a lot of that when I was a kid, I didn't have like any male

00:57:07.500 ever like being like, you know, I'm a fan of yours or like, I like what you, you know,

00:57:11.220 I just didn't have any of that energy in my life. And so like even little moments like

00:57:15.420 that, like to me are, are big, you know? Um, even Dustin Poirier, he and I becoming

00:57:20.400 friends over the years.

00:57:21.320 Oh, I love him. I've never, he's one of the few guys in the UFC I haven't met. I love

00:57:24.120 Dustin.

00:57:24.540 Yeah. I mean, he kind of changed my life in some ways of like, um, just of like, uh, you

00:57:31.000 know, I, you know, like just checking in what's up, you know, just little things like

00:57:34.200 that, you know, it makes you, I don't know, like having like a tough figure that that's

00:57:38.480 like, you know, I'm looking out for you to something, little thing like that, even though

00:57:42.080 it's not even, it just kind of, it, it, it attaches itself to an old place in me that

00:57:46.400 was missing part of a magnet.

00:57:47.820 Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent.

00:57:48.840 And when those click, it like makes you feel something.

00:57:50.840 There's a weird thing too. When you have figures like that in your life who are checking in

00:57:54.660 on you, there's like a weird sense of like accountability in a way, like even though you're not, you're

00:57:58.800 just friends, but you still don't want your friend to say, Hey, how you doing? And you go, uh, fucking like

00:58:02.660 you want to at least be doing something good and your friends can keep you somewhat accountable.

00:58:08.500 Like, you know what I mean? And not in the way that, you know, people use it now. Like

00:58:11.820 you gotta be accountable for it. It's sad. Like that shitty fucking online gotcha nonsense

00:58:17.060 these children are doing. But I mean like, like when, when you're personally just feeling

00:58:20.840 like, I don't want to let this guy down and have him think I'm an asshole.

00:58:23.960 Right. I'm going to get out of bed today or I'm going to go do this extra thing. Just

00:58:26.840 little things like that that keep people inspired. And then I think we all do that for

00:58:29.980 each other in some ways, you know, like, um, I'll get that feeling sometimes like, I'm

00:58:33.560 just going to rattle this off to this person. Even if they don't hit me back, that's fine.

00:58:36.680 That's right. Just let them know, Hey man, I'm thinking about you. Just let you know,

00:58:40.000 you know, I think you're great or I care about you. You're doing great today. Just little

00:58:43.220 things like that, you know? And I think sometimes my brother's like, well, those are things you

00:58:46.960 really wish that people would say to you. And I'm like, that's fine. But I think the feeling

00:58:51.800 I get is that I want to share it with somebody else. So it's, it's still okay. Right.

00:58:55.760 A hundred percent. And you're right. And the older you get and the more people that die,

00:59:00.040 like the more people like that die of natural quality, overdose, suicide. I mean, we've

00:59:03.580 all, you know, sure. Those things happen. But when they start just dying of like heart

00:59:07.040 issues or things that like are people things, you're like, Oh fuck. So you start telling

00:59:12.020 people you love them more and like, Hey man, I miss you. Like, I'm not afraid to tell guys,

00:59:15.680 Hey, I miss you. Because like, there's one day you're going to be like, I wish I could

00:59:18.720 say that to this person. So I say it like, you know what I mean? And I, when Patrice died,

00:59:23.260 he's just an example. There's nothing in our relationship that went unsaid. Like there's

00:59:27.800 nothing I wish. Oh man, I wish he, like we had a complete relationship. You know what

00:59:33.520 I mean? Like with, and you make sure that with your close friends, you have complete

00:59:37.420 relationships. So there's nothing that you go like, Oh my God, for the rest of my life,

00:59:41.900 I'm going to wish that they knew that I felt this way. Do you know what I mean? Like,

00:59:45.440 and that's really important to me now is like these complete relationships. Like if Bobby,

00:59:49.720 not to jinx Bobby, but if Bobby or Anthony or one of my, dropped it, I would, I would,

00:59:54.660 they, they know how I feel. Right. We, we, we know it's not like it went unsaid.

01:00:00.260 Do you ever think over time, like, did you think like you were missing relationships like

01:00:03.920 that when you were younger? Like, were you missing like some, like, do you think people

01:00:07.600 could be like missing a connection with like a male figure? And then that gets, that gets,

01:00:14.320 that creates gay curiosity in somebody over time. Does that make any sense to you?

01:00:17.860 Sure. I mean, I, what, what creates curiosity in anybody? I don't know. Like that could be one

01:00:23.040 thing that causes it. Like, because you're craving that connection and all of a sudden you're like,

01:00:29.640 well, there's a sexual component to this too, or I want to connect and I think it's sexual.

01:00:34.180 I don't know exactly what, like I said, what makes me have a pull towards something, but there are

01:00:40.520 things like that I think can influence it. Like if you don't have any male figures in your life and you

01:00:44.660 get close to a male figure, you may love that person and then not know like, wow, is this love?

01:00:49.500 Like I want to lay down with this person or is this just a healthy, normal? Yeah. I love you, man.

01:00:54.520 Like why do you have gay curiosity? I think there will know the, well, well there was time in my

01:00:59.140 life where I like didn't like, I was just definitely like a late bloomer with a lot of like, um,

01:01:04.640 like intimacy of any type. Sure. You know, like I weren't like, I was just talking about this the

01:01:10.560 other day with a friend, but it was like, even now if a woman like looks at me, it's like, or says

01:01:14.200 something nice, I got to change the fucking subject. I just, it's hard for me to be in that moment.

01:01:19.200 Yeah. It's hard for me to be right here. And, um, but yeah, growing up, I just felt like I didn't

01:01:24.120 get a lot of like, uh, I didn't have like a strong brotherly or fatherly connection. And so like

01:01:27.980 when I started to get relationships like that with friends later on, I think it was a part of me for a

01:01:33.360 little bit. It was like, Oh, is this like a gate? Like, Oh, cause I think I was so desperate for

01:01:37.340 those relationships. So part of me, it had a wager in my head. Like, is this a gay thing or is this

01:01:43.500 just a friend thing? And then I had to learn how much can you just be a friend to somebody without

01:01:49.220 kind of over, not seeming into a, like a, a homosexual, like space or sexual space, but just

01:01:55.860 like into where it's awkward for them because you're trying to be too much of a friend because you just

01:02:02.020 have never had that sort of friendship. Yeah. I mean, but there is a, it's, it's a feeling that

01:02:06.340 there's a definitive, like a moat. Like if I love one of my friends, uh, I'm, I'm like, like Bobby or

01:02:14.880 any of these guys, I have Voss rotten Voss who I love, uh, Colin. I love these guys. I mean,

01:02:22.360 I really love them and I can hug them and tell them I love you, but there's, there's a moat

01:02:27.100 between that and wanting to peck them on the neck. There is a definitive line and that's what people

01:02:35.760 a lot of times don't like, like any guys who are freaked out by my lifestyle, like that's fucking

01:02:40.160 gross. Like most guys have to understand, like the idea of me having sex with you is as disgusting

01:02:44.520 to me as it is to you. Like it makes me nauseous to think about it. Like any, if any of my friends

01:02:49.500 think I want to jerk off with them, they're very delusional. I don't, none of them. I don't care if

01:02:53.740 they're built like Rogan. None of them would I jerk off with. Yeah. Glazing that ham brother.

01:03:00.000 None of them. So it's like, there is a, there is a line between love and really connecting with a

01:03:06.600 friend and feeling intimate with a buddy, um, which I'm glad as an adult male, I'm allowing myself to

01:03:12.060 do. Like I'm not afraid of that. And, and, and feeling sexual. They're completely different things

01:03:17.320 for me, but you know that. So yeah, there can be a different, you can love somebody without having

01:03:20.900 any of that stuff. Yeah. And I think you just hear so much like, you know, when you're young,

01:03:24.660 it's like, there's, there was always so many, like, you can't say this around a dude or something.

01:03:28.600 A lot of that's kind of changed over the years, especially me. I'm a pretty emotional dude.

01:03:31.800 And so I like thinking about emotions and I like, um, you know, I like kind of examining that stuff.

01:03:37.380 But yeah, I think there was probably, there was probably some times where I was like, is this,

01:03:41.660 am I like, and also I was having so much trouble like communicating with women. So it also to say,

01:03:46.860 well, maybe I'm gay man, you know, maybe I'm gay man. And I'll, but then I never felt an attraction

01:03:53.000 to men. And so it was like, um, but I think some of that's pretty normal. I'm amazed at a lot of my

01:03:58.520 friends as I get older that, um, date trans, uh, prefer to date trans women. Yeah. You'll,

01:04:05.720 you'll find a lot of people that it's, it's, it's, it's, it's a, it's a lot more than I ever expected.

01:04:11.340 Yeah. And it's part of people think like, what is this new thing? But a lot of it is you'd,

01:04:15.620 people are just not hiding anymore. Right. Or they're just not as afraid of it or they're more

01:04:20.480 aware of it because there's more people who are trans now. And there's more like, uh, you know,

01:04:24.620 with, with, with surgeries and estrogen and like, Oh wow, that person looks great. Like there's so

01:04:28.620 many things people do. It's just, it's, it's a part of the culture and it's not going to go away.

01:04:32.980 Like I know some people, I understand nobody wants an ideology beaten over their head. I get it.

01:04:38.180 Nobody wants to be told how to feel. I don't scold people if they don't agree with me. I don't care.

01:04:42.420 Yeah. Plenty of people I know who I respect and like would find my lifestyle awful. It's always

01:04:48.180 funny because I do a lot of Gutfeld episodes and when I go on, I come there one time. He's a nice

01:04:52.380 guy. He's a great guy. He really, he's a genuine and he's really funny and he's fair. And Jamie

01:04:56.980 Lissa is on there sometimes, huh? Jamie's great on that show. I love Jamie. Uh, Tyrus is really

01:05:02.220 great at what he, he's just a very naturally funny, good talker. Tyrus is a big guy and he's mixed,

01:05:07.320 right? He's mixed. He's mixed. He lives in the town that I'm from in Louisiana. Oh, he is from

01:05:12.400 Louisiana. That's right. He goes home all the time. Uh, that's cool. I saw him at the gym one time.

01:05:17.580 He's inspired me in a way because he lost so much weight recently. Like it made me get back to the

01:05:21.360 gym. I'm like, and I know for him, it's been a struggle and I'm like, he's doing it. He's putting

01:05:24.880 up videos of himself boxing. I'm like, just get in the fucking gym. Dude, he looks like all of the Lion

01:05:28.780 King in one person. He does. In a respectable way. Very intimidating. Um, and Kat, I don't want

01:05:37.760 to leave Kat Timpf out. She's fucking hilarious. Uh, it's a great show. So anyway, I do that and

01:05:42.640 they go on the road. A lot of those fans don't know me except from that show. It's so I, nothing

01:05:49.900 I like more than watching the joy just drain from their face when they realize who they paid

01:05:56.020 to see. But I, you know, more people, I guess now are more comfortable being themselves. Cause you

01:06:01.620 also, it's, it's like, you know, I mean, I was, when I was a kid, I was, I'm older than you. So in

01:06:05.860 the seventies, I got called a faggot all the time. I got beaten up and chased by older kids for doing

01:06:10.660 little sexual things with boys. Um, the word gets out like he's a faggot. Like it was nasty. So it's

01:06:17.180 nice that people aren't being treated that way anymore. I didn't know that you had to had that kind of

01:06:22.240 stuff happen. And while I, I think kids got called that, like I certainly got called shit

01:06:26.660 just for being like being smart in a neighborhood where it was uncomfortable to know shit. Um,

01:06:33.680 you know, like, uh, I wish it was for that reason, but no, that's not why they called me that. I was

01:06:38.400 nose deep on a belly button. I earned it. Hey, some people call it penis. Some people call it long

01:06:47.080 pussy, you know, that's a new term for it. A long pussy. Like, let's just say she's got a long

01:06:53.080 pussy, you know, but dude, yeah. People are such perverts now who even, but then also it is crazy

01:06:59.240 because there has been this energy that we've all been following this, like astute level of our

01:07:03.800 government and this, but then now you realize, Oh, these half, these guys are damn pedophiles

01:07:09.020 running around skeeting on fucking, you know, kids off the coast of fucking wherever. It's like,

01:07:14.180 what's going on? I, that's why I don't believe any of it. Like they're talking about what the

01:07:18.920 marriage and the sanctity of marriage. And then you find out that person's divorced. It's like,

01:07:22.580 man, I don't, I don't want to hear you weigh in. If you're divorced, shut the fuck up about who can

01:07:27.780 get married because you didn't do it right. Like, you know what I mean? Like I don't believe any of

01:07:32.600 it. It's just like, I don't believe progressives when they're talking about, you know, being so

01:07:36.380 pious and the purity checks they put everyone through. It's like, you're full of shit too. All your

01:07:40.680 friends are white. Shut up. Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? I don't believe any of

01:07:43.780 that shit. When people are saying that have never lived in the South of how things should be in

01:07:47.120 the South, fuck you. Calm down, live in our neighborhoods for a little bit. See what the

01:07:51.940 shit is like. You know, it's the same sometimes with the border stuff. I don't know what it's

01:07:55.740 like to live on the border in Brownsville, Texas. I don't know what people's lives are like right

01:07:59.780 there. I don't know the fears people have when they put their kids to sleep at night. I don't know

01:08:03.860 the fears people have who are trying to come over, who are trying to get to give their kids a place

01:08:07.880 where they can go to sleep at night. Like, I don't know what that's like. So like, I have thoughts

01:08:12.160 about it sometimes, but to really be like so definitive and shit, it's crazy to me.

01:08:17.000 Well, you, yeah. And because you, you dealing with the immigration with, with Nikki, which

01:08:20.620 we, again, we did it legally and it's a long, the immigration system should be sped up. Like

01:08:26.000 it should be a 24 hour system. That's always got people working because it's like your life

01:08:30.340 is ticking away and you're waiting and they're sending paperwork through the U S mail. It's

01:08:35.460 like, Jesus Christ. Like these are like, which is just a trap. The mail, it's basically

01:08:39.540 like handing a letter to a black guy and hoping he takes it where it's supposed to go.

01:08:44.160 Yeah. Just here you go. Please bring that to, to the, to the government. This is the request

01:08:49.400 for evidence. Here it is. Um, when there's so much more, it's a government, anything with

01:08:53.640 the government is not going to be efficient. So immigration, they really should streamline

01:08:57.360 it more and make it and hire more people like that. Cause I understand why people hop the

01:09:03.000 fence, but I don't agree with it because we did it legally. Like, but I'm lucky I could afford

01:09:07.220 a lawyer. Like a lot of people can't afford attorneys. So I kind of go back and forth

01:09:10.520 with it. Well, it's nuanced, you know, and people get up so, so upset about the ice thing,

01:09:14.760 but here's what I think people don't understand. We're headed to a surveillance state. I believe

01:09:18.940 in America, like they're doing this, like their Palantir as this new deal. They're the same

01:09:23.120 ones that are like owning all these drones and operating a lot of these drones in Gaza and

01:09:28.020 stuff. They're a company, right? Palantir. Yeah. Allegedly that are sniping children. I mean,

01:09:31.660 we had a doctor and he said bullets would come straight down and like from above, like a succinct

01:09:36.760 shot. So that's the same company. Like you won't be able to be in like hypothetically or on paper

01:09:42.720 illegal person in America in two years. I don't think cause the, the, the, the, the radar will

01:09:47.880 go off. Like the, the facial recognition will go, you can't do it. So they're getting all the

01:09:52.700 paperwork organized. Now they're just taking inventory right now. And I know it's painful

01:09:56.260 with the faith. You're right. The facial recognition. So like, I don't mind it at the airport.

01:10:00.460 Like I know some people won't let them take the picture, but I show up at the airport sometimes

01:10:04.340 and I did just take a picture of my fucking, my, my stupid face. And I just walked through. I love

01:10:10.160 it. Anything that makes my life easier. And I know that so many civil libertarians are come

01:10:14.680 tell me to go fuck myself. You're right. Fine. I don't care. I mean, I'm 57. I just like fucking

01:10:19.480 going on a plane fast. Oh, I wish things were different a lot of times, but also here we are,

01:10:26.720 right? It's like, I can wish things were different. I can romanticize that we're

01:10:30.400 still before nine 11, but that's not where we are right now. We're in this fucking place.

01:10:35.020 But I believe that's why all the stuff with ice. So people sometimes are so like, they

01:10:38.820 shouldn't be doing, I know I understand people have different feelings, but there's no other

01:10:43.140 way to get to where we're headed by them getting everybody on the books. And I would like to

01:10:48.400 get people like criminals. Once you commit a crime, get out. Yeah. Or hang. I'm fine with

01:10:53.840 hangings. I'm fine with executions. For some people. Yeah. Not everybody. No, no, no.

01:10:58.200 But those who really misbehave. Yeah. Although it's funny, I've turned against the death penalty.

01:11:03.220 Like I do, but not, they always say it's cruel and unusual punishment. There's, there's a,

01:11:07.840 there's a line in injustice role where he's talking about something. He goes in theory,

01:11:11.420 it's great, but in practice it sucks. I think in theory, the death penalty is allowable. Like

01:11:16.340 I don't think it's cruel and unusual. I think people who hurt children and kill children, I'm all for

01:11:20.960 their fucking heads being mushed between two giant pieces of metal. I just don't trust the system

01:11:26.080 enough. And I don't trust prosecutors enough to back off. Like there's so many times that they

01:11:32.000 care more about the record of the office than they do the actual truth. So that's the only reason

01:11:38.300 that's turned against it. It's nothing to do with it being, I think it's a perfectly allowable

01:11:42.860 thing, but our system isn't perfect. That's a good point. Do you know what I mean?

01:11:46.480 It's like when a coach runs up the score at the end of the game, like, how do you know

01:11:49.540 that that, that, that prosecutor's office isn't just trying to run up the score because maybe they're

01:11:54.020 trying to make their office look better with so many deals and they're going to sell to a bigger

01:11:57.220 company. Yeah. You just never know. That's a great point. And they don't want to pay lawsuits.

01:12:02.380 So there's, I just don't trust the integrity of the people who will look bad if it's overturned.

01:12:08.500 Yeah. And you look back, there's enough prosecutorial misconduct where you're like,

01:12:13.500 not technicality shit. Not where a guy had bloody underpants in his fucking house,

01:12:19.680 but the search warrant had the wrong date on it. Like, I'm not talking about technical shit,

01:12:23.480 but there are people who legitimately didn't commit the crime. And then you see like evidence

01:12:28.600 that wasn't given to their attorneys. Like it happens a lot. I just can't get around a lot

01:12:32.860 of poor people to much more than rich people. That's a good point too. They like, so if everyone

01:12:37.260 got the same level of legal representation, it's not what happens though. Yeah. And I don't think

01:12:41.740 it's racial. I think it's, it's money. Like if you have enough money for great lawyers,

01:12:44.700 you have enough money for great lawyers. Yeah. But if you don't, you get some guy that's

01:12:48.260 overworked, who's doing it, you know, because he has to do it pro bono. You're not going to

01:12:53.280 get the level of experts and all these people that can refute evidence. So whatever, that's

01:12:56.840 how I feel about it. But I do think that emotionally I agree with it. Like, you know what I mean?

01:13:00.760 I get why people want to cut throats. Right. Like there's, yeah. What's also, it starts

01:13:03.680 to, you start to think, is there bad DNA in the universe? Sure. You're looking at it. Yeah.

01:13:08.180 This is a fucking, this is a fucking, Dommer's Petri dish over here. Yeah. There's five foot

01:13:18.780 six of fucking bad DNA. Did you guys ever get to, um, did you guys ever get to interview

01:13:25.340 OJ Simp? Did you guys ever interview a murderer? Did we ever? Um, I don't, I don't know if you

01:13:32.200 ever, I've interviewed Frank Lucas, uh, who was in, uh, who was the, this. Martha Moxley,

01:13:37.020 that wasn't that guy. No, it was American gangster that Denzel played him. Uh, but

01:13:40.700 there's a moment where he went up and shot somebody. So he might qualify. Uh, I'm

01:13:45.360 dying to interview Sammy the bull. I'm dying to talk to him because I, I, this

01:13:49.360 podcast is fascinating. Uh, you know who one of the best guys we ever talked to

01:13:53.060 was? It was this giant cop from Milwaukee. His name was something Kennedy. He was

01:13:59.100 six foot seven and he was the cop who debriefed Jeffrey Dahmer when they

01:14:04.480 arrested Dahmer and they brought Dahmer to the station house. He's the cop.

01:14:08.160 Wow. The detective that Dahmer first talked to. And he said at first he didn't

01:14:12.000 believe him cause he was like, yeah, I killed all these people. And then he said

01:14:15.480 he got a call from the scene and they're like, yeah, with the refrigerator, we

01:14:18.220 found heads. And then he had to go back over it. Yeah. Um, Patrick Kennedy,

01:14:23.420 Patrick Kennedy. Yeah. He died. Unfortunately, he looks young. He was a giant six foot

01:14:28.280 seven beast of a man. Very nice guy. But he, uh, he, and he admitted that when

01:14:33.660 Dahmer died, he got emotional because he had gotten to know him and he goes, he

01:14:37.420 kind of got a little bit, he cried. He said when, when Jeffrey Dahmer was killed

01:14:40.200 because he was a bad guy, but he's still, you know, whatever. When you know

01:14:43.560 someone, you know him, but a murderer, I, that's a good, I don't know. Um, but

01:14:49.420 never OJ, huh? Never talked to OJ. I corresponded with him once. I sent him a DM

01:14:55.280 trying to get him on the radio show and he did respond to me, but, um, he, we

01:14:59.600 never got him on. This was after he got out of jail, uh, for, for the Vegas

01:15:04.620 thing. My buddy has a story where they were in New York one night and they were

01:15:09.520 doing some cocaine and this was after the murders and somebody was like, Oh, I

01:15:13.780 don't have a key on me. And OJ pulled a knife out of his jacket and they did it

01:15:18.560 off of the knife. He Jimmy the lock. No, he, they just, Oh, the Coke, the Coke. They

01:15:22.920 were doing the cocaine and he, and they pulled the knife out and they did the

01:15:25.460 they, and they were all looking at him like it was fucking crazy that he would

01:15:29.700 do that. Why would you carry that? And the only thing crazier than that is me

01:15:33.940 acting like someone's aunt, what they couldn't get in the house. What an

01:15:37.460 asshole. How did I miss the point of that? I apologize. I'm stupid. I'm a stupid

01:15:42.560 man. You're talking about doing Coke. And I'm like, what did they Jimmy the lock?

01:15:45.720 Oh, fucking blithering old idiots. I'm an old man. Um, yeah, that's a, that's a very

01:15:51.560 bizarre. Maybe OJ had to at that point though, because he, you know, people had

01:15:55.000 such strong feelings about that. Maybe he was afraid somebody was going to jump

01:15:57.700 out and take a shot at him or, or, or, or attack him. I never met him.

01:16:02.020 Yeah. I don't know. Uh, I, I feel like we had a chance to meet him when he was

01:16:05.780 doing podcasts and he was getting paid for them for a while. Yeah. And we didn't buy

01:16:10.140 it. We didn't go into that. I would love to, I bet Kevorkian once, but, uh, Ron

01:16:14.300 Bennington, I think interviewed him and he was there. So I took a picture with Dr.

01:16:17.820 Kevorkian, but I would love to have gotten to talk to him, but I never got to talk to

01:16:21.540 him. Unfortunately, some of them, he's just like, fuck. Did you guys have Trump

01:16:24.380 on your show sometimes? He called in, uh, a couple of times, Matt and I for UFC

01:16:29.520 unfiltered interviewed Trump. Uh, it was before he got the nomination for the, we

01:16:35.020 knew he was going to get it, but it was like in between Biden was president. And,

01:16:39.300 uh, he, we, they, they reached out to us. They're like, do you want to interview

01:16:42.600 president Trump? We're like, yeah. So we went to Vegas and we did it in the, uh, the

01:16:47.600 Trump hotel. And he was really great. Like it was a sports

01:16:51.360 interview because Dana's like, I don't want this to be politics. This is not a

01:16:54.660 political show. We talked to him for about 40 minutes. About boxing and stuff.

01:16:58.980 Boxing, MMA. Cause Trump was a great friend to the UFC. He was a tremendous

01:17:04.580 asset to the UFC long before they had what they have now. Um, and Dana speaks about

01:17:11.140 that a lot. His brain, dude, his brain, whether people love him politically or not

01:17:14.620 doesn't matter. I sat in the room with him. His fucking brain was really sharp.

01:17:18.700 People thought we had cue cards set up because his answers were so on the money

01:17:23.660 and he remembered every fighter and he remembered every fight and people like

01:17:27.080 these guys, uh, had cue cards set up and it's just, he was very sharp. So, and he

01:17:31.260 was nice to my wife when I introduced him. So I, I, I had a great time talking to

01:17:34.940 him. Yeah. You can't not anybody who wins the presidency has some form of

01:17:38.940 charisma. Oh yeah. I'm always people are like, you had that dude. What are you

01:17:42.780 talking about? Do you know the street I grew up on? If I did an interview, a

01:17:46.900 president and I had the chance. Yeah. If I didn't sit with people, whether I agree

01:17:50.820 with them or don't agree with them, like how the fuck am I supposed to know

01:17:53.880 anything about them or get any feeling as a human as to what they may or may not

01:17:58.320 be like or how they operate? It's like, I would sit down with the devil probably

01:18:02.840 and at least see if I could get a feel for some of his future plans. Absolutely.

01:18:07.140 And then just, I would keep looking at his little cloven feet. Where do you get

01:18:09.840 your shoes from, Dev? But yeah, who, who wouldn't want to sit with the press? Like

01:18:16.100 again, and he was nice. I would, I would, I would show the same respect to Biden or

01:18:20.520 Campbell and any, any of them I talked to, I would be respectful to and have a nice

01:18:23.980 conversation with. There's this weird line where people are like, how could you talk

01:18:26.920 to Trump? Shut up. Yeah. You shut the fuck up. You don't have the chance to talk to any

01:18:31.420 of these people. And I don't mean that in a negative way, but fuck you. Yeah. I

01:18:34.520 absolutely agree with whoever wants to interview somebody. Why should just the, the quote unquote

01:18:40.560 press have access to people? If they're willing to come on and talk, why wouldn't you talk

01:18:45.000 to me? It's insane. But then I do, some of those guys interviewed Netanyahu and I did

01:18:48.500 not like that though. Oh, you didn't. So you had that kind of feeling. Yep. I'm just thinking

01:18:51.720 that out loud. So I guess there's a part of me that doesn't really feel that way. But

01:18:55.440 if you didn't, there's a difference between not liking something and vocally. I wouldn't

01:18:59.600 interview him. And vocally, you wouldn't, you choose not to. Would you, maybe you could

01:19:03.480 interview him and ask him tough questions? I think I would probably try to ask him stuff

01:19:07.000 that really means something to me. Sure. And that's fair. Like that, they know that

01:19:11.240 if you're Netanyahu or you're Trump or you're Biden, you know that when you go into an interview,

01:19:16.020 part of it might be this guy asking you questions from, from a belief system that is not yours.

01:19:21.620 So you might hear things you don't like. But yeah, that'd, that'd be the best thing to

01:19:25.220 do is to interview him and ask him shit that he might not want to answer, but that you want

01:19:28.740 to know the answer to. Do you think that's better than not interviewing somebody? It's personal

01:19:32.240 preference. I mean, I don't think you're wrong to not want to talk to somebody. I think if

01:19:36.040 you go, nah, I'd rather not, I think that's perfectly fair. But I think that part of the

01:19:43.640 thing too, is when you're sitting in the room with somebody, no matter who they are, even

01:19:49.000 if you hate them, there is sometimes something about them that you connect to and like, and

01:19:53.380 it becomes harder to hate them. Again, they didn't have to be a politician. I've met people

01:19:58.440 like Lauren Bobart. I don't, I don't know her. I don't agree with her politics. And

01:20:02.360 I met her once and she was very nice.

01:20:04.180 This kid rocks girlfriend. Not his girlfriend, is it?

01:20:05.940 I don't know. I met her at, she was at a Kill Tony event, but she was so nice and I enjoyed

01:20:11.180 chatting with her. And it's like, even if I don't agree with her, I don't have the same

01:20:16.000 feelings about her that are bad. Like, you know what I mean? Cause I've met her and she

01:20:18.620 was nice.

01:20:19.240 Oh, for sure.

01:20:19.820 It's harder for me to look at her like just this person who's got no real feelings and no

01:20:25.320 real connection to anything.

01:20:27.080 Oh yeah. She got the bumpers on her too.

01:20:29.280 She is quite attractive. Yeah. Yeah. She looks great. Um, I got zero vibes off her, but I

01:20:33.940 mean, she was, you know, as I shouldn't have.

01:20:36.060 Yeah. It doesn't matter.

01:20:37.620 But she was nice. So when you meet somebody, sometimes you think, you know what they're

01:20:41.540 going to be like, and they wind up impressing you and you're like, oh, it's harder for me

01:20:45.200 to dislike that.

01:20:45.860 But although Netanyahu is, that's such a controversial issue. I'm not saying you would like the guy,

01:20:51.700 but you know what I mean? Sitting across from him, you may feel differently or you

01:20:55.260 may hate him more.

01:20:56.320 Right. Yeah. There is something about sitting across from somebody. You're at least sitting

01:20:59.860 across from them. There is some connection of like spatial energy of, of something like

01:21:05.700 that of like, cause you, I think it is human to want to find some commonality with people.

01:21:10.560 Yeah. You want to find something that, that, that you kind of like, it's funny. We were

01:21:14.420 interviewing one time Ben Kingsley and I remember talking to him.

01:21:17.720 Who is he?

01:21:18.080 He was in like, he was in the, he's just, he's an actor. He was in, I think, uh, did he play

01:21:22.660 Gandhi? He might've played Gandhi. He's been in everything. I mean,

01:21:24.920 Yeah. He's, he's been, did he play Gandhi? I could be, uh, he's a very famous actor. He

01:21:29.840 had a great, uh, great, uh, yeah, he was Gandhi. Um, and he's been around for you.

01:21:35.240 I was thinking of Peter Billingsley. That's who I'm thinking of.

01:21:36.980 Who's Peter Billingsley? I know that name too.

01:21:38.420 He is, um, the guy who kissed that pipe and he got tongue stuck on it.

01:21:45.240 Oh, in the, in the, uh, Christmas story. Yes. Yes. But we were just talking to Ben Kingsley.

01:21:50.460 Okay. So Ben Kingsley.

01:21:51.040 No, no, no. I just remember talking to him and he was answering me. And I remember thinking

01:21:55.420 in any other circumstance, this guy wouldn't fucking spit on me. Like he would never talk

01:22:00.980 to me at a party or at a premiere. But in this weird setting, I'm like, so what about,

01:22:06.720 and he's like, well, and he's like giving a real answer. And it's such an odd thing interviewing

01:22:12.520 somebody like people that normally would never acknowledge you now have to listen to you and

01:22:18.280 actually think about how to answer your question. It's a weird psychology. Um, and I remember that

01:22:22.680 just struck me when I was talking to him because our worlds are so different. Like he would never

01:22:26.800 talk to me in real life. Got it. And I've never talked to him again. Right. I see what you're

01:22:30.380 saying. I can't think of someone I wouldn't interview, but maybe if it was brought up in front of

01:22:33.820 me, I might say no. Yeah. I can't think of anyone. I think I would just, I start to realize that some

01:22:38.020 people will just use you. They, and you don't realize it. Like I used to think like everybody

01:22:42.200 just wants to come and they want to have a conversation and stuff. You can learn stuff

01:22:44.660 about each other, but then some people just want to use, like they'll use you to get their message

01:22:49.000 out there. And I think I didn't realize sometimes that that's how things work. Yes. And so I think

01:22:54.340 I've noticed that more over time. So maybe that would keep me out of certain conversations,

01:22:57.980 you know, it depends on maybe like with Yahoo. You're afraid that he would just use you to

01:23:02.160 message. I feel like his group is so calculated that they would be able to do it in a way that

01:23:08.920 I wouldn't even maybe see it. You know, I don't know. I think that all anyone in public life,

01:23:14.900 especially in like official politicians, congressmen, they all do this thing where

01:23:19.840 they have talking points and they, they're very, they're masters at veering back to a talking

01:23:26.220 point. And when they're bad at it, we hate them. Sometimes they're good at it and you

01:23:30.840 don't realize they're doing it. But most times we're savvy enough to go, what are you fucking

01:23:34.620 to like, look, you know, you'll be like, what about that thing where they did find the dead

01:23:38.300 prostitute in your closet? No, I know. But the thing with the economy is, and they're right

01:23:41.780 back to talking about their, and you're like, you didn't answer the fucking question. That's

01:23:45.060 why so many of them are so hateable. Cause I think we've gotten a little bit better at

01:23:48.300 seeing it now for sure when they're back on their talking points. Yeah. Um, and that's why,

01:23:53.680 that's why I love the interview that we did with Trump because it was just, it really

01:23:57.500 was just a conversation about sports. Um, and I would love to, I wish I had told him

01:24:03.040 how much I love that he talked to Kim Jong-un. I didn't get to say that to him. I wish I

01:24:06.260 had, I just forgot afterwards, but we were saying our goodbyes and he was taking pictures

01:24:10.400 with everybody. And I wish I had told him, like, I love that he went to North Korea and

01:24:14.240 tried. Like, I love that he made an effort with that little short, weird guy.

01:24:17.540 It'd be cool. Huh? You think Un is cool or what?

01:24:20.120 If you're a Chicago bull, yeah. Like if you played for the bulls, he's awesome. Right.

01:24:25.300 Um, you know, if you, if you're, if your uncle was in the military and made a questionable

01:24:28.720 decision, you're executed. I imagine there's a downside to it. Depends on who you are.

01:24:35.760 Yeah, dude. He looks fucking cool, dude. He looks interesting to be like, here's what I

01:24:40.640 would think with him. I would be afraid that I'd be in North Korea and there's a language barrier

01:24:45.120 and he would want to toast with alcohol. And I would try to tell him like, I'm an alcoholic.

01:24:49.760 So I'd have to refuse the drink. And that would start a whole, you insulted the leader

01:24:54.200 thing. Yeah. You wouldn't know. I think sometimes whenever you insulted them, I think that would

01:24:58.660 be kind of, yeah, something like that could be really mis, miscued or something.

01:25:02.380 You know who fascinates me? The Sultan of Brunei.

01:25:04.160 Really?

01:25:04.640 Who owns like the Beverly Hilton. Like that's like, that's a guy who lives a, that, that'd

01:25:08.400 be a fun guy to know. Cause he, I might go to Dubai, Abu Dhabi for UFC in October.

01:25:16.080 Who's fighting?

01:25:16.640 Or November. I don't know what the card is yet.

01:25:18.380 I see you at all the events. Like I, even if I'm home watching, I'm on the road, they

01:25:21.460 always pan to you. You're always there early. I love that you're always there early.

01:25:24.200 Yeah. Well, I just get to see like, you know, Chris Weidman was fighting on her own. His

01:25:27.860 retirement fight, I think was fighting on the, I don't know if it was the main, it might

01:25:31.420 have even been the first fight of the main card or something, but like, I mean, there's

01:25:34.380 just so many great fights. I just can't believe that people aren't there. These are

01:25:37.500 like guys that are going in there and women that are giving it that, I mean, it's like,

01:25:42.200 where are you?

01:25:43.400 I wish I scheduled better because they just announced, uh, I think Jack Della, Maddalena

01:25:48.180 and Makachev at the, uh, uh, in the garden in November. And I immediately look at my schedule.

01:25:54.460 I'm in Oregon and I'm like, uh, nothing against Oregon.

01:25:58.100 No, but it's just hurts.

01:25:59.260 Yeah. I probably didn't even say it right. Oregon or the fucking dumb state is I'm coming.

01:26:04.060 What? Um, Oh, you know what? One of my favorite conversations was that ever had.

01:26:07.500 Honestly, it was with Louie. It was whenever we chose it. Cause we didn't know each other

01:26:10.560 at all.

01:26:10.960 Right. Right.

01:26:11.460 And we like, we just laughed and got to know each other. And then after that we became

01:26:15.800 closer, but that was one of my favorite podcasts ever. Probably.

01:26:19.620 He loves you. And it's funny. Your name came up while we were traveling and he's like,

01:26:23.740 he's a really great guy. He just raved about you. I didn't know that he, you were going

01:26:27.360 to be talking to him or I was going to be even, uh, you were going to be seeing him,

01:26:30.920 uh, this week. It was a nice surprise. Uh,

01:26:33.280 yeah, he's a special guy. He is. And he's, uh, it'd be hard to be him. I feel like, cause

01:26:37.920 he has so many thoughts and he's so able to like, look around the corner of thoughts and

01:26:42.400 possibilities. Like, I mean, really to like, like, fuck, it almost feels like it'd be scary

01:26:48.620 to be him. Does that make any sense?

01:26:50.600 No, a hundred percent because his brain operates so well. Like it's such an interesting and unique

01:26:56.080 brain. Like he helped me fix a joke that I wound up doing in the special. He saw me doing

01:27:00.620 it at the cellar. He's like, you might want to say it like this. And I didn't, it fixed

01:27:04.040 it. It was better. Like, so when you have a guy like that, like he just sees something

01:27:08.080 and he lasers in on it. Uh, and the material is so good. His new hour is so good. And he's

01:27:14.900 changing the order every night, trying this, trying that. Um, you know, yeah, he's, he's

01:27:21.220 brilliant, man. That word is overused on people, but he truly is brilliant.

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01:28:35.840 symmetry sauna at symmetry sauna.com slash T H E O. I think, well, Oh, did you grow, you grew

01:28:45.840 up in New Jersey, right? I did central Jersey. Did you get to ever meet James J. Braddock or

01:28:50.160 not? Who's James J. Braddock? No. The Cinderella man. Never met him. Where, where's he from in

01:28:54.340 Jersey? Bergen? No, but that's not that far from me. Um, Joey Diaz used to shovel his driveway.

01:29:01.620 Is he dead or alive? Joey's alive, but this guy's dead. No, I know Joey. Yeah. Uh, James

01:29:05.900 J. Braddock is dead. Joey's alive. I mean, look, you gotta hook it. But if I didn't know if

01:29:11.680 Joey Diaz was, that would be sucked if he was dead. I was like, Oh, sorry. I just talked

01:29:14.660 to him. Yeah. Braddock, dude, that Cinderella man's the best. You seen that? I have. Have I seen

01:29:20.740 that? I don't think I have. Wow. I don't think I have. No. And I was six when he died.

01:29:26.000 I was, I was born in 68. Oh yeah. I didn't realize he died that early. Oh, you and Nicky

01:29:29.980 got to watch, put on some condoms and watch this thing, dude. Condoms. Forget it. Not

01:29:33.520 before, during, or after our marriage. We'll ever use one of those. Boo, one of those things.

01:29:38.920 When did he, when did, but Oh, this is my favorite movie. I just watched Silver Linings

01:29:42.940 Playbook again. That movie's so good. That was very good. Yeah. Uh, De Niro and Bradley Cooper.

01:29:48.560 I just watched Irish, the, uh, Irish Mickey Ward movie, the fighter. I don't know if I

01:29:53.480 saw that. Oh, it's so good. I think we've interviewed Mickey Ward though, but I don't

01:29:56.220 remember if I see that. Yeah. He was, uh, yeah, he's still alive, right? He's out. I don't

01:30:00.020 know what he was promoting, but UFC guys, by the way, are the nicest of all the athletes

01:30:03.660 to interview. So funny. I've interviewed, uh, boxers tend to be a little standoffish, a

01:30:09.060 little too cool for the room. You keep the sunglasses on, but UFC fight. There's a humility

01:30:13.260 to them. And, and Rogan said it's because like they get tapped a lot in the gym when you're

01:30:17.740 training, you're, you're being submitted and you're submitting. So there's a humility

01:30:21.160 there that you keep because there's always somebody kind of getting the better of you.

01:30:25.440 And maybe that's what it is. I don't know. But I like those guys the best.

01:30:28.000 I think that makes sense. Oh yes. Getting to be around some of those guys. Dude, I accidentally

01:30:32.280 called, um, I called one of the fighters, Stephen Miochik and it was not him.

01:30:36.600 Oh no. And I asked a woman. I asked, uh, two UFC employees. I was like, is that Stephen

01:30:43.720 like, yes, that's him. And I'm going to say, Hey, and it wasn't, it was, uh, John, uh,

01:30:48.800 Brooke, Drakowicz, Braun, Jan, Jan Blachowicz. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And at, it was just fucking

01:30:56.760 scary for a minute. Would you say, Hey Stipe? Yeah. I was like, Hey, how's the retirement

01:31:01.060 going? And I think he didn't want to, you know, if a guy's not retired, you probably

01:31:05.200 want to hear that. And I kind of like tickled him a little bit because I know Stipe a little

01:31:09.180 and it was just fucking tough. But, uh, you know, you win some, you lose some. He did

01:31:14.260 give me a nice look later on that made me feel a little bit better, but just, you got

01:31:17.480 to be careful. Like, yeah, it's funny. Like, it's almost like whenever you get to like, you're

01:31:22.920 like around a pit bull for a little while at a party and you're like, Oh, now we're buddies.

01:31:25.940 Yeah. You just want to be a little careful sometimes around those guys. You want to be a little

01:31:29.780 bit careful because you never know what past trauma you remind them of in a minute when

01:31:35.000 you do something. I had a, I was in LA one time, many years ago. Uh, and I walked up and

01:31:40.560 it was Patrick Swayze was coming out of a restaurant. So I walked up. Was he handsome? Very. And

01:31:46.480 I go, dude, I love you. Can we take a picture? Uh, I'm like, I'm such a, I'm such a fan, Patrick.

01:31:52.080 And he goes, I'm not Patrick. And it was, uh, David Keith and he was with a date.

01:31:58.920 Oh, that was embarrassing. That was fucking embarrassing. I thought it was Swayze. It

01:32:06.140 wasn't. Oh, that is heavy. I could see that a little bit. That was years ago. It looks

01:32:11.380 like Robert Wool actually. Um, Oh, did I fuck up? I just got nervous. It was Keith David.

01:32:16.700 You mean? Oh, David Keith is one black, one's white. Oh, David Keith. Oh, sorry. Did I

01:32:20.940 say Keith David? Click on Keith David. Keith David's black. If it was him. Yeah. He was in

01:32:25.920 platoon. I, I, I, yeah. Mr. Swayze. Yeah. No, no, no. David Keith is white. He was in

01:32:36.420 an officer and a gentleman. David Keith is a great actor. Oh yeah. I just panicked. Oh

01:32:40.140 for sure. I was just nervous. Keith David, I met in an airport one time in LAX. The coolest

01:32:45.460 guy in history. He's wearing like a completely white suit and white coat with a fucking white

01:32:49.600 hat. That guy's just awesome. Yeah. He was also in that, uh, that Michael Douglas. What was

01:32:55.080 the movie, uh, platoon? No, uh, Spartacus. It was a drug movie, uh, where the girl Requiem

01:33:03.560 for a dream. I think he was in that movie was interesting. Yeah. Uh, I think Jared Leto

01:33:07.880 was in that and he was really, uh, Keith David is tremendous, but in platoon, you know,

01:33:13.680 yeah, that was a different time. Yeah. That was embarrassing. I relate to that. It's humiliating.

01:33:17.660 Yeah. I'm trying to think, I know there's been something like that that I've had, but I think

01:33:20.340 sometimes that is camera. I think sometimes my brain just shuts down. Do you ever panic around

01:33:24.080 people like that? Like where like my brain is not working and I'm just like lost. I'm

01:33:28.060 like, I know I should be more comfortable, but they're famous or whatever it is. Oh

01:33:32.020 yeah. I met John. Johnny Depp came to the comedy store one night and it's still like a moment

01:33:35.300 of lore because it was like, uh, Doug Stanhope brought him and they were in the green room at

01:33:40.480 the, in the main room and everybody was in there. And I was like, I got there and they're

01:33:44.600 like, uh, don't tell anybody Johnny Depp's here. And I knew when they're telling me, I was

01:33:47.980 like, they've told everybody they're telling me. And so I go back in there and then all

01:33:52.400 you know, like you don't even know who else is in the room. It was like 50 people in this

01:33:55.160 little room and John. And then like, I got to somehow got to say, I said, hello, Mr.

01:33:59.920 Johnny Depp. And then I had nothing else to say and it was very uncomfortable. And I realized

01:34:04.780 I was just there for me kind of, and I just got out of there.

01:34:07.460 Yeah. It's embarrassing. Cause you want to say something, but sometimes a person's famous

01:34:11.460 and I like their work, but I don't have anything to say to them. Like, I admire your work.

01:34:15.140 And that's kind of, uh, you know, where do you go from there? If you have nothing legitimate

01:34:20.980 to say, and I've, I, I've, I've done that. I've humiliated myself. Uh, but they got to

01:34:26.600 be used to it too. They're like, and some of them will be helpful to you. They'll kind

01:34:30.060 of ask you something to fucking put you back on your feet, you know, or someone will shake

01:34:34.200 you and be like, you're not a son or whatever, you know, like no one's ever shaken me and said

01:34:38.620 that. I've tried to say that in the mirror and I just wound up laughing. Jim has a crash

01:34:50.520 chest dummy. He's just, it's like one of those battling dummies, but he just uses it to give

01:34:55.400 it uplifting, positive semi-homosexual, like, uh, you're straight Jim. Yeah. Now you're not

01:35:02.320 Jim. Get back in there, Jim. You're straight. You can do it. You, it's not scary. It doesn't

01:35:06.800 have teeth. Um, yeah, no, I, oh, my, here's my Johnny Depp story. I was at, uh, I got invited

01:35:14.480 to, uh, it was Ozzy's actual, uh, 70th birthday party. I got to go to that. Wow. In the U S

01:35:20.300 in, it was at his house in Beverly Hills. And it was amazing. It was a lot of great people

01:35:24.500 there. And Johnny Depp, uh, was walking around and I was talking to him and he was very nice.

01:35:30.480 Um, and I talked to him three or four different times. We took a picture and then I, uh, I realized

01:35:35.340 it was a Johnny Depp impersonator, stupid, no show biz, Jim Norton. Like my aunt. Again,

01:35:42.320 I fell for it. I, it was a Johnny Depp, 20 years younger than Johnny Depp, by the way. And

01:35:48.120 I fucking fell for it. Hook, line and sinker all night. You're over there. I do. And I'm

01:35:52.320 like, Johnny Depp, I got a picture. I've gotten dice. Got me on the road years ago. We were

01:35:57.100 on the road in like late, late nineties. He goes, that's Charlie Daniels. So I took a picture

01:36:00.600 with this guy. It was just some fucking hayseed, the cowboy hat. Oh, they got me so good. They

01:36:08.460 got me one time we were in the airport. It was an Opie and Anthony trip. We were going

01:36:11.720 somewhere. And, uh, one of the Jonas brothers was talking to his dad. They were traveling

01:36:17.260 and I'm not a fan of the Jonas brothers and I don't know their names, but, uh, I'm like,

01:36:22.680 I got it. I'll take a picture with him. So I walk over and, uh, I just start talking to

01:36:27.300 this 15 year old kid and his dad. And I, now I just want to take a picture if you don't

01:36:31.900 mind. And I look at that and they're all laughing and I realized it's just some fucking

01:36:35.420 kid with his dad. I creepily approached some 15 year old. They're sitting in the airport

01:36:40.480 eating lunch and some fucking old blinking pederast looking guy wants a photo with this

01:36:45.400 boy. He's cool. Oh my God. Cool. Cool. Coffee. And the Faust head is this nothing better

01:36:52.240 than her head movements. She looks like the cop in dog day afternoon. Uh, but yeah, that

01:37:01.740 was, uh, I've gotten, I've gotten God a few times like that thinking it's a fucking celebrity.

01:37:06.200 It's humiliating, but, but I deserve it. Yeah. And we all need stuff like that, man. It's

01:37:11.880 the stuff like that, that, uh, that just keeps you alive. I feel like. Yeah. And when you

01:37:16.980 get one of your friends and like, I, I do, I do like the ability to like, just go like

01:37:22.320 you're an idiot. It's funny. Yeah. To laugh at yourself. And what better thing to hit on

01:37:26.580 a kid and also realize you're not a pedophile. Well, I wasn't, I didn't, I didn't think he

01:37:31.400 was cute. I just wanted a picture. I wasn't hitting on him. I didn't, I didn't say to him,

01:37:35.300 son, if you need to go to the restroom, may I escort? No, I was just trying to take a picture

01:37:38.680 while they ate lunch, some fucking kiosk at the airport. And the father, they looked at me

01:37:43.200 like, what? And then I just happened to see Anthony and the rest of the guys fucking laughing.

01:37:48.660 And I'm like, yeah, yeah, they got me. I'm like, sorry. I just don't want to have my camera

01:37:54.520 out. Fucking jerk off. Oh my God, dude. Yeah. Oh, I don't know why that's one of those. For

01:37:59.940 some reason, it's just so perfect. That was one thing I was nice about before like social

01:38:04.400 media and everything, like everything was possible. Nobody in a moment's notice could be like,

01:38:09.040 that's not them or this isn't possible. You could lie to people, but you couldn't lie to

01:38:12.420 me. You could make stuff up. There was so much room for creativity and possibility and

01:38:16.860 everything because everybody didn't have all of the like hypothetical answers at the, at

01:38:21.540 the, at their wall information. Yeah. But looking at, yeah, like I could have just Googled them

01:38:25.520 and then seen, I imagine that I could have at that point either. I was just so, thought

01:38:30.460 it'd be so much fun to get a picture with one of the Jonas brothers. Yeah. I get pictures

01:38:34.080 of people. I don't give a fuck. I stopped doing that now as I'm older, but for a long time

01:38:37.780 I did it because it was fun. And we had so many celebrities coming through your world

01:38:40.880 too. At one point there were a lot. Yeah. I mean, that show was crazy to be in that lobby

01:38:45.320 in that big building in New York. Like, especially for young comics, you go there and there's like,

01:38:50.260 it looks like outer space when you get there downstairs the first time if you haven't been

01:38:53.540 in there and it's those glass, like something turns green and it opens it up. But first you

01:38:57.780 have to go talk to somebody who's usually a diversity hire. I'm going to say it in a suit over

01:39:03.240 there downstairs and they would call up to somebody magically somewhere. You would get

01:39:08.120 the thumbs up. They'd give you a little barcode and now you're like, the doors open and then

01:39:13.200 bing. And it just, the elevator like almost is like, come in here. And then you, and then

01:39:17.600 you go so high to your ears pop and you get out and like fucking, um, Evander Holyfield is

01:39:24.720 in the lobby or like Doja Cat or fucking Katy Perry. Everybody's waiting to go into some

01:39:30.140 little, um, enclave to get their voice out to the world. It was crazy.

01:39:34.100 It was crazy. And, and, and Stern was right down the hall too. So he would always have

01:39:37.700 huge guests. Um, I nailed McCartney coming out of his studio one time. I got a picture

01:39:42.060 with McCartney. That was a big one. Pele. I got like, I've got a, they weren't there for

01:39:46.140 my show, but I still would, if they're in the lobby, I'm like, it's fair game. Uh, and

01:39:50.580 usually they would take it, you know, cause you're in that, it's kind of a closed

01:39:53.120 environment. Um, but yeah, that would, that was one, uh, that was one, uh, that's

01:39:57.780 a good shot with us too. I've always hated how my dumb neck looks, but, uh, yeah, cause

01:40:02.860 I was doing it for a selfie and then McCartney goes, let my guy do it. So I

01:40:06.960 handed it to his security guy. He was actually very nice. And, uh, yeah, that's

01:40:10.880 a great, a great shot. That's a pretty good picture, man. It's very risky handing

01:40:14.880 it to someone else too. Cause you have no control over what they're going to do.

01:40:17.500 No control. But because Paul suggested it, I knew the guy would do like do as he

01:40:22.400 was at. Like, it wasn't like I just handed it to some guy and I'm like quickly, you know,

01:40:26.460 um, he asked the guy and he probably knew like, let me just get this fucking weird

01:40:31.520 eggheaded kid out of here and go about my day. Yeah. This is a special needs

01:40:35.420 adult. It really, yeah, it is. I don't look particularly mentally healthy there

01:40:39.400 or handsome. Did you feel like you were handsome when you were a kid or not?

01:40:42.540 Never. Really? No. I look back now. I was like, I was a cute little boy. Um, I

01:40:46.520 look back, I was like, yeah, when I was, I was, I get why a lot of the older kids saw

01:40:51.360 my face and deserved, uh, that way should hump that. I got it. I got it.

01:40:58.380 A lot of predators in your neighborhood and shit.

01:41:00.200 No, we were all in the same age group. There was maybe a couple, but, uh, no, we

01:41:04.980 were all, I, I, my, my therapist tells me I was molested, but I was like, yeah, I was

01:41:09.140 kind of volunteering for it. I was there for it. You know what I mean? Like I was,

01:41:13.440 yeah, I don't think so.

01:41:14.500 I was hanging out on the mistletoe type of, uh, yeah, I was, I was, I was in on it,

01:41:18.660 you know, uh, oh, that's me at 17. That's, is that you? That's me at 17. Oh my God. Yeah.

01:41:24.880 Young, young, young, young urban Jim with a lot of attitude. Wow. I did not see this.

01:41:30.800 You look like somebody that would work for Neil Brennan. You know what I'm saying? You

01:41:36.500 look like a black, like definitely like a young wigger type of child. Yeah. That, that, that

01:41:40.440 hat really should have been removed from my head white with the clockwork orange shirt. I

01:41:44.040 didn't know what I want it to be. It's a, yeah. Oh yeah. You're doing a lot of things

01:41:47.060 here. That's why when I see people with these identity crisis, like with, with the, uh, when,

01:41:51.540 especially when they're like political about it or whatever, I understand the identity crisis.

01:41:55.120 We all have them in time and eventually you grow into who you are. Oh yeah, dude. I was

01:42:00.300 doing the black thing for as a while for a kid. I did the, like the Nirvana thing, stone

01:42:06.220 temple pilots. You know, I did all the things, Marilyn Manson. I went down a lot of different

01:42:11.740 roads, the religious, you know, like different things. Just like you were like, yeah, you're

01:42:15.360 trying shit on. You're trying stuff on. Like, and that was, I was into like the, the little

01:42:19.440 white kid who thinks she's black. I was doing that long before it was fashionable. Like

01:42:23.320 in, in the eighties, like, you know, when, when Adidas still had fat laces and that was

01:42:26.820 considered. Yeah. But then you grow out of it and then you just kind of, somebody said

01:42:30.740 one time, like, instead of looking for who you are, just get rid of all the shit that

01:42:34.000 you're not. And whoever you are just shows up. And that kind of made sense. Like just

01:42:37.760 stop looking for it and just live and you'll find, but I see so many people in life

01:42:42.480 that looking for an identity. That's what so much of this stuff is public. You

01:42:46.260 know what I mean? People that are so adamant, always talk, always talking about the same

01:42:49.800 thing, always talking about the same thing. You're like, you want an identity. You just,

01:42:53.880 you're looking to, you want a little, a prefab identity, like a little.

01:42:59.040 And do you think there's a way that we can get to know, like, so one of the things you

01:43:02.980 just said is like, get rid of the things that you're not. Right. Sure. Like, yeah. How do

01:43:06.400 we find our identity more? Cause I wonder if we used to be better at that. I feel

01:43:10.000 like if we used to have more of communication with like our parents, like, you know, like

01:43:15.060 back in like almost like caveman time. So was there something more that your identity

01:43:19.740 was kind of shaped with just being able to survive? Right. And now we have this, all

01:43:23.240 this other, like this, all this other fucking ornamentation that helps us get a reflection

01:43:29.480 of ourselves. I just wonder if it was different or if, how do, how do we find our identity

01:43:34.140 better? I wonder. Well, there's also no, there was less pressure then because now immediately

01:43:39.080 everybody weighs in. So there's this pressure to weigh in so we don't drown. Like we want

01:43:44.040 to just be above the, above sea level. We just want to survive and be noticed and be alive.

01:43:48.200 So there's no time for it. It's almost like, that's why people have these, again, these

01:43:51.400 almost like big, like when you see a house being driven down the street on the back of

01:43:54.960 a flatbed, like that prefab prebuilt house, that's how people are with politics and with

01:43:59.260 social issues. There's no time to go looking for nuance and it's like, okay, that's my,

01:44:04.520 that's my, that's, that's who I am. Right. And that's, that's what I'm associated

01:44:07.080 with. Everybody's so afraid of being run over by all of it. Um, so I think just don't,

01:44:11.940 don't listen to what everybody else is saying. I don't give a shit what other people think

01:44:15.320 about stuff that I don't begrudge them, but I don't care. Like I have plenty of friends

01:44:20.160 whose politics I totally disagree with. I don't give a fuck. Did you always have a, did

01:44:24.420 you have a tough time when you were young? Like finding your, like deciding I'm going to

01:44:27.140 make my own choice for myself. Can you bring me one more water, Trevin? We'll finish up

01:44:30.700 in a couple minutes. That's fine. Um, I have to piss. I didn't believe we were going this long.

01:44:34.140 How long have you been talking about? Probably two hours. What? You want to pee really fast?

01:44:38.620 Can I? Yeah. Cause I'm loving this chat. There's a bathroom right behind that curtain. Oh, okay.

01:44:42.240 Awesome. Dude. One thing I noticed about having to pee dude is as I get older, that kind of is not

01:44:49.020 fun, but here's what I noticed is some of these underpants, the stuff on them is too tight. So all

01:44:55.380 night your bladder has to pee even with just a little bit of liquid in it. It's pressing all night.

01:45:00.780 You're absolutely right. And also the fact getting fatter doesn't help. Um, like when

01:45:04.620 I fly, I, I, I hate that feeling pressing on my bladder. I'll fly, I always wear sweatpants

01:45:09.480 and no underwear when I fly. And it's not to be creepy. It's because this way I feel like

01:45:13.620 I'm not as confined as I was. I, I piss constantly. So the fact that I can go for however long we've

01:45:20.880 been talking without peeing. Every time I do Rogan, I got to pee at least twice.

01:45:24.180 Oh yeah. It's so hard in there.

01:45:25.720 Yeah. But I'll always just go, I got to piss. And usually he does too. So it's not a big deal,

01:45:29.340 but like sometimes you just talk right through it and you're like, I have to go to the bathroom.

01:45:32.120 What am I doing?

01:45:32.920 Oh, and like when you're riding the bag, when you're sleeping at night and you have to pee

01:45:35.560 and you don't get up.

01:45:36.420 Yep.

01:45:37.120 That mesmerizing dark thing you do. You're like, I'm just going to lay here.

01:45:42.400 Have you ever wet the bed as an adult?

01:45:43.920 Oh no. As a kid, I wet the bed. Oh, I wet the bed. I was probably 27.

01:45:48.180 I wet once. Last time I did, I know I've done it more recently than that. I've done it since

01:45:52.280 my wife has been there too. A few times I've wet the bed. Um, but I don't care. I don't feel bad. Sam used to think

01:45:57.400 I was crazy, but I'm like, it happens once in a while. You sleep every night and you pee every

01:46:02.820 day. You don't think they're going to cross paths once in a while. Yeah. Like two ships passing in

01:46:07.320 the once in a while they meet. You think it's crazy? Yeah. Once in a while you're asleep and you have

01:46:12.660 to piss and you're like, uh, I'm no. And you dream about being in a pool. You dream about being in the

01:46:17.220 ocean and you wake up and there's urine on you and I go right back to sleep. I'll throw a towel on it.

01:46:21.580 Of course. Yeah. I'm not an animal. I'll put a little sawdust on it. A little something and

01:46:27.700 I'll lay into it. Yeah. Oh yeah. But I remember as a kid, I was so scared going to bed that I had

01:46:34.660 to do all these checks and balances in my room. Cause I didn't realize why I wet the bed for so long.

01:46:38.560 And it wasn't like about six months ago. I was remembering, Oh dude, well, when you went to bed

01:46:42.180 every night, you would have to like look and open a door, look in a closet, look at a certain way,

01:46:47.380 lean something against the door on the inside. Then on the outside, you'd have to like,

01:46:51.360 look at certain, like it was no joke. It was probably a 13 minute process every night.

01:46:57.440 What are you afraid of? I was just afraid of like people getting in from outdoors. I was afraid of

01:47:01.640 like killers, murders, just these hypothetical kind of boogeymen, you know? And we lived in like a kind

01:47:06.700 of scary neighborhood. So I was just, I was just scared of all that. And, but I remember like, dude,

01:47:11.120 no wonder you slept in fucking crazy. I would fall asleep like this or something couldn't cut my

01:47:16.180 throat. I remember really. And it was so funny. I didn't for, I forgot about this, but for years I did

01:47:21.300 that. And I was like, dude, no wonder you. With your hands, you'd sleep like that? Yeah. I would

01:47:24.960 sleep like that. Cause I didn't want something to cut my throat. I wanted to cut my hand first.

01:47:27.980 So I would know. Right, right. Yeah. Of course. And I don't know what, what made me so scared?

01:47:32.080 Although if somebody was, had the wherewithal to get in with a knife, they could have just taken a

01:47:36.080 feather and tickled your nose. And then you would have went like that. And then they could have

01:47:38.780 fucking just sliced the jugular. There's ways around that. Yeah. I didn't think ahead. Do you sleep on

01:47:45.100 your back? I can't sleep on my back. No, that's crazy. Oh, you lay on your side like that? I'll lay on my side.

01:47:49.580 Yeah. Okay. That I can do. That I feel like is okay. Um, I wanted to talk about Kill Tony. You've

01:47:53.980 been labeled by some as one of the best Kill Tony guests, uh, which is kind of rare because they

01:47:59.220 hate everybody kind of. They do. Yeah. They're like old ONA fans too. They're just animals. Yeah.

01:48:03.620 They're animals. They hate everyone. Um, but I think I, I love doing that show. Like, uh, you know,

01:48:08.820 you did the garden. Yeah. I did. Yeah. It was like a five or six minute standup set. That's cool.

01:48:13.960 It's tough to do there. It is a different energy, man. And I did it last year,

01:48:18.440 but they, they didn't film it for, they just kind of shot it for clips. Um, but when you're

01:48:23.460 doing the panel, I would rat like at the mothership, I've done the panel a lot. And, uh, I always

01:48:28.560 like to, to give the, if I can give the comics a bit of advice, I try to, cause a lot of those

01:48:33.660 guys are really terrible and a lot of them are really good, but they're just raw. And

01:48:38.720 as a new comic, man, I was so fucking easily wounded that if someone like made it seem like

01:48:43.980 I really had nothing, I probably would have quit. So I try, I always try to like fuck

01:48:48.940 around. And if I can say something that helps them, I try to, that's a good point. Yeah.

01:48:53.640 I think I remember now that when you said that, I remember like one of the first nights I ever

01:48:56.820 did comedy or maybe the third or fourth time, like I started like down in New Orleans and

01:49:00.720 Mark Norman was there. Um, Dane Fochie, a couple of some, some local guys, Scotland green, some

01:49:06.060 different comedians down there. And, um, but I remember the bartender said, Hey man, you did a

01:49:10.660 good job. And just something like that little kept me coming back for the next two months.

01:49:15.480 Yeah. Because somebody who, who's in the know, somebody who's in that scene recognize it. And

01:49:21.380 when you're right, the bartender in a comedy club or in a comedy scene, they see everybody.

01:49:24.820 Yeah. So when they like you, you're like, all right, I must be doing something right because

01:49:28.140 they see everyone who comes. There was a guy named Rob at Rascals. He was a bartender and he

01:49:33.420 always liked me and he was always like, yeah, you're really funny, man. And that gave me confidence

01:49:36.900 back then because every comic came through there. And the fact that Rob thought I was

01:49:40.520 funny meant something. You know what I mean? Like that's like when other comics respect

01:49:44.220 you. Oh yeah. You feel like, fuck, I'm doing something right. Cause the guys that are the

01:49:49.120 hardest to make laugh or the most critical about it, like what I'm doing. Yeah. One night

01:49:55.140 I was coming off stage and Bill Burr said something. I had to go on before him at the Dolby theater

01:49:58.680 and I was so nervous. I never even been on a theater, but stage before. And I did pretty

01:50:02.300 good. Right. Just went good. And I was coming off and he's like, I'm pretty good, man. You

01:50:07.040 know, some, some little, even just getting him to even fucking, even if he'd have spit

01:50:10.740 on my back, it would have, you know, if he'd have come on one of my legs, I'd have been

01:50:14.480 like, that's, thank you. He's just multiple migs to that. Yeah. Has the, has the audience

01:50:22.240 stopped cheering Clarice? But yeah, it would have been perfect, dude. But yeah, just, it's

01:50:26.540 so funny. The little things like that. Um, what do you think about Kill Tony and that

01:50:30.200 whole, like when you see that, what do you think about the, do you see it as a phenomenon?

01:50:34.020 Like, do you see it as like a chain? Like, what do you think about it? I think it's great

01:50:38.620 because it gives a lot of the people who bad mouth it. It's like, it's really, it's

01:50:43.700 honest. It's like these young guys are getting up on stage. Some are brand new and you're

01:50:49.800 watching this minute process. It's very hard to be funny in a minute. So hard. And I love

01:50:54.880 the fact that, cause Tony is so fast. Like he really is quick, like lightning fucking

01:51:00.260 fast. And when he plays with people, sometimes they'll be terrible on stage, but they'll win

01:51:05.600 them over in the interview. So he gives you a shot. You have a fair shot at Kill Tony.

01:51:11.340 No one can interrupt you a minute. And during the interview, if you have a comic's brain and

01:51:17.020 you're funny, you'll be acknowledged as being funny. Even if your set wasn't good. I don't

01:51:21.980 feel like there's any bias like, Hey, we're going to get this guy cause he thinks this

01:51:25.860 or we're going to choose that guy cause he thinks that. I agree. I think there's a very,

01:51:30.060 it's a very honest, uh, formula. I love doing it. Um, and I just have a fun time when I do

01:51:36.520 it. It's so pressure free and it's just fun to fuck around and riff. It's like radio.

01:51:40.900 Like I, I love doing that show. Yeah. And you get to be around other guys. Like you're saying,

01:51:45.040 you know, you just get to be around another group of like comics. You're all together.

01:51:48.660 There's the blind guy. There's the Chris Rogers is doing art, you know, it's like,

01:51:53.500 or the black guy, they took his eyes out for being black or whatever. It's just, it's like,

01:51:57.100 come on, dude, those times have changed, but okay. Um, but it's just, and, and then Tony

01:52:02.440 is in a weird way. It's so perfect. Cause Tony's almost always, he's kind of the bad guy, right?

01:52:08.140 He's the wizard, but he's also the bad guy, right? Like, so, you know, he's like, cause

01:52:14.700 he's so like, he can be so, uh, just cutting. Yes. That in the end, he's almost always the

01:52:21.880 bad guy. And yes, some of those people are setting themselves up for complete failure.

01:52:25.100 Some of them just want a moment of that pain of being up there. And some of them, they're

01:52:28.880 getting up there to try it. And it's, it probably gets a lot of those bugs out of their, just

01:52:32.340 the nerves out of their system. Yeah. If you could survive in that, it's a huge stage.

01:52:36.380 Even if you're just doing the mothership, you still know how many people are going to see

01:52:39.240 it. Uh, and he's a sniper. Like, you know what I mean? He picks up on everything. Uh,

01:52:43.760 but if you're good, if he thinks you're funny, he'll see, he won't like, Oh, let me go trash

01:52:48.140 this guy. Cause I have to, he'll acknowledge you as being funny and have a good time talking

01:52:52.060 to you. So I think if you go into it with that and you know, like, Hey, it can go either

01:52:56.320 way. Um, I think you're going to have a good time, but I couldn't have done it six months

01:53:01.480 in. I would have been fucking terrified to do that show six months in. Oh, it would have

01:53:05.220 been so crazy. And that just shows you that times are different somehow. I think with people

01:53:09.120 seeing clips of things, the, the, the psychology of society changes and how people are able

01:53:15.840 to be something and not like when I was coming up, I couldn't have just, I don't think gone

01:53:19.980 and done that and knowing that that many people could see it would have been way too scary.

01:53:23.340 Yeah. It would have been terrifying, but the balls on like, cause they see guys like all

01:53:26.680 these guys that are coming through, they're all doing well. Yeah. The ones that have kind

01:53:29.660 of come through, you know, Cam Patterson is doing great. He just made SNL. He did.

01:53:33.520 Okay. I had heard that, but I didn't want to say it. I didn't know if they announced

01:53:36.140 it yet. You just took it. Please don't. Good for Cam. Um, good. Yeah. I heard that

01:53:40.020 last week. Good for him. Tommy Brennan, uh, Jeremy Culhane, Cam Patterson and Veronica

01:53:46.560 slow, slowy cows. Oh, that's great. Good for you. I'm, I'm happy that they, uh, that was

01:53:51.160 official. I congratulate them. I'm like, I won't say, uh, Ari Maddy is very funny. Christina

01:53:56.280 Mariani, Lucas. Christina Mariani is very funny too. Yeah. Lucas, there's very, a good group

01:54:02.060 of people there and I know I'm Fiona Cawley. I'm forgetting some people. Uh, so I apologize,

01:54:06.520 but Fiona's from here. I think, isn't she? She redheaded? Yes. I don't know where she's

01:54:10.780 from. She might, is she, does she seem like she's like in a wheelchair or whatever? I did

01:54:16.960 get that impression. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Very, very definitively got that impression

01:54:20.380 when she wheeled in. I wasn't, I was like, she didn't seem like it that, that like right

01:54:25.820 now I seem like I'm in a wheelchair cause I'm sitting here, but when somebody wheels in,

01:54:29.200 you can say without reservation, that person's in a wheelchair. And blessings Fiona. She should

01:54:37.640 be on SNL. She's great. She and I have actually, uh, worked together on the same show a few times.

01:54:41.800 So I just, yeah, I, yeah, same. Yeah. I like that whole crew and they're all, they're all

01:54:46.240 nice. Like you see them on the events now and they're getting real followings. So many of

01:54:51.040 them. Um, so it's, it's nice to see the, these, uh, these young comics doing really well.

01:54:56.820 And some, some people, I don't want anybody would begrudge those guys. It's like, there's

01:55:00.320 room for everybody. Like there's what Rogan always says. And that's one thing that I admire

01:55:03.820 about him the most. He always says that there's room for everybody. There's room for all of

01:55:07.620 us to lift each other up. Yeah. Like I'm not afraid of my spot and like we all, as we get

01:55:12.040 older, you feel like, Oh, I suck. I'm worthless. Like it's, it's, it's just a part of what made

01:55:15.980 me a comic to begin with. I mean, if I had great self-esteem, I would not have gotten into

01:55:19.160 this line of work, but that, that part of me has remained the same. But, uh, as far as shitting

01:55:24.760 on other people, we're trying to keep other people down because of what they say or their

01:55:28.860 belief. It's just such a weak pussy thing to do. It's like, who the fuck cares? Like,

01:55:34.060 I don't care what other guys are talking about on stage. As long as you're not stealing material,

01:55:37.620 uh, whatever point of view you're talking about, good. Make it funny. Yeah. I don't even have

01:55:42.160 time to think about that. No, but guys do. You do the joke from the wrong angle and people

01:55:47.320 like, Whoa. And I'm like, because, and it's dishonest when people criticize that. It's not like,

01:55:52.760 Hey, I'm old and I can't handle young people being involved. It's that I think it's dishonest

01:55:57.380 and, and like attacking other comics for material points of view is a way for you to climb socially.

01:56:03.220 It's become one more way to climb the ladder. It's not based. These purity tests are just one

01:56:09.060 more way for people to climb the ladder. They give you a purity test. You fail. They climb a little

01:56:13.900 higher because they gave the test. It's nonsense. But that ladder has fallen so far down in society.

01:56:18.680 I think people are just like, whatever that whole system was for so long is disappearing

01:56:23.740 so much. You know, I think that's why it's like, um, yeah, I don't know. People just make

01:56:29.280 their own choices now. Like who's going to listen to some article or some fuck, you know,

01:56:33.400 it's like, I believe we're in a space where more and more, it feels like people would make

01:56:37.340 their own choices, but maybe not. You hope so. I mean, and I've never like, I never, no one

01:56:41.700 changes my mind. Like I think for myself, like everyone can say what they want. Cause I, I think

01:56:47.060 for myself, like people will say things about like, well, when he says that they'll come after

01:56:51.200 Rogan, what he says is dangerous. And I'm like, well, have you listened to him? And they're like,

01:56:55.920 yeah. Did he change your mind? No. Well then why don't you give everybody that credit? Like

01:56:59.440 people give themselves the ability to, to, uh, to go through information intelligently, but they

01:57:05.640 think the rest of the public are a bunch of blithering tards who can't do it. And it's like, no,

01:57:09.460 you're not the only one who can sift through information.

01:57:12.240 And some people don't operate, but do not make their decisions from information based

01:57:17.400 on the analysis of the information. They base it on how the information makes them feel.

01:57:22.360 And I don't think that those people are necessarily, one is necessarily more right than the other

01:57:27.300 sometimes. Yeah. And it's hard to kind of like just tune it all out. I tried to, I like, there

01:57:32.120 was years I didn't check at mentions on Twitter. Like I just don't, I don't give a fuck what

01:57:37.440 everybody's talking about. Oh yeah. What does he say about that? Give us a shit. I don't

01:57:42.800 have time to. Yeah. I don't, I really don't. And I don't care. Yeah. It's not interesting

01:57:46.960 to me. Yeah. Like, you know, if it's a friend and I'm talking to him, sure. But do I care

01:57:51.460 who other people vote for? Like it is of no relevance to me whatsoever. Yeah. I don't

01:57:56.860 know how people, uh, and like, if you say something good about Trump, like there's policies

01:58:00.800 he has that I very much disagree with, but like you say anything good about him, like he's

01:58:05.060 the, how could you say, shut up, right? Take your little identity hat off. Just be a

01:58:09.900 person, have a conversation. What do you think about this stuff? Like in DC, they just had

01:58:13.780 where they, they want to clean up some of these cities and they're using the national

01:58:16.820 guard, which I've always thought is like, you know, police are in this tough space where

01:58:21.140 everybody's filming them. And it's like, it feels like they need more support somehow.

01:58:25.380 A lot of cities have become overrun with crime. Um, Trump's use of national guard in Los

01:58:30.600 Angeles was illegal. Judge rules. Yeah. I know Brandon Johnson in, uh, Chicago is not

01:58:35.720 for it. He's the worst mayor in the country. Is he awful? Chicago's mayor pushes back as

01:58:40.000 Trump administration readies immigration crackdown. Let's see what they say. Chicago's mayor

01:58:43.640 is limited. How much is city's police department can cooperate with federal immigration agents

01:58:47.840 in response to threats from the Trump administration to ramp up immigration enforcement operations in

01:58:53.200 the city. So it's just about immigration. And, and like they did, I don't know. They,

01:58:58.080 they didn't want national guard helping, uh, with immigration. Like they didn't want to help

01:59:02.900 national guard immigration or troops, but if they're just doing it to control crime, it's

01:59:07.140 like crime is, it's a mess. I agree. As long as they're not interfering with people's comings

01:59:11.620 and goings, if they're just patrolling the streets and giving the police some assistance,

01:59:15.480 you know, most of the people who are against these policies, a lot of them don't live in those

01:59:19.820 neighborhoods. A lot of them can leave their house without being fucking worried about being

01:59:22.980 robbed by somebody selling drugs. So I think if it keeps people safer, as long as you're not

01:59:27.580 infringing on their right to do anything. Yeah. Um, but I, you know, I have a real salt. Look,

01:59:33.280 here's the reality. The most important thing Trump has done is, uh, he is, he is honoring kiss

01:59:38.320 at the Kennedy center. And I'm going to tell you, there's nothing that has made me happier than any

01:59:42.840 politician has ever done. Is he really doing that? Gene, Peter, Ace, and Paul, the original four

01:59:46.980 members are being honored at the Kennedy center. Nothing has made me happier than that. I love him.

01:59:52.580 I love that he did that. I would hug him. I mean, he does a lot of interesting stuff, man. And I hope

01:59:58.220 that some of the, his plans for the country and stuff are good, you know, like I hope we see a

02:00:03.180 lot of the things that he, you know, kind of tried to campaign on. And I think it's just really

02:00:07.000 interesting when guys campaign and then when they get in office, I bet things are way different and

02:00:11.900 we don't know what those things are like, you know, but I hope that he has a lot of long-term

02:00:16.280 like beneficial things for the everyday American, you know, I bet you Obama was very disappointed.

02:00:23.240 Like, because he was like a young, not too tainted by politics guy, but like he was still a relatively

02:00:29.100 young guy voted for him and he, uh, had all these hopes and dream. And then you get into it and you're

02:00:34.780 like, Oh, this is a, there's a lot of muck and glue and things. I bet you that his idealism somehow

02:00:42.000 got squashed a little bit when he saw how it really worked from being deep in it.

02:00:47.500 And these things that you think you're going to fix, you can't.

02:00:52.160 Yeah. What does it say here? What affected, uh, Trump's crackdown on crime in Washington,

02:00:56.540 D.C. led to a significant drop in reported violent crime and property crime. It also

02:01:00.020 generated controversy, strains on the legal system and a dramatic increase in immigration related

02:01:04.700 arrests. Violent crime fell by about 49% compared to the same period the previous year with overall

02:01:09.780 property crimes and car theft also down by 30 to 40%. I wonder if they're just using this

02:01:14.640 as a ruse though for ice and immigration. Yeah. I don't know. I think that there's a genuine

02:01:22.080 desire in cities that have really high crime rates to bring it down. Please. I think people's

02:01:27.940 biggest concern is they want to be able to leave the house. People care about abortion. They

02:01:31.540 care about all this, but people want to be able to leave the house and go to work without

02:01:34.720 being fucking hit over the head with a pipe. Like, you know what I mean? There is, there

02:01:38.900 is a really basic desire to want to get in your car without it being stolen at gunpoint. Like

02:01:46.540 these things that we take for granted so many times, the violent crime to me, cause it's such a,

02:01:51.820 an avoidable thing. So avoidable. It's so avoidable. So if he's using these forces the way he says he's

02:01:59.260 using them, I have no problem with it. And I don't want to see, look, illegal immigrants who are

02:02:04.580 housekeepers who are just out working, who are whatever they're doing. Like they're out building

02:02:08.300 houses. They're out. I have no problem. Contributing being, being some, some great

02:02:13.280 members of America. There are people who just want a better life. Like those people I don't want to

02:02:16.880 see kicked out. I know they're here illegally, but I still have empathy for someone doing that.

02:02:21.360 But as soon as you commit crimes and like you commit a violent, a felony or even an assault

02:02:26.040 out. Yeah. I mean, that's it. There should be no second chance. I mean, if you're lucky enough to be

02:02:31.100 here, don't commit violent crimes. I mean, I don't think that's crazy. Yeah. And especially

02:02:35.420 if as a regular citizen here, if you commit a violent crime that you're held to a certain

02:02:38.980 standard, you know? Yeah. You're going to jail. Yeah. You're not being released immediately.

02:02:43.300 Yeah. I think there's a lot of holes. It's, it's tough. I don't know, man. You know,

02:02:46.380 and we just try our best and you try your best just to show up for yourself every day and your new

02:02:50.780 wife and. Yeah. And not be a bad boy on the road. Yeah. Talking to her and the dog. Is that tough?

02:02:57.080 Yeah. It is because again, but it's not like there's one specific thing. It's tough because

02:03:02.320 it's, addiction is selfish and like it's, it's about, it's about getting high and it's

02:03:08.300 about feeling that rush. So, so many times you want to do things just to get away from

02:03:12.480 yourself. Oh yeah. Like I, I, I, I'm not happy with how I look. I'm going to jerk off or I'm

02:03:17.920 going to fucking, yeah. Yeah. And I do that too much. I mean, I really do. I mean, up and

02:03:21.940 down the fucking East coast, there are towels that probably should not be used by another

02:03:26.200 person. My apologies to any guests who's drying off and your back gets scraped up because

02:03:30.920 the towel is too, too rough. That's my bad. Yeah, it really is tough times, but it's,

02:03:40.000 it's not, you know, what do they say? I'm not the man I could be or should be, but I'm

02:03:44.400 not the man I was like, you know, my life is better now. I'm happily married. I mean, despite

02:03:49.660 being annoyed at times of being married, um, I, I love the fact that my wife enjoys when

02:03:55.480 I joke about us on stage. She's not sensitive about like, you know what I mean? I just,

02:03:59.620 right. You can be free in your relationship. Yeah. She loves it. And we all send videos of

02:04:03.820 like jerking off and stuff like that or no. Do people do that? No. I mean, I, she sent

02:04:08.360 me some nude photos and videos, but that's cool. We live together and like, that's the one

02:04:13.080 thing when you're married that perverted stuff. Right. Sometimes. Cause you can hook up

02:04:18.260 whenever you want. Right. But if I asked her for a video jerking off, she'd probably

02:04:21.100 send it to me. She has in the past. That's nice. Yeah. I'll ask her. Um, Eddie

02:04:25.700 Money showed me some pictures of his new wife one time on a plane. Nude? Pretty

02:04:32.700 nude. Whoa. I like Eddie Money. He's dead now, unfortunately. Dude, he said he hit a

02:04:37.620 can of Huff one time so hard that one of his legs quit working. Really? Fuck yeah. He

02:04:42.440 was a fascinating guy. He overdosed, survived a lot of stuff. Was his wife look good

02:04:47.860 naked? Pretty good. I'll show you my wife's penis if you want. I mean, she

02:04:51.220 wouldn't care. She wouldn't care. Oh dude, maybe just do a drawing of it for

02:04:56.320 me. Okay. All right. You think? All right. Just show it. I'll kind of go like

02:04:59.060 this a little. All right. Um, I won't show it on camera just because. No, no, no. Just

02:05:02.820 show it to me. I don't want to see all of it at once. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. She's, I

02:05:05.920 can't show it all on camera cause she's a lady. She wouldn't care for that. No lady

02:05:09.060 wants their penis shown completely on camera. Oh, for sure. Dude, I don't even want to

02:05:12.240 fucking look at it. Oh, I won't show it to you if you don't want to look at it.

02:05:14.160 I'm okay. I like. Um, let me see here. Hold on. I'll, you, you, you can, I won't

02:05:20.700 just, I won't just hit you with it. Yeah. It's no surprise. You don't be

02:05:23.180 like. Let me find an acceptable photo that she would be, uh, that she would be

02:05:29.040 proud of. Okay. Uh, no, no, she wouldn't like that. That's a video. Um, I'll find

02:05:33.920 one for you. Yeah. Take your time. I'm going to think about something else for

02:05:37.180 just a minute. All right. You want to see? Yeah. Hold on. Okay. Yeah. Whoa, brother.

02:05:42.540 What the heck? Oh my God, Jim. Your wife has that? That's my lady. That's my

02:05:51.780 best gal. Wow. That is a, that is a tall pussy. She's a tall lady. She's a tall lady.

02:06:03.900 Oh, that thing's in four H, huh? Yeah. Oh, you got to spray some roundup on that. Yeah. God.

02:06:09.840 Yeah. You got to get back home. Yeah. I mean, sometimes I need a break. You know

02:06:13.500 what I mean? Your body collects and you're like, I mean, I'll take a little

02:06:16.700 break. Oh yeah. Bro, you could fucking scratch. You could, uh, file your nails

02:06:21.400 down on that thing. Yeah. Uh, but it's, but it's funny. It's like, it really is. That's

02:06:27.820 the main difference in the relationship. It's like compared to other women I've

02:06:31.000 dated as a person, there's no difference. Like our life is the same as anybody's

02:06:35.940 life. Thank God she has a sense of humor. I love that she has a sense of humor. I love

02:06:40.180 that you have to have that. Yeah. Um, but some don't. I've dated people who would get

02:06:45.320 mad if I talked about certain things and I've even gone out with trans girls that would

02:06:48.400 be very mad at me just doing that. So at least she has a good sense of humor, man. If

02:06:54.000 she didn't, I wouldn't have done that. Like I'm fucking around, but yeah, that's correct.

02:06:56.840 I mean, yeah, I wouldn't, I mean, I would never even look at some guy's wiener, but it's

02:07:01.680 a woman's wiener. Yeah. I mean, I guess it depends on people look at that differently

02:07:06.060 too. Like there's a lot of people that are, uh, very anti, uh, that label being put on,

02:07:11.980 on trans women. But I, I think that, uh, you know, if you, if you spend any time with my

02:07:16.860 wife, it's just, it's not a man's brain and people are like, dude, just say, admit it.

02:07:20.100 You're gay. We don't care. I understand why people say that. And I really do. Like I get

02:07:25.460 it. And again, I couldn't prove the point in court because it, my, my partner has a penis.

02:07:31.240 Like there's no way around that. Um, but you know, unless you have a long way to time

02:07:34.900 to walk, um, or a small ladder, uh, but you know, that seemed like a woman's wiener to

02:07:41.840 me. Well, yes, that's how I look at it. I mean, but, but I understand why people say

02:07:45.680 just admit you're gay, but it's, there's a difference and I can't describe the difference,

02:07:50.020 but I understand the difference internally. Um, if I was a homosexual at this age, I would

02:07:54.300 tell people I don't give a fuck. Like if, like I, it's not a, that I'm running away from

02:07:58.880 saying something that people think I should say. Um, you know, sometimes I miss vaginas.

02:08:04.600 I mean, I like them. Yeah. But, but Hey, here we are. Here we are. And happy and happy.

02:08:11.760 There you go, brother. Oh yeah. That thing is a damn God. That thing's a damn lunchable

02:08:16.860 you got going on. Yeah. Yeah. You got to respect it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyone's got to respect

02:08:21.540 that. Like even somebody who's not into that lifestyle would go, you know what? Round of applause.

02:08:25.200 I'll get up. Yeah, sir. Yeah. Um, unconceivable is, uh, is on YouTube now and, um, always thanks

02:08:33.900 for all the entertainment, man. Thanks for welcoming me on your show and giving me a chance

02:08:37.300 to, uh, just, just get to ever even be on a radio show and make it fun and, um, or on

02:08:42.880 a podcast. You guys were kind of in that early realm. It was kind of a hodgepodge in there.

02:08:46.620 It was, it was, uh, yeah. I mean, podcasting, I remember Mark Maron used to occasionally when

02:08:51.360 he was in town, if he needed a studio to interview someone who would use our productions to like

02:08:55.280 we were there at the very, very beginning and good luck. Uh, I didn't see it coming. I

02:09:00.920 mean, I knew it was going to be popular and I had a radio contract, but I didn't, uh, I

02:09:05.240 wish I had jumped on it earlier, but I wasn't allowed to, I had a, I had a exclusivity contract,

02:09:09.500 but, uh, whatever. Who gives a fuck, Jim? Yeah. You, well, you've been, I think you've done

02:09:14.280 the best job of being Jim Norton, man, from an outside perspective. It's been interesting.

02:09:18.240 And you're, I think you're an inspiration for people to try and figure out how to best

02:09:22.000 be themselves. I know it's a journey for everybody, but I think it's cool, man. I think it's

02:09:25.580 interesting. You seem like kind of like a person that's kind of brave in the world.

02:09:29.540 Well, I appreciate that, but I, it really is. And none of my, I haven't lost any friends

02:09:33.920 over my life. Like, you know what I mean? Like whoever doesn't like, I wouldn't, there's

02:09:37.820 no one I wouldn't cut loose. Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? I have my friends. I have

02:09:41.080 no shame in that part of my life and who I love. Like, Oh yeah. It doesn't seem like

02:09:45.360 it at all. It's a, it's a fun life. So I'm very lucky. I appreciate you having me on

02:09:48.220 that. I love what you do. Yeah. I got to come do yours before the end of the year.

02:09:51.620 Yeah. I would love that. I would really love that. We'll make it happen, man. Thanks

02:09:54.480 pal. Jim Norton. Thank you so much. Thank you, Theo.

02:09:56.240 Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I must be

02:10:03.960 cornerstone. Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind. I found I can

02:10:14.140 feel it in my bones. But it's gonna tell you.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - September 05, 2025

#608 - Jim Norton

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