This Past Weekend with Theo Von - August 21, 2017


8-21-17 ｜ This Past Weekend #38


Episode Stats


Length

1 hour and 1 minute

Words per minute

184.7391

Word count

11,417

Sentence count

980

Harmful content

Misogyny

24

sentences flagged

Toxicity

120

sentences flagged

Hate speech

32

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

I'm trying to quit smoking and it's not going so well. I think about time travel and wonder if maybe there are some time travelers in the universe. I don't know, but I'm going to do some research and see if I can find out.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.100 This past weekend.
00:00:03.440 Okay, we got the audio going.
00:00:06.900 Cutting this on.
00:00:10.640 Just took my afrin, so...
00:00:15.720 Hopefully that's gonna help me breathe.
00:00:22.040 Happy to be here.
00:00:24.320 Celebrate living.
00:00:26.400 A little frustrating.
00:00:27.340 Celebrate misery.
00:00:30.000 You know that soon we're gonna die.
00:00:37.120 I'm trying to quit smoking.
00:00:39.240 Let's have some fun while we'll die.
00:00:44.000 Thank you for joining me, man.
00:00:45.540 And I haven't been a smoker, but I just kind of started, you know, really just kind of
00:00:51.560 farting around with the habit.
00:00:53.600 And cigarettes are crazy.
00:00:55.900 I don't know what they put in cigarettes.
00:00:57.200 It's cocaine, maybe, but they are an enticing little treat, you know?
00:01:03.760 And you start thinking...
00:01:06.280 They become the first thing you think of sometimes.
00:01:08.860 Cigarettes.
00:01:09.700 You know, they become the first thing that you think of.
00:01:11.520 If you're having a moment of difficulty or a moment of triumph, instead of thinking,
00:01:16.400 oh, man, how do I solve this?
00:01:18.240 How do I feel about this?
00:01:19.260 How do I do anything?
00:01:21.240 Instead, you have a cigarette.
00:01:23.520 You know?
00:01:24.180 You just smoke that feeling out of your brain and out of your bloodstream with that cigarette
00:01:28.760 smoke, you know?
00:01:30.400 And this is an age-old tradition.
00:01:31.880 And I don't think it's bad long-term if you can use it in severe moderation.
00:01:39.320 The problem is doing that.
00:01:42.220 That's the hard thing.
00:01:43.300 So I've done great with it over the years.
00:01:47.480 Flared up probably in the past year.
00:01:50.440 The past few months, I've been great.
00:01:53.020 And then now, it's really, I've fallen, just in the past three or four days, just fell
00:01:56.600 back down that stairs, you know, that carcinogen staircase, you know?
00:02:00.780 And you're just banging your head, and on each stairs, you bounce down, you know?
00:02:05.360 Emphysema, asthma, the black lung pop, you know?
00:02:08.720 Getting your toes cut off.
00:02:10.160 And the next thing you know, you're lying at the bottom of the staircase. 0.94
00:02:12.560 You know, you're breathing through one of those, you know, those gangster-ass throat 0.97
00:02:16.340 holes, you know? 0.95
00:02:17.680 I mean, some of those throat holes get big.
00:02:19.460 You know, I've seen somebody had, I mean, I'm surprised a couple Ninja Turtles didn't
00:02:23.700 pop out of it.
00:02:24.420 You know, this fella had a real, he had a real, he had a real, you know, a real little, almost
00:02:31.540 like a big third nostril. 0.84
00:02:33.240 You know, he could take a hit off the whole world through his neck.
00:02:37.300 But it's not healthy, you know, when you have that.
00:02:39.200 That kind of stuff isn't healthy.
00:02:40.600 But, so today I've gone all day.
00:02:43.200 I've had some cravings, you know?
00:02:45.580 I mean, if you'd have told me there was a hit of nicotine in my bloodstream, I would 0.99
00:02:48.980 have, I would have dressed up like a vampire and damn bit myself. 0.99
00:02:52.580 Okay? 0.99
00:02:52.860 That's where I was at.
00:02:54.140 But welcome, guys.
00:02:55.460 I appreciate you being here with me this morning.
00:02:57.020 I really do appreciate your time.
00:02:59.380 This is Monday, August 21st, 2017.
00:03:04.560 And as far as we know, and for most of us, this will be the only Monday, August 21st,
00:03:09.360 2017 that we ever have.
00:03:11.640 You know, unless there are some time travelers out there.
00:03:14.100 You know, I like to start thinking about time travel.
00:03:16.080 And I'm going to look into it.
00:03:17.780 I'm going to do some Google research and then some real research.
00:03:22.700 You know, and just talk to friends and see maybe what they think about time travel.
00:03:26.380 Are there time travelers here?
00:03:27.920 How does that work?
00:03:28.720 What's going on?
00:03:30.320 You know, what do they eat?
00:03:31.500 What do they do?
00:03:32.200 What do they do in their spare time?
00:03:34.280 You know, a lot of times you see these time traveling shows and people travel to time.
00:03:38.140 They travel through time with a poignant purpose.
00:03:41.580 You know, they got something on their mind.
00:03:43.720 You know, they got a little bit of beef.
00:03:44.740 They got a, you know, that they got a, that they have to, you know, grill, but in a different
00:03:50.160 time period.
00:03:51.420 So you got them straight up people traveling, just trying to, you know, cure, cure meats,
00:03:58.100 you know.
00:03:58.280 And by meats, I mean different issues that are going on.
00:04:01.540 You know, maybe they got to travel back 100 years to, because they, they, they're helping
00:04:05.240 with prohibition or they got to travel back 70 years because they're helping, you know,
00:04:10.080 somebody took a gunshot wound and they got to step in the way of it or something.
00:04:15.520 You know, there's always a specific meat that they're heading back to grill, if you will.
00:04:20.320 That's all metaphorical.
00:04:21.460 The type of, there's a specific reason that they're traveling back in time, right?
00:04:27.000 Well, I wonder what do time travelers do when they're not being specific, you know?
00:04:33.000 What are they doing?
00:04:34.000 They're just kind of milling around.
00:04:35.180 Do they, you know, you know, is it hard if you travel back in time because you don't 0.95
00:04:40.880 have the, the, the, the customs and the, probably the dope future shit, the DFS that they have 0.88
00:04:48.160 down the road? 0.90
00:04:49.060 I don't know.
00:04:50.140 But anyhow, you might be able to time travel today because it's eclipse day.
00:04:55.280 People have been talking about it, right?
00:04:57.820 It is a solar eclipse.
00:04:59.260 And one of the, one of the things that's apparently amazing about this one is that it's the, this
00:05:05.460 one is the, the, the, the best one since 1918 that you can see here in the United States.
00:05:13.000 It's basically diagonal across the United States from Portland down, I want to say to
00:05:18.620 Florida, but that's, you know, just me taking the easiest way out of, of this question or
00:05:24.160 out of this thought.
00:05:24.860 But it's diagonal across the U S there's a lot of people apparently have descended upon
00:05:29.580 Portland to see, see, see stuff go dark, you know?
00:05:35.780 And it's interesting, man, since 1918, you know, and my father actually, so some of you
00:05:42.120 guys know my father was born in 1910.
00:05:44.700 So my father was eight years old.
00:05:47.140 I don't know if he saw the eclipse or not, if it was as big of a thing to them.
00:05:50.500 Um, but, uh, it's just interesting to think sometimes like what your parents were doing
00:05:56.400 when they were children, you know, I always put my parents or I always put adults, um,
00:06:03.640 especially as you grow up on this odd pedestal on this special place.
00:06:07.220 I mean, surely they have more knowledge.
00:06:08.820 So you're, you'll, you'll, most of the time you'll accept that, but then you also put them
00:06:13.440 in this other sort of realm of, of humanity and of experience.
00:06:19.020 Um, but then as you get older, it, it's, it's interesting to try and think back what they
00:06:24.960 were like as children, you know?
00:06:27.520 I mean, I think about my father in 1918, you know, maybe standing out there looking at the
00:06:32.780 eclipse down in Nicaragua.
00:06:34.080 I don't know if they got it, you know?
00:06:35.780 I don't think he came to America actually until he was 12 years old, but I do remember
00:06:40.440 my dad telling me one time that two of his buddies or two children in his neighborhood
00:06:45.200 got into a gunfight, children, okay?
00:06:48.520 Children got into a gunfight and they went and, and it wasn't like gangbangers type of
00:06:55.360 stuff.
00:06:55.600 This was, some kids said, I'm going to get my gun.
00:06:58.060 Some kids said, I'm going to get my daddy's gun.
00:06:59.860 And they went, both went and got guns, six shooters.
00:07:02.380 Then they came outside and they both shot, shot at each other six times each, 12 times and
00:07:09.060 didn't hit each other, dude.
00:07:10.960 Is that, I mean, that's, when you think about it, that is remarkable that two kids somewhere
00:07:17.120 around the age of 10 or 11 years old or 12 years old went and got six shooters, shot
00:07:23.360 them off at each other and didn't hit each other, man.
00:07:26.060 I mean, that's truly beautiful when you think about it, you know?
00:07:30.160 I mean, but those were different times, man.
00:07:31.580 That's maybe when you settled things like that, you know?
00:07:33.560 But it's the longest visible eclipse in America since 1918.
00:07:38.340 You know, I wonder if animals and plants, are they concerned? 0.99
00:07:41.240 Like when the sun goes out, you know, are dogs gonna, will, will cats give a fuck? 0.92
00:07:47.740 You know, will ferns kind of start creeping on people or, you know, getting iry? 0.93
00:07:53.640 You know, I'm just kind of wondering what else the rest of nature is doing, you know?
00:07:57.880 Because we have 50,000 people flying to Oregon to go witness this, you know?
00:08:04.340 I think I'm fine witnessing it from here.
00:08:07.180 It'll hit us at 1028 a.m. Pacific Standard Time.
00:08:11.460 So that's, you know, noon 28 a.m., noon 28 p.m. Central Standard Time.
00:08:18.440 So if you want to get out there and check it out, man.
00:08:21.900 But yeah, think about that sometimes, what our parents were like, what they did when they 0.99
00:08:25.180 were young, because they just did regular dumb kid shit like we did. 1.00
00:08:28.340 You know? 0.99
00:08:29.060 Like they weren't, they weren't our parents back then.
00:08:32.820 They were just children when they were young. 1.00
00:08:34.480 So they were just doing dumb shit, you know? 0.99
00:08:37.360 And my father probably lived in a time, I'm thinking, you know, when over the summer or 1.00
00:08:41.600 whatever, your buddies just died, you know?
00:08:43.480 And even a lot of times, like the 30s and stuff, the Dust Bowl, 20, I mean, people just
00:08:48.880 died.
00:08:49.660 You're like, I mean, people only lived to maybe, what, 40 years old, 41?
00:08:53.840 People died all the time, you know?
00:08:55.920 You'd be walking to church or something, somebody gets bit by a snake, dies, dude, before brunch.
00:09:01.660 I mean, that's crazy, you know?
00:09:04.740 It's crazy to think that, how people just died all the time.
00:09:08.320 Fever.
00:09:09.240 Snakes.
00:09:10.320 You know?
00:09:10.900 Spiders.
00:09:12.000 Attack animals.
00:09:14.060 You know?
00:09:15.260 Strangling.
00:09:17.160 Strangling?
00:09:18.440 Dude, come on.
00:09:19.720 Can you even imagine the amount of strangling that was going on back then?
00:09:24.060 You know?
00:09:24.600 I mean, you could leave for a school year, come back, half your class is missing.
00:09:28.020 You know?
00:09:28.340 Two people died of tetanus, one kid bitten by a wolf.
00:09:32.920 You know?
00:09:33.160 Where's Lawrence?
00:09:34.100 I don't know.
00:09:35.520 You know, he went to get some water, nobody ever saw him again.
00:09:38.580 You know?
00:09:38.880 Do you want some of his old pants?
00:09:40.060 I don't know.
00:09:40.820 Let's play marbles before we probably die.
00:09:43.140 You know?
00:09:43.440 Let's get a game of marbles in before the Lord comes and gets us.
00:09:48.700 You know, that's what I'm thinking.
00:09:49.440 It probably should have been a wild universe back then.
00:09:51.580 You know?
00:09:52.960 But the eclipse is here, man. 1.00
00:09:54.180 It's a great time probably to steal some shit, if you're thinking about stealing some shit. 1.00
00:09:57.200 Great time to show somebody your dick or something, you know? 1.00
00:09:59.940 If you're into that kind of stuff. 1.00
00:10:01.000 If you're into the dark arts.
00:10:03.780 But it's a great time to kind of act out, I think.
00:10:07.120 And I think it's nice also because we've been needing something in America that, especially in America, maybe in the world, that just shows us that Mother Nature is the boss.
00:10:15.940 You know, we're kind of hooked on us being the boss.
00:10:20.100 We control it all.
00:10:22.060 You know, we're one fancy tidal wave from everybody, you know, being out on the street, you know, shanking each other out for cans of albacore fish.
00:10:37.260 You know, we are one long, you know, thunderous earthquake away from people, you know, setting traps in the park to try and get a pair of new shorts.
00:10:54.680 You know, I mean, that's where we're at.
00:10:56.640 You know, people don't realize that.
00:10:57.660 I think we've gotten so caught up in ourselves, we're almost bored in America, you know, in the way that we don't – we're starting to forget that we're humans in a way.
00:11:10.100 I don't know if that makes sense to anybody.
00:11:11.200 We're starting to forget that we're humans.
00:11:13.120 You know, like being human doesn't seem as important as like being right or being wrong or being selfish.
00:11:18.800 Those things seem to have taken utmost importance.
00:11:22.280 But I don't know, man.
00:11:24.160 It's just wild, dude.
00:11:25.280 So I'm glad that Mother Nature's coming just to do a little bit of aerial work, you know, a little bit of Cirque du Soleur, you know, get out there and show her nuts off. 0.78
00:11:34.620 Because you know Mother Nature's transgender, don't you know? 1.00
00:11:37.800 Don't you know that? 0.97
00:11:39.360 You know Mother Nature's transgender, dude. 1.00
00:11:43.020 I mean, you know she's getting out there with them solar balls, you know, 0.99
00:11:47.360 and going to make them work, make them do a little bit of sky work.
00:11:51.300 So I'm excited to see that.
00:11:53.320 Because we need something.
00:11:54.540 We need something just to show us, you know, that we as people are more important.
00:11:59.100 We need to have some empathy.
00:12:00.160 There's not a lot of empathy these days.
00:12:01.940 Everybody wants to be right, you know?
00:12:04.560 Why do we have to be right?
00:12:05.620 That's so crazy.
00:12:07.380 You know, I can understand us wanting to be right, but having to be right is just kind of a reach.
00:12:13.360 But anyhow, what else is going on, man?
00:12:15.560 Yeah, I was just thinking about that.
00:12:17.360 You know, what it was like when my father was young.
00:12:20.660 He told me kids were real starving out in Nicaragua, and they would eat dirt.
00:12:26.320 He said they had children that would eat dirt in this village where his family was doing some missionary work over there,
00:12:31.620 or where they were doing some church work.
00:12:32.960 And he'd see children eating dirt, you know?
00:12:36.860 Making, but they would mold the dirt into food and then eat it.
00:12:40.740 And that's pretty, it's interesting.
00:12:44.060 You know, it's kind of ball, that's pretty gangster, you know?
00:12:48.820 It's like, yeah, anybody could just eat dirt, dude.
00:12:51.040 But what about this dirt brulee I'm about to have?
00:12:55.440 I respect people like that, people that have an imagination even in the toughest of times.
00:12:59.360 Yeah, I hate to say that, but I mean, maybe that's wild, but I feel like we need something in Mother Nature or in the world.
00:13:07.860 And I don't want to, you know, I've thought about a war even, to be honest, you know?
00:13:11.380 I mean, I don't want to see loss of life and that sort of thing, but we need something that helps us all realize that we are on the same page, you know?
00:13:20.920 That we are humans here together.
00:13:23.540 I mean, it's crazy to think that we are this speck in the middle of nowhere, and we're fighting?
00:13:31.020 I mean, are we, you know, what's wrong with us?
00:13:37.220 You know, that we're a speck in the middle of nowhere.
00:13:39.880 We could be doing anything, and we're fighting, man.
00:13:44.040 And we're not all fighting, but these days in America, there's a lot of boiling, a lot of boiling going on.
00:13:49.860 A lot of people boiling, a lot of people, you know, thinking, feeling.
00:13:55.980 And I'll say one thing that's interesting, man.
00:13:57.800 It's great almost.
00:13:59.540 You know, I like the fact that even though it's frustrating when I wake up or when I hear, I feel.
00:14:07.400 I have a, I care.
00:14:10.240 I have a point of view.
00:14:13.080 Because for a long time, my generation, I'm 37 years old, I'm an adult male.
00:14:17.420 And for my generation, there was a 20-year span.
00:14:21.080 There was no, you got up, you didn't really care.
00:14:25.120 Everybody just kind of went on with everything.
00:14:27.000 There was no sides.
00:14:28.840 There was no purpose.
00:14:29.880 There was no vigor.
00:14:31.560 You almost didn't even need your nutsack.
00:14:34.420 I remember at the time, I remember thinking, do I even, you know, I wish my nuts were detachable.
00:14:39.900 I'd leave them here at the house.
00:14:41.920 I'd hang them by that one winter hat that I wear once a year.
00:14:46.180 You know, or that whistle. 0.99
00:14:47.120 Everybody has a freaking whistle on their dang coat rack. 1.00
00:14:52.760 What are you doing with a stupid whistle? 1.00
00:14:54.720 That creeps me out. 1.00
00:14:55.640 When I go to your place, and you got us, if you got a hat rack, I'll look at it.
00:15:00.200 I'll love, I've always been a, kind of an aficionado of hat racks and C-racks, coat racks.
00:15:05.840 And I will, if you got a whistle hanging there, dude, but you're not really, you're not a referee or something, shut it down.
00:15:13.440 Shut it down, baby bear.
00:15:15.400 You know, but I'm excited, you know, I am hopeful because now people are feeling, there's purpose.
00:15:21.820 People are going to, people want to say something.
00:15:24.700 People want to feel something.
00:15:26.540 You know, I get up out of bed and I feel.
00:15:29.000 Might be anger, but at least I'm feeling.
00:15:32.380 At least I'm being reminded that I'm alive, you know.
00:15:35.840 Because we're quickly, in other ways, turning into zombies.
00:15:39.800 And I feel like maybe that, you know, I don't want it to be, well, I'd love a natural disaster of some crazy sort.
00:15:45.580 It might sound, you know, it sounds a little crazy saying it.
00:15:50.260 But if not, do we just taper off into oblivion with losing our feelings and becoming, you know, just we're going to be the worst robots.
00:16:01.680 We'll be eliminated and real robots will take over. 0.99
00:16:04.480 You know, I remember talking to my niece the other day.
00:16:07.460 I'm talking about imagination.
00:16:09.460 I said, use your imagination.
00:16:11.020 And she goes, I don't think I have that on my phone.
00:16:14.860 Like, what?
00:16:16.580 I said, your imagination, it's, it's an app that's in your head.
00:16:21.280 You know, but now it's like, man.
00:16:26.140 So I just would love to be, because if you're in the trenches, if there's something on the line, if there's a war, there's a natural disaster.
00:16:33.080 If the alien's coming, you know, then we're, then you're going to have to team up with some, it's not going to matter.
00:16:39.700 You know, because then we're all going to be on the same side.
00:16:44.140 We're going to realize that we're all humans.
00:16:46.240 We're not just weirdos hiding behind Twitter, threatening each other and fighting.
00:16:51.220 And I use Twitter, but GD, man, let's shut it down.
00:16:54.620 That thing is ruining humanity.
00:16:57.480 It's ruining it.
00:16:58.980 It's just fury.
00:17:01.960 I open Instagram.
00:17:02.940 I'm kind of okay on Instagram.
00:17:04.120 I feel, you know, it's fun.
00:17:05.480 You can see things, funny stuff.
00:17:08.080 Twitter, oh, ruins.
00:17:10.740 It ruins, doesn't it?
00:17:12.340 It's pretty interesting how different apps have almost become where we go to express certain feelings, you know?
00:17:20.280 But yeah, my niece thought imagination was an app.
00:17:23.360 I don't have, I don't think I have that on this phone.
00:17:26.960 You know, using her mother's phone, my sister.
00:17:30.580 Oh, what else?
00:17:32.560 Jerry Lewis died.
00:17:36.640 Rest in peace, Mr. Lewis.
00:17:38.520 If you're not familiar with Jerry Lewis, which a lot of people aren't, a lot of younger people are not familiar with Jerry Lewis, you know?
00:17:45.180 And that's okay.
00:17:46.760 You know, he was older.
00:17:48.060 I mean, the guy was in his 90s.
00:17:49.300 I think he's, I want to say 91 years old.
00:17:51.520 And that's old, man.
00:17:52.580 When you're 91, I mean, you, you know, you probably have a lot of, you'll take your shirt off and I bet there's kind of a dust or something in it.
00:18:00.460 You know, that's part of you.
00:18:03.260 But visible always on you.
00:18:05.980 You know, whatever, like you have no, you see old people with their ears a lot of times just overgrown ears, you know? 1.00
00:18:12.280 Like a family used to live in their ears and then their ears became haunted.
00:18:15.520 And now they're not taking care of the yard anymore because the family moved out, you know?
00:18:22.100 I mean, sometimes you see old people have hair. 1.00
00:18:25.000 I remember this one dude had a hair coming right off his nose, man.
00:18:28.940 And it was probably four inches long.
00:18:32.360 I mean, it was almost like a fish in like a cane pole. 0.99
00:18:35.040 Like it just was trying to catch fish out of his mouth.
00:18:37.340 I mean, this man had the longest nose hair I'd ever seen, you know?
00:18:42.560 And part of me often wonders if at night, you know, after he brushed his teeth, he might pull that fine sucker down and floss his little beautiful, his beautiful little chest pieces in his mouth, you know?
00:18:57.140 Floss those beautiful enamel pawns he's got.
00:18:59.580 But, yeah, when you get older sometimes you don't know what's going on, you know?
00:19:06.940 They had a man in our neighborhood, he had a big hump on his back, you know? 0.54
00:19:12.920 This man named Big Dan, but they called him Moby Dan because of the hump, you know?
00:19:17.320 He was real pale.
00:19:18.800 They kept him out of the sun and then his cousin would walk around usually.
00:19:23.620 And his cousin was probably maybe 20 years younger, but his cousin would kind of put, they didn't have an umbrella, but he'd put like a tarp over.
00:19:29.580 If he had to be outside, you know?
00:19:32.620 And Moby Dan, that's just what the kids kind of joked and called him, but he had this big old hump and it just kept growing.
00:19:40.280 And it got almost higher than his head, dude. 0.92
00:19:43.200 I mean, if a bunch of pirates would have seen him, they probably would have damn thrown harpoons in him. 0.97
00:19:47.080 You know, he's big too, fat, blubbery, Rubenesque, they called it at the time, you know? 0.97
00:19:52.440 Pretty happy man though overall, I remember that.
00:19:54.860 But I know that if it was real bright out and he had to be outdoors or if he was at a picnic, whatever, that his cousin would kind of throw a tarp over him to keep the sun off of him.
00:20:04.640 And I always thought that that was pretty sentimental, you know?
00:20:07.100 When somebody in your family cared enough to cover you up with a tarp or to, you know, hold something over your head so that the sun or the elements didn't get you, you know?
00:20:17.240 I wish people in our neighborhood would have done that with their cars and stuff, a lot of rust.
00:20:20.820 And I grew up really not in the rust belt, in the tetanus belt where you needed a shot if you were planning on getting out and about into the world.
00:20:29.220 You know that.
00:20:30.720 But Jerry Lewis died, man.
00:20:32.760 If you want to go back and watch some of his work, go watch the original Nutty Professor.
00:20:38.380 And you can see at the time, I mean, Jerry Lewis was, they don't have artists like him anymore.
00:20:42.580 They don't really allow you to function at that level of confidence, very rarely.
00:20:48.340 Like you'll see like a Neil Patrick Harris can do that when he's hosting like the Tony Awards or something where he's singing, he's dancing, he's telling jokes.
00:20:56.000 It's one to the next.
00:20:57.200 But Jerry Lewis was like that constantly.
00:20:59.900 And I think directors and programming on television used to allow the actors to move and breathe.
00:21:06.900 That wasn't, every shot wasn't just so, such a close up and, okay, this line and now this line and this line and this line.
00:21:14.160 And the actors had chances to be more whimsical.
00:21:17.620 Even on late night shows, the talent had chances, I feel like, to be more whimsical.
00:21:22.020 And he was as whimsical as they came, Jerry Lewis.
00:21:25.700 I mean, you can watch him almost at any age.
00:21:28.200 And it was extremely impressive.
00:21:31.260 You know, and I just wish that talent these days had that freedom.
00:21:34.140 You know, these days it's almost like the art caters, we got to get the episode moving so that it can get to the commercial break so that, you know, we'll keep the commercials happy.
00:21:44.020 Whereas if you look at older stuff and older pictures, it looked like it was more, just like the whole, whatever the production was, the show, the film, it could breathe a little bit.
00:21:54.740 And maybe that was just Jerry Lewis.
00:21:56.460 Sorry, not Jerry Lee Lewis.
00:21:57.820 Jerry Lewis.
00:21:59.360 Maybe it was just Jerry Lewis who they let him breathe because he had that.
00:22:04.140 They could rely on him that much.
00:22:06.200 He had that much talent.
00:22:08.140 But a very special man.
00:22:09.380 Go check him out.
00:22:11.200 What else happened this weekend, man?
00:22:13.560 I went to the beach.
00:22:15.200 Went to the beach out here in Santa Monica.
00:22:17.940 Took a nap in the sunshine.
00:22:20.240 Have you ever done that?
00:22:22.900 Feels great when you start.
00:22:25.060 Feels insane when you wake up.
00:22:28.140 When you get home, part of your face, part of your body, one, you know, half of your neck, half of your cheek.
00:22:37.640 And I was out there at Santa Monica where I was at the beach by the pier.
00:22:40.540 And I'll tell you this, man.
00:22:43.700 You get out in the water out there.
00:22:44.900 I went out for a swim.
00:22:47.520 Not the best idea.
00:22:49.440 Swimming by the pier.
00:22:50.340 I didn't know that a lot of sewage runoff goes out there, right?
00:22:52.820 First of all.
00:22:54.020 So I kept thinking this water's sandy, right?
00:22:57.020 There was sand in it for sure.
00:22:58.280 Who knows what else was in it, man?
00:22:59.680 And you're out there and that's a vile in ocean.
00:23:02.180 They call it the Pacific.
00:23:03.380 But I'll tell you this.
00:23:04.820 That's a bait and switch on you.
00:23:06.840 Because you get out there in that Pacific and that thing is doing anything but acting pacified.
00:23:12.120 All right, I'll say that.
00:23:13.840 I was right by the pier.
00:23:16.000 And I remember I got pushed out a little.
00:23:18.500 You know, I'm out there kind of surviving.
00:23:19.660 Because I don't swim as much as I kind of survive in the water.
00:23:23.100 That's more how I, you know, operate in the ocean.
00:23:27.140 Not in pools.
00:23:27.980 In pools, I can kind of handle myself.
00:23:30.380 Shallow end, I'm a master of the shallow end.
00:23:31.960 I'm Daniel Day-Lewis.
00:23:34.160 It's in the shallow end, you know?
00:23:36.220 My left foot, my right foot.
00:23:38.280 I will drink your milkshake.
00:23:40.200 You know what I'm saying?
00:23:40.820 I'll do it all in the shallow end. 0.99
00:23:42.800 I'm a fucking, you know, I'm damn, you know, Tanya Harding. 1.00
00:23:51.240 You know, damn Giera Baldy or whoever. 1.00
00:23:55.120 Somebody that can dance. 0.99
00:23:56.700 You know, Jillian Huff.
00:23:58.640 But, you know, I'll handle the shallow end.
00:24:00.700 But when I get in the deep end, that's when things get squirrely for me.
00:24:03.160 And in the ocean.
00:24:04.920 So I'm out there.
00:24:05.760 I'm kind of starting to drift a little bit.
00:24:07.040 It's getting violent.
00:24:07.700 The water's getting violent, you know?
00:24:09.980 And there's a lot of alcoholics out there. 0.81
00:24:12.200 And there's two fellows pissing off the dock.
00:24:15.000 Because that Santa Monica Pier is right there.
00:24:16.640 The one you see in all the movies with the Ferris wheel.
00:24:18.820 And kids are all geeked up and fired up.
00:24:20.800 So I start drifting off into this area where you're not even allowed to swim in for some reason.
00:24:24.860 I don't know why.
00:24:25.820 I mean, I'm guessing because the ocean can push you up against the wooden parts of the pier.
00:24:30.680 You know, the things that are holding you up.
00:24:33.560 They're just like big brown chopsticks.
00:24:35.300 I don't know what they are.
00:24:35.840 They're pieces of wood.
00:24:36.860 You know what they are.
00:24:38.300 You know, quit making me describe them.
00:24:40.840 But, yeah, I got pushed in. 0.64
00:24:41.900 These two dudes are pissing right off of it. 0.94
00:24:43.580 Alcoholics, you know.
00:24:44.300 I'm guessing alcoholics because everybody else is hanging out with their children and tending, you know, to their kids and keeping sun out of each other's eyes.
00:24:51.420 And these men are out there urinating.
00:24:53.760 You know, firing off things that they drank in previously the day before today and dripping that out of their wieners out into the water.
00:25:01.160 And I'm getting spooked because I'm like getting pushed in that general direction, right?
00:25:05.640 And then it gets closer and closer and it's like, you know, sometimes the ocean, you don't realize how powerful it is.
00:25:11.160 So, I literally have to like go underwater and swim under this, you know, this urine that these boys are doing.
00:25:21.800 And that's one of those moments too where you just realize that, you know, that Mother Nature is in control, that life isn't always going to go how you want it, you know.
00:25:32.420 So, that was kind of like if I don't see the solar eclipse to tomorrow, having to hold my breath and swim under water that had other men's urine in it coming straight down. 0.83
00:25:45.080 Just, I mean, just straight down, you know.
00:25:48.600 I mean, it was probably, the water I was hitting was probably at that point 4, 4% urine.
00:25:52.820 But when you know it's coming in hot like that, it's alarming.
00:25:55.860 But anyway, swam under that, that was my eclipse, you know, swimming from regular water and then having to swim pass in front of two adult men doing urine.
00:26:04.720 So, but yeah, the beach was fun, man.
00:26:07.080 You know, I realized I don't mind the beach once I get there, I'm good, you know.
00:26:12.020 Half my face is really red today, part of my back's a little squirreled up.
00:26:15.600 But what I don't like is getting to the beach, parking.
00:26:20.760 I don't like, you know, some guy comes by my window, some Frenchman, he tells me I can have his parking spot. 1.00
00:26:27.900 Then he goes and gets in his car for, I'm not joking, 12 minutes, dude.
00:26:32.060 Sits there, I'm waiting, right.
00:26:33.860 Other cars are passing me, getting other spots, it's an extremely small lot.
00:26:37.820 Right there on Santa Monica.
00:26:40.540 Finally, man, I look over there, dude.
00:26:42.740 I go get a peep at the dude, right.
00:26:44.280 Like, dude's resting, bro.
00:26:46.400 Eyes closed, resting in his car. 1.00
00:26:48.860 The fucking French, man. 1.00
00:26:51.080 The fucking French, you know. 1.00
00:26:52.940 French me once, shame on me. 1.00
00:26:55.900 You won't French me again. 1.00
00:26:57.960 I'm not falling for this French shit. 1.00
00:27:00.720 So, yeah, so that, you know, Jerry Lee Lewis, we got the eclipse, dealt with the French. 1.00
00:27:07.600 Y'all don't like just, you know.
00:27:10.460 I don't like, I don't think that I really so much like dealing with the French. 1.00
00:27:15.620 And then a guy just put a French taste in my mouth, man, and I don't like it. 1.00
00:27:19.140 But what else occurred, man, this weekend?
00:27:22.200 Not much, you know.
00:27:23.900 Trying not to, trying to stuff them cigarettes, you know.
00:27:27.120 And I probably only had, yesterday I think I had three or four cigarettes, probably four.
00:27:30.940 Because, you know, a lot of times we'll say something and it's usually the, that's usually the amount that we don't want to admit to.
00:27:37.600 So, we'll try and cheat it.
00:27:40.120 But I probably had four cigarettes yesterday.
00:27:42.100 But, man, they just make me feel squirreled up.
00:27:44.820 You know, they make me feel like, I don't know, they make me feel like there's, like there's just little mites in my body that don't, that aren't happy.
00:27:57.900 That's what they make me feel, they make me feel like something's in me that's unhappy.
00:28:01.120 And that's the drugs that's in them.
00:28:02.600 They put drugs in cigarettes.
00:28:05.700 Oh, what else?
00:28:08.280 That's kind of it, man.
00:28:09.540 You know, I'm going to Vancouver next weekend, but not for comedy.
00:28:12.540 I got my fantasy football league coming up.
00:28:15.120 I can't, I'm so happy for fantasy football, man.
00:28:17.360 I remember last year when feminism was at a crazy height, you know. 1.00
00:28:21.100 When there were, you know, where men were disappearing across, off the streets.
00:28:24.620 And showing back up months later in wigs and, you know, no, just a dead look in their eyes.
00:28:32.040 You know, women were ripping men off the streets and probably castrating them in basements or doing whatever they were doing, you know. 1.00
00:28:40.040 And football season showed up.
00:28:41.900 And it was like the greatest thing that ever happened just to have a little bit of manhood loose in the world.
00:28:46.760 Like something, it was, it was something that was okay to talk about when you were a man, you know.
00:28:53.240 Just because, I mean, and I understand, you know, you got to have some waves where, you know, you have to have ebbs and flows of things.
00:28:59.240 But I remember it got so, it got so insane that you felt like you couldn't even admit you were a man in the morning.
00:29:06.660 You almost had to be like, hey, you know, happy to be here.
00:29:10.360 I might be a woman.
00:29:11.420 I don't know.
00:29:12.080 We'll see.
00:29:12.600 You know, it's almost like you had to like, you know, pledge like that.
00:29:17.340 You don't know.
00:29:18.140 I might be, might be a woman in a few years considering it just to even walk around.
00:29:23.680 And that's here in Los Angeles I'm talking about.
00:29:25.980 But let's get to some dates, man.
00:29:27.580 I got to some calls.
00:29:30.360 But yeah, I'm going to Vancouver this weekend.
00:29:31.880 I'm excited about getting into Canada.
00:29:33.400 You know, I was just there in Montreal.
00:29:35.120 But I'm excited about getting back.
00:29:37.200 I will be at the Cap City Comedy Club in Austin.
00:29:42.600 And that's September 7th, 8th, and 9th.
00:29:45.280 I will be at Hilarities in Cleveland September 14th through 17th.
00:29:49.980 And then October I'll be out here in Los Angeles.
00:29:52.960 November I'll be in Huntsville.
00:29:54.880 And that is November 16th through the 19th.
00:29:57.980 That's Huntsville, Alabama.
00:30:00.580 So I'm stoked about that.
00:30:01.780 You can check out tickets, everything at theovahn.com slash tour.
00:30:07.080 I have a bunch of new stand-up comedy bits that I'm going to be putting up.
00:30:10.160 And enjoy the eclipse.
00:30:12.100 You know, I will say enjoy it.
00:30:13.360 Even if you go outside to peek on what it is, I think this is one thing that's going to bring people together, even if it's just for a minute.
00:30:19.840 I mean, I think here in L.A. we can only see it for a minute and a half.
00:30:22.900 And we only get about 63% of the sun will be eclipsed.
00:30:27.380 I don't think it's going to be like nighttime.
00:30:29.080 But if it is, dude, pull out some nighttime antics.
00:30:32.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.93
00:30:33.280 Touch somebody's nuts, dude.
00:30:34.760 Live a little bit.
00:30:35.840 Touch your own nuts.
00:30:37.520 You know, what am I saying somebody else's?
00:30:39.160 That could be illegal if you don't know these people.
00:30:41.840 Touch your own nuts, dude.
00:30:43.480 You know what I'm saying? 1.00
00:30:44.180 Sneak your hand in your pants. 0.97
00:30:45.540 Do something squirrely.
00:30:47.440 Break a rule.
00:30:49.380 You can't break a rule anymore.
00:30:50.860 Break a rule.
00:30:51.660 You know what I'm saying? 1.00
00:30:52.120 Scratch your ass a little. 1.00
00:30:54.360 You know? 1.00
00:30:55.100 Call somebody a cocksucker. 1.00
00:30:57.680 You know? 1.00
00:30:58.060 Walk outside with somebody from your company that you don't know.
00:31:01.240 Stare at the sun.
00:31:03.000 You don't need glasses.
00:31:04.020 If your boss lets you out to watch the eclipse and they don't require you to have glasses or give you glasses, we're talking about one of the potential greatest class action lawsuits of all time.
00:31:18.840 Look, we live in a lawsuit universe.
00:31:20.840 I hate to say it.
00:31:21.720 I don't like it.
00:31:22.520 But that's what it is.
00:31:24.120 All right?
00:31:25.120 So get out there. 0.98
00:31:26.400 If your boss says it's okay, get your eyes open.
00:31:29.400 Tape your eyes open.
00:31:30.740 You know what I'm saying?
00:31:31.860 Get that money.
00:31:34.220 Get that eclipse cash.
00:31:35.780 Stacks on stacks on stacks.
00:31:37.880 Solar stacks.
00:31:38.740 Lunar stacks.
00:31:40.920 Stackadacalus, boy.
00:31:42.440 You know I'm a straight up stackasaurus ricks.
00:31:45.640 Get that money.
00:31:48.060 All right.
00:31:48.900 So let's get into some calls.
00:31:50.540 I appreciate all the love and support.
00:31:52.060 You can hit the hotline.
00:31:53.120 985-664-9503.
00:31:57.040 Talk about anything.
00:31:58.040 Something you heard today.
00:31:58.840 The new studio is still coming along.
00:32:02.480 You know.
00:32:03.040 I got my assistant on Monday, my boy Ken.
00:32:06.500 He's a producer too.
00:32:07.700 We do some projects together.
00:32:09.220 Comes over, starts building the studio.
00:32:11.080 Leaves.
00:32:11.980 Leaves his tools, everything.
00:32:13.420 Like, okay.
00:32:15.040 Did you get kidnapped?
00:32:16.220 Did you get kidnapped?
00:32:17.120 You gone?
00:32:17.640 What happened?
00:32:19.140 So, couldn't even really navigate it, but going to try to this week.
00:32:24.480 You know, going to try to finish it up.
00:32:25.740 But we're coming along.
00:32:27.660 The dining room is turned into a studio.
00:32:29.780 So I'm excited.
00:32:30.520 Thank you guys for your support.
00:32:32.920 Listenership's increasing.
00:32:33.820 I'm excited about that.
00:32:34.840 Hit the hotline.
00:32:36.060 Let's talk about some things.
00:32:37.600 Let me know how you feel.
00:32:38.600 You know, do you feel like a war or a natural disaster would help humanity?
00:32:46.520 I know it's extreme.
00:32:47.880 I know it's an extreme thought.
00:32:49.460 But let's think about it.
00:32:51.720 And also, if you hear me talk about something on this podcast and you don't like it.
00:32:56.140 I got a lot of emails last week, right?
00:32:58.740 A lot of emails.
00:32:59.960 It's fine if you don't like it.
00:33:02.100 You know?
00:33:02.880 I probably wouldn't like everything that you shared.
00:33:05.500 But call me and let me know why you don't like it.
00:33:07.300 But I'm okay with learning a new perspective.
00:33:10.000 I'm okay with not being right.
00:33:12.140 You know, I'm not here to be right.
00:33:14.120 You know?
00:33:15.000 But I am here to be able to share how I feel.
00:33:20.020 You know?
00:33:21.200 I am here.
00:33:22.020 I'm here all day.
00:33:23.280 I'm going to be eating feel flakes, baby.
00:33:25.820 I open up a big bag of feel flakes.
00:33:28.480 Because you're going to know how I feel.
00:33:30.720 But I don't have to be right.
00:33:32.440 I'm okay with being wrong.
00:33:34.140 You know, if you want to help me be...
00:33:35.820 If you want to help show me that I'm wrong, I'm perfectly fine with that.
00:33:38.320 Hit the hotline.
00:33:39.120 985-664-9503.
00:33:41.940 Let's get into a call or two here.
00:33:45.200 One of the things we asked was how you felt about if the world were ending.
00:33:48.600 What would your thoughts be?
00:33:49.460 What would you do with your time?
00:33:51.780 What would happen the last day?
00:33:53.880 Let's check in with some of that.
00:33:56.060 Hey, what up, Tio?
00:33:59.900 This is JJ calling from the Northwest area.
00:34:05.440 Okay, we got JJ from the Northwest area.
00:34:09.520 All right.
00:34:10.160 Thank you for calling me.
00:34:10.940 I hope you're okay.
00:34:12.480 You sound a little bit like you're hurt.
00:34:16.780 I hope you're not hurt, you know, my buddy.
00:34:19.020 And I don't know whether the Northwest area sounds super vague.
00:34:22.260 But we're going to keep listening.
00:34:24.100 God bless you.
00:34:24.740 Usain, what would you do if the world was coming to an end, as you know,
00:34:29.920 and you had one day left?
00:34:32.280 Honestly, bro, what I would do is I would just want to be around all my family,
00:34:37.440 you know, going nowhere crazy or doing anything crazy.
00:34:42.440 I think, you know, maybe just have a big barbecue with all your family.
00:34:46.840 No.
00:34:47.460 Ooh, a big barbecue with all your family.
00:34:49.820 That'd be interesting.
00:34:51.420 I appreciate you calling, brother.
00:34:52.900 Yeah, a big barbecue would be interesting.
00:34:55.940 But then you're going to have to invite everybody over for this.
00:34:58.080 Are they all going to, you know, I guess I should have just let, you know,
00:35:03.080 we should have decided on how long in advance you knew the world was ending.
00:35:06.540 But let's say, yeah, you got the end of the world barbecue.
00:35:09.840 Wow, that'd be pretty cool.
00:35:11.980 What kind of music would you play?
00:35:14.220 You know, you'd probably have to drop a little bit of Tupac in there.
00:35:16.960 I'd go with some, probably some, I want to say Kenny Chesney,
00:35:23.180 but I'd even go with some, you need some heartfelt Americana country in there too, I think.
00:35:31.680 I would go with maybe some, not Travis Tritt, who am I thinking of? 0.96
00:35:36.820 Maybe, shit, I might throw some Shania in there, you know, turn that thing up, 1.00
00:35:42.080 get the ladies pumping a little bit. 1.00
00:35:43.620 But, you know, I'd throw a little Cupid Shuffle in there because it's family.
00:35:47.740 So you know you're going to want to have grandma out there hitting that Cupid Shuffle, 1.00
00:35:52.920 you know, that love movement.
00:35:54.720 That's beautiful, man.
00:35:55.660 I love watching an old woman dance, dude. 1.00
00:35:57.620 There's something beautiful about it.
00:35:59.820 Watching a baby and an old woman dance.
00:36:01.840 There's something beautiful about it, isn't there?
00:36:04.880 You know, I remember I used to stay up at night on the internet looking at videos of seniors dancing
00:36:09.580 and people in community college.
00:36:12.500 I used to watch a lot of community college beauty contests on YouTube.
00:36:18.580 And there's some really good ones on there.
00:36:19.760 You'd think it's wild, but there are some good ones.
00:36:22.320 But the videos that would get me the most would be senior citizens dancing with children.
00:36:26.980 There's something special about it, you know, something bringing us all together.
00:36:30.320 But yeah, barbecue, but then you got like, what if the food is bad? 0.79
00:36:33.160 What if you got the shitty potato salad? 0.87
00:36:34.960 You sound like you're taking along a lot of responsibility, you know. 0.96
00:36:38.840 And I'm going to judge a little bit by how you sound here.
00:36:41.600 I don't know if you're stoned, but you sound, you know.
00:36:44.320 So, if you call into the hotline, stand up or sit up when you call and talk, you know.
00:36:51.840 This is a conversation, you know.
00:36:53.320 Just respect it a little bit in that sense, unless you are on a machine or something, brother.
00:36:57.200 And if that's the case, then, you know, God be good to you.
00:37:02.360 And I hope that if you need a lung or something, hit me up.
00:37:04.740 You know, because I think, I don't know, I don't have good lungs.
00:37:08.520 I got a small esophagus. 0.79
00:37:10.920 You know, I got the heart of a lesbian and I got the esophagus of a cat. 0.89
00:37:14.120 That's what they told me when I was young, when I first went to the doctor.
00:37:17.320 He said, you have the, you got the windpipe of one of the large, of a very large cat.
00:37:23.020 The man said there at Oxnard Hospital in New Orleans.
00:37:27.360 Mr. Bob Aaronsman told me that.
00:37:28.800 That I had the windpipe of a large, large cat.
00:37:34.320 But, yeah, I like an idea of barbecue.
00:37:36.260 But then you think, what is that, potato salad?
00:37:38.380 You know, people are going to get scared then towards the end of the barbecue.
00:37:40.680 I think the first two hours are going to be a hit.
00:37:43.340 You know, you're probably going to want to have liquor on hand.
00:37:45.340 People are definitely going to want to drink on the way out.
00:37:48.000 How does it end, though?
00:37:49.400 When you really think about it, think about it.
00:37:52.500 You're at the family barbecue.
00:37:53.900 The world's ending.
00:37:54.720 The sun's going down.
00:37:56.020 It's your last sunset.
00:37:56.940 What happens then?
00:37:59.660 Do people get territorial?
00:38:01.480 People get sad?
00:38:03.180 Is the whole family huddled up?
00:38:05.980 What about that pervy uncle?
00:38:07.340 Is he reaching around the huddle?
00:38:09.800 You know? 0.98
00:38:10.880 Is he trying to, you know, is he trying to touch a young ass cheek of somebody that's a distant cousin? 0.99
00:38:16.140 You know, first cousin is illegal. 0.98
00:38:17.960 Second cousin, not illegal.
00:38:21.440 And you can look it up.
00:38:22.200 You can say that's creepy or whatever.
00:38:23.260 Yes, it's creepy.
00:38:24.580 Right?
00:38:25.000 It's creepy out here.
00:38:25.840 When I got a million days to live.
00:38:27.980 But when you're on that last day.
00:38:30.300 How creepy is it?
00:38:31.380 If you have, I'm not talking fully sexual.
00:38:33.740 But I'm talking if you wanted to kiss, you know, kiss somebody.
00:38:37.420 And just see what the feeling was like one last time.
00:38:40.620 You know, you know around 11 o'clock people will be jumping over into the neighbor's yard.
00:38:44.700 Probably looking for sex.
00:38:45.860 Do you think that? 0.99
00:38:46.480 Or do you think you'd all just sit there and be harmonious?
00:38:51.060 You know?
00:38:51.800 It's really interesting.
00:38:52.900 And you can judge me and say, well, Theo, this is grotesque to think about.
00:38:56.620 That's fine.
00:38:58.400 That's fine if it is a little bit grotesque.
00:39:01.420 But to think about it isn't.
00:39:04.560 You know?
00:39:05.020 To think about it.
00:39:05.760 You're right there.
00:39:07.440 You know?
00:39:07.860 People are, it's the end of the day.
00:39:09.160 It's the party.
00:39:09.960 Some things have gone okay.
00:39:11.100 The potato salad was rancid.
00:39:12.960 Somebody's sick.
00:39:13.620 It's the end of the world.
00:39:14.800 Some of the kids went to bed early. 1.00
00:39:17.080 What the fuck? 1.00
00:39:19.320 You know? 1.00
00:39:19.760 Nine-year-old Lawrence.
00:39:20.900 He fell asleep early.
00:39:22.060 What?
00:39:22.520 He doesn't even care. 1.00
00:39:23.660 Maybe one of your, somebody got too fucked up. 1.00
00:39:26.300 Passed out. 1.00
00:39:27.040 They're missing the end.
00:39:29.180 But you know you're going to have somebody that's deviant in the family.
00:39:32.280 They're going to want to jump across and maybe be swingers or do something.
00:39:35.340 Reach out to the neighbors.
00:39:36.660 I'm just saying.
00:39:37.900 I appreciate your call, man.
00:39:39.200 It's interesting to think about.
00:39:40.220 What it would really be like at the end of the world.
00:39:43.800 You know?
00:39:44.320 What it would really, really, really, really be like.
00:39:49.660 I don't know.
00:39:50.660 Let's take another call.
00:39:51.560 Here we go.
00:39:52.780 Hey, Theo.
00:39:53.340 It's your boy, Tom from rural North Carolina.
00:39:55.460 Just calling for basically if the world were to end today and we knew it.
00:39:59.860 How would I handle that?
00:40:01.520 All right.
00:40:02.080 This is Tom from rural North Carolina.
00:40:03.700 Tom's called before.
00:40:04.820 He's a frequent caller now.
00:40:06.700 And Tom, I like the way that you call, man.
00:40:08.260 And that's one of the reasons, you know.
00:40:10.220 I know I'm a little bit testy tonight, guys. 0.99
00:40:12.500 But, you know, I'm trying not to have a damn cigarette, dude. 0.99
00:40:16.860 You know? 1.00
00:40:18.020 I mean, I, dude, I would suck a tobacco farmer's cack right now. 0.99
00:40:23.420 Just to see, you know, just to maybe catch a drag. 0.99
00:40:28.800 I'm going through that moment.
00:40:31.360 I know it'll only last about 30 seconds, but that's what happens, you know?
00:40:34.980 That's what happens sometimes.
00:40:36.160 And I'm not even a regular.
00:40:38.960 I can't even imagine what this is like for severe smokers.
00:40:42.100 I cannot even imagine.
00:40:43.860 Wow.
00:40:44.840 But if you also, if you smoke and like it, go enjoy a cigarette.
00:40:47.540 I'm not trying to rain on anybody's parade.
00:40:50.440 But thank you for calling, Tom, from rural North Carolina.
00:40:52.760 That's tobacco country.
00:40:53.960 I can smell it through the speakers here.
00:40:59.580 But thank you for calling about the topic.
00:41:01.260 What would you do, Tom?
00:41:02.060 It's the end of the world.
00:41:02.840 It's your last day.
00:41:03.620 Let's hear it.
00:41:04.980 So what I would do is I would do what I do.
00:41:07.360 I would go to work just like any other day.
00:41:10.740 Go home.
00:41:11.700 See my girl.
00:41:12.360 Wait, you go to work, dude?
00:41:17.000 That's a company man, bro.
00:41:18.500 You would go to work, Tom.
00:41:21.340 We're talking about the end of the world.
00:41:22.980 You're going to go spend seven. 1.00
00:41:24.620 You're going to be the only person at FedEx who's bringing their shit in. 0.99
00:41:28.900 Overnight is the best service. 0.99
00:41:30.620 There's no overnight.
00:41:32.780 Nobody's coming in, Tom.
00:41:35.040 Nobody's coming in to get the radio fixed or to, you know, or to, you know, buy some new software or something.
00:41:42.080 I don't even know where you work, you know.
00:41:44.940 Nobody's coming in to, I mean, maybe if you ran like a horse place, somebody would come in to get a couple of horses, you know, because it's the last day of their lives and they've never done horseback riding.
00:41:55.080 Or if you ran like a roller skating thing, you know, people want to probably come and maybe spend a little bit of time in the rink.
00:42:02.000 But, Tom, you're talking about going to work.
00:42:04.540 I don't even know where you work at.
00:42:06.200 It's fascinating that you're a lifeguard. 0.99
00:42:08.660 You're the only fucking dude there. 0.99
00:42:12.080 But you're a company man. 1.00
00:42:14.200 You're an organized man.
00:42:15.560 You stick with the schedule.
00:42:17.940 That's interesting, Tom.
00:42:19.140 I never thought about that.
00:42:21.200 I think most people would call in.
00:42:23.240 They would be the one day they would be able to call their boss and be like, I'm never, I quit.
00:42:28.280 Everybody would quit.
00:42:29.280 That would have to be the first thing you would do in the morning.
00:42:31.540 Wake up, quit, work. 0.52
00:42:34.140 I think by 1 p.m., I think half of the world would be naked.
00:42:38.940 By 1 p.m.
00:42:41.700 I remember an experience I had.
00:42:43.460 I went on this thing called Semester at Sea.
00:42:45.540 And it's like a floating university.
00:42:47.580 And you're going to, it was a gift.
00:42:49.760 Somebody gifted this to me.
00:42:50.880 I would not have been able to have this experience on my own regard.
00:42:57.520 Just financially, it was interesting.
00:42:59.180 But I remember, so you go around the world on this cruise ship, and you're at sea for 100 days.
00:43:05.980 It's a floating university, right?
00:43:08.380 It's a floating university.
00:43:10.460 And you get to the, and the further you get along, I noticed people started losing clothes.
00:43:17.380 You know, by about day 60, you could go to class without a shirt, and the women would wear bikini tops. 1.00
00:43:24.080 And by day 90, I remember being in class in a Speedo.
00:43:29.200 And it was totally okay.
00:43:31.820 It wasn't just like, there were a couple of kids that would do it.
00:43:34.280 And the rest of the boys, if they felt, you know, just comfortable enough, they would have no shirt on.
00:43:39.400 And people had wild hairdos.
00:43:41.140 And you just start to develop, you start to get freer and freer.
00:43:45.980 That's what I noticed.
00:43:48.140 Over time, we got freer and freer.
00:43:50.980 And I think if it's the end of the world, that you're going to have that whole experience kind of, you know, just expedited in a day.
00:43:56.860 Or in the days leading up to it.
00:43:58.460 But I think by 1 p.m., that last day, that most of the world would be probably naked.
00:44:03.740 Just to have that feeling of, what does this feel like?
00:44:06.860 You know, have I been caged up in my clothes?
00:44:08.800 You know, what kind of existence have I been living that I was kind of forced to live into just by the bumper lanes that were put on the society around me?
00:44:19.240 I don't know.
00:44:20.100 Just an interesting thought.
00:44:21.000 But I do remember on that cruise, by the last 10 days, we were in class, you know, just out in some ocean somewhere.
00:44:28.860 And we were in Speedos.
00:44:30.020 And it was totally okay.
00:44:31.600 Everybody was comfortable with it.
00:44:32.900 And it was really interesting just how we got almost, you know, just got back to being comfortable in our skin.
00:44:39.480 All right.
00:44:39.760 Onward.
00:44:40.180 I'm sorry, Tom.
00:44:41.000 Onward with the rest of your call.
00:44:42.240 Now that your day at work is over, what would you do?
00:44:45.520 I would do what makes me happy every day.
00:44:47.700 Lift and weight makes me happy.
00:44:49.300 Being with her makes me happy.
00:44:51.400 Just trying to be as happy as possible with the last moments we have.
00:44:56.260 And I would definitely, as sappy and as sentimental as it sounds, I would definitely just sit there and I'd hold her hand as we die.
00:45:03.900 Wow.
00:45:06.140 Let me think about that.
00:45:07.780 So Tom said he would spend, he would go to work, he would go to the gym.
00:45:12.540 That's pretty dope, actually.
00:45:14.640 That's commitment.
00:45:16.020 I like that.
00:45:16.560 That part I definitely get, you know.
00:45:19.520 Going to the gym, I just get my, I'm going, I am taking my spirit to the end of the line and sticking to my commitments.
00:45:27.120 I like that.
00:45:28.440 And then you'd sit there with your girl and you would hold her hand.
00:45:32.900 Uh, I think that's sweet, man.
00:45:36.200 You know. 0.98
00:45:36.760 I think you would have people like, outside of the deviant uncles and the swingers and the people who, you know, put more of their balls into the sexual court. 0.95
00:45:46.640 I think you'd have a lot of people who are, who are lovers. 0.97
00:45:49.340 You seem like a lover, Tom.
00:45:50.680 Um, who would probably do that too, you know.
00:45:53.740 Who would maybe just sit there with their whole family and hold hands.
00:45:57.060 You know, maybe, um, uh, play a game or just go around in a circle and tell stories, uh, about how you really felt about each other.
00:46:06.680 Because you'd have to get everything off your chest, you know.
00:46:09.940 You'd have to, you know, you'd have to get rid of all the, the pain and the hurt and all the love and the, the affection and the hope and the, you'd have to get it all out.
00:46:20.880 I mean, I bet a lot of people would be calling people like around 11 a.m. that they always were in love with and afraid to tell them.
00:46:28.420 You'd have a lot of crazy stuff.
00:46:29.500 A lot of phone lines would be down.
00:46:31.400 A lot of crazy memes.
00:46:32.800 Young kids, the millennials would all just be doing memes.
00:46:35.400 The youngest though, the young, young millennials, I mean.
00:46:38.340 You know, like 11 years old, they would all just be sending dirt memes to each other and not knowing what to do.
00:46:43.260 Uh, but that's interesting.
00:46:44.600 It's interesting you'd sit there.
00:46:45.760 Because there's something very manly about that, even though you say that that's sappy.
00:46:49.700 There's something manly about, you know, that you're going to be there with, with this lady that you love and not let her go into oblivion alone.
00:46:56.500 Or at least not let her think that she is.
00:46:59.480 You know, and I think there's something, uh, there's something still.
00:47:02.000 Chivalry's not dead, even though the world is, huh?
00:47:04.440 Even though the world would be.
00:47:05.800 This is all hypothetical, guys.
00:47:07.560 And I think we're keeping it pretty lighthearted, so this is good, you know.
00:47:10.660 I think these are neat thoughts.
00:47:12.140 All right, let's move onward.
00:47:13.520 Uh, we got another call.
00:47:14.740 This one came in from Canada.
00:47:18.000 Our neighbors to the north.
00:47:19.800 Uh, hey, Theo.
00:47:21.000 Uh, Jim here.
00:47:22.340 Uh.
00:47:22.920 Hey, Jim.
00:47:24.100 Calling from Canada.
00:47:25.860 Got a more serious issue here. 0.88
00:47:27.840 Um, I think my dog's been sexually abused.
00:47:31.920 Um, what happened was I let someone look after him.
00:47:35.760 And, uh, when I got him back, he was acting funny.
00:47:40.700 He wouldn't, uh, eat his food no more.
00:47:42.700 Okay, uh, so this is, you know, this is an interesting call.
00:47:47.840 This is, um, Jim, and he believes that his dog may have been sexually abused.
00:47:51.540 May have been.
00:47:53.120 Um, this isn't a stunt call.
00:47:55.580 I just want to let you guys know that all these calls are, uh, are real.
00:47:59.520 Uh, onward.
00:48:00.160 He's not eating his food anymore.
00:48:01.800 I can't tell if this is a joke or not.
00:48:03.320 Let's go onward.
00:48:04.160 Didn't want anyone to touch him.
00:48:06.700 And, um, the thing is, the person who's looking after him is, uh, I've known them to be a sexual
00:48:12.040 being in the past.
00:48:13.100 So, what should I do?
00:48:16.000 Should I call the police?
00:48:17.900 Like, where do I go from here?
00:48:19.440 Because, uh, I don't want my dog being, like, emotionally scarred from this.
00:48:25.100 So, what do you recommend I do?
00:48:27.520 Thanks.
00:48:28.380 I don't know if you'd call the police.
00:48:30.480 I don't know.
00:48:32.080 You know, honestly, I don't know.
00:48:33.520 I don't have any suggestions.
00:48:35.760 I've never owned a dog.
00:48:36.760 I got attacked by a bunch of dogs twice.
00:48:39.000 My birthday, growing up, uh, another time, I got attacked by some cats.
00:48:43.580 Um, I got attacked by a lot of animals.
00:48:47.720 So, I never had a dog, you know.
00:48:50.140 I didn't even know you could pet a dog until I was probably about 11 years old.
00:48:53.420 I didn't know that people had them as pets and kept them in their homes.
00:48:57.320 So, what do you do?
00:48:58.140 I mean, I don't know if I would let someone watch my dog if I believe that they have,
00:49:04.000 I mean, how deviant is this person?
00:49:06.540 I mean, if you think they're that deviant, I think you need to think before lending them anything.
00:49:12.940 You know, I don't even think I'd lend that guy a screwdriver, you know. 0.99
00:49:15.440 He'd probably try to hide it in his butt. 0.99
00:49:19.820 So, you know, letting him watch a dog that you love or whatever, that's crazy to me. 0.99
00:49:26.200 And I'm sorry that you, I guess I'm sorry you did that.
00:49:29.720 You know, but I mean, dogs are resilient animals.
00:49:31.600 You know, I'd read about this or call a veterinarian.
00:49:35.560 And, you know, I think I'm the wrong person to call for this, man.
00:49:40.140 You know, but best of luck to you.
00:49:42.240 Okay, let's take another call here.
00:49:47.420 Thank you very much for hitting the hotline.
00:49:48.880 Again, the hotline number is 985-664-9503.
00:49:53.260 Here we go.
00:49:53.960 Hi, Theo.
00:49:56.440 My name is Keanu Rosario.
00:49:58.220 Love the podcast.
00:50:00.640 Just wanted to ask, how do you deal with, like, feeling trapped?
00:50:07.160 Okay, this is Mr. Rosario.
00:50:12.060 And she's asking, how do you feel with, how do you deal with feeling trapped?
00:50:16.460 Like, it could be in anything, in life, work.
00:50:21.340 Just been feeling trapped lately.
00:50:24.060 Just...
00:50:24.740 Okay, she's been feeling trapped lately.
00:50:28.060 I know her call is kind of low.
00:50:29.560 She said, Theo, how do you deal with feeling trapped?
00:50:31.900 You know, about life, work.
00:50:33.320 I wanted to know if you had any advice for that.
00:50:37.440 I wanted to know if I had any advice for that.
00:50:39.380 Thank you for calling, young lady.
00:50:40.840 Our female listenership has been growing, so that's been exciting.
00:50:44.420 And I appreciate the call.
00:50:48.140 Well, I'll just, I'll say this, because you said, how do you deal with feeling trapped?
00:50:52.000 And I want to say that, you know, that's a, it's a feeling.
00:50:56.420 You know, you're feeling trapped.
00:50:58.840 And is that the actuality?
00:51:00.400 You know, because I'm starting to learn in my life that my feelings aren't reality.
00:51:07.580 You know, my feelings, and sometimes even my feelings are, you know, they're, they usually
00:51:13.220 will tell me that I don't feel good.
00:51:15.040 But the reality is that that's not the case.
00:51:18.140 You know, the reality is that things are better than they feel.
00:51:22.620 You know, the reality is that if I suffer from depression, that sometimes my feelings
00:51:26.480 will just feel bad, even if the, even if my life is not that way.
00:51:34.120 So if you're feeling trapped, is that the reality?
00:51:38.600 First, I would just look at that, you know, and this is just a suggestion based on, you
00:51:43.280 know, some of my experiences.
00:51:44.420 You know, I would just look at the reality, you know, because, because your actions are
00:51:51.980 going to be what's real.
00:51:53.160 You know, if you're going to work and you have people around you that care about you
00:51:56.680 and you're taking care of yourself and, you know, all of these things, then those actions
00:52:01.520 sound really good.
00:52:03.880 Those actions sound promising.
00:52:05.240 And those actions sound like you're doing a good job of, of, of living for you or for
00:52:11.300 anyone.
00:52:11.960 But if you're, but if you're feeling trapped, it could just be the feeling.
00:52:16.680 And sometimes what helps get rid of bad feelings is just by noticing the actions that you're
00:52:21.900 taking.
00:52:22.580 You know, it sounds like you're going to work.
00:52:24.500 I don't know what's going on in your life, but, you know, if it's good things, then, then
00:52:29.600 the trappedness could just be a feeling.
00:52:31.320 But with that said, have I felt trapped before?
00:52:35.080 Yeah, I feel trapped sometimes by, um, like when it comes to dating and stuff like that,
00:52:42.900 I feel really trapped when it comes to relationships.
00:52:45.700 Um, and I don't know why, you know, I don't know why really.
00:52:49.080 Um, I'm actually seeing a therapist now.
00:52:51.140 I'll see her today, actually, right after the eclipse, I walk into her office and she,
00:52:57.860 um, is like a sex and love sort of therapist, but basically she just helps you think she's
00:53:02.780 a regular therapist, but she kind of specifies in those sorts of worlds and she can help 0.99
00:53:06.520 you think about, um, why you behave or feel the way you do in certain relationships.
00:53:11.740 So maybe if you're really feeling bad, you know, maybe see a therapist if you think that
00:53:15.720 that could help.
00:53:16.840 Uh, what else?
00:53:18.440 If you're feeling trapped, you know, by life, you could always try changing some things up
00:53:25.260 and you could also always try just like a lot of times I remember for years, I would
00:53:32.000 wake up and think, man, I know what my life's going to be like today and say, I'm, I got
00:53:35.860 to go to work.
00:53:36.480 I got to do this.
00:53:37.400 I got, I mean, then I'll have to come home and then I have to go to the gym or then I
00:53:40.340 got to go get groceries and then I got to remember to, you know, empty the DVR or whatever.
00:53:46.800 And, but before I even walked out of the front door, I'd already lived my entire day in
00:53:50.780 my head and I'd already decided that it was mundane and that it was repetitive and
00:53:56.400 that it wasn't going to be enjoyable.
00:53:58.340 And so then that's how my day went.
00:54:01.360 And all day I just felt trapped in this, in this day that I already knew how it was going
00:54:05.760 to go.
00:54:06.720 And things never changed for me because I didn't allow them room to change.
00:54:11.980 I know that sounds bizarre, but in my mind I didn't.
00:54:15.440 Whereas if I would have got up in the morning and said, Hey, today I get to go to work today.
00:54:20.760 Then I get to come home and I get to go to the gym or I get to hug my, you know, kid
00:54:26.920 or bird or whatever you have, or, you know, you know, or I get to meet the exterminator.
00:54:33.020 He's coming to get the spiders.
00:54:34.540 You know, I get to do these things.
00:54:36.660 I get to live.
00:54:37.920 I get to eat lunch.
00:54:39.880 Um, instead of man, I got to eat lunch again at the same place across the street.
00:54:43.500 No, man, I get to eat lunch today. 0.99
00:54:46.460 Holy shit. 1.00
00:54:48.260 Almost make yourself ignorant in a way. 1.00
00:54:50.760 So that everything can be a surprise in a way.
00:54:53.740 It's just really about possibility.
00:54:56.380 Because then if you walk out of the door and say, wow, I get to go to work.
00:55:00.640 It just feels different.
00:55:02.240 And then I get to go to the gym.
00:55:04.180 Wow.
00:55:04.460 Anything could happen at the gym.
00:55:06.440 Instead of thinking, man, at the gym, I'm going to have to do this weights and this weights
00:55:10.560 and this weights.
00:55:11.120 It's already ruined your workout.
00:55:12.820 It's not exciting.
00:55:14.040 But if you go to the gym and be like, man, I could do anything I want.
00:55:16.500 I get to do whatever. 0.99
00:55:17.540 Even if you're just going to do the same shit you always do at the gym, the way you approach 0.99
00:55:22.720 it, if you leave possibility there, you know, anything could happen at the gym. 0.98
00:55:28.500 You know, I might win a new shirt if there's a raffle or somebody might buy me a milkshake
00:55:33.420 or I might get a milkshake after.
00:55:34.920 Who knows?
00:55:36.500 Anything is possible.
00:55:38.440 You know?
00:55:39.700 I might fall in love. 0.99
00:55:41.140 I might, somebody might jerk me off somewhere behind a machine. 0.98
00:55:44.540 You know? 0.99
00:55:44.920 I might jerk off behind a machine. 0.98
00:55:47.400 I mean, those are crazy ideas. 0.73
00:55:48.960 But if you leave possibility, then you're walking around with possibility.
00:55:53.160 The world suddenly that you've lived in a million days in a row, suddenly it's full of mystery
00:55:58.640 and intrigue and possibility.
00:56:00.080 Um, but those are some thoughts that I have.
00:56:03.000 But if you're really feeling trapped, honey, or I don't mean honey because that's sometimes
00:56:06.940 belittling, even though I don't think it's belittling.
00:56:09.120 I think it just means like sweet girl, you know, sweet young lady.
00:56:13.020 If you're really feeling trapped, um, you know, and it continues to feel, it could be some
00:56:17.320 psychological stuff.
00:56:18.140 I don't know.
00:56:18.900 So you might want to maybe talk to a therapist about it.
00:56:21.060 But if not, um, those are just some things that I do sometimes that help me when I'm not
00:56:26.140 feeling good.
00:56:26.760 You know, and just keep talking to people, you know, just don't, uh, don't feel trapped
00:56:32.140 by yourself, you know?
00:56:34.120 Just don't feel trapped by yourself.
00:56:35.240 And you're not now.
00:56:36.280 Since you told me, now we're trapped.
00:56:39.400 Whoa, we're in an avalanche, you know?
00:56:41.540 What's going to happen in here?
00:56:43.500 You know, who's going to be the first one to fart in the avalanche?
00:56:47.200 You know? 1.00
00:56:48.440 Stupid things, but when you open it up to possibility, even if it's ridiculous, it makes 1.00
00:56:53.880 it better than be like, fuck, dang, we're stuck in an avalanche. 1.00
00:56:56.960 This is going to suck, you know? 1.00
00:56:58.440 We'll probably be dead in 17 days, you know? 0.96
00:57:00.740 One of us will have to eat the other one, you know?
00:57:03.320 Boo.
00:57:05.000 So I think just keep some possibility.
00:57:07.060 Maybe that could help you feel better.
00:57:09.220 But I do hope that you feel better, and I appreciate you calling.
00:57:11.900 I appreciate everybody calling.
00:57:13.080 I appreciate the calls.
00:57:14.140 Continue to hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
00:57:18.520 I have to leave, actually.
00:57:19.600 I've got to go do a set at the Comedy Store, the world-famous Comedy Store.
00:57:23.460 I'll be in Vancouver this weekend coming up.
00:57:26.380 If you know anything fun there to do, let me know.
00:57:29.600 I do a destination fantasy football draft every year, and this year we're going to go to Vancouver,
00:57:34.660 so I'm very excited about that.
00:57:35.920 But you can hit the store, theovon.com slash store, to get both of my albums that are out,
00:57:41.940 to grab a T-shirt.
00:57:43.300 Or also we have these beautiful prints that are right behind me.
00:57:45.840 You can see them on the YouTube.
00:57:49.360 And they say, Keeping My Squad Hydrated.
00:57:52.140 And that's a line from one of the albums.
00:57:56.020 I want to thank Sherb, my editor.
00:57:57.320 I want to thank Ken, the videographer.
00:58:00.580 And that's it, man.
00:58:02.480 That's it.
00:58:03.100 And I want to thank you guys for listening to me this week and for joining me.
00:58:08.000 And if you have ideas, things you want to talk about, you want to hear about,
00:58:11.040 or discussions you want to start, hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
00:58:18.740 And let's talk about things together, man.
00:58:20.740 I want to talk about what you want to talk about.
00:58:22.440 You know, I don't want this to be just about my ideas.
00:58:25.780 I want to know some of yours.
00:58:27.720 And I'm grateful.
00:58:29.700 And, yeah.
00:58:32.700 You guys helped me get through that craving for a cigarette.
00:58:35.500 Wow.
00:58:36.500 Thank you.
00:58:37.340 That really helped, man.
00:58:38.040 I don't feel it anymore.
00:58:39.220 So, I'm going to celebrate living, man.
00:58:42.280 You know, that's what I'm going to do.
00:58:43.700 I'm going to celebrate living.
00:58:45.200 Hope you have a good eclipse, huh?
00:58:56.680 You're going to see it?
00:58:57.460 Will it be cool?
00:58:58.600 What if it's a dud?
00:59:00.600 Ah, I don't think it will be.
00:59:03.020 Dude, it could be.
00:59:03.900 What if it eclipses and then aliens show up?
00:59:07.020 What if aliens show up, dude?
00:59:09.980 And what if, honestly, all they want to do? 1.00
00:59:13.080 Suck people's cacks, bro. 1.00
00:59:16.180 Wow. 1.00
00:59:18.140 Imagine spending, you know, the next couple months playing hide our cocks from aliens. 0.98
00:59:24.380 And women, the women will be pissed because the aliens won't be interested in them. 1.00
00:59:28.900 You know?
00:59:30.560 They'll probably blame it on us, some of them, you know.
00:59:33.000 Some of the ones who write articles, you know.
00:59:36.720 They'll be like, oh, these guys are hogging all the aliens. 0.92
00:59:39.760 We're not hogging them, okay? 1.00
00:59:41.480 They're trying to suck our dicks, lady. 1.00
00:59:43.980 You know, cut us some slack. 1.00
00:59:45.020 Heck, we didn't tell them to come here and do it.
00:59:46.520 They're doing it.
00:59:48.180 You can't be left out just because aliens aren't interested in you right now.
00:59:52.980 You know?
00:59:53.600 Gosh, can't we have anything?
00:59:54.900 Can we have aliens? 0.98
00:59:56.840 Can't poor white people have aliens? 1.00
00:59:58.960 You know? 1.00
00:59:59.320 That would be the coolest if aliens only wanted to blow poor white dudes. 1.00
01:00:04.740 You know? 0.99
01:00:05.580 Because even though people say, oh, dang, bummer.
01:00:08.540 People would feel left out if aliens weren't chasing them.
01:00:11.920 They would.
01:00:12.520 100%.
01:00:13.280 It's just how we're built.
01:00:17.240 Celebrate living, man.
01:00:18.300 Celebrate living, man.
01:00:20.860 I'd be naked by 1 p.m.
01:00:22.480 Probably jumping over the neighbor's fence.
01:00:23.940 But then I'd come back and hold hands and do the powwow, I think.
01:00:29.120 That's what I would do.
01:00:31.540 But be good to yourselves, man.
01:00:33.560 Take care of yourselves.
01:00:36.040 Be good to yourselves, you know.
01:00:37.560 I bet you deserve it.
01:00:38.400 I'll see you guys next week.
01:00:39.760 Thank you.
01:00:40.920 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club,
01:00:44.600 a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events,
01:00:48.260 stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
01:00:52.000 The answer may shock you.
01:00:53.720 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
01:00:55.800 Sometimes I won't.
01:00:57.480 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
01:01:00.420 You have three new voice messages.
01:01:03.440 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
01:01:06.040 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.
01:01:09.020 Longer than anybody else.
01:01:10.680 So great.
01:01:12.020 Aye, sueya.
01:01:13.640 Easy deal. 1.00
01:01:14.980 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. 1.00
01:01:18.920 Jermaine. 1.00
01:01:20.180 Ho-hoi! 1.00
01:01:21.060 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
01:01:24.000 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
01:01:26.060 Ho-ho-ho! 1.00
01:01:27.340 No!
01:01:28.320 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
01:01:30.760 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is,
01:01:33.180 tell everyone about Kite Club.
01:01:34.760 Second rule of Kite Club is,
01:01:36.940 tell everyone about Kite Club.
01:01:39.200 Third rule.
01:01:40.140 Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.
01:01:42.880 Or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
01:01:44.960 And yes, don't worry.
01:01:46.260 My Brad Pitt impression will get better.