8-28-17 ｜ This Past Weekend #39
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 4 minutes
Words per Minute
199.92409
Summary
I remember when I was a kid growing up in Louisiana and the rain would pour down hard and heavy, and the flood waters were rising fast, and I had to find a way to get out of my house. I remember one time when the water was rising fast and the power went out, and there was a bag of marshmallows floating around the room.
Transcript
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This past weekend, let's connect that boom boom, alright, aww yeah, thank you guys, happy
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Monday, happy Monday August 28th, the year 2017, a lot of years huh?
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A lot of years in the books, this one's coming in hot, it's coming in hot boy, and it's coming
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in wet, it's coming in wet, we're celebrating dark days right now, it's what we're trying
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to do, I just want to send some love and some light and some thoughts and prayers out to
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everybody that's affected by Hurricane Harvey, you know, and they make it sound so nice,
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Harvey, you know, what's Harvey gonna do, you know, oh Harvey don't ever do nothing, you
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know, they make it sound like a, like a, you know, a fella in the neighborhood that, you
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know, still lives with his parents, oh Harvey, you know, collecting bottle caps and doing
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that, you know, Harvey opened up his own window washing business and they went out of business,
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you know, freaking Harvey, stealing all the Christmas candies, but then that's not what
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it is, you know, and it shows up and it's more violent a lot of times in its name, and
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my thoughts and feelings and everything go out to those people in Texas that are struggling,
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or if you have family members down there in Houston, you can make a donation, you can text
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Harvey, H-A-R-V-E-Y to 9099, and that'll make a $10 donation, you can also, I believe to the
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Red Cross, you can also look online, J.J. Watt, who is a, I mean a, just a volatile, beautiful,
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you know, capable caveman from the NFL, from the National Football League, has started a
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fundraising program, you can look it up online, you can donate there as well, but I'm happy
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to be here with you guys today, you know, that rain, that rain comes in and it's heavy,
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that rain comes in and it's heavy, and if you're dry today and you're able to drive down your street
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or get out of your home, you know, for you that's probably, you know, you're probably doing better
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than a lot of people, you know, a lot of people down there struggling, and I'm going to find some
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other ways that I can donate, but thank you guys for being here with me today, I remember when I
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was young, I was a heavy sleeper, I was a heavy sleeper, man, I mean, I would dream that I was
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sleeping, and that's, when you're dreaming that you are asleep, you know, that's, that's heavy,
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that's double sleep, you know, you're, you know, you're under two realms of, of, of, of brain peace,
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and so that's where I was at, and I remember one time I fell asleep, and a lot of rains came,
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because I grew up in Louisiana, and a lot of rains would come, and, and one time the baseboards or
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whatever, the thing was rotten at our place, and, and the water came in while I was resting,
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and I remember it getting all on the floor an inch or two, and I'd been resting in my mother's room,
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and she had a package of, I guess, uh, you know, I don't know how to say this appropriately, but
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feminine care sticks, you know, those feminine care sticks that women use, and, um, and that some
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men might even use, I don't even know what's going on these days, but, uh, you know, these feminine
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care sticks, and they were still in the packages, and they had gotten, you know, a box of them had
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gotten caught in the water or whatever, and they were floating all around the room, and they had a
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bunch of, uh, a sack of marshmallows, because I'd, sometimes I'd have me a little bit of marshmallows,
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you know, before I'd go to bed, or, or just, I'd keep a sack by my, by my bed sometimes,
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and they had a sack of marshmallows that had, you know, the water had opened up, and there was just
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all these feminine care sticks and marshmallows kind of floating around the room, and they had, uh,
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they had, uh, the neighbor's cat was over and was kind of kicking these feminine care sticks around
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the water, and, um, and it was, it was wild, because I was so scared, but here this cat was finding so much
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joy, you know, snacking on these marshmallows and, uh, kicking around these feminine care products
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around the, uh, around this little lake that had formed, um, in our home, so, you know, what I'm
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just saying is sometimes you just, even though it's tough, you know, find those bright moments,
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you know, even when the rains, uh, when the water gets deep. I had a friend, I texted a friend in
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Houston to check on him, see how he was doing, and he sent me back a picture of this Cajun Navy,
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and that's people that have these airboats, uh, that are able to get out into neighborhoods and
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help people out, and you see a lot of it. I mean, it's just a, I mean, it's, that's a neighborhood
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Dunkirk right there. That's neighborhood Dunkirk flaring up, you know, when you got a fellow just
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showing up at your doorstep, you know, bringing you pizza or, you know, uh, cold water or phone
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charging, whatever. I mean, and that's, it's beautiful to see, uh, people helping each other out, but he sent me
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a video of in his own neighborhood, you know, of a boat going by. It was pretty, just interesting to
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see, you know, something you normally wouldn't see in a neighborhood. You know, you don't see a lot
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of boats on streets, so that was interesting, man, and I appreciate him sending that in, but my
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thoughts and, uh, and, and prayers and well wishes go out to all those people struggling down there in
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Texas, and, uh, and I'm looking forward to making more donations as those opportunities arise.
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But Harvey, you know, they name it Harvey, and that's what I don't like about some of these storms.
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You know, because if you're a senior citizen, you're sitting there, and you hear, oh, Harvey's coming.
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You know, what's Harvey? He's harmless. You know, Harvey sounds like that boy in the neighborhood that
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never really got it together. You know, that maybe that boy that had a, you know, he had a flick of
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a tism in his brain or something light. You know, he still live with his parents, and he was always,
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you know, doing small businesses, pressure washing, or, you know, painting. People in the neighborhood
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would hire him to paint stuff that didn't need to be painted, just so Harvey could get him a little
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bit of pocket money. You know, or Harvey would always be, you know, that, you know, Harvey never
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got it together. You know, he's still living in his parents' basement in his 30s. You know, and he,
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you don't invite him to the Christmas party because he steals all the Christmas candy.
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And they give it a name like that Harvey that sounds like it could be a miscreant or a
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door-to-door salesman. But then it shows up, and it's violent. And sometimes I wish they would
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start giving these storms names that showed who they were. You know, you know, here comes Manson.
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You know, here comes Ray Lewis. You know, what about that? Here comes Ron Artest is coming out.
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You know, see who we got. You know, this Timothy McVeigh, this storm. You know, give him something
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that at least he's going to put, if you're a senior and you hear Harvey's coming, you might not be as
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aware. You might not hide the cat on top of the cupboard. But if you hear that, you know,
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that Lee Harvey Oswald is showing up, you know, you might be, make some different, different
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adjustments in your home. So it's just alarming, you know, and it's sad. And I'm not trying to make
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light of the scenario that people are dealing with, but I've been through some water times and
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they're really tough, but it's amazing to see if you can, if you can find them and you can find the
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joy to see, you know, what people are doing to help each other out. And when we're far away,
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instead of pointing fingers and thinking about this or that, what we can do is to donate.
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You know, because money helps. Money helps it all. Thank you guys for joining me on this Monday,
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August 28th, 2017. You know, it's crazy to see winter is coming. You know, winter is coming.
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And Mother Nature, you know, she lifting her dress up and she got a cold crotch. And we're about to
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see some of that wrath show up. You know, and people talk about these, you know, the climate change
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and the warming and this and that. And who knows, you know, how much that's affecting us at this point
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exactly in certain areas. You know, I was in Canada in Vancouver this weekend and there were some drunk
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girls who were all fired up about global warming saying, we want beaches, you know, we sick of the
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winners. We want beaches out here. And it's like, well, look, you can't have beaches just so
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everybody else can suffer in the world. But outside of that, I was in Canada this weekend. I had a good
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time. I went up to Vancouver. We had a fantasy football draft, a destination draft. So every
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year, my fantasy football league, one of them, we do a destination draft. We pick a city and we all fly
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in and we meet up and we do our draft. We've done some, you know, we've done Austin, we've done
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Chicago, New York, where else? New Orleans, Los Angeles, San Diego, some other places, Miami.
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And we hit up Vancouver. And Vancouver is the kind of city, it's a small city. I mean, you can almost
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walk everywhere. And you kind of feel like you're just waiting for the city to get going. That's what
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I kind of felt like. You know, it's a small city, very friendly as people. I mean, friendly
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men and women. If he's talking to men or women, it just, there's a nice vibe in there. You don't
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feel like anybody's putting on airs or trying to be too cool for school. You don't feel as
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much pomp and circumstance as you do here, specifically in Los Angeles, you know, where you go to a bar
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to a night event and everybody's trying to be that fancy cat. You know, everybody trying
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to get you to, you know, smell their breath to let you know that they had the best tune
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of that night. You know, they're trying to get you to take a hit off that albacore off
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their tongue. But you don't feel that up in Vancouver. It just felt like a good vibe, friendly
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people, kindness. Everywhere. You know, you stop and ask somebody for directions, they take
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you there. I mean, you know, we asked for directions to this beach and somebody just took
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us there. I mean, it was a couple of miles. It was 15 minutes. You know, but it was captivating
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a little city. You're just kind of waiting for the city to get going. You keep feeling
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like, oh, there should be more of a, an energy or a bustle, but people there are just more
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at peace. You know, and I've always thought Canada was a very peaceful place, but I was,
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you know, like, and New York's kind of gotten that way. New York, it's gotten so, I don't
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want to say gentrified because I don't know if gentrified just means white, but whatever
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the financial version of gentrified would be. It's gotten so greenified, moneyfied that
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in New York, you don't even get mugged anymore. You know, you got to go up to, you know,
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north of Harlem and even get mugged. You know, in New York, it's like you walk around these
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days and it's just everybody's, it's just a bunch of business people, people with money.
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You know, you almost want some, you almost have to ask somebody to, you know, fuck you
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up a little, you know, stab me a little or something, or just, you know, call me a pervert
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and, you know, hit me in the back of the knees with a, with a broomstick. Could just,
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if you want to get that vibe that, you know, that New Yorkie, you know, mug me, you
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know, I want to feel something. I want to feel like I'm in the city and you can't
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get that in New York proper anymore. In Vancouver, you're always, you're just kind
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of waiting for it to pick up, but it's just a peaceful city. There's just peace
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going on. We had a nice time though. We had a great fantasy draft there. We went
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out to this place called Kitts Beach. They have a beach and it's, it's, it's like
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right on the edge of the city and there's people out there just enjoying
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themselves. It almost looks like you're in heaven. I mean, it's extremely
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multicultural and you're out there and everybody's just enjoying themselves.
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Everybody seems to be having a good time. It definitely seems like they, like kind
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of the heaven you would picture in your brain. You know, there's like, there's
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mountains in the background and there's, there's city, there's skyscrapers and, you
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know, even the homeless people seem to be on the uptick. You know, like they were, like
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they can still at least remember the homes they had. You know, they can at least
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still remember maybe a two bedroom, two bath that they used to spend time in. You
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see the homeless people in America there, you know, it's just like they just
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been, you know, boiling soup in their own eye sockets. You know, half of them
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don't, you know, like they've been gargling their own bile. You know, the
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homeless people here, there's tattered. They've been through the ringer.
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They've been through the, you know, they've been caught up in the dark arts for too
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long. They don't even remember how to use a faucet. You know, a lot of them, you
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take them by a sink and they just, you know, they'll urinate or just jerk off
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into it. But you don't see that up in Canada. You see people, even the homeless
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people, they're ready for homes again. You know, they know they're not going to be
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homeless forever. You know, hell, half of them probably just camping. I mean, these
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people love the outdoors and it's summertime. But if you get a chance to go to
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Vancouver, you want a nice getaway for you and your lady. The nightlife was pretty
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chill. It was chill nightlife, which for me these days is good, you know.
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I'm not out there trying to find erroneous, you know, female tits and doing
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cocaine out of people's buttocks and all that. You know, I'm trying to be more
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relaxed and so we had a nice time. But a good fantasy draft, I got a good team.
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One of my buddies lost his mind. And I hadn't seen this in a while. One of my
00:13:10.880
buddies, three guys went and they got themselves a chocolate bar from one of
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these marijuana outlets. You know, in the marijuana these days, when I was young,
00:13:18.880
that marijuana, it was just that brown, that dirt, you know. I mean, hell, this
00:13:24.680
shit, half of it was pine. You know, that was one of the flavors. It was pine.
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You know, I mean, this shit, somebody could have just cut it in their front yard
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earlier that day, the stuff you were buying when I was a kid. And you'd smoke it in
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the dark. You had no clue what it was. Half the time you didn't even get fucked up.
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You just acted fucked up. And that was the, that was that marijuana back then. But now
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these kids, you know, these young buckaroos, they're hitting on this, this, this stuff,
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you know, it's like, it's like lying the witch in the wardrobe. This stuff will take you to
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Narnia. You know, this stuff will have you fall out of the back of your own, out of your
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own brain closet into the, into the next realm. And they had a guy in our league who had
00:14:04.860
never, or who said he had smoked to eat a long time ago. I think he was still trying
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to live a little and catch that vibe. And he ate a little bit of chocolate, dude. He
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started geeking. He started getting lifted. You know, you could, you could almost hear
00:14:17.720
his brainstem just detaching from his spine. This dude was just a human balloon, just
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floating around the room. He had to start marching. He started marching, took his shirt
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off. Dude, fucked up. People like to take their shirts off, huh? Because they got to get
00:14:30.640
out that cage, boy. Let me out this cotton cage. I'm fucked up. This polyester, this polyester
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can't hold me. This dude was lifted and gifted. You know, he was feeling that vibe, dude. He
00:14:46.960
could feel the vultures just start to play in tug of war with his, with his cerebellum. And
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he was getting lifted, dude. And he's not like that kind of guy. You know, he even texted,
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even sent the group text. We're all sitting there in the room. He sends the group
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text, a text saying, I'm having severe adverse reactions from marijuana at this
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moment. And he said he did that just so he would have documentation of it. Like
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this dude's like a research kind of guy. You know, he likes that documentation. But
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man, he had his shirt off. He had us call him the, the place where he bought the
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chocolate bar. He only had one square. And he got bent. He got bent out, boy. He got
00:15:25.180
bent out. He was catching, uh, he was catching, um, he was catching levels. You know, he was
00:15:32.680
on that third or fourth level, dude. He was hitting warp zones. He was fighting Bowser in
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his brain. He started marching around the room in a circle. The room made a full circle
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where he could go into the bedroom and then come out through the bathroom back into the
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living room, in this hotel room. And he, he, he hit that circle. I mean, he was out there
00:15:48.200
like Usain Bolton on them vault on that voltage boy on that plantography, you know, on that
00:15:56.260
garden that was just growing up through his soul, that weed. And that shit was powerful
00:16:00.660
to watch, dude. We had to pray with him. He, we had to do a prayer circle. This dude, we
00:16:05.200
bought him a bunch of orange juice. We had him in the shower. He was marching in the shower.
00:16:09.880
So anyway, we got to dinner late. We got to dinner late that night. Uh, well we did our
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fantasy draft. We had a good time in Vancouver. I would recommend Vancouver. It's
00:16:18.020
not the night, it's not as crazy nightlife as you would think, but some great hiking,
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extremely wonderful people. I met a lot of fans just being out and about had some great
00:16:27.440
seafood. Um, and just a fun, safe place. If you want to get out to a vibe, I mean, I
00:16:32.500
felt like I could have slept on the concrete out front and I would have woke up and somebody
00:16:36.960
would have, um, probably put a, a couple of blankets over me and maybe even put, um, ear
00:16:42.720
eardrums in my ears to make sure that something didn't wake me up. It was that kind of environment
00:16:46.840
where people would just seem like they were helping each other out. But we watched the
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fight, man. I don't know if you watched the fight or not, man. It was good, huh? It was
00:16:57.400
interesting. I mean, right out of the gate, I was thinking, did you see the referee?
00:17:02.740
The referee looked like, first of all, it looked like he was just talking to Connor, but I guess
00:17:07.900
maybe the rules need to be readdressed to him because it's, you know, boxing, straight
00:17:11.820
boxing is in his deal. Uh, but the referee looked like every greyhound bus driver I've
00:17:16.960
ever had. I don't know if you saw that gentleman or not, that beautiful. And he had that booty
00:17:20.800
like a, that, that DS booty, you know, he had that down syndrome booty and a lot of, um,
00:17:26.420
you know, some of you guys know, one of my better friends growing up, dairy had DS and
00:17:31.400
down syndrome, popular disease. And he had it and he, he was, uh, you know, we used to do
00:17:37.460
eat sandwiches and stuff and do a little bit of, you know, light ghost hunting and stuff
00:17:40.680
like that by the Ramada when I was growing up. But, but man, this referee looked like
00:17:46.440
every greyhound bus driver. So out of the gate, I was like, I'm into this thing. You
00:17:51.000
know, this, this fight feels already familiar. Uh, it was exciting, man. It was exciting.
00:17:56.080
The ring girls looking lovely. And at first I felt so nervous. I don't know if anybody else
00:18:02.600
felt that, but for the first, like, I mean the first two rounds, I was so nervous and
00:18:08.740
I, I can't even feel why, you know, when I think back, like, why am I, why do I feel
00:18:13.540
this way? I think I was just nervous because, you know, McGregor was seemed so out of his
00:18:20.960
element, you know, even his stance and everything. It was just, he looked so vulnerable to me,
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you know, and I don't know a ton about boxing. I don't know a ton about fighting. I know that
00:18:29.840
both these guys are masters in their universes, but it made me nervous, man. I was nervous
00:18:35.400
for him, you know, the first two rounds. And then after a while, I just felt like you
00:18:41.740
could see the flaws were just, they were natural flaws in Connors. He didn't have any finishing
00:18:46.140
moves. You know, he didn't have that, that high you can, he didn't have that power. He
00:18:50.440
didn't have that power play. He did, you know, he had just a lot of these straight punches
00:18:54.440
and, you know, I was just like, where's that finishing move? At one point, I'm just
00:18:59.680
like, just, you know, throw a kick, daddy. You know, throw a knee burst. But he didn't
00:19:04.980
have a finishing move and that kind of, I feel like made it a little bit tough. And I wish
00:19:10.480
that, I know he, at the end of the fight, he said, you know, I wish they would have let
00:19:15.060
us go to the mat where one of us fell, one of us hit the dirt. And I think at the time
00:19:19.080
he probably thought that. But this morning, I bet that he was probably glad that it didn't
00:19:22.480
happen that way. You know, that it didn't go down like that, that it ended how it did.
00:19:25.720
I mean, it was really interesting to see. I hope, you know, I want him to fight somebody
00:19:28.540
else next. Andy Dick, you know, who else could he fight? A-Rod, I'd love to see him take on
00:19:34.260
A-Rod. I'd love to probably see him, I'd love to see him honestly beat Chris Paul's ass.
00:19:39.540
You know, if he'd go in against, if he'd go in against Chris Paul, I'd love to see, you
00:19:43.000
know, or Martina Navratilova. You know, some of these people that want to be young gunners
00:19:46.900
and get in there. But we'll see, man. It was, it was exciting. I, I wonder if maybe
00:19:52.280
in, in the original agreement, if he would have asked for an MMA referee, that was something
00:19:57.980
I was thinking, like, would he have rather, like, an MMA referee who maybe, you know, might
00:20:03.120
have at least been able to judge and referee the fight a little bit more, you know, not
00:20:07.660
to his liking, but in a comfortable manner. I think it would have made it a little bit
00:20:11.920
more fair. I mean, it was, it was heavily favored to Floyd whenever you, whenever you look,
00:20:17.560
whenever you were looking at it. Like, even when I, when I, when I first came on, I was
00:20:20.660
like, wow, okay, this is, this is boxing. You know, this isn't MMA at all. I mean, this
00:20:25.040
is boxing. And you really saw somebody step outside of their comfort zone. I mean, it's
00:20:29.140
really inspiring. You know, you saw, they had a lot of videos and stuff of these guys
00:20:32.940
doing the after party and really having a good time, man. But yeah, I mean, I was, look,
00:20:38.200
I was, I was nervous. It was exciting to watch, you know, but it was inspiring. I was like,
00:20:44.500
man, I want to work out hard. You know, I want to do something. I want to step outside
00:20:47.720
of my comfort zone. You know, I want to be a baker. You know what I'm saying? I'm
00:20:52.700
going to challenge, you know, I want to challenge a motherfucker on some donut level. You know,
00:20:58.260
I mean, we want to step outside of my comfort zone. You know, I want to wake up and, you
00:21:02.840
know, in, in, in, in four months, I want to go, you know, toe to toe with an archeologist.
00:21:07.580
You know, bitch, where are these bones? I'm out here. Are you digging? I'm digging.
00:21:12.700
You could shovel. I could shovel. It made me want to kind of change up and feel inspired.
00:21:18.360
And then this morning, I just, you know, pretty much that a little bit of that left
00:21:22.960
me because, you know, inspiration, man, that stuff you have to be reminded, man, I wish
00:21:26.800
you could have inspiration, like an IV, a drip bag of inspiration. That's what I need
00:21:30.960
a lot of times because I will feel inspired and then it will go away. It will go away.
00:21:37.340
But good to be here with you guys. I hope you guys had a happy weekend. I was in Vancouver.
00:21:41.500
I flew back this morning, had a couple of sets tonight at the comedy store and at the
00:21:44.980
Hollywood Improv. And I'm so happy to be here on this past weekend. I have an announcement
00:21:50.160
to make too. A couple of them. One, we got a new set. We got a new set. It's coming along.
00:21:57.400
You can go to YouTube whenever the podcast comes out on YouTube, which is Monday evening
00:22:01.800
or Tuesday morning, and you can check it out. You can let me know what you think. Also this
00:22:06.320
week, we're going to launch our Patreon account. That's P-A-T-R-E-O-N slash Theovon,
00:22:11.780
T-H-E-O-V-O-N. And it's just to support the podcast directly. You know, we've had some
00:22:17.620
advertisers come on and people have reached out and said, look, man, I just would love
00:22:20.080
to support the podcast directly. And personally, I want to continue improving the show. You
00:22:25.940
know, I love doing this show. I'm so grateful for this experience. I want you guys to know
00:22:29.740
that. You know, I was nervous when I started out, you know, and I'm still nervous. You
00:22:34.600
know, I'm nervous a little bit every time I get on here and start, you know, sharing
00:22:38.000
and I don't know what I'm doing sometimes if I'm sharing too much or not sharing enough.
00:22:43.260
But I do feel like, you know, like together that we're doing something good. We're on to
00:22:47.780
something good. And I want to take it to the top, you know, and I want to include some
00:22:52.240
options online where people can, you know, become more involved and that where we can work
00:22:57.760
more together. And so that's what the Patreon will be. And we hope to have that launched
00:23:01.900
on Wednesday. So you guys can check that out. If you so choose no pressure, no matter what
00:23:07.400
you will always have this past weekend on your Monday mornings. All right. And I want to let
00:23:12.980
you guys know some dates. We have September 6th through 9th. That's next weekend. I'll
00:23:18.120
be at Cap City in Austin. If you have friends or family in Austin, tell them to come on out
00:23:23.040
September 14th through 17th. I'll be at Hilarities in Cleveland and the November 17th through
00:23:28.900
19th. I'll be at Stand Up Live in Huntsville, Alabama. I'm excited about all those things.
00:23:35.940
Feeling pretty excited, man. You know, I felt a little bit nervous tonight before I started.
00:23:39.880
Sometimes I guess I get a little nervous. You know, I get a little bit nervous of what
00:23:44.040
the, you know, what the vibe is and what you guys want to hear, what I want to talk about.
00:23:49.420
And I just appreciate you guys being supportive and sticking with me. We got a lot of great calls
00:23:54.580
that came in and I want to just get right into them, man. Some of them are really, really
00:23:58.460
interesting. So let's crack in to the hotline calls right now. The number is 985-664-9503.
00:24:09.040
If you're down in Texas and you had an experience from the rain, you know, where you saw something
00:24:13.560
go on that you thought was pretty remarkable, you know, I'd love to hear a little bit about
00:24:17.120
that. You know, that's one of the things you can hit the hotline with. As well, if you're
00:24:21.560
just going through something and you want to share it, you can hit the hotline with
00:24:24.100
that. Anything that if I've been through it as well, I'm happy to share. You know, I
00:24:28.160
don't have advice, but I do have suggestions and I do have my own experiences so that we
00:24:33.880
don't have to feel alone. All right, let's check in with this first call right here.
00:24:38.400
Hey, what's up, Theo? This is Tim from Tennessee.
00:24:42.060
All right, Tim from Tennessee. I can hear that. I can hear that jingle in your jungle, man.
00:24:47.780
And your neck instrument, you know, that V-Box, baby. I can hear you spouting off that sweet
00:24:54.280
Southern, you know, you got that molasses in you, in your sound canal. Let's hear more.
00:25:01.320
I'm calling about an issue I have. So I have this cousin who's trying to be a rapper, a Christian
00:25:10.580
Woo! He's got a cousin trying to be a Christian rapper, man. That's wild, baby.
00:25:18.380
You know, it's whatever. I don't really like Christian rap. It's all pretty much
00:25:22.540
terrible, but if that's what, you know, people get a hold of that and it helps them, you know,
00:25:26.640
go for it. But, um, the problem is that he's, he's terrible, you know.
00:25:33.140
Wow. The problem is, is that he's terrible, man. He dropping hymns and spinning rims, baby.
00:25:40.320
You know what I'm saying? He's caught up in that CR, son, that Christian rap, having babies
00:25:45.320
with virgin ladies, part and seas and negro, please. Y'all turning up out there in that
00:25:54.140
Bible belt. He's dropping it off, huh? And you think he's terrible. Well, look, I feel
00:26:00.020
you, man. I have friends that have thought that I think are terrible at stuff that do
00:26:04.520
things, you know? And, and I'm going to stop you right there, but I'm guessing that you're
00:26:08.980
just wondering how to handle it. And here's what I say. What do you lose by him giving it a
00:26:14.880
shot? You know, he's going to go as far as he's going to go with it. You know, he could
00:26:19.460
be great. There were times for years when I was not good at comedy. And if somebody would
00:26:25.300
have really said that to me, I may not have kept going. And I'm not saying that I'm great
00:26:29.980
today, but I'm saying today that I can do my job and that I, and I can, I can say that
00:26:34.540
I do my job well, but you know, you just can't take away his hope. So I think if you can
00:26:40.520
offer, you know, if you have constructive suggestions, fire them at them. Cause dude,
00:26:44.680
I mean, this guy's getting into a crazy game. I mean, I know there are some Christian
00:26:48.380
rappers that are, that are popular. Um, I think most of them are black. So it'd probably
00:26:52.720
be good to see some, you know, some diversity in the market could be good. Uh, I'd love it
00:26:57.260
if actually you could, um, hit the hotline and, and, uh, and drop one of his tracks and
00:27:01.800
maybe we could even start one of the podcasts off with it next week. So if you have the ability
00:27:06.260
to do that, or you can email it to me at Theo Vaughn, T H E O V O N at Mac M A C.com. But
00:27:13.280
I appreciate you calling and saying this, you know, and you got to think that Jesus balled
00:27:17.500
out, you know, I mean, he was a rapper in a way. If you want to think, whether you think
00:27:22.280
about him as a, the savior, you think about him just as a human being. I mean, that dude
00:27:26.700
was, you know, spitting in the desert. Jesus was dropping lyrics in the desert. It's hard
00:27:32.380
to even keep moisture in your mouth in the desert. So at the very least, boy,
00:27:37.280
he was a, a him and him. If you feel me, it's hard to even keep your tongue wet in
00:27:42.900
the desert. And he was roaming around dropping tracks, dude, you know? So, I mean,
00:27:48.920
there's some respect there, you know, I mean, that's real stuff. So I just support
00:27:54.020
his ability to try something different, try not to be too hard on him, buy him some gold
00:27:57.600
teeth, you know, maybe, maybe make it something that you enjoy, you know, buy him some gold
00:28:03.080
teeth, like, uh, you know, five gold teeth and spell out, you know, H-Y-M-N-S and put
00:28:10.760
them, put that hymns in his grin, you know, or get him a gold necklace with three nails
00:28:15.840
on it. You know, it's hard sometimes with family, you know, to support him because for
00:28:20.840
some reason, family, when they do some shit, it will drive you way more crazy than friends
00:28:25.960
do. You know, I mean, my first, my sister, uh, used to, she did one of those things on
00:28:31.380
Facebook one time where it's like, I'm going to say something I'm thankful for, for the
00:28:33.960
next 700 days. And man, I wanted to speak up. I wanted to say, I feel like that's crazy,
00:28:40.180
but it doesn't matter what I feel, you know? So I'd find a way to embrace it, you know, maybe
00:28:46.780
get a tattoo on your back of him fucking dropping mad tracks, you know? The lamb, boy, the lamb
00:28:55.480
of Jeezy, boy, you know, he's spitting straight fire wool, you know? So see what you can do
00:29:04.380
there, man, to support him. Just don't take away his hope. I think you can offer him some
00:29:07.240
suggestions if you feel like it or ask him if you want suggestions, but don't fire him
00:29:12.320
off and take away his hope. Maybe see if you could be a background singer. That shit would
00:29:16.160
be hilarious because then you're embracing it. You're part of it. So I'd find a way to embrace
00:29:21.320
it. If my brother came to me and said he wanted to be a Christian rapper, dude, I would gain
00:29:27.560
about 150 pounds and put on a core, a dress that them thick, them thick girls, them girls
00:29:34.820
that got them, you know, them, you know, they got them, them bassists, you know, they got
00:29:42.740
that deep throat, you know, where they can gargle them. They can gargle different sounds
00:29:48.260
down there, you know? And I would put on a big robe and I would support my brother.
00:29:52.300
I'd be hitting them back round. Jesus, we out in this desert. Dang, dang, dang, dang,
00:30:05.620
dang. Three days, three days later, I'm back, back, back, back. Easter, Easter. Play that
00:30:10.940
backup, baby. You can help him out. Good luck with it. Thanks for calling. Onward, next caller.
00:30:15.720
Hey, what's up, Theo? This is Josh. I'm out here in Charlotte, North Cackalack.
00:30:23.100
Josh in Charlotte, North Cackalacka. That's North Carolina for those of you guys who don't
00:30:26.960
know. Josh, thank you for calling. I'd like to see you come down to the comedy zone here
00:30:31.020
in Charlotte. That'd be cool to see you, man. I've been there before to Charlotte and the
00:30:34.560
only time I was there, I was there for at the comedy zone. I had a good time. I'll be back
00:30:38.620
next year. I don't know the dates, but I saw Cam Newton. I was there for 40 minutes.
00:30:43.580
I'd been in town. I'm sitting on the outdoor patio of a McCormick and Schmicks having me
00:30:49.320
a little salad. Cam Newton went by with a baby carriage, pushing his son. He had a newborn
00:30:55.480
or had been a few months old and he's pushing the son in a baby carriage. At first, I thought
00:31:00.700
it was a homeless guy because you don't see a lot of adult men at all just pushing a baby
00:31:08.840
carriage by themselves down the street. You also don't see a lot of adult black men. At
00:31:12.580
least, I'm not used to seeing that, pushing a baby carriage down the street. He had on
00:31:16.340
this kind of a Gucci hat and a scarf. I'm like, dang, this dude might be homeless. But
00:31:23.380
then he got close and I was like, holy shit, this dude is Cam Newton. You never know, man.
00:31:28.360
You never know when a homeless person might be Cam Newton. You never know when you might
00:31:34.320
Uh, just want to get some advice from you if you could help me with something. I started
00:31:39.320
dating this girl and she's a bit of a squirter.
00:31:43.360
Oh, okay. So you hitting them, you hitting them waterworks, baby. You passing, uh, you
00:31:49.500
passing, I don't know if it's Baltic Avenue or Marvin Gardens and you hitting them waterworks
00:31:53.440
with the ladies. Okay. Um, you know, this is kind of an edgy topic, but, uh, we're going
00:31:58.940
to try to field it here. Uh, thank you for calling Onward.
00:32:02.000
I always thought that that was cool at first, you know, especially when I see it like in some
00:32:06.000
pornography or something, but. Yeah. Them sprayers, you know, them gunners, you know,
00:32:12.180
remind you of going to the fair when you play that game and you're trying to shoot that thing
00:32:15.320
and get that animal from that old man. And that dude usually probably look like you have
00:32:19.880
some kind of a skin cancer or lung cancer, but Onward, I know what you're talking about.
00:32:24.040
Man, after a while, it's just getting, I don't know, man, I have to change the sheets all
00:32:28.620
the time. I'm going to the store to get detergent. These people are probably like, this dude's
00:32:34.280
got a lot of clothes or something, you know? Yeah. With detergent and also buying detergent,
00:32:38.900
detergent, a lot of people think you might be cooking it down and doing some kind of new
00:32:41.780
dope. And that's one of the issues I run. Cause I, you know, I've at times in the past,
00:32:46.940
I had me a little bit of an Afrin habit. You know, I get that Afrin and I use the suggested
00:32:52.180
dose. Now I'm not riding outside of my suggested dose circles, but man, sometime coming around 11
00:32:59.000
o'clock, dude, you know, my hands start fiending for a hit off that Afrin for a hit to, you
00:33:04.900
know, get my nasal passages sedated. But yeah, I can feel you, man. So you're dealing with
00:33:09.940
a lot of extra laundry, a lot of extra laundry. Cause you got old faithful in the bedroom
00:33:15.500
But I don't know if you'd give me some advice on that, man. It's just like, it's just a
00:33:21.040
mess, man. And I really liked the girl too, but, uh, all right, man. Have a good one.
00:33:25.940
You know, it's interesting, man, because I met a girl years ago who had, she'd moved
00:33:33.100
to town. She dated one of the Jonas brothers. I don't know which one. There's three of them.
00:33:36.520
I think they all damn look the same. Beautiful young men. From what I remember, I never looked
00:33:39.980
at them very closely, but this gal, uh, you know, she was, she was really, you know, she
00:33:47.060
had that extra plumbing and some girls, they just got that wild piping where they'd be spraying
00:33:51.520
out a little. And yeah, at first you're like, oh, this is a party, you know, daddy's here,
00:33:56.980
you know, I'll do it. I'll wash dishes down between this gal's legs, you know, but then
00:34:01.700
after a while it's, uh, that ain't no joke. You know, that's a, it's a liability, you know,
00:34:08.880
unless they're, you know, putting extra use to some of that activity, like they're watering
00:34:13.140
plants or, you know, refill on the fishbowl. It can be a bit overwhelming at times, you know,
00:34:20.020
so I don't know what you do cause you don't want to make her feel bad because this is a
00:34:22.700
natural thing. And look, we all have things naturally about us that our loved one or our
00:34:28.540
spouse doesn't like, you know, it could be that you clear your throat or you pick your
00:34:33.180
nose while you drive or that you have a lot of body gas. And sometimes if I don't sleep
00:34:38.200
well, I'll get a little extra body gas. So, you know, I know that I can be, you know,
00:34:42.740
I have things about myself, but maybe find some other ways you guys can be sensual without
00:34:48.380
hitting that gasm, you know, without, uh, you know, Hurricane Harvey stopping by y'all's
00:34:55.900
bedroom every night because that can be wild, you know, so maybe talk to her about it, see
00:35:02.080
how she feels because yeah, otherwise you got to keep a stack of towels there in the bedroom
00:35:06.340
and you got to really sound off. Otherwise, other than that, I'd say make it fun, you know,
00:35:12.680
put a couple of barrels. They used to have this thing, little buckets. They used to have
00:35:15.980
this show called the Bozo Show or something, where if you got a thing in a, you threw these
00:35:20.240
balls, if you got it in a bucket, you got you a Subway sandwich and they'd have children
00:35:24.500
on there. And this might've just been locally, but they had this guy, Bozo the Clown or somebody,
00:35:29.060
the grand prize game. You throw these ping pong balls at these buckets. If you got it out
00:35:32.580
to the five bucket, then you got you maybe a Subway sandwich for your whole classroom of
00:35:37.160
children. So maybe do that. Maybe make something fun or cute about it. You know, or just make
00:35:42.620
two nights a week where y'all do sex and that's the activity night, you know, and this, you
00:35:46.880
know, show up prepared, put floaties on, you know, be a baller. You know what I'm saying,
00:35:52.880
dude? Get that Michael Phelps neck piece, do something, you know, but I think instead of,
00:35:58.260
you know, if you want to keep her and you do care about her, then you're going to have
00:36:00.700
to find a way to make it comfortable for you and then not talk to her about it in a way
00:36:06.540
that makes it uncomfortable for her. Man, that's a tough one. That is a tough one,
00:36:11.160
man. And if somebody, somebody out there has good advice for this gentleman, you know,
00:36:15.440
about his, uh, about his, uh, damp damsel, if we will, then hit the hotline and let them
00:36:21.580
know. And I'll try to do a follow-up episode this week where, um, where other people can
00:36:25.860
give you, uh, some return advice about that damp damsel and how to handle that. But yeah,
00:36:30.240
that it's interesting because the things you see in pornography, man, you get those things
00:36:34.220
in real life, dude, that's not, it's not the same thing. You know, if like you got a girl
00:36:39.400
out there, they had this one thing, uh, you know, years ago, some girl was eating, uh,
00:36:43.540
she could eat donut holes with, uh, with her hoo-ha. And yeah, that's great. You know,
00:36:49.020
that's cool on a, you know, on a brunch, maybe a Sunday brunch, you know, you partying with
00:36:53.540
your new girlfriend, you know, and you having you a little bit of fruit or some, you know,
00:36:57.820
a yogurt and she's doing, she hiding donuts, you know, she calorieing up, but do come, you
00:37:05.380
know, a couple months of that, you having to run to the store all the time and get
00:37:08.180
donuts and shit. That shit's crazy. And what if her hoo-ha starts to upscale and that
00:37:13.120
thing wants a butterfinger or a payday, you know, or a hundred grand or a thousand grand
00:37:17.680
that thing starts hiding whatchamacallit and almond joys in its cheeks. Dude, then you're
00:37:22.480
talking, I mean, then you're talking the dark arts. So the things you see in pornography,
00:37:27.180
sometimes they can escalate when you get them in real life, but I would approach it in a
00:37:30.420
way, if you do talk about it with her in a way that's comfortable for her, you know,
00:37:33.920
because you just don't want to make her feel bad because once she starts feeling bad
00:37:36.040
about her body, that's going to be uncomfortable for everybody, man, you know, but good luck,
00:37:40.980
man. I appreciate you calling in about it, brother. You partying out there, dude, wherever
00:37:45.820
you are, North Cackalacka, they partying. All right, next caller, onward.
00:37:51.480
What's up, buddy? This is Nathan from Kansas City.
00:37:54.880
This is Nathan from Kansas City. I just picked your defense in my fantasy football league.
00:38:02.240
I just had a quick question for you, man. I grew up with two real good friends of mine
00:38:08.580
and we're kind of slowly drifting apart and I believe that they're actually pretty upset
00:38:15.660
with me. Now, I'm not sure what it is that they're upset about, but I would like to sit
00:38:23.900
Okay, so you grew up with two good friends and they're really upset at you, but you're not
00:38:29.560
sure what they're upset about and you'd like to sit down man to man and talk it out. That's
00:38:36.900
And they don't answer the phone. They don't respond to text messages. So I'm kind of at
00:38:43.580
a loss of what to do and I'm hoping maybe you could help me out with some advice on this
00:38:52.220
All right. Thanks for calling, man. Love the show, man. I appreciate you enjoying it. I
00:38:56.560
love you, brother. You know, I want you to feel good about this, dude, but it sounds like
00:39:00.280
you know they're upset they're calling you. You know they're upset, but you don't know
00:39:06.080
about what. You know, and I don't want to, I don't want to say I don't believe you, man,
00:39:10.800
but you got to have some inkling. You know, if you know they're upset, you know, but you're
00:39:18.580
not sure about what, you probably got to have some inkling, you know, and if they don't want
00:39:23.020
to respond to you right now, then, you know, obviously if it's two of them, you know, they
00:39:28.400
must be really upset about it. So, I mean, I think there's two things here. One, I would
00:39:33.820
just give them some space. You know, maybe they're moving along. Maybe you guys don't even
00:39:37.520
need each other. Maybe, you know, maybe this friendship has run its course. Or two, it
00:39:43.020
sounds like there's a little more to the story. I would own up to whatever happened and go
00:39:48.060
see them face to face and own up 100%. And I wouldn't own up with a but, you know, look,
00:39:53.320
man, you know, this happened, but I felt this way. I'd leave the but off of it. I would show
00:39:59.340
up, own up to whatever you did personally, and don't ask for like, you know, if you want
00:40:04.260
continued friendship, then say, look, buh, you know, I want to still be friends. I want
00:40:08.500
to still be buddies. You know, I want to still split Kit Kats together. You know, I want to
00:40:13.600
still, you know, sit around and hide dipping our mouths together and do friendship. You
00:40:21.760
know, I want to still sit in a room and have your body heat be in the distance. If you still
00:40:27.820
want those things, then let them know that. But you're also going to have to probably, if
00:40:32.240
there was something you did, you're going to have to, you're going to have to apologize to it. I'd
00:40:35.720
do it man to man. I wouldn't hit the phone lines. I would do it man to man and I wouldn't say any
00:40:39.920
buts. I would just apologize and let them know, look, I'd still like to be friends. You know, adult
00:40:45.320
friendship, dude, this shit's tricky out here because adults, they get busy. Sometimes their wives don't
00:40:51.400
want them hanging out with other adults. You know, people start getting jealousy happens. You know, you
00:40:57.920
get a new house but your buddy don't have a house yet and he's still out there in an apartment.
00:41:03.180
Jealousy happens, you know. Your buddy loses his leg and you still got two legs and next thing you
00:41:08.580
know, he don't want to talk to you because you, because he thinks you're showing off by having
00:41:13.580
two legs. That's crazy, you know. But adulthood friendship is hard. That's one thing that was
00:41:20.580
fascinating about, about young friendship. To be friends when you were young, all it was,
00:41:24.920
was proximity usually. It's like your best friends, still to this day even, were just usually
00:41:31.060
people that lived near you. That was it. You know, it's not like there was this big friend search
00:41:37.420
where you interviewed thousands of other children when you were a child. It was just, who's nearby?
00:41:42.900
Oh, they are? Boom, boom, friendship. It's, you know, it's like a lot of it's just proximity-based.
00:41:50.180
So, you know, if you value their friendship, then I would make it a man-to-man apology. I
00:41:54.520
wouldn't try it on the phone. I appreciate you for, I appreciate you calling up. Let's
00:41:58.920
hit another call here. We're cruising through some calls, man. And I appreciate you guys
00:42:02.540
calling and hitting the hotline, 985-664-9503. I'm feeling good. I'm trying to get through
00:42:10.260
this. It's 1245 a.m. here on the Pacific Coast time. I got a cool week coming up. We have David
00:42:17.900
Alan Greer coming in on our podcast for Allegedly. Spencer Pratt as well. That episode will be
00:42:24.860
airing this week, I believe, on Allegedly. That's my Hollywood podcast. You can check
00:42:29.140
it out with my wonderful co-host, Matthew Cole Weiss. And we have, who else is coming
00:42:37.240
in? It's rumored, it's rumored that Chris Hansen is supposed to be coming on. So that
00:42:42.960
could be really, really exciting. All right, let's take another call. Here we go.
00:42:47.900
All right, let's take another call. Here we go.
00:42:52.940
Hey, Theo. This is Cody calling from Boulder, Colorado again.
00:42:56.340
This is Cody from Boulder, Colorado. You're up there in the country, up there where they,
00:43:00.500
everybody's eating drugs and stuff up there in the mountains. Thank you for calling.
00:43:04.220
First off, I want to thank you for taking my last call about texting and phone culture.
00:43:08.560
I really enjoyed your poo and the meat Taco Bell story.
00:43:12.060
Yeah, it's a true story. And everybody uses the, that there was feces in the meat in their Taco
00:43:17.020
Bell and their town. But this really happened in my hometown when I was growing up. It really,
00:43:22.740
really happened. And it was alarming. But we made it through it as a community. And it's
00:43:27.320
amazing sometimes what community can overcome together. Let's hear more.
00:43:31.100
And when you said, I don't know if we can go back, related to texting, that really kind
00:43:37.420
of made me think about some shit. The reason I'm calling this time is about love. I feel
00:43:42.480
like you don't really talk about that other than like guys trying to blow you. That's
00:43:47.140
really the only thing we've heard. Specifically, I want to talk about monogamy and polygamy.
00:43:52.200
From where I'm at in Boulder, I know in like San Francisco, polygamy is real big.
00:43:57.920
Okay. So from Boulder, he's saying that I don't, he wants to talk about love. He's asking
00:44:04.300
me, you know, I don't talk about love that much except for if fellas is trying to blow
00:44:07.960
me or run my pole. You know, if they're trying to run my pole with the inside of their face.
00:44:12.740
And that is probably in reference to when Andy Dick tried to blow me a few times over there
00:44:16.960
in Shreveport, Louisiana. But onward, I'll hear the rest of this.
00:44:21.980
From where I'm at in Boulder, I know in like San Francisco, polygamy is real big. Personally,
00:44:27.320
I'm just not sure that I can marry the same person for 40 plus years or whatever. So yeah,
00:44:33.140
just curious your thoughts on that. Thanks again for doing what you do, man. You're a freaking
00:44:38.220
I appreciate your call, man. I appreciate your previous call and I appreciate this one. I
00:44:41.280
really do. I appreciate everybody that takes time to call in and help because this show
00:44:45.420
goes. It goes because you guys call. You know, my brain, I'm short. I've always had
00:44:50.600
a short, you know, kind of a short brain. You know, I remember they did a CAT scan of
00:44:54.720
me and the man said, you got a short brain. I was like, what the fuck does that mean?
00:44:58.940
You know, and I got angry with him even though I was just wearing just that one piece in the
00:45:01.920
hospital where the back is open where anybody could fuck you, you know, which is really,
00:45:06.020
I think, very scary to put on somebody when they're already alarmed and they're in a
00:45:09.960
hospital. I mean, I say put them in a full damn ski outfit, but you know, they want
00:45:15.240
to put you in that thing to scare you even more. And the man said, you got a short brain.
00:45:19.000
He goes, the, the, the, the, the width of your brain from the bottom to the top is not
00:45:24.220
very tall. He's, you got a short brain, but that doesn't surprise me. You know, I've always
00:45:29.160
had, you know, a lot of medical deficiencies or abnormalities. You know, my, my father told
00:45:34.040
me when I was, when I was young that I had the heart of a lesbian, you know, and the man
00:45:38.720
told me, one of the doctors told me when I was a child that, um, that I had the ribcage
00:45:44.460
of large, large cat. Probably I'm thinking, um, mountain, some sort of a mountain cat,
00:45:50.060
probably something you would see up in Boulder maybe. But anyhow, we're talking monogamy
00:45:54.440
and polygamy or monogamy. And can you do it? What's it like these days? You know, I think
00:46:00.540
I wouldn't be surprised if we get more towards a culture where, you know, where marriage isn't
00:46:07.120
as necessary. You know, and I hate to say it because I want to see, you know, I love
00:46:14.260
the family unit and it's statistically proven across the board that children survive and
00:46:21.540
thrive better when they have two parents in the home. Um, and that's a statistic for every
00:46:28.840
ethnicity. Go look it up. Every ethnicity, you know, and so it's, it's, but it's like,
00:46:35.180
is that what's popular right now? You know, is that what's going on? And I, you know, I
00:46:40.260
don't know. It scares me too, to think, you know, I mean, I've been talking to a gal and
00:46:45.480
I was just talking to her about, you know, how that makes me feel very nervous. And I think
00:46:50.500
part of the nervous thing about being with somebody forever is just the propensity for you
00:46:56.520
to be able to mess up, you know, you know, to, to, to cheat or to, to, to lie or to, you
00:47:06.320
know, to not be a good husband, you know, and that's the scary part. I think of, of monogamy
00:47:11.040
these days, you know, is man built to be able to withstand all this constant barrage with
00:47:15.980
the pornography and the, you know, the Instagram and the titties wandering by, you know, I mean,
00:47:22.320
I, I mean, you open your eye, if you even open your eyes outside, it's like the, everything
00:47:28.340
has titties on it now, you know, when you start to see them and it's just, there's, there's
00:47:32.280
just a lot of breast work out there that there wasn't, I think years ago, our grandfather,
00:47:36.940
only time he saw some other breasts, maybe if he went to the store, you know, or if he
00:47:42.200
even held a soft melon back in the day, you know, if you probably in the 1930s, if he even
00:47:47.040
held a soft melon, that's the only time he really thought of any, of somebody outside
00:47:51.960
of his marriage. When he was checking melons, you know, when he was considering buying fruit,
00:47:56.940
I mean, he'd probably, that used to be the old playboy, probably pulling up to a fruit
00:48:00.300
stand and feeling the different, you know, the plums and the, and the different, you know,
00:48:07.680
honeydews out there and just feeling their softness. I mean, God damn, you put a, you put
00:48:12.440
a C cup avocado in each one of my hands and I'll, I mean, I will, my penis will mount
00:48:17.560
up on top of my nuts and it will be erect. So it's wild to think that, that back in the
00:48:23.420
day that that's all, that's the only stimulation that they had. You know, when I was young,
00:48:27.860
you had the pornography magazines, but you also, a lot of people, I think in our neighborhood
00:48:32.080
were drawing pictures of vaginas in the dirt. And I don't know if it was just in our neighborhood,
00:48:36.480
even around town, there was a group or maybe just one person and an artist, I guess you
00:48:40.820
could even call him an artist, you know, or somebody that was trying to do graffiti, but
00:48:44.260
didn't have any paint. And they would just be drawing pictures of vaginas in the dirt
00:48:48.080
and you'd be wandering around town and just see a vagina in the dirt. And that would always
00:48:51.880
be a little bit crazy, you know, to see that. And that would make you feel erect and stuff.
00:48:57.180
And you never knew when you were going to see that. But nowadays, yeah, it's like, you
00:49:02.400
know, it's, it's hard to just conserve your sexual energy for one person because there's
00:49:06.520
so many things trying to take it from me nowadays. Polygamy, I don't know. I mean,
00:49:12.240
it sounds like it'd be great, of course, you know, to maybe have a change of pace in your
00:49:17.020
life, you know, but you got to be a great multitasker. Would it be good for the kids?
00:49:23.600
You know, I don't know enough about it, what the effect of polygamy has on children, you
00:49:27.260
know, when, you know, when you get dad two or three nights a week, you know, when you got
00:49:31.940
your different types of wives. And I mean, I feel sometimes like I have enough love inside
00:49:36.340
of me to, you know, to be able to maybe live in that environment. But is that practical?
00:49:42.720
I don't know. You know, I don't know, man. And I don't talk a lot about my past endeavors,
00:49:48.100
man. I mean, I've had a lot of sexual sexuality over the years, you know, some good and some
00:49:52.280
bad, you know, and I don't really even like sex that much. I'm not real keen on it. You
00:49:57.120
know, people banging their bodies into each other. You know, it's just sometimes it just
00:50:02.940
gets old a little bit. And maybe that's a dour look at sex. And maybe I need to, you
00:50:08.620
know, have to have my chi, you know, reconfigured. You know, I need to take my chi into the chi
00:50:14.900
shop, you know, and remodel my chi. But that's just how I feel sometimes, you know, that after
00:50:22.860
a certain point, also, it's just got to be about more than that to have that connection.
00:50:27.120
But it's a great, you know, I don't think there's a man, you know, every man thinks
00:50:31.820
about it for sure about polygamy. You know, I think it's natural. They say it's natural
00:50:36.760
to want to mount up and do love and do sex on others. They say it's natural. So it's
00:50:42.120
your, it's a fight you're in. If you're staying monogamous and you're in a one on one
00:50:46.020
relationship, if you've been in a long term relationship, and you've stayed true in
00:50:51.620
it, I'd love to hear some of the what that feels like, what some of those values are,
00:50:56.420
what do you, what, you know, what are the prizes there that you get emotionally for
00:51:01.180
yourself? What does that feel like, man, if you're out there, you know, or ladies, a
00:51:06.120
lot of these ladies be running around these days slanging that canal. It's wild out
00:51:10.560
there. It's definitely wild. What are we, how are we getting on time here, man? I think
00:51:15.240
we're getting a little bit along. Um, I'm actually going to, let's take away, let's take
00:51:21.300
one more call here and see what's happening, man. I want to say this. We got, we got a caller
00:51:32.860
What's up, Theo? Hello, Louisiana boy calling in here from, uh, Shreveport, LA.
00:51:38.960
Shreveport, Louisiana. That's where Andy Dick tried to break me off with them tongue and
00:51:46.660
Uh, just calling, calling with some problems that I'm currently having. I graduated high
00:51:56.100
Congratulations. If you graduated high school in Louisiana, congratulations, brother. Not
00:52:00.520
easy for a lot of people and I appreciate you calling tonight, man. Thank you. Onward.
00:52:04.460
Currently 20 years old. Just going to have some problems with, um, excessive pornography use,
00:52:10.640
lack of motivation to go out and get girls. Uh, I had a few girls, girlfriends in high school,
00:52:16.640
and, um, and every time I get the opportunity to go hang out with a girl or whatever, I always
00:52:24.160
talk myself out of it, whether it's, you know, kind of insecurity or lack of confidence.
00:52:30.000
All right. I appreciate this, man. I mean, you know, this is an issue that I've struggled
00:52:32.920
with over the years. You know, you're having some issues with pornography and, uh, you were
00:52:36.900
dating in high school, but now you're not dating that much and you're feeling like you
00:52:40.060
might have, um, you know, a lack of motivation to do that, but it sounds like you are interested
00:52:47.780
Because I have in the past, you know, I had girls, I know I can talk to girls, I'm a complete
00:52:51.680
loser, but I was going to go through some shit right now with that. I was just, you know,
00:52:57.140
calling to see what your thoughts are on that and how I can kind of pull myself out of this
00:53:02.980
Dude, you can pull yourself right out of that funk. I'm going to tell you that, how to
00:53:05.720
un-funk. Dude, how to un-gunk your funk. How to un-gunk your funk, this is how.
00:53:11.900
So, you got to stop the masturbation. You got to stop the pornography. If you feel like
00:53:17.120
it's a, if you feel like it's gotten out of control, people that, that, that are just
00:53:24.200
watching it and enjoying it and not, not everybody's calling and saying they feel like it's gotten
00:53:28.480
out of control. So, if you feel that way, it's probably based on something real. You
00:53:33.500
know, that it's become a bad habit. It can probably be a healthy habit for you again one
00:53:37.440
day, but for now, you might want to address it. You know, and some people think I'm crazy.
00:53:41.240
Well, dude, he can jerk off. What does it mean? He can jerk off. This fella just trying
00:53:45.220
to jerk off. But if he's, he, now he's reaching out and he's, he's, he's not comfortable for
00:53:50.400
him anymore. Then it's not a fun game for him. You know, yeah, I get it, dude. It's
00:53:55.420
fun. You know, I remember cruising on the interstate and, you know, blasting one out the
00:54:01.060
side of a open van door, you know, but, and that was a blast, dude, but those days are
00:54:07.200
over. And now when you're just doing it at home and it's, and you're not going out and
00:54:11.040
meeting people. So what you got to do is you got to cut it off. Not your wiener, bro, but
00:54:16.560
you just have to stop it. You just got to, you got to find some ways to stop it. You
00:54:19.620
got to find habits. Notice what your habits are whenever you do it and shut it down at
00:54:23.640
night. No electronics late at night. Shut it down. You know, and as you get away from,
00:54:28.080
you get 30 days away from, and I promise you, you'll just start to feel better in your body.
00:54:31.640
You feel more motivated. You'll feel more confident. And I'll even tell you this, man,
00:54:36.960
they got SAA, SAA meetings. And that's, um, it's sexual addiction stuff. And that can be
00:54:44.100
anything, man. It doesn't mean you out there perverting. You know, it doesn't mean you out
00:54:48.560
there peeping, timing, or, you know, being a weirdo. They got them. I'm looking here right
00:54:53.120
here online. They got on, well, they have them on Monday, Thursday, and Friday in Shreveport,
00:54:57.360
Louisiana. So you can check them out. Nobody's going to know that you heard it on here
00:55:01.100
and went. Nobody's going to know anything like that. But go check it out, man. You can hear
00:55:05.160
about it. You can hear other people share what's going on with them. It's recovery, bro. You can
00:55:09.120
get in that and get, and make yourself feel better, dude. You know what I'm saying? Get
00:55:13.360
off that seed gun. Because you're just getting handy with the seed gun, baby. You Wyatt Earp.
00:55:19.360
When you come to your crotch, bro, you are Wyatt Earp. And that's okay, man. You just got to settle
00:55:25.180
that wild west down. You got to settle that. You got to take the wild out of the west for a while.
00:55:29.140
And I promise you, you'll feel invigorated. You'll feel more confident. You got to let
00:55:33.300
that chi build up. You got to let that chi build up. And I'm telling you that because I know
00:55:38.640
that. You know, I'm telling you that because I know it. And you ain't alone, baby. I've been
00:55:43.160
out in them skeet streets. And I know some people say that I beat this topic to death. Play
00:55:47.980
on words, of course. But look, if you're calling about it and I can share about it, man, then
00:55:53.440
I'm happy to do that. And I appreciate you guys all hitting the hotline. We got one more
00:55:57.280
call right here. But good luck, man. And if you even want to just hit me on the hotline
00:56:00.360
again, I won't put the call on. But, you know, just to let me know what's going on or if you
00:56:04.240
want to talk about it in the future, man, I'm happy to discuss it. But yeah, it's a battle
00:56:09.380
out there, dude. It's a battle out there. If you want to be a man that's not caught up
00:56:13.620
in the dark arts, you know, that's not out there, you know, hiding in the living room
00:56:17.820
while your wife laying in the other room. And you, she's wondering why your sex life is bad
00:56:23.180
and you out there spraying out, laying down in the tub, trying to be quiet, jacked up
00:56:28.300
on some porn hub. You know, it's tough, guys. I'm not saying you're not wrong for doing
00:56:34.340
it, but it's tough. And we're battling that shit. We're better than that. You know, they
00:56:40.420
create these things to weaken us, to beat us down. You think George Washington was jerking
00:56:45.060
off that night, dude? Hell no. That dude was sharpening his wooden teeth and being ready
00:56:51.220
for the next day. And they say he just chopped down one cherry tree. I bet that motherfucker
00:56:56.240
chopped down all of them because he showed up. You know, he battled his tough times. Imagine
00:57:04.060
having termites in your teeth and you still got to wake up and smile. It's tough to be
00:57:09.360
a man these days. They don't want us to be a man. But we're not going to fall down, baby.
00:57:14.280
We're not. We're going to toe the line, man. Good luck to you out there. But you can check
00:57:19.000
out where those meetings are at, at saa.recovery.org. And it doesn't mean you're a creeper or a
00:57:25.940
weirdo, dude. Trust me. The most amazing people you'll meet are in some of these meetings,
00:57:30.940
dude. Businessmen, professionals, heroes, bruh. Heroes. All right, let's hit one more call
00:57:36.600
here on this hot line. Y'all got me feeling fired up. You know what I'm saying? Fired up.
00:57:42.300
I'm about to swim down to Houston and use my body as a sandbag. Again, you can donate. You can text
00:57:49.560
H-A-R-V-E-Y to 90999. If you can't find a way to help, help like that. Take $10 out of your pocket,
00:57:59.340
put it into somebody else's that can help. J.J. Watt has a great charity that's online. You can hit
00:58:03.380
them up online. Just Google J.J. Watt charity and see what they're doing to help out. Let's do one more
00:58:09.820
call. This call came in from a gentleman. Hey, Theo. I just wanted to thank you for
00:58:15.180
the fresh perspective that this past weekend continually reminds me to stay positive and
00:58:23.600
celebrate living. Just had a little baby girl born three days ago, healthy and happy and gorgeous as
00:58:30.380
ever. I appreciate you doing the Lord's work on the back of that skullet. Brendan Shaw's right. You're
00:58:36.980
about to take the comedy game to a whole new level. Love you, brother. Take care.
00:58:40.920
Love you, too, man. Congratulations, dude. You got that three-day-old baby girl, huh?
00:58:48.240
Look at us, man. That's the support of you. You want to support feminists? That's how we do it.
00:58:52.860
We're bringing daughters into the world, you know? We're raising them to be good women,
00:58:58.160
you know, to be confident, to be able to become good mothers. You know, we're trying to lead by
00:59:03.040
example. We might fail at times, but we get back up. And I appreciate that call, man.
00:59:08.880
You know, I really appreciate that call. I appreciate the thank you. Because, yeah, it's tough
00:59:15.440
out here, man. It's tough out here for me. You know, and it's nice when I get to get these calls
00:59:19.080
because, you know, I wish a lot of times that, you know, I'd left out of here to Los Angeles and
00:59:24.100
moved home and had myself a family by now, you know, and had that, you know? And I get, you know,
00:59:31.420
a little bit, you know, a little jealous. So I appreciate you sharing that with me. Makes me feel
00:59:35.860
like I'm a part of something. But, yeah, man, girls, little girls are the cutest, dude. My family
00:59:41.520
was never very close. And then my sister had a baby. When she first had it, I was like, man,
00:59:46.600
I was so angry at her. I'm like, what are you doing? You don't even know about life. You don't
00:59:51.060
know. I was just so judgmental. And then, man, once I got to know this kid, you know, and she's just the
00:59:56.900
light of my life. And now she has two daughters. And, you know, anything they do just brings joy to me.
01:00:02.080
And they brought so much joy to me over the years just by being alive. You know, and little
01:00:06.560
girls are so sweet, man. And so that's, I appreciate you sharing that blessing with us,
01:00:11.140
you know? And that's what it's about, you know? That's what it's about, dude. We're out here trying
01:00:16.600
to help each other out, to remind each other what we can be, boy. We taking this thing. So thank you.
01:00:23.340
I appreciate that call, man. You know, we're trying. We're in this together, dude. We're celebrating
01:00:28.300
living. So hit the hotline. Check out YouTube and check out the new set, man. I'm so thankful
01:00:34.660
to Ken Hyland, one of my producers who helped put this set together for me, man. I am,
01:00:40.920
dude, this is cool. We're doing some cool stuff. We got the Patreon. We can check that out. That
01:00:46.160
should be up by Wednesday. And that is p-a-t-r-e-o-n.com slash Theo Vaughn. And you can support the podcast
01:00:54.540
directly. We're just going to have some small ways you can support and hopefully some other neat ways
01:00:58.280
that people can get involved and become a part of this. But by hitting the hotline, you can become
01:01:02.320
involved. I had a couple more calls on the call list, but I'm not going to get to them because
01:01:05.740
it's 1 a.m. here and I still got to edit this thing and put it up. But again, my heart goes out
01:01:12.520
to everybody in Texas. And, you know, if you have somebody that's down there, even if they're not
01:01:17.740
in Houston, text them. Just let them know you're thinking about them. You know, let them know that
01:01:22.840
just for a minute that we're not thinking about ourselves. That's what we're trying
01:01:26.420
to do. So we're going to celebrate living, man. Happy birthday to that 3-year-old. And
01:01:32.220
thank you for the callers. And I'll talk to you guys soon, man. Finish my coffee. And this
01:01:43.280
is the Spencer Jacob Grau, G-R-A-U band. And that link will be in the YouTube as well.
01:01:49.320
And as well, if anybody has a topic that they'd like to have us address on the podcast, call
01:02:06.680
in and say, hey, this is a topic suggestion. I'd love to know whatever. I mean, that hotline
01:02:11.580
is open. If you call and mess up or whatever, call back. You know, there's no judgment on
01:02:15.420
that. There's no judgment. And thank you for everybody that called and shared some of their
01:02:19.260
thoughts and feelings. I really appreciate it, man. I really, really do. I'm excited today,
01:02:24.920
man. I'm excited. Close this out right here, man. You guys be good to yourselves. I bet you deserve
01:02:52.920
it. I'm going to try. I'm going to try, man. I'm going to try. No promises, but I'm going to try,
01:02:58.000
man. You guys be good. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite
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Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, standup stories,
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and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
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Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
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You have three new voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been
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talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else. So great. Hi, sweetheart.
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Here's a deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
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Jermaine. Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
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Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken. I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me.
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Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell
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everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or
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watch us on YouTube. Yeah. And yes, don't worry. My Brad Pitt impression will get better.