This Past Weekend with Theo Von - 8-28-17 ｜ This Past Weekend #39

00:00:00.000 This past weekend, let's connect that boom boom, alright, aww yeah, thank you guys, happy

00:00:15.500 Monday, happy Monday August 28th, the year 2017, a lot of years huh?

00:00:30.000 A lot of years in the books, this one's coming in hot, it's coming in hot boy, and it's coming

00:00:40.240 in wet, it's coming in wet, we're celebrating dark days right now, it's what we're trying

00:00:49.520 to do, I just want to send some love and some light and some thoughts and prayers out to

00:00:54.900 everybody that's affected by Hurricane Harvey, you know, and they make it sound so nice,

00:01:01.440 Harvey, you know, what's Harvey gonna do, you know, oh Harvey don't ever do nothing, you

00:01:07.980 know, they make it sound like a, like a, you know, a fella in the neighborhood that, you

00:01:12.680 know, still lives with his parents, oh Harvey, you know, collecting bottle caps and doing

00:01:18.100 that, you know, Harvey opened up his own window washing business and they went out of business,

00:01:24.700 you know, freaking Harvey, stealing all the Christmas candies, but then that's not what

00:01:30.900 it is, you know, and it shows up and it's more violent a lot of times in its name, and

00:01:35.480 my thoughts and feelings and everything go out to those people in Texas that are struggling,

00:01:39.740 or if you have family members down there in Houston, you can make a donation, you can text

00:01:43.920 Harvey, H-A-R-V-E-Y to 9099, and that'll make a $10 donation, you can also, I believe to the

00:01:51.740 Red Cross, you can also look online, J.J. Watt, who is a, I mean a, just a volatile, beautiful,

00:02:01.020 you know, capable caveman from the NFL, from the National Football League, has started a

00:02:07.660 fundraising program, you can look it up online, you can donate there as well, but I'm happy

00:02:11.080 to be here with you guys today, you know, that rain, that rain comes in and it's heavy,

00:02:17.640 that rain comes in and it's heavy, and if you're dry today and you're able to drive down your street

00:02:21.600 or get out of your home, you know, for you that's probably, you know, you're probably doing better

00:02:26.240 than a lot of people, you know, a lot of people down there struggling, and I'm going to find some

00:02:30.340 other ways that I can donate, but thank you guys for being here with me today, I remember when I

00:02:35.620 was young, I was a heavy sleeper, I was a heavy sleeper, man, I mean, I would dream that I was

00:02:42.660 sleeping, and that's, when you're dreaming that you are asleep, you know, that's, that's heavy,

00:02:50.820 that's double sleep, you know, you're, you know, you're under two realms of, of, of, of brain peace,

00:02:59.680 and so that's where I was at, and I remember one time I fell asleep, and a lot of rains came,

00:03:04.660 because I grew up in Louisiana, and a lot of rains would come, and, and one time the baseboards or

00:03:10.320 whatever, the thing was rotten at our place, and, and the water came in while I was resting,

00:03:16.400 and I remember it getting all on the floor an inch or two, and I'd been resting in my mother's room,

00:03:21.840 and she had a package of, I guess, uh, you know, I don't know how to say this appropriately, but

00:03:27.560 feminine care sticks, you know, those feminine care sticks that women use, and, um, and that some 1.00

00:03:34.000 men might even use, I don't even know what's going on these days, but, uh, you know, these feminine 1.00

00:03:38.120 care sticks, and they were still in the packages, and they had gotten, you know, a box of them had

00:03:44.180 gotten caught in the water or whatever, and they were floating all around the room, and they had a

00:03:47.560 bunch of, uh, a sack of marshmallows, because I'd, sometimes I'd have me a little bit of marshmallows,

00:03:51.840 you know, before I'd go to bed, or, or just, I'd keep a sack by my, by my bed sometimes,

00:03:57.640 and they had a sack of marshmallows that had, you know, the water had opened up, and there was just

00:04:03.640 all these feminine care sticks and marshmallows kind of floating around the room, and they had, uh, 1.00

00:04:10.280 they had, uh, the neighbor's cat was over and was kind of kicking these feminine care sticks around 1.00

00:04:14.720 the water, and, um, and it was, it was wild, because I was so scared, but here this cat was finding so much

00:04:20.980 joy, you know, snacking on these marshmallows and, uh, kicking around these feminine care products 0.60

00:04:26.440 around the, uh, around this little lake that had formed, um, in our home, so, you know, what I'm

00:04:33.040 just saying is sometimes you just, even though it's tough, you know, find those bright moments,

00:04:36.960 you know, even when the rains, uh, when the water gets deep. I had a friend, I texted a friend in

00:04:41.880 Houston to check on him, see how he was doing, and he sent me back a picture of this Cajun Navy,

00:04:47.040 and that's people that have these airboats, uh, that are able to get out into neighborhoods and

00:04:51.200 help people out, and you see a lot of it. I mean, it's just a, I mean, it's, that's a neighborhood

00:04:56.000 Dunkirk right there. That's neighborhood Dunkirk flaring up, you know, when you got a fellow just

00:05:01.220 showing up at your doorstep, you know, bringing you pizza or, you know, uh, cold water or phone

00:05:07.860 charging, whatever. I mean, and that's, it's beautiful to see, uh, people helping each other out, but he sent me

00:05:12.640 a video of in his own neighborhood, you know, of a boat going by. It was pretty, just interesting to

00:05:18.020 see, you know, something you normally wouldn't see in a neighborhood. You know, you don't see a lot

00:05:22.860 of boats on streets, so that was interesting, man, and I appreciate him sending that in, but my

00:05:27.900 thoughts and, uh, and, and prayers and well wishes go out to all those people struggling down there in

00:05:31.840 Texas, and, uh, and I'm looking forward to making more donations as those opportunities arise.

00:05:37.500 But Harvey, you know, they name it Harvey, and that's what I don't like about some of these storms.

00:05:43.640 You know, because if you're a senior citizen, you're sitting there, and you hear, oh, Harvey's coming.

00:05:48.420 You know, what's Harvey? He's harmless. You know, Harvey sounds like that boy in the neighborhood that

00:05:53.980 never really got it together. You know, that maybe that boy that had a, you know, he had a flick of

00:05:58.940 a tism in his brain or something light. You know, he still live with his parents, and he was always,

00:06:03.460 you know, doing small businesses, pressure washing, or, you know, painting. People in the neighborhood

00:06:09.500 would hire him to paint stuff that didn't need to be painted, just so Harvey could get him a little

00:06:14.120 bit of pocket money. You know, or Harvey would always be, you know, that, you know, Harvey never

00:06:20.500 got it together. You know, he's still living in his parents' basement in his 30s. You know, and he,

00:06:25.440 you don't invite him to the Christmas party because he steals all the Christmas candy.

00:06:29.360 And they give it a name like that Harvey that sounds like it could be a miscreant or a

00:06:32.660 door-to-door salesman. But then it shows up, and it's violent. And sometimes I wish they would

00:06:37.680 start giving these storms names that showed who they were. You know, you know, here comes Manson.

00:06:45.120 You know, here comes Ray Lewis. You know, what about that? Here comes Ron Artest is coming out.

00:06:52.200 You know, see who we got. You know, this Timothy McVeigh, this storm. You know, give him something

00:06:57.680 that at least he's going to put, if you're a senior and you hear Harvey's coming, you might not be as

00:07:02.140 aware. You might not hide the cat on top of the cupboard. But if you hear that, you know,

00:07:09.080 that Lee Harvey Oswald is showing up, you know, you might be, make some different, different

00:07:14.340 adjustments in your home. So it's just alarming, you know, and it's sad. And I'm not trying to make

00:07:19.520 light of the scenario that people are dealing with, but I've been through some water times and

00:07:23.820 they're really tough, but it's amazing to see if you can, if you can find them and you can find the

00:07:28.540 joy to see, you know, what people are doing to help each other out. And when we're far away,

00:07:33.660 instead of pointing fingers and thinking about this or that, what we can do is to donate.

00:07:37.480 You know, because money helps. Money helps it all. Thank you guys for joining me on this Monday,

00:07:44.000 August 28th, 2017. You know, it's crazy to see winter is coming. You know, winter is coming.

00:07:50.820 And Mother Nature, you know, she lifting her dress up and she got a cold crotch. And we're about to 0.52

00:07:58.460 see some of that wrath show up. You know, and people talk about these, you know, the climate change

00:08:03.140 and the warming and this and that. And who knows, you know, how much that's affecting us at this point

00:08:08.200 exactly in certain areas. You know, I was in Canada in Vancouver this weekend and there were some drunk

00:08:13.900 girls who were all fired up about global warming saying, we want beaches, you know, we sick of the 1.00

00:08:19.700 winners. We want beaches out here. And it's like, well, look, you can't have beaches just so

00:08:25.140 everybody else can suffer in the world. But outside of that, I was in Canada this weekend. I had a good

00:08:30.440 time. I went up to Vancouver. We had a fantasy football draft, a destination draft. So every

00:08:36.140 year, my fantasy football league, one of them, we do a destination draft. We pick a city and we all fly

00:08:41.460 in and we meet up and we do our draft. We've done some, you know, we've done Austin, we've done

00:08:46.340 Chicago, New York, where else? New Orleans, Los Angeles, San Diego, some other places, Miami.

00:08:59.000 And we hit up Vancouver. And Vancouver is the kind of city, it's a small city. I mean, you can almost

00:09:07.340 walk everywhere. And you kind of feel like you're just waiting for the city to get going. That's what

00:09:13.940 I kind of felt like. You know, it's a small city, very friendly as people. I mean, friendly

00:09:18.520 men and women. If he's talking to men or women, it just, there's a nice vibe in there. You don't

00:09:23.520 feel like anybody's putting on airs or trying to be too cool for school. You don't feel as

00:09:28.620 much pomp and circumstance as you do here, specifically in Los Angeles, you know, where you go to a bar

00:09:34.740 to a night event and everybody's trying to be that fancy cat. You know, everybody trying

00:09:39.800 to get you to, you know, smell their breath to let you know that they had the best tune

00:09:43.380 of that night. You know, they're trying to get you to take a hit off that albacore off

00:09:47.240 their tongue. But you don't feel that up in Vancouver. It just felt like a good vibe, friendly

00:09:51.360 people, kindness. Everywhere. You know, you stop and ask somebody for directions, they take

00:09:56.460 you there. I mean, you know, we asked for directions to this beach and somebody just took

00:10:00.780 us there. I mean, it was a couple of miles. It was 15 minutes. You know, but it was captivating

00:10:06.160 a little city. You're just kind of waiting for the city to get going. You keep feeling

00:10:09.400 like, oh, there should be more of a, an energy or a bustle, but people there are just more

00:10:13.000 at peace. You know, and I've always thought Canada was a very peaceful place, but I was,

00:10:18.000 you know, like, and New York's kind of gotten that way. New York, it's gotten so, I don't

00:10:23.540 want to say gentrified because I don't know if gentrified just means white, but whatever 0.76

00:10:26.900 the financial version of gentrified would be. It's gotten so greenified, moneyfied that

00:10:33.100 in New York, you don't even get mugged anymore. You know, you got to go up to, you know,

00:10:36.680 north of Harlem and even get mugged. You know, in New York, it's like you walk around these

00:10:41.140 days and it's just everybody's, it's just a bunch of business people, people with money. 1.00

00:10:46.360 You know, you almost want some, you almost have to ask somebody to, you know, fuck you 0.99

00:10:49.220 up a little, you know, stab me a little or something, or just, you know, call me a pervert 1.00

00:10:53.320 and, you know, hit me in the back of the knees with a, with a broomstick. Could just, 1.00

00:10:57.580 if you want to get that vibe that, you know, that New Yorkie, you know, mug me, you

00:11:02.100 know, I want to feel something. I want to feel like I'm in the city and you can't

00:11:05.420 get that in New York proper anymore. In Vancouver, you're always, you're just kind

00:11:09.280 of waiting for it to pick up, but it's just a peaceful city. There's just peace

00:11:12.040 going on. We had a nice time though. We had a great fantasy draft there. We went

00:11:18.540 out to this place called Kitts Beach. They have a beach and it's, it's, it's like

00:11:24.640 right on the edge of the city and there's people out there just enjoying

00:11:28.900 themselves. It almost looks like you're in heaven. I mean, it's extremely

00:11:32.380 multicultural and you're out there and everybody's just enjoying themselves.

00:11:37.700 Everybody seems to be having a good time. It definitely seems like they, like kind

00:11:42.280 of the heaven you would picture in your brain. You know, there's like, there's

00:11:44.840 mountains in the background and there's, there's city, there's skyscrapers and, you

00:11:50.280 know, even the homeless people seem to be on the uptick. You know, like they were, like

00:11:55.040 they can still at least remember the homes they had. You know, they can at least

00:11:59.440 still remember maybe a two bedroom, two bath that they used to spend time in. You

00:12:03.600 see the homeless people in America there, you know, it's just like they just

00:12:07.300 been, you know, boiling soup in their own eye sockets. You know, half of them

00:12:11.640 don't, you know, like they've been gargling their own bile. You know, the

00:12:15.280 homeless people here, there's tattered. They've been through the ringer.

00:12:18.380 They've been through the, you know, they've been caught up in the dark arts for too

00:12:22.120 long. They don't even remember how to use a faucet. You know, a lot of them, you

00:12:26.200 take them by a sink and they just, you know, they'll urinate or just jerk off 0.99

00:12:29.360 into it. But you don't see that up in Canada. You see people, even the homeless 0.99

00:12:33.200 people, they're ready for homes again. You know, they know they're not going to be

00:12:36.360 homeless forever. You know, hell, half of them probably just camping. I mean, these

00:12:39.740 people love the outdoors and it's summertime. But if you get a chance to go to

00:12:43.340 Vancouver, you want a nice getaway for you and your lady. The nightlife was pretty

00:12:48.240 chill. It was chill nightlife, which for me these days is good, you know.

00:12:52.120 I'm not out there trying to find erroneous, you know, female tits and doing 1.00

00:12:58.320 cocaine out of people's buttocks and all that. You know, I'm trying to be more 0.99

00:13:01.820 relaxed and so we had a nice time. But a good fantasy draft, I got a good team.

00:13:06.440 One of my buddies lost his mind. And I hadn't seen this in a while. One of my

00:13:10.880 buddies, three guys went and they got themselves a chocolate bar from one of

00:13:14.800 these marijuana outlets. You know, in the marijuana these days, when I was young,

00:13:18.880 that marijuana, it was just that brown, that dirt, you know. I mean, hell, this

00:13:24.680 shit, half of it was pine. You know, that was one of the flavors. It was pine. 1.00

00:13:29.820 You know, I mean, this shit, somebody could have just cut it in their front yard 0.99

00:13:31.980 earlier that day, the stuff you were buying when I was a kid. And you'd smoke it in 1.00

00:13:35.760 the dark. You had no clue what it was. Half the time you didn't even get fucked up.

00:13:38.860 You just acted fucked up. And that was the, that was that marijuana back then. But now 0.99

00:13:43.500 these kids, you know, these young buckaroos, they're hitting on this, this, this stuff,

00:13:51.380 you know, it's like, it's like lying the witch in the wardrobe. This stuff will take you to

00:13:55.900 Narnia. You know, this stuff will have you fall out of the back of your own, out of your

00:13:59.860 own brain closet into the, into the next realm. And they had a guy in our league who had

00:14:04.860 never, or who said he had smoked to eat a long time ago. I think he was still trying

00:14:08.240 to live a little and catch that vibe. And he ate a little bit of chocolate, dude. He

00:14:12.940 started geeking. He started getting lifted. You know, you could, you could almost hear

00:14:17.720 his brainstem just detaching from his spine. This dude was just a human balloon, just

00:14:22.360 floating around the room. He had to start marching. He started marching, took his shirt

00:14:26.500 off. Dude, fucked up. People like to take their shirts off, huh? Because they got to get 1.00

00:14:30.640 out that cage, boy. Let me out this cotton cage. I'm fucked up. This polyester, this polyester

00:14:39.940 can't hold me. This dude was lifted and gifted. You know, he was feeling that vibe, dude. He

00:14:46.960 could feel the vultures just start to play in tug of war with his, with his cerebellum. And

00:14:53.480 he was getting lifted, dude. And he's not like that kind of guy. You know, he even texted,

00:14:58.080 even sent the group text. We're all sitting there in the room. He sends the group

00:15:00.460 text, a text saying, I'm having severe adverse reactions from marijuana at this

00:15:06.060 moment. And he said he did that just so he would have documentation of it. Like

00:15:10.200 this dude's like a research kind of guy. You know, he likes that documentation. But

00:15:14.240 man, he had his shirt off. He had us call him the, the place where he bought the

00:15:17.900 chocolate bar. He only had one square. And he got bent. He got bent out, boy. He got

00:15:25.180 bent out. He was catching, uh, he was catching, um, he was catching levels. You know, he was

00:15:32.680 on that third or fourth level, dude. He was hitting warp zones. He was fighting Bowser in

00:15:36.060 his brain. He started marching around the room in a circle. The room made a full circle

00:15:40.140 where he could go into the bedroom and then come out through the bathroom back into the

00:15:43.000 living room, in this hotel room. And he, he, he hit that circle. I mean, he was out there

00:15:48.200 like Usain Bolton on them vault on that voltage boy on that plantography, you know, on that

00:15:56.260 garden that was just growing up through his soul, that weed. And that shit was powerful 1.00

00:16:00.660 to watch, dude. We had to pray with him. He, we had to do a prayer circle. This dude, we 1.00

00:16:05.200 bought him a bunch of orange juice. We had him in the shower. He was marching in the shower.

00:16:09.880 So anyway, we got to dinner late. We got to dinner late that night. Uh, well we did our

00:16:13.700 fantasy draft. We had a good time in Vancouver. I would recommend Vancouver. It's

00:16:18.020 not the night, it's not as crazy nightlife as you would think, but some great hiking,

00:16:22.700 extremely wonderful people. I met a lot of fans just being out and about had some great

00:16:27.440 seafood. Um, and just a fun, safe place. If you want to get out to a vibe, I mean, I

00:16:32.500 felt like I could have slept on the concrete out front and I would have woke up and somebody

00:16:36.960 would have, um, probably put a, a couple of blankets over me and maybe even put, um, ear

00:16:42.720 eardrums in my ears to make sure that something didn't wake me up. It was that kind of environment

00:16:46.840 where people would just seem like they were helping each other out. But we watched the

00:16:50.900 fight, man. I don't know if you watched the fight or not, man. It was good, huh? It was

00:16:57.400 interesting. I mean, right out of the gate, I was thinking, did you see the referee?

00:17:02.740 The referee looked like, first of all, it looked like he was just talking to Connor, but I guess

00:17:07.900 maybe the rules need to be readdressed to him because it's, you know, boxing, straight

00:17:11.820 boxing is in his deal. Uh, but the referee looked like every greyhound bus driver I've 0.99

00:17:16.960 ever had. I don't know if you saw that gentleman or not, that beautiful. And he had that booty 0.62

00:17:20.800 like a, that, that DS booty, you know, he had that down syndrome booty and a lot of, um,

00:17:26.420 you know, some of you guys know, one of my better friends growing up, dairy had DS and

00:17:31.400 down syndrome, popular disease. And he had it and he, he was, uh, you know, we used to do

00:17:37.460 eat sandwiches and stuff and do a little bit of, you know, light ghost hunting and stuff

00:17:40.680 like that by the Ramada when I was growing up. But, but man, this referee looked like

00:17:46.440 every greyhound bus driver. So out of the gate, I was like, I'm into this thing. You

00:17:51.000 know, this, this fight feels already familiar. Uh, it was exciting, man. It was exciting.

00:17:56.080 The ring girls looking lovely. And at first I felt so nervous. I don't know if anybody else

00:18:02.600 felt that, but for the first, like, I mean the first two rounds, I was so nervous and

00:18:08.740 I, I can't even feel why, you know, when I think back, like, why am I, why do I feel

00:18:13.540 this way? I think I was just nervous because, you know, McGregor was seemed so out of his

00:18:20.960 element, you know, even his stance and everything. It was just, he looked so vulnerable to me,

00:18:26.420 you know, and I don't know a ton about boxing. I don't know a ton about fighting. I know that

00:18:29.840 both these guys are masters in their universes, but it made me nervous, man. I was nervous

00:18:35.400 for him, you know, the first two rounds. And then after a while, I just felt like you

00:18:41.740 could see the flaws were just, they were natural flaws in Connors. He didn't have any finishing

00:18:46.140 moves. You know, he didn't have that, that high you can, he didn't have that power. He

00:18:50.440 didn't have that power play. He did, you know, he had just a lot of these straight punches

00:18:54.440 and, you know, I was just like, where's that finishing move? At one point, I'm just

00:18:59.680 like, just, you know, throw a kick, daddy. You know, throw a knee burst. But he didn't

00:19:04.980 have a finishing move and that kind of, I feel like made it a little bit tough. And I wish

00:19:10.480 that, I know he, at the end of the fight, he said, you know, I wish they would have let

00:19:15.060 us go to the mat where one of us fell, one of us hit the dirt. And I think at the time

00:19:19.080 he probably thought that. But this morning, I bet that he was probably glad that it didn't

00:19:22.480 happen that way. You know, that it didn't go down like that, that it ended how it did.

00:19:25.720 I mean, it was really interesting to see. I hope, you know, I want him to fight somebody

00:19:28.540 else next. Andy Dick, you know, who else could he fight? A-Rod, I'd love to see him take on

00:19:34.260 A-Rod. I'd love to probably see him, I'd love to see him honestly beat Chris Paul's ass. 0.99

00:19:39.540 You know, if he'd go in against, if he'd go in against Chris Paul, I'd love to see, you 0.98

00:19:43.000 know, or Martina Navratilova. You know, some of these people that want to be young gunners 1.00

00:19:46.900 and get in there. But we'll see, man. It was, it was exciting. I, I wonder if maybe

00:19:52.280 in, in the original agreement, if he would have asked for an MMA referee, that was something

00:19:57.980 I was thinking, like, would he have rather, like, an MMA referee who maybe, you know, might

00:20:03.120 have at least been able to judge and referee the fight a little bit more, you know, not

00:20:07.660 to his liking, but in a comfortable manner. I think it would have made it a little bit

00:20:11.920 more fair. I mean, it was, it was heavily favored to Floyd whenever you, whenever you look,

00:20:17.560 whenever you were looking at it. Like, even when I, when I, when I first came on, I was

00:20:20.660 like, wow, okay, this is, this is boxing. You know, this isn't MMA at all. I mean, this

00:20:25.040 is boxing. And you really saw somebody step outside of their comfort zone. I mean, it's

00:20:29.140 really inspiring. You know, you saw, they had a lot of videos and stuff of these guys

00:20:32.940 doing the after party and really having a good time, man. But yeah, I mean, I was, look,

00:20:38.200 I was, I was nervous. It was exciting to watch, you know, but it was inspiring. I was like,

00:20:44.500 man, I want to work out hard. You know, I want to do something. I want to step outside

00:20:47.720 of my comfort zone. You know, I want to be a baker. You know what I'm saying? I'm

00:20:52.700 going to challenge, you know, I want to challenge a motherfucker on some donut level. You know, 1.00

00:20:58.260 I mean, we want to step outside of my comfort zone. You know, I want to wake up and, you

00:21:02.840 know, in, in, in, in four months, I want to go, you know, toe to toe with an archeologist. 0.99

00:21:07.580 You know, bitch, where are these bones? I'm out here. Are you digging? I'm digging. 1.00

00:21:12.700 You could shovel. I could shovel. It made me want to kind of change up and feel inspired.

00:21:18.360 And then this morning, I just, you know, pretty much that a little bit of that left

00:21:22.960 me because, you know, inspiration, man, that stuff you have to be reminded, man, I wish

00:21:26.800 you could have inspiration, like an IV, a drip bag of inspiration. That's what I need

00:21:30.960 a lot of times because I will feel inspired and then it will go away. It will go away.

00:21:37.340 But good to be here with you guys. I hope you guys had a happy weekend. I was in Vancouver.

00:21:41.500 I flew back this morning, had a couple of sets tonight at the comedy store and at the

00:21:44.980 Hollywood Improv. And I'm so happy to be here on this past weekend. I have an announcement

00:21:50.160 to make too. A couple of them. One, we got a new set. We got a new set. It's coming along.

00:21:57.400 You can go to YouTube whenever the podcast comes out on YouTube, which is Monday evening

00:22:01.800 or Tuesday morning, and you can check it out. You can let me know what you think. Also this

00:22:06.320 week, we're going to launch our Patreon account. That's P-A-T-R-E-O-N slash Theovon,

00:22:11.780 T-H-E-O-V-O-N. And it's just to support the podcast directly. You know, we've had some

00:22:17.620 advertisers come on and people have reached out and said, look, man, I just would love

00:22:20.080 to support the podcast directly. And personally, I want to continue improving the show. You

00:22:25.940 know, I love doing this show. I'm so grateful for this experience. I want you guys to know

00:22:29.740 that. You know, I was nervous when I started out, you know, and I'm still nervous. You

00:22:34.600 know, I'm nervous a little bit every time I get on here and start, you know, sharing

00:22:38.000 and I don't know what I'm doing sometimes if I'm sharing too much or not sharing enough.

00:22:43.260 But I do feel like, you know, like together that we're doing something good. We're on to

00:22:47.780 something good. And I want to take it to the top, you know, and I want to include some

00:22:52.240 options online where people can, you know, become more involved and that where we can work

00:22:57.760 more together. And so that's what the Patreon will be. And we hope to have that launched

00:23:01.900 on Wednesday. So you guys can check that out. If you so choose no pressure, no matter what

00:23:07.400 you will always have this past weekend on your Monday mornings. All right. And I want to let

00:23:12.980 you guys know some dates. We have September 6th through 9th. That's next weekend. I'll

00:23:18.120 be at Cap City in Austin. If you have friends or family in Austin, tell them to come on out

00:23:23.040 September 14th through 17th. I'll be at Hilarities in Cleveland and the November 17th through

00:23:28.900 19th. I'll be at Stand Up Live in Huntsville, Alabama. I'm excited about all those things.

00:23:35.940 Feeling pretty excited, man. You know, I felt a little bit nervous tonight before I started.

00:23:39.880 Sometimes I guess I get a little nervous. You know, I get a little bit nervous of what

00:23:44.040 the, you know, what the vibe is and what you guys want to hear, what I want to talk about.

00:23:49.420 And I just appreciate you guys being supportive and sticking with me. We got a lot of great calls

00:23:54.580 that came in and I want to just get right into them, man. Some of them are really, really

00:23:58.460 interesting. So let's crack in to the hotline calls right now. The number is 985-664-9503.

00:24:09.040 If you're down in Texas and you had an experience from the rain, you know, where you saw something

00:24:13.560 go on that you thought was pretty remarkable, you know, I'd love to hear a little bit about

00:24:17.120 that. You know, that's one of the things you can hit the hotline with. As well, if you're

00:24:21.560 just going through something and you want to share it, you can hit the hotline with

00:24:24.100 that. Anything that if I've been through it as well, I'm happy to share. You know, I

00:24:28.160 don't have advice, but I do have suggestions and I do have my own experiences so that we

00:24:33.880 don't have to feel alone. All right, let's check in with this first call right here.

00:24:38.400 Hey, what's up, Theo? This is Tim from Tennessee.

00:24:42.060 All right, Tim from Tennessee. I can hear that. I can hear that jingle in your jungle, man.

00:24:47.780 And your neck instrument, you know, that V-Box, baby. I can hear you spouting off that sweet

00:24:54.280 Southern, you know, you got that molasses in you, in your sound canal. Let's hear more. 1.00

00:25:01.320 I'm calling about an issue I have. So I have this cousin who's trying to be a rapper, a Christian

00:25:09.160 rapper, actually.

00:25:10.580 Woo! He's got a cousin trying to be a Christian rapper, man. That's wild, baby.

00:25:15.940 You know?

00:25:18.380 You know, it's whatever. I don't really like Christian rap. It's all pretty much 1.00

00:25:22.540 terrible, but if that's what, you know, people get a hold of that and it helps them, you know,

00:25:26.640 go for it. But, um, the problem is that he's, he's terrible, you know.

00:25:33.140 Wow. The problem is, is that he's terrible, man. He dropping hymns and spinning rims, baby. 0.92

00:25:40.320 You know what I'm saying? He's caught up in that CR, son, that Christian rap, having babies 0.99

00:25:45.320 with virgin ladies, part and seas and negro, please. Y'all turning up out there in that 1.00

00:25:54.140 Bible belt. He's dropping it off, huh? And you think he's terrible. Well, look, I feel 0.93

00:26:00.020 you, man. I have friends that have thought that I think are terrible at stuff that do

00:26:04.520 things, you know? And, and I'm going to stop you right there, but I'm guessing that you're

00:26:08.980 just wondering how to handle it. And here's what I say. What do you lose by him giving it a

00:26:14.880 shot? You know, he's going to go as far as he's going to go with it. You know, he could

00:26:19.460 be great. There were times for years when I was not good at comedy. And if somebody would

00:26:25.300 have really said that to me, I may not have kept going. And I'm not saying that I'm great

00:26:29.980 today, but I'm saying today that I can do my job and that I, and I can, I can say that

00:26:34.540 I do my job well, but you know, you just can't take away his hope. So I think if you can

00:26:40.520 offer, you know, if you have constructive suggestions, fire them at them. Cause dude,

00:26:44.680 I mean, this guy's getting into a crazy game. I mean, I know there are some Christian 1.00

00:26:48.380 rappers that are, that are popular. Um, I think most of them are black. So it'd probably 1.00

00:26:52.720 be good to see some, you know, some diversity in the market could be good. Uh, I'd love it

00:26:57.260 if actually you could, um, hit the hotline and, and, uh, and drop one of his tracks and

00:27:01.800 maybe we could even start one of the podcasts off with it next week. So if you have the ability

00:27:06.260 to do that, or you can email it to me at Theo Vaughn, T H E O V O N at Mac M A C.com. But

00:27:13.280 I appreciate you calling and saying this, you know, and you got to think that Jesus balled

00:27:17.500 out, you know, I mean, he was a rapper in a way. If you want to think, whether you think

00:27:22.280 about him as a, the savior, you think about him just as a human being. I mean, that dude

00:27:26.700 was, you know, spitting in the desert. Jesus was dropping lyrics in the desert. It's hard

00:27:32.380 to even keep moisture in your mouth in the desert. So at the very least, boy,

00:27:37.280 he was a, a him and him. If you feel me, it's hard to even keep your tongue wet in

00:27:42.900 the desert. And he was roaming around dropping tracks, dude, you know? So, I mean,

00:27:48.920 there's some respect there, you know, I mean, that's real stuff. So I just support

00:27:54.020 his ability to try something different, try not to be too hard on him, buy him some gold

00:27:57.600 teeth, you know, maybe, maybe make it something that you enjoy, you know, buy him some gold

00:28:03.080 teeth, like, uh, you know, five gold teeth and spell out, you know, H-Y-M-N-S and put

00:28:10.760 them, put that hymns in his grin, you know, or get him a gold necklace with three nails

00:28:15.840 on it. You know, it's hard sometimes with family, you know, to support him because for

00:28:20.840 some reason, family, when they do some shit, it will drive you way more crazy than friends 0.99

00:28:25.960 do. You know, I mean, my first, my sister, uh, used to, she did one of those things on 0.99

00:28:31.380 Facebook one time where it's like, I'm going to say something I'm thankful for, for the

00:28:33.960 next 700 days. And man, I wanted to speak up. I wanted to say, I feel like that's crazy,

00:28:40.180 but it doesn't matter what I feel, you know? So I'd find a way to embrace it, you know, maybe

00:28:46.780 get a tattoo on your back of him fucking dropping mad tracks, you know? The lamb, boy, the lamb 0.99

00:28:55.480 of Jeezy, boy, you know, he's spitting straight fire wool, you know? So see what you can do

00:29:04.380 there, man, to support him. Just don't take away his hope. I think you can offer him some

00:29:07.240 suggestions if you feel like it or ask him if you want suggestions, but don't fire him

00:29:12.320 off and take away his hope. Maybe see if you could be a background singer. That shit would

00:29:16.160 be hilarious because then you're embracing it. You're part of it. So I'd find a way to embrace 1.00

00:29:21.320 it. If my brother came to me and said he wanted to be a Christian rapper, dude, I would gain 0.98

00:29:27.560 about 150 pounds and put on a core, a dress that them thick, them thick girls, them girls 1.00

00:29:34.820 that got them, you know, them, you know, they got them, them bassists, you know, they got

00:29:42.740 that deep throat, you know, where they can gargle them. They can gargle different sounds

00:29:48.260 down there, you know? And I would put on a big robe and I would support my brother.

00:29:52.300 I'd be hitting them back round. Jesus, we out in this desert. Dang, dang, dang, dang, 0.89

00:30:05.620 dang. Three days, three days later, I'm back, back, back, back. Easter, Easter. Play that

00:30:10.940 backup, baby. You can help him out. Good luck with it. Thanks for calling. Onward, next caller.

00:30:15.720 Hey, what's up, Theo? This is Josh. I'm out here in Charlotte, North Cackalack.

00:30:23.100 Josh in Charlotte, North Cackalacka. That's North Carolina for those of you guys who don't

00:30:26.960 know. Josh, thank you for calling. I'd like to see you come down to the comedy zone here

00:30:31.020 in Charlotte. That'd be cool to see you, man. I've been there before to Charlotte and the

00:30:34.560 only time I was there, I was there for at the comedy zone. I had a good time. I'll be back

00:30:38.620 next year. I don't know the dates, but I saw Cam Newton. I was there for 40 minutes.

00:30:43.580 I'd been in town. I'm sitting on the outdoor patio of a McCormick and Schmicks having me

00:30:49.320 a little salad. Cam Newton went by with a baby carriage, pushing his son. He had a newborn 0.88

00:30:55.480 or had been a few months old and he's pushing the son in a baby carriage. At first, I thought

00:31:00.700 it was a homeless guy because you don't see a lot of adult men at all just pushing a baby

00:31:08.840 carriage by themselves down the street. You also don't see a lot of adult black men. At

00:31:12.580 least, I'm not used to seeing that, pushing a baby carriage down the street. He had on 0.88

00:31:16.340 this kind of a Gucci hat and a scarf. I'm like, dang, this dude might be homeless. But

00:31:23.380 then he got close and I was like, holy shit, this dude is Cam Newton. You never know, man. 0.99

00:31:28.360 You never know when a homeless person might be Cam Newton. You never know when you might

00:31:32.320 be surprised. Onward.

00:31:34.320 Uh, just want to get some advice from you if you could help me with something. I started

00:31:39.320 dating this girl and she's a bit of a squirter. 1.00

00:31:43.360 Oh, okay. So you hitting them, you hitting them waterworks, baby. You passing, uh, you

00:31:49.500 passing, I don't know if it's Baltic Avenue or Marvin Gardens and you hitting them waterworks

00:31:53.440 with the ladies. Okay. Um, you know, this is kind of an edgy topic, but, uh, we're going

00:31:58.940 to try to field it here. Uh, thank you for calling Onward.

00:32:02.000 I always thought that that was cool at first, you know, especially when I see it like in some

00:32:06.000 pornography or something, but. Yeah. Them sprayers, you know, them gunners, you know,

00:32:12.180 remind you of going to the fair when you play that game and you're trying to shoot that thing

00:32:15.320 and get that animal from that old man. And that dude usually probably look like you have 0.93

00:32:19.880 some kind of a skin cancer or lung cancer, but Onward, I know what you're talking about.

00:32:24.040 Man, after a while, it's just getting, I don't know, man, I have to change the sheets all

00:32:28.620 the time. I'm going to the store to get detergent. These people are probably like, this dude's

00:32:34.280 got a lot of clothes or something, you know? Yeah. With detergent and also buying detergent,

00:32:38.900 detergent, a lot of people think you might be cooking it down and doing some kind of new

00:32:41.780 dope. And that's one of the issues I run. Cause I, you know, I've at times in the past,

00:32:46.940 I had me a little bit of an Afrin habit. You know, I get that Afrin and I use the suggested 1.00

00:32:52.180 dose. Now I'm not riding outside of my suggested dose circles, but man, sometime coming around 11

00:32:59.000 o'clock, dude, you know, my hands start fiending for a hit off that Afrin for a hit to, you 1.00

00:33:04.900 know, get my nasal passages sedated. But yeah, I can feel you, man. So you're dealing with

00:33:09.940 a lot of extra laundry, a lot of extra laundry. Cause you got old faithful in the bedroom 1.00

00:33:14.440 onward.

00:33:15.500 But I don't know if you'd give me some advice on that, man. It's just like, it's just a

00:33:21.040 mess, man. And I really liked the girl too, but, uh, all right, man. Have a good one.

00:33:25.940 You know, it's interesting, man, because I met a girl years ago who had, she'd moved

00:33:33.100 to town. She dated one of the Jonas brothers. I don't know which one. There's three of them.

00:33:36.520 I think they all damn look the same. Beautiful young men. From what I remember, I never looked 0.93

00:33:39.980 at them very closely, but this gal, uh, you know, she was, she was really, you know, she

00:33:47.060 had that extra plumbing and some girls, they just got that wild piping where they'd be spraying 1.00

00:33:51.520 out a little. And yeah, at first you're like, oh, this is a party, you know, daddy's here,

00:33:56.980 you know, I'll do it. I'll wash dishes down between this gal's legs, you know, but then 1.00

00:34:01.700 after a while it's, uh, that ain't no joke. You know, that's a, it's a liability, you know, 0.65

00:34:08.880 unless they're, you know, putting extra use to some of that activity, like they're watering

00:34:13.140 plants or, you know, refill on the fishbowl. It can be a bit overwhelming at times, you know,

00:34:20.020 so I don't know what you do cause you don't want to make her feel bad because this is a

00:34:22.700 natural thing. And look, we all have things naturally about us that our loved one or our

00:34:28.540 spouse doesn't like, you know, it could be that you clear your throat or you pick your

00:34:33.180 nose while you drive or that you have a lot of body gas. And sometimes if I don't sleep

00:34:38.200 well, I'll get a little extra body gas. So, you know, I know that I can be, you know,

00:34:42.740 I have things about myself, but maybe find some other ways you guys can be sensual without

00:34:48.380 hitting that gasm, you know, without, uh, you know, Hurricane Harvey stopping by y'all's

00:34:55.900 bedroom every night because that can be wild, you know, so maybe talk to her about it, see

00:35:02.080 how she feels because yeah, otherwise you got to keep a stack of towels there in the bedroom

00:35:06.340 and you got to really sound off. Otherwise, other than that, I'd say make it fun, you know,

00:35:12.680 put a couple of barrels. They used to have this thing, little buckets. They used to have

00:35:15.980 this show called the Bozo Show or something, where if you got a thing in a, you threw these

00:35:20.240 balls, if you got it in a bucket, you got you a Subway sandwich and they'd have children 0.99

00:35:24.500 on there. And this might've just been locally, but they had this guy, Bozo the Clown or somebody,

00:35:29.060 the grand prize game. You throw these ping pong balls at these buckets. If you got it out

00:35:32.580 to the five bucket, then you got you maybe a Subway sandwich for your whole classroom of

00:35:37.160 children. So maybe do that. Maybe make something fun or cute about it. You know, or just make

00:35:42.620 two nights a week where y'all do sex and that's the activity night, you know, and this, you 0.70

00:35:46.880 know, show up prepared, put floaties on, you know, be a baller. You know what I'm saying, 0.95

00:35:52.880 dude? Get that Michael Phelps neck piece, do something, you know, but I think instead of,

00:35:58.260 you know, if you want to keep her and you do care about her, then you're going to have 1.00

00:36:00.700 to find a way to make it comfortable for you and then not talk to her about it in a way

00:36:06.540 that makes it uncomfortable for her. Man, that's a tough one. That is a tough one,

00:36:11.160 man. And if somebody, somebody out there has good advice for this gentleman, you know,

00:36:15.440 about his, uh, about his, uh, damp damsel, if we will, then hit the hotline and let them

00:36:21.580 know. And I'll try to do a follow-up episode this week where, um, where other people can

00:36:25.860 give you, uh, some return advice about that damp damsel and how to handle that. But yeah,

00:36:30.240 that it's interesting because the things you see in pornography, man, you get those things

00:36:34.220 in real life, dude, that's not, it's not the same thing. You know, if like you got a girl 0.95

00:36:39.400 out there, they had this one thing, uh, you know, years ago, some girl was eating, uh,

00:36:43.540 she could eat donut holes with, uh, with her hoo-ha. And yeah, that's great. You know, 1.00

00:36:49.020 that's cool on a, you know, on a brunch, maybe a Sunday brunch, you know, you partying with

00:36:53.540 your new girlfriend, you know, and you having you a little bit of fruit or some, you know,

00:36:57.820 a yogurt and she's doing, she hiding donuts, you know, she calorieing up, but do come, you

00:37:05.380 know, a couple months of that, you having to run to the store all the time and get 0.99

00:37:08.180 donuts and shit. That shit's crazy. And what if her hoo-ha starts to upscale and that 1.00

00:37:13.120 thing wants a butterfinger or a payday, you know, or a hundred grand or a thousand grand

00:37:17.680 that thing starts hiding whatchamacallit and almond joys in its cheeks. Dude, then you're

00:37:22.480 talking, I mean, then you're talking the dark arts. So the things you see in pornography,

00:37:27.180 sometimes they can escalate when you get them in real life, but I would approach it in a

00:37:30.420 way, if you do talk about it with her in a way that's comfortable for her, you know,

00:37:33.920 because you just don't want to make her feel bad because once she starts feeling bad

00:37:36.040 about her body, that's going to be uncomfortable for everybody, man, you know, but good luck,

00:37:40.980 man. I appreciate you calling in about it, brother. You partying out there, dude, wherever

00:37:45.820 you are, North Cackalacka, they partying. All right, next caller, onward.

00:37:51.480 What's up, buddy? This is Nathan from Kansas City.

00:37:54.880 This is Nathan from Kansas City. I just picked your defense in my fantasy football league.

00:37:59.320 I hope they do well. Onward, Nathan.

00:38:02.240 I just had a quick question for you, man. I grew up with two real good friends of mine

00:38:08.580 and we're kind of slowly drifting apart and I believe that they're actually pretty upset

00:38:15.660 with me. Now, I'm not sure what it is that they're upset about, but I would like to sit

00:38:20.480 down man to man and kind of talk it out.

00:38:23.900 Okay, so you grew up with two good friends and they're really upset at you, but you're not

00:38:29.560 sure what they're upset about and you'd like to sit down man to man and talk it out. That's

00:38:35.440 what we got so far. Onward?

00:38:36.900 And they don't answer the phone. They don't respond to text messages. So I'm kind of at

00:38:43.580 a loss of what to do and I'm hoping maybe you could help me out with some advice on this

00:38:49.260 subject here, man. I love the show.

00:38:52.220 All right. Thanks for calling, man. Love the show, man. I appreciate you enjoying it. I

00:38:56.560 love you, brother. You know, I want you to feel good about this, dude, but it sounds like

00:39:00.280 you know they're upset they're calling you. You know they're upset, but you don't know

00:39:06.080 about what. You know, and I don't want to, I don't want to say I don't believe you, man,

00:39:10.800 but you got to have some inkling. You know, if you know they're upset, you know, but you're

00:39:18.580 not sure about what, you probably got to have some inkling, you know, and if they don't want

00:39:23.020 to respond to you right now, then, you know, obviously if it's two of them, you know, they

00:39:28.400 must be really upset about it. So, I mean, I think there's two things here. One, I would

00:39:33.820 just give them some space. You know, maybe they're moving along. Maybe you guys don't even

00:39:37.520 need each other. Maybe, you know, maybe this friendship has run its course. Or two, it

00:39:43.020 sounds like there's a little more to the story. I would own up to whatever happened and go

00:39:48.060 see them face to face and own up 100%. And I wouldn't own up with a but, you know, look, 0.64

00:39:53.320 man, you know, this happened, but I felt this way. I'd leave the but off of it. I would show

00:39:59.340 up, own up to whatever you did personally, and don't ask for like, you know, if you want

00:40:04.260 continued friendship, then say, look, buh, you know, I want to still be friends. I want

00:40:08.500 to still be buddies. You know, I want to still split Kit Kats together. You know, I want to

00:40:13.600 still, you know, sit around and hide dipping our mouths together and do friendship. You

00:40:21.760 know, I want to still sit in a room and have your body heat be in the distance. If you still

00:40:27.820 want those things, then let them know that. But you're also going to have to probably, if

00:40:32.240 there was something you did, you're going to have to, you're going to have to apologize to it. I'd

00:40:35.720 do it man to man. I wouldn't hit the phone lines. I would do it man to man and I wouldn't say any

00:40:39.920 buts. I would just apologize and let them know, look, I'd still like to be friends. You know, adult

00:40:45.320 friendship, dude, this shit's tricky out here because adults, they get busy. Sometimes their wives don't 0.99

00:40:51.400 want them hanging out with other adults. You know, people start getting jealousy happens. You know, you

00:40:57.920 get a new house but your buddy don't have a house yet and he's still out there in an apartment.

00:41:03.180 Jealousy happens, you know. Your buddy loses his leg and you still got two legs and next thing you

00:41:08.580 know, he don't want to talk to you because you, because he thinks you're showing off by having

00:41:13.580 two legs. That's crazy, you know. But adulthood friendship is hard. That's one thing that was

00:41:20.580 fascinating about, about young friendship. To be friends when you were young, all it was,

00:41:24.920 was proximity usually. It's like your best friends, still to this day even, were just usually

00:41:31.060 people that lived near you. That was it. You know, it's not like there was this big friend search

00:41:37.420 where you interviewed thousands of other children when you were a child. It was just, who's nearby?

00:41:42.900 Oh, they are? Boom, boom, friendship. It's, you know, it's like a lot of it's just proximity-based.

00:41:50.180 So, you know, if you value their friendship, then I would make it a man-to-man apology. I

00:41:54.520 wouldn't try it on the phone. I appreciate you for, I appreciate you calling up. Let's

00:41:58.920 hit another call here. We're cruising through some calls, man. And I appreciate you guys

00:42:02.540 calling and hitting the hotline, 985-664-9503. I'm feeling good. I'm trying to get through

00:42:10.260 this. It's 1245 a.m. here on the Pacific Coast time. I got a cool week coming up. We have David

00:42:17.900 Alan Greer coming in on our podcast for Allegedly. Spencer Pratt as well. That episode will be

00:42:24.860 airing this week, I believe, on Allegedly. That's my Hollywood podcast. You can check

00:42:29.140 it out with my wonderful co-host, Matthew Cole Weiss. And we have, who else is coming

00:42:37.240 in? It's rumored, it's rumored that Chris Hansen is supposed to be coming on. So that

00:42:42.960 could be really, really exciting. All right, let's take another call. Here we go.

00:42:47.900 All right, let's take another call. Here we go.

00:42:52.940 Hey, Theo. This is Cody calling from Boulder, Colorado again.

00:42:56.340 This is Cody from Boulder, Colorado. You're up there in the country, up there where they,

00:43:00.500 everybody's eating drugs and stuff up there in the mountains. Thank you for calling.

00:43:04.220 First off, I want to thank you for taking my last call about texting and phone culture.

00:43:08.560 I really enjoyed your poo and the meat Taco Bell story.

00:43:12.060 Yeah, it's a true story. And everybody uses the, that there was feces in the meat in their Taco

00:43:17.020 Bell and their town. But this really happened in my hometown when I was growing up. It really,

00:43:22.740 really happened. And it was alarming. But we made it through it as a community. And it's

00:43:27.320 amazing sometimes what community can overcome together. Let's hear more.

00:43:31.100 And when you said, I don't know if we can go back, related to texting, that really kind 0.99

00:43:37.420 of made me think about some shit. The reason I'm calling this time is about love. I feel 0.95

00:43:42.480 like you don't really talk about that other than like guys trying to blow you. That's

00:43:47.140 really the only thing we've heard. Specifically, I want to talk about monogamy and polygamy.

00:43:52.200 From where I'm at in Boulder, I know in like San Francisco, polygamy is real big.

00:43:57.920 Okay. So from Boulder, he's saying that I don't, he wants to talk about love. He's asking

00:44:04.300 me, you know, I don't talk about love that much except for if fellas is trying to blow

00:44:07.960 me or run my pole. You know, if they're trying to run my pole with the inside of their face.

00:44:12.740 And that is probably in reference to when Andy Dick tried to blow me a few times over there

00:44:16.960 in Shreveport, Louisiana. But onward, I'll hear the rest of this.

00:44:21.980 From where I'm at in Boulder, I know in like San Francisco, polygamy is real big. Personally,

00:44:27.320 I'm just not sure that I can marry the same person for 40 plus years or whatever. So yeah,

00:44:33.140 just curious your thoughts on that. Thanks again for doing what you do, man. You're a freaking

00:44:36.740 legend. Peace. 0.95

00:44:38.220 I appreciate your call, man. I appreciate your previous call and I appreciate this one. I

00:44:41.280 really do. I appreciate everybody that takes time to call in and help because this show

00:44:45.420 goes. It goes because you guys call. You know, my brain, I'm short. I've always had

00:44:50.600 a short, you know, kind of a short brain. You know, I remember they did a CAT scan of

00:44:54.720 me and the man said, you got a short brain. I was like, what the fuck does that mean? 1.00

00:44:58.940 You know, and I got angry with him even though I was just wearing just that one piece in the 0.99

00:45:01.920 hospital where the back is open where anybody could fuck you, you know, which is really, 0.98

00:45:06.020 I think, very scary to put on somebody when they're already alarmed and they're in a 0.99

00:45:09.960 hospital. I mean, I say put them in a full damn ski outfit, but you know, they want 0.93

00:45:15.240 to put you in that thing to scare you even more. And the man said, you got a short brain. 1.00

00:45:19.000 He goes, the, the, the, the, the width of your brain from the bottom to the top is not 0.99

00:45:24.220 very tall. He's, you got a short brain, but that doesn't surprise me. You know, I've always 0.98

00:45:29.160 had, you know, a lot of medical deficiencies or abnormalities. You know, my, my father told

00:45:34.040 me when I was, when I was young that I had the heart of a lesbian, you know, and the man

00:45:38.720 told me, one of the doctors told me when I was a child that, um, that I had the ribcage

00:45:44.460 of large, large cat. Probably I'm thinking, um, mountain, some sort of a mountain cat,

00:45:50.060 probably something you would see up in Boulder maybe. But anyhow, we're talking monogamy

00:45:54.440 and polygamy or monogamy. And can you do it? What's it like these days? You know, I think

00:46:00.540 I wouldn't be surprised if we get more towards a culture where, you know, where marriage isn't 0.67

00:46:07.120 as necessary. You know, and I hate to say it because I want to see, you know, I love

00:46:14.260 the family unit and it's statistically proven across the board that children survive and

00:46:21.540 thrive better when they have two parents in the home. Um, and that's a statistic for every

00:46:28.840 ethnicity. Go look it up. Every ethnicity, you know, and so it's, it's, but it's like,

00:46:35.180 is that what's popular right now? You know, is that what's going on? And I, you know, I

00:46:40.260 don't know. It scares me too, to think, you know, I mean, I've been talking to a gal and

00:46:45.480 I was just talking to her about, you know, how that makes me feel very nervous. And I think

00:46:50.500 part of the nervous thing about being with somebody forever is just the propensity for you

00:46:56.520 to be able to mess up, you know, you know, to, to, to cheat or to, to, to lie or to, you

00:47:06.320 know, to not be a good husband, you know, and that's the scary part. I think of, of monogamy

00:47:11.040 these days, you know, is man built to be able to withstand all this constant barrage with

00:47:15.980 the pornography and the, you know, the Instagram and the titties wandering by, you know, I mean,

00:47:22.320 I, I mean, you open your eye, if you even open your eyes outside, it's like the, everything 0.97

00:47:28.340 has titties on it now, you know, when you start to see them and it's just, there's, there's

00:47:32.280 just a lot of breast work out there that there wasn't, I think years ago, our grandfather, 0.86

00:47:36.940 only time he saw some other breasts, maybe if he went to the store, you know, or if he 0.93

00:47:42.200 even held a soft melon back in the day, you know, if you probably in the 1930s, if he even

00:47:47.040 held a soft melon, that's the only time he really thought of any, of somebody outside

00:47:51.960 of his marriage. When he was checking melons, you know, when he was considering buying fruit,

00:47:56.940 I mean, he'd probably, that used to be the old playboy, probably pulling up to a fruit

00:48:00.300 stand and feeling the different, you know, the plums and the, and the different, you know,

00:48:07.680 honeydews out there and just feeling their softness. I mean, God damn, you put a, you put 0.99

00:48:12.440 a C cup avocado in each one of my hands and I'll, I mean, I will, my penis will mount 1.00

00:48:17.560 up on top of my nuts and it will be erect. So it's wild to think that, that back in the 0.99

00:48:23.420 day that that's all, that's the only stimulation that they had. You know, when I was young,

00:48:27.860 you had the pornography magazines, but you also, a lot of people, I think in our neighborhood 0.97

00:48:32.080 were drawing pictures of vaginas in the dirt. And I don't know if it was just in our neighborhood, 0.92

00:48:36.480 even around town, there was a group or maybe just one person and an artist, I guess you

00:48:40.820 could even call him an artist, you know, or somebody that was trying to do graffiti, but

00:48:44.260 didn't have any paint. And they would just be drawing pictures of vaginas in the dirt 1.00

00:48:48.080 and you'd be wandering around town and just see a vagina in the dirt. And that would always 1.00

00:48:51.880 be a little bit crazy, you know, to see that. And that would make you feel erect and stuff.

00:48:57.180 And you never knew when you were going to see that. But nowadays, yeah, it's like, you

00:49:02.400 know, it's, it's hard to just conserve your sexual energy for one person because there's

00:49:06.520 so many things trying to take it from me nowadays. Polygamy, I don't know. I mean,

00:49:12.240 it sounds like it'd be great, of course, you know, to maybe have a change of pace in your

00:49:17.020 life, you know, but you got to be a great multitasker. Would it be good for the kids?

00:49:23.600 You know, I don't know enough about it, what the effect of polygamy has on children, you 0.91

00:49:27.260 know, when, you know, when you get dad two or three nights a week, you know, when you got

00:49:31.940 your different types of wives. And I mean, I feel sometimes like I have enough love inside

00:49:36.340 of me to, you know, to be able to maybe live in that environment. But is that practical?

00:49:42.720 I don't know. You know, I don't know, man. And I don't talk a lot about my past endeavors,

00:49:48.100 man. I mean, I've had a lot of sexual sexuality over the years, you know, some good and some

00:49:52.280 bad, you know, and I don't really even like sex that much. I'm not real keen on it. You

00:49:57.120 know, people banging their bodies into each other. You know, it's just sometimes it just

00:50:02.940 gets old a little bit. And maybe that's a dour look at sex. And maybe I need to, you

00:50:08.620 know, have to have my chi, you know, reconfigured. You know, I need to take my chi into the chi

00:50:14.900 shop, you know, and remodel my chi. But that's just how I feel sometimes, you know, that after

00:50:22.860 a certain point, also, it's just got to be about more than that to have that connection.

00:50:27.120 But it's a great, you know, I don't think there's a man, you know, every man thinks

00:50:31.820 about it for sure about polygamy. You know, I think it's natural. They say it's natural 0.99

00:50:36.760 to want to mount up and do love and do sex on others. They say it's natural. So it's 0.55

00:50:42.120 your, it's a fight you're in. If you're staying monogamous and you're in a one on one

00:50:46.020 relationship, if you've been in a long term relationship, and you've stayed true in

00:50:51.620 it, I'd love to hear some of the what that feels like, what some of those values are,

00:50:56.420 what do you, what, you know, what are the prizes there that you get emotionally for

00:51:01.180 yourself? What does that feel like, man, if you're out there, you know, or ladies, a 0.96

00:51:06.120 lot of these ladies be running around these days slanging that canal. It's wild out 1.00

00:51:10.560 there. It's definitely wild. What are we, how are we getting on time here, man? I think

00:51:15.240 we're getting a little bit along. Um, I'm actually going to, let's take away, let's take

00:51:21.300 one more call here and see what's happening, man. I want to say this. We got, we got a caller

00:51:29.100 right here.

00:51:32.860 What's up, Theo? Hello, Louisiana boy calling in here from, uh, Shreveport, LA.

00:51:38.960 Shreveport, Louisiana. That's where Andy Dick tried to break me off with them tongue and

00:51:43.680 jowls, you know, on my beddles. Onward.

00:51:46.660 Uh, just calling, calling with some problems that I'm currently having. I graduated high

00:51:54.320 school two years ago.

00:51:56.100 Congratulations. If you graduated high school in Louisiana, congratulations, brother. Not 0.68

00:52:00.520 easy for a lot of people and I appreciate you calling tonight, man. Thank you. Onward.

00:52:04.460 Currently 20 years old. Just going to have some problems with, um, excessive pornography use,

00:52:10.640 lack of motivation to go out and get girls. Uh, I had a few girls, girlfriends in high school, 0.73

00:52:16.640 and, um, and every time I get the opportunity to go hang out with a girl or whatever, I always

00:52:24.160 talk myself out of it, whether it's, you know, kind of insecurity or lack of confidence.

00:52:30.000 All right. I appreciate this, man. I mean, you know, this is an issue that I've struggled

00:52:32.920 with over the years. You know, you're having some issues with pornography and, uh, you were

00:52:36.900 dating in high school, but now you're not dating that much and you're feeling like you

00:52:40.060 might have, um, you know, a lack of motivation to do that, but it sounds like you are interested

00:52:45.260 in women. So, onward. 1.00

00:52:47.780 Because I have in the past, you know, I had girls, I know I can talk to girls, I'm a complete 0.98

00:52:51.680 loser, but I was going to go through some shit right now with that. I was just, you know, 0.98

00:52:57.140 calling to see what your thoughts are on that and how I can kind of pull myself out of this

00:53:02.200 funk.

00:53:02.980 Dude, you can pull yourself right out of that funk. I'm going to tell you that, how to

00:53:05.720 un-funk. Dude, how to un-gunk your funk. How to un-gunk your funk, this is how.

00:53:11.900 So, you got to stop the masturbation. You got to stop the pornography. If you feel like 0.99

00:53:17.120 it's a, if you feel like it's gotten out of control, people that, that, that are just

00:53:24.200 watching it and enjoying it and not, not everybody's calling and saying they feel like it's gotten

00:53:28.480 out of control. So, if you feel that way, it's probably based on something real. You

00:53:33.500 know, that it's become a bad habit. It can probably be a healthy habit for you again one

00:53:37.440 day, but for now, you might want to address it. You know, and some people think I'm crazy.

00:53:41.240 Well, dude, he can jerk off. What does it mean? He can jerk off. This fella just trying 0.99

00:53:45.220 to jerk off. But if he's, he, now he's reaching out and he's, he's, he's not comfortable for 0.99

00:53:50.400 him anymore. Then it's not a fun game for him. You know, yeah, I get it, dude. It's

00:53:55.420 fun. You know, I remember cruising on the interstate and, you know, blasting one out the

00:54:01.060 side of a open van door, you know, but, and that was a blast, dude, but those days are

00:54:07.200 over. And now when you're just doing it at home and it's, and you're not going out and

00:54:11.040 meeting people. So what you got to do is you got to cut it off. Not your wiener, bro, but

00:54:16.560 you just have to stop it. You just got to, you got to find some ways to stop it. You

00:54:19.620 got to find habits. Notice what your habits are whenever you do it and shut it down at

00:54:23.640 night. No electronics late at night. Shut it down. You know, and as you get away from,

00:54:28.080 you get 30 days away from, and I promise you, you'll just start to feel better in your body.

00:54:31.640 You feel more motivated. You'll feel more confident. And I'll even tell you this, man,

00:54:36.960 they got SAA, SAA meetings. And that's, um, it's sexual addiction stuff. And that can be

00:54:44.100 anything, man. It doesn't mean you out there perverting. You know, it doesn't mean you out

00:54:48.560 there peeping, timing, or, you know, being a weirdo. They got them. I'm looking here right

00:54:53.120 here online. They got on, well, they have them on Monday, Thursday, and Friday in Shreveport,

00:54:57.360 Louisiana. So you can check them out. Nobody's going to know that you heard it on here

00:55:01.100 and went. Nobody's going to know anything like that. But go check it out, man. You can hear

00:55:05.160 about it. You can hear other people share what's going on with them. It's recovery, bro. You can

00:55:09.120 get in that and get, and make yourself feel better, dude. You know what I'm saying? Get

00:55:13.360 off that seed gun. Because you're just getting handy with the seed gun, baby. You Wyatt Earp.

00:55:19.360 When you come to your crotch, bro, you are Wyatt Earp. And that's okay, man. You just got to settle 0.98

00:55:25.180 that wild west down. You got to settle that. You got to take the wild out of the west for a while.

00:55:29.140 And I promise you, you'll feel invigorated. You'll feel more confident. You got to let

00:55:33.300 that chi build up. You got to let that chi build up. And I'm telling you that because I know

00:55:38.640 that. You know, I'm telling you that because I know it. And you ain't alone, baby. I've been

00:55:43.160 out in them skeet streets. And I know some people say that I beat this topic to death. Play

00:55:47.980 on words, of course. But look, if you're calling about it and I can share about it, man, then

00:55:53.440 I'm happy to do that. And I appreciate you guys all hitting the hotline. We got one more

00:55:57.280 call right here. But good luck, man. And if you even want to just hit me on the hotline

00:56:00.360 again, I won't put the call on. But, you know, just to let me know what's going on or if you

00:56:04.240 want to talk about it in the future, man, I'm happy to discuss it. But yeah, it's a battle

00:56:09.380 out there, dude. It's a battle out there. If you want to be a man that's not caught up

00:56:13.620 in the dark arts, you know, that's not out there, you know, hiding in the living room

00:56:17.820 while your wife laying in the other room. And you, she's wondering why your sex life is bad 0.89

00:56:23.180 and you out there spraying out, laying down in the tub, trying to be quiet, jacked up 0.99

00:56:28.300 on some porn hub. You know, it's tough, guys. I'm not saying you're not wrong for doing 0.83

00:56:34.340 it, but it's tough. And we're battling that shit. We're better than that. You know, they 1.00

00:56:40.420 create these things to weaken us, to beat us down. You think George Washington was jerking

00:56:45.060 off that night, dude? Hell no. That dude was sharpening his wooden teeth and being ready 1.00

00:56:51.220 for the next day. And they say he just chopped down one cherry tree. I bet that motherfucker

00:56:56.240 chopped down all of them because he showed up. You know, he battled his tough times. Imagine 1.00

00:57:04.060 having termites in your teeth and you still got to wake up and smile. It's tough to be

00:57:09.360 a man these days. They don't want us to be a man. But we're not going to fall down, baby.

00:57:14.280 We're not. We're going to toe the line, man. Good luck to you out there. But you can check

00:57:19.000 out where those meetings are at, at saa.recovery.org. And it doesn't mean you're a creeper or a

00:57:25.940 weirdo, dude. Trust me. The most amazing people you'll meet are in some of these meetings, 0.86

00:57:30.940 dude. Businessmen, professionals, heroes, bruh. Heroes. All right, let's hit one more call

00:57:36.600 here on this hot line. Y'all got me feeling fired up. You know what I'm saying? Fired up.

00:57:42.300 I'm about to swim down to Houston and use my body as a sandbag. Again, you can donate. You can text

00:57:49.560 H-A-R-V-E-Y to 90999. If you can't find a way to help, help like that. Take $10 out of your pocket,

00:57:59.340 put it into somebody else's that can help. J.J. Watt has a great charity that's online. You can hit

00:58:03.380 them up online. Just Google J.J. Watt charity and see what they're doing to help out. Let's do one more

00:58:09.820 call. This call came in from a gentleman. Hey, Theo. I just wanted to thank you for

00:58:15.180 the fresh perspective that this past weekend continually reminds me to stay positive and

00:58:23.600 celebrate living. Just had a little baby girl born three days ago, healthy and happy and gorgeous as

00:58:30.380 ever. I appreciate you doing the Lord's work on the back of that skullet. Brendan Shaw's right. You're

00:58:36.980 about to take the comedy game to a whole new level. Love you, brother. Take care.

00:58:40.920 Love you, too, man. Congratulations, dude. You got that three-day-old baby girl, huh?

00:58:48.240 Look at us, man. That's the support of you. You want to support feminists? That's how we do it. 1.00

00:58:52.860 We're bringing daughters into the world, you know? We're raising them to be good women, 0.82

00:58:58.160 you know, to be confident, to be able to become good mothers. You know, we're trying to lead by

00:59:03.040 example. We might fail at times, but we get back up. And I appreciate that call, man.

00:59:08.880 You know, I really appreciate that call. I appreciate the thank you. Because, yeah, it's tough

00:59:15.440 out here, man. It's tough out here for me. You know, and it's nice when I get to get these calls

00:59:19.080 because, you know, I wish a lot of times that, you know, I'd left out of here to Los Angeles and

00:59:24.100 moved home and had myself a family by now, you know, and had that, you know? And I get, you know,

00:59:31.420 a little bit, you know, a little jealous. So I appreciate you sharing that with me. Makes me feel

00:59:35.860 like I'm a part of something. But, yeah, man, girls, little girls are the cutest, dude. My family

00:59:41.520 was never very close. And then my sister had a baby. When she first had it, I was like, man,

00:59:46.600 I was so angry at her. I'm like, what are you doing? You don't even know about life. You don't

00:59:51.060 know. I was just so judgmental. And then, man, once I got to know this kid, you know, and she's just the

00:59:56.900 light of my life. And now she has two daughters. And, you know, anything they do just brings joy to me.

01:00:02.080 And they brought so much joy to me over the years just by being alive. You know, and little

01:00:06.560 girls are so sweet, man. And so that's, I appreciate you sharing that blessing with us,

01:00:11.140 you know? And that's what it's about, you know? That's what it's about, dude. We're out here trying

01:00:16.600 to help each other out, to remind each other what we can be, boy. We taking this thing. So thank you.

01:00:23.340 I appreciate that call, man. You know, we're trying. We're in this together, dude. We're celebrating

01:00:28.300 living. So hit the hotline. Check out YouTube and check out the new set, man. I'm so thankful

01:00:34.660 to Ken Hyland, one of my producers who helped put this set together for me, man. I am,

01:00:40.920 dude, this is cool. We're doing some cool stuff. We got the Patreon. We can check that out. That

01:00:46.160 should be up by Wednesday. And that is p-a-t-r-e-o-n.com slash Theo Vaughn. And you can support the podcast

01:00:54.540 directly. We're just going to have some small ways you can support and hopefully some other neat ways

01:00:58.280 that people can get involved and become a part of this. But by hitting the hotline, you can become

01:01:02.320 involved. I had a couple more calls on the call list, but I'm not going to get to them because

01:01:05.740 it's 1 a.m. here and I still got to edit this thing and put it up. But again, my heart goes out

01:01:12.520 to everybody in Texas. And, you know, if you have somebody that's down there, even if they're not

01:01:17.740 in Houston, text them. Just let them know you're thinking about them. You know, let them know that

01:01:22.840 just for a minute that we're not thinking about ourselves. That's what we're trying

01:01:26.420 to do. So we're going to celebrate living, man. Happy birthday to that 3-year-old. And

01:01:32.220 thank you for the callers. And I'll talk to you guys soon, man. Finish my coffee. And this

01:01:43.280 is the Spencer Jacob Grau, G-R-A-U band. And that link will be in the YouTube as well.

01:01:49.320 And as well, if anybody has a topic that they'd like to have us address on the podcast, call

01:02:06.680 in and say, hey, this is a topic suggestion. I'd love to know whatever. I mean, that hotline

01:02:11.580 is open. If you call and mess up or whatever, call back. You know, there's no judgment on

01:02:15.420 that. There's no judgment. And thank you for everybody that called and shared some of their

01:02:19.260 thoughts and feelings. I really appreciate it, man. I really, really do. I'm excited today,

01:02:24.920 man. I'm excited. Close this out right here, man. You guys be good to yourselves. I bet you deserve

01:02:52.920 it. I'm going to try. I'm going to try, man. I'm going to try. No promises, but I'm going to try,

01:02:58.000 man. You guys be good. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite

01:03:02.500 Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, standup stories,

01:03:07.800 and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

01:03:14.380 Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

01:03:18.680 You have three new voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been

01:03:25.260 talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else. So great. Hi, sweetheart.

01:03:32.180 Here's a deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. 1.00

01:03:37.460 Jermaine. Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry. 0.99

01:03:42.340 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken. I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me.

01:03:49.340 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell

01:03:55.640 everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or

01:04:01.620 watch us on YouTube. Yeah. And yes, don't worry. My Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - August 28, 2017

8-28-17 ｜ This Past Weekend #39

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