This Past Weekend with Theo Von - Birth Sensations ｜ This Past Weekend #81

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00:01:39.560 Man, today's my birthday, man.

00:01:41.460 So I'm excited to be here and I'm excited to spend it with you guys.

00:01:44.640 And I got this beautiful hit that came in from my boy, Tiny Sand Who.

00:01:49.680 Let's go.

00:01:50.540 Man, today's my birthday.

00:02:16.500 Man, today's my birthday.

00:02:18.300 That's Tiny out there licking. 0.51

00:02:30.660 Man, he licking, he licking them strings. 1.00

00:02:36.420 He's a dirty man. 1.00

00:02:37.640 That's a Boneyard cover by Mr. Tiny Sandhu. 1.00

00:02:49.560 And some people, if you are new to this past weekend, you don't know that Tiny Sandhu is just a figure.

00:02:55.000 He hit me up on the email, and he's sending these wild riffs.

00:02:58.800 And that's one of his dirty pieces right there.

00:03:00.640 That's Tiny Sandhu busting something naughty for everybody.

00:03:04.020 Everybody that's a decent person.

00:03:05.980 And you know what, man?

00:03:07.400 That's not enough for me, man.

00:03:08.780 Today's my birthday.

00:03:10.020 I want this, man.

00:03:11.100 I want to catch this hit, too.

00:03:12.240 Let's go.

00:03:16.480 There you go, huh?

00:03:18.280 Send in them choppers, boy.

00:03:20.440 Because we got people in the water.

00:03:34.620 Hug your hamster tight.

00:03:36.920 Hug your cousin, boy. 1.00

00:03:40.300 If they cute, fucking touch they ass a little. 1.00

00:03:43.380 This is America. 1.00

00:03:44.100 What's up, you little Christmas tampons?

00:04:01.620 How you guys living, huh?

00:04:03.500 You been drinking your own bath water?

00:04:06.000 Huh?

00:04:06.940 You been saving food in your teeth overnight and eating it in the morning?

00:04:10.260 You ever do that?

00:04:11.620 Have that little rise and shine snack hiding behind one of your molars?

00:04:15.380 You bust that little hoe out? 1.00

00:04:17.640 Throw it down your gullet? 0.94

00:04:20.060 Oh, that's savage. 0.92

00:04:20.980 That's a savage way to start your day.

00:04:23.280 I'm happy to be here today with you guys.

00:04:26.060 I'm grateful to be here today with you guys.

00:04:28.440 Today is my birthday, you know, and I am 38 years old.

00:04:35.500 I'm 38.

00:04:37.280 I'm coming in 38 hot years.

00:04:39.360 You know, I want to thank my mother.

00:04:41.240 I want to thank, you know, my father, a 70-year-old man.

00:04:45.820 Think about that.

00:04:46.440 A 70-year-old man busted a strong one, boy.

00:04:51.260 You know, my father was born in 1910.

00:04:54.100 My grandfather was born in 1880.

00:04:56.740 So, you know, I'm coming out of those wagon wheel genetics.

00:05:00.160 You know, I'm coming back from the, you know, the days when children used to play with wooden dolls.

00:05:05.860 You know, and if they put a, and sometimes if they, if a tooth fell out of their mouth and they put it under their pillow,

00:05:11.540 somebody else in the family would steal it and try to install it into their mouth.

00:05:15.380 You know, I come from them type of times.

00:05:18.320 And, you know, that's just some of what's in my DNA, some history.

00:05:22.660 And I am just grateful, man.

00:05:24.780 I'm grateful that that bust happened.

00:05:27.140 You know, because I'm a product of a nut.

00:05:29.640 That's all we are.

00:05:30.620 I mean, we're a product of that, of a sensation.

00:05:33.400 Isn't that interesting to think?

00:05:34.660 Sometimes, you know, sometimes I forget that.

00:05:37.140 Sometimes I forget that I'm the, that I am, a sensation happened.

00:05:42.080 Just a, and that's how, and then I began.

00:05:46.920 And we all began off of a sensation.

00:05:50.780 You know, and that's one of the things that I'm learning more and more that keeps me alive.

00:05:54.080 Is, is, is finding feelings that are good.

00:06:01.040 Because a lot of my life I spent just swimming in these circles of dirty water.

00:06:05.640 You know, of ill feelings and just, you know, it's like when you, it's like when you just, speaking of bath water, it's like when you stay in your own bath water too long.

00:06:15.840 You know, sometime if you lay in the tub and you soak, it feels good.

00:06:18.980 But after about 45 minutes, dude, you don't even realize you might have, you know, busted a quart of urine in there.

00:06:25.900 Who knows?

00:06:27.180 Your hair is, it's just all just oil on the top and you're still sitting in there.

00:06:30.820 And that's where I spent a lot of my life, just wasting my time, you know.

00:06:37.020 But now I'm looking to live on the same level of where I was created.

00:06:45.560 Searching for sensation.

00:06:48.040 I want to feel something.

00:06:50.160 You know, I want to feel something.

00:06:52.680 And a long time in my life, I did not want to do that.

00:06:56.640 But today, man, I'm here to feel.

00:06:58.380 I'm going to take another little stab at this.

00:07:00.820 It's that Boneyard by Tiny.

00:07:06.320 And I'm going to switch it on you.

00:07:08.900 This one just gets me today.

00:07:12.360 That's that hitter. 0.95

00:07:19.120 I don't even know who made that for me.

00:07:25.720 I can't remember.

00:07:26.220 I'll have to go back and check.

00:07:26.920 And I'm sorry to not cite them.

00:07:28.800 I think it could have been Brad Levine.

00:07:31.500 It could have been Jesse Lucero.

00:07:35.080 I'm not sure.

00:07:35.600 But it's a sweet beat and I appreciate it.

00:07:37.500 And I consider that a gift for my birthday.

00:07:39.480 And thank you very much.

00:07:41.820 Happy birthday to you if it's your birthday out there.

00:07:44.700 You know, or happy day to you.

00:07:46.360 Whatever it is.

00:07:47.120 Today is the day that we have.

00:07:49.580 You know, today is the day that we have.

00:07:52.320 We're going to make the most out of it.

00:07:54.660 You know, all these Irish. 1.00

00:07:55.720 I'm sure a lot of Irish people are recovering.

00:07:58.220 You guys had that St. Patrick's Day.

00:08:02.260 And I spent, I just got back from Tacoma and Spokane up there in Washington in that Pacific Northwest.

00:08:08.340 And, you know, I really liked those areas.

00:08:11.820 Especially, I mean, Tacoma I've been to before.

00:08:14.440 People came out.

00:08:15.080 We sold out the shows.

00:08:16.180 Man, you know, this is like the first time, you know, in my career that I feel like I've had, you know,

00:08:25.520 and I don't want to say fans, but I feel like I've just had, you know, a lot of love coming out.

00:08:30.300 You know, and no bullshit in the audience.

00:08:32.860 No people, you know, ruining the show or being too selfish or, you know, we're just there and we're having a good time.

00:08:40.280 And, man, I just felt so accepted.

00:08:43.700 And I want to thank everybody over there in Tacoma.

00:08:46.420 You know, Tacoma, it's out there on the, it's that, you know, it's that sixth finger of Seattle.

00:08:53.540 And it, you know, it just, Seattle tries to hide it off in the suburbs like it's not a real place, but Tacoma's out there.

00:09:01.340 You know, Tacoma, you can go over there.

00:09:03.180 And they got the, they call it the Tacoma aroma in the air.

00:09:06.240 Because somebody, they said in the distance, they're having like a, they're built, you know, making stacks of paper. 0.98

00:09:11.300 They got a paper mill or people are burning shit or whatever. 0.95

00:09:13.740 I don't know. 0.99

00:09:15.020 But they got that scent in the air.

00:09:17.680 But I like that.

00:09:19.140 Come over here to Tacoma, get a hit.

00:09:20.780 Get a whiff off of that, off of that universe. 1.00

00:09:24.460 People over there in Seattle, y'all petting salmon and doing all of this shit. 0.98

00:09:29.100 You know, and hiding, you know, hiding granola and putting, you know, you know, whale tears, suppositories into baby's asses and doing all this futuristic, you know, lifestyle stuff. 0.99

00:09:43.880 You know, wrapping your cousin in kale and hiding them in a fucking sand pit or something for a couple hours so that their skin will look nice. 0.98

00:09:53.300 You go to Tacoma, boy, anything is, anything will happen. 0.99

00:09:57.000 I was leaving the comedy club.

00:09:59.440 There was some drunk lady. 1.00

00:10:00.820 She ran into a truck, right, walking. 1.00

00:10:03.980 Then she fucking started fist fighting. 1.00

00:10:06.360 She started fist fighting a dang Dodge Ram. 1.00

00:10:09.560 So that's what's going on, real shit over there in Tacoma. 0.99

00:10:14.600 And I got out there to Spokane. 0.98

00:10:16.100 And Spokane, it's almost like, it's like the Midwest and the Northwest.

00:10:20.400 If you've been to Peoria, Illinois or somewhere like that, you know, you know, or a place where you just feel a little bit of Americana, it's right there in Spokane.

00:10:29.900 And I had a great time, and I want to thank those people for coming out.

00:10:33.560 Thank you so much.

00:10:34.980 And it was St. Paddy's Day over there in Spokane. 0.59

00:10:36.860 And I'm going to say this, you know, St. Paddy's Day, if you want to, it's like the one day a year as a man, if you aren't gay, that you could be gay.

00:10:49.540 I've never seen so many dudes, and I think I talked about this last St. Patrick's Day, kissing each other just because they got a green shirt on.

00:10:58.920 It's like, oh, hey, you know, like men just drink all that day drink and make you kiss another man.

00:11:08.100 And everybody's saying no, but everybody's thinking, well, maybe.

00:11:12.180 And especially St. Patrick's Day.

00:11:14.400 Everybody got a shirt, kiss me, I'm Irish.

00:11:16.460 And I saw at least 20 men, you know, 10 pairs of two men, you know, 40 lips, just hit each other head-on, just that head-on collision of lips.

00:11:32.200 And they were just all in the name of Ireland, I guess, and alcoholism.

00:11:36.340 People wearing kilts, men wearing skirts, showing up wearing beads and skirts, kissing other men because everybody's Irish all of a sudden. 0.99

00:11:47.440 You know, and so that's the gateway. 0.54

00:11:48.800 I mean, that's, if you want to be gay, you know, how Irish do you want to get? 1.00

00:11:52.980 You want to duck off over here behind this Subaru and fucking touch each other's warm kneecaps? 1.00

00:11:59.180 How Irish you want to get? 1.00

00:12:00.700 Because I saw some adult men with families getting real Irish. 0.80

00:12:06.940 You know, I'm talking about behind the Shonies kind of Irish. 1.00

00:12:10.860 Because when I was young, they would have a lot of straight men would meet up behind the Shonies and, you know, jerk each other off and do stuff like that. 1.00

00:12:17.980 And then go back to their families.

00:12:20.900 Because when I was young, you couldn't just, you know, it wasn't as, people who were gay couldn't openly be gay.

00:12:26.320 And, you know, I think about that struggle sometimes or what the, could you imagine being something and not being able to be it?

00:12:35.240 That's, I mean, it's just, I couldn't imagine what that, you know, that pain of that.

00:12:39.700 But then there was probably for a lot of gay men, there was that one day.

00:12:43.820 Oh, here it comes.

00:12:44.940 Put it on the calendar.

00:12:46.260 March 17th. 1.00

00:12:48.260 When all I got to do is put on a green shirt and I can gay the fuck out. 0.99

00:12:53.400 Without any judgment. 0.99

00:12:54.560 And look, man, I saw it in Tacoma.

00:12:58.400 You think they are in Spokane.

00:13:00.000 You think these men out there, they hard heads and they living like this and that.

00:13:03.980 They got three and four children.

00:13:06.500 But they see, they, suddenly they see another man who's looking hella Irish. 0.97

00:13:11.300 And all of a sudden, I saw these two men just kiss face to face.

00:13:15.200 And they could have been family.

00:13:16.720 That's another thing.

00:13:17.480 You got a hot cousin. 0.97

00:13:18.920 You think your stepdaddy's cute?

00:13:20.780 It's March 17th. 1.00

00:13:22.560 Fucking slide him a note. 0.99

00:13:23.940 Check yes or no, Papa. 0.99

00:13:26.320 You know, that's the day.

00:13:28.420 It should just be the day where anything goes.

00:13:31.080 That's what they should start calling it.

00:13:33.640 You know, let's get Irish. 0.53

00:13:35.880 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:13:36.740 If you're a lady and you want to, you know, you want to touch somebody up in the vulva, do your thing. 0.98

00:13:42.640 Do that digit dance, you know? 0.96

00:13:44.600 Get your carpals out. 0.99

00:13:45.700 Get your carpals out and go through that brief filing cabinet.

00:13:50.760 Do a little bit of a giling.

00:13:52.220 You know what I'm saying, boy?

00:13:53.680 They only got two folders in that cabinet, boo-boo.

00:13:55.980 But people are getting hella Irish, man. 0.99

00:14:00.560 And, you know, and it's a joyous day.

00:14:02.820 And that's one thing, you know, I don't drink right now in my life.

00:14:05.720 And that's one thing I miss is I do miss some day drinking.

00:14:09.240 Because anything could happen when you're day drinking.

00:14:11.260 Somebody jerk you off in a truck. 0.98

00:14:14.720 You jerk yourself off somewhere. 1.00

00:14:17.460 It's daytime. 0.99

00:14:19.920 You know, it's like the wolves are out.

00:14:21.240 It's almost like a full moon.

00:14:23.600 But all day long.

00:14:26.180 And that's what always St. Paddy's was for me.

00:14:29.200 That's what St. Paddy's was for me, man.

00:14:31.000 It was fun.

00:14:31.960 Eating chowder and drinking beer and people puking.

00:14:35.540 Adults crying.

00:14:37.980 Man, I saw this one lady. 1.00

00:14:40.060 She was probably 37. 1.00

00:14:42.620 Just, you know, when you're crying so much.

00:14:46.600 And she was trying to eat some.

00:14:48.040 What did she have?

00:14:48.660 A bag of, what are those chips?

00:14:51.540 Those, they are like these little hats.

00:14:55.380 These chips, they look like little bitty hats.

00:14:57.780 Like you could put them on your finger and make five little hats.

00:15:00.840 Or if they had a gnome and he was wearing like a little corn hat. 0.89

00:15:04.640 You know, or a dunce. 0.64

00:15:05.920 You know, like if someone, if they used to have these dunce hats, 0.95

00:15:09.080 they were real tall V-neck looking hats.

00:15:11.720 Upside down V's, you know, hats. 0.97

00:15:15.080 And if you were like a dunce, they would make you wear this dunce hat. 0.96

00:15:18.840 But these little, what are they called? 0.97

00:15:20.500 Bugles.

00:15:21.800 Bugles chips.

00:15:22.540 And this lady had a sack of Bugles. 1.00

00:15:25.840 And I don't know if you ever had these Bugles chips, but they absorb all the moisture in your mouth.

00:15:30.960 So they dry you out.

00:15:32.660 And this lady, boy, she was on, she was on some, I mean, she was making salt water. 1.00

00:15:40.820 She was making salt water up there. 0.65

00:15:43.080 She was just salinating out of her face.

00:15:45.500 Just, just wasted and crying.

00:15:48.120 And that's something I love to see on St. Pat.

00:15:50.040 I mean, I don't want to, you know, I don't want that lady to have this pain or whatever she's going through, 1.00

00:15:52.900 but it's alcohol induced.

00:15:54.220 You know, she had on that big pink lipstick and all these different necklaces, you know, 0.99

00:15:59.240 kiss me, I'm Irish. 1.00

00:16:00.580 Fuck me, I'm Irish. 1.00

00:16:02.660 You know, help me raise my kids, I'm Irish. 1.00

00:16:06.700 I mean, she was getting out there extensively with some of her ideas, you know, based on the,

00:16:11.440 on the country, on this, on this little island of Britain or Ireland.

00:16:16.000 I don't know if it's an island.

00:16:16.860 I don't know.

00:16:17.860 Ireland, island.

00:16:19.000 I could easily see somebody get confused and think they live in Jamaica, but everybody's white, you know. 0.98

00:16:25.840 But, but yeah, this lady was bursting. 1.00

00:16:28.900 She was just, just crying, just drunk crying and trying to eat these bugles at the same time. 0.97

00:16:37.100 I mean, at one point, at one point, I swear she was kind of dipping the bugles in her tears

00:16:42.320 so she would have enough moisture to get them bugles down her, you know, down her gullet. 1.00

00:16:47.980 To gullet them bugles. 0.83

00:16:50.660 And that was, you know, that's Spokane, baby.

00:16:55.820 People set it off and people came out.

00:16:58.280 We had a great time, man.

00:16:59.600 We had a great time over there in Spokane.

00:17:01.820 But yeah, if you, I think I, you know, we should just say St. Paddy's Day is the one day 0.98

00:17:05.860 where if you're trying to bust a nut on somebody that's got the same genitalia as you, 0.99

00:17:11.860 then you gone. 0.99

00:17:13.100 Because to me, it gets more and more.

00:17:16.260 It's not really green.

00:17:17.240 It's more, a little more, it's got a little more rainbow in it. 0.93

00:17:20.120 And you, you'd see a lot of gay men.

00:17:21.900 I remember last year in New Orleans, I was doing St. Patrick's Day down there with two

00:17:25.740 of my good buddies.

00:17:26.420 And you would see a lot of men, a lot of gay men out there, you know, trying to dress 1.00

00:17:31.080 real straight, you know, wearing like, you know, Beavis and Butthead t-shirts or, you

00:17:38.760 know, wearing, you know, wearing, you know, not turtlenecks, you know, not looking real

00:17:46.120 gay or wearing like kind of gay attire. 0.73

00:17:49.840 And I know that, you know, that's kind of a generalization. 1.00

00:17:51.900 I'm not trying to say gay people look one way or whatever, but you know what the fuck 1.00

00:17:54.800 I'm talking about, you know, if you had, if you had, if you put a tracker on all the 0.99

00:17:59.440 turtlenecks in America, most of them would end up on probably most of those trackers would

00:18:05.140 lead you to the homes of gay men or Italians probably, you know, or male librarians.

00:18:12.140 So I'm just, I'm playing the odds here, but they had a lot of, you know, you'd see a lot

00:18:18.500 of these men trying to look real straight, you know, wearing like NASCAR t-shirts and 0.90

00:18:22.840 shit, but also with the Irish beads, I'm Irish, just trying to fricking lock, just trying to 0.97

00:18:28.880 lock lips with some straight men who were out there letting their feelings loose, you know, 1.00

00:18:34.780 and that's how it happens.

00:18:35.700 Next thing you know, boy, next thing you know, your leg hair is all tangled up with another

00:18:40.480 man's leg hair and that's the bit, you know, like, you know, I've never felt an attraction

00:18:46.980 to men, you know, sensually, you know, I have felt an attraction to men in the sense that

00:18:53.020 I wanted more of a brotherhood in my life and I wanted to have more male friends, but

00:18:58.400 I never felt that sensual attraction.

00:19:01.460 And I think it's just like, cause when I think about laying in bed with another man, the sex

00:19:08.140 part, I mean, you know what I'm saying?

00:19:11.000 You could wear a blindfold or, you know, put on like some rodeo music.

00:19:15.780 I mean, you could do some things maybe to get through some of the sexualness, but then

00:19:20.120 to lay there and feel your leg hair tangle up with another man's leg hair, dude, that's

00:19:26.640 when I'm out.

00:19:27.740 That ain't the, you know, that's when I know that for me at this point in my life, that's

00:19:32.700 not the road I'm looking to get down.

00:19:34.140 You know, cause what if you have real strong leg hair and your legs get locked up next

00:19:38.660 to each other and your hair, just leg hairs all tangled up, you know, that's, that's, that's

00:19:45.920 something out there.

00:19:46.640 That's real Irish. 0.90

00:19:47.680 That's super, that is, that's Irish.

00:19:50.700 You know, that is Irish, but I'm happy to be here with you guys, man.

00:19:54.860 We had some nice people that came out in both of those cities.

00:19:57.780 Uh, this was a call that came from Tacoma.

00:19:59.440 I'm just going to play it.

00:20:00.180 I'm going to keep going with things that are going on in my head.

00:20:02.040 I just want you, uh, I just want to, I want to include other people in this pod today.

00:20:05.420 Here we go.

00:20:06.680 Hey, what's up, Theo?

00:20:08.200 This is Jacob from Washington.

00:20:11.060 Me and my girlfriend, we came out in Tacoma on Friday at eight.

00:20:14.820 Man, I just want to say we had a great time, dude.

00:20:17.840 Thanks for coming out, Jacob.

00:20:18.980 And thanks for bringing your lady.

00:20:20.480 You know, I did see a lot of couples that came out and a lot of couples that listened to

00:20:24.200 the podcast together.

00:20:25.240 And that's pretty cool.

00:20:26.100 You know, like, I mean, I don't know.

00:20:30.020 I think that's a special thing.

00:20:31.560 You know, there's something special when you have somebody that you care about and you,

00:20:35.480 uh, and you just do things together.

00:20:38.920 Whether it's a podcast or, you know, whether you, you know, split them, you got a little

00:20:44.660 bit of milk left in a jug and you, maybe you pour a little bit more in your girl's bowl

00:20:48.560 when you, you know, when you cut yours with water.

00:20:50.740 You know, so you got that, that lean milk in yours, but, and it doesn't even look like

00:20:55.540 milk.

00:20:55.840 It looks a little squirrely, you know, it looks like, uh, something that might've came 0.99

00:20:59.280 out of a fucking weak ferret or something. 0.96

00:21:01.740 But, you know, and you sit there and you eat cereal together, you consume a podcast together, 1.00

00:21:05.680 something special.

00:21:06.320 And I saw a lot of couples.

00:21:07.780 I see a lot of couples and I'm grateful for that.

00:21:09.680 I appreciate it.

00:21:10.520 Let's hear more, Jacob. 0.98

00:21:12.140 You are so fucking fine. 0.97

00:21:15.060 I drove home to stomach hurting from laughing so much, man. 0.95

00:21:18.200 Thanks, man.

00:21:19.520 I appreciate it, man.

00:21:20.340 We had some good times, dude.

00:21:21.560 It was fun.

00:21:22.540 It was a lot of fun.

00:21:23.700 But, um, yeah, man, I don't know if you noticed there was a pregnant lady there and you made 1.00

00:21:28.460 a joke about, um, that we're waiting for hot dogs instead of saving a baby and dude, she 0.98

00:21:34.180 was laughing so hard.

00:21:35.880 I thought she was about to give birth right there, man. 1.00

00:21:37.760 I thought you were going to do some premature, uh, childbirth and that was wild. 1.00

00:21:44.600 Wow.

00:21:45.080 So they had a pregnant lady out there, he said.

00:21:47.280 And thanks, man.

00:21:47.920 I didn't see her, you know, and usually I spot them, boy.

00:21:50.760 I, you know what I'm saying?

00:21:51.240 I used to do a little whale watching.

00:21:53.180 That's what I call it.

00:21:55.000 And, um, and usually, yeah, if you see that pregnant lady out there, you know what? 1.00

00:22:00.560 I'm not saying pregnant women's is whales.

00:22:02.840 You know, I ain't saying, but I'm saying that they caught that Moby Dick at one point

00:22:06.760 and now they gestating and now they hiding little humans.

00:22:10.380 Now they playing that hide and go, that hide and go seek game, but they got to count for 1.00

00:22:14.540 nine months before they find that little motherfucker between their legs. 1.00

00:22:18.440 And I didn't see that, but that would be amazing. 1.00

00:22:21.060 You know, if somebody, you know, you hit them with that right joke and then they squirrel

00:22:24.440 out, you know, they squirrel out.

00:22:26.760 And next thing you know, they got to buy another ticket because they got one more person sitting

00:22:31.360 at their table. 0.98

00:22:31.900 Um, I did speak, you know, I mean, this is already, damn dude, a lot of these episodes 0.99

00:22:37.540 get a little bit gay, bro. 0.99

00:22:38.660 But you know what? 0.98

00:22:39.200 That's life. 0.97

00:22:40.120 Sometimes life gets gay. 0.97

00:22:42.280 Sometimes life gets gay. 0.96

00:22:45.080 You know, I got hit by, uh, two gay men one time and they were, they hit me in a car and 0.80

00:22:50.920 you want to talk about things just being straight.

00:22:52.640 Suddenly I'm in my world, chilling, riding, you know, maybe listening to some Alice in Chains

00:22:57.200 or some, um, um, TLC or something when everybody was alive.

00:23:03.480 And then suddenly bang, bang.

00:23:06.300 And now these two dudes were outside of the car, man.

00:23:08.920 And they, bro, if I had a dollar for every time these two gentlemen touched me on the

00:23:13.160 shoulder to ask me if I was okay, bro, I have about probably $16.

00:23:17.980 Uh, but I, what I was getting at was one time I told a joke and some guy, you know, blesses

00:23:24.560 hard, he laughed so hard he just came out of the closet in front of his buddies.

00:23:27.960 He was just like, I'm gay. 1.00

00:23:32.620 And his boys are like, what the fuck, Anthony? 1.00

00:23:36.640 Dude, have another drink, you know, this ain't, this ain't St. Patrick's day. 0.99

00:23:43.160 But I thank you for calling Jacob from Tacoma.

00:23:45.100 We have one more call that came from Spokane from, um, from somebody in the audience.

00:23:48.220 And these are nice, man.

00:23:49.000 I appreciate this.

00:23:49.640 I don't, you know, these were just people that hit up the hotline.

00:23:52.100 Here we go.

00:23:53.160 Hey Theo, this is Natasha.

00:23:54.560 I'm from Spokane.

00:23:56.040 I, uh, brought a bunch of friends out to the show tonight.

00:23:58.560 For a lot of them, it was the first exposure to your comedy and we all had an absolute blast.

00:24:03.240 So thank you for coming out.

00:24:04.980 I, uh, I can't imagine that a rainy St. Patrick's day is the best first impression of the city,

00:24:09.900 but, uh, hope you felt welcome and let's have you back soon.

00:24:13.820 Thanks, Natasha.

00:24:14.620 That was really sweet of you.

00:24:16.360 You know, and I'm keeping things sweet on my birthday.

00:24:18.400 I'm keeping things sweet.

00:24:19.420 You know, I got a, uh, you know, I know last episode, I got a little bit down in the dumps

00:24:25.040 about, you know, some of my career and stuff like that and where things are and what's going

00:24:28.580 on in this industry.

00:24:29.640 And, you know, I just, I kind of was just, you know, I was kind of just, it was just self-pity really.

00:24:37.300 You know, it was just self-pity because all I can do really is, you know, and I got an

00:24:43.220 email from, um, a burlesque.

00:24:45.680 I got a friend that does burlesque down there in New Orleans and you can follow him.

00:24:49.320 I think on Instagram, it's called bust out burlesque and they, um, and, you know, and

00:24:55.280 she hit me up and she said, look, you know, things are going on. 1.00

00:24:58.860 That's what's going on, but you just got to do your shit. 1.00

00:25:02.100 You know, you got to do your shit. 1.00

00:25:03.940 And I appreciated that. 1.00

00:25:05.060 I needed to hear that.

00:25:05.960 I needed to hear that.

00:25:07.380 You know, I needed to hear that if I don't stay positive, then my work, then my environment

00:25:10.440 isn't positive.

00:25:11.760 You know, I can't keep things classy around me if I'm not trying to show up classy.

00:25:17.160 And I know I'm going to have my moments, you know, and we all are, we're going to have our

00:25:20.520 moments where, you know, we, we can't do it every day, but if five out of seven days I

00:25:28.720 can do it, then I win that week.

00:25:30.980 And I appreciated that message.

00:25:33.100 But Natasha, back to your call.

00:25:34.480 I had a great time.

00:25:35.960 You know, I have a great time in places where, cause it felt, you know, Spokane feels like

00:25:41.580 a real place.

00:25:43.560 You know, right when I get there, I went for a walk just to, you know, catch the vibe,

00:25:48.920 see what was going on.

00:25:50.900 You know, I went, we went over to a park and they had a huge, the biggest red wagon, this

00:25:55.900 radio flyer wagon was up.

00:25:57.700 Somebody put it up there and they put it in a, in a park and it's huge.

00:26:01.500 It was one of the neatest things I've ever seen for children and they, you know, and

00:26:06.520 the kids can climb up the back.

00:26:07.800 And I'm talking, this thing's 20 feet off the ground, maybe 18 feet off the ground.

00:26:12.500 It's 20 feet, man.

00:26:13.380 It's big.

00:26:14.320 This thing is huge.

00:26:15.060 I put it on my Instagram.

00:26:16.220 It's huge.

00:26:16.880 It was, it was, it was the most unique thing I'd ever seen in a park for children.

00:26:21.760 And then the handle of this big radio flyer wagon, the handle of it is the slide.

00:26:27.860 So kids are just sliding down that thing.

00:26:30.680 And I noticed right when I got there, a couple of kids, this one kid, he probably was, I mean,

00:26:35.040 this kid couldn't have been, but about 17 months old. 0.98

00:26:37.500 He fucking hit that slide himself and he just busted right off in. 0.98

00:26:41.720 I mean, he skipped off the dirt, off the end of it, just skipped across the dirt like 0.99

00:26:44.860 a rock.

00:26:46.540 And it was probably about six seconds for us.

00:26:48.660 Our family member came and picked him up.

00:26:50.140 And you know what I thought to myself? 0.99

00:26:53.280 I fucking love this town. 0.97

00:26:55.840 Cause that's where I'm from. 0.99

00:26:56.880 I'm not from where somebody, you know, you sitting there and they got nine family members,

00:27:01.060 everybody wearing Patagonia and everybody wearing, you know, specialty perfumes and colognes.

00:27:06.480 And your daddy smells like France every day. 0.96

00:27:08.980 And everybody's catching you at the bottom of the slide.

00:27:12.120 I'm from that place where you get to the bottom of the slide.

00:27:15.660 That's when you find out who's at the bottom of the slide.

00:27:19.400 That's when you find out what your local earth tastes like.

00:27:23.240 When you get ahead of that nature, boy. 0.99

00:27:24.960 And this 17 month old man, this little dude, he looked fucking German, bro. 0.91

00:27:30.820 He had good posture, but he popped off that thing and skipped off the ground about six 0.98

00:27:35.120 times.

00:27:36.500 Just like a, just like a, I mean, just, just like a, just like a little rock, you know,

00:27:43.260 just like a little white, you know, Eastern Europe, just like a little white European rock.

00:27:50.500 He just skipped across that dirt.

00:27:52.340 And I said, I love this place. 0.87

00:27:53.860 There was people out there smoking cigarettes, but no children, obviously probably pedophiles,

00:27:59.600 people filing out there looking around one, because once you got up into the wagon, it's

00:28:04.040 a huge, it was a huge wagon up top.

00:28:05.760 It was just like 50, 60 feet by like 20 feet where there's just, you look like there's

00:28:11.260 about 60 kids up there and it's some adults.

00:28:14.120 And they had this one man, no children.

00:28:17.840 You know what I'm saying?

00:28:18.680 Not a cool look.

00:28:20.440 You know what I'm saying?

00:28:21.060 If you want to get lonely, get lonely around adults.

00:28:23.820 That's one of my rules.

00:28:24.880 And that's one of the rules here on this past weekend.

00:28:27.540 We don't get lonely around children because it's not fair to them because we, that's when 0.84

00:28:32.180 shit things happen, you know, so I don't mean to say that kind of stuff, but that's what's 0.82

00:28:38.100 going on. 0.99

00:28:40.020 What else, man?

00:28:41.280 What else happened this weekend?

00:28:43.020 You know, I went out there, I had a good time.

00:28:47.040 It's my birthday.

00:28:49.600 You know, last week I was, this week I was talking on stage actually about, you know, my

00:28:57.160 father, I talked about it last week, the first funeral ever went to.

00:29:00.300 And it was, you know, it was, it was really, really sad, you know, and, and then the more

00:29:09.440 I got to thinking about it, I, I remember when I was really young though, I had gone

00:29:12.700 to another, a service in our town.

00:29:15.880 And I guess, you know, I don't know if at the time I realized it was a funeral, I was

00:29:18.840 too young to know what was going on.

00:29:21.640 And I was probably seven or something.

00:29:24.400 And my father, my mother was out of town.

00:29:27.360 You know, my mother would do, would, you know, travel and do deliveries and stuff regionally. 0.99

00:29:32.340 So, you know, she would have to get out and do, you know, deliveries. 1.00

00:29:36.020 She worked for, um, you know, she delivered, uh, newspapers and magazines.

00:29:41.780 She delivered, um, you know, things to gas stations, anything they would sell at a gas 0.98

00:29:46.360 station, anything from a light non-food items.

00:29:48.580 So anything from a lighter to, you know, sometimes they would have like birthday cards and stuff 0.99

00:29:53.400 in there, um, little, you know, those little fart maker things, any type of weird shit, man. 0.75

00:29:59.740 My mother was running it around, you know, and, uh, you know, and, uh, sorry, I just, yeah, 0.96

00:30:08.980 it's just, you know, that's wild, you know, to think, um, man, getting caught up here.

00:30:15.600 My, uh, you know, it's wild to think that my mom would do that, you know, to take care

00:30:20.340 of us, you know, that she's driving all around, um, you know, just all around everywhere, just

00:30:26.400 delivering bullshit, you know, to, uh, to provide for her kids, you know, um, sorry. 0.59

00:30:37.140 I think it's just cause, you know, it's my birthday. 0.98

00:30:38.660 I don't mean to keep saying that, but I think it's just got me, you know, thinking about

00:30:43.020 what I'm doing here on earth and, you know, that I wouldn't be here without my, without

00:30:47.500 my parents, you know, you don't get here.

00:30:50.340 That's how you get here.

00:30:52.660 And it just hit me right there.

00:30:53.980 Thinking that my mother, you know, having to leave her kids, um, to just drive around

00:30:59.120 a bunch of, uh, inanimate objects, uh, to make money.

00:31:03.460 So, you know, even though we've had some tough times in my life, I'm grateful for that.

00:31:08.540 Um, what was I talking about?

00:31:11.620 We were talking about, um, oh, so my mother would be out of town and that means my father

00:31:17.900 would have to take care of us.

00:31:19.740 And my mom didn't, she wouldn't let, uh, we weren't getting a sitter when my dad was

00:31:24.040 alive. 0.99

00:31:24.420 We didn't get a sitter because my mom felt, fuck, I don't care if you're 77 years old, you got 1.00

00:31:30.580 to take care of these fucking children. 1.00

00:31:31.700 These are your children, you know, and she would put it on him. 1.00

00:31:35.840 So I remember something happened at school, a young kid, a young kid passed away or maybe

00:31:43.080 his brother, something happened.

00:31:44.920 And we, and our class went to this, went to a service, a funeral service.

00:31:50.560 And my dad had to get me a suit.

00:31:52.820 He had to get me a suit.

00:31:53.720 It was his responsibility.

00:31:54.620 And I, I didn't have a suit, you know, I didn't have a suit.

00:31:57.680 And so my dad, I mean, this is the same dad.

00:32:01.980 I mean, I remember for Halloween, when you're supposed to get my brother and I costumes and

00:32:06.380 he got us both raggedy and, and both of us.

00:32:11.320 So he just couldn't see that.

00:32:12.800 Well, you know, he couldn't turn his neck.

00:32:14.020 I mean, this man was 77 and this was 77, 25 years that, you know, uh, 31 years ago, this

00:32:20.680 wasn't 77 now, 77.

00:32:22.880 Now you got these dudes, you know, um, you know, you got these dudes shooting jumpers and,

00:32:28.540 uh, you know, working on power lines.

00:32:31.220 And, um, you know, you got 77 year olds that are, you know, that are doing, you know, doing 0.92

00:32:37.680 stunts and doing backflips in the park and, you know, raping people. 1.00

00:32:42.800 And you got crazy 77 year olds out there, you know, fucking buying swords and shit. 1.00

00:32:47.080 You got real 77 year olds out there now. 0.99

00:32:49.860 But when I, but, but then 77, it was, you know, it was a little bit more like about 83.

00:32:54.940 And, and even though my father, you know, busted nuts, obviously it'll pretty late.

00:33:00.840 Cause that's how I got here.

00:33:01.880 And I don't mean to be too graphic, but that's how I got here.

00:33:04.740 You know, to think that he, you know, at 77, he was super caught, you know, super crafty.

00:33:11.440 He wasn't anyway.

00:33:13.520 So he got, uh, he got me a suit, right.

00:33:16.740 But the suit was, he, it was a, it was a costume.

00:33:20.760 He, I guess he got it from like Spencer's gifts.

00:33:22.840 And this was a store back in the day where they just sold, you know, kind of cool, fun 0.97

00:33:28.340 stuff for kids and adults, like weird shit, you know, some like sexual and some like, just 0.99

00:33:35.060 like crystal balls and like, you know, those magic eight balls and all kinds of fucking, 0.99

00:33:40.200 you know, uh, fart rocks and danger taffy and just shit like that. 0.99

00:33:45.560 Like you would chew it and it would turn your whole mouth blue or something, or, you know, 1.00

00:33:49.620 give you a cousin AIDS or some kind of shit. 0.99

00:33:51.660 But, uh, but they had this, he got this suit and I guess it was in the window or something. 1.00

00:33:58.420 And it was a Beetlejuice costume.

00:34:00.380 Remember that movie?

00:34:02.060 So I didn't know any better.

00:34:03.740 You know, my dad said, we got the suit, you go into the thing.

00:34:06.620 So I am at the service in a Beetlejuice costume, you know, and everybody else is in regular

00:34:17.500 little kid's suit or a nice pant and shirt. 1.00

00:34:20.580 And I got fucking cobwebs on my shit. 0.99

00:34:23.800 Um, you know, and it wasn't even like a real suit. 1.00

00:34:27.800 It was like a costume.

00:34:29.380 It was just like a costume. 0.98

00:34:33.620 And I just remember feeling like, I didn't know what the fuck was going on in the world. 0.97

00:34:37.860 You know, everybody else out there, you know, they're mourning this, you know, this local 0.97

00:34:42.140 boy that had gone on. 0.99

00:34:44.160 And here I am out here fucking repping Beetlejuice and looking like a damn, I don't know. 0.99

00:34:50.640 I don't know. 0.99

00:34:52.160 But so that was just, you know, that's what it was like.

00:34:55.700 But that's who brought me into the world.

00:34:58.300 You know, a woman who was traveling around and, and, uh, and dropping newspapers off to 1.00

00:35:05.020 gas stations and, and a man who brought me a Beetlejuice outfit so I could, uh, look professional

00:35:12.600 at a funeral.

00:35:14.100 And knowing my daddy thought it was a suit.

00:35:15.840 He probably, you know, he's cheap.

00:35:17.540 He probably thought, oh, here I got a, you know, a $14 suit.

00:35:20.940 Let's put the boy in it.

00:35:24.480 But that's life, man.

00:35:26.720 That's life.

00:35:28.880 I'm trying to think of a fun birthday that I had.

00:35:32.600 I'm trying to think of a real fun one that I had.

00:35:35.400 Oh, I remember this one.

00:35:37.640 So a few years ago, I, uh, this is about 10 years ago, nine years ago.

00:35:43.500 I don't know.

00:35:44.320 I met up with this older lady and this older lady was, uh, she had one of them, uh, 1.00

00:35:50.640 you know, they basically these magical crotches that'll, I mean, she could, um, you ever seen 0.97

00:35:56.660 like a clown costume where they squirt you with that water thing where like, you know,

00:36:00.980 you, you touch their pocket and they, it's a flower that shoots you.

00:36:04.920 She had that flower that shoots you. 1.00

00:36:06.800 If you know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:36:08.060 I mean, she could fucking water a cactus from about probably eight and a half feet away. 1.00

00:36:13.420 You know? 0.98

00:36:14.620 I mean, she just had accuracy too. 0.98

00:36:16.460 I mean, just probably like, damn, uh, I mean, I'm talking like Jesse James with a mouth full 0.99

00:36:21.560 of chewing tobacco. 0.99

00:36:22.460 She could fucking, you know, hit a spittoon probably at at least seven and three quarter 1.00

00:36:26.460 feet. 0.99

00:36:28.200 But so I met this lady and I didn't know any of this about her.

00:36:31.140 I didn't know any, any of this about her.

00:36:33.240 And, um, and she worked in, uh, she was, she worked in casting. 0.94

00:36:41.020 She was like a casting director or something. 0.72

00:36:43.240 So I meet up with, there were, I invited her to a comedy show in Los Angeles and she shows

00:36:49.860 up and, oh, I remember Jennifer Garner was in, was at the, uh, at the bar downstairs. 0.93

00:36:56.640 And I remember thinking, man, Jennifer Garner is fine as hell, you know?

00:37:00.840 And I, I, I've always thought, I mean, Julia Roberts was always like the one I liked the

00:37:05.100 most.

00:37:05.500 Gina Davis, um, you know, who else?

00:37:09.860 Oh, Jennifer Garner, who I first said, well, forget it.

00:37:14.700 And then, so we got the, uh, so anyway, this lady shows up and she's, she's attractive. 1.00

00:37:20.960 I didn't really realize how attractive she was, you know, when I, cause I just met her

00:37:24.880 briefly.

00:37:25.180 I went in and auditioned for something.

00:37:26.420 She was a casting director.

00:37:27.700 She thought I was funny.

00:37:28.880 I said, well, you should come see me do comedy.

00:37:30.360 She gave me her card and I emailed her.

00:37:31.700 I'm thinking, well, I got to have casting directors come see me if I want to work in this

00:37:35.880 community, in this town.

00:37:37.680 So she shows up and, uh, and the comedy show was the next night.

00:37:42.660 I messed up.

00:37:43.980 I brought her to a comedy show on March 18th and the show was on March 19th and there's

00:37:50.080 nothing upstairs.

00:37:50.880 There's no comedy upstairs.

00:37:52.180 It's just nothing.

00:37:53.520 So instead we, we decided to get dinner downstairs at the room at the restaurant.

00:37:58.160 So she and I are eating dinner and things are going swell.

00:38:00.000 She'd break out some edibles, you know, she had some edibles there and these are early

00:38:05.020 edibles.

00:38:05.760 These were the ones where, you know, somebody came in with a little sack of them from Pasadena 0.99

00:38:11.260 or from Palm Springs or somebody rolled it, you know, somebody had made this shit, you 0.99

00:38:17.280 know, somebody that had an oven or somebody that had cooked them by fire. 0.99

00:38:21.120 Like these were the kind of edibles people had cooked over, over a hot fire.

00:38:24.580 Like these were the old school ones.

00:38:26.180 And she's like, have you ever had one?

00:38:28.800 I said, I never had one of these, one of these, you know, these super cookies of dope.

00:38:34.340 So next thing we split this thing up and I love cookies.

00:38:38.060 So she gave me, she said, well, just take a bite.

00:38:39.780 And everybody says that, you know, and then the person eats too much.

00:38:42.120 It's exactly what happened to me because I took a bite.

00:38:45.360 And then in my brain, I'm just thinking it's a cookie.

00:38:47.560 So I'd take another bite.

00:38:49.780 Well, so fast forward, maybe 40 minutes, I don't know, or even maybe 600 minutes.

00:38:56.180 Uh, we're sitting there eating dinner.

00:38:59.120 I can't remember how I know this woman.

00:39:02.480 I can't remember if she is my wife, if she is my longtime girlfriend, if she is my fine cousin.

00:39:12.320 I can't remember.

00:39:14.220 But next thing, man, we're standing outside.

00:39:16.420 It's time to go.

00:39:17.220 And I valeted my car and I couldn't remember even how the valet worked.

00:39:21.020 I walked up to this man and started just, just telling him, just describing my car to him.

00:39:26.460 Like it was a game show or something.

00:39:27.920 He was supposed to guess.

00:39:29.680 The whole time I got the little ticket in my pocket.

00:39:32.280 Anyway, so it's time we're leaving.

00:39:34.080 And it was just a dent.

00:39:35.900 It was a business dinner.

00:39:37.900 You know, we just, and so I go to kiss her.

00:39:41.640 I go to kiss this lady and she's like, what, what, what's going on?

00:39:46.160 And man, I was just cooked out. 1.00

00:39:48.640 I was cooked out on that fucking plant magic, man. 1.00

00:39:52.640 On that mother nature's freaking vitamin, you know, a mother nature's fucking, mother nature's brain lozenge, that THC. 1.00

00:40:02.320 I was cooked out. 0.99

00:40:03.740 I didn't know what was going on.

00:40:05.420 I'm apologizing and everything.

00:40:07.380 And, you know, I just basically tried to kiss somebody that had, that had just had a business dinner with me for no reason out of the blue.

00:40:13.680 But I had no, man, I didn't know if this was my, I had no idea.

00:40:16.840 I don't know if we lived together.

00:40:17.980 I had no backstory on us at all.

00:40:20.740 So fast forward after that, like two days later, she hit me up.

00:40:24.960 She's trying to get me to come over.

00:40:26.460 She's bringing me all this weed, you know, and we start getting together and she's, you know, next thing you know, she's watering plants around the, I mean, she had these plants set up at different, you know, different distances in her room.

00:40:39.180 You ever seen that show, the grand prize game?

00:40:41.380 It was with Bozo the Clown where you throw the thing into the bucket and the bucket keeps getting further away.

00:40:46.560 And if you hit it at a certain point, you get, you know, free Popeye's chicken for your classroom or something.

00:40:52.440 Well, I don't know if, I don't know if it was a national show.

00:40:54.440 I think it was on WGNO, Chicago Channel 9.

00:40:58.340 But this was the, it was a game show for children.

00:41:02.220 And it was pretty, I mean, it was awesome for kids, but maybe it was perverted.

00:41:06.520 Maybe it was only in Louisiana.

00:41:07.800 I don't know.

00:41:08.780 It might have only been in Louisiana, actually, because I think one of my friends was on it one time.

00:41:12.620 But if so, they had this thing, it was called Bozo the Clown.

00:41:15.280 And he was a clown that had red hair.

00:41:18.380 I guess he was, he was Irish. 0.95

00:41:20.560 So he, you know, is this Irish man who wore this striped suit and he looked angry. 1.00

00:41:27.740 And he had this thing called the grand prize game where kids would, they'd have these buckets.

00:41:31.360 And one of the kids, they'd have a group of kids in the audience.

00:41:34.480 One of the kids would get to come and throw these little ping pong balls into the bucket. 0.99

00:41:37.460 And if he hit the furthest bucket, everybody in the classroom, everybody in his classroom got chicken, free chicken from Popeye's, you know.

00:41:45.640 So you'd see all the kids in the back, dude, you know, especially the young black kids, they fired up, you know.

00:41:50.960 Because it's not a stereotype.

00:41:52.440 Everybody loves chicken. 0.99

00:41:54.620 But, but damn, dude, this lady could, I mean, she could, she could wash it. 1.00

00:42:01.860 She could wash the ends of your eyelashes. 1.00

00:42:03.920 She had, she had just had accuracy with that vagene, you know. 1.00

00:42:07.560 She just had, I mean, it was like that movie where that person is the sniper.

00:42:13.500 I'm not sure what it's called.

00:42:15.280 Um, but yeah, I mean, she, she, she could dot, she could dot an eye. 1.00

00:42:22.140 She could dot an eye from probably about three and a half feet. 0.67

00:42:24.700 But that's what it was, man.

00:42:26.100 And then we ended up, you know, getting in sexual and everything and things happening.

00:42:29.300 But, oh, here's the crazy thing.

00:42:32.680 Forgot what I was even telling you.

00:42:34.160 So the next day, though, that edible was in my system and it was my birthday.

00:42:38.240 And I laid in my bed the entire day afraid to answer the phone.

00:42:44.140 Afraid.

00:42:44.500 You know, my stepdad called me, he sang me happy birthday every year.

00:42:49.460 You know, they had this family that, uh, that took me in in high school.

00:42:53.720 And every year, this man, Mr. Rhett, that's his name.

00:42:57.760 And, uh, he calls me and sings me happy birthday on my birthday.

00:43:00.740 Um, and that's something, you know, that's, that's, that gives me a sensation, man.

00:43:09.000 That's something that gives me a sensation.

00:43:11.780 Not an Irish sensation.

00:43:13.520 No, I'm not getting Irish.

00:43:14.480 But, um, it gives me a sensation of, of being cared about.

00:43:20.340 You know, I, I wasn't this man's son.

00:43:22.780 I mean, I went to live with them, dude.

00:43:24.420 I used to, they gave me allowance. 0.96

00:43:26.620 I didn't do shit. 0.96

00:43:27.180 I was smoking dope in my room half the time. 0.93

00:43:29.380 I remember doing a bunch of donuts in my escort one time.

00:43:33.200 I had a Ford Escort with no passenger seat. 0.99

00:43:36.160 So if you get in the front, bitch, you get in the back, you know. 1.00

00:43:39.640 It's the only car that had two entrances into the back seat. 0.99

00:43:42.720 And, uh, but I used to do donuts.

00:43:45.840 We had these beautiful lesbians that live across the street from us that would do wild 1.00

00:43:49.580 Christmas lights and put like exotic kind of, and everybody said it was like snow mountains

00:43:54.040 and stuff. 0.89

00:43:54.460 They built these basically, you know, lighted up dicks. 1.00

00:43:58.600 They would put these, and this shit looked all like a, just like they had nine big dicks 1.00

00:44:02.360 in the yard. 0.99

00:44:03.200 I'm like, does that have anything to do with Christmas? 0.95

00:44:06.300 Are y'all just trying to catch some sweet, you know, y'all just dreaming about dildo sizes 0.93

00:44:10.620 out here. 0.99

00:44:11.180 But they were beautiful lesbians and they were beautiful neighbors. 1.00

00:44:14.740 And, but man, I would get, I would do donuts in their fucking yard before school, have a 0.99

00:44:19.840 fifth of Taka vodka under my seat, just living senselessly, you know, and this man still would 0.99

00:44:26.060 call me every year on my birthday.

00:44:27.940 And I still spend holidays with them.

00:44:29.980 I'm going to see them on Easter in a couple of weeks for a crawfish boil.

00:44:33.940 But I spent, I still spend time with that family because they made me feel cared for.

00:44:41.560 And that's what we got to do for each other out here.

00:44:45.440 You can do that today.

00:44:47.020 You could do that today.

00:44:49.800 So if you do something today for me, for my birthday, if you want to give me something,

00:44:53.400 just tell somebody you care about them.

00:44:56.960 You know, I don't care if it's a dude.

00:44:58.540 I don't care if it's a chick. 1.00

00:45:00.380 I don't care if it's a child.

00:45:02.340 And you look at your child or, you know, make sure it's your child though.

00:45:05.500 You know, don't be, don't be smoking cigarettes by that, by that radio flyer wagon over there

00:45:10.220 in, in Spokane.

00:45:11.800 This one dude had on sunglasses, kept going down the slide.

00:45:14.940 Like, dude, you're about 38.

00:45:18.220 You better check out.

00:45:20.640 But, you know, you know, do something.

00:45:24.780 Do something, do something nice.

00:45:26.860 Let somebody know you care.

00:45:28.660 Do something nice for somebody.

00:45:31.080 You know, do something nice.

00:45:32.480 I bet you it'll make them feel good.

00:45:36.360 Because, um, or if it's somebody you know's birthday, call and leave them that voicemail.

00:45:40.500 Just sing them happy birthday. 0.99

00:45:41.520 Who gives a fuck? 1.00

00:45:42.440 You sound like an idiot. 1.00

00:45:43.360 Oh, well. 1.00

00:45:45.760 Because I know it'll make them feel good, man.

00:45:47.280 Because I know that that's how it made me feel.

00:45:50.200 And here it's been, you know, I started living with that family when I was 14.

00:45:54.540 And here I'm 38.

00:45:56.600 And that's 24 years, maybe?

00:45:59.280 I don't know.

00:45:59.880 Yeah.

00:46:00.060 And that man, who I didn't fire out of his wang, that man calls me every year on my birthday with no sexual interest in me and just sings me happy birthday.

00:46:12.860 So that's what it's about, man.

00:46:15.000 If you want to do something for my birthday as well, I'll say this.

00:46:18.780 You can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a comment.

00:46:23.840 Let's get this beast up the hill over there. 0.99

00:46:25.680 You know, we're going to, I think I have a really cool guest coming in, maybe next week.

00:46:30.880 Might have a guest coming in this week, one of my good buddies coming in, who I love talking to.

00:46:35.860 You know, we may have some great, you know, and then it's just going to keep coming.

00:46:40.060 You know, I know Brennan Shalb is going to come on. 0.94

00:46:43.120 Brian Callen.

00:46:44.680 You know, we'll get all these hitters in here. 1.00

00:46:46.940 A couple of my favorite authors have said that they're willing to come on.

00:46:52.640 So, you know, we've got some good things happening.

00:46:54.260 So if you can get that podcast up the hill, push this thing up.

00:46:58.040 You know, push this thing up.

00:46:59.220 So when I send them the link to go look at this thing, that it shows up on those websites, on those charts.

00:47:04.860 And that's something small you can do for me.

00:47:08.100 Man, we've got some good calls that came in, man.

00:47:09.760 A couple that really hit me in the heart.

00:47:11.840 You know, a couple that really hit me in the heart.

00:47:13.760 I got a card, too.

00:47:15.540 Somebody gave it to me in, I want to say in Spokane?

00:47:21.020 Maybe in Tacoma.

00:47:21.880 I'm going to read it now.

00:47:22.500 I just opened it up.

00:47:23.620 You can see it on the YouTube.

00:47:25.300 It has a hamster on the front.

00:47:27.760 It says, don't be shy.

00:47:29.560 Time to unleash your inner party animal.

00:47:32.000 Happy birthday.

00:47:33.620 And it's one of those cards that used to play music.

00:47:37.000 And, you know, it's so funny, man.

00:47:38.360 So small circle.

00:47:39.200 These are the types of things my mother would deliver as well to these gas stations. 1.00

00:47:42.240 You know, she would deliver any, like, kind of trinkety type of thing. 0.73

00:47:46.260 At certain times, she delivered cookies for this company called Vortman.

00:47:50.100 And that's when I knew I was an addict. 0.99

00:47:51.800 When I would go lay in her car at night and I'd fucking eat 45 sugar cookies, dude. 0.99

00:47:56.580 And then tell my mother I didn't. 0.99

00:47:58.540 That's crazy.

00:47:59.960 Who else did it?

00:48:01.520 Who else did it but the kid who's sick now?

00:48:04.240 And smell.

00:48:05.100 You could smell the sugar and dough in my skin.

00:48:08.060 If I were to sweat a little, you could smell sugar and dough in my skin.

00:48:11.420 Oh, here it is.

00:48:16.440 Oh, it's got a dancing hamster on it on this card.

00:48:18.400 But I'm going to read you this letter.

00:48:19.360 Came with it right here.

00:48:20.520 It said, Theo, happy birthday to one of my favorite adults in the game.

00:48:23.560 Thank you very much.

00:48:24.740 I wanted to wish you nothing but success in the future and to tell you to enjoy today.

00:48:28.160 I'm one of your biggest supporters.

00:48:29.400 I just started my comedy career almost exactly a year ago.

00:48:32.840 Your insane sense of humor has helped mold me.

00:48:34.960 Every time I feel nervous to be myself on stage, I will turn on 30-pound bag of hamster bones to remind me it pays off in the end.

00:48:42.660 Never doubt yourself.

00:48:44.960 You are funny.

00:48:47.460 It says you were the funniest comedian around because of that inner voice.

00:48:50.820 Appreciate you, Stephen Schultz.

00:48:53.060 Thanks, Stephen.

00:48:53.760 You know what's weird, man?

00:48:55.660 This is going to sound kind of crazy.

00:48:56.960 When I got to this part where it said you were the funniest comedian around, I didn't want to read that.

00:49:02.500 You know, I didn't want to read that out loud.

00:49:04.520 You know, and this, and I'll tell you why, man.

00:49:09.900 I don't even really want to tell you guys why.

00:49:11.900 Because there's something inside of me sometimes that is afraid to, that's afraid to feel good.

00:49:20.120 You know, when things start to feel good or people start having fun, sometimes I want to, I just, I can't do it.

00:49:25.960 I got to shut that down.

00:49:26.980 You know, there's something inside of me that, that I think when I was young, I was so used to not feeling good or, you know, or just, you know, I didn't like myself so much that I got used to not wanting to feel joy.

00:49:42.240 I didn't want to feel it because it felt so foreign, I think, to me that it, it felt like too big of a leap.

00:49:52.280 You know, it felt like too big of a leap to read this.

00:49:54.800 Never doubt yourself.

00:49:55.820 You're the funniest comedian around from someone that I don't know.

00:50:01.260 It felt too big of a, you know, it felt scary to, felt scary to feel good about myself.

00:50:10.080 I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone or not.

00:50:12.480 And maybe it doesn't have to.

00:50:14.100 This, you know, sometimes these episodes or this, this talking and I don't know sometimes what I'm, what I'm talking about.

00:50:23.560 But I feel what I'm talking about, but sometimes I can't get the words right.

00:50:28.500 Maybe not today, you know, but maybe in the future I can.

00:50:32.220 But I had some great calls that came in.

00:50:33.760 I want to get onto this hotline.

00:50:35.400 The hotline is 985-664-9503.

00:50:39.900 If you are struggling with anything, you know, if you're experiencing the dark arts, you know, I've been out there.

00:50:47.880 You know, I stay out there. 0.91

00:50:49.920 You know, I got three days right now, no masturbation, and I'm feeling hopeful. 0.91

00:50:53.920 You know, I fall victim easy to that next thing. 0.97

00:50:57.060 It was sugar cookies. 0.98

00:50:58.220 It was doing donuts in a lesbian's yard. 1.00

00:51:00.900 Whatever it was, that next hit, I always need, whatever, I needed something.

00:51:06.860 Anything that kept me from feeling myself, that's what I needed.

00:51:14.960 But, man, I'm grateful that I, I'm grateful that I'm here today with you guys.

00:51:19.540 I sure am, man.

00:51:20.840 Somebody I don't know gave me a nice letter.

00:51:24.740 You know, and now we're going to do that for somebody else with some of these calls.

00:51:27.740 We're going to take, these are their letters.

00:51:29.140 We're taking them in.

00:51:30.300 We're doing this as full circle.

00:51:32.360 That's what we're doing.

00:51:32.860 We're going to do good things here together, and I'm grateful for you guys being here with me today.

00:51:37.740 Let's hit a couple of calls right here, man.

00:51:39.620 Thank you very much.

00:51:41.060 Hey, Theo.

00:51:41.960 This is Brian from Cleveland.

00:51:43.840 Hey, Brian, down there in Cleveland.

00:51:45.120 And they had a video after the basketball championship of a man eating horse poop out in the street.

00:51:51.020 And if you've never seen that, go take a, go take a gander on that, boy.

00:51:55.900 Now, we used to eat mushrooms out of cow poop when I was young, but we never went directly to the poop and skipped the drugs.

00:52:03.180 So that was a real artsy move.

00:52:05.240 Let's hear more.

00:52:06.480 I have a five-year-old daughter and just wanted to get your opinion.

00:52:10.040 And she goes to kindergarten right now, and I'm a single dad, and, you know, every weekend, you know, when that UFC fights are on or MMA fights, whatever, you know, me and my buddies and my family, we watch.

00:52:19.840 Oh, that's cool, man.

00:52:20.940 I just started watching them, you know, and people have told me that if you get into these Krav Maga and these MMA type of environments that you, you learn like a brotherhood, you know, and I think that's something I'm starting to be attracted to about it.

00:52:35.620 Because in the beginning, I was kind of scared to watch some of it, look so much violence, look so much violence out there. 0.88

00:52:41.280 People fucking losing lips, you know, out in a damn, you know, people losing lips out in a small, you know, eight-fenced yard out there, that octagon. 0.98

00:52:52.240 But thank you for calling. 0.99

00:52:53.340 Your family enjoys them more?

00:52:54.840 And she's been learning a lot of things from watching the fights, you know, and lately in school, you know, she's been rear-naked choke kids and, you know, double-egg takedown them and, you know, just doing all these things, all these moves that she learned from just watching that I didn't teach her.

00:53:11.500 You know, and these kids and, you know, teachers having a problem, you know, she choked the kid out about two weeks ago and the kid went to sleep. 1.00

00:53:17.360 Fuck him, bro. 1.00

00:53:18.820 Sorry. 1.00

00:53:19.460 Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

00:53:20.540 Let's hear more.

00:53:21.060 You know, she got suspended for about three days and, you know, I want to get her into jiu-jitsu school or something, you know, that's going to get that energy out. 0.98

00:53:28.980 But I was wondering, what is your opinion on what I should do and how I should handle, you know, her trying to fight all these kids, you know, and being kind of a bully or, you know, kind of just being very, very expressive with her moves that she learns from UFC.

00:53:46.300 So, you know, if you could give your opinion on that, I'll definitely appreciate you.

00:53:50.200 Thanks, Brian.

00:53:51.060 You know, I don't have a five-year-old, but I grew up, I have two beautiful, I have three beautiful nieces, man.

00:53:56.960 You know, I've been just so blessed in that area and I love watching, I mean, little girls are the, to me, I have two nephews and they're getting real cool, but little girls, watching them grow up and stuff is so much fun.

00:54:07.060 And watching them be brave and do things that maybe you didn't have the opportunity or be able to do as a child.

00:54:13.600 That's, it's, it's beautiful. 0.89

00:54:15.100 But yeah, man, if she's fucking figure fouring dudes, then that's, that's why, look, let her learn these methods, especially with those legs. 1.00

00:54:22.980 She's doing leg locks and she's Ric Flair and little fucking fourth graders. 1.00

00:54:26.960 Because I'll tell you this, in about six or eight years, them boys are going to be coming at her with erections, bro. 0.99

00:54:34.600 They're going to be coming at her with that straight blood yoga right in the middle. 1.00

00:54:38.180 They're going to be just, you know, their dick's going to be yoga'd up and she's going to have that ability. 1.00

00:54:43.140 You know, she's going to be able to put that, you know, put somebody's nutsack in a rear naked choke, bro. 1.00

00:54:48.820 And they'll never get naked again around her, I bet.

00:54:51.880 So some of these skills are going to come in handy.

00:54:54.540 But look, I think, I think, I think you're on the right track.

00:54:58.180 I think it's, I think it's nice.

00:55:00.200 It's nice to see an empowered girl like that, feeling confident about herself.

00:55:04.420 But definitely, I think you can, you can guide her into knowing when is right and when is wrong to use, you know. 0.92

00:55:13.260 Now, wrestling moves, if she wants to watch some wrestling shit, show her some old Jimmy Superfly snooker. 1.00

00:55:18.520 If she wants to jump off a fucking tree branch, you know, and elbow drop a couple of fucking snot-nosed cats that are trying to get up, get up at her, then that's okay. 0.99

00:55:29.460 That's okay. 1.00

00:55:31.000 That kind of, wrestling is 100% okay.

00:55:33.160 When you get more into that Krav Maga, that MMA, that UFC, now that stuff's more technical and that's real.

00:55:39.360 So people could really get hurt.

00:55:41.400 But I think you have a great opportunity to organize what she's going, what she's doing right now and get her to feel that passion and energy.

00:55:49.580 Because then she's going to be able to teach other kids and other young ladies who are interested some of the same skill set. 1.00

00:55:57.540 You know, and I think, you know, maybe some more like karate type of stuff.

00:56:01.020 I mean, I always thought dudes that did karate when I was young were ridiculous or some tai chi maybe. 0.96

00:56:06.820 But that kind of stuff, I think it seems to show you more of like holding the value and holding your power and being in, you know, and being that statue and not just being that straight up, you know, that straight up, you know, that six-year-old fucking attack. 1.00

00:56:24.100 You know, you stabbing people with pencils and shit, you know, and just Rainbow Brighton motherfuckers and choking them out. 1.00

00:56:32.340 So, you know, I think get her organized because she's, with her ability and her desire, she's going to be able to lead others if she has some organization. 1.00

00:56:40.620 And it seems like as a parent that that probably wouldn't be too hard for you to provide.

00:56:46.040 But I think it's cool, man.

00:56:47.160 I think it's beautiful.

00:56:47.880 I think it's awesome that you care so much about what's going on with your daughter.

00:56:52.080 But, yeah, don't let a bully run around out there just beating up kids for no reason.

00:56:55.400 It's scary.

00:56:56.160 They had this girl when I was growing up named Kizzy.

00:56:59.120 Her name was Kizzy. 1.00

00:57:00.040 Kizzy and she would beat all the boys' ass. 0.99

00:57:04.080 And the scariest part about that was after a while, I started to feel sorry for her because you could tell that she probably really wanted some affection from boys. 0.99

00:57:14.700 But boys were afraid to give her affection, even if she was a pretty girl.

00:57:18.940 She just happened to be really tough when we were young.

00:57:21.600 And she probably, you know, she came from some tough circumstances.

00:57:26.260 But at a certain point, it didn't serve her well to act that tough all the time because it made boys afraid to care about her.

00:57:35.940 You know, and so she didn't have dates to the dances. 1.00

00:57:37.920 And she, you know, and then she felt like she had to take on this persona of always being tough.

00:57:42.660 And you could start to see that that kind of weared on her.

00:57:46.540 But, yeah, man, it seemed like you're in control of it.

00:57:49.120 But thank you for calling, Brian.

00:57:50.320 I appreciate it.

00:57:50.740 Those are some thoughts of mine.

00:57:52.160 Also, I have no children, and I don't know.

00:57:54.040 But I'd love to have some one day, I think, which is crazy because I never used to think that.

00:58:01.500 That's crazy, man.

00:58:02.500 It's crazy how, you know, they say a leopard never changes its spots.

00:58:06.860 I don't believe that.

00:58:07.960 I don't believe that.

00:58:09.240 Let's take another call.

00:58:10.380 Here we go.

00:58:11.720 Hey, Theo.

00:58:12.700 My name is Kara, and I am calling from New York.

00:58:15.840 Hey, Kara from New York. 0.97

00:58:17.060 Thank you for calling.

00:58:17.720 So anyway, I am a pretty normal person, again, with a little bit of an unusual job.

00:58:22.380 You have people calling in for that.

00:58:24.040 I am an animal agent, which means that I work with animals in movies and TV commercials and TV shows and print ads.

00:58:33.000 Ooh.

00:58:34.040 So you working with star animals?

00:58:36.220 No way.

00:58:38.280 We have to call you again because I want to know about some of them.

00:58:41.420 I worked on a set one time with Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

00:58:46.780 They have a cat in there.

00:58:48.440 Not the puppet, the real cat.

00:58:49.920 I worked with that cat in a commercial one time.

00:58:53.840 I worked with a dog one time that was in that movie with Will Smith at the end of the world where he's like the last person alive.

00:59:00.220 I am legend.

00:59:00.960 I work with that dog.

00:59:03.140 I saw a woman had a batch of – this lady had every animal you could think of. 1.00

00:59:07.340 I went to her home out there, and she lived out – I want to say west of Los Angeles, like north of Los Angeles.

00:59:16.360 She had every animal you could think of down to lice and ticks, and she'd have a certain number of them, and she took care of them.

00:59:26.720 And they had agents.

00:59:27.640 She had head lice that had agents that were represented in the industry. 1.00

00:59:33.580 Absolutely baffling.

00:59:34.940 Thanks for calling, Kara.

00:59:35.860 Kara, let's hear more onward.

00:59:38.020 And we do all kinds of fun animals, not just dogs and cats.

00:59:41.520 Oh, I always wanted a show animal.

00:59:43.600 Ever since I saw Green Milan, that man had those show mice.

00:59:47.200 You know, and that reminded me of growing up around – you know, I grew up in the stray animal belt, and so we'd get wild animals. 0.93

00:59:52.440 I mean, we had a fucking batch of damn lemurs came through one year, and I don't want to say they were French, but they had the best posture I'd ever seen. 1.00

00:59:59.880 They stood on two feet, and there was probably almost maybe five of them, and they knew each other. 0.99

01:00:04.660 And so I've always, you know, had a unique fear and infatuation of animals, you know, from getting attacked by them and also being intrigued by them.

01:00:16.520 Onward?

01:00:17.960 We do dogs and alligators and snakes and all wrangle just about anything.

01:00:22.840 Dang, you sound – you sound like you might want to hire Brian's five-year-old daughter to get out there and catch something. 0.99

01:00:29.020 You know, I'd love to see her put a – I'd love to see her choke out a fucking salamander. 1.00

01:00:35.220 Here we go. 0.99

01:00:36.800 But the real reason for my call is what is up with handicapped bathrooms or what is the protocol with handicapped bathrooms?

01:00:43.660 So it might be more of a female issue than a male issue. 0.99

01:00:49.280 I'm not quite sure because we use stalls for everything.

01:00:52.320 But going into a typical woman's bathroom, there are regular stalls, and then there's usually one stall for handicapped. 1.00

01:00:59.440 And I've always just kind of used it as, you know, you're waiting in line, and if that's the one open, then that's the one you go into.

01:01:05.560 Yeah, well, look, I think that's it.

01:01:08.240 I don't think – yeah, if you're in a bathroom and there's a handicapped stall and nobody's in it, you don't wait around for a handicapped person.

01:01:15.920 You know, if that's what you're asking.

01:01:17.240 Like, you don't have a responsibility just to, like, you know, to help a handicapped person up to the toilet.

01:01:23.680 You know, so you can use it.

01:01:26.180 If a handicapped person shows up, you have to get out. 1.00

01:01:28.960 But, you know, it's almost like at a – you know, they get to go first.

01:01:35.620 It's like at a gangbang, really. 0.99

01:01:37.240 If you're in a gangbang and a handicapped person shows up, they fuck first, you know? 1.00

01:01:43.740 You know, you don't fuck while some dude's over in the corner being blind or being, you know, only having, you know, one leg or no arms or something. 0.99

01:01:53.180 Or in a sling or, you know, you don't – so it's just protocol. 0.99

01:01:56.780 You let them go first. 0.91

01:01:57.740 Just – look, I've spent a ton of time in handicapped bathrooms.

01:02:01.060 I used to be – I used to have this fear sometimes of being in the airport and fear of flying.

01:02:05.060 And when I went to the airport, the first thing I would go to, I'd go in the handicapped bathroom and sit in there for about 40 minutes.

01:02:10.460 Not even do any poops or pees.

01:02:14.140 And I would just sit in there.

01:02:17.700 You know, and sometimes I would even imagine what it was like to have certain types of handicaps.

01:02:20.920 Because I've always really had an affinity for the disabled and always, you know, marveled at the abilities of people with disabilities.

01:02:30.340 You know, they had a dude in my town, no arms.

01:02:32.220 People know, I've talked about him.

01:02:33.360 This dude, Gert Edgerton was his name.

01:02:36.040 But they called him Gert, which is just short.

01:02:38.980 If you take Edgerton, you take the beginning and the end off of it, you get Gert. 0.99

01:02:42.860 And he had no arms and he would fucking choke people out all the time. 0.99

01:02:46.220 This dude was choking, bruh. 1.00

01:02:47.960 You don't even – you talking shit? 1.00

01:02:49.800 You think he ain't going to do nothing? 1.00

01:02:51.960 And suddenly you're getting choked out.

01:02:53.720 Like he just grew two arms, but he didn't.

01:02:55.820 He would snatch you up with his neck.

01:02:57.300 He would just – he would get you between his neck and chin. 1.00

01:03:00.900 He would take you down to the mat.

01:03:02.660 But I think, look, use them.

01:03:04.260 Handicap – there's this crazy thing in the world about handicapped people. 1.00

01:03:07.460 We can't say handicapped.

01:03:08.680 We can't mention them.

01:03:09.600 We can't – they want us to be a part of their lives.

01:03:12.360 You know, handicapped people want to be included in the story.

01:03:17.800 You know, they want to be a – I don't care. 0.99

01:03:20.280 I don't care if somebody don't have arms or legs or a head.

01:03:23.420 If they got a good heart in their chest, let's go.

01:03:27.380 That's all I care about.

01:03:29.860 You know, people putting all these handicapped – dude, I'd love it if they just came to a regular restroom. 1.00

01:03:35.640 You know, I'd hold a dude on the toilet while he shits if I have to. 0.94

01:03:39.180 That's brotherhood. 0.99

01:03:41.000 You know, that's old school.

01:03:42.100 That's Native American type stuff.

01:03:44.520 I mean, that's cocaine behavior, really. 0.99

01:03:47.300 Holding on to a buddy while he shits.

01:03:49.940 I mean, if you haven't done that, you haven't done some good blow. 0.86

01:03:53.560 I remember one time in – I don't know where this was.

01:03:56.760 I think in – could have been over in New York or Virginia Beach, man.

01:04:01.260 We got some shady, shady cocaine. 0.99

01:04:03.760 And this dude had to shit one of our buddies. 1.00

01:04:07.020 And he had to shit and he couldn't. 1.00

01:04:10.000 But he had – like his whole body was shitting. 0.99

01:04:13.140 But the – man, I'm sorry to be talking about this. 0.99

01:04:15.800 It's kind of gross.

01:04:16.480 But he couldn't do it.

01:04:19.060 And so we had to get two or three dudes in there to push on his abdomen. 1.00

01:04:23.320 You know, just literally squeezing his body as much as he could until finally he just blew shit. 0.99

01:04:29.180 So, you know, sometimes you got to – if people's handicapped, then that's it. 0.99

01:04:38.140 Because we all get handicapped sometimes.

01:04:39.900 This time you're not handicapped.

01:04:41.540 Maybe next time you will be.

01:04:43.560 This time you have a certain body type.

01:04:45.020 Next time you get the other time.

01:04:47.400 You'll be back.

01:04:48.260 You'll be somewhere next after this life experiencing the other side of the coin.

01:04:54.800 Whatever that coin is.

01:04:57.780 Because a lot of it's perspective.

01:05:01.380 You know, we don't really live in different worlds, but we definitely live in different perspectives.

01:05:06.820 But yeah, look, if you're handicapped or you got a friend that's handicapped, you party with them, Kara. 0.99

01:05:11.380 And you fucking get them an animal. 0.99

01:05:13.880 You know, get them a sack of head lice or something. 1.00

01:05:16.080 I'll bill it to me.

01:05:17.080 Hey, get them a couple of gerbils. 1.00

01:05:19.000 Throw a G-Pig at a freaking paraplegic. 1.00

01:05:21.840 You know, and I'll pay for that. 1.00

01:05:24.820 You know, because it's amazing.

01:05:28.440 You know, it's amazing the power – when you – it's amazing the power – the – it's amazing the feeling you get, the sensation.

01:05:36.180 Back to that, that you get that feeling of just – you know, I feel impressed when I see somebody that has a disability.

01:05:47.920 And they're able to manage and thrive.

01:05:51.700 And be happy.

01:05:53.820 Man, that makes me – it's impressive.

01:05:58.480 It puts things into perspective.

01:06:01.140 And we need that.

01:06:02.980 But yeah, if you got to borrow their shitter for a few minutes, Kara, you get in there, baby. 0.98

01:06:06.420 You do something dirty in there. 0.98

01:06:07.620 I'm not going to say a word.

01:06:09.220 You sound like a good woman.

01:06:10.160 Man, we got two more calls here that I want to get to.

01:06:15.300 And I'm super grateful for you guys for being here with me on my birthday.

01:06:19.000 You know, I'm so – I'm so – you know, I'm 38.

01:06:25.420 And – and as hard as I don't want to admit it sometimes, I'm pretty happy.

01:06:35.360 You know, as much as I – for some reason, there's something inside of me that's just – you know, it's not used to admitting it.

01:06:41.700 It's that same thing I think that, you know, just I had over the years.

01:06:44.860 It's that same thing flaring back up.

01:06:46.180 I just don't want to admit sometimes when I'm feeling good because I guess I just – you know, I don't know.

01:06:52.900 I was so used to not feeling it when I was young that I'm afraid it's not going to stick around.

01:06:57.880 But we're working together, boy, and we got this.

01:07:00.600 Gang, gang.

01:07:02.280 Gang, gang, man.

01:07:03.340 They had this guy that came out in Spokane, right?

01:07:07.260 He came out and he – right when the show started, he's just – yeah, he's yelling, gang, gang.

01:07:12.560 Gang, and he was – you could tell he was – as he loved this past weekend, he was into it all, man.

01:07:18.780 And nine minutes later, dead asleep.

01:07:22.820 You could see he went out and done St. Paddy's Day and lived his life to the fullest,

01:07:26.800 and he was going to get to that show no matter – no matter hell or high water

01:07:31.580 or how many Irish dudes came at him for BJs or whatever. 0.99

01:07:35.820 No matter how – no matter how Irish shit got for him, he was showing up, and he showed up, man. 0.98

01:07:41.080 And then nine minutes later, he was – I mean, he was like at the second or third table off to the right 0.99

01:07:45.340 in Tacoma in the late show, and he was dead asleep.

01:07:48.580 But I knew that he was – I swear he had a smile on his face.

01:07:52.660 I swear he did.

01:07:54.440 And I think because the rest of us were having such a good time, he couldn't help but enjoy it.

01:07:58.400 He couldn't help but catch a hit off that joy through his ears.

01:08:03.180 Let's get to another call that we had right here.

01:08:05.820 Oh, we have people that call in.

01:08:07.560 If you had a good weekend or a bad weekend, call in, leave it on the hotline.

01:08:11.740 And each month, we're going to give out one of these.

01:08:13.340 We got this batch of blue – blue correctional gray blue.

01:08:17.740 A correctional blue – the correctional center blue.

01:08:21.300 That's the only way to describe this color.

01:08:23.980 Correctional center blue T-shirts.

01:08:25.300 Whoever had the best or worst weekend, you got to leave the voicemail.

01:08:29.740 Try to leave it in 60 seconds or less on the hotline.

01:08:32.560 And whoever had it, we're going to share their weekend or whatever.

01:08:38.400 And we're going to give them a shirt, whoever did it, whoever had the best one.

01:08:42.440 Let's listen to this one right here if we can.

01:08:44.420 Hey, Theo.

01:08:45.000 This is Aaron.

01:08:46.280 I just wanted to – I'm a huge fan of the podcast and your stand-up.

01:08:50.600 Thanks, Aaron.

01:08:51.200 I appreciate that.

01:08:52.400 And this has just been a feel-good episode, man.

01:08:54.340 A lot of these calls, people saying nice things.

01:08:56.620 And I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but, you know, I don't – you know, but I'm – I'm not doing that for my own ego, but I appreciate it.

01:09:06.840 Onward.

01:09:07.420 I think you're hilarious, man.

01:09:09.640 Just have a question, you know.

01:09:11.980 I got out of a bad relationship.

01:09:15.140 Oh, this is a different call.

01:09:16.560 Let me hear this call first, actually.

01:09:17.960 This is the do with the weekend.

01:09:19.280 Sorry about that.

01:09:20.080 Here we go.

01:09:20.560 Hey, Theo.

01:09:22.840 This is Nate from Massachusetts just calling to share the best weekend I had in a long, long time.

01:09:28.640 All right.

01:09:28.940 Nate from Mass.

01:09:29.900 Boy, Nate Nathaniel.

01:09:33.860 Nathaniel.

01:09:34.400 And I think that's a name in the Bible, maybe, or in some other – I think a different book, actually.

01:09:40.500 Let's hear more.

01:09:41.660 I got to spend a beautiful, sunny, late winter Saturday out on the ice fishing with my six-year-old son and both of his granddaddies.

01:09:50.560 Ooh, that sounds like that movie where the two old guys fight, and that movie is called Grandfather's – I think it's like Grandfather's Summer Camp or something with Jack Lennon, who's actually buried by my house, and Walter Matthau.

01:10:10.320 And he – and they are both buried by where I live in Los Angeles, and it's about senior citizens fighting about stuff, and they go fishing.

01:10:20.560 But let's hear more.

01:10:21.840 You know, by the time I was old enough to remember them, half my grandparents passed on.

01:10:26.860 Yeah, grandparents used to die a lot earlier when we were young.

01:10:30.120 You know, these kids nowadays, they get it all.

01:10:32.020 They get the iPads, and they got the Pokemon card.

01:10:35.240 You know, they ain't getting as many diseases.

01:10:38.080 I remember we used to all get a disease, dude. 0.98

01:10:40.340 Everybody had fucking, you know, some type of syndrome or, you know, their spine was, you know, just working freelance. 0.98

01:10:48.780 Everybody's fucking living a little bit Jenga in the back, all the scoliosis tests, all of that. 0.99

01:10:54.600 Everybody was coming in, you know, one of their eyes didn't work super good. 0.99

01:10:59.640 They had to hold their eye open while they took tests and shit. 0.99

01:11:02.580 Everybody had something. 0.99

01:11:03.480 But now everybody's living joyously and having all their grandparents.

01:11:07.160 Let's hear more.

01:11:08.460 And by then, the other half maybe didn't have time to go out and spend a whole day out on the ice with a youngster.

01:11:14.840 Yeah, that's the truth.

01:11:15.700 Remember that?

01:11:16.080 Back in the day, your grandparents, they couldn't even, by the time you knew them, they couldn't do nothing.

01:11:19.640 They was eating gelatin.

01:11:21.280 That was it.

01:11:22.460 They was just shoveling gelatin and, you know, just stuffing their faces with gelatin and doing suppositories and stuff when they could,

01:11:30.280 when they could catch a little hit off of, you know, a batch of a prescription.

01:11:34.860 You know, I remember my dad would put his walker.

01:11:36.760 My dad had a walker.

01:11:37.620 He put it out in the yard.

01:11:38.640 That was our jungle gym. 1.00

01:11:40.700 We'd climb around on his walker out there in the front yard, fucking just spinning off that bitch. 1.00

01:11:46.000 And just landing out in the mud, dude. 0.99

01:11:48.460 Had a beautiful dismount, actually.

01:11:50.280 I had a beautiful dismount when I was probably about six and a half, boy. 0.98

01:11:54.560 Like, damn, Dominic Moguy. 0.80

01:11:57.280 Dominic, is it Moguyasu? 0.99

01:11:59.620 You know who I'm talking about.

01:12:04.300 Gabby Douglas.

01:12:05.600 Let's hear more.

01:12:07.460 But it was a real special day, and I hope my son gets to carry it with him into the future.

01:12:13.080 I know that I got to take a little bit of time and sit back and appreciate watching him out there with my father and my father-in-law.

01:12:18.940 Just loving life, running around like a little rascal on the ice, watching flags pop, catching bass and chain pickerel.

01:12:25.980 Congrats on the new studio, brother.

01:12:27.180 Thanks, Nate.

01:12:29.640 Wow, that's a great call, man.

01:12:31.340 That's a great call.

01:12:32.820 And you can hit the hotline with your best or worst weekend, whatever your weekend was like.

01:12:35.920 You don't have to – and it needs to be something that just happened.

01:12:37.960 So just make it fresh, and there's no pressure.

01:12:39.920 We'll do it every month.

01:12:40.640 We're going to give away one of those correctional center blue T-shirts to whoever's, you know, kind of hit home the most.

01:12:47.700 And we appreciate it, Nate.

01:12:49.480 Yeah, it's a beautiful feeling, man, seeing that, you know, seeing what that's like.

01:12:54.740 I remember my grandparents when I was probably six years old, maybe five or six, because I had a long gap where I didn't get to spend time with them.

01:13:05.080 But they took me fishing for the first time, and I was walking on this trail up to Atkinson.

01:13:11.180 It was an old fishing camp out just in rural Illinois.

01:13:16.100 It was called Atkinson, and it was awesome, man.

01:13:19.340 And they had just Spoon River flowed through there or around there, and they had – you know, you probably read those plays, the Spoon River anthologies.

01:13:27.740 And anyhow, a snake, this black snake – and I'm not getting racial. 0.97

01:13:33.940 The snake was black. 0.99

01:13:34.860 It has nothing to do with anything.

01:13:38.160 It wrapped itself around my boot, and my grandmother saw it.

01:13:44.720 I didn't see it.

01:13:45.360 She said, stop, don't move.

01:13:47.360 And she had this big stick, right? 1.00

01:13:50.080 And she swung that thing and hit me in the fucking shin. 1.00

01:13:53.500 And, I mean, I can still feel the pain. 0.99

01:13:59.220 The pain didn't even – it hurt so bad.

01:14:01.300 It didn't even start in my shin.

01:14:02.500 It started in my stomach.

01:14:05.560 It just like – oh, I just wanted to – I mean, it almost just made both of my lungs crawl out of my face and just look for hope in the distance.

01:14:17.540 So she did that to me. 1.00

01:14:19.420 But, yeah, that sounds like a beautiful time that you had, and thank you for sharing that, Nate.

01:14:23.440 We got this other call that came in right here.

01:14:26.540 Here we go.

01:14:28.600 Hey, Theo.

01:14:29.260 This is Aaron.

01:14:30.600 I just wanted to – I'm a huge fan of the podcast and your stand-up.

01:14:34.840 Thank you very much, Aaron.

01:14:36.300 I think you're hilarious, man.

01:14:38.520 Just have a question.

01:14:39.820 You know, I got out of a bad relationship with this girl about two years ago.

01:14:46.680 Okay.

01:14:47.320 Welcome out.

01:14:49.360 And since then, I don't know, man.

01:14:51.400 Like, we were kind of engaged, so when she broke it off and she left me for some other dude, that kind of left me in a bad rap.

01:14:59.380 And I just – I think I got like this – yeah, I'm traumatized from it because I can't exactly approach women the same way I used to anymore because I got that fear in me.

01:15:09.960 I got that trauma.

01:15:11.640 So, I guess my question to you is, I mean, have you been in that situation before?

01:15:17.300 If you have, how do you deal with it?

01:15:19.120 Because I'm open to any ideas.

01:15:20.340 Thank you for calling, Aaron.

01:15:23.560 Have I been in that situation before where I felt traumatized by approaching women or I felt scared to approach women?

01:15:29.100 Yeah.

01:15:30.220 Yeah, I've been in that situation.

01:15:32.100 I think most of my life I've lived it.

01:15:34.360 You know, I think that's a natural fear of a lot of men.

01:15:38.460 So, for one, don't feel alone.

01:15:40.400 I think talking to other friends about it and going with somebody else if you're really trying to meet a girl in a bad way.

01:15:49.040 You know, I met a comedian one time, and this was in Madison, Wisconsin, and he told me, he said, you know what I do?

01:15:53.540 He goes, I'll walk up to a woman I'm interested in, and I'll just say, look, you really caught my eye.

01:16:01.280 And I'm nervous right now, but I wanted to say hello.

01:16:04.920 And if they're a decent person, a decent woman, they're at least going to communicate with you. 1.00

01:16:14.340 They're going to understand that you're being real.

01:16:17.480 They're going to feel something.

01:16:19.780 You know, as long as you ain't creeping or you're not wearing, you know, as long as you got your shirt sleeves on your, if a shirt came with shirt sleeves, as long as that shirt still has those sleeves on it, and you didn't cut them off, or you're not, you know, your neck's clean and your ears are clean.

01:16:34.180 Then a decent woman is going to communicate with you, and a woman that's not worth it isn't going to. 1.00

01:16:41.520 Now, the one who communicates, she might not love you.

01:16:43.460 She might not ask you out.

01:16:44.600 She might not accept your offer if you ask her out, but she's going to communicate with you.

01:16:51.240 And I think you got to, it sounds like you have to put some of that past to rest.

01:16:56.300 It sounds like you're still, you got this, you know, this anchor back there with this lady.

01:17:01.200 How do you let that go?

01:17:02.400 Well, some of it takes time.

01:17:06.140 You know, you can't hurry that.

01:17:08.080 Some of it just takes time.

01:17:10.140 So what you can do while that is, I mean, it just takes time.

01:17:13.300 They say it takes twice as many years to get over a relationship than you were in it, especially if you were almost engaged.

01:17:20.460 I don't know what that means, if you were afraid to do it or she didn't want to do it.

01:17:23.720 But for whatever reason that didn't work out, it wasn't supposed to work out.

01:17:28.920 Wherever you are right now in your life, that's where you're supposed to be.

01:17:34.040 You know, there's probably some really good stuff right around the corner for you.

01:17:37.140 But you got to, you got to, you got to show up with your posture each day.

01:17:41.740 You got to look up if you want to see it.

01:17:44.420 You know, you're going to have to wake up and open your eyes and feel hopeful.

01:17:47.720 I notice the second I start to feel real hope, like I start to feel hopeful, like I start to go into my day and be like, instead of being like, fuck, another day, another day where I'm, you know, not with her, another day where I'm at the same job or another day where I have to sit in traffic or as soon as I think that way, that's where I'm stuck all day. 0.65

01:18:07.960 Or when I wake up and say, guess what? 0.99

01:18:11.820 Another big dick just woke up in the universe today. 1.00

01:18:16.200 Guess what? 1.00

01:18:17.560 I got my eyes open and I got a strong snout.

01:18:21.660 I might smell a pot of gold in the distance.

01:18:25.540 I might find treasure today.

01:18:27.960 You know, I might catch a rare animal.

01:18:31.000 I might ride a unicorn.

01:18:32.900 I might kiss a donkey.

01:18:34.320 I might do something. 0.98

01:18:35.340 Anything could happen.

01:18:36.260 When I show up and say, yeah, I might sit in traffic today, but I might meet a hottie in my car. 1.00

01:18:43.460 Because you know where a girl can't get away from you? 1.00

01:18:45.860 In traffic.

01:18:47.140 At least probably not for two to four minutes.

01:18:49.760 So when you bump, when you neck and neck with her, throw that flirt. 1.00

01:18:53.640 Roll down your window.

01:18:55.360 You know what I'm saying?

01:18:55.780 Put on some two chains.

01:18:57.680 Show somebody who, show her your vibe without saying a word.

01:19:02.560 Sometimes you can show your vibe without even saying a word, boy.

01:19:06.260 You know, ride around with one of those, those, those party things you get at a party.

01:19:11.840 Those things that bother everybody that they, they roll out and then roll back in.

01:19:16.060 One of those little party favors.

01:19:17.900 Throw one of those in the car. 1.00

01:19:19.800 Put on some fucking Nelly. 1.00

01:19:21.160 You're telling me if, now you're telling me if you drive past a good girl and you're busting some Nelly and blowing those party favors, and if she don't look over twice, that's not on you. 1.00

01:19:34.140 That's on her.

01:19:35.600 You just gratefully lost a bad girl. 1.00

01:19:39.900 Be grateful when you lose the bad ones.

01:19:42.060 That's another thing.

01:19:44.320 You know, you see a girl you're nice to, or you said something nice.

01:19:47.240 It's okay.

01:19:47.880 She can, as long as she's, if she's nice and friendly and cordial, good.

01:19:51.240 This is a good girl. 0.99

01:19:52.560 But some girl that's just like, they want to be a cunt, or they want to be rude because you just said hello. 1.00

01:19:57.940 Or you're trying, they know you're nervous and they still just shut your nerves down. 0.99

01:20:01.420 You'd be grateful you didn't end up with that broad because you're going to have fun fucking her for a couple weeks, and then you are going to lose half your money to her in nine months somehow through some dirty alimony or something. 1.00

01:20:17.960 You know, whatever the place, whatever path you're on right now, it's okay, man, and you got to take some time to heal. 0.97

01:20:23.880 But while you're healing, do not feel bad for taking that time, and that could be the little prison you get caught in.

01:20:30.100 Because sometimes, you know, not only will I be feeling, well, not only will I have some feeling of sadness from something that occurred prior in my life, but then I'll feel bad for feeling bad.

01:20:42.900 And that's not a good sensation.

01:20:45.780 So if you feel that sensation, man, you feel that vibe, let that thing go.

01:20:50.400 Find something good.

01:20:51.600 Spend time with some buddies.

01:20:53.180 You know, you'd be amazed how, find a buddy that has a good girlfriend, and guess who she'll know. 1.00

01:21:00.100 Other good girlfriends.

01:21:02.420 You know, sometimes we think it's this element where we got to just put all of it to meet somebody.

01:21:06.660 Get involved in a program, something new, something different.

01:21:11.020 Man, you'll find somebody.

01:21:12.820 You'll find somebody.

01:21:14.400 And you'll find them when you're ready.

01:21:17.200 You know?

01:21:18.500 But you show up hopeful to each day, man.

01:21:21.040 You show up hopeful, bro.

01:21:22.880 Because if I'm going to sit here and be hopeful for you, then you better be hopeful for yourself.

01:21:27.280 I'm saying don't put it all on me, man.

01:21:31.020 This other call came in, man.

01:21:32.220 We're going to finish up right here, man.

01:21:33.420 And this was, I want to play it for you guys first.

01:21:37.280 But Aaron, good luck, man.

01:21:38.180 Keep your head up, dude.

01:21:39.160 I love you, bro.

01:21:40.440 You know?

01:21:40.820 And if I was, you know, if I was a little more Irish, I'd get Irish with you.

01:21:44.580 I'd try to help you out there.

01:21:46.640 But if anything, you can always just wait until next St. Paddy's Day.

01:21:50.340 And at least get a load off, you know, from somebody.

01:21:54.000 From anybody.

01:21:54.920 Here we go.

01:21:56.300 Let's hear more.

01:21:57.000 All right, Theo, mate.

01:22:02.660 I'm not sure if it's obvious from my tone, but a little bit uncomfortable leaving this message.

01:22:10.080 Okay.

01:22:10.700 No worries, brother.

01:22:12.780 You know, that's okay, man.

01:22:14.080 I've been uncomfortable.

01:22:16.540 I've been uncomfortable, man.

01:22:18.240 So don't feel uncomfortable, please.

01:22:20.920 Just sort of want someone to talk to about this.

01:22:23.020 And I know the Theo Vaughn past weekend family.

01:22:29.740 I think there's some people who can give me some useful feedback.

01:22:36.440 Yeah, man.

01:22:37.200 We can certainly try it if we can.

01:22:39.960 Onward.

01:22:42.840 I guess I've run into a bit of a crossroads in my life. 0.99

01:22:51.720 Sort of chatting shit. 0.99

01:22:53.020 But, yeah, I've got a bit of a drug problem. 0.99

01:23:00.020 And, yeah, I don't know.

01:23:01.840 My problem is that I keep on justifying everything with, like, self-pity.

01:23:09.720 And, I don't know, at what point do you stop feeling sorry for yourself?

01:23:13.340 That's, like, my question. 0.99

01:23:14.860 But, yeah, I'm kind of chatting absolute fucking drivel. 0.98

01:23:19.960 But, yeah, man. 0.99

01:23:21.060 No, you're not, man.

01:23:22.580 Onward.

01:23:23.020 I love the show.

01:23:24.260 Been listening for, like, a year now.

01:23:27.360 Yeah, man.

01:23:28.020 Take it easy.

01:23:28.520 Thanks for calling, man.

01:23:31.400 I appreciate it.

01:23:32.740 You know, you weren't talking absolute drivel, you know.

01:23:37.480 I appreciate you calling.

01:23:38.480 I appreciate you calling.

01:23:42.200 Excuse me, man.

01:23:44.100 Yeah, I appreciate you calling, dude.

01:23:45.500 I could, you know.

01:23:47.420 At what point?

01:23:48.300 I'm going to hear this one more time, man.

01:23:50.360 I'm going to hear this one more time.

01:23:51.440 Yeah, I don't know.

01:23:52.900 Yeah, I don't know.

01:23:52.940 My problem is that I keep on justifying everything with, like, self-pity.

01:24:00.780 And, I don't know.

01:24:02.060 At what point do you stop feeling sorry for yourself?

01:24:04.460 That's, like, my question. 0.99

01:24:05.980 But, yeah, I'm kind of chatting absolute fuck. 0.99

01:24:09.960 At what point do you stop feeling sorry for yourself? 1.00

01:24:13.380 You know, it's crazy, man.

01:24:14.480 It can become an addiction.

01:24:15.640 Ended up feeling sorry for yourself can almost become an addiction in itself.

01:24:21.440 Because when you feel sorry for yourself, it's at least a feeling.

01:24:31.400 You know, and sometimes after a while, it's, like, the only thing you know how to feel.

01:24:34.220 So, and it's sad, man.

01:24:37.980 It's an unfortunate situation.

01:24:39.960 But guess what?

01:24:42.700 You're not alone, man.

01:24:45.360 You're going to be okay.

01:24:47.280 I thought about this earlier, actually.

01:24:49.000 I listened to this call, and it really hit home for me.

01:24:53.060 And so, I actually wrote down my answers because I want to be able to, you know, express myself as clearly as I can.

01:25:00.560 First, I want to say thank you.

01:25:01.900 And also, I wanted to read this, actually.

01:25:05.060 Because this same caller sent an email as well that explained, he sent a text message into the hotline that explained his thoughts a little more.

01:25:15.480 He said, Theo V, the boy, this is me again hitting you up from London, UK.

01:25:22.220 If my memory serves me correctly, my voice messages I left were pretty incomprehensible.

01:25:27.100 I'm bombarding you with messages and calls at this point, but I just want to clear things up.

01:25:31.280 I can write better than I can talk.

01:25:32.900 I live the first 19 years of my life in excessive comfort, the perfect family, and no worries about anything.

01:25:39.920 In the last year, everything has collapsed.

01:25:42.600 My dad was diagnosed with MS, and my mom has suffered a schizophrenic episode and left my dad. 0.99

01:25:47.800 I know still my life is cushy, but the adjustment from never having faced anything difficult to a storm of shite raining down on my face has been difficult. 0.84

01:25:58.680 Consequently, I've justified letting my life completely separate to my family fall apart, and I've been taking cocaine more days than I haven't for months now, and I think it's time to stop. 0.99

01:26:11.320 It seems stupid, but I've listened to your podcast every fucking F-K-I-N. 0.99

01:26:17.000 That's that British version, and I like that. 0.99

01:26:19.280 Every fucking episode for about a year now, and although you don't know me, I feel like I know you. 0.95

01:26:23.740 Can you offer any advice? 0.97

01:26:24.960 Because I want to take my life back into my hands.

01:26:28.180 Love you, bro.

01:26:28.840 Yeah, man, I just appreciate you sharing.

01:26:33.160 I appreciate you being brave enough to say some of these things, man, because I can sympathize.

01:26:44.940 Man, you got me hooked up here.

01:26:47.820 I've been right there, man.

01:26:51.020 I've been right there.

01:26:52.160 So just know that the place, when you feel those feelings, that you're not alone, and I appreciate you calling and sharing about them, and I wrote down some suggestions.

01:27:05.200 I wrote down some suggestions, man, because I care, bro.

01:27:08.080 I care about you.

01:27:10.100 I've never been a huge fan of the British, but I love you, bro.

01:27:14.220 Well, I want you to say, I wanted to know that you made a big step by realizing you have a problem that you can't handle,

01:27:20.700 and you've taken a good step by reaching out to anyone, to anyone, man.

01:27:26.900 You know, that's the first step, because now this thing isn't just yours anymore, you know?

01:27:32.080 You're taking a step, and I'm grateful for that.

01:27:35.380 And a lot of people don't take those steps for many years.

01:27:37.860 You're 19, you're 20, you're doing this stuff now, and you're going to have a bright future.

01:27:44.500 You're already aware kind of of a crossroads, it sounds like.

01:27:47.980 You know, a lot of drug abusers and alcoholics, you know, you reach a point where you don't know what to do.

01:27:58.980 You don't know what to do.

01:28:01.420 Your life becomes unmanageable, because you're managing it, but it's not, you're not doing it well,

01:28:07.980 and then it comes to the point where almost it's managing you.

01:28:11.600 But self-pity, you had asked about, it's a feeling that grows on itself.

01:28:20.800 It's almost like, you know, if you stay like inside and feel depressed, and you don't go out in the sun,

01:28:27.480 depression will build.

01:28:29.520 It's almost like moss on a tree.

01:28:30.900 It builds on the side away from the sun.

01:28:32.720 So, self-pity is a feeling that grows on itself.

01:28:37.520 There's no way out of it by feeling more of it.

01:28:40.580 If that makes any sense to you, there's no way out of self-pity by feeling more self-pity.

01:28:46.140 But there are people and programs that can help change your perception about what you're going through,

01:28:51.020 slowly but surely.

01:28:53.100 What you're going through doesn't sound fun,

01:28:54.960 but numbing it with drugs only makes the reality of it worse to wake up to every day.

01:29:01.140 You're establishing a cycle that will just get harder to get out of the longer that you don't face it.

01:29:07.880 You don't have to worry about helping your family right now.

01:29:10.620 You know, you can, because you're not going to be able to help them if you can't help yourself.

01:29:14.880 So you've got to get into a better place.

01:29:16.440 It sounds like it's too much pressure if you think I have to help my family.

01:29:24.860 I have to get sober up right now and help my family.

01:29:27.400 It's too much pressure.

01:29:28.980 All you have to do right now is care about yourself.

01:29:38.620 And I feel like that's what you're doing.

01:29:41.020 And I can't tell you if you have a problem.

01:29:42.940 I can't tell you.

01:29:44.420 You know, everybody's life is different.

01:29:46.440 But I can tell you that there are people and programs out there that

01:29:53.980 can help you live in a much more comfortable place.

01:30:08.120 And I know it's going to sound crazy.

01:30:10.080 You're going to think it's not possible.

01:30:13.140 That there's not.

01:30:13.780 And I'm, I, it is, it is a hundred percent possible.

01:30:22.440 You know, I mean, I've been there, you know, I don't know if I've been in the same place

01:30:26.820 as you, but I've been in a place where I was just doing, I was doing drugs because the,

01:30:32.660 I just, it was the only feeling I could, I needed drugs to have a feeling. 0.96

01:30:36.540 It just made me feel fucked up. 0.90

01:30:40.860 And that was the last feeling I could, I was just having so much trouble feeling anything else. 0.99

01:30:47.340 And so I was like, oh, here, this, at least it makes me feel fucked up. 0.98

01:30:51.000 But not anymore, man. 0.98

01:30:54.620 You know, not right now.

01:30:58.160 Right now.

01:30:59.080 I'm having a day where I am, I am getting feelings from other people.

01:31:09.780 I'm able to sit here and feel what you're feeling.

01:31:12.740 And I can really feel it, man.

01:31:14.720 I'm not just sitting here saying I, I can feel it.

01:31:17.860 I can feel what you're feeling.

01:31:19.060 And I wouldn't be able to do that if I didn't get some help for myself.

01:31:25.640 So I'll, I'll text you as well, man.

01:31:28.540 I know your number came through the hotline and I'll text you and hit you up.

01:31:31.760 And maybe we can jump on the phone too if there's anything else I can talk about privately.

01:31:34.720 But I appreciate you hitting the hotline, man.

01:31:36.680 That's huge.

01:31:38.100 You know, you just made my birthday.

01:31:42.740 You know, I hope in some moment today in my life or this week in my life

01:31:47.460 that I'm able to be as strong as you were

01:31:50.800 by being, you know, probably as, probably as honest,

01:31:57.560 you know, just as being as honest and being as brave 0.50

01:32:00.340 to fucking say, hey, you know, something's going on with me 0.91

01:32:03.820 and it doesn't feel okay. 0.98

01:32:06.520 So, you know, I appreciate that, man.

01:32:10.520 Thank you very much.

01:32:13.360 And I got to, I got to run to the comedy store, guys.

01:32:15.220 I got to be there actually in about 20 minutes.

01:32:16.920 And I'm not trying to bail on you.

01:32:19.380 I'm not trying to bail on anybody.

01:32:21.320 But it's heading into my birthday.

01:32:23.500 If you have any thoughts or suggestions or any feelings or anything that came in to you,

01:32:28.000 ideas, suggestions for any of these callers that hit the hotline,

01:32:31.300 please feel free.

01:32:33.520 Feel free to hit the hotline, 985-664-9503,

01:32:37.040 and share those thoughts and share those feelings.

01:32:39.180 And we will see if maybe we'll put them in on the next episode

01:32:43.480 and we can get back.

01:32:45.820 And that way some of our listeners can give back to some of the people that called in.

01:32:50.400 And if not, if you have a different issue or thought or suggestion

01:32:52.660 or anything you want to talk about, you got a question for me,

01:32:55.320 hit me up.

01:32:55.940 Let me know.

01:32:57.420 It can be about anything.

01:32:58.540 But you know what?

01:33:01.620 Find a way to feel something.

01:33:03.480 Find a way to feel something.

01:33:05.420 Because that's why I'm here.

01:33:07.280 You know, that's why I'm here.

01:33:09.040 You know, I don't want to feel bad anymore.

01:33:11.800 You know, I want to feel some sensations.

01:33:14.400 And I want them to feel good.

01:33:16.540 So if you got to get Irish, 0.96

01:33:18.660 you know, if you got to propose to somebody,

01:33:21.360 if you got to, you know, tell your cousin that you hate,

01:33:24.680 if you got to just hug them, you know,

01:33:27.540 whatever you got to do, find somebody. 0.98

01:33:31.680 Find somebody and fucking feel something. 0.99

01:33:35.680 You know, and feel something. 0.99

01:33:38.300 And I love you over there in London, man.

01:33:40.120 Keep your head up, dude.

01:33:41.220 You got this.

01:33:43.360 You know, you started, right this moment,

01:33:46.580 you started something.

01:33:48.540 You started making your life better.

01:33:51.360 You started making your life better.

01:33:52.880 I promise you that.

01:33:55.740 And also, you know, anything I say on these shows,

01:33:57.660 these are suggestions.

01:33:58.480 I don't know anything.

01:34:00.600 I just know, you know, just some of my own things,

01:34:04.740 what I've been through.

01:34:05.920 But I love you guys, man.

01:34:07.060 Y'all be good to yourselves.

01:34:07.940 Hit the hotline for my birthday gift.

01:34:10.700 Subscribe on iTunes.

01:34:13.320 Throw a comment up there.

01:34:14.320 It could just be anything.

01:34:16.040 You know, it could be anything.

01:34:17.860 And I appreciate you guys so much.

01:34:20.960 We might have an episode on Thursday.

01:34:22.880 We'll see.

01:34:23.500 We're getting the studio put in.

01:34:25.200 I'm so close to being able to have a guest.

01:34:27.680 Thank you, Patreon.

01:34:29.320 Thank you, Grayblock.

01:34:30.800 Thank you, Starflow.

01:34:31.940 We'll have links to all of those at the bottom of the podcast.

01:34:34.680 I will be in Tampa, Florida,

01:34:37.260 on April 6th and 7th.

01:34:39.480 I will be at Bananas Comedy Club on April 20th and 21st in Hackensack, New Jersey.

01:34:47.640 And I will be in Calgary, June 15th through the 17th in Calgary, Canada, at Yuck Yucks Comedy.

01:34:56.260 More sets coming soon.

01:34:57.820 More dates.

01:34:58.600 You can support on Patreon.

01:35:00.840 You can grab an Onward T-shirt at Theovan.com slash store.

01:35:08.000 Tickets at Theovan.com slash tour.

01:35:11.060 And be good to yourselves, man, because I know you deserve it.

01:35:15.380 Happy birthday to you guys, man.

01:35:16.740 Thank you so much for being here with me.

01:35:18.260 Man, I feel okay.

01:35:48.260 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club,

01:36:03.200 a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events,

01:36:07.260 stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.

01:36:10.980 The answer may shock you.

01:36:12.700 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

01:36:14.760 Sometimes I won't.

01:36:15.620 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

01:36:19.380 You have three new voice messages.

01:36:22.400 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

01:36:25.300 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.

01:36:27.980 Longer than anybody else.

01:36:29.600 So great.

01:36:30.960 Hi.

01:36:31.600 Sweetie.

01:36:32.560 Here's a deal. 1.00

01:36:33.940 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. 1.00

01:36:37.900 Jermaine. 0.99

01:36:39.280 Hi.

01:36:40.040 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

01:36:42.960 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

01:36:44.640 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

01:36:49.780 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:36:53.940 Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:36:58.160 Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts,

01:37:01.780 or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

01:37:03.940 And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.

01:37:07.020 All right.

01:37:22.360 All right.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - March 19, 2018

Birth Sensations ｜ This Past Weekend #81

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