Chris Distefano 2 ｜ This Past Weekend #265
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 31 minutes
Words per Minute
215.11581
Summary
Chris DeStefano is a comedian and former co-host of the History Hyenas Podcast. He talks about his time on the Opie and Anthony show and the tragic death of Carl Ruiz, a chef who died at the age of 40.
Transcript
00:00:00.000
Today's guest is a friend of mine from our time on the Opie and Anthony show and Opie and Jim Norton as well.
00:00:09.900
He's one of the hosts of the History Hyenas podcast.
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I think drugs didn't help him, but I think it was just eating.
00:01:02.360
I personally think that, just my opinion, that he was really fucking sad and devastated when his wife divorced him.
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And then he moved to a cabin in the woods and was like, hey, I cut her a check for whatever, 200K.
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Every day was like, shot of whiskey and, you know, fucked up food.
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Like, he would be like, yo, I eat McDonald's all day, every day.
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He would just, and he would always post ruizing, R-U-I-Z-I-N-G, ruizing.
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Like, the worst shit, you know, Big Mac with a devil dog with syrup on it and would eat it.
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And people start tweeting at him, ruizing, ruizing, and then he just didn't wake up one
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But I think, you know, when you're in your mid 40s, you start doing stuff like that.
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Cause it's like, you know, that's the, and he's a chef too.
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Everybody's seen that type of name, but, and also, yeah, you never kind of know how it
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And he, dude, that's gotta be your worst nightmare.
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I don't know if that is actually how it happened.
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That's what he said on, you know, when we used to do Opie and all that.
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But it's the story of the, it's just a, it's such a Greek tragedy almost.
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Then you got this little Millie fricking Vanilli guy out here.
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Filling waters and fricking offering extra butter.
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Most chances are a bus boy working at a restaurant in New Jersey's last name is also Ruiz.
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Cause he raised her kids like they were his own.
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Cause those weren't his biological children, but they called him dad and everything like
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And then he had just opened up this beautiful brand spanking ass new restaurant, I believe
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I think the restaurant is closed now because he's gone or maybe, or maybe it changed, something
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So, but yeah, he was, um, it was such a shocking thing when he died.
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So I always wondered if there was something rotting in, inside him.
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He always had stinky breath and that's no disrespect.
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You know, I wouldn't, I wouldn't do that, but I'm saying I used to say like his breath
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And I'm just wondering if that, if there was something always going on like a hole or something.
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It seemed like he kind of took a, like did one of those, um, Zen dip packs and never took
00:04:00.920
Like he got a, what is that thing that women get if they leave a tampon in for too long?
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It seemed like he had toxic shock syndrome from a Zen dip.
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It smelled like one of his tonsils was dead and the other one was alive.
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Like just, it wasn't all the way horrid, but something, there was some part of him,
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if his, of his mouth, like a dead tooth or a dead tonsil, something or food stuck,
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And the living one had hid the dead one and was telling the cops he didn't know what happened
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But you know, RIP to Carl, I love him and I always will.
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And, and that, and that's when you and I met, dude.
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Well, because if he died that early, he probably had a little heart.
00:05:03.480
And we got, uh, we got Nick Davis and, uh, Dom DePettis here too.
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They didn't, we didn't have enough time to get him on camera.
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You're one of those rare guys that can pull off bangs.
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Dude, you guys were just, uh, you and Dom were just in, um, Cleveland, right?
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The last time I went through there, I sold like 500 seats, which for me, that was good.
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But this time, the whole weekend, 1500 out of 1600.
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And I was telling him, telling you before the show, it all started when I came on your
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But you and Bert, when I did you guys back to back in the same week, I will never forget.
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I had, I was just telling Dom this, I had 99,000 followers on Monday, like when I came
00:06:03.680
back, you know, as it came through the weekend, then you and Bert released in the same week.
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So now followers, who cares about the followers?
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You guys gave me a real opportunity to gain your fans and give me the opportunity for me
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And then they stuck around and they're still buying.
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And now they're fans of my podcast, the History Hyenas, and because we get it all the time
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We always send out a little service and it's always like this past weekend or Bert show
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or there's a Big Pockets in New York, Girls Gotta Eat, Andrew Schultz.
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And then recently, The Fighter and the Kid that I did a couple of months ago, all that
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Like it's got nothing to do with television at all anymore.
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It's just a podcast and what you can, how you can maximize that on the internet.
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Well, look, I'm glad that you came and I'm glad you came back, man.
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I know that's one of those things I've never said to you, but I've been watching your IG
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for a long time and I've been friends with you, I think since 2013, 14, and you got some
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I didn't realize that you're, cause you're wearing thong-toed sandals right now.
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I'd like to put mustard on your toes and ketchup on your fingers and take a bite out of your
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Is thong-toed sandals, is that too much for, is that like a woman kind of wearing a thong or
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If you came out, if you, I'll be honest with you, if you came to my part of Brooklyn,
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With the thong-toed sandals like that, there's a chance, not when you're with me, but there's
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a chance, like, you know, one of my boys' names, Pat Finnegan, Patty Fly Balls, he would hit
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Just because he would think like, why is this dude coming out with his no socks on?
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Hey, so you got a guy, an adult doing frickin' the lamest crime ever, bro?
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Are you gonna rob a bank with a slingshot, dude?
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Dude, he used to tape quarters and nickels to the end of a tape, a wiffle ball bat, and
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then put tape around it and just hit people in the back of the head with it.
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Dude, when I was young, people used, if people, if somebody was really upset, you would go up
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to him and you'd be like, you're mad, you would hit your throat and say, you're mad.
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There's something about that when people, you're mad.
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You go like that and then they'd look, see if caught you, you'd get punched in the stomach
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It's like dangerous youth, it's like white crime, it's like white childhood homoerotic crime.
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I gotta be honest with you though, man, the neighborhood I grew up in, we did that white
00:08:32.440
But if you fucked with the Albanians, the Albanians in my name.
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In Ridgewood, Queens, Ridgewood, Bushwick area, Queens, Brooklyn area.
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Somebody elbowed one of the Albanians by accident.
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Kid got pissed off, came back 20 minutes later, 10 deep, okay?
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Two of the Albanians had chainsaws, active chainsaws, running on the court with the chainsaws
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Yeah, so nobody ever messed with the Albanians in my neighborhood.
00:09:06.100
But imagine somebody coming at you with a chainsaw for realsies.
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Yeah, dude, I used to work, I used to do, not logging, but I did yard work for a man.
00:09:15.520
And, yeah, you guys obviously never done any actual work, but, and I had to work with this
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They called him Tiger Cat, but I don't remember what his name was.
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And so one, so they, we get one chainsaw between the two of us, right?
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And he's literally lining up the thing and about to start it.
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And instead of having it on a branch, has it lined up on my leg, bro.
00:10:04.360
And you got thick fucking tree trunk legs, too.
00:10:18.940
I got the ass of a D, kind of like a young black girl with Down syndrome.
00:10:25.580
Yeah, I don't feel, I feel tired, but I do, I did go, I did go to the gym this morning
00:10:32.880
Dude, what's it like different now that if you, when people, you're selling tickets, like what's
00:10:38.060
Um, I would say that now it's, it actually, to be honest with you, the last three shows
00:10:45.620
I've done three weeks I've done at least one of those four or five shows, I felt like I
00:10:49.320
was going to pass out and almost actively passed out at least one time a weekend because
00:10:54.740
Donnie was with me in hilarities last week and I was calling for him about 20 minutes
00:10:58.740
I was like, you need to be near me because I may faint.
00:11:02.980
I think it's like this pressure that they know who you are now and you better do well.
00:11:06.940
But the thing that saves me is because of the podcast, the History Hyena podcast, I'm
00:11:11.220
so honest and open about it as I was talking to the crowd being like, yo, I'm going to go
00:11:16.100
Well, cause my podcast partner, Giannis Papas, we call him Yanni Nets because he did pass
00:11:22.000
So he was always, always got to have Nets behind him.
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I was like, I, so I'm going to be Chrissy Nets.
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But if they didn't know who I was, I would have fully passed out at Hilarities.
00:11:39.700
So there's a little bit of a anxiety inducing thing to it, but then it's also like sometimes
00:11:45.640
too good to be true because that's what I'm happy that I'm nowhere near my goal yet, not
00:11:50.760
even close, but I'm happy to be climbing at the pace I'm climbing because I've started
00:11:56.080
out as a, of course, open miker, then would feature on the road, MC on the road, then feature
00:12:00.980
on the road and then headline, you know, the low D rooms.
00:12:03.400
Even if I got into A rooms, it would be July 4th weekend or some half full weekend, not
00:12:07.920
really getting paid what I deserved at the time, but not, you know, I wasn't making any
00:12:13.000
And now to start climbing and sell out shows before I get there or sell a lot of tickets.
00:12:17.260
But you say pressure, like, what do you mean pressure?
00:12:27.400
They feel like they're going to be let down anyway.
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They're like got barked in or they got a free flyer to go to a show where as opposed
00:12:32.460
to somebody now paid a whatever, 20, 30, sometimes $40 ticket price, you know, depending
00:12:38.140
on whatever venue you're at, you know, you know how it is sometimes.
00:12:43.520
Listen, man, my daughter eats a lot of fucking applesauce.
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There's pressure to be like, I need to, these people, they have paid money.
00:13:00.860
I was thinking recently that I felt like a more of a pressure.
00:13:04.900
I liked having the element of surprise a lot and it's hard.
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It's a little tougher to have it when people are coming out.
00:13:13.900
You know, there's when people don't know how you're going to be.
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There's an element of you can, there's an element of surprise.
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There's an L there's like a, there's a mystery you can kind of play with.
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You know, they don't know you, you know, there's like a, I don't know.
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If I don't know who this guy is, then I can be, you know, I could be pleasantly surprised.
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I could be unaware of how, you know, how he's entertaining me sometimes.
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You know, it could be, you know, his humor could be very unique.
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Whereas then if people know you, then it's different, you know, since you've been at the successful
00:13:47.660
have you been out with the theaters and all that?
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Like just a nice settle in front of, you know, 1500 plus, just a real stinker.
00:14:16.580
There's nothing, the only things that can make comedians belly, belly, belly laugh
00:14:20.780
is watching another good comedian bomb and a fart joke or a fart or just not even a fart
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joke, just an actual, just a wet, nasty fucking rip your asshole third gear fart.
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You see that guy in barstool with the third gear fart?
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What fart, do you think the farts are getting nastier in certain countries or not?
00:14:41.940
Well, I think that's why I think we need a wall is because I think, you know, outside
00:14:45.860
the United States, those farts, man, that's the reason I, every time Trump's like, we need
00:14:56.720
Don't sleep on how disgusting Canadian fart could be.
00:15:03.460
I want a wall around all that because there's a wall around us, man.
00:15:06.580
Well, why does it, everybody should just get a little wall that they can bring with
00:15:10.920
Canada and Mexico, because the truth of the situation-
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This is the, ain't ever hear a fart hit third gear is the caption.
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And they're probably going to, and they're going to blame it somehow on white people, I'm
00:15:44.340
Dude, I was watching that thing for an hour yesterday, crying.
00:15:48.200
Dude, my beautiful four-year-old daughter was doing ballet and doing some of the finest
00:15:52.280
moves she's ever done and getting to new heights in her life, and I was head buried in the
00:15:55.680
phone crying, laughing because of this dude's third gear fart.
00:15:59.440
And her mom was like, this is why we can't be together.
00:16:10.360
At first, my kid's mom thought I was crying because of how beautiful.
00:16:18.980
And look at, are they husband and wife, you think?
00:16:24.280
Oh, could you imagine what those undies must look like?
00:16:32.280
So that would make me cry laughing and watching a good, good, good comedian or a video of
00:16:38.400
myself bombing hard where you just can't get, you're just eating it.
00:16:52.860
I'm in better shape, but I still got fat, puffy nipples.
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I'm still a size, I used to be 38 weights, now I'm a 36.
00:17:02.760
Like I wouldn't hit, if you were coworkers, I probably wouldn't hit on you.
00:17:07.040
Well, the thing is like this, is I always feel like it's, you know, people have said
00:17:18.440
Usually they think it's going to be something else.
00:17:19.960
I think I'm, you know, this tough guy's guy, whatever that I got that look.
00:17:38.260
You look like somebody who's fucking using performance enhancing drugs to swim.
00:17:52.480
So this, I feel like CBS is my cheers because I'm always getting STDs.
00:18:06.080
No, but we said you look like you have the same hair as Eileen Wuornos.
00:18:11.680
We said that you look like Eileen Wuornos, the first female serial killer ever killed.
00:18:19.520
Oh, we were saying, I was saying that like, yeah, like laughing at.
00:18:32.140
Actually, about two weeks ago in Maryland, I had a tough show.
00:18:38.420
So it was like one of the biggest places that I've been in to perform.
00:19:00.940
And it's kind of like almost like they have to call it to the front of the line.
00:19:03.540
Like its mom just got there to pick it up at carpool.
00:19:09.940
But it was one of those things where I can't hold it anymore.
00:19:13.720
Oh, then there was a man very similar to that, which is exactly what made the show so tough.
00:19:28.480
And so it was like just it was it was tougher to manage.
00:19:31.000
It was like, OK, I'm having to manage something that's different here.
00:19:37.520
So I try to move up and down the whole stage instead of just I probably should have just took
00:19:41.920
the middle third and just moved up and down that.
00:19:44.380
How how have you had some since, you know, obviously with these bigger venues had a time
00:19:49.680
where you felt like you were going to pass out, even if it's going great, 20 minutes
00:19:52.800
into the set, 30 minutes into the set, overwhelming energy.
00:19:55.320
Has that happened to you or you always feel in control when you're on stage?
00:20:05.620
I think it's just like, OK, we're getting through it.
00:20:11.340
So it's like, you know, places keep popping up that we haven't been.
00:20:21.440
To have somebody on the road with you to keep your mental health.
00:20:25.640
Because if you sit there alone, I don't care how successful you are.
00:20:31.440
So that's why I like having Don and I got my other boy, Sergio Chacon.
00:20:35.540
Yeah, he's like Ari Maness, like a service animal, man.
00:20:51.120
But Don is good because Don's always down for a good time.
00:20:57.900
So when you, you know how when we go on the road, you come back that Monday and you're
00:21:03.100
With Sergio, you come back like, yo, I could take Monday off.
00:21:20.640
I don't believe that he works, that he seems like a guy that works out.
00:21:36.100
I'm one of those guys like I just, no matter what.
00:21:50.160
I know Chris has mentioned he's played high school and college basketball.
00:21:54.260
So if you had a pickup game of just stand-up comedians, who would be your starting five and why?
00:22:00.860
You want to go first or you want me to go first?
00:22:39.220
You know, I'm honestly, I am thinking urban out of the gate.
00:22:59.180
I was thinking too, I want to only pick black guys.
00:23:11.900
You do more than three seconds of fashion in the paint, you're out.
00:23:14.760
So I'm going to take Andrew Schultz as my, as my first black guy.
00:23:17.900
And then, um, second, I'm going to take, um, second, I'm going to take, uh, I'll take, uh, Dave Chappelle.
00:23:27.660
I don't know, but it's just nice to have two black legends on your squad.
00:23:32.020
I'm going to go with, um, uh, this is so tough.
00:23:39.300
Even though I have this wall right here to help.
00:23:50.460
Then I'm going to go with, I'll go with Andrew Santino.
00:23:58.300
And I'm going to go with, um, I'll probably roll with Leslie Jones.
00:24:09.020
So my final two, um, I'll say I will go with my second pick.
00:24:21.380
Well, no, I got to, I got to pick for who my coach is going to be.
00:24:24.100
Um, and then for the fifth, my final, I'd like to round it out.
00:24:31.580
Just a tough Boston guy that, you know, will miss one shot and start punching people in
00:24:45.820
So I'm going to go with, um, I'm going to go with, give me, uh, give me Sebastian.
00:25:09.140
It might be really hilarious to watch, but I could see him somehow shooting a three pointer.
00:25:19.900
Then I need, I'm going to need a little bit more help down in the paint.
00:25:34.760
I think he's got, I think it would have some words for the refs.
00:25:41.400
Uh, my team, I think is going to be coached by Eric Griffin, actually.
00:25:46.560
So he's going to have to come out of the game sometimes.
00:25:55.480
Hopefully that answers on the young lady's question.
00:25:57.280
Why are y'all going to leave Kirk Fox on the bench?
00:26:07.260
Well, he was also in the Patriots, which was one of my favorite movies.
00:26:11.540
Um, I could also give, yeah, Bobby Lee would be nice on the team.
00:26:20.900
Just use him as like this, like a complaining little basketball.
00:26:31.960
What, I mean, obviously, what is it about the podcast?
00:26:34.340
I mean, that everybody, I mean, it definitely allows you to know people kind of better,
00:26:39.340
Well, I think because, I think it's because like when I did also Andrew Santino, Whiskey
00:26:45.440
It's like, you just talk for an hour or two about anything.
00:26:56.680
It's not like a five minute little tonight show set, which is fine.
00:27:00.160
Or even an hour long standup set, which is still disconnected.
00:27:10.540
I think to some people, I know even me, when I listen to podcasts, sometimes to catch up
00:27:14.800
with you guys, I'll listen to your guys podcast because I'm like, they're, I can find out
00:27:20.280
So, and I think that easily makes an audience member buy a ticket.
00:27:23.400
What I need to do personally is stop divulging so much personal information because I'm pissing
00:27:27.900
members of my family and friends off because I'm making jokes about them using their real
00:27:32.380
names because I just get so in the moment because right now we're just in a little studio.
00:27:37.700
Because right now we're just like in a little beautiful studio, but like this could be heard
00:27:47.080
And he's an active duty firefighter and I just said he used to beat people with a bat
00:27:52.540
Well, look, Pat, or he could gain work somewhere as a bouncer.
00:27:56.360
You got to think of the other side of the coin.
00:28:00.920
Because half this shit is like, you know, I'm having a good time.
00:28:03.940
I'm telling the truth, but I'm making it up or I'm embellishing the details for performance
00:28:08.680
Like even people in my personal life, like, yo, why the fuck do you say that about me?
00:28:11.500
I'm like, yo, when the mics turn off, I don't even remember what I said.
00:28:15.500
Like I genuinely, we're talking for an hour, an hour and a half.
00:28:24.360
Like I'm not trying to, I'm trying to stay alive.
00:28:32.400
Because it looks like, because you have very, very healthy, healthy, healthy hair.
00:28:37.940
Not a lot of people could pull off a mullet and bangs.
00:28:45.500
People, I'm not sure what you just said a second ago, but I do want to say, we got,
00:28:50.740
Because remember, you know this Quaden Bales thing that happened?
00:29:00.680
And Brad did a fundraiser for him and it was supposed to be to raise 10 grand.
00:29:15.080
I was going to say, I'm sorry, pictures, pictures of that kid came out with him with strippers
00:29:21.500
I don't, they say he's not eight or nine years old, but I don't care.
00:29:28.500
Well, I mean, if you want, I don't know what happened.
00:29:31.960
So, what I'm wondering is, do we know what happened?
00:29:34.360
And you guys are going to have to put on the headphones to hear Brad when we call him?
00:29:49.740
Because this thing really captivated the nation last week.
00:30:00.240
We got Chris DiStefano here in the podcast right now.
00:30:35.620
It's one of my favorite sex moves, reverse Jeff Dunham.
00:30:38.300
Yeah, you can get a reverse Jeff Dunham at the cat house in Vegas.
00:31:01.700
Brad, we talked about the Quayton Bales thing on the podcast last week, and everybody's been talking about it.
00:31:09.860
Can you kind of take us through a little bit of that and where you're at now with it?
00:31:14.000
First of all, he's nine years old, everybody, okay?
00:31:24.240
Anyway, I got wind of the video because I've got some Australian fans that kept sending me the video,
00:31:32.640
and I don't know why they kept sending it to me.
00:31:49.160
But I saw the video, and like anyone who saw the video who's got a pulse, I was really moved by it.
00:32:00.940
He's got the same kind of dwarfism that I do, and I was bullied growing up.
00:32:07.980
So I thought, I've got to do something, but I can't.
00:32:14.500
So I thought, well, I'll throw together a GoFundMe page and send the kid to Disneyland.
00:32:22.780
So I did that, set the goal at $10,000 because with $10,000, you can buy them flights, tickets, and maybe two churros.
00:32:33.160
And I figured, you know, that'd be a good time.
00:32:38.400
So I set it at $10,000, tweeted it out, and then I went to bed.
00:32:54.040
It started getting passed around to all these celebrities.
00:33:10.460
I hope a dwarf owns Disneyland because then probably no more height requirements.
00:33:17.260
And so whenever the conspiracy theories came out, I mean, just because, you know, people are skeptical of everything, what did you do then?
00:33:29.460
Like, if I chased down every person that was talking about it or saying that he's 18 years old or that he's not really 18, he's a 45-year-old actor, you know, just weird stuff like that.
00:33:58.340
Yeah, people were, there were all kinds of conspiracy theories.
00:34:00.520
People were saying that he worked for the city.
00:34:06.340
Did you do any other recon to make sure that you were, like, did you have any question?
00:34:11.240
I mean, I just wanted to make sure that he's a good kid and that, you know, he's a kid.
00:34:16.380
But I got to FaceTime with him and FaceTime with both him and his mom.
00:34:22.200
And that's back when the fundraiser was at $20,000.
00:34:29.160
News organizations weren't really talking about it.
00:34:37.800
And then once it started going above, like, $50,000, $75,000, I started reaching out to a bunch of different people that run charities and do these kind of things all the time.
00:34:53.000
GoFundMe is an incredible website because once a fundraiser hits a certain point, they assign a team to that fundraiser.
00:35:03.600
So I had a team from GoFundMe and Constant Communication, and they vetted everything.
00:35:22.400
So Caden and his family actually released a statement that said that they are turning down the trip to Disneyland, and they want all the money to just go to charity.
00:35:39.540
I did another FaceTime call with him and his mom, and we kind of went through all the charities that we wanted to go through.
00:35:48.820
Because if you look at the original wording on my GoFundMe, I said any excess money would be donated to charity.
00:35:55.560
So we picked some great charities, and they're actually posted right now on the GoFundMe page.
00:36:01.480
We picked six different charities, some charities, Stomp Out Bullying, Born This Way.
00:36:18.320
We're giving about $66,000 to each of those charities, and then whatever money is left over, I decided to give it to Caden and his family and said,
00:36:29.520
you guys can spend that money however you want.
00:36:32.400
I know you're turning down money, but many people donated to this fund with the thought of their money going directly to the family.
00:36:44.960
Yeah, it's $460,000 U.S., which is a little over $700,000 Australian.
00:36:51.920
Yo, they could buy one of those fucking, they could buy the aborigine people with that, right?
00:37:02.640
And this is a good time to add that some of the charities are anti-racism charities that stand up for the rights of the aborigine people.
00:37:18.600
I know, because I don't think I have any aborigine fans, but I'm looking for that.
00:37:22.660
That's one of the things I'm trying to get from my podcast.
00:37:27.880
And I, Brad, too, because I'm just a victim of the internet as well.
00:37:33.080
It's like all these pictures are like, oh, he's 19 years old.
00:37:43.780
The internet is an amazing place, both good and bad.
00:37:48.840
I mean, there were people that were spreading rumors that like, oh, like there was some, like I looked at a lot of this stuff because I wanted to make sure that the money was going to a good spot.
00:38:02.000
There was one person who had a Facebook talk show that said like that Caden was like this nine-year-old running around the school like sexually assaulting girls.
00:38:14.900
And they said that their proof was that they read one Facebook comment and they posted the Facebook comment and it said, oh, a friend of mine, his kid goes to the same school and knows some girls.
00:38:31.960
You're going through all this off a Facebook comment?
00:38:38.500
Is there, I mean, yeah, there's all kind of stuff.
00:38:40.120
So many people said he opened up for Gucci Mane.
00:38:43.140
I mean, well, that is the problem is when UTA signs him and he starts taking dates away from everybody, we're going to be like, fuck you, Brad.
00:39:00.480
Lightning Rodney, maybe, when I was growing up.
00:39:02.460
Some guy that got hit by Lightning and they tried to tour him around locally.
00:39:12.940
Are there higher costs associated with being like a little person growing up?
00:39:17.260
Like, are there costs that, are there extra costs?
00:39:21.180
Well, like, just in terms of, I mean, at your most basic cost, most clothes that I would like to buy don't fit me.
00:39:31.040
So, you got to get stuff that's tailored unless you just want to be walking around with, like, a shirt that has Bob the Builder on it.
00:39:44.920
And then, plus, a lot of little people have medical problems, whether it be neck or leg surgeries.
00:39:56.800
So, yeah, they can get problems that way as well.
00:40:01.160
So, that's why I wanted to give the family a little bit of money just because if those kind of things are coming up with Kaden, I want to make sure that they're taken care of.
00:40:09.920
And that's what the people who gave money to the campaign wanted as well.
00:40:18.960
And people stepped up, and we ended up donating a ton of money to charity that's going to anti-bullying, anti-abuse, anti-racism charities.
00:40:28.480
So, a lot of people are going to be helped in a very positive way because of this.
00:40:38.860
It's like when I see stuff like that, and I'm sure it's the same with you, it's like you can't help but think, like, what if that was my child being abused that way?
00:40:46.280
Like, you know, so it's great that you made an effort and did it because there's times when I see videos like that, and I'm like, I can't.
00:40:53.720
What if that was my daughter, and then I have a chance to donate, and I just watch Pornhub or do something different.
00:40:58.900
But you actually went out there and made a difference, which is why you're happily married, and I'm, you know, single living with Don DePetto on his couch.
00:41:07.760
I still, yeah, that's why I got visitation rights, but you, you know, but you have a full, happy family.
00:41:16.620
And, yeah, at least Chris will be warmed up for your podcast later this week, man.
00:41:25.800
What's the quickest way to get to your GoFundMe?
00:41:28.780
Because when you just search on GoFundMe, we can't find it.
00:41:34.440
Oh, if you guys still want to donate to the GoFundMe,
00:41:37.760
because it is still open, you can, probably the quickest way is just to go to my Twitter,
00:41:43.480
and then scroll down the tweets, and you'll find links.
00:41:49.780
And if not, I'm sure you can just Google GoFundMe for Bullied Australian Boy,
00:42:12.200
it really makes you realize who your friends are,
00:42:26.420
What if you disguised yourself as Quaden and went to Disneyland?
00:42:41.940
And, yeah, just thanks for jumping on the line with us and sharing that.
00:42:57.480
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00:44:41.020
Yeah, and about last night, that's their podcast, right?
00:44:48.980
Yeah, Brad's going to get rewarded in the afterlife for that.
00:44:52.740
Because I don't know like there's certain rules and regulations
00:44:59.920
No, that's that movie you're talking about, I think.
00:45:07.440
And I wanted to ask Brad, but I kind of chickened out,
00:45:09.860
is because the thing is, like, they all kind of look alike to me.
00:45:18.540
But like all the other ones, like all these little pictures,
00:45:23.420
I respect them all, but I just, you know what I mean?
00:45:27.800
I keep my distance safely, and I respect them all.
00:45:31.880
I saw two cats attack a little person in Hermosa Beach.
00:45:36.780
And this is about seven years ago, or probably about 11 years ago now.
00:45:39.480
I saw two cats attack a little person in Hermosa, dude.
00:45:50.620
Like a couple of years ago, made out after a show.
00:46:07.920
I made out with a little person who was a legally aged woman in her 20s.
00:46:12.560
What an ironic name for the city, Hasbro Heights.
00:46:22.020
Yo, dude, Brad was talking about Disney World, too.
00:46:24.020
I just came from, or Disneyland, which I think is a great thing that he's doing.
00:46:29.160
I just took my daughter to Disney World in Orlando.
00:46:34.120
And now, has this been a lifelong dream or something?
00:46:38.760
I wanted to take my daughter for Christmas time.
00:46:43.500
I wanted to take my daughter, Delilah, to Germany for Christmas this year.
00:46:53.280
I wanted to show her where Christmas started and where the white race started.
00:46:59.620
I wanted to show her where the humble beginnings of the right.
00:47:10.240
No, but the dwarf jokes, I'm just kidding around.
00:47:12.380
I said I wanted to buy Aborigine people, and it's like they're slaves over there.
00:47:22.600
And also, it's like, you know, all those surgeries doesn't have universal health care?
00:47:37.200
I just hope people know I'm just joking around.
00:47:45.220
You'll just start curling the bottom of your mullet with your finger.
00:47:57.120
Nikki Bangs will fucking, you know, Don's texting women.
00:48:06.960
Have you ever been texting somebody about sex and you're having a business conversation
00:48:11.460
or something with somebody else at the same time?
00:48:16.620
I was flying Jet Blurdy and I fell asleep and my phone was open and my Snapchat was open.
00:48:20.540
Some girl sent her titties on Snapchat while the flight attendant, I was just having my
00:48:23.800
eyes closed and the flight attendant gave me my breakfast.
00:48:29.880
Dude, I had a woman on a plane once wake me up from being asleep and tell me my penis was
00:48:40.160
Didn't you used to go and manipulate women's vaginas, though, for health reasons?
00:48:50.700
I've been, there's been people trying to get me back into it, but I think they're just
00:49:00.860
Dude, I went to Disney, went to Disney World, right?
00:49:03.100
And they were priding themselves because, like I said, I want to take her to Germany.
00:49:12.500
She's half Puerto Rican, half, you know, German, Irish, Italian, just white.
00:49:26.420
So I tell her, I tell my mom, I'm like, hey, do you want to come with us to Germany?
00:49:37.320
You know, you could babysit or whatever when I go out and get these German guys, you know,
00:49:42.200
And my mom goes, no, we're not going to go to Germany.
00:49:47.280
And if you want to go to Germany, we could just go to Epcot and go to the German country
00:49:50.380
and we can have some beers because she's four years old.
00:50:04.180
Disney World starts off poorly because I had, I just come off great running shows at
00:50:24.920
So I'm just like, for months before that, you know, I probably had unprotected sex with
00:50:31.420
So they don't call me Chrissy Drip Drop for nothing.
00:50:38.920
No, I like you out there and you ain't afraid to get, you know, just to be a human.
00:50:48.460
First of all, you know, you're in about $10,000 to have, you know, your mother and your daughter
00:50:56.320
So first day we get there, we go to the Magic Kingdom and you get there and all they do is
00:51:02.620
All Disney World does is pride themselves on how friendly they are to the nature economy.
00:51:20.840
Then I take my daughter to get her hair done at the Bippity Boppity Boutique, which is the
00:51:48.320
I saw them making the tea out of fucking Keurig in the back.
00:51:56.180
You'll save the turtles, but you'll rape the fucking parents, right?
00:52:01.180
So I was pissed off because my mother had my credit card because I was on my phone a lot,
00:52:07.060
I was in a full sex hole and work hole while my daughter and mother are experiencing these
00:52:18.980
So my mother's like, listen, we'll meet you back here in two hours.
00:52:22.700
And then I see my Amex just getting fucking hit up.
00:52:32.660
That wild Western drawing where they get this fake gun?
00:52:43.300
So then I'm like, because then I got stressed out.
00:52:44.860
And when you get stressed out and you have chlamydia on deck, when you have STD brewing,
00:52:47.980
when you get stressed out, it really starts to flow.
00:52:52.240
So I called my boy, who's an ER doctor, and I explained to him the signs and symptoms.
00:53:10.320
He gets a pharmacy, like whatever, 10 miles away, but in Orlando still, still kind of like
00:53:18.580
But like on the, not on the Disney property, but like where Disney, people who work for
00:53:25.280
So he goes out there, calls in the STD fucking medication for me.
00:53:29.760
Everyone's got little kids, you know, sore throat medicine, people buying binkies.
00:53:36.080
And I'm over there and I go, I go over there and I pick up STD medication.
00:53:42.320
I swear, I had a goofy shirt on and an I love Disney hat on and I forgot that I, because
00:53:46.360
I was dressed, you know, my, my daughter was like, you got to dress, wear your Disney
00:53:50.180
So I picked up STD med, I took them, my daughter and mother back to the hotel.
00:53:54.460
I said, Hey, listen, I'm just going to go for a jog.
00:53:56.300
And I got in an Uber and I went and picked up those STD meds with my goofy shirt on and
00:54:02.140
And then I started to feel better, started to feel a little bit better.
00:54:05.060
And now I'm proud to say that I've been Chrissy condoms.
00:54:11.900
But even now that I've been wearing condoms exclusively, still sometimes when I pee, it
00:54:19.000
Or do you think that that's just me being hyperactive and anxious?
00:54:22.740
If I'm using the condoms, you wouldn't worry about the STD.
00:54:26.480
I think you could have muscle memory probably in your penis or something that, and it has
00:54:30.220
that recall a little bit of having the symptom.
00:54:37.220
I was living with a guy, this guy named Ken actually, who had a couple cats, dude.
00:54:40.640
And he used to get stoned and make them do tricks in the living room and stuff, jump in
00:54:45.000
And when I was leaving, when I was moving out, he said, hey, people are going to come
00:54:54.260
And so some lady came by and checked it out, and she was attractive, and so I started hitting
00:55:04.680
And he just said to me, he's like, dude, do not hook up with this young lady who is potentially
00:55:15.640
And then I hooked up with her that night in the room right next to his room.
00:55:32.880
And I don't know if I did have something, because I didn't have something before.
00:55:36.420
But then one of us had something, and you had to go get rid of it.
00:55:41.480
But you never had any symptoms of the chlamydia.
00:55:44.400
But you just go get something, and you get rid of it.
00:55:47.420
It's kind of like a sore throat, but for your dick.
00:55:51.160
It's like your dick is almost going through a tough time after a war or something, it
00:55:56.020
It's like your dick, yes, just on the injured reserve list.
00:56:02.220
It's like a little bit of a badge of, you know, I hear from older men, it used to be a badge
00:56:12.060
And getting all the attention that you do from females, how do you not fall into a sex addict
00:56:19.460
Because sometimes I text you and you don't text back.
00:56:21.640
And I want to know if there's ladies out there that feel that way as well.
00:56:28.940
I mean, I'll do some flirting here and there, you know?
00:56:31.580
But you don't respond to all these ladies on the DM.
00:56:38.360
Like, the last 72 hours, I actually posted a video on my stories.
00:56:42.020
And I said, hey, I know I give you guys a lot of energy.
00:56:46.360
But if I leave you on scene or if I just double tap your message, don't take it disrespectfully.
00:56:52.680
Because I was fully too much invested in that phone and in those DMs.
00:56:57.320
And there was a point where I was having sex, no condoms.
00:57:01.420
I'm like, even though you're protecting yourself, which is good, you're still, the act is still,
00:57:05.360
you're still delving into all this energy and all this fuel.
00:57:10.200
I haven't recently, haven't really had as much energy to really just be out milling around, you know?
00:57:27.820
I lay my penis on my stomach and I put my hands like this and I rub the base of my penis and I come into my belly button.
00:57:39.420
I make like a little pussy, a pussy with my thumbs and I rub the base.
00:57:48.600
Yeah, and I blow it alone into my belly button.
00:57:50.980
Yeah, and I used to let it glaze over too and just my shirts or shorts were always stuck to my belly button.
00:57:55.360
I used to rip it off when I was a kid and I would always have a cut in my belly button.
00:57:58.640
People thought I used to have my belly button pierced, but it wasn't.
00:58:00.560
It was from the cum dried up on my stomach that would rip off.
00:58:12.560
When I was young, I wouldn't do anything with it.
00:58:14.360
I would deposit it or ejaculate into like a bowl or into a toilet or something.
00:58:21.040
But now I will actually use some of it on my body as like a, you know, legitimately as an ointment or a save.
00:58:27.340
I've never been in a voluntary gay sex act, but when I was a kid, I was like the runt of my friend group.
00:58:36.520
And the McKenzie brothers, one time I was taking a shit.
00:58:40.500
No, but they were twins and they had shaved heads.
00:58:44.560
One of them sat on my legs when I was taking a shit and the other one jumped on my mom's sink and skull fucked me.
00:58:51.220
The back ceramic tile and knocked down one of my mom's ceramic tiles.
00:58:55.720
And I told her I was horsing around playing ball, but really I got skull fucked by one of these dudes.
00:59:00.760
And I remember tasting a little bit of his pre-com.
00:59:04.400
I took one right off the uvula and I didn't like it.
00:59:13.780
So that's why I'll say I can confidently tell you that I'm 100% sure I am not gay, but I'm also 100% sure I'm not straight.
00:59:24.620
Well, I think there's a thing called element of surprise gay, where somebody surprises you with a gay act.
00:59:30.960
Yeah, like Pearl Harbor, but yeah, suddenly you're just resting and then a bunch of wieners fall on your house.
00:59:38.560
Because there's been times where you knew when I had been walking, you know, when we'd been in New York, when we were very close.
00:59:42.480
So I was definitely falling in love with the conversations we were having.
00:59:45.720
I was about to hold your hand or something like that.
00:59:49.180
I remember there was one time you were wearing pinstripe pants, like locomotive pants.
00:59:53.500
Yeah, I used to love those pants and I bought them very cheap.
00:59:58.960
Yeah, all aboard, you know, because you kind of have a little bit of a fucking cake ass.
01:00:06.240
Here's a white guy right here from Lord of the Rings.
01:00:09.200
Literally, does Chris know there's literally a 2% chance that you'll die if you get the coronavirus too?
01:00:32.260
I didn't say anything about the coronavirus though.
01:00:34.020
We used, to solicit questions for you, the video of you having Anxiety Tuesday.
01:00:42.220
Well, the whole thing about Anxiety Tuesday, you know, hopefully get some new fans come over to me.
01:00:46.640
The Anxiety Tuesday, I never do it on a Tuesday.
01:00:53.740
It's always sarcasm and satire about something.
01:00:57.020
So, that coronavirus video, although I'm appearing to be saying I'm anxious about it, the point of Anxiety Tuesday is to be satire because I agree with him that it's not something to really worry about.
01:01:06.240
Yeah, I think it's not something to worry about.
01:01:08.240
I mean, but also in two weeks, you and I could be deceased, you know?
01:01:11.880
I wouldn't be shocked if something, a disease gets created that we can't solve.
01:01:33.340
Now, there's a theory out there that 5G created it.
01:01:40.120
Yeah, 5G wireless, which was created over there in Wuhan.
01:01:49.200
I don't think for a second that it wasn't created in a lab.
01:01:52.840
It feels like it was created in a lab to cause hysteria as just something else you can blame
01:02:01.900
Or, I wouldn't be surprised if the Democrats...
01:02:04.620
I wouldn't be surprised if Ocasio-Cortez and the Wuhan lab created that thing.
01:02:12.320
And Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden and all those liberals cucks created the coronavirus,
01:02:23.340
The masks are made in China, which everyone wears.
01:02:25.300
They dip those in coronavirus, sell the masks to us, and we spread it.
01:02:28.440
And it crashes the economy, gets Trump out of office.
01:02:36.020
Yeah, I mean, he could be here for a long time.
01:02:37.860
Social media conspiracies blame coronavirus on 5G internet.
01:02:44.400
This lady will get cracked open and cleaned out.
01:02:49.720
By the way, I just wanted to say I was joking about the Trump Democrat...
01:02:57.940
Anytime somebody starts winning, they definitely release a lot of information to try and cannibalize.
01:03:03.940
Remember they said a few weeks ago that the Russian bots were supporting Bernie.
01:03:22.760
Because wouldn't it be interesting if they had a technological advancement that we don't
01:03:27.880
know the side effects of, which is probably most of them, that we don't know the side
01:03:32.500
Like, what if we created like a wireless or some sort of a thing that's flowing through
01:03:36.840
our body sometimes through the air and it causes a disease in us?
01:03:44.460
Have there been people that have beaten the coronavirus and 100% cleared it already and it's gone?
01:03:58.660
Well, some people are dying, but it seems like it's more elderly...
01:04:03.540
An old person dies and they should do a snap of him.
01:04:07.300
You wanna see somebody at the top of their fucking game...
01:04:11.560
I wanna see Tyson Fury frickin' take, you know...
01:04:19.480
92,000 cases, 48,000 have recovered, 3,000 have died.
01:04:36.040
I mean, listen, you can worry about everything.
01:04:53.240
Wanted to let you both know, I love both of you guys.
01:04:56.200
You guys are both two of my favorite comedians.
01:04:59.720
You guys give me something to look forward to every week, and you guys make me laugh nonstop.
01:05:04.540
You guys are killing it, and please keep doing what y'all are doing.
01:05:07.560
Now, this question here is a little bit more directed towards Crystal Clear Chrissy.
01:05:18.440
I got nominated for an award for my college radio show, and so did my station, so I'm going
01:05:24.480
I'm going to be put up in Manhattan, pretty close to Madison Square Garden, and there's
01:05:29.460
a lot of things you can do in New York, but I want to know what your authentic New York
01:05:33.680
experience is for some West Coast kid trying to go out and be an East Coast cutie with a
01:05:41.040
And, Theo, I'd like to know, what's your favorite spot in New York?
01:05:53.320
I like, yeah, I like two out of the three of your fans so far to have lisps.
01:06:06.380
I think anyone with a little bit of a lisp like that, it's endearing to me.
01:06:27.960
So what I'm going to tell him to do is when he's come to New York City.
01:06:32.740
I'm going to say he could come through to my crib.
01:06:35.420
That's what I'm going to say is that unique experience.
01:06:38.140
He could come through and he could come tickle me with that mustache.
01:06:44.000
I think what he should do is go get a slice of pizza from Joe's in the West Village by
01:06:49.680
I think he should go see a stand-up show at the Comedy Cellar or one of his comedians
01:06:53.740
that he knows he's a fan of his performing in New York City.
01:06:55.860
Go see him or her headline at Gotham or Caroline's Comedy Club.
01:06:59.380
If not, go down to the Comedy Cellar or the Stand Comedy Club or New York Comedy Club.
01:07:09.320
I would say if he's never been there, it's just an experience to walk over the Brooklyn
01:07:12.780
Bridge because it's scary as fuck when you get into the middle because it's only wooden
01:07:16.400
planks so you can see down hundreds of feet below you and you'll fall to your death.
01:07:22.440
I would go to Bay Ridge, Brooklyn along with Williamsburg and some of the trendy quinoa flea
01:07:28.980
Also go to deep Brooklyn, like go to Bay Ridge because it's like a different experience
01:07:32.540
because in Williamsburg, it'll be, like I said, quinoa and flea markets and scooters.
01:07:37.000
But then in Bay Ridge, like the day after Trump won the election in 2016, there was a cafe
01:07:42.260
out there giving out free black and white cookies.
01:07:44.660
So you want to see both extremes of, they were given cups of marinara sauce into my daughter's
01:07:50.800
Halloween trick-or-treat bag at Nino's Pizza on 3rd Avenue and they're calling it Bat's
01:07:55.360
So it's different types of experiences in Brooklyn.
01:08:00.780
And then you could come, you could come with me if you're there on a Tuesday afternoon,
01:08:04.800
we go take my father to dialysis at College of Staten Island Hospital.
01:08:08.040
If you'd like to come there, you can come see him get his blood filter.
01:08:20.680
This guy, he doesn't, my father doesn't wear underwear anymore because he constantly shits
01:08:25.640
Well, dude, if you're running on somebody else's blood, who knows what kind of gas is in it?
01:08:31.800
I like this part of the podcast where fans come in.
01:08:37.400
We got such a, yeah, the whole, it just, it constantly amazes me, man.
01:08:41.220
And that young fella said he's going to New York for the first time.
01:08:50.980
It's your last place to still get mugged anywhere in Manhattan, I feel like, kind of in that
01:08:55.220
You got to go down there, down up maybe 2nd and B or something.
01:09:01.240
A and B is a little hipster honk-a-donk now, but once you get to C, it starts to fade,
01:09:12.000
Anywhere else, it's just more, it's just changed a lot.
01:09:14.540
The Bronx, you could still get stabbed a little bit, but the Bronx is going too far out of
01:09:18.020
But if you want to be on the island of Manhattan, I agree with Theo.
01:09:32.300
You could do, you know, there's a lot of the dark arts, basically, brother.
01:09:36.160
I just also want to send a quick shout out, RIP, to the neighborhood crackhead that I
01:09:40.020
grew up with, which is also, see, where I grew up in Ridgewood Bushwick, it used to be
01:09:43.920
a place where you could get stabbed, but unfortunately now it's all like vegan cupcake stuff.
01:09:48.120
But there still was the neighborhood crackhead, homeless guy who was, I mean, we thought he
01:09:57.420
He used to, he would sing a Billy Joel song and then he would do whatever thing, anything
01:10:00.860
you wanted him to do, he would do for a dollar.
01:10:03.200
So I remember one time he backflipped into this shards of glass, knocked himself unconscious
01:10:07.540
and then we just put a dollar on his chest or he would do, you know, roofing work.
01:10:11.820
He would fix your, anything you give him a dollar, we'd call him Scotty Karate and
01:10:14.720
he would have no shirt on and sweatpants almost 12 months a year.
01:10:23.340
And also, yeah, they had a guy by us and he was mentally challenged or something happened
01:10:27.320
to him and he was, he used to ride a bike, a woman's bike that had like a little
01:10:35.760
And he said he had a little husband that used to, and people are always like, damn, where's
01:10:41.180
And so he would always just tell us he had a little bit of a, he had like a little husband
01:10:45.180
that used to, he was looking for him or something.
01:10:47.240
And I don't know what happened to that guy, but.
01:10:49.860
It's funny to grow up the way we grew up, like how you grew up in the, like, it's very
01:10:54.160
Like you grew up in the deep South and I grew up in kind of the deep Brooklyn, deep Brooklyn
01:10:59.920
where it's like, you had your, there were just different names, but, but like, like
01:11:04.600
for example, like we both have neighborhood crackheads or we both have like crazy uncles.
01:11:09.200
Like I have an uncle who somebody robbed my mother.
01:11:12.360
Um, and, and then at the local bodega, he used to hang out at the local bodega and I guess
01:11:18.460
they had this robbery ring going out of this bodega where they would steal women's purses
01:11:21.780
and steal their credit cards and their money or whatever, whatever.
01:11:23.980
And they stole my mom's purse one day on the corner.
01:11:26.720
And then a couple of days later, my uncle was in the bodega cause he was just chilling,
01:11:30.360
And they were talking about how they just ripped off this lady.
01:11:33.500
And, and my uncle's like, oh, that's my sister-in-law.
01:11:39.400
And so whatever, they kept drinking, continuing, drinking, drinking.
01:11:42.140
And then later on that night, my uncle, I didn't know this.
01:11:50.620
They went back into my uncle's garage, which is in the back, back door out of my house.
01:11:54.120
And my uncle beat him up and then tied him up and melted the skin off his knees with a blowtorch
01:12:02.200
And then he got my mom's, he couldn't get the credit cards back, but he got the cat,
01:12:05.040
he got cash, the amount of cash that he thought she would have.
01:12:10.560
You, I'm sure you have, maybe not that exact story, but a crazy uncle.
01:12:14.460
I mean, it's, it's a, I think it was just growing up in a different time too.
01:12:17.660
And people could do more stuff without everybody constantly ratting everybody.
01:12:20.620
And Twitter's just a big snitch fest on there, man.
01:12:24.820
We got a question that came in from a guy right here.
01:12:39.200
This guy looks a little dirty, but like a nice guy.
01:12:41.940
He looks like he's done, I bet he's done chef work or just some UFC.
01:12:53.840
And my question for Chris, actually for both of you, if you both could answer this, it'd
01:12:59.100
Um, but for Chris, I know that you had started a career in physical therapy and, um, I was
01:13:04.860
wondering what was the moment and what made you decide to pursue standup full time and
01:13:12.600
And I'm, I'm always curious to know like what it was that made you transition into a different
01:13:24.420
And for you as well, Theo, like what were you doing when you decided that you were going
01:13:32.360
Uh, it's something I'm always interested in to know with, uh, with anyone that pursues something
01:13:44.920
I did not expect him to be as articulate and well-spoken and well-mannered, uh, and soft
01:13:52.120
I thought it was going to come out because last time I did your podcast, your fans were
01:13:54.860
just coming out swinging saying, I want to fight you.
01:13:59.100
Because, because they were only going off what they had seen of me and what they had seen
01:14:02.680
of me was you and I ripping each other from Opie.
01:14:05.040
But now again, positive because I came on your show and some of your fans start listening
01:14:11.040
I can see they're using, calling me baby gorgeous and Chrissy Chlamydia.
01:14:26.080
I don't touch the top of my hand with your other phone.
01:14:31.960
I have very, very, like kind of the hands of the, you could barely fucking choke somebody.
01:14:36.820
You have to have somebody else just come and help you.
01:14:52.240
Yeah, you actually, your fingers are a little long.
01:14:57.580
You could just rock your toes, man, with no, I'm just, my feet are disgusting.
01:15:04.220
You almost, you look like somebody who would have webbed feet almost.
01:15:07.100
I don't have webbed feet, but I believe I was born with broken feet and they never
01:15:15.440
You look like a guy that definitely was in the band and the school band, even though he
01:15:22.140
You look like you were on like the marching thing with the flag.
01:15:25.020
Dude, you look like my third grade gym teacher, Mrs. Klein.
01:15:32.160
You kind of look like Liu Kang from Street Fighter if he was a white dude and had money.
01:15:47.940
I mean, I was always doing something else on the side until comedy was just enough of a
01:15:53.440
I think at a certain point, it just kind of chooses you.
01:15:56.120
I always, I think even until about like 10 years in, I was like, am I going to keep doing
01:16:02.220
At some point, I have to grow up, it feels like.
01:16:05.080
Comedy for me always felt like a place where I could just be, I never had to grow up.
01:16:11.480
You get to escape whatever was going on in your regular life.
01:16:15.280
If you were about to be in a relationship, I got to go.
01:16:18.940
You know, there was always, you're always on the go.
01:16:22.620
You never had to really kind of deal with yourself, I guess, in a little bit.
01:16:26.160
So comedy always gave me that, the ability to escape, I felt like.
01:16:29.620
And then at a certain point, I was like, oh, I'm getting older.
01:16:31.360
I need to figure out, am I going to have, you know, what am I going to do here?
01:16:39.200
And then, yeah, I think at some point, it just kind of chose me.
01:16:43.080
It was like, okay, there's enough here where I can survive, you know, so I'm going to stay.
01:16:47.340
What I always liked about you is you were a guy that you had to really, not that it mattered,
01:16:52.840
but there was a lot of proving that you had to do to your peers because when you started out,
01:16:56.420
it was real world, and then you start doing stand-up, and already people are like, nah,
01:17:02.860
And then your career, like you said, was like just maintaining, maintaining, maintaining,
01:17:06.640
did the Netflix special, and it's just maintaining.
01:17:08.740
And then you start to prove yourself in the podcast game.
01:17:11.780
And then they say, oh, well, he's just starting a podcast.
01:17:15.080
You know, he's still the real world guy, but then you start to explode with the podcast.
01:17:18.140
And then it got to the point where it's like, now I've shed that real world thing.
01:17:22.000
I don't think anybody, I know for a fact, no one even thinks about that with you.
01:17:25.200
And they were like, that was something he did 15 years ago.
01:17:27.740
And now it's just like, great podcaster, great stand-up.
01:17:31.180
So I don't, sometimes as a peer of yours in the comedy world, we, I noticed, I'm like,
01:17:36.940
that was pretty insane how he was able to do all that.
01:17:41.520
Then he's like, oh, I've always fucked with Theo.
01:17:43.120
But it's like, where you had to come from, because you could have easily quit, is my point.
01:17:46.960
Because you're saying 10 years, it's like, I'm sure you heard it.
01:17:49.760
Because if I heard it in New York, then you heard it.
01:17:54.940
Like, just now, am I starting to shed, oh, you that guy from Guy Code?
01:18:00.560
But now it's like, they know my name a little bit.
01:18:03.060
They know me for stand-up, not for being a talking head.
01:18:05.800
And you are not known for being on a reality show.
01:18:08.420
You know, so it takes a lot of work to do that.
01:18:20.820
Dude, if I'm a faggot, bro, A, no offense if anybody is a faggot or, and still refers
01:18:33.080
And just put quotes on their mind and just refer to his.
01:18:36.600
Because I was just, I didn't have anything to say.
01:18:38.680
The problem is, because I said that nice thing about you, and I was thinking of a joke,
01:18:48.620
I have two gay friends, and they say, look, I am a faggot.
01:19:08.220
It's because I can't even really take a good look, because my father's still alive.
01:19:14.660
75-year-old Brooklyn, you know, Tony Balls is his nickname.
01:19:17.560
So I can't even look inside to see if there's a little gay in there, because it feels like
01:19:30.160
And people tell me, you know, I'm a power bottom.
01:19:36.860
My favorite movie is Little Women or Pretty Woman.
01:19:46.080
So sometimes I feel like I can say that F word, which is derogatory, and I don't mean
01:19:49.920
any harm, but I can say it because I know deep down I am one.
01:19:52.920
I know that there's one just pouncing around in there.
01:19:58.280
Because the thing is, even though I did get two pumps, I got skull fucked by the McKenzie
01:20:41.500
I was working with children, pediatric, mentally and physically handicapped children.
01:20:47.760
And Guy Code really started to pop off on MTV2.
01:20:55.680
What happened was, is a lot of the people who were watching the shows were younger people.
01:21:01.160
18, 19, 20, 21, 22 was a college younger people show on MTV and MTV2.
01:21:06.240
And it's very well known that older women sometimes will give birth to a child with a disability.
01:21:12.180
You know, there's a lot of testing that women as they get older have to do.
01:21:14.600
It's less and less now, but it's still a thing.
01:21:16.580
That's why people always say, oh, my biological clock.
01:21:18.080
But what's also not as known, but is very true, is younger women, 17, 16, they don't have the proper prenatal care.
01:21:27.260
So their children are born with high disability rates as well.
01:21:34.260
Oh, so they, a lot of the moms and dads of the children I was treating were young people that were watching Guy Code and Girl Code.
01:21:43.660
And the principal of the school I was working, I was like, look, we found out you're doing comedy and doing these TV shows.
01:21:49.080
And they're like, it's not, you can't be treating handicapped children and also doing a show about the Guy Code to hiding your boner.
01:21:58.000
And so it was really this little kid, my little man, Aaron, great kid.
01:22:05.640
No problems with speech or his mind worked like our minds, but his legs didn't work from cerebral palsy.
01:22:17.880
So I would just rifle it off, you know, light him with, you know, burn him with cigarettes, whatever it is.
01:22:27.800
You know, light his pants on fire, joke around.
01:22:38.140
No, so Aaron told me when I was flirting with this idea of leaving physical therapy, he's six years old.
01:22:48.240
But the thing is, when you're a six-year-old kid that's got a disability, you're so wise beyond your years.
01:22:53.800
So the reason, because the man asked me what made me change, I was always flirting with the idea of leaving for a year.
01:23:00.380
I was like, I need to jump two feet in if I really want to do stand-up.
01:23:03.220
And then it got to the point where Aaron told me, we were talking, throwing the ball back and forth, and I was like, I kind of want to leave stand-up.
01:23:12.140
I kind of want to leave physical therapy to do stand-up, but I'll miss you guys so much, so I don't know if I can do it.
01:23:16.960
And he was like, well, isn't stand-up, isn't being a comedian your dream?
01:23:23.000
And he goes, so why wouldn't you go do it if that's what you always want to do?
01:23:27.220
And I was like, I don't know, I'm going to miss you guys.
01:23:30.020
And he said to me, he was like, I'm not going anywhere.
01:23:34.940
I'm always going to be sitting in this chair waiting for you.
01:23:37.380
He's like, but I want to – Aaron said this to me.
01:23:39.760
He goes, I think it's pretty cool if I could see one of my teachers, he called his teacher, one of my teachers on TV.
01:23:48.320
He said, and if I had that opportunity, I would go, and I would hope you would want to watch me and be proud of me.
01:23:53.920
I think you should go do it and go live your dream.
01:23:57.940
And then because I would say – because he said – and then I said to him, I said to him, I was like, how are you so smart?
01:24:03.960
How are you so smart like this, and how are you so brave?
01:24:08.780
He was like, well – he was like, you see, Mr. Chris.
01:24:13.880
He said, when you can't walk or use your legs and you're in a wheelchair, he said, you have all day to sit and think.
01:24:20.100
He said, so I'm thinking about you, and I think you should go do it.
01:24:22.520
And then I swear to God, I fucking relieved myself, hysterical crying, like three hours later, I told the principal, I was like, I'm going to leave.
01:24:36.320
I put Chinese finger traps and shit on his toes.
01:24:38.280
I took those off because he couldn't feel it anyway.
01:24:44.340
That's remarkable, yeah, to think about how much time you have to think, just how still probably your world gets when you can't even move.
01:24:50.940
I had sex with four of the teachers at different times, and the heat was starting to get turned up because they all found out about it.
01:24:56.520
So they were starting to get a little heated in that physical therapy room.
01:24:59.540
Chrissy Petrie did it with that drip drop, too, man.
01:25:01.460
So between Aaron telling me to go live my dream and these girls about to press charges, it was time to leave.
01:25:11.740
You can check him out on History of Hyenas, man.
01:25:22.540
You can see him at the Jacksonville Comedy Zone.
01:25:32.780
March 19th, Gramercy Theater, Live History of Hyenas.
01:25:37.940
And then April 29th, Wall Street Theater, Norwalk, Connecticut.
01:25:41.040
Also, in April, I have Vancouver, Boston, Raleigh, North Carolina.
01:25:55.500
And check out the podcast, History of Hyenas, with Giannis Papas.
01:26:05.420
I wish I could be more fun, like just more engaging.
01:26:10.320
I like your energy this way because I like it because it's really you.
01:26:16.600
And then I like in the beginning, like when you get like a little catty bitch energy, I
01:26:22.880
When I was like talking to you, like, hey, save it for the podcast.
01:26:26.240
And then I like that you go in waves and zones with this thing.
01:26:32.200
That's why I've fucking been in that zone for a bit.
01:26:34.460
But I love the story about the kid in the wheelchair.
01:26:41.500
You got real good fucking positive energy, and I wish that we hung out more.
01:26:56.240
I bet it's a lot clearer than some of the patches you've had, bro.
01:27:01.500
But I'm just waiting for this last STD results.
01:27:07.140
I'm not saying I won't fuck guys, but definitely no girls.
01:27:10.760
But if you're only banging guys because you're taking a break from women, that's not gay, bro.
01:27:21.600
But guys, I feel like once you hook up with a guy, you're gay.
01:27:33.980
Dude, it got weird, though, towards the end because Opie and Jim were always arguing, right?
01:27:40.280
And to be honest, man, people would hit me up because at the end, I was on.
01:27:43.820
At the end, literally, every time Jim was out, Opie would call me in to be the fill-in because I was hungry.
01:27:48.880
I live right there, hungry for the opportunity.
01:27:56.880
And the truth is I didn't know because I only saw them argue once, and that was live on the air when everybody else saw it.
01:28:06.100
I would see Jim at the Comedy Cellar, wouldn't talk about it.
01:28:08.620
When I would speak to Opie privately, he wouldn't talk about it.
01:28:15.920
I just felt like I think it's hard to work with anybody for a long time to start that early in the morning.
01:28:24.200
It's tough to make things fit, you know, a lot of things.
01:28:53.180
No, I know his name's Nick, but aren't we calling him Scotty Bangs?
01:29:07.000
I'm going to fucking kiss you on the lips right now.
01:29:48.840
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.
01:29:58.580
But it's going to take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let myself
01:30:32.560
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll
01:30:51.680
be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to
01:31:03.400
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
01:31:12.240
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
01:31:20.880
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
01:31:25.420
Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
01:31:29.900
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
01:31:36.700
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.
01:31:40.860
Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.
01:31:45.120
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts, or watch us on YouTube,
01:31:50.900
And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.