This Past Weekend with Theo Von - Chris Distefano 2 ｜ This Past Weekend #265

00:00:00.000 Today's guest is a friend of mine from our time on the Opie and Anthony show and Opie and Jim Norton as well.

00:00:07.200 Sorry, he is a comedian.

00:00:09.900 He's one of the hosts of the History Hyenas podcast.

00:00:13.840 It's my friend and what is not an ally called?

00:00:18.020 Oh, and nemesis, Mr. Chris DeStefano.

00:00:21.560 Shine that light on me.

00:00:26.740 I'll sit and tell you our stories.

00:00:34.040 Shine that light on me.

00:00:39.620 I'll sit and tell you our stories.

00:00:42.640 Speak to Opie anymore.

00:00:44.660 I was going to do a team.

00:00:46.460 Yeah.

00:00:46.700 And then that guy died.

00:00:48.660 Carl.

00:00:49.360 Yeah.

00:00:49.820 God, that's so sad, huh?

00:00:51.060 Yeah.

00:00:51.840 Carl Rose.

00:00:52.280 That guy was a beautiful guy.

00:00:53.080 What happened to him?

00:00:53.480 He was a great guy.

00:00:55.040 Was it drugs, you think?

00:00:55.980 I think drugs didn't help him, but I think it was just eating. 0.96

00:01:02.360 I personally think that, just my opinion, that he was really fucking sad and devastated when his wife divorced him. 0.97

00:01:12.540 Oh, his wife left him? 0.99

00:01:13.280 That blonde? 1.00

00:01:13.700 His wife left him.

00:01:14.240 Yeah, she cheated on him with a busboy. 1.00

00:01:16.680 And he found out.

00:01:17.560 And then he moved to a cabin in the woods and was like, hey, I cut her a check for whatever, 200K.

00:01:21.040 She's out of my life. 1.00

00:01:22.440 Fuck it. 1.00

00:01:22.920 I'm the happiest I've ever been. 1.00

00:01:23.940 I live in the woods now. 0.96

00:01:24.840 Every day was like, shot of whiskey and, you know, fucked up food. 0.98

00:01:29.280 Firewood. 0.98

00:01:29.620 Yeah.

00:01:29.720 No, no.

00:01:30.100 Not even that.

00:01:30.620 Like, he would be like, yo, I eat McDonald's all day, every day.

00:01:32.720 In the woods?

00:01:33.540 Yeah.

00:01:33.940 He would just, and he would always post ruizing, R-U-I-Z-I-N-G, ruizing. 1.00

00:01:38.800 And so, but the food was crazy. 0.99

00:01:40.940 Like, the worst shit, you know, Big Mac with a devil dog with syrup on it and would eat it. 1.00

00:01:46.880 And he was like, ruizing. 1.00

00:01:47.800 And people start tweeting at him, ruizing, ruizing, and then he just didn't wake up one

00:01:51.280 day.

00:01:52.240 But I think, you know, when you're in your mid 40s, you start doing stuff like that.

00:01:56.220 Anybody is, is apt to have a heart attack.

00:01:59.400 Yeah.

00:01:59.560 It's dangerous.

00:02:00.260 Cause it's like, you know, that's the, and he's a chef too.

00:02:02.700 We're talking about Carl Ruiz.

00:02:04.080 Yeah.

00:02:04.360 Carl Ruiz or Ruiz.

00:02:06.660 Yeah. 1.00

00:02:07.240 And there's shit. 0.99

00:02:07.840 Yeah. 1.00

00:02:08.040 R-U-I-Z. 1.00

00:02:09.480 Everybody's seen that type of name, but, and also, yeah, you never kind of know how it

00:02:13.560 is.

00:02:13.780 Ruiz.

00:02:14.340 Ruiz.

00:02:14.940 Ruiz.

00:02:15.340 I'm probably going to say Ruiz.

00:02:16.080 Ruiz. 0.98

00:02:16.780 The mad Cuban. 1.00

00:02:17.720 Yeah. 1.00

00:02:17.860 The mad Cuban. 1.00

00:02:18.640 And he, dude, that's gotta be your worst nightmare. 0.99

00:02:22.720 You are a chef.

00:02:24.380 Right.

00:02:25.140 And your wife leaves you with a bus boy. 0.77

00:02:27.940 That's, that's the rumor.

00:02:29.380 I don't know if that is actually how it happened.

00:02:32.920 That's what we were told.

00:02:34.160 That's what he said on, you know, when we used to do Opie and all that.

00:02:38.240 But it's the story of the, it's just a, it's such a Greek tragedy almost.

00:02:41.440 You're in the back of the kitchen.

00:02:43.020 Right.

00:02:43.500 You're doing it.

00:02:44.260 You're doing a lamb chop.

00:02:45.500 You're doing a scallion.

00:02:46.940 Right.

00:02:47.360 You know?

00:02:47.980 Right.

00:02:48.300 You're doing the work.

00:02:49.480 Right.

00:02:49.840 Then you got this little Millie fricking Vanilli guy out here.

00:02:53.160 Right.

00:02:53.460 Filling waters and fricking offering extra butter.

00:02:56.060 And he might've been another Ruiz too.

00:02:57.880 Most chances are a bus boy working at a restaurant in New Jersey's last name is also Ruiz.

00:03:02.960 So it's all in the family.

00:03:04.000 It's kind of whack.

00:03:04.640 Cause he raised her kids like they were his own.

00:03:07.680 Wow.

00:03:07.940 Cause those weren't his biological children, but they called him dad and everything like

00:03:11.080 that.

00:03:11.220 And he just left, man. 0.72

00:03:12.500 And then he had just opened up this beautiful brand spanking ass new restaurant, I believe 0.78

00:03:16.480 in Midtown. 1.00

00:03:17.520 And then he fucking died like a month into it. 1.00

00:03:20.220 And was the restaurant still going? 1.00

00:03:21.900 Hell yeah.

00:03:22.340 I think the restaurant is closed now because he's gone or maybe, or maybe it changed, something

00:03:27.180 changed about the restaurant now.

00:03:28.340 So, but yeah, he was, um, it was such a shocking thing when he died.

00:03:33.440 Carl Ruiz.

00:03:34.180 His breath always stunk though.

00:03:35.520 So I always wondered if there was something rotting in, inside him.

00:03:39.900 Oh, rotting. 0.96

00:03:40.320 He always had stinky breath and that's no disrespect.

00:03:42.680 I'm not disrespecting the dead.

00:03:43.720 You know, I wouldn't, I wouldn't do that, but I'm saying I used to say like his breath 0.99

00:03:46.660 always smelled like hot ass. 0.99

00:03:48.680 And I'm just wondering if that, if there was something always going on like a hole or something. 0.99

00:03:53.860 It seemed like he kind of took a, like did one of those, um, Zen dip packs and never took

00:03:59.440 it out.

00:03:59.840 He never took it out.

00:04:00.800 Yeah.

00:04:00.920 Like he got a, what is that thing that women get if they leave a tampon in for too long? 1.00

00:04:04.260 Um, like a toxic, toxic shock syndrome.

00:04:06.920 It seemed like he had toxic shock syndrome from a Zen dip. 1.00

00:04:09.760 It smelled like one of his tonsils was dead and the other one was alive.

00:04:12.840 Yeah.

00:04:13.100 Like just, it wasn't all the way horrid, but something, there was some part of him,

00:04:17.280 if his, of his mouth, like a dead tooth or a dead tonsil, something or food stuck,

00:04:21.720 but something was always stank.

00:04:23.480 And the living one had hid the dead one and was telling the cops he didn't know what happened

00:04:27.360 to it.

00:04:27.780 Exactly.

00:04:28.480 The living one killed the dead one.

00:04:30.060 Yeah, that's true.

00:04:31.000 Yeah.

00:04:31.220 It's true.

00:04:31.700 But you know, RIP to Carl, I love him and I always will.

00:04:35.080 Yeah.

00:04:35.400 RIP Carl Ruiz.

00:04:36.660 Yeah.

00:04:37.060 Or Ruiz.

00:04:37.860 Ruiz.

00:04:38.560 Yeah. 0.96

00:04:38.840 I just call, we call him the mad Cuban. 1.00

00:04:40.620 Yeah. 0.98

00:04:40.880 Yeah. 0.99

00:04:41.400 The mad Cuban. 1.00

00:04:42.240 And, and that, and that's when you and I met, dude. 0.94

00:04:44.740 I was going to say, he's connected.

00:04:45.900 He's connected to, to us in a big way.

00:04:47.840 RIP Carl, man.

00:04:48.600 RIP Carl, man.

00:04:49.940 RIP Carl.

00:04:50.100 Man, he had such a big heart, man.

00:04:51.420 He had such a, well, yeah, I guess.

00:04:53.860 Yeah.

00:04:54.200 Or he didn't.

00:04:54.760 I don't know what happened to him.

00:04:55.580 They said.

00:04:55.940 Well, because if he died that early, he probably had a little heart.

00:04:58.080 Yeah.

00:04:58.360 But he had a big soul.

00:04:59.600 Small hearted.

00:05:01.060 Small hearted.

00:05:01.740 Yeah.

00:05:02.680 Small hearted.

00:05:03.480 And we got, uh, we got Nick Davis and, uh, Dom DePettis here too.

00:05:08.060 Yeah.

00:05:08.440 Dom DePettis, everybody.

00:05:09.880 They didn't, we didn't have enough time to get him on camera.

00:05:11.800 Yeah. 0.99

00:05:12.020 He's fine as fuck too. 0.99

00:05:13.440 He's on camera. 0.99

00:05:14.080 We can see him.

00:05:14.840 Oh, he is?

00:05:15.400 GoPro.

00:05:15.800 Not high def or anything.

00:05:16.840 Nick, you're cute too.

00:05:17.780 Thanks, buddy.

00:05:18.400 You really are.

00:05:18.840 You're one of those rare guys that can pull off bangs.

00:05:25.000 Dang, he is kind of, huh?

00:05:26.080 He's got nice bangs, man.

00:05:27.680 Dude, you guys were just, uh, you and Dom were just in, um, Cleveland, right?

00:05:31.340 Right.

00:05:31.720 Cleveland at Hilarity's Comedy Club.

00:05:33.840 Thank you.

00:05:34.340 The last time I went through there, I sold like 500 seats, which for me, that was good.

00:05:40.180 But this time, the whole weekend, 1500 out of 1600.

00:05:43.520 So for me, that's like a new ball field.

00:05:46.420 And I was telling him, telling you before the show, it all started when I came on your

00:05:50.100 podcast last January, got the ball rolling.

00:05:53.340 But you and Bert, when I did you guys back to back in the same week, I will never forget.

00:05:57.340 I had, I was just telling Dom this, I had 99,000 followers on Monday, like when I came

00:06:03.680 back, you know, as it came through the weekend, then you and Bert released in the same week.

00:06:07.840 By Friday of that week, I had 139,000.

00:06:11.040 Wow.

00:06:11.560 So now followers, who cares about the followers?

00:06:14.040 It's not about the vanity of it.

00:06:15.180 It's about that gate.

00:06:16.280 You guys gave me a real opportunity to gain your fans and give me the opportunity for me

00:06:21.400 to perform for them.

00:06:22.260 And then they stuck around and they're still buying.

00:06:24.360 And now they're fans of my podcast, the History Hyenas, and because we get it all the time

00:06:28.200 because we're like, where'd we find you?

00:06:29.520 We always send out a little service and it's always like this past weekend or Bert show

00:06:33.700 or there's a Big Pockets in New York, Girls Gotta Eat, Andrew Schultz. 0.61

00:06:37.000 And then recently, The Fighter and the Kid that I did a couple of months ago, all that

00:06:40.800 stuff, it's all the podcasts.

00:06:42.120 Like it's got nothing to do with television at all anymore.

00:06:45.220 It's just a podcast and what you can, how you can maximize that on the internet.

00:06:48.100 So appreciate it.

00:06:49.480 Yeah.

00:06:49.820 No, man.

00:06:50.260 Well, look, I'm glad that you came and I'm glad you came back, man.

00:06:53.740 You got nice fingers too.

00:06:54.980 I know that's one of those things I've never said to you, but I've been watching your IG

00:06:58.980 for a long time and I've been friends with you, I think since 2013, 14, and you got some

00:07:03.200 of the nicest fingers in the game and toes.

00:07:05.340 I didn't realize that you're, cause you're wearing thong-toed sandals right now.

00:07:08.760 So you got toes.

00:07:10.040 I'd like to put mustard on your toes and ketchup on your fingers and take a bite out of your 0.95

00:07:14.340 hot dog.

00:07:14.780 Is thong-toed sandals, is that too much for, is that like a woman kind of wearing a thong or 1.00

00:07:18.340 what is that like?

00:07:19.320 Is that too much?

00:07:19.860 If you came out, if you, I'll be honest with you, if you came to my part of Brooklyn,

00:07:23.140 right?

00:07:23.720 With the thong-toed sandals like that, there's a chance, not when you're with me, but there's

00:07:27.620 a chance, like, you know, one of my boys' names, Pat Finnegan, Patty Fly Balls, he would hit

00:07:31.260 you with a taped up wiffle ball bat.

00:07:32.860 Just because he would think like, why is this dude coming out with his no socks on?

00:07:36.320 Yeah.

00:07:36.460 Hey, so you got a guy, an adult doing frickin' the lamest crime ever, bro?

00:07:42.000 Yeah.

00:07:42.340 What else is he gonna do?

00:07:43.900 Are you gonna rob a bank with a slingshot, dude?

00:07:46.080 Dude, he used to tape quarters and nickels to the end of a tape, a wiffle ball bat, and 0.99

00:07:50.420 then put tape around it and just hit people in the back of the head with it.

00:07:53.440 He'd just get lit up by Patty Fly Balls.

00:07:57.100 Dude, when I was young, people used, if people, if somebody was really upset, you would go up

00:08:01.660 to him and you'd be like, you're mad, you would hit your throat and say, you're mad.

00:08:06.740 And it would make them so much madder, bro. 0.62

00:08:09.520 Of course.

00:08:10.200 There's something about that when people, you're mad.

00:08:12.640 Yeah.

00:08:13.300 And then you get hit.

00:08:13.960 Or what about this?

00:08:14.540 You go like that and then they'd look, see if caught you, you'd get punched in the stomach 0.94

00:08:18.180 for that. 0.70

00:08:18.800 Yeah.

00:08:19.380 That's like an embarrassing thing.

00:08:20.520 But they don't do that stuff anymore. 0.98

00:08:21.480 It's like dangerous youth, it's like white crime, it's like white childhood homoerotic crime. 1.00

00:08:27.360 I gotta be honest with you though, man, the neighborhood I grew up in, we did that white 1.00

00:08:31.440 homoerotic shit. 1.00

00:08:32.440 But if you fucked with the Albanians, the Albanians in my name. 1.00

00:08:35.900 Sand Christians, they call them. 1.00

00:08:36.980 Sand Christians. 1.00

00:08:39.100 In Ridgewood, Queens, Ridgewood, Bushwick area, Queens, Brooklyn area.

00:08:42.960 Bro, one time we're playing ball, right?

00:08:45.260 Somebody elbowed one of the Albanians by accident. 0.99

00:08:48.420 Kid got pissed off, came back 20 minutes later, 10 deep, okay?

00:08:53.440 Two of the Albanians had chainsaws, active chainsaws, running on the court with the chainsaws 1.00

00:09:00.020 trying to take off fucking limbs. 1.00

00:09:01.760 Damn. 1.00

00:09:02.180 Yeah, so nobody ever messed with the Albanians in my neighborhood. 0.99

00:09:04.800 They had a gang out there.

00:09:06.100 But imagine somebody coming at you with a chainsaw for realsies.

00:09:09.260 Oh, yeah.

00:09:09.860 Yeah, dude.

00:09:10.200 Yeah, dude, I used to work, I used to do, not logging, but I did yard work for a man.

00:09:15.520 And, yeah, you guys obviously never done any actual work, but, and I had to work with this

00:09:28.600 mentally challenged dude.

00:09:29.740 They called him, what was that guy's name?

00:09:31.600 Hold on.

00:09:32.340 They called him Tiger Cat, but I don't remember what his name was.

00:09:35.080 Right.

00:09:36.360 Ronnie?

00:09:37.420 Yeah, his name was Ronnie.

00:09:38.620 And they also called him Go Head Ronnie.

00:09:40.560 Go Head Ronnie, yeah. 0.95

00:09:41.300 And he was mentally disabled. 0.96

00:09:43.700 Right. 0.98

00:09:44.300 Or, yeah, he was mentally disabled. 0.71

00:09:45.960 And so one, so they, we get one chainsaw between the two of us, right?

00:09:49.220 Okay.

00:09:49.380 And he took it, you know?

00:09:51.420 And so I'm supposed to be kind of the foreman.

00:09:52.980 And he's literally lining up the thing and about to start it.

00:09:56.200 And instead of having it on a branch, has it lined up on my leg, bro.

00:09:59.640 What?

00:09:59.880 And not even like, not like just zoned out.

00:10:03.040 Like, this is where we start. 0.99

00:10:04.360 And you got thick fucking tree trunk legs, too. 0.99

00:10:06.540 The top, not the bottom. 0.99

00:10:07.880 No, I know.

00:10:08.400 Because your leg, I've always noticed that.

00:10:09.980 I mean, I was always like.

00:10:10.780 Really?

00:10:11.360 Thick legs, dude.

00:10:12.660 Absolutely, man.

00:10:13.580 What?

00:10:13.780 And you never really wore shorts.

00:10:14.740 I don't think you were looking at me. 1.00

00:10:15.300 You got a thick ass. 1.00

00:10:16.760 Yeah. 1.00

00:10:17.300 Yeah, you do. 1.00

00:10:18.160 I got a thick ass. 1.00

00:10:18.940 I got the ass of a D, kind of like a young black girl with Down syndrome. 1.00

00:10:22.600 Are you in shape? 1.00

00:10:22.900 Are you staying in shape?

00:10:23.660 You look in shape, but how do you feel?

00:10:25.580 Yeah, I don't feel, I feel tired, but I do, I did go, I did go to the gym this morning

00:10:29.220 and I'm going to go again on Thursday.

00:10:30.840 Yeah.

00:10:31.020 And I'm going to yoga today.

00:10:32.200 Going to yoga today.

00:10:32.880 Dude, what's it like different now that if you, when people, you're selling tickets, like what's

00:10:37.060 that experience like?

00:10:38.060 Um, I would say that now it's, it actually, to be honest with you, the last three shows

00:10:45.620 I've done three weeks I've done at least one of those four or five shows, I felt like I

00:10:49.320 was going to pass out and almost actively passed out at least one time a weekend because

00:10:53.740 it's this new thing.

00:10:54.740 Donnie was with me in hilarities last week and I was calling for him about 20 minutes

00:10:58.140 into the set.

00:10:58.740 I was like, you need to be near me because I may faint.

00:11:01.160 I may go down.

00:11:02.240 I don't know what it is.

00:11:02.980 I think it's like this pressure that they know who you are now and you better do well.

00:11:06.940 But the thing that saves me is because of the podcast, the History Hyena podcast, I'm

00:11:11.220 so honest and open about it as I was talking to the crowd being like, yo, I'm going to go

00:11:15.740 down.

00:11:16.100 Well, cause my podcast partner, Giannis Papas, we call him Yanni Nets because he did pass

00:11:20.580 out on stage in Providence.

00:11:22.000 So he was always, always got to have Nets behind him.

00:11:24.660 We're like, yo, this kid could go down.

00:11:25.520 Oh yeah, safety.

00:11:25.980 So we call him Yanni Nets.

00:11:27.040 Throw a helmet on that dude, bro.

00:11:28.340 I know, man.

00:11:29.220 I was like, I, so I'm going to be Chrissy Nets. 0.57

00:11:31.380 I was like, I'm Chrissy Nets right now.

00:11:32.620 I may go down.

00:11:33.220 So they were like laughing along with it.

00:11:34.620 But if they didn't know who I was, I would have fully passed out at Hilarities.

00:11:37.840 I would have fully passed out.

00:11:39.700 So there's a little bit of a anxiety inducing thing to it, but then it's also like sometimes

00:11:45.640 too good to be true because that's what I'm happy that I'm nowhere near my goal yet, not

00:11:50.760 even close, but I'm happy to be climbing at the pace I'm climbing because I've started

00:11:56.080 out as a, of course, open miker, then would feature on the road, MC on the road, then feature

00:12:00.980 on the road and then headline, you know, the low D rooms.

00:12:03.400 Even if I got into A rooms, it would be July 4th weekend or some half full weekend, not

00:12:07.920 really getting paid what I deserved at the time, but not, you know, I wasn't making any

00:12:12.320 real money.

00:12:13.000 And now to start climbing and sell out shows before I get there or sell a lot of tickets.

00:12:17.260 But you say pressure, like, what do you mean pressure?

00:12:19.400 Like you, the pressure.

00:12:20.880 Well, it's easy to perform for people.

00:12:22.420 I think that don't know who you are.

00:12:23.880 There's no, you're not letting anybody down.

00:12:26.440 They're going to be let down.

00:12:27.400 They feel like they're going to be let down anyway.

00:12:29.000 They're like got barked in or they got a free flyer to go to a show where as opposed

00:12:32.460 to somebody now paid a whatever, 20, 30, sometimes $40 ticket price, you know, depending

00:12:38.140 on whatever venue you're at, you know, you know how it is sometimes.

00:12:40.860 I don't know if you need new shoes or not.

00:12:42.520 It sounds like, dude. 1.00

00:12:43.520 Listen, man, my daughter eats a lot of fucking applesauce. 1.00

00:12:46.780 Yeah. 1.00

00:12:48.480 So it depends on, you know, whatever it is.

00:12:51.440 And it's like, there's pressure on that.

00:12:53.700 There's pressure to be like, I need to, these people, they have paid money.

00:12:56.840 They got babysitters.

00:12:57.580 I need to do well for them.

00:13:00.120 Yeah.

00:13:00.280 You know, it's funny.

00:13:00.860 I was thinking recently that I felt like a more of a pressure.

00:13:04.900 I liked having the element of surprise a lot and it's hard.

00:13:09.380 It's a little tougher to have it when people are coming out.

00:13:11.720 They know they come to see you.

00:13:13.420 Right.

00:13:13.900 You know, there's when people don't know how you're going to be.

00:13:16.680 Yeah.

00:13:17.040 There's an element of you can, there's an element of surprise.

00:13:19.420 There's an L there's like a, there's a mystery you can kind of play with.

00:13:22.700 You know, they don't know you, you know, there's like a, I don't know.

00:13:27.400 It's like, it's a real thing.

00:13:28.280 If I don't know who this guy is, then I can be, you know, I could be pleasantly surprised.

00:13:35.260 I could be unaware of how, you know, how he's entertaining me sometimes.

00:13:40.820 You know, it could be, you know, his humor could be very unique.

00:13:43.120 Right.

00:13:43.480 Whereas then if people know you, then it's different, you know, since you've been at the successful

00:13:47.660 have you been out with the theaters and all that? 0.99

00:13:48.940 Have you taken a hot, fat fucking bomb yet? 0.99

00:13:51.980 Like a hot, like a real fat one. 1.00

00:13:54.060 Like just a nice settle in front of, you know, 1500 plus, just a real stinker. 0.97

00:14:01.060 Cause it happens, man.

00:14:02.500 Will you just take a full settle?

00:14:05.660 Somebody goes, that's a no, no.

00:14:07.540 And it's just, you're just eating it.

00:14:09.580 And you start going, where are you from?

00:14:11.740 Or you start going, yo, you know what's weird?

00:14:15.420 There's nothing funnier.

00:14:16.580 There's nothing, the only things that can make comedians belly, belly, belly laugh

00:14:20.780 is watching another good comedian bomb and a fart joke or a fart or just not even a fart 1.00

00:14:27.020 joke, just an actual, just a wet, nasty fucking rip your asshole third gear fart. 1.00

00:14:32.080 Like that guy in barstool. 1.00

00:14:33.320 You see that guy in barstool with the third gear fart?

00:14:35.600 It's something to look up.

00:14:37.240 What fart, do you think the farts are getting nastier in certain countries or not?

00:14:41.040 I think, yeah.

00:14:41.940 Well, I think that's why I think we need a wall is because I think, you know, outside

00:14:45.860 the United States, those farts, man, that's the reason I, every time Trump's like, we need

00:14:50.220 a wall. 1.00

00:14:50.560 I'm like, yeah, Mexicans assholes are dirty. 1.00

00:14:52.720 We get that. 1.00

00:14:53.620 And Canadian assholes too, man. 1.00

00:14:55.380 Don't sleep on Canadian. 1.00

00:14:56.720 Don't sleep on how disgusting Canadian fart could be. 1.00

00:15:00.280 Really? 0.99

00:15:00.660 Poutine.

00:15:01.280 You know what that's like?

00:15:02.060 That's cheese curd.

00:15:03.280 Yeah.

00:15:03.460 I want a wall around all that because there's a wall around us, man.

00:15:06.580 Well, why does it, everybody should just get a little wall that they can bring with

00:15:09.300 them and put wherever they want, man?

00:15:10.920 Canada and Mexico, because the truth of the situation-

00:15:12.760 Here we got a man right here doing something.

00:15:14.520 There's an urban guy right here.

00:15:15.960 This is the, ain't ever hear a fart hit third gear is the caption.

00:15:20.080 Take a look. 1.00

00:15:33.300 Damn. 1.00

00:15:34.200 And they're probably going to, and they're going to blame it somehow on white people, I'm 1.00

00:15:37.120 sure, dude. 0.99

00:15:37.920 That's insane, bro.

00:15:39.280 That's insane, right?

00:15:41.140 Wow, dude.

00:15:41.780 In the third gear.

00:15:42.320 That's a Tokyo Drift, huh?

00:15:44.340 Dude, I was watching that thing for an hour yesterday, crying. 1.00

00:15:47.780 Damn, bro. 0.99

00:15:48.200 Dude, my beautiful four-year-old daughter was doing ballet and doing some of the finest 1.00

00:15:52.280 moves she's ever done and getting to new heights in her life, and I was head buried in the

00:15:55.680 phone crying, laughing because of this dude's third gear fart. 0.54

00:15:59.440 And her mom was like, this is why we can't be together.

00:16:01.760 Her mom was just, she was like, this is why.

00:16:03.900 We're just always going to be co-parents.

00:16:05.280 Because I was just like, yo, crying.

00:16:09.480 She thought I was crying.

00:16:10.360 At first, my kid's mom thought I was crying because of how beautiful.

00:16:12.360 My daughter nailed a pirouette. 1.00

00:16:14.140 I was listening to that with my headphones on.

00:16:16.580 Yo, hysterical crying at the ballet.

00:16:18.980 And look at, are they husband and wife, you think?

00:16:20.820 Yes.

00:16:21.320 They are. 0.77

00:16:22.260 And he just blasted his wife with that. 0.99

00:16:24.280 Oh, could you imagine what those undies must look like? 1.00

00:16:27.020 Yo.

00:16:28.480 His drawers must be wild.

00:16:30.620 Dude, I can't even imagine.

00:16:32.280 So that would make me cry laughing and watching a good, good, good comedian or a video of

00:16:38.400 myself bombing hard where you just can't get, you're just eating it.

00:16:42.800 I just did the Impractical Jokers cruise.

00:16:45.620 How was it?

00:16:46.160 I was supposed to be on there.

00:16:47.080 Yeah, it was fun, man.

00:16:48.280 It was fun. 0.99

00:16:49.420 I see a lot of fat ass people, but it was fun. 0.99

00:16:52.080 Well, whatever. 1.00

00:16:52.860 I'm in better shape, but I still got fat, puffy nipples. 0.71

00:16:57.300 I'm still a size, I used to be 38 weights, now I'm a 36. 0.85

00:17:00.480 Yeah.

00:17:00.900 So I've slimmed down, but I'm still.

00:17:02.760 Like I wouldn't hit, if you were coworkers, I probably wouldn't hit on you.

00:17:05.060 I wouldn't.

00:17:05.600 Right.

00:17:05.980 If you were a female. 0.86

00:17:07.040 Well, the thing is like this, is I always feel like it's, you know, people have said

00:17:11.420 this to me and they're right.

00:17:13.060 I got lead a man face, best friend body.

00:17:15.240 That's what it is.

00:17:15.880 It's a letdown.

00:17:16.660 It's a letdown with women with me. 1.00

00:17:18.440 Usually they think it's going to be something else.

00:17:19.960 I think I'm, you know, this tough guy's guy, whatever that I got that look.

00:17:23.540 Some people tell me I look like Ben Affleck.

00:17:25.220 Some people tell me I look like Ben Stiller.

00:17:26.920 Yeah.

00:17:27.140 It's a big difference.

00:17:27.720 You look like Ben Better.

00:17:28.720 I know that.

00:17:29.600 Yeah.

00:17:31.400 Yeah, dude.

00:17:32.600 So I.

00:17:33.080 Sorry, Rob.

00:17:33.920 Yeah.

00:17:34.640 Yeah.

00:17:35.240 Ben Better.

00:17:36.500 Yeah.

00:17:36.700 Yeah.

00:17:37.020 Dog down, dude. 1.00

00:17:38.260 You look like somebody who's fucking using performance enhancing drugs to swim. 1.00

00:17:43.800 That's what you look like, dude. 1.00

00:17:44.920 Dude, you look like Rhea Perlman. 0.94

00:17:47.100 Do I really?

00:17:48.180 You got Rhea Perlman hair.

00:17:49.640 She's talented.

00:17:50.640 She is talented.

00:17:51.240 Bro, Cheers was a good show.

00:17:52.480 So this, I feel like CBS is my cheers because I'm always getting STDs.

00:17:56.640 Yeah.

00:17:57.260 Just always in there like, yo, y'all got me.

00:18:00.760 Oh, Rhea Perlman.

00:18:01.900 No, but her hair like that. 1.00

00:18:03.760 Extremely Jewish. 1.00

00:18:04.700 Yeah.

00:18:05.020 She's got the. 0.96

00:18:05.660 Yeah.

00:18:06.080 No, but we said you look like you have the same hair as Eileen Wuornos.

00:18:08.860 Oh, yeah.

00:18:09.280 That was the old clip with Carl.

00:18:11.020 R.I.P.

00:18:11.440 Carl.

00:18:11.680 We said that you look like Eileen Wuornos, the first female serial killer ever killed.

00:18:14.900 You have that kind of hair going.

00:18:16.560 Yeah.

00:18:16.840 But that's all right.

00:18:18.120 But.

00:18:18.580 What were you talking about?

00:18:19.520 Oh, we were saying, I was saying that like, yeah, like laughing at.

00:18:22.540 So, so you have it.

00:18:23.240 So since you've been.

00:18:23.960 Things that make me laugh.

00:18:24.840 When I.

00:18:25.240 The thing that make me.

00:18:26.060 Oh, I have not.

00:18:26.880 No, I haven't.

00:18:27.540 I had a.

00:18:28.120 This.

00:18:28.440 This.

00:18:28.700 Actually, this weekend in.

00:18:31.560 This.

00:18:32.140 Actually, about two weeks ago in Maryland, I had a tough show.

00:18:34.840 Right.

00:18:35.240 Maryland.

00:18:35.700 Yeah.

00:18:36.000 And it was like, it was a big place.

00:18:37.380 Man, it was twenty five hundred.

00:18:38.420 So it was like one of the biggest places that I've been in to perform.

00:18:40.920 Maybe in the States, the biggest place.

00:18:42.340 Right.

00:18:42.640 You move tickets, brother.

00:18:43.760 But it was crazy, man.

00:18:44.700 And it was amazing.

00:18:45.560 You know, everybody that came out and stuff.

00:18:49.520 That was a call.

00:18:51.060 I call that a top of the cracker. 1.00

00:18:52.400 That came right out of the top of my ass. 1.00

00:18:55.400 Sometimes it's interesting. 1.00

00:18:56.660 Sometimes a fart is really right on deck.

00:18:59.240 And then sometimes it's very lost.

00:19:00.940 And it's kind of like almost like they have to call it to the front of the line.

00:19:03.540 Like its mom just got there to pick it up at carpool.

00:19:05.720 And it's like, hey, where's Ronnie?

00:19:07.080 Yeah. 1.00

00:19:07.400 And it came out of the top of my ass. 1.00

00:19:08.780 So I didn't even mean to time it that way. 0.99

00:19:09.940 But it was one of those things where I can't hold it anymore.

00:19:11.900 It's going to find a way out.

00:19:12.820 And it leaked out of the top.

00:19:13.720 Oh, then there was a man very similar to that, which is exactly what made the show so tough. 0.69

00:19:19.240 Just a guy in the front is being just crazy.

00:19:22.120 Yeah, right.

00:19:22.700 Just too much sometimes, you know.

00:19:24.380 And that stage was really big.

00:19:26.820 And the acoustics were like different.

00:19:28.480 And so it was like just it was it was tougher to manage.

00:19:31.000 It was like, OK, I'm having to manage something that's different here.

00:19:33.840 Like, you know, the stage is bigger.

00:19:35.740 So how much do I move on the stage?

00:19:37.520 So I try to move up and down the whole stage instead of just I probably should have just took

00:19:41.920 the middle third and just moved up and down that.

00:19:44.380 How how have you had some since, you know, obviously with these bigger venues had a time

00:19:49.680 where you felt like you were going to pass out, even if it's going great, 20 minutes

00:19:52.800 into the set, 30 minutes into the set, overwhelming energy.

00:19:55.320 Has that happened to you or you always feel in control when you're on stage?

00:19:58.560 Like it's like your safe zone.

00:20:00.400 I felt a lot.

00:20:01.500 I feel in control.

00:20:02.760 I just feel like I think I just feel tired.

00:20:05.620 I think it's just like, OK, we're getting through it.

00:20:08.560 You know, I want everybody to see the show.

00:20:10.320 I want everybody to see the tour.

00:20:11.340 So it's like, you know, places keep popping up that we haven't been.

00:20:14.800 And so you bring the same dudes with you.

00:20:16.720 Yeah.

00:20:17.240 Yeah.

00:20:17.360 I bring the same guy most of the time.

00:20:18.380 This guy Ari Maness.

00:20:19.440 Oh, great.

00:20:20.020 That's so important, right?

00:20:21.440 To have somebody on the road with you to keep your mental health.

00:20:24.700 Oh, he helps me so much.

00:20:25.640 Because if you sit there alone, I don't care how successful you are.

00:20:27.920 You start to really think about everything.

00:20:30.520 And then it starts to real.

00:20:31.440 So that's why I like having Don and I got my other boy, Sergio Chacon.

00:20:34.280 They come out with me.

00:20:35.540 Yeah, he's like Ari Maness, like a service animal, man.

00:20:37.780 He's great, dude.

00:20:38.420 Like, he's always level-headed.

00:20:40.540 He's always the same.

00:20:41.440 Like, if I'm losing my mind or something.

00:20:43.100 Yeah, because you're sober, too, right?

00:20:44.400 He's always the same.

00:20:44.980 Yeah, that's why I got Don. 1.00

00:20:46.340 Don's a piece of shit. 1.00

00:20:47.220 He drinks and he's. 1.00

00:20:49.260 Yes, I am.

00:20:50.060 Yes, I am.

00:20:51.120 But Don is good because Don's always down for a good time.

00:20:53.600 Yeah.

00:20:53.840 Sergio is 10 years sober.

00:20:56.520 Wow.

00:20:57.000 Boxing instructor.

00:20:57.900 So when you, you know how when we go on the road, you come back that Monday and you're

00:21:00.400 like, oh, man, I got to hit the gym. 0.99

00:21:02.160 I fucked up. 0.99

00:21:03.100 With Sergio, you come back like, yo, I could take Monday off. 1.00

00:21:05.660 Wow.

00:21:05.900 Because he's got you up at 7 a.m.

00:21:07.240 doing drills, working.

00:21:08.820 So it's good to have him.

00:21:09.780 I like having both guys with me.

00:21:11.140 That's unfair.

00:21:12.040 A little bit.

00:21:12.800 Donnie and I do work out.

00:21:13.780 We work out.

00:21:14.540 Donnie does work out.

00:21:15.440 That's right.

00:21:15.880 Don doesn't.

00:21:16.400 I mean, Don. 1.00

00:21:16.820 Don's a sex addict. 1.00

00:21:18.100 I believe all of that. 1.00

00:21:19.340 I believe that Don works out.

00:21:20.240 He doesn't.

00:21:20.640 I don't believe that he works, that he seems like a guy that works out.

00:21:23.720 Right.

00:21:23.960 Wow.

00:21:25.020 Yeah.

00:21:25.360 I don't have a.

00:21:26.360 You know how some men have like a V?

00:21:27.760 I have an H.

00:21:28.780 Yeah.

00:21:28.880 It just goes straight.

00:21:29.560 Yeah.

00:21:29.800 No, you look good with no shirt on.

00:21:31.540 Thanks.

00:21:32.240 Okay.

00:21:32.780 Nice.

00:21:33.360 I believe it, man.

00:21:34.100 Look, a lot of men look good, I think.

00:21:36.100 I'm one of those guys like I just, no matter what.

00:21:39.260 But not sexual good.

00:21:41.080 That's where I'm drawing that one.

00:21:42.240 Here's a lady right here with a question, man. 1.00

00:21:43.820 Oh, for me?

00:21:44.440 Yeah.

00:21:45.540 Hey, Theo and Chris.

00:21:46.460 I hope you're both doing well.

00:21:48.260 So my question is for both of you.

00:21:50.160 I know Chris has mentioned he's played high school and college basketball.

00:21:54.260 So if you had a pickup game of just stand-up comedians, who would be your starting five and why?

00:21:59.840 Thanks for everything.

00:22:00.580 Great question.

00:22:00.860 You want to go first or you want me to go first?

00:22:02.060 Um, well, I lose by letting you go first.

00:22:06.620 Go ahead.

00:22:06.920 You go first then.

00:22:07.660 Okay.

00:22:08.100 I'm going to go first.

00:22:09.360 So this is a great question, by the way.

00:22:11.160 It is a great question.

00:22:11.860 We got to do it like the playground.

00:22:12.900 Theo gets a pick.

00:22:13.880 Then on the snake, Chris gets two.

00:22:16.900 Chris gets two.

00:22:17.600 And then Theo gets two.

00:22:18.280 All right.

00:22:18.440 We'll do it like that.

00:22:19.140 Go ahead.

00:22:19.360 You go first, Theo. 1.00

00:22:21.600 Shit. 0.99

00:22:22.840 Um, years ago they tried to, is this, uh. 1.00

00:22:28.700 What was your first pick?

00:22:30.100 Years ago.

00:22:30.700 Uh, is this live?

00:22:32.760 Uh, hold on.

00:22:34.080 My first pick, uh, I need a basketball player.

00:22:37.680 I need somebody.

00:22:39.220 You know, I'm honestly, I am thinking urban out of the gate.

00:22:42.120 I'm trying to see who's out there.

00:22:44.100 That's a good player that maybe used to play.

00:22:47.540 You're already taken.

00:22:48.660 I'm going to go with, um, all right.

00:22:54.260 I'm going to go with my boy.

00:22:56.480 I'll go with Brennan Schaub.

00:22:57.600 I'll put him down in the paint.

00:22:58.280 Brennan Schaub.

00:22:58.920 Yeah.

00:22:59.180 I was thinking too, I want to only pick black guys. 1.00

00:23:01.560 So I'm going to start off with Andrew Schultz.

00:23:05.040 And then, so I got, but hold on.

00:23:08.100 No mop, no fashion in the paint.

00:23:10.320 No, no, no.

00:23:11.280 That's the only thing, bro.

00:23:11.720 No.

00:23:11.900 You do more than three seconds of fashion in the paint, you're out.

00:23:14.760 So I'm going to take Andrew Schultz as my, as my first black guy.

00:23:17.900 And then, um, second, I'm going to take, um, second, I'm going to take, uh, I'll take, uh, Dave Chappelle.

00:23:26.080 Wow.

00:23:26.580 Yeah.

00:23:26.880 Does he hoop?

00:23:27.660 I don't know, but it's just nice to have two black legends on your squad.

00:23:30.920 Respect, respect.

00:23:31.720 Yeah.

00:23:32.020 I'm going to go with, um, uh, this is so tough.

00:23:39.300 Even though I have this wall right here to help.

00:23:40.940 I'm going to go with, give me.

00:23:47.320 You get two.

00:23:49.020 Hmm.

00:23:49.320 You take two.

00:23:50.100 Okay.

00:23:50.460 Then I'm going to go with, I'll go with Andrew Santino.

00:23:55.680 Hmm.

00:23:56.160 Nice.

00:23:56.800 And you got one more, right?

00:23:57.880 Yep.

00:23:58.300 And I'm going to go with, um, I'll probably roll with Leslie Jones.

00:24:03.140 Nice.

00:24:03.800 That's a nice pick.

00:24:04.900 That's defense. 0.73

00:24:05.680 That's defense. 0.73

00:24:06.400 Andrew Jones.

00:24:06.960 So now I've picked my final two.

00:24:08.620 Okay.

00:24:09.020 So my final two, um, I'll say I will go with my second pick.

00:24:15.900 Um, I'd like to go with Eric Griffin.

00:24:17.900 Nice.

00:24:18.360 Yeah.

00:24:19.100 He's tall.

00:24:19.940 He can coach when he, yeah.

00:24:21.140 Yeah.

00:24:21.380 Well, no, I got to, I got to pick for who my coach is going to be.

00:24:23.780 Okay.

00:24:24.100 Um, and then for the fifth, my final, I'd like to round it out.

00:24:27.900 Um, I'll, I'll round it out with Bill Burr.

00:24:30.240 Wow.

00:24:30.620 I'll round it out with Bill Burr. 0.93

00:24:31.580 Just a tough Boston guy that, you know, will miss one shot and start punching people in 0.90

00:24:35.400 the face, cause a fight. 0.96

00:24:36.340 I like that.

00:24:36.960 Okay.

00:24:37.200 I want to like a scrappy white dude.

00:24:39.000 Respect.

00:24:39.200 That's Bill Burr.

00:24:39.860 Respect, man.

00:24:40.660 I'm going to roll then.

00:24:42.340 I need a little bit of outside.

00:24:43.980 I'm going to need a shooter from the outside.

00:24:45.820 So I'm going to go with, um, I'm going to go with, give me, uh, give me Sebastian.

00:25:03.820 I'll take Sebastian.

00:25:04.820 Nice.

00:25:05.520 He stays in shape.

00:25:07.520 Yep.

00:25:07.920 And I could see him.

00:25:09.140 It might be really hilarious to watch, but I could see him somehow shooting a three pointer.

00:25:12.480 Yeah.

00:25:12.680 Yeah.

00:25:12.880 Yeah.

00:25:13.480 Yeah.

00:25:13.720 And those pants.

00:25:14.380 And I could see him jumping when he does it.

00:25:16.060 He needs to jump.

00:25:16.760 Yeah.

00:25:17.320 You got one more pick.

00:25:18.480 All right.

00:25:18.720 I got one more pick.

00:25:19.900 Then I need, I'm going to need a little bit more help down in the paint.

00:25:23.980 I'm going to go with somebody long.

00:25:25.700 I'm going to go with Chris Porter.

00:25:26.880 Nice.

00:25:27.300 Chris Porter.

00:25:28.800 That's a nice squad.

00:25:29.720 And now coach coaching.

00:25:31.760 My team.

00:25:32.400 I like to be coached by Ari Shafir.

00:25:34.380 Okay.

00:25:34.760 I think he's got, I think it would have some words for the refs.

00:25:37.700 That would piss people off.

00:25:39.320 Okay.

00:25:39.860 That's that.

00:25:40.460 Yeah.

00:25:40.780 All right.

00:25:41.400 Uh, my team, I think is going to be coached by Eric Griffin, actually.

00:25:46.560 So he's going to have to come out of the game sometimes.

00:25:48.120 Yeah.

00:25:48.400 Yeah.

00:25:48.720 Yeah.

00:25:48.960 Yeah.

00:25:49.120 Yeah.

00:25:49.780 Riffing with just riff and ref.

00:25:51.420 Yeah.

00:25:51.660 Yeah.

00:25:52.000 So I would go coached by Eric Griffin.

00:25:54.160 All right.

00:25:54.260 That's, I think that's a nice squad.

00:25:55.480 Hopefully that answers on the young lady's question.

00:25:57.280 Why are y'all going to leave Kirk Fox on the bench?

00:25:59.600 Yes, I am.

00:26:00.360 Super tall.

00:26:01.080 And he was at, he plays tennis.

00:26:02.320 He's athletic.

00:26:03.540 Yeah.

00:26:03.920 I don't know if I see him doing basketball.

00:26:07.260 Well, he was also in the Patriots, which was one of my favorite movies.

00:26:10.000 Interesting.

00:26:10.500 Shout out Mel Gibson.

00:26:11.540 Um, I could also give, yeah, Bobby Lee would be nice on the team.

00:26:14.940 Is it?

00:26:15.520 So, Oh, use him as the basketball.

00:26:18.100 Yeah.

00:26:20.900 Just use him as like this, like a complaining little basketball.

00:26:24.300 Yeah.

00:26:24.780 I love Bobby Lee, man.

00:26:26.140 Here's another guy's podcast.

00:26:27.200 The tiger belly podcast.

00:26:28.160 I did.

00:26:28.540 Oh man.

00:26:28.760 That was fantastic.

00:26:29.760 So shout out Bobby Lee.

00:26:30.680 Thank you.

00:26:31.060 It's so much fun.

00:26:31.800 Yeah.

00:26:31.960 What, I mean, obviously, what is it about the podcast?

00:26:34.340 I mean, that everybody, I mean, it definitely allows you to know people kind of better,

00:26:37.960 you know?

00:26:38.840 Yeah.

00:26:39.340 Well, I think because, I think it's because like when I did also Andrew Santino, Whiskey

00:26:43.780 Ginger, another one that helped me.

00:26:45.440 It's like, you just talk for an hour or two about anything.

00:26:49.040 Sometimes it's funny.

00:26:49.820 Sometimes it's personal.

00:26:50.760 Sometimes it's a mix of both.

00:26:52.320 Divulge information.

00:26:54.300 People feel like they really know you.

00:26:55.960 They're investing in you.

00:26:56.680 It's not like a five minute little tonight show set, which is fine.

00:27:00.160 Or even an hour long standup set, which is still disconnected.

00:27:03.100 A podcast is like, hey, I'm, you know me now.

00:27:07.000 Right.

00:27:07.120 So it's like, I'm listening to you.

00:27:08.380 You're in my ear for an hour.

00:27:09.240 It almost feels like a family member.

00:27:10.540 I think to some people, I know even me, when I listen to podcasts, sometimes to catch up

00:27:14.800 with you guys, I'll listen to your guys podcast because I'm like, they're, I can find out

00:27:18.960 about their life this way.

00:27:20.080 Yeah.

00:27:20.280 So, and I think that easily makes an audience member buy a ticket.

00:27:23.400 What I need to do personally is stop divulging so much personal information because I'm pissing

00:27:27.900 members of my family and friends off because I'm making jokes about them using their real

00:27:32.380 names because I just get so in the moment because right now we're just in a little studio.

00:27:35.760 I did that with my whole town.

00:27:37.260 Yeah.

00:27:37.700 Because right now we're just like in a little beautiful studio, but like this could be heard

00:27:40.900 by a million plus.

00:27:42.180 And I'm just yelling Pat Finnegan.

00:27:44.020 That's his actual birth name.

00:27:45.900 That's his government name.

00:27:47.080 And he's an active duty firefighter and I just said he used to beat people with a bat

00:27:50.900 and he could lose his job.

00:27:52.540 Well, look, Pat, or he could gain work somewhere as a bouncer.

00:27:55.700 You know what I'm saying?

00:27:56.360 You got to think of the other side of the coin.

00:27:57.680 You could be doing something for Pat Finnegan. 0.99

00:28:00.920 Because half this shit is like, you know, I'm having a good time. 0.99

00:28:03.940 I'm telling the truth, but I'm making it up or I'm embellishing the details for performance 0.99

00:28:07.340 and people get pissed. 0.98

00:28:08.680 Like even people in my personal life, like, yo, why the fuck do you say that about me? 0.91

00:28:11.500 I'm like, yo, when the mics turn off, I don't even remember what I said. 0.96

00:28:15.500 Like I genuinely, we're talking for an hour, an hour and a half. 0.99

00:28:18.400 I don't know what the fuck I said. 0.98

00:28:20.260 I'm just in the moment having fun. 0.99

00:28:21.860 That's what I see.

00:28:22.580 I used to be, I'm just trying to be alive.

00:28:24.360 Like I'm not trying to, I'm trying to stay alive.

00:28:26.660 Yeah.

00:28:27.180 While I'm on a microphone or not.

00:28:28.940 I'm trying to, I'm not trying to hurt anybody.

00:28:30.220 What do you use per plus?

00:28:31.760 Uh.

00:28:32.400 Because it looks like, because you have very, very healthy, healthy, healthy hair.

00:28:36.140 Yeah, really?

00:28:36.860 Absolutely, man.

00:28:37.480 Wow, thanks.

00:28:37.940 Not a lot of people could pull off a mullet and bangs.

00:28:40.100 So, so this, this podcast crew.

00:28:41.580 Mullet and bangs.

00:28:42.280 That's our new nickname, dude.

00:28:43.240 Mullet and bangs.

00:28:43.640 If we're ever cops.

00:28:45.500 People, I'm not sure what you just said a second ago, but I do want to say, we got,

00:28:49.780 I want to call Brad Williams.

00:28:50.740 Because remember, you know this Quaden Bales thing that happened?

00:28:52.840 Yeah, I do.

00:28:53.440 Yeah.

00:28:53.820 The young gunner, this Australian young buck. 1.00

00:28:56.380 Right.

00:28:56.760 And, and people really lightened into him.

00:28:59.540 Yeah, but, right.

00:29:00.680 And Brad did a fundraiser for him and it was supposed to be to raise 10 grand.

00:29:05.240 And I think they raised about a lot more.

00:29:08.280 I'm going to say a couple hundred thousand.

00:29:09.380 But then, unfortunately.

00:29:10.400 Hold on.

00:29:10.880 Okay.

00:29:12.500 Sorry, don't hold on.

00:29:13.440 You say whatever you want.

00:29:14.240 Yeah, say what you can say.

00:29:15.080 I was going to say, I'm sorry, pictures, pictures of that kid came out with him with strippers

00:29:18.940 and stuff like that.

00:29:19.820 Did they really?

00:29:20.360 So, I don't think he's eight years.

00:29:21.500 I don't, they say he's not eight or nine years old, but I don't care.

00:29:24.380 He's still small enough.

00:29:25.300 He still can't get on all the rides.

00:29:26.700 So, we should still just send him out there.

00:29:28.500 Well, I mean, if you want, I don't know what happened.

00:29:31.960 So, what I'm wondering is, do we know what happened?

00:29:34.360 And you guys are going to have to put on the headphones to hear Brad when we call him? 0.99

00:29:37.980 I mean, $300,000 is a lot of fucking money. 0.98

00:29:41.200 I don't have Brad's number. 0.99

00:29:42.800 All right.

00:29:49.740 Because this thing really captivated the nation last week.

00:29:52.340 And put the phone in the middle of the table.

00:29:53.640 Hey, brother.

00:29:54.060 What's up, man?

00:29:54.500 It's Theo.

00:29:55.720 Hey, buddy.

00:29:56.520 How are you?

00:29:57.800 Doing fantastic.

00:29:59.020 Hey, man.

00:29:59.440 Thanks for answering the call.

00:30:00.240 We got Chris DiStefano here in the podcast right now.

00:30:04.460 What's up, Brad?

00:30:05.680 Hey, buddy.

00:30:06.520 Hey, Chris.

00:30:07.320 I'm seeing you on Thursday.

00:30:08.760 Yes, on Thursday, man.

00:30:09.840 We're going to do Kimmel together.

00:30:11.600 Oh, y'all are?

00:30:12.500 A little stand-up, yeah.

00:30:13.940 A duet?

00:30:15.080 We should.

00:30:15.620 We could do that.

00:30:16.320 I'm down to do that.

00:30:17.800 Yeah, we're going to do a Jeff Dunham act.

00:30:21.060 Yeah.

00:30:22.620 Hold on.

00:30:25.720 But, Brad, only if Chris sits on your lap.

00:30:28.220 That's the only way.

00:30:29.160 Yeah, we're doing a reverse Jeff Dunham.

00:30:32.080 Yeah, it's going to be great. 1.00

00:30:34.100 Get your hand up my ass. 1.00

00:30:35.620 It's one of my favorite sex moves, reverse Jeff Dunham. 1.00

00:30:38.300 Yeah, you can get a reverse Jeff Dunham at the cat house in Vegas. 0.81

00:30:45.660 Let's do it, dude.

00:30:46.400 That's why I'll stay an extra night then.

00:30:48.620 You don't need an extra night, bro.

00:30:50.120 You just stop by during the day.

00:30:51.320 All right, I'll do that then. 0.88

00:30:52.040 Don't be that creeper that hangs out after.

00:30:53.600 Me and Brad, daylight cat house. 0.90

00:30:55.240 You're going to be living in the apartments?

00:31:00.300 Oh, God.

00:31:01.700 Brad, we talked about the Quayton Bales thing on the podcast last week, and everybody's been talking about it.

00:31:07.720 I know that you did a fundraiser for him.

00:31:09.860 Can you kind of take us through a little bit of that and where you're at now with it?

00:31:13.140 Yeah, no problem.

00:31:14.000 First of all, he's nine years old, everybody, okay? 1.00

00:31:19.580 So stop with your damn conspiracy theories. 1.00

00:31:22.980 He's nine years old. 0.98

00:31:24.240 Anyway, I got wind of the video because I've got some Australian fans that kept sending me the video,

00:31:32.640 and I don't know why they kept sending it to me.

00:31:35.640 Just like, hey, you're a dwarf.

00:31:37.020 He's a dwarf. 0.86

00:31:37.740 You can help him.

00:31:38.360 Like, I don't know what they were thinking.

00:31:43.360 Like all the cousins?

00:31:44.840 Yeah, like I've got some hotline or something.

00:31:47.540 Yeah.

00:31:49.160 But I saw the video, and like anyone who saw the video who's got a pulse, I was really moved by it.

00:31:57.700 Of course, I'm a fellow little person.

00:32:00.940 He's got the same kind of dwarfism that I do, and I was bullied growing up.

00:32:04.380 So it really spoke to me.

00:32:07.980 So I thought, I've got to do something, but I can't.

00:32:10.800 You know, I'm out in Los Angeles.

00:32:12.340 What can I do?

00:32:13.100 He's in Australia.

00:32:14.500 So I thought, well, I'll throw together a GoFundMe page and send the kid to Disneyland.

00:32:20.100 I grew up going to Disneyland.

00:32:21.480 Kids love Disneyland.

00:32:22.780 So I did that, set the goal at $10,000 because with $10,000, you can buy them flights, tickets, and maybe two churros.

00:32:32.200 Those things are expensive.

00:32:33.160 And I figured, you know, that'd be a good time.

00:32:38.400 So I set it at $10,000, tweeted it out, and then I went to bed.

00:32:43.720 And the next day, it was at $18,000. 0.99

00:32:48.060 Damn. 0.98

00:32:49.120 And then Hugh Jackman talked about it. 1.00

00:32:52.220 William Shatner talked about it.

00:32:54.040 It started getting passed around to all these celebrities.

00:32:56.300 That's the normal one.

00:32:56.900 And then currently, we're at $460,000. 0.99

00:33:01.960 Damn. 0.99

00:33:03.040 That's what Theo gets for a weekend. 1.00

00:33:05.560 Homeboy is going to buy Disneyland.

00:33:08.680 And I'm thrilled about that.

00:33:10.460 I hope a dwarf owns Disneyland because then probably no more height requirements. 1.00

00:33:13.940 I'll be happy.

00:33:14.560 That'd be great.

00:33:15.860 Yeah.

00:33:16.220 Space Mountain all day.

00:33:17.260 And so whenever the conspiracy theories came out, I mean, just because, you know, people are skeptical of everything, what did you do then?

00:33:27.540 Oh, man.

00:33:28.200 I just kind of let it go.

00:33:29.460 Like, if I chased down every person that was talking about it or saying that he's 18 years old or that he's not really 18, he's a 45-year-old actor, you know, just weird stuff like that.

00:33:44.560 Yeah, people saying he's in Dunkirk.

00:33:46.440 He was in Dunkirk?

00:33:47.560 Yeah.

00:33:47.840 That's what people were saying.

00:33:48.680 That's hilarious.

00:33:49.180 What were they, dropping him out of the plane? 1.00

00:33:50.540 All kinds of shit. 0.99

00:33:51.580 I have no idea. 1.00

00:33:53.580 He played one of the bombs.

00:33:55.300 You guys have seen him?

00:33:56.280 Dropping him out to the Germans?

00:33:58.340 Yeah, people were, there were all kinds of conspiracy theories.

00:34:00.520 People were saying that he worked for the city.

00:34:01.960 I remember somewhere outside of Akron.

00:34:03.360 There was all kind of wild stuff.

00:34:04.580 But did you, did you check with him?

00:34:06.340 Did you do any other recon to make sure that you were, like, did you have any question?

00:34:10.920 Yeah.

00:34:11.240 I mean, I just wanted to make sure that he's a good kid and that, you know, he's a kid.

00:34:16.380 But I got to FaceTime with him and FaceTime with both him and his mom.

00:34:22.200 And that's back when the fundraiser was at $20,000.

00:34:25.660 And it really hadn't picked up yet.

00:34:29.160 News organizations weren't really talking about it.

00:34:32.860 So I was FaceTiming with him.

00:34:35.020 He seems like a fun, normal kid.

00:34:37.800 And then once it started going above, like, $50,000, $75,000, I started reaching out to a bunch of different people that run charities and do these kind of things all the time.

00:34:53.000 GoFundMe is an incredible website because once a fundraiser hits a certain point, they assign a team to that fundraiser.

00:35:03.600 So I had a team from GoFundMe and Constant Communication, and they vetted everything.

00:35:10.920 They looked into everything.

00:35:12.960 They did amazing work.

00:35:14.940 And where does the money go?

00:35:16.900 Well, and we posted an update on the page.

00:35:22.400 So Caden and his family actually released a statement that said that they are turning down the trip to Disneyland, and they want all the money to just go to charity.

00:35:32.760 Wow. 0.95

00:35:34.060 So he's ridiculous. 1.00

00:35:36.860 Are you going to pick the charity? 1.00

00:35:37.980 Does he pick the charity?

00:35:38.880 How does it work?

00:35:39.540 I did another FaceTime call with him and his mom, and we kind of went through all the charities that we wanted to go through.

00:35:48.820 Because if you look at the original wording on my GoFundMe, I said any excess money would be donated to charity.

00:35:55.560 So we picked some great charities, and they're actually posted right now on the GoFundMe page.

00:36:01.480 We picked six different charities, some charities, Stomp Out Bullying, Born This Way.

00:36:11.740 Those are two charities in the United States.

00:36:14.700 There's four charities in Australia.

00:36:18.320 We're giving about $66,000 to each of those charities, and then whatever money is left over, I decided to give it to Caden and his family and said,

00:36:29.520 you guys can spend that money however you want.

00:36:32.400 I know you're turning down money, but many people donated to this fund with the thought of their money going directly to the family.

00:36:39.080 So I thought, let's honor that.

00:36:41.060 And is it $400,000 U.S. or Australian?

00:36:44.240 What's the currency?

00:36:44.960 Yeah, it's $460,000 U.S., which is a little over $700,000 Australian. 0.99

00:36:51.920 Yo, they could buy one of those fucking, they could buy the aborigine people with that, right? 1.00

00:36:57.300 Not all of them. 1.00

00:36:58.200 You could buy probably a couple.

00:36:59.140 A couple of them, yeah.

00:37:01.560 Oh, thank you.

00:37:02.640 And this is a good time to add that some of the charities are anti-racism charities that stand up for the rights of the aborigine people.

00:37:10.540 Absolutely, as do I.

00:37:12.360 I haven't met an aborigine person.

00:37:14.060 Have you?

00:37:14.280 Have you?

00:37:15.460 Yes, I have.

00:37:16.500 I would love to meet one.

00:37:18.600 I know, because I don't think I have any aborigine fans, but I'm looking for that.

00:37:22.660 That's one of the things I'm trying to get from my podcast.

00:37:25.340 There you go.

00:37:26.160 You got to get some.

00:37:26.940 That's fantastic for you.

00:37:27.880 And I, Brad, too, because I'm just a victim of the internet as well.

00:37:33.080 It's like all these pictures are like, oh, he's 19 years old.

00:37:36.640 He's with strippers. 1.00

00:37:37.340 He's got guns.

00:37:38.660 I mean, how do they do all that?

00:37:40.220 Like, what is it?

00:37:42.180 Listen.

00:37:42.580 Photoshop?

00:37:43.780 The internet is an amazing place, both good and bad.

00:37:48.840 I mean, there were people that were spreading rumors that like, oh, like there was some, like I looked at a lot of this stuff because I wanted to make sure that the money was going to a good spot.

00:38:02.000 There was one person who had a Facebook talk show that said like that Caden was like this nine-year-old running around the school like sexually assaulting girls.

00:38:14.900 And they said that their proof was that they read one Facebook comment and they posted the Facebook comment and it said, oh, a friend of mine, his kid goes to the same school and knows some girls.

00:38:30.720 This happened.

00:38:31.420 I'm like, really?

00:38:31.960 You're going through all this off a Facebook comment?

00:38:34.560 Yeah. 0.99

00:38:35.020 That's ridiculous, man. 1.00

00:38:36.300 Ridiculous. 0.99

00:38:36.420 Yeah. 0.99

00:38:37.020 People were going nuts.

00:38:38.500 Is there, I mean, yeah, there's all kind of stuff.

00:38:40.120 So many people said he opened up for Gucci Mane. 0.99

00:38:42.040 There was all kind of shit. 1.00

00:38:43.140 I mean, well, that is the problem is when UTA signs him and he starts taking dates away from everybody, we're going to be like, fuck you, Brad. 1.00

00:38:50.380 That's a great point, man. 0.99

00:38:52.440 You know, they signed Bagel Boy.

00:38:54.180 Bagel Boss. 0.80

00:38:55.260 Yeah.

00:38:55.540 They had this kid named Lightning Rod.

00:38:58.780 I don't want to say Lightning Rod.

00:39:00.480 Lightning Rodney, maybe, when I was growing up.

00:39:02.460 Some guy that got hit by Lightning and they tried to tour him around locally.

00:39:05.320 Really?

00:39:05.900 Yeah.

00:39:06.100 He was probably moving major tickets.

00:39:08.060 Oh, he wasn't doing anything.

00:39:09.020 Maybe 40 tickets.

00:39:10.180 Nah.

00:39:10.920 Kaden will sell out.

00:39:12.040 Now, what about this, Brad?

00:39:12.940 Are there higher costs associated with being like a little person growing up?

00:39:17.260 Like, are there costs that, are there extra costs?

00:39:20.940 Yeah.

00:39:21.180 Well, like, just in terms of, I mean, at your most basic cost, most clothes that I would like to buy don't fit me.

00:39:31.040 So, you got to get stuff that's tailored unless you just want to be walking around with, like, a shirt that has Bob the Builder on it.

00:39:40.200 But I doubt you want that.

00:39:42.280 So, yeah, you have extra tailoring.

00:39:44.920 And then, plus, a lot of little people have medical problems, whether it be neck or leg surgeries.

00:39:53.440 I've had one dwarf-related surgery on my legs.

00:39:56.800 So, yeah, they can get problems that way as well.

00:40:01.160 So, that's why I wanted to give the family a little bit of money just because if those kind of things are coming up with Kaden, I want to make sure that they're taken care of.

00:40:09.920 And that's what the people who gave money to the campaign wanted as well.

00:40:14.040 Yeah, that's dope.

00:40:15.000 Yeah.

00:40:16.000 Yeah.

00:40:16.300 That's dope. 0.93

00:40:16.880 And it's really great.

00:40:18.960 And people stepped up, and we ended up donating a ton of money to charity that's going to anti-bullying, anti-abuse, anti-racism charities.

00:40:28.480 So, a lot of people are going to be helped in a very positive way because of this.

00:40:33.560 Yeah.

00:40:33.700 I could not be more thankful.

00:40:34.920 Yeah, man.

00:40:35.420 And I know, you know, because I'm a dad.

00:40:37.580 I know you're a new dad.

00:40:38.560 Congrats.

00:40:38.860 It's like when I see stuff like that, and I'm sure it's the same with you, it's like you can't help but think, like, what if that was my child being abused that way?

00:40:46.280 Like, you know, so it's great that you made an effort and did it because there's times when I see videos like that, and I'm like, I can't.

00:40:53.720 What if that was my daughter, and then I have a chance to donate, and I just watch Pornhub or do something different.

00:40:58.900 But you actually went out there and made a difference, which is why you're happily married, and I'm, you know, single living with Don DePetto on his couch.

00:41:06.780 There's still time.

00:41:07.760 I still, yeah, that's why I got visitation rights, but you, you know, but you have a full, happy family.

00:41:13.260 There's still time.

00:41:14.720 Brad, thanks so much, man.

00:41:16.620 And, yeah, at least Chris will be warmed up for your podcast later this week, man.

00:41:20.560 Hey, sounds great.

00:41:22.000 Thank you, guys.

00:41:22.800 Gang, gang, everybody.

00:41:23.940 Before he hangs up, can you hear me?

00:41:25.300 Yeah.

00:41:25.800 What's the quickest way to get to your GoFundMe?

00:41:28.780 Because when you just search on GoFundMe, we can't find it.

00:41:31.040 So how can we get to the actual GoFundMe?

00:41:34.440 Oh, if you guys still want to donate to the GoFundMe,

00:41:37.760 because it is still open, you can, probably the quickest way is just to go to my Twitter,

00:41:43.480 and then scroll down the tweets, and you'll find links.

00:41:47.480 I'm on Twitter, at FunnyBrad.

00:41:49.780 And if not, I'm sure you can just Google GoFundMe for Bullied Australian Boy,

00:41:57.620 and something's going to pop up.

00:41:59.960 There will be news articles.

00:42:01.220 There will be links.

00:42:02.840 You can definitely find it.

00:42:03.500 And there will be $460,000 in there already.

00:42:06.660 Woo! 0.99

00:42:07.900 Yeah.

00:42:08.600 Oh, man.

00:42:09.360 And I had so many friends that were like,

00:42:12.200 it really makes you realize who your friends are,

00:42:14.820 because I had so many friends that were like,

00:42:17.280 sending me messages like,

00:42:19.640 dude, embezzle it. 1.00

00:42:21.360 Take it.

00:42:22.200 Go to Sweden.

00:42:23.260 And I'm like, no.

00:42:24.000 Go to Sweden? 1.00

00:42:25.300 What the fuck? 1.00

00:42:26.420 What if you disguised yourself as Quaden and went to Disneyland? 1.00

00:42:31.760 Oh, shave, get a tan.

00:42:34.980 Oh, yeah.

00:42:35.800 Oh, yeah.

00:42:36.560 It could happen, man.

00:42:37.860 Dude.

00:42:38.720 Dude, thanks so much.

00:42:39.740 It's such a cool story to hear, man.

00:42:41.940 And, yeah, just thanks for jumping on the line with us and sharing that.

00:42:45.800 No problem.

00:42:46.640 Love you guys.

00:42:47.520 Love the podcast.

00:42:48.700 See you on Thursday, Chris.

00:42:49.940 See you Thursday, Brad.

00:42:50.920 Thank you.

00:42:51.340 I love you, man.

00:42:51.520 Peace.

00:42:52.820 It's that time.

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00:44:37.820 And now back to Chris.

00:44:39.940 What a great guy.

00:44:41.020 Yeah, and about last night, that's their podcast, right?

00:44:43.440 Yeah.

00:44:43.940 Well, actually, that's just Adam Ray now.

00:44:46.440 Brad's not on anymore.

00:44:47.580 Oh, right on.

00:44:48.100 He's not in the pod.

00:44:48.980 Yeah, Brad's going to get rewarded in the afterlife for that.

00:44:52.740 Because I don't know like there's certain rules and regulations

00:44:55.280 with little people in the afterlife.

00:44:56.700 They have to do certain tasks.

00:44:57.960 Absolutely.

00:44:58.320 They have to do certain tasks to get into.

00:44:59.920 No, that's that movie you're talking about, I think.

00:45:02.000 I thought that was reality.

00:45:03.200 Oh, that's right.

00:45:04.000 That's right.

00:45:04.920 Yeah.

00:45:05.460 Because I wasn't sure.

00:45:07.440 And I wanted to ask Brad, but I kind of chickened out,

00:45:09.860 is because the thing is, like, they all kind of look alike to me.

00:45:13.080 Little people? 0.61

00:45:13.720 So I was kind of wanting to be like Brad.

00:45:15.700 Like, you know, Brad looks different.

00:45:17.020 He's, you know, famous and doing well.

00:45:18.540 But like all the other ones, like all these little pictures,

00:45:20.380 like, I don't know.

00:45:21.420 It's all the same to me.

00:45:22.860 Well, dude, I saw.

00:45:23.420 I respect them all, but I just, you know what I mean?

00:45:25.260 You don't respect them all.

00:45:25.840 I do.

00:45:26.680 I respect them all.

00:45:27.800 I keep my distance safely, and I respect them all.

00:45:30.460 Wow.

00:45:30.780 I'll tell you this.

00:45:31.880 I saw two cats attack a little person in Hermosa Beach.

00:45:36.780 And this is about seven years ago, or probably about 11 years ago now.

00:45:39.480 I saw two cats attack a little person in Hermosa, dude.

00:45:42.240 And it was insane, bro.

00:45:43.500 It was like Rome.

00:45:44.460 It was like watching ancient Rome go down.

00:45:45.800 Really?

00:45:46.260 Yeah.

00:45:46.840 I kissed a little woman on the lips. 1.00

00:45:50.300 Yeah.

00:45:50.620 Like a couple of years ago, made out after a show.

00:45:52.820 Beautiful, beautiful spirit, beautiful soul.

00:45:55.000 And was that in where, Baltimore?

00:45:57.000 That was not in Baltimore.

00:45:58.220 That was actually outside Bananas Comedy Club.

00:46:00.520 Oh, over there in Hasbro Heights?

00:46:01.860 Yep.

00:46:02.160 I made out with a little girl.

00:46:03.680 Not a little girl.

00:46:05.300 What an ironic name.

00:46:06.640 A little woman.

00:46:07.920 I made out with a little person who was a legally aged woman in her 20s. 1.00

00:46:11.960 Damn. 0.99

00:46:12.560 What an ironic name for the city, Hasbro Heights. 1.00

00:46:15.180 Yeah.

00:46:15.480 There you go.

00:46:16.280 Nikki Bangs.

00:46:20.040 Bang.

00:46:20.780 Hitting them hard.

00:46:22.020 Yo, dude, Brad was talking about Disney World, too.

00:46:24.020 I just came from, or Disneyland, which I think is a great thing that he's doing.

00:46:28.380 Disney World.

00:46:29.160 I just took my daughter to Disney World in Orlando.

00:46:31.660 Oh, wow.

00:46:32.260 Me, my mother, and my daughter.

00:46:34.120 And now, has this been a lifelong dream or something?

00:46:35.920 Has this been like one of those things?

00:46:37.420 Have you taken your kid before?

00:46:38.760 I wanted to take my daughter for Christmas time.

00:46:41.600 Delilah.

00:46:41.620 Is that her name?

00:46:42.080 Delilah.

00:46:42.620 She's on the wall.

00:46:43.500 I wanted to take my daughter, Delilah, to Germany for Christmas this year.

00:46:50.060 Yeah.

00:46:50.300 I wanted to go all up.

00:46:50.820 And that's about as Christmas as you can get.

00:46:52.420 Let's go to Germany.

00:46:53.280 I wanted to show her where Christmas started and where the white race started. 0.99

00:46:59.340 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:46:59.620 I wanted to show her where the humble beginnings of the right.

00:47:04.460 No.

00:47:05.620 I'm kidding. 0.99

00:47:06.540 But I'm just fucking around. 0.99

00:47:08.220 You got to know I'm just fucking around. 1.00

00:47:09.380 Dude, I know you're fucking around, bro. 0.99

00:47:10.240 No, but the dwarf jokes, I'm just kidding around. 1.00

00:47:12.380 I said I wanted to buy Aborigine people, and it's like they're slaves over there. 1.00

00:47:15.760 Fucking, I'm being an idiot. 1.00

00:47:17.160 But don't cut it. 1.00

00:47:17.600 Bro, I said you could buy a few.

00:47:18.840 I know.

00:47:19.220 I said I could buy the race. 0.65

00:47:20.380 Yeah, that's crazy.

00:47:21.120 That's a discount, man, on GoFundMe.

00:47:22.600 And also, it's like, you know, all those surgeries doesn't have universal health care?

00:47:27.220 Yeah.

00:47:28.240 What are you going to do?

00:47:28.980 For where?

00:47:29.320 In Australia?

00:47:29.860 Yeah, for the leg surgeries that he'll need.

00:47:31.880 Well, they could.

00:47:32.740 I just don't.

00:47:33.480 I don't know if they do or not.

00:47:34.660 They have universal health care in Australia.

00:47:35.000 I'm just kidding around.

00:47:35.860 They do have.

00:47:36.380 Yeah, but I'm just kidding.

00:47:37.200 I just hope people know I'm just joking around.

00:47:38.700 Yeah.

00:47:38.880 Because you feel like you have to be.

00:47:40.220 You have to say that now on these podcasts.

00:47:41.520 Am I not helping you with my vibes?

00:47:43.000 My vibes are too serious?

00:47:43.320 Yeah, because sometimes I'll say something.

00:47:44.520 You'll just look at the end.

00:47:45.220 You'll just start curling the bottom of your mullet with your finger. 1.00

00:47:49.900 I'll just see your fucking hair. 1.00

00:47:51.980 That's a sign for help. 1.00

00:47:52.920 Yeah, you'll just be like, yo.

00:47:54.260 I'm sorry.

00:47:54.920 I'm like, you're just looking at me.

00:47:56.240 You'll unbutton a button. 0.99

00:47:57.120 Nikki Bangs will fucking, you know, Don's texting women. 1.00

00:48:02.500 Don's in a full sex hall. 1.00

00:48:06.960 Have you ever been texting somebody about sex and you're having a business conversation 0.78

00:48:11.460 or something with somebody else at the same time?

00:48:13.600 Yeah, well, today on the plane, I fell asleep.

00:48:16.620 I was flying Jet Blurdy and I fell asleep and my phone was open and my Snapchat was open.

00:48:20.540 Some girl sent her titties on Snapchat while the flight attendant, I was just having my 1.00

00:48:23.800 eyes closed and the flight attendant gave me my breakfast. 0.94

00:48:26.360 But yeah, those titties were open on my tray. 1.00

00:48:29.880 Dude, I had a woman on a plane once wake me up from being asleep and tell me my penis was 1.00

00:48:34.380 erect, bro. 1.00

00:48:35.360 No.

00:48:35.560 And that it was bothering her.

00:48:36.900 Yeah.

00:48:37.000 Really?

00:48:37.560 What'd you do?

00:48:38.260 Yeah.

00:48:38.520 She said, your body, sir, your body. 0.99

00:48:40.160 Didn't you used to go and manipulate women's vaginas, though, for health reasons? 1.00

00:48:44.640 Wasn't that used to be an old job? 0.98

00:48:45.900 We used to talk about it on Opie.

00:48:47.140 Yep.

00:48:47.360 We used to do orgasmic meditation.

00:48:48.800 Right. 1.00

00:48:49.100 You still fuck with that or no? 1.00

00:48:50.160 I don't. 1.00

00:48:50.700 I've been, there's been people trying to get me back into it, but I think they're just

00:48:53.980 kind of looking for, you know, I don't know.

00:48:57.420 I just, it's too much time.

00:48:58.660 It's just, I don't have the time right now.

00:49:00.060 Right.

00:49:00.860 Dude, I went to Disney, went to Disney World, right?

00:49:03.100 And they were priding themselves because, like I said, I want to take her to Germany.

00:49:06.720 I want to take my daughter to Germany.

00:49:07.860 And I said to my mom.

00:49:09.080 And she's Latina, isn't it? 0.82

00:49:10.100 She's Latina. 0.99

00:49:10.960 She's Puerto Rican. 0.99

00:49:11.780 Puerto Rican.

00:49:12.500 She's half Puerto Rican, half, you know, German, Irish, Italian, just white. 0.99

00:49:16.800 Yeah.

00:49:17.300 Clockmaker.

00:49:17.720 She's white.

00:49:18.440 Yeah. 1.00

00:49:18.600 She's just fucking clockmaker. 1.00

00:49:20.400 Just white, European. 1.00

00:49:22.120 And then Puerto Rican.

00:49:23.100 I've seen the nutcracker, dude.

00:49:24.180 Yeah.

00:49:24.440 Yeah.

00:49:24.600 So that's just me.

00:49:25.360 West Side Story.

00:49:26.000 It's just me.

00:49:26.420 So I tell her, I tell my mom, I'm like, hey, do you want to come with us to Germany?

00:49:33.600 I want to take my daughter to Germany.

00:49:35.400 And you could come through.

00:49:36.420 I'll buy you a plane ticket.

00:49:37.320 You know, you could babysit or whatever when I go out and get these German guys, you know, 1.00

00:49:40.160 brothels or whatever at late night.

00:49:42.200 And my mom goes, no, we're not going to go to Germany.

00:49:45.580 Let's go to Disney World.

00:49:47.280 And if you want to go to Germany, we could just go to Epcot and go to the German country

00:49:50.380 and we can have some beers because she's four years old. 1.00

00:49:52.580 Why are you taking her to Germany?

00:49:53.800 I'm like, this is my idea.

00:49:55.660 I just want to show her Christmas.

00:49:56.900 She's like, she's too young.

00:49:57.980 She's not going to have a good time.

00:49:59.280 So my mother convinced me to go to Disney.

00:50:00.720 So we go to Disney.

00:50:01.640 Here's the thing.

00:50:02.340 So first of all, the trip starts off.

00:50:04.180 Disney World starts off poorly because I had, I just come off great running shows at

00:50:10.500 Gotham Comedy Club.

00:50:11.620 Beautiful.

00:50:12.140 New York City.

00:50:12.720 Great.

00:50:12.980 My hometown.

00:50:13.760 Chris Mazzilli, a legend over there.

00:50:15.260 Chris Mazzilli, legend.

00:50:16.400 Great shows.

00:50:17.580 And every time I pee, it's burning.

00:50:19.580 It's burning.

00:50:20.280 I got a little sting. 1.00

00:50:21.400 So I'm like, ah, fuck. 1.00

00:50:22.300 You've been having sex with random women? 1.00

00:50:23.940 I've been having unprotected sex. 0.99

00:50:24.920 So I'm just like, for months before that, you know, I probably had unprotected sex with 0.63

00:50:28.860 about 40 plus women.

00:50:30.060 Wow.

00:50:30.480 Yeah.

00:50:30.800 Yeah.

00:50:31.420 So they don't call me Chrissy Drip Drop for nothing.

00:50:35.700 So I've since improved, but, you know.

00:50:38.460 Amen, bro.

00:50:38.920 No, I like you out there and you ain't afraid to get, you know, just to be a human.

00:50:42.180 Chrissy Drip Drop, baby.

00:50:43.240 Taking chances, bro.

00:50:44.240 Yeah.

00:50:44.500 So anyway, so the trip is going good.

00:50:48.460 First of all, you know, you're in about $10,000 to have, you know, your mother and your daughter

00:50:53.560 go.

00:50:54.380 You're in about, it's about 10 Gs.

00:50:56.320 So first day we get there, we go to the Magic Kingdom and you get there and all they do is

00:51:01.920 pride themselves.

00:51:02.620 All Disney World does is pride themselves on how friendly they are to the nature economy.

00:51:10.720 How do you say that?

00:51:11.460 How they're, what, they're eco-friendly.

00:51:14.300 They're eco-friendly.

00:51:15.440 So they're saying, they use paper straws.

00:51:17.300 All we do is use paper straws.

00:51:18.780 You love us.

00:51:19.380 Paper straws.

00:51:20.020 Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.

00:51:20.840 Then I take my daughter to get her hair done at the Bippity Boppity Boutique, which is the

00:51:25.360 boutique in the Magic Kingdom. 0.99

00:51:26.960 $600 fucking dollars. 1.00

00:51:28.220 No way. 0.99

00:51:28.600 To get her hair done, an extra 50- 0.98

00:51:30.540 What'd you get it done into, dude?

00:51:31.760 A hot air balloon?

00:51:32.740 That's insane.

00:51:33.680 I got it done into Nick's bangs.

00:51:35.640 It has about $600.

00:51:38.780 $600?

00:51:39.800 $600 to get her done with the prince.

00:51:41.820 She got a Cinderella dress.

00:51:43.140 She got her hair done by Cinderella.

00:51:45.080 Wow.

00:51:45.340 So it's a whole experience.

00:51:46.260 And then an extra 50 bucks for tea. 0.99

00:51:48.320 I saw them making the tea out of fucking Keurig in the back. 1.00

00:51:52.020 So bullshit. 1.00

00:51:52.800 So it's like, okay, paper straws. 1.00

00:51:55.240 You're using paper straws. 1.00

00:51:56.180 You'll save the turtles, but you'll rape the fucking parents, right? 1.00

00:52:00.100 So all fucked up. 1.00

00:52:01.180 So I was pissed off because my mother had my credit card because I was on my phone a lot, 0.99

00:52:05.200 responding to emails, sexting. 0.98

00:52:07.060 I was in a full sex hole and work hole while my daughter and mother are experiencing these 0.97

00:52:11.460 beautiful things at Disneyland. 0.99

00:52:13.280 It's the story of your life.

00:52:14.480 I'm just fully out of my mind, right?

00:52:16.360 Oh, yeah.

00:52:16.880 Yeah. 1.00

00:52:17.140 So I'm being an idiot. 1.00

00:52:18.980 So my mother's like, listen, we'll meet you back here in two hours. 1.00

00:52:21.920 Give me your credit card. 0.97

00:52:22.700 And then I see my Amex just getting fucking hit up. 0.99

00:52:25.840 Bippity bop. 0.98

00:52:26.300 What are they doing?

00:52:27.040 Six hundo.

00:52:27.720 Getting taffy and stuff? 0.87

00:52:28.880 Caricature.

00:52:29.400 Yeah.

00:52:29.680 My mom got shirts.

00:52:32.120 You know.

00:52:32.660 That wild Western drawing where they get this fake gun?

00:52:35.480 Yo, I was gone for two hours.

00:52:36.560 She hit my corner for $2,300. 1.00

00:52:38.680 Kiz Ash.

00:52:39.700 Psh, psh, psh.

00:52:41.020 Yeah. 1.00

00:52:41.780 And I just was like, fuck. 1.00

00:52:43.300 So then I'm like, because then I got stressed out. 1.00

00:52:44.860 And when you get stressed out and you have chlamydia on deck, when you have STD brewing,

00:52:47.980 when you get stressed out, it really starts to flow. 0.99

00:52:50.840 So I was like, shit, I know I have it. 0.99

00:52:52.240 So I called my boy, who's an ER doctor, and I explained to him the signs and symptoms. 1.00

00:52:56.060 He was like, fuck, dude. 0.99

00:52:57.040 Hey, drop off a bag of salt over here. 1.00

00:52:58.480 Yo, yo, yo. 0.99

00:52:59.320 He was like, that's a haunted castle.

00:53:00.900 He was like, that's an STD, man.

00:53:02.160 How quick can you get back to New York?

00:53:03.860 I said, this is day one of my Disney trip.

00:53:05.800 We're at the Magic Kingdom.

00:53:07.020 He goes, all right, send me your location.

00:53:08.760 So I sent him the location.

00:53:10.320 He gets a pharmacy, like whatever, 10 miles away, but in Orlando still, still kind of like

00:53:15.180 on the outskirts of Disney.

00:53:16.760 Like a, oh, not in Disney.

00:53:18.260 No, no.

00:53:18.580 But like on the, not on the Disney property, but like where Disney, people who work for

00:53:23.040 Disney, like their local CVS.

00:53:24.920 Okay. 0.99

00:53:25.280 So he goes out there, calls in the STD fucking medication for me. 0.99

00:53:28.520 So I go there. 0.99

00:53:29.240 It's waiting.

00:53:29.760 Everyone's got little kids, you know, sore throat medicine, people buying binkies. 1.00

00:53:33.480 Everyone's got little Kim's too over there. 1.00

00:53:35.240 I don't know if you've been there.

00:53:36.080 And I'm over there and I go, I go over there and I pick up STD medication.

00:53:40.900 I had a goofy shirt on.

00:53:42.320 I swear, I had a goofy shirt on and an I love Disney hat on and I forgot that I, because

00:53:46.360 I was dressed, you know, my, my daughter was like, you got to dress, wear your Disney 1.00

00:53:49.700 shit. 0.99

00:53:50.180 So I picked up STD med, I took them, my daughter and mother back to the hotel. 0.99

00:53:54.460 I said, Hey, listen, I'm just going to go for a jog.

00:53:56.300 And I got in an Uber and I went and picked up those STD meds with my goofy shirt on and

00:54:01.200 I popped those.

00:54:02.140 And then I started to feel better, started to feel a little bit better.

00:54:05.060 And now I'm proud to say that I've been Chrissy condoms.

00:54:07.280 I was Chrissy celibacy for a month after that.

00:54:09.760 And now I've been exclusively Chrissy condoms.

00:54:11.900 But even now that I've been wearing condoms exclusively, still sometimes when I pee, it

00:54:15.740 burns a little.

00:54:16.340 I'm like, do I, did I get one bat?

00:54:17.720 Did one sneak through the condom?

00:54:19.000 Or do you think that that's just me being hyperactive and anxious?

00:54:22.740 If I'm using the condoms, you wouldn't worry about the STD.

00:54:25.100 What do you say? 0.99

00:54:26.480 I think you could have muscle memory probably in your penis or something that, and it has 0.99

00:54:30.220 that recall a little bit of having the symptom. 0.99

00:54:33.640 Have you ever got sniped?

00:54:34.520 Have you ever got burnt with an STD?

00:54:35.860 Yep.

00:54:36.060 I got something one time.

00:54:37.220 I was living with a guy, this guy named Ken actually, who had a couple cats, dude.

00:54:40.640 And he used to get stoned and make them do tricks in the living room and stuff, jump in

00:54:43.940 these boxes.

00:54:44.800 Yeah.

00:54:45.000 And when I was leaving, when I was moving out, he said, hey, people are going to come

00:54:51.360 and look at the place, you know?

00:54:53.520 Okay.

00:54:54.260 And so some lady came by and checked it out, and she was attractive, and so I started hitting

00:54:58.280 on her.

00:54:58.720 Right.

00:54:59.460 And then that night, she and I went out.

00:55:04.460 Right.

00:55:04.680 And he just said to me, he's like, dude, do not hook up with this young lady who is potentially 1.00

00:55:10.160 going to live here.

00:55:11.240 Right.

00:55:11.400 Like, I need somebody to live here.

00:55:12.900 Right.

00:55:13.160 I was like, I will not do that.

00:55:14.520 Right.

00:55:15.640 And then I hooked up with her that night in the room right next to his room. 0.57

00:55:19.380 And you went raw daddy. 0.76

00:55:20.800 I don't believe I had any condoms at the time.

00:55:24.400 And-

00:55:25.400 What'd you catch?

00:55:26.340 The clap?

00:55:26.880 Gonorrhea?

00:55:27.380 No, she caught something from me.

00:55:29.340 But she told me.

00:55:30.740 She said, hey, you have something.

00:55:32.880 And I don't know if I did have something, because I didn't have something before.

00:55:35.560 I think she was lying.

00:55:36.420 But then one of us had something, and you had to go get rid of it.

00:55:39.800 Yeah, I got chlamydia.

00:55:40.700 But it was good, though.

00:55:41.480 But you never had any symptoms of the chlamydia.

00:55:43.500 It wasn't bad, no.

00:55:44.400 But you just go get something, and you get rid of it.

00:55:46.160 And that's the only scare that I ever had.

00:55:47.340 Right. 1.00

00:55:47.420 It's kind of like a sore throat, but for your dick. 1.00

00:55:50.240 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:55:50.560 In a way. 1.00

00:55:51.160 It's like your dick is almost going through a tough time after a war or something, it 1.00

00:55:54.420 feels like. 1.00

00:55:54.740 Yeah.

00:55:55.120 It's a little beat up. 1.00

00:55:56.020 It's like your dick, yes, just on the injured reserve list. 0.99

00:55:58.400 But it's going to make a full comeback. 1.00

00:56:00.200 Yeah, yeah.

00:56:00.780 It's almost exciting, a little.

00:56:02.220 It's like a little bit of a badge of, you know, I hear from older men, it used to be a badge

00:56:05.720 of honor back in the day.

00:56:06.840 But how do you combat?

00:56:07.740 Oh, Dante has chlamydia, you know?

00:56:09.100 How do you combat being single?

00:56:10.480 Let's get him a champagne.

00:56:11.200 You know, let's do a champagne. 0.99

00:56:12.060 And getting all the attention that you do from females, how do you not fall into a sex addict 0.99

00:56:17.540 hole? 0.99

00:56:17.820 Do you just not respond to people?

00:56:19.460 Because sometimes I text you and you don't text back.

00:56:21.640 And I want to know if there's ladies out there that feel that way as well. 1.00

00:56:24.500 Oh, I don't know, man.

00:56:25.480 I mean, I think, how do I not?

00:56:28.940 I mean, I'll do some flirting here and there, you know?

00:56:31.580 But you don't respond to all these ladies on the DM. 0.94

00:56:33.900 No.

00:56:34.340 Because I'm constantly responding.

00:56:35.700 And I've made a very recent effort.

00:56:38.360 Like, the last 72 hours, I actually posted a video on my stories.

00:56:42.020 And I said, hey, I know I give you guys a lot of energy.

00:56:44.860 I love you.

00:56:45.340 Thank you so much for your support.

00:56:46.360 But if I leave you on scene or if I just double tap your message, don't take it disrespectfully.

00:56:50.360 I just, I got to take care of me first.

00:56:52.680 Because I was fully too much invested in that phone and in those DMs. 0.64

00:56:57.320 And there was a point where I was having sex, no condoms. 0.90

00:56:59.820 And then even having sex with the condoms. 0.50

00:57:01.420 I'm like, even though you're protecting yourself, which is good, you're still, the act is still,

00:57:05.360 you're still delving into all this energy and all this fuel.

00:57:08.580 Oh, yeah.

00:57:08.760 It's a ton of extra energy.

00:57:10.200 I haven't recently, haven't really had as much energy to really just be out milling around, you know? 0.97

00:57:14.540 You jerking off a lot? 0.99

00:57:15.740 Trying not to jerk off that much. 1.00

00:57:17.180 I did masturbate yesterday. 0.99

00:57:18.360 I didn't want to. 0.99

00:57:19.360 So that was really a kind of a wild event. 0.96

00:57:21.880 But do you watch porn? 0.90

00:57:24.600 No, try not to watch porn. 0.99

00:57:25.940 I don't jerk it like this either. 0.99

00:57:27.380 I don't know. 1.00

00:57:27.820 I lay my penis on my stomach and I put my hands like this and I rub the base of my penis and I come into my belly button. 1.00

00:57:33.640 Oh, wow. 1.00

00:57:35.040 Yeah, that's always the way I've masturbated. 0.99

00:57:36.640 It sounds so French, I feel like. 0.99

00:57:38.140 It's always the way I masturbate, man. 1.00

00:57:39.420 I make like a little pussy, a pussy with my thumbs and I rub the base. 1.00

00:57:43.640 Hit it, Nick. 1.00

00:57:45.500 Nick doesn't make you say you're rapping, but.

00:57:48.600 Yeah, and I blow it alone into my belly button.

00:57:50.660 Really?

00:57:50.980 Yeah, and I used to let it glaze over too and just my shirts or shorts were always stuck to my belly button.

00:57:55.360 I used to rip it off when I was a kid and I would always have a cut in my belly button.

00:57:58.640 People thought I used to have my belly button pierced, but it wasn't. 0.84

00:58:00.560 It was from the cum dried up on my stomach that would rip off. 0.96

00:58:03.160 Oh, praise God, brother. 0.98

00:58:04.200 Are we doing all right on this podcast?

00:58:06.540 Is this all right?

00:58:07.120 I think we're good.

00:58:08.020 All right.

00:58:08.420 This is fantastic. 0.99

00:58:09.380 I know that if I ejaculate, I will use it now. 0.97

00:58:12.560 When I was young, I wouldn't do anything with it. 0.97

00:58:14.360 I would deposit it or ejaculate into like a bowl or into a toilet or something.

00:58:21.040 But now I will actually use some of it on my body as like a, you know, legitimately as an ointment or a save. 0.98

00:58:27.340 I've never been in a voluntary gay sex act, but when I was a kid, I was like the runt of my friend group.

00:58:33.600 I was like 10 and my friends were 13, 14.

00:58:35.840 I could see that. 0.99

00:58:36.520 And the McKenzie brothers, one time I was taking a shit. 1.00

00:58:39.020 Were they redheaded? 1.00

00:58:40.500 No, but they were twins and they had shaved heads. 0.97

00:58:42.640 They were crazy Irish kids from Queens. 1.00

00:58:44.560 One of them sat on my legs when I was taking a shit and the other one jumped on my mom's sink and skull fucked me. 1.00

00:58:48.880 Two pumps and my head hit off the back. 0.99

00:58:51.220 The back ceramic tile and knocked down one of my mom's ceramic tiles. 1.00

00:58:55.720 And I told her I was horsing around playing ball, but really I got skull fucked by one of these dudes. 0.98

00:59:00.760 And I remember tasting a little bit of his pre-com. 0.99

00:59:02.700 Yeah, it was weird, man.

00:59:04.400 I took one right off the uvula and I didn't like it.

00:59:10.000 No, the problem is I didn't like it.

00:59:11.500 I did not like it, but I also didn't hate it.

00:59:13.780 So that's why I'll say I can confidently tell you that I'm 100% sure I am not gay, but I'm also 100% sure I'm not straight. 0.68

00:59:22.780 So you tell me what that means.

00:59:24.620 Well, I think there's a thing called element of surprise gay, where somebody surprises you with a gay act. 0.95

00:59:30.060 Like a Pearl Harbor gay. 0.99

00:59:30.960 Yeah, like Pearl Harbor, but yeah, suddenly you're just resting and then a bunch of wieners fall on your house. 0.99

00:59:35.860 A sneak attack gay. 1.00

00:59:36.760 Yeah, like that kind of thing is like. 0.87

00:59:38.560 Because there's been times where you knew when I had been walking, you know, when we'd been in New York, when we were very close.

00:59:42.480 So I was definitely falling in love with the conversations we were having.

00:59:45.720 I was about to hold your hand or something like that.

00:59:47.520 Really?

00:59:48.020 Yes.

00:59:49.180 I remember there was one time you were wearing pinstripe pants, like locomotive pants.

00:59:53.500 Yeah, I used to love those pants and I bought them very cheap.

00:59:55.820 Yeah, man, those locomotive pants.

00:59:57.280 I remember, yeah.

00:59:58.120 All aboard, baby. 1.00

00:59:58.960 Yeah, all aboard, you know, because you kind of have a little bit of a fucking cake ass. 1.00

01:00:02.720 I got that keister, bro. 1.00

01:00:03.780 You do got a keister.

01:00:04.720 I got that German keister. 0.80

01:00:06.240 Here's a white guy right here from Lord of the Rings. 0.50

01:00:08.340 Let's see what he has.

01:00:09.200 Literally, does Chris know there's literally a 2% chance that you'll die if you get the coronavirus too?

01:00:27.420 It's just the flu.

01:00:30.280 Gang, gang.

01:00:31.260 Gang, bro.

01:00:32.260 I didn't say anything about the coronavirus though.

01:00:34.020 We used, to solicit questions for you, the video of you having Anxiety Tuesday.

01:00:39.260 Right.

01:00:39.940 So, I think he thinks you're going a little...

01:00:42.220 Well, the whole thing about Anxiety Tuesday, you know, hopefully get some new fans come over to me.

01:00:46.640 The Anxiety Tuesday, I never do it on a Tuesday.

01:00:49.280 I don't do it every...

01:00:50.500 I do it once every other week.

01:00:52.640 And it's always playing...

01:00:53.740 It's always sarcasm and satire about something.

01:00:57.020 So, that coronavirus video, although I'm appearing to be saying I'm anxious about it, the point of Anxiety Tuesday is to be satire because I agree with him that it's not something to really worry about.

01:01:06.240 Yeah, I think it's not something to worry about.

01:01:07.800 I feel...

01:01:08.240 I mean, but also in two weeks, you and I could be deceased, you know?

01:01:11.320 We could be.

01:01:11.880 I wouldn't be shocked if something, a disease gets created that we can't solve.

01:01:18.980 I think the Chinese created it in a lab. 1.00

01:01:21.320 I don't think...

01:01:22.120 I think people who think...

01:01:23.120 Like Eminem, kind of?

01:01:24.140 I think...

01:01:24.660 Exactly.

01:01:25.600 Happy Black History Month.

01:01:26.720 Well, thank you.

01:01:28.460 And also, I want to say this.

01:01:29.500 Also, Happy Women's Month.

01:01:30.420 Thank you.

01:01:30.900 Oh, yeah, it is Women's Month, huh?

01:01:31.820 Yes.

01:01:32.880 5G.

01:01:33.340 Now, there's a theory out there that 5G created it.

01:01:35.920 Have you seen this, Nick?

01:01:36.600 Who's 5G?

01:01:37.240 Is he a rapper as well?

01:01:38.080 No, 5G, the wireless.

01:01:39.460 Oh, okay.

01:01:40.120 Yeah, 5G wireless, which was created over there in Wuhan.

01:01:43.760 Right, in the Wuhan clan.

01:01:45.100 Yeah, that is where...

01:01:47.560 That's the thing that's created it.

01:01:49.200 I don't think for a second that it wasn't created in a lab.

01:01:52.840 It feels like it was created in a lab to cause hysteria as just something else you can blame

01:02:00.960 Donald Trump for.

01:02:01.900 Or, I wouldn't be surprised if the Democrats...

01:02:04.620 I wouldn't be surprised if Ocasio-Cortez and the Wuhan lab created that thing. 0.96

01:02:09.160 Straight out of Wuhan?

01:02:09.900 Yeah, straight out of Wuhan.

01:02:11.540 If some...

01:02:12.320 And Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden and all those liberals cucks created the coronavirus, 1.00

01:02:20.640 put that shit, made the masks. 1.00

01:02:23.340 The masks are made in China, which everyone wears. 1.00

01:02:25.300 They dip those in coronavirus, sell the masks to us, and we spread it.

01:02:28.440 And it crashes the economy, gets Trump out of office.

01:02:31.080 But here's the truth.

01:02:32.420 You can't get Trump out of office.

01:02:33.600 He'll always be here to stay.

01:02:34.840 Yeah.

01:02:35.340 Yeah.

01:02:36.020 Yeah, I mean, he could be here for a long time.

01:02:37.860 Social media conspiracies blame coronavirus on 5G internet.

01:02:41.060 This is what I'm talking about right here.

01:02:42.780 And this is...

01:02:43.700 She'll get kissed on... 1.00

01:02:44.400 This lady will get cracked open and cleaned out. 1.00

01:02:46.800 I like her lips. 0.56

01:02:48.220 Yeah, this lady is... 1.00

01:02:49.720 By the way, I just wanted to say I was joking about the Trump Democrat...

01:02:52.420 I'm just kidding.

01:02:53.060 I have no political affiliation.

01:02:54.660 Oh, dude.

01:02:55.380 Look, I think that...

01:02:56.600 I don't hate Trump.

01:02:57.200 I don't love him.

01:02:57.940 Anytime somebody starts winning, they definitely release a lot of information to try and cannibalize.

01:03:03.940 Remember they said a few weeks ago that the Russian bots were supporting Bernie.

01:03:09.740 Remember that?

01:03:10.420 Like, what?

01:03:10.860 It's just like...

01:03:11.740 It just never ends.

01:03:12.420 I don't believe the news anymore.

01:03:13.620 I'm not a news believer.

01:03:14.900 But I will say this, though.

01:03:16.660 That's the interesting theory that 5G...

01:03:18.740 That 5G... 1.00

01:03:19.940 Created it.

01:03:21.200 That that's what's causing it.

01:03:22.760 Because wouldn't it be interesting if they had a technological advancement that we don't 0.89

01:03:27.880 know the side effects of, which is probably most of them, that we don't know the side

01:03:32.120 effects.

01:03:32.500 Like, what if we created like a wireless or some sort of a thing that's flowing through

01:03:36.840 our body sometimes through the air and it causes a disease in us?

01:03:40.960 That could...

01:03:41.340 It sounds like pretty feasible.

01:03:42.880 Pretty feasible.

01:03:43.580 But so far...

01:03:44.460 Have there been people that have beaten the coronavirus and 100% cleared it already and it's gone?

01:03:49.580 Most people.

01:03:50.540 Most people.

01:03:51.520 Yeah, that's a thing, dude.

01:03:52.480 It's one of those things.

01:03:53.460 Yeah, you gotta show me a dead, bro.

01:03:55.500 Yeah.

01:03:55.680 S-M-A-D, bro.

01:03:56.940 Show me a dead before I go full.

01:03:58.660 Well, some people are dying, but it seems like it's more elderly... 1.00

01:04:01.260 Where?

01:04:02.340 Yeah, but that's just a dead...

01:04:03.540 An old person dies and they should do a snap of him. 1.00

01:04:06.040 Oh, here's Granny Left. 1.00

01:04:07.300 You wanna see somebody at the top of their fucking game... 1.00

01:04:09.440 Yeah. 1.00

01:04:09.820 ...drop dead of the coronavirus.

01:04:11.240 Yeah, dude.

01:04:11.560 I wanna see Tyson Fury frickin' take, you know...

01:04:13.740 Yeah, take it.

01:04:14.600 Yeah. 1.00

01:04:16.020 Holy shit. 1.00

01:04:18.460 Yeah, bro. 0.99

01:04:19.480 92,000 cases, 48,000 have recovered, 3,000 have died.

01:04:24.420 That's worldwide.

01:04:25.700 Yeah.

01:04:26.380 And that...

01:04:26.700 So the flu...

01:04:27.600 I bet those 3,000 are babies and old people.

01:04:29.940 So the seasonal flu kills way more than that.

01:04:33.420 Mm-hmm.

01:04:33.680 Okay.

01:04:35.140 Okay.

01:04:36.040 I mean, listen, you can worry about everything.

01:04:37.940 Here's a guy right here.

01:04:39.280 Huh?

01:04:39.660 This is a guy from, obviously...

01:04:41.160 From the 1920s.

01:04:42.440 A good guy, yeah.

01:04:43.220 He's got a nice mustache.

01:04:44.420 One of those strong men with the...

01:04:46.540 Oh, yeah, with the 200-pound dumbbells. 0.98

01:04:47.940 He votes for Trump.

01:04:49.000 What's going on, y'all?

01:04:50.080 It's your boy Shane Dogg here.

01:04:51.340 What's up, Shane?

01:04:51.720 I'm in Ellensburg, Washington.

01:04:53.240 Wanted to let you both know, I love both of you guys.

01:04:56.200 You guys are both two of my favorite comedians.

01:04:58.900 Okay, bro.

01:04:59.720 You guys give me something to look forward to every week, and you guys make me laugh nonstop.

01:05:04.540 You guys are killing it, and please keep doing what y'all are doing.

01:05:07.560 Now, this question here is a little bit more directed towards Crystal Clear Chrissy.

01:05:12.200 Mm-hmm.

01:05:12.540 A little chlamydia Chrissy over here. 0.88

01:05:14.060 I need to ask him a real serious question.

01:05:15.760 Don't matter.

01:05:15.960 I'm going to New York for the first time.

01:05:18.440 I got nominated for an award for my college radio show, and so did my station, so I'm going

01:05:23.880 out there.

01:05:24.480 I'm going to be put up in Manhattan, pretty close to Madison Square Garden, and there's

01:05:29.460 a lot of things you can do in New York, but I want to know what your authentic New York

01:05:33.680 experience is for some West Coast kid trying to go out and be an East Coast cutie with a

01:05:38.700 smoothie out here in these streets.

01:05:40.880 Okay.

01:05:41.040 And, Theo, I'd like to know, what's your favorite spot in New York?

01:05:44.780 What do you like about New York?

01:05:45.840 I want your opinion on New York.

01:05:47.480 Okay.

01:05:48.020 Gang Gang and Ladder 14.

01:05:50.620 Yeah.

01:05:51.180 That's nice.

01:05:52.020 That's nice.

01:05:53.320 I like, yeah, I like two out of the three of your fans so far to have lisps.

01:05:58.240 You got a heavy lisp fan.

01:05:59.800 Yeah.

01:06:00.400 You got lit.

01:06:00.900 Yeah.

01:06:01.020 We got a lot of damage.

01:06:02.440 Damaged dudes.

01:06:03.280 Yeah.

01:06:03.620 So I like that kid a lot.

01:06:05.200 He's got an endearing voice.

01:06:06.380 I think anyone with a little bit of a lisp like that, it's endearing to me.

01:06:09.320 I would like to list that on the radio.

01:06:10.460 Do you think he has a lisp, though?

01:06:11.740 I think he has a lisp.

01:06:12.560 I kept wiping my cheeks.

01:06:13.720 I thought he was spitting on me.

01:06:14.720 Did you really?

01:06:15.320 Yeah, through the camera.

01:06:16.680 I think he might just have a unique shape.

01:06:19.420 You have a very unique shape.

01:06:20.380 What if the sound's not coming in right?

01:06:22.100 That's true. 1.00

01:06:22.760 My head is fucked up. 0.99

01:06:24.000 No. 1.00

01:06:24.580 But I like that kid.

01:06:25.560 I like his mustache.

01:06:26.560 He seemed like a real nice kid.

01:06:27.960 So what I'm going to tell him to do is when he's come to New York City.

01:06:31.460 Yeah, give him that experience.

01:06:32.740 I'm going to say he could come through to my crib.

01:06:35.100 Yep.

01:06:35.420 That's what I'm going to say is that unique experience.

01:06:37.040 Just for him.

01:06:38.140 He could come through and he could come tickle me with that mustache.

01:06:39.960 Just like the McKenzie brothers.

01:06:42.420 Yeah.

01:06:42.740 No.

01:06:44.000 I think what he should do is go get a slice of pizza from Joe's in the West Village by

01:06:49.000 the Comedy Cellar.

01:06:49.680 I think he should go see a stand-up show at the Comedy Cellar or one of his comedians

01:06:53.740 that he knows he's a fan of his performing in New York City.

01:06:55.860 Go see him or her headline at Gotham or Caroline's Comedy Club.

01:06:59.380 If not, go down to the Comedy Cellar or the Stand Comedy Club or New York Comedy Club.

01:07:04.420 These are great venues to see a show.

01:07:06.960 Go get a slice of pizza from Joe's.

01:07:09.320 I would say if he's never been there, it's just an experience to walk over the Brooklyn

01:07:12.780 Bridge because it's scary as fuck when you get into the middle because it's only wooden 0.83

01:07:16.400 planks so you can see down hundreds of feet below you and you'll fall to your death. 0.93

01:07:21.200 Definitely see Brooklyn.

01:07:22.440 I would go to Bay Ridge, Brooklyn along with Williamsburg and some of the trendy quinoa flea 0.99

01:07:28.160 market places.

01:07:28.980 Also go to deep Brooklyn, like go to Bay Ridge because it's like a different experience

01:07:32.540 because in Williamsburg, it'll be, like I said, quinoa and flea markets and scooters.

01:07:37.000 But then in Bay Ridge, like the day after Trump won the election in 2016, there was a cafe

01:07:42.260 out there giving out free black and white cookies.

01:07:44.660 So you want to see both extremes of, they were given cups of marinara sauce into my daughter's 0.99

01:07:50.800 Halloween trick-or-treat bag at Nino's Pizza on 3rd Avenue and they're calling it Bat's 0.79

01:07:54.740 Blood.

01:07:55.360 So it's different types of experiences in Brooklyn.

01:07:58.520 So I would go see that.

01:08:00.780 And then you could come, you could come with me if you're there on a Tuesday afternoon,

01:08:04.800 we go take my father to dialysis at College of Staten Island Hospital.

01:08:08.040 If you'd like to come there, you can come see him get his blood filter.

01:08:11.160 How many bags is he doing?

01:08:14.080 I want to say two bags, two, three bags.

01:08:16.620 Easy work.

01:08:17.360 You want to talk about farts. 0.99

01:08:20.680 This guy, he doesn't, my father doesn't wear underwear anymore because he constantly shits 0.94

01:08:25.100 his pants.

01:08:25.640 Well, dude, if you're running on somebody else's blood, who knows what kind of gas is in it?

01:08:28.760 That's true.

01:08:29.500 That's true.

01:08:30.160 You got to think about that.

01:08:31.100 I really like your fan.

01:08:31.800 I like this part of the podcast where fans come in.

01:08:34.460 Dude, the best fans, man.

01:08:35.660 The best listeners.

01:08:36.580 The best group.

01:08:37.400 We got such a, yeah, the whole, it just, it constantly amazes me, man.

01:08:41.220 And that young fella said he's going to New York for the first time.

01:08:43.780 And what did he ask me?

01:08:45.440 What do you like about New York?

01:08:46.680 What's your New York experience?

01:08:48.160 You got to go down to Alphabet City, man.

01:08:50.100 That's what you got to say.

01:08:50.980 It's your last place to still get mugged anywhere in Manhattan, I feel like, kind of in that

01:08:54.800 area.

01:08:55.220 You got to go down there, down up maybe 2nd and B or something.

01:08:58.980 Or go even further, go to C or D.

01:09:01.020 Yeah.

01:09:01.240 A and B is a little hipster honk-a-donk now, but once you get to C, it starts to fade,

01:09:05.380 and then D, you're in the full hood. 0.92

01:09:07.340 Avenue D, you will get stabbed right now. 1.00

01:09:09.780 There you go. 0.98

01:09:10.320 And it's the last place you can still do it.

01:09:12.000 Anywhere else, it's just more, it's just changed a lot.

01:09:14.540 The Bronx, you could still get stabbed a little bit, but the Bronx is going too far out of

01:09:17.820 the way.

01:09:18.020 But if you want to be on the island of Manhattan, I agree with Theo.

01:09:20.820 Go to Avenue D to get yourself shanked.

01:09:22.600 Yeah. 0.92

01:09:22.960 Get shanked.

01:09:23.720 See somebody's cellogram. 0.90

01:09:25.000 Learn a little bit of Spanish or something.

01:09:26.860 Do it all.

01:09:27.600 They just have a different vibe down there.

01:09:29.200 It's still a little risque.

01:09:31.520 And that's what I like.

01:09:32.300 You could do, you know, there's a lot of the dark arts, basically, brother.

01:09:36.160 I just also want to send a quick shout out, RIP, to the neighborhood crackhead that I

01:09:40.020 grew up with, which is also, see, where I grew up in Ridgewood Bushwick, it used to be

01:09:43.920 a place where you could get stabbed, but unfortunately now it's all like vegan cupcake stuff.

01:09:48.120 But there still was the neighborhood crackhead, homeless guy who was, I mean, we thought he 0.88

01:09:51.540 was going to die in 1997.

01:09:52.640 He just died recently.

01:09:53.720 Scotty Karate just passed away.

01:09:55.880 And he was the neighborhood guy.

01:09:57.420 He used to, he would sing a Billy Joel song and then he would do whatever thing, anything

01:10:00.860 you wanted him to do, he would do for a dollar.

01:10:03.200 So I remember one time he backflipped into this shards of glass, knocked himself unconscious

01:10:07.540 and then we just put a dollar on his chest or he would do, you know, roofing work.

01:10:11.820 He would fix your, anything you give him a dollar, we'd call him Scotty Karate and

01:10:14.720 he would have no shirt on and sweatpants almost 12 months a year. 0.99

01:10:18.680 Damn. 0.99

01:10:19.060 So, and he survived for a long time. 0.99

01:10:20.520 Just want to say shout out Scotty Karate.

01:10:22.200 Yeah.

01:10:22.440 RIP Scotty.

01:10:23.340 And also, yeah, they had a guy by us and he was mentally challenged or something happened

01:10:27.320 to him and he was, he used to ride a bike, a woman's bike that had like a little

01:10:31.540 baby seat in the back.

01:10:33.200 And the baby seat was always empty, you know? 0.92

01:10:35.760 And he said he had a little husband that used to, and people are always like, damn, where's 0.98

01:10:40.120 your little husband at? 0.92

01:10:41.180 And so he would always just tell us he had a little bit of a, he had like a little husband

01:10:45.180 that used to, he was looking for him or something.

01:10:47.240 And I don't know what happened to that guy, but.

01:10:49.860 It's funny to grow up the way we grew up, like how you grew up in the, like, it's very

01:10:53.580 relatable.

01:10:54.160 Like you grew up in the deep South and I grew up in kind of the deep Brooklyn, deep Brooklyn

01:10:59.920 where it's like, you had your, there were just different names, but, but like, like

01:11:04.600 for example, like we both have neighborhood crackheads or we both have like crazy uncles.

01:11:09.200 Like I have an uncle who somebody robbed my mother.

01:11:12.360 Um, and, and then at the local bodega, he used to hang out at the local bodega and I guess

01:11:18.460 they had this robbery ring going out of this bodega where they would steal women's purses

01:11:21.780 and steal their credit cards and their money or whatever, whatever.

01:11:23.980 And they stole my mom's purse one day on the corner.

01:11:26.720 And then a couple of days later, my uncle was in the bodega cause he was just chilling,

01:11:29.800 drink beers there.

01:11:30.360 And they were talking about how they just ripped off this lady.

01:11:32.420 And he was like, what's she look like?

01:11:33.500 And, and my uncle's like, oh, that's my sister-in-law.

01:11:36.060 You know, he didn't know.

01:11:37.120 Oh, he said it in his head.

01:11:38.260 That's my sister-in-law. 0.95

01:11:39.400 And so whatever, they kept drinking, continuing, drinking, drinking.

01:11:42.140 And then later on that night, my uncle, I didn't know this.

01:11:44.900 I was a little kid.

01:11:45.540 I only found this out a couple of years ago.

01:11:47.060 Killed the guy?

01:11:47.880 Nah.

01:11:48.600 What he did was he took, they got drunk.

01:11:50.620 They went back into my uncle's garage, which is in the back, back door out of my house.

01:11:54.120 And my uncle beat him up and then tied him up and melted the skin off his knees with a blowtorch

01:12:00.400 for stealing my mom's bag.

01:12:02.200 And then he got my mom's, he couldn't get the credit cards back, but he got the cat,

01:12:05.040 he got cash, the amount of cash that he thought she would have.

01:12:08.060 He got it back. 0.94

01:12:09.140 So it's like, that's a crazy uncle. 0.96

01:12:10.560 You, I'm sure you have, maybe not that exact story, but a crazy uncle. 0.96

01:12:13.560 Yeah.

01:12:13.880 No, we don't.

01:12:14.460 I mean, it's, it's a, I think it was just growing up in a different time too.

01:12:17.660 And people could do more stuff without everybody constantly ratting everybody.

01:12:20.620 And Twitter's just a big snitch fest on there, man.

01:12:23.840 It's just so many snitches. 0.99

01:12:24.820 We got a question that came in from a guy right here.

01:12:26.920 Oh yeah?

01:12:27.400 Yeah.

01:12:27.840 We run out, we good on time?

01:12:29.400 Uh, Theo's got about five.

01:12:31.120 Yeah, we're good.

01:12:32.060 Yeah.

01:12:32.420 And this guy's in a free conch.

01:12:34.740 This is a Chris D'Elia supporter right here.

01:12:39.200 This guy looks a little dirty, but like a nice guy.

01:12:41.520 Yeah.

01:12:41.940 He looks like he's done, I bet he's done chef work or just some UFC.

01:12:45.200 But I like him a lot.

01:12:45.660 Hey, what's up Theo?

01:12:46.640 What's up Chris E.D., baby gorgeous.

01:12:48.380 Hope you guys are doing great.

01:12:49.660 Um, I'm, my name's Nick.

01:12:52.160 I am from Aurora, Illinois.

01:12:53.840 And my question for Chris, actually for both of you, if you both could answer this, it'd

01:12:58.560 be great.

01:12:59.100 Um, but for Chris, I know that you had started a career in physical therapy and, um, I was

01:13:04.860 wondering what was the moment and what made you decide to pursue standup full time and

01:13:11.040 what, like, what was going on?

01:13:12.600 And I'm, I'm always curious to know like what it was that made you transition into a different

01:13:17.820 career paths.

01:13:18.500 Like it was standup, maybe just a hobby.

01:13:20.340 Was it always a passion?

01:13:22.120 Um, and how was that for you?

01:13:23.560 How, how did that go?

01:13:24.420 And for you as well, Theo, like what were you doing when you decided that you were going

01:13:28.080 to do standup and become a comedian full time?

01:13:30.700 And how was that like for you as well?

01:13:32.360 Uh, it's something I'm always interested in to know with, uh, with anyone that pursues something

01:13:36.600 as crazy as standup.

01:13:37.600 So, uh, thanks guys.

01:13:39.180 Thank you so much.

01:13:40.040 Uh, I appreciate it.

01:13:40.720 Have a great rest of the day.

01:13:41.880 Gang, gang.

01:13:42.520 Gang, bro.

01:13:43.200 Gang. 0.66

01:13:43.640 Thank you for very articulate.

01:13:44.920 I did not expect him to be as articulate and well-spoken and well-mannered, uh, and soft

01:13:49.760 like in a positive way as he was.

01:13:52.120 I thought it was going to come out because last time I did your podcast, your fans were

01:13:54.860 just coming out swinging saying, I want to fight you. 1.00

01:13:57.200 Fuck you. 1.00

01:13:58.100 But now it's seen. 1.00

01:13:58.980 Yeah.

01:13:59.100 Because, because they were only going off what they had seen of me and what they had seen

01:14:02.680 of me was you and I ripping each other from Opie.

01:14:05.040 But now again, positive because I came on your show and some of your fans start listening

01:14:10.460 to my stuff.

01:14:11.040 I can see they're using, calling me baby gorgeous and Chrissy Chlamydia.

01:14:14.120 They listen.

01:14:14.520 So it's a different thing.

01:14:15.580 So I appreciate all this.

01:14:17.520 Yeah.

01:14:17.920 Look, man, I appreciate you.

01:14:19.040 I'm glad that you're here, dude.

01:14:20.500 The good, the good thing about this.

01:14:22.340 All right.

01:14:23.740 I haven't held a guy's hands like this.

01:14:25.560 Hold on, bro.

01:14:26.080 I don't touch the top of my hand with your other phone.

01:14:27.380 You got those fingers, bro.

01:14:28.800 Huh? 1.00

01:14:29.200 You got those fucking perfect ass fingers. 1.00

01:14:31.380 They're not perfect, dude. 1.00

01:14:31.960 I have very, very, like kind of the hands of the, you could barely fucking choke somebody.

01:14:36.820 You have to have somebody else just come and help you. 0.98

01:14:38.520 Nah, dude. 0.98

01:14:39.040 They're fucking good in there. 0.99

01:14:40.120 And you don't bite your nails either. 0.99

01:14:42.240 I do.

01:14:43.140 My thumbs are good. 1.00

01:14:44.180 You got sexy ass cuticles. 1.00

01:14:45.740 Really? 1.00

01:14:46.300 I think so.

01:14:46.880 Look at this finger.

01:14:47.900 Kind of goes like that. 0.93

01:14:48.020 Oh, that finger's disgusting. 1.00

01:14:49.640 That looks like ET.

01:14:50.700 Yeah.

01:14:51.520 Yeah, that's gross.

01:14:52.240 Yeah, you actually, your fingers are a little long.

01:14:54.560 Yeah.

01:14:55.020 I mean, they're fingers, though.

01:14:56.200 They shouldn't be real, not long. 0.89

01:14:57.580 You could just rock your toes, man, with no, I'm just, my feet are disgusting.

01:15:01.520 They grow over each other. 0.65

01:15:02.480 I could easily see that. 0.99

01:15:03.520 Disgusting. 0.98

01:15:04.040 Yeah. 0.99

01:15:04.220 You almost, you look like somebody who would have webbed feet almost.

01:15:07.100 I don't have webbed feet, but I believe I was born with broken feet and they never

01:15:10.480 fixed it.

01:15:11.100 Yeah, sure.

01:15:11.500 I just, my feet are broken.

01:15:13.060 Take care of yourself, dude.

01:15:14.160 Okay.

01:15:14.620 That's what I'm saying.

01:15:15.440 You look like a guy that definitely was in the band and the school band, even though he

01:15:18.920 wasn't really in it.

01:15:20.140 Yeah.

01:15:20.580 Like I was just there.

01:15:22.140 You look like you were on like the marching thing with the flag.

01:15:24.700 Yeah.

01:15:25.020 Dude, you look like my third grade gym teacher, Mrs. Klein. 0.95

01:15:29.180 Oh, yeah. 0.99

01:15:29.900 She was like this lesbian. 1.00

01:15:30.960 We used to call her Liu Kang. 0.90

01:15:32.160 You kind of look like Liu Kang from Street Fighter if he was a white dude and had money.

01:15:37.420 Thanks, man.

01:15:38.160 Yeah.

01:15:39.220 That's awesome, man.

01:15:41.740 Should we answer his question, though?

01:15:43.120 Yeah, let's answer his question.

01:15:43.800 Okay, go ahead.

01:15:44.120 You want to start?

01:15:45.500 Yeah, so, yeah, what was I doing?

01:15:47.940 I mean, I was always doing something else on the side until comedy was just enough of a

01:15:52.680 job, you know?

01:15:53.440 I think at a certain point, it just kind of chooses you.

01:15:56.120 I always, I think even until about like 10 years in, I was like, am I going to keep doing

01:16:00.380 this?

01:16:00.740 Am I going to keep doing this?

01:16:02.220 At some point, I have to grow up, it feels like.

01:16:05.080 Comedy for me always felt like a place where I could just be, I never had to grow up.

01:16:10.120 You get to travel all the time.

01:16:11.480 You get to escape whatever was going on in your regular life.

01:16:13.780 You always got to get out of town.

01:16:15.280 If you were about to be in a relationship, I got to go.

01:16:18.140 I got to get out of town.

01:16:18.940 You know, there was always, you're always on the go.

01:16:21.320 You never had to be in one space.

01:16:22.620 You never had to really kind of deal with yourself, I guess, in a little bit.

01:16:26.160 So comedy always gave me that, the ability to escape, I felt like.

01:16:29.620 And then at a certain point, I was like, oh, I'm getting older.

01:16:31.360 I need to figure out, am I going to have, you know, what am I going to do here?

01:16:37.360 How am I going to have a real future?

01:16:39.200 And then, yeah, I think at some point, it just kind of chose me.

01:16:43.080 It was like, okay, there's enough here where I can survive, you know, so I'm going to stay.

01:16:47.340 What I always liked about you is you were a guy that you had to really, not that it mattered,

01:16:52.840 but there was a lot of proving that you had to do to your peers because when you started out,

01:16:56.420 it was real world, and then you start doing stand-up, and already people are like, nah,

01:16:59.820 he's a real world guy.

01:17:01.500 He's not a real stand-up.

01:17:02.860 And then your career, like you said, was like just maintaining, maintaining, maintaining,

01:17:06.640 did the Netflix special, and it's just maintaining.

01:17:08.740 And then you start to prove yourself in the podcast game.

01:17:11.780 And then they say, oh, well, he's just starting a podcast.

01:17:15.080 You know, he's still the real world guy, but then you start to explode with the podcast.

01:17:18.140 And then it got to the point where it's like, now I've shed that real world thing.

01:17:22.000 I don't think anybody, I know for a fact, no one even thinks about that with you.

01:17:25.200 And they were like, that was something he did 15 years ago.

01:17:27.740 And now it's just like, great podcaster, great stand-up.

01:17:30.600 It's match.

01:17:31.180 So I don't, sometimes as a peer of yours in the comedy world, we, I noticed, I'm like,

01:17:36.940 that was pretty insane how he was able to do all that.

01:17:39.920 The random fan may not know that. 0.99

01:17:41.520 Then he's like, oh, I've always fucked with Theo. 0.97

01:17:43.120 But it's like, where you had to come from, because you could have easily quit, is my point. 0.96

01:17:46.960 Because you're saying 10 years, it's like, I'm sure you heard it.

01:17:49.760 Because if I heard it in New York, then you heard it.

01:17:51.340 It was like, oh, it's the real world dude.

01:17:52.980 But we don't want to be known as that.

01:17:54.940 Like, just now, am I starting to shed, oh, you that guy from Guy Code?

01:17:58.400 Where it's like, that's a part of me.

01:17:59.940 I'm proud of that.

01:18:00.560 But now it's like, they know my name a little bit.

01:18:02.160 They know my podcast.

01:18:03.060 They know me for stand-up, not for being a talking head.

01:18:05.800 And you are not known for being on a reality show.

01:18:08.300 Yeah.

01:18:08.420 You know, so it takes a lot of work to do that.

01:18:11.580 So I'm always noticing about you.

01:18:14.700 And I think it's dope.

01:18:15.800 Thanks, man. 1.00

01:18:16.360 But I will say that you're a faggot. 1.00

01:18:18.660 No, I'm kidding. 1.00

01:18:20.180 I'm kidding. 1.00

01:18:20.820 Dude, if I'm a faggot, bro, A, no offense if anybody is a faggot or, and still refers 1.00

01:18:27.060 to themselves as that. 1.00

01:18:27.840 That's very outdated.

01:18:28.140 Are we not allowed to say that word?

01:18:29.180 I apologize.

01:18:29.840 I didn't mean to say that.

01:18:30.480 I didn't say it.

01:18:30.900 I said it.

01:18:31.600 So if you want to edit it out.

01:18:32.900 Yeah.

01:18:33.080 And just put quotes on their mind and just refer to his.

01:18:35.420 Yeah.

01:18:36.600 Because I was just, I didn't have anything to say.

01:18:38.680 The problem is, because I said that nice thing about you, and I was thinking of a joke,

01:18:41.540 and it slipped.

01:18:42.360 So I just went to a very premature thing.

01:18:46.860 And I just said that. 1.00

01:18:48.620 I have two gay friends, and they say, look, I am a faggot. 1.00

01:18:52.080 Right. 1.00

01:18:52.960 And I'll be like, dude, don't say that.

01:18:55.000 I'll be like, no, I am.

01:18:55.900 That's what I am.

01:18:56.620 So everybody does something different.

01:18:58.580 Some people want, but I'll tell you this.

01:19:00.640 Dude, if I'm gay, bro, I would be shocked.

01:19:03.080 See, if I'm gay, I'd be relieved. 0.58

01:19:07.180 Yeah.

01:19:07.440 That's the thing with me.

01:19:08.220 It's because I can't even really take a good look, because my father's still alive.

01:19:12.300 So I got an old school father.

01:19:14.160 Oh, wow.

01:19:14.660 75-year-old Brooklyn, you know, Tony Balls is his nickname. 0.91

01:19:17.560 So I can't even look inside to see if there's a little gay in there, because it feels like 1.00

01:19:22.840 there's a little gay in there. 0.98

01:19:24.120 Yeah, yeah. 0.96

01:19:24.300 Like I'm plant-based.

01:19:25.540 I'm on a plant-based diet right now. 0.99

01:19:27.040 And you're built like a strong gay. 1.00

01:19:28.460 You're built like a strong gay. 1.00

01:19:29.200 And I'm a strong gay. 0.99

01:19:30.160 And people tell me, you know, I'm a power bottom. 1.00

01:19:33.400 I got a big fat ass. 1.00

01:19:35.780 I love Whitney Houston. 1.00

01:19:36.860 My favorite movie is Little Women or Pretty Woman. 1.00

01:19:40.060 You know, I fucking jerk off to guys. 1.00

01:19:42.100 Like all those things are gay. 1.00

01:19:43.260 Yeah. 0.99

01:19:43.340 All those things are gay. 0.96

01:19:46.080 So sometimes I feel like I can say that F word, which is derogatory, and I don't mean

01:19:49.920 any harm, but I can say it because I know deep down I am one.

01:19:52.920 I know that there's one just pouncing around in there. 1.00

01:19:55.880 Oh, yeah. 0.98

01:19:56.220 I can see a little tigger inside of you, man. 1.00

01:19:58.140 Yeah. 1.00

01:19:58.280 Because the thing is, even though I did get two pumps, I got skull fucked by the McKenzie 0.99

01:20:02.760 Brothers' two pumps. 0.99

01:20:03.640 I did give it a lick as it was coming off.

01:20:05.400 So that changes everything.

01:20:10.140 Bro, that's an alarm if things get two.

01:20:13.540 Really?

01:20:14.160 And I think we just hit that, man.

01:20:15.960 My fault, guys.

01:20:17.060 Can I tell you quick how it was?

01:20:18.180 It sounds like the McKenzie Brothers' fault. 0.71

01:20:20.200 Yes.

01:20:20.640 What do you got to say?

01:20:21.260 Real quick.

01:20:21.560 Well, no.

01:20:21.920 Oh, Liu Kang.

01:20:23.500 Real quick.

01:20:25.060 I started, just to answer the fans' question.

01:20:26.700 Oh, yes.

01:20:27.060 I'm sorry.

01:20:27.340 Thank you for that question.

01:20:28.300 I was a pediatric physical therapist.

01:20:30.400 I have a doctorate degree in physical therapy.

01:20:32.160 It's crazy, dude.

01:20:33.740 It really is crazy, man. 1.00

01:20:35.020 When you get skull fucked, your paths change. 0.99

01:20:37.980 So I went and I became a physical therapist. 0.99

01:20:41.500 I was working with children, pediatric, mentally and physically handicapped children.

01:20:44.420 It was a beautiful job.

01:20:45.480 But then simultaneously, I got on Guy Code.

01:20:47.760 And Guy Code really started to pop off on MTV2.

01:20:50.220 And then they created Girl Code.

01:20:51.880 And that really started to pop off.

01:20:53.520 So what happened was, see, the thing is this.

01:20:55.680 What happened was, is a lot of the people who were watching the shows were younger people.

01:21:01.160 18, 19, 20, 21, 22 was a college younger people show on MTV and MTV2.

01:21:06.240 And it's very well known that older women sometimes will give birth to a child with a disability.

01:21:12.180 You know, there's a lot of testing that women as they get older have to do. 1.00

01:21:14.600 It's less and less now, but it's still a thing.

01:21:16.580 That's why people always say, oh, my biological clock.

01:21:18.080 But what's also not as known, but is very true, is younger women, 17, 16, they don't have the proper prenatal care.

01:21:26.120 And they don't know that they're pregnant.

01:21:27.260 So their children are born with high disability rates as well.

01:21:29.680 Definitely.

01:21:30.040 And high sugar, too.

01:21:30.940 They're always at Sonic.

01:21:32.340 Always at Sonic.

01:21:33.680 Yeah.

01:21:34.260 Oh, so they, a lot of the moms and dads of the children I was treating were young people that were watching Guy Code and Girl Code.

01:21:43.660 And the principal of the school I was working, I was like, look, we found out you're doing comedy and doing these TV shows.

01:21:49.080 And they're like, it's not, you can't be treating handicapped children and also doing a show about the Guy Code to hiding your boner.

01:21:55.860 So you're going to have to choose.

01:21:58.000 And so it was really this little kid, my little man, Aaron, great kid.

01:22:02.000 He was in a wheelchair, had cerebral palsy.

01:22:03.840 So cognitively, he was fine.

01:22:05.640 No problems with speech or his mind worked like our minds, but his legs didn't work from cerebral palsy.

01:22:11.880 So he was sitting in his wheelchair one day.

01:22:13.360 We were throwing the ball at him.

01:22:14.500 You know, he would throw it at me. 0.98

01:22:15.320 I would, you know, rifle it off his legs. 0.98

01:22:16.740 He couldn't feel it anyway. 0.99

01:22:17.880 So I would just rifle it off, you know, light him with, you know, burn him with cigarettes, whatever it is. 0.95

01:22:21.900 You know what I mean? 0.98

01:22:22.660 No. 0.99

01:22:23.180 You know, he couldn't feel shit. 0.99

01:22:24.600 I would tell him to close his eyes. 0.99

01:22:25.800 I would just, yeah, whatever. 0.91

01:22:27.800 You know, light his pants on fire, joke around. 0.97

01:22:31.240 Have a pet bat bite him? 0.87

01:22:32.900 Yeah.

01:22:33.500 No, I'm kidding.

01:22:34.300 Obviously, I'm kidding.

01:22:35.420 What, he's your agent now?

01:22:37.260 Yeah, he's my agent.

01:22:38.140 No, so Aaron told me when I was flirting with this idea of leaving physical therapy, he's six years old.

01:22:48.240 But the thing is, when you're a six-year-old kid that's got a disability, you're so wise beyond your years.

01:22:53.800 So the reason, because the man asked me what made me change, I was always flirting with the idea of leaving for a year.

01:23:00.380 I was like, I need to jump two feet in if I really want to do stand-up.

01:23:03.220 And then it got to the point where Aaron told me, we were talking, throwing the ball back and forth, and I was like, I kind of want to leave stand-up.

01:23:12.140 I kind of want to leave physical therapy to do stand-up, but I'll miss you guys so much, so I don't know if I can do it.

01:23:16.960 And he was like, well, isn't stand-up, isn't being a comedian your dream?

01:23:21.400 And I said, yeah, it is.

01:23:23.000 And he goes, so why wouldn't you go do it if that's what you always want to do?

01:23:27.220 And I was like, I don't know, I'm going to miss you guys.

01:23:30.020 And he said to me, he was like, I'm not going anywhere.

01:23:33.840 I can't walk.

01:23:34.940 I'm always going to be sitting in this chair waiting for you.

01:23:37.380 He's like, but I want to – Aaron said this to me.

01:23:39.760 He goes, I think it's pretty cool if I could see one of my teachers, he called his teacher, one of my teachers on TV.

01:23:47.000 He said, I would think that was pretty cool.

01:23:48.320 He said, and if I had that opportunity, I would go, and I would hope you would want to watch me and be proud of me.

01:23:52.900 And he said, we're all proud of you.

01:23:53.920 I think you should go do it and go live your dream. 1.00

01:23:55.680 Oh, damn. 1.00

01:23:56.120 And I was like, damn. 1.00

01:23:57.940 And then because I would say – because he said – and then I said to him, I said to him, I was like, how are you so smart? 0.99

01:24:03.960 How are you so smart like this, and how are you so brave?

01:24:06.700 And then he said, like, I'll never forget.

01:24:08.780 He was like, well – he was like, you see, Mr. Chris. 0.99

01:24:11.420 It was like a fucking movie. 0.99

01:24:12.660 He's like, you see, Mr. Chris. 1.00

01:24:13.880 He said, when you can't walk or use your legs and you're in a wheelchair, he said, you have all day to sit and think.

01:24:20.100 He said, so I'm thinking about you, and I think you should go do it. 0.67

01:24:22.520 And then I swear to God, I fucking relieved myself, hysterical crying, like three hours later, I told the principal, I was like, I'm going to leave.

01:24:28.700 Is this Patch Adams, I think? 0.95

01:24:30.240 No, dude.

01:24:30.680 It was legit. 0.99

01:24:31.720 It was fucking legit. 0.99

01:24:32.460 No, judge me, man. 0.99

01:24:32.960 It's wild. 1.00

01:24:34.380 I mean, it's – fuck. 1.00

01:24:35.560 I'm not trying to sound insensitive. 1.00

01:24:36.320 I put Chinese finger traps and shit on his toes. 1.00

01:24:38.280 I took those off because he couldn't feel it anyway. 0.99

01:24:41.280 Oh, my God.

01:24:41.840 Yeah.

01:24:42.280 Did he really say that, man?

01:24:43.320 I swear he really said that.

01:24:44.340 That's remarkable, yeah, to think about how much time you have to think, just how still probably your world gets when you can't even move.

01:24:48.320 Because it was that.

01:24:49.060 That pushed me out.

01:24:49.700 Also, this is true, too.

01:24:50.940 I had sex with four of the teachers at different times, and the heat was starting to get turned up because they all found out about it.

01:24:56.520 So they were starting to get a little heated in that physical therapy room. 0.97

01:24:59.540 Chrissy Petrie did it with that drip drop, too, man. 1.00

01:25:01.460 So between Aaron telling me to go live my dream and these girls about to press charges, it was time to leave. 0.99

01:25:08.140 Damn. 0.99

01:25:10.760 Praise God, man. 1.00

01:25:11.740 You can check him out on History of Hyenas, man.

01:25:13.580 Check me out on historyhyenas.com.

01:25:16.100 And you can see him and Don this weekend.

01:25:17.740 Where are you guys going to be at?

01:25:18.580 No, well, Donnie, where are you going to be?

01:25:20.460 I'm going to be in Jacksonville this weekend.

01:25:22.540 You can see him at the Jacksonville Comedy Zone.

01:25:24.920 When does this episode come out, Theo?

01:25:27.180 Thursday.

01:25:27.980 This Thursday?

01:25:28.740 Okay, so go to my website, chrissycomedy.com.

01:25:31.640 I got a bunch of dates up there.

01:25:32.780 March 19th, Gramercy Theater, Live History of Hyenas.

01:25:36.240 First show sold out, second show available.

01:25:37.940 And then April 29th, Wall Street Theater, Norwalk, Connecticut.

01:25:41.040 Also, in April, I have Vancouver, Boston, Raleigh, North Carolina.

01:25:46.520 I got Philadelphia.

01:25:47.800 I just put Seattle and Portland up in October.

01:25:51.120 Aladdin Theater and Neptune Theater.

01:25:52.760 So come check me out.

01:25:53.500 I got a bunch of dates.

01:25:54.660 chrissycomedy.com.

01:25:55.500 And check out the podcast, History of Hyenas, with Giannis Papas.

01:25:58.320 Amen, man.

01:25:59.220 And thank you so much for coming, dude.

01:26:00.780 And sorry if I'm a little bit tired.

01:26:01.920 It's just been hard.

01:26:02.460 I just feel tired.

01:26:03.180 No, I hope it was a good episode, man.

01:26:04.500 I think it was a lot of fun.

01:26:05.420 I wish I could be more fun, like just more engaging.

01:26:08.080 Sometimes I'm just a little bit exhausted.

01:26:09.460 I like your energy.

01:26:10.320 I like your energy this way because I like it because it's really you.

01:26:15.000 It's really just like you. 0.97

01:26:16.600 And then I like in the beginning, like when you get like a little catty bitch energy, I 1.00

01:26:21.080 kind of like that about you. 0.98

01:26:22.360 Oh, thanks.

01:26:22.880 When I was like talking to you, like, hey, save it for the podcast.

01:26:25.400 I kind of like that.

01:26:26.240 And then I like that you go in waves and zones with this thing.

01:26:31.040 Yeah.

01:26:31.380 I have to pee, too. 0.98

01:26:32.200 That's why I've fucking been in that zone for a bit. 0.98

01:26:34.460 But I love the story about the kid in the wheelchair. 0.95

01:26:36.760 I loved the fact that he inspired you, man. 1.00

01:26:40.060 That shit is pretty powerful. 0.99

01:26:41.500 You got real good fucking positive energy, and I wish that we hung out more. 1.00

01:26:45.240 But I text you. 0.96

01:26:45.840 You don't text back anymore.

01:26:46.920 I will.

01:26:47.040 That's the problem.

01:26:48.000 Well, I will.

01:26:48.480 Some of my texts haven't been going through.

01:26:50.200 I want to start FaceTiming you more, too.

01:26:52.240 When you pee, is it clear or is it darker?

01:26:53.800 Okay.

01:26:55.320 I'll tell you this, bro.

01:26:56.240 I bet it's a lot clearer than some of the patches you've had, bro.

01:26:58.800 Yeah, dude.

01:26:59.300 That is for sure, dude.

01:27:00.160 Yeah, man.

01:27:00.620 But I've been.

01:27:01.500 But I'm just waiting for this last STD results.

01:27:04.040 And then I'm going to be celibate, man.

01:27:05.280 I'm going to try to take two months off. 1.00

01:27:06.500 No pussy. 1.00

01:27:07.140 I'm not saying I won't fuck guys, but definitely no girls. 1.00

01:27:09.660 Yeah, bro. 1.00

01:27:10.220 Yeah. 0.94

01:27:10.760 But if you're only banging guys because you're taking a break from women, that's not gay, bro. 0.99

01:27:15.020 You have to actually be a gay man, man. 0.99

01:27:17.760 I know. 0.89

01:27:18.160 I feel like guys can't go back.

01:27:19.440 You can't be a bisexual guy. 1.00

01:27:20.740 You can be a bisexual girl. 0.99

01:27:21.600 But guys, I feel like once you hook up with a guy, you're gay. 0.99

01:27:24.360 Yeah. 0.91

01:27:24.700 Which is fine.

01:27:25.400 Dunkin' Donuts.

01:27:26.240 Remember that?

01:27:27.000 Dunkin' Donuts?

01:27:27.780 No.

01:27:27.980 What's that?

01:27:28.420 From Jim Norton over there on the Opie show?

01:27:30.400 I love Jim Norton.

01:27:31.500 Dunkin' Donuts.

01:27:32.400 Why are you on Dunkin' Donuts?

01:27:33.980 Dude, it got weird, though, towards the end because Opie and Jim were always arguing, right?

01:27:37.760 They were arguing a lot.

01:27:38.860 There was a lot of tension in there.

01:27:40.280 And to be honest, man, people would hit me up because at the end, I was on.

01:27:43.820 At the end, literally, every time Jim was out, Opie would call me in to be the fill-in because I was hungry.

01:27:48.880 I live right there, hungry for the opportunity.

01:27:52.820 And so a lot of fans would ask me questions.

01:27:55.500 Hey, what's going on with Opie and Jim?

01:27:56.880 And the truth is I didn't know because I only saw them argue once, and that was live on the air when everybody else saw it.

01:28:03.220 When it was before or after, I had no idea.

01:28:06.100 I would see Jim at the Comedy Cellar, wouldn't talk about it.

01:28:08.620 When I would speak to Opie privately, he wouldn't talk about it.

01:28:11.220 So anything that the fans, I don't know.

01:28:13.560 Yeah.

01:28:13.940 Same.

01:28:14.580 Yeah, same.

01:28:15.040 People would ask me about it.

01:28:15.920 I just felt like I think it's hard to work with anybody for a long time to start that early in the morning.

01:28:20.740 You know, Opie had been there for a while.

01:28:22.540 I think it's just tough to make that.

01:28:24.200 It's tough to make things fit, you know, a lot of things.

01:28:26.180 But anyway, I shouldn't have brought that up.

01:28:27.440 I didn't mean to kind of bring it up.

01:28:28.460 You want to get dinner tonight?

01:28:30.080 Or you can't do it?

01:28:30.980 I probably can, actually.

01:28:32.080 You want to do it?

01:28:32.600 Me, you, and Donnie?

01:28:33.400 Yeah.

01:28:33.700 And Scotty Bangs?

01:28:34.300 I just have to go.

01:28:35.380 I have to go to yoga right now.

01:28:36.760 No, but I mean after yoga.

01:28:37.960 Yeah.

01:28:38.460 We're going to do it, man?

01:28:39.260 I want to buy you.

01:28:39.940 What do you want to eat?

01:28:40.840 I don't know.

01:28:41.260 Something Italian.

01:28:42.200 You want to do something Italian?

01:28:43.240 Yeah.

01:28:43.700 Scotty Bangs, are you getting a trim?

01:28:46.600 Oh, yeah.

01:28:47.260 I actually, I got podcasts tonight.

01:28:48.940 Oh, sorry.

01:28:49.780 He has a podcast, too.

01:28:51.200 I'd be honored to.

01:28:52.020 Another Bachelor podcast.

01:28:53.180 No, I know his name's Nick, but aren't we calling him Scotty Bangs?

01:28:55.360 Or do we call him Nicky Bangs?

01:28:56.160 Nicky Bangs.

01:28:56.640 Oh, my fault.

01:28:57.180 Yep.

01:28:57.720 Scotty Karate Nicky Bangs.

01:28:58.880 That's all right, dude.

01:28:59.720 It's so good.

01:29:00.240 I don't even know where I am right now. 0.93

01:29:01.360 Yo, dude, you want to piss in my hood? 0.72

01:29:02.640 No, I want to go take a nap. 0.94

01:29:05.560 Yo, dude.

01:29:06.500 All right, bro. 1.00

01:29:07.000 I'm going to fucking kiss you on the lips right now. 1.00

01:29:11.200 Can I do it? 1.00

01:29:12.080 No.

01:29:12.660 Come on, man. 0.98

01:29:13.300 Stop being anti-gay. 0.99

01:29:14.340 Just go. 1.00

01:29:14.860 Just go.

01:29:15.300 Get him. 0.97

01:29:15.620 Dude, if I'm gay, I will tell you, bro. 0.87

01:29:17.660 I'm not just being gay for no reason, man.

01:29:19.980 Yeah.

01:29:20.680 Thank God.

01:29:21.320 These are man-permitted.

01:29:24.980 Bro.

01:29:27.080 Wow.

01:29:27.680 It's too much.

01:29:28.820 Wow.

01:29:29.420 It's too much, guys.

01:29:32.000 Be good.

01:29:32.640 No.

01:29:33.420 Get that away. 0.99

01:29:34.960 Yes.

01:29:35.600 That's what I'm saying.

01:29:41.200 Still, I'm falling like these leaves.

01:29:43.620 I must be cornerstone.

01:29:48.840 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.

01:29:54.340 I can feel it in my bones.

01:29:58.580 But it's going to take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let myself

01:30:08.920 all mine shine that light on me.

01:30:16.560 I'll sit and tell you my stories.

01:30:21.680 Shine on me.

01:30:26.020 And I will find a song.

01:30:28.920 I will sing it just for you.

01:30:32.560 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll

01:30:51.680 be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to

01:30:56.360 pleasure your partner.

01:30:57.920 The answer may shock you.

01:30:59.240 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

01:31:01.720 Sometimes I won't.

01:31:03.400 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

01:31:06.320 You have three new voice messages.

01:31:09.360 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

01:31:12.240 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.

01:31:16.540 So great.

01:31:17.900 Hi, sweetheart. 0.94

01:31:19.600 Here's the deal. 1.00

01:31:20.880 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. 0.99

01:31:24.820 Do you know what I mean? 0.99

01:31:25.420 Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

01:31:29.900 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

01:31:32.000 Oh, no!

01:31:34.320 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

01:31:36.700 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:31:40.860 Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:31:45.120 Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts, or watch us on YouTube,

01:31:50.240 yeah?

01:31:50.900 And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - March 05, 2020

Chris Distefano 2 ｜ This Past Weekend #265

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