This Past Weekend with Theo Von - Chris Distefano

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00:00:55.060 Today's episode, I'm joined by an old friend.

00:00:57.900 He and I spent countless hours barbing each other on the Opie and Jim Norton podcast on SiriusXM over about a year and a half period.

00:01:10.060 He's one of the funniest young men that I know.

00:01:13.240 He's a father.

00:01:14.080 He's a father of a multiracial child.

00:01:17.400 And he's a beautiful man.

00:01:18.920 And he's doing unique things.

00:01:20.400 And I'm so happy to have him here with me today in studio.

00:01:24.280 Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Chris DeStefano.

00:01:40.280 Wow.

00:01:41.800 Yes.

00:01:42.720 Long time no see.

00:01:44.320 What up, baby?

00:01:45.320 What up, man?

00:01:46.380 Yeah, cuz.

00:01:47.240 Dude, that's crazy.

00:01:48.060 You look beautiful.

00:01:48.660 You got an all blue one.

00:01:49.520 Do you wear blue a lot?

00:01:50.440 No.

00:01:51.800 No, normally, I've been wearing sweatpants a lot.

00:01:55.100 But, you know, I'm flying home today.

00:01:57.540 So when I go back to New York, you know, you can't come off the plane in sweats like that.

00:02:01.540 Really?

00:02:01.920 You know?

00:02:02.420 I mean, I guess you could.

00:02:03.460 But I just feel like, you know, I'm going home and then I gotta go right to see my family.

00:02:08.880 Do you dress nice when you fly?

00:02:10.580 Do you dress?

00:02:11.020 Plus, I got a little penis.

00:02:12.100 You know that.

00:02:12.800 I've never seen your penis, dude.

00:02:14.160 What?

00:02:14.500 I've never seen you my dick.

00:02:15.880 I've never seen that one that, when I put the team.

00:02:17.860 I will block you if you send me it.

00:02:19.820 I got one.

00:02:20.700 I thought I sent you one.

00:02:21.440 I'm trying to stay off porn.

00:02:22.360 I'm 43 days right now.

00:02:24.260 I got one where, you know, I send it out as my dick.

00:02:28.140 But it's actually just a television remote in my sweatpants.

00:02:31.160 But it looks like I have a fucking hog.

00:02:32.740 And when girls ask for a dick pic, that's what I send out.

00:02:35.920 And they think, like, they think I have the biggest dick ever.

00:02:39.160 And then when we finally do get to sex, you know, I gotta turn all the lights off and get them as wet as possible.

00:02:43.680 Suddenly, it's the Apple TV remote, suddenly, you got.

00:02:49.100 Yeah, because you think it's files.

00:02:50.720 It's that Apple TV.

00:02:52.300 Yeah, I mean, a lot of...

00:02:52.940 Like, is this Fire Stick?

00:02:54.220 What is this little thing?

00:02:54.900 Do you want to...

00:02:55.380 It looks...

00:02:56.040 I do not.

00:02:56.600 Okay.

00:02:57.020 All right.

00:02:57.520 Because it looks like a...

00:02:58.320 I mean, it looks like a hammer.

00:02:59.940 Really?

00:03:00.480 Yeah, dude.

00:03:01.520 Like, what kind of...

00:03:02.120 You said, like a small hammer?

00:03:03.340 It looks like...

00:03:03.860 Well, it's just a thick...

00:03:05.100 It's a television remote in gray sweatpants, but it looks like my dick.

00:03:08.400 Right.

00:03:08.600 It's easily...

00:03:09.260 And I've sent it around to...

00:03:10.360 And you've been sending it to women?

00:03:11.080 I sent it...

00:03:11.520 Well, if they ask me, I send it to women.

00:03:13.180 And then I send it to my boys.

00:03:14.740 My boys have it.

00:03:15.520 So there's a circulation...

00:03:16.680 That's my crew's dick pic.

00:03:18.360 I do not want to be one of your boys, then, because I'm trying to do...

00:03:21.660 I'm trying to make it to 44 Days of No Pornography.

00:03:23.460 I'm not losing my streak, because you're going to send me a male dick.

00:03:26.140 Now, what's the thought process on that?

00:03:28.100 Why no porno?

00:03:29.240 I don't like it, man.

00:03:30.420 It's just too...

00:03:32.220 It just makes me feel bad about myself.

00:03:34.160 So some of that's my own thing.

00:03:35.380 Right.

00:03:35.580 It makes me feel bad.

00:03:36.360 Right.

00:03:36.760 But then secondarily, I don't like...

00:03:39.760 I don't like, you know, honestly, just spraying out of my own sink.

00:03:44.660 You know?

00:03:44.900 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:03:45.560 At a certain age...

00:03:46.640 Right.

00:03:46.740 When you're young, it's fun.

00:03:47.960 Right.

00:03:48.080 It's cool.

00:03:48.460 It's exciting.

00:03:49.060 You're like, oh, how much of this is in my body?

00:03:51.020 Yeah.

00:03:51.340 But you get older...

00:03:52.600 Yeah.

00:03:52.880 And you're like, oh, I'm still doing this.

00:03:54.860 I still don't have any groceries.

00:03:56.880 You know what it's like?

00:03:57.660 Yeah.

00:03:58.140 It's like, listen, as you get older, right, you only have a finite amount of energy each

00:04:02.320 day.

00:04:02.700 Yeah.

00:04:02.980 I can't be using...

00:04:04.520 And a lot of that energy is in your balls.

00:04:06.080 A lot of, you know, sperm is energy.

00:04:08.000 Yeah.

00:04:08.380 So it's like, you can't, like you said, be spraying it out unnecessarily when there's

00:04:12.160 shit you got to do.

00:04:12.900 Like, I'm somebody's dad.

00:04:14.080 Right.

00:04:14.400 So it's like, I can't jerk off into my belly button anymore.

00:04:17.740 You know what I mean?

00:04:18.600 That's just shit I can't do anymore, because I got a kid to feed.

00:04:22.000 So it's like, the energy that I have has to be, you know, making sure her homework's

00:04:26.600 done, watching her cartoons, getting my career right, going to the gym.

00:04:29.680 I can't be on Pornhub, you know, just whacking off into my belly button.

00:04:34.000 Wow.

00:04:34.320 That's...

00:04:34.540 I never thought about that.

00:04:35.540 Yeah.

00:04:35.720 If you're a dad, it must feel weird to jerk off then, does it?

00:04:38.720 Especially being a dad to a little girl.

00:04:40.480 It's like, you know, I just want...

00:04:42.160 Yeah.

00:04:42.260 I mean, there's still times where I'm just sitting alone and I flick around my piece a little

00:04:46.280 bit and just, you know, whatever.

00:04:48.100 You know, if a little glue comes out, a little glue comes out.

00:04:50.080 But it's one of those things where it's like, I'm not actively looking to jerk off.

00:04:53.420 Now I only jerk off...

00:04:54.780 Like, I've been out in LA for four days in a hotel room, so it's like, that's usually

00:04:57.740 when you pound your nuts the most.

00:04:59.800 And I haven't jerked off once.

00:05:01.100 Are you serious?

00:05:01.580 Not one time, man.

00:05:02.440 And it hasn't been like...

00:05:03.360 It hasn't been a proactive, I'm not doing this.

00:05:06.800 It's just been like, I've been tired.

00:05:09.860 You know, I'll FaceTime my daughter.

00:05:11.900 And it's like, you know, when you're FaceTiming a three-year-old, like, you don't jerk off

00:05:16.540 for a couple of days, man.

00:05:17.740 Thank God, bro.

00:05:18.260 You can't, bro.

00:05:19.060 Yeah.

00:05:19.280 You can't.

00:05:19.780 I should start doing that, then.

00:05:21.240 I should start...

00:05:22.180 You'd be a great father, man.

00:05:23.560 Really, you think?

00:05:24.040 I think you should.

00:05:24.700 I think you should do it.

00:05:25.640 I really think you should do it.

00:05:27.080 Now, Woody, now you're out of wedlock.

00:05:28.640 You have a child out of wedlock, don't you?

00:05:29.580 I have a child out of wedlock, unfortunately.

00:05:32.140 And is that good or bad?

00:05:34.320 For me, personally, I think it's good.

00:05:36.720 And the kid doesn't like you.

00:05:37.680 I've seen her on Instagram.

00:05:38.560 The kid does not like me.

00:05:39.340 My daughter does not like me.

00:05:40.080 She doesn't think I got my special, you know, because I got it already.

00:05:43.260 Yeah.

00:05:43.460 And I played it for her, and for 45 minutes, she stared at the TV.

00:05:45.920 That's crazy.

00:05:46.300 She just didn't.

00:05:46.920 She didn't laugh once.

00:05:47.780 She didn't even play with her doll.

00:05:48.760 She didn't walk away.

00:05:49.800 She just looked emotionless at the TV.

00:05:51.460 I'll post that video when the special comes out.

00:05:53.500 Emotionless at the TV for about 45 minutes, and then asked for some hamburger helper.

00:05:57.320 Yeah.

00:05:57.360 When it was over, that's what it was.

00:05:59.340 Now, she does honestly sound like my kind of lady.

00:06:01.660 Yo.

00:06:02.460 She, like...

00:06:02.940 You know, stares blankly at the TV and then devours a little bit of hamburger helper.

00:06:05.780 Yeah, she wanted it.

00:06:06.360 She was like, Daddy, can we get some hamburger helper?

00:06:08.280 Definitely a date that I could do.

00:06:10.720 But I've seen her on your Instagram story.

00:06:12.860 She never likes you.

00:06:13.660 You take her to school.

00:06:14.620 I do everything, man.

00:06:15.280 She gives you a hard time.

00:06:15.700 I can't be any more involved of a father than I am.

00:06:20.240 And she's a child.

00:06:21.060 How old is she?

00:06:21.660 She's three and a half years old.

00:06:23.020 Oh, wow.

00:06:23.480 And so she's half Puerto Rican, half Italian.

00:06:25.540 Yeah.

00:06:26.000 And her mom is a great lady.

00:06:27.600 Her mom's a great lady.

00:06:28.580 I love and support...

00:06:29.000 Don't give her any matches, bro.

00:06:30.020 She'll fucking burn that shit out.

00:06:31.780 No, I love and support her mom.

00:06:34.200 It just didn't work out with us romantically.

00:06:35.900 Yeah.

00:06:36.040 But we're very good co-parents.

00:06:37.820 And I think, you know, when you asked me before, is that I think it's better to have

00:06:42.460 my child raised around actual real love and two people that really love her as opposed

00:06:47.660 to seeing two people who are like being half shells of themselves because they don't really

00:06:50.660 love each other.

00:06:52.040 You know what I mean?

00:06:52.560 It's funny you say that, man.

00:06:53.400 I was just texting.

00:06:55.720 I'd been seeing this gal and we separated and then we were just texting yesterday and

00:07:01.840 it was like, you know, maybe sometime we would just have a child, you know?

00:07:05.520 You should do it.

00:07:06.200 Just to like...

00:07:06.860 Because I know that she would be a loving parent.

00:07:09.140 Right.

00:07:09.300 Like, that's the thing.

00:07:09.840 I even made...

00:07:10.420 I remember years ago, I remember I made a deal though with that girl and it was like,

00:07:13.840 hey, if by 30...

00:07:14.960 Yeah.

00:07:15.480 We don't have any kids.

00:07:16.560 We're going to have a kid.

00:07:17.520 And then I remember like 30, like the night I turned 30, like 12.01 a.m.

00:07:22.020 I get a text and she's like, what's up?

00:07:24.700 She remembered.

00:07:25.400 Yeah.

00:07:25.520 And I was like, ah, you know?

00:07:26.900 You know what I feel like having a child has done for me big time?

00:07:30.640 Is it...

00:07:31.020 She saves me.

00:07:31.680 My daughter saves me in many ways from like the tough things that we go through in our

00:07:36.500 career.

00:07:36.880 Like if we don't...

00:07:37.680 If we go out for an audition and don't get something or we have a pilot doesn't get

00:07:40.940 picked up.

00:07:41.560 I don't wallow in my sorrows.

00:07:43.740 I don't drink.

00:07:44.280 I don't commiserate with my boys.

00:07:45.620 I don't say, fuck them, fuck that.

00:07:47.500 It's like I...

00:07:48.780 That energy, I get...

00:07:49.920 I'm sad for a few minutes about it.

00:07:51.520 But I got...

00:07:52.240 My daughter saves me in a sense like she doesn't care.

00:07:54.860 Like when I had a pilot with CBS.

00:07:56.400 Right.

00:07:56.820 And it didn't get picked up and I...

00:07:58.580 Yeah, I auditioned for that pilot.

00:07:59.420 Yeah, I remember.

00:07:59.980 And I didn't get in it.

00:08:00.780 And he didn't...

00:08:01.180 Well, thank God you didn't get in it because now it's in the fucking toilet.

00:08:03.480 Jesus Christ, dude.

00:08:03.920 Yeah.

00:08:04.300 It's a piece of shit.

00:08:04.900 It's all Les Moonves' fault.

00:08:06.060 Oh, God.

00:08:06.620 Yeah.

00:08:06.920 Yeah.

00:08:07.220 Didn't he get busted for touching somebody?

00:08:08.760 Yeah.

00:08:08.960 And it's like, you know what, man?

00:08:09.780 If you would have picked up my show, you would have the protection of the Stefano family

00:08:12.480 in this recent troubles.

00:08:14.080 But now you're out on your own, player.

00:08:15.300 Yeah.

00:08:21.520 Like, because it was like my whole world came down.

00:08:24.120 I was like, oh, I'm sorry.

00:08:25.060 You know, daddy's thing that he was doing out there, it didn't get picked up.

00:08:27.720 And, you know, apologizing to her, which was silly.

00:08:31.560 You know, I didn't...

00:08:32.060 But all she said was, you know, at the end she let me finish.

00:08:35.240 She was like, let's watch Mickey Mouse.

00:08:36.760 And then so she was hearing me and, you know, she's two years old.

00:08:40.300 So, like, she has nothing to respond to.

00:08:41.500 She was like, look, basically what I got from that is like, she was like, you're my dad.

00:08:45.280 I don't care what you're doing.

00:08:46.280 If you're here, I want to watch Mickey Mouse with you.

00:08:48.120 Like, that's what's important to me.

00:08:49.760 So, don't apologize to me for not getting a TV show on the air.

00:08:53.100 Like, I don't care.

00:08:53.820 And I feel like, biologically, my daughter saves me from that.

00:08:57.820 And it also helps me with conserving my energy.

00:09:00.880 Like, I don't give energy to stuff that's silly.

00:09:03.500 Like, going back and forth in a text fight or an Instagram fight or, like I said, wallowing in my sorrows.

00:09:10.400 It's like, I can't, man.

00:09:11.620 I got to give my energy to raise my daughter.

00:09:14.040 So, biologically, I think a child has saved me.

00:09:16.360 Because at first, my peers were like, when all this shit first happened, like, you're dumb, man.

00:09:20.460 Oh, yeah.

00:09:21.040 I wouldn't have that baby.

00:09:22.440 It's going to, and it's all, all of a sudden, it's enhanced my career.

00:09:25.840 Wow.

00:09:26.160 Really?

00:09:26.320 That's all of a sudden, it's enhanced.

00:09:27.400 Anything that I've gotten, I own a home now.

00:09:30.420 Oh, you look nice.

00:09:31.220 You used to wear hockey jerseys.

00:09:32.360 Dude, I used to wear fucking hockey.

00:09:33.660 No, bro.

00:09:34.080 Remember when we used to fight on Opie?

00:09:35.340 You ever seen those fights on Opie when he said, I look Dutch?

00:09:38.140 And then I told him, he looked like Eileen Wuornos, the first female serial killer they ever killed.

00:09:43.160 I was actually looking at the comments on the YouTube ones.

00:09:46.500 A successful female serial killer, too.

00:09:48.880 I was looking at the comments once.

00:09:50.540 Oh, my God, dude.

00:09:51.200 I was getting fucking crushed by your fans.

00:09:53.640 Yeah, well, look at you.

00:09:53.980 They hated me, bro.

00:09:55.420 Hated me.

00:09:56.120 Did they?

00:09:56.560 Oh, my God.

00:09:57.280 They were like, this fucking bum.

00:09:58.880 They were crushed.

00:09:59.940 Bro, you literally won that fight.

00:10:01.900 Bro, you look like a skinhead that's afraid to go all the way, bro.

00:10:03.500 I'm talking about, like, if you look at the first 100 comments, 95 of them are like, Theo rocks.

00:10:11.220 And then five of them are like, Chris is good, but he still sounds deaf.

00:10:15.260 You said I look like a deaf guy that goes to the gym.

00:10:17.120 Oh, dude.

00:10:17.600 It's hilarious, bro.

00:10:18.620 You look like a deaf leper.

00:10:20.140 Yeah, now everybody else, now Opie and Carl and Sherrod are all dead.

00:10:23.500 Oh, you look like the strongest deaf person ever.

00:10:26.200 Yeah, dude.

00:10:26.960 Dude, if you were real, real quiet and entered a contest for the strongest deaf person, you would win.

00:10:33.300 But here's the problem.

00:10:34.000 You would fuck it up, bro, because you'd want to tell a joke.

00:10:37.260 And then your hair, I remember you didn't have a hat on, and I said, your hair looked like the Michigan State Spartan helmet.

00:10:43.120 And then I remember that.

00:10:45.760 And then you told me.

00:10:46.740 Let's see that helmet real quick.

00:10:47.380 And then, you know what you said to me that was so fucking funny?

00:10:49.740 You said, dude, if you could meet yourself, you would hate it.

00:10:53.120 Right there, up.

00:10:53.940 Yeah.

00:10:55.040 Dude, that was epic shit.

00:10:57.060 That was a dope fight.

00:10:58.140 Damn, I do look like that.

00:10:59.680 Fuck, same nose, too.

00:11:01.720 Not anymore.

00:11:03.120 You're fine now, son.

00:11:05.580 You're fine, girl.

00:11:06.660 Really?

00:11:07.200 Yeah.

00:11:08.680 Girl, your whole career is fucking blown up.

00:11:11.680 You got a real career now, man.

00:11:12.980 You go out there, you sell tickets.

00:11:14.280 You're not playing bananas in New Jersey to 10 people like me.

00:11:17.460 Oh, yeah.

00:11:18.300 Well, I went over there and played it by the railroad track.

00:11:20.200 Yeah.

00:11:20.520 There was a fire on a train while I was on stage, right?

00:11:22.900 I believe you, man.

00:11:23.500 Half the people, right?

00:11:24.720 What's it like now where you go to a place and the tickets are sold?

00:11:27.220 It's got to be a great feeling at this point, right?

00:11:29.600 Yeah, I guess it, I mean, it definitely is, it is different.

00:11:32.800 You know what's funny?

00:11:33.800 It's like you can't, you almost forget what it was like when it wasn't.

00:11:39.540 Interesting.

00:11:40.220 And you forget, and you just almost forget about it quick.

00:11:42.560 And you also get nervous that like, you know, I feel more pressure now to make jokes.

00:11:49.280 Right.

00:11:49.800 Where before I just felt a pressure to be myself.

00:11:52.120 Right.

00:11:52.440 But now it's like they want to be funny.

00:11:53.800 They pay good money to see you.

00:11:54.860 Right, and now I feel a little bit of that all the time and some of it I don't like and

00:11:58.080 somehow I'm trying to find ways in my own life to get back into a place where I just

00:12:02.500 feel like that pressure isn't there, you know?

00:12:06.540 Even in like a day-to-day basis, you know, like, I mean, Nick's done so much to help

00:12:11.740 our podcast grow and like Instagram and like, you know, he really championed a lot of different

00:12:16.040 ideas and, you know, so it's been...

00:12:18.580 Everything you guys got is professional as far as like the cameras, you know, the content.

00:12:23.500 It's all like...

00:12:24.580 It's like podcasting is a business now.

00:12:26.360 It's almost like for our friends who don't have podcasts like and who still think like

00:12:30.360 doing a late night set matters, it's like you're...

00:12:33.200 That shit is so 2010.

00:12:34.580 You're out of your mind.

00:12:35.860 It's 2019.

00:12:36.800 Yeah.

00:12:37.040 The only way to get ahead is to...

00:12:38.820 Like, you know, having somebody out here like a Joe Rogan, like, you know, all you guys,

00:12:43.780 you know, like that's like being on The Tonight Show.

00:12:45.820 Like, you guys, so like, you know, Johnny Carson was like the guy and then like all the comedians

00:12:50.480 we've ever heard of, Seinfeld, Ray Romano, all these guys who blew up and became icons

00:12:54.760 did so through Carson and now I feel like it's Joe Rogan.

00:12:57.600 It's like now you got, you know, you, Burr Kreischer, Tom Segura, all these guys that are

00:13:02.780 selling more tickets than anybody.

00:13:04.320 What's the common theme?

00:13:05.740 You know, you guys all, you know, crushed it when you came on Rogan.

00:13:09.200 You all crushed it and then...

00:13:10.660 Because it's one thing, it's like comedians can go on big podcasts and not do well and then

00:13:14.880 nothing happens.

00:13:15.720 So it's like one of those things, you guys were all, you guys were all great and then

00:13:19.180 you guys all went on the episodes and crushed.

00:13:20.860 So it's like now his fans become your fans, but now it's not even, now it's your fans.

00:13:24.940 So now it's like when you go, yeah, maybe the first time they heard of you was through

00:13:28.200 this guy or through that.

00:13:28.940 Everybody needs a godfather, you know, but now it's like, yo, you've converted real fans

00:13:33.340 and I think the only way that we can do that now in 2019 is through podcasting.

00:13:37.020 So when I came out here to promote my special, I was like, man, I want to do Bert and I want

00:13:41.100 to do Theo.

00:13:41.540 I would love to have done Rogan, but it's not possible right now for me.

00:13:44.600 I got to get to the next level.

00:13:46.180 But I was like, that's more important to me than doing any late night shit.

00:13:49.980 Like the late night bookers were like, oh, you know, because it's so PC now.

00:13:53.160 They're like, oh, I had jokes about my daughter being Puerto Rican and, you know, and they were

00:13:57.860 on my Comedy Central special because one thing I'll say about Comedy Central is they're about

00:14:01.160 the comedian first.

00:14:02.160 That's why it's dope.

00:14:02.980 That's why like specials that come out on Comedy Central are dope because the executives there

00:14:09.840 are not scared.

00:14:10.720 They're like, no, no, no, this is the name comedy is in our network.

00:14:13.320 Right.

00:14:13.560 So if you think that shit's funny, even if it's crossing the line and whatever, then we'll

00:14:17.540 stand by you and we'll protect you.

00:14:18.900 So that's pretty true.

00:14:19.800 I've seen some of Ron Funch's clips and his just did really well.

00:14:22.260 And I saw some of his clips where he called his son the N-word.

00:14:25.940 Yeah, man.

00:14:26.600 And I respect it.

00:14:27.900 It was just like, that's, it was so funny.

00:14:30.060 Yeah, dude.

00:14:30.740 But for them to be willing to also put that out.

00:14:32.680 Yeah.

00:14:33.120 And I just saw one of yours too, actually.

00:14:34.880 They started putting clips of yours on, didn't they?

00:14:35.820 They started putting clips of mine up now.

00:14:37.020 So I just saw one yesterday.

00:14:38.260 So I have a clip.

00:14:38.900 Actually, one of the clips I put up is me impersonating my daughter.

00:14:42.540 Can we play it or not?

00:14:43.500 Yeah, sure.

00:14:43.920 I don't care.

00:14:44.500 Will we get in trouble for playing that, Nick?

00:14:45.880 Mm-mm.

00:14:46.400 Well, where is it posted?

00:14:48.320 It's on my Instagram.

00:14:49.180 Okay, yeah.

00:14:49.660 That'll be fine.

00:14:50.520 And his daughter's Puerto Rican, dude.

00:14:51.760 Yeah, my Puerto Rican.

00:14:52.440 Oh, well, actually, the clip that I was on my Instagram, I'm going to post the daughter

00:14:55.320 one tomorrow.

00:14:55.840 The clip that's on my-

00:14:56.660 Build that crib.

00:14:57.560 You know what I'm saying, bro?

00:14:58.380 Fuck yeah, baby.

00:14:58.860 Let's fucking get these kids locked down.

00:15:01.120 They said I couldn't do it on late night, or I could do those jokes, but I couldn't impersonate

00:15:06.700 and put on a Puerto Rican accent because I'm not Puerto Rican.

00:15:08.800 And it's like, that's such bullshit.

00:15:11.260 Like, it's my daughter.

00:15:12.560 You know what I mean?

00:15:13.340 It's my kid.

00:15:14.200 It's your kid.

00:15:14.780 And you know what's funny is they'll let anybody get on there and impersonate somebody from

00:15:17.880 the South or somebody from the Midwest or somebody who they think is uneducated, as long as the

00:15:22.960 uneducated person isn't black or black.

00:15:25.280 But if it's like they're white and uneducated, then it's fine.

00:15:27.880 But the thing is, the people that are in all these networks, they're fucking white.

00:15:30.540 Yeah, but that's why what you have, the type of success you have and the way that you're

00:15:35.780 selling tickets now is so powerful because you could, not that you're a scandalous dude,

00:15:40.700 unless do you still finger women?

00:15:41.820 Do you still get paid to finger women?

00:15:42.840 Don't do that anymore.

00:15:43.560 Okay, so you're not a scandalous dude.

00:15:45.700 And it's like, even if you said something that was out of bounds unintentionally, your

00:15:51.480 fans are still going to be there, man.

00:15:52.620 You're still going to go to wherever place and sell out that theater where some of these

00:15:55.300 dudes are comedian friends who are tied up with these on these networks.

00:15:59.080 Like, they say one shit their fucking career is done.

00:16:01.360 You know, everything will be taken away from them.

00:16:02.580 But you got real fans that fuck with you.

00:16:05.120 And you could say whatever you want to them because they're like, and that's what I want.

00:16:08.460 That's what you guys have out here.

00:16:10.020 And that's what I'm going after.

00:16:10.800 Like, I got a podcast called The History Hyenas.

00:16:13.600 Yeah, and it's you and Giannis Pappas.

00:16:14.800 Me and Giannis Pappas.

00:16:15.700 And we go fucking wild on that podcast.

00:16:17.420 And he's, where's he from?

00:16:18.420 He's Greek, isn't he?

00:16:19.100 He's Greek, yeah.

00:16:20.000 We go wild.

00:16:20.580 And our fans, you know, they're not as powerful and big as your guys' fan bases yet.

00:16:24.640 But it's like, you know, we're trying to get there, man.

00:16:26.820 We just, it's unfiltered shit.

00:16:28.400 We're talking about history, but we're being honest about shit, you know?

00:16:31.560 Yeah.

00:16:31.720 So, it's dope.

00:16:32.600 Well, you certainly deserve it, man.

00:16:33.680 You and Andrew Schultz are two, like, the funniest guys that I always think about all the time.

00:16:36.900 Schultz is, Schultz's got a career that's, like you, man.

00:16:40.260 Yeah.

00:16:40.660 Schultz, wherever he goes, he sells out.

00:16:42.680 And he put his shit on, every network's to know to Schultz.

00:16:45.260 I know.

00:16:45.480 Everybody, everybody's to know to his hour special.

00:16:47.660 Every single big one.

00:16:48.220 Yeah, they said he was like a male show.

00:16:51.040 I heard all kinds of weird things.

00:16:51.660 Whatever bullshit they said.

00:16:52.700 But he was the best comedian I saw when I was in New York.

00:16:55.320 Yep, now he's got millions and millions and millions of views.

00:16:58.180 And what does that translate to?

00:16:59.440 Ticket sales.

00:17:00.280 Yeah.

00:17:00.420 So, it's like, you know, you got to have this mindset where it's like, we got, the fans give us power.

00:17:04.960 Like, we, and we have, the fans have direct access to us, and we have direct access to them.

00:17:08.740 It wasn't like that in the 90s.

00:17:10.120 It's like, you know what I mean?

00:17:11.060 Like, Jerry Seinfeld could only be Seinfeld with one show on NBC, you know?

00:17:15.260 Right.

00:17:15.360 And there was only one big show.

00:17:16.840 There was a few networks.

00:17:17.700 It's like, now, with this oversaturation, it's like, man, you could walk past the theater that you have sold out, and people may not even recognize you.

00:17:27.660 Because they're sold out with your specific fans.

00:17:30.660 Whereas, like, back in the day, it's like, to be like a big, you know, if a guy was selling out theater tickets, he would not be able to get through the airport without having to take a thousand autographs.

00:17:38.600 Right.

00:17:38.880 But shit's different now.

00:17:39.860 Like John Wayne or.

00:17:40.960 Yeah, man.

00:17:41.700 It's like.

00:17:42.280 Who else?

00:17:42.860 John fucking Marilyn Monroe?

00:17:46.520 No.

00:17:47.160 Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

00:17:48.540 Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

00:17:49.060 I'm talking about an entertainer, though.

00:17:50.220 Maybe John Newton.

00:17:51.540 That's who I'm thinking of.

00:17:52.280 John Newton.

00:17:53.700 Let's play the clip real quick.

00:17:54.980 I fucking hate myself.

00:17:55.860 Not Olivia Newton.

00:17:56.840 I hate myself.

00:17:57.360 This is about my baby mama.

00:17:58.480 Is it?

00:17:58.860 Let's see.

00:17:59.080 You date a Puerto Rican girl, you need to have the answers quick.

00:18:02.060 You need to, like, have facts right away.

00:18:04.140 Because they will interrogate you, and if you don't have the answers quick, you look like a liar.

00:18:07.620 And they watch men.

00:18:09.020 They are designed to watch men.

00:18:11.200 Watching.

00:18:11.800 Waiting.

00:18:12.080 That's what they do.

00:18:12.960 They make excellent NFL referees.

00:18:14.980 I think if you had Puerto Rican girls reffing the games, you'd have zero missed calls the whole season because they see everything.

00:18:21.740 That's just what they.

00:18:23.380 Could you imagine they were the refs?

00:18:24.920 They would be right there like, um, you out of bounds, stupid.

00:18:27.740 No.

00:18:28.920 No.

00:18:31.820 I mean.

00:18:32.980 Did you just put that up today?

00:18:34.640 Uh, yesterday.

00:18:35.120 You out of bounds.

00:18:35.560 That's awesome.

00:18:36.260 Yeah.

00:18:36.480 I don't need instant replay.

00:18:38.940 I, I instantly saw you step out of bounds.

00:18:42.040 So.

00:18:43.300 No.

00:18:45.840 I mean.

00:18:46.840 I don't even know the rules.

00:18:47.940 Just go home.

00:18:48.700 Bye.

00:18:50.180 You out of the game.

00:18:50.720 Dude, I love this.

00:18:51.660 Yeah.

00:18:51.980 And they told me I can't do that shit on late night because I'm impersonating a Puerto Ricans.

00:18:55.040 That's so funny.

00:18:55.540 How wild is that?

00:18:56.640 Yeah.

00:18:56.820 Isn't it?

00:18:57.120 We live in a fucking twilight zone kind of world, man.

00:19:00.060 We truly do.

00:19:00.240 It's a zone that's eating itself like that.

00:19:02.260 Yeah.

00:19:02.400 All that stuff.

00:19:03.160 It's like, dude, I remember for years, you know, they said, well, you can't do comedy

00:19:06.960 because you were on a reality television show.

00:19:09.320 All right.

00:19:09.680 Yeah.

00:19:09.800 And then they said, well, you, um, you know, uh, then they'll say, oh, well, you know,

00:19:14.600 we don't, we don't need a Southern guy.

00:19:16.100 We don't need this.

00:19:16.860 And like, and there was even no opportunities.

00:19:18.580 There's no shows even.

00:19:19.720 And I'm not even a, I mean, I'm from the South, but I don't like, you're not like a Larry

00:19:23.720 the cable guy, Southern comedian.

00:19:25.420 Yeah.

00:19:25.580 I don't identify with, I mean, I identify just with like, I mean, if anything, I identify

00:19:30.140 with somebody who doesn't feel like they are valued.

00:19:34.760 Right.

00:19:35.260 And that could be anyone.

00:19:36.500 That could be anyone.

00:19:37.540 There you go.

00:19:38.140 Yeah.

00:19:38.380 See, I, and yeah.

00:19:39.160 And I feel like my comedy is for anyone who, you know, is, is kind of like misinterpreted

00:19:45.460 where like you would look at me and think I'm going to talk about, you know, whatever

00:19:49.000 football and sports and banging chicks, but I'm really just talking about anxiety and

00:19:53.040 and Nutella.

00:19:54.420 Let's be honest.

00:19:55.020 Banging dudes.

00:19:55.720 Okay.

00:19:56.040 Yeah.

00:19:56.320 Shout out grinder, man.

00:19:57.180 Well, some chicks, but no, I've had a chick or two.

00:20:00.400 Yeah.

00:20:00.620 I don't, that's another thing, man.

00:20:02.500 Here's the, here's what I learned about myself.

00:20:04.160 I'm the kind of dude.

00:20:05.520 I fall in love with men, but I have sex with women.

00:20:07.840 Yeah.

00:20:08.160 Like I'm in love.

00:20:08.820 I could fall in love with you, dude.

00:20:10.180 Like we go to the beach.

00:20:11.080 We could chill.

00:20:11.540 Like I could do this all day.

00:20:12.440 I'm not trying to have sex with you, but I want to have sex with a woman.

00:20:14.880 Like you'll get me horny and I'll bang out a chick.

00:20:16.980 Oh, I like that.

00:20:17.520 Isn't that wild?

00:20:18.480 Yeah.

00:20:18.760 That's a wild fucking kind of brain to have, right?

00:20:20.360 Like tell your friend, Hey Amber, come over, bring Keith over for a little bit too.

00:20:24.100 Yeah.

00:20:24.440 You know?

00:20:24.880 Yeah.

00:20:25.080 I want to talk to Keith about, about football and stuff and about like what he feels about

00:20:29.400 shit, but then I want to get in, in, in your pussy.

00:20:31.940 Yeah.

00:20:32.300 Yeah.

00:20:32.460 But I don't want to talk to you.

00:20:33.380 That's fucking wild.

00:20:34.260 Oh, that's wild, man.

00:20:35.220 Yeah.

00:20:35.800 It is interesting, man.

00:20:37.000 It's a, you know, it's, it's a, it's got good hair, bro.

00:20:42.320 I do.

00:20:42.840 Yeah, dude.

00:20:43.420 I just fucking wish I could grow my shit out like that.

00:20:45.940 I can't though.

00:20:47.120 Bro, you, I wonder how you would look with long hair.

00:20:49.840 Yo, I would fucking.

00:20:50.700 Do you have it?

00:20:51.220 Didn't you used to have a ponytail?

00:20:52.220 Somebody said, nah, never, bro.

00:20:53.660 Somebody said you used to work on like a, on one of those, like, um, like daytime cruise

00:20:57.900 boats in Jamaica.

00:20:59.060 You're like the white dude with the ponytail.

00:21:01.500 Dude, you know what we should do?

00:21:02.560 Me and you, we should do a, like a boxing match for charity and the winner has to get

00:21:06.340 the other guy's haircut.

00:21:07.880 Yeah.

00:21:08.580 Yeah.

00:21:09.020 You got to come up with this fucking shit.

00:21:10.600 I will never do a boxing match for charity.

00:21:13.160 It's a great way to end your career.

00:21:15.940 It's like, Hey, they always set you up against somebody who's going to beat your ass.

00:21:20.080 Yeah.

00:21:20.640 Nah, dude.

00:21:21.040 I feel like you could catch me, man.

00:21:22.360 You can catch me on the chin once.

00:21:23.900 I'd be done.

00:21:24.680 Dude, if I, I can't, nah, I couldn't do it, man.

00:21:27.940 Um, but it's so interesting.

00:21:29.160 The stuff that you're saying just about like, like, uh, the industry and like people doing

00:21:34.340 their own thing.

00:21:35.220 I remember after I went on Joe Rogan, when I went on Joe Rogan's podcast and I left out

00:21:39.280 of there and I was like, man, he, he has his own thing.

00:21:43.540 Right.

00:21:43.960 You know?

00:21:44.280 Right.

00:21:44.640 Yeah.

00:21:44.900 And it really inspired me.

00:21:45.960 I was like, Oh wow.

00:21:46.640 I could do, I could do my own thing.

00:21:49.560 You know?

00:21:49.660 I mean, dude, look, look, look at all like the big interviews of the last year.

00:21:52.520 You know, like the big gets, Elon Musk, you know, Barack Kanye West is like, people can't

00:21:58.000 wait for anything.

00:21:58.440 Mike Tyson today.

00:21:59.400 Mike Tyson today.

00:22:00.380 That shit used to be Barbara Walters, man.

00:22:02.040 That was Barbara Walters 2020.

00:22:03.620 That's how the country tuned in to that.

00:22:05.420 Now you go to Joe Rogan.

00:22:06.700 Yeah.

00:22:06.940 So it's like one of those things where, you know, to have a dude like that as like a,

00:22:12.280 as like a gatekeeper is, uh, it's cool.

00:22:14.500 I just wish I knew if I lived out here, I hope I would get to know him better.

00:22:17.800 But that's the only, that's the only issue still holding New York back is a lot of the

00:22:21.860 dudes that are really popping off, you know, with podcasts and you guys are out here.

00:22:25.500 We have guys in New York like Ari Shaffir and them and it's, it's awesome to do their

00:22:28.500 shows, but like popping off, popping off like you guys, it's not, we don't have that

00:22:32.740 really yet in New York.

00:22:34.020 Yeah.

00:22:34.120 I mean, I feel pretty fortunate.

00:22:35.380 Yeah.

00:22:35.540 Like even this, I get to hang around some of those guys, like does somebody send us this

00:22:38.320 picture that a man made?

00:22:39.620 Yeah.

00:22:39.840 It's fucking dope.

00:22:40.940 Yeah.

00:22:41.080 I mean, I was so nervous.

00:22:42.100 Like I, even when I first went on Joe Rogan's, I was so nervous.

00:22:45.500 And even this time I was still a little bit nervous.

00:22:48.020 It's like, cause you almost feel like it is the tonight show in some ways kill on

00:22:51.740 it, man.

00:22:52.020 But then it's also like trying to get to know him and like, yeah, the most time we

00:22:55.120 ever spend together is on there when we spend time together at the comedy store, but it's

00:22:57.940 not like you're sitting down, really being able to communicate one.

00:23:01.400 And see, and see, that's what I like about, you know, podcast, his podcast and, and all

00:23:04.780 you guys podcasts and every podcast thing is like, if, if you gain fans, if, if I step

00:23:09.540 out of here, like say today, if I step out of here and I've gained some of your

00:23:12.120 fans, I didn't fool them because we were talking for an hour, like a late night set

00:23:17.100 or a five minute thing.

00:23:17.860 You could fool somebody like see their five minutes at the comedy store or whatever, like

00:23:20.760 all that dude ripped.

00:23:21.600 And then you go watch it out.

00:23:22.400 It's like, Oh, it's suck.

00:23:23.160 If you're listening to me for over an hour and you're in, then you're in, I can't, I

00:23:28.840 can't fool you, man.

00:23:30.020 But after an hour, you're like, I don't fuck with this dude.

00:23:31.800 Then you're never going to fuck with me.

00:23:32.760 And that's okay too.

00:23:33.680 But that's why I'm saying like, that's what I mentioned before.

00:23:36.000 It's like, you could go on these big guys podcasts and a lot of comedians just come

00:23:38.840 and go on them, but to be able to stick and get their fans, that means like you really

00:23:42.960 move them.

00:23:43.720 And then now they're your fans.

00:23:45.180 You know what I mean?

00:23:46.080 And that's what I want with my career.

00:23:47.620 I just want like, it's going to happen.

00:23:49.240 I want it's happening.

00:23:50.420 Well, no, I want one of the, I want to be one of those guys though.

00:23:52.580 Like my people always ask me like, Oh, what's your goals and shit?

00:23:54.660 And like my goal, number one is sell tickets.

00:23:56.780 And number two, I know it's subjective and it's like people say, don't care what people

00:24:01.200 think.

00:24:01.540 And that's true to a degree, but I think it is important to have respect from your peers.

00:24:04.960 I want my peers in common to be like, Hey, Chris would be funny in any

00:24:08.640 decade.

00:24:09.180 He's not just funny because of the parameters of 2019.

00:24:11.900 He's not just funny because he's saying some politically correct charge message that is

00:24:16.700 getting claps that yes, he's getting, you know, accolades for now, but it's really only

00:24:20.120 he's getting accolades because times have changed.

00:24:21.940 I want to be like, yo, that dude would have been funny in 1979 and he's funny in 2019.

00:24:26.400 And there's really no objective way to measure that.

00:24:28.880 That would just be subjectively through my peers being like, Oh, you know, that's how we feel

00:24:33.400 about you.

00:24:33.800 So that's, that's what my goal is.

00:24:35.140 Do you feel like most comedians feel like you're very funny though?

00:24:37.320 There's no doubt about that.

00:24:38.640 I think, I think, you know what it is, man?

00:24:40.340 I think once I started to get in New York, like the OGs out here, like you guys, you

00:24:44.500 know, like, you know, you got Joe Rogan's and, and, and, um, you know, Mark Maron and

00:24:48.620 guys that have been out here for a long time.

00:24:50.100 Like our OGs are like Colin Quinn, Dave Attell, Bobby Kelly.

00:24:54.700 They know.

00:24:55.280 These are like the OGs at the Comedy Cellar.

00:24:56.720 So those guys are, you know, I get invited to those guys barbecues and I work with those

00:25:00.740 guys and they invite me to shows like, like Colin Quinn is like a personal friend of

00:25:04.920 mine.

00:25:05.300 So that's more, that's more validation for me than any late night shit I ever did.

00:25:09.920 Any TV show I ever did.

00:25:10.880 It's like the validation comes from the peers.

00:25:12.380 Like if Colin Quinn's saying, Hey, I put my stamp on this guy, then that's good enough.

00:25:16.380 You know what I mean?

00:25:17.380 Yeah, man.

00:25:17.960 I mean, you're, I feel like you have just such a great story.

00:25:20.340 Were you bummed that the, um, how did that feel?

00:25:22.620 Obviously you were bummed and you said that the daughter kind of changed it for you, but

00:25:25.840 did you feel like, was there a moment when the, the pilot that you had, you didn't go?

00:25:30.700 You were like, I was fucked up, man.

00:25:32.400 I mean, you know, it happened.

00:25:34.600 I was in San Francisco and they told me and the flight was taking off.

00:25:37.620 Like literally where, you know, you know, like when you turn on your phone on airplane

00:25:40.420 mode, that last second, as the plane starts to accelerate, that's what I was doing.

00:25:43.980 And it was like, my thumb was like halfway to that airplane mode.

00:25:47.080 And the text, you know, came in on the top of the screen from my manager, CBS pass.

00:25:51.000 Sorry, bud.

00:25:52.020 And that's, you know what I mean?

00:25:53.160 And then, so it was just like airplane mode hit it.

00:25:55.740 And it was just like, I got, you know, I listen, I, I licked my wounds.

00:25:58.700 I said, you know what, for five hours while I'm in these guys, I'm going to have a few

00:26:01.920 drinks.

00:26:02.680 I'm going to fucking let loose.

00:26:04.180 I'm going to be upset.

00:26:05.140 I'm going to go on there.

00:26:05.820 Anybody cool on the plane?

00:26:06.860 No, no, no.

00:26:07.260 It was just, it was just me.

00:26:08.380 You sit, buddy.

00:26:08.880 You remember that?

00:26:09.480 No, I don't even remember.

00:26:10.300 I was business class.

00:26:11.220 So I got the, I got the upgrade of business class luckily right before.

00:26:13.520 So there was some goodwill in it.

00:26:15.780 So, so I remember I just cried a little bit.

00:26:18.080 I just cried a little bit in the bathroom.

00:26:19.720 You really shed a tear now?

00:26:20.940 Absolutely.

00:26:21.360 Yeah.

00:26:21.480 Because I mean, dude, don't forget for that.

00:26:23.500 When they told me, it was 18 months of my life that was on hold, you know, 18 months

00:26:28.140 of my career where it's like, and, and, and, you know, they, they do a good job.

00:26:31.500 These networks of making you feel like you're the man and trust me, man, you're right here

00:26:34.940 when the reality was, you know, my shit.

00:26:37.340 And let's see, here's, here's, here's why it hurt a little bit more.

00:26:39.760 It's one of those things where it's like, if I'm playing a sport, like when I was, when

00:26:42.980 I was playing basketball, I would rather lose by a hundred than lose by one at the buzzer

00:26:46.840 in overtime.

00:26:47.240 Cause it's like the heart, at least a hundred, you could be like, all right, it ain't going to

00:26:50.280 happen.

00:26:50.540 Yeah.

00:26:51.040 So when they released the Friday in, in May, when they released, oh, you know, CBS has

00:26:56.020 greenlit these four shows, um, you know, we, we called my, my reps called CBS and they

00:27:00.800 were like, you know, thank you for the opportunity.

00:27:02.340 You know, we, we just saw the deadline article.

00:27:03.740 We didn't make it.

00:27:04.160 He said, no, no, no, no.

00:27:04.820 The CBS is like, no, no, no, no.

00:27:06.040 They're going to pick up a fifth show.

00:27:07.560 It's between your show and another show.

00:27:10.340 So he's not out yet.

00:27:11.680 We're, we're negotiating right now.

00:27:13.200 Les Moonves and powers that be at CBS are all talking about, and it took two hours, but they

00:27:18.700 picked the other show.

00:27:19.460 So, so what was the other show?

00:27:21.520 The other show was, um, wasn't that Malcolm in the middle?

00:27:24.660 No, no, no.

00:27:25.280 The other show was, was living biblically.

00:27:27.200 It got canceled after three episodes.

00:27:29.260 Yeah.

00:27:29.880 Yeah.

00:27:31.060 The other show was, dude.

00:27:32.040 And living is hard, bro.

00:27:34.320 Yeah.

00:27:34.960 First of all, you're trying to do it right now.

00:27:36.740 43 days in.

00:27:37.780 Dude, you got, you got to buy a bunch of robes.

00:27:39.960 Yo, you know?

00:27:40.820 Yeah.

00:27:41.000 You got to hide your favorite friend behind a rock.

00:27:43.120 No matter what the temperature is, you got to go out there and sandals.

00:27:45.720 Oh, living biblically.

00:27:47.880 The shit got canceled immediately.

00:27:49.800 Wow.

00:27:50.120 Who was in it?

00:27:51.180 I don't fucking know, man.

00:27:52.880 But it's just, that shit got canceled immediately.

00:27:56.420 And I was just like, yo.

00:27:57.880 I lost out.

00:27:58.880 What are some worse shows you could have lost out to?

00:28:01.640 Slacker Cats.

00:28:02.760 Slacker Cats, yeah.

00:28:04.320 Jamie Kennedy was in that.

00:28:05.560 You could have lost out to Gravity Hunters.

00:28:07.400 Yo.

00:28:07.740 That would have been bad.

00:28:09.180 Living Biblically fucking hurt, man.

00:28:11.900 Yo.

00:28:12.340 Did you watch Living Biblically?

00:28:13.740 Yeah, I honestly watched it really with an open mind.

00:28:17.400 Like a true open mind.

00:28:19.100 And I was like, yo, is it just me or does this shit suck dick?

00:28:23.280 And they were like, my boys were like, yo, this is the worst TV show I've ever fucking seen.

00:28:28.560 And then I waited the next day to like, you know, like they released like, you know, they

00:28:32.100 put it out, they released the ratings and, you know, like all variety.com deadline.

00:28:35.300 You know, their first episode of a TV show that, you know, they were fucking hating on

00:28:38.820 it.

00:28:39.160 They were like, who green?

00:28:40.200 So when somebody, somebody wrote on Variety, yeah, it was like, it said CBS takes a dump

00:28:46.020 on Monday nights with new pickup of Living Biblically.

00:28:49.520 That's what one of the headlines was.

00:28:51.300 And I was like, shit.

00:28:52.760 That's hectic.

00:28:53.520 You know?

00:28:53.920 Look, I like the Bible, but I'm just saying, if you get living biblically in a city.

00:28:58.540 It's a whack title too.

00:28:59.920 But I guess they feel like middle America, you know, they live biblically, like Iowa

00:29:03.400 lives biblically as far.

00:29:04.480 But they have no way to, that's another problem with Hollywood, man.

00:29:06.400 I've said this.

00:29:07.060 The people that work in Hollywood are third, fourth, fifth generation, you know, and it's

00:29:11.320 predominantly Jewish.

00:29:12.200 I mean, it's a Jewish business.

00:29:13.180 It's just like, you know, and so it's like, they don't have that much of a connection to,

00:29:17.380 well, they used to some, it used to be people that had moved, you know, people that had moved

00:29:21.520 to Los Angeles or New York from other parts of America.

00:29:24.720 Right.

00:29:25.020 But now it's just third, fourth generation.

00:29:26.760 So a lot of these people don't even know anyone.

00:29:29.640 Right.

00:29:29.980 They've never been to visit a family member in different parts of America.

00:29:32.680 So they have no way.

00:29:33.340 So of course it showed like living biblically to some mutant that has no idea what a half

00:29:39.400 of America is like.

00:29:40.400 And it's like, oh, that sounds good.

00:29:42.020 Like Los Angeles too.

00:29:43.140 And many parts of New York now, they feel like little islands off the coast of real

00:29:46.100 America.

00:29:46.460 Like you said, it's so disconnected.

00:29:47.960 Oh wow.

00:29:48.240 They really do.

00:29:48.760 It's like little islands off the coast.

00:29:50.140 Cause the actual real America doesn't, you know, the actual real America doesn't give

00:29:53.740 a fuck if there's a transgender Asian lead in a pilot.

00:29:58.280 They just want to be funny.

00:29:59.340 If the transgender Asian lead is funny, they're going to fuck with your show, but they don't

00:30:02.720 give a fuck.

00:30:03.420 So, so these people sit in these towers and, you know, first of all, some of the people

00:30:06.760 making decisions on my CBS show were in the accounting department three years ago.

00:30:10.360 And I'm not saying that to be funny.

00:30:11.380 I'm talking about, there was a dude who was giving me notes on my comedy who was in the accounting

00:30:15.940 department of CBS three years prior and just somehow moved up.

00:30:19.380 So it was like, so the one thing that I took away from it, the lesson that I have, cause

00:30:22.920 I really did learn shit.

00:30:24.000 You know, there's this, I feel like there's, you only learn through pain, right?

00:30:27.480 That that's really what I believe.

00:30:29.040 So, so when I went through that pain, man, you know, it, it hurt.

00:30:32.800 And then, but what I learned was this, I realized looking back in hindsight, so many

00:30:37.220 times I overrode my own gut.

00:30:40.700 I overrode my gut in the sense that I would let a CBS person tell me, Hey, it would be

00:30:45.620 funnier if you did this and it would be funnier if you do that.

00:30:47.960 And your comedy should be about this.

00:30:49.940 And I listened to them cause I said, you know what?

00:30:51.980 I'm going to listen to them and then I'm going to get my pilot on the air because it's

00:30:55.340 exactly what they want.

00:30:56.560 And then my, and then I can, and then I can, I'll do what I want to myself.

00:30:59.880 And they, the worst feeling in the world was not only having my pilot not picked up, but

00:31:03.760 looking at it.

00:31:04.520 And even though I was proud of it, cause the guys I created it with who created how I met

00:31:07.240 your mother were great dudes.

00:31:08.700 But when, when, when, when I looked at it, I said, you know what?

00:31:11.560 This was their, this was the, it turned into their comedy.

00:31:14.440 And I was like, I'll never do that again.

00:31:16.580 Like right now I got a cartoon in development with, with a comedy central about my life.

00:31:21.560 And it's like, I'm good.

00:31:22.700 I can work with teams.

00:31:23.520 I'll listen.

00:31:23.960 I'll listen.

00:31:24.360 I'll take a joke from somebody off the street.

00:31:25.680 Cause you never know gold is gold is out there.

00:31:27.500 But if my gut is telling me, no, this is not funny or no, this is not going to work.

00:31:31.700 Then I'm not going to override it anymore.

00:31:32.920 I'm going to say, nope, this is what I want.

00:31:34.480 Cause I want to at least live and die with my decisions, not somebody else's decisions that

00:31:38.560 I made.

00:31:39.080 Cause I thought it would help my career and it didn't.

00:31:42.020 And I learned that.

00:31:42.820 I learned that the hard way.

00:31:44.040 But now it's cause I hear this a lot.

00:31:45.780 Cause we're doing a pilot right now with comedy central, uh, called man up.

00:31:49.260 And it's based on like people call into the podcast.

00:31:52.000 No, it's unscripted.

00:31:52.940 So we had three digital episodes and they're online.

00:31:55.440 And a lot of our fans know, or a lot of our, you know, the crew that listens know about

00:31:59.400 them.

00:31:59.640 But, um, it's like, yep.

00:32:01.320 People call into the podcast and then we get meet up in person and try to help them

00:32:05.180 with some sort of situation that's going on in their life and maybe not help, but just

00:32:09.780 be part of their life.

00:32:11.320 That's dope.

00:32:11.820 You know?

00:32:12.300 So, um, but yeah, there's some ideas where I'm like, oh, I know this would be super funny.

00:32:16.980 And then I've gotten other ideas from the network to like, well, why don't we do this?

00:32:20.800 And sometimes I'm like, and then the producers will be like, well, if you do what they are

00:32:26.060 saying, then they, cause they're going to be some of the ones that are going to make the

00:32:29.440 decision.

00:32:29.980 That ain't true though.

00:32:30.780 Because the truth is the truth is, well, first thing I'll say this, and I mean this,

00:32:34.280 I'm not just saying this cause I have a special on them and I have an overall deal with them.

00:32:36.800 I truly, from my heart, the, the executives I've worked with, at least in New York on

00:32:40.920 at comedy central, and I know some LA dudes and they're all, I put them in the same vein.

00:32:44.940 They are about funny first and they at least are very experienced in their job.

00:32:50.560 Like you're not like almost all the executives at comedy central come from a comedy background.

00:32:55.060 They weren't in the accounting department two years ago.

00:32:56.940 So they know comedy, but still, if it's gut for you feels wrong, then it's

00:33:00.600 and you have to override them.

00:33:01.860 But I know more than any other executive I've ever worked with comedy central knows what

00:33:05.040 they're doing.

00:33:06.520 But, you know, I feel like, I feel like, yeah.

00:33:09.360 So like if, if, but, but if it feels wrong to you, then yeah, I mean, there's nothing,

00:33:14.360 there's nothing you can do about it.

00:33:15.780 Because they tell you, they're like, oh, well, you're going to have, you know, you're going

00:33:19.440 to have, if you do this, if they like, you know, you kind of want to appease them some

00:33:24.620 because you want to get what they want.

00:33:26.420 You don't want to give them something that seems so foreign to them.

00:33:29.260 Well, you know, what's another thing too?

00:33:30.420 It's like, you know, when you think there's some truth to that, I do, because I think

00:33:33.460 when your producer said to you, oh, give like, um, you know, uh, do what they say,

00:33:38.360 because these are going to be the people making decisions.

00:33:39.740 The truth of the matter is even with the most, even with the most seasoned comedy executives,

00:33:44.620 and this is, I'm sure this is true in drama and all that too, but I can only speak for

00:33:47.920 comedy, comedy executives.

00:33:49.320 They don't know what they want.

00:33:50.840 They don't know.

00:33:51.560 They only know what they want when you show them.

00:33:53.620 So they could say, oh, how about this?

00:33:55.560 You know what, Theo?

00:33:56.080 I think, I think you should have that plan over here and that would be funny.

00:33:59.780 But if you just say, you go rogue and you say, you know what?

00:34:02.180 I'm putting the fucking plan where I want to put the plan.

00:34:04.000 All of a sudden you're like, that's genius.

00:34:05.740 And then they pick up your shit because a lot of times they're going in blind.

00:34:08.800 They don't know.

00:34:09.340 They have no idea what they want until you show it to them.

00:34:11.960 You know, and I learned that when I was casting my pilot where I was like, cause I was on

00:34:15.620 the other side of the camera with CBS.

00:34:17.440 So I was, I, I, I watched hundreds of audition tapes, hundreds and dealt with hundreds of

00:34:22.800 people coming in and out and everybody that pretty much came in, you know, to be honest

00:34:27.020 with you, there was three, there was three of the parts I wanted somebody else.

00:34:31.360 Cause I was like, when they came in, I was like, no, this is the person, this has got

00:34:34.460 to be the person, but they overrode me cause they wanted big celebrities.

00:34:37.960 And, and, and I get it, I get it's a business too.

00:34:39.960 I get everything can't be about the art.

00:34:41.480 I get show business.

00:34:42.820 I, I, but stacking things with celebrities is so limiting these days.

00:34:45.740 I feel like it's like, it's just like, even with the election, it's like, you know, they

00:34:49.000 just, they're like, you know, Hollywood controls so much.

00:34:52.060 And so it's like all the celebrities are like, we're going to, we all going to get on the

00:34:55.100 same thing, get on the same train and it didn't work.

00:34:57.700 Cause most of America knows it's fake, man.

00:34:59.580 I'm telling you, man, we just know we could, it's very easy to see the bullshit.

00:35:03.980 Like it's very, it's very easy to see when you're in a, where you're in an award

00:35:06.820 show, when you're watching an award show, the Oscars or Golden

00:35:09.400 Golds or whatever.

00:35:09.920 And the celebrities just going up there patting themselves on the back and just being wind

00:35:14.380 bags.

00:35:14.860 It's so infuriated.

00:35:16.340 Cause you know, it's fake.

00:35:17.400 Cause you know, when they go home, they're probably using plastic straws and they don't

00:35:21.060 give a fuck about the turtles.

00:35:22.360 Yeah.

00:35:22.640 You know what I mean?

00:35:23.140 Oh, well 10 years ago, it was like gas efficient cars.

00:35:25.260 And now that that's not even a thing.

00:35:27.140 That's not trendy anymore.

00:35:28.260 Like nobody shows up to Priuses and all of these events and stuff.

00:35:31.340 It's just, it makes me mad.

00:35:32.460 It's just whack.

00:35:33.360 And I think most, most of the country sees the bullshit.

00:35:37.700 Most, most of us do.

00:35:39.180 Um, you know, but I've been punching the face a lot.

00:35:41.300 You've been punching the face a lot.

00:35:42.280 Like I live my life in the gray zone because you know what it is?

00:35:45.000 It's like somebody on Twitter, you know, that wants to stand by his or her opinions.

00:35:48.900 It's like, yeah, you could stand by your opinions and start blocking people.

00:35:51.820 But the truth is the shit hasn't gotten violent for you.

00:35:54.300 Cause I would like, if you're a real fucking martyr, then say what you just said to the

00:35:58.500 opposite, to a person, to, to somebody who doesn't agree with you to their face and then

00:36:02.760 see what, see if you really stand by your opinion.

00:36:04.700 Yeah.

00:36:04.900 I've been hit so much that I fucking, you know, I know, man.

00:36:08.480 It's like, yeah, listen, man, I got, I got opinions, but I'm not standing by anything.

00:36:11.460 Like, you know what I mean?

00:36:12.460 Once you put those fists up, if you want me to change my tune, the tune will be changed.

00:36:16.360 Playboy.

00:36:18.400 Yeah, man.

00:36:19.020 It's a, I mean, it's definitely, it definitely is like the wild west.

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00:38:32.500 Now back to me and Chris.

00:38:34.740 I mean, I feel so grateful.

00:38:36.840 I don't even know how I happened into like, you know, I mean, I know I did a lot of work

00:38:40.960 over the years doing stand up, but you did your thing, man.

00:38:45.300 You just, you know, and now, and now look, and it's a beautiful thing because now it's

00:38:48.640 like you have an opportunity to like be out here for like long format stuff.

00:38:53.440 People get to know you that feel like they're a part of your family.

00:38:55.820 Yeah.

00:38:56.060 And then they come out to the shows, man, and you'll never lose them.

00:38:58.000 You'll never lose the fans.

00:38:59.080 I get to have people like you on that I think are funny.

00:39:00.860 Dude, you could do something fucked up tomorrow and maybe you'll lose ads on the podcast,

00:39:05.860 but you ain't going to lose your fans.

00:39:08.160 What do you think I would do?

00:39:08.920 That'd be fucked up an honest crime you could see me doing.

00:39:10.880 Let me take the hat off.

00:39:11.420 Honest, real shit that I could see you doing.

00:39:13.460 A real crime.

00:39:14.240 And then I'm going to tell you a couple about you.

00:39:15.760 Yeah.

00:39:16.020 Okay.

00:39:16.600 So like a guy like you, well, first of all, you look like you're on crystal meth.

00:39:19.940 Like, you know what I mean?

00:39:20.880 Like, I know you're not, but like you look like, like, like it would be, it would be

00:39:25.440 shocking to me that a guy that looks like you isn't using crystal meth.

00:39:28.720 Like I'd be, I'm in shock that you're not.

00:39:30.940 Why?

00:39:31.140 Because there's not a t-shirt under the sweater?

00:39:32.720 Well.

00:39:33.100 Because it's just sweater to skin?

00:39:34.200 It's sweater to skin.

00:39:35.140 Yeah.

00:39:35.340 And really like, and just like the hair and the beard, it's like, it's like you just

00:39:37.980 look like.

00:39:38.260 It's on a beard.

00:39:38.960 Well, whatever.

00:39:39.720 Like, you know, he's got like a civil war head.

00:39:42.060 You know what I mean?

00:39:42.620 And it just looks like, like you use drugs to like get through your pain.

00:39:47.440 You know what I mean?

00:39:47.820 And so I would think, so I, so definitely like robbing a liquor store is what you love.

00:39:51.740 You have that robbing a liquor store look.

00:39:53.320 You also look like you could be like, you're, you're a suspect.

00:39:56.200 You look like you're in any making a murderous shit.

00:39:58.600 Like you're on the list for sure.

00:40:00.320 You're on the short list.

00:40:01.300 So I would say one of those, either a murder suspect or robbing a bank.

00:40:05.120 But I think like an actual crime you could actually do like with who you are as Theo, not

00:40:09.980 on drugs, like LA, like as Theo mom right now.

00:40:12.960 So I think you, I could see you being, being a distracted driver texting.

00:40:17.620 And kill a mentally challenged person.

00:40:19.400 That's what I could see you doing.

00:40:20.680 And then leaving the scene of the accident.

00:40:22.580 Yeah.

00:40:22.980 I could see you doing that.

00:40:24.160 And then you, I leave with them.

00:40:25.180 Do I put them in the back of my car?

00:40:26.300 Yeah.

00:40:26.560 And then as an attempt to cover.

00:40:27.900 Yeah.

00:40:28.080 Like, and then I raise them at home.

00:40:29.620 Exactly.

00:40:30.240 Oh, that's a good movie idea.

00:40:31.840 But you could lose a sponsor for that.

00:40:33.320 Yeah.

00:40:33.620 Yeah.

00:40:33.800 You may lose an ad.

00:40:34.660 But what about years later when I reintroduce him to society and he can fucking dance?

00:40:38.620 Yeah.

00:40:38.780 Oh, I mean, it's like, like that movie Nell.

00:40:40.620 Remember that movie?

00:40:41.280 Yeah.

00:40:41.460 It was just a raise by Wolf.

00:40:42.560 And that's the song at the end.

00:40:43.720 If I asked you to dance.

00:40:45.860 Fuck yeah.

00:40:45.900 And it's me wheeling him out into a gymnasium.

00:40:48.000 Yeah.

00:40:48.300 Yeah, dude.

00:40:48.460 His parents haven't seen him for years and they're not even excited to see him.

00:40:51.080 Yeah.

00:40:51.600 And I wheel him out there.

00:40:52.880 Dude.

00:40:53.020 And he gets up and just, would you save my soul tonight?

00:40:58.420 I can be.

00:40:59.560 And then he fucking just pirouettes.

00:41:01.380 Pirouette.

00:41:01.740 Yeah.

00:41:01.980 And it's wheelchair.

00:41:02.800 Beautiful.

00:41:03.400 That's the crime I could see you doing.

00:41:04.460 Yeah, dude.

00:41:05.060 What about me?

00:41:05.780 Two gay guys in the stands just hold a lighter up.

00:41:07.820 Yeah.

00:41:08.240 It's like, chill out, fellas.

00:41:09.680 You know?

00:41:09.900 Yeah.

00:41:10.300 This boy is mine.

00:41:11.280 What about me?

00:41:11.720 What do you think I could do?

00:41:12.600 Let me think.

00:41:13.200 I could see you being like a, obviously you seem like a dude that works at a toll booth

00:41:16.940 that fucking always tells people he's going to do something different.

00:41:19.200 Like on your lunch break, you tell all the black ladies you're going to be doing something

00:41:22.020 different.

00:41:22.760 But you still keep coming back.

00:41:24.640 Yeah.

00:41:25.140 And you always pocket a couple of quarters.

00:41:27.000 You think you have a scheme.

00:41:27.960 It's like stealing like 75 cents a day.

00:41:30.280 Yeah.

00:41:30.760 Stacking it up at home for like a big adventure.

00:41:33.120 Yeah.

00:41:33.360 I live with my mother for sure.

00:41:35.020 Out of Atlantic City.

00:41:36.680 Yeah.

00:41:37.080 So petty crime like that, 75 cents a day crime I could see you doing.

00:41:40.820 Yeah.

00:41:41.540 What else?

00:41:42.820 I could see you going into the Air Force.

00:41:45.520 I could see you doing some like AWOL type of shit.

00:41:47.180 Right.

00:41:47.540 Right.

00:41:47.840 Yeah.

00:41:48.160 Like going rogue, going to another country, going to Afghanistan or Saddam.

00:41:52.480 Doing some shit like that.

00:41:53.680 Usain.

00:41:54.000 Yeah.

00:41:54.200 Or somewhere, Iraq.

00:41:55.200 And just like, because I just want to defend freedom and defend my country, I'm killing innocent

00:41:59.180 women and children.

00:41:59.980 Yeah.

00:42:00.180 In the Middle East.

00:42:01.020 Yeah.

00:42:01.100 Some dirty homeland type of shit.

00:42:02.940 Yeah.

00:42:03.520 Next thing you're over there in a fucking sweat lodge.

00:42:05.660 Yeah.

00:42:06.240 Just drinking curry through a straw.

00:42:08.180 ISIS gets me, but I got such a big head that I just keep fucking up their beheading

00:42:12.140 videos.

00:42:12.860 Yeah.

00:42:13.020 And I got like a size 8 hat head.

00:42:14.360 I could see you getting in a lawsuit with new era hats because they don't have a proper

00:42:18.880 fit.

00:42:19.340 Yo, I got a big ass head, man.

00:42:20.800 You're Dutch, aren't you?

00:42:21.940 No, I'm not Dutch.

00:42:22.700 Actually, I thought my whole life I was Italian and German like every other white piece of shit

00:42:26.560 on the East Coast.

00:42:27.540 But I found that I'm like 70% German.

00:42:29.420 Wow.

00:42:29.840 Yeah.

00:42:30.020 Mostly German.

00:42:30.820 So you were kind of right.

00:42:31.900 A little white.

00:42:32.500 Yeah.

00:42:32.640 That's crazy.

00:42:33.100 All right.

00:42:34.200 Yeah.

00:42:34.800 What are some, what's the Louis C.K. situation like in New York?

00:42:38.020 Is it different than it is out here?

00:42:39.420 Well, I don't know.

00:42:40.540 I mean, he doesn't really come, you don't really, he doesn't pop up out here, right?

00:42:43.740 No.

00:42:43.920 Well, I heard why, you know what, there was one night where I heard that he was at like

00:42:48.100 the Lyric Theater or something and this was about six weeks ago, but that's, I just heard

00:42:52.600 it from one person and so I don't know if that's true.

00:42:54.800 He pops up, you know, around like Comedy Cellar and shows like that and it's just like, you

00:42:58.620 know, it's one of those things, I think the main difference that I see now is he doesn't

00:43:01.720 really hang out, he just comes, does his spot and leaves.

00:43:04.300 Does he seem nervous?

00:43:06.360 Um, you know.

00:43:07.880 And just vibe, you know, just by vibe.

00:43:09.260 Just a vibe.

00:43:09.600 You get a lot by vibe.

00:43:10.600 I would say the first night I was there, the first night he came back, he was nervous.

00:43:13.920 For sure.

00:43:14.620 I think even he would admit that.

00:43:16.300 How could you not be?

00:43:17.600 But now, not so much, I mean, he's, you know, buried in his notes, kind of writing, then

00:43:21.240 comes out, you know, he's got to deal with, every time he goes up, people will walk out

00:43:25.000 and leave, you know, he's going to have to probably deal with that for, as much as he

00:43:27.900 comes in unannounced to a comedy club, he's going to have to deal with people being like,

00:43:31.020 we want our money back, it's just, you know, it's just what it is in society right now.

00:43:35.300 But every, to be honest with you, man, every time he goes up, he murders, he rips,

00:43:39.560 like the people there, they, because it's like, it's good jokes.

00:43:42.400 It's like, it's like, look, you know, Bill Cosby's in prison because what he did was

00:43:45.740 a crime and he doesn't deserve a chance.

00:43:48.040 And maybe he would, after he's rehabilitated in prison, that's what these laws are, that's

00:43:51.900 why we have laws, then yeah, hypothetically, he should be allowed to come back because he

00:43:56.200 did his time.

00:43:57.440 Louis C.K.

00:43:57.920 never committed a crime.

00:43:58.920 Right.

00:43:59.100 For sure, what he did was outside the fringes of what's normally socially accepted sexual

00:44:03.960 behavior.

00:44:04.480 Well, it's hella vegan, dude.

00:44:04.820 Jerking off on a plant is hella fucking vegan, dude.

00:44:07.280 Yeah, and he's putting that in that, yeah, and look at, I mean, it's energy into energy,

00:44:10.100 bro.

00:44:10.580 In Los Feliz, that's a soup out here in fucking, you know.

00:44:12.540 Yeah, man, I'd eat that.

00:44:13.900 In North Hollywood, bro.

00:44:15.240 I'd have a little, I'm not gonna have a lot.

00:44:16.700 Yeah, but it's like, you know, what the shit, of course it was, you know, you know.

00:44:20.880 Right, the media definitely got a hold of him, he definitely.

00:44:22.980 This guy doesn't deserve to lose his life and his career, not even fucking close.

00:44:25.800 Definitely an abuse of power.

00:44:26.440 Yeah.

00:44:26.840 And he always, whenever I saw him, he seemed like he had a real hard ego, like just like,

00:44:31.720 but he was also the biggest comedian, like, you know.

00:44:34.500 Yeah.

00:44:34.620 Like, real comedian, him and Bill Burr.

00:44:36.220 Do you think about how hard it is to be at the top like that?

00:44:38.120 Everybody asking you for shit, wanting shit from you.

00:44:40.060 So, look, man, I don't know Louis too well.

00:44:42.320 The few times I have been around him, he's been kind to me.

00:44:45.000 You know, he really has been.

00:44:47.040 But, you know, yeah, I know like the situations that he put some people in, it wasn't right,

00:44:51.960 but it's not a crime, and he doesn't deserve to lose his career over it.

00:44:56.040 Yeah.

00:44:56.220 I don't think so, man.

00:44:57.120 I think if you commit a crime, then yeah, like Cosby, what happened to Cosby is right.

00:45:01.520 Yeah.

00:45:01.840 Harvey Weinstein, these guys, if shit's proven, you should go to jail.

00:45:05.140 Yeah, he got caught up in that, you know, he definitely was in that tidal wave of stuff

00:45:09.100 that was going on at the same time.

00:45:10.340 Yeah, man.

00:45:10.900 So, it's like, but look, rules have changed now.

00:45:12.500 I think the positive things about all these movements is, I know at some, you know, there's

00:45:16.160 people that take advantage of them, and then the media wants to jump on that too, and people

00:45:19.260 want to jump on that.

00:45:19.860 But, look, things have changed, man.

00:45:21.160 I'll tell you what, I've always respected women.

00:45:23.860 You know, I grew up around all women.

00:45:25.500 But, like, I certainly.

00:45:27.360 It made me think about my actions.

00:45:28.780 Exactly.

00:45:29.360 It's like, made me think, like, you know what?

00:45:30.800 The way I was in 2010, I still wasn't not raping anybody or assaulting anyone, but I maybe

00:45:35.540 wasn't as self-aware as I am now.

00:45:38.820 Yeah.

00:45:38.960 So, that's positive.

00:45:39.780 I think that's ultimately what they wanted, you know?

00:45:42.140 Oh, there's definitely some positives.

00:45:43.400 Yeah, there's always, but, you know, there's always going to be, because it's like, you

00:45:46.020 know, people walk around in fear now and say, oh, guys, I can't do anything.

00:45:48.640 And it's like, well, you can't be an asshole.

00:45:50.360 Well, yeah.

00:45:50.780 You know what I mean?

00:45:51.180 Like, if some girl comes accusing me of shit, it's like, it's not going to be true.

00:45:54.440 Well, it made me think about my, like, it made me think about, like, it made me think

00:45:57.580 about, like, it made me think about a couple of things.

00:45:59.220 It made me think, like, wow.

00:46:00.720 It did make me look at myself.

00:46:02.060 Yeah.

00:46:02.580 You know, a couple of things, even some of these movements, like when the Black Lives

00:46:05.240 Matter stuff was happening, it was real, you know, big, more popular.

00:46:08.200 Right.

00:46:10.040 You know, that was a time, like, when, you know, Trump was running for president.

00:46:14.480 Sure.

00:46:14.620 And everybody was, like, really divided.

00:46:15.760 And that's a, that's a time when I felt like, dude, there's nobody even in, like, I came

00:46:20.540 all the way to LA to be a, you know, I felt like I would, grew up really a Democrat, you

00:46:24.740 know, like, I grew up poor, I grew up on opportunities, you know, I grew up, you know, never liked the

00:46:30.220 rich, really, because they, the one thing I didn't like about the rich was that if one

00:46:34.180 of them got in trouble for something, they were able to get out of it.

00:46:37.940 Right.

00:46:38.360 Before, it never got to the papers the next day, it never, in the middle of the night, there

00:46:42.240 was some phone calls made.

00:46:43.560 And they were able to get through it, somebody knew somebody.

00:46:46.320 And that's the thing that always, because then there was no consequence.

00:46:51.040 Right.

00:46:51.440 For them.

00:46:52.160 Right.

00:46:52.500 And so that always just made me so angry.

00:46:54.940 Right.

00:46:55.320 But anyways, but then I get out to LA, and then I'm suddenly, I'm like, you know, looked

00:46:59.700 at as like, you know, everybody just immediately is like, oh, well, this guy's just a redneck,

00:47:04.620 this guy's an idiot.

00:47:05.640 Right.

00:47:05.920 You know, just because the way that I sound, or just because of like my.

00:47:08.240 Sure, you get judged.

00:47:08.720 Yeah, because of my skin, and it made me, and I couldn't, I was like, there's not even any roles

00:47:12.500 for me here, you know?

00:47:13.920 Right, right.

00:47:14.060 Like, when have they even championed a Southern comedian?

00:47:16.960 So, but that's what I'm saying.

00:47:18.120 Since when?

00:47:18.640 Larry the Cable had that, Jeff Fox, that was 25 years ago.

00:47:21.100 But that's what I'm saying.

00:47:21.960 That's why I think what you did is so great, because you just built your own way.

00:47:24.580 Yeah.

00:47:24.760 And that's, thank God we have the opportunity to do that in 2019, because if this was

00:47:27.920 1999, you would be fucked.

00:47:29.880 Right.

00:47:30.160 You know, now you're not.

00:47:31.420 But now it made me think, but in 99, I think you still have some opportunities.

00:47:34.300 They had like shit like the Torkelsons and fucking.

00:47:36.660 Yeah.

00:47:37.100 Some other shows.

00:47:38.000 They had Living Biblically.

00:47:39.120 Yeah.

00:47:39.740 Yeah.

00:47:40.440 Yo, that shit was a piece of shit.

00:47:41.520 Just the 10 of us.

00:47:42.500 I mean, they were all women, but.

00:47:43.120 Yo, you guys make some dumb decisions.

00:47:44.460 I'm saying that publicly.

00:47:45.660 CBS.

00:47:46.440 Oh, dude.

00:47:47.100 Yo, should have kept your boy.

00:47:48.600 These people, look, I can't even imagine the number of bad shows that have been passed

00:47:52.040 around these troubled rooms.

00:47:54.660 Yeah.

00:47:55.180 Like, that's a show I could have been on the dang Torkelsons.

00:47:57.320 I would have fucked with that.

00:47:58.160 Definitely made that up.

00:47:59.020 Yeah.

00:47:59.220 I look like the kid with the blue pants.

00:48:00.860 I thought it was a group of people.

00:48:01.660 I thought it was like a cartoon of like seahorses.

00:48:05.160 What station was it on?

00:48:06.500 Oh, I don't know.

00:48:07.100 The ABC, NBC show?

00:48:08.100 We had two stations.

00:48:09.280 It was on one of them.

00:48:10.300 Yeah.

00:48:10.820 But I remember this.

00:48:11.680 So this is what I remember.

00:48:12.460 I remember being like, man, because of how I sound or how I look, then I'm not going

00:48:16.320 to have any opportunities, right?

00:48:18.560 Right.

00:48:18.700 I remember really feeling that.

00:48:20.280 And then I was like, man, this must be how black people feel sometimes.

00:48:24.080 Probably.

00:48:24.700 Or this must be how.

00:48:26.000 Yeah.

00:48:26.360 Latinos never complain, really.

00:48:27.700 No.

00:48:27.920 Latinos are going to hopefully take over the world, bro.

00:48:31.280 Yeah.

00:48:31.800 And I would happily say, bienvenidos.

00:48:34.320 Absolutely.

00:48:34.580 Because that's why I have a Puerto Rican daughter, man.

00:48:37.200 I fucking got in that shit early, man.

00:48:38.820 I did it for my career, 100%.

00:48:40.280 Because, you know, I'm a straight white male.

00:48:41.540 We're very easily hateable.

00:48:42.520 And I look like a tiki torch.

00:48:43.860 You know what I mean?

00:48:44.200 I look like the problem.

00:48:45.100 I look like I'm an undercover cop.

00:48:46.780 So my Puerto Rican daughter, man, it's like, what are you going to say to me now?

00:48:49.240 I'm like, fucking, I got my baby Puerto Rican girl.

00:48:51.360 Yeah.

00:48:51.620 You know what I do?

00:48:51.900 Oh, you look definitely like a guy that works at the church that gets busted.

00:48:55.680 100%.

00:48:55.880 Like a church pastor, but the shady one.

00:48:57.680 Yeah.

00:48:58.040 You know, I look like somebody's ex.

00:48:59.560 Yeah.

00:48:59.820 I look like somebody's ex-husband.

00:49:02.260 Yeah.

00:49:03.180 That's what I mean.

00:49:03.660 Dude, you look like definitely every ex-husband in a Lifetime movie.

00:49:06.560 Yeah.

00:49:06.960 Like, you know, you're dating this girl.

00:49:08.480 You love her.

00:49:08.920 And then she's like, oh, I have a kid with this guy.

00:49:10.300 Yeah, Darren.

00:49:10.820 And it's a fucking letdown.

00:49:12.140 You're like, oh, fuck.

00:49:13.340 This guy's got to be a part of my life?

00:49:14.900 Yeah.

00:49:15.240 You look like you definitely should carry a lunch pail.

00:49:17.080 Yeah, 100%.

00:49:17.900 Or like I'm coming up with some like fucking protein infused vodka or some shit.

00:49:22.440 Like, and it's a dumb ass invention.

00:49:24.300 But it made me feel like that.

00:49:25.400 It brought that.

00:49:25.900 It brought that.

00:49:26.600 I mean, it brought it into my mind and it brought it into my heart.

00:49:28.700 I was like, man, this is how somebody must feel if they don't feel like they have an opportunity.

00:49:34.440 Right.

00:49:34.580 And so that was, I never would have had that.

00:49:37.560 Yeah.

00:49:37.880 And now that's just at a macro level.

00:49:40.480 At a micro level, yeah.

00:49:41.440 Some people don't take advantage of their opportunities.

00:49:43.960 You know, some people have a million opportunities.

00:49:46.480 Yeah, man.

00:49:46.700 No matter what color their skin are, they don't, they never really do.

00:49:49.320 And like, when you just put the product out there, when it's unfiltered, uncensored, it's

00:49:53.000 like just coming from my brain, like as the artist.

00:49:55.240 Like, I'm sure you find like my fan base at the History Hyena podcast, it's so culturally

00:50:01.100 diverse.

00:50:01.900 Like, it's so culturally diverse.

00:50:03.460 It's crazy.

00:50:04.040 Men, women, all different races, religions.

00:50:05.800 And I'm sure you feel the same because funny is funny, man.

00:50:08.080 But these executives and these people and these so-called gatekeepers and bloggers want to

00:50:12.000 say, oh, you have to talk about this group or do that.

00:50:14.840 It's like, yo, bro, funny is funny has no race.

00:50:17.620 It's a universal language.

00:50:19.240 It's like, that's what brings shit together.

00:50:20.880 Like my pops, old school Italian guy, right?

00:50:23.840 Like nowadays in 2019, you could blog about him and you could make my father a villain.

00:50:29.160 When in reality, my dad in 2012, when Hurricane Sandy happened and it like ravaged New York,

00:50:35.020 Staten Island, where my pops lives, the coast of Staten Island got fucked up.

00:50:38.980 And most of it is like, most of it was Latino immigrants and black people, most of it.

00:50:43.840 But my dad's house was not touched.

00:50:46.140 So my dad rented a U-Haul truck every single day, went down there, helped out the families,

00:50:50.480 and even for two weeks, let two separate families stay in his house while they, because

00:50:55.280 they had nowhere else to go.

00:50:56.740 But while he was doing that, my dad's just an old school kind of guy, comes from a different

00:51:01.220 world.

00:51:01.660 He was making jokes.

00:51:02.700 Like one guy's name was Jose.

00:51:03.940 He kept calling him Juan.

00:51:05.180 He kept telling him like, hey, don't steal my silverware.

00:51:07.500 You know, he'd be like, you guys want to play bait?

00:51:08.960 Like just corny old hack jokes.

00:51:11.820 But the truth is, is like all those families, they love him like he's their dad because he

00:51:16.940 saved their lives for two weeks.

00:51:18.420 Right.

00:51:18.620 So it's like everybody wants to, I feel like as a society, we're in defense mode.

00:51:22.540 It's like somebody gets famous, oh, now we're waiting for that person to fuck up, dig through

00:51:26.100 their tweets.

00:51:26.920 What's going to go wrong?

00:51:28.060 Like with Kevin Hart, oh, go back 10 years to find tweets.

00:51:31.480 Like, well, if you really wanted, if actions spoke, if actions truly spoke louder than words,

00:51:36.120 which is that bullshit that they regurgitate, that to be honest, mostly the left regurgitates,

00:51:40.720 but actions speak louder than words, then you would see Kevin Hart's actions in 10 years

00:51:45.840 finding no tweets.

00:51:46.600 But all of a sudden to make the narrative good for you, you're going to flip it and say,

00:51:49.920 oh, now words are louder than actions.

00:51:52.120 So it's like, you know, you play in an unwinnable game.

00:51:54.740 That's why having a podcast and having your own fan base is my goal because I can speak

00:52:00.560 to my people.

00:52:01.440 I'm immune to all, like you're immune to all that shit, man.

00:52:04.180 You look at, nobody's digging through your tweets.

00:52:05.840 And if they do it, they're your fans.

00:52:07.260 Right.

00:52:07.540 You know what I mean?

00:52:08.380 Yeah.

00:52:08.620 And it's like, also like, I just don't understand how you don't like expect that.

00:52:13.420 Like, how can you be like, everybody deserves the opportunity to change, but then, you know,

00:52:16.840 you're preaching that all the time, but then there's no empathy for people.

00:52:20.440 There's no like, well, what if somebody does change, you know, like how can somebody not

00:52:24.100 change?

00:52:24.380 Like, you should be great.

00:52:25.320 You saw something 10 years ago.

00:52:26.440 You don't see anything now.

00:52:27.580 Yeah.

00:52:27.660 It's like, you know, even like, you know, those, you know, the Charlottesville when they

00:52:32.420 had the tiki torture guys or whatever, you know, and, but 50, you know, 60 years ago

00:52:37.780 or something or 40 years ago, they had in the 60s, they had like a Klan rally.

00:52:43.380 I think that had 50,000 people in Madison Square Garden.

00:52:46.060 Yeah, man.

00:52:46.380 Like, what a great progress.

00:52:47.940 Like, sure, that's fucked up, but it's like, why not be like, oh, the last ditch effort

00:52:52.120 of some maniacs.

00:52:53.380 In 1938, the Nazis sold out Madison Square Garden.

00:52:56.200 My peoples.

00:52:57.040 They sold out, they sold out MSG.

00:52:58.920 How many shows do they do?

00:53:00.220 I don't know, but I'll tell you one thing.

00:53:01.700 You can say what you want about Hitler.

00:53:02.880 I'm not a fan, but my man sold tickets.

00:53:04.620 Yeah.

00:53:04.880 The Nazi party was deep.

00:53:06.440 He was selling out theaters in Germany, you know?

00:53:10.040 So, it's like Jeff Dunham.

00:53:12.120 Yeah.

00:53:12.420 It's like Jeff Dunham.

00:53:13.220 Jeff Dunham.

00:53:14.160 Jeff Dunham and Hitler are the same fucking dude.

00:53:17.320 It's like John Wilkes Booth, dude.

00:53:18.920 Yeah.

00:53:19.100 Yo.

00:53:19.460 He fucking, that dude.

00:53:20.680 Yo, he could act, man.

00:53:21.740 You know?

00:53:22.680 He fucked up.

00:53:23.420 He could pack a theater.

00:53:24.120 He packed a theater out, man.

00:53:25.480 He had bars, but you know what I mean?

00:53:27.140 He killed old Abe.

00:53:29.260 Yeah, it is.

00:53:29.700 I mean, I guess it is kind of freeing to realize, like, yeah, I guess it was like, yeah,

00:53:33.420 we just have to try and make something else happen of our own, you know?

00:53:36.120 Yeah, no, dude, what you're doing, well, I'm telling you, man, it's the best, it's just

00:53:38.740 like self-start and then you cannot take it away, and it's exactly what Joe Rogan, I mean,

00:53:42.640 I know Joe Rogan did a lot of the fear factor and all that other stuff, but I mean, the things

00:53:46.500 that people are hanging their hats on now is things they built, not that somebody else

00:53:49.500 built, not that somebody else is in control of.

00:53:51.800 Yeah.

00:53:52.020 Like, you got, who cares?

00:53:53.020 Like, even if Louis, let's talk about, let's say Louis C.K., right?

00:53:56.080 If he started a podcast tomorrow.

00:53:58.060 It would be the top podcast.

00:53:59.120 Well, it'd probably be a top podcast, but it's like, he would monetize it instantly and still

00:54:02.860 be able to make, you can't tell him he can't do a podcast.

00:54:05.400 Right.

00:54:05.500 You could tell him he can't be on FX anymore, you could tell him, you know what I mean,

00:54:08.180 he's not doing these commercials, theaters could close their doors, but you can't, the

00:54:12.180 fucking people?

00:54:13.520 You know, if he speaks to the people, man, it's like, nah, you can't.

00:54:16.540 Let the people decide.

00:54:17.080 Absolutely.

00:54:17.640 And then you could be like, hey, listen, if you want to get the Louis C.K. podcast, it's

00:54:20.340 a dollar a month.

00:54:21.740 Trust me, there's thousands, hundreds of thousands of people that would do that just to hear it,

00:54:26.540 just because they're fans of his work.

00:54:29.260 I'm not advocating for him, I'm just using him as an example where it's like, if really in

00:54:33.660 2019, like, you can't be stopped.

00:54:36.200 You know, if you put your mind and your will to it, and you want to say, this is what I

00:54:40.540 want to do, then you got to just go do it, because there's no excuses anymore.

00:54:43.940 Yeah, that's what Donna Rollins said, and we were just talking about this with Kevin Ealing

00:54:46.540 the other day, but yeah, that's what Donna Rollins said.

00:54:49.380 He said, for black people, white people, for anybody, you know, there's just, there's

00:54:53.700 no excuses, you know?

00:54:54.720 Yeah.

00:54:55.100 He said that he felt like once Barack Obama was president, that like, you can't be a black

00:54:58.420 person anymore and say like, oh, I don't have this opportunity, or, I still think there

00:55:02.040 should be more opportunities for Latinos, though, in America, bro.

00:55:04.580 Yeah.

00:55:04.840 Like, how you don't have a Latino on the fucking Los Angeles Lakers, bro?

00:55:10.060 Lakers, I know.

00:55:10.620 Well, you know what?

00:55:11.500 Here's the thing.

00:55:11.880 99% of your offense is, of your audience, of your fans, are Latinos, bro.

00:55:17.240 I know.

00:55:17.980 I want to see fucking Hector out there.

00:55:20.080 Hector Bobby.

00:55:20.200 They're shooting a nine-pointer, bro.

00:55:21.920 Yeah.

00:55:22.280 You know?

00:55:22.800 Wearing fucking Dickies, dog.

00:55:24.420 Yeah.

00:55:25.080 You know?

00:55:25.400 And Converse's.

00:55:26.220 Yeah, bro.

00:55:26.680 You know, it's sick.

00:55:27.480 And he fucking only gets to shoot nine-pointers, bro.

00:55:29.420 With cigarettes in his ears.

00:55:30.640 Oh, yeah, dog.

00:55:31.680 Yo.

00:55:32.140 But that shit would be beautiful, you know?

00:55:33.500 Yeah, well, I mean, Latinos, I mean, they're going to be the majority, I believe they're going

00:55:36.360 to be the majority for the population in our country very soon, I think in the next few

00:55:40.760 years.

00:55:40.940 So, yeah, they certainly need to be more represented.

00:55:43.380 Yeah.

00:55:43.620 But I think, you know, everybody's like, oh, you got to have this person, you got to have

00:55:46.860 that person.

00:55:47.320 It's like, well, you got to break down society.

00:55:49.180 It's like, let's talk numbers here.

00:55:51.460 Majority of our society is this race or that.

00:55:53.840 Majority of our society is, you know, this sexual orientation and this religion.

00:55:57.360 So it's like, when you talk about television specifically, that's what it's geared towards.

00:56:01.760 It's like, yes, you know, you have to have everybody represented, but you got to understand

00:56:05.800 there's different percentages of people.

00:56:07.680 I think, here's the thing.

00:56:08.800 Here's how I feel.

00:56:09.780 Everybody, everybody, you need to treat every single person fairly and with respect.

00:56:17.080 Anybody that comes into my life, I treat them fairly with respect.

00:56:20.100 I don't care what your orientation is, race, religion, whatever.

00:56:22.400 But when we go along with this narrative, we're all created equal.

00:56:25.340 It's not true.

00:56:26.040 It's not true.

00:56:26.440 It's just not a true thing.

00:56:27.540 It's something that is being pushed.

00:56:29.040 That's a fucking lie.

00:56:30.240 But I think it's unfortunate for like my daughter.

00:56:32.660 I'm going to be honest with her.

00:56:34.120 I'd be like, listen, we're not equal.

00:56:35.960 Okay.

00:56:36.220 There's not, there's, there's, and that doesn't mean you don't, you treat anyone any differently

00:56:40.100 than anybody else.

00:56:41.100 You love and respect everyone.

00:56:42.480 Yeah.

00:56:42.780 And you'd be friends with everyone.

00:56:43.760 But to think that you have the same opportunities as others, it's, it's, it's, it's a lie.

00:56:48.700 And not in America, it's a lie.

00:56:50.100 I don't want them, bro.

00:56:50.820 Like when I look at like, you know, like you don't really want it.

00:56:54.140 Like in the end, like, it's like, you know, like in the past year I've had opportunity

00:56:58.120 to be like, you know, to kind of just be in a different space, you know, like even a

00:57:02.160 year and a half ago, it's like, yeah, it's definitely different, like going and having

00:57:05.220 people come out to the shows, but it's like, I wouldn't have changed, you know, I don't

00:57:09.780 think I really would have changed anything the more I think about it.

00:57:11.940 It's like the best, like that chip on your shoulder was really, was the most enjoyable

00:57:15.700 part of my life so far.

00:57:17.200 I mean, I don't know the, you know, the joys of having a child or having that sort of

00:57:20.140 thing yet, but like just having a, having a, like Joe Rogan's was talking about, they

00:57:26.200 had universal income and where everybody would get a flat amount and so that their basic needs

00:57:32.600 were met.

00:57:33.440 So then after that, if everybody's basic needs were met, then they could focus more

00:57:37.920 on their wellbeing, you know, and advancement and stuff like that.

00:57:42.040 You pull that up, a universal basic income.

00:57:44.120 That's, that's a dope thing to think about.

00:57:46.100 Right.

00:57:46.400 But what is this from?

00:57:47.360 You're saying he, he, he did this.

00:57:48.780 No, it's just been something that's just been.

00:57:50.140 It's been kind of discussed.

00:57:50.920 I mean, I don't know if there'd be a way to really fund it.

00:57:52.840 So what, like a socialist kind of experiment?

00:57:54.320 It's kind of a socialist idea.

00:57:55.620 But then I was thinking about it more.

00:57:57.540 I was thinking about it last night and I was like, but would, where would people, would

00:58:01.360 there be as much incentive, you know, like you don't have a comeback story then.

00:58:06.020 You don't have Rudy Rudiger.

00:58:07.400 Yeah.

00:58:07.680 You know?

00:58:08.040 No, listen, man.

00:58:08.740 I think like America, the reason why America, everybody wants to come here and it's still the

00:58:12.240 number one country in the world is because it's capitalist.

00:58:14.280 It's a capitalist society.

00:58:15.460 So it's like, yeah, you have to be, you have to be unbelievably good in this country to

00:58:21.480 get ahead.

00:58:22.100 And there's positives in that.

00:58:23.360 I think, but you know, the, the, the catch 22 is with capitalist society comes greed.

00:58:27.820 I mean, like lawyer, you know, doctors in England don't need boats.

00:58:31.800 You know what I mean?

00:58:32.280 Like a, like a national healthcare setting, like a doctor, still a great job, but they're

00:58:35.500 making $150,000 a year.

00:58:37.240 Doctors here are multi, multi-millionaires.

00:58:39.700 So that's going to change a person.

00:58:41.020 And that's going to, the evil parts of a person's brain are going to, it's the ego.

00:58:45.560 You're leaving the ego unchecked.

00:58:47.040 So it's inevitable.

00:58:49.180 But I think it's hard to say, well, let's take that away.

00:58:53.160 Cause that's what makes America, America is like, you can make it here.

00:58:55.940 You can make it anywhere.

00:58:56.600 And the only way that the only way that that's saying remains true is by having capitalism

00:59:01.300 be the thing that's, you know, governing us.

00:59:04.120 And I think greed is going to become, I just have this thing that greed, this thought that

00:59:07.360 greed is going to become like the bad thing.

00:59:10.920 Right.

00:59:11.480 You know?

00:59:11.900 Right.

00:59:11.920 Yeah.

00:59:12.200 Cause it is so like, at a certain point, it's just dirty, you know, at a certain point,

00:59:15.720 it's like, what are you doing?

00:59:17.220 Like when you raise kids that have no idea that have never waited a table or never been

00:59:22.920 a bus boy or never had an experience of like, you know,

00:59:26.540 being absurd, you know, like having to do anything for themselves.

00:59:29.880 It just, I don't know.

00:59:31.880 You don't get the most out of life that way either.

00:59:34.240 Like, dude, the best parts of my life have really been the shittiest.

00:59:39.060 Of course.

00:59:39.560 Dude, every time I think about comedy, you know, when I'm like reminiscing about shit,

00:59:43.460 it's always those first two, three years when you're like really grinding out, doing

00:59:46.440 open mics, meeting people, seeing everything for the first time.

00:59:48.880 I fantasize and romanticize that part of my career.

00:59:52.540 Cause I'm like, Oh shit.

00:59:53.680 Like it was a bond there.

00:59:55.400 Now it's like, sometimes, you know, you're in a city alone, you're on state, you're doing

00:59:58.500 shit alone.

00:59:59.020 Like, you know, you see your friends popping off, but it's from afar.

01:00:01.720 It's like back in the day, it's like, Hey, if, if, if somebody just got passed at a comedy

01:00:05.600 club, they would throw a celebration.

01:00:07.160 Yeah.

01:00:07.360 It's, it's, you know, but I think what happened, what's good about my daughter is things have

01:00:11.560 flipped now in the sense that my daughter's number one, my career is number two.

01:00:14.860 I still give my whole, I give a lot of energy to my career and I want, you know, I'm, I'm

01:00:18.940 out here right now to do things for my career.

01:00:20.520 So I, I, you know, they're the only times I step away from my daughter is if it's worth

01:00:24.640 it either financially, if it's going to push the ball ahead in my career, because that

01:00:28.420 enhances her life.

01:00:29.640 Um, but I'm not, you know, some, some of my peers, I'll notice like they have children,

01:00:33.680 you know, they'll be like, Oh man, I got to go on the month.

01:00:35.880 I got to go on the road for a month.

01:00:37.040 It's just the job.

01:00:37.660 It's like, no, it's not.

01:00:38.760 You fucking idiot.

01:00:39.700 You don't have to do that.

01:00:41.100 You're doing that because, you know, you, you're, you're putting your career first.

01:00:45.460 And what happened was when I put my career second, number one, my career is better than

01:00:50.860 it's, it's ever been.

01:00:51.640 And it's, it's going up.

01:00:53.180 Everything's going up.

01:00:53.920 So I didn't lose any steam.

01:00:54.740 Cause I still do my work.

01:00:55.760 You know, I still, I still work at it, but it kind of made me realize like, yeah, the

01:00:59.640 ugly parts of our career, like the, you know, the, the, like the loneliness of it or

01:01:04.720 like, you know, the greed or like, do I really need to go after everyone on social

01:01:09.780 media, do I need to post this thing just to have a chance to go viral?

01:01:13.240 Like how much of myself do I want to sell?

01:01:15.580 Right.

01:01:15.680 You know, do I want to go out in the middle of the street and pull my dick out so it could

01:01:18.080 go viral?

01:01:18.520 Do I want to do that?

01:01:19.480 Right.

01:01:20.040 And when I put my career second, it was, the answer was no, because the truth is, yeah,

01:01:24.220 I want to sell out.

01:01:25.020 I don't need to sell at arenas, but I'd like to sell out theaters.

01:01:27.860 You know, I don't, I don't, I, I, I'm not gonna, I'm not one of those guys like, I'll

01:01:31.020 do anything to make it.

01:01:32.120 That's not true.

01:01:32.900 Yeah.

01:01:33.220 I'll do anything.

01:01:33.840 I'll do anything to make it that I see sometimes.

01:01:35.680 Yeah.

01:01:35.760 Sometimes like, yeah, I don't know.

01:01:37.840 I'm worried that I'm just not going to, that I'm going to run out of good ideas if I don't

01:01:40.580 be a good person.

01:01:41.320 That's like my thing.

01:01:42.180 Well, I think it's caught.

01:01:42.920 I think, yeah, well, that's just positive.

01:01:44.280 I believe a lot in energy now.

01:01:45.540 You know, ever since I, ever since I had my kid, like love, the energy, like love is

01:01:50.020 an energy and it's, and it's, and it's real and it's palpable.

01:01:52.960 And I feel it with my daughter.

01:01:54.480 Mail us some, dude.

01:01:55.340 We need some out here in Los Angeles.

01:01:56.520 Come here.

01:01:56.860 I'm going to get, I'll get whatever.

01:01:57.860 It's a trouble.

01:01:58.300 You want to see that remote dick?

01:01:59.160 We're missing some.

01:01:59.800 No, I do not.

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01:03:27.140 I want some fucking home fries, man.

01:03:28.640 What are we talking about, Nick?

01:03:29.500 Some breakfast potatoes.

01:03:30.720 What are we talking about today?

01:03:31.780 What's in the news today, Nick?

01:03:33.560 Let's see.

01:03:34.840 This happened a little while ago, but it's kind of relates to this podcast.

01:03:41.640 Our man, Chris Hansen.

01:03:44.560 And actually, more news as we record this just broke.

01:03:47.720 He's being evicted from his apartment.

01:03:49.820 Wow.

01:03:50.000 Yeah.

01:03:50.100 What was he doing?

01:03:50.640 Cashing blank checks?

01:03:52.340 Yeah.

01:03:52.680 He got in trouble.

01:03:54.260 He bought some merch from a vendor.

01:03:57.440 Okay.

01:03:57.900 Owean him $13,000.

01:03:59.300 Tried to write out two checks to him to pay him back.

01:04:01.720 Kept begging for more time.

01:04:03.260 Those checks bounced.

01:04:04.140 So the guy called the cops and there's his mugshot.

01:04:07.060 And now-

01:04:07.320 That's a crime if one of your checks bounces?

01:04:09.900 Like if I wrote a check that bounced, that's a crime?

01:04:12.600 Yeah.

01:04:12.720 You should call your daughter's school right now.

01:04:14.440 Yeah.

01:04:14.700 Because I've had a couple of those puppies bounce.

01:04:17.060 Dude, they don't always bounce.

01:04:18.060 I remember they would come back NSF, insufficient funds.

01:04:20.700 Yeah.

01:04:21.380 I don't understand.

01:04:21.640 And I'll say this, man.

01:04:22.880 Chris Hansen was on here.

01:04:24.540 On the show?

01:04:25.300 Yeah.

01:04:25.760 Really?

01:04:26.460 That's fucking dope.

01:04:27.620 And it was cool.

01:04:28.340 It was cool.

01:04:29.120 Yeah, it was a great episode.

01:04:30.340 It was a fun episode.

01:04:31.340 It was interesting.

01:04:32.960 He seemed like a good dude, right?

01:04:34.220 Warm dude?

01:04:35.520 He did seem like a warm dude.

01:04:36.940 I mean, he probably still is.

01:04:38.220 This doesn't make him a bad dude.

01:04:39.740 No, this doesn't make him a bad dude.

01:04:40.760 Yeah.

01:04:41.280 But he-

01:04:41.980 A pattern of behavior to us.

01:04:43.260 A pattern of behavior.

01:04:44.380 And so he had a, you know, he had an experience at a hotel.

01:04:48.700 You know, we put him up for a night in a hotel and flew him out here.

01:04:51.700 Right.

01:04:52.260 Right.

01:04:52.820 So, and that's the only guest that we've done it for.

01:04:55.180 Right.

01:04:55.340 I'm a big Chris Hansen fan.

01:04:56.700 Of course.

01:04:57.120 I wanted him to, you know, I just wanted to be able to sit down with him and chat.

01:05:00.560 And I don't even think I did that good of an interview, but I think that it was, you

01:05:05.960 know, I learn as, we learn as we go.

01:05:08.100 And, but then he like ran up extra nights at, like extra stuff at the hotel, like, and

01:05:13.820 tried to keep it onto our tab, even though it was-

01:05:17.620 Oh, like what?

01:05:18.180 Like dinners and drinks and shit like that?

01:05:19.940 We, we agreed to only one night, he tried to do three, say he didn't have his credit

01:05:24.260 card when he left the, when he left the hotel.

01:05:27.620 Yeah.

01:05:28.480 Huge, huge room service bills.

01:05:30.340 So this isn't shocking to you is what you guys are saying.

01:05:32.260 Cause it was shocking to me, but-

01:05:33.740 I thought it was a misunderstanding when it happened at the hotel, but then you see this-

01:05:36.800 But if you see this and it patter.

01:05:37.940 Yeah.

01:05:38.240 He's, he's like a anti-hero.

01:05:39.720 He's like catching predators, but he's a klepto behind the scenes.

01:05:42.620 Yeah.

01:05:43.240 This feels like it's got gambling written all over it.

01:05:46.380 Spa, you know, he had some spa treatments.

01:05:48.700 I don't know if it's a gambling.

01:05:49.620 I think.

01:05:50.340 No, in the sense that you get guys who are compulsive gamblers and gamble their, their

01:05:53.800 funds away, do kind of do shit like this.

01:05:55.820 It's always, I need more time.

01:05:56.920 I need more time.

01:05:58.040 As soon as you said that he said, I need more time, that's gambling.

01:06:01.040 That's feels like he's a gambler.

01:06:02.400 Oh, cause the time.

01:06:03.120 Cause if I get this next bet, then I'll be even.

01:06:04.960 It feels like he's, that's what it feels like, but I could be wrong.

01:06:08.480 Well, yeah.

01:06:09.040 Well, the thing that makes me think it just kind of, I don't know.

01:06:13.840 The first thing I thought was, man, I wouldn't do this to somebody.

01:06:16.120 I wouldn't, you know, have an extra $1,500 worth of hotel bill.

01:06:19.400 That's a lot of money, man.

01:06:20.240 Yeah.

01:06:20.380 Right.

01:06:20.580 For a couple of nights at a hotel.

01:06:21.980 Yeah.

01:06:22.240 And, um, and not, and try to be in, you know, like.

01:06:27.440 And he never paid you guys back.

01:06:28.540 No, we got, no, we got literally the, according to the girl that helps us, you know, arrange

01:06:35.780 some of this, um, she said like that he was walking out of the hotel and she was on the

01:06:40.680 phone with the guy, with the front desk.

01:06:42.820 And the lady was literally saying, uh, Mr. Hanson, Mr. Hanson, um, to have him put down

01:06:48.360 his card, his card.

01:06:49.540 So he had to.

01:06:50.180 Yeah.

01:06:50.660 Yeah.

01:06:50.880 He had to.

01:06:52.020 So.

01:06:52.740 Wow.

01:06:53.100 But I don't, and the crazy thing is that he didn't seem like if I'd have tried to call

01:06:57.280 him or try to reach him, like he wouldn't have, you know, kind of tried to answer, like

01:07:02.100 he wouldn't have answered the phone.

01:07:02.940 It seemed like he would have answered the phone.

01:07:03.880 He would have communicated.

01:07:04.840 Yeah.

01:07:05.260 But so yeah, it just kind of hurt my feelings a little because it was like, oh, I wouldn't

01:07:07.880 do that to somebody, you know?

01:07:09.340 So you had a bit of a sour taste in your mouth for Hanson after that experience before this

01:07:13.700 shit happened.

01:07:14.220 Yes.

01:07:14.740 Interesting.

01:07:15.240 That's very interesting.

01:07:15.960 I did a little bit.

01:07:16.480 And he even texted me today.

01:07:17.500 I didn't text him back, but the shit, when he, um.

01:07:20.980 Yeah.

01:07:21.080 You don't text people back.

01:07:21.920 You make people feel bad, man.

01:07:23.620 That's true.

01:07:24.140 I had two texts out to you.

01:07:25.260 Can't wait to see you play, boy.

01:07:26.480 I'm in LA.

01:07:27.500 Miss you.

01:07:27.940 Love you.

01:07:28.280 And you just wrote back, I'll be at the studio in 15 minutes.

01:07:30.540 Yeah.

01:07:30.720 You know what I mean?

01:07:31.200 I was running late.

01:07:32.080 But I texted him three days ago.

01:07:34.340 Yeah, that's true.

01:07:34.880 You know?

01:07:35.620 That's true.

01:07:36.040 Really, really late, man.

01:07:37.200 Yeah.

01:07:37.780 Dude, there's enough of attraction between us.

01:07:40.340 I don't want you getting any wrong ideas.

01:07:42.220 You know?

01:07:43.620 But the thing was, it was like, but why would you, it must be some sort of a, it felt like

01:07:51.680 an addiction that he had.

01:07:52.600 Compulsion.

01:07:52.840 Because, yeah, compulsion.

01:07:54.120 That's a much better word.

01:07:55.020 Thanks, Nick.

01:07:55.340 Yeah.

01:07:56.120 That's what I think.

01:07:56.800 Could be clever, man.

01:07:57.100 Yeah.

01:07:57.320 What is he, like, is it to spend?

01:07:58.760 Like, I wonder what that is, you know, to, the need to live at a certain means.

01:08:02.060 Yeah.

01:08:02.120 Because we put him up at, you know, I think it was a Four Seasons, somewhere nice.

01:08:04.460 Somewhere nice, yeah.

01:08:05.200 So, it was, yeah, the, it's like.

01:08:08.700 It's probably an adrenaline rush.

01:08:09.640 I bet you it's connected to adrenaline, man.

01:08:11.420 Yeah.

01:08:11.640 Or living a, that's the thing that's scary about popularity and about your ego is that.

01:08:17.980 It warps you, man.

01:08:18.980 It's almost like people who get extremely famous, it becomes, like, that's a mental health issue.

01:08:24.480 Yeah.

01:08:24.620 Like, being a big celebrity is a mental health issue that people, like, it's almost like

01:08:29.800 quarterbacks, you know, got to take those tests, you know, NFL, you know, NBA rookie

01:08:35.120 camps, they have to go mandatory, two-week training, mandatory about how their life's

01:08:40.440 going to change.

01:08:41.440 That should be with celebrities.

01:08:42.500 You become an A-lister.

01:08:43.640 Yeah.

01:08:43.980 Deadline says you're an A-lister, a variety, whatever.

01:08:46.320 You got to take a fucking course.

01:08:47.540 Take the fucking course, dude.

01:08:48.180 You got to take a course, bro.

01:08:49.500 The wonder lick.

01:08:50.480 The wonder lick.

01:08:51.040 Sorry.

01:08:51.380 Yeah, I was about to say the wonder lust because I'm a fucking dumb piece of shit.

01:08:54.420 No, you're an okay guy.

01:08:56.080 I appreciate it, brother.

01:08:57.220 Well, let me watch the special.

01:08:58.260 You think I look thinner or what do you think?

01:08:59.480 I go, I'd still look fat.

01:09:00.360 Well, the jacket definitely looks like something that a trans worker wears.

01:09:04.460 Yeah.

01:09:04.900 Or somebody that operates transit, you know.

01:09:06.880 Oh, okay, yeah.

01:09:07.900 A bus driver wears.

01:09:08.200 I thought it was like a transgender jacket.

01:09:09.560 Oh, no.

01:09:09.920 It's definitely like a sexy bus driver.

01:09:11.440 Fuck yeah, dude.

01:09:12.040 You know, something that a bus driver got their wife or husband.

01:09:15.300 That's by, you know, crotch.

01:09:18.380 Yeah, 100%.

01:09:19.060 Yeah.

01:09:19.580 Yeah, man.

01:09:20.880 It's fake leather, too.

01:09:22.300 Yeah.

01:09:22.600 And you got that rare body type.

01:09:23.860 I got it.

01:09:24.440 I'm built like a Conestoga wagon.

01:09:25.940 Yeah, bro.

01:09:26.760 Yeah, I got.

01:09:27.360 So I got that rare.

01:09:28.400 I'm a letdown for women, man.

01:09:30.080 Are you?

01:09:30.420 Yeah, because when I take my shirt off, it's a mess.

01:09:32.280 But you go to the gym all the time.

01:09:33.260 I do, but I just, you know what I mean?

01:09:34.480 I just got flubber.

01:09:35.540 So there's nothing I could do, you know.

01:09:37.440 I told you the guy told me I had a leading man face, best friend body.

01:09:40.580 Really?

01:09:40.860 You know, some casting director said you got a leading man face, best friend body.

01:09:43.960 That's a fucked up thing to say, but it was hilarious.

01:09:45.880 Yeah.

01:09:46.140 I tweeted it, you know.

01:09:48.100 Yeah, you got those blue eyes, though, dude.

01:09:49.820 You look like a handsome guy who kind of got, like some elevator doors kind of smashed him.

01:09:55.520 Smashed on him, yeah.

01:09:56.540 Yeah.

01:09:56.860 Yeah.

01:09:56.980 Yeah.

01:09:57.940 Yeah.

01:09:58.780 Yeah.

01:09:59.500 Yeah.

01:09:59.820 Yeah, the blue eyes are a get out of jail free card, dude.

01:10:02.960 Well, I think women feel like I can protect them because I'm a bigger dude and whatever,

01:10:06.860 but I feel like, you know, I noticed like the pattern.

01:10:09.520 It's like the first month women are really into me, and then it slowly starts to be like,

01:10:13.240 oh, this guy wasn't what I thought he was.

01:10:14.980 Oh, wow.

01:10:15.380 You know, so, but it's all good.

01:10:17.120 Do you really notice that pattern?

01:10:18.180 I notice that pattern.

01:10:18.960 Like, girls are usually in, they're really in the first few weeks, and then they're really out,

01:10:23.680 you know, after that.

01:10:24.660 Like, because, you know, biting my nails, eating my boogers, you know, like doing shit,

01:10:29.020 like, you know, like, you know, being too open with them, like, hey, I slept in the bed

01:10:32.360 with my mom until I was 15, you know, having anxiety, being scared of the dark,

01:10:37.120 not being able to fix shit, you know, having one titty, like, way bigger than the other,

01:10:41.220 you know, shit like that, you know, farting, you know, like, that's the real me, you know,

01:10:46.700 I'll bite my toenails.

01:10:47.840 Yeah, don't be, don't be the real you, dude, for other people.

01:10:51.040 Yeah.

01:10:51.420 You know, save the real you for you.

01:10:53.020 Yeah, yeah.

01:10:53.700 I think, but it's so true, if we were all ourselves, like, you know, if people really

01:10:57.920 knew about all, and I try to share as much as I can before, you know, sometimes it's like,

01:11:03.160 but if people really knew, like, you know, some of our behaviors, I think, now, that's

01:11:07.420 an interesting thing.

01:11:07.900 I think it's okay if people know your fears, because that's something they can really relate

01:11:11.880 to, but some behaviors make people really sketchy, you know?

01:11:17.100 Yeah, man, like, you know, and...

01:11:19.260 Like, I met a girl one time, sorry to interrupt you, but she had, I don't want to forget this,

01:11:22.320 and I will forget, she had, you know, and we dated for a while, and she would wear the

01:11:27.140 same panties, right?

01:11:28.360 And sometimes she would wear them backwards.

01:11:30.820 Wow.

01:11:31.100 And one time, they had, like, a little kind of doody kind of touch on the front.

01:11:35.060 Did she have fumes?

01:11:36.480 I don't know what that is, but...

01:11:38.040 Fumes, like, you know, did the vag smell?

01:11:39.960 Oh, I don't know, I don't remember about all that.

01:11:41.400 Because that's a big thing, if a girl has fumes or not.

01:11:43.800 Oh, I don't know.

01:11:44.820 Yeah.

01:11:45.380 She, this girl just had switched her underwear around, you know?

01:11:48.280 Yeah, but that may give off some fumes.

01:11:50.600 Yeah, well, when I see them switch, I'm out, bro.

01:11:54.540 You're out, you were just out immediately.

01:11:56.260 Yeah, I'm not some guy who's letting a girl...

01:11:58.680 Yo, you're fucked up, dude.

01:11:59.780 First of all, that is straight up how they make pink eye, okay?

01:12:03.660 That is where it's made.

01:12:04.660 I had pink eye the other day, it was fucking wild.

01:12:06.680 Did you?

01:12:07.000 I had a big ass thigh in my eye.

01:12:08.420 Yeah, it was from farting on my phone.

01:12:10.300 Oh.

01:12:12.200 Oh.

01:12:14.220 Oh, my God, bro.

01:12:15.400 That shit was wet, right?

01:12:16.840 Yo, my fans call me Chrissy Wellfarts.

01:12:19.000 Do they really?

01:12:19.740 Because my shit sound like they're in a well.

01:12:21.300 Underwater ass crack, yeah.

01:12:23.000 I got a deep, deep, deep asshole, man.

01:12:25.560 That's what it is.

01:12:26.140 Really?

01:12:26.220 Yeah, I had to get a colonoscopy.

01:12:28.180 Oh, wow.

01:12:28.620 Yeah, the doctor, because I was telling him, like, I played some audio on my farts, and

01:12:32.420 I sent him some pictures of my shits in the office, and he was like, we need to take a

01:12:35.260 look.

01:12:35.840 And when they went in there, he said I was...

01:12:36.860 Take a look?

01:12:37.320 Who is it?

01:12:37.400 He said I was all good.

01:12:38.520 Jerry Nasser?

01:12:39.420 Was it that fucking gymnastics?

01:12:41.280 Larry Nasser.

01:12:42.040 Larry Nasser?

01:12:42.560 He said, we got to take a look, and then he told me, he said, everything's fine, but he

01:12:46.020 said, you know, in clinical terms, he said, I have a very deep, deep rectum.

01:12:49.180 Oh, wow.

01:12:49.620 So he said, that's what's causing the sounds of the farts.

01:12:51.460 Pretty cool.

01:12:51.880 Rectum damn near killed him.

01:12:53.440 That's Chris Farley.

01:12:54.740 Did he say that line, rectum damn near killed him?

01:12:56.740 Sounds familiar.

01:12:58.300 Nick's sister does colonoscopies.

01:13:00.540 Oh, she's a GI doctor?

01:13:02.000 No, she's no doctor.

01:13:03.860 Just running freelance, bro.

01:13:05.080 Oh, wow.

01:13:05.980 That colonoscopy's colonics.

01:13:07.820 Oh, colonics.

01:13:08.540 Yeah, that cleans your whole shit out.

01:13:09.900 You can pretty much just come off the street.

01:13:11.740 Yeah.

01:13:12.220 I mean, basically, the van will pull up.

01:13:14.220 You know?

01:13:15.120 You ever done one of those?

01:13:16.000 You ever got your shit cleaned out like that?

01:13:17.360 No, dude.

01:13:18.340 I'll let God do what he needs to do inside of my body.

01:13:20.520 Well, I'm living biblically.

01:13:23.600 Living biblically.

01:13:24.680 I'm living biblically.

01:13:25.280 What a piece of shit.

01:13:26.500 Did we have some questions that came in for Chris, Nick?

01:13:29.340 When was the last time you cried?

01:13:32.920 Like, sobbing.

01:13:34.320 Like, really cried.

01:13:35.960 First of all, that guy looks like a sexy member of ISIS.

01:13:38.580 Doesn't he just look like a handsome terrorist?

01:13:40.060 He does.

01:13:40.360 Can we pull him back off?

01:13:40.720 Looks like a handsome terrorist, that fucking guy.

01:13:42.680 God.

01:13:44.220 Cry.

01:13:45.080 Yeah.

01:13:46.060 Yeah.

01:13:46.520 Just a fucking hot, just model for a jihad.

01:13:49.500 Yeah, like if terrorist wanted to take you on a weekend adventure, he would be the host.

01:13:54.140 He would be the host.

01:13:55.120 Yeah.

01:13:55.880 The last time I cried was actually about four days ago.

01:14:05.120 I cried because I was talking to my kid's mom about my daughter.

01:14:14.340 And we were just having a conversation and I was just telling her, I just got emotional.

01:14:18.740 I was just thanking her for giving me Delilah.

01:14:21.540 Oh, wow.

01:14:21.820 And then I just started to get like real, I just started to cry.

01:14:24.400 And she was like, you know, she kicked me out, but it's what it is.

01:14:26.620 You know, we're not together anymore.

01:14:27.860 That's powerful.

01:14:28.620 Yeah, but I started to cry.

01:14:29.720 Wow.

01:14:30.260 Will you guys have another kid, you think, you and her?

01:14:32.400 If I'm good, this is how wild I am and just how I feel.

01:14:35.420 If I'm going to have another child, I'd prefer to be with her.

01:14:38.380 I don't want my daughter to have different moms.

01:14:41.040 You know, I don't want my daughter's sibling to have a different mom.

01:14:43.440 Yeah.

01:14:43.640 So it's like, I'd rather, if I'm going to, even though we're not together, you know,

01:14:46.640 she's not interested in that.

01:14:48.060 She just wants to have more kids.

01:14:48.980 But if I was going to have another kid, I'd prefer to be with her.

01:14:51.860 Like, let's do it this way.

01:14:52.640 Even if we're not together.

01:14:53.600 And I'm not saying we're getting back together.

01:14:54.980 It's like this, you know what I mean?

01:14:56.000 No, that's huge.

01:14:56.420 But she's not interested in it.

01:14:57.660 Well, it's so huge because it's like, you know, and that's a sweet thing, man.

01:15:01.580 I can imagine that, you know, like just, you know, feeling like, wow, I have this gift.

01:15:06.760 And even though it's my daughter, like, I wouldn't have it.

01:15:09.440 Even with this person that I may not even always get along with perfectly.

01:15:12.120 Yeah.

01:15:12.560 But I wouldn't have it.

01:15:13.460 I would not have it.

01:15:14.320 And she harbored her life.

01:15:15.760 And she's like, the mom is the most important.

01:15:17.560 So sometimes you just got to be thankful.

01:15:18.780 Even though, like, we go through our own bullshit romantically or we did.

01:15:22.640 Yeah, she just needs to be thanked, you know, because Delilah changed my whole life.

01:15:28.880 Yeah, my dad used to say, what would he say to us?

01:15:30.720 He would say, oh, you got to always love your mother.

01:15:33.940 That's what he said.

01:15:34.580 You got to always love your mother.

01:15:35.580 Because, yeah, I think no matter, sometimes even what our moms do to us or they don't do

01:15:39.860 to us or provide or don't they, the simple fact that they went through all that is pretty

01:15:45.160 severe.

01:15:46.320 Pretty severe.

01:15:47.080 Because a woman even, like, you know, women, you know, they get a little bit, they really,

01:15:51.260 a lot of their aging happens when they have a child.

01:15:53.580 Sure.

01:15:54.100 Yeah, the child takes, and that's why it's like.

01:15:56.300 Children are burglars, man.

01:15:57.440 Bro, it's burglars.

01:15:58.280 And that's why, like, you know, that's why I say love is powerful and I think can be measured

01:16:02.620 because it's like the kid, you know, what it does to a woman's body and how much it changes

01:16:07.760 their life.

01:16:08.260 The only way that you don't remove it from your life, because you could, all you could do

01:16:12.020 is not feed it or smother it and it's gone.

01:16:13.860 Yeah.

01:16:14.100 But the only reason, like, you know, like a bug, you know, you have no attachment to

01:16:16.780 you, is fuck it.

01:16:17.380 But a bug's a living thing, like a child's a living thing.

01:16:19.520 But it's like, there's, like, love.

01:16:21.840 Love is the energy that keeps that, keeps it together and keeps your child alive in the

01:16:27.120 beginning.

01:16:27.620 You know, of course, it's nurturing and food and all that, but it's really love.

01:16:30.900 If you don't have love, if you didn't love it, you'd just walk away from it and the

01:16:34.580 child can do nothing.

01:16:35.700 So it's all love.

01:16:36.900 And that probably happens sometimes, too.

01:16:38.440 Oh, absolutely.

01:16:39.060 You hear about it all the time.

01:16:39.760 People leaving their babies out on doorsteps out in the cold, whatever they do.

01:16:42.300 Yeah, at the Dunkin' Donuts.

01:16:44.180 Dunkin' Donuts.

01:16:45.260 Yeah.

01:16:46.080 Dunkin' fuckin' Donuts.

01:16:48.020 But I like that.

01:16:48.700 I wonder if they, you know, I thought about this a couple years ago, if they would have

01:16:51.420 an app that would, you could find someone you wanted to start a family with.

01:16:58.520 Yeah.

01:16:58.680 And it was just on that, like, you know, I want to meet somebody to have a kid.

01:17:02.840 Right.

01:17:03.000 Not about the love.

01:17:03.820 It's not really about our connection.

01:17:05.360 Yeah.

01:17:05.720 But to see, like, you know, how do we live close enough?

01:17:08.600 How would we, you know, would this person be a loving enough person to have a child with?

01:17:12.040 It just seems like a safer place sometimes.

01:17:14.600 Safer place.

01:17:15.060 Yeah.

01:17:15.260 I mean, I guess in some ways, you know, I mean, you're not sharing it with the person,

01:17:17.960 but, like, you donate.

01:17:19.340 I've donated my sperm, and I was chosen not.

01:17:21.840 Are you serious, dude?

01:17:22.340 I don't want to be notified.

01:17:23.340 But, like, somebody's, you know?

01:17:25.240 Are you serious, man?

01:17:26.280 Bro, yeah.

01:17:26.760 And the doctors.

01:17:27.240 What are you doing, bro?

01:17:28.020 Bro, the doctors told me in there.

01:17:29.540 They said, look.

01:17:30.060 They said, you know, because I got a doctorate degree.

01:17:32.000 They're like, you got a doctorate degree.

01:17:33.060 They're like, so your sperm will be.

01:17:35.120 Women are going to take the sperm.

01:17:36.360 Fuck, bro.

01:17:36.580 Because of the level of education.

01:17:37.740 So you have children out there, probably.

01:17:39.060 Probably, but I told them, like, I don't want to be notified.

01:17:41.600 What the fuck, dude?

01:17:42.280 I just wanted to give that glue out.

01:17:44.260 You're a deadbeat dad, bro.

01:17:45.080 I don't want to give that glue out, bro.

01:17:46.920 No, but my point is, is, like, what you just said.

01:17:49.360 It's like, when you donate your sperm, like, women are out there that are, like, you know,

01:17:52.140 maybe they're a lesbian couple, or maybe they just don't want a man in their life,

01:17:54.700 but they want to procreate.

01:17:56.260 So that's kind of what they do.

01:17:57.180 Dude, she looked at my profile, if someone did pick.

01:18:00.440 They have a picture, too?

01:18:01.440 They have everything.

01:18:02.480 What kind of headshot did you give them?

01:18:04.720 Was it high school, or what was it?

01:18:06.220 No, I took a picture in the office.

01:18:07.820 Dude, I would only donate a little bit of sperm to them.

01:18:09.640 How much did you give them?

01:18:10.520 I gave them one load, man.

01:18:12.240 I gave them one fucking load.

01:18:13.500 Oh, dude, bro?

01:18:13.980 Yeah, I shot it out.

01:18:14.900 What a cheap date, dude.

01:18:16.180 Dude, I put a...

01:18:16.700 How much did they give you?

01:18:18.280 What did I get?

01:18:18.900 Maybe 125, 150?

01:18:20.720 Oh, my God.

01:18:21.620 Yeah.

01:18:22.620 Cash money play.

01:18:23.980 Cash money, cuz.

01:18:24.980 Bro, what a whore.

01:18:29.800 Cuz, I fucking...

01:18:30.660 125?

01:18:31.820 I went out to Applebee's and Times Square.

01:18:33.960 Did you really?

01:18:35.320 Yo, Applebee's and Times Square,

01:18:36.440 they jacked the fucking price up.

01:18:37.600 It's bullshit.

01:18:38.080 If you're ever in New York City,

01:18:39.060 do not go to Applebee's and Times Square.

01:18:40.900 Something that costs $30 for a whole meal

01:18:43.820 in the Outer Burroughs will cost $30 a burger

01:18:46.920 in Applebee's and Times Square.

01:18:48.360 There's a really piece of shit move

01:18:49.720 that they do as a corporation.

01:18:50.920 I could see that.

01:18:51.580 Yeah, I'm not, you know.

01:18:52.440 I'm gonna go there this year, I think, to New York.

01:18:53.900 Would you do Caroline's

01:18:55.300 if you could do, like, some good shows there?

01:18:57.440 Or would you do...

01:18:58.960 Gotham?

01:18:59.620 Yeah.

01:18:59.940 Oh, no, like a theater.

01:19:00.980 Oh, like me personally?

01:19:02.620 Yeah.

01:19:02.960 Well, I headline, usually I do Gotham.

01:19:04.940 I've been headlining Gotham.

01:19:05.760 Yeah, I've been to Gotham before, too.

01:19:06.820 But if I could sell enough tickets,

01:19:08.440 I would do a theater.

01:19:09.180 Yeah.

01:19:09.360 For sure I'd do a theater, yeah.

01:19:10.400 What's Caroline's, like,

01:19:11.320 compared room-wise to Gotham?

01:19:12.720 I believe Caroline's maybe could seat

01:19:14.320 a few more people, I believe.

01:19:16.780 But audience-wise,

01:19:18.140 like, you can have a Times Square audience,

01:19:19.360 so you'll have a lot of people there

01:19:20.280 who know you,

01:19:20.740 but also a lot of people

01:19:21.620 who are just tourists coming in.

01:19:23.760 Where Gotham Comedy Club

01:19:25.060 is located on 23rd Street and 7th,

01:19:26.680 that's a part of Manhattan

01:19:27.680 that's not really touristy.

01:19:29.000 Right.

01:19:29.300 It's people that live there.

01:19:31.120 Oh, they live there.

01:19:31.320 You know what I mean?

01:19:31.700 You can have the neighborhood come out.

01:19:32.980 So it's up to you what you want.

01:19:34.680 Now, what about this, though?

01:19:36.200 Do you...

01:19:37.960 Is Caroline's...

01:19:38.760 How do you like performing

01:19:39.780 on which stage is better?

01:19:40.940 I haven't been on Caroline's.

01:19:42.000 Personally, I like them both.

01:19:44.420 But personally,

01:19:45.340 I feel comfortable at Gotham

01:19:46.960 just because I've...

01:19:48.060 In the last couple years,

01:19:50.240 I've been performing there

01:19:50.940 a lot more than Caroline's,

01:19:51.800 but I don't think you can go wrong

01:19:52.860 either way.

01:19:53.280 Caroline's is awesome, too.

01:19:54.240 I mean, it's Caroline's is a...

01:19:55.200 They're both iconic New York clubs

01:19:56.800 and the only places

01:19:57.500 you can go to headline in New York.

01:19:58.980 Yeah, I've never been to Caroline's.

01:20:00.140 That's why I was thinking about

01:20:00.880 a different experience.

01:20:01.720 I mean, it's dope.

01:20:02.360 It's like right in Times Square.

01:20:03.260 It's fucking huge.

01:20:04.200 Is it?

01:20:04.560 You know, you go down these stairs

01:20:05.700 and the whole shit opens up

01:20:07.200 and it's Mafia Rand,

01:20:09.040 so it's kind of old school.

01:20:09.800 Is it pretty wide like Gotham

01:20:11.040 or is it deep

01:20:11.660 or is it what's it like?

01:20:12.580 It's deeper than Gotham.

01:20:13.880 For sure, deeper than Gotham.

01:20:15.080 Gotham is wide.

01:20:15.920 Caroline's is deep.

01:20:16.860 Okay.

01:20:17.340 Yeah.

01:20:17.800 Just thinking about that.

01:20:18.800 Yeah.

01:20:19.660 Well, look,

01:20:20.760 I hate to interrupt Chris

01:20:22.360 shamelessly plugging his podcast

01:20:25.280 a million times,

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01:21:46.540 to start your two months now.

01:21:48.260 That's Skillshare.com

01:21:49.640 slash Theo Vaughn.

01:21:51.820 Onward.

01:21:52.920 And now back to myself

01:21:54.860 and Mr. Chris.

01:21:57.080 Yeah,

01:21:57.580 I don't know about

01:21:58.380 that Chris Hansen thing.

01:21:59.140 I don't know if I should,

01:21:59.800 maybe I should,

01:22:00.500 I don't know if I should,

01:22:01.700 I don't need to reach out

01:22:03.380 to him and you think?

01:22:04.420 What did he text you?

01:22:06.160 He just texted,

01:22:08.860 I don't think,

01:22:09.760 I don't think,

01:22:10.460 it's not on you anymore, man.

01:22:12.680 You know?

01:22:13.280 I mean,

01:22:13.540 when did he text you?

01:22:14.400 He's probably asking for money.

01:22:15.680 Months ago.

01:22:16.220 He was asking for loot?

01:22:17.240 For months ago.

01:22:18.180 No,

01:22:18.400 that would have been great

01:22:19.000 though if he was.

01:22:20.780 As long as,

01:22:21.400 as long as your check

01:22:22.320 cleared from him.

01:22:23.140 He texted he was,

01:22:24.000 he was going to push the show

01:22:25.060 and stuff like that.

01:22:25.680 He didn't text me like this week.

01:22:26.740 Oh, I thought you said.

01:22:27.240 Did he ever push the show out?

01:22:28.480 Did he do it?

01:22:29.180 No, he didn't.

01:22:29.860 Oh, yeah, I don't know.

01:22:31.120 We had a question

01:22:31.820 that came in in the last hour

01:22:32.980 for Chris,

01:22:34.420 okay, let's fire that one in.

01:22:37.820 Hey, Theo, hey, Chris.

01:22:39.200 This is Landon

01:22:39.980 from Kansas City, Missouri

01:22:41.320 and I was calling in

01:22:43.100 about a question for Chris

01:22:44.580 but first I just wanted

01:22:46.700 to start by saying

01:22:47.700 that I seen Theo

01:22:49.560 on your little show there, Chris

01:22:51.380 and you're making fun

01:22:52.320 of the Rat King's hair.

01:22:54.800 You better leave it alone.

01:22:56.540 You better leave him alone.

01:22:58.540 All right?

01:22:59.100 That guy's my second one.

01:22:59.640 I just wanted to say

01:23:00.220 that you look Dutch

01:23:01.000 and you look like

01:23:01.720 an aerodynamic Dutch person

01:23:03.360 at that.

01:23:03.780 You sure do.

01:23:04.680 All right.

01:23:04.960 He has four noses.

01:23:06.100 But on another note,

01:23:07.920 I just wanted to know

01:23:08.720 how old were you

01:23:09.420 when you got into comedy

01:23:10.360 and what attracted you

01:23:12.520 to comedy?

01:23:13.220 Thank you.

01:23:14.440 First of all,

01:23:15.560 that kid

01:23:16.180 is a fucking menace

01:23:18.060 and needs to be on a leash.

01:23:19.500 That's my fucking boy

01:23:19.600 right there, dude.

01:23:20.680 What do you mean?

01:23:20.940 That's probably your son, dude.

01:23:22.060 You've been fucking

01:23:22.600 spraying out everywhere.

01:23:23.920 Somebody needs to fucking

01:23:24.940 start pumping Ritalin

01:23:26.020 through that dude's

01:23:26.720 air conditioner vents.

01:23:27.860 He needs to calm

01:23:28.620 the fuck down.

01:23:29.500 That kid looks just like him,

01:23:30.620 Bucko.

01:23:30.660 That kid,

01:23:31.320 look at his nose, man.

01:23:32.280 He's got lumped the fuck up.

01:23:34.260 Bro, it's what happens

01:23:35.260 when you don't know

01:23:36.560 who your dad is, dude.

01:23:37.500 Kids beat you up a lot.

01:23:38.440 I like this kid, though.

01:23:40.060 He's a good kid.

01:23:41.240 I like this kid.

01:23:42.240 I like this.

01:23:42.740 This is my kind of kid.

01:23:44.800 I started comedy

01:23:45.980 when I was 25 years old

01:23:47.940 is the age I started.

01:23:49.060 And then I was still

01:23:50.560 doing physical therapy.

01:23:51.660 I'm sorry, 24.

01:23:52.620 I was still doing

01:23:53.120 physical therapy

01:23:53.840 until I was about 28.

01:23:56.020 And then I started

01:23:56.540 doing professionally

01:23:57.300 since 28.

01:23:58.640 28 years old, yeah.

01:24:01.840 I was trying to think

01:24:02.700 of what else

01:24:03.040 I was going to talk to you about.

01:24:04.220 I'm 38.

01:24:05.020 38?

01:24:05.520 Yeah, I'm 34.

01:24:06.480 We're the same age, bro.

01:24:07.700 Yeah.

01:24:08.240 Do you ever think about

01:24:09.060 leaning into the doctorate thing

01:24:10.520 and being like

01:24:11.140 some type of funny...

01:24:13.060 Like a Dr. Drew type cat?

01:24:14.580 Or like a Dr. Oz?

01:24:15.980 I feel like you got

01:24:16.740 more qualifications

01:24:17.440 than that guy.

01:24:18.140 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:24:18.920 I mean, you know...

01:24:19.800 Oh, yeah.

01:24:20.100 I could see you

01:24:20.600 having some hilarious

01:24:21.880 physical therapy videos online.

01:24:24.360 Yeah.

01:24:25.600 Hilarious.

01:24:26.040 I should actually do...

01:24:26.780 Yeah, for my career,

01:24:27.480 I should do that shit for real.

01:24:28.800 Oh, that's my next show.

01:24:29.900 That's my next idea.

01:24:30.740 That'd be fun.

01:24:31.200 I'm on it.

01:24:31.820 Yeah.

01:24:32.060 Producer.

01:24:32.420 You're a producer.

01:24:32.900 Yeah.

01:24:33.160 Done.

01:24:33.440 Getting straightened out.

01:24:35.920 Yeah, fuck yeah.

01:24:36.880 Yeah, straightened out.

01:24:38.300 Yeah.

01:24:39.440 You know what?

01:24:39.840 Or just start looking

01:24:40.640 for kids that look like you

01:24:41.700 and fucking...

01:24:42.720 Where do they male the sperm to?

01:24:43.860 Give me a little bit more

01:24:44.660 on the sperm

01:24:45.060 before you go off

01:24:45.720 on this guy's question.

01:24:46.420 That isn't even any good.

01:24:47.600 You know, I just...

01:24:48.540 You know, I splooged

01:24:49.780 into the tube.

01:24:50.900 And what is it like in there?

01:24:52.120 They got a tube...

01:24:52.760 Do you got different tubes?

01:24:53.620 You have two options, man.

01:24:54.800 You could either get

01:24:55.720 your prostate pushed on

01:24:57.300 like a nurse will come in

01:24:58.040 and profess you to do it

01:24:58.600 and you just sploge it out.

01:24:59.560 It's just like...

01:25:00.160 You're lying.

01:25:00.740 I swear to God.

01:25:01.680 It's like a technique

01:25:02.600 that these nurses

01:25:03.740 are just good at.

01:25:04.640 Damn.

01:25:04.940 Just get the sploge out

01:25:05.780 if you don't want to masturbate.

01:25:06.620 That's a dark heart, bro.

01:25:07.040 If I've ever heard it, dude.

01:25:07.800 Somebody pushing it

01:25:08.620 and what, you got an ass...

01:25:09.700 Yeah.

01:25:09.860 Like a button in your ass?

01:25:10.720 Yeah.

01:25:11.260 Oh.

01:25:11.580 And then the other one

01:25:12.280 is they got...

01:25:13.300 You go into this room

01:25:14.220 and they got...

01:25:15.040 They got like nudie mags

01:25:18.460 and all that

01:25:18.860 and then they give you

01:25:19.360 the Wi-Fi.

01:25:20.080 My place had the Wi-Fi

01:25:21.020 and you could, you know,

01:25:22.880 jerk off on your phone.

01:25:23.920 Yeah.

01:25:24.540 Yeah, no problem.

01:25:25.240 What the fuck?

01:25:25.680 How did that happen?

01:25:26.320 Is it like a house

01:25:27.160 or is it a doctor's office?

01:25:28.100 It was a doctor's office.

01:25:29.160 So it was like just like,

01:25:29.820 you know, secure.

01:25:31.760 I'm not coming

01:25:32.060 in a place like that.

01:25:32.680 I would come at somebody's house

01:25:33.780 if it were like a deep,

01:25:34.620 you know, like...

01:25:35.060 Yeah.

01:25:35.540 If you have your own room

01:25:36.420 or something.

01:25:36.700 Yeah.

01:25:36.820 I'm not going to just...

01:25:37.980 In a doctor's office?

01:25:38.840 Doctor's office.

01:25:39.280 And what?

01:25:39.620 You just let them

01:25:40.000 walk out of the room with it?

01:25:40.800 Yeah.

01:25:41.100 I just came...

01:25:41.480 Like it's if you're peeing

01:25:42.200 in a cup, man.

01:25:42.780 I just came up with my glue.

01:25:44.300 What?

01:25:45.000 Yeah.

01:25:45.540 That's so bizarre though.

01:25:46.660 Doesn't that feel crazy

01:25:47.720 to you to know?

01:25:48.300 It felt wild.

01:25:48.840 Well, the reason why

01:25:49.660 it all started

01:25:50.220 is because when I got...

01:25:52.840 My kid's mom got pregnant,

01:25:54.280 you know,

01:25:54.440 she had taken like a plan B after it

01:25:56.120 and I had gotten another girl

01:25:57.080 pregnant like four years

01:25:58.040 before that.

01:25:59.120 So it was like this...

01:25:59.720 And she was on birth control.

01:26:00.800 So it was like some weird shit.

01:26:01.980 And the doctor,

01:26:02.880 the OBGYN,

01:26:04.000 was like,

01:26:04.840 you should get your sperm checked.

01:26:06.220 Like that's abnormal.

01:26:07.820 So I went and got my sperm checked

01:26:08.940 and I donated it.

01:26:10.520 And so they had it.

01:26:11.680 And then when I donated it,

01:26:13.140 they called me into the office

01:26:14.460 like three days later.

01:26:15.700 And then they had a good batch?

01:26:17.640 Well, they said to me,

01:26:18.460 like there was three doctors

01:26:19.280 that came in

01:26:19.700 and they said,

01:26:20.100 listen,

01:26:20.560 they opened up,

01:26:21.220 they said,

01:26:21.420 where were you born?

01:26:22.780 And I said,

01:26:23.220 Queens,

01:26:23.580 St. John's Hospital,

01:26:24.260 Queens, New York.

01:26:24.700 They said,

01:26:24.920 are you sure?

01:26:25.900 I said,

01:26:26.440 100%.

01:26:27.300 And they're like,

01:26:28.000 well,

01:26:28.460 like you verify it.

01:26:29.560 Can you verify it

01:26:30.180 with your mom or dad?

01:26:31.340 And I said,

01:26:31.740 yeah.

01:26:31.980 Why they thought you

01:26:32.460 was somebody else?

01:26:33.160 Well,

01:26:33.240 I called my mom

01:26:33.860 and I was like,

01:26:34.260 where was I born?

01:26:34.820 And she said,

01:26:35.120 St. John's Hospital,

01:26:35.800 Queens, New York.

01:26:36.200 And I said,

01:26:36.460 are you sure?

01:26:36.860 You're not lying to me?

01:26:37.500 Like I wasn't adopted.

01:26:38.480 She's like,

01:26:38.800 no,

01:26:39.040 I swear to God,

01:26:39.740 you weren't adopted.

01:26:40.840 So I said,

01:26:41.180 what's going on?

01:26:41.640 I started to get nervous.

01:26:42.520 And he said,

01:26:42.980 well,

01:26:43.340 I have three times

01:26:44.820 the amount of sperm

01:26:45.600 in every load.

01:26:47.640 I mean,

01:26:47.760 he was,

01:26:48.000 you know,

01:26:48.260 he was,

01:26:48.600 I forgot what technical term he was.

01:26:49.900 What a creep.

01:26:50.240 Who is a guy?

01:26:51.000 No,

01:26:51.220 he's a,

01:26:51.340 say his name.

01:26:52.000 He's a,

01:26:52.240 it was Chris Hansen.

01:26:55.540 Yeah.

01:26:56.720 And so,

01:26:57.340 so,

01:26:57.920 so he told me I have three times

01:26:58.940 the amount of sperm.

01:26:59.460 He said,

01:26:59.740 so he asked me if I was born

01:27:00.980 in Chernobyl.

01:27:01.980 How did they notice

01:27:02.560 by how much it weighs?

01:27:03.460 Like,

01:27:03.620 can they just.

01:27:04.020 Well,

01:27:04.240 there's a microscope,

01:27:05.100 but they asked,

01:27:05.560 they said the only time

01:27:06.120 they've ever seen that,

01:27:07.480 like abnormality

01:27:08.520 and mutation of the sperm

01:27:09.660 is a child who's been born

01:27:11.300 near a nuclear reactor.

01:27:12.640 No way.

01:27:13.160 So they thought maybe

01:27:13.400 I was born in Russia

01:27:14.100 near Chernobyl.

01:27:15.100 And then they thought

01:27:15.860 that maybe I had a tumor

01:27:16.580 on something,

01:27:17.160 but what they found out was

01:27:18.420 is that I have an overactive

01:27:19.740 cowper's gland.

01:27:20.620 It's called cowper's gland.

01:27:21.340 And it's like what makes your sperm.

01:27:22.680 And so my,

01:27:23.440 my thing is,

01:27:24.160 is I make a lot of sperm.

01:27:25.940 You got that hot cowper's.

01:27:26.980 So I got that hot cowper's.

01:27:28.440 So I can get a girl pregnant.

01:27:29.540 The doctor explained to me,

01:27:30.300 they said,

01:27:30.600 you're the guy.

01:27:31.240 If a girl's looking

01:27:32.120 to conceive a child,

01:27:33.460 she wants a guy like you.

01:27:34.720 But if you're looking

01:27:35.460 to have like just one night stands

01:27:36.900 and have sex all night,

01:27:37.820 you're not the guy.

01:27:38.440 Cause when I shoot it out,

01:27:39.520 it takes a long time

01:27:40.600 for my cowper's gland

01:27:41.620 to refuel my jizz.

01:27:43.720 And as I've gotten old.

01:27:45.040 Like Cecil Fielder.

01:27:46.100 Exactly.

01:27:46.980 And as I've gotten.

01:27:47.420 Like it's definitely,

01:27:48.220 it's legit.

01:27:48.960 But it's a little slow.

01:27:50.860 Yeah.

01:27:51.400 So as I've gotten older,

01:27:53.060 it's been taken.

01:27:54.620 It takes longer and longer.

01:27:55.600 So after I bust a nut,

01:27:57.060 no matter what,

01:27:57.660 it takes a few days

01:27:58.480 for me to catch an erection again.

01:27:59.820 So,

01:28:00.240 but if I want to have children,

01:28:01.160 I can get girls pregnant instantly.

01:28:03.960 You know,

01:28:04.380 it's going to happen.

01:28:05.220 Wow.

01:28:05.540 Cause it's so a very high chance.

01:28:07.280 So you're kind of,

01:28:08.180 yeah,

01:28:08.340 you should do tour India

01:28:09.380 or something.

01:28:09.940 Yeah.

01:28:10.180 Like you can fricking

01:28:10.960 definitely banging out.

01:28:12.180 Right.

01:28:12.560 Or just,

01:28:13.120 I mean,

01:28:13.440 for a hundred,

01:28:13.960 you might as well go

01:28:14.560 door to door

01:28:15.120 and at least know

01:28:15.720 what's going on

01:28:16.240 and get some of the joy

01:28:17.040 out of it.

01:28:17.440 Instead of throwing

01:28:18.240 a whole batch,

01:28:19.520 just something for $125.

01:28:21.340 I just can't believe

01:28:22.180 you don't think

01:28:22.540 more of yourself than that.

01:28:23.940 Yeah.

01:28:24.460 And it got taxed?

01:28:25.100 Yeah,

01:28:25.600 it did.

01:28:26.960 Yeah.

01:28:27.520 Dude,

01:28:27.780 that's like,

01:28:28.360 in New York,

01:28:29.240 that's like,

01:28:29.920 dude,

01:28:30.120 you're looking at 35,

01:28:31.200 you're looking at 90 bucks.

01:28:32.480 Yeah,

01:28:32.760 bro,

01:28:32.920 I didn't get shit.

01:28:34.040 And did you just drive over there?

01:28:36.540 No,

01:28:36.960 I took the train.

01:28:38.180 Yeah.

01:28:38.580 Oh my God,

01:28:39.880 bro.

01:28:41.080 Where was this?

01:28:41.980 Auschwitz?

01:28:42.600 Who the fuck takes a train

01:28:43.880 to fucking jerk Auschwitz for 90 bucks?

01:28:45.840 Yo,

01:28:46.180 man,

01:28:46.440 Louis C.K.

01:28:47.160 Yeah.

01:28:47.440 That's true.

01:28:48.300 That's true.

01:28:49.240 Yeah.

01:28:49.980 He does it on the train.

01:28:51.080 Yeah.

01:28:51.260 What if his closer,

01:28:52.900 Louis C.K.'s closer,

01:28:54.160 when he does another special?

01:28:55.400 Yeah.

01:28:56.560 He's just like,

01:28:57.400 hey,

01:28:57.780 I just want to let everybody know in here

01:29:00.240 that I'm about to jerk off,

01:29:02.100 right?

01:29:02.360 And you can stay if you want,

01:29:03.920 right?

01:29:04.220 Yeah.

01:29:04.680 And then the lights just go off

01:29:06.260 and he's just on the stage.

01:29:07.700 I would love it.

01:29:09.100 I would love it,

01:29:10.000 man.

01:29:10.520 That'd be dope.

01:29:11.180 That'd be tackling the shit head on.

01:29:12.600 And it's called,

01:29:13.120 you can stay if you want.

01:29:14.140 You can stay if you want.

01:29:15.320 That's what the special's called.

01:29:16.300 Yeah.

01:29:16.660 Would you watch it?

01:29:17.420 I would 100% watch it.

01:29:19.040 Would you watch it?

01:29:19.600 I like Louis C.K.'s comedy.

01:29:20.980 Oh,

01:29:21.280 dude,

01:29:21.620 he's one of the greatest of all time.

01:29:22.740 Would you watch it in a,

01:29:23.820 one of those interactive theaters

01:29:25.320 like 4D?

01:29:26.120 100% with those Oculus

01:29:27.460 virtual reality cards

01:29:28.600 and just get fucking splooged on?

01:29:30.980 100%.

01:29:31.300 No,

01:29:32.740 that's not part of it,

01:29:33.500 dude.

01:29:33.520 Oh,

01:29:33.620 my bad.

01:29:34.120 It's just you would be able

01:29:34.960 to hear it better.

01:29:35.780 My fault,

01:29:36.240 man.

01:29:36.340 I'm hungry.

01:29:38.020 I'm looking to nibble on some shit.

01:29:39.480 I'm hungry,

01:29:39.840 too.

01:29:39.920 Have you eaten?

01:29:40.620 No.

01:29:41.180 You got to go straight to the airport?

01:29:42.240 Yeah.

01:29:42.700 I ain't got to fucking go.

01:29:44.020 I would have left to hang.

01:29:45.320 You see that card right there,

01:29:46.220 Daryl Strawberry?

01:29:46.700 You weren't there that day

01:29:47.400 when I ran into Daryl Ohio

01:29:48.320 on cocaine,

01:29:48.840 were you?

01:29:49.100 No,

01:29:49.380 but he was coked

01:29:49.900 out of his fucking mind.

01:29:50.800 Oh,

01:29:50.920 you were coked out of your mind.

01:29:51.840 Yeah.

01:29:52.100 Yeah,

01:29:52.280 I saw the pictures of it.

01:29:54.420 Yeah,

01:29:54.700 let's talk about Opie real quick.

01:29:56.020 Yeah,

01:29:56.160 let's do it.

01:29:57.180 When was the last time

01:29:58.260 that you went?

01:29:58.660 Because the show,

01:29:59.520 I was out of town

01:30:00.360 and then the show just shut down.

01:30:01.800 The last time I went on

01:30:02.880 Opie and Sirius

01:30:03.720 was one of the last time,

01:30:04.780 one of his last episodes.

01:30:05.920 Really?

01:30:06.280 Yeah,

01:30:06.620 because we're pretty cool,

01:30:07.440 but I've done his podcast.

01:30:08.340 He has a podcast now,

01:30:09.240 I do.

01:30:09.400 Well,

01:30:09.520 I like Opie.

01:30:09.980 I'm grateful.

01:30:10.400 He's given me great opportunities.

01:30:11.620 I mean,

01:30:11.720 he's just had a,

01:30:12.600 you know,

01:30:12.960 he had a kind of

01:30:13.700 assorted ending over there.

01:30:15.000 Yeah,

01:30:15.340 it was kind of abrupt and whack,

01:30:17.360 but I still do Jim and Sam too.

01:30:18.860 It's all love over there.

01:30:19.760 It's like,

01:30:20.260 for the most part,

01:30:21.020 you know,

01:30:21.180 they may have their issues,

01:30:22.260 but for the comedians,

01:30:23.320 like they've kept us out of it

01:30:24.420 and like we can,

01:30:25.540 we're free to roam

01:30:26.320 on both dude shows.

01:30:27.580 Yeah.

01:30:27.860 So it's pretty,

01:30:28.440 pretty awesome.

01:30:29.120 You know what?

01:30:29.420 That is pretty cool actually

01:30:30.420 that both,

01:30:32.020 yeah,

01:30:32.500 like,

01:30:32.900 yeah,

01:30:33.180 like Jim and Opie

01:30:33.920 seem to like not get along.

01:30:35.140 Yeah.

01:30:35.560 But that,

01:30:36.780 yeah,

01:30:37.020 they never seemed like,

01:30:38.040 oh,

01:30:38.100 you were on that guy's thing.

01:30:39.400 Nah,

01:30:39.560 they don't feel that way.

01:30:40.540 Not petty.

01:30:40.920 No,

01:30:41.200 they ain't petty.

01:30:41.800 They're not petty.

01:30:42.600 At least not for me,

01:30:43.640 you know,

01:30:43.960 so it's dope.

01:30:45.000 That's the same,

01:30:45.840 man.

01:30:47.060 Do you miss the show?

01:30:48.420 I do.

01:30:49.240 I do.

01:30:49.780 Because I feel like,

01:30:50.960 you know,

01:30:51.260 it was fun.

01:30:51.860 We would go in there

01:30:52.340 in the mornings or afternoons

01:30:53.640 and,

01:30:54.240 you know,

01:30:54.440 the vibe was dope.

01:30:55.620 You know,

01:30:55.820 like we go on YouTube,

01:30:56.780 fuck around,

01:30:57.340 meet all kinds of people

01:30:58.160 and now it's like,

01:30:59.280 you know,

01:30:59.840 it's a little different in New York.

01:31:01.600 Like,

01:31:01.740 you know,

01:31:02.480 it's like you guys feel like

01:31:03.420 you have like this,

01:31:04.080 you know,

01:31:04.240 you have podcasting networks

01:31:05.400 and,

01:31:06.120 you know,

01:31:06.440 Fighter and the Kid

01:31:06.960 is right across the hall.

01:31:07.640 It's not like that in New York.

01:31:08.480 Like,

01:31:08.600 people are doing podcasts

01:31:09.320 in their apartments

01:31:10.520 or in a studio

01:31:11.660 where it's just them.

01:31:12.660 They're sharing office space

01:31:13.560 so it's like Sirius XM

01:31:15.320 was dope

01:31:16.240 and Opie's show was dope

01:31:17.040 because like,

01:31:17.800 you would be in there

01:31:19.040 doing somebody else's show

01:31:20.160 and then walk past Opie

01:31:21.200 and he'd call you in.

01:31:22.000 It was like this open door policy

01:31:23.440 that's kind of gone now.

01:31:25.120 Oh,

01:31:25.500 I felt like I'd arrived,

01:31:27.000 man,

01:31:27.180 when I got on that show.

01:31:28.200 It was,

01:31:28.680 yeah,

01:31:29.460 it was so nice

01:31:30.060 to be able to just go in there

01:31:31.300 and it was,

01:31:32.480 yeah,

01:31:32.760 and that's how I met you.

01:31:33.860 Yeah.

01:31:35.400 We became buddies

01:31:35.880 even though we grew up

01:31:36.680 in the,

01:31:36.920 you know,

01:31:37.100 in the same area.

01:31:38.100 There was so many people

01:31:39.020 I met in there.

01:31:39.520 I got to talk to

01:31:40.320 Danny McBride in there.

01:31:41.960 Hell yeah,

01:31:42.300 we were on the phone.

01:31:42.880 I was with you,

01:31:43.360 yeah.

01:31:43.660 Have you ever met him?

01:31:44.720 I met him one time after that.

01:31:45.860 He was dope?

01:31:46.760 It was really quick.

01:31:47.640 I just got a picture

01:31:48.140 with him in Montreal last year.

01:31:49.520 Oh,

01:31:49.760 shit.

01:31:50.100 I was excited.

01:31:50.580 Because I wonder if he remembers

01:31:50.860 that phone call.

01:31:51.480 Probably not.

01:31:52.180 That was probably the 10th

01:31:52.880 phone call he did that day.

01:31:53.640 And I said something stupid too,

01:31:55.080 like I was like getting a picture.

01:31:56.600 He's like,

01:31:56.920 yeah,

01:31:57.380 oh,

01:31:57.660 dude.

01:31:58.340 And I kind of like didn't know

01:31:59.500 what to say right before.

01:32:00.340 And I was like,

01:32:00.740 ah,

01:32:00.960 I think I'm going to say this.

01:32:02.200 And then he's like,

01:32:02.820 how's the day?

01:32:03.960 Everything going good for you?

01:32:05.140 You know,

01:32:05.420 we're just taking a picture

01:32:06.300 just saying like small talk.

01:32:07.840 And I was like,

01:32:08.500 yeah,

01:32:08.740 man,

01:32:09.100 a lot of ladies up here,

01:32:10.180 you know,

01:32:10.600 good thing I brought my dick.

01:32:13.820 And he didn't say anything.

01:32:15.020 Yeah.

01:32:16.260 So they were just

01:32:17.100 both standing there smiling

01:32:18.800 right after I said that.

01:32:20.240 And it was so uncomfortable.

01:32:21.500 So weird,

01:32:22.160 right?

01:32:22.220 I felt horrible.

01:32:23.040 And right when I didn't get

01:32:23.860 any reaction from him,

01:32:24.400 I was like,

01:32:24.740 I'm never going to be in a movie

01:32:25.660 with him.

01:32:26.000 I'm never going to see him.

01:32:27.440 I'm never going to get

01:32:28.240 to donate sperm in his area.

01:32:30.060 In his area.

01:32:30.800 Dude,

01:32:30.980 the other day I was at,

01:32:31.860 I was doing Doug Love's movies

01:32:33.160 at UCB Franklin.

01:32:35.120 And it was so fun.

01:32:35.760 Doug's a fucking man.

01:32:36.820 And I was doing a UCB Franklin,

01:32:38.760 which is like,

01:32:39.160 you know,

01:32:39.360 they're great fans over there,

01:32:40.700 but it's like,

01:32:41.060 you know,

01:32:41.200 they're real PC.

01:32:42.040 And I just forgot

01:32:42.680 because New York,

01:32:43.320 you can just say shit.

01:32:44.020 It's not as PC as it is out here.

01:32:45.340 Yeah.

01:32:45.640 I was like telling some story

01:32:47.180 about how like,

01:32:48.560 I was at a play once

01:32:49.580 and like my boys were like,

01:32:50.580 look at this girl's ass.

01:32:51.500 And like,

01:32:52.000 like in New York,

01:32:52.820 it's like,

01:32:53.460 it gets a laugh,

01:32:54.320 but there they're like,

01:32:55.240 oh,

01:32:56.020 like it got real uncomfortable

01:32:57.420 and I started bombing,

01:32:58.920 you know,

01:32:59.160 cause like I was just,

01:33:00.140 it was like just objectifying women.

01:33:02.240 And you know,

01:33:03.140 in New York people,

01:33:04.040 even women were like just laugh,

01:33:05.280 but out there,

01:33:05.860 they were like,

01:33:06.280 you fucking pig piece of shit.

01:33:07.640 Like you're the problem.

01:33:08.640 Yeah.

01:33:08.900 And I was like,

01:33:09.220 oh boy.

01:33:09.960 But it's crazy

01:33:10.380 cause as you drive over

01:33:11.540 to the part of town,

01:33:12.380 all the billboards

01:33:13.080 are objectifying women.

01:33:14.280 Of course.

01:33:14.780 Instagram,

01:33:15.320 it's all bullshit.

01:33:16.120 That's the thing.

01:33:16.700 The theme,

01:33:17.220 nobody cares.

01:33:17.700 It's all bullshit.

01:33:18.820 It's like as soon,

01:33:19.400 if you're a person

01:33:20.040 that you're like spilling

01:33:21.540 your agenda to me,

01:33:22.800 I stay away from you

01:33:23.880 cause I'm like,

01:33:24.360 you're hiding shit.

01:33:25.380 You're just hiding shit.

01:33:26.780 Well,

01:33:26.920 I just hope to be able

01:33:27.700 to just be in a good place

01:33:28.800 in this.

01:33:29.040 I just want to learn

01:33:29.560 as I go,

01:33:30.140 you know?

01:33:30.380 And I just,

01:33:31.420 I mean,

01:33:31.640 I get stressed out,

01:33:32.660 but that's one thing

01:33:33.140 that's different recently

01:33:34.040 has just been more stressed.

01:33:35.240 You stressed it.

01:33:35.640 Why bro?

01:33:36.240 It's just a lot going on,

01:33:37.480 you know,

01:33:37.880 it's stressful.

01:33:38.540 I don't,

01:33:38.760 you know,

01:33:38.920 and I've never had anybody

01:33:39.880 where I work together,

01:33:40.740 you know,

01:33:40.900 Nick and I worked,

01:33:41.860 you know,

01:33:42.040 so Nick's in here.

01:33:42.720 So like sometimes

01:33:43.120 I don't communicate

01:33:43.720 well with him

01:33:44.460 and then it's like,

01:33:45.680 you know,

01:33:45.920 I'm stressed

01:33:46.620 and then it's like,

01:33:47.380 the only person

01:33:48.180 I talk to,

01:33:48.700 I mean,

01:33:48.800 Nick's like pretty much

01:33:49.340 my girlfriend almost,

01:33:50.400 you know?

01:33:50.960 But you do,

01:33:51.400 I mean,

01:33:51.600 you're making money now,

01:33:52.560 you're doing like real shit,

01:33:53.600 you're doing what you want,

01:33:54.320 you can do whatever you want now.

01:33:55.320 Yeah.

01:33:55.880 Yeah,

01:33:56.120 so I don't know,

01:33:56.700 so I don't know what it is sometimes.

01:33:57.980 It's like,

01:33:58.200 well,

01:33:58.300 what's making me?

01:33:58.920 Well,

01:33:58.940 just think about,

01:33:59.660 just,

01:33:59.780 just,

01:34:00.040 just,

01:34:00.460 you know,

01:34:01.140 ask 10 years ago,

01:34:02.620 Theo,

01:34:02.900 if he would be stressed.

01:34:04.140 If you told Theo of 10 years ago,

01:34:06.320 you're going to have all this,

01:34:07.380 I think he would be like,

01:34:08.340 oh my God,

01:34:08.740 I'd be over the moon

01:34:09.360 if you told me I could have that,

01:34:10.460 I'd have no problems.

01:34:11.700 Well,

01:34:11.880 now you're here.

01:34:12.700 Yeah.

01:34:13.080 So now you're just creating problems.

01:34:14.360 You don't have any problems.

01:34:15.500 Yeah.

01:34:16.200 You've,

01:34:16.280 you've made it in many ways.

01:34:17.980 Yeah.

01:34:18.140 So you should just take comfort in that

01:34:19.400 and just,

01:34:19.820 you know,

01:34:20.420 because there's a lot of people

01:34:21.680 that would do anything

01:34:22.260 to have what you have.

01:34:23.340 So I think it's,

01:34:23.900 it's important for us

01:34:24.540 to check ourselves.

01:34:25.720 Right.

01:34:25.960 Every,

01:34:26.440 you know,

01:34:26.720 so often,

01:34:27.380 every two,

01:34:27.860 three months,

01:34:28.280 whatever you want to do,

01:34:29.420 calibrate it,

01:34:29.980 but you got to check yourself

01:34:30.960 and be like,

01:34:31.280 oh,

01:34:31.640 how would the,

01:34:32.280 how would the older,

01:34:33.240 how would that latest version of me

01:34:34.820 feel about what this new version has?

01:34:36.660 They'd probably be happy about it.

01:34:38.220 So let's take comfort in that.

01:34:40.260 Yeah.

01:34:40.780 It's new problems,

01:34:41.500 but it's all good problems.

01:34:42.880 Champagne problems,

01:34:43.780 motherfucker.

01:34:45.220 That's a good,

01:34:46.180 I don't know what,

01:34:47.180 dude,

01:34:47.280 I want to fucking kiss you on the lips.

01:34:48.440 You wearing underwear?

01:34:49.200 Huh?

01:34:50.040 Yeah.

01:34:50.400 I'm wearing MeUndies,

01:34:51.300 dude.

01:34:51.440 They were one of our sponsors,

01:34:52.600 but they deserted us.

01:34:54.580 Tommy John?

01:34:55.060 No,

01:34:55.160 that's a surgery.

01:34:56.060 Bro,

01:34:56.260 Tommy John,

01:34:57.060 it's good.

01:34:58.100 It's a good way to like,

01:34:58.880 think about like the past

01:35:00.000 and think about now,

01:35:01.480 you know?

01:35:01.880 Yeah,

01:35:02.000 man.

01:35:02.020 I don't feel any different.

01:35:03.060 I just feel like,

01:35:04.400 yeah,

01:35:04.500 I just want to be funny,

01:35:05.260 you know?

01:35:05.720 Well,

01:35:05.860 you are though.

01:35:06.560 But I want to be,

01:35:07.300 I want to be,

01:35:08.280 yeah.

01:35:09.060 Your fans,

01:35:09.780 my point is like,

01:35:10.880 your fans are invested now.

01:35:13.300 Your fans aren't going anywhere.

01:35:14.760 You know what I mean?

01:35:15.580 Yeah.

01:35:15.840 They're not going anywhere,

01:35:16.660 so they fuck with you.

01:35:18.200 Neither is MeUndies,

01:35:19.100 by the way.

01:35:19.560 We're still part of MeUndies fam.

01:35:20.880 Oh,

01:35:21.040 really?

01:35:21.320 Yeah,

01:35:21.540 we got some coming up.

01:35:22.520 Oh,

01:35:22.700 thank you,

01:35:23.640 MeUndies.

01:35:24.200 Yo,

01:35:24.560 can you send your boy a pair?

01:35:26.020 Double XL?

01:35:26.820 We might have,

01:35:27.220 oh,

01:35:27.520 Double XL,

01:35:28.280 bro.

01:35:28.640 I don't know about that,

01:35:29.540 dude.

01:35:29.620 38 Ways.

01:35:30.260 Yeah,

01:35:30.520 wise,

01:35:30.780 you can pull them down

01:35:31.380 and just come into a cup

01:35:32.520 somewhere for 90 bucks.

01:35:34.260 Yo.

01:35:34.700 Dude,

01:35:34.880 you should do that

01:35:35.280 at the meet and greet

01:35:35.860 after your show,

01:35:36.460 just bust into a cup.

01:35:37.660 Yo,

01:35:37.920 that'll go viral.

01:35:38.640 I'm going to start doing it

01:35:39.260 on my podcast,

01:35:39.960 just coming on the pod.

01:35:41.060 Yeah.

01:35:43.060 I haven't been on

01:35:44.120 Obie's new show.

01:35:44.700 Have you been on it?

01:35:45.480 Yes.

01:35:46.060 Yeah,

01:35:46.280 I've been on it.

01:35:46.640 I'm doing it next week.

01:35:47.720 It's just a podcast.

01:35:48.500 You know,

01:35:48.600 one of the podcasts we did,

01:35:49.520 we just like walk around

01:35:50.300 New York City,

01:35:50.980 so it was kind of dope.

01:35:52.020 But now he's got a studio,

01:35:52.920 I think it's Westwood One

01:35:53.740 podcast studio,

01:35:54.580 so,

01:35:55.000 and it's doing well.

01:35:55.800 I mean,

01:35:56.320 you know.

01:35:56.820 Yeah,

01:35:56.940 people love Obie.

01:35:57.700 Obie's all good,

01:35:58.380 brother.

01:35:58.640 I mean,

01:35:58.800 he's got an eight bedroom

01:35:59.440 apartment on the Upper West Side.

01:36:00.600 I mean,

01:36:00.760 Obie's doing good.

01:36:01.200 Oh,

01:36:01.360 is that where he lives at?

01:36:02.140 Yeah,

01:36:02.360 Obie crushed it.

01:36:04.100 Yeah.

01:36:04.380 No,

01:36:04.480 you can say what you want

01:36:05.000 about Obie.

01:36:05.440 I mean,

01:36:05.620 he fucking crushed it

01:36:06.800 in this radio game.

01:36:07.860 Yeah.

01:36:08.240 Made millions of dollars.

01:36:10.040 Yeah.

01:36:10.460 I'm not saying anything

01:36:11.120 about Obie.

01:36:11.460 No,

01:36:11.620 no,

01:36:11.700 no,

01:36:11.780 I'm saying,

01:36:12.060 but you know how fans are,

01:36:12.940 you know what I mean?

01:36:13.360 Yeah,

01:36:13.640 people get,

01:36:14.660 you know.

01:36:15.180 People get on everybody

01:36:15.860 when it's like,

01:36:16.500 hey,

01:36:17.020 this dude fucking changed

01:36:18.740 radio for a little bit

01:36:19.940 over here.

01:36:20.400 Yeah.

01:36:21.180 You know,

01:36:21.400 if there was no Howard Stern,

01:36:22.600 you might have been

01:36:23.100 all about Obie.

01:36:24.160 Yeah,

01:36:24.320 I was trying to think

01:36:24.860 of some things

01:36:25.280 that are really like

01:36:25.840 positives for him,

01:36:26.960 and I was thinking

01:36:28.920 he met Carl,

01:36:30.360 you know.

01:36:30.620 Carl Ruiz,

01:36:31.180 yeah.

01:36:31.360 Yeah,

01:36:31.580 and they love

01:36:32.700 doing stuff together.

01:36:33.700 Absolutely,

01:36:34.140 and now Carl's divorced

01:36:34.940 and lives in the woods,

01:36:35.680 so it's like,

01:36:37.400 yo,

01:36:37.920 you know what I mean?

01:36:38.740 Sometimes your shit

01:36:39.360 just spins out.

01:36:40.320 Hey,

01:36:40.600 bro.

01:36:40.880 Yo,

01:36:41.300 I love Carl,

01:36:41.960 man.

01:36:42.480 Oh,

01:36:42.800 Carl,

01:36:43.180 dude,

01:36:43.400 at least he can cook.

01:36:45.020 Yo,

01:36:45.220 he just fucking,

01:36:45.760 he does cocaine off hot dogs

01:36:47.080 and then eats the hot dogs.

01:36:48.340 Yo,

01:36:48.560 he's fucking wild.

01:36:49.740 Oh,

01:36:50.080 dude,

01:36:50.420 yeah.

01:36:50.840 And he legit got divorced

01:36:51.960 and lives in a cabin in the woods

01:36:53.060 and he's like,

01:36:53.380 I'm killing it

01:36:53.900 and I believe him.

01:36:54.620 Oh,

01:36:54.860 bro.

01:36:54.960 He comes out with just

01:36:55.600 sandals and socks on.

01:36:56.900 We used to do that shit,

01:36:57.880 bro.

01:36:57.980 It's called a Somalian wildfire.

01:37:00.200 Oh,

01:37:00.420 you do cocaine off a hot dog

01:37:01.660 and fucking eat it.

01:37:02.320 Yeah,

01:37:02.680 dude,

01:37:03.000 Somalian wildfire.

01:37:03.900 Well,

01:37:04.000 it's so hard to eat it after,

01:37:05.240 bro.

01:37:05.340 The last thing you want in your mouth

01:37:06.580 after you've had some coke

01:37:07.560 is that fucking hot dog.

01:37:08.600 That fucking hot dog.

01:37:09.740 Yeah,

01:37:09.980 you know.

01:37:10.360 Well,

01:37:10.500 for some fellas anyway.

01:37:11.860 Yeah,

01:37:12.080 I'll fucking deep throat

01:37:12.760 that shit right now.

01:37:13.880 Well,

01:37:14.260 I'm not going to do that.

01:37:16.120 Chris DiStefano,

01:37:17.500 thanks for coming,

01:37:18.380 man.

01:37:18.640 Thanks for having me,

01:37:19.280 brother.

01:37:19.340 Yeah,

01:37:19.740 this is cool.

01:37:20.380 Yo,

01:37:20.540 I got my special coming out,

01:37:21.640 size 38 waist,

01:37:22.640 Comedy Central.

01:37:23.600 What a great term.

01:37:24.720 Yeah,

01:37:25.080 brother.

01:37:25.420 Rare size.

01:37:26.240 38 waist,

01:37:26.940 bro.

01:37:27.060 Chrissy bitch hips.

01:37:28.020 I mean,

01:37:28.200 you were built like a fucking Rubik's Cube,

01:37:30.060 huh?

01:37:30.120 Dude,

01:37:30.320 I'm like a stepmom.

01:37:31.260 I got a stepmom ass.

01:37:32.420 Oh,

01:37:32.640 damn,

01:37:33.160 dude.

01:37:33.660 Do you wear mom jeans?

01:37:34.620 I got that stepmother vibe,

01:37:35.880 yeah.

01:37:36.520 You should wear an apron.

01:37:37.300 I bet you wear an apron when you cook.

01:37:38.200 I do,

01:37:38.540 bro.

01:37:38.560 Bro,

01:37:38.860 most coats I wear,

01:37:39.680 they have to cover my ass.

01:37:41.100 I'm always,

01:37:41.460 I'm rocking trench coats usually 12 months out of the year

01:37:43.940 because I got to cover that butt up.

01:37:45.580 Look at the wheelbase on that fucking bad boy.

01:37:48.320 Yo,

01:37:48.500 and then check my podcast,

01:37:49.540 History Hyenas.

01:37:50.600 History Hyenas with you and Giannis Papas.

01:37:52.740 Yeah.

01:37:52.880 And your special is coming out on the 18th?

01:37:56.140 Friday,

01:37:56.600 January 18th.

01:37:57.500 That's awesome.

01:37:57.920 It's tomorrow.

01:37:58.380 That's tomorrow,

01:37:58.980 baby.

01:37:59.280 Oh,

01:37:59.460 shit.

01:37:59.760 When does this shit come out?

01:38:00.640 Next week.

01:38:01.320 Next week?

01:38:02.020 This actually is going to come out February 7th.

01:38:04.200 We had a bunch in the can,

01:38:05.400 but we'll put it out on all social.

01:38:07.840 Yeah,

01:38:08.020 put it on social media and also,

01:38:09.440 you know,

01:38:10.000 it came out already,

01:38:11.120 but you can see it on ComedyCentral.com.

01:38:12.500 I'll share the thing now.

01:38:13.160 ComedyCentral.com and the Comedy Central app.

01:38:14.760 It's streaming right now,

01:38:15.640 my special,

01:38:16.180 Size 38 Ways.

01:38:16.960 Check it out.

01:38:18.040 Yeah,

01:38:18.260 Size 38 Ways.

01:38:18.820 I'm excited to check it out,

01:38:19.820 man.

01:38:22.880 Of course,

01:38:23.160 brother.

01:38:23.340 We out here.

01:38:24.080 Now I'm just floating on the breeze

01:38:26.760 And I feel I'm falling like these leaves

01:38:29.700 I must be cornerstone

01:38:33.020 Oh,

01:38:35.800 but when I reach that ground

01:38:37.580 I'll share this peace of mind

01:38:39.740 I found I can feel it

01:38:41.780 In my bones

01:38:43.900 But it's gonna take

01:38:46.820 A little time

01:38:49.580 For me to set that parking brake

01:38:53.460 And let myself unwind

01:38:56.260 Shine that light on me

01:39:00.180 I'll sit and tell you my stories

01:39:05.860 Shine on me

01:39:10.900 And I will find a song

01:39:15.080 I will sing it

01:39:16.620 Just for you

01:39:18.460 And now I've been moving way too fast

01:39:25.960 On the runaway train

01:39:27.440 With a heavy lift of my heart

01:39:28.960 Ladies and gentlemen,

01:39:32.180 I'm Jonathan Kite

01:39:33.120 And welcome to Kite Club,

01:39:34.800 a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts

01:39:36.680 on things like current events,

01:39:38.480 stand-up stories,

01:39:39.540 and seven ways to pleasure your partner.

01:39:42.200 The answer may shock you.

01:39:43.500 Sometimes I'll interview my friends,

01:39:45.980 sometimes I won't.

01:39:47.680 And as always,

01:39:48.540 I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

01:39:50.620 You have three new voice messages.

01:39:53.600 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

01:39:56.520 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long,

01:39:59.180 longer than anybody else.

01:40:00.820 So great.

01:40:02.180 Hi,

01:40:02.820 sweetheart,

01:40:03.860 easy deal.

01:40:05.140 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club

01:40:06.980 is a dodgy bloody wanker.

01:40:09.100 Jermaine.

01:40:09.700 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese

01:40:13.020 and a McFlurry.

01:40:14.180 Sorry, sir,

01:40:14.660 but our ice cream machine is broken.

01:40:16.280 Oh,

01:40:16.620 no!

01:40:18.560 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

01:40:20.980 Anyway,

01:40:21.680 first rule of Kite Club is

01:40:23.260 tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:40:25.140 Second rule of Kite Club is

01:40:26.920 tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:40:29.400 Third rule,

01:40:30.320 like and subscribe

01:40:31.100 wherever you listen to podcasts

01:40:32.560 or watch us on YouTube,

01:40:34.520 yeah?

01:40:35.180 And yes,

01:40:35.720 don't worry,

01:40:36.220 my Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - January 31, 2019

Chris Distefano ｜ This Past Weekend #170

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