This Past Weekend with Theo Von - Christmas Spectacular with Will Sasso ｜ This Past Weekend #158

00:00:00.100 Today's episode is brought to you by one of my favorite places to be on earth, and that's Gray Block Pizza.

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00:00:19.260 Welp, it's still me, and I got something to say to you guys.

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00:01:48.100 Today's episode features a man who is swollen with joy.

00:01:52.680 A man who's probably, when you think about men, probably one of the top, maybe 9,000 men on planet Earth, I bet.

00:02:03.660 He's a guy, you may know him from Mad TV.

00:02:05.940 You may know him just from, you know, people love this guy.

00:02:10.180 He's basically a human Santa.

00:02:12.540 You know, he's kind of the, he's that South Pole Santa.

00:02:14.860 He's that sweaty bad boy.

00:02:16.820 And he's known time after time from different podcasts.

00:02:20.060 This is, no joke, the first time he and I have ever really had a conversation.

00:02:25.180 Because we don't even really know each other.

00:02:26.640 We've just seen each other in the hallway sometimes.

00:02:29.040 And you've got to see him in the hallway because you've got to go around him.

00:02:31.940 I mean, really, it's his hallway, and I'm just kind of waiting at the corner for him to pass so I can go down it.

00:02:36.620 Ladies and gentlemen, one of the top 9,000 men, I think I said.

00:02:40.380 Big Whitey himself, that honky-donk, Mr. Will Sasso. 0.96

00:03:00.460 Happy holidays, bro.

00:03:02.160 Happy holidays.

00:03:03.680 You celebrate Christmas or don't?

00:03:05.720 I do.

00:03:06.260 Yeah?

00:03:06.600 Yeah, I do.

00:03:07.720 Do you celebrate Christmas?

00:03:08.820 Oh, definitely.

00:03:09.640 So this is a safe space to say Merry Christmas.

00:03:12.180 Oh, definitely.

00:03:12.800 You can say that here?

00:03:13.640 Yeah.

00:03:14.380 I started saying it again.

00:03:15.940 Yeah, me too.

00:03:16.840 You know what? 1.00

00:03:17.380 Fuck people telling me you have to say happy holidays. 1.00

00:03:19.060 No. 1.00

00:03:19.300 You say it.

00:03:20.180 I say Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, because that's kind of what most people are.

00:03:24.880 That's what's in the area.

00:03:25.880 Yeah. 1.00

00:03:26.160 I don't give a fuck if you have blonde hair and a little, and a tiny little face. 1.00

00:03:31.220 I'll still say Happy Hanukkah to you. 1.00

00:03:32.840 Yeah.

00:03:33.340 I don't care.

00:03:34.060 Yeah.

00:03:34.620 If you can't even read.

00:03:35.660 When I was growing up, not a lot of people could read like they can now.

00:03:38.480 So you had to, you know, you couldn't really send a lot of Christmas cards.

00:03:42.940 You had to tell people, you had to, you know, tell them to their face.

00:03:46.180 Yes.

00:03:46.700 You know?

00:03:47.500 Like in our area, we didn't really grow up like in the, you know, reading area, I guess,

00:03:52.400 of the U.S. or some parts.

00:03:54.040 I grew up in like kind of like a side, like the-

00:03:55.620 A non-reading area?

00:03:56.600 Yeah.

00:03:56.800 More like a non-verbal belt.

00:03:58.620 And we had, I mean, I remember one of our teachers tried to only teach us, they only

00:04:02.320 had 18 letters in the alphabet.

00:04:04.360 Wait, are you, are we gone?

00:04:06.120 Yeah.

00:04:06.300 Oh, I don't know.

00:04:06.920 Are we?

00:04:07.220 Is this the Theo show?

00:04:08.680 Oh, welcome to this past weekend, guys.

00:04:10.260 We got Will Sasso here.

00:04:11.180 Hey, what's up?

00:04:12.340 One of the probably top 200 or 300 men in America, maybe.

00:04:17.040 Yeah.

00:04:17.380 Yeah.

00:04:17.600 I made the, well, this past year I was in the, just edged out of the top 200, but I

00:04:22.900 was in the top 300 men in America.

00:04:24.580 Yeah.

00:04:24.720 Yeah.

00:04:24.740 And who do people, a lot of times, who beats you out for that?

00:04:27.620 Like, is there a guy you're always neck and neck with?

00:04:29.300 Yeah.

00:04:29.560 There's a guy named, well, there's a guy named Dale Fuzz who lives in Kentucky.

00:04:33.580 Oh, yeah.

00:04:34.080 Who, he's a school bus driver and he's a man.

00:04:37.620 And he, he, him and I go back and forth a lot.

00:04:40.480 We got a lot of the same type of man things.

00:04:42.540 I can see that.

00:04:42.980 D Fuzz, dude.

00:04:44.080 And Kevin.

00:04:44.720 Bus 161.

00:04:47.040 Sometimes the bus drivers will get that horn, the horn from a rig, you know, put in the bus.

00:04:52.360 Put in the bus.

00:04:53.220 Or if you're, if in Dale's case, he has one of those, just this sort of thing.

00:04:56.920 So he can work this arm because he's also the high school football coach.

00:05:00.720 Oh, yeah.

00:05:01.380 So, yeah.

00:05:02.140 But Dale's got it like that. 1.00

00:05:03.200 And we both like smoked meats and shit. 1.00

00:05:04.840 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:05:05.280 So we kind of go back and forth.

00:05:06.860 And me, him, Kevin James.

00:05:08.300 Oh, wow.

00:05:08.900 Yeah.

00:05:09.040 I could see that.

00:05:09.880 Hovering around that 200 mark.

00:05:11.660 Yeah.

00:05:12.080 Yeah.

00:05:12.280 I'm always fighting for that 200 in men's magazine.

00:05:16.320 Man magazine.

00:05:17.340 Top 200 men.

00:05:19.000 Do you, how, cause you're kind of a bigger guy if I look at it.

00:05:22.360 I don't know.

00:05:22.900 I don't know.

00:05:23.640 If I'm reading your name, it seems like, oh, he could be any size.

00:05:26.800 I'm about 165 pounds.

00:05:28.500 Really?

00:05:28.700 Right now.

00:05:29.100 No, you're not.

00:05:30.180 I'm about 165, 170 pounds.

00:05:32.540 Are you saving up weight for something?

00:05:34.800 Yeah.

00:05:35.420 Yeah.

00:05:35.700 I'm getting ready for the, for, I'm playing the, I'm in the Dale Fuzz story.

00:05:41.240 Are you really?

00:05:41.780 Yeah.

00:05:42.040 We're going to shoot the Dale Fuzz story.

00:05:43.740 That's pretty cool.

00:05:44.400 It's independent.

00:05:45.140 So we'll see.

00:05:45.820 Who else is in it?

00:05:46.460 We'll see what happens.

00:05:47.800 Well, Dale Fuzz has a cameo.

00:05:49.360 Yeah.

00:05:49.760 Yeah.

00:05:50.380 So he's playing.

00:05:51.460 He's playing.

00:05:52.360 A bus driver, obviously.

00:05:54.320 Yeah.

00:05:54.960 Yeah.

00:05:55.200 So that'll be fun.

00:05:56.260 And it's me, him, Tony Collette.

00:05:59.100 Oh yeah.

00:05:59.760 Harlan Williams.

00:06:00.620 Harlan Williams.

00:06:01.560 Okay.

00:06:01.780 Yeah.

00:06:01.900 You read the Hollywood Reporter.

00:06:03.420 Gary Buscemi.

00:06:04.240 Gary Buscemi, who finally gets a role after all these years, you know, being in the shadow

00:06:09.600 of his little brother, Steve.

00:06:11.080 Yeah.

00:06:12.480 So it's going to be a good, it's going to be a good flick.

00:06:14.820 Yeah.

00:06:15.320 Yeah.

00:06:15.620 I can see that, man.

00:06:17.240 Is there a movie that you wanted to be in that you were, that you, that you weren't in?

00:06:21.100 I probably would have, well, I was a little, maybe it was a little before my time, but

00:06:27.380 I kind of, I like to, I like, you know, I'll watch Apocalypse Now and think that Marlon

00:06:32.100 Brando was pretty good in that role, but I could probably get a, I don't know, it would

00:06:35.660 have been one or two or not quite an embryo.

00:06:39.840 I could see you in Coach.

00:06:40.980 Have you ever seen Coach?

00:06:42.360 The TV show?

00:06:43.320 Yeah.

00:06:44.040 Yeah.

00:06:44.480 I loved that show, actually.

00:06:45.800 Yeah.

00:06:46.000 It wasn't one of my favorite shows, but I could always watch it.

00:06:48.260 Watch it.

00:06:48.760 Yeah.

00:06:49.140 Yeah.

00:06:49.480 That was watchable TV.

00:06:50.960 Yeah.

00:06:51.360 It's gone a little bit on the wayside, man.

00:06:53.120 Yeah.

00:06:53.400 The past, the first like 25 years of that show were good.

00:06:56.560 The past 17, 18 years of that show haven't been as good as the first quarter century.

00:07:01.960 There's Coach right there.

00:07:02.980 There's Coach.

00:07:03.540 Yeah.

00:07:04.080 Did you ever meet that guy?

00:07:05.660 Uh, no.

00:07:07.320 What's his name again?

00:07:08.140 Dale Hanson, I think.

00:07:10.180 Dale Hanson?

00:07:11.420 Dale Hanson.

00:07:12.240 That is Craig T. Nelson.

00:07:13.680 Craig T. Nelson.

00:07:14.500 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:07:14.720 Never met him.

00:07:15.140 No, I've never met Craig T. Nelson.

00:07:16.720 Wow.

00:07:17.500 And the other fellow is Jerry Van Dyke, Dick Van Dyke's brother.

00:07:22.580 Is it really?

00:07:23.420 Yeah, the guy, the older fella.

00:07:24.980 I met Dick Van Dyke at the comedy store one night.

00:07:26.780 Oh, really?

00:07:27.520 Yeah, he was like 140 years old.

00:07:29.200 He's amazing.

00:07:29.680 That's him.

00:07:30.340 Yeah, that's Jerry Van Dyke.

00:07:31.560 Wow.

00:07:31.960 Yeah, and yeah, Dick Van Dyke is amazing.

00:07:34.440 I follow-

00:07:35.020 He is amazing.

00:07:35.460 I follow him or his wife on Instagram or Twitter.

00:07:41.160 I can't remember. 0.99

00:07:42.440 And I mean that to say he doesn't post, but his wife posts shit of him. 0.99

00:07:47.160 On his behalf. 0.99

00:07:47.880 Which is amazing.

00:07:48.940 Yeah. 0.99

00:07:49.080 Because this is Rob Petrie, for fuck's sake. 0.99

00:07:51.240 Yeah. 0.99

00:07:51.500 Petrie.

00:07:52.360 You know, if you think of the old Dick Van Dyke show.

00:07:54.380 The guy's been around for 100 years.

00:07:56.340 And he's like, and she just shoots little videos of him like dancing and cracking jokes. 0.97

00:07:59.520 And he's fucking more entertaining than- 0.98

00:08:01.740 He's pretty hot. 0.98

00:08:02.620 He's on the top 100 man list.

00:08:04.480 Is she a pretty hot lady? 1.00

00:08:05.720 Is she a pretty hot- 1.00

00:08:06.500 I think.

00:08:08.540 If you're a 100-year-old man.

00:08:10.540 Not that, you know, I don't want to be ageist.

00:08:12.220 And I'm sure he could probably, you know, he probably does very well with the ladies.

00:08:16.660 What's wrong with Chris D'Elia, do you think?

00:08:18.540 Because-

00:08:19.100 What's wrong with Chris D'Elia? 1.00

00:08:20.560 Fuck, I don't know if we have enough time. 0.99

00:08:24.440 If you had to pick six things, dude, because I don't want to be mean to them. 1.00

00:08:26.800 Six things. 1.00

00:08:28.580 Holy fuck. 1.00

00:08:29.160 Let me just say right now, I'm keeping the sand hat on, but it's hot as fuck in here. 0.99

00:08:33.500 It's not that hot now. 0.87

00:08:34.260 What happened?

00:08:34.740 You said you were burning a candle?

00:08:36.060 Dude, I'm in a day.

00:08:36.740 We'll have to tell him what happened.

00:08:37.500 Oh, what happened? 0.99

00:08:38.660 What the fuck happened in here? 0.98

00:08:39.420 Well, we had a guy in here who had Tourette's Syndrome, and- 0.99

00:08:42.020 That has nothing to do with how hot it is.

00:08:43.340 Well, you left a lot of heat.

00:08:44.400 Also, you don't know how to wear clothes.

00:08:45.740 You would maybe be cooler.

00:08:46.540 Yeah, I do not know how to wear clothes.

00:08:49.140 If I learned a thing or two about wearing clothes-

00:08:52.380 Dude, black is a hot, hot color.

00:08:54.700 That's all I wear. 1.00

00:08:55.680 That's all I fucking wear. 0.99

00:08:56.720 Well, right there, dude. 0.99

00:08:58.020 I like to keep it hot.

00:08:58.920 So you've probably got a lot of heat hibernating now.

00:09:00.740 What temperatures does your body run at, you think?

00:09:03.960 Ooh, I don't know.

00:09:05.240 Have you ever taken a steak and done a sous vide on a steak?

00:09:09.440 Okay, so sous vide-

00:09:10.220 What's that?

00:09:10.820 Coming in it?

00:09:11.400 Well, it's basically just preheating the fats and the meats together.

00:09:16.540 You put it in a sous vide bag, and you can even get a special sous vide pot, and then

00:09:21.260 you hang the little steak over in there, and it just sort of, essentially, when you take

00:09:24.420 it out of there, you could eat it like that.

00:09:26.060 Oh, wow.

00:09:26.200 You wouldn't want to.

00:09:27.620 Is it good?

00:09:28.440 Well, then you throw it on the grill.

00:09:29.900 So then the inside, so you don't have a steak that, the inside's cold, but you're outside.

00:09:34.020 I mean, if you're me, you like it Chicago or Pittsburgh style.

00:09:36.240 Oh, yeah.

00:09:36.580 Charred on the outside, rare on the inside.

00:09:38.000 I like it Pittsburgh style, a little bit of pink eye on the edge.

00:09:40.100 Yep, that pink eye, that ripple, that balloon knot inside. 0.98

00:09:43.520 Oh, dude.

00:09:44.020 So if you do the sous vide, and then you throw it on the grill or in your pan, and so the

00:09:49.380 outside's all, so a sous vide is about 180 degrees Fahrenheit, maybe 181.

00:09:54.400 So, yeah, I can just, like, you know, sit, I'll sit, I can just put a steak between my

00:09:58.840 legs or under my arms.

00:10:00.940 What is wrong with D'Elia?

00:10:03.240 No, he's good.

00:10:04.880 Wait, hold on.

00:10:06.240 Let's think of something, though.

00:10:07.080 Yeah, I guess he's all right.

00:10:07.960 I guess he's all right.

00:10:08.160 Let's think of, well, what's wrong with Brian, um...

00:10:11.940 Brian Callen?

00:10:12.740 Yeah.

00:10:14.860 Brian's strong for a little guy, for like an older guy.

00:10:17.440 Yeah, he is, he's a very strong 63-year-old man. 0.99

00:10:20.960 Oh, damn. 0.99

00:10:21.800 Um... 1.00

00:10:22.960 Dude, he has to be worrying about existence, you know?

00:10:25.380 Yeah.

00:10:26.340 Yeah, he must be worrying about his mortality.

00:10:28.280 I'm 43 years old, and I have those sort of things where I'm like, oh, I'm staring at

00:10:32.340 mortality going, I literally shouldn't eat that.

00:10:34.800 Wow.

00:10:35.100 Because I could go to sleep and not wake up again.

00:10:36.860 Really?

00:10:37.480 Well, why not?

00:10:38.300 Why not?

00:10:39.020 Crazier things have happened.

00:10:40.320 And what are, like, what kind of items are those that you're, you know, that you have,

00:10:43.240 like, you know, you're having those, you know, kind of dining fears of?

00:10:46.200 Well, if I have, like, you know, some of my pals over, we're just going to hang out,

00:10:50.360 order a pizza.

00:10:51.260 Mm-hmm.

00:10:51.800 Watch a movie, seems innocent enough.

00:10:54.080 I'll look at that, you know, third or fourth slice of pizza, and that'll be the, that'll

00:10:58.700 be the waypoint for me.

00:10:59.520 That'll be the, uh...

00:11:01.380 Where you know you got to tone it down?

00:11:02.800 Does it feel weird walking over to a pizza box for the fifth slice?

00:11:06.240 Does it feel weird walking over to the pizza box for a fifth?

00:11:08.760 No, I think if you're, I think once you get past three, then you're not worried about

00:11:12.420 your own, if you're worried, if you think about your own mortality in pizza, then every

00:11:16.520 walk to the pizza box...

00:11:17.640 Oh, really?

00:11:18.220 ...should be, should be...

00:11:19.680 Yeah, but then your friends leave, and there's one or two slices left.

00:11:22.940 And what do you do with them?

00:11:23.700 I don't want to throw them away, would you?

00:11:24.860 I don't know.

00:11:25.500 What are you going to do?

00:11:26.000 You going to throw them away?

00:11:26.680 I don't know.

00:11:27.280 You don't want to throw them out in the cold?

00:11:28.220 That's what's wrong with D'Elia and Callan.

00:11:30.120 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:11:30.860 They're pizza-ignoring motherfuckers, just like you. 1.00

00:11:33.020 I bet you just don't give a shit. 1.00

00:11:34.620 Oh, I haven't eaten this year. 1.00

00:11:35.820 I bet you're one of those motherfuckers that has, like, a pizza box in their fridge. 1.00

00:11:39.380 Oh, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:11:39.880 Don't eat that.

00:11:40.660 It's old.

00:11:41.600 Old? 0.99

00:11:42.100 You dick? 1.00

00:11:43.040 It's been in there... 1.00

00:11:43.920 Ah, that shit's been in there a week, and you didn't eat it? 1.00

00:11:46.860 I'm going to force you to eat it now. 1.00

00:11:50.440 Yeah, those guys are really wild, man. 1.00

00:11:52.260 Those guys are assholes. 1.00

00:11:53.140 So, dude, we don't even know each other. 0.99

00:11:54.560 No, we don't really know each other, and it's awesome to be here, to actually...

00:11:58.860 This is the most...

00:11:59.960 Actually, your audience is witnessing the most that we've spoken together as far as this goes.

00:12:05.780 Yeah.

00:12:06.200 I've seen you in the hole.

00:12:06.940 And once we're finished, this will be, like, a thousand percent more than we've ever spoken to each other.

00:12:11.700 Yeah.

00:12:11.980 We've really only seen each other through Brendan and Brian over here and Chris.

00:12:15.580 And you...

00:12:16.180 So, you were a mad TV or an improv artist.

00:12:17.920 I know that.

00:12:18.560 Yeah, I was, you know, just acting on, you know, stuff.

00:12:21.940 Yeah.

00:12:22.580 Do you feel...

00:12:23.620 Were you always an actor?

00:12:24.800 Were you always, like, a... 0.95

00:12:26.040 Were you always, like, a class clown? 0.91

00:12:28.700 Or what were you? 0.91

00:12:29.540 Like, what was... 0.86

00:12:30.040 Because some people get into, you know, comedy, they're class clowns.

00:12:32.420 Some people, you know, they're writers and they think of it.

00:12:34.940 Some people, you know, come at it from more of, like, a creative space.

00:12:37.800 Like, what was some of your stuff?

00:12:39.160 I was a class clown.

00:12:40.060 Really? 0.97

00:12:40.440 Were you a class clown? 0.97

00:12:41.580 I was, but just verbally. 0.82

00:12:42.820 I didn't do any, you know...

00:12:43.960 I wouldn't, you know, do anything physical.

00:12:46.700 What do you mean?

00:12:47.220 I would just verbally say something like, you know...

00:12:50.380 Like, somebody would be like, my mom died.

00:12:52.020 Like, the teacher one time was like, my mom died, you know?

00:12:54.020 And I was like, prove it, you know?

00:12:56.200 And, uh... 0.99

00:12:57.200 But I would never get up and, like, you know, juggle or show my asshole or like that. 1.00

00:13:03.340 Yeah, well, class clowns... 1.00

00:13:04.980 I don't know if showing your asshole... 1.00

00:13:06.580 When we were kids... 1.00

00:13:07.780 When...

00:13:07.940 I mean, I've got some years on you, but generationally speaking, when we were younger, it was okay 1.00

00:13:12.920 to get up, stand on your desk and show your asshole to everybody. 1.00

00:13:15.960 That would have been funny. 1.00

00:13:17.020 Now you're gonna have problems because it's just a much more piece of...

00:13:19.560 Well, we had a dude, Mr. Patrick, he would give you 20, 40 bucks. 1.00

00:13:23.620 He'd walk about 60 feet from you, show you his asshole. 1.00

00:13:26.900 As long as you looked at it, you kept the money. 1.00

00:13:29.380 That's fucking amazing. 0.99

00:13:30.440 You know? 1.00

00:13:30.900 And is that pedophilia?

00:13:32.980 I don't know what that is.

00:13:33.840 That's art.

00:13:34.500 That's an ATM.

00:13:34.800 Yeah, that's kind of art.

00:13:35.700 Yeah, that's an ATM, dude.

00:13:37.380 Yeah.

00:13:38.480 Definitely, dude.

00:13:39.580 That's amazing. 0.97

00:13:40.440 That's ass to money, dude. 0.98

00:13:41.960 You know? 0.99

00:13:43.040 But yeah.

00:13:44.020 And as long as he would only...

00:13:45.500 He'd kind of look back once to make sure you were locked in, dude. 0.99

00:13:48.420 That's fucking incredible. 0.96

00:13:48.660 I mean, I didn't feel like, you know... 1.00

00:13:51.280 I didn't like watching him take his belt off, but I didn't mind seeing his asshole from far away. 1.00

00:13:55.460 Who gives a fuck? 1.00

00:13:56.000 It's just another man's asshole at that point. 1.00

00:13:57.980 Back then, pedophiles were pedophiles. 1.00

00:14:00.060 Oh, yeah. 0.98

00:14:00.660 You knew if it was a pedophile.

00:14:02.460 Yeah, they had a van. 0.90

00:14:03.320 They were yelling, I'm a pedophile.

00:14:04.680 Yeah, that's right. 0.99

00:14:05.340 I'm a pedophile! 1.00

00:14:07.780 But a guy showing his asshole from 60 feet away... 1.00

00:14:10.480 Yeah, what is that? 1.00

00:14:11.040 It'd be kind of hard to fuck with that in court. 0.99

00:14:12.960 Yeah. 0.99

00:14:13.300 How far away was he?

00:14:14.500 60 feet.

00:14:17.620 Prosecution.

00:14:17.980 He's approaching the bench.

00:14:20.020 He's wasting everybody's time. 1.00

00:14:22.480 He fucking showed the kids his asshole. 1.00

00:14:24.280 How far away was he? 1.00

00:14:25.260 Different times, man.

00:14:26.300 Let's have a look at the security footage.

00:14:27.640 Dude, we had a dude, I remember, in the woods, and we thought he was a...

00:14:31.420 He said he was a private investigator.

00:14:34.500 He was a peeping Tom.

00:14:36.920 Really?

00:14:37.180 He was out there for like two months, yeah. 1.00

00:14:38.840 And finally, we're like, oh, this dude's just looking at everybody's ass through the windows and tits at night. 0.99

00:14:43.100 Right. 1.00

00:14:43.200 Like, this dude's just out here hunting single mom fucking nipple at night. 1.00

00:14:46.580 Yeah, if you had a camera on him late at night, you'd see him prying his asshole open to no one. 1.00

00:14:51.520 And that's a real freak. 1.00

00:14:52.440 That's true, dude, yeah.

00:14:54.000 We had a guy...

00:14:55.400 See, I grew up in a small town outside Vancouver.

00:14:57.900 Oh, wow, you're Canadian? 1.00

00:14:59.240 Yeah, I'm from Canada.

00:15:00.460 Oh, wow, that's awesome.

00:15:02.120 And it was kind of a country-ass town called Ladner.

00:15:04.860 Beautiful place, surrounded by like, there's the water on this side from the Fraser River, and then it's just all farmland.

00:15:11.000 So we were...

00:15:11.480 And the water's cold, huh?

00:15:12.560 Oh, yeah, yeah, very cold.

00:15:14.560 Not in the summer.

00:15:15.640 Yeah.

00:15:16.100 You can go swimming.

00:15:17.560 But you wouldn't want to swim anyway.

00:15:19.400 It's gross.

00:15:20.380 But... 1.00

00:15:20.700 Goddamn. 0.99

00:15:21.800 Because, you know, it's a river, so there's all... 0.99

00:15:23.400 Oh, yeah, dude. 1.00

00:15:24.300 Just fish shit. 1.00

00:15:24.840 That's how I got pink eye out there in Pittsburgh. 1.00

00:15:26.760 That's what I was talking about.

00:15:27.240 Yeah, that's how you like that steak.

00:15:28.220 The Monongahela, son.

00:15:30.440 Oh, dude. 1.00

00:15:32.420 My buddy got a blowjob. 0.99

00:15:34.600 He used to be the Pittsburgh parrot. 1.00

00:15:36.300 He got a blowjob in an abandoned swimming pool on the south side, in an empty swimming pool. 0.99

00:15:40.700 Friend of mine. 0.99

00:15:41.280 Anyway, in Pittsburgh.

00:15:42.080 Go on.

00:15:42.280 No, no, no.

00:15:42.760 We're talking about Ladner. 1.00

00:15:43.660 I would have loved if that story just ended with, my buddy got a blowjob. 1.00

00:15:47.080 Yeah. 1.00

00:15:47.280 Anyway, go ahead. 0.51

00:15:48.940 So, yeah, Ladner was this sort of country town, and there was a pedophile. 0.57

00:15:54.980 Oh, yeah.

00:15:55.500 His name was Albert something.

00:15:56.760 Oh, yeah.

00:15:57.200 And it was in Harbor Park, where there was a bunch of just feral bunnies and rabbits and 0.98

00:16:01.340 hares and jackrabbits and shit. 0.99

00:16:03.680 Beautiful. 0.99

00:16:03.880 And he was in there in a tent, you know, as the lore dictated.

00:16:09.500 And if you went in there and got molested, it was your fault, because there was one guy, 0.99

00:16:12.520 and he was in this fucking, don't go in Harbor Park, towards sunset, you know. 0.99

00:16:16.980 That's where they're doing it. 0.99

00:16:18.160 Yeah.

00:16:18.480 That's where it's all happening, because it was a more innocent time.

00:16:21.180 And I'll tell you right now, I can't think of anything off the top of my head, but if 0.99

00:16:23.860 a teacher or, you know, an educator of any kind pried his asshole open from 60 feet away 0.98

00:16:29.580 in Ladner, British Columbia in the 1980s, early 90s, I don't think anyone would have 1.00

00:16:33.300 given a fuck. 0.99

00:16:33.920 Yeah. 1.00

00:16:34.780 I don't think anybody would have either.

00:16:35.960 I don't think anybody still cares, really.

00:16:37.660 Does anybody really care?

00:16:39.080 Or is it just people who want to be like, oh, you know, look at this evil person.

00:16:42.680 Yeah.

00:16:42.820 People want to feel better about themselves.

00:16:44.300 Yes.

00:16:44.680 People, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:16:45.760 Yeah, absolutely.

00:16:46.680 That's sort of, that's, you know, that's what's going on today.

00:16:49.980 We had a dude who used to give you, he had like, just, he'd always have raisins

00:16:53.780 in his pockets, individual raisins, and he'd give you a couple of them. 0.96

00:16:56.640 We had a dude, my dad had a friend, and he'd put cinnamon on the fucking palm of his hand 0.99

00:17:01.800 and let you lick it off. 0.99

00:17:03.260 And this was probably, and one of his feet was longer than the other one. 0.99

00:17:07.360 Or he had a, what the fuck is the name? 0.99

00:17:09.520 Extra foot, or not, he was black. 0.99

00:17:11.540 And he had like half of an extra foot. 0.80

00:17:13.680 So, you know, black people. 0.81

00:17:14.060 Throwing out the bottom of it? 0.96

00:17:15.220 Well, black people are always trying to show off, you know, but he had like a, no. 1.00

00:17:17.880 Hold on a second. 0.72

00:17:19.060 He had like a lift on his shoe.

00:17:20.760 One of his feet wasn't that long.

00:17:21.980 One of his legs.

00:17:22.220 Oh, one of his feet.

00:17:22.820 Oh, I thought you meant he had like two feet stacked, like a sandwich.

00:17:26.840 No.

00:17:27.060 Like a foot sandwich with no.

00:17:28.180 That's crazy, dude.

00:17:30.380 Just a foot bread sandwich.

00:17:32.560 He had a two-story foot.

00:17:33.880 Yeah, a two-story foot.

00:17:35.580 Oh, my goodness.

00:17:36.420 Just a stack, just a Big Mac foot.

00:17:39.700 Two patties.

00:17:41.900 He pulls it in.

00:17:43.320 Hey, so what city are you near?

00:17:46.300 I'm near New Orleans.

00:17:47.300 Oh, okay.

00:17:47.860 So we had that French connection. 1.00

00:17:49.320 Your town was just fucked up. 0.98

00:17:50.240 Yeah, I mean, we had regular people around there, but my dad had this dude, this guy, 0.99

00:17:54.560 and he would just pay him to kind of stand around us sometimes, and he, yeah, he always

00:18:01.060 had a little bit of cinnamon in his hand.

00:18:02.560 And this when I was young, now there's cinnamon anywhere.

00:18:04.800 There's Vietnamese cinnamon. 1.00

00:18:06.020 There's fucking, you know, you could beat the cinnamon out of a fucking Korean if you 1.00

00:18:09.680 hit them hard enough. 1.00

00:18:10.400 Yeah, they got some in their pockets. 1.00

00:18:12.420 I'm not believing any fucking Korean. 1.00

00:18:13.880 Well, that's what I'm saying. 0.99

00:18:14.940 Everybody's keeping secrets.

00:18:15.680 Everybody's got some cinnamon.

00:18:16.380 You know?

00:18:17.140 Everybody's keeping secrets, and a lot of people kind of, I would imagine a lot of people,

00:18:20.600 a lot of your viewers and listeners, you know, kind of go like, well, what is the, you

00:18:24.180 know, what's the secret?

00:18:24.940 Like, what's going on in Hollywood?

00:18:26.260 Because they think, like, it doesn't matter how people like you or me come across people.

00:18:32.620 They always think we're hiding something.

00:18:34.440 Yeah.

00:18:34.640 And that's what I have to say to your audience, especially the young people out there.

00:18:37.640 If you beat the fuck out of someone hard enough, you'll get that cinnamon. 0.90

00:18:41.100 Oh, yeah. 0.86

00:18:41.620 And that could be, I could be speaking in metaphor, or we could be speaking quite literally

00:18:47.180 about, you know, your friend with the cinnamon in the palm.

00:18:50.240 Yeah.

00:18:50.560 I mean, we could be talking, I'm talking spice work.

00:18:53.920 Yeah.

00:18:55.120 So, you never know.

00:18:56.100 But look, dude, I've always been really fond of Canadians, and they've grown on me over

00:18:59.140 time, you know?

00:19:00.420 And I wouldn't mind, in the next life, or if things get a little hairy here, a little

00:19:04.760 more hairy in the U.S., I could move up to Canada.

00:19:06.840 I know a lot of people that are talking about it.

00:19:08.980 100%.

00:19:09.300 Not DeLeo or Callen.

00:19:10.660 That's another thing wrong with them.

00:19:11.820 They don't like Canadians. 1.00

00:19:13.180 That's crazy.

00:19:13.860 Yeah.

00:19:14.020 I've never told them that I'm Canadian.

00:19:15.720 Really?

00:19:16.020 In all the time that we've known each other.

00:19:17.100 Yeah, I never thought you would be Canadian, man.

00:19:18.760 You seem like a guy that wouldn't be Canadian, but now I'm not surprised what you did tell 1.00

00:19:21.860 me.

00:19:22.000 What is it about me that you think is Canadian?

00:19:24.220 What isn't?

00:19:24.940 You just seem a little more kindred than an American.

00:19:27.960 Oh, okay.

00:19:28.360 You seem to have more of a good nature, more of like at peace with yourself a little bit

00:19:33.660 more.

00:19:33.980 Americans seem a lot more like just volatile and unsettled, you know? 1.00

00:19:39.840 Okay.

00:19:40.420 Yeah.

00:19:40.660 People usually say, are you Canadian or from Chicago?

00:19:43.860 Yeah.

00:19:44.300 I could see that.

00:19:45.600 People think I'm from Chicago because I'm a bigger fella and I'm in comedy.

00:19:49.040 Yeah.

00:19:49.680 Yeah.

00:19:50.060 That's kind of the thing.

00:19:50.840 I mean, look at this guy right here out of Wisconsin.

00:19:53.040 There we are.

00:19:53.120 The man.

00:19:53.420 That's Farley right there, and he died.

00:19:55.300 And did you ever do drugs and alcohol?

00:19:57.140 No.

00:19:57.440 No, I never got into, well, I drank. 0.99

00:20:00.220 I could drink like a piece of shit with my buddies, you know, growing up. 0.98

00:20:04.260 I actually haven't had a drink in a long time, but I just recently, about a year ago, reintroduced 1.00

00:20:10.540 some red wine.

00:20:11.500 Ooh.

00:20:12.100 Yeah.

00:20:12.340 I hadn't had a drink in like six years.

00:20:15.140 But I never, now I know that you've gone through the-

00:20:19.740 Yeah, I don't drink.

00:20:20.280 Yeah.

00:20:20.840 And I agree with that.

00:20:22.540 As a matter of fact, I got there just kind of, you know, I never really, it wasn't something

00:20:29.220 that I did too often, drinking.

00:20:31.100 So it wasn't like, oh, I need to stop this for, you know, any of the reasons that, you

00:20:36.620 know, a lot of people-

00:20:38.180 You weren't having trouble.

00:20:39.060 I wasn't having trouble.

00:20:39.860 I just, it just didn't agree with me.

00:20:41.660 Yeah.

00:20:41.860 I feel like it doesn't agree with me.

00:20:42.700 I feel like it doesn't agree with anybody. 0.97

00:20:44.560 It really is fucking weird. 0.97

00:20:46.000 It's sort of socially accepted. 0.99

00:20:47.980 It's a drug that's so socially accepted because, I mean, you know, whatever.

00:20:52.460 We could talk forever.

00:20:53.140 Yeah, you know, it's interesting though.

00:20:53.860 I start to think that it's old fashioned.

00:20:55.480 I'm starting to think a little bit of it's old fashioned, especially nowadays.

00:20:59.040 I see everybody is using mushrooms, magic mushrooms.

00:21:03.300 Yeah, absolutely. 0.99

00:21:04.320 Or, you know, whatever, you know, the shit that comes from the earth and whatever your opinion 0.97

00:21:08.120 is on that, you know, there, you know, certainly things like marijuana or, you know, 1.00

00:21:12.220 I've never done mushrooms or anything, but it's like the shit comes from the earth. 0.88

00:21:16.320 And you think about like alcohol goes through this, all this different process, whether 0.99

00:21:19.600 you're brewing or distilling.

00:21:21.180 Denver, half of it goes through Denver, you know, half of it goes through Milwaukee.

00:21:26.120 Yeah.

00:21:26.380 It has to go through Milwaukee or Denver.

00:21:28.120 And then you have like Scott Elliott going, Coors, the banquet beer, because it's the water

00:21:33.620 in Colorado.

00:21:34.500 All that Coors has to go through Colorado, the Rocky Mountain.

00:21:39.020 Wait.

00:21:39.160 Coors, the banquet beer.

00:21:43.160 That's pretty good.

00:21:44.060 It needs work.

00:21:44.860 Let me try, man.

00:21:45.580 Yeah.

00:21:46.780 Coors, the banquet beer.

00:21:48.780 Yeah.

00:21:49.380 You sound like Scott Elliott just woke up.

00:21:51.160 Is it Scott Elliott?

00:21:52.180 Who's Scott Elliott?

00:21:52.980 He's the guy with the mustard.

00:21:54.100 Do you have to use so many cuss words, dude?

00:21:56.200 Oh, really?

00:21:57.300 Why am I doing this?

00:21:58.180 That's Sam Elliott, dude.

00:21:59.280 Oh, Sam Elliott.

00:22:00.160 What did I say?

00:22:00.700 Scott Elliott?

00:22:01.460 Yeah.

00:22:02.280 See, that's, I'm doing a perfect Scott Elliott.

00:22:04.380 It's his younger brother, a la Jerry Van Dyke.

00:22:07.640 Why am I doing this when I have a mustache?

00:22:10.180 I was joking.

00:22:11.800 Dude, what if somebody got their finger cut off and just put, installed right there?

00:22:17.700 Wouldn't that be crazy?

00:22:19.840 You just go into a lab and have your finger cut off and sewn to your thing.

00:22:24.660 Oh, is this it?

00:22:26.020 You're going to play Coors with banquet beer?

00:22:27.480 Do you have too many animals?

00:22:48.360 How many animals do you have, man?

00:22:51.180 I got no animals.

00:22:53.360 Really?

00:22:54.140 Do you have any animals?

00:22:54.400 What are you doing, dude?

00:22:55.060 You got a family or not?

00:22:56.220 No, you?

00:22:56.820 Well, something's going on, then.

00:22:58.060 What's going on?

00:22:58.560 Because it's starting to seem kind of weird.

00:23:00.100 Yeah, it is starting to seem kind of weird.

00:23:01.440 Even though we've only known each other through this podcast, it's immediately weird when you

00:23:06.180 realize a 43-year-old man.

00:23:07.740 I mean, obviously, I'm dressed like a kid.

00:23:10.220 Yeah.

00:23:10.360 He started talking about pedophilia.

00:23:11.880 Yeah.

00:23:12.420 I'm wearing a Santa hat.

00:23:13.980 I'm going, oh, I've got a mustache.

00:23:15.240 Who am I now? 0.90

00:23:16.360 You want to lick my palm? 0.99

00:23:17.780 Coors. 0.99

00:23:18.300 Coors.

00:23:18.980 The banquet beer.

00:23:19.960 The banquet beer.

00:23:20.880 Yes, Your Honor. 1.00

00:23:21.640 I did show those children my asshole, but I was 60 feet away. 1.00

00:23:26.820 Coors. 1.00

00:23:27.820 The banquet beer.

00:23:29.740 Dude, Coors will make you do that, huh?

00:23:31.760 You know, enough Coors will make you do that.

00:23:34.940 Oh, dude, we used to have a lot of gays would meet up behind a rest area bar in our town,

00:23:39.740 you know?

00:23:39.920 Because I grew up across a river from a rest area.

00:23:42.680 And not if they have a rest area in Canada, a rest area in America, it's where you stop 0.98

00:23:46.100 on the interstate to fucking- 0.99

00:23:47.560 Truck drivers. 1.00

00:23:48.220 Yeah. 1.00

00:23:48.620 Drugs, kill a spouse, leave a kid. 1.00

00:23:51.140 You know what I'm saying? 0.98

00:23:51.860 It's basically, it's like a halfway house, but it's unincorporated, you know?

00:23:56.720 That's a good way to describe it.

00:23:57.700 They had a lot of the gay, you know, homoerotic men, sorry, would meet up behind there and 0.99

00:24:02.580 do drugs and start touching each other. 0.99

00:24:04.320 Not even necessarily homosexual, just homoerotic. 0.99

00:24:07.020 Yeah, because a lot of this was drug-induced. 0.93

00:24:09.480 Yeah, it was a guy like Dale Fuzz. 0.94

00:24:10.880 He gets a bunch of those, like, Spanish Fly or fucking Stay Up All Night baggies at the 0.99

00:24:14.960 gas station. 0.98

00:24:15.720 And then pretty soon, Fuzz is like, you know, and-

00:24:19.060 Dude, I met a girl in Miami over by Joe's Crab Shack and bought nine of those gas station, 0.99

00:24:23.520 you know, dick pills. 0.99

00:24:24.460 This is when they first came out, bro, couldn't fucking- 1.00

00:24:27.660 I couldn't bend my fingers, right? 0.98

00:24:30.020 And my nose kept bleeding.

00:24:32.200 Jesus.

00:24:33.640 Dude, and I was up all night, bro.

00:24:35.000 You couldn't bend your fingers?

00:24:36.320 Uh-uh, any of them.

00:24:37.500 And I would go through each one and try to bend them.

00:24:39.620 You're lucky to be alive. 1.00

00:24:40.780 That is fucking- 1.00

00:24:41.600 Oh, dude, and my nose was bleeding. 0.99

00:24:42.860 I must have lost.

00:24:43.740 I don't know how much, you know, how much blood I lost that night, but-

00:24:47.120 But anyway, but that was the first time I ever had Snow Crab, I remember that.

00:24:52.120 Yeah, it's a good thing you remember that, even though your brain was

00:24:54.300 bleeding, that you hung on to that lovely memory.

00:24:57.180 But they had one time, me and my buddy go in the woods, me and my buddy Jeremy, we go

00:25:00.660 in the woods, and they had two dudes out there shooting potatoes with one of those slingshots

00:25:05.380 across the river.

00:25:06.840 Nice. 0.97

00:25:07.200 If gay guys would get together and start making out. 0.99

00:25:09.820 If they were on drugs, if they're just gay guys meeting up, having a picnic, that's 1.00

00:25:14.760 no harm, no foul.

00:25:16.220 How would you know?

00:25:17.320 Because they'd have like a little Christmas, a little picnic?

00:25:20.260 No, these guys knew. 0.99

00:25:22.200 They could just tell if they were two dudes on fucking methamphetamines who wouldn't normally- 0.99

00:25:28.320 So basically, they felt like they were doing an anti-homoerotic service by saying, you 0.99

00:25:35.100 don't really want to have sex with that guy.

00:25:38.060 I'm saving your marriage. 0.84

00:25:39.680 Yeah.

00:25:40.220 That's cool.

00:25:40.600 Now, it would have been funny, I think, if they'd have done sweet potatoes, you know,

00:25:43.300 because I think that would have kind of added like a cute thing to it. 1.00

00:25:45.820 Yeah, because then the guy would get hit in the eye and go, what the fuck? 1.00

00:25:48.320 Oh. 1.00

00:25:48.900 I get it.

00:25:50.100 Yeah.

00:25:50.560 But I think they wanted to prevent sexually transmitted diseases.

00:25:54.820 Yeah.

00:25:55.260 Come into their town. 1.00

00:25:56.540 You fucking come into the rest stop. 1.00

00:25:58.600 You infect everybody with your disease, and then you roll on. 1.00

00:26:02.640 You're out of here.

00:26:02.760 You got a bunch of frozen chicken. 1.00

00:26:03.860 You're the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:26:04.660 Yeah. 1.00

00:26:04.920 And we have to deal with it in our town.

00:26:06.460 Yeah.

00:26:06.620 They were doing a public service.

00:26:07.760 You got a bunch of herpes, you know, spotted up Tyson cutlets, and you're rolling out 1.00

00:26:11.400 of town.

00:26:11.440 Yeah, and you're rolling out of town. 1.00

00:26:12.600 Yeah, you're doing 95 miles an hour with 6,000 pounds of fucking chicken. 1.00

00:26:18.400 You don't give a shit. 1.00

00:26:19.660 A fucking dirty chicken. 1.00

00:26:21.120 Yeah, there's no regulation at all. 1.00

00:26:22.820 Yeah. 0.99

00:26:23.100 We're here with these fucking potatoes, because we got a bunch of these in a field behind us. 0.99

00:26:26.520 You ain't coming locally, brother, on our watch, you know? 0.99

00:26:29.060 No, not here.

00:26:29.860 So that was it.

00:26:30.640 It was kind of a different time.

00:26:31.540 I don't know what we're talking about, but yeah, it was just a different time.

00:26:35.180 But it was a different time.

00:26:36.400 It was like, you know, people could enjoy themselves a little more.

00:26:40.780 Oh, sure.

00:26:41.560 Yeah, back then.

00:26:42.180 Well, now especially.

00:26:43.160 I mean, you look at how things are changing exponentially.

00:26:46.820 Every time I read a story, every time I sort of get into it, into the, you know, whatever.

00:26:51.660 There's so many manner of things that are changing rapidly, and we're two white dudes.

00:26:56.340 So when you kind of go like, oh, well, here's what's going on, you know, socially, whether it's a regional thing, like what happens here in California, whether it's a gender thing, which is, you know, all over the country and most parts of the Western world, what's changing and how fast it's changing.

00:27:14.900 I can't even believe, but you'll see some things now that you go like, that was 2016, and you feel like so much has changed.

00:27:22.360 Interesting.

00:27:22.440 Wow.

00:27:22.720 So I'm curious, you know, as a stand-up, does that, because I was listening to something with like, anyway, well, I'll ask you, because I was listening, I was watching this thing on YouTube and some stand-ups were talking about it.

00:27:34.420 Has it affected you and what you do?

00:27:36.660 You know, I think I looked at an old set from like eight years ago or something, I was on Comedy Central, and I don't think, I felt weird about having it up still.

00:27:44.700 Ah, yeah.

00:27:45.800 So that was interesting.

00:27:47.060 But I also noticed that like, like I'll go on things like JK News, if you've been on their show.

00:27:52.560 No. 0.74

00:27:53.020 It's a good show, and they're all diversity and fucking, who knows, bro, it's so mixed over there, you can't even, you know, it's basically, you might as well be in a war 50 years ago, you know, everybody's, it's pretty diverse. 0.98

00:28:04.620 Right. 0.95

00:28:04.740 So anyway, you're over there, and they talk about all the funnest stuff.

00:28:08.940 They talk like we used to talk 15 years ago.

00:28:12.220 Well, I kind of feel like.

00:28:13.740 It's only Hollywood, and these are LA people, these are Latinos.

00:28:16.580 That's interesting.

00:28:17.400 Koreans, Asians. 1.00

00:28:19.360 They don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:28:20.540 They don't give a fuck. 0.99

00:28:21.600 They have fun, and it's a fun show to be on. 0.99

00:28:23.620 They're not minding their P's and Q's.

00:28:25.300 No.

00:28:25.640 It's only when I get into like this side of the tracks, wherever, in Hollywood side.

00:28:29.320 Yeah.

00:28:29.780 Well, you know, and whatever. 0.99

00:28:31.880 I mean, I'm not the first to say this, but you know, it is a lot of fucking white guilt. 0.99

00:28:39.280 There's a lot of white, just white people are people who are of the, I don't even know what you would, I don't even know how you would label the culture outside of saying just PC, or you could say like, you know, lefty or whatever the fuck you want to say. 0.98

00:28:54.220 Hollywood, left, whatever, that are, you know, that are mostly changing that. 0.97

00:28:58.700 But when you think about just being able to cut loose, regardless of what line you're on, what side of the line you're on, it feels like, I mean, when I got here to LA, it was like, there was no fucking problem. 0.99

00:29:11.540 You could say whatever the fuck you wanted. 0.99

00:29:14.300 And we used to do shit on mad TV. 1.00

00:29:16.100 I couldn't believe what we were doing. 0.98

00:29:18.460 I was, you know, like a young dude and I showed up, I'm like, can we, can we say that?

00:29:22.200 And, you know, and then pretty soon you get your feet wet and you're like, what about this?

00:29:25.900 And, and it was, it was great because people still, still got along and everything.

00:29:30.920 Um, but it's hard to deny, you know, it's, it's, you of course want to listen to everybody's take and you of course don't want to, I, you know, I've never wanted to do comedy to hurt anyone's feelings.

00:29:44.240 As a matter of fact, I kind of left mad TV going, I'm not even comfortable making fun of fucking celebrities anymore because not like making fun, like if there's something, even if there was something to make fun of, if there's some sort of scandal, I was like, like I would do like, you know, my impersonations. 0.95

00:30:00.920 And shit or anything that was specifically targeted at celebrities, I would always try to make it silly and stupid and not about anything real. 0.98

00:30:08.620 Yeah. 0.99

00:30:08.820 I didn't want to do the stuff that was, that was, uh, you know, pointedly mean.

00:30:15.480 So, but that's just me.

00:30:17.760 And, and, um, so of course I want to pay attention to, I don't think that comedy should exist to make people feel bad.

00:30:24.140 Right.

00:30:24.420 I think it should do the opposite. 0.97

00:30:25.520 So you can't help, but, but, uh, or I can't help, but kind of pay attention to people who are like, well, that's fucked up and that hurts people's feelings. 1.00

00:30:34.040 I'll listen to that shit all day long. 0.99

00:30:35.480 I'm already not very offensive. 1.00

00:30:38.200 Yeah.

00:30:38.380 I'm not very offensive at all. 0.92

00:30:39.580 And most of the work I do, most of the shit that I'm doing nine to five is acting anyway. 0.93

00:30:43.220 Yeah. 0.98

00:30:43.980 I mean.

00:30:44.540 Right.

00:30:44.760 So you could, yeah, you can always behind it.

00:30:46.400 But nowadays the stuff that if I'm, if I'm working on something, creating something and developing something, it's like, it comes into, yeah, it comes into my mind, but it's, it's, uh.

00:30:56.940 Oh, I see.

00:30:57.660 Yeah.

00:30:57.700 You got it.

00:30:58.080 But podcast, you can still say it on some, do you feel like that?

00:31:00.980 Yes.

00:31:01.620 I think mostly because of the way podcasts are set up.

00:31:04.760 No one's really going to go through.

00:31:06.540 I mean, right now it's still the wild west.

00:31:07.860 Yeah.

00:31:07.960 Nobody's really going to listen to them. 0.99

00:31:09.180 No one's going to listen to an hour and a half of a fucking podcast and pick out the. 0.97

00:31:12.580 And I actually was listening to, I was watching something that was making me laugh, uh, which 0.99

00:31:18.820 is the dumbest setup to say something. 0.93

00:31:20.800 What was it? 1.00

00:31:21.420 Ozarks? 0.94

00:31:22.100 I was watching something that was making me laugh.

00:31:24.360 Yes.

00:31:24.640 Ozarks.

00:31:25.200 No, I was just watching some.

00:31:28.560 The second season's not as funny.

00:31:31.080 Not as funny as the first season.

00:31:32.440 It's like coach.

00:31:33.700 Um, the end of the first season with that electric boat.

00:31:36.100 Did you see that one?

00:31:37.140 Um, no.

00:31:37.960 What happened in that?

00:31:39.140 Am I forgetting how to wear clothes again?

00:31:40.920 I don't know. 1.00

00:31:41.680 Damn, dude. 1.00

00:31:42.140 Yeah. 1.00

00:31:42.400 You look like a, here's what you look like, dude, a panda bear that has definitely been

00:31:45.800 doing crime. 0.99

00:31:48.600 I'm like going to go steal fucking bamboo out of the air one. 0.99

00:31:52.860 Like, dude, you look like a dude Voldemort. 0.99

00:31:56.940 But that word that goes shopping at a market all the time.

00:32:00.520 Voldemort.

00:32:01.360 Um, uh, no, I was just watching something and then one guy called the other guy like a 0.99

00:32:08.400 gay slur, but they were really angry at each other and it made me laugh so fucking hard 0.94

00:32:14.140 because it, it, it's like, it made me laugh. 0.98

00:32:18.240 Nowadays it makes me laugh because half of it is like, well, you can't, what are you doing? 0.99

00:32:22.420 You can't fucking say that. 0.99

00:32:23.720 And, and then the other half is like, damn, back in the day we used to say whatever the 1.00

00:32:29.700 fuck we wanted. 0.99

00:32:30.900 That's wow. 1.00

00:32:31.400 And you would, it's like, you would even call people shit that, I mean, you want to talk 0.99

00:32:36.400 about calling people shit that technically they're not, which is what, what makes it 0.98

00:32:39.780 funny. 0.96

00:32:40.360 I mean, you could call people anything now you can't, but also I kind of feel like the

00:32:44.480 wokeness is, is coming from people look at the history and they go, look, this is just

00:32:49.480 my opinion.

00:32:50.000 I don't think people that aren't black shouldn't be saying the N word. 1.00

00:32:52.960 I think the black people say the N word and it's their word to own and they can do whatever 1.00

00:32:56.900 the fuck they want with it. 1.00

00:32:57.700 White people shouldn't say that word by that logic. 1.00

00:33:00.740 There's a bunch of shit that people who are not should not say. 1.00

00:33:04.640 Right. 0.98

00:33:04.920 So if it's something that can become a different term between, you know, within that community,

00:33:09.840 whether it's, you know, the gay community or, or the black community or whatever, they

00:33:15.120 get to govern.

00:33:15.900 That's just, that's just me.

00:33:17.300 But that's, that's a societal opinion.

00:33:21.120 Right.

00:33:21.540 It's my own opinion. 0.99

00:33:22.540 There are no fucking rules. 0.98

00:33:24.660 Well, we had a guy, we, you know, we got a guy. 0.99

00:33:26.900 I'm coming up on an episode that has Tourette's and he was telling me how you can't even have

00:33:31.700 Tourette's these days because you write Tourette's.

00:33:34.660 You can't even have a disease.

00:33:35.800 Tourette's is offensive, dude.

00:33:36.960 Yeah.

00:33:37.140 He said he's got a lot of young dudes hitting him up with Tourette's asking him how to best,

00:33:41.180 you know, hide the N word.

00:33:42.360 If he yells it out at a, you know, at a Ramada or something.

00:33:45.440 And if you've ever been a Ramada, it's hard to not, you know, drop it a couple of times.

00:33:49.280 You know what I'm saying?

00:33:50.080 They're going to be, they got all kinds of crime on that at those places.

00:33:53.400 I was watching a thing.

00:33:54.300 I was with, there's a clip online.

00:33:55.520 And if you, but think about that, you can't even have a disease anymore.

00:33:58.180 You can't have Tourette's, you know, you can barely be from Nicaragua, you know?

00:34:05.220 What do you mean?

00:34:06.220 Without offending somebody, you know, you better say it clear and pronounce the C, you know?

00:34:10.940 That's right.

00:34:11.600 That's right.

00:34:12.240 Absolutely right.

00:34:13.100 I mean, it's just a different time.

00:34:14.460 I'm not even going to get into some of the African countries.

00:34:16.800 Oh, dude.

00:34:17.780 When I'm having sushi, bro, I order the Nijiri, bro. 0.97

00:34:21.260 Nijiri. 1.00

00:34:21.620 You feel me?

00:34:21.960 Yeah, yeah, that's right.

00:34:22.680 I ain't playing games, daddy.

00:34:23.560 You say Jif instead of Gif.

00:34:25.580 That's how safe you are.

00:34:26.760 Oh, dude.

00:34:28.100 You got to be safe, man.

00:34:29.260 Because you got to say that and train your tongue so that you can get the Nijiri sushi.

00:34:33.540 Oh, dude.

00:34:34.200 Hi.

00:34:34.700 May I have two pieces of salmon Nijiri?

00:34:38.980 I don't even say Nijiri.

00:34:40.540 I used to say Nijiri. 1.00

00:34:41.800 Nijiri is good, too.

00:34:43.080 Anything to get you away.

00:34:44.480 Do what you do, man.

00:34:45.420 Again, these are social things.

00:34:46.660 It's all for us to decide.

00:34:47.960 There are no pointed rules.

00:34:49.680 I mean, who are we going to listen to?

00:34:51.400 You make up your own.

00:34:52.560 So if you want to say Nijiri. 1.00

00:34:54.160 But do you think, though, that people start, like now, though, it's funny because a lot

00:34:58.340 of times the only people that are allowed to be safely made fun of on television anymore 0.90

00:35:01.120 are poor white people. 0.98

00:35:02.680 Yeah. 0.91

00:35:02.820 And that's where I'm from. 1.00

00:35:03.880 And that's what makes me mad because it's like, well, fuck you. 1.00

00:35:06.640 It's way harder to be poor. 1.00

00:35:08.000 What about rich white people?

00:35:09.260 And to me, the only people that still even own black people or own anybody in the world 0.98

00:35:13.400 anymore are executive producers or people that own the rights to people.

00:35:17.840 Yeah.

00:35:17.960 You know, like if you want to look at that's the only ownership going on anymore.

00:35:21.820 You know, if you want to look at like that guy who's on that the Cosby show, he's out 0.98

00:35:25.640 there, you know, stack and fucking, you know, little quantum little quantum kumquats. 0.97

00:35:34.560 And then they're saying, oh, he don't have any money. 0.99

00:35:38.240 Somebody's making money off of him being on TV every week.

00:35:40.840 Jeffrey Wright.

00:35:41.540 You know, a white guy.

00:35:42.540 Or Bill Cosby.

00:35:43.800 Which one are you talking about?

00:35:44.460 Jeffrey Owens.

00:35:45.100 Jeffrey Owens.

00:35:45.500 Jeffrey Owens.

00:35:46.460 Not the Olympian.

00:35:47.900 I only remember half of people's names.

00:35:50.200 Yeah.

00:35:50.480 I like that.

00:35:51.400 Yeah.

00:35:51.700 Jeffrey Owens.

00:35:52.260 The Olympian.

00:35:53.020 Yeah.

00:35:53.320 You mean Daniel Claus?

00:35:55.420 No.

00:35:56.160 Santa Claus.

00:35:57.420 Yeah.

00:35:57.520 That's right.

00:35:58.400 Hey, have you heard about this guy, Brad Trump?

00:36:01.640 Hey, guys, what's going on with Brad Trump?

00:36:05.600 You think Mexicans should be deported? 0.96

00:36:08.180 How about that haircut of yours, Brad Trump?

00:36:11.940 I don't know what happened.

00:36:13.020 I went out there.

00:36:13.840 I gave him my Brad Trump.

00:36:15.200 I got really good stuff on Brad Trump and nobody.

00:36:18.380 No, it's that.

00:36:19.100 You said, Brad, it's Donald Trump.

00:36:21.720 Do they have, what kind of evil do they have in Canada that they don't have in America,

00:36:26.580 do you think?

00:36:28.860 Beavers.

00:36:29.980 Oh, yeah.

00:36:30.820 Yeah, think about that.

00:36:32.560 Yeah, we got beavers.

00:36:33.180 Dude, we got cats.

00:36:34.040 Like, I was dating a girl, she had two cats, and I couldn't imagine if she had two beavers

00:36:37.540 over there. 0.99

00:36:37.880 Yeah, that's fucked up. 0.99

00:36:39.080 Because when you're in Canada and you're just, like, dating a girl or me, you know, 0.99

00:36:42.780 it's like, it'd be nice to settle down with a nice Canadian gal as I look forward. 0.95

00:36:48.780 But a lot of times I'll get, you know, I'll meet someone on the, you know, I'll be home

00:36:55.300 for a while or something, or even when I'm fortunate enough to get to work up there. 0.98

00:36:59.860 And, you know, you meet a girl and it's like, oh, this is going good and shit. 0.97

00:37:03.020 And then you finally get back to her place and she has two rabid beavers. 1.00

00:37:06.220 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:37:06.680 And you go to sleep, like, it's like shit goes all right. 0.99

00:37:09.420 And then you go to sleep and then you want to use the bathroom in the middle of the night 0.99

00:37:12.380 and you get up and all your clothes and shoes and shit are all stacked up by the bathroom 0.99

00:37:16.080 door because the beavers made a dam and you can't even fucking get in there. 0.97

00:37:19.760 And you're like, this isn't going to work out. 0.94

00:37:21.440 Yeah. 0.99

00:37:21.860 It's really fucked up. 0.99

00:37:23.180 Yeah. 1.00

00:37:24.040 You can't do shit. 0.99

00:37:25.360 And what about the Iditarod? 0.99

00:37:26.760 What happened with that?

00:37:27.660 Because you guys are doing that with the dogs.

00:37:30.440 We got the dogs.

00:37:31.680 Yeah.

00:37:31.900 And why are they doing that?

00:37:34.980 Tradition, I guess, you know.

00:37:36.480 Hey, you know, I shot a film in the Arctic.

00:37:39.340 Oh, wow.

00:37:40.120 Yeah.

00:37:40.420 It was nuts.

00:37:41.440 Outdoors?

00:37:42.580 No, I was in a studio, but it cost less to go to the...

00:37:45.660 We just went out there to shoot on a soundstage.

00:37:50.060 Yeah.

00:37:50.280 Arctic Studios.

00:37:51.860 I thought you were with it.

00:37:52.580 You didn't know about it.

00:37:53.200 I did.

00:37:53.520 Look, I didn't know.

00:37:54.440 Oh, yeah.

00:37:54.940 They shot... 1.00

00:37:55.700 Damn, Santa's doing working off season these days. 1.00

00:37:58.100 They shot all the Wolverine films. 0.99

00:37:59.180 Um, so, uh, no, so we went out, we were in the Arctic and, you know, I'm from Canada.

00:38:05.680 They kind of, you know, we have more of a, you know, you grow up, you sort of learn what

00:38:10.320 they want you to learn about our First Nations people and stuff. 0.99

00:38:13.180 But I realized how ignorant I was because that snow sledding shit, the dog sleds, that 0.99

00:38:18.880 they, okay, they don't have, like, they don't have roads that go from town to town in the 1.00

00:38:24.720 Arctic.

00:38:24.960 It's just like, here's a town and the only way to get anywhere else is by plane or when 0.98

00:38:31.540 the ocean is frozen, that's what they're fucking, they're sledding on. 0.99

00:38:36.100 And I realized just how fucking, it was crazy. 0.99

00:38:39.360 And of course, everyone was so nice and just sweet there. 0.98

00:38:42.320 So you, they would say like, hey, we're going to go over here to our friend's cabin on snowmobiles

00:38:46.720 or, uh, wolf, like sleds, dog sleds.

00:38:50.740 And they're like, you want to come?

00:38:52.020 And I'm like, no, there's going to be beaters.

00:38:54.000 Or on Falkor.

00:38:54.840 Yeah.

00:38:55.120 Or, yeah, Falkor would be a good way to get around the Arctic.

00:38:58.320 That's so, you really went to the Arctic?

00:38:59.860 Yeah.

00:39:00.140 Were you shocked by it?

00:39:01.600 Yeah.

00:39:01.960 A lot of things shocked me about it.

00:39:03.480 It was, it was crazy.

00:39:04.740 It was so, it was, it was awesome.

00:39:07.260 It was a very interesting place.

00:39:08.800 There's definitely a magnet in there.

00:39:10.460 We were in this town, Iqaluit, which is the capital of Nunavut, which is the Inuit territory

00:39:15.540 up there.

00:39:16.420 Nunavut, Inuit.

00:39:17.600 Nunavut, Inuit.

00:39:18.680 Dude, it sounds like.

00:39:20.320 It was, it was a world away.

00:39:21.880 It sounds like something you want nothing to do with.

00:39:23.940 It was, it was gnarly. 0.99

00:39:25.460 But there was like cool shit. 0.99

00:39:26.600 Like this dude, Matty, owned this fucking barbecue joint and he was like from Quebec. 0.99

00:39:30.980 So he had like legit barbecue plays with like, you know, they were, you know, had all sorts 0.98

00:39:35.520 of, you know, salmon, all kinds of stuff.

00:39:37.060 Yeah. 0.99

00:39:37.420 But they also had like beef and shit. 0.96

00:39:38.800 He was flying it in and, and, uh, he let me borrow a minivan for a while. 0.98

00:39:42.860 Oh yeah.

00:39:43.340 Do you think, do a lot of people, sometimes when I see people in Canada, it seem like

00:39:47.620 they don't have anything to talk about.

00:39:49.900 Well, that's because you're American, so they don't want to talk to you about all the Canadian 1.00

00:39:53.980 stuff.

00:39:54.660 Yeah.

00:39:54.900 I could be a, I could be a liaison into Canada for you.

00:39:58.580 I would do that.

00:39:59.380 For example, a lot of people in Canada, a lot of people think that Canadians are polite.

00:40:04.120 Not true. 1.00

00:40:04.940 There's a lot of asshole Canadians. 1.00

00:40:06.340 Wow. 1.00

00:40:06.680 But they'd only show themselves as Canadian assholes to other Canadians. 1.00

00:40:11.500 Oh wow. 0.99

00:40:12.380 Actually, and this isn't, this is actually, uh, well documented.

00:40:16.660 I think like they say people in the South, so you can confirm or deny like the whole,

00:40:23.320 like, you know, they'll be like nice to your face, but then I'll bless her heart.

00:40:26.460 It's this and that.

00:40:27.140 So the, the sort of, that's Canadian.

00:40:29.500 Oh, I see.

00:40:30.160 I think we have that in common, uh, where, you know, and I mean, people are, people are

00:40:34.760 shitty everywhere, but I think that's specific. 0.88

00:40:37.320 It's, it's been said a lot of Canadians. 0.54

00:40:39.820 It's like, oh, it's kind of like the, the, the, the, the, the, the sort of sweet part of

00:40:44.960 the South where people are just like, oh, hello, how are you?

00:40:47.320 Very proper.

00:40:48.080 Yeah. 1.00

00:40:48.540 And then behind your back, they'll say all sorts of bullshit. 1.00

00:40:50.120 And they got a voodoo doll in or something. 1.00

00:40:51.880 Yeah, they got Canadian voodoo dolls or something.

00:40:54.460 Yeah.

00:40:54.840 Yeah.

00:40:55.020 You could just get them at the airport, any of those things, just like a little, like

00:40:58.700 beaver doll.

00:40:59.400 It's actually a Canadian voodoo doll.

00:41:00.800 Don't be fooled.

00:41:02.160 Do you, do you feel like, um.

00:41:06.100 Hot?

00:41:06.980 Yeah, man.

00:41:07.500 It's a little warm.

00:41:08.720 You were burning a candle in here?

00:41:10.660 Yeah.

00:41:11.740 We had a guy with Tourette's in here too, and he left a lot of heat in the room. 0.99

00:41:15.160 Bro, they're fucking human furnaces like the Amish make them. 1.00

00:41:18.080 They're fucking, it's mesmerizing. 1.00

00:41:20.160 I would imagine so. 1.00

00:41:21.020 There's just a lot churning and burning going on.

00:41:22.660 Oh, they're running at 104 degrees, a hundred.

00:41:24.580 I mean, you think of all the curse words just milling around in their body, trying to get

00:41:28.200 out.

00:41:28.560 They could sous vide a steak easily.

00:41:30.140 Oh, dude, a guy cut his, he cut his wrist and a couple of N-bombs fell out, you know? 1.00

00:41:34.220 They're fucking. 0.99

00:41:35.420 That's amazing. 1.00

00:41:36.320 They're wild animals.

00:41:37.600 Yeah.

00:41:37.820 Dude, let's talk about the strap.

00:41:38.840 This is last year's strap.

00:41:39.940 Yes.

00:41:40.620 Okay?

00:41:41.380 How do you feel?

00:41:41.960 This is last year's, man. 0.99

00:41:42.740 I'll let you get a piece, a little hold of that sucker, bro. 0.96

00:41:45.460 It's been collecting dust because I've had it for so long.

00:41:47.500 It is a beautiful piece of, uh, it is a beautiful, it is a beautiful strap.

00:41:50.840 It's like $162 and I had to pay for it myself, so.

00:41:54.920 It's like getting a star on the Walk of Fame.

00:41:56.580 They're like, congratulations, give us eight grand.

00:41:58.540 Yep.

00:41:59.120 Yeah.

00:41:59.520 I turned them down several times.

00:42:02.400 This is amazing.

00:42:04.220 Yeah.

00:42:04.480 That's it, man.

00:42:05.300 Do you think you have a shot at this year's, uh, well, let me tell you something, dude.

00:42:11.140 Uh, no, I don't.

00:42:13.200 No, I don't think I do.

00:42:14.080 With your stirring rendition of this is how we do it?

00:42:16.280 Yeah.

00:42:16.580 This is how we do it.

00:42:17.380 That was fun.

00:42:17.560 This is how we do it. 0.99

00:42:19.340 I don't know what the fuck. 0.99

00:42:20.660 That was. 0.99

00:42:20.920 It's Friday night.

00:42:22.400 What were we talking about?

00:42:23.220 It was always Friday night.

00:42:24.280 It's like, get a calendar.

00:42:25.320 Yeah.

00:42:25.680 Who sang that, dude?

00:42:27.360 Somebody with a cheap calendar.

00:42:29.400 I know.

00:42:31.520 This is how we do it, man.

00:42:32.640 It is interesting.

00:42:33.460 It's Wednesday.

00:42:34.200 It's Wednesday night.

00:42:36.940 It would have never, it would have never gone down that way.

00:42:39.680 It's Wednesday night and we're at the truck stop firing sweet potatoes. 0.87

00:42:45.720 And you're not really gay. 1.00

00:42:46.880 You're cheating on your wife with another dude because you're high on dick pills. 1.00

00:42:51.400 Drug-induced homosexuality. 1.00

00:42:54.000 Fingers can't bend and your nose is bleeding. 0.99

00:42:59.520 Feels so good.

00:43:01.620 It feels so good.

00:43:03.060 Along this interstate.

00:43:04.760 Tonight.

00:43:05.340 Tonight.

00:43:06.060 On Wednesday.

00:43:08.240 I think it's, I think it's between, I think it's between you and Chris.

00:43:12.620 I don't.

00:43:13.740 What are you talking about?

00:43:14.700 I think, I think D'Leah's got it. 0.99

00:43:16.540 Well, D'Leah has a fucking, I mean. 1.00

00:43:18.660 He has an army. 1.00

00:43:19.340 He has an army.

00:43:21.080 It's like us, you know?

00:43:22.960 Yeah, he has a cult. 1.00

00:43:23.700 Who gives a fuck? 1.00

00:43:24.540 He has a cult. 1.00

00:43:25.080 It's like, I'm William Wallace, you know?

00:43:26.440 We're not William Wallace. 0.97

00:43:27.160 I'm fucking, I'm Wayne Wallace, you know? 0.99

00:43:29.460 Wayne Wallace. 1.00

00:43:30.040 A couple of brothers and a couple of bad Asian bitches helping me out on the side, you know? 1.00

00:43:34.520 Wayne Wallace. 0.99

00:43:35.740 Yeah.

00:43:37.760 Sons of Scotland.

00:43:39.040 You know what I'm saying, boy? 1.00

00:43:40.700 We got a couple of bad bitches right here. 1.00

00:43:43.440 Yeah. 0.99

00:43:43.660 My boy Petey right here. 0.99

00:43:45.640 Let's fucking turn this bench up. 1.00

00:43:49.340 That's a good Scottish accent. 0.99

00:43:50.700 Thank you, dude.

00:43:52.020 I've done Scottish before.

00:43:53.460 Yeah.

00:43:57.080 That's Scottish, right?

00:43:58.600 I think it is, dude.

00:44:00.020 And he always does this.

00:44:04.340 He has nine legs, bro. 1.00

00:44:06.660 Yeah, it's easy to do comedy when you have nine fucking legs. 1.00

00:44:09.880 Piece of shit. 1.00

00:44:11.000 Oh my goodness. 1.00

00:44:11.880 I didn't say piece of shit. 1.00

00:44:12.620 They edited that in. 1.00

00:44:13.920 Yeah.

00:44:14.700 That's what happens.

00:44:15.600 That's technology, dude.

00:44:16.640 And then they got this new ginger guy up there.

00:44:19.240 Yeah.

00:44:20.200 Cheeto is his name or whatever. 0.99

00:44:21.600 Get the fuck out of here, bro. 1.00

00:44:23.360 If your parents loved you, did he give you a decent hair color? 1.00

00:44:25.380 I don't think that's actually...

00:44:26.200 Is his name Cheeto? 0.97

00:44:27.140 I don't fucking know, guy. 0.98

00:44:28.880 Andrew. 0.98

00:44:29.740 Yeah, where I'm from, dude, you don't even listen to those guys till they're 40, you know?

00:44:33.380 Redheads? 1.00

00:44:33.840 Yeah.

00:44:34.180 Yeah, no.

00:44:34.740 You gotta...

00:44:36.780 Get with the program before you pipe up.

00:44:38.980 You know what I'm saying, you little cinnamon stick?

00:44:40.760 You have to approve some wisdom as a redhead before you start chirping. 1.00

00:44:44.080 Because he's firing on just ideas, dude.

00:44:46.240 Yeah, you better be that... 0.99

00:44:47.960 Who's that motherfucker from like Revenge of the Nerds and 30-something? 0.99

00:44:52.520 Don't worry about it. 1.00

00:44:53.320 This is before...

00:44:54.260 Timothy Busfield.

00:44:55.320 Timothy Busfield?

00:44:55.720 We didn't really listen to Timothy Busfield before he turned about 40 years old.

00:44:59.080 Now he directs.

00:44:59.620 From Baton Rouge?

00:45:01.220 Timothy Busfield.

00:45:01.720 Like 5'11"?

00:45:02.800 Yeah, about 5'8", 5'11", two eyes.

00:45:06.500 Nose, never bleeds.

00:45:07.420 Now a different guy.

00:45:08.180 Carbon-based life form?

00:45:08.980 This guy died.

00:45:09.720 Timothy Busfield, I don't know, died.

00:45:11.240 Really?

00:45:11.840 Yeah.

00:45:12.500 Oh, I know a Timothy Bus...

00:45:13.420 I don't know him, but...

00:45:14.140 That's still alive?

00:45:15.100 Dude, we should link their families up. 0.72

00:45:17.100 Oh, that would be cool.

00:45:19.000 Yeah, I...

00:45:20.880 Guess who it is?

00:45:23.280 It's Timothy.

00:45:24.140 It's Timothy Busfield.

00:45:26.000 And you open it, and it's a different one.

00:45:27.680 And he's like, it's still me.

00:45:30.180 Oh, that's a great idea.

00:45:31.740 That is a good idea.

00:45:32.640 That could be a show.

00:45:33.580 That could be a good show.

00:45:34.360 What would it be called, do you think? 1.00

00:45:35.760 Assholes. 1.00

00:45:37.280 No, no, dude. 1.00

00:45:39.120 I think... 1.00

00:45:40.560 Name that asshole would be a good thing, like the teacher who showed you his asshole, where 1.00

00:45:44.160 you have people from your past, and they line up 60 feet away, and spread their... 1.00

00:45:49.080 They fucking pull their meat apart, and you get to look right down the center. 0.98

00:45:53.840 I could name probably two. 1.00

00:45:55.120 Goatsy style.

00:45:55.580 I think I could name two from maybe six feet. 1.00

00:45:58.580 There was a picture of me, of my asshole, and I couldn't recognize it. 1.00

00:46:04.000 Oh, wow. 1.00

00:46:04.480 A friend of mine had a bunch of, like, speaking of shit you used to do, I guess the guys were 0.99

00:46:10.960 all hanging out. 0.98

00:46:12.100 One thing led to another, and I was, like, mooning one of my friends who was, like, passed

00:46:15.960 out in a chair from drinking too much, probably.

00:46:19.020 Oh, that's a Canadian proposal.

00:46:20.580 I feel like that's a proposal.

00:46:21.920 Yeah.

00:46:22.240 Canadian.

00:46:23.300 You just pull it apart.

00:46:24.720 I feel like that's...

00:46:25.440 Yeah.

00:46:25.740 But no, I'm mooning your buddy who's passed out in a chair.

00:46:28.800 Seems like, you know, that's like a Canadian by mitzvah. 0.52

00:46:31.740 Yeah, yeah, that's how I went.

00:46:33.280 Yeah, even if you're a redhead, you're a man after that. 1.00

00:46:36.120 And I just remember, I was, like, mooning him.

00:46:40.700 It was me.

00:46:41.320 Oh, wow.

00:46:41.900 And so this picture, this is, like, a couple years back.

00:46:45.340 My buddy's like, hey, check out these old pictures I had developed.

00:46:48.320 Because he had, like, one of those disposable cameras.

00:46:51.120 He's like, uh-oh, what's in this from the 90s?

00:46:54.000 And he looks at it, and there's a picture.

00:46:56.500 And I thought it was my buddy Houtman.

00:46:59.180 I thought it was a different dude. 1.00

00:47:00.200 I'm like, that's not my ass. 1.00

00:47:01.740 Yeah. 1.00

00:47:02.040 And he's like, look, and look at the thing in your head, and look at the shirt.

00:47:04.840 Look at the back of your knees.

00:47:05.800 Yeah.

00:47:05.980 I'm like, oh, whoa.

00:47:07.400 So I'm like, yeah, that's me. 1.00

00:47:08.760 I didn't recognize my own asshole. 1.00

00:47:10.980 Impressive. 1.00

00:47:11.920 Vast, whiter than I thought it would be.

00:47:13.900 Oh, yeah.

00:47:14.540 Not as hairy as I thought it would be.

00:47:16.180 Oh, wow.

00:47:16.420 Different times, though.

00:47:17.380 Different times, though. 1.00

00:47:18.420 I mean, a 25-year-old asshole, like my 25-year-old asshole. 1.00

00:47:21.800 I'm sure it's bushy now. 1.00

00:47:23.080 Much bushy-er.

00:47:24.560 It's been 18 years since then.

00:47:26.580 Oh, yeah.

00:47:26.820 Haven't looked at it.

00:47:27.680 Haven't looked straight into it.

00:47:29.160 Wow.

00:47:29.500 The way I could with a developed picture.

00:47:32.700 And nowadays, you can't take that picture. 0.99

00:47:34.160 And that's bullshit. 0.99

00:47:35.280 Yeah. 1.00

00:47:35.420 Nowadays, you take that picture into the service lady, they're like, oh, you're a pedophile 0.98

00:47:39.000 or you're a creep. 0.99

00:47:40.300 Yep. 0.84

00:47:40.720 You know?

00:47:41.100 If there was still photo developing places and you brought that in, yeah, you'd be in. 0.99

00:47:45.460 You've got to get your asshole drawn now if you really want a quality shot of it. 0.99

00:47:48.880 Yeah. 1.00

00:47:49.040 If you want a beautiful picture of your asshole, you'd have to visit a portrait artist, and 1.00

00:47:53.700 they'd have to probably sign an NDA. 1.00

00:47:55.660 Mmm.

00:47:56.320 I sure do.

00:47:57.140 Do I sound full or empty?

00:47:58.840 Well, I'm full because I've got good food in my system.

00:48:02.440 This past weekend is supported in part by HelloFresh.

00:48:06.500 HelloFresh.

00:48:07.620 And Fresh isn't like a black guy that you met somewhere and you're like, oh, hello, Fresh. 0.52

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00:48:38.840 I've done HelloFresh at the house.

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00:49:45.860 That's a lot of six zeros.

00:49:47.640 You know what I'm saying.

00:49:48.980 HelloFresh.com slash Theo six zero.

00:49:52.420 I read an article the other day that said maybe 30 or 40% of Americans can't smell, but

00:49:58.720 also over 55% of Americans have body odor or stink.

00:50:04.800 They used to call it stinking.

00:50:05.780 Now they call it having body odor.

00:50:08.280 Well, I got to say this.

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00:50:17.400 month.

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00:50:37.880 kind of fresh bread and like something was also rotten and like stolen goods.

00:50:44.460 But now you can change that up month after month.

00:50:47.720 Try exactly the brands you want.

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00:50:56.220 That's one of my favorites.

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00:51:01.020 Smell like the greatest people on earth.

00:51:03.600 It's a kind of like a monthly scent venture.

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00:51:49.540 Who's that?

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00:51:52.120 Scenty.

00:51:53.620 What's next after everybody's doing butt activities now on the internet?

00:51:57.120 What's next, do you think? 0.52

00:51:58.460 What's the next orifice?

00:51:59.720 Because we're running out of spots.

00:52:01.520 Yeah, we're running out of holes.

00:52:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:52:03.540 With all the body modification shit, we might come up with new holes, like pierce some new assholes. 1.00

00:52:08.640 You think? 1.00

00:52:09.000 Yeah, maybe like a new, like a hole.

00:52:12.220 Actually, that could kind of solve a lot of problems now because with, you know, when they talk about like with regard to gender and pronouns and stuff, 1.00

00:52:21.500 if a lot of people just had a hole drilled in their gooch between their balls and their asshole. 1.00

00:52:28.240 Rape me along the median, you know? 1.00

00:52:29.940 Yeah, just put something there in between so that we can all just sort of be one for a while and then figure out maybe in another hundred years.

00:52:37.240 That party spot.

00:52:37.420 Yeah, a party spot.

00:52:38.540 Yeah, you could give it a nickname, like a little, you know, hole in the wall.

00:52:41.320 Yeah, hole in the wall.

00:52:42.540 We could call it a...

00:52:43.600 Donnie's Last Resort.

00:52:45.100 Yeah, Donnie's Last, Dale Fuzz.

00:52:47.420 We could call it a, yeah, sweet potato.

00:52:49.920 Yeah, ooh, sweet potato's good.

00:52:51.620 Sweet potato, sweet potato hole.

00:52:53.240 The risotto.

00:52:55.360 The risotto, yeah.

00:52:58.160 Mr. Risotto's Garden.

00:52:59.920 You could call it whatever you want.

00:53:01.080 Yeah, Najiri.

00:53:01.980 We could call it a Najiri hole. 1.00

00:53:03.500 Do you think...

00:53:04.040 Mr. Risotto's Garden.

00:53:05.260 Do you think there's a time in your life when you're more obsessed with your body and then it changes over time?

00:53:11.040 A time when you're more obsessed?

00:53:12.580 Yeah.

00:53:13.900 I think when you're like 13 or 14 and you beat off for the first time, you're like, wow, I can do this all by myself.

00:53:20.940 Oh, you think you're a magician?

00:53:21.840 Yeah.

00:53:23.160 That's an interesting time when you realize you can beat up adults, or at least for me.

00:53:32.900 Oh, yeah.

00:53:33.480 By the time I was like nine years old, I was like, yeah, I could beat up adults.

00:53:36.800 That's true.

00:53:39.140 Yeah, did a lot of seniors... 0.99

00:53:40.040 Why the fuck did I take any shit off of anyone? 0.99

00:53:42.660 By the time I was like a giant 10-year-old, big chubby 10-year-old, could beat the fuck out of anybody. 0.99

00:53:47.820 Dude, is it hard being a big guy? 0.92

00:53:49.500 What's some of the downfalls of it?

00:53:51.320 It's the easiest thing in the world. 0.99

00:53:52.580 The only downfall, really, is being hot as fuck right now in this hot as shit studio. 0.99

00:53:58.080 It's not that hot. 0.99

00:53:58.760 I'm wearing this, and I feel actually comfortable.

00:54:00.360 You guys okay?

00:54:01.940 You know, I rotate.

00:54:03.580 I'm bigger and I'm smaller sometimes.

00:54:05.340 Again, it's all about my own view of mortality as it relates to that fourth or fifth slice of pizza.

00:54:12.800 I mostly ignore carbs, so I stay away from carbs.

00:54:15.500 I'll just eat lots and lots of meat.

00:54:17.400 What is hard about...

00:54:17.840 Really?

00:54:18.080 You're a meaty guy, huh?

00:54:18.860 Yeah, I wouldn't be...

00:54:20.700 I was a vegetarian.

00:54:21.320 I've done vegetarian.

00:54:22.440 I've done pescatarian, but no, I got to have red meat, and that's not even my blood type.

00:54:28.180 Wow.

00:54:28.540 What else would you like to know about me?

00:54:30.840 That's interesting, man.

00:54:31.660 When did you get into stand-up?

00:54:33.500 How old were you?

00:54:33.940 I got in, let me see, 23?

00:54:37.300 That's awesome.

00:54:38.300 Were you...

00:54:38.640 23, 24?

00:54:40.040 Were you still living in Louisiana?

00:54:41.620 Were you here?

00:54:42.140 What was I doing?

00:54:42.820 I was living here.

00:54:44.000 Yeah?

00:54:44.360 I moved here.

00:54:44.680 Yeah, I don't know how long...

00:54:45.640 Wait, when...

00:54:46.940 So you moved here before you started doing stand-up?

00:54:49.260 Yeah.

00:54:49.680 What did you move here for?

00:54:51.400 I don't know.

00:54:52.100 Here's what happened.

00:54:52.620 A friend of mine lived in San Francisco, and he's like, hey, man, come out and visit me.

00:54:56.920 So I went out there, and he's not...

00:54:58.520 You know, both of us are, you know, sea women.

00:55:03.540 Yeah.

00:55:03.760 And I went out there to hang out with him, and right when I get there, he's like, hey,

00:55:08.140 dude, I'm moving to Los Angeles.

00:55:09.340 The day I get there, I'm like, what?

00:55:11.280 He's like, yeah, dude, I need help moving.

00:55:13.000 So basically, then next thing you know, I came to Los Angeles with him, and he ended up looking

00:55:17.540 for a place.

00:55:18.160 He got a room, and I got a room, 150 bucks.

00:55:20.680 I was sleeping under his bed, my buddy Kevin.

00:55:23.380 And I got sick.

00:55:24.360 I got whooping cough, actually.

00:55:26.800 So I could barely even move for like three months, dude.

00:55:29.200 It was very scary.

00:55:30.560 I had whooping cough, which is an ancient disease.

00:55:32.540 And I got it.

00:55:34.300 Did you get your shots when you were a kid?

00:55:36.120 They don't do that in Louisiana?

00:55:36.900 I don't know, dude.

00:55:38.220 Somebody else probably got them, you know?

00:55:40.240 Yeah, that's how that works.

00:55:40.780 They always had somebody cutting in line to get you dope over there, you know?

00:55:44.060 Over in St. Tammany, Paris, dude, you know? 0.98

00:55:46.400 I knew one dude who got fucking... 0.99

00:55:48.240 Would never get measles, mumps, or rubella, bro. 1.00

00:55:51.520 Because he cut in line and took everyone else's shit. 1.00

00:55:52.920 Oh, he had four gallons of fucking anti-venom in them. 1.00

00:55:55.640 You're lucky he probably took your dick pills a few times, saved your life. 1.00

00:55:59.640 Yeah, I've had some... 1.00

00:56:00.340 I've taken a lot of those, boy, those gas stations.

00:56:02.520 One time, I popped a couple in the gas station, forgot about it, and got so sick, I couldn't

00:56:07.120 even leave the gas station for like an hour and a half.

00:56:09.320 I had to sit down in one of the aisles.

00:56:11.040 Dude, those things, the rhino, the ones with the rhinoceros on them, extremely dangerous.

00:56:14.420 Yeah, don't eat anything with the rhinoceros on them.

00:56:16.620 Yeah, dude, they're dangerous, bro.

00:56:17.280 I had the same thing happen with gas station Najiri once.

00:56:19.940 Oh, really?

00:56:20.580 You got to see what you had at a gas station?

00:56:21.920 Oh, man. 0.99

00:56:22.520 You'll be sitting in the aisle just shitting yourself. 1.00

00:56:24.280 Oh, damn. 1.00

00:56:24.860 So you moved to L.A. right away? 1.00

00:56:27.420 So then I was down here, and I just stayed, man.

00:56:29.620 I stayed, and I stayed for a while.

00:56:30.900 They had a comedy club down the street from my apartment on San Vicente, and I went in

00:56:34.340 there.

00:56:34.500 They had one night a week, and I went in there, and then, yeah, just stayed, I guess. 0.96

00:56:39.880 That's fucking awesome. 0.94

00:56:41.460 Yeah. 0.95

00:56:41.720 Because I would have thought that you would have been, I would have thought you would

00:56:44.740 have been one of those kids who was like, I mean, you're saying you were still, you were 0.90

00:56:47.640 a class clown.

00:56:48.460 Yeah. 0.73

00:56:49.240 And I'm sure, I don't know, I mean, because, you know, I'm sure you know people like this. 0.98

00:56:53.180 Like, I have friends in my life where I'm like, oh, this fucking guy is so fucking funny. 0.97

00:56:56.640 Oh, yeah. 0.98

00:56:57.180 And he does this or that for a living, like guys, buddies of mine back home or something

00:57:00.500 or friends out here that aren't in the business, and I was just like, does that person 0.97

00:57:04.220 know that they're fucking- 0.98

00:57:05.280 That they could do it. 0.99

00:57:05.900 Right, so that's interesting to me, because I would have thought you would have been like

00:57:13.500 thinking about it when you were a kid and going-

00:57:16.060 Mm, nuh-uh.

00:57:17.400 Wow.

00:57:17.840 I remember seeing it in college one time and being like, people do this?

00:57:21.160 Wow.

00:57:21.580 Who is this guy?

00:57:22.720 Wow.

00:57:23.080 I thought he was a leper or something, you know?

00:57:24.760 Right, something, yeah.

00:57:25.280 Or whatever that is, I don't even know what that is.

00:57:27.280 And I thought, yeah, I remember going and going to the comedy club and being like, wow,

00:57:31.760 it's crazy somebody can do this.

00:57:33.440 So then I guess whenever I saw the place, I was like, oh, you know, I'll go in there.

00:57:38.480 And I didn't think I was going to be good at this, maybe until like about seven or eight

00:57:41.620 years when I was like, oh, you know, I can actually do, you know, I can do this, you

00:57:47.500 know?

00:57:47.840 Seven, eight years in?

00:57:49.140 Yeah.

00:57:49.900 Wow.

00:57:50.520 I think I was still a lot of times thinking about not doing it.

00:57:53.060 You know, I took a break about five years for about six months and just went and got

00:57:56.020 a job bartending in Louisiana.

00:57:59.300 I don't know, you know?

00:58:00.500 And then now it's like kind of a full-time job.

00:58:02.340 Of course.

00:58:03.520 Were you freaked out the first time you went up or the first few times you went up?

00:58:07.180 I don't think so.

00:58:07.740 My dad was so old.

00:58:08.620 My dad was 70 when I was born.

00:58:09.880 You know, I talk about that on stage.

00:58:10.920 So I had like such a piece of material, you know, that it was like undeniable, you know?

00:58:17.920 Wow.

00:58:17.940 So it was like I knew I could get a couple laughs.

00:58:20.580 Wow.

00:58:20.920 After that, I was scared.

00:58:21.760 I was so scared to stray from anything that I knew was comfortable.

00:58:24.860 Sure, sure, sure.

00:58:25.640 And I can't even imagine an improv class I took.

00:58:28.800 I could never do that, dude.

00:58:29.900 Really?

00:58:30.100 Jesus Christ, dude.

00:58:32.200 I think you got to be Canadian and do improv because you got to be accepting of others

00:58:35.560 and willing to work with others.

00:58:36.520 Well, I never really did like improv class or like...

00:58:39.440 Really?

00:58:40.100 Yeah, I didn't really come from the like improv world, like improvisational theater or anything.

00:58:47.900 You were just an actor and then that's how you got into it? 0.98

00:58:50.680 Well, I always wanted to goof around and shit. 0.99

00:58:53.060 I was a class clown and I was like, you know, I wanted to do... 0.99

00:58:57.780 Renaissance Fair?

00:58:58.460 Do you ever do Renaissance Fair?

00:58:59.760 Yeah, I wanted to do Ren Fairs.

00:59:01.340 Did you really?

00:59:01.960 Yeah, I wanted to be...

00:59:03.080 Because people do them a lot up there.

00:59:04.540 I wanted to be the town crier, the Ren Fair. 0.56

00:59:07.020 Did you really do it or not?

00:59:07.980 No, not yet.

00:59:10.660 Is that your Nick Swartz impersonation?

00:59:12.220 That's a good one, actually.

00:59:13.680 Is that a Nick Swartz impersonation?

00:59:14.640 That is definitely a Nick Swartz impersonation.

00:59:19.460 The Vikings. 1.00

00:59:20.680 We're going to fucking lose. 1.00

00:59:23.960 I'm going to diary out of my asshole at this bar. 1.00

00:59:26.960 Come hang out. 1.00

00:59:28.120 Diarrhea.

00:59:30.160 That's Nick Swartz.

00:59:31.520 That's pretty good.

00:59:32.400 Stefan Diggs.

00:59:34.940 I'm performing tonight in Toronto.

00:59:38.380 Diarrhea.

00:59:41.480 Now I'm going to scour the internet to watch it.

00:59:43.960 That's every Nick Swartz video.

00:59:45.840 You never heard him say diarrhea.

00:59:47.200 Bro, he's dressed up like Prince.

00:59:48.480 He has on like 90 different colors of like lip polish.

00:59:51.300 And he's like, oh, I'm out here.

00:59:54.540 What am I even doing here?

00:59:56.520 Okay, guys.

00:59:57.380 I'll be at Larson's Bar and diarrhea.

01:00:00.840 Diarrhea. 0.99

01:00:01.660 And I'll be having, you know, you guessed it, fart in my own butt. 0.99

01:00:05.740 Come out. 0.99

01:00:06.580 Go bike.

01:00:07.400 Skull. 0.92

01:00:08.960 Then he vomits in his own lap. 0.80

01:00:11.360 Vomits in his own lap? 0.98

01:00:12.780 It's his closer.

01:00:13.860 But it's funny, though, man.

01:00:14.760 He's a great guy.

01:00:15.720 And everybody seems to really love being around him.

01:00:17.620 You know, he's a really sweet.

01:00:18.500 He's a real sweet guy.

01:00:19.360 But I think, you know, you got that.

01:00:23.400 I love the way you bought it back.

01:00:24.600 You got, you got, I think D'Elia gets the belt next year, you know?

01:00:28.220 Yeah, I think D'Elia gets the.

01:00:29.540 Because he has the people.

01:00:31.240 He can get them to vote.

01:00:32.040 He's got a very large following on the internet, which is.

01:00:36.180 We don't have it.

01:00:36.820 Well deserved.

01:00:37.800 I don't give a.

01:00:39.460 I mean, not.

01:00:41.580 Chris is.

01:00:43.180 Here's what I said.

01:00:43.960 Here's what I said to my dear friend, Chris, not too long ago.

01:00:46.160 I said, actually do it. 0.99

01:00:50.240 Now, you've seen that fucking, that dude, the Bleach. 0.99

01:00:55.760 The Bleach Media. 1.00

01:00:56.840 Bleach Media.

01:00:57.360 Yeah.

01:00:57.700 This dude has been making these really funny videos, using, taking your heads and our heads

01:01:02.420 and like, you know. 0.98

01:01:04.600 But I remember a couple years ago saying like, Chris, buy some fucking land and do it. 0.99

01:01:10.320 Like start an actual cult. 0.96

01:01:11.520 You have, you have an L. Ron Hubbard opportunity here to actually, because his fans are, they're

01:01:17.840 something other.

01:01:18.560 They're very loyal and they're, and he, he's writing, essentially writing a religion.

01:01:25.140 Yeah. 1.00

01:01:25.540 This fucking kuda shit. 1.00

01:01:27.140 Yeah. 1.00

01:01:27.400 He's like, you're a kuda. 1.00

01:01:27.940 What is it?

01:01:28.940 I don't know.

01:01:30.480 I don't know.

01:01:31.480 He was texting me.

01:01:32.500 We were texting.

01:01:33.140 That's a Brennan Schaub impersonation too, right there.

01:01:34.900 Me right there?

01:01:35.220 I love that.

01:01:35.480 Yeah.

01:01:35.760 I don't know.

01:01:36.480 I don't know.

01:01:37.040 B-D-E, dude. 0.90

01:01:38.960 Where you gonna be, Bri?

01:01:40.320 I, oh, don't eat all the chilies before I get there.

01:01:43.800 I'll be in New Mexico in 16 months.

01:01:46.840 Uh, should he have fought him?

01:01:48.980 Yeah.

01:01:49.440 Uh, is that a good fight for him?

01:01:50.780 Yeah.

01:01:51.180 Uh, I don't know.

01:01:52.540 Yeah.

01:01:52.880 Hey, how about this?

01:01:54.620 Don't fight that guy.

01:01:55.480 I don't know anything about MMA.

01:01:56.980 Don't fight that guy.

01:01:58.060 Fight this other guy.

01:01:59.160 Uh, maybe that would have been a better thing.

01:02:00.800 Yeah.

01:02:01.200 I do, uh, marketing bro.

01:02:03.480 Black rifle coffee.

01:02:05.320 B-D-E, dude. 0.90

01:02:06.300 Sounds like he's got some B-D-E.

01:02:08.700 I ain't mad at you.

01:02:09.780 I ain't mad at you.

01:02:11.120 Yeah.

01:02:11.540 I said, you did.

01:02:12.400 Where you gonna be, Bri?

01:02:13.560 I'll be in Milwaukee.

01:02:15.720 You can, you can mix it with Nick Swartz.

01:02:17.760 Oh, yeah.

01:02:18.620 Just go bleh. 0.96

01:02:19.100 Bleh.

01:02:19.640 Uh, but I told, yeah, I told D'Elia, like, start an actual cult.

01:02:23.880 You're, you're writing this stuff.

01:02:25.500 Kuda.

01:02:26.480 I, like I said, we were texting and he goes, something.

01:02:29.360 Uh, I told him that I, I told him that I ordered these shoes or whatever.

01:02:36.620 And he was like, I was like, I sent him the picture of these shoes.

01:02:39.280 Like, cause I, you know, I have seven pairs of shoes, right?

01:02:41.980 Yeah.

01:02:42.300 He's got like, you know, so many, too many shoes.

01:02:45.040 And so I was like, I'll bug him. 1.00

01:02:46.680 I'll go like, you know, Hey, I ordered some new New Balance, you know, to fuck with him. 1.00

01:02:50.340 So you can go fuck those dad shoes. 1.00

01:02:52.320 I ordered a pair of shoes and he was like, yeah, you fucking Kuda. 1.00

01:02:56.040 And I was like, don't, don't do that. 0.99

01:02:58.440 Don't say that to me.

01:02:59.640 First of all, I don't know what that means. 0.99

01:03:03.320 Like, I don't know what your dumb thing. 0.98

01:03:05.400 What does it even mean? 0.99

01:03:08.080 Mean.

01:03:08.900 What is it?

01:03:10.000 It's a doll.

01:03:12.600 It's a doll.

01:03:14.760 It's a doll. 0.86

01:03:18.400 So he sounds like a fat girl, like stuck in a wishing well, you know? 0.73

01:03:23.740 And they, like a real big girl stuck in a wishing well.

01:03:27.280 And they throw a ladder down to her and they're like, here's a ladder.

01:03:30.260 And it's like the little bittiest ladder.

01:03:32.460 And she's like, no, she's really mad down there.

01:03:36.640 We got to get a big, bigger ladder.

01:03:38.520 She's doing a crystal year impersonation. 0.99

01:03:44.180 So then he told me what Kuda means. 1.00

01:03:46.000 And then I said, well, uh, well then you're fuck you. 1.00

01:03:50.180 You're a Kuda. 1.00

01:03:50.720 Yeah.

01:03:50.920 And he got really, really upset.

01:03:52.980 He goes, no, no, I'm not.

01:03:54.600 Take it back.

01:03:55.120 And I go, no, he is a Kuda. 1.00

01:03:57.000 And I was like, you're a Kuda. 1.00

01:03:57.980 He goes, no, I'm not. 0.99

01:03:58.680 I'm like, well, what the fuck does he mean? 0.99

01:03:59.720 You can't even tell me what the fuck it means. 0.99

01:04:01.220 Yeah. 0.99

01:04:01.720 Then move.

01:04:02.580 You're a Kuda. 1.00

01:04:03.720 You're a fucking, you know, you're a. 1.00

01:04:07.060 Dancer. 1.00

01:04:07.660 A salmon.

01:04:08.180 I don't know.

01:04:08.580 Yeah.

01:04:09.040 All these different, you know, a mun, a mun.

01:04:11.380 Yeah.

01:04:11.660 Not the first, not bearer, just Kuda, not salmon.

01:04:15.360 A mun.

01:04:16.060 You mun.

01:04:16.540 Dude, he's like a leopard kind of that, you know, isn't really being a leopard and is doing 0.99

01:04:21.900 other shit and kind of bothering people. 0.99

01:04:23.940 That's what I think. 0.99

01:04:24.720 Well, I would, I would like for him to bring out the leopard because I know he's the romantic

01:04:28.800 jaguar and I would like for. 0.98

01:04:30.620 Oh, the romantic jaguar is fucking good, dude. 0.98

01:04:32.540 That's a good monitor. 0.98

01:04:33.540 I'll watch that like six or seven times.

01:04:35.380 But I would like for him to start an actual cult.

01:04:38.240 You know, he doesn't have to go like wild country style.

01:04:40.420 It doesn't have to be Oregon.

01:04:41.820 Colorado would be a good spot.

01:04:42.720 But he wouldn't even show up or he'd probably have Lanocci shot up. 0.99

01:04:46.400 Fuck yeah, he'd show up. 1.00

01:04:47.620 Lanocci. 1.00

01:04:49.120 Yeah. 1.00

01:04:49.680 That fucking guy who's basically a blood donor for him. 1.00

01:04:53.120 Lanocci's basically just. 1.00

01:04:54.600 Like if Chris needs a kidney?

01:04:55.880 It couldn't be about the comedy.

01:04:57.140 It's got to be about, you know, the guy has decent plasma levels or whatever.

01:05:00.060 Yeah.

01:05:00.420 Because there's no reason he's, you know, carting that guy around.

01:05:03.360 No.

01:05:03.620 Yeah.

01:05:03.860 I would, I would wait.

01:05:04.760 If I were a betting man, I'd say they have the same blood type.

01:05:07.120 He got Lanocci checked out like, like what's her face did in Big Lebowski.

01:05:12.440 He got type O, I bet.

01:05:13.540 Is it O?

01:05:18.420 I think Chris could like.

01:05:19.980 Of course, bro.

01:05:20.820 If Chris went, if Chris had an actual cult.

01:05:22.960 Yeah.

01:05:23.180 And he bought some land, let's say in the Arctic.

01:05:25.980 He went up there like every three months, like four times a year. 1.00

01:05:28.880 Did a fucking show. 1.00

01:05:30.660 You know, showed his new shit. 1.00

01:05:33.220 Otherwise people are going to be sitting there freezing cold out there. 1.00

01:05:36.300 They're going to be excited for when he comes.

01:05:37.780 That's true.

01:05:38.160 In the meantime, they can dog sled around.

01:05:39.660 He can send them videos and stuff.

01:05:40.880 Yeah.

01:05:41.160 He can send them videos. 0.99

01:05:42.000 Hard to download shit in the Arctic. 0.99

01:05:43.720 Is it? 1.00

01:05:44.160 Yeah.

01:05:44.640 The, yeah, the wifi, the internet speeds are not very good.

01:05:48.000 I could see that.

01:05:48.760 Yeah.

01:05:49.500 But, you know, and then he could just come out there every three months, do some standup 1.00

01:05:53.440 and fuck everybody. 1.00

01:05:54.540 Yeah. 1.00

01:05:55.260 That would be, I mean, that's what I'm saying.

01:05:57.300 Beat, have a cult.

01:05:59.020 Have a real, well, it is, it is a real cult.

01:06:01.180 Would you join it or not?

01:06:02.640 I would be, I wouldn't mind.

01:06:04.300 He'd charge us to join it too.

01:06:05.840 I would probably with a meet and greet after.

01:06:08.180 I wouldn't mind being like a high cardinal or something like that.

01:06:10.780 And then like maybe turn on him, game of Thrones style.

01:06:13.620 They kill you up there though. 1.00

01:06:14.800 Second he leaves out of town, somebody's fucking hitting you in the back with a hatchet. 1.00

01:06:17.620 Kill me fast. 1.00

01:06:18.500 Yeah. 0.99

01:06:18.980 Do you feel like somebody that'll get murdered or die a natural cause is honestly?

01:06:23.700 Um, I don't know that I'll get.

01:06:29.460 Gee whiz. 0.91

01:06:30.160 I hope I don't get murdered.

01:06:31.320 I don't think I've given anybody reason to murder me. 0.99

01:06:33.380 Although that shit can happen pretty randomly. 0.99

01:06:36.000 We had Chris Hansen on here. 0.99

01:06:36.980 He said that one of the most random things you notice is that just, you don't, you don't

01:06:39.500 never know.

01:06:39.980 There's no real rhyme or reason to people getting, you know, if somebody molests a kid or if somebody

01:06:44.640 gets murdered.

01:06:45.380 Yeah. 0.96

01:06:45.620 I would love to die of natural causes, hopefully not because of something I ate and then went 0.99

01:06:50.940 to sleep at night thinking, you know, this, this, this, you know, fucking Calzone is going 1.00

01:06:58.380 to kill me. 1.00

01:06:58.880 You think you deserve to get murdered or deserve to die of natural causes? 1.00

01:07:02.800 Who's to say, you know? 1.00

01:07:04.540 You.

01:07:05.620 I don't get to decide that.

01:07:07.080 But I'm asking you, which one do you think you deserve?

01:07:10.120 Would you be shocked?

01:07:10.980 Like here right now, some guy walked up and punched me in the face.

01:07:14.360 Yeah. 1.00

01:07:14.640 I was like, you know what that's for motherfucker. 1.00

01:07:16.560 Yeah. 0.99

01:07:17.320 Would you?

01:07:17.700 I could think of a couple of things.

01:07:18.720 You could think of a couple of things.

01:07:19.580 Yeah.

01:07:19.800 It's almost crazy.

01:07:20.440 You could do that to anybody.

01:07:21.600 Yeah. 1.00

01:07:21.780 You know what that's for motherfucker. 1.00

01:07:22.640 People have reasons for, to do all sorts of shit. 1.00

01:07:24.520 The guy's like, whew, at least that karma came back fast. 0.99

01:07:26.740 You know?

01:07:26.980 Yeah.

01:07:27.080 That's it.

01:07:27.980 I mean, I would want to ask again, maybe this is the Canadian in me, but I wouldn't mind sitting

01:07:32.780 down with the man after he punched me in the face and asked him why he did that.

01:07:36.760 Why did you do that?

01:07:37.600 I got punched right in the center of the, I got punched right in the center of the face

01:07:41.440 once.

01:07:42.840 And it was, well, you know, a few times in my life, but as you get older, when you get

01:07:48.740 punched in the face, I was probably in my late twenties, this guy punched me right in

01:07:51.960 the face.

01:07:52.480 What kind of guy was it?

01:07:53.840 He was a guy, he wasn't a, he was, I would say based on my size versus his size, he was

01:08:01.300 taking quite a risk punching me in the face.

01:08:03.840 Wow.

01:08:04.080 Which you have to respect that.

01:08:06.020 So I grabbed him, uh, and I thought about it for a while and then I made him apologize

01:08:11.780 to my friends.

01:08:12.820 He was being shitty to some friends. 0.88

01:08:14.720 He was? 0.95

01:08:15.220 Yeah.

01:08:15.460 And then he punched me in the face.

01:08:16.820 People are irrational, but as, so long as you can talk to them, you know, I held him

01:08:21.500 firmly though.

01:08:22.180 I tried to.

01:08:22.780 You let him know.

01:08:23.360 Yeah.

01:08:23.580 I was like, you put the Lord in him.

01:08:25.740 Yeah.

01:08:26.000 I put the, yeah.

01:08:26.580 They used to have a thing going through the, you know, the Southeast and stuff.

01:08:30.000 And I don't use this kind of terminology, but this was called, this was back in the

01:08:33.200 day called fag fist fights. 0.90

01:08:34.740 Right. 0.99

01:08:35.320 And it was gay guys. 0.98

01:08:36.700 It was all gay guys running it. 1.00

01:08:38.140 And they would put a boxing ring in a bar and gay guys would fight and you'd bet on them. 1.00

01:08:43.240 Would there be, would they sort of give you a backstory sort of like, like 24 where they

01:08:47.980 would be like, here's why this guy's mad at this guy.

01:08:50.320 Like, dun, dun, dun.

01:08:51.640 Like that court show.

01:08:52.660 Dun, dun, dun, dun.

01:08:53.540 Well, just a little clip package.

01:08:55.200 Like if Griffin can't believe, like if you watch UFC, they give like the, here's the

01:09:00.800 beef or they were working on like, I think you just, yeah, nobody in the bar was listening

01:09:06.180 to what that, just assume these guys, that's what's exciting.

01:09:09.180 Then you pick who you're, who you're rooting for.

01:09:12.040 Yeah.

01:09:12.160 If you don't do that, then it's just based on their outfits.

01:09:14.360 That's a good point. 0.99

01:09:14.880 Who gives a shit? 1.00

01:09:15.540 Griffin ate all of Randall's cereal. 1.00

01:09:17.960 They're going to figure this out tonight.

01:09:20.300 But yeah, dude, they'd come and people would bet on them and then you can get, you know,

01:09:25.020 pictures afterwards and stuff.

01:09:28.160 Different times.

01:09:29.340 Different times, man.

01:09:31.060 Different times.

01:09:31.860 Would you ever do any road work, any vaudeville type stuff or do you think the road would kill

01:09:35.600 you?

01:09:36.340 Oh man.

01:09:37.440 Vaudeville type stuff?

01:09:38.540 Like, like what?

01:09:39.440 Like get out there, be a, you know, carny, not carny, but high end carnival. 1.00

01:09:44.040 High end carnival shit? 1.00

01:09:45.520 Yeah. 1.00

01:09:45.880 Like stepping on a bunch of rakes and stuff and like, uh, like clown noses, shit like 0.99

01:09:50.640 that. 0.99

01:09:50.940 A little sing song.

01:09:51.840 I could see you doing that.

01:09:52.480 In the middle of it.

01:09:53.560 It's a tough road.

01:09:55.460 The road is tough.

01:09:56.820 Yeah.

01:09:57.000 Especially when you're doing that.

01:09:58.440 I would imagine when you're doing what you do, you're like, oh, I get to do some standup

01:10:01.960 comedy now.

01:10:03.020 I love doing it.

01:10:04.340 I'm going to do it tonight.

01:10:05.660 Uh, but yeah, no, for me, I can't even play the accordion.

01:10:09.520 So that would probably be, it would be hard for me to justify being out there on the road.

01:10:13.880 I would probably lose money being on the road doing.

01:10:16.240 Yeah, you would.

01:10:16.760 I think I would definitely lose money and it would be depressing and lonely.

01:10:19.780 Yeah.

01:10:20.140 No, I'm not going to do it.

01:10:21.140 Would you ever open up for me on the road?

01:10:24.120 Uh, sure.

01:10:26.900 Wow.

01:10:27.240 That'd be cool.

01:10:27.840 Huh?

01:10:28.180 That wouldn't that be.

01:10:28.740 Hey, thank you very much.

01:10:30.240 I did.

01:10:30.820 You know, I would open up for you too.

01:10:32.480 Oh, cheers.

01:10:33.060 Well, I don't really do.

01:10:33.940 I don't really.

01:10:34.520 But when you put together a stage show, dude, I could see you having a stage show, a musical,

01:10:38.940 you know what I'm saying?

01:10:39.940 That would be fun.

01:10:40.800 You know, I've, I've, it's interesting having, uh, friends.

01:10:44.920 Now we're friends because we've spent this much time together.

01:10:47.820 Right.

01:10:48.260 Again, if you're just tuning in, Theo and I are establishing our friendship in live podcast

01:10:55.440 form. 0.98

01:10:55.760 This is, this is new media as it fucking gets. 0.99

01:10:58.880 Truly. 0.99

01:10:59.360 Like if you and I, if we like do more stuff, become buds and shit, then people will be 0.99

01:11:03.740 like, oh, you can fucking watch them. 0.98

01:11:06.320 You can literally watch them become friends in 2018. 0.98

01:11:09.680 Like here's the date and you can watch it now.

01:11:12.400 Um, I do, you know, having buddies like, uh, you know, Chris and Brian, Bobby Lee, who I've

01:11:18.200 been friends with for a long time.

01:11:19.400 I do a standup is, is such a, it's a much different thing than, than, than what I do

01:11:27.240 and what, what, uh, so many people in the business do.

01:11:29.380 It's such a specific thing, but I will say, you know, it's like, I kind of feel like, you

01:11:35.020 know, I've said this to Chris and Brian, I feel like it's an art form really, truly

01:11:39.240 because I'm a fan of, of, you know, the standup that I like to watch or whatever over the

01:11:44.260 years and, you know, we, porn, porn standup, uh, Hey, um, you're like, you know, I had 0.91

01:11:52.580 all the albums and shit growing up. 0.99

01:11:54.020 We had like George Carlin and, and fucking Pryor and, and the guy, the rapist and, and, 0.99

01:11:59.940 um, and, um, you know, like Gilda live, like Gilda Radner. 0.97

01:12:04.160 Oh, I got to listen to that.

01:12:05.140 Yeah.

01:12:05.340 Robert Klein.

01:12:06.320 Oh yeah.

01:12:06.820 Yeah.

01:12:07.440 You ever hear of Jerry Clower?

01:12:09.120 Jerry Clower.

01:12:09.880 No.

01:12:10.220 Oh, you got to listen to him.

01:12:11.200 Jerry Clower.

01:12:11.940 He's one of my favorites.

01:12:12.580 Okay.

01:12:13.360 Uh, I don't know.

01:12:14.260 And, and, but I feel like it's an art form under siege, especially now because it's experiencing

01:12:19.540 a big resurgence over the past, you know, handful of years.

01:12:23.520 What does siege mean?

01:12:24.360 Well, I feel like here's, here's how I feel.

01:12:26.920 If you're an actor, you still, somebody needs to let you do it.

01:12:30.540 You know what I mean?

01:12:31.260 You have to get through an audition. 0.95

01:12:32.960 I mean, you can go and make YouTube shit and do whatever, but if you want to be an actor, 0.97

01:12:36.820 you have to earn your spot here and there. 0.99

01:12:40.760 Actors have to audition all the time or have some sort of momentum or name or whatever.

01:12:45.400 So if you want to start out in acting, you, somebody has to let you do it.

01:12:50.360 If you want to be a musician, you have to have some musical talent or you'll be found out and

01:12:56.300 chewed up right away.

01:12:57.700 And I'm literally thinking about it in the most rudimentary way.

01:13:01.440 Like when I was a kid, you know, you know, a lot of kids wouldn't play hockey in my town 0.99

01:13:06.180 because their parents didn't want to pay for the fucking equipment. 0.99

01:13:08.300 Wow. 1.00

01:13:08.780 You know what I'm saying?

01:13:09.600 So like, like, so like, you know, musician is like, you need equipment, right?

01:13:13.920 You need equipment.

01:13:14.720 In comedy, you, you just need this microphone, which I'm pretty sure is provided.

01:13:19.460 You guys don't have to bring.

01:13:20.780 Yeah.

01:13:21.140 They have the mic there usually.

01:13:22.700 Yeah.

01:13:22.960 So if you go to an open mic and it's like, so I kind of feel like a lot of the, and I'm 0.97

01:13:27.560 saying this, I'm not saying this as somebody who knows what the fuck I'm saying. 0.99

01:13:30.840 This purely as an audience member to stand up when I see like total bullshit. 0.99

01:13:35.280 And then the, and this is again, my opinion strictly as an audience member. 0.97

01:13:40.480 And I will draw that line.

01:13:41.880 I like to enjoy and just, you know, not be a comedy head about it. 0.99

01:13:45.640 But if I go watch stand up somewhere and someone's fucking just bullshit, then the next person 0.99

01:13:51.160 is great. 1.00

01:13:51.860 And then it's like, bullshit, bullshit, great, great, great bullshit. 1.00

01:13:55.000 It's like, the fuck, can we get them out of here and just have this? 1.00

01:13:59.100 And I feel like there's just the way that stand up comedy is set up. 0.99

01:14:02.640 There's, there's just too much. 0.99

01:14:04.320 There's so much fucking. 1.00

01:14:06.560 Yeah. 1.00

01:14:07.100 I'm getting super passionate about it, but it's true.

01:14:10.320 It's true.

01:14:11.320 You know, I mean, and I'll say.

01:14:12.520 There's a lot of bad stuff, man.

01:14:13.500 I mean, you know, and I'm not asking you to get into that because I feel like.

01:14:16.780 No, it's fine.

01:14:17.620 I feel like I can, I can, maybe I can say it because it's not my bread and butter.

01:14:21.440 It's not what I do at all.

01:14:23.800 So far be it for me to like go, you know, look, I've been doing what I do for a really

01:14:29.700 long time. 0.81

01:14:30.240 So anytime I've done some stage shit, like some, some stand up stuff, it has to be just 0.78

01:14:35.780 like a bit. 0.84

01:14:37.000 And, you know, so like, you know, I used to do a character that we used to do on, on

01:14:41.720 the podcast I had with Brian and Chris on the, on the.

01:14:45.520 Well, what kind of guy was it?

01:14:46.940 It was a stand, like it was a stand.

01:14:48.420 It was basically a standup guy. 0.99

01:14:50.560 Like a sick guy. 0.93

01:14:51.940 Like a what?

01:14:52.440 Like a guy that was sick or something.

01:14:53.720 Yeah. 1.00

01:14:53.940 He'd take too many dick pills and his hands were straight and he would come out. 1.00

01:14:57.040 They would just freak people out. 1.00

01:14:58.000 No.

01:14:58.480 That was in West Palm Beach.

01:14:59.540 That happened to me.

01:15:00.740 What?

01:15:01.240 Yeah.

01:15:01.960 I think you talked about this earlier on in our friendship about.

01:15:05.160 Oh yeah.

01:15:06.080 25 minutes ago.

01:15:06.960 Yeah.

01:15:07.140 My bad.

01:15:07.420 So, um, uh, so, uh, no, I used to do this guy and we did it on the 10 minute podcast

01:15:14.060 cause it was like, oh, here's a funny thing for like something to be, the bit was like,

01:15:18.520 oh, he's a, he's a, he's a former open miker who is, is, uh, Hey, I'm just going to sit

01:15:24.360 in.

01:15:24.580 You guys do your thing and I'll sit in and they go.

01:15:27.180 And cause we would do bits.

01:15:28.120 From Schenectady.

01:15:29.280 What?

01:15:29.660 From Schenectady.

01:15:30.280 From Schenectady.

01:15:31.060 Right.

01:15:31.480 And this fellow and we just, his name was David Greco and he was just like this guy.

01:15:35.340 Hey, what up?

01:15:36.160 And so they would do their thing and they'd be talking and he would go, Hey, what's going

01:15:39.760 on with a Britney Spears?

01:15:40.720 She shaved her head.

01:15:41.480 It's crazy.

01:15:42.360 Yeah.

01:15:42.560 Like, dude, that happened 10 years ago. 0.99

01:15:44.460 Like, shut the fuck up unless you have something good. 0.99

01:15:46.080 Okay. 1.00

01:15:46.640 That's the bit.

01:15:47.880 So ha ha.

01:15:48.800 And then I was like, oh, maybe I'll do it live.

01:15:51.020 So I did it a few bunch of times and it was kind of fun, but it was always a bit.

01:15:55.560 And I kind of feel like someone like me has to come into it sideways doing like a bit

01:16:00.560 or else, or else, cause I don't like it when I see, man, that could be worked out, man.

01:16:06.260 What do you mean?

01:16:06.580 You could figure that out.

01:16:07.720 You know, you could have somebody doing, you know, playing a straight man on stage and then

01:16:11.080 you fit, you know, like I would just love to see you on the road, you know, taking it

01:16:15.040 to the streets.

01:16:15.920 Oh, that's interesting.

01:16:16.940 You know, I really would in some form.

01:16:18.660 I think there's gotta be a way cause people just love you.

01:16:21.420 It seemed like everybody loves you and it seemed like it would be nice if people could

01:16:24.800 see that.

01:16:26.240 Well, that's, that's, that's cool.

01:16:27.600 I'm, I, that's interesting to hear you say that.

01:16:29.260 Cause I, I, you know, the, the, the times that I've performed live have been, you know,

01:16:35.100 they're not standupy things, you know, but I, you know, I've done a lot of, you know,

01:16:38.900 like mad TV, live audience, live audience sitcoms that I've done and shit and, and this

01:16:43.100 and that, you know, you, you end up doing stuff that is essentially being in front of 0.89

01:16:47.440 a crowd going, Hey, me, me.

01:16:48.720 And, and it's like, well, I gotta, you know, I gotta, I gotta read everybody and do this.

01:16:52.800 And, you know, it's essentially, uh, doing standup with a net kind of thing. 0.98

01:16:56.880 I've been involved in that sort of shit. 0.94

01:16:58.720 And then I've had friends that are like, um, you know, weirdos in comedy that do do 0.99

01:17:03.540 some, some weird stuff who, who come from more sketch and scripted.

01:17:07.420 But, but also before that came from a stage, came from improv, came from putting together

01:17:13.960 a sketch troupe, come from writing and they go, well, if you don't want to do that, you

01:17:19.220 could do like, I have one friend of mine who's like, oh, well, when I do a live show,

01:17:22.860 like I come out and I have like a guy who plays a standup bass and it's weird.

01:17:25.920 And I, I got a song.

01:17:27.260 Yeah.

01:17:27.400 Put a package together.

01:17:28.760 And yeah, dude, I remember when I had 15 minutes of comedy, I would go to colleges and, uh,

01:17:35.520 what would I do?

01:17:36.720 Oh, and I would show up the day before I would shoot like a cribs with like the principal 0.58

01:17:40.180 of the school or like a fraternity.

01:17:41.800 That's funny.

01:17:42.260 And I would go to their place and like shoot it all and then edit it together that night.

01:17:45.980 So that was like a, and I would do interviews around campus.

01:17:48.260 Like, you know, I heard you, they're allowing guns on campus.

01:17:51.120 What do you guys think?

01:17:52.060 You know?

01:17:52.460 Yeah. 1.00

01:17:53.000 And people, one kid ran off and I asked him it like, fuck him, bro. 1.00

01:17:57.180 That's funny. 1.00

01:17:57.580 You know?

01:17:58.260 So you keep running, bro.

01:17:59.240 Somebody's going to gun you down.

01:18:00.780 But, but I would ask him all kinds of stuff, funny stuff.

01:18:03.360 And then I'd make out like a, you know, 30 minute video.

01:18:05.500 Then I would do the video and then come out and do whatever little comedy I had.

01:18:10.060 And that was the show.

01:18:11.060 I mean, I think just these days, there's so much you can mix up.

01:18:13.540 I just think that people would love to see you out there.

01:18:15.620 Oh, cheers.

01:18:16.140 You know, you got to get out and about.

01:18:18.400 Well, let me ask you this.

01:18:19.840 Why?

01:18:20.160 Why?

01:18:20.860 Why do you need to be out and about?

01:18:23.260 Because, man.

01:18:24.740 You get a natural tan.

01:18:25.700 No, I'm really, I'm curious.

01:18:27.480 Yeah, get out there.

01:18:28.160 People will tell you if the, if people are listening, they'll even tell you to get out

01:18:31.140 there, man.

01:18:31.940 You know, I think you look like Gerard Butler a little bit.

01:18:34.140 People tell you that?

01:18:35.140 That I look like Gerard Butler?

01:18:36.420 Yeah.

01:18:36.720 People do tell me that several times a day.

01:18:38.700 Do they really or not?

01:18:39.600 Yeah.

01:18:40.140 That's weird.

01:18:40.500 And he's always in the top 100 of the Man on Mad Magazine.

01:18:43.440 Ah.

01:18:44.240 So you had, it looks like you have another tier to aim for.

01:18:46.200 I do need to aim for another tier.

01:18:47.820 You're not wrong.

01:18:48.340 You know, I, okay, I shouldn't even be saying this on wax, as they say.

01:18:54.880 But yeah, I was thinking about doing, not the old stand-up character that I was doing,

01:18:58.960 but I've been thinking about doing a new stand-up character.

01:19:01.260 Yeah.

01:19:01.520 Like what, I'll, let me, let me see what it's like.

01:19:04.120 Well, see.

01:19:04.740 I'll try it too.

01:19:05.500 Okay.

01:19:05.740 I'll pitch it because, you know why.

01:19:07.000 Pitch it at me.

01:19:07.500 You know why I'm going to pitch it?

01:19:08.700 Why?

01:19:09.020 Because A, I'll probably never do it.

01:19:11.000 And B, because I feel like it's, it's not a bad thing now to pull the curtain back a

01:19:17.000 little bit because we're in the internet age. 0.99

01:19:19.380 Pull that bitch back, dude. 1.00

01:19:20.280 Nothing is special. 1.00

01:19:21.340 The whole family's in the bathtub.

01:19:22.640 When you pull that curtain back, you see the whole family's in the bathtub.

01:19:24.840 Yeah, that's what you hope for.

01:19:27.460 When you pull that curtain back, you hope to see all of them in a line.

01:19:31.320 Just like, like the stickers on the back of a minivan.

01:19:33.840 Oh, yeah.

01:19:34.440 Just like all lined up and a dog and a cat.

01:19:35.960 Doing coke, too, a lot of them.

01:19:37.060 Yeah, just doing coke.

01:19:37.940 Just a family doing coke behind that bathroom curtain. 0.74

01:19:40.480 Yeah, I know, dude.

01:19:41.440 That's what comedy is, really.

01:19:42.900 Dude.

01:19:43.120 You think about it?

01:19:43.840 Order me a bag of yams, brother.

01:19:45.660 You're in a slingshot. 1.00

01:19:46.140 Dude, get me some sweet potatoes and a fucking slingshot. 1.00

01:19:48.940 It's Christmas. 1.00

01:19:49.740 Some kind of fucking self-made. 0.99

01:19:51.400 We got to talk about Christmas, too, so do the character, Will. 0.98

01:19:53.980 Okay, so the...

01:19:54.980 Jesus Christ, dude.

01:19:57.520 All right.

01:19:58.200 I feel like we invited you here to do characters. 0.99

01:19:59.820 You've just been talking about all kinds of shit for like an hour. 0.98

01:20:01.900 We're talking about all sorts of nothing. 0.99

01:20:03.020 Yeah, dude. 0.98

01:20:03.560 I haven't gotten to fucking... 1.00

01:20:04.120 Dude, a fucking character, man. 1.00

01:20:05.780 Juggler or something, or I'm calling the cops. 1.00

01:20:07.760 My fucking... 1.00

01:20:08.100 Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:20:10.340 My forearms are sweating.

01:20:11.980 Jesus Christ, dude. 0.99

01:20:13.260 Fucking look at this, dude. 0.99

01:20:14.320 Somebody's going to bake you over the holidays. 0.99

01:20:15.960 You've got to tighten up. 0.99

01:20:16.360 Look at how fucking... 0.99

01:20:16.600 This is wet. 1.00

01:20:17.400 Yeah, your fucking arms are wet, dude. 1.00

01:20:18.860 My arms are wet, man. 1.00

01:20:19.740 Are you having a stroke?

01:20:20.880 I don't know. 1.00

01:20:21.780 I fucking took some dick pills at the AMPN. 0.99

01:20:23.980 I figured I was going to get in here. 1.00

01:20:25.820 Might as well get some uppers in me. 1.00

01:20:27.780 I fucking... 0.99

01:20:28.160 I slept here last night. 1.00

01:20:29.260 I was in the fucking aisle. 1.00

01:20:30.460 I had some nijiri, and then this morning I had a fucking turkey sandwich. 1.00

01:20:33.980 I cleaned myself up. 1.00

01:20:35.640 Took a couple of fucking rhinos. 1.00

01:20:37.620 Yeah. 1.00

01:20:39.440 You're ready for the outback.

01:20:40.820 Anyway, here's my character.

01:20:42.520 Okay. 1.00

01:20:43.320 Fuck me. 1.00

01:20:44.640 Anyway, this is literally what I was thinking. 1.00

01:20:47.160 Yeah, tell us.

01:20:48.240 What if I did stand up?

01:20:49.740 Uh-huh. 1.00

01:20:50.060 See, this is going to be the dumbest fucking thing ever. 1.00

01:20:52.820 Well, but still, just get it out. 1.00

01:20:54.540 I fucking pitched this to a couple of buddies of mine the other night. 0.96

01:20:56.960 I was like, hey, man, you know what might be funny? 0.98

01:20:59.080 Because they know the old stand-up character.

01:21:00.980 Just tell us.

01:21:01.760 No, I got to drum roll it so it doesn't work.

01:21:03.900 I got to make sure it doesn't work.

01:21:05.340 Okay. 1.00

01:21:05.740 I got to fucking just fucking stomp it into the ground first. 0.99

01:21:10.200 And I pitched it to them, and they went, eh, I don't know. 0.98

01:21:13.240 So that's why I just wanted to preface it by saying other people who I respect in comedy,

01:21:18.520 one's a writer, one's a director, not stand-up.

01:21:20.420 Never heard of them.

01:21:21.280 Do it, dude.

01:21:21.820 And they went.

01:21:22.340 They went.

01:21:22.660 Okay.

01:21:23.280 I don't know. 0.99

01:21:24.300 Do the fucking character. 1.00

01:21:25.220 Here's the character. 1.00

01:21:26.000 Here's the character.

01:21:26.840 Ready?

01:21:27.060 What is it, dude?

01:21:27.940 A chatty bad Santa? 1.00

01:21:30.160 Do the damn character. 1.00

01:21:31.380 With sweaty arms? 1.00

01:21:32.540 Bro, what if you never do the character and it just keeps being this?

01:21:36.360 What if I just go on stage and pitch a character and never do it?

01:21:40.260 Yeah. 0.99

01:21:41.300 This fucking podcast just goes in perpetuity through. 1.00

01:21:44.600 So. 1.00

01:21:45.300 Do the character, dude.

01:21:47.460 Well, there's really no.

01:21:48.260 I'll do it for you.

01:21:48.720 There's really no.

01:21:49.140 Hey, Gus.

01:21:50.540 I'm Willie.

01:21:50.980 We're going to be in Milwaukee.

01:21:52.760 Yeah.

01:21:53.940 Should he fight that guy?

01:21:55.900 Yeah.

01:21:57.020 Hey.

01:21:57.400 B-D-E.

01:21:58.200 Hey.

01:21:58.700 Here's my.

01:21:59.220 Here's my.

01:22:00.140 B-D-E.

01:22:01.080 Here's my Brendan Schaub impersonation.

01:22:03.520 Ready?

01:22:03.960 It's just a couple words.

01:22:05.160 Okay.

01:22:05.780 Hey, Dana White.

01:22:07.860 That's it.

01:22:09.820 It's a three-word impersonation.

01:22:11.740 I don't know, B.

01:22:13.040 I don't know.

01:22:14.840 B, listen.

01:22:15.440 Dana White.

01:22:17.460 That's it.

01:22:18.480 That's my home.

01:22:19.780 I've never done that for him.

01:22:20.980 Yeah.

01:22:21.300 How many countries are there?

01:22:22.540 Look it up, Chin. 1.00

01:22:24.660 How many countries are there?

01:22:26.660 Hey, Chin. 0.80

01:22:27.200 How do I spell my name?

01:22:28.240 Look it up if you don't mind.

01:22:29.980 B-D-E.

01:22:30.960 Black Rifle Coffee.

01:22:32.800 We'll see you in Toledo.

01:22:35.960 So here's my character.

01:22:37.660 Santa Ana going to release some special tickets.

01:22:40.880 Where are you going to be at, Bri?

01:22:42.060 Bri.

01:22:43.980 Yeah.

01:22:44.380 Or how about, instead of Hey, Dana White, this is my new.

01:22:49.120 Listen, Dana White.

01:22:50.980 That's pretty good.

01:22:51.860 That's a good one.

01:22:52.600 So.

01:22:56.300 That's my Brian.

01:22:58.160 Yeah. 0.99

01:23:03.420 And then he took out one of my ribs and fucking cooked it right there. 0.99

01:23:08.980 Chuck an arm and get him in a fucking weird choke. 1.00

01:23:14.340 B-D-E. 1.00

01:23:15.680 B-D-E.

01:23:16.900 Hey, Dana White.

01:23:19.880 That's 250 episodes of TFATK in two minutes.

01:23:26.660 You want to see that?

01:23:27.800 There you go.

01:23:28.540 Let's do it.

01:23:29.800 Let's do all 252 episodes of TFATK in two minutes.

01:23:33.780 We just did it.

01:23:34.580 That's pretty good.

01:23:35.000 That's true.

01:23:35.660 Just edit that up then.

01:23:36.780 We'll package that up.

01:23:38.220 So.

01:23:39.780 And then they get that little redheaded guy in there. 1.00

01:23:42.240 That guy who has who knows what.

01:23:43.760 Probably a disease or something.

01:23:44.540 You're talking about Cheeto Santino?

01:23:45.680 Yeah, Cheeto Santino. 1.00

01:23:46.780 Some guy named after a fucking chip. 1.00

01:23:48.580 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

01:23:48.700 I didn't watch.

01:23:49.240 Some guy named after someone that gets dropped off in a van every afternoon and thrown into 1.00

01:23:53.680 a machine where people put change in and get you out of a fucking chip, bro. 1.00

01:23:58.800 Get your life together, dude. 1.00

01:24:00.260 Get your life together. 1.00

01:24:01.220 With your fucking cousin Funyun and your boy fucking Bugles. 1.00

01:24:05.240 Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:24:06.260 Hey, you fucking cocksucker. 1.00

01:24:08.220 You're going to fall off the thing. 1.00

01:24:10.540 Get off the thing, you crazy fuck you. 1.00

01:24:13.240 Cocksucker Joey Diaz. 1.00

01:24:14.560 That's Joey Diaz.

01:24:15.040 No, that's when Michael Rapoport's Instagram.

01:24:18.640 Oh, yeah.

01:24:19.240 That's my impression. 1.00

01:24:19.700 Fuck it. 1.00

01:24:20.400 You listen here, Donald Trump, okay? 1.00

01:24:22.880 Don't dig stink, Donald. 1.00

01:24:24.440 Get off the fucking thing. 1.00

01:24:25.980 You're going to drop that dog and get hit by a car. 1.00

01:24:28.600 And then that happens.

01:24:30.120 Yeah.

01:24:30.380 You want to talk to somebody?

01:24:32.700 I'm a white, privileged, white guy, Jewish, Al-Skenazi, rare, silverback Hebrew, and I 1.00

01:24:39.680 fucking, Porzingis, Carmelo Anthony, you fucking Donald Trump. 1.00

01:24:45.300 Don't, don't. 1.00

01:24:46.300 Look at this fucking guy's going to jump through this table and hurt himself. 1.00

01:24:51.440 You fucking cocksucker. 1.00

01:24:53.860 Oh, he fucking fell. 1.00

01:24:55.600 I fucking told you. 1.00

01:24:57.220 Here's my character. 1.00

01:25:01.460 Okay.

01:25:02.580 No, I don't want the character.

01:25:04.360 Do another one and I'll guess who it is, dude.

01:25:06.060 I'll do one and you guess who it is, all right?

01:25:07.500 Okay, let's do that instead.

01:25:08.200 I'll do this one.

01:25:09.680 Let me think of one.

01:25:14.520 What world are these people from?

01:25:15.840 Well, we only know about four of the same people.

01:25:18.680 That's true.

01:25:19.300 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:25:20.120 That's true.

01:25:20.620 I was just practicing that.

01:25:26.700 Okay, hold on.

01:25:28.020 You do one because I don't have any.

01:25:29.520 I would have guessed that that was short.

01:25:30.260 I don't know any.

01:25:31.920 Okay. 1.00

01:25:33.260 I mean, I'm quite happy to go, you fucking cocksucker, get out of the street. 1.00

01:25:37.560 Now you're going to get splashed with water when the fucking bus drives by. 1.00

01:25:41.360 You dumb fuck, you got splashed with water, you cocksucker. 1.00

01:25:48.360 Dick Stain Donald. 1.00

01:25:49.480 Dick Stain Donald, listen. 0.95

01:25:51.120 Yeah, yeah, yeah, listen. 1.00

01:25:53.240 You dropped out of the fucking Paris Climate Accord, you fucking idiot, you. 1.00

01:25:58.180 Listen to Guy McCrone, you fucking dick skin piece of shit. 1.00

01:26:05.960 You fucking. 1.00

01:26:09.760 You set black unemployment down. 1.00

01:26:12.420 You're the whitest. 1.00

01:26:13.420 You're fucking whiter than me, Dick Stain Donald. 1.00

01:26:16.580 And they look just like each other. 1.00

01:26:18.340 We look exactly the same. 1.00

01:26:19.820 You're my fucking dad. 1.00

01:26:21.180 And I'm fucking angry. 1.00

01:26:23.180 Their kids went to the same school. 0.99

01:26:25.040 That's what I don't understand.

01:26:26.320 Yeah. 0.99

01:26:26.760 You had your fucking hair straightened because you don't want to look like me? 1.00

01:26:30.020 You fucking cocksucker, you. 1.00

01:26:31.800 Oh, my God, dude. 1.00

01:26:36.800 Yeah.

01:26:37.280 Right before it sounds like somebody stuffed that movie Casino into a ginger.

01:26:45.360 That's what it sounds like.

01:26:47.160 It's like, what's going on here? 1.00

01:26:49.020 And also, while we're at it, Spike Lee fucking sucks dick. 1.00

01:26:52.960 I'll say that. 1.00

01:26:53.720 That dude's had one good movie and a bunch of bad outfits. 0.97

01:26:56.480 If he weren't at the front of the Knicks games, nobody would give a fuck about that, dude. 0.95

01:27:00.620 Yeah. 1.00

01:27:01.160 You fucking put my fucking money to sleep. 1.00

01:27:03.540 I'll put your fucking brain to sleep. 1.00

01:27:06.120 And just when you're fucking waking up in a fucking hospital, I'll be there to do it again. 1.00

01:27:11.020 Because I'm stupid, you cocksucker, you. 1.00

01:27:14.340 Why are you talking to him like that? 1.00

01:27:15.700 He's a straight guy.

01:27:16.400 Because I'll tell you why.

01:27:18.000 It's Casino.

01:27:21.080 It's Casino. 1.00

01:27:21.820 You went over my fucking head, you cocksucker, you. 1.00

01:27:25.380 We should reshoot Casino with Michael Rappaport. 1.00

01:27:30.640 And I don't know, like Brian could play Ace Rothschild, and Brendan or Chris could play the Sharon Stone part.

01:27:39.560 It's just rich people yelling at each other, man.

01:27:41.860 Yeah.

01:27:42.240 It's all any of that. 0.99

01:27:43.000 That movie is fucking, that's some good rich people yelling at each other, though. 0.99

01:27:46.280 One of the finest rich people yelling at each other movies. 1.00

01:27:48.640 Yeah.

01:27:49.140 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:27:50.760 All right, do one more, dude.

01:27:53.440 I'll do one, dude.

01:27:54.420 Okay, go.

01:27:54.880 Let me do your character, all right?

01:27:56.500 Okay, do my character.

01:27:59.980 Oh, hey, guys.

01:28:01.840 My name is Patrick.

01:28:04.920 And I was in a train wreck.

01:28:08.080 Woo, woo. 0.87

01:28:12.920 Oh, hey, guys.

01:28:14.620 It's a snack car coming through. 1.00

01:28:21.060 Oh, fuck. 1.00

01:28:21.820 I'm trying not to laugh because it's so hot in here. 1.00

01:28:23.500 Is that one?

01:28:24.240 That's a pretty good one.

01:28:25.440 That's Patrick.

01:28:26.380 I'm going to pitch this to you because I want to know your opinion. 1.00

01:28:30.000 Oh, my fucking God. 0.99

01:28:30.860 Dude, I want to go home. 1.00

01:28:32.720 Pitch this fucking thing, guys. 0.99

01:28:34.340 I'm actually going to do it. 1.00

01:28:35.080 We're supposed to do Christmas shit, man. 0.99

01:28:36.620 This whole thing's supposed to be about Christmas. 1.00

01:28:37.860 This fucking thing was Christmassy. 0.99

01:28:39.200 You got that on? 1.00

01:28:40.080 I got a fucking hat that's raising my temperature, but I'm sticking with it. 1.00

01:28:44.580 I'm fucking sweating through fur. 1.00

01:28:46.720 I'm fucking sweating through fur. 1.00

01:28:48.980 You fucking cocksucker, you. 1.00

01:28:51.700 Yeah, where were you when I was playing in the NBA six-on-six celebrity basketball, you piece of shit? 1.00

01:28:57.960 Yeah. 1.00

01:28:58.160 You couldn't beat Omarosa in a one-on-one, Dick Stain Donald?

01:29:02.300 Dick Stain Donald?

01:29:03.560 You're right here causing all this traffic. 1.00

01:29:06.100 I'm fucking rich, and I'm yelling at you. 1.00

01:29:08.560 Nobody showed up to your fucking inauguration. 1.00

01:29:11.140 You cocksucker, you. 1.00

01:29:13.920 Okay, so here's the character. 1.00

01:29:15.100 Who cares?

01:29:16.160 Why does Michael care so much about it?

01:29:18.220 Ah, well, you got to be passionate.

01:29:19.680 He's passionate about it.

01:29:20.600 He is passionate.

01:29:21.160 It's a good point.

01:29:22.640 But it's like, why take it out?

01:29:24.040 Take it out on somebody else. 1.00

01:29:25.060 Take it out on the coach of the fucking Knicks. 1.00

01:29:26.700 That guy's been a fucking piece of shit for 20 years. 1.00

01:29:29.420 That team's garbage, bro. 1.00

01:29:31.160 Wait a minute. 1.00

01:29:31.960 You're talking about taking out his political views that he would have aimed at Trump on the

01:29:36.000 cocks of the New York Knickerbockers? 0.88

01:29:37.980 Yeah.

01:29:38.420 It'd be a little more, I don't know.

01:29:40.140 It'd be interesting.

01:29:41.100 Yeah, just try something different, dude.

01:29:43.440 That's definitely different.

01:29:45.420 No, he's politically ranting.

01:29:46.900 People do this.

01:29:47.540 Yeah, that's true. 0.99

01:29:48.380 And they fucking, I will say that there's, that I love that we live in an age that the 0.98

01:29:52.740 internet is still the Wild West, that you can literally get on the internet 1.00

01:29:56.320 and say, and call the fucking president whatever the fuck you want. 0.99

01:30:00.120 And nobody can do anything about it. 1.00

01:30:01.640 People threaten to kill him.

01:30:02.760 Didn't Madonna say that? 0.99

01:30:04.180 Yeah, and she didn't even fucking do it. 1.00

01:30:05.720 Where are you at, Madonna? 0.96

01:30:06.720 Yeah. 1.00

01:30:06.840 Fucking kill him if you want. 1.00

01:30:08.480 Kill somebody. 1.00

01:30:09.540 Kill somebody. 1.00

01:30:10.080 Kill the coach of the Knicks. 1.00

01:30:11.100 You're a senior citizen that's fucking trying to, you know, fuck, you know. 1.00

01:30:14.720 Yeah, speaking of the Knicks, she fucked half of them, dude. 1.00

01:30:17.600 Donna Maca. 1.00

01:30:18.600 Donna Maca.

01:30:19.940 What if Chris started dating Madonna?

01:30:21.780 That would be a power move.

01:30:23.780 I wish he would, dude.

01:30:25.140 I wish he would.

01:30:26.080 Because here's the thing.

01:30:26.760 He's got a chance to really hook up with some old senior citizen hotties before they, you 1.00

01:30:31.160 know, go to heaven or don't go to heaven.

01:30:32.880 And there's a few out there.

01:30:34.280 Oh, yeah, dude.

01:30:35.880 Jessica Lange.

01:30:37.380 She's still hot. 1.00

01:30:37.480 Yeah, dude.

01:30:38.080 Artie Lange.

01:30:38.940 Artie Lange.

01:30:41.360 You know, yeah, that's it, I think.

01:30:44.400 Let's see the character.

01:30:45.580 Okay, so here's the character.

01:30:46.940 Okay.

01:30:47.620 It's essentially, it's me doing stand-up.

01:30:51.980 Okay.

01:30:53.720 Some jokes, you know, write some jokes, try to get up there for a few minutes.

01:30:57.860 Oh, yeah, definitely.

01:30:58.940 Then maybe I might even pilfer some of the jokes from the other character.

01:31:02.120 Yeah.

01:31:02.860 Maybe.

01:31:03.500 That's a specific bit.

01:31:04.680 Probably not.

01:31:05.760 Here's what it is, though.

01:31:07.220 It's me with maybe a slightly different name and a very short, well-made wig.

01:31:16.200 Like, I could see it.

01:31:23.100 And it's not one of those things where it's like, oh, why, why can't, why wouldn't he just, 0.99

01:31:29.440 we'll just take this stupid wig off and do the jokes. 1.00

01:31:32.540 Well, no. 1.00

01:31:34.500 This character has his own specific point of view on things.

01:31:40.360 About?

01:31:41.360 I don't know.

01:31:42.100 Mostly what it is, though, is me doing stand-up.

01:31:46.200 Yep.

01:31:47.060 Slightly different name.

01:31:48.220 Mm-hmm.

01:31:48.740 And a little short, short brown wig.

01:31:50.840 I could see that.

01:31:51.960 I could see you in the smallest wig ever.

01:31:54.520 Like a tiny wig just on the back of my head.

01:31:56.340 And I would have a name like Pete or maybe Phillip.

01:31:59.960 Stanley.

01:32:00.740 Stanley.

01:32:01.500 Daniel.

01:32:02.100 Just something different.

01:32:03.420 Yeah.

01:32:04.580 Bunyan.

01:32:05.820 Bunyan's a good name.

01:32:07.880 Bunyan's a cute name for a rabbit.

01:32:08.980 Bunyan comma Paul.

01:32:09.880 I feel like you would have any name that would be cute for a rabbit would be cute for you.

01:32:13.620 And if I, and if I.

01:32:16.400 Muffin.

01:32:16.940 Cotton.

01:32:17.500 Thumper Jenkins.

01:32:18.440 Yeah, yeah.

01:32:19.240 There you go.

01:32:20.940 Ladies and gentlemen, one hand smacking against the other makes a wonderful sound for Thumper Jenkins.

01:32:26.120 Yeah, there he goes.

01:32:26.880 Hey, guys.

01:32:27.560 What's up?

01:32:27.900 I'm Thumper Jenkins.

01:32:28.680 Yeah, and here's Thumper Jenkins, and he's got three tasty yams he's about to fire across

01:32:33.560 this river.

01:32:34.000 What if I just, and I just, I have like a super colorful name, but I don't, but I just speak

01:32:38.300 very Canadian.

01:32:39.620 Like Spunk Wilson. 0.67

01:32:41.940 Yeah.

01:32:42.900 Spunk Wilson.

01:32:43.760 Yeah, Spunk Wilson, dude. 1.00

01:32:45.220 Spunk taste test Wilson.

01:32:47.580 Yeah, yeah.

01:32:49.060 Old scratch and sniff Wilson, they called him.

01:32:51.680 So I think this would be something that could be interesting.

01:32:55.440 So technically, it wouldn't be me, I wouldn't be doing.

01:32:59.380 Are you going to do any of it for us or not?

01:33:01.000 Or that's it?

01:33:01.560 No, that's, I haven't worked out the rest of it.

01:33:04.340 That's crazy, bro, that you told us all that.

01:33:06.600 Yeah.

01:33:07.620 God dang, dude.

01:33:09.260 I prefer Theo's Philip character than get hit by a train.

01:33:12.080 I feel like I just watched Schindler's List, dude.

01:33:14.680 This is the worst ending.

01:33:15.700 This is like Boys on the Side or whatever.

01:33:17.460 Can we go to some of these videos?

01:33:18.820 Jesus Christ.

01:33:22.220 Can we go to some of these videos? 1.00

01:33:23.780 Damn, dude. 0.99

01:33:25.700 Quit sweating, bro. 1.00

01:33:26.980 Are you really having a stroke?

01:33:28.160 Look at that.

01:33:29.240 Bro, his arms are soaking wet.

01:33:32.080 Let's get through this.

01:33:32.960 Now, here's a young guy. 0.95

01:33:33.600 It's so fucking hot in here. 0.95

01:33:35.700 This is a, I can't believe we said the app on him this many times. 0.96

01:33:38.020 The door opened on a Wednesday.

01:33:40.260 That lawyer is not happy down the hall.

01:33:42.120 Oh, there's a lawyer down the hall?

01:33:42.820 He just like opened up his door and looked.

01:33:45.220 Oh, it was a while ago.

01:33:46.600 Look at this guy.

01:33:47.860 Here we go.

01:33:48.260 I love it. 1.00

01:33:49.920 Will Sasso, you little fucking balloon nut. 1.00

01:33:52.880 How are you, buddy? 1.00

01:33:54.720 Sam Osmond here.

01:33:55.700 Theo, hope you're doing well.

01:33:56.980 From Australia.

01:33:57.720 No, you don't.

01:33:59.360 Will, I wanted to know, when was the time you faked excitement for a Christmas gift?

01:34:05.340 Could be from anyone, family member.

01:34:07.860 Appreciate it.

01:34:08.520 Boys, Merry Christmas to you.

01:34:10.760 I like his Bullet Club t-shirt.

01:34:13.220 I'm going to say that first.

01:34:14.200 What is that?

01:34:15.080 Bullet Club's a wrestling thing. 0.98

01:34:16.360 Currently, the Bullet Club would be Cody Rhodes and the Young Bucks, mostly.

01:34:22.640 And the Bullet Club, people would have been shot?

01:34:25.080 No, nobody's been shot.

01:34:26.260 Well, it's in Japan.

01:34:27.000 They have a different relationship with guns than we do here.

01:34:30.360 Yeah.

01:34:30.820 You know, the Bullet Club, you know, we got, you know, a couple of those guys moved out here.

01:34:34.100 Now they're just a club.

01:34:35.240 But when it was back there, it was, you know, Prince Devitt, AJ Styles, guys like that.

01:34:39.140 A Christmas gift that I was underwhelmed by.

01:34:43.840 Faked excitement for.

01:34:45.200 Faked excitement for.

01:34:46.640 Yeah, I could think of one.

01:34:48.720 A hat. 1.00

01:34:50.980 Nobody likes getting a fucking hat, dude. 1.00

01:34:52.780 If you get somebody a hat for Christmas, fuck them. 1.00

01:34:54.540 Well, actually, my agents used to send me wine. 1.00

01:34:58.020 They still do, on Christmas.

01:35:00.020 And I wasn't drinking for a while.

01:35:01.980 So I'd have to faint excitement.

01:35:03.300 But not last Christmas.

01:35:04.920 Because for about a year now, you would remember this from earlier in our friendship.

01:35:09.140 I introduced a little red wine.

01:35:11.400 Not white wine.

01:35:12.320 Yeah. 1.00

01:35:12.440 Because that's fucking, that's sugary poison. 1.00

01:35:15.080 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:35:15.780 White wine.

01:35:15.880 So there's the answer to your question.

01:35:17.220 I would have loved if you had more of a question about the Bullet Club.

01:35:20.600 Do you, what disease do you think would go best with you?

01:35:24.240 If you had to have a unique disease or rare disease.

01:35:25.840 Well, diabetes.

01:35:26.800 Right.

01:35:27.140 But I'm talking about something fancy.

01:35:28.840 Something fancy.

01:35:28.940 Something high end, you know?

01:35:31.160 What would be a good disease for me?

01:35:33.160 Bell's palsy.

01:35:33.900 I could see you having a soft side of your face.

01:35:36.040 Hoof and mouth.

01:35:37.320 Bell's palsy.

01:35:38.240 I had a friend who had Bell's palsy.

01:35:39.820 Yeah, I had a friend.

01:35:40.660 I would make him laugh because it was just so funny to see him go.

01:35:43.580 He did like this Jean Chrétien laugh.

01:35:45.820 That's some Canadian content for his former prime minister.

01:35:49.080 Oh, yeah.

01:35:49.460 And he had to talk like this and he'd go.

01:35:53.100 I love that, too.

01:35:55.720 He had Bell's palsy, he don't even care.

01:35:58.960 Yeah, I got Bell's palsy and he doesn't make a dance.

01:36:02.200 He doesn't make a dance.

01:36:03.720 It literally, that's it.

01:36:05.880 Because Jean Chrétien, he talk like this for the Canadian people and he doesn't make a dance.

01:36:17.180 Dude, yeah. 1.00

01:36:20.140 Everybody in France sound like they just were coming and then got hit by a fucking bat in the spine. 0.99

01:36:25.140 What are these videos? 1.00

01:36:32.000 Next video, what do we got?

01:36:33.000 This one's audio.

01:36:33.660 Hey, this question is for Will Sassel.

01:36:35.420 My name's Matthew from Canada.

01:36:37.860 And I wanted to know, do you know what your favorite urban comedian, Shauna, will be doing for Christmas?

01:36:43.440 She'll be standing with you, you know, handing out some AHJs, you know, behind the comedy store, you know, with her eggnog.

01:36:50.220 So, thanks.

01:36:51.440 Appreciate you guys.

01:36:52.440 That's very cool.

01:36:54.580 He's referencing something we used to do on the aforementioned 10-minute podcast.

01:36:58.120 Yeah.

01:36:58.480 Another comedian character.

01:37:00.720 Shauna was a woman who was the queen bee of urban comedy, the first lady of keeping it real. 1.00

01:37:07.420 Oh, God.

01:37:08.300 I haven't heard from Shauna in about five or six years.

01:37:11.800 Do you know if you, what happened to the 10-minute podcast?

01:37:18.500 Honestly, somebody didn't, somebody, one of you guys wasn't pulling their weight.

01:37:23.320 No, no.

01:37:23.960 Actually, that was, it was, it was that we were all pulling too much weight.

01:37:27.620 No, really what happened was probably around, I can't remember, 2014, we started doing it in 2012.

01:37:35.320 And then, I mean, it was just, it got so hard with our schedules, because the guys are traveling all the time, Brian and Chris.

01:37:42.760 Brian's on the west side, Chris doesn't want to leave his house.

01:37:45.880 And so, and we were recorded at my place.

01:37:48.580 And so, it would just, it just got harder and harder. 0.98

01:37:51.420 And then we'd kind of done it, like we did the shit out of what that is. 0.99

01:37:55.420 Right.

01:37:55.620 And then, so, you know, and Brian was doing Fighter and the Kid and was like busy all the time, and Chris too, obviously, just constantly on the road.

01:38:06.680 So, that was it?

01:38:07.400 Yeah, that was kind of it.

01:38:08.260 And so, I was like, I was like, well, why don't we just, you know, not, it was, you know, it was kind of like, I sort of, you know, it just got harder and harder to do.

01:38:19.520 So, and we always said to each other that, you know, we're friends, and we're doing this fun thing.

01:38:27.620 And as soon as it, if it's not working, it doesn't matter.

01:38:31.780 Like, we're buddies.

01:38:33.080 Right. 0.98

01:38:33.520 And so, the fucking podcast, with all due respect to the listeners, whom I love, we couldn't do it. 0.98

01:38:40.820 So, then I was doing it by myself for a while, and then two other buddies of mine joined in, and it became a very different thing. 0.98

01:38:47.200 Yeah.

01:38:47.440 With my good pals, Tommy and Chad, Tommy Blacha and Chad Colchin, who are both very funny writing producers.

01:38:52.760 Doesn't sound as good, though.

01:38:53.880 Do you think?

01:38:54.560 Very different.

01:38:55.160 Yeah.

01:38:55.740 And then we tried to diamond the audience down, and make the jokes all reference themselves, and kill our audience.

01:39:02.760 We lost thousands of listeners, of course, because Brian and Chris left, and then we tried to weed it down to where if you weren't listening to all the episodes, you'd be completely lost.

01:39:10.960 And then recently, we gave it to a listener.

01:39:13.440 The podcast?

01:39:14.100 Yeah.

01:39:14.320 Oh, wow, that's pretty cool.

01:39:15.080 It's quite a giveaway.

01:39:16.300 iTunes channel, all the social media.

01:39:19.360 Wow, that's pretty cool.

01:39:20.180 Gave it away.

01:39:20.700 And then he had to stop doing it, because he's a very busy man.

01:39:23.240 That's pretty cool, man.

01:39:24.200 And is there any chance?

01:39:25.200 Who was that?

01:39:26.220 And where is that now?

01:39:27.040 The feed?

01:39:27.580 Who's got control of it?

01:39:28.500 Nobody.

01:39:29.800 Yeah, Mark Evans was a guy. 1.00

01:39:31.100 He's an editor, like a news editor, a real dude, and does all sorts of shit. 0.98

01:39:35.620 Works at NBC. 0.99

01:39:36.740 Couldn't do it anymore.

01:39:37.760 Very busy.

01:39:38.280 And do you, is there any chance for a 10-minute podcast coming back?

01:39:42.680 No, I don't think so.

01:39:45.560 I mean, no, no.

01:39:46.880 Has there been any talk of it?

01:39:49.900 No, no.

01:39:51.040 Okay.

01:39:51.360 But it's only been since the summer.

01:39:53.440 It's done, I think.

01:39:54.940 What is this next video from?

01:39:56.340 This is Christmas and wrestling in one.

01:39:58.800 Oh, good.

01:39:59.100 We're at and the chief engineer of laughter and cheer, Cullen Beebe.

01:40:03.180 I'm from Sillsby, Texas.

01:40:05.480 I was just wondering, I know Sasso was a big fan of wrestling.

01:40:09.360 I was just wondering what y'all's thoughts were on when Stone Cold Steve Austin kicked Santa in the nuts

01:40:16.400 and then dropped him in the WWE. 0.76

01:40:20.080 Not sure if you remember that moment.

01:40:22.320 It was pretty awesome.

01:40:22.940 Maybe I'll put a link when I send this video in.

01:40:25.260 I just want to know what y'all's thoughts are on it.

01:40:27.080 Love both of you.

01:40:28.720 And, Theo, I voted for you for Guest of the Week on Fighter and the Kid,

01:40:32.320 even though I'm repping D'Elia's merch.

01:40:35.780 Love y'all.

01:40:36.220 It's a free conch, man.

01:40:36.940 You can vote for whoever you want.

01:40:38.140 See? 1.00

01:40:38.860 You turned that fucking dude. 1.00

01:40:40.120 He's wearing D'Elia merch, and he fucking voted for you. 1.00

01:40:43.380 It was nice of him. 0.98

01:40:44.080 That's very sweet.

01:40:44.920 Well, I think, yeah, I haven't really put out there for people to go vote.

01:40:48.260 Like, I think it's, you know, it's the fans of that show.

01:40:50.540 So I'm not publicizing, like, I'm not telling, like, people go vote.

01:40:54.300 It's the listeners.

01:40:55.820 It's their thing, you know?

01:40:57.140 It's their thing.

01:40:58.000 It's been an honor to have the strap for a year.

01:40:59.920 It's a sweet strap, and it's a cool thing for, you're right, their show.

01:41:06.280 And it's a wonderful thing to get their listeners involved.

01:41:09.380 And any time I get to do the show, I enjoy their listenership.

01:41:13.440 It's a good group of people, and they're very engaged.

01:41:15.980 Now, with all due respect to Brendan, and with all due disrespect to Brian Callen.

01:41:21.540 Oh, definitely. 1.00

01:41:22.020 I don't give a fuck who wins person of the fucking year, whatever, on their goddamn podcast. 0.99

01:41:32.240 Now, again, with all due respect to Brendan, but what do you think of that, Brian? 1.00

01:41:37.860 I'm going to ask him personally. 0.99

01:41:40.240 I don't give a shit. 1.00

01:41:41.800 Yeah. 1.00

01:41:43.080 Well, if you don't give a fuck. 0.99

01:41:45.380 Well, dude, if you don't have a chance to win, you usually don't care. 0.99

01:41:47.480 That's what I've noticed.

01:41:48.300 Hey, wait a minute.

01:41:49.340 But I'm just saying that.

01:41:50.340 Wait, now, hold on a second.

01:41:52.260 And all due respect.

01:41:53.260 No, I think you could win, and I think it'll be out of you or Delia.

01:41:57.700 I wouldn't be surprised if you won.

01:41:58.800 No, no, no. 1.00

01:41:59.120 This other kid, this fucking Red Lightning or whatever that kid's name is, fucking Cinnamon 0.99

01:42:03.120 Randy or whatever, coming out of nowhere, acting like he's got a shot. 0.99

01:42:06.780 That's bizarre.

01:42:07.680 Yeah, I think Blood Benny might have a shot.

01:42:11.900 Whatever that kid's name is, dude. 0.99

01:42:13.440 Fucking Roy G. Biff or whatever that dude's name is. 1.00

01:42:15.940 Fuck him. 1.00

01:42:16.580 Jimmy Cinnaburst or whatever the fuck. 1.00

01:42:18.220 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

01:42:19.700 Come on with that. 1.00

01:42:20.020 The little fucking Clifford the Big Red fucking creep. 1.00

01:42:23.620 Get the hell out of here, dude. 1.00

01:42:25.820 Yeah.

01:42:26.040 That guy shows up out of nowhere with a couple of, he says he has, you know, freckles.

01:42:30.320 I'm saying, you know, small herpes.

01:42:32.060 Yeah.

01:42:32.320 And he's acting like, you know, he's going to win it all, dude. 0.99

01:42:35.280 Kenneth Strawberry or whatever the fuck. 1.00

01:42:36.780 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

01:42:37.960 Yeah. 0.99

01:42:38.340 Right. 0.99

01:42:39.180 Little fucking Marcus Raspberry over there. 0.99

01:42:41.920 Little Marcus Raspberry. 1.00

01:42:43.900 Out here with his fucking gingivitis, dude. 1.00

01:42:46.840 Oh, fucking. 1.00

01:42:47.820 His skin is almost giving out, bro. 1.00

01:42:49.560 A lot of gingers, their skin gives out early. 1.00

01:42:51.380 By 40, you've just barely, you know, if you don't tie your arms by the side of your body 0.99

01:42:55.680 at night, your fucking whole body will fall apart. 0.99

01:42:57.440 Gingers are falling apart, man. 1.00

01:43:00.080 He needs a fucking, he needs some fucking gas station dick pill. 1.00

01:43:03.160 He needs some caulking. 1.00

01:43:04.360 Keep his appendages straight. 1.00

01:43:05.420 You better caulk that fucking little ginger together, son. 1.00

01:43:08.280 He's got a shot. 1.00

01:43:09.200 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

01:43:10.340 Dude, you don't have a fucking shot. 1.00

01:43:12.860 Yeah. 1.00

01:43:13.220 Fucking, uh, fucking Jeffrey Indian summer. 1.00

01:43:17.220 Dude, somebody said who should be guest of the year. 1.00

01:43:19.460 It should be Brian Callen.

01:43:20.840 I thought that was the funniest thing ever. 0.98

01:43:21.940 That's fucking hilarious. 0.99

01:43:24.260 That's fucking hilarious. 0.99

01:43:26.320 No, you know, yeah, I think, I think Chris has got it. 0.90

01:43:29.420 And that's not, and I'm not, and you know, I don't say that to disparage you, the current

01:43:33.560 champion, or Chris, the future champion. 0.99

01:43:36.420 I'm just saying, fuck Brian. 1.00

01:43:38.500 Yeah. 1.00

01:43:39.540 Fuck Brian and his outfit. 1.00

01:43:41.480 Yeah, dude. 1.00

01:43:42.160 And what kind of clothes?

01:43:42.860 He's also dressing very, very European recently.

01:43:46.100 He's, he's, yeah, he always wears tight sweaters and shoes that you don't recognize.

01:43:51.000 Yeah, what is that?

01:43:52.380 Somebody make those?

01:43:53.400 What?

01:43:53.760 I mean, look.

01:43:54.500 He got them at Ikea.

01:43:55.460 It's always like he's making them somewhere. 0.99

01:43:57.000 When I'm 51, I'm going to look like a fucking homeless alcoholic, just based on what I wear 0.99

01:44:02.980 now. 0.99

01:44:03.340 So I better get, step my fashion up, because a sweaty arm fucking hoodie sweatshirt is 0.98

01:44:09.080 not, is not doing it at 51. 0.98

01:44:10.820 No, and the cold sweat, too.

01:44:12.380 Very alarming.

01:44:13.160 You got to live in a castle, too, at your size. 1.00

01:44:15.060 If you're not living in a castle, you look like a fucking weirdo. 1.00

01:44:17.240 Yeah, you look like a fucking weirdo walking out of an apartment. 1.00

01:44:19.300 Dude, I can't walk into a two or three bedroom apartment and you're living in there, dude. 1.00

01:44:22.600 You better have a moat around you or it's a wrap.

01:44:24.740 Yeah, I got, I got some, well, I got, yeah, I got a drawbridge, but no moat at my house.

01:44:29.220 Yeah, you better tighten up and get a big, you know, stick or something or a hatchet or

01:44:32.920 something. 0.99

01:44:33.060 A scepter or some shit. 0.99

01:44:34.420 I'd rather be outdoors and it's either castle or outdoors at your size. 1.00

01:44:37.720 You can't be running around in a fucking, you know, off of Barrington. 0.99

01:44:41.040 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

01:44:41.860 I got a wood crown carved from one stump.

01:44:44.100 Oh, definitely. 0.99

01:44:44.860 It's heavy as shit. 1.00

01:44:45.960 Yeah. 0.99

01:44:46.440 But I live outdoors.

01:44:47.560 And you need to get a bird or something or a strong animal that can also spend time around

01:44:51.460 you, yes. 0.99

01:44:51.940 Yeah, that you can send to fucking like take out wolves and shit like the Mongolians do. 1.00

01:44:56.600 Or to pick up a little bit of pokey across the street. 1.00

01:44:58.900 Yeah.

01:44:59.040 You know what I'm saying?

01:44:59.600 That'd be great.

01:45:00.460 That'd be good to get like a golden eagle that can get some pokey from me from, yeah.

01:45:05.880 Glendale pokey or, I don't live in Glendale.

01:45:07.940 Why hasn't Bobby Lee changed in 20 years?

01:45:10.980 Oh, yeah.

01:45:11.640 He looks exactly the same.

01:45:13.760 Yeah.

01:45:14.180 He pretty much does look exactly the same.

01:45:16.240 Well, I think we can, uh...

01:45:18.620 Cool, cool, well down.

01:45:20.140 Were these Santa glasses?

01:45:21.800 Yeah.

01:45:22.340 Yeah.

01:45:23.720 Maybe this would work for my stand-up character.

01:45:25.780 Oh, wow.

01:45:26.400 I liked it.

01:45:27.480 Dude, what if you're a guy that looks like Santa but isn't Santa? 0.99

01:45:31.180 My fucking buddy, my buddy Tommy Blotcher, the aforementioned Tommy Blotcher, who we 0.99

01:45:35.640 were talking about, he goes, you know what would be fucking hilarious? 0.99

01:45:37.840 Do a Christmas special and dress up like Santa but then the voice is just Hulk Hogan and 0.96

01:45:42.100 never explain it.

01:45:43.880 Yeah.

01:45:44.280 Because I think people's brains work like that.

01:45:46.300 Like, oh, here's something I'm familiar with.

01:45:48.540 Oh, yeah.

01:45:48.760 You know what I mean?

01:45:49.120 From like the 80s.

01:45:50.120 Yeah.

01:45:50.360 And do like, do Hulk but then, but you just look like Santa.

01:45:54.340 And not like being funny with like the mustache.

01:45:56.840 Yeah.

01:45:57.080 Just dress like Santa and then just do Hulk Hogan's voice.

01:46:03.420 Got any more videos or is that it?

01:46:04.860 Merry Christmas?

01:46:05.540 Any more videos?

01:46:06.800 We should do a Christmas song, I feel like.

01:46:08.640 I don't know which one we should do.

01:46:10.740 You guys sing or repeat? 1.00

01:46:11.800 Oh, shit. 1.00

01:46:12.460 I think we could sing something. 1.00

01:46:14.780 Maybe we'll go back and forth and do some verses.

01:46:17.160 What's a good one that we could riff on?

01:46:18.700 Like Silver Bills?

01:46:19.480 Do you know, do they know it's Christmas?

01:46:21.320 Do they know it's Christmas?

01:46:23.320 Is that for handicapped people?

01:46:24.700 No, it was Band-Aid.

01:46:26.040 It was part of the Live Aid.

01:46:29.420 Bob Geldof's Live Aid, Feed the World.

01:46:31.580 Nah. 1.00

01:46:32.100 People don't know that shit. 1.00

01:46:33.180 That's my favorite Christmas song. 1.00

01:46:36.580 That was the beginning of Final Countdown.

01:46:40.140 Can we play it and have it, Nick, on this?

01:46:42.240 It will be okay or will they shut us down?

01:46:43.780 I think this will be fine.

01:46:44.660 Oh, that's...

01:46:46.320 This is the karaoke version?

01:46:48.560 Yeah, sing. 1.00

01:46:49.200 But you don't know the tune.

01:46:51.320 I can hear the tune in these headphones. 1.00

01:46:53.060 It's going to be a fucking train wreck. 0.99

01:46:54.580 And it's also 12 minutes long. 1.00

01:46:57.200 And in a world of plenty.

01:46:59.640 Yeah, you're right.

01:47:00.420 Okay, pick something else.

01:47:03.400 Let's do just a little bit of improv on one of these and we'll shut it down.

01:47:06.960 Because it's the holidays, you know?

01:47:08.220 This is Christmas for people.

01:47:09.780 This will be out on Christmas morning.

01:47:11.120 Yeah.

01:47:11.480 Some people, yeah.

01:47:13.100 Again...

01:47:13.540 Nah, everyone.

01:47:14.460 Speaking of the 10-Minute Podcast, we used to do Christmas stuff all the time.

01:47:17.120 You'd sing songs around Christmas.

01:47:19.040 And people end up...

01:47:20.040 They would tell me, we played that on Christmas around the family.

01:47:22.800 Some family will be watching this, dude.

01:47:24.340 Some Silent Night.

01:47:25.380 Yeah.

01:47:28.360 Silent Night, boy.

01:47:30.920 This is Silver Bells by the London Symphony Orchestra.

01:47:33.220 Oh, this is a good one.

01:47:34.180 You like this one?

01:47:35.340 Yeah.

01:47:35.920 Okay.

01:47:36.840 Are they going to have the lyrics?

01:47:37.560 No, they aren't.

01:47:38.800 Okay.

01:47:39.100 Do one with the lyrics, like karaoke lyrics.

01:47:42.220 Silver Bells.

01:47:45.040 There we go.

01:47:45.680 There we go.

01:47:48.640 Oh, this looks good, huh?

01:47:50.500 Traditional.

01:47:51.460 I gotta go to therapy in and out.

01:47:52.640 Guys, it's a key of F and a key change to G later.

01:47:58.240 You want to start?

01:47:59.140 You start. 1.00

01:48:01.220 City sidewalks, you cocksucker. 1.00

01:48:03.400 Busy sidewalks, you fuck. 1.00

01:48:05.700 Dressed in holiday style, you motherfucker, you. 1.00

01:48:09.120 In the air, there's a feeling of Christmas. 1.00

01:48:12.040 Dick Stain Donald, you fuck you. 1.00

01:48:15.680 Children laughing, people passing, da, da, da, after smile, and on every straight corner, 1.00

01:48:27.280 you hit it.

01:48:28.500 I got that. 1.00

01:48:33.140 Silver Bells, you cocksucker. 1.00

01:48:35.580 B-D-E. 1.00

01:48:37.220 Silver Bells, you fuck you, Dick Stain. 1.00

01:48:40.680 I got scummy hoes eggs. 1.00

01:48:42.700 In the city, look out for the fucking taxi cab. 1.00

01:48:47.180 It's right in front of you, you stupid cocksucker, you. 1.00

01:48:50.200 Oh, I'm a ginger. 1.00

01:48:51.260 I don't even know anything. 0.98

01:48:53.580 You ding-a-ling, Dick Stain Donald. 1.00

01:48:55.900 You didn't go to the fucking Paris Accord or the fucking Climate Change Accord. 1.00

01:49:01.260 You fucking pulled out of that and you tell the fucking UN where to stick it, you Dick Stain Donald, you. 1.00

01:49:06.860 Tell him where you're going to be at, Bri. 1.00

01:49:09.440 Well, I'll be in Appleton, Wisconsin at the hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit.

01:49:15.660 Almost sold out.

01:49:16.720 I'm going to release some of my special tickets.

01:49:18.300 Black Rightful Coffee, B-D-E.

01:49:20.200 Look at my shoes. 1.00

01:49:20.980 I'm fucking crazy. 1.00

01:49:22.460 Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip. 1.00

01:49:24.280 Hit a snow crunch. 1.00

01:49:25.600 See the kids bunched into Santa's big scene, you cocksucker, you. 1.00

01:49:30.500 That was great. 1.00

01:49:41.380 Silver bells.

01:49:42.440 Oh, it's still.

01:49:44.400 Silver bells. 1.00

01:49:48.060 It's Christmas time in the city, you fuck you. 1.00

01:49:51.600 You fuck. 1.00

01:49:52.940 You motherfucker. 1.00

01:49:55.860 Hey. 1.00

01:49:56.560 Ring-a-ling.

01:49:57.620 Hear them ring.

01:49:58.360 Hear them ring.

01:49:58.840 Soon it'll be Christmas Day. 1.00

01:50:00.280 You're going to fall off the table, you fat bastard. 1.00

01:50:03.280 Ivanka's fine as fuck, bro. 1.00

01:50:05.520 Look at this fucking kid. 1.00

01:50:07.200 He's trying to jump through the fucking table and do a fucking shotgun of fucking beer. 1.00

01:50:12.640 Are you fucking crazy? 1.00

01:50:14.120 Yeah. 1.00

01:50:14.420 I'm Tony Henscliffe, and I weighed 11 pounds.

01:50:20.500 Couldn't make a dent.

01:50:23.420 That was lovely.

01:50:24.640 That was the.

01:50:25.180 That was the.

01:50:26.300 We did the T-Fat K guest of the year Christmas carol.

01:50:31.860 And was that Dolly Parton?

01:50:32.960 Who was that?

01:50:33.440 That's a beautiful song.

01:50:35.000 I am sure Dolly covered it.

01:50:36.680 I know.

01:50:37.980 Dude, I want to learn more about that character sometime if you feel like ever telling me about it.

01:50:41.480 Oh, please, man.

01:50:42.540 I might just hit you up and call you at like two or three in the morning and add some layers to it and just go, hey, Theo, Theo.

01:50:49.680 I was thinking instead of like a short brown wig, what a like, like a sandy brown, like sort of, or maybe some gray sides because I got some gray in my beard.

01:50:58.100 What do you think?

01:50:58.600 Just get back to me.

01:50:59.720 Yeah. 0.97

01:51:00.020 Oh, it's fucking so hot. 0.98

01:51:02.880 And it's not even hot. 0.99

01:51:03.920 That's the crazy part.

01:51:06.100 From the North Pole, this is the last podcast.

01:51:10.520 Will the Stroke Sasso.

01:51:12.640 It's too hot.

01:51:14.920 That's what they say.

01:51:16.080 He can't even feel one of his arms and he hears a choo-choo train coming. 0.99

01:51:19.120 Those are some warning signs, I think.

01:51:20.840 Yeah.

01:51:21.340 Do you smell bacon?

01:51:23.340 I'm smelling like, or I hear sizzling and I smell something meaty.

01:51:28.140 Is that a bad sign?

01:51:29.160 Oh, yeah.

01:51:31.920 Merry Christmas from all of us, from Nick.

01:51:35.720 Merry Christmas.

01:51:37.740 Gianni.

01:51:38.720 Merry Christmas.

01:51:39.800 That's Gianni's in the background.

01:51:41.260 He's an intern, unpaid intern.

01:51:44.300 And there's Will. 0.59

01:51:45.820 Look at that on those sex pills, breaking the card. 1.00

01:51:47.800 Oh, fuck. 1.00

01:51:49.480 I'm fucking, I'm all right. 1.00

01:51:50.840 All right. 0.98

01:51:51.160 Merry Christmas, everybody.

01:51:52.640 Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

01:51:55.980 Will Sasso, ladies and gentlemen.

01:51:57.340 Silver bells.

01:51:59.340 Silver bells.

01:52:00.420 Silver bells.

01:52:00.480 Silver bells.

01:52:12.480 Ring of ring.

01:52:16.100 Hear them ring.

01:52:19.900 Soon it will be Christmas day.

01:52:24.840 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be

01:52:34.020 sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure

01:52:38.880 your partner.

01:52:40.160 The answer may shock you.

01:52:41.860 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

01:52:43.940 Sometimes I won't.

01:52:44.800 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

01:52:48.540 You have three new voice messages.

01:52:51.620 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

01:52:54.480 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.

01:52:57.160 Longer than anybody else.

01:52:58.820 So great.

01:53:00.140 Hi.

01:53:00.780 Sweetie.

01:53:01.740 Here's a deal. 1.00

01:53:03.120 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. 1.00

01:53:07.060 Jermaine. 0.99

01:53:07.640 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

01:53:12.140 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

01:53:14.220 Oh, no.

01:53:16.540 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

01:53:18.940 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:53:23.100 Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:53:27.320 Third rule.

01:53:28.300 Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.

01:53:30.980 Or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

01:53:33.100 And yes, don't worry.

01:53:34.160 My Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - December 20, 2018

Christmas Spectacular with Will Sasso ｜ This Past Weekend #158

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Transcript