Christmas Spectacular with Will Sasso ｜ This Past Weekend #158
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 53 minutes
Words per Minute
199.1221
Hate Speech Sentences
112
Summary
Will Sasso is a man who is swollen with joy. He s probably one of the top 200 men in the entire world, and he s a guy you may know as "Mad TV's Mr. Sasso." He s also a guy who s known time and time again as "The Honky Donk" on Mad TV. And he s also known as one of my favorite people on the planet.
Transcript
00:00:00.100
Today's episode is brought to you by one of my favorite places to be on earth, and that's Gray Block Pizza.
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You know, I liked being, when I was young, I liked being in Louisiana, and as an adult, I liked being in Gray Block.
00:00:10.460
And you can go to Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard, on the way to the beach, in Los Angeles.
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Welp, it's still me, and I got something to say to you guys.
00:00:25.260
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Today's episode features a man who is swollen with joy.
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A man who's probably, when you think about men, probably one of the top, maybe 9,000 men on planet Earth, I bet.
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You may know him just from, you know, people love this guy.
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You know, he's kind of the, he's that South Pole Santa.
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And he's known time after time from different podcasts.
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This is, no joke, the first time he and I have ever really had a conversation.
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We've just seen each other in the hallway sometimes.
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And you've got to see him in the hallway because you've got to go around him.
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I mean, really, it's his hallway, and I'm just kind of waiting at the corner for him to pass so I can go down it.
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Ladies and gentlemen, one of the top 9,000 men, I think I said.
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Big Whitey himself, that honky-donk, Mr. Will Sasso.
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So this is a safe space to say Merry Christmas.
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Fuck people telling me you have to say happy holidays.
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I say Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, because that's kind of what most people are.
00:03:26.160
I don't give a fuck if you have blonde hair and a little, and a tiny little face.
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When I was growing up, not a lot of people could read like they can now.
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So you had to, you know, you couldn't really send a lot of Christmas cards.
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You had to tell people, you had to, you know, tell them to their face.
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Like in our area, we didn't really grow up like in the, you know, reading area, I guess,
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I grew up in like kind of like a side, like the-
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And we had, I mean, I remember one of our teachers tried to only teach us, they only
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One of the probably top 200 or 300 men in America, maybe.
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I made the, well, this past year I was in the, just edged out of the top 200, but I
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And who do people, a lot of times, who beats you out for that?
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Like, is there a guy you're always neck and neck with?
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There's a guy named, well, there's a guy named Dale Fuzz who lives in Kentucky.
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Sometimes the bus drivers will get that horn, the horn from a rig, you know, put in the bus.
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Or if you're, if in Dale's case, he has one of those, just this sort of thing.
00:04:56.920
So he can work this arm because he's also the high school football coach.
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I'm always fighting for that 200 in men's magazine.
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Do you, how, cause you're kind of a bigger guy if I look at it.
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If I'm reading your name, it seems like, oh, he could be any size.
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I'm getting ready for the, for, I'm playing the, I'm in the Dale Fuzz story.
00:06:04.240
Gary Buscemi, who finally gets a role after all these years, you know, being in the shadow
00:06:12.480
So it's going to be a good, it's going to be a good flick.
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Is there a movie that you wanted to be in that you were, that you, that you weren't in?
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I probably would have, well, I was a little, maybe it was a little before my time, but
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I kind of, I like to, I like, you know, I'll watch Apocalypse Now and think that Marlon
00:06:32.100
Brando was pretty good in that role, but I could probably get a, I don't know, it would
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It wasn't one of my favorite shows, but I could always watch it.
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The past, the first like 25 years of that show were good.
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The past 17, 18 years of that show haven't been as good as the first quarter century.
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And the other fellow is Jerry Van Dyke, Dick Van Dyke's brother.
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I met Dick Van Dyke at the comedy store one night.
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I follow him or his wife on Instagram or Twitter.
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And I mean that to say he doesn't post, but his wife posts shit of him.
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You know, if you think of the old Dick Van Dyke show.
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And he's like, and she just shoots little videos of him like dancing and cracking jokes.
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And I'm sure he could probably, you know, he probably does very well with the ladies.
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If you had to pick six things, dude, because I don't want to be mean to them.
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Let me just say right now, I'm keeping the sand hat on, but it's hot as fuck in here.
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Well, we had a guy in here who had Tourette's Syndrome, and-
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If I learned a thing or two about wearing clothes-
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So you've probably got a lot of heat hibernating now.
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What temperatures does your body run at, you think?
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Have you ever taken a steak and done a sous vide on a steak?
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Well, it's basically just preheating the fats and the meats together.
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You put it in a sous vide bag, and you can even get a special sous vide pot, and then
00:09:21.260
you hang the little steak over in there, and it just sort of, essentially, when you take
00:09:29.900
So then the inside, so you don't have a steak that, the inside's cold, but you're outside.
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I mean, if you're me, you like it Chicago or Pittsburgh style.
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I like it Pittsburgh style, a little bit of pink eye on the edge.
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Yep, that pink eye, that ripple, that balloon knot inside.
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So if you do the sous vide, and then you throw it on the grill or in your pan, and so the
00:09:49.380
outside's all, so a sous vide is about 180 degrees Fahrenheit, maybe 181.
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So, yeah, I can just, like, you know, sit, I'll sit, I can just put a steak between my
00:10:08.160
Let's think of, well, what's wrong with Brian, um...
00:10:14.860
Brian's strong for a little guy, for like an older guy.
00:10:17.440
Yeah, he is, he's a very strong 63-year-old man.
00:10:22.960
Dude, he has to be worrying about existence, you know?
00:10:28.280
I'm 43 years old, and I have those sort of things where I'm like, oh, I'm staring at
00:10:32.340
mortality going, I literally shouldn't eat that.
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Because I could go to sleep and not wake up again.
00:10:40.320
And what are, like, what kind of items are those that you're, you know, that you have,
00:10:43.240
like, you know, you're having those, you know, kind of dining fears of?
00:10:46.200
Well, if I have, like, you know, some of my pals over, we're just going to hang out,
00:10:54.080
I'll look at that, you know, third or fourth slice of pizza, and that'll be the, that'll
00:11:02.800
Does it feel weird walking over to a pizza box for the fifth slice?
00:11:06.240
Does it feel weird walking over to the pizza box for a fifth?
00:11:08.760
No, I think if you're, I think once you get past three, then you're not worried about
00:11:12.420
your own, if you're worried, if you think about your own mortality in pizza, then every
00:11:19.680
Yeah, but then your friends leave, and there's one or two slices left.
00:11:30.860
They're pizza-ignoring motherfuckers, just like you.
00:11:35.820
I bet you're one of those motherfuckers that has, like, a pizza box in their fridge.
00:11:43.920
Ah, that shit's been in there a week, and you didn't eat it?
00:11:54.560
No, we don't really know each other, and it's awesome to be here, to actually...
00:11:59.960
Actually, your audience is witnessing the most that we've spoken together as far as this goes.
00:12:06.940
And once we're finished, this will be, like, a thousand percent more than we've ever spoken to each other.
00:12:11.980
We've really only seen each other through Brendan and Brian over here and Chris.
00:12:18.560
Yeah, I was, you know, just acting on, you know, stuff.
00:12:30.040
Because some people get into, you know, comedy, they're class clowns.
00:12:32.420
Some people, you know, they're writers and they think of it.
00:12:34.940
Some people, you know, come at it from more of, like, a creative space.
00:12:47.220
I would just verbally say something like, you know...
00:12:52.020
Like, the teacher one time was like, my mom died, you know?
00:12:57.200
But I would never get up and, like, you know, juggle or show my asshole or like that.
00:13:07.940
I mean, I've got some years on you, but generationally speaking, when we were younger, it was okay
00:13:12.920
to get up, stand on your desk and show your asshole to everybody.
00:13:17.020
Now you're gonna have problems because it's just a much more piece of...
00:13:19.560
Well, we had a dude, Mr. Patrick, he would give you 20, 40 bucks.
00:13:23.620
He'd walk about 60 feet from you, show you his asshole.
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As long as you looked at it, you kept the money.
00:13:45.500
He'd kind of look back once to make sure you were locked in, dude.
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I didn't like watching him take his belt off, but I didn't mind seeing his asshole from far away.
00:14:07.780
But a guy showing his asshole from 60 feet away...
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It'd be kind of hard to fuck with that in court.
00:14:27.640
Dude, we had a dude, I remember, in the woods, and we thought he was a...
00:14:38.840
And finally, we're like, oh, this dude's just looking at everybody's ass through the windows and tits at night.
00:14:43.200
Like, this dude's just out here hunting single mom fucking nipple at night.
00:14:46.580
Yeah, if you had a camera on him late at night, you'd see him prying his asshole open to no one.
00:14:55.400
See, I grew up in a small town outside Vancouver.
00:15:02.120
And it was kind of a country-ass town called Ladner.
00:15:04.860
Beautiful place, surrounded by like, there's the water on this side from the Fraser River, and then it's just all farmland.
00:15:21.800
Because, you know, it's a river, so there's all...
00:15:24.840
That's how I got pink eye out there in Pittsburgh.
00:15:36.300
He got a blowjob in an abandoned swimming pool on the south side, in an empty swimming pool.
00:15:43.660
I would have loved if that story just ended with, my buddy got a blowjob.
00:15:48.940
So, yeah, Ladner was this sort of country town, and there was a pedophile.
00:15:57.200
And it was in Harbor Park, where there was a bunch of just feral bunnies and rabbits and
00:16:03.880
And he was in there in a tent, you know, as the lore dictated.
00:16:09.500
And if you went in there and got molested, it was your fault, because there was one guy,
00:16:12.520
and he was in this fucking, don't go in Harbor Park, towards sunset, you know.
00:16:18.480
That's where it's all happening, because it was a more innocent time.
00:16:21.180
And I'll tell you right now, I can't think of anything off the top of my head, but if
00:16:23.860
a teacher or, you know, an educator of any kind pried his asshole open from 60 feet away
00:16:29.580
in Ladner, British Columbia in the 1980s, early 90s, I don't think anyone would have
00:16:39.080
Or is it just people who want to be like, oh, you know, look at this evil person.
00:16:46.680
That's sort of, that's, you know, that's what's going on today.
00:16:49.980
We had a dude who used to give you, he had like, just, he'd always have raisins
00:16:53.780
in his pockets, individual raisins, and he'd give you a couple of them.
00:16:56.640
We had a dude, my dad had a friend, and he'd put cinnamon on the fucking palm of his hand
00:17:03.260
And this was probably, and one of his feet was longer than the other one.
00:17:15.220
Well, black people are always trying to show off, you know, but he had like a, no.
00:17:22.820
Oh, I thought you meant he had like two feet stacked, like a sandwich.
00:17:50.240
Yeah, I mean, we had regular people around there, but my dad had this dude, this guy,
00:17:54.560
and he would just pay him to kind of stand around us sometimes, and he, yeah, he always
00:18:02.560
And this when I was young, now there's cinnamon anywhere.
00:18:06.020
There's fucking, you know, you could beat the cinnamon out of a fucking Korean if you
00:18:17.140
Everybody's keeping secrets, and a lot of people kind of, I would imagine a lot of people,
00:18:20.600
a lot of your viewers and listeners, you know, kind of go like, well, what is the, you
00:18:26.260
Because they think, like, it doesn't matter how people like you or me come across people.
00:18:34.640
And that's what I have to say to your audience, especially the young people out there.
00:18:37.640
If you beat the fuck out of someone hard enough, you'll get that cinnamon.
00:18:41.620
And that could be, I could be speaking in metaphor, or we could be speaking quite literally
00:18:47.180
about, you know, your friend with the cinnamon in the palm.
00:18:50.560
I mean, we could be talking, I'm talking spice work.
00:18:56.100
But look, dude, I've always been really fond of Canadians, and they've grown on me over
00:19:00.420
And I wouldn't mind, in the next life, or if things get a little hairy here, a little
00:19:04.760
more hairy in the U.S., I could move up to Canada.
00:19:06.840
I know a lot of people that are talking about it.
00:19:17.100
Yeah, I never thought you would be Canadian, man.
00:19:18.760
You seem like a guy that wouldn't be Canadian, but now I'm not surprised what you did tell
00:19:22.000
What is it about me that you think is Canadian?
00:19:24.940
You just seem a little more kindred than an American.
00:19:28.360
You seem to have more of a good nature, more of like at peace with yourself a little bit
00:19:33.980
Americans seem a lot more like just volatile and unsettled, you know?
00:19:40.660
People usually say, are you Canadian or from Chicago?
00:19:45.600
People think I'm from Chicago because I'm a bigger fella and I'm in comedy.
00:19:50.840
I mean, look at this guy right here out of Wisconsin.
00:20:00.220
I could drink like a piece of shit with my buddies, you know, growing up.
00:20:04.260
I actually haven't had a drink in a long time, but I just recently, about a year ago, reintroduced
00:20:15.140
But I never, now I know that you've gone through the-
00:20:22.540
As a matter of fact, I got there just kind of, you know, I never really, it wasn't something
00:20:31.100
So it wasn't like, oh, I need to stop this for, you know, any of the reasons that, you
00:20:47.980
It's a drug that's so socially accepted because, I mean, you know, whatever.
00:20:55.480
I'm starting to think a little bit of it's old fashioned, especially nowadays.
00:20:59.040
I see everybody is using mushrooms, magic mushrooms.
00:21:04.320
Or, you know, whatever, you know, the shit that comes from the earth and whatever your opinion
00:21:08.120
is on that, you know, there, you know, certainly things like marijuana or, you know,
00:21:12.220
I've never done mushrooms or anything, but it's like the shit comes from the earth.
00:21:16.320
And you think about like alcohol goes through this, all this different process, whether
00:21:21.180
Denver, half of it goes through Denver, you know, half of it goes through Milwaukee.
00:21:28.120
And then you have like Scott Elliott going, Coors, the banquet beer, because it's the water
00:21:34.500
All that Coors has to go through Colorado, the Rocky Mountain.
00:22:02.280
See, that's, I'm doing a perfect Scott Elliott.
00:22:11.800
Dude, what if somebody got their finger cut off and just put, installed right there?
00:22:19.840
You just go into a lab and have your finger cut off and sewn to your thing.
00:23:01.440
Even though we've only known each other through this podcast, it's immediately weird when you
00:23:21.640
I did show those children my asshole, but I was 60 feet away.
00:23:34.940
Oh, dude, we used to have a lot of gays would meet up behind a rest area bar in our town,
00:23:39.920
Because I grew up across a river from a rest area.
00:23:42.680
And not if they have a rest area in Canada, a rest area in America, it's where you stop
00:23:51.860
It's basically, it's like a halfway house, but it's unincorporated, you know?
00:23:57.700
They had a lot of the gay, you know, homoerotic men, sorry, would meet up behind there and
00:24:04.320
Not even necessarily homosexual, just homoerotic.
00:24:10.880
He gets a bunch of those, like, Spanish Fly or fucking Stay Up All Night baggies at the
00:24:15.720
And then pretty soon, Fuzz is like, you know, and-
00:24:19.060
Dude, I met a girl in Miami over by Joe's Crab Shack and bought nine of those gas station,
00:24:24.460
This is when they first came out, bro, couldn't fucking-
00:24:37.500
And I would go through each one and try to bend them.
00:24:43.740
I don't know how much, you know, how much blood I lost that night, but-
00:24:47.120
But anyway, but that was the first time I ever had Snow Crab, I remember that.
00:24:52.120
Yeah, it's a good thing you remember that, even though your brain was
00:24:54.300
bleeding, that you hung on to that lovely memory.
00:24:57.180
But they had one time, me and my buddy go in the woods, me and my buddy Jeremy, we go
00:25:00.660
in the woods, and they had two dudes out there shooting potatoes with one of those slingshots
00:25:07.200
If gay guys would get together and start making out.
00:25:09.820
If they were on drugs, if they're just gay guys meeting up, having a picnic, that's
00:25:17.320
Because they'd have like a little Christmas, a little picnic?
00:25:22.200
They could just tell if they were two dudes on fucking methamphetamines who wouldn't normally-
00:25:28.320
So basically, they felt like they were doing an anti-homoerotic service by saying, you
00:25:40.600
Now, it would have been funny, I think, if they'd have done sweet potatoes, you know,
00:25:43.300
because I think that would have kind of added like a cute thing to it.
00:25:45.820
Yeah, because then the guy would get hit in the eye and go, what the fuck?
00:25:50.560
But I think they wanted to prevent sexually transmitted diseases.
00:25:58.600
You infect everybody with your disease, and then you roll on.
00:26:07.760
You got a bunch of herpes, you know, spotted up Tyson cutlets, and you're rolling out
00:26:12.600
Yeah, you're doing 95 miles an hour with 6,000 pounds of fucking chicken.
00:26:23.100
We're here with these fucking potatoes, because we got a bunch of these in a field behind us.
00:26:26.520
You ain't coming locally, brother, on our watch, you know?
00:26:31.540
I don't know what we're talking about, but yeah, it was just a different time.
00:26:36.400
It was like, you know, people could enjoy themselves a little more.
00:26:43.160
I mean, you look at how things are changing exponentially.
00:26:46.820
Every time I read a story, every time I sort of get into it, into the, you know, whatever.
00:26:51.660
There's so many manner of things that are changing rapidly, and we're two white dudes.
00:26:56.340
So when you kind of go like, oh, well, here's what's going on, you know, socially, whether it's a regional thing, like what happens here in California, whether it's a gender thing, which is, you know, all over the country and most parts of the Western world, what's changing and how fast it's changing.
00:27:14.900
I can't even believe, but you'll see some things now that you go like, that was 2016, and you feel like so much has changed.
00:27:22.720
So I'm curious, you know, as a stand-up, does that, because I was listening to something with like, anyway, well, I'll ask you, because I was listening, I was watching this thing on YouTube and some stand-ups were talking about it.
00:27:36.660
You know, I think I looked at an old set from like eight years ago or something, I was on Comedy Central, and I don't think, I felt weird about having it up still.
00:27:47.060
But I also noticed that like, like I'll go on things like JK News, if you've been on their show.
00:27:53.020
It's a good show, and they're all diversity and fucking, who knows, bro, it's so mixed over there, you can't even, you know, it's basically, you might as well be in a war 50 years ago, you know, everybody's, it's pretty diverse.
00:28:04.740
So anyway, you're over there, and they talk about all the funnest stuff.
00:28:13.740
It's only Hollywood, and these are LA people, these are Latinos.
00:28:25.640
It's only when I get into like this side of the tracks, wherever, in Hollywood side.
00:28:31.880
I mean, I'm not the first to say this, but you know, it is a lot of fucking white guilt.
00:28:39.280
There's a lot of white, just white people are people who are of the, I don't even know what you would, I don't even know how you would label the culture outside of saying just PC, or you could say like, you know, lefty or whatever the fuck you want to say.
00:28:54.220
Hollywood, left, whatever, that are, you know, that are mostly changing that.
00:28:58.700
But when you think about just being able to cut loose, regardless of what line you're on, what side of the line you're on, it feels like, I mean, when I got here to LA, it was like, there was no fucking problem.
00:29:18.460
I was, you know, like a young dude and I showed up, I'm like, can we, can we say that?
00:29:22.200
And, you know, and then pretty soon you get your feet wet and you're like, what about this?
00:29:25.900
And, and it was, it was great because people still, still got along and everything.
00:29:30.920
Um, but it's hard to deny, you know, it's, it's, you of course want to listen to everybody's take and you of course don't want to, I, you know, I've never wanted to do comedy to hurt anyone's feelings.
00:29:44.240
As a matter of fact, I kind of left mad TV going, I'm not even comfortable making fun of fucking celebrities anymore because not like making fun, like if there's something, even if there was something to make fun of, if there's some sort of scandal, I was like, like I would do like, you know, my impersonations.
00:30:00.920
And shit or anything that was specifically targeted at celebrities, I would always try to make it silly and stupid and not about anything real.
00:30:08.820
I didn't want to do the stuff that was, that was, uh, you know, pointedly mean.
00:30:17.760
And, and, um, so of course I want to pay attention to, I don't think that comedy should exist to make people feel bad.
00:30:25.520
So you can't help, but, but, uh, or I can't help, but kind of pay attention to people who are like, well, that's fucked up and that hurts people's feelings.
00:30:39.580
And most of the work I do, most of the shit that I'm doing nine to five is acting anyway.
00:30:46.400
But nowadays the stuff that if I'm, if I'm working on something, creating something and developing something, it's like, it comes into, yeah, it comes into my mind, but it's, it's, uh.
00:30:58.080
But podcast, you can still say it on some, do you feel like that?
00:31:01.620
I think mostly because of the way podcasts are set up.
00:31:09.180
No one's going to listen to an hour and a half of a fucking podcast and pick out the.
00:31:12.580
And I actually was listening to, I was watching something that was making me laugh, uh, which
00:31:22.100
I was watching something that was making me laugh.
00:31:33.700
Um, the end of the first season with that electric boat.
00:31:42.400
You look like a, here's what you look like, dude, a panda bear that has definitely been
00:31:48.600
I'm like going to go steal fucking bamboo out of the air one.
00:31:56.940
But that word that goes shopping at a market all the time.
00:32:01.360
Um, uh, no, I was just watching something and then one guy called the other guy like a
00:32:08.400
gay slur, but they were really angry at each other and it made me laugh so fucking hard
00:32:18.240
Nowadays it makes me laugh because half of it is like, well, you can't, what are you doing?
00:32:23.720
And, and then the other half is like, damn, back in the day we used to say whatever the
00:32:31.400
And you would, it's like, you would even call people shit that, I mean, you want to talk
00:32:36.400
about calling people shit that technically they're not, which is what, what makes it
00:32:40.360
I mean, you could call people anything now you can't, but also I kind of feel like the
00:32:44.480
wokeness is, is coming from people look at the history and they go, look, this is just
00:32:50.000
I don't think people that aren't black shouldn't be saying the N word.
00:32:52.960
I think the black people say the N word and it's their word to own and they can do whatever
00:32:57.700
White people shouldn't say that word by that logic.
00:33:00.740
There's a bunch of shit that people who are not should not say.
00:33:04.920
So if it's something that can become a different term between, you know, within that community,
00:33:09.840
whether it's, you know, the gay community or, or the black community or whatever, they
00:33:24.660
Well, we had a guy, we, you know, we got a guy.
00:33:26.900
I'm coming up on an episode that has Tourette's and he was telling me how you can't even have
00:33:31.700
Tourette's these days because you write Tourette's.
00:33:37.140
He said he's got a lot of young dudes hitting him up with Tourette's asking him how to best,
00:33:42.360
If he yells it out at a, you know, at a Ramada or something.
00:33:45.440
And if you've ever been a Ramada, it's hard to not, you know, drop it a couple of times.
00:33:50.080
They're going to be, they got all kinds of crime on that at those places.
00:33:55.520
And if you, but think about that, you can't even have a disease anymore.
00:33:58.180
You can't have Tourette's, you know, you can barely be from Nicaragua, you know?
00:34:06.220
Without offending somebody, you know, you better say it clear and pronounce the C, you know?
00:34:14.460
I'm not even going to get into some of the African countries.
00:34:17.780
When I'm having sushi, bro, I order the Nijiri, bro.
00:34:29.260
Because you got to say that and train your tongue so that you can get the Nijiri sushi.
00:34:54.160
But do you think, though, that people start, like now, though, it's funny because a lot
00:34:58.340
of times the only people that are allowed to be safely made fun of on television anymore
00:35:03.880
And that's what makes me mad because it's like, well, fuck you.
00:35:09.260
And to me, the only people that still even own black people or own anybody in the world
00:35:13.400
anymore are executive producers or people that own the rights to people.
00:35:17.960
You know, like if you want to look at that's the only ownership going on anymore.
00:35:21.820
You know, if you want to look at like that guy who's on that the Cosby show, he's out
00:35:25.640
there, you know, stack and fucking, you know, little quantum little quantum kumquats.
00:35:34.560
And then they're saying, oh, he don't have any money.
00:35:38.240
Somebody's making money off of him being on TV every week.
00:35:58.400
Hey, have you heard about this guy, Brad Trump?
00:36:15.200
I got really good stuff on Brad Trump and nobody.
00:36:21.720
Do they have, what kind of evil do they have in Canada that they don't have in America,
00:36:34.040
Like, I was dating a girl, she had two cats, and I couldn't imagine if she had two beavers
00:36:39.080
Because when you're in Canada and you're just, like, dating a girl or me, you know,
00:36:42.780
it's like, it'd be nice to settle down with a nice Canadian gal as I look forward.
00:36:48.780
But a lot of times I'll get, you know, I'll meet someone on the, you know, I'll be home
00:36:55.300
for a while or something, or even when I'm fortunate enough to get to work up there.
00:36:59.860
And, you know, you meet a girl and it's like, oh, this is going good and shit.
00:37:03.020
And then you finally get back to her place and she has two rabid beavers.
00:37:06.680
And you go to sleep, like, it's like shit goes all right.
00:37:09.420
And then you go to sleep and then you want to use the bathroom in the middle of the night
00:37:12.380
and you get up and all your clothes and shoes and shit are all stacked up by the bathroom
00:37:16.080
door because the beavers made a dam and you can't even fucking get in there.
00:37:42.580
No, I was in a studio, but it cost less to go to the...
00:37:45.660
We just went out there to shoot on a soundstage.
00:37:55.700
Damn, Santa's doing working off season these days.
00:37:59.180
Um, so, uh, no, so we went out, we were in the Arctic and, you know, I'm from Canada.
00:38:05.680
They kind of, you know, we have more of a, you know, you grow up, you sort of learn what
00:38:10.320
they want you to learn about our First Nations people and stuff.
00:38:13.180
But I realized how ignorant I was because that snow sledding shit, the dog sleds, that
00:38:18.880
they, okay, they don't have, like, they don't have roads that go from town to town in the
00:38:24.960
It's just like, here's a town and the only way to get anywhere else is by plane or when
00:38:31.540
the ocean is frozen, that's what they're fucking, they're sledding on.
00:38:39.360
And of course, everyone was so nice and just sweet there.
00:38:42.320
So you, they would say like, hey, we're going to go over here to our friend's cabin on snowmobiles
00:38:55.120
Or, yeah, Falkor would be a good way to get around the Arctic.
00:39:10.460
We were in this town, Iqaluit, which is the capital of Nunavut, which is the Inuit territory
00:39:21.880
It sounds like something you want nothing to do with.
00:39:26.600
Like this dude, Matty, owned this fucking barbecue joint and he was like from Quebec.
00:39:30.980
So he had like legit barbecue plays with like, you know, they were, you know, had all sorts
00:39:38.800
He was flying it in and, and, uh, he let me borrow a minivan for a while.
00:39:43.340
Do you think, do a lot of people, sometimes when I see people in Canada, it seem like
00:39:49.900
Well, that's because you're American, so they don't want to talk to you about all the Canadian
00:39:54.900
I could be a, I could be a liaison into Canada for you.
00:39:59.380
For example, a lot of people in Canada, a lot of people think that Canadians are polite.
00:40:06.680
But they'd only show themselves as Canadian assholes to other Canadians.
00:40:12.380
Actually, and this isn't, this is actually, uh, well documented.
00:40:16.660
I think like they say people in the South, so you can confirm or deny like the whole,
00:40:23.320
like, you know, they'll be like nice to your face, but then I'll bless her heart.
00:40:30.160
I think we have that in common, uh, where, you know, and I mean, people are, people are
00:40:34.760
shitty everywhere, but I think that's specific.
00:40:39.820
It's like, oh, it's kind of like the, the, the, the, the, the, the sort of sweet part of
00:40:44.960
the South where people are just like, oh, hello, how are you?
00:40:48.540
And then behind your back, they'll say all sorts of bullshit.
00:40:51.880
Yeah, they got Canadian voodoo dolls or something.
00:40:55.020
You could just get them at the airport, any of those things, just like a little, like
00:41:11.740
We had a guy with Tourette's in here too, and he left a lot of heat in the room.
00:41:15.160
Bro, they're fucking human furnaces like the Amish make them.
00:41:21.020
There's just a lot churning and burning going on.
00:41:24.580
I mean, you think of all the curse words just milling around in their body, trying to get
00:41:30.140
Oh, dude, a guy cut his, he cut his wrist and a couple of N-bombs fell out, you know?
00:41:42.740
I'll let you get a piece, a little hold of that sucker, bro.
00:41:45.460
It's been collecting dust because I've had it for so long.
00:41:47.500
It is a beautiful piece of, uh, it is a beautiful, it is a beautiful strap.
00:41:50.840
It's like $162 and I had to pay for it myself, so.
00:41:56.580
They're like, congratulations, give us eight grand.
00:42:05.300
Do you think you have a shot at this year's, uh, well, let me tell you something, dude.
00:42:14.080
With your stirring rendition of this is how we do it?
00:42:36.940
It would have never, it would have never gone down that way.
00:42:39.680
It's Wednesday night and we're at the truck stop firing sweet potatoes.
00:42:46.880
You're cheating on your wife with another dude because you're high on dick pills.
00:43:08.240
I think it's, I think it's between, I think it's between you and Chris.
00:43:30.040
A couple of brothers and a couple of bad Asian bitches helping me out on the side, you know?
00:44:06.660
Yeah, it's easy to do comedy when you have nine fucking legs.
00:44:16.640
And then they got this new ginger guy up there.
00:44:23.360
If your parents loved you, did he give you a decent hair color?
00:44:29.740
Yeah, where I'm from, dude, you don't even listen to those guys till they're 40, you know?
00:44:38.980
You know what I'm saying, you little cinnamon stick?
00:44:40.760
You have to approve some wisdom as a redhead before you start chirping.
00:44:47.960
Who's that motherfucker from like Revenge of the Nerds and 30-something?
00:44:55.720
We didn't really listen to Timothy Busfield before he turned about 40 years old.
00:45:40.560
Name that asshole would be a good thing, like the teacher who showed you his asshole, where
00:45:44.160
you have people from your past, and they line up 60 feet away, and spread their...
00:45:49.080
They fucking pull their meat apart, and you get to look right down the center.
00:45:58.580
There was a picture of me, of my asshole, and I couldn't recognize it.
00:46:04.480
A friend of mine had a bunch of, like, speaking of shit you used to do, I guess the guys were
00:46:12.100
One thing led to another, and I was, like, mooning one of my friends who was, like, passed
00:46:15.960
out in a chair from drinking too much, probably.
00:46:25.740
But no, I'm mooning your buddy who's passed out in a chair.
00:46:28.800
Seems like, you know, that's like a Canadian by mitzvah.
00:46:33.280
Yeah, even if you're a redhead, you're a man after that.
00:46:41.900
And so this picture, this is, like, a couple years back.
00:46:45.340
My buddy's like, hey, check out these old pictures I had developed.
00:46:48.320
Because he had, like, one of those disposable cameras.
00:47:02.040
And he's like, look, and look at the thing in your head, and look at the shirt.
00:47:18.420
I mean, a 25-year-old asshole, like my 25-year-old asshole.
00:47:35.420
Nowadays, you take that picture into the service lady, they're like, oh, you're a pedophile
00:47:41.100
If there was still photo developing places and you brought that in, yeah, you'd be in.
00:47:45.460
You've got to get your asshole drawn now if you really want a quality shot of it.
00:47:49.040
If you want a beautiful picture of your asshole, you'd have to visit a portrait artist, and
00:47:58.840
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00:48:02.440
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00:49:58.720
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00:50:37.880
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00:51:53.620
What's next after everybody's doing butt activities now on the internet?
00:52:03.540
With all the body modification shit, we might come up with new holes, like pierce some new assholes.
00:52:12.220
Actually, that could kind of solve a lot of problems now because with, you know, when they talk about like with regard to gender and pronouns and stuff,
00:52:21.500
if a lot of people just had a hole drilled in their gooch between their balls and their asshole.
00:52:29.940
Yeah, just put something there in between so that we can all just sort of be one for a while and then figure out maybe in another hundred years.
00:52:38.540
Yeah, you could give it a nickname, like a little, you know, hole in the wall.
00:53:05.260
Do you think there's a time in your life when you're more obsessed with your body and then it changes over time?
00:53:13.900
I think when you're like 13 or 14 and you beat off for the first time, you're like, wow, I can do this all by myself.
00:53:23.160
That's an interesting time when you realize you can beat up adults, or at least for me.
00:53:33.480
By the time I was like nine years old, I was like, yeah, I could beat up adults.
00:53:40.040
Why the fuck did I take any shit off of anyone?
00:53:42.660
By the time I was like a giant 10-year-old, big chubby 10-year-old, could beat the fuck out of anybody.
00:53:52.580
The only downfall, really, is being hot as fuck right now in this hot as shit studio.
00:53:58.760
I'm wearing this, and I feel actually comfortable.
00:54:05.340
Again, it's all about my own view of mortality as it relates to that fourth or fifth slice of pizza.
00:54:12.800
I mostly ignore carbs, so I stay away from carbs.
00:54:22.440
I've done pescatarian, but no, I got to have red meat, and that's not even my blood type.
00:54:46.940
So you moved here before you started doing stand-up?
00:54:52.620
A friend of mine lived in San Francisco, and he's like, hey, man, come out and visit me.
00:55:03.760
And I went out there to hang out with him, and right when I get there, he's like, hey,
00:55:13.000
So basically, then next thing you know, I came to Los Angeles with him, and he ended up looking
00:55:26.800
So I could barely even move for like three months, dude.
00:55:30.560
I had whooping cough, which is an ancient disease.
00:55:40.780
They always had somebody cutting in line to get you dope over there, you know?
00:55:48.240
Would never get measles, mumps, or rubella, bro.
00:55:51.520
Because he cut in line and took everyone else's shit.
00:55:52.920
Oh, he had four gallons of fucking anti-venom in them.
00:55:55.640
You're lucky he probably took your dick pills a few times, saved your life.
00:56:00.340
I've taken a lot of those, boy, those gas stations.
00:56:02.520
One time, I popped a couple in the gas station, forgot about it, and got so sick, I couldn't
00:56:07.120
even leave the gas station for like an hour and a half.
00:56:11.040
Dude, those things, the rhino, the ones with the rhinoceros on them, extremely dangerous.
00:56:14.420
Yeah, don't eat anything with the rhinoceros on them.
00:56:17.280
I had the same thing happen with gas station Najiri once.
00:56:22.520
You'll be sitting in the aisle just shitting yourself.
00:56:27.420
So then I was down here, and I just stayed, man.
00:56:30.900
They had a comedy club down the street from my apartment on San Vicente, and I went in
00:56:34.500
They had one night a week, and I went in there, and then, yeah, just stayed, I guess.
00:56:41.720
Because I would have thought that you would have been, I would have thought you would
00:56:44.740
have been one of those kids who was like, I mean, you're saying you were still, you were
00:56:49.240
And I'm sure, I don't know, I mean, because, you know, I'm sure you know people like this.
00:56:53.180
Like, I have friends in my life where I'm like, oh, this fucking guy is so fucking funny.
00:56:57.180
And he does this or that for a living, like guys, buddies of mine back home or something
00:57:00.500
or friends out here that aren't in the business, and I was just like, does that person
00:57:05.900
Right, so that's interesting to me, because I would have thought you would have been like
00:57:13.500
thinking about it when you were a kid and going-
00:57:17.840
I remember seeing it in college one time and being like, people do this?
00:57:23.080
I thought he was a leper or something, you know?
00:57:25.280
Or whatever that is, I don't even know what that is.
00:57:27.280
And I thought, yeah, I remember going and going to the comedy club and being like, wow,
00:57:33.440
So then I guess whenever I saw the place, I was like, oh, you know, I'll go in there.
00:57:38.480
And I didn't think I was going to be good at this, maybe until like about seven or eight
00:57:41.620
years when I was like, oh, you know, I can actually do, you know, I can do this, you
00:57:50.520
I think I was still a lot of times thinking about not doing it.
00:57:53.060
You know, I took a break about five years for about six months and just went and got
00:58:00.500
And then now it's like kind of a full-time job.
00:58:03.520
Were you freaked out the first time you went up or the first few times you went up?
00:58:10.920
So I had like such a piece of material, you know, that it was like undeniable, you know?
00:58:17.940
So it was like I knew I could get a couple laughs.
00:58:21.760
I was so scared to stray from anything that I knew was comfortable.
00:58:25.640
And I can't even imagine an improv class I took.
00:58:32.200
I think you got to be Canadian and do improv because you got to be accepting of others
00:58:36.520
Well, I never really did like improv class or like...
00:58:40.100
Yeah, I didn't really come from the like improv world, like improvisational theater or anything.
00:58:47.900
You were just an actor and then that's how you got into it?
00:58:53.060
I was a class clown and I was like, you know, I wanted to do...
00:59:14.640
That is definitely a Nick Swartz impersonation.
00:59:23.960
I'm going to diary out of my asshole at this bar.
00:59:41.480
Now I'm going to scour the internet to watch it.
00:59:48.480
He has on like 90 different colors of like lip polish.
01:00:01.660
And I'll be having, you know, you guessed it, fart in my own butt.
01:00:15.720
And everybody seems to really love being around him.
01:00:24.600
You got, you got, I think D'Elia gets the belt next year, you know?
01:00:32.040
He's got a very large following on the internet, which is.
01:00:43.960
Here's what I said to my dear friend, Chris, not too long ago.
01:00:50.240
Now, you've seen that fucking, that dude, the Bleach.
01:00:57.700
This dude has been making these really funny videos, using, taking your heads and our heads
01:01:04.600
But I remember a couple years ago saying like, Chris, buy some fucking land and do it.
01:01:11.520
You have, you have an L. Ron Hubbard opportunity here to actually, because his fans are, they're
01:01:18.560
They're very loyal and they're, and he, he's writing, essentially writing a religion.
01:01:33.140
That's a Brennan Schaub impersonation too, right there.
01:01:40.320
I, oh, don't eat all the chilies before I get there.
01:02:19.640
Uh, but I told, yeah, I told D'Elia, like, start an actual cult.
01:02:26.480
I, like I said, we were texting and he goes, something.
01:02:29.360
Uh, I told him that I, I told him that I ordered these shoes or whatever.
01:02:36.620
And he was like, I was like, I sent him the picture of these shoes.
01:02:39.280
Like, cause I, you know, I have seven pairs of shoes, right?
01:02:42.300
He's got like, you know, so many, too many shoes.
01:02:46.680
I'll go like, you know, Hey, I ordered some new New Balance, you know, to fuck with him.
01:02:52.320
I ordered a pair of shoes and he was like, yeah, you fucking Kuda.
01:03:18.400
So he sounds like a fat girl, like stuck in a wishing well, you know?
01:03:23.740
And they, like a real big girl stuck in a wishing well.
01:03:27.280
And they throw a ladder down to her and they're like, here's a ladder.
01:03:32.460
And she's like, no, she's really mad down there.
01:03:46.000
And then I said, well, uh, well then you're fuck you.
01:04:11.660
Not the first, not bearer, just Kuda, not salmon.
01:04:16.540
Dude, he's like a leopard kind of that, you know, isn't really being a leopard and is doing
01:04:24.720
Well, I would, I would like for him to bring out the leopard because I know he's the romantic
01:04:35.380
But I would like for him to start an actual cult.
01:04:38.240
You know, he doesn't have to go like wild country style.
01:04:42.720
But he wouldn't even show up or he'd probably have Lanocci shot up.
01:04:49.680
That fucking guy who's basically a blood donor for him.
01:04:57.140
It's got to be about, you know, the guy has decent plasma levels or whatever.
01:05:00.420
Because there's no reason he's, you know, carting that guy around.
01:05:04.760
If I were a betting man, I'd say they have the same blood type.
01:05:07.120
He got Lanocci checked out like, like what's her face did in Big Lebowski.
01:05:23.180
And he bought some land, let's say in the Arctic.
01:05:25.980
He went up there like every three months, like four times a year.
01:05:33.220
Otherwise people are going to be sitting there freezing cold out there.
01:05:44.640
The, yeah, the wifi, the internet speeds are not very good.
01:05:49.500
But, you know, and then he could just come out there every three months, do some standup
01:06:08.180
I wouldn't mind being like a high cardinal or something like that.
01:06:10.780
And then like maybe turn on him, game of Thrones style.
01:06:14.800
Second he leaves out of town, somebody's fucking hitting you in the back with a hatchet.
01:06:18.980
Do you feel like somebody that'll get murdered or die a natural cause is honestly?
01:06:31.320
I don't think I've given anybody reason to murder me.
01:06:36.980
He said that one of the most random things you notice is that just, you don't, you don't
01:06:39.980
There's no real rhyme or reason to people getting, you know, if somebody molests a kid or if somebody
01:06:45.620
I would love to die of natural causes, hopefully not because of something I ate and then went
01:06:50.940
to sleep at night thinking, you know, this, this, this, you know, fucking Calzone is going
01:06:58.880
You think you deserve to get murdered or deserve to die of natural causes?
01:07:07.080
But I'm asking you, which one do you think you deserve?
01:07:10.980
Like here right now, some guy walked up and punched me in the face.
01:07:14.640
I was like, you know what that's for motherfucker.
01:07:22.640
People have reasons for, to do all sorts of shit.
01:07:24.520
The guy's like, whew, at least that karma came back fast.
01:07:27.980
I mean, I would want to ask again, maybe this is the Canadian in me, but I wouldn't mind sitting
01:07:32.780
down with the man after he punched me in the face and asked him why he did that.
01:07:37.600
I got punched right in the center of the, I got punched right in the center of the face
01:07:42.840
And it was, well, you know, a few times in my life, but as you get older, when you get
01:07:48.740
punched in the face, I was probably in my late twenties, this guy punched me right in
01:07:53.840
He was a guy, he wasn't a, he was, I would say based on my size versus his size, he was
01:08:06.020
So I grabbed him, uh, and I thought about it for a while and then I made him apologize
01:08:16.820
People are irrational, but as, so long as you can talk to them, you know, I held him
01:08:26.580
They used to have a thing going through the, you know, the Southeast and stuff.
01:08:30.000
And I don't use this kind of terminology, but this was called, this was back in the
01:08:38.140
And they would put a boxing ring in a bar and gay guys would fight and you'd bet on them.
01:08:43.240
Would there be, would they sort of give you a backstory sort of like, like 24 where they
01:08:47.980
would be like, here's why this guy's mad at this guy.
01:08:55.200
Like if Griffin can't believe, like if you watch UFC, they give like the, here's the
01:09:00.800
beef or they were working on like, I think you just, yeah, nobody in the bar was listening
01:09:06.180
to what that, just assume these guys, that's what's exciting.
01:09:09.180
Then you pick who you're, who you're rooting for.
01:09:12.160
If you don't do that, then it's just based on their outfits.
01:09:20.300
But yeah, dude, they'd come and people would bet on them and then you can get, you know,
01:09:31.860
Would you ever do any road work, any vaudeville type stuff or do you think the road would kill
01:09:39.440
Like get out there, be a, you know, carny, not carny, but high end carnival.
01:09:45.880
Like stepping on a bunch of rakes and stuff and like, uh, like clown noses, shit like
01:09:58.440
I would imagine when you're doing what you do, you're like, oh, I get to do some standup
01:10:05.660
Uh, but yeah, no, for me, I can't even play the accordion.
01:10:09.520
So that would probably be, it would be hard for me to justify being out there on the road.
01:10:13.880
I would probably lose money being on the road doing.
01:10:16.760
I think I would definitely lose money and it would be depressing and lonely.
01:10:34.520
But when you put together a stage show, dude, I could see you having a stage show, a musical,
01:10:40.800
You know, I've, I've, it's interesting having, uh, friends.
01:10:44.920
Now we're friends because we've spent this much time together.
01:10:48.260
Again, if you're just tuning in, Theo and I are establishing our friendship in live podcast
01:10:59.360
Like if you and I, if we like do more stuff, become buds and shit, then people will be
01:11:06.320
You can literally watch them become friends in 2018.
01:11:12.400
Um, I do, you know, having buddies like, uh, you know, Chris and Brian, Bobby Lee, who I've
01:11:19.400
I do a standup is, is such a, it's a much different thing than, than, than what I do
01:11:27.240
and what, what, uh, so many people in the business do.
01:11:29.380
It's such a specific thing, but I will say, you know, it's like, I kind of feel like, you
01:11:35.020
know, I've said this to Chris and Brian, I feel like it's an art form really, truly
01:11:39.240
because I'm a fan of, of, you know, the standup that I like to watch or whatever over the
01:11:44.260
years and, you know, we, porn, porn standup, uh, Hey, um, you're like, you know, I had
01:11:54.020
We had like George Carlin and, and fucking Pryor and, and the guy, the rapist and, and,
01:11:59.940
um, and, um, you know, like Gilda live, like Gilda Radner.
01:12:14.260
And, and, but I feel like it's an art form under siege, especially now because it's experiencing
01:12:19.540
a big resurgence over the past, you know, handful of years.
01:12:26.920
If you're an actor, you still, somebody needs to let you do it.
01:12:32.960
I mean, you can go and make YouTube shit and do whatever, but if you want to be an actor,
01:12:40.760
Actors have to audition all the time or have some sort of momentum or name or whatever.
01:12:45.400
So if you want to start out in acting, you, somebody has to let you do it.
01:12:50.360
If you want to be a musician, you have to have some musical talent or you'll be found out and
01:12:57.700
And I'm literally thinking about it in the most rudimentary way.
01:13:01.440
Like when I was a kid, you know, you know, a lot of kids wouldn't play hockey in my town
01:13:06.180
because their parents didn't want to pay for the fucking equipment.
01:13:09.600
So like, like, so like, you know, musician is like, you need equipment, right?
01:13:14.720
In comedy, you, you just need this microphone, which I'm pretty sure is provided.
01:13:22.960
So if you go to an open mic and it's like, so I kind of feel like a lot of the, and I'm
01:13:27.560
saying this, I'm not saying this as somebody who knows what the fuck I'm saying.
01:13:30.840
This purely as an audience member to stand up when I see like total bullshit.
01:13:35.280
And then the, and this is again, my opinion strictly as an audience member.
01:13:41.880
I like to enjoy and just, you know, not be a comedy head about it.
01:13:45.640
But if I go watch stand up somewhere and someone's fucking just bullshit, then the next person
01:13:51.860
And then it's like, bullshit, bullshit, great, great, great bullshit.
01:13:55.000
It's like, the fuck, can we get them out of here and just have this?
01:13:59.100
And I feel like there's just the way that stand up comedy is set up.
01:14:07.100
I'm getting super passionate about it, but it's true.
01:14:13.500
I mean, you know, and I'm not asking you to get into that because I feel like.
01:14:17.620
I feel like I can, I can, maybe I can say it because it's not my bread and butter.
01:14:23.800
So far be it for me to like go, you know, look, I've been doing what I do for a really
01:14:30.240
So anytime I've done some stage shit, like some, some stand up stuff, it has to be just
01:14:37.000
And, you know, so like, you know, I used to do a character that we used to do on, on
01:14:41.720
the podcast I had with Brian and Chris on the, on the.
01:14:53.940
He'd take too many dick pills and his hands were straight and he would come out.
01:15:01.960
I think you talked about this earlier on in our friendship about.
01:15:07.420
So, um, uh, so, uh, no, I used to do this guy and we did it on the 10 minute podcast
01:15:14.060
cause it was like, oh, here's a funny thing for like something to be, the bit was like,
01:15:18.520
oh, he's a, he's a, he's a former open miker who is, is, uh, Hey, I'm just going to sit
01:15:24.580
You guys do your thing and I'll sit in and they go.
01:15:31.480
And this fellow and we just, his name was David Greco and he was just like this guy.
01:15:36.160
And so they would do their thing and they'd be talking and he would go, Hey, what's going
01:15:44.460
Like, shut the fuck up unless you have something good.
01:15:48.800
And then I was like, oh, maybe I'll do it live.
01:15:51.020
So I did it a few bunch of times and it was kind of fun, but it was always a bit.
01:15:55.560
And I kind of feel like someone like me has to come into it sideways doing like a bit
01:16:00.560
or else, or else, cause I don't like it when I see, man, that could be worked out, man.
01:16:07.720
You know, you could have somebody doing, you know, playing a straight man on stage and then
01:16:11.080
you fit, you know, like I would just love to see you on the road, you know, taking it
01:16:18.660
I think there's gotta be a way cause people just love you.
01:16:21.420
It seemed like everybody loves you and it seemed like it would be nice if people could
01:16:27.600
I'm, I, that's interesting to hear you say that.
01:16:29.260
Cause I, I, you know, the, the, the times that I've performed live have been, you know,
01:16:35.100
they're not standupy things, you know, but I, you know, I've done a lot of, you know,
01:16:38.900
like mad TV, live audience, live audience sitcoms that I've done and shit and, and this
01:16:43.100
and that, you know, you, you end up doing stuff that is essentially being in front of
01:16:48.720
And, and it's like, well, I gotta, you know, I gotta, I gotta read everybody and do this.
01:16:52.800
And, you know, it's essentially, uh, doing standup with a net kind of thing.
01:16:58.720
And then I've had friends that are like, um, you know, weirdos in comedy that do do
01:17:03.540
some, some weird stuff who, who come from more sketch and scripted.
01:17:07.420
But, but also before that came from a stage, came from improv, came from putting together
01:17:13.960
a sketch troupe, come from writing and they go, well, if you don't want to do that, you
01:17:19.220
could do like, I have one friend of mine who's like, oh, well, when I do a live show,
01:17:22.860
like I come out and I have like a guy who plays a standup bass and it's weird.
01:17:28.760
And yeah, dude, I remember when I had 15 minutes of comedy, I would go to colleges and, uh,
01:17:36.720
Oh, and I would show up the day before I would shoot like a cribs with like the principal
01:17:42.260
And I would go to their place and like shoot it all and then edit it together that night.
01:17:45.980
So that was like a, and I would do interviews around campus.
01:17:48.260
Like, you know, I heard you, they're allowing guns on campus.
01:17:53.000
And people, one kid ran off and I asked him it like, fuck him, bro.
01:18:00.780
But, but I would ask him all kinds of stuff, funny stuff.
01:18:03.360
And then I'd make out like a, you know, 30 minute video.
01:18:05.500
Then I would do the video and then come out and do whatever little comedy I had.
01:18:11.060
I mean, I think just these days, there's so much you can mix up.
01:18:13.540
I just think that people would love to see you out there.
01:18:28.160
People will tell you if the, if people are listening, they'll even tell you to get out
01:18:31.940
You know, I think you look like Gerard Butler a little bit.
01:18:40.500
And he's always in the top 100 of the Man on Mad Magazine.
01:18:44.240
So you had, it looks like you have another tier to aim for.
01:18:48.340
You know, I, okay, I shouldn't even be saying this on wax, as they say.
01:18:54.880
But yeah, I was thinking about doing, not the old stand-up character that I was doing,
01:18:58.960
but I've been thinking about doing a new stand-up character.
01:19:01.520
Like what, I'll, let me, let me see what it's like.
01:19:11.000
And B, because I feel like it's, it's not a bad thing now to pull the curtain back a
01:19:22.640
When you pull that curtain back, you see the whole family's in the bathtub.
01:19:27.460
When you pull that curtain back, you hope to see all of them in a line.
01:19:31.320
Just like, like the stickers on the back of a minivan.
01:19:37.940
Just a family doing coke behind that bathroom curtain.
01:19:46.140
Dude, get me some sweet potatoes and a fucking slingshot.
01:19:51.400
We got to talk about Christmas, too, so do the character, Will.
01:19:58.200
I feel like we invited you here to do characters.
01:19:59.820
You've just been talking about all kinds of shit for like an hour.
01:20:14.320
Somebody's going to bake you over the holidays.
01:20:30.460
I had some nijiri, and then this morning I had a fucking turkey sandwich.
01:20:50.060
See, this is going to be the dumbest fucking thing ever.
01:20:54.540
I fucking pitched this to a couple of buddies of mine the other night.
01:20:56.960
I was like, hey, man, you know what might be funny?
01:21:05.740
I got to fucking just fucking stomp it into the ground first.
01:21:10.200
And I pitched it to them, and they went, eh, I don't know.
01:21:13.240
So that's why I just wanted to preface it by saying other people who I respect in comedy,
01:21:18.520
one's a writer, one's a director, not stand-up.
01:21:32.540
Bro, what if you never do the character and it just keeps being this?
01:21:36.360
What if I just go on stage and pitch a character and never do it?
01:21:41.300
This fucking podcast just goes in perpetuity through.
01:22:37.660
Santa Ana going to release some special tickets.
01:22:44.380
Or how about, instead of Hey, Dana White, this is my new.
01:23:03.420
And then he took out one of my ribs and fucking cooked it right there.
01:23:08.980
Chuck an arm and get him in a fucking weird choke.
01:23:29.800
Let's do all 252 episodes of TFATK in two minutes.
01:23:39.780
And then they get that little redheaded guy in there.
01:23:49.240
Some guy named after someone that gets dropped off in a van every afternoon and thrown into
01:23:53.680
a machine where people put change in and get you out of a fucking chip, bro.
01:24:01.220
With your fucking cousin Funyun and your boy fucking Bugles.
01:24:25.980
You're going to drop that dog and get hit by a car.
01:24:32.700
I'm a white, privileged, white guy, Jewish, Al-Skenazi, rare, silverback Hebrew, and I
01:24:39.680
fucking, Porzingis, Carmelo Anthony, you fucking Donald Trump.
01:24:46.300
Look at this fucking guy's going to jump through this table and hurt himself.
01:25:06.060
I'll do one and you guess who it is, all right?
01:25:15.840
Well, we only know about four of the same people.
01:25:33.260
I mean, I'm quite happy to go, you fucking cocksucker, get out of the street.
01:25:37.560
Now you're going to get splashed with water when the fucking bus drives by.
01:25:41.360
You dumb fuck, you got splashed with water, you cocksucker.
01:25:53.240
You dropped out of the fucking Paris Climate Accord, you fucking idiot, you.
01:25:58.180
Listen to Guy McCrone, you fucking dick skin piece of shit.
01:26:13.420
You're fucking whiter than me, Dick Stain Donald.
01:26:26.760
You had your fucking hair straightened because you don't want to look like me?
01:26:37.280
Right before it sounds like somebody stuffed that movie Casino into a ginger.
01:26:49.020
And also, while we're at it, Spike Lee fucking sucks dick.
01:26:53.720
That dude's had one good movie and a bunch of bad outfits.
01:26:56.480
If he weren't at the front of the Knicks games, nobody would give a fuck about that, dude.
01:27:06.120
And just when you're fucking waking up in a fucking hospital, I'll be there to do it again.
01:27:21.820
You went over my fucking head, you cocksucker, you.
01:27:25.380
We should reshoot Casino with Michael Rappaport.
01:27:30.640
And I don't know, like Brian could play Ace Rothschild, and Brendan or Chris could play the Sharon Stone part.
01:27:39.560
It's just rich people yelling at each other, man.
01:27:43.000
That movie is fucking, that's some good rich people yelling at each other, though.
01:27:46.280
One of the finest rich people yelling at each other movies.
01:28:21.820
I'm trying not to laugh because it's so hot in here.
01:28:26.380
I'm going to pitch this to you because I want to know your opinion.
01:28:36.620
This whole thing's supposed to be about Christmas.
01:28:40.080
I got a fucking hat that's raising my temperature, but I'm sticking with it.
01:28:51.700
Yeah, where were you when I was playing in the NBA six-on-six celebrity basketball, you piece of shit?
01:28:58.160
You couldn't beat Omarosa in a one-on-one, Dick Stain Donald?
01:29:25.060
Take it out on the coach of the fucking Knicks.
01:29:26.700
That guy's been a fucking piece of shit for 20 years.
01:29:31.960
You're talking about taking out his political views that he would have aimed at Trump on the
01:29:48.380
And they fucking, I will say that there's, that I love that we live in an age that the
01:29:52.740
internet is still the Wild West, that you can literally get on the internet
01:29:56.320
and say, and call the fucking president whatever the fuck you want.
01:30:11.100
You're a senior citizen that's fucking trying to, you know, fuck, you know.
01:30:14.720
Yeah, speaking of the Knicks, she fucked half of them, dude.
01:30:26.760
He's got a chance to really hook up with some old senior citizen hotties before they, you
01:30:53.720
Some jokes, you know, write some jokes, try to get up there for a few minutes.
01:30:58.940
Then maybe I might even pilfer some of the jokes from the other character.
01:31:07.220
It's me with maybe a slightly different name and a very short, well-made wig.
01:31:23.100
And it's not one of those things where it's like, oh, why, why can't, why wouldn't he just,
01:31:29.440
we'll just take this stupid wig off and do the jokes.
01:31:34.500
This character has his own specific point of view on things.
01:31:42.100
Mostly what it is, though, is me doing stand-up.
01:31:56.340
And I would have a name like Pete or maybe Phillip.
01:32:09.880
I feel like you would have any name that would be cute for a rabbit would be cute for you.
01:32:20.940
Ladies and gentlemen, one hand smacking against the other makes a wonderful sound for Thumper Jenkins.
01:32:28.680
Yeah, and here's Thumper Jenkins, and he's got three tasty yams he's about to fire across
01:32:34.000
What if I just, and I just, I have like a super colorful name, but I don't, but I just speak
01:32:51.680
So I think this would be something that could be interesting.
01:32:55.440
So technically, it wouldn't be me, I wouldn't be doing.
01:33:01.560
No, that's, I haven't worked out the rest of it.
01:33:09.260
I prefer Theo's Philip character than get hit by a train.
01:33:12.080
I feel like I just watched Schindler's List, dude.
01:33:35.700
This is a, I can't believe we said the app on him this many times.
01:33:59.360
Will, I wanted to know, when was the time you faked excitement for a Christmas gift?
01:34:16.360
Currently, the Bullet Club would be Cody Rhodes and the Young Bucks, mostly.
01:34:22.640
And the Bullet Club, people would have been shot?
01:34:27.000
They have a different relationship with guns than we do here.
01:34:30.820
You know, the Bullet Club, you know, we got, you know, a couple of those guys moved out here.
01:34:35.240
But when it was back there, it was, you know, Prince Devitt, AJ Styles, guys like that.
01:34:52.780
If you get somebody a hat for Christmas, fuck them.
01:34:54.540
Well, actually, my agents used to send me wine.
01:35:04.920
Because for about a year now, you would remember this from earlier in our friendship.
01:35:17.220
I would have loved if you had more of a question about the Bullet Club.
01:35:20.600
Do you, what disease do you think would go best with you?
01:35:24.240
If you had to have a unique disease or rare disease.
01:35:33.900
I could see you having a soft side of your face.
01:35:40.660
I would make him laugh because it was just so funny to see him go.
01:35:45.820
That's some Canadian content for his former prime minister.
01:35:58.960
Yeah, I got Bell's palsy and he doesn't make a dance.
01:36:05.880
Because Jean Chrétien, he talk like this for the Canadian people and he doesn't make a dance.
01:36:20.140
Everybody in France sound like they just were coming and then got hit by a fucking bat in the spine.
01:36:37.860
And I wanted to know, do you know what your favorite urban comedian, Shauna, will be doing for Christmas?
01:36:43.440
She'll be standing with you, you know, handing out some AHJs, you know, behind the comedy store, you know, with her eggnog.
01:36:54.580
He's referencing something we used to do on the aforementioned 10-minute podcast.
01:37:00.720
Shauna was a woman who was the queen bee of urban comedy, the first lady of keeping it real.
01:37:08.300
I haven't heard from Shauna in about five or six years.
01:37:11.800
Do you know if you, what happened to the 10-minute podcast?
01:37:18.500
Honestly, somebody didn't, somebody, one of you guys wasn't pulling their weight.
01:37:23.960
Actually, that was, it was, it was that we were all pulling too much weight.
01:37:27.620
No, really what happened was probably around, I can't remember, 2014, we started doing it in 2012.
01:37:35.320
And then, I mean, it was just, it got so hard with our schedules, because the guys are traveling all the time, Brian and Chris.
01:37:42.760
Brian's on the west side, Chris doesn't want to leave his house.
01:37:48.580
And so, it would just, it just got harder and harder.
01:37:51.420
And then we'd kind of done it, like we did the shit out of what that is.
01:37:55.620
And then, so, you know, and Brian was doing Fighter and the Kid and was like busy all the time, and Chris too, obviously, just constantly on the road.
01:38:08.260
And so, I was like, I was like, well, why don't we just, you know, not, it was, you know, it was kind of like, I sort of, you know, it just got harder and harder to do.
01:38:19.520
So, and we always said to each other that, you know, we're friends, and we're doing this fun thing.
01:38:27.620
And as soon as it, if it's not working, it doesn't matter.
01:38:33.520
And so, the fucking podcast, with all due respect to the listeners, whom I love, we couldn't do it.
01:38:40.820
So, then I was doing it by myself for a while, and then two other buddies of mine joined in, and it became a very different thing.
01:38:47.440
With my good pals, Tommy and Chad, Tommy Blacha and Chad Colchin, who are both very funny writing producers.
01:38:55.740
And then we tried to diamond the audience down, and make the jokes all reference themselves, and kill our audience.
01:39:02.760
We lost thousands of listeners, of course, because Brian and Chris left, and then we tried to weed it down to where if you weren't listening to all the episodes, you'd be completely lost.
01:39:20.700
And then he had to stop doing it, because he's a very busy man.
01:39:31.100
He's an editor, like a news editor, a real dude, and does all sorts of shit.
01:39:38.280
And do you, is there any chance for a 10-minute podcast coming back?
01:39:59.100
We're at and the chief engineer of laughter and cheer, Cullen Beebe.
01:40:05.480
I was just wondering, I know Sasso was a big fan of wrestling.
01:40:09.360
I was just wondering what y'all's thoughts were on when Stone Cold Steve Austin kicked Santa in the nuts
01:40:22.940
Maybe I'll put a link when I send this video in.
01:40:25.260
I just want to know what y'all's thoughts are on it.
01:40:28.720
And, Theo, I voted for you for Guest of the Week on Fighter and the Kid,
01:40:40.120
He's wearing D'Elia merch, and he fucking voted for you.
01:40:44.920
Well, I think, yeah, I haven't really put out there for people to go vote.
01:40:48.260
Like, I think it's, you know, it's the fans of that show.
01:40:50.540
So I'm not publicizing, like, I'm not telling, like, people go vote.
01:40:58.000
It's been an honor to have the strap for a year.
01:40:59.920
It's a sweet strap, and it's a cool thing for, you're right, their show.
01:41:06.280
And it's a wonderful thing to get their listeners involved.
01:41:09.380
And any time I get to do the show, I enjoy their listenership.
01:41:13.440
It's a good group of people, and they're very engaged.
01:41:15.980
Now, with all due respect to Brendan, and with all due disrespect to Brian Callen.
01:41:22.020
I don't give a fuck who wins person of the fucking year, whatever, on their goddamn podcast.
01:41:32.240
Now, again, with all due respect to Brendan, but what do you think of that, Brian?
01:41:45.380
Well, dude, if you don't have a chance to win, you usually don't care.
01:41:53.260
No, I think you could win, and I think it'll be out of you or Delia.
01:41:59.120
This other kid, this fucking Red Lightning or whatever that kid's name is, fucking Cinnamon
01:42:03.120
Randy or whatever, coming out of nowhere, acting like he's got a shot.
01:42:13.440
Fucking Roy G. Biff or whatever that dude's name is.
01:42:20.020
The little fucking Clifford the Big Red fucking creep.
01:42:26.040
That guy shows up out of nowhere with a couple of, he says he has, you know, freckles.
01:42:32.320
And he's acting like, you know, he's going to win it all, dude.
01:42:51.380
By 40, you've just barely, you know, if you don't tie your arms by the side of your body
01:42:55.680
at night, your fucking whole body will fall apart.
01:43:00.080
He needs a fucking, he needs some fucking gas station dick pill.
01:43:05.420
You better caulk that fucking little ginger together, son.
01:43:17.220
Dude, somebody said who should be guest of the year.
01:43:26.320
No, you know, yeah, I think, I think Chris has got it.
01:43:29.420
And that's not, and I'm not, and you know, I don't say that to disparage you, the current
01:43:42.860
He's also dressing very, very European recently.
01:43:46.100
He's, he's, yeah, he always wears tight sweaters and shoes that you don't recognize.
01:43:57.000
When I'm 51, I'm going to look like a fucking homeless alcoholic, just based on what I wear
01:44:03.340
So I better get, step my fashion up, because a sweaty arm fucking hoodie sweatshirt is
01:44:13.160
You got to live in a castle, too, at your size.
01:44:15.060
If you're not living in a castle, you look like a fucking weirdo.
01:44:17.240
Yeah, you look like a fucking weirdo walking out of an apartment.
01:44:19.300
Dude, I can't walk into a two or three bedroom apartment and you're living in there, dude.
01:44:22.600
You better have a moat around you or it's a wrap.
01:44:24.740
Yeah, I got, I got some, well, I got, yeah, I got a drawbridge, but no moat at my house.
01:44:29.220
Yeah, you better tighten up and get a big, you know, stick or something or a hatchet or
01:44:34.420
I'd rather be outdoors and it's either castle or outdoors at your size.
01:44:37.720
You can't be running around in a fucking, you know, off of Barrington.
01:44:47.560
And you need to get a bird or something or a strong animal that can also spend time around
01:44:51.940
Yeah, that you can send to fucking like take out wolves and shit like the Mongolians do.
01:44:56.600
Or to pick up a little bit of pokey across the street.
01:45:00.460
That'd be good to get like a golden eagle that can get some pokey from me from, yeah.
01:45:23.720
Maybe this would work for my stand-up character.
01:45:27.480
Dude, what if you're a guy that looks like Santa but isn't Santa?
01:45:31.180
My fucking buddy, my buddy Tommy Blotcher, the aforementioned Tommy Blotcher, who we
01:45:35.640
were talking about, he goes, you know what would be fucking hilarious?
01:45:37.840
Do a Christmas special and dress up like Santa but then the voice is just Hulk Hogan and
01:45:44.280
Because I think people's brains work like that.
01:45:50.360
And do like, do Hulk but then, but you just look like Santa.
01:45:54.340
And not like being funny with like the mustache.
01:45:57.080
Just dress like Santa and then just do Hulk Hogan's voice.
01:46:14.780
Maybe we'll go back and forth and do some verses.
01:47:03.400
Let's do just a little bit of improv on one of these and we'll shut it down.
01:47:14.460
Speaking of the 10-Minute Podcast, we used to do Christmas stuff all the time.
01:47:20.040
They would tell me, we played that on Christmas around the family.
01:47:30.920
This is Silver Bells by the London Symphony Orchestra.
01:47:52.640
Guys, it's a key of F and a key change to G later.
01:48:05.700
Dressed in holiday style, you motherfucker, you.
01:48:15.680
Children laughing, people passing, da, da, da, after smile, and on every straight corner,
01:48:42.700
In the city, look out for the fucking taxi cab.
01:48:47.180
It's right in front of you, you stupid cocksucker, you.
01:48:55.900
You didn't go to the fucking Paris Accord or the fucking Climate Change Accord.
01:49:01.260
You fucking pulled out of that and you tell the fucking UN where to stick it, you Dick Stain Donald, you.
01:49:09.440
Well, I'll be in Appleton, Wisconsin at the hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit.
01:49:16.720
I'm going to release some of my special tickets.
01:49:25.600
See the kids bunched into Santa's big scene, you cocksucker, you.
01:50:00.280
You're going to fall off the table, you fat bastard.
01:50:07.200
He's trying to jump through the fucking table and do a fucking shotgun of fucking beer.
01:50:26.300
We did the T-Fat K guest of the year Christmas carol.
01:50:37.980
Dude, I want to learn more about that character sometime if you feel like ever telling me about it.
01:50:42.540
I might just hit you up and call you at like two or three in the morning and add some layers to it and just go, hey, Theo, Theo.
01:50:49.680
I was thinking instead of like a short brown wig, what a like, like a sandy brown, like sort of, or maybe some gray sides because I got some gray in my beard.
01:51:16.080
He can't even feel one of his arms and he hears a choo-choo train coming.
01:51:23.340
I'm smelling like, or I hear sizzling and I smell something meaty.
01:51:45.820
Look at that on those sex pills, breaking the card.
01:52:24.840
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be
01:52:34.020
sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure
01:52:44.800
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
01:53:03.120
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
01:53:07.640
I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
01:53:12.140
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
01:53:18.940
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.
01:53:23.100
Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.
01:53:28.300
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