This Past Weekend with Theo Von - David Spade ｜ This Past Weekend #233

00:00:00.000 I lost a spelling bee to a girl in fifth grade who got pregnant. 1.00

00:00:05.480 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:00:06.820 Swear to God. 1.00

00:00:08.380 This girl named Helena, Big Helena, I think was her full name, bro.

00:00:11.460 Shine that light on me.

00:00:17.180 I'll sit and tell you my stories.

00:00:22.160 Shine that light on me.

00:00:25.640 I'll sit and tell you my stories.

00:00:32.300 If I see a hair pop out, I light it on fire in front of the other hair.

00:00:36.540 Show what happens to a quitter.

00:00:39.480 For me, it's like Band of Brothers, I feel like.

00:00:41.560 If one goes down, I want to send in Matt Damon to save it,

00:00:46.000 or I want to send Tom Hanks.

00:00:48.480 It's gotten to the point where I need him so much.

00:00:51.040 But the funny thing is, you're known for your cool hair,

00:00:53.720 and everyone likes your hair.

00:00:56.040 By the way, hair, you're cool looking new,

00:00:58.180 but hair is 80% of being cool.

00:01:00.540 That's cool.

00:01:01.800 Hair is.

00:01:02.500 Hair is a big deal, yeah.

00:01:03.940 And you have good hair, but I didn't know you had any trouble with it.

00:01:06.700 Yeah, so you don't think it, but when you're living with the hair,

00:01:08.900 then you see the crop, you see what's going on. 0.99

00:01:10.780 Oh, dude, you see some fucking forest between the trees. 0.99

00:01:14.060 And you know more than anyone, man. 1.00

00:01:15.500 I used to look in the mirror and go, what the fuck? 1.00

00:01:17.920 And other people start to think you're crazy, 1.00

00:01:19.700 and then once you start obsessing on it,

00:01:21.300 you just get more and more obsessed on it.

00:01:22.840 It's easy to obsess about.

00:01:24.420 Hair is a great one, because the people that have hair,

00:01:27.700 there's bums that's better hair than me. 0.99

00:01:29.580 These fucking bums, and I'm like daintily drying my hair with a napkin. 1.00

00:01:34.900 Meanwhile, they're like rubbing a rock on it every morning, 1.00

00:01:38.360 and it just gets better.

00:01:40.160 You know what I mean?

00:01:40.900 Like you see bums, not bums, whatever they're called.

00:01:43.700 No, but outdoors.

00:01:44.580 Yeah.

00:01:44.980 Outdoors, you guys.

00:01:45.540 I sleep under the freeway, and they look cooler.

00:01:49.240 I wanted to do Pimp My Bum, where you go there,

00:01:53.020 and you clean them up.

00:01:53.840 Oh, that's a good idea.

00:01:54.000 You get some kids to clean them up for college credit,

00:01:57.060 and then they try to get them a job or something.

00:01:58.800 Get them a necklace or something?

00:02:00.340 Well, no.

00:02:00.820 I could see you in Sedona buying a bunch of turquoise.

00:02:02.200 Just a necklace.

00:02:03.160 Just get them a turquoise necklace and say,

00:02:05.100 hey, man, it's going to flip your life around.

00:02:06.880 Yeah.

00:02:08.420 I could see that, too.

00:02:09.540 My mom lives out in Tucson,

00:02:10.760 and she's definitely turning into like a real turquoise junkie. 1.00

00:02:13.540 My mom loves turquoise.

00:02:15.240 I think moms love turquoise.

00:02:16.800 Yeah.

00:02:17.320 It's pretty funny how they –

00:02:18.960 My mom has a squash blossom necklace from Gilbert Ortega's.

00:02:22.880 That's like – because I'm from Arizona,

00:02:24.940 and they have a lot of Indian, you know, real Indians that they do –

00:02:29.860 they make jewelry.

00:02:31.440 So this has a lot of silver and turquoise

00:02:33.740 and like a big horseshoe in the middle.

00:02:35.660 It's pretty crazy because they were worth a lot.

00:02:38.720 She made me hold one once in my car when I was a little dirt ball.

00:02:42.360 And they're for good luck?

00:02:43.280 They're just – they're for good looks and, you know,

00:02:47.280 very decorative Indian jewelry.

00:02:50.000 And then I left it in my 62 Volvo when I ran out of gas.

00:02:54.160 I left it for three days because I couldn't get –

00:02:55.780 you know, when you're –

00:02:56.560 Oh, it's hard to take a necklace with you out of – yeah.

00:02:58.200 You don't think of that. 1.00

00:02:58.500 You're a fucking loser. 1.00

00:02:59.240 I just walk back, and then I'm like, 1.00

00:03:00.960 I can't get back there the next day to get it,

00:03:02.800 and then I'm working.

00:03:03.920 So I finally get there, and I didn't realize my door has no lock.

00:03:06.760 Someone stole it.

00:03:07.820 Uh-uh.

00:03:08.240 And I had to tell my mom.

00:03:09.460 She just crushed him.

00:03:11.200 And you never –

00:03:11.840 That's easy.

00:03:12.660 Did you ever go look for a duplicate of it to try and have it?

00:03:15.380 I didn't have any money, but, yeah, I mean,

00:03:16.960 I see him in those stores.

00:03:18.360 I just – I just waited, and then I bought her a house later. 1.00

00:03:22.500 Oh, damn. 0.99

00:03:22.960 Took a long time. 1.00

00:03:24.560 Yeah.

00:03:25.080 The old buying the mom a house is really the peak of showbiz 0.99

00:03:29.060 where you go, if I can go long enough and make enough

00:03:32.720 where I can get her a place.

00:03:34.560 If you're – you know, and your mom.

00:03:35.740 My mom is the best, so.

00:03:36.800 And are you paying – now, when you do that, do you pay –

00:03:39.340 you're buying the house outright?

00:03:40.460 There's no payment on it?

00:03:42.660 On this one, I bought it outright,

00:03:44.440 but first time I bought it something was a car.

00:03:48.160 I waited until I could get it outright because I didn't want another payment,

00:03:51.180 so I felt like I wasn't ready if I had to do all the payments.

00:03:54.640 I had a repo.

00:03:56.100 It is embarrassing when they go to your mom's house and jacket back. 0.98

00:03:59.680 Yeah, if a show gets canceled, you're like, damn, you're living there now? 0.95

00:04:03.300 My mom's like, someone stole my Jaguar. 0.98

00:04:05.180 I'm like, I wouldn't report it.

00:04:07.800 Best thing to do is not report it.

00:04:09.300 You haven't parked behind the house.

00:04:10.680 Yeah.

00:04:11.180 She doesn't even know.

00:04:12.260 Because it's repo, man, comes.

00:04:15.000 Yeah, dude, I've been getting nerfed, but this hair, for some reason,

00:04:17.340 it started to take over all my thoughts and everything.

00:04:19.380 It's like started to – so I'm going to get some taken out of the back.

00:04:22.920 They have this guy, Dr. K, in Beverly Hills,

00:04:24.660 and I'm going to get them taken out and put in.

00:04:26.200 Yeah, there's a lot of good guys.

00:04:27.480 They've got it down to a freaking science.

00:04:29.700 Yeah. 0.63

00:04:30.020 They have like a robot comes in.

00:04:32.080 But I can't say names, but there's people I know that do it.

00:04:36.040 But Johnny Farley, I will out him because he got about 100.

00:04:41.760 One of the Farley brothers?

00:04:42.740 Yeah, he's kind of like – he's kind of pretty much horseshoe balled.

00:04:46.760 You know, he got hit hard, but he went in there.

00:04:50.800 Dennis Miller used to say,

00:04:51.900 this guy's got more plugs than the last two minutes of Carson.

00:04:55.560 And so he put them in there, but they like grow straight in the air.

00:05:00.260 And so when I have him on the show, he just – he like spits on it

00:05:03.060 and makes it go straight up. 1.00

00:05:04.420 He looks like that fucking clown in It. 0.99

00:05:07.220 And Norm outed him the other night and said – 1.00

00:05:10.440 Oh, I saw that episode.

00:05:11.660 You see that?

00:05:12.120 And he's by the NASCAR.

00:05:13.580 Yeah.

00:05:13.800 He goes – right in the middle of the bit, we're doing some phony bit

00:05:16.840 where Johnny's the PA with Kurt Busch.

00:05:19.920 And then Norm goes, hey, Johnny, your plugs are really working it tonight.

00:05:23.800 And he just stops and goes, thanks, Norm.

00:05:27.460 I go, Johnny, get back to the bit.

00:05:30.060 Now his head is spinning going, you just tell everyone.

00:05:33.960 It was a plug.

00:05:34.400 That guy, I mean, yeah, but that guy, all he has is –

00:05:37.120 it's like 19 hairs.

00:05:38.460 It's almost like a fantasy lineup that he put into his head.

00:05:41.100 It looks like –

00:05:42.100 He's got the bare men skeleton crew in there.

00:05:46.860 I remember when I was –

00:05:47.660 It's definitely the night ship.

00:05:48.880 I was on SNL and I knew a guy there that got something way back.

00:05:52.340 And they were like four manhole covers they put on your head.

00:05:56.040 It was like each one had like 100 hairs.

00:05:58.280 So it was like a doll, you know.

00:05:59.980 But I think like girls with boob jobs, guys with hair, it's just mandatory at this point.

00:06:04.860 I mean, I'm still shocked girls do lips and no one's even embarrassed anymore. 0.97

00:06:09.700 They're just like, I'm doing fucking everything to claw and stay in my 20s or 30s or 40s or whatever it is. 0.95

00:06:15.900 Yeah. 0.97

00:06:16.140 I feel like sometimes that – all that stuff that the girls get makes them look older, you know.

00:06:22.200 Well, some of them makes them look a little lumpy.

00:06:24.580 Like they've been like a – not kind of in a – like a – you know, some lady's face could seem kind of uneven sometimes.

00:06:32.140 The older lady, sometimes their eyes will start to get – 1.00

00:06:35.380 Float a bit.

00:06:36.200 Yeah.

00:06:36.860 You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:06:37.940 Because it's like they sleep on their side and their eyes an inch higher and it doesn't settle until around noon.

00:06:42.560 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:06:43.380 Because on plastic, they're not allowed in the ocean.

00:06:45.440 There's so much plastic in their face.

00:06:47.220 If you want to catch them eye to eye, you got to hit them between 11 and 1 p.m.

00:06:51.580 And then they're like, it's even.

00:06:52.840 Oh, tilt the other way now.

00:06:54.860 I get it.

00:06:55.540 But I don't even really – you know, we make fun of it on the show of anybody.

00:06:58.780 But the truth is we do – I would do the same thing.

00:07:02.720 Was it nerve-wracking having Norm and – I felt anxious for you having Norm and Leno?

00:07:09.040 Because Norm is such a – it's like throwing dynamite in like a children's yard.

00:07:13.660 I checked ahead that Norm likes Leno.

00:07:18.060 And, you know, Leno is a great guy.

00:07:19.480 I've done his show a million times in the old days.

00:07:21.520 And he was a great comic.

00:07:22.840 He got on Letterman and was doing – I don't know if you remember because you're young.

00:07:26.040 But he was a guest on Letterman who was so funny and very edgy that Letterman, you know, put him on so much.

00:07:32.820 And then Carson put him on.

00:07:33.960 I think then he was guest hosting Carson.

00:07:35.420 Oh, wow.

00:07:35.980 I didn't know that.

00:07:36.780 But when he had to be a full host on Carson or took over, then he got a little bit of flack from comics for being – not like sellout.

00:07:45.460 You know, a little jealousy, but a little like – people were like – he had to tamper it down a bit, which you have to.

00:07:51.340 I mean, if he's on a network show.

00:07:53.980 Yeah.

00:07:54.620 So they gave him a little grief for that.

00:07:56.160 And then the whole Conan thing, which is hard.

00:07:58.640 You know, I didn't really take sides of that.

00:08:00.220 Leno's always been nice to me.

00:08:01.440 I love Conan.

00:08:02.860 So I tried to stay out of that one.

00:08:04.680 Doesn't really affect me.

00:08:06.540 And then Leno called me after about, you know, a week on the air to say I watch every show.

00:08:13.540 I love the jokes.

00:08:14.660 There's more jokes per minute, anything on TV.

00:08:17.940 The algorithm is great.

00:08:19.420 You don't talk about politics.

00:08:20.640 You don't get in that tense arguments.

00:08:22.540 You don't make people feel cringy watching, like, because you're for this.

00:08:25.680 Now they suddenly hate you.

00:08:26.780 And I said, that's the idea.

00:08:28.300 I mean, ideally, that's what we're trying to do. 1.00

00:08:30.660 I'm too stupid for politics. 0.99

00:08:32.120 I don't really want to get into it. 1.00

00:08:34.380 Everyone else is.

00:08:35.080 Everyone's better at it.

00:08:35.800 I got Trevor right before me and better at it. 0.99

00:08:38.000 So I just want to fuck around, have fun. 0.99

00:08:39.580 Like, it's almost a podcast. 0.99

00:08:41.640 It's like buddies hanging around and try to cram jokes in and make them look fluid.

00:08:46.840 And half of them are fluid because you don't know what the other guy's going to say.

00:08:49.200 So you just roll with it.

00:08:50.700 And then what we're getting to you is then Jay said, if you want me to come on, I'd love to.

00:08:55.700 And I said, of course.

00:08:56.380 You know, he's a guy that is just a joke machine.

00:08:59.040 That's what we need.

00:09:00.320 And then the idea of who do I put him with?

00:09:03.240 You almost don't need anyone.

00:09:05.140 Right.

00:09:05.360 That's what I was thinking.

00:09:06.200 I was like, wow, it's really nice of him also to go and just be, I mean, he's always going to be the top banana.

00:09:12.060 But to be just a, you know, a banana in the bunch.

00:09:14.160 And, you know, also, you know, in the comedy world, like if I see a comic on the road, when you're on the road, it's usually you talk to other comics.

00:09:22.080 You're like, oh, I know this guy.

00:09:23.760 Oh, yeah, he middled for me here.

00:09:25.340 Oh, I used to open for Dennis Miller. 1.00

00:09:27.080 You know, we all talk shit. 1.00

00:09:28.840 Just talk comedians. 1.00

00:09:30.220 So comedy is something where I could even walk up to Seinfeld in the old days.

00:09:35.260 And if you're a comic and you're on that list and you just tell someone you're a comic, they sort of treat you equally.

00:09:41.360 They're pretty cool.

00:09:42.200 Most comics, you're in the club with them and they're nice.

00:09:46.120 You know what I mean?

00:09:46.800 Like I try to be at the store.

00:09:49.360 There's guys that are doing better than me.

00:09:50.880 Guys are doing worse.

00:09:51.660 But you try to just treat everyone the same because you're all in the comedy world.

00:09:56.060 And we all know how hard it is. 0.96

00:09:57.960 We all know this guy could blow up fucking tomorrow and you could work for this guy the next day because it's just how it is. 0.99

00:10:03.360 That's crazy. 0.99

00:10:04.160 And now how tough the world is.

00:10:06.000 So I think Leno is old school saying, hey, you tell me.

00:10:09.080 You want me to sit on that panel with a bunch of comedians? 0.99

00:10:11.560 I'll sit with comedians and bullshit. 0.99

00:10:12.940 And I think he likes to be a comedian still. 0.99

00:10:15.020 Yeah.

00:10:15.380 And we.

00:10:17.780 Yeah, make him feel part of the group.

00:10:19.260 Yeah.

00:10:19.860 We have Martin Short coming up and I'm like, maybe put Maya Rudolph with him because she's funny and weird.

00:10:24.200 Maybe just have those two.

00:10:25.500 Yeah.

00:10:26.040 Because they goof around. 0.85

00:10:26.820 I might want to do a Q&A soon.

00:10:28.460 Have people ask from the crowd.

00:10:30.060 Oh, that'd be great.

00:10:30.680 Because it's just fun.

00:10:31.240 Me, Norm.

00:10:31.540 I want it to be longer.

00:10:32.660 I know.

00:10:33.280 You know what?

00:10:34.280 I think it feels fast, which is ultimately a compliment.

00:10:37.640 Right.

00:10:37.820 It's good.

00:10:38.180 Yeah.

00:10:38.420 Be good.

00:10:38.940 Be going.

00:10:39.440 Yeah.

00:10:39.600 Get it done.

00:10:40.220 Make people want more.

00:10:41.020 I think what it is, is like if I go on Alan, I'm probably doing 15 minutes out there,

00:10:44.720 you know, at least.

00:10:45.900 Sometimes longer.

00:10:46.700 Like, show go.

00:10:47.040 Just do the whole show.

00:10:47.940 Because I see why now.

00:10:49.980 It's relaxing for her.

00:10:51.920 She just goes, that was your weekend.

00:10:53.940 Lights a cigarette.

00:10:54.460 Then I'm like, anyway, I went to the Rolling Stones concert.

00:10:56.640 I just go on and on and on.

00:10:58.180 And she's like, okay, let's go to commercial.

00:11:00.420 That's better for her. 0.84

00:11:01.720 And I understand that.

00:11:02.980 And then, because sometimes doing the show as a host, which I've never hosted, I don't

00:11:07.760 want to go interview people, really. 0.98

00:11:09.100 I just want to shoot the shit with comics and laugh. 0.97

00:11:12.940 So, like, the hard part is they only get a little bit of time, you know, because it's 0.99

00:11:18.580 three people.

00:11:19.480 And you have three egos.

00:11:20.560 There's always a little ego when you're sitting there.

00:11:22.580 Sure.

00:11:22.940 And Chelsea, you know, Handler did it.

00:11:25.660 She did it well.

00:11:26.620 But I think she made herself sort of a traffic cop. 0.85

00:11:30.500 It's easier.

00:11:31.080 I mean, you just say, which I could see doing that.

00:11:33.620 You just go, you guys are the funny ones.

00:11:35.020 Like, just go.

00:11:35.620 I'm going to chirp in when I feel like it.

00:11:37.140 Yeah.

00:11:37.380 So, basically, here's the question.

00:11:40.100 What do you think of this?

00:11:40.900 And then they go.

00:11:42.360 And it'll, I'm sure, turn into some form of that.

00:11:44.880 But I like to throw in jokes now.

00:11:46.660 So, now it's like four people.

00:11:47.940 Right.

00:11:48.440 Yeah, because you're, yeah, you're a comedian, too.

00:11:49.940 It's not like you're sitting there.

00:11:50.680 It's not like you're chopped liver.

00:11:51.860 And so, we don't need.

00:11:53.340 That's an old term, too.

00:11:53.840 That's the decision.

00:11:54.980 I like chopped liver.

00:11:55.940 That's a good one.

00:11:56.480 Have you ever had it?

00:11:57.120 It's still out there.

00:11:58.360 No, but I just picture it.

00:11:59.620 It sounds gross.

00:12:00.740 People, I guess, hate it because everybody's like, it's always like the last thing people pick.

00:12:03.860 It gets a bad rap.

00:12:04.960 Yeah.

00:12:05.100 You know what else gets a bad rap?

00:12:07.880 Fish, when people go, this smells fishy.

00:12:11.480 Because I feel like bad for the fish because he goes, yeah, I'm a fish.

00:12:15.600 And they're like, oh, fishy is, by the way, the grossest thing you could smell.

00:12:18.960 And they're like, I am a fish.

00:12:21.380 Why is that gross?

00:12:22.440 I'm just smelling like.

00:12:23.240 Yeah, I'm on some of the best menus.

00:12:25.220 To other fishes, it's cool.

00:12:27.300 But to humans, they hate it.

00:12:28.840 Sometimes I wonder if fish are male or female when you're on my plate.

00:12:32.240 You know?

00:12:33.700 That doesn't always cross my mind.

00:12:35.080 Oh, you ask who?

00:12:36.400 The fish?

00:12:36.560 I'll ask the waiter.

00:12:37.340 Oh, okay.

00:12:37.720 And they'll be like, let me check.

00:12:39.500 And they never come back?

00:12:41.700 And someone quit working there sometimes at that point.

00:12:43.940 That's funny.

00:12:44.560 They should leave the building because they don't get that a lot, I'm sure. 1.00

00:12:48.560 They're like, fuck, man. 1.00

00:12:49.280 Are you eating fish dick? 1.00

00:12:51.100 How do you figure this out? 1.00

00:12:52.700 Yeah.

00:12:52.800 Maybe I was eating fish dicks instead of fish sticks as a kid.

00:12:55.220 Yeah, I just want to know.

00:12:56.040 I just want to make sure I'm not eating fish dicks, man.

00:13:00.000 Dude, fish sticks were good.

00:13:01.120 Remember them?

00:13:01.520 No. 0.99

00:13:02.500 I mean, in the lazy mom fucking dictionary. 0.99

00:13:05.640 It's so perfect. 0.99

00:13:06.740 Or the kids, you would have to make them yourself.

00:13:08.440 Did you ever have to make your own or your mom made them?

00:13:10.040 The greatest thing is you could be a lazy mom. 1.00

00:13:12.680 Mm-hmm.

00:13:13.640 And what you're doing is giving your kids a dream.

00:13:17.020 Like if she goes, all right, fish sticks.

00:13:19.300 And I'm like, she did it.

00:13:20.600 It's my birthday.

00:13:21.700 Yeah. 1.00

00:13:21.920 Meanwhile, she's like, fucking throw that goddamn cookie sheet in there. 1.00

00:13:24.640 Put eight of those bitches on there. 1.00

00:13:26.200 Dude, pizza rolls we had, fish sticks, the easiest shit. 1.00

00:13:29.420 And I loved it so much. 0.98

00:13:30.560 Well, pizza rolls isn't really a dinner.

00:13:31.800 I think fish sticks, at least you have that element of, you know, you got a protein.

00:13:34.980 Got one of your meals.

00:13:35.920 There's definitely fish in there.

00:13:37.100 One of the food groups.

00:13:38.080 Yeah. 1.00

00:13:38.600 Fucking 90% breading. 0.99

00:13:40.400 Yeah. 1.00

00:13:40.920 I like the fish.

00:13:41.920 I go to McDonald's and I go through the drive-thru and I go, what's the filet of fish of the day?

00:13:46.680 And they go, excuse me?

00:13:47.700 And I go, is it Branzino?

00:13:50.380 It's not swordfish again.

00:13:51.760 And they go, they just pause and I go, quarter pound with cheese.

00:13:55.040 They're like, okay, quarter pound with cheese.

00:13:56.400 They don't know what to say.

00:13:57.540 Like, dude, one thing about fish though is some of them have those little bones in it

00:14:01.560 and they never, they never act like they do.

00:14:05.800 You know what I'm talking about?

00:14:06.680 Like sometimes you'll get a part of the fish, you're like, oh, there's eight little bones

00:14:09.580 or something.

00:14:10.100 Grotesque.

00:14:10.420 Yeah.

00:14:10.580 The hard part about fish is I see them, first of all, when they bring the fish with the 0.98

00:14:14.780 head to the table, I'm fucking out. 0.98

00:14:16.700 Yeah. 0.99

00:14:16.880 I don't want to see them going, why me?

00:14:18.860 I thought we were friends.

00:14:20.180 That's very Jamaican.

00:14:21.220 I don't like that. 0.99

00:14:22.160 It's sickening.

00:14:23.120 I don't like eating the eyeball, which please call it a delicacy.

00:14:26.360 I mean, I like when they label it a delicacy.

00:14:28.560 You're not tricking me.

00:14:29.800 Well, dude, even when they give you the head, you don't eat the eyeball.

00:14:32.040 You just leave it in there.

00:14:33.060 I don't know.

00:14:33.480 Some people, like other countries, they think different parts are great.

00:14:37.720 Yeah. 0.99

00:14:38.240 I mean, I'm sure shit we eat is gross, but I'm used to it now. 0.99

00:14:41.940 I don't think I can start with some of the stuff they eat. 0.99

00:14:45.260 Yeah.

00:14:45.500 It's too late in the game.

00:14:47.020 Like I ate liverwurst as a kid and I liked it.

00:14:48.940 Somehow my mom snuck that in there and then I like it with mustard on toast.

00:14:53.560 But today I wouldn't start with liverwurst.

00:14:56.600 Yeah. 1.00

00:14:56.760 We used to get a cut of spam every now and then, a cut of hot spam and that shit was fire, 1.00

00:15:01.120 boy. 1.00

00:15:01.400 Sick. 0.94

00:15:01.620 Is it good? 0.95

00:15:02.120 I don't even know what it is.

00:15:03.120 Dude, it's real.

00:15:03.900 I mean, if you-

00:15:04.760 Is it food?

00:15:06.320 Yeah, man.

00:15:07.200 Is it outside the four food group?

00:15:09.000 I think it's definitely.

00:15:11.360 I would say it's orbiting.

00:15:13.940 Yeah.

00:15:14.180 Sin of a sin.

00:15:15.360 It was good, man.

00:15:16.680 I know.

00:15:17.040 You know, I used to get a horny for was devil's food because I heard commercials and it sounded

00:15:22.760 good, but I don't even know what it was.

00:15:24.300 Devil's food?

00:15:24.960 Yeah.

00:15:25.200 Have you ever heard of that?

00:15:26.700 Are you allowed to talk?

00:15:27.800 I am.

00:15:28.320 Okay.

00:15:28.860 Devil's food cake.

00:15:29.800 Yeah.

00:15:30.280 Well, there's devil's food cake.

00:15:31.480 What is, is devil's food something?

00:15:35.200 Devil's food is nothing.

00:15:36.660 It's nothing.

00:15:37.440 I think it's fire.

00:15:38.700 I was thinking of, not spam, but there's something also like, I'll get to it, but it's

00:15:44.240 sickening.

00:15:45.120 There was torp or something?

00:15:46.840 No, there was torp.

00:15:49.600 You know what I'm talking about?

00:15:50.540 I know, but I'm just thinking of all the gross foods they have.

00:15:53.200 Hog's head cheese was popular when I was young.

00:15:55.580 You'd go over there, so when we'd go at lunch, we'd go to the IGA and watch a lot of older

00:15:59.140 people sit down on a bench and eat it.

00:16:00.900 I like the scenario.

00:16:02.680 You put it in a setting.

00:16:04.240 And it would blow our minds, bro.

00:16:06.260 I would be-

00:16:07.520 And they'd shape it into a little hog, too, back in the day for you. 0.73

00:16:11.060 They'd shape it to what? 0.96

00:16:12.740 Into like a hog, into like a swine. 0.98

00:16:14.400 Oh, gross-er. 0.99

00:16:16.940 I had, my big thing was, this is why I'm malnutritioned and fucking barely alive, is that I grew up and 0.99

00:16:26.200 didn't have one fucking glass of water for about 22 years. 0.96

00:16:28.840 That wasn't really the thing. 0.99

00:16:30.620 Yeah, even in the desert.

00:16:32.240 Only if you're going to the desert, you bring a canteen.

00:16:34.600 But I didn't-

00:16:35.740 But if you lived there, that's crazy.

00:16:36.720 We weren't big on that.

00:16:37.840 And what it was, when you know more about food now, I woke up in the morning, went to school.

00:16:43.080 My mom went to work.

00:16:44.060 So I would eat cereal, which was like-

00:16:46.620 Yeah.

00:16:47.660 You know, fruity pebbles or something.

00:16:49.600 Yeah.

00:16:50.160 You could not lose.

00:16:51.680 You went to grab any of my cereal boxes.

00:16:53.740 Captain Crunch, 10 out of 10.

00:16:55.400 Wow. 0.99

00:16:55.800 Fucking King Vitamin. 0.99

00:16:57.040 That was an old one. 0.99

00:16:58.160 Apple Jacks.

00:16:59.100 Life, did you do that one too?

00:17:00.800 That's a 7 out of 10.

00:17:01.960 It wasn't sugary enough.

00:17:03.320 Right.

00:17:03.880 I need Count Chocula.

00:17:05.920 I need the basics, right?

00:17:06.820 Oh, wow.

00:17:07.700 And then I remember Seinfeld once said, cookie crisp is a-

00:17:10.660 Now it's just a bowl of cookies.

00:17:12.000 I mean, we gave up.

00:17:13.920 You're giving your kids a bowl of cookies.

00:17:16.460 So I'd go-

00:17:17.080 So that's all the sugar, right?

00:17:18.300 Right.

00:17:18.860 Drink the milk, whole thing.

00:17:20.080 Go to work.

00:17:20.840 I mean, go to school.

00:17:22.320 Got there early, grabbed some M&Ms or a cinnamon roll.

00:17:25.840 Oh, wow.

00:17:26.420 You're sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar.

00:17:28.680 Lunch, cheeseburger, fries, Coke.

00:17:31.780 And then at school, I blacked out once.

00:17:34.660 Our big thing was-

00:17:35.480 What do you mean by that?

00:17:36.160 Like I just blocked out at school playing basketball.

00:17:39.660 And then I went to the doctor, and then I blocked out again a couple days later.

00:17:43.180 And they said, you either have leukemia or low blood sugar.

00:17:47.000 And the bets were on, and I wound up with low blood sugar.

00:17:50.500 So I thought, do I need more sugar?

00:17:52.460 Yeah.

00:17:53.100 I think that would be what you need.

00:17:55.360 Yeah, they trick you.

00:17:57.040 So I ate more, passed out again.

00:17:58.880 And then I started drinking Diet Pepsi in high school, which was-

00:18:01.880 Oh, that's really-

00:18:02.940 A little fruity.

00:18:03.620 I mean, it's not-

00:18:04.200 Yeah, it's a little-

00:18:05.320 It's a little iffy.

00:18:06.780 Yeah, I couldn't even see a young man having a can of that.

00:18:08.920 Let's just say in high school, it didn't fly.

00:18:11.080 But I had to.

00:18:11.680 I couldn't eat sugar.

00:18:12.160 They said no more sugar. 0.99

00:18:13.120 I was like, you are fucking kidding me. 0.99

00:18:15.160 So it must have been nerd alert where kids like, Jesus, this dude's a straight- 0.99

00:18:18.280 Not a drill.

00:18:19.660 Boop.

00:18:20.280 Major nerd alert affecting all four counties in Arizona.

00:18:24.240 All the other schools heard about it.

00:18:26.020 So I'm sitting there eating, but I still would have like, I only have 10 cookies today.

00:18:31.740 Like this is, I was cutting back.

00:18:33.340 But my body was not getting any nutrition. 0.99

00:18:35.660 When we were eating good food at night, I swear to God, it was fucking lean cuisine. 0.97

00:18:39.460 That was our big thing. 0.98

00:18:39.860 Oh, yeah.

00:18:40.420 Which today would probably make me sick.

00:18:43.060 Because it's a Ziploc of gloop.

00:18:45.360 Yeah.

00:18:45.760 With a gloppy, you know, like chicken in it.

00:18:47.980 It has salt in it.

00:18:48.940 It has good salt in it.

00:18:49.940 It has a lot of good salts.

00:18:51.380 What's good salt?

00:18:53.200 Is it really the good kind of salt, or is it just salt?

00:18:55.580 Definitely, man.

00:18:56.160 My mom had one last night, dude.

00:18:57.720 I couldn't even talk to her.

00:18:58.680 She was wolfing that. 0.96

00:18:59.820 I want a lean cuisine.

00:19:01.320 No, she had a turkey TV dinner.

00:19:03.340 So every now and then, she likes to get a little TV dinner over there.

00:19:06.840 Where's your mom? 0.97

00:19:07.460 Is she around?

00:19:08.080 Yeah, she lives in Tucson.

00:19:09.440 Oh, that's right.

00:19:09.980 You said Tucson.

00:19:10.400 So she's out there.

00:19:11.360 Dude, I used to live in Tucson.

00:19:12.360 We had a mailman when I lived there. 0.99

00:19:13.840 He would drive by late, off hours, bro, and fucking furious at his wife. 1.00

00:19:18.900 He'd always be yelling shit about her, even though she wasn't in the mail truck, and fucking 1.00

00:19:22.740 throw the mail out of the yard. 1.00

00:19:23.860 Oh, and he'd be mad at you?

00:19:25.020 Yeah.

00:19:25.360 Or just anybody.

00:19:26.100 Just throwing the mail out into the yard, not even using the box.

00:19:29.580 I love angry.

00:19:30.840 You know, the kids today.

00:19:31.960 I guess we do still have mailmen.

00:19:34.020 I forgot.

00:19:34.380 Yeah, but now I feel like it's just somebody that kids, everybody reports them always as

00:19:37.680 like pedophiles, predators. 0.52

00:19:39.420 It's like. 0.98

00:19:40.020 They don't get a good rap out there.

00:19:41.400 If you're still like, yeah, traveling around doing stuff, everybody.

00:19:44.480 Like, I saw a guy yesterday, and he was just like a construction worker, and I was like,

00:19:49.920 oh, man, that guy might be a sexual predator, you know, for no reason other than the fact 0.97

00:19:53.540 that. 0.99

00:19:54.240 He has an oddball job or something.

00:19:55.860 Yeah, that he's just gainfully employed.

00:19:57.360 Yeah.

00:19:58.180 And like working hard.

00:19:59.120 Or what about all those jobs where they get around kids?

00:20:00.880 It's like a bonanza.

00:20:02.200 What if you're a wrestling coach in high school? 0.99

00:20:03.940 You know, you just wrestle kids and slap money ass all day. 0.98

00:20:07.880 You never know. 0.99

00:20:08.820 That's like volleyball coach.

00:20:11.500 Oh, volleyball coach, you're getting busted.

00:20:13.420 Yeah.

00:20:13.600 There's no way you're being around all those chicks, or not chicks, young girls, you know

00:20:18.060 who.

00:20:18.200 All those jobs where, I mean, gymnastics, I think they're onto that one, but you just,

00:20:23.860 I just look back and go.

00:20:25.160 How could you not?

00:20:25.700 There's so many pervs.

00:20:27.380 Yeah.

00:20:27.920 I remember like.

00:20:28.960 We had pervs, dude. 0.65

00:20:29.920 We had a couple of pervs at our school, and half of them went to jail.

00:20:32.740 I think my friend's a child molester, you know, but I want to get more data before

00:20:38.540 I hand them in, because it's only a hunch right now.

00:20:41.120 Yeah.

00:20:41.700 I went to his house.

00:20:42.560 He's watching the Little League World Series.

00:20:44.360 Oh, yeah.

00:20:44.860 I go, oh, I don't like it, you know.

00:20:46.720 And then I tried to get him out.

00:20:47.780 I go, are you, one of you, you know, one of the kids?

00:20:50.280 And he goes, no.

00:20:51.440 He goes, but look at those calves, man.

00:20:53.320 These are athletes.

00:20:54.440 I go, they're not really.

00:20:55.440 They're 12.

00:20:56.440 Yeah, and you can't see their calves.

00:20:57.580 Either a lot of them have long pants.

00:20:58.800 Yeah, no, he's just dreaming about it, I think.

00:21:00.760 Yeah, that's just guessing.

00:21:02.240 You're just kind of guessing leg muscle.

00:21:03.760 But I will tell you, I can honestly say little girls, little kids are cute, just cute.

00:21:09.440 Yeah.

00:21:09.820 And that's extinct.

00:21:11.380 You cannot say that.

00:21:12.700 You see anybody with their kid, and they got a seven-year-old, and I go, oh, your daughter's

00:21:17.820 cute.

00:21:18.200 They're like, huh?

00:21:18.640 And then they, like, shuffle them, like, what are you doing, huh?

00:21:21.620 Like, I'm King Creepo.

00:21:22.840 Yeah.

00:21:23.060 You've got to say handsome.

00:21:23.940 You've got to say there's a very handsome child.

00:21:25.260 That's bad, too.

00:21:26.720 Oh, you say handsome to a girl.

00:21:28.100 To the girl, yeah.

00:21:28.880 I'll be like, wow, it's a handsome, you know, kid.

00:21:31.220 Hopefully, it's an adult soon.

00:21:32.240 I'll say that.

00:21:32.540 It's hard.

00:21:33.280 It's hard, because, you know, I want to say, hey, listen, I'm no child monster.

00:21:38.020 But believe me, I'm not starting with your kid.

00:21:40.860 She's not that great.

00:21:42.200 I'll start with that kid I saw at the carnival three nights ago with the short pants on.

00:21:45.500 That's number one.

00:21:46.180 I'll start with a nice Latino kid. 0.90

00:21:47.640 The slick back hair.

00:21:49.120 Your kid is down the waiver wire.

00:21:50.660 I'm telling you. 1.00

00:21:51.440 Yeah, I'm not starting with this pasty little fuck. 1.00

00:21:53.640 She's no JonBenet, no offense. 0.99

00:21:56.720 What do you think happened with JonBenet?

00:21:59.440 Let's go.

00:22:00.260 Why do I love anything about JonBenet?

00:22:02.640 I just, it's too.

00:22:03.600 Well, first of all, I feel like you and her almost have a, there's something about you guys,

00:22:07.700 both kind of petite. 0.99

00:22:09.420 Nice hair.

00:22:10.740 Talented.

00:22:11.320 Talented.

00:22:12.260 Showman.

00:22:13.240 Showman.

00:22:14.160 Showmanship.

00:22:14.400 Working through the test, like standing the, you know, the test of time, kind of like

00:22:18.700 continuing to stay relevant.

00:22:20.740 That's true. 0.95

00:22:21.420 JonBenet is still more famous than me, which sucks.

00:22:24.240 But I was a little, I'm a Yankee doodle dandy.

00:22:27.280 I was a little bit of that, a little look at me kid.

00:22:30.320 Were you really?

00:22:31.060 Attention seeker.

00:22:31.900 Did you do any, you didn't do chorus or anything at school, did you?

00:22:35.500 Because that is really.

00:22:36.300 No, I was straight.

00:22:37.340 But what happened was, no, I was, I think because my dad left us when I was four, I

00:22:41.560 look back to think, is that why I was always like.

00:22:46.800 Entertaining?

00:22:47.320 Yes.

00:22:47.700 Thinking maybe he'd see you? 0.88

00:22:48.760 Gross. 0.76

00:22:49.240 I don't know. 0.67

00:22:49.920 That's a good angle though.

00:22:52.380 Because I used to get, throw fits.

00:22:54.280 I had a bad temper and I'd smash trophies in my room.

00:22:58.360 This is just. 0.92

00:22:58.920 Look at this white, and I don't even know if that's white privilege, bro. 0.52

00:23:01.560 That's just, well, what is it?

00:23:02.560 You're smashing your trophies out of sheer anger.

00:23:04.360 First of all, no one buys that I had any trophies.

00:23:06.820 I had one trophy.

00:23:08.420 I had a participation trophy. 0.99

00:23:10.120 Dude, I got a trophy one time, it was a plaque, and they misspelled half the shit on 0.98

00:23:13.260 it from our school. 1.00

00:23:14.140 And I was like, fuck. 1.00

00:23:14.960 And that was your big break? 1.00

00:23:16.140 Yeah. 0.98

00:23:16.340 And they fucked it up. 0.99

00:23:17.320 And I lost the spelling bee to a girl in fifth grade who got pregnant. 1.00

00:23:22.720 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:23:24.000 Swear to God. 1.00

00:23:25.360 This girl named Helena, Big Helena, I think was her full name, bro.

00:23:29.480 And dude, nobody thought she could spell, nobody thought she could even speak.

00:23:32.360 No one thought she could get knocked up either.

00:23:34.220 That's true.

00:23:34.860 Jesus.

00:23:35.400 So she was a real overcomer, dude. 0.99

00:23:37.320 Or just someone who accepted cum, you know? 0.98

00:23:40.060 And she, sorry about that part. 0.59

00:23:42.100 My trophy was for the shortest first in school, I think.

00:23:45.500 No way.

00:23:46.180 No, it wasn't a trophy.

00:23:47.060 But I got one for Little League just for being on some team, but I broke it.

00:23:50.380 My mom was like, oh.

00:23:52.140 It broke her heart?

00:23:53.020 Yeah, because I think I was mad when my dad left.

00:23:55.360 I think. 0.77

00:23:56.280 I look back, why was I so fucking mad all the time? 0.97

00:23:58.500 You probably have to be. 0.97

00:23:59.300 If you're a kid, that's all.

00:24:00.200 Yeah, you'd have to be.

00:24:01.660 Dude, it's funny sometimes I think that.

00:24:04.780 I interrupted you though.

00:24:05.940 You were just talking about the girl that got knocked up.

00:24:08.140 Oh, Helena.

00:24:09.260 I don't know what she's doing now.

00:24:10.260 You guys still stay in touch or no?

00:24:12.000 No, dude.

00:24:12.540 Not on Facebook.

00:24:12.780 I lost on Inconvenience and I should have had it and I still can't stop.

00:24:15.300 Oh, you did?

00:24:15.980 Yeah.

00:24:16.160 I lost. 1.00

00:24:18.280 I went to state and I thought I was king fucking cock. 1.00

00:24:22.120 I walked into state finals like this, like some Indian kid. 1.00

00:24:26.540 I walked up there. 0.78

00:24:27.640 I got smoked on the first word.

00:24:29.460 Nuh-uh.

00:24:29.740 They go, apparatus.

00:24:31.860 I go, easy.

00:24:36.200 A-P-P. 1.00

00:24:37.120 They go, bing, gone. 0.99

00:24:38.300 I go, no, no.

00:24:40.200 You can't change it.

00:24:41.560 I tried to change it in the middle.

00:24:43.980 Wow.

00:24:44.460 And I slinked.

00:24:45.040 Oh, you can't change it.

00:24:45.880 Once you put a letter, that was it.

00:24:47.040 Yeah, I think so.

00:24:47.880 Back in my AZ strict rules.

00:24:50.240 But yeah, the rules were a lot stricter then.

00:24:52.420 What did you lose?

00:24:53.160 Inconvenience?

00:24:53.560 That's a tough one.

00:24:54.080 I lost Inconvenience.

00:24:54.860 Yeah, I just, and I was showboating up there.

00:24:57.320 Everybody was watching, dude.

00:24:58.860 Finally, a couple chicks looked up from whatever they were like, you know, the love letters 0.99

00:25:02.960 they were writing to my friend Scott.

00:25:04.540 Not quite as drenched as you thought they'd be because you could almost spell Inconvenience.

00:25:08.820 Yeah.

00:25:09.920 Nobody cared. 0.99

00:25:10.760 And then big Helena fucking shook me. 1.00

00:25:13.720 She comes up and breaks her water. 0.99

00:25:16.000 She got that of all words?

00:25:19.160 I was like, you gotta be kidding me, man. 0.82

00:25:21.000 She should have got abortion. 1.00

00:25:23.000 Yeah, that would have been crazy. 0.91

00:25:25.280 And dude, she was built like an adult though. 1.00

00:25:27.480 Like, that's one thing you don't see anymore. 1.00

00:25:28.840 Like, when I was younger, they had children that were built like fucking adults, man. 0.98

00:25:32.380 You know, we had kids who wore like, we had kids who came to school with just oil stains 0.99

00:25:36.280 on them.

00:25:36.600 Like, they were ready.

00:25:38.260 Tats.

00:25:38.660 They're ready to throw down.

00:25:39.480 Ready to go to work as soon as-

00:25:40.360 Oh yeah, go right to a garage. 0.96

00:25:41.940 Yeah.

00:25:42.540 Like, undeniable.

00:25:43.740 Like, half the kids would leave school and go to work somewhere.

00:25:46.360 Even at young ages, it seemed like.

00:25:48.440 And now these kids, you know, it's just different.

00:25:50.680 There's crying meetups.

00:25:52.900 Crying meetups.

00:25:53.740 We should have one of those.

00:25:55.340 Yeah.

00:25:55.580 I mean, Sebastian said at the end of the VMAs that they had a room, if anybody was triggered,

00:25:58.960 they had a room backstage for people that-

00:26:00.680 Triggered!

00:26:01.340 Yeah.

00:26:01.900 Oh, he must have had a field day with that one.

00:26:03.300 That were alarmed.

00:26:03.980 I remember when Sebastian was doing that, I almost wanted to say to him, I don't know

00:26:06.600 him well enough.

00:26:07.180 I do like the guy.

00:26:08.740 Because there's no way to say it, but I did Teen Choice once I hosted, and I wrote for Dana

00:26:13.160 at the VMAs.

00:26:14.740 And it's just a tough room. 0.99

00:26:16.220 I mean, they don't give a fuck. 0.99

00:26:18.180 If you're over 22, I even just presented at the MTV Awards with Aubrey Plaza, and she's 0.99

00:26:26.400 like, what's our bit? 0.98

00:26:27.160 I'm like, Aubrey, you're funny, and no one gives a fuck. 0.99

00:26:31.280 We can give our best shit out there. 1.00

00:26:33.480 They don't care. 1.00

00:26:34.380 Nobody cares.

00:26:34.560 So they had some guy, this guy Noah, he's a good-looking dude from one of the movies

00:26:39.240 that Kills on Netflix or something.

00:26:41.700 He's got trillions of followers.

00:26:43.340 I couldn't walk right past him.

00:26:45.120 I had no idea.

00:26:45.520 Noah.

00:26:45.780 From the Bible, I know, and Trevor Noah, the two Noahs I know. 0.99

00:26:48.680 Yeah, this Noah is fucking- 0.99

00:26:49.620 And Noah Syndergaard. 0.99

00:26:50.480 Bigger than both, all three.

00:26:52.700 He goes out there, and every chick is like, it was bananas. 1.00

00:26:57.660 It was Beatles.

00:26:58.720 He couldn't even do any, and he did some, then he sat on the floor, and they thought that

00:27:03.560 it was hysterical. 0.97

00:27:04.180 I'm like, this guy's out of fucking jokes already, but he could not do no wrong, and 0.98

00:27:08.880 then these girls were just like, it was Katrina. 0.99

00:27:11.240 They were all fucking sliding off their seats, and they were, you know, teenagers. 0.97

00:27:15.060 I shouldn't say that. 0.99

00:27:16.120 They were some adults.

00:27:16.960 18 years old. 0.82

00:27:17.500 Yeah, they were 18, and they were horny for him.

00:27:19.220 Just turned 18, yeah.

00:27:20.020 Then he finally leaves, and they introduce us, ladies and gentlemen, basically children, 1.00

00:27:24.640 would you please welcome these two fucking assholes? 1.00

00:27:27.520 So we walk out. 1.00

00:27:28.320 They could not give a fuck. 1.00

00:27:29.520 They were all mad. 0.99

00:27:30.280 Their faces are like, wait, he's still in the building. 1.00

00:27:32.640 Why the fuck are you, wait, we're still applauding. 0.99

00:27:35.720 We still are creaming over this guy. 1.00

00:27:37.340 Why are you, ugh, ugh, and then we start talking. 1.00

00:27:39.700 They're like, no, and then I'm like, hey, Aubrey, blah, blah, and they're like, shut the fuck 1.00

00:27:44.940 up. 0.99

00:27:45.520 They hate us, and they're blocking me on Instagram.

00:27:49.380 This guy just ruined it.

00:27:50.280 They find you just to block you.

00:27:52.300 Who are you?

00:27:53.420 How do you spell it?

00:27:54.220 Unblock. 0.61

00:27:55.660 Well, where, you know, excuse me.

00:27:58.900 I know you're, I was just talking with David Spade, but now I got to tell you that the

00:28:02.660 holidays are coming.

00:28:03.860 It's that time of year. 1.00

00:28:05.200 If you go, if you go look around your buddy's house and look far, far away, get some binoculars,

00:28:09.760 you might see a reindeer.

00:28:11.000 You might see a pumpkin.

00:28:11.920 You might see Cinderella.

00:28:13.500 And I know it's crazy.

00:28:14.620 It's crazy early to talk about the holidays, but you want to have that nice photo ready

00:28:20.500 smile.

00:28:21.560 Well, then you got to start now.

00:28:22.700 And it's easier than ever with clear aligners from Candid.

00:28:27.900 Candid's aligners can help you straighten your teeth faster than traditional wire braces.

00:28:33.040 Wire braces?

00:28:34.480 What are you keeping sheep in your mouth?

00:28:36.100 No.

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00:28:40.480 Think about your grill, man.

00:28:42.140 And think about it looking great.

00:28:44.440 An experienced orthodontist who is licensed in your state creates a custom treatment plan.

00:28:48.800 Then they show you a 3D preview so you can see how your teeth will look after you're done.

00:28:55.280 Candid's aligners are comfortable, removable, and completely invisible.

00:28:58.360 You can't see them.

00:28:59.540 It's like a magic power in your mouth.

00:29:01.440 And with each aligner purchased, Candid donates $25 to Smile Train, who brings safe, 100% free

00:29:07.380 cleft lip and palate treatment to children around the globe.

00:29:12.020 Beautiful.

00:29:13.000 So get your photo ready smile now and be ready for the holidays.

00:29:17.480 You want to grin at somebody.

00:29:18.540 Grin at your friend.

00:29:19.480 Grin at your uncle.

00:29:20.640 You might even be dating somebody in your family.

00:29:22.980 Grin at them.

00:29:23.640 It starts with a smile and ends with maybe love.

00:29:27.000 Go to CandidCo.com slash Theo and use code Theo for $75 off.

00:29:34.360 That's CandidCo.com slash Theo for $75 off.

00:29:41.580 CandidCo.com slash Theo.

00:29:45.460 And now back to the episode.

00:29:47.040 Dude, your Instagram is, you do, if people don't know, you do some of the best Bachelor

00:29:53.000 coverage.

00:29:54.940 I know.

00:29:55.680 On IG, man.

00:29:56.720 It's not helping my straight case.

00:29:58.420 No.

00:29:58.700 Well, actually, the funny thing was, I remember when you invited me over to watch The Bachelor.

00:30:01.620 Oh, yeah.

00:30:01.820 The Bachelorette.

00:30:02.720 Oh, we had a blast.

00:30:03.480 And then, yeah, no, we had a blast, definitely.

00:30:05.380 You also, I had to sit on the sofa.

00:30:07.360 You sat behind me in a chair.

00:30:10.820 I didn't want you to think I was making any moves.

00:30:13.140 Oh, I didn't think that, bro.

00:30:14.620 Except for murder, maybe.

00:30:16.900 And you're like, why do I need to run?

00:30:19.500 I'm in a Pennywise costume.

00:30:20.780 Yeah, it's like, why do I throw a so sick air? 0.99

00:30:23.460 No, it was because my fucking back. 0.99

00:30:25.260 I can't sit on that couch. 1.00

00:30:26.640 Well, dude, then don't let other people sit on it in front of you like that.

00:30:29.500 I should tell people.

00:30:30.420 Listen.

00:30:30.740 Yeah, just tell them a little more.

00:30:31.660 You probably won't get killed, yeah.

00:30:33.240 Oh, because I didn't know you that good.

00:30:34.520 That's right.

00:30:34.820 No, and it was just like, all right.

00:30:36.680 And I was like one of those creepy kids in the movies that walks with my knees go the wrong way.

00:30:42.260 And I'm like, don't mind me. 1.00

00:30:43.580 And you're like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:30:45.060 You know, if I see a movie, first of all, I never see scary movies. 0.99

00:30:47.740 If I see like a little girl in a dress who's like 10 and she has black hair on her face 0.99

00:30:51.680 and she walks with her knees go the wrong way, the joints, I'm out. 0.98

00:30:56.640 There's not a fucking chance I'm seeing that movie. 0.88

00:30:58.900 Oh, she's from outside of the city limits, too. 0.98

00:31:00.500 We got a question right here that came in from the young lady.

00:31:01.800 Oh, we have a question?

00:31:02.820 Mm-hmm.

00:31:04.000 How does this happen?

00:31:06.240 They sent them in.

00:31:07.120 We let them know they were going to come in yesterday.

00:31:08.840 Oh.

00:31:09.320 Oh, we need headphones for this, huh, Nick?

00:31:10.700 Yeah, yep.

00:31:11.000 Oh, sure.

00:31:11.280 Okay, go ahead.

00:31:12.720 It's a complicated show.

00:31:15.040 David Spade is a fan of The Bachelor.

00:31:17.740 And my question for him is, if you could change the format, be the new Chris Harrison, mix things up,

00:31:24.640 what would you do to change it?

00:31:26.480 What was her name?

00:31:27.280 Do you remember?

00:31:27.740 Shelby.

00:31:28.340 Shelby.

00:31:28.820 She didn't say it.

00:31:29.580 Shelby.

00:31:30.320 Very beautiful, of-age girl, too.

00:31:32.700 She was very calm in her question.

00:31:34.380 Yeah.

00:31:34.700 She wasn't fanning out, which I sort of wanted.

00:31:38.840 I want her to go, oh, my God, I can't even think of my question.

00:31:41.140 It's David Spade.

00:31:41.960 Yeah.

00:31:42.320 I'm so nervous.

00:31:43.960 I'm so nervous to tape this that he might see one.

00:31:47.200 So The Bachelor, I do like.

00:31:50.180 What do you like about it? 1.00

00:31:50.880 Just for the stupidity of, I don't know. 1.00

00:31:52.280 Yeah. 1.00

00:31:52.400 You know, it's got cute girls. 1.00

00:31:53.780 It's just fun to make fun of everyone.

00:31:55.700 Oh, yeah.

00:31:55.960 That's why I like it, too, actually.

00:31:57.300 And every girl knows about it.

00:31:58.880 So if you talk about it, they have something to talk about.

00:32:00.900 Yeah, it's something in common with it.

00:32:01.720 And they're all single girls. 0.65

00:32:04.440 And 29 of them are losing.

00:32:06.120 So you go, well, you're going to run into them at Pizza Hut.

00:32:09.780 And they're like, well, you don't have a boyfriend.

00:32:11.600 So at least it's not like you're creeping on some married show.

00:32:14.560 Yeah.

00:32:14.860 Look at all these hot married girls. 1.00

00:32:16.640 So it's just more for comedy and fodder.

00:32:20.000 But I think, I don't know what I would change, because they obviously have it wired.

00:32:25.020 I do like this new situation, which you wouldn't know, where there's a guy named Tyler.

00:32:29.820 He's like a, I remember going, this guy's too good looking.

00:32:32.140 He's on The Bachelor.

00:32:33.640 He's vying for the one girl, Hannah.

00:32:36.300 I think he's going to win it all, because he's just good looking.

00:32:38.200 But he's a bit of a dud, but it's never stopped any guy from getting laid, right?

00:32:44.020 So he doesn't get picked.

00:32:46.780 He's the third runner-up.

00:32:48.240 So they go, he's going to be the next Bachelor.

00:32:50.200 And then in this new crazy world, Gigi Hadid says, this guy's high.

00:32:54.380 Wow.

00:32:55.420 And so now they're dating.

00:32:56.320 Now they're dating.

00:32:57.080 No.

00:32:57.760 And guess what?

00:32:58.580 Not only dating, they're dating every second of every day.

00:33:01.340 You know, couples are like Velcro monkeys, like shoom, like just together right away, like magnets. 0.61

00:33:05.720 He went to her grandma's funeral with her.

00:33:07.580 Went to her grandma's funeral.

00:33:08.660 Whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:33:09.680 And so.

00:33:10.460 That's very Native American, too.

00:33:12.200 My thing is, first of all, these guys that have so much free time.

00:33:17.880 So a girl likes you. 0.99

00:33:18.560 You fly to New York, or whatever.

00:33:20.320 I don't know where he lives. 0.99

00:33:21.300 And you don't leave her fucking side. 0.99

00:33:22.540 Do you have one thing to do in the last six weeks you've been with her? 1.00

00:33:26.600 A haircut.

00:33:28.180 A dentist appointment.

00:33:29.300 Yeah. 1.00

00:33:29.860 I have shit to do.

00:33:30.800 Yeah, you used to remember something you left somewhere. 0.99

00:33:32.380 Yeah, you can go, hey, I can see you this afternoon, this morning.

00:33:34.660 I got a couple of things I got to do.

00:33:35.460 I got to work out, whatever. 1.00

00:33:36.420 No, he has 24 hours a fucking day. 0.99

00:33:39.820 Obviously not a job. 0.99

00:33:41.120 Yeah.

00:33:41.620 They never have jobs.

00:33:42.560 They always quit the job to go on a bachelor.

00:33:43.920 To go on a bachelor.

00:33:44.440 Yeah.

00:33:44.580 This is Stedman.

00:33:45.300 This is like the new Stedman.

00:33:46.440 Yeah.

00:33:46.660 And look at it.

00:33:47.020 He's hot, though.

00:33:47.740 Wow.

00:33:47.920 He's on the left of it.

00:33:48.460 Now, he is very handsome.

00:33:49.420 I will say that.

00:33:50.040 He looked good at that funeral.

00:33:50.620 Look at him.

00:33:51.060 He could have, yeah.

00:33:52.580 He almost wished the grandmother was alive to get a good look at him.

00:33:54.920 He said the grandma was in the coffin, and he saw the roses.

00:33:57.700 He goes, when is she going to give them out?

00:33:59.220 Because he didn't know anything else.

00:34:00.560 He doesn't know anything else.

00:34:02.440 He goes, if I get one, I'm going to reject it.

00:34:05.180 Oh, now this is intense.

00:34:06.720 There you go.

00:34:08.280 Dude, he is ripped.

00:34:10.120 Do you think men are more handsome since you have gotten older, or when you were younger?

00:34:14.480 I didn't know what good-looking guys were growing up.

00:34:17.960 I couldn't tell.

00:34:18.660 Now, when you get all the data of what girls like, you can start to say, oh, this guy's 1.00

00:34:23.540 handsome.

00:34:24.340 I never look waist down, though.

00:34:26.580 You don't do that.

00:34:28.120 I don't?

00:34:29.440 No, I don't.

00:34:30.080 Yeah, I don't either.

00:34:31.320 I'll look at this picture of this man, but I will only, like, my eyes can't even focus.

00:34:35.160 I never knew that part, because a girl I went out with said, about two years ago, she

00:34:39.820 goes, I saw Harry Styles.

00:34:41.040 And then she goes, look at this picture of him.

00:34:42.280 And I go, right?

00:34:42.820 He's in a suit. 1.00

00:34:43.380 And she goes, where's his dick? 1.00

00:34:44.760 I go, what do you mean? 1.00

00:34:46.220 She goes, look where his dick is. 1.00

00:34:47.620 You can't even see it sticking out. 1.00

00:34:48.720 I go, why would his dick be popping out of his pants? 1.00

00:34:51.280 She goes, all I do is look at guys' dicks all day in their pants. 1.00

00:34:54.720 I go, fucking A, really? 1.00

00:34:56.220 I go, no one's, my dick's not doing anything in the day. 1.00

00:34:58.400 Like, I'm getting screwed on that deal, because I don't want to walk around slapping together 1.00

00:35:02.820 a half a rod just so some chick might look for it. 1.00

00:35:06.120 You know what I mean?

00:35:06.440 Oh, I've done that before.

00:35:07.360 I'll sneak off before I go in a busy room and just kind of shake it up a little. 0.98

00:35:10.520 Maybe if there's some shit going on like that. 0.99

00:35:12.140 Just like you're mixing a fucking milkshake, but you don't have a blender. 0.99

00:35:14.220 I'm walking out of the Emmys, am I? 1.00

00:35:15.860 Oh, yeah.

00:35:16.940 Get a couple cc's of plasma out there. 0.99

00:35:18.840 Fucking fluff that muffin, dude. 1.00

00:35:20.800 Fucking slamming it in the door backstage. 1.00

00:35:22.980 Oh, dude, I remember one time I was on this cruise ship, and I was trying to get an erection, 1.00

00:35:26.900 and this girl was a real fucking land animal, you know? 1.00

00:35:30.780 And I literally was, like, whacking my wiener against the wall trying to get blood into the end. 1.00

00:35:36.500 Oh, God.

00:35:37.540 God, I still remember that, too.

00:35:38.720 I'm the worst, man.

00:35:39.260 I was in India.

00:35:40.240 I'm, like, a one-trick pony.

00:35:41.940 They're, like, let's, everyone thinks I'm, like, whatever.

00:35:44.880 I don't know what they think, but.

00:35:46.240 Well, everybody thinks, yeah, you're definitely just Casanova. 1.00

00:35:48.420 Before we get into that, though, I want to talk a little bit more.

00:35:50.080 What else would you do about the bouncer?

00:35:51.120 Anything else?

00:35:51.920 Because I know, I mean, you have such a.

00:35:53.240 Oh, because I kind of screwed her on that question.

00:35:54.040 I could almost see.

00:35:55.120 Harrison, first of all, will never give the job up.

00:35:57.140 He is low-key.

00:35:58.500 By the way.

00:35:58.720 He's seeing half of these women. 0.92

00:36:00.500 Oh, I mean, and they have nothing to that island but sneak into his room.

00:36:04.680 Yeah.

00:36:04.900 He's on the island, too.

00:36:06.020 So, he's, I mean, it is boring because, you know, they pull him out for three minutes a day 0.98

00:36:11.520 and he has to wear a suit and all that shit. 0.94

00:36:13.880 But I wonder if he's allowed to mingle and hang out. 0.99

00:36:17.180 There must be rules.

00:36:17.700 But he gets all their numbers.

00:36:18.780 I mean, he's got all their IGs.

00:36:20.160 He's DMing up a frenzy.

00:36:22.020 I can't even imagine.

00:36:22.480 I don't think he's married.

00:36:23.620 And then he goes to Bachelor Island.

00:36:25.360 Then he does it there.

00:36:26.100 He came on our show and he was cool.

00:36:27.660 He's a great guy. 0.99

00:36:28.320 He was cool as shit. 0.98

00:36:28.680 I interviewed him a couple years ago. 0.98

00:36:29.420 Were you on the show with him?

00:36:30.800 He was awesome.

00:36:31.500 Was it me, you, and Kaylee Cuco?

00:36:33.180 No.

00:36:33.760 What show were you on?

00:36:34.640 Is she divorced again yet or no?

00:36:36.460 No.

00:36:37.500 They don't live together, though.

00:36:39.440 No, that I like.

00:36:40.420 Isn't that interesting?

00:36:41.560 I think it's a new thing.

00:36:42.200 I've been trying to pitch that.

00:36:43.260 I think it's true because, I mean, go ahead.

00:36:45.860 I'm sorry.

00:36:46.200 We're getting away from her question.

00:36:47.200 But Kaylee was on my second show.

00:36:50.580 You were on really early.

00:36:51.580 I was on the second show.

00:36:53.200 And it wasn't Kaylee?

00:36:54.280 Uh-uh.

00:36:54.660 She was on, I think, the next day.

00:36:56.280 He was on with Jen Kirkman and another female comic. 0.98

00:36:59.980 Oh, look at fucking Greggy Google over there. 0.99

00:37:03.020 He's got it, bro. 0.99

00:37:03.760 Well, he's better than Adam Eagot.

00:37:05.460 Look at Colin calls in.

00:37:06.620 You see that last night?

00:37:07.380 We've actually got some voice questions from Adam Eagot as well.

00:37:10.180 We do?

00:37:10.740 Mm-hmm.

00:37:11.000 We have questions from Adam for us.

00:37:13.720 Yeah, dude.

00:37:14.280 I got it.

00:37:14.900 You do?

00:37:15.320 Mm-hmm.

00:37:15.620 Oh, my God.

00:37:15.920 Okay, sweet, man.

00:37:16.560 Let's get one.

00:37:17.800 Gilligan? 1.00

00:37:18.580 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:37:19.300 It's okay. 0.99

00:37:22.980 Sorry, we'll get that.

00:37:25.000 What's the paper towel budget?

00:37:26.200 What's he saying?

00:37:26.580 I'll get it.

00:37:27.240 Okay, we'll figure it out.

00:37:28.620 Spade.

00:37:28.980 Hey, it's Adam Eagot from The Office.

00:37:32.840 This is gross.

00:37:33.740 Do you know where the paper clips are?

00:37:35.900 I really need these as soon as possible.

00:37:39.780 I guess he works. 0.98

00:37:40.520 Everything's fucked over here. 0.98

00:37:43.700 Also, corndogs for lunch today. 0.98

00:37:45.840 So, let me know if you want me to save you one or two.

00:37:48.580 What kind of halfway house are you guys running?

00:37:51.360 Tell Theo I said hi.

00:37:53.520 Yeah, call me back as soon as you get this.

00:37:55.180 I need to know about these paper clips, like, stat.

00:37:57.760 I will tell you, Adam Eagot.

00:37:59.120 Who's still using paper clips, bro? 0.99

00:38:00.900 I know, he doesn't know what the fuck it is. 0.97

00:38:02.180 There's actually two more. 0.98

00:38:03.800 Jesus Christ, from him?

00:38:05.220 Yeah.

00:38:05.540 And this is, Adam doesn't do your booking?

00:38:07.300 When did he write these?

00:38:08.680 I know, he doesn't do your booking. 0.95

00:38:09.840 It's fucking solid, yeah. 0.96

00:38:11.560 Okay, at least he doesn't do the monologue. 0.99

00:38:13.080 Spade.

00:38:13.680 Yeah.

00:38:13.960 Hey, it's Adam again. 0.99

00:38:15.400 No shit. 0.98

00:38:16.420 Do you know how I changed my W-2? 0.99

00:38:20.660 I think I'm 1099-ing him.

00:38:22.540 Amount of taxes taken out, so.

00:38:25.180 I always claim 300 dependents.

00:38:28.700 Call.

00:38:29.540 Hey, it's Adam.

00:38:32.720 Are you hanging up on me?

00:38:33.740 Hey, it's Adam again.

00:38:36.100 Spade, do you have a fire extinguisher in your office?

00:38:44.000 He's in the pits.

00:38:44.980 No rush, just get back to me on that. 1.00

00:38:48.220 No rush on the fucking message either. 0.99

00:38:49.940 Jesus. 1.00

00:38:50.860 What a slowpoke Rodriguez. 0.97

00:38:52.600 There's a fire, bro. 0.99

00:38:54.120 Spit it out.

00:38:56.160 Wow.

00:38:57.200 Spade.

00:38:58.980 You know what happened?

00:39:00.540 Yesterday, he got a box of pens sent to him.

00:39:03.560 He's got a hall office.

00:39:05.080 He's got an office.

00:39:06.060 Let's say this is a big square room.

00:39:07.920 Right.

00:39:08.780 This big, huge lot where you're doing the show in.

00:39:11.940 Over on the wall, like, that's his desk.

00:39:13.720 So everyone walks.

00:39:14.420 This is a hall office. 1.00

00:39:15.260 Because he just, everyone just walks through and does their shit. 1.00

00:39:17.760 Oh, right. 0.99

00:39:18.120 He didn't get, like, an office, office of the door.

00:39:20.240 So he sits there and everyone just makes fun of him.

00:39:22.580 So I, he was, someone put garbage on his desk.

00:39:25.960 Like, these workers came and put it on his desk while they were working. 0.99

00:39:27.880 And he just sits there going, what the fuck is happening? 0.99

00:39:30.080 So on one of my stories I put on Instagram, I go, hey, Adam Egan, hating his hall office. 0.99

00:39:35.760 And so this woman that works for a pen company sent him, I mean, maybe 300 pens.

00:39:41.580 Oh, wow.

00:39:42.180 They said, hey, I saw your hall office.

00:39:43.780 Looks, needs a little pen action on there.

00:39:46.060 So yesterday, he was, like, having a yard sale.

00:39:48.340 He laid them all out and everyone got to come pick a pen.

00:39:50.380 He's like, don't take the violent ones.

00:39:52.600 Take green.

00:39:53.340 He's like, no, no, no green.

00:39:54.860 And then everyone's, like, arguing about which ones they want.

00:39:56.680 I mean, like, 300.

00:39:58.100 Yeah.

00:39:58.500 But they're like, you got any felt tip?

00:39:59.700 He's like, nah.

00:40:00.880 He's being snug with someone.

00:40:02.260 I go, Adam, you just got them free one minute ago.

00:40:04.320 Like, no.

00:40:05.000 He loves being a, he loves the job, though.

00:40:07.320 It seems like he's been.

00:40:08.520 He loves it.

00:40:09.060 He's good at it, yeah.

00:40:09.900 He's the guy that does the comedians.

00:40:12.180 And we have another department. 1.00

00:40:14.200 Seems like a total shit show. 0.99

00:40:15.500 But we have a whole department that does, anyone's not a comedian. 0.99

00:40:20.040 So, like, or I get too big.

00:40:22.100 Like, if Leno is a comedian, but we have talent office deal with him.

00:40:25.620 Just because, you know, there's some people that are more, I think Jim Carrey.

00:40:29.640 Oh, yeah, I think Jim Carrey's coming on now.

00:40:30.980 Really?

00:40:31.320 That's awesome.

00:40:31.900 Love Jim Carrey.

00:40:33.120 Very interesting dude.

00:40:34.760 Did you remember, did you ever remember seeing him as a comedian?

00:40:40.300 Barely.

00:40:40.700 Just seeing him on a special.

00:40:41.760 I think Rodney Dangerfield's HBO special when he was a young comedian special.

00:40:45.700 Those were big.

00:40:46.720 They would have a big comedian come in and host and have five new comedians.

00:40:50.760 Five or six.

00:40:51.780 And I saw Kenison on that.

00:40:53.300 I saw Jim Carrey.

00:40:55.560 Was there a thing that happened, like, whenever you were kind of coming up through the ranks

00:40:58.880 that you wished you had done it or you had gotten it and you were like, oh, man, this is.

00:41:04.900 And you thought you weren't going to have a career?

00:41:06.440 Wow.

00:41:06.920 Star Search.

00:41:07.480 They came to my, they came to Arizona to a mall.

00:41:10.960 Oh.

00:41:11.460 And you were there, huh?

00:41:12.060 Paradise Valley Mall.

00:41:13.300 Did your mom take you or did you just go?

00:41:15.040 I think I was old enough to drive.

00:41:16.900 Went out to PVM.

00:41:18.800 I literally used to drive without my shirt on. 1.00

00:41:20.580 I was such a fuck. 1.00

00:41:21.400 Joe Dirt started because Fred Wolf lived in Montana with dirt balls. 1.00

00:41:24.920 I live in Arizona.

00:41:25.600 We see guys walking with long hair with no shirt on, tucked in their back pocket holding

00:41:29.860 a gas can.

00:41:30.680 Oh, I love that, dude.

00:41:31.580 That's a whole life out there.

00:41:32.740 So I'm that guy.

00:41:33.780 I stepdad.

00:41:34.540 I take my shirt off whenever I drove because I didn't have air conditioning.

00:41:37.980 So I go to PVM.

00:41:39.000 Yeah, that's why.

00:41:40.340 And I stand on some little, I do two minutes of stand up.

00:41:43.700 Wow.

00:41:44.160 They check to see if you have any game.

00:41:45.840 No callbacks, no nothing.

00:41:47.260 And PV was at Palos Verdes Mall or something with PV?

00:41:49.920 Paradise Valley, yeah.

00:41:50.860 Paradise Valley.

00:41:51.740 At the mall?

00:41:52.580 It was at the mall in front of everybody.

00:41:54.640 No.

00:41:55.120 Like Tiffany, yeah.

00:41:57.440 Wow.

00:41:58.040 And I think they would check crowd reactions.

00:41:59.820 It's kind of a good idea.

00:42:00.620 Yeah, at least you're getting some real feedback right there.

00:42:03.460 So when I finally, I felt like, I think you'll know, you'll agree that people say, what's

00:42:09.100 your big break?

00:42:10.260 Comedy is sort of a series of little breaks.

00:42:12.680 Like getting on one club when I was starting.

00:42:17.380 That was a big break.

00:42:18.320 Yeah.

00:42:18.700 And then getting on another club.

00:42:20.060 And then getting at the improv when I got in LA was huge.

00:42:24.180 Then I got on this HBO Young Comedian special, which I was talking about kind of.

00:42:27.940 Dennis Miller was the host.

00:42:28.960 It was me, Rob Schneider, Drake Sather, Fred Stoller.

00:42:33.760 We had all these guys in there.

00:42:35.100 And everyone did great.

00:42:37.600 And then Rob and I got SNL off that.

00:42:39.800 Another big break.

00:42:40.680 Wow.

00:42:41.240 Tommy Boy, another big break. 1.00

00:42:42.540 So it's just really like treading water your whole fucking career. 0.99

00:42:46.720 You can never really let off the gas because go away in two seconds. 0.99

00:42:50.680 Someone even said to me the other day, this Uber guy goes, you're in showbiz.

00:42:55.120 Yeah.

00:42:55.320 He goes, I love those guys.

00:42:56.200 He goes, whatever happened to Chris Pratt?

00:42:58.060 I go, Chris Pratt did three blockbusters in the last two years.

00:43:02.140 He goes, oh, okay.

00:43:03.000 I go, I didn't see him. 0.99

00:43:04.140 I go, well, if this fucking guy's in showbiz, what about me? 0.98

00:43:06.960 I did movies on Netflix. 0.99

00:43:08.620 I never saw that.

00:43:09.440 I guarantee it.

00:43:10.540 I did Father of the Year and the other one. 1.00

00:43:12.120 I go, well, fuck, dude. 1.00

00:43:13.440 No wonder. 1.00

00:43:13.800 People are like, hey, it's good to see you.

00:43:15.840 I go, I don't know what perception is.

00:43:19.000 Yeah, it's definitely changed a lot.

00:43:20.820 You have no idea if people have seen it.

00:43:21.900 It takes a year.

00:43:22.660 Like you're this, which is every week.

00:43:24.680 Like I usually am on a TV show, so that's every week. 0.99

00:43:27.980 And so when people don't see me for a year, they're like, what the fuck? 0.98

00:43:30.540 What happened? 0.95

00:43:30.860 I go, I take a year to get a movie off the ground.

00:43:34.180 I write.

00:43:35.300 Then it takes three months to film it.

00:43:37.660 Then a year, edit it and get it out.

00:43:40.240 And if you miss that one, now there's two and a half years you missed me. 0.99

00:43:42.960 So that's all that work for one fucking two-hour movie. 0.98

00:43:46.300 And then you do another one, so. 0.99

00:43:48.340 Have you done some pretty stankers? 1.00

00:43:49.580 Have you done some real shit ones? 1.00

00:43:50.800 Yeah. 0.99

00:43:51.500 Oh, movies?

00:43:52.100 Yeah.

00:43:52.360 Yeah. 1.00

00:43:53.240 I thought you meant shits. 1.00

00:43:54.600 Oh, no. 0.99

00:43:55.380 I've done some pretty bad ones.

00:43:56.700 Dude, I have one of the worst superpower.

00:43:58.360 I don't know if it's a superpower or not, but I know if I walk into a bathroom, if somebody's

00:44:02.060 pooped in there recently.

00:44:03.900 Because it stinks? 0.59

00:44:04.760 Yeah.

00:44:05.480 That's not a superpower.

00:44:08.200 By the way.

00:44:08.900 Can you tell it too? 1.00

00:44:10.020 If someone took a dirty shit. 1.00

00:44:11.360 Oh, I hate it. 1.00

00:44:11.740 Dude, I walked out of a bathroom.

00:44:12.940 It's like the thing I hate the most about myself, man.

00:44:15.100 I just wish I couldn't do that.

00:44:17.940 Makes me sad, bro.

00:44:19.060 Okay.

00:44:19.500 That doesn't.

00:44:20.400 Okay.

00:44:20.920 I will tell you, though.

00:44:22.020 I hate it.

00:44:22.920 I don't know if we need a moment of silence for that, but.

00:44:24.800 I don't need a moment of silence.

00:44:26.040 I just.

00:44:26.360 I was. 1.00

00:44:26.760 Man, I fucking can feel it in my fucking muscles, bro. 0.99

00:44:28.000 I went to this nice place the other day for dinner. 1.00

00:44:30.480 Not that nice, but it was a regular restaurant, normal people.

00:44:32.580 Okay.

00:44:32.780 Wow.

00:44:33.300 So. 1.00

00:44:33.520 Well, I don't want people to think I'm some highfalutin asshole. 0.98

00:44:35.180 Totally different places. 0.98

00:44:36.380 Dude, I've been here with you.

00:44:37.480 It's only at nice places.

00:44:38.460 Yeah.

00:44:41.740 You would relate to this.

00:44:42.960 You can see the camera.

00:44:44.580 This is.

00:44:44.980 You can't hear it at home, but I go like this. 0.99

00:44:46.760 I walk in, and this dude's walking out, and I go, oof, because he shits so bad. 0.99

00:44:53.160 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:44:54.340 And he stops and looks at me.

00:44:56.580 He goes, what did you say? 1.00

00:44:57.240 And I go, fucking rough, dude. 1.00

00:45:00.620 And he goes, what the fuck? 1.00

00:45:02.260 I go, and I pussed out immediately, because I go, am I getting in a fight about a shit that 1.00

00:45:07.000 reeks so bad? 0.99

00:45:07.780 I have to.

00:45:08.540 I thought I had to say something, because I walked in. 0.99

00:45:10.360 And I go, god damn. 0.98

00:45:12.440 Like, because some are. 0.99

00:45:13.180 Like you're the air defender?

00:45:14.780 Unordinately rank, you know?

00:45:17.460 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:45:18.080 I get that it's not a fucking cake factory, but when you go in there, and it reeks so bad, 0.99

00:45:24.800 sometimes it wallops you, and you have to mention it. 0.99

00:45:27.320 Like, you can't even hide it.

00:45:28.220 You go, oh.

00:45:29.360 Yeah.

00:45:29.640 And then he was offended, because it was him.

00:45:31.500 Oh.

00:45:31.980 So he wanted to fight me.

00:45:34.640 Yeah.

00:45:35.140 You want to fight me over your poops? 1.00

00:45:36.700 Well, you're also defending the air, bro.

00:45:38.700 Like, you have the right to defend.

00:45:39.640 I just want air.

00:45:40.520 I want to be able to live in here.

00:45:41.900 So I had to leave.

00:45:43.440 Like, I can't even pee in this poo.

00:45:45.040 It's like.

00:45:45.540 Oh, yeah.

00:45:46.020 I hate that, man.

00:45:46.940 I hate being, I hate knowing that it's, I just wish that I could never.

00:45:50.980 Sometimes I try to hold my breath before I go in and try to just have my breath held

00:45:53.820 the whole time that I'm in there.

00:45:55.220 Oh, when you're in poop town?

00:45:56.520 And I think it's a nice restaurant I go up.

00:45:58.580 Like, dude, one time this guy, I went in there one time, there was like a, kind of

00:46:02.840 like an urban gentleman working in there, you know, like kind of like a mint, you know,

00:46:06.300 with the mints and the, you know, doing the, sometimes they'll do scarves and everything.

00:46:10.620 They got cigarettes, mints, everything.

00:46:12.580 This guy was.

00:46:13.580 Buy a new suit in there.

00:46:14.840 Yeah.

00:46:15.080 This guy was fresh off the boat, you know.

00:46:17.220 And.

00:46:18.100 They clean up in there.

00:46:19.680 Oh, dude.

00:46:20.140 Well, here's the thing, though.

00:46:20.920 This guy was kind of like a big jock kind of dude.

00:46:23.280 So I go into the, into the stall, right, into this little dookie booth, you know, to rock

00:46:28.200 a number two, right?

00:46:29.160 Dookie booth, yeah.

00:46:29.880 And this guy goes, uh, oh, uh, all right, fam, I got you, right?

00:46:35.400 And I'm like, what?

00:46:36.000 What does that mean?

00:46:36.660 Like, I think he was trying to like think like I'm going to tip him or something, you

00:46:39.440 know?

00:46:40.040 So then another guy comes in.

00:46:41.900 You better, if you talk to him, I think you have to tip him.

00:46:43.920 That's the thing.

00:46:44.960 Once you make contact.

00:46:46.140 Yeah, the thing, then another guy comes in and tries to get at the door, right?

00:46:49.400 And this guy like.

00:46:51.280 Lunges at him?

00:46:51.840 Yeah.

00:46:52.840 Stops him, bro.

00:46:54.820 And he's like, hey, my man's in there. 0.98

00:46:58.040 I don't even fucking know the guy. 0.88

00:46:59.580 I love it. 0.96

00:47:00.620 I love him.

00:47:01.080 My man's in there.

00:47:01.900 He took care of you. 1.00

00:47:02.440 They get into a fucking fight, into a shoving match. 0.99

00:47:06.120 Security comes in, the whole deal. 1.00

00:47:08.160 And you weren't even pooping, you were pissing.

00:47:09.740 Like, no, I was, well, I can't tell.

00:47:11.640 Sometimes I will sit down and piss sometimes if it's late at night, but this was, uh, I

00:47:17.000 don't know, but it was just so like, I'm not with this guy, you know?

00:47:20.200 That's so hot that he, if he went to the mat with you and then you go out there and put

00:47:23.300 a quarter in.

00:47:24.900 That's true.

00:47:25.800 They, they, they, you know how you get me?

00:47:27.860 Here's how you get me to tip.

00:47:28.920 I walk in and they go, David Spade.

00:47:31.060 I go, well, you're getting tipped.

00:47:32.520 Yeah, there you go. 1.00

00:47:33.420 Because I know you're going to call TMZ and go, this motherfucker took the dirtiest poop 1.00

00:47:37.220 and he only gave me a nickel. 1.00

00:47:39.320 He doesn't tip the fucking shit jockey. 1.00

00:47:41.920 Who's in there? 1.00

00:47:42.440 And one time it was bring your kid to work day. 1.00

00:47:44.700 No, shut up. 1.00

00:47:45.860 That's not possible. 0.99

00:47:47.220 I swear to God, this is over by UCLA.

00:47:49.380 It was at Mahoney's Bar.

00:47:51.060 Some bar they had over there, Maloney's.

00:47:52.840 And the guy's got his son in there.

00:47:54.640 I can't laugh hard enough.

00:47:55.760 Dressed up like a little seal or something, like a little oyster, like a, you know, like

00:47:59.000 a fancy oyster.

00:48:00.660 Or like, uh, you know, uh, somebody that's going to like a, you know, a wedding or dance

00:48:04.240 or something, you know, like looking nice.

00:48:05.460 Oh, like a little, not like an actual oyster.

00:48:07.980 Yeah.

00:48:08.400 Yeah.

00:48:08.600 Not like a nice oyster.

00:48:09.100 Is that what you say when people dress up?

00:48:11.820 Or like a penguin, that's what I'm thinking of.

00:48:13.300 Yeah, a penguin.

00:48:14.700 You were so far off.

00:48:16.300 I get it.

00:48:16.880 Penguin makes some sense.

00:48:18.000 Like a little tux. 1.00

00:48:19.040 But dude, a snow oyster, how good would that fucking taste, bro? 0.99

00:48:21.780 What is that? 0.99

00:48:22.800 That's what I'm saying.

00:48:23.380 Once they find those, dude.

00:48:26.120 You know how expensive those, watch in a year, those are going to be something that's

00:48:29.420 going to be on a menu somewhere, snow oysters. 1.00

00:48:31.040 Shit, I'll put all my money into snow oysters. 1.00

00:48:32.940 Would you change anything else on the Bachelorette or no? 1.00

00:48:35.260 Bachelorette.

00:48:35.460 Are you trying to go back to her?

00:48:36.400 She got a lot of screen time for that question.

00:48:38.480 We haven't even answered all of Adam Eagitz.

00:48:39.960 We don't have paperclips.

00:48:41.560 Yeah.

00:48:42.920 Bachelorette, I love.

00:48:43.920 I, uh, um, it's, it's down right now.

00:48:49.420 Viewership is?

00:48:49.960 When does this come on?

00:48:51.300 Today is September 21, 2006.

00:48:55.620 Today's September 12, 14.

00:48:58.340 Yeah, 2006.

00:49:00.100 Yeah.

00:49:00.460 So it'll be on 10 years.

00:49:01.640 Okay.

00:49:01.960 Yeah.

00:49:02.320 Sorry to interrupt this little chit chatter with, uh, with, uh, with Mr. Joe Dirt himself.

00:49:08.720 But this, can you believe that's really Joe Dirt?

00:49:10.760 That's so wild, dude.

00:49:11.920 I can't believe that happened to him.

00:49:13.260 Um, this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

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00:52:04.900 And now, back to the episode.

00:52:08.020 We don't have a show today on my show.

00:52:10.760 We have.

00:52:12.000 Because it's Friday.

00:52:12.800 We had the Sklars last night.

00:52:14.300 Yeah, I saw that.

00:52:15.060 I don't think we talked enough about Norm and Jay because it was, it made me nervous. 0.98

00:52:19.880 The show is fucking hard. 0.93

00:52:20.980 It felt nervous. 0.98

00:52:21.280 The show is hard because everyone's got a different energy and vibe and I don't sometimes know it.

00:52:27.280 One time I had a female comic and, you know, I'm like going over to the side and out of here, I go, what do you think?

00:52:32.960 She goes, well, I made me.

00:52:34.520 And I go, oh, is that your hook?

00:52:36.220 Like, I don't know.

00:52:37.020 Like, some could be very dirty.

00:52:39.040 Some are timid.

00:52:39.800 Some are like, she stayed in her shell.

00:52:42.860 This guy over here is like super whatever or he doesn't like, you know.

00:52:46.480 And then, you know, I jizzle in that kind of last week, he's sort of quiet, very funny, but he's out with other people.

00:52:52.200 And so I want to make sure he gets time to get his joke out and not get stepped on. 0.96

00:52:55.740 And then you have some fucking guy you don't even know on one show, like blabbing too hard and running over everyone's stuff. 0.96

00:53:03.320 You know, I learn every show what I like. 0.99

00:53:05.160 And I'm like, I don't like to pull teeth because there's too many dead spots, you know.

00:53:11.180 I like people to sort of self-start.

00:53:13.180 Last night, the Sklars, perfect.

00:53:14.920 Leno, perfect.

00:53:15.560 I show a picture of Kylie Jenner and he's like, you know, I read, you didn't hear about this yesterday?

00:53:21.160 They say, Kim and Kanye are going to get divorced.

00:53:23.180 I don't think he's going to leave her behind.

00:53:24.780 Yeah, I heard that.

00:53:25.500 And it was funny.

00:53:26.560 But I was sitting there freaking out going, everyone, give him a second on this.

00:53:30.940 Because he's old school and he took his time with it.

00:53:32.920 He goes, have you seen this?

00:53:34.220 Pause.

00:53:35.200 These two might get a divorce. 1.00

00:53:36.700 And you just think someone's going to jump in on that pause and do their line or comment.

00:53:41.100 And I'm like, just leave him on.

00:53:42.280 And I've got crazy Norm over there.

00:53:43.640 So Norm is always very funny and you just don't know what you're getting.

00:53:48.020 And that's part of the fun.

00:53:49.100 Yeah.

00:53:49.920 Yeah.

00:53:50.480 Watching that one, it seemed like, yeah, you're just, he's such like a, like you literally

00:53:54.220 have no clue what's about to climb out of his mouth.

00:53:56.320 And I don't, listen, he can offend me.

00:53:58.540 It's sort of the funny part about it that he goes after me a little bit.

00:54:01.600 But I don't want him to offend the other guests or I don't want, if they don't know what they're

00:54:05.980 getting either.

00:54:06.780 And Jay is, you know, he was very nice to Jay.

00:54:08.980 He said nice things.

00:54:10.760 But it's hard.

00:54:12.240 And then I had to do the bit with NASCAR.

00:54:14.920 Yeah.

00:54:15.180 Kurt Busch.

00:54:15.480 And it's hard to do bits in front of comedians because NASCAR came all the way there to be

00:54:20.000 a part of it.

00:54:20.560 They like the show.

00:54:22.500 We're getting more and more people that call that want to be on the show.

00:54:24.600 And that's nice.

00:54:25.220 That means the show is doing all right.

00:54:26.300 And I'm a NASCAR guy.

00:54:28.080 I'm a little bit of a dirt ball.

00:54:29.320 So I had met this guy, Kurt, and he was game.

00:54:34.200 But every joke we had, they killed right before the show.

00:54:37.220 So NASCAR, you know, they have their brand and this and that.

00:54:39.880 And I didn't know it. 0.99

00:54:41.160 So then I was like, fucking going toot. 0.99

00:54:44.900 Because now I go, what am I saying? 0.99

00:54:48.280 Because I think one, we had the car up close.

00:54:50.880 I go, oh, is this a make a wish car?

00:54:52.300 Why is it so close?

00:54:53.480 And he goes, yeah, it says it has cancer, but I think it's lying.

00:54:57.180 And then that's gone.

00:54:58.320 So when I get to the show about to tape it, I go, oh, that's gone?

00:55:01.500 What's there?

00:55:02.380 We put something else.

00:55:03.360 They approved.

00:55:03.840 I'm like, I don't even really know what bit I'm doing now.

00:55:06.900 And that never happens.

00:55:08.380 And then we said, oh, Johnny, the PA.

00:55:12.120 I have a question for Kurt.

00:55:14.500 It's John Parley.

00:55:15.860 And he goes, I go, all right, one question.

00:55:18.120 He goes, do you have any Adderall?

00:55:20.760 And I go, you're not asking him that.

00:55:22.120 And he goes, it's not even for me.

00:55:23.860 I go, he's not.

00:55:25.320 No.

00:55:25.640 And then Kurt goes, talk to me after the show.

00:55:27.760 And I go, oh.

00:55:28.760 So they killed all that.

00:55:31.420 These aren't the best jokes in the world.

00:55:32.840 It's just don't take away jokes.

00:55:35.040 You know what I mean?

00:55:35.740 Well, right.

00:55:36.520 Yeah. 0.98

00:55:36.880 It seemed like why not shoot more and then cut it down?

00:55:39.220 They just, we should have sent them ahead and then they can talk.

00:55:43.500 And, you know, there's always going to be a barter with someone.

00:55:46.280 It was a lot packed in one episode.

00:55:47.780 But most people, like we had Rascal Flatts on last night and a band Mumford and Sons.

00:55:52.300 And they're very game.

00:55:53.280 They come on.

00:55:53.860 They go, I know Spade's about.

00:55:55.200 I'm not there to make them look bad.

00:55:57.340 You're not going to get people if you do that.

00:55:59.500 But so if they want to roll with some jokes, I make fun of myself half the time.

00:56:03.740 Do you like, are you enjoying doing the show?

00:56:05.320 Are you finding that you're enjoying it more than you thought you would?

00:56:07.520 Are you having any?

00:56:08.240 Yeah.

00:56:08.540 It seems like you're, when I watch now, it seems like it's definitely coming.

00:56:11.300 It's hard.

00:56:12.040 It's very hard, but, and I have cards and cards like roll to this pre-tape and do this.

00:56:17.420 And we have someone talking a voiceover and make sure they get to say this if they want

00:56:22.760 to say something.

00:56:23.980 But to wrangle it all, it gets easier every show.

00:56:28.720 But it is hard.

00:56:29.720 It is a job where you wake up 7 a.m. and I have to think all day.

00:56:34.120 Movies are really hard, but it's more just legwork.

00:56:38.560 Being on a set every day.

00:56:39.560 Laying around all day.

00:56:40.840 Memorizing lines.

00:56:41.840 It's memorizing and staying awake. 0.96

00:56:44.620 And then the movies are fun, but they beat the shit out of you. 0.80

00:56:48.240 This one, at least I go home and I can have dinner. 0.93

00:56:49.980 Right.

00:56:50.640 And movies, I'm on the set all day.

00:56:52.660 What happened at the mall with the star search?

00:56:54.240 You got it or you didn't get it?

00:56:55.560 No, I got Shine on that.

00:56:58.200 And then when I started to do okay.

00:56:59.600 So you didn't get it?

00:57:00.340 Didn't get it.

00:57:01.140 Finally got to L.A.

00:57:02.800 Couldn't get on the improv.

00:57:03.300 How'd they let you know in the mail? 0.99

00:57:04.920 They didn't say jack shit. 1.00

00:57:06.680 Oh. 0.99

00:57:07.000 I asked Ted Sarandos once from Netflix.

00:57:10.360 You know this guy?

00:57:10.960 He's one of the big bosses there.

00:57:12.600 He's from Arizona.

00:57:14.020 Very cool guy.

00:57:15.780 Cool guy.

00:57:16.140 For that job, he's always so cool and collected.

00:57:19.380 I can't believe it. 0.98

00:57:20.280 One time, somebody, this big name guy, I was like, oh shit, that guy pitched you a show? 0.99

00:57:29.320 And he goes, yeah. 0.97

00:57:30.860 And he's a friend of his.

00:57:32.800 And he goes, but it didn't work out.

00:57:34.140 We passed.

00:57:35.180 And I go, what'd you tell him?

00:57:37.440 And he goes, nothing.

00:57:38.880 And I think he said, you know, if you go to a store to buy a suit and you don't want it,

00:57:45.960 you don't go back and tell them you don't want it.

00:57:48.760 Right.

00:57:49.040 They figured it out. 1.00

00:57:50.160 Damn. 1.00

00:57:50.440 I go, whoa. 1.00

00:57:51.680 And I think he said that.

00:57:53.000 I'm trying to, I'm trying to, I thought it was cool. 1.00

00:57:55.960 I go, fuck, man. 1.00

00:57:57.360 Because, you know, they're the new sheriff in town. 1.00

00:57:59.380 Yeah.

00:58:00.240 It's leaving people wondering.

00:58:01.280 You got a question right here from Waldron.

00:58:02.400 I pitch stuff to them and sometimes you just don't know.

00:58:05.620 Oh, wait, let me hear this.

00:58:06.540 I think if I, I think if I turn it up loud enough, you won't have to hold it up to your

00:58:09.220 ear.

00:58:09.360 I'll do it.

00:58:09.860 All right.

00:58:10.660 I'll do it.

00:58:12.180 Yeah.

00:58:12.900 What's up, Tio?

00:58:13.760 What's up, David?

00:58:15.000 My question is, what was your worst date that you ever had? 0.99

00:58:19.320 And what is the best way to get out of the bad date without being a jerk? 1.00

00:58:25.060 Gang gang. 1.00

00:58:26.080 Ah.

00:58:26.660 Gang gang, brother.

00:58:27.480 He gave you a little gang gang at the end.

00:58:28.980 And he's from Poland.

00:58:30.280 He didn't mention.

00:58:30.760 Well, Polish power, huh? 0.84

00:58:32.180 He didn't call in from Poland.

00:58:33.920 He lives here.

00:58:34.800 No, he lives in Poland. 1.00

00:58:35.740 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:58:36.100 Yeah. 1.00

00:58:36.540 And he hears this?

00:58:37.680 Yeah. 1.00

00:58:38.060 This dumb fucking joke. 1.00

00:58:39.600 Donkey. 1.00

00:58:40.200 Thank you, brother.

00:58:40.820 I don't know how to say thank you in Poland, but thank you very much.

00:58:43.500 Oh, two things.

00:58:44.700 Okay.

00:58:44.900 One was bad dates, which God, there's so many. 0.99

00:58:47.360 You've been on, I bet you've been on some, some fucking reekers, bro. 1.00

00:58:51.320 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:58:52.100 I'm the bad part of it.

00:58:53.700 Oh, yeah.

00:58:54.580 But still, dude.

00:58:55.960 Sometimes you have to take yourself out of the equation.

00:58:58.040 Have you ever, has it just been so bad where you'll tell a girl straight up, this is bad? 0.65

00:59:02.240 I'm going to go.

00:59:02.860 Oh, I, you know, listen, if it's bad on, I can tell they don't like me or it's not clicking.

00:59:08.320 You know, at this point in your life, you realize everyone's trying, everyone's means

00:59:11.420 well.

00:59:12.380 You just, I would try to start with lunch or something.

00:59:15.220 And then you can just tap out after and be polite, never be rude.

00:59:19.680 And then everyone just goes their separate ways.

00:59:21.280 It just doesn't, you know, it's too mean.

00:59:23.480 I've had it done to me so many times.

00:59:24.960 If some girl would actually like me more, which is weird because when you're in a position 0.54

00:59:29.860 of getting like, you know, you get DMs and shit from girls and to tell someone you don't 0.64

00:59:35.340 like them or don't want to go out of them is very weird. 0.96

00:59:37.640 Yeah.

00:59:37.940 Very weird position.

00:59:38.700 I was never in it.

00:59:39.380 So I would, okay.

00:59:41.560 Because girls, it was always the other way. 1.00

00:59:42.940 Girls would tell you, just give you the vibe or they wouldn't call like the Sarandos thing. 1.00

00:59:46.440 One girl about 10 years ago said, we had the Rainbow Room, just cool little joint.

00:59:52.300 And she goes, she said she was an actress, right?

00:59:55.480 So about halfway through, what's that noise?

00:59:57.860 Is that you?

00:59:58.720 Mm-mm.

00:59:59.220 It's me.

00:59:59.640 That elevator's me.

01:00:00.440 Oh, what are you having?

01:00:01.000 Half of a part of a Twix?

01:00:02.020 Yeah.

01:00:02.520 Oh, nice.

01:00:02.980 I have Twix.

01:00:05.120 People like when you chew and talk.

01:00:06.500 My mom used to eat paydays because they were like, kind of like the healthy candy bar.

01:00:10.480 Because of peanuts.

01:00:11.420 Yeah.

01:00:12.160 I get it.

01:00:13.340 And she wouldn't let us watch her eat them. 0.98

01:00:14.840 She would eat them by herself in her room.

01:00:17.360 That's weirder.

01:00:19.120 I used to put paydays in the toilet and then say I was sick and I couldn't go to school.

01:00:22.680 Oh, yeah.

01:00:23.580 So they'd break apart.

01:00:25.320 So I go to the Rainbow Room and this girl's like, yeah.

01:00:30.040 And then her phone's like, mm-mm, mm-mm. 0.99

01:00:33.000 And she goes, yeah, shit, it's work. 0.99

01:00:37.140 I go, oh. 1.00

01:00:38.560 She goes, I have to go to the Valley. 0.99

01:00:40.060 There's a fallout and an anal scene. 0.99

01:00:41.800 No way. 1.00

01:00:42.860 I go, oh, you're an adult porn actress. 1.00

01:00:46.840 She goes, yeah. 1.00

01:00:48.400 I go, yeah.

01:00:49.920 She goes, I should probably go.

01:00:51.780 Got to pick that up, you know.

01:00:53.520 Jesus.

01:00:53.880 I go, hey, work's work, you know.

01:00:55.460 And then she's like, but I'll probably be done by midnight if you're here.

01:00:59.040 I go, you know what?

01:00:59.560 Let's put a pin in that. 0.75

01:01:00.740 We'll pick this up later.

01:01:02.300 Why don't you just do tonight?

01:01:04.380 Do your thing?

01:01:06.180 And I'm like, well, there's twice I've run into porn people. 0.94

01:01:11.000 I ran into a hooker once I didn't know I was a hooker. 0.98

01:01:12.720 And I ran into two girls that did porn I didn't know. 0.98

01:01:15.820 But porn's way common out here. 0.54

01:01:19.640 Porn's pretty common. 0.90

01:01:20.620 A lot of girls out here is more, you get into, I see a lot of women that are more the sugar daddy style. 1.00

01:01:25.840 It's like dating, you know.

01:01:27.320 Yes, I'll go on a date with you for a couple hundred bucks.

01:01:29.380 I'll go on a date with you and see what happens. 0.99

01:01:31.280 It's kind of a bit of a hybrid hooker. 0.99

01:01:33.080 Yeah. 0.98

01:01:33.360 My friend does What's Your Price?

01:01:34.880 You know what that is?

01:01:35.580 Mm-mm.

01:01:37.120 The great sales pitch is he goes, what's your price?

01:01:39.660 You ever seen a girl, it's so pretty at the coffee shop, you wish you'd go on one date with her, you could win her over. 0.55

01:01:43.620 Mm-hmm.

01:01:44.220 Well, you can.

01:01:44.940 So, he goes on a site and all these pretty girls and you go, hey, how much does it cost to take you to dinner?

01:01:51.660 And they're like, 300 bucks.

01:01:53.940 He does this all the time.

01:01:55.200 And just gives those 300.

01:01:56.020 I've seen the girls.

01:01:56.920 They meet him for dinner, 300 bucks, and then they leave.

01:02:02.000 And he pays them.

01:02:03.100 And they go, nah, no love connection.

01:02:05.680 It's like a business.

01:02:06.620 Right.

01:02:06.740 Or they say, for another 500, I'll give you a handjob in the car, you know.

01:02:10.120 Sometimes he takes them home, but.

01:02:12.380 Yeah, I have some friends that.

01:02:13.640 Mostly, it's just like girls want to make some money. 1.00

01:02:15.240 They go, I'll go to dinner with you and sit with you.

01:02:16.640 Yeah. 0.98

01:02:17.640 And some guys want to just puff up and go to fucking catch and be like, hey, look who I got. 0.98

01:02:22.480 Take a hottie out there. 1.00

01:02:24.440 A little arm candy old school.

01:02:26.020 Yeah.

01:02:26.500 Dude, you took me to catch that one time.

01:02:27.920 Yeah, did we catch you?

01:02:28.940 Yeah.

01:02:29.560 I take care of you, man.

01:02:30.660 I did feel like arm candy.

01:02:32.080 Yeah, we did have fun, man.

01:02:33.120 You were my arm candy, right?

01:02:34.120 That place, uh.

01:02:36.680 I mean, I remember watching you when we were leaving, walking out, and you would see like,

01:02:41.180 like I had like a couple people that were like, oh, hey, that's Theo Vaughn, you know,

01:02:44.520 like a couple of like comedy fans.

01:02:46.000 But you, it's definitely a different thing.

01:02:48.560 It feels like a little bit, it almost feels spooky, I feel like, being at your level of

01:02:53.500 popularity, you know.

01:02:54.680 Oh, that's nice.

01:02:55.380 I mean, I think by this point, you'll learn that you can get a big head about it, but there's

01:02:59.780 always so many people doing better than you.

01:03:01.920 Right.

01:03:02.040 So many times you did, things didn't work that you wanted, that I think right now, most

01:03:07.540 people know me, without even sounding cocky, just after all this time, they've seen you

01:03:12.620 in something, but they don't always like you. 1.00

01:03:15.920 And so people get pictures of it, and I see them and say, look at this fucking asshole. 1.00

01:03:19.360 Yeah. 1.00

01:03:20.700 But.

01:03:21.780 Yeah, that's the difference about popularity from like podcasts and stuff, is people are

01:03:24.840 a little bit more engaged with who you are as a person, I feel like.

01:03:27.420 Yeah.

01:03:27.820 You know, and so it's like.

01:03:28.780 Well, you're very real.

01:03:29.400 So you've got a different thing, which is, I think you're interesting, because you have

01:03:32.180 a, your comedy's like that, you'd think there'd be more like this, there's not.

01:03:36.180 Just like, guys, here's me, and you have an interesting life.

01:03:40.040 Some people could do this, and it wouldn't be fun to hear.

01:03:43.440 You have a good spin on it, you're funny down deep, and then you have an interesting past

01:03:48.340 and present. 1.00

01:03:49.220 Fuck. 1.00

01:03:49.560 It works. 1.00

01:03:50.160 It's good. 1.00

01:03:51.020 Damn it, dude. 0.99

01:03:51.340 That's true. 1.00

01:03:51.620 I think that's your whole thing, why it works. 0.93

01:03:54.020 And I, one guy tried to trip me up in an interview, and then I probably have to book it to fucking 0.97

01:03:59.660 Brea.

01:04:01.480 One guy said, when do you think you were the most famous?

01:04:04.420 Such a weird question.

01:04:06.080 And what he meant, the real answer was now, because of cumulative from everything I've done.

01:04:15.520 And there's more people that know me now, of course.

01:04:17.880 Shows are in reruns.

01:04:19.180 This, you know.

01:04:19.760 Right.

01:04:20.200 Rules of engagement, Just Shoot Me, SNL, and then all the movies on TBS every day at 3 p.m.

01:04:24.820 Oh, yeah.

01:04:25.520 Something's on with me.

01:04:26.960 I love TBS.

01:04:27.360 So there's that.

01:04:28.160 But he meant, I think I did the, in the old days, cover of Rolling Stone, cover of

01:04:33.360 Entertainment Weekly, cover of TV Guide.

01:04:35.220 That's what he was getting at.

01:04:36.320 But that was a while ago, so it was more.

01:04:39.480 So it was a loaded question that you weren't still as famous?

01:04:41.820 I guess, I mean, you could ask anyone that, and there's times when you could point to

01:04:48.840 where, you know, it's really like up and down your career.

01:04:52.660 You know what I mean?

01:04:52.980 You know, if something comes out for two years, then you do, and then it doesn't really work,

01:04:55.940 and then two years later, something big.

01:04:57.300 So it's never going to be like straight level line.

01:05:01.500 Some years are better than others.

01:05:02.760 But overall, it did make me think.

01:05:05.480 I'm like, wow, that is a weird question.

01:05:06.860 I don't know. 0.97

01:05:07.240 But as long as you, I think the hard thing is still doing shit and making a living year 0.99

01:05:16.740 after year is hard. 0.98

01:05:18.080 So if you can do that, it's already praise.

01:05:20.060 Anyone or other, some of my friends are still just road comics, but they're doing it.

01:05:24.220 Yeah.

01:05:24.420 It's hard, and they bring in a crowd, and they get their bills paid, and they're like, 1.00

01:05:27.080 fuck. 1.00

01:05:27.940 It's hard, man. 1.00

01:05:28.560 Do it.

01:05:28.920 Good job.

01:05:30.840 One last question.

01:05:31.680 We have the new SNL cast member.

01:05:33.420 We just wanted to, you want to ask that, Nick?

01:05:35.340 Yeah, well, just more of a topic for you guys to chew on.

01:05:39.800 SNL yesterday announced three new SNL cast members.

01:05:43.100 Oh, yeah.

01:05:43.520 I heard about this.

01:05:44.080 Chloe Finneman, Bowen Yang, who's the first East Asian descent.

01:05:48.800 At first, people were saying first Asian, but Rob Schneider is Filipino, so people got upset

01:05:53.380 about that.

01:05:53.720 Getting a little specific.

01:05:54.600 Sneaky Rob.

01:05:55.280 I love him sneaking in with a Filipino. 1.00

01:05:57.380 I'm West USA.

01:05:59.680 They're really breaking it down.

01:06:01.120 And Shane Gillis, and hours after he was announced, a Twitter mob quickly-

01:06:07.900 Somebody dug into him.

01:06:08.980 They tried to ruin his life, and a resurfaced video from his podcast came up where he used

01:06:13.460 the word chink.

01:06:14.640 He was kind of playing like a character.

01:06:16.520 They were talking about how-

01:06:17.520 Did he say that?

01:06:18.280 I looked at that little clip.

01:06:19.660 I thought they were saying Japanese people feel like they're number one, and Koreans feel

01:06:25.420 not as good as-

01:06:27.400 Is that what you're talking about?

01:06:29.040 Yeah, it is.

01:06:30.640 I have the clip right here.

01:06:31.840 Oh, whatever. 0.97

01:06:32.180 Sick.

01:06:32.700 But it's definitely- I don't know.

01:06:36.420 It's going to be tough for him, because that playing against, they just hired an Asian 1.00

01:06:40.500 guy.

01:06:41.680 They did?

01:06:42.600 That was the first Asian they hired, yeah. 0.95

01:06:44.720 Right.

01:06:44.880 So it's one of the three guys they hired.

01:06:47.340 So one's getting all this praise.

01:06:49.140 Bowen Yang.

01:06:49.680 Oh, I see what you're saying.

01:06:50.260 And then the other guy, they dig up something where he says something seemingly against that.

01:06:55.220 Like, I don't even know if he'll survive.

01:06:57.420 You know what I mean?

01:06:58.460 I don't know.

01:06:59.160 He put out an apology.

01:07:00.140 He said, I'm a comedian who pushes boundaries I sometimes miss.

01:07:02.860 If you go through my 10 years of comedy, most of it bad, you're going to find a lot of

01:07:05.980 bad misses.

01:07:06.800 I am happy to apologize to anyone who's actually offended by anything I've said.

01:07:10.440 My intention is never to hurt anyone, but I'm trying to be the best comedian I can be,

01:07:14.080 and sometimes that requires risks.

01:07:16.280 Yeah.

01:07:16.560 And how do we expect people to evolve if they don't have a past, if they don't have any timeline?

01:07:21.460 You know, it's like, I feel like the online mob has just become, it's just a mob.

01:07:27.500 That's what it is.

01:07:28.040 It has no understanding.

01:07:29.240 It has no care or concern for.

01:07:30.720 Well, it's very, it's hard to just remove people from their job and life, and some people

01:07:37.240 get angry about different things and just want someone's life done, and they don't see

01:07:44.700 the after effects.

01:07:45.480 Like, that is, no, people go kill themselves.

01:07:48.100 You take everything away from someone.

01:07:49.600 Oh, yeah.

01:07:49.780 Now, I don't even know about this case in particular.

01:07:52.680 I don't know enough about it, but in general, as a comedian, you know, you used to try to

01:07:58.140 be edgy, and that was the whole thing five years ago.

01:08:00.760 That's what, you want to do bits no one else is doing.

01:08:02.500 You don't want to steal material.

01:08:03.600 Like, what's your take on this?

01:08:06.260 You're taking this, and ooh, you pushed it. 0.99

01:08:07.840 Oh, that bit's fucking crazy you did. 0.97

01:08:10.460 And now if someone could go look those up and say, you went too far, it offended me, 0.99

01:08:14.200 and now you're out.

01:08:15.340 Yeah.

01:08:15.560 And that's a tough, weird time to be a comedian.

01:08:19.780 It's hard.

01:08:20.740 It's just hard.

01:08:21.240 Every day of my show, I go, I hope I didn't say something, because I'm just trying to 0.98

01:08:24.460 get a fucking laugh in that one second moment. 0.97

01:08:26.520 Right. 0.99

01:08:27.840 Believe me, I don't believe in everything I say.

01:08:29.880 I just say it to get a laugh.

01:08:31.080 You want to shock people.

01:08:32.120 You want to say crazy stuff.

01:08:33.760 The monologue, a lot of the stuff, I'm like, oh, this is great.

01:08:36.800 You know?

01:08:36.980 Yeah.

01:08:37.120 I mean, some people that like comedy like it, and then everyone in the writers room is

01:08:41.360 like, do it, do it.

01:08:42.560 But I have to think about myself and go, I don't want something to happen over.

01:08:47.060 But how do you get a new show off the ground?

01:08:49.240 How do you be different? 1.00

01:08:50.500 You don't want reviews to go, it's the same fucking shit. 0.99

01:08:53.780 Because there's probably seven jokes we're still allowed to use that everyone's like, 0.99

01:08:57.300 I'm okay with that one.

01:08:58.640 Right.

01:08:59.040 You can do it.

01:08:59.860 Yeah.

01:09:00.000 It's like reviewers.

01:09:00.800 What if, and nowadays it's almost like, it's just if reviewers don't like you or what

01:09:04.080 you represent just by being a human, living human.

01:09:07.100 Yeah, they hate you anyway.

01:09:08.220 So it's almost, it's hard to get ahead and make a name. 1.00

01:09:12.240 Yeah, reviewers can eat a bag of ass, bro, I think, or an ass bag or whatever they call 1.00

01:09:15.840 it. 1.00

01:09:15.860 Now it's just 30, you know, million reviewers on Twitter and Instagram every day.

01:09:20.080 You hear about, like my last show I did on old sitcoms, there weren't people on Twitter

01:09:24.380 and Instagram.

01:09:24.860 So now everyone's like, here's what I think.

01:09:27.600 I'm like, okay.

01:09:28.900 So I listened to it.

01:09:29.760 I mean, some I hear and some hurt my feelings.

01:09:31.620 Yeah.

01:09:32.320 But I think that the noise has been so, it's just so, it's happened so much now that it's

01:09:37.060 just almost become a death.

01:09:39.140 It's hard, yeah.

01:09:40.000 I mean, there's comics like Chappelle's Special or Bill Burr.

01:09:42.960 Burr's Press all just lost it.

01:09:43.940 There's some people that get away with it and that's great.

01:09:47.140 I think people can again.

01:09:49.100 You just have to be, I think you have to be smart.

01:09:52.300 It's hard.

01:09:52.960 I hope it just sort of blows over because I don't want to see the end of people doing comedy.

01:09:56.680 I know.

01:09:57.260 Yeah.

01:09:57.500 What will happen, man?

01:09:58.560 I want to go to the mall and audition. 0.99

01:09:59.840 Fucking Star Search. 0.99

01:10:01.360 By the way, to wrap up that story, about a couple years later, I got the Young Comedians 0.99

01:10:06.700 special and I think the next day they said, oh, you got Star Search too.

01:10:09.900 And I had to turn down Star Search. 1.00

01:10:11.560 And I was like, oh, fuck. 1.00

01:10:12.720 I was waiting all this time for that. 1.00

01:10:15.040 They said, you can't do both.

01:10:16.260 I go, ah.

01:10:17.200 So missed it.

01:10:18.020 You had to let it go.

01:10:18.840 And that was something you thought it was going to be your break.

01:10:21.120 Yep.

01:10:21.760 Do people ever think you're Brad Pitt?

01:10:23.080 Have anybody ever come up to you and thought you were Brad Pitt?

01:10:24.780 A kid did the other day.

01:10:26.080 Yeah.

01:10:26.360 He literally, he's like about eight.

01:10:28.220 He goes, were you in World War Z?

01:10:30.720 I go, no, but I want to kiss you for that. 1.00

01:10:34.600 Oh, damn. 1.00

01:10:35.420 I didn't kiss you. 1.00

01:10:35.740 Yeah.

01:10:35.960 He took off your glasses and he realized what a bad judge character he was.

01:10:41.760 I keep going, I was like, oh, you're eight.

01:10:43.820 Oh, for that.

01:10:44.140 He's like, oh, are you Kevin Hart?

01:10:46.900 Yeah.

01:10:47.340 But the worst is if Brad Pitt ever gets it. 0.99

01:10:49.620 He must be like, no, I'm not that fucking. 0.99

01:10:52.720 Brad Pitt's one of the few guys I've run into out there that's a big star and he's a fucking 0.99

01:10:55.860 cool dude. 0.92

01:10:56.520 Yeah?

01:10:56.860 Yeah.

01:10:57.200 I love him.

01:10:57.820 Cool cat.

01:10:58.300 I mean, I don't see him a lot, but.

01:10:59.720 Yeah.

01:11:00.220 For that fame to be cool, shocking.

01:11:03.420 Yeah.

01:11:03.620 How would you even do it?

01:11:04.760 David Spade, thanks so much for coming in, man.

01:11:06.580 All right.

01:11:07.040 Thanks.

01:11:07.400 I guess we just wrap it up and say thanks for having me and you got a good fan base out

01:11:12.020 there.

01:11:12.160 I'm glad to talk to him.

01:11:13.840 Yeah.

01:11:14.120 No, man.

01:11:14.380 I appreciate you coming in.

01:11:15.340 I hope you crush it tonight at Brea.

01:11:16.920 Where else are you going to be in the next couple of.

01:11:18.320 Oh, I got a Mirage October 4th and 5th that weekend at Vegas.

01:11:23.180 Oh, nice.

01:11:23.760 Yeah.

01:11:23.920 I do that.

01:11:24.400 I'm doing a couple of weekends before the end of the year.

01:11:26.560 Oh, I love that room.

01:11:27.280 Yeah.

01:11:27.560 And have fun.

01:11:27.960 You did it.

01:11:28.500 Yeah.

01:11:28.780 Isn't that great?

01:11:29.360 Dude, that room is the best.

01:11:31.000 That place is fun.

01:11:31.920 Yeah.

01:11:32.280 Me and Ray Romano, it's great.

01:11:33.820 Oh, wow.

01:11:34.600 We've done it.

01:11:35.180 We did it last year.

01:11:35.900 It's super fun.

01:11:36.740 Oh, yeah.

01:11:37.040 You told me about that.

01:11:37.720 I think you told me about that.

01:11:38.900 So you guys are both going to be on stage just half and half kind of?

01:11:41.640 Yeah.

01:11:42.260 Yeah.

01:11:43.040 Nice.

01:11:43.280 And I got Houston Improv coming up and I haven't booked that many gigs just because 0.52

01:11:46.780 the show is so fucking overwhelming. 0.71

01:11:48.720 Yeah. 0.98

01:11:49.200 But I'll be out there shaking my crummy act.

01:11:52.000 I love it.

01:11:52.480 Staying busy.

01:11:53.300 Thanks, brother.

01:11:53.860 All right.

01:11:54.200 See you guys.

01:11:54.860 See ya.

01:11:55.060 Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

01:12:01.040 I must be cornerstone.

01:12:06.160 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it.

01:12:13.280 In my bones, but it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let

01:12:25.620 myself unwind shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories shine on me

01:12:42.080 And I will find a song I've been singing just for you

01:12:50.080 And now I've been moving way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of time

01:13:00.420 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll

01:13:09.060 be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to

01:13:13.740 pleasure your partner.

01:13:15.320 The answer may shock you.

01:13:17.060 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

01:13:19.100 Sometimes I won't.

01:13:20.780 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

01:13:23.480 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

01:13:29.640 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.

01:13:32.320 Longer than anybody else.

01:13:33.980 So great.

01:13:35.300 Hi.

01:13:35.940 Swee-ah. 0.97

01:13:36.960 Easy deal. 1.00

01:13:38.300 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. 1.00

01:13:42.240 Jermaine. 0.99

01:13:42.800 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

01:13:47.300 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

01:13:49.380 Oh, no.

01:13:51.640 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

01:13:54.100 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:13:58.260 Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:14:02.480 Third rule.

01:14:03.440 Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.

01:14:06.140 Or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

01:14:08.000 And yes, don't worry.

01:14:09.580 My Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - September 26, 2019

David Spade ｜ This Past Weekend #233

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