This Past Weekend with Theo Von - E278 Back from the Road： Brad Williams & Jeff Dye

00:00:00.000 Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.

00:00:03.440 Gray Block.

00:00:04.720 Get that hitter, baby. 1.00

00:00:06.220 Today's guests are two comedians who have just broken back into performing live stand-up comedy.

00:00:12.240 That's right, this weekend, they were in Oklahoma City and Salt Lake City.

00:00:18.440 And I'm just really curious as to what their experience was like.

00:00:23.800 We have comedian Brad Williams and comedian Jeff Dye.

00:00:30.000 Shine that light on me.

00:00:35.320 I'll sit and tell you my stories.

00:00:40.260 Shine that light on me.

00:00:45.900 I'll sit and tell you my stories.

00:00:48.520 I remember the first time I ever met you, Brad.

00:00:50.900 It was like I was at USC.

00:00:53.020 I don't know what I was doing.

00:00:54.000 Not learning.

00:00:55.380 I was there just as like an outsider.

00:00:57.280 And you came up on a motorbike, like a small motorbike.

00:01:04.660 And I'd never seen anything like this.

00:01:07.220 I remember that bike.

00:01:08.220 Where I was growing up, they had one man who was kind of a smaller man that did mechanic work.

00:01:13.640 Makes sense.

00:01:14.240 And he...

00:01:15.000 Get in there.

00:01:15.660 Yeah, exactly.

00:01:16.520 Yeah.

00:01:16.800 Oh, yeah.

00:01:17.260 I remember they would sometimes open the hood, put him under there, and then close the hood.

00:01:20.480 And he'd fix it while people were driving.

00:01:23.200 No.

00:01:23.740 So just...

00:01:24.280 Oh, he would be in there.

00:01:25.220 Like, and he would hide.

00:01:26.800 He would do a lot of hiding.

00:01:28.060 I'm going to hide.

00:01:28.820 You know, which I think...

00:01:29.980 You know, I don't know.

00:01:30.720 Oh, that's an advantage?

00:01:31.580 Yeah.

00:01:32.380 But, yeah, man.

00:01:34.240 I remember.

00:01:34.740 And then you pulled up at a pretty good clip of speed.

00:01:37.880 And I was like, oh, my God.

00:01:39.480 I'm in another...

00:01:41.120 I had, like, just gotten into Los Angeles.

00:01:42.580 I'm like, I'm in another world.

00:01:43.920 Well, you know, that Scare Tactics show that you mentioned, like, they basically, every

00:01:47.680 prank involved a little person.

00:01:49.220 Yeah.

00:01:49.700 They're like, oh, she's afraid of teddy bears.

00:01:51.220 What if we put Brad in this teddy bear?

00:01:53.640 Man, we'll make him run around. 0.77

00:01:54.640 Make him act like a teddy bear at first, but then I'll run around.

00:01:56.840 Yeah.

00:01:56.980 Like, that's good.

00:01:57.560 And then the next one's like some lab where it's a giant rat.

00:02:00.240 And they're like, oh, put Brad in a giant rat costume. 0.65

00:02:02.060 Rat monster.

00:02:02.760 I remember that prank.

00:02:03.080 It's like everything is based around a little person, but the guy not got no glory.

00:02:06.580 Yeah, and I totally remember that because that Razor scooter released these electric scooters

00:02:14.500 back in the day, but, like, they had one that looked really cheesy, and then they had

00:02:20.060 one that looked like a West Coast chopper.

00:02:22.320 Yeah.

00:02:22.700 And I'm like, all these other kids around USC get to class on a bike.

00:02:27.360 I'm riding my West Coast chopper Razor scooter.

00:02:30.220 So I would roll up to class.

00:02:30.860 It was insane.

00:02:31.840 I'd never seen anything like it.

00:02:33.560 I didn't know the laws.

00:02:34.920 Yeah, at school, because I was going there.

00:02:36.300 I went to USC.

00:02:37.020 Oh, my gosh.

00:02:38.160 Yeah, and I think, yeah, I booked you for, like, a comedy show on campus or something.

00:02:43.640 Dude, you must have been a legend.

00:02:44.880 You were, like, how many dwarves you went to UFC?

00:02:47.920 UFC?

00:02:48.920 UFC.

00:02:49.500 I don't know where you went.

00:02:50.380 I'm not good with schools and letters and stuff.

00:02:52.600 Yeah, it was a dwarf UFC happening in a ball pit at Chuck E. 1.00

00:02:55.620 It sounds awesome, dude.

00:02:56.500 Dude, don't start something that's going to be huge.

00:02:59.260 No, it was me, and then there was a teacher there.

00:03:03.600 Oh, okay.

00:03:03.980 And everyone thought I was his kid.

00:03:05.880 Right.

00:03:06.280 Like, everyone. 0.99

00:03:07.480 That's how dumb people are about dwarves. 0.98

00:03:08.980 They must be related. 0.99

00:03:09.760 Yeah.

00:03:10.100 Yeah.

00:03:10.480 Everyone thought that, like, that's how I got in.

00:03:13.580 It's that, oh, well, your dad works at USC, so that's how you got in.

00:03:17.120 It's like, no, I got in because they needed something.

00:03:19.600 They needed someone for the pamphlet.

00:03:21.460 Do you?

00:03:22.360 Also, I have a regular brain, and I'm a regular person.

00:03:25.040 They think there must be some thing.

00:03:26.560 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:03:27.500 No, yeah, yeah, he got in because he cast a spell on the president.

00:03:31.280 Yeah.

00:03:31.320 Dude, I've always wondered, like, do you, like, you know, is it okay to talk about being somebody

00:03:36.660 that is a small person or smaller or a little bit different?

00:03:39.320 Sure, sure.

00:03:40.100 But what I'm thinking is, like, sometimes I'll see, like, you know, they have LGTBQ community.

00:03:45.560 Yeah.

00:03:45.820 But they don't factor in, like, but little people don't get factored into that.

00:03:49.620 Well, that's the LPA community.

00:03:52.220 Oh.

00:03:52.840 Little people of America. 0.89

00:03:53.980 Okay.

00:03:54.220 That's not even a joke.

00:03:55.300 It's, yeah, LPA, which was started by Billy Barty, the actor, and then, actually, when

00:04:02.860 they started, they were called Midgets of America. 0.69

00:04:05.280 Pulled the picture and changed it.

00:04:06.400 And then they changed it.

00:04:07.400 So, that's why, yeah, there it is.

00:04:09.520 So, yeah, when they started it, it was called Midgets of America.

00:04:14.340 This guy just killed it, man.

00:04:15.100 This guy was in everything.

00:04:15.980 Yeah.

00:04:17.060 So, wait, so this guy started the LPA.

00:04:19.120 Yep.

00:04:19.780 And so, yeah, so there's a lot of dwarves that have boned each other because of this man.

00:04:24.340 Oh, nice, man.

00:04:24.740 Because he started LPA.

00:04:26.200 Oh, because then it's a place to meet other people that are smaller.

00:04:29.000 Thank you.

00:04:29.660 Thank you for what you did.

00:04:31.220 There's not a lot of families. 0.94

00:04:31.780 Without this guy, we wouldn't have all those shitty shows on TLC. 0.87

00:04:35.940 Which were some of my favorite shows, too. 0.99

00:04:38.880 I hate those shows on TLC.

00:04:41.200 Really?

00:04:41.620 Yeah, but, like, we're a family of little people. 0.99

00:04:43.380 You're like, I don't give a shit. 0.98

00:04:44.740 And they're literally like, we're just like everyone else. 0.99

00:04:46.860 You're like, then why am I watching it?

00:04:48.120 Yeah.

00:04:48.400 If you're just like everyone else, then why is this?

00:04:51.160 But that one family.

00:04:52.080 Admit you little, man.

00:04:53.080 Yeah.

00:04:53.340 Yeah, little people, big world. 0.99

00:04:54.660 I hate them.

00:04:55.260 I loved them.

00:04:56.100 No, not me, man.

00:04:56.760 Bro, the sister was fine, bro.

00:04:59.160 Why is the dad sitting in the tall dude's lap?

00:05:02.240 It looks like the dad is.

00:05:03.460 Yeah, that's disrespectful.

00:05:03.900 In that photo, it looks like the dad is sitting in the tall dude's lap.

00:05:06.760 I hate these shows.

00:05:07.180 I hate these kind of shows.

00:05:08.180 Yeah, well, what fascinated me about this show, I remember specifically, was they ran a pumpkin ranch.

00:05:14.040 Yeah.

00:05:14.180 And the fact, in my mind, yeah, it blew my mind that you had small people growing the largest vegetable, I remember.

00:05:21.780 I used to do jokes about it.

00:05:23.400 I was like.

00:05:23.700 Pumpkins are big squash.

00:05:24.880 They're just lugging around like ants.

00:05:26.720 Bro, that's a, like, think of it like.

00:05:28.820 Yeah, that, yeah.

00:05:29.780 I mean.

00:05:30.580 Oh, there you go.

00:05:31.200 It would make way more sense that they're like, oh, they have a strawberry patch.

00:05:36.280 Yeah, let me hustle.

00:05:37.020 Yeah, cherries.

00:05:37.940 Makes sense.

00:05:38.460 Let me hustle these kumquats. 1.00

00:05:40.860 That's where I was going to go.

00:05:43.200 Yeah, there's like, no, we got pumpkins.

00:05:45.560 Baby tomatoes.

00:05:46.060 We're just overachievers.

00:05:47.760 I love it.

00:05:48.180 Do you sometimes, but sometimes, do you ever look at, like, a gay person or a diverse person, a black person, maybe a Vietnamese?

00:05:58.920 Oh, this is going to be a fun question for me to answer.

00:06:01.480 Let's go.

00:06:02.120 And does it ever, but you know what I'm talking about?

00:06:04.040 I know, but I just love that you're searching for words to feel okay.

00:06:07.760 Like, black, Filipino, you know, people like, you know.

00:06:16.260 But do you know what I'm talking about?

00:06:17.760 Unique friends, I'll call them.

00:06:19.120 Tread lightly.

00:06:19.800 Hey, man.

00:06:20.600 We're only white guys.

00:06:22.240 We don't got a thing.

00:06:23.320 But is there camaraderie there?

00:06:24.480 Like, if you see, like, if you're walking down the street, like, in, like, a white neighborhood and there's a black guy and he's walking down the street, is there camaraderie if you guys see each other kind of?

00:06:31.800 Oh, between, like, me and a black guy?

00:06:33.920 Yeah.

00:06:34.420 No, but I will say this.

00:06:36.620 There's not that instant camaraderie, but I used to do a bit about this, and it's real.

00:06:42.760 Like, I loved how black people would react to seeing dwarves. 1.00

00:06:47.440 Oh, really?

00:06:47.820 Like, it was never just.

00:06:49.480 Totally different?

00:06:50.220 Yeah.

00:06:50.620 It was never just, like, there's a person.

00:06:53.300 And, like, it was never that. 1.00

00:06:55.400 It was like, oh, shit, little man. 0.99

00:06:57.480 Like, that's my guy. 1.00

00:06:59.540 They dab you up.

00:07:00.760 That's my guy.

00:07:01.600 Always, like, insanely friendly, but yet kind of insulting.

00:07:05.620 You know, it's like, oh, what up, big man?

00:07:07.960 It's like, why would you say big man to me?

00:07:09.620 That is, like, what, do you see a guy in a wheelchair and just be like, yo, legs, what's going on?

00:07:15.980 But also, it does feel kind of good, because you're like, this black guy's being really nice to me, but also, I should get mad at him for doing this. 1.00

00:07:21.680 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:07:22.380 And then, like, there was one time, it was.

00:07:26.320 Yo, legs. 1.00

00:07:28.300 What up, big man?

00:07:29.900 It was back when I was at USC.

00:07:31.840 That hurts me, man, that they do that.

00:07:33.860 I always found it funny.

00:07:35.040 I was at USC, and then I was on the street where all the fraternities are.

00:07:41.060 It's called the row.

00:07:42.120 It's where all fraternity and sorority rows are.

00:07:45.020 And I was with a few of my friends, and, like, a group of black guys came up to me and my buddies and just started, like, aggressively, positively complimenting me, but then calling me the end word.

00:07:57.960 Oh, yeah.

00:07:58.640 And then, like, one of my friends got jealous.

00:08:01.340 He's like, what?

00:08:01.920 I'm not a.

00:08:02.840 Right.

00:08:03.120 And then I looked at him like, no. 1.00

00:08:05.640 Damn. 1.00

00:08:06.020 Like, hell no. 1.00

00:08:07.040 So you don't.

00:08:07.680 We're cool with the little one.

00:08:08.600 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:08:09.380 I got a pass.

00:08:09.860 So you don't.

00:08:10.440 So you get.

00:08:11.240 So there's times where you get an N-word pass.

00:08:13.720 Like, not to say it, but I get called it.

00:08:16.080 Right.

00:08:16.400 You get to be one.

00:08:17.400 Yeah.

00:08:17.760 Wow.

00:08:19.020 You're really in.

00:08:20.720 Well, yeah.

00:08:21.200 That's crazy.

00:08:21.880 Yeah, so there's not, like, now, if I walk down the street and I see another person who has some kind of disability, either they're in a chair or another dwarf, then we give each other, like, a nod, like, what's up? 0.95

00:08:35.120 Oh, okay.

00:08:35.580 You know the struggle.

00:08:36.600 I love that.

00:08:37.360 But that kind of stops there.

00:08:38.720 It doesn't go into, like, because, yeah, I always wondered, like, if you see a black guy and they're in, like, a play, like, because, you know, a lot of black people feel like outliers kind of, you know, in the U.S., and so I was wondering, like.

00:08:47.600 Like, but they don't do that with each other, either.

00:08:49.060 It's not, like, black people nod at, like, Puerto Ricans or Vietnamese or, like, you know what I'm saying?

00:08:53.580 I don't know.

00:08:54.200 I don't think that they do that.

00:08:55.180 That doesn't cross borders. 0.98

00:08:56.220 Like, lesbians aren't, like, what's up, black guy? 1.00

00:08:57.780 This has been three white guys discuss race. 0.96

00:09:00.260 But I don't think they do that with each other.

00:09:01.460 But we're just wondering.

00:09:02.160 I don't know. 0.90

00:09:02.740 You're the closest thing we have to a black guy right now. 0.98

00:09:05.200 You know what I'm saying? 0.98

00:09:05.960 Not enough, you know. 1.00

00:09:07.040 I would have the ass for it. 1.00

00:09:07.840 Yeah. 0.99

00:09:08.140 Wait, so when you're in Texas with the guys that you went to, like, high school with and stuff, and you guys are just, it's just you guys back home.

00:09:12.940 Do you guys give each other N-word passes?

00:09:14.760 Oh, that's a good point.

00:09:15.720 I mean, people use it a lot more.

00:09:17.700 I don't think anybody's giving passes, though.

00:09:20.560 You guys just give it to each other?

00:09:22.820 I think people definitely maybe stole a packet of passes.

00:09:26.120 Yeah, yeah.

00:09:27.040 Yo, look what I got these passes we can use while we're at home tonight.

00:09:30.240 Just us.

00:09:31.500 I think people, somebody definitely stole a packet of passes from the principal's office.

00:09:34.700 Where'd you get that?

00:09:35.460 Oh, man, they're everywhere in Texas.

00:09:36.620 Man, like, I just remember, Ralphie Mae would always just say it and not care. 0.87

00:09:45.220 Like, he would say it.

00:09:46.120 Because he was at a weight.

00:09:47.260 I feel like he was, like, a kind of a weight, you know, like a, like he had that, like he had a, he had a.

00:09:55.020 I never understood how he got away with it.

00:09:56.460 If you get to a certain level of something where it's, like, you feel like maybe, like, you're an outcast or something.

00:10:01.680 He'd always go, I'm from Chattanooga.

00:10:03.300 So I can say, it's like, I've been to Chattanooga.

00:10:05.280 It's like the most segregated place in the world.

00:10:07.600 Dude, he used to say Chattanooga. 0.96

00:10:08.460 It is white here, black there.

00:10:10.360 He did.

00:10:11.320 Really?

00:10:11.740 Yeah.

00:10:12.000 He'd say, I'm the number one Chatta.

00:10:13.620 Oh, really?

00:10:14.440 And finish it off, dude.

00:10:15.520 Yeah, yeah.

00:10:15.760 That's wild.

00:10:16.360 And Chattanooga's definitely a little racist anyway. 0.98

00:10:19.520 Oh, yeah.

00:10:19.920 It's so segregated. 0.99

00:10:20.820 And if he's a big, fat, white guy, he was probably on the white side. 0.96

00:10:22.980 I mean, just by name. 0.98

00:10:24.000 I didn't mean just by name, dude.

00:10:25.540 You know?

00:10:26.380 Like, if your high school's, like, the Nougars. 1.00

00:10:29.560 Like, that's insane.

00:10:31.120 Oh, look this up.

00:10:33.360 This has got to stop, man.

00:10:34.560 This has got to stop.

00:10:35.600 I don't know if it's a high school or a college in Oklahoma where, like, their mascot is,

00:10:42.660 like, the Fightin' Midgets.

00:10:44.220 Really?

00:10:44.680 Yeah.

00:10:45.580 And, like, everyone, there's some high school.

00:10:48.500 There was one in Illinois, actually.

00:10:49.920 I know a kid that I think went to a school and the Midget was a mascot, a Fighting Midgets 0.82

00:10:53.700 mascot.

00:10:53.900 Fightin' Midgets mascot, Dickinson High School.

00:10:55.880 South Dakota, of course.

00:10:56.720 Oh, South Dakota.

00:10:57.840 North Dakota.

00:10:59.020 There it is.

00:10:59.840 Dickinson High School in North Dakota.

00:11:01.920 Oh, the Mustangs.

00:11:04.140 They changed it from the Midgets to the Mustangs?

00:11:06.860 I don't know if I like that.

00:11:08.280 The little people of America have more clout than all of Native Americans. 1.00

00:11:13.260 Because, like, the Redskins, they're just like, we're not changing them, man.

00:11:15.800 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:11:16.620 In fact, on opening day, we're going to bring out some Native Americans.

00:11:19.460 We'll pay them some money, put them in Chiefs jerseys or whatever, Redskins jerseys.

00:11:22.720 And say, no, we're cool with it, before they even consider changing it.

00:11:26.960 Right.

00:11:27.300 We'll have Chief Wahoo from the Cleveland Indians, who's just a white guy who's, like, riding 0.97

00:11:34.520 a horse out there.

00:11:35.440 I love Chief Wahoo, though.

00:11:36.580 I'm a big fan of Chief Wahoo.

00:11:38.140 Really?

00:11:38.600 You know the guy?

00:11:39.220 No, I don't know the guy, but I'm saying, like, the Indians, you know why they're called

00:11:42.600 the Indians?

00:11:43.280 I'm going to nerd out.

00:11:43.900 I love baseball.

00:11:44.780 Because it's from Indiana?

00:11:45.920 Nope.

00:11:46.960 That's a good guess, though.

00:11:47.840 Cleveland?

00:11:48.500 No, they were called the Cleveland Spiders, and then they had, like, the first ever Native

00:11:53.220 American on the baseball team.

00:11:54.440 Oh, wow.

00:11:55.140 And then they got, like, a second Native American, and they were the only team that had, like,

00:11:59.560 two Native Americans.

00:12:00.700 And so one of the guys on the Cleveland Spiders at the time goes, man, we should start calling

00:12:05.200 ourselves the Cleveland Indians.

00:12:06.480 He's, like, basically razzing his teammates.

00:12:08.280 Yeah.

00:12:08.460 And they were like, yeah, it'd make us look super progressive, and it'd be good.

00:12:12.540 So they literally started calling them the Cleveland Indians.

00:12:15.940 They changed the team name.

00:12:17.060 Wow.

00:12:17.120 The original Chief Wahoo was actually, he looked a little less racist.

00:12:20.880 He kind of looked like one of these Simpsons guys.

00:12:22.420 He was, like, a yellow-faced Chief Wahoo.

00:12:24.560 And that's the thing, Judd Apatow has that great joke they did on the Tonight Show.

00:12:27.500 It was, like, any drawing of a Jewish person is inherently anti-Semitic.

00:12:31.560 Yeah.

00:12:31.960 Because, like, if I handed you a paper and said, draw a Jewish person, and then you hand 0.82

00:12:34.940 it back to me, it's going to look pretty offensive.

00:12:36.600 Right.

00:12:36.860 Because you're trying to draw the attributes of the person.

00:12:39.860 Same thing happened with this.

00:12:40.740 They said, draw an Indian. 1.00

00:12:41.900 And the guy's like, yeah, he's a cartoonist.

00:12:43.200 Here, scroll down.

00:12:44.120 You can see that you see the Chief Wahoo.

00:12:44.760 Yeah, the original Chief Wahoo.

00:12:45.780 He was kind of yellow.

00:12:46.720 And then they had to, like, redo it because Native Americans and people were very upset.

00:12:50.100 But look at the new one.

00:12:52.220 The new one, they just gave him veneers, made him red.

00:12:56.880 They made him, yeah.

00:12:58.280 Chief Wahoo.

00:12:58.940 And also, Chief Wahoo is supposed to mean, like, celebrating Indians.

00:13:01.840 Like, Wahoo!

00:13:02.920 We're celebrating.

00:13:04.060 So, it's all well-intentioned, I say.

00:13:06.580 Like, all the Indian stuff is pretty well-intentioned.

00:13:09.240 It's just amazing to me that they changed the name to the Cleveland Indians after they

00:13:12.780 had two Indian players.

00:13:14.440 Like, can you imagine if...

00:13:15.860 But that's kind of nice, though, when you think about it.

00:13:17.520 Yeah, they thought they were doing, like, a funny, cool thing.

00:13:19.680 Yeah, but, like, just imagine if all teams did that.

00:13:21.840 Like, when Jackie Robinson first went on the Dodgers.

00:13:24.300 That's great.

00:13:24.660 They're like, well, we're not the Dodgers anymore.

00:13:25.960 We're the...

00:13:26.800 And then you say some terms.

00:13:27.720 The Jackies.

00:13:28.400 Dude, they used to be the Atlanta Crackers.

00:13:31.040 And that was a Negro Leagues team.

00:13:32.280 Really?

00:13:32.620 The Atlanta Crackers.

00:13:33.500 Oh, that's hilarious.

00:13:34.300 Oh, they were called the Atlanta Black Crackers.

00:13:36.240 Oh, the Black Crackers? 1.00

00:13:37.240 Because they were kind of saying, like, we're like a team of white boys.

00:13:39.660 I don't know if that's how that worked, but they were the...

00:13:41.640 There you go.

00:13:42.160 The Atlanta Crackers played first in the Southern Association game, baseball, 1902.

00:13:49.500 Yeah, and I don't know if that's why they were called that, but I think the origins

00:13:53.940 of the team name is unknown.

00:13:54.880 But there was a...

00:13:55.920 If you go to the Negro League Museum...

00:13:57.940 Which is a great museum.

00:13:59.740 It's awesome.

00:13:59.880 It's right by the Jazz Museum.

00:14:00.780 I don't even have time for the Jazz Museum, because I just...

00:14:02.400 They thought I was patronizing them.

00:14:03.720 Wait, where in Cleveland?

00:14:04.940 No, the Negro League Museum is in Kansas City.

00:14:07.080 Yeah, it is awesome.

00:14:08.440 It's awesome, yeah.

00:14:08.860 And I stayed over there so much, because I just love baseball so much.

00:14:11.500 And they were like...

00:14:12.040 They thought I was mocking them.

00:14:13.180 They're like, nobody likes it this much.

00:14:14.500 Like, this guy's been in there for like six hours.

00:14:16.120 I like watched everything.

00:14:16.780 I read everything. 0.99

00:14:17.600 That's how I know all this crap. 0.98

00:14:18.620 But yeah, they were called the Atlanta Crackers. 0.98

00:14:22.740 And I think that they were doing that as like an FU to the White League. 0.62

00:14:26.080 Like, all right, we'll be the Crackers.

00:14:27.940 Well, because when I saw that high school was called the Fightin' Midgets, I'm like, I want

00:14:32.160 a t-shirt.

00:14:32.800 Yeah, it's cool.

00:14:33.100 You know what I mean?

00:14:33.560 Like, I don't want you to shut down.

00:14:35.440 I want a shirt.

00:14:35.500 If the intentions are good, I think that's how I measure it.

00:14:38.300 Not everyone measures it that way, but that's how I measure it.

00:14:40.060 That, and it's like, you're naming your school the Fightin' Midgets.

00:14:44.140 That means you think that the midget is intimidating. 1.00

00:14:47.260 It's powerful, yeah.

00:14:47.880 You know what I mean?

00:14:48.260 That means it's like, oh, you're a tiger? 1.00

00:14:50.200 Fuck you. 1.00

00:14:50.780 We're the midgets. 1.00

00:14:51.740 And when in real life, we would be a snack. 0.88

00:14:54.640 But they're like, no.

00:14:55.940 Our Fightin' Midgets would be the Tigers.

00:14:57.800 What's worse, being ignored and acting like you're not a thing?

00:15:00.520 Yes.

00:15:01.020 Or being acknowledged and dealing with whatever kind of uncomfortability of that difference

00:15:05.400 is.

00:15:05.800 Does that make sense?

00:15:06.520 No, totally.

00:15:07.320 And because the worst thing you could do to anyone who is, quote, unquote, different

00:15:12.000 is ignore that person and ignore the difference.

00:15:15.320 Yeah.

00:15:16.380 Like, if I see a guy, it happened this weekend.

00:15:20.460 Oh, okay.

00:15:21.560 This.

00:15:22.560 So, I did shows in Oklahoma City this weekend.

00:15:26.600 And right in the front row, a female dwarf sat right in the front row. 1.00

00:15:31.800 And it's just, it was like, okay, I have to mention this.

00:15:35.420 I can't not talk about the fact that there's a dwarf right there in the front row. 0.97

00:15:39.120 And I asked her what she did for a living. 0.99

00:15:42.060 And no bullshit. 0.99

00:15:43.520 She goes, I'm a psychologist. 0.99

00:15:44.740 And I go, and I started laughing.

00:15:46.820 And everyone's like, why are you laughing?

00:15:48.220 I go, because she's a shrink.

00:15:52.020 Oh, that's perfect.

00:15:53.140 And I'm like, come on.

00:15:54.800 You've got to keep it.

00:15:55.140 That's perfect.

00:15:55.700 Did she love it?

00:15:56.400 She loved it.

00:15:57.200 And that moment would have never happened if I would have just ignored, like, oh, I don't

00:16:02.200 see another little person in my audience.

00:16:04.460 What's up, big Tiffany?

00:16:05.620 She's like, no one's ever called me that.

00:16:08.280 That's a big girl.

00:16:09.260 But that's how I want to live my life.

00:16:11.060 It's like, I'm friends with lots of different people in walks of life.

00:16:13.800 I don't just blanketly think I'm a good person and not knowing.

00:16:16.320 You know how many people are like, we've got to fight for these trans rights.

00:16:18.760 I'm like, name five of your trans friends.

00:16:20.560 And they're like, well, I've never met a trans. 1.00

00:16:22.400 Yeah, exactly. 1.00

00:16:23.320 Shut the hell up. 0.99

00:16:23.940 Yeah, it gets crooked like that, dude. 0.99

00:16:26.080 It's just hectic, man.

00:16:28.300 It's hectic to like, yeah, I think it, but naturally you feel a certain way.

00:16:32.940 Like, naturally you kind of know how to behave.

00:16:35.140 Yeah.

00:16:35.400 You know, I feel like.

00:16:36.420 And then you can tell if somebody else is upset.

00:16:38.920 Yeah.

00:16:39.280 And then you go, okay, that was bad.

00:16:41.240 Right.

00:16:41.560 That was too much.

00:16:42.420 And then you apologize.

00:16:43.200 But I like that you're asking him, like, questions.

00:16:45.340 I mean, you guys have probably been friends for a long time, but you'll ask him questions.

00:16:47.620 Like, hey, is it okay if I just ask you?

00:16:48.820 And that's, I think, way more respectful than having someone and just completely, like, my buddies,

00:16:53.940 my buddy Nico, his son has like a, like, kind of a birth defect in his hand.

00:16:58.560 So he's kind of like.

00:16:59.120 What, he's like Spock?

00:17:00.120 Yeah, kind of like a Ninja Turtle, you know?

00:17:01.300 He's got like three.

00:17:02.600 Oh, like Ryan E. Miller kind of.

00:17:04.560 Like, what do you mean?

00:17:05.380 Like a.

00:17:05.700 I just asked.

00:17:07.640 What happened?

00:17:08.380 Yeah.

00:17:08.800 And he was happy to talk about it.

00:17:10.220 And we didn't have to be this like weird, like, hey, what happened to your son?

00:17:12.880 You know?

00:17:13.100 Yeah.

00:17:13.560 Yeah.

00:17:13.760 You, I think that's how you should address those things.

00:17:15.980 Yeah.

00:17:16.160 Let's talk about.

00:17:16.700 That's how I do it.

00:17:17.120 Usually like, if I'll see somebody that's missing a limb or something, I'll just ask him, hey, what

00:17:20.520 happened?

00:17:21.260 You know, how did you lose your leg?

00:17:22.300 What happened to your leg?

00:17:23.220 He's like, man, I'm just trying to get a Starbucks.

00:17:24.480 He's like, just tell me what happened to your leg.

00:17:25.640 Yeah.

00:17:26.080 Tell me what happened to that leg.

00:17:27.160 He's like, let me sign it.

00:17:28.160 And they're like, it's not a cast.

00:17:29.240 It's a piece of titanium.

00:17:31.580 And they're like, well.

00:17:32.320 Have a good summer.

00:17:33.180 He's like.

00:17:33.400 Theo Vaughn.

00:17:34.160 Yeah.

00:17:34.620 Get away from me with that.

00:17:35.640 Mark's a lot.

00:17:36.420 Never changed.

00:17:38.880 I want to talk.

00:17:40.080 I'm sitting here with Brad Williams and Jeff Dye, both comedians.

00:17:44.500 Allegedly.

00:17:45.060 Road dogs.

00:17:45.920 We're the road dogs.

00:17:46.980 I mean, I feel like.

00:17:47.580 And you guys, I feel like, are both of the first guys who have gone and performed live

00:17:53.800 comedy since this whole thing.

00:17:56.420 Yeah.

00:17:57.160 We had Wise Guys this weekend.

00:17:58.700 Yeah.

00:17:59.020 And I was.

00:17:59.440 And you're there next weekend, right?

00:18:00.420 Yeah.

00:18:00.680 And I was at.

00:18:01.400 Not virtually.

00:18:02.120 We flew there.

00:18:02.920 We flew there.

00:18:03.760 We did the whole thing.

00:18:04.780 And so crazy.

00:18:05.460 I was at Bricktown Comedy in Oklahoma City.

00:18:08.680 So, yeah.

00:18:09.180 Explain to me.

00:18:09.780 I was at Wise Guys in Salt Lake City.

00:18:11.720 Yeah.

00:18:12.040 Just explain to me why it's crazy.

00:18:13.840 Well, I guess, I mean, my first, I guess, like, I don't have any fear of, like, people

00:18:18.700 coming to the event.

00:18:20.100 I didn't have any, my thoughts, anyway.

00:18:21.780 I didn't have any thoughts about that.

00:18:22.620 I had thoughts about, like, as a comedian being on stage, since there's going to be less

00:18:27.600 people in the audience, would I feel, like, bummed out?

00:18:31.480 Would I feel like this isn't the same?

00:18:33.460 Like, would I feel like.

00:18:34.760 Yeah, I thought about that.

00:18:35.160 And then I started thinking from a business standpoint, like, okay, well, is this business

00:18:38.620 even going to make enough money?

00:18:39.960 Like, are these waitresses going to make enough money tonight? 1.00

00:18:42.080 Like, um.

00:18:43.480 I'll tell you who didn't make enough money.

00:18:44.980 The comedian.

00:18:45.780 Yeah.

00:18:46.640 Well, that's another thing.

00:18:47.300 Because now they've got a reason to go, hey, man, we have a limited audience.

00:18:50.160 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:18:50.880 So, you know, it's only, we have to cap them out at 100.

00:18:53.280 I can't, like, work a bonus deal or anything like that.

00:18:55.780 Yeah, you're just going to have.

00:18:56.720 But the waitress made great money. 1.00

00:18:57.980 They did?

00:18:58.300 Yeah.

00:18:58.440 Yes, because everyone's so, audiences, and you guys will both know this, and maybe anyone

00:19:02.980 that listens that isn't a comedian, you might not know, but audiences are famously, and more

00:19:07.620 so than ever, now that podcasts have blown up, people didn't used to know comedians.

00:19:12.260 They just went to the improv, and they'd maybe hope to see one famous person, and then all

00:19:16.120 the other comedians, they'd be like, this is great.

00:19:17.720 I would say in the last eight years, I've witnessed with the success of you and Segura

00:19:23.460 and basically everyone that's on this wall, is now people, if they haven't seen you before,

00:19:29.060 they're like, who's this guy?

00:19:30.740 I've never heard of him. 1.00

00:19:31.840 And then the vibe shifts to this weird, like, make me laugh, bitch. 0.98

00:19:34.880 Like, that's the vibe, where I'm unfunny until proven funny. 0.84

00:19:37.860 And then it kind of is like, oh, he is funny, and I have never even heard of him, because

00:19:40.920 I listen to all the podcasts.

00:19:42.180 I'm shocked that someone is funny that I don't know, right?

00:19:44.760 Whereas that totally changed.

00:19:46.640 Yeah.

00:19:46.760 This weekend, dude, people were so generous.

00:19:49.460 Like, one dude tipped our server, like, 200 bucks.

00:19:51.580 Wow.

00:19:51.820 All these people were gushing to me, like, oh, my God, thank you.

00:19:54.340 They were just so happy.

00:19:55.820 I was crushing on, like, throwaway lines.

00:19:58.360 So it was very generous.

00:19:59.420 Yeah.

00:19:59.660 Did you feel, what were some of you guys' fears going into it, before we even talk about

00:20:04.200 what the weekends were like?

00:20:06.260 Like, did you have any, like, just, or thoughts, even just thoughts?

00:20:09.020 Yeah.

00:20:09.600 I wasn't worried about the shows, and in terms of, like, you look out in the audience and

00:20:13.560 sounds different because it's at a third capacity or a half capacity or

00:20:15.960 capacity or whatever it is.

00:20:18.220 My philosophy is, okay, or I could stay home and there's no show.

00:20:22.080 There's no one getting laughs.

00:20:23.620 There's nothing, you know?

00:20:25.240 So, and yeah, you're not going to just flip a switch and we all come back and it's exactly

00:20:29.760 the way it was.

00:20:30.320 Right.

00:20:30.620 We got to gradually get into it and, you know, kind of test the waters a little bit, and

00:20:35.180 then if it's good, then we'll move up to the next level.

00:20:37.740 I was more worried about the travel than anything.

00:20:40.520 That, and it was, for me, like, the worst part for me wasn't the shows.

00:20:44.600 I love the shows.

00:20:45.720 The audiences, much like you said, were great.

00:20:49.640 They were so starved for content.

00:20:51.720 They wanted to go out.

00:20:52.560 They wanted to have fun.

00:20:53.300 But traveling, that was weird because you had to wear the mask the whole time, which

00:20:59.560 when you go to the grocery store, it's like, okay, it's an hour, but when you're flying,

00:21:03.560 when I'm flying to Oklahoma City, that's six hours of wearing a mask.

00:21:05.340 You don't realize how many snacks you try to sneak in there.

00:21:07.940 I'm trying to drink drinks, you know?

00:21:09.200 Yeah.

00:21:09.580 Like, that's six hours of wearing a mask.

00:21:11.540 And then, like.

00:21:12.260 My ears are hurting, you know?

00:21:13.500 You know, yeah.

00:21:14.360 And, like, they're not serving food on the plane, so you got to, like, if it's a long flight,

00:21:18.740 you're like, okay, I got to snack up before I get on.

00:21:22.300 And were the seats spaced out on your flights more?

00:21:24.280 Was there something like that? 0.99

00:21:25.240 Southwest was American Airlines did not give a fuck. 0.99

00:21:28.460 You're too famous to fly Southwest, Brad, first of all. 0.99

00:21:32.240 This guy's flying Southwest.

00:21:33.360 You're killing it, man.

00:21:34.320 I did. 0.97

00:21:34.640 I've been on there.

00:21:36.380 We're all too famous for Southwest.

00:21:36.960 It was 98 bucks to fly back.

00:21:38.460 Hey, you got to fly back.

00:21:39.240 So I flew from LAX to Salt Lake City and then Salt Lake City to Seattle.

00:21:43.200 Seattle to LAX because they canceled all these, like, legs of flight.

00:21:45.640 Right, right, right.

00:21:46.300 So it took, like, a longer trip home.

00:21:47.020 There was nobody in the airports.

00:21:49.060 Nobody on my flight.

00:21:49.940 That was kind of eerie.

00:21:51.060 But that's pretty safe.

00:21:52.220 I mean, like, if I see no people, I'm not afraid.

00:21:54.500 Yeah.

00:21:54.720 Also, I will say, and I know this is going to annoy all the liberal New York comedians

00:21:58.560 that I'm going to say this, but I dealt with it pretty, like, selfishly.

00:22:01.240 Like, I was like, I'm not afraid.

00:22:02.520 I want to go tell jokes.

00:22:03.780 I'm wearing the mask out of respect for others. 0.99

00:22:05.280 If you want to come hug me, I don't give a shit. 0.98

00:22:06.880 Like, I'm so... 0.98

00:22:08.540 Well, and also, like, for you...

00:22:10.080 I don't care.

00:22:10.940 Like, for you personally, you're in that group that, according to the science, it's like,

00:22:16.060 you should be fine.

00:22:17.200 Right.

00:22:17.400 Like, you don't have an immune problem.

00:22:19.360 You're a healthy guy. 1.00

00:22:20.800 You got a big dick. 1.00

00:22:21.700 Like, you will be fine. 1.00

00:22:23.000 Well, I will say, the people that come to my shows obviously seem to not care either.

00:22:28.040 Right.

00:22:28.620 And I don't... 1.00

00:22:29.300 Like, so if they get me sick or I get them sick, fuck them. 1.00

00:22:32.120 Yeah, if they come out, yeah, that's a thing. 1.00

00:22:33.620 They came out.

00:22:34.700 Yeah.

00:22:34.840 And so it's like, I'm not hurting Graham Graham.

00:22:36.700 She's at home.

00:22:37.460 Right.

00:22:38.680 And I know that that's a selfish take, and I'm admitting that I'm selfish, because I

00:22:42.060 just want to get back to comedy so bad.

00:22:44.340 Yeah.

00:22:44.500 And I'm so tired of being at my house with my dog.

00:22:46.500 Like, I tried to do one of those virtual shows.

00:22:48.300 Had a great time, but it wasn't the same.

00:22:50.360 Yeah, I did a few of those too.

00:22:51.660 It was weird.

00:22:52.180 And so I need to...

00:22:52.480 I needed it.

00:22:54.080 I needed to, like...

00:22:55.420 I need my hotel rooms.

00:22:56.660 I need to flirt with girls. 0.90

00:22:57.640 I need to tell jokes.

00:22:58.740 I needed some sort of semblance of what I'm used to.

00:23:01.020 But whenever you got to the club, like, did you feel like...

00:23:04.920 Did they seem really, really excited to, like, be back in business?

00:23:08.020 Yeah.

00:23:08.720 They were stoked.

00:23:09.960 And the waitstaff was stoked because they had a job.

00:23:13.480 You know?

00:23:13.600 Yeah.

00:23:13.800 And that's, like...

00:23:15.000 People were happy, man.

00:23:15.960 Yeah.

00:23:16.580 Yeah.

00:23:17.160 It's...

00:23:17.600 I mean, I'll respect anyone's wishes if they want to stay home, if they want to go

00:23:21.960 out, whatever.

00:23:22.980 But, like, I understand when you say, oh, all the restaurants are closed.

00:23:26.540 There's some people there that just, okay, they can't hunker down for...

00:23:31.020 ...for three, four months and then be fine.

00:23:33.340 Like, their rent is due.

00:23:34.520 They got to buy food.

00:23:36.560 They got to do all these things.

00:23:37.820 Like, so, I respect that if they're like, no, I have to go work.

00:23:41.660 But also, we weren't at a beach.

00:23:43.700 Like...

00:23:44.020 Yeah.

00:23:44.380 Like, laying on each other and sweating and kissing and stuff.

00:23:48.300 I was at a comedy club in...

00:23:50.220 And that literally, like, everybody that came in had their temperature taken.

00:23:53.600 Yep.

00:23:53.740 Okay.

00:23:54.080 They had their hands sanitized.

00:23:55.520 Really?

00:23:55.740 They had to wear a mask to come in.

00:23:57.020 They had to wear their mask on the way out.

00:23:58.520 When they get sat at their table, the tables are six feet apart.

00:24:01.440 Right?

00:24:01.580 There's no party larger than four.

00:24:03.520 Each comic had their own separate microphone that were sanitized in between the shows.

00:24:07.620 So, I mean, there's a safe way to do this.

00:24:10.340 Did you bring your mic from...

00:24:11.320 You didn't bring...

00:24:11.680 I jokingly brought a mic from home to do, like, gag that...

00:24:14.200 I used to do this gag where...

00:24:16.160 This is going to be bad.

00:24:18.080 Sorry.

00:24:18.760 Yeah.

00:24:19.140 It was...

00:24:19.820 I'm joking.

00:24:20.480 It was bad.

00:24:21.580 Well, actually, I'll tell you.

00:24:22.500 It was funny once.

00:24:23.820 If you see me at the store and then you see me do it again in the improv, you're like, 1.00

00:24:27.280 I just saw this idiot. 1.00

00:24:28.780 So, the joke is, like, I would come out... 1.00

00:24:30.780 I did this way before the quarantine.

00:24:32.740 I would come out and I would, like, look like I was, like, disgusted with, like, the microphone.

00:24:37.300 And I would, like, take it out and then put it on the table.

00:24:39.740 And then I'd pull out, like, gold microphone out of my back pocket and pop it in and just

00:24:43.100 act like...

00:24:43.760 And then everyone, like, laughed because they were, like, so confused by me doing the first

00:24:47.000 part.

00:24:47.320 Right.

00:24:47.480 And then I'd be like, yeah, you know, they don't clean those things.

00:24:49.380 And it just makes me look like this elitist kind of guy.

00:24:51.380 Oh, I like that.

00:24:52.180 The problem with that bit is it's hilarious if I'm following, like, that, you know, Drew,

00:24:56.880 that stuttering guy, or if I'm following, you know, Theo or something.

00:24:59.940 But if I'm following, like, Miss Pat and I just come out and I'm like...

00:25:03.480 Oh, yeah.

00:25:04.580 I just...

00:25:05.160 Like, now the crowd's like, what the hell was that, man?

00:25:08.140 Yeah. 0.99

00:25:09.320 Is this dude, like, a racist... 0.83

00:25:11.020 Like, so that's why I had to stop.

00:25:12.240 I stopped doing it.

00:25:13.060 I basically...

00:25:13.220 Bobby Lee does it.

00:25:13.920 You're like, you know those people.

00:25:15.200 Yeah.

00:25:15.460 You're like, oh.

00:25:16.060 You know, those people that aren't welcome at the VFW.

00:25:18.680 You know what I'm talking about? 0.95

00:25:20.300 And I'm so dumb that I didn't put that together. 0.95

00:25:22.040 I was just like, why did nobody laugh this time? 1.00

00:25:24.220 Like, dude, you look like an asshole. 1.00

00:25:26.340 And so I stopped doing it. 1.00

00:25:27.700 But then I was like... 1.00

00:25:28.180 Because Jamar Neighbors went on before you, and now you look like a piece of shit. 1.00

00:25:31.100 I'm so dumb and even connected. 1.00

00:25:33.460 So I brought that same mic and did the same gag each show for this. 0.99

00:25:37.680 Oh, that's fun.

00:25:38.240 Yeah, because there was four mics for all...

00:25:39.460 And I said, take one of those mics down, and I'm going to pretend like they didn't leave 1.00

00:25:42.900 me a mic.

00:25:43.880 And I'm just going to have to do the gag that I brought my own.

00:25:46.340 Yeah.

00:25:46.660 And that's the thing is, like you said, there's precautions that you could take.

00:25:50.300 So it's definitely...

00:25:51.940 Like, it's not...

00:25:53.180 Yes, the safest thing would be to just stay in your homes and throw a blanket over you

00:25:57.960 and never leave your house.

00:25:59.320 Yeah, that's the safest thing.

00:26:00.460 But there are ways to do these shows that it's like, okay, yeah, take temperatures, stay

00:26:06.300 spread apart.

00:26:07.100 And no one was sat at a table with someone they didn't know.

00:26:10.560 So it's like, yeah, if you came in the same car together, you sat at the same table together.

00:26:14.840 And I have coronavirus, and I feel fine, man.

00:26:16.820 I don't know what the big hubbub is, you know?

00:26:18.600 Dude, coronavirus models would be cool if they had like a group of men or women that 0.91

00:26:22.380 have it, but that are fine.

00:26:23.500 We should do that.

00:26:23.760 Just pretend.

00:26:24.280 Yeah.

00:26:24.620 Put like some sores on us that just act like...

00:26:27.240 I don't know who it would be.

00:26:29.240 What comedians would be...

00:26:30.440 I've always...

00:26:31.140 Jeff's only...

00:26:32.200 He used to be like kind of you.

00:26:34.080 What?

00:26:34.300 Maybe DeLea gets factored in, I think, by his confidence.

00:26:37.300 Oh, for like...

00:26:38.000 Handsome, good-looking models, dude.

00:26:39.560 Male comedians.

00:26:40.240 Oh, there's tons, man.

00:26:40.780 Kevin Hart, John Mulaney.

00:26:42.220 Lachlan Peterson.

00:26:43.240 Lachlan Peterson.

00:26:43.820 Lachlan.

00:26:43.840 No one's better looking.

00:26:44.940 I wouldn't throw Mulaney in there.

00:26:46.120 Lachlan Patterson, isn't it?

00:26:46.700 What's that?

00:26:47.100 Lachlan Patterson?

00:26:47.780 Patterson, sorry. 0.99

00:26:48.600 I fucked up his name. 0.94

00:26:49.600 Lachlan Patterson. 0.99

00:26:50.400 No one's better looking than Lachlan Patterson.

00:26:52.460 There is that generic, like...

00:26:53.720 Not generic, but there's that old ideology like, oh, he's too good-looking to be a comedian

00:26:57.980 or something.

00:26:58.380 Yeah.

00:26:58.500 But if you look at like how many...

00:26:59.840 Like, there's tons of good-looking comedians.

00:27:01.920 Yeah.

00:27:02.240 Are there?

00:27:02.520 Yeah.

00:27:03.240 Richard Pryor, I guess, was kind of handsome.

00:27:04.920 You're a good-looking guy, Theo.

00:27:06.220 Like, you're like an attractive guy.

00:27:07.600 Well, but then it's like...

00:27:08.740 I'm an eight.

00:27:09.040 Jerry Seinfeld's not ugly.

00:27:10.740 Johnny Carson was handsome.

00:27:12.460 Yeah, because you also have to factor in...

00:27:14.960 Letterman's ugly, right?

00:27:15.880 But he's... 0.93

00:27:16.280 We're looking at it from the scope of Los Angeles.

00:27:19.180 Like, oh, well, I'm in LA 6 or whatever.

00:27:21.880 But yeah, but then you go out to South Dakota to perform for the Fightin' Midgets, and you're

00:27:25.760 like, oh, I'm a nine.

00:27:26.740 Exactly.

00:27:27.160 This is awesome.

00:27:28.020 Yeah, Chris is a good-looking.

00:27:28.860 Chris D'Elia is a good-looking...

00:27:29.760 There's like a...

00:27:30.540 Think about...

00:27:30.980 Look at Lachlan.

00:27:31.580 Lachlan, Jesus.

00:27:32.100 Look at Lachlan.

00:27:32.660 Lachlan is handsome.

00:27:33.540 That is a handsome dude.

00:27:36.000 What's the guy...

00:27:36.440 Sometimes I don't even know what he's talking about, dude.

00:27:38.000 He could be a comedian.

00:27:38.760 He could be working for Postmates.

00:27:40.300 Jack Knight's a good-looking guy, but nobody would ever go, you're too good-looking to do 0.97

00:27:43.160 comedy, because that's a black guy. 0.99

00:27:44.640 So they're just going to go, you know, that's his thing's a black guy. 0.92

00:27:47.680 You can't say that he's too handsome.

00:27:50.020 Yeah.

00:27:50.380 You spelled Jack wrong.

00:27:51.880 Jack, he spells J-A-K-K.

00:27:53.080 But they found it, though.

00:27:54.000 Okay.

00:27:54.320 Google's like, we know what you mean, white guy.

00:27:57.300 I know.

00:27:58.060 But that's the thing.

00:27:58.740 It's like, why is it when Kevin Hart's handsome, they're not like, he's too good-looking for

00:28:02.200 comedy. 0.85

00:28:02.620 They're like, well, he's short, and he's a black guy. 0.92

00:28:04.320 Let him...

00:28:04.620 It's like, what?

00:28:05.200 He's a really...

00:28:05.820 He's got abs.

00:28:06.000 Well, there's a black pass.

00:28:06.840 You get a black pass for a lot of stuff.

00:28:08.120 Super handsome.

00:28:08.960 You know?

00:28:09.520 Yeah.

00:28:09.840 So, yeah.

00:28:11.020 There's some good-looking dudes out there.

00:28:11.640 You had to grow a mullet, for God's sakes.

00:28:13.180 Everyone was going, that guy's too good-looking.

00:28:14.920 Oh, dude.

00:28:15.380 I felt horrible.

00:28:16.200 I felt so uncomfortable without long hair.

00:28:18.260 Really?

00:28:18.840 Oh, dude.

00:28:19.520 Once I grew my hair long, I never...

00:28:21.760 Now, I couldn't even imagine it being short again.

00:28:23.540 I just felt...

00:28:24.800 I don't know.

00:28:25.280 I just felt so exposed before.

00:28:28.140 Dude, if you never grow...

00:28:29.020 Because here's what happened.

00:28:29.860 I saw pictures of myself.

00:28:30.720 I said, man, I never had long hair.

00:28:32.160 I'm never going to have it in my whole life, I guess.

00:28:34.320 And so, then I grew it out, and I was like, oh, wow, dude.

00:28:36.500 I love this.

00:28:37.080 This is what I was supposed to have.

00:28:38.400 You look like Mitch Williams. 1.00

00:28:38.880 And some asshole kept taking me to get my hair cut. 1.00

00:28:40.760 My mother. 1.00

00:28:43.360 Miss Bobby, dude.

00:28:44.180 This lady named Miss Bobby. 1.00

00:28:45.460 You got a camera.

00:28:45.860 And I thought she was a man forever because of her name.

00:28:48.260 But she wasn't.

00:28:48.980 It was just...

00:28:49.680 She was like 90, and they used to call B-O-B-B-I-E. 0.99

00:28:52.660 And she used to cut my hair for fucking $4, dude. 1.00

00:28:55.640 Miss Bobby. 1.00

00:28:56.360 Miss Bobby.

00:28:57.200 Shout out to that dude.

00:28:58.240 Miss Bobby.

00:28:59.120 She had scissors. 1.00

00:29:00.420 That was her, basically, her... 0.54

00:29:02.200 That's how she got the job. 0.79

00:29:03.560 Her qualifications.

00:29:04.360 Yeah, yeah.

00:29:04.380 It's like, oh, yeah.

00:29:05.360 You just show up.

00:29:06.400 You cut one.

00:29:07.120 You figure it out. 1.00

00:29:07.460 You look like shit. 1.00

00:29:07.980 No mirrors in the whole place where you cut it. 1.00

00:29:09.880 No.

00:29:10.160 No mirrors, bro.

00:29:10.940 No, she doesn't want you to critique it.

00:29:13.120 Yeah.

00:29:14.580 So, what else at the place?

00:29:16.420 I didn't even think about the mics.

00:29:17.440 So, the microphones on stage...

00:29:19.260 Yeah.

00:29:19.380 Because I'm just trying to think, like...

00:29:21.360 Yeah, to me, did it feel like you guys were pioneers? 0.98

00:29:24.120 Like, did you guys feel like, holy shit, like... 0.97

00:29:26.300 I didn't think I was until I got back. 0.98

00:29:29.200 I posted.

00:29:29.920 You didn't post yours.

00:29:31.280 I post on Instagram.

00:29:32.760 I posted all mine on all the stuff.

00:29:34.980 Just say, hey, I'm out.

00:29:36.000 Comedy's back.

00:29:36.680 Let's do this.

00:29:37.240 Come to the shows.

00:29:38.020 Let's have a good time.

00:29:38.840 Blah, blah, blah.

00:29:39.320 Yeah.

00:29:39.520 Um, and I must have gotten, and I'm not exaggerating, probably 40 people, 40 comics, either text

00:29:44.900 or called the next day.

00:29:45.980 Looking for work?

00:29:46.780 Looking to get the...

00:29:47.280 No, saying, what was that like?

00:29:48.680 Oh, yeah.

00:29:49.340 Yeah.

00:29:49.800 Everybody.

00:29:50.140 Everybody.

00:29:50.700 Yeah.

00:29:51.120 I've never...

00:29:51.740 Annie Letterman's never called my phone in my life.

00:29:54.320 Yeah.

00:29:54.600 We're like, we'll do snotty texts back and forth.

00:29:56.560 Sure.

00:29:56.960 I'm like stoned at a hotel and Annie Letterman's calling.

00:29:59.900 Yeah, she's great to sext with, even though neither one of y'all is going to hook up with

00:30:02.520 each other.

00:30:03.140 Annie, I'm no joke.

00:30:04.180 Annie's great for that. 0.92

00:30:05.020 I didn't know that.

00:30:05.680 She just loves, like, fun conversations, so you can, like...

00:30:08.400 That's great.

00:30:09.340 You can send her horrible things. 0.95

00:30:09.420 You can send her horrible things. 0.81

00:30:10.120 Can I just practice sexting with you? 0.69

00:30:11.320 Oh, yeah.

00:30:11.520 I was bad on the phone with her, because I was just going, like, whoa.

00:30:13.820 I was kind of like...

00:30:14.640 I didn't expect anyone to call.

00:30:15.860 I don't know.

00:30:16.240 I shouldn't even have answered.

00:30:17.420 Yeah.

00:30:17.920 I got a few comics calling me, too.

00:30:20.100 That was weird.

00:30:20.420 And it's like, you guys know that it's just, like, it's comedy, right?

00:30:23.980 It's the same.

00:30:24.580 Like, it was...

00:30:25.640 It was the same.

00:30:26.360 It was the same.

00:30:27.620 Yeah.

00:30:27.780 There's a few less people.

00:30:28.800 So, I was more bummed that, like, in between shows or during the daytime, I couldn't walk

00:30:35.200 around and, like, do things in the city.

00:30:36.980 I did do that.

00:30:37.640 I was bummed about that.

00:30:38.640 I did that, but it was just the same as kind of California, like, where I walked to, like,

00:30:41.840 a coffee shop.

00:30:42.640 I was able to have coffee there.

00:30:44.180 I, like, sat in, like, this park.

00:30:45.480 There was a bar that had, like, an open patio you could sit on.

00:30:47.780 Oh, there you go.

00:30:48.440 So, that was kind of nice.

00:30:49.220 And I was giddy.

00:30:49.980 I wouldn't shut up.

00:30:50.980 I was sitting with two friends.

00:30:52.220 Yeah.

00:30:52.440 And I just, like, was motor-mouthing, because I was so excited to be back, like, in the

00:30:57.800 sunshine on a patio with, like, a cold beer and, like, food.

00:31:00.380 And I was, like, being able to just do...

00:31:02.280 Yeah.

00:31:02.580 Because I've been in my house, man.

00:31:03.700 It's boring.

00:31:04.560 Yeah.

00:31:04.880 And you were...

00:31:05.500 So, you were in Oklahoma City.

00:31:06.720 Yeah.

00:31:07.400 And that was rough because that club, it's a great club.

00:31:12.300 It's in the middle of this downtown area called Bricktown.

00:31:15.500 And, like, I got sad walking around during the day because it's like, there's a minor league

00:31:20.600 baseball park right there.

00:31:22.440 Yeah.

00:31:22.720 The Redbirds?

00:31:23.520 What is it?

00:31:23.840 Oklahoma City Dodgers play.

00:31:25.820 And then the Thunder Stadium is right there, too.

00:31:29.600 And there's a big movie theater.

00:31:31.380 There's a Riverwalk.

00:31:32.380 There's all this stuff.

00:31:33.260 I'm like, wow.

00:31:33.960 If this was all open, this would have been...

00:31:35.940 I could have gone to a baseball game during the day, come a day early, see the Thunder

00:31:39.400 play, see a movie.

00:31:40.680 Like, it would have been a whole great weekend.

00:31:42.680 So, that club's going to be fantastic once everything starts opening up again.

00:31:48.000 It's going to be great.

00:31:48.920 But that one...

00:31:49.200 Who owns the club?

00:31:50.380 Adam Norwest?

00:31:51.360 Yeah.

00:31:51.560 That's the same people that do Tacoma.

00:31:54.680 It looked like they packed them kind of in on yours.

00:31:56.580 I saw a picture of the show.

00:31:58.840 Because I can find any of the stuff.

00:32:00.520 I was looking for yours.

00:32:01.520 Yeah.

00:32:01.780 When he told me you, I was like, I didn't...

00:32:02.940 Brad didn't go on the road.

00:32:03.620 Because I know we talked about you going to Wise Guys.

00:32:06.040 Yeah.

00:32:06.640 Going...

00:32:07.320 You're there this week.

00:32:08.400 Who was there?

00:32:08.960 Yeah.

00:32:09.580 And so I was looking for it.

00:32:11.240 And I only could find, like, a dude tagged you in a photo from, like, the back green room

00:32:15.020 area.

00:32:15.420 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:32:15.920 Like, where the seats were.

00:32:16.960 Yeah.

00:32:17.120 Were you nervous about putting it on social media?

00:32:19.000 I was.

00:32:19.720 I put it on Instagram because that's people that follow you, that, like, they like you,

00:32:23.380 they love you.

00:32:24.940 I was...

00:32:25.240 I didn't put it on Twitter because I was nervous that someone would start retweeting it.

00:32:28.660 I was hoping someone would start... 1.00

00:32:29.880 ...calling me an asshole for going out and earning my goddamn living. 1.00

00:32:33.000 Go ahead, Nicky Glazer, talking about being... 1.00

00:32:35.120 You're such a hero for staying home with your parents.

00:32:37.220 Go ahead, come at me. 0.98

00:32:39.100 Oh, how heroic.

00:32:40.560 You millionaire. 0.98

00:32:41.380 You haven't had sex for two months. 0.99

00:32:42.860 Get a life. 0.85

00:32:43.940 You could do... 1.00

00:32:44.860 Nicky, you do grosser things all the time, bragging about anal sex. 1.00

00:32:48.580 You're worried about a virus nobody's ever seen. 0.99

00:32:51.180 That's a good point, yeah. 1.00

00:32:51.840 Shut up. 0.99

00:32:52.700 Yeah. 1.00

00:32:53.100 Wear a face mask on your b-hole, dude, if you want to really take care of others.

00:32:57.500 No, like, there's some sort of weird, like, heroism, like, oh, we're such heroes.

00:33:02.160 There is.

00:33:02.820 Well, I noticed, too, that there's this thing where I think a lot of people want you to stay home

00:33:07.660 because it gives them, and I'm not saying this about Nicky, but just it gives them a sense of control

00:33:12.000 and a sense of, like, okay, I don't have to do anything.

00:33:16.560 Nobody can do anything.

00:33:17.660 Yeah, right.

00:33:17.880 There's the photo.

00:33:18.600 It keeps them in a safe space.

00:33:20.020 Yeah, that's the one I was referring to.

00:33:21.220 Yeah.

00:33:21.680 They look pretty close to each other.

00:33:23.180 Wow, that's nice, man.

00:33:24.460 Yeah.

00:33:24.960 Well, they only look close to each other compared to where I played, I guess.

00:33:27.740 Well, that, and it's like, okay, I mean, I'll tell you that from this stage,

00:33:31.560 this is a weird angle because, yes, it looks very close to each other, but it's like those

00:33:35.740 photos of the beach where they're, like, so-and-so's on the beach, you know, all the people,

00:33:42.360 and then if you really zoom in, you're like, oh, no, people are separate.

00:33:45.960 Yeah.

00:33:46.300 Like, they're not, like, throwing a towel, like, on top of each other.

00:33:49.580 Or, like, in the NFL, they always air the game from the side, so it looks like those linemen

00:33:53.060 are right next to each other.

00:33:53.980 But if there was, like, a bird's-eye view or if it was north to south, you'd see that there's

00:33:57.180 gaps.

00:33:57.500 Yeah, or, like, whenever you get to catch a fish, remember, if you caught a fish and

00:34:01.500 you put it in the back of a fake truck, remember, and took that picture?

00:34:04.320 You're like, look at this big fish, and it was just a little fish.

00:34:07.500 Yeah, but, dude, it was great, and they all had a-

00:34:10.260 My grandfather used to do that.

00:34:11.660 They all had a great time, and, yeah, it was just so, like, I got so many messages after

00:34:16.640 where-

00:34:16.860 Yeah, everyone's wanting to know.

00:34:18.500 Yeah, and just people just-

00:34:19.500 We had scared friends going, uh-huh.

00:34:21.480 Yeah, and it's like-

00:34:22.120 You're doing that?

00:34:22.760 Yeah, it's almost like you guys are almost like the Neil Armstrong and whoever the-

00:34:26.320 And Buzz Halter, and I feel like, of comedy.

00:34:28.300 I'm not even joking, man.

00:34:29.280 Yeah.

00:34:29.560 It was like, I was like, oh, my God, because I've been taking a break from having guests,

00:34:33.900 just having guests on the podcast, just been really tired, and so-

00:34:36.200 Yeah.

00:34:36.500 But I was like, oh, my God.

00:34:37.420 I said, I just have to know about this.

00:34:39.400 Well, and I think, yeah-

00:34:41.420 That's bread.

00:34:42.060 Yeah, there we go.

00:34:42.920 Oh, nice.

00:34:43.320 That's a good shot.

00:34:44.000 I'm up there.

00:34:44.580 Yeah, well, because I didn't do a meet and greet afterward, so I had a moment where I

00:34:49.800 was like, all right, everyone, take out your phones, and I'm going to do some poses on

00:34:54.080 the stage, so you can have a photo and post on your social media, because I didn't want

00:34:58.640 to do a meet and greet, so I started grabbing the mic stand and doing stuff that I would

00:35:01.500 never do, actually, during my act, and I thought, ah, social distancing.

00:35:04.720 I'll just wave a mic stand around my face.

00:35:06.540 You must be strong, man.

00:35:07.820 Those mic stands are heavy.

00:35:09.020 They are pretty heavy.

00:35:10.260 They're little compact biceps.

00:35:11.560 I also want to go in and, Brad Williams comic, at Brad Williams comic, was amazing.

00:35:18.160 Funny as hell for someone so little.

00:35:19.960 What does that mean?

00:35:22.160 That's the comment.

00:35:23.440 Funny as hell for someone so little.

00:35:24.960 What do you think?

00:35:25.360 A tiny person telling jokes isn't going to be good?

00:35:27.840 I thought his jokes, I thought the laughs would be one third of a-

00:35:31.100 How'd they fit all the funny in that little guy?

00:35:33.380 Yeah, man.

00:35:34.580 I mean, he's tiny.

00:35:35.940 I didn't think a tiny guy would be funny.

00:35:38.400 God bless you, Oklahoma.

00:35:38.820 I will admit, my meet and greet got irresponsible.

00:35:40.740 Yeah, because I'm talking a big game on stage, acting like I don't care.

00:35:44.500 I'm doing all these jokes about how I was like, I didn't get my coronavirus from some

00:35:47.820 millennial sneezing on me in an Uber.

00:35:49.200 When I heard about it, I ordered bats.

00:35:50.560 I ate a bat.

00:35:51.220 That's what I did.

00:35:51.960 I want it from the source.

00:35:53.060 I got it the right way.

00:35:53.880 So I'm doing all these like, and that's riling them up a little.

00:35:56.540 And so it's riling them up in the worst way. 1.00

00:35:59.120 We're like, yeah, fuck these masks. 1.00

00:36:00.780 What do we care? 1.00

00:36:01.280 And that's the worst.

00:36:02.800 That's irresponsible.

00:36:03.540 But I was just doing comedy.

00:36:04.820 And then afterwards at the meet and greet, they're like, hey, can we get a photo with you?

00:36:07.300 And I was like, yeah, you want a mask or no mask?

00:36:08.780 And they're like, dude, we don't care about that.

00:36:10.160 And they're like all touching.

00:36:10.980 It did get a little irresponsible.

00:36:13.940 But do you get nervous at that point a little?

00:36:15.960 No, I don't care.

00:36:16.440 Yeah. 0.94

00:36:16.980 Then the guys are like starting to lick your face and stuff.

00:36:20.060 That was a little inappropriate.

00:36:21.520 It's the same thing I thought as earlier.

00:36:22.860 It's like they're obviously, you know, if they get sick, they get sick.

00:36:26.800 Yeah.

00:36:27.620 That's on them.

00:36:28.420 Yeah, it's interesting.

00:36:29.280 It's like it's definitely become, I think, a lot of people that are, it's like, you know,

00:36:33.980 do I, am I risking getting sick or am I just, do I think that this thing is

00:36:38.640 kind of run its course?

00:36:39.600 Do I feel like we've done everything that we can is like by flattening the curve?

00:36:42.960 It's always kind of two weeks, you know, every time they say like, oh, two weeks to this,

00:36:46.280 two weeks to that.

00:36:48.000 I think you just got to make your decision.

00:36:49.740 Yeah.

00:36:49.880 It's like, you know, I would never judge anyone for wearing gloves out in public and

00:36:54.240 doing the mask and like keeping it.

00:36:55.460 I think that's great.

00:36:56.440 I think that's awesome.

00:36:57.680 I just, if you don't want to do that, that, you know, like what's that one guy?

00:37:01.800 God.

00:37:02.340 He gave us like free will.

00:37:03.360 Yeah.

00:37:03.860 And we love that about him.

00:37:05.060 We love that he lets us do whatever, whatever the consequences are.

00:37:08.300 Right.

00:37:08.500 Yeah.

00:37:08.600 That's your, yeah.

00:37:09.280 That, cause yeah, that's the way that I feel a lot of times.

00:37:11.020 I'm still going to be smart and wise.

00:37:12.860 I've always had, I feel like decent instincts.

00:37:14.820 So I'm going to trust my instincts.

00:37:16.400 Yeah.

00:37:16.560 And, and, and like, like my parents are both like 75 and my dad's, my dad's immune compromised.

00:37:22.880 He should not be going out and if you're going to go hang out with him, you shouldn't

00:37:27.200 be.

00:37:28.100 Exactly.

00:37:28.500 Right.

00:37:28.840 I should go get tested.

00:37:29.840 Exactly.

00:37:30.300 Like, like if grandma's living with you at your house, then, then you have a different

00:37:35.340 responsibility.

00:37:36.700 So we're not saying like everyone just go out, but if you're young, healthy, 30, 30 year

00:37:41.580 old, 20 year old, and you're like, I want to go just have a little bit of fun.

00:37:44.900 And there's a very, there was very few times someone was in like my bubble.

00:37:49.200 Right.

00:37:49.480 To be honest.

00:37:50.060 Like if I look over the entire weekend, there was very few times that anyone is, was even

00:37:54.600 that close to me.

00:37:55.720 Yeah.

00:37:55.980 There really is.

00:37:56.780 Actually, whenever you go to a comedy club, there's not, there really aren't a lot of

00:37:59.440 times, except for when you're in the green room with other comics, there's not a lot

00:38:02.740 of times.

00:38:03.080 And if you don't do meet and greet, then there's not a lot of times where you interact like

00:38:06.920 real too close with other people.

00:38:08.820 Really.

00:38:09.080 You come out on stage.

00:38:10.400 Yeah.

00:38:10.600 I mean, you're almost really the safest person in the room in a lot of ways.

00:38:14.020 That is the comedian.

00:38:14.800 That was my, that was my thought.

00:38:16.020 And I even, I even, uh, when I was doing my show, I even tried to be at the back of

00:38:21.440 the stage because I thought, Oh, if I talk and like I spit out and like, cause I've done

00:38:25.860 that before where I've been on stage and I've said something and I, and I watched the spittle

00:38:30.480 like fly out of my face and it's like, Oh, that's going right.

00:38:34.040 I had one guy walk on the Friday early show because, um, we had all the microphones out

00:38:40.580 there, uh, all, all three of them, I guess, because I told him to strike one of them and

00:38:44.680 then I use the thing.

00:38:45.720 And so the other two microphones are just behind me with the things in and I'm saying like,

00:38:49.420 right guys, are we really that scared?

00:38:51.580 Even the people that are the most scared who claim that they're the most scared of this.

00:38:55.380 They're, they're all, they're all at home going, Oh, did you watch tiger King? 0.99

00:38:58.160 And singing, sending each other like big black eyed dick memes. 0.96

00:39:01.320 Like nobody's really that afraid if this is the end of the world, like no one seems to 0.97

00:39:05.280 really be that scared.

00:39:06.420 And so the people are like, you know, cheering.

00:39:08.700 And so I go, right, we're not afraid.

00:39:10.260 And I just started palming the other mics like, uh, Oh, like the other comics, like 0.89

00:39:15.120 mics, like with my bare hand.

00:39:16.540 Well, that's also because you're in Utah and that basketball player, Rudy, no, not Rudy

00:39:21.680 Gobert.

00:39:22.300 Rudy Gobert did it.

00:39:23.420 And so I was, I thought it would be funny like to do like a thing like that.

00:39:26.480 Also they sanitize those mics in between and I'm the last guy so that we're going to

00:39:29.540 sanitize those anyways.

00:39:31.100 Um, so I thought it was funny.

00:39:32.580 Everyone's like having a laugh. 0.99

00:39:33.440 And this dude was fucking furious. 0.98

00:39:35.280 He like stood up. 0.99

00:39:36.160 He like went to the front.

00:39:36.900 He's like, what is he doing in there?

00:39:38.280 I mean, this is the whole thing is that we were doing this like responsibly and he's

00:39:41.080 doing all that.

00:39:41.580 And I was like, wow.

00:39:42.460 So that guy's kind of in the middle then.

00:39:43.860 That guy's like, yeah.

00:39:45.460 Well, and he also watched the whole show with his mask on.

00:39:48.140 He had like, like the entire show.

00:39:49.400 Most people took the mask off for the show and then they'd put their mask back on.

00:39:52.100 He had his whole thing.

00:39:52.940 How brave is that guy though?

00:39:54.320 Think about that.

00:39:54.980 Like if you, if in your head, that's where you are fear wise.

00:39:57.640 And then you go to a place and you're like, yeah, I'm going to rough it out.

00:40:03.080 I'll make myself do this.

00:40:04.820 Yeah.

00:40:05.200 It's my wife's birthday.

00:40:07.060 Yeah.

00:40:07.560 And like I said, if you want, if you want to stay home, I'm not going to make fun of

00:40:10.880 anyone for wanting to stay home, like stay home.

00:40:12.840 It's fine.

00:40:13.160 But then if someone wants to go out and be responsible and you know, it's like, yeah,

00:40:17.600 if you're, if you're walking up to people and strangers and spitting on them or licking 1.00

00:40:23.200 their faces, okay, you're kind of a dick. 0.99

00:40:25.040 But if, but if everyone's kind of like playing their part and doing their thing, okay, we 0.99

00:40:29.760 can start, we start coming back to what we, to what we had before.

00:40:33.260 Well, some people are making it sound like just by leaving your home at any time to do

00:40:37.520 anything, you're a part of the problem. 0.98

00:40:40.080 Like you must be some Republican crazy person who thinks this virus isn't real. 0.98

00:40:43.760 It's like, no, there's ways to go about your life and try to earn some money and try to 0.97

00:40:47.820 like have your job or try to maintain groceries.

00:40:50.440 There's ways that you can go do your life.

00:40:52.660 Yeah.

00:40:53.000 Oh no.

00:40:53.220 So I had safely and responsible, not as good, not as what it was, but yeah.

00:40:57.980 It's like, are people being responsible?

00:40:59.760 Yeah.

00:41:00.080 Yeah.

00:41:00.400 I had someone yell at me in my neighborhood for taking my dog for a walk because I didn't

00:41:04.220 have my mask on.

00:41:04.900 It's like, no one, no one walks toward, no one walks towards us.

00:41:09.100 No one does anything.

00:41:09.780 I'm taking my dog for a walk like that.

00:41:12.080 And I got an, I have an 80 pound pit bull.

00:41:15.700 I need to be able to breathe and have some oxygen to hold this back.

00:41:18.380 Like this dude is huge.

00:41:20.040 I'd pay to watch you watch it.

00:41:21.160 Dude, one time.

00:41:22.060 I should sell tickets to just me walking my dog and just go, it's a midget walking a pit 1.00

00:41:25.440 bull.

00:41:25.700 Yeah.

00:41:26.020 It's just so cool.

00:41:28.080 On an OnlyFans, I'd watch that.

00:41:29.680 I'd watch that.

00:41:30.820 I would.

00:41:31.220 I literally, I want an image of that.

00:41:32.680 Like just of like Brad just mind his business and he's got like a pit bull.

00:41:34.920 Oh, I got, I probably got some photos on my Instagram about it.

00:41:37.500 Dude, you could have an insane OnlyFans I feel like if you really wanted to.

00:41:40.480 Dude, if I wanted to like.

00:41:42.320 Like if you want to really push that.

00:41:43.880 Oh, so this is something that my wife and I did do because we have a four month old child

00:41:51.300 and my wife sold her breast milk to some.

00:41:54.960 Oh my God.

00:41:55.480 To some.

00:41:55.940 Hell yeah.

00:41:56.560 To some bodybuilders.

00:41:57.940 Is that legal?

00:41:58.980 Maybe.

00:42:00.180 Yeah.

00:42:00.460 There, that's my dog.

00:42:01.420 In California it is.

00:42:02.800 No, you can, but like, did she make good money or was like the same as like a gallon of 0.94

00:42:07.100 homogenized milk?

00:42:07.940 How much money?

00:42:08.560 No, no.

00:42:08.880 I don't think you ask what, how much money I think at this point you just accept that

00:42:12.160 they needed the money and that they did it.

00:42:14.600 You charge, you charge a little more.

00:42:16.380 If someone says, Hey man, I'm a big fan of Theo Vaughn.

00:42:19.560 How much for your used underwear?

00:42:20.940 You're like, get out of here. 0.98

00:42:21.660 Gross. 0.92

00:42:22.220 Yeah. 0.99

00:42:22.460 Gross, man. 0.51

00:42:23.040 And then they're like, how about 500 grand? 0.69

00:42:24.240 You're like, yeah, I get you a couple of pairs.

00:42:26.520 And that's how I'm thinking about like breast milk.

00:42:28.400 It's like, here I am being all judgy.

00:42:30.140 Yeah.

00:42:30.420 But then when I hear the amount, I'm going to go, all right.

00:42:32.400 It was, it was more than a gallon of milk.

00:42:35.740 Let's just say that.

00:42:36.260 And so people, what they, they, price wise, what you weren't sending more than a gallon

00:42:39.840 of her breast milk.

00:42:40.700 No, that would take a while.

00:42:41.740 No, the price.

00:42:42.440 Yeah.

00:42:42.560 The price was.

00:42:43.240 Jesus, your wife. 1.00

00:42:44.080 Yeah.

00:42:44.480 Yeah.

00:42:45.080 She's so dehydrated. 0.99

00:42:46.660 Now, how do you, uh, when they get that, what do you put it in?

00:42:50.060 Like a little bag or something?

00:42:51.180 Yeah.

00:42:51.480 There's a, uh, there's a bag that there, cause my wife would also, uh, donate breast milk 1.00

00:42:56.660 to, to, to some hospitals to where like, like Mad Max.

00:42:59.860 Yeah.

00:43:00.360 Sure.

00:43:01.960 Like Mad Max.

00:43:03.020 Remember those women they had to like get all their breast milk? 1.00

00:43:04.940 They were like the lactation people.

00:43:06.480 Pulling that milk out the lady right there. 1.00

00:43:08.320 Yeah.

00:43:08.600 I've never had it.

00:43:09.220 Actually, I had a little, I think a girl put some of my mouth once. 1.00

00:43:12.260 Just off her finger.

00:43:13.780 But this was at a restaurant, dude.

00:43:15.180 This is like, after the restaurant, it closed and a family was still in there.

00:43:18.880 This is after the restaurant, it closed and a family was still in there.

00:43:21.080 Okay.

00:43:21.880 What did you like, did you like get it from the source?

00:43:24.740 Did you like squirt across the room or how did it happen?

00:43:26.920 No.

00:43:27.440 From the source, man.

00:43:28.500 I want to know where the old one grew up.

00:43:32.360 This is in Tucson, dude.

00:43:33.660 A lady was in there. 1.00

00:43:34.860 A mechanic where they'll put a little person in the engine to work on it.

00:43:38.560 Miss Bobby's got no mirrors. 1.00

00:43:40.560 It's just cutting hair.

00:43:41.800 You got a lady at a restaurant, a family dining establishment gave you breast milk from the source. 0.99

00:43:47.200 She just put a little on her finger, but what are these men doing with that, Brad, when they get it?

00:43:51.180 They were bodybuilders, and so breast milk allegedly has like a higher protein. 0.51

00:43:58.460 Oh, wow.

00:43:59.020 So like some bodybuilders really like to have breast milk. 1.00

00:44:03.200 So I've got some friends that are in that community, and once they found out, they're like, dude, can we get something?

00:44:09.200 No way.

00:44:09.660 And I'm like, sure, but pay for it.

00:44:12.400 Yeah, I'm not just going to give you my baby's milk.

00:44:15.180 You think I'm squeezing my wife out over here for nothing? 1.00

00:44:17.860 Yeah, exactly.

00:44:19.120 Look at this.

00:44:19.640 Here it says right here, mothers are making thousands of dollars selling their pumped breast milk online to bodybuilders.

00:44:25.700 Some bodybuilders claim breast milk helps build muscle mass more than any other food.

00:44:30.520 I could see that.

00:44:31.420 You know what's interesting about making money that you feel weird about?

00:44:34.260 Oh, breast milk is actually much lower in protein than cow's milk, and bodybuilders, specifically large men, need much more protein.

00:44:42.660 Oh, so they're wrong?

00:44:43.840 See if you can find us a chart, actually, that shows like the protein in breast milk compared to other milk.

00:44:51.860 Yeah, but it was a nice little side hustle.

00:44:54.960 Oh, definitely.

00:44:55.900 So I got a golden doodle, right?

00:44:57.460 I just got him.

00:44:58.200 He's like six months old now.

00:45:00.720 Yeah, great dog.

00:45:01.760 And every time there's been times people go, you going to get him neutered?

00:45:04.720 And I say, yeah, not yet.

00:45:06.600 He's only six months.

00:45:07.420 Nuts haven't even dropped.

00:45:08.840 And then one lady, she goes, oh, you're not going to neuter him, are you? 0.99

00:45:12.280 And I was like, oh, one of these people, right?

00:45:14.020 And so I was like, well, I mean, I don't know.

00:45:15.820 Probably.

00:45:16.200 I haven't thought about it.

00:45:16.820 She's like, well, you know, it's good money. 0.81

00:45:18.820 And I was like, what? 0.95

00:45:19.740 And she goes, oh, well, like what you can do is you can, there's like a stud fee where basically like if you want your dog to have sex, 0.99

00:45:27.180 someone will take your dog for a few hours, bring him back, your dog just gets to have sex, 1.00

00:45:31.600 and then they come back and hand you a check for a pretty good amount. 0.98

00:45:34.280 Wow.

00:45:34.520 Oh, yeah.

00:45:35.320 Okay.

00:45:35.920 Yeah, that happens, yeah.

00:45:36.880 That's great. 0.99

00:45:37.660 My dog needs sex anyways. 1.00

00:45:39.260 I'm not going to watch, but like if they want to take him off my hands for a little while, he can go do that. 0.98

00:45:42.880 They say, give me a thousand bucks, and then my dog comes back all happy and tired.

00:45:46.060 I think that's a pretty good deal.

00:45:47.360 And you got a fat G, yeah.

00:45:48.600 It's not like a golden doodle girl is going to show up on our doorstep like, yeah, my father lives here.

00:45:53.500 Like, yeah, we need some child support.

00:45:55.420 It seems like a totally –

00:45:57.340 Just scratching at the bottom of the door.

00:46:00.500 Totally harmless thing.

00:46:02.560 Now, here it says right here in one cup of breast milk.

00:46:06.020 Yeah.

00:46:07.740 You have –

00:46:09.320 2.5 grams.

00:46:10.460 2.5 grams of protein.

00:46:11.420 That's not much protein.

00:46:12.480 That's not – yeah, because cow's milk has 12 grams.

00:46:15.900 How does that compare, Nick?

00:46:17.060 Is that in the same cup?

00:46:17.580 Do you see the other there?

00:46:18.900 Eight grams in cow's milk whole, eight grams in 1%, eight grams in skim.

00:46:23.960 Yeah, so it's less.

00:46:24.780 So it has the same amount as, like, almond milk virtually.

00:46:27.160 All right.

00:46:27.580 Well, there you go.

00:46:28.500 Which is not even milk.

00:46:29.340 It's just nut water.

00:46:30.400 Yeah.

00:46:30.980 There you go, bodybuilders.

00:46:32.640 Yeah, dude.

00:46:33.280 Almond milk is just nut water, huh?

00:46:35.120 You didn't always get milked.

00:46:36.160 Why are they calling it milk?

00:46:37.020 They should call it nut water.

00:46:37.980 They really should because they soak the almonds in water.

00:46:40.600 Nut juice or nut milk.

00:46:41.940 Yeah.

00:46:42.100 Or, I mean, nut water.

00:46:42.880 I mean, they should have, like, a rogue almond milk company, and that's what they would do

00:46:48.020 to, like, separate themselves.

00:46:49.580 This is bad milk out there.

00:46:51.020 You guys are calling yourselves almond milk.

00:46:53.000 Nut water.

00:46:53.160 And do you drop that off in person?

00:46:55.120 Do you leave that at the door?

00:46:56.160 How do they get that?

00:46:56.880 Oh, for the –

00:46:57.780 Breast milk.

00:46:58.520 Bodybuilders?

00:46:59.000 Yeah, we dropped it off in person.

00:47:00.860 Wow.

00:47:01.280 Venmo.

00:47:01.560 Wow.

00:47:02.920 I love that, dude.

00:47:04.040 I like anything you can make.

00:47:04.460 You got your wife in the back of the car. 0.98

00:47:05.560 She's making it.

00:47:06.460 Yeah.

00:47:06.880 She's in there pumping it out. 1.00

00:47:08.060 Someone could buy my urine.

00:47:08.700 I'd be like, sure, I'll get you as much as you want.

00:47:10.720 You're just keeping her hydrated. 0.89

00:47:11.740 You keep buying her Gatorades every other 7-Eleven, you see?

00:47:14.500 Yeah, it's like hair, man.

00:47:15.160 Hair's free, man.

00:47:16.000 Yeah, it was crazy because, yeah, there's never a good time to go through a pandemic,

00:47:21.120 but, like, we got the baby at home, so it's like – and thankfully, my wife – you

00:47:25.600 know, the baby breastfeeds, so it's like, that's a renewable food source.

00:47:28.460 Yeah.

00:47:28.540 So it's like, I didn't have to go out and buy baby food or anything like that.

00:47:31.480 We just had food for the baby.

00:47:32.780 It was great.

00:47:33.280 Yeah, that's awesome.

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00:49:17.340 So, what else was there from the show?

00:49:20.320 As I'm trying to think, after the show, did the energy feel the same in the room during

00:49:25.460 the show?

00:49:25.880 Yeah.

00:49:26.440 More.

00:49:27.320 I thought more.

00:49:28.500 Really?

00:49:28.620 Just because everyone was just so excited to be out.

00:49:32.000 And there were lines that I would say that I would thought, like, all right, this is kind

00:49:35.460 of a throwaway line and just something casual. 0.99

00:49:37.260 And then it would get a reaction where I'm like, oh, shit. 1.00

00:49:39.300 Yeah. 1.00

00:49:39.320 It felt like a full room for sure.

00:49:41.280 Really?

00:49:42.180 Yeah.

00:49:43.680 That's awesome.

00:49:44.280 I wrote a real basic joke about how, like, every, when the virus happened, every company

00:49:50.340 had to put out their coronavirus commercial.

00:49:53.360 Oh, yeah.

00:49:53.760 Where they're just like, you know, every commercial right now starts off like.

00:49:58.060 We're going to get through this.

00:49:59.040 Yeah.

00:49:59.220 We get that in trying times.

00:50:02.000 And all I said was like, does every, we don't need every company's response to coronavirus.

00:50:06.480 And there was a cheer in the room.

00:50:08.360 And I'm like, oh.

00:50:09.480 That's true, though.

00:50:10.260 Okay.

00:50:10.960 People feel that way.

00:50:11.860 Yeah.

00:50:12.060 It's like, I get it.

00:50:13.720 AT&T insurance.

00:50:15.560 Let me know what you're doing to lower my rates or whatever. 0.99

00:50:18.360 But there's literally a commercial from Oreo fucking cookie. 0.99

00:50:22.500 Yeah. 0.99

00:50:22.600 I was getting emails from, like, Wells Fargo, like, don't worry.

00:50:25.440 Yeah.

00:50:25.840 I'm not worried about you.

00:50:27.000 You're a bank.

00:50:27.800 You'll be fine.

00:50:28.520 You'll be behind glass.

00:50:29.980 We're fine.

00:50:30.840 Yeah.

00:50:31.420 Don't worry.

00:50:31.760 Our ATMs are clean.

00:50:33.080 And it's like.

00:50:33.380 It's so weird.

00:50:34.860 Yeah.

00:50:35.160 So, like, stuff like that.

00:50:36.600 EarthBars sending me figures.

00:50:37.400 Yeah.

00:50:37.820 Yeah.

00:50:38.160 Yeah.

00:50:38.340 It's like Coca-Cola is like, here's what we're doing.

00:50:42.200 It's like, no, you're making sugar water.

00:50:44.340 That's what you're doing.

00:50:45.100 I don't know.

00:50:45.240 It's fine.

00:50:45.800 No, I will say the thing I was most, most nervous about.

00:50:48.320 And again, this is selfish.

00:50:49.300 I just thought I might be rusty.

00:50:50.820 Because this is the longest I've ever gone without doing stand-up for 15 years.

00:50:53.840 So, I was like.

00:50:54.400 Three months or whatever it was.

00:50:55.020 I was afraid I'd be rusty.

00:50:56.180 But then being so generous.

00:50:57.740 And then also, I realized I wasn't that rusty.

00:50:59.900 Like, I felt rusty on that virtual show.

00:51:01.820 Did it feel weird?

00:51:02.620 Yeah.

00:51:02.760 Did it feel weird going back into, like.

00:51:06.160 Because, like, if I were to get back on stage, I'm like, I have some new stuff I would

00:51:09.780 kind of do.

00:51:10.280 But otherwise, it's like.

00:51:11.400 You got to change all the bits.

00:51:12.820 Really?

00:51:13.000 It's like, just in the verbiage.

00:51:16.460 So, I, you know, I usually get up there and go, I just got back from Mexico so I can go

00:51:19.300 to all my Mexico stuff.

00:51:20.500 Right.

00:51:20.880 I can't say it.

00:51:21.600 I can't.

00:51:22.500 Or, like, if I want to make a joke about something that happened between me and a girl, I'll usually 0.71

00:51:27.100 lie and be like, I took this girl on a date, like, you know, the other day.

00:51:30.100 Or, like, last week.

00:51:31.000 Yeah.

00:51:31.180 But now.

00:51:31.760 Can't say that.

00:51:32.360 Yeah.

00:51:32.620 So, I had to be like, oh, I remember.

00:51:34.620 God, I think it was last year I took this girl out on a date.

00:51:36.760 Yeah.

00:51:37.000 But even that little adjustment was hard to do.

00:51:39.740 Like, and it feels so dishonest.

00:51:41.140 And, like, so.

00:51:41.580 But, like, they know I haven't been doing anything.

00:51:43.260 Right.

00:51:43.700 Yeah.

00:51:44.540 There's a bit I do about how, like, I'm.

00:51:47.740 It's something that my neighbor said to me because I'm never home.

00:51:51.620 I'm always traveling.

00:51:52.740 Oh, yeah.

00:51:52.920 So, then my neighbor saw me in front of my house and then said something to me like I

00:51:56.740 didn't live in my house.

00:51:57.860 Right.

00:51:58.120 It's like, I can't do that bit right now.

00:51:59.400 That bit won't work, yeah.

00:52:00.180 No.

00:52:00.500 It's because it's like, no, no.

00:52:01.480 I've been home for three months.

00:52:02.980 They know me now.

00:52:04.300 I would start jokes.

00:52:05.580 Like, I would start joking and go, I got to change that.

00:52:08.620 Start.

00:52:09.100 Like, you know that quick math you do in your head?

00:52:10.840 Right.

00:52:11.200 That's not going to work.

00:52:12.320 Yeah.

00:52:12.600 Only a comic would notice or only, like, I, you know, quickly shifted.

00:52:15.960 I would liken it to where if you've ever done those shows at the Laugh Factory on, like,

00:52:21.780 Christmas and Thanksgiving where they feed the homeless and then they have the comics go

00:52:26.880 on stage and perform for the homeless, there's some bits you don't want to do for homeless

00:52:31.540 people.

00:52:32.100 Like, you know when your car breaks? 1.00

00:52:33.880 Oh, fuck. 1.00

00:52:34.440 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:52:34.640 Okay.

00:52:34.940 Like, you know when you're...

00:52:37.540 Yeah, this dinner's pretty good.

00:52:38.500 Where's all the hooch? 0.96

00:52:40.440 They're like, what?

00:52:41.440 Like, I remember watching Joe Coy in one of these shows, and this is years ago, and he

00:52:46.680 was doing his bit about, like, orange chicken and Panda Express.

00:52:50.900 He's like, you guys know what...

00:52:52.600 He stopped.

00:52:54.120 It's like, you guys know what Panda Express...

00:52:55.840 That's pretty...

00:52:56.980 They're like, of course. 1.00

00:52:57.860 We take a shit in there every day. 1.00

00:53:00.200 They know all the businesses. 1.00

00:53:01.300 But, like, no one knew about it in that room, and you're like, oh, fuck. 1.00

00:53:04.480 Yeah. 0.99

00:53:04.620 But, like, you felt bad.

00:53:06.260 You felt condescending.

00:53:07.300 You felt like, I...

00:53:08.460 But that's what a professional does is you have to adjust.

00:53:11.040 And then Paul Mooney just went on stage and destroyed the room.

00:53:13.900 Oh, really? 0.57

00:53:14.780 He killed her.

00:53:15.320 Wasn't he homeless now?

00:53:16.400 Isn't that how that works?

00:53:17.160 I have no idea.

00:53:19.040 I hope not.

00:53:20.360 He had a special out a couple years ago.

00:53:21.860 Oh, he did?

00:53:22.360 Yeah.

00:53:22.480 I mean, he could also be homeless now. 1.00

00:53:24.300 Well, he's just a psycho. 1.00

00:53:25.760 Yeah. 0.99

00:53:26.020 So, I thought he's like, you know, a lot of homeless people are psychos. 0.62

00:53:28.660 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:53:29.520 Speak the language.

00:53:30.860 But, yeah, so it's that thing where...

00:53:32.560 He's, like, able to talk to them, man.

00:53:34.200 Dude, the homeless people in my...

00:53:35.640 So, I was jogging the other day, and there's a homeless...

00:53:38.380 Like, I live right by a park over in Westwood, and so there's a lot of homeless now living

00:53:42.420 in the park, but they got campers, the city got campers, and put them up since the virus.

00:53:47.940 Wow.

00:53:48.240 Got the campers and put them in different campers.

00:53:51.040 So, a lot of times at night...

00:53:52.540 Upgrade.

00:53:52.800 Yeah, it's really pretty nice.

00:53:54.340 They're nice campers.

00:53:55.420 I'll jog by at night, and the other night I'm jogging by, and there's a guy out there

00:53:59.340 smoking out on the...

00:54:00.980 He's, like, sitting, like, on the step of the open door of his camper, and he's got music

00:54:04.680 going, and it's, like, James Brown or something.

00:54:08.300 Something pretty fun, pretty loud.

00:54:09.500 And then behind him, there's a truck, a sewage truck backing up.

00:54:12.740 There's a guy with a hose in a full hazmat suit, and PPP, like, the shield and everything,

00:54:19.180 walking up to it with a...

00:54:21.200 To drain the sewage out of the camper.

00:54:24.520 And I'm just, like, this is so bizarre.

00:54:26.840 I'm, like, here you have a homeless guy who's, you know, just doing whatever he wants, and

00:54:34.180 then you have, like, how much is this costing to have this sewage guy?

00:54:37.400 Yeah, yes.

00:54:37.760 I mean, and literally walking up like he was in Armageddon or something.

00:54:41.740 Yeah.

00:54:41.960 Like, so scared.

00:54:43.080 Full bodysuit walking up. 1.00

00:54:44.600 You're in a pandemic, and this dude's job is to deal with the piss and shit of homeless 1.00

00:54:48.000 people. 1.00

00:54:48.500 That's true.

00:54:49.000 That's true.

00:54:49.460 I'd be sleeping in a hazmat house.

00:54:51.860 I'd need a cup of breath.

00:54:53.160 That job, he's not telling jokes.

00:54:55.020 He's not telling jokes to some middle class people in Utah.

00:54:57.860 Yeah.

00:54:58.180 I mean, this dude is...

00:54:59.660 That's the job.

00:55:00.700 Did it feel like it was just, the audiences that came out, did it feel like it was just

00:55:05.180 rich people or anything like that?

00:55:06.440 No.

00:55:06.580 Did it have that vibe, or just felt like just regular people?

00:55:08.580 It's...

00:55:09.060 Quite the opposite.

00:55:10.040 No, I'm just kidding.

00:55:10.840 No.

00:55:11.560 All walks of life, because there was definitely people that...

00:55:16.980 Do you ever have someone come to your show and tell you all the struggles that they're

00:55:21.200 going through, and you're like, bro, maybe you shouldn't be spending money on a comedy

00:55:24.560 show right now?

00:55:25.340 Like, because there were some people that I got some messages afterward, it's like, oh,

00:55:29.300 yeah, the whole family, like, lost our jobs, and blah, blah, blah, blah, and we haven't

00:55:33.240 had anything, and...

00:55:34.740 We're all drinking each other's breast milk.

00:55:36.360 Yeah, and our lights went out, but, man...

00:55:38.440 The fact that your show...

00:55:39.360 But we bought tickets to your show, and I'm like, dude, maybe...

00:55:41.560 And for $50 a ticket, it was worth every penny.

00:55:44.560 Yeah.

00:55:44.800 No, no, no, no, no.

00:55:45.540 It's like, whoa, that was a $15 ticket.

00:55:47.860 Well, I don't know.

00:55:48.620 You'd pay a scalper?

00:55:50.220 But, like, there are some people where you're like, whoa, don't, like, save your money.

00:55:54.960 Like, save your money for...

00:55:56.020 But then there was some other guy that, because I wasn't doing the meet and greet, I wasn't

00:56:00.860 selling merch, and I got this message from a guy that was like, hey, you didn't sell merch

00:56:04.680 this week?

00:56:05.020 I go, no.

00:56:05.440 And he goes, so you probably lost out on some money?

00:56:07.200 I go, yeah.

00:56:07.840 He goes, what's your Venmo?

00:56:09.480 And he Venmoed me a little bit of money, and I'm like, oh, okay.

00:56:12.800 Wow.

00:56:13.280 And so, thank you, that guy.

00:56:14.940 Yeah.

00:56:15.320 Wow.

00:56:15.620 So, were you guys allowed...

00:56:17.300 Were you allowed to sell merch there?

00:56:18.560 I could.

00:56:19.200 My Feature Act sold merch.

00:56:20.700 Okay.

00:56:20.860 So, I could if I wanted to, which, now that I think about it, the fact that my Feature Act sold merch,

00:56:24.880 and then we were in the green room together, probably defeated that whole purpose of me

00:56:28.140 not selling merch, but...

00:56:29.880 Yeah, skipping the meet and greet didn't help anybody.

00:56:32.060 Yeah, yeah, yeah, no.

00:56:33.060 But...

00:56:33.220 Yeah.

00:56:33.620 I sold merch.

00:56:34.320 Yeah.

00:56:34.960 Because nobody wanted it.

00:56:36.260 Yeah.

00:56:37.700 I sold my old album that, like, most of the...

00:56:40.500 It's, like, been out for years.

00:56:41.800 Yeah.

00:56:42.140 And also, it's CD.

00:56:43.520 Oh, yeah, dude.

00:56:44.720 I used to sell CDs, dude.

00:56:46.020 Well, the craziest part was, I used to bring the CD duplicator on the road.

00:56:51.440 I had one of those three discers.

00:56:53.340 Oh, the three-discers.

00:56:54.660 Boop, boop, boop, boop. 1.00

00:56:55.080 During the day, you're working.

00:56:56.140 And it would say, read on it.

00:56:57.360 It would say, read on it, whenever it, like, started to get the disc.

00:57:00.440 Oh, yeah.

00:57:00.640 And then you would, you would hear it heating up.

00:57:02.300 I had, like, one that was pretty cheap.

00:57:03.760 Yeah.

00:57:03.960 So, it would heat really hot, like, in the corner.

00:57:05.760 That fan would start going.

00:57:07.240 Yeah.

00:57:07.900 Who knows if some of those even work?

00:57:09.380 Oh, dude.

00:57:11.280 That's a roll of the dice.

00:57:12.600 Then I would take them...

00:57:13.140 I got one of your CDs was blank.

00:57:14.520 Like, that happens, man.

00:57:15.460 Yeah.

00:57:15.840 They're doing three at a time.

00:57:16.880 Yeah.

00:57:17.040 I pull them out early sometimes.

00:57:18.160 Yeah, right.

00:57:18.440 I got half a bit.

00:57:19.820 I'll be like, bro, it ain't that good anyway.

00:57:21.760 Don't worry.

00:57:22.000 I'm new.

00:57:23.620 Bro, you're lucky.

00:57:24.720 You're lucky.

00:57:25.340 You're lucky.

00:57:25.900 My first CD is Humiliate.

00:57:26.700 When people tell me they got that, I'm like, just take this new one for free.

00:57:28.800 Yeah.

00:57:29.100 It's fine.

00:57:29.680 Yeah.

00:57:29.740 I have your first album.

00:57:30.760 No, you don't.

00:57:31.100 Updated.

00:57:31.300 Dude, I forgot about that.

00:57:32.580 And I would go buy the clear cases and put it in. 0.80

00:57:35.180 And then get the Xerox and cut the freaking thing and put it in. 0.74

00:57:38.260 Sure. 0.95

00:57:38.740 And sell them.

00:57:39.720 Yeah.

00:57:40.020 Now, it's like, you just have a...

00:57:41.620 Now, they already have your album or they can stream it for free.

00:57:44.260 Like, it's hard.

00:57:44.700 Like...

00:57:45.100 That's what sucks is because merch is a big way for comics to make money.

00:57:48.340 Oh, yeah.

00:57:48.780 You make an extra two or three hundred bucks, it's huge.

00:57:51.440 It's tough to, like, not have something to sell to them.

00:57:54.300 Yeah.

00:57:54.880 Yeah.

00:57:55.600 And so, yeah, you had to leave a lot of money on the table if you didn't sell merch.

00:57:59.620 But, you know, it's just...

00:58:01.120 I'll get to that point.

00:58:02.500 And if you want to buy some Brad Williams merch and just go to bradwilliamscomedy.com.

00:58:06.040 Yeah.

00:58:06.400 There you go.

00:58:07.220 There's the commercial.

00:58:08.260 I'll send it to you.

00:58:09.600 The good thing is you probably know, like, okay, I'm just going to bring 30 or 40 shirts.

00:58:13.040 You know, it's like I'm only going to bring this many things because it's...

00:58:15.960 So, where you were at Salt Lake City, it was 100 people?

00:58:21.880 Yeah.

00:58:22.060 I think it was 100 people per show.

00:58:23.360 Yeah.

00:58:23.760 Me, it was, like, between 100 and 125 per show.

00:58:27.760 But, yeah. 0.99

00:58:28.360 I'll tell you what saved my life during the damn pandemic was being on Cameo. 1.00

00:58:33.880 That saved my ass. 0.99

00:58:36.120 Because St. Patrick's Day happened, and I said on my social media that... 0.99

00:58:42.240 Oh, nice.

00:58:42.820 I forgot about that.

00:58:43.380 That I will send...

00:58:44.620 I will dress up as a leprechaun and send a message to...

00:58:48.080 Personalized.

00:58:48.780 Yeah.

00:58:49.140 Personalized message.

00:58:49.740 Praise God, bro.

00:58:50.680 I made so much money.

00:58:52.260 I bet.

00:58:52.660 At the end of the day.

00:58:53.260 That's a big day.

00:58:54.400 It was great.

00:58:56.680 I didn't even think about it.

00:58:57.380 Those are the best ones.

00:58:58.540 Thank God for Cameo. 0.78

00:58:59.360 Some sort of, like, shtick, you know?

00:59:01.360 Like, Scott Steiner, that old wrestler.

00:59:02.780 He's like...

00:59:03.240 Oh, his are hilarious. 0.95

00:59:04.060 You send me it, and I'll punk your wife. 1.00

00:59:06.180 I'll do whatever you want. 0.99

00:59:07.380 I'll, like, run a...

00:59:09.100 What is that called?

00:59:09.860 Train?

00:59:10.500 No.

00:59:12.720 That's what Nick was thinking, wasn't it, Nick?

00:59:14.560 Scott Steiner.

00:59:15.560 Yeah.

00:59:15.980 I'm messed up.

00:59:16.600 If you look at the cut of promo...

00:59:17.780 Well, I'm just saying, because he and his brother always do everything together.

00:59:20.060 That's all I'm saying.

00:59:21.040 Him and Rick.

00:59:21.720 His cameos are hilarious. 0.99

00:59:22.760 Yeah, and so he just talks shit to these people, and it's so good. 0.98

00:59:26.400 Yeah. 0.99

00:59:26.660 And why is he dressed like a Nicky Minaj?

00:59:30.240 That was his WCW kind of, like, gimmick when he would come out wearing that kind of stuff.

00:59:33.900 Holla if you hear me.

00:59:35.000 Yeah.

00:59:35.320 I miss the old...

00:59:35.940 Remember the old one when he had the things on his...

00:59:38.120 The wrestling thing?

00:59:38.760 That's Rick, his brother.

00:59:39.900 Yeah.

00:59:40.440 Yeah.

00:59:40.980 From the University of Michigan.

00:59:41.980 He always kind of looked like just a strong, weird collegiate wrestler with, like, big hair.

00:59:46.240 And then Rick would come out like a dog, and he'd, like, pee on the turnbuckle. 0.99

00:59:49.080 Yeah, Rick was crazy, man. 0.99

00:59:50.320 There they go. 0.99

00:59:50.800 There they are.

00:59:51.420 But then...

00:59:52.120 Steiner brothers.

00:59:52.640 Then that's...

00:59:53.280 See, go to the next one.

00:59:54.180 The steroids, Scott.

00:59:55.080 That's, like, the...

00:59:55.820 Look at that.

00:59:56.320 Yeah.

00:59:56.720 And he's, like, 50.

00:59:58.840 Look at those biceps.

00:59:59.780 You can't build a bicep like that.

01:00:01.760 That guy will buy your breast milk right there, man.

01:00:03.800 That is frightening.

01:00:04.700 That is frightening.

01:00:05.300 Hey, Scott, if you're listening...

01:00:06.900 That guy makes breast milk. 0.91

01:00:07.800 I got breast milk.

01:00:10.520 I'll make that happen.

01:00:11.300 That guy's serving his own stock.

01:00:13.360 He's got...

01:00:13.960 It's so awful.

01:00:14.880 He's like, oh, I don't...

01:00:15.940 What is it, like, where you...

01:00:17.800 Where drug dealers, like, steal drugs, but then they use them sometimes?

01:00:21.540 Get hot in their own supply, man.

01:00:23.560 Yeah, he seems like he gets hot in his own supply.

01:00:25.300 Dude, hey, have you been doing some of this?

01:00:26.960 No.

01:00:27.380 And he's, like, just all jacked. 1.00

01:00:28.800 I love how every sports league shut down and pro wrestling was like, fuck y'all. 1.00

01:00:33.420 Yeah, Vince McMahon owns it. 0.99

01:00:35.320 We are gonna keep going.

01:00:36.800 The dude killed a wrestler on accident and then sued his wife for breach of contract.

01:00:43.000 That's how evil...

01:00:44.640 Vince McMahon does not care at all. 1.00

01:00:46.440 Give a shit. 0.99

01:00:47.100 The only reason he didn't do WrestleMania in Tampa as scheduled is because the city of 1.00

01:00:51.340 Tampa had to be like, hey, man, you can't.

01:00:52.920 Right, he's like...

01:00:53.400 They had to interfere.

01:00:54.440 You can't do it, yeah.

01:00:55.240 We're gonna do it. 0.99

01:00:55.780 He's like, do you know how much money this makes me, damn it? 0.98

01:00:57.300 We're gonna do it for our fans. 0.97

01:00:58.760 Dude, a lot of places are...

01:01:00.480 There's, like, a lot of pushback now, it seems like, because cities are saying you

01:01:03.480 can do certain things.

01:01:04.480 Yeah.

01:01:04.980 Didn't we have an article, maybe, something about that, Nick?

01:01:06.820 There's cities saying you can do certain things, but then people are now, like, filing lawsuits

01:01:10.000 that they just can't take it anymore.

01:01:12.680 Well, something that doesn't make sense to me is, like, they've said, all right, the

01:01:15.020 lockdown's gonna be three more months, but also we're opening businesses.

01:01:18.040 You're like, what?

01:01:18.900 Yeah, it's really confusing.

01:01:19.840 That's very confusing to me.

01:01:21.160 Yeah, you see some articles.

01:01:22.100 Go to the article, man.

01:01:23.720 Is it?

01:01:24.580 Okay.

01:01:25.340 Stay on orders.

01:01:26.460 Aimed at reducing the spread of coronavirus.

01:01:27.760 We're now facing legal challenges from residents and state officials alike.

01:01:31.300 One of these is pretty wild.

01:01:34.500 You can't really sue the government right now.

01:01:36.340 They're already giving all their money to people who are stuck at home.

01:01:39.420 That's tough.

01:01:40.000 But I get the frustration, like, you want to make money, you're willing to go out and

01:01:46.080 make money, and then the government says, no, stay home and don't make money, and you're

01:01:50.540 like, oh, so you're gonna pay me?

01:01:51.960 Well, no, we're gonna give you, like, $1,200.

01:01:53.340 Well, but it's also just tricky.

01:01:54.380 The government isn't making the virus. 0.99

01:01:56.200 Like, the government's like, dude, we're trying to kind of save your ass. 0.98

01:01:58.500 Like, it's tricky. 0.94

01:01:59.180 It's like the wrong person to blame.

01:02:01.160 Well, like, look at, in Texas, it says the attorney general warned that he could take action

01:02:05.740 against the cities of Austin, San Antonio, and Dallas if they do not scale back

01:02:09.520 orders that are more restrictive.

01:02:11.500 And that's the attorney general.

01:02:12.600 Then the governor is moving towards reopening the state and said that while businesses have

01:02:18.580 the freedom to reopen or remain closed, local governments do not have the option to keep

01:02:22.560 them closed.

01:02:23.340 California faces a dozen lawsuits that claim the state has unjustly closed down gun shops

01:02:28.400 and religious services and infringed on freedoms of speech and assembly.

01:02:31.760 Yeah, what do you think about that about a religious services?

01:02:34.480 Yeah.

01:02:34.940 I think it's kind of like stand-up, man.

01:02:36.100 You gotta go to that responsibly.

01:02:37.680 Yeah.

01:02:37.960 Right.

01:02:38.120 That's what I say.

01:02:38.620 Like, if you want to go to it, then go to it.

01:02:40.040 But it's just like, you gotta understand.

01:02:41.660 That's one of my biggest things.

01:02:42.760 And this might make some of the listeners annoyed.

01:02:45.020 People don't take, like, their own responsibility.

01:02:49.260 So, like, they'll smoke for 40 years and then go, isn't it sad I have cancer?

01:02:53.980 It's like, no, dude.

01:02:55.520 Yeah.

01:02:56.440 Yes, we love you, mom, but, like, you don't get to smoke for 40.

01:02:59.760 And they'll go, oh, well, I need disability because I'm a big fat lardo and I ate McDonald's

01:03:05.660 75 times in one day for the last 30 years.

01:03:09.120 Yeah, no responsibility.

01:03:09.560 And so, it's like, they all want health care, but, like, a lot of the health care, like,

01:03:12.640 you don't even take health precautions.

01:03:16.140 Like, that's the beauty of freedom is that we get to do what we want.

01:03:19.460 You don't get to do what you want and then be a victim.

01:03:21.940 You don't get to go, like, well, I should be able to jog through the park naked and nobody.

01:03:26.180 Yes, but that's not the reality we live in.

01:03:28.360 Right.

01:03:28.680 Yeah.

01:03:28.900 You can't.

01:03:29.360 You jog through the park naked, stuff's gonna happen.

01:03:31.260 Yeah.

01:03:31.640 You eat McDonald's, things happen.

01:03:33.380 If you're a lion tamer for the circus and the lion bites your arm off, you can't sue the circus.

01:03:38.140 That's part of it.

01:03:38.600 And also, I love that you're a lion tamer, but don't cry to me when your arm gets bitten off.

01:03:43.240 Yeah.

01:03:43.520 And if you want to eat McDonald's 75 times, I love that, but don't cry to me about your

01:03:47.500 diabetes.

01:03:48.080 That's how that works.

01:03:49.040 Yeah.

01:03:49.120 I wonder if there's a way, though, because, like, it's always.

01:03:51.280 Same with me.

01:03:51.780 Actually, let's do this.

01:03:52.580 Sorry.

01:03:52.960 No, go on. 1.00

01:03:53.820 If I get coronavirus tomorrow, that's my fault because I'm a stupid idiot who's doing comedy 1.00

01:03:59.280 shows. 1.00

01:03:59.660 Because we win.

01:04:00.120 So, it's the same thing of, like, personal responsibility.

01:04:01.920 Like, that's on me.

01:04:02.960 Yeah.

01:04:03.120 It's like, it'd be way safer if no one played professional football.

01:04:06.860 Right.

01:04:07.040 But these guys, it's their choice to play professional football.

01:04:09.400 Yeah.

01:04:09.860 It's kind of that same argument.

01:04:11.300 When people are always like, man, these football players keep getting hurt, but it's like,

01:04:13.800 but they're playing football.

01:04:15.120 Right.

01:04:15.260 Like, they signed up to play football.

01:04:17.280 Yeah.

01:04:17.440 There was a doctor a week ago, I think, who put a picture.

01:04:20.260 He's on an airplane.

01:04:21.140 He's flying from New York to San Francisco, and it's a full plane.

01:04:24.700 And he's like, I can't believe they said that this plane is full.

01:04:29.000 You know, this is so dangerous.

01:04:31.020 It's like him and 25 doctors.

01:04:33.740 But it's like, but you're on the plane.

01:04:36.560 Right.

01:04:37.520 Like, if you don't want to be.

01:04:38.980 Sure.

01:04:39.580 Like, it's just.

01:04:40.360 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:04:41.040 It's like, we want our creature comforts, but once they start to, like, I don't know.

01:04:47.160 You know what I'm saying?

01:04:48.100 I agree.

01:04:48.440 That's the whole road I was going down.

01:04:50.100 It's like, everyone is so victim-y and soft about that kind of stuff.

01:04:54.320 It's so frustrating.

01:04:55.580 Yeah, here you go.

01:04:56.180 Dr. Ethan Weiss.

01:04:56.880 I guess United is relaxing in social distancing policy these days.

01:04:59.560 Every seat, full on this 737.

01:05:02.080 Yeah.

01:05:02.280 But at that point, you have the opportunity if you want to get off the plane.

01:05:06.880 Yeah.

01:05:07.420 I mean, you have the freedom to make those kind of decisions.

01:05:11.700 I know that when I flew on American Airlines, there was a couple in front of me that had their infant child.

01:05:21.020 And I just kept thinking to myself, why does that baby have to fly right now?

01:05:26.140 Like, but okay.

01:05:26.880 Wow, yeah. 1.00

01:05:27.280 That's your shit. 1.00

01:05:28.800 Well, and I'll even go a step further. 1.00

01:05:30.120 So this might, like, so I would say like, oh, maybe they should have drove, you know?

01:05:34.800 Like, don't be on a crowded plane where we share air with other people.

01:05:37.780 Yeah.

01:05:37.960 Maybe they should have drove.

01:05:38.860 Rent a car, drive to wherever this emergency destination is that you're taking this infant, right?

01:05:42.720 And then people will say, oh, Jeff, what if they can't afford it?

01:05:45.680 Well, they should have get a better job.

01:05:47.000 They should have worked harder.

01:05:48.020 Yeah.

01:05:48.180 Like, even those things.

01:05:49.740 They say, well, some people can't.

01:05:50.700 Well, then work hard.

01:05:51.520 Just take your burden and bear it.

01:05:54.360 If you're broke, get rich.

01:05:55.860 If you're fat, you don't like it, lose weight.

01:05:57.580 If you're fat and you're happy, great, flaunt it.

01:05:59.060 You just do whatever is working for you.

01:06:02.100 I mean, like, do better.

01:06:03.380 Yeah, there has to be some social recourse.

01:06:05.520 There's no response.

01:06:06.740 Like, we keep making it so, like, we always just keep helping the lowest common denominator,

01:06:12.780 which in America you can be.

01:06:14.260 Like, I mean, I remember I've been to India before and, like, they'll have handicapped

01:06:17.020 people, like, dragging themselves on the ground because they don't have a wheelchair.

01:06:21.400 Or, like, if they're lucky to get, like, a skateboard or something or make something

01:06:24.440 like that, you know?

01:06:25.200 You know, where it's, like, in the U.S., it's, like, everything we really get catered

01:06:28.480 to.

01:06:28.860 I know.

01:06:29.020 We're really comfortable.

01:06:30.080 But they keep, like, catering to, like, okay, somebody can, you know, not do anything

01:06:35.060 their whole life, live in a bubble, you know?

01:06:37.160 It's the worst.

01:06:37.820 Yeah. 0.86

01:06:38.200 Finally come out once to gun down both their parents, you know?

01:06:41.000 He was born without thumbs.

01:06:42.140 So, you know, we better send him a check every month.

01:06:44.380 And he's like, well, I can't work.

01:06:45.280 I got no thumbs.

01:06:45.940 Like, dude.

01:06:46.760 And I learned all this, like, my ideology is from traveling the world.

01:06:50.720 And I see things, and I go, oh, man, if they can do it.

01:06:52.840 I was poor.

01:06:53.560 I lived in a car, and I started doing, I found a job where I didn't need a high

01:06:57.320 school diploma, or I didn't need to, like, I found a job that works. 0.99

01:07:00.360 I'm a moron, so I need to find a job where morons can make money. 1.00

01:07:03.880 Dude, the fact that I'm rich is ridiculous. 1.00

01:07:06.200 And it makes me go, just figure it out. 0.98

01:07:08.840 Do what you gotta do. 1.00

01:07:10.340 At least these morons would, like, make millions. 1.00

01:07:11.780 At least they found a scam to get money. 1.00

01:07:13.560 Like, they did it.

01:07:14.180 Yeah, that's a great doctor.

01:07:14.840 Find something, you know?

01:07:16.100 Get it.

01:07:16.780 Do what you gotta do.

01:07:17.420 Yeah, it's like, I can't be a professional basketball player, because, you know.

01:07:20.900 You have to find another way.

01:07:21.840 Because I'm white.

01:07:22.520 Right.

01:07:24.740 That's a good joke.

01:07:26.460 I didn't write that one down.

01:07:27.600 But, yeah, but, like, so I found a job where I could be a professional and do it.

01:07:33.280 Did you ever think, because you were a smaller person, Brad, that, in stature only, that

01:07:39.140 you should have got, like, an extra something from the government or anything?

01:07:44.900 Like a TLC show or something?

01:07:46.000 Like a TLC show.

01:07:46.960 Like, every dwarf gets a TLC show. 1.00

01:07:48.860 That's all they do.

01:07:49.400 Dude.

01:07:49.600 That's what it's gonna be like one day.

01:07:50.860 They should just have the dwarf network.

01:07:52.440 We got all, we got, we got the WWE network.

01:07:55.560 You got, like, DIY networks.

01:07:57.940 Just have the dwarf network.

01:07:59.280 That'd be cool, huh?

01:07:59.980 Just have all dwarf shows, all the time.

01:08:02.280 Serious.

01:08:02.860 Yeah.

01:08:03.220 The only problem with those shows is they're always trying to convince that there's nothing

01:08:05.720 unordinary.

01:08:06.900 Right.

01:08:07.240 The entire time.

01:08:08.460 We're just like everyone else.

01:08:09.620 No.

01:08:10.100 No, we're not.

01:08:10.760 You're not like everyone else.

01:08:12.120 I'm not like everyone else.

01:08:12.780 The show would be super boring.

01:08:14.440 Yeah.

01:08:14.600 And the guy runs and jumps up into bed.

01:08:16.960 We want to see how you, how you're navigating your life because it's inspirational to know

01:08:21.120 that you're reg, that you're just like all of us.

01:08:23.620 Yeah.

01:08:23.840 Except you're dealing with something that makes you different than us, but like how you're,

01:08:27.060 you know what I'm saying?

01:08:27.120 Yeah.

01:08:27.300 I'm not like everybody else because I have to put my bag up in the overhead storage bin 0.93

01:08:31.980 and I got to get fucking creative. 0.99

01:08:33.380 Black guys don't come up to me and go, wait, what's up, big man? 0.99

01:08:37.100 Like, look at this one. 0.99

01:08:39.360 Look at this little guy.

01:08:40.440 Like that never happened to me.

01:08:41.360 Life is different.

01:08:42.280 Okay.

01:08:42.580 Yeah, we do.

01:08:43.380 But yeah, it's like we don't make people, we don't make people like have to be better

01:08:48.760 themselves really.

01:08:49.880 You know, it's like, we'll just keep making it more comfortable.

01:08:52.420 We don't challenge.

01:08:53.480 It doesn't seem like we challenge.

01:08:55.140 Look at food.

01:08:56.120 People.

01:08:56.780 People just eat for taste.

01:08:58.680 Yeah.

01:08:58.900 All they care about is their mouth. 0.92

01:09:00.360 Food is to feel you.

01:09:02.020 It's supposed to like make your body operate at a high level.

01:09:06.120 But we just, all we care about is the taste part.

01:09:08.700 It'd be like filling your car up with like Mountain Dew just every day.

01:09:11.880 And then the engine seizes and the mechanic, a doctor is like, dude, have you been putting

01:09:16.220 soda pop in this car?

01:09:17.600 He's like, yeah, dude, loves Mountain Dew.

01:09:19.200 He's like, no, this runs on fuel.

01:09:22.420 And you're like, dude, it loves Mountain Dew.

01:09:23.960 But it loves Mountain Dew.

01:09:24.520 Okay, well, you're going to have to keep coming here.

01:09:26.080 The engine is going to have to be stripped and fixed every single time you put Mountain

01:09:30.140 Dew in this thing.

01:09:30.800 You're like, Mountain Dew is what it likes.

01:09:32.460 What do you know?

01:09:32.880 That's what we do with our own bodies. 1.00

01:09:34.220 We get one body in our entire life and we just put shit in it. 0.99

01:09:37.920 And then once we get like to 40, we realize we've got problems and we need pills and medications. 1.00

01:09:43.240 It's like, yeah, stupid. 1.00

01:09:44.080 You've been doing it to yourself. 1.00

01:09:45.540 And we get them.

01:09:46.360 That's the thing.

01:09:46.800 In the US, we get them.

01:09:47.740 I feel like, I wonder if we didn't have those things like to help us, you know, like if we

01:09:51.620 didn't know that like there's a, there's a, some bailout program that's going

01:09:55.640 to be there.

01:09:56.020 There's a way, like if, if we all went completely broke, we know there's probably a way where

01:09:59.980 we're going to get housing somehow that we're going to get probably able to be able to get

01:10:03.260 medicine.

01:10:04.060 Or parents.

01:10:04.700 Like, yeah.

01:10:05.120 And yeah, it doesn't make us challenge ourselves any, but I don't know how you do that.

01:10:08.300 I don't know how you.

01:10:09.080 We'll know that like worst case scenario, you can go stay with your parents until you get

01:10:12.680 back on your feet.

01:10:13.480 Right.

01:10:13.800 Or like worst case scenario, especially if like you're a clean person, like if you don't drink

01:10:17.000 and drugs and stuff, like you'll probably have a thousand couches.

01:10:19.260 You can write, like you'll never be homeless.

01:10:21.120 Right.

01:10:21.440 If you can keep up like what you're doing, but people that don't have that, that's why

01:10:26.240 rich kids statistically famously don't do much because they're like, they're comfy.

01:10:30.780 They've never had to, they always know that backup's there and that's what people might

01:10:34.560 be doing subconsciously with their health.

01:10:36.060 It's gonna, they'll take care of it.

01:10:37.420 Oh yeah.

01:10:37.720 I'm sure.

01:10:38.100 I think I'm sure I've done it in my own life.

01:10:40.500 You know, I smoked not a ton, but I smoked semi decently probably till about maybe two months

01:10:45.360 ago now.

01:10:45.940 Cigarettes?

01:10:46.520 Yeah.

01:10:46.840 Really?

01:10:47.100 Over two months off of cigarettes.

01:10:48.600 Yeah.

01:10:49.020 There you go.

01:10:49.480 But it's like, I can't blame it.

01:10:50.760 I definitely feel better.

01:10:52.200 God, it was the worst.

01:10:52.960 Oh, you have to.

01:10:53.680 Yeah.

01:10:53.980 That's, that's the great, like whenever I actually eat like a kale salad with very little 0.99

01:10:59.540 salad dressing on it, I go, damn it. 0.97

01:11:01.880 I feel like a lot better. 0.99

01:11:03.660 Well, even the placebo of that, of like I'm doing the right thing.

01:11:05.960 Yeah.

01:11:06.180 I've made a good decision.

01:11:07.160 Like I feel good.

01:11:08.380 Like I have, like I don't have to take it.

01:11:09.560 I can still go walk.

01:11:10.340 Yeah.

01:11:10.500 I can still walk around.

01:11:11.640 You know why I never smoke cigarettes?

01:11:12.900 Cause I'm pretty susceptible to peer pressure.

01:11:14.560 I just want to be part of the gang.

01:11:15.880 You know?

01:11:16.060 I want to be friends.

01:11:17.140 So like when everyone was smoking weed, they were always like, man, this is the best.

01:11:20.320 Let's get like a marijuana sweatshirt I'll wear to school.

01:11:23.100 And like weed's the best.

01:11:24.080 Oh yeah.

01:11:25.080 And like Dr. Dre, we're going to go to Janine's house.

01:11:27.600 We're going to drink.

01:11:28.300 You guys, we want to drink alcohol, but even like, so everything looks really good.

01:11:32.860 You can get it.

01:11:33.980 Anybody who would smoke cigarettes around me and be like, man, don't do this. 1.00

01:11:36.460 I hate this shit, man. 1.00

01:11:37.460 Like, wow. 1.00

01:11:37.920 There's still, wow.

01:11:39.060 And so like, I just saw that commercial.

01:11:41.140 I was like, I'm never going to do that.

01:11:42.320 I've never seen anyone enjoy a cigarette.

01:11:44.040 That's really true.

01:11:45.240 They're just sitting there going, I can't believe I do this.

01:11:47.400 It's expensive.

01:11:48.240 It stinks. 0.95

01:11:48.880 I hate it. 0.53

01:11:49.560 Don't, don't ever do this.

01:11:50.520 This is bad.

01:11:51.020 It's so true. 0.84

01:11:51.640 People are like, don't ever do this while they're doing it.

01:11:53.900 Yeah.

01:11:54.000 That was me. 1.00

01:11:54.500 Oh, I'd be miserable and fucking smoking. 1.00

01:11:56.600 Yeah. 1.00

01:11:56.820 Cause no one ever does that with like good sex.

01:11:59.420 Like don't do this.

01:12:00.700 Yeah.

01:12:00.940 Yeah. 0.98

01:12:01.180 No one's ever fucking like a hot person and be like, ah, I, this is horrible. 0.99

01:12:05.240 I hate this. 0.99

01:12:05.520 You wouldn't eat a sandwich and you're like, this is the worst.

01:12:08.040 Don't eat one of these later.

01:12:09.220 It's like, well, you're doing it.

01:12:11.080 Yeah.

01:12:11.700 And that comes with the placebo of self-loathing and stuff.

01:12:14.080 So like when you're doing that, you're kind of feeling gross about yourself.

01:12:16.420 Like, man, I shouldn't be doing this.

01:12:17.640 I said I was going to quit.

01:12:18.600 Blah, blah, blah.

01:12:19.060 So there's the opposite effect of that kale salad psychologically.

01:12:22.100 But then, so, but then there's so like, you know, we could like, they have cigarettes.

01:12:25.820 People can have them if they want to, right?

01:12:27.320 They're available.

01:12:27.920 But do you blame like the government for allowing like there to be cigarettes that people can

01:12:33.360 have, even though they're addictive?

01:12:34.780 It's free will, man.

01:12:35.560 You can do whatever you want.

01:12:36.720 Yeah.

01:12:36.860 But just don't cry to me when you get lung cancer.

01:12:39.020 Yeah.

01:12:39.360 Yeah.

01:12:39.540 Don't say it's so sad you died early.

01:12:41.240 You chose that, but good for you.

01:12:42.940 I love that you want to do that.

01:12:44.320 Yeah.

01:12:44.620 It's like, why do we watch the dude walk across the volcano on the tightrope?

01:12:50.140 Because in the back of your head, you're like, wow.

01:12:51.740 I'd never do that.

01:12:52.180 He could fall into that.

01:12:53.480 And also, I'd never do that.

01:12:54.520 That makes him heroic to me.

01:12:55.860 Yes.

01:12:56.160 And then if that dude fell in the volcano and died, would we feel bad for him?

01:13:01.420 No.

01:13:01.620 We'd all be like, well, he walked across the volcano.

01:13:04.640 I always think about that with the football analogy of like, I wouldn't have posters of

01:13:08.700 these guys on my walls as a kid and think they're like these hero titans if it was safe.

01:13:13.940 Yeah.

01:13:14.220 That's what makes them cooler than my dad is like, they can let go crush skulls and

01:13:19.060 like, they're like literally like throwing footballs 50 yards.

01:13:21.580 It's not like I have a poster of my stepdad, Willie, on my wall.

01:13:24.540 Here's Uncle Al.

01:13:25.520 He got his graduate degree from FBW or whatever these things are.

01:13:31.200 I don't care.

01:13:31.700 He's an accountant.

01:13:31.720 Done.

01:13:32.560 Look at his stats.

01:13:34.160 Miss Bobby.

01:13:35.040 I got a poster of Miss Bobby.

01:13:36.620 Look at how many returns he filed last year.

01:13:38.940 Oh, man.

01:13:39.500 What a legend.

01:13:40.880 It would be pretty cool if they had like heroic posters for this regular dude.

01:13:45.540 Mr. Sensenbaugh, he's taught physical education in school for 40 years.

01:13:49.840 Yeah, what a legend.

01:13:50.780 What a legend.

01:13:52.080 What do we got in the news, Nick?

01:13:53.420 Anything exciting going on?

01:13:54.840 This was kind of funny.

01:13:56.080 Chuck E. Cheese, because people didn't seem to be wanting to order them on some of the food

01:14:00.120 delivery apps, they changed their branding.

01:14:02.720 Nobody wanted crappy pizza?

01:14:03.840 They changed their branding to Pasquale's Pizza and trying to pretend they're like- 0.93

01:14:09.480 Or that Latino. 1.00

01:14:12.380 What does Pasquale's mean?

01:14:14.200 Pasquale is actually another member of Chuck E. Cheese's rap band.

01:14:18.220 Oh, I hate that.

01:14:18.480 But no one knows that.

01:14:19.380 I hate that I knew that.

01:14:20.460 You knew that? 1.00

01:14:21.280 Fuck yeah, I knew that. 1.00

01:14:21.840 The animatronic rap band. 1.00

01:14:23.240 How did you know that?

01:14:23.880 I also love that you have a-

01:14:24.920 Pasquale.

01:14:25.320 And then there's the purple one and then the-

01:14:27.340 Grimace?

01:14:28.080 Not Grimace, though.

01:14:29.280 And then there's the-

01:14:30.280 No, his name is Munch.

01:14:32.220 Munch.

01:14:32.840 When little people are-

01:14:33.880 See if I'm right.

01:14:34.500 Smaller people, when you guys see like-

01:14:36.120 Better be Munch. 0.55

01:14:37.160 Characters, do you guys feel like there's like a-

01:14:39.480 Like a sense of like-

01:14:41.480 It doesn't seem like you-

01:14:42.740 Like, do you know what I'm talking about, Connor?

01:14:43.980 What?

01:14:44.380 Like-

01:14:44.600 Because you guys get like a lot of the same attention, I feel like, as like maybe Snow White at Disneyland or like-

01:14:49.000 Oh, yeah.

01:14:49.680 Oh, dude.

01:14:50.440 Like-

01:14:50.860 Because-

01:14:51.380 All right.

01:14:51.920 When you see characters like Pasquale or like Chuck E.

01:14:55.860 Yeah.

01:14:56.400 Do you feel like a symbiosis with them?

01:14:59.460 Like, do you feel like-

01:15:00.260 Kinda.

01:15:00.820 I just go, well, they all get stared at.

01:15:02.840 But no, it was funny because like my job before I was a comic is I worked at Disneyland because I grew up in Southern California.

01:15:08.280 And that's a great way for high school to make money.

01:15:09.980 Great job, too.

01:15:10.460 It's a fun job.

01:15:11.200 It's great.

01:15:11.780 Oh, yeah.

01:15:12.260 It was funny.

01:15:12.960 Great place to meet gay dudes, too.

01:15:14.580 Everyone's happy to be here.

01:15:15.300 I mean, you're not wrong.

01:15:17.320 You're not wrong, Joe.

01:15:18.120 Bro, it is a really homoerotic hotbed down there, dude. 1.00

01:15:20.540 I didn't know that.

01:15:21.240 Oh, yeah.

01:15:21.820 It is very gay friendly.

01:15:23.280 Well, I go to Disneyland all the time with my guy friends.

01:15:26.400 Yeah.

01:15:26.880 I have no idea.

01:15:27.340 They're probably going, hey, there's one of us.

01:15:29.240 That was another gay guy right there.

01:15:30.500 There's a couple graduates. 0.77

01:15:31.600 Yeah, no.

01:15:31.980 It was fun because I got a lot of attention from the girls that worked there because I was like one of the only straight dudes that worked there. 1.00

01:15:39.760 All right.

01:15:40.780 I was not one of the seven.

01:15:43.180 That's not-

01:15:43.760 Okay.

01:15:44.200 I was a bodyguard for the characters.

01:15:47.080 It's called being a character host.

01:15:48.480 Yeah, you walk around with them.

01:15:49.440 Yeah, and just like make sure no one fights and stuff.

01:15:51.120 The seven dwarfs are actually gigantic in the costume. 1.00

01:15:54.000 Yeah.

01:15:54.200 They come out, they're huge.

01:15:55.240 They should actually hire dwarfs and then make the costume smaller. 1.00

01:15:58.560 Yeah.

01:15:58.720 That's what they should do.

01:15:59.360 Yes, Mr. Munch.

01:16:00.620 I got it right.

01:16:01.500 There he is.

01:16:02.180 Ha! 0.99

01:16:02.980 I am a loser. 0.96

01:16:04.320 The current incarnation of the character is called Munch's Make-Believe Band. 0.93

01:16:07.880 Oh, it's his band.

01:16:08.820 Chuckie.

01:16:09.140 He's a band leader.

01:16:10.380 Helen Henney, Mr. Munch, Jasper Jowls, and Pasquale.

01:16:14.300 Here's the thing.

01:16:14.960 If you're going to open a restaurant, right?

01:16:16.980 A restaurant arcade for children.

01:16:18.940 Yeah.

01:16:19.080 Why pick a rodent to be like the man?

01:16:21.180 Like, that's the number one thing you don't want in a kitchen.

01:16:23.620 Oh.

01:16:24.200 Yeah, I think.

01:16:25.500 They're like, Chuck E. Cheese.

01:16:26.300 Yeah, yeah.

01:16:26.500 They're like, what are they doing?

01:16:27.220 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:16:27.840 It's a mouse.

01:16:28.380 They're like, hey, Chuck E. Cheese.

01:16:30.400 TMZ has a thing out for Chuck E. Cheese.

01:16:32.560 Would you admit that, Nick?

01:16:34.160 Yeah, he is out for Chuck E. Cheese.

01:16:35.140 Oh, TMZ hates Chuck E. Cheese every week.

01:16:37.720 Your buddy hates Chuck E. Cheese.

01:16:38.760 Who is it?

01:16:39.420 Your body does?

01:16:40.220 Oh, your buddy, man.

01:16:41.400 Gianni.

01:16:42.160 Gianna.

01:16:42.780 Gianni hates Chuck E. Cheese, too?

01:16:44.500 He tweeted something.

01:16:46.340 It was actually kind of funny.

01:16:47.720 He posted something how he hated people who were getting takeout from Chuck E. Cheese before

01:16:51.280 this actually happened.

01:16:52.500 One of his friends the next day dropped some off at his house.

01:16:55.600 And a couple hours later, Gianni tweeted, Chuck E. Cheese is better than In-N-Out fighting.

01:17:00.460 Well, he drove to Chuck E. Cheese.

01:17:01.900 He filmed it with his phone.

01:17:03.360 You know how all... 1.00

01:17:04.140 I skipped through most of his shit. 0.99

01:17:05.560 I don't know. 0.99

01:17:06.220 But you know how all young people, like, that's what the new, like, YouTuber in TikTok is?

01:17:09.720 Like, them ranting in their car?

01:17:11.180 Yeah.

01:17:11.700 With, like, quick edits for some reason where, like, just jumps from, like, random.

01:17:16.420 Like, that's the whole video.

01:17:18.060 And it's, like, them just, like, taking a hard take on, like, pineapple on pizza or some 0.99

01:17:21.080 shit. 0.97

01:17:22.020 But he did, like, a hard take on how, like, Chuck E. Cheese, they should all be closed. 1.00

01:17:26.880 They're all creepy. 0.99

01:17:27.740 The food is shitty. 0.98

01:17:28.680 And he did, like, a whole thing. 0.87

01:17:29.700 But he definitely did it before all this.

01:17:32.380 Yeah, they go after Chuck E. Cheese all the time.

01:17:34.280 There's always...

01:17:34.880 I remember they found a piece of scalp in one of the ball pits or something there once.

01:17:38.500 And that's what set it off, though.

01:17:39.940 That's a big deal.

01:17:40.920 But we used to go on dates.

01:17:42.140 I remember people would do, like, a...

01:17:43.580 Like, I remember, like, if your mom and somebody else's mom that had, like, a cute child or

01:17:47.460 something, they would set you up on a little date at Chuck E.

01:17:50.380 And they would sit you at the other table.

01:17:51.880 You'd sit at one table to parents, and the kids would sit at another table.

01:17:55.140 Like a little double date, kind of.

01:17:56.660 I always liked their pizza.

01:17:57.940 I might get Pasquale's takeout.

01:17:59.660 Really?

01:17:59.980 I always thought it was good.

01:18:01.500 I mean, it's hard to screw up pizza, in my opinion.

01:18:04.020 Maybe it's because I was eight, but, like...

01:18:06.260 Bro, I had no joke.

01:18:07.620 I had my 34th birthday at Chuck E. Cheese's in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

01:18:11.080 Ha! 0.89

01:18:11.700 And I could only invite five people.

01:18:13.680 Why?

01:18:13.940 Why?

01:18:14.340 That's the rule.

01:18:14.900 That was, like, the amount we paid for in the package.

01:18:17.340 And, um...

01:18:18.220 Were they a little alarmed that it was a 34-year-old birthday party?

01:18:21.800 Well, the funny part was it would be, like, they had the birthday tables, and it was, like,

01:18:25.060 Hannah, six.

01:18:25.920 Jonathan, four.

01:18:27.760 Theo, 34.

01:18:28.740 Oh, it was your family.

01:18:29.540 You were your family.

01:18:30.180 That's it.

01:18:30.260 And then the van would come by.

01:18:32.080 I loved it, man.

01:18:32.860 You know, uh...

01:18:33.780 It's so awesome.

01:18:35.120 So, this is a bit I do on stage, so I'm gonna try to not do it as it's a bit.

01:18:38.700 Mm-hmm.

01:18:38.900 True story.

01:18:39.560 I went to Legoland on my day off in Kansas City.

01:18:42.320 Mm-hmm.

01:18:42.700 And it's just me.

01:18:44.000 I was like, I could spend a day at Legoland.

01:18:45.960 I'll just check it out.

01:18:47.000 It looked like I do Disneyland or something, and I was gonna convince one of my guy friends

01:18:49.640 to come down.

01:18:50.640 And so, I get there in the parking lot.

01:18:51.940 I felt too weird being alone.

01:18:53.340 Legoland.

01:18:53.900 So, I called my buddy Derek.

01:18:55.040 I said, hey, I'll just wait in the car until you get here.

01:18:56.880 He gets there.

01:18:57.800 I'm 30...

01:18:58.680 I think I was 35 at the time.

01:19:00.160 My buddy Derek's, like, 37 or something.

01:19:02.520 So, we meet.

01:19:03.220 We go to the front gate, and they wouldn't sell us tickets to come to go to Legoland.

01:19:07.500 Really?

01:19:07.920 And I said, what's...

01:19:08.980 Why?

01:19:09.540 And they go, because you have to have, like, a kid with you.

01:19:11.380 And I was like, well, we don't have kids.

01:19:12.720 And they're like, yeah, but we don't just let random men walk around. 1.00

01:19:16.460 Respect.

01:19:17.120 And I was like, what do you mean?

01:19:17.780 They're like, we have adult night twice a month, and if you want to come to adult night.

01:19:20.940 It's like, I'm not here for adult night.

01:19:22.000 I'm only in town this week.

01:19:23.040 I want to go to Legoland.

01:19:24.140 Wow.

01:19:24.440 And they were like, well...

01:19:25.560 And I was like, why are you doing this?

01:19:26.640 And they're like, well, because we don't want kidnappings.

01:19:29.540 We're trying to prevent...

01:19:30.420 I was like, well, you're gonna cause a kidnapping, because I'm about to go steal a kid to get into

01:19:33.740 Legoland.

01:19:35.100 Well, also, would I be the best kidnapper in the world?

01:19:37.540 That kid would be so happy.

01:19:38.580 He'd be like, oh, this guy's great.

01:19:39.960 My dad never takes me to Legoland.

01:19:41.000 Yeah.

01:19:41.200 Interesting.

01:19:41.660 He dropped me back off at home?

01:19:42.840 No sex, just fun.

01:19:44.060 Yeah, exactly. 0.99

01:19:44.920 He didn't try to fuck me or anything. 0.99

01:19:46.440 Yeah. 1.00

01:19:47.000 This guy's great.

01:19:48.120 Now would they let two women go into Legoland without kids? 0.99

01:19:52.100 We should test it.

01:19:52.900 I don't know, because they were pretty weird.

01:19:54.720 That'd be interesting.

01:19:54.940 That's a good point.

01:19:55.720 Because I have kind of a similar story.

01:19:57.980 I was at a mall, and they got those...

01:20:01.400 I think they're called Busy Bees.

01:20:03.140 It's like a Chuck E. Cheese. 1.00

01:20:04.500 There's tubes and ball pits and shit. 0.99

01:20:05.780 And I was in the middle of the Midwest doing shows, and I'm by myself. 0.99

01:20:09.360 I'm like, you know what? 1.00

01:20:10.340 Fuck it. 1.00

01:20:10.820 I guess they'll fit in those tubes. 1.00

01:20:12.460 Let's go.

01:20:12.980 Yeah, that's right.

01:20:13.460 Let's go to Busy Bees.

01:20:14.880 So I start walking in there, and an employee stops me, and he goes like, hey, do you have

01:20:20.260 a kid in there?

01:20:21.740 And I go, nah, I just want to go in there.

01:20:23.260 And I'm small enough to run around the tubes.

01:20:24.920 They go, yeah, we can't.

01:20:26.860 Oh, really?

01:20:27.340 We can't let you do that.

01:20:28.240 I'm like, you know what?

01:20:28.940 But in this case, probably a good idea.

01:20:32.180 Just some single white dude just walks in, just like, yeah, I want to go run around with 0.93

01:20:35.860 the kids.

01:20:36.580 That's so funny.

01:20:37.700 Does it feel like a lot?

01:20:38.560 You should have just went to the bathroom shaved and been like, I'm a kid, man.

01:20:41.260 Yeah. 0.68

01:20:42.500 Why are you hassling me?

01:20:43.900 Like, oh, I'm late for school.

01:20:46.460 Have you seen Peepaw?

01:20:47.880 Yeah.

01:20:48.720 Does it feel a lot?

01:20:49.960 You have a shirt on that says Grandpa's Favorite on it?

01:20:54.940 Does it feel a lot of times, like, because of your size and stuff, that you get to relive

01:20:58.700 your childhood in some instances? 1.00

01:21:00.260 Fuck yes. 1.00

01:21:01.340 Wow. 1.00

01:21:01.840 Fuck yes. 1.00

01:21:02.380 Really? 1.00

01:21:02.660 That's pretty cool.

01:21:03.500 Think about that, man. 1.00

01:21:04.220 I can do all that shit. 1.00

01:21:05.060 Oh, there's a... 1.00

01:21:06.280 Give me a good one.

01:21:07.360 My favorite ride is at Knott's Berry Farm Camp Snoopy.

01:21:12.440 It's called Huff and Puff.

01:21:13.580 And I could still ride that ride.

01:21:15.620 My friends can't.

01:21:16.300 Oh, we can't?

01:21:16.840 We're too big?

01:21:17.320 Too big.

01:21:18.140 Look up Huff and Puff.

01:21:19.060 You'll see why.

01:21:20.620 It's a train that you sit on.

01:21:22.880 Oh, cool.

01:21:23.320 And then you, like, you can, like, move the thing back and forth, and then that controls

01:21:27.780 your speed of the train.

01:21:29.040 Oh, wow.

01:21:29.720 They're going to pay you to, like, be the guy.

01:21:31.620 There it is.

01:21:31.880 Oh, there it is.

01:21:32.620 Look at that.

01:21:33.380 I can still do that.

01:21:34.400 It's adorable.

01:21:35.000 Hell yeah.

01:21:35.480 It's awesome.

01:21:36.320 There's Bobby Lee and his girl.

01:21:41.020 That, it's like, it's always funny when I would do it, because I would go to Knott's

01:21:45.820 Berry Farm and just, you know, I'd be with my friends and be like, hold on.

01:21:49.340 I got to go ride Huff and Puff real quick.

01:21:50.640 Oh, that's great.

01:21:51.520 And, like, I...

01:21:51.960 Do they take photos?

01:21:52.780 Yeah.

01:21:53.260 There must be a photo of that.

01:21:54.120 Yeah.

01:21:54.440 So, there's, like, a video somewhere of, like, the train going by, and it's like, kid, kid,

01:21:59.720 kid.

01:22:00.080 And then Brad comes high and waving.

01:22:01.540 Yeah.

01:22:01.680 And I bet the people love that, too.

01:22:03.000 They're like, yeah.

01:22:03.640 They should, like...

01:22:03.880 You see a midget riding Huff and Puff? 1.00

01:22:05.360 You're like, fuck yeah. 0.99

01:22:06.180 That guy's been on forever. 1.00

01:22:08.320 He won't get off.

01:22:09.380 Yeah.

01:22:09.500 That guy's been on for 25 years, man.

01:22:12.860 It's awesome.

01:22:13.580 I go, yeah.

01:22:13.960 Well, if I can't ride some of the roller coasters, then the payoff of that is I can still ride

01:22:19.600 the kid...

01:22:20.220 Yeah, that's great.

01:22:21.140 ...kid rides.

01:22:22.080 Yeah.

01:22:22.320 And then I was watching the Chicago Bulls documentary, and I was hearing about how, like, Air Jordans

01:22:30.420 are costing people, like, $175.

01:22:32.460 And I'm like, oh, wow.

01:22:33.780 They've only cost, like, 50 bucks for me for, like...

01:22:36.100 Oh, that's a...

01:22:36.860 I didn't even think about that.

01:22:37.740 For years, they've cost me 50 bucks.

01:22:40.500 I didn't even think about that.

01:22:41.360 I wonder what...

01:22:42.400 I wonder what the cost of savings is if you're a little person, the overall life savings.

01:22:47.780 Well, for there, you get savings, but then you buy, like, a pair of pants, and then you 0.92

01:22:52.340 got to get them altered and shit like that. 0.98

01:22:54.740 Oh, yeah.

01:22:54.900 Or, God forbid, you buy a suit.

01:22:56.780 I got a couple of suits that cost me a little extra money.

01:22:58.980 Oh, really?

01:22:59.540 Yeah, because I had to get them altered.

01:23:00.360 Well, they tailor suits anyways, so it's weird that they...

01:23:03.120 That must have gotten easier as you got older.

01:23:04.640 Yeah.

01:23:04.960 With, like, the internet in modern times, right?

01:23:06.420 Yeah, because now there's, like, services. 0.99

01:23:08.760 I'm sure some of them even sponsored your podcast where, like, you, like, measure your shit 0.94

01:23:12.120 and you send it off to them. 1.00

01:23:13.220 As a kid, jeans must have been a nightmare.

01:23:15.540 Yeah.

01:23:15.920 Oh, that's horrible.

01:23:16.880 Now it's, like...

01:23:17.620 Yeah, now there's, like, great places that do that.

01:23:20.860 Did you always...

01:23:21.960 Not to ask questions.

01:23:23.140 I don't know any other little people except for you.

01:23:26.460 Cool.

01:23:27.180 Or different types of people that aren't...

01:23:29.000 I'll be your dwarf Google.

01:23:30.220 Super tall, yeah, but...

01:23:32.320 Do you...

01:23:32.860 Warphopedia.

01:23:33.300 Did you always know that you are at a certain point...

01:23:36.400 Did your parents sit you down and say, hey, man, we have something to tell you?

01:23:38.900 Oh, so they told me I was a dwarf, but they told me before I went off to school because

01:23:46.160 my dad...

01:23:47.580 My family's all tall.

01:23:49.280 So my dad told me, he's like, no, when you go to school, there's gonna be some kids that

01:23:53.540 make fun of you because you're a dwarf.

01:23:55.680 So let's you and I write some comebacks for them. 0.96

01:23:58.280 Nice.

01:23:58.540 Wow.

01:23:58.860 So my dad...

01:23:59.600 Good old school, dad.

01:24:00.000 Yeah.

01:24:00.300 So my dad and I wrote jokes. 1.00

01:24:02.100 My dad was like, just stop being a pussy. 1.00

01:24:03.420 Why are you crying? 1.00

01:24:04.540 Yeah.

01:24:04.880 Kids pick on kids.

01:24:05.920 Grow up.

01:24:06.420 Yeah.

01:24:06.880 Yeah.

01:24:07.060 So, like, we wrote jokes.

01:24:09.000 So then when I went to school and kids made fun of me, I had comebacks, like, written.

01:24:13.600 Nice.

01:24:14.000 And I would say it to them, and then they'd get all sad, and I'd get...

01:24:17.240 I got sent to the principal's office once.

01:24:18.460 Did you feel bad stealing your dad's material?

01:24:22.080 Did you...

01:24:22.760 Do you think that that helped make you into a comedian?

01:24:24.920 Hell yeah.

01:24:25.000 That sounds like exactly how I would become a comedian, I feel like.

01:24:28.960 Yeah.

01:24:29.320 But also just being different is probably why you're a comedian.

01:24:31.220 Yeah, that too.

01:24:32.240 That will...

01:24:32.620 But, like, but that attitude with being different.

01:24:35.200 Right.

01:24:35.540 That's why...

01:24:36.140 That's probably why I'm a comic.

01:24:36.860 That's what makes you funny.

01:24:38.020 Yeah.

01:24:38.380 So then when, like, when I go to some city and some guy, like, yells out, leprechaun.

01:24:42.880 I'm like, really?

01:24:43.720 Yeah. 1.00

01:24:43.880 You think I haven't heard that shit before? 1.00

01:24:45.520 Yeah. 1.00

01:24:45.880 Let's go.

01:24:46.860 Okay?

01:24:47.160 Like, like...

01:24:48.000 And then I fire back at him.

01:24:49.800 And he's never been funny, that guy.

01:24:51.180 If he's still yelling, leprechaun at this age, like, that guy.

01:24:54.640 How sad is it...

01:24:56.180 How sad is it as we get older when you have your friends that still tell, like, jokes

01:25:01.100 that are just, like, from...

01:25:03.000 Or just, like, the worst, like, little comebacks or whatever?

01:25:06.540 That's my biggest pet peeve.

01:25:07.000 You know what the worst one is?

01:25:08.040 Is when people, especially grown men and grown women, anyone who I'd say over the age of 11,

01:25:14.640 if you think you're funny, because you're saying, like, a line from a Happy Gilmore movie...

01:25:19.640 Yeah.

01:25:20.020 ...or, like, you're quoting Michael Scott from, like...

01:25:23.180 You stole a quote from a thing, and now you're putting it in your own life, and you think

01:25:27.580 you're very funny? 1.00

01:25:28.320 Like, you suck. 1.00

01:25:29.320 You're not funny at all. 1.00

01:25:30.060 Yeah, you're my boy, Blue.

01:25:31.160 Somebody who keeps saying that now.

01:25:32.780 Yeah.

01:25:33.220 Yeah.

01:25:33.440 Except there's one guy who did a cool little video. 1.00

01:25:34.900 I'm rich, bitch. 1.00

01:25:35.480 Yeah. 1.00

01:25:35.760 He had a friend that had drowned or something, and he's like, you're my boy, Blue, and he 1.00

01:25:38.600 kept fucking turning the camera to the fucking body. 1.00

01:25:41.800 Jesus. 1.00

01:25:42.360 How crazy is that, man?

01:25:43.220 See, that's where that guy's sense of humor is.

01:25:45.380 No, that was, you're Blue, my boy.

01:25:47.300 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:25:48.260 Oh, you're Blue, my boy.

01:25:50.060 Oh, well, see, that's creative.

01:25:51.640 You twisted a little bit.

01:25:52.480 Did something different?

01:25:53.820 That's good.

01:25:54.600 You're Blue, my boy.

01:25:57.420 And then a fish jumped out of his mouth.

01:25:59.160 Oh, that's like, I don't fear anything about, like, being a dad in terms of stuff that I'm

01:26:05.680 going to do with my daughter.

01:26:06.620 The thing that I fear is, like, once I have to start interacting with other parents who

01:26:12.400 just aren't funny.

01:26:14.280 Oh, yeah.

01:26:14.820 No, you don't have to put up with that.

01:26:16.240 Oh, and then they find out I'm a comic.

01:26:17.900 No, you can be polite, but, like, you don't have to, like, you don't have, I mean.

01:26:21.020 Yeah, no, when they find out you're a comic, that has to be the worst.

01:26:23.720 When you have a child, think about that.

01:26:24.980 You have a child.

01:26:25.580 You have this connection piece to somebody else that is a child. 0.88

01:26:28.420 So you have to mill around while your children do whatever they're doing, lick each other. 1.00

01:26:32.700 Yeah, and the kids are friends.

01:26:33.340 And I'm like, God, now I have to, like, you're friends with Sally, so we'd have to deal with

01:26:37.600 it.

01:26:37.660 He can just go jump in the ball pit and try running around the tubes.

01:26:40.720 Dude, I can't wait for that day when me and my daughter are both running around the tubes

01:26:45.120 of Chuck E. Cheese.

01:26:45.960 Oh, I'm going to go back to that busy bees.

01:26:48.080 You're like, I can't listen to your friend's dad tell bad jokes.

01:26:51.840 I'm going to jump around playing the tubes with the kids.

01:26:53.900 Dude, that's hilarious, man.

01:26:55.100 Is your daughter a dwarf? 0.56

01:26:56.300 Yes.

01:26:56.500 Right, I think you told me that.

01:26:58.180 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:26:59.260 Got the Asian dwarf baby, or as I like to call her, ADB.

01:27:04.200 Wait, were you hoping for a dwarf?

01:27:05.780 Yeah.

01:27:06.320 Okay.

01:27:06.660 Yeah, well, because, like, I don't want my kid to grow older and get bigger than me,

01:27:11.180 and I got to, like, discipline her.

01:27:13.720 Go to your room. 1.00

01:27:14.620 Fuck you, Dad. 1.00

01:27:15.580 Well, now she's kind of on your team. 1.00

01:27:16.880 There she is.

01:27:17.220 You got her.

01:27:17.800 Yeah, look at that adorable child. 0.77

01:27:18.500 Now she's on your team. 0.64

01:27:19.160 So if it comes down to, like, you and, you know, you and your wife are having, you know,

01:27:22.720 now it's kind of like Team Dorf is dominating the house.

01:27:25.280 Oh, yeah.

01:27:25.700 Now it's like my wife can't complain if she, like, trips over a stepstool or something, 1.00

01:27:30.420 because they're like, this is the world you're living in now.

01:27:31.900 This is you.

01:27:32.560 You signed up for this.

01:27:34.060 Look at that.

01:27:34.560 But if she was, like, if she was an average height person, it'd be her and her mom,

01:27:38.860 and now you're out.

01:27:39.520 Yeah, now I'm that side.

01:27:40.060 Look at that smile.

01:27:40.980 It's so cute, huh?

01:27:41.960 Yeah.

01:27:42.440 Is there another one?

01:27:43.140 Oh, that's the picture behind it.

01:27:44.260 That's my baby.

01:27:45.080 Yeah.

01:27:45.340 I thought there was one on the ground.

01:27:45.980 Yeah, my wife is Chinese, so we made an Asian dwarf baby. 1.00

01:27:50.260 And what are the odds that she was going to be a dwarf?

01:27:53.420 50-50.

01:27:54.380 Wow.

01:27:54.980 Yeah.

01:27:55.500 So we were, you know, we were just kind of, that might be my favorite one.

01:28:01.340 Oh, so cute.

01:28:02.900 Someone gave her a robe with her initials on it.

01:28:05.900 Some pet.

01:28:06.880 Oh, I know who it was.

01:28:07.760 Probably somebody who tries to get into a Lego lane by themself.

01:28:10.180 That's it.

01:28:12.160 Don't put that on me.

01:28:13.160 Oh, so that person has no idea how newborn babies or dwarfs work. 1.00

01:28:17.860 That's a giant robe.

01:28:18.980 That's like for like a one-year-old, like two-year-old.

01:28:21.100 That's the best part is like, because like when all the pandemic stuff started happening,

01:28:26.000 some people started talking to me like, oh, wow, that's going to suck when like your kid 0.70

01:28:31.920 outgrows her clothes.

01:28:33.320 I'm like, no, we got clothes for like two years.

01:28:35.140 What are you talking about?

01:28:35.320 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:28:35.680 We were hunkered down.

01:28:36.580 We're good.

01:28:37.440 I remember the worst of that.

01:28:38.200 When I buy clothes for like my nieces and nephews or something, like I was like, I don't

01:28:41.240 know, he's like four.

01:28:41.900 Is this fit?

01:28:42.500 Like I'm like holding up, like I'm like at Target, like going, it looks pretty little

01:28:45.300 to me, but like.

01:28:46.140 You're calling over another four-year-old.

01:28:47.880 Hey, how old are you?

01:28:48.740 Four, get over here. 1.00

01:28:50.380 Serious.

01:28:50.760 That's how it feels.

01:28:51.280 Like my ex-girlfriend was like, I do not know this stuff.

01:28:53.280 I was like, I don't know.

01:28:54.140 I don't have kids.

01:28:55.300 You want to go chuck and cheese after?

01:28:56.360 You're telling a little four-year-old like, hey, try this on.

01:28:58.660 Try this on.

01:28:59.300 Come out.

01:28:59.720 Do a little turn for me.

01:29:01.100 Let's see how it fits.

01:29:03.500 Do they sell lingerie for little people?

01:29:06.580 No, dude.

01:29:07.820 No, not for little people.

01:29:09.300 I thought you meant for children.

01:29:10.220 Is there, that's my point.

01:29:11.840 It would be the same.

01:29:13.380 No, it's not.

01:29:14.200 It's not. 1.00

01:29:14.720 Because we got big asses and my type of dwarfism, the girls have some big old titties. 1.00

01:29:19.500 Wow. 1.00

01:29:19.940 Really?

01:29:20.440 Yeah.

01:29:20.620 So she's going to have to.

01:29:22.220 Oh, wow.

01:29:22.540 That's beautiful.

01:29:23.140 You'd have to have customized lingerie. 0.87

01:29:25.640 Sometimes there's customized lingerie, but I think for the most part stuff just fits.

01:29:28.620 Because like, I mean, not as much stuff fits, but there's stuff that fits.

01:29:32.700 Oh, there is.

01:29:33.280 Yeah.

01:29:33.720 Yeah.

01:29:34.540 It's out there.

01:29:35.320 Because if you're going to say that, it would get a real dark world.

01:29:37.380 Oh, Bronx fan, huh?

01:29:38.840 Yeah.

01:29:39.960 There you go.

01:29:40.580 She isn't.

01:29:41.160 Look, she's not a Bronx fan.

01:29:42.380 Look, she's like, why'd you put me in this?

01:29:44.120 She's like, I got all of the lines.

01:29:45.660 I'm an L.A. baby.

01:29:46.580 That's what she said.

01:29:48.140 Is she getting to the part where she can, you said four months? 0.88

01:29:51.780 Yeah.

01:29:52.480 Four months.

01:29:52.720 Wow.

01:29:53.000 Yeah.

01:29:53.140 I love like five, six months.

01:29:54.300 They start to really kind of get interactive and stuff.

01:29:56.580 Yeah.

01:29:57.020 Well, dude, like, and not to get like too cheesy or whatever, but like when it crushes me in

01:30:04.620 the best way when I wake her up in the morning and I walk in and she's kind of crying, but

01:30:10.920 then she looks up and sees me and then just gets a big smile on her face. 0.71

01:30:13.500 It's the best. 0.98

01:30:13.860 Like that's, I, like, it sounds stupid and cheesy and I don't know, but that's human. 0.95

01:30:20.140 Literally the best feeling I've ever had in the world is, is just my daughter, like, look 0.98

01:30:25.340 at me and smiling.

01:30:26.180 It's the best feeling I've ever had.

01:30:27.720 Better than Saturday late show when they're like, you hit all your bonuses.

01:30:30.640 Ooh.

01:30:32.300 That's a good feeling.

01:30:33.080 That's a pretty good feeling. 0.96

01:30:33.600 That's a damn good feeling. 0.96

01:30:35.260 Yeah. 0.98

01:30:35.960 Yeah.

01:30:36.120 You know, it's certain, it's certain things like that.

01:30:38.740 And, uh, I got friends that don't have kids and they're like, oh, so you like, you change

01:30:43.200 the diapers and stuff.

01:30:44.080 You're like, yeah, yeah, you do. 1.00

01:30:45.660 They're like, well, but you like wiping shit. 0.99

01:30:47.520 You're like, yeah. 1.00

01:30:48.020 Yeah.

01:30:48.460 Is that Adam Ray who said that?

01:30:49.620 It sounded just like him.

01:30:52.900 A thousand percent.

01:30:54.180 No, I know.

01:30:55.200 No, but like, yeah, it's like.

01:30:57.340 So what are you like?

01:30:58.000 Gotta go get the diapers and everything?

01:30:59.800 Oh yeah.

01:31:02.460 You sound like a marriage diaper.

01:31:04.840 I'll get it for him.

01:31:05.640 Uncle Adam.

01:31:06.120 But yeah, people are like, yeah. 1.00

01:31:08.740 Do you like, like, like you clean your daughter's shit? 1.00

01:31:10.540 You're like, yeah. 1.00

01:31:11.280 I know. 1.00

01:31:11.800 Because if you don't, they're just in their own shit and you don't think about it. 0.99

01:31:15.480 Also, I'm not a monster. 0.99

01:31:17.180 Yeah.

01:31:17.540 Let my wife do it. 1.00

01:31:18.760 And I'm like, yeah.

01:31:19.760 I mean, like, like this 1950s madman dad where I'm just in the other room with a martini. 1.00

01:31:24.500 Like, how's that shit diaper, honey? 1.00

01:31:26.220 Yeah. 1.00

01:31:26.380 Also, that might be the bad part of having a, a, a Dorf daughter like you rooted for.

01:31:30.620 Cause now she's gonna be like, you, if you guys get invited, oh, you're the Dorfs, you

01:31:33.520 change her. 0.97

01:31:34.760 Cause now it's team Dorf.

01:31:35.900 I'm so, I'm big on this.

01:31:37.940 There's like an average person war going on in their house at all times.

01:31:41.280 Well, if something has, if something shits near me, I'm going to help it out.

01:31:45.840 That's where I'm at.

01:31:46.580 I don't care what it is.

01:31:47.760 You got old parents, right?

01:31:49.180 Yeah, that's true.

01:31:49.840 I feel like, I feel like, I feel like you, I feel like you should play the more, you

01:31:54.260 know, theme right at, right after you say that if something shits near me, I'm going to

01:31:58.380 help it out.

01:31:58.760 Well, she'll be a good person.

01:31:59.920 Well, just crazy.

01:32:00.580 Let something have, she don't even be running. 0.99

01:32:01.900 Like who's it?

01:32:02.500 Where's that dad?

01:32:03.400 You know what I'm saying?

01:32:04.980 That's a horrible idea.

01:32:06.700 Yeah.

01:32:07.040 What else we got, Nick?

01:32:07.920 Any other news?

01:32:09.300 Brad did have a hard out at 12.

01:32:11.180 Okay.

01:32:11.480 Oh yeah.

01:32:12.020 Yeah.

01:32:12.320 I got to go cause my wife has an appointment.

01:32:14.440 Oh yeah, that's right.

01:32:15.040 And, uh, and then I need to go watch the baby cause you can't, cause, cause you can't just 0.97

01:32:19.300 put the baby in the crib and say deuces. 0.98

01:32:21.160 It's not like my puppy that's sitting in a kennel right now.

01:32:24.280 But yeah, you, you, you guys continue, but, uh, do you mind, do you mind if I plug some 0.99

01:32:27.960 shit? 0.99

01:32:28.280 No, let's plug it, man. 1.00

01:32:28.960 Where can people check you out at?

01:32:30.480 Uh, bradwilliamscomedy.com, uh, on Instagram at bradwilliamscomic, Twitter, uh, at funny

01:32:36.500 Brad, please check out my tour schedule cause it changes almost by the week cause like, cause

01:32:41.120 like things get canceled, but then other States open up.

01:32:43.680 So they get added, like, so things are changing constantly.

01:32:46.980 So yeah, just go, just go to the website and book me on cameo.

01:32:50.880 Yeah.

01:32:51.300 Go to cameo.com slash bradwilliamscomic.

01:32:53.800 The best one I've had so far is, uh, one woman told me to tell her ex-girlfriend that 1.00

01:33:00.320 her pussy was stanky. 1.00

01:33:01.680 Oh my gosh. 1.00

01:33:02.920 Stanky. 0.56

01:33:03.260 Not stinky.

01:33:03.700 She paid for some, I guess that's good.

01:33:05.560 She doesn't want to tell.

01:33:06.340 And what's the medical term on that? 1.00

01:33:08.240 It's a stanky pussy. 1.00

01:33:10.280 I think that's medical. 1.00

01:33:10.900 I think he nailed it.

01:33:11.580 Yeah.

01:33:11.760 Just so we know.

01:33:12.300 There's some real outliers out there.

01:33:13.860 Yeah.

01:33:14.160 So you know what?

01:33:15.000 Go and book me on cameo.

01:33:16.240 I'll do it.

01:33:16.700 Like, yeah, I'm not going to say it.

01:33:18.000 I'm not going to say a racial slur or anything like that, but if you want me to call someone's 0.99

01:33:21.480 pussy stanky, I'm in. 1.00

01:33:23.100 Yeah. 1.00

01:33:23.340 Yeah.

01:33:23.880 Look for $500, you want to dress up like, uh, Dwayne Chapman, the bounty hunter.

01:33:29.080 I want to see you dressed up as a small Scott Steiner.

01:33:32.820 Oh, I'll do it.

01:33:34.040 With the chain and the glasses.

01:33:34.940 You'll just do the same smaller gimmick.

01:33:37.620 Like, bro, it would be funny if for, say like for $300, for $300, you're like, I will do

01:33:43.180 a small version of whatever your favorite.

01:33:45.800 Yeah.

01:33:45.940 So I'll do a small dog, the bounty hunter.

01:33:47.720 I'll do a smaller Scott Steiner.

01:33:48.680 That'd be so great.

01:33:49.260 You'll make a million dollars.

01:33:50.860 Vaginitis, it's called, or trichomoniasis.

01:33:54.840 Wow.

01:33:55.340 That's what the women can have. 1.00

01:33:56.500 Whatever it is, ladies. 0.99

01:33:57.360 You put whatever word you want on it.

01:33:58.720 Get it fixed.

01:34:01.100 Yeah.

01:34:01.400 Tomato, potato.

01:34:02.360 I don't care what you call it.

01:34:03.340 Vaginitis, trick of money houses.

01:34:04.260 Brad Williams.

01:34:05.180 Yeah.

01:34:05.400 Thank you so much, man.

01:34:06.560 Congratulations on the four month old.

01:34:08.520 Thank you for having me.

01:34:09.540 Yeah, man.

01:34:09.880 You bet.

01:34:10.240 Love you, brother.

01:34:10.820 Good to see you, man.

01:34:11.640 Miss you.

01:34:12.160 Get it.

01:34:13.080 All right.

01:34:13.720 Thanks, buddy.

01:34:14.420 Be good, man.

01:34:15.160 Yeah, man.

01:34:15.700 This will go up tonight, okay?

01:34:16.780 Oh, tonight?

01:34:17.360 Yeah.

01:34:17.540 Awesome.

01:34:18.360 Cool.

01:34:19.140 This is a tough wall to have to change.

01:34:22.700 You know, it's not like at the comedy store where they just put your name in cursive on the

01:34:25.700 wall.

01:34:26.760 Yeah.

01:34:27.220 For this, you got to, you want to add someone, you want to take someone away.

01:34:29.820 That's quite a thing.

01:34:31.180 Yeah, well, we have a guy who does animation that helps us out.

01:34:34.780 We don't have a guy, but we have a guy who does some awesome animation that we know,

01:34:39.160 this guy Papio Tune, and so he drew this one time, kind of based on the Simpsons characters.

01:34:43.840 Kind of.

01:34:45.380 Very much so.

01:34:46.160 I have no idea.

01:34:46.880 I'm not a big Simpsons guy.

01:34:47.920 1000%.

01:34:48.320 Okay, cool.

01:34:49.900 So then, yeah, then we just blew it up and put it on here.

01:34:53.180 It's so good.

01:34:54.040 Yeah, it's pretty cool, man.

01:34:55.380 It's definitely been something that people like to see.

01:34:59.820 Yeah, man.

01:35:01.140 It's just so crazy.

01:35:01.840 You guys went out there and got into it.

01:35:03.420 I love it.

01:35:04.040 I was excited.

01:35:05.000 I wanted to get out there, man.

01:35:06.200 Like they could have said, like I said, the money is the tricky part.

01:35:09.020 Yeah.

01:35:09.440 But I think if you did it, or if like, I think Joe Rogan's going to go to the, going to go

01:35:12.820 to Wise Guys.

01:35:13.580 That's what the rumor is around there.

01:35:15.620 Keith Stubbs, the owner, was like, yeah, Joe's going to go.

01:35:17.440 And I was like, well, what are you going to do?

01:35:18.220 Just make it like $100 a ticket, but still limit it to like the 100 people.

01:35:22.480 Right.

01:35:22.800 And he's like, yeah, something like that.

01:35:23.880 We'll probably just make the tickets 40 bucks or something like that and put 100 people in

01:35:27.300 here.

01:35:27.400 I was like, wow.

01:35:27.900 Huh.

01:35:28.400 Yeah.

01:35:28.820 Yeah.

01:35:29.120 I guess there's certainly ways to do it.

01:35:30.880 Like, um, it's not also, it should be noted.

01:35:33.300 Like, it wasn't like I sought it out.

01:35:35.380 Like I didn't go like, Hey, someone booked me.

01:35:37.740 The offer came through and I was like, really?

01:35:39.400 What does Utah not have news?

01:35:40.720 Like, how does this work?

01:35:41.680 Yeah.

01:35:42.000 And then I was just like, sure.

01:35:43.140 I guess I'll just say yes the way I always do.

01:35:44.960 Well, I was in Utah a few weeks ago.

01:35:46.280 We went camping in Southern Utah.

01:35:49.080 Nice.

01:35:49.340 Or So Ute.

01:35:50.340 A lot of people call it So Ute, but they had, um, we went to restaurants and stuff.

01:35:54.900 So Ute.

01:35:55.540 We went and ate in restaurants.

01:35:56.760 I went to a gay bar after the show because it was like the closest bar that was open.

01:35:59.800 Yeah, sure, buddy. 0.78

01:36:02.620 The old distance gay trip. 0.99

01:36:05.100 Yeah, you know, I'm on foot, you know, so I got to go to the gay one. 1.00

01:36:09.420 Yeah, my car wouldn't start, so. 0.99

01:36:10.920 But it sucked, man.

01:36:11.800 We went into the bar and it was just like a restaurant. 0.97

01:36:15.120 Like, they're like, oh, you have to sit at a table.

01:36:16.960 You can't go anywhere.

01:36:17.980 You have to stay with your people.

01:36:19.540 And if you need to go to the bathroom or something, you get up, but you got to put your mask on.

01:36:22.180 I was like, well, this isn't a bar.

01:36:23.620 Yeah.

01:36:23.840 What I like about bars, you can walk around, talk to people and stuff like that. 1.00

01:36:27.240 You can get your ass kicked by someone you don't know. 0.99

01:36:29.400 It's fun. 1.00

01:36:30.020 Yeah.

01:36:30.500 I miss the old bars.

01:36:32.000 You don't drink anymore, right?

01:36:33.180 Uh-uh.

01:36:33.660 Right.

01:36:34.040 But you still will go to a bar?

01:36:35.660 Oh, yeah.

01:36:36.040 I'll go.

01:36:36.320 Yeah.

01:36:36.980 Socialize.

01:36:37.780 Yeah, it's fun.

01:36:38.460 I mean, I think it's fun sometimes.

01:36:39.480 What I don't like, I notice that I start to not like is when people, especially women, 1.00

01:36:43.740 but if somebody's really wasted.

01:36:45.260 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:36:45.960 Just like.

01:36:46.420 That gets irritating real fast.

01:36:47.560 Especially if you're not drinking. 1.00

01:36:49.360 That shit is such a curveball. 1.00

01:36:51.820 What's this guy's name? 1.00

01:36:53.040 I'm trying to think of this name.

01:36:53.920 And this guy is a comedian.

01:36:55.400 And I should know his name.

01:36:56.180 I'm just blanking on it.

01:36:57.540 He's like.

01:36:59.280 Gay Jimmy? 0.99

01:37:00.000 Is it that guy? 0.97

01:37:00.420 It doesn't matter.

01:37:01.060 Anyways, he don't drink.

01:37:02.620 And he's like.

01:37:03.520 Gay Jimmy? 0.99

01:37:04.420 Oh, I thought you were going the other way. 0.99

01:37:05.460 Drinks a lot.

01:37:06.460 No, no. 0.96

01:37:07.200 Gay Jimmy. 1.00

01:37:08.080 He's a real sipper. 0.99

01:37:09.360 No, there's a guy who doesn't drink.

01:37:10.680 And he opened for me.

01:37:11.500 And I was like, do you still want to come out with us afterwards?

01:37:13.580 He goes, yeah.

01:37:14.020 I just won't drink.

01:37:15.440 I was like, okay, perfect.

01:37:16.400 So we go out.

01:37:17.260 And he left because he was so annoyed with how hammered the girl was that I was talking to. 0.98

01:37:22.360 He was just like, I couldn't even be around her.

01:37:24.320 Like, I was just so embarrassed for her and so annoyed.

01:37:26.920 And I was like, if Jeff can put up with this, he can put up with it.

01:37:28.880 But I'm at it.

01:37:29.720 And I was like, man, I've never even thought about that.

01:37:31.760 It's kind of like one of the perks of being drunk, too.

01:37:34.900 Yeah, it's one of the perks of being drunk.

01:37:36.220 You don't even notice that everyone else is blurry.

01:37:38.320 Yeah, it makes you judgmental.

01:37:39.280 That's one thing I don't like a little bit.

01:37:40.520 It definitely adds a level of like kind of like what I think comes off to other people as judgment.

01:37:44.900 So now I'm like, if people are drunk somewhere, you know, and you're not, you're like, oh, man, this girl's way, like, I just can't communicate with this person, you know? 0.96

01:37:53.040 Because if you'd have had two drinks, you'd probably be fine talking to them, you know?

01:37:56.500 That's weird.

01:37:57.080 When I heard you stop drinking, I was like, I considered it.

01:37:59.940 I actually considered for the first time in my life not drinking.

01:38:02.340 Really?

01:38:02.720 Yeah.

01:38:03.380 Because Jordan Peterson always talks about that all the time.

01:38:05.340 Yeah.

01:38:05.820 He's like a big on all that stuff.

01:38:07.460 But then I was just like, I don't think I can, which might mean I have a problem.

01:38:11.540 I don't know.

01:38:12.320 I don't know.

01:38:13.400 I don't, I mean, we don't cross paths a ton.

01:38:16.300 So I don't know if I've ever seen you.

01:38:18.860 So I don't know.

01:38:19.640 There's a couple of guys where it's like, you're like, oh, this dude.

01:38:21.860 It's a problem.

01:38:22.300 Yeah.

01:38:22.960 This guy's way drunk.

01:38:23.800 I'm always having fun.

01:38:25.280 And I don't have a wife or girlfriend or kids or anything.

01:38:27.720 So like, it doesn't affect, I mean, that's never negatively affected that.

01:38:30.840 You're probably fine.

01:38:31.680 Yeah.

01:38:32.080 I feel great.

01:38:32.660 You're probably doing good.

01:38:32.940 Yeah.

01:38:33.280 Yeah.

01:38:33.660 I go to yoga every day after like the next day, sweat it all out and, you know, I don't

01:38:37.880 know. 0.96

01:38:37.900 It sounds like you're having a fucking blast is what it sounds like. 0.99

01:38:39.660 It's a great life. 0.97

01:38:40.100 But also like, that does make me, when guys I admire, I'm like, oh man, they stopped.

01:38:43.960 Maybe, I don't know.

01:38:45.280 Maybe I should stop.

01:38:46.900 Yeah.

01:38:47.160 I think sometimes it's like, yeah, you start to think, is there like insider trade?

01:38:49.860 Like, am I, would it help me?

01:38:51.420 Like, am I going to start working more?

01:38:52.680 Am I going to like start like organizing things?

01:38:54.880 And like, I'll knock out seven podcasts in a day because I had so much, I didn't sleep

01:38:59.020 in until 1030 or whatever.

01:39:00.160 I don't know.

01:39:00.640 Yeah.

01:39:01.000 Do you feel more productive?

01:39:02.600 I think I have over the past few years.

01:39:05.780 I think that I have.

01:39:07.020 But then sometimes I start to think that I get too much, like, that you get a little

01:39:14.320 bit disconnected from the fun sometimes.

01:39:16.240 You feel that way?

01:39:16.980 Yeah.

01:39:17.160 I think there is a level of that, like you get a little disconnected from like the every 0.97

01:39:21.000 man, like, but you don't waste as much time.

01:39:25.100 Like you wouldn't spend time with like some drunk chick, like, yeah, like, like just little 1.00

01:39:29.920 things like that.

01:39:30.580 I feel like you save time in.

01:39:31.980 Okay.

01:39:32.380 Like if somebody's like, hey, let's go do this.

01:39:33.960 And if you were drunk, you would go do it. 0.99

01:39:35.600 And it's just the fucking worst idea. 0.99

01:39:37.180 Right. 0.99

01:39:37.520 But it's when you're sober, you're like, oh, I could see that's horrible idea.

01:39:40.640 Yeah.

01:39:40.880 You know?

01:39:41.180 Well, I feel like the, the idea that the fear of not fear of missing out, but like the

01:39:45.120 fear of like, it's not a fear.

01:39:47.120 You feel like you're missing out on some of the fun.

01:39:49.860 I feel like every comic goes through that.

01:39:52.700 And maybe it's because of social media.

01:39:54.100 Maybe it's because whatever.

01:39:54.640 Like I can't, like I've had a conversation with Eric Griffin.

01:39:57.180 I mean, the people on this wall who, when they look through the scope of what they're

01:40:01.220 looking through, they're scrolling through going, oh man, uh, you know, look at Theo

01:40:05.640 and, uh, and, uh, what's the fighter guy, you know, uh, Dustin Poirier.

01:40:11.180 Oh, Brendan.

01:40:11.700 Yeah.

01:40:11.840 Brendan.

01:40:12.260 Let's, you see that and you go, oh man, I've never, you know, they're late.

01:40:14.640 They look like they're having a good time.

01:40:15.760 Look at them laughing.

01:40:16.360 I mean, I've never been on that.

01:40:17.740 Like you do feel kind of like these, like left out.

01:40:20.760 Like everyone feels that.

01:40:21.660 And I think that like, that no one's left out, but everyone is feeling that about each

01:40:25.520 other.

01:40:25.720 And I think that's like a standup comedy thing.

01:40:27.860 Uh, yeah, I could see that.

01:40:29.060 You can't work together.

01:40:29.900 You're a headliner.

01:40:30.660 I'm a headliner.

01:40:31.300 What are we going to do?

01:40:31.880 Some weird double hour show with no openers?

01:40:34.500 Like, so because I'm watching you go have fun doing something, I'm thinking, oh man, I've

01:40:38.460 never played that.

01:40:39.040 That'd be.

01:40:39.680 Yeah.

01:40:40.240 So we're, we're forced to kind of be like separate in these things.

01:40:43.120 And then occasionally you'll see like all of these guys together in Montreal and you're

01:40:46.180 like, well, I didn't go to Montreal this year, man.

01:40:47.780 Look, I'm missing out on the, you know, that's, and then you feel it on a smaller scale too.

01:40:51.820 You'll be like at Montreal and you see like, uh, two, you know, Chad Daniels will walk away

01:40:56.960 with, you know, some other comic and he'll be like, where are you going?

01:40:59.180 They go, oh, we got tickets to go see Chappelle.

01:41:00.560 And you're like, well, I didn't.

01:41:01.460 So this is just a human thing.

01:41:02.760 I think.

01:41:03.220 Of just feeling left out.

01:41:04.140 Yeah.

01:41:04.340 It's such a comedian thing.

01:41:05.460 You're not missing anything.

01:41:06.520 Yeah.

01:41:06.700 And especially with social media now, it's like, there's always an advertisement for what somebody

01:41:10.060 else is doing no matter what it is.

01:41:11.540 So yeah, easily you could scroll, scroll, scroll through and see 70 thing of feeling

01:41:15.720 bad.

01:41:16.160 You can't be at any of them.

01:41:17.200 Yeah.

01:41:17.440 How could you?

01:41:17.960 Can't be at that hot dog.

01:41:18.680 Can't be at all of that carnival.

01:41:20.220 Can't be at the, you know, they're out there riding dune carts or whatever.

01:41:23.740 Can't do it.

01:41:24.460 Oh, I should have been out in the mountains hiking right now.

01:41:26.680 Like the way they're doing it.

01:41:27.460 But he's in the hospital. 1.00

01:41:27.800 Oh, lucky fuck. 1.00

01:41:28.780 You know? 1.00

01:41:29.000 I saw a girl I haven't talked to in years.

01:41:30.580 We never, like we just worked together on TV show.

01:41:32.320 It wasn't like we weren't like together.

01:41:33.600 She had a boyfriend.

01:41:34.380 Now they're married.

01:41:35.140 They have a kid.

01:41:35.940 I haven't talked to that girl in easily two years.

01:41:39.000 We haven't worked together.

01:41:39.960 We didn't text.

01:41:40.680 Nothing.

01:41:41.660 I saw her, her husband, their like baby and then another family and they're like GPing 0.99

01:41:46.020 up in like Joshua tree and I felt left out on that. 0.99

01:41:48.920 Damn. 0.99

01:41:49.360 Oh, they should have included me. 0.99

01:41:51.200 Two cute families that are like out.

01:41:53.320 Of course they didn't include.

01:41:54.820 Why would they?

01:41:55.420 But my initial brain went, oh man, that.

01:41:59.180 I'm left out.

01:41:59.860 Come on, man.

01:42:00.380 I should have been there.

01:42:01.500 Yeah.

01:42:01.700 There is this whole, I think, yeah, I think it's just, I wonder what the long-term psychological

01:42:05.480 effects of that are.

01:42:06.680 Yeah.

01:42:06.880 Of that FOMO, you know, that thing where you constantly see things that you could be

01:42:11.480 doing, you know, that people you know are doing and they always appear to be joyful.

01:42:16.540 Yeah.

01:42:16.920 I can only imagine the long-term psychological effects that aren't really good.

01:42:19.880 Because what are we supposed to do?

01:42:20.840 You can't beat all those things.

01:42:22.020 Yeah.

01:42:22.340 It's impossible, man.

01:42:23.260 Like I have to like coach my brain all the time.

01:42:24.860 Like you don't have to be jealous of these people.

01:42:26.360 They're your friends.

01:42:26.880 You should be happy for them.

01:42:27.960 Relax.

01:42:28.360 Oh yeah.

01:42:28.800 You know, like that whole comic thing where you see someone do like something and you're

01:42:32.180 like, oh, I should have that.

01:42:33.320 I got to do that too.

01:42:34.020 Well, why did I think about me?

01:42:35.280 Why couldn't I just say, hey, good for that?

01:42:36.880 You know, what about this is the last thing I want to think about real quick is do you

01:42:41.820 see, I see a lot of these commercials and it's like, let's go, thank you to our first

01:42:45.700 responders.

01:42:46.460 Thank you to our, you know, our frontline workers and stuff like that.

01:42:52.300 But then sometimes at a certain point I'm seeing like even friends of mine put up videos

01:42:56.040 like we took all this food to the hospital and literally on the video you could see the

01:42:59.380 hospital is inundated with food.

01:43:02.660 Like, and they're like every day we get this every day and it's like, and I'm not saying

01:43:06.960 it's not good.

01:43:07.600 I'm not saying we shouldn't always do nice things for other people, but sometimes it just

01:43:11.560 starts to feel like who, what is all this?

01:43:15.080 It's not like it's the military, you know, there's like tons of people out in the street

01:43:18.640 and you have to, half the hospitals are empty.

01:43:21.220 I'm like, what are they, I understand if you're buying lunch and doing something nice for these

01:43:24.860 people, but most of the frontline workers, it seems like are like Postmates or people

01:43:30.580 that are, you know, Amazon, US mail.

01:43:33.640 I agree with that.

01:43:34.440 Pizza, pizza delivery people, like maybe not now as much as when this first started, when

01:43:38.380 we went in like real scary lockdown where like people are just a mystery of not knowing.

01:43:42.060 Pizza people were like, pizza delivery guys were like saving people's lives.

01:43:44.780 Oh yeah.

01:43:45.200 Like the Postman, like that movie, The Postman.

01:43:47.020 There's lots of people with, I'm like, are you Kevin Costner?

01:43:49.460 And the guy was like, nah, dude, I'm Hector.

01:43:52.680 And they're risking their lives coming to people's houses.

01:43:55.020 I mean, at that time we didn't know.

01:43:56.540 And they're just giving people that have no groceries or anything like that.

01:43:59.640 I don't know.

01:44:00.120 I think that's, I think it's heroic.

01:44:01.620 Yeah.

01:44:02.060 But not now.

01:44:03.300 Yeah.

01:44:03.480 Well, sometimes it just seems like, I guess sometimes you just see people, it just seems

01:44:07.000 like a thing like, look at me being kind.

01:44:11.020 Oh, I agree with that.

01:44:11.180 But I guess that's okay.

01:44:12.100 I guess you're just creating kindness, so.

01:44:14.060 I don't think, no, I don't think, I don't think you're wrong.

01:44:16.200 It does feel weird to boast about it.

01:44:17.720 Like, look, we made a hundred of these masks and we're going to go drop them off today.

01:44:21.920 It's like kind of this braggadocious kind of, look how good we are.

01:44:25.900 But it's them just staying busy.

01:44:27.320 Yeah.

01:44:27.800 And also, I think there's a lot of positive, but I see what you're saying.

01:44:30.780 One time I was with a group and we were in.

01:44:32.820 People can't just do a nice thing anymore.

01:44:34.260 They got to get the credit for it.

01:44:35.740 Yeah.

01:44:35.980 It's tough.

01:44:36.440 It's just a human thing, I think, that we're like that.

01:44:41.140 I was in Barbados one time and we had a group and we're taking, they're like, let's take

01:44:44.340 a day and take toothbrushes over to this youth facility where they don't have them, you know?

01:44:50.360 That's nice. 0.99

01:44:50.860 So we took them over there and the kids didn't give a fuck. 0.99

01:44:54.300 They all had iPhones and shit. 0.99

01:44:55.720 Oh, that's hilarious. 1.00

01:44:56.420 Like, we have fucking toothbrushes, dude. 1.00

01:44:57.300 We don't give a fuck, bro. 1.00

01:44:58.860 That's really, really funny. 1.00

01:45:02.240 Then I just felt like a fucking idiot. 1.00

01:45:04.340 I guess we should have brought iPads or something. 0.99

01:45:06.040 I don't know what, that's really funny. 0.99

01:45:08.720 Some guy's literally putting me on his Snapchat like, look at these motherfuckers, dude. 0.99

01:45:12.640 Thinking we don't brush our teeth. 1.00

01:45:13.920 These buster pussies brought us toothbrushes, man. 1.00

01:45:16.520 Too much. 0.99

01:45:17.480 You should have brought Sonicars.

01:45:18.860 Yeah.

01:45:19.360 That's what I said it on. 1.00

01:45:20.040 That was a real piece of shit. 0.99

01:45:22.320 Jeff Dye, thanks so much for being here. 1.00

01:45:24.160 I'm happy, dude.

01:45:24.700 Where can people check you out at, man?

01:45:26.600 All things at Jeff Dye.

01:45:28.120 Just the big, whirly, A, you know, at, and then Jeff Dye.

01:45:31.740 J-E-F-F-D-Y-E. 1.00

01:45:33.800 Where are you performing next?

01:45:35.000 Do you have a spot yet?

01:45:35.740 I'm doing LOL Comedy Club in San Antonio next.

01:45:38.140 Nice.

01:45:38.480 I think next weekend.

01:45:39.400 I love San Antonio.

01:45:40.380 Yeah, I'm excited.

01:45:41.140 It's going to be fun.

01:45:41.740 Hopefully by then some of the bars will be a little bit more open and stuff like that.

01:45:44.840 That's what I'm hoping that this is, I don't know.

01:45:47.240 Loosening things up.

01:45:48.140 That's what I'm hoping.

01:45:48.800 But, I mean, maybe not.

01:45:49.600 Maybe we'll go back.

01:45:50.100 I'm also going to do some virtual shows in between just to make some money just so I can start working

01:45:54.620 on some stuff.

01:45:55.220 Yeah.

01:45:55.880 I also have a podcast called Jeff Dye's Friendship Podcast.

01:45:58.380 Oh, yeah.

01:45:58.580 That's right.

01:45:59.240 Is this on All Things Comedy?

01:46:00.000 You tape tonight, Monday night, don't you?

01:46:01.420 Yeah.

01:46:01.800 Well, usually I have a bunch backlogged.

01:46:03.480 Oh, nice.

01:46:03.880 Yeah, which are great.

01:46:04.700 It's a good feeling.

01:46:05.180 But the, yeah, that's been really fun because I get to do stuff like this.

01:46:09.040 Yeah, I was watching some clips yesterday of it.

01:46:11.220 It's fun.

01:46:11.700 I'm trying to think.

01:46:12.320 I can't remember what interview it was.

01:46:13.840 Because there's some people that they're not going to just come hang out with you.

01:46:17.780 But, like, if you have them for an hour, they'll sit down and say, yeah.

01:46:21.240 Like, Brian Kiley's got, like, a wife and kids.

01:46:22.840 He's, like, a grown man.

01:46:23.700 He can't tell his wife, I'm going to go have a beer with Jeff Dye.

01:46:26.640 Yeah.

01:46:27.140 She's going to be like, what?

01:46:27.880 But if he's like, no, we're going to go record a podcast.

01:46:29.780 Like, he's like, yeah.

01:46:30.600 Then I have an hour with Brian Kiley.

01:46:32.000 It really is kind of a unique way that guys get out of the house.

01:46:34.820 Yeah.

01:46:35.420 Or make friends with people.

01:46:36.480 That's why I call it the Friendship Podcast.

01:46:38.040 Because, like, you literally get to, like, just say, hey, I admire what you're doing.

01:46:41.340 I read your book.

01:46:42.120 That's great.

01:46:42.980 You want to come be on my podcast?

01:46:44.380 So it's, like, a productive way of having a hang.

01:46:46.260 Yeah.

01:46:46.720 I love it.

01:46:47.220 I love it.

01:46:47.780 And I love that you had me on.

01:46:48.620 So thank you.

01:46:49.020 Oh, gang, man.

01:46:49.600 Thanks for coming through.

01:46:50.260 Jeff Dye, ladies and gentlemen.

01:46:51.080 I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

01:46:54.600 I must be cornerstone.

01:46:59.840 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind.

01:47:04.640 I found I can feel it.

01:47:06.480 In my bones

01:47:08.700 But it's gonna take

01:47:11.620 A little time

01:47:14.360 For me to set that parking brake

01:47:18.220 And let myself unwind

01:47:20.980 Shine that light on me

01:47:24.980 I'll sit and tell you my stories

01:47:30.920 Shine on me

01:47:35.620 And I will find a song

01:47:39.880 I will sing it

01:47:41.420 Just for me

01:47:43.500 And now I've been moving way too fast

01:47:50.840 On the runaway train

01:47:52.220 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite

01:47:59.800 And welcome to Kite Club

01:48:01.140 A podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events

01:48:04.780 Stand-up stories

01:48:06.020 And seven ways to pleasure your partner

01:48:08.340 The answer may shock you

01:48:10.240 Sometimes I'll interview my friends

01:48:12.260 Sometimes I won't

01:48:13.580 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head

01:48:17.080 You have three new voice messages

01:48:19.960 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club

01:48:22.960 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long

01:48:25.760 Longer than anybody else

01:48:27.380 So great

01:48:28.180 I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me

01:48:47.560 Anyway

01:48:48.000 First rule of Kite Club is

01:48:49.960 Tell everyone about Kite Club

01:48:51.680 Second rule of Kite Club is

01:48:53.600 Tell everyone about Kite Club

01:48:55.860 Third rule

01:48:56.620 Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts

01:48:59.260 Or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

01:49:01.880 And yes, don't worry

01:49:02.920 My Brad Pitt impression will get better

01:49:04.960 Thanks for listening to Kite Club

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - May 18, 2020

E278 Back from the Road： Brad Williams & Jeff Dye

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