This Past Weekend with Theo Von

00:00:00.200 Today's episode is brought to you by Magic Mind.

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00:00:09.760 And you can drink it, you can devour it.

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00:00:31.020 Today's episode features a beautiful man.

00:00:33.920 And this is a comedy man.

00:00:35.480 And he's got so many big things happening in his life.

00:00:38.400 I think I'm just amazed we're even able to have him in here today.

00:00:42.780 And he's a man of comedy and you know him from Netflix and television.

00:00:46.780 Ladies and gentlemen, my friend, Mr. Joe Coy.

00:00:56.980 I've been dating a girl on and off for a couple years.

00:01:25.540 And then now I think we're not dating.

00:01:27.120 So I'm just chilling.

00:01:28.240 So are you in your head a lot?

00:01:29.360 Like, do you hear words underneath sentences?

00:01:31.860 Or do you like, it's kind of like paranoia because we're in a certain position now.

00:01:36.640 Does that make sense?

00:01:38.040 Like, what do you mean?

00:01:39.060 Like, okay.

00:01:39.640 Like, I know, I know that I, like I make a certain amount of money.

00:01:45.080 I know a lot of people.

00:01:47.200 You know what I mean?

00:01:47.780 Like, we're not looked at the same way.

00:01:50.760 This is going to sound so arrogant.

00:01:52.100 I don't want to sound, come across arrogant.

00:01:54.320 I don't think you could sound arrogant though.

00:01:55.860 I think some people could sound arrogant.

00:01:57.700 I don't think it's something that you could do.

00:02:00.240 So I think no matter what you say, it's coming from a place where it's like, okay, I'm just

00:02:03.640 trying to share what I'm feeling.

00:02:05.080 That's how I feel.

00:02:06.060 So it hinders my dating life.

00:02:08.620 Really?

00:02:09.260 Yeah, man.

00:02:10.180 And I, and I hate it because I, my trust is so it's, I've been burned a lot by, you know,

00:02:17.000 by people I've dated.

00:02:18.660 And then, and then, and just like my trust is just so bad.

00:02:21.880 Like, what are you in this for?

00:02:23.740 Why are you with me?

00:02:25.020 Why?

00:02:25.460 Like, there's only one person I really trust.

00:02:27.320 And that's my son's mom.

00:02:29.220 She was with me when I had fucked up teeth, when I was working at Nordstrom Rack and Borders

00:02:34.880 books, doing coke, working at.

00:02:38.920 Uh, some Marina Del Rey cleaning yachts and then running over to Laugh Factory and doing

00:02:44.060 stage time.

00:02:44.800 So she was there.

00:02:46.000 Yeah.

00:02:46.600 I trust her.

00:02:47.980 I don't trust anyone that came after this.

00:02:50.740 That's wild.

00:02:51.500 It sucks, man.

00:02:51.640 It really sucks.

00:02:52.400 Do you, sometimes I, do you feel bad for not like committing to the, to the mom?

00:02:59.320 Oh, to the mom?

00:03:01.100 No, I think we both have like a great understanding.

00:03:03.520 Man, we're, if anyone gets a divorce, her and I should write a book because we are the

00:03:08.640 greatest divorce couple of all time.

00:03:11.040 If my mom and dad could have just done what we did, I mean, we'd have a great life right

00:03:17.040 now.

00:03:17.260 Like I, like maybe I wouldn't be so PTSD about my, my childhood.

00:03:21.960 You know what I mean?

00:03:22.460 Yeah.

00:03:22.740 I wouldn't be so holding on to certain feelings that I've had, you know, with my mom and my

00:03:27.480 dad, you know?

00:03:28.700 Yeah.

00:03:29.100 It's damaging, man.

00:03:29.900 Like those relationships.

00:03:30.760 And then you start to exhibit the same relation, you, you, you exude and, and, and do the same

00:03:37.160 practices that were done to you.

00:03:38.540 And I was starting to Theo, when we first divorced, I was, I was being that guy, you know, I'll make

00:03:45.940 it hard for this bitch.

00:03:47.300 Oh yeah.

00:03:47.680 Yeah.

00:03:48.020 Why?

00:03:48.280 Yeah.

00:03:48.700 Struggle bitch.

00:03:49.740 Oh yeah.

00:03:50.320 I was like, I remember my mom's like, you remember how you felt when, ah shit.

00:03:54.560 I don't want to put that out there, but you know, I love my dad, you know what I mean?

00:03:57.800 But they, they were going through a time and I didn't see my dad and, um, and, and I don't

00:04:03.640 ever want my son to feel that feeling of the dad, not around and being a phone dad.

00:04:10.400 Happy birthday, son.

00:04:11.180 Like that fucking hurts, man.

00:04:13.060 Yeah.

00:04:13.500 And, um, and I see it with you.

00:04:15.000 That's why I, I don't know what I, you know, I, I don't dig into you, but when you do your,

00:04:19.840 like your single mom shows, that comes from a place, right?

00:04:23.560 Like, is it cause your mom was single?

00:04:25.320 Yeah.

00:04:25.540 My mom was single.

00:04:26.280 I think, yeah, I think sometimes, you know, we just sent some money out to some single

00:04:29.680 moms.

00:04:30.000 We'll like every now and then just write out some check, just nothing crazy.

00:04:32.680 A couple hundred bucks.

00:04:33.480 Just, you know, but that's so dope.

00:04:34.840 But we have like a little group that we kind of try to add to over the time.

00:04:38.360 But it's funny cause I was thinking the other day, like, why do we do like what?

00:04:41.700 And I think it's just like, I think cause I, I wish maybe somebody had like given my mom

00:04:47.400 some extra money to do something or, and not that these women even need it.

00:04:50.740 They might all be rich.

00:04:51.480 I have no idea.

00:04:52.220 But, um, but you're also setting a trend and starting something new.

00:04:56.640 Like as long as you can plant the seed, as long as like, you know, you have a beautiful

00:05:00.700 platform and you speak to a lot of people, a lot of kids too.

00:05:03.880 And if they see something like that, that's inspirational that, that teaches them not to,

00:05:09.000 you know, Oh, Theo did it.

00:05:10.120 I'm going to do it.

00:05:10.800 And that's, that's something I didn't have.

00:05:12.540 I don't know how old you are.

00:05:13.800 I'm older than you.

00:05:14.580 I'm 40 years old.

00:05:14.940 So I'm older than you.

00:05:15.860 Not by much, but, but enough to like during my time, I think divorce was new.

00:05:22.280 Oh wow.

00:05:22.960 You know what I mean?

00:05:23.540 I think divorce was new.

00:05:25.040 And was there shame with divorce then?

00:05:26.620 Yeah.

00:05:26.940 Like there was, that's when all the divorce courts started coming out and all the divorce

00:05:30.800 shows were coming out and, you know what I mean?

00:05:32.940 It was all new for everybody, you know?

00:05:34.700 And, and, and, and, you know, I don't, I don't, I don't get mad at my dad.

00:05:39.240 I, I, you know, I tell my dad, I love you so much all the time, but, um, I also tell

00:05:44.720 him I understand.

00:05:45.760 Yeah.

00:05:46.160 You know what I mean?

00:05:46.800 Like it was a different time.

00:05:48.000 Yeah.

00:05:48.140 It was a different time.

00:05:49.280 It was like their, their role models were like, had like drove like, um, Ford LTDs or

00:05:54.620 whatever.

00:05:55.100 Yeah.

00:05:55.420 They had a pistol.

00:05:56.380 Yeah.

00:05:56.800 Six shooters.

00:05:57.500 Yeah.

00:05:57.880 Six shooters with old bullets.

00:05:59.540 It was different.

00:06:00.140 Yeah.

00:06:00.460 It was a different time.

00:06:01.600 They always went off cause there was no safety.

00:06:03.200 You know what I mean?

00:06:04.280 No safety.

00:06:05.220 Cause that guy, right?

00:06:07.280 They always had uncles that told dirty jokes.

00:06:09.380 Oh, it was disgusting.

00:06:10.380 But there were dirty jokes that they got from a book.

00:06:12.540 Yeah.

00:06:12.960 Remember there was a book they used to sell.

00:06:14.360 It was like, I, they, they used to have like the worst dirty books.

00:06:17.860 I remember going there as a kid and say, do you, do you know what I'm talking about?

00:06:21.180 I don't remember that.

00:06:22.240 I remember.

00:06:22.700 I'm like truly tasteless books.

00:06:24.380 Please look it up, Nick.

00:06:25.780 Look it up, Nick.

00:06:26.880 When I was a kid.

00:06:27.840 Thanks bud.

00:06:28.180 I remember a kid came to the school and this thing called the truly tasteless.

00:06:32.380 Oh, joke.

00:06:33.660 And was he hiding it from the adult?

00:06:35.080 Oh, it was.

00:06:35.640 Yeah.

00:06:36.060 It was, it was, it was like a satanic book.

00:06:38.820 You know what I mean?

00:06:39.280 And we all gathered around during lunch and we all pulled it out and just died, died laughing.

00:06:45.500 The most crudest, nastiest things you could ever read.

00:06:49.120 We used to have a fella.

00:06:50.180 We used to pay to had a dude who you'd pay him a couple of dollars and he would draw you

00:06:53.440 a piece of little crotch at recess.

00:06:56.440 This dude, Nick, bro.

00:06:57.800 I mean, was it Nick was his name?

00:06:59.500 What was his name, Nick?

00:07:00.440 And Nick was the rapper.

00:07:03.940 I don't remember this guy's name.

00:07:05.540 That's it.

00:07:05.680 But yeah, man, for a couple of dollars, he sketched you out a beautiful piece of ass.

00:07:08.860 And it just looked like it, huh?

00:07:10.840 Bro, and if you had one of those, you were good for the weekend, you know?

00:07:13.800 You were, if you had a couple of dollars to get you a little sketch, bro.

00:07:17.300 Yes, man.

00:07:17.820 And I remember I used to bike across town to go, they had this man and he, he had a family.

00:07:26.000 Yeah.

00:07:26.340 And I would go over to his house and I was like buddies with his son and they had pornography

00:07:32.240 up under the sink.

00:07:33.460 Yeah.

00:07:33.940 That's where it was.

00:07:34.660 Oh, and I'd bike five miles over to their house on the weekend.

00:07:38.080 Who did it?

00:07:38.480 To go to the bathroom to pretend I was pooping for like an hour.

00:07:42.220 Oh, and it was massive, right?

00:07:43.460 It was a massive poop, but you didn't even poop?

00:07:45.480 Yeah, dude.

00:07:46.460 And I'm just in there just jerking off and feeling sorry about myself.

00:07:51.460 Then I had to come out of the bathroom and pretend to be friends with their son for a while.

00:07:55.680 Yeah.

00:07:55.860 And then you also had to let your semi go down.

00:07:58.320 Oh.

00:07:58.980 Because just because you're done, it doesn't, it's not, it doesn't go back to its resting place.

00:08:03.840 Uh-uh.

00:08:04.500 It still has a lot of energy, a little life.

00:08:07.440 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:08:08.320 You're still kind of excited too.

00:08:09.720 You think you could probably do it again.

00:08:11.340 Oh, yeah, you're ready.

00:08:12.280 Like I'm just, yeah, I'm just waiting.

00:08:13.680 I'm like building up steam to get back in there, you know?

00:08:17.440 My friend's dad had a stack of magazines in his bathroom and I always wanted to use his

00:08:23.120 dad's bathroom.

00:08:24.300 Yeah.

00:08:24.540 It was on top of the, you know, the tank and it was like Sports Illustrated, Sports Illustrated

00:08:29.000 and then another magazine, Mechanics, Popular Mechanics and then, and then the goodies.

00:08:33.480 Tits only.

00:08:34.360 Oh, yeah.

00:08:35.620 Jugs.

00:08:36.140 Oh.

00:08:36.820 Jugs.

00:08:37.580 Yeah.

00:08:38.120 And he just had to use, he had to remember what magazine was on top.

00:08:40.860 Yes.

00:08:41.300 Remember all that?

00:08:42.220 You had to pull it out slowly.

00:08:43.780 Be careful.

00:08:44.240 Don't bend any pages.

00:08:45.440 Uh-uh.

00:08:46.080 Set it down on the ground.

00:08:47.720 Set it down.

00:08:48.800 Ugh.

00:08:49.220 Don't get it wet.

00:08:50.460 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:08:51.100 Don't get it wet.

00:08:53.800 Bro, all of the, and your favorite, and the dad wouldn't have noticed any of that probably

00:08:58.100 unless it was on top.

00:08:59.160 As long as you didn't put it back on top.

00:09:00.300 Oh, if you put it on top, it's done.

00:09:02.140 Ugh.

00:09:02.820 The whole mission is done.

00:09:04.940 Then you blame it on your friend.

00:09:06.340 Your friend did it.

00:09:07.080 Yeah.

00:09:07.520 He did it.

00:09:08.240 And then the dad's like, oh, my son is a piece of shit.

00:09:11.060 Yeah.

00:09:11.940 Your son is.

00:09:12.920 Yeah.

00:09:13.240 Because I had no idea about these magazines.

00:09:14.940 Which ones?

00:09:16.240 Jugs.

00:09:17.300 What is it about?

00:09:17.820 Milk?

00:09:18.520 Yeah.

00:09:18.760 What is it about?

00:09:19.140 Shopping?

00:09:19.460 Is it about gallons of milk?

00:09:20.120 Is it Instacart?

00:09:21.140 What?

00:09:21.740 What are you talking about?

00:09:22.900 I cleaned my son's bed.

00:09:24.740 I had to throw his bed away.

00:09:25.880 He's had this bed.

00:09:27.460 By the way, Theo, you don't have kids, right?

00:09:28.880 No, I don't have any kids, man.

00:09:29.860 I would like to have a kid, though.

00:09:31.040 I'm putting that out there, man.

00:09:32.900 Nice.

00:09:33.480 You're going to love it, by the way.

00:09:34.500 Really?

00:09:34.980 Oh, it's the greatest thing in the world is having a kid.

00:09:38.300 The saddest part is when they get old or older, they want to throw things away.

00:09:44.920 And it's like you're throwing your heart in the garbage.

00:09:48.260 So my son wanted to rearrange his room.

00:09:50.660 He's had this room.

00:09:52.180 There's Michael Jordan stuff everywhere.

00:09:54.820 It's from six to whatever.

00:09:58.760 He's got all these things that I bought, and now it's just in the way, because now he's

00:10:02.820 into making beats, so he wants to clear.

00:10:04.600 Yeah, you want that fang sweat.

00:10:06.360 Yeah, man.

00:10:07.160 And I'm telling you, I was crying on the inside, but I'm not showing him any emotion.

00:10:12.100 I'm just like, yeah, throw it.

00:10:13.400 Yep.

00:10:14.060 Yeah.

00:10:14.360 Let's get that out, man.

00:10:15.600 Yeah, get that out of here, man.

00:10:16.440 Let's fucking get, yeah.

00:10:17.340 Yeah, let's get you a chair.

00:10:19.840 Yeah.

00:10:20.180 Yeah.

00:10:20.960 But I'm crying.

00:10:22.080 It kills me, bro.

00:10:23.660 But anyways, so I bought him this, what is it called?

00:10:27.780 Tempur-Pedic mattress bed?

00:10:28.900 Whatever it's called, right?

00:10:29.860 Oh, yeah, that's nice there.

00:10:30.300 But it's a sofa bed.

00:10:32.620 So it looks like a red sofa, but when you open, it's Tempur-Pedic.

00:10:36.040 It's an amazing hideaway couch.

00:10:39.020 Yeah, I've never seen anything like that.

00:10:40.320 It's amazing.

00:10:41.260 When you lay on it, it doesn't feel like one of those regular couch beds.

00:10:44.760 It feels like a bed.

00:10:46.180 He's had it forever, but my son's sick of it, right?

00:10:48.940 He wants it out.

00:10:50.220 So we got rid of it.

00:10:51.360 Damn.

00:10:51.660 Bro, the mayhem that's underneath this bed.

00:10:57.840 Because there was no way you could move this.

00:10:59.180 It was so massive.

00:11:00.340 When we finally got the guys to move it, and we all looked at the ground, and I'm like,

00:11:04.260 Joe.

00:11:04.740 Like a time capsule.

00:11:05.720 Bro.

00:11:07.120 What was it?

00:11:07.760 Like all kind of-

00:11:08.160 It was socks.

00:11:09.400 Ugh.

00:11:10.000 It was-

00:11:11.040 Did it feel semen?

00:11:12.240 Kleenex.

00:11:12.740 Did it have a semenish vibe?

00:11:14.040 Everything.

00:11:14.400 Everything was a DNA episode.

00:11:17.580 Everything was like a-

00:11:18.840 What was that?

00:11:19.680 CSI.

00:11:20.160 A CSI episode.

00:11:21.780 It was just everywhere.

00:11:23.580 I took pictures of it, video.

00:11:25.580 Drew a chalk outliner on each sock.

00:11:27.180 Oh, each sock.

00:11:28.220 Yeah.

00:11:28.680 Just billions dead.

00:11:29.900 Yeah.

00:11:30.340 Murder.

00:11:30.860 This is a mass murder.

00:11:31.860 Dude, I can't believe, and this is something that's probably obtuse, but something that's

00:11:36.940 coming soon is that, think of all of the value, the nutritional and value that it's

00:11:44.000 in semen, if you really think about it.

00:11:45.640 Yeah, no shit.

00:11:46.840 And people are just-

00:11:47.900 Just tossing it.

00:11:49.020 Dude.

00:11:49.660 Bro, it's so much-

00:11:50.720 People toss it and then go have some fucking ruffles.

00:11:52.460 You know what I'm saying?

00:11:53.320 Like the total opposite.

00:11:56.320 Some dude's just-

00:11:57.220 Bro, you have, you actually have the-

00:12:00.860 You actually have the ingredients to make a human, and you fucking throw it on the floor

00:12:07.600 and just grab a drumstick, and you're trying to get the chocolate from the bottom of the

00:12:12.380 cone.

00:12:12.900 You still have a little semen on your hair.

00:12:14.160 Oh, yeah.

00:12:16.920 Praise God, brother.

00:12:18.780 What are we?

00:12:20.280 Monsters.

00:12:21.420 And we don't give a shit, bro.

00:12:22.960 No.

00:12:24.560 Oh, dude, they had this big guy who used to jerk off, and he'd bring it on the bus and

00:12:28.760 throw it at the kids when the bus went by.

00:12:30.380 No, we didn't.

00:12:30.940 Yeah.

00:12:31.820 This big red fella, this big ginger guy.

00:12:34.580 You know, sometimes your stories are so fast.

00:12:39.040 Yeah.

00:12:39.460 And so, there's so much detail that, like, people don't know if you're lying or not.

00:12:46.620 Well, I'm not lying, man.

00:12:47.420 I'll tell you about this.

00:12:47.960 Are you telling the truth all the time?

00:12:49.640 I'm telling the truth probably 95% of the time and 92%.

00:12:52.600 These are amazing stories.

00:12:54.020 Dude, and this handicapped kid would always try to catch it from him all the time, which

00:12:57.280 is the craziest part.

00:12:58.260 See, I don't know if that's the embellishment.

00:13:00.280 Uh-uh.

00:13:00.700 It's real?

00:13:01.700 Dude, this kid, they used to call him.

00:13:02.840 What was the handicapped kid's name?

00:13:04.040 They, I don't know his full name, but his nickname was Thundercat, TJ.

00:13:08.700 Thundercat Johnson, dude.

00:13:09.880 And they-

00:13:10.300 And he would try to catch semen out of the air.

00:13:12.200 He didn't know it was semen.

00:13:13.160 He just-

00:13:14.040 Thought it was candy.

00:13:14.780 Thought it was a buddy.

00:13:15.560 He thought it was a parade.

00:13:16.420 He would pretend like there were bands coming.

00:13:19.100 He was out there, man.

00:13:19.940 He was-

00:13:20.220 So the red guy would jerk off in his hand, toss it, and then in super slow-mo, Thundercat-

00:13:27.720 Oh, yeah.

00:13:28.460 Would just-

00:13:29.420 And he had a really-

00:13:30.180 Chariots of fire music.

00:13:31.380 He had that Chris Carter on him.

00:13:32.480 He had some hands on him.

00:13:33.200 I will say that.

00:13:34.680 And sometimes he would grab some.

00:13:36.200 He would grab some.

00:13:37.720 He'd catch enough.

00:13:38.580 I'll tell you that.

00:13:40.040 He'd catch enough to probably feel good about himself.

00:13:42.220 Yeah.

00:13:42.960 But that's the crazy thing.

00:13:44.000 You know, it's like, you know, one man's trash is another man's treasure, or whatever

00:13:48.920 they say.

00:13:49.540 Yeah, yeah.

00:13:50.020 And that's good product right there.

00:13:52.460 But think about the fact that we're just, like, you know, people are going to the store

00:13:57.200 and getting all of this macadamia and oyster, you know, cream for your-

00:14:01.920 And all of it.

00:14:02.620 And everybody's just-

00:14:03.680 Meanwhile, there are three kids in the back of the house are just blowing through the

00:14:07.980 best salve that God ever made, you know?

00:14:10.280 This will get rid of wrinkles.

00:14:12.320 You know what's crazy?

00:14:13.140 I was watching something on Ellen.

00:14:14.220 It's gross, but I feel like we're almost there.

00:14:16.180 No, I was watching something on Ellen, and Sandra Bullock was on, and she-

00:14:20.360 And Ellen was like, why don't you tell the people why your face is so beautiful and tight?

00:14:25.480 And then they said it was from, like, kids-

00:14:30.060 No, the circumcision.

00:14:32.660 Oh, that brisk meat.

00:14:33.660 They said that that's inside the makeup that she uses.

00:14:40.400 What?

00:14:41.720 And that's why we're going to hell, man.

00:14:44.160 That's-

00:14:44.640 Are you kidding me?

00:14:46.040 Oh.

00:14:47.620 That hurts me.

00:14:48.680 That-

00:14:49.120 That hurts me, man.

00:14:51.960 Thinking about that, they're cutting it off of people, sometimes adults, too.

00:14:55.140 That means there's a back-end business to the snipping.

00:14:57.940 Like, he's like, you know, this is good for your kid, and, you know, this will be cleaner

00:15:01.760 for that area, so I'll cut it off for this much, and then he charges them, and then when

00:15:05.440 he gets in his hand, he runs through the back door, he's like, I got two.

00:15:07.560 Yeah.

00:15:07.900 I got two.

00:15:08.780 I got two.

00:15:09.440 Like, he's selling tickets to a game.

00:15:11.020 Yeah, I got two of these.

00:15:11.960 I got two O-rings.

00:15:13.300 Who needs two?

00:15:14.160 Who needs two O-rings?

00:15:15.540 Who needs two of that frickin'-

00:15:16.660 Look at that.

00:15:17.040 Who wants that nine-month calamari, huh?

00:15:19.680 Extraction from a piece of skin that came from-

00:15:26.960 They're doing it to the south so they don't get ripped off.

00:15:29.840 Far, far away, and they somehow figured out how to extract-

00:15:33.360 It's foreskin from a Korean baby.

00:15:35.600 It's like-

00:15:36.200 There you go.

00:15:37.480 And you know what's the saddest?

00:15:38.820 Yo, what?

00:15:40.020 And they're saying it nonchalant.

00:15:41.860 Like, what?

00:15:42.820 And I'll ask you, since you're closer to this, really, element, is,

00:15:46.080 why would Koreans be more likely to give it up?

00:15:50.580 Why is that?

00:15:53.160 My best friend was Korean.

00:15:55.240 He wasn't circumcised.

00:15:56.660 I don't know why I just told you that.

00:15:59.040 Maybe he didn't want to sell it.

00:16:00.260 And he passed away?

00:16:02.080 No, not him.

00:16:03.480 He's still alive, but his brother did.

00:16:04.700 How'd you know that?

00:16:06.180 I don't know, man.

00:16:07.080 How did you know that?

00:16:08.080 You sounded like he passed away when you first started talking.

00:16:10.560 Oh, no, no.

00:16:11.380 He just held on to his meat.

00:16:14.480 Yeah, I wonder why.

00:16:18.840 I wonder why that they went Korean.

00:16:23.820 How do you get that?

00:16:24.780 Why did they go Korean?

00:16:25.900 I'll tell you this.

00:16:26.480 A brother ain't giving it up.

00:16:28.700 That's out the gate, dude.

00:16:29.820 You tell a brother we're going to carve a little bit of your meat off, bro.

00:16:32.680 And they're the ones who can spare it.

00:16:34.400 Yeah.

00:16:35.200 Meanwhile, they're hitting up a Korean guy who's got the frickin' 11th pinky out here.

00:16:40.720 And they fuckin' choppin' off 30% on him, bro.

00:16:44.500 Damn.

00:16:45.380 You're gonna cut that thing off.

00:16:46.380 I'm gonna make cufflinks out of it.

00:16:47.840 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:16:48.760 Right here.

00:16:49.780 We goin' out to you, honey?

00:16:51.140 Yeah, that's the move.

00:16:53.400 Those are nice cufflinks.

00:16:54.800 What is that?

00:16:55.140 That's me.

00:16:56.120 Yeah, that's me.

00:16:56.940 That's me.

00:16:57.500 Make your face nice and tight.

00:16:59.800 Keep you young, bitch.

00:17:01.200 Oh, yeah.

00:17:02.520 Let's keep...

00:17:03.020 We got a question right here from a beautiful couple right here.

00:17:04.980 Let's hear what they have to say.

00:17:05.800 Yo, from one Cajun-Asian couple to another, you and Joe, what do y'all, what Asian type

00:17:22.940 do you think is the sexiest?

00:17:26.240 Same time.

00:17:28.040 Gang, gang, buzz, buzz.

00:17:29.760 Wow, gang.

00:17:30.780 Let me think about that.

00:17:31.880 What type is the sexiest?

00:17:33.300 And you're Pinoy.

00:17:34.140 You're full Pinoy, aren't you?

00:17:34.920 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:17:35.440 Well, no, I'm half.

00:17:36.500 Okay.

00:17:36.960 Half white, half Filipino.

00:17:38.380 Praise God.

00:17:38.960 Praise God.

00:17:41.880 Yeah, I'm biased, man.

00:17:43.720 I'm gonna have to say Filipino.

00:17:45.100 Yeah.

00:17:45.580 My son's mommy was Filipino.

00:17:48.560 Yeah.

00:17:49.060 Yeah, you gotta say that.

00:17:50.040 You don't have a choice.

00:17:50.340 I like the mix, too.

00:17:51.460 I like the mixed babies.

00:17:52.860 So I like a little bit of white with a little Filipino.

00:17:56.460 Yeah.

00:17:56.840 I like that.

00:17:57.680 Oh, yeah.

00:17:58.100 I like an Asian with a hazel eye.

00:18:00.260 It's like, wow.

00:18:01.060 Yeah.

00:18:01.320 How did that happen?

00:18:01.820 Like a teriyaki salmon.

00:18:03.120 Yeah.

00:18:03.800 That's good, right?

00:18:04.720 Oh, I think so.

00:18:05.700 Yeah.

00:18:05.980 It's from like Alaska, but it's Japanese.

00:18:08.220 Yeah.

00:18:08.620 I like that.

00:18:09.280 Japanese-Alaskan.

00:18:10.800 That's good shit, right?

00:18:12.220 Yeah.

00:18:12.400 It's like when you see a white guy doing the limbo, you know?

00:18:15.300 Yeah.

00:18:15.700 And he's good.

00:18:17.140 Like his toes moving forward.

00:18:18.940 Like, where did you learn that, sir?

00:18:22.000 Don't worry about it, man.

00:18:23.220 It was a cruise.

00:18:24.260 It was a cruise.

00:18:25.460 Don't tell your mother.

00:18:26.660 Don't tell your mama.

00:18:27.600 Dude, there's something about the white dad that crushes the luau that just saves the family.

00:18:35.020 Yeah.

00:18:35.820 And he gets like free pineapple or whatever for the whole table.

00:18:40.660 Ugh.

00:18:41.460 And he's a king, dude.

00:18:42.600 Yeah.

00:18:43.640 He's a king.

00:18:43.940 But he was like, it wasn't good, but it was so funny.

00:18:47.100 Yeah, but it was good enough for them.

00:18:48.360 And he doesn't know any better.

00:18:49.340 He doesn't know.

00:18:50.000 And they got pictures.

00:18:50.960 Yeah.

00:18:51.880 There's something beautiful.

00:18:52.320 Do we all remember that?

00:18:53.680 Oh, I remember going to the beach, man.

00:18:55.440 And we got, and you know, we'd go out during, we'd steal some liquor during the day and go

00:18:59.760 bury it in the sand and then go get it back at night like, you know, like turtles do.

00:19:04.340 Yeah.

00:19:05.060 And so then we'd dig it up at night and go drink it.

00:19:08.940 And then we'd meet up with strangers on the beach, strange women.

00:19:12.320 God, dude.

00:19:12.580 I met this girl that was in the Wiccan one time, witchcraftery.

00:19:15.280 What the fuck?

00:19:16.160 And me and this-

00:19:16.580 She wasn't into it.

00:19:17.380 She was in it.

00:19:18.040 She was doing it.

00:19:19.120 She was literally walking on the beach in the middle of the night.

00:19:21.700 No, man.

00:19:22.560 At age 15, dude.

00:19:24.020 And we, I don't know what we did, but we did something, man.

00:19:27.500 That is always the creepiest story.

00:19:29.280 And especially on the receiving end.

00:19:31.340 As a kid, it's a cool story.

00:19:33.060 But when you're a father and your kids come back from the beach saying that shit, because

00:19:38.240 my son did it in Maui.

00:19:40.440 They came running back in.

00:19:42.080 They're like, oh, we met some dudes on the beach.

00:19:44.200 I'm like, what the fuck?

00:19:46.160 What do they look like?

00:19:47.020 Like, well, you don't hang out with dudes at the beach.

00:19:49.860 No, they were cool, dad.

00:19:51.220 No, they weren't.

00:19:52.820 Yeah.

00:19:53.280 No man-

00:19:53.820 They were homeless.

00:19:54.700 Talking to 15-year-old kids is cool at the beach.

00:20:00.260 That's true, man.

00:20:01.380 Dude, when I think back, because we had this fellow named Richard Langenstein, and the listeners

00:20:06.500 know this, and this fellow was eventually convicted or semi-convicted pedophile.

00:20:13.920 But when I was young, he was just this cool guy that we went to smoke weed with and would

00:20:18.620 buy us steaks.

00:20:19.400 Yeah.

00:20:19.960 Did you fall asleep a lot?

00:20:21.200 Huh?

00:20:21.500 Did you fall asleep around this guy?

00:20:23.120 Dude, there's a couple of half memories that I have that I don't want to read all the

00:20:26.620 way through.

00:20:26.940 Yeah, yeah.

00:20:27.260 Don't go through.

00:20:27.720 I don't want to read the second half of the book.

00:20:29.100 But he was- But at the time, we thought it was so cool that he drove one of my friends

00:20:34.300 to Vegas for the weekend, right?

00:20:35.920 Like, pretty sketchy.

00:20:37.260 Right there, right there.

00:20:38.100 Accused, religious brother, accused of molesting student.

00:20:40.740 But this was after.

00:20:41.700 And you knew him?

00:20:42.840 Oh, yeah, dude.

00:20:43.840 I used to smoke weed with that fellow, man.

00:20:46.480 He was a teacher at our school, man.

00:20:48.580 He was a teacher?

00:20:49.440 Yeah.

00:20:49.740 I introduced him to, like, half of my friends.

00:20:53.260 What the fuck?

00:20:55.920 So, here's what I didn't even realize, man.

00:20:57.860 I was a freaking, like, a penis mule for this guy.

00:21:00.840 You know what I'm saying?

00:21:01.600 Yeah, you were bringing him in.

00:21:02.880 Yeah, it is.

00:21:03.460 Because I met him at school.

00:21:04.360 He was a substitute teacher.

00:21:05.520 You were like that girl on Smallville, Allison Mack.

00:21:07.940 Yeah.

00:21:08.460 Oh, yeah.

00:21:09.280 I was a recruiter.

00:21:10.140 You should be serving 120 years right now, Theo.

00:21:12.500 Free Galane, dude.

00:21:14.000 God damn.

00:21:15.260 But anyway, but at the time, it's so crazy at the time how I thought, oh, it's so cool.

00:21:18.720 It's so normal.

00:21:19.860 I'm just, I'm lucky we met this cool guy.

00:21:22.060 Yeah.

00:21:22.340 Now, when I think about it, okay, if at 40, I'm smoking weed with a 15-year-old.

00:21:29.220 Yeah.

00:21:30.140 I'm not doing well.

00:21:31.500 No, man.

00:21:32.880 It would be insane to do that.

00:21:34.960 It doesn't even make sense.

00:21:36.820 No.

00:21:37.600 It's so wild how from the other side of the coin.

00:21:40.160 That's what I'm saying.

00:21:41.240 It's so clear.

00:21:42.100 When Mike, you got to remember, I'm taking responsibility of all my nephews.

00:21:47.040 Oh.

00:21:47.520 Like, I told their parents, I got it.

00:21:50.240 Don't worry.

00:21:50.760 They're going to be safe.

00:21:51.400 And they come running back into the house, and they're like, yo, we met these dudes,

00:21:56.980 man.

00:21:57.180 This is so cool, man.

00:21:58.720 Duncan took a hit.

00:21:59.900 Like, my oldest nephew took a hit.

00:22:02.460 I'm like, what the fuck are you doing?

00:22:04.440 Yeah.

00:22:04.680 What are you guys doing?

00:22:05.880 What's going on, guys?

00:22:07.020 Why would you do that?

00:22:08.240 Yeah.

00:22:08.600 Who are these guys?

00:22:09.940 He just disappeared.

00:22:11.320 Yeah.

00:22:12.160 Duncan got his nails done by some guy.

00:22:14.580 Like, what?

00:22:16.180 I feel weird if I hang out with Gianni.

00:22:18.340 He's only 24.

00:22:19.420 Yeah, that's a good point, actually.

00:22:20.280 That's eight years that I feel weird.

00:22:21.700 15?

00:22:22.180 Yeah.

00:22:22.680 Yeah, man.

00:22:23.600 If I get a DM or anything like that, it's always like, hey, man, thank you so much, kid.

00:22:29.140 Yeah.

00:22:29.580 Tell your mom and dad I said hi.

00:22:31.340 I swear to God, I don't.

00:22:33.980 I, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.

00:22:35.960 I mean, hey, tell your father, Mr. Coy, says thank you.

00:22:42.280 All right, man?

00:22:43.180 Do your homework.

00:22:44.400 It's sketchy now, especially, dude.

00:22:46.480 Hell no.

00:22:47.540 I'll ask a girl straight up if they're going to try to me too me or not.

00:22:50.700 Yeah, you should.

00:22:51.580 Yeah.

00:22:52.260 Yeah.

00:22:52.460 Just so I have it in writing.

00:22:54.720 Yeah.

00:22:55.640 You know?

00:22:56.340 Yeah, that's good.

00:22:57.180 Like, wait, this girl's me too me and said she wasn't going to be too me.

00:23:00.220 You said clearly you weren't.

00:23:02.300 Yeah.

00:23:03.220 What?

00:23:03.960 Yeah, what's going on here?

00:23:05.880 But I'm going to go through, let me think, Nick dates an Asian girl, too.

00:23:09.120 Vietnamese girl.

00:23:10.200 Oh, Vietnamese.

00:23:11.120 They're nice.

00:23:12.180 Oh, yeah.

00:23:12.740 They're nice.

00:23:13.120 They're firecrackers.

00:23:14.360 Yeah, she keeps me in line.

00:23:15.920 They've been through a lot.

00:23:17.480 Yeah.

00:23:17.920 They've been through a lot.

00:23:19.380 Oh, yeah.

00:23:19.780 So, yeah, you better watch her back on that one.

00:23:23.160 Yeah, her parents came by boat.

00:23:24.520 Wow.

00:23:25.060 Well, yeah, a lot of them did.

00:23:26.460 Stayed in Hong Kong for a while.

00:23:28.720 Mm-hmm.

00:23:29.260 Yeah.

00:23:29.520 Oh, yeah.

00:23:30.280 And a Vietnamese person, they could sleep on a damn, on a rack of a clock.

00:23:34.060 I saw a Vietnamese person fall asleep on a whole thing of cans.

00:23:37.640 Unbelievable.

00:23:37.920 Just recycled cans.

00:23:38.980 Yeah.

00:23:39.220 Beautiful.

00:23:39.860 Every turn was just.

00:23:42.580 And didn't wake them up.

00:23:43.980 Yeah.

00:23:44.500 Just, dude.

00:23:45.580 You can't fuck with me.

00:23:46.600 My next door neighbor was Vietnamese, and he was the shit, man.

00:23:49.900 Talk shit, had the thickest accent.

00:23:51.840 Yeah.

00:23:52.080 And was in my face when we played ball, man.

00:23:55.020 You can't call me, dude.

00:23:56.080 Fuck you, dude.

00:23:57.220 Sure to God.

00:23:58.360 His name was V, by the way.

00:23:59.860 V.

00:24:00.480 Oh, yeah.

00:24:00.920 My next door neighbor.

00:24:01.600 That's every Vietnamese person's name.

00:24:02.900 V.

00:24:03.080 And he had hair just like you.

00:24:04.440 Oh, yeah.

00:24:05.080 This is 1983, man.

00:24:06.560 He had the tight sides and the long.

00:24:08.760 He's like, dude, fuck you, dude.

00:24:10.380 Take that.

00:24:11.040 Take that, dude.

00:24:12.740 Yeah, dude.

00:24:14.880 That's where I got my accent from.

00:24:16.140 When I do the Vietnamese accent, it's always V.

00:24:18.200 Oh, that's dope.

00:24:18.900 Oh, he was so funny, man.

00:24:20.960 Yeah, dude.

00:24:21.140 Is she funny?

00:24:21.820 Is she funny?

00:24:22.540 She's hilarious.

00:24:23.260 Yeah.

00:24:23.480 I don't know what it is about.

00:24:25.560 I think, Theo, when you get like when military presence is there, does this make sense?

00:24:34.580 Like the Philippines has a lot of military back in the day.

00:24:38.260 And I think they absorb that culture and that lifestyle.

00:24:41.060 And they get, you know, when you tell a joke, they get it.

00:24:45.900 Right.

00:24:46.160 You know what I mean?

00:24:46.860 Does that make sense?

00:24:47.720 I think so.

00:24:48.200 Because they probably were like all the, a lot of what they probably saw was a lot of American stuff.

00:24:52.540 Yeah, and they hear American humor and the way they talk and like the little words that we use and they get it.

00:24:58.960 Does that make sense?

00:24:59.680 And then they're trying to translate it, huh?

00:25:01.660 Vietnamese are gangsters, though.

00:25:03.200 Oh, they're gangster, bro.

00:25:04.400 They're like, they're gangster business people.

00:25:06.760 Like Louisiana has one of the largest populations of Vietnamese in the U.S.

00:25:11.140 What?

00:25:11.340 We're the only Vietnamese person in the House of Representatives.

00:25:15.800 The only Vietnamese.

00:25:16.260 Did not know that.

00:25:17.220 Is out of Louisiana because of all the fishing industry.

00:25:19.920 So they come down there hunting shrimp and they stay.

00:25:23.600 Did not know that.

00:25:24.860 Ahuang.

00:25:25.520 Ahuang.

00:25:26.220 Ahuang.

00:25:27.080 Ahuang.

00:25:27.600 Ahuang Cao Joseph.

00:25:28.440 He goes by Joseph Chow.

00:25:29.760 Of course he does, dude.

00:25:31.420 Would that be pronounced Cao?

00:25:33.420 Cao?

00:25:33.740 Joseph Cao.

00:25:34.500 Joseph Cao.

00:25:35.300 That's a good call.

00:25:35.960 I bet it would.

00:25:36.580 My girlfriend helped secure two pounds of weed for Boosie Badass.

00:25:39.580 Yep, we had to pay Boosie Badass and weed when he showed up.

00:25:41.920 That's beautiful.

00:25:42.760 That's a beautiful thing.

00:25:43.820 Yeah.

00:25:44.180 That's a great thing.

00:25:45.280 But that's a billets, man.

00:25:46.520 They'll get you anything.

00:25:47.200 You need tables.

00:25:47.860 You need a wedding.

00:25:48.360 Yeah.

00:25:49.060 And they don't give a fuck if the order's wrong.

00:25:50.740 Have you ever seen that?

00:25:51.520 Mm-mm.

00:25:51.920 Yeah.

00:25:52.300 Vietnamese don't give a shit.

00:25:53.240 When I ask every time for my pho.

00:25:55.920 That's Vietnamese, right?

00:25:56.820 Pho?

00:25:57.100 Mm-hmm.

00:25:57.640 And in fact, this just happened.

00:25:59.640 We can call my son to verify this damn story.

00:26:02.340 And once again, I ask, no cilantro.

00:26:04.940 I can't stand cilantro.

00:26:06.280 It fucks up every meal.

00:26:07.780 And I go, please, no cilantro.

00:26:09.060 No problem.

00:26:09.560 No cilantro.

00:26:10.220 Boom.

00:26:10.600 Fucking cilantro.

00:26:11.460 Damn.

00:26:12.500 I go, this is cilantro.

00:26:13.620 No green.

00:26:14.420 She goes, okay.

00:26:15.420 And just walked off.

00:26:16.540 That's amazing.

00:26:18.120 Okay.

00:26:18.660 Yeah.

00:26:20.360 Okay.

00:26:21.980 Well, you want me to put my hand in there?

00:26:23.560 Yeah.

00:26:24.120 Oh, yeah.

00:26:25.340 Because they'll literally go in, huh?

00:26:26.800 I'll take one by one, asshole.

00:26:29.480 I don't know, man.

00:26:30.120 Yeah, there's something more like, I don't know.

00:26:32.640 We got, white culture gets so, a little bit too proper over time.

00:26:36.720 Yeah.

00:26:37.020 And a lot of these cultures that have had a lot more of a rot gut experience or a tougher

00:26:40.760 upcoming in the past 100 years.

00:26:43.540 They really, there's so much more humor, bro, on that side of the head.

00:26:46.800 Bro, I love how you describe that.

00:26:48.520 That's so true, man.

00:26:49.980 So much more humor.

00:26:51.060 How'd you say that?

00:26:51.720 Rot gutted?

00:26:52.500 Rot gut.

00:26:53.220 Rot gut?

00:26:53.800 That's so true, man.

00:26:55.360 Like when you go through just shit and your only form of entertainment is yourself.

00:27:01.960 Yeah.

00:27:02.540 Right?

00:27:03.200 Oh, yeah.

00:27:03.620 And you can only be funny and make fun of yourself.

00:27:06.460 Man, that's why they are who they are, man.

00:27:09.520 Like that's why Filipinos are like that.

00:27:11.020 It's just, that's our form of entertainment.

00:27:13.740 When you're broke and you don't have any money and you depend on the family to be the entertainment

00:27:18.640 at the party.

00:27:19.520 Yeah.

00:27:19.940 Right?

00:27:20.400 Like, I don't know.

00:27:21.380 That made sense how you said that.

00:27:23.400 No, I think, look, when you look at a lot of cultures, that's where a lot of humor really

00:27:26.680 comes out of, you know, is some type of, not turmoil really, but just, I think a place

00:27:34.620 of unrest or not having something where you need to become an instrument as a person.

00:27:40.540 You need to become funny or become, because it's not there.

00:27:45.300 It's not there.

00:27:45.800 Like, there's not the other elements that you have to get the entertainment.

00:27:49.240 Exactly.

00:27:49.820 So it's like, unless somebody's going to go rent a VHS, you know, which somebody has the

00:27:53.460 money to do once a week.

00:27:54.720 Yep.

00:27:55.040 Then otherwise, somebody's going to have to start entertaining.

00:27:57.320 Yeah.

00:27:57.720 Someone's got to juggle, motherfucker.

00:27:59.260 Somebody's got to juggle, dude.

00:28:00.340 So grab those three balls and do something.

00:28:03.440 Parties in two days.

00:28:04.400 That's it.

00:28:04.940 Yeah.

00:28:05.260 That's the truth, man.

00:28:06.560 I think there's something about that.

00:28:07.860 But yeah, I'm going to go through and rank now.

00:28:09.860 Japanese, I've, and I've, you know, I've long been, you know, I'm not an,

00:28:15.040 I'm not anti-Japanese.

00:28:17.540 Yeah.

00:28:17.900 But they're, I get no Japanese person.

00:28:21.400 It's hard to know if they care what's going on.

00:28:23.780 Living to see.

00:28:24.900 It's just like, all right.

00:28:26.260 You know, I never, I can't tell if they've just come from a fire or if they just got a

00:28:31.600 massage.

00:28:32.140 Like I just, Oh, you mean their expression?

00:28:34.780 I have no idea.

00:28:35.580 Yeah.

00:28:37.500 Never.

00:28:38.800 Like I went to a Japanese, a buddy of mine married a Japanese girl and was at the wedding

00:28:41.660 and I was like, dude, are you sure this girl like you?

00:28:44.400 Oh, like I have zero vibe off of this girl.

00:28:48.760 Yeah.

00:28:49.080 It's just correct.

00:28:49.640 And I think it's just because if you don't grow up around a certain population, you have

00:28:52.980 just have no idea what their expressions are like.

00:28:55.520 That's true.

00:28:56.280 Like Filipinos a lot easier.

00:28:58.520 China is, they're more gangsters, bro.

00:29:00.460 China is really like the black community of Asia.

00:29:02.460 Really?

00:29:02.960 Chinese people are funny too, by the way.

00:29:04.680 Chinese people, Chinese people don't care if they die, bro.

00:29:07.300 You'll be walking down the street with like in Shanghai, somebody dies.

00:29:10.760 They make a soup out of them, put a sign up.

00:29:13.620 What the fuck?

00:29:15.000 Bro, sell fucking whatever his name was, you know, him key soup and it's a fucking funeral

00:29:20.500 luncheon and everybody goes back to work, bro.

00:29:23.260 Those people keep it moving.

00:29:25.720 Yeah.

00:29:25.820 They don't have time.

00:29:26.980 They don't have time, bro.

00:29:27.700 There's 1.9 billion, Theo.

00:29:29.940 It don't matter.

00:29:31.200 You know what I mean?

00:29:31.760 When one drops, it's like you get to open your arms just a little bit more.

00:29:36.500 You get to do a full stretch.

00:29:38.100 Three more die.

00:29:39.860 Oh, so better.

00:29:41.300 There's a sinkhole.

00:29:42.760 Yeah.

00:29:43.040 Oh, you fucking finally, you can get a nap in.

00:29:46.380 They're like, oh.

00:29:49.100 The Chinese, and it's not, like we have the luxury of having a little bit of space over

00:29:53.920 here.

00:29:54.080 Yeah.

00:29:54.700 You know.

00:29:54.980 We have a lot of space.

00:29:56.600 Yeah.

00:29:56.820 I'm so sick of people going, man, we're so overpopulated.

00:29:59.760 Overpopulated.

00:30:00.540 I'm like, have you ever flown from L.A. to Vegas?

00:30:06.140 Yeah.

00:30:06.520 You see all that land?

00:30:09.040 You ever fly from, like, Omaha to, what's the next state over?

00:30:14.000 Cincinnati, maybe?

00:30:15.160 Cincinnati.

00:30:16.180 You ever go to St. Louis to Denver?

00:30:18.020 Yeah.

00:30:19.160 It's land.

00:30:19.900 Look at all that land.

00:30:21.580 What the fuck are you guys talking about, man?

00:30:24.720 It is only populated wherever you live.

00:30:27.820 Yeah.

00:30:28.080 Oh, man, there's so many people in Los Angeles.

00:30:30.520 Yeah.

00:30:31.120 Yeah.

00:30:31.580 Yeah.

00:30:32.500 Yeah, go to Victorville.

00:30:33.840 Yeah.

00:30:34.140 Go to Needles.

00:30:35.360 Go to Needles.

00:30:36.780 You ever fly from San Antonio to Dallas?

00:30:39.920 It's ridiculous.

00:30:41.180 Yeah.

00:30:41.360 So much land.

00:30:42.560 Oh, yeah.

00:30:43.580 So much land.

00:30:44.580 Stop it.

00:30:45.460 We got room.

00:30:46.720 There's not enough people.

00:30:48.440 I think more people are starting to spread out now, especially.

00:30:52.200 Yeah.

00:30:52.380 Oh, especially now.

00:30:53.560 I think during this whole pandy, a lot of people were like, hey, I got a, I don't know

00:30:57.320 what this rat race is that I'm stuck in.

00:30:59.260 I want to go see about being a human being, you know?

00:31:02.500 Yeah.

00:31:02.700 I think places like Utah are getting busier.

00:31:04.880 Um, you know, also states without taxes, you know, without state taxes are getting busier

00:31:10.640 too.

00:31:11.040 Oh, way busier.

00:31:12.520 You know?

00:31:12.960 I'm in Vegas now, so.

00:31:14.580 Yeah.

00:31:14.700 How is that?

00:31:15.100 Good?

00:31:15.460 Oh, I love it.

00:31:16.500 I got a house in Vegas and a, I mean, I have a house here.

00:31:19.600 Right.

00:31:20.080 But I, I, Vegas is where I like to go.

00:31:22.600 I'm always in Vegas.

00:31:24.140 That's dope.

00:31:24.460 You should go to Vegas.

00:31:25.280 You know what?

00:31:25.700 I would, I would consider it.

00:31:27.140 I think I'm gonna try Nashville for a little while.

00:31:28.820 Yeah.

00:31:29.160 But then I would consider Vegas.

00:31:30.540 Yeah.

00:31:30.980 The reason why I like Vegas so much, it's a, it's an hour flight, man.

00:31:34.400 Yeah.

00:31:34.840 You know, you go to Nashville, what is that?

00:31:36.140 Two and a half?

00:31:36.660 Oh, that's more.

00:31:37.260 It's like three and a half hours.

00:31:38.360 Yeah.

00:31:38.620 See, that's, that's a, that's an event.

00:31:40.660 Yeah.

00:31:41.280 That's a lot of planning.

00:31:42.560 Whereas like you live in Vegas, you're living your life and it's like, hey, we need you to do

00:31:46.440 some.

00:31:46.620 But I'll be there in, I'll be there at six.

00:31:49.480 Yeah.

00:31:49.500 That is cool.

00:31:50.100 You know what I mean?

00:31:51.040 That is pretty cool.

00:31:52.040 At 11 a.m.

00:31:52.840 You could have a call and decide you need to be there the next morning.

00:31:56.240 Yeah.

00:31:56.340 And at 5 p.m.

00:31:57.040 You could take a flight and be done fresh and ready the next day.

00:32:00.940 Yeah.

00:32:01.260 Yeah.

00:32:01.280 That's one thing.

00:32:01.800 One thing that's nice about Nashville is the proximity.

00:32:04.100 Like you can drive to, you want to go perform in Huntsville.

00:32:06.860 It's two hours away.

00:32:07.800 You want to perform in Indianapolis.

00:32:09.380 It's four hours away.

00:32:10.600 You want to perform in Cincinnati.

00:32:12.760 It's four hours away.

00:32:13.860 Like you just don't really realize how many places you could just go do comedy that are

00:32:19.600 within, you know.

00:32:20.860 Yeah.

00:32:21.500 You could just, you know, get on a plane at 11 and be at your hotel by 2 p.m.

00:32:26.020 I love Nashville, by the way.

00:32:27.840 It's cool, man.

00:32:28.680 It's interesting.

00:32:29.800 It's completely different.

00:32:31.500 Oh, it's completely different.

00:32:32.600 Yeah.

00:32:32.680 It's like a Western version of New York.

00:32:37.080 Yeah.

00:32:37.440 Like when New York was like that big jazz movement and entertainment movement, you know, am I making

00:32:43.500 any sense?

00:32:44.100 I don't know.

00:32:44.460 Back in the day, you could just go to New York and everyone was playing jazz music everywhere

00:32:47.860 and like jazz was huge.

00:32:49.480 I wasn't from that era.

00:32:50.900 I just heard this story from Cosby.

00:32:52.820 I see it in, you know, like movies and just like, man, I wish I lived during that time.

00:32:58.360 Yeah.

00:32:58.640 You go to these clubs and all of a sudden this, musicians were just playing and like, you know

00:33:04.000 what I mean?

00:33:04.300 And you hear all these stories like, and then all of a sudden you see, I go to Nashville

00:33:08.380 and it was the same thing.

00:33:10.020 Yeah.

00:33:10.220 It was like, I was seeing, I don't like country, but when I'm in Nashville, I love country.

00:33:15.900 Yeah.

00:33:16.360 Because I see it.

00:33:17.300 I see those stories come to life.

00:33:19.120 That whole jazz movement in New York, I'm seeing in Nashville, I'm walking every bar,

00:33:24.340 there's someone playing.

00:33:25.240 Someone's playing music.

00:33:25.960 I went to a brunch and there was a band playing.

00:33:28.580 I got off the plane, there was a band playing.

00:33:30.360 I bought CDs.

00:33:31.880 I still say this every time I had this CD from the Gin Sisters.

00:33:35.500 I don't know if they made it or if they became big.

00:33:37.680 Let's look them up now.

00:33:38.380 Their name, Gin Sisters.

00:33:40.420 And I got off my plane in Nashville and a huge crowd wrapped around them.

00:33:44.840 All they had was a speaker, an amplifier, and two, I think two sisters, I hope they're

00:33:49.820 sisters, and they were playing, bought their CD.

00:33:53.000 And I was like, and that's what live music is.

00:33:56.360 And that's what that whole, when you see someone hungry, when someone's hungry.

00:34:00.860 You know, you buy into that.

00:34:02.740 There's that energy, you know, when you see someone just, I'm in an airport plane.

00:34:06.960 It's like, yeah, man, I'll buy that.

00:34:09.480 What is it?

00:34:10.000 I'll buy it.

00:34:10.740 I love it.

00:34:11.460 Yeah, I'll support it.

00:34:11.720 Yeah.

00:34:12.220 What about this?

00:34:12.880 Do you find that it's tougher to recreate that desire as you achieve more success and

00:34:22.800 stuff?

00:34:23.140 No.

00:34:23.860 You don't?

00:34:24.320 No, I don't.

00:34:25.140 Wow.

00:34:25.820 I don't.

00:34:26.640 I'm still thinking of things that I need to do.

00:34:30.020 Well, I'm still thinking of things that I need to do.

00:34:31.880 Yeah.

00:34:32.360 And it burns inside me.

00:34:33.980 Like, I can't wait.

00:34:35.280 Wow.

00:34:35.920 Mm-hmm.

00:34:36.520 I'm working on this project right now.

00:34:37.780 I don't sleep.

00:34:38.580 Really?

00:34:39.100 Yeah.

00:34:39.880 Yeah, man.

00:34:40.940 Fire.

00:34:42.100 Like, I'm on fire right now.

00:34:43.880 And you're up for an Emmy right now, aren't you?

00:34:45.720 It was a People's Choice Award.

00:34:48.360 Wow.

00:34:49.060 Yeah.

00:34:49.360 For that special.

00:34:50.720 And that special that I shot in the Philippines was burning inside of me for years.

00:34:56.460 And for it to come to life the way it did, I was so excited.

00:34:59.780 I don't know.

00:35:00.260 I can never explain it to someone what that special meant to me because, you know, we live

00:35:05.780 in a time now where you get to watch, you get to go online and see whoever it is that

00:35:10.480 you are.

00:35:11.360 Like, you know, if you're Vietnamese, you can go online and find Vietnamese entertainment.

00:35:16.840 Mm-hmm.

00:35:17.100 All kinds of singers, whatever.

00:35:19.640 Right.

00:35:19.980 But try doing that in 1982 and try and find a Filipino that looked like me doing stand-up.

00:35:26.480 Yeah.

00:35:26.840 When you only had three channels to go from.

00:35:29.520 People thought you were Sinbad's son a lot of it.

00:35:31.340 Yeah, a lot of people thought I was something.

00:35:33.960 They didn't know what I was, by the way.

00:35:35.300 I'm sure.

00:35:35.760 Because I was a mixed kid.

00:35:36.700 I was a military kid.

00:35:37.600 So, you know, I had the hazel eyes, but then they were, like, Asian-looking.

00:35:41.260 Like, people always ask me, what are you?

00:35:42.640 But anyways, what I'm getting at is just, like, that's what that whole thing was.

00:35:47.760 Like, being able to create something to help inspire other kids that are trying to get into

00:35:52.560 this business, you know?

00:35:53.380 Oh, I can only imagine something like that, what that will do, that fuse.

00:35:57.540 You know?

00:35:58.020 Like, I just remember the first time I ever even went and saw a stand-up comedy.

00:36:01.820 I didn't even know you could do it.

00:36:03.020 I'd never, I know my brother had, like, gotten the videos of Eddie Murphy and stuff, but I

00:36:07.600 didn't know, I was, I, they wouldn't let.

00:36:10.200 You didn't know there was, like, a club thing.

00:36:11.740 Yeah, they wouldn't let me come watch those with them.

00:36:13.560 Yeah.

00:36:13.720 So, I would just hear about it, and I would see Living Color.

00:36:17.440 Yeah.

00:36:17.760 But I was in college, and somebody took me to the comedy club, and there was a man up

00:36:21.360 there.

00:36:21.560 I think it was Mark Gross.

00:36:23.000 Do you remember him?

00:36:23.460 I remember Mark Gross.

00:36:25.100 Great joke writer, and he's just up there telling jokes, and I'm like, this is a job.

00:36:29.460 This is insane.

00:36:30.640 Yeah.

00:36:30.960 Yeah.

00:36:32.640 Loved it.

00:36:33.600 And yeah, and it just blew my mind that that was the real thing.

00:36:36.340 But I could only, and that was probably where the seed comes from.

00:36:38.860 So, I can only imagine if you're sitting in the Philippines, you know?

00:36:41.780 I wanted to go to the Philippines with it.

00:36:43.760 I wanted to be able to show the world, like, yo, this is the culture I'm talking about.

00:36:47.120 These are our people.

00:36:47.920 They speak English.

00:36:49.460 You know what I mean?

00:36:50.000 The best people, dog.

00:36:51.020 Wow, they're so nice.

00:36:51.480 Bro, I've been to the Azores Islands over there.

00:36:54.940 Was this it?

00:36:55.680 Let's hear it.

00:36:59.460 What's this?

00:36:59.980 This is Theo was asked, which person would he send, and it's related, which person would

00:37:05.980 he send to be an ambassador to the aliens?

00:37:10.760 And this is factual, right?

00:37:11.720 Here's documented information.

00:37:13.520 Probably a Filipino, dude.

00:37:14.820 I'm really infatuated by Filipinos.

00:37:16.660 They're happy.

00:37:17.480 They're joyous.

00:37:18.220 You know, they call them the smiling people somewhere on the internet, and every Filipino

00:37:23.880 I meet, they're real gracious.

00:37:25.240 They do a lot of senior care centers, hospice.

00:37:28.060 So, you don't fucking...

00:37:29.940 Who else are you going to send out there, dude?

00:37:31.460 You know what I'm saying?

00:37:32.320 I love it.

00:37:32.900 You're fucking drunk.

00:37:33.880 You know what?

00:37:34.960 I need that video.

00:37:36.460 Can you send me that video?

00:37:37.700 It's true, man.

00:37:38.280 Oh, I got to post that.

00:37:39.520 The Filipinos, a lot of...

00:37:40.100 And what a lot of people don't realize is, before you die, a lot of...

00:37:43.660 The last person a lot of people see is a Filipino person.

00:37:46.020 Man, so true.

00:37:48.380 So true.

00:37:50.380 That's pretty fascinating when you think about that.

00:37:52.440 When you think about whatever scope of God's world that it is, that that is the last...

00:37:57.060 I don't care if you're white or black or whoever.

00:37:59.120 However, there's a pretty decent chance...

00:38:01.960 It's going to be a Filipino housekeeper.

00:38:04.100 You're going out.

00:38:04.740 Housekeeper house...

00:38:05.700 Or someone, yeah, that works in nursing.

00:38:07.580 Someone in care, yeah.

00:38:08.400 Nursing, yes.

00:38:09.660 That's so true, man.

00:38:10.780 So many nurses.

00:38:11.900 That's crazy.

00:38:12.800 Yeah.

00:38:13.520 I wonder if that starts to wear...

00:38:15.680 I wonder what effect that has on the culture over time, if it has any...

00:38:19.640 It has none.

00:38:20.880 Wow.

00:38:21.160 It is literally a part of their DNA.

00:38:24.300 Like I said earlier, man, when you have absolutely nothing...

00:38:27.120 Like when you actually go to the Philippines and visit it and you realize, holy fuck, man,

00:38:34.260 I'm spoiled.

00:38:35.420 I need to shut up.

00:38:37.040 I need to really not talk when I...

00:38:39.920 You know what I mean?

00:38:40.760 Like you go there and you see these kids barefoot and I remember we were shooting something and

00:38:46.520 this brought a tear to my eye.

00:38:47.700 We were shooting something because I wanted to show the guys just like these monuments,

00:38:52.860 right?

00:38:53.120 And there was this woman that was, you know, she had a cart and she's selling, you know,

00:38:57.340 you know, fried food, right?

00:38:59.160 And then her kid, barefoot and everything, after we bought the food, she takes his clothes

00:39:05.440 off and just gives him a bath right there.

00:39:07.660 Oh, yeah.

00:39:08.360 Full on bath.

00:39:08.960 With a soda?

00:39:09.900 With a soda.

00:39:10.980 With Mountain Dew.

00:39:11.840 Oh, yeah.

00:39:12.460 No, but like full on shower and the kid's happy as hell.

00:39:15.820 Oh, yeah.

00:39:16.340 And she's bathing him with soap and everything, cup of water, dries him off, clothes back on,

00:39:23.540 he takes off running.

00:39:24.580 It's just another day for this kid.

00:39:27.240 But when I saw that, I was like, holy shit, man.

00:39:30.500 That's life.

00:39:31.180 That's real life.

00:39:32.860 So it's like, what do you do to get out of that, right?

00:39:35.700 You try and learn to speak English, right?

00:39:38.140 You got to learn to speak English.

00:39:40.360 And then you got to become a nurse.

00:39:41.860 Why?

00:39:42.260 Because everyone needs a nurse.

00:39:43.800 Yeah.

00:39:44.020 Everyone needs a nurse, just like you said.

00:39:46.560 You got to make yourself useful.

00:39:47.400 Yeah.

00:39:47.640 Yeah.

00:39:47.740 You got to be of need.

00:39:49.360 Yeah.

00:39:49.720 And who else to get?

00:39:51.880 Someone that's willing to do it.

00:39:54.040 You know what I mean?

00:39:54.500 Someone that speaks English.

00:39:56.220 And I need to get out of this situation.

00:39:58.040 So, yeah, I'll take care of him.

00:39:59.600 So on his last day, yeah, I'll be there.

00:40:01.640 Wow.

00:40:02.020 I'll make sure that his or hers last days are the best last days ever.

00:40:06.720 It's pretty interesting, man.

00:40:08.140 Because, yeah, it's a lot of, I wonder how many people in their lives have been racist

00:40:11.300 or had racist thoughts, you know, especially.

00:40:14.020 And even if they weren't their own, they learned them or whatever.

00:40:17.120 And then they're laying on their deathbed or whatever.

00:40:19.880 And the person that's there usually, that's what's crazy about life, man.

00:40:23.920 Yeah.

00:40:24.380 The person that's there usually is probably of another ethnicity.

00:40:28.220 Yeah.

00:40:28.820 You know?

00:40:29.420 That's so weird.

00:40:30.140 I never even thought of that, Theo.

00:40:31.900 That's so deep, bro.

00:40:33.460 It's just interesting.

00:40:34.060 Think about that.

00:40:35.040 You're just laying there and like.

00:40:37.100 And life just moves on.

00:40:38.540 And you have to, at that point, you have to inside of yourself think like, man, I have

00:40:42.500 to, I can't be hateful because I need this person.

00:40:47.640 Yeah.

00:40:48.100 You know?

00:40:48.480 Even if I just need them just to be the last person that's there when I'm gone and I leave.

00:40:53.040 Just hook me up with a little bit of morphine before I go.

00:40:55.320 Yeah.

00:40:55.960 Just say, yeah.

00:40:56.900 Or something.

00:40:57.800 Just tell whoever comes in the room that I was a decent person.

00:40:59.980 I was a decent man.

00:41:01.920 I was a decent man.

00:41:02.820 Yeah.

00:41:03.120 Yeah.

00:41:03.700 Wow.

00:41:04.140 I never even thought of that.

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00:44:34.860 It's pretty interesting, man.

00:44:36.060 We got a white fellow right here who obviously likes the Lakers and we're excited to have him.

00:44:41.620 What up, Theo?

00:44:42.740 What up, Yosef?

00:44:44.000 Body by Bourbon here.

00:44:45.660 I knew from back in the day on Chelsea Handler as one of the panel.

00:44:49.060 You were hilarious.

00:44:50.700 I was just wondering if you missed doing those shows or do you enjoy doing stand-up more.

00:44:55.620 The Mofongo skit with the cool whip container as a child is easily one of the funniest things I've ever heard.

00:45:03.100 No one ever wanted to trade for those Doritos or Oreos, man.

00:45:05.760 It's a shame.

00:45:06.980 Or got a Cuban rest shot.

00:45:08.300 Not a lot of Mofongo was sold that day.

00:45:11.340 Other than that, gang gang.

00:45:13.300 Oh, that's nice.

00:45:15.200 Gang, man, he's just a fan, huh?

00:45:16.460 Yeah, that's awesome.

00:45:18.260 I miss Chelsea.

00:45:20.320 I was doing stand-up before Chelsea.

00:45:22.720 But I always tell people she was the new Johnny Carson.

00:45:27.700 When Johnny waved you over to the seat, that meant you made it.

00:45:31.800 Yeah.

00:45:32.080 And I felt the same way with Chelsea.

00:45:34.320 If she invited you to that pound you slayed, man, you made it.

00:45:38.440 They came to see you.

00:45:39.980 Wow.

00:45:40.500 I was so nervous that one time I went.

00:45:42.140 Yeah, man.

00:45:42.980 Too nervous.

00:45:43.540 I couldn't handle it.

00:45:44.240 I didn't.

00:45:44.800 Really?

00:45:45.700 Yeah, I think I was never a big Chelsea fan.

00:45:48.320 And then it was just, I was just nervous.

00:45:51.920 It was like the only thing going on for a lot of comedians.

00:45:54.640 Yeah.

00:45:55.480 You know?

00:45:56.000 I mean, you guys were like top of the heat.

00:45:58.620 You know, you guys were getting on television every week.

00:46:02.240 And it was a huge show.

00:46:03.640 Every day.

00:46:04.460 Every single day we were on, which was crazy.

00:46:07.340 They thought we were a cast.

00:46:09.480 Yeah.

00:46:09.680 People thought we were a cast.

00:46:11.640 I felt like I was on a prime time sitcom.

00:46:14.640 That's how I felt.

00:46:16.100 It was crazy.

00:46:17.100 That's wild.

00:46:17.680 Yeah.

00:46:18.020 It was nuts, man.

00:46:19.200 People were coming out for those shows, man.

00:46:21.380 I was always so uptight.

00:46:23.020 And then I just was not a Chelsea fan.

00:46:24.740 So I just, I think that made me nervous.

00:46:27.460 She was kind of intimidating.

00:46:28.900 That made me nervous.

00:46:30.000 I was just kind of nervous at that time.

00:46:31.640 Yeah.

00:46:31.800 I think I just wasn't being myself, really.

00:46:34.740 You know?

00:46:35.160 I was like, all right, how do I look?

00:46:37.580 Am I okay?

00:46:38.580 Are my eyes open?

00:46:41.000 Like, just thinking about all these other things and just being funny.

00:46:43.860 But did you, here's a cool question.

00:46:45.760 Did you know who you were yet?

00:46:49.080 Like, I feel like, and it's just me talking.

00:46:51.700 I feel like when you started doing, after your last special, and then you hit the pod, right?

00:46:58.020 After the last special?

00:46:59.000 Yeah.

00:46:59.440 I felt like that's when Theo became Theo.

00:47:02.620 Yeah.

00:47:03.100 Like, I feel like your voice really just, like, cut right through after that.

00:47:07.940 I feel like during Chelsea, I think you were still in that stage of, I'm funny, but I don't know.

00:47:14.760 Am I right or am I wrong?

00:47:15.420 Oh, yeah, totally.

00:47:16.100 I don't know what I am.

00:47:17.220 I don't know what I'm doing.

00:47:18.100 I'm trying to be like a white guy that could be on a sitcom.

00:47:21.240 Yeah.

00:47:21.380 I just didn't know what I was doing.

00:47:23.780 Yeah, you knew you were funny.

00:47:24.880 I was afraid to be myself, I think.

00:47:26.560 You know, I was afraid.

00:47:28.620 You know, there's not a lot of acceptance of Southern-style comedians, really.

00:47:32.540 There's not a lot of Southern, since the Blue Collar Tour, there's not even, and I don't

00:47:35.800 consider myself a Southern comedian, but.

00:47:37.660 I don't think anyone does.

00:47:38.740 They don't have that, they just haven't really taken anybody from our area, even.

00:47:43.180 Yeah.

00:47:43.880 So, like.

00:47:44.600 I don't even like that label, by the way, to be honest.

00:47:48.020 Like, I don't like it when people, I would never want to, like, I would never label Theo

00:47:52.520 as a Southern comic.

00:47:53.840 Like, you're just a comedian, and you're really fucking funny.

00:47:57.840 Just like when people go, oh, funny, Asian American.

00:48:00.640 It's like, bro, I'm just a comedian, man.

00:48:03.540 Yeah.

00:48:04.120 You know what I mean?

00:48:04.600 Like, there's no difference from me and you.

00:48:08.800 We're funny for what we talk about.

00:48:10.820 Yeah.

00:48:11.180 You know what I mean?

00:48:11.720 And, you know, I think there are different genres of comedy.

00:48:15.580 You know what I mean?

00:48:16.040 There's a puppeteer, and then there's a dancer, and then there's a magician, and there's political,

00:48:20.760 and there's all kinds of shit.

00:48:22.800 That, you can separate us by.

00:48:25.040 Yeah.

00:48:25.420 But we're storytellers, man.

00:48:27.920 Yeah.

00:48:28.360 We're comics that tell our stories.

00:48:30.040 Yeah, I like that.

00:48:30.820 That's a good point.

00:48:31.980 Yeah, I never really felt into that space, kind of.

00:48:34.280 But I think I always felt like I had to fight this label or something.

00:48:36.920 I think a lot of the war was in, maybe possibly even in my own head, you know?

00:48:39.820 Yeah.

00:48:40.980 No, it was.

00:48:41.880 You were right, because I felt the same way with me.

00:48:44.620 I felt like, I don't understand why you guys are making me fight for this.

00:48:47.960 It's obvious.

00:48:48.680 I'm funny.

00:48:49.360 Yeah.

00:48:49.740 So, that's why I love Chelsea so much, because she saw it right away when, you know, I used

00:48:54.140 to open for John Lovitz, and then, did I tell you this story?

00:48:57.360 No, I didn't know that.

00:48:58.200 So, I used to open for John Lovitz at the Laugh Factory, and this is when I'm cleaning

00:49:01.960 yachts and selling shoes at Nordstrom Rack.

00:49:05.180 I remember when I was going to Nordstrom Rack, and I'd look at my phone, it's just a number,

00:49:07.880 and I answered, and it's like, hi, it's John Lovitz, and I'm freaking out, because I used

00:49:12.840 to impersonate him in school, you know what I mean?

00:49:15.180 The liar and all that stuff, you know, all those jokes.

00:49:17.280 Yeah, yeah.

00:49:17.540 And then, here he is, actually, on my phone, and he's like, I really, I've been watching

00:49:21.980 you at the Laugh Factory, and I really want you to open for me.

00:49:25.960 You'd be hysterical.

00:49:28.460 I'm doing a show, I'm doing a show every Wednesday night.

00:49:32.180 Lovitz Wednesdays, or some shit, I don't know.

00:49:34.100 Love it or not, or some shit, I'm trying to make shit up.

00:49:36.720 And then, so I was like, yeah, and I started doing these shows with him, and next thing

00:49:41.280 you know, this is a true story, you're going to love this.

00:49:43.680 This is such a fucking weird thing.

00:49:46.260 You ready, Nick?

00:49:46.900 I don't know if I told you this story, but he goes, I'm going to start, I'm going to

00:49:51.700 start, this is so funny, I'm going to start putting this lady on the show, her name is

00:49:58.380 Chelsea Handler.

00:49:59.800 She's so funny.

00:50:01.560 She's my only friend on MySpace.

00:50:03.440 I'm like, what the fuck?

00:50:06.720 He goes, when you go home, go to your MySpace.

00:50:10.320 She's my only friend, her and Tom.

00:50:13.920 And I went home, and it was literally Tom and her, and that's when I found out who Chelsea

00:50:17.980 was, and she started doing these shows, and after every show, she would talk so much shit.

00:50:23.480 So while John's on stage, she's just talking shit, and then she's like, I want you to be

00:50:27.160 my sidekick.

00:50:27.920 I got this show idea, and we're pitching this show, and I want you to be my sidekick.

00:50:33.520 And so I was pretty much supposed to be Chewy.

00:50:36.520 Wow.

00:50:36.960 Yeah.

00:50:37.480 And then I turned it down.

00:50:40.280 But we went through all kinds of meetings.

00:50:43.760 They weren't full-on production meetings, but it was ideas and going through the meetings

00:50:47.900 and getting ready for the pitch.

00:50:48.880 And then finally, I was just like, I go, hey, Chelsea.

00:50:52.060 I called her on the phone.

00:50:53.140 I was like, hey, I just, I really want to be my guy.

00:50:57.600 Like, I don't want to be a sidekick.

00:50:58.700 I'm trying to find this.

00:51:00.800 I want to do my own special.

00:51:02.100 I want to blah, blah, blah.

00:51:02.740 And she cursed me out, bro.

00:51:04.380 Damn.

00:51:04.760 She's like, oh, good luck with that fucking shit.

00:51:06.340 Watch this, blah, blah, blah.

00:51:07.080 She just cursed me out.

00:51:08.580 She's like, this show's going to be a fucking hit.

00:51:10.740 You made the wrong fucking decision.

00:51:11.920 And then she hangs up the phone, and I'm just like, oh.

00:51:15.080 And six months later, Chelsea, lately, is just blowing up.

00:51:18.900 Wow.

00:51:19.160 And I'm at Nordstrom Rack.

00:51:20.820 And I remember my ex-wife picking me up, and while she's driving me home, she's like,

00:51:25.520 I'm recording this show right now.

00:51:26.700 We got to get home.

00:51:27.560 This lady, Chelsea Hanlon, she's so funny.

00:51:30.300 And I'm like, that's the fucking show I was supposed to be on.

00:51:33.260 Dang.

00:51:33.780 And I remember I was so depressed and wondering why I said no to it.

00:51:40.100 And for six months, I didn't get a call from her.

00:51:42.300 And then finally, she called me.

00:51:43.380 But anyways, what I was getting at, I feel like I'm always fighting to tell people I'm funny.

00:51:51.220 Chelsea was the only one that said yes.

00:51:54.500 And it was funny, because it was just like Comedy Central's passing on me.

00:51:58.960 ABC turned me down.

00:52:00.620 I got on this one pilot.

00:52:01.940 They fired me.

00:52:02.620 And it's just like, what is going on?

00:52:04.860 Why don't I have an hour yet?

00:52:06.160 I don't understand why I don't have an hour.

00:52:07.620 I'm crushing on the road right now.

00:52:09.020 Why don't I have an hour?

00:52:09.720 So, yeah, I feel you, man.

00:52:11.900 I just like, what is it that you're not getting?

00:52:13.920 Is it because you guys don't get it?

00:52:15.280 Because the country gets it.

00:52:17.580 Right.

00:52:18.380 Why aren't you guys getting it?

00:52:20.060 So, did you feel that way when you were shooting your shit?

00:52:24.100 Yeah, I mean, I guess I felt, I started to get upset.

00:52:27.180 Like, you go into a lot of rooms in LA.

00:52:29.620 And it's a lot of the same person when you go in there.

00:52:32.520 Whether or not the industry wants to really admit it, I feel like it's always, it's usually

00:52:37.480 like a really liberal person.

00:52:38.920 And it's just, and that's fine.

00:52:40.520 It's just always the same person.

00:52:42.520 Yeah.

00:52:42.800 So, it's like, at a certain point, I'm like, well, how can any of these people have any,

00:52:48.340 like, at a certain point, there's just too much of the same, they're just looking through

00:52:53.120 too much of a similar lens.

00:52:55.060 Yeah.

00:52:55.540 Even if they don't, just like if I went into a place and it was all like redneck women

00:53:01.320 or something, at a certain point, I'd be like, this is just too, there's too much of

00:53:05.060 a monopoly on the point of view.

00:53:06.780 Yeah, exactly.

00:53:07.580 And at a certain point, it's just like, I'm just like a salmon, but the water's too thick,

00:53:11.100 man.

00:53:11.240 It's just like, this, you know, and it made me feel like, but it also made me feel like

00:53:16.480 really unwanted.

00:53:17.580 It made me feel.

00:53:18.240 That's how I felt.

00:53:18.960 And it made me mad because it was like, man, I, you know, you're supposed to, you're telling

00:53:24.160 me that I'm supposed to come out of my small town and get to Hollywood and this is where

00:53:27.260 you can make it.

00:53:28.000 And this is, but then I get there and it's like, you don't want any, nobody like me,

00:53:32.920 you don't want anybody like me.

00:53:34.200 Yeah.

00:53:34.340 You know, and I think it was also like around, um, I mean, I think I kind of made my switch

00:53:40.180 for things like right around like the last election and it was like, um, like somebody

00:53:46.220 wrote an article about my special where it was like, uh, Oh, this guy would be a perfect,

00:53:51.020 this is the Trump's perfect special, you know?

00:53:53.660 And it's like, don't you see, this is a character.

00:53:55.660 This is like, yeah, don't you have any satire?

00:53:58.320 Like what a fucking idiot writer, you know, like it just, I don't know, man.

00:54:02.800 I just felt so turned off by such a, a, a industry that was supposed to be welcoming to everybody.

00:54:09.400 And then it felt like, Oh, not everybody.

00:54:11.920 Yeah.

00:54:12.200 Not everybody.

00:54:12.980 You're, you're so right.

00:54:13.900 And then, I, then they put you in that.

00:54:15.920 Oh, there you are.

00:54:17.100 Yeah.

00:54:17.640 And then it doesn't already have a favorite standup comedian.

00:54:20.160 Uh, he may find his kindred spirit in Theo Vaughn.

00:54:22.560 And that's just fucking, I mean, what an asshole.

00:54:25.240 And this guy's long been a shitty writer.

00:54:27.160 Yeah.

00:54:27.380 I mean, he doesn't have a career.

00:54:28.380 And then, you know what else?

00:54:29.100 Don't shout this guy out by the way.

00:54:30.300 And then, uh, you know what I mean?

00:54:31.700 Like you shouldn't even put it up because you, you just, you're giving them energy, which

00:54:35.920 is stupid because obviously this guy is desperate and he was always desperate and he would always

00:54:41.020 write about like the soup, like Schumer, he would always, and they would always make fun

00:54:44.600 of him behind his back.

00:54:45.420 That was the craziest thing.

00:54:46.720 I'd always been like, Oh, he's such a loser.

00:54:48.480 And he's meanwhile, just peddling to write whatever article.

00:54:51.600 Yeah.

00:54:51.840 And I'm like, just the whole industry kind of made me a little bit sick, but that's

00:54:55.280 when I started doing podcasting.

00:54:56.860 And that's like when TFATK had me on.

00:54:59.740 Yeah.

00:55:00.500 Um, Rogan had me on.

00:55:02.140 You guys had me on over there when you were working at Corolla Studios.

00:55:04.780 Yeah.

00:55:05.060 You crushed.

00:55:05.960 Um, just different.

00:55:07.240 And that's when you found it, right?

00:55:08.460 Yeah.

00:55:08.680 That's when I was like, Oh, I'm just going to talk about stuff that I know about.

00:55:11.440 I'm just going to talk about just my life.

00:55:13.200 And you know, what's, you know, you know, what's cool is like as, as much as that pisses

00:55:17.340 me off.

00:55:17.920 Right.

00:55:18.260 But I'm kind of glad that that happened.

00:55:22.700 Yeah.

00:55:23.420 You know what I mean?

00:55:23.840 Especially with Netflix.

00:55:24.880 Like I told you the story, right?

00:55:26.160 I had to pay for it.

00:55:26.920 Yeah.

00:55:27.020 You had to do your own.

00:55:27.840 Yeah.

00:55:28.080 And like, I did not understand why I had to pay for my own special.

00:55:31.200 Like I, it, I remember backstage after I, I taped the first show, me and my agent, my

00:55:36.620 manager, and I'm just like, this is so unfair.

00:55:38.500 Like I was so mad.

00:55:39.480 Like, this is, this is bullshit.

00:55:41.460 Like, I don't get it.

00:55:42.620 Like, Oh, it would have made me mad.

00:55:43.560 Yeah.

00:55:43.760 Cause it's like, you know, cause say, Oh, by the way, they already said when I, when

00:55:48.560 I said I was shooting in Seattle, uh, they made sure to call and go, Hey, we just want

00:55:52.580 you guys to know we don't, we're not interested.

00:55:54.440 Like they really wanted to make sure that we knew that.

00:55:58.640 So like, just imagine the pressure, bro.

00:56:01.760 And like, and my son's laying on the couch in the green room.

00:56:04.560 I'm broke after this special.

00:56:06.340 I'm, I'm done.

00:56:07.000 All the money that I saved up done.

00:56:09.100 And then I was just like, this is bullshit.

00:56:10.980 Why, why do I got to fight and sell this?

00:56:13.160 And then they still, yeah.

00:56:14.200 And then you have to, then you have to put it on their network.

00:56:16.380 How much did they?

00:56:17.260 Well here, Oh, hold on.

00:56:18.080 I don't want to get fired from Netflix.

00:56:20.300 I love Netflix.

00:56:22.160 Don't get me wrong.

00:56:24.100 It wasn't their fault.

00:56:25.900 Right.

00:56:26.400 You know what I mean?

00:56:26.960 It's just the uphill we're talking about.

00:56:28.340 It was the uphill.

00:56:29.160 It was the obstacle.

00:56:29.880 They, they were, they were booked.

00:56:31.660 They were legit.

00:56:32.800 They were legit built.

00:56:33.820 And who's to say, who's to say, cause I, I, I use this example all the time.

00:56:38.720 Right.

00:56:38.900 Like, it's like, you can't get mad at someone that's responsible for billions of dollars.

00:56:44.680 Right.

00:56:45.100 Right.

00:56:45.360 And they hire certain people like, all right, you get, you get 50 million.

00:56:49.340 I want you to buy a bunch of talent.

00:56:51.160 Yo, it's their job to write these checks.

00:56:54.200 Right.

00:56:54.660 And say my, my special flops, which I knew it wasn't, but say it did.

00:56:59.360 They're the ones that get in trouble.

00:57:00.540 So it's like, imagine if I had a couple million dollars and someone goes, go find me some talent.

00:57:04.560 Like, that's a scary job.

00:57:06.320 And I get it.

00:57:07.060 And I, I do understand that.

00:57:08.420 And I'm, I know I'm making excuses, but I'm also happy that they, they didn't give me a special because I went and shot that thing myself.

00:57:18.000 And I went on to shoot three more on my own for Netflix and, and, and the, the, the two that, that I shot after that, they gave me the money.

00:57:26.060 Like they literally just gave me the money and said, here, here, we're all in just, you shoot it.

00:57:30.480 You did so good on that first special.

00:57:32.160 We don't want to touch it.

00:57:33.420 Yeah.

00:57:33.780 They gave me full creative control.

00:57:35.380 Wow.

00:57:35.700 So it's like, yeah, I was fucked up with the obstacle that they gave me.

00:57:39.400 But when I showed them that I could do it and give them a good product, they bought three more from me.

00:57:44.660 Right.

00:57:45.160 So it's like, yeah, it's so crazy.

00:57:46.580 Yeah.

00:57:46.700 It's like, you just got to get that scale to tip.

00:57:48.620 You just have to.

00:57:49.920 And maybe that's what it was with you.

00:57:51.440 Maybe it's like, yo, you keep getting pushed up against the wall.

00:57:54.020 And then finally you're like, yo, fuck it.

00:57:55.260 I'm right here.

00:57:56.400 I'll just do it.

00:57:57.100 This is what I'm going to do.

00:57:58.340 I'm going to do me right here.

00:57:59.600 Yeah.

00:58:00.120 And then you look what you did.

00:58:01.540 Now, now everyone's on you.

00:58:02.920 And now we have a, yeah, now we have a new special that we're doing with Netflix, which is cool.

00:58:06.580 But yeah, I feel you.

00:58:08.740 I think it's just like, I don't know.

00:58:10.760 Sometimes it did just seem like the journey, like the, the, the struggle was easier for other people.

00:58:14.900 But, but it's like, oh man, feel.

00:58:17.620 Yeah.

00:58:18.180 I can.

00:58:18.500 We both know.

00:58:19.240 Yeah.

00:58:19.960 And it made us, it did make us bad.

00:58:23.120 Cause I, I know who you're talking about.

00:58:25.020 Yeah.

00:58:25.460 It's not fair.

00:58:26.120 We, we, we, we came up at the same time.

00:58:28.880 Yeah.

00:58:29.320 So you and I both saw, you know, certain comics and we're not hating on them.

00:58:34.860 We're not, but we just knew that we, there was an obstacle and it wasn't fair.

00:58:40.600 Yeah.

00:58:41.780 Cause I know what you're talking about.

00:58:42.940 Cause there was, I would watch a special and go, what the fuck?

00:58:45.780 Really?

00:58:46.820 Fucking really?

00:58:48.780 But I wouldn't go public with it.

00:58:50.460 Right.

00:58:50.660 I wouldn't be like, yo, fuck this.

00:58:52.180 Oh, I always have to bite my tongue.

00:58:53.940 But, but I knew it doesn't.

00:58:55.760 Yeah.

00:58:56.120 But, but I knew, but I knew my time was coming.

00:59:00.080 I knew it.

00:59:01.280 And if I had to make it, then I had to make it and I'll still make it.

00:59:04.580 Dude.

00:59:04.700 They gave me another one, by the way.

00:59:05.840 They just, I just signed another deal for my fourth.

00:59:08.740 That's crazy.

00:59:09.660 And, and I'm ready and they want me to shoot now.

00:59:12.580 And I'm like, no, I know exactly when I'm going to shoot it.

00:59:16.160 And I know exactly where I'm going to shoot it.

00:59:18.000 And that's where it's going to be.

00:59:19.480 Dang.

00:59:19.700 That creative control is so important, right?

00:59:22.620 Yeah.

00:59:23.520 Oh yeah.

00:59:24.080 And that's one thing that's nice about Netflix is that they give you that.

00:59:26.480 Yeah.

00:59:27.720 Shout out to all of them, by the way.

00:59:29.040 I just want to do that.

00:59:30.620 Robbie Prague, Neil, Joanne, they, they, man, Robert Guillermo, yo, they are amazing over

00:59:37.340 at Netflix.

00:59:38.180 Yeah.

00:59:38.580 And, uh, and yo, and I always say that, you know, I, what I just told you right now,

00:59:43.100 I did on stage in Malaysia, right?

00:59:45.400 I was doing this huge venue in Malaysia and I, and I told the whole Netflix,

00:59:49.940 story about how they didn't give me the, the deal and how I tried to get them to come

00:59:54.380 down and they kept canceling, you know, come to this show.

00:59:57.520 I'll, I'll, I'll fly you out.

00:59:59.000 I even, I told my manager, I'll fly them to San Francisco.

01:00:01.620 I'll leave the jet running.

01:00:03.440 Come watch my set.

01:00:04.660 We'll, we'll shuttle them back to the jet and fly back.

01:00:07.120 Like, like I wanted that special so bad, bro.

01:00:09.620 And they kept turning it down and I was like, I don't get it.

01:00:12.000 Like, why, why don't you want to see what I'm doing right now?

01:00:14.780 Like I was really hurt by it and I was saying this on stage and then I, you know, and then

01:00:19.220 ended the story by saying, Hey, I shot it myself and then they bought it from me.

01:00:24.300 So what I'm trying to say is don't let obstacles get in front.

01:00:26.620 It's like an inspirational story.

01:00:28.000 Right.

01:00:28.280 Yeah.

01:00:28.880 And then they were there and I had no idea that, uh, one of the execs was there and he

01:00:37.120 was in line and he came and you know, the meet and greet and my fucking heart fell out of my

01:00:43.620 chest.

01:00:44.060 Oh, that would be hectic.

01:00:45.340 And I'm like, yo, I don't want to say his name, but, uh, I go, what?

01:00:50.100 I go, you know that I, you know, I, I, I'm just telling my side of the story and, you

01:00:55.520 know, but as you could tell, like, I gave you guys love that he was, you know, you don't

01:00:58.460 need to explain.

01:00:59.580 He goes, I want you to tell that story.

01:01:02.060 He goes, please tell that story.

01:01:03.780 In fact, do that story on your next special on Netflix.

01:01:06.620 Tell that story.

01:01:07.860 Yeah.

01:01:08.680 And I was like, he was cool with it.

01:01:10.600 And when he said that, I just hugged him and I was like, thank you.

01:01:13.500 I just, you know, there, there was just a lot of struggle that I was going through.

01:01:16.900 I had a lot of tears, you know what I mean?

01:01:18.660 And yeah, there's nowhere to put it all a lot of times.

01:01:20.720 There's nowhere to put it except in your work.

01:01:22.300 Like nobody wants to hear like a lot of the, you know, the sob story just doesn't really,

01:01:27.980 there's no real place for it.

01:01:29.260 There never is in the world.

01:01:30.380 It's like all of your, what do you think that is, Theo?

01:01:34.100 What do you think it is that people don't want to hear the sob story?

01:01:36.620 Well, it's not even a sob story.

01:01:38.200 It's an, it's an emotional story.

01:01:40.780 It's a, it's a grind.

01:01:42.680 Like when people hear like what you just said to me, like, I didn't know that about you.

01:01:46.620 I didn't know you were struggling through that.

01:01:48.240 I really didn't.

01:01:48.820 And I, I always looked at you as the guy that was like killing it.

01:01:55.200 And it was kind of making me jealous.

01:01:56.760 Cause I knew I had like at least 10 years on you.

01:01:59.380 You know what I mean?

01:01:59.860 But I, I'd never said that.

01:02:01.100 I, every time I told you, I praised you.

01:02:02.960 I was posting your shit.

01:02:04.700 You're always super nice.

01:02:05.640 Yeah.

01:02:06.020 Cause I, cause you're funny.

01:02:07.400 You're really funny.

01:02:07.960 And, and, um, but it inspired that, that inspires me.

01:02:12.540 Like when I see someone blowing up, that inspires me.

01:02:14.940 That's like, okay, it's possible.

01:02:16.060 What is it that people don't want to hear?

01:02:18.820 Is it cause they don't want any motivation?

01:02:21.440 Do they not want to be inspired?

01:02:22.860 Do they like being where they're at?

01:02:25.400 Does that make sense?

01:02:27.060 Yeah, I think it makes sense.

01:02:27.900 That's a good question, man.

01:02:29.120 I think there's, I think the motivational side of it, there's, there's a place for it.

01:02:34.880 There's a place to share your struggle.

01:02:36.400 There's a place to share what happened and what it was like and your point of view.

01:02:39.620 I think what there isn't a lot of times is there's no, here's what there isn't.

01:02:46.860 There's never an apology.

01:02:49.420 Yeah.

01:02:49.860 There's never like, and from the industry, from whatever your, your idea in our heads of

01:02:56.140 what the industry is, what, there's never like, Hey, I'm, I'm sorry.

01:02:59.840 We didn't, you know, there's never.

01:03:02.760 And I think that sometimes like can be like, it's just an unforgiving business.

01:03:08.400 Yeah.

01:03:08.720 There's no apologies.

01:03:09.880 There's no whatever it'll.

01:03:11.520 And, and it's in the end, it's, it's just what I've learned about business.

01:03:15.340 That business is just, you know, like you said, it's somebody in an office who, you know,

01:03:21.340 finally Robbie Praw came and saw me downtown at the Wiltern and we crushed it.

01:03:26.420 And it was like, and he was really great, gracious backstage and like really kind.

01:03:29.960 And like, um, and it was different, like, you know, in my head, I'm always thinking

01:03:35.180 like, Oh, these people don't like me or they don't, you know, uh, you know, and, but all

01:03:42.940 that's just my side of the story.

01:03:44.480 They're just doing business.

01:03:45.400 They're not thinking about me.

01:03:46.360 They're just thinking about whatever they have to do that day in their business.

01:03:49.020 Like, like anybody else.

01:03:50.640 Yeah.

01:03:50.920 But there's never an apology.

01:03:52.040 That's, I think there's never, it's like that about a lot of things in life.

01:03:55.660 Like there's never, you know, there's never like your, maybe your dad behaved a certain

01:04:01.140 way when you were young.

01:04:02.100 There's, there's no way to get a, like a healing from it.

01:04:06.980 Sometimes there's just never a healing.

01:04:08.180 You have to do it all yourself.

01:04:09.620 Yeah.

01:04:10.000 You have to like, just forgive, you know, even if you made the war up in your own head

01:04:15.540 or whatever, you have to forgive.

01:04:16.960 You have to forgive.

01:04:18.040 You have to, there's never that moment of like, Hey, we were wrong, you know?

01:04:23.800 I, and I don't know if that's one thing about life.

01:04:26.320 That's kind of tough sometimes is, um, you know, cause I struggle with my relationship

01:04:30.160 with my mother and I, but at a certain point, it's like, what am I going to do?

01:04:33.120 How, like, you know, she's an older, she's getting older now.

01:04:37.200 It's like, all I can do is be forgiving, you know, just, I may never get whatever it was

01:04:44.860 I needed her to, you know, to say or to do that shit may have long sailed, you know?

01:04:48.980 Man, we are the same person, man.

01:04:51.300 Yeah, you're so right about that.

01:04:54.280 And it's hard.

01:04:55.180 It's a hard pill to swallow too.

01:04:56.980 It's a hard pill to swallow.

01:04:57.940 Ego is a motherfucker, bro.

01:05:00.060 It's scary, bro.

01:05:01.820 Look, I want to tell you that I have been having an issue getting a home mortgage loan and refinance.

01:05:08.940 And one of the reasons, cause I got a couple of dings on the credit.

01:05:13.080 You know, I call Experian and say, Hey boy, you danged up.

01:05:15.680 You banged up, son.

01:05:17.460 I didn't make a couple payments on time.

01:05:19.660 Timely payments, they say.

01:05:21.940 Well, thankfully, I'm working with a company called Bridge Credit Solutions.

01:05:26.620 They are different.

01:05:28.320 They are backed with 100% money back guarantee for any items they cannot remove.

01:05:34.340 That's right.

01:05:34.960 You will not find that anywhere in the credit repair industry.

01:05:37.720 You'll know exactly what you're paying for at the beginning of the repair.

01:05:42.320 Bridge Credit Solutions prides itself on its lightning quick turnaround time.

01:05:47.320 They will guarantee removal of certain negative items in as quick as 24 hours.

01:05:54.140 That's right.

01:05:55.360 Now, you will need to have Bridge Credit Report access prior to scheduling your audit.

01:06:01.040 They cannot go over your credit report without it, but that costs just $1.

01:06:07.080 They are very personable, and they take credit repair seriously.

01:06:10.860 You can call or text no matter the hour.

01:06:14.300 Go check them out.

01:06:15.040 They're helping me.

01:06:17.140 BridgeCreditSolutions.com slash Theo.

01:06:19.500 I see it with a lot of these, like, athletes, too.

01:06:22.560 You see them struggling with ego.

01:06:24.040 You know, Antonio Brown and, you know, Michael Thomas is having an issue this year, it seems

01:06:28.500 like, with the Saints.

01:06:29.340 Just, like, the hype and the, you know, just what it is.

01:06:33.620 I mean, that's a separate avenue, but just what that does to us thinking about ourselves.

01:06:39.140 Well, it's not us thinking.

01:06:40.580 What I meant by ego is, like, just being a little too prideful where you're like,

01:06:45.080 Right.

01:06:45.640 I know I'm right, and until you say sorry, then we can just not talk.

01:06:51.200 Yeah.

01:06:51.560 Right?

01:06:51.940 Is that what we're saying?

01:06:53.040 Oh, yeah.

01:06:53.540 Totally.

01:06:53.920 Yeah, that's a good point.

01:06:54.720 Yeah.

01:06:54.900 It's like, until you figure out your side of it.

01:06:57.000 Yeah.

01:06:57.480 But then sometimes it's like you're holding a grudge that's never going to be.

01:07:04.380 It's never going to be.

01:07:05.480 Completed from the other side.

01:07:06.640 Yep.

01:07:07.080 So then it just leaves you sitting there with the pieces, and it's like, okay, well, what

01:07:10.040 are you going to do?

01:07:10.880 Are you going to keep cutting your wrist with these pieces, or are you going to fucking, you

01:07:14.360 know, you're going to make them into like a stained glass window and fucking move on?

01:07:18.200 Yeah.

01:07:18.260 You know, it's like, but it's hard.

01:07:21.140 And sometimes you'll make the window, and that bitch will fall apart again, and you'll

01:07:23.640 fucking get them back out.

01:07:24.780 So true.

01:07:26.180 It's crazy, man.

01:07:27.060 Oh, fuck, it's on the ground again.

01:07:28.540 Yeah.

01:07:28.780 It's so beautiful for a minute.

01:07:30.500 Yeah.

01:07:31.500 For a weekend.

01:07:32.700 It made sense.

01:07:34.000 It's back on the fucking ground.

01:07:35.640 It's going to take me months to fix.

01:07:37.880 But then also, it's like, you don't, like, I think you don't realize, like, that you're

01:07:41.900 the story for people a lot of times.

01:07:43.620 Like, man, Joe Coy had to make his own, had to convince these people, like, had to, and

01:07:49.360 to me, it would be the most obvious thing.

01:07:51.220 Like, you know, it always seemed like they're making, they're looking for diversity.

01:07:54.120 They're looking for, you know, who else, what other, what are they going to get, Manny

01:07:58.640 Pacquiao to fucking tell jokes?

01:08:00.240 Like, he can't even hold the microphone, the gloves.

01:08:02.220 That's crazy.

01:08:02.760 I see them, I see them, it kept slipping.

01:08:04.840 This microphone, it needs to be stickier.

01:08:10.340 So, it's like, what was their plan?

01:08:12.140 How do they, and then, and then the gift you also give them by reaching this audience.

01:08:17.140 Yeah, man.

01:08:17.540 Like, fuck, bro, that's a huge gift.

01:08:20.520 And so, it's hard sometimes to feel when you've been burned to then turn around and realize

01:08:25.220 that now you're just gifting, you know, even more of, you know, of an audience to this

01:08:33.120 already huge, you know, conglomerate.

01:08:35.620 But that's just.

01:08:36.500 I'm just happy that, that you and I live in that time where we got to show these kids that,

01:08:43.720 hey, you got to open these doors.

01:08:45.520 Yeah.

01:08:46.240 No matter how many.

01:08:46.960 People did it.

01:08:47.520 Huh?

01:08:47.760 People also did it by coming to see us, by not giving, like, fans, that's what it is,

01:08:51.440 support.

01:08:52.240 You know, people are like, I'm going to go see Joe Coy make this special because I know

01:08:56.320 that he brings joy, you know, to me.

01:08:59.000 Or I'm going to go be there at the Wiltern and have a great time.

01:09:02.740 And all those people don't realize that all of that goes into that moment where, like,

01:09:09.180 the executive finally says, oh, okay, this is a new piece of business for us.

01:09:13.160 Yeah, exactly, because that's how they see it.

01:09:15.540 You're so right, man.

01:09:16.680 It's just, it's tough when art and your heart meet, you know, when art and business meet

01:09:24.820 each other.

01:09:25.940 It's just, it's a, it's just a tough thing, man.

01:09:29.640 It is.

01:09:30.260 Here's a fellow right here who has a, wants to chime in.

01:09:32.960 Yeah.

01:09:33.280 He looks like he's been growing a baby hair mustache for a long time.

01:09:36.240 Oh, yeah.

01:09:36.840 This guy definitely.

01:09:37.620 What's up, Theo?

01:09:38.000 What's up, Joe?

01:09:38.580 Hey, what's up?

01:09:39.120 My name's Troy.

01:09:39.740 I live in Ohio.

01:09:40.900 I just got home from work.

01:09:42.440 Long day at the office.

01:09:43.600 A question to you two is, how do you stay positive knowing that your dreams are pretty

01:09:50.480 much in the gutter?

01:09:51.780 You had to cash in that corporate check in order to pay for some bills and didn't end

01:09:58.900 up getting that dream.

01:10:01.060 You know, both of y'all are standard comedians.

01:10:03.080 Both of y'all do your thing.

01:10:04.120 But for those others out there, people like me, what do we got to say so we can keep on

01:10:09.860 trucking?

01:10:10.160 Man, how crazy that you press play to that video after we just said this.

01:10:15.440 And that's just like crazy.

01:10:17.040 Nick's on point, man.

01:10:18.400 Nick does a great job.

01:10:20.320 But man, like there's a lot of people like out there that think like that, you know,

01:10:26.300 and like, yo, it's done for me.

01:10:29.220 Did you think like that at a point?

01:10:30.520 Yes.

01:10:30.620 So take us there and then take us out of there.

01:10:32.320 Bro, when I was working at at Nordstrom Rack, I swear, and Tony Rock just got a deal with

01:10:39.520 some.

01:10:40.440 I forgot what the show was, but it was being produced by Will Smith.

01:10:43.720 And, you know, and we're doing the Laugh Factory every night and I'm at Nordstrom Rack.

01:10:48.800 I'm crushing every night, bro.

01:10:50.880 Oh, I'm wearing waiter's outfits.

01:10:52.920 I got mustard and shit on my chest and I'm crushing, you know, alongside Tony and Dane

01:10:59.260 and Bob Saget.

01:11:00.620 Like I'm fucking slaying, bro.

01:11:03.560 But then I'm shelving shoes and I'm trying to buy diapers and I'm just trying to make

01:11:07.340 these DVDs to sell.

01:11:08.800 And barely shelving shoes.

01:11:10.000 I'll be honest at Nordstrom Rack.

01:11:11.380 Yeah, man.

01:11:12.060 Rarely do you get a match.

01:11:13.980 Rarely.

01:11:14.440 And by the way, when I say shelving shoes, I'm just grabbing the shit that's on the floor

01:11:17.900 and throwing it back on the rack.

01:11:19.600 Oh, I've left in a sandal and a boot.

01:11:21.000 Oh, 100.

01:11:23.160 Easily, dog.

01:11:23.900 Oh, man.

01:11:24.600 When they always came to ask me for a size, I go back there.

01:11:27.960 I literally went back there to not look for that fucking size.

01:11:31.940 I gave two shits.

01:11:33.420 It was a five minute break for me and I came back in.

01:11:36.120 I'm like, I can't find it.

01:11:37.640 I think someone that tried it on left it out there.

01:11:40.980 Good luck.

01:11:42.080 And you just see this bitch like, well, my God, can someone pick up these fucking shoes?

01:11:46.600 There's so many.

01:11:47.640 It was like supermarket sweep for your feet, I feel like, in that store.

01:11:50.640 Oh, for real.

01:11:51.000 That was just insane.

01:11:52.180 Get the hands.

01:11:53.080 I remember I was walking down the aisle because I had to pick up shoes and put them in a trash

01:11:57.560 can.

01:11:58.240 And then you fill up the trash can and then you restock it, right?

01:12:02.060 As I'm going down each aisle, there's a lady that had a shoe on and it didn't work and she

01:12:06.820 just kicked it.

01:12:07.880 And we both, our eyes locked.

01:12:09.640 I'm like, you bitch.

01:12:10.940 And then she's like, I'll get it.

01:12:12.360 I'm like, yeah, bitch, go get it.

01:12:14.220 And won't you get the rest?

01:12:16.540 You're the reason for this mess.

01:12:18.940 You bitch.

01:12:19.860 She's just in there, this Ursula footwear.

01:12:21.960 Yeah, yeah.

01:12:22.380 She's just trying them on and kicking them off.

01:12:24.380 But what I was saying is, dude, there was times where I wanted to quit, man.

01:12:28.900 I just wanted to quit.

01:12:30.300 I was getting so mad.

01:12:32.460 You know, you see all these guys just getting stuff, man.

01:12:35.460 And you're just like, dude, what am I doing?

01:12:37.520 Why am I doing this?

01:12:38.300 Even my mom was telling me, just get a full-time job already.

01:12:41.480 Like your son's getting older now and not older, but he was like two.

01:12:45.880 But she's like, you got to start thinking about, you know, school.

01:12:48.960 What kind of school?

01:12:49.880 What kind of insurance are you going to get your son?

01:12:51.840 Like you don't have a job.

01:12:53.400 Like you're working part-time.

01:12:54.520 And that shit is in your ear, but it's also like reality.

01:12:59.260 You're like, yeah, I got to start thinking about my son.

01:13:02.320 Maybe I'll go be a manager at a bank or something.

01:13:05.440 Like I'll throw in the towel.

01:13:06.520 I don't know.

01:13:07.720 So yeah, a lot of that was happening.

01:13:09.460 But I was like, no, I refuse.

01:13:12.360 I couldn't do it, man.

01:13:14.080 I just kept selling to it.

01:13:15.180 You know, I shot it.

01:13:16.160 There's an hour special floating out there.

01:13:17.940 I know someone has it.

01:13:19.220 But I remember paying someone 500 bucks or something like that for like three cameras

01:13:24.240 to go shoot me somewhere.

01:13:25.680 And I was going to sell that as my special because everyone else was getting specials.

01:13:29.500 And I couldn't get one.

01:13:30.640 I was like, I need a special.

01:13:31.960 And I went and shot it.

01:13:32.820 It was like somewhere on Sunset Boulevard, some art museum or something like that.

01:13:37.140 And I went and shot it.

01:13:38.320 And it's out there.

01:13:40.000 Yeah, it's floating out there somewhere, man.

01:13:42.040 That's awesome.

01:13:42.720 Yeah.

01:13:43.360 That would crush if you got your hands on that.

01:13:45.300 I know.

01:13:46.060 Crazy, right?

01:13:46.920 Yeah, I'd find that and sell that.

01:13:49.220 Crazy, right?

01:13:50.400 You know, I used to burn DVDs of my friend Chris.

01:13:52.640 Oh, yeah.

01:13:53.140 Did you buy the three disc tower and you burn them like that?

01:13:55.600 Yes.

01:13:55.880 Yeah, I did that too, dude.

01:13:57.260 I'd cart that thing.

01:13:58.140 I'd put it in my bag.

01:14:01.100 Take it to wherever to fucking Looney Bin or whatever.

01:14:04.420 Set that bitch up in the hotel.

01:14:06.600 What?

01:14:07.200 And burn those things.

01:14:09.000 Burn them.

01:14:09.340 I would write the name of the DVD on it.

01:14:13.060 Dude, some of the sketches on it, they weren't even fucking mine.

01:14:15.480 They were the shit I'd found on the internet that I brought on.

01:14:18.260 That's funny.

01:14:19.540 That's so funny.

01:14:20.220 Oh, totally, bro.

01:14:21.280 There was some shit that some of it was just like this black guy singing, dude.

01:14:24.600 There was like, I don't even know what this shit is.

01:14:26.360 Bro, how funny is that?

01:14:27.540 Yeah, you buy it.

01:14:28.180 It was Theo's favorite things to watch.

01:14:32.000 That was the name of your DVD?

01:14:33.520 And one time.

01:14:34.200 Hey, guys, I'm Theo Vaughn.

01:14:35.720 These are some of the funniest things I like to watch.

01:14:38.220 Thank you for buying it.

01:14:41.460 Dude, one time a lady, I just sold her the case on accident.

01:14:45.980 She got home and came the next day.

01:14:47.580 Oh, there was no DVD in it?

01:14:49.440 Broke my heart, man.

01:14:50.320 And I would print off down in the lobby of the business area.

01:14:53.960 I would print off all the little DVD inserts and put those things in, man.

01:14:58.000 That's so funny.

01:14:59.280 You want to know what I did?

01:15:01.120 I, my friend Chris worked at Blockbuster Video.

01:15:04.740 And they would buy DVDs, right?

01:15:07.280 But it would be Sony and all that, right?

01:15:09.640 The covers.

01:15:10.820 But they wanted their covers to say Blockbuster on the inside of it.

01:15:14.680 So they would take those covers and throw them away and replace those covers with,

01:15:19.700 uh, Blockbuster covers.

01:15:21.660 Wow.

01:15:22.140 And they would have garbage bags full.

01:15:24.860 Bro.

01:15:26.000 That's nice.

01:15:26.320 I had thousands of Blockbuster, like, whatever, those covers.

01:15:30.340 You know what I'm talking about?

01:15:30.920 Yeah, yeah.

01:15:31.260 Those cases.

01:15:31.820 I had cases.

01:15:33.000 That's what they were called.

01:15:33.840 I had so many of those, man.

01:15:35.360 That's classy.

01:15:36.140 And that's, and that's what I, I put my sleeve in that.

01:15:39.280 It looked like a legit DVD, bro.

01:15:41.200 That's awesome.

01:15:41.740 I even scanned a barcode and it's in the bottom right corner.

01:15:44.560 No.

01:15:44.980 I'll, I'll, I'll send you a picture of it.

01:15:46.740 I, I think it's like, it's probably soup.

01:15:48.940 Yeah.

01:15:49.420 If you scan it, it'll probably say Campbell's.

01:15:51.480 I'm not even joking.

01:15:53.900 I even got the logo that said DVD and I put it on the, on the spine of the thing.

01:15:58.100 Yeah.

01:15:58.480 I went and got those printed off at a, a legit printing company.

01:16:01.720 It said Joe Coy's DVD volume one because Jay-Z had a volume one.

01:16:09.420 I sold those for five bucks a pop.

01:16:11.600 Oh, but you buy a stack for a hundred bucks, right?

01:16:15.740 Yeah.

01:16:16.140 It was a stack for a hundred bucks.

01:16:17.360 You get a hundred DVDs and I sold them for five bucks a pop, man.

01:16:20.580 After profit.

01:16:21.540 I mean, your profit was 400.

01:16:23.020 Oh, you can make, yeah.

01:16:23.780 Dude, if you were making some money, man, cause you, you didn't make any money going to do

01:16:28.240 the weekend.

01:16:28.720 No, you never made money on those weekends.

01:16:31.160 Dude, I remember I went 20, over about 10 years, I had 27,000, I think in credit card

01:16:36.180 debt just from doing the road, you know?

01:16:39.220 And it was just, man, that was scary.

01:16:42.520 That was, that was pretty scary.

01:16:43.820 It's rough, man.

01:16:44.360 But I think with having a dream or how you bounce back into it, man, I think one thing

01:16:48.240 that's interesting about these days is you can, you can start so many new things.

01:16:53.000 Like you couldn't back in the day.

01:16:54.680 Yeah.

01:16:55.220 You know, like rarely back in the day did someone go from being like a realist, like a miner

01:16:59.800 in a coal mine, like a real estate, you know?

01:17:02.660 But you could do fracking now.

01:17:04.320 And then two months later, you could be mixing beats.

01:17:07.020 Like you'd be DJing weddings.

01:17:10.160 And I think there's unique ways you can find to create talent and create like some type

01:17:15.320 of revenue for yourself if you want.

01:17:17.220 You know what I said the other day?

01:17:21.200 With all the tools that these kids have now, right?

01:17:23.880 They have so many tools, man.

01:17:25.280 You can make your own book.

01:17:26.500 You can make your own magazine.

01:17:27.780 You can make your own movie in the palm of your hand.

01:17:29.700 And it's getting easier.

01:17:30.980 Legit, your own movie.

01:17:32.560 Your camera is legit this close to being a red camera.

01:17:35.780 Yeah.

01:17:36.180 Like it's, the quality is so good.

01:17:38.640 And everything is in the palm of your hands.

01:17:40.920 And what I'm trying to say is, if you're not doing something because you have an excuse

01:17:47.120 because you need something else, you're literally just lazy.

01:17:50.880 Right.

01:17:51.700 And that's your only problem.

01:17:54.180 It has nothing to do with what you got or how much money you got or I need this or I need

01:18:00.260 that.

01:18:00.620 You are literally lazy.

01:18:02.900 You're a lazy person.

01:18:04.120 And that's the only thing you need to work on.

01:18:06.080 And you can, and that's something that can be kind of cured, you know?

01:18:08.760 And not even to look at it like, also maximizing your laziness.

01:18:12.720 Yeah, man.

01:18:13.080 You know, like if you're going to be lazy, be lazy, but also have some semblance of a

01:18:16.680 plan of when you're not going to be.

01:18:18.260 Yeah, man.

01:18:19.480 But yeah, I think, I feel like, you know, your dreams can change at any time.

01:18:23.060 I mean, Nick was a degenerate gambler.

01:18:25.800 Yeah.

01:18:26.300 And a drunk.

01:18:26.960 Nick, yeah, thank you.

01:18:28.200 Nick dropped out of school.

01:18:29.760 I have both of those things still, so.

01:18:31.420 Yeah.

01:18:32.620 I want you, I want everyone to know, I know Nick as well.

01:18:36.140 That's right, you know him from a Corolla.

01:18:37.660 And he would roll up and go, hey man, the trunk of my car is missing.

01:18:43.700 Where is it?

01:18:44.900 It's behind a bar.

01:18:46.980 Yeah.

01:18:47.400 And then when I did get fired, yeah, Theo likes to say, pick me up off the free agent

01:18:50.640 wire.

01:18:51.660 Yeah, he was on CBS Sports Fantasy, yeah.

01:18:53.860 Yeah.

01:18:54.340 He was always great, man.

01:18:56.660 Nick was always great.

01:18:57.920 Yeah.

01:18:58.800 Yeah, man.

01:18:59.180 Nick's one of a kind, man.

01:19:00.080 He's a unique guy.

01:19:01.160 He's a degenerate gambler.

01:19:02.800 But Nick was living in his car, and Nick went to Vegas to play cards.

01:19:05.660 He's, it's close.

01:19:08.200 I played, I played full-time online poker after college, and I dropped out.

01:19:12.380 Nice.

01:19:12.440 But then, separately, I just quit my job, full-time job in Minneapolis, and drove out here and

01:19:16.840 lived in my car until I got the internship at Corolla.

01:19:19.400 Wow.

01:19:19.660 And he hired me full-time.

01:19:21.080 But like, literally to work in podcasting.

01:19:23.120 So, I think there's ways, yeah, there's just like, I think there's different times in your

01:19:27.080 life, too, when it is tougher.

01:19:28.440 Like, this gentleman's saying, you know, he might be at a different point in his life.

01:19:32.180 You might have a wife or kids, some responsibilities.

01:19:34.140 You might have a family member you're responsible for taking care of.

01:19:36.940 Yeah.

01:19:37.320 There's a guy, Justin McClure.

01:19:38.740 Will you look him up real quick on Facebook?

01:19:40.520 So, he's a comedian, and he ended up getting married, and he has two daughters.

01:19:45.600 And now, they have a, like, a Facebook Live show that's like a really popular show.

01:19:53.120 Really?

01:19:53.840 And he just, you know, we worked together a couple of times.

01:19:58.100 Really, really nice guy, hard worker.

01:20:01.500 And he just kind of figured out how to make something work for him.

01:20:05.820 And now, they have like a family show that, you know, that helps bring in revenue for their

01:20:10.260 family and stuff like that.

01:20:12.080 Oh, really?

01:20:13.160 It's on Facebook.

01:20:13.740 That's cool, man.

01:20:15.920 When you travel down that path, and you stay on that path, it eventually works out.

01:20:20.100 It works out for something.

01:20:21.200 I think, like, sometimes you don't know where the path is going to go, and that's the hardest

01:20:24.640 part.

01:20:25.500 Like, knowing, like, because I used to do this thing called crank texting, where I would

01:20:29.260 just text strangers, right?

01:20:30.720 Like, just text random phone numbers.

01:20:32.540 Yeah.

01:20:33.100 And I would just say, hey, what's up, right?

01:20:35.120 Yeah.

01:20:35.640 And then I'd get into a conversation sometimes, and somebody would think I was an old friend

01:20:39.940 or something.

01:20:40.360 Hey, is this Randall?

01:20:41.200 And it's like, yeah, I haven't heard from you in a while.

01:20:42.940 And then next thing you know, I'm asking if I can come stay the night.

01:20:45.860 And it's like, you know, I'm in this crazy conversation that makes no sense, right?

01:20:49.100 Yeah.

01:20:49.200 It's not even real.

01:20:49.980 Yeah.

01:20:50.540 Like, I was in relationships with people.

01:20:52.600 No.

01:20:53.120 Oh, bro.

01:20:53.620 Crazy stuff.

01:20:54.940 Crazy stuff.

01:20:56.160 So, I mean, I texted probably about 40,000 numbers over a couple of year period.

01:20:59.540 Are you serious?

01:21:00.360 Dude, I was so lonely.

01:21:01.120 I would text.

01:21:02.500 I would text batches.

01:21:03.680 Wait, this is when you were on the road, or you were just doing this?

01:21:06.360 This was all the time.

01:21:07.080 You did bring up crank text, Nick?

01:21:08.180 Like, this was all the time.

01:21:10.940 I would just start texting strangers.

01:21:12.500 Yeah, I just got into it.

01:21:13.440 And sometimes I would just text just a group of people, you know?

01:21:18.360 Just cranktext.com.

01:21:22.900 Do you renew this domain every year?

01:21:25.580 I think so.

01:21:29.020 Let's just see if it's still up.

01:21:30.580 So, obviously, it needs to be adjusted here for the screen somehow.

01:21:35.880 But, yeah, you get into different conversations.

01:21:37.860 Like, I would text people in a certain area code, like in Indiana, and I'd be like, we're

01:21:41.120 raising money for Civil War reenactments after school team, right?

01:21:45.800 And you get into real conversations.

01:21:47.600 People start leaving you voicemails, and next thing you know, you have this whole conversation.

01:21:50.640 Then you can take it, and you post it in here, right?

01:21:53.660 So, you get into, like, you know, this one was one I would text.

01:21:56.300 Thank you for, what's that?

01:21:57.440 The Hellman's one.

01:21:58.620 Thank you for entering the Love Your Hellman's contest.

01:22:00.760 We'll be contacting you once the judges have reviewed all entries.

01:22:03.880 Good luck, and thank you for loving your Hellman's.

01:22:06.020 So, you just send that to strangers, and people are like, what in the fuck are you talking about, dude?

01:22:10.280 Or you send them a picture, you know?

01:22:12.500 Oh, Hellman's, man.

01:22:14.040 And then they have to reply.

01:22:15.600 Anyway, but anyway, I got into insane conversations.

01:22:17.940 I would text a group of people, and I would be like, oh, Ricky won third place.

01:22:21.660 And I would get a picture of an Asian kid with a trophy and just send it to all of them in a mass text, right?

01:22:26.060 And so, somebody would be like, who's Ricky, right?

01:22:29.500 And somebody would be like, take me off this chain, right?

01:22:31.860 And somebody would be like, oh, bless his heart, man.

01:22:34.340 And then somebody else would be like, who in the fuck is this, man?

01:22:38.120 And I'd be like, if some of you guys cared, if you had been there, if you cared more, you'd have been there to see him win, right?

01:22:43.340 Yeah.

01:22:43.540 So, anyway, I'd get in this crazy conversation with people, and I would just save them and put them online.

01:22:48.220 Anyway, fast forward.

01:22:49.740 That was your idea?

01:22:50.840 Right.

01:22:51.060 That was my idea, right?

01:22:51.840 This was probably a decade ago.

01:22:53.180 So, Howie Mandel was looking for somebody to host a prank show.

01:22:56.500 Yeah.

01:22:56.980 So, I had done this for years, man.

01:22:59.400 I'd spent a ton of money paying people to edit them up.

01:23:02.980 Spent a ton of time.

01:23:04.460 Yeah.

01:23:04.600 A ton of time.

01:23:05.120 And he's like, oh, I like your prank website.

01:23:09.900 And so, that's how I got a job hosting his prank show.

01:23:12.940 So, he saw it.

01:23:13.920 He saw it, yeah.

01:23:15.200 And so, it was like, I'd spent all this time doing it, and it wasn't getting anywhere.

01:23:21.260 Yeah.

01:23:21.740 I just didn't have the PR to make it pop.

01:23:25.000 And then it got me a job on his show.

01:23:28.280 And it wasn't, you know, it wasn't like my type of show, really, but it was a great opportunity.

01:23:33.160 It gave me enough money where I was able to then to pay back the comedy debt that I built up.

01:23:37.880 Yeah.

01:23:38.160 And you also have a relationship with Howie.

01:23:40.180 And now I still have a relationship with Howie, which is great.

01:23:42.420 So, which then introduced me.

01:23:43.980 He got me on, like, Arsenio Hall one time to perform.

01:23:47.080 Just little things.

01:23:48.040 So, it's just like, you just don't know what you're doing now where it could end you up sometimes.

01:23:55.040 Yo, and when you give up on that, it's gone.

01:23:57.780 Or when you stray off that path, you know what I mean, and go off into a different direction.

01:24:02.220 And if your heart isn't that way, nothing's going to happen, right?

01:24:07.000 Yeah, your heart has to be there, though.

01:24:08.040 Your heart has to be here.

01:24:09.300 And no matter how bad the struggle is, as long as your heart is there, things will happen.

01:24:14.480 I keep saying that.

01:24:16.140 Like, every time I go on this road, something just comes into my path.

01:24:23.900 It just happens.

01:24:25.780 You know what I mean?

01:24:26.280 And then next thing you know, this relationship starts.

01:24:28.880 And next thing you know, I'm building this.

01:24:30.060 And now I'm writing this.

01:24:31.600 And that's what it is.

01:24:32.920 It's just staying here, man.

01:24:34.520 Once you give up and stray off.

01:24:36.080 Like, if I would have became a manager like my mom wanted me to be, I'd be at Wells Fargo going,

01:24:40.660 Hey, man, let me tell you this one joke that I got.

01:24:44.000 You're going to love this one.

01:24:45.860 Oh, God.

01:24:46.580 Here comes that manager guy.

01:24:47.780 Here he comes again.

01:24:49.060 Here comes Zinger.

01:24:50.720 He's always got a pocket full of Zingers.

01:24:53.640 When I was living in my car, I started a website.

01:24:57.520 Because they just released this thing on NFL.com.

01:24:59.640 It was called the All-22 Cam.

01:25:00.880 So you could actually see the place.

01:25:02.180 Because you can't see that on TV.

01:25:03.500 You can see what the safeties are doing.

01:25:04.540 And I wanted to break down the X's and O's.

01:25:06.100 And I bought a website called PackersFilmRoom.com.

01:25:08.760 And I didn't know what I was doing.

01:25:09.580 But I learned how to build a website.

01:25:10.920 And I was living in my car.

01:25:12.020 So, like, $150 for a domain at that time was a significant amount of money.

01:25:16.560 And it went for nothing.

01:25:17.740 It didn't do anything.

01:25:18.220 But I learned how to build a website and a bunch of that stuff.

01:25:20.520 When I got hired at Corolla, I immediately started doing some of that stuff for them.

01:25:24.660 And I just learned it.

01:25:25.640 Yeah.

01:25:26.120 So at that time, it was a scary investment.

01:25:28.820 But you were so – your heart was in it that – thank God you did that.

01:25:33.980 Because it gave you the tools that you needed when you did get the opportunity.

01:25:38.720 Right?

01:25:39.380 Doing something is always better than doing nothing.

01:25:41.700 I guess what we're trying to say is risk.

01:25:44.220 Yeah, some risk.

01:25:44.860 There's risk takers.

01:25:46.040 There's risk takers, yeah.

01:25:47.100 But also, you don't know what the things you've been doing, where those elements are going to be needed.

01:25:52.160 Yeah.

01:25:52.280 Or when that value is going to pay off.

01:25:54.220 Yes.

01:25:54.820 You just don't know when that value is going to pay off sometimes, man.

01:25:58.620 You know, now Nick has another MMA podcast.

01:26:01.500 And they do – they talk about gambling on fights, right?

01:26:04.040 Mm-hmm.

01:26:04.220 So he probably didn't know.

01:26:05.820 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:26:06.600 I haven't really put one out.

01:26:07.840 But I'll put some content online.

01:26:09.180 And people, like, are into it.

01:26:10.320 It's fun.

01:26:11.000 And it's just what I like to do.

01:26:12.200 But who knows, you know, who knows a decade ago when he's, you know, just, you know, playing online poker.

01:26:17.460 You just don't know sometimes.

01:26:18.780 Mm-hmm.

01:26:18.940 And you still don't know.

01:26:19.820 That's the amazing thing about life is that it'd be like, oh, I still didn't realize this little thing that happened so long ago.

01:26:25.240 Yeah.

01:26:25.640 Is going to pay this unique dividend in a financial way or a spiritual way or all types of ways, man.

01:26:33.120 That's crazy, man.

01:26:34.620 My live from Seattle, the special that I had to shoot, the opening joke was a joke I wrote when I opened for Corey Holcomb on some nightclub that was out in – what is that freeway?

01:26:49.920 The 18 or whatever?

01:26:50.840 Just some weird freeway when you're going towards Magic Mountain.

01:26:53.340 And then it goes Palmdale.

01:26:55.040 It was out in Palmdale.

01:26:56.240 Damn.

01:26:56.460 And I was opening for Corey Holcomb.

01:26:58.500 And it was at a nightclub.

01:27:00.300 No one was allowed to sit on the dance floor.

01:27:01.940 They sat on the outside of the dance floor.

01:27:03.920 We performed in the middle of the dance floor because the owner didn't want you to scratch up the dance floor with chairs and tables.

01:27:11.940 With your jokes.

01:27:12.960 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:27:13.700 Don't scratch up the dance floor with your shit jokes.

01:27:15.840 So I went up.

01:27:17.180 I killed.

01:27:18.040 By the way, every comic always says they kill, right?

01:27:20.440 So I killed.

01:27:21.940 And then we're driving back.

01:27:23.600 And I'm not getting any love from Corey.

01:27:25.860 Ooh.

01:27:26.460 You know what I mean?

01:27:27.500 I'm like, so now I got to bait him into a compliment.

01:27:30.420 And I'm like, yo, man, I destroyed that shit, right?

01:27:32.420 And he's like, yeah, but still don't know who the fuck you are, motherfucker.

01:27:39.220 And I'm like, what?

01:27:40.160 What do you mean?

01:27:40.580 Like, I don't know who the fuck you are.

01:27:42.600 Like, who are you, Joe Coy?

01:27:44.460 Like, you just did a bunch of bullshit.

01:27:46.660 Like, you did all that.

01:27:49.460 Basically, I was just doing the easy shit, right?

01:27:51.720 To be funny.

01:27:52.500 Right.

01:27:52.720 But I don't know who you are.

01:27:55.100 Like, who are you?

01:27:55.900 What are you?

01:27:57.160 And then I swear to God, man, that whole ride was just kind of like, I mean, we were still

01:28:00.780 joking around.

01:28:01.320 But in my head, I was like, fuck, I got to write about who I am.

01:28:06.880 Wow.

01:28:07.160 And I, by the way, I was still opening for Corey, by the way.

01:28:12.220 And I tell this story in my book because it was such a, it was one of those moments where

01:28:17.120 you get hip checked and you get hip checked hard because I was killing so much.

01:28:21.900 I thought, oh, that's, I'm a comic.

01:28:23.880 I'm a comedian.

01:28:24.480 Oh, yeah, I'm doing it.

01:28:25.380 Until you open for a veteran and he's like, who the fuck are you, bro?

01:28:29.560 Like, what's your voice?

01:28:31.140 Do you know your voice?

01:28:32.260 What are you?

01:28:33.460 And, oh, there it is.

01:28:35.180 Mixed play.

01:28:35.540 And I went home and I literally was just, I couldn't even sleep, Theo.

01:28:39.720 I just kept looking at the ceiling, just like trying to figure out how do I tell people

01:28:44.140 who I am?

01:28:44.900 And I never talk about my dad.

01:28:46.660 How can I say my dad real quick without going into it too deep?

01:28:50.400 And that's that opening line that I say in that special for Live from Seattle was written

01:28:57.040 that night from Corey Holcomb, like 14 years ago.

01:29:02.640 Wow.

01:29:03.060 It was a 14-year-old joke that I never used.

01:29:06.140 Isn't that crazy?

01:29:07.140 It's crazy, man.

01:29:08.160 There's jokes that I'll be afraid to use for a long time, you know, for some reason.

01:29:12.180 And they'll finally come to the surface.

01:29:13.640 But yeah, it's amazing, man.

01:29:14.640 Mixed plate.

01:29:15.180 That's the book, guys, if you want to grab it.

01:29:16.780 Yeah, man.

01:29:17.500 Pre-order.

01:29:18.580 It's not out yet.

01:29:19.700 No, March.

01:29:20.840 Wow.

01:29:21.220 It was supposed to be out this year, but I can't do a book tour.

01:29:24.400 Oh, yeah.

01:29:25.540 So we want to wait till it opens up.

01:29:27.440 We might postpone it.

01:29:28.540 We don't know.

01:29:29.080 But I still want to be on the road when that book comes out.

01:29:32.820 Yeah, it'll be fun.

01:29:33.580 Yeah, man.

01:29:34.460 Just to interact with people about it.

01:29:35.740 We both did that Sam Adams deal.

01:29:38.000 Man, that was because of you.

01:29:39.340 Yeah, it was cool.

01:29:40.080 I wasn't even supposed to be on that thing.

01:29:41.560 That was a good deal.

01:29:42.020 Theo called.

01:29:43.360 I'm glad I did.

01:29:44.040 It was that yours was really cute, man.

01:29:45.780 Theo, Theo's amazing.

01:29:47.260 I want everyone to know that.

01:29:48.660 I thought yours was cool, man.

01:29:49.660 Let's watch it real quick.

01:29:51.400 Oh, man.

01:29:52.520 Telling jokes.

01:29:53.400 We're living.

01:29:54.020 This is my dream come true.

01:29:55.900 Always wanted to be a comic.

01:29:57.440 And I love it.

01:30:01.260 I'm Joe Coy.

01:30:02.440 Stand-up comedian.

01:30:04.940 And I'm here to toast my mother.

01:30:06.460 That two-pack, baby.

01:30:07.760 Josephine Harrison.

01:30:09.020 Without her, none of this would have happened.

01:30:11.700 I think a lot of people forget to just be grateful.

01:30:15.200 People do stuff for us, and then we just act as if that's what they were supposed to do.

01:30:19.260 Yeah.

01:30:19.640 It also sucks when you help somebody, and they walk by, and you're like,

01:30:22.780 son of a bitch, didn't even thank me.

01:30:24.460 Ungrateful shit.

01:30:26.480 My mom sacrificed everything to give me the opportunity to live my dream.

01:30:31.220 And this toast was the best opportunity for me to say thank you.

01:30:34.760 You know, when my mom and dad divorced, I was right around 10, 11, and she became everything.

01:30:40.020 She was pretty much the backbone of the entire family.

01:30:43.600 When I said I wanted to be a comic, her head was like, what?

01:30:47.240 Are you crazy?

01:30:49.880 Is that your house?

01:30:50.400 I remember working in a store still doing stand-up at night, and my mom was just like,

01:30:54.140 I told you, stop doing this.

01:30:56.440 You're going to be broke.

01:30:57.540 No.

01:30:58.920 We live in a country where dreams are possible, and it can happen.

01:31:02.460 Just give me some time.

01:31:04.840 Since day one, I wanted to make sure that the world could laugh, and when I tell your story

01:31:11.940 on stage, it's something that I'm very proud of.

01:31:14.380 For years, I was like, how am I going to talk about my mom?

01:31:17.260 I didn't want to go up on stage and just be like, oh, I'm Filipino, and Filipinos do this.

01:31:21.040 If you listen, you're going to be like, oh, my mom does the same shit.

01:31:25.740 I mean, you're doing great, and I'm proud of you.

01:31:28.460 You wanted me to be a lawyer.

01:31:29.920 Well.

01:31:30.420 We digress.

01:31:32.200 Now I see being a comedian, my goodness.

01:31:34.860 I mean, you're 1,000% secure.

01:31:38.200 Sam Adams, it's grassroots, it's family.

01:31:41.600 What I take from that is the same thing that I got from my mom, and that's why Sam Adams

01:31:46.300 is the best beer for this toast.

01:31:49.280 The reason why I brought you here today is I wanted to toast you.

01:31:52.900 This is hard.

01:31:54.040 Harder than I thought.

01:31:56.380 Pretty lady, man.

01:31:58.260 Woo.

01:31:59.460 It's a little too much.

01:32:00.680 When you came to this country, it was to give the kids an opportunity that you knew that

01:32:05.180 you would never have.

01:32:06.460 Everywhere I go, people will be yelling your name, and they clap their hand, and I know

01:32:10.960 it's because of you.

01:32:12.660 Oh, that's good.

01:32:13.580 So I also want you to know that I'm so proud of you.

01:32:16.980 You see, you started this.

01:32:18.480 You're the reason why I've been able to do this.

01:32:20.920 Thank you for everything you've sacrificed.

01:32:26.340 So this is for you, and I love you.

01:32:29.940 Did your mom drink beer or not?

01:32:30.900 And I toast you.

01:32:31.460 Ah, you got me all.

01:32:32.980 I love you so much.

01:32:33.940 Thank you.

01:32:34.480 Oh, I'm always crying here.

01:32:35.920 I got a lot of words.

01:32:36.580 I'm crying too.

01:32:37.920 That's good.

01:32:38.680 Yeah, that's good.

01:32:39.920 I love you, mom.

01:32:40.440 That's cool, man.

01:32:41.000 That's cool, man.

01:32:41.020 I love you, too.

01:32:42.040 You want some more?

01:32:43.480 Yes.

01:32:43.940 Yeah?

01:32:44.320 You want some more?

01:32:45.780 What the fuck?

01:32:47.520 That's cool.

01:32:47.760 Why'd you do that?

01:32:49.080 Bro, I didn't plan on watching it all the way through, but it's nice.

01:32:52.240 It's a nice sentiment, man.

01:32:53.740 You know, it's important, man.

01:32:54.820 Oh, man.

01:32:55.780 You know, it's hard to have moments like that with our parents, I think.

01:32:59.200 It's hard to get to those moments and then actually follow through and actually have

01:33:03.000 them.

01:33:03.300 Yeah.

01:33:03.620 Like, sometimes I'll have an idea in my head, like, okay, I want to talk to my mom about

01:33:07.080 this or say this or, you know, tell a family member this, but when it comes down to the

01:33:11.740 moment, I just don't really follow through the way I want to.

01:33:16.420 I'll back off at a moment when I have a feeling of some sort that's uncomfortable.

01:33:20.220 Yeah, you're right.

01:33:21.640 It's weird, man.

01:33:22.580 It is weird.

01:33:23.460 But it's important.

01:33:24.980 You know, it's important, bro.

01:33:26.380 That was cool.

01:33:27.420 I didn't know he was crying.

01:33:28.820 I was trying to fight my dad.

01:33:29.960 Did you see me, Nick, do this?

01:33:33.620 I looked out like, oh, man, not now.

01:33:37.480 She's a pretty lady, man.

01:33:38.940 Thank you.

01:33:39.620 Did you hear what she said?

01:33:41.800 That's when you know I'm not lying about my mom when she goes, when I knew you were a

01:33:47.960 thousand percent secure.

01:33:49.660 Oh.

01:33:50.660 Those were those conversations when she would tell me to quit.

01:33:53.960 Yeah, secure.

01:33:54.620 That's a unique word.

01:33:55.540 People don't just throw that around a lot of times.

01:33:57.240 Yeah.

01:33:57.640 She was all about benefits and health insurance, security, retirement.

01:34:03.220 Like, dude, like.

01:34:04.840 That's military stuff.

01:34:06.000 Yeah, man.

01:34:06.940 It really is.

01:34:07.700 That's my mom.

01:34:08.540 That's how she taught.

01:34:09.320 You know, she was married to two soldiers.

01:34:11.620 So that's all she talks about.

01:34:13.560 My mom has been talking about retirement since she was 36.

01:34:17.080 Wow.

01:34:17.500 Like, can you just live first?

01:34:21.580 Talk about retirement later.

01:34:23.840 That's funny, man.

01:34:25.600 Yeah, it's powerful, man.

01:34:27.040 It's interesting, man.

01:34:28.240 It's interesting to see.

01:34:30.620 Now, thanks for calling those guys, by the way.

01:34:33.240 That was really cool of you.

01:34:34.380 Yeah, that was great.

01:34:35.240 Well, they had a cool campaign, man.

01:34:36.540 Mm-hmm.

01:34:37.480 It was a cool campaign.

01:34:38.780 You did yours with?

01:34:40.000 I did mine just with the audience.

01:34:41.660 Oh, yeah.

01:34:41.940 So mine was just at the Laugh Factory with the audience.

01:34:44.920 Brendan did his, I think, with Brian.

01:34:46.760 Yeah.

01:34:47.340 Who else?

01:34:47.960 Segura, Shafir.

01:34:49.900 Oh, how was Segura's?

01:34:51.080 I didn't see that one.

01:34:52.680 He might have done his wife.

01:34:55.060 Oh, yeah.

01:34:55.840 Probably, yeah.

01:34:56.520 I gotta watch it.

01:34:58.780 But pretty cool, man.

01:35:01.660 Thank you, man.

01:35:02.480 Yeah, thank you, man.

01:35:03.740 Thank you for coming in today and just chatting.

01:35:05.560 It was good.

01:35:06.200 Some of the things you said I needed to hear,

01:35:07.800 just kind of stay the road and just be reminded that I still want to be funny

01:35:13.660 and I want to just find that dream, that passion.

01:35:17.480 Yeah.

01:35:17.740 You know, and realize that I still have stories that I want to tell.

01:35:21.260 And even more so, like, who am I?

01:35:24.700 Yeah, man.

01:35:25.780 You know, like, I love telling stories and I love telling,

01:35:28.540 but sometimes it would be brave to even get even more into who I am.

01:35:31.780 Oh, I wish you would.

01:35:33.260 But that's why when I said that last time about your cartoons,

01:35:35.940 I'm like, dude, this has to be a series.

01:35:38.960 It's like you have a story after a story after a story

01:35:41.240 and they just keep coming out of you.

01:35:42.880 Yeah.

01:35:43.460 I can't wait to see all of them.

01:35:44.540 By the way, my son's a huge fan of yours.

01:35:46.400 Oh, that's cool, man.

01:35:47.380 Yeah, he loves you, man.

01:35:48.520 Yeah, he's a handsome guy.

01:35:49.380 He's growing up, huh?

01:35:50.640 Oh, yeah, he's great.

01:35:52.460 He's going to be 18 here pretty soon.

01:35:54.600 Oh, send us a couple of those socks.

01:35:55.980 We'll put them on the shelf.

01:35:57.140 Yeah, yeah.

01:35:57.720 Oh, yeah.

01:35:59.540 Hang it.

01:36:00.420 Oh, we want him here.

01:36:01.840 We want him here forever.

01:36:03.380 I'm going to send you the picture, man.

01:36:04.840 My favorite part is when we both looked down at

01:36:07.040 and then we both looked at each other

01:36:08.420 and he's like, I'll pick him up, Dad.

01:36:11.660 Let me pick him up.

01:36:13.280 That's beautiful.

01:36:13.820 No shit, Joe.

01:36:14.420 Yeah.

01:36:16.240 Does he have a funny vibe?

01:36:18.800 What's his vibe?

01:36:19.520 Oh, he's very funny.

01:36:20.840 He's got it.

01:36:21.880 I don't know what he wants to do.

01:36:23.840 I know he loves making beats,

01:36:25.800 but I really see him acting

01:36:28.300 and man, if he could do stand-up,

01:36:31.340 man, I would love to open for my son, man.

01:36:33.880 Oh, that'd be cool.

01:36:34.740 I would love it, man.

01:36:36.080 I would love to just retire

01:36:37.680 and be like, hey, son,

01:36:38.600 can I just do five minutes in front of you?

01:36:41.140 I would love that, man.

01:36:42.000 Dude, that'd be so cool.

01:36:43.280 That'd be so cool.

01:36:44.460 Have you ever known anybody that got to do that?

01:36:46.440 I think only Damon Jr. is the only one I know.

01:36:49.060 Oh, that's true.

01:36:49.940 I don't know if they tour,

01:36:52.960 but that would be dope

01:36:53.800 to have Damon and Damon Jr.

01:36:56.240 on the same ticket.

01:36:57.160 One of my favorite nights ever.

01:36:58.640 I was over at Hunter Henry.

01:37:01.920 Hunter Hill has a show

01:37:03.200 over at Usted at La Ciena

01:37:04.720 and get the black box over there

01:37:06.440 and Damon Wayans was going to be there.

01:37:09.660 And I grew up on Living Color.

01:37:11.800 Oh, of course.

01:37:12.480 By the way, Last Stand,

01:37:14.180 I think that's his special.

01:37:15.160 I think that's what it's called.

01:37:15.900 It's HBO special.

01:37:17.160 You guys, you have to watch it.

01:37:18.800 It's great.

01:37:19.220 It's a beast, man.

01:37:20.520 I haven't seen it.

01:37:21.600 Crushes.

01:37:22.040 Go watch it.

01:37:22.580 All right, go ahead.

01:37:23.020 I'm sorry.

01:37:23.240 I didn't mean to stop.

01:37:23.800 But I told a joke

01:37:25.000 and I heard him laugh at one point.

01:37:26.760 Oh, oh.

01:37:28.520 Just in the back of the room.

01:37:29.840 And it was like every moment of my childhood

01:37:33.000 of impersonating him out in the street

01:37:34.660 with my friends and everything.

01:37:36.180 It was just,

01:37:37.000 it had all come full circle.

01:37:38.480 It was real cool.

01:37:39.260 That's so cool, man.

01:37:40.740 It was pretty dope.

01:37:41.880 Mixed Plate, you can get it early.

01:37:43.520 Pre-order now, right?

01:37:44.700 Yes.

01:37:45.540 Pre-order, jokeway.com.

01:37:47.320 And thanks so much for coming

01:37:48.600 and spending time with us.

01:37:49.400 Nick, you have anything else?

01:37:50.460 No, thanks for coming, Joe.

01:37:51.620 Dude, that was amazing.

01:37:52.620 Yeah, it was fun, man.

01:37:53.220 Thank you, Theo.

01:37:53.700 You're the shit, bro.

01:37:54.900 Love you, bro.

01:37:55.660 Love you.

01:37:56.040 Now I'm just floating on the breeze

01:37:58.660 And I feel I'm falling like these leaves

01:38:01.600 I must be cornerstone

01:38:04.940 Oh, but when I reach that ground

01:38:09.500 I'll share this peace of mind

01:38:11.640 I found I can feel it

01:38:13.700 In my bones

01:38:15.820 But it's gonna take

01:38:18.720 A little time

01:38:21.480 For me to set that parking brake

01:38:25.380 And let myself unwind

01:38:28.100 Shine that light on me

01:38:32.100 I'll sit and tell you my stories

01:38:37.800 Shine on me

01:38:42.800 And I will find a song

01:38:47.000 I will sing it

01:38:48.540 Just for you

01:38:50.520 And now I've been moving

01:38:56.680 Way too fast

01:38:57.960 On the runaway train

01:38:59.360 With a heavy load

01:39:00.540 In my past

01:39:02.820 And these rails

01:39:06.740 That I've been riding on

01:39:08.420 They're worn so thin

01:39:09.840 That they're damn near gone

01:39:11.160 I guess now they just weren't

01:39:13.020 Built to be

01:39:13.840 Ladies and gentlemen

01:39:16.060 I'm Jonathan Kite

01:39:17.260 And welcome to Kite Club

01:39:18.580 A podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts

01:39:20.820 On things like current events

01:39:22.240 Stand-up stories

01:39:23.440 And seven ways to pleasure your partner

01:39:25.780 The answer may shock you

01:39:27.680 Sometimes I'll interview my friends

01:39:29.700 Sometimes I won't

01:39:31.020 And as always

01:39:32.560 I'll be joined by the voices in my head

01:39:34.520 You have three new voice messages

01:39:37.380 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club

01:39:40.400 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long

01:39:43.200 Longer than anybody else

01:39:44.820 So great

01:39:45.640 Hi

01:39:46.620 Sweetie

01:39:47.320 Easy deal

01:39:48.680 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club

01:39:51.120 Is a dodgy bloody wanker

01:39:53.160 Jermaine

01:39:53.880 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese

01:39:57.160 And a McFlurry

01:39:58.180 Sorry sir but our ice cream machine is broken

01:40:00.040 Oh no

01:40:01.940 I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me

01:40:05.000 Anyway

01:40:05.480 First rule of Kite Club is

01:40:07.400 Tell everyone about Kite Club

01:40:09.120 Second rule of Kite Club is

01:40:11.060 Tell everyone about Kite Club

01:40:13.300 Third rule

01:40:14.080 Like and subscribe

01:40:15.260 Wherever you listen to podcasts

01:40:16.960 Or watch us on YouTube

01:40:18.460 Yeah

01:40:18.880 And yes

01:40:19.780 Don't worry

01:40:20.360 My Brad Pitt impression

01:40:21.600 Will get better

01:40:22.400 Thank you so much for listening to Kite Club

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - October 29, 2020

E303 Jo Koy 3

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