This Past Weekend with Theo Von - E333 Heather McMahan

00:00:00.000 Today's guest is a real dominant and hilarious and just dang near adorable female.

00:00:11.640 That's right.

00:00:14.020 Female, baby, you know what I'm talking about.

00:00:16.880 Boobies, uvula, baby, all of it.

00:00:19.540 And she is from Atlanta, and I'm just so happy to finally be able to sit down with her.

00:00:26.780 Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Heather McMahon.

00:00:56.780 She likes a hard seat.

00:01:01.860 It's fine.

00:01:03.060 She's got a crippling sciatica, so it's fine.

00:01:05.860 Oh, yeah.

00:01:06.380 A lot of my friend has an Australian Shepherd, and it has dysplasia.

00:01:09.680 Oh, fuck.

00:01:10.800 Yeah.

00:01:12.080 Yeah, most of them do, I think.

00:01:14.740 Yeah, I got a Frenchie, and they have every fucking problem in the book.

00:01:17.020 Do they?

00:01:17.480 Yeah, I needed that expensive, fucked up dog.

00:01:20.600 Yeah.

00:01:20.860 That's where we're at, you know.

00:01:22.220 A lot of, I think, Frenchies, let me think, Frenchies, Australian Shepherds, I don't want

00:01:28.040 to say a lot of foreign dogs, but.

00:01:30.060 But it is what it is.

00:01:31.240 They can't handle a lot of, you know, they can't handle that American pressure.

00:01:35.300 That's really, I think, the facts is once you get, you know, even you get those Shih Tzus,

00:01:39.360 and they got them all peeled up on Instagram.

00:01:41.540 I don't fuck with a Shih Tzu.

00:01:43.100 Yeah.

00:01:43.340 Do not fuck with a Shih Tzu.

00:01:44.520 And let me tell you this, I tried to do the right thing.

00:01:46.140 I went to like eight different French Bulldog rescues.

00:01:48.180 I was like, I want one spina bifida, one in a wheelchair, one leg, no leg, no nose, eight

00:01:53.060 noses.

00:01:53.140 One of those brothers treasure.

00:01:54.200 Yeah, yeah, exactly.

00:01:55.380 And I got denied all the fucking time, because I was living in New York, and they're like,

00:01:58.100 oh, your apartment's not big enough.

00:01:59.220 I actually had a very nice apartment for New York, and so we kept getting denied.

00:02:02.760 And so my husband was like, fuck this.

00:02:04.920 He's like, after we got denied like the seventh time, he's like, we would be perfect parents.

00:02:07.720 We were like, let's get the most expensive purebred.

00:02:10.200 We were just like, let's find the breeder who's got like, just wears gold all the time.

00:02:14.120 And that's the way we went.

00:02:14.900 Napoleon.

00:02:15.380 I want one fresh out of Napoleon's nutsack.

00:02:17.680 That's how French I want this thing to be, man.

00:02:20.860 Yeah.

00:02:21.220 Yeah, I think it's tough.

00:02:22.280 I've been thinking about trying to get a dog, and so I've been thinking about like, what

00:02:25.640 kind to get.

00:02:26.420 Like, I think about, yeah, how pure can they get?

00:02:29.400 How pure can the breeding get?

00:02:30.860 Yeah.

00:02:31.300 You know what I'm saying?

00:02:31.840 I want that shit.

00:02:32.760 I want that thing afraid to show up to war.

00:02:35.320 That's how French I want it.

00:02:36.420 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:02:36.780 I feel you.

00:02:37.100 You know what I'm saying?

00:02:37.540 Like, I want it.

00:02:37.820 You want it pure, but you also want it a little slutty, though, too.

00:02:40.340 Oh, really?

00:02:40.980 Yeah.

00:02:41.180 Yeah, you do.

00:02:41.900 Oh, yeah.

00:02:43.080 Yeah, I guess I could see maybe a, I don't know if they had a lot of slutty dogs bus

00:02:48.060 growing up.

00:02:48.540 I'm trying to think of the dogs that I would see when I was young.

00:02:51.180 Well, we used to bet, like, if a dog was giving birth, people would go out and bet

00:02:54.740 on it and bet how many babies it was going to have.

00:02:57.500 This is so Louisiana.

00:02:58.660 So if a dog was whelping, they call it whelping, I think, then they would, people would be

00:03:04.480 out there throwing a little bit of money down.

00:03:06.140 Oh, hell yeah.

00:03:06.620 You know, and trying to win a little or just trying to, you know, just, I guess, maybe

00:03:10.040 just also just feel what it's like to be victorious.

00:03:12.200 Maybe not even, it might not even have been about the money.

00:03:14.980 I mean, you know, I feel like degenerate gambling is a thing.

00:03:18.380 Like, my husband gambles a little bit.

00:03:19.820 Does he really?

00:03:20.340 And I don't get it.

00:03:21.040 That's fine.

00:03:21.260 Yeah, it's fine, but I don't get it.

00:03:22.660 Like, I won't even put $10 on, like, a craps table.

00:03:25.900 Like, I just, I'm like, no, fuck that.

00:03:27.240 I know how hard and how long it took to make those 10, and I'm, like, making a little money

00:03:31.260 now, but I'm still just like, there's no fucking way I'm gambling.

00:03:34.660 Now, do you give your husband a little bit of an allowance, or does he have his own, does

00:03:38.900 he have his own?

00:03:39.560 No, he has his own, but it's.

00:03:41.100 He has a job?

00:03:41.520 Yeah, yeah, he has a job, yes.

00:03:43.000 I do not know.

00:03:44.040 Oh, yeah, that's fine.

00:03:44.540 No, he has a job.

00:03:45.760 Well, actually, technically right now, he's, I call him the house manager.

00:03:50.460 So he gave up his career in New York.

00:03:52.000 We were living there.

00:03:52.720 We moved back to Atlanta, and I'm like, listen, until you build your real estate shit here,

00:03:57.580 like, I need you to be the house manager, because we're redoing some shit.

00:03:59.960 Oh, y'all are?

00:04:00.520 Yeah, we are.

00:04:01.080 Yeah.

00:04:01.440 We're in, like, yeah, the thick of it.

00:04:03.420 Okay, so I'm sitting here with Heather McMahon.

00:04:04.900 Thanks for coming in.

00:04:05.720 I know we've been trying to get to see each other for a long time.

00:04:08.100 I know.

00:04:09.000 And, yeah, I had so many people that were like, can I come over if Heather's going to

00:04:14.640 be there?

00:04:16.460 Oh, yeah.

00:04:17.060 I had more women.

00:04:17.600 I'll tell you this.

00:04:18.160 I had more women offer to come over in the past five days since people knew you were going

00:04:23.300 to be here than they've ever wanted to come and spend time with me.

00:04:27.580 Those are my hoes.

00:04:28.360 I love them.

00:04:28.960 Shout out to all the girls out there.

00:04:30.200 Yeah, I didn't get a good look at them, but some of them seem like hoes over tech.

00:04:33.500 And, you know, that's a good thing.

00:04:35.240 Yeah.

00:04:35.400 If, like, if you present yourself a little slutty and you just, you know, you're honest

00:04:39.120 and transparent about it, like, you do you.

00:04:40.920 Yeah.

00:04:41.400 You know, the ball's in your court.

00:04:43.000 I'm here for it.

00:04:44.000 Yeah, I like that.

00:04:45.920 So you started out doing comedy in Atlanta?

00:04:48.800 Or you didn't start out doing comedy.

00:04:50.260 So you're, like, you're kind of one of these hybrid people, kind of.

00:04:53.460 And I'm not judging.

00:04:54.200 I'm just trying to say stuff and think at the same time.

00:04:56.280 Right, right, right.

00:04:56.740 No, no, I hear you.

00:04:57.840 So you're, like, one of these hybrid kind of artists.

00:05:01.000 Like, take me into it a little bit.

00:05:02.580 What is it?

00:05:03.720 Well, so the first time I ever did stand-up, it was actually at my high school prom.

00:05:07.120 So I went to this, like, really conservative Christian school.

00:05:09.320 And they always had, like, a, we couldn't even call it prom.

00:05:11.320 We had to call it, like, the junior-senior banquet just because it's, like, fucked up.

00:05:14.940 Right.

00:05:15.520 And so they won, like, a surprise guest.

00:05:17.420 And so I said, they approached me.

00:05:19.360 I don't know why because it was, like, highly inappropriate, the set I did.

00:05:22.400 And so the first time I did stand-up was at this prom.

00:05:24.680 And I was roasting the senior class.

00:05:26.820 And I was, like, if I can get up in front of these fucking peers that are, like, the most judgmental people on the planet.

00:05:31.160 Yeah.

00:05:31.360 And I just came alive.

00:05:32.240 I was, like, this is what I want to do forever.

00:05:33.600 And I was always a theater nerd and was doing all that.

00:05:35.720 So I went to Ole Miss, got a theater degree, then went to New York and was doing kind of improv sketch.

00:05:40.800 Like, I really was on the SNL trajectory.

00:05:42.600 I was, like, that's what I want to do.

00:05:44.040 I love a wig.

00:05:44.800 I love a costume.

00:05:46.160 Yeah.

00:05:46.480 You know, that's just where I thrive.

00:05:48.080 That's where I come alive.

00:05:49.780 Yeah, I love a wig.

00:05:51.020 And I was out in L.A. doing UCB.

00:05:52.680 I was kind of doing that underground scene.

00:05:54.220 And then...

00:05:55.400 So you were really hustling it.

00:05:56.540 Oh, I was hustling, raw-dogging it.

00:05:59.620 Whatever you had to do, I was doing it.

00:06:01.180 Were you using sex to try to get forward?

00:06:03.300 You know what?

00:06:04.000 I offered.

00:06:04.960 And I'm not judging.

00:06:05.740 And no one picked up on it.

00:06:06.780 They were like, we're good.

00:06:07.840 We're good.

00:06:08.480 Yeah, yeah.

00:06:08.900 Like, if I could strip, I would, but I have eczema, so I feel like I would take off my

00:06:13.440 clothes, and they'd be like, we're good.

00:06:14.700 Here's $10, like, put your pants back on.

00:06:16.740 It's real rashy, you know?

00:06:17.660 It's lotion night, yeah.

00:06:18.980 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:06:19.680 They should have lotion night at the strip club for people with eczema.

00:06:22.700 They should.

00:06:23.040 When does that start?

00:06:23.860 When do we start getting strip nights for...

00:06:30.600 When does the, like, cancel culture...

00:06:32.240 Like, when does that, like, the diversity, forced diversity culture hit the strip clubs?

00:06:37.160 When do we see, like, the girl doesn't even climb up the pole.

00:06:40.140 It's like one of those, like, things at the Hampton Inn, like, swim pool that just lifts

00:06:44.960 you out of the water.

00:06:46.000 The handicap.

00:06:46.380 But it's like that for the strip club.

00:06:47.360 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:06:47.900 It just takes her up the pole slowly and then just bring her slowly back down.

00:06:51.200 Maybe that's a charity we start.

00:06:52.540 That's our philanthropy.

00:06:53.580 I like that.

00:06:54.220 Yeah.

00:06:54.700 Yeah, limp, completely just limp strippers.

00:06:57.580 So, I have a family member, semi-family member, who has been an exotic dancer.

00:07:05.220 Ooh, yeah.

00:07:05.760 And in our town, they had a strip club called Neal's.

00:07:10.700 That's what it was, right?

00:07:12.300 And I don't know if it was supposed to be a strip club, but enough people were naked in

00:07:15.620 there where eventually, you know what I'm saying, you could see some titty.

00:07:18.280 I hear you.

00:07:19.440 So, but the ceiling was low in there.

00:07:22.160 So, the women would get on stage and they'd have to duck and strip.

00:07:26.220 So, it was very, like, kind of...

00:07:28.480 An occupational hazard?

00:07:29.680 I mean, I would say, yeah.

00:07:30.860 This was before they had that.

00:07:31.880 Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah.

00:07:32.760 So, this is just, like, yeah, it was really, like, it had a lot of, you know, it was like

00:07:37.860 the scoliosis.

00:07:39.180 It was, like, in the scoliosis belt.

00:07:41.120 Right.

00:07:41.600 So, there was a lot of, yeah, but the women would have to get up there and so they'd have

00:07:44.980 to strip.

00:07:45.500 So, it always had this very, like, it looked like the women were sneaking around.

00:07:49.500 You know what I'm saying?

00:07:50.360 Because they had to duck down.

00:07:51.780 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:07:54.600 Those are my girls.

00:07:55.420 So, they had to get into that.

00:07:57.160 I mean, I'm from Atlanta where, like, stripping is an art form.

00:07:59.840 And, I mean, you go to places like Magic City and there's, like, 15 girls on a pole, like

00:08:02.740 a Jenga set.

00:08:03.980 I mean, it's insane.

00:08:04.900 And then you go to places like the Claremont Lounge, which is a very famous strip club in

00:08:07.760 Atlanta.

00:08:08.480 Yeah, we're like, you know, the women are in their 70s crushing beer cans with their titties.

00:08:12.720 I mean, it's just like, that's the spectrum.

00:08:15.600 And so, and then there's my favorite strip club, though, is Swingin' Richards, which is

00:08:19.560 mostly men.

00:08:20.560 And you just walk in and literally, it's just dudes doing the helicopter, just swinging

00:08:23.580 their dick around.

00:08:24.460 Oh, really?

00:08:24.920 Hell yeah.

00:08:25.580 Yeah.

00:08:25.900 Oh, I seen that in Germany at the park one time.

00:08:27.900 Oh, yeah.

00:08:29.140 Seems very German.

00:08:30.500 Yeah.

00:08:30.740 Yeah, I think so.

00:08:31.720 The chopper, the fucking masculinity.

00:08:34.240 Uh-huh.

00:08:34.640 I remember somebody took me to a gay club one time in Baton Rouge and I'd never been.

00:08:38.660 I didn't know they had it, right?

00:08:39.740 Right.

00:08:40.320 So, we walk in and there's, like, men with no shirts on and just jeans.

00:08:44.340 And I thought that the air conditioner was broken.

00:08:47.780 I didn't know what it was.

00:08:48.740 I was like, damn, we're at a bar in this fucking air conditioner.

00:08:51.380 You know what I'm saying?

00:08:51.800 They should do something because this seems crazy.

00:08:54.260 They got a decent clientele for fucking having no AC.

00:08:56.780 Right, right, right.

00:08:57.700 And then I realized it was gay men, dude.

00:09:00.200 And they start, and gay men get extremely aggressive, I feel like.

00:09:03.200 Oh, really?

00:09:03.720 They seem like a straight man is in the building.

00:09:06.420 Because I have this feeling that a straight man, like, guys want to try to get a hot girl.

00:09:11.640 But for gay men, the hot girl is a straight man.

00:09:14.680 I hear you.

00:09:15.620 Well, a lot of the dancers at Swingin' Richards' club in Atlanta are straight dudes.

00:09:19.500 Oh, really?

00:09:19.880 And they have a big gay clientele, but a lot of them are straight dudes.

00:09:22.680 Because, you know, I mean, my sister's a criminal defense attorney, so she's had a couple of clients.

00:09:26.600 And she's like, no, no, no, that's Mark.

00:09:27.900 That's Mark.

00:09:28.340 He's had seven DUIs.

00:09:29.280 But, like, he's a good guy, and he's also, like, hits on me all the time.

00:09:32.360 So, yeah.

00:09:33.460 Oh, interesting.

00:09:34.840 Yeah.

00:09:35.440 So then you were in New York, and then you guys decided to move to Atlanta.

00:09:41.360 Now, did you kind of take a, were you, like, saying, I'm going to take a sabbatical from kind of the, because if you were doing, like, Second City and stuff like that, were you like, I'm going to, like, step away from that?

00:09:52.580 Were you starting to do your own thing?

00:09:53.700 What was going on?

00:09:54.260 I went to New York, and then I went out to L.A. for four or five years, and I was out there, and I was, like, I'm doing the commercials and all that shit.

00:09:59.360 And I never, I didn't take the traditional route.

00:10:01.160 Like, I was more UCB and really, like, honing that craft, if you will, as obnoxious as that sounds.

00:10:06.780 So I wasn't in the store.

00:10:07.860 I wasn't doing, you know, the traditional stand-up route.

00:10:11.180 And then I kind of had this, like, oh, fuck, aha life moment where my dad passed recently of cancer.

00:10:16.460 So I had to pick up my life and move back home to Atlanta.

00:10:18.780 This is in 2016.

00:10:21.260 So I pick back up.

00:10:22.340 I'm, like, I'm just going to go for, like, six months.

00:10:24.180 I'm going to help my mom figure out what's next, all this shit.

00:10:27.200 And it was crazy.

00:10:28.920 I kind of started living my life through Instagram and just really blowing up Instagram and using it, honestly, cathartically just to, like, get shit off my chest and dry out new material.

00:10:36.440 And it just blew up.

00:10:38.220 And so then I was able to, like, work in Atlanta a little bit.

00:10:40.640 And then I was, like, this is insane.

00:10:42.680 You know, I don't know.

00:10:43.420 It was a weird blessing.

00:10:44.220 Like, it was the darkest time of my life.

00:10:45.640 But it was so cool to, like, be able to get an audience from that.

00:10:50.120 And I just started, like, putting funny shit up that brought me joy.

00:10:53.720 I didn't give a shit about being in L.A.

00:10:55.360 I didn't give a shit about being in New York.

00:10:57.020 I wasn't trying to impress anybody.

00:10:58.260 And that's when the best shit came out.

00:10:59.880 Yeah.

00:11:00.180 And then we went back to New York.

00:11:01.400 And I was touring in 2019.

00:11:02.720 And it's just been a wild ride since.

00:11:04.560 Dang.

00:11:05.260 Yeah.

00:11:05.660 But now I'm back in Atlanta.

00:11:07.040 Yeah.

00:11:07.880 And so now you have, so now you find most, but now you're going on tour, right?

00:11:13.520 Yeah.

00:11:14.120 So now you have a show that's going to be on stage.

00:11:16.620 Yeah.

00:11:16.860 So what's the stage show like?

00:11:19.000 I mean, it's a grab bag.

00:11:20.820 You know, it's a long stand-up set, but I also bring out wigs and have videos.

00:11:25.840 It's kind of a mixture of, like, what I do on Instagram.

00:11:28.120 And my kind of, I don't know, brand of comedy is very much so storytelling.

00:11:32.680 And it's, you know, about my life.

00:11:34.840 But here's the thing.

00:11:35.820 I really like people to leave and they're like, I don't know what the fuck just happened.

00:11:38.620 Not, like, performance-arty, like, weird.

00:11:40.560 But I like people to, like, maybe cry at one moment and they're like, I don't know what

00:11:44.340 the fuck these feelings are, but something's coming up and then I just hit you.

00:11:48.080 You know what I mean?

00:11:48.580 And then they're like, this was fucking weird and I was here for it and it was rowdy.

00:11:52.060 Oh, I like it.

00:11:52.660 Yeah.

00:11:53.080 Yeah.

00:11:53.440 I like it.

00:11:53.960 Yeah.

00:11:54.100 I think one of my goals always was stand-up was, like, I don't care if people remember,

00:11:59.860 like, a joke that I told, but I want people to remember me somehow.

00:12:03.880 Yeah.

00:12:04.460 Because that's what I feel like you go back to see.

00:12:06.140 Like, you go back, you get invested in a human or in a feeling.

00:12:10.560 I don't know if I get invested enough in, like, a joke alone.

00:12:13.880 Because anybody can write a joke, kind of.

00:12:15.940 Right.

00:12:16.260 I feel like I want to get invested in somebody.

00:12:18.920 You know, that's what makes me as a consumer want to be involved with somebody.

00:12:23.700 Yeah.

00:12:23.960 I mean, I remember the shows where you leave and you're like, I don't really know what

00:12:26.380 just happened.

00:12:26.900 Or, like, yeah, you just leave with that feeling or that warmth or maybe, like, shame.

00:12:30.380 I don't know what it is.

00:12:31.460 Oh, yeah.

00:12:31.820 But I want you to get in your car and just be like, something happened.

00:12:35.200 You know?

00:12:35.780 Yeah.

00:12:35.860 And, like, think about it for a while.

00:12:38.240 I don't know.

00:12:38.720 I'm a Pisces, so I like to just get in there.

00:12:40.680 Yeah.

00:12:40.860 You know what I'm saying?

00:12:41.920 Oh, I'm a Pisces.

00:12:43.600 Yeah.

00:12:43.920 When's your birthday?

00:12:44.780 March 1-9.

00:12:46.060 Okay.

00:12:46.300 I'm 1-5.

00:12:47.180 Oh.

00:12:47.740 Yeah.

00:12:48.300 This makes sense.

00:12:48.880 So, what does it mean?

00:12:49.620 What does it mean?

00:12:50.100 Take me into this.

00:12:50.680 Because I don't know anything about it.

00:12:51.700 Like, and if people did know about it, I always thought they were, like, sorcery or something.

00:12:55.200 Right.

00:12:55.520 Or people would call them, you know, people would curse them when I was young, you know.

00:12:59.180 I hear you.

00:12:59.640 You know, if people showed up with the Libras or something, you know.

00:13:02.200 Oh, well, I don't fuck with the Taurus.

00:13:03.300 Like, I don't, like, hold a lot of weight into it, but most Tauruses have been pretty

00:13:06.640 evil in my life, so I rebuke it in the name of Jesus.

00:13:08.820 Oh, yeah.

00:13:09.040 Like, if I walk by a Taurus, I'm like, no, not today.

00:13:11.160 You can feel it?

00:13:11.540 Yeah.

00:13:11.820 Oh, I feel the negative energy.

00:13:13.680 Oh.

00:13:14.320 But Pisces, okay.

00:13:15.300 And what are Tauruses?

00:13:15.980 Sorry, just so I don't forget it.

00:13:17.380 End of April through beginning of May.

00:13:20.360 Ooh.

00:13:20.800 Ooh, yeah.

00:13:21.400 So, it's coming up.

00:13:22.260 So, Taurus season is coming up.

00:13:23.880 Yeah.

00:13:24.600 Yeah.

00:13:24.960 Just keep your butthole clenched.

00:13:26.960 Like, shit's going to get wild.

00:13:28.020 Oh, dang.

00:13:28.700 Mm-hmm.

00:13:29.240 Oh, wow.

00:13:29.720 So, it's Taurus season.

00:13:30.600 It's about to be Taurus season.

00:13:30.860 And what do they do?

00:13:32.080 They're just, like, usually cheaters.

00:13:34.380 God, I'm going to get so much hate for this.

00:13:36.380 They cheat.

00:13:36.680 No, I want to know more about it.

00:13:37.540 I've dated, like, three Taurus guys, and they were all cheaters.

00:13:38.960 And where do you see them at?

00:13:39.560 Like, strip malls?

00:13:40.680 Yeah, you see them at strip malls, T-Mobiles, a lot of Chili's.

00:13:44.400 You know what I mean?

00:13:44.940 Ooh, yeah.

00:13:45.080 They're always hanging out at a Chili's bar.

00:13:46.740 Dude, I remember making love to this girl that worked at a Chili's, and she had, oh, my

00:13:51.560 God, she had all these pictures of, I remember going over to her place.

00:13:56.180 She lived at her parents' house.

00:13:57.300 They were out of town, apparently, or she'd killed them.

00:13:59.860 I don't know where they were.

00:14:00.780 Okay, I'm saying it.

00:14:01.460 It seemed like they'd been out of town for a long time.

00:14:03.200 A long time, yeah.

00:14:04.320 Okay.

00:14:05.080 They might still be out of town.

00:14:06.660 It's been about 17 years.

00:14:08.140 But she worked at a Chili's, and she had all these pictures of, like, all the local firemen

00:14:12.600 in her house.

00:14:13.640 I remember.

00:14:14.960 Seems sus.

00:14:16.100 Yeah, I never even thought about that until just now.

00:14:18.020 I wonder what happened to that girl.

00:14:18.940 Maybe the firemen, like, helped bury the family.

00:14:21.600 They were in on it.

00:14:22.460 Yeah, it just got a little, like, some chicks have that DIY date lining.

00:14:27.300 Any kind of shit they want, you know?

00:14:28.740 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:14:29.640 Yeah, a little, like, oxygen channel snap moment.

00:14:32.100 That energy.

00:14:32.820 That's a Taurus woman right there.

00:14:34.380 Yeah, she might have been a Taurus.

00:14:35.480 Okay, anyway.

00:14:36.300 But Pisces, we're creative.

00:14:38.660 And we're creative.

00:14:40.080 We're sensitive.

00:14:41.120 And it doesn't necessarily mean that, like, you're a sensitive person where you're just

00:14:44.580 empathetic.

00:14:45.420 Right.

00:14:45.540 Like, you're able to connect with people on their emotions.

00:14:47.560 Okay.

00:14:47.860 But we're also terrible with money.

00:14:49.340 Like, that's the number one thing.

00:14:50.620 We're able to make a lot of money because we are big thinkers.

00:14:53.840 But, like, if I get $100, I'm spending $99.

00:14:56.100 You know what I'm saying?

00:14:56.780 Oh, wow.

00:14:56.900 Yeah.

00:14:57.100 Yeah.

00:14:57.660 So, yeah.

00:14:58.560 I got to have, like, a financial advisor, an accountant, an attorney just to be, like,

00:15:01.440 sign off on shit.

00:15:02.580 You know what I mean?

00:15:03.440 I need, like, a balance.

00:15:04.680 I need a limit on my credit card.

00:15:07.220 You do?

00:15:07.600 I do.

00:15:07.980 I do.

00:15:08.140 Oh, wow.

00:15:08.740 Yeah.

00:15:09.000 And I don't know what it's like.

00:15:10.040 I don't gamble.

00:15:11.160 But if I'm making money, I want everybody to have it.

00:15:13.680 Like, I'm like, do you need a job?

00:15:15.040 You know?

00:15:15.440 And my friend's like, no, Heather.

00:15:16.780 I'm a financial investor.

00:15:18.520 Like, I don't need a job.

00:15:19.400 I'm like, I just want to give you money because I feel like, I don't know why.

00:15:22.660 Yeah.

00:15:22.800 I feel that sometimes.

00:15:24.020 I feel sometimes, like, I don't, yeah, like, money's, I don't know, money's so weird.

00:15:28.120 Yeah.

00:15:28.260 It makes me uncomfortable.

00:15:29.000 It makes me uncomfortable.

00:15:29.600 When I have it.

00:15:30.600 But I need it.

00:15:31.420 Right.

00:15:31.800 You know?

00:15:32.320 Yeah.

00:15:32.720 Yeah.

00:15:33.040 I need it.

00:15:34.040 But, yeah, it makes me uncomfortable.

00:15:35.600 I don't like being somebody that has money because I think I always judged people that

00:15:39.120 had money.

00:15:40.040 Like, I was always like, oh, these fucking rich people and shit like that.

00:15:42.920 Yeah.

00:15:43.040 And so, I think sometimes I'm like, oh, man, I don't want to have any money, you know?

00:15:47.260 Like, but then you also have to have money.

00:15:48.760 You can't tell the rent guy, hey, you know, I'm just trying, I've been nice to people

00:15:52.520 this month.

00:15:53.020 He doesn't care, you know?

00:15:54.140 Right, right, right.

00:15:54.540 That's not his lot.

00:15:55.040 And I've had no money and it sucked so bad.

00:15:57.640 Like, I've worked every hospitality job you can imagine.

00:16:00.320 Oh, really?

00:16:00.980 Oh, yeah.

00:16:01.520 Did you do DoorDash?

00:16:02.580 I never did DoorDash, but, like, I was in, worked at every restaurant.

00:16:05.980 I worked every job in a restaurant.

00:16:07.940 And when you're working in restaurants for, like, 10 years, I mean, it just takes a part of

00:16:11.700 your soul away that I don't know if you can ever get back.

00:16:13.840 But I do believe, you know, like, in Israel, you have to serve in the army.

00:16:17.940 You have to serve in the army.

00:16:18.980 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:16:19.340 Two years, right, I think.

00:16:20.340 Yeah.

00:16:20.580 I think in America, everybody should have to either be, like, a valet, you know, any sort

00:16:25.620 of, like, work at a hotel, work at a restaurant.

00:16:28.300 Yeah, something.

00:16:29.200 Yeah, work at a Perkins.

00:16:30.200 Jiffy Lube.

00:16:31.200 Be a hostess at a Perkins for at least a year.

00:16:33.700 Yeah.

00:16:34.100 And then you can go out into the real world and, like, be an adult.

00:16:36.640 Yeah.

00:16:37.300 Yeah, I think that's true.

00:16:38.300 It would be nice if they had some kind of, like, a little tributary of, occupational tributary

00:16:44.060 that brought you out into the mainstream.

00:16:45.800 Yeah.

00:16:47.580 I'm trying to think of a job that I had that I really, that really, really stuck to me.

00:16:54.260 Well, I used to sell Mexican food for a living.

00:16:57.420 Like, in a restaurant or just, like?

00:16:58.900 No, in a restaurant, yeah.

00:16:59.860 Okay, okay.

00:17:00.280 But it was crazy, man.

00:17:02.280 They had the two chefs back there, these two black women named April and May, and they

00:17:09.420 did not like cooking Mexican food.

00:17:11.040 So sometimes we would have to literally go tell the tables that we, the chefs, okay.

00:17:17.660 Didn't feel like making a quesadilla today.

00:17:21.580 So we would be literally offering, like, French toast and shit at 5 p.m.

00:17:25.540 Right, right, right.

00:17:26.200 Well, you got vague over there.

00:17:28.760 And I was so scared of them that I was, like, afraid of the confrontation.

00:17:32.960 And sometimes I would just lock myself away from some of that because I didn't want to

00:17:37.820 be a part of it.

00:17:40.180 Do you think, we had a question that came in right here for you.

00:17:42.340 Let's bring up this question right here from this young lady right here.

00:17:45.680 Hey, y'all.

00:17:46.020 My name is Jessica from Atlanta.

00:17:48.420 And my question for Heather is, if you could star in the Broadway with the Rat King himself,

00:17:56.080 what production would you guys star in and what would your roles be?

00:18:01.060 Ooh.

00:18:01.720 Well, I've always been told, I have a lot of friends on Broadway because I come from the

00:18:04.840 theater world.

00:18:05.560 I've always been told the only role I could play on Broadway is Pumbaa from The Lion King.

00:18:09.700 I don't know why, but they're like, that's the only role.

00:18:12.560 Did you bring up a Pumbaa for me, Richard?

00:18:14.040 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:18:14.980 Because why?

00:18:15.520 Go ahead.

00:18:15.800 I'm sorry to interrupt you.

00:18:16.300 No, I don't know why.

00:18:17.180 I don't know if it's, like, them just being assholes and being like, this is the best you

00:18:20.640 can be, or it's because I have, like, a deep voice.

00:18:23.340 But yeah, I think, God, what could we be in?

00:18:25.920 Is that The Lion King?

00:18:27.060 Uh-huh.

00:18:27.740 Yeah, my friend Dodd Loomis actually works, he does The Lion King.

00:18:30.900 If you ever wanted to be that, I think you are better looking.

00:18:34.720 Yeah, but they're always like, no, you'd be Pumbaa.

00:18:36.700 Like, you just have the energy of Pumbaa.

00:18:38.060 I'm like, what the fuck is that about?

00:18:39.320 If you see the eyes and maybe some of the cheek structure, and I mean that in a very

00:18:44.520 beat, I would definitely spend time with this animal.

00:18:47.340 We could do Sound of Music.

00:18:48.780 You know the Sound of Music?

00:18:49.740 Ooh.

00:18:50.400 Yeah.

00:18:51.240 Yeah.

00:18:51.500 But the sound, like, it kind of has a little Willie Nelson in the beginning.

00:18:54.620 100%.

00:18:54.940 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:18:55.840 Little banjo.

00:18:56.980 We spice it up a bit.

00:18:57.440 The sound of music, the sound is people opening cans of tuna at home.

00:19:00.840 Yeah, yeah.

00:19:02.780 100%.

00:19:03.140 Just the ring doorbell over and over again.

00:19:05.540 Yeah, yeah, that's it.

00:19:05.900 The sound is people reaching for that latch under a car hood from, like, the 90s, where

00:19:10.980 people, or it didn't just pop up automatically, and you have to, then it comes up an inch

00:19:14.880 for you, then you have to put your young fucking hands into a dirt fucking, yes.

00:19:20.920 Hot fucking car.

00:19:22.160 Yes, and reach for a fucking latch.

00:19:24.500 Yeah.

00:19:25.040 Ugh.

00:19:25.340 The sound is just, like, women trying to, like, get around in their, like, purse, just

00:19:29.520 looking for keys and shit.

00:19:30.600 It's like, fucking shit.

00:19:31.860 God damn it, did I leave my keys?

00:19:33.180 It's just that recording over and over again.

00:19:35.040 Oh, you mean?

00:19:36.000 The sound, yeah, yeah, that's it, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:19:38.240 Just over and over again, like, god damn it, Daryl, fuck you.

00:19:41.220 I knew you forgot the keys, that's it.

00:19:43.240 And there's three checkbooks in there, but there's no checks, it's just that, like, carbon

00:19:46.200 stuff in the other side, yeah.

00:19:47.680 Do you still have a checkbook?

00:19:48.740 I still have a couple checkbooks.

00:19:49.840 Okay.

00:19:50.400 The sound is one of us running back to the microwave, because the popcorn's already,

00:19:56.980 like, past the one or two second mark between the pops, and so we know it's just

00:20:00.420 burning.

00:20:00.700 So the sound is just running back to the microwave.

00:20:04.780 That's the sound of the music, yeah.

00:20:06.880 Listen, I think we could, listen, when Broadway comes back, I think this is our moment.

00:20:11.500 You know, I'm trying to get an EGOT.

00:20:12.980 I want a Tony, and I've realized, like, maybe I just need to write my own musical, and I

00:20:16.620 can't really sing anymore.

00:20:17.760 I've got this deep voice, and so I'm like, we should actually probably do, like, a straight

00:20:22.580 man play, though.

00:20:23.440 You know, something dramatic.

00:20:24.560 Something where we're both nude, but there's nothing sexual about it.

00:20:27.020 It's just for some reason, because I feel like that's the only way you win a Tony anymore.

00:20:29.940 Oh, I got a little erectile dysfunction, so there doesn't even have to be something sexual

00:20:32.360 about it.

00:20:32.580 If there was, it would take a couple episodes.

00:20:35.000 So I'm just going to let you know.

00:20:36.520 There you go.

00:20:36.940 And I got eczema, so you know what?

00:20:39.440 But we're winning Tonys for it.

00:20:41.320 It's called back-to-back.

00:20:42.620 It's our sex life.

00:20:45.620 God, I'm freezing my eczema.

00:20:46.560 It's just both of us facing the other way.

00:20:49.240 Just ass-to-ass?

00:20:50.540 Yeah.

00:20:51.380 Well, let's go back-to-back.

00:20:52.660 Yeah, let's go back-to-back.

00:20:53.440 I mean, we can assume that our butts are touching, but I think, yeah, just for like,

00:20:58.540 yeah, the ass-to-ass thing is just going to be, that's going to make me nervous.

00:21:01.640 Okay, I feel you.

00:21:02.320 I respect that.

00:21:03.300 Didn't mean to push that on you.

00:21:04.320 I apologize.

00:21:05.980 Really apologize.

00:21:06.940 Wow, I thought you were Pisces.

00:21:07.880 I thought we were vibing, but okay.

00:21:09.860 So note to self.

00:21:11.100 What else would we be?

00:21:12.280 The sound of music.

00:21:13.280 It was such a great question.

00:21:15.800 So what else?

00:21:16.840 What other kind of show could we be if it was a...

00:21:19.580 We could do like Hello, Dolly.

00:21:20.840 Now, I don't know what you know about musicals, but we could...

00:21:23.000 I mean, Hello, Dolly is like this very iconic old show.

00:21:26.100 It's Southern.

00:21:27.040 Is it Southern?

00:21:27.920 No, it's not Southern.

00:21:28.640 Never mind.

00:21:29.840 But it's...

00:21:30.580 I mean, I could see you in like a hoop skirt, having a moment, you know, with like a hat

00:21:34.740 on and like a pipe or something.

00:21:36.660 Okay.

00:21:37.060 Yeah, you're a little old-timey.

00:21:38.480 Okay.

00:21:39.000 Okay.

00:21:39.460 Okay.

00:21:39.740 I'm going to go with this.

00:21:40.480 I think we could do like a...

00:21:43.080 I don't know Hello, Dolly, but I've been to Dollywood once.

00:21:45.640 Oh, fuck yeah.

00:21:47.120 So what about Hello, Dollywood?

00:21:49.700 I could play Dolly Parton.

00:21:51.360 Yes, we just wrote this.

00:21:52.580 So this is our pitch and Broadway, we would like some funds.

00:21:56.480 What if you Dolly Parton and you just part your hair like so severely?

00:21:59.820 Yeah.

00:21:59.920 And it's...

00:22:00.800 No, that's not a good one.

00:22:03.280 Yeah, but you know, that thing now is that these young kids on TikTok are telling women,

00:22:07.460 I'm 34, they're saying that we can't do a side part anymore.

00:22:10.200 They're like, no, it's only a middle part.

00:22:11.640 We can't wear skinny jeans anymore.

00:22:12.940 It's like this whole fucking thing that these young girls are trying to tell us how to dictate

00:22:16.760 our life and our aesthetic.

00:22:18.380 And I'm fucking pissed about this.

00:22:19.580 Have you heard about it?

00:22:20.140 I haven't heard about that.

00:22:21.220 And I'm also glad I haven't heard about that because it seems like it's...

00:22:23.800 It's some bullshit.

00:22:24.940 Yeah.

00:22:25.220 Yeah.

00:22:25.480 And it's okay.

00:22:26.080 I'm glad that women are doing stuff, but I don't want to know about it.

00:22:28.660 You know what I'm saying?

00:22:29.240 Like, that's fair.

00:22:29.920 I love that women are telling other women what they're doing wrong.

00:22:32.900 Yeah, that's good.

00:22:33.580 Because that's feminism.

00:22:35.000 Yeah, that's what we need.

00:22:36.320 We need more.

00:22:37.140 Right.

00:22:37.340 I think it should...

00:22:38.380 I want to see it spill out into the streets.

00:22:40.120 I would love to see...

00:22:41.220 Here's where it ends.

00:22:42.220 Okay.

00:22:42.800 Is a couple of 19 or 17-year-old women getting abused by some 30-year-old women.

00:22:50.520 Just a street cat fight.

00:22:51.800 Yeah, that's where it ends.

00:22:53.580 Listen, I went back to my story at Ole Miss, like before Rush, and they wanted me to give

00:22:56.800 like a motivational speech, and I literally...

00:22:58.720 No way, really?

00:22:59.480 I scared them straight.

00:23:00.000 So, were you the head of your sorority?

00:23:01.240 I could see you being like the lady at night that comes down and is like, only one peanut

00:23:05.520 butter, you know?

00:23:06.800 Who's that lady?

00:23:07.660 The house mom?

00:23:08.480 No, she's like a 65-year-old lady who's living rent-free.

00:23:11.520 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:23:12.580 She's like, no boys upstairs, but also only one peanut butter.

00:23:15.720 Okay, yeah, yeah.

00:23:16.640 Yeah, yeah.

00:23:17.440 I remember that lady would always be like, one peanut butter.

00:23:20.080 You'd be like doing oral sex on some woman, and she's like, one peanut butter.

00:23:23.380 You're like, oh, damn.

00:23:24.760 Because that's every man's fantasy, is that women in a sorority house are just doing oral sex

00:23:29.320 on each other.

00:23:30.000 That's it.

00:23:30.500 That's it.

00:23:30.860 They're like, you guys just eat each other out all day, right?

00:23:33.000 It's like, no.

00:23:34.160 No, I remember doing oral sex on some woman at Ithaca College somewhere.

00:23:39.280 I don't remember.

00:23:39.960 That checks out for Ithaca.

00:23:40.560 And some lady peeked in and was like, only one peanut butter.

00:23:43.940 I'm like, damn.

00:23:46.540 I mean, yeah.

00:23:47.720 No, I ran my sorority.

00:23:48.860 I tried to be president, but because I wasn't from Mississippi, they were like, it's not going

00:23:53.160 to look well across campus.

00:23:54.720 Like, it was a big deal.

00:23:55.700 I mean, I went to Ole Miss.

00:23:56.840 No, Ole Miss was weird.

00:23:57.920 Ole Miss was weird, and it was amazing.

00:23:59.260 And it's, God, if I die, like, spread my ashes in Oxford.

00:24:03.640 But it was kind of a culture shock for me.

00:24:05.660 Like, I didn't even know what the capital of Mississippi was.

00:24:07.600 I got there, and people were like, oh, we're from Jackson.

00:24:09.440 And they were like, very, you know, old Southern money.

00:24:11.540 Like, we're from Jackson.

00:24:12.600 I'm like, Ville, Florida.

00:24:13.760 Like, I don't know what the fuck Mississippi is, but it's the greatest place on earth,

00:24:17.900 truly.

00:24:18.960 But yeah, no, I was bid day president.

00:24:21.120 I was pledge class president and then bid day.

00:24:22.960 So like, I was in charge.

00:24:23.740 I couldn't really see that.

00:24:24.600 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:24:25.420 And I could say, oh, well, my best friend Scott went there, and he was in Sigma something.

00:24:31.260 Sigma Nu?

00:24:32.060 Sigma Alpha.

00:24:33.600 SAE.

00:24:34.000 SAE.

00:24:34.240 So they've been kicked off campus.

00:24:35.980 I think it was.

00:24:36.460 Yeah, yeah.

00:24:36.900 I could see it.

00:24:37.340 Probably because of Scott.

00:24:38.200 I wouldn't be shocked, man.

00:24:39.660 It was either Scott or it was probably, I don't remember.

00:24:41.580 They had like South Seas or something was there.

00:24:43.820 Oh, was that Kappa Sig?

00:24:45.720 Kappa Sig.

00:24:46.420 That's what he was.

00:24:47.060 So I dated a lot of Kappa Sig.

00:24:48.160 Did you really, huh?

00:24:48.980 How old Scott?

00:24:50.180 Did I have sex with Scott?

00:24:51.660 I don't know.

00:24:52.840 I mean, I'll ask him later.

00:24:54.880 Okay.

00:24:55.320 But he, I remember going up there and yeah, everybody, you'd have like the drunkest,

00:25:03.180 somebody that couldn't even read, be like, you know, Faulkner.

00:25:06.000 Oh, it's always about Faulkner.

00:25:07.140 You have no fucking idea who Faulkner is.

00:25:09.000 Faulkner used to buy a mouthwash here.

00:25:10.660 And it'd be like, what?

00:25:11.820 Yeah.

00:25:12.500 Who gives a lot?

00:25:14.080 Like all of a sudden, everybody's into like early American poetry.

00:25:17.160 I'm like, I didn't know who the fuck Faulkner was.

00:25:19.100 You know, they excavated a cannon from under this restaurant, you know?

00:25:22.940 And it's like, who gives a shit?

00:25:23.920 A lot of fucking facts all the time.

00:25:25.660 And you're like, all right, Mississippi, pump the brakes.

00:25:27.580 A lot of plaques too.

00:25:28.860 A lot, way too many plaques.

00:25:31.280 A ton of plaques, ton of cocaine.

00:25:33.460 Yeah.

00:25:33.760 A lot of just plaid, like gingham.

00:25:36.340 Shepard Smith.

00:25:36.900 I heard Shepard Smith used to go do cocaine there.

00:25:38.780 Did you ever hear that story?

00:25:39.860 Yeah.

00:25:40.340 I'm pretty sure I, fuck, I don't want to say that.

00:25:42.300 But yeah, I'm pretty sure like, yeah.

00:25:43.820 I mean, whatever.

00:25:44.460 Fuck it.

00:25:44.720 We all did cocaine at Ole Miss.

00:25:46.200 So yeah.

00:25:46.580 If Shepard Smith came out of the closet, he could, it's easy to come out of the closet.

00:25:49.400 It's way easier to come out of the cocaine closet, I think, than the actual closet.

00:25:53.000 I mean, it was just such another planet.

00:25:55.200 I got there and it's just like, you know, you have all these like rich kids from the

00:25:58.260 South.

00:25:58.700 Oh yeah.

00:25:59.080 But it was weird because I was in the art department.

00:26:01.460 And I felt like, like I went and visited Alabama and I swear to God, I went to visit and I was

00:26:05.400 like, okay, I only have two choices because I didn't, you know, my SATs, like a blind cat

00:26:09.140 could have done a better job on the SATs than me.

00:26:11.140 And even though I was student body president of my high school, I still, I thought I was

00:26:15.020 going to go to Pepperdine.

00:26:15.720 Like long story short, I was like, oh, I'm going to go to school in California.

00:26:17.680 Oh wow.

00:26:18.320 Artists, all this shit.

00:26:18.980 And they were like, you are 100% denied.

00:26:20.900 So it was two weeks before graduation.

00:26:23.040 They were like, who did this testing?

00:26:25.800 And the funny thing is when the Lori Loughlin thing came out, we're like, you know, she

00:26:30.060 was paying somebody to like get her kids into college.

00:26:32.580 My sister called me.

00:26:33.320 She's like, dad, my sister went to Georgia Tech.

00:26:35.320 She's very intelligent.

00:26:36.640 And Troy Tech, Georgia Tech, sorry.

00:26:39.240 Yeah.

00:26:39.340 Troy Tech, which is in Alabama.

00:26:41.800 Troy, I think is, uh, I'd never heard of Troy Tech.

00:26:46.380 I was even like, that is a reach.

00:26:47.700 Troy State.

00:26:48.400 Okay.

00:26:48.720 Troy State.

00:26:49.220 Yeah.

00:26:49.320 There's Troy State in Alabama.

00:26:50.820 Shout out Troy State.

00:26:51.720 Shout out Troy.

00:26:52.780 They got to go Wendy's and Troy.

00:26:54.280 Do they?

00:26:54.700 That's it though.

00:26:55.300 Yeah.

00:26:55.800 And I could see that.

00:26:56.980 But long story short, my sister's like, you know, dad was so stressed out about the fact

00:27:00.900 that you did such a bad job on your SATs.

00:27:03.360 And he like called me and thought that, you know, I was going to go take your test for you.

00:27:06.840 Like he just was like so worried that I wasn't going to get into college.

00:27:10.020 So it was either Alabama or Ole Miss.

00:27:11.780 And I visited Alabama one weekend.

00:27:13.200 And this, I swear to God, this is like so on the nose.

00:27:15.680 But this guy named Bubba was in overalls at this like Theta Chi house.

00:27:18.980 And he was just coked out of his mind.

00:27:20.500 And it was like a chicken tender eating contest, which I love Tindy's now.

00:27:23.780 But at the time, I was just like, and he was hitting on me.

00:27:26.100 And I was like, I got to get out of Alabama.

00:27:28.480 Like I'm not going to school here.

00:27:30.040 So I just like, that's it.

00:27:31.040 I guess I'm going to Ole Miss.

00:27:32.020 And I showed up at orientation.

00:27:33.000 I was like, fuck yeah.

00:27:34.240 Hotty toddy.

00:27:35.300 Let's go.

00:27:35.960 And it was the best four years of my life.

00:27:37.340 And then I did cocaine with Shepard Smith.

00:27:39.260 So yeah.

00:27:40.040 Good, good, good, good.

00:27:41.380 I was wondering how it ended.

00:27:44.320 Yeah.

00:27:44.720 Josh Kelly used to go there.

00:27:45.920 I went there when Josh Kelly, because he went to Ole Miss.

00:27:49.740 I remember.

00:27:51.900 Yeah.

00:27:52.300 I liked going to Ole Miss.

00:27:53.720 It was just different.

00:27:54.620 I didn't grow up like with any tradition or anything like that.

00:27:57.680 So you went there and everything was very, it was, everything was very traditional.

00:28:01.980 Well, it was a big deal.

00:28:03.300 You know, I just thought you wore like a t-shirt to a football game.

00:28:05.580 And they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:28:06.840 You're showing up in pearls, high heels.

00:28:08.940 It's August.

00:28:09.560 It's 115 fucking degrees out.

00:28:11.820 The humidity's at 300.

00:28:13.260 And you're just melting and you're sweating out the Jaeger from the night before.

00:28:16.240 But you're having to stand there with like a shrimp cocktail platter and like try and

00:28:19.500 look regal.

00:28:20.160 I'm like, I'm a debutante.

00:28:21.720 But literally, I'm just oozing gin and Jaeger.

00:28:25.840 So I learned a lot.

00:28:27.400 I learned how to like, you know, grab myself up by the bootstraps and get my shit together.

00:28:30.960 Yeah.

00:28:31.240 Oh, I could see that.

00:28:32.020 I feel like it is really, it is like a Sephora boot camp for women.

00:28:39.240 Fuck yes.

00:28:39.820 I totally see Ole Miss being like that now.

00:28:41.460 Cause I would remember, yeah, we'd go to some of these parties and everybody's, all the boys

00:28:45.520 have names like Gryffindor the Sixth and shit, you know?

00:28:48.560 Two last names, like Sutton Miller Foster.

00:28:51.040 Yeah.

00:28:51.360 Yeah.

00:28:51.520 It was all way like insane.

00:28:53.740 Like, yeah, you know, his daddy invented the swing set, you know, like there was always

00:28:57.400 shit, that was fucking way crazy, you know?

00:29:00.560 They're like, oh, his great grandfather invented the noose.

00:29:02.780 He'd be like, that's a fucking, that's.

00:29:04.400 I wouldn't lead with that at an intro at a party.

00:29:07.620 Let's just go, let's just, yeah.

00:29:09.360 Let's say yarn.

00:29:10.440 Say yarn.

00:29:10.880 You know what I'm saying?

00:29:11.520 Like it was yarn and you guys did something you shouldn't have with it.

00:29:14.220 Right.

00:29:14.620 You know?

00:29:15.000 But then you had to buy cocaine from him.

00:29:16.340 So you're like, fuck, now I got to get into this conversation with Gryffindor.

00:29:19.520 God damn it.

00:29:20.240 God, it would just be, it made me feel, I felt so foreign when I would go to those places

00:29:25.780 because I think, yeah, I just never was into that kind of culture and like that, some of

00:29:30.100 that bro culture always kind of spooked me a little bit.

00:29:32.460 I hear you.

00:29:32.840 Because you get guys that would be like, you know, I'll do anything for this.

00:29:36.320 Right.

00:29:36.660 You know?

00:29:37.280 You know, you get guys drinking each other's blood and stuff and like, you know, this,

00:29:41.280 this, this, uh, Bloody Mary has real blood in it, you know?

00:29:45.460 This has two pints of my, of my pledge in it, you know?

00:29:48.160 That would happen at the SAE house.

00:29:49.340 They actually had like some party called Patty Murphy where they just had to get this

00:29:52.240 guy as drunk as possible.

00:29:53.260 And I remember being there and like being 19 and just going, I'm like, I'm like, this

00:29:57.100 isn't right.

00:29:57.760 I was just like, this seems unsafe.

00:29:59.360 And then next year that, that party got shut down, but it was interesting.

00:30:02.580 The frat world.

00:30:03.280 I mean, yeah, you've got, you know, your stereotypes, but my sorority was literally like the best.

00:30:07.480 I met the best bitches.

00:30:08.660 I met these women who are still so part of my life and they were just like, you know, we,

00:30:12.780 I don't know.

00:30:13.000 We just did like dressed up and then we get drunk and then do philanthropic work.

00:30:17.400 Like honestly and truly it was like every other week.

00:30:19.340 We had a new charity thing.

00:30:20.360 So I was like, at least we did some good, you know?

00:30:22.600 Yeah.

00:30:22.960 Yeah.

00:30:23.220 Yeah.

00:30:23.420 And I'm not trying to, it was culture shock though, for sure.

00:30:25.600 Yeah.

00:30:25.740 I'm not trying to knock it all.

00:30:26.720 I think it was also, I think I was just like afraid.

00:30:29.140 I think I just didn't know anything about it.

00:30:31.500 Right.

00:30:31.740 So like my best friend went into it cause his dad had gone to school at university of Mississippi.

00:30:36.260 And so then I just like, we'd go and see like little pieces of it.

00:30:39.960 And even though I was at LSU for a couple of years, I just didn't get too much into the

00:30:44.060 Greek stuff, you know?

00:30:45.200 Yeah.

00:30:45.720 And those guys were always such a culture.

00:30:47.920 It was like, if you weren't in it, you kind of weren't in it.

00:30:50.300 Right.

00:30:51.560 Well, when I would meet people out in LA, there's like, they would just be shocked that

00:30:54.700 I was in a sorority.

00:30:55.480 They're like, what's that life like?

00:30:57.380 You know, like they literally were like, did they beat you?

00:31:00.260 Like what happened?

00:31:01.260 Yeah.

00:31:01.360 Tell us about it.

00:31:01.860 Yeah.

00:31:02.000 Tell us about it.

00:31:02.480 I'm like, no, it was actually fantastic.

00:31:03.900 We would, you know, dress up and like go to parties and it just like live our life.

00:31:08.120 It was fantastic.

00:31:09.060 Yeah.

00:31:09.340 Yeah.

00:31:09.620 I know.

00:31:09.880 Everybody wants, but when people aren't from the South, I mean, listen, there's Greek culture

00:31:13.180 at all these different schools, but I think specifically the South, everybody just

00:31:16.600 things that like, you're just like yelling racist things all day and like, just, just

00:31:21.180 being the worst horrific person you can imagine.

00:31:23.460 Yeah.

00:31:23.580 It gets the worst rap, man.

00:31:24.580 Yeah.

00:31:24.900 Especially out now.

00:31:25.600 Like, yeah.

00:31:26.120 It's like, oh my God, you guys had fun.

00:31:27.640 What was that like?

00:31:28.180 I'm so sorry.

00:31:28.940 You had camaraderie and friends.

00:31:30.620 You're like, yeah, fuck you, Clark.

00:31:32.160 I did.

00:31:32.740 And I loved it.

00:31:33.500 And it was fantastic.

00:31:35.140 Yeah.

00:31:35.440 Oh, you should be in our, you should be in our fraternity out here at UCLA.

00:31:38.300 We have a, we just got a new fish.

00:31:40.120 Yeah.

00:31:40.460 Like get the fuck out of here.

00:31:41.680 It was, I remember going to some parties there and it was so lame.

00:31:45.540 It was just like.

00:31:46.460 Sure.

00:31:46.980 It was really, really bad.

00:31:48.660 It would be like a lot of people doing.

00:31:51.020 Just Bitcoin before it was a thing.

00:31:52.720 Yeah.

00:31:52.840 You had to like talk about it.

00:31:53.820 Yeah.

00:31:54.100 Rumor.

00:31:54.420 It was like Bitcoin rumors.

00:31:55.640 Rumors.

00:31:55.920 Yeah.

00:31:56.100 That was the night.

00:31:57.360 That's funny.

00:31:57.820 Yeah.

00:31:59.200 Yeah.

00:32:00.520 But yeah, so I went to Ole Miss, you know, and then I went straight to New York and I

00:32:03.520 was like, I'm going to do the comedy thing.

00:32:06.180 Now for most of us, you know, learning a second language in high school was, I mean, it was

00:32:13.480 just real challenging.

00:32:14.320 You know, you had to get out there and some people just wore kind of Spanish clothes and

00:32:19.640 got a D, you know, it just, it was a real, it was hit or miss back then, you know, but

00:32:25.780 those times have changed thanks to Babbel, the number one selling language learning app.

00:32:32.880 There's an addictively fun and easy way to learn a new language.

00:32:36.840 So you're born, you have one language in you, but you can get other ones and that's

00:32:40.700 how you do it with Babbel.

00:32:42.600 Babbel's 15 minute lessons make it the perfect way to learn a new language on the go so you

00:32:47.020 don't have to be stuck somewhere or imprisoned or in quicksand or anything.

00:32:50.980 You can do it as you move.

00:32:53.720 Babbel designs their courses with practical real world conversations in mind, real things

00:32:58.740 you can learn, you know.

00:33:00.520 How do I get an omelet, you know?

00:33:02.680 Where's my son?

00:33:04.760 With Babbel, you can choose from 14 different languages including Spanish, French, Italian,

00:33:08.900 and German.

00:33:10.560 Right now, when you purchase a three-month Babbel subscription, you get an additional

00:33:16.540 three months for free.

00:33:17.860 That's six months for the price of three.

00:33:20.200 Just go to Babbel, B-A-B-B-E-L dot com and use promo code Theo.

00:33:26.300 That's right.

00:33:27.140 You'll get three additional months for free.

00:33:29.940 That's Babbel, B-A-B-B-E-L dot com, code T-H-E-O for an extra three months free.

00:33:36.900 Babbel, language for life.

00:33:40.900 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here today by the grace of a higher power and also because my

00:33:46.880 mental health is well.

00:33:49.280 Some people have exquisite mental health.

00:33:51.340 That's not me.

00:33:52.200 I have well.

00:33:53.120 My mental health is well.

00:33:54.280 That's where I'm hoping to be at.

00:33:56.340 And something that helps me is therapy.

00:33:58.480 I get therapy.

00:34:00.180 You know, I've had everything from erectile dysfunction to fear of lightning.

00:34:04.560 So I get therapy.

00:34:05.780 And if there's something interfering with your happiness or is preventing you from achieving

00:34:10.680 your goals, then better help will assist your needs and match you with your own licensed

00:34:17.220 therapist.

00:34:18.240 There's no, this isn't just somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody.

00:34:23.180 You know what I'm saying?

00:34:23.640 This isn't like your aunt Rhonda has a friend named Mr. Jeremy and he's going to help you

00:34:28.200 because you're struggling mentally.

00:34:30.320 And he's going to help you over by his place.

00:34:33.800 And it's kind of creepy and shit.

00:34:35.680 It's not like that.

00:34:36.680 Better help is organized, man.

00:34:38.100 It's a real professional outfit.

00:34:40.380 They're committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches.

00:34:44.720 If you don't like the therapist they set you with, you can get a different one.

00:34:47.340 You can do it on the phone.

00:34:49.220 You can do it on FaceTime.

00:34:51.320 But you know, you don't have to go to a private, to a facility if it's going to make you nervous

00:34:55.380 or uncomfortable in your area.

00:34:57.940 Visit betterhelp.com slash T-H-E-O.

00:35:02.660 Over a million people have taken charge of their health mentally with better help.

00:35:07.660 This podcast is sponsored by Better Help.

00:35:11.400 And this past weekend listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash T-H-E-O.

00:35:19.720 If you need assistance for your brain and your feelings and your emotions, give it a try.

00:35:24.780 So did you find more success than once you got out of kind of the main, not the mainstream,

00:35:32.700 but like the main paths of what we would expect routes to find success?

00:35:38.960 Because to me you were extremely like captivating and beautiful and like original.

00:35:47.760 And so those things to me like as just a regular man and also then as an entertainer are very

00:35:54.420 obvious.

00:35:55.380 So it makes me wonder how, and maybe other executives and stuff did see that, but it makes me wonder

00:36:02.160 like how it wouldn't be such an easy choice to be like, oh, this person, yes.

00:36:08.840 Right.

00:36:09.340 Well, I basically, you know, I was doing the grind and you're having to like, you know,

00:36:13.360 stroke the fucking ego of these people, especially in that like UCB SNL world.

00:36:17.580 And I was just like, I was just kind of fucking over it.

00:36:19.920 And then, you know, the teachers are angry people that didn't get where they wanted to go.

00:36:23.720 And then everybody in my classes, like even in the early stages of New York, they all

00:36:26.900 had these like creative writing degrees from Harvard.

00:36:28.540 And I would show up in my hoops and animal print and like a full face of makeup.

00:36:31.880 Just like, what's up, y'all?

00:36:32.880 Let's fucking tell some jokes.

00:36:33.620 I'm trying to quit cigarettes.

00:36:34.900 Yeah.

00:36:35.340 Yeah.

00:36:35.860 Yeah.

00:36:36.140 I would have like a Coors Light in my purse and just like, you know, smoke a menthol and

00:36:39.320 like chill.

00:36:39.940 And it was so weird.

00:36:40.880 It was like, and I hate to like say this, but like as a woman in that world, you had to

00:36:44.840 like not, you know, you just had to like play games and I didn't want to fucking deal

00:36:48.320 with it.

00:36:48.620 Now, who was making you play?

00:36:49.900 Was it men doing that?

00:36:51.480 Or was it also because women get weird in that kind of shit?

00:36:54.160 I find.

00:36:54.740 Yeah.

00:36:55.280 What was it?

00:36:56.040 Sorry, you answered.

00:36:56.720 I just wanted to authentically be myself.

00:36:58.180 I think I was trying to fit a different mold.

00:37:00.080 And of course, I just love doing the characters and like wearing a wig and being the ugliest

00:37:04.500 version of myself possible.

00:37:05.700 And just like tapping into these like weird isms that I find in these characters just brings

00:37:10.020 me so much joy.

00:37:10.900 Like that's truly when I come alive.

00:37:12.980 And so I just was like, fuck this.

00:37:14.980 I'm going to pave my own way.

00:37:16.300 And really and truly when I was in L.A., I was having a great time.

00:37:18.980 But again, I go on these commercial auditions.

00:37:20.460 Listen, I went on an audition.

00:37:21.740 This is just so L.A.

00:37:22.900 Where the breakdown said morbidly obese, but beautiful, morbidly obese.

00:37:27.720 And I literally call my agent.

00:37:28.820 I'm like, listen, I'm a thick girl.

00:37:29.800 I got a thick neck than ankles.

00:37:31.060 You know, I've got the shoulders of an offensive lineman.

00:37:33.160 Like it is what it is.

00:37:34.020 But I was like, this is the breakdown.

00:37:35.700 Like this is the this is the mold that I fit in L.A.

00:37:39.180 And morbidly is death.

00:37:41.380 Literally death.

00:37:42.580 One foot in the grave.

00:37:44.100 You're like my 600 pound life stuck in a couch.

00:37:46.520 You have like you're just eating pork chops.

00:37:48.240 You know what I mean?

00:37:48.760 I was like, I got a soul cycle every now and then.

00:37:50.900 You know, I sweat.

00:37:52.900 Yeah.

00:37:53.220 When I'm not just like sitting alone.

00:37:56.240 Yeah.

00:37:56.780 Yeah.

00:37:57.140 So I basically was just like, I got to get the fuck out of here.

00:37:59.820 Yeah.

00:38:00.060 That kind of stuff is such a grind.

00:38:02.360 The commercial grind.

00:38:03.680 Oh, God.

00:38:04.220 I don't think people understand.

00:38:05.200 Like you drive across town and there's no way to park.

00:38:08.380 Yeah.

00:38:08.740 Yeah.

00:38:09.080 To North Hollywood.

00:38:09.760 To Santa Monica.

00:38:10.920 Sometimes the auditions would be in Montpelier, Vermont.

00:38:13.900 They aren't anywhere near where you live.

00:38:17.600 Yeah.

00:38:17.820 They're like, can you go up to Carmel?

00:38:19.700 It's an eight hour drive.

00:38:20.860 Yeah.

00:38:21.240 On a Friday at five.

00:38:22.760 And then you go in there and they, I literally like, I was just done with commercials when

00:38:26.360 I went in and they're like, here's the thing.

00:38:27.480 We know you're so funny and you're so perfect for this.

00:38:29.360 They're definitely going to go in a different route.

00:38:30.640 We're thinking like more Asian older man, but we're so glad you came here.

00:38:33.980 And I'm like, listen, I'm here for the diversity.

00:38:35.800 I'm so glad we're being progressive, but you just wasted my time driving eight hours

00:38:39.660 to Carmel, California.

00:38:40.940 And they don't care.

00:38:41.740 And they're like, look, we need you to go shave your head in your car right now and convert

00:38:45.580 to a Japanese Judaism and come back in here.

00:38:48.040 Exactly.

00:38:48.880 Yeah.

00:38:49.200 They're like, can you speak Mandarin?

00:38:50.840 And do you know how to knit?

00:38:52.020 And you're like, no, the fuck I don't.

00:38:53.440 But I would fake it till I make it, you know, and probably offend everyone in there.

00:38:56.820 But I was like, I'm so desperate for this fucking job right now.

00:38:59.140 We need you to get your clout up a little bit.

00:39:00.520 Do you mind going outside and just using a racial slur in the street for a few minutes?

00:39:03.620 Okay.

00:39:03.860 We need you to at least, we need 20,000 more followers.

00:39:06.820 I don't care if they're angry or not.

00:39:08.620 Exactly.

00:39:08.760 For this non-union commercial, that's going to pay you $14 in a Subway sandwich.

00:39:13.160 And you're like, fuck me.

00:39:14.900 But yeah, so after, so I basically had to pick up my life and move back to Atlanta.

00:39:19.280 I was like, it's just going to be temporary.

00:39:20.580 Like, I'm just going to go help the family out.

00:39:22.240 And then when I started just living my life authentically, especially through Instagram,

00:39:26.240 because I, it's almost like a reality show every day.

00:39:28.260 I mean, I'm just uploading stream of consciousness, what comes to my mind.

00:39:32.680 And then all these women were just like, thank you for talking about this.

00:39:35.440 Oh my God, I connect with this.

00:39:37.660 And then I was able to start touring and it was just insane.

00:39:40.580 I was like, fuck it.

00:39:41.140 I built it on my own.

00:39:42.140 Like, fuck LA.

00:39:43.220 LA, you know, I have to go back to LA like next week now.

00:39:45.760 But the thing is, when you leave LA, that's when they want you.

00:39:48.860 Yeah.

00:39:49.060 But if you have a PO box or an address in Los Angeles, the phone never rings.

00:39:54.520 Yeah.

00:39:54.680 But as soon as you leave, they're like, now you're hot and fresh.

00:39:57.180 We want this thing.

00:39:57.440 We want this blood diamond.

00:39:59.760 Exactly.

00:40:00.520 That's what they call us, you know?

00:40:01.560 Once you're out of LA, they call you blood diamonds.

00:40:03.300 Fuck yeah.

00:40:03.860 Like, oh, how did we get that?

00:40:04.900 Yeah.

00:40:05.300 Sierra Leone, blood diamond.

00:40:07.000 How did we get that rare ivory, you know?

00:40:09.340 How did we get the ivory with the cane sauce on the side of it, you know?

00:40:12.660 Oh, fuck.

00:40:12.980 I love cane sauce.

00:40:14.020 Yeah.

00:40:14.160 You know, I've never been really like, I've never been like really Southern, I don't feel

00:40:19.260 like.

00:40:20.340 I'm sorry.

00:40:21.220 Come again?

00:40:21.900 Do you think I feel like a, seem like a Southern person?

00:40:24.520 Yes, Theo.

00:40:25.340 Really?

00:40:25.760 Yes.

00:40:26.580 Have you taken a look in the mirror today?

00:40:28.400 You have a fucking mullet.

00:40:30.220 You have a tight fade and a mullet and you're from Louisiana.

00:40:34.520 Yes.

00:40:34.860 I guess so.

00:40:35.640 Yeah.

00:40:35.940 I don't know.

00:40:36.460 I just have never really identified as that.

00:40:38.540 Well, see, maybe, I don't know.

00:40:39.840 Maybe I'm projecting because I don't feel Southern.

00:40:41.720 No, it's okay.

00:40:42.360 No, no, I think it's interesting.

00:40:43.620 Do I come off as Southern?

00:40:45.240 Yes, to me you do.

00:40:46.520 But then also, the more I kind of see what's going on, I feel like you come off, well, here's

00:40:51.940 what happens.

00:40:52.320 Sometimes in New Orleans, people also come off as New Jersey.

00:40:55.160 So there's some close stitching there.

00:40:57.840 I hear that.

00:40:58.380 Between like different styles.

00:41:00.100 Like, I don't think you come off as like Southern Georgia, which is where things can get

00:41:05.260 really Southern.

00:41:06.220 You know, Daddy got a geese, you know, like it can get fucking a little.

00:41:10.800 It can get a little weird.

00:41:11.720 Like, you know, yeah.

00:41:12.340 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:41:13.040 So I don't know.

00:41:14.440 I know how to put it on.

00:41:15.340 Right.

00:41:15.580 And you don't come off as uneducated.

00:41:17.220 So it's not that, that red net, that kind of that thing.

00:41:21.420 Right.

00:41:21.600 You know, like I never was into that or felt like that growing up.

00:41:26.880 Yeah.

00:41:27.300 So I guess.

00:41:28.340 But now do you find in the business that they try and put you in that box?

00:41:31.300 Oh, yeah.

00:41:31.820 Yeah.

00:41:32.420 And I won't honor any of it.

00:41:33.840 The only Southern thing that I've even done is when me and Chelsea Lynn did the, we did

00:41:39.180 a live show around the holidays.

00:41:40.340 I loved it and I adore her.

00:41:41.660 And it was fun.

00:41:42.160 Oh, she's so much fun.

00:41:43.100 Yeah.

00:41:43.200 It was hard to do, but it was a lot of fun.

00:41:45.260 But that was like the most kind of, cause she's not, she does like, I don't know her

00:41:50.460 character or, you know, Tammy's, she's more, cause Chelsea's from Oklahoma.

00:41:57.180 So she's more just kind of rural.

00:41:59.700 Right.

00:42:00.560 Is it redneck her character?

00:42:01.780 I don't know.

00:42:02.400 What do you think it is?

00:42:03.080 I mean, it's Trailer Trash Tammy, right?

00:42:04.640 Right.

00:42:04.900 But Trailer, right.

00:42:05.920 But it's not Redneck Tammy.

00:42:07.920 Right.

00:42:08.760 Like that's where I start to wonder.

00:42:10.140 It's working really.

00:42:10.880 Yeah.

00:42:11.280 We're really like peeling back the layers.

00:42:13.760 Yeah.

00:42:13.900 She's just, I think Trailer Trash Tammy.

00:42:15.740 Here's the thing.

00:42:16.260 All of her characters are like very confident people.

00:42:18.920 And that's, there's always, but that's a Southern thing.

00:42:21.520 Southerners are confident.

00:42:22.500 It doesn't matter.

00:42:23.180 Like even in my lowest moment, like anxiety through the roof.

00:42:25.720 I'm like, I got this.

00:42:26.720 Like my daddy told me I got this.

00:42:28.660 I fucking got this.

00:42:29.660 And I'm from Atlanta.

00:42:30.840 Like you said, I'm not from like Macon, Georgia.

00:42:32.660 Right.

00:42:32.940 But there's something about like that Southern inside of you where it's just like, I'm going

00:42:36.140 to fucking do this.

00:42:37.020 Like, watch out.

00:42:38.180 Daddy told me yes.

00:42:39.160 So I'm doing it.

00:42:40.660 I do say daddy though.

00:42:41.980 Diddy.

00:42:42.400 Diddy.

00:42:42.740 Hi, Diddy.

00:42:43.500 Rest in peace.

00:42:44.000 Yeah.

00:42:44.120 I don't think I ever had that then.

00:42:45.140 I think I got to the lowest point.

00:42:46.460 I was like, I'm not going to make it.

00:42:48.340 Who's coming with me.

00:42:49.820 Right.

00:42:50.020 Right.

00:42:50.200 Right.

00:42:50.380 And a lot of people were like, I'm not going to make it either.

00:42:54.920 I got shotgun.

00:42:57.460 That's why I kind of feel like my group, my like, you know, I feel like it's sort of this.

00:43:02.940 I don't know.

00:43:03.620 I honestly do not know who my supporters are sometimes.

00:43:07.000 Like, I don't know if supporters, but like, I don't really know who's on my team because

00:43:10.980 it's not like redneck people.

00:43:13.120 Right.

00:43:13.600 No, I think I know your supports.

00:43:15.540 Well, I'm one of them.

00:43:16.540 But like, I know that.

00:43:17.980 I know that dude, you know, it's a Riley.

00:43:20.800 You know, Riley, how are you today?

00:43:23.000 I feel like I'm in the presence of just like Barbra Streisand.

00:43:26.860 I adore you, Riley.

00:43:28.100 Japanese greatness right there.

00:43:29.620 That's right.

00:43:30.340 Are you Japanese, Riley?

00:43:31.660 I am.

00:43:32.780 There you go.

00:43:33.180 Hell yeah.

00:43:33.780 How's church?

00:43:35.440 It's pretty great.

00:43:36.880 Great.

00:43:37.200 I love that for you.

00:43:38.320 You're a man of God.

00:43:39.120 I'm a woman of the Lord.

00:43:40.260 So that's why he just opened the door earlier and we just connected.

00:43:43.340 I felt the Holy Spirit there.

00:43:44.320 I could see that.

00:43:44.880 I felt it.

00:43:45.740 Yeah.

00:43:45.840 And Riley last year got his first kiss, actually.

00:43:49.080 Oh, hell yeah.

00:43:50.420 Hell yeah.

00:43:50.820 How was it?

00:43:51.340 Tongue?

00:43:52.200 Yeah.

00:43:52.680 Oh.

00:43:53.140 Oh, yeah.

00:43:53.640 It was pretty great.

00:43:55.020 Yes.

00:43:55.880 Yes, it is.

00:43:57.360 Cleaning the palate, baby, with that fricking little ginger snap.

00:44:00.760 There you go.

00:44:01.880 Now, Riley, I'm a great matchmaker.

00:44:03.580 That's just like one of my talents.

00:44:05.320 So if you tell me like what you like, I mean, you can be very specific with it.

00:44:09.000 If you're like, I want her to have green eyes and, you know, be into anime and, you

00:44:13.540 know, love Chipotle, like I will find her.

00:44:15.860 So don't ever feel like you can ask me.

00:44:17.780 I will find you.

00:44:18.580 Dr. Suss.

00:44:19.400 They call him Dr. Suss.

00:44:20.380 Oh, hell yeah.

00:44:20.960 Yeah.

00:44:21.280 We'll talk afterwards.

00:44:21.920 Green eyes and breasts.

00:44:24.580 What do you like, Riley, honestly, if you are looking for a woman?

00:44:27.080 And I think Heather's very serious about that.

00:44:28.540 I am.

00:44:28.900 That she would consider helping you out, brother.

00:44:30.700 I am.

00:44:31.420 Um, yeah, I mean, I'm, uh, I'm, I'm more of the, uh, I don't, I don't, I'm, I'm honestly

00:44:38.000 open to anything.

00:44:39.140 Not, not anything, anything, but like, um, I mean, like give us one, one detail.

00:44:45.500 Yeah.

00:44:45.680 Give us a new deal.

00:44:46.340 Like you talking.

00:44:47.260 So we talking five to six feet.

00:44:49.340 What are we talking?

00:44:50.000 Yeah.

00:44:50.660 Cool.

00:44:51.280 Um, honestly, as tall as you want, um, like six, four.

00:44:56.120 I mean, you know, do you want to be cuddled at night?

00:44:58.120 Like you got, just give me specifics.

00:44:59.660 How do you want to feel?

00:45:00.520 Okay.

00:45:00.840 On a date.

00:45:01.180 Okay.

00:45:01.360 I like being cuddled.

00:45:02.580 Okay.

00:45:02.840 Great.

00:45:03.380 All right.

00:45:03.560 So a larger woman.

00:45:04.820 Okay.

00:45:05.220 Larger woman.

00:45:06.020 Fantastic.

00:45:06.460 Um, I mean, I'd like to cuddle her as well.

00:45:08.580 Oh, okay.

00:45:09.680 So maybe she has one short leg, one long leg.

00:45:13.260 Yeah.

00:45:13.860 You want to backpack it, huh?

00:45:15.000 Okay.

00:45:15.480 Exactly.

00:45:16.260 Um, yeah.

00:45:18.040 Um, let's see what else.

00:45:21.180 That's all I need right there.

00:45:22.640 I got it.

00:45:23.200 I just, and it's about what you get out of them.

00:45:25.240 It's a, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:45:26.720 You know, it's a, it's a waiting game.

00:45:28.720 Give me a blonde.

00:45:29.760 Give me a blonde.

00:45:30.620 It's a game show.

00:45:31.880 You say, give me a blonde.

00:45:32.960 Give me a blonde.

00:45:33.480 Oh, right.

00:45:35.240 Okay.

00:45:35.640 There we go.

00:45:36.560 See, I like that.

00:45:37.180 And it's okay.

00:45:37.660 I think men now feel intimidated.

00:45:38.880 Like they can't say what they want, but just be honest about it.

00:45:41.460 Like I have a very specific woman.

00:45:43.280 Yeah.

00:45:43.680 I want a woman.

00:45:44.560 That's fine.

00:45:45.040 I want somebody with a vagina, you know?

00:45:48.080 Yeah.

00:45:48.480 I prefer that.

00:45:49.320 And a good attitude.

00:45:51.260 And that, we can find that.

00:45:52.220 There's plenty of women out there with vaginas and good attitudes.

00:45:54.740 Now, Riley, because we haven't even really gotten into this, Riley.

00:45:56.900 And I know, have you been, uh, since the kiss, have you been doing any more dating or

00:46:00.220 is it?

00:46:01.420 Uh, not yet.

00:46:02.400 No.

00:46:02.880 Okay.

00:46:03.540 I like the attitude though.

00:46:04.280 Not yet.

00:46:04.660 Yeah.

00:46:04.900 Not yet.

00:46:05.920 Very optimistic.

00:46:06.740 I will soon.

00:46:07.300 You got to speak it into existence.

00:46:08.720 Exactly.

00:46:09.220 You know, put it on the vision board.

00:46:10.460 I used to think that was such bullshit.

00:46:12.700 Right.

00:46:13.020 And then I got a high one, like New Year's Day and I made a vision board and then all

00:46:16.000 this shit came true.

00:46:16.920 I was like, God damn.

00:46:18.340 Okay.

00:46:18.940 So I think if you speak it out into the universe and you're just like, I want a blonde woman

00:46:22.540 who I can cuddle or maybe she cuddles me.

00:46:25.900 You, you, you'll see what happens.

00:46:27.700 Wow.

00:46:28.080 Yeah.

00:46:28.700 You got to ask.

00:46:29.060 And Riley, I mean, look, I really believe, and is Atlanta too far for you for a woman?

00:46:33.760 Not Riley?

00:46:34.040 Do you have a mileage?

00:46:35.040 Do you have a, a distance?

00:46:36.700 No, Atlanta.

00:46:37.420 How far is Atlanta?

00:46:39.120 Not far at all.

00:46:40.100 34 minute flight, four hour drive.

00:46:41.840 I got you.

00:46:42.300 No, not bad.

00:46:43.020 But I got women all over.

00:46:43.940 Like I, I have a posse of beautiful women in Nashville.

00:46:47.360 Yeah.

00:46:47.740 I got you.

00:46:48.440 Okay.

00:46:48.800 I don't want to end up in any sort of, cause legally it's going to come back onto me.

00:46:52.680 Okay.

00:46:53.080 Sorry.

00:46:54.700 I can find you love too.

00:46:56.200 I can find you love too.

00:46:57.220 Yeah.

00:46:57.400 How old are you, Riley?

00:46:58.160 I need to make sure you're legal.

00:46:59.420 I'm 22.

00:47:00.500 Almost 23.

00:47:01.160 Great.

00:47:01.280 Great.

00:47:01.600 Great.

00:47:01.900 Yeah.

00:47:02.200 Going on 23.

00:47:03.120 I love that.

00:47:03.600 Yeah.

00:47:03.700 Yeah.

00:47:03.800 Yeah.

00:47:04.120 Yeah.

00:47:04.200 Yeah.

00:47:04.300 Yeah.

00:47:04.520 Yeah.

00:47:04.720 Yeah.

00:47:04.800 Yeah.

00:47:05.120 Yeah.

00:47:05.320 Yeah.

00:47:05.360 Yeah.

00:47:05.640 Yeah.

00:47:06.240 Yeah.

00:47:06.720 Yeah.

00:47:07.240 No, look, I would, I, I, I, I, I, I would like it.

00:47:16.080 You know, I would like to find somebody.

00:47:17.720 Um, I had a girl just, just kind of deserted me recently, but, um, she just left you in the

00:47:24.020 dust.

00:47:24.540 Huh?

00:47:24.920 She just left you in the dust or ghosted you or what?

00:47:26.840 Yeah.

00:47:27.220 She, um, well, I was living in Iowa and I had two kids and they were at the county fair

00:47:34.160 and she passed through town and that's how we met.

00:47:37.200 I was taking, I was taking photos down by a bridge.

00:47:39.300 Okay.

00:47:39.720 And, um, no, that's Burgers of Madison County.

00:47:42.120 Okay.

00:47:42.640 Okay.

00:47:43.020 Sorry.

00:47:44.100 I just really like it.

00:47:45.100 But, um, what, what happened?

00:47:46.960 No.

00:47:47.160 Yeah.

00:47:47.340 She just told me it just wasn't for her, man.

00:47:49.620 She told me it wasn't for her.

00:47:50.960 So.

00:47:51.380 How do you feel?

00:47:52.780 I'm, I was a little bummed actually.

00:47:54.340 Cause I felt like I just didn't share kind of, I think I had some more feelings and I didn't

00:47:58.380 share them.

00:47:59.360 And so I felt like I got kind of left just like, she did it over text, which was a

00:48:04.120 little bit of a, I thought it wasn't cool.

00:48:06.880 I hate that.

00:48:07.560 I don't even like to text period.

00:48:09.080 Like I am old school.

00:48:10.380 Call me on a home phone.

00:48:11.480 Like I want to chit chat.

00:48:12.680 Oh yeah.

00:48:12.920 Break in my fucking house.

00:48:14.640 Okay.

00:48:14.920 Yes.

00:48:15.600 Break in my window.

00:48:16.880 Breathe over me in the middle of the night and be like, yo, we're meeting for lunch tomorrow.

00:48:21.820 Like that's the level of intrusion I want.

00:48:24.100 Club me and put me in your fucking stepdad's Acura trunk.

00:48:28.400 Okay.

00:48:28.700 Yes.

00:48:29.080 I want to know that you care.

00:48:31.840 Do you notice that always, it's like on Amber alerts.

00:48:33.680 It's always a fucking like maroon Acura every fucking time.

00:48:37.800 You know, I don't know what kind of like marketing they're doing, but every time I get an Amber

00:48:42.600 alert, it's like maroon Acura.

00:48:44.620 And I'm like, what the fuck?

00:48:46.340 And then the crazy part is with advertising on the phones, an hour later, I'll get Acura

00:48:50.920 sale.

00:48:51.660 Come on down to Acura.

00:48:52.980 It's like, this is insane, man.

00:48:55.080 Fuck.

00:48:55.380 No, I'm not set myself up for failure.

00:48:58.040 No.

00:48:59.220 Yeah.

00:48:59.580 It's just crazy though.

00:49:00.760 How you're out of the advertising.

00:49:02.300 But yeah, I think, look, there's probably good women out there and.

00:49:06.580 Do you have a type?

00:49:07.760 Do I have a type?

00:49:08.740 Really?

00:49:08.960 You know, I think I'm kind of surprised a little bit.

00:49:10.960 I like to have a woman that maybe has a little bit of probably, probably faith.

00:49:14.460 I think she likes to laugh.

00:49:15.980 Yeah.

00:49:16.220 She doesn't have to be like the funny person just to get jokes though.

00:49:20.360 Yeah.

00:49:20.580 Like just, she just has to be able to read.

00:49:23.120 You know what I mean?

00:49:23.640 Yeah.

00:49:24.000 Just like a basic sense of humor.

00:49:26.060 Yeah.

00:49:26.280 Basic sense of humor.

00:49:27.140 What else do I like?

00:49:27.880 Like you want a woman who believes in the Lord.

00:49:29.660 Believes in some sort of faith.

00:49:31.020 It doesn't have to be, you know, it doesn't have to be Christian.

00:49:33.740 Yeah.

00:49:33.980 But it has to be some sort of, has some relationship with a higher power or wants to.

00:49:38.460 Yeah.

00:49:38.880 I don't want somebody just fucking hitchhiking the galaxy.

00:49:41.360 You know what I'm saying?

00:49:42.160 Like.

00:49:43.020 Like I need to know if there's a rapture, you're going somewhere.

00:49:45.960 You know?

00:49:46.400 I just need to know that you have a final destination.

00:49:48.520 Doesn't have to be heaven.

00:49:49.300 It could be your own heaven.

00:49:50.080 But I just need to know that like we have something to look forward to together.

00:49:53.080 Yeah.

00:49:53.220 It could be somebody from Grove Hub is going to come pick you up off the counter and take

00:49:55.940 you somewhere.

00:49:56.760 That's fine.

00:49:57.720 Okay.

00:49:58.260 Okay.

00:49:58.700 But you got to have, you got to be a side item on some deity's battleship.

00:50:01.780 Yeah.

00:50:02.140 I feel you there.

00:50:03.700 So I think like that maybe.

00:50:05.420 What else do I like?

00:50:06.360 You know, I want to obviously something that I'm attracted to.

00:50:09.860 Are you more of like a blonde, brunette, redhead?

00:50:12.280 Like, do you care at all?

00:50:13.580 I mean, it's okay to say these things out loud.

00:50:14.980 Blondes don't like me that much.

00:50:16.040 They don't?

00:50:16.500 They do not.

00:50:17.140 And it's okay.

00:50:18.680 And she can see it.

00:50:19.740 Yeah.

00:50:19.960 I can see it.

00:50:20.900 And it's fine.

00:50:22.060 They do not like, I don't know what it is.

00:50:24.500 They've never, I've never really been their cup of tea.

00:50:28.460 I think.

00:50:28.660 So you probably don't date blondes then?

00:50:30.240 Are you date more brunettes?

00:50:31.040 I don't date them.

00:50:31.540 I've tried.

00:50:32.260 You tried.

00:50:32.680 I've sent them DMs.

00:50:34.200 I don't hear back from these women.

00:50:35.700 Well, any women that are, you know, followers of mine that are listening, slide into Theo's

00:50:41.520 DMs.

00:50:42.020 There we go.

00:50:42.380 And I really want like hot blondes.

00:50:44.160 Like I just want, I think you'd look good with the blonde.

00:50:46.360 Oh, wow.

00:50:47.000 Okay.

00:50:48.160 Yeah.

00:50:48.340 Or if you're like kind of a cross-eyed brunette, also slide into the ends.

00:50:51.720 Because I feel like you'd also thrive with somebody with like a loose eye, you know?

00:50:55.080 Yeah.

00:50:55.360 Look, I mean, you can, you can have something that isn't exactly perfect.

00:50:58.420 That's fine.

00:50:58.960 I'm not perfect.

00:51:00.480 So I got a lot of loose pieces.

00:51:02.860 And so, yeah.

00:51:04.940 But yeah, I'm open to dating.

00:51:06.080 You know, I'm trying to be a little bit more realistic about it.

00:51:09.980 And just like actually not just dating whatever, you know?

00:51:12.660 I'm trying to actually, you know, use my time wisely.

00:51:15.460 But I feel like when you find the right person, you will know.

00:51:17.740 Oh, you do.

00:51:18.560 You do.

00:51:19.180 You do.

00:51:19.600 When my husband, we met, I mean, when we were like 22, he walked into a bar in New

00:51:23.140 York and I literally said to my friend, Tina, who's here, I said, holy shit, I'm going

00:51:27.080 to marry him.

00:51:27.820 No.

00:51:28.060 She was like, Jeff?

00:51:29.220 Like they were high school friends.

00:51:30.500 She was like, my buddy, Jeff.

00:51:31.860 I was like, oh my God.

00:51:32.880 Like this.

00:51:33.260 It was like a voice.

00:51:34.040 I don't know where it came from.

00:51:35.200 It was like deep in my taint and it just came out.

00:51:37.300 And I was like, that's, that's who I'm going to marry.

00:51:39.440 And sure enough, I mean, 10 years later, but we're married.

00:51:42.300 It took a while.

00:51:42.880 It's wild.

00:51:43.220 It took a while.

00:51:43.960 It took a while.

00:51:44.580 Yeah.

00:51:45.060 It took a couple of, uh, it took a couple of things to be expunged.

00:51:48.160 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:51:48.840 But we got to it.

00:51:49.680 We got to it.

00:51:50.420 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:51:51.700 Do you, uh, do you remember your first kiss though, growing up?

00:51:54.380 Yes, I do.

00:51:54.720 We talk about this a lot and we've had a lot of, you know, unique people sit here and

00:51:58.580 talk about it.

00:51:59.120 Travis Tritt.

00:52:00.900 Um, who else came in here and talked about that?

00:52:02.820 Morgan Wallen we talked about.

00:52:04.980 Um, to me, the first kiss, like, yeah, I remember my first like peck.

00:52:08.280 It was like Levi was my boyfriend in kindergarten, but my first like adult kiss with tongue.

00:52:12.700 I was 13.

00:52:13.680 It was Michael Campbell.

00:52:14.560 Shout out to Michael Campbell.

00:52:15.300 If you're listening, I was on a beach in Destin on spring break.

00:52:18.560 And I think he like, like, it was one of those things where you're like at that weird

00:52:21.820 age where everyone's like, so are we all going to stand in a circle tonight?

00:52:24.400 And like make out like it was that.

00:52:26.100 And he just tapped me on the shoulder.

00:52:27.420 He turned me around and he shoved his face in mine.

00:52:29.760 And it was just like a, you know what I mean?

00:52:30.940 Just like a, just an oral, he was just almost like mouthwash, just really hitting every spot

00:52:35.900 in the mouth.

00:52:36.600 Was it enjoyable?

00:52:37.380 Absolutely not.

00:52:38.040 It's Michael Campbell.

00:52:38.700 They call him.

00:52:39.680 He's still, yeah, he still has whiplash from it.

00:52:42.060 Oh, fuck.

00:52:42.700 Yeah, he does.

00:52:43.280 And once you stopped and his body started spinning, it was like something on him was going to be

00:52:46.360 rotar in 100%.

00:52:47.640 And I remember turning around like, like it happened.

00:52:50.060 It was like 30 seconds.

00:52:50.840 And then he like walked away into the night in the sand.

00:52:53.120 And I was like, was that a ghost?

00:52:54.620 And I was in like a tank cany and I was like, fuck yeah, girl.

00:52:57.360 And that Beaches of Cheyenne song came on by Garth Brooks.

00:52:59.340 Yeah.

00:52:59.400 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:53:00.260 And I just, and it was like the thunder rolls, you know?

00:53:02.620 And then the lightning strikes.

00:53:03.760 I was like, hell yeah.

00:53:05.160 I just kissed Michael Campbell.

00:53:06.540 Yeah.

00:53:07.420 God, Michael Campbell.

00:53:08.600 And I'll say this, Michael Campbell.

00:53:09.800 That's a good name too.

00:53:10.400 You got a damn good name for somebody.

00:53:11.900 You hope you did something.

00:53:12.980 You know what I'm saying?

00:53:13.600 I hope you did something with yourself and you're not just out there building fences.

00:53:16.360 You know?

00:53:17.440 Right.

00:53:18.280 Yeah.

00:53:19.200 Which is code word for being in prison.

00:53:21.200 Being in prison.

00:53:22.180 Uncle Tom's building fences, you know?

00:53:25.780 I remember, I remember, now you really making me think about when we would go to the beach

00:53:30.960 and we would go and during the day we would try to get liquor.

00:53:35.160 Then we would bury it in the sand.

00:53:36.780 No.

00:53:37.260 In like a sand dune?

00:53:38.440 Yes.

00:53:38.680 Because we couldn't bring it back up to the hotel room because the parents would see it.

00:53:41.720 And then we'd go out at night and there used to be, boys and girls would just be walking

00:53:46.700 up and down the beach at night, like on the beach, like right where you could drown, you

00:53:50.760 know?

00:53:50.960 The freaking old Natalie Holloway circuit, you know?

00:53:53.400 Oh shit.

00:53:53.820 And you'd be out there just trotting along and you would meet up with somebody and you

00:53:58.340 might make out with them.

00:53:59.560 And you were only 13 or 14.

00:54:01.240 I can't even believe we navigated it.

00:54:03.200 It seems like.

00:54:04.400 How did we pull that off?

00:54:05.920 Yeah.

00:54:06.300 I remember I got in so much trouble the first time I took booze down.

00:54:08.800 I got a thing of like Seagram's, the blue gin, because I thought it was going to taste

00:54:13.020 like Gatorade.

00:54:13.700 God, and that looked nice.

00:54:14.960 It looked so nice.

00:54:16.340 And I brought it down.

00:54:16.680 That bottle was kind of square a little bit coming up.

00:54:18.660 Yeah.

00:54:18.840 It was like a sharp bottle, you know?

00:54:20.560 And I brought it down and we just like buried it in a sand dune.

00:54:23.620 My best friend Mary Beth and I were like, yeah, we're going to chug it.

00:54:25.880 And I was like, what the fuck is gin?

00:54:28.240 You know, my eyebrows just melted off.

00:54:30.060 And I was like, I didn't want this to happen.

00:54:31.820 My tankini's just falling off.

00:54:33.940 It was, yeah, I was traumatized.

00:54:34.980 And my mom found it under my bed when I got back from like spring break.

00:54:37.580 And she was like, you're an alcoholic.

00:54:39.600 And I'm like, mom, I barely drank it.

00:54:41.220 Like I had like a sip of it with Gatorade and I threw up for two hours.

00:54:44.540 Yeah, I barely drank it.

00:54:46.860 Yeah, and the work you would be like, you just try to make out with your mom.

00:54:50.300 Like I don't remember like the first couple of times you got drunk, it was like crazy

00:54:54.380 shit.

00:54:54.720 You were like, dad's cute, you know?

00:54:57.180 It would be crazy.

00:54:59.220 And you're like, what?

00:55:00.120 And your parents and you guys were at Charles and Charlie's or whoever you guys, whoever

00:55:04.280 the fuck they were, dude, they were gay men.

00:55:06.220 And you guys were over there and your parents were like, what in the hell is going on?

00:55:10.580 I studied abroad in Italy and I literally was so fucked up the whole time I was there and

00:55:14.360 had the best time.

00:55:14.940 But I thought I was going to go to Italy and like find like a hot Italian man.

00:55:18.140 And I hooked up with like a Romanian or Croatian.

00:55:20.680 And then I'm like making out with this guy one night and his name's Fernando.

00:55:23.440 And we're talking, I'm like, where are you from in Italy?

00:55:25.760 He's like, I'm from Cancun.

00:55:27.800 I'm the only person who went to Italy to study abroad and hooked up with a Mexican guy.

00:55:31.560 But his family owned Carlos and Charlie's.

00:55:33.740 So that was the big deal.

00:55:34.680 He's like, come to Cancun.

00:55:35.920 My family owns Carlos and Charlie's.

00:55:37.680 I was like, hell yeah.

00:55:38.400 Did you go?

00:55:39.100 Hell yeah, I did.

00:55:40.160 We're still Facebook friends.

00:55:41.300 You're lying.

00:55:41.860 You know, I swear to God.

00:55:43.120 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:55:43.820 But I also, I also don't 100%.

00:55:46.680 No, I know for a fact his family did not own Carlos and Charlie's because I got there and like

00:55:50.240 we had to wait in line.

00:55:51.280 You know what I mean?

00:55:53.120 It's like, God damn it, Fernando.

00:55:54.800 He was hot though.

00:55:55.920 So.

00:55:58.180 Damn, that's hilarious.

00:55:59.700 Yeah.

00:55:59.920 That's great.

00:56:01.260 Do you remember, were you guys pretty well off growing up?

00:56:03.100 Your parents have some money?

00:56:04.500 So my dad.

00:56:05.680 You went to a private school.

00:56:06.660 I did.

00:56:07.200 But my, I remember the beginning when my dad was trying to build his business, he ended

00:56:10.460 up being very successful.

00:56:11.560 But I remember at the beginning, my mom has this like triggering moment where my, my dad

00:56:14.820 essentially, I guess like did, he made like the software for the online credit report.

00:56:19.320 Oh, dang.

00:56:19.780 So he was big in the mortgage business and was like a computer nerd, but we started from

00:56:22.780 nothing.

00:56:23.080 And I remember one day we were at the grocery store and I said, mom, we can't get that.

00:56:26.020 It's like ice cream.

00:56:26.600 I was like, we can't get it.

00:56:27.180 We don't have a coupon.

00:56:28.140 My mom said, she went home that day and was like, you better fucking make this business

00:56:31.260 work.

00:56:31.780 Cause these kids are like really like shaming me in a Kroger.

00:56:35.180 Um, but yeah, I mean when, by the time I graduated high school, dad had sold his company and he

00:56:39.420 did well.

00:56:39.960 So yeah, but I had this like great Southern father and who was just like, so, I mean,

00:56:44.420 he had this like deep Southern voice and he was just like, baby girl, you can do anything.

00:56:48.080 You're a goddamn McMahon.

00:56:49.180 Like go for it.

00:56:50.080 Like he loved being a girl dad, even though he was like this larger in life, larger than

00:56:54.400 life character.

00:56:54.820 He looked exactly like uncle Phil from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, but white.

00:56:59.040 So imagine white uncle Phil.

00:57:00.520 That is literally my father.

00:57:01.720 I love that.

00:57:03.160 I love that man.

00:57:06.060 I, um, and he died of cancer.

00:57:09.340 What kind of cancer did he get?

00:57:10.540 Pancreatic.

00:57:11.120 Oh, once it gets down there, it's tough.

00:57:12.600 Oh, you're fucked.

00:57:13.320 Yeah.

00:57:13.580 And it was crazy from the day of diagnosis to the day of death.

00:57:16.220 It was one week.

00:57:17.260 You're lying.

00:57:17.860 I swear to God, he was going to have a fucking heart attack in Waffle House.

00:57:21.060 He went to Waffle House every day.

00:57:22.380 He had his own booth.

00:57:23.540 Like they have a booth with a plaque on it where my dad used to go.

00:57:26.460 So he was really.

00:57:27.400 Yeah.

00:57:27.740 I mean, I thought for sure if somebody called me and they're like, he just dropped dead in a

00:57:31.460 Chick-fil-A and be like, that's on brand dad.

00:57:33.480 That's on brand.

00:57:34.680 Um, but yeah, he had no idea.

00:57:36.360 And so we went to the hospital and they're like, yeah, he's got, you know, the, he's

00:57:40.300 Oh, be lucky to make it through the night.

00:57:41.800 And we got him to MD Anderson in Houston.

00:57:43.580 And then it was like a week later.

00:57:45.020 So it's also weird because when you talk to other people about cancer, they're like, yeah,

00:57:48.160 my mom struggled with chemo for three years.

00:57:49.740 And I'm like, we had a fucking week.

00:57:51.180 Like I still went through it and saw it, but it wasn't, I didn't have the same experience

00:57:54.800 as everybody else.

00:57:55.740 Right.

00:57:56.180 It was insane.

00:57:57.120 Yeah.

00:57:57.720 Yeah.

00:57:57.920 It was very quick.

00:57:58.640 If you get pancreatic cancer, but then you have like that one asshole, we had this real

00:58:02.040 dick in our neighborhood and he's had pancreatic cancer stage four for like 13 years.

00:58:06.420 He's still kicking it.

00:58:07.180 But I'm like, if you survive it, you're, you're an asshole.

00:58:10.180 Like if you're still on this earth, I think God either wants you to learn something, teach

00:58:13.860 somebody something, or you still have something left to do.

00:58:16.120 I was like, my dad peaked.

00:58:17.320 That's the way I have to like rationalize it.

00:58:19.040 He was such a great guy.

00:58:20.320 He had had the successful company.

00:58:21.640 He fucking did it.

00:58:22.620 He peaked.

00:58:23.040 So once you peak, you're done.

00:58:25.080 Like lights out.

00:58:26.120 Yeah.

00:58:26.360 You're, you're going to die.

00:58:27.140 Yeah.

00:58:27.580 So if you start to feel yourself peaking, man, you better, you better get humble and figure

00:58:30.920 it out.

00:58:31.360 Get real fucking lazy and make sure your will in a state is, you know, in the right place.

00:58:36.220 That's a good point.

00:58:37.180 Actually, it is a scary feeling to feel like, what else do I need to do or what else am I

00:58:41.420 supposed to do?

00:58:42.200 Yeah.

00:58:42.420 It's also a feeling, a nice feeling to think like, what else am I, what else, what other

00:58:46.680 purpose do I have and to find some other purpose.

00:58:48.680 Right.

00:58:49.180 I think that's where I've been at recently, just real recently, just trying to figure out

00:58:52.320 like, find some more purpose for myself.

00:58:55.160 That's not involving me.

00:58:56.640 Like, that's one thing, a side effect of doing our jobs these days is it's a lot of

00:59:02.080 me.

00:59:02.600 Yeah.

00:59:03.080 And it's a lot of me and it's a lot of like, do you know, you're the product kind of in

00:59:08.480 a way.

00:59:08.920 And so it's a lot of me and it's like, God, you're so damn sick of myself.

00:59:14.260 Self-loathing too.

00:59:15.140 Yeah.

00:59:15.300 I'm so fucking sick of myself.

00:59:16.700 Yeah.

00:59:16.940 And then I had these moments where like, I never had anxiety before and I've recently

00:59:20.180 like been getting super fucking anxious.

00:59:21.660 It's like, almost like a manifestation through my body where I'm like, my head's like, I'm

00:59:25.800 just like, what the fuck is happening?

00:59:26.980 And I'm like, I got to get over myself.

00:59:28.540 And then I'm like, you know, it's like, just stay fucking humble.

00:59:30.860 And not that I'm not, but it's like, you're like, why am I feeling this anxiety?

00:59:33.580 Like, I know what I'm doing.

00:59:34.760 I know what I'm here for, but it's like trying to find that bigger purpose.

00:59:37.920 Like maybe, maybe it's the Lord telling me like, slow your fucking roll, do something

00:59:41.320 else for somebody, you know?

00:59:42.680 Yeah.

00:59:43.500 Yeah.

00:59:43.640 I think, well, that's what they say sometimes.

00:59:45.280 Yeah.

00:59:45.520 Like, um, that I'll find, if I find, yeah, other stuff to do for, if I find stuff, if

00:59:50.260 I make my focus other people, then I'll find more joy, you know?

00:59:54.280 But yeah, it's interesting, man, because you start to become that it's a lot about you

00:59:58.660 because you're the product and you're the only one doing it.

01:00:00.620 And you're also, you're the production company.

01:00:01.980 You're the, there's so many little things that you are.

01:00:04.140 And it's like, and then also we, you, you made it work that way.

01:00:08.920 So it's hard to, it's hard to delegate.

01:00:11.180 I don't know how to tell anybody to do anything.

01:00:13.100 My entire family is like, you need to hire someone.

01:00:16.280 But I'm like, when you've been hustling it on the grind, it's like, I just know how

01:00:19.020 to do it.

01:00:19.700 And that's another thing.

01:00:20.480 Pisces, we're not great at delegating.

01:00:21.840 Like, I'm like, if I don't do it for my, no, we're not.

01:00:24.140 We're terrible at it.

01:00:25.180 I mean, you got a good crew here and you got Riley.

01:00:27.040 You got to write this down.

01:00:27.960 Yeah.

01:00:28.200 I got you.

01:00:28.720 I got you.

01:00:29.480 Um, but yeah, it's, it's really hard to just like let go of the reins and be like, okay, I

01:00:33.260 trust somebody else because when you're like a grass sleep on our side or not, do we sleep

01:00:36.240 on our back or side?

01:00:36.940 No, we sleep on our tummy.

01:00:38.160 Do you sleep face down or on your side?

01:00:42.020 I've been doing like kind of this almost 45 degree angle thing.

01:00:44.660 I got to figure it out.

01:00:46.000 Okay.

01:00:46.500 We sleep on our tummy.

01:00:47.360 We do sleep on our tummy.

01:00:48.260 I'm like face down.

01:00:50.220 Yeah.

01:00:50.880 Okay.

01:00:51.340 Yeah.

01:00:51.520 We're getting our lives together.

01:00:52.600 No, it's because I don't know a lot of this.

01:00:54.420 And I think this is one thing where men and women, we don't know what's going on in the

01:00:58.040 stars.

01:00:58.580 So we're out there hooking, you know, like we think everything's a little dipper, you know?

01:01:02.140 And we're like, Oh, that's a little dipper, you know?

01:01:05.220 Yeah.

01:01:05.580 I mean, I really had to have these moments like after coming off the road and like basically

01:01:08.460 sitting at home for 2020, I'm like, shit, I've had time to like be in the quiet and reflect.

01:01:12.520 And I realized I only thrive in chaos.

01:01:14.320 Like when I'm on the road, when I'm out auditioning, when I'm on 65 flights in a month, that's where

01:01:18.540 I do well.

01:01:19.240 When I have time to kind of sit alone in my own thoughts, I'm like, this is a scary place

01:01:22.660 to be.

01:01:23.160 And it's not that I'm like, you know, not in tune with who I am.

01:01:25.700 I think you have to be to do comedy, but there's just moments like I don't do well in silence.

01:01:29.620 Maybe I'm fucking codependent as shit.

01:01:31.220 I don't know what it is, but I need to have like the noise around me.

01:01:34.380 I'm also freezing my eggs right now.

01:01:35.820 So I'm on a lot of hormones.

01:01:36.920 So I'm just like, literally, I'm sweating through everything I have on right now.

01:01:40.400 And I think that's also why my anxiety is bad, but it's a fucking wild ride.

01:01:44.540 Frozen eggs, baby.

01:01:45.620 Yeah.

01:01:46.320 I like that.

01:01:47.100 Yeah.

01:01:47.600 But they basically like, I have to put testosterone gel all over my shoulders at night.

01:01:51.360 I already, I'm built like a water buffalo.

01:01:54.020 Like I don't fucking.

01:01:54.740 I wouldn't say that.

01:01:55.400 I'm built like a Conestoga wagon.

01:01:56.820 I know that.

01:01:57.220 I'm built like.

01:01:57.740 Oh, yes.

01:01:58.280 Pull up a gingerbread man.

01:01:59.300 And this is exactly what I'm like, ladies, if anybody wants some of this, you know what

01:02:02.180 I'm saying?

01:02:02.440 I want you to know what you're going to get.

01:02:03.720 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:02:04.400 Full throttle.

01:02:05.440 We're going no frosting.

01:02:07.120 Okay.

01:02:07.600 We're going no frosting though, ladies.

01:02:09.660 But pull up a water buffalo too.

01:02:11.220 And then you'll see.

01:02:11.700 Yeah, pull up a water buffalo and gingerbread man, please.

01:02:14.020 Can we get two images, Riley, whenever you get a chance?

01:02:15.880 Yeah.

01:02:15.980 You know, the brain is one of the biggest organs in the body.

01:02:22.740 And I made that up, but that could be true.

01:02:25.800 You know, these days you don't know what's true, man.

01:02:28.760 There's so much stuff rattling around in your head.

01:02:31.000 Facts, different things, vitamins, scenes from old movies, war reenactment, all kind of stuff.

01:02:41.340 That's why you need to create some head space.

01:02:44.280 Wouldn't it be great if there were a pocket-sized God that helped you sleep and focus and act

01:02:49.560 and be better?

01:02:50.760 Well, if you have 10 minutes a day, head space can change your life.

01:02:55.180 It's that daily dose of mindfulness, that peace that you taken, taken you back from the

01:03:02.400 greedy vacuum of the world.

01:03:05.660 Head space is one of the only meditation apps advancing the field of mindfulness and

01:03:10.060 meditation through clinically validated research.

01:03:13.780 This isn't bootleg research.

01:03:16.800 That's right.

01:03:17.540 Head space is backed by 25 published studies on its benefits, 600,000 five-star reviews and

01:03:25.040 over 60 million downloads.

01:03:26.920 You deserve to feel happier.

01:03:29.080 And head space is meditation made simple.

01:03:30.600 Go to headspace.com slash T-H-E-O.

01:03:34.280 That's headspace.com slash T-H-E-O for a one-month free trial with access to headspace's full library

01:03:44.540 of meditations for every situation.

01:03:47.500 If you've been in a car accident or you're just waiting for something, if your husband

01:03:51.640 or wife left you, whatever it is you need to get away from or have a little bit of peace

01:03:56.560 from or if it's just a long day, headspace can help you.

01:03:59.940 Headspace.com slash T-H-E-O for one free month.

01:04:05.240 Yeah, it's interesting as you start to like kind of know what you are and what's going

01:04:08.880 on, you know.

01:04:09.680 But I can't imagine, you know, women, you guys get the, so when they do the eggs, what

01:04:12.820 do they do?

01:04:13.260 Take me through the egg hunt.

01:04:14.240 It is such a wild ride.

01:04:15.860 And can anybody do it or you have to be chosen?

01:04:18.080 No, anybody can do it as long as you have eggs.

01:04:21.080 So you might actually have a couple eggs.

01:04:23.040 I don't know.

01:04:23.820 You could look into it.

01:04:24.700 Oh, dude, I feel like a little bit of a bitch sometimes, brother, between us, man.

01:04:28.440 Between us.

01:04:29.220 Now, that one looks a little too, I don't want to say, that one, I need one a little bit

01:04:33.120 lighter tone.

01:04:33.720 That one looks a little bit Argentinian for me.

01:04:36.300 No, not the water buffalo.

01:04:37.460 The gingerbread man.

01:04:38.700 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:04:39.560 Okay, I could see this.

01:04:40.700 Do you have like thick hands though?

01:04:42.200 No, you've got a nice slender hand.

01:04:43.980 No, but my arms only have medium length arms.

01:04:45.460 There we go.

01:04:45.880 Let's go with that happy-go-lucky guy right there.

01:04:47.980 There we go.

01:04:49.020 Oh, yeah.

01:04:49.360 And even the one that's kind of running away at the bottom.

01:04:51.540 That's you.

01:04:51.740 That's me.

01:04:53.400 Pisces running away from our problems.

01:04:55.000 Yeah, that's me right there.

01:04:57.600 Now, hit the water buffalo.

01:04:58.780 That's me to a T.

01:04:59.920 A solid slender ankle.

01:05:01.720 You know what I mean?

01:05:02.060 Beautiful ankles, yeah.

01:05:03.020 Yeah, great ankles, but just really, I mean, it's just all the powers right here.

01:05:07.780 Like a sock out of my freaking wiener.

01:05:09.580 That thing looks nice, bro.

01:05:11.880 Oh, how's that little baby right there, son?

01:05:14.220 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:05:14.860 God.

01:05:15.680 So that's where I'm at, but yeah, I have to put testosterone gel and then like take estrogen

01:05:19.960 pills.

01:05:20.320 So I'm just spiraling.

01:05:21.840 Like, I don't know what the fuck's happening.

01:05:23.500 And where do you eat it?

01:05:24.320 Do you just, you guys for all summer, you're in that field or what do you guys do?

01:05:27.280 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:05:27.740 We just hang out in the field and then roll around in testosterone and grass.

01:05:31.620 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:05:32.900 We actually eat, you know, we graze, if you will.

01:05:36.980 Oh, I love that.

01:05:37.520 We graze a little bit.

01:05:38.460 Then we also smoke a lot of menthols.

01:05:39.940 Oh, damn.

01:05:40.580 Okay, damn.

01:05:41.280 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:05:42.160 Yeah.

01:05:42.660 There we go.

01:05:43.560 Yeah, yeah.

01:05:43.980 Woo, woo.

01:05:44.620 That's what I'm talking about.

01:05:45.600 A little testosterone gel, a little graze in the grass, and then a lot of menthols.

01:05:48.900 These eggs are lightly charred, huh?

01:05:51.260 Exactly.

01:05:51.460 You know what I'm saying, dude?

01:05:52.700 Now, did you date a lot of brothers growing up?

01:05:54.320 Because I feel like you seem like, and people must say this all the time, you kind of that

01:05:57.440 brother bait.

01:05:57.980 Did you drive a Honda Civic and date a lot of brothers?

01:05:59.940 I did not drive a Honda Civic.

01:06:01.240 I drove an old BMW, but so the, I would say like if Jeff got hit, but I have a very distinct

01:06:06.220 type, and it's literally like my father.

01:06:08.340 Okay.

01:06:08.540 I like, I consider like identify as a lumber sexual.

01:06:10.960 I like men in like plaid shirts with chest hair and beards and like medium penises.

01:06:14.720 Like that is to me.

01:06:15.600 Okay.

01:06:16.140 That's, that's my type.

01:06:17.260 Okay.

01:06:17.660 But the, but the men who hit on me inside my DMs the most are urban gentlemen.

01:06:22.280 Yeah.

01:06:22.540 For sure.

01:06:23.060 I had a man after a show in Atlanta one time, he came up to me, he's like, damn girl, never

01:06:27.420 lose your groceries.

01:06:28.460 And I was like, I mean, I'm so sorry.

01:06:31.240 I have no, I literally was stumped.

01:06:32.940 And I was like, I'm so sorry, sir.

01:06:33.980 What?

01:06:34.200 And he's like, you know, girl, y'all melons.

01:06:36.380 And then just like, then they just walked away and I was like, I don't know what just

01:06:40.400 happened, but I'm kind of turned on right now.

01:06:43.180 Yeah.

01:06:43.700 Black men also, I think they just have a level of, they can, I think, fuck at a different

01:06:48.660 level.

01:06:49.580 I feel like, I don't know.

01:06:52.460 Yes.

01:06:52.800 Yes.

01:06:53.100 Yeah.

01:06:53.300 I don't know.

01:06:53.700 I, I, um, my last couple of boyfriends were not black, but yes, those are the men who,

01:06:58.800 here's the thing.

01:06:59.360 I think because they're excited, they're like ready to do, they're like fun, but they

01:07:04.800 also like really confident women.

01:07:06.940 And, and I think that's what it is.

01:07:08.620 Like look at black women.

01:07:09.760 They're always just like owning themselves in their body.

01:07:12.500 So comfortable.

01:07:13.280 Like what do white women have?

01:07:14.460 We have like Gwyneth Paltrow telling us we have to do a fucking cleanse and put crystals

01:07:17.500 up our vagina all the time.

01:07:18.700 Yeah.

01:07:19.060 So I think I'm, I kind of carry that Southern big hair, big tits.

01:07:22.640 Like let's fucking go, you know, um, energy.

01:07:25.540 So how many people think you're that lady who married the football player's wife?

01:07:30.360 Do you have to be a little bit more specific?

01:07:32.540 The lady who married the lady that had a reality show for a while on Bravo.

01:07:35.960 Do people ever think you're that lady?

01:07:37.760 Oh, Kim's also, yeah.

01:07:39.120 Yeah.

01:07:39.440 Oh yeah.

01:07:39.820 Yeah.

01:07:40.020 Okay.

01:07:40.300 So my mom went up to her to Publix one time.

01:07:43.080 Your mom thought it was you?

01:07:44.380 Yes.

01:07:44.940 My mom went up to her and was like, Kim, my daughter looks just like you.

01:07:47.940 And then showed her a photo of me and Kim was not happy with it.

01:07:51.260 But I'm like, Kim, come on girl.

01:07:53.720 I'm like you with like, you know, an extra 20 pounds.

01:07:55.680 But yes, I do get told I look like Kim all the time.

01:07:57.960 Oh, that's funny.

01:07:58.600 I get a lot of random stuff.

01:08:00.460 But Kim looked all different now.

01:08:01.460 I mean, I haven't seen her in years or anything.

01:08:02.880 I just remember they used to have a show that she was on.

01:08:05.220 Yeah.

01:08:05.320 Don't be tardy for the party.

01:08:06.380 And it was because her husband played Atlanta football.

01:08:11.500 And I'm a Saints fan.

01:08:12.460 So we would see David play each other.

01:08:14.300 But I get Anna Nicole Smith a lot.

01:08:16.200 Oh, yeah.

01:08:16.880 The deceased.

01:08:17.640 Yeah, deceased.

01:08:18.280 Rest in peace.

01:08:18.800 But I get her like when she was having a good day.

01:08:20.920 I used to work at this gym in L.A.

01:08:22.320 And this old guy named Moses would come in all the fucking time.

01:08:24.500 And he would just scream, Anna Nicole, you're here.

01:08:27.080 And I'd be like, God damn it, Moses.

01:08:29.100 Like, I know you're in a knee brace and you're here to exercise.

01:08:31.080 But I want to fucking take you out by the knees.

01:08:32.560 Like, I don't need you.

01:08:33.400 And then everybody would kind of turn and look at the counter.

01:08:35.380 And they'd be like, oh, she is Anna Nicole.

01:08:37.260 And I'm like, God damn it.

01:08:39.200 Yeah.

01:08:40.080 Yeah.

01:08:40.920 Yeah.

01:08:41.240 I wonder what musical we would be in.

01:08:43.780 Sound of music is good.

01:08:45.100 It's a good one.

01:08:46.400 Yeah.

01:08:47.120 I mean, we're not hitting Hamilton.

01:08:48.840 You know what I mean?

01:08:49.440 I just don't think we have the diversity or the talent for it.

01:08:52.800 So.

01:08:53.440 I think.

01:08:53.880 Yeah.

01:08:54.240 I don't know.

01:08:54.920 And I don't like those.

01:08:55.980 I think a lot of the uniforms, they were on a ship or something.

01:08:58.080 I don't like a lot of that.

01:08:59.140 I feel you.

01:08:59.640 I feel you.

01:09:00.320 Then, I mean, what else can we do?

01:09:01.360 We could do like Dirty Dancing.

01:09:03.160 Oh, yeah.

01:09:03.640 Oh, hell yeah.

01:09:04.140 Hell yeah.

01:09:05.720 We could have a moment in Dirty Dancing.

01:09:07.040 Again, we would have no pants on.

01:09:10.300 Yeah, exactly.

01:09:11.560 Just remember, you're the one thing.

01:09:16.200 That song you know what I'm talking about?

01:09:17.200 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:09:17.540 Okay.

01:09:17.920 But then I would pick you up.

01:09:18.740 Because I keep singing it and you're seeming like you don't know what I'm talking about.

01:09:21.400 And it's making me nervous.

01:09:23.060 You know, I have time of my life.

01:09:26.440 Hold on, we got to harmonize.

01:09:27.980 Never felt this way before.

01:09:30.280 Let's go.

01:09:31.020 No, I know it.

01:09:31.540 I know it.

01:09:31.840 I was still letting you take the lead.

01:09:32.600 But I'm in a wheelchair.

01:09:33.780 I got to be in a wheelchair.

01:09:35.560 And in the end, I just go off a little ramp.

01:09:37.680 And then I'm at the bottom and you crush me.

01:09:39.900 But we figure it out.

01:09:40.840 We're like, obviously, it's like stage combat where I don't actually get hurt.

01:09:43.780 But that's the new twist, that you end up killing me.

01:09:47.460 And I only ought to be in my life.

01:09:51.540 Do you have a thing that you got to blow into for the wheelchair?

01:09:54.720 I got it all because they did a fundraiser.

01:09:56.040 Yes, I love that.

01:09:57.100 They did a fundraiser volleyball game.

01:09:59.260 And it rained, but people still came and gave money.

01:10:01.740 And somebody got electrocuted because they also had a band there.

01:10:04.300 And that guy died, but it wasn't about him.

01:10:06.700 It's never about him.

01:10:07.800 And everyone's like, hey, you know what, Dylan?

01:10:09.760 Go fuck yourself.

01:10:10.680 You always try and make it about you.

01:10:12.020 Because he's a Taurus, and that's how that works.

01:10:14.040 Yeah, he is.

01:10:14.640 He's a Taurus, dude.

01:10:16.240 He's a Taurus, but he ain't no freaking bull like you.

01:10:18.500 No, he ain't a water buffalo.

01:10:19.660 No, he ain't.

01:10:20.360 God, it's like looking in the mirror.

01:10:22.860 Really?

01:10:23.440 I just don't.

01:10:23.900 I mean, I understand the relationship.

01:10:27.060 I understand seeing an object.

01:10:29.260 Pull up Conestoga wagon, if you will, please, Raleigh.

01:10:36.060 I couldn't fucking tell you.

01:10:38.240 Also, let's go on record.

01:10:39.820 First time an Asian guy has asked me how to spell something.

01:10:45.020 And no offense, Raleigh.

01:10:45.740 Come on.

01:10:46.320 Not assuming you're Asian, but Conestoga wagon.

01:10:49.640 But we expect it better.

01:10:50.820 Yeah.

01:10:52.240 How about this, dude?

01:10:53.440 Fucking guess, bro.

01:10:54.740 Yeah.

01:10:54.880 You know what I'm saying?

01:10:56.620 Just type in wagon.

01:10:57.820 I got it.

01:10:58.520 I got it.

01:10:59.040 One of those would come up.

01:11:00.200 Let's see you spell it out.

01:11:01.320 I actually want to see this go on.

01:11:02.980 Because the spelling bee at our school and shut out this girl, Helena.

01:11:07.080 And they called her Big Helena.

01:11:08.600 Ooh.

01:11:09.280 She was pregnant.

01:11:10.560 That's why she was big.

01:11:11.560 And people were still like, you're fat.

01:11:13.160 And she's like, I have a black baby in me.

01:11:15.060 You know?

01:11:15.420 It was like kind of.

01:11:16.480 She's like, I'm about to fucking crush this spelling bee.

01:11:19.120 Suck a dick.

01:11:20.180 Yeah.

01:11:21.080 She won the spelling bee in fifth grade.

01:11:24.100 Pregnancia.

01:11:24.880 Okay?

01:11:25.380 Mm-hmm.

01:11:26.120 And I missed out.

01:11:27.180 Women can do anything.

01:11:28.560 I'm telling you.

01:11:29.380 Thank you.

01:11:29.980 We can.

01:11:31.080 Thank you.

01:11:31.560 Look at the Statue of Liberty.

01:11:33.340 Okay?

01:11:33.600 Look what that bitch did.

01:11:34.560 You know, she's in heels and she's been standing up that long.

01:11:36.580 She's been doing it.

01:11:37.320 Crushing it.

01:11:37.500 Praise God.

01:11:38.600 This is a Conestoga wagon.

01:11:40.240 That's how I'm built.

01:11:41.740 Hold on.

01:11:42.000 Let me take a look at you.

01:11:42.880 Let me take a look at the wagon.

01:11:45.460 100%.

01:11:45.820 I've actually never seen something more accurate.

01:11:48.020 Thank you.

01:11:48.620 Yep.

01:11:48.840 The neck is right.

01:11:50.260 Yep.

01:11:50.660 Limited neck.

01:11:51.500 Limited neck.

01:11:52.480 I can see, you know, I'll look around, but it's a lot of it's for show.

01:11:55.780 Yeah.

01:11:57.280 See, you're self-aware.

01:11:58.500 That's another thing about being a Pisces.

01:11:59.880 You're self-aware.

01:12:00.640 Oh, too self-aware.

01:12:01.660 Too self-aware.

01:12:02.540 And that's why we get anxiety.

01:12:03.740 Yeah.

01:12:04.200 I think.

01:12:05.060 No, I think you might be right.

01:12:06.640 God.

01:12:07.840 Yeah.

01:12:08.080 I wish I freaking knew you more because I just need a lot of this information.

01:12:11.120 I got you.

01:12:11.620 I will literally help you.

01:12:12.680 I'll find you love.

01:12:13.700 I'll do your taxes.

01:12:14.720 Not well, but I will do them.

01:12:16.440 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:12:17.640 And yeah, I'll find you love and help you fix your life.

01:12:20.620 Okay.

01:12:20.880 But that's also another thing.

01:12:22.400 I like to kind of help and fix people.

01:12:24.060 Oh, you do?

01:12:24.280 I love a fucking project.

01:12:25.700 Yeah.

01:12:25.920 I love a project.

01:12:26.960 Oh, dang.

01:12:27.660 Oh, hell yeah.

01:12:29.060 Yeah.

01:12:29.480 A fixer-upper?

01:12:30.360 Let's go.

01:12:31.800 Give me a tool belt.

01:12:34.480 Are you touring?

01:12:35.720 What are you going to be doing?

01:12:37.040 So I kind of did what you did.

01:12:38.540 I did a bunch of the live shows.

01:12:39.680 Here's my thing.

01:12:40.280 My audience gets really fucking rowdy.

01:12:42.160 Like originally they were like, let's do some of these drive-in shows.

01:12:44.420 But I'm like, I've had to call an ambulance multiple times for these drunk women.

01:12:48.420 So I said, the last thing we want to do is have a drive-in show where then there's like

01:12:51.480 a 15 car pile up on the highway and my name's on the marquee.

01:12:54.600 So I was like, let's not do anything with vehicles.

01:12:57.020 So you guys had a bad drive-in?

01:12:58.720 Yeah.

01:12:59.140 Yeah.

01:12:59.560 No, I just, I was like, I'm not going to do the drive-in shows.

01:13:02.000 I know that's what everybody was doing this summer.

01:13:03.300 So I'm waiting.

01:13:04.280 I mean, I had to put my tour in hold.

01:13:06.200 So I hope we're able to go out in the fall.

01:13:08.360 I need to like pop in and start doing some shows again.

01:13:10.240 But no, I haven't, I haven't.

01:13:12.540 It's kind of nerve wracking.

01:13:13.500 I think now some anxiety can come from that.

01:13:15.260 You're like, will people still come out?

01:13:17.600 They came out before.

01:13:18.960 Yeah.

01:13:19.220 Will they come out again?

01:13:20.160 And I, I, I, I fear that.

01:13:21.880 I think everybody, I think a lot of people do in our business, you know, you just don't

01:13:26.880 know you had, things were going pretty decently.

01:13:30.100 You don't know if people forget about you, if they forgot, you know, like even though there's

01:13:34.660 proof that they didn't, you still just don't know sometimes.

01:13:37.500 I know my audience pretty well though.

01:13:38.940 I mean, I would say, I mean, listen, I have a very, very strong female audience and, and

01:13:44.580 you know, I am their white Oprah and I'm just so proud to have that role.

01:13:48.340 But I, I know that these women, I mean, they message me on the fucking regular.

01:13:51.980 They're like, I've got three kids.

01:13:53.300 I've been locked up raw with my fucking husband, you know, Marcus, like I'm going to literally

01:13:57.780 murder the whole family.

01:13:59.380 You better be performing this weekend.

01:14:01.000 So I have a feeling it's going to be like revenge travel.

01:14:03.540 Like these women, when they're able, when they're able to be in a theater again, they're

01:14:07.000 going to be losing their fucking shit.

01:14:08.740 Oh yeah.

01:14:09.180 So, and I had a wild tour in 2019 where I was like, God damn, I almost like felt a

01:14:13.520 little self-conscious.

01:14:14.220 I was like, do I come off as like a raging partier?

01:14:16.460 Cause I mean, I drink, but nothing crazy.

01:14:18.220 And these women would just be like getting so fucked up at the shows.

01:14:21.220 And I had to be like, Hey guys, I want you to enjoy this and take something away from

01:14:24.400 the show.

01:14:24.840 So like pump the brakes on the seltzers before you get here.

01:14:28.500 Um, but I think it's going to get even wilder.

01:14:31.420 Like, I think I'm gonna have to just do some crazy shows right out of the gate and then

01:14:34.600 we can get back to like trying to be a professional.

01:14:37.140 You know what I mean?

01:14:37.960 Yeah.

01:14:38.240 That's a good point.

01:14:38.980 You know, I stopped in the comedy club last night and, um, and half the crowd I felt like

01:14:43.560 was just wanting to be out.

01:14:46.220 Yeah.

01:14:46.720 They just want to be out somewhere.

01:14:48.740 If it's a woman or man, whoever's come, they're bringing their, they've wheeled their partner

01:14:52.660 out.

01:14:53.040 You know, the partner does not want to be there.

01:14:55.400 The partner wants to be doing something else.

01:14:57.500 They just got into like chess.com or some bullshit that eventually will lead them out

01:15:01.820 of the marriage.

01:15:02.500 Yes.

01:15:02.700 Cause I saw the queen's gambit.

01:15:03.880 Now they're like, Oh yeah, I'm going to be a fucking chess tycoon.

01:15:06.760 You're like, no, you're not.

01:15:08.040 You're 20 years behind.

01:15:10.840 Yeah.

01:15:11.260 So I think a lot of people are just wanting to be out right now.

01:15:13.960 Yeah.

01:15:14.160 I mean, I'm starting to get that itch.

01:15:15.320 I mean, other than the fact that I'm sweating, cause I'm on a lot of hormones right now,

01:15:17.880 but yeah, I'm starting to get that itch where I just need, it's a revenge travel.

01:15:20.640 Like I'm ready to go.

01:15:21.520 I had COVID.

01:15:22.440 I'm like, I've got the antibodies.

01:15:23.880 Let's roll.

01:15:24.380 You know?

01:15:25.080 Um, are you hot in your eye?

01:15:26.100 Can you take the AC on?

01:15:26.860 Oh, I'm fucking melting.

01:15:28.080 But again, it's cause I'm on testosterone.

01:15:30.140 Is it?

01:15:30.600 I was on some a little bit.

01:15:31.580 I got off of it, but will you, do you mind cutting the, uh, air conditioner on?

01:15:35.640 It's right outside of the door.

01:15:36.840 Yeah.

01:15:37.140 Oh, I didn't know if you could have it.

01:15:38.220 Oh, thank God.

01:15:39.240 Please be.

01:15:39.820 I'm fucking melting.

01:15:40.580 I've drank like already this water.

01:15:42.360 I'm hitting a smoothie.

01:15:44.060 It's been a while.

01:15:44.620 Yeah.

01:15:44.920 Well, you look nice though.

01:15:45.760 I don't see any sweat on your head or anything.

01:15:48.180 Well, I'm just, I feel like the pants are getting, you know what I mean?

01:15:50.780 Just, I mean, when you have big tits though, it just, it all, it captures right around your

01:15:54.380 heart, which then I'll, that's why I have a fucking hot flashes all the time.

01:15:57.360 That's the other thing performing.

01:15:59.040 I'm a very physical comedian and I get off stage and then I have to do these meet and greets

01:16:02.380 and I have to like change clothes and I don't sweat in normal life.

01:16:05.980 I mean, it's amped up obviously cause I'm on testosterone gel, but, um, I want to get

01:16:11.860 on, I remember getting, uh, I would get sweaty on stage and I remember, yeah, I never had

01:16:17.200 any tits like that.

01:16:18.160 I had decent, I used to do steroids and I had some pretty good tits for a little bit, but

01:16:21.520 that was in college, you know, and they were just, you know, chest more muscle.

01:16:26.900 Yeah.

01:16:27.340 I mean, I feel like I'm on roids right now.

01:16:28.940 Like I literally called my doctor before I came in.

01:16:30.840 I've only been on these for a week, but you basically have to do this shit where you have

01:16:33.080 to like prep your body so you can grow a ton of eggs.

01:16:35.820 Oh really?

01:16:36.360 And then they go in and they try and take as many eggs as possible.

01:16:38.700 No way.

01:16:39.460 And it's a really weird feeling.

01:16:40.880 Yeah.

01:16:41.060 It's almost like angry birds.

01:16:42.060 Yeah.

01:16:42.240 No, it's literally angry birds.

01:16:43.740 And it's the weirdest feeling because most people that like take their eggs and then they're

01:16:46.800 immediately like trying to get pregnant, but I've got to go finish tours.

01:16:50.460 And like my career is just now in this place where I'm like, okay, I, I, but my doctor

01:16:54.520 was like, you need to try and get these out while you can.

01:16:56.720 Cause in two years it might be hard to get pregnant.

01:16:58.880 So I'm doing all this shit to make your body think that you're pregnant to prepare to then

01:17:03.080 not have somebody like hand you a baby.

01:17:04.620 It's the weirdest thing.

01:17:06.240 So it's a real big emotional, I mean, obviously you're a hormonal rollercoaster, but I'm just

01:17:11.040 like about to have to start shots in like a week.

01:17:12.900 Like what?

01:17:13.680 It's just the most outer body feeling.

01:17:15.660 Do they give you a practice, like a, like a baby to carry around just to kind of like

01:17:19.460 a cabbage patch doll to take the edge off?

01:17:21.880 You know, they can.

01:17:22.980 And actually I think I should probably request that.

01:17:24.780 I don't know why I didn't ask for that in the beginning.

01:17:26.740 Yeah.

01:17:26.920 You get like a little papoose with the baby.

01:17:28.980 And it's really just to see like if you are suitable to be a parent.

01:17:32.120 Yeah.

01:17:32.500 To get a temp, at least something to keep under your arm for an hour.

01:17:34.980 You know what I'm saying?

01:17:35.620 Just something to take that little grit out of you.

01:17:37.740 Yeah.

01:17:38.160 And I asked my, my husband, um, I said, you know, like ideally when would you want to

01:17:42.000 have kids?

01:17:42.800 He was like, it's just such a typical dude answer.

01:17:45.120 He's like, I don't know, like five to seven years.

01:17:47.200 I'm just like, the clock is ticking, bro.

01:17:49.680 Like, I don't have that.

01:17:51.140 He's like, let's start in like seven years.

01:17:52.740 I'm like, I'll be like well into my forties.

01:17:54.840 It's not going to happen.

01:17:56.460 Um, so after Illinois wins, you know, like, uh, we don't know when that's going to be.

01:18:01.580 Oh, everything's around Penn state.

01:18:03.140 You know, he's just like, yeah, when Penn state like wins a championship.

01:18:06.540 And so I'm like, yeah, good luck to you when they stop molesting people.

01:18:10.080 Yeah.

01:18:10.660 Then maybe, but fuck.

01:18:13.140 They're the wrong business.

01:18:15.040 No people.

01:18:15.620 So many people have been molested and called into this show.

01:18:18.100 So it's totally, that's nothing crazy.

01:18:20.280 Yeah.

01:18:20.820 Um, what else did we want to cover on here?

01:18:22.880 Let's, let's bring up another question that came in, uh, from someone that loves you and,

01:18:26.360 uh, and we'll see what we can do here.

01:18:28.160 Actually, you know what I want to get to real quick.

01:18:30.120 Let's bring up that video of, um, we do something on here where we do something fun,

01:18:33.940 nice for single moms.

01:18:34.840 So we had somebody who called in and submitted one.

01:18:36.820 So let's get that video up real quick.

01:18:38.600 If you don't mind, Raleigh, Mal.

01:18:41.920 Oh, okay.

01:18:44.240 Is your type?

01:18:44.840 I'm a little nervous.

01:18:45.580 Hey, Theo, it's Cody from central Pennsylvania.

01:18:47.880 I wanted to nominate my coworker, Kim, as a single mother.

01:18:52.040 Um, you know, whenever we come back to our office, uh, a bad day, had a hard day.

01:18:56.880 Uh, she's always a smiling face, um, cheers us up and a great woman.

01:19:01.440 Um, you know, she's raised, uh, a good daughter.

01:19:04.700 Uh, got a good head on her shoulders.

01:19:06.360 Um, you know, she's trying to take care of her mother, um, commuting to take care of

01:19:11.780 her mother as well.

01:19:12.920 Um, and it's just been a little tough lately.

01:19:15.720 Um, figured I'd reach out, but, um, gang gang.

01:19:20.440 Gang baby.

01:19:21.060 Thanks for the call.

01:19:21.640 Let's call Kim real quick.

01:19:22.680 And we'll just, I love that you do this.

01:19:24.480 Let's give her a call.

01:19:25.360 Yeah, look, it's, uh, it's nice that people support, man.

01:19:29.300 And I remember my mom always just like, I just, sometimes if she would have had like

01:19:32.460 a little extra cash, just to do something, you know, just so she'd like a couple of hours

01:19:37.360 she didn't have to think about something, you know, like I feel like it just would have

01:19:40.980 helped her a lot.

01:19:42.180 Um, but what do I know also?

01:19:44.820 Let's see.

01:19:45.180 Let's call them up.

01:19:45.800 Riley, can you get that lady on there?

01:19:47.020 Kim is her name?

01:19:48.740 Yep.

01:19:49.380 He's on.

01:19:49.780 He's on.

01:19:50.260 Stand by.

01:19:50.460 Oh God, I cannot wait to set up Riley.

01:19:55.480 I'm so thrilled.

01:19:56.440 Yeah.

01:19:56.640 Now that I want to see.

01:19:57.540 Yeah.

01:19:57.760 Uh, you know, I'm sure I could eventually figure out something.

01:20:00.960 If something real, you know, positive comes across your desk, let me know.

01:20:03.720 Can you switch to the camera so they can see me or Riley or there we go.

01:20:08.560 She's going to think I'm a damn pedophile.

01:20:10.840 Hey, Kim.

01:20:12.780 Yes.

01:20:13.300 Hey, my name is Theo.

01:20:14.080 I'm just, uh, I guess I'm a stranger really, but, um, I am calling you a friend of yours

01:20:20.440 I work on a podcast.

01:20:22.180 I'm a podcast guy and a friend of yours called who was the guy who submitted the video Riley?

01:20:28.400 Can you tell me?

01:20:29.680 Uh, Cody, Cody, a man named Cody that works with you reached out and he said, cause sometimes

01:20:36.640 we, we, I was raised by a single mother.

01:20:38.480 Sometimes we do something nice for single moms.

01:20:40.080 So he nominated you.

01:20:41.180 He just said, look, there's a lady that works with me and sometimes I'm having a bad day

01:20:45.120 or at work, we're having a bad day and I see her and she always boosts my spirits and

01:20:49.760 she's been a great mom.

01:20:50.820 She has a child and she's been taking care of her mother and it's just been a lot.

01:20:54.180 He said, I noticed it might've been some extra stress on her recently.

01:20:57.820 So he just nominated you.

01:21:00.120 Um, and we just do a thing where we just, just give you a little financial gift of a

01:21:04.180 thousand bucks and you can go do something fun.

01:21:06.580 And, um, and that's all it is.

01:21:08.460 So we just, I know it's a lot of me talking immediately out of the gate and I just wanted

01:21:12.380 to, uh, to just let you know why I'm calling so you don't think I'm some kind of pervert

01:21:16.480 or something.

01:21:19.660 Well, thank you so much, Theo.

01:21:21.500 I really appreciate that.

01:21:23.000 That is really awesome.

01:21:24.680 Uh, Cody is an awesome friend and coworker.

01:21:28.120 And, uh, when he told me that he, he did this, um, I looked you up and I watched one of

01:21:32.740 your podcasts, um, and enjoyed it very much.

01:21:36.200 So, um, so this, this is great in many ways because he, he opened my eyes to, to you and

01:21:42.240 you're a funny guy.

01:21:43.100 So, and he said that you do great things for people and, um, just is wonderful.

01:21:48.780 Well, that's sweet.

01:21:49.560 I'm going to say that, you know, it's nothing super big, but, uh, yeah, sometimes it's nice

01:21:53.640 to have a little bit, you know, just something extra, you know, a little extra coin.

01:21:56.400 You go do something, you know, do something, take mom to the skate park or something, you

01:22:00.160 know, um, what does your mom enjoy doing?

01:22:02.900 Do y'all spend any time?

01:22:03.820 What's the, what's the time like that you guys spend together?

01:22:05.880 Well, um, unfortunately my mom is ill right now.

01:22:10.880 Um, and I just saw her a couple of days ago for the first time in over a year because

01:22:16.720 of COVID.

01:22:18.140 And, um, so she's struggling.

01:22:20.580 Um, I'm trying to, to help her.

01:22:23.560 Um, I live two and a half hours away from her, so it's not easy to see her on a regular

01:22:28.240 basis.

01:22:28.780 Um, so I'm just trying to help her, um, hopefully move her closer to me.

01:22:34.880 Um, I, and just take care of her.

01:22:39.960 Um, she's 71, um, which is, you know, still fairly young, I think.

01:22:44.660 Yeah.

01:22:45.000 Oh yeah.

01:22:45.580 A lot of games of Scrabble left in that lady, I think.

01:22:48.360 Yeah.

01:22:48.940 Do you guys like to play a board game or is there something you like to do?

01:22:51.480 My mom and I like to play Scrabble sometimes.

01:22:54.100 Oh yeah.

01:22:55.340 Well, um, not recently, um, because I've been away from her for a few years.

01:23:00.400 Um, we used to go to, uh, concerts a lot.

01:23:03.460 Oh, dang.

01:23:05.720 Oh yeah.

01:23:06.300 We've been to, you know, anything from rock to country to pretty much anything.

01:23:11.840 Um, so, so that was really big for us for many years.

01:23:14.840 Oh wow.

01:23:15.380 Um, and we're, uh, we're big Washington football team fans.

01:23:19.800 Oh wow.

01:23:20.440 That's incredible.

01:23:21.500 Um, well, you know what?

01:23:23.180 And also I think maybe, um, we'll have to send her some nice flowers or something.

01:23:27.320 We'll grab her address from you, you know, so we can just, you know, and keep in touch

01:23:31.120 and see if there's some other way that we can help out.

01:23:33.040 I don't know if I know anybody with the Washington football team.

01:23:35.660 Um, I'd say I'd get you some tickets over there, but I might though, I'm gonna have to ask

01:23:40.200 around.

01:23:40.580 Maybe we'll see what we can do.

01:23:41.960 Um, and we have Heather McMahon here today too.

01:23:44.160 She's a comedian friend of mine.

01:23:45.700 Hello.

01:23:46.860 She might have some suggestions.

01:23:48.680 I don't know.

01:23:49.020 What, what, what, what do you, what do you do with your mom, Heather?

01:23:51.780 Um, my mom's 73 and sassy.

01:23:54.260 I mean, she loves the home goods.

01:23:55.800 You know what I mean?

01:23:56.220 She just likes to be bop around town.

01:23:58.340 Um, yeah, here's the thing we're going to figure out.

01:24:00.400 I'm going to reach out to whoever I need to.

01:24:01.820 We're going to get you some tickets.

01:24:02.580 So Washington game.

01:24:03.540 Oh, I mean, I'm, I feel like I'm well lubricated, well connected.

01:24:07.160 We'll figure it out.

01:24:07.980 Yeah.

01:24:08.580 Yeah.

01:24:09.520 Could your mom go to a game you think possibly one day or what do you think?

01:24:13.720 Um, I'm hoping as of right now.

01:24:16.300 No, just because of her medical issues right now.

01:24:18.900 But, um, I'm, I sure hope that we can in the future.

01:24:22.840 Okay.

01:24:23.280 So that, that is a little iffy right now, but, um, it would be great to take her to a game.

01:24:28.800 It's been, uh, uh, almost 10 years since we've been to a game.

01:24:32.480 So, oh, dang.

01:24:33.540 Well, it's probably been that long since the team's been decent too.

01:24:35.740 So, um, probably a little over 20.

01:24:38.700 Okay.

01:24:39.200 And you're still fans.

01:24:40.560 Wow.

01:24:41.760 Good on you.

01:24:43.220 Lifelong, lifelong fan.

01:24:44.680 No matter how good or bad they do.

01:24:47.860 That's pretty cool.

01:24:48.740 Yeah.

01:24:49.060 I, I, I, yeah.

01:24:49.940 You don't meet a mother daughter, uh, football fan.

01:24:52.140 I haven't met it that much.

01:24:53.400 I haven't.

01:24:53.740 I just want to say, I think it's so fantastic that you're taking care of your mom.

01:24:56.800 I moved back in with my mom and my mom's 73.

01:24:58.700 And just like these, these, this time that you get, uh, with your parents, just like hold

01:25:03.760 on to it.

01:25:04.220 Cause it's, you know, you can't get, get those years back.

01:25:06.660 So you're doing the Lord's work.

01:25:08.260 You really are.

01:25:09.520 Well, thank you.

01:25:10.380 That's why I want to move her closer to me so I can see her on a daily and weekly basis.

01:25:15.220 Um, it's, it's really, really difficult to have her so far away.

01:25:18.980 And, and I hadn't seen her in almost a year and a half and it was just very difficult.

01:25:23.220 Um, I'm an only child.

01:25:24.680 Um, I have an only child.

01:25:26.760 Um, my mom's an only child.

01:25:28.180 So we have like the world's smallest family.

01:25:30.400 I think.

01:25:31.100 Damn.

01:25:31.500 Um, yeah.

01:25:32.400 And what's, what's the biggest thing preventing you from having her close right now?

01:25:37.380 Um, financial issues.

01:25:40.520 Yeah.

01:25:41.620 Yeah.

01:25:42.200 Um, I, I need to figure out how to get her moved up here.

01:25:45.820 Um, just moving costs, um, and find a place that has some assisted.

01:25:52.040 She needs some assistance.

01:25:53.580 So, um, not necessarily an assisted living place, but, um.

01:25:58.560 Day-to-day health.

01:25:59.040 To get a nurse to come in to check on her.

01:26:02.280 Moving's expensive and help, like nursing is so expensive.

01:26:06.400 So I, I hear you.

01:26:07.460 It's, uh, we looked into it for a family friend.

01:26:09.060 I was like, I never realized how truly expensive it is to get an extra set of hands.

01:26:13.860 You know, it's, yeah.

01:26:14.980 And if you go through the government and stuff, it's hard to get that.

01:26:17.820 It's all these, so much documentation and you can't have a job a lot of times if you want

01:26:21.720 to get help.

01:26:22.320 It's really, it's really tough.

01:26:23.960 You know what?

01:26:24.720 I want to, I want us to help out as much as we can.

01:26:26.540 So I want to stay in touch and see if there's some way that we can't find some, um, you

01:26:31.400 know, I don't want to promise anything, but just see if we can see what the costs are and

01:26:34.560 some of the longer term kind of thing.

01:26:36.380 I know, uh, when my mother's, when her husband, when her second husband died, one of her biggest,

01:26:42.460 or as he got older, one of the tough things was my mother couldn't claim any income because

01:26:47.520 if she did, she couldn't get like, you know, then she couldn't get assistance and all this.

01:26:51.940 There's so much rigmarole.

01:26:53.680 Um, so anyway, I bet your mom's so proud of you though.

01:26:58.080 She is.

01:26:59.300 She is very proud of me and I'm proud of her too.

01:27:03.040 Um, you know, she was a single mom and, uh, it was tough.

01:27:06.300 And now I'm a single mom, uh, of five years, I guess it's been.

01:27:10.400 And, uh, yeah, it's tough, but, uh, but we're very, very close and would like to continue

01:27:16.220 that as long as possible.

01:27:17.600 Well, we're going to stay in touch and see what we can do to try and help out.

01:27:21.140 And, uh, and just thank you so much.

01:27:22.600 And, and, um, yeah, just thanks for answering the phone today.

01:27:25.120 Yeah.

01:27:25.320 And just, it just puts us in a place of just remembering, uh, that we're, you know, that

01:27:30.300 everybody's kind of dealing with something, whether it's big or small sometimes, and that,

01:27:33.460 um, it's nice to connect and think about those things together.

01:27:36.900 Right.

01:27:37.620 Right.

01:27:38.440 Well, I really appreciate your help and your thoughtfulness.

01:27:42.280 It's really awesome.

01:27:44.020 Um, well, that's, you know, these days it's really hard to find.

01:27:46.880 Nice people that want to help out.

01:27:49.080 And, um, I, I greatly appreciate it.

01:27:52.040 Well, that's sweet of you to say that.

01:27:53.560 And yeah, we're going to stay in touch and see what we can do to try and, I don't know.

01:27:57.440 I feel like we can be a little more helpful though.

01:27:59.740 And so I just want to see, let's, let's see what we can do.

01:28:02.560 And, uh, and thanks for your time today.

01:28:04.460 And, um, I hope you guys have a nice day over there.

01:28:07.660 Okay.

01:28:08.180 Well, thank you so much, Theo.

01:28:09.520 It was really nice meeting you.

01:28:10.640 Thanks so much for your help.

01:28:11.680 You bet.

01:28:12.040 Take care.

01:28:12.420 Have a good one.

01:28:13.560 All right.

01:28:14.040 Take care.

01:28:14.620 Okay.

01:28:14.840 Bye-bye.

01:28:15.240 Bye-bye.

01:28:15.520 So sweet.

01:28:19.160 Yeah.

01:28:19.400 It's got to be tough when your mom's far away, huh?

01:28:21.380 Yeah.

01:28:21.720 Especially if you want to go and it's like, if you're still working and then it take that,

01:28:25.480 you got to get that extra time to go do that.

01:28:27.820 I'll say after like moving back in with my mom, I now I've done it twice.

01:28:31.640 Right.

01:28:31.940 Right.

01:28:32.100 After my dad died, I had like a period where I was like, I can't believe I'm doing this.

01:28:35.780 And like, I have a sister and she's fantastic, but her career was, she's an attorney and life

01:28:39.480 was busy, but I like picked up and moved back home.

01:28:41.600 And I was just so resentful for so many reasons.

01:28:43.760 I was like mourning my, the loss of my father, but also like my mom's a young spirit.

01:28:47.320 Like she can do stuff, you know, it's not like, I mean, God bless, like she didn't need

01:28:51.340 physical help.

01:28:52.760 But there were moments now looking back, I'm like, I can never give back that time with

01:28:57.000 my mom.

01:28:57.340 And so my husband and I literally gave up our apartment in New York and we've moved

01:29:01.320 back in with my mom now.

01:29:03.220 And we're like taking over her house and all this.

01:29:05.260 And, and Jeff, my husband is like so into it and he loves it, but I just like have so

01:29:09.100 much fucking fun with my mom now.

01:29:10.620 Like, she's just the best.

01:29:12.200 And I'm like, it's the best decision.

01:29:14.040 Most people are like, you live with your fucking mom.

01:29:15.600 I'm like, yeah, yeah, I do.

01:29:17.320 And we rage.

01:29:18.440 And it's amazing.

01:29:19.820 You know, like, I'm like, I've never had more fun in my life.

01:29:22.220 I don't want to hang out with anybody my own age.

01:29:23.920 She's 73, doesn't look a day over 40 and she's just savage.

01:29:27.800 She is unreal.

01:29:29.420 And it's the best.

01:29:30.620 I wonder if we had a show and it would be like you and like, maybe you and your mom

01:29:34.740 live together and I'm like the brother that comes back and lives with you guys or something.

01:29:38.900 And you think I'm going to help, but I don't help.

01:29:41.260 Yeah.

01:29:41.780 You just hang out in the basement, do Bitcoin, play FIFA.

01:29:45.060 Uh huh.

01:29:45.640 Yeah.

01:29:46.440 Uh huh.

01:29:46.940 And I ended up dating one of your mom's friends.

01:29:48.880 You date one of the friends from the country club.

01:29:50.900 Yes.

01:29:51.500 Yes, yes, yes, yes.

01:29:52.140 Yes.

01:29:52.380 And then like you, you bring her home to your basement.

01:29:55.400 Yeah.

01:29:56.200 Uh huh.

01:29:56.760 Uh huh.

01:29:57.140 Yeah.

01:29:57.680 It's not far off.

01:29:58.500 Yeah.

01:29:58.720 I like this.

01:29:59.500 Yeah.

01:29:59.780 But Raleigh, where do you fit in, man?

01:30:01.240 We don't, we don't, we still don't have a lady for you, man.

01:30:05.380 Yeah, man.

01:30:06.380 I mean, I think if, if Heather, you know, helps out with the.

01:30:13.100 I got you.

01:30:13.700 I think you, I think you got me.

01:30:15.100 I got you.

01:30:15.480 When's your birthday?

01:30:16.420 July 14th.

01:30:17.320 So what are you with cancer?

01:30:18.220 Yep.

01:30:18.720 Oh, we're going to get along.

01:30:20.260 Cancer and Pisces.

01:30:21.280 Okay.

01:30:21.700 We're going to get along.

01:30:22.380 I got you.

01:30:23.380 Ladies, if you're listening and you like a cancer.

01:30:25.300 They're not.

01:30:25.660 It's a lot of sad men who listen to this.

01:30:27.740 Yeah, I know.

01:30:28.560 And no offense, guys.

01:30:29.580 I got y'all's back, fam.

01:30:30.720 You feel me, dog?

01:30:31.460 I got you.

01:30:31.880 Gang, gang, baby.

01:30:34.220 There you go.

01:30:35.200 No, I'm joking.

01:30:35.880 I'm sorry.

01:30:36.340 No, no, no.

01:30:36.680 But I know they're sad.

01:30:37.620 Yeah, I know they are.

01:30:38.480 I know they are.

01:30:39.260 I can feel the energy just reads really sad.

01:30:42.680 And Riley's giving me a little, I mean, you're giving me a little joy, but most of sadness.

01:30:47.640 You got to really, you got to beat it out of them.

01:30:50.360 You know what I'm saying?

01:30:50.880 Exactly.

01:30:51.140 You do.

01:30:51.600 And I love that.

01:30:52.400 I mean, I listen to this podcast religiously.

01:30:54.040 So I live for when you, you know, you just, you give like the least, but I can get the

01:30:59.220 most from it.

01:30:59.880 So I just need you to know that even though you're doing the least, I'm getting the most.

01:31:03.740 And that's what it's really all about, Riley.

01:31:06.740 So I got you.

01:31:07.920 I will find you a woman with green eyes and maybe one leg, maybe two legs, you know, maybe

01:31:12.540 three nipples.

01:31:13.160 I don't know, but it's going to get freaky, but I will make sure she's a woman of the Lord.

01:31:16.660 There you go.

01:31:17.260 Yes.

01:31:17.700 I got you.

01:31:18.360 Amen.

01:31:18.960 I got you.

01:31:20.200 God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

01:31:22.080 Yeah, there you go.

01:31:22.980 Riley, Riley, Riley.

01:31:24.320 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:31:24.960 Let's bring one more question from one of Heather's listeners and then I think we'll probably be good

01:31:28.500 for the day.

01:31:29.000 Great, because I've sweat through everything.

01:31:32.200 Hey, it's kind of cute, I think.

01:31:33.860 Oh, that is not one of my listeners.

01:31:36.960 It could be.

01:31:37.820 It could be.

01:31:38.340 Okay.

01:31:38.620 Let's see.

01:31:39.640 Hey, Theo.

01:31:40.220 Hey, Heather.

01:31:40.820 It's Brent coming from Michigan.

01:31:43.080 And Heather, I see you like to travel a lot.

01:31:45.520 Have you ever had like a near death experience?

01:31:47.800 And if so, where and how did that go?

01:31:50.300 Let us know.

01:31:51.180 Okay.

01:31:52.600 I love just the aggressive.

01:31:54.380 Yes.

01:31:54.760 What's up?

01:31:55.120 It's a very Michigan thing, too.

01:31:56.600 I think so.

01:31:57.100 You know what I mean?

01:31:57.420 Just like, what is, what is life?

01:32:00.400 Near death experience.

01:32:02.780 Let's see.

01:32:03.420 I mean, dude.

01:32:04.500 Yeah.

01:32:04.780 I almost died in Baltimore.

01:32:06.400 I don't know if you've been to Baltimore.

01:32:08.100 I have.

01:32:08.480 It's basically the black Maine.

01:32:09.840 And yeah, it gets a little.

01:32:11.580 It gets a little, little crazy.

01:32:13.080 It's a little wild.

01:32:13.540 People had warned me.

01:32:14.700 I was there for a show and people had warned me.

01:32:17.220 They're like, just wait till you see somebody doing like the heroin.

01:32:20.780 Yes.

01:32:21.500 And they're literally like zombies walking out.

01:32:23.420 And I played this club that was across from like one of the scary strip.

01:32:26.180 Magoobies.

01:32:26.520 Was it Magoobies or no?

01:32:27.260 Was it?

01:32:27.700 No.

01:32:27.800 Sorry.

01:32:28.120 I need to quit interrupting.

01:32:29.100 No, no, no, no.

01:32:29.480 You're right.

01:32:30.220 No, I'm not.

01:32:30.680 No, I think it was like, oh shit.

01:32:32.440 It was some, I can't remember the place.

01:32:34.340 I just remember we rolled in.

01:32:35.700 We couldn't find food anywhere.

01:32:37.060 Yeah.

01:32:37.220 And we were saying like, they were like, there's one street in Baltimore.

01:32:40.100 You can like stay in a hotel there.

01:32:41.680 So you can get a sandwich here.

01:32:42.640 Everything was closed.

01:32:43.580 This wasn't during COVID.

01:32:44.480 This is in 2019.

01:32:46.000 I just remember seeing.

01:32:46.540 This is during regular times.

01:32:48.200 Like the subway was closed.

01:32:49.880 Like a subway sandwich.

01:32:50.680 I was like, I just need a fucking sandwich.

01:32:52.160 And then I came out and everyone's doing the heroin lean.

01:32:54.100 Oh yeah.

01:32:54.380 And then I'd never had a panic attack in my life.

01:32:56.480 But for some reason, like just the energy of Baltimore, I had a panic attack right before

01:33:00.120 I went out on stage and I had to start the show and like work through it.

01:33:03.480 So I did have that moment where I was like, okay, I, I just did a show through a panic

01:33:08.480 attack so I can do anything.

01:33:09.920 Like anything that gets thrown at me.

01:33:11.440 I'm like, I got this.

01:33:12.740 And then when we got back out of the theater, it was more people doing the heroin lean.

01:33:16.000 I was like, we got to get the fuck out of Baltimore.

01:33:18.440 I just, I don't get it.

01:33:19.660 And people from Baltimore got really upset.

01:33:21.180 They're like, our town's great.

01:33:22.240 We've got crabs.

01:33:23.180 I'm like, if that's the only thing, you have crabs and spirit airlines.

01:33:26.260 Like, I don't know what, I just don't see the draw.

01:33:29.700 I really don't.

01:33:30.500 Crabs are just SUV shrimp, brother.

01:33:32.240 They really are.

01:33:33.000 Yeah, to be honest with you, dude.

01:33:33.720 They really are.

01:33:34.560 It's just a shrimp in an armored truck.

01:33:36.060 That's all it is, bro.

01:33:36.860 I mean, crabs are great, but it's not, y'all, you know, it's happening underwater.

01:33:40.700 You're not doing it.

01:33:41.140 I'd like to see you do more above ground.

01:33:42.780 Yeah.

01:33:43.420 I, I, 100%.

01:33:44.560 At least dolphins come out.

01:33:46.020 They come out of the water.

01:33:47.000 That's all I'm going to say.

01:33:47.280 They do a little, hello, pop, pop in, pop out.

01:33:50.320 Yeah.

01:33:50.680 I would love to see a crab at least, you know.

01:33:52.320 Give me something.

01:33:53.120 Give me something.

01:33:53.720 Yeah.

01:33:54.120 But yeah, Baltimore's a wild place, man.

01:33:56.040 There's, I definitely, I remember going there one time and there was people, yeah, kind of

01:34:00.240 heroin doubt up top, you know, just kind of wandering around and UFC had just come there

01:34:04.140 for the first time.

01:34:04.660 Those people are going insane.

01:34:05.760 She had people that were fighting each other in the street and then you had heroin people

01:34:08.940 just kind of like refereeing.

01:34:11.020 There was a, a third world.

01:34:12.560 I can't.

01:34:13.340 It's a third.

01:34:13.860 It's a fifth.

01:34:14.280 It's gets, yeah, it's, yeah.

01:34:15.480 It's like a two and a half world.

01:34:17.080 I thought about getting into the UFC stuff.

01:34:18.920 I know you're a big UFC guy, but I have some of the female UFC fighters that follow me.

01:34:23.240 And I just expected these women to like come up, they came to one of my shows in Atlantic

01:34:27.080 City and I just expected them to be like ripped and they were like half my size.

01:34:31.240 And I'm like, you're in the fucking octagon.

01:34:33.420 Cause like, I feel like I'm built to fight.

01:34:35.060 I'm a very like gentle person, but I'm just, I'm very limber.

01:34:37.820 Like I got a high kick.

01:34:39.000 I'm strong.

01:34:39.980 You know, I feel like I would thrive in that environment, but I don't know.

01:34:43.680 I know you're training.

01:34:44.380 I could see.

01:34:45.180 Yeah.

01:34:45.360 I've been doing some training.

01:34:46.080 I like it.

01:34:46.800 I really like it.

01:34:47.300 My ribs got hurt.

01:34:48.120 I've fought in a lot of the women in class.

01:34:50.100 I could see you doing it.

01:34:51.320 Yeah.

01:34:51.520 Yeah.

01:34:51.700 I could see any woman doing it.

01:34:53.240 It definitely, it's a confidence builder and it's not about as much the fighting when

01:34:57.440 you're at the training.

01:34:58.100 It's just more about like learning how to like, women will definitely learn to defend

01:35:02.980 themselves and how to like, that's what I want to.

01:35:05.460 Yeah.

01:35:05.740 A lot of that stuff.

01:35:06.740 I want to learn how to like, you know, break someone's nose if they come up behind me

01:35:09.600 out of LA.

01:35:10.400 You know, I just want to fuck some shit up.

01:35:12.140 Oh yeah.

01:35:12.640 Yeah.

01:35:13.520 It's self-preservation.

01:35:14.680 Yeah.

01:35:14.860 You could do that.

01:35:15.480 You'll be preserved after a couple of classes, I think.

01:35:18.600 Yeah.

01:35:18.840 Yeah.

01:35:18.960 I really, I really enjoy it.

01:35:20.340 I think it's fun.

01:35:21.420 Um, and a lot of the fighters are really nice people.

01:35:24.580 Um, do you only fight people in your weight class?

01:35:26.360 You're supposed to, I thought I had to find a blind guy there.

01:35:30.080 Look, it's really, um, I have a long way to go.

01:35:33.260 Okay.

01:35:33.940 They have put me against females and most recently a blind gentleman.

01:35:38.320 Yeah.

01:35:38.520 Albert.

01:35:39.220 Oh, sweet Albert.

01:35:40.520 Well, how'd it go?

01:35:41.820 Uh, he's good.

01:35:42.740 Did he fuck you up?

01:35:43.100 He's good.

01:35:43.980 Yeah.

01:35:44.500 He's good, man.

01:35:45.200 I think he used to do gift wrapping or something like a Macy.

01:35:47.420 So he fucking had me.

01:35:49.520 The best massage I've ever had in my life was a blind man.

01:35:51.840 Uh-huh.

01:35:52.720 Yeah.

01:35:52.960 And he, he was like, they, you know, they warned me, but there's this guy, they're like,

01:35:55.640 he'll change your life.

01:35:56.400 And you could feel him feeling around the table.

01:35:57.940 And I'm like, yeah, you lose one sense, you get a new sense in your hands.

01:36:01.060 I mean, it was incredible.

01:36:02.000 He knew the body like no one's business.

01:36:03.960 I was like, I really kind of only want blind masseuses from here on out.

01:36:07.920 Yeah.

01:36:08.620 You know?

01:36:09.020 Yeah.

01:36:09.280 I think sight, eventually sight will become a thing of the past.

01:36:11.880 Just, um, but just in general, just, yeah, I could see it phasing out.

01:36:16.880 Yeah.

01:36:17.440 I could.

01:36:17.800 Yeah.

01:36:18.540 My hearing's going for sure.

01:36:19.900 Yeah.

01:36:21.040 Who needs it?

01:36:21.760 I mean, I think us having skin starts to feel really like archaic almost like in the future.

01:36:26.980 It seems like we'll have some sort of a dip or something that people will be in.

01:36:30.360 Like a paraffin wax that you just go in and then that's all, that's your new skin.

01:36:34.520 Something like, doesn't it seem almost archaic that we're still wearing our old skin?

01:36:38.040 It seems crazy that women are still giving birth with their actual body.

01:36:43.720 You know what I'm saying?

01:36:44.100 Something starts to seem a little bit like, like you see somebody do it and you're like,

01:36:48.700 oh, this is going to become outdated.

01:36:50.380 This seems almost.

01:36:51.320 Oh, I feel like an alien right now putting all this shit into my body and then I had to

01:36:54.260 do the shots and it's like, couldn't we have done this with like a grapefruit?

01:36:57.340 Like there's a lab somewhere that could be growing this.

01:36:59.980 Yeah.

01:37:00.240 You know, Barbara Streisand what she paid a bunch of money and like cloned her dog.

01:37:02.920 And I'm like, yeah, it was, it was only like actually $20,000.

01:37:05.460 When you think about it for like cloning an animal, I'm like, yeah,

01:37:08.040 let's, why aren't we there yet?

01:37:09.480 Right.

01:37:09.920 Maybe we are.

01:37:10.520 I don't know.

01:37:11.000 They haven't called me.

01:37:11.820 They haven't told us.

01:37:12.740 I didn't get the email.

01:37:13.220 You know, it'll probably start, you know, it'll start abroad first.

01:37:16.560 I'm sure.

01:37:17.600 Because we haven't even too many regulations, you know, here, you know,

01:37:20.340 it's tougher to get things passed here.

01:37:21.680 We'd probably have a lot of different stuff, you know?

01:37:23.460 Yeah.

01:37:24.040 But.

01:37:24.520 Well, I mean, you know, good old US of A.

01:37:27.380 Remains to be seen.

01:37:28.800 Right.

01:37:29.540 It remains to be seen a lot of things.

01:37:31.580 Heather, man, thanks so much for coming in today.

01:37:33.380 Thanks for having me.

01:37:33.940 Yeah.

01:37:34.300 I appreciate it.

01:37:34.940 And people can check you out.

01:37:37.240 Yeah.

01:37:37.480 Check me out on Instagram.

01:37:38.540 Yeah.

01:37:38.760 And you can listen to my podcast.

01:37:41.400 Yeah.

01:37:41.500 The Absolutely Not Podcast.

01:37:42.560 The Absolutely Not Podcast.

01:37:44.720 And we'll put links to all that right in the description.

01:37:46.640 And yeah, thanks so much for your time and for coming in and for bringing your childhood

01:37:50.060 friend in.

01:37:50.800 Hey, thanks for letting me sweat on your couch.

01:37:52.440 You bet.

01:37:52.500 This has been a real magical afternoon.

01:37:54.360 Yeah.

01:37:54.460 We're going to auction off that cushion, actually.

01:37:56.560 Yeah.

01:37:56.760 Let's get weird with it.

01:37:57.760 For all your sad, lonely male followers.

01:38:01.060 Riley's probably going to keep that.

01:38:02.280 Ooh.

01:38:02.920 Let's go.

01:38:03.500 Probably.

01:38:03.700 I smell like testosterone.

01:38:04.980 Riley?

01:38:05.500 Ooh.

01:38:06.200 Riley, I actually feel like there's been a little sexual energy between us.

01:38:09.160 I really do.

01:38:10.180 I do.

01:38:11.060 I mean, do you feel that way?

01:38:12.060 Oh, yeah.

01:38:12.740 Definitely.

01:38:12.820 Okay, good.

01:38:13.440 Good.

01:38:13.840 Riley is, I mean, all he has is sexual energy.

01:38:17.580 Exactly.

01:38:17.880 Honestly, radiates it.

01:38:19.700 Radiates sexual energy.

01:38:20.740 And I don't think you're living your truth.

01:38:22.100 So I think I'm going to get you with a broad-shouldered, thin-ankled, just big-tittied

01:38:27.060 blonde girl.

01:38:28.140 Oh, hell yeah.

01:38:28.660 She loves the Lord.

01:38:30.180 You know?

01:38:30.780 Oh, yeah.

01:38:30.940 She's in the youth battle.

01:38:32.200 No, not youth.

01:38:32.780 Sorry, God.

01:38:33.340 No.

01:38:33.840 She's a youth group leader, but she is an adult.

01:38:38.480 Look, let's be honest.

01:38:39.480 At some churches, she could be, as long as she's kind of like a-

01:38:43.260 As long as she's a pastor in training, a PIT or whatever.

01:38:47.040 Pastor in training.

01:38:47.740 Or a pastress.

01:38:48.560 Yeah.

01:38:48.760 Whatever it is.

01:38:49.700 Mm-hmm.

01:38:49.960 You know?

01:38:50.520 But I see it.

01:38:51.380 And I'll just ask one thing.

01:38:53.020 If I find you your wife, can I please officiate the wedding?

01:38:56.080 Sure.

01:38:56.920 Hell yeah.

01:38:57.340 Hell yeah.

01:38:57.580 Okay, great.

01:38:59.360 I love it.

01:38:59.940 Look, who knows what could happen?

01:39:01.860 Magic.

01:39:02.700 It could be how magic starts.

01:39:04.920 Heather, thanks so much for coming in.

01:39:06.440 Thanks for having me.

01:39:07.040 Now I'm just falling on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

01:39:14.120 I must be cornerstone.

01:39:19.280 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind.

01:39:24.100 And I found I can feel it in my bones.

01:39:28.260 But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind.

01:39:40.520 Shine that light on me, I'll sit and tell you my stories.

01:39:49.840 Shine on me, and I will find a song I will sing it just for you.

01:40:02.900 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club.

01:40:30.960 A podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.

01:40:38.740 The answer may shock you.

01:40:40.060 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

01:40:42.540 Sometimes I won't.

01:40:44.200 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

01:40:47.120 You have three new voice messages.

01:40:50.160 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

01:40:53.060 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.

01:40:55.720 Longer than anybody else.

01:40:57.340 So great.

01:40:58.700 Hi, sweetheart.

01:41:00.380 Here's the deal.

01:41:01.720 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.

01:41:05.640 Do you know what I mean?

01:41:06.220 Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

01:41:10.700 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

01:41:12.800 Oh, no.

01:41:15.100 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

01:41:17.500 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:41:21.660 Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:41:25.900 Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.

01:41:29.540 Or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

01:41:31.700 And yes, don't worry.

01:41:32.740 My Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - April 02, 2021

E333 Heather McMahan

Episode Stats

Length

Words per Minute

Word Count

Sentence Count

Misogynist Sentences

Hate Speech Sentences

Summary

Transcript